#don't mind me just venting a little
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Sorry for a small vent, but I'm not doing great at all and it sucks... I think I just experienced heartbreak for the first time in my life and now I finally understand what it means...
Anyways, I'm probably just gonna be using tumblr like always, if not more, just to not think about it all, but yeah... Not doing great 💔
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Was gonna make a vent post talking abt how everything sucks but then something good happened so I'm okay now, I'm cured
#Still gonna vent a lil...#So things kinda sucks as of late for me#I have all these little problems. That on their own aren't that bad. But they just. keep piling up and become one big problem for me#One thing after the other. I am tired. Like emotionally. My mind is exhausted#At this point I keep thinking that something really bad is gonna happen#I try to be positive. I try to make all these problems not get to me#But man. It's kinda hard#Idk. I just don't know.#I just feel unlucky#Whatever. At least I still have my ability to draw. That's one of the most important things for me!#If I feel bad I'll just draw something. Maybe even for someone! I've been having fun drawing other ppls ocs :]#I feel better now btw. Sorry for the vent tho I actually don't like venting like this but also. if I don't talk abt this I'll explode.#So yeah. Hope everyone has a good day!
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.~
#not a vent just a journal entry (feel free to scroll past; there is no snz here and this is also not that interesting)#realizing now that i never thought of myself as#someone whose absence would register to others in any other way than just neutral/detached recognition?#phrasing this really badly and i am truly going to delete this later bc it is embarrassing LOL#i think when i was young and posting all this fic into questionable places (the f*rum) i was like#(@ an unfinished work of mine) no way anyone could be bothered by these cliffhangers 👍 they can just imagine the ending#even though i would frequently be bothered by other people's cliffhangers. that exact same principle just wouldn't apply to me in my head#and when i did not respond to people i was like.. i'm sure i wasn't really an important part of their lives so they won't mind it#if i stepped away?#i never really entertained the concept of people missing me or looking forward to my responses 😭 i never thought of myself as someone worth#missing... so when i disappeared it was always with little to no sense of guilt. i think even now i struggle with#seeing myself as someone that inhabits like a tangible enough space in other people's lives that my absence would be felt#(and i don't mean that in a morbid way. and i do recognize that it's quite hypocritical)#on the flipside of things i frequently miss people and look forward to their responses. and sometimes i wonder like#do they all know? do they all know that i miss them because they somehow understand this aspect of human nature better than i do?#or are they in the dark like i am? are these things assumed or are they only known when they are said... 😭#i am a little bit of a coward so i am not saying anything (also because can you even say this kind of thing to someone??#i would probably die of embarrassment) but#how strange it is to have someone suddenly inhabit a space in your life that is substantial enough that#when they're gone you feel that space open up and you miss them#the few times in my life people have conveyed that sentiment to me i remember feeling puzzled that my presence could have that kind of#weight to them. i think my problem is that i purposefully do not read between the lines if the conclusion is something favorable towards me#because i don't want to bank on something good that might or might not be true 😭 anyways this is way too long already. if you read this#then good morning or goodnight
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He’s my little meow meow, my darling, my bbygirl (Patreon)
#Doodles#Commander Peepers#I'm soooooo normal about him you guys <3 So normal! <3 <3#*Looking back over the other Little Guys I've collected* Hmmmmmmm Evil Xisuma and Spamton and Sableye and Rick Diggins#I think there might be a theme here#Just casually making Venn Diagrams in my head - Evil X has the red/black - Spamton is trans - Sableye has Gremlin energy - Rick is too tired#And those are just the ones I can think of lol - if you look I did the same stretchy pose with EX when I was still drawing him lol#The Stretch Pose is how you can tell if I like a character lol - they stretchin'? I am infatuated <3#I mean I'm normal I'm totally normal lol#Also had to give him a bbygrl pose - I for the life of me cannot find it again but the reference is very strong in my mind's eye!#Not that I couldn't go for another one at some point lol ♪#Ugh the middle one lol - so that Word of God I mentioned in passing about female Watchdogs#I read it in passing as just a basic research of ''Oh here's what The Original Creator has to say alright neat''#Except that it Immediately made me itchy and I was like ''What. What brain this is not that big of a deal what are you doing''#And I was like ''No I'm being silly about this - just because I don't agree doesn't mean it's a big deal lol''#Except then I had stress dreams and woke up Weird the next day and the last time that happened I left a fandom#And the time before that I wrote 4 consecutive pages of 20-something panels in like 18 hours of consciousness - I have normal reactions lol#But I opted instead to vent to smol about it and she agreed with me so basically I'm just saying I'm correct lol /s#Personally Peepers doesn't strike me as misogynistic - he's very much an Equal Opportunity villain in my eyes!#And yeah I considered a lot of different angles around it but like - based on the text of WOY I just don't buy it#If it's not in the show it doesn't count! For all we know there might not even be any female Watchdogs! Lol#Would also lead to the equally-to-Spamton interesting question of How Does Trans Work in that kind of situation#I've definitely not already put a lot of thought into it don't look at me lol#Don't ask me to write an essay about both of those things I'll do it and where will that leave us lol#ANYway lol ♪ He's still the absolute funnest to draw in distress and discomfort <3 And kneeling! He makes me want to practice :D#I always feel like I can try again and do better! >:3c
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Textpost redraw that only works in a modern setting, so. I gave them silly outfits (and a little bit of lore!)
