#doing dry january and i honestly. do not miss it lol

[bigmeansweatydyke]

hey guys is part of being in your mid-20s coming to the realization that alcohol kinda sucks

[messy-does-cosmology]

OK so I've had some plans for my new year's resolutions this year and so far they are going well-ish. But I thought I would post some of my experiences here since I love reading about other people doing it!

This is mostly focused on goals to do with trying to get better from my serious depression, which has been haunting me since about summer 2022, when my childhood friend killed herself. Anyway um reminder not to do that. Your life touches so many people, you have no idea the number of people who love you and who would drop everything to help. Killing yourself may be easier than changing your life into one you want to live, but it is also much much worse.

In January I am doing yoga every day (following the YWA challenge, which I also did last year and continued on for several months after). So far, I haven't missed a day or even postponed a day. I can't promise that won't happen but so far so good! Honestly I'm a natural procrastinator, and at first the positions were just as hard and uncomfortable as they were when I first started, but now I massively look forward to it every day! I am extremely bad at doing it significantly before bed though, and I'm lucky that it doesn't seem to have affected my sleep goals much.

I'm also doing Dry January, which, ngl, is pretty easy for me. It's much harder for my partner, who enjoys alcohol a lot and has definite alcoholic tenancies. Dry January really tends to reset our drinking as a couple though, and get us to be more intentional with it for at least a few months afterwards. We're also going to do stoptober this year, and I think it will be great to have another "firebreak" in the year for drinking.

Me and my partner both got FitBits in November/December, and they have been really life changing in terms of the amount of exercise we do now, and our habits. My partner is also able to see the direct impact that drinking has on his health metrics (like HRV). I have learned that my HRV is absolute garbage, and idk why lol.

My final goal for January was to stick to a regular sleep schedule. This is going pretty well so far. For context, my usual sleep schedual was very unhelpful. I would go to bed at wildly varying times, same with waking up, I would sometimes only fall asleep at like 6am, I would sleep until 3pm regularly. It was miserable, and terrible for my mental health. I have only had two slip ups this month, one where I woke up at almost 1pm, and one where I went to sleep at around 2:50am or so (still so much better than before!!). Honestly this one has been the hardest, but having a fitbit to keep me accountable has really helped.

Another thing I have found extremely helpful this month is a supplement called L-glutamine. Because of my diet, my very very bad disordered diet, I basically get no nutrients anyway. I have tried taking supplements before, but they have never had this much of an impact! L-glutamine is just an amino acid which is fuel for your gut biome and helps you recover faster from exercise. It seems to have helped with so much more though! I am more awake, my hunger signals are more normal and less deathly painful, and my body feels much better able to cope with the increased exercise I'm getting (we moved house, so I am now either walking 40 mins or biking to work instead of the bus, so lots more exercise overall). Honestly couldn't reccomend enough. I would say if you get some though, get the powder version and not the capsules. In order to get an adequate dose per day, you need to take loads of capsules, around 15g of the powder. I mix the powder with fizzy drinks (I know) and just drink it. A little gritty at first, but I got used to it fast.

[dearest-bucky]

On top of me (One Shot)

Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: There was only one bed!!!! Is it summary enough?

Words: 1.9K

Warnings: my fave trope “bed sharing”, death by fluff!!!

A/n:  Two things I suck at: writing summaries but also titles. (Though I think I've gotten kind of better now lol)

Originally posted: June 13, 2020

She turned the knob of the door, opening it and entering the room first, Bucky following closely behind. She looked around the small space curiously as she slumped her duffel bag on the floor with a thump, eyes taking in what little furniture that occupied the place. A queen size bed in one corner of the room, only one nightstand on only one side of the bed. On the other corner a crappy looking couch and a small table by its side, with only one chair next to it.

The motel was the nearest they could get to with the biting cold of Germany in the middle of January and honestly after three long days raiding a supposedly empty Hydra base, neither of them had the strength to even complain about it.

Y/n was the first one to shrug the now sopping wet tactical suit off her shoulders, teeth clanking together, goosebumps covering her shivering skin. She moved quickly to get inside dry clothes and hurried to get to the bed, laying down under the covers and tucking herself in, the blankets reaching to her nose.

Bucky was looking at her until she got under the covers and only then he started to discard his wet gear too, changing into a pair of grey sweatpants and a hoodie. He looked around the place, eyeing the couch before moving towards the bed to pick up the other pillow and a blanket that was folded by the end of the bed.

Y/n picked her head up to look at him and furrowed her brows in confusion when he picked up the pillow from beside her head. "What are you doing Barnes?" She questioned him, confusion evident in her tone just as it was etched in her face.

"Going to sleep, apparently." His reply was short and the crease between Y/n's brows only deepened more.

"No you're not!" If Bucky wasn't bothered by her question before, now he was confused too, but that didn't last long because she spoke up again. "Come on Buck, this is one perfectly big enough bed for the both of us to sleep in and it's so cold. I'll probably freeze during the night without you here."

He thought for a second about her words before speaking. "Y/n, I can't sleep with you, you know I have nightmares and I don't want to hurt you and my metal arm it's just..."

At this point he was simply rambling, but Y/n stopped him before he could get too much carried away. "Nothing is gonna happen. Just get in and lay down." She moved up the covers on his side of the bed and patted the mattress once, urging him to comply. Reluctantly he did so, despite the too many worried thoughts running in his head.

He laid down on his back, eyes fixed to the ceiling and Y/n didn't miss a second before she shifted closer to him, practically clinging to his right side. Despite the temperature of the room being under zero degrees and the still cold sheets, she could feel the warmth radiating from his body, making him a living furnace and she could only sigh in relief as a wave of warmth hit her shivering body. But as she was beginning to relax more with each passing second, he was still as stiff as the moment he laid his head on the pillow next to her.

Now while their relationship had been strictly platonic, that hadn't stopped either of them to develop secret feelings for each other. Apart from being team mates, they've been close friends for more than a year, yet both were scared to take another step forward in their relationship. Y/n was scared Bucky wasn't ready for a romantic relationship while he was still healing from all the trauma Hydra had caused to him during the decades of his captivity and Bucky was scared he'd only hurt her if he got too close to her, not trusting Hydra, not trusting his own mind.

While thoughts were occupying their heads, their bodies had minds of their own. Slowly but surely Y/n shifted even closer to him if that was possible, resting her head in his shoulder, hiding her face in the crook of his neck, the cold tip of her nose tickling his skin. Bucky moved his arm under her body to wrap it around her shoulder and keep her there. Legs tangled together in a mess of limbs, trying to get as warm as possible. Y/n let out another contented sigh before she closed her eyes.

"Good night Buck." She mumbled into his skin and he couldn't help the slight upward curl of his lips at the feeling.

