#don't talk to me about the difference between never and ever
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Apologies ~ Love That Burns
LOVE THAT BURNS MASTERLIST / EVERYDAY MOMENTS MASTERLIST
Word Count: 1,440ish
Summary: After living alone together for less than a year, you and Logan fight.
Notes: I know that CUDDLES had the most votes for next, but this was ready first. This fic goes with my series, Love That Burns! Please give it a read!
Reminder: I DO NOT do taglists. Please don’t ask. Please follow and interact! I appreciate any reblogs, likes, comments, and asks!
Logan and you had been living at your old house for less than a year. Your relationship was getting better, but the rough patches were still rough. Lately, Logan had been working eighty-hour work weeks. When he came home, he would smoke a cigar and drink before turning in for the night. Logan was moody with you and barely helped around the house. It was frustrating as Logan had promised when you arrived, only to work part-time and that the duties around the house were for both of you to complete. Your frustration caused you to be moody as well, not helping with the situation.
It was late in the evening, and you were putting away a cold dinner that had been waiting for Logan as he arrived home. The tension was thick in the air. Logan’s boots were loud against the wood floor as he came into the kitchen and grabbed one of his cigars from off of the counter.
“I made dinner,” you grumbled as you closed the fridge.
“Not hungry,” Logan huffed, placing the cigar between his lips. “Do you mind?” He motioned to the cigar.
You scoffed. “Actually, I do. Feel free to light the damn cigar yourself and take it outside. I’m going to bed.”
“What’s got you in a mood?”
“Are you serious?”
“I just don't think that I need to be snapped out for asking for a simple favor. I have been working overtime, and I just thought you could do something for me.”
“Do something for you? All I ever do is stuff for you! I make dinner every night, only for you not to come home in time or even eat it. Do you even eat?”
“I do, at the bar.”
“Alcohol isn’t food, Logan.”
“It seems to do the job just fine.”
“Logan… I… I miss you. You’re gone more than you're here. And when you're here, it's like you're still somewhere else.”
“The lumberyard is short-staffed. I have to work.”
“Yes, but you could still come back home to me instead of stopping by the bar. You go to the bar, and I stay up waiting for you with a wasted dinner. When you come back, you're tired and distant. You either go to bed before me or long after me. We barely talk anymore—“
“I’m trying here, sweetheart. This,” he motioned around the room, “is new for me. The not running, the not fighting is hard.”
“So, are you regretting coming here?”
"That's not what I said.”
“But it’s what you're feeling, isn’t it? This is all too much… I’m too much.”
“Now, wait a second; I never mentioned anything about you.”
“That's part of the problem. We came here to work on our communication, but you're shutting me out!”
“You knew that communication wasn't easy for me when we got into this. You can't expect me to change overnight.”
“I know that, but I thought that we were getting better. That we…"
“That we what? That we were going back to the way it was before, the first time we lived in this house? We've changed---I've changed. You can’t compare the two.”
“I'm not!”
“The pressure you are continually putting on me sure feels like you are.”
“I’m not trying to, but any pressure on you, Logan. If that’s how you're feeling, you need to be honest about it.”
Logan scoffed. “It’s not that easy.”
“It can be. If you come home and be home."
“What do you want me to do? Quit?”
“I’m not asking you to quit. You just need to find a balance.”
“I need to find a balance? Maybe what I need is different than you think.”
“Then tell me!” Your hands went up in flames at the frustration of this roundabout conversation. You quickly stepped back and stopped the flames. The tension in the air was thicker than it ever had been. “I... I’m going on a walk.”
“It’s too late for a walk."
“I’ll be fine.”
“Y/N—“
“Logan, let me go before we say something we both regret. I won’t be long. Just need to clear my head.”
Before Logan could argue more, you slipped out the back door and headed towards the trees. Logan remained still in the kitchen, his mind replaying the past few weeks and the argument that had just occurred. You were right, he had been distant and working more hours than he should. He was scared. In all honestly, Logan was enjoying the simplicity of life. But it was something that could be taken away at any moment. He couldn't allow himself to enjoy it more so he buried himself in work and alcohol, not ever considering the effect it would have on you.
~~~
You knew that Logan was scared to open up and enjoy life. You were scared, too. Your lives had continually been changed, ripping away your happiness. But you couldn’t let that stop you from enjoying life. You need to hold on to the good while you can, and not worry about the future.
You were so caught up in your own thoughts, that you lost track of time and where you were. It was still dark outside and even your flames couldn't help guide you in the correct direction. You knew that Logan was probably concerned and would begin searching for you. At least, you hoped. Finding a small clearing, you put together a pile of wood and lit it on fire. You sat against a nearby tree, hoping that Logan would find you.
~~~
Logan had practically paced a large path in the kitchen as he waited for you to return. It was past midnight now, with no word from you. It was growing concerned. What if you got injured? What if someone took you? What if you were dead? All of his worst fears came crushing through his mind, making him grow more concerned and more guilt-ridden.
Logan went out the back, eyes searching through the darkness to see any sign of you. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath through his nose. His heart clenched as the familiar smoke smell struck his senses. Logan’s eyes snapped open and caught sight of the smoke rising above the tree line. Thankfully, his legs moved before his mind could fully comprehend. All he could think about was that there was a possibility of something wrong with you. Well, more wrong than the fight you two had. He wouldn’t forgive himself if something happened to you.
“Y/N!” Logan yelled as he sprinted through the forest. “Y/N!”
When he broke into the clearing where the fire was, Logan stumbled to a stop. His eyes frantically searched for you, finally catching a glimpse of your feet on the other side of the fire. He rushed over and knelt beside your curled-up form. His hands roamed you for injuries.
“Y/N, honey,” he pleaded as he continued to search you for injuries.
“L—Logan?” You said groggily as you began to wake.
He breathed a little sigh of relief as you responded. “Come on, sweetheart. It’s time to come home.” With ease, he picked you up. You killed the fire as your arms wrapped around his neck.
“I knew you would find me,” you mumbled as you let Logan carry you home.
“Always, sweetheart.” Logan carried you all the way to bed and held you close as the two of you settled in.
“Logan? I—“
He quickly shushed you. “We’ll talk in the morning. Let me hold you. Sleep.”
“Okay… love you.”
He kissed your head. “Love you more.”
~~~
You were tucked into Logan's chest when you woke. He was already awake, not wanting to lose you from his grip.
“Morning,” you looked up at him.
“Morning,” he leaned down and kissed your head.
“We need to talk."
“I know… I’m sorry… For everything. I’m not meaning to be distant. I’m still figuring this whole thing out. How to just work and come home and be the man you need me to be… I’m sorry."
“I know. I'm sorry, too. I know that I need to be more patient.”
"I'm going to tell the lumberyard I can only work part-time like originally agreed upon. I’m going to be home for dinners and to help you around the house.”
“Logan, I just need more communication. If you're not going to be home, I need to know.”
“I’ll work on it. I promise.” He pulled you up to have better access to your face. “I love you so much, sweetheart. Thanks for sticking with me.”
“You’re stuck with me, Howlett, no matter what.”
