#due to mental and physical health stomping on me

[void-tiger]

Thinking about you, even when I can’t be around you, I want to be better, and want better for myself. I feel brave enough to be ambitious.

And when anxiety isn’t eating away at either of us? I can finally feel safe enough to be at rest. Not need to fade away or else be “on” all the time. (I still want you to feel as comfortable teasing me playfully and cracking jokes directly with me and letting yourself ramble that you are seemingly with everyone else, though. That’s how I truly know I’m connected to someone.)

In short, I miss you. And it has nothing to do with your travels.

[loonatic260]

So often, I think about how Thomas's relationship with Edward (the blind soldier in season 2) would have gone if Edward was permitted to stay and recover at the hospital. I mean, really, there's so many different scenarios of how things *could* have gone for Thomas if his love interests loved him back (and stuck around long enough to make it work).

During the confrontation in the courtyard (S2E2)... Corporal Barrow to his left, Nurse Crawley to his right, and a badgering doctor in front of him, Edward speaks his mind about wanting to stay. "Please— don't send me away. Not yet," the soldier states, contorlling his emotions. And instead of Thomas being cut off this time, he continues to speak, "Sir, surely we... can still take care of him, until the time comes that he is fully recovered." Thomas looks over to Edward, for the response in his gaze that supports and appreciates his efforts, but is quickly reminded that a look of condolence is hard to get out of a blind man. "Corporal Barrow, you will not speak out of turn—" his tone shifts, "every one of our beds is needed for the injurred and dying. Lieutenant, you will make your recovery at Farley. Corporal, I will see you in my office." The doctor pats Edward's shoulder and turns away, leaving the three in silence. Sybil looks to Thomas, then to Edward, "We are fully capable of keeping you here to treat you until you are better. Thomas, I'm sure we can find a way to change the doctor's mind." Thomas takes a long moment to think of what could be said, but Edward breaks his thought by looking up towards him. Thomas knows those bright eyes can't see him, but Edward's longing for an answer, and longing for some way to stay, are clearly conveyed by that deep stare. Thomas distracts himself from the way the light shown across his face and illuminated his scars. "I don't want to leave, Corporal, not right yet. I don't feel fully recovered yet— a convalescent home won't help me." Thomas looks to Sybil. They both know Edward's outlook on his own life; it isn't good, and if they can get him to stay under their care, they'd know he'd be a healthier man of it.

"Please, one man staying here to recover- or convalesce, as you put it- is not getting in the way of us taking care of other injurred soldiers." Thomas stands opposite of the doctor, only a desk between them but many dense layers of invisible emotions as well. "We have the equipment and time to continue to tend to Edward while caring for others' just as well," Sybil enters the office eagerly to back him up. "I am taken aback by both of your confidence. Nurse Crawley, you may be used to having the social upper-hand, but not here. My decision is final in keeping Ed—" The clicking heels of an adamant, old woman can be heard stomping nearer, alerting Clarkson of his likely misjudgment. "Doctor Clarkson, I do beg your pardon, but have you tended to Lieutenant Courtenay as closely as Corporal Barrow or Nurse Crawley?" Her distinct tone sends exaughst from every hole of the doctor's body. "I do recall Thomas talking with the Lieutenant, reading him his letters, and offering condolences, therefore giving him an accurate assessment of Lieutenant Courtenay's mental health." Sybil looks to Thomas from behind, looking to see even the slightest smile peaking through his cheeks, but Corporal Barrow stays straight-faced. Sybil knows they've won this argument now. "And Nurse Crawley has tended to his physical needs and growth in his condition, so she should be more than qualified- in this circumstance- to claim whether or not Lieutenant Courtenay should continue to be seen here, so if she claims he is still of our assistance, then we shall grant him that." Without much more word from Doctor Clarkson— at least not much anything that Thomas had to listen to due to smirking and showing Sybil his slight excitement— Corporal Barrow met Lieutenant Courtenay at his cot.

"Are you happy to be out of your bandages, Lieutenant Courtenay?" Thomas smiled towards Edward, finding himself repeating natural mannerisms from his service at Downton when it wasn't always necessary, especially right now. "Please, don't call me 'Lieutenant.' I've lost that privilege of title the moment I wasn't able to perform my duties properly anymore." Slouching halfway out from under his sheets, he turned away from the sound of Thomas's voice, imagining the disappointment. "You can call me 'Edward'," the soldier finished. Thomas furrowed his brows, "I told you not to be so hard on yourself. I won't lie to you, and I won't tell you that you'll be able to perform your duties properly again, but I can say that you will- and do- have the opportunity to live a good life." Thomas laid his palms on Edward's knuckles, carefully centered on the soldier's knee as if to plead. "I already told you: don't let other's drag you down. It doesn't matter what they think of ya, or do to ya, so you'll resolve things with your brother and mother—" Thomas saw the muscles in Edward's face start to quiver, "Or else I'll have to go knock some sense into them, and they don't want that!" A chuckle was pulled out of Edward as a tear strolled down his cheek, and Thomas gave a laugh of relief to be able to make Edward smile. "We'll take care of you as long as we can, Edward. We'll make things work. Despite what Clarkson thinks is best for someone he doesn't know."

Sybil smiled from the doorway, watching their interaction, and glad of their soldier's brightened spirits. She'd never seen Thomas so emotional before, but it was an effective way of getting through to Edward. Surprisingly, the doctor listened to Isobel once again; it seems that only Isobel can truly get through to Doctor Clarkson.

[doordaash]

HI GUYS! sorry i’ve been super ia over on here ~ i’ve been posting over on twt still, but even over there it’s been a bit hard between personal matters & mental / physical health issues

that being said ~ i’m back :) and ill try to keep up with posting some lil threads for yall over here hehhe

~

as mu qing limps towards the golden palace, blood trails behind him in splattered patches on the stones. his panting comes out softly, growing loud only when he grips his arm, hoping to stop the blood - even just a little bit.

it was late & the heavens were empty, save for a few scurrying civil gods trying to make deadlines, though they failed to notice the injured god.

he must have been out of his mind, as he was truly not being able to pinpoint an actual reason as to why he would come to this palace, rather than travel the bit of distance to his own

he could hear the jests from his rival now, laughing at his pain & stupidity for getting as hurt as he had.

it was an accident - to be fair, as he had never expected the bandits to have poisonous arrows

1 arrow? that was fine, he could handle 1 arrow….. 2 arrows? 2 was unideal but…

6??

the first 4 thankfully only nicked him, leaving small scratches that felt like they were on fire due to the poison.

the 5th got him in the thigh from behind. a bandit whom had been hiding in a tree, simply waiting for him to turn his back. the 6th is the one that got him clean through the upper arm

he had stupidly ripped the arrows from his body out of anger, despite knowing better, which only pulled the poison through his body once more - causing the effects to speed up

he nearly tripped when pain shot through his leg when he accidentally put too much pressure on it.

perhaps it was the company that he craved?

he kept his deputies busy with their duties & training - so he knew if he stayed at his palace he would be tending to his wounds alone…..he refused to go to the medical gods, as he wasn’t on good terms with them…

despite his history with the archer, they had been through thick & thin together. though they fought often, they would never let the other die. it was a mutual respect & ….care(?) for the other. they had both saved eachother on multiple occasions, tending to the others wounds when needed.

he tried to convince himself that this was the sole reason he limped up to feng xins golden gates, but a little part of his brain knew that was only a minuscule part of the reason why

the guards that stood at the door looked at him shocked, surveying his wounds with wide eyes before looking to eachother in questioning, silently communicating with eachother

mu qing nearly sighed when one nodded, & the other lifted his fingers to his temple.

he was unsure how much time had passed, he & the guards didn’t speak - only waited for the general of the palace to appear

one did reach out to him when he stumbled briefly, but he held out his hand to stop the deputy from trying to help him, he was fine.

soon enough, the loud but familiar stomping of a certain archer could be heard, and within seconds the palace doors slammed open, the deputies shooed away to deal with other duties

feng xin stared down at him from the step, confusion & shock marring his features. suddenly mu qing felt more vulnerable than he had in a very long time, and felt tears prick behind his eyes.

“i’m…I’m sorry…..i know this is improper of m-me, let alone quite rude of me to just…s-show up…but..but i just…”

he squeezed his eye shut, feeling the tears build more and more against his will. he will not cry. no! nope! not again! he already cried enough around feng xin after mount tonglu! showing up here in general was embarrassing enough

opening his eyes once more to meet feng xins, as he was determined to not show weakness, caused a wave of dizziness to wash over him. this caused him to stumble forward when his bad leg didn’t support him the way he wanted it to.

he expected to meet cold steps, but instead once again - feng xin caught him. his warm arms wrapping around mu qing like a safety net.

this was what mu qing wanted. he wanted the safety that was feng xin & his embrace.

borrowing his face into feng xins shoulder to hide his blush, he breathed in deep before muttering “i…i didn’t know where else to go…”

“mu qing….” feng xin stroked up & down mu qings back in a comforting fashion, before steadying him, pushing him back up so they were face to face, yet feng xins eyes didn’t meet his.

instead, mu qing watched as feng xins eyes glared over his body, taking in each injury & each tear in his robes, before lifting them to meet mu qings at last

there was an unexpected rage in them, yet mu qing somehow knew it wasn’t directed towards him for once

“who did this to you?!”

[artsy0wl]

Crowning Sanctuary (A RaiLeon Crown Tundra fic) Chapter 1

This is a sequel to Volatile Contact and Dragon Protection. Following the events of the Darkest Day and the abuse at Rose’s hand, Raihan wants more insight and motive for why Rose did it. A chance run in with Peony may just be what he needs. However, Peony, who’d prefer not to get involved, agrees to help Leon and will only provide answers if Leon comes with him to Freezington.

“No.”

“But you’re the only one who can help.”

“What part of, ‘I never want to see Rose again’, aren’t you understanding?”

“This isn’t about you!”

Stubbornness must have been a family trait. Though he hadn’t expected to run into Peony while taking Leon to a physical therapy session, part if Raihan was glad that he did. After Rose was apprehended, there were still a few things that needed to be sorted out.

Namely, a pattern of behavior and if Leon was the only person to suffer from Rose’s violent obsession. Bede hadn’t shown signs of abuse, but he did have mental scars from Rose’s neglectful memory as well as from the pressure to show the chairman he was as good or better than Leon.

“He’s been arrested,” Peony reminded, “so that’s a closed case if I’ve ever saw one.”

“For trying to enact the Darkest Day,” Raihan stated, folding his arms, “not for… other crimes that have recently come to light.”

“Oh, please. Besides being a business man with the patience and impulse of a caffeinated Greedent, he’s a saint.”

The hint of venom in Peony’s voice did not go unnoticed. A bit of a surprise coming from Rose’s brother. However, given how little Rose talked about him, Raihan didn’t doubt that there was some tension between these two brothers.

With that in mind, the thought that Peony knew nothing about Rose’s malice due to cutting ties did occur to Raihan. Not that Raihan could blame him. In some ways, Peony had the right idea when he decided to disappear.

“A saint?” Raihan repeated. “Not in the slightest.” He looked around, making sure they were alone. “He did some things, bad things, to Leon.”

“Bad things to…?” Peony’s head tilted, confused. “What’d he do to Fluffy?”

Raihan sighed, pulling out his phone, dreading the explanation. “He… abused Leon. Harassed him and violated his trust.” He winced as he sensed Peony’s tension. “He threatened him. Almost kissed him in one instance and did so on his head in another.”

Peony froze, processing the information with stunned horror. “He wouldn’t.”

“He would.” Raihan pulled up his photo library. “I saw both instances. And though I didn’t get that photographed, I did get photos of the abuse.”

He showed Peony the scars on Leon's back and the gashes on his head from when Rose slammed his head against the window. It was sickening, despite the images only being photos. Violently shaking, Peony glared at Raihan.

“Why are you showing me this?”

“Because we need closure.” Raihan sighed as he put his phone away. “While we have enough proof to prosecute him for it, the investigator we’ve been working with thought it might provide additional proof if this abuse started when he was younger. He is speculating that this aggressive possessiveness could have started much sooner than Leon.”

Letting out an annoyed growl, Peony crossed his arms. He heavily stomped around, pacing with no real sense of direction. He didn’t know if he should be angry or horrified. Or a little bit of both.

Peony couldn’t believe his brother could do such a thing. There was no way the intellectually inclined perfectionist could do such a thing. He was too respectable. Too gifted to be so violent. Yet, the evidence was as clear as day.

“Bring me to him.” Peony requested, giving Raihan his attention. “I need to see Fluffy for myself.”

~

Leon’s session was just about finished when Raihan brought Peony. Though he was in good health, the doctors wanted Leon to get some physical therapy to help with residual pain after the Eternatus attack. Raihan agreed it was necessary, concerned that ignoring Leon’s injuries longer would hurt him. Leon, on the other hand, tried to deny that anything was wrong, despite the exhaustion and heavy limbs.

However, after discussing it openly and honestly, Leon agreed to get physical therapy for Raihan’s sake, not wanting Raihan to constantly worry. He also agreed to get therapy sessions after, which the specialist helped provide by requesting a therapist come in for about an hour. That way, Leon could get help process everything in one visit.

As they approached the room Leon was in, Raihan stood before Peony, stopping him from entering the room. A hand lightly yet firmly stood between them as Raihan proceeded.

“Before you see him, I want you to keep in mind that how he reacts towards you isn’t personal.” Raihan stated. “Though you are completely different, you do resemble Rose to some degree. Should he react negatively, it’s not because he hates you. It’s because he’s afraid of your brother. Understood?”

Peony was silent for a moment as he registered the statement and the implications behind it. “Understood, Tiny.”

Raihan nodded, ignoring the nickname. He entered the room first, having Peony follow with a bit of distance. Leon was sitting on a couch, his frame deflated. Eyes were rimmed with red with tears pooling around them.

“How’d it go?” Raihan inquired, sitting next to Leon. “Hug it out while working out?”

Leon chuckled as he rubbed his eyes. “Something like that.”

“He’s making progress.” The therapist confirmed, handing Leon the box of tissues on her desk. “He still feels a bit riled up about what happened. Guilty and terrified by it, but he’s starting to understand that he isn’t at fault. And that’s what I’d call progress.” She eyed Peony for a brief moment. “Who’s your friend?”

“Someone who might be able to give us additional proof to keep Rose locked up for as long as possible .” Raihan gently wrapped an arm around Leon as he turned his attention to Leon. “You remember Peony, yeah? Your predecessor that your dojo master had to fill in for and Rose’s younger brother.”

Leon’s frame jolted as he backed out of Raihan’s side hug. Shoulders tensed and eyes froze on Peony, trembling. Recognition might have been there, but fear was instilled in him.

“It’s okay, Lee.” Peony softly greeted, using his familiar nickname to help keep things calm. “I’m not going to hurt you.”

“I don’t mean to be offensive,” the therapist started, “but you shouldn’t be here.”

“Well I am.” Peony stated, standing before Leon as he spoke with the therapist. “I’m the only one who can fix what my brother did.”

Leon stood up, not liking being stood over. Raihan followed. He didn’t want to be sitting in the event Leon reacted negatively.

Not knowing where to start, Peony eyed Leon’s frame. Namely his expression and how his frame reacted. His hand lightly hovered over Leon’s cheek, tapping it just lightly enough for Leon not to flinch wildly.

Leon did, however, shift away from Peony’s hand. He inched closer to Raihan as Peony’s hand froze in place. As he moved it, arms subconsciously shot up to protect Leon’s head.

“Please don’t hurt me.” Leon squeaked. “I’ve been good. Honest.”

His eyes widened as Peony’s hand landed on his shoulder, resting at the base of Leon’s neck. Leon smacked Peony’s hand off of him, hands now protecting his throat.

“Not again, Rose! Please!”

Peony shot an apologetic gaze at Leon. It didn’t take a medical professional to know that a scar was there. Even if it wasn’t physical.

“That bastard.” Peony noted under his breathe. “Hurting the kid like that.” He looked around the room, sensing that something was off. “We’ve got to get you out of here.”

He paused for a moment, contemplating his next move. Without warning. Peony grabbed Leon’s arm, causing him to let out a hoarse gasp. Raihan wedged himself between the two, dislodging Leon from Peony. Leon latched onto Raihan, shaking violently.

Raihan shuffled around, positioning Leon in front of him so he could hold him mote comfortably. He mentally smacked himself for letting that happen. Even if he didn’t expect it. That must have effected Leon’s progress to some degree.

