#dont look at me i have objects in my brain | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

actualbird · 21 hours ago

Text

my anxiety bipolar (idk which one of them is to blame for this) brain does this horrible little thing where out of nowhere it will give me the MOST VIVID HORRIFIC visions and thoughts of terrible occurrences like my family dying while on the way to school or my cat swallowing a fishbone and rupturing his intestines or a sudden flashback to a terrible time i had in the past and it's immensely annoying especially when it happens at 9:52am when i am Working at my Job and i do not have the time to have a breakdown. but thankfully i have a foolproof way to deal with this: any time i am having a bad thought, i channel the voice of a condescending middle aged woman at a family gathering and use that voice to tell myself "dont think about such horrible things" and it like. works. all the bad thoughts pushed back into the brain closet. and theyll stay there until the next time they decide to creep out and haunt me but jokes on them, i have a MENTAL KAREN on my side. unstoppable force meets immovable object. thank god i dont have a therapist right now because if i explained this to one i fear i'd look well and truly insane

#dootdootdoot #like yeah i am often debilitated by the Nightmarish Visions but #The Mental Karen helps

20 notes · View notes

cent-scratchnsniff · 6 days ago

Text

I'm leaking.

#lobotomy corporation #lobcorp #yesod #yesod lobcorp #elijah carmy n gio are there too but barely visible fue to lighting im not tagging them #lobotomy corp spoilers #lobcorp spoilers #meltdown 💥💥🔥 god this one had me struggle so hard to do it. its sloppy w shadding and there are errors. tis fine. im noy fixing #three days total? one for sketch and notes other for line art of bodies last for objects and coloring. hurt. yowch . anyways talking abt it #yesods meltdown form looks so slimey. like saliva. expunged from the form after he had gotten so sick to the point of having bile rise #keeping it short bc my brain is fried (short by my standards). wanted to have him crawling out or being dragged into the middle. strangled #and bound by the material wrapping the body. the uhh key which is barely visible. wanted to have the floor melting from l corps to the old #lab in the outskirts. bullet holes that are also barelt visible (sorry for u james being gun down sounds like ass). expunging/censoring of #information that spurred the meltdown. obvious corpses but also the death of carmen and having to use and build upon the hurt and body of #another for the sake of progress and continuing to get results paired w elijahs which further helped to spur upon the obsession with rules #and his decent paired w the human experimentation (more hurt of another for comfort of another) on giovanni. wanted to have him look not #fully there? yesod that is. plus gabriel. despondent seems far more scary that vivid emotions especially for someone like him #uhh wanted elijah's arm and hand to not be there but the sleeve to be therrle bevauseshe desolved and the sort. didnt end up adding the #blood and other liquids upin her sleeve though. not fixing allat #right obligatory examination table reference. mash up of everything that isnt cohesive but more of a mush of all the bad no good #also a feeling of isolation? dont know if i got that right just checked my notes. the only thing i can say that got it was the soul point #in the middle along with the fact the rest are either covered facing away or further down #... yeah im not going to claim it all was intentional for that part it wasnt done very well #angela carmen piece time. it is significantly more simple...

42 notes · View notes

crescentfool · 10 months ago

Text

having the hc that minato is ace is incredibly funny sometimes when you think about how ryoji is oh so very bi because it's like. "ah. death stole my ability to be attracted to people," in the same way that ryoji stole minato's eye color and energy level. like wow, thanks ryoji, you just keep finding things to steal from minato!

