#dude i feel like crying got me dysphoric and all i do not look good

[xo8ball]

THEY FUCKING STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR WHONTHE FUCK AM I

[symphonic-scream]

🫂

Hm

Here's some Queers stuff

Specifically, Makoto and Haru, trying to have a kid

So science? Out the window. Keep that in mind

Makoto: hey, Tae. Can I ask you a question, as my doctor?

Tae: sure Sprout, what's up?

Makoto: and you can't tell Sae

Tae: confidentiality, 100%

Makoto: is there anyway that, at this stage, we could do something to get a useable, sample?

Tae: what

Makoto: Haru wants a baby. She admitted while a little drunk on our wedding night she wanted it to be ours. I, haven't told her I heard her. I just, want to know if, I can still give this to her

Tae: ...I'll talk around, get some ideas. I'll do my best, Sprout. The two of you deserve a shot

Makoto gets a call a month later. Tae has a fertility doctor there (in casual clothes), and he lays out his plan with her. They'd half her Estrogen for a bit, and give her another hormone as well. It's technically a female hormone too, but. In a male body, it produces more little swimmers

Makoto: ...I want to try it

Tae: great. And this one is a pill this time

Makoto: oh thank god

Another month later, Tae and the dude check in. He thinks he can work with this, and tells her to let Haru in on it

Haru sobs into her wife's shoulder. There was a chance? And Makoto, was willing to do something like that for her? It meant the world

Haru: what about you? Your shots...

Makoto: I've felt fine so far. I've never been like, horribly dysphoric. My voice won't just drop drastically, and it's only halving it. I'm fine love, especially if I can make you happy

Two and a half years of monthly visits. Two and a half years of monthly results, being told they need to try again. Over and over, heads leaned together quietly in the car, parked. In their own lot. Not going up to their home yet

Then, late May, right after Hifumi moved in, Tae laughs triumphantly from the other room. Makoto watches as her and her doctor friend hug in celebration through the door, before coming to tell them the good news

Tae: Haru, your counts are consistent with early pregnancy. We can't guarantee it'll stick at this stage, so i want you to relax, take it easy, let your body use it's energy to get that little one to a stable stage

Other doctor: next month? We should be able to do a little ultrasound, look at your baby. Congratulations you two, looks like all our hard work has paid off

Haru's sobbing on the little cot, and Makoto is crying, hugging her all happy.

Haru: we did it,,, Mako, we're gonna have a baby!

Makoto: I've never been so happy in my whole life,,

Tae: neither of you should take the train, I'll give you a ride back to Kichijoji. I'll leave you with a good vitamin for Haru to take every morning with breakfast, to make sure we're doing everything for this to stick

Makoto begins her routine of sitting on Haru's legs are she reads a bit before bed, her (borrowed from Makoto) shirt rolled up to reveal her belly

"Hey squirt, this is your mom. The other one, since Haru's got you in there." Traces the bit of pudge Haru has, adoration in her eyes. "I can't wait to meet you, little miracle. Neither can your mama, but she gets to have you now. I can wait while you two bond"

Haru: Mako, Tae said it might not fully take,

Makoto: I, working towards a psych doctorate-

Haru: you're on a years break from your studies

Makoto: not important. I believe, they'll have a better chance if I show em a little love. Your love is what gets me through the day, so

Once they get that confirmation that baby looks like it'll make it, Makoto is asked if she wants to switch back to her regular doses

Makoto: ...if we decide to try for another, would I just have to go through this again? Or would staying on this course be better?

Haru: Makoto-

Tae: honestly? Stay like this for now. As long as you still feel fine, this is safer in that regard. It took so long for this one to go through, there's no guarantee it'll happen again if you stop

Haru: no, she's going back-

Makoto: so you only want one?

Haru:

Makoto: I'll stay on this course. The second I feel bad, I'll go back. I promise. But I don't wanna be the reason we can't have anothrr

Haru, staring at her wife without her shirt, humming and swaying while cradling their son to her chest, a look of complete adoration on her face: oh, we are so having at least another baby

[quasieli]

top six: fictional characters that give you gender envy, flowers, little things that make you happy and d&d moments :D

Ooh lotsa questions!

Gender Envy:

1) Bow from She-Ra (2018). Something about buff athletic dude who wears crop tops and is soft as hell is very Gender to me.

2) Vax from Critical Role. Pretty boy, kinda goth rogue? That’s sexy as hell and I wish that was me. 

3) In a wildly different idea of gender envy, I’ve been thinking about it lately and @quantum-lesbian’s character in the Frostmaiden game I’m in with them, Ambrose, is Big Gender. Beautiful non-binary drow with a starry and kinda witchy aesthetic that dresses super grandly and ostentatiously no matter the occasion? Yes please.

4) Pete from The Unsleeping City, specifically season two. I adore season one Pete but season two Pete that works in a queer bookshop and has a teapot arcane focus, is artsy and is unapologetically a trans man who doesn’t give a shit about gender roles? Sign me the fuck up.  

5) Beau from Critical Role. Buff GNC lesbian mixed with academia, but like academia from the prospective of a grad student with ADHD trying to learn everything about their special interests? A+, I love her and I’m jealous. 

6) I’m gonna cheat a lil bit for this last one. I know the prompt is fictional characters, but Julia Lepetit and Jacob Andrews in their Hitman streams? Simultaneously both of them were Gender for me. Jacob esp felt like that for me, which is weird cause dresses can make me dysphoric, but I am also slightly envious of the Dude in a Dress type of gender presentation. 

Can you tell that I’m a confused trans masc enby

Gonna put it under the cut from here cause oof, there’s still a lot more.

Flowers:

1) Big slut for Sunflowers, always have been, always will be.

2) Fun fact, my dad’s family used to own a flower shop (in like the 70s, so I never got to see it :(), and one of their big things was hydrangeas. My dad has always loved them and now I love the snowballs too!  

3) A recent favorite, the Baker’s Globe Mallow. It’s a type of flower that only grows from the soils of forests that have been affected by wildfires. It’s a simple little flower but I love the idea of something beautiful rising from the ashes after tragedy. A little dramatic, but I’m queer, ofc I’m dramatic.

4) Roses are another important flower to my family (Rose was a family name for a couple generations), and ya know, they’re a classic. 

5) There’s this beautiful magnolia tree in front of my house that blooms with the most beautiful white and pink flowers every spring, and it’s one of my favorite things to see every year. 

6) There’s so many different types of Lillies and they’re all very pretty, but the Purple Stargazer is prob my favorite.

Little Things That Make Me Happy:

1) My cat, Maddie. She may be a cranky girl at times, but she is also very sweet and will always be my baby (even though she is 12). 

2) Not a little thing really, but my best friend. Just getting a sweet/silly text from her or the two of us chilling in a room, sitting in a comfortable silence because we just like being together, nothing better. 

3) Baking, esp if I’m doing it for others. I’m not much of a sweets person myself, a little treat every once in a while type person, but I love baking. It’s a very relaxing process for me, even when it can sometimes get stressful, but seeing people enjoying something I made, especially something that brought me great joy to make, is simply the best. 

4) In the same sorta vein, crafting and other art, but that’s a bit more personal. I love making things for others, but art, particularly drawing, is something I do more for me. It’s such a great feeling when you can get into a really good art mood and just sink yourself into a project. I love it.

5) My plush toys. Yes, I am a 23 year old, no I will not stop loving my plushies. I just got a few new friends, which I made a post about recently, and they such good cuddle buddies. However, there is one king amongst them all. I have this old, beat up christmas puppy beanie baby, on his tag named Jingle Pup, but I just call him Jingle. I had one version of him since I was like 6, but he currently lives on a shelf cause he is very beaten up and fragile, but his “brother”, who I got when I was 8, is still in kinda good shape and is currently chilling on my chest as I type this lol.

6) Again, not a little thing, but it’s important to mention; D&D. The game itself is such a joy, but truly the best part of it is the people. I love creating stories and memories with people through this weird little game. Truly one of my favorite things to do.

D&D Moments:

These are all gonna be personal moments, rather than anything from actual play shows/podcasts. RC is Reforged Campaign, where I play Saube, and FM is Frostmaiden, where I play Sparks.

1) RC - Meeting Mahety, Saube’s girlfriend. We met her way back in session 12 and we are now up to like session 73. Saube saw her and was immediately big heart eyes at her but also felt a bit awkward and shy. So, being a game a dice, I decided to roll. 10 or higher, Saube would talk to her, 9 or lower, she’d stay put. I rolled a 17, 17 is now a lucky number for me. I love Mahety and I’d die for her. 

2) FM - This was an insane fight that should not have been so crazy, but in a fairly early session, my group went up against an angry druid and her awakened animals. So much batshit stuff happened in that fight, and we unfortunately lost our bread loving bard (RIP Agneyis), but one of my favorite combat turns happened in this fight. Our artificer, Omaren, has a robe of useful items and one of the patches on it creates a large pit. Thinking quickly, Omaren tore off the patch, slid it under one of the dire wolves we were fighting and created a looney tunes style pit under it, allowing us to take it out easily via pot shots. Such a clutch move and such a funny visual, especially because the dire wolf kept failing the checks to get out of the pit.  

3) RC - Saube’s Zebrith (I will never remember how this actually spelled RIP). So, for context, Saube ended up with a death curse (long story) that mechanically meant they had disadvantage on any death saving throws. Scary as hell, need to get that fixed! So, Saube and their party had to be smuggled into another country to talk with some religious leaders of a goddess known as The First, the goddess of death. They were told that Saube would have to go through the aforementioned ritual, which included her soul leaving her body for a short period of time. During this ritual, her friends had to call back to her, to say things that would bring her back to her body and I still cry thinking about that game. That ritual was not only important for Saube bodily, but spiritually as well. After that ritual, Saube officially became a cleric of The First! 

4) A real sappy one, RC - Saube meeting all of her friends. Anyone who follows along with the rantings on my blog probably knows how important this game is to me. I met this random group of strangers on tumblr and formed a D&D party with them and now, a year and a half later, I honestly think it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I know that sounds silly and dramatic but not only has this game brought me so much joy and comfort, but I also gained a group of really amazing friends who have been nothing but amazing since day one. As much as Saube knows she can depend on SICL, I know I can depend on my group of weirdos lol. We both love our friends very much and even though we’ve all been through some crazy shit, we wouldn’t change it for the world.    