"Good night."

Y/n had fallen asleep soon after, warming up next to him and moving to turn her back to him now, changing her sleeping position ever so often. On the other side of the bed Bucky was still wide awake, too scared to even consider closing his eyes and falling asleep for fear of experiencing a nightmare or worse, hurting her in his sleep.

She was so warm and inviting next to him, almost luring him to surrender to the dreamland, her hair sprawled over the faint pink pillow case. Her back was facing him and he was almost tempted to wrap his arms around her and spoon her the entire night, but he decided against it. He was perfectly content to just lay down that close to her. He couldn't dare to touch her for fear of hurting her, despite him knowing that she wasn't that delicate.

He turned slightly to the side to look at the time on his phone, white numbers reading almost two am on the dark background. He sighed and turned on his back again, fixing his eyes on the white ceiling from which a light bulb was hanging, a small static flicker of light coming to life every five to ten seconds.

His eyes however got tired sooner than he expected and he couldn't fight the sleep anymore. With a silent sigh and even more silent movements he got up from the bed and picked up the pillow and the blanket that was still folded by the end of the bed, making a b-line for the couch. He placed the pillow by the armrest and laid down, throwing the blanket over his body and curling on his side in a fetal position, trying to fit in the too small for a super soldier couch.

It was by far one of the crappiest places he'd had to lay down in his entire life, but he figured anything would be better as long as Y/n was sleeping safe and sound. He couldn't trust himself yet when he was asleep and he knew better than to risk it all and her in the way just for a wish of his heart to cuddle her in the bed.

After some more adjusting he finally managed to fall asleep, too tired to even care about the state of the couch anymore.

Y/n woke up sometime during the night - she figured it was still night by the darkness in the room and outside the window - after turning in her sleep to cuddle next to Bucky again, but when she was met with an empty space she peeled one sleepy eye open. She moved to a sitting position, straining her eyes to look around the room for her partner. Before she could see him, she heard the sounds of a light snore come from the couch and she connected the dots quickly.

She huffed in annoyance; how dare he leave her alone in such a big, cold bed?

Waking up more and with a new determination in her head she rose up from the bed and with a few quick steps she walked to the spot Bucky was sleeping. He was deeply sleeping, light snores leaving his half opened mouth and Y/n couldn't help but stare at him through the darkness of the room. She couldn't help but have her heart melt at the sight, but she was still annoyed at him for fleeing the bed.

She picked up the blanket that was covering him and carefully slipped next to him in the small space between his body and the cushion of the couch, laying mostly on top of him, seeing how small the couch was. It was barely enough for one person, let alone two, but Y/n had made up her mind.

Covering both herself and Bucky with the blanket, she closed her eyes sighing into his neck. All the shuffling and the moving almost woke him up, but he was too deep in sleep and dreaming that his mind didn't even acknowledge what Y/n was doing as reality. But when her weight was on top of him and she snuggled more to him, he instinctively wrapped both his arms around her torso.

Slowly he stirred awake, almost startled to see that Y/n was really on top of him, that it hadn't been just one of his dreams. "Y/n, what are you doing here?" He asked, voice raspy from sleep.

She let out a small huff before picking up her head that was hidden in his chest and looked at his face. "You left me alone in the bed. What was I s'posed to do?" A small hint of sadness laced in her voice as she spoke.

He chuckled at her response, before speaking up again. "Go back to bed, this is not comfortable."

"I don't mind, I am comfortable enough on top of you." A smirk appeared on her lips, one that he didn't miss despite the dark room.

There was something in her eyes, a glint shining through the darkness that Bucky couldn't quite place and he couldn't help but ask again, this time for a different reason though. "What are you doing Y/n?"

She kept staring at him, eyes not leaving his face. She knew what he meant by that question. A million thoughts were running through her head, but she got rid of them all, deciding to throw all caution to the wind before leaning down and placing a small kiss on his lips. It didn't even last more than five short seconds, but it was enough for Bucky to take matters in his own hands, tightening his hold on her waist with his metal hand, while snaking the flash one behind her neck and bringing her lips down to his again, this time in a longer, deeper kiss.

His tongue traced along her bottom lip softly, before coaxing her to open up to him and grant him access to her mouth, which she gladly did. Lips and tongues moving expertly against each other, they kissed until the need to breathe became too much, being practically forced to part from each other, but neither moved too far as he kept her on top of him, his hands not allowing her to go far. The way they were looking at each other in the darkness, more meaningful and expressive than any spoken word.

She smiled sweetly at him, her kissed swollen lips curling upwards more and more with each passing second when she spoke. "Let's go back to bed, yeah?"

"Okay." He replied slowly. "But only if you keep laying on top of me."

[yayninjabob]

Update 1/20/21

It's been swell having my freedom again now that I'm covid-free.  I'm not going anywhere or anything.  But things like gardening in our backyard, taking my dog-kids Fable and Riot on walks, cuddling with my wifey on the sofa and watching netflix or whatever, and just being able to cook again for myself in the kitchen... I've missed all of it so much.  So much in fact that I've been slacking on editing more than I should, whoops.  SORRY, GUYS.

But I did finish up all my rewrites yesterday FINALLY so the new chapter is nearly done.  All that's left is another swoop of editing and maayyyybee swapping out this one scene I have for another that I originally had planned for 13 instead.  So give me a day or two to decide what feels best for the story while I start tinkering with 13 a bit.

So basically I'm stepping away from 12 today to work on the scene for 13.   Depending on what I decide to do with that scene, I might finish chapter 12 tomorrow night after work, or I might need another day after that.  But I don't think so.  I'm already like 90 percent sure on what I'll probably end up doing lol.   Just gotta write this up first to be sure and it will EASE my perfectionist mind.  Once that's done, then it's final editing and formatting stuff which takes me usually a day or two.

Alright that's just a really wordy way to say I will have CHAPTER 12 up this SUNDAY, JANUARY 24TH.  PROMISE GUYS.  

I feel so bad it's been so long since our last update that I'll share one scene with you guys from 12.  I mean, if you’re checking this blog you're probably looking for an update, right?  Well for now, I hope a little sneak peek will suffice until Sunday.

Personally, I think it's kind of a cool sneaky peeky because honestly it doesn't really give away much of the plot of the chapter and still leaves the suspense of where we last left off pretty much.  SO.  If you wanna read a little bit of 12, here's scene #3 for you guys early.  If you want to avoid it and remain pure, I’ll see you Sunday I guess lol.

Uh... heads up, it's got some gore lol.  A creepy little horror comedy scene, really.  One of my personal faves of the chapter, too.  PLEASE ENJOY.

