#doomed transmasculinity

[disabled-battlekukku]

Not a fan of Geoffrey St. John as a guy, but man, am I obsessed with this guy in a "I want to see his very tragic backstory and then torture him for eternity because he's actually a fucking horrible person"

And it was this fucking page that made me have this feeling ESPECIALLY

The raw hopelessness of laying curled on the ground, knowing you're never getting out of the situation YOU put yourself in in the first place (<- half projecting)

[sandutita]

went to see the social worker and a few other people the other day. the social worker seemed judgemental, she always has. i feel like getting my life on track is only up to me now, the only person who can help me is myself and i can't get any support from anyone else. it feels cold and lonely. it'll be difficult. i feel like i'm on my own.

i need to eat better. i need to sleep better. and i have all the help in the world. yet i still struggle. how utterly pathetic and miserable is that? i feel like giving up. i keep on messing up and being weird. everything requires so much effort, even though the little things always end being just that; trivial and meaningless.

it's gonna be such a long journey. so many years of struggling to get the smallest things done and being condescended to by everyone around me. i'm 20 years old but i'm mentally a child, i've always been. i keep on messing up. i keep on not knowing what to do. i'm eternally clueless.

it's gonna be so many years until i can actually be the person i want to be and live a good life. what the fuck am i supposed to do in the meanwhile? writhe in agony in my bed, consumed by sadness and dysphoria?

no. i should get over all that. somehow. but i don't know how. the voice in my head tirelessly judging my every move depresses me. it makes me feel embarrassed to exist. like i should just stay quiet and do nothing, in case i do something bad or make a mistake, like i almost did last friday. i almost did something horrible last friday... that would've been a new low for me. thankfully i found another way out of that situation but if i hadn't... i don't know how i could've gotten past it. like i said: i keep on messing up. i keep on missing the signs. i'm so utterly clueless and stupid. i don't even know how to ride the fucking bus properly and i've been using them for years. jesus fucking christ, i'm a grown ass adult, what the fuck is wrong with me? how can i ever expect to become functional and happy and a person with many fulfilling relationships and much more testosterone in my body?

i don't think i can. i... i don't even know. i never knew. i can never know. the future is the worst thing about my life, because it gives me hope only to take it all away later on. the future is disappointing and uninteresting.

but so am i.

[assignedgod]

In many cases, 'headcannoning' a character that has transfeminine subtext as transmasc leads to a weaker or in some cases, hateful, transgender narrative overall. For example, Miquella from elden ring. In the case of transfeminine miquella, you have a narrative in which miquella seeked to give up her heart, burying and hiding her heart, her love, everything that was feminine so far down that nothing could ever reach it, hoping it would either and die, and this ultimately leading to her downfall because she could not ever hope to succeed without her heart, her love. She throws it away, and it destroys her. The story is obvious in a transfeminine reading of the story: By not embracing herself as a woman, miquella threw away her heart and her love and all joy she could have felt. It's a beautiful, tragic, heartwrenching tale about how the choice to never transition will slowly eat away at you, leaving you a loveless, joyless shell of a person. On the flipside, we have the case of a transmasculine reading of the character, and the exact *opposite* narrative: By transitioning, miquella loses any chance of joy and happiness, becomes an incomplete being, and is doomed to fail because he could never hope to be a god since he threw away saint Trina. By choosing to interpret the story this way, you make an implicit reactionary statement that being transgender is a curse, something that holds you back. It's a cruel and hateful reading, so that begs the question, why would anyone interpret the text that way? Or did they perhaps not engage with the text to see the implicit meaning, choosing a shallow desire for 'representation' over proper literary analysis?

[genderkoolaid]

advice on how to get over the fear that t is going to make me ugly? or that i’m going to miss “the old me”

i’m a queer trans guy and i’ve been questioning going on t for years now and i know i definitely want bottom growth, body fat redistribution and more body hair.

but im err on the side of face and voice changes. i’m scared of disliking my new voice and suddenly growing dysphoric over it (i dont have too much voice dysphoria now) and disliking how my new face will look. i’m kinda genderfluid as well so it’s complicated. but i don’t want to go my whole life without knowing what it’s like to be on hrt. but i can’t get over the fear of looking/finding myself ugly and undesirable and losing my community... which is ironic cuz i find other trans men attractive as hell. i discussed this in therapy and i still feel this way :/

i wish there was a way for me to start without telling anyone and then breaking the news when i’m experiencing changes and feeling more confident about it. i have my gender dysphoria diagnosis and i can start if i want to, but i need my family’s financial support. i don’t want to make it a big deal since it’s just something i’d be trying out to feel more like myself in certain ways.

sorry this turned into a long ass rant and you don’t have to reply but i’m just gonna kindly leave it in the ask box 💀

There's a post that goes like "all of life is irreversible. i cannot go back a single second" and I think thats something good to keep in mind when you are thinking through this. You are already living with a body that has changed and will continue to change in ways largely out of your control. You are already living in a post-irreversible-alteration body.

If you do go on T and find you don't like how your voice sounds: for one, you can stop at any time (& if you haven't checked out microdosing as an option, you should). But two: plenty of people live with a deeper voice than they want. Plenty of people live with facial hair they dislike. You can pursue the same therapies and procedures they do. Or maybe you don't, and you find ways to live with a voice or face you aren't totally in love with.

So much detransition fearmongering, especially directed at transmascs & assoc. trans people, heavily relies on the specter of the fallen woman, itself steeped in trans-misogyny & intersexism. The idea that, for one, a "woman" who has mixed-sex features is ugly and undesirable, and two, that a "woman" made undesirable is forever doomed to be miserable and worthless. The transphobic story of detransition keeps our bodies stuck in this moment of revulsion and regret, narratively preventing us as characters from being able to move on and live happy lives in atypical bodies. Even if you do regret/dislike some things about T, you are not forever stuck in that feeling. The story does not stop at that! You will just keep living and find new ways of dealing with your bodily feelings!