5) RC - Just playing Saube in general. I really didn’t intend for it to be this way, but Saube is very much a reflection of myself. She is the first long term character I have ever played and so much of me is in her. I try not to treat D&D like therapy, because that’s unfair to my DM and fellow party members, but playing Saube has allowed me to work through some of my own problems, especially social anxiety, in a lot safer of an environment. It isn’t so much that I’m asking this game to help me fix my life, but playing out these scenarios that, in the real world, would make me anxious or make me freak out, I can stop, take a moment to breathe and work out these issues in a way that makes sense to me. Playing her has led me to understanding myself a bit better, as well, and that’s truly such a wonderfully unexpected gift from this whole experience. 

6) Lastly, a silly one: RC - Getting a crit 6. The last session of this game got real interesting. Saube’s party ended up in the ethereal plane and magic got real fucky there. So, any time any of us tried to cast a spell, we’d roll a d20, not look at the result, and then try to guess what number rolled. The closer to the number, the better the result. A few times, a few people managed to get within like 3 or 4 of their roll, but oh the power I felt when I rolled a 6 (on Saube’s die!) and guessed it correctly! So, not only did the spell (Bless) work, but it worked super well. So instead of getting +1d4 to attack rolls and saving throws, Saube and two other party members got +2d4 to attacks, saving throws and skill checks. So powerful I broke the rules of D&D lmao. 

[theworldsoul]

Uhh warning VENT!!! Talks about self harm and shit... also religious bullshit and gender bullshit??? Like I'm really trans and also Catholicism really fucked me up so if ur uncomfy with that just... skip this post. Also if ur Christian and can't handle seeing ur shit defaced then skip this post. Also if ur gonna clown on this post as "cringe atheism" then fuck you because I'm literally coping with pain lol

:readmore:

Anways now that the disclaimer is over... here comes the real shit.

I... have been going through a LOT lately, jesus christ. I was HAPPY today, yknow? I thought I was gonna be happy the whole day.

I was dancing today. That's how happy I was. For the first time in like... a whole year... I was really so happy. I thought I was gonna cry. But then I got home. And well,,,, I did cry. But not from happiness. I just got my math grade back. A fucking 49 percent. MY AVERAGE RIGHT NOW IS A 57 PERCENT. I MIGHT FAIL MATH 20. I MIGHT HAVE TO RETAKE IT. oh my god I'm such a failure I cant do anything ever i try SO fucking hard but honestly??? I cant fucking do this. I can't, I'm not mentally capable. "Just work harder"... BITCH I AM WORKING AS HARD AS I CAN. I AM SPENDING HOURS AND HOURS OF MY LIFE STUDYING AND PRACTICING. I'm starting to think that how hard i try doesn't even fucking matter because I'm STUPID and all i know how to do is PAINT SHIT!!!! NOBODY CARES ABOUT ART!!!! IF I FAIL THIS CLASS I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO HAVE A HOUSE IN THE FUTURE!!!! A HOUSE!!!!!

I dont even want to be a fucking orthodontist. Okay??? I wanna do what I love: painting. But NOOOO. I have to get a "respectable" job that will "pay me enough money to live". WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO MAKE MONEY TO LIVE??? WTF??? THATS LITERALLY SO FUCKED UP. everyone deserves to live (unless they like murdered someone? I guess? Idk) BUT LIKE I DIDNT KILL NO ONE SO WHATS ALL THIS BS ABOUT WORKING TO LIVE???? WTF??? I rly gotta do all this shit I hate, all this shit I'm mentally incapable of doing... so i can have a house. Fuck this. Yknow with my average at a 57... I might fail this class even if I get a really good grade on my next quiz. Can you fucking believe it??? I'm literally so fucking stupid I cant even pass a dumb fucking math class god i hate myself. I cant fail this class. I've NEVER failed a class. Almost failed... but never HAD TO RETAKE A CLASS. that's the ultimate failure. I think my parents would hate me if I failed this.

And on top of that... I'm really struggling with uhhh, dysphoria and body image... and it's so fucking horrible man I want to rip all my skin off I want to suffocate god I want to KILL him I want to MAKE HIM SUFFER. I want to gouge his eyes out and force him to eat them. WHY WOULD HE MAKE ME LIKE THIS????? WHY????? WHATS THE POINT IN MAKING A CHILD SUFFER SO MUCH???

What did I ever do that was so wrong I deserved all this punishment???

Well FUCK YOU and fuck your stupid book and FUCK THESE STUPID FUCKING SAINTS. WASNT THERE SUPPOSED TO BE A WHOLEASS ANGEL WATCHING OVER ME?? PROTECTING ME??? WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT BITCH NOW?? WHERE WAS THAT BITCH WHEN... when I was being bullied? When I literally wanted to kill myself?

Where was that guardian angel when I kept making THE SAME MISTAKE over and over again and I KNEW it was wrong but I kept doing it anyways because it was the only way I could feel like soemone cared about me????

I bet that angel motherufcker KNEW they didnt care. DID THE ANGEL EVER ONCE HELP ME??? NOOOO. all those times I was bruised and broken... all those times...

Man, I was just a kid. I was SO fucking young. And I would come like a lamb to the slaughter and kneel. I would pray... ask for guidance. I would pray the rosary too, I would read the bible and try my very best to understand it, I would go to church and volunteer at church and do my best to be a Good Boy and never sin. I did EVERYTHING right. I literally fasted at some point, like a religious fast. I was devoted...

Honestly though? I think it was the same mistake I make over and over again, except not with a real person.

And you have me NOTHING. GO GIRL, GIVE US NOTHING!!!!!!! I literally used to self-punish for the sins I couldnt bring myself to confess. At my communion, there was one sin I didn't tell because I knew it was unforgivable. I still hate myself for that. But man, I used to try and do all sorts of things to somehow cleanse myself of it. I figured THAT whole ordeal was why I was constantly being tortured.

But I was stupid and I am stupid and that makes NO SENSE because if the thing I'm being punished for happened when I was a child, WHY DID THE PUNISHMENT BEGIN AT MY BIRTH????

They used to tell me that god handcrafted every part of me specifically for some sort of grand reason.

Why.

Really? This bitch really "handcrafted" me just so I could cry and cut myself nearly every night??? Fuck that. Like why would you make me this way. It hurts more than you can IMAGINE. The only reason I'm not dead yet is because of ME, MY strength, not any of the bullshit YOU gave me. I hate when people say "oh, god made u so hardworking" or "oh, god made you so passionate/hopeful/full of love/fiery/whatever" LIKE STFU BITCH THAT WAS NOT SKYDADDY THAT WAS ME!!!

you wanna know what he made me?

dysphoric, ugly af, yeah.... but the worst part?

He made me feel.

That doesn't sound bad, right? Well it's the worst thing on the list. It is my downfall, my Achilles heel or whatever. This emotions shit??? It RUINED my life. My whole life I was cursed with a fucking monster inside me. I kept trying to tell everyone that it wasnt me!!! I kept telling them that it felt like I was being possessed. But adults are SHIT. I hate adults. I want to kill them all. They failed me and their god failed me. None of them every listened to me. All they knew how to do was punish, punish, punish.

It's like giving an allergic kid some peanuts and then getting angry at them for going into anaphylactic shock or whatever. Nobody ever thought "hey, why don't we stop giving the kid peanuts?"

ALL THE ADULTS AROUND ME ACT LIKE CHILDREN AND THEY ALWAYS HAVE ACTED LIKE CHILDREN FUCK ADULTS

Anwyays that's how I ended up with all these unresolved issues,.... emotion is a tough one, like I literally dont have the ability to control my emotions at all, I can try and like, repress them but I cant make myself actually feel less.

My emotion hurts more than anyone else's and nobody ever understood that. I would tell them that it hurts, it PHYSICALLY HURTS, and they would say I just wanted attention. I would tell them I literally couldnt control what my body said and did, I would tell them I felt like A PUPPET ON STRINGS and no one believed me. Fuck them.

Healthy coping mechanisms? I literally self ship with Snape to cope. I literally self ship with characters my brain made up and put in my dreams to cope. I used to hurt myself so much trying to feel loved and cared about irl. Fiction is so much better. I sound like a loser but its TRUE. The sort of thing I need, the sort of love I need is like... a parent. You can't go looking for a parent in a romantic partner, it fucks everything up and you end up... well, let's just say it proabbly wasnt the most legal thing, but I wasnt thinking strisght at all I mean dude I was So fucked in my head when I did all that...whatever...anyways so thank u for fiction!!! I love fiction. Want to kill someone? Draw it. Then you'll feel much better!!! And you dont go to jail!!!

Well the pics here... idk, it was really calming to do this. It's new, painting over religious shit. I was gonna do the whole bible but I already burnt that shit so.... and I was going to cut but I'm trying really hard to stay clean... like really hard. It's so weird and like, addicting, once I hit styro I don't want to stop, but also it kinda transfers the emotional pain to physical pain, making it way easier to deal with. I just can't keep doing that because I KNOW it's bad and look I thoguht I was clean for a whole year but then I fucked up and WOW, GUESS WHAT MADE ME RELAPSE??? MATH CLASS!!!!

Whatever anyways here are my wonderful works of art I made while crying and cursing god (like I'm so pissed at all this catholic bs I believed in him again just to swear at him lol)

.... but imagine for a moment, a better world. One in whcih these saints whose images I've defaced are actually good people... a world in which they SEE ME AND THEY HEAR ME... and I go unpunished.... and I am embraced by someone who UNDERSTANDS.

I think I would cry.

Too bad that world doesnt exist and I just made it up to try and feel a bit better. Whatever, whatever. I painted the things, they're gonna dry. I work hard, I'm gonna do good on my quiz, I hope. I just have to be making it through, that's all it is, work work work without a break but I can proabbly do it. I'm really slipping I admit like the mental health is slipping it's getting worse like I havent had a "fuck I am afab" moment in such a long time so yeah...

Anwyays I feel so much better now that I did my little art project yknow???

[coffeebeannate]

Possibly Nonsensical ToG Representation: Personal Perspective

Nate nobody wants to read six thousand paragraphs of your inane ramblings okay?

Well maybe that IS the case, maybe SO but maybe I’m going to ramble anyway. And maybe I’ll never ever undraft this post because well who knows.

I ended up not drafting it, I just posted. Because why not. Pls don’t regret this, future me.

BUT.

I will say that, one thing that The Old Guard did that really stuck out to me, and has only continued to do so since reading others posts about it was, ironically, send my dysphoria sky-fucking-high.