Some zoom ins on the illusts!
And Lore
Moe is like. A SHUT-IN shut-in. So in any modern setting that isn't "Hey wanna visit my hometown for a sec (events so far have followed canon at least loosely)", it would have to meet Alfonse under Extremely Specific Circumstances.
And finally! Textpost under cut!
#fire emblem#feh#I PUT. SO MUCH LOVE INTO THIS ACTUALLY IT'S INSANE. ESP FOR A TEXTPOST REDRAW LMFAOOO#the vision was so clear to me though. the vibe of the post (struggling). a catastrophic fall from grace.#the idea of alfonse venting about almost losing a social interaction. a performance slipping.#a setting where he isn't performing at all now. there is nothing to perform here bc moe. well.#also the visual. i am imagining a very specific nostalgic shitass swingset in my mind.#one that doesn't exist anymore actually bc they rebuilt it (probably for the best.) but that thing#would leave rust on your hands and arms and leave your ass blue. it sucked but it was awesome#the rust marks don't show up as clearly here unfortunately LMFAO so i had to point em out.#ALSO. I AM ACTUALLY SO INSANE ABOUT THEIR OUTFITS ACTUALLY. bc BOTH of them are hiding#alfonse is trying to blend in. pass as normal. moe is trying to distract you. but also desperately trying to communicate Something.#like do you wanna be seen or not little buddy (the answer is Yes.)#back to alfonse like if not 'normal' then at least 'put together'. will suffice. i think he's also beginning to loosen up here too tho#like. so at the beginning of it that he isn't Really LMFAOO but. he painted his nails black. just to try it.#it was also so fun to freehand the patterns... camo and argyle (the socks) (hardly noticeable but that's the intent!)#'beginning to loosen up' actually i think he's just starting to fall apart.#fe alfonse#moe tag#summoner oc#my art#my comics
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AHHH WHY WHY AM I SO DYSPHORIC AND HOMESICK I MISS SISTER LOCATION I MISS MY FRIENDS AND MY AUDITORIUM I WANT TO BE FOXY AGAIN 😭😭 WHY AM I STUCK IN THIS STUPID HUMAN BODY IM AN ANIMATRONIC PINK & WHITE FOX NOT THIS
I JUST WANNA GO HOME AND BE ME AGAIN 😭😭
been scrolling fanart and watching old playthroughs of sister location and instead of making me feel better I just feel more homesick 😭
if anyone finds this plz tips are appreciated i'm so sick of being homesick and dysphoric
#val's little hellhole#I'm just dysphoric and homesick screaming into a void don't mind me#fictionkin vent#funtime foxy kin#fictionkin#heaven doesn't want me and hell fears me#cw caps
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Alright, I don't want to be a dick (and that's half the reason why I'm not answering this ask properly and censoring the user's name; I don't want to throw them to the wolves over poor wording), but I just have to say this: if you're going to send in an art request to me, please at least do me the basic decency of being polite about it. I am doing them for free and out of my own spare time, so I am under no obligation to make them if I don't want to.
The way this particular request is written feels like the equivalent of a 'please update' on a fic or like I'm some sort of AI art generator you're putting a prompt into, and it absolutely turns me off wanting to make art for you, which I won't be doing for this one. I'm sorry to be pedantic over phrasing, but I have to set some boundaries when it comes to requests, and this is one of them.
