#dont @ me about not being considerate
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out of curiosity, would you consider yourself butch?
used to be a blonde underweight twink and now I'm a based jock still got the chanel bag and the sick albeit matured mind of a suckpig to prove it so I'm gonna let you decide whether you wanna call me that word just cuz I got a pussy and short hair. I promise you that there have been enough advancements made in the art of lesbian sexual dynamics in the past 50 years to broaden the vocabulary used to describe the plethora of types of masculine females.
#being called butch just reminds me of how much males have the freedom to navigate between male archetypes and how people pay attention to#the distinguishing features of these varying masculinities#but when a female is seen as masculine it all gets lumped under the “butch” category#her masculinity is seen as unnatural and therefore incapable of being considered genuine or taken at face value as it is with males.#its always brought into question instead of taken in consideration with the rest of the woman's life and experiences and her particularities#Hence... Butch is still being treated as though its a huge lesbian cultural phenomena instead of a specific niche thing#also i dont mean to invite the “you dont pass!!” anons again bc that idiot is missing my point entirely (which is that im truly not trying)#but the fact is that for the past 3 years i have found myself increasingly navigating the male social world#and discovering what it means to me as a female to have access to the ability to take my “masculinity” for granted... relax#forget about it#etc#i think thats entirely antithetical to the Butch thing which seems to rest on the tension of other peoples expectations of her#people broadly are more surprised to find out that im interested in women just as much as they're surprised that im a gym queen iykwim...#ive worked hard for this and now that ive gotten the Woman Social Role thing pretty much entirely out of the way i am living the dream#i think a large part of that is learning as a dyke to appropriate the language of gay men theres a reason their terminology had#staying power even when their scene was *literally* dying meanwhile all that seemed to survive from dyke spaces was butch n femme ??#its because theirs didnt necessitate the building and maintenance of a scene in order for the subculture to hold its head above water#their labels *largely* weren't predicated on their relationships to gender roles and its telling that for dykes it was#their labels rested on the need to simply show up anonymous n be able to easily flag whether they were looking to fuck or be fucked#alongside the set of circumstances under which they would be fucking or getting fucked or what have you#it all comes back to the restrictions of female social blah blah blah and i think the sooner we collectively set down what we see as our#responsibility as lesbians and as feminists to Be A Woman the sooner we can step outside of that#n start thinking clearly about our individual circumstances and the necessity of putting on your own oxygen mask first before helping others
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Finished this doodle way sooner than expected but seriously who dressed Finn in the new show. I don't know whether to be scared or proud. This is our boy that wouldn't wear the lady armour even to save himself! (Note I have no idea what's happening in Fionna and Cake, it might not be OUR Finn, but still the statement stands)
LOOK AT HIM! THE JEANS ARE ROLLED UP! I LOVE IT!
Also a moment to appreciate the fact that the moment adult Finn puts back on the hat it looks like the same boy face we know + a fake beard slapped onto a GIANT man body. I think all the other times we've seen him older he wasn't wearing the exact same hat, and I now understand why. It's just so silly.
#Even with the hat Adult Finn is still hot tho#and I am so mad that I find him attractive#mostly because 13yr old me that crushed on younger Finn would 100% be flipping me off going “I told you so”#and I gotta just keep going with that knowledge#like the burden of my own existence wasnt enough#I missed the boys and that new trailer was dope#fionna and cake#adventure time#I know this was from the trailer but Im gonna tag this as spoilers just in case#spoilers#there I did my part#dont @ me about not being considerate#finn the human#finn mertens#jake the dog
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dynamic
#a doodley#this is also why i dont think talon cld permanently replace al...i cant get any comfort from him 😭#he'd probably tune out if i spoke more than a sentence to him#BUT sometimes u wanna care for someone....#also idk. recent happenings have shown im the stayer i will always stay.#this is both an exploration of that in the aftermath while also having it as idk. a good thing? i do love talon...ykwim....idk#balancing it all out....al cares more for me and it makes me feel guilty in my brain ->#make a guy who you care about more than he cares about you#i do think he'd eventually ''get better'' in the sense of letting his guard down more and being just a bit more considerate#but he'd obvs never be al levels of gushy attentive caring loving open sensitive etc
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yeah, you don't have to reblog the art, but if you rly want to know why reblogs to artists are more impactful..imagine this
a little kid runs up to their mother and is really excited to show them the drawing they spent a lot of time on of their mom and this kid holding hands. the mom goes "mmhm thats nice" but didnt actually look at them.