The social aspect of this is a bit more complicated but I also have some firsthand experience with it. Because, as mentioned before, there's a lot of transphobic misogyny/misogynistic transphobia that affects transmascs & others who go on T, who have to confront the feeling of losing your potential desirability. And then there's also the way many people are treated after going on T, facing a whole new area of bodily scrutiny: you may suddenly have people making comments about how someone needs to force teenage boys to shave because their facial hair is a personal offense. I went from being self-conscious about how high my voice was to being self-conscious about how undeniably trans my voice was. And, specifically, my facial hair, voice changes, etc. were all signs of my transmasculine desire, and I became self-conscious about how obvious it was that I desired being trans, I desired this body. I could no longer let everyone pretend I was a cishet girl at family gatherings and avoid confronting these issues, because I had essentially written I WANT TO BE A TRANNY all over my physical form.

This is something I'm still struggling with myself. I, like many other queer & autistic people, already struggled with feeling desirable or worthy of being seen alongside conventionally attractive cishet people who could act normal. Being visibly trans, and taking a huge step away from the desirable cis-perisex-girl body, can really open up that can of worms. Especially being genderfluid/genderqueer! Because we often cannot find a comfortable space for ourselves within the conventions of attractiveness for cis men, like some binary trans men are able to.

But ultimately, I don't regret going on T at all. I would have had body issues regardless, and I got a lot out of going on T. I think mentally preparing yourself to struggle with these things, and seeking out other transmasc people, is a big help. Again: all of life is irreversible. we cannot go back a single second. We are already living in imperfect bodies we struggle to love or see as worthy. If you know you want some of the things T can offer, and you don't want to go your whole life without knowing, then just do it. Dive in, and don't feel any shame if you decide to get out. Just keep living and finding ways to live better right now.

[finnlongman]

About Me, My Books, and My Research (2024 Edition)

Hi, I'm Finn, a writer, medievalist, and all-round nerd. You may know me as the author of The Butterfly Assassin, "that person who wrote the trans Cú Chulainn article", the weird nerd in the Tumblr corner writing excessively long and incomprehensibly niche posts about their research, or something else entirely. I am all of those things! (Well, depending on what the 'something else' is, anyway...)

Currently, I'm a PhD student at the University of Cambridge researching friendship in the late Ulster Cycle (c. 12th-17th centuries). I have an MA in Early and Medieval Irish from University College Cork, and wrote my thesis about Láeg mac Ríangabra, my best beloved. I also have an undergrad degree in Anglo-Saxon, Norse and Celtic from Cambridge, and wrote my dissertation about queer readings of Táin Bó Cúailnge, including transmasculine readings of Cú Chulainn.

You can find out more about my research on my website, which also includes info about all of my academic publications. This includes the aforementioned "trans Cú Chulainn article", an article about Láeg in the Death of Cú Chulainn, an article about the seven Maines, and a discussion of a conference on Caoineadh Airt Uí Laoghaire from the perspective of my own work on lament and grief. Whenever possible, I try to make my research available Open Access. If you're ever having trouble finding one of my articles, please contact me!

If you want recommendations for books about medieval Irish (or Welsh) literature, this list on my Bookshop page has all my go-to recommendations. If you buy via this link, I earn a small commission at no extra cost to you, so this is a great way to support me.

I am also an author, and I write both YA and adult novels. Again, my website is the place to go for all the info and links, but a quick summary:

The Butterfly Assassin trilogy (The Butterfly Assassin, 2022; The Hummingbird Killer, 2023; Moth to a Flame, 2024): YA thrillers about a traumatised teenage assassin who is trying (and failing) to live a normal life in a fictional closed city in Yorkshire. Featuring friendship, street art, Esperanto, zero romance, and a whole lot of murder, as well as increasingly unsubtle commentary on the UK arms industry and the military recruitment of vulnerable teenagers.

The Wolf and His King (coming Spring 2025 from Gollancz): a queer retelling of 'Bisclavret' by Marie de France which uses werewolfism as a metaphor to explore chronic pain and illness. Also very much about yearning, exile, and the mortifying ordeal of being known.

The Animals We Became (coming 2026 from Gollancz): a queertrans retelling of the Fourth Branch of the Mabinogi looking at gender, compulsory heterosexuality, and trauma, through the medium of nonconsensual animal transformations.

To Run With The Hound (coming 2027 from Gollancz): my take on the Ulster Cycle, looking at why Táin Bó Cúailnge is a tragedy and what it means to be doomed by the narrative, but not in the way you thought you were. Featuring a lot of feelings about Cú Chulainn, Fer Diad, and Láeg.

You can find out more about my recently-announced medieval retellings in this blog post.

I generally tag personal posts and selfies as “#about the author”; other than that, I think I’m pretty straightforward with my tagging system.

I’m very happy to answer questions about medieval Irish lit, my research, or my books, or just generally to chat. Send questions via asks, chat via DMs, and if you're looking for my articles, you can email me at finn [at] finnlongman [dot] com, which is also the best way to contact me for professional enquiries, whether academic or fiction related.

You can also find me on Bluesky, on Instagram, and on YouTube, where I (infrequently) retell medieval Irish stories for a general audience with lots of sarcasm and hand gestures. Technically I'm still on Twitter, but I'm trying to leave.

And finally, if you’ve found my research interesting or just generally want to support me, I have a tip jar and am always immensely grateful when somebody helps me to fund my book-buying habits: http://ko-fi.com/fianaigecht. You can also tip me directly on Tumblr if you like. I’m also a Bookshop affiliate, and you can buy books from my recommendation lists to support me and get some great reads at the same time.

[barricadescon]

Barricades 2024: Schedule for Sunday, July 14

Welcome to the final day of Barricades 2024!

All times are in UTC, and can be converted to your local time zone at this link.

Key to types of Panels:

Convention Administration panels: Panels run by the Con Committee, to open and end the convention.

Guest of Honor: Special panels from our guests of honor. This year, our guests of honor are Jean Baptiste Hugo, a descendant of Victor Hugo who will discuss his project photograph his ancestor’s house; Christina Soontornvat, the author of the award-winning Les Mis retelling “A Wish in the Dark;” and Luciano Muriel, playwright of the 2018 musical play “Grantaire.” 