“You said you wanted to see him. Not attempt to kidnap him.” Raihan growled.

“I’m not trying to kidnap him.” Peony deflected, now offended. “But if you want my help, you will let me take him to Freezington. Where Leon can heal and won’t be monitored by Rose.”

[velveetawabbit]

Neutral Bodies and why I have one: the novel (for some godforsaken reason)

TW; speaking of past fatphobia, mentions of eating disorders (Is that the right stuff? Is that the right place to put it? The Void, if you could possibly give feedback on this one, it would be lovely.)

Ahem, Hello again, Void. *flourishes a crate which has crudely handwritten words "SOAP BOX" presented on all sides by ragged pieces of paper. Each misshaped rectangle is heavily taped to the sides as though caught in a tape-spiders web, setting it gently on the ground, then steps up onto it with certainty while addressing the vast endlessness of 1's and 0's*

I don't have a memory where I wasn't medically overweight or obese. (very low food quality up until about 15 pretty much) I once felt shame and envy at all the "pretty and skinny" girls, because at the time I was literally the only overweight kid in my entire class from 4-6 grade. The body hatred continued. My mother was nothing but a hinder, as she was fueling that hatred bonfire through passionate vicarious living that overall damaged my health in many varieties.

But, in middle school (my area it's only grade 7-8/12-14 years old) there was suddenly more kids my size hanging around, and I ended up friends with several of them. I compared myself to them constantly, and felt such a hungry need to be accepted that I sort of leaned into being obese, and also took less care of myself in tandem.

Very good combo, amazing, you should try it /sarcasm

In high school, I finally met people who were bigger than I was, and it blew my mind as much as showed a dirty spotlight on myself because at first I saw them and thought "ew", just like everyone else had at me my entire life. For sure mentally stomping down instead of lifting up, I held onto the "ew" thought.

Slowly, it faded, because I finally got to see and understand that you can be friends and have fun with anyone regardless of how they look or their backgrounds. It also helped that my mother moved away from me and I got to live with my grandmother (thus the jump in food quality~ #GoGrandma). One HUGE ding in the overall positive high school experience (I did and currently do theatre) was the pressure to look a certain way in order to receive a role (It's still there, but not nearly as distressing in my neck of the woods, thankfully).

For high school drama, an overweight girl being good for nothing more than overweight mom archetypes, ugly nerds, or just the physical butt of mean-spirited jokes was embarrassing and made me feel unlovable. (Did NOT help that my teacher was a petty ass queen of a man who cherry picked his favorites and then flaunted his lack of care *coughabilitycough* in acting by being excessively blatant about it. He for sure planned his season based on them. Those favorites felt bad about it too :( none of us really held any grudges because of it.)

College came and I barely even cared about weight, I still felt unlovable and ugly due to my weight, but I took care to change my poor first impressions of others once I got to know them. Sure, I still would think "ew" when meeting people, but I gave myself a moment to do better and let that person be more than their appearance. I still fumble but I think I'm doing great.

A lot of those college theatre folks and friends really loved themselves, opened my head up to mental wellness, and got me more comfortable in my skin. I wasn't active, sure, but it made it easier to participate in physical activities, because there wasn't any pressure to be losing weight from peers, and in hindsight, as I was writing this I realized I was also very separated from constant advertisements. In college I streamed everything in some commercial-free fashion, unlike most of my life thus far where my main source of entertainment was received through cable television.

*the SOAP BOX creaks and squeaks noisily for a few moments as weight is shifted and a heavy sigh is heaved*

Then it started to tilt over the other way once I'd moved on to the working field. The body positivity movement was picking up, and now I had people getting in my space telling me how pretty I am and stuff. It was really frustrating, because it felt much like applauding someone with Down Syndrome just for going to the store by themselves when they're a perfectly functional adult who doesn't need you infantilizing them.

Other people now felt the need to try and heal an insecurity for me that, at the time, I had already slowly started to get over. It ramped back up my self hatred because: now I'm overweight, and people feel the need to go out of their way to tell me how beautiful I am, which could be just as harmful as mocking someone for their level of obesity. (I'm like, boss level btw) (But also wjen you talk like that to people you're literally one slight snort away from coming off as a total jackass sometimes, and it sucks that the You I'm talking to has not an ounce of an idea who they are. :T)

For me it for sure was harmful, especially because it was always people smaller than me, people I considered skinny and beautiful snapping their necks to try and virtue signal to themselves or the world that they didn't think fat people were monsters.

Then, I had people, for the first time, romantically interested in me because of my OBESITY. je ne sais w h a t ???

I am currently trying to maintain a more healthy weight due to incredible knee damage, so I've been on a health journey, one that has also resulted in steady slow weight loss. That got me walked out on one date, and ghosted the rest (RIP, but not really, lol). Even so, those brief moments made me wonder if I was being an idiot for putting in all this effort in my health because now I'm the only person who wants to treat my obesity! (Besides, you know, my doctor)

It felt like all I was again, was a fat person. But now I'm some commodity for society instead of some gross animal.

Fret not though.

Now I have a nice mental toolbox, and I took all this unasked for feedback from strangers about my weight in some abstract fashion and just chucked it right into the mental shredder. None of those people likely cared about me, they cared about themselves and feeling like a good person, which, understandable and same, but it can go overboard easily; as most well intentioned things tend to do anyways.

I entered n e u t r a l i t y.

WOAH.

My body is there to get me around, go do this stuff, experience this thing; my happy little cozy home for my neurons and synapsis to live for a time. It's got these nifty fingers and stuff, eyes are kinda shit, knees are shit... sorry my body has had it R O U G H, like I'm anecdotal proof that cheap preservative rich foods permanently damage you beyond just heart disease and obesity. My GI system is decimated, I'm fighting with my stomach acid and lower intestines constantly. I legit theorize the health problems I have are more caused by the plethora of poorly regulated preservatives and food dyes than poor early life nutrition and obesity. If I get stomach or intestinal cancer I'm going to explode from vindication.

*A screen suddenly snaps into existence from above, a non-existent film projector drops down, a video of a grainy commercial ala early 2000's begins to play. A tired looking old man sits in a sweater, speaking shortly of his troubles and health concerns, and then mentions the sorts of food he'd once enjoyed so much, specifying brands, and then finally drops into the meat of this ad:

If you or a loved once have been diagnosed with /odd but serious to say name of GI specific illness here/ due to heavy ingestion of the listed ingredients or food brands and products, please, call the number below to see if you qualify for reimbursement for your care.

The screen suddenly snaps out of existence again, moving on as though nothing had happened*

Suddenly I didn't think about how I'd look like when I lost weight, or gained weight or faded out all the stretchmarks or acne scars like I used to. I was shelling out hundreds of dollars chasing that mask of beauty to hide under until that point, and prying off that stupid mask and throwing it away felt SO GOOD. Way good. 10/10 would recommend!!

Now when I go try on clothes, I don't go "oh, but my fat looks weird :(" or anything like that.

When I feel myself a wriggling and a jiggling as I hoof it around, IDGAF. (Unless chafe occurs, all bets are off when mama's thighs be feeling like fresh fries)

Don't fit in that chair? Aha, standings not a problem!

I don't think negative things about myself. I still verbally rag on myself all the time, it keeps me humble and makes it easy to laugh at my little mistakes and dumb flaws, but in no way does it mean I hate myself.

I'm hilarious and I'm a walking joke, fuck-you-very-much.

I loathe that so many people have felt the need to project that personal trauma onto me by jumping to my own defense; as though I don't know who I am and what I'm about.

I just want folks to be better self aware, and slower to fixate on others to try and forget about their own problems. A big ask, I am very aware, so I don't keep any hopes up on that social climate change.

I took on more consciousness about when I was projecting myself on others, and took it as the feedback it was and grew like a weed, and I hang in there just as aggressively too. I couldn't hurt my feelings if I tried because I love myself more than other peoples insecurities.

*both hands lift up to eith side to form impromptu hand puppets*

Left Hand: Good job me!

Right hand: Thanks me!

*high fives and hands drop back down to sides*

In the end, I still kinda hate the body positivity movement, especially because I don't think people realize how much they tell on themselves when they always look at the biggest person in the room when bringing up body positivity. As I am often that person, I notice.

Every. Single. Time.

Luckily the movement has better meshed with corporations, and social media found more things to froth at the mouth over, so I no longer have people tossing themselves on non-existent swords for my sake when I don't even know them, but still, if you do this: you stop that. >:Y

Going from "Ew" to "Oh you're so brave" was more insulting than empowering, for me it was often super fake. If you genuinely can't find a compliment, don't force it. Sincerity makes the manners, not the words.

You can for sure still feel like a good person without inadvertently being the bad person tho. My friend suggested it to me, hopefully more people would consider more neutral ways to brighten other people's day, things those people can change all the time easily: clothing, hair style/length, footwear, accessories, tattoos, etc. (I think hair color and eye color also fall under here, but it could be in more of a grey area due to semi-permanence)

The observation while quick, should at least be more than two seconds.

Bonus effort if you pick a key feature of said focus of compliment, because that's putting in some actual effort to uplift someone else.

Example: Woah, I love your bag, you rock it great!

You got this, those-that-need-this-the-most-who-wont-ever-see-this-ever!

[tobitofunction]

Losing Game Link x female!reader

Set before the calamity

Sorry for taking so long, my mental health was kicking my butt recently 

The cold wind was hitting your face, perfectly cooling you as Hyrule summer was cruelling. You were sitting on top of your Divine Beast which overlooked Kakariko Village. You were the chosen champion for the Sheikah, as both Impa and Purah (mostly Impa)  were favoured to pilot the beast but their lack of fighting knowledge was the reason you were chosen, your family were close to the royal family for generations due to natural talent of fighting. 

You were protecting the Princess of Hyrule before the boy who was chosen by sword came along and basically took your job, much to the Princess’s distaste, when you heard the news that you would be replaced as the Princess's protector you were mad, it didn't madder that the sword chose him, no one could protect the Princess better than you. Zelda still had you come with her on her adventure both of you ignoring the knight who just stood in silence even if spoken to. Link was the name of the boy, you had to admit he was very attractive, with his brilliant blue eyes with thick lashes, and golden hair which glittered in the sun pulled back in a low ponytail, he had muscular physic which is normal for someone who is in his profession, his height was nothing special, he was just a bit taller than you but really just by a bit. It took time for the both of you to warm up to each other, Link just stared whenever you tried to talk to him something which Zelda gave up on. The first time Link talked to you is when you finally had enough of his silence and snapped at him,” DO YOU EVER TALK OR JUST STARE LIKE A CREEP” you yelled stomping past him towards the stables wanting to make your way back to Kakariko as Zelda was busy with writing about her research, suddenly you felt a hand wrap around you bicep making you stumble back a bit,” Hey!” you said looking at him,” I don't talk because... I don't want to be a burden to people” he said softly, his blue eyes staring into yours,” Who told you that?”,” Told me what?”,” That you are a burden?”,” Me... everybody is worried enough about Calamity Ganon and Zelda not unlocking her powers, so I don't want to burden people with my problems” he said letting go off you,” Bottling your feelings up isn't good though, you can tell me... if you want” you said rubbing the back of your neck,” I... don't want to burden-”,” You won't be” you smiled making Link smile as well. While ridding your horses back to Kakariko Link told you about how he feels the pressure of being chosen by the sword, how everyone expects him to be perfect, to defeat everything which dares to come his way,” I am strong but mortal, there are times I’m scared to lose not only the battle but also my life, Lyne attacked me once and... and I ran away after a while, I was too scared and I was also worried that you and the Princess might be in danger as you snuck off without telling anything about where you would be going,” Was it the time where Zelda told you to stop following her?” Link nodded,” It’s completely normal to feel that way Link, it’s human. Even the strongest can't win everything, one day you can defeat a Lyne, I know you will,” you said grabbing his hand and giving it a squeeze. Link looked at you,” you know there was another reason why I didn't talk... I... find you really pretty Y/N, like extremely... more even than the Princess, every time you talked or yelled at me my brain kinda went blank” he scratched the back of his head, his cheeks and the tip his ears went red at the confession,” I found you pretty as well but I kinda overlooked as I was to busy being mad at you for taking my job as Zelda protector away and you not talking didn't help” he sighed, his cheeks becoming even redder than before,” How do you feel now?” he asked quietly, you looked ahead of you, noticing the entrance of Kakariko in the far distance,” I’m thinking if you beat me to Karakriko I will consider going on a date with you but if you will lose, I still might considering it after you win in a fight against a Cucco” you smiled at him,” Challenge accepted, on 3. 1,2-” but before he could finish he kicked Epona making her speed off,”3″ he shouted making you gasp,”Cheater” you said galloping after him, trying to catch up to him but Link’s horse Epona was just to fast for your horse. Link stopped Epona right in front of Impa’s house, a chuckle erupted in him as he saw your displeased face, the people around you looking at Link with wonder as it’s the first time Link showed any type of emotion,” You cheated, so no date for you” you stuck your tongue out at him,” Sorry but there is no way I’m fighting those demons” he said nodding towards the Cucco’s who was walking around the village,” Do I still get that date?” he asked getting off Epona and tying her on the post before Impa’s house,” Sure” you smiled.

Your thoughts of the past were interrupted by feeling a pair of arms wrap around you,” Hey” Link whispered into your ear, you were now sitting between his legs,” Hey, you took your time” you smiled grabbing his hand,” Sorry, but I can't stay long either. I’m taking Zelda to the spring of wisdom in hopes to unlocking her power” he said kissing your cheek,” Should I join?”,” We are fine, the view on top of this is always amazing” he said,” Yeah, it is” you said not taking your eyes off him,” Are you scared?” you said randomly,” For what?” Link said lifting a brow,” That Zelda won't be able to unlock her powers in time” you said playing with Link’s blue tunic,” To be fair, I am. Since I have things... or someone to lose now” he said cupping your jaw, his thump caressing your cheek gently, he then gently placed his lips on yours, you hummed into the kiss as Link pulled you closer to his warm body, even though his lips where chapped they still had a sense of softness to them,” I love you y/n, don't forget that okay. No matter the outcome of this trip I will always come back to you, not even Ganon can stop me from seeing you again” he said after pulling away, you don't reply instead you pushed Link onto his back and straddled his waist and pressed your lips back to his. Link was surprised at the action but quickly recovered from it and kissed you back, one of his hands was holding your thigh while the other cupped the back of your head,” Kinky” a voice said making you tumble backwards nearly off the divine beast if wasn't for Link quick reaction time,” Purah! You scared me” you scolded the Sheikah scientist,” Sorry y/n but Linky has a commitment to attend to which isn't happening under our wonderful Sheikah champion but with Princess Zelda” Purah said with an amused smile,” Oh crap” Link said scrambling up,” Don’t worry Linky, I get it. We Sheikah are unresistable and quickly make you forget time. Once you go Sheikah you can't go back” she said making Link and you exchange looks,” I need to go” Link said with a red face.

Once Link left Purah turned to you,” Is he a good kisser?”,” Purah?!!” you gasped,” Did you sleep with each other yet?”,”PURAH?!!” you yelled walking into the beast,” What I’m just wondering, never in a million years I thought Link and you.... or Link with anyone in general” she shrugged,” I always thought you and the Princess actually” you lifted a brow,” What?”,” Yeah, a lot of people thought that... I mean a lot, we had beats going on” she said,” Beats? On me and Zelda becoming a couple?”,” Yep and other potential ships between the champions” she said,” Who was Link shipped with?”,” Well, most people thought he will die alone but other people thought either Mipha or Zelda, some even shipped him with Rivali, you know the whole enemy to lovers thing” Purah said with a smile,” But the top ship was you and Zelda” she said,” That’s...I don't even know what to say” you said honestly,” Purah, don't tell anyone about me and Link... at least not for now” you said grabbing her hand and giving her a pleading look,” Sure, no problem. I need to go, Impa told me to check on the shrine of resurrection, want to join?”, you sighed and then gave her a nod.