#persona 3 spoilers #minato arisato #hc and au nonsense #lizzy speaks #happy international asexuality day to my fellow aces out there i hope you know that you are loved!!! 🎊🎉🥳#i like viewing minato with the lens of him being gay / ace. esp bc it stems from my own experiences so it's fun to look at-#him from that perspective even if that's not what was intended by atlus y'know?#and im sure others have other hcs from me that are informed by their own life experiences and i think that's great ^_^#something that i found interesting while playing FES was how. stilted? minato's animations felt when hugging the girls #you could definitely go with the perspective that it's a graphical limitation or they didn't have time to polish the animations #and that's def true!! but sometimes i see the hug @ yakushima beach + the other hugs and then i compare it to the sou/yo hug in p4 #and there's like... a noticeable difference to me with how intimate and close together the hugs are...#that said i do know that the animations for reload are updated and the hugs are much more natural (good on them tbh!)#the other thing is (pensive sigh). the way you couldn't reject any of the girls when doing their social links in FES #objectively speaking i'm glad that they did away with that and i like how the rejections were handled in reload. it feels naturally written #but also a part of me enjoyed looking at the “hey atlus what the FUCK” moment and thought of how to interpret it differently #specifically with the idea of minato having like.. little to no autonomy and kind of going along with the relationship #it kind of reminded me of myself tbh with like going along with the rship without considering what you want bc #it's what others want or expect out of you... LOL. i dont think atlus intended for someone to interpret it this way but #eh i think that's the fun part of hcs and looking at characters with certain lenses!#regardless of how you perceive minato i do think there's something to be said about him being the kind of guy who molds himself-#into someone that is needed. not wanted. but needed. important distinction here.#the one caveat my brain runs into when im like “minato is ace!” is when i remember thanatos exists and i go #“you know what these ideas can exist simultaneously” GKLHFHDFHD when in doubt schrodinger's headcanons #anyway that's all i've had this thought in my brain in awhile and haven't sat down to share it properly until now 👍#have an excellent weekend everyone !!! lizzy loves you all lets all nurture our inner yippee!!! 🥺💙

56 notes · View notes

vice-like · 4 days ago

Text

these results WILL surprise you

i'm happy to announce that the vast majority of you got this WRONG, while 4 of you got it right: yes, the right answer was NONE, these are both baby matoba!!

the left one is from this panel (left) in world unbent and the right one is from this panel (right) in hand extended

#natsume yuujinchou #anyways my objective with this was 1. to have a little fun #and 2. to see if a silly little joke i cooked up in my brain had any basis #hehe anyways #even tho baby matoba can be tanuma's spitting image sometimes #i only compared tiny tanumas and matobas so idk if this actually has any meaning lol #tho from comparing them i noticed that teen matoba has a smaller face and longer lashes in comparison to tanuma #tho it's hard to see that when they're tiny like this (tho you can kinda see the long lashes on the left one)#also i did compare current timeline matoba and tanuma #but besides the longer black hair (that is already so distinct in this sea of light haired ppl lol) they dont look that much alike #but i did notice that midorikawa has been drawing matoba with longer lashes in recent chapters #and even tho they're not as long as natsume's they're just as long as shinobu's #so (excluding the color) they have like the same eyes especially the narrowed snake-like format #no wonder matoba and shinobu can look so alike in some panels #tho shinobu is that much more expressive so we see her eyes being more than just narrowed lol #also also another thing i noticed #is that present matoba has a smaller face in comparison to natori and other adult male characters most of the time #tho it's not frequent enough for me to be sure that it's an actual character design trait (scratches head)#anyways #i managed to actually fool majority of you!!!#an actual win in my book #also ignore my vote i just wanted to see results bf the poll was over at some point lol

9 notes · View notes

corvidaedream · 1 month ago

Text

man, the brain of a 16-year-old is so fucked up. like yeah i was a mentally ill 16-year-old, but i'm a mentally ill adult now and it is so not the same thing. i truly feel like adolescence is a nightmare tunnel they put me in and when it spit me out the other side i was suddenly like. oh, i have like 100 less problems now. being alive is so much more manageable. 90% of crises in my life are from external sources like finances and health scares, as opposed to being 16 when 90% of crises were things like "im secretly evil" and "what if all my friends hate me" and "if a stranger looks at me funny i will drop dead on the spot and i have to go throw up about this hypothetical"

#messages from the ouija board #literally shes like another person to me like i remember being her but god i cannot relate. her life was so stressful for no reason.#like real stressful things were happening but they made up maybe 30% of the stress i was experiencing #i also think public school is designed in ways that are psychologically bad for you. i felt some old dread showing up while substituting #but yeah my mom used to say 'aw kiddo why is life so hard for you' real sympathetically when i would have my regular mental breakdown #and looking back im like. shit. life really was hard for me and i dont know why. my material conditions now are objectively Worse #but you could not pay me to go back to high school and live in that brain again holy shit

10 notes · View notes

b4kuch1n · 10 months ago

Text

tdov was like a week ago already but I just wanna say when I came over to vacation slash help my sworn brother move flat he told me, "ever since you said you wanted to get top surgery I've been thinking about it. it's straight up number two on my bucket list"