(Not in a wholly bad way, that is!)

(For the record, I’m 29, and an AFAB pre-T trans guy, pre-T in like pre ANYTHING, I’m barely out publicly to anyone that isn’t a personal or really close friend, or like, my therapist, anywho)

In most cases, my dysphoria is on a very low simmer, there, but something I try to ignore because of circumstances, etc. It’s always a bother, sure, but well, I live, I guess.

So, I’m a Marvel fan, and in most cases..people I see on TV have been, well, lets be real-Chris Evans. Standard Hollywood types. I do have other examples of less ‘classically’ attractive actors on my list of things I like to watch, and absorb, and I’m a basic person who has basic ass thoughts sometimes. Those people are hot, those people appeal to the most innate feelings of people who feel things from attractive looking people.

But in my head, it’s ALWAYS been through the lens of ‘This is nice to look at. Utterly unrealistic, but nice.”

(I actually only recently learned about using dehydration to get those looks, and it further cements Hollywood shadiness, but anyway)

So for me, AMAB and men on TV have never really done much to my dysphoria. It’s not a look I’d ever have..so it never set off those bells in my head. I dislike having an AFAB body, sure, but it’s not like looking at the equivalent of a modified human art project on TV really did anything to it.

And then..the Old Guard

Fuck this is long, more under the cut.

So I want to point out that I LIKE action movies. I like things that blow up and gun fights on TV. I get a kick out of the dramatics and I’ve been in the Bond fandom since Craig Bond became a thing. I have some familiarity with the genre in general, on a low scale. And again, the Marvel fandom ofc. I also like comic books, and have for years. 

None of these things are new to me.

But what is new, I think, is seeing it done differently.

I’ve noticed a HUGE difference in reviews of the Old Guard. On sites like IMDB.com. YouTube, etc, it’s..not getting the best reviews. And I know now why that is-it wasn’t MADE for the audience action movies are usually made for. And if you compare the comic for the Old Guard to the movie, it’s VERY obvious where Gina Prince-Bythewood made changes with Greg Rucka (And possibly Leandro Fernandez) to give it a better appeal over all. (Especially with giving the characters more layers, even in two hours, and making the story have more of a family and emotional value, which is a great choice and I wholly applaud her and her team. The team feels so much more lived-in in the film than in the comics, though I’ve not read through Vol 2 yet)

Compared to Tumblr, where people are raving about the movie *myself included*, and people who NEVER see themselves in a movie, let alone in a movie done WELL are flipping over themselves over it. And I am in that group entirely.

It has been an absolute delight to see people raving about this. Maybe it’s not perfect, but it’s so incredibly important to people who don’t ever get any GOOD representation that isn’t terribly forced, overdone, stereotyped, etc.

Is Old Guard perfect? No, is it really nice to see yourself in a movie outside of your ‘assigned genre’ (alternative films, etc)

Have I watched it six goddamned times since it came out? Yes, I have. I’m down this rabbit hole, I am living here.

Which brings me back to the original point I was making before this spawned into something entirely different. 

“How did that make you dysphoric, then, Nate?”

Because, to be perfectly blunt, I want to link this post here, by @lindstrom2020 which hammered home why, and that point is that, there is virtually 0 sexualization of the characters. There is nothing gratuitous about bodies on screen here, nothing. And we never.ever.see.that.

And no, I’m not going to pretend like I don’t eyeball people on screen. I’m not devoid of sexuality, I am entirely pansexual. But that’s not what I’m trying to say here. I think that, well..seeing bodies that are still entirely masculine, and yet not..what’s the word I want..’done up’? Made all the difference in the world. For the first time, I saw, on TV, an average body, presented in a way that makes it look good, strong and almost achievable. Almost completely NORMAL in that way.

And no, none of the actors in the movie are unattractive. Not even a little bit. They’re still really goddamned pretty. But it was JARRING to see them as pretty but fairly average appearing.

And my brain..synapsed.

As a trans dude, I’m going to straight up say it’s VERY hard to envision what your post-transition body might appear as. It will never be entirely cis-looking (if you will) the way a body that’s biologically created will be, if you will. So you’re stuck working with so much imagination, so much of it relies on looking at post-transition bodies, those done after surgery and YEARS of hormones and even then not knowing.

And for me, well I’m tall, bulky and overweight. I’m also curved, and have a massive back, broad shoulders and long tree trunk like legs. (None of this is said to be a put down on my end, btw, I’m not fishing for compliments, this is the best way I can describe it)

(None of the characters are overweight, so obviously there’s still something there too that’s left to my own imagination, but I digress)

But! There is still something REALLY fucking validating about seeing men on screen who are still attractive without dehydrated abs and veined out skin because the flesh is crying out for sustenance.

I dunno..for me, it was just..strange to see. And there’s also something really really fucking NICE about queer people in the action genre that haven’t been shoved to the back of the movie, appear for five seconds and leave so the movie can scratch of ‘representation’ on it’s proverbial audience appealing points card.

And I’m sure if I watched more movies on my watch list, and stuff that’s been recommended to me I will find more! I know they’re out there, but for the Old Guard, it’s a genre I’d actually watch, something that APPEALED to me and was easy to get into because with my ADHD-Autism, it’s hard to get invested at times. So 2 hours was a good starting point.

Especially if I had to take breaks *but I didn’t need to, it was engaging enough for my wandering head*.

Wow this is messy, I stg I meant for this to be cleaner, but, anyway.

The overall thing is that the Old Guard makes me feel things I really do not usually feel watching movies. Sure it’s still a fantasy, sure it’s still got flaws, but wow if it isn’t just..really goddamned nice to connect to something outside of the box.

It’s not perfect, nothing is.

But Old Guard has done various forms of representation RIGHT, it has done extremely valid and important things. And since I’m old enough to remember the NONSENSE when Brokeback Mountain came out and it was called ‘career ending’ for it’s actors..to see this is just..

It’s nice.

And I KNOW that this movie and series is always going to hold a special place in my heart as a result.

A lot of others have made excellent representation posts, and I wasn’t going to publish my jumbled up nonsense thoughts, but feck it.

It’s not coherent really-my thoughts never are, and it’s long and rambling, but hell, so is my brain.

[felsdumpsterfire]

Do you have any headcanons for knight cookie? Or any of the characters?

OOOOOOOOOHHHH, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, ANON???? I HAVE SO MANY

I hope you don’t mind me rambling about some relationship headcanons that I have too, haha

(Also if you want to request more character for later, please feel free! I’m gonna stick with Knight for now because I just have so many, jaldkjf-)

Knight Cookie Headcanons

I got this headcanon from somewhere else, but you can pry it from my cold, dead hands: Knight Cookie is trans

He and Princess Cookie have known each since before he knew his gender and, later on, his transition 

He was best friends with Fire Spirit Cookie until all the shit with Pitaya went down; now his super salty at Fire Spirit, but still wants to pursue and maybe rekindle the relationship they once had

He’s super into Rockstar Cookie’s music. No one would think it, but he’s a mega nerd for this guy- he’s one of his biggest fans!

He prefers to keep his helmet on, even when he doesn’t have to because people either mix him up for a very handsome lady or a little boy and he hates it 

If he’s ever feeling dysphoric about himself, he’ll call his closest friends, so either Princess or Pistachio or White Choco, and they’ll get together and have a nice little cuddle session

He likes to go out adventuring by himself every once in a while and explore places he’s never seen- he gets ecstatic if he finds anything cool he can bring home as a souvenir to his friends

When he was younger he used to have long hair because his crush Dark Choco Cookie (this was before the curse) really liked his hair

He used to stay up hours with Dark Choco as he combed out his hair

But he cut it soon after Dark Choco got taken over by the curse

He has a huge scar on his stomach from where Dark Choco stabbed him. He swears that it still throbs

Has a lot of guilt over that- he feels he should have done more, even though he couldn’t have known what was going to happen at all

He has a deep hatred of dragons due to his village being burned down by one

He knows there’s more dragons out there; he just hopes they’re smart enough to stay away

Him and Fire met by chance when he still considered himself a girl and the two hit it off real quick 

Fire Spirit was the one who taught him how to use a sword and his main weapon, the lance, he just built off of that and made the styles his own

He has a really unique way of wielding his  lance that makes him a highly sought after knight

Princess has to shoo off other royals because they try to convince her to give him to them- but like hell she’ll do that!

He and Adventure Cookie have a really strong bond 

The two share stories and will stay up all night just chattering

Knight only opens up to certain people, otherwise he’s very stoic and calm- he might even come off as stern to the new recruits

Loves Pistachio Cookie as a little sister and always has her back 

He’s tired 25/8 and just needs a good nap

But, between the castle always being under some sort of brink of destruction danger, him going out on expeditions to look for Dark Choco cookie and Fire Spirit, his unbridled guilt giving him insomnia, and Raspberry basically harassing him at all hours of the day to fight him- this boy gets little to no sleep

He relaxes by reading books

He’s basically taken in Angel Cookie and treats the little pal as his own kid, so he’ll end up reading to them as they snuggle up next to him and drift to sleep

Roll Cake Cookie likes to hang around Knight because Knight knows how it feels to not fit in, so they’re like kindred spirits that come together

Also he feeds him, so what more could he possibly need? 

Knight is just really good with kids and is usually designated as the baby sitter if anyone needs someone to watch their kids

He almost screamed when he met Unicorn Cookie- HE. LOVES. HORSES.

Highkey headcanon that he grew up on a farm and was recruited as a knight because of how skilled he was with weaponry 

He’s a shorty- 5′3″ and gets teased about it all the time

He’s one of the most skilled fighters in all of the kingdom- he can and will kick your ass

He’s a fucking horse whisperer, bro

He can’t stand goats tho. They have freaky eyes and he doesn’t trust them 

He’s punched Dino Cookie in the face because he was being a little shit, and no, he doesn’t like him either because he doesn’t know half of what he’s talking about with that entire “but dragons are so cool crap” and what do you mean he sounds like an old man???? What the fuck is a Boomer, Princess-

Fucking broke his nose and was ready to curb stomp a bitch before a (very impressed) Purple Yam Cookie stepped in 

He’s a really good brawler too, like, RIP you if you ever have to fight him with or without a weapon, he’ll kill you

He has... the driest humor... He’s also shit at picking up any jokes

Like, everyone else could be wheezing and he’ll be sitting there with a straight face not knowing why the fuck everyone is laughing and then you just hit him with a dad joke and he’s gone

Gets along amazingly with Ice Captain Cookie

He’s pretty good at cooking

Knight needs to really cry, but he’s emotionally constipated, my pooR DUDE

Princess likes to paint his nails and he lets her

His favorite armor is the Rose one because Princess had that specially designed for him, so it has a lot of good memories in it

He also loves the color pink

He’s really oblivious to when people have crushes on him. He has more things to worry about then if people like like him or not 

When he gets his hands on Dark Enchantress Cookie, she’s dead, my guy, D-E-A-D 

DEAD

Ok, I’m ending them there because??? This is already 1000 words with just headcanons, jdsjkfls, I still have so many moooooore, well, I’m gonna go to sleep now, night! Hope you enjoy them!

