#don't be absurd. that would be social suicide.

[breitzbachbea]

Fuck it. this day started with Little Piece of Heaven, it may as well end with it.

[taeyongdoyoung]

summary: things between you and your mom escalate and you make the impulsive decision to move in with your online friend who saves your life and shines like the brightest star... pairing: seonghwa x reader genre: angst, fluff, smut; online friends to roommates+lovers warnings: swearing, mommy issues, suicidal thoughts, insecurities, crying, pet names, eating out, blowjob, protected sex, praise kink, mommy kink, one (1) bad star wars joke, the nbhd references, subspace (kinda?), lowkey possessive hwa, one bed trope (but there is a couch, they just ignore it) author's note: this is incredibly personal and i felt so vulnerable while writing it but i better post it real quick before i chicken out 🙃 the title is inspired by the neighbourhood's daddy issues (remix) even though reader has mommy issues lol word count: 4.3k

You are cooped up in your room, physically shaking. You have no tears left to cry so you are laughing hysterically at the absurdity of it all. You were so tired of it. You love your mom, you really do. You would never do anything to harm her. But you are absolutely sick of the way she was treating you. Always belittling your interests, not letting you go out past a certain hour even though you were old enough to do so, yelling at you for the smallest mistakes, suffocating you with her unrealistic expectations, saying you were stupid and would never amount to anything if it hadn't been for her strict parenting style, even though you had practically sacrificed your mental health and social life to get high grades. And whenever you brought up all the ways in which she'd hurt you, she would try to gaslight you and pull shit like: "I never said that." "You're being overdramatic." "You're so ungrateful." All your friends said you deserved better. They tried their best to support you emotionally. But words could only do so much. You need out. If you stayed another moment in this toxic environment, you felt like you would do something terrible to yourself. Something there was no coming back from.

The only person you feel like talking to right now was your online friend Seonghwa. You'd met him on a Star Wars forum eight months ago and you'd been talking to each other pretty much every free minute. He was your light in the darkness and brought you so much happiness you couldn't remember what your life before him had been like. He always knew just what to say and comforted you like nobody else could. And when you didn't feel like talking, he distracted you successfully by organizing streaming sessions for the two of you. He is, for lack of a better word, perfect. There is only one downside. He lives thousands of kilometres away from you.

You: Talk to me. About anything. Please? Starshine98: What happened??? You: I don't wanna talk about it. I don't even wanna think about it. Starshine98: Got it. Your mom, right? You: Is my tragic existence so transparent? Starshine98: Whatever she said, you know it's not your fault. You: I know. But Hwa…it hurts so much I feel like dying. I can't do this anymore. Starshine98: Don't say that. You are so important to me. And to your friends. And to your mom, as well, even if she has a messed up way of showing it. You: Still….I need to get out of here as soon as possible but I can't do that without getting a stable job first. And it's so hard to find one. Starshine98: What if you came to live with me? My apartment has enough space for two… You: You live across the world? I can't even afford a plane ticket. Starshine98: Don't worry about money, I'll send you an E-ticket. You: I can't ask you to do that… Starshine98: You're not asking, I'm offering. You're going through something traumatic and you obviously need a change of scenery. I'm not asking you to stay with me forever, just for as long as you need to take care of your mental health. Just say the word and I'll buy the ticket. You: This is far too generous of you. Starshine98: I'm not as selfless as you think. I'm so worried about your well-being that keeping an eye on you myself would help me sleep better at night. You: Sweet. Starshine98: So? What do you say? You: Fuck it. Let's do this.

A couple of minutes later you receive a digital plane ticket from Seonghwa. The feeling of staring at it is so surreal you feel like you might pass out. You quickly pack only the bare essentials into a bag and scribble a letter to your parents. You know your mom will be furious and your dad will be worried sick but still, you want to leave the apartment while she's still asleep to avoid the confrontation. This is the best decision you could have possibly made in this situation. And for the first time in forever, you are finally doing something impulsive, something crazy without asking for permission. And damn, does it make you feel alive.

As you get off the plane, your eyes scan the airport for Seonghwa. You debate turning on your phone but then you would be faced with missed calls from your parents and right now, you are not ready to face the reality of what you've done. Luckily enough, you quickly spot a large sign with your name on it. It's him! You rush through the crowd and directly into his arms. He drops the sign in disbelief and gives you the tightest hug possible. This is insane. You can't believe you're actually here.

"Hi, sweet girl," Seonghwa says and his voice sound even lovelier than during the video chats you've had with him.

"Hi, starshine," you chuckle nervously.

"How was your flight?" he asks.

"Couldn't wait for it to be over," you admit.

"Yeah? You wanted to see me that bad?" Hwa teases you.

"More like couldn't wait to visit Seoul," you joke. "Go sightseeing."

"Sorry to disappoint but I'm taking you home first."

Home. You liked the sound of that.

"This is my room, this is the living room, this is the kitchen and this is the bathroom. Any questions?" Seonghwa inquires after he's done showing you around his apartment.

"Um, not to sound ungrateful but…where will I…you know, sleep?" you ask.

"My room, obviously. I'll take the couch in the living room," Hwa shrugs.

"What? No, Hwa, I can't…this is your apartment. I would feel so guilty I wouldn't fall asleep at all."

"Do you have another suggestion?"

"Duh! I will sleep on the couch!"

Seonghwa shakes his head, visibly distressed by the idea.

"It's pretty cold in the living room. You'll be more comfortable in my room."

"Well…we could share the bed, then? You do have a king size. If…that's okay with you."

"Are you sure?" Hwa wants to know.

You nod without thinking too much into it.

"You're my best friend and I just moved across the world. Sharing a bed with you does not worry me."

"Alright. Let me know if you need anything, I'll try to get it for you."

"Right now I just need a hug."

Seonghwa abides by your wishes and soon enough, the two of you find yourselves cuddling under the warm blanket. Minutes later you are crying and spilling the beans about your latest fight with your mom. When you tell him the whole story, he feels like throwing up.

"H-how could she say that to her own d-daughter?" Hwa stammers in disbelief.

You notice tears falling down his beautiful cheeks and trace a finger against his skin.

"Honestly? I'm kinda used to it. But it was so bad I couldn't take it anymore."

"You're not supposed to. You're a literal angel, I don't understand her behaviour at all."

You give him a sad smile.

"I'm not a saint, either. I mean, I've kept secrets from her and stuff. I just wish things could get resolved by communicating but she always refuses to hear my side of the story."

"The only reason why you've kept secrets was to protect your sanity. She's being unreasonable for not letting you follow your passions. What kind of a parent would say such harmful things?"

"Right?" you laugh bitterly. "You get me like no one else."

Seonghwa strokes your hair lovingly and kisses your forehead.

"My darling girl. You deserve so much better."

"Sometimes I wish you were my mom," in a moment of intense vulnerability, you murmur without thinking but the words are already out of your mouth and it's too late to take them back.

"W-what?" Hwa appears taken aback.

"S-sorry, I don't know what's gotten into me," you cover your face with your hands.

"Say it again. Please."

You take a peek nervously. His reaction is not one of disgust as you feared but rather…curiosity?

"I wish you were my mom," you repeat, your cheeks flushed with color.

"Do you know what I'd do if I were your mom?" Seonghwa asks.

You shake your head, desperately needing to hear what he's thinking.

"If you were my little girl, I'd do whatever I could do to keep you safe and protect you, make sure no one could hurt you, least of all me. I'd let you follow your passions. If you went out at night, I'd be worried sick, of course, but I'd be happy you're having fun with your friends. I'd tell you I'm proud of you no matter what grades you got. If you kept secrets from me, I wouldn't yell at you, but I'd ask myself what I did wrong. You know why? Because I trust you. And I care about you so deeply that I'd like to win your trust, too."

