#dunno how I feel about this one tbh
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Or: the childhood friends au:
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Roier doesn’t remember a lot of his childhood, but he remembers enough to know that he was a bit of a little shit. He was a problem child. He probably has the outline of a shoe tattooed onto his back after all the shit he got up to as a kid.
(R-01 gets one hour of supervised outdoor time every day to keep him from getting sick. He sits beneath the big oak tree in the facility’s enclosed garden, and he lets his fingers twist in the grass beneath him.
[The grass isn’t real, but he doesn’t know this yet.]
He sticks his tongue out to catch the sunlight, all of seven years old and unsure as to what sunlight tastes like.
Abuelo stands by him complaining, but all R-01 hears is static.
And then there’s a rough hand yanking him to his feet and dragging him back into the facility. Apparently, according to Abuelo, someone has managed to sneak into the facility.)
But it’s fine, really. Roier doesn’t need to remember his past to know who he is, and he knows who he is. He’s Roier! He likes tacos and kissing men.
In his sleep, Cellbit rolls onto his side and latches a clingy arm over Roier’s waist. He snuggles close, face burying itself in Roier’s shoulder with a pleased little ‘Mrrp!’ noise. His tail brushes against Roier’s thigh just once before settling down.
Roier smiles into the night. There are dark circles under his eyes and a sick feeling in his stomach and a gnawing something in the back of his mind.
He can’t sleep. Which is kinda funny, really, considering he’s usually the one asleep clinging to his overworking husband.
(R-01 stays in his cell for days listening for the jingle of Abuelo’s keys, but all he hears is the familiar screaming of the duck in the room next door. Must be her feathers again.
With a sigh, R-01 paces to the other side of his cell. She’s loud!
That’s when he hears it: a soft sobbing from the cell next to Roier’s. Not the duck, she’s loud. This is quiet, and there isn’t any quacking.
R-01 gasps. Someone new!
“Hola?” he dares whisper, not too loud ‘cause he doesn’t want to get in trouble, but he doesn’t like crying. It’s illegal. Abuelo doesn’t like it.
The crying stops. Then something taps at the wall right next to Roier’s ear. Another tap, and another, and it’s code, right? It has to be!
R-01 isn’t very smart, Abuelo tells him this every time they do their lessons, but he’s got this! If it’ll keep his new neighbor from crying and getting in trouble, he’ll solve this… this enigma!)
Richarlyson is with Bad again, and Pepito is staying with Quackity again, and Cellbit is asleep. So it’s just Roier and his thoughts and the distinct lack thereof that he’s trying to find somewhere in the mess that is his silly goofy little brain.
“You’re thinking,” Cellbit suddenly grumbles, jolting Roier from his thoughts (and the distinct lack thereof.) His voice is thick with sleep. Adorable. “Stop thinking. That’s my job.”
“What? You? Thinking? No way.”
Roier shifts in bed until he’s on his side facing Cellbit. Cellbit moves with him, pulling him fully into his arms and melting as Roier’s fingers find their ways to the hair at the base of his ears.
“Go back to sleep, gatinho,” Roier says.
Cellbit purrs at him in mild disagreement.
“What’s wrong?” Cellbit asks. He’s only halfway awake, but at least he cares.
(R-01 slowly manages to figure it out. He uses his mandatory arts and crafts time with Abuelo practicing his alphabet with colorful finger paints that make Abuelo sneer in disgust every time R-01 uses them on his own face.
His neighbor is talking to him, and it’s a secret. R-01 is basically a spy!
Every tap is a letter, he thinks. So two taps means “B”! Easy.
So, while Abuelo is busy with the duck, R-01 sneaks to the other wall and taps out a “Hola!”
The response is immediate and a bit too fast for him to be able to get, but he hears seven taps and then one tap and that’s “G” and “A” and there’s gotta be more, right? What words start with that?
Hesitantly, R-01 taps out: “MEOW”.
The duck screams. The neighbor laughs. The guards outside start shouting and banging and shooting. Footsteps come down the hallway, and then they say, “No.”
And then it’s quiet.)
“Nothing,” Roier lies. But, well, it’s only sorta a lie, right? Nothing illegal. Marriage-illegal.
“Okay,” Cellbit simply says, and then it’s quiet.
He purrs, rusty from exhaustion.
Roier pets him idly, eyes shut tight.
“It’s just…” he slowly says, “Bagi isn’t a cat hybrid, is she?”
Cellbit’s purring stops.
(R-01 wakes up on the table this time. He screams as the bear’s scalpel cuts into the skin beneath his eye, squirming in his restraints.
“No,” the bear simply says.
It’s the mean one, the one with the knife. R-01 doesn’t like this one; it’s the one he heard outside of the cat’s room. And he hasn’t heard from the cat since.)
Roier doesn’t remember much of his childhood, but at least he remembers having a childhood. Cellbit doesn’t have that luxury. It’s kind of his whole thing at the moment, working through his assloads of trauma one tiny little baby step at a time.
All Roier knows, and all that Cellbit knows, is that Cellbit crashed onto the island with cat ears and a tail, and that Bagi is totally and entirely human.
“But maybe you just got the furry genes,” Roier suggests.
He feigns a yawn and scratches the spot between Cellbit’s ears he knows makes Cellbit turn to goo, and goo does Cellbit become.
“Guapito…” Cellbit sighs.
Roier cuts him off with a ‘Shhh.’
“In the morning,” he promises. “I promise.”
“Mmmm,” Cellbit agrees, as smart and as well-spoken as ever. “‘Kay.”
Roier smiles, more genuine, and he kisses Cellbit once before at least trying to relax. It’s fine, right?
