#don't look at me - it's true

[inkskinned]

because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

aren't you happy yet?

[mythicalcoolkid]

You don't wish your disability was worse or more visible, you wish your disability was taken seriously. Please stop confusing the two, I guarantee you would not get the support you need JUST by being more severe or more visible. Please listen to visibly disabled people when we tell you it isn't better on our side

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

going through my old journals as part of therapy homework and i'm reading a section written in the emotional wreckage of a full-on breakdown when i get hit with this line:

There is never a satisfying answer to ‘Why didn’t they love me?’

like wow babe. good fucking point

[vaguely-concerned]

the more I play the more I think lucanis basically knows it's illario who betrayed him right from the beginning (he's had a year in the ossuary to think. not that many people knew where he was going. when you ask him 'did Illario know you'd be on that ship' his only answer is the hardest flattest 'yes' you ever heard). so it's not so much about figuring out who the traitor is (because that's ludicrous. we all know. immediately. they didn't really bother to hide it lmao) as about methodically closing off every single avenue of denial lucanis has clung to that whole time with as much or little gentleness as you might prefer until he has no choice but to admit it. because the moment he has to admit it, he'll have to do something -- feel something -- about it. and that's such a catastrophic event in lucanis' inner landscape (he has had TWO people in this whole entire world up until now and will do anything to hold on to them with a heartbreaking child-like desperation, even at and especially through the detriment of his own self) that he'd rather just. not. what if we quite simply. didn't. what if we just stayed here in the emptiness where we can both pretend you didn't hurt me in a way I should never forgive. I have so much practice in that with caterina already it's always worked out great for everyone so far. (press x to fucking doubt but that's trauma logic for you lol)

after everything illario did, so much of the storm of lucanis' emotions around it is 'what the FUCK did you get yourself tangled up in this time and how do I get you out of this mess safely'. what's worse: the fact that your brother murdered you, or that he put himself in horrible danger doing so and thus exposed you to the risk of losing him forever. lucanis' heart certainly has an opinion here and it's fucking unhinged (affectionate)

the themes of dissociation in lucanis' character in general makes me feel nuts. allllll these contradictory messy things he needs to cut off from each other because they can't coexist or be easily reconciled inside him. but all remain stubbornly true separately anyway and will have their due one day. love and resentment. tenderness and fear and rage. terror and longing. love and freedom don't coexist. the burned out golden child anthem is playing in the background. he was always caterina's favourite and he has to keep striving to deserve that dubious honour with every breath he takes and then, presumably, mercifully, some day he will die and be excused and can rest. and until now he's suppressed all the -- natural, healthy, protective! -- negative feelings that threaten the few attachment relationships he actually has, at the cost of ever actually having his needs for connection and safety met and leaving his core self imprisoned and compromised. and spite goes 'what. no. that's dumb fuck that' (*spite voice* I do not understand that and even if I did I would not respect it) and does not allow him to fall back into that, which I think is what saves his life, ultimately. it took being possessed by a demon for lucanis to even contemplate telling anyone he loves 'no' in any way, but hey. whatever gets you there right lol

lucanis is dealing with the freeze response allll the way down baby. and he was even before the ossuary, that just turbo powered it and brought it to a breaking point way before it could happen naturally. but something was going to break eventually no matter what, and I'm just glad that in the end, through the power of friendship and also pure spite, it doesn't have to be him

[demaparbat-hp]

Little Zuzu for an incoming project 🔥

[canisalbus]

Real fan art is coming one day, but for now I really wanted to see if it was feasible to simplify their gradients into something that would fit a simple style like Bluey’s 😅

.

[vexedtonightmares]

they don't want you to know this but having a bed full of stuffed animals in your twenties actually increases your overall quality of life

[miss-conner3]

En Español: Aquí

This was going to reference a sibling dynamic meme, but I got too excited XD

Brief context: Height difference in a future where Ando becomes a wandering traveler and the lamb digivolves until it reaches its maximum potential.

Or something similar to that, hehe (ouo)

I hope you like it!

Extra: A little idea regarding my two sheep!

"Forever is a long time, little lamb..."

This is the moment where I comment that I like light angst, but it's rare that I prioritize it, so don't worry (?)

[blossoms-phan]

i've loved you three fourteen summers now honey, but i want 'em all

dan and phil through the years ☀️🪞🕰️💌

[yesokayiknow]

do you ever think about how one of doctor who's most famous time loop episodes (heaven sent) isn't a time loop. like the fact that time is passing normally is a huge plot point

[ohbeffinitely]

🗣 HAPPY DIABLO DOG DAY OR SOMETHING

[dollypopup]

listen, I'll speak my truth

all the 'colin is meant to give you the ick in the first episode' and 'he's not supposed to be likeable' crowd and I genuinely think the 'ick' came from people only wanting Colin to be flirty with Pen and so the fact that he entertained anyone else was what made people unhappy about it. but I cannot relate. yes, he's not being fully himself, yes he's putting on a persona, but you know what? that persona was still attractive! *I* liked him!!! *I* was that debutante taking her glove off with her teeth giggling and twirling my hair. I do not careeeeee. I was salivating over the first brothel scene. Shit was hot. You can all fight me.

[cementcornfield]

Usually when I'm asking for the ball I'm in a Mood.

He said sometimes it's a glance even, is that something you've given him?

...yeah, damn, yeah.

Can you show us?

Nah, I can't do that. That's not a good glance to give him though, that's why...damn that's a good one right there. I didn't... only he knows that though, you know?

[mannatea]

this is how the love letter scene went, right

[rosie-tyler]

Moulin Rouge AU

The story follows Moulin Rouge star performer, Daniel LaRusso, and an American writer, Johnny Lawrence, as they navigate through a tumultuous love affair. Little do they know about John Kreese's plan: set LaRusso up with a wealthy man, Terry Silver, to take revenge on Mr. Miyagi, Daniel's father.