#dunno like the hurt better than the romance rn

[atcarpenter]

Why do you hesitate?

Sam has a talk with Tara, who is coping super well with it being the anniversary of being stabbed by her girlfriend.

very conflicted grief, hurt/comfort

///

Tara had been looking sullen for weeks. It had been pretty much exactly a year since everything happened. They were all feeling it, but it was clear Tara was taking it the worst out of all of them. It was not hard to understand for Sam why it hit her the hardest. She watched her younger sister move around the apartment, feeling oddly invasive and pushing away the likening of herself to a predator staring at its prey that her thoughts were forcing on her, but she needed to talk to her about it. It couldn’t go on like this.

As Tara walked past her through the living room, she barely acknowledged her, barely met her eyes. Sam’s brows furrowed as they had so many times these past few weeks when watching her sister get worse and worse. As she stepped closer, Tara looked up.

“Tara, do you want to talk about Amber?” she asked carefully. Tara immediately dodged her eyes, turning away slightly as if looking for something else to busy herself with other than this conversation. 

“Why would I want to talk about Amber?” she retorted, sounding almost convincingly disinterested. 

Sam mustered her profile in concern, hoping Tara would just finally meet her eyes. It was hard to gauge what she really felt, but it was easy to see that her unbothered-act was just fake. 

“Tara, it's been a year, almost to the day.”

She shrugged dismissively. “So?”

Sam rounded her to make her meet her eyes, ducking her head to do so. “So?” she echoed in a much softer tone. “You loved her, and she hurt you.”

“So?” Tara reiterated once more. “He also hurt you. You should be upset just as much as I am, but you're not.” Tara glared up at her. “Stop telling me what I’m feeling,” she hissed in annoyance. 

Sam sighed patiently, pushing her own memories that were bubbling up aside. “I am upset. Of course I am. But I knew him for six months, and we were not that serious. Tar, you were together with Amber for years. You knew each other since you were kids. You were so much closer than we were. Of course you're more upset.”

Her lips pressing into a thin line, Tara looked like she might retort something. In the end, she sighed. “We were inseparable.” Her shoulders sagged as she dropped her wall for a moment. “I thought I knew her inside out. I thought I knew her better than myself.” Sam felt glad that she had gotten through to her and Tara was actually volunteering her own perspective for once since she had been hurt. 

“I know,” she cooed and pushed a stray strand of hair back behind Tara's ear. Tara swallowed painfully, feeling her throat constricting with the old familiar ache of which she thought each time that it felt like a noose.

“Sam, I loved her. I really loved her. I thought we were it,” she cried as she suddenly cracked up, her shoulders starting to shake. “I thought she loved me too.”

Sam pulled her into a hug without hesitation, wrapping herself around her as if to physically ward her from the pain oozing through the widening cracks in her facade. “Tara,” she murmured as she put her face into her sister's hair and cradled her against her chest. “I know you loved her. Of course you did.”

“She tried to kill me, and she enjoyed it!” she cried against Sam’s chest, her voice almost rising to a shout. Her fingers dug almost painfully into Sam’s skin as she clung to the back of her sweater. “It was a lie! Our entire fucking relationship! She just played the part of my caring girlfriend to kill me in the end!”

Tara’s shoulders trembled in Sam’s arms, and her chest heaved in an attempt not to sob. Sam pulled back just slightly and tilted her younger sister's chin up with her finger just slightly. “Tara, listen to me. It's okay to still love her,” she said, noting the tear tracks forming on her sister’s face.

“I don't,” Tara bit back.

“Yes, you do. You’ve been staring at a picture of her all week.” Tara looked aside, feeling caught, before Sam pulled her attention back by tugging her chin up again to look at her. “I might not get what you're feeling, but you're not wrong for feeling whatever it is you feel. It's okay to still love her.”

Tara looked several different kinds of upset for a moment before she spoke again. 

“I don’t know if I still love her. I don't think I do, but Sam, I don't want to be feeling these things I’m feeling,” she complained under her breath with a small whine. “I liked the lie. I really liked it. She was my world, for so long, and then she did this,” she said, her voice cracking again, “and I don't understand why. How could she lie so convincingly? Was any of it real? How could she …?” she trailed off, biting down painfully on her lip to choke back a sob. 

“How could she hurt you like this?” Sam completed the sentence less violently than Tara would have. “You can't kill yourself with these questions, T. I couldn't tell you what she was thinking even if I wanted to. She’s dead. She can't tell you anymore what was going on in her head. More importantly, she can't hurt you anymore. Was any of it real? Maybe. Maybe not. You're not wrong for liking the parts you did or wondering if she ever loved you back – but you can't lose yourself in these thoughts. It's not healthy.”

Tara nodded, still looking a little reluctant, and stayed silent as she mulled her words over. 

“You’ve thought about this more than I have,” Tara mumbled, though that was probably not true. 

“Of course I’ve thought about it. It's weighing on you.” Sam’s expression turned from gentle to an almost wounded-looking concern. “Tara? Promise me you'll stop staying up until three a.m. looking at a picture of the girl who stabbed you and overthinking these things.”

Tara winced and mumbled, “How do you know it’s until three a.m.?”

Sam sighed. “You are not the only one unable to sleep these days.”

Tara chewed on her lip for a moment, her grip on Sam’s sweater tightening before she said, “Fine,” relenting. “I’ll stop staring at her.”

“And come to me when you need it?” Tara nodded again, still looking conflicted. “There’s my girl,” Sam said proudly regardless because even if it was reluctant, it was progress. She pulled her tighter again, tugging Tara’s head against her chest and resting her face in her hair. For a moment, they stayed just like this.

After a while, Tara mumbled, “Will I ever feel normal again?” against her chest, the sound of her voice muffled by Sam’s sweater.

Sam did not say anything for a long time as she considered her words, shifting to rest her chin on Tara’s head as she thought, her fingers scratching gently against the back of Tara’s head. In the end, she did her the discourtesy of being honest, “I don’t know. But maybe we can be okay without feeling normal.” She rubbed one of her hands over her back. “Just lean on me.”

Tara found herself reluctantly nodding again and mumbled, “Sammy?”

“Hm?”

“I’m sorry,” she murmured.

“What for?” She looked down at her in confusion, pulling back a little so she could see her.

“Not being okay.” Tara shrugged. Sam sighed, feeling the pressure building in her chest that she felt when Tara was trying not to burden her.

“It’s okay to not be okay. Just please stop drowning alone. I want to help you so bad. Please, let me. Please stop pushing me away,” she pleaded.

Tara held her a little tighter. “I’ll try. I promise I’ll try,” she vowed firmly, though she knew it would not be easy for her, and Sam knew it too, but Sam still just leaned down and kissed her temple.

“That’s all I ask.”

[spikeyjo]

also uh im kind of not thinking about it much because its insane. but if everything goes right (and i mean a considerable amount of things that probably wont go as planned) but if they DO... i will have a major surgery in like two weeks

[storiesofsvu]

Omg thank god im not the only one who hated ‘mistakes were made’ by meryl wilsner 😭 it was so hard to get through..

two stars for ‘something to talk about’ should be illegal tho .. (i rlly enjoy grumpy mc’s tho)

I’ve read over 200 lesbian books, so i can give so many good recs depending on what you like reading! 🩷

omg okay, mistakes were made was sent to me by a friend and i did read it like, 2 years ago. I might reread it since i own it lol. reading the first chapter was almost like pulling teeth, i was constantly nitpicking ways to make it better like i was editing it in my brain as i was reading. It wasn't that hard to get through once i got past the first chapter or so, but it still wasn't good. and the entire time i was sitting there going "i could write shit better than this. I *have* written shit better than this" and that was when i realized that getting published probably wasn't some far fetched dream LOL. overall it had a milf, age gap, and secret relationship so i didn't mind it. I DID hate the ending, i thought the daughter finding out and being totally chill with it didn't....feel real enough?? i dunno how to describe it and i just woke up so my brain probably isn't on yet LOL. but it didn't flow that much for me.

