#done nothing but meet up with two friends & watch like 10 episodes of tv and only worked on a few projects on the side.. this is HORRIBLE!'

[icewindandboringhorror]

I have found a beautiful perfect humble rock specimen that is light yellow with a weird dark yellowy brown lining, somewhat resembling a chunk of smoked gouda cheese... effervescent

[ardinwriter]

So I’ve been rewatching Salvation, for like the 20th time, and I love it, but I definitely feel like they try to fit too much into each season, making them over complicated.

Like, S1 is great, right up until they threw Monroe and Resyst in. 

Asteroid and Atlas and Russia should have been plenty. Most of the season stays the same, Resyst still exists and helps them get the gravity tracker launched past Russia, but not to steal Tess, just for money and so Darius Tanz owes them one. Then maybe in the last episode introduce Q17 as the ones blowing up aircraft carriers to get us to the Russian nuclear launch. Everyone except Darius and Liam still end up in the bunker, etc.

And then S2:

Have the nukes destroyed during launch by the Russians when they see the US isn’t retaliating. Diplomacy still on thin ice, so the President orders Darius to keep the the bunker sealed until things smooth out some, maybe 45 days. No VP Darius, no world being held hostage by Resyst. Instead use the season for the Monroe plot and Q17, while Darius and Liam try to figure out what’s up with the asteroid and Grace acts as a senior advisor to the President. Having Monroe and Q17 at the same time is perfect because then you get a great half season of “are they the same, are they working together, etc.”.  

Meanwhile, keep the tension between Grace and Darius by having Darius see and misinterpret something when he reopens the bunker that makes him think Harris and Grace are back together. 

2/3 of the way through the season, sort out the Monroe thing - including Darius’ kidnap plan because I love seeing him and Grace’s dad interact. Ditch the Grace killing Claire, instead have the bodyguard that Darius insisted Grace keep do it instead and then go immediately to the police instead of a cover up. 

End the season by wrapping the Q17 plot with both Darius and Harris gravely injured. When Grace stays with Darius, he makes some snarky comment about how she should be with her boyfriend which is when she realizes why he’s been being how he is, but before she can correct him, he’s rushed into surgery. When he wakes, she’s at his bedside, confesses that she loves him, but before he can respond, Liam rushing in, telling them that the asteroid is about to hit, that nothing they’ve done has stopped it, tv on to watch. Darius remembering the thought he had as he went under for surgery and tells them he doesn’t think it will hit. Watch as it doesn’t hit, but comes to a stop above the Earth.

Into S3:

Start several hectic weeks after the last season ended. The ‘asteroid’ has taken up an orbit around Earth, effectively becoming a second very small moon, obviously not naturally occurring. Darius and Liam have been working constantly with scientists around the world to contact it as Grace and the President - with Harris now as VP - try to shore up international diplomacy and stop other countries from shooting at the thing.

A few episodes in, it’s clear that Darius and Grace have not found two seconds to talk about her confession at the hospital, despite several attempts that we see. Darius, finally frustrated by that after a meeting in the Oval office, turns to the President and says something like “I’ve been trying for 6 weeks to get 10 minutes alone to talk to Grace, Madam President can we borrow your office for a few moments”. The President is hopeful that they’re finally going to talk - they have not been subtle - and has everyone clear the room. Not talking so much as a take on the end of 2x9 with him just kissing her and the makeout session. The next episode starts the same way as 2x10, but without the secret service men outside her house.

Efforts to talk to the thing continue and Grace, who has become good friends with the younger woman, discovers that Jillian has been theorizing some of her own ways to talk to the thing, ways that are less math and science and more humanity. Can’t really get anyone to listen though.

1-3 episodes of some other country attempting, despite everyone else telling them not to, to blow the thing up.

Then conclude with Grace convincing Darius to try one of Jillian’s approaches since nothing else has worked. Shortly after they send Jillian’s message or whatever, a small chunk of the ‘asteroid’ breaks off and begins a slow decent towards the White House - like slow enough to have debates/discussions and gather important people.

As the landing gets closer, Darius and Grace ask the President for a favor, which she grants, but we don’t see what it is.

Cue the landing. The President, Harris, diplomats of all kinds, Darius, Liam, Grace and Jillian all out on the lawn waiting. When it does, everyone kind of looks at each other trying to decide who goes first, then the President turning to Jillian and ushering her forward. Saying that science and math and diplomacy failed before, so she thinks it’s good to start this round with Jillian’s heart.

Jillian stepping forward as the ship comes in to land and a door appears and starts to open. Pan to Darius as he puts his left arm around Grace’s shoulders. She raises her left hand to cover his. Zoom in on their shiny new wedding rings. Then pan back to the ship. Go dark before we see who comes out.

This show was always at it’s best when it was about the people instead of the situations and I feel that moving away from that hurt the show quite a bit, especially in S2.

[yn-x-animeboy]

Jungkook x y/n (as a famous artist) Pt.3

sinopsis: You are a popular artist in America, pretty famous, loved and well-known by the general public (actually you were one of the top 10 artists in the world but you are pretty humble and naïve to realize your popularity), one day during one of your fan meets you talk about how much you love BTS, and not only how you wish to meet them and work with them but how Jungkook is one of your celebrity crushes. During the meet you fangirled with other ARMYs in the crowd; video clips of you fangirling and talking about BTS at your meet where posted and reposted all over social media. This obviously broke the internet because you were not only a famous singer but you also were always accepted and loved by ARMY and this made a lot of people happy. Suddenly it felt like everyone wanted you to meet the seven handsome and talented idols and collaborate, but you could only wish, you believed they didn't even know who you were...or so you thought

pairing: reader x Jungkook

genre: fluff, romance, for entertainment purposes

BTS x Fem Reader

Parts: 1 here & 2 here

---

Part: 3 - The Jimmy Fallon Show

A couple of months have passed since your fan meet episode went viral and since BTS saw the video too. A lot has happened since then tbh, you kept working hard, you just put out your 5th studio album which is doing amazing in the charts, it reached no.1 for album of the year and 3 of your songs stand in the first places amongst other artists on the top 100 songs as well. BTS have also been working on music and projects, not a lot of time for you all. 

Even though it has been a long time since your ‘fan meet’ episode was aired  the media still brings up your episode highlights where you talk about BTS, it is not another really, it doesn't seem to affect you. Neither you or BTS have openly spoken about this to the general public, to them, it seemed like a cute exchange between you and your fans where they got ‘close and personal’. The only difference now is that your fans and ARMYs now have a ship name for you and Jungkook, and they still wish their ship could sail someday….

Thanks to the success your album has had in the short time it was published, you have been invited to multiple talk-shows to promote your new music and to basically catch up with the media. As an artist the whole publicity thing is important for your team and company. Even though it can be hard to ‘do press’ as a celebrity, you enjoy it and always do your best for your supporters. Your fans and everyone who became a fan of your infamous episode would troll around twitter writing things like ‘will BTS be on this show appearing with y/n?’ ‘AYe y/n watch out, they are going to surprise you with BTS’; but you didn't really have time to see them, only your team was aware. Your days working + rehearsing + promoting don't really give you time to scoop around your social media.

Today on your schedule: The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon. Tonight you will be performing and having an interview for the show. You love this show so much, you have been invited before,  and you really feel comfortable on set in the company of Jimmy and his team/staff, they are always super nice and welcoming. You haven’t been there for an interview in a while and you are excited. (Even though it went viral, and it was your fantasy, the whole “I WISH I COULD MEET BTS AT A TONIGHT SHOW” was not really on your mind today, probablly because of how hectic your day was. You woke up super early and took a flight on your jet to New York, then you went to rehearsal to rehearse the song you’ll be performing tonight, went to the hotel and took a shower, went to two important business meetings for your record company, barely had time to eat, then went and had hair and makeup done for an afternoon interview for a radio show and finally some rest before you went to the Jimmy Fallon studio)

The Tonight Show starts at 10:00pm but you have to get there earlier to greet Jimmy and the staff, to quickly rehearse your performance, to go over details about the show, get ready, etc. You arrive on set at around 6:00pm in sweatpants, a baggy Ariana Grande merch T-shirt, sneakers and fresh hair from your second shower today. You walk through the door next to your personal bodyguard Lee and Manager Sam, followed by your stylist Meg behind you, you look around to see if you could recognize any familiar faces, The camera crew were setting up their high budget equipment, staff members cleaning, running around and preparing for tonight's live interview. Jimmy comes out from behind a door with casual clothes and messy hair, nothing like his sleek professional look on TV. Smiling he greets you and your team; he takes a step forward and hugs you tightly “Hi y/n it’s so nice to see you, it has been a while we have missed you, ever since your interview was scheduled for this week the staff has been excited to see you again, including me, you are one of our favorite guests to have over i swear” you look at him sweetly with hands on your chest from his hind words (the reason why they loved you so much was because you were different from other celebrities on the show, you were always super polite and nice to the staff and took time out of your schedule to greet everyone and introduce yourself, even though you were one of the biggest stars in the world you humble personality attracted many). “Omg stop Jimmy you are so sweet, I love your show so much it’s always an honor, thanks again for inviting meI wanna say hi to the staff, can I?” You said; Jimmy has been like a mentor to you when it comes to interviews and press, he was one of the first people to believe in you and interview you when you debuted. “Yes of course you go ahead, I’ll talk with your manager while you do so to catch up.” (They were good friends too)

While Jimmy and Sam catch up, and your stylist and bodyguard follow an assistant to put your stuff in the dressing room; you walk around introducing yourself to the staff; you visit the camera crew, the audio booth, the lighting crew, the producers, the PD, the meeting room, even the cafeteria. This helped you also to loosen up and feel more comfortable and confident for the show. After the greeting you quickly rehearsed with your talented backup dancers for the performance to get used to the ‘stage’ and the spacing.

One of the sweet staff members you just met offered to show you to your dressing room where Lee, Sam and Meg were waiting for you. You entered the spacious dressing room and sat at a small couch next to Lee (he was your bodyguard but sometimes even acted like a father/guardian to you, you were thankful you had a close connection with your team) You treated them all, including your dancers, to a mini banquet of food from the cafeteria and chatted about nothing before you had to start getting ready. Sam started getting constant phone calls, as your manager he was constantly busy on the phone, he ignored a couple of them but the caller seemed insistant, Sam saw the caller ID and shot up and ran outside to answer. “Ey no phones on the table mister” you teased as he was halfway out the door, he flipped you off and you back at him and proceeded to finish your snack; “Who would be so insistent, the company handles the calls when Sam has something to to with y/n… this interview has been scheduled for a month now…” Meg, your stylist commented, but you just just shrugged her shoulders as you swallowed the last bite of your sandwich, not really thinking too much about it. You stood up to brush your teeth after finishing eating. (what you failed to notice was Lee making a face to Meg basically telling her to ‘shut up’.... they knew something you didn’t but you didn’t see said interaction at all)

After 20-30 mins Sam came back as if nothing happened, you were now sitting in front of the large vanity mirror and Meg staring at your hair behind you. “Is everything okay Sammy?” You asked, thinking the call could be from a family member or an emergency, judging on the time it took. “No, yes- um it was just a catch up call, apparently the company did not answer their call in my place so they called me directly ignoring the fact that I was here with you.” he spoke. “Ah yeah, well that's good, well we finished our food and cleaned up so the girls (referring to the 2 backup dancers) and I could start getting ready but I left you and Lee some cookies and coffee on the table” you said pointing to the small coffee table in front of the couch that was previously filled with food, Lee, a 6’5 tall man sitting in a tiny couch with a cookie on his right hand and coffee on his left making space for Sam to sit next to him. cute. 

You finish getting ready, hair done simple and comfortable for your interview and later performance, light natural makeup letting your natural beauty show off and fancy yet comfortable outfit that allows you to sit and dance comfortably. You felt really pretty and powerful. It was 9:30, only 30 mins before The Tonight Show started. before The live audience was allowed inside the studio you went over your dance quickly to make sure your outfit was safe to dance in, to make sure the music was the right one and to let the camera crew plan out their shots for the dance and interview segments. Once again you bought your head towards the staff and wished them good luck and a good show, you introduced yourself to the live band that accomplies Jimmy for the show as well and went backstage again for the final touch ups and waited for your turn to come out.

----

“.... and now here is your host...Jimmy Fallon'' he was introduced as the audience clapped for him and he walked across the set to his desk. “Hi, everyone, and welcome to THE TONIGHT SHOW!!!” The crowd cheered again for Jimmy. “Normally we have multiple guests on this show and from 10:00 pm to 12:00am we talk to multiple guests but today is a little different, today we have a very very special guest who will be with us. the. full. show!!!” The audience was comforted by a lot of your fans since it was announced you would be the guest tonight they prepared, and as soon as they heard this immediately stood up and cheered knowing it was you he was talking about. “She is one of my favorite artists, she is the sweetest, most talented artist today. Everyone welcome…. y/n'' The crowd went crazy as you came out from behind the curtain. Seeing everyone you bowed down to the audience and waved your hands, then you took Jimmy's hand to help you up the steps to the couch next to his talk show desk and sat down again bowing your head and mouthing ‘thank you’ to the still cheering audience.

“Wow the people love you y/n'' Jimmy said. “Hahaha no, stop, Thank you all, I love you so much I don't deserve you all.” you said blushing a little from the overwhelming support. The interview started normally, Jimmy introduced you properly to the camera and audience, you spoke about yourself and answered the general questions (‘What have you been doing these days?’ ‘Tell us about your album’.... blah blah)

After a couple of questions you did a fun activity with Jimmy where you created a funny sketch similar to the ones on SNL, you followed the lines on the promter and it came out to be a really funny and light activity to interlude the show. Then after a small break you went back to your seats and continued the Q&A.

“It's crazy, y/n’s latest album is the number one album in the country and she also holds the first, second and third spots for the billboard top 100 hits. You even broke a record for this, to being the youngest and first woman to ever achieve this.” Jimmy said as you smiled and looked at the cheering crowd. “Its crazy, I never thought one day I could even hold a place in the top 100, and now I actually hold 3 places plus another 1st place for album of the country, Thank you all so much for supporting me, this would've happened if it wasn't for all of the people who supported my music, Thank you for giving my music a chance.”

“So actually the next billboard award show is tomorrow, and y/n, we heard you are going to be performing.. is that so?” Jimmy smoothly transitioned form question to question, topic from topic. “Yeah I was blessed to not only be nominated for an award but to also be invited to perform for the ceremony, I am so excited, It is an honor, it not my first time performing at the billboard’s but I have so much fun every time, hopefully the audience will like my performance and the other guest performers of the night, I can’t wait.

“What are you performing tomorrow y/n?”, “Shhh it’s a surprise Jimmy, I can give you a little spoiler, I am performing one of my new album’s songs, it is one of my favorite songs on it” You smoothly avoided actually answering what song you would be performing tomorrow. “Mhm okay how about you tell me in secret during the commercial break I have to know…” Jimmy insisted “Sure Jimmy I’ll tell you”. “Okay so guys let's go to a short commercial break, but don’t leave cause when we are back y/n will be performing live, don't you miss it!” Jimmy said and waved with you as the producer called for the commercial break. 

After the commercial break you got to perform one of your hit songs next to your back up dancers, you let yourself go to the music and enjoyed the performance; you really got lost in the music and dancing every time you had an audience, you loved this so much. After your performance you received a standing ovation form the people present on set, Jimmy went over from his seat to you, he congratulated and complimented you. He then guided you to your seat and gave you some water; he made some ads/sponsorship bits while you grabbed some air and while Meg retouched your hair and makeup while the cameras weren’t on you.

Jimmy then came back after another small break to proceed with the interview: “So y/n I actually wanted to talk to you about something really big” you made a face at Jimmy’s word choices (you had somewhat of a dirty mind) “Hahahaha, Don't make that face y/n, it's not what you think… God.. what a dirty mind you have; I meant I wanted to talk to you about something that recently happened and I’m sure everyone wants to have an update on'' Jimmy made himself clear. “Hahahaha oh, okay sure, tell me” 

“A couple of months ago you went viral on social media after you talked about BTS on one of your episodes, and your fans and ARMYs went crazy, not gonna lie even I got excited” As soon as you heard Jimmy say “BTS'' your face dropped making the audience giggle at your reaction, you started to get anxious. “Hah-, um yeah that happened, I didn't expect for it to become such a big thing tbh Jimmy” you said.

“So in the episode you got asked by one of your fans something about how you would want to meet them or something and you mentioned how you would like to meet then on a talk show… like this one” Jimmy said with a smug expression taking over his face. You quickly spoke before he could say something else “Omg Jimmy stop, I swear if I look behind this couch and BTS is hiding behind it I will have a heart attack, please don't play with me, I’m not ready, stop that''

 The crowd and Jimmy laughed at your cute panic. “Don’t worry y/n, no, I swear they are not there” Jimmy treasured. “IDK MAN, I’m gonna look behind the couch….” you dared; “Go ahead y/n” Jimmy fired back; this made you more nervous, you made a ‘I’m tough’ face at Jimmy and moved your body sideways, “If there is someone behind here I will run Jimmy, I. WILL. RUN. I don’t know where or how far but I will run out..” Jimmy and the audience laughed again and stopped as you looked behind the couch….. and…… there behind the couch…… there was…….. nothing. You started laughing as you went back to your original sitting position, the audience looking curiously at you. “Hahahaha ahhhh there is nothing there” whipping some laughing tears off the inner corner of your eyes you looked at Jimmy who was too laughing at you. “I told you y/n! ahahahah”

Jimmy looked at the camera and directed to the audience “For the people who don’t know what we are talking about and/or haven't seen y/n’s latest episode we have some clips for you” You looked at Jimmy and at the crew wanting to refuse due to your embarrassment, you felt exposed. The video played on the screen, the screen was split so that while the episode clips showed on screen your reaction could also be seen at the same time. Only a small trailer was played, which made you confused, you thought they would play the clips where you deeply talk about BTS…

The video stopped and the audience clapped, “Well that's just a small trailer of the full episode if anyone would like to go over and watch it it was pretty fun… I really enjoy ‘y/n’s camera roll’ episodes, I highly recommend” you smiled and appreciated the free proportion but you went anxious again as Jimmy spoke, “But y/n I actually have a small surprise for you, actually BTS saw your episode and reacted to it on camera…” You went stiff…. he said what???? BTS saw your video? they learned who your where?.... wait. THEY SAW THE VIDEO????? THEY SAW YOU FANGIRLING OVER THEM AND THIRSTING OVER JK AND HERD YOUR STUPID FANTASY????

 “OMG Jimmy no…. AHHH no….” You said as realization dawned on you and you covered your face with your hands.

“oh y/n yes… and we have the video of their reaction here, for the first time ever, an exclusive for the Tonight Show…. watch the screen y/n'' The screen was again split to show your reaction + the video. You lifted your face from your hands and held on to Jimmy’s hand on the desk, bracing yourself for further embarrassment and probable rejection. The video played: 

(BTS reacting to your episode. {the bullet points are your ‘present day’ reactions to BTS reacting to you})

The video started . “Oi, it’s y/n'' Jin immediately said as soon as your face appeared on their screen, “Is this a new episode?” Jimin asked out loud, “Wait what day is it? they normally go up on Friday, did we miss it?” Taehyung spoke.

“OMG no way, they know who I am, omg I’m crying Jimmy” You actually started tearing up and Jimmy squished your hands tighter as he read the subtitles added (you understood Korean).

“Hello everyone welcome to another episode of…. f** I don't even know what we call these videos, jajajaja” “Wait what?... jajajajaja omg guys thank you, I'm so sorry, yeah you heard them, welcome back to y/n’s camera roll, I can’t believe I forgot that, anyway today’s episode is a little different……” the boys chuckle at your genuine personality “hahaha gwiyeoun” (haha cute) Suga added, J-Hope agreeing with him as he gave Suga a piece of the food he was having. Kookie was currently watching the screen not even blinking, he hadn’t taken a bite out of his noodles or a sip out of his banana milk, Jimin noticed and pointed at him looking back at the guys with a silent laugh.

You kept crying and making faces reacting to them every time they spoke

“Hi, y/n, can I ask you another question?” “I saw that you liked an instagram post about BTS a while back uploaded by a fan account and I also saw that you actually follow their personal twitter account. ALSO in your behind the scenes video for your music video shoot you can be seen in the background dancing the Boy with luv choreo. So I wanted to ask if you were an ARMY and if you know them personally? and like should we be expecting a collaboration soon?”

“No way….Omg what she says she hates us” Jimin said. “Imagine if she said she hates us, is this why you guys are making us watch this?” Suga looked  at the staff.

“OMG I could never, NO omg how could I hate them” you commented wiping away your tears and back to squeezing Jimmy’s stretched hand on the desk

 “Can we keep watching hyungs…” Jungkook said looking around at the others, a bit desperate to find out what you said next. “Oi, wouldn't you want to know guki…” Jin teased him, wiggling his eyebrows and slapping the back of his head playfully. Before Jungkook could fight back RM reached over them and pressed play, preventing a ‘playful’ fight between the youngest and oldest member to take place.

You froze at the interaction between Jungkook and Jin… but kept watching not wanting to overthink it.

“OMG hahaha I love you so much, what an amazing question, Okay so first off no I don’t know them personally and sadly no plans of collaboration are on sight. Oh wow I have never been asked if I liked BTS before, I’m excited hahaha. Yeah I am an ARMY, I love them so much I am one of their biggest fans, and they are also one of my biggest inspirations when it comes to work ethic and professionalism, listening to them or watching them gives me motivation to keep doing what I love, which is this. anyway I am rambling I should stop; you guys can say y/n stop whenever I start rambling okay? hahaha''

RM stood up with hands on his head; Jin and J-Hope held on to each other with their mouths wide open looking at the screen; V was still sitting in the same spot, frozen, as if he was paused in time along with the now paused screen; Suga stood up with his hands on his mouth bouncing his knees lightly; Jimin reached to RM behind him and stretched his arms out with a ‘Did you hear that?’ expression; Jungkook leaned over the table and pulled the screen closer, he was smiling from ear to ear letting out a small “wow” under his breath, then he replayed your answer to listen to it one more time, rereading the subtitles under the video making sure he did not miss any words.

You chuckled at their individual reactions and resumed your crying at their reactions because you couldn’t believe they knew you and could be so cute towards a video of you

 “y/n Okay so, who is your favorite member?” “Well first off, I don't have a favorite member. I really mean it when I say this. I love them all equally and I love them all as a group. I don’t prefer one over the other or like one better.  I really do support them equally. I mean there is nothing wrong with having a bias, as long as you also respect the other members, hope that all made sense lol” Everyone seemed moved by your support towards them and nodded.

Again the boys reacted, they were so surprised they paused again and walked back and forth making sounds of excitement

Jimmy smiled proudly at you and helped you wipe a tear with a tissue 

“Y/n so you don’t have a favorite, but do you have a crush on any of them?, like if you could date one of them right now, which one do you pick?” A fan asked. “okay...well...Like I said just to be clear I don't have favorites amongst the group members, but I do have a type…. I consider one of them to be my celebrity crush”......“So in that case, if I had to pick someone that I would date in real life...i would say…. Jungkook” 

You put your forehead on Jimmy’s desk, you felt embarrassed, you knew what was coming, the audience was also reacting along and they got super excited at this part. You were scared over what BTS would think/say about this.

The. Guys. Went. Nuts. Jungkook immediately stood up and lifted his hands up in the air as if he had won an award, he paused the video and started smiling like crazy; 

A staff member spoke to Jungkook on the video : “How do you feel Jungkook?” He lifted his face from his hands and ran his fingers through his hair, his eyes were glossy and his smile wide. “I-I don't know what to say, I can’t believe it,” he said as he sat down looking  at the pause screen, looking at your still image. His hyungs patted him on the back; Jimin turned his head to the staff as he was rubbing JK’s back with one hand, “You know Jungook has had the biggest crush on y/n for so long now” Jimin told the staff. 

you completely froze, you started shaking, Jimmy was looking at you happily, the audience was going crazy, even the crew was invested in the k-drama worthy content. You went numb, you kept looking at the screen frozen.

