#don't know who needs to hear this but don't go after this person?

[paintedhyenadogs]

People wouldn't be talking about this if this wasn't an issue within the queer community, like by all means you can get tired of seeing this, sometimes I am too but you should just block the tags and words related to the topic.

Plus, blocking can easily be dealt with because of how tumblr works, assholes will evade blocking if they want to.

Anyways, people should keep talking about it so that we can achieve unity within the community and not be swayed by TERF and Radfem rhetoric in our own home. That's all.

If a trans man interacts with other trans men he's in an echo chamber.

If a trans man interacts with cis women he's falling for TERF ideolgy by bonding with them over assigned sex.

If a trans man interacts with cis men he's falling for patriarchal oppressive roles

If a trans man interacts with trans women he's love bombing and manipulating her.

If a trans man interacts with a non-binary person then just pick whichever of the other four people think fit them the closest.

These are all things that I've heard said about me for having friends and acquaintances of any gender and it's like the only right way for a trans man to exist in some people's eyes is alone. Or, you know. Not that either because then trans men are just mass shooters waiting to happen.

Don't let anyone tell you who you can be friends with. Falling for the constant demand to self flagellate will put you in a loop of never being good enough.

[burdenandacrop]

Hiii! Can I just say that I genuinely love your writing, I’ve read so many Schlatt writers (and no shade to them,I love them and their work too) but yours just always gets me, also you just seem like a really cool person in general too😭

Anyways I have a submission where reader and schlatt are having a baby and their in the labor room after she has just given birth and reader is just admiring their baby with schlatt, or the opposite where he’s admiring her and their baby, like just a really ‘sun and moon’ by mage tears inspired writing, really calm and sweet and precious moments between the two. Anyways I love you and you’re hope you doing well pretty!!😋😋

all i need.

♡ navigating new life is confusing but beautiful, but it's not a challenge when such sweetness is granted in the human form of him. now you have the fruition of your love, all bundled in cotton.

♡ established relationship, tooth rotting fluff, trying out a new writing style so bear with me, fem reader.

isn't it sweet?

the words fluttered your mind, an amalgamation of poetic words to try and perfectly detail this new found feeling. if you could only piece any string of letters to describe this light souring in your chest. only a heartbeat could be appropriate for this.

her heartbeat. your fingers brushing against the knitted blanket wrapped around her tiny body, attempting to count how many beats her little heart paced a minute. her sweet eyes closed as you gazed at her even tinier face, how could something so small arrange such a huge feeling within you?

the rustling of the near plastic sheet arose as schlatt nudged himself closer to you, you could hear how deep his breaths were. knowing the both of you couldn't have imagined it would feel this way, sure the two of you haven't spoken. it doesn't take words sometimes though, rather a moment. even a moment of silence.

silence can fill so much, especially when it's something like this. you ripped your eyes off of her and turned to him, letting out a huff of air that was a bit too loud for comfort. every sound felt like a ear piercing alarm, the only sound that was tolerable was her little sleeping babbles. you just wanted to drink in the peaceful silence, fearing it would slip right out of your fingers if you blinked.

can i cry right now?

the sentence kept beckoning in the back of his head, it was the only words that felt necessary. how could he be looking at something like this and not feel the need to just, cry. obviously not out of sadness, rather of the reality that he wasn't just a simple title anymore. he brought in life. actual life, with you.

his mind kept wandering on the possibilities, would she get his smile? would she get your cleverness? could she be everything he needed to complete the sore spot in his chest that left aching? he could only pray that he would hand the same gentle love that was left tattooed on his heart from her. even if she'd only been in this world for a few hours, this was the rest of anything ever.

his eyes wandered to the warm morning sunlight beaming onto the edge of the bed, trying not to crack to himself as he realized his daughter was going to be an early bird by popular theory. much different to himself, he looked back to her sleeping state. how the blanket over her cradled body heaved up and down, almost matching the beeps from the hospital's machinery. what a beautiful way to put it, she matched everything now.

he wasn't ever the type to be outwardly sensitive, but it was awfully hard to not be in this moment. he curled his bottom lip in his teeth, the gentle sting as he desperately tried to control his emotions. he wasn't the one who just gave birth, you were. yet somehow, in life's funniest ways, he was the one who had to keep reminding himself that this was real. it was just hard to take in, something that he helped create, could be this wonderful.

don't want to blink.

you couldn't, rather you simply fought not to. the small details of her skin were too remarkable to not gaze at for hours, a small grin creeping on your lips as you realized she had the tiniest birthmark shining on her cheek. it almost matched the little patch of red schlatt would get when he blushed on the side of his temples.

that was the beauty of detail, but it showed how much you loved him. how much you love and were going to grow love for her, as well. you pondered to yourself, the gentle white noise cutting through your ears from the quiet fan. if you could bottle this, you absolutely would. though the thought that this would disappear before you knew it, absolutely ached you.

she was going to grow, learn to smile, or worse ; gain schlatt's attitude. of course, only a playful joke. you could only dream she'd look up to him, look up to you. see you two as the pair you desperately longed for, be the reality that you made your fantasy. that, you could. which made it even all more worth it, your mind reeling at all the things you were able to provide for this sweet girl.

the thought alone was enough to bring your eyes to gentle tears, hoping a whimper from the emotion wouldn't sneak out of your lips. you could've blamed it on the pain medication that was slowly making it's way into your system, but you didn't want that. it would only conclude with you sleeping, you couldn't. you had this, her, him. her and him. all you would need, forever.

i'm not so afraid of it anymore.

he thought to himself, all the talks from his own father. every man he looked up to, all of their words hitting him at once. though, it didn't seem to matter in the moment. the look alone of her was enough to convince his rather bitter mind that he could in fact be something more. he was something more. right now.

he looked back to you, watching as the tears bubbled on your waterline. what a sight to see. he knew he called you beautiful, gorgeous, or whatever compliment he fished out of his brain; but right now he really couldn't come up with a word to best describe how genuinely unreal he found you. the puffiness in your skin from all the physical pressure of childbirth, or how your hair stuck up from all the static around you.

he knew you'd practically bark at him for daring to call you attractive or any synonym of that term right now, but he definitely had the words bubbling up in his chest. just aching to be spilled from his lips that were desperate to cut through the silence, just so you knew how precious he found this moment. even if it meant tearing into the white noise around and looking you into the eyes to just say 'you did a great thing.'

instead, his lips fumbled on his own words. he leaned into your shoulder with the lightest pressure he could give to you, still fearful that you would break like literal porcelain after preforming such a physical work out. "sweet." he whispered, unsure on why he only said the one word. why he whispered it, even. his own soft tone surprised him, he was capable of being so nurturing?

it is nothing short of sweet.

his sudden words caught you off guard, steering your eyes back to him. only being met with the same look you had on your face, perfectly printed all over his. you let the tear trickle down your cheek as you smile fondly at him, unable to even get your words together to reply, but his eyes just screamed, 'i know, i know.'

he sighed out, leaning his forehead to rest gently on the top of your head. being sure to flourish his lips against your head, only way he could properly communicate it. fluttering his eyes shut, knowing the waterworks were going to make their way if he didn't. "i don't think i've loved you more." his words lingered in the air, kissing your head once more, becoming more feverish by the next peck. "than in this moment." his words choked out more.

his eyes squeezed shut as he felt the warmth rush up to his head, they were definitely coming. you tenderly smiled and looked back down to her, seeing her eyes slowly open. her curious eyes looking right up at him, her little forehead crinkling as she desperately tried to figure out, what was that voice i just heard?

"baby, look." you softly cooed, making him lift his head off of you to eye down, being met with her eyes open and darting right at him. that was the final touch for him, seeing how beautiful her eyes looked as they curiously searched his face. his grin growing by the second as he bathed in the silence between the two of them. this was love, right here. this is how love was supposed to be.

eyes like mine, heart like yours.

it was almost like she had a ray of yellow around her face, a perfect ring of promise. her eyes being living proof that life goes on, time is worth waiting, but now time, was well, time. the second her brown eyes met with his own, he realized there wouldn't ever be enough time to bask in her presence. almost a cruel joke, not being able to nurture the moments long enough, cause when you find them ; you wouldn't ever be able to bottle them.

but he had it right now, right in front of his eyes. "hi sweetheart." he cooed out, reaching out a hand to the fold of her blanket. roaming his thumb along the soft knitted fabric, how warm she must've been under all the yarn. her eyes seemed to follow his every moment as he spoke, "i think she recognizes your voice." you whispered out, but her eyes remained fixed on him.

he softly nodded and swallowed the lump in his throat, shakily smiling as he gently patted the wrapped blanket before pulling his hand away slowly. "yeah." he choked out, wiping the tear from his cheek, and attempting to fix his breath. he couldn't be such a mess, especially with you. nor her. "i don't think i can ever thank you enough." he muttered out with a stifled sigh, resting his heavy head onto you. feeling the anchor being lifted off of him.

he didn't have to be strong, this statuette of agility. he was allowed to be clay, soft and warm moldable clay for this new life to form him into this new edge. maybe make his words softer, his eyes seek out kindness more, his fingertips only fix. this was all he could've hoped for, he just didn't know that all along this was he was hoping for ; not until it popped right in front of him.

tired but happy.

you watched the moment occur between the two of them, knowing this was the start of something you wouldn't have been able to even fathom in the past. this wasn't your past though, it was something to prove it has washed away. a silent omen that you did it, you overcame. now rewarded with something so gentle.

her eyes moved to yours, almost startling you. did she feel it? could she even feel what you were? that was the ethereal part of it all, somewhere deep in the atmosphere ; everything in this room knew. even the resting wood in the walls, how the sun shine began to dance on your shoulders, seeing the branches move with the wind. the shadows casting along her dear face.

everything had it's purpose, the doors were open. it was just up to you and him to keep them open, and that answer was quite clear. the simplest yes you could ever say, this was destiny. for once in your life, you thought it ; and genuinely believed it. just by the look in her eyes, you knew. life wasn't a boulder, it wasn't something to waste away focusing on the bitter side. you had these landscapes painted in front of your eyes this whole time, it just took the look in her eyes to help you color them in.

no more grey, no more blandness. your pallet of life was now only going to be consistent of yellow, pink, shades of orange. she was your sunset, he was your cushioned bay window to watch it grow on. maybe some days it'd be purple, or dark. maybe some days you'd even miss the colors change, but you knew you'd be there to watch it none the less, like clock work. how could you imagine something much more meaningful than what was bestowed right in the crook of your arm. real meaning, and it could only age well. the only sting was how long the colors would last, but the hourglass could wait. all you had was now, and that's all the two of you would ever want or need.

author's note : i throughly appreciate your patience with me, i hope you know i lauve you. also . . . how do we feel about the writing style for this ? i hope you love it, even if it's a month late. never forgot about it !! tee-freaking-hee-hee.

[vonlycaonwife]

Can I request headcanons for Wise, Billy, Ben, Anton, and Lycaon reacting to his gn crush accidentally confessing to him please?

Omg this would be so me, so I gave some personal flair to these for how I would react to my own flub up (aka running the fuck away fhskdjfk)

Warnings: none

With Wise I can imagine you have a small chance of pretending it didn't happen. Though that's only if you did it while watching a documentary with him.

But afterwards I can imagine Fairy ratting you out to him as a way to tease him.

And while I feel like he would want to confront you the next time you see each other, I don't think he would. Mainly because he wouldn't know how to go about it without it being awkward.

But if he did hear you, then in that instance he would definitely be asking you to repeat it. He would be blushing up a storm as he did, let me tell you!!

If you ran away after that I can imagine he's a bit upset by it, mainly because he didn't get a chance to reciprocate the confession. 

Though don't think for a moment he won't corner you at some point to get it all out of you again. This time with his own in return.

I'm like 50/50 on whether you can brush it off with him.

In one instance he may not even be aware you said anything if you were watching Starlight Knight with him.

But on the other hand, I feel like his hearing could pick up on it even if you were muttering. Which would leave him to become extremely silent while his processors are well…processing what he heard.

Honestly, him just standing there still is the perfect opportunity for you to run away, which is exactly what you did. He wouldn't chase you because by the time he's finished processing you're already gone.

After that he most definitely would run to the other Hares to scream about what happened, and maybe also get some advice and help on how to proceed.

Good luck trying to avoid him to be honest, because as soon as any of the Hares see you they're already texting him your location. And then you got a six foot two android running after you.

But don't worry! That's mainly just him being excited to return your confession!

Oh boy, lord help everyone in this situation.

Since Ben is a thiren, who I'm certain have better hearing than humans (yes, even the ones without animal ears like Ellen), I'm like 100% certain he fully heard you and comprehended what you said.

Though you do have the grace of Ben being able to read you better then you can yourself. So he will know it was on accident.

The problem lies now, if you start avoiding him after that incident. He won't fight you on it. Yes he'll definitely be obviously upset, but he wants to give you the space you need.

Honestly I'm certain Koleda is gonna step in if it goes on for too long, and she will not mince her words. Ben is basically her second father and she'll be damned if she let's him continue to be passive over this!

So yes, Koleda will not hesitate to tell you that Ben reciprocates your feelings and essentially pushes you into talking to him again.

And once you do you'll be greeted with a nervous wreck of a man as he tries to confess (without knowing Koleda spilled the beans) and blushing so red under his fur you could almost see it.

Oh boy, lord help everyone in this situation. 

Look, I'm just gonna give it to you straight. He's not gonna realize, like at all.

Actually you have a high chance of him not even hearing it over his bro (the fucking jackhammer). But even if he did hear it, it'll fly over his head.

You could even say the most blatant “I love you” accidentally and he'll take it as a sign of friendship instead, giving a “Same here bro!” in return.

Though luckily by some miracle, when he's by himself at home it's like a light bulb lit up and he's a wreck over how he potentially screwed up your confession. He probably won't even realize it was an accidental one and just beat himself over it.

Which is why you even have a chance to run (thinking you're in the clear) because he's gonna casually call you over to a private area and then profusely apologize for unintentionally brushing over your confession.

And before you can even try to lie and say it wasn't that he's already giving the most heartfelt speech over how he feels the same way actually and explains how most of his gestures were actually romantic in nature. Said gestures being normal behaviors he shows to almost everyone (there's a subtle difference but only Anton knows and no one can guess).

So at least you can say you're with a total dumbass now.

Honestly with him there is no way you could take it back, because you can't try to lie about him mishearing you. With his ears there's no way he did. And your body language after the flub up would only confirm it.

Though I'm sure he would lie about hearing your accidental confession even if it was obvious. Just don't pay attention to the wagging tail behind him.

Actually, pay very much attention to it cause that's your sign about him returning your feelings. But if you missed it and ran away instead I don't blame you, I would do that too.

And like Ben, Lycaon would give you the space you need. Though it's not as obvious how sad he is at the avoidance compared to the bear.

Luckily for him though, he would take matters into his own hands. Though he will apologize later, he definitely will use some “underhanded” tactics to get you in the same room as him. Like having one of the girls invite you.

When you arrive, on guard but still hoping it wasn't a trick, you're gonna be greeted with a table set up like those super expensive fancy restaurants.

This man is wining and dining you and being very upfront about his mutual affection for you and asking you with the most lovestruck look on his face. Honestly if you started crying from how overwhelmingly sweet he's being I don't blame you!

[thetadispatcher]

Vincent still didn't like the fact there was a person in the room he didn't know, but knowing Dan was watching her helped ease his anxiety. He glanced at Bishop before he shifted to nestle against him, resting his head against him. Peter's desire for physical contact had caused the AP700 realize he felt safer when he could feel the person next to him, he didn't understand why, but he didn't care as he liked the feeling.

Always being stressed and on high alert was wearing down his systems, so he welcomed any relief from the constant error messages and garbage data overwhelming him. He knew he had no reason to be afraid at home, but he couldn't stop himself from overreacting to every noise or person who visited.

He shifted his eyes to look up at the other android, feeling he better explain himself as he knew the other didn't like being touched very much. "Sorry, I should've asked... But the contact helps me feel safe, and you help as well, so I thought... You know... That combining the two would be nice, and it is..." Vincent decided he'd explain himself using a mental link, as he felt Dan and the other human didn't need to know. "I just need a break from my anxiety, and everything it's doing to my systems... But if-if you don't like it, I-I understand! I don't want to make you un-uncomfortable for my sake, that-that would be horrible of m-me!" He panicked a bit as he realized Bishop might let him do as he wanted just for his sake, something he definitely didn't want him to feel obligated to do.