#james logan howlett x reader#logan howlett x reader#logan howlett imagine#logan x reader#logan howlett#james logan howlett#logan howlet x reader#logan howlett x y/n#logan howlett x female!reader#logan howlett x you#logan howlett x mutant reader#logan howlett x f!reader#logan howlett x fem!reader#wolverine fanfiction#the wolverine#wolverine#wolverine x reader#x men x reader#marvel fanfic#marvel fanfiction#marvel x reader
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Daytrip Illumi my beloved... and poor Darling. You capture how unnerving and unsettling he should be so well!
Illumi should be Strange and Uncanny even at his mildest(? not sure if an Illumi in love could be 'mild', but idk if it could be called volatile either. Darling was right, you can't ever tell with him); man was cosplaying Pinhead for a week. He could talk the whole time but just literally rattled at people. And poor Ghost, my stomach just dropped because everything so far was downright too tame and too thoughtful for a Yandere.
Aside from the porn, I was waiting for that drop. Darling really can't have nice things, can't she? Or rather, she can't have anything he's not able to take. Whether a Darling is defiant (Obedience Training, Ingress) or submissive (Daytrip) he's always going to pile on the trauma.
But the moment he started mouthing and groping at her in the car, I knew he was out of patience. Everything else that day was window dressing and foreplay, and the bit where she picks a cute, frilly, puff-sleeved dress really sold the toy and doll comparison later, she was so right at the observation that Illumi took her as a ballerina for his music box. In the end, the daytrip really wasn't for her to enjoy: he ripped up her dream dress, dashed her hope that her cat was doing well without her, and didn't get to eat anything at the picnic aside from the morsel he gave her. Girl couldn't even enjoy the scenery cause he blocked it off with himself. The end was so despondent in comparison to the beginning where she resolves to take any out that presents itself, falling asleep and giving into the dark (Illumi) swallowing her.
And meanwhile, Illumi's just had an epiphany on why his parents kept having kids even after the designated heir Killua. And also patting himself on the back cause he checked off all the boxes on his 'perfect romantic date to-do list', and gotten the *ideal* ending of having finally lost his v-card. 10/10, Great Day. Would do again sometime (but not too soon).
The juxtapostion between her opinion of how the daytrip went and his opinion of how it went must be... something. I almost don't want to know, and I don't know how to properly describe what this made me feel, but it's visceral.
i love it when you people treat my silly little fics like they need to be studied under a microscope,,,, i will be living on this ask for weeks thank you anon <3
illumi just makes me,,, yeah. i feel like there's so little you can do to actually fight against him (running's not an option when he has you under surveillance 24/7, fighting a seasoned hitman won't end well, etc.), but good behavior only makes him more likely to proceed with the awful things he would've done anyway, had you spent every minute from your inevitably kidnapping kicking, screaming, and cursing his name. he's got a running checklist of uncomfortable positions he'd like to see you in, and it's less a question of when you'll be ready for it and more what he'll have to do to make you compliant enough to be, if not a willing participant, than a docile one. i think he does care about your feelings and you loving him back, but your priorities are so drastically different that you two are never actually going to end up on the same page. in his mind, he's done his research (i.e. played roughly a hundred hours of the most popular dating sims he could get his hands on), been a good partner, and taken very good care of his beloved doll/pet/captive. in yours, you've been violated and abused by the man who both kidnapped you and admitted to killing your cat without blinking, and there's very little reconciliation from there.
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La redención de un tonto
javier escuella x reader
summary: the fall of the van der linde gang was the thing that doomed what had been between you and javier. you loved each other, you truly did, but after he chose dutch's side, and you stood by arthur, you knew this is the end. however, a few years later the fate had led you right back to javier.
wc: 2.7k
all pics taken from pinterest
!!!rdr2 spoilers!! rdr1 spoilers too i guess?
♡this was requested!♡
a/n: okay so i have never played rdr1 nor have i watched any gameplays, but i conciously spoiled it to myself after having finished rdr2, so i know what happens in rdr1, but forgive me if i have missed some details from the game
You never had the intention of heading to Mexico. Well, back when you and Javier were a thing, he always talked about how he was someday going to take you there. But due to what happened to the gang, it never happened, so you buried the memories six feet deep.
Long story short, Javier sided with Dutch and his ideas that got crazier each day, one worse than the other. On one hand you understood his loyalty, but you looked at the problem more objectively. Dutch's brilliant ideas were dangerous, leading the gang into a dead end, from where there was no saving.
"Loyalty is the only thing that can save us." Javier would often remind you.
By then, the gang had moved somewhere near Annesburg. The damn cave you had cleared of its previous tenants was making the camp feel cold, unfamiliar, even scary. Or maybe it wasn't the cave's fault. So much had changed the past few months since that failed job in Blackwater.
"Look, I love Dutch like a father, he practically raised me," you had replied, "but right now he's leading us all into a grave!"
"So what, you're going to side with Arthur? With John? Turn your back on everything we've built?"
"I can't be with you if you support ideas of a man who doesn't give a shit about none of us anymore!"
In that moment, you had been ready to leave. If only Javier wanted to, you two would have left the gang, keep your head low for some time, and eventually leave a happy ever after.
But that never happened. Javier had been blinded by his loyalty to Dutch, and you saw it even without Arthur pointing it out. Because Dutch saved Javier's life a few years before, Javier was now willing to give it up for plans that were doomed from the start.
After you had left, you had no idea what happened to any of the others. You've heard a whisper here and there in saloons, talking of the great fall of the Van Der Linde gang, some people that died, but never any details.
"I guess this is where we part ways." You had stated the last time you ever saw Javier. It were as if you needed to say it for yourself, because it still didn't feel real.
Old you never thought a breakup with Javier would ever have to happen. But then, the old Javier wouldn't put Dutch over the love of his life. Maybe it just wasn't what you were to him, after all.
He knew you still loved him, even if you hated you were on separate edges of the war within your gang. "You don't mean that."
Did he say that because he still loved you too? Or was he just so full of himself? In that moment it hit you, the memory of how John had called Javier a cynic that tried so hard to be a romantic. Maybe the fall of the gang caused Javier's true colors to show.
"I do." Tears appeared in your eyes when you thought about how you'd often imagine saying these words to Javier, but in slightly different circumstances.
For a moment, you thought he might argue, that he would try to convince you one last time. But instead, he looked at you with an expression you had never seen on his face before. There was sorrow, and regret. And the sign of an internal struggle within him.
"Then go," his final words pierced your heart, "just don't expect me to save you when everything falls apart."
Like a prophecy, everything did fall apart. The next few years were so difficult for you. You couldn't get a job, you had practically nothing left. You left the gang, but you never left the life of crime. It was the only way of living you knew.
The price on your head grew, at some point you stopped keeping track of how much it was. You had no way to redeem yourself, but there wasn't a thing you'd regret. You did what you had to in the order to survive. Regret wouldn't feed you, and it sure as hell wouldn't protect you from the men who wanted your head.
The next job was supposed to be simple. You were going to deliver a shipment of rifles to a small band of people like yourself near the border. But nothing ever went according to plan and you were ambushed. You ran, and all you knew was that now you were in Mexico, the place you were supposed to someday visit with the man you once had loved.
Coming back to America would be too risky, maybe fate just wanted for you to end up in Mexico, so after weeks of travel you thought you finally found a safer place to rest. The building looked like an abandoned house, falling apart, but it was better than the lack of any roof over your head.
You woke up one night to a group of unfamiliar male voices talking to each other outside. In Spanish, so you didn't even understand a single word. Before you could silently flee, the door opened, and you had been found by a group of Mexican bounty hunters.
