#dont tag with anything is what i think ppl say? i dunno

[fagsex]

hi happy pride! i feel awkward about this but our professors just let us know the laundry list of books we need to have purchased and read before the beginning of the next school year, alongside with one we need before the end of this month for a specifc exam. they are together a pretty penny but every little bit would help :) please select friends & family if you are able to help out 🫶🌈🌤 ilu bunches everyone who's helped me in the past, may help in the future, and has given me kind words during this Rough past two months. please know that i legitimately am unable to work and i feel bad enough for this already.

i do art commissions (human and anthro now!) and also custom content which you can find more about here if you need something back :)

[auckie]

I think the things that offend me most nowadays in like, smaller interpersonal interactions rather than grand, sweeping trends in culture, are when people chose to not partake in a wide set of things. Like musical close mindedness, or refusal to try different foods from different cultures. Not watching an entire subset of films bc they’re ‘french’. Avoiding reading bc you say you have adhd and it’s too hard. Like dude I get it, I’m busy. I can be picky. Everyone can. But the willful ignorance of closing yourself off to those VAST portions of the human experience, and not having curiosity and a lust to learn and explore art that was made by someone worlds apart from you either in terms of their culture, era, whatever. I dunno man it just pisses me off so bad. I think it’s arrogant. Like oh you’re comfortable in your safe little bubble huh? And you’re enforcing its barriers with the excuse that you’re autistic and have sensory issues. With music made by black people?? lol okay. It is pretty presumptuous for me to assume malicious intent but I think those prejudices are borne from either the comfort of being someone who’s wealthy and probably white not feeling the need to learn past what they think is enough, or it’s a reflection of a society that’s taught you to prioritize what it shills— popular, current (white, depending where you live ig) artists who are making streamlined, easy to digest content. Often when I meet people with these issues they’ll have one particular ‘niche’, and it tends to be like. 70s music. Victorian literature. Anime and Japanese games. But they’re still not really investing beyond the media presented. Like there’s so much more to Japanese culture than liking some cartoons put out between 2010-2020. You don’t gotta become some sorta Einstein who learns the background of every little freak in FGO yeah. But don’t you wanna aim higher? Aren’t you interested in any of the historical figures? And nothings wrong with hopping onto a trend. You read Dracula bc of that Dracula daily thing. Cool! Read more. Some people will say they’re chronically ill or disabled and can’t get outside. That’s okay. The internet is full of things you can read other than fanfiction, YouTube has a shit ton of free music. There’s Wikipedia and free articles online if you have questions about things. Yeah nobody is spending four hours a day looking at the national archives website and studying art history but it’s imbued in the things around you, and youll absorb it ambiently as you go along. you dont have to be a jack of all trades and cover every major genre of every major medium, but it never hurts to try! I really love seeing ppl ask too. Bc it can be kind of humiliating to admit to what seems like some jackass hipster that you’ve never delved into, idk, Serbian films (lol not that one). And hopefully if whoever you’re asking will give you honest good recommendations and not berate you. I’m kind of berate a straw man rn I guess. The hostile tone def doesn’t lend to an atmosphere of sharing but I cannot tell you how many times I’ve rbed anything involving specifically jazz only to see someone rb and add the stupidest comment on the post, or in the tags, or go into my inbox to be like waaah I don’t like jazz bc it’s boring and old and for pretentious hypocrites who hate neurodivergent people! Like what are you TALKING about. Fine if you don’t like it but don’t try and rationalize that as a moral standing you shit lark. And just as they’re allowed to dislike jazz I’m allowed to not really enjoy people who don’t like jazz. Or country. Nautical knots. Knit wear. Watching urbex YouTubers get their shit rocked by squatters. Korean food. Pachuco fashion and stupid ugly low riders. Bollywood films. and they don’t want to try any of those things either yknow? The next thing I’m getting into is circuit bending.

[istherewifiinhell]

HM for the bingo: matoba, um um um. your least favorite oppie. your most favorite starscreamer. ummmmm. Abyssal Black Flame Dragon

HEHEHE

shitty id in alt. WELL THATS URRRR GUY. thats the guy thats nat.sume is about. pretty sure <- took me like a year to figure out this is not the case. he is silly. ive seen it in the gag manga. hessss a pretty loser goth in and out of drag what is not to like. im just assuming ur the most right about him i dunno if that means other ppl are wrong tho

joelle joelleity joelletwo is trying to get my ass murdered on tumblr dot gov. EDITED AND UPDATED. need to reflect that my constant with this one is i get why megs got like that

[alt]. ohhh buddy...... you asked. 1. no personality. 2. hate his whole vibe (aesthetics/affect) 3. BETRAYED THE REVOLUTION. 4. not a very good conflicted pasicfist if thats what they were gonna go for. 5. tee fee pee special. u know show dont tell. this is tell, then forget to bring up ever again. simply. simply. listen if the girlies in the tag have to make him interesting for their fanfic and fuck nasty shit (honourary) go with god. i have read good fic of him. but thats compliments to the fans. me personally. i would simply use any other iteration. i suppose u cant beat how DIVORCED this guy is. im not opposed any of his specific characteristics really. its the holistic sum thats my enemy.

DOODLING HEARTS AND GRAPHIC VIOLENCE ON THE SCANTRON <- which tf is that 🥁🔔

[ALT] actually can i edit this again lets do a bingo for bullying. he got bullied possible the most anyone has but ill bully him some more 😏🤨😳. now ur some ppl might think oh u like this screamer so much to u inversely not like this megs for beating him up. well not u tho. thats gotta be one of my favourite 2 minutes in all of tf kajdgbjfdhb. hes not real so hes fine with that i asked him myself. ANYWAY WHAT IF U WERE BACKED INTO A CORNER BY UR OWN VIOLENT IMPULSES AND CONSEQUENCES OF UR OWN ACTIONS and also millennia of unending war so u just decide to go full nihilist about it. and this literally saves your world and people. well not the ones u killed but most of em. and u keep winning <3 and ur pettiness and self severing survival instincts also saved the universe. btw. idk if i have HC so much as. i can see my reading of the text not being universal but also im right <3. billybob thompson one of 2 fav non latta screamers. prettiest modern screamer design

out of LEFT field but i LOVE IT

[alt] wait how did u land on a orbeez side character i would at remember the vibes of enough to get double bingo. was it dragon sooyoung? kfjjdf. DO U KNOW. how often i watch something and think. this character would be improved if they were an edgy anime fourteen year old. WELL HERE IT IS. the most important thing u can be in the world is a shitty emo teen with a deviant art dragon fursona. i dont remember anything else im literally just like. thats perfect. what a shit head. the best character in the book now im saying so.

[goldie90]

I must say, that whole situation is...strange.

I'm ace, sex repulsed. I see something I don't like, I scroll down. And though I can understand ppl being upset about seeing untagged NSFW (cause the main perks of Tumblr's broken tag system is that you can block what you don't want to see, like NSFW or any content someone might not like) I dunno...the whole situation feels like it's getting out of hands ?

Could you tag your posts as Nsfw ? And could this whole mess be resolved between you and those that made that call out post ?

You've always been pretty nice so yeah I was surprised to see all that, and I hope things might...idk, get better I guess ?

Good luck with all that, friend

Hi anon.😃

Honestly I´m pretty confused myself cause I´m here for almost two years and I never used any special tags for suggestive content and no one ever complained and then yesterday I suddenly had these crazy freaks in my ask box who act like a little suggestive post can be considered hardcore porn and like I would post things like this all the time, when it´s only like 1, 2 times a month, it´s really crazy. Especially because I don´t even know these people.

Anyway, I blocked them after that whole drama, so hopefully I won´t have to deal with them again. And I dont think that I will change anything about the way I´m tagging my posts, especially because it is so rare that I even post nsfw stuff + it´s never too explicit either.

Thanks for your message, that´s really nice and I hope you have a wonderful day.💖

[yharnamsnewslug]

How did you figure out you were a dude? Im afab, thinking im agender, but i dunno... It/its pronouns give me what i think is gender euphoria, but i cant use those irl bc ppl would think im weird. I used to think i was anything but a man, because who would willingly be a man, but your posts (and growing up) have shown me a different side of it, and now i dont know. Im so confused over who i am. Once it looked like i had short hair and i was ecstatic, and i keep having, i dunno, like a phantom dick?? It's been a thing my whole life but i haven't thought about it and aaaaaa. Im so confused. Sorry for this ramble, i just don't know how to figure anything out and all i know is if i could have a beard i would be happy. Sorry/thank you

Oh, hi! Don't worry, anon, you're not bothering me at all and people are welcome to ramble about gender and personal experiences in my inbox, granted that if anything should be trigger tagged, it is.

I'm not that good at giving advice and I'm certainly not perfect and not a pillar of knowledge, but here's my opinion;

Gender is hard to figure out. The reason for this is because everyone has their own perception of gender and what feels good. Thats why I'm so glad that there are so many pronouns floating about the internet - you can take what feels good to you. Pronouns are like names: you choose the ones that fit you. And nobody else should have a say in it, because it's yours.

If you want to figure your gender out, give it a name and discover what group/subgroup of gender you belong in, that's great! And I encourage you to research and ask other nonbinary folk! But if you're doing this to prove to someone that your experience and your gender is real and not weird, I'm afraid there's not much to do. Because people will always think that the things they do not understand are strange.

There are plenty of people, plenty of transmasculine people and trans men, who use it/its pronouns. And agendrr people who do lean into masculinity as well. The people who matter, who respect you and love you, will use your pronouns and refer to you as you want. That's called respect and basic decency.

If you like short hair and feel bottom dysphoria and want a beard, then I suggest you look up the effects of HRT! Testosterone could be a great balm for that pain, and there are so many posts about it!

Being a man is nothing bad. Being nonbinary, leaning into transmasculinity, is nothing bad. It's wonderful. My advice is that you try to look at yourself through the lens of transmasculinity and, if it makes you feel better, well, there is it!

But also, if it doesn't fit, it's also quite alright :) experimenting and learning as you go, growing and changing your perspective? That's just life. I used to think I was nonbinary and then realized I was a binary trans man. And there's nothing wrong with being nonbinary, I just realized it wasn't for me.

And it took me a while to realize. Give yourself time and have patience. Sometimes the answers come to you quick, others slow. Don't be afraid to experiment and don't be afraid of neopronouns or it/its; they're wonderful.

