#domhildr

[corneille-but-not-the-author]

New Year's Eve part 14

"Domhildr?"

"Mh?"

"Can you answer the phone please?"

We are at home. My place. I'm dressed in a fashion most of my colleagues would describe as pervert. I am incredibly scared of being seen right now.

Except from her.

She helped me put the makeup on.

We chose the skirt together.

The shirt is just enough ambiguous.

The tights are opaque. I cannot see the hair.

She's making me sing and hum.

And cook with her.

What is she transforming me into?

Dear God, I fear I have strayed from your path and I don't think I want to go back.

Because it feels great being like this.

Strong. Yet beautiful.

Smiling. Yet honest.

It's a whole new lot of sensations.

It feels okay.

But right now I am trying to fry some potatoes without sullying myself, and I am not doing a great job. All the while Domgildr is resting comfortably on my couch.

It's not the first time she's been at my place.

So when I hear the phone ring I think it's some kind of person who wants to sell me something.

"On it!" she says.

I like when she come here as she is.

I like being elegant while she is a bit of a hobo.

Opposite aesthstics, she would say.

I just thinks she's neat however she is. And she's even cuter when she smiles. And she smiles a lot more while being a hobo.

All fixated on contemplating her, the distinct sound of the oil jumping out of the pan. Meaning I need to focus a bit more on the tak at hand.

She takes the phone.

"Hello! Domhildr and Co, how may I help you?"

Her smile is brigther than the sun.

Nothing on the other side. I look at her for a second. She seems to wait for an answer. And then.

"Hello...? Can I talk to Sigismund please?"

Mother.

Domhildr looks at me in shock. I try to articulate silently "it's my mother", to no avail.

Why did she call?

What is happening?

In despair I let my cooking resume and take the phone from Domhildr's hand. She lets it go with ease, unlike the look she gives me.

"Hello, Mother ?"

"Sigismund, dear ! What just happened? Who was this girl? Dom... Domhildr ?"

"Sorry, Mother. It's... I've got her over. We are cooking. Together."

I am not lying. I am not lying. I am a good boy.

Boy.

"You bring girls home? Since when?"

"It's the first time."

I'm lying.

I'm lying to Mother.

But all is good. Domhildr take my hand.. Her fingers goes around mine. It feels good. Right.

"I see. Well, I wanted to call because your grandmother is visiting us next week. Surely you didn't forget."

I did forgot.

"We expect you in two days. With your fiancé. Have a great cooking session!"

....

Yeah.

It will be great. Despite you, Mother.

Domhildr looks at me with worry in her eyes.

But I'm okay. I smile.

"Guess they won't be too happy about that, mh?"

She looks at me.

Her hand still firmly in mine.

It's a tiny bubble lf happiness.

And reality won't break it.

[soupedepates]

My girl My sassy fairy My reckless fae I love her

[noa-de-cajou]

CW for poor attempts at emotional manipulation, toxic behaviors, and just the usual Leonova bullshit

Domhildr (mentioned) belongs to @soupedepates

Let’s go lesbis

10/01/2025

Ether 💛 : I told you I needed to be at work on New Year's to help at the ER, Leo, we’ve been over this

Leo 🧛🏻‍♀️ : We get it. Your work is more important to you than we are.

Leo 🧛🏻‍♀️ : You even let Khaliun answer your phone when I called on Christmas. If I don't interest you for anything other than sex, just say so.

Me : Um, i was okay with it actually??? 😶

Ether 💛 : Leo are you for real rn?? If I could have spent the New Year's with you I would have!!

Leo 🧛🏻‍♀️ : Sure you would have. New Year's is fine but I'm not even allowed to go spend Christmas at your place.

Ether 💛 : I invited you??? You’re the one who said you couldn't come!!

Leo 🧛🏻‍♀️ : Because I knew you didn't want me around, otherwise you'd have insisted more

Ether 💛 : For fucks sake Leonova

Ether 💛 : I can't run after you all the time

Leo 🧛🏻‍♀️ : Good, I see you've stopped pretending to care.

Ether 💛 : …

Ether 💛 : I need to go back to work. Talk to you later

Leo 🧛🏻‍♀️ : How very convenient.

Me : Leo drop it ur being of bad faith rn

Leo 🧛🏻‍♀️ : Oh if you want to keep getting trampled on, be my guest, Khaliun.

Alright, that’s it. I'm sick of this.

Me : ur off work right

Leo 🧛🏻‍♀️ : It’s 8pm. Of course I'm off work. Why?

Me : Nice

Me : see u soon 😄

I turn off my notifications. I went to her flat with Ether to have coffee like five days ago. I don't really remember the way, but I have the address registered.

Maybe it’s a bad idea. But it'd be worse to say it by text where Leonova has the control and where Ether can see.

This can’t go on.

I like Leo. I don't think she’s a good or a bad person. I think she's funny, and witty, and pretty, and smart. I think she's also violent and mean. She’s not always like that, but it's been a lot more tense since Christmas. Ether just takes, then breaks up, then gets her back, then it's the honeymoon phase all over again. I've stayed silent. I've just watched. Not my relationship, not my business, right?

But it's my girlfriend who cries herself to sleep because Leonova can’t be bothered to think about how she feels. It's her fault if I get Ether calling me in tears every two weeks.

Her fault.

And my business.

***

“Um, Leo? There’s someone at the door.”

… She didn’t.

“It’s Khaliun.”

Nevermind. Of course she did.

“Do I let her in or…?”

Urgh. If I leave her at the door, I might find her sleeping there tomorrow morning. That girl is worse than a cockroach. Might as well get this over with.

“Sure.”