Meanwhile, Zelda and Link made their way toward the spring of wisdom,” So why were you late? It’s not like you being late and you seemed quite flustered as well” Zelda said after a while of silence,” Where you with y/n? I know you must be as people saw you going towards Kakariko” Link’s ears began turning red again but he stayed silent,” You don't have to say anything but just to be clear hurt her and I make sure you rot in a jail cell for the rest of your life” Zelda said with a smile but Link could sense she was being serious,” I will never hurt her” Link said,” I know you won't but just need to make sure about the consequences if you” Zelda said,” We haven't been together for long but I already see a future with her, y/n is perfect in every way, her laugh, her soft skin, her eyes in which I can get lost in and her kisses which can make forget time and space” Link said while looking at the clear sky in front of him, Zelda smiled at him,” It’s good, I was worried that you will die alone surrounded by destruction cause of your recklessness” she said making Link smile awkwardly,” I will unlock my powers and then we can seal ganon away, afterwards you and y/n can have hero’s of your own and I will spoil them like there is no tomorrow” Zelda added making Link blush just stronger.

You returned to your Divine Beast after Purah finished whatever had to be done by the shrine of resurrection. From what you heard Zelda and Link arrived at the spring, you sat done near the main terminal of the beast, your mind filling with things you and Link could do once Ganon is defeated for the time being. Travelling Hyrule would be first on your list, being a champion means only being able to attend the places from where the other champions come from and not being able to explore more as training took most of the time at these places. Maybe even getting married at one of these places could be nice, Link already has promised you forever, marriage just would make it official. Your thought however was interrupted by rumbling of the beast and pink, purple and black smoke showing up from behind you, quickly got up and pulled out your weapon as malice laced beast formed in front of you, he looked like parts of his body were mixed with Sheikah technology, a loud screech erupted from it before he began his attack.

Meanwhile, Link struggled to keep the guardians at bay, his body burned from the injuries given from the guardians, blood was trickling down his mouth, and his broken ribs ached with every breath he took which already was beating irregularly,” Link, I’m sorry, I have failed you. I have failed everyone, the champions... they-”,” Don't finish that sentence, they are strong, they will make it. I know she will” rapid beating from the guardian make Link focus back on it, he was prepared to shoot a laster towards the two hylians and Link was prepared to reflect when he felt Zelda push herself in front of him making tumble on the ground which knocked him out.

Link felt a soft hand caress his face, soft kisses being planted on his jaw,” Link wake up” you said softly with a small giggle. Link did as he was told, finding himself in the field in front of his house, he quickly sat up,” You are alive? I knew you would be... I’m so glad, we made it Ganon is sealed right?” Link asked hopefully grabbing your hand,” Link, I’m here to say goodbye and thank you for everything” you said with a sad smile replacing your smile,” I don't understand?” he said,” Ganon took over the divine beast and placed creations of his to take us out in them. I did my best to return to you but I failed, it was too strong for me... for all of us. I will always look over you Link” you said snuggling into his neck,” Your dead? Nononono, you can't be. How am I alive but you aren't” he said pulling you away from him so he can look into your eyes,” You are the hero chosen by the sword, and I’m just a girl who is good with a sword. You need to live Link, I don’t” you said sadly,” You deserve to live as well”,” The shrine of resurrection only has a spot for one person and it will take years for one person to heal from the wounds you suffered. It is fine Link, you have your duty to Hyrule you need to finish” you smiled tracing his lips,” I miss you so much” he whispered, not wanting to accept your fate but he knows he doesn't have a choice in it,” I love you forever” he added,” Fall in love again once you wake up, maybe even with Zelda, people had bets that the two of you will end up together” you joked,” Me and her where the bigger ship though, so don't get cocky” you joked as a tear slipped from your eye,” I will never love someone more than I love you though” Link said,” You don't have too, just love someone, don't want you to die alone” you said hugging him closer,” Goodbye Link” you said before kissing his lips as you slowly glowed in blue and green light before vanishing.

Zelda held Link’s body against hers, he was barely breathing. Tears were streaming down her dirty cheeks. “ I’m sorry, I ruined everything,” she said burying her into his tarted tunic. “He still can be saved Princess, bring his body to the shrine of Resurrection and then the sword where it first pulled” Zelda shot up at the voice, it was robotic but clearly female,” What?” she softly,” But the hero to sleep in the shrine of Resurrection and then face your destiny Princess,” the voice said, the master sword was glowing,” The voice inside the sword” she smiled softly,” PRINCESS!” a Sheikah soldier screamed,” Bring Link to the Shrine of Resurrection,” Zelda said handing Link of the soldiers,” What about you Princess?”,” I will be facing my destiny but before hand, I need to return this to its place of origin,” she said picking up the master sword.

[tailorvizsla]

You didn't think I wouldn't ask for some Boba Fett though now did you? (Of course not, he is the new shiny for me iuwhei) ✨ HC Of my Choice... What about having your first kiss with Boba and he doesn't #know it is your first one till part-way through or after? Am I projecting? Yes, yes I am.

Title: HC – Boba Fett and First Kiss Pairing: Gender neutral Reader x Boba Fett Word Count: ~1700 Rating: PG-13 Warnings: Boba Fett is a grumpy bastard, but you hold your own against him. Boba also gets injured, but there aren’t any graphic descriptions of the injuries. Author’s Notes: Okay, my Angle, I’ve been thinking about this one for as long as it’s been sitting in my inbox. I’m not familiar with Boba Fett’s character, so I wanted to make sure this was good for you. So, without further ado, here we go with the Big Green Grumpy Jerk who has somehow inexplicably charmed his way into my heart with a few gruff comments.

Tagging @princessbatears because chaos? :>

📚 My Master List 📚

Boba Fett isn’t a man of many words. It’s not that he’s shy or anything – he just doesn’t like talking to people beyond what is necessary. He has worked alone his entire life, so the sound of others’ voices just sort of grates on him. He especially does not like being crowded by people.

So, one day, while doing his thing, he ends up injured. It’s not even due to combat. His jetpack just…sputters out. His beskar’gam turns what should have been a fatal fall into a very painful one. He knows he has broken a lot of bones, but Boba refuses to die like this. He crawls his way back to his bike, calls for medical aid, and prays to the Maker that someone in town will come help him.

You are the only person who does come to help him. Most other people are too afraid of the Imperial remnants to work with a Mandalorian. Others are too afraid of Mandalorians to work with a Mandalorian. You? You are not afraid of much. He is not sure if you are brave or stupid. After splinting the worst of the damage, you get him onto the bike and get him back into town. It is at this point that Boba finds himself leaning toward thinking you are stupidly caring and trusting.

You inject him with bacta – the good kind that makes him giggly, sleepy, and numb – and get to work. When he wakes up, he’s wrapped in an annoying number of casts and splints, but at least he’s still alive. However, you then give him the bad news: the fall has damaged many of the delicate nerves in his back. If he fails to undergo physical therapy, there is a real chance he may never walk again. He’s no medical expert, but when he looks at the scans you took, he knows you aren’t lying.

So, Boba resigns himself to having to deal with you on a regular basis. The first physical therapy exercises are simple, yet they exhaust him to the point where he just passes out. As the days go by, he starts putting up the walls to keep you out. (Spoiler alert: you manage to find your way through the cracks in the wall, annoying him with barely any effort on your behalf.)

Now, under ideal circumstances, this shitshow would end with Boba Fett getting back on his feet, paying you handsomely for the amount of time you have spent getting him put together, and going back to bounty hunting, never to think of you again. But of course, the universe throws an even bigger wrench into his carefully thought-out plans. Someone finds out that you’re taking care of him and a whole bunch of angry townspeople converge on your little clinic. He grabs you and the two of you run. The last thing you see is your clinic going up in flames. (Boba can’t believe the shortsightedness of these people – they’ve driven off their only competent medical professional. What are they going to do next? Kill their only competent mechanic? Di’kute, every last one of them.)

And so, the two of you go off on a merry adventure, annoying the absolute shit out of each other on a regular basis. Boba especially is concerned at how easily you have managed to find every single weak point in his defenses – physical, mental, and emotional. You are a fair shot with your blaster, so when he got fresh with you that one time, telling you that your ass looked downright edible in the trousers you had borrowed from him, you drew your blaster and fired a shot off at his feet. He laughed so hard his bucket nearly fell off. (You are not sure if you are disturbed that he finds being shot at amusing. He does scold you a bit, but you do notice that he does not talk about your ass anymore.)

With your knife? You’re lethal, and he learns that the hard way when he fails to announce his presence behind you. One moment Boba is reaching to touch your shoulder and the next moment, he’s got your elbow in his face and your penknife embedded in his flak vest. Fortunately, the blade’s too short to cause serious damage, but he does not let you forget that you kriffing stabbed him when he was only trying to ask you what you wanted for dinner.

Even though Boba would rather cover himself in tiingilar sauce and crawl back into the sarlacc pit headfirst than ever admit it, the two of you make a damn good team. He goes off to hunt bounties, you stay in town to provide your medical services for a fair fee. Sometimes, when your services are not needed, you’ll hang back at the ship and do some basic accounting to keep him within his budget.

Boba grumbles when you ask to accompany him on a hunt, but he figures you really do need to learn how to defend yourself if anything should happen to him. When the two of you were surrounded by goons, you naturally fell into place behind him, your back to his, covering his shebs while he provides the heavy firepower. When the numbers are thinned to something more manageable, he sets you loose on them, letting you practice your knife skills. And by the Maker, he is impressed with how much you have improved since the last time you stabbed him.

Between hunts, you get his shebs back into fighting shape. Hell, he thinks he’s even better than he was before. The exercises you insist on forcing on him have made him more flexible than he was before, and his bones no longer creak first thing in the morning. One particularly hot, muggy day, you try to make him drink that vile green vegetable concoction you call a smoothie. Smooth his shebs, there are chunks in that liquefied animal feed. Sometimes he wonders if you’re trying to kill him on purpose.

(You don’t know this, but Boba has already arranged for everything in his possession, ships and banking accounts included, to be transferred to you in the event of his death. Hell, he has even started negotiating with a friendly Tribe to make sure you have a home to go to and your pick of their warriors for marriage, should you be interested. Boba justifies it this way: the last time his jetpack mutinied, he ended up several hundred thousand credits in debt to you by his estimation. By ensuring you have a safe place to go, and a family ready to welcome you, he can offset the immeasurable debt he owes you. It hurts to think of this, but Boba genuinely cannot bear the thought of you being alone in this cruel galaxy, the same way he had been when he was a child. So, if he ever does piss you off to the point where you off him in his sleep, you’ll be fine.)

You keep pushing and pushing, insisting that he needs B-vitamins or some other bantha-shit he’s sure you’ve made up for the sole purpose of annoying him. When you start going on about macronutrients and essential vitamins, Boba loses it. He tosses his cutlery down and goes stomping off toward the cockpit. You follow him, blathering on and on about the last blood panel you had pulled – HDLs, LDLs, and a whole slew of acronyms later, he loses it. Rather than snap at you, he shuts you up the only way his poor sleep-deprived brain can come up with.

Boba pushes you up against the wall, gently to avoid hurting you. You don’t seem at all phased. In fact, you start waving the paper at him as you try to draw his attention to his sodium levels. Boba leans in and presses his lips to yours. You finally stop talking, your entire body going stiff in response. He takes a moment to nibble along your lower lip before parting your lips with his, tongue probing a bit deeper in, and you still aren’t responding. Boba draws back and stares down at you. You’re wide-eyed and clearly in shock.

He leans in again. This time you respond clumsily, your hands clutching at that stupid piece of paper. He gently wrestles it out of your grasp and crumples it up. Then he tosses it over his shoulder, not caring where it lands. He cups the back of your head and deepens the kiss. Still, you’re not responding the way he wants, so he draws back.

“What, never been kissed before?” he asks.

Before he can say anything else, he realizes that that was your first kiss. While Boba has never wanted to be anyone’s First Anything, he realizes that he wants to make an exception for you. There’s no one in this entire galaxy who can annoy the shit out of him in one breath and then worry about his health in the next. You are his little baar’ur. After you have wormed your way under his plating and so selfishly made yourself a fixture in his life without his permission? Oh, no, no, you are not going anywhere.

He cuts off your stammering with another kiss. He takes this one slow, moving your hands to where he wants you to touch him – one at his nape, the other at the small of his back, right over that spot that makes his knees weak.

This time, you respond. Slowly, hesitantly, but as you grow more confident, your hands begin to stray. You worm your fingers up the back of his shirt and dig your nails into the sensitive skin there, making him gasp in pleasure. Then you dig your fingers into his long hair and tug lightly, earning a low growl from him. You freeze and stare up at him with wide eyes until he leans back in.

Fortunately, your big smart science brain learns his likes and dislikes very quickly. When he finally pulls away, he finds that he really likes what he sees – your shirt’s rumpled, your hair is sticking up, and your lips are red and swollen from his kisses. Then and there, he makes a vow to make sure you always look like a mess.

(Spoiler alert: quite a few more of your firsts happen right here in the cockpit.)

[michipeachiii]

Y’all want another fucking venting post? Cause this is a fucking venting post. 

SO gets a text from his mom at 5am today, talking bout how she wants to sit down with the both of us to talk. 

Whatever so SO calls her whenever we get up. She doesn’t know I can hear the conversation. Anyways points that were made

SO’s mom claims that I lack initiative and that I don’t try hard enough

She claims that SO is enabling me (I genuinely don’t know what the fuck she’s hinting at. This was said in reference to SO and I sharing chores lmao)

That my lack of doing chores at their house is the reason why my back hurts (again wtf. I shouldn’t be responsible for doing chores at their house when two grown men live there too. Also maybe you shouldn’t be forcing me to do things that hurt my back.)

Saying that all I do is tell SO to do things, like I’m forcing him to do chores. (Not true. And if I do ask him for help it’s because it’s a difficult task for me because of my back or because it’s something that goes by easier with two people. This isn’t me forcing him to do things or ordering him around, or making him do things for me. SO and I share chores and unlike his parents, he actually understands and cares about my physical limitations)

That I don’t do enough chores at their house (Again wtf, I am not your fucking maid.)

That I need to earn my place. (I don’t need to prove shit to anyone especially when you keep moving the goalposts whenever it suits you and your needs.)

Insinuated once again that I am a freeloader. Complaining that we live rent free (the house was paid off over 10 years ago), claiming that they pay all of our utilities (they don’t), complaining that I don’t have a traditional job

“I love her but she needs to change...” and then mentions things I need to change about myself like... not displaying more than one emotion at a time. Seriously. Because heaven forbid that humans are actually multifaceted and complex beings. 

“She likes to talk out both ends of her mouth. She can’t be sad one minute and then mad because (her boyfriend) is getting yelled at the next.” (Again wtf is this even supposed to mean)

Some points I’d like to fucking make for my fucking self. 

People cannot continue to put my health, both mental and physical, in their fucking mouth, and then completely disrespect and stomp all over it the next. You’re either concerned about my wellbeing or convinced that I’m using it as a excuse to not get things done for you (which I can’t even being to explain how egotistical of a fucking take that is). And if you’re so fucking concerned about my wellbeing, how about you don’t take the time to fucking attack me while I’m in the middle of my body having a fucking allergic reaction due to the fucking stress you’re putting me through because you fucking caused it?!!

Also, you can’t fucking say that the money isn’t an issue when you keep bringing up money. You cannot continue the things you claim you did in good faith and as a favor over my head and then say, “it’s not about the money but...” And if it was such a big fucking problem to begin with, you should have said something fucking 2 years ago and not fucking now. You don’t tell me to not worry about it and focus on my business and my health, and then start acting like I’ve been financially irresponsible and accuse me of being a fucking freeloader after 2 years of pretending that things are fine. 

Also how dare you fucking say that I don’t do enough around the house for you? First of all, not my job. Second of all, very much feels like I’m being expected to fully take over the role of SO’s mom while she’s sick and like I’m being expected to fill this role of “provider” for everyone... Like. No. I do things I’m not even asked to do, I do things I’m asked to do, I ask if there’s anything to do, and both his parents make it seem like everything is fine. So to turn around and then claim that I’m not doing enough??? Baffling. Again, what else am I being expected to do, wipe the dad’s ass for him? 

When I tell you that I want to fucking SCREAM... 🙃

[sidespart]

Sibling Culture

Summary: Younger siblings Patton, Virgil and Roman share some stories about their older siblings Deceit, Logan and Remus. Patton and Virgil’s stories are cute. Roman’s are not.

Warnings: Abuse, Unsympathetic Remus, Non graphic descriptions of abuse, Not great understanding of mental health issues (child POV), authority figures not being very useful, child being exposed to sexual situations (very much not graphic). Ask if you want me to add more. 