I hope you have a good day, anon ❤

[merlions]

hey i think it's time to stop being like, for example, "let's violently destroy these awful people for tagging the q slur" (the word queer) or like other words for identities

and start: recognizing that the ouroburotian nature of the internet punishes children for not having Purity Of Thoughts and committing Thought Crimes and doing anything slightly wrong and like help the world reevaluate that ideology?

like if you're taught from an early age that Some Words Have Weight then things start seeming Sensitive. like even identifying as an agender pansexual person at age 14, I had a hard time saying the word "transgender" or even "gay" to my parents at age 17, even knowing my mom's best friend throughout her entire life (until he died during the AIDS epidemic) was gay and that she was not gonna like Hate me or Know smth abt me for saying it

it's just like so clear why people think those are slurs - being that they are emotionally charged words unless you spend a LOT of time dismantling that in yourself and if the people around you do the same - and if you attack people head on saying they're fucked they just think they should double down because we train these same, again, CHILDREN, who are raised on the internet (even if they're now adults who have just maintained these ideas) that any attack on what they think is Good and Right and Just is made by a Bad Person who doesn't have love and compassion in their heart. like if someone is mad at you for tw-ing something, they're an alt right redditor fuckboy who's about to call you a snowflake cuck

alternately: addressing "yes I know this is an emotionally loaded word but hey, it's just the name of my identity, and being told that's a bad word hurts my feelings" is an appeal to what these same ppl have been indoctrinated in since they started interacting with the internet: a genuine want to do good, while lacking the ability to deal with more than black and white in terms of ethics

and listen i know it's hard to not be mad but 1. i was indoctrinated in just this exact way, was predisposed to it even because black and white thinking characterizes ocd, and it's taken years of learning how to be a human to move away from that and i still dont always know what's right! WHICH IS ALSO a really important thing to always bear in mind, but that kind of indoctrination paired with cancel culture means it's a really fragile and terrified state of mind so opening things up to just instinctively react as NOT mad, instead of instinctively reacting with "fuck you" is the ONLY way to let these ppl learn, TRUST ME I HAVE BEEN AND AM ONE OF THEM

2. have you ever met someone who has changed their mind when you yelled at them. even once have you ever met someone who has done that even one single time. or is approaching with understanding always at least going to give you a chance to change their mind??? and can you kinda see how saying "well fuck you for thinking queer is a slur, you shit hell fuck destroying my identity" is black and white thinking instead of saying "I understand you're trying to do a nice thing and your intentions are good, unfortunately the consequences of these actions are sadly harmful, but you're not a bad person for doing that unintentionally, so it would just be a really great and meaningful act to change that habit" as well as "i know you should know already but it is literally possible that you have actually never heard this said from a kind voice instead of a yelling one"

I dunno yall like let's treat people who are clearly trying to do good with kindness empathy and understanding or else what are we even doing

[jedi-order-apologist]

yooooo just wanna say im legit SO glad i found ur blog. ur fantastic at putting words together to form solid debate w/o making it feel like unwarranted aggression. u would make a fantastic jedi. i totally get why more people dont bring up the issue considering how ppl get online, but its so great to just read good jedi meta! i also think its fascinating (in like. a horrifying way) how the jedi hate in the fandom came to be, and your explanation feels like it hit the nail in the head. (1/?)

Fundamental misunderstandings about Asian philosophies, false equivocacy with the Christian religion, intolerance toward aro/aspec folk, being just flat out unable to relate to or sympathize with characters that dont act or process in certain ways, these are all things i def noticed but never had the words to put into! Ive seen the term "marital bliss" used maybe 4 times in fandom unironically, (2/?)

ALL in star wars. someone once compared the no attatchments rule to "pray the gay away" (yes about anidala, a very much het couple) The way they cry "child thief cultists!" one minute then joke over soldiers in the aftermath of a battle (that they fought in and walked away from) finding a small child in the wreckage (of what was likely their home, meaning said soldier was likely responsible for attacking and destroying and uh. orphaning them) and then taking them from the planet without (3/?)   

, i dunno? checking for extended family? And i LOVE true mando culture (i am sabine wren's bitch forever and always, and each and every one of the clones are a babe) but somehow other sw culture tags, (mando and tatooine basically) are just hella anti-jedi??? and this really unfounded idea that no one in the order liked anakin, and that they didnt have a fufilling sustainable way of life after a millenia of existing, and the inexplicable but we all know why dislike for windu especially?? (4/?)

youve managed to answer so many questions while also giving and linking genuine, informative, interesting meta for anyone interested in listening and im super grateful for it! (sorry for the monster of an ask lol. also just realized i ended up talking more about negativity than anything else of the MANY things i wanted to compliment u on T^T) (5 or 6 idk anymore/?)            

Thank you so much! I’m really glad that my blog and meta has been able to resonate with you and so many other people :) And I’m glad that it doesn’t come off as aggressive, because I do worry about that sometimes when I’m trying to think of the best way to word things.

It really is so unfortunate how much more criticism the Jedi get in all aspects than any other culture in Star Wars, and how often appreciation for those other cultures spends an inordinate amount of time taking potshots at the Jedi as if to bolster their favored group by comparison. Sure, in-universe, it makes complete sense for many Mandalorians to be anti-Jedi, but the fandom doesn’t need to be.

People really don’t understand the “no attachments” thing - a lot of the expanded material didn’t help with that because they too often conflated attachment with love, and people projected that onto the films. (I also think the AOTC marketing is to blame a bit too - I was only 6 at the time the film came out so I don’t really remember but a lot of the marketing stuff seems to have gone really hard on the “forbidden love” aspect. A lot of the trailers, for example, have the line where Padmé says she thought love was forbidden for a Jedi, but don’t include Anakin’s response to that explaining the difference, so of course the former part sticks out in people’s minds through repetition).

And yeah, the Order was, as far as we’re shown in the films/TCW, generally reasonable towards Anakin and did their best to support and guide him - it’s just, well, evidently guidance is criticism in the fandom’s eyes. That, and a not-insignificant part of fandom likes to woobify him, and twisting the situation into a “everybody was so mean and unfair to him” thing is a pretty standard woobification tactic.

Fanon interpretations of the Jedi are just...really annoying, in general, and if I can at least get people to consider a more charitable view, then I’ll be much happier. If not, well, at least I can commiserate about it all with other Jedi fans like you!

[c-e-c-r-o-p-i-a]

Hey! I love your art, and blog! I’m writing a treebros fic on AO3, and it’s a big’un, and I could use some encouragement to keep me motivated. How do I reach the DEH fandom like you have? Are there tags I should use that I don’t know to use? 😅 thank you in advance ❤️ I think you’re really v lovely! ❤️

oh gosh ummm first lemme start out and say that I really appreciate you reaching out to me!!! and all the compliments are just SJSHSH thank u so much I really mean it!!! ❤️❤️❤️

as far as reaching the community goes, I try to reach out to as many people as possible by supporting their artwork, writing, and such. like writing comments and generally putting yourself out there is a big one!! I think one of the main reasons I even have followers in the first place is because of lapse, which gained a lot of positive attention for reasons unbeknownst to me!! but I try to respond to every comment I get on ao3, and no matter what ppl say I just keep going yknow? and it’s hard but even if I don’t get many comments I just keep drawing and I keep writing because it’s fun for me. it’s something I enjoy doing! it’s easy to lose yourself in statistics and numbers and such and obsess over them but I promise if you actively try not to think about that you’ll have a much better experience.

bottom line is— create for yourself. I get into the habit of being in the middle of a paragraph and I’ll be like, BUT WHAT IF PEOPLE DONT LIKE THIS PART. WHAT IF ITS TOO OOC. WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF and that’s where it fucks me up yknow? it makes writing so much less fun.

I dunno if I answered your question or just rambled on uselessly just now BUT if u have any more questions or anything PLS feel free to message me!! and that goes for anyone!! ❤️

[freewheelshippin]

30 utapri questions!

Thanks @dekiaibadchoices​ for the tag, this was an awesome way to wind down after a ton of nonstop busy busy busy!!! (and thanks for tagging this blog vs the general utapri one so i can REALLY gush LOL) Here’s the OG meme! 

1. Your best boy?

BANANAMAN RAN WHO ELSE  

2. Your least favorite boy?

“least favorite” implies dislike which...not true! truthfully it’s much of HEAVENS by nature of ‘I haven’t spent as much time getting to know these characters so I don’t really know who they are.’ (though I already know I love to go for drinks and snacks with Van hehe) i do like all of HEAVENS quite a bit from what i’ve seen so far but that affection has not had time to ripen! 

3. A character that you never thought you would love as much as you do now?

mnmnj ranran tbh 

4. A character you can relate to in any way?

I can’t answer everything with Ranmaru but like. His ambition, straightforwardness, and how the soul and spirit of music motivate him to move forward beyond a tough past are things I same hat so much ;; But HONESTLY I also relate a lot to Masa and Tokiya, especially in their moments of self-doubt and dramatic commitment to to their art? 

5. A character that you think deserves more love?

Oh, Cecil, without a doubt. He’s such a resilient, committed, and open-hearted cutie and gets really shafted by canon tbh. Which makes it harder for everyone to see what a great boy this sweetie is! But I appreciate how Shining Live has given him some room to have really cute and standout moments so everyone can love him more but okay like, give me more Ceci and Ran palling around I love him most when they’re up to shenanigans 

6. A character you would want as your partner?

well we’re posting this fuckin here so you all fuckin know (im very embarrass rn i can barely say it lmao) 

(for the record i would also very much like to be friends with reiji and syo, they are cool people i think i’d get along with! and i know myself, if i knew otoya or masato IRL i’d just be like ‘well. that’s my son now’ and basically appoint myself their tough big sis-type-friend lookin out for them lol) 

7. A character you would want as your mentor/senpai?

I would swallow a pinecone before I called him ‘onii-san’ but teach me how to network kotobuki-senpai 

(No, like, forreal, I suck so, so bad at a ton of stuff Reiji is aces at, and I respect the hell out of his *waves* general everything and skilll navigating the industry. Since I’m a goofy, jokey, overenthusiastic teacher for work a lot it’d be nice to be on the receiving end of all that energy! and be a fucking decent kouhai that isn’t so horribly unappreciative of all his hard work and good cheer ) 

8. Your favorite ship?

shut your whore mouth i dont have the marbles to write it out 

(tbh it’s also Haru/Tomo, I just feel so much more romantic chemistry between those two than Haru and any of the boys u___u  Friends’ selfship stuff goes without saying, haha, and ngl I’m kind of About a Ren/Van rivalry hatemance? can i call it a kismesis thing? it’s a kismesis thing.) 

(actually no I think I’m just a member of the “Ren Fucks and sometimes it’s Hatesex” club) 

9. A character that you want to cosplay/have already cosplayed?

I had plans to cosplay Ranmaru a couple months ago bc it’s really not much of a stretch for my wardrobe, haha, but I dunno about that anymore! Part of it was wanting the Euphoria of looking like a tough, twunky, princely anime character but tbqh I’m already that every day of my life so 

I suppose if you were to pull my leg I’d go for cosplaying Van, mostly because I wanna try that mullet on for myself. 

10. Favorite side character?

TOMO!! LOVE U BITCH WHEN WILL I HEAR U SINGGGGGG 

11. Your favorite solo song?

god this is horrible how can I decide??? so many good ones??? I think it’s a draw between Top Star Revolution, No. 1, Brand New Melody, Wild Soul, Seien Brave Heart, and Junketsu Nara Ai ~Aspiration~ ??? 

12. Your favorite duet song?

HMMMMM again too many good ones. Three-way tie between Haru Hana, NorthWind and SunShine, and Original Resonance! 

13. Your favorite trio song?

Ahhh Dream More than Love is really nostalgic bc it’s the first Utapri song I really loved, but i gotta be real. It’s just Egoistic. There’s just no getting better than Egoistic 

14. Your favorite group song?

mmmm i’m be basic. Poison Kiss 

15. Your least favorite song?

I love Ai and Shouta Aoi’s incredible voice but......I’m really not a fan of super slow, overly-saccharine songs. u__u so A.I. really, really doesn’t land with me, much less so than easygoing (like Knocking on the Mind) or somber (like Winter Blossom) songs. 

16. Your favorite singer?

ranran...it’s always ranran...

(I do also adore Natsuki’s and Camus’s voices! I tend to like deeper, richer vocal qualities, but you just can’t beat Ranmaru’s subtle growls and high-energy rock!!!! <3) 

17. Your favorite group/trio/duo?

god what combo of these idiots DONT i love? I could watch Reiji prank and tease Ranmaru all fuckin day, and I also really like it when Ran’s at his most ‘tuff big bro-y’ with, like, Ai, Otoya, and Cecil!!! but honestly I do like how the Ran/Masa/Ren trio isn’t so straightforward and is more or less held together by a thin string of professionalism, there’s something i appreciate about not forcing ppl to just bury the hatchet and be Perfect Friends but you all can still care about each other? (Ranmaru needs to be nicer to them still but...) 

i need to suggest one that isn’t ranmaru centric fjdsioafjsa i fuckin love Soccer Buds (otosyo) and I loooooove it when Otoya and Cecil are good to each other!!! 