#ask#art requests#personal#vent post#sorry to be rude but this ask just kinda annoyed me with how it was written and i needed to say something#i have fun making the critters but I'm not just here to churn them out for people either#thank you to everyone else who's sent in a request and been very lovely about them#knowing you enjoy my art and will enjoy what i make for you is why i like doing them at all#so yes to anyone else in future: i am but a humble artist who likes a kind word or two to inspire my creation#even if it's a few hearts or just a quick little thank you. i don't mind. so long as it's not written like this#and to the person who did write this: you're new to tumblr so i can understand not being great at asks yet. but please be kind to artists#simple kindness can go a long way#anyway that's all. :)
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I need a dating app but for queer platonic relationships.
I need an app to find like a platonic soulmate to spend the rest of my life with. No intimacy, no romance, just two special best friends living together and having fun, like a married couple but without marriage and without a couple, but also still being somehow together in a sense?
Honestly I don't even know if I'm making any sense??? 😭
#I was talking to my therapist and now I'm thinking about stuff#also feeling lonely ever since my break up#and also been thinking about myself lately and what I want from life#this is something I've always wanted ever since I was a child#spend my life with a best friend#but life shows me that it's a very naive dream#but oh well#don't know if anything I say make sense lmao#today's rambling#don't mind me just venting a little#kind of a vent post#but not sad vent#i guess
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My favorite part of being alive is that I've never felt welcome in any space except for that one year when I thought I was a non-binary bisexual asexual girl when I was 13 :)
#Before that I was a weird kid whose only source for human communication instructions was the shows on CN Nickelodeon and Disney XD/Channel#And even though I had friends I never felt loved enough#And AFTER that I realized I was more of a trans guy and that I don't trust women enough to know if I could be in love with one but that#maybe I like men but I can't know for sure because I have the bad habit of falling for any guy who pays attention to me for long enough#And I haven't felt included in queer spaces ever since I realized I wasn't any sort of girl because people in here seem to hate men a little#too much for me to feel safe being anything but a gnc emo girl#And not even getting started on being gay cause people on online spaces that I'm around often act like “girls and the gays!!” as if I'm#effeminate and flamboyant just for my sexuality when truly I'm heavily uncomfortable doing anything deemed as girly#vent post#And even the thought that I MIGHT be a straight trans guy makes me feel horrible cause so many queer people seem to hate straight people#Like hi did you forget that this place is supposed to make people feel safe and respected and proud of being themselves#Oooh and don't forget the autism! Cause I get why people complain about the diagnosis being only for cis white boys but like#I've literally never seen that. Ever. I'm not saying it doesn't happen I'm just saying that it's much harder for me to find any sort of#online diagnosis tool for someone who's not an adult or a parent or a cis woman than it is for me to find any for a girl#Like seriously man#And how I feel like I'm a horrible person for not having g empathy. DUDE I HAVE MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES THAT I'VE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO KNOW ABOUT#like chill I'm not automatically a murderer and rapist and toxic and manipulative just cause I can't put myself in someone else's shoes#I'm just a guy who hardly feels alive or human. Of course I'm not going to reel very much about a stranger when i feel like I'm not supposed#to be this person in this place in this body in this mind. I don't feel like I'm here I don't feel like this is me and I don't feel like I#can care about other people and I don't know why but I'd really appreciate it if I could get yk some support instead of feeling like I#deserve death#anyway i'm normal
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#I get tired of people trying to explain what lens I should view the world through; what way I could think that would make everything better#forgive me but I don't care; I do what I do and I do what I can and you don't see the work I do under the hood#I don't want advice on self validation or whatever; I want... I want someone to hold a mirror up so I can actually see myself#by which I mean I want input on how I'm doing; if it's good enough; if it's worth anything; if anything I make is good#everyone things I'm nice; everyone has always thought I'm nice#but given nice leaves me profoundly isolated I don't think I care#not to mention in my opinion what nice in this instance means is that I'm capable of listening#it's mostly that I have manners rather than some quality about me#I'm well behaved and polite and can listen; and that's perceived as nice or even sweet#and it's not like I'm offended by people seeing me that way; but maybe you can get why... I can't do anything with that information#but if I'm doing enough... if I provide any value to the world... I might have heard that less times in my life than years I've lived#that's where I'm totally blind#people don't tend to offer any input; and also people don't tend to let me know what they're thinking#and I in fact am not a mind reader; I can often accurately infer things; but no of that means a thing till it's confirmed#and... well... hopefully no one reads the stupid shit I say and especially not the tags so this is safe and hidden#but truthfully people just like to hear that stuff they're doing is wanted and matters#and I do not#I don't know... gotta go do more cleaning cause I need to#and I have no idea if... I've got a reason for fighting so hard to clean; but I get very little input so... I expect... well...