Relationships: Gen, but a bit of pre-relationship moxiety snuck in because I love them

“Hey, how’d you get that scar?”

Despite the warm day, Roman felt cold grip his insides, twisting upwards towards his throat and freezing any denial he could think of until he was startled by a laugh from Patton.

“Oh! It was Dee’s fault.”

Wincing, Roman twisted himself so he could see the other two properly. Patton was still sprawled out on the grass next to him, but Virgil had sat up. He was hunched over, peering at Patton’s leg. When he saw Roman carefully sit up to join him he pointed at a faded sliver of a scar, just above Patton’s left knee.

“What did he DO?” Virgil face had shifted into a scowl at the mention his ‘arch enemy’ but that faded quickly as Patton started giggling.

“It was when I was …four? I think? He convinced me the Easter Bunny didn’t come to our house because the Easter Fox lived in our yard. I had to go out and patrol the yard, make sure it was safe, or I wouldn’t get any candy that year.”

-It said something about years of friendship with both Patton and Devin Sanders that neither Roman or Virgil thought to question that logic-

“Anyway he let me stomp around there for ever and then he jumped out in this fox mask to scare me!”

“This kind’ve thing is why he’s a dick” Virgil muttered. His hand, Roman noticed, was still on Patton’s leg, thumb swiping idly over the scar.

“He was nine, Vee” Patton said reprovingly, although he didn’t actually deny the comment, “anyway, he didn’t know I’d snuck a knife from the dishwasher-

“You WHAT?-”

“A KNIFE?-”

“-there was candy AND a bunnys life a stake, guys I was taking it seriously!” Patton’s eyes were sparkling with laughter at the twin looks of horror on his friends faces. “Anyway, he startled me so bad that of course I dropped it right away – sliced my knee up as it fell.”

“oh my God” Virgil groaned finally relinquishing Patton’s leg so he could bury his face in his hands. “That could have been so bad Pat.”

“what did Devin do?” Roman asked quietly.

���oh, he freaked – Virgil will you come out of there I’m fine – yelled so loud both our parents came running. Then, once I was all bandaged up, he tried to convince them I fell off a skateboard.”

That was enough to make Virgil peak through his fingers, a frown on his face “Did you ever even own a skateboard?”

Patton shifted himself so he was sitting up as well, an extremely solemn look on his face.

“We did not.”

There was a brief, pregnant pause before all three of them cracked up, their laughter echoing across Vigil’s yard.

“Older brothers are the worst.” Virgil pronounced. Despite the heat of the day he was still wearing his thick hoodie over a t-shirt and jeans, but now he started pushing up his right sleeve “Did I ever tell you about the time Logan threw me out of the tree house?”

“He what??!” Roman yelped.

“He would NEVER!” Patton gasped.

“He did” Virgil held his right arm up, revealing a long puckered line that ran from his mid forearm across his elbow. “It was before either of you moved here, I had a cast and everything”

All three of them took a moment to admire Virgil’s scar, much more raised and defined than Patton’s, before Roman asked the question they were no doubt all thinking:

“What colour was your cast?”

“Purple.”

“Nice.”

“Did Logan really push you Virgil?” Roman had to do his absolute best not to laugh at the pout that appeared on Virgil’s face when he took in Patton’s heartbroken expression.

Logan McAlister, was four years older than the three friends and Patton had fixated on him the moment they’d met. Roman has spent years watching Patton go from hero worship to puppy love to full blown crush all while Virgil stomped along next to him like a gloomy, jealous, storm cloud.

Not that Virgil would ever admit that it was jealousy making him snap and snarl at his brother whenever his friends came around…but their relationship certainly seemed to become more civil once Patton had gotten over his crush.

Roman couldn’t really blame Patton either. Virgil had never said anything and Logan…Logan was cool.

“He built a plane.” Virgil muttered eventually, shoving his sleeve back into place. “or a glider or…something. A box with a sheet stuck too it anyway. We both sat in it and he pushed us out of there.” He pointed towards the somewhat dilapidated tree house nestled in the tallest tree in the yard.

Roman let out a low whistle. Now that the three of them were quickly approaching seventeen they had physically, if not mentally, started to outgrow the tree house. Which meant it was no longer useful for much beyond lying down almost on top of each other during study sessions or lazy afternoon naps. When Roman had first met Virgil at age ten however it had seemed enormous. And very high up. It would have seemed even higher whenever the Ill-fated glider attempt had happened.

‘Were you scared?” he asked, watching Virgil carefully, but the other boy just shrugged.

“I don’t remember much to be honest. We were both pretty small.” He grinned. “I just remember afterwards. Logan kept coming into my room to sneak me chips and read his Physics text book to me”

“Aww! That so sweet!”

“Such a nerd.”

“Yeah.” Virgil ducked his head a little, apparently agreeing with both statements. He plucked a few strands of grass from the lawn, twisting them between his fingers.

Roman glanced at Patton, concerned. They both knew Virgil missed his brother, away at college and not due for a visit for at least a month. They also knew that asking him directly about it was a guaranteed way to get the emo to tense up.

Just as Roman was debating launching himself into a rendition of Black Parade as a distraction Virgil rolled his shoulders a looked up at him.

“Your turn.”

That cold grip he’d felt when he thought Virgil had noticed one of his scars was suddenly back ten fold.

“Oh…”

That made sense. Patton had shared a dumb sibling story. Then Virgil. Now it was his turn. It was only fair.

“Well…”

Roman was suddenly finding it quite difficult to breath. And to think. What was he supposed to tell them?

“I…”

He sat frozen. While two expectant faces stared at him, he racked his brain for a story to tell.

  -

When they’re seven Roman draws out his first story. Crude renderings of superheroes and scientists and scientist-superheroes in the rainforest. it’s boring Remus complains when he sees it. You’re boring Ro’. Make them fight! No - make ‘em smash that guys head in!

No! Roman shouts and Remus scowls. Grabs at the craft scissors lying on the table and jumps towards Roman; trying to both rip the paper out of his hands and cut it to pieces at the same time whilst Roman screams and screams.

Later, their mother gently cleans the tiny scratches on Romans hand whilst Remus sulks at the table. He started it Remus mutters and Roman feels his mothers arms tighten around him. Protective.

 - 

When they’re nine they get taken on a trip to the public pool in the next town. This pool is bigger than their local one with slides and pool toys and jets. The two of them spend a happy hour chasing each other with pool noodles and racing each other in the water. And then Remus pushes Romans head underwater and holds him down until his lungs are burning so badly he opens his mouth. He spends their last precious minutes of the trip hacking and spluttering. Clinging to the pools edge with his brothers laughter ringing in his ears.

 -

When they’re eleven Remus sneaks into his room at night with their fathers laptop tucked securely under his arm. Wakes Roman up by crashing onto the bed next to him and says look what I found!

Roman isn’t really sure what he’s found at first. The sounds off, presumably to avoid alerting their parents in the room next door, the websites unfamiliar – it takes a few seconds for the pulsing blobs to be recognisable as people and when they do YURGHH! Roman shrikes slams the laptop closed whilst Remus howls with laughter what were they doing to that woman?!

what were they – oh my god your such a pussy Roman don’t you know? Let me show you another one-

NO

Roman kicks and punches and shoves trying to get Remus away from him and Remus is laughing laughing laughing until he isn’t. Until their parents are in the room, shouting, trying to separate them and Remus is using the laptop like a bludgeon, slamming the edge into Romans ribs, each hit punctuated with Why! Do! You! Ruin! Everything!

The next day Virgil asks if he wants to come and play in the tree house and Roman says no. He has to be home early. Visitors. Virgil accepts the lie easily and Roman tries not to breath to deeply.

  -

The thing is you cant blame Remus. You’re not allowed. Not really. 

There’s something wrong with him.

What that something is seems to change often depending on which adult you ask. Every few months their parents bring Remus back from a new therapist with a new diagnosis and a new bottle of pills and big grins because THIS time they’re going to fix him.

  -

When they’re twelve Romans mother smiles at him and says Your such a good boy Roman. You keep me going. Their mother doesn’t smile much these days and the sight of it is almost as good as the praise. I know its hard. It must be so frustrating for you.

Last month Remus had convinced an older boy to gift him a box of cigarettes. That morning he’d  found them again and finally tried to smoke them, recruiting a reluctant Roman to keep watch. When he’d gagged on the taste he’d made exaggerated vomiting noises before stuffing the still burning end into Romans palm.

But we’re all in this together. You know?

Roman knows. He wants to help. He decides that unless the injury is bad enough he can’t fix it himself he simply wont tell his parents. He wants to help keep them going.

  -

When they’re thirteen Remus watches some murder mystery show and decides to burn his fingerprints off on the kitchen stove. We should do yours too! Shoving his mangled thumb under Romans nose. The smell makes Roman gag. Remus’ eyes are fever bright. We could be partners in crime!

 -

When they’re fourteen Remus decides he wants white streaks in his hair. And since they’re twins Roman should too. His attempt to bleach Romans hair as he sleeps leads to ruined sheets and a smattering of chemical burns across his neck and shoulders. He tells Patton it was a cooking accident and invests his saved allowance in jackets with high starched collars.

 -

When they’re fifteen he tells someone.

Their school has an assembly. Some outside company performing a play about abusive relationships. The teachers all have their sombre This Is A Serious Topic Don’t You Dare Laugh faces on as the actors work. Roman watches closely, picking up on all the false steps and poorly delivered lines which he would surely have avoided if he was an actor. The story is about a school girl who gets into a relationship with an older man who turns abusive. All throughout the play she drops increasingly massive hints to her friends and family who blithely ignore her until she dies spectacularly and loudly in the final scene.

On one side of Roman, Patton is fully sobbing. On the other Virgil is quite possibly asleep. The actors come out to a smattering of applause (lead overly enthusiastically by Patton) and launch in to a pre-prepared speech. Remember the signs! Tell a parent or teacher if you’re in trouble! If you suspect your friend is in trouble! Abuse can happen to anyone! Abusers can BE anyone!

Huh. Roman thinks afterwards.

He probably doesn’t count if it’s a sibling though.

Remus isn’t a stranger. Like the man in the play. And they’re the same age.

Still.

The next day he feels like he’s in a trance.

He takes his jacket off in his first class. Art. Pat and Virgil aren’t in this class with him. Better that way.

There are bruises on his forearms. Dark splotches which are so so obviously made by fingers.

He waits. One minute. Two.

Roman! His teacher is in front of him, faster than he anticipated, alarmed look on his face. What happened to your arm?

Stay in the trance. No shaking. M-my brother did it. He wanted the TV remote.

A pause that seems to last and hour and then his teachers’ laughing a shaky laugh. Smiles at him exasperated but fond. Roman aren’t you two a little too old to be roughhousing like that?

Right

It doesn’t count.

You can’t be abused by a sibling. A few cuts, bruises, scars – that’s just sibling culture baby. Virgil and Patton have stories too – you don’t see them freezing up. Complaining

Don’t be a pussy Roman.

He puts his jacket back on and keeps it on for the rest of the day.

 -

When they’re sixteen Remus comes home for the weekend, sits at the kitchen table and asks if Roman wants to hang out.

-Remus goes to a special school for behaviourally challenged students and only comes back every other weekend. Their parents cried when he left. Thought they’d failed. Felt devastated. Roman didn’t feel much of anything and wonders if that makes him a bad person-

Remus is calmer these days but Roman still says no. He has plans with his friends. Oh yes. Remus rolls his eyes Paddington Bore and the Virgin.

Roman glares at him. Don’t call them that. Even though that’s basically affectionate, for Remus. And Remus looks at him for a long moment before nodding. Standing up, shoving the table hard into Roman’s hip leaving him gasping in pain.

By the time he’s limped his way to Virgil’s house the sun is high in the sky. Patton suggests lazy nap time in the tree house and just looking at the ladder makes Roman want to vomit.

It’s such a beautiful day Padre he crys, lets lie amongst the wildflowers like the majestic forest nymphs we are.

Its literally just grass Virgil sighs but Patton laughs and Roman lowers himself stiffly down. Carefully keeps the pain out of his face as his hip makes contact with the ground. Turns away from them whilst he grits his teeth through it, ostensibly napping until Virgil says

Hey, how’d you get that scar?

   -

“Roman?”

Virgil and Patton were both staring at him. Shit Roman thought. How long had he been day-dreaming? Day-reminiscing? Day-

“Earth to Roman.” Patton again, there was crinkle of concern between his eyebrows and that wouldn’t do at all.

“Well-“ Roman boomed in his best dramatic bellow, what Virgil call his ‘Prince Roman’ voice: “I am afraid I will have to disappoint you my friends, twins are not bound by your foolish ‘older sibling’ ‘younger sibling’ stereotypes”

“I mean, technically, one of you is the older sibling” Virgil muttered while Patton laughed “you’re seriously telling me neither of you ever did something dumb and got the other one hurt?”

“Virgil Madelaine McAlister-“

“Not my middle name.”

“-I will have you know that I have never done anything dumb. Ever. In my life!” he punctuated that statement with a dramatic point to the heavens. Patton was now laughing hard enough that Roman was fairly sure he should be offended and Virgil was fighting a smirk.

“You really never fight?”

“We’re a united front.” Drop it, drop it please just drop it he chanted internally.

And then, miracle of miracles, Virgil did. Letting himself flop back to the ground with a soft ‘humph’.

“It must be nice to have a twin” Patton said a little wistfully. Careful he arranged himself back on the ground so his head was cushioned on Virgil’s stomach. “you’re basically born with a ready-made friend!”

“And you get to do everything together” Virgil murmured a faint blush on his face and one hand hovering in the vicinity of Patton’s hair. “No one has to get left behind when one goes off to college.”

Roman glanced down at him, worried, but Virgil just met his gaze softly, one side of his mouth pulling up into one of his rare sweet smiles. “You’re so lucky Roman.”

Roman nodded. Ignored the quick flare of pain in his hip as he laid himself back down in the grass. He let out a contented sigh as the warmth of the ground sunk into his bones, soothing the ache

“Very lucky.” He agreed quietly.

[prorevenge]

Coworker tried to get me fired over breast implants, so I pulled a reverse uno card.

4 years ago now, when I was 24, my mum died of breast cancer, and as both my grandmothers had also died of it I saw a specialist for a screening. I found out I had some cells in one of my breasts that could have turned cancerous at any given moment.

I was told I had a few options:

I could have regular screenings every 3 or 4 months until it does develop into cancer (I was told the risk of the cells becoming cancerous was very high due to family history) but it could also potentially never could turn so I'd just be getting these screenings for no reason

I could get a single mastectomy on the breast with the bad cells, but they'd need to keep an eye on the other one, so I'd still need regular checkups for the other breast

I could get a bilateral mastectomy and remove all of my breast tissue, basically eliminating the risk.

I went for the bilateral mastectomy. It was admittedly the most drastic option but after seeing what cancer did to my mum and grandmothers I didn't want to risk it.

I was warned about scarring but told it should be fairly minor. It wasn't and I was left with 2 huge, pink, jagged scars on either side of my chest, each about an inch long and half an inch wide, and it caused me to go into a severe depression, where it got to the stage of me not even leaving my flat because I didn't want people to see me, throwing out my mirrors, and getting physically sick looking at myself.

I went to a therapist, who suggested a plastic surgeon. The therapist said they'd never normally do that but it was clearly something I was struggling with and I might never get over it, and the therapist could see why I struggle with it. Although I'll admit the therapist did send me to ask about scar reduction. The plastic surgeon suggested a cream, a laser or implants. The cream didn't work, and the laser was both expensive and risky, so I went with the implants. My natural boobs were an F cup so I went with a slightly smaller DD. Since then my mental health has improved and I feel a lot better about the way I look. My confidence has gone up, as has my self esteem. I know I shouldn't put so much into my appearance but I wasn't exaggerating about these scars. Huge, bright pink, jagged, raised, just really awful to look at and I hated seeing myself, and they are now nicely hidden away and you can barely feel them.

​

In the present day, I'm 28 years old and working in an office. I'm doing a lot better than I was. My coworker, Jill, found out I'd had a boob job (but not about the cancer thing), when myself and my friend from years before the mastectomy were planning a holiday and she made a joke about me going on a plane with my implants, and Jill overheard. By the end of the day, the entire office knew I'd had a boob job, but not why, and half a dozen people confirmed Jill had told them.