18. Your favorite member of Starish?

they’re all my favorite but if you REALLY had to make me pick.....Masato, probably, haha. I just...if you take yourself too seriously and care so much about everything but still know how to be Nasty how can I not love you??? 

19. Your favorite member of Quartet Night?

what do you fuckin think, hoss 

20. Your favorite member of Heavens?

I mentioned earlier I don’t really know Heavens well, so ofc this is all liable to change! But off the bat I love what a conniving yet wholesome bastard Eiichi is and Van is just the kinda guy I would rib and pal around with IRL!! 

21. Your favorite seiyuu/voice actor?

Ahhh that’s tough! I love all these goofbags, and Tattsun really is just so cool and makes music I’m pretty about. But I think I gotta give it to Suwabe, his performances are always so him but still pretty varied, and how can you not adore a man who loves his chihuahuas that much??? 

(if i’m being 100% honest Tattsun lost points bc he voices my absolute least favorite character in granblue ffjsfjisda) 

22. Favorite Drama CD?

HMMMMMMM see as a certified Giant Tool for Everything Mecha and silly and extra, I enjoyed the hell out of Polaris, but it really suffers from a lack of Ranmaru in my humble fuckin opinion lmao. So even though I’m not one for pirate stuff most of the time, I gotta give it to Pirates of the Frontier!! I really loved Ranmaru and Otoya’s dynamic in that one, and Camus was juuuuust the right amount of shitheel, too. 

I haven’t heard the whole thing but that thing from Egoistic where Natsuki squeezes Ranmaru to death and Eiichi’s just like ‘WUAHAHAHAHAH’ is also the mcfuckin best. 

23. Your favorite shining live card?

CAN’T PICK 

HOW COULD I POSSIBLY PICK?????????? LIKE??? I love the fucking dumb, dumb, dumb ostentatiousness of Evil Villains, I LOVE a good heel, and I also worked so so hard to t1 that event and had a lot of fun doing it!! But also, I just love his big smile and all the energy and mixed prints from Fortune and Prosperity, and it was literally the first time I ever got the exact card I was rolling for in a gacha on the last pull I had left!! (He also came home during a time I was really going through some shit, and ngl it rescued me a little bit!) but AHHHH Soulful Bass also came out right around my birthday, I love all the textures in the outfit and it’s generally the most My Aesthetique thing Utapri has ever released!!! And god, I just love it when he’s so confident and in his element like this, it sets me on FIRE to see him light up the stage wurghjgfj ;___; They all make me just want to HUG SO MUCH ARGGHHHHH 

24. Your favorite song beatmap?

Ahhh I think Shining Live really has great beatmaps across the board so that’s a tough pick! Almost all of them are super fun in their own way, but I think I gotta hand it to Wild Soul, Top Star Revolution, and Innocent Wind! 

25. Your least favorite song beatmap?

A.I. u__u Sorry, Ai...it’s just not fun for me.

26. Black Deja Vu or White Gravity?

Actually I’m really glad for this question bc I’ve been so busy lately I hadn’t given myself the time to really check them out! checking ......... 

and yep. Black Deja Vu. (I mean...Ranmaru is on it, haha.) But I’m so about this. Love this heavier sound and all these harmonies, this is so juicy. (White Gravity also absolutely kicks ass though!! I’m really liking that voice group, it’s making especially good use of those higher registers!) 

27. Utapri merch that you own/want?

Honestly I don’t have much u__u Not a lot of Utapri merch is my thing...you know? I’m mostly shopping for Ran merch if I’m getting any, but I’m very picky about how he gets drawn? Keeping his toughness and a particular clothing style about him is so essential, haha, and barely anything hits that sweet spot for me. But I will say I adored the whole ‘My Favorite Things’ series, and if I had the budget and space atm I’d love to get some of the Ran goodies from that line! 

28. How did you get into Utapri?

I first heard about it through some acquaintances from cosplay before Quartet Night was a thing. It didn’t appeal enough to my heavy metal ass to make me drop everything and try it, but I did have an interest in it I couldn’t explain and I’d always intended on trying it out. (especially after I got into Love Live and idol anime for a bit.) But it was Shining Live that got me! And I really only downloaded Shining Live because I was super exhausted after a business trip, didn’t want to leave bed once I got back home, and just wanted to sink my teeth in something new I could enjoy for hours while lying down, haha.  

29. A set theme in shining live that you want to see in the future?

This will surprise nobody, but something tougher. More rock, more punk, more metal. I want all of them in studs and spikes and leather, and I want less polish. More rough! 

I’d also love a wrestler set complete with who’s-a-heel-who’s-a-face but that’s a pipe dream and a half, lmao. 

30. Why do you love your best boy?

Oh boy. 

I think he’s this powerhouse of a human bean who can face a ton of pain and meet it with a big middle finger. And that middle finger is chasing after ambitious dreams, of spreading the power and soul of the same music that made me who I am and influences so much of my work, but also being ... you know, smart about it? He’s an idol because like, sure, maybe it’s not the OG dream, but you can’t dream if you’re dead, and you also deserve to give yourself a life and platform to share some of who you are, and you can do a lot of good with that, too. (And I won’t lie, I respect the drama of a man who takes his hair that seriously and commits so hard to the aesthetic he wears fuckin mismatched contacts i just. charm point ) 

But at the same time....I don’t know, this might sound presumptuous, but. I think. I just think he’d think I’m as neat as I think he is. I’m an ambitious, passionate person, too, and I also furiously stick to my ideals, and I also love the same kind of soul of music he does. I lean a little more metal than I do rock, but I think that’s nice, like sharing it has that ‘alike but different’ kind of familiarity and novelty all at once. Sometimes it’s tough sharing just how deeply rock and metal have sculpted me and my artwork (and therefore my career), bc it’s so deeply personal to me, and sometimes there’s weird elitism/misogyny/racism to deal with, too. But. The way he talks about rock, the way he describes the passion and how it transcends identity and is just a pure rush of power and sharing your feelings..................it just feels like he Gets it the same way I do. Just that unspoken, burning passion and understanding. I know it sounds weird to feel that strongly over just a music genre, but I just vibe with how to him, it really isn’t ‘just’ a music genre. I feel more accepting of myself for it, and I’d like to think he’d be real proud of himself for that.  

And listen, like....I’m very sentimental, but I really don’t like saccharine, flowery, romantic kinds of affection to be lavished on me. Just be straightforward but also a little tsun about it fjdsjfas and ..... those are the kind of feelings I can accept. And that’s the way Ranmaru is, and it’s also grounded in the kind of reality that I don’t like to be swept away from. He’s just so cool and hardworking and unwavering in his passion, it makes it easier for me to do the same despite all the bumps in the road. This got real long but Ran’s a cool dude, haha, I got a lot of positives to say. 

Anyways, I never tag folks for these things, but I love seeing everyone’s answers! If you see this and wanna fill it, feel free to count this as a tag from me :) I know this got real long, but with 30 questions how could it not haha? Thanks for reading and sticking around! 

[queer-starling]

Flower ask: also all of them. you get to suffer with me >:3€

oh darlin’ we’re in it now huh

Alisons: Sexuality?

homogay

Amaranth: Pronouns/Gender?

she/they | all gender will be shot on sight

Amaryllis: Birthday?

sept 23rd

Anemone: Favorite flower?

monkshood

Angelonia: Favorite t.v. show?

stranger things or ghost adventures

Arum-Lily: What’s the farthest you’d go for a stranger?

like? distance? a couple miles probably

Aster: What’s one of your favorite quotes?

“We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and our little lifeIs rounded with a sleep.” William Shakespeare, The Tempest

Aubrieta: Favorite drink?

wild cherry capri sun

Baby’s Breath: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

ima change that to ‘kiss the last person u thought abt kissing’ bc YES

Balsam Fir: Have you ever been in love?

*jenna marbles voice* hell yeah!!

Baneberries: Favorite song?

waiting for the end - linkin park 

Basket of Gold: Describe your family.

chaos

Beebalm: Do you have a best friend? Who is it?

i have too many to list !!! brandi, kasey, you, liz, ivy, nick , just to name a few!!

Begonia: Favorite color?

blue uwu

Bellflower: Favorite animal?

foxes !! and opossums

Bergenia: Are you a morning or night person?

night time babey

Black-Eyed Susan: If you could be any animal for a day, what would it be?

either a fox or an opossum or a raven, i think

Bloodroots: When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

i wanted to be a vet !!!

Bluemink: What are your thoughts on children?

theyre ok as long as theyre not screaming and/or mine

Blazing Stars: What are you afraid of? Is there a reason why?

i don’t liike vomit bc. nastey (trauma i think) and i don’t like old ppl well. i dunno why? they’re just so old and fragile and helpless and sometimes they’re really mean and idk i think it’s like something to do w death or something LMAO idk. also i just hate the idea of becoming old and having to rely on other people ?? hhh

Borage: Give a random fact about your childhood.

i was bullied a lot

Bugleherb: How would you spend your last day on Earth?  

realistically? probably playing dead by daylight with my girlfriend ADFSGRHYUTR

Buttercup: Relationship Status?

happily taken 

Camelia: If you could visit anywhere, where would you want to go?

ireland, scotland, alaska, greece

Candytufts: When do you feel most loved?

whenever my friends or family tells me they love me but esp when u text me goodmorning or when we say our goodnights sorry im gay haha

Canna: Do you have any tattoos?  

i have. uuuuhh 6

Canterbury Bells: Do you have any piercings?  

no!!! i want some tho :(

California Poppy: Height?  

i think im like. 5′5 or something? give or take an inch ?

Cardinal Flower: Do you believe in ghosts?

oh absolutely. my house is haunted as we speak

Carnation: What are you currently wearing?  

bmth hoodie and pajama pants w foxes all over them. i just woke up lol

Catnip: Have you ever slept with a nightlight?

yeah i always keep one on in the bathroom

Chives: Who was the last person you hugged?  

my sister bc she came home from college yesterday

Chrysanthemum: Who’s the last person you kissed?

ask me in like. a little over a month from now ;)

Cock’s Comb: Favorite font?

FONT??? the animal crossing font

Columbine: Are you tired?

oh absolutely

Common Boneset: What are you looking forward to?

thanksgiving, christmas, seeing my gf, magfest

Coneflower: Dream job?

idk if it’s a job but i just wanna own like. a ranch that takes in all sorts of animals and takes care of them

Crane’s-Bill: Introvert or extrovert?

introvert 

Crocus: Have you ever been in love?

ooooh yeah

Crown Imperial: What’s the farthest you would go for someone you care about?

i mean. depends on what they want/need. distance wise? i’d travel the known universe for u  

Cyclamen: Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a child? What was it?

he was a plaid teddy bear his name was Stanley!!!! i miss him :( but now i have Little Moon God as my favourite stuffed animal 

Daffodil: What’s your zodiac sign?

Libro

Dahlia: Have you done anything worth remembering?

Working in Yellowstone is something I’ll never forget

Daisy: What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment?

well. hmm. i was gonna say flying to yellowstone but maybe driving to north carolina by myself bc driving long distances alone to places i haven’t been before gives me hella anxiety (i’m better now)

Daylily: What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner(s)? 

i don’t pay rent in this house to listen to their opinions lmao. 

Dendrobium: Who is the last person that you said “I love you” to?

you, i think, when we said goodnight last night!!! EDIT: you this morning!!