Dan felt the other android's eyes on him, he glanced at Bishop for a moment and noted that Vincent was likely talking to him as his LED was flashing yellow. He didn't understand how Vincent could trust the other android as much as he did, but he knew questioning them wouldn't provide any answers. So he turned away, deciding he'd ignore them as they weren't doing anything that he needed to supervise.

Nines nodded to him before he started to deal out the cards to everyone.

The Strohmeier android turned to look at Bishop as Nines handed the cards out, feeling he should provide the man with the names he didn't know. "I'm John, by the way, and that's Hugh." He motioned to the large android as he said his name.

Hugh looked at them from where he was seated on the floor with a nod, his large size meant if he was seated at a chair he'd be able to see most of the other players cards. So he had sat on the floor to correct the issue, as it made him a better height to play.

Nines motioned for them to grab their cards as he glanced at the police androids, who gave him the face card to match for the round. "We'll do kings this round." He relayed the information to the rest, knowing the human would be the only one who didn't hear the mental link they had. "The human can go first." He motioned to Bishop with his hand and smiled at him.

Strasky watched as Sixty bumped into a few shelves, nothing he would call alarming given how the android was acting. And the RK800 didn't seem at all bothered by it, so clearly he was used to accidentally bumping into things.

"I thought so, it's just interesting how androids that look the same can have wildly different personalities. Like those two PL600s, Daniel is clearly more reserved then Dan is, I noticed him panicking every time Dan said something rude to Peter. His owners must've done a number on his mental well-being, and I shudder to imagine what they did to him after that brief recounting of their behaviors." Strasky knew Daniel had been treated poorly, he just didn't want to imagine what was done to him, as he found it hard to believe a human could treat something that looked like a person so poorly.

He paused to look at the room again, taking note that it seemed Vincent recently started using fabrics to make toys as most were yarn. "I guess everything is up for grabs... Anything specific you're looking for?" He asked as he glanced at Willow.

The Prince leapt onto Dan's shoulders once it knew the PL600 was distracted, wrapping around his neck and shoulders so it could lay down without the risk of falling. Dan sighed as he allowed the creature to get comfortable on his shoulders, instead of pulling it off of him.

"He never has actually gotten on my nerves, something I can appreciate." Dan nodded, Peter even knew when to stop when he was hyper, so he was proud the human always had some level of control over himself, and the awareness to know if he was getting annoying.

"Well, I don't know someone would work on fixing that trauma, but if helping his friends is his only goal then that's good. They might be able to help each other come to terms with what they experienced." He knew it wouldn't be easy for Strasky to get over what happened to him, it would likely be a permanent thing that could only get better to a certain point.

"At least I can give some stuff that'll likely get at least a smile out of him. I know Peter just loves the word bonk, so try saying that instead of hit one time and see how he reacts." Dan felt he should at least provide some of the things that always seemed to cheer Peter up or get a laugh out of him.

Seeing Vincent more at ease convinced the android Bishop to relax, or what passed for that while he gave mean glares to all the present before shifting his attention to the tools and yarn that were being laid out for him.

He briefly glanced in Dan's direction, before picking them up and getting to work.

Bishop contemplated the rules of the game for a moment, before nodding. "Noted."

He moved to sit down, taking a moment to study the other androids. He supposed he could do this for the sake of scientific curiosity. It would be interesting to see how well machines could lie.

"I doubt that device could affect me, but I'm confident it won't be necessary." he commented dryly with a smirk.

It wouldn't be like him to join anything without talking smack first.

Meanwhile, Willow was still quietly scanning the room, taking in all the toys while studying Sixty's behavior. The lack of coordination didn't seem to hinder him, prompting her to refrain from offering her help with it.

She kept her hands folded behind her back as she listened to Strasky. "I assume they share an uncanny resemblance while the other may be more calm and collected the way Nines prefers to carry himself. He might give the impression of a well trained puppy instead of an overstimulated one."

None of that was said as a critique. She appreciated more than anyone the way the androids were allowed to thrive while embracing their personalities.

"Bulb and Prince are good enough, I guess." Rook shrugged. A Pokémon and a scrunkly looking glass creature didn't need crazy names to stand out. "Yep. That's how siblings work. At least you know he's being obnoxious because he wants your attention and not for other reasons."

It was nice to see for a change. Every time she jumped over to this dimension, it felt like dysfunctional families were the norm.

"He's not, you're right, at least in the biological sense." Rook confirmed. "His mind isn't running on his brain anymore so I guess that cuts out all the chemicals that would normally make him all bouncy. I think it's still in there somewhere, but he's also older and very traumatized. The hope is that helping out his friends will give him some peace too."

[meadowfics]

cryptic

kang dae-ho x f!reader

one of the scariest things happens to you after leaving the games

warnings: cryptic pregnancy, near death, at the time I am writing this season 3 is not out yet, angst, comfort at the end

when you entered the squid games, the last person you expected to see was dae-ho.

your heart nearly stopped when you spotted him in the crowd for the six-legged pentathlon.

you had to take a double take before starting the race with your group..

yup, there he was...broad shoulders, haunted eyes, and that same furrow in his brow you used to know so well.

he froze when he saw you up there ready to play with your own group, his lips parting in disbelief, but the guards didn’t give either of you time to process it.

the game began, and survival instincts took over.

you had the fastest group, luckily.

you completed the jegi game and ran to the finish line as everyone cheered for your group.

however, your ears tuned out everyone except for dae-ho, who made sure that you witnessed his support.

waiting for his group to come back to the dorms was torture for you.

its been nearly six-months since the last time you saw your ex-boyfriend.. however, you still loved him.

he broke up with you, and you had an idea as to why.

he felt like you deserved better, in terms of finding someone who had a bit more masculinity.

you never wanted that, or anyone else.. you always wanted your dae-ho.

a glimpse of relief was caught in your eyes when his group, the last group, entered the dorms.

he spotted you and gave you a light smile, before he turned away, retreating back to his group.

you wanted to talk to him, but what could you possibly say?

throughout the night, the exhaustion that settled over you wasn’t just from the constant fear of death but from the hunger you couldn’t shake away.

those pitiful trays of food barely sustained you, and your body craved more.

you kept with your group you had in the six-legged pentathlon..

when someone in your group couldn’t stomach their meal, you always took it, masking your desperation with a lighthearted

“don’t want it to go to waste.”

deep down, you hated that you were lying, but survival had its price.

dae-ho was always watching you, even when you weren’t aware of it.

he kept his distance, knowing how complicated things were between you two, but his protective instincts never faltered.

when you almost stumbled into danger during one of the nightly fights that broke out.. he was the one who grabbed your arm.

he pulled you to safety underneath his bunk before you could get hurt.

dae-ho didn’t say much, just a light, “stay alert, don't play any heroics,” before disappearing again.

the rebellion with the guards was a turning point.

the chaos had triggered dae-ho’s ptsd, and he was trembling, muttering under his breath about orders and mistakes.

when you witnessed him dropping the jacket full of gun magazines, you jumped up from your bunk bed to jog over to him.

007 nearly did too, but you stopped him.

"I got it.. ju- just stay with your mother."

approaching dae-ho, it broke your heart to see him like that because it reminded you why he left you in the first place.

the reason for the breakup is because he thought his brokenness from the marines would be too much for you to handle.

he pushed you away before you even knew how to help.

this time, you refused to let him spiral alone.

“dae-ho, look at me,” you said softly.

you tapped on his knee while rubbing his elbow softly, some physical reassurance while his ears were blocked by his strong hands.

“you’re not in the marines right now. you’re here, on this bed.. with me..."

you mumbled...

the man flinched hearing you, which caused you to nearly flinch as well.

did he think that you were going to hit him??

"we’re going to get through this, but you need to come back to me, okay?”

it took a long moment, even after hyun-ju came back, but your voice reached him.

after a while, his breathing steadied.

the next games were brutal. human chess left you rattled, knowing how easily a single wrong move would’ve ended you.

during the monkey bars game, you thought you were done for. every muscle in your body screamed, and it felt like your arms were going to give out at any second.

as a teenager, you had superior upper body strength.. whats so different now?

your arms were shaking for those last few bars, but at least you are alive.

when you collapsed on the other side, you were still shaking.

dae-ho was there in an instant, crouching beside you and muttering something you barely caught.

“its okay, you're okay, you made it. I'm here,"

it was a miracle that both you and dae-ho made it to the end.

his group—jun-hee, myung-gi, hyun-ju, and gi-hun—were all battered but alive.

you were the sole survivor from your group, most of them dying during dongdaemun.. and the weight of that loss lingered heavy in your chest.

when the games finally ended, and the guards began preparing to release you, dae-ho pulled you aside. his hands were rough but gentle as they grasped yours, his voice low and urgent.

“i didn’t think i’d survive this, let alone see you again. but we did, and i… i want to fix things. if you’ll let me.”

his words hit you like a wave, and you knew there was no denying the truth anymore. despite everything, you still loved him. you missed him. you wanted him back in your life.

“okay, we can fix this--”

you said softly, your voice cracking.

"but dae-ho.... why did you leave?"

you nearly cried, thinking about the last time you saw dae-ho before now.

the way he left your apartment, the way you could not eat for days, you wanted to make sure that something like that did not occur again with him.

"it was not you, like I said-- I thought you deserved better than me.. someone who was stronger than me."

the man frowned.

you placed your hand on his strong bicep, just on top of his marine tattoo.. your other hand went to his face.

"dae-ho, you're the strongest man I know. even if that wasn't the case, I do not want anyone else.. ever! I just want you."

you say.

at this point, the guards start taking everyone away to go back home.

“meet me at our cafe spot in seoul on november 16th!!!"

the last thing you remembered was the sound of his voice before the guards released the gas that knocked you out.

the impact of hitting the pavement still lingered in your body as you woke up, tied up, and blindfolded.

the cold concrete under you only added to the disorientation, and your heart pounded as you tried to make sense of what was happening.

all you could see is black.

then, a voice...soft and filled with concern...called out.

“oh my god, are you okay? hold on, let me help you.”

the blindfold was pulled away, and you blinked against the sudden light.

the woman in front of you had a kind face, her brows furrowed in worry as she quickly untied the ropes around your wrists.

“who did this to you?”

“i…” you paused, swallowing the lump in your throat.

“thank you. i don’t even know.”

"do you want me to call the police for you?"

"oh no, its okay do not worry about that!"

she helped you sit up, her hands hovering as if afraid you might collapse again.

“what’s your name?”

your mind raced, but you dodged the question.

“what’s today’s date?”

her expression shifted to confusion.

“it’s november 7th.”

november 7th. you exhaled deeply, relief and anxiety warring within you. nine days until november 16th.

nine days until you’d see dae-ho again. far too long, but at least you knew where to be.

time in the games had been meaningless, stretched and warped in the absence of phones and clocks.

as you stood up, you glanced down at yourself.

your old clothes were back...a black windbreaker jacket, green cargo pants, a black shirt, and your worn out adidas sambas.

it was strange to be out of the green tracksuit you had grown accustomed to, the one that labeled you as player 399.

instinctively, you reached into your pockets and felt something solid.

pulling it out, you saw a golden debit card. you stared at it, baffled, knowing it hadn’t been yours before the games. with shaking hands, you excused yourself.

“okay.. well i’m fine, really. thank you for helping me. i just… i need a moment.”

the woman hesitated, clearly unsure about leaving you alone.

“are you sure? you don’t look fine.”

“i’ll be okay,” you insisted, forcing a smile.

“thank you again.”

only six steps away, an atm caught your eye. you slid the card into the machine, your hands trembling.

the screen loaded, and when the balance appeared, your breath hitched. 11,398,890,025.33 won.

its the money you won in the games, split between the survivors..

before you could process the shock, a sharp pain shot through your stomach.

it felt like a punch, but there was no one there.

the pain grew worse, twisting and radiating until you doubled over.

“ahhh!” you yelped, clutching your stomach as the cramps intensified.

your knees buckled, and you collapsed, gasping for air while clenching your teeth.

the woman hadn’t gone far and came running back at the sound of your cries.

“hey! what’s wrong? oh my god, are you okay?!”

she knelt beside you, her panic rising as she saw the state you were in.

“i don’t know,” you choked out, tears welling up as the pain overwhelmed you.

“it hurts—my stomach—”

“okay, okay, stay with me. breathe! i’m calling an ambulance.” she pulled out her phone, her voice trembling as she gave the dispatcher your location.

“hang in there, okay? help is on the way.”

the pain was unbearable, and your vision blurred, the edges going dark as you struggled to stay conscious.

the faint sound of the woman’s voice and the distant wail of approaching sirens were the last things you heard before everything went black.

waking up, you felt a strange tightness around your stomach and a dull ache in your body.

the beeping of machines surrounded you, and cords were attached to your belly. you blinked, your heart racing as you noticed an iv in your arm.

panic set in when you realized your clothes were gone.

sitting up too fast, you scanned the room. relief washed over you when you spotted your jacket draped over a chair.

the golden debit card was still tucked in its pocket. you exhaled shakily, clutching the fabric for reassurance.

the door creaked open, and a doctor entered..a woman with a kind face and a soft smile.

“hello! I love to see that you’re awake. that’s good,” she said gently.

“please, lay back down. you need to rest.”

reluctantly, you complied, your mind still racing.

“what happened? why am i here?”

the doctor grabbed a clipboard, jotting something down before meeting your eyes.

“i need to ask you a few questions first by obligation... how have you been feeling lately? any nausea, fatigue, or changes in appetite?”

you frowned, her questions making no sense.

“i don’t know… i thought it was just stress. why are you asking me this?”

her expression softened, and she set the clipboard aside.

“miss. l/n… you’re in labor.”

the words hit you like a freight train.

“what?!” you gasped, sitting up again, ignoring the ache in your body.

your hands instinctively flew to your stomach.

“that’s not possible. i didn’t even know i was… i mean… i can’t be pregnant!”

the doctor gave you a reassuring look.

“your bloodwork confirms it, and you’re already in active labor. you didn’t notice the signs?”

you stared at her, your mind spiraling. sure, you had a small bump, but you chalked it up to overeating during the games.

you never connected it to something like this.

“you’re 36 weeks along,” she continued gently.

“it’s a bit early, but your baby seems strong. we’ll monitor you both closely since you haven’t had prenatal care. it’s a girl, by the way.”

the revelation stole the air from your lungs. a girl. you were carrying a child...a child you hadn’t even known existed.

your heart pounded as reality crashed down on you.

“oh my god,” you whispered, tears welling up.

the doctor reached out, her tone soothing.

“is the baby’s father here? do you want us to call him?”

you shook your head, panic rising.

“i don’t know how to contact him. i don’t even have a phone.”

“that’s okay,” she said softly.

“we’ll make sure you have support. we can arrange for a doula to be with you during delivery.”

the next few hours blurred together. the contractions came faster and harder, and you clung to the voices of the doula and two doctors, their encouragement keeping you grounded.

after two hours of pushing..

“here she is,” the doctor said, placing the tiny, squirming bundle on your chest.

you stared down at your daughter, your breath catching. she was beautiful, with the softest features... dae-ho’s nose, his eyes, his face in miniature. but her lashes and lips were yours.

“hi, baby,” you whispered, tears slipping down your cheeks.

she was quiet and calm, looking up at you with wide eyes. after the chaos of the past week, her presence felt like the first peaceful thing in your life.

the doctor explained that your stress likely triggered your early labor, but at 36 weeks, your daughter was healthy enough.

as the hours passed, you couldn’t take your eyes off her. she was perfect, even though the circumstances were far from it.

the looming question hung heavy in your mind...how were you going to tell dae-ho?

he was the only man you’d ever been with, the only person who could be her father.

without a phone or any way to contact him, the thought of reuniting with him felt impossible.

clutching your daughter close, you whispered a silent promise.

no matter how hard it would be, you’d find a way to tell him. he deserved to know, and your daughter deserved her father.

november 16th felt surreal as you approached the cozy cafe where you and dae-ho had agreed to meet.

your daughter was bundled up snugly in soft layers, her tiny face peeking out from the ivory blanket that kept her warm against the autumn chill.

the weight of her in your arms felt grounding, a reminder of how much had changed in such a short amount of time.

stepping inside, the familiar aroma of coffee and pastries filled the air, pulling you back to the times you had spent here with dae-ho before everything fell apart.

your eyes scanned the room until they landed on him.

he sat at a table in the corner, wearing one of the casual outfits you remembered so well...a simple black jacket over a gray hoodie and dark joggers.

it was such a stark contrast to the green tracksuit you had last seen him in during the games.

when his eyes lifted and met yours, they softened, lighting up with a mix of surprise, relief, and joy.

then, his gaze dropped to the baby in your arms, and his expression froze, his eyes widening in shock.

he stood as you approached, his movements hesitant but filled with emotion.