(R-01 gets one hour of supervised outdoor time every day to keep him from getting sick.
He waits until Abuelo isn’t paying attention to stretch his hand up towards the sun.
The duck is gone. They’re still looking for her. And R-01 is still looking for the cat.
The garden is surrounded by four walls, but there’s no ceiling. Just the open air, because ducks can’t fly. No risk of escape.
But spiders can climb.
Squeezing one eye shut and sticking his tongue out in concentration, R-01 points his fingers at the top of the nearest wall like how he thinks a superhero would. Because he is a superhero now!
The web comes out as painfully as ever, but all R-01 cares about is the wind against his skin as he’s pulled out of the garden and to freedom.
Abuelo is angry and shouting down below, but who cares? R-01 is a superhero now! They made him one, and he’s got a kitty to save somewhere!)
[Cellbit’s parents used to chastise him and his sister, telling him, “Curiosity killed the cat!” But Bagi had always argued that, well, so what? They aren’t cats! They’re people!
But then the bear said the same thing as it stuck the IV in Cellbit’s arm. And Cellbit thought of the dead little girl with rabbit ears he found in the woods, and the dead little boy with the bird wings, and, at the ripe old age of eleven years old, he cried as he realized how big of a mistake he had made.]
#a.d.'s fics i suppose#a.d.'s fics i suppose.#dunno how I feel about this one tbh#I just wanted the idea down yk?
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I reject the basic assumptions of civilization, especially the importance of material possessions!! :3
#Dunno how I feel about this one tbh#i drew this based off a drawing in my sketchbook and i feel like the style doesnt transfer over very well#but alas we cringe on#fight club#fight club fanart#soapshipping#tyler durden#the narrator#my art#digital art#digital painting
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You mentioned you romanced Lucanis, how do you feel about Neve x Lucanis getting together if you don't romance either of them?
It's fine, I guess.
I romanced Davrin on my first playthrough, and I'll be honest, Neve and Lucanis getting together came out of no where for me. After the scene played, I realized that I rarely had them together in my party, and if I had, it'd probably make more sense. Or have more chemistry.
I left that scene like, "...What just happened? Oh well, good for them, I guess, have fun!"
I had Neve in my party a lot [Davrin and Neve were my go-to duo], and Lucanis was unfortunately benched until it was time to do his quests... which is really ironic, like if you had asked me who my least favorite companion was at the end of that first playthrough, it would've been Lucanis.
It doesn't help that I saved Minrathous, so I missed out on some of his personal quests, too.
I didn't dislike him or anything... though learning about Spite did have me throw him off the table of potential love interests because that Anders Romance Trauma [affectionate] kicked in and I said, "noooooo, I'm not doing that again, you cannot make meeee-"
Which, again.... ironic. Because he crawled his way back onto the table and made me feel things. It healed some parts of me. But also did more damage. It's complicated, like being an andersmancer makes it a whole other discussion for another day.
I will say, I saw a lot of talk about Neve and Lucanis prior to doing his romance which made me wonder if it was another Isabela and Fenris "Isabela bad because she USES Fenris if you don't romance him" situation where players are weirdly jealous and take it out on the female character... which uh oh.
Yeah, I can honestly say I never felt "threatened" by Neve while pursuing Lucanis. I brought them out and about several times, waited to see if they'd flirt or anything, or give me a reason to feel that he liked her more than my Rook, and like... It's not just a Neve and Lucanis thing.
It's more to do with Rook feeling like an outsider within the group who isn't allowed to interact with their companions until the game tells them to. Walking around the lighthouse feels really lonely sometimes because you're just approaching your friends, listening to their conversations, and then they look at you like "....can we help you?" and you just... walk away. Also the visual during team meetings where everyone is sitting together with Rook on the other side by themselves with only Assan sitting at their feet...
...again, topic for another day.
Anyway, aside from that? No, I never felt like they crossed a line for me that would make feel like they liked each other better than Rook. If there is banter that does, then I didn't get it.
There was this really sweet banter after I locked his romance in though, the one where Neve commented on Lucanis smiling more and making sure he recognizes that he's happy with Rook. That only endeared me to Neve more than I already was, I adore her.
But if I'm not romancing either of them? Let them have their fun, y'know?
#dav#veilguard#dragon age veilguard#neve gallus#lucanis dellamorte#neve x lucanis#also tbh while i say let them have their fun they're not a couple i would've put together like...... rana was right there#i was so sure the first time around that neve and rana were going to be a thing if i didn't romance her but okay i guess not#and i dunno..... lucanis and davrin am i right#also i could write about how alone rook feels through out veilguard and how often the narrative doesn't treat them like a person#but as a hero in one of varric's stories and how that parallels the inquisitor and solas like people view you as a figure not a person#the hof and hawke have this too like its something that makes me deeply sad in a good and bad way#i think rook's execution of this is the weakest but its still there and i like it but gaaahhhh not the time. topic for another day#don't mind me i've just been sick for a few weeks and finally have the energy to write more stuff about veilguard
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even if it bothers my autism of the brain I can accept transmasc Jesse as a personal headcanon people will have but I will always think a bit less of someone's opinions on Breaking Bad if they decide to bring it up in an otherwise direct textual analysis of the show as if it has the same weight as that analysis and is not a headcanon that has just as many conflicts with the story as it has support
and ofc transfem egg Jesse, the trans analysis of Jesse that doesn't have those conflicts, is rarely mentioned in these situations
#meat.txt#jesse pinkman#breaking bad#idk the combination of said autism of the brain#and how queer fandom treats transmasc vs transfem headcanons#means I'll always pry be a bitch abt this and I will keep making posts about this#unless one of those things changes#and tbh i feel like because of how shitty transfem hcs are treated if this makes u upset then#I dunno maybe you should suck it up?#I can make her question her gender
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Drew Kale in my sketchbook and decided to draw him digitally
#myart#Hi-fi Rush#Hi-fi Rush Kale#Kale Vandelay#Tbh I've been struggling to draw lately#But I was able to complete this Kale drawing which I'm quite proud of#It's kinda crazy thinking about how I first drew him and this drawing#I feel like I'm hella inconsistent in drawing him XD#There are changes and improvements :) me thinks#I'd like to imagine he made this face towards Chai#Dunno what Chai did or said but it did aroused Kale in some way#Enough of my blabbering#I hope yall have like this one and have a good one <3
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Man, I know no one really talks about Ken's SL for obvious reasons, but I forgot what a gut-punch his rank 1 is. Like... this is just a kid. The way he's wolfing down food implies he probably hasn't been eating well, and if that isn't sad enough, he hits us with this shit.
