#don't even get me STARTED on his century trilogy

[bookishdaze]

Greek Mythology in Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes

How will Noa's story be remembered by future generations of apes?

Caesar is remembered by the apes as a sort of mythic, god-like figure. An ape whose story has been passed down for generations to the point where many apes are familiar with the legend of Caesar, even if the true story has been distorted throughout time.

The movies utilize famous myths, legends, and stories that we are all familiar with, or have at least heard of, to create the legend of Caesar, and now Noa.

In the Caesar trilogy, Caesar is a Moses figure for the apes, who we know freed his people, taking them to the promised lands. We should all at least recognize the name Hamlet, one of Shakespeare's plays, that Dawn is loosely based on. In some versions, the angel Lucifer rebelled against God because he refused to bow down to mankind. In Dawn, Koba rebelled against Caesar because he refused to help humans, or mankind. And we all know what happened to Lucifer after betraying God.

We know these stories. They're familiar, even now that they're hundreds or thousands of years old.

So what famous stories will the writers use so that Noa's story is remembered by apes centuries later?

Well, Kingdom had an ape named Noa, who saved his people from a flood, and there was even a giant boat in the background. Okay, Noah and the Flood. That one's obvious.

What about some Greek mythology?

The Myth of Icarus and Daedalus

If you don't know how the myth of Icarus and Daedalus goes, there's still a very good chance you've heard of the saying, "He flew too close to the sun."

In a very brief nutshell, Daedalus, an inventor, built some wings for him and his son, Icarus. They put on these wings to fly away and escape King Minos, who is holding them prisoner. Daedalus warns his son not to fly too close to the sun because the wax will melt, but Icarus doesn't listen, and he falls to his death.

I found some similarities to the myth of Icarus and Daedalus in Kingdom. Whether this is what the writers actually intended or not, I don't know for sure, but this is mainly for fun, and I wanted to share!

Before I get started, I want to thank @iamtotallycool because she pointed out similarities to other Greek myths after I shared with her my initial thoughts, and I will later point out which ones she came up with. Thank you for listening to my ramblings on discord, lol.

Noa as Icarus

Noa reminds me of Icarus, the man who flew too high and fell to his death. Noa is the first to climb above Top Nest, so this means he went higher than any of the other apes in his clan. He is soaring above the others, reaching new and dangerous heights.

Noa decides to go higher, wonderfully displaying his ingenuity by using some old rebar to swing himself up a wall that should've been impossible to climb. This reminds me of Daedalus using his inventions to help him fly, something considered impossible.

But after Noa reaches the nest, higher than any ape before him, what happens right after? He falls.

In a deleted scene after the egg climb, Soona tells Noa that since he is the first above Top Nest, that makes him special, and maybe his eagle will be sun-colored, like his father's eagle, Sun.

And right after Noa literally falls into Raka's home, the wise orangutan says to himself in amusement:

"Apes falling from the sky."

Here's a fun detail. Remember that mural Noa looks at? On the far left side, if you squint, you can see a person with wings.

I actually have a theory as to how Noa could fly in future movies that I'll link at the end!

Noa as Daedalus

Not only does Noa remind me of Icarus, but he also reminds me of Daedalus. Daedalus was a skillful architect and inventor, who built the Labyrinth for King Minos, where the legendary Minotaur lived.

We see the beginnings of Noa's architect side. He stays up late at night to fix both the fish rack and the electric staff. When Proximus (King Minos) learns of how Noa (Daedalus) fixed the staff, he tells Noa that he has use for clever apes like him, as if he wanted to use Noa's intelligence to help him achieve instant eeevolution. This reminds me of how King Minos uses Daedalus' intelligence to build him the Labyrinth.

And just like Daedalus who built the wings to escape King Minos, Noa devises a plan to flood the vault for him and Eagle Clan to escape Proximus.

Trevathan is also like Daedalus in this story, who is trapped by the king, building and creating for him. Daedalus built the Labyrinth for King Minos, and Trevathan built the electric staffs for Proximus.

Fathers and Sons

Daedalus warns his son to be careful. To not fly too low, for the water will get his wings wet, and to not fly too high, for the sun will melt the wax from his wings. But Icarus doesn't listen, rushing to surpass the father.

This reminds me of how Noa feels a lot of pressure from his father Koro, wanting to make his father proud by telling him that he was the only one of his friends who climbed above Top Nest. Instead of praise, however, Koro reprimands him for breaking some other rule, telling him to stay away from where he is forbidden to go.

Theseus and the Labyrinth

@iamtotallycool pointed out how Kingdom also has similarities to the myth of Theseus, the Labyrinth, and the Minotaur.

The Labyrinth is an underground maze on the island of Crete where the monstrous Minotaur lives. Every year, King Minos requires sacrifices from other kingdoms for the Minotaur to eat. Theseus, son of King Aegeus, sets out to kill the Minotaur. Princess Ariadne, King Minos' daughter, helps Theseus to navigate the Labyrinth, and gives him a ball of yarn to help him make his way back so he doesn't get lost.

This reminds me of how Proximus (King Minos) steals clans (the sacrifices) for the expansion of his kingdom and to get the vault open, so Noa (Theseus) uses the help of Mae (Ariadne) to navigate the vault (Labyrinth) in order to destroy what is inside (Minotaur).

During the scene where Noa and Sylva have their final battle, Noa has to run through the twists and turns of the vault, similar to a maze, while he is being chased by Sylva, similar to how the Minotaur battled Theseus. Sylva is even big and burly like the Minotaur!

Ok, So What Does This Mean?

Alright, so now that we pointed out some of the similarities, what could this all mean? It's one thing to point out the similarities, but why these stories in particular? What is the message? What could this mean for Noa? Assuming this is even what the writers intended, we can only speculate, so this final bit is mainly fun theorizing.

Due to his hubris, Icarus flies too close to the sun, leading to his death. Could Noa develop his own hubris that leads him to his downfall, or takes him down a darker path?

The myth of Icarus can also be seen as a cautionary tale of the dangers of technology if not used carefully. Technology can be useful and improve lives, but what if it falls into the wrong hands? What if one is too overconfident with it, not realizing the bad it can do before it's too late?

Proximus couldn't get his hands on human technology, for he would've used it to hurt other apes. What about Noa, though? Now that Noa starts to learn how human tech like electricity works, what if he starts to bring forth technological innovations for the apes? What if he starts out trying to use it to improve the lives of apes, but he ends up using it for bad? Or what if other apes take his ideas and use it for their own advantage? The path to hell is paved with good intentions, as they say.

And this one's more for fun, but what if Noa were to actually fly? If you wanna read more of my ramblings, here is my theory on Noa taking flight. (Hint: It involves airplanes).

In Conclusion

If you made it all the way to the end, thank you for reading! I had a lot of fun coming up with these ideas and speculating, and I hope you had fun reading this as well. If you have any thoughts or ideas, feel free to share!

[thiefcats]

Why you aren't, but should be shipping Mihawk and Perona together, an essay.

First of all, Perona and Mihawk are adults. When they met, Perona was 23 and Mihawk was 41. Yes, this is an eighteen year age gap, but I want to start with this because it's the primary reason I see for people not liking the ship. After two-three years living under the same roof, by the time Perona leaves to go find Moria she is 25-26 and he is 43-44 (depending on how long you believe is sailing time between arcs and when their birthdays may fall between the time Zoro was dropped off at Sabaody and the summit at Mariejois took place. 

Let's pretend for a moment Mihawk really is a vampire. This means one of two things, either he died at 41 and is actually centuries old, or he became a vampire sometime in his 20s and is legit 44-45 years old. Either way, Mihawk comes off as extremely old fashioned in the way he talks, the way he dresses. I would say he, like Perona, is a gothic romantic. Romantics tend to put their other passions first in favor of actual romance, keeping this in mind this would indicate that like many handsome dark brooding autistic men before him (the good ol' Darcy type) he has put romance on the wayside because he wants a love that is real. This is not an uncommon romantic trope amongst gothic romantic and vampire lovers and generally stories with immortals. 

Often in fiction and romance novels the centuries old immortal is paired with a mortal (usually completely human) woman between 18-35. This type of romantic man has waited centuries for the right person they could form a lasting bond with and has not had much experience with actual love, if at all. For a few examples: ACATOR series Feyre and Rhys got together when Feyre was 20, and before that she was even younger with her first faerie boyfriend. In All Souls Trilogy Diana is suggested to be in her late 20s/early 30s and Matthew is pretty much old as dirt. In the Twilight Series Bella was 17 when she met Edward, who was 104.  These are a trope for a reason, and when done right it’s a pretty good trope. 

I'm going to include an incredibly unpopular opinion here, but "Goth Fam" is weird and here's why. While amusing in theory, portraying two grown adults and another grown adult as children and one adult is incredibly infantilizing. I won't disagree Zoro and Perona have a very close relationship where Perona especially is seen taking care of and is incredibly protective of him, I don't see where this necessarily makes them sibling coded (the same way I don't think Nami and Zoro are sibling coded). I won't get into that in more detail here about my thoughts on Zoro and Perona, but here's my hot take. 

Both Zoro and Perona are incredibly autistic coded, which makes drawing them drawn as children with Mihawk incredibly cringe. Mihawk did not know Zoro and Perona as anything but adults and does not get a right to claim either of them as his children unless they offer that up first. We never see either one of them directly call Mihawk a father figure. 

A 5’3, petite queen, the way Perona dresses and wears her hair is a fashion statement. I don't think she would like being portrayed as an actual child. Post-time skip she even has a tattoo on her arm the same place Nami’s tattoo is placed on her left arm, permanently branding herself and displaying her loyalty as a Thriller Bark Pirate. Perona does not need another father figure, she has not only Moria, but multiple other male figures in her life from her crew more rightful to the claim of being a parental figure than Mihawk does.

I think some people take the title ghost princess too seriously. Do not get it wrong, Perona is Moria's Ghost Princess and has been a pirate since she was presumably a child. Of course her epitaph is ghost princess. But if you see the way she is treated by Moria, he lets her run the place. There's signs of her everywhere, she shows up to his meeting like lol boring you woke me up for this? He lets her have a pick of whatever servant she wants and I'm pretty sure she has Thriller Bark’s master bedroom. She's like Regina George meets Usagi meets a pastel goth pirate. 

This also brings me to Mihawk calling Perona "musume". I think Mihawk calling her "gosuto musume", just like her epitaph, is taken too literally. In the modern context, this might mean daughter, but we've already established nothing about Mihawk is modern. One Piece itself is supposed to be 1500s if we're going to get super technical. 

Not only is Mihawk incredibly proper, but he's also a piece of shit. This is the same guy that called Zoro a little green froggy when they first met just to get a rise out of him. We only see him calling her this once, and this was presumably days after they met (a week or two tops). Immediately after she's called this, Perona yells at Mihawk not to give her orders. Contextually, this could be taken that he's giving her a backhanded compliment for appearing youthful, a lot like calling someone "auntie" might be taken as offense to the wrong person, which would indicate he's trying to get a rise out of her and it worked 

When they first meet, it does not go too well. Perona was already incredibly lonely to begin with before Zoro was dropped onto the island, she had taken care of his wounds for days on end and spent at least a week playing hide the swords so she had someone to keep her company. Meanwhile Mihawk is mildly irritated his quiet castle has uninvited guests and Perona's demands of him, his blasé attitude towards Zoro going out and trying to get himself killed has Perona deciding that he's heartless and she doesn't want to be alone with him.

Somewhere within two years, this changed. Not only does Perona go back to the island after seeing to it that Zoro didn't get lost trying to find his own damn ship, but when it's time to go we get a glimpse of what kind of life they've lived without Zoro around. If she couldn't stand him, that would have been the perfect time to go. 

Instead, we see that they have high respect for one another enough to take care of each other. To me, this bickering between them about what they did together isn't a conversation between a father and a daughter, it's a lover's quarrel. 

This is your typical “old married couple” banter. She’s saying "you never liked my father and you're ungrateful" and he's saying back that she's the ungrateful one because he's done more than enough for her in return to prove he does care.

I think Perona is trying to start a fight here, to protect her own heart so that she can leave on hostile terms and this bastard reels her right back in with just a few words. 

When Mihawk says this, there's a pause in the music from the silly arguing background, to this soft romantic beat, much like one might see in a romantic anime or drama when the couple are having a moment of intense feelings for one another.

Mihawk actually doesn't say much at all, but Perona knows his meaning immediately that if he didn't care for her in any way, he wouldn't have said anything at all.

Perona's personal style has changed a lot in the last two years. She no longer wears her hair in pigtails and appears in a younger style. If anything, it looks like her personal style is heavily influenced by Mihawk's in romantic black, whites and reds. She hung up her crown (presumably because she was under the impression Miria was very likely dead and he was the reason she was a proper princess). Her hat in particular is very much the female version of his, featuring white roses instead of a big fluffy feather. Red lining and all.

Hats in One Piece are so important, and I personally love the idea of him gifting her a hat to make her feel better about hanging up her crown (or because she was stealing his- one of my favorite headcanons).