“hey,” he greeted, his voice quiet but trembling slightly.

“hey,” you replied, your voice barely above a whisper as you stopped in front of him. you glanced down at your daughter, then back at him.

“she’s yours.”

dae-ho’s breath hitched as his eyes locked onto the tiny bundle in your arms.

“mine?” he asked, his voice cracking.

he reached out cautiously, his large hands trembling as they hovered near her, afraid to touch but desperate to hold.

you nodded, gently placing your daughter in his arms.

“yeah. she’s our daughter, dae-ho. eight days old.”

the moment he held her, his composure shattered. his hands cradled her so delicately, as though she were made of the most fragile glass.

a tear escaped the corner of his eye as he looked down at her, his lips parting in awe.

“you were pregnant?” he finally managed to ask, his voice thick with emotion.

you nodded again, swallowing hard.

“i didn’t know. not at any point throughout the nine months.. not until after the games, when they dropped me off. i thought the cramps were just stress, but then… i went into labor. the doctors said I had a cryptic pregnancy, their first ever in their careers actually.”

dae-ho looked at her tiny face, taking in every feature—the little nose, the faint dimple in her cheek.

“she looks just like…” he trailed off, blinking rapidly.

“she looks like my second oldest sister.”

“she does,” you agreed softly, watching the way your daughter gazed up at him with pure love in her sleepy eyes.

his voice cracked as he whispered,

“i should’ve been there. i should’ve…” he paused, guilt flickering across his face.

“i wish i had known. i’m sorry i wasn’t there for you.”

you shook your head, reaching out to touch his arm.

“dae-ho, none of this is your fault. the circumstances… none of it was in our control. you’re here now, you have us.. and that’s what matters.”

he looked up at you, his eyes glassy with unshed tears.

“i promise you,” he said, his voice firm but filled with emotion, “i’m going to be here for both of you. no more running, no more excuses. we’ll be a family, and we’ll put everything from the games behind us.”

you nodded, tears streaming down your face as you watched him hold your daughter like she was the most precious thing in the world.

her tiny fingers curled around his thumb, and his heart seemed to melt at the sight.

the three of you will make it this work. you’d leave the trauma of the past behind and move forward

together.

masterlist

[chanrizard]

BANG CHAN'S INTERVIEW FOR HARPER'S BAZAAR KOREA

translation © channie_says

Q: with HOP you have achieved your 6th consecutive debut at No.1 billboard US chart in the first week of release. Billboard charts and the album sales can be important but as the leader of the team and a producer, Bang Chan, I wonder if there are other ways to measure the success. What else do Stray Kids need to show next?

BC: "it's yet to happen" "we have a long way to go" is what I usually say when people around me tell me that we have grown so big.

I even hear things like "stop being humble, you don't need to do that anymore" but I couldn't do that. Success is a thing that is still far from us. We'll keep on running. Our direction is decided but the destination is still unknown. The goal that everyone knows, I'm curious about what's next/beyond that. We want to go till there.

Q: Stray Kids is like the personification of energy to me. Not only in the songs and performances of each of you but also the growth since your debut till now. You have reached here by taking one step at a time and running without resting. What is the source of your energy?

BC: if you observe every member, you'll see that everyone has something burning inside them. That hot ember burns vigorously when we are on stage. STAY also fuels it continuously. (laughs) Honestly the flames can get weaker as time passes by, but if a flame dies out in our team then it gets reignited quickly because there are 7 remaining flames! We're busy keeping each other warm.

Q: what form does straykids' pride take?

BC: it might be cringy but I think loving the members and being understanding towards each other. I really think of us as real brothers.

Q: is it closer to friendship than teamwork?

BC: Uhm, it's love more than friendship. Should say, if teamwork can be consciously matched, for us it just comes from the heart.

That's why we can understand (each other) even if we make mistakes, and want to evolve with each other. I think that's the most important thing. Sometimes i wonder too, how can we be like this.

Q: do you have an answer to that?

BC: recently I thought "shouldn't we be a little more mature" but then another part of me was like "do we really need to, tho". When we are together we're still like kids in their teens because we're too busy constantly teasing each other. As the oldest, I get subjected to it the most. It's really childish but I like that childishness. That's how real friends are. Forcefully pretending to be mature according to your biological age is boring. In the future too, we'll keep being childish like we are.

Q: maybe the answer could just be that you all haven't grown up but leader Bang Chan seems to have a really heavy burden on his shoulders. What sense of duty does Bang Chan feel now?

BC: I don't know if l am doing well as a leader. Since i don't know, I'm working harder to do better. I have to produce too, and take care of the members too...the pressure is a lot. It's an obsession. I'm trying to accept it these days. even if the members' emotional state synchronizes, there's times that I pretend to not know/ notice it. If I see it then I would want to fix it and take care of the members but that's my obsession and everyone is an adult.

They might not even like it if I step in. I'm trying to consciously put "members can do well on their own" in my head. It's gotten really better if I compare it to when we debuted (laughs).

Q: Your nickname is 'bangbeoji' (bangfather) right? That sounds like a problem my dad who has raised children might have (laughs). Were you a strict leader during your trainee days?

BC: l feel really sorry about treating the members coldly back then. My trainee life was really long, I was the only one left as all my close friends debuted, left, new ones came, and left again....after going through such situations repeatedly, my personality changed drastically. I didn't wanna get hurt anymore so I decided that I wouldn't get closer to anyone. It was the darkest time of my life. l was worrying thinking 'now what will happen with my life' and that's when the members appeared in front of me.

Q: you're really strict with yourself, aren't you?

BC: I'm the type to point out and worry about the smallest things that don't even matter. When I watch back our performances, I always think "why did i do it like that" and I'm almost never satisfied with myself but what will I do if I only like myself. It's good if I like others too. I can't become a self-centered person.

On top of that, music/songs doesn't have an answer. Even while producing I try my best and work hard and make constant improvements based on the reactions that I saw while letting people listen to it, that's the type of person am. I haven't lived long but while living I have found that there's a lot of people I'm grateful for. Company employees, members, family, friends... I want to thank them all.

To do that, I think it's really important to make a result that will satisfy everyone a little more.

Q: we wanna know Bang Chan's playlist.

BC: honestly from the position of someone who has to continuously make songs, it's hard to listen to others' songs. I always end up listening with intent. These days I enjoy listening to sounds from the outside. Sounds of the city, car sounds, sounds of kids running around and playing in the playground.

Q: are you gonna end up wearing a bucket (on your head) later like ryuichi sakamoto? (laughs)

BC: I have even done things like that in the past like just tapping my elbow with a microphone and carefulylistening to the sound it makes. Since I arrange the songs myself, that's why I wonder if there are any unique sounds.

Q: the things bangchan is thinking of these days, feeling these days too, those will come out in the world as your work someday, right? with that, I'm curious of what you're feeling these days and what has been on your mind recently.

BC: what were my inner thoughts recently... (musing out loud) uhm...I'm feeling 'confused'

Q: I expected it to be 'excited like a kid' or 'calm like a saint' but that was unexpected.

BC: these days I'm very confused internally but didn't wanna let that confusion out, I hate to influence other people with negativity for no reason. For this feeling to calm down, I have found that the way is maintaining a calm state. I think the members say "eh? why is that hyung like this these days" after seeing that. (laughs)

Q: that's why you also have started boxing in the new year?

BC: when l took my first lesson, I felt really good. It felt good to focus on something without any useless thoughts for 1 hour. Boxing really feels like meditation to me.

Q: what's making Bang Chan confused?

BC: the fact that people are all different. Really different. I knew it already but it came to me like a new thing. This person is like this, that person is like that. I can't fix them, and there's no need to fix them so I not understand it? No, but still I should... that's what it's like inside my head these days.

Q: you described it as "confusion" but Bang Chan right now seems to be in the middle of putting a lot of effort into understanding the world or people no matter what.

BC: I feel like I came here for mental counseling (laughs). Yes, you're right. As I said I'm not really a self-centered person but still I'm trying to live for myself these days.

Q: you set foot in the entertainment industry at a really young age, leaving your home, austrailia. if we count your trainee years too then it has been 15 years. What keeps you grounded when you feel shaken?

BC: the members. I don't want to become a person they feel ashamed of. I want to hear the members say things like "that hyung is genuine" "that hyung is cool" the most. I'm really childish. (laughs)

Q: l got a hint from"that hyung is genuine". It's said that psychologically, the compliment that makes a person the happiest tells about what they think of as the most valuable thing in their life.

BC: me and the members aren't very expressive/good at expressing ourselves. I don't know what they think but I want to be a reliable and trustable hyung to the kids. I think I might have the need to feel acknowledged a little after all.

Q: if you look at the things you've done till now, it doesn't feel like success came to you really quick but you're still very young. What kind of adult/man do you want to become?

BC: first of all, I wanna be with the members for a long time. I think it'd be really funny to become grandfathers (old men) and say "it was like that back in the days" but honestly I feel like I'm always stuck at 25.

Q: you're forever 25.

BC: yes, I want to keep on living as a 25 year old but reporter-nim*, what does growing up even mean? *joking*

Q: from our conversation today, it seems like you're in the midst of that process Bang Chan-ssi. Accepting things you can't change, knowing how to let go, listening carefully to other people's opinions. On top of that, you said earlier that you are confused in the process of trying to understand others' world, that's essential.

BC: it's not something that happens naturally? then I might really be growing up (laughs)

*reporter felt weird without a "nim" and there isn't really another way to make it sound respectful and not monotoned because ENGLISH FUCKING SUCKS but anyway (translator's note)

[muddyorbsblr]

empty baskets

'one look and they'll know' collection masterlist See my full list of works here!

Placement: dating era; a few weeks after 'the warmest bed i've ever known'

Summary: Tom makes a concerning discovery on laundry day

Pairing: Tom Hiddleston x Reader

Word Count: 2.2k

Warning/s: steamy moments at the end; insecure Reader; mentions of previous cheating from exes; mentions of former toxic relationships [let me know if i missed anything!]

Things to be aware of: cinnamon roll bf Tomathy hours

The sound of the front door to his house closing alerted Tom of your return, a smile stretching across his face when you called out his name.

"In the laundry room, sweetheart. I'll be with you in a minute," he answered.

"Remember to separate your lights and darks." He could practically hear the amused smile on your face as you said the words.

His heart swelled at the comfortable humorous tone that you'd taken, at the familiarity that had woven its way into your exchanges, no matter how minuscule they might have been to anyone who would have been listening. After the scare of nearly losing you just under a month ago, he knew better than to take any moment with you for granted.

Tom dropped a final black running shirt into the load and was just about to start it, when he finally noticed what had felt off about this particular chore. What he had been feeling off about the past few weeks.

None of the clothes in the wash were yours. Not a single garment.

I must have missed them, he thought to himself, going through the other basket, brows furrowing together when he found it was just as empty as the one in his hand.

You'd been staying with him for the last two weeks, and he knew that you changed clothes. That was, at least during the times when the two of you were clothed in the house.

And yet despite that, he couldn't find a single item of your clothing in this room. Which led him to believe that you were keeping them in a laundry bag. Probably where you stashed your suitcase, in the entry way coat closet.

Only thing was that your laundry bag was nowhere to be found, and your suitcase was suspiciously heavier than it was yesterday morning. "Y/N?" he called out to you, unable to help the smile on his face when you peeked your head out from the study.

"What's up?"

"Anything you need to put in the wash, sweetheart?"

The confusion worsened when you shook your head. "Nope, I'm all good." And then you gave him a smile that was so strained it filled him with a sense of dread. The same kind of dread that he felt when he came home not two weeks ago to find you curled up in a chair, mumbling words that threatened to turn his world asunder had he not stopped you.

What were you hiding?

He made his way over to you, placing his hands on your shoulders, heart thundering in his chest when he saw the avoidant look in your eyes. Like you were desperately trying to scour your mind for a way out.

Just like you were that night he showed up at your doorstep. When you blurted out how you felt about him and promptly tried to take it back, denying you said anything at all. "You don't need to hide anything from me, goddess," he said carefully, pressing a tender kiss to your lips. "I want you to know that."

"My dirty clothes are in the Four Seasons, I have a room booked there to keep my things," you blurted out, the words rushing out of you with a sheepish look on your face. "That's where I went this morning, to grab a new set of clothes and…anything else I might need."

Tom took in a deep breath, unaware that he'd been holding it while awaiting your answer. A weight was somewhat lifted from his chest, though there was still the lingering fear that somehow part of this secret was in the form of another person.

It had happened before, with previous relationships. And while he felt that fear significantly less when you were around, it still lingered…and festered into something that had the potential to be crippling if it ever turned out to be true.

Even if it was fairly early on in the relationship, he knew in the depths of his soul that this would be his last. You would be the one he spent the rest of his life loving, the one he would build his future with. And whether that future entailed marriage and children, it no longer mattered to him.

What mattered, all that mattered, was that future would have you.

"Why?" he asked, silently pleading that the answer wouldn't involve his worst fears. He couldn't take that. Not from you.

"It's for…just in case," you said, barely audible. Your eyes began to mist over as you started trembling in his hold. "For if…and when…you get tired of having me around. Then I wouldn't have to scramble for a place to stay. Because it's already there prepped and waiting for me."

Your words completely stole the air from his lungs, quite possibly even stopped his heart. Tired of you? You did this because you were bracing yourself for the day he would tire of you?

"It happened before," you spoke again, choking the words out as you visibly fought against what he had no doubt were haunting memories from relationships past. "Long before, but still…it sucked. Not having anywhere to stay for a few hours, calling friends who suddenly pretended I was nobody to them because they took my ex's side. Calling hotels that were fully booked. I just wanted to be sure."

Suddenly your actions around his home filled him with a heartbreaking clarity. It wasn't just your clothes.

Not a single item on the bathroom counter was yours. You even kept your toothbrush in a little bag. 

The meticulous way you'd place back every item in his study and pack away all your work in your tote before putting it in the entry way closet with your suitcase. He simply thought you were being tidy.

But it wasn't that simple.

Other than your very presence in his arms now, there wasn't a single trace of you to be found in this house. Everything you had here wasn't just easy to pack up in five minutes to have you out the door.

You wouldn't even need five seconds.

He couldn't think of what else to do at that moment other than pull you into a desperate kiss, weaving his fingers into your hair and holding you tight against him with his free arm. The tension that held on to his heart with a vice grip lessened somewhat when he felt your lips moving with his, your own hands grasping at the fabric of his shirt to bring him in even closer.

How could you not know that this was precisely where he wanted you? Always?

"I could never tire of you, goddess," he sighed against your lips when he broke the kiss. "I love you."

"I love you, too," you answered him with the faintest sniffle. "I need you to know that none of this is on you. You did nothing to make me feel this was what I should do, this is just…leftover self preservation. I don't know how to be any other way."

Tom took your hands in his, pressing a kiss to your knuckles. "Perhaps we can find a new way together," he proposed, placing one last kiss on your ring finger. The one he wished to place a ring upon one day.

It didn't matter when.

He motioned towards the bedroom, threading his fingers between yours to lead the way. "Come with me. I want to show you something."

There was a slight guilt that pinched away at his heart, realizing that you never even so much as peeked into the closet or the dressers. Because if you had, you would have seen it sooner.

You would have seen that he'd set aside half the dresser storage, and half the closet.

He was so overtaken with the joy of finally having you with him, he failed to see the signs that you hadn't been moving as if you lived with him. You moved like a scrupulously careful guest in his home, making sure everything was exactly as it was before you arrived.

Always ready to leave at a drop of a hat.

When the light turned on in the walk-in closet, Tom could hear the air leave your lungs the moment you that half of the racks were empty. He held your hand as he opened the drawers on the empty side, showing you that they, too, had nothing inside.

"You're not a guest in my home, Y/N. I--I know that it might be too early for us, but I want more than anything for you to see this as our home. I can understand if you're not quite ready yet, but I want you to know that there's space here for you. I don't want you to have to throw away money for a hotel room that isn't even slept in."

"Money isn't an issue," you mumbled, your eyes still fixed on the space he'd freed up for you. When you eventually tore your gaze away, he could see the tears that were welling up. "It's just…I've taken care of myself for so long. It's all I know. No one I was with ever cared--"

"I care, sweetheart." He pulled you into his arms, sighing into your hair when he felt you return his embrace. "And I understand you wish to take care of yourself, but perhaps I could care for you, too?"