This is RANK 1. It's such a little thing, but at the same time... it's such a genuine regret. It's been two years, and the older he gets, the more he's understanding how much she did for him and what he lost.
#Going through P3P with a friend to prepare for Reload and tbh I only mostly remember Shinji's SL oops so this is fun revisiting#I dunno man! I love my Justice kids and i feel so awful that Ken was handled that way in FeMC route.#We decidedly ignore that path and stick with the big sister vibes here.#It also kills me because this being Rank 1 implies that he was always kinda ready to talk about his mom and his feelings about it#but he never really had the chance to be one-on-one with someone with it. i dunno but it's just so different than how he is at the dorm.#obviously Main Character has that effect on everyone but still.
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made the mistake of reading through the political discussions on my big family groupchat that I usually keep muted. you must never do such a thing.
#like i knew that a lot of them are conservatives or republicans or whatever but man. even the ones who lean left are still well. mormon.#ive been really back and forth on whether or not i should come out to them but tbh. i have started to lean more toward Not.#when i came out as a nonbinary lesbian they all collectively smiled and nodded and then swept it under the rug never to be seen again#and i let them do it bc i was too afraid to try and stand up for myself. and i was conditioned not to also.#but me being trans is a lot harder to ignore. both bc im fucking tired of being treated like a rug and bc i hope to get a legal name change#and surgery and all that good shit.#but i really dont know how to go about doing all that without having to come out Somehow.#i guess i could always just. cut contact or something. but idk im reluctant to do that bc i still rely on my dad for money/insurance/etc#i dunno.#i wouldnt want to cut off my siblings but i dont know if i want to come out to them either.#idk.#im just fucking scared man. like i knew that for the most part my familys politics suck donkey nuts#but it was just really insane reading thru the chat bc even the ones who i had always thought were Safer are. well. not.#theres only 2 people in my family i fully trust and would actually love to come out to and one of them is my gay uncle (<3)#and the other is my aunt who is the ONLY. other person in my ENTIRE extended family. who has left the church.#i barely see her too bc for obvious reasons she dont hang around much. lmao#but idk. im rambling and melancholic its 1130 pm#my problem here is that there are members of my family i do want to come out to#but thatll very quickly lead to Everyone knowing. and i know im not ready for that.#hrhrggh.#maybe ill come out to my brother next time we talk. as a sort of test run.#im already a lot braver than i used to be and hopefully maybe someday ill be brave enough to come out#and then immediately fuck off into the sunset with my friends <3#sigh.#if im still wanting to come out to my brother by tomorrow when im of sound mind then i think i will.#we'll see how i feel after i sleep. lmao.#winter speaks#personal#we're entering Introspective Hours here at scattered winter dot com
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...
#that's 2 of 3 partys in my moms honor down. this one was our childhood neighbor friends#which it was really good to see them but it was really just a party. no one really talked about her at all. the subject was avoided#i think bc ppl r awkward abt it. like im fine to talk abt it. it happened. i dont see a point in avoiding it#but im also not the most socially adept. which i did pretty good talking to ppl but i was still the most awkward one there#and idk this experience has really taught me that u should have a lot of friends and a spouse bc i dont kno how a person like me could go#thru what my mom did and survive if i didnt have my dad. so i guess i have to con someone into marrying me#id b difficult to marry. im difficult to b friends with. im too avoidant of any people#im gonna die like that lady from 6 feet under with no friends. like a fridge fell on her or something. idk#but i cant die bc my dad cant go thru this again. i dunno. well see what life throws at me#also. my childhood friends r a lot of real smart ppl. like a lot of engineers and medical doctors#they make me feel so dumb. but alas. im but a humble environmental Science person#ay. i dunno. it was fun but im drained#and my cousings boyfriend is still a fucking freak who harasses animals. he really upset one of our dogs#my sister says she can imagine him murdering someone and tbh so could i. so i hope my cousins safe#unrelated
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when people complain about getting like, a 98% grade on something because it was "so close to perfect" its like. i understand what you're saying on a technical level. but that is a line of thought so far away from my experiences and ways of thinking that i do feel like im from another planet. 100% isnt even a real number to me
#i kinda understand when its something like a multiple choice test or something where there is an objective answer#it might feel like u got so close but just missed one#again still a bit alien to me because my scholarly performance is mysterious and anything over 70 is great to me#but i mean ive had a 98 before once in a math test. i did get exactly 1 bit of 1 question wrong#but i didnt really care that it was one off from perfect i was too busy being happy because that was the highest mark id ever received#and the previous math test i had taken got a 53% . grade 11 was a wild time for me in math class GHJKSHFKds#anyway i kinda see where ur coming from with stuff with right or wrong answers like that#but i sometimes get friends in class complain that they got a 95 or something on an art assignment#because they think they got docked 5 points for one or two little things#but i dunno. thats not really how fine arts departments in university tend to grade things#you dont start at 100 and get docked marks for things you got wrong. i dont think ive ever seen a 100% on something like that#tbh the numbers are a little arbitrary i find. i do prefer to try to get em higher because that helps with grants and stuff#but the numbers dont mean all that much in fine arts or in art history (my two majors) a 75 and a 95 can function the same depending on lik#weighting and context and feedback and whatever. i dunno its a wild world out there#it might just be the perspective of someone who did really goodbad in school. (GoodBad (tm) its when ur good but also kinda bad at school!)#compared to someone who got a lot of perfects in mandatory schooling. i sympathise i really do that kind of pressure sounds insane#but while i sympathize i cant really empathize as much unfortunately with this specifically orz its a world very far outside my purview!#100%s arent real to me so they never cross my mind to be worried about LOL