Over the next few months Jill made many "jokes" and comments about my chest to coworkers when I was in earshot, at one point saying I had "more plastic than Barbie" and calling me "fake in two ways". I didn't hear this one myself but a friend in the office told me that Jill had at one point referred to me as a "sack of silicone".

IDK what her problem was exactly but at one point she mentioned the NHS so I assume Jill thought that I'd got my tits done for free on taxpayer money (I'd gotten the mastectomy on NHS but gone private for therapy and implants).

I asked her to stop more than once, but unfortunately the places I'd talked to her were places like the lift and the women's bathroom, where there weren't any cameras, and Jill just kept making comments no matter how often I asked her not to. I wouldn't say it was every single day, but I heard at least 3 comments per week for 3 months.

I hit my breaking point when me, Jill and a few other coworkers were having lunch, I referred to something as being shallow and Jill said "you'd know all about being shallow" while gesturing to my chest. I snapped.

I said "do you know why I have these? A few years ago the doctors found potentially cancerous cells in my breast tissue, I was advised to get a mastectomy and was left with huge ugly scars on my chest. I went to see a therapist who sent me to a cosmetic surgeon, who advised me to get implants to hide the scars, and I did just so I could look at myself in the mirror without crying. So maybe next time you want to judge someone for having cosmetic surgery, you should ask them why they had it first". And feeling like that was a mic drop moment I picked up my food and left.

For the rest of the day I had about 1/3 of my office come up to me and offer support, and the rest tell me that Jill was just joking around and I was being a bitch. I replied that Jill was being a bitch long before I was.

I then got an email from HR saying they wanted to talk to me the following day, and when I called for clarification they mentioned a "hostile work environment" (note: this is apparently an American term and holds little weight in England but it's what was said over the phone). I knew the person who signed off the email and I'd spoken to. Her name was Debbie, and she was Jill's friend in HR so I was fairly confident on who had reported me.

​

I realised that if this was already being sent to HR, I needed as much ammunition as possible, so I went about collecting my information.

As Debbie had dealt with me so far, it was safe to assume she would be the person reviewing the complaint with me, and if that was true I was fucked. However, I vaguely remembered a section on complaints that was in my contract when I first signed with the company. I flicked through the contract and there was a part in complaints section that said I was contractually allowed to request a change of reviewer if I felt my allocated reviewer was biased. It was called an "impartial overseer". I photocopied the page and highlighted that part.

Then I messaged the people who had offered their support over facebook, and said basically "HR have asked to see me. Do any of you remember Jill insulting me to your face and are you willing to write and sign something saying what you heard and when?". Not everyone was willing to help as Jill is somewhat feared in the office due to her befriending HR and management but about 20 people were willing to help me.

I guessed roughly when I'd asked Jill to stop previously (the 4 asks over the last few months, some timings were easy to guess as they'd happened on my break or when I'd first arrived at work) and I wrote them all down, along with a rough time of when the lunchroom confrontation happened and a list of names of who was there for the lunchroom confrontation.

​

I got to work slightly early the next morning. I went round everyone who had messaged me and most of them managed to give me a printed and signed letter (some didn't manage to write one but nbd). This isn't exact words as there's 16 letters to sum up here but the gist was:

"My name is [their name]. I work with Jill Lastname and OP. On [date] at [time] (approx), I spoke with Jill Lastname, during which she referred to OP as [quoted insult]. I felt this was inappropriate as it directly related to OP's appearance and am willing to go on record further to establish that Jill Lastname has been discussing OP in the workplace in the same manner for 3 months now, causing me discomfort and creating what I feel is a hostile work environment. Signed [their name]"

I wound up with about 16 letters, all from different people, and one of them was in the lunchroom for my conversation with Jill. Some even had bulletpointed lists of everything Jill had said to them about me or other people, as it turns out Jill has issues with a lot of people's appearances. She apparently made comments about one coworker's weight, and something antisemitic about a different coworker's nose, all of which were put in these letters. There are about 45 people in the office so while 16 wasn't a majority, it's still a decent amount. The letters weren't hugely long, most were only a paragraph, but they had all the necessary information.

​

I was asked to come to HR at 10am. I took the letters from coworkers, the photocopy of the page in my contract, and my dates and times in a little folder with me.

I got there and Debbie was the one overseeing the interview. She got up from her desk, ready to lead me into another room.

I immediately turned to the other HR worker that was currently there and said "so is my meeting with you, then?"

Debbie said "no, you're with me."

I replied that this wouldn't sit well with me, as "my contract states I have a right to an impartial overseer" and as I said this I took the contract page out of my folder. Debbie read it (I wouldn't let her take the paper when there was a shredder so close by) and said she could be impartial. I replied that I really didn't mean to be a pain, but I had it on good authority that the person on the other end of this complaint is her friend, and my contract does say I'm allowed an impartial overseer.

Debbie stomped off to get Supervisor. Supervisor asks how I know she can't be impartial and I tell him that I have it on good authority that the Jill, who was on the other end of this complaint, is a close friend of Debbie. He asked Debbie if this was true, to which she only replied "I can be impartial".

Supervisor took a deep breath, asked the other HR rep to come with him, and the four of us all went to review the complaint. I thanked them for being so accommodating (I was worried I'd annoyed them), Debbie took out the complaint and all 3 of them went through it with me. Debbie looked homicidal the whole time the interview was happening, as she had clearly anticipated firing me (or at least recommending me being fired).

​

The interview went something like this. It took like over half an hour and they kept asking me the same questions but phrased different ways so this is a really drastically condensed version.

Q: You said outside that you think Jill Lastname reported you. Why is this?

A: Jill has had an issue with me for about 3 months now

Q: Why didn't you come to us when you realised Jill had an issue?

A: I had no issue with her

Q: What issue does Jill have with you?

A: Four years ago a specialist identified potentially cancerous cells in my breast tissue. I had surgery to remove my breast tissue, thereby removing the cells and the risk. After the surgery I was left with large scars on my chest. I went to a therapist for low self esteem and depression. The therapist suggested a plastic surgeon who suggested breast implants to cover my scars. All of this is in my medical history which you have a copy of in my file and my full permission to review. Jill found out about my breast implants but didn't know about the cancer. Jill had a problem with my breast implants, and decided to communicate this problem to our coworkers.

Q: Why do you feel this is true?

A: Here's 16 signed statements all from different coworkers, all testifying that Jill told the entire office I'd had breast implants on the day she found out and has since made comments about these implants frequently. They have quotes of what Jill said to them about it and rough dates and times.

Q: Rough dates and times?

A: No one knew this would be escalated to such an extent so no one really took notes as and when it happened.

Q: What event or events do you think directly led to this complaint of harassment?

A: For me harassment began when Jill told everyone about my breast implants without my consent, but as to the complaint placed against me, it would probably be what happened at about [time] yesterday in the lunch room. Jill made a comment about me being shallow while gesturing to my breasts and I replied by giving her an abridged version of my relevant medical history and ending with a comment about the importance of getting the full story. There are cameras in the lunch room, so I'm sure you'll be able to find that conversation. I'll admit I could have handled the situation better, but after 3 months I felt I had to put my foot down. Here's a list of names of people who were also present. There were 6 people at the table, including myself and Jill. One of these people is also in those letters, and has written their account of the conversation and signed it.

Q: Had you had a conversation with Jill prior to this regarding her comments about you?

A: Several, spaced out over the last 3 months. Each time I communicated to her that I felt uncomfortable and upset with these comments she was making and would appreciate it if she were to stop.

Q: To your knowledge, was Jill made aware of your former cancer at any point in this time?

A: No. It wasn't mentioned in the conversation with my friend she overheard and I didn't tell her because frankly it's none of her business and I did not feel the need to detail my medical history to a coworker in order to avoid further sexual harassment.

Supervisor stands up and says "well I think we're done here". He shakes my hand and sends me back to my desk saying that I'd hear from them after they reviewed the evidence (letters, CCTV, medical history and anything they had already) and made a decision on the case.

​

I got back to my desk, pulled up my CV, and prepared to start the job search again.

About an hour goes by, then the person who wrote the letter and was there for the lunchroom conversation gets called for a meeting with HR. They come back 10ish minutes later.

The other people who were also there for the lunchroom conversation get called one by one, except Jill. All of them are gone for about 10 minutes then come back, find a coworker, and say that HR wants to see them.

Then the people who wrote letters but weren't there yesterday are also called one by one and are each gone for about 10 minutes each, some longer, some shorter. By about 3:30 it looks like everyone who wrote a letter or was there in the lunch room has been interviewed.

Then, finally, Jill gets called in. She's gone for about 30 minutes and comes back fuming. She glares at me while I work, but I ignore her.

4:30ish, Jill gets called into HR again. 5 pm rolls around, everyone is either leaving or getting ready to leave, when Jill storms back into the office. She glares at me the whole time she packs up her desk. She then starts telling anyone who will listen that I got her fired before shoving her way onto the lift.

An email comes in from HR. My case is closed.

(source) story by (/u/3240278189)

[felassanis]

WHY FENHAWKE IS IMPORTANT. FENRIS ANALYSIS.

(I’m not saying you have to romance fenris, if you do not like fenris you do you boo boo romance a fucking candelstick. I just have to put this ‘disclaimer’ even tho it’s obvious, cuz we have easily offended geezers up in this fandom who have accused me before of having ‘acted superior with my romance choice’ and all that bollocks.)

Kinda long, kinda detailed, but I had a lot of fun thinking about this. Also, I am not analysing Rivalmance, I am analysing scenes and dialogue from Fenris’s ‘nicemance’’ mentions of mental illness but nothing triggering.

Fenris’s story in Dragon Age II has a outer layer and an inner layer. The outer layer is of course fighting for his freedom. Becoming a free man is his conscious desire. In order to get this Fenris will do anything from never staying in one place for too long to killing anyone that comes after him. This ‘becoming a free man’ is the obvious story regarding Fenris. It’s the first thing we learn about his arc: The slave who wants to be free. And it’s up to our Hawke to help him achieve that.

But, we also have what I call the ‘true story’. His inner layer or ‘subconscious’ desire surrounds the element of revenge, overcoming trauma and learning to move on. It’s the story of Fenris we will eventually learn about and slowly uncover as the game progresses. 

Fenris deep down wants to move on. It’s not just about being free, Fenris knows he wants to be free. He is fully aware of that. What he doesn’t acknowledge however, is that in order to be truly free he’s got to learn to accept what has happened to him, accept it was out of his control and accept that it is in the past. But....he won’t. 

I will admit, Fenris’s speech can be hella emo and overdramatic, the way he talks is extremely gothic novella and the writers could have done a better job at showing not telling. But, the reason he talks the way he does about ‘plagues in his heart’ and whatnot, is to exemplify the complete and utter turmoil this elf possesses. You can tell he’s thought about it a lot, because he talks so poetically that you can’t help but think ‘no one naturally talks likes this’ it shows he has overthought the emotions his past has caused at great lengths. I guess, you could analyse it as ‘no one talks that way, unless they’ve rehearsed it’ which yes, I think he has rehearsed it to some degree. Not to sound purposefully broody and meloncholic just for the aestheitc; he just knows with full clarity how it makes him feel and he’s able to describe it naturally in that articulated manner. 

I highly doubt he even knows he’s doing it honestly, his speech is very different from the other characters. Anders for example also suffers from trauma and mental health, but he doesn’t speak like this. For Fenris it just comes naturally...

Every time we talk to Fenris before spending the night with him is about slavery. We find him running from slavers, we kick down the doors to hunt down his slave master and he talks to Hawke about what has happened to him regarding his days of being a slave. The topic of slavery is heavily ingrained into his character but the game isn’t doing that because Bioware wants you to think ‘OOH he’s so angsty and broody! He’s such a tormented soul don’t you just love him?!’ Nah, Bioware is merely saying that this character’s past was so horrifying that he simply cannot get over it. He talks about it so much because it has engulfed him; he’s not free of the chains as Flemeth said. 

The ‘chains’ she’s referring to is that ‘slavery’ has very much swallowed his whole identity. He’s not yet willing to claw his way out of the jaw of his past. He’s both unwilling and likely unaware he talks about it so much with Hawke.

The only other conversation where it’s not heavily discussed is when him and Hawke discuss the theme of home in his first one on one. It becomes very clear that Fenris has not had a home in a long time due to being on the run, he asks Hawke why they haven’t returned to Ferelden and nearly every option Hawke has is pretty much ‘Kirkwall isn’t so bad, I’ve built a life here’ or ‘my family is here, I have roots’ to which Fenris will sound...longing. Exhibiting a clear desire to have his own place to call home, yet he won’t come out and say it. Hawke says “It sounds like you want to settle down,” and Fenris will respond “I could see myself staying, for the right reasons,” and I just...look, he is deliberately giving himself an out when he says that. ‘The right reasons’ is a clever way of Fenris setting up an escape plan for when his paranoia inevitably settles in and it’s time to pack up and move on. ‘The right reasons,’ yeah, we both know Fenris, that when you decide it’s time to go you can then just be like ‘I haven’t found the right reason to stay’ and run. But the reason you haven’t found the right reason to stay, is because you are not MAKING a reason to stay! 

Moreover, his second one on one? Where if you flirted with him he’s like ‘You’re amazing, but I’m a slave...why would you want me?’ here, Hawke is beginning to represent that ‘right reason’...a reason he could stay, and that gives him some food for thought, as well as some potential fear...This is repeated when the flirting gets a bit more heated durng the second conversation. Where’s he drunk (I think?) and him and Hawke dance around ‘getting to know each other’ only for Fenris to suddenly back out.

A good quote, ‘if you feel as though you have no place in the world, you must make one,’ is something I think resonates with this elf. He doesn’t have a purpose in the world, he is on the run constantly with his past eating away at him. But he does want purpose, he’s just unable to grasp it. His story is about carving himself a new purpose, a new future.

Now, obviously...Fenris can’t really settle down. Not until he’s stopped being hunted which will only occur when Danarius is dead. I’m obviously not glossing over that and saying ‘Fenris is a bitch who won’t move on’ that’s not what I’m saying AT ALL. He has good reason to not stay in one place and he has good reason to paranoid. But, Danarius and the slavers? that’s not the inner conflict that I’m trying to analyse. Danarius and the slavers are an obstacle, they are the physical hurdles he has to jump over. So, yeah I know Fenris cannot do any of what I have said because of those hurdles, but he also can’t do any of that until he’s dealt with his inner conflict; which as I said before is him learning to move on and accepting the past.

The inner conflict NOT BEING ADDRESSED is exactly why after he kills Hadriana he feels EMPTY. In the moment that he is face to face with someone that caused him so much pain; she bullied him to no end and like any person Fenris loses it. All those years of abuse...he has the chance to exact his revenge and he does it. However, after being consumed with hatred for so long and at such an intensity...what is left? Now she’s dead...he feels nothing.

I want to point out that Fenris says ‘I couldn’t let her go, I wanted to...but I couldn’t’ at first I when I heard this line I was a bit confused. But thinking about it, Hadriana isn’t just a character in Dragon Age. In Fenris’s story she represents a chapter in his lifethat Fenris THOUGHT HE HAD CLOSED. He says ‘This hate...I thought I had gotten rid of it’ Hadriana represents Fenris’s rage...Hadriana while a complete fucking bitch, isn’t Danarius. Danarius is the one that haunts Fenris. While I have no doubt that she deserved to die, and I shudder to think what she might have done, she isn’t as bad as Danarius. Fenris...could have let her go, and if he had done then it would have represented some ounce of moving on...but he kills her, he gives into his rage and kills her. 

Fenris had convinced himself that he was over it to some degree, but he isn’t. So once her blood laments his hands, it is a revelation to him. A scary one...and that is why he feels ‘disquiet’. Or alternatively, you could see it as Fenris perhaps ALWAYS knowing he was not over his hate deep down, but Hadriana finally brought it to light. His hate has always been quelling inside of him, but it’s only really after Hadriana, does Fenris finally fucking realise it. So when it’s revealed to him, it becomes too much for him to handle hence why he stomps off leaving the party. Thus, beginning Act 2 of Fenris’s story...

Sorry for all of that, but now I’M GOING TO TALK ABOUT HAWKE.

After he leaves the party, you will find Fenris at Hawke’s estate waiting for them. Now that hot, emotional fury has lifted from his senses he’s ready to be nice again and say sorry. 

