#a retrospective on tumblr??? shocker

[dykedvonte]

Discussing the NCR (Fallouts NV's Military Industrial Complex)

Fallout regularly discusses the idea of the military, its faults, its strengths, and most importantly, the psycho-social aspects of it regarding those who are members. We have seen a direct critique of the military generalized through the Enclave's overt nationalism, the hoarding of resources and indoctrination through the Brotherhood of Steel, and an almost eerily modern critique of the whole military-industrial complex through the NCR in New Vegas. In these series of posts, I will be focusing primarily if not exclusively on the last one.

The NCR we see in the game is strictly the military side of things and the depiction of active occupation during a time of eminent war, conflicting factions, and resource scarcity. It is in this we are missing a major factor that negatively affects the view of the NCR in the game and out: Civilian life along with citizen opinion on the military. While we do get Mojave civilian opinion on the military (often neutral or negative) we do not get those who are New California Republic citizens, not those who actually discuss the military more so not understanding the importance of the occupation and the President's choices.

We do not see how life is regularly lived by the average citizen as we have not seen New California in New Vegas, though, we get words and glimpses that the people are relatively content in the growing country minus the fact many people are not happy with the choice of encroaching on the Mojave. This most similarly reflects it's real-world application that many civilian citizens reject acquisition and war due to the economic effects it has on the country and the general violence/loss associated.

In this, we come to an issue of losing a perspective that is unique to the NCR as a military representative. The Brotherhood is notably a place where its active members are intertwined with its efforts, the young are raised to be scribes, paladins, etc... To where even if one is not fighting for The Brotherhood, they are still intertwined, it's propaganda is the life. The Enclave is even more cut n' dry in that it is mostly made up of government representatives. It is a group even smaller than the former, even more selective and intertwined that their propaganda IS a form of Eugenics. The NCR is unique in that there is a clear distinction between what is the military force, the civilian population, and the choice if one wants to be a part of the former.

There is a distinct difference in the cultures of the factions you are born into and those you must enlist or join (forcibly for some). While this is a long-winded way to get into the actual discussion I want to facilitate throughout these posts I wanted an initial background post to understand the aspects I am and am not exploring and explaining along with a hub post to link everything I intend to discuss in the coming days and weeks, starting with:

Why Do People Join the NCR?

...which will be discussed and linked back here like everything else regarding to this topic.

Links: TBA

[grapecaseschoices]

#or there's not much to work with or the writers failed or w/e bullshit excuse they come up with for not engaging w women who aren't their oc#& then they turn around and give an irrelevant male NPC a whole personality and backstory!!!!!#if you do this regularly you're a misogynist. sorry not sorry (@/lelianasbong)

some people would say "this work of fiction just has the guys better written than the women" and will cite something like this as the example

[nurgletwh]

Hey all! You’re about to see why this got so delayed when Tumblr ate my post. >.<

Remember how I’ve previously stated “I disappeared because I had issues, but no worries!”?

Yeah.

Not so much this time. Which has only sunk in with retrospect and time. (@grumpyoldsnake is gonna be “I told you so!!!)

It still doesn’t really feel that way, because the human mind is stupendous at deemphasizing how much danger you might really be in/were in.

Some of this might be covering ground I’ve already covered here or elsewhere. However, I think having it all in one place and all sequenced together will not only help me keep things straight but give it all perspective.

With that out of the way, let’s see if I can not only keep this all the fuck straight but remember what ground I need to cover. I’m putting the rest under a cut for a couple of reasons. It’s long, and it may be triggering for some people. Please let me know if I’ve missed a tag I should have added.

October 2023

I went back to the Dr. to get my medications adjusted, as my blood sugar had gone back up. (Side note: I hadn’t been properly and regularly testing my blood sugar. I was exhausted and sleeping what felt like all the time with no energy to do much of anything at all.) For whatever reason, my blood pressure comes back rather shockingly high (164/108!!), not in line with what it’s been at all. I comment that I’ve never seen it that high, and the nurse says to have the doctor check it after I’ve been there a while.

It doesn’t happen because I’m forgetful.

My cholesterol also comes back high, but that’s been creeping up for years, so no shocker there.

Diabetes medications are adjusted, one is added for the cholesterol. By the time I get home, there’s another one for my blood pressure. I shrug and add it to my pile, since my blood pressure had never come down as far as I thought it should in the first place.