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-.-
#i am reading some stuff in the agatha tags#i know not a great idea#i just thought since I've been enjoying the meta posts atleast some of them I'll just keep a lookout for it#but as usual#the bs comes through#i have not seen one person who is mad coz agathario not been the focus#so either I've blocked all the idiots#or more likely people are preemptively policing others#which i guese is bound to happen but boy does it annoy me#i really don't care about them being endgame or getting happy ending or whatever#i felt the fandom as a whole also understands that and are just enjoying the ride#it's still mcu#we can be cautiously optimistic but especially with a story like agatha's#and her and rio's relationship being actually labelled as romantic antagonists#i fail to see how people even think that it's going to end as them getting some sappy happyily ever after or something like that#seriously do people really think that's in the cards#or it's just some wishful fanon thinking#i just want to enjoy the show as a show with all these interesting women characters#maybe i am alone in it but from what I've seen atleast on tumblr it feels the same for most of us here#i dunno what happens on other social media sites and i also actually don't care#it's always been like that especially wlw queer ships so yeah it kinda irritates me#i think i need to filter better and try focusing on the artsy stuff#anyways i am wondering if they will release teaser for next epi or not#I'll prefer to go without knowing anything tbh it is kind of exciting to experience it fresh without any spoilers#lets see#in the meantime i am rewatching the show and getting evermore obsessed with agatha and to some extent rio ha ha!#i am posting too much u can tell i am very invested now ...anybody want to pull me out? no? okayyy..down the road I go...!#i am so gay dude...fml#tag ramblings#for ts
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so i opted against adding sexualities to my blog bc generally all my muses are bi bc i've never liked locking shipping options (i swear i'm normal) (unless a character is canonically gay then it's a whole other story but i don't think i write any canon gays just canon bis)
but now with Certain Characters i'm like. i should shouldn't i
#( scene missing ) ⸻ ooc.#look i promise you this isn't just about one character#in fact it was a different character to who you're all probably thinking of that made me think about it#but it's just gonna be a wall of 'bi' with like three 'gay' and one 'het' and it feels a little off to me?#i dunno. i can't think how to do it tbh without it being a big arrow on Straightie#back to the writing mines i go
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so a lil heads up!! that i will probably be very scarce/quiet until monday! despite my efforts to juggle everything, this weekend is just busy and it's got me pretty tired. thank you for being patient with me and pls have a very lovely pre-halloween weekend!!
#on a side note i devoured the second book in the shadow and bone trilogy and it's got me YELLING!!!!#kinda sorta wanna add nikolai but in classic bel fashion i feel the need to read everything involving him before i ever do that#and i found out this guy's got a duology?? haha : ) i'm about to run through ruin and rising so quickly#the guy is just my kinda character -- someone who changes their personality for each situation and hides their true thoughts??#sounds familiar :' ))#i also wanna make an oc but i dunno!! tbh as much as i love the series i wouldn't know how to even enter that fandom#bc no way am i making a whole other blog when i know i can barely manage one asdfg#and my attempts to enter a non anime/manga fandom didn't go very well this last time with my multi#don't really wanna repeat the experience tbh uvu#ANYWAY sorry for rambling in the tags so much asdfg i'm just maybe a little or a lot hyperfixated on the grishaverse rn :' )#definitely a comfort when i've been so tired lately#get ready to ramble | ooc
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*threatens todd with a bat* there is a good game hidden beneath all this jank todd i can see it. why did you insist on adding all these empty planets everywhere todd? why?! why the forced focus on exploration when we already always wanted to explore your games without you forcing us?!
#saskia plays starfield#i had a lot of fun last night tbh#i started the uc questline and i was pleasantly surprised how the quests where written tbh#i had a lot of personal conversations with my companions which i loved! her background and some perk she has coming up during dialogue#i did the mantis quest which was awesome#just! yesterday was great#but today. god so many instances where i was just dissociating through them loading screens again#counting damn sheep until my protag finally managed to walk 8787m through an empty planet to reach some quest area.....#it feels like im doing work sometimes which is not good#just. there is so much where im like ''god i cant wait until there is a mod for that'' dunno man. rather would have bugs rn than that#the beginning is so slow and then it becomes good. just to be constantly disrupted by its flaws#and dont get me started how unfortunate it is that new atlantis is the central hub and first impression the player gets of the game#the blandest city i have encountered yet#there are just. a couple things where i just dont understand what toddy and co. where thinking#actually i do understand but i wish it was different. oh well#sorry about the rant if anyone is reading this lmaooooo#i just hope tomorrow will be a good starfield day again. i paid enough money for this damn game#just imagine how this game could be if it where all on one map like bethy games usually are. i cannot imagine i would rant about it
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My apologies for being kinda quiet today.