Jungkook looked up and spoke to the staff: “Yeah I remember listening to her debut song for the longest time without really thinking about who the artist was. When her first studio album broke records I decided to look her up, I watched a video of her talking about the album and her experience as a new artist and I think ever since then I have had a crush on her; she is my ideal type”

Everyone was going crazy in the Tonight Show studio. EVEN Jimmy let go of you and stood up pacing around his desk, no one was expecting this. You came out of your trance as Jimmy shook you and you wiped more tears clouding your vision.

“Why is she your ideal type?” a staff member in the back asked JK. “Ha. um. well  I think my ideal type of girl is someone who is funny and has a bright and cool personality; someone who as soon as they step into a room they immediately light it up; someone who is goofy and isn't afraid to become a joke or mess up; A confident person; someone who isn't too girly or too boyish; someone who likes to learn new  things and from who I can learn new things too; someone who is younger than me; Someone who loves dancing and singing a lot, etc. And y/n is kinda all that and more tbh; 

You felt like you were dreaming… Totally forgetting you were on live television. The butterflies in your stomach felt more like birds. your heart pounding out of your chest and body glued to your seat.

The video of you time skipped again to the ‘fantasy’ answer’: “Okay so, my literal fantasy is to one day meet them at a talk show, you know how hosts like to surprise their guests with something/someone they like?, I believe Ellen has done it multiple times where she surprised a guest with their idol or celebrity crush, you know?” The group nodded, invested in your fake scenario “Well i would be invited to like the Jimmy Fallon Show, where he would just randomly surprise me with BTS. Then I would be given the opportunity to introduce myself and tell them how much I love and support them. I would also be able to show them my korean speaking skills, I learned Korean and Spanish back in school and I have never been able to actually use either them, lol, anyway...well after that we would all become really good friends, and we would collaborate and put out one or multiple songs for you guys. I mean that's basically it, I wish I could meet them, and become their friend and write songs with them, even produce songs with Suga or RM if I could'' 

you cringed at the sound of your voice, you were so embarrassed. The audience, crew and Jimmy found this and your reaction to be so adorable.

“What???? does she speak korean?” / “OMG Jungkook is she speaks korean marry her” / “OMG I wanna meet her now”  / “That's so cute” / “She is so cool” 

oMg, even after the video stopped you kept crying and sobbing, it almost felt like you had made it in life, you curled into a ball, you didn't care if you were live or not.

(end of video, camera was back to you and Jimmy only)

“y/n this is amazing, this was my first time watching the video too, how do you feel, hahahaha stop crying this is good y/n” He rubbed your hand and passed you a new tissue from his desk. You cleaned yourself up and accepted a new water bottle from a crew assistant.

“I- I’m at a loss for words Jimmy, I cannot even process it; I love them so much hahaha” You sniffed and looked at Jimmy innocently. “By the way I am so sorry for crying like this, ew I’m a mess right now, I so sorry for anyone watching” 

“No no, you are good, your fans love you and love to see the real you; right guys?” Jimmy said looking at the crowd and once again they all cheered for you, this made you happy and you smiled again. “Thank You all so much, thank you to anyone involved in the making of this reaction video and this segment of the show AND FOR WHOEVER ADDED THE SUBTITLES FOR THE STUDIO hahaha, I am so happy, I want to keep crying but I will compose myself for now and once I go home cry some more hahaha” 

“Y/N so obviously you are an ARMY, would you mind playing a small game with me?...” You nodded at Jimmy. “Okay so after the break we will be back  with y/n, and she will prove how big of an ARMY she actually is…”

Another commercial break was called, Meg again came over and cleaned you up, she fixed your hair and makeup and then made you change into some sneakers (you performed in heels), fresh sweatpants and a shirt that compliment your figure. Your manager told you that for the next segment you needed comfy clothes. You had so much in your mind right now you didn’t even question it.

“Okayyy and we are back everybody, so right now as you can see y/n has changed into a more sporty outfit, right y/n?” you looked at him and at the camera and answered back. “Yeah, i’m in my natural form now” you said as you modeled your comfy wear

“So today I will put your BTS knowledge to the test, I will play a snippet of a BTS song, to your right you have two buttons ‘dance button’ or ‘sing’ button; you can either dance to the part being played when you hit the dance button or keep singing the song if your hit the ‘sing’ button.” Jimmy challenged you as he explained the next activity, to the left of you a small table with both buttons and a mic was set up, you accepted and started the challenge; the game went like this; Dynamite, dance; Mic Drop, dance; No more dream, dance; Daechwita, sing/rap; the crowd was super hyped and Jimmy was loving your energy and the way you executed the songs perfectly, suddenly you recognized Euphoria being played, you clicked the sing button and you started to complete the lyrics as the music was switched to ‘karaoke mode’… you started to sing and suddenly you heard a voice behind you singing with you, and you couldn’t even turn around to prove yourself you were not mistaken, you knew that voice too well, the live audience was losing it, the crew looked excited, you went numb, you looked back and it seemed like a joke, a complete dream…..

The seven guys were coming out from behind the curtain, being led by Jungkook, he was singing the bridge of the song, mic in hand and just looking at you. Your knees gave out and you curled on your knees as you cried on your knees, ‘there is no way’, you could even begin to process what was going on, The boys were a little shy and stayed behind you as Jimmy lifted you from the floor and made you look at them.....

----

PART 4 > HERE

AHhhh I love this part hahahhaha

Hope you liked it. PArt 4 is up; please give me a lil <3 if you liked this. :) Xx

[dynyamight]

meet cute number 47 is interesting!

send me a writting ask

47. Texting the incorrect number but continuing the conversation.

“You got all that, right?” Shinsou asks, readjusting his stance, so others can leave their classroom door easily.

Midoriya hums absentmindedly. He’s still quickly jotting down the last few digits onto his planner. “And, you said tomorrow morning, around 7? At the library?”

“Yeah,” Shinsou shrugs, “Or anytime really. The deadline isn’t until next month, you know.”

“I kinda just want to get it done, as soon as possible.”

Shinsou breathes out a snort. “Figured you’d say that much. Just make sure you got my number. Repeat it, if you need to.”

“No time.” Midoriya drops his bag to the side, shoving his now closed notebook inside. “Thank you! I’ll text you later tonight!” He offers hurriedly, before taking off down the campus halls.

Shinsou’s warning falls deaf to his rushed mind.

He has to run the entire way, in order to graciously catch the last bus for the hour. Sweaty and flushed, Midoriya slumps into his seat in relief. Fortunately, he was able to cop a seat for himself, settling by the window and his backpack right next to him.

Staring out, Midoriya tries to remind himself of the rest of his priorities he needed to do.

He still needed to start on Doctor Chiyo’s online Physiology exam, and gather his notes for the open book portion. It was a bit bothersome to handle tests online, but if the rest of class prefers it, there’s nothing Midoriya can do about it.

Speaking of which, Ochako had requested for copies of those exact same notes, since apparently she barely writes anything during lectures. He wants to suggest to her to just simply take better notes, but alas, he will gladly help her out.

And, finally, Midoriya has to collect reliable, approved research articles for his and Shinsou’s debate, in their argumentative project in Communications. Being assigned “PRO SOCIAL MEDIA INFLUENCE”, while being the most uninvolved people on the internet, Midoriya and Shinsou had a lot of work to do.

Not to mention it was already 18:00 by the time he reached the school’s dormitories. And yet, he needed to shower, make dinner, water his plants, and watch the newest episode of his favorite drama, airing tonight.

University was eating him alive.

Thankfully, he’s able to complete half of his list.

He finishes the exam with a 98%, and quickly snaps the pages of his notes over to Ochako and Iida, making sure to highlight the main topics questioned in the exam. Ochako sends a ‘thank you’ gif, and Iida texts a long, yet endearing message of gratitude.

Midoriya doesn’t have time to shower, instead blasting the TV volume loud, as he waters his indoor plants at the same time. He overwaters them a little bit, busy glancing back at the screen for too long. But, at least he’s able to watch the episode. He pouts when it ends on a cliffhanger, almost drowning his bonsai tree in frustration.

He’s only able to warm up a plate of leftovers, and read through only one research article, by the time it’s already blinking 21:30 on his phone. Sighing, Midoriya closes his laptop and grabs his cell phone instead.

An all nighter wasn’t preferable. But, if Shinsou is working overtime at his late night job, Midoriya supposes he can stay up and keep looking through more articles, until he has at least the required ten.

Flipping open his planner, Midoriya inputs Shinsou’s number into his phone. He adds his name, a contact photo of him sleeping, and finally taps a quick message.

(21:38) < You working?

When Shinsou doesn’t respond right away, Midoriya simply sets aside his phone on his desk. Stretching his arms, he sighs in defeat, now expecting Shinsou to be stuck at work.

He’s never worked at a restaurant, but he bets Friday nights can get pretty busy. And, Shinsou always complains that group outings and dates tend to stay over, even after the place is supposed to close. And, Midoriya trusts his word.

So, by the time his phone dings, Midoriya has been clicking through more articles on social media, bookmarking a few to go over later, as he went.

He lifts his phone, and with a bright screen, a message stares back at him.

shinsou hitoshi (21:58) > Who’s this

Oh, he did forget to specify. But, Midoriya smiles, having a small prank in mind. There was no harm in teasing his friends, let alone Shinsou, who definitely needed a good laugh, now and then.

(21:58) < It's the cutie from your communications class ;)

shinsou hitoshi (21:58) > So, no one

(21:59) < Haha! I guess you’re right about that

(21:59) < Anyways, it’s Izuku! You still working late, Hitoshi?

shinsou hitoshi (21:59) > This ain’t Hitoshi

Midoriya's face drops, blinking. Oh god, did he mistype the number?

(21:38) < Wait, you’re not???

Another text pops up, shortly after.

shinsou hitoshi (22:02) > You got the wrong number

Embarrassment burning his entire face red, Midoriya wishes he could delete himself from the world.

(22:03) < I’m so so so so sorry!

(22:03) < God, I thought I wrote down my friend’s number right

(22:03) < But, I was in this stupid rush to get on the bus that I didn’t make sure

(22:04) < And, listen, if I had missed that bus, I would’ve had to wait

(22:04) < Not like a few minutes wait

(22:04) < Like, a whole two hours wait!

shinsou hitoshi (22:05) > I didn’t ask

Deleting the conversation, Midoriya erases the new contact completely. And instead, he looks back to his planner, and retypes the numbers in his phone onto a new conversation.

Hopefully, he has typed the correct series of digits.

(22:07) < Hey, Hitoshi! It’s Izuku

unknown (22:08) > ...

unknown (22:08) > What the actual fuck

unknown (22:08) > You've still got the wrong number, you goddamn idiot

Slamming his phone onto his desk, Midoriya grabs a pillow off his bed and shoves it in his face. The temptation to scream sounds awfully pleasant, but it’s too late at night to do so. His dorm neighbors would definitely wonder what the hell is wrong with him.

What’s wrong? Oh, he has completely done one of the most dreaded imaginary scenarios in his head; text a complete stranger. Twice.

What was he supposed to do now? Never text back? Delete it? Block it?

How is he supposed to contact Shinsou now?

His phone dings again.

Lifting the pillow off his face slightly, Midoriya eyes his phone warily from his swivel chair.

That definitely wasn’t supposed to happen. Another text from the same stranger sounds a bit unheard of.

After a seconds-long hesitation, Midoriya lifts his phone and opens it once more.

unknown (22:13) > Double check next time

unknown (22:13) > You can fucking wait the two hours, dumbass

Midoriya grows a little irked. He has a bad feeling that his stranger isn’t too friendly, to say that least.

There was literally no reason to text back something so rude.

(22:14) < Well, that wasn’t nice

unknown (22:15) > Wasn’t trying to be

(22:15) < ..Are you always like this?

unknown (22:16) > Pretty much

(22:16) < That’s sad

unknown (22:17) > What’s fucking sad is that I was woken up from my sleep

unknown (22:17) > Because a damn moron didn’t write down the right number

Midoriya winces. He hadn’t even thought about the other person’s predicament, let alone if he had interrupted anything.

(22:20) > I really didn’t mean to do that, I’m sorry :(

unknown (22:22) > Yeah whatever

(22:24) > You should try to go back to sleep, then

unknown (22:25) > I was

unknown (22:25) > But the same moron from before keeps texting me

(22:27) > Who?

(22:33) > Oh.

(22:33) > It’s me, huh?

unknown (22:34) > No shit

(22:35) > Right, of course. My bad!

(22:35) > I’m going to just stop now

unknown (22:36) > Thanks

(22:36) > For the umpteenth time, sorry! ><

(22:37) > Okay, Okay! I’m stopping now, for real

Midoriya desperately needs to call it a night.

After going through his nightly routine, he slips under his bedsheets, exhausted. He sets an alarm for 5:00 on his phone, hoping Shinsou will show up at the library, regardless of the missing confirmation text on Midoriya’s end.

He keeps his phone on awhile longer, swiping through his professors’ emails, before a surprising text notification pops in front of him.

unknown (23:01) > FUCK YOU FUCK YOU

(23:02) > …

(23:02) > What was that for??

unknown (23:04) > I CAN’T SLEEP

unknown (23:04) > GOD, I CAN’T GO BACK TO FUCKING SLEEP

unknown (23:05) > AND IT’S YOUR FAULT

(23:06) > What do you expect me to do????

unknown (23:07) > HAHAHAHA OH DON’T WORRY

unknown (23:07) > IF I CAN’T SLEEP, NEITHER CAN YOU

unknown (23:08) > AND IF YOU TURN YOUR PHONE OFF I WILL SEND HELLFIRE

(23:09) > Wait

(23:09) > No, please

(23:09) > My alarm is on my phone, I need it on

(23:10) > I need to go to an important meeting for a group project at 7:00!

unknown (23:10) > Aw, really? :0?!

(23:11) > Yeah! I really do!

unknown (23:11) > Sike. I don’t fucking care

unknown (23:12) > Hope you eat shit tomorrow

(23:13) > ..Why are you like this?

(23:13) > I could literally be a twelve year old, for all you know

unknown (23:14) > I doubt fucking twelve years do group projects

unknown (23:15) > But whether you’re a damn infant, or grown adult, I hate you

(23:16) > I wouldn’t say I hate you. That’s too harsh

(23:16) > But, wow, you are very unlikable :/

unknown (23:17) > That’s the fucking nicest thing anyone has said about me

(23:18) > It wasn’t supposed

(23:19) > Nevermind.

(23:19) > Do you have any friends? Just might as well ask

unknown (23:21) > Surprisingly yeah

(23:22) > Oh, so you also agree. That it’s a surprise

(23:22) > At least you’re self aware :0

unknown (23:23) > Yeah, they are annoying as hell

unknown (23:24) > But, also pretty good people, I guess

(23:25) > Pretty good or pretty dumb?

unknown (23:26) > SHUT IT

unknown (23:27) > Only I can make fun of them

unknown (23:27) > You. Don’t.

(23:28) > You’re right, I shouldn’t have said that

(23:29) > I’m sorry :(

unknown (23:30) > You like apologizing, huh

(23:29) > There’s a lot to apologize for tonight

unknown (23:30) > Still, you don’t have to say it every damn minute

(23:32) > You probably don’t ever apologize

unknown (23:33) > Fuck no

(23:35) > Right, of course

(23:36) > Well, you know what I need to do tomorrow

unknown (23:37) > Unfortunately

(23:38) > What about you?

unknown (23:39) > I’m covering a shift at my shit job at the ass crack of dawn

(23:40) > Unnecessary visual, but I digress

(23:40) > Uh, where do you work?

unknown (23:42) > No. I don’t even know your damn name

(23:43) > I told you?? It was in my first text

unknown (23:44) > Yeah, I ain’t scrolling

(23:48) > Well, it’s Izuku. Midoriya Izuku :)

unknown (23:49) > Great. I still ain’t giving you mine

(23:50) > ?? Is there anything I can know about you??

(23:50) > You know more about me, than I do about you

unknown (23:51) > You know I hate you

unknown (23:51) > That’s plenty

(23:52) > But, I have been staying up for you :(

unknown (23:53) > Because it’s your fault I can’t sleep

(23:54) > You aren’t feeling sleepy yet?

unknown (23:56) > ..Are you

(23:57) > I asked you first

unknown (23:58) > I asked you second

(23:59) > That

(23:59) > Look, it’s almost midnight

(24:00) > Oh, now, it’s actually midnight

unknown (00:01) > I have fucking eyes. I can see the time

(00:02) > And we BOTH have places to be tomorrow

(00:02) > So, let’s just sleep. Call a truce, please

unknown (00:03) > What about my petty retribution

(00:04) > PLEASE LET ME SLEEP

unknown (00:10) > FUCK

unknown (00:10) > FINE

unknown (00:11) > I STILL CAN’T SLEEP BUT WHATEVER

unknown (00:12) > HOPE YOU FUCKING OVERSLEEP TOMORROW

The rest of the night, Midoriya hears his phone go off, but he doesn’t bother to open the messages. Fortunately for him, the time staying awake quickly catches up to his body, the moment he shuts his eyes. And, in an instant, he falls asleep, heavy.

However, he’s jolted awake by the ringing of his phone, the tone alerting him of an incoming phone call. Banging his head on the headboard, Midoriya blindly grabs and answers his phone. “Uh, H-Hello?” He blurts quickly.

“Tch.” A low voice emits, “You owe me, Deku.”

Click. The phone call ends.

Confused, Midoriya hurriedly rubs his eyes open. Running his messy curls through his fingers, he lifts his bangs up, in order to correctly look at the time.

The time was 5:10. And, his 5:00 alarm had been off the entire time.

And, instead, that same unknown number from last night was his saving grace.

[heloflor]

Started watching Wander over Yonder this week and is currently halfway through season 2 (yeah I am VERY late to the party). Unless people start asking me about the show, this is going to be my only post about it because there’s honestly only one thing that I want to comment on :

Given how season 1 is episodic with no real continuity, given the art style of some places, the variety in the characters designs, the smooth animation, the bonus storyboards in the credits and the witty writing, it really feels like the people behind the show are just a group who wanted to have fun with their creativity and used a TV show as a catalyst. And it’s great !

Note that I have no idea how the production of this show went. For all I know, it could have been production hell.

But from the way the show is, it really feels as if the Craig McCracken hired a team of writers, artists, etc, had a meeting with all of them and went “Alright so here’s my idea for a show about a joyful orange furball and his badass Yoshi best friend travelling across space and going on wacky adventures, with a recurring skeleton villain and his eyeballs army. Now, what do you guys want to see these characters do ?”, and then they left the team go haywire.

There are quite a few episodes that gives off this impression. The best examples being “The Void” or that one scene in “The Matchmaker” with a succession of different title cards. There’s even stuff like “The Box” with the dream sequence + all the different aliens we get to see.

Special mention to “The Breakfast” in which they tell two stories in one by splitting the screen and it’s incredibly well done ! The characters saying the same thing at the same time, one character leaving one screen at the same time another enters the other, the music working for both scenes, when a lot is happening on one screen, nothing happens on the other so that we don’t miss a thing, the short reverse at the end…I heard that the show got an Annie for this episode and honestly it truly deserves it !

And if you want my general point of view of the show : it’s really good and fun ! It gives me a bit of a Spongebob vibe at times but I see this as a good thing. Though, if there’s one complains to make, it’s that a lot and I mean a LOT of stories in season 1 start with Wonder disregarding Sylvia, to her annoyance and dismay. And most often than not, Sylvia’s the one who ends up suffering. At the very least, there are also quite a few episodes in which Wander gets hurt as well, so it at least tries a little to balance it out. Though things could definitely be better for that poor girl.

I also really like how it’s one of these shows in which the creator went to Disney executives, asked if he could make queer characters, got no as an answer and so decided to go ahead and make queer characters anyways.

 (Side note : the episode “The Nice Guy” is an absolute autistic mood. Like, obviously Wander shows neurodivergent traits in basically every episode but this one in particular really hits home.

I mean : letting people get in before him, trying to find the exact same drink as the one Sylvia asked and not knowing what to do when he doesn’t find it, not wanting to bother the cashier and waiting to be noticed to talk to him, telling the cashier the entire context behind getting a drink instead of immediately going to the point, asking if he can mix drinks in the machine and asking several times just to be absolutely sure, trying to make sure the drink has the exact correct proportions, finding a penny and immediately asking if it belongs to anyone, going to the end of the queue even when he’s the very first because he doesn’t want to bother and likes to help, cleaning one part of the floor and then ending up doing the whole thing because it’s not the same anymore, feeling bad for the kid and giving her the drink.

Like, who am I watching here ? A random cartoon character or 10 years-old me trying to get their shit together ?

I swear the most surprising thing about this episode has to be the fact that not once did Wander try to fix the bumpy mat, especially after seeing someone trip and almost fall because of it.)

[coffeecakefanfics]

The 1,001 Clichés of A Teenage Romance (Peter Parker x Fem!Reader)

Studying with Ned was nothing new to Peter, but actually stopping by ‘Kay’s Coffee and bakery’ for coffee was.  The coffee shop sat two buildings down from his apartment and Aunt May would stop in before work every morning.  With her day off she asked Peter and Ned to run and get her a coffee and whatever they’d like.  

It was a typical coffee shop, the walls were painted a muted cream and the tables were a beautiful sturdy oak.  There were pictures of New York plastered on the wall along with a big picture of the “Kay” family.  Behind the counter was a menue board along with a black board with the desserts of the day scribbled in pink and yellow chalk.  

“Good morning, welcome to Kay’s Coffee and Bakery where every cup is brewed fresh and every baked good is homemade how can I help yo- Oh hey I know you two from school,”  The girl stood behind the counter.  She had a smile on her face.  She wore a plain black long sleeve with a small Kay’s logo on the left breast.  The half apron she wore was black and the name tag was pinned to the top ‘Y/N’

“We have Calc, bio, and english together and im pretty sure we share a lunch break too,” she beamed.

“Oh yeah you’re in drama and on the volleyball team right?” Ned kind of lit up.

“Yup, and i’m in knowledge bowl, student council, and they’re trying to get me to join prom planning,” she kind of laughed. Peter recognized her alright, she was the top hitter on the volleyball team, he remembers watching her last season with MJ. 

“You stay busy then?” Peter piped up this time.

“Well I mean between school, clubs, and work i’m surprised I have time for anything else,” She took a deep breath at that. “So, what can I get you guys?”

“I need an,” Peter looked at the text May had sent him, “Iced French Vanilla with Extra Extra Cream and white chocolate syrup and a coffee cake muffin” he finished and peeked up at the girl who was already brewing the drink. 

“So you’re the famous nephew huh?” she teased as she poured the creamer into the cup. Peters face went flush and he started to stutter

“I-well I uh”

“It’s fine, I think it’s sweet.  She tells me how good you take care of her and the trouble you get in to.  It’s honestly one of my favorite parts of my morning.  Everyone else is suuuch a drag,” She laughed and slid the drink and muffin across the counter. “Anything else?”

“We don’t really drink coffee,” Peter turned to Ned. “do you want anything?”

“Yeah can I have a hot chocolate?”  He asked.

“Of course, plain or with extras, extras are free of charge except espresso shots”

“However you like it is fine”

“alright that’ll be $8.27 thank you,” she took the cash, gave them change and went to making the drink. 

“May We’re back” Peter called into the apartment.  May came almost running from the couch to grab her coffee. 

“You are a life saver,” she kissed the top of his head.

“Come oonn” he gently pushed her back.

“Where’s Ned?”

“He had to go home, something about a new episode of a show, I don’t know” He flopped onto the chair cockeyed to the couch.

“She’s cute right?” May smirked and set her drink down.

“I mean yeah, She’s pretty, but she’s also popular,” he shrugged. 

“Peter, baby, she has a job and a full ride to MIT, not to mention she likes a lot of the same dorky stuff you do,” she shifted and looked at him. “You haven’t been on a date in years Pete, why not go now?” she poked.

“She probably already has someone, I mean she is popular, remember?”