the kid gets upset and the mom says "why are you upset? i saw it, im not ignoring you" yeah they got acknowledged but no they didnt get acknowlegement.
theres no connection between artists and the people who enjoy their art/fandom. its intentional to reblog art, its showing you liked it enough to take the second to reblog it, its on your blog by your choice, that's so kind of you
like im sorry that these kinds of posts are annoying, but i just feel really protective of those joining tumblr to show ppl their art or fanart and getting crickets because theres no traction. how are they supposed to interact with their fandom if their fandom doesnt interact with them?
#reblogging art#tumblr discourse#maybe??? i feel its not a discourse and yet i see it far too often being Big Emotions#and a lot of resentment for ppl who are willing to put themselves out there and ask of your consideration#the tumblr starving artist is attention starved#'no one likes my art. they dont care so it must be me thats the problem'#that. thats how i feel usually and i stopped drawing because i just felt ignored#not making this about me but this is common and i feel bad#dont be mean to someone asking for reblogs on their art. their art is tied to their emotions. please be kinder about it...#sorry i rambled too long. ive just had this rolling around in my head for some time now and i finally had the words for it#y bye loVE YA--
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i just. hit s+ rank in splatoon and i never honestly thought this would happen?? am i cool now.. do i get to be a part of the s4? do i get to be watered down to my running joke all the time?
#the last part is a joke but i do not see a whole lot of recognition of the s4 being. the s4#like yeah they were cool formidable foes in the s1 era and skull even beat goggles despite his plot armor#but now theyre just#there??#dont get me wrong i love their existence but#it feels like theyve been watered down at least a bit#skull is always just getting lost and army is almost always either the manual guy or the curry guy#thats. thats it thats their bits#skull also has the sweets thing#rider is sometimes a considerable foe too but at the same time the s4 doesnt usually consist of him so im not sure how much to count him#that being said it is a kids manga so i dont really expect it to lean too far into the formidable foes thing#even the xblood werent that scary in the long run and ended up goofy despite being who they were#i also get it in terms of fandom#i understand the appeal of something like aloha being cutesy dumb pink guy (who maaaaaaybe commited some crimes and it shows)#i also definitely understand the appeal of army having a thing for curry as well as the manuals#the manuals can be an endearing thing to write about trust me#but i also wouldnt mind seeing more things that center around the likes of the s4 and the xblood and even the best8 being the absolute best#of the best during their prime#reminder that s+ was the highest rank around when the s4 were introduced. same with the xblood#they were the strongest players and id like to see things that center around that#id like to imagine that moving on to the square and splatsville that the s4 would have had a chance to move uo and get into xbattles#i think of all of them skull and army would have the highest chances of actually making it to xrank and being successful#but honestly if mask and aloha could probably make it pretty well too if they got off their asses#and i think rider would excel as well being rider#he has his own kind of near plot armour i think#so do most of the big teams in my opinion#theyre the sort of doomed by the plot that forces them to battle goggles at some point lmao#maybe i could use this in a fic or au one day#maybe someone already has...#(please send to me if you know of any creators who have played around with these vague ideas of strength i wanna see em)
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what are your thoughts on azem and what fandom does with the concept?
i like what azem offers as a nebulous idea of something emet-selch (and the other unsundered) believes to be better than the wol and as an unobtainable object of (platonic on my end) desire for them. and i prefer them to be some manner of unknowable entity that is haunting the narrative; i'd rather have a vague outline of them than a real person. in my case, i like having it that way because my wol was already the type to try living up to a memory of someone else, even if he doesn't know what or who exactly that memory is (which is the kind of conundrum that gets him in these existential nightmares to begin with). but even outside of him, i treat azem the way dgs1 treated klint van zieks, if you've played that game. long gone and never to return, but still keeps being relevant in some unknowable way that constantly gives the wol grief. i also prefer if azem were extremely flawed in some way, as if to reiterate that even the 'better' version of 'you' that emet-selch wanted was lacking to the sensible modern eye. all that being said, i really enjoy seeing people's personalized azems with their meaningful true names and tragic stories.
