#wish i could rip my throat to bloody shreds screaming i tried but im too quiet to do that

[hiddenintheveil]

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[virgilantejustice]

Heartbreak: The infection

I wrote this a while ago, because apparently i love to torture myself and my characters. I wouldn’t say that it is part of the main story, and i dont know if it really adds anything, hell, it might make it worse, but i wanted to write it. Read at your own peril, because im not sure if it ruins the whole thing or not.

chapter one    chapter two    chapter three    on the church steps    sea of stars    (this one fits in here)

Word count: ~2000

Trigger warnings: Major character death, injury/mutilation, murder, crying

masterpost link

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A year later.

The sun was rising, and the light was streaming through the stained glass windows and striking the floor in multicoloured rays. Logan saw the light dancing on the inside of his eyelids even before he opened them, to see Patton lying beside him, smiling in his sleep.

“Hey, Sleepy Head,” Logan murmured. Patton groaned and swiped sleepily at him with his eyes closed, his hand in totally the wrong place. Logan laughed gently and shook his shoulder.

“Whaaaaaat?” he groaned with a giggle, opening his eyes and sitting up on his elbows.

“Time to get up,” Logan replied, slowly getting to his feet and pulling on his clothes. Patton moaned and did the same. When he was done, he straightened Logan’s tie (a remenant from his last life that he was determined to keep a hold of) and planted a light kiss on his cheek, the sun creating a halo in his messy morning hair.

They smiled at each other for a moment, Logan didn’t even realise that he was leaning in before Patton broke the eye contact to look at the water container. It was empty.

“Darn it,” Patton said, looking back at Logan. “I’ll go get some more.”

“I’ll get it-”

“I can get it, its fine.” He beamed up at him, brighter than the sun rays that were striking to floor with their golden whips. Then he turned and headed out of the front doors to go to the stream that traipsed down the hill a couple of minutes walk away.

Logan went to knock on Virgil’s door, but it was still pretty early, they needed the sleep. The bags under their eyes had lightened significantly since Logan had found them, but they were still there. A sad reminder of that first day…. No. Not thinking about that. About the ball. About the death. No. Not death. Already dead.

Then Logan heard the door open and he ran to it, eager to take the water from Patton’s hands and lose himself in his eyes, to forget that day. But as soon as he saw him, he stopped in his tracks.

Patton was covering his face with one bloody hand, and the water container was hanging in shreds from the other. He had so much fear in his eyes. Logan reached up a hand of his own and pulled it away, then gasped and stumbled backwards.

He saw something he had hoped, that he had dreamed, he had wished that he would never see, but no one listened to the dreams of the damned. Small blotches of yellow were showing through the freckles that filled Patton’s skin, all across the bridge of his nose.

Logan didn’t look away. Instead he lost himself in the dark passages of his mind, the thing that had always managed to keep him safe, but it was becoming darker by the second. Patton didn’t look away either, but his gaze kept wondering hungrily down Logan’s face to his neck and chest.

“Virgil,” Logan shouted, but the words fought in his throat and came out a a wheeze. His breath hitched, and tears sprung into Patton’s eyes. “Virgil!” he shouted again. He heard the door open, but couldn’t tear his eyes away from Patton’s face. “Go and pack up everything, all the supplies, everything, then wait outside.” His voice was monotone and lifeless, but how the bloody hell was he supposed to inspire joy, or positivity?!

“But-”

“Now!” Logan spun around, marched forwards, and grabbed Virgil’s shoulders, wobbling slightly, so they grabbed his elbows to keep him standing. Logan looked into their eyes and knew that his own were filling with water. “Please!” They looked shocked more than scared, their eyes wide with concern. But after they saw the pure pleading that was in Logan’s own, they shrunk in on themself, and walked from the room.

When Logan turned back around, Patton was lying on the ground. “What are you doing?” he asked in a voice that was shaking with the answer that he had locked away deep in his mind.

Patton smiled up at him, but he couldnt hide the tears that were sliding down his cheeks. “You know what you have to do.”

Logan came and knelt next to him. His hands began to shake. “I cant live without…” His tears choked him, cutting off his words. He pressed his clenched fists to his forehead. He screwed his eyes shut, as if that would make it just go away! “I can’t live without you!”

Patton placed a gentle hand on his arm. Logan opened his eyes, his breath shaking, coming in small gasps. Patton smiled a watery, shivery smile, his eyes glittering. “But I can’t let you die with me.”

Logan’s carefully constructed world was closing in. He already saw the darkness beginning to creep into the corners of the brown in Patton’s. He tried to speak, but his voice had been stolen, silently ripped from his throat.

“Please,” Logan whispered, squinting at Patton’s beautiful face. He had been through so much. They had been through so much together. He couldn’t….

Patton reached up a hand and stroked Logan’s hair back from his face. He leant into the warmth of his hand, tears pooling at the corners of his mouth as his gaze once again flickered down to his neck, furthering the realisation of what he had to do.

Logan pressed his blade to Patton’s throat. It felt so cold in his hand. So cold. So empty and silver and cold. His hand shook so much that he grasped it with the other, his breath was coming in short bursts, and his back was heaving with sobs that burst from his throat like wild animals on the hunt.