False Goat’s Beard: What is something you are good at?

being bad at dead by daylight

Foxgloves: What’s something you’re bad at?

dead by daylight

Freesia: What are three good things that have happened in the past month?

(little over a month now but uhhh) GOT A UH ......GIRL.....FRIEND ...... GOT TO VISIT GIRLFRIEND ........ and got the windshield finally replaced in my car 

Garden Cosmos: How was your day today?

i dont know! so far ive laid in bed now im at my computer answering this. not too bad. my shift is only 4 hours today. 

Gardenia: Are you happy with where you’re at in your life?

for the most part, i’m pretty content, yeah

Gladiolus: What is something you hope to do in the next year or two?

MOVE OUT 

Glory-of-the-Snow: What are ten things that make you happy/you’re grateful to have in your life?

my friends, my mom, my sisters, my girlfriend, my bastard dog

Heliotropium: What helps you calm down when you feel stressed?

metal   

Hellebore: How do you show affection?

what does this mean. physically, i’m very affectionate, i just. don’t show it alot bc anxiety/i overthink. that and i constantly tell ppl i love them and what they mean to me 

Hoary Stock: What are you proudest of?

whoever is reading this

Hollyhock: Describe your ideal day.

wake up next 2 a cute girl. take way too long to get up. go climb mountain w cute girl. vibe on mountain w cute girl. go to waffle house 2gether. gome home and vibe. play video games or watch a movies/tv w cute girl.  

Hyacinth: What do you like to do in your free time?  

i like to make art or play bideo jame

Hydrangea: How long have you known your best friend? How did you meet them?

oh gosh i dunno. the ones i’ve known the longest are kasey and brandi, and i’ve known them both around/over a decade i think. we met in middle/highschool!

Irises: Who can you talk to about (almost) everything?

you, ivy, liz

Laceleaf: How many friends do you have?

so many 

Lantanas: What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

idk man but i remember when you said u had a crush on me and then i posted a selfie and u were like ‘OH NO SHE’S CUTE” and like ??? idk i think that was definitely the first compliment to ever shock me LMAO 

Larkspur: What do you think of yourself?

6.9/10

Lavender: What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

my tattoos

Leather Flower: What’s your least favorite thing about yourself? 

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGGViLwHEUk

Lilac: What’s something you liked to do as a child?

i liked to play zombies ate my neighbors on the sega genesis !!!!

Lily: Who was your best friend when you were a kid?

eliza !!!! we lost touch a few years after i moved away :(

Lily of the Incas: What is something you still feel guilty for?

ima be real everything makes me feel guilty

Lily of the Nile: What is something you feel guilty for that you shouldn’t feel guilty about?  

aaaaaa the whole abi/moon incident 

Lupine: What does your name mean? Why is that your name?

my name is fox. it means i like foxes

Marigold: Where did you grow up? Tell us about it.

northern virginia babey !!!! that place fucking sucks!!! but everyone who lives up there thinks they’re hot shit. 

Morning Glory: What was your bedroom like growing up?

i had a bunkbed and i think the walls were pink 

Mugworts: What was it like for you as a teenager? Did you enjoy your teenage years?  

😬 i’m just gonna say i’m much happier now and i’m coping with life and shit a lot better  

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom.

she’s sweet and funny and i love her so much!! she always does the Most for everyone, sometimes to the point where she isn’t concerned abt herself and i see where i get it from. but yeah my mom is great, my dad doesn’t deserve her 

Onions: Tell about your dad.  

source of a lot of trauma and why i have so many issues regarding men. i don’t wanna talk about him anymore LOL he doesn’t deserve the attention

Orchid: Tell about your grandparents.

my dad’s mom is becoming senile and i think she’s racist and queerphobic. my mom’s parents disowned her a few years ago so we don’t talk to them anymore 

Pansy: What was your most memorable birthday? What made it be so memorable?

i dunno. i don’t try to remember my birthdays. whenever i can go to busch gardens for my birthday i usually have a lot of fun there. 

Peony: What was your first job?

if you don’t wanna count working w my mom as a florist, target was my first job back in 2016. i found my name tag the other day , actually

Petunia: If you’re in a relationship, how did you meet your partner(s)? If you’re not in a relationship, how did you meet your crush/how do you hope to meet your future partner(s), if you want any?

WELL, i know you followed me on here first. and then twitter?? but we didn’t really start talking until stranger things 3 came out (thank u stranger things) PHYSICALLY, we didn’t meet until fursonacon (haha. i remember when u texted me that u got to the hotel and i came down to help n i saw u unloading yr car and it was then that my brain was like OH NOOOOOOOO and my heart was like OH YEEEEAAAAAAAH) 

Pincushion: How do you deal with pain?

physical, mental, or emotional? i play a video game or listen to loud music

Pink: Where is home?[

somewhere in appalachia i can feel it in my stupid soul 

Plantain Lilies: If you could go back in time, what is one thing you would stop/change? 

idk man i’m pretty content w where i’m at now so 

Prairie Gentian: Who is someone you look up to? Describe them.

chester bennington 

Primrose: Describe your ideal life.

i have a waife and we have many great pets and we live in a log cabin in the mountains or in a nice victorian in a small town or something IDK but we’re happy and that’s all that matters 

Rhodendron: What is something you used to believe in as a child?

God

Ricinus: Who’s the most important in your life?

my mom, me best friends, my girlfriend

Rose: What’s your favorite sound?

my girlfriend’s laugh because it’s THE cutest shit and then when she giggles??? oh my heart 

Rosemallows: What’s your favorite memory?

oct 23rd, 2005, we brought Fat Boy Zack home !!!!

Sage: What’s your least favorite memory?

July 22nd, 2016. i was 2200 miles away

Snapdragon: At this moment, what do you want?  

to be holding my girlfriend >:(

St. John’s Wort: Is it easy or difficult for you to express how you feel about things?

hhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine life without?

those i hold dear

Sweet Pea: How much sleep did you get last night?

enough, i guess? 

Tickseed: What’s your main reason to get up every morning?

my girlfriend

Touch-Me-Not: How do you feel about your current job?

it’s fucking BORING and TOO EASY and they don’t pay me ENOUGH but i can get away with so much shit there so ima still go, ima still go 

Transvaal Daisy: What’s your favorite item of clothing?

all of the flannels currently in my possession

Tropical White Morning Glory: Describe your aesthetic.  

mountains, woods, forests, cabins, autumn, cryptic, occult, victorian, edwardian

Tulip: What would be the best present to get you?

if someone gets me a gift i’m legally required to execute them

Vervain: What’s stressing you out most right now?

this 40hr workweek i got coming up 

Wisteria: How many books have you read in the past few months? What were they called?

i have not read in So Long

Wolf’s Bane: Where do you want to be in life this time next year?

Moved out away from here lol, we’ll see

Yarrow: Do you know what vore is?

:/

Zinnia: Give a random fact about yourself.

i’m a furry

that was SO LONG im sorry i also put you through that but THANK YOU ENJOY READING ILU

[sevdrag]

dreamwidth update: Word update, Nano update, Life update

been meaning to update just like ive been meaning to do a lot of thingslksdjgldkfjgdf

So here I am 20 days into NaNo and still banging it out like a champ. I’ve had two goose egg days so far, but I’ve had a lot of very productive days as well (esp thanks to lassarina!) and as of today I’m about to be only ~1200 words behind actual target. That’s ~32K of absolutely original fiction I’ve written this month and I’m on track to making it 50K.

The amount was never a question for me - last year, after quitting my job and signing up for the Winterhawk exchange, I wrote 57K in 10 days; that pretty much proved to me that NaNo wouldn’t be about the wordcount - but it was about the habit. Can I write every day on something? Can I write original stuff every day? Can I write it around all the other words I do, for pay and for fandom?

I mean, yeah, sure, looks like I can.

I’ll admit, I went into November with a changed mindset. Having realized I’d been out of industry work for a year absolutely hit me in the head with the what do you have to show for yourself rock, and it led me to a new sort of determination I haven’t seen in a while. NaNo - the act of doing something daily and tracking it - was really just a crutch to get me into new habits. And it’s working — somewhat.

I’ve been much better during the day about dedicating time to words. I can write over 5000 words in one day before my brain really starts to sink. I can switch between original and work and fanfiction as I need. And I’ve been writing (nearly) daily for 20 days now, which was the goal, so yay.

But - as my fucking dumb gay ass should have predicted - regiments and discipline come in steps. And when I’m spending time on original fiction to that degree every day plus my work words, plus fanfiction stuff, I still don’t have time to do much more than... keep up. I’ve made no real progress on unfucking the house; I can keep afloat, but that’s it. Any extras cleaning I’ve done over the last few weeks has been UNdone by days where i can’t get to thinks.

[And, also, crucially and critically: I am sick. I’m sick for the first time in MONTHS, possibly since LAST WINTER. It was a good run while it lasted, but I’ve now been sick for over ten days, sinus infection / flu / fever / cough / sore throat / runny nose / sneezing / aching / stuffed head / gross feeling / no willpower to do anything / naps every day and not the fun gratuitous kind. I do need to note this because it’s also robbed me of any extra energy I might have had for additional activities.] [I don’t mind because it wasn’t like I was ever going to get sick again in my life, and this really just proves that it was having me out of a crowded office situation with tons of people and their tons of germs that helped me stay as not-sick as I did for so long.] [ Plus I always get sick on November so it’s like oh, hey, you again?]

The key will be — December, I want to say, but December always sucks. Holidays take up a lot of space for me and my family - not just time, really, we only spend a couple days together, but the energy of preparation and gifting always becomes frantic and gross by the end - and I have another niece birthday visit coming up that’ll eat up a weekend. The key will be taking this daily motivation and hanging onto it through December, and into January, and letting it morph itself into something that encompasses more than writing.

Now that I have the daily habit, I want to do the same with drawing, to just doodle something daily and let myself practice at that. I need to set days and times aside for house projects and have them be priority — not let the specter of Nano Words or Work Words be more important (Nano is of course a fallacy i use to be lazy; work words are important cause they pay).

I’m not really sure where I’m going with this ramble. About four or five days in I had a real low period and almost decided to quit NaNo because it was interfering too much with the rest of my day and words and chore schedule and grumble I didn’t know what I was doing and I should be writing work and commissions anyway and such whining. Then I woke up on day like six or seven, my head clear, realized that had been An Episode, and just pushed on with the wording. 20 days and over 30K is a success for me on projects; it’s the maintenance, the daily bits.

I dunno. There was gonna be a point to all this but now I’m just talking about the process (but in the most BORING way POSSIBLE because i dont want to get INTO the PROCESS and now I’m just CAPSING at RANDOM)

Anyway. Still here, still writing, still having successes and failures big time. Still broke! Who knew!

(It will always be a shame that ppl at tumblr cant see my brilliant DW tags; i use IFTTT to cross post, but i haven’t yet found one that will swipe up all of my DW tags and include them on the tumbles)

comments Comment? https://ift.tt/348Bbb1

[a-ffection]

1-99 🐸

BET YOU THOUGHT I WOULDNT DO IT SCRUB. I tagged this #long post if yall dont want to see it btw sorry

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?

According to Spotify Me its 1. Hail to the King - Avenged Sevenfold 2. The Beautiful People - Marilyn Manson 3. Holy Diver - Killswitch Engage 4. Sick Like Me - In This Moment 5. Girls in Black - Airbourne 6. Shrike - Hozier 

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

MY SOULMATE DAMMIT

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

ugh ”Now the bad news, im afraid, is that we won't be home for supper.”

4: What do you think about most?

Money

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

“Maybe not” - from you

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

Without8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)

Girls are cute; Boys are cute but at what cost?

