atcarpenter - Tumblr blog

[atcarpenter]

I’m trying not to turn into mom

Sam is noticing that Tara is ill coping with her life’s history.

addiction, alcoholism, some suicidal ideation, hurt/comfort, angst, referenced child abuse

///

“There you are. Been looking all over for you,” Sam said as she emerged onto the rooftop and her eyes finally landed on Tara. She pulled her jacket a little tighter around herself against the cold night air.

Tara was sitting on the wide rim of the rooftop with one foot propped up and her chin resting on her knee, looking out over the city lights of New York by night. There was a bottle of not-so-cheap and not-low-percentage liqueur standing at Tara’s foot. It was hard to tell from where Sam stood in the dim light how empty the bottle was already. 

When she heard Sam’s voice, Tara turned her head towards her, and Sam got closer. She had known this had been going on even if Tara had made a valiant and partially successful attempt at hiding it from everyone, including Sam whom she lived with. Sam was pleased when Tara actually spoke up without being prompted by Sam first. She was less pleased with what she ended up saying.

“I am trying not to turn into mom. I am trying so hard, Sam.” There were dark shadows under her eyes that Sam had watched getting worse and worse over the recent days, weeks even, and her voice sounded so tired.

Sam eyed the bottle at her sister's feet. For a while she said nothing and then sat down beside her. 

“You know I have experience with this,” she offered. She reached out a hand and squeezed her sister’s leg. She looked over at Tara, cocking her head a little to the side. “Talk to me.” Tara released a slow breath.

“It’s just hard. I didn’t think it’d be like this.” She wiped a single tear off the corner of her eye with one hand before it could spill. Her jaw ticked, and Sam watched her throat bob. “You know, I used to find her like this? In the living room or the kitchen, drinking alone. After you left, I got so fucking scared of her. You know you left me alone with a monster, right? One time, she hit me so hard I had a black eye for weeks. Amber is the only one who noticed. I caked it up with makeup instead of telling anyone, like an idiot.” God, Sam hated when she sounded this bitter, but the guilt gnawing at her guts told her rightfully she had no business feeling that way. Not when it was her who had caused all this.

“I know. I’m really sorry, Tara,” she said calmly, squeezing her leg again, wanting to reach out and pull her against her chest. She had thought that she herself had been the monster that Tara had needed protecting from when she left. But Tara didn't need excuses right now, so she didn't say that. Tara sniffled and looked back at the skyline.

“It's fine. You thought she hated you. You thought she wouldn't care if you left. But she did.”

She doubted that Christina had really cared. Leaving might have affected her, but she doubted it had somehow been because she had secretly loved Sam. 

Instead of voicing her thoughts, Sam asked her, “Tara, is this the first time it's been this bad?”

Tara was silent for a moment and then nodded. “I’d get hammered with Amber, and then we’d have sex, and we’d stay the night and feel gross in the morning, but I never regretted it, not the drinking or the drunk sex. I regret this all the time.” She kicked lightly in the direction of the bottle. “Drinking alone is just sad.”

“T, you’re not alone.” She could see the dissent in Tara’s eyes. “I’m right here.”

“I don’t know how to stop myself coming up here, Sam.” Her answer felt heavy. Her voice was thick.

Sam knew only too well. “It's not easy. But you need to find something else. It can be anything. It just needs to be something strong enough to keep you occupied elsewhere. Just, when you feel like this, come to me instead. Yeah?” she prompted gently, trying to see if anything she had said was getting through to her.

“What’s your ‘something else’?” Tara asked as she glanced up, the city’s lights looking oddly like stars as they reflected in the tears in her eyes. 

You. 

“Work,” Sam shrugged. “Keeps me busy, distracted.” Tara at least seemed to consider her words.

“I’ll try to find something, I promise,” she mumbled quietly, though obviously, she hadn’t found anything on the spot yet. It was sad to think there was nothing stronger than the whiskey in Tara’s life at this moment, but Sam couldn’t claim she didn’t know the feeling. Something sad flickered over Tara’s sullen face. “I would just like to stop getting stabbed by people I love,” she grumbled and kicked her foot at the ground, only narrowly missing the bottle that all the stabbing had led to. 

Love?

Despite the more pressing topics of the conversation, Sam stumbled over the word and rounded on her with a confused frown marring her brow. “You didn't … with Ethan …?”

Looking up with a blank expression, Tara took a second to get what she had leapt to. “What? No, of course not!” Tara stopped her when she realised what she meant and shook her head. Sam felt awkward for assuming, and for interrupting the much more relevant parts of the talk.