#tbh things are#not good for me mentally right now#just a haha funny brain moment#but just hit me that for the first time#I'm not going to have my granddad call and wish me a happy birthday#i got 26 years with him and that's more than anyone can ever ask#but...#that man raised me#sure my parents were around#but it was my grandma and grandpa who raised me#they were the ones i lived with after my parents divorced#and i feel like i should be over my mourning#but i think about him every now and again and i have to push it out of my mind#because it helps nobody if i just...#break down#but i know that it's not healthy to pack my shit away all the time#it's not a good thing to compartmentalize all my emotional turmoil to deal with later#ah...the mind is a funny thing ain't it#i dunno i always figured that he'd be here to see me get married#but things don't always work how we want em to.#i miss him#i miss him and my grandmother so much
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Been tryna figure stuff out with my OC recently (but in traditional art instead!)
#im not sure how im feeling about it :/#i gave her wavy hair and then as i started drawing her i remembered i dunno how to🧍♂️#so thats been a consistent struggle#also i just cant draw really tbh - im good at looking at something and copying it down pretty close to the original#but a free-hand drawer? not great#(i know i know - to get better i need to keep drawing and i promise i am)#also it was kinda weird to start drawing her like this and then looking back at my digital ones#because who the hell is this - this is not giving my digital artstyle 🧍♂️#one day i'll draw her right 😔✊#BUT HEY - i've got her sick scar down perfectly now😎#anyway fuck it we keep balling#ninjago oc#oc poppy hart#ninjago poppy hart#ninjago oc art#hmiae art#ninjago#lego ninjago
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𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐓𝐀𝐊𝐄 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐄𝐍𝐆𝐀𝐆𝐄𝐌𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐎𝐅𝐅 𝐃𝐔𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐀𝐍 𝐀𝐑𝐆𝐔𝐌𝐄𝐍𝐓
genre: hurt/comfort, angst, fluff
word count: 4.3k
warnings: cursing, crying, neglect, tiny mention of bleeding
a/n: i think i win the contest of overusing commas with this one 🤍 tbh this fic is just yapping so pls deal with me... it's good to write some proper angst again tho, i missed it :(( hope you guys like it and don't find them too repetetive!!
masterlist
LEE HEESEUNG
It's been two weeks since you got the opportunity to take a proper look at Heeseung. And now as you do, you find it hard to recognize your fiancé who looks like he's about to collapse from exhaustion, to say the least.
“I never asked you to mother me or worry about me so much. Stop getting into my business so much. I’m not a child, YN.”
It’s like he was blind to how hurt his words and actions were making you feel. It’s so unusual for him, so out of character and unfamiliar to you, that you can’t help but think that maybe it really is your fault for riling him up this much.
“I worry about you because I’m your fiancé and I love you, you jerk!” You scoff at his careless words and take a step back, the aching in your heart only increasing. “I only want to look after you because you clearly don't know how to do it yourself. I mean, look at yourself! You look as if you haven’t slept in a week and I know you haven’t been eating either. How can I not worry about you when all you do is neglect yourself?”
“Dunno, maybe find yourself something to keep you busy enough. You stay at home all day, do as much as nothing, no wonder you’re so damn nosy. I would be too with this much time on my hands.”
He’s so indifferent to everything you say, you try to recall where it all started going so wrong. All you did was ask whether he’s eaten at work or not, and now the two of you are snapping at each other as if you weren’t lovers, and trying not to hurt each other was a long forgotten thought by now.
“If you’re so unhappy with our relationship – with me, maybe it’s best we take a break,” you say as you feel your throat tighten painfully.
“Agreed. I never even wanted this marriage in the first place,” he scowls, silencing you, words rolling out of his mouth way quicker than his brain is able to process it.
He bites his words back quickly when he watches your face dropping along with your shoulders, and fuck, you look as if you’ve given up on him right then and there.
You walk away then, tears streaming down your face, muttering something about how ungrateful he was being, and all Heeseung could do was stand still as if plastered to the floor, in utter disbelief of his own, untrue, words.
After his cruel statement echoes through his head for the fourth time, he finally snaps out of the self pity and rushes after you to the kitchen where you’re leaned over the counter, head buried in your hands as you cry.
“Baby, I’m sorry,” he apologizes quickly. He walks up from behind you and wraps his arms around your waist, resting his forehead on your shoulder blade. “I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry for everything I said, sweetheart.”
He turns you around gently and feels his chest tighten at how fucking sad you look. He never wants to see you like this. He never wants to be the cause of this ever again.
And when he looks to the side, his throat closes and dries completely at the sight of your engagement ring laying on the counter right behind you.
“Are you sure you didn’t mean it?” You ask, wiping the tears away with your hand pointlessly as another stream follows right after. “Things like that don’t come out of nowhere.”
“I didn’t, love, I swear I didn’t. I’m so fucking sorry,” he breathes out, pulling you closer to him by your neck again.
Never again. Never fucking again. He keeps telling himself in his head as he lifts your hand to his lips and presses a kiss to your knuckles, just where your ring was supposed to be sitting snugly. Then he lowers it and places your palm against his chest, right above his heart, and covers your smaller hand with his.
That was too close to losing you, and himself, for that matter. Because he would never recover if you were gone from his life and all because of him.
“Then why did you even say it?” You sob pitifully as you feel the warm tears dripping down the tip of your nose.