Your only response was to nuzzle your face against his chest, before nodding against him. "Maybe we can take care of each other."

He kissed the top of your head, leading you out the closet and reaching for his phone, already placing a call to his assistant. "I'll send for someone to retrieve your belongings from the Four Seasons and settle the bill. You don't have to unpack everything if you're not ready, but at least they'll all be here. And I know you mentioned that money isn't an issue for you, but it doesn't sit right with me knowing you're spending so much on an unused room."

A soft smile finally graced your features, and you visibly looked more relaxed as you agreed to his proposal. "Fine. But next time we stay at a hotel I'm paying."

"It's a date," he said, bringing your joint hands up to kiss the back of your hand.

A tiny smile tugged at the corner of your mouth as you sat on the floor of the closet, your carry-on splayed open beside you as you carefully placed your clothes in the open drawers that Tom freed up for you. Our home, his words replayed in your mind. The mere thought threatened to overwhelm you.

He really is trying to ruin me for everyone else but him, you thought to yourself, your mind wandering back to that note you buried deep in the vaults of your phone. You were seldom one to let your guard down anywhere other than your home, where every security measure had triple the redundancies just to make sure that vulnerabilities were minimized, if not eradicated completely.

In your line of work, the one starkly outside the path that brought you to the man you love, it wasn't just a "nice to have" to have multiple measures of security. The alternative was to be in a constant state of alertness. To always be ready to fight your way out.

You never knew there could be another way. A way where there were no backups, or backups for your backups. A way that no longer involved having a place ready for you in case you got kicked to the curb because your boyfriend decided to finally take up the offer of the office succubus.

Before you knew it, the carry-on was empty, other than your run of the mill weapons of choice for self-defense. But you decided against placing that anywhere within reach, instead zipping the compartment closed before closing and locking the luggage.

There was no need for it here.

The door to the closet opened, the sight of your boyfriend walking in wearing only a pair of grey sweatpants making you smile and bite your lip. "Well hey there," you greeted him, placing your hand in his and letting out a little giggle when he helped you to your feet before pulling you into a kiss.

"Just need a few more pieces to put in the wash, darling," he murmured against your lips. "Four, to be exact."

He worked his hands under your shirt and pulled it over your head, proceeding to work his way under the waistband of your joggers.

"Three…" You held on to his shoulders to keep upright, a teasing smirk on his face as he hooked his fingers underneath your panties. "Two…" In one smooth motion, he tugged them downwards, both garments falling to your feet, your boyfriend letting out a sinful guttural sound when you were bared to him.

Then your feet left the ground, him lifting you by the backs of your thighs and coaxing you to wrap your legs around him as he brought you back into the bedroom. He laid you down on the bed, lustful darkened blue eyes raking over your body before he reached for the waistband of his own sweats.

"One…"

A/N: Where can I order one of these cinnamon roll Tomathy-shaped boyfriends? Asking for myself--

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[starberry-cupcake]

*doing a recap as I suffer listening to my football/soccer team go through it in another tab, I'd wait but I want to finish day one of nona today because Things are happening tomorrow*

previously, in nona del 9:

this happened

this is the general tag for those catching this recap loose in the wild

also, I don't wanna put this person out there like that, so I'm not sharing url, but I want to apologize personally to them for not starting these recaps from the beginning (I didn't know this was going to happen)

and also please don't let me deter you from reading these books if I'm unfunny, I can't live with that burden

please read them anyway

I was telling @lady-harrowhark how I feel I'm embarrassing her in front of fandom famous people and now I feel I'm embarrassing all of you, I'm so sorry

CHAPTER 6 (sixth house skull babeeeyyyyyy)

people are having trouble with the economy, employment and political strife

so, we're not doing a lot better in the future, is what I'm hearing

this is not the sci fi future I'd like to see, folks

some people are like "at least with the houses people knew who had to pay them"

I think we've all lived in situations where we had to hear someone say something like this

camilla asks nona if she would want to leave to the idyllic farming fairy tale pyrrha imagines they could run away into

(not that it doesn't sound nice, but that's so unlikely pyrrha, I mean, come on)

nona says she doesn't because she loves it there

which means nothing, because nona loves everything

the bar isn't super high here

after a bath and reading the advice column (?) nona asks camilla to tell her the story of how they met her

(kinda wild that this part coincided with penalty kicks in the game, not that I'm live blogging the match, just thought I'd take you on a full experience here)

(we won, but my blood pressure was put to the test and now I can come back to re capping properly)

(I'm still not used to the paperback thing and I'm live-reading rather than finishing a chapter and doing a recap as I used to)

(still haven't found my footing here)

so, there's a lot of info here but, at the same time, not enough info, you get me?

isn't that just the tlt experience, though???

isn't that what we love????

crafting theories and getting tangled with the red yarn???

we're all connected with the red thread of conspiracy

camilla and palmolive were trying to communicate and they knew "she" was in trouble

which refers to nona, but I assume it's not nona yet, I assume they're talking about...harrow??

camilla says that "she" disappeared but they found "her" and pyrrha and "she" was hurt

pyrrha helped them escape, but they lost ships and people and "something very important"

is that gideon's body?????? is that "something very important" gideon's body???????

DON'T LOSE GIDEON'S BODY, PLEASE!!!

WE NEED THAT!!!

WE'RE NOT DONE WITH THAT!!!

so, camolive and pyrrha asked to be able to keep "her" and we suffer interceded for them at that time

and then palmolive convinced "the Oversight Body" and the sixth house to evacuate

I don't know what the "oversight body" is

if they lost gideon's body, that's definitely an oversight

palmolive chose 16 people to talk to BOE

I'm sure one of them was his mom, she was cool, I liked her

I didn't realize that was his mom reading the story until someone pointed it out, though

I embarrassed myself there

ANYWAY

THEN nona woke up

after they lived together for a while, the light in the sky appeared and, according to camilla, BOE betrayed them

or wasn't able to protect them anymore

they're fucked, is the overall important thing to take from it

idk if this is why coronabeer and palmolive aren't in speaking terms right now

they mention the sixth house people being lost, or at least nona asks if she can help find them if she remembers who she is

also, awake me up inside seems to have been we suffer's boss

so she has beef with pyrrha

according to camilla, it's because pyrrha was best friends with the person who killed her

idk if camilla and/or we suffer know the whole thing about pyrrha and og!gideon being intimate with commander wakey wakey, though

also, incredibly important

this is essential information

kevin is good at origami

we love kevin

JOHN 5:20

we've established in the first one that these are bible verses

the previous one (20:8) was about the empty tomb

for the record, it was: "Finally the other disciple, who had reached the tomb first, also went inside. He saw and believed."

this one is: "For the Father loves the Son and shows him all he does. Yes, and he will show him even greater works than these, so that you will be amazed."

dr reverend emperor john asshat is still talking (to harrow???)

of course he's still talking, he loves the sound of his own voice

he's telling her about how he got where he got with his lyctor buddies

apparently, his cryogenics plan was cancelled in both senses of the word

it was stopped from continuing to run

and it got into the press, so people started panicking about the end of the world and everything was going to shit

important to note that C and N were dating, and I guess this is Cassiopeia and Nigella? because Cyrus is also a C but since Nigella is Cassiopeia's cav, I'm gonna go for that option

good for them, we love cassiopeia

she had ceramics and was sixth house

also, augustine is being dramatic, but what else is new

they also were collecting bodies to test on and weren't able to cremate them anymore because of the experiments made on them

for personal family and country history reasons, I'm not gonna make jokes about that one

but it was something to note from the conversation that seems to be important for later

now, here it gets complicated

because dr reverend emperor john keeps drop naming people

or drop letter-ing?

and naming planets in our system

pyrrha was a cop, apparently

very evident in her behavior

and then he says that, because of the press, he wasn't going to be allowed to work again

and also says: "I sure as hell wouldn't be allowed to work on anything else to do with you"

in the last one, he said "Harrowhark" when interacting, so I took it this could be harrow's soul or whatever

but that doesn't add up with this????

because then he starts talking about this "you" being sick and not telling them, so I'm starting to wonder if this is ice cube barbie aka annabell lee aka AL aka The Body

so, dr john goes on some breakthrough spree and mercygirl says he's probably on coke (among other things)

and he says "coke zero"

I'm a coke zero girlie and you're not welcome here, mr man

you're not like me

he has some bodies which are his "favorites"

and when the Powers That Be shut them down and cut the electricity from them

(because they were using 3% of the country's electricity)

(fuck them tbh)

all the bodies collapsed, except from the ones he had "touched" and "loved"

ALLEGEDLY

ALSO, he again calls her "Harrow"

which ??????????????????????????????????????????

how is this harrow and also whoever was sick back then, who I thought was ice cube barbie????????

what's happening????????????????????

the chapter ends with the word "incorrupti"

which is either a typo or something's going on there

could be either, could be both

AND THAT'S IT FOR DAY 1!!!! we're moving ahead!!!!

[zaceouiswriting]

Fairy Prince - Hearts of Leviathans - Ch.47

Character: Sky x male reader, Riven x male reader, Brandon x male reader, (OC) Callisto x male reader

Universe: Somewhere in Winx Club/Saga

Warnings: A little blood

(Brandon)

(Callisto)

Brandon quickly leads us to the landing platforms behind the school. But the closer we get, the more a strange feeling spreads in my stomach, but I think nothing of it, at least not until it gets worse. To calm my anxiety, I dare to look over my rescuer's shoulder, even though I don't think anyone else would attack us. But with wide eyes, I witness exactly what I thought would never happen to us again. Once again, the universe must contradict me.

"Stop!" I shout, causing Brandon to stop immediately. My shocked eyes jump to him, only to see him looking at me in complete confusion. His gaze alone makes me realize that he thought I meant for him to stop. I blush at my stupidity. "Sorry, I didn't mean you," I mumble, a little ashamed.

“Who did you mean then?” He asks, still visibly confused, looking like a lost, perhaps even sad puppy.

Unable to speak in the face of such cuteness, I simply look over his shoulder again, but Brandon doesn't seem to understand. I feel his eyes still on me.

My previously yelled words were ignored by the person they were intended for because soon after, a second pair of hands wrapped around me, easily ripping me from the safe arms that had protected my life not so long ago. 

Before I know it, I'm squashed against another chest that I know all too well. Attempting to speak only gets me pressed even harder against those perfectly formed pecs. Sometimes I really despise Callisto for being so damn attractive because even if it were just for a moment, I wish I could just stay there, but if we don't get away quickly, I probably won't be among the living for long.

Seeing no other way out since he isn't even looking at me, I pull my arm back, and with all the strength I can muster, I let my fist fly. 

Although I don't hear an unpleasant crunching or feel any strange sensation under my fist, he still loosens his grip on me. I use this moment to jump out of his arms, only to almost fall to the ground as my knees give way from weakness. I realize that soon, I won't even have enough strength to stand on my own.

Before I can say anything, Daniel is already at my side, with his right arm around my waist and my left arm over his shoulder, where he holds it tightly. I couldn't be more grateful that he preserves my dignity, but there's time to thank him later when I'm not about to die anymore.

"Did you bring a pilot?" I feel dizzy just talking. The situation is becoming increasingly dangerous for my health. I can hear him answering me, but not the actual words. My head is too foggy, so I'm just assuming he gave me a positive answer. "Good, we need to get to Alfea immediately!"

I didn't give them a second thought before dragging Daniel to the Hawke. Daniel is the real hero here; he supports me almost entirely without compromising my dignity like the others did while carrying me. Even though Brandon's arms feel the most comfortable, this arrangement is better because it prevents Callisto from getting jealous. Maybe if he didn't skip gym class so often, his arms would feel as good as Brandon's. 

Even though I'm pretty sure I was only thinking about these things and not saying them out loud, I still feel like the boys are starting to stare at me. It's probably just because I hit Callisto, although it should be normal for them to see that by now since we hit each other quite often, mostly because we know how far we can go without really hurting each other. But sometimes, the boys just act crazy.

Luckily, it doesn't take long until we're finally inside this killing machine, and the uncomfortable atmosphere dissipates, but honestly, my body doesn't feel so good anymore. It feels like my body wishes to sleep for at least a thousand years, but I'm afraid that if I let myself fall, I won't wake up as quickly as before or at all.

As I sit, I lean my head against one of the walls of the machine; my eyelids feel heavy. As I replay the day in my head and think back to the early morning, I remember how refreshed I felt. Even though my eyes are heavy, I close them. It takes a lot of energy to move my head so I can look down at my left hand. Safely inside lies the small homemade stuffed animal. A gentle smile crosses my lips. I lift it to my head and lean against the jewel eyes. I press my mana into my head and let it flow out of it. The jewels absorb it immediately, but it does not stay in them; instead, what makes me so lethargic stays inside them and lets my clear mana flow out again, which I, in turn, quickly draw back into myself.

After a few moments, my head is clear again. I lower the little animal to my heart and do the same. Although I know it is irrelevant because everything will soon be the same as before, walking alone will be enough, at least for a while.

“We’re landing!” suddenly shouts the guy Callisto brought as a pilot with him.

A little stunned, I couldn't believe it had happened so quickly—after all, we had only just started, right? But as I stand up and walk to the front, I actually see Alfea sprawling before us.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” the guy asks me when he sees me coming.

I look at him for the first time. He's not the nerd type like most other pilots; he looks more like a laid-back guy with a light tan, medium-length brown wavy hair, a casual smile, and friendly green eyes.

"You're from Terrenia, right?" The guy stares at me, probably trying to figure out how I know. "It's because of your skin; that's how I know you're from the Reinios region, probably either Bartel or the region's capital, Bautel."

I see him swallow hard, either out of fear or just amazement that I can so easily tell where he's coming from. But for me, it's not even strange; I can do it with almost anyone.

"Yes," he finally replies, his knuckles turning white as he grips parts of the machinery tighter. "What can I do for you?"

I wave him off with an apologetic smile. "Nothing," I say quietly. "If you ever go back to your homeworld, give your guardian fairy and her father, the King, a message from me." I lean closer to him, but as inconspicuously as possible. "The stone never forgets."

Even though my words were vague and most people wouldn't have understood them, his skin turns deathly pale. He must be a nobleman or a member of the royal family. I'm sure they'll show up when I enter into my forced marriage—when I get closer to the throne of my homeland—to try to ease their worries and beg me to stay allied to them. Theoretically, I could be crowned the new King of Gyonos at any moment; as my powers grow, my grandfather's life will slowly end. However, I have always dreamed of wearing the lost stone crown from when my homeworld was considered one of the jewels of the magical dimension.

The death machine lands soon after, so hard that I have to grab the guy's shoulder pretty hard. I quietly apologize before leaving to get out of this disgusting thing. The rest of my group, except the pilot, quickly follows, but Daniel and Vinok overtake me and walk ahead as usual, almost as if they were my guards. They are way too sweet.

I am grateful, though, because this place still scares me, despite having to come here regularly to receive lessons for my awakening and development as a fairy. However, I always wear a hood to avoid looking at those despicable little princesses. I don't speak to any of them, and I stubbornly ignore them even when they try.

But when we get to the gate, it doesn't open. The boys start whispering, but before anyone can get the wrong idea, I quickly weave through the two before me and continue walking. I can hear them shouting at me, but the words get stuck in their throats as the doors open without me having to do anything. I immediately step through, only to remind the others to follow them before the doors quickly close again.

Even as I speak, the doors do just that. Daniel and Vinok jump through, but Brandon and Callisto look at each other. They're one of the few things I really like about the school: they look like the Empress's big fairy wings, rising from the floor to the upper center of the pink archway where they would meet. I gave up hope of seeing them when the doors were already half closed again. Disappointed, I turned towards the building and left without waiting for them any longer. If they don't want to come, I won't force them.

Suddenly, I hear a scream. Fear courses through me, causing my whole body to turn around on its own accord, only to see two idiots flying through the air. I wanted to ignore it and just go my way, but the proximity of the double doors to their legs made that impossible.

When I see the doors closing faster than usual, it doesn't look like they'll make it through. Rolling my eyes, I try to convince myself everything will be fine. But when I feel myself biting my upper lip, I know, even if it's just to calm my worries, that I have to do something to make sure these idiots don't die on my watch.

"Stone Fist!" My summoned stone of choice appears outside the school grounds. It could have been anything, but I really wanted to show them how stupid they were.