Your vision is blurry with tears. You feel like Hwa just fixed something he didn't break. Whatever he has to offer, you want all of it.

"I'd like that very much."

"You'd let me take care of you? Call you mine?" Seonghwa needs to know.

"Yes, please."

"My precious girl," he purrs in your ear.

"Hwa…just to be clear, what does that make us?" you ask, confused about the line between friendship and…whatever this is.

"What do you want us to be? Girlfriend and boyfriend? Daughter and…mom? Friends with benefits?"

You chuckle at the variety of labels he suggests.

"I think I'd like to be your girlfriend. If you'll have me," you blink, suddenly feeling insecure. You don't have much to offer. But whatever little you have, you're willing to give to him.

"I will. And I'd be honoured to be your boyfriend."

You bury your head into his chest, overwhelmed with positive feelings and excitement for the future that awaits the two of you.

"Let me take you out on a date tomorrow. But first, you need sleep."

"Okay, mom," you laugh wholeheartedly. "Will you sing me a lullaby?"

"Anything for my best girl," Seonghwa promises.

The following day he takes you to a really lovely date at a local restaurant and treats you so well, like no one else before in your life. You feel so blessed and lucky to have met him that there are not enough words to describe how grateful you are to him. Not just for letting you move in with him without expecting anything in return (though that was an immensely generous gesture on his side). The reason you are grateful the most is that he accepts you with all your flaws and scarred past, he shows you such understanding and care you have only dreamed about. He is truly your shining star guiding your path through the dark and into the light.

In the evening, you finally muster up the courage to turn on your phone. You call your dad and with tears in your eyes, explain the circumstances around your latest fight with your mom and why you decided to move in with Seonghwa. Your dad is worried, of course, but he says he gets why you did it, as he has witnessed some encounters when your mom has said hurtful things to you. Though he has not explicitly stood up for you, in your private conversations, he has shown you support and eagerly awaited the day you were independent from her. He tells you your mom was furious at first but now she is just…sad. You promise you will talk to her when you feel ready but for the time being, you need some space. Your dad respects your decision and you hang up.

"You did well," Seonghwa praises you, enveloping you in a warm hug.

"Thanks," you whisper sadly.

"Shall we go to bed?" he asks.

"Aw, man, I was in such a hurry to pack that I forgot my favourite frog plushie!" you exclaim in annoyance. "I can't sleep without it."

"Last night you had no trouble falling asleep, though?" Seonghwa gently reminds you.

"You're right!" you cry out in amazement.

"I'll get you a million plushies tomorrow but for now you'll have to settle for me."

"You know what? You're more than enough. You're my favourite plushie from now on!" you smile, wrapping your arms around his waist.

You've had the happiest week of your life. Seonghwa shows you around the city, taking you to adorable cafés, sightseeing and eating ramen by the Han river. The two of you take tons of pictures together and spend a lot of quality time. He even introduces you to his friend San and convinces him to let you work at his bookshop, which is honestly a dream job.

One morning, you wake up feeling uncharacteristically hot. Something hard is pressed against your ass. Could that be…You freeze at the realization. You wonder whether to rush out of bed. But then you risk Seonghwa waking up and you don't want him feeling embarrassed over something completely natural. You could pretend you're still asleep? But your breathing is too irregular and your skin is practically on fire. What should you do? Before you can make up your mind, you feel Seonghwa shifting behind you and the space has never felt emptier.

"I'm sorry," he mumbles sleepily.

"What are you sorry for?" you ask even though the answer is quite apparent.

"For…you know, getting hard."

"It's fine, it's a normal human reaction."

"I don't want you to feel uncomfortable or objectified. I mean…you are hot and I've obviously thought about you before in impure ways but…I like you so much I don't want you to feel pressured or anything. You're incredibly special to me, baby."

You finally turn around to face him.

"You are the most precious person in my life, Seonghwa," you whisper. "And like, if you want me, I'm all yours. No pressure."

"But…wouldn't you want to wait longer?" he asks cautiously.

"Whenever you want, my star," you smile eagerly, hoping he takes the bait.

"Fuck it," Hwa mutters under his breath and crashes his lips into yours.

You kiss him back impatiently and bury your fingers into his soft hair. He pulls you closer to him by the waist, digging his fingers into your lower back.

"If you want to stop at any moment, just let me know, okay?" Seonghwa breaks the kiss to reassure you.

You are so touched by his words that tears are already welled up in your eyes.

"Okay. Same goes for you."

"Trust me, darling, I wouldn't want to stop," Hwa promises and buries his head into your neck, inhaling the scent of you.

He spends a long time pressing kisses everywhere he could think of: your neck, your cheeks, your hair, your nose, your collarbones, your tummy, your ears, your thighs until finally, he reaches your pussy. Guiding your legs apart with a gentle but firm hand, you are afraid of melting right there. He eats you out hungrily, his ridiculously long tongue doing wonders to your senses. Needing something to hold on to, you tug on his hair, hopeful that you are not hurting him. He starts making circular motions, increasing the pleasure. It does not take you long to finish, completely falling apart.

"I think I just died a little," you admit, laughing.

"Well, the French did call it la petite mort," Seonghwa shrugs.

"Ah, yes. The little death," you smile, fondly recalling your French classes. "I wouldn't be a good guest if I didn't return the favour, no?"

You wrap your lips around the head of his cock, looking up at him to see if you're doing a good job.

"You're not a guest. I want you to feel at home," Seonghwa says and you try to take him deeper into your mouth. "You don't have to- Oh!"

You smirk as you swirl your tongue against his cock, doing your best to bring him closer to the edge.

"Such a good girl. My girl, yes?" he murmurs.

You can't verbablly respond so you nod your head frantically. Your hand is wrapped around the part of him you can't physically fit in and you blink the tears away, attempting to focus on breathing through your nose. You move your head and up down, desperately staring into his eyes to make sure he's enjoying every second of it. Soon enough, he reaches his high, sending ropes of cum down your throat. You try to swallow, not waste any drop of it.

Seonghwa strokes your cheek with his hand.

"You did so great for me," he praises you and you feel butterflies fluttering in your stomach.

"T-thank you," you stutter nervously.

"You don't have to thank me," Seonghwa chuckles in confusion and flips you around so that you are lying on your back. He leans down and kisses you again even more sensually than before but with as much tenderness. "You wanna stop?"

"No, please, don't stop," you are not too proud for begging.

"M'kay, lemme just grab protection real quick and I'll be back," he grins.

"Oh, I feel quite protected with you by my side, but I get what you mean," you tease him, excited to take the next step in your relationship.

True to his promise, Hwa returns moments later, flexing a condom in his hand.

"Protection," he repeats in a cute voice, while he puts it on.

"And here I thought you were gonna show me your lightsaber," you joke.

Seonghwa dramatically places a hand on his heart, feigning offense.

"I already did," he plays along and you can't stop yourself from bursting into laughter.

God, he really is the best guy in the universe. Your thoughts are further confirmed when he slowly teases your entrance with just the tip, making sure you are okay.

"You good? Should I go deeper?"

"Hwa, my angel, you can do anything to me and chances are I'd like it," you reassure him confidently.

"Careful what you wish for," Seonghwa smirks and slides in, making you feel so full and complete.

"Ngh," your sweet little cries are enough to give him the needed push to not hold himself back any longer. He fucks into you with so much vigour and passion you are on the verge of disintegrating.

"My gorgeous girl. You like that?"

"Yes, mommy," the words slip out of your mouth before you could think twice about it. His movements come to a sudden halt, causing you to realize what you've just said. Out loud. Ugh, you feel equally mortified and turned on.

"Mommy, huh?" he chuckles lightly.