as for what the fandom at large does, generally speaking it's a mixed bag. this is a huge fanbase so there are varying degrees of how closely people stick to the canon when writing their azems. i like to go along with the canon (that everyone dressed the same etc etc) but that's because i have an investment in it that some people don't. my wol's story and the story of my favorite characters can't work if their society was willing to bend the rules even a little for just one person. that's not always the case for everyone. so i can't say every interpretation of azem is to my taste but the ones who go beyond my sensibilities are clearly prioritizing something different than what i am, so it's not even relevant to my interests. while i strongly disagree with the idea of highly customized azems with special robes and extremely elaborate masks who constantly breaks rules, my opinion doesn't (and shouldn't) matter to ppl who would rather just have a good time instead of sweating over the story like i do
#xivposting#anonymous#ask#not to mention im the type who will go along with anything as long as youre able to persuade me#so even the most outlandish of azem concepts might actually be genius in a way i dont know bc no one is obligated to explain themselves#or make their ideas palatable to me specifically#but i dont like being made to feel like i have to entertain or be considerate of them if no ones gonna even try to make me care#tldr im judgmental but i try to be classy about it
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LOVE when the pharmacy decides to fucking dick around with my meds so badly that now I’m off my mood stabilizer, my pain meds, and my fucking birth control (in a few days) because they’re insisting I should have extra fucking bottles of each one and I DONT because they don’t let me pick up more than a one month supply of narcotics at a fucking time so do explain where these extra bottles are, hmm ????? and they didn’t have enough caplyta ordered last time to even give me my usual 3 months supply of that so … ???? get your fucking heads out of your asses and give me the fucking meds you owe me ??? like ??? but I’m in a nasty headspace right now so if I call the pharmacy this morning, I’m going to be that cunt ass customer they bitch about all day because this isn’t the first time they’ve done this. in fact, the first time, they straight up committed insurance fraud by marking one of my scripts as filled and picked up WHEN, IN REALITY, THEY FUCKING LOST THE SCRIPT AND HAD NO RECORD OF IT BEING FILLED OR PICKED UP IN THEIR SYSTEM, BUT YET, MARKED IT AS SUCH AND CHARGED MY INSURANCE AN ALMOST 8 GRAND FOR THE FUCKING 3 MONTHS OF MY MOOD STABILIZER THAT I. NEVER. RECEIVED. I’m genuinely about to report this entire pharmacy to the pharmacy board because I’m so fucking done with this place. it needs to be shut the fuck down because you’re telling me, out of an entire pharmacy, y’all share the same IQ point AND dead brain cell, collectively ??? then don’t fucking work in healthcare where people rely on you to know your shit and keep track of their fucking meds because you’re just constantly making shit worse on people since you can’t seem to not fuck around with these meds and not ‘lose’ scripts. fuck out of here.
and I’m pretty much out of weed, which is usually my back up pain management method, without the money to afford a delivery order by their cut off time to order in 3 hours because I just paid my fucking bills and have SOME to go towards it, but not enough for delivery to be free, and I’d still have to walk my ass to one of the ATM’s nearby because they don’t accept my bank as a prepaid method OR any of the cards I have on my person. 🫠
I can literally feel my back spasming and seizing on and off while I’m laying on my fucking side, I’ve had a migraine with a stupid ass aura for almost a week now because chronic migraines fucking suck and i was REALLY hoping this one would be over by now, my muscle inflammations that my pain meds are supposed to limit are already beginning to start their itching deep in my muscles so soon they’ll blossom into a whole fibromyalgia fucking episode and become entirely inflamed, my joints in my hands fucking hurt because of the dreary weather so I really need to get into a rheumatologist at some point soon as well and get that shit figured out, I’m nauseas as fuck from all the pain, and I’m moody, hormonal, and just feel like fucking death physically.