With a wave, I sent the stone straight at them. Somehow, I managed to get them at the same height, thus reducing the potential damage. Unfortunately, you can't have everything; perhaps a few broken bones would've given them a sense of self-preservation.

When the stone reaches the two idiots, it's not as close as I feared, but close enough that one or both might at least be injured. Their bodies fly past me quickly. I don't care how they land. I listen with a sickening glee as they slam into the ground with painful groans and wince. Despite everything, I still wander towards them, stopping right next to their heads and staring down at them in disappointment.

"I would ask what you two were thinking, but we don't have time. So why don't you get up and-"

Suddenly, my body aches, and despite my blurred vision, I see the ground much closer than before. It's truly pathetic that I collapsed because of something like this. Although the pressure of the hole in my mana core is severe, it's not the worst pain I've ever experienced. But even on all fours, the pain didn't get any better. Instead, it feels like something inside my body is tearing me apart.

Before I know it, my mouth fills with something disgusting: a metallic taste. It dawns on me. Unable to hold it back, I reflexively spit it out, covering the pink stones that make up most of the place with my deep red blood. The whole world starts to blur, spinning faster than it should. It's not the first time it's happened, but usually not in such a serious situation, but when I try to get up too quickly after waking up.

But before anything can happen, I see the sky again. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Daniel and Vinok holding me upright. Although I want to thank them, I find it difficult to get the words out. But then I hear them talking about how they have to take me to the infirmary. Panic overcomes me.

"No!" I scream, finding the strength to protest again. I can barely move my head to see their stunned faces. Although I am grateful, I tear myself out of their grip. "We are going to see Professor Palladium," I tell them, wiping the blood off myself.

Thankfully, I'm trained for moments like this. The only issue is that my aura core no longer resides within me, making it less accessible than it was back on the battlefield. However, with some concentration and sheer panic, I managed to access it through my ring with sheer force. By empowering my body with aura, the side effects of what's happening to me are almost negated—at least for a while.

As my gaze becomes sharper, I perceive many indignant looks directed at us. With my patience already at an end, I pull myself together again.

"What?" I ask them in a tone reserved for people who deserve social death. "Do any of you gossipy little princesses want to comment on us?"

Almost immediately, all the girls cower, maybe out of fear or, hopefully, shame, but one thing is certain: they wouldn't do it again.

Although I sense the discomfort of the other boys, who may actually be interested in at least some of these girls, I order them to follow me, as I need to speak to the professor sooner rather than later.

Despite blood still partially covering my face, I walk with my head held high, with two of my friends in front of me and behind me as if they were my guards once more, but deep down, I know they just want to ensure I don't kill a fairy or two. I'd be lying if I said that hadn't crossed my mind, but right now, there are bigger problems than a few little fairies.

I walk purposefully through the school as if I know where we are going. And in reality, I do know, although I don't tell them, so they think I'm walking around like an idiot.

Despite all this, no one says anything. Maybe they know, which would be surprising because I often feel like they see me as a little boy who needs an adult to look after him.

But what no one sees is the compass in my front pocket. My hand rests on it. Whenever I feel its vibrations, I know we are getting closer. In the end, I didn't need it at all because the compass vibrates strongly just outside the alchemy lab.

Without knocking, I open the classroom door and get everyone's attention. As luck would have it, it's Stella's class, but I don't glance at her, even though it hurts deep inside me. I can only hope that one day, she will return to being the sweet, whiny child she was when we met.

Instead, I immediately go to Palladium's desk and put the little stuffed animal down.

"It's a... cute animal, but what can I really do for you?"

He knows me all too well. Smiling, I lift the animal. "I need to know what kind of crystals these are."

Palladium looks over my shoulder and gives the class something to do before taking the animal and leading us into another room next to the classroom. Inside, it's cozy, with many hanging, standing, and partially floating plants. The opposite wall is littered with hundreds of books, in front of which is a small table with a cup of steaming coffee and a comfortable-looking chair waiting for someone to sit on it.

At the left end of the room is a wooden desk, messy and different than I expected because Palladium looks well put together.

The professor goes straight to his desk, and as soon as he sits down, the door slams shut. This is followed by a shrill scream that catches my full attention. I look at Callisto with a questioning, raised eyebrow.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbles quietly, “I’m a bit jumpy.”

Hearing those words, so different from his usual cool demeanor, brings a gentle smile to my lips. But then I feel something bubbling inside me. I know exactly what it is, so I take his hand, pull him closer, press my head against his chest, and giggle quietly, hidden by his hoodie.

“I’ll remember that for later,” I whisper in his ear as my laughter fades.

Even though I hear him gasp in what is likely feigned shock, I pull away from him, not only because I fear he might take revenge but, more importantly, because I hear Palladium whispering. Before Callisto can pull me back, I've already jumped around Daniel. Without a word, he steps between us, but not without warning me not to play too hard.

I sit down on the other side of the professor's desk. It's only a matter of time before I get dizzy again. Palladium isn't really paying attention to me; his eyes are focused on the jewels in the little animal Callisto made for me. Just thinking about it makes me smile. I mean, how often does it happen that a male noble can use his hands like that and then use them to help someone?

“Why did you come to me with this?”

Palladium's sudden question almost makes me jump out of my skin. Flustered, I put my fist over my mouth and cleared my throat. I'm so shocked that I almost can't answer him.

"It's the smell of stone around you," I tell him quietly, "like you've lived underground for a long time." 

It's strange that an elf only partially smells like one, and the other half smells like what I imagine a dwarf would smell like. I've only read about them in an old children's book: "The Children of the Stone.“

The older man looks up from the animal for the first time as if trying to understand my words. He smiles kindly and shakes his head in clear amusement.

"You have a good nose there." He lifts the animal up, turns it towards me, and shows me the jewels. "These are Rokonai Paganis Olorods, or the Darkness-Eating Crystals, or, if you want to put it even more simply, Jurikons, a rare jewel, but I think you already know that?"

I feel like a small child found with my hand in the cookie jar at night. I smile sheepishly but nod anyway. Palladium quickly jumps back into action, resting his elbows on the table and looking questioningly.

“That’s not the real reason you're here, is it?”

"No," I shake my head. "I suffered from a sleeping sickness, but I could never figure out why until those two crystals woke me up," I tell him, my smile from earlier gone. "I just wanted someone who knows what they're talking about to agree with me because now I can say with conviction that the Specialist's Academy is full of miasma."

Palladium laughs heartily; it almost seems as if he is about to fall off his chair. Perhaps he thinks it is a weird joke, not only that, but the funniest ever told.

"Professor, please take this seriously," I tell him sternly, but he still doesn't quite believe me. "It's not the first time I've come into contact with miasma, but it's the first time I've almost died because of it."

"Are you serious?" Palladium's horrified face would be priceless under any other circumstances. He must have seen the seriousness in my face because he quickly changed his demeanor. Sitting upright, he looks at me. "Miasma is a big umbrella term for many magical situations; we need to find out what kind of miasma it is first to—"

"Twisted chaos, Miasma," I quickly interrupt his rambling. The professor looks at me in shock and seems at a loss for words. "I'm sorry, Professor, my family is at war with a race of lizard people invading our planet through a twisted chaos portal."

"Okay," Palladium trails off. 

I can see how much he is struggling with this information. I know it's hard to believe. It's supposed to be impossible to enter this dimension, even through portals like these, since we are under the protection of the Fairy Empress and Emperor, beings more powerful than even the Leviathans. But somehow, these lizards could break through.

"The war has been happening intermittently for longer than I have been alive, but the mana on my homeworld is so pure and protected by a guardian fairy that the chaos miasma doesn't have much effect there. But here?"

“Since Magix no longer has a magical protector, it is easier to be influenced by this miasma,” Palladium finally finishes my conclusion.

"Correct, and whoever started this did it in the place with the least magical protection on this entire planet, the Red Fountain Academy, once known as the Wyvern Riding School, but now nothing more than a training facility for specialists," I explain further so even my friends can understand. "And while Saladin seems to be a powerful mage, he is too old."

The professor looks me up and down; I can clearly see distrust reflecting in his eyes, but not towards me.

“Who is planning all this, you know that, don’t you?” he asks sternly.

I look around to ensure no one is around except those I trust the most. I beckon Brandon closer, take his hand, and gently stroke the back of his palm.

"The Black Hand," I finally admit; it hurt to pass it over my tongue. Once a day should be enough, but twice? It feels like blades are cutting deep into me. I sense Brandon's discomfort, his hand stiffening and his breathing erratic. Most shockingly, however, when I maintain eye contact with Professor Palladium, I see nothing but confusion on his face: he seems to have no idea who they are. He's old, probably older than this entire dimension, but somehow, he's never met or heard of them.

"They are an assassination group from ancient times that should have been eradicated long ago, but their existence was reconfirmed when they tried to kill me when I was a child." Even after this explanation, he doesn't seem convinced. I take a deep breath and prepare to reveal a well-kept secret. "They were involved in the extinguishing of Domino's eternal flame."

It became eerily quiet. I'm afraid I didn't say a word, and it was all just in my head until a chair scrapes hard across the floor, followed by a loud sound of wood crashing to the floor. Palladium's eyes are crazy. Very few people remember Domino these days, and even fewer know what happened to it. Although the "Black Hand" was involved, they were not the main culprits, just the ones who weakened the defenses so the real culprits could overwhelm the planet's protectors.

"How do you know that name?"

Daniel has come between Palladium and me because he seems completely out of control.

"It's a state secret," I tell him with conviction. But his crazy look doesn't disappear. Instead, a hint of understanding appears in them.

"Can you use his powers?"

Professor Palladium has a knack for asking questions that baffle me. Of course, he knows about it. He was probably there when the Leviathan War took place. He may even be older, making him almost as old as our Empress and Emperor.

Clearing my throat, I try to ignore it, but I sigh when I feel Palladium's magic acting out.

"Yes," I murmur quietly. "Partly, anyway. It's a long story, but I'm sure you've noticed. I do everything I can to never touch a book." As I let my words sink in, Palladium strangely calms down again. "Because magic is everywhere, every time I touch a book, I wander through the story it tells, from spells, who and how they were created, to when, who, and where potion ingredients were found, which is how I know there were dwarves at one point in time."

Palladium walks over to his chair, picks it up again, and sits back down. Smoothing his hair, he ties it into a ponytail. He folds his hands and keeps his eyes down for longer than necessary. When he looks up again, he seems different, almost as if he is ready to be himself and not the silly Potions professor I always thought he was.

"Chaos Miasma can only be cleared by one's body's mana production," Palladium explains calmly. "Usually, if it was this bad already, it would be a death sentence. But since you're a guardian fairy with an aura, magic, and a fairy magic core, you should be able to clear it rather easily in a few days, maybe weeks, but you'll need to be in a place where there's either no or very little natural mana production."

"But how?" I ask him desperately. "Everything, even stone, produces natural mana! Where could I go to do that?"

Palladium clears his throat as he looks deep into my eyes. He shows genuine desperation, almost as deep as my own. It's evident he cares about me even though he doesn't know me. This could be because of the unusual beginning of our acquaintance.

"The deep sea caves of Andros could be a good place," he suggests. "There are corals that absorb all the mana around them."

While I'm not a huge fan of that much water, it may be the only place I can recover and heal from it. But Palladium has opened a box he shouldn't have.

"Kerrass has a Molcussel tree that also has no mana in its root caves because it rises all up to its evergreen leaves," Daniel suddenly jumps in.

Not to be outdone, Vinok steps forward. "Felrenios has a jewel grove surrounded by countless eucalyptus trees, where the jewels absorb all the mana."

I feel a deep warmth, watching their clumsy attempts to get me to choose their home worlds to rest. But one is particularly quiet. When I turn to Callisto, he seems rather reluctant to interfere. So, with amusement, I ask him if there isn't such a place on his planet. But his cheeks suddenly turn deep red. He closes his eyes and exhales rather hesitantly.

"If you want, you can stay in my bedroom," he says quietly, cringing at his own words. "The walls are set with columns of pure white marble, held together with blankier diamond mortar, which, when combined, also absorbs all mana in the area."

Did I understand him correctly? He's joking, right?

Suddenly, Callisto sighs in exasperation. "My grandfather rebuilt our estate after his throne was stolen and made sure that not even our guardian fairy could harm him in his bedroom, and since I am now the Duke, I live in the same bedroom."

“You would do anything to get me into your bed, wouldn't you?” I ask him boastfully.

"You truly have no idea what I would do," Callisto murmurs, staring straight into my eyes, his cheeks still burning. "But in that case... I would gladly sleep in a different room if it would make you more comfortable."

I stand there, stunned, my mouth slightly open. I couldn't believe that he would not only offer himself and his home to me like that but also express his affection right in front of Professor Palladium. I want to agree and see where this takes us, but suddenly, someone else catches my attention. I've seen Brandon try to offer something earlier, but he's been interrupted several times. I turn to him and give him a hand signal to continue.

Brandon nods shyly. "My family lives in Star Valley on Eraklyon," he tells us, visibly embarrassed. But I have no idea what that means. He clears his throat when he sees my obvious confusion, seemingly trying to hide his uncertainty. "There is absolutely no mana."

His words sound so strange that I can't believe him. But Palladium suddenly chimes in and agrees with Brandon, explaining it as one of the "Zero Zones," extremely rare pheromones of magicless centers in the middle of natural, beautiful places.

"A long time ago, a star fell on Eraklyon, leading the population to believe that it was the reason for the magic-free zone, but that is not the case; there was no magic in the area to begin with."

Brandon quickly agrees. "I have to visit my family anyway; I have a few weeks' vacation to help them."

I turn to the others, and although they are clearly disappointed, they agree that it is for the best. Callisto, in particular, seems almost relieved. A strange feeling runs through my body, an uncomfortable mix of emotions. I wonder if he didn't want me to visit his house. Is he afraid that I won't want him around after this?

Unable to keep to myself, I dive into him and clasp our hands in front of everyone. His blush returns, but his gaze has softened. Without hesitation or breaking eye contact, he raises our hands. With a certain provocation in his shining eyes, he gives me an intimate kiss on the back of my hand.

I start to blush and try to look away, but I can't. Luckily, Palladium breaks the tension, telling us to get going. Otherwise, I wouldn't have much time left.

I silently thank him, but he just shakes his head, hands me my little plushie animal friend, and leads us out. No one seems to have gotten up in the classroom, but somehow I feel uncomfortable there. But I shake it off, believing I just imagined it.

[Masterlist]

[archivalofsins]

There are a lot of things within Milgram that will look a lot different in hindsight. There are going to be a lot of people who may not have been there in the moment that will go why did the audience vote this way instead of that way etc.

How could none of them tell these people were bad?

The knee-jerk reaction of a lot of people who were there may be to get defensive and go well it was different in the moment. It was stressful and we were literally working against the clock. We only had three months. Plus, at times the day one verdicts for the prisoners were so decisive that most of those three months were spent getting them down from where they were at.

But like hear me out- Fuck that.

Yeah, I mean that. Fuck that shit. No one needs to explain the process to anyone else that comes trial three or after it. Milgram is a once in a lifetime media experience meant to be lived in the moment and looked at an entirely new way after that moment has ended.

Once hindsight finally sinks in fully that feeling of what one thought they knew conflicting with what they now know. Well that feeling is everything in a series like Milgram. A series where the characters relish in their lies, the swinging impressions and interpretations, revel in the idea of changing Es' and by proxy the audience's opinions on them.

They're throwing shit at the wall and seeing what sticks just as much as the audience is.

I think it's important to look back reasonably and say to ourselves man that was something. That was intense. It was a moment that felt like an eternity. It was a race we either won or lost.

That's Milgram.

I think it's important to appreciate those trials for what they were and what they gave. So we can better appreciate and understand what they've led to. To make it a little easier for us all to let hindsight in regardless of how stupid it makes us all feel or how heavily it may bruise our egos in order to reckon with the new moments we have ahead of us.

I think the most interesting thing to occur over the course of trial two were the prisoners responses to Haruka. Be it his situation or the news of his plan. Because looking back on it in hindsight... It's incredibly heart wrenching isn't it?

The audience slowly watched Haruka go through someone trying to put himself out there again albeit awkwardly and not that much to isolating himself in his room for days on end. Tearing himself up inside over what he felt he needed to do to protect the one person who ever looked at him in the way he wanted. The one person who had ever loved him in the way he wanted to be loved for better or worse.

His closest person.