November 2023

Back for a follow-up appointment. My sugar levels haven’t changed all that much, and my blood pressure still comes back as pretty damn high, and I make a mental note to test it at home more regularly, because it doesn’t seem right.

Warning: diet talk.

———

We talk about stuff and whatnot, and decide to try Ozempic (as its original purpose was for diabetes) as the next step to get my blood sugar down.

I was aggravated as he goes on about things like how I’ll feel better for losing some weight, and I half-assed express a few concerns because I have disorganized eating habits. I already don’t eat consistently, and I firmly believe my current weight “problems” are due to my disorganized eating patterns (as well as picky eating and just not really wanting to eat in general) in my youth leaving me borderline malnourished. Most of my teen years were spent trying to get me to gain weight. FYI: being significantly underweight for a long time is a great way to have issues with being overweight later.

I go home with a prescription for Ozempic. Fine and dandy, although I’ve been getting the impression he doesn’t really listen all the time.

———

December 2023

Christmas happens, travel happens, fun happens.

January 2024

Cute cat pic, just because. :-)

Next appointment. My blood pressure still reads significantly higher than normal (156/92), and higher than it has been at home, but what with travel and all, I haven’t really been testing it to back up that assertion. The doctor tests it and gets approximately the same result.

I get another prescription for an additional blood pressure medication.

(Can you guess where this one is going?)

I woke up a few days later with a massive headache that wouldn’t go away. I didn’t connect this at the time, but based on what happened next, I think it was.

The day after that I felt a bit dizzy. When I wasn’t feeling much better by lunch, I took my blood pressure and got 94/68. I took it again and got about the same thing, so I had my coworker (who is also a volunteer EMT) test it. He got 100/54. I continued to check it throughout the day, but it wouldn’t stay consistent. I bugged out of work early, finally sending a… well, grouchy message to the doctor (after hours, unfortunately) firmly expressing my frustration that I wasn’t believed when I stated my at-home readings, pointing out I am also an EMT.

My reading was 96/74 when I went to bed.

I felt even shittier the next day. BP was 94/62 that morning; I stayed home from work. The doctor responded to my message when the office opened, discontinuing the most recently added BP med, sanctioning the choice I’d already made. :-P

Unfortunately, my BP continued to plummet throughout the afternoon and evening. I sent a message that evening and asked what to do, continuing my pattern of sending messages after the office closed. 🙄

I took my blood pressure using my automated cuff before going to bed. It errored out twice before I got this:

Lovely, eh?

(The systolic generally reads 8-10 low, but the diastolic is generally bang on.)

I took it manually; 80/54. I send a follow-up message with those readings.

I felt awful the next morning. The act of sitting up made me dizzy. I stumbled out to the living room and called in to work again; I was in no condition to drive. My heart rate was elevated to around 100-110 (it normally runs fast, about 80-90 in the morning).

By late morning, the automatic cuff wouldn’t do anything but error out. I sent another message asking at what point I should go to the ER. I didn’t get a response from the doctor, but did from one of the nurses, who told me that anything under 90 systolic with symptoms qualified.

What. The. FUCK.

I basically decided that if it got worse, I’d go in. I told a friend to check in with me regularly and stayed in my recliner, drinking water and Gatorade to at least get fluid in.

The lowest reading I got on my manual cuff was 78/52. FYI: I should have been in the hospital the day before. This is “almost died” moment number 1. I was a fucking idiot. Denial is deadly.

——

I think this needs split up; I’m gonna post this now and keep writing, because I’m going to hit some sort of character limit sooner or later. O.o

[facedented]

GET TO KNOW THE MUN. || respond to the prompts out of character!

what made you pick up the current muse(s) you have?

uhm well i've been obsessed w/ this band & these characters ( especially 2D ) since i was a wee teenager,,,,,, his muse kinda came out of nowhere after a few years of being quiet & ran me over. he does not have a license.

is there anything you don’t like to write?

well obviously i wont write anything reprehensible or nasty but just like, surface level?? not that i can think of. it depends who / what muses im writing with, too.

is there anything you really enjoy writing?

any opportunity i can get to swim around 2D's head & make him retrospective is always a good time. i love exploring the complex thoughts characters have that we, as an audience, don't really get to see often -- or only catch glimpses of. i like getting messy & philosophical with it. but ofc angst tropes i adore, as well as found family. certain ships with 2D i also wouldnt mind exploring.

