#don't consider those to be a part of my gender identity

[katzenklavierr]

That poll is the first time I've encountered something that just like. Forgot binary trans people exist lmao

Like I don't really consider myself genderqueer, I definitely don't consider myself nonbinary, and I have pretty much zero interest in dissecting how much my intersex status plays into my gender not matching my assigned sex.

I understand not everyone feels this way, but I can't imagine I'm the only one who does.

One of my biggest pet peeves in queer spaces is people automatically assuming that an intersex person's gender label is also intersex or anything else outside of the male/female binary. It feels awfully similar to bioessentialism to assume that someone's sex not being strictly one or the other means their gender can't be, either.

I'm just a man. Trans and intersex are adjectives to describe my body the same way that I might call myself short or dark-haired.

[lorax177]

Fun fatphobia fact of the day:

CMS/HCC is a way for insurance companies to estimate how much money a patient will cost to insure, based on the major problems they have.

This is my list of diagnoses.

I blacked out one of them because it is my intersex condition and has to do with my assigned gender, which I don't want to be associated with my online presence. Also, there are a few repeats because doctors will put in their own phrasing, so sometimes when I switch doctors, I get re-diagnosed with the same thing, with slightly different wording. It's also missing a few diagnoses i got as a kid, namely my autism and a comprehensive list of the specific learning disorders I have, because I didn't think they were relevant to a general practitioner and i didn't want them on my record for safety reasons. Anyways, you'll notice that there are several of them that have the aforementioned CMS/HCC label. Those are schizoaffective disorder, major depression (which is part of my sza,) and two counts of "morbid obesity". My adhd, which I need to take two different medications daily to treat sufficiently enough to function, is not labeled as a major disorder, but my size is. Twice!

You'll notice that nowhere on this list is any diagnosis that is supposedly related to my fatness. That is because, metabolically speaking, my health is perfect. My lipids, a1c, blood pressure, pulse, and o2 are all in the excellent range. I am not on any kind of medications for any of these, either. The fact that I have more body tissue than their ideal, which has no bearing on my actual health, is considered more important to address than my neurodevelopmental disorder that requires two expensive medications to treat. They think that I am more of a risk for them because of an imagined bogeyman of a diagnosis ("morbid obesity", aka being fat) than something which actually has real life functional and financial consequences (my severe combined type adhd). Or, for that matter, my ocd, which I needed intensive outpatient therapy for; my transgender identity, which has cost them thousands of dollars in hormones and surgery; my asthma, which requires two medications to treat; and my gerd, which requires one.

I'm not advocating for medical insurance companies to make it harder for people with these diagnoses to get treatment. I'm just pointing out that the medical system sees me as a drain on their resources specifically because of my weight rather than the diagnoses that actually cost them money (albeit with one exception). They think my adipose tissue, which is not causing me any health problems, is more important to note than most of my legitimate health problems.

That is medical fatphobia.

[dukeofankh]

Trying to find progressive masculine community is so exhausting.

I've flipped through local men's groups, trying to find places to explore masculinity in a chill, progressive setting. First of all, they mostly seem to be modelled after AA, and like, my gender isn't a debilitating addiction, it's part of my identity actually, but also, the invite and description of the event have maybe a short paragraph tops actually waving vaguely in the direction of what the purpose of the group is, and then ten to twenty paragraphs breaking down the rules. One spent longer talking about the hand signals he would use to direct conversation than he did describing what the conversation would be about. Another had a full paragraph explaining that if the group thought you were evading what they thought your "real" problem was, they'd probably "call you to take accountability". Like...I don't even know who these people are yet and they're already letting me know that they view it as their right, no, their duty, to bully me into seeing things their way. Like, this is in the invite.

...and this warning is there instead of any sort of breakdown of like, I dunno. Whether you should be a feminist to show up. Whether it was a safe space for queer men. What the hell they wanted to talk about. Joining a men's space is on some level inherently submitting yourself to the authority of the leaders of that group, and you don't usually get a particularly clear breakdown of what the values and goals of those leaders are, because on some level the answer is always going to be "whatever I want"

And like, unfortunately you do need to filter men to build a men's space. You do need to remove or chastise men who act in ways that are toxic or disruptive or misogynistic. If you don't things turn into an MRA chapter pretty quick. But the sort of emergency powers that leadership takes on as a result of that...just kind of naturally end up reproducing masculine heirarchies.

MensLib, the only online community of progressive dudes talking about masculinity that I'm aware of, is...on Reddit. So there is a moderator system. In theory, a moderator is there to...moderate. This is a space where people are going to be talking, and mods are there to make sure things don't get too toxic or off topic.

The issue is that, on some level, that is technically a leadership position. In a sub trying to rehabilitate masculinity. So you've got a bunch of folks who view themselves as the leaders of this bastion of goodness standing against the depredations of the misogynistic internet, guiding the hapless smooth-brain neophytes towards The True Way.

In practice, this looks like 95 percent of the posts submitted for the subreddit being rejected. That isn't hyperbole. On average, the sub has about one new post per day. Almost all posts directly relating a personal experience are deleted immediately, in favour of articles written about masculinity in traditional media publications, which are considered more trustworthy than the sus lived experiences of the guys in the sub. The post I wrote here about the effect of purity culture on male sexual shame that's sitting at about 15K notes was based on a 10K word post I wrote for Reddit that was deleted because "I didn't cite any sources to prove that there is a link between purity culture and male sexual shame, or that my experience was anything more than anecdotal". I get comments deleted on a regular basis, and after paragraphs of protesting in modmail that my comments are both fully in line with feminism and not against the rules, the mods have just finally told me that the rules don't actually drive their actions as a team. They delete anything they feel leads the conversation in a direction they personally feel is unproductive. The rule cited at the time of deletion is really just the broad category of why they decided to hit the button that says nobody is allowed to read what I wrote.

The issue is kind of twofold. First of all, progressive men do not trust other men. A good dude knows that he, individually, is a good person, but literally any other man external to him is on thin ice. Do you really want to tie your wagon to that guy? Do you trust him, really? How do you tell the difference between a guy criticizing an article because it's factually incorrect and criticising it because a woman wrote it? Probably best to play it safe and delete it. Weight of the odds, he's probably a misogynist, right? This is the internet.

And thats the other half of it. If you view yourself as part of the leadership of The Good Guys, and you're getting hatemail from incels and facists all day, you get to the point where most of the time people challenge your authority it's because they're a terrible person. It is very, very easy to get to the point where someone challenging you is seen as evidence that they are a bad person. And now someone is challenging you (and therefore bad), in an environment where you are in charge, and you have a "make your opponent disappear" button.

I know. A Reddit mod was rude to me and now I'm butthurt. It's petty and stupid. I'm just feeling like there's nowhere else to really go, and I'm pretty despondent that literally every space I've seen that even looks like it might be for progressive men has the same deeply hierarchical structure and constant status-oriented squabbling as patriarchal spaces.

[thatfeyboy]

I need to know why it makes people so unreasonably upset to suggest that some dysphoric trans people probably should be considered intersex. Do you just. Hate trans people? Or is it because anything that makes trans physical isn't allowed?

It has been stated many many times that not all trans people have dysphoria, and not all trans people that do experience the same dysphoria. It has been harped on that gender is social and about presentation and isn't binary. Fine. But somehow when I or people like me talk about having physical and immutable dysphoria that doesn't stem from social means it's not ok. When I bring up that yes, some parts of the brain control your hormones and gonads, and yes, some parts recognize what you are and should look like, im treated like a fucking gender critical.

Why is it wrong to say that parts of the brain do in fact qualify as sex related because that's what they are for? If they dont physically square with the binary(naturally, not through intervention) then that person is not binary/intersex in their physical disposition by definition. It's not exactly a hard concept to grasp.