“I think you should go for it, get out of the house,” The conversation ended there. Peter laid in bed that night thinking about how he’d spot her in class or in the halls.  She was pretty, but she was also busy, he didn’t want to mess with her schedule. 

Lunch rooms are the devil, they’re clique filled and loud, but the only time he can actually talk to his friends. 

“Come on you KNOW that padme just lost the will to live,” How the topic started none of them new all they new was Peter and Ned were going at it again and MJ wanted out. “Dude she just gave up, her husband joined the darkside, face the facts”

“Actually, Palpatine took her life force for Anakin, Padme was a strong woman who fought for what was right, she wouldn’t just leave her babies alone,” Y/n jumped in and sat next to MJ. Ned and Peter looked at each other and back at the girl.

“What i’m popular not uncultured,” she laughed. “Okay MJ I need some serious help with knowledge bowl studying”

“Y/n, I love you, I do, but I’m busy this week, I have a ton of homework because Mr. Braun decided to be a dick, I’m sorry,” MJ spoke remorsefully.

“My meet is monday, it’s going to decide who goes to state, is there no way you can help,” Y/n pleaded with her friend.

“I’m sorry, I am, but I can’t fail this class”

“You’re right I’m sorry, if you need help studying or doing homework i’ll help you” She smiled and went to stand. 

“Peter can help,” Ned blurted

“I can?” Peter turned his head sharply.

“He can, he has a stark internship until 6 but after that he’s free,” Ned motioned with his eyes from Peter to the Girl.  

“I-uh-I, yeah I can help,” he stuttered and flushed.

“Peter you really don’t have to,” she gave him a sympathetic look.

“Yeah no, it’s uh, no problem,” he smiled awkwardly.

“You just saved my life, I owe you.  I’ll meet you at the coffee shop and we can go to my place after okay?” she beamed.  Peter liked her smile, it was bright. 

“Of course” he grinned. 

“Y/N, Game plan!” One of the other girls called.

“Sorry, I have to go but tonight at 6,” she lit up as she grabbed her tray and jogged over to her friends.

“What the fuck?” peter turned to Ned.

“I saw how you looked at her at the coffee shop, and you haven’t been on a date in years. it’s my job as a wing man to help you get dates,” Ned shrugged and took a bite of the sandwich in front of him. Peter sighed and pulled his phone out.

P:Hey May, I’m helping a friend study I won’t be home till late

M:You’re not patrolling are you?

P:No, I’m seriously helping a friend study

M:Stay safe, I sent you $10 for dinner <3

The streets were dim when Peter walked up to the shop.  She stood locking the door.

“Hey” He called.

“Peter Hi,” she grinned and waved. 

“So um, y-your place?” he tugged at his straps. 

“Yeah, I live in those apartments right there,” she nodded at the building two doors down.

“Wait, what? so do I, how come I never see you?” he turns to her. 

“I usually take the fire escape home, I hate walking through the lobby, and I can sneak in without having to talk to my family,” she laughed. “Not that they’re bad people, I just get over worked and don’t want to take it out on them” they walked into the lobby and got in the elevator.

“Don’t worry about them being home, I live with my dad and he’s on a business trip,” she unlocked the door and let Peter walk in.  It was cleanly decorated with neutral greys, whites and blacks. 

“This is nice,” he lets his eyes wander the apartment.

“Yeah, it’s how my mom liked it,” she smiled sadly.  Peter remembers it happening, it was one of the attacks on New York, The avengers couldn’t get everyone out in time, 3 people had died that day.

“I’m sorry for your loss”

“I’m not, she’s why I do what I do” The girl smiles and kicks her shoes off, “my room is back here, it’s way cooler than this,” she laughs and drags him to her room.  Warm LED lights illuminate the room.  Peter spins and looks at all the posters and figurines scattered around the room.  The walls are decorated with posters of various animes and shows. He turns to the tv stand and sees shelves full of games. 

“Told you I’m cultured,” she teases and sits on the bed. Peter sits next to her.  She pulls out her laptop and plugs a flash drive into it. 

“So this will give you questions and the answer, I get a point if I get it right,” she smiles and spins the screen to him. “thanks for doing this, by the way,” she adjusts and holds a decorative pillow to her chest.

They had been at this for nearly two hours she was growing frustrated and uneasy.

“Who wrote A farewell to Arms?”

“Hemmingway” she looed pleadingly

“Yes,” he beamed and went to click next.

“I can’t anymore, I’m done,” she flopped back on the bed. “This sucks” she yells muffled by her pillow.

“Then why keep doing it?” he closes the laptop. She sits up and pushes her hair out of her face. 

“That is a topic for a different level of friendship,” she smirks and looks him over.  She had had a crush on him forever, and by forever she means since last year.  She admired how his eyes kind of drifted around the room. 

“Do you need to go home yet?” she asked. His eyes jumped back to her and locked. 

“No, I live two floors down so it’ll only take a minute to get home”

“Do you want to play a game or watch a movie?” she asked, getting up and grabbing the controller. His face kind of flushed. “A-a movie is fine”

“What? scared I’ll kicked your ass or something?” she smirked.

“No way I just don’t want to make you cry when I beat you,” he joked cockily with her.

“Oh you’re on Parker, Injustice 2?” she looked back at him and he nodded.

“Black Canary is way to OP this is bullshit,” Peter throws his hands up. Y/N laid laughing at him.  His phone cut the laughter short.

“it’s May sorry,” he picked up the phone. “Peter it’s 10 pm where are you?!” she called into the line.

“there’s no way it’s-” he looked at his watch. “Oh shit, May I’m sorry i’m coming down now,” he hung up.

“I’m sorry I didn’t realize how late it is,” he scrambled to grab his stuff. 

“Fire escape is faster than the lobby, there’s a window to the hallway if you go to the right” she grabbed his phone and bag for him. 

“i had fun,” he smiled at her.

“I did too, especially since I kicked your ass at injustice,” she smirked.

“I’ll see you at school monday?” he asked.

“Um, I’m free saturday if you want to come over, we can play games or watch a movie or something? I’ll get us pizza or-” she trailed off.

“I’d love to,” he blushed.

“It’s a date,” she smiled and opened her window. Peter stepped out onto the landing. 

“Hey peter?” she called and he turned to her.  She leaned out and kissed his cheek. “A little something for the road,” she held something wrapped in white paper to him. He shut the door to his apartment. 

“There you are, I was worried sick,” May scolded.

“I was upstairs with a friend, I’m sorry we lost track of time.  He set the paper on the counter and opened it.  A fresh coffee cake was sitting in a small box with a note

‘For May and Peter’ 

[immaturityofthomasastruc]

(Accidental 150 Follower Special) IOTA’s Top 10 Worst Episodes of Miraculous Ladybug (Part 2)

Here’s Part 1

#5: Glaciator

Here's a good lesson to teach these incredibly impressionable children watching: If you're not in a romantic relationship by the time you're a teenager, you're a loser! And if someone says they just want to be friends, ignore that obvious hint that they're not into you and keep trying to impress them.

Marinette joins her friends to get some ice cream sold by the worst ice cream vendor in the world, Andre. Like, they have to find out where he's going to set up through a series of clues, they don't get a choice to order the flavors they like (and that's not even taking allergies into consideration), and he only gives a single cone to a couple to share while going on and on about how he knows about who someone really loves, and oh my God, why is this man still in business?

Surprisingly, as dumb as it is for Andre to get akumatized over a single customer doubting his magic ice cream, he's not the reason this episode is on the list. That honor goes to Cat Noir.

At the beginning of the episode, Cat Noir drops the pretenses and asks Ladybug out on a date.

Cat Noir: What would you say if you and I met up tonight for a little dinner? Rooftop style?

Ladybug: For dinner? As superheroes?

Cat Noir: Well, yeah. That's right. We're only together when we're saving Paris. I mean, wouldn't you actually like to get to know one another?

Ladybug: I... That's so thoughtful of you, but I can't. I already have plans with some friends.

Cat Noir: Well, if your plans end early, come and join me.

Ladybug: We'll see.

Cat Noir: I'll be waiting, my lady.

Notice that Ladybug doesn't say that she's coming, and mentions that she already has plans. Even the irresponsible Plagg points this out.

Plagg:You seem in a hurry to get stood up.

Adrien: She didn't say she wasn't coming.

Plagg: But she didn't say she was either!

So when Ladybug obviously doesn't come, Cat Noir just decides to mope around, acting like he was left at the altar, and when they meet up to take on the titular Glaciator, Cat Noir gets all pissy that Ladybug didn't come.

Ladybug: Hello, Kitty. Did the bad guys leave you cold?

Cat Noir: (sounding like his staff got shoved up his ass) How was your amazing evening with your “friends”?

Again, Ladybug never said she was going to meet up with Cat Noir that night, because she had plans. Even later episodes like “Stormy Weather 2” claim that Ladybug stood up Cat Noir, when she DIDN'T! There was never anything set in stone, so Cat Noir can't say that Ladybug stood him up.

Even after the fight, when Ladybug tells Cat Noir that she only sees him as a friend, afterwards, Adrien still thinks he has a shot with her.

Adrien: Perhaps Ladybug will love me someday. I mean, like, I love her. I have to believe. In the meantime, her friendship is the best gift of all.

Dude. Take. A. Goddamn. Hint.

As ironic as the circumstances are, Ladybug just said she isn't into Adrien, and he's still going to go after her. And spoiler alert, his attempts to woo her are only going to get worse from here.

Yeah, this episode is heavy on the romance, and the idealized vision of what the writers think being in a relationship is like. Admittedly, I have a more jaded view of romantic plotlines, as the only real relationship I had ended right before my senior year of high school, and it gave me serious trust issues as a result because of how badly it ended, so I don't want to consider myself an expert in relationships.

But at the same time, that breakup helped me learn to not prioritize being in a relationship, and just focus on self-improvement. If that was the lesson the episode was going for, I'd get it, but we never get anyone say that. All everyone in this episode talks about is how awesome being in love with someone is.

The fact that the audience is supposed to find Cat Noir's behavior charming is disgusting, and I can't believe that Astruc condones this kind of writing.

In addition to continuing the trend of making Cat Noir oblivious to the word “no”, This episode also managed to do the impossible and make me hate ice cream with a fiery passion.

#4: Copycat

This show is really bad with writing episodes about evil doppelgangers, and like with “Antibug”, it's about Ladybug getting blamed for something she had nothing to do with.

A statue of Ladybug and Cat Noir is being unveiled, but because Marinette is preoccupied with trying to make sure Adrien doesn't receive an embarrassing voicemail she accidentally sent him, she isn't able to attend the unveiling ceremony as Ladybug. So when the sculptor mentions he has feelings for Ladybug, Cat Noir says this:

Cat Noir: Hey, don't mean to burst your bubble, but you know, Ladybug and me, we're a thing, you know?

The Sculptor: Really?

Cat Noir: Yeah, we're like this (crosses his fingers to show how close they are).

This exchange is never mentioned in the episode ever again, despite being what gets the sculptor akumatized.

Copycat, the akumatized form of the sculptor, is a reused character model copy of Cat Noir, and so like every impostor storyline in every TV show ever made, the public immediately turns on Cat Noir when Copycat frames him to the point where the police try to arrest him.

In case you couldn't tell, once again, Cat Noir is a big part of why this episode is so awful. If his entitlement issues were actually brought to light and he learns to not act like he and Ladybug are meant to be, it would have worked. Instead, it's Ladybug who is blamed for Copycat happening. Seriously, Cat Noir gives Ladybug heat for not being at the statue unveiling, like it was her fault the sculptor was akumatized.

Even later on, when Ladybug has trouble telling the difference between the two cats, Cat Noir has the gall to say “Have I ever lied to you, Bugaboo?”

HEY! Shat Noir! Lying is the reason you're Public Enemy #1 right now! You have no right to act like Ladybug deserves your trust, especially after you lied about your relationship with her!

This episode was also a little... uncomfortable to watch for a reason. For point of reference, here is the sculptor before he got akumatized.

While I can't read your mind, I'm going to take a wild guess and assume that you, the reader, are thinking “How old is this man, exactly?”

For a while, people in the Miraculous fandom were a little creeped out by this man because the episode unintentionally made it look like this grown-ass man was in love with a teenage girl. It wasn't until March of 2020 that Astruc clarified his age.

But by then, the damage had been done, with some fan works, most notably Zoe-Oneesama's Scarlet Lady, calling his age into question (though ironically, the comic ended with the revelation that he is around the same age as the main cast about five months before Astruc's tweet).

The only thing this episode really accomplished was set the stage for Adrien's worst moments by showing how self-centered he can be, no matter how the show tries to portray his feelings for Ladybug.

#3: Ladybug (The Episode, Obviously)

This is where the Lila subplot comes to a head because Astruc didn't think it would make sense for Lila to play a part in the season finale, and it doesn't fail to disappoint... mostly because everyone had expectations so low, they've made their way to the Earth's core.

Lila frames Marinette for cheating on a test, stealing her grandmother's necklace, and pushing her down a flight of stairs (despite showing no visible injuries). Despite no investigation being launched, Marinette is immediately expelled from school with nobody believing her except Alya. Why is she suddenly on Marinette's side again, despite falling for Lila's lies so many times before, while reiterating that she's still her best friend? Because the plot says so.

And if the episode was about Alya investigating Lila and proving Marinette's innocence, it would have been okay, and could have led to some great character development for her.

Of course, that doesn't happen, as the idea of Marinette being expelled was that gripping of a plot, as the focus of the episode immediately shifts over to Hawkmoth attempting to create another army of Akumas like what he did in “Heroes' Day”... only for Nathalie's failing health to force him to abort the plan, making the entire moment pointless.

Instead, despite how dangerous it is to transform using the Peacock Miraculous, Nathalie becomes Mayura and creates another evil doppelganger of Ladybug. What is it with the writers and evil doppelgangers of the heroes? Did someone on the writing team really like the Spider-Man Clone Saga?

And when Cat Noir sees the doppelganger, well... I didn't mention a certain scene in “Puppeteer 2” because I felt it would be better to talk about it here.

During the battle with the pathetic wax statues, Cat Noir briefly lets his guard down around yet another evil doppelganger of Ladybug, this time, it's a wax statue being controlled by Puppeteer 2 (even though the way she talks is nothing like the way Puppeteer's minions talked because it was five-year-old girl doing the talking). The wax Ladybug goes in for a kiss, and Cat Noir almost lets her take his Miraculous if not for the wax smell giving it away, and not, you know, the complete 180 she took in terms of suddenly wanting to kiss him for no reason.

Okay, it's a little shaky, but Cat Noir still caught on. He'd never fall for a fake Ladybug just because she said she loved him, right?

Yes. He seriously took the side of the impostor all because of the sudden love confession. Just how MORONIC can one person be? If Caity Lotz randomly showed up at my doorstep and claimed she loved me, I wouldn't immediately start making out with her. I would want to know what the hell she's doing here, and why she suddenly declared her love for me.

But Cat Noir seriously falls for the fake Ladybug for the dumbest reason possible. He seriously doesn't think it's weird that Ladybug suddenly confessed her love for him?

And then Ladybug gets the charm that the fake Ladybug was created from, and suddenly, she's a good guy? Before we even get time to think about this, Mayura just erases the fake Ladybug from existence, and now we're supposed to feel bad that she's gone?

Even the expulsion subplot is easily resolved, as after an interesting scene with Adrien coercing Lila to confess in exchange for letting her model alongside her, Marinette is just let back into school with no difficulties. I mean, it's not like her parents would be pissed that their daughter was framed and possibly want to take legal action against the school, right?

And I have to reiterate, this is the last we see of Lila this season because Astruc thinks Chloe is far worse and deserves to be punished for working with Hawkmoth.

Between Marinette getting expelled, a second Scarletmoth attack, and the fake Ladybug, this episode just has too much going on, and it makes it incredibly hard to follow. If it was a two-parter, I think it could have been better paced, but from we got, it's just a mess of a poorly paced episode.

#2: Frozer

Wow, you probably didn't expect to see this episode on this list. I mean, everyone in the Miraculous fandom loves this episode!

Where should I even start? Maybe the scene from the trailer where Adrien reveals his identity to Ladybug... only for it to be a daydream. Because why would we actually want a reveal or have Adrien confess his feelings to Ladybug without the mask?

Yep, despite Ladybug saying that she only sees Cat Noir as a friend, as well as the fact that she loves someone else, he still can't help but try to make her fall for him. But don't worry, I'll get back to their relationship later on.

After that, Marinette agrees to come to the ice rink with Adrien so he isn't as nervous around Kagami, who is awful in this episode. Remember when Astruc elaborated on Kagami line telling Marinette to not hesitate as a warning to move her ass or Adrien was hers

Doesn't that just make everyone love Kagami as a character, and not as a forced love rival instead?

And this is the episode where the romance subplot in Miraculous Ladybug went from having an interesting concept with the Love Square, and turned it into a generic love triangle plotline thanks to Luka. I love Lukanette, but the whole love triangle only gives less time for the four sides of the Love Square to shine. It doesn't help that Marinette's conflicted feelings are brushed over so we can focus on the titular Frozer, who only gets three lines while akumatized.

And now back to the Whiny Cat Noir Show. For no reason, Cat Noir is suddenly all angry when he sees Ladybug, and just like in “Glaciator”, it's never acknowledged. Though at least here, Cat Noir admits that Ladybug's plan to defeat Frozer is right.

And then there's the ending, where it looks like Marinette is going to confess her feelings to Adrien... only for that to also be a daydream.

Hey, if any of the Miraculous Ladybug writers are reading this... STOP TEASING THE AUDIENCE LIKE THIS AND CUT THE BULLSHIT ALREADY!

This episode is proof that the romance subplot will just be drawn out even more, all while teasing the audience with potential confessions and reveals just to keep them hooked. And yet, it was only a taste of what the romance would be like in Season 3.

And even then, I still think one episode is worse than this.

#1: FELIX.

I hate this episode. It is among the worst episodes of any TV show I have ever seen. Not just for the writing, but for what it represents. Let's just say that like “Animaestro”, Astruc had a hand in the way this episode turned out, and unlike “Animaestro”, there was a big fallout on Twitter.

In fact, I'm sorry to keep leading you down the rabbit hole like this, but I think this episode deserves its own post. Or rather, its own posts.

For now, I'm going to work on the list of the best episodes to help me recover my sanity.

[gemsofgreece]

Hello, may I request some comedy/light drama etc. recs from the golden age of Greek TV?

Okay, then *cracks knuckles*

(For anyone who didn’t read the first answered ask, the “golden age” of Greek TV is 1990 - 2010)

I don’t know if you are the Anon who had asked the 2010 onward shows because they didn’t mind the subtitles. If you definitely need subtitles, I am afraid there are only two shows you can watch right now:

Είσαι το Ταίρι Μου (You’re My Soulmate)

Romantic comedy / light drama (2001 - 2002). Vicky and Stella are two very different friends who are Greek immigrants in Australia. Vicky is stunning and men go crazy for her but she has many insecurities. Stella is not conventionally attractive but she allows nothing to bring her down. They both fall for the same handsome rich Greek, Nikos. It’s no brainer who wins - Nikos is a womanizer and falls immediately for Vicky. The interesting part is what happens next - when Vicky’s insecurities make her come up with a crazy plan / prank that will unleash hell over these three, Nikos’ entire family and a couple of friends living in Athens and change their lives forever...and everyone will then get what they deserve... or what they are brave enough to claim. Overall just a hilarious and clever comedy, with great acting and memorable characters you end up loving and an ending that isn’t a cliche. Here’s the link to watch with english subtitles.

Στο Παρά Πέντε (In the Nick of Time)

Mystery / Crime Comedy / Light drama (2005 - 2007) One of the two most famous Greek comedies. Five totally different people happen to be witnesses to the murder of a politician. Before he dies, the politician asks them to find who did it and take revenge for this and other crimes they have committed.  These five unassuming people become friends and start solving the mystery together like hilariously amateur detectives. In time, they will find out that there’s something more that unites them besides their friendship...and maybe not everything happens accidentally. Here’s the link to watch with english subtitles. This one is being subtitled right now.

So bad news: only two shows with English subtitles. Good news: They are the best of the best, so no problem.

But if subtitles are not necessary, let’s proceed with the rest I love in no particular order:

10 Λεπτά Κήρυγμα (10 Minutes of Scolding)

Comedy (2000 - 2003). The life of Leonidas Alivizatos, an untamed only child with divorced parents. The story is basically the endless ways Leonidas find to escape the limitations his parents put to him and the shenanigans he does with his best friend Telis and his girlfriend Marilena that drive his family crazy. Fun fact: My generation, we all had at some point a crush on Leonidas...right?

Singles

Romantic Dramedy (2004 - 2008). The show has four seasons although it’s the first one that mostly had a lasting impression on me. The story revolves around the social, professional and romantic lives of six young single people: Maro, a sensitive hopeless romantic, Rania, an angry cynic who hates relationships, Lila, a sex crazed cheerful woman, Orestes, an average I’d say young man who has his eyes on Maro though, Arthuros, Orestes’ best friend and a socially awkward man with a dark family past and  Loukas, a divorced father who seems to be quite the catch. There’s something special about the first season, it had an atmosphere, a style that I loved. The music was great too. I still remember the episode with the Reaper nightmares and that green light. In the following seasons, half of the cast changed.  Y’all Greeks here do you remember the title song? I love it.

Δεληγιάννειο Παρθεναγωγείο (Deligiannis School for Girls)

Comedy, Drama (2007 - 2008). Summer 1939. The events of the series evolve at the last period of the Greek Regime, the Greco-Italian War and the Nazi Invasion of Greece. Mimis Metaxas in the headmaster of the School and trapped in a miserable marriage. His father-in-law invites Agape, his niece, to teach at the school. Mimis falls desperately in love with Agape but of course he keeps it a secret. Agape is a free-spirited woman and it is soon clear that she is a Communist (or at least leaning toward left ideals) and Mimis tries to balance his job as the Headmaster of the school, his sad marriage, his love and the historical events happening in the country with his need to keep Agape protected at all costs and under full secrecy.

Κωνσταντίνου και Ελένης (Constantine and Helen’s)

Comedy (1998 - 2000). Okay, this is officially the best Greek comedy to date. After it ended in 2000, it has been on TV repeatedly and continuously to this day. For twenty years non-stop. It still  has bigger viewership than new current shows. An old aristocratic childless man writes two wills right before his death in which he gives his big residence. The one will is for Constantine, his aloof and conservative nephew who is a professor of Byzantine History in the University. The other will is for Helen, the only daughter of his beloved poor gardener who is a potty mouthed waitress. Constantine and Helen arrive at the house the same day and they are both determined to inherit the house and they can’t wait until the court date. The story revolves around everything they do to get rid of each other and their friends who are just as crazy as they are. There’s an interesting story about this show: they had done some tests and pilots and they were convinced that nobody was going to watch their show so the show became low budget and the actors were free to go batshit crazy. This ended up creating this hilarious masterpiece that is being rewatched by million Greeks to this day.

Οι Μεν και οι Δε (Them and the others)

Comedy (1993 - 1996). Dionysis Dagas, a famous lawyer who defends criminals lives with his wife Vana, an aristocratic lazy woman, in their apartment in Kolonaki. In the apartment right next to them Timos and Nana Stamatis come to live, unemployed and a jewelry artist respectively. Timos and Nana attempt numerous times to take money from frugal Dionysis and in general a big war starts between them as snobby Dagas are the exact opposite of the hippy Stamatis.

Σαββατογεννημένες (Born on Saturday)

Comedy (2003 - 2004). A sexist and all around horrible man named Savvas wins 7 million Euros at the lottery and as he learns it he has a car crash and loses his memory. His three ex-wives, the Greek language teacher Keti, the actress Bia and the tourist shop owner Soula, all very different and hating the guts of each other and Savvas, team up to find the lottery ticket before Savvas' memory recovers. But in order to achieve that, they have to act a lot and they have to take care of incapacitated Savvas themselves.