#bakuspeech #number one is a house bc obviously. if u can own a house wouldnt u #he was very drunk at that time of the evening. I was not bc I have the constitution of a hot air balloon and any stimulant will blow me up #(relatively new development. france fucked me up big time turns out)#we held hand on his bed for like the whole evening. it was honestly very funny in hindsight but we were extremely earnest in the moment #and Im like. working on this thing as well. I dont got meds or therapy lmao Im bootstrappin here #but yeah early last year his bf offered to get me meds and I... turned it down... I think I was worried abt like. idk. something #but one year past looking back Im fully like that was a stupid move you shouldve gotten meds. youve once again fucked urself baku #but yeah with that kinda realization Ive also come to realized I've somewhat? accepted. that I'm just gonna be. like this #this in light of a number of likely chronic stuff too (hence my balloon-like constitution lmao) and #that's kinda bled into the rest of me without me really noticing #but him bringing that up fully unprompted... kinda jolted me out of it #its just. really incredibly sweet. that someone doesn't want me to settle for what I make do with #and like. preps for that work. just kinda held my hand and told me it's possible to do this actually #I didn't really express how I felt very well in that moment I think my brain is very bad and I process emotions with like a day of delay #but. well. Im thinking abt it Right Now. so yknow thats the kind of impact that had on me lol #not super sure why I wrote all this down here really. I think I just want a good n nice reminder that object permanence is real #and I exist in my friends' life even when Im going insane in a hole by myself #and with the power of friendship we can alter the universe's plan for ourselves and also kill god #that's that. anyways I eat lunch now and then pass out probably. last night was... eventful lmao #but!! very good things on the horizon hopefully. well manifestly we hold hammers and we use them #have a good day lads. let's go out and slay monsters under a highway

23 notes · View notes

dykedvonte · 10 months ago

Text

Discussing the NCR (Fallouts NV's Military Industrial Complex)

Fallout regularly discusses the idea of the military, its faults, its strengths, and most importantly, the psycho-social aspects of it regarding those who are members. We have seen a direct critique of the military generalized through the Enclave's overt nationalism, the hoarding of resources and indoctrination through the Brotherhood of Steel, and an almost eerily modern critique of the whole military-industrial complex through the NCR in New Vegas. In these series of posts, I will be focusing primarily if not exclusively on the last one.

The NCR we see in the game is strictly the military side of things and the depiction of active occupation during a time of eminent war, conflicting factions, and resource scarcity. It is in this we are missing a major factor that negatively affects the view of the NCR in the game and out: Civilian life along with citizen opinion on the military. While we do get Mojave civilian opinion on the military (often neutral or negative) we do not get those who are New California Republic citizens, not those who actually discuss the military more so not understanding the importance of the occupation and the President's choices.

We do not see how life is regularly lived by the average citizen as we have not seen New California in New Vegas, though, we get words and glimpses that the people are relatively content in the growing country minus the fact many people are not happy with the choice of encroaching on the Mojave. This most similarly reflects it's real-world application that many civilian citizens reject acquisition and war due to the economic effects it has on the country and the general violence/loss associated.

In this, we come to an issue of losing a perspective that is unique to the NCR as a military representative. The Brotherhood is notably a place where its active members are intertwined with its efforts, the young are raised to be scribes, paladins, etc... To where even if one is not fighting for The Brotherhood, they are still intertwined, it's propaganda is the life. The Enclave is even more cut n' dry in that it is mostly made up of government representatives. It is a group even smaller than the former, even more selective and intertwined that their propaganda IS a form of Eugenics. The NCR is unique in that there is a clear distinction between what is the military force, the civilian population, and the choice if one wants to be a part of the former.

There is a distinct difference in the cultures of the factions you are born into and those you must enlist or join (forcibly for some). While this is a long-winded way to get into the actual discussion I want to facilitate throughout these posts I wanted an initial background post to understand the aspects I am and am not exploring and explaining along with a hub post to link everything I intend to discuss in the coming days and weeks, starting with:

Why Do People Join the NCR?

...which will be discussed and linked back here like everything else regarding to this topic.