Maybe it was the dehydration, the hunger, the lack of good sleep, but you could swear one man looked way too familiar.
"Javier..?" You asked quietly, to shocked to be scared by the three other men pointing their guns at you.
"¿La conoces?" One of the men asked, as Javier's shocked expression didn't go unnoticed.
["Do you know her?"]
Javier quickly recomposed himself, as if slipping into a role. "Es mía." It was a gamble, but Javier had always been good at those.
["She's mine."]
"¿De qué carajos estás hablando, Escuella?"
["What the fuck are you talking about?"]
"Vale más viva. Y no pienso compartir la recompensa. Váyanse ahora o ninguno de ustedes se va a ir caminando."
["She's worth more alive. And I'm not going to share the reward. Leave now, or none of you will walk away walking."]
The other bounty hunters passed knowing looks among each other. "Bien," one of them nudged Javier, you reckoned it was a playful gesture, "es tu problema."
["Fine, she's your problem."]
The other men left, and you were confused. How the hell were you having a reunion with Javier in such circumstances? As if out of habit, your reached for your gun, resting your hand on the holster at your hip.
"What the hell are you doing here?" You asked, standing up.
"I could ask you the same thing, querida." He raised his hands to show you he doesn't mean bad. "I'm not going to hurt you." He's always had an accent when he spoke in English, which you had always adored. Now, the accent was even more prominent.
You pointed the gun at him, unlocking it. "Yeah, just hand me over so I can swing." You snapped. "That's the great Javier Escuella! Bounty hunting, of all things! That's ridiculous!"
"At least it's honest work. Continuing the way you chose... did you think the law will never catch up to you?"
"That's rich coming from you."
Javier's jaw muscles twitched, betraying the calmness was just a mask he put on. He lowered his hands slowly, but didn't reach for his weapon. "You don't know what I've been through. I lost everything."
"Just as I did! I've lost the gang, the life we had... you..." you paused before you seethed at him, "don't you dare act like you're the only one who's suffered. Nothing justifies selling people out for a few... whatever currency you have here."
Javier's gaze softened, you could swear you saw his lips twitch into a smirk momentarily. "I didn't sell you out, did I?"
Suddenly, the words 'then go, just don't expect me to save you when everything falls apart,' rang in your mind again. Truth be told, those words were said in anger, and right now... Javier was far from angry.
He hadn't seen you in years, but he still loved you. Maybe even more than before. After the gang fell appart, he quickly came to the conclusion you were the love of his life. There was no one better before, nor after. Meeting you again was felt like life giving him another chance.
"Why don't you sell me out, then?" You asked, lowering your weapon.
Javier smirked, as if the answer was supposed to be obvious to you. "Because I don't want you to swing, querida." He took a few steps closer, carefully as if approaching a wild animal.
"You don't get to suddenly act as if you care." Your voice was aggressive, but it sounded forced, almost cracking. "Let me go, and tell your... friends that I ran away."
"I couldn't let you go for all these years. You think I haven't thought about you every day since we parted? You think I don't regret the choices I made?"
You knew Javier has always had a way with words. In the charming way, not in the brash way Sean used to. Javier's words were like quiet, seductive whispers whenever he wanted or needed them to be. And maybe right now he just needed to sweet-talk you into giving in.
"Regret doesn't mean shit," you tried to snap at him, "you chose Dutch over me. We could leave the gang, leave a good life—"
Javier interrupted you, "Dutch knew how to get inside our heads."
"Just help me get out of here."
Javier took a deep breath, glancing outside the broken window momentarily. He could see the other bounty hunters leaving, the road's dust raising at their horses' hooves. They were far enough.
"Fine." Javier said finally, his voice disappointed.
The man grabbed your wirst, sternly but without hurting you. Now that he had you again, he was supposed to let you go. That wasn't what he wanted.
After he led you outside, you felt his grip loosen up to eventually let go of your wrist completely. Contrary to what it should make you feel, you were... disappointed? As if at some point you thought he would fight harder to win you back.
Then you realized. Javier didn't want to part ways again, but neither did you. And just when you thought there was no more hope, the man spoke up.
"You don't know this place," he said, "you're hungry, exhausted, don't know the language. Let me help you."
Your stomach had been empty for a long time, your legs ached, and the pounding in your head was getting unbearable. There were more reasons not to trust Javier, than to trust him, but you needed help. Maybe you could just sneak away after he helps you.
"And what do you get out of this?" You asked.
"I get to make up for my mistakes." He replied. "I'll show you I'm not the same man that let you go. Maybe I'll even get to keep you safe this time."
"I don't need saving. I can survive on my own."
"Not here, querida. This isn't the United States. How are you going to survive if you don't know how to even buy a damn apple in Spanish?"
Scoffing, you crossed your arms. "Don't need talking to steal."
"And make your bounty grow?" He sighed. "Admit it, you need help. Let me to that, please."
You replied after a moment of silence, "Fine. But don't think it makes up for what you did."
Javier nodded, smiling faintly. He led you to his horse, offering his hand to help you mount. Hesitantly, you took it. You pride didn't want to, but you were too exhaused.
Before climbing up himself, Javier reached for his sombrero and handed it to you. "Here."
It wasn't much, but it was better than leaving your face fully exposed, so you accepted it. You hoped wearing a man's hat didn't mean the same thing in Mexico as it did in the United States, but you tried to push that thought away regardless.
Then, you pulled the bandana from around your neck up over your face, completing the makeshift disguise. It was better than nothing, but what you really needed, were new clothes. Maybe something that wouldn't scream wanted criminal.
Some time later, a time that felt like enternity to you, Javier's horse came to a stop at a saloon. It looked as if it was about to collapse, but apparently the interior was full of life.
"Don't worry," Javier reassued you, dismounting, "most of them got a bounty on their heads. No one will care."
You reluctantly followed Javier inside. The saloon was dimly lit, and no one even seemed to care when you two walked inside. Despite the location being rather safe, Javier paid for a room, and that was where you ate your meal.
The meal wasn't fancy, but it tasted like heaven after weeks of surviving on whatever you could find. Either the saloon's cook was wasting his talent working in a place like this, or the fact that you hadn't had a proper meal in so long made it seem that way.
Javier leaned against the wall, arms crossed, watching you. "Good?" He asked.
You nodded, swallowing the last bite. "Yeah."
Javier watched you for a moment longer before looking away. For all the tension between you, there was something in his gaze that you recognized well. Inside the man he was now, was still the man you once loved.
He was different. Older, worn by life and everything that had happened the past few years, but so were you. Thinking about what to say next, you moved from the tiny table to the bed.
"Why are you doing this?" You asked, making Javier's eyes shift back to you.
"Because..." he hesitated, "I never stopped thinking about you, about what happened. I didn't even know if you were alive. I was a fool, querida. I thought loyalty was everything, that Dutch had all the answers. Turns out he didn't, and it cost me the only thing that ever really mattered."
You didn't know what to reply. Of course, years of anger wouldn't disappear after a bunch of nice words. But it definitely cracked the surface of your shell. Part of you wanted to push him away, to protect yourself. But another part wanted to believe him, the part that saw in him your former lover.
When you didn't answer, Javier continued talking, making a bold move by sitting down on the bed. Right next to you. What it made you feel was so familiar yet so distant, you had to shift in spot, attempting to make the distance between the two of you a bit bigger. It barely worked.