“Okay, good … Not that I’d jud–”

“I did consider it with Quinn though,” Tara cut her off casually.

“Quinn?” Sam repeated, stumbling again, bewildered. 

Tara looked affronted. “You thought about it too! Don't deny it!”

Sam conceded with a small shrug. She had at least considered it. Once. Or twice. 

They fell silent for a while. 

“Tara, why do you come up here to the roof?” Sam interrupted the night’s peace with caution. “You never considered …” she trailed off, leaving the rest unspoken as she glanced out over the corner of the rooftop before looking back at her younger sister. 

Tara looked at her and then clicked her tongue. “No. No, of course not,” she rebuffed her claim, but she had waited too long. Sam eyed her uneasily.

“Okay. Okay,” she pretended to believe her. 

“I just come up here so you don't see.”

“You would tell me if …” she went on.

There was another pause in Tara's speech before she answered listlessly, “Sure. I’ll tell you.” Sam tried not to read into the difference between “will” and “would” too much. She knew Tara wouldn't stick to her word. She knew she herself would also not tell anyone if it ever got that bad. But pushing her now wouldn’t change that, she thought.

Instead, she opened her arms and gestured at Tara.

“Come here.”

Tara took a second to regard her before scooting over and turning around to lean her back against Sam’s chest. Putting her arms around her sister and pulling her tight against herself, Sam pressed her cheek against her hair. “You know, I love you so much.”

Tara sat silent for a long moment, absently running her fingers over Sam’s forearm. “Love you too, Sam.”

She almost couldn’t remember how long it had been since she had last held her sister like this, and Sam just enjoyed it without reservation for a little while, letting her eyes close as she listened to their breathing and the city’s sounds far below, her sister’s heartbeat held safely against her chest, guarded by her arms.

“I’m throwing the whiskey out even if it cost a fuck ton of money,” she murmured against Tara’s shoulder.

“Yeah, sorry about that.” Tara flinched apologetically. “I didn’t even drink that much tonight.”

“Just let it be the last time,” Sam continued in the same murmur.

“Mhm,” Tara hummed an uncertain and unconvincing affirmative.

Sam hoped it would just be one of the last times, at least.

[atcarpenter]

A fun little ghost animation

[atcarpenter]

I absolutely love how you expanded on the idea and I agree, Sam and Amber would bicker a lot but it's their own weird way of showing affection for each other

And I absolutely love the idea of Tara cuddling between her girlfriend and sister, being as happy as she could be. She'd almost certainly fall asleep after the second or third film and Amber and Sam wouldn't move because they don't want to wake her and they love watching her sleep

Sam is especially happy that she has a chance to make up for being away from previous birthdays. Tara's past birthdays were always either barely acknowledged or just forgotten by Christina so Amber and the gang took it on themselves to give her really good days

They always put in an effort and Tara really appreciated them for it but it was always hard not having Sam around

Amber would be great with desserts and Tara would be really good at making full meals and the two love trying out new recipes and pairing unusual dinner and dessert combos. It's really great to have them around because Chad and Mindy are hopeless at cooking and Sam can do some basic stuff but not much else

Enid would definitely go all out for Wednesday's birthday and recruit everyone else for the cause as well. They all help because they want to show affection for Wednesday too and partly because Enid kind of scares them when she's really focused and they don't want to get on her bad side

Yoko would be her main assistant since she has the most experience with birthdays, having celebrated literally hundreds of them.

Tara deserves all the cuddling and the happiness. I love it when she's happy, and so do Sam and Amber. And yes, they do love to watch her sleep!! They forget to pay attention to the movie because Tara's more interesting. I like to think they actually do this a lot and that Tara has a tendency to nap a lot, so they get plenty of chances to do so. Especially Amber stays up at night sometimes until she physically can't keep awake anymore to watch Tara while she sleeps, and if Tara does wake up and notices, Amber insists that she's being very weird and creepy, for image reasons, but Tara just thinks it's endearing

For Tara, birthdays have just never been complete without Sam. It just felt like there's something missing. She would have stopped caring about her own birthdays altogether if it hadn't been for her friends. Each year, she dreaded her birthday and didn't want to celebrate, but her friends always came through. And somewhere else in California on her birthday, Sam would be thinking of her and do a little something, even if it's just lighting a candle.