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

Yup

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

Idk last week11: Do you have any strange phobias?

Public bathrooms and men with neck or face tattoos

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

When i was younger i used to stick straws up my nose

13: What’s your religion?

Roman Catholic

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

Walking the thot

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

Behind, I don't trust most ppl to take pics of me

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

Uhhh Avenged Sevenfold probably

17: What was the last lie you told?

idr

18: Do you believe in karma?

Yup

19: What does your URL mean?

It’s pretty self-explanatory 

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

Procrastination; Loyalty 

21: Who is your celebrity crush?

Currently Henry Cavill 

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

Its on my to-do list

23: How do you vent your anger?

Chores lol

24: Do you have a collection of anything?

Mushroom decor, books

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

TEXT

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

Happier yes

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

Crowds; Nature

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?

”what if i tried harder and passed this class the first time around?”

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

YES x2

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

Cell phone; cookie

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

Nothing really

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

LA

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

West Coast

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

Hozier

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

To impact the world and/or its inhabitants in a positive way. 

36: Define Art.

Art makes you feel some typaway

37: Do you believe in luck?

Yes, only because i have horrible luck

38: What’s the weather like right now?

drizzling

39: What time is it?

6:23pm

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

yes and yes

41: What was the last book you read?

Sea of Strangers by Lang Leav

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

Yes

43: Do you have any nicknames?

Jaz, Jazzy, princess, noob (curtesy of my bro) 

44: What was the last film you saw?

Ready or Not

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

Hairline fracture. Urban Air. Rock wall. Jumped off. Ouch.48: What’s your sexual orientation?

I like boys

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

lmao YES

50: Do you believe in magic?

I believe in portals to other dimensions does that count?

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

Yup

52: What is your astrological sign?

Leo

53: Do you save money or spend it?

Both

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?

Starbucks

55: Love or lust?

Both

56: In a relationship?

No

57: How many relationships have you had?

idk

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

No

59: Where were you yesterday?

Why do you want to know frog boy?

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

Dogs collar

61: Are you wearing socks right now?

No

62: What’s your favourite animal?

Owls

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

Be really nice and smiley to them but like in a low cut blouse66: What is your heritage?

Native North American. Mexican, Spaniard 

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

Sleeping

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?

Morningstar

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

I-

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

Yess

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

Save the dog, my boss is a cunt anyway.

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

Uhg a) Yes b) Things ive always wanted to do c) Probably 

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

Love, since it comes with trust anyway

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

Hail to the King

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

6744

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

Communication, trust, honesty, time, consideration, maturity, sexual attraction

77: How can I win your heart?

Have these traits: Beard, muscles, weeb, a sweetheart, sense of humor, be Catholic, have a decent career path, give me all the attention

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

yes

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

uhh

80: What size shoes do you wear?

9 in heels; 9.5 in shoes

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

Something that will make goth kids take pictures on my grave

82: What is your favourite word?

Bastard

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

The Sacred Heart cause im catholic and hispanic

84: What is a saying you say a lot?

Bad words and insults

85: What’s the last song you listened to?

Old Time Religion - Parker Millsap

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?

Teal, Green, Red, Black, and Pink

87: What is your current desktop picture?

A pretty forest

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

Id save it for a rainy day

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

”Have you ever watched hentai?”

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

Put collars on them and teach them tricks

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

Healing - people, the land, etc.

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

dunno

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

Ive already did that according to the therapist i had

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

Im saving myself for marriage 

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

Ireland

96: Do you have any relatives in jail?

Yes

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?

Yes, when i was a kid

98: Ever been on a plane?

Yes, to Cali

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

Your governments will always consider your freedom a burden

[cayennecrush]

Out of curiosity, since you're kinda into Lapis now, is there anyone you'd pair her with? Such as Peridot or Bismuth for example?

u know what im just gonna use this as an opportunity to rip the bandaid off and come out with it lol,, 

ive been thinkin about jaspis lately. shocking, i know. for some insight, heres the tags from a personal post i made: 

#post.txt #what i say: im really picky about the jas//pis i like #what i mean: most of the jas//pis ive seen blatantly frames ja/sper as an aggressor or dominant figure in the relationship #:even though that directly contradicts canon. it also usually has a heavy focus on lap/is’s feelings and pretty much just uses ja/sper as #:a prop in their “relationship”. ive also seen a lot that is uncharacteristically fluffy and happy and portrays ja/sper as someone who #:enjoys being manipulated and controlled by lap/is and has no say in anything herself which is extremely unhealthy #:and is a really toxic relationship dynamic to glorify (which is also how i see most if not all lap//dot being portrayed) #:therefor im beginning to find jas//pis i actually DO enjoy when its framed in a way that makes sense for the characters and has #:a more equal power dynamic between them as well as giving attention and focus to jaspers feelings and seeing her as more than just #:an object or aggressor to place la/pis in a “victim” or “wife” position #so anyway tl;dr its really weird going from being so viscerally uncomfy and upset about a ship to actually enjoying it #when ur around ppl who dont frame it in super shitty ways LOL and like actually care about the character U Care about most #andi know everyones like “draw what u want who cares what anyone else thinks” #but i feel like there would be such a fucking FIT if i drew jas//pis……….. #in a way that makes sense for me and that i enjoy u know? #idk #blehh #its not even like im like “ohhh theyre gonna be romaaanticcc” like fuck no lol but i think they have a rly interesting dynamic to explore #and maybe its something i want to think about #i dunno #lays on the floor #im sick and tired ill deal with these feelings later

basically, the majority of the jaspis ive seen in the past i havent liked, but lately ive been enjoying what i see on twitter and i realized that 100% has to do with the way that its framed and characterized, so i think it might be fun to try exploring again at my own pace (seriously guys, pls dont ask for this or any other lapis ship lol)

all of this is helped immensely by what i said about lapis a bit ago—that i feel after CYM shes much more honest and isnt constantly trying to deceive those around her. my top issues with lapis have always been 1) lack of accountability 2) lack of authenticity 3) lack of loyalty. she ticked off 2 and 3 for me in CYM, so im confident shell take responsibility for her actions in the future. because of THAT, i feel like she can be authentic, loyal, and responsible in her relationships, which i didnt feel she could before. which opens doors to other possibilities within her relationships… 

as for my personal headcanons about lapis, i see her as aromantic, so i wont be shipping her romantically with anyone (same as how i ship garnet with others). shes very independent and i cant really see her seeking out or benefiting from that kind of relationship. but friendships and maybe some benefits? sure why not! 

obviously things are way more complicated with jasper, but thats part of why ive been thinking about it. theres a lot of anger and despair and bitterness between them, but also i see the potential for a biting, sarcastic friendship with an undercurrent of genuine care once theyve had time to work some things out. 

i know some of you might be upset by this, but also remember i am a real person. i have my own thoughts and feelings, and its healthy for people to consider and analyze their feelings and be open to change. it will always be tagged appropriately so it can be blacklisted, and the fact of the matter is youll barely have to worry about it anyway because jaspearl is still my favorite ship lol 

anyway those are my current feelings, i figured its better to just. dump all of it out right now in a post than have to explain in 800 tags when i inevitably post an art of it eventually lol 

[patchdotexe]

So, I have a character who is a system, and I wanted to know before I develop them further, how does DID work, from a personal account? I really really really don't want to accidentally create yet another TOXIC misinterpretation of a real condition (because I know how horrible that can feel), and I hope I'm not saying anything wrong even now. (P.S. I love your blog, but I'm too shy to come off anon.)

hey anon!! it means a LOT to me that you sent this message :D theres a lot of really messy-bad potrayals of DID in the media so seeing people actually going to the effort of asking systems abt their experiences is really heartwarming for us. (plus the fact that ppl keep asking us in specific abt system stuff omg,,)

im gonna preface this by saying that, in the end, i can only really talk about my own experiences with full confidence. systems can work pretty differently from each other, but this is how we function and also some details ive noticed from system friends + general discussion over the years

so, to start off: Dissociative Identity Disorder is, at its core, your brain trying to respond to trauma in a pretty severe way. that being said there ARE systems that didnt experience severe trauma and still developed, and im not really sure about the mechanics behind that but i find it really cool and it totally exists. im gonna focus on trauma-based systems bc that’s our ~tragic backstory~ and also tends to be what most people opt for when creating system characters anyway, but the only real difference from what i can tell is, uh, a lack of trauma.

I HOPE YOU’RE READY FOR ME TO SAY THE WORD “TRAUMA” A WHOLE LOT JFC

(system friends are welcome to reblog with corrections or added info!!)

anyway. the way your brain responds to things is really weird. if something happens where you’re just, like, completely unable to handle it, like you dissociate yourself so hard because there’s no way you can manage this, your brain has a chance of going “uh… well, fuck, uh” and generating somebody who can manage it. or it might decide to be a dick and take all of the fucky internalized garbage and turn it into a person whose sole existence is to be an asshole. (they have the potential to get better, i think… ours didnt.) honestly theres a bunch of reasons and a bunch of “roles” that could lead to an alter/headmate* forming.

* we use the terms interchangeably depending on mood and whos fronting. i think its supposed to be “alter” is DID, “headmate” is implication that theyre non-traumatic? we like using “headmate” because it brings this fun mental image of us being a bunch of roommates constantly starting shit with each other and goofing off which is pretty accurate about 75% of the time

i keep getting distracted bc my cat is here. this is gonna be fun to go back and edit.

whatever the original situation is, you’re suddenly not alone in your own brain. and it’s REALLY WEIRD. communication was VERY hard. Icarus, our system original, used to do a very “cliche” thing of sharing a journal with their early headmates, where theyd write a sentence and then theyd write a reply (although back then they didnt realize that was a system-related thing and just thought they were having a fun conversation with their ocs. which… they were, just. Actually Talking.) they didnt have any inward perception of themself or their headmates either, so that kinda built up over time (with some help) along with the appearance of our headspace so that there was… actually a location for people to interact in. once they had a better awareness of things, mental communication got a bit easier– its sort of like background chatter really, when everybody’s awake. sometimes i get weird out of context things from Mae yelling at somebody, or sometimes ill be talking to a friend and someone’ll butt in.

when talking out loud, this usually leads to us suddenly stopping and then laughing or going “no!!!”. when on discord and around people who know who we are… well.

speaking of Mae, she’s pretty much my sister. not like… biologically? because i don’t think thats possible for me, but shes kinda literally my “other half” which ill get into later. headmates can have strong attachments to other alters! friends, best friends, family, dating, whatever. they can also do that with people outside the system, and itll be different for each headmate. there’s like 4 people dating Jorb but i just see him as one of my best friends. we’re people and we have complex social interactions that can get to be kind of a nightmare when you’re around a bunch of people who don’t know that you’re Not Leo and that youre suddenly not super up to existing around people in general.

plus even if like… so Jorb’s dating 4 of us like i said, but his relationship w/ each of them is different? Ica is very clingy and likes rambling to him, Summer’s pretty much just always happy to hang out, Mae makes fun of him a lot but in a loving way, and Leo is… kinda “all of the above” because that’s his gimmick. plus even tho a few other alters have a sibling-ish relationship with Mae like i do, usually its just me and Mae that do the “chaos siblings” bit.

the basic system.. thing… is that there’s “front”, which is being in control of the body– so, like, i’m currently fronting/in front, because im the one currently active and using our computer and staring at our cat.– and then theres the headspace, where everybody hangs out when theyre not in front. the headspace itself can differ in style & functionality for each system, and i think theres some systems that dont really have a location at all? but for us its like a full on location where we have individual rooms, places to visit if we get bored while away from front, etc.