And because I have to, no, most aspects of the brain are not related to our bimodal sex system. There can in fact be gender/sex nuance in certain parts of the brain without claiming male and female type brains exist as a whole. Fear of some shitty crack pot idea should not prevent people from understanding scientific inquiry and research.

Being intersex does not make the trans experience more or less valid/real. But I'm tired of pretending I'm a man for reasons that absolutely don't apply to me. Nothing about my being trans has anything to do with how I want to socially be, aside as an extension of others viewing my body as I wish it to be. If there is really room in the community for all of us, then my saying that some of our experience is different shouldn't be a problem.

EDIT: Thank you for some of your responses. I would like to amend my statement slightly. When I mentioned intersex I was more trying to imply, as I lacked a better word, that it is clear some if not most trans people that experience dysphoria have a physical developmental reason for that, likely epigenetic, genetic, and pre natal conditions. This type of sense is in most people, including cis people, hence why you cannot train someone to be a gender they aren't(no desistance of gender identity in both cis and trans people regardless of treatment). If intersex is to be interpreted as things exclusively affecting external or internal primary sex traits(as to be read, physically involved in the act of procreation) that are only ever natal, then I am ok in accepting intersex is not the best fit(except for that PCOS study but not super relevant rn).

That being said, I do still believe it is a part of sex and sex/gender development and that it is a physical condition(most anatomy based dysphoria). I don't see why it being a part of sex and sex development is a problem, when it has no other answer that satisfies our actual understanding of the condition and those peoples experience. Anything based on socialization has been disproven time and time again, so when are we going to stop acting like this

[transgenderteensurvivalguide]

up until recently i ran a pretty popular radfem blog (stay with me, this ask is in good faith) but after i took a social media detox, i realized i don’t share those beliefs anymore and in fact i might be trans myself. i just kind of abandoned the blog, but i’d feel bad if i didn’t tell my followers what happened. i’m scared of telling anyone because i feel like i’d be a bad feminist if i transitioned. (i know, you can be trans and a feminist just fine, but that’s just the kind of thing radfems tell you.) even worse, i’m scared of posting about it on my main or radfem blog because radfems and trans people by and large hate each other (obv), and i’m scared to mention i’ve been in both groups because of the hate i’ll get

Lee says:

When I first started as a mod, I would have told you that you need to immediately post on all your blogs to disown the transphobic beliefs you had previously expressed to try to make up for the harm that you may have perpetrated as a radfem.

Now that I'm a little older, my feelings on the topic have shifted a bit. Before anything else, I think you need to slow down and make sure that you ensure your own safety and mental health.

If you believe that revealing this change to your followers could result in backlash online that would affect you emotionally, it's crucial to prepare by turning off anonymous asks and muting notifications from social media apps.

You should also make sure you have a non-online place to turn for support. If they used to be your community, you may feel like you've lost online friends, so make sure you don't become too isolated. Instead, lean on your IRL connections and seek support from trans-friendly people in your community.

You may even want to consider looking for a therapist-- questioning being trans can be difficult for anyone, and adding a layer of internalized transphobia doesn't help.

When you're ready to share your feelings on your blog, you should write a thoughtful post explaining your journey. You don't have to justify your identity; rather, focus on your personal growth, how your views have evolved, and how you came to understand yourself better. Acknowledge the complexity of the situation and that you're still learning.

These people were once your buddies and there's a chance you may be able to make some of them question their beliefs too if you don't lash out at them and trigger that instinctual defensive us-versus-them mindset, so I would try to keep a friendly tone even while noting that you no longer support them.

So thank your followers for their support and engagement over the years, but tell them you aren't comfortable staying part of their community now that you've realized that the beliefs underpinning the group are doing damage and you are trying to unlearn that type of thinking.

Gently challenge any misconceptions you once held or promoted. Clarify that being trans and feminist are not mutually exclusive and that everyone deserves respect and equality, regardless of their gender identity.

If you're comfortable, share resources that helped you on your journey. This could be educational materials, support groups, books you found helpful, or contact information for trans-supportive LGBTQ+ organizations. If there's anything you'd recommend to others who were once in the same place as you were on getting out, this is the time to share your advice.

Understand that reactions will likely be mixed. Some followers may feel confused, betrayed, or angry, while others might be supportive or even share their similar experiences. Remember, you're not responsible for their reactions and you don't need to respond to them if you don't want to argue and they aren't willing to have a respectful conversation.

Be clear about your boundaries. Let your followers know what kind of comments you're willing to engage with and that hate or harassment won't be tolerated. You can even stop engaging with the account altogether if you don't think you can deal with the hate that you may receive.

You don't have to post about this immediately. Again, it's okay to take as much time as you need to feel ready. It's okay to wait until you're in a safe and stable position before making any announcements.

If you do post about it and get hate, remind yourself that you're doing the right thing by letting go of that community, and that you're not only making the right choice for your own life in allowing yourself the freedom to explore your gender identity but you're also doing the right thing overall since you're now standing up for the trans community (late is better than never!) and no longer encouraging transphobic narratives.

If you feel that your current blog is no longer a space where you can express yourself authentically, consider starting a new blog or platform where you can write freely about your experiences and beliefs. Or just get offline altogether-- your digital detox is what started this, so maybe it's healthy for you to continue it for a while!

If you tell someone "I support trans folks" and they send you hate, that person is not your friend anyway. This is an opportunity to meet nice people who you can be yourself with. I would really encourage you to connect with IRL activists who are actually regularly volunteering and doing something concrete for their community if you have the opportunity.

When I was in high school, I volunteered at my local library's teen advisory board, and when I was in college I volunteered at a local hospital and through my college. This weekend I'm starting training for volunteering in-person for my town's emergency preparedness group which also does things like help to unload trucks for the food pantry, and I also volunteer remotely for two organizations online.

I'm really pushing for you to get out and volunteer (online or IRL) because I know one draw of the radfem community is feeling like you're an activist and that you're supporting women's rights and protecting and defending women. And it is important to support women's rights and protect and defend women! But there are other ways to do that beyond running a hateful blog attacking trans women.

I have a friend who works at an organization for survivors of domestic violence, for example, and she works with volunteers who help staff events, answer the hotline, etc. You can look around and see what local initiatives there are in your community and if you can't find the thing you're looking for you can start a group yourself or look online and join a national or state-wide cause that you care about, like pushing the legislature to support access to abortions.

Giving up the radfem community doesn't mean giving up feminism, and this is a good opportunity for you to take a look at your own time, your values, and think about how you can take this chance to start working to be a more effective feminist. Not everyone has to be an activist, but if you want to be one, think about how you can start doing good in a way that will actually affect people in a positive way.

I've also often been involved in doing events like conferences and workshops and panels IRL from my time in high school to the present day to try and educate folks on the community, but I also know that sometimes you need to take a step back and prioritize yourself. If you think you're not ready to jump into making change that's also okay. Just join something. A soccer team, a book club, anything hobby-related, to have something else to do and talk about and think about and stay tethered to feeling part of something.

Remember, it's okay to grow and change. You're not betraying anyone by being true to yourself. It's a courageous step to admit when your views have changed, and it's an integral part of personal growth. Be kind to yourself during this process.

Whether or not you end up identify as trans, you still will be doing the right thing by separating yourself from that community. I know it may be difficult because they were a place where you felt supported and part of a movement, but I really believe that you're taking steps in the right direction by letting go of that ideology and just living your life!

Followers, if you have any experiences unlearning toxic beliefs please reply with your advice for anon!

