#don't even get me started on the idea that women's spaces are only safe if they are exclusive

[darkshrimpemotions]

I run into this a lot in diversity & inclusivity work when an organization wants to express that they are focused on issues of particular significance to women but that they are not trans-exclusive and are generally a safe and inclusive space gender-wise. I've had to explain to so many people why as an afab nonbinary person I relate to a lot of issues they're covering, but I'm not comfortable with the feeling of pinning an "honorary woman" label to my chest to feel like the space includes me. Essentially, they're so worried about making it clear to cis men that they are not welcome/not the priority in that space that they circle right back around to misgendering a bunch of folks trying to include them.

And what I ultimately have started telling them when asked about this is that if you're trying to create a gender-exclusive space, regardless of what gender that is, you've already lost the inclusivity battle to some extent.

If you're creating a space or organization focused on women and you want to be inclusive, just say you're an inclusive organization focused on uplifting/centering women! That's fine! That's providing an accurate summary of the purpose and environment you're trying to create! That's focusing on what and who your space IS for, not who it's NOT for, which is just generally a better way to go about it. There's something extremely...weird about any space going out of its way to hang a "no boys allowed" sign on the door like we're eight years old and marking playground territory. It's even weirder when they then add a bunch of caveats about who they do or don't mean by "boys."

But by that same token, if you take a look at your goals/mission statement and realize that most or all of what you're spending your time focusing on also pertains to lots of people who aren't women--be that trans men, nonbinary people, or even some cis men--then maybe an organization primarily focused on women doesn't actually best serve your purpose? I dunno, just a thought.

I've been seeing a disturbing number of "queer safe spaces" describe themselves as things like "femme & them" and even worse "she+," conflating femininity & nonbinaryhood. cease this immediately. say it with me: nonbinary people are NOT women-lite and it is extremely violent and straight up incorrect to imply that all they/thems are fem adjacent. this is erasure and this verbiage does nothing but make gnc and nonbinary spaces unsafe for masc and male nonbinary people. nonbinary, genderqueer and other third gender people can be and are masculine and men, we can be hes as well as shes and theys, stop allowing yourself and your peers to view nonbinary as woman/femme-lite, signed a butch nonbinary person.

[balkanradfem]

I'm about to write something horrifying (to me) and I don't even know how to preface it. Some extremely cruel intentions, I guess.

So, I'm still searching for a roommate, with my add pleading for only women to respond. Of course, tons of males are responding eagerly, reassuring me they're better than any female roommate, and I say no. In most cases thats that, but I had a few phone calls that have been intense pressure and even difficult to get rid of. About three times now, different males called me with a proposition that they move in with me, and they would pay everything, rent and bills, on their own. This sounded like a nonsense proposition and I would say no and hang up as they're insisting and explaining and promising this would be ideal for me. Baffled by the nonsense, I assumed they wanted to do something illegal in here or wanted to have me kicked out and take over the apartment. But it was weird that it happened three separate times! And always the same proposition. I move in and pay for everything.

I was at the plant lady's house and I started to complain about the nonsense males say to me over the phone, and as I was explaining, her son entered the room and overheard the chat. He looked me in the eye and said 'Oh they want something else from you.'

I froze in embarrassment. Because I hadn't figured it out. And gyns you know me. You know with m*n I always assume the worst possible thing and I hadn't even thought of that. I didn't think, that my add where I'm only asking for a female roommate, would make them go 'Oh I'm going to move in there and make her my live-in prostitute.' 

I stuttered, saying something about how I thought they wanted to do something illegal, and plant lady logically argued it would be easy for them to do that living alone, they want a 'wife'. Disgusted, I protested 'But I didn't put out any info about my appearance, age, they have no idea who I am or what I look like!' 'Oh these people don't care' They both laughed at me. Embarrassed and mortified, I thought more about it at home. 

The only thing they knew about me from the add was that I was a woman, renting a place and looking to half the rent, and that I was unwilling to share my living space with males. And not only one, but multiple males came up with with the same scheme. In this scheme, the woman they're trying to exploit isn't even getting money out of it, only her half of the rent covered. She would have no profit at all, only to keep what she earns otherwise, and to be under the threat of being kicked out of her home if she fights him off.

If I had been someone a bit more naive or desparate, and said yes, can you imagine? Being threatened to be kicked out on the street unless I comply with their rape. They could easily do it if they pay for everything and are stronger than me. I'd become homeless. I did't realize what I was saying no to, because it was such nonsense to me, but a male only heard about it for a second and knew immediately what was up. So this isn't me assuming worst intentions, a male recognized their scheme instinctively. 

I'm sad and upset this keeps happening to me! I can't immediately hang up to any male voice because sometimes they're looking for accommodations for their daughters and I have to be sure. Don't worry though! Someone is coming to look at the apartment tomorrow, and it is a woman.

Stay safe everyone and assume the worst of males.

[respectthepetty]

The Loyal Pin - Episode 2

I have no idea what I am doing with this space each week. Am I thinking thoughts? Am I recapping the episode? Am I getting anxiety that I'll have to be more selective with the images I use since I'm only allowed thirty yet every second of this show is color-coded? Am I lusting after Pin and my girl Prik? All of the above?! Once again, I have no idea, so let me just get this post started at the beginning with Pin being the saddest Pink Person and cutting all the mangoes within 50 miles because her girlfriend is leaving.

The Blue Beauty Anin sends her loyal and trusty sidekick Prik to keep her girlfriend company while she is busy preparing for her move.

Because she knows no mangoes are safe and apparently papayas too! And while we get a flashback, we see that Pin is wearing blue ribbons in her hair because even if she can't put words to it, she's been in love with her Blue Beauty for a long time.

Probably before she even knew the word "love"

So while Anin is busy making arrangements with her color-coded brother,

Pin is haunting the halls already grieving her loss

Refusing to acknowledge that Anin is leaving (same girl, same)

Losing her appetite (and will to live), which her color-coded mother picks up on

And crushing Prik's spirit with the realization that Anin will be abroad for SEVEN DAMN YEARS!

Basically, Pin is in her sad girl era as she holds Anin's handkerchief and cries into her pillow.

But thankfully Prik acts like a ghost and snitches to her Blue Beauty Boss that their Pink Person is turning into Britney Spear's 2000 classic "Lucky" since "she cry, cry, cries in her lonely heart, thinking 'if there's nothing missing in my life then why do these tears come at night?'"

So Anin, in true Blue Beauty, fashion decides to make her girl happy by making food with her and eating it . . . alone since Pin still isn't eating.

And takes up every single waking moment of Pin's time.

They even celebrate Loy Krathong together, but the mood turns sad once Pin finally vocalizes that Anin is leaving FOR SEVEN DAMN YEARS!

So it's time for Anin to leave, and she says goodbye to her color-coded girlfriend and her color-coded aunt.

Oh, and her color-coded brothers!