SNEAK PEEK:  Chapter 12, Scene 3 under the cut....

scene 3

The green Powerpuff lay in the dark unable to sleep.  Even though the teenager had turned out the light hours ago, there was no stopping the never ending loop of the night which still replayed over and over within the young hero's mind.  Buttercup had done nothing but tossing and turning in an attempt to try and find rest that night, and had managed to kick away all of the bedding and sheets.  Laying upon a bare mattress and still hopelessly waiting for sleep with eyes shut tight, there was a sudden faint knocking sound heard coming from within the bedroom.

Buttercup sat up in bed with a jolt the moment the sounds began in the dark.   Immediately the Puff's emerald eyes fell on the door to the bedroom closet.  The door to the closet was shut, but the noise was definitely coming from behind it.  Buttercup watched the door intently, while silently and cautiously moving towards it.  With super hearing activated, the Puff listened to the sound of something rustling about inside, and as the young hero crept closer and closer, there was a rotten, burning stench in the air.  Buttercup reached for the closet door's handle and opened it.

"Where is it?  Dude, it's gotta be somewhere around here!"

Buttercup blinked at the blood soaked kid for a moment before a look of annoyance came next.  The sixteen-year-old Puff watched as the thirteen-year-old apparition  dug around the heap of dirty laundry that littered the closet floor.  The kid had her back turned as she knelt upon both knees over the large pile of laundry and searched frantically for something.   Buttercup groaned, still holding the closet door open, "Oh no....  What are you doing here?  Dude, really, I'm just trying to get some sleep tonight and you showing up now just isn't-"

"Where is it?!" the kid jumped onto their sandy wet sneakers and began to search the shelfing within the closet, "Where the fuck is it?!"  As the thirteen-year-old removed an old snowglobe from the shelf and tossed it carelessly over her shoulder, Buttercup caught it and glared at her.

"Where's what?!" Buttercup snapped at herself.

The kid stopped suddenly and slowly glanced over her shoulder with her ghostly, opaque white right eye.  "Where's the mask?"

"Oh," Buttercup's angry expression softened.  "...It's... gone...."

"...Oh...."

"...Yeah...."

As Buttercup reached over her to return the snowglobe to its spot on the shelf, the kid turned round to face them.  "Can't you get it back somehow?"

The green Puff sighed deeply and floated slowly back over to the bed, "Nah, Dude..." Buttercup reclined upon the bare mattress again, "I think... I think that shit's over now....  I mean, shit's getting pretty serious now that Mojo knows about us.  I'm hoping it all works out tomorrow, and he's really not gonna make me do something fucked up in return for his silence, but... even if he does keep his word..." Buttercup shut both eyes and yawned, "It's just gettin' way too risky, Dude...."

"Huh..." the kid stood at the teenager's bedside, "I thought we were just startin' to have some real fun...."

Buttercup's eyes remained shut, hoping the illusion would go away soon.  "It was fun while it lasted...."

"Sucks, Man....  Say, you got anything I can eat?  I'm fucking starving, Dude-"

"Dude," Buttercup interrupted with annoyance, "Why are you here?"  The green Puff sat up in bed once more and looked towards the kid and saw that she had made her way across the bedroom.  The blood soaked child stood in front of Buttercup's dresser, staring at the pair of birds that sat within their cage.  Her back was towards Buttercup, but Buttercup could see that the kid suddenly gripped something shiny in her right glowing green, acid burnt hand.

"Same reason I always drop by," the kid answered with her back still turned.  The apparition turned her head slightly, and even in the dark Buttercup could make out the devious glint of a small, sly smile as she still gripped whatever was in her hand.  "I'm here to help you out, you know... since you got nobody else, right?"

Buttercup continued to stare at the kid, but chose to remain silent.  The green Puff watched as the illusion returned her attention to the birdcage, and with her left, seared bloody hand, she reached for the cage's small door and opened it.  Both Snot and Pus instantly tried to dart away from the sizzling glowing green acid drenched palm that reached for them, but the kid easily managed to yank the fluttering green bird from the cage.  Buttercup's eyes widened in shock as she watched the kid cut into the squirming, live bird with a shard of glass, slicing the helpless creature straight down the middle.  His yellow companion fluttered about within the closed cage behind them, squawking loudly as the kid raised the green bird to her lips and began to slurp loudly.

All the green Puff could do was look on in stunned silence as the kid continued to suck the blood from the slowly dying bird.   As many times as the green Puff had received a "visit" from their former, "dead" self, this sort of thing... was definitely new.  As Buttercup continued to watch, the green Puff tried to keep in mind that what was being witnessed... could definitely not be happening.

The kid used her tattered black jacket's sleeve to wipe away the fresh blood-stache from her face, before turning to Buttercup.  "Did ya want the other one?"

The green Puff shook their head.

"Suit yourself," the kid shrugged and tossed the dead green bird over her shoulder, before she repeated the same act with the yellow bird next.  

Buttercup still could not look away.  "Dude... what the actual fuck...?" Eventually, the Puff's green eyes drifted slowly back to wear the discarded dead green bird's drained body lay on the floor of the room.   There was a gust of wind and Buttercup watched as the wooden floorboards of the bedroom and the dead bird began to blow away like strange particles of sand.  The green Puff rose from the bed mattress as it next faded away into the dark atmosphere around them.  "Ah, shit, no wonder..." Buttercup laughed a little nervously, "I'm dreaming...."

"We're dreaming," the kid added as she stood beside herself with a grin.

The green Puff glared briefly for a moment at the unwelcomed tag-along before looking around once more.  The once empty black void that was the adolescent's default dreamscape had changed as of late.  It was still a mostly desolate land, but no longer shrouded in total darkness.  Now, the sky shook with thick, dark and thunderous clouds which boomed with a growing, green electricity inside them.  The fiery green light that crackled within the black storm clouds illuminated the land with an eerie green glow.  The earth was cracked and dry and as the storm ahead continued to boom above, the windy weather of the vast wasteland kicked up the sandy dirt around them.

"Well, whaddya  know?  Ya changed up the place, huh?  I like it!" the kid grinned as she cupped one bloody beaten hand over her brow and looked about the dreamscape.  The thirteen-year-old turned back around and saw that she had been left behind as the green Puff continued to float on ahead without her.  "Yo! Wait up!"

The green Puff carried on without stopping, moving towards a large, distant shadow in the east.  After several minutes, the kid managed to catch up, loudly wheezing and gasping for air as she tried to catch her breath beside the casual floating Powerpuff.

"Dude! I told ya to wait up!" she socked Buttercup on the shoulder with a bloody, bruised fist, "I don't have my ghost powers in this dream world!"

"What sorta sense does that make?"