"S-sorry," you hide your face behind your palms.

"It's okay, I can be your mommy," Seonghwa grabs your wrists and pushes your hands above your head. "I'll take good care of you, yeah? Wish you could see yourself, my most precious girl."

"Hwa, please, I mean…mommy, need you so badly," you stumble through your words weakly.

"I'm right here, my sweet baby, I'll give you what you need," he plays along. "Does mommy's cock feel good inside you?"

"S-so g-good, mommy, thank you, thank you so much," it hasn't even been that long and you already feel fucked out, utterly and irreversibly at his mercy.

"Don't thank me, dearest, I'm just treating you the way you deserve," Seonghwa vows and before you know it, you are clenching around his cock, while he is spilling inside the condom.

You can't think, can't speak, can't do anything. Nothing exists in your mind anymore. Just him. The universe is completely blank save for that one shining star. You fail to register him leaving the room to dispose of the plastic and don't notice when he returns.

"Honey?" he says softly but his voice feels so distant. Kilometres away. You can't bring yourself to form a verbal response. "Are you okay?"

Seonghwa places gentle kisses on your cheeks in an attempt to bring you back to reality.

"Come back to me, darling, please, talk to me, I'm scared," he mumbles in between kisses.

"Hwa?" are your first words. Like a newborn baby looking for the comfort that only a true mother figure could provide.

"You're safe with me," Seonghwa tells you. "No one can hurt you here."

"I don't deserve you," you are suddenly crying, overwhelmed by how cared for and loved he's making you feel.

"Don't say that ever again, you hear me?" he speaks firmly but kindly, nonetheless. "You deserve to be happy. Am I making you happy?"

"So happy, you have no idea how much," you try your best to convince him for your sincerity.

"That's all I need to know," he nods. "Let me draw a bath for you and-"

You summon all the strength you have left and grip his hand as tightly as you physically can't.

"Don't leave me."

"I'm not leaving you," Seonghwa picks you up with ease and carries you all the way to the bathroom.

Once inside the warm bath, you are more capable to form full sentences and communicate what just happened with a clearer head.

"I'm sorry for springing up the whole mommy thing without discussing it in advance," you tell him.

"I don't mind, honestly. In fact, I think I'm perfect for the role."

You smile fondly and nudge his shoulder.

"Still. From now on, I'll try my best to talk about introducing anything new beforehand. It's only fair."

"Whatever makes you feel comfortable," he kisses your forehead as he rubs shampoo into your scalp. "But just so you know, I could never be mad at you."

"What if I want you to get mad every once in a while? You know…spank me for being a bad girl?" you suggest teasingly.

"Then, I'd be happy to oblige," Seonghwa replies enthusiastically and starts tickling you in a playful manner.

It is true that time heals all wounds and distance makes the heart grow fonder. A while later, you feel ready to talk to your mom again (somewhat influenced by your dad's pleading and Seonghwa's reassurance).

"Hi, mom," you greet her calmly over the phone.

"Hi, sweetie. I've missed you," she admits.

"Me too," and it's true. Even though she hurt you, you still love her.

"Have you been eating well?"

"Yeah, don't worry about that."

"Listen…I'm sorry for saying hurtful things and being so hard on you. I only do that because I think you're so smart and have the potential to do great things."

"Well you have a funny way of showing it," you chuckle dryly.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean…you never praise me for anything. I spent so many years trying to get your approval that I didn't stop for a second to think whether I was doing what I truly loved."

"I understand," your mom says. "I know it might be too late but I'll try to do better. If you'll let me."

"It's not too late. But I'm not coming back to live with you. I've got a boyfriend and a job here. And I'm…actually happy."

"I'm glad to hear that, sweetheart. You will visit eventually, right?"

"I will in the summer. I want us to work on our relationship," you explain patiently.

"Until then…we can Skype or something?" your mom suggests.

"Yeah, mom, we can do that," you laugh. "If you figure how to turn the computer on!"

"Hey!" your mom argues but her tone is amused "I'm not that old!"

"I know, I know," you keep laughing.

"I love you," she says seriously. And this time, you are willing to believe her.

"Love you too, mom," you answer truthfully and hang up the phone.

You look at Seonghwa who was quietly cutting vegetables. His mere presence in the room was giving you strength and moral support.

"I did it," you announce the obvious. "I talked to my mom."

"You did so well. I'm really proud of you, angel," he wraps you into the world's most comforting hug.

"Things won't get magically fixed but…it's a start."

"You did the right thing."

"I couldn't have done it without you, Hwa," you admit truthfully. "You light up my whole dark existence, my precious star."

"Oh, baby," Seonghwa holds your hands. "Stars can't shine without darkness."

Bonus:

You are so happy to have cooked spaghetti carbonara for your boyfriend, your darling, your starshine, your marvellous Hwa. You really hope he likes it because you've worked so hard on it and it's his birthday so you wanted to do something special for him. He has given you so much care and affection so this is the least you could do to express how grateful you are.

"Happy birthday, my love," you kiss him gently, presenting the meal in front of him. "I have other gifts, as well, but food first before it gets cold!"

"Aw, baby, you didn't have to do all that," Seonghwa smiles, touched by your efforts.

"Come on, try it!" you are practically bouncing with excitement to see his reaction.

"It's really delicious, my angel! You did a wonderful job!" he praises you, sincerity clear in his voice.

You can't take it and you burst into tears.

"Why are you crying? Did I say something wrong?" Seonghwa puts the fork down, immediately worried about your well-being.

"No, it's just…the first time anyone's praised my cooking. It feels incredibly special coming from you, considering you are so brilliant in the kitchen."

"The kitchen is not the only place where I'm incredible," he winks, looking at the bedroom.

"Eat, eat! We'll unwrap the gifts later in that other place," you wipe your tears and encourage him to enjoy his meal.

"Oh, sunshine, you are the only gift I could ask for," Seonghwa promises and goes back to the carbonara. And perhaps, this is what having a home feels like.

The End

[pixxyofice]

I have seen some discussion of the isat ending and I just wanted to drop my two cents. Feel free to ignore this ask if you're not interested! Isat's ending is beneficial for many people, I know this because I have seen people react to it positively, and that's great! But because of my own very particular hang-ups, I just came out of the isat ending hurt? I don't know how to word it.

I don't know if other people dislike the ending for the reasons I do, and I wouldn't be surprised if for the majority of people who do dislike it, they dislike the ending because of silly reasons. I just know that if I wanted to communicate why isat's ending hurt and not in a good way I'd propably have to write a very deranged very personal essay about suicide in stories. Because that's what isat is to me, a story about suicide, about self destruction.

And isat's story isn't true to my own experience with it. It's true to a lot of other people and I'm happy for them! Again the ending of isat isn't bad! But it's not the sort of story that is suitable to *me*, as much as I love it.

That's no fault of isat! No story can account for every person that engages with it, and to expect that would be absurd.

Again, sorry for intruding upon your ask box, and feel free to delete this ask if you're not interested. I know that the isat ending was very personal to a lot of people and I don't want to ruin that for anyone by being a negative nancy about it, I just couldn't help but share my thoughts.

... interesting. Also interesting how I completely disagree that it's a suicide and self destruction story. It has those things, but it's not about just that.

Self destruction is a method through which siffrin thinks he's showing love. I think it's a love story, platonically. Sure, it's mostly about siffrin, but the reason siffrin is there is because of them. Because of everyone. It's a party rpg and the reason siffrin first keeps a secret is because he can finally help them.

Depression can happen to anyone. It can happen to you. It makes a mess of people. You are still loved. Even if you fought someone, they're still willing to come back. We can all hurt each other and be forgiven okay!!!