Javier leaned forward with his elbows on his knees, hands clasped. He wasn't looking at you when he spoke. "I know I don't deserve forgiveness," he couldn't look at you when he said this, "but I need you to know I never stopped loving you."
His words were an arrow that pierced right through your heart. As painful as it was, his feelings for you never faded. Even back when he made that choice to stand by Dutch. Especially then.
You took a breath to reply, but you couldn't come up with any words. So it just sounded as if you let out a sigh. That didn't make Javier feel any better.
He turned to look at you. "I'd take it all back if I could. I'd leave it all behind for you, right here, right now. Just say the word."
It was the way he said it that finally broke your shell completely. The way his voice was vulnerable. It proved to you that he wasn't trying to manipulate you.
Without thinking, you reached for his hand. He didn't know what to do, but he surely didn't want you to let go.
"You're an idiot." You said, but your voice was soft, without malice. "But so am I for what I still feel for you."
Judgning by how he's been acting, you thought he'll catch a hint this is the moment where he kisses you. It seemed as if he was too stunned to react immediately, so you took the matters in your own hands and leaned in.
It started hesitantly. He kissed you back, but the both of you were carefully walking along the thin thread of any trust that there was left. It took Javier a moment, but his hands eventually pulled you closer. He used to think he had lost you forever, so when he finally found you again... he didn't want to let go.
#rdr2 x reader#rdr2#rdr2 community#rdr2 fanfic#red dead redemption 2#red dead redemption 2 x reader#javier escuella#javier escuella x reader#javier escuella fanfiction#rdr1 javier
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don't mind me, below the cut is just me trying to somehow verbalise how much i love mesto duhov on a molecular and also astral levels and also trying my best to not actually cry about it.
i'm going to start with a weird tangent but.
back in the early days of covid i talked with a friend of mine how the panic around us made us, as deeply anxious people, feel more balanced somehow. she was in france, i was in finland, but the experience was the same: the anxiety in the world suddenly matched the anxiety inside us. it was somehow a new exeprience, to feel at balance, even if the reason for it was not so good.
but this, this song, is a good reason to feel at balance, and good god, that's exactly what this song does to me. i don't know how they made a song that matches something in my soul, but they did. and the reason why i started off with a weird covid tangent is because there is incredible pain in this song that matches something in the feeling of being alive to me. and to have it turned into music and played back to me is a moment of balance unlike any other, because suddenly feeling the things you feel don't make you so unbelievably lonely anymore.
there are other songs in the world that sound and feel like they vibrate in the exact same frequency as my soul, but i haven't discovered a new one in years. but mesto duhov is exactly that.
i don't usually go into joker out lyrics because i don't speak slovene or serbian, and so i leave analysing them to those who do. but this time i just want to say, that i looked up translations and not only does the music vibrate on the frequency of my soul, the lyrics are exactly what i've been feeling, what i've been witnessing, and what i've been working with for a while now. i don't want to go too much into my personal life on tumblr dot com, but the disappearance of imagination, of life, of joy, of things worth living for, are something that i've been working with on every level of my life this year, both on a personal and professional level.
this song is just this exact moment in my life right now. this is it. and it feels so oddly calming to me. because it feels like someone else sees it too.
and it's strange because once again, they have written a song that feels like i've heard it before, but i haven't. i'd know if i had ever heard anything like it, but i haven't. of course i hear the influences, but they feel irrelevant to me with this one. it's like there are moments in the song that almost take me back to like idk 2010 or something, but the nostalgia never gets a hold of me, it doesn't stick. it's almost nostalgic but it isn't, because this is now. it just feels like, when the song comes on, it's just....right. yes, that's the one, that's the song, that's the feeling, this is right.
the contrast between the agony of the verses and the resigned serenity of the pa pa pa pa paa... it's balance, it's right, it's real. it's also brilliant composing and songwriting. this song is so interesting, so captivating, so memorable. it goes from one feeling to another in a way that is striking but makes sense.
they introduce the intesity of the verses straight off the bat, and then the quieting down and subsequent sudden stop with "pod nogami se trese / zapihal je veter, da vse nas odnese" is actually something quite familiar from rock music - you know to expect something different for the chorus. but you do not know to expect what actually happens, like it's a different song suddenly. and then they build back up to the intensity of the verses with great skill and attention to details and vibes.
the melody in "mimo mene lebdijo sami žalostni ljudje / nazaj v nostalgijo včerajšnjega dne" has to be one of the most beautiful melodies i've heard. something about it feels very familiar, very home-like, just again, very right. but it also makes me instantly emotional, even before i ever read a translation for the lyrics. just the melody alone. and bojan's vocal performance, which is absolutely top tier through the entire song. his ability to convey emotion really comes through with this one, and i'm in awe of him for it.
the instrumentation in the song is just brilliant. the pa pa pa pa pa section is made up of sounds that bring childrens music into mind, it's full of whimsical and fun sounds, that in this context feel incredibly bittersweet and quite sad. the different guitar sounds and effects in the song, for example the sound that opens the song vs. the solo sound, bring amazing versatility and depth to the straight forward intensity of the verses. the drums portray the frustration and pent-up energy caused by the themes. the bass sound almost cocoons all of it into one and almost makes this song a physical place to exist in.
it's all brilliance from beginning to end. except once again, i wish the song went on much longer, and i miss it as soon as it begins to fade.
and i'm usually not one to loop songs. but this one i'd easliy loop all day, all week, all month, all year, my whole life, because somehow this song makes it easier to be, to breathe, to exist and to make peace with existing.
needless to say it's my favourite track on the album, my song of the year, and quite possibly one of my favourite songs of all time ever.
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Sharing a bit of my own fever symptoms, too, if that's okay!
(Fevers between 100,4°F and 104,9°F)
Usually, my fevers make me feel very, very cold, but I don't let myself get a lot of covers because the cold is a consequence of how hot my body temperature is. So if I use a lot of covers, I will only get my body even warmer, which will worsen the fever. I usually use cold towels on the forehead or neck. (At least, I've been teached those things all my life, don't take my words as professional advice, I'm just sharing my own experience)
I personally never had a boost of energy. Fever always leaves me extremely tired, without appetite, with a headache (especially the temples and behind the eyes), shivering, weak, and usually nauseated. I usually depend on someone else to help me do most daily stuff, even a little.
My emotional state truly goes a bit wild during fevers. I feel the need to cry easily, but I don't think anger is a feeling I usually have during fevers (perhaps because I don't feel it often even when I'm healthy). I get clingy, perhaps because of a natural human instinct to need someone else during a vulnerable state. Besides that, I get very bored (because I don't have the energy or strength to do much) and frustrated with how uncomfortable the symptoms are.
(This is the 104,9°F fever). As far as I can remember, I've only ever had an actual delirious episode once during a fever (if it happened more times, I was too sick or too young to remember them).
- It started at night, when I was asleep. My fever went higher, and my nausea got worse, so I woke up and tried to make myself more comfortable, but my coordination was terrible, the room seemed all wrong (too wide, then too small), the lights seemed dimmer than I remembered, and I couldn't think well.
- I remember that night seemed to last days, because I checked my phone, and everytime, it had absurd numbers that went higher than 24 hours, or that made no sense comparing to the last number I checked (like going back a few hours or show that it was day, when it wasn't).