[msmargaretmurry]

hi i’m sorry super random question — i love your writing, and i was wondering if you had any fav books to recommend? i’m trying to read more lately!! thank you so much!!! 💖

no apologies necessary and thank you so much!! yay for reading more! i have so many books i love and usually i would try to tailor recommendations to someone's interests so i will just try to give a little smorgasbord here.

under the cut please find a very long list of recs; i hope there are a few that sound appealing to you! if there are things you like to have content warnings for and can't tell from the goodreads listing, feel free to message me to ask! 💕

literary/contemporary fiction

beartown by fredrik backman: this is the hockey novel, imo. somehow backman captures everything hockey is — violence, entitlement, racism, privilege, misogyny — while still writing a breathtaking story about people who love the sport and people who unwillingly get caught up in its wake. there are two sequels, which i haven't read yet solely because i'm afraid of how many feelings they'll make me feel.

the secret history by donna tartt: yes, the og dark academia book. moody, atmospheric, and pretentious, i feel like it's a you-love-it-or-hate-it, and i love it. a delicious critique of elitist academia even while filled with morsels for classics-loving nerds. fantastic, deeply fucked-up characters.

station eleven by emily st john mandell: not sure if reading this during a pandemic was the best idea, but it certainly added something to the experience. i love emily st john mandell's prose, and the post-pandemic-apocalypse world she builds feels simultaneously fantastical and painfully real.

evvie drake starts over by linda holmes: this is the perfect example of what i want in a contemporary romance novel. deeply character-driven, sweet, achy, lovely.

historical fiction

in memoriam by alice winn: oh man oh man. we read this one for book club last month and it blew me away. brutal, devastating, romantic.

how much of these hills is gold by c pam zhang: really loved how this book brought a new lens to the American western/frontier story, loved how it blended Chinese mythology into the story, loved how it unflinchingly did race and gender in ways that felt both illuminating and historically true.

the island of sea women by lisa see: i love lisa see's historical fiction because she does a shitload of research and weaves it into her stories in ways that don't feel like infodumping. on top of her being an excellent writer, i always feel like i've learned something.

the book thief by markus zusak: just a masterclass in point of view. made me ugly cry in public.

the nickel boys by colson whitehead: i mean, colson whitehead is just so good. harrowing, atmospheric, and smart, the characters and story feel absolutely real in the best and worst ways.

fantasy/sci-fi

the radiant emperor duology by shelley parker-chan: man, this duology is one of the best fucking things i've read in the past few years. kind of an alternate-history 14th-century china, now with more magic and more gender. brutal and delicious. morally gray everything.

the farseer trilogy and the liveship traders trilogy by robin hobb: these were my favorite books as a teen and i've recently been rereading them (i'm finally on the third book of the second trilogy!) and having such a good time. structurally they're very classic high fantasy but i think hobb is so fucking good at worldbuilding and characters.

the left hand of darkness by ursula k. leguin: look, it's a classic for a reason! i will say if you start it and you feel kind of lost: stick with it, slow down, and be patient. the pov character is a stranger in a strange land and you feel every bit of that. another masterclass in point of view.

tuyo by rachel neumeier: i love reccing this book because it's just a random self-published fantasy novel that one of the gals in my book club found somehow and it wound up being super fun? the worldbuilding is fun, the culture clash is tense (and fun), and i feel like the concept of a "tuyo" could do numbers as a fanfic trope if people got on board!

the thief by megan whalen turner: another great book for pov!!! just a really fun and satisfying read (and pretty short, if you need something short!). the rest of the series is also very good and worth reading but none of it hit quite as hard for me as this first book, possibly because the first book is just so excellent.

young adult/middle grade

on the come up by angie thomas: this is specifically an audiobook rec. i'm sure this book is also good reading with your eyes, but it's about a teen girl who wants to be a rapper, and i think being able to hear the rhythm of the language, esp the rapping itself, makes for a fantastic audiobook experience.

the westing game by ellen raskin: another classic for a reason!! one of the smartest books out there, a joy to read for the first time at any age.

michigan vs the boys by carrie s. allen: the thing is, i usually i find first person present tense so annoying it's nigh unreadable, but i found this book about a teen girl having to play on her high school's boys' hockey team after they cut funding to the girls' program so charming and compulsively readable. bonus points that the author really knows her hockey!

darius the great is not okay by adib khorram: even just thinking about this book puts a lump in my throat lmao. just a beautiful coming of age story that deals with identity and depression and belonging and family and more.

the loneliest girl in the universe by lauren james: pretty sure i tore through this book in one sitting. great sci-fi setting and sense of creeping dread.

a wrinkle in time by madeleine l'engle: another classic for a reason, lol. including it on this list because it is actually my favorite book. l'engle has such a special touch with writing — it's so full of heart. as a kid one of the things i loved about this book was that it didn't dumb any of its sophisticated worldbuilding and characterization down for me, which i think is a great lesson for a writer.

memoir-ish

they can't kill us until they kills us by hanif abdurraqib: hanif is the GOAT and i recommend anything he's written, but this book of essays about music, culture, and hanif's life is easily my favorite of his work.

a ghost in the throat by doireann ní ghríofa: stunningly original mix of personal essay, poetry, history — i'm not even sure how to describe it. but it floored me.

in the dream house by carmen maria machado: speaking of creeping dread!!! many people have said many smart things about how good this book is so i will simply say they are all extremely correct.

sports nonfiction

the boys in the boat by daniel james brown: a gorgeously written love letter to rowing juxtaposed hauntingly against the rise of hitler. i have not seen the movie, but there's no way it could be as good as the book.

bottom of the 33rd by dan barry: possibly this is a baseball book for baseball people, but i loved every meandering moment of this lovingly written microhistory of the longest baseball game ever played.

the last best league by jim collins: another baseball book, sorry, baseball books are so good. this one's about the amateur league on cape cod where the best college players play in the summer. a great august read imo.

impossible owls: essays by brian phillips: a sprawling book of sportswriting from a former grantland writer. i read it five years ago and still think about it sometimes

other nonfiction

forget the alamo by bryan burrough, chris tomlinson, & jason standford: i made myself pick only ONE history nonfiction for this list because otherwise we'd be here all day. but this one is so good, especially if you're interested in the making and unmaking of american mythology.

empire of pain by patrick radden keefe: i do actually recommend anything prk writes, but this book on the sacklers' evil pharmaceutical empire is both timely and exhaustively reported. another audiobook rec as well, because prk reads it himself and you can hear the disdain in his voice.

because internet: understanding the new rules of language by gretchen mcculloch: really fun read about the development of online dialect and language! at five entire years old it's already a smidge out of date, but still so enjoyable.

[astriiformes]

hello!! this is kit. happy birthday!!! you don't have to answer all of these but

🎞️if you could change one scene from any of the movies, which one would you change and how?

⏲️what time period would you want marty to travel to and what would you want him to do? for fun or for something serious?

💫if you have any bttf related wips, here's the oppurtunity to ramble about them! (<-PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLSEPLSPEL)

Thank you!!

🎞️ - If you could change one scene from any of the movies, which one would you change and how?

Oof, just one scene is difficult, because the thing I'd like to change most would be how Jennifer's plot was handled in the second movie, and that requires a bit more overhauling. I think you could still make it better with a little tweaking though -- maybe she doesn't get knocked out and is simply told to stay watch the DeLorean, which still ends up being a problem when she tries to lure someone away from it, or something like that.

I guess that still modifies more like two scenes, but you get the idea! Anything to make her feel like she's got a little more agency. Because I like her a lot and it bothers me that the BttF movies aren't even that terrible at writing women (Lorraine and Clara are both really interesting characters!), but sidelined her anyways.

⏲️- What time period would you want Marty to travel to and what would you want him to do? For fun or for something serious?

Already answered this one but since there are plenty of time periods to choose from I will simply pick another. As someone who studies the history of science, I think that Doc and Marty could get up to some peak shenanigans in Enlightenment-era America (thinking late 18th and early 19th century here) when everyone was obsessed with the phenomena of electricity. I want to unleash Doc Brown on the people that thought lightning rods defied the will of God.

💫- If you have any BttF related WIPs, here's the opportunity to ramble about them!

OH BOY DO I

So, four years ago I started a diptych of stories I am yet to finish but that are some of the fics nearest and dearest to my heart, surrounding the idea of Marty being transgender. (I once called them my love-letter to transmasculinity, which is a little dramatic, but genuinely a bit how I feel about them)

The first is from Doc's perspective, and deals with the fact that, when Marty was first born, the version of him who'd been visited by 17 year-old Marty back in 1955 must've had an absolute heart attack at first. It features a very confused Doc and (eventually) a younger Marty figuring some important things out about himself, and is probably about half-written at uh. Almost 9k words.

The second, companion piece is from Marty's perspective, and set post-trilogy, dealing with him navigating questions of identity as someone who is trans and who now grew up in a different timeline. It follows his relationships with the important people in his life, his dueling existential crises, and the isolating feeling that maybe there's no one who understands you in the entire world -- and the relief that comes from learning that you're wrong.

I've done a truly monster amount of research for these fics--including having a librarian friend help me track down digitized historical documents during lockdown back in 2020--and am contemplating diving into the historical queer archive where I currently work for a second round, though we'll see what I can find. Regardless, I really want to finally finish these stories now that I've circled back around to having a lot of Back to the Future feelings again.

(Also to show the BttF fandom that I'm a much better writer when I'm not churning out only-mildly-edited 1-2k fics every day for a writing challenge, rip, although I'm honored people have been enjoying those ones, too! Just, you know. I can do better.)

[leupagus]

I've never had a mystery plot so completely mapped out in my head that was so secondary to the actual Plot of a fic, please ask me all the questions about Oscar Underwood and Matthew Lannisford

(This is more of the conclusion to the Shipping Forecast trilogy, which at least now I have the excuse that I've been acting parent to my nephews this week and good lord jesus children are exhausting, how Ellie manages her kids AND managing Hardy is a mystery for the ages)

~

They duck back into her car just as the rain really starts in, hitting the roof and the windshield like a million angry football hooligans after a loss. "Christ, somebody ring Noah," Miller laughs, tugging at her hair elastic. "I think I've got a — yeah, here." She twists round in her seat to pull at something behind her.

Hardy gives her room to half-crawl into the backseat, the bottom of her shirt riding up to show a flash of stomach, the sweet give of her waist. He looks away, toward the house. "Do you think he's lying? About knowing about Underwood and his son?"

"I think," Miller grunts, "That he's been lying to himself for over a decade, and probably longer than that, and at this point it's impossible to tell what he thinks is true and what he doesn't. And of course, what he thinks is true might not even be true. Got it!" she adds, and flops back into her seat with a wrinkled towel. She begins patting gently at her hair, the rain still bright on her cheeks and neck. "This case is like one of those Russian dolls, you know, the wooden ones? Every time you think you've cracked it, there's another one waiting for you."

"Matryoshka," Hardy offers, watching her. Her nose is getting red, the way it always does when she's cold. "Turn the bloody heater on, would you?"

"Fine," she grumbles, and shoves the towel in his face.

"Thanks very much."

"Oh, it's barely damp. And your hair's going to go all sticky-uppy the way you hate if you just let it dry on its own." She turns the ignition and fiddles with the heater; a moment later lukewarm air blasts at their ankles. "God, this bloody car. Can you get me a raise so I can buy something from this century?"

"This is a 2005 Volkswagen," Hardy feels compelled to point out, but obediently scrubs at his scalp.

"So all right, say he's telling the truth, that he had no idea Underwood and Matthew were an item. Back in the 90s, that sort of thing — Matthew might never have said. Fathers and sons and all."

"We're still basing all of this on the idea that they were an item," he says. "There's no proof either way. They could've just been work colleagues."

Miller makes a considering noise. She's staring out through the windscreen, unseeing. "They were both out. Despite what Matthew's dad claims, we know neither of them made a secret about it. In a town like this, back then? Options would be limited."

"So you think they started shagging because they couldn't find anyone better?" Hardy can feel the sharpness in his own voice, but he can't seem to do much about it. The towel is scratchy against his skin, too rough, and smells of her shampoo.

"Maybe, or — I don't know." She doesn't seem fazed by his tone, but then she rarely notices it these days. "Underwood loved someone. Desperately, the sort of love that makes you do desperate things. Before he died, he wrote that letter, hoping whoever it was he loved would find it."

"Meaning what, exactly?" he demands, the towel creaking in his fists.

She turns to look at him, eyes large and dark and horribly beautiful. "Sometimes the right option is the only option you've got," she says, and Hardy can hardly breathe round the stone in his throat. Then she scowls at him, her gaze roving, and snatches the towel back. "You're still dripping, I just got the upholstery cleaned, come here," and she encases his whole head and shoulders in the towel while he protests, rubbing at him like he's a wet dog who'd got mud on the carpet.

"Bloody hell, Miller," he grumbles, once she's done to her satisfaction, and she smiles at him and puts the car into gear, taking them back toward home.

[goblins-riddles-or-frocks]

What would he have made his priorities after being the king? I mean politically? If he had worked at all that is.

GREAT QUESTION it frankly drives me kind of insane that we never get any hint whatsoever about how he’s running the country while he does briefly take over from S&S through R&R. Like what are his POLICIES!! What is he DOING??

But also, realistically, he is not going to cancel wars with the Shadow Fold threat lol. Like that is only the beginning of a really long and drawn out foreign relations catastrophe. I talked about this a little bit in a different context awhile ago but he doesn’t strike me as a character with a firm end goal… ever. There’s always going to be more to do.

But like a civil war is going to fuck up the country no matter what. So I’d assume, regardless, there’s going to be a fair bit of immediate picking up the pieces economically. He doesn’t at all seem like he cares about public opinion, beyond being scary enough so people know not to fuck with him. So he’d probably have no qualms with making drastic and highly unpopular reforms lol.