Bruh, Something to Talk About was WORSE (not so much surprising when i found out it was their debut novel). it almost got 1 star from me! lol. the slow burn was WAY too slow, having most of the action start in the last 1/3 of the book was so boring, they strung us out for so long just listening to them work. there were some good ideas there, and i get what the author was trying to do, but there was TOO much going on and then all the little subplots ended up getting dropped out of nowhere. it felt completely one sided emotion wise, then late in the book it's revealed that Jo's been thinking it since the dress fitting. if we'd gotten some kind of internal monologue at that point i wouldve been more invested. I hated the conflict being the whole soccer games/being friends with the sister, it came off incredibly immature how hurt she was by it, didn't make sense to me.

there's probably a billion other little things that annoyed the hell out of me. The intent to write a good book was there, it just wasn't executed great. (in my opinion!)

i've got the third book by the author on hold rn, here's hoping i like it better LOL.

omg, please feel free to send them my way! i've got like, 80 or something on my "tbr" shelf on my library website but i've just been slowly trucking through them. (slowly is not correct i've been doing 2-3 a week lol) but i seem to be in a straight romance binge rn. lol

[mooifyourecows]

yo moo!! if you’re up to it rn do u wanna share anything abt any of ur original stories??? i am very curious

hmmmmm i don't want to spill too many details because i am determined to actually finish these mother fuckers so the people who want to read them can read them... but i guess i can talk vaguely about one of them (also i'm a little... not sober, so i might just ramble and not make sense so shhhh pretend i'm smart and coherent)

for this story, the four main characters are two pairs of brothers. originally, i was going to have the oldest brothers of the pairs fall in love while the younger brothers fell in love, but in an epiphany, i realized that it would be sooooo much better if i had the oldest of one pair fall for the younger brother of the other pair and vice versa. (their ages aren't that different its like... one set of brothers are 32 and 27 and the other set are 29 and 28 so the 29 year old is now gonna fall for the 27 year old and the 32 year old is gonna fall for the 28 year old)(also these are brothers who are not related okay like i dunno if that's clear but like this is one pair from a family and one pair from a totally different unrelated family okay nothing incestuous goin on here, i promise) i know i know confusing right right right not really but yeah. let's just label them with letters okay. 29 yo- B 28 yo- M 32 yo- K 27 yo- T so B and M are brothers and K and T are brothers. B is technically like the main MAIN character while T is the secondary main. B was initially planned to fall for K but now he's gonna fall for T. okay, all clear good good good

but like i want it to SEEm like it's still gonna be K and B that are gonna fall for each other in the beginning because K is so sweet and eager and trusting and B thinks that the kind and sweet and domestic life is what he WANTS. B and T do NOT get along at first because T is such a standoffish prick hellbent on keeping B away from K because K is the only person in the world that tolerates and actually cares about T and he doesn't want someone hurting him or stealing his attention. (also there's very vital, important reasons as to why he wants B specifically to stay away)

so like B thinks like "ohhh i want something different from what i'm used to, a happy and simple life with polite and charming people..." which is totally what he would get with K because he's so cheerful and well adjusted. B sees too much of himself in T, and he doesn't want to be around people that he can relate to in that way because not good memories and all that stuff. but then B and T get in a wacky shenanigan of casual triple homicide and suddenly they're unwitting comrades in crime.

when i was planning it initially, i was planning on it being B and K getting into the wacky shenanigan but then i was like nah nah nah it would be better if it was B and T because then i can make the romance drag out longer (i was struggling to think of reasons why B and K wouldn't get together early on in the story rather than later on like I wanted. K is just too extroverted and bold, i can't envision him beating around the bush before asking B out... so i was like okay, i'll just keep him in the dark about stuff and put off him finding out about it while growing frustrated that B and T were clearly sharing some big secret) but then i kept thinking about that... B and T having the shenanigan experience... and i realized that maybe this story was always meant to be an enemies to lovers trope

like like it was fate.

enemies to lovers, my heart whispered to me, and i realized that it was right. it was so right. it SHOULD be B and T getting together because think of the PASSION. the CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT. T's bad attitude and cynicism will RIP B from his delusions of having a peaceful, ordinary life, forcing him to accept reality and make the life he's been given the best he can fucking make it while B's empathetic heart and understanding will offer T the comfort and acceptance that he had only ever gotten from K before, making him realize that it's not a fluke and that he actually is deserving of love and BY THE END THEY BOTH REALIZE that its not their fault that they didn't live up to other people's expectations.

yes it should be enemies to lovers

K and M are perfect for each other too, i realized. K is so put together and happy and social. He exercises every day and he eats super healthily and he maintains his relationships and showers and keeps a clean house and does passion projects and loves a packed barbeque and is very proud of his lawn. Meanwhile M is lazy and useless and delights in manipulating men and eating all the snacks in the house. he is sassy and sometimes bitchy or straight up evil but he's also cute like a kitty cat with triple the claws. and like ugh i'm really into the idea of straight laced K training M like a fuckin dog to exercise and clean while M takes advantage of K's accommodating nature but along the way is learning to restrain his evil (at least for people he likes)

their dynamic is def more lighthearted but i think it would complement B and T really well 🥰 so yeah, i'm happy its workin out. i'm very eager to write more of it 👀

aaaanyway, that's what's happening currently lmao

[punkscowardschampions]