Το Καφέ της Χαράς (Chara's cafe)

Romantic comedy (2003 - 2006 and 2019 - now). Chara Chaska, an Athenian unmarried mother decides to start anew and takes her daughter with her to go live somewhere close to nature. They go to a village in Mountainous Arcadia, named Kolokotronitsi. What Chara doesn't know is that the village is extremely traditional and backwards and governed by the conservative and misogynist mayor Periandros Popotas. Popotas and the villagers will start a big war against the newcomer, especially when they find out she wants to open a modern lounge cafe and is not married. Chara has only few supporters there but soon she will also have the interest of her biggest enemy. The show has been revived since last year, as the continuation of what happens many years later but I haven't been watching.

Dolce Vita

Romantic comedy (1995 - 1997). Christina Markatou is the mature rich widow of a tomato factory owner and now she runs it on her own. Christina visits her daughter Dorita in Italy where she studies and upon her return to Greece she unexpectedly has a one night stand with young Antonis Kaloudis. What they both don't know is that Antonis is Dorita's fiance and travels to Greece to meet her family. After the initial shock, Antonis realises he prefers the mother but Christina tries to resist. The love though is too strong. Christina begins seeing Antonis, full of regrets and self-loathing, and tries to hide the affair from her daughter, the nosy housemaid Aspasia and the absolute terror that her mother-in-law is, Olga Markatou. Is there any chance for happiness?

Εγκλήματα (Crimes)

Black comedy (1998 - 2000). Alekos and Flora have always been in love but never got together and got married to evil Soso and kindly Achilles respectively instead. Alekos finds Flora and they start an affair. Soso finds out about the affair quickly and tries repeatedly to kill Alekos. All the crazy things that happen start from all of Soso's murderous attempts and affect the lives of the aforementioned as well as their close relatives who are as crazy as the main characters. Will Soso achieve her biggest ambition to become utterly evil and kill Alekos and whomever else stands in her way?

Σ' αγαπώ, μ' αγαπάς (I love you, you love me)

Domestic comedy (2000 - 2002). The hilariously realistic life of a couple, Dimitra and Thodoris (the actors play with their real names). The actors had such great chemistry that they were chosen as the voice actors for Greek Marlin and Dory in Finding Nemo (also with great success).

So, these are my favourites but there are many others I like or that are very popular but not my cup of tea. Any other Greek is welcome to recommend their own faves.

[80scartoonfan]

My Review of Masters of the Universe Revelation - Better late then Never...

It has been two months now, and wow... Not, not many fans of the entire franchise like the Kevin Smith Masters of the Universe series do they? As an aspiring writer myself I can't say I blame them.

I know this comes literally on the heels of the LATEST series being released (obligations to projects, work, family and other things got in the way) and I have to say I wasn't all that impressed with it. If anything, compared to the dumpster fire that was Season 8 of Voltron Legendary Defender that season was more enjoyable than this first part of the mini-series. 

And if I am being honest from the first leaks of Skele-God, to the drama with YouTubers like Clownfish-TV and others, to the "race swapping" of Andra and King Greyskull, to spoilers Kevin Smith himself even made, I would give Part-1 a GENEROUS D-Minus. This is a shame because I really wanted this series to exceed all expectations and be equal to the original like 2012s TMNT is or 2011s ThunderCats. But there is too much against it. 

First, let’s talk about the animation. It was absolutely breathtaking! It was crisp, the world-building in just the scenery was a masterpiece. Out of what I saw of all of part 1, spotted one goof - dealing in episode 1 with Evil-Lyn's staff, which shows that their animators care of what they produce. I loved the animation so much that if the rights to my favorite anime were purchased by a studio to do a continuation from 2005 or a second reboot, I'd gladly give Powerhouse Animation my salary for the next 5 years!

The music, the music was gorgeous! But then I am biased towards Bear McCreary. Even though He-Man seems a bit knew to compose music to, he immediately got my vote of confidence when it was announced he was attached. Reason being, his work for the movie Godzilla King of the Monsters! His music made me actually tear up during that movie. Something I didn't do since another Godzilla movie.

With the exception of Mark Hamill - as shocking as it comes and Sarah Michelle Gellar, the voice acting was phenomenal! I loved Kevin Michael Richards as Beastman, Tony Todd as ScareGlow, even Liam Cunningham as Duncan! Chris Wood was spectacular as Prince Adam/He-Man for just being introduced to him. But the one who really stole the show for me was Lena Headdy. She killed it as Evil-Lyn, so much that if the Eternity War Saga or 2 part crossover event ThunderCats and He-Man/Injustice vs Masters of the Universe were made into live-action or animated movies, I'd pay whatever she wanted just to have her return. 

I also want to applaud the effort of getting a diverse group of voice actors. Something which I noticed few if ANY have. Actors who are both known for their VA resumes and those who are new to voice acting. But also the actors themselves, besides the white and black VAs there were if I am not mistaken a Native American and I think 2 Mixed-Race voice actors. I don't remember if there were any Asian or Middle Eastern VAs, but it is always Part-2! 

As for Mark Hamill, at first, I was excited that he was going to do the voice of Skeletor. But upon hearing him as Skeletor, I'm not sure anymore. Granted this is just the first part of the mini-series, but it didn't feel like Skeletor if that makes sense? To me, it felt like he was trying to mix Joker/Alvin the Treacherous/and Firelord Orzi all into one character.

Sarah Michelle Gellar is another one I wasn't sure about. I admit I found it hard going in unbiased because I never liked Sarah. Not as Gwendy Doll, or Andromeda, Daphne and certainly not as Buffy - mainly because I preferred Kristy Swanson as Buffy, but that is beside the point. She had some nice emotional spots, but for the majority of her performance as Teela, it just wasn't there for me. If the writing and script had been better than what it was, she could have won me over for Teela, but as I write this I am more excited for Kimberly Brooks to voice Teela.

Now let’s talk about the things I hated. This will involve anything from Characters including designs to the writing and other things. If you don't want to be triggered I advise you to stop reading this and move on. If you are still here and get triggered, like one person who always seems to be, don't say I didn't warn you. I am always open to engaging others civilly in talking and debate. But if you can't even do that, don't bother engaging. These are my opinions and MY THOUGHTS, and I will hold nothing back regardless of the topic. You have been warned!

The story, the story absolutely sucked! You can tell the writers, if you can call them that, just didn’t care about what they were doing. I’ll go into this shortly. But those writers should be ashamed to even call themselves that. Sure it was catered to be modernized and appealing to potential new fans, but they should have been more aware of what they were doing. Just in this first part, there are so many plotholes and questions I was asking myself that I filled 4 whole pages of paper asking questions and thoughts - which to the fanfic writers I will put in at the end of this if you want to explore them. 

I watched the mini-series five times now, trying to be as objective as I possibly could as an aspiring writer and not as a MotU fan, and each time got even more painful. Let’s be clear on one thing, I wanted this series to succeed. But too many things brought it down, and like with Ghost in the Shell 2045, I’m not sure I want Netflix to release part 2 or that I would watch it if they did. 

Let’s start with how it was advertised as a “direct sequel to the original.” It was not a direct sequel to the original. I have seen someone bring this up and I have to agree with him. This mini-series is more in line with Nickelodeon’s Voltron-Force from 2011. I remember watching that series when it premiered and then had to hunt down my VHS tapes that had them to get a feel for the series again. 

Both played off their respective originals as direct sequels, but both are in fact pseudo-sequels/soft reboots. They have the characters we grew up with and we can identify these characters because they are close to their original counterparts, but that is as far as the “sequel” goes. They bring in newer characters who we know nothing about or characters who have maybe been unimportant to the main characters, but we have to accept them now. It was like that with Mona Lisa in the 2012 TMNT who I enjoyed WHEN they used her, Larmina of Voltron-Force being Allura’s niece, and Andra of Revelation who had maybe 2 or 3 appearances in the entire run of the Masters of the Universe franchise.

Like Voltron-Force, Revelation, had no real ties to the original. There were no mentions of battles, events, and characters who played critical roles in the original. Instead, it starts off with a narrative deposition to set the series up (not matching how the original ended) and just starts in with new adventures. For it to be a direct sequel to an original,  you need to have more than just characters we can identify as He-Man/Skeletor/Keith/Lotor/Allura/or Teela.

Next, let’s talk about the length of this mini-series. This is still a bitter subject amongst Voltron fans because so much Netflix could have done more with it if they didn’t do four seasons that were  6/7 episodes. We can all agree that with the “story telling” they wanted to do, just five episodes just were not enough for the first part and potentially the second part. The amount of time needed to portray the journey from Adam’s death to Skeletor taking the power sword and becoming Skelegod could have easily been an entire season. Even 9-10 episodes would have been acceptable with the proper writing that wasn’t going for deliberate shock value goals or “shipping.”

With a 9-10 episode first part, they could have given everyone what they wanted. They could have had He-Man solidly in the first 3 episodes killing him off in the 3rd in such an emotional way it would leave us old-timers not only devastated but eager for more. Use episode 4 to transition into a dying magical world trying to survive with the loss of He-Man and Skeletor and set up the following episode where we see Teela and Andra meet, rather than “next episode we meet Teela and her ‘friend’ Andra on a practically dead world.” Hell, if this was supposed to be a series which wanted to emotionally cripple old timers like me, I’d have been fine if were three season 13 episode series where He-Man dies at the very end of season 1, season 2 picks up with the aftermath of his death, and season 3 is He-Man’s return to defeat Skeletor.

Let’s now talk about the plotholes in this series which tie together with the amount of episodes. These are the biggest things that damage the series the most! The biggest plothole and the most important one is “SPAN OF TIME!” How long has it been since Prince Adam’s death and we see Teela with Andra - days/weeks/months/years - WHAT?! When did they meet? Where did they meet? What happened to Eternos? Did King Randor go all Mad-King Targarian or was Eternos get sacked and destroyed now that He-Man was no longer there to protect its people? Did King Randor put a bounty on Teela’s head for leaving? Remember she was a sworn member of the guard to the King. I doubt he would have just let her leave unless he had a good reason not to go after her. What happened to all the other Masters - Clamp Champ/Ram-Man/Stratos/Buzzoff/Tusk Man and many others in the aftermath of Adam’s death? These are questions and things fans should have been focusing on rather than “will Teela and Andra be together?” Kevin Smith said this series had what others didn’t... STAKES. What are those stakes?

Speaking of Teela and Andra and I know this will be a touchy one for most. I feel that their dynamic is directly done to “queerbait” people. Now I am not saying we can’t have LGBT couples in series, it’s just that writers either need to commit to establishing these couples or not at all. Only doing glimpses or hints at, is for a lack of a better term a Kobayashi Maru - (a No Win Scenario for the Non-Star Trek fans) like it was with Shiro in Voltron Legendary Defender. And if and when this blows up in their faces, like it did the Voltron writers, they have no one to blame but themselves. 

Star Trek Lower Decks like every other Star Trek since “The Next Generation” have no qualms in establishing certain characters as LGBT. It is how you do it, and many of these shows need to follow the example from Star Treks TNG/DS9/VOY/LD. This series are a clear testament that you can have Straight/Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual relationships without “queer-baiting” or overtly shoving it in people’s faces.

The writers have made it clear that there is something between Teela and Andra but while also making it clear there is still something between her and Adam. Which regardless of how part 2 ends is liable to upset the fans they “catered” this series to. Who do you make happy and who do you ostracize? And with today’s social media are you going to handle the backlash of giving one and not the other? I personally would prefer Teela and Adam to be what kids today call “Endgame,” but ever since the Keith & Allura tradition was soundly destroyed in Season 2 of Netflix’s Voltron, that when it comes to Netflix series I just simply don’t care anymore who ends up with who, I want a well thought-well developed story. 

The character designs of Teela/Andra/Evil-Lyn I understand they wanted a more “modern” realistic feel to them, which I am neither for nor against. Because let’s face it spandex-clad or barely covered barbarian fantasy women with chainmail is a product of the 70s/80s/90s. It is alright to have modern designs for characters but not too modern. Especially when we have shows like Game of Thrones and others to draw references from.

I do admit, I am not a fan of Teela’s design. I understand the reasoning is to make her a “Strong Female Character” but there is more to being a strong female character than looking strong. Strength is also one’s character, how they grow and develop. Teela’s stubbornness, fear, and anger at her “past life” are preventing her growth. If this is the way they portray a strong female character then they have no business doing so. 

Kimberly Brooks’ Allura is a far stronger woman than this Teela ever will be. The burdens she shouldered, admitting she was wrong and not gloating when she was correct, the forgiveness of a race responsible for the genocide of her’s, being a diplomat while also being a warrior, sacrificing her well being for others all contributed to her growth from “Princess who just woke up” to Strong Female Character by the end of Season 6. 

Teela understandably was hurt by the lies that filled her life. Sure she built a life away from those lies, but she was running away from them. Rather than confront the reason why she became bitter and ran away essentially. She was only forced to confront those lies to save Eternia and the universe and even then there really wasn’t any humility about it. Instead, it is all about her. Not once in this series have I seen growth for Teela’s character like Legendary Defender’s Allura, and let me be perfectly blunt - I had no love for Allura after Season 2. Not once did she admit she was wrong or apologize. Not once was she willing to sacrifice her life for the greater good - instead she was willing to let the whole universe die because of the lies she was fed her life. 

Now let me address the whole Race-Bending “controversy.” As with the new designs, I am neither for nor against them. I understand the arguments on both sides when it comes to Andra and King Greyskull. One side argues it appeals to young black girls and boys while the other argues they are being tired of being handed “Hand-Me-Down” characters. Both sides have valid arguments. But honestly, as an old Masters of the Universe fan, it took the so-called “race-swapping” of Andra for me to even remember her because she was never that important and even betrayed Teela for Faker in the Injustice vs Masters of the Universe comics and even then she appeared in maybe 5 panels at most.

Now King Greyskull, at first I was against, I’ll admit it but then I changed my tone looking at myself and my family. See I am Bi-Racial, my mother is white and my father is black. My father’s sister married a white guy and had 6 bi-racial kids. Two who in turn gave birth to white-skinned blond-haired blue-eyed kids. Had they gone the “bloodline” path Prince Adam could have been a representation of not just blacks, whites, but bi-racial and mixed-blood peoples. 

I realize this is coming out on the eve of that new He-Man and the Masters of the Universe series, which as a He-Man fan since 1984 (when I was potty training) I will give it a shot, maybe even write a review of it. But I still have my reviews of Godzilla: Singular Point, Pacific Rim: The Black, Star Trek Lower Decks, Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex 2045, and other series to write on top of work and my family life.

-------------------------------~ Question and Thoughts Time ~---------------------------

As I mentioned above,  had many thoughts and questions which I believe were pivotal in the development of this series. Questions and thoughts should have been vocalized during the writing stage rather than fans asking them. These are of the first 3 episodes and some of episode 4. If you are a fanfiction writer who wants to explore these feel free to do so, I will be more than happy to read if they answer these questions and make the mini-series more enjoyable.

Keep in mind these are questions and thoughts I had because I am also an aspiring writer of my own fiction - that I am keeping close to my chest until I feel ready to release it.

Any true He-Man fan would question why is He-Man on a mechanical horse when he would be using battle cat

I do like the celebration happening at the same time quote-unquote He-Man is approaching Castle Grayskull it makes you think Adam is missing out on an important event

In the original series, Castle Grayskull had defenses that the Sorceress could call upon to confuse and combat an enemy who breached its walls how did Skeletor learn about the true secrets of Castle Grayskull when it should only be the Sorceress that knows of such secrets

If the Sorceress is so powerful and so smart why was she tricked by the faker He-Man he doesn't have the power sword?

I love that Orko is still a bumbling magician in Eternia’s realm. Shows how different realities have an effect on others

Adams entrance to “I have the power” let alone his playful jab at who “He is” should have been a hint to Teela

I do like the scene between Adam and Teela in the hall. It really makes you think that they actually are friends from childhood that grew up together and possibly have a future together.

My knowledge of the 38 years of the canon may be a bit shady now, but hasn’t Skeletor always needed the Power sword to get into Castle Grayskull like he always needed it in the comics?

They hinted that his mother knows he's He-Man and that she does reveal that he is He-Man after the battle. I know a mother knows these things about her child. But how did she learn Adam was He-Man and how did she not tell King Randor

Again how did Marlena know He-Man was her son and not tell her husband?

King Randor’s response is feasible but Teela’s response, because everyone lied to her is understandable - but she's a warrior. She is also a sworn captain of the royal guard, sworn to the King. She can’t just quit like that, can she?

How much time has passed between the death of Adam and when we see Teela with Andra

What has happened to the Royal Family in this time? What about Eternos? Has King Randor and Marlena revealed that he-man was their son Prince Adam? With He-Man out of the picture Has Eternos Fallen? Did Randor go all Mad-King Targaryen and become a ruthless tyrant?

What has happened to all of the other Masters? Ram-Man/Buzzoff/Clamp Champ/Fisto/Stratos/ and so many others? Were they killed off? Did they disband? Or were they exiled, WHAT?!

What about Snake-Mountain? What happened in the aftermath of Skeletor’s apparent death? Did Triclops and Beastman betray Evil-Lyn?

How did Teela meet Andra? What is the “When, where, and how” behind their meeting? What did she do to gain Teela’s trust when she felt betrayed by the world?

What is Andra’s background or history in this series besides being an engineer?

When old hag gives Teela and Andra their mission you can obviously tell it's evil-lyn

He-Man flashbacks are kind of nice but it would have been nice to have a build-up for such flashback or have a series season before his demise with such flashbacks that way it could be more poignant

I do like the idea of Triclops and Trap-jaw building a technical but what put them on the path for this techno cult

The cult kind of feels like the Borg as much as I like the idea of Trap-jaw and Triclops making a cult I don't know how I feel about it being Borg-like

This may be controversial but Andra feels like the stereotypical POC Rooky sidekick you see join the main character on their quest.

Like Grace Randolph said this whole Teela/Andra angle may come up and bite everyone in the ass later on if they don’t follow through which will piss off all the old-time fans and if they don’t follow through with the Teela/Andra angle and make Prince Adam/Teela are a couple then all the LGBTQ fans will be pissed off about that

I can already foresee it happening just like it did with Voltron Legendary Defender with Shiro being gay and his ex-partner Adam being killed in combat

We do get a hint of what the king did after the final battle but still what happened in that time after Prince Adam was killed? Did king Randor go off the deep end and become a dictator, what? These are questions that needed to be asked and answered during the writing stage

When did Evil-Lyn, Cringer, and the Sorceress make an alliance to save what little magic is left and in essence the entire universe?

I have the suspicion that was the Sorceress finally trying to tell Teela she's her mother Ford Shadows that the Sorceress is going to die and Teela is going to take her place

Did Teela really name Cringer, or was it something to boost her up in this mini-series?

Did cringer really tell Tela the Adam loved her?

Thus Begins the quest to reforge the sword to go to heaven and hell to get the parts and rebuild the Power sword thus queue Duncan

How much time has passed between the end of the previous episode and the beginning of this new one?

How is time measured on Eternia? 

If Skeletor truly wanted to kill He-Man why didn't you take his power sword when he was shackled up?

Kevin Conroy is ma as Mermaid Man if he gets more roles as mermaid man he might grow on me

Instead of gloating, why didn’t they take He-Man’s sword if it was their prize all along?

Typical 80s cartoon ponds very nice

If Evil-Lyn preached that Man-at-Arms was the most dangerous man in Eternia why didn't they act like it why did they act like He-Man was the most dangerous one?

I do love the jobs both Teela and Evil-Lyn take at each other because they are pretty much the same. Evil-Lyn is Skeletor’s version of the Sorceress and Teela is practically He-Man sorceress when she accepts her destiny.

Teela has seen her father fight hundreds of times how could you not recognize his fighting style?

I like how beast man's loyalty never swayed from evil when I also like Kevin Michael Richardson parentheses? As Beastman I thought I would like him as King Grayskull but I I do like him as beast man

Orko like Castle Grayskull does provide a little hint as to King Randor’s reaction to Prince Adam’s death. I feel this is something they should have put into the series

I feel that all of Orko's scenes in episode 3 and my Following episode 4 are tainted because of Kevin Smith revealing he gets killed and why he decided to have Oracle killed

Why should Beastman show a little fear to Andra who is she to him?

I like that you can still see that Man at Arms still loves the Sorceress and I also find it funny that when it comes to that one huge secret something always gets in the way

Again I hate how they portrayed the span of time in this? 

How did they go from a Forest Village so halfway across the world?

Something's been nagging me lately could Evil-Lyn be related to both Teela and the Sorceress somehow?

It could be a reference to how similar the Figures were in the 80s but in some scenes, Teela and Evil-Lyn’s facial structures look almost identical could you be separated sisters?

The further this point it's funny how Evil-lyn and Kela can just cut through the bullshit between their infatuation with He-Man and Skeletor

Again what time something happened between evil-lyn and Merman we don't know what just that he seems bitter that she didn't take over the land while he took a while he tried to take over the seat

It seems that there are undertones to a massive war and the wake of Prince Adam’s death.

I kind of like how even evil-lyn kind of shows that she may be afraid of subterranean

With half of part 1 ended could Skeletor have them influencing her? Why did she have to retrieve the Havoc staff head?

How does Evil-Lyn know so much about the Subterranea?

Teela facing a false He-Man could be a hint of her feelings for Adam. But I think it would be more of a visceral scene if it was Prince Adam and not He-Man.

Was that a hint of Teela becoming the new sorceress? 

Scenes between Orko and Lyn were a nice touch. Maybe a better connection between Orko and Lyn than Teela, He-Man, and the others?

Orko’s sacrifice could be the beginning of the Dark-Orko storyline?

Was that the Sorceress’ most recent ancestor, Teela’s Grandmother or GREAT-Grandmother?

Why didn’t Adam finish the chant? If Kevin Smith borrowed aspects from everything relating to He-Man, then why didn’t Adam finish the chant? A few times Adam has been run through in which he could finish the chant to become He-Man.

If Teela is such a badass, why didn’t she attempt to stop a reconstituting Skeletor from stabbing Adam?

Really Andra? You are going to sass Skeletor? He doesn’t know you and would sleep like a baby dispersing you. You are nothing to him, you are lucky he didn’t decide to run you through with the power sword.

And really Skeletor? Because no woman could love a face like your’s? Thats your motivation?

[j-elaine-hyde]

The Bean Chronicles - Before Bean Part 3

You were curled up in a blanket sitting in the movie theater at your and Chris’ home when Ashley walked in.

“Hey girl. Chris is doing some interviews today. He wanted me to remind you, he’ll be back later tonight. As far as you’re concerned, there’s something we need to do.” She pulled her arm around from behind her back, in her hand were four pregnancy tests. “I think we already know... but let’s be sure.”

You stared at her before climbing out of your chair. “Do you really think that’s what it is?”

“Girl... don’t be dumb. Let’s go pee!”

You nervously peed on the stick and quickly put the cap on and set it gently on the counter, careful not to look at the tiny digital screen. You stared at the ceiling as you washed your hands before stepping out of the bathroom.

“Well?” Ashley questioned staring at you.

“I couldn’t look. I left it in there.” You slid down the wall onto the floor.

“Why are you so nervous? You have Captain Fucking America as a baby daddy. He proposed to you in Fenway Park in front of the world, with the worlds largest diamond ever. You guys are disgustingly in love. You have millions, he has millions. You have a beautiful home. You’re the luckiest woman in the universe.... and now you’re about to have what will probably be the prettiest baby on the planet. Tons of women and men would kill to be you, any given day.”

“Well when you put it that way.... Chris and I haven’t talked about kids... I mean we kind of did one time... but I -“

“He was made to be a dad. Trust me. He’ll be over the moon excited. You think he was happy when you said yes?! Wait until you see how happy he is to find out he’s gonna be a dad.”

“Maybe. I mean he’ll obviously be the greatest dad ever.... but...”

“But nothing bitch. I’m gonna go look.” Ashley rushed into the bathroom. She was back in the hallway in a split second holding the test. Her face emotionless.

“What does it say?!” You were panicked, a painful ball developing in your throat.

“Sup Mommy!” Ashley screamed and jumped around. “You’re pregnant heifer!”

Your jaw dropped, your hands flew to your stomach as you looked down and then back at Ashley. You stood up, hand against the wall to steady yourself.