theres also like, being at/near/away from front? so currently im in front, but Leo is pretty much always lurking nearby if he’s awake (we have individual sleep schedules that dont always sync up to the “irl” one, Trust is almost always sleeping), Ica’s somewhat in the back talking to Rookie so i cant really make out what theyre saying (its probably about either a youtube thing they both like or about a comic they want to do), and everyone else is either asleep (in which case they could be nearby but i cant currently “ping” them, so id have to actually take a sec to ground myself in headspace more) or in a different room. communication is easier if im in front and somebody is nearby, or it can be like with Ica rn where im like “well, theyre talking, but i have no idea what theyre saying and am making a guess based off their usual interactions”, or i could pass off front to go talk to Ica and come back (in which case my memory would be kind of vague and weird because information doesnt always properly translate), oooor i could actually go bug them while still in front. which.. im not gonna do rn bc then id get super distracted.

switching front differs between systems a lot! and even varies from day to day. like there are days where we wake up and we have absolutely no idea who we are bc we went to bed as one person and woke up as another. or we could be talking to somebody and then realize “wait, i stopped being Leo a bit ago, who am i”. or we could pass off front to somebody, like if Summer really wanted to front sie’d run up to me and let me know and we’d swap. or if something critical happens (usually a breakdown), Leo or one of the other headmates that’re more built to handle stressful situations will literally drag somebody out of front to make sure they dont hurt themself. or sometimes we throw front at people unexpectedly, like either mid-breakdown where we go “okay i dont wanna be here anymore, tag youre it” or sometimes because we think its funny because its the metaphysical equivalent of getting clonked in the head with a dodgeball, except the dodgeball is “being in control of our shared physical form”. usually mae’s the one that does that lmao

there’s a couple major categories of how alters come about. there’s “walk-ins”, where they kinda just… appear externally? like they just show up. sometimes we get a feeling of “huh. i think somebody might be here? or somebody might be showing up soon.” and have to rummage around for a while until they approach us or we find them. our walk-ins aren’t like, inherently aware of system stuff at first, so they usually get a crash course before they first front (if they choose to front at all) and it can be kinda entertaining. Rookie’s a walk-in! also Hiro, from a couple years ago. most of our walk-ins are fictives (fictional characters, usually appearing in response to us getting extremely attached to something or somebody) but a couple of our trauma splits are also fictives so that’s not like, a Rule or anything. i think these are mostly associated with non-traumatic systems but we get em fairly often so man idk

theres also… uh, i dunno what theyre actually called? we used to call them “constructs” but that sounds kind of mean. these alters exist to fill a specific role! and we usually dont talk about them on here with the exception of one major one, they just kinda hang out. Dhe exists to keep the system stable and manages the “backend” so to speak. Imp is kind of a mix of our intrusive & impulsive thoughts that came about from us trying to separate ourself from them so that we had an imaginary entity to go “nope!” at, which… stopped being imaginary, and is now a gremlin that lives in my brain. they can show up in response to trauma but arent split off of somebody, they kinda just pop into existence to help manage things.

the more… well-known, i guess? alter origin is “trauma splits”. rather than “just showing up one day with no real connection to the system origins”, trauma splits are formed when somebody in-system, uh, splits. it could be in response to a single situation or something built up over a long time, but somebody just kinda breaks and somebody new that has a bit of the original alter’s identity (if kinda influenced by the situation) shows up.

this can vary. All is a trauma split off of Leo himself, who got saddled with all of our brain hell about our ex and their insystem appearance is influenced more by eir than by leo which is… something they struggle with. Mae has a trauma split from a similar situation that is “Mae but from 2 years ago”, so basically her old identity before she reworked herself after getting put through total hell. and then uh… then there’s me and Mae! Icarus quite literally exploded into several people, with Pat (me) and Mae being the most distinct ones. we’re STILL finding out alters used to originally be a part of them that later evolved into their own people, like Summer and Toby. my identity is shaped pretty heavily not just by who Ica was at time of splitting, but also what they wanted to be jumbled together with trying to rationalize what was happening to them (they’re a pretty big fan of megaman star force, which has a media-typical system in it, so they leaned into hard “its like pat and rey from mmsf! i like pat, i wouldnt mind being like pat, its scary but im like one of my current favourite characters” and so i ended up being like, half-weird shapeshifter, half-green-haired prettyboy. and yeah thats where my name comes from!)

(Ica got put back together w/o anybody needing to integrate, which we were all very scared about, and it’s still kind of surreal to me because… me and Mae used to be able to stick ourself back together and thats how we found out about what happened to Ica in the first place? and we havent tried that since bc we have no idea what would happen. Ica 2: Ica Harder?)

despite their origins, trauma splits can be way more than… being a split. :V;; Toby’s not just a tiny splinter of Ica, he’s a quiet guy that gets stressed out and isn’t totally sure how to interact with people. i’ve existed for like 7 years at minimum and im a totally different person than i was when i thought i was still Ica, ‘cause ive had time to grow and change (and a problem Ica keeps running into now that theyre back is… they kinda Didn’t change because they were MIA for 6 years.) like everything else though this is variable– there can be “temporary” splits that dont develop properly and might get integrated back in, which has only happened to us when we were at the lowest point in our life where we were stuck constantly splitting to try and cope with whatever the hell was going on.

so Ica was gone for 6 years, which meant our system was without an original or main– there wasn’t anybody to be head of the system, basically. for a while i was operating under the assumption that i was Ica, so i filled in that role for a few years before i made the realization. eventually i kinda… stopped being able to, though, bc of stability issues, and then we were back to not really having a proper main anymore. to make up for it, we started going by Leo collectively and kinda… trying to pretend to be a single person? and so that ended up creating a construct to fill the role of “system main and the person we pretend to be when passing as singlet/not a system”: Leo himself! he’s kinda the most prominent traits we all have in common rolled into a single guy, which means that not only is he a pretty good system representative but we can also pretend to be him pretty easily (unless it’s someone like Toby who acts totally different). i dont know how common this situation is, i think normally it’s just “if system original is gone, another alter steps up” like originally happened to us before i had a severe case of problems disorder.

uhhh this is very rambley bc there’s a Lot to cover and now im trying to figure out how much of it i HAVE covered. systems are complicated and weird! OH WAIT okay i have one last bit.

so like, for us, first realizing we were a system was total hell. we fought a lot. as more alters showed up through various means, there were times where Ica felt like they were completely out of control of their own life bc of having to manage everything. there were a lot of panic attacks of people fronting and not being sure they were even REAL, despite… being in front. but we still felt like we were deluding ourself. this was in, like, late 2011, so systems weren’t a THING. they were a very fringe community that everyone hated. we got constantly harassed, which only fed into Ica’s panic hell and our identity issues. interpersonal relationships became a nightmare, especially because we have BPD as well which varies in severity for each of us but… for me it’s pretty bad! there were times early on where every day was another fun new breakdown from us arguing with each other or our friends or not being understood or… etc.

so… how are we holding up ~7 and a half years later? pretty well, actually! we talk to each other. we do things for each other, like buy food or games we know specific headmates like. Ica is back and way happier than they were in 2011, and is thrilled to get to hang out with everybody that’s showed up since. we help each other through problems, because at the end of the day our system ended up being a support network. Ica couldnt function on their own, so we’re like… 10+ people working together to try and be a single functional person. and we feel pretty okay with that! we still fight, and we still start shit, but we’re not in constant crisis anymore. we’re still working through all of our trauma, especially the more “recent” stuff that kinda broke our system for a while until we were able to start rebuilding, but we’re doing it together. :D

so… yeah, it can start out as a stereotypical “nightmare system”, with constant infighting and toxicity and self-sabotage and etc. but we worked through it! it took a while, but we’re overall more stable than we were before. we got out of the bad environment that was fucking us up, we got mental help for our other brain hell (we havent been able to bring up the system to our therapists bc its literally a non-issue now and we focus more on other things like our depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc), we found people that support us for being us, and we were able to like… figure things out. and it was a mess! i still have issues about my own identity because of literally thinking i was someone else for two years. Ica’s still trying to figure out how to adjust to things, especially bc they missed our entire “cringe culture” phase so they came back to find that i’d dismantled a lot of their middle-school settings. and, uh, some of their friendships as well.

systems are fuckin weird

[splendidlyimperfect]

For @oceanwaves-blog, because you are lovely person and sometimes life can be rough, but we always have people who care about us.

Summary: Gray's not feeling great, so Natsu comes up with a surprise to help him feel better. Rating: General Audiences Pairings: Natsu Dragneel/Gray Fullbuster, Rogue Cheney/Sting Eucliffe Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Depression, Music, Inspired by Music, Family Feels, chosen family, sweet husbands, Best Friends, Fluff, minor hurt/comfort, Happy Ending, Gray's a bit depressed, but Natsu's a good husband

“You okay, Snowflake?”

Natsu slipped up behind Gray in the kitchen, wrapping his arms around Gray’s waist and kissing the back of his neck. Gray sighed, leaning back into the embrace and putting his hand over Natsu’s on his stomach.

“I dunno,” he said quietly, waiting for the hiss of the Keurig to stop before grabbing his coffee mug. He didn’t turn around, just ran his thumb over the back of Natsu’s hand and stared at the tiles along the counter. “Just tired.”

“You always say that when you’re sad,” Natsu murmured against Gray’s neck. He pulled Gray tighter against him and kissed behind his ear. “I love you.”

“Love you too, mon coeur,” Gray said softly. “I dunno, I’ve just been... work is stressful and stupid things are getting to me.” He rubbed his face, then took a sip of his coffee. “My shoulder’s been hurting which is dumb cause it’s been seventeen years.”

“Not dumb,” Natsu said, taking Gray’s hand and placing it on his scarred left arm. “This still hurts sometimes too.” Gray ran his fingers gently down Natsu’s forearm and across his wrist. “I’m sorry you’re feeling shitty,” Natsu added. “Anything I can do?”

“Mm.” Gray set his coffee down and turned around slowly in the circle of Natsu’s arms. Natsu gave him a soft smile and leaned in for a kiss. “Kisses are good.”

“You guys are so sweet it’s disgusting.” They both looked up to see Sylvie standing in the doorway of the kitchen, a smile on her face and her arms crossed over her chest. Gray laughed, letting go of Natsu and moving over to hug Sylvie.

“That’s new,” Natsu commented, kissing Sylvie on the cheek and pointing to the ring in her septum. “What’s your mom think?”

“She thinks you’re a bad influence,” Sylvie said, rolling her eyes and gesturing to Natsu’s own piercings. Natsu laughed, leaning back against the counter. “It’s better now that I’m in the college dorms, though. We fight less.”

“Told you,” Natsu said. “You want a coffee before we head out, or you ready to rock?”

“Already stopped at Starbucks, your frappucino is in the car.” Sylvie grinned.

“You’re my favorite niece,” Natsu said. “Don’t tell Kiya or Ada.” Then he turned and pulled Gray into another quick hug. “You gonna be okay?”

“I’ll be fine,” Gray said, kissing Natsu’s forehead. “I’ve got a bunch of work stuff I’ve gotta get through. Go have fun with your music.”

“’kay.” Natsu waited until Sylvie was back at the front door before pressing another soft kiss to Gray’s lips. “Text me if you need anything, okay? Je t’aime.”

Gray sighed, pressing his face into Natsu’s hair before letting him go. “Je t’aime aussi.”

~*~*~*~

“Why do you have Uncle Gray’s meeting notes?”

Sylvie stood in the middle of Ryos and Sting’s basement, frowning at the sheaf of papers on Natsu’s chair. There were several crumpled pages, covered with Gray’s neat handwriting and various doodles in the margins.