Joe & Ronnie

Joe: how much you got on you rn Ronnie: enough for me Ronnie: you aint piggybacking Joe: enough for me then Joe: not suggesting you send it first class Joe: 'less you know how to do that Ronnie: I do but in what world mckenna Joe: however much you reckon you'd need to do it Joe: i'll double it Ronnie: use that ingenuity for your own score Joe: yeah whatever Joe: all chat Ronnie: like ive got anything to prove to you Ronnie: least of all how well i can be your bitch when you holler at me Ronnie: cry is more accurate Joe: fuck sake Joe: forget about it Joe: it's a stupid idea Joe: you gonna give me a better one Ronnie: not one for the scrapbook was it cunt Ronnie: dry your eyes & do your own running Ronnie: you need me to hold your hand everytime now Ronnie: big enough to take it go find it Joe: ha ha Joe: like I'm running anywhere Ronnie: this where we play doctor yeah Ronnie: you tell me how bad it hurts & I make it better for you Joe: exactly Joe: now we're on the same page Ronnie: nah you think you can tear out some pages & spit ball em at me to get my attention but why should I give a shit bout these playground games boy just 'cause you heading back home to your mammy Ronnie: im sound Ronnie: dont care how loud you're crying she's the one who's gotta show up for that Joe: i don't want yor attention Joe: i want some heroin Ronnie: maybe she's still got old school connections Ronnie: find her little black book son Joe: maybe Joe: one of you could be useful like Ronnie: wounded & bleeding Ronnie: shit junkie you are house full of people to shake up & shit to steal but you coming to me Joe: just looking for that big sisterly advice Joe: obviously Ronnie: fuck you Ronnie: you sound like the littlest one what is he 4 like Joe: feel it Ronnie: trying to make my heart bleed now yeah Ronnie: grow a fucking pair before it really hurts Joe: if you wanted to scare me you shouldn't have given me the gear Joe: realistically too late anyway but who wants to hear or think about my idyllic childhood yeah Ronnie: if you couldnt hack it you shouldve cried off then Ronnie: save the tears now Joe: and i thought i was the only one with obsessive thought spirals Joe: when i get some i'll remember to feel good about how much you miss me Ronnie: like youre special baby Ronnie: please Ronnie: weve all got mad minds hows that not clicked in yours Ronnie: how many kids shes squeezed out & you reckon were the only self medicating Ronnie: hit up another sibling to fix you Joe: am though Joe: she's always told me Joe: ⭐ boy Ronnie: talk her up with that foreplay Ronnie: be good for £££s Joe: no tah Joe: not my type Joe: and it's only ever worked on you Joe: but you've given me another idea so cheers Ronnie: i dunno whats funnier that youre trying to tell me you dont wanna slip your mum one or you reckon you know what works on me Joe: lemme know when you work it out Joe: 👍 Ronnie: let me know when youve stopped playing happy families Joe: you reckon i wanna be here Ronnie: didnt see no fingernail marks on my floor or walls Ronnie: still reckon you were dragged though yeah Joe: check your thighs Joe: ain't all perks being the favourite 💔 Ronnie: [sends him pics cos that bitch haha] Ronnie: grow a pair whipping boy Ronnie: before she says jump youre on the ledge Ronnie: its pathetic mckenna Joe: see Joe: ain't been that long Joe: only feels it, babe Ronnie: you'll need all that sweet talk for the local dope dealer Ronnie: but if you wanna think of me when you're turning tricks for them it'll go easier Joe: lovely as that'd be Joe: not in progressive london now Joe: gonna have to pay like the rest, worst luck Ronnie: go beg for your pocket money then kidda Ronnie: before she picks a new fave Ronnie: younger & prettier like Joe: nah Joe: we want her to Joe: remember Joe: then me and more importantly my student loans can come back Ronnie: bullshit if you wanted her to you wouldn't have gone Ronnie: you love it Joe: can't just go way uni and never come back Joe: send out a search party Ronnie: use your ⭐ as a beacon cant they Joe: let's hope not Joe: i come here Joe: keeps 'em away rest of the time Joe: yeah Ronnie: if you want em to fuck off commit to it Ronnie: stop being such a pussy Joe: ain't that easy Ronnie: find a ditch to lie down in Ronnie: it ain't hard Ronnie: youre a junkie motherfuckers don't support that Joe: far as they know Joe: i ain't Joe: let 'em catch up Ronnie: do it yourself if you wanna slam the door Joe: see how this goes Joe: not really thinking about them right now Joe: you know Ronnie: youre on one about that lot constantly Joe: just on one constantly full stop Joe: why else would i need the shit Ronnie: dont need to go that hard playing doctor baby Joe: 💘 Joe: you always know just what to say Ronnie: not used to you talking Joe: i know i know Joe: in an ideal world neither of us would be here Ronnie: like not born yeah Ronnie: but she cant keep her legs closed Joe: such a dreamer, you Ronnie: not the one who cant get high without their hand held Joe: n'awh Joe: that's the dream Joe: so romantic too Ronnie: yeah im living it loads of gear close & you far as Ronnie: greedy prick Joe: miss you too baby Joe: in a bit tho, gotta go pick up Ronnie: fuck off soft lad Ronnie: you miss me spoon feeding you Ronnie: you cant talk to me with a dealers cock in your mouth I know Ronnie: multitasking hard enough pretending not to be junkie scum yeah Joe: sure the whole mummy kink ain't your thing Joe: i'll try and get involved but kinda a mood killer Joe: which is kinda rude, know you don't want me to score Ronnie: thats all yours but I'll try anything once Ronnie: 'cause a whinging dope sick baby is really a turn on for me like Ronnie: just gotta keep that going Joe: no judgment here Joe: gotta do what you gotta do Ronnie: you gotta Ronnie: im sound Joe: and i'm happy for you Ronnie: lie to them don't lie to me Joe: alright Joe: will be a bit when I get mine but still Joe: you don't have to be here so Ronnie: you dont Ronnie: grow up & cut the fucking apron strings Joe: you've stopped being helpful for the day? Joe: right then Ronnie: fuck you Ronnie: not flying over to fuck you cos your ma aint in the mood & thats as helpful as it gets Joe: why not Ronnie: youve got another sister Ronnie: see if shes into it Joe: but you're so special yeah Ronnie: but shes a good grooming age Joe: leave it out Ronnie: or what Joe: or what Ronnie: asked you first joseph Joe: alright veronica Ronnie: alright weak cunt Joe: probably Ronnie: pick up before you make me sick Ronnie: jesus Joe: waiting on the man Joe: as per Ronnie: if id known rattling had made you shit out your whole spine id have sucked his dick for you & sped things along Joe: so sweet Joe: one of the many things I like about you Ronnie: list just gets longer the longer youre away yeah Ronnie: dont come back & maybe you'll fall in love Joe: i know you want that less than you want me back Joe: don't lie Ronnie: you care what I want now Ronnie: 💘 Joe: only when it benefits me too, darling Joe: junkie scum 101 Joe: was on my timetable like Ronnie: theyve really done a number on you if youre on your knees for my truth Joe: who Joe: mummy dearest or my school Ronnie: take your pick Joe: ain't tryna hide it Joe: just doing my bit to be the whiny baby you want rn Ronnie: cheers then Ronnie: nailed that Ronnie: tell your ma i finally get how she feels 'cause its too late to get you scraped out Joe: 😂 Joe: on it Joe: assuming i ain't 'bout to get kneecapped Joe: or worse Joe: stood up 💔 Ronnie: i'll cross my fingers for raped & robbed Ronnie: standard Joe: you know i ain't gonna have that much of a good time without you 💘 Ronnie: stop trying to make me say I hate you so you can rub one out Ronnie: i dont do sexting Joe: worth a shot Joe: just killing time here Joe: trying not to puke Ronnie: hot Joe: mhmm Joe: like that attempt at enthusiasm Ronnie: you really know how to make a girl wet what can I say Ronnie: gotta romance my dealer out of want instead of need now Joe: thought I'd return the favour Joe: just how I roll Ronnie: course you do golden boy Joe: you ain't that mad about it Joe: i know Ronnie: i aint as fucking thick as you so again course Joe: true Joe: [time for drew to show and not deliver] Ronnie: made up about all these compliments Ronnie: who knew you could be this much on my tits from this distance Joe: just that good Joe: obviously Ronnie: you aint shit Ronnie: don't lie Joe: whatever Joe: can't touch me now Ronnie: only your ma is turned on at the sight of you Ronnie: but she will Joe: alright Joe: cba rn Ronnie: how are you still crying Ronnie: did he not show Joe: he did Joe: but he was about 12 and had no gear Joe: got enough tranqs to knock out an elephant but still Ronnie: when i told you to hit up your siblings i meant the freckled one not one of the toddlers Joe: yeah right Joe: like he knows a great smack dealer, even if we did talk Ronnie: hes a coke head Ronnie: give him 5 Joe: nah Joe: opposite direction Joe: only way is up Ronnie: whatever just get on a plane Joe: yeah Joe: i'm gonna Joe: fuck this Ronnie: ill be waiting with shit that aint a fucking joke Ronnie: you can owe me Joe: yeah? Joe: good Ronnie: don't talk me out of it Ronnie: christ you're annoying Joe: 🤐 Ronnie: only want you back on your feet so I can kick em out from under you myself Joe: hot Ronnie: like you said, it ain't been that long Ronnie: you know I am Joe: yeah Joe: where was this distraction when I really really needed it tho Ronnie: baby when have I ever been good for you Ronnie: selfish to my core Ronnie: we're here for me Joe: works for me Ronnie: just get to the airport & stop fannying about Joe: I've already taken 'em so hold on Joe: no packing now never mind going through customs Ronnie: fuck's sake Joe: i had to Ronnie: when then Joe: still today Joe: just later Ronnie: fuck you Ronnie: call me Ronnie: maybe i'll answer if it ain't too late Joe: can i call you now too Joe: i gotta stay awake Ronnie: I'm good but no guarantees I'm that good Joe: they ain't kicked in that good yet either Joe: just keep my eyes on the road yeah Ronnie: how much did you pay for baby aspirin mckenna Joe: was cheap as fuck at least Joe: just a kid Joe: barely broke a 50 for all of these so Joe: [photo] Ronnie: not as green as you feel yeah Joe: want me to bring some back Ronnie: too late to rob the boy now Ronnie: & you'll take em yourself before you see me I know you Joe: yeah Joe: i will Joe: but had good intentions, babe Ronnie: take em to church Ronnie: what use is that shit to me Ronnie: gimme bad ideas or don't come around Joe: got plenty of those come on Ronnie: like what Ronnie: come on Joe: what Joe: tryna focus here Ronnie: you wanna stay awake Ronnie: play the game Joe: alright Joe: yeah Joe: you gonna come back to mine Joe: flatmate's gone home Ronnie: are you gonna make it worth it if she's not there to kick in the teeth Joe: won't need to miss her once I'm back Ronnie: fucked her yet? Ronnie: we could do it together Ronnie: I dont normally