[cardentist]

Fam how can one be trans in the direction of their assigned sex? I'm not even trying to make the idea sound ridiculous or anything. I'm genuinely curious and want to understand. I thought the whole meaning of trans was that you feel or act in the opposite direction of your assigned sex; if you're transfem but you're afab then to me that's just cisgender??? But like please explain to me how that's not the case if that's what you and others strongly feel so I may grow my compassion

Context: [Link]

well ! while I personally am not intersex, I DO want to highlight intersex people first and foremost.

gender and sex are very Very complex, and I think generally people don't consider the way that being intersex can play a big role in that!

there are intersex people who are afab who are also trans women, there are intersex people who are amab who are trans men, there are intersex people with many Many different relationships with sex and gender and anywhere in between !

an afab person can be born with masculine sex characteristics and transition the way trans women often do. that person May identify as trans, they may not ! that trans person may not even consider themselves a woman depending on who they are and what they want !

I Do think there needs to be an effort to be aware of and make space for intersex people within the trans community, and really the wider queer community as a whole. as it's often something that's given a footnote without deeper thought into the ways that intersex people Actually interact with our communities.

which I don't blame people for not already knowing ! that's the whole point of trying to educate people in the first place ^^

.

and as for Myself

labels are, ultimately, a form of gender presentation. what you call yourself is an extension of not only how you see yourself, but how Other People perceive you.

I could call myself nonbinary or I could call myself trans masc, and both would be Accurate. but people have certain traits and expectations and associations when they see those labels. there are assumptions made about the kind of life that I live, the things that I want, the things I might experience, that change depending on which labels that I use.

and that's not Inherently a bad thing ! I mean, that's part of why people Like labels. but it Can be a struggle for people whose gender is Funny.

I could Also describe myself as genderqueer or multi-gender or genderfluid or gnc or-. I've tried on lots and lots of labels, and for the most part I haven't thrown any of them out, I just keep them in a box under my bed and take them out when relevant.

I've been wrestling with the feminine aspect of my identity for a very Very long time. I've been aware that I'm some level of trans masc. that part was easy. I want a deeper voice, I want things about my body to change, I don't want people to look at me and see a cis woman.

but I Also like femininity. I've found that after accepting myself as trans masc and slowly growing an environment where I am Perceived as masculine, I've started getting euphoria at presenting femininely in the Same way that I did (and do!) get about presenting masculinely.

but that feeling doesn't carry over when I'm perceived as a cis woman. it's Quite Uncomfortable for obvious gender reasons.

and while I may not know the exact Words that I'd use to describe it (as I've said, I've been chewing on it for Many years now), I've gotten a clearer idea of how I Feel.

I want to be Visibly trans. I want to be perceived masculinely And femininely. I want to transition masculinely to present femininely (and sometimes butch, sometimes like your dad at the ace hardware store, I contain multitudes).

and of course, figuring out what I have going on has involve a lot of exploration ! it's the same way I figured out the whole trans masc thing in the first place. seeking out other trans people and other Things About trans people feeling things out.

I find ! that I have a lot of shared experiences with transfeminine people. both in how I feel about certain things, some of the presentation that I want, and in how people would React To said presentation.

my femininity Is Trans, I don't relate to cis womanhood. but I Do relate to trans femininity. which is really awkward for me, because it's difficult to describe it to other people fjksldljkasfdjklfasd

(I don't personally consider myself a trans woman mind, but I'm certain there Are people who are trans men and trans women at the same time. gender is complicated, sex is complicated. labels are malleable and sometimes situational)

Could I describe myself with a different label? probably ! I've got lots of them. but when I Don't put emphasis on this aspect of myself people assume that it's not there. insist that it Couldn't be there, and I don't know what I'm talking about. and those people who Would act nasty towards me probably aren't gonna change their mind just because I changed my bio. but it feels Nice to assert that aspect of myself when other people are trying to tear it down.

.

part of me feels like I should post the intersex portion of this by itself, because people tend to engage more with shorter posts and there's nothing Short about my gender situation ljkfdasjkls

but ! I dunno, if this makes even one person understand the gray areas of gender and presentation a little more it'll be worth it.

thank you for taking the time to ask ! and especially for doing so kindly ! I do hope you'll see this

[freakenomenon]

okay hereeee are some ted opinions that i feel as though i should share before i explode with frustration.

teds paranoia is due to AM of course, yes. this is horribly tragic and what AM has done to the survivors is HORRIBLE. but.... it doesn't excuse the CLEAR misogynistic bias ( and possible racial bias STAY WITH ME HERE IM BLACK I AM THE MOST CERTIFIED TO TALK ABOUT THIS. ) ted displays towards ellen. when talking about the others he doesn't make derogatory statements towards their gender identities or their choices within their past lives. especially with benny being gay he only states that AM had sexually humiliated him because of it, which does not mean he agrees with it. but then when he shifts over to ellen it's so OBVIOUS how victim blamey and sexist his words are. implying that she enjoys servicing them and that AM had given her pleasure despite her clearly not wanting any of that. he doesnt only just GLOSS OVER the sexual humiliation of benny, he uses it against ELLEN. paranoia does not CAUSE bigotry to sprout, as someone with paranoia if anything it's more offensive to IMPLY that it would cause saying something that horrendous to a SEXUAL ASSAULT VICTIM. ( not only talking about the elevator here by the way, ellen being forced to service the others can genuinely be considered proximity assault and COERCION but whatever ) yes, i do feel bad for ted in the aspect that he is a torture victim and he's gone through so much and that he has genuinely been driven mad. but bigotry within madness cannot be justified in ANY right. it's also very insulting to his character to imply that his ONLY personality traits are being a douchebag. yes it's a big part of him because he is ,,, a douchebag. but to truly understand why you shouldn't like ted as a PERSON ( not as a character, he's very well written do whatever you want ) you have to peel away exactly at what makes his actions unjustifiable in the end.

moving on, his portrayal in the game is both interesting and completely absurd and horrendous. let me start this off by saying. Ted. Does NOT. love ellen. Ted is not ACTUALLY in love with this woman. He's just clinging to whatever he can for validation and he believes that he is ENTITLED to her validation because of his isolation and belief that the MEN hate him. not to mention his warped view on sex due to him being groomed may have led him to believe that sex = love. the short sporadic and awfully humiliating sparks of passion between ellen and ted during those intimate moments, especially for a grooming victim. may be incredibly confusing and conflicting. which of course is not at all teds fault, he's a victim. i don't blame him for that. teds character in the game in some aspects couldve been a beautifully done portrayal of how "love" and a want for it can bring out the worst in someone. that having trauma doesn't always make good functioning morally correct members of society. in other aspects. it's. bad. God fucking. JESUS it's bad i don't even want to talk about how horrendous he is written in the game christ on a celery stick. I can't even say this is because of my personal disliking of ted. all of the characters are so STRANGELY written in the game that is actually absurd in resemblance to their characters in the short story. but whatever.

rant over.

[friend-of-a-cat]

So... I'm doing research for a piece of creative non-fiction (a personal essay) I'm writing for one of my uni assignments about the fact that I'm asexual and demiromantic and think that we, as a wider society, have gotten the concepts of love and attraction all wrong, and I've been researching more into the split attraction model because, well, I see it as something that's important and relevant, and this came up in my Google search:

The initial red flag of this article is the fact that it's on BetterHelp. I didn't see this at first, and did a double take.

Anyway, the first thing I would like to ask is: what are these 'cons'? As far as I'm concerned, there are none. I understand that, for many people, romantic and sexual attraction are intrinsically linked, but, for many, they're not, and the split attraction model existing doesn't harm the former - it helps the latter. The latter includes people who are on the asexual and/or aromantic spectrums, as well as people who are, for example, heteromantic and bisexual, panromantic and homosexual, biromantic and heterosexual, etc. - basically anyone whose experiences differ between their romantic and sexual attraction.