- I also remember being so out of it that I talked to myself, thinking someone was with me (I didn't see anyone) for some reason, and I didn't even think of calling for someone in the house.
- Other memories were lost on me because of how sick I was, but I remember being so, so distressed and confused that I cried during it, because I knew something was wrong, and the delirium symptoms just kept coming in waves and not letting me sleep. It was one of the most scary feelings I've ever had in my life, because it felt like being trapped in a weird time loop of nausea, weakness, hallucinations and confusion, without being able to even sit on the bed or call for someone.
- (I'm pretty sure I had a lot of fever dreams because I kept waking up and going back to sleep with how sick and tired I was, but the thing is... I couldn't tell when I was awake and when I was asleep. The delirium made it all seem like one thing, so these symptoms I've described could be real life or fever dreams, but it felt like all real to me, and I remember them clearly as a memory. So you can make a feverish whumpee think something happened, and caretaker being like, "ahm, I was here the whole time, whumpee, that didn't happen")
So yeah, those are the things I remembered about my own fevers. I just thought it would be okay to share them, too. Fevers can be a bit different for each person, especially depending on WHY you're having a fever (an injury infection, a virus infection and what type, heat stroke, medications, etc), so the most experiences you read, the better you can write a feverish whumpee :)
Hope this helps someone!
As someone who has had an 104 (40 for my celsuis folks) fever: I just thought it would be fun to document some things I experienced but never see in fever prompts (also this is all personal experience so I assume it's 'medically accurate' because it literally happened to me but idk do what you want)
-My energy levels were like being on a roller coaster; I would be half dead for an hour or two, laying under layers of blankets and would then have five minutes of energy pumping through my veins. I stayed home from school that day and I remember feeling awful in the morning, I took a nap, and then was up and normal for a few hours. I showered, I worked on school, I scrolled on here, I listened to music. And then it plummeted real fast: I remember trying to focus on an assignment and then getting a massive headache and feeling light-headed so I laid down and covered myself in blankets and I was half-dead for basically the rest of the day
And I think that should be used more often in whump. Imagine Caretaker checking in on Whumpee: who was dead asleep, cold yet sweating, and melting into the bed; only to see them up and about 30 minutes later getting food or a glass of water like they didn't just look like a person on their death bed: then Caretaker's like 'dude what the, get back to bed you idiot, you're sick' and Whumpees just like '???? I feel fine?' and then 30 minutes later Whumpee is back where they started, stuck in a vicious cycle
-I know we've all seen the 'such high fever that they're deliriously emotional' but sweetheart I don't even think I was that delirious and that was probably one of my most emotional days of my life; I would get mad, then angry, then I would want to cry, and then I would just go back to neutral: I think I remember being on the verge of tears because of my covers not cooperating
-I WAS SO COLD. I WAS FREEZING MY BUTT OFF. I always see fevers that make Whumpee feel hot but that was NOT me, I remember literally shivering even though I had MULTIPLE layers on and I low-key don't know why because I also assumed that it would feel hot while being on the verge of being baked alive in your own body but that's just me
And that's all pookies
(If anyone is a medical professional or smth and has the science behind any of my symptoms, please reblog/comment/message me privately about it because I am genuinely curious)
#fever#fever dream#whump inspiration#sick whump inspiration#delirium#delirious whumpee#whump tips#fever whump#whump resources#writing resources#writing fever
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am i the only one really pissed off with the episode title "the queen who ever was"???
it started as an insult to rhaenys as she was denied her birthright but she still claimed the name like a boss.
that name is the closest thing she's got to being called queen. there are a lot of names they could have chosen for rhaenyra (what happened to dragon queen??? and don't even get me started when they decided to call aegon ii the realm's delight) and the best they could come up with is reusing rhaenys' and removing just one letter??? how original
oh rhaenys my love the writers keep on desecrating you even in death
#tqwnw should only be used by rhaenys and rhaenys alone!!!#don't talk to me about the difference between never and ever#it's just an episode title and it's all meta i should chill BUT STILL#rhaenys targaryen#house of the dragon#hotd#fireandbloodsource#ONE MORE THING i'm still pissed off with the title change for episode 4#'the dance of dragons' is LEAGUES BETTER than 'the red dragon and the gold'#and they changed it just because GOT already had an episode titled after it??#audiences can separate the two shows ya know???
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boy in silly sitting positions compilation
#cats#I especially like the last one where he just has one single paw poking out of that box for some reason lol#I still have costumes to post and like a billion other things.... grr... constantly failing at staying active on social media aughh#I think because currently my Main Focus is on trying to get my game done and stuff.. which basically just means sitting and writing all day#so there's not much to post about. Though I know the Good At Social Media thing to do would be to post about the#writing and share progress and talk about the game and characters or whatever to try to build interest or something but that is SOOO weird#to me.. I could maybe get it if it was like a tiny tiny discord groupchat of playtesters with like 5 people in#it.. But something about talking openly about things before they happen is weird to me?? Like presumptuous feeling or something#''oooo guess whats gonna happen LATER!!!'' like.. how do you know.. what if it doesnt. what if you dont finish it. what if its not the way#you think it's going to be. what if something changes. etc. Like I literally avoid movie trailers and game trailers for the same reason ghj#Even if it's not ME doing it it just feels... weird.. Maybe it has to do with my OCD and how I just don't like talking about ''future''#things in Certain Terms. Like if I was going to say ''Oh yeah sure. come over to my house in a few months''. I would have to follow it up#with like ''HOPEFULLY you can come over to my house in a few months'' or 'They'll come over in a few months MOST LIKELY''. Because just#stating that something will happen matter of factly takes for granted like.. what if somehting horrible happens and I DONT have a house#in a few months? or what if something bad happens to me. or to the person coming over? I can't ever DEFINITELY say with 100% certainty#that one could ACTUALLY come to my house in a few months. anything could change. So I have to allot for that in my phrasing. hbjjkn#There are a lot of situations where you're expected to just Assume Things but for some reason that bothers me. My brain literally does not#even Assume the most basic things.. like how do *I* know that just because it's someones birthday that they want to be wished a happy#birthday? what if they dont? everyone is different and has different preferences. I should check with them first. or wait until they public#ly announce that theyre accepting birthday wishes. I have to allot for all 5034859069 rare possibilities at any given time and never take#anything for certain. etc. ghjbjhbh.... ANYWAY.. I have been feeling a bit sick lately as usual.. but still slowly making progress on some#things. Moslty I need to edit costume photos. make sculptures. and work on the game. Going back reading some of the old writing from like#2018 and suprisingly I don't have to change that much of it? In fact I like it mostly. so that's good. I would be very interested if I were#playing the game myself. Though that doesnt mean much since my tastes are so niche lol..#Still really want to clear some of my million tumblr drafts as well... alas and aughh and ooughh and so on and so forth. Between all of my#evil appointments other such things...why cant I have one billion dollar to retire into relaxed hermit artist life of no stressors.. bleas
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some men are textbook villains fr