[slowlyshytheorist]

I wanna tell my story

This is gonna be a long post and I don’t know who will read this and maybe those of you who do will already know most of it, but for the first time i will tell the whole story in one stretch.

My name is Alex. My name has always been Alex, but i didn’t figure that out till about 6 months ago. To tell this right i gotta go back a little further than that though. I have a friend who just finished her bachelor i psychology and every time I have told her about my family and how i was treated growing up she’d say that it’s a wonder i don’t have a mental illness. The first times I laughed with her at it, but eventually there was this little voice that kept saying “but maybe i do”. A little over a year ago i started noticing it. The symptoms. I was struggling with making it through my every day life. Struggling to get out of bed, to cook, to eat, it was all just too much. But due to the bagage from my childhood, i just kept it to myself and pretended that nothing was wrong. In the middle of this dark period where i could barely survive i did something. I was drinking one night and ended up sleeping with some random dude at my dorm. I barely remember, all i know is that the next day i felt horrible. I thought back to a question that my friend once asked me, about my sexuality, and i found myself googling “How to know if you are asexual”. It took me about a day to build up the courage to text my friend and tell her what had happened. I felt wrong for days after. Not because I’m ace, but because I’m sex negative and I had violated my own boundaries.  A few months passed and i accepted it, I even learned to be proud of my sexuality. It was harder to admit that i’m aromantic as well, because it felt like that was the same as giving up on the notion that i would ever have a SO. I do want that some day, and i know now that i can find that person, my person, as i like to refer to them. I came out to my family and they took it... not bad, but not what i had expected either. My sister’s reaction was the worst. At first she laughed as if it was ridiculous. I tried to explain that i was serious but she kept laughing. It wasn’t until her husband, who was there too, told her that it was real, that she stopped laughing and started listening to me. I thought that was the end of it, but one day she made a homophobic comment and i called her out on it. Her “defense” was that anyone who is not straight is a biological mistake. That there is nothing wrong with it, but that it doesn’t change the fact that it’s a mistake, a flaw in our DNA. She still believes this. The rest of my family just didn’t care. not in a “we don’t care what your sexuality is, we love you anyway” way, more in a “we don’t care about what happens in your life” way. Still it was better that my sister, i suppose.  Through all this, my depression was still undiagnosed, but raging and incapacitating me on a daily basis. Luckily i had found a support system. I found a server of likeminded people. They were becoming my family, since my “real” family had let me down. It wasn’t long till the next big life altering revelation hit me. I’m not cis. And the feeling i have had my entire life relating to my name, has a name. It’s called dysphoria and it explains so much. My server family helped me find my real name, Alex. Well technically Alexandria, but most days are Alex days. It wasn’t long after this that i hit rock bottom, i snapped at the people i care about and acted like a huge jerk because i was miserable. I decided to get help. I got diagnosed with depression and I started treatment almost immediately.  A few months passed where i went by Alex online, but not irl. I felt more and more dysphoric about being deadnamed, so i decided to tell my family that i was changing my name. I kept my gender to myself because i doubt that would be received better than my sexuality was. I got one response, my mom saying that it would be hard. That is all, the rest ignored me. A few more weeks and i got confirmation, my name had officially been changed and i had a full day of euphoria. Which is saying a lot considering i still had a depression. A couple of days later i went to visit my family a weekend for my little brother’s birthday. I made it through a day and a half of being deadnamed and being ignored when i corrected them. My sister would send me annoyed looks though, but that was the most reaction i got until she snapped. She told me straight up that she would never be calling me Alex and that she was furious with me for doing this without consulting with them first. She told me that I was being rude and inconsiderate and forcing this upon them. I was expecting a confrontation, but not one this bad. Even so, I had my reaction ready. I got up and calmly said “Fine, then i will be leaving now” My mom tried to stop me, but she took my sisters side and after some yelling and some tears i ended up storming out of there. i spent the 15 minute walk to the busstop sobbing uncontrollably. I sent a text to my brother, apologising for leaving before his birthday party, but promising to make it up, then i called my dad’s girlfriend, who does accept my name change, and told her what happened. Then i called my friend and told her too, i was crying most of the way to the train station, but by the time i got home (3 hours later) i was out of tears.  I since talked to my mom about it all. She will try to accommodate my name change, but she still hasn’t admitted that she was in the wrong. I fear that our relationship won’t ever be the same. My sister refuses to acknowledge my existence and hasn’t said a word to me in 4 months.  That brings us to the present. My medication is working and i am getting through my depression much better now. I am surrounding myself with people who respect me enough to actually call me my name and letting the rest be. I am learning to stand up for myself. The next step for me is something i have been planning since before my name was officially changed. I am gonna have a funeral for my deadname, i’m gonna bury all my old id cards and some other stuff i have with that name on it. It started as a goof, but I don’t have any more reason to postpone it and suddenly I am anxious about it. I realise that it has come to mean so much more to me and even thinking about it makes me tear up. I can’t put words on my feelings, but my friend did quite a good job guessing: “I am thinking it is because it is all of it at once. It is a farewell to, but also a reminder that, you have been living as something other than yourself for more than 20 years, and the box you have been put in always. It is a manifestation of your entire process where you have figured out who you are. It is a symbol of your entire battle to be allowed to be you and to get others to respect the human you actually are. It is the relief over having figured out why your deadname has always felt weird. It is the joy of actually being named something that feels right and feels like you. It is the symbol of so many fundamental things by you that is finally being allowed to live in the world, and that is a big package of emotions in one action”

So this is my story. I have been through some things. I know many have it worse, but that doesn’t mean my experience wasn’t bad. It doesn’t mean i don’t get to tell my story. I am going to start planning the funeral and i will mark that day in my calendar, like i marked the day i officially became Alex. I will use these two dates as reminders of what i went through. Every year i plan to take a moment and think about where i have been, but more importantly, where i wanna go. I don’t think i will ever come out as nb to my family, but i won’t hide it either. those who see it, may see it, i’m not gonna hide who I am anymore. I am not going back to suppressing myself for anyone. I am going to learn to just be me. 

[brahms--heelshire]

Handsome (USUK)

(A/N): Reblog this version. Also, I’m not sure if anyone noticed the switch but if y’all did, you 100% could’ve yelled at me in my inbox about it. I usually write Arthur in the 1st person, so sometimes I accidentally mess up with 3rd person.

Arthur was exhausted. He’d been misgendered by the cashier at the grocery store and almost dropped the teabags in his hands when he heard the woman call him ‘ma’am’. Basically, it had ruined his entire day.

He avoided the public restrooms. He tried to hide his face as subtly as possible. None of it made him feel more secure about himself. He just wanted to go home and cry in his bed for a couple hours. Arthur normally wasn’t a very sensitive person, but he was rather insecure about his appearance. He was short for a man and had a slender build, both of which made him quite dysphoric. But since he started T and got his chest surgery, he’d been feeling a lot better. It made him look much more masculine, which made him a lot happier as a person.

But he felt like all of that feeling better just shattered. He finally felt like he passed well and he finally fit in as a man, but apparently not. And the feeling that stung in his chest refused to go away.

Upon arriving home, Arthur slammed the door open and then slammed it shut with the same force.

He then rushed up to his room and threw himself on the bed, face buried in his pillows.

Before long, Alfred came up to check on him. He sat down on the bed and started to rub Arthur’s back.

“You okay, babe?” Alfred asked, his voice quiet but steady.

“No,” Arthur mumbled, turning his head so that Alfred could hear him.

“You wanna talk about it, sweetheart? I’m here for you.” Alfred pulled Arthur into his arms, gently setting him down on his lap.

Arthur wrapped his arms around Alfred, lying his head on his shoulder.

“I guess I’ll talk about it. Doubt it’ll make me feel better, though.”

“Then angrily rant! You love to angrily rant about things.”

“I don’t feel good enough to angrily rant. I just want to tell you about what happened. Would you lie with me if I just talked until we fell asleep in each other’s arms?” Arthur honestly felt like shit.

Arthur felt like Alfred was going to make a joke about him not feeling good enough to angrily rant, but he sensed the mood for once, and just stayed silent. After a moment, he lied back, and pulled Arthur onto him so that he was lying on his chest.

“Talk to me for as long as you need to. I’ll always be here, my angel.”

“Do you think I’m handsome?” Arthur’s voice came out far shakier than he meant for it to.

“Of course, dude! You have eyes crafted straight from the heavens. Your face is a work of art. Your voice is nice and deep, which is really soothing, and that accent is to die for. I think you’re way more than handsome, but there’s no word to describe how handsome you are, so I’ll settle for calling you my handsome boyfriend.”

Arthur shakily smiled, snuggling closer to his boyfriend’s chest.

“I’m sorry for all of this. It’s just- the cashier at the grocery store called me ‘ma’am’ and I’ve felt terrible all day.”

“It’s totally okay. Sometimes people need little reminders about how amazing they are.”

“Thank you, sincerely.”

And they drifted off to sleep, head full of little memories of them together.

[neighborhoodcryptid]

ALL THE TRANS MEME ASKS

Welp, you asked for it.

1. what is your gender?

agender! (although I’ve been sorta questioning about just being a dude? but who the fuck knows)

2. what are your pronouns?

they/them

3. what is your gender presentation like?

i try and lean more towards androgynous/masc? sometimes, i’ll toss in like one more feminine item but it’s usually andro/masc.

4. what is your Gender Euphoria Outfit?

OH BOY! i have a dark brown “grandpa sweater” from the thrift store that i love to wear (mostly because it’s large on me and I love being formless), with some black jeans and some men’s dress shoes that i got from the thrift store also. 

5. what makes you feel validated?

when people use my name and pronouns! people at work use my name and it’s so good!