“Holy shit.”

—

You were so incredibly nervous and excited to tell Chris. With Ashley’s help you found the perfect way to tell him. You laid out the onesies with two of the four tests you took throughout the day. All said pregnant. Ashley scheduled a doctors appointment for you and blocked out that day with Chris’s assistant. All he had to do now was come home.

You waited in the living room. Snuggled up in a blanket watching tv. As soon as Chris got home he’d walk over to the table and set down his keys. On that very table lay his surprise.

You prayed he’d be excited. You fell asleep waiting on him to get home and were woken up to Chris kneeling on the floor in front of you crying and holding your stomach.

“I’m gonna be a dad?” He asked you, grinning from ear to ear, tears running down his face.

You nodded yes and he lunged forward kissing you before sliding down and kissing your stomach.

“Hello little bean...” he whispered as he lay his head against you. He looked up at you, “What do we do?!” Panic covered his face.

You laughed softly as he looked up at you. “We have our first doctors appointment in two weeks. Ash already put it in your schedule.”

“Two weeks?! Did she tell them who we are?! Can we call someone tonight? What about the ER? Why two weeks?!”

You patted the sofa next to you. He sat down as you crawled into his lap. You pulled up your phone and opened a pregnancy tracker app. The two of you talked late into the night before heading to bed. You were just about asleep when Chris laid his head on your stomach.

“Do you want Bean to be a boy or a girl? What about names? We have to pick a room to be a nursery. Have you told Dodger he’s going to be a big brother? Do we need to find a nanny? We have to get a crib. And diapers. We-“

“Need to get some sleep. We have nine months to get all of that taken care of love. I’m sure you’ll have it done before I know it. But tonight, let’s just be happy and get some sleep.” You yawned and stretched, stroking Chris’ hair.

“You’re right babe. I’m just so excited. I can’t wait to be a dad. I can’t believe we’re pregnant. I’m the luckiest man alive.” His words warmed your heart. “I love you baby momma.” He chuckled thinking his joke was funny.

“I love you. So much. But I’m building a baby. It’s hard work. I’m so sleepy. We’ll talk in the morning.” You sleepily laughed as you quickly dozed off, Chris still laying next to you with his hand on your stomach.

— 2 Weeks Later —

“10 weeks?!” Chris did the math in his head. “Babe.... that was the night we got engaged. It’s a Fenway baby! When do we find out if Bean is a boy or a girl?”

The doctor smiled at Chris as she performed the ultrasound. Your eyes were wide as you stared at the screen. Your breath hitched in your throat.

“Baby.... look! It’s Bean. Holy shit.”

-

Chris drove the two of you home. You were quiet, staring out the window, thinking about your little Bean Evans.

“Babe... I think we should go back East. Hole up out there. At least the spring and summer won’t be bad out there. Because you’re going to be about to pop, and I don’t want you in the LA heat for that. I’m wicked excited Bean is going to get here around my birthday. Whatcha think?”

“That wouldn’t be a bad idea... listen... hon... Chris. I don’t wanna tell anyone for a few more weeks. Ok? I don’t wanna jinx it.”

He opened his mouth and then promptly shut it. “Baby... are you worried?”

He grabbed your hand and squeezed it. “A little. We’re not out of the woods for another couple of weeks. I just don’t want anything to happen.” You confessed.

“We don’t have to say anything to anyone yet. It’s ok baby. It’s only a couple weeks, then we’re in the clear, and you can travel safely. Let’s get you home.”

-

Ashley had been busy. Busy doing what you weren’t sure. But she practically kept you locked in the movie theater that entire day. She’d come in and check on you, making sure to tell you to text her if you needed anything. Chris was in meetings all day and gone. You were starting to get hungry, deciding to go get some food you climbed out of your chair just as Ashley was walking into the room.

“What are you doing?! Why are you up?!” She questioned.

“I was hungry.”

“Get back in your chair! What do you want? I’ll get it. You stay put.”

You glared are her as you settled back in.

“Carrots. Baby carrots. With a tiny bit of ranch.”

“Stay here. I’ll get it.” She scolded you with a finger wag as she closed the door behind her.

Your phone pinged a familiar tone. Your love was texting you.

Ash came back in with a plate of carrots and ranch. “Here you go. I’ll be back in a little bit. Try and get some sleep. Text me if you need anything. If you get up again, I’ll tie you to that chair.”

“Fine. Whatever. Thank you. Go away.”

Ash rolled her eyes and laughed as she walked out of the room.

You must have dozed off. Your plate was on the floor, next to your phone. Another episode of “Finding Bigfoot” was playing that you hadn’t seen. The door creaked open as Chris’s head popped in.

“You’re awake!” He smiled as he came in shutting the door quickly behind him.

“Does the warden know you’re in here?” You cracked a small weary smile as he leaned down over you to kiss you.

“Oooohhhhahahaha no no. Hands off. I was reading that we shouldn’t have sex until you’re in your second trimester.” He moved your hand off of his package as he sat down next to you.

“Seriously?! I can’t leave the chair. I can’t have sex. The furthest I can go is the bathroom, and again, that’s right there. Wait, why can’t we have sex?!”

“Baby... I wanna ask you something...” he held your hand in his, staring at your giant engagement ring. “Would you marry me?”

“Honey... Chris.... you already asked me that. And I said yes.... you feelin ok?”

“No baby.... I meant today. Come with me.”

“Wait- what??”

Taking your hand, Chris led you out of the theater. Walking into the elevator you rode up to the first floor and walked out onto the balcony outside.

Chris, Ashley and a team of people had been working all day in the backyard creating a wedding wonderland.

“With Ashley’s help, I’ve been planning this for the last couple of weeks. All of our friends and families are coming and will be here in like four hours.”

You stood there completely shocked and surprised. You were speechless. Chris continued leading you into the backyard, to the private alcove near your bedroom.

“Is that the right one?” He asked sliding his arms around your waist.

Your hands flew to your face, your tears rolling down your cheeks as you laughed, “Oh my god.... honey.... Chris- how did you? When- Baby this is perfect. That’s the dress.... Oh my god....”

You wrapped your arms around his neck as your buried your face against him.

“Is it perfect baby? Do you like it all? Thankfully we had your Pinterest and a some very crafty talented friends to make this happen.”

“I can’t wait to become Mrs. Evans tonight. This is incredible hon. I don’t even know what to say.... Thank you.” You gently wiped the tears from your eyes.

“I couldn’t wait any longer... I needed you to be my wife. I wanted to do this for you, before we get so wrapped up with Bean. I love you baby... I hope you love it.”

“It’s almost as perfect as you.” You kissed him before your entire glam squad walked out onto the patio.

“Hey girl! You’re getting married!! Let’s get you ready!! Chris! We have a small team waiting to get you ready out in the guest house.”

“I’ll see you later baby!” He stole a quick kiss before you were pulled inside to get ready.

[elysiandream144]

Perfect Part 1 (A Songfic)

Hi! This is my first time writing a BoyxBoy Songfic, it’ll be a 2 part fanfic using the song “Little Miss Perfect” and “Ordinary” I’m hoping you guys like it! Dream and George are both 18 (NOT PROOFREAD)

Straight hair, straight A's, straight forward Straight past,  I don't cut corners I make a point to be on time Head of the student council

Dream was walking down the halls of his school, everyone knew him and his friend, Sapnap. They got good grades and were the jokesters of their schools, they played infamous pranks and jokes in their classes. “I heard that a new kid is coming, aren’t you supposed to meet with him?” Sapnap ask

“I’m supposed to but I had to work on something this morning so Bad was showing him around but I have to talk to him after school to see how he’s adjusting.” Dream replied, “Aw man! I was hoping to ask for a ride home but since you’re busy I might as well just walk” Sapnap said.

I don't black out at parties I jam to Paul McCartney If you asked me how I'm doing I'll say... well 

“Are you gonna go to Fundy’s party this Saturday?” Sapnap ask “I have to, Who else will drive your drunk ass home” Dream answered, Sapnap let out a laugh “Will you have fun or will you be a stick in a mud” he ask another question “You know I don’t get wasted, I’ll have a drink or two but that’s all. Either way I’m the designated driver for the two of us” Dream told Sap

I was adopted when I was two My parents spoiled me rotten, often I ask myself what did I do To get as far as I've gotten

Dream had always tried to be the perfect son so he tried to do many things to be that, he got good grades, does after school curriculums, doesn’t get wasted at parties, head of the student counsel and many others. He wanted his parents to be proud of him for being able to do so much while also volunteering at his community as well as doing twitch streams.

A pretty girl walks by my locker My heart gives a flutter but I don't dare utter a word 'Cause that would be absurd Behavior for "Little Miss Perfect"

The bell rang, “Alright, I’ll see you later. I have to get to Physics” Dream said, waving to Sapnap, “See ya” Sapnap replied. Dream started walking to his class, a few others already there. “I heard we’re gonna have a new kid in this class” A random girl said “I hear that he’s really cute and that he moved here from the UK!” her friend said. They were talking quite loudly and soon enough nearly everyone was talking about the new kid

“Alright class, settle down. We have a new student joining us” The teacher said. He was in front of the Whiteboard. A boy, shorter than Dream, entered the room, he wore a light blue shirt, dark blue denim jeans, black converse and a pair of white clout glasses on his head. “Go ahead and introduce yourself” The teacher said “Hello, my name is George” the boy said  

La-la-la-la-la- love Is something I don't even know

Dream’s eyes widen, he didn’t believe in true love or any of those romantic bullshit but he remembered hearing George’s voice before on twitch, he was looking for someone to raid and he stumbled up an account ‘GeorgeNotFound’, he watched a bit of the stream before raiding and continued watching George. Dream remembered how his chat after Dream had donated 10 dollars to George, he felt his face flush.

Straight hair, straight A's, straight forward Straight girl "Little Miss Perfect" That's me

“George, why don’t you go ahead and sit down next to Clay?” The teacher said “Clay, raise your hand please” They added, Dream did as the teacher asked of him, George making his way to the empty desk that was behind Dream. “Now if you have any question, feel free to ask Clay. he’s one of my best students” 

George nodded to the teacher, he didn’t talk to Dream and Dream didn’t attempt to strike a conversation. 

One night, my friend stayed over We laughed And drank and ordered Something about her drew me in... What? It's totally platonic

After school, Dream met George at the front of the student council room “Oh hey, Clay right?’ George asks ‘Yeah, but everyone calls me Dream” He replied “Cool, I was told to come here to answer a few questions I believe” George said “Yeah, just a few questions” Dream said.

When Dream was done asking George the questions, he was preparing to leave until George had asked if Dream could go to his place to help with physics. Dream agreed to help for a while.

That night, was so exciting Her smirks were so enticing Hours speed by like seconds Then, what happens is iconic

Once they arrived at George's house, they settled in the living room. No one else was in the house, George's parents were at work and George had no siblings so it was just them alone together. They sat next to each other, Dream answered any question George asked him, “Are you hungry? I can order us Ubereats if you would like” George asked Dream “Sure, I can go for something to eat” Dream answered 

They had gotten their food and their drinks and spent a while just talking and watching tv, although they wouldn’t say it out loud but even if they had just met that day they were fond of being in the other company

She takes a sip I bite my lip She tells a joke I nearly choke She braids my hair I sit there, blacking out for the first time

During their episode of a show they weren’t remotely paying attention to, Dream was telling a hilarious story that happened between him and Sapnap that had made George laugh. Dream trailed off and realized how cute George was when he was laughing, it made his face flush and he looked away from George to hide his burning face.

Next thing I know I lose control I finally kiss her but oh no I see a face in my window Then my brain starts to go:

George and Dream had somehow gotten closer together while they were eating, the room felt warmer than before “Should we continue working now?” Dream asked George to try and subside his budding feelings, George nodded. Dream had placed his hand close to where George had his, he was hoping that Geoge didn’t notice what he had done but he didn’t take in account for George to intertwine their fingers together. 

Dream felt his face burning even more, he glanced quickly at George to see if George was suffering though a similar turmoil, George’s pale face was a light reddish pink color. Dream felt a surge of confidence go through him, he went to intertwine their hands completely together until George’s mom entered causing Dream to move his hand away immediately.

Na-na-na-na-na- no You can't risk falling off your throne La-la-la-la-la- love Is something you don't even know

His heart was pounding, he was shaking from the thought of being caught holding hands with someone. For his entire life he never showed any romantic interest towards anyone, sure he went on a few dates with a couple of girls though due to his busy schedule he just figured it was pointless to date someone so he never tried to, but being with George made him feel something entirely new and he wasn’t sure if he liked it or not.

Na-na-na-na-na- no You can't risk falling off your throne La-la-la-la-la-la- love You don't even know

George spared a glance at Dream before moving his hand to his side “Hey mom, this is an acquaintance of mine from school” George said “It’s a pleasure to meet you, it’s getting quite late though, do you plan on staying longer?” His mom asked Dream “Oh! It is getting late, I should get going. I’ll see you tomorrow George” Dream said getting up, throwing his trash away and leaving without waiting for George to respond

Rewind, induce amnesia Deny the truth, it's easier You're just confused Believe her When she says that there's nothing there It's never worth it... When you're "little miss perfect"

When Dream got home, he ran up to his room. He didn’t interact with his siblings or parents. He needed time to be alone, he got a message from a random number ‘Sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I hope we can continue being friends tho’ He knew immediately who it was, he wanted to reply but he didn’t know how. He wanted to figure himself out, he had just met George, he didn’t understand why his heart was pounding when they were just hanging out like he did with Sapnap.

Dream was confused, and he didn't like it at all.

[bobbyshaddoe80]

Liberated Audio Reviews

Introduction:

The cult Sci-Fi series Blake's 7 has seen great admiration and appreciation in the 40 plus years since its initial broadcast in the UK., continuing to enthrall audience old and new alike. Despite its rather low budget, it possessed some pretty impressive writing and acting from its rotating cast of characters. Despite it being yet another Terry Nation brainchild, the series would evolve beyond the initial proposal/concept of 'Robin Hood in Space' under the direction of Chris Boucher to become something more than just a Star Wars clone.

Over the years, the show's devoted fanbase have poured over the show's 52 episodes and have long clamored, demanded, begged and pleaded with the Powers That Be for some sort of continuation or revival... In spite of the show's rather unorthodox and controversial ending.

After numerous rumors and false starts, which even included a full on audio reboot/reimagining by B7 Media back in late 2007/early 2008, it would be Big Finish Productions that would take up the daunting task of reviving and expanding the Blake's 7 universe starting in February 2012 with the Liberator Chronicles and the Classic Audio Adventures in January 2014.

The Liberator Chronicles are essentially enhanced audiobooks often told in the first person by whichever character is chosen to be the focus of the story. Often they are supported by one or two other cast members in order to help keep things from falling completely into standard audiobook monotony. Before tackling the full cast audios, I shall endeavor to present my thoughts and views on all twelve volumes of the Liberator Chronicles.

Please bear in mind that these reviews are based on my own opinions and no one else's. While I shall endeavor to be as fair as possible, I am not claiming that my opinion is the only one that matters and you are free to agree or disagree with me as you see fit. Just try to keep it civil. So, without further ado, let's get started by examining volume one.

Blake's 7 - The Liberator Chronicles Vol. 1

RELEASED FEBRUARY 2012

Recorded on: 23 September, 11 and 14 October 2011

Recorded at: Moat Studios

Review By Robert L. Torres

The Turing Test by Simon Guerrier

'After evading an attack by Cassini Pirates, the Liberator heads to the rogue moon of Quentil, where Avon and Vila infiltrate a top secret Federation science facility. 

Vila assumes the guise of Dr. Yarding Gill, an expert in digital memory. And Avon is his "creation" - a super-advanced android that could pass for human. In fact, he does...

Can they maintain the ruse long enough to complete their mission? And will the Cassini Pirates catch up with them?'

Chronological Placement:

Series A - set after the events of LC Vol. 7's Disorder, between episodes Mission To Destiny and Duel.

This is a very well written story starring the late Paul Darrow as Kerr Avon, ably supported by Michael Keating as Vila Restal.

I love how the story is structured with Avon recounting these events AFTER the fact, like he was recording then for posterity into a dictaphone. I loved that Guerrier's writing didn't fall into the trap of having Avon try to do other voices or say 'said Blake', 'said Jenna' and so on. Nothing felt disruptive to the narrative and having Vila around never felt intrusive.

Kudos to Michael Keating for slipping back into the role of Vila Restal with relative ease. He will be quite reliable in a support capacity during many of these audios, and even get a chance at the spotlight... Which we will examine in due course. Right now, he lends his exceptional charm in this undercover mission posing as the scientist responsible for "creating" Avon.

Still, this story belongs to Paul Darrow, and he does a great job. It was a great story about what it means to be alive, what it means to be human and even serving as an examination of Avon himself. It was a nice inverse of the usual sort of questions regarding machine life wishing to be more human. Here we have a human considering himself to be more machine than man.

That is the interesting thing about Avon. Most scifi programs that deal with space travel tend to have an archetypical character known as the 'royal smart person'. For Star Trek TOS it was Spock, for Star Trek TNG it was Data, for DS9 it was Dax (and to a certain extent Bashir), for Voyager it was Seven of Nine, for Enterprise it was... Who the hell knows since everyone on that show was an idiot. As for Discovery... I honestly don't know cuz I haven't watched Discovery yet, but that's beside the point.

Avon is exceptional in his characterization only in that his desire to focus on pure logic and suppress his emotions does not come without its own drawbacks. Despite his intellect and skill with computers, he is someone that is also socially and emotionally cut off from others due to an inability to trust. He is also someone that sees the futility in giving over to emotional and irrational hysterics in order to showcase that he cares. Avon's intelligence also comes with a certain amount of ego, as he knows that he is smarter than many of his contemporaries, and much of the logic he embraces stems from a certain degree of self-serving self-interest.

His desire to assist in the situation with the AI android 14 stems from having an affinity with another creature of pure logic, and not wanting such a creature to be exploited and corrupted to further the aims and agendas of the Federation. This story is a great reminder of why Avon is a great antihero, as he is still willing to do the right thing in spite of himself.

Final Score: 8 out of 10 Plasma Bolts

Solitary by Nigel Fairs

‘Vila is in solitary confinement. His friends have abandoned him, his only contact with the world outside is Nyrron, a scientist from the planet Auron.

Amnesiac and confused, Vila attempts to piece together recent events... A mission to Dulcimer 4. An important meeting. And a visit to the jungle world of Terrulis Major.

In the depths of the foliage, the truth is waiting. And it's more terrifying than Vila could possible have imagined...’

Chronological Placement:

Series B - between episodes Redemption and Shadow.

I really do not have much to say about this story as it is profoundly unremarkable and is a major clunker in terms of execution of its concept, as well as the first person narration.

It has some interesting ideas, there is a central mystery that is interesting, with Vila finding himself in solitary confinement and abandoned by his friends, and we are introduced to a semi recurring guest character in the form of Auron scientist Gustav Nyrron, played by Anthony Howell ('Dr. David Keel' of the The Avengers: Lost Episodes range). 

Nyrron himself is an interesting character as an ally for Blake and the Resistance, which begs the question why Cally wasn’t involved in this story as well.  Because for an Auron scientist, he actually spends most of the time acting like either a reasonable interrogator or a benevolent psychiatrist for the imprisoned Vila. 

The whole story itself is not executed terribly well.  The Vila character spends a good chunk of the first few moments talking to himself, and then when Nyrron comes into the narrative, Vila spends the rest of the runtime being asked if he remembers certain events, and then goes on to basically recount events that lead up to meeting Nyrron and then goes on to tell Nyrron things that he already knows about. 

As a Vila centric story, its also not terribly good, not even with certain unexpected revelations made. This story does Vila no favors and we don't learn much about Nyrron either.  Fortunately, those are issues that would end up being rectified in later stories.  Definitely give this one a miss.

Final Score: 4 out of 10 Plasma Bolts

Counterfeit by Peter Anghelides

‘The Bovee Mining Facility: A Federation slave camp worked by disgraced scientists.

The planet shouldn't be of interest but it is: Avon's investigations reveal that it's rich in Illusium, a mineral that can change from one substance to another. With it, the Federation could be invulnerable...

Blake teleports down to Bovee, but gets more than he bargained for. There's another visitor to the facility - and his presence changes the whole game...’

Chronological Placement:

Series A - set after the events of LC Vol. 1's The Turing Test, between episodes Mission To Destiny and Duel.

This is not a bad Blake focus story, with added support from Avon. However, what we get is a pretty standard adventure with Blake hoping to obtain certain materials and destroy the means of that material being reproduced in another effort to cripple the Federation's power. We even get in an appearance by Travis, Blake's personal nemesis, to lure him into a trap.

There isn't a whole lot to say about the story because of how standard and basic it all is. The fact that the story is done on audio does play in well into certain revelations and surprise twists made within the narrative. Many of which I will not speak on as it goes into spoiler territory. Other than that, the story itself is not bad, it is definitely worth a once-over. Its just unfortunate that it is also pretty average and fairly unremarkable.

Final Score: 5 out of 10 Plasma Bolts

Final score for Volume One of The Liberator Chronicles in its entirety is 6 out of 10 Plasma Bolts.

It isn't the best start to the Blake's 7 audio range as it really only has one story out of three to recommend it. Its great to hear the original actors back again, and thankfully they will be served better stories in the volumes to follow.

Special thanks to Craig Brawley of the Big Finish Listeners Facebook Group for his tireless efforts in mapping out the chronology of the audios and determining how they fit in with the established TV continuity.

[draechaeli]

Weather, Mountains, and Distance in China as Applied to the Módào Zǔshī Universe

I am a Foreign Teacher living in China and have been doing so for the last eight school years. For five and a half years I lived in Shandong Province, the same province as LanlingJin and I was a three and a half hour drive north of LanlingJin; a two to three-hour drive east and a bit south of LaolingQin; and a five to six-hour drive east and a bit north of QingheNie. For the last two and a half years I have lived in Jiangsu Province (barely) just two and a bit hours southwest of LanlingJin. But Jiangsu is the province of GusuLan and I am six hours north and a bit west of them; and not that anyone cares about MolingSu, but I’m four hours north and bit west of them. I have also travelled to every province, region, and territory that China says is China and most of those in January and February during Spring Festival Holiday. So from this experience I am going to discuss Chinese weather and a few other things that relate to the MDZS universe.

This ended up being way longer than I thought it was going to be. It was written to be read straight through. But as I’m pretty sure I’m the only one that cares and it goes through my thought process on the topic I have labelled each section so you can scroll down until you see the subheading you are interested in.

My Introduction to MDZS

My friend, told me about MDZS and the Untamed like 1 November 2019. I was at first skeptical as I have seen lots of Chinese shows playing in bars, at restaurants, or on long bus trips (the latter being where I’ve sort of had to see entire episodes and films) and generally Chinese TV shows are low on plot and have the same set character archetypes (not the point of this post so feel free to disagree, but I’m not here to argue). So honestly I was skeptical, but November is National Novel Writing Month, so even if I wanted to I hadn’t had the time. I also knew that I was going to be seeing said friend in Cambodia during Spring Festival Holiday and we would watch it then. Prior to going to Cambodia, I travelled with my Chinese friend Dean for eight days, but then he had to return home to spend Spring Festival with his family and I continued in my travelling.

I told Dean about how my friend was going to make me watch the Untamed and how it was based on a book and how it despite restrictions is still pretty gay. Dean didn’t believe me, but a couple days at home with nothing to do and plenty of wifi, and he had watched the Untamed before I could even meet up with my other friend!

Cloud Recesses in the Untamed - Mountains and Canal Cities

So that first scene where you see Cloud Recesses, I was like: oh I know those mountains! And my friend said that most of the places were really in China and sent me this map. As I continued watching well I was mostly caught up in the story but the snow kept bothering me, but there was never snow that stayed on the ground in the Untamed so I forgot it quickly. At a later rewatch I thought the Cloud Recesses mountains looked a lot like the mountains at ZhangJiaJie (the floating mountains that were the model for Avatar) in Hunan further west of where GusuLan is situated. According to the Untamed Wikipedia page the filming was done in Hengdian World Studios and Guizhou (also pretty far west). I am however a fan of climbing mountains and have climbed a lot of mountains in China, so I could be remembering mountains wrong.