"I dunno!" the kid threw up her hands, "You tell me!"  the kid paused to cough a little, splattering the dirt with blood.  She wiped at her mouth with her tattered sleeve, as she walked quickly beside the Powerpuff, "Here, I'm just like you were when Goody-Goody left ya behind on that island!   Weak and human-y and useless and burning alive!  You remember?"

The green Puff glared at the kid for a moment before muttering, "Yeah.  I remember."

"So, where we goin' anyway?"

As the two approached a tall arched golden gateway, the green Puff stopped and turned towards the kid.  "No way.  You ain't comin' with me, alright?  Why don't you run off somewhere else, and I dunno... play."

"Why?" the blood-soaked kid strained her eyes as she tried to peer through the thick golden bars of the gate. Besides only having one functioning eye, there was a dense mist in the air that made it difficult to see. "Where are we- Oh-" she stopped as her vision focused on a short redhead walking her pet Pomeranian through the garden.  "Her?" the kid laughed a little, "Dude.  What do you see in her, anyway?   Like... do you like gettin' bossed around, or is it the big boobs, or-"

"Shut up," the green Puff rattled the gate a little to get the kid's attention once more, "Look," the skinny teen's scarred hands grasped the kid by her hooded jacket and spun her to her left, "Go that way, alright?  You'll find Ace's place and have a good time."

"OK, cool!" the kid thankfully agreed, "Which building is it?  That one or that one?"

"What are you talkin' about?  There's only one other build-" the green Puff stopped mid sentence, noticing for the first time a tall silhouette in the distance.

The thirteen-year-old watched as the green Puff shot off for the tall structure with a flash of green light.  "Shit!" she started to chase after on foot, "Wait up!"

As soon as the structure came clearer into focus, the flying teen halted mid-air, "The water tower...?"

For a while, the green Puff remained suspended in the sky, watching the tower intently from afar.  As far as the hero could tell, there were no signs of anyone there, but the scene still felt too ominous.  It was several minutes before the teenager worked up enough courage to continue forward.

Touching down on the metal landing of the water tower, the structure was so high up in the eerie green atmosphere that the darkened mist was especially thick and overpowering even for superpowered vision.  The green Puff gulped nervously, walking cautiously around the platform, tense and ready for anything.  Both green eyes glowed as they searched around the labyrinth of the thick metal beams that supported the tower's massive water tank.   As the teenager reached the railing on the other side, far below could be heard the desperate wheezing and coughing of a struggling thirteen-year-old attempting to climb the tower's ladder.

"Oh, Man!" the kid shouted from below, "I don't think I'm gonna make it!  Dude... a little help?!"

The teenager sighed before zipping downward to retrieve the kid from halfway down the ladder.  The green Puff carried her back up to the metal landing and set her on her feet, but the kid instantly collapsed onto the floor, panting heavily from exhaustion.  

"You know..." the wheezing thirteen-year-old spoke between hard breaths, "That's hard enough... without powers... but climbing really sucks... when your hands... practically have no skin..." she sat up and coughed as she struggled to climb back onto her feet.  The kid stood silent for a while as she watched the green Puff continue to intently search around every metal beam of the platform.  "So what's up?" the kid finally asked after a while.  "What're you lookin' for?"

The green Puff came to the center of the landing, and turned to look back at the kid, wearing a somewhat disappointed frown.  "Nothin', I guess."

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #292

“dear god, let’s make this fucking clear: dear god, there’s nothing that i fear”