I’m just. I give up.
this shit is exhausting and painful and so mentally fucking taxing to constantly deal with and I just want a fucking break from all this fucking shit. I wish I could just … not exist … for even just a little while with how fucking painful existing actually feels right now 🫠😭
#i hate that CT weed is so fucking expensive#half a fucking ounce shouldn’t cost me $250 …….. not when I can go to MA and get an ounce for $108 after tax ……..#but I don’t have a way to MA because my fucking best friend. who made plans with me OVER THE WEEKEND. HER. SHE INITIATED THEM.#canceled on me last second even though I texted her early the night before when I know she would see it 🫠#nope instead she waited from the text I sent at 6:30pm until noon the next day to cancel because her period is kicking her ass#NOT FOR FUCKING NOTHING BUT SO THE HELL IS MINE ???? AND IM ANEMIC ??? AND DEALING WITH ALL THIS EXTRA PAIN ON TOP OF IT ????#and I know I’m being irrational and insensitive because pain tolerance is a sliding scale for everyone#but like fucking come on you do this 3 out of 4 times YOU make the plans to hang out and I’m fucking over it.#plus I’m the one that always pays for everything and does she ever even OFFER to hit me back for the COUNTLESS ounces of weed I’ve got her#all because she couldn’t afford it so I said I’d cover it and she never paid me back. I’ve bought her at least a grand’s worth of weed#just over the last couple months and she’s never ONCE offered to pay me back for a single one#like ……… I don’t expect it. I give if I have it. but you can’t even just offer ??? like the invitation to pay me back would be enough to no#leave m ragingly pissed off and feeling used as an atm again for yet another ‘friend’ because they don’t even OFFER to be considerate#of course I’d say not to worry about it but it doesn’t even cross your fucking head to ask if I want anything towards it#like the next time you get paid ??? when you go and spend your own money on weed that day but can’t reimburse me for anything IVE paid for#oh and I always have to give her gas money if I even simply just want to hang out because she’s always fucking broke somehow#and she works in healthcare like bitch I know what you make and you can’t play that you don’t have enough to get by or throw me 50 bucks#towards YOUR weed that I’m buying every once in a fucking while when I’m already paying for everything fucking else#I’m so angry and I know I’m being irrational and bitchy but this is what happens when you’re tripped off your meds cold turkey#and one of them is a mood stabilizer that makes it so you DONT feel this way about people and aren’t so bitter when you’re let down 🫠🫠🫠#because now my rejection sensitive dysphoria is going to be triggered even easier than usual and I’m just.#I actually fucking give up. I don’t even know what to do here. the pain going through my body is so fucking intense#I keep losing my train of thought because everything hurts and then every once in a while a DIFFERENT pain acts up and throws itself in too#I just. I just can’t fucking win.#I hate fucking struggling with my mental state like this when I’m off my meds.#and because I have to be a month without my stabilizer/pain management/birth control it’s going to take me ANOTHER month to get readjusted#to those in my body so I won’t feel normal again until nearly fucking mid to end January the earliest#and that’s fucking bullshit. I’m going to fucking **** myself by the time I get back on these fucking meds since it’ll take that long#fucking hell I just. I give up. I give in. I’m self isolating and cutting myself off from everyone because it’ll be in THEIR best interest#for me to do so when I can’t control my mind like this. I’m so tired of feeling so fucking shitty and I’ve only been off them for two days
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Ya know what I haven't seen discussed in the phantom? Especially with the "are the Fenton good or bad as written in the series" and all those takes? The fact that the Fentons believe that ghosts aren't really alive, aren't sentient. To them, ripping a ghost apart "molecule by molecule" would be like taking a toaster apart to see the wiring. Or a robot to see it's internal configuration. Sure a ghost may move and mimic but it's not really alive. And as soon as it's proven that, yes, they are "alive" (dead person or monster the interpretations up to you), and in fact, Danny, their very much teenager son, is one, well yes - they immediately accept him. Because it's not that they inherently hate and want to kill ghosts - how do you kill something that's not alive in the first place? They just wanted to see how they work and function. If you found out that a robot actually could have real, original thoughts and feelings that weren't programmed - well, you'd no longer treat it like an object either.