Sam is really grateful that she gets a chance to be here for her birthday now and for all her future birthdays. She doesn't mention just how sappy she sometimes got during the ones they spent apart

I love the thought that tamber are the chefs of the group, and yeah the twins are hopeless 😭 they're usually on the same page with Tara in her gremlin phases of loving snacks and junk food, only Chad needs to pay attention to his diet because he does sports. So he's really grateful when they eat something proper together. Sam is just very utilitarian. Sometimes they all cook together, and Amber gets bossy.

Enid gets overexcited two months in advance and starts planning for Wednesday's birthday. She does manage to get everyone to pitch in on something and be there. But I think they'd still spend most of the day as just the two of them because Wednesday prefers it that way, but she does really learn to appreciate that they're all there and making an effort (even if Enid had to growl at some of them to do so)

I think that maybe Yoko also has a pretty decent understanding of Wednesdays needs and wants and is able to rein in some of Enid's enthusiasm when she gets too carried away with planning.

[atcarpenter]

Season 2

[atcarpenter]

In light of it being Jenna Ortega’s birthday, I was wondering how you imagine Sam and Amber celebrating Tara’s birthday

I like to think Sam would definitely want to go bug to make up for missing the last few and would work with Amber on it

They’d make a cake together as Amber is secretly really good at baking, arrange a marathon of some of her favourite movies at one of her favourite cinemas in New York, take her out to lunch and dinner and end the night with a few drinks

She’d also send Wednesday a birthday video and Wednesday would send one back as they have the same birthday

That's so sweet, I definitely agree!!

They both want to make it perfect and show Tara how much she means to them, so they pull out all the stops and work together on it, sinking a lot of time into the preparations, sometimes being bad at trying not to be caught. But also, they bicker all the time over the tiniest details, which they both secretly enjoy. Maybe it's their own secret love language, idk

And I think it would go pretty much exactly how you said. It has about everything she needs for a perfect birthday. It would include new movies and some old favourites of theirs. So, Ready or Not would definitely be in there as well. She'd spend the entire day and all of the movies practically wedged between them and being showered in physical affection with Sam having her arm around her shoulders constantly and Amber never letting go of her hand and stealing kisses, because they all know Tara loves physical affection. As gifts they might get her a few blu-rays, maybe a little bit or merch and/or a plushie that may just be cute or cute and horrifying, like a small jackalope or a small horror movie villain or something like that. And I think it would also include a lot of alone time with Amber at the end of the night.

On the baking thing, I can see Amber being the type of person to start baking on a whim at three am because she feels like it, and she loves making Tara happy, who happens to love sweet foods and baked goods, so they match.

Tara sends what is like a very normal and chaotic birthday video with everyone saying "hi" and "happy birthday" to Weds in the background, and Wednesday sends one back that just starts with a very dry "happy birthday" that is then hijacked by Enid with a groan who gives her a more emphatic happy birthday. And then she swerves the camera around to show them what she and Weds have been doing all day for her birthday. They've been picking up Kinbott's hobby and been spending the day on taxidermy. They have made a little family sitting around a tiny black and pink birthday cake. Enid keeps putting her own colourful accessories on all of the animals

[atcarpenter]

She gets the zoomies, basically. And it can be very energising for everyone else too if it doesn't drag on for too long, at which point what you said happens. They take turns and try to power her out

And then there'll be other days when she spends most of her time in bed on her phone, possibly reading and writing fanfiction, or on her laptop watching series and movies. This can also get disconcerting, but at least there's cuddles for everyone else and fanfiction for Amber and maybe Mindy to read

What are your headcanons for Sam and Tara?

I don't even necessarily mean big stuff

It can be little things that are never mentioned but just feel right for them

[atcarpenter]

Neither of them are morning people, but Sam is more adaptable in that regard.

Tara has the most unpredictable routine. Is she girlrotting in her room for two weeks? Dragging everyone on hikes or to the movies or museums every day? Has she slept two or fourteen hours last night? No one knows.

Sam has almost never touched a video game in her life. Tara loves Nintendo games and things like Until Dawn, which she annoys Sam with because it has a character with the same name as Sam that also happens to look like Sam's girlfriend.

Sam used to have a lot of plushies and toys as a kid, but only few of them survived into her adulthood, and Christina threw most of the rest out after she left. Tara saved a little dog plushy for herself from Christina's tidying up.

Sam has known that she is bi since pretty much her birth.

If she could, Tara would live off of popcorn and instant food. And she frequently steals food off of Sam's plate when they're eating out somewhere.