slip one to virgins but I already made the exception for you Joe: no and funny Joe: keep me as the only exception Joe: how else will i feel special Ronnie: keep hitting up preteen dealers that'll help Joe: he was pretty Ronnie: if im ever in the area like Joe: i wish Ronnie: you & your ma both Ronnie: my turn to feel special Joe: weird ain't it Ronnie: for me Ronnie: you love it Joe: nah Ronnie: not a question Ronnie: you do Joe: don't Ronnie: liar Joe: maybe from you Joe: I'll allow it Ronnie: those pills better be kicking in Ronnie: if youre chatting this much shit sober you can stay in ireland Joe: 😂 Joe: they are Ronnie: book a flight Ronnie: i ain't your ma im not doing it Joe: lemme get home, like Joe: be more obvious you're tryna kill me Ronnie: what im trying to do Ronnie: you gonna call that your home now Joe: you know what i mean Ronnie: yeah Ronnie: i know youre full of shit, mckenna Joe: nah Joe: just bars Joe: make it up to you Ronnie: bullshit Ronnie: x it as many times as fits Joe: k Joe: prove it when i see you Ronnie: you reckon Joe: not a question Ronnie: nah just bold claims for someone who still fucks like a virgin & has to check in with his ma Ronnie: can you without her permission Joe: get the slip signed if you're so worried Joe: chill out Ronnie: fuck off Ronnie: couple of chewable vitamins & you're chill yeah Joe: you said you got loads Ronnie: I said enough Ronnie: & that was before babysitting you Ronnie: you make me need to spike every vein Joe: need Joe: want Joe: same diff we both know it Ronnie: not trying to make it matter baby Ronnie: put any words in my mouth you want Ronnie: or need Joe: here Joe: wish me luck on telling 'em i'm off Joe: or don't Ronnie: i'll do it for you Ronnie: point me at the relevant mckennas Joe: even stoned Joe: know that ain't a good idea Ronnie: pussy Joe: love u 2 Ronnie: 💋 Joe: [suitable amount of hours for the shit to wear off to a manageable level, avoid the parents and get out on the sly] Joe: [airport photo] Joe: tada Ronnie: we reckoned you'd bottled it Joe: taken a poll like Ronnie: yeah know you like to feel special Joe: warms my cold dead 💘 Joe: honest Ronnie: walk your corpse to me then Joe: and she says she don't sext Ronnie: you wanna be the only exception so bad or what Joe: you know how bad i want it Ronnie: dont leave again & maybe I'll buy it Joe: being dopesick was almost a nice distraction from thinking about you Ronnie: that warms my 🖤 Joe: thought so Joe: nothing does it quite like me being near-death yeah Ronnie: i do like you pathetic Ronnie: but don't think that any of it comes close to me yeah Joe: you saying you're better than heroin Ronnie: im saying you think you were hurting earlier Ronnie: ill show you pain Ronnie: all you have to do is fuck off again Joe: i won't Joe: i need to be there Joe: with you Ronnie: leave me & I will fucking break you Ronnie: i mean it Joe: i know Joe: i'm not gonna Ronnie: how did you get out Joe: parents weren't in but i said a uni friend was in a car accident and they couldn't get hold of his parents Joe: going hell anyway Joe: and someone on my course was hit by a car so if any of them are that concerned to go snooping Ronnie: thats beautiful Ronnie: you're not as much of a useless waster as youve sounded for most of the day like Joe: steady Joe: was almost not an insult Ronnie: who isn't turned on by a good lie Joe: only when I lie to you Joe: got it Ronnie: don't you fucking dare lie to me Joe: couldn't if i wanted to Ronnie: think about what kind of welcome back you want Ronnie: 'cause I can be nice or not nice Ronnie: its on you & what you say to me Joe: baby Joe: already told you I basically missed you more than heroin, how nice can one boy be Ronnie: you wont be saying that when I hand the gear over Joe: yeah i will Joe: been on you longer Ronnie: its fucking good though Joe: yeah Joe: ain't gonna say otherwise Ronnie: paid more & got better so you won't wanna leave Ronnie: dont have to rely on pretty preteens around here Joe: you know i didn't wanna leave in the first place Ronnie: i know you keep saying it like it makes a difference Joe: tell me what will and i'll do it Ronnie: i'll burn your passport that will Joe: burn my passport Joe: that's what you want? Ronnie: what do you have to go running to them for Ronnie: that's what I wanna know Ronnie: what the fuck is there for you Ronnie: cant even get a fix Joe: nothing, never has been Joe: it's obligation though Joe: you get it, i know you've done some shit just 'cos charlie wants to Joe: or 'cos bronson need it Ronnie: that's different Joe: why Ronnie: I ain't going round bullshitting how much i hate 'em on the one breath & in the other dropping everything for the pair of 'em Ronnie: ride or die is that Joe: okay so it is different Joe: it's more complicated Ronnie: fuck complicated its black & white Joe: nah like Joe: whatever i reckon about them Joe: i still owe 'em Joe: for now Joe: debts to pay like Ronnie: how ain't it been paid Ronnie: they ain't done you right since you were a kid Ronnie: if ever Ronnie: a roof & food that's easily totalled Joe: i dunno Joe: shit ton of interest Joe: learnt from the best debt collectors in liverpool, like Ronnie: write it off Ronnie: is when youre dead Joe: tell 'em that's my payment plan Ronnie: talking it out is your first mistake Ronnie: when the fuck has that worked on anyone who comes to collect Ronnie: dont even buy you time just makes you look a doss cunt more than you are Joe: maybe i can convince my da but you know she's biased Joe: all i have to do is get uni done and they can tick it off as a success Ronnie: i dont know jack about her Ronnie: how i want it Ronnie: if i aint read it off a file as a kid i don't need to hear it Joe: yeah Joe: but i ain't telling you i'm golden boy 'cos it seems cool am i Joe: whatever i'm gone now Ronnie: you're telling me 'cause you wanna trade wounds since I won't have your stories off you Ronnie: burn it into your arm deeper & maybe I'll pay attention Joe: you know it ain't about you, babe Joe: anyway, if we were still being nice I'd tell you none of the usual shit works to get you outta my head so thanks for that one Ronnie: ive been saying all day it's about her & I ain't competing with your fucking ma alright Ronnie: she smothered you poor baby Ronnie: you wanna try neglect its real easy Ronnie: feels better too Joe: you're the one who keeps bringing her up, yeah Joe: you want me to be that cunt Joe: easy Joe: I bet it was better, lucky you Ronnie: youre the one who ran home to have her tuck you in again Ronnie: youre that cunt Ronnie: mama's boy Joe: fuck's sake Joe: yeah alright Ronnie: you're the cunt who has the nerve to come crying to me when your mommy would shoot you up if you asked her to Joe: you reckon Joe: considering her dad was and she don't even hate yours as much i'll go with a no on that one Joe: plenty of sad stories I've heard and you ain't need to Ronnie: I reckon golden boy Ronnie: loves you as much as I love gear yeah Ronnie: & not trying to throw another baby away so you're welcome for the free pass Joe: cheers Joe: feels great Ronnie: you gonna cry again mckenna Joe: if i do i'll send you photos, don't worry Ronnie: 💘 Ronnie: send me some either way Joe: you're a headfuck you know Ronnie: yeah Ronnie: dealer said it last time I fucked him Joe: you want fresh line Joe: 👌 Ronnie: give it to me then Joe: give me the flight to think of something you ain't heard before Ronnie: it ain't long enough Joe: fair there's plenty of shit i can say that you ain't heard for real before Joe: but it'd be a copout so i'll keep trying Ronnie: like what Joe: how many of your brothers you fucked lik4 Ronnie: don't reckon freckles is interested Ronnie: leaves me the gay & the kid Ronnie: what about your sister that'd be hot like Joe: they're all kids, just so you know Ronnie: no they ain't Ronnie: i know you lost your virginity to me but don't reckon they're waiting Joe: you wish Joe: hopefully just on the first count Ronnie: you're a sick boy Ronnie: 💋🖕 Joe: you too baby Joe: 💘 Ronnie: thats not some shit I ain't heard before Joe: just truth though Joe: no lying Ronnie: feels like one Ronnie: I'm good Joe: what you want me to say to that Ronnie: say what you wanna say Ronnie: again not your ma Joe: i'm good then Ronnie: truth or lie Joe: lie but not a big one Joe: true once i'm off this plane Ronnie: you out of sweeties or they're just that sugar free Joe: i'm trying to time it just right Joe: then i can actually just a decent amount and not be in a coma for you Ronnie: alright fuck Ronnie: you win Ronnie: nobody's said that to me before Joe: i mean it Joe: i want you first Ronnie: don't say this shit when you're on the wrong side of a plane ride Ronnie: jesus mckenna Joe: gotta make sure you miss me too Ronnie: you're such a cunt Joe: yeah Joe: you still want me though Ronnie: shut the fuck up Joe: why Ronnie: what do you want me to say Joe: you don't have to say anything Joe: but I ain't gonna shut up about how I ain't been able to get you out of my head this whole time Ronnie: yeah you said im a headfuck Ronnie: more than your family & the gear Ronnie: I'll take it Joe: better though Joe: you know Joe: so I'll take it and all Ronnie: you're a headfuck Ronnie: what are you being nice to me for Joe: you said it could go one of two ways Joe: you want me to be mean Ronnie: I want you to be here Ronnie: but you ain't Joe: I'm coming Ronnie: & I'm waiting on you Ronnie: what the fuck Joe: I know Ronnie: I hate you Ronnie: I'm losing it, do you know that Joe: I'm sorry Ronnie: what am I gonna do with that Joe: I don't know Joe: what do you want me to do Ronnie: what can you do Ronnie: can't even score by yourself Ronnie: worse than a fucking kid Joe: was desperate Joe: and it was your idea Ronnie: thats how it is every time Ronnie: you don't have any fucking idea 'cause I'm here cupping your balls & wiping your arse for you Joe: you've been giving me an easy ride of it yeah Joe: alright Ronnie: youre gonna try & call bullshit on that yeah Joe: nah i just had no idea you were being so generous Joe: would've got you a keychain at least Ronnie: fuck you Joe: you too Ronnie: get one with sharp edges we can make a blood oath or some shit Ronnie: maybe after you'll grow the hell up Joe: sure Joe: it's my speciality yeah Ronnie: cutting's more mine but you can have it Ronnie: same old shit gets boring yeah Joe: we can share Joe: she'd be proud Ronnie: my aspiration in life Ronnie: cheers Joe: obvs mine too Ronnie: you brought her up then not me Joe: reckon you owed me that one so Joe: even Ronnie: 💋🖕 Joe: you're cute Ronnie: say that again & you'll be swallowing teeth Joe: don't worry, that was hot Joe: you won it back Ronnie: go to hell mckenna Joe: you wanna be with me forever Joe: 💘 Ronnie: just reckoning you'll get there quicker than you will this fucking airport Joe: just be glad I didn't try to get back in at rush hour Ronnie: be glad im still waiting Joe: ain't gonna waste words on it Joe: show you Ronnie: 💘