But she immediately gets to writing her girl because if a letter is late, according to Prik, Pin is painting her nails black and listening to My Chemical Romance's "Ghost of You" on repeat until the letter arrives. Same girl, same.

However, Pin can read between the lines, and even though Anin is saying she is happy and writing about other friends (Anin knows other women?! Not in this sapphic love story she don't!),

Pin knows Anin is not happy and can see the teardrops on the letter as clear as day because they are the same album, but different songs. Alexa, play My Chemical Romance's "I'm Not Okay"!

Fuck it! Just play all of Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge! I'M in my emo feels!

But their SEVEN DAMN YEAR separation is coming to in end which we can tell because their hairstyles have changed, and our Blue Beauty has a plan up her sleeve!

Sidenote: The snow globe on her desk has one character in green and blue and the other is in red and pink. It's them!

But back to the plan! Now that Anin is graduating, she triple-checks with her color-coded family that the highly esteemed prince who just happens to be her dad is going to keep his promise of giving her anything she wants.

Because this bad (blue) bitch is getting the custom-made house she promised her girl! Sis secured the bag!

And Pin is proud as hell of her smarty-pants skirt (since the clothing is historical accurate?).

But as proud as she is of her, in the middle of a room filled with pink, blue, and purple (!!!!) flowers, she looks shocked to see her Blue Beauty right in front of her when the episode ends.

Anin is just full of surprises like appearing out of nowhere and coming back queerer than when she left. Good for her!

Bonus: Anin's mom is a Yellow/Orange Oddity, and I think as the girls continue to age, they will inherit more of their moms' colors into their wardrobes because of generational trauma, gender norms, and whatnot until they break against tradition and be gay do crime each other.

But either way, me and my huge emo album collection will be here doing whatever this is all season!

[bobalegsanji]

Sanji's personality is unique and i love him for it

I love how stylish he is. He's well-groomed and cares about his personal hygiene. He's DRAMATIC, the straw hat's unofficial drama queen, always striking poses and rocking them. He's passionate, which is already often seen as a feminine trait, but he's passionate specifically about cooking. He cleans and takes care of domestic jobs on the Sunny; not because he has to but because he values a clean, safe space for his family. He's much more emotionally vulnerable than any other male on board, he's physically unable to control his love around women or his anger and annoyance around Zoro. He's sensitive, he started smoking because he wanted Zeff to see him as an adult. He can't help it but care about his family, even after years and years of torment and abuse. He's also sensitive to beauty, something no other male straw hat ever really shows: he appreciates food, and nature, and people, and animals (the rats, I'm going to cry). Even his fighting style can be seen as feminine (humour me for a second); he doesn't rely on brute strength or straightforward techniques. He fights elegant and fluid and intelligent. Oh god and don't get me started on Okama Island; the confusion and discomfort from seeing other men be so flamboyant and gender-noncomforming and proud. They're everything Sanji is, only a thousand-fold more.

It all gets so much more obvious after WCI. Sanji refuses to conform to the gender-affirming ideas his father put in his head from a young age. He refuses to be anything but a warm, loving, caring person like his mother. He's a perfectly written male character who's feminine traited, and he deserves the absolute world.

It's also why he fits in with the straw hats so well. Every single one of them is just a little bit fucked up. Sanji's never had a family like them: it's always been him VS the world, his personality VS the standards his father set (even at Baratie it was always his feminine traits VS a loving but incredibly male-dominated, masculine environment). I LOVE this man with my whole heart and I'll never shut up about him

[inspiteofganon]

I think ganondorf would be so confused by homophobia. like yeah obviously hes attracted to men. he took a course on wooing them. obviously hes attracted to women, why wouldnt he be women are great

The gerudo would not give less of a fuck about sexuality i think. i think the majority of them would be married to women and only seek out men to have children with

Oh yeah such a thing would definitely be nonsense to him, I think. Petty garbage for spoiled weaklings to fuss over. "Who cares if someone's attracted to the same sex? Every day my people struggle in the desert etc. etc. Hand Over The Triforce." sentiments.

Most of my headcanons about Gdorf and the gerudo only selectively factor in BotW/TotK-timeline things such as the dating classes, in preference for OoT-and-its divergents-inspired stuff and also "things my roommate says". I must confess I prefer them a bit more on the chauvinistic side... consistent, feisty, and proud... i.e. "everybody keep out" > "men keep out, women/agenders are fine". Why make exceptions for some hylians but not others?? Girl, the imperialists...!

I definitely agree they don't really "give a fuck" about sexuality. Maybe only a sliver depending on context. It's not really relevant to most of them unless they wanna start a family or fall in love. Being a 100% straight gerudo must kinda suck though since your only options are either hitting up Ganondorf (if there's even a gerudo king at home at the moment) or learning how to woo some outsider voe... or transmasc gerudo, if you think they'd have enough of those in the open. I like the idea of there being a lot of lesbian and bi gerudo... I want to see a gay gerudo wedding... they're socially monogender except for the times they have a king, so social sexuality really isn't something I think they'd really think seriously about except for the aforementioned reasons. Just more garbage that the peoples they steal from waste time on! Lame. Even the "vai" others have are so socially different despite physical similarities that they just don't vibe the same as other gerudo.

As for Ganondorf and his own Gay Thoughts... man, where to even start with what I have in mind for that guy. Besides the fact that he can't be normal about anything ever.

If vai take lessons on how to romance and woo voe, Ganondorf I think would at least know how that works. He has to know how the things his subjects consider important work-- how else are they going to respect him?! To hylians, I think, getting to know him long enough he'd start to come off as a guy with an unusually deep knowledge of what most might call "women's business". Up to and including him knowing how to go about getting a boyfriend if he really wanted to. But back to GAYNESS... I think it'd be complicated for him. Because Ganondorf is a very superior man who thinks little of everyone else, especially if they're not gerudo. So if one approached the topic of his orientation-- assuming his response wasn't just "who cares? not me"-- he might not be able to give you a straight (lol) answer on the sole basis that there aren't any other males of his own kind to measure his reactions with, and that he looks down too much on other peoples for him to think they truly count.

But on the FLIP side of that!! Other men could be, for lack of a better word, a "safe space" to play with his own sexuality, since them being of so little matter makes them more approachable in that sense. Goodness knows he's up to his eyeballs in women at home, but men? They're novel, they're disgusting but mandatory to his people (though they insist he's the one good one! they swear!!), and like it or not, the common voe outside Gerudo Valley are lumped into the same category that he is by most. They're so like him, but so not. They don't have the same expectations he has on his shoulders. Perhaps a part of him might envy their freedom and camaraderie... and enjoy intimidating them as a result, and thinking something like "Wow, you're nearly the kind of gender I am... heheh..." while watching them squirm in his presence. What passes for a man in Hyrule is different from what he's been raised to be...