how do you come up with headcanons?

a lot of it is lived experience, i think. it'll be like "this character is just like me fr" & then i'll think of ways to make them even MORE like me. it's nice to see yourself represented, even in little ways. but sometimes i'll be inspired by fanfictions, music, tv shows . . . like i listened to an old panic! song & came up with a hc for 2D that way lmao. sometimes i'll just see humans doing human things & relate it to characters. my mind just doesn't shut up tbh

do you write in silence or do you play music?

always music. i feel like i'll pass out if i don't have some kind of sound going on constantly

do you plan your replies or wing them?

9 times out of 10 i'm winging it. sometimes, especially with first time interactions with muses from different fandoms or oc's i do some planning -- just to kind of get a grasp on who the other person is playing & how 2D would interact with them, or how their worlds would intersect. but if i worry too long it just makes me anxious haha so i just try to have fun with it & hope everyone else does, too!

do you enjoy shipping? 

im lowkey kind of reserved with my ships for 2D fjksljflks i only really have two & im not really looking to do shipping rps unless someone mused those characters & felt comfortable, but it's fun to reference his feelings in threads!

what’s your alias/name?

you can call me cal!

age?

24 years young.

birthday?

september 7th! 5 more months.

favorite color?

probably green!

favorite song?

i love music, it changes all the time.

last movie you watched?

a friend of mine showed me the second avatar movie lol

last show you watched?

'baby reindeer' on netflix. chilling.

last song you listened to?

superfast jellyfish -- gorillaz. ( shocker. )

favorite food?

idk man i love to eat but uh. i am always in the mood for chinese food.

favorite season?

fall, by far.

do you have a tumblr best friend?

not atm! most of the gay ppl in my phone are on discord lmao

tagged by : shamelessly stole it

tagging ( only if you want to! ) : @rebelpuff , @manaborn , @poeticvocals , @okoden & @moralpuppet. & anyone else who would like to!

[takaraphoenix]

Buffy dir the ask Game

Aaah! *^* Thanks for asking, I had hoped that may come up! xD

Answers under the cut though, because this turned into... literally 3k words worth of fangirl rambling. That’s what happens when you make me talk about the things I love the most. *ducks head*

Top 5 favourite characters: Spike, Buffy Summers, Willow Rosenberg, Xander Harris, Rupert Giles

Other characters you like: let’s make that five more then! Daniel Osbourne, Andrew Wells, Cordelia Chase, Anya Jenkins, Drusilla

Least favourite characters:Dawn Summers by a landslide

Otps: Spike/Buffy, Tara/Being Alive, Willow/Tara, Xander/Cordelia, Xander/Anya, Giles/Joyce (I always wanted Giles to become Buffy’s dad, officially and legally ;-;), Cordelia/Buffy, Giles/Spike, Oz/Andrew (LISTEN, I love Oz, I hate that he left and only came back once to see his girlfriend his now a lesbian. I wanted him to return for good and I wanted Andrew to be explicitely gay and not just Word Of God gay)

Notps: Xander/Dawn - like, her crush on him was cute and all, but that season 8 really had to make THAT canon was… not necessary… Also Giles/Buffy is really the only Hard No ship I’ve encountered in this fandom, otherwise even when I don’t vibe with a ship, it’s more a shrug and keep scrolling

Favourite friendships: THE GOLDEN TRIO. Xander-Willow-Buffy. I love them

Favourite family:The friends we found along the way. Seriously, the Scooby-gang absolutely counts as a family. Joyce and Giles are the parents, Xander and Willow (who supposedly have parents but we never meet them and they don’t seem to care much) are as much a part of this family as Buffy ;^;

Favourite episodes: HAH! The one show where I can actually name them, without having to cross-check what the episodes are called and what happens where! xD

Once More With Feeling: clearly. IT’S A MUSICAL EPISODE. And it is so good. The singing is so good. I immediately bought the soundtrack and I listened to it on a loop for months. Then the content! The Spuffy is so good, the Buffy angst, everyone gets an adorable moment and then that ending that kills me

Tabula Rasa: I love this episode. It is so whacky but again also with angst, because that Willow/Tara is murderous