After apologising; Hawke as concerned as always, asks him if he’s okay...and Fenris, without being drunk, will be completely honest with Hawke. He will confess the conflict he is feeling, he’ll describe what Hadriana made him feel and he will confess how her death left an emptiness inside of him...I don’t doubt that Fenris is a reserved person. He’s not one to voice his problems and past. While the entire cast of DAII know Fenris was a slave, I feel like only Hawke truly knows the details. However gory. The Fog Warriors story truly shows how much trust he has for Hawke, that isn’t a story that paints him as the good guy...yes, to some degree he was a victim but he did murder people who only wanted to help, who were willing to fight for his freedom. The Fog Warriors are parallel to Hawke, they were people he respected and looked up to just as he does with Hawke yet he killed them. Him telling that story...my god, imagine how hard that must be. Hawke is doing the same thing for him that the Fog Warriors did, but he trusts Hawke so much that he feels like they should know. 

Back to the romance scene, he is completely vulnerable in that moment. After his rant he has a moment of clarity and realises he’s distanced himself from the original goal of meeting up with Hawke. They’re so easy to talk to he forgot himself. So, he’s about to leave. Until Hawke reaches out for him.

THE KISS SCENE, wow...ok. The armour design defintely had a hand in it, we know his arms are showed off in that armour because he’s not keen on hiding them, he won’t hide from the slavers who know exactly what those markings mean. 

Hawke grabs HIS SKIN. As they try to stop him from leaving they touch his skin...

Back with Hadriana when Hawke can reach out for him, they grab his shoulder, the part of him that’s cladded in thick leather (or whatever the heck it’s made out of)...nothing happens. HERE THEY TOUCH HIS SKIN. All that SPIKY armour! And Hawke is close enough to Fenris that they can reach out and touch his bare arm. 

He glows, and while it can be speculated, the lyrium seems to briefly cloud his mind and instinctively he seems to think he’s being hurt, on reflex he slams Hawke against the wall. He appears angry, hostile...could be the lyrium defending him...but it’s probably more to do with physical abuse....

I love seeing that blue cloud fade from his eyes, as he slowly slips back to reality and processes what has just happened. His animation shows him stepping back, slowly because he must be thinking ‘I have just made this worse, I came here to apologise, and these damn markings just made me attack Hawke’ in this moment Hawke sees Fenris in a state. The Lyrium, the ‘magic that has spoiled him’ took over...he probably thinks they ought to be mortified. But instead? Hawke kisses him.

Hawke has seen him in the state he probably feels disgusted by. There’s no way this hasn’t happened before, where he’s lost control. And he probably feels akin to a mage succumbing to a demon. But Hawke...Hawke just loves him, and wants to make him feel loved. They saw that flicker of horror in his eye as he pinned them against the wall, and they just would want to blow it out. 

Of course Fenris is going to reciprocate. There’s no one he respects more, no one he trusts more (nor fancies more :) ) and after he did what he did they still kiss him. Finally, it is here that Hawke represents a future, and for that night he’s willing to have a taste of that future. To feel happy and loved, to forget about his past and focus on Hawke...

Then, the past comes to bite him in the arse.

He remembers his life before the the lyrium. Suddenly, without warning it is then stolen from him. He lost his life TWICE.

He lost it twice because of the Lyrium, the lyrium inflicted upon him by Danarius, the Magister who fucking...well, you know. The Magister who enslaved him and others and who has been sending out slavers to hunt him down, the very same slavers Hawke and Fenris fought that very day...the slavers that ambushed him and Hawke.

See where I’m going with this? Fenris recollecting his memories only to lose them is a double edged sword. One side, it’s clearly devastating and anyone would be disturbed if their whole life just vanished so suddenly. And if being with Hawke is just going to repeat that then you can’t blame him for wanting to end it. But also, Hawke? This human that represents a potential future? Being with them made him remember the past, the past he is still haunted by and clings to. How can he have a future with someone when being with them is tainted by the past?

I had a whole rant about this in another post so I won’t ramble too long since this post is already a thicc bitch but...Fenris cannot delve into a relationship with Hawke. He isn’t ready for the committment when he’s still being haunted by the past, both physically and mentally. Before he can have a future, he needs to work on himself in order to be ready for that future. He needs to kill Danarius. Now we circle back to him overcoming his obstacles and finally achieving his subconscious desires. 

I said that mental illness is reallt well portrayed in Fenhawke because Fenris and Hawke are seperated for YEARS. Yet, the beauty of it is that Hawke waits for Fenris. They stay by him, they support him and protect him and they remain at his side until the day they finally get to witness him pull out Danarius’s heart. It utterly evokes the beauty of good relationships such as patience, compromise and adoration of all flaws. Yes, they seperate and yes I know people got a bit mad. However, Fenris leaving Hawke strengthens their bond.

Fenris is the one who closes the chapter on Danarius, because as I have said if you are struggling with mental illness only you can help yourself and take the steps to recovery. There are the lucky few who have others surrounding them that will be of support and of course that helps...but it is down the one person to realise they are drowing, and it’s up to them if they grab the lifeguard.

With Danarius dead, once again that feeling of numbing emptiness prevails and instead of getting angry Fenris owns up to the fact that...he needs to move on. That if he’s ever going to be happy he needs to accept what happened to him. Whether or not you let verania live, it was important for Fenris to think he could have reclaimed the past. Because this time when he is once again proven wrong it finally clicks that the past has nothing for him anymore. I do wish he could have had a family, but...it is kinda fitting that Verania is a mage, that she isn’t interested in reuniting with Fenris. The ties have been cut, the past isn’t the answer.

He feels alone. Obviously, that’s not tue, because guess who’s been by his side all this time? And who is standing there right now, looking upon him with much love in their eyes reminding him ‘I’m here Fenris,’

That smile, *swoons* that smile. :’) As though Hawke has said something so bloody obvious. Making him smile because ‘yeah, he should have known that’ And that MY FRIENDS, Is probably when Fenris is already concieving the possibility of spending the rest of his life with Hawke...RIGHT THEN AND THERE.

Fenris has a long way to go to move on, but the important thing is is that he’s now finally willing and able. He doesn’t know where it will lead, but whatever or wherever it leads he’s going to walk it with Hawke. He talks about wishing he had stayed with Hawke when he finally confronts them with what happened between them all those years ago. He says that because now his head is clearer and he sees what he should have done. But Fenris sweetie, you had to go through what you did in order to be the man you are today, it’s ok that you made mistakes. You’re here now and so is Hawke.

A platonic bond with Fenris is important, but Fenris and Hawke probably never see each other again if that’s the case. If you romanced him, Fenris flees Kirkwall with Hawke. He ain’t leaving their side, because they are his future.

Fenris has a fucking amazing arc, bioware did really well with him and his romance was so well done and I love analysing his behaviour. Hawke really helps him get through his trauma and they are there to take his hands and lead him down the road to recovery. This was a romance DONE RIGHT

thank you for coming to my TedTalk.

[davids-cartoon-corkboard]

Do you think that if Shredder!Raph will occur in rottmnt, the aftermath might result in Raph inheriting some of Shredder’s rage even after saved? Maybe that is how the crew is going to implement Raph’s trademark temper throughout previous generations and maybe even make him have to step down due to it, making Leo the new leader?

Short answer: “Inheriting the rage of a centuries-old demon" is a dope-ass idea, so if you’re a writer I would definitely encourage you to use that in your own stuff. But I think that if Raph’s temper worsens throughout the show, it should be because of his own character development and not a magical effect. However, a Shredder!Raph scenario could contribute to said worsening temper by inflicting emotional/psychological damage instead. :)

Long answer ahoy!

Looking at “Many Unhappy Returns” from the Shredder’s perspective makes it very clear why he does what he does. Like, he’s been dead for five hundred years, and then something went wrong with his resurrection. He’s waking up with no idea where he is or what’s going on and oh shit those guys are pointing weapons at him, that’s a threat!

Note that he doesn’t even bolt for them immediately, he does a warning stomp and screech (back off!) before starting to approach.

Those other guys are yelling, that’s also a threat,

and they’re closer so he’s gonna attack them first, actually. (None of the Foot wind up even comically injured, suggesting that flailing them around was an intimidation tactic rather than genuine Murderous Intent.)

And then the first group attacks, so of course he’s going to retaliate.

And then suddenly he’s somewhere else, with other threats (the animatronics), and then the first group that attacked him is back, so he’s gonna fight them again.

And these jerks just keep following him? He’s not going to ignore that. And WOW that’s a lot of bright lights and loud noises, which are also threats, what the fuck is going on?!

And then this tiny human girl chucks a giant metal box at him, holy SHIT?! Sure, the Shredder is a dangerous antagonist, but at this point I wouldn’t call him a “bad guy”, he’s literally just responding to what’s happening to him.

In summary, the Shredder was stressed tf out because he didn’t know where he was or what was happening, he retaliated against perceived threats, and quite possibly wouldn’t have attacked the turtles in the first place if they hadn’t just rushed in without understanding the situation.

Gosh, doesn’t that sound familiar?

So yeah, I’m waiting for Rise to give us that good good Shredder!Raph content.

As for the possibility of Leo taking over afterwards... no, but also yes, sort of? On the one hand, we know that Leo does have leadership capabilities, and it would be a waste for the narrative to not explore that. On the other hand, Rise has broken from the status quo in many ways, and it would also be a waste for the show to do a complete 180 and return to Leo Being The Leader™.

Consider how the “leader” role has influenced Leo in past iterations: his perfectionism wears on him and his brothers, any failure tanks his self-esteem, he feels isolated from the rest due to taking on such a large share of responsibility, being an authority figure grinds everyone’s gears, etc. It’s just bad for his mental health.

No doubt all this responsibility will also wear on Rise!Raph as the story progresses and the stakes get higher. It will be bad for him as well. But if Raph steps down, Leo will once again suffer from the weight of this role. So if neither option is quite correct, if neither brother can shoulder the burden of leadership alone, then the solution is just... for neither of them to shoulder the burden of leadership alone. Sure, Raph will probably remain leader in title and in spirit, but Leo taking on a sort of “deputy” role makes sense from a strategic standpoint, and would be good for his character development.

Here’s how I think it could go down:

The Shredder!Raph scenario will be different from the Shredder!Draxum scenario. The Shredder was starved for mystic energy the first time around, so he immediately chewed Draxum up and spit him out. But Raph could be compared more to a battery than a meal; it will take a while for the Shredder to drain him. And at this point the Shredder could be back in “evil samurai” mode, and thus will understand the value of holding Raph hostage.

Y’all who have followed my blog for a bit know about my “Raph is a system” theory; that when he was little, he got separated from his family and pursued by some cryptid hunter. This trauma formed Savage Raph, who is able to handle “being lost/alone/threatened” when Host Raph cannot. “Pizza Puffs” didn’t give us a lot of info about who I’m calling “Red Raph”, but he made his presence known when Host Raph was sort of... "emotionally alone”? In that his brothers were dying a little bit and too stoned to care.

So if Raph is trapped inside a living cage, scared and helpless and hurt and exhausted, his family unable to help him... he’s not going to be able to handle it.

Or, rather, Host Raph isn’t going to be able to handle it.

These two can, though.

I’m imagining a scene in the mindscape where the Shredder says something like “Your pathetic family cannot bear to strike you down, and so there is nothing that can stand in m- wait, why are there three of you OW FUCK-” Red and Savage will mentally kick his ass long enough for the other turtles to rip off a chunk of the armor so Leo can portal it into another dimension or something. Shredder gets K.O.’d since he’s not whole anymore, and the battle is won.

Since the armor didn’t drain Raph as severely as it did Draxum, he won’t become as weak as Draxum did. However, it will still take him some time to recover. Raph trusts Leo in serious moments as of “Many Unhappy Returns”, and he already took charge when Raph wasn’t available back in “Man vs. Sewer”. So Raph will be like, “Hey Leo, can you handle the Mad Dogs for a bit? Just long enough for me to get back on my feet.” And Leo will be like, “Sure bro, I’ve got this.”

He does not, in fact, “got this”. Leo’s ego has caused trouble before (”Shell in a Cell”, “Minotaur Maze”), and being in charge will no doubt go to his head. This has the potential for both comedy and seriousness, leading to wacky mishaps and genuine danger. Being the leader is hard work and it’s not always fun, but someone has to do it and Leo will have to put the others before himself for it to get done. Once Leo realizes this, he could bond with Raph by asking for his advice on leadership. Sometimes Leo will follow the advice and sometimes he won’t, sometimes that will work out and sometimes it won’t, laying the foundation for the idea that there are situations where it will be better for one or the other to lead, rather than having one lead all the time. But that will only happen for a few episodes, because Raph will heal quickly and he’ll be the leader again and everything will be fine!

Everything will not, in fact, be fine. Raph is the strongest in the family, the tank, the one who can take a hit so the smaller ones don’t have to... the idea of being hurt, of being weak, scares him because his family is also in danger if he’s unwell. So I don’t think he’ll acknowledge to anyone, not even himself, that getting possessed hurt him emotionally as well as physically. And when a wound isn’t acknowledged, it doesn’t get tended to, and when a wound isn’t tended to, it gets worse.

That he’s a system will add another layer of complexity to this. The Shredder!Raph incident would make all the alters aware of each other via mindscape shenanigans, but it would also leave them with the fear of not being in control, so I think they’ll come in conflict with each other for a bit. They’ll argue with themselves, switch, and lose time more often, enough that it impedes their ability to function and the other characters start to notice something is wrong.

Host Raph will convince himself that Everything Is Fine and try to get things “back to normal”, which probably means he’s just straight-up not going to acknowledge that he's a system. He’ll rationalize that he’s always “gotten weird” from time to time, so it’s nothing to think too hard about... right?

Savage Raph will be on high alert because they just survived a near-death (a near soul-destroying) experience. He’ll probably take the front and go overboard fighting some villains that Host Raph could have ordinarily fought on his own. It might also take a while to convince Savage Raph that these “sewer monsters” who keep following him around really don’t mean him any harm.

Red Raph will get snappy (pardon the pun) about the more social aspect of “not being in control”; that Host Raph asked Leo to be in charge and then Leo started being an egotistical dumbass. And when Leo does make the right decisions, Donnie and Mikey might side with him over Raph, and that will also grind his gears.

Mix all that together and you have a recipe for a capital b Breakdown.

So yeah, I can definitely see how the Shredder!Raph incident and its aftermath would worsen all three of their tempers, trauma will fuck up your emotions real bad. Perhaps Host Raph loses faith in himself and tries to step down and get Leo to replace him as leader... only for Leo to be like “Bro I cannot do this full time I will one hundred percent have my own Breakdown if that happens.”

The life lessons here are that Leo learns to offer support by sometimes taking the leader role; not to benefit his own ego, but because he wants to help Raph. And Raph learns to accept support by letting Leo be in charge sometimes; not because he’s weak or incapable, but because he can’t always be a Staunch Immovable Rock and he needs to let himself rest by trusting Leo.

And then the Raphs can work on communicating, cooperating, letting their allies know about them, digging into their trauma, etc. now that they have some breathing room.

(Do you think the Hidden City has therapists? Steven Universe and Mao Mao both have therapists can we BLEASE get one for Raph.)

[technogeekmituna]

STEVEN UNIVERSE FUTURE SPOILERS

Pink Diamond Background Analysis

Disclaimer: This post is not a discussion on if Pink Diamond was the worst thing to ever exist, so don't try applying arguments slandering/defending her here. This is a post about, potentially, explaining how she turned into who she was. So enjoy.

Soo... Now that we know Pink Diamond was a bit of a spoiled, temper tantrum throwing, demanding, and violently explosive child-like Diamond and that she expressed her frustrations aggressively, I think a lot of her absence of growth makes sense.

Imagine a child if you will. You know children can be explosive and bratty things sometimes, even if they're raised properly, healthily, and rightly, when they don't get that doll or bike. It just happens. They're growing humans that can't express themselves. They learn and grow, and they eventually learn how to properly process their emotions without having tantrums or breaking things when they get mad.

Now. Imagine a young Pink Diamond raised in an empire based on dictatorships and being in the top ranks with much older Diamonds with a lot of responsibilities and worlds/gems to manage over.

Now compare the two statements. Imagine a four year old sister with her eighteen year old sibling who has all these things that consumes her attention, physical things like make-up, a special keepsake that gets a lot of love, or something new and shiny that is adored and fawned over.

We know how kids are. They want what you have, especially if it takes your attention.