#tw religion?#kinda need to rant.. kinda wanna explain what's going on#some ppl are part of humanity but don't know how to be humane... like the guy i started talking to almost 2 weeks ago#liked him a lot bc he was funny sickeningly sweet mature and understanding.. until he was not#tl dr version is that we somehow drifted to the topic religion and i told him im not too religious and don't believe in superstition much#i was extremely respectful and even when he said that he does believe a lot i was like 'thats cool!! different people believe in different#things!!' and at first it was a normal convo until man went all psycho on me (after one damn week!!!) and started talking about how#id have to be religious in a relationship with him.. my dude i barely know your fav food can we not talk about relationships yet#but he says he doesn't even need a woman who cooks/cleans just someone who believes.. n im like i get it but i can't change myself like that#and then guy moves to marriage and is all 'well my entire family is religious' n my mom and sister (who's 16) would be putting pressure on#you n force you to pray etc.. and I'm like???? who can force anyone to a thing like that are u kidding#things escalate and my absolute STUPID ass tells him about my deepest fkn trauma to explain what made me abandon religion bc#life just never got better and this trauma remained for yrs... and he gets so angry that he says he wants to stop talking to me just to spam#me all day next day.. he'd keep messaging me switching between 'i still want you we shouldn't throw this away i have feelings for you'#AFTER A WEEEEEEKKKK!!! and then goes back to 'i wasted my time with you you were so unnecessary im in a bad mood bc of you'#even said 'you'll never find a guy with a trauma and mindset like this. i will find a religious girl but no one will love you like that'#and the worst thing is that he told his friends and mom about the trauma i had just to spite me.. note that he promised to never tell anyone#(and then still asked for forgiveness and for me to rethink whether we want to end this after telling me 473626x he wanted to end it)#(nothing even ever started you bitchass)#also note that his mom knows my mom n basically most of my relatives.. so i was here trembling for days fearing they'd get to know about it#mom somehow convinced her to not tell anyone bc it's important to me and very very fucking personal..#but he harassed me all day - i wouldn't answer and he'd send 55 messages.. multiple missed calls like dude i got so fkn scared#my heart jumped whenever he texted he was so fkn aggressive and SO MEAN#'you just needed to adjust and we would've been okay' 'tell me are u gonna fkn be religious or not????' 'you ruined everything' kinda mean#i just :') it was the worst time and i don't think i've ever seen someone degrade me so much or make me feel this defective#but.. it's finally over. his mom called my mom and mine was like pls teach him some manners.. n since i couldn't and wouldn't text him back#and literally avoided whatsapp bc of him she ended it all for me and now it's hopefully done forever#anyway i saw jks gcf performance yday n him singing still with you put a genuine smile on my face.. ill stick to THAT boyfriend honestly lol#def gonna delete later#but ty for reading if u did <3
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VAMP ROGER AU QUESTION! how would he and barnabas interact together (if they ever interact)? :3 💜
tagging @tortoisesshells because she's my co-conspirator <3
excellent question! this family and their sharp-toothed men will be the death of ... well, several community members of Collinsport, i suppose.
to start — Barnabas gets out of the box slightly differently than in canon, which colors his relationship to Roger and the rest of the household. Roger kills Willie after his attempted assault on Carolyn and Vicki (who is, by that point, his wife); Willie's mysterious disappearance and Roger's suspected involvement makes Jason that much more panicked, desperate, and correspondingly aggressive. Liz goes searching for the lost family jewels in a last-ditch attempt to buy Jason off, and, inadvertently, lets their ancient family sin out of the tomb.
ergo she's made Barnabas' thrall instead of Willie, but this goes unnoticed for a while — even though her brother would, in theory, recognize the signs, and his suspicions are raised, but she's already acting so much unlike herself with Jason around that he doesn't suspect anyone else of doing her harm. yet.
at the start, he and Barnabas get along very well, even before they discover their shared affliction: they're both relatively sophisticated, well-traveled, intelligent people, and for all that Roger decries Liz's emphasis on the Collins name, he leans towards familial connections instinctively (Roger hasn't got much in the way of friends outside of the house even in canon, and he's even more isolated as a vampire).
after he finds out Barnabas is also a vampire, things get a little more complicated, but overall, they're still friendly. Roger doesn't have much sympathy for Barnabas' relentless self-pity and decrying his doomed fate to live as a monster, because Roger on the whole enjoys his vampirism and has made a decent un-life for himself out of it (thanks in no small part to Vicki). but having someone like him around is a comfort in ways he wouldn't have expected, he's no longer solitary or uniquely monstrous out of the Collins family, he has someone else around through the night, and someone who understands the sufferings of bloodthirst and being shut out of the sun.
furthermore, Roger's very much interested in his family history and stories of the past, the building of Collinwood, Jeremiah's ships – and Barnabas was there. there's potential for some very interesting conversations about the past, and the arc of the Collins family history to the present, not to mention literature, travel, fashion, politics and the rest. Roger's his cousin's mirror in modernity in many ways, and that's something potentially interesting to explore: the world changes around them, but Collinses do not.
as an aside, they both have a funny sort of relationship to Burke. Barnabas hates him for his resemblance to Jeremiah and envies his friendship with Vicki and thinks he's crude, and Roger ... well. it's complicated. it's closer to antagonism than not, and Burke has tried to kill him once in this au, and Roger resents his flirting with Vicki, but then there's everything else with their past. so I don't think Barnabas' treatment of him would sit particularly well with Roger, he'd take the attitude of hey, only I can be a dick to Burke >:(
the definite fracture point is Barnabas imprinting on Vicki. Roger's already jealous and possessive by nature, and it's amplified by the supernatural nature of his relationship to Vicki (being closer, bodily and mentally; being necessary to each other; being, quite literally, sustenance) so he's already a little on edge when Barnabas starts paying attention to her, giving her presents, and appreciating the scenery — Barnabas doesn't, exactly, tend to have much in the way of moral inclination to leaving women alone when they have prior engagements, but it's fair to point out the irony of everything Roger was doing with his bloodbag governess when he was still very much a married man.
anyway: Roger finds foreign bite marks on his wife's neck, and he's understandably immensely upset by this. partially out of territorial sentiment, but he also knows Vicki, and he knows that she wouldn't have invited another vampire willingly — which means that she was forced, or hypnotized, or attacked in secret, and there's only the one potential suspect. this is already enough to lose his good will, but he might have been willing to let Barnabas go with a "hands off," had this discovery not lead to finding out what he'd also been doing to Liz. the combination of the two is unforgivable, and it's Barnabas' error to have made an enemy who is very personally aware of all his vampiric weaknesses, and Burke's already carved a stake.
#THANK YOUUUU for the question :D i love talking about this au kskfgd#devilagent#vamp roger au tbt#➤ answered. ┊ Collinsport 4099.#i do think the barnabas and roger relationship is an interesting one even though there's not much going on there in canon.#(canonically speaking roger is just sort of... there? even during cassandra he doesn't ever pity him for being a victim in the scheme;#it's grrr angelique is here messing with *Me* again. who cares about my oblivious dumb blonde cousin)#but there's a lot of parallels going on there which I never shut up about: the way that roger will drain life from a man#to preserve his own; or manipulate and throw others (vicki) under the bus;#or makes david (not biologically in human reproduction) into a monster just like him — forming him and burke in his image.#roger is Modern in ways that barnabas is not — the sports cars; the en vogue suits and turtlenecks; his flippant relationship with his vows#and his (relatively speaking) more-or-less open queerness.#but he's also a creature out of the past; an antiquated speaking pattern; an embrace of old family stories (particularly tragedies);#not to mention he plays the role of a byronic hero practically straight out of the novel just without any sideburns.#roger simultaneously wishes to be free of that family root system; but falls back on it in desperation because it's only because his#ancestry and family wealth and power exists that *he* exists at all.#and in the same way that joshua cannot shoot barnabas for becoming a monster; neither can liz condemn her brother for his manslaughter#(or david for patricide)#but even though they don't die; they are exiled — to the tomb; to augusta — and return as mere shadowed and monstrous versions#of their former selves.#many of the differences between vamp roger and barnabas I think can be partially explained by: roger did not have the 150 year gap between#being turned and coming back; he returns to essentially the same world he knew just ten years ago#and; two; that roger has his great yearning love *after* he's turned; and not before.#there's nothing about his life with laura and david that he particularly mourns or wishes to recreate.#and; as already noted; roger has vicki — who serves as necromancer;#which... I suppose parallels julia; in an odd way.