#the bee talks#danny phantom#it occured to me today (after seeing both bad fenton parents + good fenton parents meta takes) that no one talks about the fundamental issue#i mean how do you reconcile hating ghosts/phantom and loving their kids/danny? well. you dont bc they arent contradictory (to them)#and once they have proof refuting their world views well.... they're very quick to change them#i like both takes of the fenton parents... so long as there's proper nuance! and thoughtful consideration of canon!#a lot of the naunce is being lost in the phantom currently and im... a little tired of the in-fighting#that being said they are scientists and arent easily swayed from their convictions 👀👀 plenty of angst opportunities abound
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every single fucking second of the new episode feels like one of these
#tmagp#tmagp spoilers#im about to go absolutely batshit insane in the tags you have been warned <33#AND FOR GOOD REASON#JESUS CHRIST#“magnus institute” hello WHAT THJE AACTUAL FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#“compelling” “institute” “as a place of power” “terror” “the fearful and despairing” FDSHJFDLJKSLVFKNKVN WHATG#hgwhqelfdwhljvfdjvnkdcknjhbcvhjkxczghxvzgkhj#“without the considerations of being watched” jhkkjghfdjh WHAT THE UFCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK#“compelled to write” TO THE MAGNUS INSTITUTE???????????????????SHUT UJP#“our grand ritulal” ok. ok. ok. ok. ok. ok. ok. ok. ok.#and it's on SAM'S computer#“feeding his obsession” “who's in there” “what did you do (jmj error)” AM I HAVING A STROKE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#alice. Alice. oh my god you are so close i fear#and dont get me started on GWEN.#DJDSFHJHHKJLVNFNKLFDJGKHDSLFJGIFLFSD#ASJLFHJDHJDFGNJFDJFV#COMPELLED??????BDFKFJSDKFGDAS#THE FUCKINGF TAPE RECORDERS????????? ERROR???????????????????????????#HDSJKJKGHJGKDKHJFHKJLGVD#DGSBJKGJVKJNVDNKFSJJGVS#JKGSDKJFDSHJKKHJSDKJGDFS#DFKNGJENJDSKJNFDSAKJNFASDJKKJDSKJDFKJHSDAHJKFHKJDGHKJDKJSHVJKNSD#HQWEUDFHUHDFHUKDKALSFFLDSGH#“the magnus protocol is a podcast distributed by rusty quill and ” GET BACK HERE#oh my god#hjkdgjklsdhjkasdfkljhghklj that was INSANE i loved it
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nobody gets dragged more than mitch marner man.. it's fucking insane
#i know i just talk about it so much but its soooo hard to just see the droves of ppl being obtuse on purpose#abt anything he says or does any second of the day like jesus#not even comparable at this point#i hope hes on this team forever to spite eveyrone and also#ik everyone collectively agrees captain is austons thing to lose but can u imagine how mad all the uncles would be if it were mitch#like... he is the glue in a lot of ways...... dont think he gets enough consideration imo....#need the leafs to listen to me abt this whole co-captain thing im TELLING U#a situation has never called for it more.... give me
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There really is no getting to these people why am I even on this website lmfao
#people are so far down the jew hate rabbit hole its just gross#and the people who refuse to see how trump is NOT in any way equal to Harris is just#wtf is wrong w you people#anyways im tired of these fucking morons honestly lmfao#im just going to focus on doing my part to help others and ride whatever tide this is heading thru#because people are so radicalized these days its fucking sickening#and i feel like everyone always rags on about things getting worse but#i feel like it really has gotten CONSIDERABLY worse the last year#im tired lmfao#its not my job to make people see jews as human beings#its not my job to educate people on history they refuse to look at#but it hurts the people i care about so idk what to do#when trump wins and yall start killing jews dont expect me to help you#get bent#yall are gonna be crying about real fascism and im just gonna fucking laugh because we fucking told you so#so tired of it lmfao#just gonna take care of my own yall arent my responsibility
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aaghh I hate health anxiety ocd (or whatever you call it), it's literally doing nothing other than contributing to make my health worse
... wait actually, does anyone have like, tips/advice for that kind of thing? I really think I need some help with this one