Fan/Academic Panel Presentations: Panels on history, fandom, or analysis of Les Mis. Scholars will share historical research, fans will share hobby projects, and the audience may get an opportunity to ask questions. 

Social Meetups: Casual unstructured time to meet up over video call and chat!

Social Games: Games and activities.

Publishing, Podcasting, and Promotion

Saturday, 15:00-16:00 UTC

Session Type: Fan/Academic Panel Presentation Presented by: David Mongomery, Alexiel de Ravenswood, Nemo Martin Recorded: Yes

Whether it’s fanart, Tiktok videos or deep historical analysis, lots of us have THOUGHTS about Les Mis we’d like to share with the world. This panel discussion features creators sharing their advice on how to share your work with the world in a range of mediums.

Femme/butch: Dynamics of Gender and Attraction in Les Mis

Saturday, 15:00-15:30 UTC

Session Type: Fan/Academic Panel Presentation Presented by: Eléna Recorded: Yes

In Eléna’s words: “This is a presentation about parallels between femme/butch dynamics and les mis! The focus is on Marius, Cosette and Eponine and their individual gender presentation and attraction. There will be a focus on the original text, but I will also talk about headcanons & representation in the fandom space! I’m a femme myself, but I’ll try to incorporate butch and transmasculine viewpoints!”

Lee’s Misérables: Jean Valjean, Confederate Hero

Saturday, 15:30-16:00 UTC

Session Type: Fan/Academic Panel Presentation Presented by: Sarah C. Maza Recorded: Yes

Victor Hugo’s Les Misérables (1862) was as big a success in the United States as elsewhere in the world upon publication, hailed throughout the young nation as the commanding masterpiece of modern French literature. Why would a novel that celebrates violent insurrection and radical republican ideals be so warmly received in America? One of the (many) answers to that question is that the novel appeared in the midst of the Civil War, and that it provided engrossing reading to the many soldiers stuck in place for weeks or months in camp, hospitals, and prisons. Most surprising, though, is the evidence of Les Misérables’ appeal to Confederate soldiers (who jokingly called themselves “Lee’s Misérables”), as Hugo was on record as an ardent abolitionist. My paper will illustrate and explain the paradoxical appeal of Hugo’s novel in the South in two contexts: first, I will draw attention to the ways in which Confederate nationalists likened their cause to the European Revolutions of 1848; and second, I will explain the novel’s resonance within what Wolfgang Schievelbusch has called the “culture of defeat,” the emotional resonance, in some historical contexts, of narratives of doomed causes and heroic failure.

Guest of Honor: Luciano Muriel, playwright of “Grantaire”

Sunday, 16:00-17:00 UTC 

Session Type: Guest of Honor Presented by: Luciano Muriel Recorded: Yes

Panel about the details of the creative process behind the show Grantaire, from the discovery of the character during the playwright’s first reading of Victor Hugo’s Les Miserables to the opening night of the staging at the Teatro Pradillo of Madrid. Why Grantaire? Why a dramatic monologue? Why include Amaral songs? What did the awards and subventions entail? All the answers to these and many other questions.

Break

Sunday, 17:00-18:00 UTC

1848 in Chile: The Society of Equality and the Siege of La Serena

Sunday, 18:00-19:00 UTC

Session Type: Fan/Academc Presentation Presented by: Duncan Riley Recorded: Yes

While the Revolutions of 1848 are traditionally seen as a European event, they had a powerful influence in Latin America. In Chile in particular, university students who studied in France during the revolutions would lead a movement to oust the conservative dictatorship that had ruled the country since the 1830s. Inspired by the poetry of Alphonse de Lamartine and the ideals of utopian socialism, a group of Chilean intellectuals and artisans founded “The Society of Equality,” a cross-class political club dedicated to creating a democratic and participatory republic. Inspired by these ideals, in 1851 the citizens of La Serena, a mining town in northern Chile, declared their independence from the central government. Members of the Society of Equality transformed La Serena into the torchbearer of their vision of a new “democratic republic” that would restore civil liberties and grant greater autonomy to Chile’s provinces and municipalities. In defense of these principles, La Serena endured a months-long siege by government forces. The conflict inscribed itself within broader international dynamics of revolution and empire, as the British Royal Navy Intervened on the side of the government, while French immigrants built barricades to defend La Serena from invasion. Ultimately, then, La Serena and the Chilean Revolution of 1851 provide a fascinating window into the transatlantic exchanges of ideas that drove movements of democratic reform in both Europe and Latin America during the Revolutions of 1848.

The Unknown Light Examined

Sunday, 18:00-19:00 UTC

Session Type: Fan/Academic Presentation Presented by: Madeleine Recorded: Yes

In the tenth chapter of  Les Misérables, Bishop Myriel sets out to perform the last rights of Conventionnel G, a man reviled by all of Digne for having served on the body that voted to execute the king during the French Revolution. The bishop and the dying man debate the nature of equality, divine authority, and resistance to oppression. G’s fierce defense of the French revolution and Myriel’s staunch condemnation of political violence represent diametrically opposed philosophies, but the two men have more in common than first appears. They are both men of faith, in their own way, called to serve by their profound love for humanity. Intensely shaken by this realization, the bishop kneels before the dying sinner and asks his blessing.

What does this role reversal signify? How do Myriel and G’s conceptualizations of God and morality compare, and why does Hugo seek to reconcile them? To answer these questions, this panel investigates the thematic implications of this chapter. We’ll dissect the characters’ debate, discussing the historical and religious context that informs their moral frameworks—and Hugo’s depiction of them. Drawing on analysis by literary scholars, we’ll situate Hugo’s portrayal of the bishop and the conventionnel within this same context, evaluating the extent to which G is based on the Abbé Grégoire. We’ll also examine the impact of this chapter on Bishop Myriel’s characterization and symbolic role in the novel. Lastly, we’ll explore how “The Bishop in the Presence of an Unknown Light" serves as a political and philosophical thesis for Les Misérables.