So yeah in my opinion he's DEFINITELY got some gay potential boiling under the lid. He's not gonna think about it or act on it in a sane or healthy way though.

[hopepunkhealer]

back to this weeks episode of ghost's queer rage: women and nonbinary only"inclusive" safe spaces, sports, and other anti masculinity politically correct queer spaces

so, my men of the jury, i would like to open this and say that I am in fact the perfect image of the perfect miss universe afab queer person, I'm quiet, but just proud enough to say I'm open, I mostly like women, but if be open for others, I may be genderfluid but I'm "normal" I'm fem enough presenting, I'm fucking perfect arent i.

where do i fucking start this.

should i start with the absoloute bullshit that are inclusive sport leagues? so I play roller derby, and the closest league to me is an "inclusive" women/enby league. yet its mostly cis women and I have yet to see a single amab person play or be seen on track outside low level training. i play with the junior league, and that league is mixed, because its juniors, but there do the guys go when the age out? fuck if they know.

this club preaches about being inclusive and an open safe place for queer spaters, and yet they're one of two leagues that I know that have women/enby only teams

the fact that theyre women and enby only, means they also don't take all enby people, they only take the perfect enbys, the right queers

i know im yelling at a wall about this because I am their idea of the perfect socially acceptable queer. but what the ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS BULLSHIT ANYMORE

THERE ARE NO TRUELY INCLUSIVE QUEER SPACES ANYMORE

BECAUSE THE VERY SLIGHT *HINT* OF MASCULINITY (be that amab people, ftm people, masc women, masc enby people, etc)IS AN IMMEDIATE RED FLAG TO THEM BECAUSE OH GODS THE HORROR MEN = BED

YOU HAVE TO BE THE RIGHT KIND OF QUEER TO EXIST IN AN "INCLUSIVE" SPACE, OR TO CALL YOURSELF QUEER AT ALL ANYMORE, BECAUSE EVEN THE WORD QUEER HAS BECOME THE CUTESY HAPPY PRIDE PC TERM, BECAUSE THE SECOND YOU SEE YOURSELF AS ANYTHING BUT THE PERFECT FAG, ITS OUTCAST UNCLEAN, KILL YOURSELF, FUCK YOU AND YOUR FAMILY AND YOUR COW YOU ARENT WORTH ANYTHING DIRTY FAG

so can i get a highfive for being the worlds okayest fags?

[patricide1885]

I'm starting to see the switch from transsexual to transgender as an ultimate L considering you have queer people making jokes like a guy asking a ftm if he's the mail man and the ftm replying "well no, but I am a man". What the fuck? Why would you say that? If there's any situation where cancelling someone is appropriate it's this, but all the comments are positive and you have trans mascs playing along.

I think viewing hrt as a minor aesthetic thing is fucked up. It all goes down to this idea that we aren't what we say we are and we're pretending. I know some people are happy with their natal biology but have a masculine gender identity. They can be transgender. That's fine, but the fact that sex essentialism has been made the norm even within trans spaces... I don't understand how so many people are okay with it. It's this transphobia that is now built into trans activism and I'm now getting triggered whenever someone says "well actually there's a difference between sex and gender". Sure whatever, but how dare you apply that to me? The only way for me to not have people, even queer people, do that is for me to remain stealth.

In general I think the fact that there's a subportion of trans people who are okay with whatever and are allowing whatever arbitrary thing they're okay with to be applied to trans people as a whole is messed up. We don't have the same experience. I think assuming we all do is a problem. If you're genuinely happy with your natal biology and being seen as having it - that's wonderful because the alternative is a lot of shit to go through, you're transgender and not transexual, sure. But you can't speak for me and my experiences.

And I hate that I specifically mistrust most trans people. I don't feel any safer outing myself to them than I do to the general population because they are not fucking trustworthy and they're very likely to be transphobic as fuck. Especially trans men/mascs and often nonbinaries. Trans women seem to be a little better about this and I feel way more comfortable around them. It feels very invalidating to not even have other trans people see you correctly. It doesn't make me feel safe. It doesn't make me feel safe in regards to future policy etc. I feel I need to move to a new country as a man and remove all official record of my being trans to be safe. The only real way to be the human I am is to disappear.

I'm tired of reactionary politics being normalized and celebrated.

[raytorosaurus]

i think where people get confused is that mcr did try very hard and very overtly to make their shows a safe space for queer people and women which is not a political act it just feels political because being queer and/or a woman means you exist in a space where your being is politicised by those around you whether you want to actively be involved in those politics or not. but, as you said, the art itself is personal and the message at shows is generally also about personal expression and learning to be yourself and take care of yourself. there's an element of respect each other/respect each others' differences but that's not political there's no call to action there's no fight for structural change and that's totally fine they don't have to be that

yeah no you said it, i totally agree. like i said, they're only political as far as all art is political - maybe slightly more because they made an active effort to engage with a socially outcast audience, tho in their minds that wasn't about specific marginalised groups like queer people, neurodivergent ppl etc - beyond their vocal support of women at shows/in the scene, they were directing their art just at people who didn't quite fit in in general. there's a big venn diagram there (and obviously some contextual cause-and-effect in terms of what kind of people tended to be unwelcome in hardcore scenes lol - even then, mcr never made any statements about race or whiteness) but it's not like gerard started a band to empower or liberate specific identities in a political sense - it was very consciously an effort to sing more about general unifying human experiences - i.e. ones lots of people can relate to. one of mcr's (especially gerard as lyricist) greatest strengths is being able to tap into those "universal" emotions like grief, loneliness, self-hatred etc. and make them a little easier to confront head-on or feel a little less isolating. that's literally why they're popular - if they had been overtly political they simply never would have made it that big! wait i'll let hanif abdurraqib say it because he said it best (brief snippet from his wonderful essay on the black parade in his collection they can't kill us until they kill us - 100% worth the cost of the ebook alone, and all of his essays are brilliant).

that idea is kind of at the heart of mcr and something i really appreciate about it. there's actually very little specificity in mcr's lyrics by design - it's meant to be projected onto and interpreted. that makes it inherently difficult to politicise bc good politics requires clarity of message and intention. that in turn makes mcr pretty apolitical by nature - which isn't a bad thing! different bands (like all types of art) exist for different reasons, and mcr's reason is catharsis and connection far more than it is any kind of activism. we can be pretty assured based on the lyrics and what we know of the guys that their politics aren't terrible and that's enough for me.

the real issue comes in when people act like mcr are political and give them credit for something they're not (and something they've never really claimed to be!). i get that mcr is a gateway band for a lot of people into harder/heavier music - it was for me too! - but even bands one step removed from mcr in the same scene (e.g. thursday) are leagues more political than these guys are.

this goes beyond mcr/bandom now but....tbh i think a lot of it comes from that relatively recent attitude that's common in online circles that activism is heavily rooted in personal identity (which ties in with the harmful pattern of, for example, white queer people acting like they're somehow above other white people in terms of racism) and comes more from individual thought, words, and discussion (in which using the correct language sometimes has more weight than what you're trying to say) than it does from actual community action. this isn't an attack at anyone btw - a lot of the statements about mcr's politics around here are pretty flippant and light-hearted anyway, i doubt too many people are taking them super seriously, but it's probably worth considering. overall, i'm not listening to mcr for politics and i'm certainly not looking to any of them for political guidance, but it's nice to feel connected to them and to all of you guys and to know that they support my identity, but that’s kind of as far as it goes for me.