Pink Diamond is basically a child. She wants what the other Diamonds have, and when she can't get it she explodes with her tantrums. Human children can be extremely violent when denied a want: destroying toys, making messes out of anger, ripping things apart, stomping and hitting things, loud yelling, and obnoxious crying/wailing with big crocodile tears. It's awful.

She exhibits almost all of these things. She punches the wall of Yellow's base, she gets stompy and demanding from Stevonnie's POV, she screams when denied things. She broke Pink Pearl.

Now imagine a child all tuckered out from their tantrum. They cry, they're sad. They look around and notice the mess. It's awful, because they were so full of anger, and they didn't know how to express themselves without the violent outburst. Now their toys they love are wrecked and it's their own fault because they caused them to be damaged/broken forever. Now they're miserable.

Pink Diamond was a Diamond that didn't quite fit the quota. She wasn't allowed to have a colony because she doesn't act like a Diamond, she's not fit to run one, she's not mature enough, etc. But she wanted what the others had. She threw her tantrums when denied her wants. She got punished by being locked in a tower, alone, for years, on a lot of occasions.

Child or Diamond, that doesn't teach anything. It only enforces more bad behavior or more backlash of angry emotions. Or being hurt and miserable. Or teaches that you have to act a certain way and to keep your shit to yourself.

Pink Diamond hurt Pink Pearl physically. She also hurt her psychologically to the point P. Pearl's gem couldn't fix her form. Abuse begets more abuse, and even if Pink Diamond didn't mean to, she did it.

She broke and hurt her only friend that she could express herself with, albeit secretly, and White Diamond took the damaged toy away and gave Pink another.

This stage of events changed Pink Diamond. Rather if it was Pink Pearl being damaged and taken away, a fault all due to Pink Diamond, and then Spinel and CG Pearl being given to her to replace her original Pearl or wanting to be seen as mature, this set her to change.

But being a Diamond that was only punished, belittled, mistreated, threatened, abused, ignored, pushed to fit the status quo, told no no no without a follow up as to why or any reasonable explanation to help her understand that she still had to grow up first, made to feel guilty just for herself being more expressive and curious about organic life, shamed, neglected of proper growth and tolerance from the system that made her... fucked Pink Diamond's growth up.

You can only grow and mature so much in an environment that doesn't allow to do too much without repercussions.

Imagine a child wants to do gymnastics. They really want to! They start, they do it, then they don't want to. It could be various reasons, but they don't want to anymore. Yet they are forced to, because it was expensive, because they whined, begged, bothered, and moaned and groaned to do it, so now they gotta. Deal with it.

Pink finally decided she wanted out, so she did what she did. That's the issue of her character. She did bad things, awful things, unforgiving and unforgettably terrible things. She might have been an abuse victim, but she abused others too.

Abuse is a boiling pot word, because when we think of abuse we think violence with bruises and blood, of psychological, emotional, and mental stigmas that limit things because of ptsd flashbacks, child abuse being spanked and yelled at. That the victim is just a victim, and they can't do harm unto others. That's just not how the cycle works.

All situations are different. All reactions are different.

I'm a victim of child abuse. I was physically and verbally abused, but those treatments formed into emotional baggage for years that I'm still working on. I've been a bad friend, a selfish friend, a childish friend, a guilt-tripper, a strain on mental health, I've lied for my own benefit. I've been an abuser. You might not think you are, or maybe you had a self-realization on your actions/behavior, but you have potential to be an abuser too.

It could be a result from my own abuse from my mom, or how she and my grandmother impacted me, or my environment which I suffered in. Or I could just be a bad person. But I understand it's my own problems now and that I have to work on myself. (Probably why I understand/interpret Pink like I do.)

We all try to deal with it, or grow out of it, or ignore it, or whatever to bare with it.

Pink Diamond, despite the HUUUUUGE amounts of problems she left behind, did what she thought was right while dealing with her issues. Keeping her past secret from Pearl, forcing Pearl to keep her identity a secret, not talking about herself, bubbling Bismuth, hiding from the Diamonds-- all her lies and secrets stem from her time on Homeworld. She doesn't understand how to connect to people, like Greg, or she held herself back from getting close to others, like CG Pearl, or how she reflected Garnet's question back at her so she didn't have to talk about herself, or how she fought for a freedom on Earth for a lot of reasons, like maybe her own personal freedom, among her want to save the Earth and its inhabitants.

She tried to protect people by hiding things. She lived and never regretted missing Homeworld, her past life, or the Diamonds. I can almost guarantee you Pink suffered for her actions in the war, regretted the losses. Her actions were her own, and she most likely understood the gravity of the consequences.

They happened though, her mistakes, her guilts, her stemmed problems to Steven, her "running away" from responsibilities, her leaving the Crystal Gems, her detrimental lies coming back to bite everyone, her secrets found by others which ended up ruining their lives, her actions gravely having affects years later... her growth from the life she had.

She was an abuse victim that hurt others too, but she grew all the same from her past and how the Diamonds "raised" and treated her. Her background doesn't entirely define her, but it does define her ability to understand how to properly process/express everything she ever did. It was just unfortunate that a lot of it hurt others she cared about.

She didn't miss the Diamonds. The mere thought of them seemed to irritate her. She can't be compared to them. Because she's not like them. She didn't owe them anything. But she did owe her friends and allies a hella lot.

She's not the worst of the bunch, but she did still come out a bit of a bad, morally gray apple.

[mxupdate]

[ARTICLE] Monsta X Pushes Against Boundaries in ALL ABOUT LUV, K-Pop's First All-English Album in a Decade

The members of K-pop group Monsta X entered the interview room as though it were the set of a music video: fully hair-and-makeup-ready, some wearing clothes identical to the attire they wore in the video for one of their latest releases, “Middle of the Night.” Kihyun donned a checkered coat with bright yellow stripes and a green collar, Minhyuk a light brown coat with a dark tiger print. The group had just completed a Q&A on Facebook Live, after more than a week of non-stop interviews and meet-and-greets on both coasts of the U.S. The frenetic pace was par for the course for a K-pop act promoting a new album, though in this case, the group from South Korea had just released something a bit different: its first all-English album, ALL ABOUT LUV.

See full article here or read below.

ALL ABOUT LUV is the first all-English album released by a K-pop group in more than a decade — the last one was from trio JYJ in 2010. The new album quickly accomplished an impressive feat, ranking fifth on the Billboard 200 albums chart, making Monsta X only the third K-pop group, after BTS and SuperM, to break the top 10. Members Shownu, Minhyuk, Kihyun, Hyungwon, Joohoney, I.M and Wonho — who left the group near the end of last year — participated in the recording of the album, whose 11 tracks are uncharacteristically sensual and seductive for a K-pop act. A few days after the release, five of the six members of Monsta X sat down with TIME to discuss, at times via a translator, ALL ABOUT LUV, and the experience of both singing in English and speaking more frankly about what happens in the bedroom. (Rapper Joohoney is on a break, taking time to focus on his mental health due to anxiety, but will return for the group’s North American tour beginning in June.)

In the nearly five years since the group was formed in the reality competition show No.Mercy in 2015, Monsta X has carved a space in K-pop with EDM- and hip hop-heavy tracks paired with aggressive choreography. In 2019, the act began to shift gears in its sound. While continuing to release Korean albums with the same explosive energy, Monsta X dropped a number of tracks recorded in English, with a sleeker, smoother vibe. The rollout of these English-language songs led up to the release of ALL ABOUT LUV, which dropped on Valentine’s Day to the warm embrace of “Monbebes” — the name for the group’s fans, derived from the French term for “my baby.”

A new language introduces a new mode of expression

The group began working on ALL ABOUT LUV back in 2018, when they recorded “Besides U” featuring Pitbull, though “Who Do U Love?,” a collaboration with French Montana, would be the album’s first single. “At that time it was really difficult to record,” Kihyun, the main vocalist whose honeyed falsetto is a standout in the new album, tells TIME of working in English. “But it’s really comfortable now, every song.” A combination of speaking more English during stateside events, covering American pop songs — such as Bruno Mars’ “Versace on the Floor,” performed on a Korean television show in 2018 — and receiving help from youngest member I.M, who has lived in Boston and is fluent, has gradually increased the artists’ comfort working in the language.

Releasing an English album doesn’t just mean the words sound different. Vocalist Minhyuk describes a more technical difference in singing the two languages, which can lead to increased expressiveness. “When you speak Korean, there are lots of words that if you pronounce that word, your mouth is closed and it’s not really that smooth — it can sound a bit intense,” he says. “But when you are speaking English words, it goes with the flow. Word and word connects.” Minhyuk says the more flexible pronunciation helps him “give more emotions” to the English words. This can be heard, for instance, as he tenderly delivers the line, “I only feel alive when I don’t feel safe” from the new track “Misbehave.”

A laid-back, gentler approach to choreography

The emotions expressed in the new album, and the dances that accompany the songs, also mark a change from those of Monsta X’s past tracks. The group’s Korean music is known for its intensity — the latest title tracks “Follow” and “Alligator” are EDM-infused anthems whose choreography features fast-paced stomps, kicks and punches. In contrast, the numbers on ALL ABOUT LUV, as the album’s name suggests, share a laid-back mood expressed by soft and fluid dance moves. The performance for the new song “Middle of the Night” is filled with hip swaying, finger snapping and caressing of the microphone stand.

“In ALL ABOUT LUV, the whole album vibe is very moody and chill,” says leader Shownu, who is also the main dancer and has participated heavily in the group’s choreography. “We just wanted to match the dance moves with the songs.” The members contributed to shaping the routines of the new tracks. Shownu points to “Middle of the Night”: at the line, “we’re kissing in the car underneath of the night,” the idols tilt their microphone stands sideways and lean down as if to kiss them.

“Our Korean album performance and our ‘Middle of the Night’ performance are different types of sexy,” Minhyuk explains. “Korean album is…” he pauses as rapper I.M jumps in — “strong sexy.” “Yeah, strong and powerful,” Minhyuk agrees. Meanwhile, “Middle of the Night” has a “gentle” type of sexiness, Kihyun says.

‘Honest things happen on the bed’

But the sex appeal doesn’t only stem from the choreography. Throughout the album, lyrics making sexual references carry Monsta X into a beyond-PG-13, but not-quite-R-rated realm to which few K-pop acts have ventured.

In the track “Misbehave,” the chorus goes, “Love it when we mess this up, every time we argue, straight into the bedroom.” When asked about these lyrics, I.M says, “When you are loving somebody you need to be honest, and honest things happen on the bed.”

“What?!” Kihyun exclaims. “B-E-D? B-E-D?” Minhyuk asks, spelling out the word. “It’s about your imagination,” I.M responds, offering a laundry list of chaste activities. “We can just sleep, or just yawn…”

“Watch Netflix on bed,” vocalist Hyungwon, who has been mostly quiet up until now, chimes in. “Yeah, everyone has their own time on their bed,” I.M says. Kihyun fans himself. “Whew, I’m sweating!”

“Using the straightforward words, I thought it was very erotic,” Shownu says, using the Korean word yahada, which is also sometimes translated as “sexual.” “I felt shy,” Minhyuk shares about his recording experience.

Minhyuk reflected on the lyrics of “Love U,” a cheery electro-pop track suggestive of something more physical. The members sing, “I really, really wanna love you / But I can’t say the word I want to / ‘Cause they won’t play it on the radio / But I know you know / What I mean, what I mean.” It’s not hard to guess the word the lyrics suggest.

“When we were recording ‘Love U,’ I thought it was just a song about love,” Minhyuk explains. “But it went in a different direction.”

To be clear, the lyrics in All ABOUT LUV never explicitly mention sex. But compared to previous tracks in Monsta X’s discography — and, on a broader scale, most love songs across K-pop — the words are significantly more sexual. “It’s fine, we’re all adults.” Kihyun says, “and this is an American album.” If it were a Korean album, there would “maybe” be fewer of these references, he says. “The Korean society is more strict to lyrics.”

Pioneering a new sound

While the majority of K-pop tracks have a balanced distribution between singing and rapping — as most idol groups are formed with a mix of singers and rappers — ALL ABOUT LUV has significantly fewer rap verses. I.M and the group’s main rapper Joohoney, who boast some of the most dynamic rap delivery in the industry, tabled that specialty to record vocal-heavy sections. “I think I forgot how to rap by now,” I.M jokes.

“It was so funny,” Kihyun shares about Joohoney’s time in the studio. “Joohoney yelled at me, ‘Hyung, help me! I can’t do this,’” Kihyun says, referencing the Korean term for “older brother.” “The notes were so high to Joohoney, but he did it.” Indeed, Joohoney and I.M displayed their versatility across the album’s melodies, from the ad-libs in “Who Do U Love?” to the sultry introduction in “Middle of the Night.” In blurring the rap-vocal divide, the group is pioneering a new sound for Korean groups releasing music in the U.S.

“The Korean fans liked it because they saw a feeling they had never seen,” Hyungwon says. “The American fans liked it because it was fully in English.” Music from the album is already making its way into spaces where K-pop is rarely heard. On a recent episode of Riverdale, “Who Do U Love?” plays in the background. Elsewhere, fans have recorded hearing ALL ABOUT LUV tracks in stores from an H&M in Turkey to a Hollister in the U.K. When the group announced its North American tour taking place this summer, it became clear that Monsta X is returning to cities in venues much larger than the ones they performed in just a year ago, a testament to their rapid growth.

A few days before the Billboard 200 list was announced, TIME asked Monsta X how they will measure the success of ALL ABOUT LUV. Leader Shownu says he does not want to “get stuck inside of ‘success,’” and his teammate Kihyun offers a simple but emphatic response: “If we and our fans are satisfied with this album, that is good.”

[manjuhitorie]

Shinoda’s Instagram Q&A July 18th 2020 - Part 1

👋How are Retro Tone’s Saddles? 🗣The steel saddles are way worth a shot　 　👀 http://astronauts69.com/retrotone/ - https://twitter.com/sho_do_teki/status/1019548356383682561

👋What bandsmen have you been keeping in touch with? 🗣I got calls from Hiroki-san of Lego Big Morl And Adam Touch Takahashi of Bed In (honorifics omitted) I’m usually never the one to hit people up first... 

👋What are you doing awake this late? (approx 3AM JST) 🗣Listening to Audrey on the radio 　👀 Audrey are a manzai comedy duo! https://wow-j.com/en/Allguides/other/tips_manners/02304_en/#2

👋 Have you eaten any pudding lately? 🗣I deeply apologize for waiting so long to make this clear. The pudding phase has long ended. We had a good run everyone.

　👀 https://twitter.com/sho_do_teki/status/1245973638550917121 Shinoda had found a pudding recipe on cookpad which requires only a microwave, a single egg, then milk, sugar, and a sprinkle of vanilla essence! This discovery sparked a trend among Hitorie fans, as many were giving it a shot themselves and joining in on the sweetness!

👋 What is your favorite? 🗣My favorite what?

👋 Are you sleepy? 🗣No problems here

👋 What’s your opinion feeling on cicadas? 🗣My opinion is that they’re dogshit

👋 I’m knee-deep in depression right now, what do I do.. 🗣Watch Audrey videos on youtube You’re bound to laugh and whisk the time away, it’s ideal

👋 How are you? 🗣Physically I’m healthy. Mentally I’m so-so.

👋 Did you get ygarshy any presents for his birthday? If you did, what did you get him? 🗣I can’t tell ya bastards.

👋What happened to your smoke machine? 🗣I still have it 　👀 https://twitter.com/sho_do_teki/status/1269167465499521025 
For SND’s birthday, ygarshy had gotten him a smoke machine. The kind commonly seen at concerts to add effects.
 To quote Shinoda’s reception, he said, “I’m sure y’all got a taste of the level of insanity our bassist is, judging from the MC chat reports of last year’s tour but… This should really set in stone just how insane he is.” 

👋Any new song recs? 🗣SUTENEKO by Siamese Cats 　👀 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kVSBarQH6ZY

👋Are you still working out? 🗣If it’s okay to say that I’m still at it then.. Yeah I’m still at it.

　👀 He had been developing aches/feeling like he had muscle atrophy due to drawing so much manga. Thus, after even Hitorie’s manager urged him about the necessity to work out, he finally picked it up. Though he did tweet “I was working out while I slept last night, and now I can’t stand up… Fuckkkk thissssss!!” https://twitter.com/sho_do_teki/status/1264486160211951617  So… Fight on, SND!