Revolutionary Rants: “Les Misérables” Onstage from an International Perspective

Sunday, 20:00-21:00 UTC

Session Type: Fan/Academic Presentation Presented by: Tessa, Anne, Kaja, Marie, Apollon Recorded: Yes

What started out as an open call online to gather fans from around the world to rant about the musical version of Les Mis has turned into a group of musical fans from four countries getting together to discuss our different perspectives of various international productions of the show. Topics include our favorite cast albums, how our favorite character interactions are staged in various productions we follow (including Enjoltaire), our favorite actors from the different productions, and our favorite memorable moments from the show. And we would be remiss if we didn’t mention the major impact the 2012 movie had on us as well!

Paint & Sip

Sunday, 20:00-21:00 UTC

Session Type: Social Game Presented by: Psalm, Potatosonnet Recorded: No

A short presentation on the artwork of Victor Hugo, his medium and subject matter, followed by crafting time inspired by Hugo’s work.

Les Mis Letters: Building a Book Club

Sunday, 21:00-22:00 UTC

Session Type: Fan/Academic presentation Presented by: Mellow, Eccentrichat Recorded: Yes

There are 365 chapters in Les Miserables. Les Mis Letters is an email subscription that sends you one chapter of Les Mis daily for a year.

Rachel and Mellow have been running the “Dracula-Daily” inspired Les Mis readalong since 2023! Mellow will speak to the behind the scenes process of setting up a Substack and discord server, while other readers will speak to the experience of reading Les Mis for the first time in this format or the small projects they’ve put together while following along.

Les Mis Singalong

Sunday, 21:00-22:00 UTC

Session Type: Social Game Presented by: Megan Recorded: No

Let’s let loose by belting out our favorite Les Mis songs together! All singing abilities welcome and encouraged, it’s virtual after all 😀 It will be musical-heavy but we’ll be sure to throw in some other fan favorites!

Closing Session 

Sunday, 22:00-22:30 UTC

Session Type: Convention Administration Presented by: Convention Committee Recorded: No

Closing remarks by the convention committee, marking the official end of the convention.

Dead Dog

Sunday, 22:30-24:00

Session Type: Convention Administration Presented by: Convention Committee Recorded: No

 “Dead Dog” is a fandom slang term for a laidback “afterparty” that happens when a convention has officially ended. 

[lovelyrotter]

yknow i love transmasc/tboy dirk always and forever but the way some ppl treat transmascness vs transfemmeness in HS's narrative........kinda sucks. like the whole thing about how being transfeminine is a literal transient experience and lets the character in question (any character) truly escape the oppression of HS's narrative-as-a-character which is patriarchal and toxic (lord english, hussie-the-character to an extent. i guess. idk ive seen a lotta ppl lump SI-hussie in w/ this), which is great and does hold weight as an analytical lens esp with how hussie irl is nonbinary. but where does this leave transmasc characters. why are we treating (headcanoned) transfemme HS characters like this and then tbh gleefully dooming (headcanoned) transmasc characters to eternal narrative suffering brought by LE and then mocking them for being ''gross tboys'' full of ''icky testorerone'' so its their fault theyre in this perpetual torment really? because they ''''chose to be a man''''? dunno man its starting to feel bad. especially since some bnf's who are really into this fan theory do actually kinda treat the general idea of transmasculinity like somthing to hold with tongs at arms length away from them. as if its alien or infectous or something and then get really mad when equally dysphoric transmascs do the same with feminity. why are we dooming dirk strider to eternal toxic-masculine suffering and what does that say about how we treat real life transmasc folks both in and outside of the fandom

[fictionkinfessions]

LGBT canons; I think it's hilarious how I once was a transmasculine Exo with visible chest scars that glow blue built into my fuckin robot body, like I guess that trans identity was so important to me I wanted my top surgery built into my Exo body?? I wouldn't know, being reset 9 times and forgetting what I was as a human. It's hilarious to me though, especially since Clovis Bray is genuinely such a fucking bigoted asshole. What kind of rich people money did I give him for this to happen?? Or like, would DER have killed me if I didn't have a trans body?

For reference, Clovis literally removed the mother's DNA from his own children, dooming them to a lifetime of physical illnesses, one of the most evil characters I know lol (there's way more than this)

Also being Lithoromantic sucked!!!! I could only love someone when they didn't love me back, and when my titan teammate confessed to me after I died for like a year I immediately lost all romantic feelings for him :( still married him legally because why not, also married my other titan who is the sweetest woman ever, but I could never truly love them. Glad I can fall in love in this life. - Risk-9, Exo Warlock, Destiny 2 (OC kin, technically? It's my custom player character)

x

[sapphos-darlings]

i think i might be both lesbian and ftm (definitely homosexual, female, dysphoric, have considered transition for years and think it genuinely may help - its just putting the pieces together that gives me hesitation). im single, have dated a few other trans men when i identified differently, but ive never tried to date in the lesbian community. im trying to figure out how it would, i guess, work if i did transition? my current plan of "meet women & transmascs looking to date women or transmascs, tell them im a transmasc lesbian immediately, hope they understand what i mean and also mutual attraction is there" seems honest but possibly unlikely to work. am i missing something, or is it just a hard path im considering? i know one of the mods previously lived as a trans man so i was hoping you might have some experience or advice to share

Your identity, while it will sound wildly conflicting by the book, is actually not at all out there or anywhere near as rare as you'd believe. People are rarely black and white or fit into neat boxes, and transmasculine people have a long history with homosexual women. There have been, and continue to be today, butch lesbians who are taking testosterone or who have had mastectomies, and who go by male pronouns. Gender dysphoria and breaking the rules of our gendered society, in both gay and lesbian communities, has always been so prevalent that this cross-gender expression is rightfully part of our recognised cultural heritage, and one of the most rooted stereotypes associated with us. Even with the rise of transgender people's own, clearly separate rights movement, there is much more overlap in reality than these easy to identify labels would let you believe.

You, as an individual, do not have to be "lesbian" or "ftm" or "female" or "male" or "man" or "woman" in any particular way. It's up to you to express yourself, not your categories; while people instinctively assume that a label will cover all that you are, this is never the case for a person. We are so much more than these aspects of our identity.