That's why the ending means a lot! Because most of us have spiraled! And we decide we don't need help, it's fine if we do it on our own, but we're social species. And we can keep going, and to be honest with our friends, that we love them.

It's okay to need help. To love them enough to trouble them!!!

[just-an-enby-lemon]

"I... Of course I had a childhood, Alice!" Gwen complains, trying not to pout. She had tricked herself into believing that her new promotion into external research would've come with some extra respect from her coworkers. It didn't.

Colin only mumbled something about suicidal ideas and "do you know what you're dealing with" before going back to his usal cutting cabbles and threatining the computers. Sam, well, Sam was actually very enthusiastic about the future results of her research. It was quite nice. She honestly didn't care much about Celia. New people often didn't stay and she had no reason to think Celia would just because she was acting creeply non-affected by the whole awfull job of cursed stories ordeal.

And there was Alice. That one was on Gwen. She should've known better than to expect that Alice would change, likely Alice doesn't even know what being respectifull meant.

"A boooring chidlhoold." Alice said, her attention still mostly in her computer scream. Playing solitaire. Somehow Alice managed to find a way to do barely any work and never have any backlog and Gwen had gave up on discovering how.

"It wasn't boring." It really was. Her parents took formality very seriusly and had a tendency to see childrem as small adults. But sometimes they had nice trips and Gwen liked to play office or lawyer. Besides she usually had fun with her cousin, well, when he wasn't using picking her up from school as an excuse to pass by his weed dealer or forgetting her in places. Honestly he was still a better deal than the babysitters. At least for her social life.

Alice raised an eyebrow.

"I was a very well-dressed child." It was not a defense of anything. It was basically a non-sequitor but Gwendolyn needed to protect her family from the insult of having a child with a less than perfect childhood and her mind went blank (probably because of stress. It wasn't really a bad childhood was it?).

"Oh no." Alice said in a ton that was actually sympathetic. "Please tell me your parents didn't force you into formal wear."

It was soo sincere that Gwen sort of broke (and it was just because Alice was rarely sincere and not because the other woman was really attractive in a soft way when sincere).

"My older cousin once told us that if we didn't look presentable we would be switched by an evil regency body hopper." Alice giggled delighted and it was all that was needed for Gwen to keep going. "When I pointed out he was the only one in informal wear he turned to me and told me, as if the biggest secret, that the reason he was always smoking was because the evil georgian tracked bouchards by smell and the weed kept him hidden."

"What a delightfully strange cousin." Alice said. "Maybe your childhood was not all that boring. Maybe it's just you."

Gwen frowed. All the good feelings from before turning into smoke and going slowly away.

"I don't know why I still even talk to you."

Alice opened her mouth, likely to tell another joke. But stopped.

"It was a nice story, Gweeeen, no idea why you told me, specially knowing that now I will want more absurd tales from Tiny Gwen as the blood payement for surviving this place, but it was nice. "

It was an olive branch if Gwen ever saw one.

And even if things never became actually good between them, even if she woke up tomorrow feeling dumb for thinking Alice cared, even if it would make her fantasies of kissing Dyer worse. Gwen took it.

"I have enough stories for it. But don't expect then for free, I'll trade for biscuits, Celia mentioned you have a secret stash."

"Dammit Sam." Alice mumbled but she was smilling.

[blessedarethebinarybreakers]

Sorry if this is a heavy question but I don't know where else to go. Is it true that you will go to hell if you commit suicide? And if not, how can I be sure? Completely sure?

I don't ask for bad reasons, just that I have a degenerative disease and there will eventually come a point when i'm still alive but can no longer live at all. Hopefully that's still a long ways away but I want to have a choice when that time comes, rather than existing for potentially years with severe pain and no joy. But can I do that without condemning myself to an eternity of the same?

CW: suicide, hell, degenerative disease, euthanasia

Hi there, anon. I fully believe that a just and loving God would never condemn anyone who is going through the kind of internal and external struggle that leads to suicide.

I have a long article on Medium where I explore instances of suicide ideation in scripture that I recommend to you. Overall, I conclude that condemnation of suicide is not present in the Bible: the few instances of completed suicide are presented pretty neutrally; and the many instances of suicide ideation elicit God's compassion, not condemnation.

Throughout scripture, God’s response to depressed and suicidal people is not condemnation, but

validation of their experience;

removal of the factors that make them depressed/suicidal; and

helping them access a more abundant life.

When it comes to your degenerative disease, that second point might sound absurd or even offensive. I do not tout cureism; I'm absolutely not telling you to put on rose-colored lenses and pretend your disease will magically go away. While it's possible that medicine may advance in your lifetime to help prolong your life or ease your pain, it sounds like you're very aware of the realities of your disease and the more likely path it will take.

But while I don't believe in a magical genie God who vanishes away all pain and illness in our lives, I do believe in a God who enters into our suffering. A God who, when removal of pain is not possible, endures that pain with us; and who guides us into community that will support us in all that we go through. And who, yes, ultimately brings us into abundant life — partially in this life, fully in the next.

___

Along with biblical support for God's compassion for suicidal persons, Christian denominations that used to promote the idea that suicide leads to damnation have since revised those views.

As our collective understandings of mental health have developed over the last century or so, it's become more obvious even to the most traditional groups (e.g. the Catholic Church) that claiming that people who die by suicide go straight to hell is an extremely callous and unjust view and frankly, a grievous form of victim-blaming.

Instead, while emphasizing the seriousness of suicide and urging suicidal persons to seek professional assistance, most churches now assure the loved ones of those who have died by suicide that God's mercy and love cover all things. And those churches with a solid social justice mindset invest their resources in removing the societal factors that lead someone to suicide, rather than blaming the suicidal.

___

I hope this helps ease your fears somewhat, anon. You may also find encouragement in my #hell tag, where I frequently talk about how I don't believe in hell at all. God's will for all of us is relationship and thriving; and when I believe anything at all I do believe the words Jesus taught us: "thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven." Suffering and death will not have the last word; punitive "justice" will not have the last word; God's restorative justice and all-embracing love will.

Wishing you as slow a progression in your degenerative disease as possible. And no matter where this life takes you, I pray that you find your people, who will support you and advocate for you, laugh and weep with you, learn and live and love with you; and that you feel God's deep, abiding love, holding you close through all things.

[folkdances]

so the problem is that i'm 20 basically. quebec does college between high school and university and you can take a 2 or 3 year degree. 2 year degrees are meant to facilitate going into uni whereas 3 years are basically trade school. i didn't have the necessary prerequisites for the 2 year sciences program because i was in sec. 5 during the pandemic and my parents are immigrants and my high school didn't explain anything re:cegep so long story short i picked the wrong course and then couldn't switch it because my school was doing this split grade thing to stop the spread of the virus and they didn't want to risk anything by putting me into the other section. yay. and of course my parents wouldn't let me do social sciences so i got stuck in this stuuuupid fucking 3 year that i hated so so badly and i couldn't switch out because my dad started playing sunk-cost fallacy mindgames with me and then when i graduated cegep my parents were like "well why didn't you just take a semester of prereqs and switch into sciences" BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T LET ME. but that's water under the bridge anyway so i'm doing 2 semesters of prerequisites at university now and i hate it also because admissions screwed up my file it was 100% their fault but i had no proof backing up my side of the story so there was nothing i could do about it so maybe it'll take me 3 semesters. i will have to talk to a counselor about this because as things are i will only be taking a singular 3-credit class in the third semester which is frankly absurd. but anyway so after that i need to take a science undergrad because of course i am doing science prereqs. and i love love love science but it's not the thing i'm like passionate about spending my whole life doing you know? so i focused on psych because it's at this intersection between humanities and sciences where i won't be like suicidal if i have to do it for the rest of my life. but the thing is for maybe 5? probably more years now my biggest dream has been to go to law school like i am not exaggerating i tried going to sleep just now and spent 40 minutes thinking about law school before i got so upset i cracked open my laptop instead of continuing to try to go to sleep. genuinely the idea of being a lawyer makes me so happy i could cry i love law i want to help people i want to make a change in the world but at the baseline i love law! i love civil litigation i love crim law i love labour law family law personal injury international law i love it all so deeply any one of my friends could attest to you that it is the number one thing i am interested in and fascinated by and i'm sure this sounds so silly and trivial to everyone but it is so important to me. but the problem is that i am 20 and will be 21 by the time i finish my prereqs meaning i will be 2 years behind everyone i graduated high school with. finishing my undergrad will take 2-3 years so i will be 23-24 by the time i finish. and law takes 3-4 years so if i were to get in (which is unlikely because they have an ~11% admissions rate) i would graduate anywhere between 27-29. that's just too much. if it were up to me i would have no problem with it but i don't know if there's any way my parents would be okay with that because it's a lot of money and a lot of time for a degree that i don't even know they'll like. ignoring the fact that my only hope for law is mcgill because they don't require the lsats which i cannot afford to take anyway. so i should just die basically