The Body: I mean, in a masochistic kind of way do I love this episode. It is… it is so heartbreaking. I’ve seen it like twelve times now and I still cry every single time. How vulnerable Buffy is, the Tara-Buffy friendship, Anya has one of my favorite moments when she confronts what death means. This episode is an absolute sucker-punch

Favourite season/book/movie: Season 6, hands down. Other TV shows always try to one-up it - so they fought demons in season 1, how about they fight SATAN HIMSELF in season 3? The escalation is very rapid in most supernatural shows nowadays. That Buffy took a step back and spent essentially a whole season on character development and friendships and human issues? Also two of my favorite episodes happen in this season, so that makes it all the more special to me!

Favourite quotes:Okay, so, full disclosure I love the musical episode but I listened to Rest in Peace THE MOST. And the lines “I died so many years ago, you can make me feel like it isn’t so” just completely wrecks me. Like, there’s a whole lot of memorable quips in this show and the line “I’m the thing that monsters have nightmares about” is ALSO absolutely outstanding

Best musical moment: When Buffy says “I think I was in heaven”, just the way her voice breaks, the reaction on everybody’s face? This silly musical just outed her biggest secret, the thing that’s going to hurt everyone around her with guilt and the thing that’s wrecking her life. That moment is so good

Moment that made you fangirl/boy the hardest: William Pratt. Getting explicit flashbacks to flesh out Spike’s past, to meet the man he used to be and see what he was like. Also genuinely every any flashback about the Fanged Four. This is something I KEEP yelling about in all the supernatural genre shows - if you have centuries old characters then USE THAT. Show me their past! Seriously the wasted potential of flashbacks around Magnus Bane on Shadowhunters is downright insulting. But Buffy? Every time it explored more, showed me more, I fangirled so hard. Also genuinely when Buffy slept with Satsu in season 8 - like, I know there were no grand romantic feelings but Buffy Summers had sex with a woman and… c’mon, Buffy’s not 100% straight, she just isn’t, I stand by bi!Buffy

When it really disappointed you:When some greedy asshat decided to do a comic reboot and retcon Willow into being Out And Proud in high school and be Gay All Along. Fuck. You. Like, yeah, sure, obviously am I all for out and proud teenage rep! But not at the cost of erasing existing rep! Not when it’s a retcon that actively erases an “I took longer to realize my feelings and be true to myself” lesbian, because those exist and are valid and deserve to be seen too and by retconning her into being out in high school, instead of having boyfriends in high school and only coming to terms when she is in college and actually MEETS her first lesbian to realize that this could be her truth, by doing that, you’re effectively sending the message that only Gold Star Lesbians are valid and genuinely fuck you for doing this. Also, from what I’ve heard that comic reboot effectively erased Drusilla’s insanity and victimhood to have her be an evil mastermind villain and… no… that’s not the character anymore then; a huge point of Drusilla was that she was a victim, most specifically Angel’s victim, that he broke her completely so we can see the bad and depth of Angelus’ worst days, it’s important for the plot even if it makes you uncomfortable to see a woman be a victim, in her case her victimhood and her insanity are literally what make her her. You just created a new character. There is some really wrong SJW bullshit going on in there and it’s dumb. If you wanna tell new stories, do that. But don’t take this existing beautiful story and slaughter it for your own whims what the fuck, I genuinely loathe that this comic exists and I’m glad that the TV show thing is going to be a spin-off sequel and not an actual reboot because don’t fucking reboot Buffy

Saddest moment: Joyce’s death, definitely. But also when Giles decides to leave, that breaks my heart every time

Most well done character death:ALSO Joyce’s death

Favourite guest star: I… really don’t know, like I don’t know who’d count as just guest, when looking at the cast list most the ones I would have said are technically recurring characters and then it’s also not really asking for the character but the actor, huh? Retrospectively probably Wentworth Miller, because he has become an actor I like a lot so seeing smol!Wentworth in Buffy is adorable

Favourite cast member: James Marsters. If tumblr existed back when Buffy first aired, all my Dominic Sherwood obsession could be fully translated onto him. He was one of my three first actor obsessions and he still remains that, to this day

Character you wish was still alive: ANYA. There was no need to kill Anya off in the finale, I wish season 8 could have had that happy, good Xander/Anya content… ;-;