And yes, the opposite is still true: there are gay men who date transgender women, and gay women who date transgender men. I follow plenty of trans channels to date as it's both relevant to my life now and to my history before and remains an interest, and some of these channels are for partners of trans people. One of the most common topics brought up is how to match one's identity label to the seemingly out-of-bounds relationship that is happening now, and seeing so many of them, and the unique situations of the people behind them, you come to realise that a label is not a natural fit for people, it's just something we make up to find community.

Further... beyond just exclusively gay people, we bisexuals are also here, we are plentiful, and we are absolutely wonderful. Not all of us, of course, are open to dating gender diverse people - but many others are, and we're typically quite relaxed when it comes to label complications simply because they don't challenge how we're expected to be dating, which is often a source of distress for both exclusively heterosexual and exclusively homosexual people when confronted with a relationship that isn't quite what the handbook said it would be.

Lastly, yes, you are choosing the hard path. That's just how things are, universally, for transitioned and transitioning people, and for lesbians, and for anybody else who is not the norm in our society. There are fewer of us, we are less understood, and we have fewer people whose attraction will naturally match with us either because it isn't how they're wired or because they've never brushed up with the idea beyond a hypotethical concept. However, this doesn't mean you're doomed by any means. Just using myself as an example: I'm truly a mess when it comes to gender, both trans and not trans at the same time and which label applies to me more depends entirely on the subject and the alignment of the stars, and though it's taken its sweet time coming, I've now been in a relationship with a wonderful nonbinary/gender diverse partner for well over a year. While they may not always understand the fine details of how my identity works, that can't really be expected of anybody, even somebody using the same label as I hypotethically might. I don't understand how theirs does all of the time, either - I'd say more than they don't get mine, as my struggles are largely of the transsexual variety, more about the body than expression, and theirs are more of the gender variety, where their identity and inner perception of self reign superior to the matters of the meat. But we don't have to be fully up to date on any of that: what we have in common is much more relevant to our everyday life than the fine details of the things we don't, and at the end of the day, what we have is a gay relationship, which - while it comes with its own struggles and difficulties - still allows for an amazing variety of self-expression in gender and identity both, even within this simple overarching label and state of existing in the world.

Whatever you choose, you'll find people you match up with, and in the end, it's better to be happy with yourself than unhappy with somebody else.

[bisexualgenderfemme]

In many many ways I agree with this post, including the most important thrust of it, but I have to strongly disagree on one small point.

full out saying this:

"when someone knows we're trans we're treated like a woman no matter what." (emphasis mine)

IS NOT TRUE!

maybe this is nitpicky, maybe this is just bad phrasing, but as this is? this is self defeatist, basically doomerism, & honestly makes me really dysphoric. like apparently everyone all the time is thinking about how I'm a woman just bc they know I'm trans? that's not true, plenty of people gender me correctly & actively think of me as a man, even when they know I'm trans.

YES! trans men face abuse & assault & job discrimination & all the other /specific examples/ listed, but this isn't it. Trans men are not doomed to be judged first as a woman in every situation they're in. there are absolutely times when, even though someone knows you (the general 3rd person you) are trans, you are still a man to them.

in fact, this is /part of/ why trans men face unique oppression, to some people you are not a woman, you are a trans man, and /that/ is what is being oppressed. that's part of why anti transmasculinity is its own thing & not just a copy of what cis women face.

This idea that everyone treats me like a woman "no matter what" upon learning I'm trans is directly contradictory to my lived experience. I am personally beyond the point of being viewed as a woman by most transphobic peoples standard bc I've 'ruined' my body so much that the judgement on my being trans I get the most is a third gendering/degendering/monsterizing experience. This is a reality many trans men, myself included, face & saying that everyone always views us as women actually prevents us from seeing our selves represented or getting the help we need.

again! maybe op meant something more like "often times when someone finds out you're trans they treat you like a woman after that no matter what" or "when someone is transphobic & they find out you're trans you often are reduced back to woman." which are both definitely true things I have experienced (tho more earlier in my transition) & I want to give that the benefit of the doubt, but I also don't want trans mascs/trans men to see this, read it as I did, & internalize the idea that everyone is secretly thinking "woman."

You can be viewed as a man! there are many people who will view you as a man whether they know you are trans or not, they will treat you like a man, (though unfortunately that sometimes means some of them treating you like a TRANS man) they will allow you to move through the world as a man. That doesn't mean everyone always will, or that passing isn't context dependent, or that passing privilege is real, or that passing isn't conditional: those are also all true! this is a complicated & nuanced subject where many things are true at once, that's why the finality, the totality, of

"when someone knows we're trans we're treated like a woman no matter what."

rubs me wrong. I don't want other trans men to give up hope.

im not sorry the truth of the transmasculine experience is ugly. i'm not sorry that we have to frequently discuss sexual and physical violence and abuse. i'm not sorry that we have to discuss violent physical abuse and death. i'm not sorry that we have to discuss homelessness, mental illness, addiction, disabilities, and other challenges in life.

we struggle. we do not instantly gain male privilege the second we come out. even if we pass. when someone knows we're trans we're treated like a woman no matter what. we can sometimes get lucky and pass with strangers but eventually people around us find out because people tell each other without our consent.

we face all kinds of abuse due to the fact that people feel entitlement to our bodies, regardless of what our AGAB is. they feel entitled to our faces, our hair, our entire appearance. they focus on the face that we're ruining something "pretty". they threaten corrective sexual violence to remind us that we're "just women". it happens constantly. this is not an isolated incident and virtually nobody wants people to talk about it when it comes to transmasculine people.

trans men often get injured for one reason or another. usually because someone wants to make them "prove" they're a man, to "toughen them up" or to "prove to them that they're a woman". sometimes this results in sexual assault. other times it results in physical assault. and sometimes people just kill trans men. all because they hate that a "woman" can transition into a man.

it's an ugly part of our reality but it needs to be discussed because otherwise people use the lack of that conversation as ammunition to say transmascs don't struggle.