Where the questions came up was fanfiction. And I have never stopped reading a fic because they talked about a lot more snow then I had ever seen in the particular area of China. And Cloud Recesses having towering mountains as they depict from afar in both the live action and the donghua. When I’m watching the mountain is a back drop, but often fics make the mountains or snow part of the plot and it’s too late because I already think of Gusu being Suzhou a very famous canal city south of me and we get like once a year two cm of snow that lasts maybe two hours. And the translator’s note at the end of Refinement Part 1 says that Cloud Recesses got its name from a phrase of Jia Dao’s poem, not the height of the mountains.

In general, I know that a lot of English fic writers just didn’t know the weather in China or perhaps hadn’t seen the map that showed you where everything in China was situated. And were using context clues like the disciples of YunmengJiang laying topless on floorboards in the summer heat in the extras from the book or the snow seen in both the Untamed and MDZS the donghua. And I had brushed it off as artistic license the height of the mountain of Cloud Recesses bugged me and made me do research for my own personal piece of mind.

I will admit I have not been to Suzhou, I skipped it when I was being a tourist in Jiangsu Province as the internet said it was a big tourist spot and could be very crowded, so I chose to go to a different canal town. Then I moved to Xuzhou in Jiangsu. And in Chinese the biggest thing is said first so I would have to say in Chinese when asked where I was moving to or later where I lived: Jiangsu, Xuzhou. The other thing I didn’t know despite having studied Chinese in college, that I learned from Dean when I complained about this problem is that all Yu (Yu, Yue, Yun, Yuan) and Xu (Xu, Xue, Xun, Xuan) no matter the tone are pronounced with a umlaut on the u so: Yü, Yüe, Yün, Yüan, Xü, Xüe, Xün, and Xüan. So, despite the fact that I pronouncing (disregarding tone for the following examples, and written by use of correlating English words and names) Xuzhou as Shoe-joe every Chinese person thought I said Suzhou (which I would say as Sue-joe). So, I heard a lot of: “Suzhou?! It’s so beautiful! And with all the water!” never anything about mountains.

Now, Guilin, Guangxi is a city that is absolutely gorgeous and has a lot of mountains, there is one called the Solitary Beauty Peak (152m), which is literally a vaguely rectangular mountain, with very sheer faces (and steep stairs carved in to get to the top), in the middle of a very flat expanse (behind the yellow building in the picture - January 2014).

Which means that similar mountains could be in Suzhou. And Gusu was named after Gusu Mountain so I did an exhaustive search with multiple map apps, google, and baidu to find the mountains in Suzhou and their heights. In the end the mountains in Suzhou are not very tall.

 Practical Experience with Snowfall in China

My first year in China my city got snow in December, maybe about 10 cms, but it was cold enough that it didn’t melt; and so we had snow for pretty much the whole winter with a sprinkling of a couple more cms added here and there. That year, I went to the Great Wall in the winter and signed up to go to Mutianyu a section of the wall pretty far from Beijing (north of all places in MDZS), but we couldn’t get to it due to snow, so we went to another section, Juyongguan, which wasn’t snowed out and it didn’t have too much snow on it maybe just a couple cms of snow built up in corners of steps and the like. That was the last time we really got snow that stayed. A few years later we got maybe a few cms but not a lot of snow. When I went to Sichuan (in 2014; where MeishanYu is) I remember leaving the Chengdu airport in a car and looking out the window to see snow dusted palm trees, something I had thought I really wouldn’t have ever seen, but that was probably the most snow that I had seen for that trip. The 12th edition of the China Lonely Planet book does state that the canals of Suzhou are very beautiful covered in snow in December. But based on how I’ve seen less snow further north than Suzhou makes me wonder how consistent it is.

Temperatures on Mountain Tops in China

I went to Ürümqi, Xinjiang the very tail end of June in 2019. July is the hottest time in Xinjiang and the temperature while I was there was generally about 30-45°C. One day I went to Tian Chi a lake in the Heavens Mountain (Tianshan) range, the lake is below the Peak of God (Bogeda Feng) that according to my Lonely Planet is a 5445m peak. Which now that I’m looking at the book, I know I hadn’t before going to Ürümqi, because the book says to bring warm clothing and I hadn’t. I took a tour bus up to the lake (I think that is the most common option. And around the lake it didn’t feel as hot as it was down in Ürümqi and when I went to take the cable car most of the way up Bogeda Feng, I remember seeing winter jackets for rent. At that moment I thought it was strange and pointless in the warmest time for the area despite that it was definitely getting chilly enough that I put on the light jacket (that prior to that point was mainly for sun protection) on. When I got out of the cable car near the top it was definitely cold. Many of the other hikers were in winter jackets and as you climbed up to the peak your breath definitely misted like it was winter! But that is the only time that has happened to me climbing mountains in China. I climbed Huangshan a mountain in Anhui, west and a bit south of Gusu. It has an elevation of 1873m and I climbed it in May, and there was no discernible temperature difference between the top and the bottom of the mountain.

The Yangtze River – divider of whether your home is heated or not

The Yangtze River is what China uses as a divider of north and south China. In the present day this is seen as whether or not your home gets central heating in the winter. When I lived in Shandong province (north of the Yangtze), the central heating was turned on 1 November and turned off the 1 March (I think, I’m remembering that correctly). Each province decides how cold it is and for how long and has different rules for central heating. No matter what you don’t have control over the temperature of the central heating, and everyone has to survive with an AC/Heating mounted wall unit, and/or portable heaters.

Jiangsu is a province that the Yangtze cuts through, which means you might get central heating. I moved to Xuzhou, which is spitting distance to Shandong province, in May (I got transferred to cover a sick teacher). So I was put up in the teacher’s housing on the college campus, and it did have central heating, the flat also had screened in windows above the doors that didn’t have glass and therefore would be open year-round. When I said I wanted to stay in the city and teach for the next year I got an off-campus flat in a community maybe 1.5 kms down the road—no central heating. Fall 2019 my community was offered central heating, we would have had to pay to get it installed, and it would only be installed if enough people said yes because it would be done for the whole community at that point. If we got the central heating it would have only been turned on December-February, and as the Spring Festival break at the school was an entire month it wasn’t worth it. And that time I went to Sichuan (everyone says south, but I think it has a bit of the Yangtze in it) all the restaurants were open fronted with no solid doors at all. Though the AC/Heating mounted wall unit in my hotel room (a small hotel outside of the city proper with a squat toilet in the bathroom (I’ve only seen squat toilets in two Chinese hotels)) was the best heater ever. My hotel room was so much warmer than any flat I’ve had in China, because even if it was a cheap hotel the AC/Heating mounted wall units needed to work well in Sichuan because it was the only source of heat.

 MDZS Cities on the Yangtze and Old Names for the River

So west to east the cities that are close/on the Yangtze are: Meishan - north, Kuizhou - north bank, Yiling - north bank, Baling - south bank, Yunmeng - north, Moling south (the Yangtze goes through Nanjing so maybe it has bank space), and Gusu - south (possibly in the delta).

According to the Yangtze Wikipedia Page, which I have kept open in a tab in Firefox for reference since I started writing fic—People in Ancient China didn’t realise that the river was a single river and therefore each section of the river, had its own name and was thought to be its own river (the following is mostly just copied from Wikipedia).

For Meishan, Kuizhou, and Yiling, the river through Sichuan and Chongqing Municipality was known as the Chuan Jiang (川江; Chuān Jiāng) or "Sichuan River." The Wikipedia page specifically states that Yichang modern day Yiling as the last/most eastern city to call the Yangtze thus.

In Hubei, this would be Yunmeng and Yiling, but Yiling followed the pattern of the places further west. And I’m going to assume Baling despite being in Hunan; the river is also called the Jing Jiang (荆江; Jīngjiāng) or the "Jing River" after Jingzhou.

In Anhui (which has no sects), the river takes on the local name Wan Jiang after the shorthand name for Anhui, wǎn (皖).

For Gusu and Moling, it was the Yangzi Jiang (揚子江; 扬子江; Yángzǐjiāng) or the "Yangzi River," from which the English name Yangtze is derived, is the local name for the Lower Yangtze in the region of Yangzhou. The name likely comes from an ancient ferry crossing called Yangzi or Yangzijin (揚子 / 揚子津; Yángzǐ / Yángzǐjīn). Europeans who arrived in the Yangtze River Delta region applied this local name to the whole river.

The dividing site between upstream and midstream is considered to be at Yichang (Yiling) and that between midstream and downstream at Hukou (Jiujiang).

Winter Weather in Terms of Whether or Not Long Underwear Should be Worn in Various MDZS Cities

Another way to think of it is in terms of long underwear. I wore long underwear in my city in Shandong province, the pants, and a long undershirt. Typically, three layers on top when indoors, maybe with a fourth sweater when the room I was in wasn’t heated and thick socks over regular ones. In Xuzhou I wore maybe the long underwear bottoms but not the top because my classroom actually has a heater in it, but I usually wore a sweater. When I visited Xi’an, Shaanxi (YueyangChang and 2hrs west of QishanWen), Nanjing, Jiangsu (MolingSu), and when I went to Chengdu, Sichuan (1.5 hours north of Meishan) I wore long underwear (though it was particularly cold that year in Chengdu). When I went to Hangzhou, Zhejiang (south of TingshanHe; Tingshan is hard to pinpoint), Changsha, Hunan (2 hours south of BalingOuyang), and Wuhan, Hubei (3 hrs north of BalingOuyang and 1.25 hours south of YunmengJiang) I had long underwear with me but didn’t necessarily wear it. I do remember in Wuhan this tree that had little pink blooms on it at the end of January. I didn’t have long underwear with me when I went to Chongqing, I could have sworn I actually went to Kuizhou Ancient City (or another Ancient City/Street) but I can’t find pictures from it. The city I visited before Chongqing, I visited an ancient city so I could be mixing these up. But I remember it being Chongqing and getting a foot massage in an open-air shop in an ancient street and being covered in blankets because it was pretty chilly.  

Comparative Temperatures based on their North Parallels

I live in Maine in the US, so a place with lots of snow. When I first came to China my family and I were looking at the map and thought that Maine and my city in Shandong looked to be in a line so the weather would be similar—it wasn’t, but it is a good theory; and something I spent a lot of time thinking might be sound as Maine and Shandong province aren’t on the same parallels so I thought there was still a chance that it would correlate elsewhere. The two most northern sects QingheNie at 37°04’ and LaolingQin 37°26’, according to Wikipedia, which continues to tell me that other notable places on the 37th parallel. The  37th parallel separates out Utah, Colorado, and Kansas on the north side from Arizona, New Mexico, and Oklahoma on the South. It also passes through the Mediterranean Sea; the Aegean Sea; the Caspian Sea; the Sea of Japan; the Yellow Sea; just south of Antequera, Spain; the island of Sicily, Italy; the island of  Honshū, Japan; Gilgit-Baltistan, Pakistan/India; and through Algeria, Tunisia, Turkey, Iraq, Iran, Turkmenistan, Afghanistan, Tajikistan, and South Korea.

I just moved to Zhengzhou, Henan (34°45′50″N), when I asked about the weather I was told it was comparable to Washington DC (38°54′17″N). I keep getting told that Zhengzhou is the centre of China and it is kind of the centre of where all the sects are: north 1.5 hours from YingchuanWang and 5.5 hours from YunmengJiang; south 3.5 hours from QingheNie; and east 6 hours from YueyangChan.

Conclusion for Winter Weather in Gusu and Summary of Chinese Summers

So, based on my experiences, any of the mountains in Suzhou just wouldn’t have a discernible temperature difference from the top of the mountain and the bottom of the mountain. And despite “Snow-covered views of the pretty canal towns of Suzhou in winter” I would assume that it doesn’t actually get that much snow.

So enough about how cold and snowy China is, summer-wise it is generally too, too hot. For the level of cold in the winter, I would have assumed there would be milder summers but where I have lived and visited that has not been the case. When I asked the teacher I was replacing in Shandong about the weather of the city I was told that it went from ‘freezing your pants off to fucking hot’ and it was true one day you’d be wearing a jacket and maybe for a week you’d be in jeans and a tee and then you’d be sweating while wearing the least amount of clothing possible. I’ve definitely seen 30°C days in May.

Rundown of the Climate, Average Temperatures, Rainfall, and Humidity for all MDZS Cities

So you don’t have to here is what Wikipedia says about the climate of the cities of the  different areas so you don’t have to look it up yourselves (pretty much copy and pasted):

Baling – (is present day Yueyang different characters and city from the YueyangChang Sect seat). The average high for the year is 21°C/69.7°F and the low 14.9°C/58.8°F.  January being the coldest month with an average low of 2.7°C/36.7°F and an average high of 8.1°C/46.6°F. July is the hottest month with an average low of 26.6°C/79.9°F and an average high of 32.2°C/90°F. Average humidity ranges from 73% in December to 79% in June (with a yearly average of 77%). The most average rainfall is in June, the rain heavy months being April-July, compared to the remaining months March and August also have a lot of rain.

Gusu - has a four-season humid subtropical climate with hot, humid summers and cool, cloudy, damp winters with occasional snowfall (Köppen climate classification Cfa). North-westerly winds blowing from Siberia during winter can cause temperatures to fall below freezing at night, while southerly or south-westerly winds during the summer can push temperatures above 35 °C (95 °F). The average high for the year is 19.9°C/67.8°F and the low 12.5°C/54.5°F.  January being the coldest month with an average low of 0.5°C/32.9°F and an average high of 7.7°C/45.9°F. July is the hottest month (by 0.1°C over August) with an average low of 24.8°C/76.6°F and an average high of 31.6°C/88.9°F. Average humidity ranges from 65% in November to 77% in July (with a yearly average of 71%). The most average rainfall is in September, the rain heavy months being June-September, April (102.3 mm) and May (114.5) are petty rainy too, May is still 14mm less rain then July (the lowest of the high rain months).

Kuizhou - has a humid subtropical climate (Köppen Cfa), bordering on a monsoonal humid subtropical climate (Köppen Cwa) and for most of the year experiences very high relative humidity, with all months above 75%. Known as one of the "Three Furnaces" of the Yangtze river, its summers are long and among the hottest and most humid in China, with highs of 33 to 34 °C (91 to 93 °F) in July and August in the urban area.Winters are short and somewhat mild, but damp and overcast. The city's location in the Sichuan Basin causes it to have one of the lowest annual sunshine totals nationally. With over 100 days of fog per year, is known as the "Fog City" The average high for the year is 22.1°C/71.8°F and the low 15.8°C/60.4°F.  January being the coldest month with an average low of 6.2°C/43.2°F and an average high of 10.3°C/50.5°F. August is the hottest month (by 0.2°C over July) with an average low of 24.7°C/76.5°F and an average high of 33.2°C/91.8°F. The most average rainfall is in June, the rain heavy months being June and July, but May and August are petty rainy too.

Lanling - has a monsoon-influenced climate with generous summer precipitation, cold, dry winters, and hot, humid summers. Under the Köppen climate classification, it is in the transition from the humid subtropical zone (Cwa) to the humid continental zone (Dwa), though favouring the former. More than half of the annual precipitation of 833 mm (32.8 in) falls in July and August alone, and the frost-free period is above 200 days. The average high for the year is 19.1°C/66.3°F and the low 9.5°C/49.1°F.  January being the coldest month with an average low of -4.3°C/24.3°F and an average high of 4.4°C/39.9°F. July is the hottest month (by 0.7°C over August) with an average low of 23°C/73.4°F and an average high of 30.7°C/87.3°F

Laoling - The average high for the year is 19.3°C/66.7°F and the low 9.4°C/48.9°F.  January being the coldest month with an average low of -5.6°C/21.9°F and an average high of 3.4°C/38.1°F. June is the hottest month with an average low of 20.2°C/68.4°F and an average high of 32.1°C/89.8°F. Average humidity ranges from 52% in March to 78% in August (with a yearly average of 63%). The most average rainfall is in July, the rain heavy months being July and August by quite a margin. July has on average 90 mm more rain then June (the month with the third highest rainfall).

Meishan - The average high for the year is 21.3°C/70.3°F and the low 14.3°C/57.7°F.  January being the coldest month with an average low of 4.1°C/39.4°F and an average high of 10.1°C/50.2°F. July is the hottest month (though the record high temperature was in August) with an average low of 22.9°C/73.2°F and an average high of 30.7°C/86.5°F. Average humidity ranges from 74% in May to 84% in January, August, October, and December (with a yearly average of 81%). The most average rainfall is in August, the rain heavy months being July and August, June (144 mm) and September (130.4) are petty rainy too, June is still 87mm less rainy then July (the lowest of the high rain months) and September gets 42.5mm more rain than the 5th rainiest month—May.

Moling - has a humid subtropical climate (Köppen Cfa) and is influenced by the East Asian monsoon. The four seasons are distinct, with damp conditions seen throughout the year, very hot and muggy summers, cold, damp winters, and in between, spring and autumn are of reasonable length. Known as one of the "Three Furnaces" along the Yangtze River for the perennially high temperatures in the summertime. However, the time from mid-June to the end of July is the plum blossom blooming season in which the meiyu (rainy season of East Asia; literally "plum rain") occurs, during which the city experiences a period of mild rain as well as dampness. Typhoons are uncommon but possible in the late stages of summer and early part of autumn. The annual mean temperature is around 15.91 °C (60.6 °F), with the monthly 24-hour average temperature ranging from 2.7 °C (36.9 °F) in January to 28.1 °C (82.6 °F) in July. Extremes since 1951 have ranged from −14.0 °C (7 °F) on 6 January 1955 to 40.7 °C (105 °F) on 22 August 1959. The average high for the year is 20.6°C/69.1°F and the low 12.1°C/53.8°F.  January being the coldest month with an average low of -0.7°C/30.7°F and an average high of 7.2°C/45°F. July is the hottest month with an average low of 24.9°C/76.8°F and an average high of 32.2°C/90°F. On average precipitation falls 115 days out of the year, and the average annual rainfall is 1,090 mm (43 in). The most average rainfall is in July, the rain heavy months being June through August. August (143.5mm) is the least rainy of the three and still gets on average 52.8 mm more rain then May the 4th rainiest month. July has the most days of rain (12.3), but both March (only 80.4mm) and August have the second most days of rain (11.8).With monthly percent possible sunshine ranging from 37 percent in March to 52 percent in August, the city receives 1,926 hours of bright sunshine annually. Average humidity ranges from 71% in April and May to 80% in July and August (with a yearly average of 75%).

Qinghe - has a continental, monsoon-influenced semi-arid climate (Köppen BSk), characterised by hot, humid summers due to the East Asian monsoon, and generally cold, windy, very dry winters that reflect the influence of the vast Siberian anticyclone. Spring can bear witness to sandstorms blowing in from the Mongolian steppe, accompanied by rapidly warming, but generally dry, conditions. Autumn is similar to spring in temperature and lack of rainfall. The annual rainfall, more than half of which falls in July and August alone, is highly variable and not reliable. The average high for the year is 19.6°C/67.2°F and the low 8.8°C/47.9°F.  January being the coldest month with an average low of -6.1°C/21°F and an average high of 3.9°C/39°F. June is the hottest month with an average low of 20.2°C/68.4°F and an average high of 32.1°C/89.8°F

Qishan - The average high for the year is 18.5°C/65.3°F and the low 9°C/48.1°F.  January being the coldest month with an average low of -3.5°C/25.7°F and an average high of 5.1°C/41.2°F. July is the hottest month with an average low of 21.1°C/70°F and an average high of 30.9°C/87.6°F. The record high temperature from (1971-2000) in January was 20.7°C/69.3°F which is the lowest of the record highs. The highest was in August at 41.6°C/106.9°F. The most average rainfall is in August but had the most days of rain in September (the rain heavy months being June-September).

Tingshan - The average high for the year is 20.5°C/68.9 °F and the low 13.1°C/55.6°F.  January being the coldest month with an average low of 0.9°C/33.6°F and an average high of 7.5°C/45.5°F. July is the hottest month with an average low of 25.3°C/77.5°F and an average high of 32.6°C/90.7°F. Average humidity ranges from 75% in April and May to 82% in September (with a yearly average of 78%). The most average rainfall is in June, the rain heavy months being June-August, March (121.2 mm), May (113.4mm), and September ( 109mm) are petty rainy too, March still has 34.2 mm less rain then August (the lowest of the high rain months). March also has the most days of rain (15.2), followed by June (14.8), then April and July (13.7).

Yiling - has a four-season, monsoon-influenced, humid subtropical climate (Köppen Cwa), with cool, damp and generally overcast winters, and hot, humid summers. The monthly 24-hour average temperature ranges from 5.0 °C (41.0 °F) in January to 27.7 °C (81.9 °F) in July, while the annual mean is 17.08 °C (62.7 °F). The average high for the year is 21.6°C/70.9°F and the low 13.7°C/56.6°F.  January being the coldest month with an average low of 2.2°C/36°F and an average high of 8.8°C/47.8°F. July is the hottest month with an average low of 24.3°C/75.7.°F and an average high of 32.3°C/90.1°F. Close to 70% of the annual precipitation of 1,160 mm (46 in) occurs from May to September. The most average rainfall is in July, the rain heavy months being June-August; May (124.4mm), and September (115.3mm) are petty rainy too, May still has17.8 mm less rain then June (the lowest of the high rain months). July has the most days of rain (15.1), followed by June (14.1), then May (13.5).With monthly percent possible sunshine ranging from 24% in January to 49% in August, the city receives 1,568 hours of bright sunshine annually, and summer is the sunniest season. Average humidity ranges from 73% in February, March, April and December to 80% in July (with a yearly average of 75%).

Yingchuan - has a monsoon-influenced humid subtropical climate (Köppen Cwa), with four distinct seasons. Winters are cool and dry, summers hot and humid, spring begins early and is warm, and autumn is mild and provides a reasonable transition. Rain mainly falls from May to September, as more than 70% of the annual precipitation occurs then. The city has an annual mean temperature of at 14.5 °C (58.1 °F), and its highest average monthly temperature is 27.1 °C (80.8 °F) in July and the lowest is 0.7 °C (33.3 °F) in January. Just over 700 millimetres (28 in) of precipitation falls each year, and there is on average 217 frost-free days and 2280 hours of sunshine per year. The average high for the year is 20.2°C/68.4°F and the low 9.7°C/49.5°F.  January being the coldest month with an average low of -3.6°C/25.5°F and an average high of 6.1°C/43°F. July is the hottest month (by 0.2°C over June) with an average low of 23.1°C/73.6°F and an average high of 32°C/89.6°F. The most average rainfall is in July, the rain heavy months being July and August; June (83.5mm) is petty rainy too, but June still has 38.2mm less rain then August (the lowest of the high rain months). July has the most days of rain (11.7), followed by August (10.6), then June (8.4).