As soon as the door opens, her voice rings out. Ever so cheerful. Hi, Kalerich, how’s it going, you look a little pale, make sure to go outside from time to time, where’s your sis, oh right sorry my shoes. Grating. One can only wonder where she gets all that energy from.

She stomps to the living room. She's wearing an old band t-shirt with sweatpants, her socks are bright pink like a little kid’s, her cap is just as horrendous as I remember. Yet she still looks good. I hate that I can't say that she’s ugly without lying.

I close my laptop, she throws herself into one of the chairs. She's still smiling like a dumbass, but her smile is… different than usual.

“Didn't your parents teach you that it’s rude to barge into people’s homes past 7pm?

Khaliun laughs. Unfazed.

“Didn’t your parents teach you to treat your girlfriend right?”

…

There it goes. There it is. This is going to be about Ether, about how terrible of a person I am and how I should leave her for her own good. As if I don't already know that.

“Why are you being so pissy lately, Leo?”

Uh? No blaming? No screaming? What is she trying to do?

“Don’t look at me like that! I just want to understand!”

… Hah. Understand. Of course.

I get it. It's a trap, isn't it? She's going to make me believe I’m safe and then she’ll shatter me as soon as I lower my guard.

I’m not falling for that. I’m never falling for that again.

“You think you're so good, don't you.”

She blinks.

“What?”

“You think you’re so nice, so kind, that it makes you look so righteous to try to help me, like I'm some lost puppy. It might work on mellow-hearted people like Ether, but it’s not gonna work on me, Khaliun.”

She stops smiling.

I don’t think that’s ever happened before.

Good. Show me who you really are, behind all your good intentions.

“So you want me to stop being nice to you?”

“I want you to stop pitying me. I don't need you or anyone to do that. I’m doing perfectly fine.”

“You’re not,” she retorts.

Factually. Like it’s obvious that I'm not okay. I hate it. But she doesn't let me come up with a rebuttal.

“If you were okay, you wouldn’t have called on christmas. You wouldn't be projecting your insecurities onto Ether like that, either.”

Oh, so now she’s using the whole christmas ordeal as an argument against me. Of course. That’s what people like her do. That’s how they “help”.

“… I’m not projecting.”

She crosses her arms, frowning.

“You are. Ether does everything for you. She was worried she wouldn’t be available when you called on christmas so she said I could answer for her. She's always on and on about cooking your favorite dishes. She asks me for ideas for your dates. And what are you doing in return? And don’t say that you give good sex because I also do that.”

What I do in return?

…

“I’ve never given more of myself to someone. Ever. And I never asked her to do all of this for me, did I? Since when are relationships transactional?”

Khaliun sighs deeply, like I'm some kind of noisy kid in class.

“They're not. They're reciprocated. Not the same thing.”

Look at little miss not out of uni yet trying to play who’s the smartest. Trying to make me look like I'm in the wrong.

“Oh, I see how it is. Ether is the perfect girlfriend and I'm the homewrecker getting in between you two.”

“Stop twisting my words, Leonova.”

The words cut right through like stones. I don’t think she ever used my full name before.

“I never said you were a homewrecker. Fucking insecure is what you are. You know how I know? Because I know why Ether fell in love with you, I know why she wants you back every time, I know what you’ve been giving her in return. But when I asked you, you couldn't give me a single answer.”

My face grows hot.

She's right.

But you can’t let her say it.

Because if Ether finds out that you're giving her nothing, she'll leave you.

“Well, now I understand why you're in sports studies and not psychology. You'd be awful.”

“I don’t need to be studying psychology for that. You wanna know what you give her ? You give her a space where she can talk about her problems at work. You recommend books to her and she does the same and you both read the other’s recommandations. You make her laugh. You take her out when she’s feeling too down in the dumps. You give plenty of things I can give and others that I can't. But you can't be bothered to realize it!”

…

Why does she look so infuriated saying that of all things?

“You could be so good for her, and yet you still choose to behave like this!”

“Like what?”

“Like a bitch!”

For a few seconds, I'm rendered speechless.

She called me a bitch.

To my face.

I’m almost impressed.

“Say that again?”

“I’m sorry, it’s just true, I don't have a better word for it! I mean, fuck, you cheated on her!”

I dig my nails into my palm. So we’re going on this terrain now. Fine.

“Well. She had made it clear that she didn't want me around anymore.”

“You argued! It happens to everyone, yet not everyone cheats on their partner for an argument!”

I needed comfort.

I wanted to hurt her like she hurt me.

So I found a way to get both.

“Oh, so she can have several partners, but when I do it’s cheating?”

“Don’t play dumb. You know full well that's not what happened. You never told her, she had to find out on her own, and she still got you back. The act in itself wasn't the problem. What was is that you actively lied and that it was right after an argument.”

I remember the look on their faces.

Domhildr, the morning after, when she learned that I wasn't single and that my girlfriend didn't know I was here.

Ether, three weeks after it happened, telling me she had been told by the bartender that night, a friend of a friend, that I’d been with another woman. She got angry at me. She cried. Dumped me.

Didn't even resent Domhildr. She called her instead. I think they still text? I don’t know.

“That’s easy for you to say,” I groan. “You came by first. I’m only the second-hand partner. Why can’t I compensate for it sometimes?”

“... Is that really what you think? That you’re secondary? That Ether being poly grants you a free pass for cheating?”

I shrug.

I shrug?

Yes, I shrug. What else is there to say? I'm going to be the villain either way.

I've always been secondary. It’s not like it’s much of a change.

“What the hell.”

I've never seen someone look so flabbergasted. It’s almost insulting.

“I’m sorry I can't be perfect, Khaliun.”