👋I want to know what you’ve been eating lately! 🗣I’m cooking hamburgers and hotdogs at home

👋What have you been up to? 🗣Listening to Audrey on the radio

👋What are you up to right now👀 🗣Listening to Audrey on the radio

👋 Do you create distortion by using your amp, or by stomping around by your feet? 🗣By my feet

👋 What’s next after the pudding phase? 🗣I’m in a hamburger phase now

👋 Who manga artist you especially like 🗣I’ve always loved Douman Seiman sensei 　👀 https://myanimelist.net/people/12266/Sayman_Dowman

👋 What’s good about Jaguars? (*the car I think) 🗣They look all robotic

👋 What cigarettes have you been smoking? 🗣Marlboro gold

👋 You strike me as the type who talks to himself a lot, so I ask, do you talk to yourself a lot? 🗣Kinda, yeah

👋 What Hitorie songs are best to start out with? 🗣Like Senseless Wonder Or any relatively simple one

👋 What shampoo do you use? 🗣The Seven Eleven one

👋 I can’t make a song.. The day is going to end in vain again..

🗣The day you finally make it will answer everything Or at least we can hope...

👋 How’s your kitty? 🗣I don’t fucking have one

👋 I want to go to a concert 🗣I wanna go tooo

👋 Any RPG recs? 🗣Landstalker You can play it on a SEGA Genesis Mini, go ham on the ungodly maps

👋 I like you? 🗣What?

👋 Do any movies hold a special place in your heart? 🗣9 Souls probably  Chihara Junia is so awesome 　👀 https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0370244/

👋Please take a selfie 👣 🗣I can’t right now fella

👋What onigiri filling do you like? 🗣Spicy cod roe and/or tuna

👋I just want to give up on studying for entrance exams. But I can’t. How do you achieve that which you don’t want to do? 🗣I feel like I’ve never ever even achieved that which I don’t want to do.. 👋 Any recent purchases?
 🗣 *https://www.jimdunlop.com/cry-baby-mini-wah/

👋 Who’s the greatest genius you know? 🗣Shimoyaka 　👀 Check them out here: https://twitter.com/simoyaka - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9qsoxiPKaY - Tanaka Bunko is the name of Shimoyaka’s doujin group.

👋 Do you ever have troubles or worries? 🗣I do

👋 Which do you recommend out of the great Ghibli 4 playing in theaters? 🗣Well, anything but Mononoke Hime..

👋 My ex girlfriend introduced me, so when I listen the memories come flooding back... 🗣What are you talking about?

👋 I’m torn on whether to cut my hair or not, should I? 🗣Enough already, just cut it.

👋 Do you have a favorite Tanaka Bunko song? 🗣High Score Girl (👀 https://ch.nicovideo.jp/simoyaka/video/so36488388) It sounds like Dinosaur Jr. ( 👀 The western band)

👋 Have you gotten good at any cooking recipes lately? 🗣Do hotdogs count as cooking?

👋 What to do when you can’t sleep 🗣Listen to the radio and stuff

👋 Why don’t you get a kitty?
 🗣Laziness and allergies as a joint force are preventing my kitty endeavors

👋 Will you sleep after this? 🗣I don’t know

👋 For my Coming of Age Ceremony, I’m not sure if I should cut my hair into a short bob or let it grow long so I can style it. Which suits your tastes more Shinoda-san?
 🗣The short bob 100%

👋 So you like girls with short hair.. Then, what hair color do you like? 🗣I don’t really care as long as it looks good

👋 I slept as this time yesterday, but I woke up at this time today. I want to be reborn as a Marlboro gold cigarette.

🗣It may be wise to not aspire to turn into consumables much

👋 What kind of gear is on your current pedal board? 🗣 *A picture consisting of a BOSS TU3W, Xotic EP Booster, WEED MDW-1 wah, Crowther Hotcake, Electro-Harmoni Nano Bass Big Muff, Arion SCH-Z Stereo Chorus, and BOSS DD-20.

👋 I just woke up, good morning 🗣Good morning

👋 Then I want to be reborn as a bed or sofa 🗣Chill

👋 Time to go to work! Cheer me on! 🗣Have a swell day

👋 I’m job-hunting right now, tell me something 🗣I hope it all works out…

👋 I’m a fan from Taiwan and a guitar newbie, do you have any tips and tricks for pressing chords? 🗣Make sure you’re pressing cleanly, I think

👋 Good morning~ Due to various circumstances I’m living in Tokyo for one month starting today, cheers to our battles to come 🗣Battles!?

👋 After drinking all night yesterday, I fell back to sleep 3 times before finally waking up just now. I woke up out of fear after remembering the news about the man who’s bladder exploded. 🗣That shit’s scary as hell? 　👀 https://nypost.com/2020/06/23/mans-bladder-explodes-after-holding-pee-for-18-hours-after-beer-binge/

👋 As a guitarist/vocalist what are you most careful of? 🗣Don’t wiggle around too much and wear yourself out

👋 Alco and Peace’s radio segments are just too damn good, ain’t they…? 🗣I’ve listened to the skit about Ichiru at an international tournie so many times that I’ve lost count, they’re seriously the best 　👀 They’re a manzai comedy duo too!

👋 What temperature do you keep your air-conditioning at? 🗣It depends but, when I do use it I’ll bring it all the way to 24 degrees celsius.

👋 What are you going to do now? 🗣No idea

👋 Have you ever been approached by fans at festivals or out in town? On that note, is it okay to approach you? (；.Д.) 🗣I have. It depends on the time and place.

👋 I love you. Time to go to work… 🗣Have a nice day

👋 Do you ever go to cat cafes and stuff? 🗣I’ve been.

👋 I’ve been job hunting with no resolution in sight, please give me words of encouragement! 🗣You can do it~

👋 Good morning,,, I bombed my mock exams and would love a picker-upper,,, 🗣Well, mock exams aren’t the end so

👋 What do you think of girls who cheat? 🗣I think they’re girls who cheat

👋 I keep doing Hitorie cover bands but I can’t seem to improve the skill* (I’m the drummer) 🗣I’m amazed that you’re even trying at all

👋 Good morning.. Please cheer me on,, 🗣You can do it~

👋 Can you tell me what entertainer you like! 🗣Kamomental 　👀 Another nother manzai duo!

👋 How to restore absolute exhaustion 👀Find something immersive, or laugh-inductive, or just go to sleep…

👋 What’s your favorite out of all the Hitorie merch released thus far? 🗣The album art pins

👋 What is the philosophy behind men who have affairs? 🗣They’re the type who can do it and stomach it, so they just do it, I think

👋 The album cover pins are so cool that I hesitate to use them, Shinoda-sensei what pins do you use? 🗣I always lose pins in a matter of minutes so I’m too scared to use them..

👋 I miss Shinoda-san’s girl and cat drawings 
🗣I haven’t been drawing much huh

👋 Do you listen to anything besides Audrey on the All Night Nippon radio station? 🗣Not much, only like Creepy Nuts (👀 They host a hip-hop/rap battle station!) or Sakuma (👀 He takes letters from listeners and digs into various hypothetical or real events)

👋 What’s the most recent movie you’ve watched? 🗣Lost Paradise in Tokyo 　👀 https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1519647/

👋 It’s Sunday yet I have to wake up early and go to work, please put my heart at ease,,, 🗣I pray for your health…

[mirovoi1]

REFLECTIONS OF A JAILBIRD

It can be quite hard to force myself to concentrate on writing when myriad distractions abound: I have the internet, snacks at hand, and a curious mind that prefers wandering than getting stuck into the arduous task of gathering my thoughts and organising them into one structured essay.

What is worse is that there are also myriad birds outside my windows that are eager to show off how free they are - while it is me that is cooped up inside an aviary. And this has been my daily life for months already here, in the middle of Istanbul.

The world has surely been turned upside down.

And my state of being has now too.

Have you ever been to prison without being involved in a crime?

The laws of lockdown have worked; they have successfully restricting my body to the house, but it has also set loose thoughts and emotion; and the things that stir inside an idle being.

In fact, I am usually the opposite: a busy body with a braindead head – not a rioting soul in a dead body.

Thus, has been a rare chance to engage in some very unique, albeit testing, self-reflection and what I have observed is that my own mind is actually hell-bent on getting away from me.

Out of due respect for public health, I have not really been anywhere for a full three months. And during this home-sentence, I have been battling with another prison: a mental prison consisting of high walls that forbid me from doing any proper constructive written work.

The summer warmth has arrived in Istanbul; finally replacing the long, wet winter - the heat and sunlight have come and replenished the empty hole that is known as ‘lockdown’. This is a very good change in events. Weather does alter one’s mood.

The uplifting summer-scented air has called me to begin writing down a few notes to share with you all. Although, however lovely days of sunshine and birdsong may be, it seems my newly-found prison-life has offered some useful (and dire) insight into how many lives are lived.

*

Morning after morning after morning, I wake up in the same fashion, with the sound of pigeons outside my bedroom window. They sit there and mumble the same stuff at each other. I get up for a coffee. The sparrows chirp like mad in the big leafy trees from morning till dusk and I am always here to hear it. Now that all forms of unnatural noise have subsided over the past weeks, the world has revealed that there are even chickens living on the banks of in front of the apartments opposite me.

Who would think chickens exist in a city of fifteen million people? Well, I believe it. It is hard not to believe it when their bleating is sometimes all that is left over now that cars and engines sounds have left the room. Right now, it is a bird’s world and I feel as if I am the only living creature that sits around stagnating all day.

Those birds are busy with their lives and I am the one who is sat in the bird cage waiting for some sort of seeds to appear in my bowl.

*

During my lifetime, I have always wondered how come old people so often tend to be miserable.

I was confused as to why oldies were always angry when kids’ balls come over their fence. I thought that old people should know that life goes along better when the world is a tolerant and friendly place - after all, judging by their bent posture and wrinkly skin, it could be safe to say that they have been around for a bit and should be aware of the tricks of the trade.

The world over, I have been yelled at by grumpy old people – usually for noise or some other form of unruliness. But my anticipation for some eventual grey-haired wisdom to save the day always fell through as they most often would revert back to their own form of unruliness – that being their decrepit emotional composure in the face of something minor.

I always liked to imagine that someday, I will become the seemingly only old man in the world who is patient, kind and unconcerned with little things that are of no apparent bother. I thought I would be the kindest granddad who would come out of his house, and instead of shouting with a stick in hand, he would come with a packet of chocolate biscuits and tell the kids just how great they are doing with their soccer skills.

But now I get it.

A silent, idle life, void of real things to do and people to talk to just makes people become dank. Now I understand. A rattle in the refrigerator has the power to really piss people off. I never knew of that rattle when my life extended beyond these four walls.

In a tiny little world, tiny little things just appear so big.

Now I realise, I too, in the future, am capable of becoming an angry old man.

*

In Istanbul you often have company from giant seagulls which are a key part of the infrastructure of this giant port city. Istanbulites love to feed animals, and these massive birds easily get their beaks into heavy pieces of stale bread. They do not want to share their findings with others and so they fly onto the rooftops and drop it, hack at it and throw it around in order to break it into smaller, edible size pieces.

I live on the top-floor and often have to deal with them stomping around on my roof. I have a rooftop sky-window that I can open up and be part of the goings on up there, but they are too busy to care. They are very happy. I am not though, and I give them the evil stare from under the window pane. And, again, they are too busy being happy to care.

*

May is the month of Ramadan and at times some very rhythmic Anatolian music seeps out from behind some bushes somewhere near where those chickens live. There is also drumming at 2am each night. Sometimes I hang myself out the fifth-floor window to try to get a piece of the vibe. I always found the concept of music to be extremely fascinating. Music is such a human thing.

I admit I have felt a bit self-conscious before dancing in front of other people, but I have to say that I feel downright embarrassed doing so in front of animals. So, I don’t. I am sure animals understand the pleasure in moving around and having fun, but the style we do it in… well, I don’t know about that. We must look absolutely ridiculous. But it is Ramadan, and it is a time for celebration.

There is a family of crows that lives in a branch – rent-free – just opposite my biggest windows in the lounge area. I enviously watch them coming and going, and taking turns at sitting on their babies. They screech and caw, as I do when I think I am singing.

As I hum along to these sudden outbreaks of traditional folk tunes, I wonder why we humans feel the need to offer a bit of our own noise to an otherwise good-enough piece of music. We also like to move our bodies along with to the beat, as if that was called for. If you can get past your own two feet, that is, then this timely shuffling is generally known as ‘dancing’.

So, it seems that adding some singing, some lyrics, and well, ultimately some sort of mouth and body movement to the music, it just makes it all come alive.

*

We humans make order of our thoughts through speech. We navigate our world through the use of the mouth; through words; through language, through lyrics, through conversation, through stories, constantly feeling the need to incessantly release some form of mouth-made noise with/to/towards/at other people: we engage in civil, amicable chitter-chatter; we emit our oral vibrations out of rage at poor kids who have lost their ball over the fence, we thrust our noises into the music as we groove along in tow…

…and somehow this makes us feel better about the world.

I can honestly say I am utterly embarrassed to be a human. But, the innate, instinctive need for talk and movement dictates our psyche. The necessity for social interaction with other people and physical interaction with our environment is indisputable. This is the source of a large part of our health. And without it, well…

We humans are a group mammal after all – perhaps more so than the feathered ‘free-folk’ outside that even feel free enough to crap all over my windowsills. But it is obvious: being around people and engaging in meaningful conversation regulates our mood and emotions so that we can avoid entering the otherwise guaranteed free-fall to hell…

…where a lot of us are right now.

All of this has now become starkly clear as I sit in here doing the opposite of what a healthy person does. All the animals accentuate the fact that they can get more done in life now that us human-beings have ceased to be part of the furniture; and we are not around anymore to bother them. Unless I decide to dance behind the glass or something - and that could bother a soul or two.

I mean, if you have to be a human being, then you also have to know how to meet a human being’s needs. That is not to say I dance, but it does mean one needs to be able to think well, speak properly, and move more.

This may seem obvious and straightforward, but I can assure you… it is not.

Just as one may think six months at home would be heaven, and when it comes around you realise it is actually a nightmare. Human beings may sit around in their homes dressed in clothes with their fancy gadgets, but can assure you, we do not always really understand what it is that we need. Nor do we properly see things for what they are…

A lot of us have never learnt to think, nor learnt to move, nor learnt to speak. Properly, that is.

*

Over the years, I have had a number of students who could fall under the category of ‘depressed’; or ‘hell-bound’ would be a better way to put it.

There is a thing called clinical depression, but this dispiritedness is often just simply an environmental, psychological, physiological or sociological inadequacy or imbalance. Sort of like a form of vitamin deficiency that comes good again with the right adjustments.

That is basically to say… yes, as it seems, a lot of melancholy folk typically seem to lead a full-time lifestyle of lockdown.

Try that! What a bloody existence…

I have observed many teenagers of mine who regularly take part in physical activity in their daily lives, be it sports or dance, are generally much more mentally and emotionally healthy – not to mention physically so. They tend to hold onto less negative energy and have a lighter, bouncier kick in their way of being.

Those that have good social, conversational and inter-personal skills tend to have these similar healthy characteristics. In short, those that are well-equipped to meet their simple human needs fare well in the world.

But this species of well-equipped kid is actually depressingly rare. A huge number of adults do not qualify either. That has frustrated me for a long time.

*

Normally at this time of year, I would be busy preparing for the summer holidays for when my students and I hit the long road with our backpacks on.

This year, that is not going to happen though, which is a pity because we were planning for some very exotic locations (Cuba, Madagascar…). And it is also a pity for some of my students that are, and/or have always been full-time-lockdown-lifestylists who would greatly benefit again from a couple of weeks-long de-shackling from the mundane.

However, this virus has offered me a very unique opportunity:

With the ditching of my passport and car-keys and the forgoing of my usual travel-lifestyle, I now get the chance to exist on this great planet in another fascinating way…

By being in prison, experiencing the psychological state of depressed prisoners, getting to know and understand the inner-world of many of my students, rehearsing for when I am old, and getting to write about it all.

More unfortunate is getting to brush up on my knowledge about myriad aspects of birdlife and how damning similar it is to ours. Even more unfortunate than that is the succumbing to the fact that I am capable of using words like ‘myriad’ myriad times in a six and a half page-long essay…

13 May 2020

(Period of lockdown from Covid-19)

(Some Photos from Around My Place in Istanbul)