#i (ai)#ocd#vent cw#I also have like severe decision paralysis + procrastination issues so that's great#like. being so scared that i have to choose for something to eat that is nutritious&healthy AND affordable AND eatable#that i delay my eating by many hours every other day (+ combined with many other reasons like general awful schedule)#is not in fact the amazing health plan my instincts apparently think it is for some baffling reason. fucking hell#I consistently have all sorts of digestive system issues and I'm plenty underweight. tbh my adhd meds prob also dont help with this part#....on that note I have severe anxiety with spending money (which I have very little of) too. lmao. just great#during the lockdown years my contamination ocd spiked very badly and it still hadn't fully recovered now#and it was/is really godawful harmful for my physical and mental health alike. like this was worse before but even now it really screws wit#my hydration habits. also its always my top consideration/anxiety to think about 'god would the toilet hygiene be bad'#whenever theres any option for me to go anywhere. so I avoided nearly every possible activity/event/social event I could avoid#that require leaving home for half a day or more. and I freak out badly whenever anyone comes to our home to visit for fear of contaminatio#some family friends used to send kids over to our place for dinner montly-ish & that was always my worst anxiety source for the month#I always dreaded the night terribly and it was awful experience. urgh.#gdi I wish I had less types of ocds like why am I cursed with so many annoying things at once lmao#...anyway ugh. i hate how my parents is about me getting sick/ill/any sort of pains etc. always jump to blame me at once#now I don't even want to tell them about it but I have to and they'll often force me to do chores as usual and/or never stop talking about#how it's so totally my fault for having awful schedules and bad habits etc that I'm sick & that I'm making excuses or whatever the fuck#that i'm an adult its my responsibility etc etc#anyway sorry and thank you if you've read this far lmao
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I love trauma! I love being traumatized!
#sepiasys.txt#I love that B has basically just reconfirmed(?) that he has made himself a father figure to me!!#(is tired and annoyed/pissed off)#Things were fine when we went out but then it came time to get stuff to buy from target and yeah that was a trigger ig idfk#fucking awful experience. tempting to never go outside again despite knowing WE DO LIKE OUTSIDE!!#Motherfucker says he's responsible for us; not the first time.#coming to the conclusion that he basically acts like a parent to me felt like it was a completely new realization; but also like I should've#already come to this realization? Completely unfamiliar but logically makes sense enough that I should've already known.#So anyways I DON'T WANT A PARENT I WANT A FRIEND??#Specifically I want someone who is fine with us going in two different directions and meeting back up. He doesn't like when I'm separated :/#Bro got me feeling like a little kid again which was so fucking unpleasant. I felt too tall in the store.#On the walk home in familiar territory was fine ig. I want to punch him. but I've already fucking hurt him enough. whatever.#He told me that my saying this felt similar to back home hurt him. like it was rude/mean. That pissed me off more.#Like yeah I'm not considerate half the time of how others might feel; I dont think about it. BUT DUDE I AM/WAS LITERALLY HAVING AN AWFUL#TIME HERE AND YOU INTERPRET ME EXPRESSING MY PAIN AS BEING RUDE TO YOU!?#Like fuck I get you are the reason I'm here and I'm grateful for it; still rather be here than home; BUT ARE YOU FUCKING FR? ARE YOU KIDDING#Motherfucker saying he just wants to protect me and shit and thats not the first time either but THAT FEELS OVERPROTECTIVE AT A POINT DUDE#I know I'm traumatized and ik you are too but like fuck dude my needs and your needs do not fucking align if thats the case FUCK#I'm so pissed off and yet I can only express it as if lukewarm instead of fuming. Whatever. fuck this shit. fuck everything. 19 pizza rolls.
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Random limlife Scott rant, GO!
I got this ask and decided that I’d give it my best shot but got so mad on my skim through some of the moments I remembered that I gave up.