[xoshepard]

related to my last post, but I can’t even watch wotakoi and have a good time bc the me who enjoyed that show was pretty sure that she would also have a fun and happy romance again some day but at this point I kinda feel like I just exist to get taken advantage of or emotionally leeched from and idk if I have any proof that I deserve any more than that anyway so who am I to fight it or daydream about something so idealistic and pretty as romance/love when I’m just.

like I dunno, I don’t think that I’m an awful person, but ever since you-know-who all I do is float around and let people take advantage of me as much as they can before I get too depressed or my pride is hurt too much to bear it anymore and then I ghost on them and repeat the cycle elsewhere, and tbh I guess I must be an awful person to have treated someone the way I treated him and all my friends before I met him

the good thing about my life rn is that I can have fun and be well-liked and although my fuckin self-esteem is clearly still nowhere near it should be, at least that eases the reality of my constant crippling loneliness

like I guess one could posit that I’m lonely because I choose to keep people away from me, and that’s true, but god being real to someone and not just “a cute smiley girl at work” or “tahirah, who only exists in one certain place and is only here to listen to me complain so I don’t strangle someone” or “that girl who I’m determined to cheat on my wife with even though she’s playing hard to get” (hhh) is the fucking scariest thing bc at the end of the day im not cute or smart or any kind of role model or however else people decide to shape me in their minds, my personality can be really ugly and I’m passive-aggressive and proud and consistently emotionally unavailable... like the people who don’t see me as a real person at work or whatever most definitely see me as something better than what I actually am so why bring anyone close enough to see how shitty I actually am hhhhh

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #163

i’m too tired to think of song lyrics rn.