One thing you hope really happens: I am so excited and afraid of the sequel spin-off. That could be so great (or a disaster and that’s the part that frightens me), but what REALLY needs to happen is that Sarah Michelle Gellar guest stars. Of course not as a regular, it is supposed to be about a new slayer. But I need them to then also acknowledge what has been before. Maybe others could guest star too, cameo occasionally (though it would be hilarious if Andrew was a regular and like a… guide to the new kid). Ideally, I would get to see every Scooby at least once in this spin-off but what really needs to happen is that Buffy Summers appears in it

Most shocking twist: When they killed off Buffy… and there was another season. Like. This was pre “everybody dies and is frequently brought back from the dead, death doesn’t stick” TV era (actually, it is the mother of that trope, really), so that was… really a shocker.

When did you start watching/reading?: Ironically, during my least favorite season. Season 4. The initiative was the most bland and obnoxious plotline, Riley/Buffy is a ship I really don’t dig and I was a teen so American college was Weird And Confusing and also uninteresting. However, I had been DYING to watch that show for three years and been deemed too young to watch it so it was really exciting that my mom finally allowed me and also I WAS right on time for the lesbian coming out and that still to this day blows my mind because Willow and Tara were the first lesbians I got to see on TV and it still means the world to me. I then got caught up on reruns, watching the first three seasons, but even on rewatchs, plot-wise season 4 is the weakest for me

Best animal/creature: Miss Kitty Fantastico, by default? xD I think she is the only animal in the whole series… and she just kind of… disappeared too ôÔ°°°

Favourite location: THE LIBRARY I LOVE THE LIBRARY SO MUCH

Trope you wish they would stop using: Mmmh… I… I mean, when rewatching this as an adult, I gotta admit the early Angel/Buffy is very uncomfortable. Back when I was Buffy’s age and younger I thought it was the coolest thing that this vampire loved this teenage girl, but as an adult I have come to re-evaluate all the 16/17 year old girl getting together with a 100+ year old vampire because that most definitely is a very concerning age-gap and… not necessary. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll always also hold love for them because I loved them back when I first watched it too and I think they have a fascinating and epic tragic romance, but… media’s gotta stop pushing the idea that centuries old immortals find high school kids romantically and sexually attractive; it’s not a good look

One thing this show/book/film does better than others: Clearly sell me on the canon romance, if you look at my list of OTPs where nearly all of them are canon. Also THIS IS PROPER FOUND FAMILY YO. I’m so tired of shows pretending to be “the team is a family” and then it’s all just deceite and distrust and miscommunication and tragic. AND where this show 100% outdoes… literally everything else I have ever read and watched is the mental health. Buffy died and came back from the dead and instead of just shrugging it off and doing business as usual, we spent a whole season on her depression and dealing with the aftermath of it. Same goes for Willow and her grief over Tara and her addiction. Bad things happen to the characters and it’s not just used as a cheap ploy for more drama, they have ramifications and are being dealt with.

Funniest moments: When Tabula Rasa made everyone assume new identities and everyone thought Giles was Anya’s sugar daddy and Spike’s actual father? Also the time that Giles kept himself a pet-Spike in his home because no one trusted Spike yet (reasonably so). And honestly, countless more - this is one of the funniest shows I ever watched, the quips and one-liners are absolute killers.

Couple you would like to see: Huh. Can I go really vague and say that I would like to see a wlw couple with at least one lesbian in the spin-off sequel? Like, obviously do I hope that this new iterations brings more rep to the table - LGBT as well as POC because if I have to admit one flaw in my favorite show then that it’s very 90s white - but even among that, I really hope there will be at least one lesbian character, who gets to have an on-screen romance

Actor/Actress you want to join the cast: As mentioned above, I hope Sarah Michelle Gellar and others join the cast at the very least as guest stars.

Admittedly, I also would murder to see Dominic Sherwood play a vampire on this new show.

Those two would be the ones I’d love to see join the cast. However, I kind of got lost in an entire fan-cast here, so have my pitch for what I’d love the spin-off’s cast to look like. I have no idea what age-range it’s going to be though. Probably teenagers again, but I kind of hope early to mid twenties.

My dream cast, which isn’t going to happen because she already has a lead role in a TV show so she’s too busy, but I’d LOVE to see China Anne McClain as the new slayer.