“’cause I have an idea,” Natsu replied, grabbing another chair. He turned it around, straddling it and crossing his arms over the back. “But I need your help.”

Sylvie raised an eyebrow and Natsu grabbed one of the pages, pointing at the doodles - they were actually lines of music that Gray had written. “I wanna learn to play this,” Natsu said, “but I can’t read music, it’s almost as bad as reading books.” He made a face. “If you play it on the piano, I can pick it up by ear, though.”

Sylvie took the music from Natsu and glanced over it. Sting appeared behind her, peeking over her shoulder and shaking his head.

“This is why I play the drums,” he muttered. “No music.”

Sylvie started humming under her breath, fingers following the hand-drawn staffs and notes that Gray had scribbled down.

“C’mere,” she said, gesturing for Natsu to grab his guitar and come sit next to the piano. She sat down and hovered her fingers over the keys, tapping out a few wrong notes before falling into a rhythm. She played the first few lines twice, then turned to Natsu, who closed his eyes and started picking it out on the guitar.

“How do you do that?” Sting asked, leaning against the piano and watching Natsu’s fingers dance over the strings as he corrected himself.

Natsu shrugged. “It just sounds right,” he said. He plucked out the melody a few more times, then nodded for Sylvie to keep going.

Half an hour and some creative flourishes later, Natsu was able to play the song from memory. He switched over to the electric guitar, fiddling with the setting on the amp before running through it again.

“I’m pretty sure this was supposed to be a classical piece,” Sylvie said, kicking her feet up on a chair and twirling a strand of purple hair around her finger. Natsu grinned at her, running through a quick series of notes and ending on a loud chord.

“It’s more fun like this,” Natsu argued, looking up at Sylvie and Sting. “Now all it needs is some drums and bass.”

~*~*~ 

Gray sighed, taking off his glasses and rubbing his eyes. The comptuer screen was making his head hurt, and part of him desperately wanted a nap. He wished Natsu were home.

As if reading his thoughts, a text popped up on his phone.

hey snowflake, hows work? u wanna come for super? ryos is maknig that pasta u like. but if u dont wanna be with ppl i can come home. love u. <3

Gray smiled, tapping his fingers against the phone screen as he contemplated the question. He glanced out the window – it was still light out, and the drive to Ryos and Sting’s place would take him along the beach. And as much as he felt like curling up under the blankets right now, spending time with friends was probably a better idea.

The sun was just setting as Gray drove along the beach, soft layers of gold and pink slowly slipping behind the curve of the park behind him. It helped calm Gray’s nerves, and by the time he got to Ryos and Sting’s place, he was already feeling better.

“Hey, you,” Ryos said as he opened the door. He examined Gray’s face, then pulled him into a hug. “Bad day?”

Gray shrugged, returning the embrace and then leaning back to kick off his shoes. He resisted the urge to repeat the usual just tired, and instead said, “sorta.”

“Well, I made linguine,” Ryos said, motioning for Gray to follow him into the kitchen. “They’ve been downstairs all afternoon, I haven’t seen them since they got here. You want something to drink?” He opened the fridge and gestured to the bottles of beer in the door.

Gray shook his head. “Not supposed to drink with the new meds,” he said, settling down at the kitchen table and fiddling with the napkin on his plate.

“Are they helping at all?” Ryos asked, grabbing the water jug from the fridge and setting it on the table.

“I dunno.” Gray shrugged. “It’s only been a week, it’s hard to tell. I still feel weird about taking them, which is dumb because Natsu’s been on meds for forever.”

“I’m sorry,” Ryos said, sitting down across from Gray. “I hope they help.”

“Me too,” Gray said softly.

The door to the basement opened and Natsu popped his head out, smiling when he saw Gray.

“Hey, handsome,” he said, moving over and kissing Gray’s head. “I knew you wouldn’t say no to pasta.”

Dinner was comfortable and familiar, and Gray felt some of the melancholy slip away as they ate and traded stories back and forth. Sylvie talked animatedly about her mechanical engineering program, and Natsu teased her about the guy she was dating.

“You still think kissing is gross?” he asked, laughing. Sylvie rolled her eyes at him, sticking out her tongue.

“You know I do,” she said, grabbing another slice of garlic toast. “And so does he.”

“Have Ur and Xavier met him yet?” Gray asked around a mouthful of salad. Sylvie shook her head.

“I was actually thinking of bringing him for brunch on Sunday,” she said. “I just hope papa doesn’t embarrass me.” When Sting raised his eyebrows at her, she elaborated. “He wore socks with sandals to Félix’s graduation last week.”

“The horror,” Ryos mumbled from behind his wine glass.

“It was atrocious,” Sylvie muttered.

~*~*~

After dinner, Natsu grabbed Gray’s hand and pulled him toward the basement.

“C’mere,” he said, “I’ve got a surprise for you.”

Gray frowned, but followed Natsu down the stairs into the practice space they’d set up. Natsu and Gray had spent a weekend helping Ryos and Sting soundproof and paint it, and they kept all of their instruments there.

“Go sit,” Natsu said, nudging Gray toward the couch. Ryos sat down as well, kicking his legs up over Gray’s lap and watching as Sting settled down behind the drums. Natsu grabbed his guitar and fiddled with the amp a bit, while Sylvie did the same with her bass.

“What song is it?” Gray asked, tipping his head back against the couch cushions.

“Surprise,” was all Natsu said. He did some quick tuning, then settled down on the stool and began to play.

Gray watched, fascinated, as Natsu’s fingers flew across the fret, dancing through a ridiculous progression of notes that ended in a loud chord. It was quickly followed by Sylvie and Sting joining in.

The song was bright, energy flowing through the notes, and Gray tapped his fingers against Ryos’ legs to the beat. They were almost thirty seconds into the song when Gray realized it was his music.

“I... wrote this,” he said softly, and Ryos raised an eyebrow at him. “H-how...”

Natsu’s eyes were closed now, and Gray knew he was playing from memory, fingers picking out each note. Natsu had described it to Gray once as colors, splashes of light that jumped out at him and dragged his fingers to the right places.

Gray’s face softened as he watched, memories surfacing of Natsu at seventeen, curled up in the corner of the youth center with his acoustic guitar, hair falling in his face while he played. He was always so gentle with his instruments, even when he was dancing riffs down the fret of the electric guitar. Gray thought of those hands on him, tracing circles on his arms, curling in his hair.

Natsu was gorgeous, and Gray was so, so lucky.

The song ended on a flourish, and Natsu bit his lip ring as he looked up at Gray while the final chord rang in the air. Gray realized his cheeks were wet and he wiped them quickly.

“Hey, don’t cry,” Natsu said softly as he set down the guitar and moved to the couch, crouching down in front of Gray and running his hands up and down Gray’s thighs. Ryos slipped out of the way, giving Gray and Natsu some space.

“You stole my notes,” Gray said softly, reaching out and brushing Natsu’s bangs out of his eyes.

“I did,” Natsu said, sliding onto the couch next to Gray. He kissed Gray’s cheek, then rested his head on Gray’s shoulder. “Did you like it?”

“Of course I did,” Gray whispered, sliding his fingers between Natsu’s and squeezing his hand tightly. “You’re amazing.” He sniffed, looking up at the other three, who were all pretending not to look. “Thank you,” he said, loud enough for Sting and Sylvie to know he was talking to them as well.

“It was fun,” Sylvie said, plopping down on Gray’s other side and snuggling up next to him. Gray sighed, leaning his head against hers and feeling an overwhelming sense of nostalgia for the little girl who used to climb into his lap and demand he read to her. “But I told Uncle Natsu it was supposed to be a classical piece.”

Gray snorted. “I don’t think he’d play classical music if you paid him,” he said, and Natsu nodded in agreement. “And it sounded good.” Hearing Natsu’s interpretation of his notes was... Gray couldn’t think of a word to describe it.

“Well, you know what that means,” Natsu said, bringing Gray’s hand to his lips and kissing it. Gray raised an eyebrow at him, and Natsu smiled. “You’re just gonna have to write more music for us.”

[wildfangz]

@liliithvatore tagged me in that simself thing thats been goin around DAYS ago but here it finally is! also thank you for the tag this was fun :-]

I tag @slythersim @thelurgoyf @seoulchii @weicyn @solitasims @daisydezem @raha-plays-the-sims if they want to do it & anyone that just wants to do it in general! message me and I’ll even @ u directly if u want. 

anyway lets DO THIS shitload of questions under the cut u’ve been warned!!!

1. what is your name?

julian

2. what is your nickname?

jewel, jules

3. birthday?

oct 26th

4. what is your favorite book series?

percy jackson and the olympians will probably always own my heart & soul

5. do you believe in aliens or ghosts?

yes & yes. tho i do think a lot of alien sightings and conspiracy theories and what not are bullshit

6. who is your favorite author?

maggie stiefvater probably? also cornelia funke but its been years since ive read anything by her so i cant be sure BUT i loved inkheart & the thief lord so much

7. what is your favorite radio station?

ummm when i listen to the radio at all i kinda just switch between two rock stations and our popular music station.

8. what is your favorite flavor of anything?

blue raspberry !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tasty and i love a blue tongue

9. what word would you use often to describe something great or wonderful?

cool. or bitchin’.  i play it simple

10. what is your current favorite song?

hands like houses - revive

11. what is your favorite word?

roulette and inhibition which i never get to use either as much as i want !

12. what was the last song you listened to?

emarosa - givin’ up ! its a bop!

13. what tv show would you recommend for everybody to watch?

the new she-ra on netflix its so good. and gay

14. what is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down?

moana. its also like the only movie i dont have trouble getting thru despite how many times ive already seen it

15. do you play video games?

16. what is your biggest fear?

idk... being inherently unlovable i guess n ending up alone? also spiders !

17. what is your best quality, in your opinion?

im fairly open-minded and laid back. Unless someones being like, purposely nasty or something I generally don’t get defensive or aggressive. also a lot of little quirks that piss others off dont bother me im very u do u as long as its not actually harming anyone and ive had people tell me this makes it easier to open up to me so thats probably my best quality....

18. what is your worst quality, in your opinion?

....at the same time though i do get very sensitive when faced w/ criticism even if its of the fair variety when its not phrased really gently for various reasons and i dont like that. especially since I have a tendency to not even talk to people about it. I’ll just immediately start distancing myself. also other than that i think overall I have a really high tolerance lvl but if you cross that line I hold a grudge like a motherfucker

9. do you like cats or dogs better?

cats! dogs are good too but cats are a lot easier for me to handle...and quieter generally but even when they’re loud cat sounds dont get to me quite as much as barks do

20. what is your favorite season?

autumn but im starting to really like summer for some reason? wack :/

21. are you in a relationship?

nope

22. what is something you miss from your childhood?

the lack of responsibility, probably. that sounds real bad lmao but for me its like...I know I’ve grown in various ways over the years but I also feel like so many of my experiences, my trauma, my mental health has held me back and I don’t think I’m mentally where I should be for my age. so all the responsibility of adulthood is just..really overwhelming for me sometimes, even though ive been given a pass from certain aspects of it and the rest is pretty simple its the idea!!!!

23. who is your best friend?

my ex

24. what is your eye color?

25. what is your hair color?

26. who is someone you love?

my mom

27. who is someone you trust?

not really anyone rn unfortunately...would like 2 work on that

28. who is someone you think about often?

are my OCs a fair answer because i am always thinking about my babies.....

29. are you currently excited about/for something?

my favorite webcomic (that also has two of my all time favorite characters in it) just came back!! the artist disappeared back in 2015 like the day after I binge-read the whole fucking thing & i was so disappointed but its BACK and 2018 has been redeemed

30. what is your biggest obsession?

sims probably! i could talk about anything relating to it for hours

31. what was your favorite tv show as a child?

there were so damn many its hard to even think and figure out the most notable ones...i really, really liked teen titans though?