[silvermoon424]

OMG, thank you for the chicken apocalypse rec (or... anti-rec?) it was so amazingly absurd. So many dire closeups of chickens being horrifyingly... chickeny. (Definitely had some content that was not for everyone but I'm pretty impervious) Are there any other memorably off the wall horror manga you know of?

I'm so glad you actually took the time to read my recommendation post! And don't worry, I have more recommendations!

Human Ranch: Elves kidnap a school bus full of Japanese teenagers because apparently human meat is a delicacy in the elf world.

Doku Mushi: A group of people wake up in an abandoned school building that has been totally sealed. They have no food, and the only thing they're given of note is a butcher knife, a big pot, and cooking utensils. Do the math on what their captor wants them to do lol (it's cannibalism).

Tonarimachi no Catastrophe: This one actually isn't that bad, but you did ask for off the wall manga. The manga is about a town where, one day, the sky and the ground inexplicably invert. The manga follows different citizens trying to survive while also trying to uncover the source of this phenomenon.

Children (by Miura Miu): tl;dr- a bunch of orphans living in a super remote area have the "job" of killing people and disposing of bodies. Pretty heavy on the gore, but for you in particular I think it would be fine since you- like me- are impervious to a lot, lol. This manga had some potential but unfortunately it's pretty obvious it got axed early on, leading to a rushed conclusion.

Shibuya Goldfish: Full disclosure, I have not read this one myself, but I think you would love it since it's basically the chicken apocalypse manga but with giant goldfish.

Scumbag Loser: Another manga that isn't too bad, but has an interesting premise. It's about a social outcast who is obsessed with smells and can identify people by their scents. After meeting someone who claims to be his childhood friend- which is impossible because she died 5 years ago- he begins noticing how his fellow "scumbags" disappear before reappearing with entirely different scents and personalities.

Signal 100: A death game-type manga where a class is hypnotized into committing suicide. Before they die at their own hands, they must complete the tasks given to them.

And finally, if you want an off-the-wall horror manga that's actually good and clever, I can't recommend Franken Fran and its sequel Franken Fran Frantic enough!

[licncourt]

I totally understand your opinion about amc Lestat but don't you think this could just be Louis' perspective on him? Or Claudia herself? They portrayed Lestat as a demon in first book, I want to give a chance to the 2 second , the show plays a lot with things from point of view and memory, I think people are giving up too soon...

I've talked about this before, but it was over a year ago now so I'll explain again.

While I understand where you're coming from, I honestly don't think it would matter to me. Even if what happened in ep 5 was 100% something Louis or Claudia dreamed up, I would still have major issues because:

Even though ep 1 had a content warning for Paul's suicide, there was absolutely nothing before ep 5, something that the viewers had established trust with the creators to do. I think there's one now on AMC+, but that was added weeks later after backlash. The showrunners doubling down and the episode director almost mocking fans who were upset was incredibly tasteless as well.

The story as pitched by the showrunners feels very much like bait and switch false advertising. It was pitched to the viewers as a gothic love story that was "the most faithful adaptation of IWTV ever". Not to mention the insane tonal shift into something that moved from fantasy violence against NPCs to brutal domestic violence and the vampire version of sexual assault. Anyone coming from the books had no reason to anticipate this dynamic between Loustat, nor would anyone who checked out the source material prior to see if they would be okay with it

If they go the "Louis/Claudia imagined this/made it up/misremembered the events" route, I think that's a questionable at best and offensive at worst narrative to put forth about domestic violence victims since the showrunners seem to not see anything wrong with it. Portraying it is one thing, not seeing how presenting domestic abuse as "the fallibility of memory" is pretty messed up is another

Especially considering Rolin Jones' comments after one of the episodes that he wanted to "play with race" as a white man, I find the ep 5 events combined with the dynamic in ep 6 gross as hell. It's explicitly referred to as being like a master/slave relationship, that's insane considering the stated goal of the show was to make the story modern and racially aware. Obviously AMC wants Loustat to be romantic endgame, but they're starting off with a white man basically owning his black partner and child like animals

My problems with the episode also extend to Claudia's sexual assault. Again, not something that was in the book at all but rather added by a white male creator because I guess that's the only way women are allowed to face adversity in media. Claudia is already an incredibly tragic character, that was absurd to add for what, drama? Having Daniel make cruel comments about it to Louis and having Lestat (a canon sexual assault victim) mock her for it is the cherry on top.

Overall it was just a really shitty thing for the creators to do no matter what the ultimate outcome. Several of my good friends who are book fans were extremely triggered by the scene and totally blindsided by something that felt completely gratuitous and honestly like shock bait to be edgy and generate social media buzz. Again, unbelievably tasteless.

I don't have any faith in the good intentions of the creators anymore, and that sucks because there were a lot of good things about the show before that.

[ladyluscinia]

So I think I've settled on the first trend in meta I've clocked as weird coming out of S2. Namely that Edward will not apologize to anyone about anything on account of it's not that kind of show, and he shouldn't be expected to or criticized if he doesn't.

Mostly I've seen this backed up with the fact that OFMD is more about being your authentic self than being a good person, and that physical harm is brushed off or prioritized under emotional harm (and Edward was suffering maximum emotional harm). And I mean... Yeah, the show does care about emotional health, but I'm not seeing how that means expecting our protagonists to gain the faintest awareness of their social contract to others is absurd?

Edward and Stede are both wildly self-centered and morally bankrupt people, which is funny. I don't expect them to suddenly gain a respect for the lives of every random stranger they stumble into anymore than I would expect the house vampires from WWDITS to do the same. They aren't going to stop being pirates. And frankly, they don't even have to stop being mostly self-centered (I'm not even sure they could, tbh).

But unlike the house vampires, Edward and Stede have a lot more people in their lives who they are directly responsible for. And we like those people!

The show has not pulled its punches on how Edward and Stede and their relationship issues have hurt the crew. Edward tried to murder-suicide everyone with him after making them miserable! Stede has struggled to even care about their hurts even when Lucius is shouting them in his face! Found family? Where???

The crew is doing a great job of learning to support each other and the captains, but Stede and Edward do not reciprocate that support internally. (They sometimes do against outside threats.) And, yeah, even in my silly black comedy about murderers, I would like to see them say "sorry we used you as physical and emotional punching bags" and show a bit of awareness of their authority before the show sends them off on a happy ending with the crew presumably still working for them?!?

It's not weird to expect crumbs of character growth???