#Okay im half joking#I got angry enough for me to decide that writing a post without careful consideration would probably lead to an inaccurate little ramble#I need to like. actually sit down and watch limlife and do a full overall analysis#because the context for how scott acts each season is so important. a skim just wont do#The reason I dont have notes on him to share with the class already is because when it was coming out I was pretending that—#Scott grew as a person after 3l and I wanted to believe that so badly I started making stuff up about memory erasure and limlife being—#dubiously real so that I could look the other way when scott started being weird about jimmy again#I was like yeah they barely remember it thats why scotts being uncomfortably weird about jimmy this season#not because scott doesnt think about jimmy like a person and just wants to hear him say words that make him feel better about his—#rough relationship history#not because the idea of jimmy gaining independence from him makes him feel insecure or anything#sighs. sorry im just saying things. again its been a while since ive watched it so I need to actually. Yknow. Watch it before making posts#Its just crazy how he treats it like proving a point more than actually caring#“I mightve given you the 30 minutes last week if youd said love you” he wouldnt have. he was already leaving when he said it#he’s literally just trying to get him to feel bad about not saying it#pretty sure he kills jimmy in the same episode he lets jimmy kill him. Like. He doesnt really care like that#He just likes to pretend that he does. He is going through the motions of caring#Its like he needs to believe jimmy still needs him. in like a possessive way. Its really weird man#I will say though since I see this a lot: I dont think him singling out tango in the 30 seconds scene was intentional#because if im being honest. I dont think he sees the ranchers as anything serious#He assumes tango was just putting up with jimmy bc he had to. He doesnt think tango actually cares about jimmy#in his mind no one actually cares about jimmy. because if scott struggled to care about jimmy and Scott is known for being an amazing ally#that must mean everyone else struggles to care about jimmy. If that makes sense#rant over I think. tldr limlife scott analysis postponed until I get my life together enough to be able to sit down and watch forthree hour#bree barks so fucking loud#asks
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so i am singing that vitellia in the end... but at what fucking cost.
'you gotta sing this softer'
'what'
'this is mozart'
'this is vitellia'
'this is mozart'
'im singing about how much i hate this mf and want him dead before the end of the day'
'this is mozart'
'i wanna murder a guy'
'this is mozart'
'...'
'softer. gentle. mozart'
'...ok'
#they're killing me here#i already bargained for ONE (1) note in chest (thank you so so much that i am ALLOWED to sing an A3 in chest voice <333) and now THIS#THIS is why people hate mozart. fuck you.#i recorded that rehearsal and the first version sounds SO MUCH BETTER. after i did what she asked me to do its just. so fucking boring.#i hate it here#i love this duet so much but frfr im not sure i wanna do it if i have to do it on their terms.#also like sorry to be a bitch but you're a pianist girl. just stick to your stuff and let me take care of mine.#just because you're playing this like you're constipated because tHiS iS mOzArT doesnt mean the rest of us dont care either.#its possible i never will get the chance to sing the entire vitellia so i want to do justice. as much as im able. to this one chance i get#it took me A Long While to deal with the fact that i wont be able to bark that 'indegno' and 'regno' like i always envisioned.#but like. ok. whatever. i can still make it Entertaining. THIS however. no. no fucking way.#and its not even about me being a big-headed know-it-all who thinks she's better than everyone because. lol and lmao clearly im Not#but this is about having a fucking SOUL. its about actually taking the libretto into consideration too. its about trying to figure out#WHY mozart wrote it the way he did. like sorry but this is another fiordiligi case where its CLEAR that the amplitudes the crazy jumps#are there FOR A REASON. the reason is HE WANTED A CONTRAST. some fucking EMOTION. he sure as hell didnt want it to be Soft And Gentle.#i know it because i talked to him and he told me im right about everything as always and you can eat shit girl bye#grrrrrrrr im so angry#i knos i sound so arrogant here but please. please i just want to make this music fun and enjoyable. i just dont want it to be boring#please understand my vision im begging you
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I've just been feeling really sad today, the kinda sad that just sinks into your bones and almost feels at home in your body. I miss NY; I miss my friends, I miss my independence, I miss my city, I just miss my old life. I'll get back there eventually but it's so slow going that I can't help but just feel this melancholy in the moment. The last six months haven't been great. I hope 2024 will be much better.
#Eli Speaks#i think being around my family who are all so happy here really hit me today#i just feel like an after thought to everyone#ive made myself small bc i dont wanna take up a lot of room#but when i ask for even the simplest of things i always get rejected#thats being a little dramatic#but its not that far off#i just want to have a life#but i just feel like ive been shrinking away more and more#im trying not to#im trying to interact with my friends who actually care about me and take my feelings into consideration#but its been hard#id been feeling better for a little bit#but now im back to just feeling miserable again#i just want one positive change in my life#is that too much to ask
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