[gougarfem]

I want to transition so bad

I agree with radical feminism and all but theory cant relieve the sex dysmorphia. I wish you the best of luck!

Question tho: the health related risks are a large part of whats kept me from transitioning. Are you planning to start taking testosterone? If you are how do you plan on doing it in a way that poses the least risks to your health? If you’re not then in what ways can a woman transition to a trans man without hormone therapy?

Thanks!

Signed, lookupmedicalmisogyny

(Which is not my main, hence the anon)

i would naturally urge you not to transition, as i believe the vast majority of dysphoria is treatable. if you can be happy without transition, it is a much better life. better for your health, better to know you always have the support of other women, better to find comfort in the same body you've spent your whole life with. some feel the need to have some sort of medical alteration without transitioning fully or adopting the male gender role - again i advise against this, but if you really have no other option and it helps you to find comfort in your sex it is a route some go down. anything is better than spending a lifetime fighting your biological reality and adapting to living as a member of a different sex category.

i am on testosterone, and have been for several weeks - i was on it for nearly a year in the past. health for me is very much different to most people, so i don't feel qualified to give advice there. i have a chronic illness which nearly killed me multiple times and took years of my life away, so risking my health is a huge huge concern of mine and absolutely terrifying. i am under medical supervision, taking the dose i took in the past which did not seem to have immediate adverse effects (although in the future i will likely need a hysterectomy, but have wanted one for years anyway due to a very severe menstrual disorder), having regular blood tests and on constant guard for any signs of changes to my health. personally, i have found the increase in muscle mass reduces my chronic pain and leaves me more energised, but this is achievable by other means such as bodybuilding.

the reality is that testosterone is never truly safe. the effects on females have not been studied properly, and there are many anecdotal reports of the damage it can do by detrans women. i will most likely need a hysterectomy - this is not a concern for me personally, but nobody should unnecessarily remove a vital organ. vaginal atrophy, hair loss, and blood disorders are risks i have had to come to terms with. there are worse risks, and there are unknown risks. i am willing to go through this only because i am certain i can't keep living with dysphoria this severe, and have experienced it since early childhood. nobody should go through this if they have another option.

i would suggest lifting weights to build a more muscular and potentially masculine physique. feeling stronger in general can reduce dysphoria, and exercise is brilliant for your mental health, especially weightlifting as it's an instant rush rather than a more drawn-out activity where you can get lost in your thoughts. cut your hair, dress however you want, break the barriers your female socialisation imposed on you. be loud, angry, confident and outspoken. take up space. all of these things are possible as a woman, even though society says otherwise.

i would urge you to also consider the following: - when did your dysphoria start? was it impacted by factors like puberty, trauma, the realisation of gender roles?

- are you uncomfortable with the idea of being a masculine woman? how does your current expression impact your dysphoria? what about sexuality?

- can you see yourself growing old as an old man? can you see yourself growing old as an old woman? in 60 years, how do you think you'll consider gender? can you picture the future at all?

- do you experience 'gender envy'? is your identity tied to appearance, or the people you're around? is the idea of being a masculine twink with female friends more appealing than being a fully biological male? do you value your femaleness in any way, such as a sense of community, familiarity, connections with female relatives?

- if you woke up on a desert island, would you still want to transition? do you want a male body, or do you crave the male social role?

- what do you associate with womanhood? what does being a woman mean to you?

these are questions you can't answer in a day. it may take months, years, or a lifetime. but please consider them before trying to transition. if nothing else, you'll have a deeper understanding of yourself and the feelings that led you to this point.

i hope this wasn't too rambly and made some sense. i'm always open to dm if you want to discuss things further or just chat to someone who gets it.

take care <3

@lookupmedicalmisogyny

[bulliness]

(cw for mentions of sexual assault) Speaking of, it's been driving me CRAZY because I've seen not one but multiple LGBT people proudly "come out" as pedophiles recently and then claim they were only getting hate for being LGBT like if y'all don't read the fucking room... "thought crime" my ass. I really don't vibe with the idea that because someone is sexualizing something on the Internet that means they can't possibly be doing that crime in real life. My older sibling was in online spaces regarding anime, furries, fandom etc. I won't go into details but he sexually abused multiple children, family members, and animals. Whenever I see someone bragging about these things and showing no remorse online I can't convince myself they aren't doing it irl! I know it's my trauma but it really happened to me it does cause real harm, I have PTSD and am constantly suicidal. "thought crime" im sure child abusers are giddy as hell about the pro pedo sentiment that's getting more popular in spaces that used to be more safe. I feel like I'm going to chew off my arm. Sorry, something about imaginary sister in your post made me go !!! bc I was the sister but I definitely wasn't imaginary, yk? In the past couple years I keep seeing these 4chan esque morally reprehensible arguments that make no sense. "kill the cop in your head that says assaulting people in their most formative years is wrong" bitch do you hear yourself?! I've been here a long while and I miss the days you could talk about wanting to kill your rapist when this site was, at the very least, larping as feminist. I'm literally too scared to bring this up on my own blog bc sometimes pedos will send ppl who disagree with them csam. Also I'm not trying to start the most triggering rancid internet shit storm ever in my notifs :/ I did not mean to write out this much omg. You dont have to post this btw lol

No you're fine!! I completely agree that people have gotten way more comfortable being open about being into these things in the name of "queerness" and it actively detrimental to the community.

There was a time when even I was being accused of pedophilia baselessly, that thankfully didn't result in any harassment because all my mutuals called the anon on their shit. So like, yeah, there's baseless accusations and hate campaigns against innocent trans people (mostly women).

But the whole point is that these women DON'T have "MAP" or "big sister" or whatever in their bios. The second you do that shit, you stop being a victim to me because you thought what you jerk off to was more important than the safety and comforts of people that faced abuse.

It's just really frustrating having to scan every tag and post on a blog before following, just in case they're a secret freak. He'll, the reason I didn't know about this blog is because her tag for it wasn't something I'd thought to check on her blog. Actually pisses me off.