What internet browser do you use? Chrome. What brand water do you drink? (Smart Water, Dasani, etc) Mom just grabs the Great Value jugs. Do you have a job? No. Are you full-time or part-time? N/A Are you watching TV right now? No. Or are you listening to music? Yeah, "Mr. Crowley" by Ozzy. Such a great song. Would you go to jail for 3 years for $1,000,000? No. I would NOT survive in jail. When's your birthday? February 5th. I cannot fucking believe I'm almost 25. Thoughts on kids? Too impressionable for me. Even with my niece and nephew, I feel like every single word I say just like... stamps into their brains, and what if I say something that negatively affects them? I feel like it's my responsibility as an aunt to be a fountain of wisdom when I'm definitely not. I just get nervous around kids. Worst punishment you've ever received by your parents? I wouldn't call it a "punishment," but when I skinned the everliving fuck out of my knees and Mom was patching me up while I was just sobbing away, my dad literally roared "SHUT UP!" from my parents' bedroom, and it's stuck with me forever. Honestly, I think it may be a root in my extreme fear of men yelling. Worst punishment from Mom, probably this time where she smacked the shit outta my arm as a kid and left a clear handprint for a while. Are you the type who is completely against abortion? Why? No, I am firmly pro-choice, despite being pro-life most of my life. I don't feel like writing a moral essay, but basically, I absolutely cannot agree with forcing a woman to carry a human they don't want for whatever reason for nine fucking months, endure one of the most traumatically painful things known to man, and then properly and adequately care for that child. That is such a huge fucking responsibility that should be forced upon *nobody*. "But adoption!" Yeah, go tell that to the thousands of children waiting on you. This is leaning on exactly what I said I wouldn't do, so moving along. Have you ever read a book that actually changed your outlook on life? "I’ve read some books that were phenomenal, but I wouldn’t necessarily go so far as to say that they 'changed my outlook on life'." <<<< This was Johnny Got His Gun for me. Does your favorite flower hold any meaning to you? No. What would you do if your favorite animal became endangered? I would fucking freak. Have you ever owned an expensive eyeshadow palette? No, but I honestly do want at least one, primarily with a deep black and then some nice grays and neutral colors. Do you own a tripod for your camera? Yes. Are your nails always painted? Quite the opposite. What's one thing you've had a toxic reaction to? A breakup. Which holiday is your favorite to decorate for? I honestly don't really decorate because I just don't have the motivation, but Halloween is the best. Were you popular in school? Nope. Are there any foods that often give you heartburn or indigestion? BANANAS, dark sodas (like Coke or Dr. Pepper), peanut butter can... It's hard for me to tell much now because I have chronic heartburn and am medicated for it. Works great, so I don't experience this much. Is there something you intend to buy in the near future? Yes. Once my tattoo is done (I'm setting the appointment the next time we leave the house, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH), what I have left is going towards Venus' new terrarium. She really needs a 40 gallon. Is anyone in your family artistically talented? What about musically? I was the art kid, and family still insist I should be an artist. What cute behaviors or characteristics does/do your pet(s) have? Omg, Roman has so many. He nuzzles me all the time, will collapse into my hand to pet him, he insists on being the little spoon at bedtime (no, really), he literally tries to groom me with his teeth, licks my face... He is just a doll. My little buddy for sure. Now onto Venus. She loves to chill next to me in bed or find a cozy place under the covers, and omgggg does she love to slither around the bed doing the periscope thing. So curious. What's the screensaver on your computer? I don't have one. What’s the sexiest thing about a guy? I am WEAK for nice shoulderblades/muscular shoulders ok. What’s the sexiest thing about a girl? I am an ass bitch and I will not hesitate to admit it ayyyyyeeeee. Who were you with at midnight on January 1, 2021? Nobody. Who was the last person to send you a message on social media? My sister Misty. She's planning to surprise Mom (her stepmom, anyway) by showing up in a few weeks with her fiance and all her kids she's never met but desperately wants to. My mom is the only "real mom" she's ever had, and she just feels so bad that she has a by now teenage daughter (among three other younger ones) that has never met her "grandmother." It's just an expensive and long trip, but Misty's finally called it enough and is just driving down here with everyone. Mom is going to fucking sob. ^ What qualities does this person have, that you appreciate? Nice timing for this, since her fiercely anti-mask bullshit is all I can focus on about her lately... but there are good things about her. She truly is a very loving, passionate woman that, just like me, feels deeply and expresses it. What was the last thing that caused you to scowl, or frown? Does grimacing count from a sudden bodily pain? Have you smiled at any point during the last hour? Yeah. I'm watching the VOD of Arin Hanson playing Kingdom Hearts 2 for charity, and he went on a total fucking laughing fit. His laugh is so precious, so I just couldn't stop grinning. What was the last thing you consulted Google for? Ensuring "grimace" was the right word for my former expression, even though I was pretty positive it was correct... I don't know if anyone's noticed, but my English skills are degrading, particularly in spelling. It's concerning me. I was an English whiz my whole life up to now. My only guess is it's related to how godawful my memory is also declining. So, did anyone send you a "Happy New Year" message when midnight hit? No. When was the last time you were on a carousel? Probably not since I was a teenager being goofy with Jason or somebody. What is the closest you have ever been to an elephant? I have a picture on my dA of a beautiful elephant walking RIGHT by its fence at the zoo. It was pretty amazing, considering just how incredibly immense their enclosure is. Have you ever played Halo? No, it's not my kinda game. Have you ever read a National Geographic magazine? Oh, I'm positive I've read sections while in waiting rooms of various places. When was the last time you had a pillow fight? I have no idea. Realistically it was probably w/ Jason since that sounds like some cute playfighting thing we'd do, but I don't remember a particular instance. Name somebody who you think deserves more respect: "Retail works. The horror stories my mom has on the daily is absolutely ridiculous. People can be so incredibly rude." <<<< I absolutely agree with this; what friends and strangers alike rant about is just depressing. Nobody, especially those working through a goddamn pandemic that's killing thousands, deserves the disrespect that comes their way. Have some goddamn decency and know half the issues you bring up to retail workers isn't even their damn fault. Ohhhh, I could rant about this. In your own words, define what the word sexy means. So you mean like, what I think is considered sexy, not just the general definition? If that's the case, uhhh. Self-confidence (but absolutely not arrogance) is very attractive to me as a bitch who lacks it entirely, as well as good manners, being outgoing, and just... charm. I don't quite know how to describe that "charm" other than I'm really drawn to people who are unique and happy with it and just seem to have an aura about them that feels good to be in. What is the most popular tourist attraction where you live? I'm going to look at this question as if you're asking about my state and not general location because 1.) there ain't shit here and 2.) I'd prefer to keep relatively where I live quiet on the Internet. Looked it up and apparently NC's biggest tourist bait is the Biltmore Estate. Never been there myself, but it'd be pretty dope. Without looking - do you know what brand your underwear is? I'm in my own home and pjs, who the fuck wears underwear with that criteria lmao. Are you any good at volleyball? NOOOOOOOOO. I went to a volleyball camp thing once when I was younger and that shit hurts the hell outta your hands. I didn't stay long. Have you ever had a water balloon fight? Why of course. Do you think some babies are ugly? Quite honestly, probably most, especially newborns. Don’t you miss Chuck E. Cheese? I do; going there was one of the most exciting possible things to me as a kiddo. Do you think Fall Out Boy is gonna be a classic band, like Queen or AC/DC? Possibly. I mean they sure are pretty successful and well-known. Do you love stuff-crusted pizza? Eh, it's not my preference, but I'll eat it. Do you apply lotion after you bathe? No, but I really should, given how dry my skin is. What’s your favorite color? Pastel pink. Who did you have your most amazing kiss with? I'd like to not think about this. Has a YouTube video of yours ever gotten over 10,000 views? Lol definitely not. I think at least one on my older channel hit 1k somehow???? It was a birthday gift I made for someone. Would you ever get a tattoo on your collar bone? lol I already have one there. At some point I'm getting it covered, though. Do you like Robert Frost poems? I do! Do you go to church every Sunday? I never do. Have you ever been in a relationship on-and-off for more than a year? No, I don't play that game. You want me or you don't, so I'm not wasting my time on your uncertainty or just our lack of stability for whatever reason. If you had to get famous for one of the following, which would you choose: music, acting, writing, modeling? Absolutely writing. What do you think of girls with huge boobs that don’t wear bras in public? ?????????????????? i don't?????????????? care???????????????? they're not my tits??????????????? What is the last thing you tried on in a store? I don't know. I avoid trying shit on like the plague. And then it ends up being too big/small. I wonder why. Is sleeping naked more comfortable than in clothes? I've only ever fallen asleep naked once, and accidentally at that, so I really don't remember how I felt about it? Consciously though, I would feel very, very vulnerable so don't have plans to when I have my own place. Have you ever had a dream in which you were making out, or more, with someone? HAHAHA Y'AAAAAALLLLLLL THIS WAS DEADASS THE ONLY LUCID DREAM I'VE EVER HAD LMAOOOOO Do you feel as though you have a good memory, or are you forgetful at times? Do you feel that your short-term memory or long-term memory is better? My short-term memory is absolutely atrocious, like to the point it seriously affects my ability to get shit done. You can give me something that needs to be done and I will forget in a heartbeat. Now, my long-term memory is astonishing. I can remember many things from my childhood in incredible detail. Have you ever had a concussion or some other sort of brain injury before? Did you need to have surgery for it? I've had a concussion or two. I can't remember which. I didn't need surgery. Do you have any sort of mental illnesses or disorders? What do they involve? Yeah: chronic depression, crippling social anxiety, generalized anxiety, avoidant personality disorder (AvPD), obsessive compulsive disorder, PTSD, bipolar II, and I think that's it. My head's a mess and a half. What’s the longest that your hair has ever been? How about the shortest? When is the last time that you got it cut? About to the small of my back; how it is now, which is pretty much shaved on the left and fades to near my chin on the right. I actually got it cut last month; we've gone to a family friend for years whose shop is just an extra building by her house and very rarely has more than two clients in it. We had masks on, of course. At what age did you start getting gray hairs, if you happen to have any? I don't have any. Somehow, given my stress level at all times, haha. What are some ways that you style your hair? Do you use any sorts of products in it? It's too short to style. I don't use any products in it but obviously shampoo. Who was the last person to truly get on your nerves? What do you think caused you to feel that way? Probably my mom. I think she was in a rotten mood for one reason or another and just being snappy and generally rude. Do you recycle? Is this through choice or do you live somewhere where it’s compulsory? We do; it's by choice, and it'd be immensely ignorant not to where we live considering it literally gets picked up with the other garbage. Do you prefer plain, carbonated, or flavored water? Do you think you drink enough water throughout the day? I've never tried carbonated water, and flavored water rarely works for me due to artificial sweeteners giving me beastly headaches. So I'll just take really cold, filtered water. Have you ever needed to call the police, ambulance, or fire department? I had to call the ambulance for my mom right before her cancer was discovered because she was literally immobile and in ungodly pain. When was the last time you visited the library? What was the purpose of your visit? At my old college, as the newspaper photographer, I took some artsy pics up there. I will probably forever worry that leaving school resulted in the biggest career opportunity slipping through my fingers through that newspaper. Do you see a lot of wild animals where you live? Are any of them dangerous? I guess about the normal amount you'd see in the country. Some dangerous animals live here, sure, that's probably everywhere, but you very rarely see any. Aside from when you were born, have you ever had to stay the night in the hospital? For suicidal thoughts and one attempt, yes. Have you ever experienced a panic attack? Ahhhh, do I know those well. Thankfully, it's been a long time since I had an all-out panic attack. Would you ever want to go into the medical profession? Was your answer different pre-COVID? Nope. Well, besides being a vet, which I haven't wanted to be since I was a kid. Where you live, are people paying attention to whatever restrictions are in place to help control COVID? Many? No. Because it's apparently a fuckin hoax or not as bad as the government wants us to think. Fucking cretins. Do you get a real or artificial Christmas tree? Artificial. Real ones aren't worth the money nor mess. What’s your favourite type/flavor of popcorn? Caramel corn. Do you drink oat milk? No, but I'm interested in at least trying it. The dairy industry is absolutely repulsive if you look into it, and I'd love to do what I can to take as little part in it as possible... even though I am a dairy fiend. I seriously wish I could go vegan, I am just WAY too picky for it. Do you love thrifting? Oh fuck yes. I've been very few times in my life, but I'mm all about it. Do you consider using only lowercase letters your aesthetic? I do find it visually appealing; I like the flow of similar letter height. I never do it for "serious" things, but on places where it's "for the aesthetic," it's likely that's how I'll write something. Do you say “mood?” Way too much lmao. Do you own fairy lights? No, though I would like them if it wouldn't look stupid in my room. Do you own glass straws because the metal ones kind of gross you out because you can’t tell if they are clean or not? ... I didn't know glass straws were a thing. I have a handful of metal ones though, but I always forget I have one in my purse when I go out... Have you made a TikTok? No. Do you own airpods? No. Are you afraid of Mercury in retrograde? I don't believe in a planet's position or whatever having any effect on people. Do you make life choices based on astrology? Definitely not, considering I don't believe in it to begin with. How many pairs of converse shoes do you own? Maybe like, five? Number of jeans in your closet: Zero. What accent do you have? Not really any, but sometimes I sound kinda southern with specific words. Do you have a big butt? Yo I got a Hank Hill ass, so no. Do you count how long you and your gf/bf have been together? In my past relationships, yes, I assigned our anniversary to memory. I don't really... know why, like it doesn't really matter how long you've been together, I just do. Have you graduated? From HS, yes. I dropped out of college three times lmao. Rihanna or Lady GaGa? Ohhh, not sure. Maybe GaGa, but both ladies have songs I love. "Disturbia" doess beat all of her songs, tho. The fuckin BEAT. Do you use fake eyelashes? Never tried 'em. Which was the last book that really captivated you? The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. What makeup brands do you use? I'm not loyal to any, really. I would be if I could afford expensive shit, but yeah, that ain't my life.