And like, crucially, this isn't even a new idea in the show! Mutual respect and support and trying not to harm each other is the beating heart of Stede's new pirate culture goal. It's fundamental to any social contract where everyone gets to "be themselves" because it's hard for Jim and Archie to do that when Edward decides in his true self / place of authority they actually need to fight to the death for his broken heart. And Stede starts off not doing this correctly because he doesn't instinctively know how to be kind or caring, but that's what character growth is for.

WWDITS has Guillermo as the one person all these terrible people are obligated to give consideration to in their social contract, and they have increasingly learned and shown that reciprocal support. Including apologies.

And I'm not even expecting anything huge. I don't see any reason they need to dwell on it. We don't need to decide which crew members would realistically deem them unforgivable. Edward doesn't have to grovel on his knees. Stede also needs to apologize. And they can both do it in the most awkward, stilted yet sincere way and then put most of their apology effort into changing behaviors, but I still think it should happen.

So I suppose they can have our main couple continue without acknowledging they fucked up with people besides themselves, but it would make them worse people than the WWDITS vampires and I expect the humor to adapt accordingly.

Final scene is them exchanging wedding vows while the crew pitches the anchor they are both tied to overboard?

[thesoftestcowboy]

This is wayy late but I just realised I never really posted this anywhere - this is a collage I made for an exhibition we had on this year's TdoV. It's quite a personal piece and a bit unusual as I tend to do more light-hearted work these days, but I really like it - its topic was the assesments I went through when I legally changed my name and gender marker in 2018. The top layer of each paper were some (photocopied) lines of the assesment documents rearranged in a way that is meant to showcase the sheer absurdity and ultimate meaninglessness of the process (and the views on gender behind it).

I won't upload the individual pictures (the text is almost all german anyway), but I'll put a transcription and some thoughts below the cut! TW for some transphobia (nothing physically violent, but it's kinda the whole topic), discussion of ableism and sexism, mentions of suicide and self-harm. Also it's quite long

1- "Customer receipt | In reply to the question | 1. Does a transsexual characteristic exist in the applicant? | In the scales for recording of the so-called gender dysphoria, gender was codified and calculated. | Answers will be noted | Mr XXXX is waiting for your evaluation."

The background is different passport pictures of myself - from age 2 to mid-20s - overlaid and edited to make them resemble a person without any specific, tangible traits. I wasn't less male when I wore braids or lipstick and don't see the point in contrasting the 'before' and 'after' - all of these layers are a part of me and can't be separated by gender or age or before and after.

2- "1.6 Family medical history: | Mr. XXXX states that in his blood relatives, the following ailments are known: | Persistent male identity experience | the parents' marriage | social success | normal sexual interest || Mr. XXXX emphasises again and again, how good and harmonious he feels in the male role, in contrast to her father and brother, who, due to their tomboyish behavior, are allowed to live out freely the male role and consistent masculine appereance | allthough no change of first name or status of the person was implemented. | At present, no treatment by doctors is being carried out."

I won't translate all of them, but on the bottom page, I added a variety of questions I have been asked about gender or transitioning , with the ones from the evaluation bolded. Some of them just deal with plain old sexism ("Are you sure this is not dad's job?", "Is this gift for a boy?"). The bolded statements return to being about wearing dresses again and again ("But you had to wear one for grandma, right?"). The drawings in the background are from a picture of my family I did in kindergarten, copied a bunch of times and the heads and bodies switched. Adding onto the last picture, I wanted to show the layers of gendering that even a 4-year-old experiences day-to-day.

3- "Mr. XXXX has, due to the assessment for the change of first name and personal status according to TSG, undergone testing on the topics of | sitting, walking and talking, efficiency, letter reading, number repetition, and | letter repetition, perception and other cognitive functions as well as | intelligence || After assessing the overall situation and the developmental specifics, the existence of | general personality traits can be affirmed."

The lines are, again, rearranged, but yes I had to do exercises about counting and vocabulary. Is there a level of intelligence needed to be trans? I don't think ableism and transphobia intertwinging with these kinds of evaluations are a secret exactly.

4- "The appetite is directed towards men in fantasy as well as practice. | Mr. XXXX appears 'gay, interested in men as a man' | Apparently, so it is reported, he has had good experiences overall with this."

The page is covered with a thin, lavender fabric, partly covering dating advice for young women from a 1950s book. Apart from the color symbolism, the fabric would usually be found in women's clothes. Being gay is quite an important part of being a man for me, but that meaning is usually downplayed or ignored in these assessments.

5- "2.4.2.1 Rorschach-Test || 3. Diagnosis | Ailments, (e.g. | Depression, somatisation, anxiety, mania as well as transvestism, sexual disorders, unacknowledged homosexuality, neurotic or psychotic disorders, personality disorders, disorders due to substance abuse etc. or self-harming tendencies, anxieties, depressions, compulsions, personality disorders, sexual disorders, [unreadable] disorders, addictions, suicide attempts, psychosomatic disorders, | hallucinations, egomania) | unlimited concentration problems | but all in all healthy."

The Rorschach test is controversial at best and yet something to go through for this. Do you question the scientific basis of this during evaluation and risk it all? Or do you just give half-asses answers that go on to diagnose you with something or the other? Overall, psychiatry is used against you either way. At which point am I too depressed to be allowed to be trans?

6- "by all means perceived as male | holding the male role | under consideration of the principles described above, Mr. XXXX fulfills the legal and medical criteria without a reasonable doubt. || Score: 3 || Diagnosis atfer [ICD-10, gender dysphoria F. 64.0, with citations.]"

Trying to get a good score at being male which is normal to expect of people and possible to achieve, as proven by me actually having succeeded in doing a name change.

[frengles]

(cw: death, suicide, real feelings etc)

im not a particularly superstitious person but my mother stopped posting on social media 2 months ago after many days of posting about being in hospice care and i can feel in my heart that she is dead I think. I guess that's not so much divine intuition as the only logical conclusion. If my grandparent's remember that they still have my contact information, they have not contacted me about it. Which makes sense I guess. I made every indication that was how I wanted things to be.

What does one do in this situation? This isn't bereavement, I have nothing tangible to point to except an empty twitter. If I were brave I could email my grandparents and ask. But I feel at this point I hardly know these people either, and I have no idea if they would respond hatefully. I think it might break me to receive that kind of response.

One of my friend's who I made here was recently voluntarily admitted to a psych ward after a suicide attempt. Of all the people I've met here so far, I felt like she could understand my complex feelings, desires, and laments about life most wholly. When I found out, after I confirmed that she was going to be ok, I found myself thinking the selfish thought: why is it the people who understand me are always so maladapted? I know in my heart it is because I too, have always been this way - I have spent a lot more of my life teetering on the edge of collapse than I have in a normal trajectory. I often have the feeling I put so much effort into cosplaying at normalcy - I force myself to carry out routines, to smile, and I often feel compelled to create some kind of lie in workplace situations if the truth might reveal my maladapted heart. I will often feel compelled to do something absurd behind the scenes to give off the impression that I have accomplished something in a normal way. Lately I've been realizing I don't really do these things well, and the illusion might only be for me. I have a lot of things to confront. But how am I supposed to confront them when I don't have time? I've been given a modicum of responsibility at my job and lately I've been feeling exhausted by it, and also pathetic that I seem to get so exhausted so quickly.

Augh. I will come out of this. I always do. Digging the hole and climbing back out again etc.

[asheoninactive]

hi I don't go to persona but I want to understand your posts. which one is the most bearable to play

Persona 3 is my favorite game of all time and is probably the modern game I’d recommend the most. It’s very emotionally draining and sad but also it’s the most normal out of all the modern games to play. Also it’s themes about life and what it means to live is something up your alley.