She throws her hands into the air with an exasperated sigh.

“Perfect this, perfect that, perfect perfect perfect, is that all you ever think about?! No one asks you to be perfect, Leo!”

Liar. They all do. They all keep asking for more.

“What are you asking me, then?”

“To be better! Just that! Better! And to stop thinking that Ether must give you all the things that your parents didn’t give you, or whatever! Sure, you've been through shit, sure, you're very sad and unhappy, but that doesn’t mean that Ether has to be sad too!”

I'm not…

I’m not sad.

She doesn’t know what she’s talking about.

“... You don't know anything about my family.”

“Uh, it's not that hard to guess. I know people who come from healthy families when I see some.”

Yeah. People like you and Ether. People who were given everything without ever having to ask. People who never had anything taken from them. People who were their parents’ pride and joy. People who were born in wedlock and never had to live up to their brother.

“Anyway, my point is, that's not an excuse to treat her like shit. You know what, maybe you hate me, and that’s fine! I get it! You don’t have to like me! But always putting that jealousy on Ether, like she’s somehow responsible for your feelings? That’s bullshit.”

…

I don’t hate you. To be honest, I wish I did. What I hate is how good you are, compared to me.

But I'd rather die than admit it to you.

“So what? Should I leave? Would that make everyone feel better? Would that help you get your perfect little couple?”

“Will you quit that?! I’m not perfect! Neither is Ether! You're the only one who’s obssessed with this! You know you’re not the center of the world, right? Not everyone is out to get you! Can you ever, I don’t know, chill out? It must be exhausting for you to live like that! And it's exhausting for us, too!”

I burst out laughing.

“Exhausting for you?”

Live one fucking day in my life and see if you're the exhausted one, Khaliun. I’d love to see you try.

“Yeah, exhausting for us.”

She huffs, shifts in the chair and leans in to look me in the eyes. There's pure anger glinting in there.

But it's not an anger I can control. Which makes me feel weirdly on edge.

“You wanna know why you’re going out with Ether and not with me, Leo?”

“Because I love her, and I don't love you.”

“Yeah, sure. But no. Like I said, Ether isn’t perfect. And her biggest flaw – you know what it is? It’s that she doesn't know her worth. Sure, she knows who she is, and she’s out in the open, never compromising on it, but just because you’re confident with who you are doesn’t mean you have any idea what you're worth. You know that full well.”

“... What are you getting at?”

She gets up. I'm smaller than her, and now that I'm seated and she’s standing she's towering over me.

“You don't like me ‘cause I know my worth and I take my decisions accordingly. Doesn't mean I'm not forgiving. It’s just that I don’t let people like you manipulate me or push me around, unlike Ether does. And you?”

She takes one step towards the couch. Towards me.

“You only date people that don’t know their worth because it makes you feel so much better about yourself. You know that if they start thinking they deserve good things, they'll leave you, because you don't think you're good.”

Another step. Then another.

“I don't think you’re lying when you say you love Ether.”

She’s right in front of me.

I can’t move.

“But there's one thing you love more than her, and that’s hating yourself.”

…

“I don't –”

Her fist makes contact with the wall right next to my left ear. She leans in, her face only inches away from mine, teeth gritted in anger.

“Stop. Just stop. I’m sick and tired of your excuses, of you hurting our girlfriend just because you like wallowing in self-pity and denial so much you hurt people just to stay and sink in it. Again, I don’t hate you, and even if I did you’d still deserve respect. But don’t think that the shit you pull has no consequences.”

She tears her hand away from the wall. Her knuckles are bruised.

“You hear me, Leo?”

It's the nickname that snaps me out of it. The nickname, and the tone that has suddenly gone soft.

How fucking dare she.

“I’m not going to be lectured by a little shit who isn't even out of school yet,” I spit.

Her eyes narrow.

“I don’t see why not. You've been out of school for years and you still act like a ten year-old.”

…

She’s right.

You don’t deserve her.

No.

No, she's wrong.

She thinks she can just barge in and play the victim.

That's it.

I’m done.

“Get out.”

“I’m not do –”

I grab the thing closest to me – a cushion – and throw it at her.

“Get out of my fucking flat, Khaliun!!”

She dodges, steps back, looking even angrier.

“Or what? Are you gonna call the cops on me because your ego’s hurt?”

Oh, you wish it was the police I wanted to call.

“Get. Out.”

Her chest heaves. She looks like she's about to cry.

Like a baby.

“... Fine. Be that way then. We'll see what Ether says when you go and complain like you always do!”

She leaves the room the same way she came in – stomping. I hear a silence when she puts her shoes back on, I yell,

“Go fuck yourself!!”

And the door slams shut.

My heart thumps against my eardrums.

A minute passes by, then Kalerich comes back in with a look of concern.

“... Leo, why is there a dent in our wall?”

“It’s my appartment,” is all I can reply, shakily.

“Okay, sure. Why is there a dent in your wall?”

Because Ether can’t fucking keep her bitches on a leash, that's why.

I grab my phone.

I won't be disrespected like this. Who do they think they are?

Leo, why is there a dent in the wall?

Because of her.

Leo, why is there a dent in the wall?

Because…

Leo, why is there a dent in your head?

…

And sent.

She’ll regret ever having set foot in this flat.

It’s not my fault.

It’s not my fault.

It’s their fault.

***

I get home at 6am after a whole night of being on watch duty at the hospital.

The group chat is flooded with messages.

I scroll back as far as I can.

Khaliun asking Leo if she's free.

A picture of a wall with a dent in it.

Outraged messages, from everyone, the pseudonyms are all jumbled up, I don’t know who's talking but they're all calling me.