We really don’t know enough about his stances but he seems to be primarily: a nationalist, an autocrat, prioritizing military strength, distinctly favoring Grisha interests, and also shdhfgfd against industrialization and technological advancement. He also favors the perceived good of the many over the interests and well being of any individual, and is very happy to make sacrifices of many, many lives to achieve fairly petty goals. He's a fantasy fascist basically.

The books somewhat superficially equate him with Russian revolutionary figures. But I don't think there's enough... actual ideology to back that up very much. And rapid industrialization and transitioning the Soviet Union from a primarily agrarian based economy was itself a key part of it? So... he's not much of a Stalin. If we're trying to sus out his policies I could see him being something of an anti Peter the Great, where instead of forced Westernization, you have an incredibly set in his ways immortal autocrat trying to drag everyone back to the values and traditions of his youth. (Which would also make narrative sense, considering Nikolai, as the Darkling-lite foil, seems to have def been based on some aspects of Peter the Great's youth and interest in innovation, if not his personality)

So for example, he seems like he'd favor isolationism. His idea of "peace" is "don't fuck with me or I'll make my monster filled interdimensional rift eat you." And we know Ravka is in intense debt! I could easily see him seizing the nobility's wealth and using it to pay off any debts owed to foreign countries. And then if anything's left over to stockpile resources towards making Ravka more self sufficient. Maybe even melt the gold and silver out of churches to that purpose.

(I forget which historical figure literally melted down church crosses dfghj but that was a thing! iirc incidentally he also stripped the silver from the currency, absolutely destroying its value...)

By RoW he seems to have embraced the entire like religious propaganda side of things. But in the trilogy proper he seems to hate the church. So resources going to it in any way will probs be diverted. And I could even see him gradually trying to repurpose the buildings for other things. They're on the tail end of a civil war, there's probs a lot of displaced people that could be put there for a start.

S&B meanwhile establishes that he has some pretty distinct opinions about how all the Grisha need to pretend to live like peasants so as not to forget their roots or whatever. I think he *would* enact really harsh regulations and reforms on court life just because he hates it so bad lol. Taxes on parties, insane sumptuary laws for everyone but his favored Grisha soldiers. He's had centuries and centuries to hate changing social norms. I think he'd go nuts if given the opportunity to dictate everything. Generally I think there would be a mix of skyrocketing taxes and reforms to an actual purpose (bolstering the economy and stripping material power from the nobility) but also just to be a petty, temperamental autocrat.

Def also criminalizing dissent and making examples of any opposition immediately. Can't have another revolution threatening his revolution. Again, here I'm annoyed by how little the world is fleshed out, because we get nothing about the nobility. Noble families with any sort of longstanding ties or known friendship with the Lantsovs would probs get executed day one. Stripped of titles and lands etc and then taking those and giving them to his own supporters. (Who are they? Good fucking question! He has one Ivan and then even he fucking dies. But realistically... he would have... supporters?)

He'd probs want to get a firmer grip on West Ravka stat, and maybe invest in some military expansion to control more ports. An issue I forever have with the Grishaverse worldbuilding is that it's just so small? There are only like five countries? Trade and foreign policy just aren't going to Look Like That or mimic a nineteenth/twentieth century vibe if there are only five fucking countries dfghjkl but whatever. Whatever.

I could also see him favoring exports over imports. Stopping all trade seems destabilizing af so I doubt he’d go there but seems likely he'd try to decrease any dependency Ravka has on other countries in favor of self sufficiency and isolationism. Maybe taxing imports so bad that it's just not worth it. Regulating the exact details of what can be imported, when, why, etc.

Speaking of the earlier impending foreign relations catastrophe. I think if he’s scary enough he might manage to avoid an all out war on all fronts? Might. Because there’s also a really good case to be made for attacking Ravka while its still weak and reeling from the civil war. But if he’s lucky, the surrounding countries will take a “wait and see” stance. But like there will be consequences eventually. Consider the Shadow Fold an in-universe fantasy nuke in the hands of a power hungry ruler who has zero qualms with any scale of loss of life or just murdering civilians for the lols. He’s proven himself to be unstable and unreasonable so even if there isn’t an immediate declaration of war there is going to be a response to that. No one’s going to be chill!! And like SoC and KoS context tells us that there is parem on the horizon, along with the Grisha super soldiers in Shu Han, the druskelle getting wayyyy more sophisticated and a general trajectory of rapid military industrialization and advancement through out the world. Those are playing pieces that would be on the board regardless, but it’s just going to get so much uglier under those circumstances. And especially with the knowledge and context that the Darkling is completely fucking unreasonable and ready to war crime anyone who looks at him funny.

I guess siding with Fjerda in S&S could hypothetically be advantageous to him here actually? Like we do not know the terms of that alliance at all, and I doubt it would hold for long. But it breaks up the framing of everyone vs Ravka. And opens things up for anyone else to respond by trying to get on his good side against their own enemies. And once again. There are only five countries lmao. So a tense balance of powers situation might be feasible, but I think it would hinge on him not looking like he’s completely insane. Possibly ironic, but the fact that he seems to have only war crimed his own damn country is likely also useful here. Other governments typically don’t care/won’t get involved to a degree of outright declaring war over that. And it leaves some room for arguing that he’s capable of some restraint. So how quickly things go to hell probably depends on whether he goes back on any alliances or makes good on/is cornered into making good on his Shadow Fold threat.

So I don't know, basically I think there's a ton you could extrapolate from his personality, actual world history, and like fascist takeover 101 sdfghj but it's also somewhat unsatisfying to speculate about because it's impossible not to constantly run into thin points in the worldbuilding. But basically I think he would probably rule with an eye for sweeping, harsh reforms, consolidating power, and chipping away at any opposition or potential adversary, with a general decided disinterest in the popularity or lack thereof of any of his policies. And I also think unless someone got him to take a deep breath and chill out for five minutes and relearn the value of diplomacy things would get. how you say. really fucking bad.

This was incredibly unorganized I hope it answered your question at all sdfghj

[ofliterarynature]

MAY 2024 WRAP UP

[loved liked ok nope dnf (reread) bookclub*]

(100 Cupboards) • The Brides of High Hill • Factfulness • Derring-Do for Beginners • Feed Them Silence* • The Murder of Mr. Ma • The Well of Loneliness • A Dreadful Splendor • Drowned Country • Arabella the Traitor of Mars • Silver in the Wood • The Warm Hands of Ghosts • Arabella and the Battle of Venus • Endpapers • Song of Blood & Stone

Arabella and the Battle of Venus/the Traitor of Mars (4.5/4 stars) - a great wrap up to the series! Since learning these are *not* actually YA, I do wish they had a bit more depth and complexity, but they moved quickly and were very fun to read. Traitor was perhaps not my favorite of the lot, but like, it's got space battles, it's got relationship drama, it was still fun. Also featuring a small reoccurring cameo by Dr James Barry!

The Warm Hands of Ghosts (5 stars) - I was very impressed by Arden's ability to write with her Winternight trilogy, even if I wouldn't call it a favorite. I was blown away by this! Is it because it plays to some of my interests? Yes, probably. I've been growing more interested in the turn of the century and WW1, and the way she incorporated the supernatural elements was just what I love, not to mention a well-earned, bittersweet ending. I might have to pick up a copy for myself.

Silver in the Wood (4.5 stars) - I liked it! I might have liked it more if it were longer, but definitely a good read. I think Drowned Country (4.5 stars) was also good in its own right, but not quite satisfying as a sequel. If this turned into a supernatural casebook-type series I'd have been delighted.

A Dreadful Splendor (4 stars) - on one hand, I would call this an excellent gothic novel on the grounds that it didn't irritate me and I enjoyed reading it. On the other, I do keep forgetting that I read it. Make of that what you will, but I'd recommend it if it sounds interesting to you!

The Well of Loneliness (4 stars) - I'll be honest, this only gets 4 stars on the strength of the fact that I did like the first part of it. Young Steven, who's odd and strange and confused about herself; a mother who's upset but oblivious to why; a father who understands exactly what's going on but is too afraid to tell his daughter. It was so compelling (and pushed me to tears, it's true). But the latter half...I just didn't understand adult Steven, I'll be honest, I found her very unlikable and I think I missed the point?

The Murder of Mr. Ma (4 stars) - a Sherlock-and-Watson-esq duo in the Chinese immigrant community of 1920's London, with a good helping of martial arts fighting to go along with it. This felt like a perfectly serviceable mystery that I had no problem reading, but I can't say if I found it particularly compelling. I'm not sure I'd be interested in reading further if this becomes a series.

Feed Them Silence (5 stars) - what a punch from such a small book! Even before I finished it (in tears I might add), I was so impressed, this was such a smart and clever book. And the main character, despite clearly being a mess and not the greatest person, was nonetheless incredibly sympathetic and compelling. Fully recommend, I might have to get myself a copy (and with definitely be checking out the author's other work).

Derring-Do for Beginners (5 stars) - wonderful! I'm mad at the brain weasels not cooperating so that it took me over a year to finally read this - any Victoria book is a lovely book (now I just need to tackle Bone Harp). I don't want to repeat the entire write-up I already posted, but wonderful, sweet, major Circle of Magic/Sandry's Book vibes. A good place for people new to Victoria's work to start.

Factfulness (4 stars) - this was regularly recommended by a podcast that, admittedly, I no longer listen to. But I'd already picked up a free copy, and not enjoying the podcast doesn't mean it's not an important book. First point, you should read this in print, it's chock-full of graphs and charts that will add to the experience. Second, there will be a poll/quiz near the beginning and you should take it and record your answers. I listened to this on audiobook and did neither of these things lmao, and it could have been a better experience. Overall, this seems like it could be a very important book for some people, but I'm not sure I'm the target audience - maybe I'm being overconfident, but I'm a generalist! I like patterns! I'm clinging on to the good in the world for dear life to stay sane! I don't think I found the info the authors shared quite as shocking as they seemed to think I should.

The Brides of High Hill (5 stars) - delightful as always! I really want to go back and reread the earlier Singing Hills books before the next one comes out. Maybe even buy my own copies :D

100 Cupboards (4 stars) - reread this for the first time since middle school! A little dated, but it hasn't aged too poorly! It was also so very rural mid/western america, it was amusing. I did find it a little bland, but it's probably fine for kids - I'll have to see how the rest of the series goes, because I absolutely don't remember.

DNF

Endpapers - this *sounds* cool (and has a fantastic cover), so I was thrilled when QLL added it on audio! Unfortunately I picked it up right after The Well of Loneliness and wasn't ready or willing to deal with another sad angsty queer book so soon.

Song of Blood and Stone - Honestly it seemed fine, just a bit more YA and focused on the romance than I was really interested in. Looking at the 3 further books in the series filled me with enough dread that I decided to not waste my time picking this one back up.

[babymetaldoll]

Baby, I'm yours - Chapter four: "One love, one house (no shirt, no blouse)"

Summary: Reader and Spencer visit his mother and talk about their relationship. The team is not ready to go back to work after Prentiss' death, but they'll have to do it anyway. 

Word count: 8,4K

Warnings: Just a lot of fluff and Spencer overthinking everything. 

A/N: Hey guys! Thank you for your feedback! I'm glad you are enjoying this sequel, 'cos I'm already planning the third and final part of this trilogy. 

Series Masterlist | General Masterlist | Prequel’s Masterlist

Previous chapter | Next chapter

(Y/N)'s point of view

I always loved visiting Diana. Not just 'cos Spencer got incredibly happy to see his mom, but because I enjoyed our time with her. She was an XV-century literature teacher, of course, it was incredibly interesting talking with her. We could ramble about books for hours. But I always let them alone for a while, so they could have their private conversations. That was my plan that day after we landed and got settled in the hotel. Spencer had confirmed the visit with his mom and the facility, so they were expecting us after lunch.

- "Do you think she is gonna be happy when we tell her?"- I held Spencer's hand as we stepped inside the main hall of the asylum and walked straight to reception.

- "Of course, she will, why?"

- "'Cos, well, she loves you so much. I don't want her to think I am stealing her son."

Honestly, I don't know where that insecurity came from, but my comment was an honest reflection of my fear. Spencer smiled and wrapped his arms around my waist as we walked.

- "Don't think that. She already loves you like a daughter, she is gonna be thrilled with the news."

Spencer smiled and, for a moment, I was hypnotized by his big chocolate eyes, staring at me as if I were a princess or a goddess. Spencer would always look at me like that whenever he felt honestly and utterly happy Until a nurse greeted us and we turned to stare at her, blushing.

- "Doctor Reid, Miss (Y/L/N), Diana has been expecting you."- she announced and Spencer held my hand tight. I don't know if he was afraid I might run the other way or if he needed reassurance that I was, in fact, standing next to him. Whatever the reason was, I squeezed his hand and smiled when he turned to look at me.

We walked to the backyard, apparently, Diana was outside enjoying the afternoon sun. I imagined how those visits would be in a few years. If Spencer and I ever got married and had children, they would run and hug their nana the second we entered the facility. And Spencer would follow them to make sure they didn't get into trouble. That was a scene that warmed my heart and gave me butterflies in my stomach. I wondered if Spencer pictured a future with me as well.

- "Spencer! (Y/N)!"- Diana saw us and raised her arms from her chair. Her son quickly leaned and hugged her as I waited my turn to say hello.