[featherxquill]

Fics Wot I Wrote in 2019 (and the 2010s in general!)

So it’s the end of a decade, and I wrote some fic this year! I am going to do the usual list, but I thought I might modify the end-of-year meme into an end-of-decade meme, and have a bit of a look back at the fandoms I’ve written in and the fics I wrote throughout the 2010s, because it’s certainly been a more diverse decade than the last!

So, here is the list of Stuff From This Year:

January 28: The Witch of South Kensington - The Infinite Bad - G - Cornelia and Sebastian and a weird, well, infinitely bad sort of domesticity

April 7: to beckon me in languages i’ve never learned - James Bond - Bond/M - E - M decides what bendings of her will she’s willing to forgive

October 18: If Not Me - Arc of a Scythe - Curie/Faraday - T - Faraday fishes Curie out of the water, and they make the long road-trip back to Conclave together

It’s been a bit of a transition year for me, but look! I have been writing! And there’s one more fic I have completed this year but not yet posted, and it’s a long bastard, so I am quite happy with myself.

And here is the little meme thing, though I’ve modified it a bit to reflect on the decade, because I thought that might be fun.

Fandoms I have written in during the 2010s: Harry Potter, Sanctuary, Scott & Bailey, The Infinite Bad, James Bond, Arc of a Scythe. There are few other things I wrote for Yuletides past, too, but I wouldn’t specifically call that participation in those fandoms, so I’ve left them off.

First fic of the decade: An Interesting and Difficut Woman (HP, Muriel/Ollivander, E)

Last fic of the decade: If Not Me (linked above) or, really, the unpublished monster-fic that is now awaiting beta

Longest fic of the decade: One Time Thing (S&B, Gill/Julie, E). This is my longest fic of all-time, actually, and will remain so even when I publish my new thing. 50K. How did I even. I had a full-time job in 2015, though I do remember starting it before that job happened.

Shortest fic of the decade: Was a Yuletide treat drabble thing about Robot Unicorn Attack, but I’m going to go with a thing I am actually still pretty proud of, Burning, which is 173 words of slightly dark Albus/Minerva, that it turns out I’m glad I posted to ao3, because the LJ comm it was originally written in a comment on has now been deleted and purged.

Something I learned while writing in the 2010s: That I am capable of moving on to new fandoms, though probably not being truly multi-fandom. I have learned that I am serially monogamous, fannishly. Apart from Yuletides past, which have always been a bit of a holiday deviation, I rarely go back to back to writing in a fandom once a new one takes hold of me, something that sometimes makes me sad, but the muse wants what it wants, I guess. I think I move on when I am ready to. I started the decade still firmly in HP, where I had been since roughly 2003, and by now I have cycled through several new interests, which can be happy or melancoly depending on the way I look at it (I am generally not sad to move on to new ideas, but I am sometimes sad that moving to new fandoms sometimes means losing touch with friends from old ones).