32. who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone?

my ex, again

33. are you superstitious?

not terribly so but somewhat. I take certain things as signs and I mean I do believe in astrology & such to a degree

34. do you have any unusual phobias?

i used to be afraid of mirrors but thats all i can think of and its not even a thing anymore...the only other thing is tornadoes but i dont think its unusual. but it definitely sucks for me ‘cause i live in tornado alley!

35. do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it?

behind it....like taking pretty pictures and dont like ppl capturing my image 2 film

36. what is your favorite hobby?

sims.....also singing!!! and drawing!!!! video editing!!!!!!!!! the works

37. what was the last book you read?

The Dream Thieves....havent finished it though because last time i went to read it a spider was lying in wait and im traumatized

38. what was the last movie you watched?

coco i think???

39. what musical instruments do you play, if any?

drums, various other percussion instruments, and violin mainly

40. what is your favorite animal?

ferrets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

41. what are your top 5 favorite tumblr blogs that you follow?

uhhhhh @bratsims @liliithvatore @cabsim @wildlyminiaturesandwich @keysims pls dont feel bad if i didnt include u these were just the first to pop into my head and ive been following some of them since I first made my blog!! and have kept up with their stories completely and enjoy them etc check them OUT !

42. what superpower do you wish you had?

shapeshifting!!! dysphoria? gone. ugliness? gone. want to morph into a fucked up clown and scare people when they realize all the classic clown features are a real actual part of my face? possible!

43. when and where do you feel most at peace?

chillin’ at the pool in summer during the part of the day when no ones there.... swimming is always relaxing 2 me then i love just resting under the sun and drying off afterwards especially since we have a little pond nearby and i can hear the water! its nice

44. what makes you smile?

always and without fail? interacting with anyone i have a crush on. i’ll look like a dope the whole time

45. what sports do you play, if any?

i used 2 play basketball a lot. Like not seriously but it was a thing

46. what is your favorite drink?

dr pepper and monster energy (original flavor) pumps through my veins at this point. we love a carbonated beverage

47. when was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody?

two years ago for my ex and I’s first year anniversary... I never got it mailed but I did at least take a picture of it (with included caption because my handwriting is atrocious). i was very up front about being a romantic and see heres the PROOF

48. are you afraid of heights?

nope! very excited by them actually

49. what is your biggest pet peeve?

i cant stand passive aggressive behavior. my stance is either get over it or quit acting like a bitch because otherwise im just going to ignore you thats the scorpio way (in all seriousness I really, really do recommend not putting up with it and ignoring it until they decide to be up front with you. it can be exhausting constantly reading into conversations and its not healthy for you or them. if they have something to say they need to learn to talk about it properly, and that lack of social skills is not ever on you)

50. have you ever been to a concert?

yep! i think about....six or so? i love them...which is really funny im autistic and EVERYTHING about them should freak me out and they do in other circumstances but at a show i just live for it

51. are you vegan/vegetarian?

nope! ive thought before id like to go vegetarian...but i couldnt do it with my health problems. also i love shrimp too much

52. when you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?

ive always wanted to do something creative! when i was rlly young I thought a lot about singing and acting and writing in particular...all things im still interested in.... also i wanted to be a dictator ages 4-7 because i told my mom i wanted to be president of the world and make people do what i say and she said “honey thats a dictator not a president”. i then made that known at school and that turned into a situation!

53. what fictional world would you like to live in?

pokemon universe or bust. 

54. what is something you worry about?

never being able to do things i want to do or catching up with others because of my disabilities

55. are you scared of the dark?

yes but a reasonable amount i think

56. do you like to sing?

yes :]

57. have you ever skipped school?

yes i used to play sick a LOT and as my parents caught onto it id even go all out to convince them. i was good at school but i hated it so much

58. what is your favorite place on the planet?

dunno! malls maybe i love shopping and looking at material objects i wish to own

59. where would you like to live?

oregon! portland in particular thats been my dream for a few years now

60. do you have any pets?

a cat! he lives with my dad & grandma though...hes grown up there and likes going outside so I felt bad about taking him with me when i moved out but anyway this is him hes fat and stupid and i love him his name is coffee

61. are you more of an early bird or a night owl?

night owl because my rhythm is all fucked up but in my heart....an early bird...if i get a good nights sleep i’ll be up early yacking your ear off and so excited for the day

62. do you like sunrises or sunsets better?

sunsets are prettier...but sunrises feel more refreshing

63. do you know how to drive?

nope ! im gay !

64. do you prefer earbuds or headphones?

headphones. better sound quality also discourages people from talking to me slightly more

65. have you ever had braces?

nope! but i need them

66. what is your favorite genre of music?

post-hardcore maybe?

67. who is your hero?

every trans person living their truth and being open and loud about who they are past present & future. the worlds not particularly kind to us and our existence alone is considered a radical act, so its always given me hope to see others refusing to pretend to be someone they’re not in this environment and I’ll always have mad respect for that

68. do you read comic books?

i read manga and webcomics...ive always wanted to get into superhero comics but the amount of issues and different versions is ridiculous and makes it inaccessible 2 me 

69. what makes you the most angry?

i mean its hard to pinpoint what makes me angry the MOST...but a contender is definitely how some people feel free to treat others with cruelty and think its their god given right to deny or attack someones existence in some way, & how acts of kindness, even the most basic are branded as liberal bullshit or whatever....it goes against everything i was taught growing up

70. do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book?

real book! electronic device can be easier but....rough on the eyes after a while and nothing beats the real thing for me

71. what was your favorite subject in school?

language arts...at least when we did creative writing stuff

72. do you have any siblings?

two older sisters & an older brother that passed away years ago but. still my brother u kno

73. what was the last thing you bought?

mocha frappe baby!!!!!

74. how tall are you?

5′4″

75. can you cook?

a little bit....not as much as id like to though but im learning

76. what are three things that you love?

storms, cheesy breadsticks, and cat purrs

77. what are three things that you hate?

unnecessary rudeness, being talked down to or generally treated like im stupid, grapefruit which is the worst thing on this list

78. do you have more female friends or more male friends?

female i think?

79. what is your sexual orientation?

im the big bad promiscuous bisexual your parents warned you about

80. where do you currently live?

oklahoma. gofundme campaign to get me out

81. who was the last person you texted?

my friend jojo! just Now!

82. when was the last time you cried?

yesterday afternoon but im a changed man now thats behind me. i will cry about different things soon

83. who is your favorite youtuber?

the mcelroy brothers. also super best friends play. matt, pat & woolie are all great tbh

84. do you like to take selfies?

depends on whether i feel ugly or terribly dysphoric that day or not

85. what is your favorite app?

ummmm....love live school idol festival ive been playin for years its an addiction

86. what is your relationship with your parent(s) like?

dad = bad mom = okay. theres some issues that strain it but its not too bad

87. what is your favorite foreign accent?

i have no idea what the fuck australians are talking about half the time but i dig it anyway 

88. what is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit?

Italy, Greece, Germany, Japan, Mexico, various other states (ive only been out of state three times. twice to texas and then once to kansas. for five minutes)

89. what is your favorite number?

6!! 26 also

90. can you juggle?

ive always wanted to but alas.... :-[

91. are you religious?

i suppose...but im rlly not into organized religion

92. do you find outer space of the deep ocean to be more interesting?

space probably theres so fucking much of it man!

93. do you consider yourself to be a daredevil?

not to brag but sometimes i eat my mcdonalds hamburgers cold from the fridge so you can figure that one out yourself B)

94. are you allergic to anything?

pecans. not deathly allergic though so catch me eating turtle pie anyway! 

95. can you curl your tongue?

nope :[

96. can you wiggle your ears?

nope :[

97. how often do you admit that you were wrong about something?

usually as soon as i realize....unless someones being real smug and annoying then i might be stubborn about it

98. do you prefer the forest or the beach?

ive never been to the beach but i love her!!!

99. what is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you?

probably that you have to look at your accomplishments differently when you’re disabled or just struggling, to not be so down on yourself because its a fact that what might be a mole hill to someone else is a mountain to you and you have to judge yourself accordingly. Like maybe you weren’t able to clean the whole house, but washing the dishes and tidying your desk doesn’t usually get done but you did it. That that should be celebrated because while it would also feel good if you did more, you still did something and thats great all things considered.

100. are you a good liar?

sometimes, really depends what im lying about and if im like....into it at all. If my guts against it for whatever reason I’ll have trouble

101. what is your hogwarts house?

i always get slytherin or hufflepuff! usually with like 1 point difference

102. do you talk to yourself?

i am talking to myself right now as i fill this out

103. are you an introvert or an extrovert?

extrovert mainly! i used to think i was more introverted but now i think a lot of exhaustion when theres any comes from me just going the extra mile and actively trying to read people and pick up on social ques.... if I just chill im fine

104. do you keep a journal/diary?

nope...ive tried but i just cant keep up with it so i do the next best thing. shouting into the void on the internet to a bunch of strangers

105. do you believe in second chances?

depends on what you did the first time. Some people just don’t deserve taking that risk imo...but i can be a little guarded so maybe thats a bit too harsh

106. if you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do?

turn it in, unless there was no identifying things in it & it was found somewhere kinda random. Then I’d maybe hold onto it unless my gut challenged that

107. do you believe that people are capable of change?

absolutely. i mean thats all we do throughout our lives is change and evolve...that being said I think extremely drastic changes are maybe not entirely impossible, but extremely rare, and the residue of the former self usually sticks around in some form

108. are you ticklish?

yes, dangerously so

109. have you ever been on a plane?

nope

110. do you have any piercings?

one day hopefully!

111. what fictional character do you wish was real?

asra from the arcana.....even if he wasn’t my boyfriend thats just a dude u could chill and eat some pomegranates with u know. Before I downloaded the app my friends kept telling me he was made for me and he really was he ticks like everything on my Favorite Characters Feature List except villain but he has that particular allure & attitude i like so much in villains so thats not a single point off hes perfect

112. do you have any tattoos?

nope...one day! hopefully!

113. what is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far?

accepting my genderqueerness and bisexuality definitely. Self Love hasn’t been perfected just yet but that was such a huge step in the right direction

114. do you believe in karma?

yes! she doesn’t get shit done as much as id like however

115. do you wear glasses or contacts?

glasses. not contacts yet because my eye doctor is a bitch

116. do you want children?

I do....just not sure if id be a good parent. Its really important to me if I had a child itd be for the right reason and I could raise them well in a healthy environment & be able to take care of all their needs yknow

117. who is the smartest person you know?

probably my friend jojo

118. what is your most embarrassing memory?

one time i looked outside and the sunset was really pretty and i wanted to get a photo of it so i walked out.....and stood like right by the street so there weren’t trees in my way...and then i realized mid-pic 1) i am not wearing pants & my shirt is full of holes 2) id been depressed for days so my hair was a tangled mess. I tailed it back inside so i didnt even get a nice pic it was blurry!

119. have you ever pulled an all-nighter?

120. what colour are most of you clothes?

black i didnt even have to think about that one

121. do you like adventures?

they are pretty swell

122. have you ever been on tv?

a few times when i was little. always photobombing the news reporters 4 what i thought would eventually lead 2 fame & fortune

123. how old are you?

21

124. what is your favorite movie quote?

this is technically lyrics to that lil song in moana at the end but

“ They have stolen the heart from inside you. But this does not define you.”

hits me hard every time! emotional impact? i know her

125. sweet or savory?

sweet!!!!!!!! gotta balance out my bitter somehow