And, okay I admit this is Marvel based type-casting, but I’d LOVE to see Lyrica Okano as the witch friend (the group needs a witch friend).

Sarah Jeffery for the Cordelia-type role. The bitchy cheerleader - but she’s actualy a closeted lesbian who joins the team when she accepts her own identity and befriends the group.

It’s probably also type casting to make David Castro play another brooding vampire, but listen he’s about the same age as China and he would give off good Angel vibes to her Slayer?

Jane Lynch as the Watcher. But not a soft dad like Giles, more the grumpy, annoyed mom who now has all those irritating children running after her even though she is just trying to teach her charge how to be a Slayer.

Favourite outfit: EVIL DOPPELGÄNGER WILLOW’S VAMPIRE DOMINATRIX OUTFIT *^*

Favourite item: I love the dumb axe. Like, I think it looks WAY too modern to be this ancient tool, but dang it’s pretty

Do you own anything related to this show/book/film?: my phone-case, all seasons on DVD, the soundtrack of the musical episode on CD, I probably still got my old bedsheets somewhere. I do wish I had more merch, in a different time I probably would have spent all my money on Buffy figures, but those weren’t available way back when and now that I have access to the internet’s treasure-hunting-sites, I… have learned to… mostly… manage my money better than mindlessly buy merch (though if Funko Pop finishes that… Rock Candy series with all the main characters, I will definitely buy those. As it stands, there’s only Willow and Buffy available right now…)

What house/team/group/friendship group/family/race etc would you be in?: I would definitely not be a slayer. Maybe a witch??

Most boring plotline: The initiative. Seriously. I’m HARD anti military and this bullshit of college soldiers policing the supernatural world was… boring and weird. Got even weirder when it turned into Frankenstein at the end

Most laughably bad moment: ooof that puppet episodes had quite some intentionally cringey moments

Best flashback/flashfoward if any: ALL OF THEM. NOT A SINGLE NOT GOOD FLASHBACK THERE. GIVE ME ALL OF THE PAST

Most layered character: Spike. Fight me on that. Seriously, his past as a human, as a vampire, his present, his will to gain a soul, his dynamics with all the Scoobies, I love him. To be fair, Buffy is also the most layered character though

Most one dimensional character:huuuh… Dawn? I mean, seriously she is just every teen angst trope crammed into one, with zero tolerance for what the only slightly older adults may be going through, they even made her shoplift for attention, I swear she could have only been more of a cringey teen trope if she also Cut For Attention… -___- Like. She… She got slightly better with time, but out of all these multi-facetted characters, she is definitely the flattest

Scariest moment: Puppets creep me out so the puppet episode was definitely scary for me. Also the Silence I mean damn that was an amazing episode but it was creepy as fuck

Grossest moment: mh… I can’t think of one, really. I’m unsure if there were any really gross moments

Best looking male: Spike!

Best looking female: Doppelgänger Willow. Don’t judge me. Also Evil Willow. Okay you can judge me a little

Who you’re crushing on (if any): Never really had a crush on any of the characters

Favourite cast moment: That was… pre-internet times, we didn’t get immediately swamped by posts and videos and photos of the cast, there was very little access to these things so I was never really exposed to that

Favourite transportation: THE RV. I loved when they were on the run for half an episode and just all lived in an RV together :D”““

Most beautiful scene (scenery/shot wise): I really don’t know

Unanswered question/continuity issue/plot error that bugs you:It’s a very well-rounded series and I was never actually left with major questions

Best promo: The best promo it had was running in our living room so I could carefully sneak a peek when going to bed and thus want to watch the show :D”

At what point did you fall in love with this show/book: When Willow/Tara happened. I didn’t even know that I’m a lesbian back then. I was like 10 back then. This was literally the first time I saw two women be together. Back then I didn’t know what about it amazed me so much. Cue in 12 year old Phoe slowly realizing “oooh I’m a lesbian that’s why the lesbians spoke to me”. But yeah, being the first show to show me lesbians exist, that was when I fell in love and then I got to watch the whole show and it is just such a perfect show that it was impossible not to love it

IN DEPTH FANDOM QUESTIONS

[yahoo-puck-daddy-blog]

NHL TV ratings, Ryan Kesler and Phil Kessel (Puck Daddy Countdown)

(In which Ryan Lambert takes a look at some of the biggest issues and stories in the NHL, and counts them down.)