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Do you ever read a post where someone is explaining a pokitical thing and from the way they're saying you know with absolute certainty 1) they got their info from a tumblr post and have never actually followed up on how feasible that information actually is to act upon (they may not even have checked if it was CORRECT, but when they do they have clearly not looked into how easy or hard it may be to follow those instructions with a positive outcome), and 2) you know WHICH tumblr post they're quoting because it is basically a copy/paste of it, and 3) it was YOUR goddamn post and the thing they are saying is entirely counter to the point you were making when you said it to the point that you genuinely wonder if they just like. Memory-holed the entire context once they saw that one itty bitty point.
It's like the motherfuckiny dating apps all over again. I do not want people to love my words if they are not actually willing to do the work of understanding them! Didn't your kindergarten ever make you play Telephone to teach you how heresay falls out????
#sometimes i feel like a prized 12 point buck and everyone is desperate to give chase so they can skin me and wear my pelt in memorium#the luxury of being seen is rarely extended to those we perceive as confident/constant in their sense of self#the path of being a child who was constantly told i was making people uncomfortable and alienating my peers#only to immediately become an adult who everyone perceives as so together that they are just Like That With Everyonr#brennan said something like this in the disection of a recent misfits and magic episode about sam (character)#and how he (as evan) realized that the charm and specialness she gifts to everyone around her means that no one ever really gifts it back#and how that fundamentally felt transcendent and revelatory for evan as a turning point idea#he'd spent so long never trusting others feelings of care for him that he couldn't see how he was bulldozing right into and over sam's own#insecurities about whether or not she is worth loving or is special in the same way#and then they had some back and forth about like#sometimes when you develop the skill of relateability and pacification#you disappear so deeply into it that no one notices you're gone - even you yourself - until it's too late#it put to words a lot of the like#gap. that i've always felt between me and others. this insistance on elevating or pathologizing me depending on where they feel the need#to be in relation to me#while having absolutely zero awareness of my actual positioning in relation to them#i have found that they way i interact with others seems to give the impression that because i am being 'genuine' and 'open' about myself#that ALSO means that I am sharing the whole of me.#and when i talk about destigmatization and shame and people work really hard to be like. aware of the edges of me to carch me embarrassed#like if they can prove that i don't 'admit' something it's because i'm ashamed as opposed to considering that maybe they don't have the kind#of relationship with me that would warrant the sharing of it#because i'm willing to talk i am no longer allowed privacy or it's treated as incongruous#but like. i am different people for different people and they are all authentically me but they are also about faciliting the version#of the other person that matters to me to be able to spend time with. i'm not going to bring the parts of me that put you in a bad mood#or aren't comfortable/safe for you. also probably not going to put those things out into the open world as a mixed company conversation#i don't know where I'm going or where I came from here but i think the point is just that I think there's melancholy in seeing when#you also don't know a reliable way to be seen in turn
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I love being the always single person in my family, mad respect to my sister for constantly dating guys for the last 8 years, I would have shot myself
#whenever my mom asks if i have love news of my own while we're talking about my sister's newest catch and i say no#i hope she doesn't feel pity because like. this is the life that i choose. my sister's ex boyfriends were enough for ME even#and i only met a handful of them personally but heard more than enough shit about them#i just always think i'm only flirting with some guys only to never talk to them again or ghost them because it's fun#fat girl who's always been seen as ugly by other people gets to flirt with good looking people is the ultimate ego boost arc#if i ever date anyone seriously again it better be true love and end in kids and marriage until death or i'll live as a hermit#until that happens tho...... life is a party i don't wanna miss a thing break some men's heart get revenge yolo etc etc#also the thought of actively dating freaks me out. if i meet someone and we tolerate each other long term that's good#but dating apps or going on dates with several people and deciding who's the best like on the bachelorette?? death first#plus i lowkey don't like men as a concept. at least the type i've dated. i guess you could say my last ex traumatized me hahaha 👍🏻 (🔨🔨)#i think i'm too young to be in a committed relationship anyway. or even to seek getting into one. there are much more important things rn#i know former classmates my age are having kids or getting married but idgaf the one who got engaged last year has been with him for 7 year#which is a decent time tbh you change quite a bit during that time and if it feels right why not#but i can't wrap my head around searching for a relationship when you don't even have a stable job and know what else you want in life#rambling again sorryyyy but yeah proud single here and i'm not saying this out of spite because i genuinely enjoy it#all relationships i've been in were so draining (tbf they were long distance too) and got me at rock bottom and had me filled with regret#also these men can be so controlling and jealous when you just wanna go out with friends while they do whatever they want too#but when you say you don't want a jealous partner they think that's a free pass for them to cheat like what the actual fuck#do you see the difference between being unnecessarily jealous when you hang out with friends and being rightfully jealous when they cheat??#at this point idk what to say. i'm very entertained by my friends' dating journeys but that couldn't be me#all the gossip i provide for them is which people i flirted with for the ego and who i ghosted and who ghosted me#mel talks
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i wonder if post god's menu stays realise how much of a shift that era was for skz? like obviously you can see retroactively by looking back at their discography irt their sonic signature, but i don't think people who weren't there can seriously grasp how big of a shock it was, they went from stan twitter's favourite punching bag to one of kpop's biggest up and comers practically overnight. they were already relatively popular by virtue of being a big 3 group, and they'd had a bit of success with miroh and less prominently my pace, but the absolute explosion after god's menu and their continued upward trajectory ever since was completely unprecedented for them. and especially given that they had JUST dropped a member. kpop groups do not tend to have massive spikes in popularity after losing members, and when levanter dropped we were all incredibly anxious for skz's future because it looked so bleak. we were crying cheering throwing up over ONE MUSIC SHOW WIN. ONE. they used to be less famous than everglow. do you understand me? are you understanding me.