Ether, say something!

Ether, are you going to let her speak to me like that?!

Ether this, Ether that, choose a side, Ether, pick a side, Ether, say which of us is right, Ether, tear your fucking heart and head apart for us, Ether –

I’m tired. I'm so tired. As if my days weren't tiring enough. As if the patients weren’t feeling bad enough, now I have to manage my girlfriend who’s never satisfied and my other girlfriend who acts out on her own.

I can't deal with this.

Me : I can't deal with this anymore. Don't even try to text me until you both get over your shit.

I leave the group chat, press their profile pictures, block, block, throw my phone across my bed and shut my eyes.

Introducing them was a bad idea. But Leo had insisted.

I can almost see Nenia looking at me disapprovingly.

Well, you had it coming.

I guess it's my fault for thinking they could get along. My fault for thinking I could love the both of them without getting bitten in the ass.

My fault.

Always my fault.

[huedotmondotexe]

Neopets is great again this is one of my many sons

[hel-phoenyx]

"Damn, bro, you're covered in bite marks. Someone had a good night ? :D"

"No, I just have a very bitey nephew that wanted to train his techniques on me and of course his mother told him to go ahead."

":0"

"But I'm very curious on why you would think vampire-aligned toddler bite marks are somehow kinky, my friend. Do you think I know many people your size ? :)"

"..........MOTHERF-"

A probable discussion between Tyr and Domhildr (@soupedepates) a bit before their departure

[thal-ent]

Domhildr belongs to @soupedepates , Tyr belongs to @hel-phoenyx , Meili to @azeler and Kaizarz to @corneille-but-not-the-author (last three only mentionned)

It's so cold out here, especially for this time of the year. My knees are hurting, but I can't help but keep walking forward. I want to go home, but Domi looked so happy when she told me about this guy, I can't bother them. It's rare she has someone over more than once, so it's only natural I do this for her.

I should have put my braces on, before going out, but hey, that's a past Oli mistake ! I can survive, all I have to do is find a place to sit and I'll be able to continue some designs for my clients. They're always so nice, when I have to reschedule because of a pain flare up or me almost falling back into bad habits, the least I can do is a design that's not shaky because of the weather. There's a coffee here, and I sit on the first table I see. There's three people behind me, they're chatting about their relationship... Good for them. The girl is kinda cute, the boys are pretty on the eyes. Neither are my type, tho.

I sigh to myself. "My type" who am I kidding, as if I even know what it is. Tyr and Kaizarz both being giant muscle masses don't count, not if I dont know what the fuck they are to me. I order a chocolat viennois and wait, my hands a bit shaky. The trio is leaving, which makes less background noise for me, but I hope they're doing alright out here. I get my tablet out and open my app, doodling away before getting my drink. The waitress sees me and asks some questions, even shows her own tatoos. They're nice, references to games I never played or sentimental drawings. I tell her my own, from the ones on my hands and arms to the one I got on my back.

She's nice, and it's easy to forget the time with her. But her boss calls her, and she skidaddles aways after taking my instagram's name. I smile to myself and get back to work, my room temperature chocolate on the table.

It's easy, to work with noise around, especially when I can't make out the voices around me. They drown me in a comforting way, like when I immerge myself in a bath and can go back up whenever I want. It's not the beach when the waves crash on my legs and make them shake until I can't fight anymore. I wonder if the others would like this place, maybe it'd be an opportunity to talk for real with Meili. I miss seeing him. The true him.

I'm drawing a forget-me-not on a skull when I feel someone taping my shoulder. It's weird, if it was one of the others, they wouldn't-

Ah.

It's him.

And his clique.

I know the cold hatred that awakens in me when I see his guilty facade. Once it was fear. Then it was envy. Now, I can't even think before the rest of my chocolate is on his pompous, stupid ass dress shirt.

His friends look at me like I'm crazy.

I just smile, when the words get out.

"Oh, sorry. You surprised me."

There's something coming towards me.

Ah.

It's a fist.

***

"I told you, I'm fine !"

"Fine ?? The doctors said you got your nose almost broken !"

"Almost ! I promise Domhildr, the worst pain is that fucking ice pack."

"And don't you dare take it off." She's fuming, I can tell. I called her from the ER, after someone separated the idiots from me. She doesn't know what happened. "Will you at least-"

"I fell, you know how it is when I forget my stuff !"

She doesn't believe it, I know. But she knows I wont budge either, a perfect draw between us. I'm lucky the others aren't here, otherwise I may have cracked. But I rather they think I was a drug addict than the truth.

Dom just sighs and hugs me tight, like she does when I really upsets her. I'm sorry. I truly am. I squeeze back with all my weakness, and smile again when she hands me my tablet.

At least, nothing was broken today.

She asks what I want to eat, and I just let her do what she wants. I'm not hungry, but for her I'll try.

[thal-ent]

@soupedepates Domhildr

shoutout to girls who do not understand the difference between ‘the bit’ and ‘waging psychological warfare’

[heckingrising]

flight rising give me lair tabs come on it’s been 4 years

Main clan - needs new name

Pumpkin, Octavia, Zewl, Cocoa, Kanaya, Yogurt, Smaug, Alarm, Krum, Chalce, Helliex, Emerald, Django, Rhyolite, Snakesnake, Dogdog, Satiran, Relient, Abrastil, Gothique, Queenie, Young, Uriel, Kyou, Mythos, Paper, Clemont, Shivan, Prince, Baharak, Levi, Omega, Urian, Sheen, Zim, Sugilite, Sima, NERGAL, Ralolas, Dew, Dabi, Alwyn,

Grimdark Hollow

Aoba, Hayate, Evren, Marco, Nox, Lavender, Polo, Beau, Bee, Silo, Deh,  Domhildr, Bakura, Baudin, Yerwyth, Osani, Hati,  Riot, Saraid, Adalyn

Unnamed

Shade, Chromium, Based, Awol, Laa, Sae, Evalie, Skoll, Marik, Based, Ro,Abaderee,

Unaligned

Antipixel, Ren, Virdan, Zander, Njuta, Spirit, Godspeed, Grim

[corneille-but-not-the-author]

New Year's Eve part 5

This is the sequel of a story made with @hel-phoenyx and @soupedepates

She's asleep.