“I don’t know,” he shushes you gently, trying his best to not break you any further.
You pull away once you feel calm enough, hands clutching his t-shirt. “It's not too late to call off the wedding, Seung,” you manage out breathily, raising your palm to cup his cheek. “I'd rather not take the step further than have you unhappy.”
“Darling, no.” Heeseung bends down to minimize the distance between the two of you and peppers your face with loving, warm kisses. He just wants to erase those atrocious thoughts out of your mind as quickly as possible. “Please, there's nothing I'd ever want more than to make you my wife. That was stupid of me to say. I'll never be happy if I'm not with you, my love.”
“I just don’t want to force this marriage on you. You need to want it as much as I do, otherwise it’s pointless.”
Heeseung almost chokes on air when he rushes out his answer even before you can properly finish your sentence. “I do want it. Please, you have to believe me.”
“Really?”
Heeseung smiles at you softly as he wipes your wet cheeks with his thumbs. “Really. Scout’s honour.”
You breathe out, feeling relief, and look up at him with squinted, puffy eyes. “Sometimes I just wanna strangle you to death, Lee Heeseung.”
He chuckles lightly before pressing one last kiss to your cheek. “Aren't you just so adorable? You should add this to your wedding vows.”
“Maybe I’ll add this to your eulogy instead if you pull shit like that again.”
Heeseung clicks his tongue with a grin pulling on his lips. “Touché.”
PARK JAY
The atmosphere in the living room is so heavy that your chest starts to hurt. You’re standing barely two steps away from the man you love the most, yet you’ve never felt more far away from him than in this moment.
His eyes – cold but still undoubtedly full of love, drill holes in the side of your head as you turn your face away from him to try and gather your thoughts.
Arguments with Jay were rare. You always tried to work things out immediately, keeping your heads cool. But something has broken over the last month and you can’t see each other eye to eye anymore. At the very beginning of your relationship you made a promise to never go to bed angry. To never leave things unresolved. Yet now Jay’s been sleeping on the couch for the past week, and you fail to understand what the fuck has happened to the two of you.
And you can’t help but think that, maybe, sometimes love is just not enough.
“You’re not even trying to find the middle ground anymore. All you do is snap at me the second I come home. I’m fucking tired of it! Would it hurt to give it a rest for a day?”
The tension is almost palpable. You hate how you can’t seem to back away from any argument but only keep hurting him instead.
“Put effort into our relationship first, then we’ll talk,” you spit out instead, against your better judgment.
“It’s funny coming from you who’s done nothing but put a fucking distance between us!”
“This doesn’t make any sense anymore, Jay. We need some time apart,” you finally speak into the dull silence, eyes casted downwards at the floor as your hand keeps twitching, only to finally grab for your ring finger and slip the silver band off of it. You didn’t think much of your action, hell, you didn’t even process it properly.
Well, not until you hear the shaky exhale leave Jay’s lips.
Silently, he presses his lips together and nods his head before turning on his heel and leaving the room. You listen intently to the shuffling, then ringing of the keys and eventually the door being shut.
A moment of silence turns into minutes of you staring at the ring on your palm with tears burning your eyes mercilessly.
With your heart falling low to your stomach, you drop down on the couch and tug on your hair slightly, cursing yourself for acting so mindlessly.
You wallow in self pity in the dead quiet room. The shiny ring feels so heavy and burning in your clenched fist. You take in a deep breath, then quickly slide the band back onto your finger, feeling instantly shielded with it being on its righteous place again.
And just like that, you spend the next three hours on the verge of losing your sanity. With no word from Jay. He’s left your messages unread. He’s left your calls unanswered.
You don’t know whether he’s okay or hurt or simply gone. All that combined is enough to leave you panicked and terrified, unable to have a second of peace.
You never meant to take it this far. This – your words and rapid actions, that will forever remain as one of your biggest regrets. You don’t like the idea that you made your other half feel like you’ve taken him for granted. Or for what’s worse, like a person that you can use for unloading your frustration on.
There’s this throbbing pain in your chest as you realize that maybe he’s not coming back because why would he if you can’t even love him properly?
Your fingers are bleeding from how hard you’ve been picking on your cuticles.
And then you hear the jingle of keys and soon the front door opens quietly. You know that even after all of this he’s still being careful to not wake you up. It’s killing you how he thinks you’d ever be able to get a wink of sleep without knowing he’s safe.
You’re quick to drop your phone on the couch and shoot up on your legs, rushing over to the door and throwing yourself on Jay’s neck.
“I was so worried about you!” You gasp out, clinging onto your fiancé desperately as tears unknowingly make their way down your cheeks. “Please, don’t ever do that again!”
“Sorry, my phone died,” he replies after a second or two, bringing his arm up to wrap around your waist and keep you close to him.
He’s still upset but he understands where you’re coming from, knowing well that if it was you instead of him he’d probably go insane from worry.
He can feel your heart hammering against his chest, so he lifts his hand and strokes your hair to help you calm down. But then you start crying, feeling his gentle touch even after everything you said, that was enough to push you over the edge. You clench your trembling hands on his sweater as you burst out with choked sobs, slouching against his warm and comforting body.
“I’m sorry, ‘m sorry, ‘m sorry,” you weep into his chest like a mantra and Jay can quite literally feel his heart cracking at your miserable state.
“It’s okay,” he whispers, hot air hitting your ear before he presses a soft kiss to its tip. “Don’t cry anymore, honey. We’re okay.”
“I don’t deserve that. I don’t deserve you,” you whimper quietly. “Please, don’t leave me.”