Something I’m surprised about when I look back at my fic over the decade: That I can look back at my first fic of the decade, and really most things I have written in the past ten years, and still be damn proud of them. I think part of it is age and maturity, but an even larger part of it is that in about 2008 I started regularly using a BETA, and ever since, I can look back at the things I have written and be proud rather than cringing. Seriously, a good beta is worth her weight in gold, and I have known a few. Hold onto your betas, peeps, and if you don’t have one, GET ONE. Your future self will thank you.

Something that I miss: The comment culture of LJ, and the general tight-knit-ness of my little corner of fandom there. Fandom is now definitely a diaspora, and I have made many wonderful connections in the years since I moved to tumblr/twitter, but god do I miss the comment culture of things like LJ fic exchanges in particular. That might also in part be me missing being a part of a fandom that was LARGE even within its niches. But the muse wants what it wants, lol.

Something that makes me happy: The friends that I have made in my fandoms of the decade - shit, I mean, @incandescent-justice and @girlonabridge and @aubrys and @little-brisk all became proper Real Life Friends of mine when I lived on their continent, and @picardcrusher and @sapphoshands and @moocowmoocow thanks for also screaming about lady detectives with me. And I am so, so pleased that being into Sanctuary helped me meet @troiings and audio drama fandom put me in touch with @lothiriel84 and @mifhortunach and just. yeah. There are probably more people I’m going to feel bad about forgetting but like, FADOM FAMS it means so much to me!

Strongest memories of writing from the decade: Writing ‘Scenes From a Very Special Friendship’ in a notebook in 2011 while on holiday attending DiaCon Alley in the UK, teasing it to the person I was writing it for and talking about it with @kiwi-collideoscope. Writing ‘A Sexual Awakening in Five Acts’ in the breaks at my retail job, sometimes skiving and taking hella long breaks on the steps outside the store and sometimes writing smut in the breakroom while trying to keep a straight face - I think that was the first fic I really wrote large chunks of on my phone, a practise that I have continued, and continues to make me happy. Writing a scene of ‘Be Here, By Me’ in which Julie Dodson smokes a cigarette with the sun on her face while doing exactly the same thing myself. Sitting in the restauarant/bar of my hotel in Berlin with my evening cup of tea (because German hotels don’t have a kettle in the room? idek) writing ‘Warrirors’, which was my first Infinite Bad fic, and the first fic I had written in two years. Starting to write ‘Tethers’ in the taxi in Manila on my way to the airport after my stopover on my way home to Sydney in 2018.

Something I wish I’d written: I wish I’d been able to get on the Berena train, fanfic-wise, but it was such a wild explosion that I couldn’t keep up with it, and the fact that canon never stopped really threw me, too. I really wish I’d managed to write that fucking Yuletide assignment in 2016, though, because none of the NYR prompts have grabbed me since.

Where I think the 2020s will take me: i honestly have no idea, but it might be fun to speculate for the future. Into new fandoms, I think is a safe bet - probably fandoms with Awesome Ladies. I hope this Arc of a Scythe thing can carry me a bit further, but after that, who knows? At the start of the decade, I had no idea that Scott & Bailey existed, or that I would fall for Sanctuary as hard as I did. I had no idea a wild and crazy RPG podcast would be the thing to pull me out of a two-year dry spell, or that I would finish a fic that had been sitting in my WIPs for two years (that’s ‘to beckon me’, btw, thanks, @tayryn, for helping me do a thing I never thought possible and take something OFF the backburner!). But yeah, whatever my 2020s fannish journey holds, I bet it has Awesome Ladies in it - particularly older ones.

[purplesurveys]

635

Don’t you think the name Barry is the stupidest name a guy can have?: I never thought it was stupid. I knew a Barry on the Tumblr wrestling fandom back when it was still at its prime. He was funny and pretty popular in our group, so it gave me positive memories of the name. I actually stumbled upon his social media the other day and it’s nice to know he’s still into wrestling and is actually now working as a ring announcer! Some things never change. What do you think of popcorn? Not really a fan. They’re pretty dry to me and it’s irritating when bits of it get stuck in between my teeth. Only Chef Tony’s can do popcorn right, so that’s the only brand I eat.. If you had to spend five straight hours listening to Eve, or Eve 6 which would you pick? I dunno, Eve maybe? She’s the one I’m remotely familiar with between the two. Never heard of Eve 6.

Ever huff house hold chemicals? I don’t purposely huff stuff like markers or glue but it does smell pleasant when I catch a whiff.

Do you like soup? Only miso soup. Soup in general isn’t filling for me, so I wouldn’t call it my favorite.

How about SOAP? I guess? I don’t feel passionately about soap, but like it keeps me clean so I guess it’s okay lmfao. Ever watch porno just to laugh at it? I’ve never done it for that purpose, but when I DO unintentionally land at a porno with silly aspects then I do stay for the laughs lol. Ever watch porno for OTHER reasons? Yep. Who do you like better, Jerry or Andy Garcia? I don’t follow either of their work. Have you ever drawn on yourself with a marker? Not with a marker, because it irritates my skin. I did it a lot with pens though. If yes, what was it? If no, why not? The thing I did most often was write the list of the day’s homework on my palm because my backpack was always a mess then and I was too lazy to look for my notebook. Otherwise I’d usually draw wrestling-related stuff, like symbols and logos. Do you like Christmas? I hate the period of when it’s nearing, but the day itself usually isn’t bad. Do you like your birthday? It’s the day of the year I’m most excited about. Do you trust your horoscope? You do you, but my personal opinion is fuck the horoscopes. Do you trust your friends? Most of them. I keep most of my trust in my two best friends, though. Who ARE your friends? I have two main groups – the friends I made after getting into college, and my high school barkada or friend group, and it’s since grown even bigger since we’ve branched out to include plus-ones that we eventually had. Which of your friends are your top 2 favorites? Angela and Gab, who are both from my time in grade school. Do you hate beer? I hate beer. It’s fizzy and has just a weird rusty scent and taste to it. I dunno if it’s because I’ve associated it with my uncles’ drinking binges where they stunk of beer, but it’s probably one small factor.