Do you have a little sister? Yes. The last person you kissed, how many times have you cried in front of them?  In her actual presence, I think once? Over a phone or Skype, like... two or three times. Do you know anyone who has been arrested? Yes. Think a lot before you fall asleep? SO MUCH. It's part of why I struggle to fall asleep. Brain doesn't stop. Ever been the only one trying to fix a relationship? That's the story of my fucking life. Romantically, just once. Are you guilty of flirting too much? Definitely not. Did you ever set up a lemonade stand when you were a kid? No. Does virginity matter to you? Not really anymore, no. So long you gave it up to someone you sincerely loved and were smart about it. Do you know anybody who was abused? A few emotionally. Have you ever bought or sold something on Facebook Marketplace? No. Do you feel uncomfortable sharing drinks with other people? YEAH. The only case in which it does't bother me too much is when I've been a *truly* s/o with you for a while. Like if I'd go beyond just kissing you, it shouldn't be a bit deal to just drink after you. Is there something that happened in your past you hate talking about? Does anyone not, really? Is there a difference between just love and in love? YEAH. Are you good at admitting your problems? Pretty easy for me. How many times have you dated the person you’re with now? Once. Has your cell phone ever rung in class? No. Do you ever feel like just laying down and giving up? Not really anymore!! I get down, but I never have the urge to just give up entirely. Have you ever lied about your age? When I was younger signing up for websites lmao. Lied about your name? No. Do you sit on the mattresses in furniture stores? Sometimes. Are there some topics that you aren’t very open about? Maybe? It depends on the person. Have you ever had an encounter with a very dangerous animal? No. Have you ever fed a wild animal people food? I mean I fed ducks bread as a kid/before I knew it was bad. Would you rather die or eat another human being? Die. Some things aren't worth living after you've done them. Do you wish that animals could talk? Why or why not? YES!!!!!! BOTH SIDES COULD LEARN SO MUCH!!!!!!! AND PEOPLE WOULD CARE ABOUT THEM MORE!!!!!!!!!!!! Who did you last fall asleep with? Sara. Now your cell phone, what color is it? Dark blue. Who were you last in a car with? Nicole. What color was the last vehicle you were in? White. Have you had “the best night of your life”? Eh. Probably not. Toilet papered someones house? I'm an adult. Who was the last person you high-fived? Probably Aubree or Ryder. Or the girl Colleen watches. Do you own a romper? Noooo, not my thing. What does your computer’s slow-loading cursor look like? Blue circle. Would you rather have a trampoline or swimming pool? Pool. What was the name of the first porcelain doll you got? Oh fuck that shit, I was afraid of porcelain dolls and still am. Do you sell any products? If so, what? No. If not, do you want to start a business? Well I wanna be a freelance photographer. Have your parents ever crushed your dreams? No. Do you own anything cheetah print? No. Have you ever made a collage for your bedroom wall? No. Do you make DIY projects and gifts? No. Don't have the motivation. Owls or peacocks? Owls. Lions or horses? Lions. Is your kitchen floor black and white checkered? No. What do you make wishes on? Nothing. What’s the best natural pain reliever? Sleep. Do you like trees? Yeah! What’s your favorite Paramore song? "That's What You Get." What is your favorite color for bridesmaid dresses? LIGHT PINK. Happy and soft colors! Do you think you are pregnant? That's impossible. Do you like the ocean? Yeah. You wouldn't see me deep it there, but I mean, it's cool. Are you too shy to ask someone out? Apparently not. I guess. I asked Juan, Tyler, and Sara, BUT only because I knew they liked me. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute? YES I FEEL SAFE AND LOVED AND IT'S JUST CUTE!!!!!! Is there a high chance of you going out to the movies soon? Dad and I may go see another soon-ish, but I doubt it. We both think The Meg looks good. What are you listening to? I swear I go back to binge "Cool Patrol" by NSP like every other month. Have you ever dated someone longer than a year? Once, and I can pretty much guarantee this one's gonna hit that mark. Would you be able to climb out your bedroom window to sneak out? If I could open the damn thing. Can you taste the difference between brand name food and store brand food? Sometimes. Would you be embarrassed to buy pads/tampons/condoms? Which one more? No. Do you still own a VCR? No. Have you ever purchased Girl Scout cookies? Yeah. Do you own a nightgown? No. Who is one rapper that just always tends to get on your nerves? Why? I can't stand Kanye, because y'know, he's a god-complexed dick. Has anyone ever made you breakfast in bed? Were they trying to suck up? No. When will be the next time you’ll get a shot? What is this shot anyway? I'unno. When will you next eat tacos? Do you even like tacos, or not so much? I hate tacos. Do you know anyone who is pregnant? One of my very best high school friends recently revealed she is and I am soooo fucking excited for her. Would you or have you ever engaged in casual sex? If we were both single there is one (1) person I probably would fuck I hate myself like a lot and I am a hypocrite. What’s your favorite thing about spring? Just the flowers. And that's it. Have you ever tried belly dancing? If so, did you like it? No, & that would be a blinding display. Were you a part of any clique in high school? Kinda? The goths, emos, metalheads, and scenes all kinda. Naturally came together. Most knew everyone's names and we kinda had this unspoken bond with all the others. We always sat together at lunch. Have you ever given blood? Yeah. I'd actually like to do it again, I think, with me drinking a good amount of water now. Do you like the way you grew up? The only thing I'd change is I wish chores were more firmly enforced. I don't do them enough, and I'm approaching 23. Would you prefer to read or write poetry? Write. If you were to have a child, what would the last name be? Well, mine? But once married I'd definitely get it changed to Sara's. I will not doom her with mine lmao. Are you currently working? And if so do you like your job? No. Have you ever walked out on a job or just not showed up? No. Have you told your parents all of your secrets from when you were a teen? No. Would you rather be able to fly or walk on water? Fly. What’s the best club you’ve ever been to? Never been to one. Which sport are you the best at playing? I wasn't bad at basketball last I played. Do you know anyone who has gotten pregnant despite using contraception? Probably. Are you planning on buying a house in the near future? Not the very recent future. A house/apartment will probably be rented first. What was your favorite family vacation you went on as a kid? Disney World. What's something about you that others might find unpleasant or off-putting? I'm hard to get to know due to me fearing judgment. I can be very defensive if you push me to talk about some things. Have you ever kissed someone with a beard? Jason had more of a goatee sometimes. When you were younger, did you believe in Santa?  Yeah. Are you going to make your kids believe in Santa? I don't want kids. If I did however, I probably would. Have you ever made your own calendar? No. What foreign language did you take in high school? One semester of Latin, German for four semesters. Do your parents have gray hair? Yeah. What's your favorite Katy Perry song? Uhhhhh I guess "E.T." What was the last thing you did that made you feel proud of yourself? I haven't acted on it yet, but I made the decision that I would make a sincere effort to fight AvPD and be way more open about myself. What was the last significant and great thing that happened in your life? Met Sara. What is your favorite Starbucks' drink? I don't go there. Who are your last 3 missed calls from? Vocational rehab, Mom, Colleen. Do you like Skittles? Yesssss. Do you blow dry your hair? No. How do you like your eggs? Fertilized by Mark Fischfuck goddammit What song is the catchiest song you know? Hmmm. I suppose maybe "Bad Romance," because I can enjoy like, ANY cover, as well as the original. What is your greatest life accomplishment? Healing. Who is the last person you left a voicemail for? VR. Which is better: the Twilight book, or the Twilight movie? I haven't read any, never watched any. Do you enjoy crossword puzzles? Yes. Do you own any records? No. I wish. Something I'd love to collect. Who was the last guy you called? Dad, probably. You can only listen to THREE CDs for the rest of your life. What are they? "Black Rain" by Ozzy Osbourne, "Black Album" by Metallica, and "The Ascension" by Otep. What is the most unique or uncommon thing about you? Uh I dunno. I guess having blue eyes??? Idk. What happened the last time you were in a fight with someone? I cut her ass out and ignored her. Have you ever been in a physical fight? Who started it? No. What is your favorite type of kiss/way of kissing? Hardcore making out. Favorite form of affection in general/not sexual/etc? Hand holding. Or tight hugs. What do you think about anime? They have some of the most interesting stories, tbh. Who is the last person you