- "Hi mom. Sorry we are late, the flight was delayed"

- "I've told you, those apparatus are a coffin with wings"- she argued immediately and I chuckled, thinking about the first time I met her and how scared she was of flying.

- "(Y/N)! What a delight!"

- "Hey Diana! I'm so glad we finally made it. I'm sorry it took us so long to visit, things have been... busy."

Spencer and I had agreed not to tell her mother about Prentiss. It was an unnecessary pain we didn't want to put her through, she would get worried knowing Spencer was sad, and for once, we wanted to focus on the good part of life.

- "We got you this"- Spencer opened his satchel and gave her mother the Henry Bradshaw book we found in an old bookstore that he remembered her mother reading for him when he was a kid. Diana's eyes lit up when she opened it and started reading it right away.

Her health was much better than the first time I saw her. In the last few trips, we have seen her more joyful, even independent. Apparently, the doctor had found the pills that worked, and even Diana was glad of the result.

- "So mom, (Y/N) and I have some news to share with you"-Spencer smiled and held my hand- "(Y/N) and I started dating"

- "Yes darling, I know. You've been dating for years, that's not breaking news. If you are here to tell me you set a date, that would be news"- Diana didn't even take her eyes from the book to dismiss Spencer's announcement. It broke my heart in a way. I thought she would be happy to know I was dating her son.

- "No, mom. We were friends until a few weeks ago. We weren't dating before"

- "Come on! I know you think I'm crazy, but how can you expect me to believe that? You two have been in love since the first time I met her at your work! Are you seriously telling me you just started dating? Please, Spencer!"

- "Actually Diane, that's exactly what happened. We were in love the entire time, but neither of us said anything for all these years."- I whispered, embarrassed, and cut her a smile- "I was too scared I'd ruin our friendship if I confessed my feelings, 'cos I was sure he didn't feel the same and apparently, that's how Spencer felt as well"

Mrs. Reid looked at us from her book, raising an eyebrow. I swear I could feel her judging me for my choices, and at the same time trying to read if I was lying. Profiling a profiler, that's never a good idea.

- "Are you trying to tell me the government hired two dimwits like you and let them protect the country?"- Spencer's face went pale, not knowing how to answer that. He still held my hand and turned to look at me, completely out of words.

- "In fact... yes?"- I smiled innocently and prayed for a good reaction.

- "Oh god, kids. All these years wasted? I am ready to be a grandmother already!"- Diana chuckled and shook her head- "But, at least it happened and I am glad you are finally together. I've always considered you family, (Y/N). And I know you have taken care of my son all these years."

- "Thank you, Diana. He has taken care of me as well"- I felt Spencer caressing my hand as I spoke and turned to him smiling for a second.- "Now, what do you say I leave you two for a while and I pick you up for dinner at six?"- I said as I stood up.- "I am sorry but I really need a nap and a hot shower after that flight."

Diana stood up suddenly, and awkwardly, but sweetly wrapped her arms around me. It took me by surprise, but I welcomed her and even felt her kiss my cheek.

- "Thank you for loving my boy"

- "No, thank you for raising him to be my perfect match"- she chuckled and wiped off some tears from her eyes.

- "Now please get married and give me lots of grandchildren"

Spencer's point of view

After I walked (Y/N) back to the car, I joined my mother for a chess game in her room. She caught me up with all her medical stories in the facility, and how great she had been feeling in the last few months. I told her all about how (Y/N) and I ended up dating, the horrible weeks I spent thinking she was dating James, and how even our unit chief was trying to hook us up. She laughed and continued telling me she couldn't believe (Y/N) and I had been just friends for so long, considering even she knew we were in love ever since day one.

- "What can I tell you, mom? Your son is kinda blind when it comes to women"

- "Well, now you know your mother is not blind. I noticed she loved you since the first time you introduced us. She has always looked at you like you are the only person in the whole world."- I blushed and looked down at my hands for a moment.

- "Thank you for your support. (Y/N) was very worried you wouldn't approve."

- "Why wouldn't I? She is amazing, smart, funny and she loves you. What else can I ask for?"- I shrugged and mom stood up.

- "I've always imagined when this time would come"- she said as she went through a drawer, taking out a small jewelry box- "I remember my grandma wearing this ring. She always looked so elegant and refined. She gave it to me before she passed and I never found a moment in my life to wear it. Please, I want (Y/N) to have it."

I widened my eyes as I stared at my mom handing me a three-stone diamond ring I never knew she had. She was right, she never wore it, I would have remembered a ring that big.

- "Mom... it's beautiful. (Y/N) is gonna... I don't think I've ever seen her wearing a ring like this before."

- "I'm sure she'll love it. You have to tell me everything about the moment you give her this ring."- I frowned and held the jewel between my fingers. I had never had a diamond in my hand before.

- "You are not going to give it to her yourself? Mom, if it was your grandma's, she would love to hear the entire story."

- "Spencer, it's an engagement ring!"- mom looked at me as if I couldn't comprehend the words she was saying. Which was, in fact, true. I didn't. I couldn't even speak after she delivered that line. Mom was giving me an engagement ring to give to (Y/N). That was fast. Way too fast, scary, and completely out of place. (Y/N) would never accept a marriage proposal after three weeks of dating. It was insane.

- "I can hear the interlock of your brain overthinking, Spencer"- mom smiled and sat again. She moved her rook on the board. I couldn't focus on the game, of course, not after the bomb mom had just dropped.

- "What makes you think she is gonna say yes?"- I whispered after a few minutes of deep silence.

- "A mother knows. We are animals, we feel things. Besides, she is a smart woman. She loves you, and you have been together for some years now. I know you say you weren't a couple before, but you have been best friends, and that is also very important in a relationship."

I opened my mouth to argue with her words, but nothing came from my lips. I was mesmerized, staring at the ring, and trying to picture (Y/N) wearing it. I was making my best to imagine the moment I gave her a ring like that, it had to be special, magical. Worthy of her. How could I propose? I never imagined that part before.

Yes, I had fantasized about a future with her, but never with the "Would you marry me?" moment. Never. Somehow it felt awkward to even think about it at the minute.

- "Spencer? Are you listening?"- mom waved her hand in front of my eyes and took me from my thoughts.

- "Sorry, I just..."

- "You were lost in your fears"

- "Not just fears. I just never imagined this moment before. I can picture a future with her, it's what I want the most. But I never thought I would have the chance to take this step."

- "My boy."- I felt her hand on my cheek as she smiled, staring into my eyes for a moment, the same way she did when I was a kid and woke up scared after a nightmare- "You don't have to imagine or know everything before you live it. Life has to surprise you from time to time, and you have to let your imagination go wild! Be a romantic!"

- "I am a romantic!"- I argued and mom chuckled.

- "Of course you are, Ace. So use all that emotion and intuition from your romantic side and forget for a moment about your rational fears. Do you wanna marry (Y/N)?"

- "Yes."

- "And do you wanna wait?"

- "No!"- mom smiled as her hand tapped on my cheek.

- "See? Just stop overanalyzing everything and be happy!"- I chuckled at mom's words and held her hand for a moment.

- "Thank you, mom. Really"

- "Come here and hug your mother, I just saved you a fortune with the ring!"- she laughed at her own words as I stood up and wrapped my arms around her. Having her there at that moment, and knowing she hadn't been as healthy as she was that day was priceless for me.

And so Frank's premonition was right. I was gonna propose to (Y/N). When? How? I still had no idea.

(Y/N)'s point of view

- "Do we have to do this?"- I whined as we parked outside the FBI Training Academy in Quantico. We were there because Seaver had invited us all to her graduation. She was officially an agent, and I knew Hotch had offered her a job with us. I wasn't thrilled with the idea, ergo I didn't want to be there. But Spencer held my hand, and the present we had gotten Ashley and walked me inside the main building.

- "Yes, we do. Ashley is going to be an official team member and you should- start getting along with her."

- "But I don't like her."

- "I know that, everybody knows that. But it's the right thing to do and you know it as well."- I sighed and pouted, but Spencer didn't stop walking. As soon as we entered the central hall, Penelope waved at us. She was with Morgan and Hotch. It was the first time we had seen them since that day at Rossi's after the funeral. And it was weird.

It felt as if Prentiss was going to show up any minute, excusing herself for being late, holding a cup of coffee, and telling a crazy story about how she went salsa dancing the night before and completely forgot about this event.

- "Hey lovebirds! How was your trip?"- Garcia smiled and hugged us - "Did you have fun in Las Vegas, munchkin?"

- "Yeah, it was a great trip!"- I answered and enjoyed my friend's hug.

- "What did Mrs. Reid say when you gave her the news?"- Morgan asked.

- "She didn't believe us 'cos she always thought we were already dating"- my boyfriend whispered and played with my hand between his, as our teammates stared at us, chuckling.

- "It's gonna start!"- Rossi showed up all of a sudden and clapped, clearly more excited than any of us. - "I saved you all good seats."

- "And you were the one who said we spend way too much time together"- I joked and Rossi smiled.

- "Right now it feels like it's not enough, ragazza."

And that hurt. 'Cos papa pasta was right, after what happened to Prentiss, every moment we spent together felt special. Or at least I wanted to make it special. I didn't want to waste time, I wanted to live my life and enjoy the little things. Those people sitting next to me were my family.

The next Monday we were back on duty. I wasn't ready at all, but after a long talk with Spencer, we agreed working might help us keep our minds busy from being depressed. Also, I knew our work helped us save lives, and that always made me feel better.

But I wasn't ready to walk back into the BAU and find Prentiss' picture hanging on the wall, with all the other fallen agents. That was a low blow. Spencer walked straight back to the bullpen, but I noticed Penelope staring at the wall, so I walked over to say hello. That's when I saw it, Emily's face staring back at me.

- "This is not right"- I whispered and Garcia simply sighed- "She was way more pretty in person."

- "She was the most gorgeous woman on earth"- Penelope answered with a sad huckle- "I miss her so much."

- "Me too."

- "I took Sergio in, that baby needed a new home."

- "Emily's cat? How are you doing with him?"

- "He is a sweetheart, he loves cuddles and so far, he hates Kevin."- I smiled and rested my head on Penelope's shoulder for a bit, as we continued staring at Emily's picture.

- "Girls, you gotta stop staring at her. Prentiss wouldn't want us to sulk. You know that."- Morgan's voice nearly made us jump.

- "I'm not sulking."- Garcia argued and I rubbed my hand on her back, cutting Morgan a short smile.

- "I'm gonna put an eye on Spencer"- I excused myself and walked away slowly. If I was affected by staring at Emily's picture, I didn't want to know how my boyfriend was dealing with her empty desk.

Honestly, it was more painful than I thought. Walking in, knowing I would never see my friend again, sitting with coffee, and a juicy story of her weekend, sometimes maybe still a little hungover.

Pen had baked some cupcakes to share with Ashley, and celebrate her graduation. We ate them and drank some coffee in the meeting room before our daily briefing. It was definitely awkward, but we all did our best not to mention Prentiss, the pink elephant in the room, and just focused on talking about what we did on our week off. Morgan spent his time remodeling a new house, Pen and Sergio got to know each other and she completely "catificated" her apartment with some of her boyfriend's help.

- "Congratulations, agent Seaver."- Hotch walked in suddenly, followed by Rossi. Spencers held my arm and guided me to a chair. I turned to him and cut him a short smile as I sat down by his side.

- "Thank you."

- "Who made the cupcakes?"- David asked as he grabbed one and took a bite of it.

- "I did."- Pen answered with a proud smile.

- "Thank you all for coming to my graduation. It meant a lot."- Seaver cut me a short smile and I nodded. Yes, that was me trying to be nice.

- "Let's get started."- Hotch indicated as the rest of the team sat down and we all stopped eating to grab our case files.

- "Ok, we're going to Portland, Oregon, and it's not for a dead moon concert."- Penelope started presenting our current case- "So, Jay Johnson, a DJ, was cutting through an alley on his way home after leaving a club when he was bludgeoned by a pipe and then stabbed 31 times. His watch, his cell, and his computer were stolen. That was 2 days ago. Now, early this morning, Karen Heywood, a 30-year-old nurse. She died during a home invasion. She was stabbed 40 times, but first, she was bludgeoned with weapons of opportunity."

- "Eight different ones, to be exact."- I read out loud and raised an eyebrow.

- "That's too many weapons for one person."- Rossi added as I nodded in agreement.

- "There was a left- and a right-handed kill according to the M. E. Report."

- "Yeah, but 8 different weapons."- Rossi insisted, a little shocked.

- "So we're looking for a group."- Morgan added.

- "Yeah, it seems that way. And the left-handed wounds were deeper than the right."- Hotch pointed out from the forensic file.

- "Maybe a woman was involved?"- Spencer asked and I nearly gasped, turning to him.

- "How dare you, Reid? It might have also been a very weak man!"- I argued and he cut me the sweetest smile I had seen that day. It melted my heart in a second.

- "Sorry."

- "Anything taken from the house?"- Hotch's voice took me back to the case and forced me to focus on the files.

- "According to a neighbor, just some random stuff. A computer, some jewelry, a framed picture of a lily."- Pen listed and Morgan added

- "And pawnable items. What do we have, kill crooks? "

- "Sounds like a musical."- I smiled at Rossi's comment and continued reading my case file.

- "Similar victim, young professionals kill three miles apart."- Hotch said and sighed.

- "Is there a gang situation in Portland?"- Ashley asked and Spencer shook his head immediately.