transmasculine people struggle to stay housed. transmasculine people get kicked out of their living situations very often for many reasons. it's hard for transmascs to get jobs because often times people want either a man or a woman for a specific position and fuss over what they think the transmasc's gender is. misgendering is a huge issue at work. going stealth at work can be painful. being in the closet at work can be painful

transmascs are often disabled and struggle to get care due to people not taking AFAB patients' pain and symptoms seriously. this is a huge issue with any kind of AFAB person or any woman. all woman and AFAB people struggle with having their symptoms taken seriously when seeking serious medical attention to the point of possibly being undiagnosed for life, thus being unable to get on disability. trans women face this just as much as AFAB cis women, it's a huge issue in the medical industry

transmasculine people struggle to say on their hormones (or access them at all). testosterone is a controlled substance in many countries which means that you need a prior authorization to get the medication and need to consistently see a provider to get blood tests and check ups. it can be difficult to do so if you are low income and sometimes certain pharmacists will intentionally find ways to withhold hormones due to their own prejudices

transmasculine people struggle to get pregnancy support and care. it is very difficult for transmasculine people to figure out how to navigate their pregnancy, either due to their HRT provider not knowing much about pregnancy, or having a gynecologist who's not familiar with transmasculine health.

transmascs get denied from spaces made for men constantly. even if they pass, if word gets around that they're trans they can easily be kicked out of a space. transmasculine lesbians are often removed from lesbian, transmasc and/or non binary spaces. transmasc butches are often ostracized from all communities their identities correlate to. trans men and transmasc enbies are seen as a threat to women.

there is ugliness in every pocket of the queer community when it comes to how cisheteronormative society treats us. we all face disgusting treatment that needs to be addressed. it's important to consider how this system affects everyone underneath it. we need to talk about the positive things, it's good to help those are questioning, but we also must discuss what struggles we face in order to humanize ourselves and show that we people, too. none of us have it easy.

[bigboypasttimes]

Anyway, trans mascs seeing a lot of anti-transmasculinity online and offline: don't lose hope. My dearest and most trusted person in this whole world is trans feminine. Even though our experiences are not the same, we mutually support and lift each other up through it all. You are not doomed to be maligned and alone for your gender.

[sandutita]

i need more people to talk about topfreedom. because the situation that we're at right now is really bad. it's REALLY REALLY BAD. there is a very strong inequality between men and women in this issue that it's genuinely revolting to me how it's so normalised and everyone seems to completely accept it. this society prides itself in being progressive and inclusive and respectful of women, yet no one fucking talks about this very prevalent part of misogyny.

it devastates me. i hate living in this inequal world which has so thoroughly sexualised and demonised human breasts. it fucks me up really really badly. and the fact that i'm transmasculine doesn't help at all. sometimes i feel better about it; i think to myself that maybe this society will be better someday. but other times i feel worse; i wonder if i we'll ever have topfreedom. if we'll even have it during my lifetime. is this really what my whole life is going to be like? being bound by misogynists, forced to cover myself forever, obliged to hide myself whilst people with masculine chests get to roam free?

i try to take my own steps as best i can. i make art and normalise exposed nipples within it. i try to send a message that female-presenting nipples are just the same as male-presenting ones, they shouldn't be separated, they should be seen and treated as the exactly same thing. i encourage everyone else to do the same. whether you make art or not. just because the big things matter more, doesn't mean the little things don't also count. it would mean a lot to me and many others.

it just depresses me really badly how these are the social media platforms we are doomed to use for our daily interactions. instagram. youtube. tiktok. facebook. they all ban female nipples. why do they do that? short answer: rampant misogyny. long answer: this post of mine.

this isn't fucking okay. this isn't treating humans equally. it isn't respecting of human rights. it's vile and sexist. it's misogyny justified by law. it's the deeply ingrained power of the cis man trying to have as much power over women and their bodies as possible which still strongly affects our society today. it has to be tackled.

something needs to fucking change. radical action has to take place. something CONCRETE has to happen.

i'm so tired of waiting.

[bite-the-bloody-hand]

Zell - fear, hunt, mask

Anon I am blowing you kisses in a platonically camp but approachable manner. These are SO good thank you.

fear: What is your OC's greatest fear? What do they do when confronted with it? Are they open with their fear, or do they hide it away?

I love this one; it's a complicated answer. Fear is so intimate with Zell and is such a part of his personhood that it's very fun to dissect. Starting on the surface, Zell is a very 'show fear but make it comedy' kind of guy. He distracts from the real, personal fears by making jokes about the greater external fears like 'big demon trying to kill me' or 'several gods are personally mad at me right now' and so on. He recognizes fear and doesn't judge anyone for feeling it for any reason, in fact someone openly showing fear to him often makes him feel more compassionate, which makes demons fleeing from his murder aura in terror a… difficulty. He says 'I'm scared all the time' and passes it off as a joke but it's true.

He's terrified; it's the terror of having significant, inexplicable gaps in memory that only give blood and pain as feedback if he tries to explore them too much. Furthermore, he's afraid of what the personal details he's missing could be. Afraid of how that formless terror in his inaccessible memories might be who he actually is. Deep down, he's mostly afraid that whatever he tries to be or whatever he strives for, he is literally doomed to failure. He doesn't remember clearly who he was before waking up in Kenabras - just bits and pieces of a short but happy time in Hongli before getting snatched up by his father's people* and taken to Ustalav for his 'own good.' He's afraid of doing everything he's told and doing it well and still being punished for it, so… As you can imagine, how things unfold in game canon are pretty upsetting. It's a significant factor in his rebellious actions against authority, a mindset that if he refuses to play by their rules, he can't be punished for winning. These are the fears he hides under campy bravado.

He is also frankly afraid of disappointing Anevia, but has yet to really unpack what that means for him. It's mostly about the fear of his own power and what he is meant to or could become within it. (This is also about the fear of being transmasculine and being told that it means choosing to embody the 'inherent evil' of manhood, and how FUCKIN HARD that is to unpack when the world is falling down around you. Not that I know anything about this.) This is the fear he rarely speaks about because that also means opening up the Gender discussion and frankly the only people he wants to talk to about that are Anevia, Arueshalae, Daeran, and Regill**.

hunt: Who or what is your OC hunted by? A person, a feeling, a past mistake? Is your OC able to let their guard down, or are they constantly alert?