You can play it on a PSP emulator! But also watching the movies is a good way of experiencing the story too. There’s four in total and while some are better than others again it’s a serviceable way of experiencing the game if you’re not up for playing/watching a playthrough of a 40 hour jrpg. (I’m pretty sure they’re all on YouTube anyways)

The Persona 2 games are also pretty good although I would just recommend watching a playthrough of both Innocent Sin and Eternal Punishment. Since it’s an old JRPG and it’s not as polished especially compared to modern games. It doesn’t even play the same like theres no social links or any of the usual modern gameplay in persona.

But if you want to play through it both innocent sin and eternal punishment are also available through a PSP emulator (although you’d have to play with an English patch for Eternal Punishment). Unfortunately unlike the other persona games there’s no other alternative way to experiencing the games. But if you can sit through like 2 20 hour videos showing the entire story each and just experience it in breaks that’s fine.

Both P2 and P3 are kind of my go tos to recommending at least story wise although I will say. Persona 3 has weird shounen anime moments when they creep on women (they’re not important to the story most times but characters like Junpei will make out of pocket comments that are 😬) and specifically P3, fes, and portable have an infamous transphobic scene that is also skippable.

Persona 3 again is also very heavy and has frequent allusions to suicide (characters literally shoot themselves to use their powers) and it can be quite upsetting. There’s a lot of death and the story is about death and how people cope with it. So just heads up about that.

Persona 2 (innocent sin) also has an off handed transphobic joke in one of the NPCs. I forget where I just know it exists. There’s also fatphobia. But also innocent sin shows depictions of hitler and nazis and while it is absurd and it’s very clear they condemn them and they’re your enemies its . Still there . I should preface that it’s there in case someone would be upset by it.

But I think both P2 and 3 are the best persona games story wise and would be the ones you and pretty much most of my oomfies would get enjoyment out of ^^

[obstinatecondolement]

One of the issues I have with purity culture in contemporary fandom is that a lot of its most ardent adherents have a very... unexamined approach to a lot of their most hardline beliefs?

CW: discussion of incest, rape, harassment, suicide baiting; references to the lynching of Emmett Till and anti-Black racism

Like, for example, many of them seem to a) have an extremely broad interpretation of what relationships are incestuous and b) do not really know why they object to incest beyond it being yucky disgusting. But here's the thing: lots of things are yucky disgusting that are perfectly fine to do with a consenting partner or partners.

Which leads me to what I believe to be the real issue with non-fictional incest: it is almost always a form of sexual abuse.

I notably saw a group of people (who I do not think would harass people over this, to be fair) very earnestly making the point that you could not ethically ship Saavik and David, because they were "step-siblings."

Let's unpack that. Kirk is the biological father of David Marcus. He did not raise him and only met him for the first time when he was an adult with a terminal degree. Saavik is, in Beta canon, adopted into Spock's family (she seems to have been raised by him and his parents rather than being his literal adoptive daughter, although I haven't read the relevant novels) as a young child. Kirk and Spock, in fandom, are a popular ship.

So like... let's take at face value here the idea that Kirk and Spock are definitely married post-canon and that David considers himself 100% Kirk's son and Saavik considers herself 100% Spock's daughter. Are we to believe that people who met as adults, whose parents get married after they met, cannot ever have a consensual romantic and/or sexual relationship? That this kind of relationship can only be exactly equivalent to one where a sibling sexually abuses another and should be condemned in exactly the same way? Like... really? Do you not think that is enormously insulting to survivors of incest?

To take a more actively harmful example: what are the people who profess to believe that fiction about certain topics can cause real life harm believe they are doing when they tell people to kill themselves? If they actually believe what they say they believe, are they not at best attempted murders by their own standards? Is trying to kill someone not bad? And if they don't believe that they should be accountable for someone taking them seriously and obliging their request by killing themselves... then do they not feel embarrassed to expose their own hypocrisy like that in public?

And it gets even more absurd when the same people claim to support prison abolition, because they have inferred from the social justice internet zeitgeist that that is an extremely progressive thing to support. Girl! You openly believe that immoral fan fiction is a capital offense! But you want to extend restorative justice to violent offenders? Make it make sense. Or do you interpret prison abolition to be a pivot to mob justice where "the real sickos" get what's coming to them, as opposed to a belief that the state's abuse of prisoners is unconscionable? Because I invite you to read Emmett Till's fucking Wikipedia page if you think that's a great idea.

And I hope that I'm not being gauche by invoking the murder of a 14 year old child by racists so married to white supremacy that they thought a Black child whistling at a white woman was punishable by torture and a slow, painful death. This is not that by any stretch of the imagination.

But people have killed themselves over this shit. Children have died because of harassment they got over liking Problematic Things. It's certainly not anything like comparable to anti-Black violence in scale—and being a fan of yucky disgusting fandom content is not a marginalised identity that is literally inescapable without becoming estranged from your family and community for life, and that itself not being an option for most, as is the case of passing for white—but it has been lethal, and to the families of the people who died, I doubt it is any comfort that it was because of fandom bullshit as opposed to systemic oppression. And I do think that the patterns of thinking are parallel here, even if it would be enormously inappropriate to claim a one-to-one relationship between the two. To be fair, I think that the people I am talking about here would not themselves participate in a physical murder, but they may certainly approve of one they perceived to be righteous.

But, ugh, yeah. I'm just sick of people parroting back things they have been browbeaten into believing are Irredemable™ without any fucking reflection at all about why those things are bad and why a proportional response involves harassment and death threats or suicide baiting. I think probably most of these people are afraid to think for themselves, in case they think the wrong thoughts, but at least some of them are aware that it's all a fucking grift and just love harassing people for the rush.

[dreaminginthedeepsouth]

Republicans are unclear on the concept of negotiating.

         Republicans in the House have been telling anyone who will listen that they will take the debt ceiling as a hostage to force Democrats to cut spending on Social Security and Medicare. Hostage-taking is inconsistent with good faith negotiations—a concept that appears to elude Republicans.

         Rep. James Comer repeated the hostage threat over the weekend when he said the following on a Sunday talk show: "So, the Senate is going to have to recognize the fact that we're not going to budge until we see meaningful reform with respect to spending."

         President Biden has stated several times that he will not negotiate with Republicans over budget cuts if they use the debt ceiling as a hostage. Republicans are shocked, offended, and puzzled that Biden will not negotiate with them if they threaten to destroy the global economy to get what they want. GOP Rep. Don Bacon whined on ABC's "This Week" about Biden's refusal to negotiate with terrorists:

When President Biden says he's just going to refuse to negotiate with Republicans on any concessions, I don't think that's right . . . . President Biden has to negotiate. He can't say he refuses to negotiate.

See Talking Points Memo, G.O.P. Complains That Biden Administration Won't Negotiate With Terrorists On Debt Limit.

         As I noted in yesterday's newsletter, Republicans are quickly coming to understand that they have painted themselves into a negotiating corner from which there is no graceful escape. If your opening offer is a "Take-it-or-leave-it" demand tied to a nuclear threat, if your opponent refuses to "Take it," you have nowhere to go after your opponent says, "No thanks. I'll leave it."

         The absurdity and unreality of the GOP threat to cut Social Security is driven home by recent polling. A CBS News / YouGov poll conducted last week found that 7 in 10 Americans rate "protecting Social Security and Medicare" as a "high priority" for the 118th Congress. Guess which demographic group ranks protecting Social Security and Medicare the highest? Answer: White Americans with no college degree (78%). (See page 65 of 77.) Guess which demographic group most strongly supports the Republican Party? White Americans with no college degree. It would be political suicide for Republicans to cut Medicare and Social Security.