- "Minimal. This seems more like desperate people in need of quick cash."

- "Why kill them if it's just for the money?"- she asked again, and this time Aaron replied.

- "That's what we have to find out. And we've got eight hours till nightfall. Let's go."

And just like that, we were back on the field making our best to carry out an investigation and find the killers before they strike again. During the plane trip, I sat next to Spencer and helped him with the geographical profile. But once we landed in Portland, Hotch thought it would be fun to pair me with Morgan and sent us to the supermarket where the victim had been last seen. And Spencer was paired with Ashley. Just them, alone. I took a deep breath and nodded. I couldn't argue, we were on a case and Hotch was our unit chief.

- "You are not gonna kill Seaver later when we get to the station?"- Morgan asked and I chuckled as he drove us to the supermarket.

- "Nope, why? Did you have a plan to stop me?"

- "That's good to hear, I didn't really have a plan actually"

- "Do you want a cupcake?"- I opened my backpack and opened a plastic container.

- "Where did you get those? Pen made them for Seaver."

- "She saved some for her, but she gave me a few for the trip."- I smiled at my friend and licked part of the frosting. He grabbed one and chuckled.

- "I'm glad, princess."

- "That I have sugar?"

- "No, that you are giving Seaver a chance"

- "Well, it's no fault her dad killed my aunt. And yes, her attitude at the beginning pushed me and Spencer to face our feelings, so..."- I shrugged and sighed, slightly defeated by reality- "Besides, we are not really in the mood for fighting. I am so done with that. I just want some peace after everything that happened."

Morgan placed his hand on mine and squeezed it for a second. I turned to him and saw a million emotions going down his face. All at once: sadness, anger, gratitude. But he didn't say a thing, and I didn't push him either. I just smiled and told him to slow down or we were gonna get a ticket for speeding.

Spencer's point of view

I could still see (Y/N)'s smile as she said goodbye earlier that day. I waved and watched her get in the SUV with Morgan. She held my hand for a second and wished me a good day. I promised I would text her later and she said she couldn't wait.

- "Spencer, we are here"- Seaver announced and I parked our car outside a club. I wasn't nervous about being paired with Sesaver, I knew (Y/N) was making her best to get along with her, and she trusted me.

- "So Mr. Johnson exits the nightclub through the back door to get to his car."- I said, trying to focus on the case as we walked through a short street at one side of the club, trying to find anything that might tell us more about what happened there.

- "Maybe one unsub can watch from over there and the other from back there"- Ashley said and pointed to both ends of the street.

- "Then when he gets here, another unsub hits him with a pipe and it's game on."- I conclude and start thinking how many men attacked Johnson in the middle of the night and no one saw a thing.

- "Look at the vials, Reid. This is a drug corridor."- she pointed out, and suddenly I remembered the Dilaudid bottle I still had back home. I had to get rid of that thing before I had a moment of weakness. I didn't trust myself at all with that thing around.

- "That would explain why there's so much kill. Maybe they were on something."- I said and looked at Ashley, who was trying her best to be professional on her first official day of work.

- "On the jet, I did some research into the club. A year ago, someone O.D.'D inside. Since then, new management clamped down on the partying."

- "Which means the unsubs most likely fit into this area."

- "Well, if you can't party inside, then you come out here. They're probably all the same age."- somehow, just thinking about drugs was upsetting.

- "Yeah, mid-twenties."

I had forgotten, I was a junkie in his mid-twenties, struggling to stay sober. But I couldn't think of that at that minute, I had to focus on the case and stop whoever was killing all those people.

- "Thank you for coming to my graduation"- Seaver said as I drove us back to the police station- "It really meant a lot to me."

- "We were glad to be there"- I answered and kept my eyes on the road.

- "How have you been holding on?"- she asked, out of the blue. No one had mentioned Emily the entire day, though we were all thinking about her the entire time.

- "Ok, I guess"- I replied, though I didn't want to talk much about the subject.

- "I'm sure having your girlfriend with you was very comforting these days. I mean, you both knew Prentiss very well, and I am sure you could... count on each other."

- "Yes, we do"- Seaver nodded and looked outside her window in silence for a moment. I thought she wasn't going to ask any more personal questions, but I was wrong.

- "So, are you living together already?"

- "No, we usually alternate apartments."

- "Why don't you pick one and live together?"

- "I don't know, we haven't talked about it yet."- I didn't feel comfortable speaking with Seaver about the subject.

- "And would you like to move in with her?"- I didn't want to answer, but I didn't really know how to get out of that conversation. And honestly, if I was planning to propose to her soon, shouldn't we move in together as well?

- "Yeah, I would"- I merely answered, and luckily, her phone rang and Hotch updated us with the facts of the case. It wasn't good, apparently, the unsub was a drug addict hallucinating. He was young, using, and out of control. It all pointed out that he might be a psychotic schizophrenic and to be honest, that was a second reality blow. I could be like that. During one's mid-twenty was when schizophrenia's symptoms would first appear. It had happened to my mother and I still wasn't in the clear.

That was my biggest fear, sharing her disease, her fate. Losing touch with reality now that for the first time in my life, it was a sweet one, with an even sweeter future. I hadn't even considered the idea but, what if I passed the disease to my kids, my babies with (Y/N). I would ruin their lives and hers. She would hate me, Jesus! I would hate myself for it! And the worst was knowing there was nothing I could do about it, 'cos so far, no doctor had found any sign of schizophrenia in me.

- "Honey? Are you listening?"- I turned to look at (Y/N), who was staring at me, standing outside the car- "Are you ok?"

- "Yeah, sorry, I was deep in thought."

- "I kinda figured, Seaver got out of the car ten minutes ago. Why are you still here?"

- "The unsub is hallucinating."

- "Yes"

- "He seems paranoid, on drugs and he is hurting people"- she nodded again as I kept staring at my hands, still holding the wheel.

- "What's happening in that gorgeous head of yours, honey?"

- "Nothing, I'm just trying to focus."

- "I saved you a cupcake"- she whispered and opened the car's door- "Come on, you need a cup of tea and something to eat."- and of course, I followed her. How could I resist such an invitation? But my head didn't stop working and overanalyzing every fact from the case. I couldn't stop seeing myself in that unsub.

That night I got to share my room with Morgan, which wasn't that bad. We talked about random things, none of us wanted to talk much about the case or Prentiss. So we both kept it casual. Of course, he tried to tease me with (Y/N) for a while, but I didn't say a word. That was until she knocked on our door in her pajamas, holding a cup of herbal tea.

- "Hotch is testing my strength right now!"- she argued and walked in - "Seaver has been on the phone with her mother for forty freaking minutes, telling her everything she did today. Everything!"

Morgan laughed as I wrapped an arm around my girlfriend, sitting next to her on my bed. She rested her head on my shoulder and sighed.

- "And what were you guys doing?"

- "I was about to tell Reid we should watch some tv before bed."

- "And I was going to decline that offer 'cos I still haven't finished my book today"- (Y/N) smiled at me and kissed the top of my nose.

- "But you finished the other three you have in our bag, I'm sure. Give your head a break honey. Let's watch a movie with Morgan and then I'll go to my room, hoping Seaver is done talking about everything she did today."

- "Someone should tell her she can't share any case-related information with people outside the team."- Morgan suggested, but (Y/N) simply shook her head and smiled.

- "No me my friend, I am not getting into more trouble because of her. Hotch is already done with our fights and I don't want her to tell him I am being mean again."

- "You don't have to be mean, ma cherie."

- "I know, but it kinda comes easy when I talk to her"- my girlfriend pouted and I smiled. Sometimes all I needed was to have her by my side to ease my mind for a little while.

Of course, that night wasn't easy. After we watched a very bad comedy on tv, (Y/N) went back to her room and Morgan turned off his light. I tried to read for a while, but I couldn't. Instead, I wrote a very short letter to my mom and then rolled in bed until four in the morning. Morgan's snoring didn't make it easier, and I missed (Y/N)'s body by my side, keeping me sane. I knew she was two doors down the hall, but that didn't make me feel any better. I needed her next to me, the warmth of her body, the smell of her hair. The peace that knowing I had her in my arms gave me every night had no comparison. She was all I needed to be happy, and trying to sleep alone in that cold bed was just proof of that very fact.

Morning found me already weary. I took a shower and followed Morgan downstairs to the lobby. (Y/N) was already there, holding two cups of fresh coffee.

- "How was your night?"- she whispered and kissed my lips sweetly.

- "I missed you."- my answer was honest, I didn't even try to hide my feelings.

- "I missed you too, Batsy. Now drink your coffee, you look like you need five of these."- I held her hand for a second and took in her smile, trying to record it in my brain in case anything happened. Now I knew things could go wrong, and thought I had to make an effort not to think about it, I couldn't act blind all the time.

- "Ok lovers! We get it, you are in love! Now let's get to work, I wanna catch this son of a bitch today!"- Morgan walked by our side and on his way out of the hotel. (Y/N) chuckled and kissed my cheek one more time and winked at me.

- "Hold onto that until tonight, Batsy."

That was a long day, and it didn't get much better. We started with a new murder, and all the signs kept leading us to a paranoid schizophrenic. My brain wasn't helping that day either. I just couldn't see something I was sure we were missing from the profile. I heard the team deliver all the information to the police, and all I could hear them saying kept scarring and upsetting me.

- "We believe our unsub is a white male paranoid schizophrenic who suffers from hallucinations. Since schizophrenic breaks usually occur in your early twenties, we believe he's around this age and that he lives nearby. We think this unsub is hypervigilant, and in this condition, he's unable to travel very far from his home."

Hotch's words made me frown. Could I turn into that? Was that my destiny? All those headaches I had developed before (Y/N) and I started dating, were they a sign?

- "He kills at night and is extremely violent. During the day, he's most likely a loner. Someone in this state probably can't keep a job. We believe something happened to our unsub in his childhood. Childhood voices are telling him to kill, or he's misinterpreting them as doing so."

Rossi added, and I started fidgeting with my fingers as I sat in silence at the back, not able to add anything to the presentation.

- "Our unsub has probably been coping until now, but a recent stressor brought him back to that childhood incident and is causing him to act out."- I heard (Y/N) add my mind took me back to my childhood, my mother struggling with her illness and not taking her medication as she was supposed to. I could never put my kids in that kind of situation. My kids. Would I ever be able to hold a baby of my own in my arms? Not if I was on the verge of showing schizophrenic

- "Our unsub spends his days wandering, trying to fight the desire to kill, yet he feels trapped by his hallucinations. No matter what he does or tries to do, the hallucination's power is greater than his own."

- "Because of his limited social circle as a child, it is our belief that the incident involved close friends or family. Now, once we figure out what happened when he was a kid and the stressor that recently triggered a relapse, we'll be that much closer to narrowing down the killer's identity."- (Y/N) finished talking and Hotch turned to me, waiting for my thoughts and knowledge.

- "Reid?"

- "We need you all to start searching in this area."- I slowly stood up and handed one of the detectives the map I had been working on.- "Based on previous kills, we know that he strikes at night and will not retreat until we find him."

I knew I had failed to hide my worries, Hotch noticed it, clearly, (Y/N) did as well, and when Morgan walked to me in the men's room as I washed my face, I knew he had as well.

- "You know, that profile kind of makes it sound like schizophrenia leads to serial killing."- I whispered as I dried my face with some paper towels.

- "That's not what we said at all, Reid."- Morgan walked over and stood next to me, as I turned and sat on the edge of the sink.

- "You know, my mom has schizophrenia. There are many different types: catatonic, disorganized... just because someone suffers from the inability to organize their thoughts or they can't bathe or dress themselves, it doesn't mean they'd stab someone in the chest 30 times postmortem."

Old me would have kept all that info for himself, but I was done with lies and secrets between friends. For once, I wanted to tell people how I felt. And I was scared, confused, and mostly, frustrated.

- "Reid, what's really going on?"

- "Our unsub's hallucinations aren't fractured like a typical schizophrenic. They're vivid and clear, leading me to believe that we're missing an important variable. Rather than making crazy conjectures, I think we should be trying to figure out what it is."

- "Ok, listen to me. I know this is a scary age for you. It's when schizophrenic breaks happen. Have you talked to anybody about this?"- I felt his hand on my shoulder, trying to contain me or support me. I kept my eyes down on my feet as I whispered.

- "No."

- "Have you seen a doctor?"

- "They all say I'm fine."

- "Then why don't you believe them?"

- "Because predicting one's chances of developing a genetic condition is like finding a penny in an ocean. I've had terrible headaches. I can't sleep at night. I can't focus on our cases. I only read 5 books last week."

- "Come on, kid, you gotta cut yourself some slack. You and (Y/N) just started dating, no one expects you to sleep at all."- Morgan chuckled and I cut him a short smile- "Besides, you're also depressed about Prentiss, and I get it... we all are. Reid, I miss her every day. But if your mind was splitting, do you really think you'd be able to figure out that this team is missing a variable?"

- "I'm just speculating that we are. I need to prove it."- I mumbled, clearly still frustrated.

- "Ok, then you do that. The moment you are wandering around the streets aimlessly, that's when I'll be concerned about you. Besides, your girlfriend would never let anything bad ever happen to you."- I smiled at those words as if (Y/N) could prevent a disease from attacking my brain.- "Come on, pretty boy. Let's get to work."