I do find it a bit annoying that, when many people talk about both of these kinds of attraction, they lump them into one 'label', which is mostly [something]sexual (e.g. heterosexual, homosexual, etc.). But, for them, the two are linked, so referring to themselves as [something]sexual to cover both seems fine and dandy. Which... it is. However, I find it wild that people don't realise that, despite the fact that the two may seem linked to them, they are actually two different experiences. People who are both alloromantic and allosexual should be able to see this, right? They can think someone is sexually attractive yet not be romantically attracted to or want to date them. That is a thing that can happen.

Anyway, I decided to read through the article. It isn't bad, per se - much of the information is useful, and it seemed to be quite positive. Until I got to the 'cons':

Now, I'm not really into the discourse surrounding the split attraction model - in fact, I didn't realise there was discourse surrounding it. This is because I tend to, either accidently or on purpose, avoid discourse in general. But... 'oversexualisation'? In what context? If anything, not using the split attraction model would be considered 'oversexualisation' (even though I don't think that that is, either - I honestly don't know why this word has been brought up here) due to the fact that many people focus on sexual attraction over any kind of attraction and use it to cover romantic attraction, too, when they talk about it. I genuinely have no idea what they are referring to here.

In regard to the second point: what? Attraction is complex. That's the whole thing. The split attraction model makes it less complex for many people. It allows people to figure out who they are and have the terminology to be able to voice it. Attraction is a spectrum and so is gender. Of course both of them are going to be complex. Society made both of them rigid in the first place, so breaking out of those rigidities is going to be confusing for everyone. The split attraction model helps people understand themselves, and I would like to think it helps them understand others. Everyone benefits.

I don't know if I can speak much on the third point, as I'm not familiar with the discourse, as I previously mentioned, and don't really know what it entails. Though, in saying this... what do they mean? When has asexuality - or aromanticism, for that matter - ever been prioritised over other queer identities? There's a severe lack of discussion and education surrounding both of them. That's just a fact. People who are asexual and/or aromantic are oftentimes even shunned by the wider queer community they are a part of. I don't really have much more to add on this point because I'm so confused by it. By the way, this article barely talks about aromanticism, despite the fact that it's an important part of this model, too.

The last point is just a rehash of the second point. If I was told about any of this stuff growing up, I would have realised I was ace and demiromantic from the start. Instead, I realised I was ace a few years ago after watching Jaiden Animations' video about the fact that she's aroace (I don't want to use the term 'coming out' here because, frankly, I hate it - I'll save that rant for another time). I only realised I was demiromantic in the past month after... realising that people getting romantic crushes on and/or falling in love with someone when they barely know them is actually a thing that happens and isn't fake. These two terms fit me best at the moment, and explain everything. If I had've known these terms as a teenager, that would have been great. The split attraction model helped me so much in breaking down myself and my identity, and offered me the foundation I needed to ask myself questions. Yeah, attraction and gender are confusing - I said it before, and I'll say it again. But why would you cast something so helpful aside? That will only hinder people - both those who are struggling with their own identity and those who are trying to understand the identities of others. Education surrounding the complexities and spectrums of attraction and gender are so important, and this model will help people teach other people about attraction.

I also read a bunch of hate comments, as one does whenever they go on Reddit or Twitter or literally any social media platform ever, regarding the split attraction model. This didn't surprise me. These specific people seem to hate this model because... well, I don't really know. They were mostly spewing aphobia. I don't think a single one had a constructive point. Also, most of the search results for 'split attraction model' on Google are actually critiques of it, or articles talking about critiques of it and being on the fence. Come on, people. Do better.

Anyway, the split attraction model is important. Education is important. Allowing people to figure out who they are and express it is important. This should all go without saying.

That is all.

[boredom-reigns]

You know, as frustrating as aro discourse existing in 2024 is, it's kinda made me think of stuff.

Primarily, how seeing some non-aspec people's responses to aromanticism really highlight how some just don't understand or don't try to understand what the aromantic experience is like.

It's easy to brush off aromantics. It's easy for them to say "oh but you're straight-passing anyway" and then say that there's no reason for aromantics to cling to the lgbtq+ community—to cling to any community at all.

But you know? I feel like what a lot of non-aspecs don't get is just how fucking alienating being aspec is.

Hell, before I even identified as aromantic, I just felt so disconnected from society because I couldn't fall in love. I remember just feeling something was so wrong about me because everyone was talking about falling in love and having crushes and the media everywhere says you need to find The One and get married and that romance is a requirement for a happily ever after. And it’s not like I didn't know gay people existed! I knew! Because I tried to check if I was gay or bi or pan—I tried so hard to get attracted to people, and I just never did.

There's just that specific feeling of loneliness... wondering if somehow you were broken in some way. And that fear of thinking you'll never be happy because society promotes the idea that romance is True Love. That it is the best relationship you can have in your life. That you will never get a happy ending and that you will die alone.

Discovering that aromanticism is a thing made me feel normal. It told me I'm not broken—that other people like me existed. And that's why the community is important to me. Because the feeling of thinking something is wrong with you is something I don't want others to feel. The more people know and discuss aromanticism, the less people have to experience the negative emotions that I and other aromantics felt.

And aromanticism just doesn't feel alienating in the cishetallo society. It's can be so fucking isolating being in the lgbtq+ community too. Th

Because this is a place that's supposed to accept anybody who diverges from the societal norm of cishetallo. But no, we're either rejected, excluded, or treated invisible. People don't bother to listen to aspec experiences. People would say they support aspec people but then turn around and spout aphobic rhetoric.

So then this ngl, it's honestly kinda predictable that this discourse pops up and people go "oh aspec people are queer but—" NO BUTS! Aspec people are queer. Cishetaro and cishetaces are queer. No ifs and buts.

Why is the aspec identity inherently considered less priority than the cishet identity? Aspec isn't some secondary label—it's a part of who we are. An aromantic heterosexual still diverges from the norm. They have experiences that heteroromantic heterosexuals would never understand. They are still hit with amatonormativity and heteronormativity.

And at that point, yeah, I get it. Those arophobes probably think it's easy to ignore being aromantic in day-to-day life. I've seen people assume we just put on the label, then don't have society tell us we're wrong for being who we are. That we don't need a community.

To that, I say: listen to aromantic people. Listen to their experiences. Try to understand what it's like to live in our shoes.

But also—queerness isn't about oppression. The lgbtq+ community exists so people who aren't part of the "normal" in regards to gender and sexuality can find a safe space. So that people wouldn't feel alone and broken and realize that there's more people like them than they think. So that we can break these societal norms that just harm all of us.

Basically, my god, shut up. We're queer, we're here, and we're aromantic.

[secret-smut-sideblog]

It Will Come Back

Astarion x F! Tav

(Girl Talk part 2)

18+ implied trauma, talks of death, drinking, possessiveness, feelings developing, vulnerability, blood drinking, sub/dom, gender play, grinding, strap on use, penetration (m!), prostate orgasm, tenderness

Their shared night has been tormenting him, after staking his claim he found himself needing to be near her. And after a night of drinking, seeing her with someone else, he had to have her again...

Part 1

-

He was mid wipe of his bloody mouth but was now frozen on the treeline, her voice shouting out into the night.

Though he knew the Underdark would have been much easier he was grateful that she had chosen the Mountain Pass. He already was able to find plentiful wildlife.

When Halsin had insisted that going underground was the better route he saw her body go rigid. Closing her eyes briefly. Taking a steadying breath out.

"I know the Underdark, its... lethal. We're taking the high ground." Her voice uncharacteristically stern. Tone clear, this was not a discussion.

Karlach had reached out to take her shoulder in a reassuring grip and pulled back at the last second, remembering her heat. A sadness in her eyes.

Now, in the darkness of camp she was bolted upright from her trance. "No!" Hand flying to her chest. Her shout breaking the air.