So, close and so idyllic, in fact, he said she was his mother. Because she fit what he'd always wanted from a parent. Care, attention, being present. Picking out clothes for him to wear, showing him new ways to style his hair, telling him better ways to communicate with others. The proper way to communicate with others.

"Then what should have I done instead?! Tell me! Tell me, so even I can understand!"/ "It's not like I asked him to do that!"

Q.07 You just got given one million yen and need to use it up as quickly as possible, what will you do?

Haruka: I don’t know so please do it for me. I’ll give it to you.

Mu's Second Voice Drama Queen B

"It's not like I asked him to do that?"

I see. So, that's how it is, huh. You don't say anything; just because you're present, the wishes of those around you evolve to benefit you- Oh, so that's it. Like a born queen. No, it's as if you're influencing your surroundings not with words, but with pheromones.

"My sorry spells must be wearing off."

Mu: Mm... Mu's scared what if the warden changes his verdict and then terrible things happen to me.

Haruka: What no warden-san isn't like that.

Mu: But what if what they see next makes them realize Mu is a bad girl and they end up hating me...

"Hey, what if- If I am a bad girl. Don’t hate me."

Haruka: Don't worry I'll protect you- I'll talk to the warden for the both of us. They already forgave us once they wouldn't suddenly change their mind entirely-

Haruka Voice Drama Two Metamorphosis of the Weak

7:39 "Even though you said you forgive me..." You were told upfront that this is a three-trial system. "Why are you bullying me like this?" I'm not bullying you. I'm simply trying to figure out whether I should forgive you or not- and by extension whether your actions were wrong or not. "There's no way it was wrong! If I hadn't done it, nobody would have looked at me!" You killed to gain attention? The you who was never loved by anyone? "That's right! Because if I just remained a good-for-nothing, nobody would ever care about me!" Just because of that, someone- "Aren't I the only unfortunate person here?! Because I'm the only one who could never do anything right since I was born, because I could never do the same things as everyone around me, my mother gave up on me and I stopped existing in her world!"

It is so funny to read that last part again then look at Kazui in Cat going-

"I can’t stop, I can’t be normal."

And his second voice drama is just him lamenting the same thing. Like Yamanaka lowkey put some comedy in here that can only be appreciated in hindsight.

Haruka

"Why am I like this?! why does it hurt so much to just exist- I'm so sorry I had you waste your life on someone like me."

"Why was I born like this? Why does it hurt so much?"

Kazui a few trials down-

"Why am I fucking like this? Why can't I just be normal? Why do I have to let my cowardice dictate every social maneuver I make and every word I say? Just gotta keep lying it'll work out eventually! After all it's easier to be a let down than get let down! Can I get a witness bring the band in! Let's get swinging-"

"Lie, until it gets better, follow the king of the masquerade. Lick that sin and oppose punishment, until you can meet the king of the masquerade."

Sorry, I'm digressing Kazui was threatening to derail this post harder than Haruka derailed the collaboration art one. Not this time old man. Ahn one more before we hit the road-

"I can’t stop, I can’t stop- Am I still INNOCENT?"/ "I can’t stop, I can’t be normal."

Got damn it another one courtesy of Star,

"I wanted to be a pitied and loved weakling."/"I wanted to be loved, just like a cat."

Okay, now get out of here old man this is about the young man!

Mu was someone so important to Haruka that even after everything Es said to rile up and upset Haruka in his second voice drama he decided to try to be on his best behavior for her sake,

9:26s

"Haa... I'm sorry, warden-san. For causing you trouble." ... "My mother was Muu-san all along." Huh? "Muu-san is my mother." I don't think that's right. "It is, though." Is that really something you can deny... "Muu-san praises me. The useless me... She praises me, acknowledges me, looks at me, and she needs me. My current self only exists thanks to Muu-san." You did say you had two benefactors. So the other one was Muu, huh? "That's right. As long as Muu-san is here, I feel like there's a meaning to me coming to Milgram." ... "I've met my real mother. So, I'm happy. I'm sorry for causing problems earlier. I need to be a good boy- For Muu-san's sake as well."

10:52s

"U-um, I'm sorry, kind of..." Suddenly acting all well-mannered...! Is there something else you want to say? "U-uh something I want to say... Something I want to say..."

I'd appreciate if people could listen to the way Haruka speaks here the stammer and hesitance in his speaking. How when Es prompts him to say whatever he wanted to to say he says something I want to say, something I want to say. Voice cracking almost as though he knows what he should be saying but doesn't want to.

The voice direction on this line says a lot more in hindsight than it did back when this came out, huh?

11:08s

If there's nothing, that's fine. "...No, there is something..." What is it?

"Warden-san, Muu-san is afraid of Milgram."

"Please don't scare Muu-san anymore."

11:21s

You're worrying about a stranger in a situation like this? "Yes. Please forgive Muu-san next time as well." You sure are asking something of me here. Viewing Muu as your mother is great and all, but she might only be kind to you in order to use you, you know. "So, what?" ... "So, what if she's using me. Isn't it a good thing to be used? For someone to think of me as worthy enough to use me... isn't that something to be happy about?" Haruka...you... "If you don't forgive Muu-san, I'm going to kill you." You really have no learning ability whatsoever. You can't kill me. "Ah, right... Then... I'll kill myself instead." You...! "Was that against the rules too?" Not as far as I remember! "Hehe, hahahaha! See! I'm not an idiot, right?"

So, for whose sake was this again?

23/02/19

Haruka: Guard, can you hear me? You can, can’t you?

Haruka: I meant what I said in the interrogation. ……please forgive Mu-san.

23/04/07

Haruka: Please forgive Mu-san. Please forgive Mu-san. Please forgive Mu-san. Please forgive Mu-san. Please forgive Mu-san. Please forgive Mu-san. Please forgive Mu-san. Please forgive Mu-san. Please forgive Mu-san. Please forgive Mu-san. Please forgive Mu-san. PleaseforgiveMu-sanpleaseforgiveMu-sanpleaseforgiveMu-sanpleaseforgiveMu-sanpleaseforgiveMu-sanpleaseforgiveMu-san

"Don’t wipe me out, don’t wipe me out- I just want to be your good boy."/ "If you want to betray from jealousy- You know what’s gonna happen ON YOU."

"I need to be a good boy- For Muu-san."

23/06/22 (Haruka’s Birthday)

Mu: Haruka-kun, I brought your food. Are you still alive? Has any mould started growing?

Haruka: ……ah, thank you very much. Mu-san. Sorry, um…… I……

Mu: You shouldn’t just lock yourself in your room all day. You have to eat your food properly. Hm, well…… I do understand why you’re feeling down. It feels bad. The atmosphere recently

Haruka: Um, I’m totally fine…… Just a bit, I’m thinking, about how to do it. What to do, what to do, to…… fulfil my promise. For Mu-san’s sake……

Yet, when Es asked her why she wasn't trying dissuade him from possibly harming himself even though they were friends. Even though she was the closest to him.

Even though she influenced how he dressed,

How he conducted himself while speaking,

21/09/02  (Yuno’s Birthday)

Haruka: Y-Yuno-san. Good morning! T-today’s your birthday, right……? Ha-happy birthday……!!

Yuno: Oooh…… Thanks? You’ve definitely changed a bit huh, Haruka. You speak a little louder now, and actually look people in the eyes when you talk.

Haruka: Eh, ah, i-is that so…… I wasn’t, aware of it myself, but…… Heh, hehe. Is that so.

Yuno: Ding ding! My sensor is telling me…… this is probably a girl’s influence. Well, everyone here is slowly changing, I guess. Even me.

"Hey..why don't you listen to me...? I'm telling you... Hey...HEY, I'M TALKING TO YOU!"

22/06/22 (Haruka’s Birthday)

Mu: What’s wrong, Haruka-kun? Did something happen? You shouldn’t look away like that when you’re together with me.

Haruka: Ah, s-sorry, Mu-san. Um…… No, it’s nothing. I just, suddenly got a feeling. That something is about to happen.

Mu: Isn’t that because it’s your birthday? Or perhaps it’s a sign the guard is about to wake up again soon? Fufufu, I bet they’ll be really surprised at a lot of things.

Haruka: That, might be true. But, I want the the guard to see. ……the new, me…….

And even his behavior while she wasn't even in the same room as him,

"I've met my real mother. So, I'm happy. I'm sorry for causing problems earlier. I need to be a good boy- For Muu-san's sake as well."

"Then what should have I done instead?! Tell me! Tell me, so even I can understand!"/ "That's right! Because if I just remained a good-for-nothing, nobody would ever care about me!"

Haruka's Second Voice Drama Metamorphosis of the Weak 8:15s

Just because of that, someone-

"Aren't I the only unfortunate person here?! Because I'm the only one who could never do anything since I was born. Because I could never do the same things as everyone around me- My mother gave up on me and I stopped existing in her world."

"The things that aren’t here, and the unneeded things- Is it still living somewhere?"

Haruka's Second Voice Drama Metamorphosis of the Weak 8:30s

And you believe that killing someone because of that was the right thing to do?

"I don't know! Then what should have I done, in your opinion?! Even after stealing things important to her, my mother still wouldn't show any interest in me! Then what do you think I should have done?!"

Despite all those things and Haruka's clear desire for guidance when asked why she wasn't dissuading him from his plan Mu just went why and how could I. It's not like I told him to do that, it was his choice and as his friend I should support him.

Because that's what friends do they support each other.

"Are you planning to tell me 'that's not what friendship is'? Then what is it? It's about sticking together because it's beneficial to everyone involved isn't it?"

So, why would I try to stop him. Guard is it just that you haven't had many friends.

She said all that right after leveraging his life for her own benefit within her second voice drama. She tried to build distance between herself and Haruka's behavior all while stating.

"Ah-but if you don't forgive me Haruka-kun will die. So, I think it'd be best not to do that."

Because that's just the sort of person Mu is. She wants all the benefits from an action and none of the responsibility. It doesn't matter if people are just doing things because they wanted to help her. Because she instigated or implied. She didn't ask and they were always free not to get involved.

They didn't need to pity her or try to help.

They could have just not listened. It's not Mu's fault they did. She's always been a drama queen after all. If they want to twist it to make her look like the villain then-

"If you’re going to make me the villain- It’s ok to ignore me."/"Hey..why don't you listen to me…? I'm telling you… Hey…HEY, I'M TALKING TO YOU!"

In hindsight it really appears as though Mu just said all that to preemptively say well whatever happens to him isn't Mu's fault.

Haruka's actions and choices are his own as his friend she should support him but it's not as though what he does is Mu's responsibility. Besides guard you could just vote me innocent and that won't happen. You could just vote everyone innocent you know. Isn't Mu so smart and helpful.

Please don't recognize that as the person closest to him I could just tell him I want him alive more than I want to be innocent. If you did that I would look really bad but luckily no one is going to- Hey, hey stop that what are you no- NO!

This is all Kotoko's fault.

24/07/05 (Mu’s Birthday)

Mu: You know, I think this is all your fault really. Everyone’s on edge because you lashed out. And because of that, nobody’s paying attention to me any more. It’s kinda boring. I don’t get it.

Kotoko: ……you went out of your way to say that to my face? Aren’t you scared of me? The next target of my fangs might be you.

Mu: Why? Kotoko-san, aren’t you punishing the bad guys? I didn’t do anything wrong. And anyway, fufu, you’re talking like you’re fine too. Aren’t you gonna be not forgiven too this time? What will you do then? Start biting yourself? Fufu, that’s hilarious. I want to watch.

Kotoko: ……you’re good at provoking people. I’ll pray that you won’t be forgiven this time. When that time comes, I’ll be sure to crush you.

Yeah, it's definitely not that a good majority of people who listened to the Queen B voice drama heard how callous and inconsiderate she was in regards to Haruka's well being. Then went,

"Well if this is how you think friends are supposed to be towards each other no wonder your life is like this."

Or saw her behavior in It's Not My Fault and aptly came to the same conclusion as those who watched the voice drama then voted solely off that.

It's not like anyone thought if she didn't care if he lived or died than why should any of them? She's the closest person to him and has lived with him in person for years and wasn't even batting an eye at his plan. So, why should the audience or Es be phased by it.

Like she said none of us told him to do that. That has nothing to do with us. He made that decision all on his own and could renege on it if he so chose to. Mu didn't come in her second voice drama going,

"Guard I'm really scared Haruka may hurt himself please just vote me innocent to stop him."

No she came in there and said that him telling her his plan made her happy and really feel their friendship. Then proceeded to say that was Haruka's choice, it's not like she asked him to do it, he has his own free will. It seems like the audience just agreed a little too hard and went you're right Mu that was his decision.

He didn't need to threaten himself like that. Why did Haruka put himself in this situation? Well we'll never know. So, guess it has nothing to do with you or us. Since that's the case we won't take that into consideration when it comes to your verdict.

"Oh before I forget, about Haruka Sakurai......are you sure about that “guilty” verdict? Weren’t you offered some sort of deal? I mean, not that I care. I guess that means you thought the same."

It simply doesn't matter we didn't force him to do that but he is trying to force us to vote you innocent through saying he'll do that. Something that many people may just take issue with in and of itself. Who am I to say I'm not every voter in Milgram.

Though, a good part of it could have been pushing Haruka out of a 50/50 several times and then into guilty. Like you said it's Haruka's decision that has very little to do with us. Again, it's not like we told him to do that either. I mean Mu didn't do anything to stop him right it's just like you said Mu,

"We are just the same."

"Don’t you think it’s wonderful to control them with my gentle sting."

No one made him do that. It's not the audiences fault or Mu's. He decided to make that promise and follow through on it of his own free will so sad too bad.

Mu's Second Voice Drama Queen B

12:28s I sure have understood that talking to you isn't getting me anywhere. But I guess I'll take your little explanation into consideration. "Ah- but if you don't forgive me Haruka-kun will die. So, I'd think it'd be best not to do that." ...! [Bell tolls] So you've heard about that no sense, too? "Mhm! Haruka-kun told me! So I could rest easy according to him. That made me happy. It made me really feel our friendship!" You know about it, and you're not trying to stop him? Haruka, that is? "Why would I? Haruka-kun says that's what he wants. So, there's nothing I can do, right?" But you're calling him your friend. "Isn't it exactly because he's my friend? Isn't friendship about letting your friends do the stuff they want?" ... "Are you planning to tell me 'that's not what friendship is'? Then, what is it? It's about sticking together because it's beneficial to everyone involved, isn't it?" I don't think Haruka is benefitting from that at all. "No way... It's not like you know what's good for him." ... You sure are tough to beat. "I really don't get what it is you're trying to say, Warden-san. Haruka-kun is free to decide what he wants, and I'm not doing anything wrong. It's not like I asked him to do that!

Given what transpired over the course of the intermission and all this I'd have to say Es was right with their assessment on how beneficial Mu's friendship was for Haruka. Because honestly with friends like these who needs enemies? He tells her he's going to kill himself and her first thing is it's alright because that's what you wanted to do and it will benefit me too! You're such a good friend Haruka that makes Mu so happy.

That made me happy... It made me really feel our friendship!

Even though Haruka said from the beginning of trial two he was doing well in Milgram.

22/10/06 (Mikoto’s Birthday)

Haruka: Mikoto-san. Um, are you ok……? Mikoto: Ah, Haru-kun. It’s been a while since we last talked, huh. Yeah, I’m fine. Are you doing ok……? Haruka: Ah, I’m fine. I’ve been enjoying myself, a lot. Um, I’m sorry, for avoiding you. I was a bit scared. Of you, honestly…… Mikoto: Ahhh, yeah. I’ve been lashing out whenever I go to sleep, right? ……it’s fine. Even I think you’re right to be scared. You know, I kinda just hate that I don’t even know what’s going on myself……haha. Ah, but despite all that you still came and talked to me because it’s my birthday, right? Thank you, you’ve grown into a good man.

He'd been enjoying himself a lot- So much so he never wanted to leave,

Q.03 Do you want to leave Milgram?

Haruka: I want to stay here forever.

He was even beginning to like himself,

Q.01  Do you love yourself?

Haruka: I think I like myself now.

He was happy in Milgram he even went as far to purport that if he was in Milgram from the start then he probably wouldn't have even wound up doing what he did.

Q.10 If you could turn back time, would you commit the same “murder”?

Haruka: I don’t know. If I was in Milgram I probably wouldn’t.

Hell, in his second trial written interrogation he flat out said he didn't want to die.

Q.17 How old do you want to live to be?

Haruka: I never thought about it. I don’t want to die.