Of course, (Y/N) knew something was off with me. She looked at me as I walked into the room and cut me a short smile. I returned the grin and tried to reassure her I was ok. Sure, I wasn't, but I had to pretend. For work's sake at least.

- "I made you a tea"- she whispered and handed me a cup while Rossi busied himself reading some files and Hotch walked over, talking on the phone with García.

- "Thank you, ma cherie."

- "Do you need help with your geographic profile?"

- "I think I got something, actually"- I held her hand underneath the table for a moment and she gave it a little squeeze. I wanted to whisper something, but Hotch hung up the phone and I quickly turned to him, ready to finally contribute to the case.

- "You know, at the grocery store where Karen Heywood was shopping the night she was murdered, the clerk said the unsub was buying water and a lot of salt."

- "Saltwater could be used to torture his victim."- Rossi said, but I shook my head immediately.

- "Well, there's no evidence of that."- Morgan said and Ashley added

- "It could also be used to remove the victim's blood from clothing."

- "Think about this, though. The visions that schizophrenics have can be interpreted as demons. What do some people do when they think they have demons inside of them?"- I asked the group.

- "They could get an exorcism."- (Y/N) answered- "Sounds extreme, but this guy seems to be desperate"

- "Holy water is used in exorcisms."- Rossi added.

- "What about the salt?"- Seaver asked, and (Y/N) explained briefly

- "Salt is used in exorcisms and a variety of religious healings. Also in spells and wicca rituals. Now what we should do is see how many churches we can find in his comfort zone"

- "Three"- I replied and pointed at the map.

- "All right, let's see if any of them keep their doors open late."- Hotch commanded and we all stood up. At least working kept my mind busy and helped me stop overthinking, at least for a while.

(Y/N)'s point of view

It was clear something was wrong with Spencer. Schizophrenia was always a sensitive subject for him, for obvious reasons. And if the unsub was around our age, I was sure he was relating to him more than he should. Spencer wasn't schizophrenic, he hadn't presented any symptoms so far, and I knew he wouldn't. But he was worried all the time. It hunted him, like a nightmare he could never wake up from. I had always tried to ease his mind, and tell him it was all going to be ok, but under the already hard circumstances we were in, my boyfriend couldn't escape the dark thoughts.

And what was worse, I couldn't be with him that day. As soon as we reached the police station we were informed there had been another murder and Hotch asked Spencer and Morgan to go to the crime scene.

And there I was, at the police station with Seaver, talking. Yes, me, talking with her, trying to be friendly. She asked me to review the case file again, in case we were missing anything and I helped her. Hotch looked at us from the other side of the table and nodded. Of course, he was happy I was giving her a chance, and I was happy he wasn't scolding me again.

Spencer and Morgan arrived with the news: the unsub couldn't sleep, that was the missing variable. And that was all Garcia needed to give us a name and an address.

- "I looked at that list of schizophrenics that have been recently arrested in that 40-mile radius. I cross-checked it with ones that have gone to local pharmacies to get schizophrenia medication like thorazine or prolixin."- Penelope announced through the speaker. Spencer sat by my side and held my hand underneath the table, just as he had done the day before. I suppressed the smile and tried to focus.

- "Any of them have prescriptions filled for sleeping medication as well?"- Hotch asked and his voice took me back to reality.

- "Yes, one. Ben Foster. He has a prescription for thorazine and ambien."

- "What's his background, baby girl?"

- "He moved to Portland 3 years ago. A month ago he was in an apartment fire, after which he got a sleeping pill medication because his insomnia began again. When he was 10, he was questioned during an investigation about a fire that killed three people."

- "It could be part of the homicidal triad."

- "I'm looking at the police report right now. It turns out that two months before, his mom had a local minister perform an exorcism on him, and the three people who were killed in the fire helped perform that exorcism."

- "There it is! The exorcism!"- I pointed out, excited it had been true- "Pen, was he charged?"

- "No munchkin. He was acquitted in juvie court."

- "You got an address?"- Hotch closed the file case, looking rather impatient.

- "Uh, 2627 Halden way."

- "Let's go!"

- "Is your vest well adjusted?"- Spencer asked the second we got out of the SUV outside the address. I nodded and he still double-checked.

- "I'm ok honey. Nothing bad is gonna happen to me"- I whispered, taking a look around, making sure no one was paying attention to us.

- "Of course not, I am here and I'm gonna protect you no matter what."

- "Reid, you and (Y/L/N) take the side, Morgan and Seaver, the back. Rossi, come on"- Hotch commanded and in a second I had my gun in my hands and I was ready to catch our unsub. A part of me felt pity for him, he was sick, and he probably wasn't a bad person, but life had taken the best of him.

- "He is out back!"- we heard Morgan yell and the entire team started running out to the street.

I followed Spencer down the sidewalk, looking around us at any movement. The police and the rest of the team were near, trying to get eyes on Ben. But nothing. For eight minutes we got absolutely nothing. No one had seen the unsub running.

- "Hotch, we lost him"- Morgan announced through the radio. It was most likely that he had gotten into one of the houses to hide. And I knew we couldn't knock on every door in the neighborhood.

- "I think we've got something at 2218."- Hotch announced and I followed him along with Spencer to the back door.

- "Make his stop, please."- I heard Ben's voice arguing in the living room, and a little girl replied.

- "There's no one there."- my blood boiled when I realized he had two kids as hostages.

- "They're right there!"- the unsub yelled, and that's when Hotch, Spencer, and I walked into the room.

- "Ben, drop the knife."- our Unit Chief commanded. I kept my gun pointed at the unsub's face, as he grabbed the kids and pointed a knife at their necks.

- "Ben, we're not gonna shoot you, but we do need you to put down that knife, ok?"- I asked in the nicest tone of voice possible. When you are in a situation that includes kids, you have to make all you can to keep them from any traumatizing outcome.

- "All right, where are the other people in this room, Ben?"- Spencer asked slowly

- "Right there. You see him?"- the unsub pointed just where Reid was standing.

- "Right here?"- he asked and Ben nodded- "Were they there for the exorcism?"

- "I didn't kill them, though. I didn't do it! And I'm not lying!"

- "Ben, they're dead and they can't hurt you anymore."- I tried to explain, but I knew he wasn't going to understand that. He was increasingly more and more nervous.

- "They can!"

- "No, Ben. Your mind is playing tricks on you. Once you get help, it'll all stop."- Morgan said, also pointing a gun to his face.

- "Yes, you are!"- Ben argued with the imaginary people- "Yeah, ok. All right, I killed you. I set the fire!

- "Ben, listen to us. It's ok. We're gonna get you a doctor's help. I promise you that."- I tried to soothe him 'cos he was losing control, but he shook his head and tightened his grip on the kids.

- "No. The... The only way that you can help me is if you do it... If you kill me."

- "Ben, that's not true. Listen, the only way we can help you is if you put that knife down"- Spencer said as he put his gun back into his holster and raised his hands, trying to look unthreatening. I didn't hesitate, I unlocked my gun and kept it pointed at Ben as he spoke.

- "Are you sure that'll work?"

- "Oh, I'm absolutely sure of it."- Spencer replied.

- "Ok."- Ben released the kids and they ran out of the room with Seaver, that's when Ben grabbed his knife tight and ran to Spencer. But before he had taken two steps closer to him, I pulled the trigger and shoot him right in the leg.

- "We need an ambulance."- Hotch announced via radio, as Morgan kicked the knife away from Ben's hand.

- "Thanks"- Spencer whispered and walked towards me. I cut him a short smile and he held my hand.

- "I've got your back, honey. Always."- I whispered and wrapped an arm around him. I knew I was never going to hesitate, I would always pull the trigger if it meant his safety.

- "Are you ok?"- he asked and rubbed his hands kindly against my arms as we watched the paramedics take Ben outside the house straight to the ambulance.

- "Yeah, I'm ok. You?"- he just nodded and sighed. I knew something was bothering him, something his head couldn't stop overanalyzing, but he wasn't going to tell me about it, at least not yet.

- "Ready to go home?"- I asked him and he just nodded again- "I feel like cooking tonight, we deserve a nice good homemade dinner."

- "Marry me"- he said, blushing and I chuckled.

- "I'm guessing you liked the idea of me cooking then!"

- "That and you just saved my life."

- "You'd have done the same for me, honey bunny."

- "Hey, Reids! Come on! Time to go home!"- Morgan called us and we made our way out of the house.

Later that night, after a long trip and a nice dinner, Spencer and I laid on his couch, curled around each other, enjoying each other's company. He ran his fingers through my hair from time to time as I sighed in contentment, pleased to feel his scent around me as I rested my head on his chest and heard the sweet beat of his heart.

- "Do you like it here, ma cherie?"

- "I like anywhere where I can be with you, batsy."- I replied and he hummed, pleased with my answer, I guessed.

- "But, do you like my apartment?"

- "It's nice, it's so much like you, sometimes it feels like being inside your brain. I could definitely live here"- he hummed again and after a few minutes, he moved on the couch until he was looking straight into my eyes. I moved a few locks of hair from my face and he smiled, kissing the top of my nose.

- "And would you like to?"

- "What?"

- "Would you like to live here? With me?"

For a second, I didn't believe my ears. Had he actually said what I heard him say? Did he want to live with me? For real?

- "Wh... what?"

- "It doesn't have to be here, we can find somewhere new, or I can go to your apartment. I don't care where, I just... wanna live with you. I don't ever wanna wake up away from you anymore."

- "Wh... where is this coming from?"

- "My... heart?"- he answered and hesitated for a second.- "If you think it's too soon, we don't have to do it, I can wait. I just... wanna live with you."

- "I wanna live with you too"- I blurted out and sat on the couch, his body following mine in a second.

- "You do?!"- he questioned, not believing my answer- "You don't think it's too soon?"

- "I don't care if it's too soon! I wanna move in with you!"- Spencer hugged me and his lips found mine in a matter of seconds. I kissed him feverishly and felt his hands tangle on my hair as his tongue partnered my lips.

- "I love you"

- "Me more"

- "No ma cherié, no one loves anyone as much as I love you"

- "Then I'm glad we are gonna move in together, so I can prove you wrong!"

Next chapter

Taglist:

General tag list

@spenxerslut @ash19871962 @all-tings-diego @muffin-cup @cynbx @meowiemari

Spencer Tag list @calm-and-doctor @lovejules888

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BIY tag list

@miaxx03

[charliespringverse]

iwbft — tuesday: a brief summary of my annotations

all highlighted quotes: 136

· ouch/ow/owie: 12

· real/felt/relatable/so true: 5

· aroace: 2

· ☹/☹☹/☹☹☹: 9

Rowan is on his front, one arm slung over Jimmy's chest. Jimmy's head is tilted ever so slightly towards Rowan. — i've woken up like this with at least half my friends

The shipping itself isn't a major inconvenience to any of us. If anything, it keeps the fans interested. They think Judgement Day will eventually come and there'll be a big reveal that Rowan and I are secretly in love. There won't. We're not. — @larry shippers in the year of our lord 2023

It's always sort of been Rowan and Jimmy, plus Lister. We still love him of course. But that's just the way it is. — PAIN (note: this is all caps, huge, and triple underlined)

'I talk about The Ark all the time. I don't know why this was a surprise.' 'Fereshteh, it was a little bit of a surprise to me too.' 'Why?' 'I suppose... I suppose I never thought you actually cared about this band that much.' — parents vs actually listening to and validating their interests (failed, always)

Juliet chuckles weakly and looks away. I know she's had some bust-ups with her parents in the past. — understatement of the millennium

I'm an optimist. I like to believe that love exists. — it Does it just isn't always romantic/sexual. but it exists So Much

'I feel bad... feeling so happy when they're probably upset,' — ur so close to getting it queen

'Can't we just go home?' Lister mumbles. 'No,' she says. — foreshadowing innit

Rowan and I follow him immediately, like there's a string attaching us — ... invisible string addition to the folklore trilogy?

Lister tells us to go away, but Rowan just walks up to him and starts rubbing his back as he throws up. — ♡ listerowan bestieism

There's a big window on one side of the bathroom. Big enough to climb out, probably. We're on the ground floor. We could just climb out and run. Get up and go. — FORESHADOWING INNIT

Being trans has been a pretty you can big part of my life so far, thanks, but that shouldn't be particularly relevant here, in an interview about our music. — u can Never escape other ppl's obsession w ur transness

Dave laughs and says again, 'Now that's honesty.' — FUCK YOU DAVE (note: this is all caps, huge, and quadruple underlined)

I ask God to give me a bit of extra patience. Because every time Mac speaks, I sort of want to put an entire bag of cotton wool in his mouth. — what God is for x

Being a male fan of obscure old bands is, for some reason, more acceptable than being a female fan of a twenty-first-century boy band. — (also the obscure old bands are rarely that obscure. they're one direction for old white men)

They know exactly who they are. They put it in their blog about' page, they put it in their Twitter bio. I never know what to put in my Twitter bio so I usually just put an Ark lyric in there. — and when u enter ur confident aro-ace era? what then?