6. top five favorite parts of your body (n why you love them)?

uhhhh fuck. i guess my eyes are okay? i have nice calves lmao. tbh, i’m dysphoric about a lot of it so there’s not a lot i have.

7. favorite trans meme/bit of trans humor?

that post that says “if someone gave me an assigned gender, i would just say no. rip to cis people but i’m different” that shit kills me every time.

8. how did you pick your name?

i’ve just always really liked the name? as a kid i liked it and i always wanted to name a kid that but then plot twist i took it for myself

9. what does your name mean?

according to google, it means “one who descends” or “flowing down” in reference to the jordan river. 

10. do you have any trans pride merch?

not really? i’m not out to my family so i don’t really have any. i have like a little trans flag that i got from a local pride event, but nothing more than that.

11. recent happy trans moment?

hanging with you (llocalcryptid) and literally just being able to talk about gender shit and feel validated? it was great. love you.

12. favorite trans headcanon?

probably gonna have to go with the cliche trans!peter parker. i just really like it

13. favorite canon trans character? (alt: 2nd favorite trans headcanon?)

tbh, i don’t watch a lot of shows with trans characters? (but if yall have suggestions let me know!!) so i’ll just do a second headcanon: i love the idea that steve rogers is trans? i saw a post about it that explained how it would explain why he was so much smaller and a bunch of other stuff. 

14. favorite trans blog(s)/trans blogger(s)?

i don’t really follow any specifically for being trans? but i know i have a bunch of mutuals that are trans and i love them all.

15. favorite trans celebrity?

i don’t know if he counts as a celebrity but i love jamie raines (jammidodger on yt). he makes a+ content and he is just a really nice guy. 10/10

16. song that gives you Big Trans Feels?

the village by wrabel. it makes me cry almost every time

17. something you wish you could tell your younger self?

you’re not broken

18. what would your Ideal Fashion Look be?

yknow dads in cargo shorts and hawaiian shirts? that.

19. (how) does your gender relate to your sexuality?

it doesn’t really. i use bi/pan interchangeably and it doesn’t change with my gender or anything

20. do you have a comfort item?

that brown sweater i was talking about?i literally put that on whenever i wanna feel better lmao

21. what makes you feel euphoric?

binding lmao. im most powerful when im binding, in my euphoria outfit, and being gendered correctly. 

22. what genre of media would you love to see more trans characters in?

uhhhhhhhh all of it???

23. claim something as trans culture.

the entire legend of zelda franchise

24. give some love to your trans friends/mutuals (alt: give some love to the trans community in general)

i don’t know if this means that i should tag them all or not (i don’t wanna tag people if they dont want) but if you’re a mutual or even just follow me and you’re trans, i love you so fucking much and i’m so proud of you

25. what’s your favorite part of being trans?

all the memes that come from it (but also the friends and community i’ve found through the experience)

[lovinmullen]

hi

i’m gonna have a wee lil vent because my emotions are everywhere??

this is gonna be random and hectic, do yourself a favour and just skip it. but if you’ve got this far hey yo ily. take care of yourself. stay safe. stay hydrated. remember to eat, sleep, take all your meds. you’re pretty dope my dude (dudet, hooman / uno any nickname that floats your boat and makes you the most comfortable) 💕💞💘💖

my body is SO fucking disproportionate to a point it makes me heavily dysphoric and it makes me pass less???? idk i have a pretty masculine face and i can make my voice go to a pretty good depth when i need to but my body is just fucking disgusting. my legs are the chubbiest things. if it was muscle it would be okay but it’s all just fat. and my binder doesn’t fit my chest properly and because my chest is pretty big anyway it bulges in everything i wear and it makes me want to *whips* cry.

also i regret so much not buying meet and greet tickets for when i saw TWOTI LIVE nottingham. will looks like he gives such good hugs and stephen just looks like the sweetest fucking gem. i honestly just regret it so much. seeing everyone meet them and how fun and happy it looks i fucking hate myself for not doing it. also there was this dude in front of me who was really fucking nice??? we where talking and like fan girling together??? skekke and it was just really nice +++ he read me as a dude. was using he/him pronouns masculine wording if that makes sense?? and he was honestly such a solid dude and it was so nice to have someone respect me & my pronouns but then he started talking to my dad and he goes to him do you watch their videos (stephen & wills) and my dad goes “god no i’m here because my daughter over here is obsessed” and the dudes expression just dropped and he looked really confused and my dad saying that honestly killed the mood and made me really fucking uncomfortable???? and when i look back on the night all i can remember is that which fucks me up loads lol KMN

also i’m lowkey really annoyed at my mum. she doesn’t deserve it. the women’s class and i love her to pieces but today i was watching Jamie’s new video with Noah and they compared their transition process. i was talking about it to my mum. she immediately sighs tuts and tenses at the mention of transitioning. i know what you guys are thinking ‘she not gonna except you and be okay with it automatically give her time !1!1!11!’ but mate i’ve been out for coming on 4 years now. she’s my biggest supporter in the whole family and she gets uncomfortable regarding medical transitioning which is the thing i want most and that makes me feel so fucking alone because i want her with me through that process. i need her to be with me through that process but she gets so agro and upset and she’s the most supportive person i got and she doesn’t support the thing i want most. idk. it just doesn’t give me a lot of hope man and i feel very fucking alone. i always knew i would have to pay for hormones and surgery myself but i at least wanted emotional support from my mum and i feel i’m not even gonna get that. my god mother is honestly more supportive than my parents combined and she’s told me she’s happy to take care of me through the healing process of top surgery and i am so fucking grateful for her and that but it’s not the same uno??

also if my dad tries to stop me getting a haircut one more fucking time i’m gonna knock someone’s head in. YOU MAKING ME HAVE IT THIS LONG IS MAKING ME DYSPHORIC CUN ALSO ITS MY HAIR NOT YOURS SO STEP THE FUCK DOWN JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

okay i’m done. i’m sorry. please ignore me. today’s just not been a good day.

[bulgariansumo]

Taken from this

How did you choose your name?

I didn’t. Oddly enough, my birth name was given to me because it was supposedly androgynous, so that works. I used to wish I had a more ‘normal’ name, but now I’m pretty indifferent to it.

What gives you the most dysphoria? (Acknowledging that not all trans people experience dysphoria)

I don’t experience physical dysphoria. I don’t know if I experience social dysphoria, but if so, it’s not too intense.

Do you have more physical dysphoria or more social dysphoria?

Social, if I have it. I don’t like being called certain pronouns, but I’m kind of resigned to it. Only on the internet would it really get to me, but thankfully I’ve never had that happen after coming out.

What do you do to perform self-care when you’re feeling dysphoric?

I don’t need self-care when I have loving and accepting friends!

What was the first time you suspected you were transgender? 

It was kind of hard. In my preteens, I would think to myself that I didn’t want to be my assigned gender, but I didn’t quite want to be the other binary gender either. I kind of resigned myself to being my assigned gender until finding out nonbinary genders were a thing.

When did you realize you were transgender?

5-6 years ago?

What is your favorite part of being transgender?

I feel like there’s a certain freedom to it. When you grow up, you’re fed a lot of messages about gender (boys don’t cry, girls are more nurturing), and I never really liked when people tried to justify my personality with stuff like that. Now that I know I’m not cis, I can ignore it.

How would you explain your gender identity to others?

My gender = No

How did you come out? If you didn’t come out, why do you stay in the closet? Or what happened when you were outed?

It’s much easier for me to stay in the closet.

What have your experiences with packing or wearing breast forms been?

None.

What are your experiences with binding or tucking?

None.

Do you pass?

Technically yes, since having no gender means (ideally) having no gender expectations. I’d like to look androgynous, but I can’t do that socially without tipping people off, and physically, with my body type, it would be a challenge anyway.

What (if any) steps do you want to take to medically transition?

Maybe hormones? But that’s hard to do while staying closeted. I don’t necessarily need them for myself.

How long have you been out?

5-6 years online

What labels have you used before you’ve settled on your current set?

None other than my assigned gender

Have you ever experienced transphobia?

Not directly, but I did have the misfortune of hearing the Apache helicopter joke irl

What do you do when you have to go to the bathroom in public?

Public bathrooms are a den of filth. I would never step foot in one willingly unless it was an emergency.

How does your family feel about your trans identity?

I don’t know, but given how they talk about trans people, I don’t want to

Would you ever go stealth, and if you are stealth, why do you choose to be stealth?

I literally can’t; that is not a luxury I have. There’s not really a way to be ‘stealth’ when you’re nonbinary. You either have to tell people upfront or let them assume what gender you are.

What do you wish you could have shared with your younger self about being trans?

I probably would’ve told myself what a transmed was so that didn’t affect my entire stance on whether or not I’m trans. But I also would tell myself that being nonbinary doesn’t necessarily mean I have to ID as trans either.

Why do you use the pronouns you use?

I like them! And they too!

Do your neurodivergencies affect your gender?

I don’t know if I’m neurodivergent or not.

What’s your biggest trans-related fear?

Being outed to my family. That would not be ideal.

What medical, social, or personal steps have you already taken to start your transition?

I came out online.

What do you wish cis people understood?

Respecting trans and other non-cis people isn’t impossible. I’ve met a decent amount of cis people who are really cool about it, and I appreciate them a lot.

The sanctity of the English language is not and never will be a hill to die on. Using singular they/them will not kill anyone.

What impact has being trans affected your life?

Things make a lot more sense now! I’m really glad I found out I’m nonbinary.

What do you do to validate yourself?

Write! Creating the representation I want to see, and seeing other people enjoy it, is really helpful!

How do you feel about trans representation in media?

It’s improving, but could be better.

Who is your favorite trans celebrity?

I don’t really know all that much about trans celebrities. I think there’s like 5 I can name total? Asia Kate Dillon interested me in particular, because before hearing about them, I never knew there was a nonbinary character on US television that wasn’t a robot or an alien, let alone a celebrity that publicly identified as nonbinary, and got to play said character! It’s really cool, and I really appreciate them for being out there.

Who is the transgender person who has influenced you the most?

@rontufox. He was the first person I ever knew to mention the word ‘genderqueer’ and was the guy that reblogged the post that made me realize my identity. Great dude, great friend, really understanding and an inspiration for how to treat other people in general! I love you, bro!

How are you involved with the trans community, IRL or online?

Other than having trans friends and reblogging an occassional post… not much. I have little idea what the nonbinary community is like, what problems they have or face. Does an organized nonbinary community even exist? I’ve seen and heard a lot more discussion about and by trans men and women, but can’t really say I ‘know’ their communities, because I’m not either of those identities.