Strictly in the game canon, the biggest thing he has to constantly be on the watch for are Vampire Hunters looking to make a name for their selves, followed closely by Pharasmans of a certain inclination and finally by chasers, but that's a different kind of dangerous.

Constant Vigilance is something Zell is very familiar with because of this; he rarely has his guard down (and statswise his perception is off the fuckin' charts) but often goofs or gaffes to sell the myth that he's an oblivious goofball. However, it's almost impossible to actually catch him off guard in a martial sense. (Socialemotional situations are a whole different ballgame, he is constantly bewildered.)

In my own worldstate (my spin on the CRPG and TTRPG storylines mashed together like my favorite playdoh colors) - aside from the previously mentioned he is hounded by Socothbenoth. They have an extremely contentious relationship after Zell decided to reject the 'gift' of Socothbenoth's patronage (in a far less than gracious manner, might I add) and instead work with an entirely different Trickster patron and Azata allies.

Later, he catches the ire of the Shrouded One after stealing a Nidalian Grimoir of very particular secrets. That's more than enough detail about that little side quest… for now ;)

Finally, the Royal Council in Nerosyan have no kind feelings towards him as soon as he makes it clear he won't dance to the beat of their drum. Beyond this, his own secret research to assist Liotr uncovers a few things the Council's Church members would very much like to keep buried. Their assassins are the ones he's the most worried about, because they're likely the only ones who could potentially afford Greybor.

mask: Does your OC wear a mask, literally or figuratively? What goes on beneath it? Is there anyone in their life who gets to see who they are under the mask?

(Presented with the context that in my headcanon/worldstate Mendevians are FAR less cool with the undead than they have to be for the CRPG to be playable)

Both. Mechanically, for a time, Zell wore the Mask of the Rapid Bites (then I switched to cleaving everything teehee.) He did so during the initial push from Kenabras to Drezen, and for a while after, at Galfrey's insistence. In my imagination it's less of an enhancing piece of enchanted armor and more a big metal indicator that This Guy Is Dangerous Please Keep Your Distance. It's presented as being there to reassure crusaders who are less than thrilled with a Dhampir Commander, but it's really just a power move to show everyone paying attention who's still in charge. He is ALWAYS making faces at people under the mask.

Daeran absolutely despises it and insists on leaving what he calls "The Muzzle" in a drawer or in Zell's room when they're alone together - even before they became close. Initially Zell argues with him about it -he gets why people are afraid of him after all - but Daeran quickly argues him down.

His figurative mask covers the screaming anxiety and five-degree interdimensional sorcery chess game he's running to try and win this fucking war. On the surface, he effects a cool implacability that gives way to goofy huckserism that keeps people upbeat and comfortable. Something of a 'wise guy, above it all unless it's for the bit' kind of attitude. It is genuine in its way; making people laugh is drugs for him. But unlike Lann he doesn't deliberately let it slip for sympathy*** - he'd much rather people think he's simply adaptable and relatable.

Few people get to see past that mask; he doesn't like exposing his emotional vulnerabilities. He can't remember clear examples, but the sense of knowing that sharing those vulnerabilities with someone will immediately lead to exploitation is strong in him. It's part of why he chances it with Daeran: at least he already knows Daeran's tactics for striking at weak points, so he can frontload plenty of counter jokes as defense.

*I've often joked about Hellsing Alucard being the King of Vampires in this setting but it's only funny until it isn't.

**I think Regill would bring some excellent points about presentation and selfhood to the table have you seen him. Have you seen this elder hehimsbian in action. I ask you.

***I mean this with the utmost affection but like for real though.

[genderkoolaid]

In the mid-1870s the police regularly arrested a person called Jeanne Bonnet who always wore “male attire.” In contrast with DeWolf’s dress reform clothing, Bonnet preferred the stylish “hoodlum” suits worn by the city’s young and rowdy working-class men; with her short hair, narrow build, and a penchant for hard liquor, she regularly moved through city space as a man. Bonnet hung out in the bars and brothels along Dupont Street, befriending Barbary Coast women and persuading at least one local sex worker, Blanche Buneau, to leave prostitution and her exploitative lover. The police arrested Bonnet more than twenty times for cross-dressing and occasionally brought additional charges. For example, when the police realized that the masculine figure drinking at the bar was a woman in men’s clothing, they arrested Bonnet for violating not only cross-dressing law but also the local dive laws that banned women from entering bars. This harassment ended only in 1876, when an unidentified gunman shot and killed Bonnet in Blanche Buneau’s bed. The murder was never solved, and Buneau disappeared from the historical record. [...]

In October 1890 a judge sent Dick/Mamie Ruble to the state insane asylum because of “a hallucination that she should wear men’s clothing and wants legal authority for doing so.” Ruble was arrested for violating cross- dressing law, but the case took a dramatic twist in court, when Ruble refused to identify with available gender categories and explained to the judge, “I’m neither a man nor a woman and I’ve got no sex at all.” While many cross- dressing offenders pled for mercy and claimed their crimes were innocent “pranks,” Ruble challenged the judge to locate femininity on his/her muscular body: “Did you ever see a woman with a hand like that Judge . . . ? Look at that muscle. Oh I tell you I couldn’t pass for a woman anywhere, even if I tried.” Unimpressed by Ruble’s declarations, the judge called in the police surgeon, who referred the case to the Insanity Commission, located in a small basement room in city hall. The two-member commission reviewed the case, declared Ruble insane, and ordered his/her indefinite commitment to the Stockton Asylum, where the admitting doctor noted that Ruble “imagines she is a hermaphrodite. Wears male clothing. Wishes to have legal authority to wear men’s clothing.” Such “evidence of insanity” doomed Ruble to life in the asylum; s/he remained there for eighteen years, until dying from tuberculosis in 1908. [...]

Similarly in 1899 the commission found Sophie Lederer to be insane, noting that the twenty-three-year-old domestic worker “talks irrationally— acts silly and claims to be a boy.” Pohlmann spent two months in the Stockton Asylum before being deported to Germany, while Lederer effectively received a life sentence, dying in the asylum of heart disease in 1908.