Links: TBA

#fallout #fallout new vegas #new california republic #these will be longer posts so be warned #prepare to be sick of me #you thought i could yap before #should pin this but Im just gonna link it in the pinned post to be concise and since this isnt just a fallout blog I just am just obsessed #plus I dont want it to be centered focus while im only half way through with the first word doc #the three posts are just the beginning on my disection of the NCR and how the MIC is shown through it cuase #like pls its so much more nuanced with the specific ways each character in the faction interacts #at least the ones you can talk to and have options for like i know so many people do independent route but its so intriguing and you get ho #the military takes advantage of people but also how the individuals try or believe they fight for a good cause cause of all the brain washi #like some perpetuate and others dont but its a system that just gets worse the higher you go like grrrrr #a take cant be nuanced if you refuse to look or discuss the reasonings of another side or generalize their arguement through a personal len #like you need to be objective at points cause while you may feel a way in an analysis the context explains why in canon they feel a way #a retrospective on tumblr??? shocker #was gonna make this one giant mega post but it wouldve been cluttered and i wanna space them out cause its a lot to work on in one sitting #and what if I want to be silly in between???

12 notes · View notes

oozeandgoo-art · 8 months ago

Text

everyone is sooo in love with vakori on account of le is so cool and smart and deeply pragmatic and is also completely batshit insane

#oc #monochrome #sketch #velan #vakori #rocaim #rocaim and vakori are rex and taz and adder and silas's parents #adder and silas get their looks from vakori; rex and taz to a slightly lesser degree get it from rocaim #rex specifically is like a sharper clone of him. fucks velan up all the time because their personalities are completely totally different #rocaim was very like. gentle and understanding. good with kids and well-liked by basically everyone. a very effective mediator #rex is obviously none of those things lmao. every time he says something particularly insensitive it surprises her for like six years runni #anyway rocaim is in love wtih vakori. velan is in love with vakori. vakori is aro as they come but insanely pragmatic #like. ok le's based loosely off my ex. like. so le's SCARY pragmatic. so fucking cool about it everyone with a brain is specifically like #'woag oh my god le's so pragmatic im in love with her'. anyway eventually le's like 'hi rocaim. here are the objective reasons that i think #that if we got married it would mean i had better standing and more power in the organization we're both committed to. would you be #opposed to possibly getting married with me on the grounds that it would get me respect and power' and rocaim. who is already head over #heels for ler specifically because le makes these kinds of decisions and sees with this kind of logic is like. Absolutely. 100%#then for the next four years of their formal engagement people keep taking rocaim aside and being like hey... i have bad news...#...that leya you're engaged to... le's not romantically interested in you the same way you're romantically interested in ler... le only #wants you because you're an Ath and le wants a voice in the interclan meetsings... and then when Rocaim is like yeah i know #thats why i want to marry ler isnt that like the sexiest fucking reasoning you've EVER heard. no one gets it but velan #who is also in love with ler for the same reasons but has no such claims to power #and who also is not equipped for a polycule nor willing to try to go behind rocaim's back because unfortunately for her. she is also in lov #with rocaim. me when im in love with my friend and my friend's wife and also i'm pretty sure they both reciprocate but they're both #married and i dont really know what to do about it and also all three of us are very Traditional and that is not the Tradition:#and then they both die and she never quite deals with that.#but she DOES get to raise their (surviving) kids :) most of whom are fucking nightmares #life is so difficult for velan. like actually #closerverse #cv

6 notes · View notes

apologetic-artist · 3 months ago

Text

Okay, random headcannon and lore tid bit for the people on my space ship:

Tony is afraid of dinosaurs. One of the biggest reasons behind this is that when the "experiments" were happening, he accidentally traveled way too far back in time and witnessed a T-Rex in person, towering over him. It took her a bit to figure out how the whole time travel thing worked and swore she'd never step foot into the Cretaceous, or any time with dinosaurs, again. It's a shame Colin is a dino nerd(in my cannon), huh?

So this means Tony probably has a deathly fear of Barney the Dinosaur(this is for the funnies, but it makes sense, trust)

Also, I'm making a dinosaur oc, so I fear Tony's gotta figure out how to deal with those creatures again.