7 – THE RATINGS!!!!!

One of the things that has been pervasive in hockey over the past few weeks has been the smug chortling from Canadians like, “Oh ho, the ratings for NBC will be really bad if it’s a Ducks/Senators final, haha,” as though: a) anyone outside of an NHL or NBC boardroom should give a rat’s ass, and b) the real loser wouldn’t be the hockey fans who have to sit through up to seven games of the stultifying, ugly hockey both teams are capable of playing.

Like honestly, this is one of those things I cared about when I was 14 and wrestling ratings were a thing. The Monday Night Wars. I was a WWF guy, myself (though I also watched Nitro!) and so to see my preferred brand of pro wrestling pull ahead was something of a personal vindication. In retrospect, it was dumb to feel this way.

Again, I was 14.

So why does Canada care? As though they have some sort of provenance over Hockey Caring, after the Senators didn’t sell out a home playoff game, and after ratings for Sportsnet’s coverage are repeatedly abysmal. (Apparently they’re just fine from these playoffs, but guess what: It’s because the Leafs and Oilers made it for the first time in a million years.)

Point being: Who cares however many million people? If you’re the only one in the United States watching a game, what’s the big deal?

Go back to worrying about whether the Senators are Hashtag Canada’s Team.

(They’re not, by the way.)

6 – Battle of the Ryans

Not that I’m choosing sides here because their names are both so so good, but Ryans Johansen and Kesler are in a bit of a feud.

It’s not hard to see who has the moral high ground, though. Kesler chicken-wing elbowed Johansen right in the chin — and shocker: he didn’t get a call from DOPS about it — and Johansen was steamed. Understandably so.

Of course, Johansen did a dumbass thing by complaining about it, because when you tell a goalie “cut it outttttt!” and there’s no discipline forthcoming from someone in a position of authority, the bully is only gonna turn up the heat on you. Perhaps Kesler will resort to the “I’m not touching you” trick in future meetings. I hope so.

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To be clear: Kesler should have been suspended for last night’s Game 3. Johansen is right that the stuff Kesler gets away with — and in fact, gets praised for on every broadcast and every article from a non-Nashville outlet about this series — is beyond the pale. There’s no way it should happen in today’s game.

But it’s the playoffs so it’s going to. Peter Laviolette would be wise to use last change to free Johansen from his tormentor as much as possible, not just because Kesler might try to pants him during the national anthem, but also because he’s very clearly leasing space in Johansen’s head at this point. Which is, of course, the plan.

Why play into it?

5 – The Stars goaltending situation

“Hmm,” thought Jim Nill as his team’s season prematurely smoldered, “I have two goalies who are very bad and over-30 and quite expensive. It’s a real problem. What to do, what to do?

“Ah, I know. As a GM who people used to think was very smart but who let two middle-pairing UFA defensemen walk for nothing in the offseason because of how expensive my two bad, old goalies are, I will sign a bad, old goalie for a lot of money. And a lot of years. And I will be sure to give up an asset to do it!

“And sure, I could wait until the playoffs are over and see if I can get, say, Marc-Andre Fleury, or maybe one of Detroit’s goalies. But what’s the fun in that?

“So who can I get who fits the bill? Has to be a UFA. And preferably he’d already be pretty close to 31. And he’d have to be coming off a career-worst season. And if possible, it would be ideal to get someone who was also plagued by lower-body injuries, which are particularly bad for goalies because they aren’t easy to recover from. Especially if they’re really tall!

“And what, if — and maybe I’m being crazy here — what if we also didn’t really have a good plan for how to deal with the two other old, bad goalies I still have on the roster?

“Jimmy, that just might work!”

Ben Bishop. Who will be 31 in November. Got six years and a little less than $5 million per. And all for the low, low price a fourth-round pick and a goaltending logjam that will be almost impossible to work out without dead cap space.

Beautiful.

4 – The Penguins goaltending situation

The good news for the Penguins, though, is that Marc-Andre Fleury continues to play some very good hockey in Matt Murray’s stead. That gives them approximately a million options for the next two seasons.

The question is whether teams will be willing to accommodate a team that has gone to two straight Conference Finals (and perhaps more before this postseason is all over) that might need some cap wiggle room. As I said in the mailbag yesterday, there really aren’t a lot of teams that need goaltending help, and a $5.75 million backup probably isn’t ideal as part of a going concern.