I made sure of that. Stayed with her all evening. Didn't even get back to my own appartment, didn't even change, I'm back to work.

It's 3 AM. Still, the lights are up. I know for a fact the commissar won't be here, that's a good thing.

I'm in so much trouble.

I stole her some cigarettes. I light one. Put it into my mouth. It smells good. It smells great. Fuck, it's been about three years since i've taken one.

Bad habits never die.

Let's sum it up. Fenrir, this man I knew was up to no good, used me to hurt Domhildr and her friend. As a token of petty vengeance, she has decided to out him to the entire function.

Fenrir will know. Sooner or later. What is pretty good is that nobody will ever talk shit in his face, or else they would have to fight Amandine, and this girl is stronger than half the police united.

What is bad is that he'll know anyway.

He'll blame me.

It will get to the commissar.

Maybe they'll even ask for an investigation. On Domhildr. Maybe they'll blame her instead of me.

Let's try to think calmly, as i get out of the car, and let out a sigh.

The badge work.

I get in.

Get to my desk.

There are a few notes. One of the commissar. "Tell your girl she's banned from this building unless she wants trouble". Didn't have to tell me boss.

I'll miss her her pastries.

No time to cry. I brush off the tears. Calm. Composed. Remember the training. Remember who you are.

There must be a way.

4 AM.

5 AM.

6 AM.

They start to come in droves. Still not slept. Got some messages. How can I change everything ? How can I save at the same time the girl I like and the man who hurt her ?

My eyelids are getting heavy.

Whenever I blink, another hour has passed.

8 AM. Amandine comes to my desk.

"Have you been here all night ?"

She does not joke. Amandine never jokes. She's as stern as a woman can be.

"I want to stop...destroying...everything..."

"Hold there, Sigismund, I am not your psychologist, nor your psychiatrist. Have you seen him lately ?"

Oh. Yeah. I was supposed to have a psychiatrist. Never got one. Lied to my colleagues, so that they did not worry.

I'm tired of lying.

"No."

I do sound like a child caught red handed. It's ridiculous.

"I'll talk to Fenrir. So that he knows he can come to me if he needs something."

"That's my problem, Amandine"

"Not since your friend decided otherwise, Sigismund."

Her eyes.

Cold as ice.

Just. Like. Father.

Calm down. Calm down.

Another cigarette.

"You smoke ?" she asks.

"It's been three years."

"You should stop."

"I know."

But the smoke is too good, it feels too great. It's a poison, but a poison i'll take.

"I don't want you to talk to Fenrir, i'll do it." i say with as much determination as I can.

"Why ?"

"Because it's my fault. I'll make amends. I'll...do anything he wants, take his files, his anger, I don't know why he doesn't like me, I don't care. I'll do what he wants."

"Are you talking about a colleague or a criminal ?"

There it is.

Burried in the panic, I finally feel it.

The anger.

I'm angry.

At Fenrir for provoking me.

At Domhildr for taking the bait.

At Amandine for staring at me with those cold ice eyes.

But what can I do ? Anger doesn't change the world. Justice does. And justice is punishment for the guilty. I am guilty. Of everything.

I don't want Domhildr to suffer.

I take my phone. Send a message.

Don't come back to the commissariat. Ever. Walpurgis is angry. I'll try to arrange things. Please, for once, be the only oen who believes in me.

I look at Amandine.

She has disppeared.

In her place, the grim smile of another man.

A man named Fenrir.

Well. Here we go, I guess.

[corneille-but-not-the-author]

New Year's Eve

This text is a sequel to : https://www.tumblr.com/soupedepates/769304596920352768/tyr-belongs-to-hel-phoenyx-leonova-belongs-to?source=share

***

It's always the same, really.

The same words. The same cold building. The same New year's Eve, with those cold faces.

My father asked me if I was alright. I answered yes.

No, I am not alright, father.

My mother asked if I had someone in my heart. I answered no.

Yes, I have two, and I don't know what to do.

They didn't ask about the rapt. They didn't ask if I wanted to cry.

I'm a growup. It shouldn't bother me.

I would rather return to work. But I can't. Not when the Mayor and the Priest looks at me like this.

I hate their gold. I hate their power. I hate how, so many years later, there is still no way I'm someone in their eyes.

Mother tries to smile.

She really tries.

But the link has been cut a long time ago.

---

A few hours later, I'm at my desk, sleepy as hell.

We stayed awake a few hours too early.

Their friends were just like them. Their daugther too. My memory is hazy. I think they want us to marry. I don't really care.

My plants are fairer than her.

So I come back to work. Sip a bit of coffee. Ask my colleagues if they had a good holiday. I was away for a week, a lot of them are not back yet.

One of them has a savage smile when I ask. I didn't catch his name, those few months ago, when the commissar presented him to us.

Not really that important.

"Sigismund ? Your girl is here."

Amandine has such a smug smile, when she wants to. It's not "my girl", but I understand why they think she is.

She's coming a lot to the function, for someone so afraid of cops.