He stepped forward, uncertain.

But Karlach awoke, sitting up quickly. Coming to her side, kneeling next to her as close as possible without scorching.

"You're okay, love." She reassured. "Just a bad dream."

Tav looked up at her tearfully. Hand still pressed hard to her chest. Rubbing back and forth. "Oh Gods, they're starting again."

Shaking her head, looking deep in Karlach's eyes. As if the sight of her could erase whatever she woke from.

"I get those too, soldier. Some nightmares stick. Miserable things that they are." Reaching for her arm again, pulling away frustrated. "Gods I wish I could touch you."

Tav smiled, sitting up. Leaning towards her. "I want that too. We'll catch Dammon on the way, don't worry."

"You want to talk about your dream?" Karlach asked quietly.

"Not really, but it might help." She sighed.

He suddenly felt like he was intruding, staring down at them. Though he did want to console her he was hopeless at that kind of thing.

She froze for a second, turning her head.

"Ah, what did I tell you about trying to sneak up on me?" She smiled, catching him in her peripheral.

"Apologies, I was just coming back from hunting. I'll head back to my tent, but do carry on." He quipped. Chest tight.

"Actually, I dont mind you staying." She shrugged. "Believe it or not your company is very welcome."

He really considered it, but he had been avoiding her since that night and this was far too intimate.

"I appreciate that, but I'll have to decline. Do tell me if you need any hands on help though. Goodnight, sweet things."

His tent wasn't far and he was glad of it. Moving on light feet and closing the flap behind him. Sitting with his back against the entrance.

Their voices were faint but his keen ears were sharper. Their conversation picking back up after a moment.

"Gods I really thought they had gone away. But that fucking dream visitor..." The venom in her voice surprising him.

"It looked like her. My sister." Low now, he could barely pick it up. "Whatever that thing is it isnt afraid to play dirty."

"I didn't know you had a sister." Karlach's voice soft.

"A twin. We're identical." A tired sigh. "She's dead. Has been for, Gods, at least a decade. Even in my long life I dont know if it'll ever feel real."

"I'm so sorry, love." Karlach's voice low and mournful. Moving into a whisper.

He picked at the seam of his pants, suddenly feeling guilty. Given how self assured she was he hadn't even considered that she might have a troubled past. They all had their weight to bear, it seems.

Sitting still in the morning light he felt at peace. Or as close to peace as he could manage. The sun warming him through.

He soaked it in greedily, making up for 200 years of lost time. If he was a religious man he would pray to the morning god Lathandar, but the Gods weren't worth the praise.

"Morning, Star." She yawned, passing in front of his tent.

He squinted his eyes open, something he regretted immediately.

In the morning light her long red hair glowed, out of it's crown braid falling in cascades down her back. The grey ochre of her skin picking up hues of pink and a smattering of freckles he had never noticed before across her nose. Eyes dark and light in equal measure, the subtle ring of green in the white around her pupil contrasting sharply with her red hair.

She looked like an oil painting come to life.

Realizing he was staring he cast his eyes to the treeline.

Too late, she saw. Of course she did.

She smiled, coming to sit down next to him.

"Hungry?" She asked easily, holding up her wrist. Still rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

He stared at it, the soft flesh, the vein blue underneath. Her long fingers curled back elegantly.

"Before you've had your breakfast? How ravenous do you take me for?"

"Oh my heart, I am such a wilted flower I couldnt possibly stand such trials! Oh watch me wither away before your very eyes!" She held the back of her hand to her forehead, leaning back dramatically.

He smiled, despite himself. "I thought you nobility types were of a softer constitution." Taking her wrist gingerly in his fingers.

"Maybe on the surface. In the Underdark its kill or be killed. If you haven't had an assassination against you by the time you learn to walk you're considered a failure." She laughed, but he wasnt sure if she was exaggerating.

"Well I am a little peckish..." He mused.

He wasn't. He had a full meal last night. But the draw of her blood, being offered so easily. Gods she would be the second death of him.

He brushed his lips against the curve of her wrist, breathing in her scent. Apple, cayenne, vanilla. Gods he could get drunk on it.

He sank in as gentle as he could. Her blood bursting into his mouth. Trying to keep some sense of decorum as their companions milled around them. Resisting the urge to grip down and growl.

Vaguely aware of Shadowheart's disapproving sigh. "In front of my oatmeal?"

"Oh please, I know you'd want this too if you were sanguine." Tav smiled, unfazed. Sending her a sultry look.

He glanced up momentarily, seeing Shadowheart's blush at her flirting. Shooting him a quick cut with her eyes. Turning abruptly back to her bowl.

He felt a proud thrill in his chest. That's right, he was the one buried in her wrist. Suck it Shadowheart.

Tav tapped his forearm twice. "Going a little numb here, handsome."

He pulled off with a quiet gasp. "Apologies, I must have been more hungry that I realized." Lies. Lies upon lies.

Handsome, he turned that word over in his head. He wanted her to call him pretty.

Blinked in shock at his thoughts.

Gods this is why he had been avoiding her. That night had been haunting him. He had tried to push the intense pleasure she had milked out of him into the past. The way she had touched him, soft but commanding.

Her words playing on repeat in his mind in the late hours of the night.

"Such a good girl for me."

"You okay, Star?" Her voice low, squeezing his knee lightly.

He realized he hadn't released her wrist, his fingers still circled around her.

"Sorry darling, I'm a little off this morning." He leaned down and licked her wound closed.

Noticed her hand hadn't left his knee, her thumb rubbing back and forth gently. The touch lighting him, little trails of fire.

"Anything I could do to help?" Her voice going soft again.

Yes.

"No, but thank you for offering, sweet thing."

He patted her thigh good naturedly. "Now go get your breakfast. You've earned it."

"Well as long as I've earned it." She winked at him, rising gracefully to her feet. "See you later, beautiful."

Gods he wanted to kiss her. Hard.

Later in camp the mood was jovial. The day, though grueling, walking, always walking. Had turned out promising, closing in on the temple where the Creche is supposed to be.

Someone had opened a bottle of wine and the air was full of laughter and conversation.

Halsin had gotten out his lute and was strumming happily. Wyll stood and offered her his hand in a flourish. She smiled and took it graciously.

He led her in a light waltz and she followed easily, feet twisting and stepping with a practiced grace.

Astarion watched this from a fallen log and tried to hide the seethe in his face.

Why were they always all over her? Gods it felt like he turned his back and another suitor had stepped into place.

Didnt they know she was his?

He shook his head. He had too much wine. He was being ridiculous. He needed air.

Trudging away towards the water, feeling eyes on his back but he didn't care.

Kneeling down he splashed the water on his face. Get ahold of yourself.

Sitting back on his haunches he sighed, looking up at the night sky.

Her eyes slid over his vision, becoming two new stars.

"Brooding all by yourself?"

He couldn't stand it anymore, pulling her head down by the nape of her neck. Her soft mouth meeting his upside down.

She whimpered in surprise, then relaxed into him. Kissing him back in that soft exploring way he had craved.

He twisted under her, turning to face her. Pulling her down into his lap, wrapping his hand around the back of her head with a growl.

She straddled over him, already pulling at his camp shirt, taking it in a fist full. Moaning softly into his mouth. Allowing his tongue to push hot into her.

"My tent?" She whispered as she pulled away to get a breath, his mouth following, trying to get more.

He nodded, practically sprinting to feet. Taking her hand.

They took the long way around, sneaking into the warm cave of her temporary home.

Gods the air swam with her here. It was overwhelming.

She closed the flap behind them securely. Barely enough time and he was pulling at her clothes. Releasing her shirt from her leggings.