How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years?

The same.

What trans issue are you most passionate about?

Representation in media. There’s a lot of trans stories to tell, but not many are being told, and the ones that are are often by cis people which creates… issues, to say the least.

What advice would you give to other trans people, or what message would you like to share with them?

No one is immune to misogyny. Please examine how you treat/behave toward women. On the other hand, ragging on men just for the sake of ragging on men doesn’t really do any good for anyone and can easily reinforce harmful beliefs. People who choose to belittle or ignore the struggles of specific men (cis LGB+ men, trans men, men of color, etc.) are especially suspicious when it comes to this.

NEVER INTERACT WITH TERFs. Period. They are not a joke. Transphobes in general are bad of course, but TERFs are especially manipulative. They can and will turn someone completely inside out in order to get someone to believe their ideology and have a lot of sneaky tactics to get otherwise anti-TERF people to agree with them. No matter how secure you think you are in your identity, it’s not worth it. The same goes for transmeds. I don’t know the full extent of their tactics, but based on personal experience, they’re pretty damaging too.

How do you feel your gender interacts with your race, disability, class, weight, etc. from the perspective of intersectionality?

I’d much rather be read as a guy online than in real life.

What, if any, is the difference between your gender identity and your gender expression?

I don’t really get to ‘express’ my gender irl. I’d like to have more ‘plain’ clothes that aren’t obviously tailored for one gender. Online, my gender expression is... just being me! I used to put a little more thought into trying to come off as completely androgynous, but what’s the point of being nonbinary if I can’t be myself?

Do you feel more masculine, feminine, or neither?

Neither

What is your sexual and romantic orientation, and what are your thoughts on it?

I’m ace and aro. I feel like it’s made a lot easier for me to be my identity than if I were attracted to people. I don’t often see unaligned nonbinary people in discussions of attraction, but then again, I rarely see nonbinary discussions at all. It’s already hard enough for binary trans and aligned nonbinary people to get taken seriously as their in a relationship or in other parts of the LGBT+ community.

There’s people who don’t believe nonbinary people exist or should be a part of the LGBT+ community, and then there are others who don’t believe asexual or aromantic people should be a part of the community either. But there are many more cis+heterosexual+heteromantic people, who would not accept nonbinary, ace, aro people at all. It’s hard to interact with the LGBT+ community beyond support if you have to second-guess whether you belong at all. But, the more I learn about other people’s experiences in the online LGBT+ community, the more I learn that no group feels completely safe, and all of them are either being persecuted or ignored by each other. I don’t really know what to say other than it’s really sad.

Is your ideal partner also trans, or do you not have a preference?

I have no ideal partner.

How did/do you manage waiting to transition?

I came out online. That’s it to me. It was pretty easy for me in particular because there were very few people who I told my assigned gender beforehand.

What is the place (blog, website, forum, IRL space) you get most of your info on being trans or on trans related things?

Tumblr. 

Do you interact with other trans people IRL?

I don’t know if I’ve ever met a trans person IRL

Are you involved in any trans-related activism?

Not really.

Free space! Answer any question you want, or make up your own question to answer.

Thanks, I might make a few!

What do you hope for in the future?

Trans rights!  Safer discussions of LGBT+ topics in public!

What are you thankful for?

My amazing friends for supporting me! I wouldn’t have gotten this far without you, and I’m thankful for the people who are there for me!

What do you wish to achieve?

I wish to be able to understand and respect other parts of the LGBT+ community better. I know I won’t be able to understand other groups 100%, but I like learning! And more than anything, I don’t want to make it any harder than it already is to be LGBT+ online. I want to help my friends!!

Why didn’t you write “as a trans person” after those last three questions, when that’s what you meant? 

I’m not sure if I see myself as trans to begin with. I’ve only heard one other person share this sentiment with me, but I feel like being trans is a little more involved what I am, and I don’t feel comfortable co-opting on that experience (even though...taking this questionnaire meant for trans people… might be doing just that.) I do want to clarify that I’m not saying that nonbinary people who share my experiences CAN’T be trans. I’m just saying that I’m not sure if I see myself personally as trans. I’m not cis though. That I know for sure.

Did you like taking this questionnaire?

Heck yeah! Nice job, OP!

What’s a way you can end this on a happy note?

I know a lot of these answers have been downers, but I think if people pull together, a better future is possible for all of us. I’m thankful for where I am in life now, and I want other people to get to a similar spot in life, if not better! Also, let me know if I stepped out of line in any of these answers so I can edit them!

[clanwarrior-tumbly]

Reader helping finding out that he’s trans when he has his period (cause I kind HC him as not having gone through the full medical transition yet) and them showing Jackie that they still love him and they accept him for who he is by helping him through the dysphoric thoughts and really bad cramps. They’re probably a tinsy bit sad that they found out like this, but it’s okay. Anything for their wonderful MAN.

Oh, dude. I have that headcanon, too. But yeah this boi needs all the love and support he can get-

TW: Dysphoric thoughts, although they’re minor

The entire day just passed and you haven’t seen Jackie come out from his room at all. It had you awfully worried that he got himself injured and he couldn’t call out for any help.

So you made your way over to the door. And at that point you could hear what sounded like…crying?

“Jackie? You okay, hun?”

“…..n-no..”

“What’s wrong?” You asked. “You hurt?”

“..yeah…”

“Can I come in?”

You didn’t hear any response this time, although you did hear some shuffling and the door click, indicating it was unlocked.

“N-Now you can.”

With a sigh, you opened the door and saw Jackie laying on his bed, underneath his blanket and his Spider-Man bed comforter. He was curled up with his face buried into the pillow.

You climbed onto the bed and sat down, looking at your boyfriend. Least to say you’ve never ever seen him like this before…and it broke your heart. “So what happened? Talk to me, hun.” You placed your hand on the lump, gently rubbing his side.

But he just shook his head. “..I-I can’t…I-I…”

It was then you noticed his suit which he had thrown in the corner, which had a bloodstain on it. You then looked back down at Jackie. “Did you get injured or something?”

“N-No…it’s..” But he shivered and let out a whine of pain as he curled up further. “….f-fuckin’ useless organs..” You heard him mumble.

Then you glanced at the suit again, seeing the stain was actually in the crotch area, and in that moment you finally realized what “useless organs” he was talking about.

“….Jackie..are you..saying you’re on your period?”

For a moment, he stiffened up, but then he began to sob quietly. “I-I’m sorry…I-I didn’t…I…”

“Hey..it’s okay.” You hushed, eventually coaxing him into a sitting position. Now you could see he was in a T-shirt and boxers, his brown hair was a total mess, and tears stained his cheeks.

With a sigh, you scooted closer and cupped his face, wiping away his tears. It didn’t take you long to realize what he was. But you just stayed with him, trying to calm him down.

“..[y/n], am I-I really a man?” Jackie’s breath hitched. “Or do I just claim to be that a-and...? No....I..m-men shouldn’t have..p-periods...they….d-don’t….” His words were shaky, unable to form coherent sentences….and that’s when you understood why he was acting so off.

His dysphoria.

“Oh no Jackie..” You kissed his forehead, before bringing him into a hug, rubbing circles into his back. “You are a man. And you always will be. Please don’t ever let this menstruation bullshit tell you otherwise, okay?”

He hiccuped softly, returning the hug. “I-I’m a man..?”

“Yes you are, hun. You’re the handsomest man I’ve ever known.” You smiled, glad that you managed to say the right thing to him and calm him down even a little.

For about a minute you stayed that way, before he was the first to let go. “Th-Thank you, [y/n],” he sniffled, pulling the blanket up and wrapping it around himself. Then he sighed deeply.  “I’m..sorry you had to..find out like this…..you can leave if you want.”

You shot him a look. Did he really just say that to you?

“Wha…Jackie I…I’m fine with you being trans.” You embraced him once more. “And after finding you like this..you honestly think I’m going to just leave you? Absolutely not.“

Jackie’s eyes widened, although they became teary as he rested his head on your shoulder, whining softly. He curled up and snuggled closer to you.

“How about I get you a heating pad and chocolate? Those are some good remedies for cramps.”

He nodded against you shoulder, before he sat up and smiled at you. “Thanks, babe…but..a-ah…god this is embarrassing as hell t-to ask but….I-I might need one of those-”

“I’ll get that, too.” You gave him a smile in return, kissing his lips. “Don’t worry. I’ll be sure to help you through this.”

“I feel like the luckiest guy in the world to have you,” he chuckled, his eyes now shimmering with happiness. “I..I really do appreciate this, [y/n]. A-And the fact that you accepted me..“

“Of course, honey. I’ll be right back, okay?”

Jackie nodded and watched as you got up and left his room for a few moments to get whatever he needed.

While you were doing that, he made note to take you to the movies after his week of suffering was over as repayment.

[fawning-moved]

my day was... blegh i've been feeling very dysphoric lately but i still have the fear of faking being trans for attention or something, and everyone around me tells me it's a phase and i don't want it to be a phase. i cry everyday because of my body but i still fear of faking and idk what to do ? even my doctor told my mom as a way to reassure her that it might be a phase and like. way to feel invalid

ahh i’m sorry dude i really feel that. dysphoria sucks and it doesn’t feel nice when the people around you aren’t supportive. i think you should try finding a support system, whether that’s in real life or online. maybe find some good trans positivity blogs, or lgbt blogs in general (preferably free from discourse and drama), and find yourself a group of people that will be supportive. something else that’s kind of helped me have a more positive view of my body, that i actually got from wikihow (ansjsjs don’t judge desperate times call for desperate measures), is to look at the things you’re dysphoric about as medical issues you’d like to change. the parts that make you fee dysphoric don’t define you as a person. there are cis men that have medical issues that cause them to have boobs and shit. your body is still our body, there’s just things you’d like to change. you’re still a man. you could also try to find things to distract yourself, or maybe even exercise to help yourself feel more comfortable in your body. there’s exercises that can help narrow your hips, make you butt smaller, make your arms more muscular, and hell there’s even some that can make your chest smaller! just don’t overwork yourself! also it’s okay to be unsure. you got all the time in the world, and you shouldn’t feel ashamed or worried about ‘faking it’.