So I stand up. Come and greet her. She has cookies, they're the most beautiful in the world. She has a smile and is wobbly, I'm worried for her.

"Hi Domhildr, I wasn't expecting you today. Did you have a good New Year's Eve?"

She smiles.

Such a beautiful smile.

How can someone expect me to marry a bland woman when I see this smile so often, now ?

She tells me of her adventures. I listen. She give me the cookies. I propose to share.

But I cannot shake the feeling I'm being observed.

When she leaves, I let out a smile. Amandine laughs at me, I tell her to be quiet. Someone is still looking at me.

But the impression leaves quickly. And I stop thinking about it. For the rest of the day, I can only think of Domhildr.

The way her smile light up her entire face. The way she seemed...well. She seemed at peace.

Something must have happened.

I'm happy for her.

Maybe she has finally met someone good.

Maybe it's her roommate ?

Someone who isn't me.

Because I'm duty-bound. And I don't deserve that.

I don't deserve those cookies.

I don't deserve anything.

...

...

Why am I crying ?

Someone is looking at me.

Little did I know, Fenrir was a name I should've remembered. As he was the man looking at me, this entire time.

But even though I had remembered his name, I would've never been able to predict what would ensue.

[corneille-but-not-the-author]

New Year's Eve part 24

I have difficulties thinking.

Her skin is so very soft.

Her lips feel like heavens.

What is going on?

I should stop. We should stop. But I can't... I can't talk.

But it feels good.

"Please. Domhildr. Please. Give me a minute."

Thank god she stopped.

My brain is full of desires I'm not sure I should let out. Not now. Not like this. Not with my brain still ruffled from the brick, all the things that happened, the... This... Body of mine.

Not like that. It's not who I am.

If I shall give myself to her I want it to BE myself.

She gives me a look.

God. She seems so... Sad.

"You... Don't want me?"

"Domhildr. I do want you. Please stop assuming everybody hates you or else it will be a sad excuse of a recurring joke."

She cracks a small smile.

"Why then?"

"Because... I do not feel... Good enough."

"What... Do you mean?" she asks, squinting her eyes.

I let out a sigh. Hug her tighter. She doesn't seem to mind, in fact, she seems to like it.

"I'm tired of seeing you hurt..." i finally say.

"Says the guy who got a brick in the head."

"Touché."

She gets out of my arms, look at me with a mix of love and... A little speck of anger.

"Already told you I don't like to be pitied upon." she lets out with a bit of this anger.

"I know. I know. It's... More of a me thing."

I feel my face reddenning.

"I have never done... This. I'm scared, Domhildr. It feels like it only ever hurt you, to do this. And I don't want to hurt you. And I... Don't want you... To hurt me. Because i do not know... What I can and want to do."

"So you're going to leave me frustrated?" she says, only half-jokingly.

I'm a bad person. I'm a bad...

"Take is as my bad girl side~"

I don't know how I came up with such a joke. But she starts to laugh. So much. Is she mocking me? Am I laughable? I guess so.

Just got mixed up in the pronouns and she laughs at me so hard and-

"Sigismund, you're not a bad girl. You're, on the contrary, quite the good girl."

The way her voice rings to my hears is a symphony. It's tingling my spine.

"So you accept to... Stop there?"

"Oh, of course!"

What is this devilish smile on her face? What is it with the way her fingers goes to her lips?

"But, dare I say, Sigismund, you surprised me. Quite a lot. I think I can find a way to... Awaken the bad girl in you."

Is this teasing?

Because it works.

It works really well.

You know, Domhildr, despite what you may think of yourself, you are quite smart when you want to.

[corneille-but-not-the-author]

I won

Who won ?

I sure didn't.

She was shooting with more accuracy and strength than I ever did.

She was glorious. Bathing in the sun, fighting a war she couldn't win, while i relied on my magic to help me.

I did a shot from five targets away. I did it without an inch of doubt, because i knew she could never pull it off.

And she did.

Gods, i have sinned.

I fell in love with a woman, worse, a fairy.

I've never seen someone so beautiful. So provocative. She tried to understand me in a direct way i was not used to. She was different, she was interesting, and I spied on her while she and her teammates were training.

Those muscles.

Those hairs.

The way she would bite her lip while looking intensely at Uncle Chiron.

When I asked sister what was love, she laughed at me.

When I asked Father, he reeled in anger, demanded to know who it was about. I tried to refuse. I tried to lie. But i couldn't lie anymore.

Such are the Fey pacts.

The truth is, I have the feeling i have loved her from before. Maybe, in another life ? It's a difficult feeling to explain.

I only know that I will never love someone as much as her.

She does not love me.

But that is normal, isn't it ? I'm just a stranger. A beast, in her eyes, just like strangers were beasts in mine only a few weeks ago.

She climbed to my window, like in a bad romance story.

She kissed me, and I kissed her.

She told me we would'nt meet again, and I agreed.

She asked me now was the moment where we should do anything I please.

I know what she meant by that.

But I kissed her forehead goodbye.

I knew if I had done more, i would be broken beyond repair.

I have won the archery contest.

She has won my heart. Forever and ever.

Who won ?

I sure didn't.

[corneille-but-not-the-author]

New Year's Eve part 17

I'm not used to...

This.

Dating.

Seeing each other regularly, even though work has resumed.

Spending the night in each other's arms.

Smiling when they do the stupidest thing ever.

Letting her cry when she has one of thos panick attacks.

It's strange.

Not bad. Strange.

She asked if we could go out. Said my beauty was not reserved to her. I felt nervous. Can I really get out dressed like this ?

Slut, shameful, what are you supposed to be ? All those words I hear at the function every day, what will I do when they target me ? I am not supposed to be like this.