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But if Dallas is willing to give up all that to get Ben Bishop, imagine what a desperate team would give up for a goalie who only has two more years left and is coming off what will probably be, at worst, a .925 postseason save percentage.

Not ideal, but not terrible.

3 – Jason Botterill

First of all, you don’t get to all of a sudden decide to say, “My name is pronounced this other way,” after decades in hockey. This is Jason “It’s pronounced Kroag now” Krog and Brad “Marsh-AND” Marchand all over again. This isn’t on us, Jason!

But second of all, shoutout to a college hockey guy finally getting his shot to run a team. Of course, that team happens to be the Buffalo Sabres, at a time when their blue line is made up of a bunch of guys I wouldn’t trust to protect my computer at Starbucks while I went to the bathroom for a second. And also their owner is a huge fanboy who thinks he knows anything about hockey, when in fact he does not.

So congrats on the job and everything, but uhhh, good luck.

Phil Kessel of the Pittsburgh Penguins.

2 – Angry Phil Kessel

A million individual blessings to America’s most beautiful and kind hockey boy, Phil Kessel, who loves to shout at his teammates and score goals and be perfect in all ways.

Kessel’s goal on Monday night to win that horrid 1-0 game and even the series was his 29th in his playoff career. And despite playing in Toronto for a bunch of years, that puts him in fairly exclusive company.

Since Kessel’s career began, he’s one of only 20 guys to score at least 29 playoff goals. But again, because his teams were so bad, you have to keep in mind he’s only played 60 playoff games, compared to the 85-plus for literally everyone in front of or behind him.

So how’s this one for a stat: Out of the 231 players to appear in at least 50 playoff games since 2006-07, Phil Kessel — who plenty of people hated and called an out-of-shape loser right up until he won a Cup — is first in goals per game, at 0.48.

That’s ahead of playoff choker Alex Ovechkin, but also playoff Clutch Performer Daniel Briere.

So, y’know, stay angry, Phil. It’s working!

1 – Watching paint dry

Okay so an interesting lesson anyone on Twitter has learned in recent weeks is that you should not under any circumstances express your extremely correct opinion that the Ottawa Senators play boring-ass, defense-only-ass, Ambien-ass hockey.

They do. Everyone knows that it is boring and no one besides Senators fans should enjoy it. In general, you want to be scoring about one goal per period. Ottawa’s offense is well below that number, and it should come as no surprise that they’re last in the playoffs in goals for per 60.

This isn’t a value judgment, by the way. To say they are boring is not to say they don’t deserve to be in a conference final. When you have a minimally talented team and you’re trying to get wins, you use whatever tactics work. Obviously. Games 1 and 2 of the Eastern Conference Final are a great example: Ottawa scored three goals in six-plus periods and held the Penguins to two. Now, this is a badly banged-up Penguins team. And they’re still only 1-1 in the series.

But the best Ottawa can do is hope to make every game a coin flip, especially at this point of the postseason. The idea that you’re going to get reliable results in the form of really close games that go one way or the other is preferable to playing run-and-gun, because everyone on earth knows the Penguins would shred them playing run-and-gun.

Point is, of course Ottawa fans don’t think this is boring. Either playing to come back from a 2-1 deficit or protect a 1-0 lead is going to make you really goddamn nervous. That gets the adrenaline pumping, and if your heart is racing for the last 20 minutes of every game, you’re going to feel like, “Wow I just sweated my way through a really intense hockey game.”

But believe me when I say, if you don’t have skin in the game, you’re gonna find this hockey boring as hell. It’s by design and everything, but that doesn’t make it aesthetically pleasing. Try not to equate “unimaginably tense for you” with “enjoyable for everyone.”

(Not ranked this week: The Nashville anthem guy.

My man, this is like Harry Zolnierczyk complaining to the media that Filip Forsberg is getting the big minutes. Figure it out.)

 Ryan Lambert is a Puck Daddy columnist. His email is here and his Twitter is here.

(All statistics via Corsica unless otherwise noted.)

Greg Wyshynski is a writer for Yahoo Sports. Contact him at puckdaddyblog@yahoo.com or find him on Twitter. His book, TAKE YOUR EYE OFF THE PUCK, is available on Amazon and wherever books are sold.

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