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horrorfilmadddict · 4 years ago

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Anyway, here I am really bothering you and not leaving you alone, aren’t I?

I wrote you this letter from the bottom of my heart. I hope you have the patience to read it, sorry it’s long. Anyway I hope you look back on this letter and know my intent was pure and with love. Tell you what I really feel. What my heart tells me.

Dear Sue,

I write you because hell, might as well put my thoughts to “paper”. No one knows about this page except you.

Sooooo when it comes to us, or just women, the way it goes after you get dumped or put down is

I shouldn’t care anymore, right?

I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable if you have moved on from me. It’s just you have to empathize with me. My heart was ripped out of me.

I wonder how you’re doing, do you miss me as much as I miss you. Do you still think about us, the butterflies, Do you still want me as your man, haha stupid questions I know. Ive been getting by with henny and romantic comedies haha but hey again the whole us blowing up was my fault. I do hope you’re doing ok mentally, spiritually, emotionally. Truly I do wish for your well being. I’m just relieved I didn’t break your heart, again, better me than you.

I miss my dream catcher, it hurt like hell giving it back and the Disney tickets. I didn’t do it to hurt you, just spare myself of seeing them and thinking of you. You once or maybe several times, told me you always think of me. And now You really do cross my mind a thousand times. But anywho I hope my t shirts get put to use btw not as cloth rags 😂😅, along with my hoodie. Better uses than my birthday gifts, little mike, red bag and all, pennywise, alll in the back of a car, hidden in shame or just not treated kindly in my opinion.

I feel what drove you to end us was me not paying attention to the anger issues. Me, making excuses would say, you should’ve sat me down and stressed the danger of pushing you away, causing you to do some fucked up shit. But I was dealt Karma. I am a hypocrite to complain, since I did the same to you but I hope the caring you will see what massive effect your decisions made.

I also see that you dealt with a lot of internal conflict, feeling like I’d only want to change when you’d be leaving. I didn’t mean to make it seem like you were stuck in a bad never ending circle, i did make it feel that way, nothing hurts more to see someone you love do that to you. Again another mistake on my part of not realizing you were leaving, hurtin due to that type of attitude and behavior that came from me.

You are such a big positive force in my life. You are. Which is why I made bucca a big deal, I know it was extremely unfair since it was my fault we couldn’t hang long but thinking back you probably didn’t say yes to being my girl because you already were someone else’s, that kills me, that’s why I felt so betrayed by you. I mean I was in shock, just thinking why would you do this to me, pretty traumatizing. I feel your emotionally unavailable stuff was all a fat lie. It’s killing me inside why you didn’t just sit me down like a human being and talk to me.

Nonetheless you’re a special beautiful woman that I love for her smile, her jokes, her dorkiness, ability to no matter what is going on, be worried about me, how I was doing, feeling, no matter what troubles you were going thru. One of my favorite things about you is your ability to sing, that truly melted me, the idea of riding in the car with you and singing, expressing ourselves through music. I really did drop the ball with you, I have to live with that, the reason why I’ll hold on to you for as long as I can is because of what you mean to me now. However I do know Eventually emotions fade and memories with them so eventually we will truly fade away. If you haven’t already.

But still this was out of left field. You are a sweet heart and I think you already know that. You’re ability to stand by ppl you love, obviously not me 😅but the way you stand by Ana as her support even if she doesn’t match your love for her, she does love you and I pray she does come around because man she’d take a fat L losing you, or with Emily, the way you spend quality time with her as your friend. Little things that have big meaning and are easily overlooked. But yet you find ways to make ppl feel special before yourself.

You are an amazing, beautiful woman and I mean it. The sooner you see it, the sooner it will help you feel like you should be happy to be who you are.

Ever since that day I have been at a loss for words. You’d probably say it’s dramatic but I’m living with a void in me. What happened? When did I lose you, I guess that’s the point of feelings huh, you don’t see them coming. I had no chance to fight for you this last time. In a way I hope the time away from me, really really clears your mind and heart so you can see if you really did love me, and maybe you have a good good explanation for yourself as to why you did what you did even though not two weeks before had you said “ i hope you still love me” “te amo”. You can lie to me. But not yourself. For me as much as it hurts to think of you not choosing me, that’s what happened. And if hes what you truly want, I can live with that.

I often think about all the times I’d ask you are you sure you still want this. And I break down mentally just trying to find out why you’d say yes but then play me. Don’t get me wrong It was a lot of work to work on us with me however I feel I was on the verge of getting that down, like I understand it was far from perfect but did I make you feel loved I wonder. Probably fucked up too much for you to say yes.

I was only about you whether I was upset or not. I thought I was mending all that tbh. Somewhere along the way your words really had me thinking I was loved like I never have been but your heart was wanting another at the same time. Haha I’m all worked up because of what I thought I meant in your eyes. It really was like hey you’re enough and I want this to work. And so I took ALL you said to me to heart. Which made the heartbreak that much more painful, I’m glad I didn’t do that to you because, the guilt would kill me, what I did with Daria and you still does. I still have the crying clip of you, after I left bby.

I wish you’d talk to me about it, I really do, for you to just show respect for what was there, for your words of I love you, cariño, Habibi, that you said to me. Honor their memory just give me true closure. I can leave you alone, never speak to you again. Drop off a map and disappear you’d literally never hear from me again if that’s what you really prefer. But if not and communicating was an option, I’d want to know where I lost you. If it makes you feel a tad better I feel once it sinks in that you are gone, and the emotions and memories fade, I will truly leave, disappear to become an insignificant memory by my own action just to give you peace, ya know. Do right by you for once.

But for as long as the emotions and memories last in your heart I’ll take pride and hope the sunflower really sticks, it’s a symbol, a memory. Every time the song comes out I do think about you, makes me wish I was miles and youd be my white girl, mi hermosa guerita. Sounds juvenile but I really was excited to teach you more Spanish for when you’d meet my family. How sweet, a thought. Those are priceless. Hope the song brings you positivity on your path. You’ll go far with make up and doing hair. I still think youd make a great YouTube horror movie channel host.

I do love you, make no mistake about that. I will for as long as that fire burns.

As cheesy as it is, you made me feel like the hero or the lucky guy who gets the girl like miles here. I believe in my heart I coulda done amazing by you, I know a version of me has to be out there In an alternate reality where my dumbass got things right, fuck this sucks, for me of course lmao 😂 you do seem to be doing fine and I’m thankful that you’re loved and still loving someone, it’s a special gift. Just make sure you never use I love you carelessly like with me.

If I had the chance to do it over again I would, never hurt you and let your love complete me, help me feel not alone.

Ps: the app shows my edit in a better way

You changed my life for the better by showing me what a woman is capable of, what you bring to those you love. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say my guard is fully up yet again and I’m afraid haha afraid to let anyone, ANYONE in. I thought I was safe with you...

You’re with me in my heart. lol kinda sounds like Tarzan huh

Well uhhh gtg 👋🏽

*g lock handshake

I really am sad and sorry we just ended the way we did, no talking, no hugs, no last kiss. I miss you Habibi, I do. You were my Disney princess. 🌻

Well with that long ass letter, I leave you here. Probably, it seems for good , soon I’ll delete my social media and I’ve already started looking for another job. So while my heart will be spoken for as long as it chooses you, I won’t be around anymore, too painful and this is the first time I’ve had my heart broken, like truly.

So,

Kenzy Sue Schumacher

ich liebe dich

Quizás en otra vida

Love,

Your cariño

Ps: Someone actually read the entire thing and liked it lol hashtags huh

#journal #letting go #venting #reflecting

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