“Don’t say that,” he scolds you with a frown. Your whimpers twist his guts even more than your harsh words from before. “It’s not the first nor the last time we’ll have an argument. It’s not worth losing your pretty head over it, okay?”
“I’m sorry,” you repeat one last time. “I promise I'll never take it off again. I’ll never lash out on you like that ever again too.”
Jay grabs your hand and runs his thumb over the thin silver band, the same one he was picking so carefully for weeks, and a small smile tugs on the corners of his mouth. He hates how shameful you sound.
He’ll never tell you how the sight of you pulling your ring off your finger made him physically sick to his stomach. He can't have you feeling even worse than you already do. So instead he brings you close to him and rests his forehead on yours.
“I’m so stupid,” you whisper quietly as you close your eyes, your heavy eyelashes letting go of another few droplets of crystal tears which Jay’s lips soak up instantly. “I don’t know what I’d do if you actually left.”
“You know me better than to think I’d let us break it off over such a petty fight.” And, yes, you do. But your lip wobbles with silent agony at the sole thought of that. “Hey,” he tries again as he presses a loving kiss to your red nose. “I’m not leaving, okay? How could I ever?”
“I love you.”
With his thumb caressing your burning cheek so tenderly, you feel at peace again.
“I love you too,” he replies without skipping a beat. “No one can handle you as well as I do. And no one sees me for me like you do. We complete each other. We belong together.”
He kisses you silly then, until there’s no more tears left in your body and you’re barely able to breathe anymore. He kisses you until your legs give in and he swoops you up to carry you into your shared bed for the first time in what seems like forever.
He kisses you until it engraves in your mind that there’s no other person for him in this world but you.
SIM JAKE
“Baby, I already apologized.” A groan lingers at the back of his throat but for his own sake he stifles it inside. “I don’t know what else you want me to do.”
You sit on the edge of your shared bed and clench your fingers on the silky duvet. “How about you start showing up to things we both agreed on attending to?”
He runs his hand down his face. “I know. It just slipped my mind, that’s all. You know how busy I’ve been this week.”
“This shouldn’t be my business only, though. I mean, for christ’s sake, it’s our wedding! I would really appreciate it if you participated in something for once!”
Flowers and cake. That’s literally all you’ve asked of him to go and pick with you for the wedding reception. Knowing his tight schedule, you picked the date carefully so that it wouldn’t meddle with his work and you could even go grab some dinner afterwards. But your plans all went out the window when he didn’t even bother showing up or giving you a heads up text, standing you up yet another time when it comes to your wedding preparations.
You’re honestly getting tired of it.
“I’ll be there next time,” he assures you quickly as he nervously taps his fingers on the doorway of your bedroom.
“You said you wouldn’t do that,” your voice wavers as your shoulders drop with resignation. With the back of your hand, you wipe off the tears that made their way down your cheeks. “You promised to help, Jake. But you left me alone with everything, as usual.”
“It’s not even that big of a deal. This can be rescheduled any time. Baby, stop stressin’ so much.”
“But it is a big deal to me!” You cry out, palm reaching up to pinch the bridge of your nose. You breathe out heavily. “I don’t want to do everything by myself! We’re supposed to be in this together! If getting married means that I’m gonna be alone with all the responsibilities that you don’t consider important enough, I’m not even sure I still want it.”
To back up your words, your hand moves half-consciously to your ring finger and you twist the cool piece of jewelry in between your fingers.
“No, no, no, no.” Jake moves quickly, nearly tripping over himself as he rushes towards you to desperately clasp your hand in his two and stop you from whatever the hell you were about to do. He drops to his knees in front of the bed, right at your feet. “Baby, you promised you’d never take it off.”
You’re at a loss of words as you look into his wide eyes, the seriousness of your actions only catching up to you now. You gasp quietly, eyes watering just like his, quickly relaxing your tensed hand in his and letting him slide the ring back down your finger, just where it belongs.
Silence envelopes the two of you, besides the sound of your sniffles.
You feel awful.
Jake feels even worse.
Leaning forward, you press your face to his shoulder and melt instantly when he brings a hand to caress your hair.
“I'm sorry,” you whisper, clenching your hand to feel the cool ring against your skin. “I don't know why I did that. I didn't mean to.”
“I know,” he soothes you just as softly. He stands up from the floor and carefully maneuvers the two of you so that you’re placed on his lap as he sits with his back against the headboard. “It's my fault. I'm sorry. I never meant to disregard your feelings like that.”
At the end of the day, both of you would rather set themselves ablaze than watch the other one hurting.
You nod silently, heart pounding in your chest before you bring your arms up and throw them over his neck.
“I’m sorry I was so impulsive.”
“No. You did nothing wrong.” His soothing voice carries over the room, enveloping you with warmth. “I promise I'll be here whenever you want me to from now on. I don’t want you to feel neglected by me, especially now when you’re this stressed over the wedding. I won’t let you down, again.”
“I just need a little help, that’s all,” you mumble tiredly into his skin.
“I know.” His warm lips press to your forehead lovingly. “I’m sorry for being an insensitive douche. It won’t happen again. I’ll take some days off next week, hm?”
The tears on your face dry slowly as your hold on him tightens. “I’d like that a lot.”
“Then it’s done. I'll be all yours and you’ll be all mine then,” he hums and noses at your cheek, finally bringing out a small giggle out of you. After all these years, he still melts at the sound. “I won’t let things get this out of hand again, YN. I promise.”
“Okay,” you whisper. Tilting your head up and bringing his down towards you, you join your lips in a kiss that you’ve been longing for for days. His movements are slow and careful as he tries to soak up as much of the moment as possible.