#and thankfully I don't think they read my tags so I can say this#but I really expect they won't take me up on my offer to come out here and get away from their parents; so there will be no pay off#not that I blame them in the slightest... it's just the only possible pay off for this cleaning would be helping someone I like out#and a scrap of company#but then again... in many ways anyone coming out to live with me is the worst thing they could probably do#sorry... I have a rather bleak outlook on many things surrounding myself purely cause of what I infer from the past#there is never pay off; only more shit I need to get done#I will never be loved; I will never be wanted; I will always just kinda be an afterthought that's occasionally worth venting to#no one will ever be particularly interested in anything I'm interested while I'll chase their interests or at least try to#certainly let them talk about them when they want#...though I take that over my normal total isolation... better to at least be permitted to follow in someone's shadow than have nothing
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#tw vent i guess??#came here just to post smth that i'm most probably gonna delete later then leave#but aughhhh last week has been SO bad i really really needed to get it off my chest#had the final boss of a sick victorian child episode for like two weeks AND tons of college stuff to do-#-AND a test on a subject that i'm horrible at (and that i'm gonna fail fs)#AND i was supposed to get a septum which is something that i'd been looking forward to for literal YEARS#but upon telling my parents about it (cause they're kinda strict and ig they would like to know) i changed my mind#cause my mom took it SO personally.... like it was HER face not mine?🤨 but hey!#and although i had the decency to at the very least let her know that i was getting a piercing (which wasn't necessary for me to do but-#-i did it anyway out of consideration for her)#she has the fucking SPINE to tell me how i could do whatever the fuck i wanted if i cared more about getting it than about her opinion-#-but she would always think it was disgusting and that i had no right to get angry at her if she didn't look me in the face or#wanted to walk or be with me cause it'd make her embarrassed to be with me in public if i had that shit on my face.#and it hurts a lot not just bc of the fuckass piercing. but bc my parents (esp my mom) always react like this whenever i make a little-#-change on my appearanceor cut my hair or buy oversized clothes or whateverand like#if she's gonna be soooo hurt when i get a tiny piece of metal on my face. how is she gonna react when i tell her i want to get tattoos.#start taking hormones. change my name. get top and bottom surgery. be completely changed physically.#is she gonna die is the world gonna end. is she just going to stop talking to me forever.#because a piercing is not just a decoration. to me right now it's an extension of the changes i want to undergo on my body.#it's a step forward to looking the way i want too look#so a rejection to any change i do on my body feels like an indirect rejection to be being trans. and the fact that they're unaware of#just how deep their rejection cuts (bc i'm not out) makes me even angrier at them.#and upon the realization that if i ever came out to my mom (and the rest of my family too tbh) she would react *exactly* like this.#well. i did not take that very well.#wasn't very demure of her to say all that. not very mindful not very cutesy :/#also been sh-ing more bc if this and ughhh what a shit week. hope this one's better#also. i decided i'm still gonna get a septum this year. don't know when but fuck all that. it's gonna bother them all the same#no matter what time of the year i get it done. or if i do it in a year or two or five. so who gives a shit.#anyway. gonna delete later probably#📎
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Clash of sensibilities (Patreon)
#Doodles#Just Desserts#Villainsona#More concept art! These are kinda-sorta leftover doodles that've been hanging around that I want Somewhere#The first two are anyway the latter two are actually vent-adjacent lol#First two first!#I always prattle on about how perfect I think Charm's design is but agh her balance of flat and 3D shapes are so fun to me#My notes make sense to me but they are pretty all over the place so let's see if I can clarify lol#The numbers are how many pop-out features she has - anything that doesn't share a plane with her body (her head/torso/arms/legs)#So things like her hair - her glasses - the collar of her shirt but not the shirt itself since that's flush with her torso#Think like constructing a pattern where the clothes are part of the doll itself rather than removable articles#And while her hair is flush with what would be her body it's still an ''extra'' shape! Hopefully that makes sense lol#Anyhow - the dashes are flat features like her collar or the tops of her shoes on her thighs - they pop out but are flat shapes#As opposed to pop-outs like her bon-bons or her wings! Those are very 3D! The bon-bons are spheres and her wings are thin but not flat#I think she has a lovely distribution of flat and 3D pop-outs :D Considering she was designed with 3D in mind! Which I've gotten away from#Probably as evidenced by my difficulty coming up with her TVAU design pfftbl#I do still really like the idea of the dark stripes for her legs and scales for her body - and I canNot let that teardrop jewel design go#Oh and TVAU wings /are/ flat! Since they'd be animated in the same style as Kaiein and he's mostly 2D :)#I dunno hmm - it's hard to think of what features I'd give her that aren't just Her Outfit again#Probably it's the bon-bons that have me especially caught up they're just such a wonderful break between her torso and legs agh#Designed myself into a corner lol how do top or bottom half of design lol#As for the other two pfff |P Kaiein nonsense#Not irl at least lol minor blessings but still frustration! He's such an annoying little voice#She's taking none of it as evidenced lol#Don't let him in he just causes problems