Yueyang - has a temperate climate that is influenced by the East Asian monsoon, classified under the Köppen climate classification as situated on the borderline between a semi-arid climate (BSk) and humid subtropical climate (Cwa). The Wei River valley is characterised by hot, humid summers, cold, dry winters, and dry springs and autumns. Most of the annual precipitation is delivered from July (on average has the most rain) to late October with September having the most days of rain. Snow occasionally falls in winter but rarely settles for long. Dust storms often occur during March and April as the city rapidly warms up. Summer months also experience frequent but short thunderstorms. The average high for the year is 19.5°C/67.1°F and the low 9.7°C/49.5°F.  January being the coldest month with an average low of -3.3°C/26.1°F and an average high of 5.1°C/41.2°F. July is the hottest month with an average low of 22.3°C/72.1°F and an average high of 32.4°C/90.3°F. Average humidity ranges from 61% in June to 77% in September (with a yearly average of 68%)

Yunmeng - The average high for the year is 21.1°C/70°F and the low 12.8°C/55.1°F.  January being the coldest month with an average low of 0.2°C/32.4°F and an average high of 3.9°C/39°F. July is the hottest month (by 0.2°C over August) with an average low of 25.2°C/77.4°F and an average high of 32.2°C/90°F. Average humidity ranges from 75% in December to 83% in July (with a yearly average of 79%)

Dafan Mountain and Phoenix Mountian

That being said, I was trying to find Dafan Mountain on a map for a fanfic I was writing. I have a Chinese copy of MDZS and I was originally having trouble finding the characters used for Dafan Mountain. When I did, Baidu was not at all helpful every webpage was for MDZS and/or CQL. So I asked Dean who replied that he didn’t know, as the places in the book are all made up, at which time I sent him a copy of the map that my other friend had shown me with the actual names of the present day cities for the five main sects. And I did a search for “where is Dafan mountain” which worked for things like: “where is Moling”, for the Dafan search the results were things like which chapter/episode is Dafan or ‘where was Wen Ning before Dafan?’ My confusion came from the fact that the town below Dafan is called Buddha’s Feet—and I have been there. In Chongqing there is a district called Dazu (大足), Buddha’s Feet which had Buddhist cave paintings so there are also mountains. Edit: I went back and looked for pictures, it’s not actually very mountain-y and is named for some giant footprints.

It took longer to find, because as I had learned there is just too many ways that you could write Buddha’s Feet in Chinese and have it interpreted as Buddha’s Feet. In the book it is called 佛脚镇 (Fójiǎo Zhèn) or Buddha’s Foot town, which isn’t a real place in China according to Baidu. So for my own fic purposes I decided that it was going to be in Chongqing. And then later, when I was actually putting together a map on Google I double checked for places like Dafan and found one. 大梵山 Dafan Shan (same characters and everything) is a 207m mountain in South Korea called Keun Beom San (?) 큰범산.

Phoenix Mountain was another one that I had a hard time looking for in the book as there are multiple ways to say Phoenix in Chinese and it is generally a compound word including Feng (风) which usually means wind and the name of the mountain in Chinese is 百风山 (Bǎifèng shān) and could also be translated as the Hundred Wind Mountain. And all though it sounds like a very good mountain name ‘phoenix’ or ‘wind’-wise there is no such mountain that I could find.

My Own Map Making Explained

Before I made my own map I looked for other maps online, ones that talked about the smaller sects. For the purposes of my fic I needed to know where the YueyangChang clan was situated, and where Xue Yang would be, or coming from, or going to. I found this map online. It is a very good map but it uses the present day name instead of the book names so I got super confused. For example that map has a Liyang, Leling, and Yueling, none of which I could find on the MDZS wiki as being connected to a sect.

What I ended up doing is writing the names of the cities into Pleco, a Chinese-English dictionary app, so if I type in yueyang the first three are: Yuèyáng (岳阳) a prefecture-level city in Hunan; yuèyáng (越洋) a verb meaning cross the ocean; and yuè yáng (栎阳) a place in Shaanxi Province. I took the place names and searched for them in my Chinese copy of the book and hit on 栎阳. Then I put it in Baidu, Baidu Maps, and Apple Maps to see where it would turn up—it turned up in Xi’an. Well, Liyang from that second map is also 栎阳. And when I look at the map apps with pinyin the section of Xi’an in question is also labelled as Liyang.

Leling was harder—or easier I guess it depends on how you look at it. I ended up looking it up straight from the second map Pleco suggested 乐陵 the county level city in Dezhou, which I found in the book 乐陵秦—LaolingQin. This I don’t understand at all 乐 is lè or yuè and yet we call them LaolingQin. So there you have it. Edit: while writing the weather section (which I did after this though it comes first in the post) I A. realised I’d been writing Yaoling instead of Laoling and B. that the Laoling County-level City Wikipedia page said that Laoling often gets mispronounced as Leling because the character 乐 is only ever elsewhere lè or yuè.

Tingshan was the last one that gave me problems. It is written 亭山 and there are actually a couple mountains called Tingshan, with the same characters one near Qufu in Shandong province, and two in Zhejiang province one north of Hangzhou and the other sort of south of Hangzhou, in Shaoxing (the one that comes up the most often in Baidu searches). Then I found a Chinese site discussing the ancient city of Tingshan City which is “In today's Zhejiang Deqing County East 24 Li (1 Li = 0.5 km)” so I put Deqing county on my map and then realised that the same site says that Tingshan is also 200 paces southwest of the county and then mentions a Wuxing ji (吴兴记) but I could find a Wuxing District (吴兴区) of Huzhou City the same city as Deqing county. Wuxing was north east of Deqing and that was when I realised that the two possible dots of Tingshan on my map were close to the dot of Yueling on the second map I had found. And I found a Yueling (越岭) in Huzhou and it was southwest of Wuxing (not sure about 200 paces or not), so I differed to the wisdom of that second map.

I have made my own map with the labels of all places I could find on a map. I labelled them with the sect names or if they had no sect associated with them just the city name. Sadly Baixue Temple, Phoenix Mountain, Dust Creek Mountain, Mo Village, and Dafan Mountain/Buddha’s Feet (though my map does include Dazu in Chongqing, as a point of interest) could not be found and added to the map. And of course we have no clue where Sect leader Yao came from and I kind of wish we could send him back off into the nothing, but he is there to add strife I suppose.

River Travel- Lotus Pier wasn’t the closest Sect to Yiling

I got to a part in my own fic where I needed them to take a bout between Yiling and Yunmeng and realised that while Yiling is on the Yangtze, Yunmeng is not and instead is on a tributary of the Yangtze. I did a cursory search for ancient river boat speeds and found an archaeological paper that tested seven ancient boats one of which was a Singapore Sampan it wasn’t very fast. So I just decided to write it off as cultivating boats get people there faster.

Even though I had already wrote the boat scene of my fic when I was looking at my map I noticed Google’s measuring tool. So for fun, I used the Google Maps measuring tool to measure river distance between Yiling and Yunmeng after I put all the city markers on. Yiling is on the Yangtze and Yunmeng has a couple Yangtze tributaries that run through it that meet up in the Wuhan area. The Yangtze dips south after Yiling and then goes back up to Wuhan. Yiling to Yunmeng is 444 km by river if you leave the Yangtze by Jingzhou and travel through Chang Lake (I cheated and connected to Hanshui River with what looks like a manmade river, maybe, it is very straight and appears to cut through the lake) then it is a lot of small rivers to get to Yunmeng. I thought maybe even though the Yangtze goes further south and Wuhan is further east than Yunmeng since it is a bigger river it might still be shorter. However, 397 km east of Yiling following the Yangtze in Baling! I remember in CQL Sect Leader Yao suggests Lotus Pier after the second siege of the Burial Mounds (I might be remembering wrong), but well he appears friendly with Ouyang, and they are a smaller sect.

Conclusion

So, while the sects live in actual places, today they are generally just districts in larger cities, because the urbanisation of China has resulted in many villages becoming districts of bigger cities. And while some of the places in the book are made up (Yunping City being another one that I cannot find anywhere) they are reasonably named that they are not far outside of the realm of possibility. Also China is a large country that discourages people from moving around, as you always have to return to the place of your birth (or your parents’ birth) to get paperwork and the like for visas, etc. Therefore, I believe perhaps inside China the knowledge of where these places are or the height of their mountains or their amount of snow is not something that is thought about by people as much as I think of these things.

[wigwurq]

WIG REVIEW: THE QUEEN’S GAMBIT

Yes it’s true - the only things I’ve been watching lately are prestige TV shows starring women with bad red wigs. I’ll get back to movies someday!! In the meantime, I finally watched all of this miniseries that has Netflix and the world aflame with love - and I am aflame too....WITH HATRED OF ALL OF THESE WIGS!!! I have so much to discuss with this show, y’all. A friend of mine (who hasn’t watched this show yet) probably said it best when he told me he thought the wigs in this show were supposed to be wigs WITHIN the narrative of the show (and therefore allowed to be bad): “wait I thought this was about a chess spy - that’s supposed to be her real hair? NO” INDEED!!! Let’s take it episode by episode (SPOILERS ABOUND) and DISCUSS.

Episode 1 - Openings

We begin in Paris, 1967. Beth Harmon, chess champion (?) awakens in a bath of ice (?) in the dark of her hotel room, clearly hung over or maybe still drunk. Her red ‘60s flip wig looks like HELL as does she, so...ok I guess this bad wig wurqs...for now. She sits herself down to play CHESS!! This whole show is about chess, obviously, and everyone is just mad about chess now! I am mad, too, because the show does not make chess seem interesting or sexy and I still hate it. 

Anyway, we rewind about 10 (?) years to a young Beth Harmon, who is suddenly orphaned after her mom definitely commits suicide via car accident. Her mom has super short bangs and cries a lot. We see some even further flashbacks to an even younger Beth IN THE MOST OUTRAGEOUS BABY WIG (MORE ON THAT LATER). We learn that her mom is very unhinged, but also probably brilliant, as Beth herself will become later. LET’S HOPE SHE NEVER GETS HER DRIVER’S LICENCE (note: she never does?)

Apparently the mid to late ‘50s were all about very VERY short bangs, and on this non-wigged little girl I guess that is fine.

BUT THEN! She is brought to an orphanage where they burn her old clothes (YES REALLY!) and cut her hair into a bob (the kid’s actual hair so again - ok!) and also give her and all the other girls constant drugs! The 1950s were really wild, amiright? If I have learned anything from movies set at orphanages in the 50s, drug abuse was the main issue (the only movie I’m referring to is obviously The Cider House Rules and the only thing I remember about that movie is that Michael Caine had an ether addiction). Anyway, the sedative drugs make her immediately put her hand on a hot radiator (safety first, orphanage!) 

She also makes friends with an older girl named Jolene (I LOVE THE NAME) who teachers her to save the sedative drugs for nighttime when they can help her sleep. Great advice, Jolene! Also: there is absolutely no way that African American Jolene would be in an integrated orphanage in mid-50s KENTUCKY but this is just the beginning of issues I have with this series......

Moving on! In avoiding the orphanage’s weird insistence on Jesusy choir practice, she discovers the basement realm of janitor Bill Camp, who never actually does any janitorial work (that I could see?) but definitely plays a lot of chess. And thus, her chess obsession begins! This is also helped by those sedatives she takes every night which give her really absurd chess hallucinations on the ceiling. This orphanage has it all!

Essentially, this miniseries is Valley of the Dolls if those characters got addicted to both pills and chess at the age of 9. Beth gets very VERY good at chess and some rando chess guy from the local high school comes and gives Beth a doll (BETH HATES THE DOLL BUT LOVES DOLLS DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE). And she goes to the high school and plays a bunch of terrible high school boys at chess simultaneously and beats them all. Also: the orphanage suddenly gets in trouble for giving sedatives to small children for years and Beth is PISSED. She goes through withdrawal and years for the big ol’ jar o’ pills!!!

AND THEN! During a kind of Jesusy film presentation, Beth sneaks away to the orphanage pharmacy and just goes hog wild on the pills! TRULY: Valley of the Dolls has nothing on this sequence. 

Obviously, Beth is caught pill-handed and she also spills all the pills, breaks a giant glass jar, and then falls onto both of them. SHE IS 9. I THINK I LOVE THIS SHOW.

Episode 2: Exchanges

So after Beth’s completely insane pill odyssey, she is punished by being forbidden to play chess! Fast forward an indeterminate number of years, and we meet a slightly older Beth (now played by the bewigged Anya Taylor-Joy). AND THIS WIG, Y’ALL. WOOF. Completely dried out and bent, it really makes you appreciate the fact that they just cut the younger Beth’s hair. I realize that Anya is going to go through many 50s and 60s hairstyles to come but I really wish they had just done the same and used her real hair because we are about to take a bad wig odyssey that will last throughout this series. Also! I love that Jolene is played by the same actress! How old is too old to be in an orphanage?

Speaking of age! Beth is apparently now 15 but when a super weird couple expresses interest in adopting her, the orphanage director lady lies and says Beth is 13 and everyone just goes with it....FOR THE REST OF THE SERIES. Seriously, this age difference is never ever visited again or challenged. Beth is basically 15-17 for at least 5 years and no one gives a shit. OK? Anyway, Beth is adopted by Marielle friggin Heller (aka director of Can You Ever Forgive Me? and A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood) who has a very Mamie Eisenhower wig which is just fine compared to the bent and dry-ass mess on Anya’s head.

It is later revealed that Marielle adopted Beth because her husband is mainly away on business and she needs an older gal pal around to fetch her....sedatives from the magazine store! I wonder if Beth will totally get addicted to them again! I’m no chess player but you can absolutely predict plot devices in this series about two pawns away (is that a chess term? I still don’t know or care!) 

So yes: as predicted Beth absolutely gets addicted to sedatives again (also the specific sedatives she gets addicted to are the exact same ones she was addicted to at the orphanage - WHAT A COINCIDENCE! - and also they are made up sedatives for the purposes of this show only in case we all want to get the same magical chess sedatives and see chess on the ceiling too). ALSO! Beth is still mainly addicted to chess despite the fact that she was permitted from playing it for the last 5-7 years (depending on what version of her age you’re going on?) but still is good at it? Most upsetting: she rips apart her lovely bed canopy in order to see her ceiling chess hallucinations! THE NERVE OF THIS KID!

Also nervy: bitch totally stole chess magazines from the pharmacy when she was also stealing sedatives from her adoptive mom! Kleptomania is Beth’s #3 addiction after chess and pills also comes into play when it is revealed that her new adoptive mom is kinda poor since her husband is away all the time and doesn’t give her enough money so Beth can’t enter those chess tournaments she read about in the magazines she stole. SO she writes to janitor Bill Camp and asks for $5 to enter the chess thing and if she wins she’ll send him $10. THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT PLOT POINT WHICH WILL COME INTO PLAY LATER. So Beth goes to the chess tournament where she meets some not handsome twin dudes and a very handsome other dude named Townes.

Basically all the chess dudes at this tourney suck in the same way? To be fair: if I saw Beth walking up in her ugly orphanage clothes and orphanage cut wig, I would think she sucked at chess too? Oh also - all the girls at her new high school also think her style sucks. I WONDER IF IN COMING EPISODES SHE WILL GAIN MORE STYLE AND CHESS FAME THAN ALL THESE GARBAGE PEOPLE. Spoiler: she does and also beats this dude named Harry and becomes the Kentucky chess champion. Also! Beth’s adoptive dad totally abandons her and Marielle Heller!  I still hate chess but will continue to watch this show because of its haunting wigs and lowgrade feminist vibe.

Episode 3: Doubled Pawns

This episode begins with a flashback to Beth’s shitty birth mother and her shitty banged wig and remember that time I said I was going to talk about the wig on the littlest girl who plays her? WELL HERE WE ARE. Baby Beth has the absolute WORST WIG ON THIS SHOW and given how terrible all the wigs are, that is saying a lot. This wig looks like it was ripped off an American Girl doll which had been mistreated for years and thrown of a jungle gym or something. IT IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST (as is her mom, who makes this poor kid believe she had drowned!!!) 

ANYWAY. We get a new wig in this episode!!! Beth manages to grow out her orphanage bangs and allow her hair to have a 50s wave bob. Do not be fooled by the higher quality of this cut, however - the quality of the WIG continues to very much suck! WHAT IS THIS HAIR PART! No hair underneath! And everything is still a dried out, bent mess! ALSO HER ROOTS ARE A NIGHTMARE. This is also the episode wherein Marielle Heller basically becomes Mama Rose to Beth and really gets into Beth supporting both of them via chess winnings and becomes her chess manager (ACTUAL JOB TITLE). Also Beth gets nicer clothing. Hilariously, Marielle tells Beth’s high school that Beth is just constantly sick so she can skip school to go to chess tournaments even though Beth is straight up on the cover of Life magazine?! I wonder if this will at all come to the attention of the high school - IT DOESN’T! PLOT HOLES BE DAMNED THIS SHOW IS ABOUT CHESS! She does go to high school long enough for the snobby girls who once made fun of her to invite her to the dumbest party ever where they just sit around and ask Beth dumb questions about Chess fame and then all have a sing-along to a song Beth doesn’t know because she has no idea what pop culture is: ONLY CHESS CULTURE. I watched this show with my mom and asked if ‘60s parties were like this and she laughed her head off and said NO. ALSO! Beth’s kleptomania comes into play at this party where she steals a bottle of gin and leaves without saying goodbye to anyone. WHAT A BITCH.

Speaking of bitches, Beth meets a new chess diva in the form of Love Actually’s resident child drum prodigy! He has a character name but whatever: Love Actually is his name and he has longish shaggy (non wigged) hair and dresses like Crocodile Dundee and is loved and feared in the chess community for being such a non-nerd (?) chess player. I asked my mom if anyone dressed like this in the ‘60s and she said “NO! But I guess I didn’t know everyone” WHICH IS A GREAT ANSWER BECAUSE MY MOM DIDN’T RUN IN WEIRD CHESS CIRCLES IN THE ‘60s. We are lead to believe the ‘60s chess community of weirdos consists of the same 5 rotating dudes who are all at the same chess tournaments always and also possible love interests for Beth and she’s better at chess than all of them.

The only weirdo chess dude that Beth cares about is Townes, who you may recall from the last episode in which he was the only attractive chess dude at that first chess tournament Beth went to with borrowed Bill Camp money. Anyway, she runs into him at some chess tournament (LIKE I REMEMBER WHICH ONE PLEASE) in Las Vegas where he is now a chess reporter (ACTUAL 1960s JOB, Y’ALL). He invites Beth back to his hotel boudoir where he takes some non-boudoir pictures of her playing chess and Beth is all aflutter with chess love but SUCK IT BETH, TOWNES IS GAY!!! I have to say that the only believable part of this show is that the only attractive chess dude would be homosexual. It still does not forgive any of the other plot nonsense.

SO! It’s still the big Vegas chess tournament which is super duper important-chess wise (though this show also makes it seem like every chess game IS THE MOST IMPORTANT so who is to say?) Anyway, Beth and her 50s wave wig (even though it is the 60s?) play Love Actually and....they both win? I didn’t know this was a chess pastability but ok? Beth is pissed that she didn’t beat Love Actually, I hope I never have to see him again (SPOILER HE’S IN MANY MORE EPISODES AND HAD I KNOWN THAT MAYBE I WOULD HAVE STOPPED WATCHING NOW BUT I DIDN’T!) 

Episode 4: Middle Game

We are still stuck with this weird ‘50s bob in this episode. IT STILL LOOKS BAD. New developments are: Beth is taking night classes at the local college (even though she is technically still in high school?) in order to learn Russian to better understand people who are more obsessed with chess than she is: Russians. Anyway, he ends up going to the most wild and stereotypical hippie party with a college dude after class and yep - loses her virginity to him. Ok? At least it wasn’t to a chess weirdo? She also stays behind and parties and drinks alone in the hippie apartment because of all her substance addiction and kleptomania. Also! She graduates from high school despite being 2 years too old for high school (a plot point never explained) and missing all that high school for chess tourneys (another plot point never explained!) OH WELL: CHESS! 

Beth and Marielle go to Mexico City for some chess tournament (AGAIN I COULDN’T TELL YOU WHICH ONE). Marielle is excited because she is pen pals (OMG THE 60s Y’ALL) with some Mexican weirdo who I definitely feared would steal all the chess winnings but then ultimately just sucks in the same way the adoptive dad did. Beth also runs into those chess twin weirdos because the chess community is comprised of only 5 dudes as I said. Their hair looks bad but not as bad as her wig. 

Beth doesn’t see much of Mexico City - nor do we unless you count a truly outrageous sequence in which Beth and Marielle go out on their hotel balcony and look into a green screen rendering of Mexico City that would have felt at home in CGI ghostmare, Bohemian Rhapsody. Anyway, Beth and her olde timey 1950s wig which is spending way too much time in the 60s even though she’s supposed to be stylish now, take a lot of chess baths while Marielle drinks a lot because that Mexican pen pal/boyfriend sucks so bad.

So Beth wins enough chess to play Borgov, who we are led to believe is the Russian white whale/Bond villain of the chess community and LOSES! She is pretty pissed about it but not as pissed as...

....coming back to the hotel room to discover Marielle Heller and her luscious Mamie Eisenhower wig DEAD. TWICE AN ORPHAN, Y’ALL. Mexican coroners tell Beth that her mom died of hepatitis (!!!) and Beth somehow implicates low quality tequila in this hepatitis death. I LEGITIMATELY GOOGLED ‘DOES TEQUILA GIVE YOU HEPATITIS’ IMMEDIATELY. I DON’T THINK IT DOES?!?!?! THIS SHOW IS ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS AND YES I WILL CONTINUE WATCHING IT DESPITE THE TERRIBLE WIGS AND MY HATRED OF CHESS.

Episode 5: Fork

Beth returns to Kentucky IN THE RAIN BECAUSE TV AND MOVIE DEATHS ARE ALWAYS ACCOMPANIED BY RAIN. She is about to be super lonely in the house she know owns (according to a super sketchy international phone call with her adoptive father which will definitely not hold up in court) and then...she gets a call from Harry! WHO THE EFF IS HARRY! Again, luckily, there are only 5 chess guys who need to remember and he is one of them (he is the one she beat for the Kentucky chess whatever in episode 2). She invites him over because she’s lonely!

Harry is definitely the saddest of the weirdo chess dudes because apparently he’s been harboring a secret love of Beth (who at the time of their first meeting was like 13-15 depending on what timeline you’re going on and he was...20? OK GROSS BUT OK). BITCH EVEN GOT HIS WEIRD TEETH FIXED SO HE COULD BE LOVED BY BETH AND HER BENT ASS WIG AND SERIOUSLY NO THANK YOU HARRY. Regardless, Beth lets Harry have sex with her a few times and live rent-free in her house and ultimately Harry gets enough self confidence to leave this effed up living situation since he will never be one of Beth’s obsessions (which are still: chess, pills/alcohol, stealing shit). 

So Beth goes to Ohio for some other chess tournament and reunites with UGH Love Actually. At this point in the show, Beth starts wearing long scarves as headbands and her wig has never looked better because most of it is covered by the scarf. THANK GOD. So Love Actually totally chess hustles Beth for a lot of coin playing speed chess (DEAR GOD WHY HAVE I BEEN FORCED TO LEARN WHAT SPEED CHESS IS) but in the end, she still beats him for the chess title. EFF YOU, Love Actually! May I never see you again! OH SHIT HE JUST INVITED HER TO  NEW YORK TO TRAIN HER FOR THE PARIS CHESS THING DEAR GOD WHY IS THERE SO MUCH LOVE ACTUALLY IN THIS SHOW OK FINE I’LL STILL WATCH IT.

Episode 6 - Adjournment

Ok so Beth and her ok wig that is mainly covered by a scarf go to Love Actually’s apartment in NYC which IS AN UNDERGROUND BUNKER AND SHE HAS TO SLEEP ON A BLOW UP MATTRESS. Again and for the millionth time: Love Actually is the worst! Especially the worst because he introduces her to all these rando bohemians he knows, including some French bitch who will definitely eff everything up when Beth is already teetering on her pill/alcohol obsession and should probably not meet any other enablers. Somehow, he does get her to quit the pills/alcohol long enough to have sex with him (UGH).

And so we are in Paris, 1967. Where we started the show with Beth’s awful 60s flip! AND WE MEET ANOTHER PLOTHOLE. Only a week before this, Beth was in NYC with hair about 3″ shorter and still wearing scarves in her hair. WHAT IN THE VERY HELL, SHOW! I realize that this show has a very vague sense of time or how old Beth is or whatever but truly: NOPE. 

Anyway, it’s the night before the big match against Borgov and Beth is on her very best behavior when who should ring her up but that French bitch Love Actually introduced her to! She is downstairs at the hotel bar and just come down and have one drink and don’t ruin your entire chess career, mmmkay? THIS ENABLING BITCH!!!! NEVER TRUST ANYONE WITH THIS CRYING GAME WIG UNLESS YOU WANT YOUR LIFE TO BE A CRYING GAME. Of course, Beth goes downstairs, drinks every drink in the bar, has sex with some rando French dude and...wakes up in the icebath we see at the beginning of the show and sweatily plays Borgov in her wig that has never looked frizzier, loses, and is shamed from the entire chess community. Also Love Actually wants Beth to come back to NYC but NO THANK YOU TO YOU AND YOUR BUNKER OF ENABLERS.