[tumblunni]

Okay, kinda TMI talk here about period problems and Bunni Being Worried And Dysphoric, blablabla I’m just having a huge stupid panic moment right now cos I read some internet medical articles and LIKE USUAL I’m being all ‘oh god i probably have the worst case scenario disease on the list, I’m gonna fuckin die’ even though I literally have never been right about that even ONCE when I’ve done it. Still, it sucks having a stupid anxiety disorder cos you can just feel your body throwing you into panic attack mode even as you are rationally saying to yourself that this worrying thing has a 0% chance of happening. Its impossible to just choose to not be afraid of something... *sigh*... SO YEAH ANYWAY UMM Don’t want to worry anyone, I’m totally gonna be fine and I’m just being irrational mess about something that’s probably gonna be a super easy solution once I see the doctor. I’ll just book an appointment tomorrow or later this week, no biggie. And I’ll write all this stuff down so I can avoid freaking out and crying over how embarassing Vagina Health is when you’re trying to ask your cis male doctor about it and you’re a trans person who just wants to stab themself whenever they think about this goddamn Wrong Organ. like seriously, the biggest comfort I am using right now to come down from this panic attack is ‘hey, if it IS a big horrible cancer tumour, then at least it means they cant stop me from getting a hysterectomy now!’ :P so umm anyway that was probably too TMI already but I’ll put the more TMI stuff under the cut

OKAY! SO! I’ve suffered from REALLY HORRIBLY BAD periods for like.. ever They usually had an issue of being way too short but also WAY TOO POWERFUL. I’d have just a one day absolute burning pain blast where I would literally be unable to walk. LITERALLY BE UNABLE TO WALK! Like, I COULD NOT STAND that my dad was just telling me ‘;you’re lying, you’re exaggerating, its just cramps’ when the pain WASNT EVEN THE GODDAMN CRAMPS. I got fucking stabbing pain in my lower back for no damn reason, was inexplicably constipated and throwing up, got a huge hot-and-cold-flushes fever, complete muscle weakness in my legs which made them fucking shut down, and like.. LABOR SYMPTOMS. Its this weird horrible downward pressure pain in my pelvis and I was just a goddamn kid so i was like.. ‘i cant even tell if this is part of the constipation’, i would be spending five hours on the toilet desperately trying to shit out a shit that didn’t exist, as my body spasmed itself to death forcibly ejecting out way more blood than I ever thought I even had. I It took me so long to find out that that wasnt normal for a period?? That this didnt happen to everyone???? And cos its SO GROSS AND EMBARASSING to talk about these particular symptoms, I didnt tell anyone. Even when i finally was able to get some pain medication from the doctor, I just mentioned the abnormal amount of bleeding and pain, not the weird ‘wtf my bowels just stopped working as if my ovaries are constantly punching them for 24 hours’ part. Seriously just fuckin.. so degrading and disgusting.

And i was a fuckin 13 year old kid, this just abruptly started in my second year of having a period, and my dad was a sick fucker who ‘didnt believe in doctors’ and didnt believe i was telling the truth about my symptoms. So I had to live FROM 13 TO 17 without EVEN KNOWING THAT ASPIRIN AND IBUPROFEN EXISTED! i was going through all of this without even the basic pain medication most people have for normal periods! Once monthly I would BEG GOD TO LET ME DIE Seriously i would spend THE WHOLE 24 HOURS screaming in horrible pain on the floor that gradually got worse until I finally couldnt move my legs and passed out from exhaustion. And all i could do was hope that I’d get weaker each month and pass out faster, cos seriously being able to sleep through it was THE BIGGEST BLESSING EVER like DEAR GOD like ONCE I was able to get to sleep during the point where it was milder pain and then when I woke up it was already over and AAAAAAHHHHH I got to go a full two months without feeling that death madness again and seriously fuckin.. how the fuck could my dad look at this small child screaming and vomiting and sweating like I was in the sahara and gushing blood from every oriface cos i fuckin VOMITED SO HARD I VOMITED BLOOD and somehow still think I was just ‘making it up’

god one of my worst memories was how I had this huge horrible period death attack in the middle of school and my poor teacher was trying to comfort me and trying to call my dad to pick me up, and he just Did Not Give A Shit so the teacher tried to drive me home himself and just.. god I was so happy even as I was dying just cos I got to meet ONE PERSON who had sympathy for me and even actually said ‘hey you should see a doctor’. And all i gave him in return was throwing up in a trash bin for an hour in the back of his car, and then he had to meet my awful father and have a door slammed in his face. And then as soon as he got me inside the house dad just hit me and screamed at me for ‘embarassing him’ and ‘ditching school’ and man the only good side effect of being Fucking Dead On The Floor Already is that I did not feel a thing of it and barely even managed to hear a word he said. I think he just gave up cos seriously i wasnt even fuckin moving, i guess the fun goes out of beating your kid when they’re too fuckin stoned on their own vomit fumes to even be able to cry anymore. Oh and my other Even More Worse memory was when I missed the chance to see Howl’s Moving Castle cos of this shit. I saw like the first twenty minutes of it before my period hit while I was in the middle of the theater and then i had to spend three hours crying and puking and bleeding and laying on the floor in a pool of my own vomit in a cinema bathroom while my dad screamed at me as if i was purposely faking just to embarass him. Like seriously dude?? BASIC LOGIC, PLEASE! he was CONSTANTLY accusing me of doing really horrible manipulative things all the time, as some sort of twisted excuse to hit me and pretend i was an evil fucker causing every problem in his life so he didnt have to feel guilty about doing it. And it NEVER MADE ANY GODDAMN SENSE! Even if i WAS an evil monster, what would that evil monster’s MOTIVE be? Why would i constantly do these evil things that serve no purpose except to get myself half killed by my dad? Why would I ruin a cinema trip that I asked to go to, to see a movie I waited all year to see??? And the most vivid disgusting part of it all was when he walked in and saw me like that and I LITERALLY ASKED TO DIE, and he LITERALLY LAUGHED. I begged him to call a doctor, he laughed and said I was exaggerating. I begged him to call an AMBULANCE, he laughed harder. I told him to his face that I wanted to kill myself just to make the pain stop, and he acted as if it was the funniest thing he ever heard, turned around and left and watched another movie. The poor cinema staff were left taking care of me while he ignored me, he wouldnt even take me home, he was just like... waiting til he finally got bored enough to do it. His biggest concern was ‘eww you made me walk into the girls’s bathroom’... I’m never gonna be able to stop remembering that, I’m never gonna be able to deny how absolutely certain I was that I’d rather end my life right there than live this nightmare for another month and another month for like fuckin 30 or 50 years. God I wanted to kill myself A LOT when i was with my dad, but this one was the worst cos for all I knew I’d be stuck with this pain forever even if I managed to escape him. I was so fucking ignorant! I didnt even know there was easy to acquire pain medication you could buy in any supermarket across the world! I mean, I still have the problem of my period being more severe than expected and all, but the meds at least made it NON SUICIDAL LEVELS OF PAIN. And god I once wanted to kill myself as a young child because I didnt know those existed. And I didnt know that transgender people existed or that there were words to put to my other feelings of disgust about having a period. I may still be depressed in a lot of ways, but I’m living a way better life now!

So umm yeah anyway my current worry today is because my period hasn’t ended for like 2 or 3 months now. I can’t even pinpoint the exact time it happened, cos it started with just light spotting and my period coming a few days late every month for like a year? and then it would last longer, and sometimes I’d get a small bit of bleeding suddenly starting up five days later and ending within a few hours. I sorta didnt think much of any of these symptoms and i cant nail down exactly when it just increased so much that it became this noticeably constant. And its REALLY weird for me, cos also all this stuff came along with my period not hurting as much?? And now for the last month i haven’t felt any pain at all, so I cant even tell which part of all this bleeding was the actual period. And I’m bleeding way less than usual, its just... constant. Its not even enough to be a big problem so I didnt wanna tell anyone and be a bother, its not like I’m losing blood enough to get light headed, its just annoying having so many pairs of underwear ruined and feeling more dysphoric 24/7. And it makes me pretty anxious cos I didnt know what was causing this and whether it was a symptom of some bigger problem- like, it doesnt hurt but maybe its a sign i have fuckin death doom cancer or something and its suddenly gonna start hurting any second now???

So yeah, today I finally stopped being anxious and decided I’m gonna call a doctor next week, and did some internet research to see if this is serious enough to really call the doctor. And cos I’m dumb I panicked thinking of the worst case scenario, but also doing that research kinda cheered me up cos now at least I know an explanation for why the symptoms seemingly got worse on random days, and like.. this isnt an impossible thing. Cos seriously, yeah, raised in a household with No Doctors Ever. i dont know very much about medical health, when this first started happening i freaked out cos i had NEVER HEARD of bleeding outside the regular monthly cycle and from all I knew it was PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE and I’m PROBABLY DYING xD But no, apparantly spotting and mistimed periods and going one or two weeks of constant bleeding are all completely natural variances that just happen, and you dont even need to call a doctor for that. I just need to call a doctor cos its been happening a bit more often than that, they say up to a month is a normal amount. And apparantly the vast, VAST majority of conditions that cause constant period are not remotely life threatening, the worst possible scenario is becoming infertile or just.. having to continue experiencing mildly annoying bleeding a lot. Apparantly a lot of people choose to not have an operation cos they don’t wanna lose the ability to have children, but fuck I’ve been hoping to lose that thing FOREVER, jesus christ! damn docs won’t let you have a hysterectomy ‘without reason’, like seriously why is ‘i dont want to have children’ not a reason?? and why is ‘i have never had sex and never will have sex’ not a reason and also why is ‘i’m nonbinary transgender and would like this surgery even though i don’t want genital surgery’ not an option seriously MAN PLEASE can I at least go on hormones doc. seriously everyone is being all ‘well treating your ptsd and depression is a bigger priority right now’ and i mean ITS NOT LIKE THERE’S A REAL DEADLINE FOR WHEN THAT’S GONNA END and DYSPHORIA KINDA DOESNT MAKE IT ANY EASIER gahhhh god i really REALLY hope they let me have a hysterectomy i am gonna be SO DISSAPPOINTED now if it turns out this ovary failure is not the particular sort of ovary failure that requires removal of ovaries. plz kill them. pliz mr docter. they haf plagued my lyfe 4 too longe. XD god, sorry, like I said I’m just really dysphoric talking about Vagina Health Stuff so i’m getting a bit irrational and ranty. Its just like that ‘please can i skip the middle man and get to the end of the transition already’ feeling. I know it would be stupid to not listen to my doctor’s advice on the subject. Tho I do kinda feel like everyone is just patronizing me and doenst think that nonbinary really exists, i’m still trying to get my support worker to stop calling me a girl... MAN IM GOING OFFTOPIC TO A WHOLE OTHER ANXIETY HERE

Anyway! Researching into possible causes of it! It’s entirely possible i may have Adenomyosis, which would ironically mean I have an excess of estrogen in my system and am like.. Too Female To Female. I’m gonna fuckin cry if its this, that’s like the biggest fuckin sign that your sex doesn’t have to align with your gender! or lol maybe god is trying to compensate, i just imagine its like throwing too much sugar into a cake to try and make up for it tasting like shit. sorry dude, woman machine broke. BUT I don’t seem to have like a huge amount of symptoms for that one, aside from just the excess bleeding outside of my cycle. So I’m leaning more towards the ones that also include back pain and uhh.. gross bowel issues of embarassingness. It might be that I was always showing preemptive signs of one of these conditions!