It's not how the Lord made you, Mother would say.

It's not how a Warsowar should behave, Father would say.

We lost our lives for you. It's the only thing grandma says anymore.

But I accepted.

Because she was smiling and said nobody would recognize me.

Make-up. All the clothes possible to hide my lack of chest. A long, flowy dress to go with warmer temperatures. A lot of layers, to keep warm. Anything to hide the slightest amount of skin.

It took a lot of courage to go through the door.

What if a colleague saw me ?

I guess Amandine wouldn't be a problem, but the others ?

Domhildr told me everything would be alright.

Just a little walk.

I felt worse than naked. The shame, hard to bear. But we carried on.

Now, we're at a café. Domhildr is all giddy. I feel nauseous. Did i overdo it ? She looks like she doesn't see me.

She sees what she wants me to be.

But I'm not brave enough.

A few hours later, night is about to fall upon us.

A strange mixture of sounds and lights.

That's when I recognize him.

Father. In the middle of the street, waiting for the bus while talking with an old grandma. I hear her praise his work. He has a slight smile.

He's so close.

"Domhildr."

"Mh ?"

"We need to go."

"Why ? Is everything all right ?"

A few meters and he'll see me. And he'll hate me. And...

"Excuse me, young ladies ?"

He's here. With a tiny smile. Sarovar Warsowar, most influencial citizen in this city, it's mayor, my father.

We look quite similar, when I'm not like this.

He's not that tall. One hundred and sixty-five centimeters at most. But he is strong. Slender. His smile is one of his biggest assets, because it compliments his face, the way his fifty years old make him look like thirty. His long hair make him unusual to see, a shade of hazelnut, just like mine.

The worst are his eyes. Two blue piecing eyes that look like they are staring right in your soul.

I cannot escape.

"Yes ?" asks Domhildr.

I don't know if she understands who is in front of us.

I have never wanted to run more than that.

He's going to-

"I have lost my glasses around here. Would you wind lending me a hand in finding them ?"

His glasses.

He does not have his glasses.

An Sarovar Warsowar is almost blind.

"Of course !" Domhildr says.

One hour later, Domhildr gives back his glasses to my father, bolstering a pretty large smile.

We wave goodbye.

I have not spoken a word.

I'm paler than usual.

I need...

I need to drink a bit, i think.

"Domhildr ? Can we drink a bit at your place ?"

"Well, of course !" she says with the biggest smile.

"Thank you."

I like how my father is more frigthening to me than a kidnapping.

But, after all, I'm just a fucked up kid i guess.

[corneille-but-not-the-author]

New Year's Eve part 11

A lot of things happened. So let's start again. One last time.

Hanko is feeling better. They have started the judiciary procedures. I am not in charge of the file, Amandine is, and I trust her to take this into a court as soon as possible. What will result, I don't really know.

I confessed to Domhildr. It was easier than expected. But I did it. Now she carries me everywhere, while I dream of a little space for myself. It's not always bad, though. Yesterday, we went shopping, and I bought something.

Fenrir helped me. He was surprisingly....Unwell ? I don't know how to phrase it. But on patrol, he seemed like he resented me for good reasons, at least.

Well, there are only good reasons to resent me, except that I am my Father's son.

Am I my Father's son ?

Today, I received a visit, at my desk. Not Domhildr, surprising. No, it was a woman. She was named Iekaterina, and she was smiling at me. She had a plaint to fill.

She didn't stay for long. But there was something strange with her. I swear, I had already seen this woman before.

After that, me and the colleagues went to lunch. Someone sighed that they missed the cakes done by my girlfriend. Amandine sighed louder. I didn't try to deny it.

They were good. But now they're gone. That's an order.

Is Domhildr my girlfriend ?

Maybe ? Surely ?

After all this drama, I think I need a little more time for myself.

A lot of things changed. I'm still too fragile, psychologically speaking. The commissar was agreeing with me, he gave me a few days of leave. "So that you center your thoughts together".

Is it a good or bad thing ? I don't really know.

Oh, I'm going to a marriage. Domhildr's sister. A muslim marriage. How can I tell this to Mother without panicking her ?

There was a time they weren't like this.

But to each generation their burden, i guess.

What else ?

I'm going on patrols every thursday with Fenrir now.

February is nearly finished.

The tea is delicious.

Iekaterina le Patriote.

I think she was involved in the sect's case. A witness ?

I look at the file she filled. She didn't really need my help with this one, so why coming at my desk ?

Another mystery I won't search for too long.

For now, Fenrir is coming towards me. Saying we're going on our patrol, and after that, I can "enjoy your privileged leave".

I mean, he's not wrong. But I'm asking myself if he has had a near death experience in the last three months, and a multiple days-long with that.

Eh.

At least he's a tad bit more honest now.

Maybe we can be cordial. Without being friends.

I just want everything to be calm. For a little more longer.

Is that too much to ask ?

[corneille-but-not-the-author]

New Year's Eve part 8

The cake is good.

God she seems so unwell.

It feels good to be here.

But she doesn't feel good. At all. And now she looks at me like I'm some kind of wonder. In the middle of this parc, eating a cake, looking at people passing by.

...

It's poetic. In a way. Because poetry is as sad as it can be.

Just as this situation.

"Listen Domhildr I'm-"

"Don't you dare say you're sorry. None of this is your fault."

She's right.

I'm still as self-centered as someone can be, after all.

I guess Father is right. I'm still not an adult.

She breathes in, breathes out. Her hand extend to mine. Our fingers entertwine themselves. It feels good. So good the cold is not here anymore.