         Republican House members have begun to change their rhetoric by saying they will "protect" Social Security—but in the same breath, talk about raising the retirement age for qualifying for Social Security benefits to 70. When Republican Rick Allen of Georgia was cornered in a Capitol hallway by a reporter last week, Allen justified raising the Social Security retirement age to 70 by claiming that people "actually want to work longer." Uh, no, they don't—at least they don't want to be forced to work longer before becoming eligible for Social Security. And to be clear, raising the retirement age is the same as cutting Social Security benefits. See Justifying Attack on Social Security, House Republican Claims People' Want to Work Longer' (commondreams.org).

         Here's my point: Republicans are backtracking on cutting Social Security so quickly that they are saying stupid things like, "People want to work longer" to justify cutting benefits. While none of this guarantees that Republicans won't crater the world economy, they now understand that their heated campaign demagoguery is indefensible. Whether they can work themselves out of the wet paper bag into which they have inserted themselves remains to be seen. But the dynamic has shifted in favor of rationality.

Robert B. Hubbell Newsletter

[thosearentcrimes]

Medical Assistance in Dying

On tumblr, the debate around the Canadian Medical Assistance in Dying (MAiD) law seems to be primarily between those who consider the law to be functionally an assault on disabled people, and those who consider it a bold step in the extension of personal autonomy. Now, it doesn't seem to me that the law appreciably advances personal autonomy, if in order to be eligible you must "have a grievous and irremediable medical condition" (and be over the age of 18 and mentally competent, the more usual standards for denying personal autonomy). The situation regarding the former argument is rather more complicated.

Those who consider the law an assault on disabled people imagine that the law will form a critical plank of a social policy whose deliberate aim is their death. I do not find their fears on this point absurd. I would like to imagine that if a minister were told that their pension reform policy would predictably lead to the voluntary (but how voluntary is it, if it is the predictable result of actions deliberately taken by another) suicide of hundreds or thousands of people they would always consider that a tragedy to be avoided and not additional savings, but I am not an idiot. Additionally, while the voluntary request and informed consent requirements are a good and necessary safeguard, I bet that if you gave the executors of the state's social policy quotas or bonuses per applicant, the number of voluntary requests with informed consent would in fact rise non-negligibly.

Those who advocate for the law as an extension of personal autonomy seem to be advocating in reality for a hypothetical future version of the law which actually respects personal autonomy, which they believe the present law can lead to. That's probably true. Conservatives love to bring up the less pleasant associations of the early reproductive rights movement, but in this case that demonstrates that even progressive laws with unsavory backgrounds and political coalitions can improve over time, keeping the good and losing the bad. If MAiD can present people with situations where a rational and voluntary suicide was clearly preferable to the predictable alternatives, that can function as an argument for extension of eligibility.

Of course, it would be rather callous to say that the ultimate objective makes the targeted group an acceptable sacrifice, wouldn't it? To be clear, from what I've seen the pro-MAiD people reject the notion that there is any sacrifice being made, that there is any real threat at play, so this is no slight on their moral character. But I believe that the threat is real enough to be worried about, and as such if I were to support the form of MAiD that exists in Canada, it would imply that I think such a sacrifice acceptable. I don't.

An interesting MAiD-adjacent policy is the frequent but typically insincere proposal to allow assisted suicide as an alternative to long-term imprisonment. Promoting assisted suicide, opposing carceral justice in the abstract, promoting the death penalty, opposing concrete prison conditions, so many policies for which assisted suicide as an alternative to imprisonment is a convenient reductio ad absurdum. It is primarily an argument rather than a policy, and many gadflies who make the case for it to make a point would not actually want to see it implemented. But say it were a policy, let's say under the same conditions as MAiD except with the medical assessment replaced with sentencing. Would it be an important step towards expansion of personal autonomy, or would it be reintroduction of the death penalty by stealth?

I am likewise drawn to consider the implications of the policy for trans people. We have a notoriously high suicide rate, and transness is still treated as an illness in many countries (and in others as a crime). Now, going by the conditions for MAiD, it is obvious that neither "transsexuality" nor "gender dysphoria" really satisfy the requirements for a "grievous and irremediable medical condition". In short, it is neither grievous nor irremediable (as a sidenote: the mental illness only moratorium would cause this to be the first time the lady brain hypothesis was actually relevant).

But I'd be willing to bet that transphobes (especially the ones that try to avoid openly religious or homophobic argumentation, like TERFs) would argue that it does satisfy the requirements. Sure, the suffering can be relieved under conditions we consider acceptable, but they do not consider those conditions acceptable. And we may not consider transition an "advanced state of decline that cannot be reversed", but they definitely do. Imagine that the British government continues to watch the gender clinic waitlist problem get worse (in May 2022 the waiting list at Tavistock GIC was ~19 years long at the present rate, and growing ~6.5x faster than it was being processed), while proposing a medically-assisted suicide program for trans people.

Should we consider this a great step forward for personal autonomy? After all, much as MAiD is independent of insufficient state disability assistance, this hypothetical program is independent of the catastrophic failure of the NHS to provide care for trans people! It is obviously not actually the same situation, and I'm not trying to claim support for MAiD implies potential support for this. But I think it is an example to consider.

[canirim]

I won't make commissions anymore

Trying to put my feelings and thoughts in an organized text is something I struggle with sometimes, so doing this first 'though dump' on twitter helped me a lot. But I want to word this better, and maybe get into more detail than twitter allows me with the word limit.

In the past few days, I've been feeling very depressed. It's not a new feeling for me, and the reason for this for sure isn't. After my classes where done, I had high expectations for myself, that I would draw a lot and finish all of the things I had sitting in my WIP paste for months and even years - pretty unrealistic, but I often do set goals that are impossible for me. And when I did not meet the high standard I set for myself, it all came crashing down. The thing is, my work pace is really slow. I don't know how much of this is a constant burnout from depression, my perfectionism holding me back, and the pressure I get from the horrendous hyper-fast expectation that social media set up, with the lifespan of a post being so short. Even outside of my art making, I don't feel like I can keep up with things: I rarely manage to watch things when they are coming out, get stuck re watching the same shows and movies I already love because of the comfort they give me...

And I guess that's okay. Life has been harsh on all of us, way more than it needed to be. And not a single person on this Earth live the same life and reacts to things the same way, so it is pretty absurd that I keep comparing myself to others like that. But I still can't help but do it, to hold a notion of perfection that I'll never let myself reach, always pushing the bar up. Growing up suicidal, I didn't think I'd live past 16. I'm 22. Going on to 23 in just six more months - and God, how life goes by fast when you stop waiting to die. But the thing is, I didn't really made any plans for my life. When I decided to try and live, art was "the only thing I'm kinda okay at" for me. And in a way, it still is; I don't have that many skills, specially not marketable ones. But I can work with what I have, and try to learn more.

So, I'll try to find a part time job. It's terrifying and very hard to job hunt in this mess of an economy we're living in, all the entry level jobs seem to expect that you have previous experience. With my mom taking care of me, I'm in a privileged position where I'm not struggling financially and can survive this time searching, but I know that won't last forever - nothing does. All I can do is try to be ready for when it changes.

And I'll keep doing art. I'll stay on my university, learning more about this thing that I love, experimenting the most I can. But I don't want to open commissions or requests again in the near future. I'm thankful to the few people that did, extra thankful for my friends and family that hyped me up, but it only made me stressed and worried, with very little financial gain. And I'm tired of trying to make the thing that makes me happy profitable. I want to make art for ME. I want to create for ME. I want to make myself happy, give me room to breath and be safe.

This does not mean I'll stop posting, streaming and etc., but I won't try to rush my art anymore. It will be finished when it's finished, it'll be about things I really want to make, and won't ever be perfect. So, if you followed for my art only, I understand if you want to leave.

But if you do stick around, I hope you'll enjoy...seeing more of me and my thoughts I guess! Thank you for reading and for all the support so far!