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i <3 feeling like i'm literally always making the wrong choice
#every passing day i dig a little deeper the bottomless debt i owe my parents#monetarily and morally#and god i wish i could kill myself but noooooo i tried again and i can't fucking do it i can't#so i just. i don't know i want to be incapacitated i want to be in the psych ward forever.#i don't want to fail and never make enough money to pay for their retirement home#i don't want to have to visit them every god-knows-how-often#i don't want to be fifty years old and still having to exist in relation to my parents#and god they've done nothing BAD i shouldn't want to cut all contact with them#but it's so. i don't know. i don't know how people even do it.#like you always have to come back home you always have to act right you always have to think abt them and text them and call them#and nothing you do is ever right and you want things that can't coexist with their happiness and peace of mind#and you're an asshole in every way you're an asshole deep down and you're an asshole outwardly too#but you can't stop wanting stupid things and acting weird and demanding#and it's a curse upon them to have you near but it's literally so fucking ungrateful of you to stray away a little#and you still do it because you can't stop wanting to follow things instead of keeping to your resolutions#and trying to do the best for them#and nothing is ever the best for them it's always just bad choices cause you shouldn't even exist you're just wrong you're born wrong#you don't want things that are good for them too and you're not capable of good things#dad wants to go on vacation at his family's like twice a year. mom want to stay home and take care of business and relax this year too#even now that grandma is gone and doesn't require her to be near. cuz emptying the flat & all of that.#and it's just. cool cool i make the wrong choice whichever way.#if i stay with mom i'll make dad's family sad and inconvenience my mom and leave dad alone#if i go with dad i'll leave mom alone (also alone to work on the flat) and i'll be an annoying asshole to dad and his family#because i'm too stupid and egoistical to pretend to be fine with things that mildly inconvenience me for five seconds#and either way i won't do any fucking work because i'm a sad piece of shit and i'm going to fail the fuck out of school next year#broadcasting my misery#vent
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life and all its discontents
desperately applying to jobs bc i need to buy a new laptop so bad so i can write more comfortably and not have to worry about the battery running out too fast on my extremely awkward set-up. also it physically hurts to write like this some days. bleh
but the application process is miserable... made to complete 200 question personality tests AND IQ tests for the most humble positions such as grocery store jobs. the only calls i get are to inform me they moved ahead with another applicant.
the support i've requested bc i'm disabled is dragging their heels something awful as well so it's like. twiddling my thumbs watching timers count down unable to dislodge anything.
just want to catch a break and live, man...
#meadows.txt#just a little venting#don't mind me#one day things will be good again and i can write laying down without giving myself a headache
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ughhh i can't decide if i should change the way i make my bloody dean sets. i feel like the posts would get more notes if i just focused on 2-4 close ups from the scene (also the sets would be way easier for me to make). but from the start i really wanted these sets to give a good overview of what happens in the scene. i can't keep spending so many hours on sets that barely get 100 notes tho 😭 idk maybe i will finish up s3 the way i've been doing it and start doing the easier way when i start on s4 ☹️
#don't mind me just venting a little here#i still love making the gifs i just need to figure out what is the best way to do it#and i know that notes shouldn't matter#but they do at least to a certain extent#like i am doing this because it's fun AND for the notes lol
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I really hate how slow I am when it comes to drawing
It's either I finish the drawing and be so late to the party that nobody even remembers what happened and it's just terrible
Or I don't finish the drawing like ever bc I either totally forgot about its existence or I'm already so fed up with it that its no use in finishing it cause it looks ugly for me
I wish I could just draw like a regular person, life would be so much easier and better for me :((((
#don't mind me just venting a little#but it still takes me forever to draw anything and I hate it#at least it got a little bit better than it was before#art is hard#any tips? or anything?#today's rambling
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