Anyway I hope you can avoid this stuff as much as possible. This is quite literally the first time I've been caught off guard like this, because everyone I follow is chill and rarely get into arguments with these people. Good luck 💜

[hard--headed--woman]

since you’re young I’m going to assume you’re single, just entertain this idea if you’re not. I feel paranoid as a lesbian to enter lesbian spaces because of Tims. I already live in a tiny town and had trouble in dating apps before, but seeing the insanity on Reddit (I left the “actual lesbians” subreddit even before I peaked bc I was so shocked and disgusted they talk about normalizing trans women’s bodies 24/7) has made me so paranoid about entering these spaces. Say there is a “trans woman” who becomes violent or honesty even just the lack of finding a partner is difficult. I feel like we’re already a minority and this shit doesn’t help. Ik people like to say that online doesn’t equate to real life but this does translate into real life. It’s hard to even enter what’s suppose to be lesbian safe spaces bc of (rational) fear that they’re overrun with these men.

Hey, sorry for taking so long to reply !

I indeed am single (my girlfriend and I broke up some months ago) and I relate to everything you said. I'd like to meet women and to find another girlfriend, but it is difficult because, like you, I live in a small town and it's hard to meet women around my age, and I am afraid of TIMs and of gender ideology. What if lesbian spaces are invaded by gender havers and they start harrassing me for being a "terf" (aka a lesbian)? What if a TIM hits on me and gets mad when I reject him (because we all know men are violent) ? Lesbian spaces are so rare, and I am afraid to enter them because I know they will be invaded by men and it could be dangerous or annoying for me to be a real lesbian in these spaces because of them. But at the same time I don't know how to meet women otherwise. So yeah... you aren't the only one. Everything is so relatable.

[aroacesafeplaceforall]

Thanks for the reblog!

I'm so glad you have created a safe space for aroace people! We really need more of those.

I do not have a support group or anything because I do not know anyone who is aroace. But my friends are great and even though they don't understand, they're supportive enough and I couldn't ask for better people in my life.

Anyway, this blog is awesome because I'm always looking for a way to vent. I blabber to my friends all the time even if they're not listening, but I'm seizing this opportunity lol. So here I go (and this goes without saying, but I'm sorry because this is gonna be kinda long probably)...

So I'm a female Indian and I'm Muslim which basically means arranged marriages are a thing and that getting married in your early 20s is also a thing. So if you're a girl, most times the moment you turn 18 or maybe even before that, your family will start looking for a suitable groom for you. Some families value education and so they let the girls study and at least complete their degree. And if you're lucky, the family you're married into also values education and financial independence and will let you continue your studies or work. But not everyone is that lucky. Sometimes even if your in-laws are supportive, your husband might not be, and will stop you from studying or doing something you love.

The maximum age you can be unmarried as an Indian Muslim woman is around 25. And getting till 25 unmarried is very rare. So unmarried women above the age of 25 are even rarer. All the Muslim spinsters are either widows or divorced. Getting married is not a choice here, it's a part of life.

Most people know of the LGBTQ community here. India is not in any way progressive when it comes to the community, since it's only recently being gay stopped being a crime here. Culture and tradition is considered very important and most beliefs are rooted in religion, whatever the religion may be. So homophobia and transphobia is rampant. But the general population is aware of the existence of gay and trans people. Very few of them might now about the existence of aromanticism and asexuality. The idea of wanting to be single and/or celibate is foreign to them. And my family belongs to that group of people (that took a turn eh?)

My family is what I would like to call a semi conservative family. They are religious enough to push us to learn the holy book and pray regularly and follow religious teachings but not that much that they force us to do things that are not compulsory or whatever. They value education and freedom of choice and are not stuck in the past (which unfortunately cannot be said about most Indian families).

My mother actually got married when she was 24 and after completing her degree, which is surprising to me because that can be seen as progressive as it was rare at the time.

So yeah, I'm lucky to be part of a family like this. They're understanding, more than I think they are, but obviously I'm scared because I do not know how much that understanding extends.

I am 22 right now and mentally ill. I have been from the age of 14 or so. I haven't been diagnosed properly but I started therapy last year and my current therapist called my condition high-functioning depression which basically means that I function well enough in society but am depressed. It's apparently something most celebrities have.

My journey with mental illness is a long and exhausting one and it's still not going steady, but what I would like to mention is that what prompted me to take the big step that is therapy after many years was an event...the wedding engagement of my best friend.

My best friend and I have been friends from kindergarten. We were neighbours and classmates and our families are also very close. The news of her engagement shocked me (maybe not as much it shocked her though. It was a very sudden engagement. But she's happy and in love now and I'm happy for her.) and it made warning bells go off in my head. I suddenly felt like I was running out of time. And since I'm scared of getting married and obviously haven't come out to my parents or told them or even ever implied that I wasn't into the idea of marriage, that fear of getting married in the near future pushed me into getting therapy. It was an on and off thing for a while. Me and my first therapist did get somewhere and I'd made some progress before I was back in square one. But I have many underlying and standing issues that I never really got a chance to talk to her about marriage or any of that stuff. I have a new therapist now and I haven't talked to her about it either, I've only mentioned not wanting to get married in passing. I think it's because I know nothing I say will change the fact that I haven't told my parents and thus my future will not change or become closer to the one I have envisioned.

I am now doing a post graduate degree and I will complete it next year, after I turn 23. I don't think my family has actively started looking for proposals but they are open to accepting good ones. I have no hand in this, not right now at least. After my graduation, I will. I will be expected to look pretty and pose and look through proposals and all that shit. It sounds like torture. I've heard enough stories to know it's not a fun process.

I really want to tell my parents because if it means I have to live the rest of my life miserable, then at least I'd have spoken my truth, but I keep waiting for the right time but I've realised there is no right time, there is only a wrong time and that is when they start actively looking for a poor chap who'll want to marry me. I'm just so scared because I'm pretty sure I know what they'll say. They'll either say something along the lines of "you're just lazy and/or unprepared and/or scared" and "that is not even an option. It is compulsory (not true btw)/encouraged in Islam to get married. You will lose your ways and go astray and get into haram (Islamically) unlawful romantic/sexual relationships". Worst case scenario is that I stand my ground and refuse to get married and they'll lock me up or send me off to a mental hospital or just disown me or something. Best case scenario is they agree to not marry me off but insist I become an Islamic nun or something (which I'm not completely against. But I'm not deeply religious enough to devote my whole life to being an Islamic teacher or missionary or whatever. I will and want to do it along with whatever job I get).

Of course, there is a chance it'll not go anything like this and go in a completely different direction I didn't even think of but i seriously doubt it. You see, even if my parents are supportive of my decision to not get married, pressure from the rest of the family and societal pressure will be really strong, that even if they hold on for a while, they'll break eventually.

Now say it will go my way and I get to be a happy (or trying to be happy) spinster, then I will become the talk of the town and considered an outcast. It will not be easy attending gatherings and my family will get the brunt of it, especially my parents. Gossip is after all very destructive.

I could cut off my family after becoming financially independent but I have never even considered that an option. I love my family and I owe them a lot and I would and could never cut them off from my life (assuming that it even is possible. It's not very easy to do that here.)