unfollowed on Tumblr, and why did you do this? Someone whose posting content changed and I didn't enjoy, probably. What are some upcoming concerts in your town/city? The only one I know of and care about is Metallica in January. Is there any type of medicine you can’t take? For what reason? Not that I know of. Would you rather have potato or chicken noodle soup if you had to? Never had potato, but I don't think I'd like it, so. I don't really like chicken noodle, either. If something on your body hurts, which part is it most likely to be? My damn knees. Is Russian or Native American history more interesting to you? Native American. Have you ever put gum on the bottom of your desk/chair? I'm not an animal. Would you rather go to the movies, drive-in, or stay at home and watch a movie? Go to the movies. Would you ever be a race-car driver? No. What kind of deodorant do you use? Secret. Have you ever wished you were born the opposite sex? No. What was the last thing you spent a lot of time thinking about? I'm not sure. What do you think about astrology/the zodiac? If you used to believe/not believe in it, what changed your mind? It's absolute bullshit. What is one conspiracy you believe in? Or one you think is total crap? You literally cannot convince me 9/11 wasn't orchestrated by the government. Stupid one, lizard people. Where was the last place you didn’t want to go but had to anyway? Urgent care. When was the last time you yelled/screamed and why? I dunno. What was the last big decision you made? Do you think you made the right choice? Permanently, absolutely, kick Colleen out of my life. I know it was the right choice. What Hogwarts house are you in? What do you think about the “stereotypes” regarding your house? I took a quiz out of boredom before, and I got Hufflepuff, very closely followed by Gryffindor. However, some questions were hard for me, as I know pretty much nothing about the series. So, don't know stereotypes either. What is something you want to do, but you don’t think you’ll ever be able to? Skydive. Don't have the guts. When was the last time you left somewhere for forever (or at least don’t plan on returning)? Ha, mental hospital. What was the last thing you quit? Meat. Do you like to help people? How about animals? Which would you rather help, if it applies? Duh!! And I dunno, really. I see us as equal. I don't really know which I'd go to first if both were in a crisis or something. As an adult, what is the most and least you’ve weighed? I don't even want to say what I weighed at the end of '16. The least was ~120, what I'm desperately trying to get back to. @_@ What is something you like that no one else you know likes too? *shrugs* What is something you don’t like that everyone seems to like? Mexican food came to mind. Do you follow a particular diet/meal-plan/ethic? Currently I do a 16-hour fast every day and then I'm also a vegetarian. What is a subject you tend to avoid with other people, for whatever reason? Politics. What is the longest (or most involved) thing you’ve ever written? Well, RP. You put all the shit I've written together, and it'd probably be longer than the Bible lmao. Do you prefer to live with others or by yourself? Why is this? OTHERS. I GET LONELY. What scares you about getting older? Feeling the physical effects. What about something you’ve done that sounds too wild to believe? I don't think anything, really. What was the last thing someone made fun of you for? I don't know. Do you have a member of the opposite sex you’ve told everything to? Jason knew everything at the time we were together. What color hair do you find sexiest on the opposite gender? I like unnaturally colored hair most, so... but for "normal" colors, black. Who last slept in your bed besides you? Sara. If the last person you had sex with asked you to date them, would you? I would *actually* kick him in the dick if he had the audacity. If you could see any musician live, front row, who would you choose? Metallica with Mom. What is your favorite social networking site? Facebook for the sake of keeping up with people, Tumblr for entertainment purposes. Has anyone in your family fought in any of the wars? No. Has a stray dog ever tried to bite you? No. Are you normally a person to tell people off? Deeefinitely not. Do you even wear any jeans other than skinny anymore? I don't wear jeans anymore period. What did you talk about at lunch today with your friends? I'm not in school. Are you sensitive to caffeine? Nope. How do you usually get around? Mom drives me. Have you ever been accused of being too clingy? No, even though I know I'm very clingy. Do you like vitamin water? I've never tried it. Do you think too little or too much? Waaaay too much. Would you rather vacation by a beach or a lake? Lake. Do you ever keep arguing when you know you’re wrong? It can make me feel embarrassed, but in most cases, I'm quick to drop it. Would your mom care if she found condoms in your room? She'd be confused as fuck considering she knows I'm not with a guy. Are you ticklish? Ugh yes. What do you think of dating websites? They work for some people, but, in general, I don't think they're the greatest idea when you consider how many desperate people there are. Now yes, there's most certainly sincere ones, but. I think you'd have to do some fishing to find the right person. Which show is better: SpongeBob Squarepants or The Fairly Odd Parents? Duuuude the latter. Show was dope my dude. Think you could cut off your own foot if it meant saving your leg? To save my leg, I think so. Well... I dunno, I guess it depends on the situation. I'd be concerned about blood loss. What is the worst thing about having a pet? Knowing they'll die. Have you ever actually seen someone fall on a banana peel? No. Do moths freak you out? They're absolutely beautiful to me, but at the same time, the size of their eyes are a liiittle bit creepy. Did you ever cut your own hair when you were little? No. What is your favorite fruit? Strawberries. Who last messaged you on Facebook? Bethany to let me know when the new wedding date was. Have you ever had surgery or stitches? Both twice. Do you own any clothing that has animal print? No. Does your family eat dinner together? Almost always. What was the last video game you played? Silent Hill 3. Have you ever touched a shark? No. Do you prefer writing in print or cursive? I write mostly in cursive. Do you have any family traditions? Like what? Not that we still do. What is the best time you’ve ever had with your family? I'm not positive. Maybe some summer days when we'd all be swimming and cooking out together. What’s the scariest experience you’ve ever had? The night of the breakup. No overdose or panic attack or anything was scarier than when I realized he was leaving. What’s your favorite computer game? World Of Warcraft kms. What’s the biggest mistake people make on the first date? Just my personal opinion, but some people get sexual way too fast. If you're looking for an actual, long-lasting relationship, you have to connect more emotionally. Do you get turned on easily? It depends on who you are, definitely. Some people can't do anything, yet another person can do the same thing and I'm turned on in an instant. Do you still like to color? Not especially. What’s your favorite children’s show? Pokemon. Would you ever get band artwork tattooed on you? Metallica has some badass designs, but I don't know. Eh, actually, that may be something I'd get whenever my mom passes away considering her quote, "All I need in life are my babies and Metallica," and I think she means it lmao. No one loves them more than this woman. Is there someone you liked so much and nothing ever happened? The biggest crush I had that didn't go anywhere was on Sebastian in high school, but I don't know about "so much?" Like I wasn't desperate to be together. Has the last person you kissed met your family? My mom, Dad, and Nicole. Hopefully Ashley and the kids if her husband doesn't wanna be a homophobic shit. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? Just my dad. What is the one thing you remember most about January of last year? I was in the worst state of my life. Approaching my suicide attempt, so I was having the thoughts badly by that point. How do you think you will look 3 years from now? I better be a skinny legend with bomb-ass hair and more tats, boo. What would be number one on your bucket list? Touch a wild meerkat. Probably a pup above all. How old do you think you’ll be when you make your will? I dunno. Do you get any of your songs from Limewire? Lol how old is this??? I used to. Do you call anybody ‘baby’? Literally all my pets and Sara. Where is the fanciest place you have ever visited? Uhhhh I guess somewhere in Disney World??? Are your parents night owls or morning birds? I guess the latter is more accurate. Where did you buy the shirt you’re wearing now? Somewhere online. I found it on Facebook, don't recall the site it led to. Are you easy to get along with? I think and hope so. I'm very accepting. What do you usually do right when you wake up? Check the time. What’s your biggest passion? SPREADING POSITIVITY!!!!! Have you ever thrown your phone in anger? I believe I might have once when Jason and I were arguing?? If I did, it definitely wasn't that hard. I have a vague memory of throwing in onto the carpeted floor.