"Gods, Star. What brought this on?" She gasped as he laved his tongue up her neck. Pulling her shirt over her head and throwing it far in the corner.

"I cant stop thinking about it." He moaned, undoing the ties on her trousers with one hand. Falling to knees and yanking them down.

Looking up at her through his lashes. "Please touch me like that again."

She smiled, kneeling down to him. Gloriously naked, she reached up to the pins in her hair and released it. Falling behind her shoulders in a carmine wave. So beautiful it made his chest hurt.

He caught sight of a straight scar over her heart, ran his fingers softly over it.

She leaned forward, fingers stroking his cheek softly. Sliding her mouth against his warmly. "I've been thinking about it too."

Pulling his shirt free, angling over his shoulders. "You were so beautiful that night."

He moaned into her mouth as she came back to him. Already painfully aroused.

She pushed him back gently, trailing hot kisses along his neck. Untying his leathers with sure fingers. Pulling them down just far enough that his cock could spring free. Already dripping precum.

She leaned into him, sliding the hollow of her hip against his length. Rocking back and forth slowly. Leg straddled around his thigh he could feel her wetness. Her mouth on his neck so softly kissing and biting.

The pressure of her hip was so good. His head fell back, giving her more room to find him. Her fingers coming up to softly drag along his nipple. The pads teasing back and forth.

She began grinding down on him, her breath catching. Hip sliding harder into his cock.

"Please, more." He moaned.

She leaned back and spat a long trail of saliva on his cock. Pushing into him with her hip again. Looking deep in his eyes.

Oh Gods that almost sent him over.

She pinched and rolled his nipple in her hand. Wetting her fingers obscenely. Bringing them back down.

He whined, arching his chest. Pushing his hips up into her. So close.

"You know, I think your ready." She purred, her hands gone.

He opened his eyes to see her reaching for something. Leaving him to reach inside a chest.

She held up a harness with a faux cock attached. His eyes went wide.

Oh Gods, yes. He pulled off his leathers with haste.

He helped her get it on her hips, pulling down the buckles and straps. She wet it with the slick from her cunt, pumping down it.

"Come here to me." She whispered, sliding onto her back.

He straddled over her, heart racing.

Coming down to kiss at her chest, sliding one of her peaks into his mouth. Reveled in the little moan that left her.

She held the length steady for him as he slowly lowered down. His eyes rolling into the back of his head.

"Take what you need. I want to see it." She murmured into his hair.

Sitting flush to her he felt the stretch inside him. Already so full. His body gripping down eagerly.

He began his ride, lifting his hips and rolling back down. His breath a strained gasping already. Gods it was heaven.

He looked down at her and saw how her hips rocked into him, gripping his thighs. Her face flushed, eyes half lidded.

"So lovely, taking my cock like that." She smiled. Angling her hips just hard enough to hit the spot that undid him.

He lurched forward, bracing himself next to her head. An indignant whine leaving him. He cant be this close already.

She held his hips in place and fucked up into him. His body already starting to shudder in warning. She had found his prostate again and was slamming into it over and over.

"Please, please," He mewled, for what he wasn't sure. Seeing stars already.

She craned her neck up and caught his nipple in her mouth. Suckling down viciously with a delighted hum.

His while body jolted and he screwed his eyes shut. Oh Gods he didn't know if he could take it.

His pelvis contracted like a fist, the first waves hitting him. His mouth fell open in a silent scream. A bone deep shuddering ripping through him. The waves pummeling him in tortuous rapture. He white knuckled around her thigh. It was all he could do not to cry out. His spend spilling hot onto her belly in gushes.

She pulled him into her chest with hushed assurances as he sobbed quietly. A sudden rush of emotion overcoming him. Gripping onto the back of her neck.

"You're okay, you're okay." She whispered into the curl of his hair. Her legs crossing behind his back, nuzzling down into his shoulder. "You did so good."

That made him sob harder, burying his face in her hair. Holding onto her like a life raft in a storm.

"You're safe, you're here."

Laying awake, staring at the roof of his tent his mind raced.

He could lie to himself, say it was just the wine, the long road, his hunger, that had driven him to her arms.

He was a good liar but not that good.

Sighing he turned on his side.

What a fool he was. Falling for his mark. A simple plan shattered into a million pieces at her feet.

She had entranced him body and soul.

He bit back a small smile, his dead heart racing in light and fear.

Tomorrow. He would tell her tomorrow.

~

Part 3

[molsno]

I've already written about why male socialization is a myth that needs to be discarded, but in the responses to those posts, I sometimes find tme trans people who concede that yes, the concept of male socialization should be rejected, but refuse to let go of their own supposed female socialization. this always makes me quite reasonably angry, for two reasons:

I dislike it when people hijack my posts about transmisogyny to talk about things that aren't transmisogyny.

rejecting male socialization but embracing female socialization is still innately transmisogynistic.

you might find yourself wondering how that second point could possibly be true. it's true for a lot of reasons, and I'll explain to the best of my ability.

"female socialization" is the idea that people who were assigned female at birth undergo a universal experience of girlhood that stays with them the rest of their lives.

right off the bat, this concept raises alarm bells. first, it is a bold (and horribly incorrect) assertion to claim that there is any universal experience of girlhood that is shared by all people who were afab. what exactly constitutes girlhood varies greatly based on culture, time period, race, class, sexual orientation, and many, many other factors. disregarding transness for a moment, can you really say that, for example, white women and black women in modern day america, even with all else being equal, are socialized in the same way? the differences in "socialization" only become more stark the fewer commonalities two given people have. to give another example, a white gay trans man born in 2001 to an upper middle class family in a progressive city in the north is going to have a very different life than a cis straight mexican woman born in 1952 to an impoverished family and risked her life immigrating to the us in the deep south. can you really say anything meaningful about the "female socialization" that these two supposedly have in common? I think that b. binaohan said it best in "decolonizing trans/gender 101":

Then in a singular sense we most certainly cannot talk about 'male socialization' or 'female socialization' as things that exist. We can only talk about 'male socialization**s**' and 'female socialization**s**'. For if we take the multiplicity of identity seriously, as we must, then we are socialized as a whole person based on the nexus of the parts of our identity and our axes of oppression. ... Indeed, it gets complex enough that we could assert, easily, that each individual is socialized in unique ways that cannot be assumed true of any other person, since no one else shares our **exact** context. Not even my sister was socialized in the same way that I was.

and while I could just leave it at that and tell you to read the rest of their book (which you should), it wouldn't sit right with me if I just debunked the concept without explaining exactly why it's transmisogynistic at its core.

now, I should preface this by saying that I believe trans people have a right to identify however they want, and I think that trans people deserve the space to talk about their lives before transition without facing judgment. there are tme trans people who consider themselves women and there are trans men who don't consider themselves women at all but nonetheless have a lot of negative experiences with being expected to conform to womanhood. I don't want to deprive these people of the ability to talk about their life experiences. however, I do want them to keep in mind a few things.

first of all, "female socialization" is terf rhetoric. terfs talk all the time about how womanhood is inherently traumatic, which they regularly use as a talking point to convince trans men to detransition and join their side. when your whole ideology hinges on the belief that having been afab predestines you to a life of suffering, who is a better target to indoctrinate than trans people for whom being expected to conform to womanhood was a major source of trauma and dysphoria? the myth of female socialization is precisely why there are detransitioners in the terf movement who vehemently oppose trans rights.

that's why when tme trans people talk about having undergone female socialization, it's almost always steeped in the underlying implication that womanhood is an innately negative experience. even if they don't buy into the biological determinism central to radical feminism, that implication is still present. because, you see, womanhood can still be innately negative because the result of being viewed as and expected to be a woman is that you are inundated with misogyny.