"Let's play a game, okay ?" she asks with one of the most precious smiles I have ever seen.

"What kind of game ?"

"I say something. You say something. And we...try to sort it out like this."

Childish yet mature. A perfect description of this woman, dare i say.

"Well," I answer, "go on then."

She reddens.

"I have a big heart, Sigismund. As big as my head is small. And...I think a lot of people can fit in."

I blink. So...she is not going to talk about Fenrir ? About the crying ? About her friend ? About how all of this is threatening the delicate balance I have tried to stabilize since I've came back from this.

"Your turn", she says with this smile.

I hesitate. Well. She's being since.

"I don't understand you. Or what you want from me. I don't understand why you go to such lengths. You despise the police, don't you ? Why try to visit me on New Year ? Why not stay with the people you love and that love you ?"

Why don't you hate me like the rest of us ?

"Your turn", I say while holding back something in my eyes.

She seems distressed. By my word, again ? But I am done trying to pamper everyone. She's someone strong. Stronger than me. If those words needs to be said, so be it.

"Because I know I love everyone. And nobody likes me back. That's normal. I should be....y'know...okay with that. But it's always the same."

You're wrong but the words won't come out of my mouth.

Do i like her ? Do I love her ? Of course.

But she does not deserve a wreck.

But at the same time...

"Your turn", she says with a frown.

"I love you."

She blinks. Looks at me.

"Your turn", I say while trembling.

"No, no, you can't let me like this man ! Hey, Sigi, what do you mean by-"

"The game, Domhildr. The game. Your turn."

She blinks again. Her grip on my fingers tighten. It feels good. Like a flame that would feed on me. But I'm okay. I need some warmth.

"I...I...oh fuck, shit, did not plan for this...what am I supposed to say ? Uh...I....I miss you."

A little tear get out of her eye.

I take out my handkerchief. The one Father gave me for Christmas. It was supposed to be part of a downry. Now it's used to clean the eyes of someone he would despise.

And I don't care.

"Y-Your turn." she says, trembling.

Breathe in. Breathe out.

"I'm scared. I hate my body. I hate how it feels. Every day. And I cannot fathom the idea someone wants to see that. What they did to me. What I did to myself."

The cake is good. The warmth is here. It feels...okay to talk. Just once. Let it go.

"Y-Your turn"

Am I crying ?

How long since I've cried ?

"I...am done. I am done being seen as vulnerable and helpless. By everyone....by myself."

She has a light smile. The tears are pouring from her eyes. I wipe them with the handkerchief.

"I want to be stronger. So that I can protect you. And you stop being afraid...each time I do a mistake. Because mistakes are part of life. And the fact I'm....doing a bit more...than everyone else...is my problem."

She sniffs loudly.

I have never seen someone so pathetic yet so beautiful.

I fear it's just how she is.

"Your turn." her voice is broken.

I don't know what else to say. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I laid my heart bare. I have never done that before. I don't know...What I can do. To help her.

"I want to know what I can do to help you."

She has a tiny smile. The tiniest smile I have ever seen her wear and yet, it's a smile so genuine.

"Stay there you big idiot. Just...stay there. For a bit."

She stops crying.

I do not.

Was her voice broken ?

I think it was mine.

We're in public. You're tarnishing your Father's name. I don't care. He's going to find out about it. I don't care. Your ancestors lived through tougher times. I don't care. You're weak. I don't care. Why can't you accept yourself ? I don't care.

I feel her warmth.

I feel her coddled against me.

It smells weird. Funny. I don't care.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"And I'm s-"

"Don't you dare say you're sorry, meathead. Or else I'm going to puch you so hard."

She's cute when she's angry.

[corneille-but-not-the-author]

Mirrors

Small.

Sad.

In dire need of an help I cannot provide.

Why are you all the same ? Why would you put me through this ?

You're the one who did this to themselves, you know that, right ?

That is true. Those big, sad eyes, from a small woman or a small blundle of scars, i called them upon me. I lunged to help, without thinking of the consequences. I though, maybe, a good deed would not go unrewarded, or something like that.

Now I'm stuck, staring at mirrors which will never reflect who I am, only who I was.

Oh my, just look at those eyes

They are

Beautiful

They are kind

They would not hurt a fly

She has a pink bike

He has bandages all accross the face

She asks for what I cannot provide

He cannot ask for what I give

Different, similars, reflections of the past

Would you love me if you knew ?

Would you still be my friend ?

Would you curse me, and my kin ?

Would you ?

I lived for validation

I helped her. She thanked me. It could've stopped there.

"Please don't go", she pleaded, and now she asks too much of me.

I helped him. He thanked me. It could've stopped there.

"Please go" I read in his eyes, and I couldn't let it go.

Tomorrow, I'll go back to work.

My colleagues will look at me and see a survivor.

They will thank me, share their feelings. Maybe they'll be empathetic, for a time.

Truth is, I'm still a prisoner.

I only feel free when it's about them.

And yet it also feels like I'm drowning.

I need them, but they need me.

...

Please don't touch me.

I'm dirty.

Please don't smile to me.

I'm not a victim.

Please stop laughing.

Everything is grim.

Please help me.

But you need someone strong.

Sigi Warsowar is not strong.

Sigismund is.

That's all that matters.

As long as Sigismund lives, those big eyes will not be sad anymore. Nor his, nor hers. They will smile, they will ask. All I need to do is accept. Accept. Accept. Accept.

Accept.

Accept.

Accept.

Accept.

...Who am I ?

Nobody asked. Please shut your mouth.

Only a mirror.

Look at me, look at me, look at me

Broken, sad, dirty mirror.

Tell me that you don't like what you see

I hate it.