Sam secretly wants kids, but doesn't want to pass on what she thinks is wrong with her, so if she's asked, she'll deny it. This applies to both things inherited from Billy and Christina as well as wholly original troubles.

What are your headcanons for Sam and Tara?

I don't even necessarily mean big stuff

It can be little things that are never mentioned but just feel right for them

[atcarpenter]

The struggle is real

[atcarpenter]

[atcarpenter]

Scream 6| 4 Core as tweets🖤

[atcarpenter]

Worst thing ever is when you enjoy a relationship between two characters in the same way that one might enjoy watching a horror movie but everyone else in the fanbase enjoys it in the way where they’re making cutesy ship art and posts about how perfect they are for each other and how they’d better be ‘endgame’

[atcarpenter]

everyone needs that one friend they can say just absolutely deranged horny shit too. this is like crucial for your sanity

[atcarpenter]

playing erdtree with my pal we get invaded by someone named "Drip Inspector" and im like "waitwaitwait. ok lets just pose leaning back to back and wait for them to show up maybe our outfits will be so good they wont kill us"

so we wait until they show up and then they get reaaaal close to us . and then pull out their telescope and start circling around us and zooming in for a good 30 seconds. then they clap, use the "wonderful" and "youre beautiful" prattling pates, and jump off a cliff. invader vanquished

[atcarpenter]

WELCOME BACK WENCLAIR

[atcarpenter]

Preach I guess

[atcarpenter]

obviously its canon amber is a reddit user (derogatory) but i looove the headcanon that tara is a tumblr user (also derogatory)

i cant tell if i prefer her more as a really pretentious film blogger who posts long ass reviews noone reads and reblogs gifsets, or just having her as a regular degular user who is just so dry in the tags people cant tell when shes joking and she keeps getting into fights with other users on their lack of media literacy

i feel like they both made accounts on the others respective sites out of a sense of obligation but tara keeps getting her reddit posts taken down for not meeting guildlines and shes soooo pissy about it and ambers accounts keep getting banned because shes constantly posting innappropriate content/death threats

like, in the end they both end up abandoning their accounts because its too much hassle, but hey at least they tried right??

[atcarpenter]

Why do you hesitate?

Sam has a talk with Tara, who is coping super well with it being the anniversary of being stabbed by her girlfriend.

very conflicted grief, hurt/comfort

///

Tara had been looking sullen for weeks. It had been pretty much exactly a year since everything happened. They were all feeling it, but it was clear Tara was taking it the worst out of all of them. It was not hard to understand for Sam why it hit her the hardest. She watched her younger sister move around the apartment, feeling oddly invasive and pushing away the likening of herself to a predator staring at its prey that her thoughts were forcing on her, but she needed to talk to her about it. It couldn’t go on like this.

As Tara walked past her through the living room, she barely acknowledged her, barely met her eyes. Sam’s brows furrowed as they had so many times these past few weeks when watching her sister get worse and worse. As she stepped closer, Tara looked up.

“Tara, do you want to talk about Amber?” she asked carefully. Tara immediately dodged her eyes, turning away slightly as if looking for something else to busy herself with other than this conversation. 

“Why would I want to talk about Amber?” she retorted, sounding almost convincingly disinterested. 

Sam mustered her profile in concern, hoping Tara would just finally meet her eyes. It was hard to gauge what she really felt, but it was easy to see that her unbothered-act was just fake. 

“Tara, it's been a year, almost to the day.”

She shrugged dismissively. “So?”

Sam rounded her to make her meet her eyes, ducking her head to do so. “So?” she echoed in a much softer tone. “You loved her, and she hurt you.”

“So?” Tara reiterated once more. “He also hurt you. You should be upset just as much as I am, but you're not.” Tara glared up at her. “Stop telling me what I’m feeling,” she hissed in annoyance. 

Sam sighed patiently, pushing her own memories that were bubbling up aside. “I am upset. Of course I am. But I knew him for six months, and we were not that serious. Tar, you were together with Amber for years. You knew each other since you were kids. You were so much closer than we were. Of course you're more upset.”

Her lips pressing into a thin line, Tara looked like she might retort something. In the end, she sighed. “We were inseparable.” Her shoulders sagged as she dropped her wall for a moment. “I thought I knew her inside out. I thought I knew her better than myself.” Sam felt glad that she had gotten through to her and Tara was actually volunteering her own perspective for once since she had been hurt. 