#before you ask im not really sure what the “experiments” are in the first place #all i know is that all the teachers were human at some point before becoming these humanized objects #i kinda wanna bombard my blog with random bits of information from my au due to the point i have no idea how to start a fanfic :[#thats fine tho #if i look back in my blog i can look back at the stuff ive said to see what ive kept and what ive ret-coned(i think thats how you spell it)#i like to think that at movie night when they watch any dinosaur related movies tony has to sit out #ill figure out something to help with her fear #maybe I'll have him eat dino nuggets or something as a way to “destroy” the dinosaurs #i dont know man i like dinosaurs and i think this makes sense in my mind #dhmis #dont hug me im scared #dont hug me im scared au #dhmis au #dhmis tony #dhmis tony the clock #dhmis tony the talking clock #tony the talking clock #dhmis clock #dhmis headcanons #I'll come up with a name for my au soon #i was thinking of just the “apologetic” au mainly because my name on here but it kinda makes sense when i get a chance to talk about all my #-built up lore so far #apologetically rambling #shout out to my brain at night coming up for this headcannon as well as my lore and other headcannons

4 notes · View notes

aroace-poly-show · 10 months ago

Note

BTW I'm sorry if this is not OK but. Would it be OK for you to add your pronouns to your pinned post? Or bio? Bc iirc you're going by he/it but keep worrying if it changed or if I'm misremembering something and I don't want to accidentally mess up

listen i would but i have like. really irrational paranoia abt it fbwkdnaknsqk if you ever can’t remember they/them is fine for me!!! it’s not like. my favorite. but it’s perfectly fine he/it is just what i prefer a bit more :] sorry!!

#like in my brain i have to prepare for When my parents find out abt my tumblr and look through it #it’s not an If in my brain it’s a When. and so i already do a lot of stuff as damage control?? so when it is found. like the Bad Stuff isn’#easy to find #and like while i’ve been outed before. given that i use it/it’s as well now which is like a “weird” pronoun to a lot of people #and i dont. want my mom talking to me about. how i “want to be referred to as an object or not human�� or something.#i would add tjem but i had a paranoia fit a while ago and i took them out of the main pinned and i’ve been too scared to add tjem back fken #like in theory it’s. Fine. it’s not like it’d make it that much worse. but paranoia doesn’t like to listen to logic kfnwkdnwks #i’m just rambling in tags now cosbidnwkdkak

6 notes · View notes

opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year ago

Text

...

#what does one do when their perception cannot b trusted? im so physically and emotionally exhausted #and i can go from feeling hopelessly terminally bad to completely normal for no apparent reason. and on occasion i can go from normal to i #think i can stay up all night. i never have to sleep again. look how great i can focus. i could kill god.#and i have no emotional object permanence so it feels so stupid when im normal. i cant sympathize with myself in altered states of mind #and it doesnt matter but it makes me crazy the idea that i might not b bip0lar but i just push myself so far that under pressure my mind #splits into the catastrophically positive or negative. but i feel like this is how i have to live. i have to b perfect or pay a blood debt #and thats just how it is. and thats how its been. so at this point ive spend thr last idk 15 years of my life being d #some measure of miserable for no reason. i dont kno y i do this to myself and im 26 now and idk how to stop bc even pushing myself as hard #as i can im so far behind. how am i supposed to do less and not #and not just quit. im compulsive for a reason. there's a fundamental barrier between myself and understanding language but if i do more and #more and more then i can at least try to keep up with everyone else. idk im so tired. and im 26 and im afraid im stuck like this #and i cant even... its like ive split my head in 2 to cope. ive created distance within myself so that i cant fully feel how terrible i make #things for myself. half my brain is always like lol suffer idiot. it throws off my therapists bc i cant take my own pain seriously. ill #laugh and smile while im like yea i feel horrible like most of the time and i dont kno what to do lol. idk so it goes. i think im gonna stop #with the birth control tho. as it doesnt seem to help with my sadness levels. idk if ite making ot worse or not. guess well find out #itll b easier once i dont have to b trained on things. then i wont have to ask a question and burst into tears on my lab mate 🙄#unrelated