But yeah no one else had any input when it came to this plan at all. Despite the fact that up until the end Haruka continually said he wasn't doing this for himself he was doing it for Mu's sake to protect her.

23/12/15 (Kotoko’s Birthday)

Haruka: ……please, don’t tell anyone. And also, please, don’t get involved. All I can do, is ask, you……

Kotoko: ––Fufu, fufufufufu. That’s a crazy thing to be thinking. Honestly, it’s weird. But I don’t hate it. If only all the wrongdoers were like you.

Haruka: No…… that’s wrong…… That’s not, why I’m doing, this……This, isn’t for me…… I have to protect…… so, Kotoko-san…… please……

Kotoko: Eh? Ah, yeah, yeah. Well, I promise I won’t get in your way. Honestly, if I could, I’d love to do it myself, but I’ll step back this time. As for what happens next…… I wonder. It depends on Es.

Not to repent for any of his behavior, not because he felt ashamed, or unhappy at his new verdict all for Mu.

23/06/22 (Haruka’s Birthday)

Mu: Haruka-kun, I brought your food. Are you still alive? Has any mould started growing?

Haruka: ……ah, thank you very much. Mu-san. Sorry, um…… I……

Mu: You shouldn’t just lock yourself in your room all day. You have to eat your food properly. Hm, well…… I do understand why you’re feeling down. It feels bad. The atmosphere recently

Haruka: Um, I’m totally fine…… Just a bit, I’m thinking, about how to do it. What to do, what to do, to…… fulfil my promise. For Mu-san’s sake……

"So, what if she's using me. Isn't it a good thing to be used? For someone to think of me as worthy enough to use me… isn't that something to be happy about?"

He couldn't have made it clearer that he wasn't doing this because he wanted to. He was doing it because he had to.

24/04/19 (Futa’s Birthday)

Futa: ––Hey, are you really ok with this? If you come with me, there’s a chance you can be saved too…… Haruka.

Haruka: Yeah…… I’ve made my mind up. I have, something, that I have to do.

Futa: Ah, is that right…… Haruka, you know, you’re an idiot. There’s no way…… that will save you……

Haruka: Yeah, thank you. I’m glad you came to talk to me, Futa. Um, thank you, for being so kind. Really. But, I’m sorry. This is all I’m able to do……

Literally the last time we see him he said it was something that he had to do. Literally to the one person who tried to dissuade him from doing it. Mu did nothing to try to stop him and Kotoko laughed like Christmas had come early. Kotoko's only complaint was she wanted to do it herself.

"Honestly, if I could, I’d love to do it myself."

Kotoko: Killing yourself all alone on a Friday night why not let me help with that.

Haruka: Na-no I'm alright please don't intervene.

The fact he told Kotoko not to intervene in hindsight could have been him looking for an out. Since he straight up asks Es if harming himself is against the rules of Milgram than goes and tells who is Es' helper his plan like don't interfere.

Like maybe she'd interfere because death isn't apart of Milgram's punishments and it'd be cheating my way out. Kotoko who openly wants everyone here besides her fucking dead just went,

Kotoko: Fufufu ha, ha rip evildoer would love to do it myself but I'll hold off. Really appreciating that you know how to take the trash out at least- I wish more criminals were like you. Can't wait to see this shit. Know what's almost as good as me getting to kill you myself- You being dead!

"“UNDER” Doltish “001 Parasite”."/ "So ridiculous, isn’t it ridiculous- They’re still here, still here, it grates me."

As Haruka stood there like,

Haruka: . . .

Why would she have done anything other than laugh. In hindsight this is the best birthday gift she could have gotten.

Mu on the other hand isn't Kotoko. She's someone that calls herself Haruka's friend. She's someone who continually presented herself as being useful through taking care of him by bringing him food to his room every day. Quelling the concerns of anyone who goes to ask about him by assuring them he's fine and she's taking such good care of him.

Yet she just straight up says him committing to doing that all for her really made her feel their friendship.

The cats not even in the bag she literally said the quiet part out loud when all this was going down. Before going if that's really what he wants to do who is she as his friend to stop him. Instead she should support him and his choices because that's what friends are for.

Then she did just what she said she would as his friend.

She supported him, brought him food, and made sure he had time to think over how to do it while giving telling everyone that asked not to worry Mu's taking care of him. Knowing full and well what he was planning and working on figuring out how to do the entire time. Because again he told her about it before it was even put into motion.

She constantly checked in and continued to instigate a scenario where she was one of the only people he saw or a daily basis.

All while saying shit like,

"Are you still alive? Has any mould started growing?"

23/06/22 (Haruka’s Birthday)

Mu: Haruka-kun, I brought your food. Are you still alive? Has any mould started growing?

Haruka: ……ah, thank you very much. Mu-san. Sorry, um…… I……

Mu: You shouldn’t just lock yourself in your room all day. You have to eat your food properly. Hm, well…… I do understand why you’re feeling down. It feels bad. The atmosphere recently.

Haruka: Um, I’m totally fine…… Just a bit, I’m thinking, about how to do it. What to do, what to do, to…… fulfill my promise. For Mu-san’s sake……

Haruka are you still alive in there- Have you begun growing mould. You're not going to betray Mu too. Do you not care enough about Mu to keep your word now is that it? But if you don't the guard will just do worse and worse things to me. The atmosphere is already so bad too... What you do care about Mu? Well if you care prove it.

Doesn't sound like that impossible of a stretch for the girl who's first song has a chalkboard with drawings goading her victim to either kill herself or be murdered, and is shown to have placed flowers on her victim's desk to basically tell her to kill herself.

Which we know the desk with the flowers on it is her victims seat because we see Mu sitting in hers in After Pain. As well as her victim after being bullied in the classroom later with the same flowers still placed on the desk.

So it wouldn't be the first time she was implied to be attempting to goad someone into killing themselves. Or even the first time she was implied to be successful either.

At no point is she shown making one attempt to dissuade him from doing this. Not even a,

"No, don't worry about that now. The atmosphere has been bad recently right let's try to cheer up together."

Or a,

"No, I understand you're doing this for Mu's sake but honestly I'd rather you not."

Just a well don't lock yourself in your room all day you have to eat even if you are planning to end it all come on now. You can't plan on an empty stomach..

Her presence had more than likely been a constant reminder of the promise he made regardless of if he didn't want to follow through or not. Making it so he became more and more focused on how to keep his word to her instead of any other possibility. Small aside the funny thing about Mu's karaoke collaboration art is the butterfly imagery.

Something shown to be a tie between her and Haruka.

I say this is funny because butterflies are heavily associated with causality. Particularly in relation to chaos theory. Such as how the smallest act like a butterfly flapping it wings can lead to catastrophe. Mu was that butterfly for Haruka. She came gently flapping in showing interest in someone who she recognized was vulnerable and took advantage of them under the pretense of being friends.

21/06/22 (Haruka’s Birthday)

Mu: Haruka-kun, are you awake……? Happy birthday.

Haruka: M-Mu-san? I… I-I’m awake…… Th-thank you, very much. I’m… glad……

Mu: ………… Shall we talk? You know, recently I’ve been pretty interested in you.

Haruka: ……!! I-in me…? Hehe, hehehe…… interested, in me.

Like she did to many of her so-called friends before him,

Q.18 Do you regret anything?

Mu: I think maybe I should have chosen my friends a bit more carefully.

All the other prisoners left Haruka in her care because they thought like the audience did in regards to Mahiru and Shidou that Mu was Haruka's friend. That she like the audience or more than the audience would want him to be okay. She would want to get out of this together with him and see him succeed even if that made her time a little more difficult. They thought that she would want him to keep living that if something was wrong she would tell them because she cared.

That Mu would do the the right thing because she said she was doing it, she said that's what they were, and they took her at her word

23/07/05 (Mu’s Birthday)

Futa: Oi, you. Is he ok? He’s not even left his room lately.

Mu: You mean Haruka-kun? Hmm. Yeah, probably. I’ve been bringing all his meals to him so he should be fine. Isn’t that great of me?

Futa: Hah? Who the hell says that sort of thing about themself. ……ah, no, well, right now I understand a bit. When you’re feeling down, it’s nice to have someone who relies on you and accepts you. The rest of us can’t really understand you from where we’re standing. But well, if you’re Haruka’s “salvation” then I guess it really is great.

Mu: Salvation……? I don’t know what you mean. Futa-kun, you don’t sound like yourself. Did you hit your head or something? Oh, wait, you actually did, didn’t you. Ahaha. Ah, putting that aside though, did you know it’s my birthday today?

24/06/22 (Haruka’s Birthday)

Shidou: ……I’m worried about Sakurai-kun. I haven’t seen him around in a while. You’ve been talking with him, right?

Mu: He’s fine. Here, look. I’ve been taking his food to him like this every day. Isn’t that great of me?

Shidou: Yes, very. I’m sorry I’ve been leaving it to you to look after him. Usually, that would be the job of us adults, and yet we’re leaving you with the burden.

Mu: Don’t worry about it. After all, me and Haruka-kun are friends.

"Are you planning to tell me 'that's not what friendship is'? Then what is it? It's about sticking together because it's beneficial to everyone involved isn't it?"

And they wound up paying for it.

The fact is that Mu knew he was suicidal just as much as Es did and for just as long as Es did. She decided not tell anyone else or try to stop him. In fact, she assured everyone else he was fine. Sure, he wasn't going out much, but he's fine-

"See look Mu is taking food to him right now. Look at this nice plate she made for him. Isn't Mu a great girl, isn't Mu helping, isn't Mu useful, isn't Mu indispensable. "

Okay, but we like all asked about Haruka. We all asked how he was, and you consistently assured us he was fine.

The first person outside of Mu amongst the prisoners to find out about Haruka's plan was Kotoko. And, well, we all saw how that went. He told her that he was going to cause harm to himself and she laughed in his face. She was delighted at the information the only downside was since he was taking himself out she couldn't do it. If only more criminals were like him though that'd be good.

After that no one else even cared enough to check in on him outside of Futa repeatedly, and Shidou once probably long after Haruka had already done it. You know who was there long before anyone else, who he viewed as a mother, someone who could have given him alternatives, told him what to do, and he would have listened to. Someone who could have done all that as his friend and just as a person who cared about his mental and physical wellbeing. Or just as a person who didn't want to watch someone die right in front of them if they could help it. In the ways she pretended to care in front of the others she lives with?

Mu.

Why the fuck would Kotoko care? It makes sense for her to find it funny, laugh, and do nothing to stop whatever plan Haruka may have had.

23/12/15 (Kotoko’s Birthday)

Haruka: ……please, don’t tell anyone. And also, please, don’t get involved. All I can do, is ask, you……

Kotoko: ––Fufu, fufufufufu. That’s a crazy thing to be thinking. Honestly, it’s weird. But I don’t hate it. If only all the wrongdoers were like you.

Haruka: No…… that’s wrong…… That’s not, why I’m doing, this…… This, isn’t for me…… I have to protect…… so, Kotoko-san…… please……

Kotoko: Eh? Ah, yeah, yeah. Well, I promise I won’t get in your way. Honestly, if I could, I’d love to do it myself, but I’ll step back this time. As for what happens next…… I wonder. It depends on Es.

She's Kotoko! Again- Her entire second song is going I fucking hate all these other people being here. Come on?

"They're still here, still here, it grates me."

And her first one has this in it,

"The normalcy sought for, fading away- Every time death comes the soul moves forward."/ "Laugh and I can get to like myself.'

"––Fufu, fufufufufu. That’s a crazy thing to be thinking. Honestly, it’s weird. But I don’t hate it. If only all the wrongdoers were like you."

At that point, by some sick form of coincidence, he's doing her a favor too without even recognizing it. Like she has no solid character motivation to give a fuck or lift a finger to stop him and every character motivation not to. She is the worst person he could have told about this. She's is popping the biggest bottles in her cell after this conversation.

But you know who has it the roughest? Futa. Not only had he been going out of his way to check on Haruka. If the last time we saw Haruka is also the day he died then Haruka just killed himself straight up on Futa's fucking birthday.

And the last conversation Futa had with him after being concerned and trusting in Mu was him begging the guy in frustration to do anything else.

24/04/19 (Futa’s Birthday)

Futa: ––Hey, are you really ok with this? If you come with me, there’s a chance you can be saved too…… Haruka.

Haruka: Yeah…… I’ve made my mind up. I have, something, that I have to do.

Futa: Ah, is that right…… Haruka, you know, you’re an idiot. There’s no way…… that will save you……

Haruka: Yeah, thank you. I’m glad you came to talk to me, Futa. Um, thank you, for being so kind. Really. But, I’m sorry. This is all I’m able to do……

He got past Mu, came into Haruka's room, probably saw what Haruka had come up with to do it and then literally went you can just come with me, you can be saved too. You don't have to do this there are options I'm listing them- He starts this giving alternatives. He's trying and it becomes clearer and clearer Haruka just isn't going to listen to him.

There's nothing he can say. He can't do anything either.

He can't restrain Haruka. Like many thought he'd be restrained after his second trial Guilty verdict. Stating that if we just voted Haruka Guilty he'd be restrained, unable to harm himself, and then we'd be able to vote Mu however we wanted with that threat no longer above our heads. Because he'd be restrained he wouldn't be able to harm himself.

Futa couldn't just tie Haruka's restraints around him all by himself and lock him in his cell until the guard woke up. Like Es Futa is smaller than Haruka while not being protected by the same measures Es is. So, he wasn't gonna throw hands with him and win that's for sure.

5'4 Futa was not winning a fight against I can kill anything smaller than me 5'7 Haruka. Yet he tried and what can you really say when you go in and check on someone you've been living with for years after months of attempting to while being told they're fine by the person closest to them who you believed then you see the state they're in and hear the plan they have to end themselves.

In the moment we didn't know what Haruka was going to do.

We don't have a tone when it comes to the timelines. But now in hindsight how gut wrenching this must have been. How upset he must have sounded. How defeated his name calling must have sounded to Haruka.

This is the difference in tone between The Last Goodbye and Space Was So Cool with hindsight. If you now ya know.

This is the sort of angst one can only feel in hindsight. It is ridiculous how hard this timeline goes now. No one can imagine being in the situation Futa was fucking in here. Seeing someone you know unraveled to the extent Haruka was where he could see no other option forward but this.

To know that whatever you say won't be heard to know that you don't even have the power to stop them.

How defeated and useless he must have felt. How absolutely helpless he must have felt during this. Standing there knowing if he could just get him out of this room, if he could just convince him to go somewhere else for even a second things could have been different now. Wondering all at once what if I came in here back then instead of just asking Mu about him, what if I stepped in earlier, what if I checked in more would I have been able to stop this.

To recognize how unhelpful what Haruka was choosing to do was for him. How it was a disservice to Haruka's very own personhood. How this wouldn't save him. All while having no power to convince him not to do it. Nobody understands how heartbreaking that could have been for him. After getting to know this dude and living with him for several years. After saying he didn't have the luxury to care about others and he wasn't a kid anyway then going right back to showing concern because that's how much he actually cared.

Despite us never seeing Haruka do the same thing for him when he was Guilty.

You're telling me no one is seeing how tragic this shit is. No one. This is an angst goldmine. I don't go in the tag so maybe there's a fucking avalanche of angst art on this timeline now. All of Futa pleading with him to just leave just get out of there and try something else be saved another way then devolving into calling him stupid in tears because it's the only recourse he has.

He can't stop him.

He can only say childish insults because how else is he going to know how stupid this all is. Then Haruka's I know and thank you for being so kind after how everyone else responded to Haruka's plan.

IT JUST HITS DIFFERENT NOW OKAY!

It hits different and doesn't deserve to hit this different but it fucking does okay. It just fucking does. Can you imagine the anguish? Because I can. It's ridiculous.

Sure he may not have been broken up about it. Maybe we'll find out later he wasn't and he didn't try to stop him at all. Yet, he's the only one who offered any other alternative. Any out. He was the only one he said not only through his words but actions don't do this.

He may have been leveled about the situation but the range of emotion that can be gleaned from this timeline now. Knowing what we know now- Is amazing! It's impressive. It is a literal playground of emotional depth.

No matter what parts of the story you touch on in hindsight it just gets more compelling.

Like that's nasty (positive connotation here)- Yamanaka was on some shit writing and making this. That's fucked up on his birthday. Futa's birthday?! He has to think about this every birthday now. Just thinking back on the dynamics between all of the characters mentioned here and how they grew over the course of these trials along with the ways they ended.

Haruka going from not even being able to speak to Kotoko to confiding in her.