#everglow's downfall has had kpop twitter's finest scholars scratching their heads for years#mismanagement and massive gaps between releases are probably the biggest culprits#but i think we all need to hold hands and accept that they were never going to be the next blackpink. the timing of it just wasn't right.#skz's timing on the other hand was literally perfect down to the millisecond.#i know we like to talk about how hard they work and all but i don't think we can discount how much sheer luck was involved#because i do not believe that jype or even the kids were paying that much attention to the timing of releases. like be real with me#and also their exponential growth in popularity as bts stopped being so active was not a coincidence at all#bts as a group stopped gaining as many new fans when they started solo activities and the members started military service#both due to a decrease in new music and their new music being so different from what made them appealing to young people in the first place#same with exo to a lesser degree because they never got as famous as bangtan#that left a vacuum at the top which skz stumbled into pretty naturally given their newfound and still growing popularity#all those new gen fans who were looking for the next biggest thing found skz#and with the sheer amount of content they put out they're the natural choice for a middle school kpop fan with too much time on their hands#i know that people still argue that txt is the biggest 4th gen boygroup but i'm not interested in falsifying narratives like moas are#< joke.#i know skz and txt were tussling for most popular for a while especially in 2020 and 2021#but after kingdom it just stopped being a competition. you can probably still argue that txt are more popular in sk#but with skz consistently marketing themselves as a global group theyve never done as well in sk as they have abroad that's just the truth#im not on twitter anymore so i cant obsessively monitor the trends anymore but also i don't need to because skz have come out on top. LOL#5 years and im vindicated at last.#take THAT 2019 kpop twitter.... <- man who hasn't gotten over anything ever in their life
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it's so difficult to articulate the feelings i get when i see my friends engaging in healthy and good behaviors like asking for emotional support and taking the time they need to arrive because i just can't and i know i'm wrong for it but it still feels incredibly isolating
#i ofc never show this externally because i know how to act like a person i know to show empathy etc etc#and when i say i'm wrong i mean that i recognize that it's my problem how i feel and it's caused by my own issues and#it's not something i would ever put on somebody else because as i said it's not their fault i'm too repressed to do anything#but still it feels so strange to see other people having many relationships and doing so many things and still being like :( i'm so lonely#or outwarldy saying they really want to talk and that they need support with something#or always being late#i support all of that!!!! but i also know i can't do that and when we discuss relationships i know i always relate to the bad people#in the story who are not open and who do things wrong and are not considerate enough and so on#there are these common expressions such as loneliness that have vastly different meanings for people and that difference not being expresse#externally really ever makes me feel insane because it makes me feel like other people apply their understandings to my experience#anyway this was inspired by me not having friends to do sports with and also feeling like an ed relapse could be on the way#but it's not like i can do anything to either of those things because first i would never force people to exercise if they don't want to#and my friends don't enjoy the same things as i do or at least not in the ways that i do and it would be difficult for me to ask them#and second it's not like anyone even knows anything and even if they knew what could they do. nothing#the kind of “aww remember to eat” thing just doesn't fuckign work for me i need to stab myself with something#two years of uni left two thesis to do but after that idk what's keeping me here there are things that i like and people i care about#but on the long run i'm just sad and will get more alone and lonely as time passes and people find their places in each others' lives#in between these episodes it's fine i like my space i like to do things alone it's exhausting to be with people all the time but yeah#shit talking
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i think the hardest thing about trauma that comes from the abuse you suffered by the hands of someone close to you is when as an adult you have to reconcile the past and all that hurt with the now...
#bc the now is better. not great but better#but i can't look him in the eyes bc all i see is his rage in the worst moments#when he hurt me with such a cruelty i'm never going to forget#and i was telling this to my therapist. it's hard for me to have a somewhat normal relationship with someone i can't ever look in the eyes#it's like. there's always going to be distance between us emotionally#and i mean - he hasn't changed. i've just put physical distance between us#and it's the best thing i've done even if being alone is hard bc god. the pain would've continued without any break. forever.#he beat me and threatened to violently kill me when i was well into my 20s and no one who said they'd help helped me and?#it was just gonna keep happening. even if years could pass between the moments of physical abuse it WAS gonna keep happening#and all the emotional psychological shit that was constant was never gonna stop either#and i think that also makes it hard to deal with having a different relationship now. that nothing's changed except i'm trying to be as#far away from it - from him as i can. which is not even very far. distance wise but also in terms of how often i go back#i think. i think i need more distance. but my family wouldn't get that. i mean. i can't talk to my mother about this#i love her but she's never actually protected me from it all. i don't resent her for it really it just makes me sad. i was alone#i think i would feel more at ease being around my father if i had to do it less often#sorry for the massive oversharing i needed to write this down#abuse tw#delete later
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#tag talk#when I first met my partner I was warned to not get into politics with him and I was like??? is this a genuine worry I should have.#and it turns out he just actually cares about politics instead of being generally apathetic about it. and that was weird to other people#and then he described himself as right wing and I was like “uh oh champ” but we had a discussion and he's like. middle liberal at worst#his hottest takes are about immigration and even then he's in favor of immigration reform and he's not racist so like. eh#just funny to me that all the signs were worrying and then I dug deeper and he's just like.. a regular fucking dude#also we've been having lots of talks and I'm slowly making him more left. thanks to my tumblr degree. mwah I love you all.#I don't remember what he were talking about exactly but he had a bit of a pause moment when I brought up something I learned on tumblr#and he was like huh. I never thought of that before. and then we just kept talking.#but like. once again my tumblr degree coming in clutch and allowing me to teach new ideas to the people in my life that I care about.#I don't think I'll ever need to worry about his politics because the things that matter we can discuss until we come to an agreement#and the things that are small enough to not matter won't be anything more than mild differences between us as people.#he's taught me some things and I've taught him some things and that's the cool thing about meeting new people.#you learn things from them and they learn things from you.#we live in a society. wow so insightful so brave
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Honestly I think this could have used an extra button for "No; I've helped people cope with suicidal ideation before, but I never felt guilted/coerced into it" based on a lot of responses in the notes. (Obviously the submitter can't think of every possible poll outcome, I'm not trying to say it's bad that the option isn't here— just that it's an interesting conclusion that that's a pretty common thing people are saying)
We ask your questions so you don’t have to! Submit your questions to have them posted anonymously as polls.
#other than that comment though it's an interesting poll. that's a scary amount of yes votes#given the wording of the question anyway.#I've been the suicidal one in this situation but I never expect anyone to talk me out of it. if i want to be talked out of it then it's not#actually the suicide that i want. if my goal is to be convinced to stop then what I really want is to hold my life hostage to force people#to care about me. which is understandable if you think they won't care any other way. but cruel nonetheless.#when i talk about suicidal ideation it's always from a place of wanting to be understood. and empathized with .#though that's coming from someone who's only ever made plans Once ever. most of the time it's just ideation with no intent#anyway. yeah.#people often don't realize that threatening to kill yourself is still a murder threat.#i firmly believe in the human right to die. suicide is a basic human right in my eyes. so if that's what you need to do then you're entitled#to that.#but. if you THREATEN your life then that's not.... the same. that's an act of manipulation and holding someone's life hostage#now that's also VERY DIFFERENT from BEING SUICIDAL and ASKING FOR REASSURANCE. that's not a threat#that's a plea for help. if your goal is to get reassurance and support and you need a shoulder to lean on that is normal shit.#that's like if you get really violently ill and you text your friend like ''hey i am throwing up constantly and i feel like shit... help..''#and i mean they have every right to reply ''oh shit that sucks but i have no advice for you I'm so sorry. i hope you get better though''#in either case.#but the point is that ''hey I'm going through something scary and i want help and reassurance'' is good and normal human stuff#while ''hey you didn't say exactly the way i wanted you to so if you don't rectify your behavior right away I'm going to make it your fault#when i decide to kill myself'' is. i think what the op here was going for. and that is very much not a healthy or ok thing to do to someone#like that's... there's a huge difference between asking for help#versus withholding your own survival from people who care about you unless they do a specific thing for you.#suicide threats are still death threats.#polls#my thoughts#my tags#suicide
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