So I'm stuck and this has been a burden that I've been carrying around for a while now. I knew I didn't want anything to do with romantic relationships from when I was 14 or something but then after I realised I had really low self esteem, I realised that might be why I wasn't interested in being in a romantic relationship but I have thought long and hard about it and I have come to the conclusion (one of many) that it's just something that I do not want for myself.

It had always been at the back of my mind though but this has become a more immediate worry as I'm running out of time, and so I panic every now and then when my thoughts wander and I think about the future. It's getting exhausting being so unsure of something like marriage when I'm also worried about finding a stable career and just surviving because even that is a huge question mark for me when I think about the future.

And that's that. Sorry for any typos/grammar errors! (I'm too lazy to proof read this 😅, not that that proofreading would help 😛)

I should probably go to sleep now. If you read all of that, thank you so much. It really means a lot.

Hey there! I’m glad you found a good place to vent and I hope you find happiness and love (platonic) where ever you go in life!

I honestly don’t really know what to say but I’m here for you! You sound like an incredible person and I know you’ll do well in life <3

Stay amazing and stay safe, remember no matter what happens we are all here for you and you are always valid!! <33

[lockedtombbrainworms]

Oh no a big long politics post that's only tangentially related to what I'm here to post about!

The realisation that there are actually terfs in the locked tomb fandom, who know the books well enough to have actually engaged in some level of analysis of them as texts, is fucking terrifying to me. I should've realised they'd be here, they're everywhere now, but like, it really sucks. Lemme explain... Ten years ago, when I was a recently-out trans woman, I was a lot less afraid of terfs in fandom spaces because they were just another kind of weird internet bigot, like the homophobes and the misogynist nerd bros. They could be a threat, sure, but they were the sort of threat you had a much better chance of avoiding. Now their movement has gained the sort of political traction where they're actually impacting policy and having a tangible negative effect on trans people offline and in the wider online world, the idea of having them in a social space with me fills me with actual fucking dread. I'm no stranger to fighting these fuckers, I've counter-protested them with my friends and my comrades, met them in the street when they came to my town and said "not here or anywhere, not now or ever". I'm not coming from the perspective of someone who thinks terfs are these incomprehensible eldritch horrors that will rend me asunder without me being able to do anything about it. I'm just pissed off because I don't like having to watch out for terfs in my fucking downtime when I'm on tumblr reading about my fucking blorbos and their gay little adventures with swords and necromancy.

Drive that shit out. Stand together and don't let your friends slide down the rabbit hole. The terf ideology is melding with the far right and it's not just trans people they've got their sights on. They're after all of us, and they try to pick people off and radicalise them against the rest of us, because if we're divided we don't stand together against them and they can run right over us.

I've been seeing this shit for ten years and it isn't always the cartoonishly obvious fuckery like "hey, the trans movement is making my daughter think she's a boy, how disgusting".

It starts with trying to demonise queers for anything - for the way we dress, the way we act, the way we talk, the way we fuck, the way we love. It works its way in through feminism, by saying "how dare these gay men make a mockery of womanhood through drag and then expose our children to such misogyny", or "how can you support women selling their bodies in the sex industry by suggesting sex workers should organise and work together to keep themselves safe".

They try coming in through leftist ideology like "how dare these transsexuals complain about being misgendered at work or raise money for something as bourgeois as cosmetic surgery when there are real working-class people who can't even pay their rent". They try and launder their ideas through appeals to reactionary tendency like "aren't polyamorous people just a bit... weird? Look at all these horror stories you hear of people turning a polycule into a miniature cult, surely that can't be good!". They appeal to your inner prude, "kink is weird and violent and how can people consent to that? Hey, don't you think these queers might be a bit dangerous? Look what they get off to!".

All that shit is leading you astray. Stop caring so much what other people do. Stop inventing convoluted justifications for pouncing on your fellow queers by playing 5D chess to come up with a way to explain that actually, a man dyeing his hair pink is doing misogynist violence and therefore you have to write 10,000 words online about him. Get out there. Find the people near you who are making the world a better place, who are running food banks and soup kitchens and homeless shelters and clothes exchanges and support groups and whatever else is out there and GET INVOLVED. If you can't physically go out there, see what logistical support those organisations need that you can do from home. Fuck, knit hats to keep people warm. Just do something.

It'll feel weird. You'll see some shit that'll absolutely smash your beliefs about how everyone outside of your little bubble is evil. Some 75 year old boomer will say the most radical shit you've ever heard about solidarity between oppressed people. The crustiest middle-aged cishet punk dude you'll ever meet will go on a drunken rant about how cool his trans friends are and how he wishes he could help them more. You'll think you're a lesbian and then suddenly you'll kiss this dude you met at a punk show that your buddies from the food bank took you to, because you liked the look in his eyes when the band played a song about queer joy and resistance and tearing down borders. Weird shit will happen to you and it'll be great.

This was about the locked tomb fandom at first I promise. It's turned into the post I always end up making on every social media platform I end up on, which is "I'm getting too Online because of this platform and I'm not gonna be around as much, you should try that maybe"

[lovecolibri]

SaL anon here bestie and *deep sigh* here we are...again. Not to get off topic but have you ever seem The Green Mile?? I have a complicated relationship with that movie but I the thing from it permanently imprinted on my brain is when the warden comes in demands "What in the Blue Fuck was That!?" It a whole ass mood right now after watching that clip and I highly recommend just watching that line to get the full effect.

Why, for the love of God, are we bringing up Shannon again??!! She didn't even really come up during Eddie's PTSD arc but we're just gonna randomly insert her in a episode sort of about death?? Of course we are because KR has literally no new ideas. Oh except for this season where she's like "You know what hasn't been done yet?? We haven't emphasized importance of family by blood so we'll redeem all the horrible parents with zero effort to let everyone know your grudges are petty and just hurt you." You know why that hasn't been done Kristen??!! Because this is a show about FOUND family, realizing your importance and worth in a space that's safe for you to do that, and having the support you need when the bad times come!! She has actually forgotten the very foundation of this show and I'd scream but I'm also so, so tired. You know what time it is then 🍸🍸🍸. Gonna read comfort fic and find a comfort show to put on when that gets hard. Cheers friend!!