I like to think God does have a plan for everyone. But I also think there's too much shit in the world for all these plans to be perfect ones. Or maybe God doesn't have time to write a plan for everyone. And some of us are just trying our best and getting it a bit wrong. — i think this is why faith doesnt work for me

Everything's still there, though. My journals, my guitar, my main laptop, my childhood teddy bear, and the knife that Grandad gave me when I was sixteen. — now i want to know what he would admit to in one of them essentials interviews

It'd be useless as an actual weapon, since it's completely blunt - you can run your finger along the edge and not even get a scratch. — hhhh foreshadowing innit ☹

Not that he particularly goes seeking it. Everyone just wants to be friends with Lister Bird. — and yet he cares most abt getting closer to the two he shouldn't have to try for ☹

David [Tennant] thought she wanted a selfie, when in fact she was just trying to find the nearest toilet. — iconic

'Now, there'd better be some fucking Capri-Suns somewhere around here.' — me @ every function

When they were together they both seemed to stop worrying about everything else in their lives - Rowan was no longer an overworked band boy and Bliss was no longer a struggling student. They were just together. — ☹ justice for laimondi

Then he leans in and presses his lips against mine. Oh. Okay. Fine. This is fine. Can't say I realised this conversa- tion was going in this direction, but fine. — BAD (note: this is all caps, huge, and double underlined)

'But we're gods, Jimmy. What's better than that?' — pain. suffering. agony. heartache. torture, torment, anguish.

Holding it makes me feel real. It reminds me that I was born. That my life is something other than this birdcage I'm trapped in. Isn't it? Isn't it? — has his therapist ever discussed depersonalisation with him?

[zirielladior]

WHY HAVE I BEEN GONE SO LONG SJKJS

ella's diary ୨୧

saturday || 12.2.2023

₊˚ʚ ᗢ₊˚✧ ﾟ.

hi guys, i'm back (after a century) and i'm gonna tell you why i was gone along with another update 😭

it's an extremely chaotic fall break & 'while-i-was-gone' summary, my apologies if you find it difficult to read.

so as of recently, i have a crush on a boy at school 😭 and i haven't liked a boy at school since i was nearly ten years old. it's been a few years.

it's been so chaotic, and i've been trying to journal about my school time and my thoughts at home and it takes up so much time along with me trying to manifest because apparently "it works!" so why not give it a shot.

well i did, and it works. only a bit though, along with the fact that every time i braid my hair in pigtails something happens between me and (we'll call him macaroni.)

we had fall break, and usually i love it, even though i can't stand my family for more than five waking hours, but this year, i couldn't wait to get back to see my friends, finish up school work, and get away from my family, (and maybe 1% cz i missed seeing macaroni at schl..?)

i've been so obvious lately, going to games he has and stuff and i'm pretty sure his friends know even if he doesn't i've seen him follow me into the library and walk by some of my classes so idk what to think (i need help 💀)

my friends keep telling me, not to stop every time i see him and when i see him (during lunch) i literally pause in my tracks and stare before i realize i'm probably being weird asf and then i turn around and my friends start getting excited with their usual dose of shits and giggles trying to see where i saw him (its like i have an entire process when i see him it's so pathetic 😭)

i'm terrifed and have to be sure that he knows, i probably like him. i mean we don't talk at all except for a few comments he made on my computer and me talking about his water bottle (it's stupid) and when he had detention i was getting grades for my test from my teacher and i should've picked a different time to ask but my teacher had told me to come in during break. (SO I DID 💀)

not only this, but me and my friends go to his games because on my friends likes someone on the team, and the other goes anyway for fun. so i started going with them, except my father grounded me because i took my computer to school and i'm not able to go anymore.

i feel kind of saved, because now i don't have to face the fear of being around him. and my friends they're constantly feeding me these delusions and what-if's which only excite me until i realize perhaps it isn't true. because nobody except for maybe 5 people i know have ever had a crush on me, not absolute strangers who i like and might like me back nobody as EVER "liked me back."

then again, i'm pretty sure his friends know bcz me and my 2 friends were walking out of the library and his friends left him where we were and started laughing when he found out we were right there and he ran back to his friends like he was embarrassed or something.

my friends ofc, keep telling me stuff like "oh after the game him and his mom both looked at you, so its possible he likes you and totally told his mom." but it's kinda believable because during the game his mom looked at me like twice and smiled at me. and he looks at me at school literally whenever we pass him when we're walking or something.

anyway, enough about my absolute panicking SCHOOOOOOLLL

i finally have straight a's guys !!

and i'm going to a melmar trilogy tour concert in may next yr, with my friends <3

also, i've been gone because my parents have been seriously wonky with their "after 9" or "after 10" rules on my devices and during the day i'm either reading or studying, but my winter break is in two weeks, and i WILL NOT DISAPPOINT my little lovelies reading this 💗 ty guys sm if you made it this far you guys are my real ones and you know it (🎄 if you made it to the end)

ALSO PLS WATCH DASH & LILY I WATCH IT EVERY YEAR SINCE 2020 WHEN IT CAME OUT AND YOU NEED TO WATCH IT - THERE AREN'T ENOUGHT PEOPLE IN THE FANDOM ITS AN AMAZING XMAS SHOW PLSSS

anyway

₊˚ʚ ᗢ₊˚✧ ﾟ.

love always, ella ୨୧

[karinzany]

tag game: 3 books, 3 movies, and 3 songs

that changed your life or you just love.

thanks for the tag @lumochiart! I appreciate how you never forget about me when it comes to these tag games (and I will do the previous ones too!!)

About the books 📚:

Isabel Allende is my favorite author. I read "The city of beasts" when I was 13 and fell in love with her writing. It is part of a trilogy (Memories of the Eagle and the Jaguar) which I absolutely reccomend if you enjoy magical realism, the literary genre that she has mastered to perfection. Her first novel, "The House of the Spirits", it's a great example of that. It's very reminiscent of "100 years of Solitude" by Gabriel García Márquez. They both follow the story of a Latin-American family across generations, and they are so whimsical but at the same time incredibly raw when depicting reality. Although it is not considered a trilogy, "Daughter of Fortune" and "Portrait in Sepia" both include characters from "The House of the Spirits", and to this day they are my favorite books from her.

José Saramago won a Nobel Prize for a reason. "Death at Intervals" (pictured aboved), "Blindness" (which has a great film adaptation) and the sequel "Essay on Lucidity" are all amazing philosophical exercises that start with a very simple premise, respectively "what if people stopped dying?", "what if everyone turned blind?" and "what if everyone casted blank votes?". And the results are absolutely astounding. He never names his characters, nor he specifies in which country the action takes place (although we can tell it's Portugal), so that we can focus solely on the actions of the characters when faced with these dillemas. I couldn't reccomend them enough. I've read his books in Portuguese, but I'm confident the English translation does them justice.

Patrick Süskind isn't an author I know well, but "Perfume" is certainly one of the most memorable books I've ever read. The descriptions of the visuals and smells of 18th century Paris are so vivid that you feel like you're really there. You get inside the mind of the murderer, and you can understand, in a twisted way, how he can turn death into something so beautiful. And the ending of the book, my God! I couldn't forget it even if I tried. It's the culmination of his character, and it shows you what he considers to be the true meaning of love. It also has a film adaptation.

About the movies 📽️:

"The Little Mermaid" and "Barbie in the Princess and the Pauper" are self-explanatory, absolute animated classics from my childhood.

"The Secret Garden" (In Portuguese, "O Jardim Secreto", picture I took of my VHS) is based on the novel with the same name by Frances Hodgson Burnett. I watched this movie compulsively when I was little. The songs were amazing, and it was actually scary in some parts. The ending is slightly different than the novel, and surprisingly I enjoyed the movie a lot more! Which literally never happens. So yeah, if you somehow find this specific version of the movie on the internet I definitely reccomend a watch. It holds up very well even as an adult (also much better than the live-action).

About the songs 🎶:

I don't know if you could tell, but Florence + the Machine is my favorite singer, since I was 11. She had one album that I listened on repeat. They were the only songs on my old MP3 player. To this day, I have her entire discography saved on my phone, so I can listen to it even without internet.

"Between Two Lungs" is from the first album, "Lungs", and it makes me want to run into the woods and scream my lungs out. "Shake It Out" is from the second album, "Ceremonials" (my favorite), and it is very dear to my heart, since I've sang it in two school competitions already (with 9 years in between the two).

"King" is from the fifth album, "Dance Fever", and it did things to me. "I am no mother, I am no bride, I am King." My aroace heart loved the song. Even though I know the original interpretation was an argument between two lovers, I also read it as an act of defiance to your parents, your loved ones and to the society in general that wants to shove into the role of what a woman has to be. But I don't want to be a mother or a bride. I want to take control of my own life. I want to be King. On YouTube, there's also a poem version that is equally beautiful.

I'm tagging @portgas-d-ani @lorillee @alwayshasacold @caseyd1a @tinycurlyfry @vgprincess @tevali @zhabk4 and anyone who wants to participate!

I've spent more time answering this than I thought I would, but you don't actually have to explain your choices, I did it of my own volition! You can just post the pictures >.<

[imakemywings]

How about Galadriel and Celeborn for the ask meme?

Ooh yes okay let's see

Galadriel:

Galadriellllll what young girl did not watch the LotR trilogy and come away a little obsessed with Galadriel? Honestly one of my favorite things about her is that she's not unambiguously good? Like...Galadriel is shady af. That's only more true if you've read Silm. Did she partake in the Kinslaying at Alqualonde? Who's to say? She very explicitly sided with Feanor about leaving Aman because she wanted a kingdom of her own to rule. She was apparently willing to take the Teleri ships even after the kinslaying. She sits at the foot of Melian the Maia for probably a few centuries and then fucks off into the ether only to reappear in the Second Age with that realm she always wanted to rule.

And the pride! I don't totally remember if we get canon reasons for her sticking it out in Middle-earth but I enjoy the idea that she refuses a pardon to return to Aman after WoW because she thinks she doesn't need a pardon and she cannot handle what she perceives as the shame of returning home and admitting they made mistakes. So instead she stays in Middle-earth until the end of the Third Age when she has finally matured enough to set aside her pride and accept the offer to go home and she is so excited. I'm not sure Galadriel ever really came to view Middle-earth as home...it's possible, but I prefer the idea that it was other things that kept her there.

Galadriel is someone, imo, who enjoys power. And she is aware of that, at least by the Third Age--we see that in her conversation with Frodo about why she can't take the Ring. She can't be trusted with it. Galadriel likes having power. Which I also think adds an interesting element to her relationship with Feanor, who also enjoyed power in his own way, mostly related to the "mastering" of minds and his desire to out-argue everyone in everything all the time. Perhaps there was an element of pride clashing between them.

I'm not super enamored of the "always right always morally correct about everything" take on Galadriel that crops up sometimes. To me, that flattens out one of the most interesting things about her which is her moral grayness. By the Third Age, where we see her in LotR, I think she has grown a lot as a person and she is more likely to be right in both senses, but particularly when she was younger, I prefer a more ambiguous, less morally-correct take on her. It gives her room to change!

Celeborn:

Celeborn my man I am so sorry I have never had a thought about you in my life. Galadriel's boytoy.

Is it canon that he stays behind when she sails for Aman? That is interesting and I'm deeply interested in this take where his romantic relationship does not trump all other considerations for him--that Middle-earth is home for him, and he isn't willing to part with it, even for Galadriel, even to save his own life.

I've also talked about this before but I always snicker a little at the idea that he and Thranduil do not get along at all despite both having been Doriathrim (which stems mainly from the fact that Thranduil does not like or trust Celeborn, but at this point, it's grown to be rather mutual).

I tend to think he and Galadriel left Doriath well before the Second Kinslaying and likely before the fall of the Girdle. Just seems like it would've been mentioned if they were there?

Has to start introducing himself as "Galadriel's husband" at some point because that gets more recognition than his actual name.

[padfootagain]

Omg, when I saw your masterlist for the The Darkling, I go FERAL, said FINALLLLYYYYY

I thought you never write him, I'm really surprised. What's make you you decide to finally write him???

Hello anon!!!

I'm very happy you're excited that this new character joins my masterlist!

Alright, sorry for the rather explanation ahead 😅

Basically, what happened is that I read the SaB trilogy. And it changed everything. Because I love the Darkling in the show, but it's Ben, so it was hard for me to tell if I just liked him because Ben did an amazing job, or because the character in itself was great. I struggle a little with writing villains, so I didn't want to risk doing a bad job, or to get you all excited and then after a couple of tries decide to backpedale and to not write for him in the end. It's always a little stressful to me to write for new characters, and I've started writing again not so long ago, so I wasn't ready to take the risk after watching the show. (I have however already written for him, will post the fic next week, so I'm sure, we're good to go, don't worry)

The problem with the show, for me, is that I was not particularly interested in Alina's storyline tbh. I was more excited to see the Crows (like many viewers, I reckon). And I was excited to see the Darkling because it was Ben, but not really because it was the Darkling (do you know what I mean?). And I didn't realise in the show how terrible the situation for Grisha is literally everywhere, not just in Fjerda or Ravka. So I wasn't that passionate about the Darkling tbh, and my attachment to him was 90% caused by how awesome Ben was on this show.

But then I read the books, and several things changed:

- I now hate Alina with a passion and if I didn't like her in the show, I genuinely wanted her to die in the books (sorry to all the Alina stans... I can't with her...)

-The books to me showed better how Grisha are safe literally NOWHERE. Like... there is no safe place. They are rounded up and killed in Ravka the second the Darkling's power wavers and the Little Palace is compromised. They are experiments for scientists in Shu Han, they are burnt alive in Fjerda, they are bought as slaves in Kerch. And I didn't feel how desperate the situation was in the show. And that made me turn full on team Darkling, because then Alina's crazy hope that everyone is going to live happily ever after all of a sudden is plain ridiculous... it's been going for centuries, it's not gonna change all of a sudden. And no matter if the Darkling's methods are ruthless, he is the only one who managed to offer a semblance of safety to his people in centuries.