that right there is why clinging to the notion of female socialization is transmisogynistic. it allows tme trans people, many of whom don't even consider themselves women, to position themselves as experts who understand womanhood and misogyny better than any trans woman ever could. that's why I find it disingenuous when a tme trans person claims to reject male socialization but still considers themself as having undergone female socialization; how could they possibly benefit from doing so, other than by claiming to be more oppressed than trans women, by virtue of supposedly experiencing more misogyny?

by being viewed as more oppressed than trans women on the basis of female socialization, they gain access to "women's only" spaces that trans women are denied access to. their voices are given priority in discussions about gendered oppression. people more readily view them as the victims when they come into interpersonal conflict with trans women. they become incapable of perpetrating transmisogyny on the basis of being the "more oppressed" category of trans people.

how exactly could such a person not be transmisogynistic, though? if they believe that gendered socialization is a valid and universal truth that one can never escape from, then what does it even mean for them to reject the concept of male socialization? if they were to actually, vehemently reject it, then they would no longer be able to leverage their own "female socialization" to imply that trans women aren't real, genuine women on account of not having experienced it. and make no mistake - there are very few tme trans people who subscribe to the myth of gendered socialization that even claim to reject male socialization. most of the time, they're very clear about their beliefs that trans women have some "masculine energy" that we can never truly get rid of after having undergone a lifetime of being expected to conform to manhood. and as a result, they continue to treat trans women as dangerous oppressors.

that's why gendered socialization as a concept needs to be abandoned wholesale. there's nothing wrong with talking about your experiences as a trans person, but giving any validity to this vile terf rhetoric always harms trans women, just like it was intended to do from its very inception.

[genderkoolaid]

Hello I am here pretty much just to complain about something small that i cant really say without sounding like a transmisogynist anywhere else, I hope that's alright

I was reading a post about how we're living through another red scare, lavender scare, and satanic panic all at once, and the post as a whole had very good points and I agreed with it a lot. OP got to a section about the current lavender scare and specified that she was talking about the recent wave of transphobia and said something about how everyone in the queer community was affected but it is very targeted at those who challenge gender norms, "especially trans women like [her]."

This genuinely isnt anything against OP of that post and I'm not trying to say that the legislation isnt heavily transmisogynistic. I'm not trying to minimize the transmisogyny coming from all sides. I just think it's a little unfair to minimize the way that transmascs are at least equally affected, and it hurts when other queer people seem to ignore that we're being hurt too.

One of my transmasc friends is being forcibly medically detransitioned because of this. Another was planning to go on T next year and now he cant. Some of them, including me, are worried they'll never be able to because of autism diagnoses. Rhetoric almost identical to the Irreversible Damage book is spreading rampantly everywhere we look. Transmascs are being hurt too. They want us gone just as much as transfemmes, but it seems like a lot of people are ignoring that.

I recently saw a post that had an addition by someone I know to be transandrophobic saying something similar ("trans people are facing genocide, mostly trans women").

I think its one part "people in general are ignorant to how transmascs are materially affected by transphobia" (see: The Archive of Violence Against Transmasculine People) and one part "there is a general narrative in trans spaces that trans women/amab trans people are The Most Oppressed* and trans men/afab trans people are only impacted by a few annoyances"

*this doesn't mean that trans women are always treated well in trans spaces. Honestly I don't think this narrative does much to improve things for trans women at all, all things considered

[catboybiologist]

Be honest: do you think there are femboys who aren't just eggs?

Yes, and tbh I resent that their existence is questioned so much. And I know this is gonna be considered a Bad Take by many people I've fostered a community with, so uh. Yeah.

As a former femboy, and current dykey/tomboyish trans woman, gender nonconformity within your actual gender is an essential part of a trans or genderqueer identity. In a lot of ways, my transition goals are the inverse of being a femboy- I'm going from a feminine man to a masculine woman. And yet, the trans community doesn't question my feminimity as a masculine woman in the same places where many people would question the masculinity of a feminine man. And don't even get me started on where NB identities fit into all of this. This is largely coming from the same place where people are okay with women wearing pants, but men or AMABs in general wearing skirts is Bad (tm).

Like don't get me wrong. The caricature of the Bad Trans pushing all the femboys to become eggs is a wildly overexaggerated, and I've met many, many femboys online that used that caricature to excuse rampant transphobia. But. I hate that there's a but. But.... I literally experienced it myself many times during my femboy days, especially online. Here's a short list:

-Had a transmed bombard me with harassing messages and comments on reddit telling me that I was a "fencesitter" and I just needed to "fucking transition already and stop making trans people look bad"

-Had a trans woman I knew irl shove an estradiol pill in my face, and try to order me to take it, in front of a group of people I wasn't even fully comfortable presenting as a femboy to, until she was eventually asked by someone else to stop.

-Had several comments indicating that I should be force femmed in femboy subreddits

-Had many, many DMs trying to tell me I was a "failed man" that should just transition already

And to clarify- all of this is so, so mild compared to transphobia that myself and others face. But it is a very real thing that happens. To many femboys, I think this is the first time they've received any kind of queerphobia or questioning of their identity, so it feels far worse in their heads than it really actually is. And, to be fair, I think it mostly happens from the more gender binary minded cis community than it comes from trans people- but as I've said, I've had it coming from trans women both irl and online.

I've also tangentially noticed that it seems to be transmed adjacent. Not saying that this anon is, or others who try to encourage femboys to explore their gender, but there certainly is a correlation. If its difficult for you to acknowledge cis gender nonconformity, then its easy to see that extending to a lack of understanding of nonbinary people or others with different trans experiences.

Every time one of these things happened, it didn't put me any closer to transition. It made me feel unsafe. It made me feel on the spot, and scared, and almost outed.

I've said this before, and I'll say it again- if you want historical parallels to femboys, we have a perfect example in drag. Drag is performative, over the top femininity that has become its own artform, style, and means of expression in a way that is intrinsically tied to gender nonconformity. Being a femboy is also all of those things. And guess what? Many drag queens have used it as a way to explore their own gender and realize that they're trans. There are also many who are cis, and remain confident in that identity. Is the percentage of trans people among people who have done drag at some point higher than the general population? Of fucking course- its one of the few places where exploring gender is encouraged and celebrated. Of course trans people flock to that. And the exact same thing is true of femboys. Are a higher proportion of femboys trans or eggs than the general population. Of course. It's a great venue for trans people to explore their identities. But even more of them are

Am I saying you're a bad person if you encourage femboys and gender nonconforming people to consider the possibility that they're trans? Of fucking course not. It was the gentle, affirming pressure with respect and care for my comfort levels from several incredible trans women I know irl that eventually made me confident enough to start HRT. Their continually support is a key factor in my social transition plans for the future. I needed that pressure, and I think everyone, including people who aren't actively engaging in gender nonconformity, needs some push to question their gender and start unlocking cis+. But to be blunt, questioning whether cis femboys even exist is not gentle, comfortable, and affirming pushes.

[rodolfoparras]

OK imma be honest and little personal, before I knew a little bit more about the LGBT, I just didn't care I just knew they existed, now that im older and apart of it nothing changed ngl...just maybe a little rude with it. I'm like "Oh you're gay? Cool want a cookie?" Or "Oh, you think being gay is the devils or whoever you claim doing? Want a medal?". I don't mind having people like having something for them but a month? Sounds like robbery 2 me like, What about soldiers like I mean the good soldiers who actually fight for their people? I'm sorry, but if I could, I would make certain... things like these two have at least a week, but like I said, I don't mind it... I just find it... wrong in a way...like think about it...when something big happens in your life (if yall do it like me) we just celebrate it in like that first week, like what I mean is for the first few days it's all "WOOHOO THIS HAPPEND TOO YOU" then the rest of the week it's just "congrats". Like I remember a few years back, I'm not sure if it's still the same now. But soldiers die every day and stuff, and all they get is a day, and everyone like "poor soliders rest in peace" and then go on about their lives after a few bours or something . But the moment a Trans person got killed, suddenly everyone dropped everything and talked about it for weeks....trying not to sound harsh, but come on....