Bestieeeee! What. The fuck. Is happening?! I didn't answer this Friday and I should have because yesterday was a WHOLE other mess! I feel so bad for dragging you into this show just in time for it to all go to shit. We survived RNM, we don't deserve to suffer like this again! 😩😩😩

Your "KR has literally no new ideas" line is SO apt after that clip yesterday literally recycling the eddieana meeting. Parallels can be used and be effective but after she literally just re-did Buck's fight with Bobby over returning to work with Eddie (only to not show their apology or Eddie's decision to return to work on screen), and re-did Eddie's "it's time to get back out there after Shannon and figure out what you want") s4 arc last week, this "Buck meets a girl on a call in the exact same way Eddie met Ana" just looks...so so so lazy. Not to mention Buck and Eddie are only ever with women after they meet them on calls, AND we are reverting Buck back to season 1 "a relationship with THIS women must be able to fix me" which is just...gross. Buck was always one of my favorite characters but GOD I dread his personal scenes now because KR just doesn't know what to do with him unless it's trying to get into his pants in some way and she doesn't understand any of the motivations or what drives him as a character. Stop ruining my boy!! GOD I need her off this show like, YESTERDAY.

ANYWAY

This whole Shannon thing has me so 🙄🙄🙄 because as good as Ryan and Gavin are and Eddie/Chris scenes always are because they play so well off each other, this is like, the LEAST interesting thing they could have done and it's clearly not about Chris or Eddie or their complicated history with Shannon, it's just being used to push the "Eddie choosing someone to date for himself" idea. They could have given something deep and emotional this season like Chris now being old enough to start asking harder questions about Shannon leaving and Eddie trying to navigate that with him, or having a talk about Chris starting to be interested in dating and asking Eddie some hard questions about why Eddie isn't dating again since Ana has been gone for so long. But nope! It's "let's pretend this parent never did anything awful and there are zero complex feelings about them" hours once again. Thanks, I HATE it. And for me it ruins the nuance of Shannon's character because she WAS just a person who was struggling. But where Eddie thought his son didn't need *him* so much as he needed Eddie to provide for him and once he found out Chris just wanted to spend time WITH him he fought tooth and nail to make it work no matter how hard, Shannon decided it was too much and cut off all contact because keeping in touch with her son and making sure he knew he was loved wasn't as important as her not wanting to be put in an awkward position. And that's life! And Chris and Eddie should be allowed to acknowledge that they loved her at some point, Chris should be allowed to have good memories of his mom, and still be allowed to acknowledge that she abandoned them and hurt them deeply and there are complex feelings around that!

These complex parental relationships leading to the found family of the 118 has ALWAYS been at the heart of the show and you're right that KR has NEVER understood that and has spent this season undermining that bond across the whole team and any time the story tries to emphasize the found family it's also still pushing the blood family importance so the storytelling comes out confused and in opposition to itself giving the audience emotional whiplash. I'm just so very very tired of this. I'm positive it's too much to hope for but with audiences tuning out and the constant complaints at how the show is handling arcs and pacing and KR's choices, and even now articles by people who often write about 911 calling out the inconsistencies, maybe the negotiations for renewal will come with some stipulations on who gets to be in charge. Even if I didn't love EVERY storyline choice in the early seasons, the episodes themselves were ALWAYS enjoyable overall and there was so much good stuff going on it was easy to let the stuff I didn't like as much roll past, so it would be good to get back to that sort of vibe again and KR has proved over several seasons that she is NOT up to that task. With the Tarlos wedding wrapped up, we might get...I don't want to say "lucky" because I don't think Tim is the greatest thing ever, but we might get some bit of pacing and consistency and flow back in the show (I know LS has some pacing issues as well but that feels to me more like them having to work around RL's insistence on centricity than anything else)

Oof. Lets see if we can make it through these last few episodes with this dating nonsense, the sperm donor arc and L coming back, and maybe even a Tay Kay jumpscare. Can't wait 🙄 At least Ravi is back home and the finale emergency looks like it will be good and we're getting injured Chim so we're going to get *some* crumbs out of this mess. And then it will be summer and I've got a fic idea started soooo, we'll see if I can get anywhere with my astronaut!Buck, NASA medic!Eddie Countdowns inspired thingy. Cheers my friend, we are going to NEED IT. (But hey, if we survived RNM, we can do ANYTHING. But also we shouldn't have to and I need this show to STOP IT.) 🍹🍹🍹🍹🍹🍹🍹

[sehodreamsthoughts]

noo i don’t think ur wrong for that, in my opinion fanfiction as an interesting… is just a very grey area type of thing in general, and if u don’t like reading sexual wlw fics (with idols) then like, u shouldn’t be made to do that lol… i get it. tbh i don’t rly read female idol fics, i like a few girl groups that i keep up with and 2 girls that come to mind that i really like are chaeryoung (itzy) and nayoung (lightsum)… like they just give me butterflies lmaooo but like i don’t even rly see them in that much of a sexual way but it’s def like a gay way.. i sound insane but again, i fear you understand me😔😔😔 but bottom line, if ur not into smth in fics.. that’s fine. it would be weird if ppl were like “u have to read [fic genre]!!!!” lmfaoo

i had a slight issue when i started reading fics again with toxic and noncon stuff and honestly i still read things sometimes and am just like… wtf is wrong with ppl😳😳 but i also understand this is meant to be a safe space and it’s all fiction and sending hateful messages to people is not productive so if i don’t like smth i just don’t continue reading it or try to avoid fics with similar content lol.. something more ppl should do! but i obviously like toxic headcanons and such now but it’s.. fiction, it’s like,, a roleplay almost it’s like a story and it’s not something i would ever want to experience irl.. and i think it’s just one of those things that if u get it, u get it and if u don’t, u don’t.

im also slowly starting to understand more and more the idea of dark fic content as a coping mechanism, and i think that’s really cool. it’s definitely not for everyone and that’s okay! but again, if it’s not for u, don’t do it, simple as that.

i don’t want to turn ur inbox into a soapbox or whatever the expression is, so chubby chaser jake time! im just making excuses to talk about chubby!reader but of course this is ur blog though and i like talking to u so if u ever did want to talk more about such topics im down!! im just getting myself away from going on a tangent atm

jake would 100% think it’s really hot if ur collarbones weren’t visible at all because of how soft u were🤭🤭 would go crazy for the arm pudge that sticks out from your sleeves, being pushed outwards by your bra wiring.. and if you lift your arms up and your shirt rides up to expose the underside of your tummy, it’s over for him<333 he looks so soft n sweet in the new enha concept pics.. need that jake to be an obsessed loser boy… again, going dark mode, thinking about him masturbating at home to pictures of u on social media thinking about getting his hands on your soft squishy body and making u all his :((((

- 🥟 anon

Bro that girl from itzy is sooooo pretty, i honestly can't understand how some people call her ugly??? but yeah, fanfiction is full of grey areas and of course I'm not forcing myself to read a type of fiction I don't enjoy. Still, I'm afraid I could be also be categorized with those guys that have the madonna-whore complex which is the only thing I'm scared 😭 I understand that is not a requirement for me or any human to sexualize people. Still, at the same time I hate that my aversion for reading fics with real women idols as lovers could also be seen as a way to project them as people that shouldn't be seen in a sexual light when all women are individuals who deserve feeling pleasure too (okay maybe right now I sound crazy but I swear I have many things in my mind that I can connect with this idea I have). Well, in the end I know that I'm not having any kind of real relationship with them so not the world or any person will be affected by the fact that I don't enjoy that kind of content, I'm just an overthinker who reads and feels too much 😭😭😭