His kisses slowly put your broken pieces back together. He never knew how much seeing you cry like this would hurt him. And he’ll make damn sure he won’t ever have to experience that again for as long as you're with him.
“If I have a life to spend, it'll only be with you, sweetheart,” he lowers his voice to match yours, cradling your cheek in the palm of his hand. “You're it for me. I'll never give you a chance to doubt that ever again.”
PARK SUNGHOON
“You’re never home! There’s always a hundred things more important to you than spending an hour of your time with me. Your fucking fiance! Are we really about to get married when you’re clearly so tired of me already?”
Your heart pounds in your chest as you finally voice out everything that’s been sitting on your chest for the past month. Things have not been working out well with the two of you, much to your despair. He’s been neglectful, always too busy to help you with anything – even the wedding related things that you should’ve gotten done weeks ago.
And you know that he’s swamped with work and it's not his fault. You understand everything. But to ask him to spare you an hour or two of his day shouldn’t be too much. It shouldn’t make him snap at you unlike what he just did the second he came back home. You slowly begin to lose your hope.
“God, have you always been this needy? Why can’t you accept that I can’t always put you first? No matter how much I’d want to, sometimes I just can’t! Deal with this!”
“Fucking- Fine.”
Your hand moves quicker than your brain, and the next thing you know, your shiny ring is being pulled off your finger and resting in the palm of your other hand.
You can see the disbelief flashing through his face briefly before it completely morphs into a scowl.
“You really think that this will solve the problem?” He asks, eyebrows narrowed as he glowers at you from across the room. “Really? Does that ring mean so little to you that you go and throw it away with any minor inconvenience?”
You try to blink away the frustrated tears, hand raking up to brush your hair away from your face. “No, fuck, I just- I don’t know what to do anymore, Sunghoon. I feel like I’m the only one in this relationship. I need you to give me something more because whatever you’re doing now is not enough for me.”
“Well, I’m putting out everything I have, YN! I love you! If that’s still not good enough for you, then maybe it’s not meant to be.”
The silence that falls in the room doesn’t last long as your sudden sob pierces Sunghoon’s ears quickly, making his stomach drop to the soles of his feet. His heart wrenches and twists as the anger simmers down and evaporates from his body within a second, and he’s quickly coming back to his senses at the sight of you breaking down right in front of him.
“Can’t you just try?” You cry into your hands, shielding your face away from your fiance. “That’s all I’m asking of you. Is it really so hard to try?”
No, it’s not. Sunghoon knows it without a second of thinking. It’s not too hard to try, never if it’s for you. And his throat dries so quickly when he basks in the weight of his words that finally made you break as well.
“You don’t know how much it hurts to feel like you’re too much for your partner,” you wail with a small voice, shoulders trembling and hands quickly getting damp with tears. “You’ll never know how it is to feel unwanted, because you’ll never have to when you're with me. Because I love you, asshole, but now I’m doubting if you’re saying it back just for the sake of it.”
With air getting stuck in his throat, Sunghoon looks at you wide-eyed before quickly crossing the living room and enveloping you in his arms. His warmth wraps around you in what you've always considered to be safety, but now it just makes you cry more.
He finds it hard to breathe. The hesitation in your eyes feels like a stab to his chest.
“Of course I still love you,” he says, voice muffled by your hair.
He hates how he made you feel the opposite. He hates how you’re right and he never had to worry about any reassurement of such kind from your side because you’re just that good to him. And his heart breaks with the realization of how much of a lousy partner he’s been to you when all you ever were was nothing less than perfect.
So he places his hand on the back of your head and presses you even closer to his shoulder as you cry, his own eyes burning with tears at the sound of your sobs and sniffles.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, my darling,” he apologizes with a heavy heart, fearful of what’s about to come next. “I didn’t mean to neglect you this much. I could say that I’m tired and the work has been a lot lately, but I know these excuses are not enough to make up for my actions.”
You’re mad and hurt, but you love him and would never want to give up on him, so you wrap your arms around his middle and hold him almost as tight as he holds you, burying your wet face in his chest.
“I love you more than anything, YN.” He pulls away from you only to cup your face and make you look at him. His long fingers wipe away the tears with gentle touch, soothing your stinging skin instantly. “You could never be too much for me. I want all of you. I promise I’ll do better. I’ll love you better.”
And when you’re looking up at him with these shiny eyes of yours, he closes the distance and presses a loving kiss to your swollen lips, hoping to take at least some of the pain away. He doesn’t think he can hold you any tighter. He can’t love you any stronger than right now, and it messes with his head how easily he could’ve had it all ruined only minutes ago.
He’ll never take your love for granted ever again. Because if he did, he’d never be able to pick up the parts of whatever was left of him, and put himself back together ever again.
You can feel his warm hand opening your closed palm before he takes the ring you've been clutching so tightly and holds it in between his fingers.
“Can I put it back on, baby? Please.”
You nod wordlessly while you try to tame your tears. You hold your slightly trembling hand up to him. He takes it, gently, and watches as your bottom lip wobbles while he slides the ring on your finger just like he did months ago.
“I'll never screw up like that again. You have my word for it.”
You sniffle quietly when he kisses you right on the cool band adorning your skin. “You better not, Park Sunghoon.”
His long fingers caress your cheek, wiping the remains of the tears away. “Can you forgive me, darling?”
You don't need to think long of an answer. “You know I can never stay mad at you. Even if you're a idiot, I'll never stop loving you. You have my whole heart, Hoon. Please, don't ever make me regret trusting you with it.”
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