-And then there's the Darkling himself. I can't say that his portrayal was more appealing to me in the books than in the show (who can beat Ben on that? No one...). But there are details that I really liked in the books compared to the show, including how endangered being an amplifier makes him even among his own people, and the fact that no one knows his name in the books. I loved that, because it shows that despite his efforts with the Little Palace, even if he manages to take the throne, he will always be alone, and he was always alone. And I felt the toil of eternity a little bit more in the books. Which is always super fun to play with as a writer cause... angst... you know 😉 I also loved the call back in book three on the 'Fine, make me your villain' (I don't know if you've read the books, but I will explain): because at the end of book 3, The Darkling wants to lure Alina in the Fold, and for that he threatens to slaughter Grisha children that Alina had placed in Keramzin after the destruction of the Little Palace. Lots of things happen, but Alina does get into the Fold and she asks him where the children are and he basically answers 'well, they're probably having lunch or playing in the garden in the safe house where I've left them' and she's super confused by that like 'you said you were going to kill everyone!' And there there is a call back on the idea that... she made him her villain. He acted like one because it served his interests best, but now that she's convinced, he doesn't even need to actually do anything, the threat is enough. And i love how he just goes 'they are innocent Grisha children, why on earth would I do that? Don't you think enough people on our side have died already?' And I just... I love it. The manipulation of it. His image. The... everything, that scene is so important bfbfjfkfkfjfjkfnd (sorry... going into fangirl mode a bit)

In conclusion: I loved the Darkling for Ben in the show, and as I am not used to write for villains, I doubted myself too much to write for him. But now I've read the books and I have turned full on Team Darkling, he is now my baby, my child, my husband, I love him, I want to give hugs and kisses and keep him safe and help him commit genocides. So here we are...

[grandhotelabyss]

speaking of Ulysses, on a semi-related note, can you recommend any novels that portray the relationship between a mother and son? Why does it seem there are fewer mother-son novels? For whatever reason, Bovary and Anna Karenina don't feel like strong examples. As I Lay Dying?

As I Lay Dying is good. I guess Sons and Lovers is the canonical example, maybe illustrating why others avoid this subject matter: the canon's incest motif, which Freud hardly invented.

The Greeks give us Oedipus and Medea, the incestuous son and the murderous mother; the Hebrews give us Sarah, Rebecca, Tamar, etc., the mothers ambitious for their sons as proxies; and Christianity, our first pass at synthesizing Athens and Jerusalem, gives us on the one hand Christ's hostility to his mother as a blockage of the universal and on the other hand the mysterious icon of the virgin mother.

So the tradition renders the whole thing difficult from the start, first of all. Then, as long as there were "separate spheres" for men and women, male writers replicated Christ's repudiation and female writers were mostly childless women. In the transition from Stephen Hero to A Portrait, Joyce excises his mother from his bildung only to have Stephen cry out in Ulysses, "No, mother. Let me be and let me live." At the other end of the century, Roth buries his mother's death, however movingly, in the first Zuckerman trilogy, while his father's death gets a whole memoir. Then this, in the second Zuckerman trilogy:

You don't have to murder your father. The world will do that for you. There are plenty of forces out to get your father. The world will take care of him, as it had indeed taken care of Mr. Silk. Who there is to murder is the mother, and that's what he saw he was doing to her, the boy who'd been loved as he'd been loved by this woman. Murdering her on behalf of his exhilarating notion of freedom! It would have been much easier without her. But only through this test can he be the man he has chosen to be, unalterably separated from what he was handed at birth, free to struggle at being free like any human being would wish to be free. To get that from life, the alternate destiny, on one's own terms, he must do what must be done.

Jesus couldn't have said it better. Except for the pointed example of Mary Shelley—and the bitterly ironic one of Charlotte Brontë, who died of morning sickness—Morrison is the first ultra-canonical female writer to have been a mother, and a mother of sons. But though Morrison wrote both the novel of maternity in the American canon and one of the best male bildungsromane, there was never a mother-son novel.

This article tries to "puncture the myth" of the childless female writer, which begins with Woolf, but its examples of female writers who had "plenty of babies" are mostly second-raters, as Woolf could have told them; Gaskell is the best they can do until the Silent Generation. The great male writers who had children, by the way, fucked their kids up pretty much to a man—even Hawthorne, by all accounts a model and devoted father with none of the problems exhibited by Dickens, Tolstoy, Joyce, Hemingway, etc.

Anyway, the thing to keep in mind about the childless writer is the allegorical significance of Homer's blindness: it means that, being blind, he could hardly have been a warrior, but he possessed the poet's second sight to grasp and capture the essence of the warrior's existence. Thus I myself write from the maternal point of view all the time.

Now that men and women no longer live in separate spheres, now that more mothers are major writers, now that fathers are expected to tend infants from birth, now that nobody has any children at all, now that universal queerness obsolesces the very word "mother," etc., the whole structure of the question may change. I am agnostic about whether the social developments of the last half-century are able to be stabilized by technology and economic growth or not; if not, then they mark the end or decadence of an imperial cycle, and we'll return to a barbarous stage when only warriors and mothers will matter at all, and nobody will do much writing, and men like me and women like Woolf will for practical purposes cease to exist, slaughtered on the rocks as useless to the tribe.

Until the grid collapses, though, here's a good idea for a contemporary narrative: a son who wants to be a great artist has a mother who is a great artist, and this in a time when male achievement per se is disparaged. In other words, the mother in the paternal role of the oedipal triangle—or both roles, I guess. Maybe I'll write it!

(It occurs to me—Mr. Rieff, if he reads this, will have to forgive me—that this is part of Sontag's story, too. Perhaps I'll put it in my play.)

[squadron-of-damned]

Is Ace Attorney a good series to play? Which entries do you recommend?

It depends on your definition of good. Also I am hardly an expert, because I've cleared only the first two games in the series.

Ace Attorney is humorous and absurd. It's also dated back to 2001, so expect the old games not to be keeping up with the times as far as the themes go; it can be casually cruel to you. It haphazardly mixes anime and video-game logic with impactful real life parallels. Just when you think you have figured it out and are prepared for the next gag joke about the power of police and how it controls everything without being able to find its own arse even when they have a detailed map and an anatomical atlas a guy literally named Dick Gumshoe punches you in the emotional gut by having a meltdown and crisis of what his own worth to the world is. And then he turns around and goes "But I'm the world's best chef, I can make instant ramen like no one!"

Be prepared to get frustrated over "that is in no way obvious or logical!" prepare to have a favourite character who is an ultimate idiot. (It doesn't matter who will be your favourite, everyone is an idiot.) Prepare for an interactive visual novel where you aren't given choices to actually influence the outcome. Prepare to shout "WHAT? HOW?" a lot. Really really a lot. There will be a point where you will ask yourself "Can this shit-show be any more of a circus?" and the game will turn around and show you that yes, yes it can. (Turnabout Big Top might not be the most amazing episode, but it has impeccable timing.)

It's not a bad game and it is, in my opinion, a highly enjoyable game. Alternatively if you don't want to take a part in the absurd clusterfuck of a roller coaster.

I personally can’t play it for long in one sitting; I get emotionally charged and need to walk the charge off. I’ve walked many many kilometres to get through Farewell My Turnabout and Turnabout Goodbyes. At least I stay fit. But with mindless hack-and-slashers or puzzle games or strategy games I don’t have this problem. For the same reason I’m also stuck on Disco Elysium (objectively a great game, also very depressing). On the plus side AA is mostly character driven, which is something I am very much into.

My suggestion is that you play/watch a let's play chronologically in order of release. At least the first three games (Ace Attorney: Phoenix Wright, Ace Attorney: Justice For All and Ace Attorney: Trials and Tribulations) rely on each other that you know what happened in the previous installments. It also doesn't make much sense to play Ace Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney when you don't know who is that depressed guy in a beanie and what he's been up to previously. Ace Attorney Investigations will land flat when you didn't want to strangle its protagonist Miles Edgeworth with your bare hands for that autopsy bullshit he's pulled, not to mention meeting young Franziska. The Great Ace Attorney, which are set in 19th century are going to have you so lost without knowing the main series.

Start with the original trilogy of AA:PW, AA:JFA and AA:T&T, see how it goes. On Steam there are several good walkthrougs that spoiler the minimum of the story. Hug Wendy Oldbag for me, girl has shit luck. Also hug Maya. Dear gods, hug Maya.

[happytapirstudio]

May 2024 Book Log

(bold means new this month)

The Balkan Wars: Conquest, Revolution and Retribution from the Ottoman Era to the Twentieth Century and Beyond by André Gerolymatos

The Chronicles of Prydain Book 1: The Book of Three by Lloyd Alexander (half-reread) (finished)

The Chronicles of Prydain Book 2: The Black Cauldron by Lloyd Alexander

The Dinosaur Lords by Victor Milán

Dinosaur Summer by Greg Bear

The Fire Within by Chris D'Lacey

Graceling by Kristin Cashore (unfinished)

My Good Man by Eric Gansworth

Orochi Volume 2 by Kazou Umezz

Pegasus Book 1: The Flame of Olympus by Kate O'Hearn (finished)

Persepolis by Marjane Satrapi (reread)

Safe Area Goražde: The War in Eastern Bosnia 1992-95 by Joe Sacco (reread)

It looks like I've read sooo much this month but that's a fucking lie. I should redesign how I present this information. Or like. Maybe just not have so many books open at once.

Anyway my perception of time this month has gone absolutely sideways, and while typing this up, I realized I totally forgot I'd finished reading Pegasus.

What the fuck. Was that ending.

I have similar thoughts on The Fire Within even though I'm not done with it yet...like I guess YA authors circa 2010 planned their whole series out in advance and were totally okay ending on cliffhangers and/or making their entire first book some weird prologue that dances around the actual heart of the series for several hundred pages. I'm over three quarters of the way through The Fire Within and we have yet to have any big dragon reveal. Genuinely thought that was going to happen in chapter three or four. Then I'm like "well certainly by the halfway point." Then "well perhaps it'll be part of the climax, near the end." No go fuck yourself straight to hell, D'Lacey said. Squirrel drama all the way.

Another note on that book: when I initially started reading it, I was really digging the writing style. It had a nice cadence, really flowed off the brain quite well. "Ahhh," I said to myself, "I see why this book was so popular in its day." I don't know if I was just in some special state that night, or if the first couple chapters really were a cut above the rest, but I'm not so in love with the writing now. It's very Disney-esque, in a way I can't elaborate on; which is charming at some times and frustrating at others.

And I genuinely don't understand why David is so caught up with these squirrels. Like 80% of this book is squirrel-related; the dragons (ostensibly what the book is about????) occupy a much smaller space, and information about David himself is laughably scarce. We get a couple throw-away sentences about college, and next to nothing about his childhood or personal life, which makes it that much harder to understand why these squirrels have become the focal point of his life.

Also there is no way in heaven or hell that this book is set in Massachusetts. D'Lacey's British and all his characters are British. Factually. For starters, no single person in the United States is unironically eating toast and beans.

And that's fine???!!! Like apart from the note in the beginning (which I missed the first time) and a joke about the President, there is no strong indication that this book takes place in the US. Nor is there a reason for it to be in the US. This is a very British story, a very British setting, and very British characters with decidedly British mannerisms. It makes me wonder if the story was written to be in England, but some editor went, "Hmmm I think kids would be more interested if this was set in New England instead." Loser.

But yeah. Chalk another one up under Tapir Reads Books Everyone Else Was Obsessed With In Elementary School. This one's for you, Shaun.

I was also really looking forward to Dinosaur Lords, which is part of a trilogy set in an alternate Earth that's juuust enough like real Earth to make you go, "I think that woman's supposed to be Russian", except no one actually calls her Russian. Though they do speak Spanish, Italian, etc. Except it's not called Spanish, Italian, etc. Which is a little aggravating, because, between the giant cast and this slew of dinosaur names, there's already a lot to keep track of. Having to remember Milán's made-up name for Spain, England, Romania, etc. on top of all that is making this book a lot harder than it needs to be.

Enough bitching let me find a few compliments about this book. Ummmmmm. Well there are homosexuals; I can get behind that. He also makes good use of the dinosaurs in his book: reconstructs convincing images of them, builds them fairly well into this alternate reality. I really locked in once we got a chapter from the Allosaurus's perspective. Like YES that's what I'm talking about!!!

But our two main characters are your run-of-the-mill Strong Independent Men, and I've really had enough of that in general. So in addition to stumbling over this exposition I'm holding back my groans every time we switch back to Rob (yes that is his fucking name Rob and yes he's fantasy Irish) and Karyl.

I think part of my frustration, apart from having high hopes, is that a lot of the things Milán does in his book that tick me off are things I've done in mine. And subsequently edited out, even before reading Lords, because I knew they were dragging down the text. I'm not well-versed in High Fantasy in any way, so I can't exactly compare these techniques with the standard--though I'd say, given the genre's tendency for pulling esoteric magic systems and fictional landscapes out of its ass, this is probably on par for the course--but I can compare it to my own work, and that fills me with no insignificant amount of dread.

Okay let's end on a positive note. Persepolis fucking slaps and I'm so glad I'm rereading it as an adult with a fully-formed brain. Thank youuuuuu Marjane Satrapi.