One other that it could possibly be is Endometriesis which is a really fuckin cool sounding word but impossible to spell, lol. Apparantly its this TERRIFYING CONCEPT where your uterus is like.. a tumour in your gut. For whatever reason there’s uterine tissue growing in your intestines, stomach or other butt related tubes. I dont wanna read more about it cos its already making me terrified and anxious, so I dont even know HOW exactly that works. I mean is it like there’s a big ol hole stabbing through your organs connecting two unconnected things together?? Cos if so, I cant understand why its saying that its an easy operation and a never fatal condition! So I’m assuming maybe its more like everything is still separate but like.. the composure of the cells in your intestines is wrong? There’s like a tiny vestigal lump of uterine lining tissue in your stomach lining instead? i guess maybe they’re somehow vaguely related, so like.. if the human body begins from stem cells that can grow into any other cell to make a full human, it would seem entirely plausable that rather similar organs or skin thingies could accidentally form all vice versa. i guess thats also the reason for mutations like people growing an extra finger? I had a friend who had two extra fingers at birth, actually! I felt really sad when she told me about it, it was like years after we met that she felt comfortable enough to tell me about where her hand scars came from. i just remember i felt SO CONFUSED why she’d even think that like.. she had to be super certain i was a good person who wouldnt make fun of her. Why on earth would you mock someone for something like that?? How many other people must have treated her like shit if she feels this ashamed of her own hands?? And I felt really sad that she had them amputated too, I just find it a bit disturbing and surreal that there’s this societal thing of giving extensive surgery to very young children to ‘correct’ something that’s completely harmless just because it ‘looks wrong’. i’ve read stories about stuff like a child having like a split arm, an extra arm attatched at the elbow. And that particular operation to ‘correct’ it literally made the kid lose all ability to use both arms, just so they could have one ‘normal’ looking nonfunctional one. Thats messed up! Its EVEN WORSE that this happens the most commonly with intersex conditions, its invasive GENITAL surgery on newborn infants and even assigning them a random gender based on whichever form of genitals was easiest to ‘recreate’ with plastic surgery. These poor kids dont even get to know about what happened to them until they grow up and uncover this horrifying pandora’s box of medical files...

Oh, and speaking of intersex conditions, another possibility is that I might have PCOS, which is like being intersex in hormones but not outer genetalia. But I’m not sure about it cos I don’t have a lot of the more visible symptoms of it, aside from adult acne and ‘weight gain' which is.. well im pretty damn sure I gained this weight the normal way instead XD It also says that unusual hair growth might be a symptom, but it doesnt seem I have it in any of the places that’re common for the disease. I’ve had a weird thing of suddenly gaining light spots of hair on my belly and neck in the past few years. Its weird cos it really is just spots for the neck, its only growing in the right side in a little circle. i dunno what’s up with that! It sucks cos I really would like to be able to grow proper facial hair, I’m only able to do a very spotty mustache that just makes me look even more like a woman I think. i just look like an ugly woman, I feel like everyone can instantly tell I’m DFAB and they’re just laughing at me for this one failed attempt to look masculine. Also it fuckin sucks being overweight cos binders don’t work as well! They’ve gotta be wider to fit around a bigger body of course, but that means its hard to find the right size that’re be tight where it counts withough being tight on the shoulders. I think my current one is too baggy, I can’t stand even looking like a normal dude of my weight level, i cant stand even having regular fat guy ‘moobs’. I WANNA DESTROY THEM ENTIRELY!! Also, incidentally, I’m kinda terrified the most of being diagnosed with PCOS just cos it’d make my dysphoria worse. It’d kinda make me worry that maybe my identity is invalid and I only feel this way cos I have this hormone problem, and I’d probably refuse to take any treatment just in case it somehow cures my transness :P

The one that currently seems most likely is ‘uterine fibroids’. Apparantly its a non cancerous form of tumour that’s so small that its not remotely damaging, and surgery is very easy and non scary. The problem is just that you have so many of these small things slowly stacking up over the years, and being hard to spot until its already gotten bad. Plus even a small thing can be very painful when its in a very sensitive organ. I’m thinking its probably this cos they mention specifically lower back pain and constipation/other bowel problems. The endometrisis one would also explain the constipation during periods, but this one has a wider range of very specific symptoms that all seem to match.

Anyway, writing this up has helped distract me so I can calm down a little and wrap my head around all this. I just hope I can have enough courage to talk to the doctor about it and hopefully find out what it actually is. Oh, and a random tip I learned! Eating too much sugar increases menstrual bleeding! That was what was confusing me about my symptoms seeming to worsen out of nowhere on random days. I was super worried!! I guess the change is just more noticeable than it would be on my regular period, cos this one is lasting so long. I tested this out today by chugging one of the super grand milkshakes from that cool midnight milkshake takeaway shop, and I started getting the big ol scary clotty giant bleed within two hours. Waited a while til it stopped, drank another sugary drink, happened again! Definate correlation! I’m kinda relieved cos this definately proves it’s a period related problem, I’m not bleeding from like an exploded organ or something. This is definately specifically the ol menstrual blood, and I dont have some horrifying sudden septic wound in my vag out of nowhere. Tho seriously i dunno why I was worrying that cos its not like I’ve ever had sex, where would a wound even come from?? I guess I was just going nuts back when I was all uneducated and assumed it was Literally Impossible to have a period that lasts too long. Mannnn talking about this is SO GROSS I’m like cringing into the ninth dimension just from saying the word vag... Anyway now I’m actually feeling a bit lightheaded from the Even More So Than Before heavy bleeding, it probably wasnt a smart idea to test out the sugar thing twice in one day. Now I’m bleeding as much as I usually do on my regular period, which is probably not good cos I’ve already been losing a small amount of blood everyday. Apparantly carrots have a vitamin that helps decrease menstrual bleeding, but its late evening now and all the supermarkets are shut :P SOMEONE BEAM CARROTS INTO MY HOME, AAAAA lol i just need to calm down and get out of this panic attack, its probably just this in combination with the blood loss thats giving me lightheadedness. and then it makes me worry even more about the blood loss and enter an eternal death spiral of anxiety yet again... GAHH I HATE YOU DYSPHORIA DAY I WILL TALK TO THE DOCTOR AND SO HELP ME GOD I REALLY WISH THIS LEADS TO A HYSTERECTOMY seriously lol every time I’m doubting if I’m ‘really trans enough’ i should look back on this conversation where i’m wishing my uterus disease is the worst possible option just so i can get rid of the damn uterus.. ANYWAY BUNNI IS GONNA GO TRY AND CALM DOWN NOW COS I CANT CALL THE DOCTOR TIL TOMORROW ANYWAY

[demiboypercyjackson]

Sometimes I really struggle with gender dysphoria (I'm transmen) and I don't know how to cope. I just cry for hours and feel dysphoric for longer. Help?

i used to have this problem a LOT… my dysphoria can still get pretty bad, ranging fromgeneral body dysphoria to… uglier things, like “im not enough of a man” or internalized transphobia like “why cant i just be a girl like im supposed to be” and these are … not very much fun.

what helps me most is remembering that

1) i am entirely enough of a man. theres no “amount needed” for being a man. there is no “must be this tall to ride”. your gender is defined by you and you alone.

2) im not a girl because i was never meant to be. im a man in a man’s body, and thats how it was always meant to be. ive got a man’s ditties and a gentleman’s sillybits and thats all there is to know, because im a man and those things belong to me.

3) theres so many people like us! there are literally so many trans people all around the world and there have been for ages upon ages. we arent new, not at all, and we’re literally everywhere, ive looked stuff up and so many famous movies and games and things we use everyday were made by trans people, specifically trans women? like? your welcome? but somehow, just LIVING as a trans person is revolutionary. just LIVING is what makea us amazing and strong and powerful

4) your body is and will always be your body. you a man? then its a mans body. sometimes, your insides will reflect on the outside - i realized this when i came out to some friends as a trans man and was told “you have always put off this sort of ‘man’ vibe. that makes a lot of sense.” not all of my cis friends could see this, but meh. i dont exist for them or their ideas of what i should be, and neither do you. theres no right way to be a man or a woman or anything else. there are cis women with mustaches and cis men who cant grow facial hair to save their life. there are cis women with almost no boob and cis dudes with a whole lotta boob. your body doesnt need to change at all for you to be a real man. remember that

5) remember, too, that there are ways for you to change your body for it to feel more like a home to you. just because you dont have to change to be a man doesnt mean that youre not allowed to change if you want to. i personally dont know if ill ever physically transition - i have kind of a punk attitude about it. i feel more at home rebelling against what people see a man to be. i like my weird, soft body. if other people dont, then good! fuck those people. but thats just me.

everyone has a different experience with their body and theres no shame in that and no trans person is “more trans” than the other. we’re all just different people goin through different versions of the same thing, ya know what i mean? we all share the experience of being transgender, even if we dont all share individual experiences.

i understand dysphoria big time…. i used to be angry and mean all the time, lost and confused. ive cried many a tear over being the way that i am. it seems silly to me now that i cried so much over not having a PENIS. those things look like the worms from tremors, man. but ANYWAYS, ive realized that accepting yourself, owning your identity… it helps. be proud of who you are. being trans is unlike anything else, and that fact has always made my body feel a little less traitorous and a lot more handsome.

if you ever need anything else or anything more, im here! im here, absolutely, and theres a bunch of trans positivity blogs for all walks of life out there. no matter what kind of dysphoria you have, there are people who understand. youre never alone. - mod will ☆