From Arresting Dress: Crossdressing, Law, and Fascination in Nineteenth-Century San Francisco by Clare Sears

Its just like. wow. we will never know how many cases of this there were. everytime someone talks about how "oh they just didn't care that much" "women crossdressing was never a threat" "trans men can pass effortlessly" like!!! survivorship bias!!! this book specifically highlights how wealthy socialite women were treated totally differently & could get away with crossdressing by appealing to their status and cisness. while poor, non-white, and sex worker people could not.

Ruble and Lederer died in asylums. Lederer was twenty-three and he lost the rest of his life- nearly a decade- imprisoned for expressing transmasculine desire. Ruble lost nearly two decades. Both in famously misogynistic institutions where they were seen as insane, sexually deviant failed women; God only knows what they experienced during those lost decades. Bonnet was actively and constantly targeted by the police, and their murder was never solved- which reminds me of Big Cliff Trondle, another working-class FTM crossdresser (& sex worker) who was harassed by police and ended up murdered. They also remind me of other instances of institutionalized like Harcourt Payne, Edward De Lacy Evans, and Evan Keleman (who is a modern example).

im reading a book & uh. wow. trans men&mascs really have been getting institutionalized as insane and killed for centuries huh

[unstable-day]

Welcome to my blog!

-----------------------------------------

Hello there! My name is Malix, but I also go by Max. I use He/They pronouns, and I'm transmasculine, and also MLM.

I am a Minor.

This is just a quick introduction, along with some fandoms I like.

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DNI LIST! 🕯

(DNI list)

l0lic0ns

p3dos

racists

basic DNI criteria

dream smp fans

THIN ICE! 🕯

(thin ice)

Genshin Impact fans

Interact! 🕯

(interact)

Roblox Myth fans

Phighting fans

Project Sekai fans

Minecraft fans

Ultrakill fans

Doom Eternal fans

Halo fans

Red vs Blue fans

Royale High fans

Cat lovers/Animal lovers in general

-----------------------------------------

Fandoms I'm in!🕯

(fandoms I'm in)

Roblox

Royale High

Roblox Myths

Phighting

Project Sekai

Minecraft

Ultrakill

Doom Eternal

Halo

Red vs Blue

3FS

Rogurt

-----------------------------------------

Things about me! 🕯

(things about me)

I'm an artist! [I like to draw my ocs/roblox myths.]

I really like to research things I like in my freetime [like for example, guitars! I really like guitars.]

I love cats, and I also like alligators!

I have a lot of interests, but I rarely ever have one I'm in the fandom of for a while. [I've liked the DU for a while! (It's a huge fixation of mine, but I do not support the actors, and I separate the characters from the people.)]

-----------------------------------------

What I'll be posting!

(what I'll be posting)

My art (Not sure yet though!)

Things about my fandoms

Original Characters

-----------------------------------------

Thanks for reading!

[kunstmull]

I've been trying unsuccessfully to find an uncropped image of Imai's gold paisley battle shorts with no text splayed across them and no guitar in the way (honestly I think finding any photo of Imai with no guitar in the way is a losing battle.)

I know I've spent the past few months reblogging pics of Atsushi screaming 'gender!' like everyone else on Tumblr - but I don't think that's actually personally correct?

Like, sure, I do totally desire Atsushi in all his "sapphic poet goth cat dad MILF" glory with the heat of a thousand suns! But never in a million years could I ever embody Atsushi's gender. It just isn't me.

But then, lurking my way through the fandom, reading all the jokes about Imai ("looks like a potato smeared with eyeliner"; "woke up in a dumpster"; "eyebrows not included") and I'm just thinking... oh no. Oh nonono.

I've always had this problem with bands, since the days of Duran Duran. These boys are presented to you as a smorgasboard of boys you are intended to desire. But I have always taken them as a blueprint of boys I wanted to *be*. And often there is a gulf between the one I desire, and the one I want to be. (And the hottest slash in the universe always takes place in that gulf between the one I desire and the one I want to be.)

And I'm just looking at Imai, and going "Oh no, this band has a Skanky Ho Boy. I always have to like the SHB."

(Wow, I would have to write an essay on the evolution of the Skanky Ho Boy - mostly a 90s phenomenon, a smear of eyeliner, glitter, leopard print and peroxide best embodied by the Manics, a band I actually loathed at the time. (My stance on the Manics has since softened.) The skanky ho boy was skanky because slightly dirty - the aim was too look nonchalant about one's personal grooming, like one had slept in a dumpster - while at the same time looking glam and "ho"-like. Sexual in an overblown, feminine-coded, sex-work-advertising way. Dirty and slutty, in both senses of both words. While at the same time, being very much a boy - not a man, not a trans woman - kind of a heterosexual equivalent of a twink. A way of being male without being remotely masculine.)

((And looking back on the shape of my life, I now understand exactly how transmasculine the Skanky Ho Boy archetype was coded, for me. It's the boy I always wanted to be.))

And I *love* that Buck-Tick has BOTH archetypes. Atsushi, the extremely femme-to-the-point-of-almost-transfeminine* MILF that all the lesbians are kind of extremely weird about. Atsushi has the kind of beauty that attracts straight men and lesbians as much as he attracts straight girls. And then there's Imai, the SHB, who codes so, soo extremely weirdly transmasculine* to me?

Am I reading this right? Am I being completely weird and off-base here?

I sent videos of the band to my oldest friend, in whose apartment I lived for most of the 90s, and she just laughed, agreeing 'that guy's like the floor of your bedroom achieved consciousness, and this weird homunculus made of paisley, leopard print, pleather and hair dye came alive and started playing with all your guitar pedals at once.'

I'm doomed, folks. I'm doomed.

*PLEASE NOTE: before anyone screams at me, I am not saying that Atsushi *is* transfeminine (though he has certainly been talking about transfemininity an awful lot lately and he 100% dings my nonbinary radar, which has historically been very accuate) or the Imai *is* transmasculine. I'm just saying that it's extremely easy to READ them that way, that is, project my own social meanings onto their media-filtered appearances. I am talking about the images, not about the human beings behind them.