5 notes · View notes

meganiumgender · 2 years ago

Text

Auggh

#idk why im struggling so much lately #objectively things are good and i should be good #but im really really not #and its making symptoms like defiance and hostility so much worse and im sure im being a pain to everyone #and add that on to me making a bunch of mistakes bc im brain fogged and im just the fucking worst rn #because im fucking up and i know im fucking up but the second someone points out im fucking up i get hostile and like #its my fault!!! i know it is!!!#and im fucking humiliated!!! i feel like a petulant child all the time #and i keep comparing myself now to my past self and like. just looking at how hard ive crumbled since being out of school and stuff #i dont want to have peaked in college but it really feels like its all been downhill since 🙃🙃🙃

3 notes · View notes

f1owermoon · 2 months ago

Text

about to go on a rant so bear w me

#i just cannot seem to be okay for more than a few days at a time. my brain won't give me a break #every time someone says or does something sweet to me im like wow i can't believe there's actually people out there who enjoy my company???#hanging out with me and talking to me and having me in their life????? like it baffles me #cause in my mind im the ugliest most unlovable creature that has ever stepped foot on this planet #and no matter how much i try to think about it objectively cause like. yk people tell me that im sweet and kind and funny and its like well #why wouldnt they wanna be around me then right????? but my brain's like NOPE none of that is true actually!!!!#also it literally doesn't help that i tend to get extremely insecure abt the way i look #cause also sometimes in my mind its like well who would even wanna love someone who looks like that yk #and no matter how much i try i dont think im the type of person most people would go for in terms of looks yk???#cause like im not conventionally pretty in many ways and i'll never be and that kinda sucks #and there's definitely a part of me that's convinced that no one will ever love me unless im beautiful so. yeah. that's where we're at rn #basically i dont feel like im worthy of love as much as i crave it and also i dont think i'll ever be satisfied with who i am #i just always feel like there's something missing and i dont even know what it is. sigh #raquel speaks

0 notes

hiddenintheveil · 3 months ago

Text

.

1 note · View note

em-b-sides · 7 months ago

Text

Chat. Maybe I need to be more masc. Idk.

#i like feminine things but i like them as like a man wearing makeup or jewelry yk. if that makes sense.#its hard at work bc i have like a uniform so i cant stretch around with how i look #ill feel really good about my eyeshadow and then ill get called ma'am or miss one too many times and i hate it.#maybe i should ask if i can get a pronoun pin or something. it will increase the chance of hatecrimes but maybe itll do something.#i dont wanna stop with the makeup and stuff bc i do like it #also not gonna cut my hair im gonna keep it exactly as is until it stops looking good.#i did start wearing pride bracelets i have to see if that might do anything #an old man noticed them and gave me the lead paint stare it was kinda funny in a way but i was so prepared for some ass comment #anyways i also had this thing happen in my brain where im like. conflicted. i want to look good but i do not want to be seen as an object.#there is a certain sexualization with trans people that i want to avoid. i am not an object.#its okay to just be pretty if that makes sense.#summary is. dressing for myself? very poggers.

1 note · View note

katvazamo · 10 months ago

Text

i feel like im beating a dead horse so dont have to reblog just wanna get this off my chest i just realized that the watcher streaming service was the same price as a netflix account here . netflix has such a variety of content ranging from different languages and genres . the watcher streaming service was like if netflix only kept their originals (strange things,oitnb) and removed everything else. that comparison really puts things into perspective

#i still dont understand how they came to that conclusion #charlies video was a good one on this matter inside info plus not sensational or anything #but i guess we will never find details about this which im fine with cause the backtrack was all we need tbh but still would leave the strea #ming platform redundant cause they !!!!! have !!!!!!! a !!!!!! patreon !!!!!!!!!#also by looks of it not ‘struggling artists’ at thag #im going to be honest this also titters into sabotage the way this was done #bcs although there are so many fans that support which (so am i i just need more time 😤) but this experience has soured many of our thoughts #like they were planning on doing this the change happened because we voiced complaints #i just cant understand in their pov why this wouldve made more sense especially comsidering the giant leap they took #again this is me harping on the same object but i cant get it out of my head #like they were super super marketable tho ! they were not getting bottom of the barrel ads and sponsors like other channels with betting ads #i just thats my thing …….. i understand totally that youtube is sorta dead and you need to expand out but i don’t understand this approach #at all #i do love the boys maybe in a few konths ill be able to get back into their content again this controversy isnt because they are bad people #just a peculiar business decision that lots of people are racking their brains on #thank you for coming to my ted talk #*

0 notes