“I cant…”

Patton tried to offer him a smile, and lay a hand over his eyes, like a prisoner about to be executed. Logan’s hands still shook, but he pressed down. Patton gasped. Logan whimpered. The shadows in the corners of the chapel were creeping in, wrapping their tendrils around his hands and forcing them down. And in one fluid motion, blood flowed, and the steady rise and fall coming from under his arms stopped.

An immense weight collapsed down on him, and it felt as if the roof had fallen in. Thoughts and feelings raced through his head, filling him to bursting and crushing him from the inside. Crushing him with the pain and the guilt and the love that he would never get back. With the years of hard work and the blood that stained his hands that he knew he could never wash away. With the logic that acted a scaffolding, holding up his universe, being drowned and swept away by clawing, wild, ragged grief.

He began to choke on his own tears, a gushing, swirling, monstrous river ripping through his mind. He was being washed away. He clung onto Patton’s body to stop himself from drowning, clinging to his shoulders, stroking his hair, trying to stop the crimson flood still flowing from him.

He cried. So long. So hard. He cried. He didn’t stop crying for a long time. He couldn’t. He couldn’t even try. And so he cried. He cried and screamed and hugged his boyfriend close to his chest and rocked him back and forth like a mother rocking a child. His tears seeped into his hair and spattered onto his face, coating it with a salty slick.

He didn’t let go. He couldn’t. If he did, he would surely fall.

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Logan didn’t know how long he lay there, cradling Patton, pushing him away then pulling him back. He began to cough violently. Choking and spluttering chestily from his lungs, shaking his whole body.

He heard the doorknob begin to turn. “No! Don’t come in!” he shouted through the coughing.

“Do not come in!” He didn’t want Virgil to see.

“What’s going on!?” came a muffled voice from through the door. They sounded so panicked and confused.

Logan stared at Patton’s face. So beautiful. So hardened. He had been through so, so much. Almost died several times, and Logan was always there by his side! He had always been there to save him! Now he was dead. By Logan’s hand.

“I need you to go,” he said, quietly but enough for them to hear through the door. He felt dejected, drained, no energy, no life.

“What?! Why?! Where?!” Virgil cried, the doorknob turning once again.

Logan didnt want to answer his questions. He just wanted him to leave. To leave him alone with the extinguished candle that had been his last scrap of hope. “I need you to go far away, take the supplies. Find someone else like you found me.”

“I cant just go!” they cried through the door, their voice cracking with the panic. “What’s going on?”

“I wont tell you!” he cried. “Please, for my sake as much as your own, just go! Please!” Logan could hear his voice cracking, falling apart, rubbed raw, but he didn’t care. How was he supposed to keep his voice steady?! But he was always the steady one! He was always supposed to be dependable!

Slowly, the door opened. He shied away from the light, the tears in his eyes turning it into a blinding glare.

“Oh my god,” Virgil breathed, stopping in their tracks. “Is that…?”

“Yes.”

“Is he…?”

Logan tried to swallow the lump that was choking him in his throat. “Yes. He is.”

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Logan couldn’t take his eyes away. He couldnt do anything but stare. He was… He was gone? How? Why? Why did he have to be taken, he hadn’t done anything to deserve this! He had always been so sweet, and kind, and… But now….

He staggered on his feet and leant on Virgil, who looped their arm under his to keep him up. They were staring too, but, unlike Logan, tears were streaming down their face. Logan had long since stopped crying. He couldn’t find it in him to cry any longer. For seven years, he had been there, and all the time before that. He couldn’t be gone! But he was.

“Come on.” Virgil’s voice was muffled and distant, as if underwater. “We cant stay here.” They led him outside and then went in to collect our belongings.

“Wait!” Logan shouted, snapping out of his haze. “We cant just leave him here!” Virgil stared at him for a moment. He was confused as for why, until he realised that he was, in fact, crying again. Something they had never seen him do in the year that they’d known each other. Logan hastily pulled his hand up to his face and rubbed the tears away, for what good would tears do? They wouldn’t bring him back.

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They dug a grave. A deep pit in the arid ground. Logan went over to where Patton lay, and tried to pick him up, but his arms had gone limp, like they’d just given in. He fell backwards and sat there, tears escaping faster than he could wipe them away, twisting Patton’s loose, brown curls around and around in his hands.

Virgil stood behind him for a moment. Patton had looked after them on that first day that Logan brought them here. He had comforted them and helped them work through the loss of their family. He had always been so good at that….

After a few minutes, Virgil picked him up and took him outside, lowering him gently into the hole that they had dug. The sun glistened off his skin, lighting him up and making him glow. Logan had always been adamant that angels didn’t exist, that they were just a fantasy for the desperate, but i guess you don’t realise what you have until it’s gone.

After filling the hole back in, they left. They couldn’t stay. Too many memories. Too many…. They couldn’t stay in a place where he was gone, but where he still lived.

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They didn’t know where they were going. But they knew that it wouldn’t feel like home. Not without him to a make it so. Logan had been through so much with him, and they’d made it through together. He wasn’t alone though, he had a sibling now. A sibling who had lost a brother. And a heart that had lost it’s love in a world with none to spare.

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Infection tag list: @the-blue-belle-blog @monstercupcake61176 @starryfirefliesbloggo @iolanomsgranola @mourning–star

General writing taglist: @randomavengersquotes @combine-the-kitchens @soakinforsif

Sorry if i got that wrong, i posted the first chapters a long time ago….

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