“I know,” she cooed and pushed a stray strand of hair back behind Tara's ear. Tara swallowed painfully, feeling her throat constricting with the old familiar ache of which she thought each time that it felt like a noose.

“Sam, I loved her. I really loved her. I thought we were it,” she cried as she suddenly cracked up, her shoulders starting to shake. “I thought she loved me too.”

Sam pulled her into a hug without hesitation, wrapping herself around her as if to physically ward her from the pain oozing through the widening cracks in her facade. “Tara,” she murmured as she put her face into her sister's hair and cradled her against her chest. “I know you loved her. Of course you did.”

“She tried to kill me, and she enjoyed it!” she cried against Sam’s chest, her voice almost rising to a shout. Her fingers dug almost painfully into Sam’s skin as she clung to the back of her sweater. “It was a lie! Our entire fucking relationship! She just played the part of my caring girlfriend to kill me in the end!”

Tara’s shoulders trembled in Sam’s arms, and her chest heaved in an attempt not to sob. Sam pulled back just slightly and tilted her younger sister's chin up with her finger just slightly. “Tara, listen to me. It's okay to still love her,” she said, noting the tear tracks forming on her sister’s face.

“I don't,” Tara bit back.

“Yes, you do. You’ve been staring at a picture of her all week.” Tara looked aside, feeling caught, before Sam pulled her attention back by tugging her chin up again to look at her. “I might not get what you're feeling, but you're not wrong for feeling whatever it is you feel. It's okay to still love her.”

Tara looked several different kinds of upset for a moment before she spoke again. 

“I don’t know if I still love her. I don't think I do, but Sam, I don't want to be feeling these things I’m feeling,” she complained under her breath with a small whine. “I liked the lie. I really liked it. She was my world, for so long, and then she did this,” she said, her voice cracking again, “and I don't understand why. How could she lie so convincingly? Was any of it real? How could she …?” she trailed off, biting down painfully on her lip to choke back a sob. 

“How could she hurt you like this?” Sam completed the sentence less violently than Tara would have. “You can't kill yourself with these questions, T. I couldn't tell you what she was thinking even if I wanted to. She’s dead. She can't tell you anymore what was going on in her head. More importantly, she can't hurt you anymore. Was any of it real? Maybe. Maybe not. You're not wrong for liking the parts you did or wondering if she ever loved you back – but you can't lose yourself in these thoughts. It's not healthy.”

Tara nodded, still looking a little reluctant, and stayed silent as she mulled her words over. 

“You’ve thought about this more than I have,” Tara mumbled, though that was probably not true. 

“Of course I’ve thought about it. It's weighing on you.” Sam’s expression turned from gentle to an almost wounded-looking concern. “Tara? Promise me you'll stop staying up until three a.m. looking at a picture of the girl who stabbed you and overthinking these things.”

Tara winced and mumbled, “How do you know it’s until three a.m.?”

Sam sighed. “You are not the only one unable to sleep these days.”

Tara chewed on her lip for a moment, her grip on Sam’s sweater tightening before she said, “Fine,” relenting. “I’ll stop staring at her.”

“And come to me when you need it?” Tara nodded again, still looking conflicted. “There’s my girl,” Sam said proudly regardless because even if it was reluctant, it was progress. She pulled her tighter again, tugging Tara’s head against her chest and resting her face in her hair. For a moment, they stayed just like this.

After a while, Tara mumbled, “Will I ever feel normal again?” against her chest, the sound of her voice muffled by Sam’s sweater.

Sam did not say anything for a long time as she considered her words, shifting to rest her chin on Tara’s head as she thought, her fingers scratching gently against the back of Tara’s head. In the end, she did her the discourtesy of being honest, “I don’t know. But maybe we can be okay without feeling normal.” She rubbed one of her hands over her back. “Just lean on me.”

Tara found herself reluctantly nodding again and mumbled, “Sammy?”

“Hm?”

“I’m sorry,” she murmured.

“What for?” She looked down at her in confusion, pulling back a little so she could see her.

“Not being okay.” Tara shrugged. Sam sighed, feeling the pressure building in her chest that she felt when Tara was trying not to burden her.

“It’s okay to not be okay. Just please stop drowning alone. I want to help you so bad. Please, let me. Please stop pushing me away,” she pleaded.

Tara held her a little tighter. “I’ll try. I promise I’ll try,” she vowed firmly, though she knew it would not be easy for her, and Sam knew it too, but Sam still just leaned down and kissed her temple.

“That’s all I ask.”