Back in Kentucky, Beth....is shown learning how to flip her hair. WAIT WHAT SHE ALREADY HAD A FLIP HAIRSTYLE THE ENTIRE TIME IN PARIS WHAT KIND OF WIG GASLIGHTING ARE YOU PLAYING, SHOW?!?!?!??!?!?!!

UGH anyway, with THE EXACT SAME FLIP WIG AS WE’VE SEEN HER IN, Beth tries to be a responsible young person of indeterminate age who owns a house in Kentucky and not drink or take pills or steal shit. EXCEPT remember that time her adoptive dad said she could just have the house if she paid the mortgage? WELL BITCH SHOWS UP AND J’ACCUSES HER OF STEALING THE HOUSE FROM HIM. Which is hilarious because of all the things she stolen in this show, the house wasn’t one of them. In any case, she buys the house! And takes herself out to dinner! And has a drink! AND UH OH.

At this point the show just goes completely off the rails in addictive nonsense. Beth just goes around the house in her terrible flip wig applying makeup and barfing in to chess trophies. It’s every stereotypical drug/alcohol scene from every biopic ever except this chick doesn’t really exist and this show is wearing on my nerves and Beth has to stop making so many terrible live decisions and this wig has BETTER GET BETTER.

And then magically - Jolene shows up in the most fabulous afro wig!! WHAT! OK I WILL WATCH THE BITTER CONCLUSION OF THIS SERIES BECAUSE I LOVE JOLENE.

Episode 7: End Game

Jolene...Jolene....Jolene. Jolene. I love Jolene. I don’t love that this show uses her by making her be the “magical negro” trope who helps Beth get her life back together. Predictable nonsense! So yes, Jolene looks around Beth’s ramshackle drug den and tells her to get her life back together. AND THEN BETH DOES. No AA or rehab required! WHAT! I really appreciate that Jolene also compares her to Susan Hayward (star of Valley of the Dolls!) which is the sick burn/comparison I needed. 

The other reason Jolene showed up was to bring Beth to janitor Bill Camp’s funeral. At the funeral, which is very poorly attended, Beth reveals THAT SHE NEVER PAID BILL CAMP THAT $5 HE LENT HER (AND $10 SHE PROMISED HIM) AT THE BEGINNING OF HER CHESS CAREER. WHAT A PIECE OF SHIT. It is at this point that I fully decided that I wanted Beth to fail at everything because she is a garbage person who never gave propers to Bill Camp for changing her life for the better. THIS BITCH!! She even goes back to the orphanage where she discovers Bill Camp’s CHESS SHRINE DEVOTED TO HER! SHE FEELS LIKE SHIT AS WELL SHE SHOULD! I FULLY HATE HER!!!!

Jolene is much more forgiving of Beth than me and also introduces Beth to a new obsession: squash! Ok? It does allow Beth to wear a headband which is great wig-wise (in that it hides all the seamwork). Beth also turns down these Jesusy people who want to fund her chess trip to Russia and so Jolene GIVES HER $3,000 TO GO TO RUSSIA. IF THERE IS ANYTHING I’VE LEARNED IN THE LAST 5 MINUTES OF THIS SHOW IT IS THAT BETH WILL NOT PAY THAT MONEY BACK AND JOLENE PLEASE DO NOT!!!!

Jolene does. Beth goes to Russia which is straight out of every Bond movie and gets her shit together and wins a lot of damn chess. 

Though her midweight coat game rivals that of Nicole Kidman in The Undoing, her wig game ALSO RIVALS THAT OF NICOLE KIDMAN IN THE UNDOING IN THAT IT IS ALSO A RED NIGHTMARE WIG. This show spent so much goddamned money on clothes, sets, and CGI greenscreens of Mexico City AND YET NO MONEY FOR WIGS. BOO.

I did enjoy this one chess opponent’s walrus hair but otherwise, Beth’s flip wig has absolutely overstayed its welcome and is a compete and utter bent nightmare. Also! Remember that one hot chess dude? He shows up and helps Beth with Chess!! HUH?

Also every single weirdo in the chess community somehow form a chess calming circle in Love Actually’s bunker apartment and call Beth internationally to help her win against Borgov at chess! WHAT IN THE DAMN HELL? It is sweet I guess, but also makes ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING SENSE AS BETH WAS A TOTAL ASSHOLE TO ALL THESE PEOPLE AND DOES NOT DESERVE TO BE A PART OF THEIR WEIRD CHESS GANG.

Ultimately, Beth beats Borgov and wears THIS FUCKING HAT. I think we’re supposed to believe that she is now the white queen chess piece (I HATE THAT I NOW KNOW CHESS PIECES).

She is actually dressed in head to toe white and somehow convinces her American handler that she will just walk...to the airport? And despite being invited to the Johnson White House (girl go there!) would rather just wander the streets of Russia without any purse or luggage or way of getting home. THIS BITCH. She finds a new chess community of old men who play chess outside at folding tables and decides to join them WITHOUT GOING HOME TO PAY JOLENE ALL HER MONEY BACK WHICH IS ABSOLUTELY WHAT SHE SHOULD BE THINKING ABOUT AND ALSO MAYBE SETTING UP A BILL CAMP CHESS FOUNDATION BECAUSE YOU NEVER PAID HIM BACK YOU PIECE OF SHIT. No, she is no longer addicted to pills, alcohol, or stealing but is absolutely addicted to chess on a level that is probably lethal. I spent the last moments of the show demanding that the Russian chess hobos murder her and her immaculate white outfit because BETH IS A SELFISH ASSHOLE AND ALL HER WIGS ARE GARBAGE LIKE HER!!!!

VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ

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Getting To Know The Cast Of Criminal Minds

As Criminal Minds rolls out its 15th and final season, the beloved cast gathers to discuss serial killers (what else?), special guest stars, and their millions of phenomenal fans in this exclusive interview. (x,x)

As Criminal Minds rolls out its 15th and final season, the beloved cast gathers to discuss serial killers (what else?), special guest stars, and their millions of phenomenal fans in this exclusive interview.

By David Hochman

The scene is quintessential Hollywood: a train station at dusk. Steam billowing up from the tracks. Loved ones bracing for their emotional farewells. What could be more fitting for the cast of Criminal Minds?

Chugging into its 15th and final season after more than 300 episodes, the police procedural is among the 10 longest-running dramas of all time, and in the top 20 for longest-running scripted television shows. "This is Gunsmoke and Guinness Book territory," says Matthew Gray Gubler, who has played quirky FBI brainiac Dr. Spencer Reid since episode 1.

To honor the landmark occasion, all eight series regulars are gathered at a railway museum in L.A.'s Griffith Park for photos, poignant reflections, and a few behind-the-scenes confessions (mostly involving a tradition called "hot tub wine machine"—stay tuned).

On TV, the tenacious profilers of the FBI's Behavioral Analysis Unit—or simply "BAU" to fans—are a hard-bitten bunch, tracking down serial killers and other vicious "unsubs." But in person, clearly good friends across the board and decked out today in their spiffiest finery, the cast can scarcely hold back tears as they get candid about their extended journey together and what it means to come to the end—sniff, sniff—of Criminal Minds.

Originally published in Watch! Magazine, July-August 2019.

Judging from the misty eyes and group hugs, it looks like the series wrap-up is generating "all the feels," as they say. Are you able to get through scenes this season without a tissue break?

Joe Mantegna (Senior Supervisory Special Agent David Rossi, Seasons 3-present): This is my 50th year in show business, and next to voicing on The Simpsons, Rossi is my longest-running role. I came in with dark hair and now it's gray. I arrived without much of a game plan, and the show and character are now a deep part of who I am. This cast is a true family for me. So every episode this year has an added bittersweet layer. When the director announces, "This is the last profile scene" or "This is our last scene on the jet," you look around with a real sense of passing. It's monumental.

Kirsten Vangsness (BAU Technical Analyst and Media Liaison Penelope Garcia, Seasons 1-present): The term that keeps coming up is "ambiguous loss"—that feeling of losing something you love, and that everything's about to change. In this case it's not a person, thank goodness. But still, in the middle of a scene, it hits you. But you can't cry; you have all this makeup on. Plus, what are you crying for? It's been such an incredible experience. I will have done every single episode except episode 5, every episode of the first spinoff, and two episodes of the second spinoff. I love these people. No, sir. I'm not crying. You're crying. [Editor's note: She's crying.]

Paget Brewster (Supervisory Special Agent and BAU Unit Chief Emily Prentiss, Seasons 2-7, 9, 11-present): Um, I'm in complete denial, so I'll break down into tears the week after we end, but not before. I'm pretending this show's never, ever going to end.

Without spoiling anything, what can you say about Season 15?

A.J. Cook (Supervisory Special Agent Jennifer "JJ" Jareau, Seasons 1-present): Well, I can tell you that we will find out what happens now that JJ has expressed her true feelings for Dr. Reid.

Matthew Gray Gubler (Supervisory Special Agent Dr. Spencer Reid, Seasons 1-present): Don't you mean "Jeid?" That's what the internet is calling us. Hey, I'm not spoiling anything. I mean, don't rule out, uh, "Jemily" or "Jarcia" this season, either!

Adam Rodriguez (Supervisory Special Agent Luke Alvez, Seasons 12-present): And we do have guest stars. We love guest stars! [Editor's note: Among others, watch for Jane Lynch to return as Reid's schizophrenic mother, and for Rachael Leigh Cook as a potential new love interest for Reid.]

Daniel Henney (Supervisory Special Agent Matt Simmons, Seasons 10, 12-present): Overall, I'd say 15 has more of an arc through the episodes than previous seasons. Our unsub, Chameleon, is played by Michael Mosley, and he's definitely into some gruesome, creepy stuff.

Brewster: Like, we have a scene where a bunch of body parts are hanging from a tree. Our prop guy, who's a professional fisherman in real life, was on top of a 15-foot ladder with a foot and an ear hanging off his fishing pole.

Aisha Tyler (Special Agent Dr. Tara Lewis and forensic psychologist, Seasons 11-present): And people wonder why my house in L.A. is like a fortress and I'm armed! I'd say it's a direct result of Criminal Minds. This show is definitely dark. I'm not going around profiling sociopaths and serial killers, but, yeah, being on Criminal Minds, you become more perceptive about people's bad behavior.

Anybody else find it hard letting go in real life after chasing serial killers at work all day?

Cook: I'm blessed with a good shut-off switch. Once the day's done, I can block everything out. But as soon as I became a mom, something shifted where the naive girl from Canada got the boot and mama bear arrived. We saw that happen with JJ on the show, too. When she became a mom, it was suddenly like, "Whoa, watch out for that guy in the park!"

Henney: I'll tell you a story. About two months ago, I'm at home sleeping and a burglar alarm goes off, and I literally switched into Simmons mode. All the training I'd done with the FBI guys and our tech advisers instantly came into play. I threw on black sweatpants. I was creeping around the perimeter of my house, FBI-style. I clocked all my points of ingress and egress. When you do so many episodes, basic instincts kick in.

Did you identify the unsub?

Henney: Nobody was there! It was a stupid, faulty window sensor.

Brewster: The show definitely sharpens your reactions to your surroundings. When you start the show, you have access to the FBI training manual, which, frankly, no civilian should ever see because the photographs are so grisly. You end up going through a period of hypervigilance where you can't go into a sandwich shop or airport without thinking, Uh-oh! I think that couple's going to end up in a domestic dispute tonight.

Group question: What's your standout memory from these many seasons?

Rodriguez: I jumped onto this flying carpet 12 seasons in, and my first scene was out in the middle of the desert, and we shot all night long. There was an old car that was supposed to be in the scene, but it broke down and they ended up rolling it into the shot, which was funny. But more than that, I remember how welcoming people were. I was the new guy, but I felt immediately at home.

Brewster: We watched your family grow, too, Adam. You had a kid. A.J. had two kids. I met my husband on set. We've been lucky enough to live our lives and develop together as people.

Cook: For me, having both my boys appear in the show was an absolute treasure. Mekhai, who's 10, has been doing it way longer than Phoenix, who's 4, and he loves it, though I can't tell if it's the acting or that everybody's giving him cookies and ice cream all the time.

Henney: I was really proud to play Simmons because, as an Asian American actor, you don't often get the chance to play the quintessential American guy's guy. He's married to a Caucasian woman and has mixed-race children—which is true with me, too [Henney is also of mixed descent]—and I loved representing that on television. To have a kissing scene with Kelly, my wife on the show—you weren't seeing that 10 years ago.

Tyler: Directing a couple episodes was an incredible opportunity. But for me, just the experience of seeing this through to the end is so rewarding. I was only supposed to do six episodes. Everything's been gravy since then.

Mantegna: Hands down, my highlight was being able to work in my passion for law enforcement and the military by making my FBI character a former Marine. That allowed me to bring in Meshach Taylor, one of my dearest, oldest friends, as my commanding officer in Vietnam, and directing two of the three episodes that involved him as a character.

That included the episode where his character died, because Meshach had died. To actually bury him on camera as my dear friend—I'm the godfather of his kids, and he's the godfather of mine—it was everything. If I do nothing else on television, doing that for Meshach to me means the top of the ladder.

TV shows come and go. How do you explain the enduring success of Criminal Minds?

Tyler: Well, I'd say it's not about prurient interest in the macabre. I think the reason people like the show is because we want to know that there's a smart, dedicated team of professionals out there working very hard to make sure that the rest of us stay safe. Even if we don't know who they are and we can't see them, it's comforting that people are sacrificing their personal lives and their relationships so that they can put evil people away.

Rodriguez: I meet young people all the time, teenagers, who love the show and say they love the game of it all—figuring out how these processes work and the skills that go into solving crimes. I think we've probably inspired a generation of people to go into this important work—on the good-guy side, not on the bad.

Cook: So many people have struggled in their lives, and they can relate to what they see on the show. Hardworking moms, people that have been abused, people who've experienced loss.

Vangsness: I think it comes down to a show with some of the greatest characters on television. Garcia is just a bundle of positive energy, and that resonated. Her desk is a living piece of art to how she's connected with the audience. I've got a papier-mâché heart pen a fan from France gave me. There's a little rabbit from a fan in Japan. A German woman knitted a Penelope doll that's sitting there. Oh, and Richard Simmons gave me a necklace one time because he loved the show!

Criminal Minds fans are a devoted bunch.

Henney: I once checked into a ski lodge in Switzerland and my television wasn't working, so I went to the front desk. The two desk guys started staring at me like zombies and pointed to their TV, where Criminal Minds was on, with me on the screen.

Brewster: It takes you by surprise in the weirdest places. You'll be in a bathroom at a movie theater and girls are outside whispering, That's Emily Prentiss, and they wait for you to finish so you can wash your hands and hug them.

What are you going to miss most about the show?

Cook: Um, everything. The scenes in the jet are my favorites because it's such a tight space that we forget we're on a TV show and just enjoy hanging out together. This show, for me, was a coming of age. You can look online and find me in the beginning of season 1 wearing this ridiculous pink pinstriped blazer that will haunt me forever. I look like I'm 12. But I've grown up along with JJ. [Tearing up.] I'll miss it all so much.

Gubler: Likewise, I really look up to Spencer Reid, and I feel so honored to have played him for so long. I will miss his long, you know, three-page monologues of technical jargon about protons or whatever. I'll miss the way he holds his hands like an ostrich foot when he's solving a problem. He's definitely way smarter than I'll ever be, but I like to think that some Dr. Reid qualities have imbued themselves into my own personality a little bit. If nothing else, I've adopted his ever-changing hairstyles.

Tyler: I'll miss being an FBI badass. I'd love to take the FBI jacket, but it's absolutely illegal to walk around wearing it.

Vangsness: I can tell you what I won't miss. Garcia's glasses—because I have them all already. I've bought every pair she's ever worn, so I have a collection of around 65 at home. They remind me to be confident like her, to see life through her eyes. Garcia is my Sasha Fierce.

Brewster: I will miss the hot tub wine machine.

Hot tub wine machine?

Vangsness: You heard that right, mister. It's an epic hot tub party at my house that the women on the show have turned into a standing gig—or more like a floating gig.

Brewster: It's basically a therapy and gossip and splashing-around session fueled by chardonnay and rosé.

Tyler: And it's ladies only because it gets kinda frisky.

Rodriguez: This is a sore subject for me even as a very securely and happily married man.

Mantegna: They do send us pictures on group text, which is thoughtful of them.

Vangsness: I don't think it's too much of a spoiler to tell you that this fine tradition makes it into our last episode. I co-wrote the finale, and we tried to cram in as many little Easter eggs and satisfying plot tie-ups as we could, both for fans and for each other. So within the episode, you'll see the BAU version of hot tub time machine. We worked really hard solving these super-intense crimes over what will be 325 episodes. After all these years, don't you think we deserve a little spa time?

[purplesurveys]

863

Do you have any friends who are on and off with bfs/gfs all the time? Yeah, Jo and Aya don’t make the most stable couple. They had one really problematic stint last year where they would break up and get back together every week. They ironed it out eventually and they’ve been ok for a while, but lately I think it’s a little rocky again because I no longer see them interacting and they’ve been retweeting stuff that gives me a few hints. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’ve broken it off for good. When was the last time you almost cried out of exhaustion? Ohhhh boy. It was some day in Feb I think? and everything had just been going wrong for me. Andrew and I got yelled at by our thesis adviser because she didn’t like what we submitted and she gave us a day to revise three entire chapters. We stayed in the college working away from 3 PM to 10 PM then when I got home, I realized I forgot to bring with me a certain item that my org entrusted me with. Absolutely wasn’t allowed to lose it. Had a panic attack and this was when I started crying because it was so late and I just wanted to go to bed; though Andrew saved my ass by offering to go back to school at like 11:30 just to retrieve the damn thing. Lastly, that was a time when business reporting was still giving me hell and I was struggling to find a business story around campus to turn in for that week, so I was freaking out about that too. All in all a shit day. What`s a TV show you hate missing? Idk man, if I miss a show I don’t think there’d be hate attached to it. I imagine I’d miss a show because it made me happy, so this doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. Do you think it’s funny how people always say their pet is the best ever? It’s adorable haha but not necessarily funny. Whenever someone says it I totally believe them; I think all pets are the best :) When did you last brush your teeth? This morning.

What was the last website (besides this one) that you visited? I checked my Twitter right before this question. Do you have a friend who you think you’ll be best friends with forever? Yes, Angela is for keeps. Does it annoy you when you accidentally delete things? For the most part I can just undo and get the deleted thing back, but when that’s not applicable it can get super distressing. I know I was gloomy for a very long time when I accidentally wiped out my camera roll with photos from 2014-2016. What`s a movie / book / TV show / band / whatever you highly recommend? Movie: Ferris Bueller’s Day Off Book: Got nothing in this department. Show: BoJack Horseman Band: Paramore ha. They got a sound for almost everyone! When did you last use a dictionary / thesaurus? Two questions ago when I was looking for an adjective to best describe what it’s like to lose your entire camera roll and, essentially, good memories that you’ve made. Are you anticipating or dreading anything? I ammmmmm anticipating dinner haha. I can’t think of anything I’m dreading.

If someone could randomly give you something right now what would you like? Baked sushi :( It’s a recent trend locally and it looks so gooddddd, I just don’t wanna spend the last of my savings on it or ask my parents to buy a tray for me. What`s the most annoying thing in the world? At the moment it’s people who refuse to wear masks because they claim that it messes with their oxygen level or because they find it personally uncomfortable. When did you last use one of those water slides you put on hills? I have no clue what you mean. What are you sitting on right now? One of the dining room chairs. What skills would you like to learn / develop? Adobe Indesign and iMovie. I dabbled with these recently – Indesign for a class and iMovie to make a video for Gabie – and though I was always too scared to start using programs like these, I actually found them fun and super useful when I finally had my hands on them. When we saw each other the other day Gab was talking about using this break to take up workshops in different Adobe programs so that she’ll have more stuff to put on her resumé, so I might follow her footsteps too. What is something other people say you’re good at but you think you’re not? Teaching. I always feel like I fumble a lot, but idk I get compliments on it so I guess I’m kinda okay but I just don’t see it. What does your bedside lamp look like? I don’t have one. I used to have a wall light though. It was a just tiny lil bulb that I had to plug in to give my room a light orange hue. What did you last take a photograph of? Myself and Cooper. When was the last time you got really frustrated with technology? Yesterday. My laptop was a bit slow when I wanted my YouTube video to go full-screen, and my impatient ass already got irritated with it. What was the last funny thing someone said to you? She didn’t technically ‘say’ it but my mom was singing a song earlier and had the lyrics wrong, and what came out of her mouth instead was so wrong and so funny.  Who taught you to tie your shoelaces? My grandmother. What was the last thing you bought? I bought snacks from my girlfriend’s dad Korean food business! I got myself odeng (fishcakes) and tteokbokki (spicy rice cake) :) Do you want to move to somewhere else? If so, where? Any country with a capable government at this point. What time is it where you are? 8:04 PM. What’s your favourite picture of yourself as a child? I’m not sharing that on here, but I do have my favorites.

Do you like your neighbours? I suppose they’re okay, in a sense that they haven’t done anything to annoy me. I’ve never talked to them in the last 12 years that I’ve lived here though haha I always felt like my mom could take care of the socializing stuff – and she has been. Does your room need to be cleaned? Nah I’m barely in it these days. It’s mostly spotless and things are stacked up neatly. Do you have a good relationship with your family? I wouldn’t say it’s good, but it’s not bad. Super lacking in the emotional aspect, though, and it’s a big reason why at the end of the day I can’t call it a good relationship. What is something people are surprised to hear about you? That I don’t like fruits. The horrified gasps and expressions never get old. Do you make judgments about people straight after meeting them? Only if they blatantly act like a jerk. Do you hate any particular groups of people? I mean I hate racists, abusers, rapists, Karens... but if you mean to ask if I hate any race or people of a certain sexual/gender orientation then most definitely not. Do you fall up or down stairs usually? Down :( Do you constantly break things? (By mistake or otherwise) HAHA yes. What was the last bug you saw? Kinda looked like a moth but I’m not sure what it was exactly. Are there any smells which make you feel nauseous? Rotten egg, any fruits lol. What is the scariest thing you`ve ever gone through? Random men play-lunging at me when I’m walking outside and then laughing once I jump or whimper. I don’t know if there’s a certain script that those fucking pigs follow, but I’ve had several of the exact same experiences through the years. That’s why my friends can always poke fun at the fact that I drive everywhere no matter how close my destination is – at least I feel safest that way. Do you have anything unusual in your bag? No. I only carried the essentials in the last bag I used when I went out the other day. Are there any people you know in real life that you only talk to online? Yeah, there’s a bunch of people I don’t really get to see irl. Some of them are friends who’ve migrated, some are my friends’ parents, my relatives who’ve always lived in the US, etc. Do you think people who don`t care about education are dumb? In the Philippines they will definitely be considered careless, dumb, and having no ambition. But I know education isn’t as big of a priority in other countries and that college isn’t a necessity in those places, so I guess there’s a cultural difference here. What`s your favourite key on a keyboard? I don’t pick favorite keyboard buttons lol. Do you always finish what you start? Nah I’m a little terrible at that, especially if we’re talking of passion projects. I collected Starbucks planners for like six years and was never able to completely fill up any one of them. Who`s your favourite character from The Simpsons? Or do you hate that show? I’m not a big fan of the show but just because I relate to her a lot and the fact that she’s intelligent and a goody-two-shoes, Lisa. Have you ever had any friends who always tried to steal your things? Nah wtf? I’d so easily stop talking to them if all they did was steal from me lmao What is something you will never understand? People!!! Who!!! Aren’t!!! Nice!!! To!!! Servers/Baristas/Anyone working in a job that has to directly deal with customers!!! When did you last laugh hysterically? Probably earlier this afternoon watching a Good Mythical Morning episode.