Futa going from wanting to look out for Haruka and Mikoto to in a way losing both of them. Having to wonder if that concern is still there now after everything with Haruka.

Mu going from barely talking to Haruka to being the person closest to him and a driving force in some of the biggest choices he made. It's all really impressive character work. That will only get easier to appreciate the series progresses and after it ends.

[umi-adxhira]

ᝰ.ᐟ SERENITY | 001

FANDOM: TWTPTFLOB

WARNINGS: Kidnapping, simping (real), harsh handling (gripping chin)

AUTHOR'S NOTES: Can't believe I locked in twice in one day. Amazing. Didi is Dion if that wasn't clear lmao. Also novel spoilers

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Your eyes peel open uncomfortably in an unfamiliar setting. Silky, satin sheets cover your form as the sun kisses, no, burns your face. You turn your face away with your eyes closed, refusing to accept your fate until an unfamiliar voice shocks you.

"Wake up,"

"Five more minutes, mom..." you yawn, covering your face with your arm. Your heart once again hammers in your chest, an uncomfortable yet familiar feeling as you recall yesterday. I don’t know who that person is, but that is not my mother. Seconds go by before the voice speaks again.

"I am not your mother," the voice repeats to you as if it can read your mind. Your eyes open, pulling yourself off the bed, which proved to be a challenge since your arms felt like jelly, wobbling with every movement you took.

Your eyes come face to face with a man. Crimson eyes, like blood. Black hair like the night, with a small tinge of purple in it, makes his hair seem... cute. His arms were behind his back, posture straight like a board and a stare that you kill from miles away. And his face… his face... DIDI???

"Wow…” you let out a breathy laugh, daring to speak to the man who could very well be the barrier between you and the next life. “Who knew I'd see my favourite character in the novel in the flesh? You look young, though... well, younger than when you first appeared in the manhwa. You could be a really good cosplayer. Everything about you’s perfect," you continue to ramble on, confusing the man standing by your bedside. His eyes are locked onto your face. Specifically, the dried tear stains on your cheeks, the ones you don't wipe away. "How old are you?" you suddenly ask, pulling him back into the present.

"..."

"Give me a number, man," the man doesn't say anything more, turning on his heel and starting to leave the room. "How rude,". The door slams shut, leaving you alone in the room. A couple of seconds after his departure, you blink. Once. Twice. Your eyes gloss over the room, taking in the sun creeping in through the curtains, the sheets pooling on your lap, and the sheer size of the room. Then, your mind went back to that handsome stranger. Well, not stranger, but...

Can't believe I saw Didi in the flesh... my handsome villain, ugh. Wait, is he the one who saved me? No, he probably would have just let me die. He doesn’t claim to have the “benevolent heart” the man who saved you has. Also, his voice wasn't the same. “You will pay me back tenfold,” he said. Or something like that. Can’t wait.

There was also someone else on the ground. It sounded like a boy, someone who probably just hit puberty. Jeremy...? I can hear that. It makes sense kinda. If it is him, then this is before the manhwa takes place. Possibly two years, or three?

You plop back onto the bed with a soft thud, arms and legs stretched out in a starfish position. This place isn't real. I have no doubts I'm not dreaming, but... this is all a place someone else made. The worldbuilding CANNOT be this good, there has to be something about this world that I can exploit and live the rest of my days as a rich old lady.

But first, I need to ensure my survival. Two outcomes can potentially occur, and they both depend on one person. Roxana. Well, Jeremy. I don't see a way I can determine which Roxana is in her body. That might take a week, at least, considering I leave this room alive.

No, this all depends on Jeremy. This all depends on how close he is to Roxana. That will probably be the easiest thing to do. If Jeremy isn’t following after her half-sister like a puppy, then this is the worst timeline. If it isn’t then… as long as I don’t kill Cassis… I can do whatever I want, right?

You turn your head to the door, suddenly feeling the urge to escape. If I leave... it makes me seem guilty. Of I crime I didn’t even commit. And Lante will no doubt kill me. If this is actually the novel and I'm not tweaking, leaving this room is a death wish. I may be thrill-seeking, but I'm not stupid.

Turning your body on the bed so your face is suffocated by the pillow, you hope the lack of oxygen will knock you out for a while. This is it. Goodbye Earth.

⋆˚𝜗𝜚˚⋆

"...keep her alive. She's very interesting to me," the first thing you hear as soon as you wake up is another unfamiliar voice, alongside footsteps retreating from your bedside. The person the man says this order to does not respond, only staring at the man who walks away rushed, like he has someplace else to be. I get it, Lante must be a busy man, with all the children he’s abusing and refining into weapons, and all those sorcerers he’s exploiting for his own gain.

The recognisable man turns his head towards your bed, only to be slightly surprised you staring up at him, not that would show on his face. "You didn't answer my-"

"Silence," he mutters, but the tone and depth are enough to cut daggers into you. He takes a step forward until he's within arm's reach from you. You sit up from your bed, head resting against the headboard as you pat down a spot next to you, inviting him to sit. He looks down at your hand, then back at you. He refuses your invitation, instead asking a question of his own. "What did you mean by..." he trails off, expecting you to answer his question for him.

Hah. I really dropped the bomb this time. If I tell him now... it doesn't matter which Roxana is the one in this timeline. I have a feeling the butterfly effect will be strong. Might even change the ending of the story as I know it.

But... I'm here now. Might as well live life the way I want to. I’m excited to see how this will turn out.

You chuckle. "Your name is Dion Agriche. When you were a child, your older brother gave you sweets and patted you on the head, only for you to throw the sweets away in a bush. Your mother, Maria, would dress you up in girl clothes to alter and refine for your sister Roxana and her mother Sierra. When you were fifteen, you killed your brother as a direct order from your father, the man that just left this room," I could just tell him everything, but... time to flex my knowledge. I’ll only tell him the parts of his childhood now, I don’t want to spill everything. Patience, [name], patience. Thank God I read the side stories before I read the ending of the book.

"...he was my half-"

"Does that really change anything?" you interrupted him, similar to how he did it to you a few moments ago. OH MY GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE I DID THAT!

"...I suppose not."

You both sit in silence for a while, you fiddle with your hands as he looks down at the ground, probably thinking of what to say next. "Your life... everyone's life here is part of a novel. In my world, I read a story following your younger half-sister Roxana and the Pedelian boy Cassis. I was near the end, I'm not that sure much happened after since the main fight battle thing was almost over but... I can have a pretty good idea what happened,"

The man stands rooted in position, taking his hand from behind his back to char his through his hair, and for a split second, looking like his father. I doubt he would want to hear that if I told him. Once again, just like last time, he turns on his heel, walking towards the door. He twists the door handle before you call out to him.

"Why are you leaving?"

He pauses for a few moments, as if he’s thinking how to proceed. You already know he made up his mind, waiting patiently for him. You watch as his hand leaves the knob. Still, he doesn't face you. "Why are you telling me this?"

"You asked,” you admit, shrugging. “Besides, I know how Roxana and Sylvia have their ending. I simply wish to have mine."

"Are you not worried I will tell anyone?"

"I don't see anyone who would believe you,"

"Roxana would," you paused. "You mentioned the Blue Princess,"

"I did,"

"Why do you not think I will inform her?"

"Because I know you," you admit. "More than you think,"

He faces you, crimson eyes boring into yours. His face twists slightly, almost as if he’s offended. He struts up to you in haste, leaning down to grip your chin and pull you towards his face roughly. "You do not know me. If you did... then you would know not to make me angry,"

You look at him with unwavering determination. "You do not scare me. In fact," your shallow face suddenly perks up, a smile gracing your face. "You're my favourite character in the novel,"

He blinks. "Why?"

His grip on your chin tightens, and you shift uncomfortably. "Roxana was an amazing main character. But, in my opinion, she was blindsided by love. Not her love particularly, but... the love people have towards her. It completely replicated The Abysmal Flower novel when Sylvia was the main character. Roxana simply acted differently to the gazes of the supposed male leads. It was boring to predict everyone’s feelings and opinions of each other," you pause to look into his eyes, "You, however..."

He lets go of your chin in a huff, hastily making his way to the door, and this time, you do not stop him. You rub your chin in agony, letting out a small laugh. Let's hope I didn't royally fuck up… no, it’s fine. What can he possibly do with that information? Kill Roxana? He needs reason for that, one even he cannot make up to give to his father.

[mommyownsmee]

hello, i hope you're having a good day. for short, i just need advice. i feel in love with someone, and she sometimes act so mommy with me, and i love it. she calls me adorable and precious, and it instantly puts me in subspace. but she is distant. i chose to distant myself from her before because of some personal problems. she is traumatized with relationships and seems that me showing interest makes her distant again. we are not dating, but she knows how much i love her and somewhat i feel very used. she's the second person i loved this much, and it's been months, i didn't stopped loving her. it just hurts me that she's avoidant and i end up alone craving her again. i don't go after her, but i wish i could be hers and love her without any barriers. she said she's broken and i loved her this way, but i think i scare her. i'm so confused and sad. i wish she wasn't that hurt. not for me, but for herself too. i know i have a lot to grow up... it's okay if you haven't how to answer this. i kinda just vented. jzjsjzsjzs

Hey sweetheart, first of all, take a deep breath. I can feel through your text how much you’re holding onto this, how much love you have inside you that you just want to pour into her, to make her feel safe, wanted, cherished. And I need you to know that your love is not too much. You are not too much. The way you care, the way you crave connection, the way you want to love someone without barriers—that is beautiful, and it deserves to be met with the same depth and warmth.

But it sounds like she can’t meet you there, at least not right now.

I know that hurts to hear. I know you don’t want to believe it. I can tell how deeply you understand her, how much you want to be patient for her, how much you wish she wasn’t carrying the pain that keeps her from letting you in. And I also know that no matter how much you wish you could fix it, no matter how much you love her just as she is, her wounds are not something you can heal for her.

People who have been hurt in the past often struggle with love, even when they want it. It’s not that she doesn’t care for you—if she didn’t, she wouldn’t engage in the ways she does. The way she calls you adorable, the way she makes you feel small and safe, the way she naturally falls into that mommy role without fully claiming it—it’s a sign of something there, but it’s also a sign of someone who isn’t fully ready to step into what you need.

She may enjoy the dynamic, but she also pulls away. And that pulling away, that distance, is her way of protecting herself. It’s not because you scare her. It’s not because you’re too intense. It’s because she’s still afraid of getting hurt again, or maybe even afraid of hurting you. It sounds like she’s told you she’s broken, and maybe she believes that so deeply that she doesn’t think she deserves the love you’re offering. Or maybe she’s just not in a place where she’s capable of returning it fully.

And sweetheart, I know how hard it is, but you have to ask yourself: Is this love, the way it exists right now, enough for you?

I don’t doubt that you love her. I don’t doubt that you’d wait, that you’d give her the space, that you’d do anything to make her feel safe enough to accept your love fully. But what about you? Who’s making sure you feel safe? Who’s holding you when the longing becomes too much? Who’s giving you the reassurance you need?

Love shouldn’t leave you feeling used. Love shouldn’t leave you waiting, aching, wondering if you’re asking for too much. And I know that you wish she would just let you in, let you love her, let you be everything she needs. But if she’s not ready, if she’s not meeting you where you need her to be, then what you have isn’t a relationship—it’s you holding onto the hope of one.

And you deserve more than that.

You deserve someone who sees the way you love and runs toward it, not away. Someone who calls you adorable, who makes you feel small and cherished and safe, and who chooses to stay, to love you openly, fully, without hesitation. Someone who doesn’t make you question your worth or wonder if you’re just being used for the comfort you give. Someone who wants to be yours as much as you want to be theirs.

I know it’s hard to let go. I know you don’t want to. But you don’t have to stop loving her to start loving yourself enough to ask for what you need.

So take a step back, sweetheart. Not as punishment for her, not to play games, but to check in with yourself. Ask yourself if the love you’re holding onto is actually bringing you joy or just breaking your heart a little more every day. And if it is? Then maybe it’s time to let go—not because you don’t love her, but because you love yourself too.

[thevioletcaptain]

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[sherlock-is-ace]

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[quietwingsinthesky]

Hiiiii! So, a few days ago you were talking about the whole thing with Amy, Rory, and River. And when I saw those posts a thought arose in my head and I wish to share it with you.

Since River grew up with Amy and Rory as Mels. And Mels was Amy's best friend do you think that they ever talked about children? Since I know that it can come up when talking with friends, and like... do you think that Amy might've ever expressed whether or not she wanted children?

And if she didn't, that Mels would've had to listen to her mother say that she doesn't want children? The idea is so heartbreaking and sooo interesting.

What do you think about it?

no, no, see, you're so right and this drives me wild.

because, the way i see it, i don't think amy wanted children. she's somewhere on the 'hasn't thought about it' to 'vaguely negative feelings about it happening' range to me, which falls sharply into 'Not Happening Ever Again' post-s6. (specifically, in terms of having a kid herself, even if she could, i really don't think she would. i do love that she and rory end up adopting a kid later, because that does make sense, for amy pond who grew up alone in one universe with her family swallowed by cracks in time before the doctor helped her set it right again, for her to want to make sure another child won't be alone in the world like she was. getting off-track here.)

and that's so. because the first real memory river/mels has of amy is of amy shooting at her. and depending on how well the silence fucked up the rest of her memory, it might be one of the very first memories she has at all. that's how she met her mother, crying for help and getting a bullet instead. her mother tried to kill her, so of course, you have to think. she must have needed to hear that she was wanted, right? even if she was taken away, even if amy shot her, at some point, melody must have been wanted?

river is good at getting people to do what she wants, but she is very, very bad at subtlety. and mels is younger, has less practice, so when she wants to know this, she's just going to ask. blunt and quick, easy enough because amy's used to the way mels will open her mouth and you just have to be ready to roll with what comes out if you want to keep up. it's why they're such good friends (like mother, like daughter.)

they're nine, and mels asks if amy wants kids, and amy wrinkles up her nose and says she won't have time for children, obviously, once her raggedy doctor finally comes back. they're fifteen, and amy and rory dance will they-won't they in a way that makes mels twitchy to watch, and taunting amy about wanting to have rory's babies is a good way to get on her nerves. but amy calls her gross, tells her she's got more life planned than children would leave room for, and besides, imagine her, a mom? it'd be a disaster.

mels does. a lot. she looks at her mother and just sees her best friend instead. she's not even sure what she wishes was there, but. maybe amy's right. and besides. imagine her, a daughter, instead of the ticking time bomb she really is? it'd be a disaster.

they're sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, and on. mels stands on the outside of a love story that births a universe. and her. how do you compete with that? not that she would know, not yet, she hasn't been there. but it doesn't make her feel any less alienated when amy and rory talk in whispers about a half-remembered world that's bled through to this life, about roman soldiers and boxes and the big bang of belief.

all these memories, they never mention children. on amy's wedding day, she's different, not like someone remembering a dream but someone who lived it. rory stands straighter, won't leave her side, and they're both so much older than they were yesterday. maybe now, right? a wedding's as good a time as any to decide you want kids.

mels not being at amy & rory's wedding is such an obvious lazy way of them trying to explain why they totally didn't just throw this plot twist together at the last minute that i'm not even going to acknowledge it. of course she was at their wedding. she's their best friend. there's too many people around the doctor, and she wasn't ready today of all days, so despite this horrible burning need under her skin to strike, she stays her hand. doesn't let him dance with her because she might just tear his throat out if he gets too close. stays with amy and rory as the maid of honor should. she must have been there for the awkward questions that always gets asked, 'so, any plans for a baby?' 'when am i getting grandkids?' 'oh, you two are going to have gorgeous children together.' standing a few feet from amy in her wedding dress and watching her mother tense and grit her teeth and brush off the questions. watching her look nervously at rory but never ask if he means it when his mom asks him if he'd prefer a son or a daughter, and rory answers 'either one, some day, not anytime soon.'

god i'm just going on and on, aren't i. but really, what's it like to know that amy never changed her mind. the next time she sees them, she's already been born and stolen. i don't like let's kill hitler for. so many reasons. but there is something compelling about how recklessly river lashes out at the world, at the doctor. even her sacrifice at the end is almost suicidal, throwing all her regenerations into this man without knowing if that will even work or if it might kill her to do it. but it makes more sense in the context of someone who has reached the end of a long, long wait for some kind of indication, any kind, that her mother wanted to have her. and finally been told, no. she didn't choose melody.

[moinsbienquekaworu]

I'm sorry I'm going to be insane for a second, avert your eyes