Also, sure people can enjoy any kind of content while not harming others. Personally, I love death dove do not eat, dubcon, noncon, etc, and it's totally okay to see dark fiction as a coping mechanism, but I don't think that is the only reason why people enjoy it or should base liking dark content (not that you said this, it's just a little thing I've had in my head). People, like I said, can like anything they want, and dark fanfiction it's all words and no real act of harm, and writers, and readers, being real individuals in a society with values to coexist, should understand what is correct or not in real life, and we can't control people by hiding or creating certain a kind of content, if they want to find something, they're going to do it, whether is on tumblr, ao3 or any other platform. Also, I find it dumb how the people who go out to defend the morality of fanfiction (not only with dark content but with smut in general) are also the ones sending a ton of hate to people who do enjoy it as if they had a special spot in heaven to fight for 😭. (sorry I'm half asleep so maybe I don't make any sense and I'm just blabbering, I can talk about nothing and just keep and keep going)

CHANGING SUBJECTS, JAKE WITH CHUBBY!READER... I can't lie, the last concept pictures are fucking good. I love the lightning, the palette, THE PICTURE OF HIM UNDER THE TABLE WITH THOSE GLASSES???? It's totally dark fic potential. I can't help but imagine obsessed!coworker!Jake hiding in the weirdest places to spy on you. Jake going under the desk and looking up at you with those puppy eyes and those glasses begging to eat you out. So pervert!Jake too, tilting his glasses and maybe sometimes his eye twitching?! (that maybe sounds insane but with that pretty smile I imagine him looking at your mouth when you talk, his eye twitching and then moving his eyes down to your chest, pretending is because of something he can't control 😭). AND THE SHIRT THAT RIDES UP, ARE WE THINKING THE SAME??? Maybe loser!Jake working in a store with you and asking you to help him accommodate things up just to see your uniform moving with your movements 😭- this boy would totally make something sick too, maybe masturbating with pictures he took of you while you were in the changing room, or what if he's a manager... asking for some help after the end of a shift and convincing you to open your legs for him if you want that special help from him with your schedule since you have an important exam 🥺, oh but, also, if he feels like being kind to you because he likes you a lot, he won't try to fuck you, not at all, yeah, Jake is such a respectful boy, he only wants to see your plushy legs and maybe for you to show him your pretty ass to then slid his cock between your thick thighs... and maybe you could get used to the extra help too, telling him that he could slip inside if he gives you extra vacations day too...

[keefwho]

May 21 - 2024 Tuesday

10:24pm

5.5/10

Today I deliberately tried not to think about things too much since I overthink, as discussed with my therapist. Journaling at the end of the day is my designated period to do my thinking and noticing. Also in the shower.

This morning I put away my clean laundry and tore up the boxes I had laying around so I could use them to start fires in the fire pit. I also dumped the last 2 cheerwine's I got my mom for her birthday about 2 years ago. I don't think they go "bad" but they are way past their shelf life. All because mom couldn't remember I had them safely stored over here for her. Over time I've noticed her becoming more forgetful so thats a thing that could be serious, but inevitable. I took a hot and steamy shower and made oatmeal, eggs, and spam for breakfast. I had to speedrun it since I took too long in the shower but that meant I didn't overcook my eggs like usual. They came out perfectly.

For warmups today I sketched cats because I want to make art of an alien cat in anguish due to this song we've heard on stream multiple times. It sounds like a wailing cat in space so we made up a whole scene for it. Then I worked on that comic commission for just about 2 hours on the dot and finished it, putting me ahead a couple of days. Now I can focus on SZ's commission and do it justice. Same with the monthly Venus idea from my special patron.

After stream I did my dishes and planned to workout since I just got my kneebrace in. So I did my situps and got my treadmill out. I was confident at first but after my first attempt at jogging, the pain was already kicking in strong. I had to stop. One side of the handlebar on my treadmill popped out at the base too, this thing is REALLY bad and it has inflated reviews on Amazon due to a special discount you can get if you rate it highly. I wish I had returned it awhile back. I looked up what my knee problem is like and it might be runner's knee which may or may not suck. It might just need more rest, it does feel like an injury but one that needs a long time to heal properly. Doesn't help that I already pushed through the pain so much. I took another hot steamy shower. I turned the lights off and let myself enjoyed physical sensations for awhile. At some point I was hunched over with my hands on the wall with extra hot water running down my arms and down my sides. I enjoyed that.

I made tuna spaghetti for lunch. I tried a slightly different method where I cook the spaghetti normally and then add the tuna and stuff afterwards. I might be onto something but I overcooked the spaghetti this time. I watched a trackmania stream while I cooked and ate which I was really into. I also splurged with a little chocolate pudding cup and snacked on cheetos while I worked.

I had to look up bound pregnant women for reference today. I historically am not a fan of pregnancy visually but today I felt a bit different. I found it appealing that I could knock up the love of my life and tie her up in bondage, consensually of course. It got me a little flustered. Anyways the art request came out okay and then I worked on a pic of DS's horse sona for an hour. I was on and off with how diligently I was working, I started to feel sluggish and unengaged. But I got it done. I only worked about 30 minutes on my pony avatar today, trying to experiment with a different kind of eyes. I sent it to DS for her opinion and she thought it looked too silly which it did. I'm gonna have to keep reaching out because I'm definitely losing my ability to judge it properly given how much Im working on it.

When work was over, I was at a loss for what to do. I spent some time watching more of that trackmania stream and then Elden Ring to wind my brain down. I curled up in my hoodie and just watched for awhile. I got stressed this evening because I wasn't engaged with anything and I also didn't want to default to mental problem solving. Part of me was also waiting for some social engagement despite not communicating my expectations or desires so I knew I couldn't be upset about it but I still sorta wasted my energy just waiting. I did a little bit of private journaling and eventually sort chilled out. DS called me in bed and we did our puzzles. I asked the usual questions I like to know like how her day was and how she's feeling but I didn't have much else to contribute at first. I hate being mentally stuck or burnt out because of how hard it makes it to just talk. The important thing I kept in mind was not to talk about anything too serious or heavy since I'm deliberately trying not to do that. While she passed out I played Minecraft for an hour and made furniture for my first snowman house. I also started the much needed mine.

The first part of today went pretty well but the evening deteriorated as my mental capacity diminished. I did a good job during lunch to actually relax though. I think it's going to take some practice reducing the amount I think about things but I think it'll pay off. I kept in mind what my therapist suggested, making sure I notice when I start to overthink so I can be aware of it. I also took a couple minutes at my worst to practice one of the self exercises. Today's topic was Self and my Costar app said "Be gentle" and and didn't really know what to do about that.