Sugar I think you have a lot of inner work to do

Pride month cannot be boiled down to a celebratory party of sexualities and genders

While yes a major part of pride month is to celebrate lgbtq people it’s also about remembering the journey as to how we got here, plenty of people literally laid their lives down so there could be a celebration in the first place sugar I don’t know if you know this but trans people would literally use bricks and drop it onto their genitals or their chest to get rid of those parts, a lot of trans people died of cancer and other terminal illnesses because it was considered shameful to treat an openly trans person no matter what severe condition they had it’s also to raise awareness of how lgbtq people of color made a lot of things possible for us, did you know that before colonization native people had woman man and then a third gender that didn’t fall in either category white, Christian cis people wiped that out because it was considered abnormal and now today we have a whole chunk of people who are seen as abnormal because that whole gender identity has been wiped out pride month is to also raise awareness to everyone who can’t live their lives like they want to. It’s like international women’s day just because women in Europe have it good doesn’t mean that it’s fine and dandy all around the world

The reason as to why people don’t care much for soldiers is that the only ones discussed are American ones- soldiers belonging to armys who have more or less started the war in different places. Never have I seen people discuss the 10.000 soldiers that died in the srebrenica genocide - soldiers- boys 18 year old boys 10.000 of them- that had to forcefully enlist in the army because their country was going through a genocide

And the reason as to why trans people get so much coverage once they get killed is the same reason as to why women get so much coverage when they get horrifically murdered by a man they’re oppressed, soldiers are not oppressed soldier more often than not are the oppressors.

With that being said I do hope you take time to actually do research on your history because the reason as to why you can be like “woo I’m gay ok let’s move on with my day” is because of thousands upon thousands upon thousands lgbtq ppl that made sacrifices for you those sacrifices didn’t happen that long ago

[nightingale2004]

OK, bridgerton people, I finished up the last season, and I have a LOT to say

First off, I think it's COMPLETELY UNREALISTIC that Daphne and Simon, along with their beautiful children, are not with the other Bridgertons soaking up all this drama and scandals that's been going on in ther family. SERIOUSLY WHAT HAPPENED?! was there a problem with the actors? Or something? Like what happened that made the actors and the children NOT MAKE AN APPEARANCE IN THE SEASON OF BRIDGERTON?!

Secondly, I also find it unrealistic that Anthony and Kate literally missed out ON PENELOPE'S LADY WHISTLEDOWN REVEAL?! LIKE, SERIOUSLY?! I get that Anthony wants to be with Kate and get to know her culture, but Anthony and his amazing Goddess wife Kate have missed out on the biggest reveal and scandal to hit their family! I so badly wanted to know what their reaction was going to be and their thoughts that Anthony's little brother is F*cking married to a gossip writer. Including Benedict.

I need to know! I can literally already imagine both Kate and Anthony reading the letter that Penelope is Whistedown and their reactions (to me) are hilarious 😂

Thirdly, I kind of wanted the secret identity of Lady Whistledown to be a secret a little while longer. Like maybe after Benedicts season. That's just my personal opinion. But I did want the queen to still find out and have Penelope and Charlotte have a private alliance. Penelope still gets to write under the approval of the queen as long as the queen looks at it first and maybe becomes the queens eyes and ears.

Lastly, I would like to acknowledge the haters here who don't like the change of gender of Michael Stirling, aka Michaela Stirling, and are fearing for their lives that Sophie Beckett will become Stephen Beckett.

Firstly, we are not the creators of this fantastic world. OK? The author is, Netflix is making this show into a reality, and those of us that actually like the show are actually OK and loving with how things are going especially the reveal that not just one but THREE bridgerton siblings ARE a part of LGBTQ+ community. Can we all just take a moment and not go backward to the "Annabeth shouldn't be black" incident. I know these two incidents don't relate because one has to do with race and the other has to do with gender but can the haters just stop. I believe the authors and creators of this AMAZING show know what they are doing, and the bridgertons along with Queen Charlotte are one of the few shows I like that haven't been canceled yet. So consider this a freaking win people.

If the creators want to change a few things, then let them change a few things, we are fans, and we have something called fanfics to which we read and write if there's something we don't like or can't live with when it comes to a fandom series. As long as the creators of the show keep giving us our daily dose of drama and do the bridgerton books justice than I for one am going to keep on watching and being invested in this fandom.

And haters one final message to you, if you don't like the shows, THEN STOP WATCHING THE SHOWS!!!!!!!

I have said my peace. And there is plenty more to come

[slavicafire]

june, as it brings multiple conversations about identity and related subjects, reminds me time and time again that my approach and attitude towards labels is oftentimes fundamentally different than those of other people in my life, non-normative and otherwise. which can also be frustrating as I struggle to understand people's personal outlooks - I accept them, of course, but I just simply cannot personally relate. people's intimate attachment to labels, outside of the context of conversations that are closely related to them or the application of intersectionality, seems baffling to me. again, I'm not saying it is in any way incorrect - it's just not relatable to me, which perhaps is also a privilege in and of itself.

I find labels to be useful socio-cultural shortcuts - utilitarian albeit simplistic signifiers, meant to quickly convey one's stance or situation when the given conversation requires it. a quick functional footnote appearing when certain aspects of my identity become significant to the matter at hand - and not, in any way, an active part of my identity itself, or any absolute inherent truth about me that I cling to or build myself around.

saying that I am a bisexual woman is a quick footnote to let the person I am conversing with - using conversation as a broad descriptor of interaction/engagement - place me in whatever cultural mapping they use and orient themselves in relation to me. it's not in any way a full picture or a universal truth - womanhood will be a different idea depending on the context and the conversation and the conversing parties, so will be bisexuality, whether in terms of sexual orientation or gender expression.

my being a woman is significant in terms of the cultural contexts I exist within, certain struggles I face, and acts as a useful shortcut to signify my identity in conversations where it matters - I don't find it to be an inherent, invaluable truth to my being. stripped of the cultural norms of gender, that label stops being useful or relevant to me, and remains simply a very imperfect biological signifier that could be replaced by something more complex in order to actually be useful.

when conversing with someone from the societal normative majority - in and of itself a limiting and imperfect label - saying I am bisexual lets them place me in a certain orientation to themselves, and provides a simple translation of an otherwise very complex, varied, and personal idea. when conversing with someone from the non-normative part of society, using the bisexual label starts a different conversation and requires a different approach - many times I've been advised I should use the pansexual label, or bisexual lesbian, or whatever other label that the given person projected my image through at that point. and it was entirely irrelevant. if someone, as their own personal shortcut, labels me as pansexual, I could not care less - it's not a label I use, but I don't treat bisexuality as a truth so inherent to me that contorting it is personally offensive or hurtful. it is, at best, annoying on the account of my personal dislike towards people trying to explain myself to myself, no matter the field. definitions change, understandings vary, approaches fluctuate with time, labels outside of the conversations they provide context to cease to mean much to me.

I was talking with a friend about my gender expression - and given how varied it is, they asked at some point: have you ever considered that you're not cis? maybe you're genderfluid? or non-binary? or something?

and the answer was simply utilitarian: in any context (especially social and political) that has a tangible effect on my real situation, saying I'm cis is adequate and accurate, and perfectly enough. in any more complex, subjective, and personal context, my expression does not require a label beyond the bisexual shortcut, as a the label would not be useful or adequate, or exhaustive.

I understand that people hold their labels so close, the flags and pronouns and definitions they believe to be a profound extension of themselves - I just cannot relate.