[my-happy-little-bean]

92 things :)

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag people.

i was tagged by lovely @themessafterthemarty​ who is pretty lovely have i ever said that okay here we gooo

last:

1. drink: water, i think. how exciting. 2. phone call: my mum, who called me to listen to ‘tequila’ that was playing in wherever she was. what an angel :D 3. text message: her 💕 4. song you listen to: ‘supermassive black hole’ from muse ✌️ 5. time you cried: last night, heh #findgabbie’smentalstability2k17

have you:

6. kissed someone twice: yup and it was lovely  7. kissed someone and regretted it: i haven’t really regretted the kiss above yet, but i feel like i should (it was all consensual though; it’s just that we are both trying to move on and i  c a n ‘ t) :’D 8. cheated on: i haven’t even in a position to be cheated on :P 9. lost someone special: everyone’s special in their own way (i want to keep @themessafterthemarty​‘s answer because it’s really nice and i can surprisingly relate) 10. been depressed: no medical proof to back that up, but i would say what i have been feeling for at least 3 years or more has been pretty close :P 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: i haven’t gotten drunk, but i have thrown up multiple times in my life (i say that as if i should be proud of that lol)

list 3 favourite colours

12-14: pink, blue, mint green (all pastel because i have an a e s t h e t i c (or at least try to)

in the last year have you:

15. made new friends: i have :) 16. fallen out of love: more like fallen in love lolololololol 18. found out someone was talking about you: i mean, i am so popular. everyone is obviously talking good shit about me and not trash or anything because everyone likes me right of course right (i am kidding) (unfortunately( 19. met someone who changed you: yes, and i am v thankful for them :) 20. found out who your friends are: i mean, yeah. though no one has proven they aren’t a friend of mine because i like my friends (for now) (jk) (i hope) 21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: i has no fac-e-book

general:

22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: still no fac-e-book.  23. do you have any pets: two birds (chubby the third and skylar) and a dog named kiko ^-^ 24. do you want to change your name: not really, to be honest. gabbie’s pretty cool.  25. what did you do for your last birthday: i think i went to school, went out to fortinos with some friends and had potato wedges and red velvet cake, and lied down in my bed at home, doing homework, and ate cupcakes with my fam. also got a uke. good times :) 26. what time do you wake up: well as it is summer, i have been waking up later than i usually try to (6 am), so 8 am - 10 am-ish? 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: crying/sleeping. huh.  28. name something you can’t wait for: thomas sander’s part 2 to his newest sander sides video (because who leaves me on a cliffhanger on youtube how dare he) (kidding he’s amazing), but i can’t wait to be happy (aka never? i hope not) 29. when was the last time you saw your mom?: like, a few hours ago. she just went to work.  30. what is one thing you wish you could change in your life: my obsessive perfectionism. let’s just say that and carry on before this becomes 92 regrets :P 31. what are you listening to right now: there’s a tv in the background, and my sister is listening to “almost is never enough” on her phone.  32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: …have i??? *has a crisis* 33. something that is getting on your nerves: being criticized for my decisions and what i look like by my freaking family. like, seriously?? 34. most visited website: tumblr, youtube, or fanfiction.net. i am too lazy to check :’) 35. mole/s: i have been told the mole (is it a mole or a birthmark i am not too sure) on my arm resulted in my mum drinking a lot of bubble tea during her pregnancy, resulting in a tapioca-shaped mole on my arm, lol. i have one on my nose as well, and probs more, but those are my significant ones :P  36. mark/s: quite a few good ones. i earned ‘em at school. pretty solid tbh. (lol i have some body marks, i guess. depends what you mean by marks).  37. childhood dream: i wanted to be an author or a princess. one out of the two are still possible for me (tho ya never know) 38. hair colour: dark brown 39. long or short hair: short, but desperately trying to be dodie-esque short 40. do you have a crush on someone: yupppppppppppppppp. 41. what do you like about yourself: i am an strong advocator of human decency. i think that’s pretty good :) 42. piercings: just ears. not cool enough for any other ones (aka i am too much of a wuss) 43. blood type: my dad said my mum knows. i am too lazy to call her up for the sake of this, so je ne sais pas.   44. nicknames: gabbie is short for gabriella, but i also go by gabs, gabster, and really cool person, and trash can. 45. relationship status: single pringle.  46. zodiac: sagittarius  47. pronouns: her/she :) 48. favourite TV Shows: friends *claps four times* 50. right or left hand: right or left hand wot 51. surgery: never had one *knocks on wood* 52. hair dyed in different colour: i really want toooo 53. sport: never. of course not. why would i ever try to. dat’s hard stuff. (where is 54) 55. vacation: i like vacation! im on summer vacation rn, but not going anywhere extravagant soon other than ottawa, i think. 56. pair of trainers: wait wot do you mean sneakers idek know anymore

more general:

57. eating: what a good thing. i love eating. i just had spring rolls and rice and adobo flakes with an egg ✨ 58. drinking: SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS of water, 59. i’m about to: go pee. also i should be working on pbb, or at least some kind of writing.  62. want: my wifi back. stop being 90% used and just reset already. also happiness; or at least, satisfaction. 63. get married: “I mean, I need a partner in crime someday” @themessafterthemarty​ wins the award of being the most awesome  64. career: something in psychology or creative writing? who knows :P

which is better:

65. hugs or kisses: i might say kisses, but hugs are nicer and cozier and i can’t screw up a hug i think 66. lips or eyes: i like looking at eyes, but like eyes in general kind of freak me out. i like kissing lips? i dunno what even is this question 67. shorter or taller: a healthy mid-height. of whatever this means. 68. older or younger: what are you on about 70. nice arms or nice stomach: how do these become nice things every part of the body is nice i guess 71. sensitive or loud: like in volume or personality? be a lil’ more specific, game. 72. hook up or relationship: “you go from bros to hos, but like, good hos” @themessafterthemarty​ how are you not an motivational speaker yet 73. troublemaker or hesitant: if you mean which one is better, i would say hesitant. a little bit of hesitancy means careful, i guess. maybe that’s just me.

have you ever:

74. Kissed a Stranger: not a stranger, no. 75. Drank hard liquor: i like my water hard, ya know 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: not permanently — contacts on the ground once they’re out and i can’t see = hell on earth 77. turned someone down: both close romances have turned me down i know that wasn’t the question but i crave sympathy 78. sex on the first date: you talk as if i am good at getting/having either 79. broken someone’s heart: i am not too sure. 80. had your heart broken: unfortunately it hurts more when you knew there was nothing to be broken 🙂🙃🙂 81. been arrested: of course not. 82. cried when someone died: i didn’t expect myself to, but tears was just an automatic response when my godmother died. 83. Fallen for a friend: unfortunately it hurts more when you knew nothing could happen with them 🙂🙃🙂

that was the worst game of have you ever ever my poor heart

do you believe in:

84: Yourself: not usually, lol 85. Miracles: “per definition this means divine interference and i just think any possible god is a bit too busy, the world’s just full of glorious coincidences” i am yet again stealing @themessafterthemarty‘s response it’s just too good. 86. love at first sight: not completely, no. 87. santa claus: OF COURSE I BELIEVE IN SANTA HE IS REAL 100% I WILL FIGHT WHOEVER SAYS OTHERWISE 88. kiss on the first date: not on a first date, no. maybe it’s because i have technically never had a social outing when both members of the party considered it a date. 

other:

90. Current best friend name: sierra 💕 91. eye colour: like a black hole. or really really really dark chocolate.  92. Favourite movie: for now, i’m going to say la la land. mainly because i can probably watch it tons of times and still feel amazed by it. 

i tag @evermoredeath @lovelylilaclester @troyescacti @lovelyfrankway @sleepyphanfics and anyone else who wants to spend time on these questions (you’re gonna have to choose what 54 is though because i dunno what it is) :P