Funny note, though: My friend Sam’s uncle had a soft opening for his bar last night and we were invited, but I was a liiiiittle disappointed when the menu only had beers – that meant I had to resign myself with the fact that I’m gonna have to drink beers all night lololol. I still wouldn’t drink it if I had other options, but I honestly liked Red Horse and Pale Pilsen. Also I’m pretty proud that I finished three bottles, which is a lot for a hater like me hahaha. Have you ever dated any of your friends’ exes? Nope. Have you ever gone out with someone even though one of your friends liked that person first? No. I dunno if anyone liked Gabie in the same time I started to. I didn’t want that to change so I went ahead with it. If yes, did you feel bad? If no, were you tempted to? Got any piercings or tattoos? Just earlobes. Monkeys or horses? Probably monkeys. I love both animals though. Book or movie? Movie. Raspberry or strawberry? I don’t like either fruits but I like strawberry flavored stuff a little bit more than I do raspberry. If everyone else in the world stopped wearing clothes, would you? I probably wouldn’t, but it’d be interesting to see how that turns out for those who’d wanna join in on the trend. Do you own anything glow in the dark? I don’t think so. How many guys have you fucked? None. How many girls have you fucked? One. Do you believe in platonic relationships? So… friendships? Yes… <– LMAO ikr? What’s the longest you’ve ever dated someone? I’m still with my current girlfriend and we’re clocking in at 3 years 11 months this January, so let’s hope shit doesn’t go down in the next 30ish days haha. Who do you miss RIGHT NOW? Nacho. The bar last night almost had an impromptu Buwan singing contest (Buwan was Nacho’s favorite song, and it has one ridiculously high note that has since sparked contests and parodies). I prepared myself to go out once it started because I already felt like crying then, but for some reason they didn’t push through with it. Ever cut yourself on purpose? Yep. [trigger warning] Not very good at keeping myself clean either. Do you like penguins? Yes. Do penguins like you? I’ve never seen one. I’m sure there are no penguins anywhere near Asia, too. Most of the time are you happy, sad, or mad? Sad > happy > mad. What’s in your CD player? I think the CD player in my car has always had a Beyoncé album in it that I just never ejected. I think it’s her self-titled album. Would you rather be a rich musician, or a rich actor? Actor. Would you kill someone if you were absolutely totally sure you’d never, EVER get caught? If someone ever did stupid things to my dog, then I’d probably feel like killing them. I frequently refer to people I don’t know as Mr. Man, if you don’t know someone and you’re making referrence to them, what do you say? I just call them “the dude” or “the girl.” Would you rather talk on the phone or write a letter and get one back from that person? Both sound awful.  Own any dice? I don’t think so.

[andkaboodle]

Addison’s Arrival

Today’s blog is all about my labour with Addi. It gets a little gross in parts but it’s (I think) worth the lols. I’ll post a big *HERE* if you want to skip to the hospital part and miss all the build up.

To set the scene for you, picture yourself being 39 weeks and 6 days pregnant. It’s literally the middle of summer in Australia, a 39 degree day. Everyone else is  celebrating your favourite holiday and you’re sober, cranky, sore and sweating up a storm.

J and my mum had been dealing with my ‘so-over-this’ complaints for about two weeks at this stage and they’d both told me that as soon as I took my mind off it, bub would start to ‘descend’... ew. So I’d decided I was going to suck it up and enjoy the Australia Day party the best I could.

We arrived at our friends’ house and that’s when I saw it. The true love of my life. A brand new, 8ft wide, blow up pool. That was where I was spending my day today and no one could tell me otherwise. I was happy.

My short lived happiness was destroyed while I was up going to the toilet (I’m not that gross that I’d pee in the tiny pool) and I came back to find that one of the boys had cut his knee open during the slip’n’slide and ended up in my sanctuary, bleeding his germy germs everywhere. I was devastated.

I spent the next few hours sulking in the air conditioning while a drunk husband provided sausages and bread to his heavily pregnant beast of a wife. “As long as she’s fed, she won’t make me go home.”

To make matters worse, friends of ours rocked up with their 2 week old baby, purely to rub it in my face that they weren’t having to suffer through this heat and discomfort anymore.

Come 1pm and the sausages were not agreeing with me or foetus Addi anymore. I told Jarrod to ease up on his drinking as he may have to drive home after the party so I could nap my tummy ache away. “Ok, baby. But you’ll be fiiine!” were his exact words and he did not ‘ease up’ one bit. I pushed through the last five hours of the Triple J Hottest 100 to hear Flume smash out Never be Like You at number 1 (called it!).

We bailed as quick as we could but had to make a detour on the way home to drop off a phone that was left at the party. While Jarrod ran the phone inside to his mate, his wife and her best friend came out to thank me for a good day. I made a mention of my tummy being sore and they asked to feel my belly... “You know you’re in labour, right?” “Nah, I think I’d know if I was.” “Well when are you due?” “Tomorrow... Jarrod!! Get in the car!”

The girls wished me good luck (which did not ease my sudden panicked state) and we rushed home to call the hospital. My sister in-law was home and, thank my lucky stars, was a studying midwife. She felt my tummy and excitedly confirmed that this was indeed contractions. I went for a shower while J called the hospital and received his husbandly duty instructions.

Then it was all very mellow... apart from the intense stabbing pain near my hoo-ha every 6mins and 20secs. J ended up having something to eat and playing x-box, trying to sober up. I ended up doing my makeup (because I wanted to look nice when my baby saw me for the first time).

It was about 10:30pm when the contractions were closer together and (at the time, I thought) unbearable, we grabbed the hospital bag, said goodbye to Jess and headed off to the hospital with a drunk baby-daddy driver in the pouring rain. We were off to a good start with this responsible parenting thing!

*HERE* - for those who only want the gory bits

Once we got to the North West Private Hospital (I only remember the name because of Kim and Kanye’s daughter), we were shown to our room in which the air con had shit itself. Great. I had sweat off my makeup within 10mins.

A lovely Irish midwife named Bonnie came in with an evil little plan. She asked if she could feel how things were going ‘down there’ and told me it wouldn’t hurt as she needed me relaxed. Then the devil/angel lady pulled something (my cervix? mucus plug? I’m not sure) which hurt so badly I think I nearly broke Jarrod’s arm. Lucky I was holding him back though because his instinct was to push her away from me.

From there, everything is very blurry in my memory. I was given pain relief pills which I immediately vomited, an injection soon after which made me very giddy and then the laughing gas which I told the nurse I was going to leave J for. I said some weird shit on that gas; called my parents and congratulated them prematurely, took some snapchats, laughed at J when he started spewing out all the day’s alcohol and Bonnie thought he was just a weak little bitch. But let me tell you, it didn’t help the pain AT ALL. It just made me forget about it in between the stabs.

Fast forward to 6am and my OBGYN had arrived. She told me it was a good day to have a baby and I remembered that it was her birthday too! She jokingly asked if I was going to name the baby Kate after her, and I (drugged up and not getting the joke) let her down easy and apologised about us already having a name picked out.

She soon decided to break my waters for me which honestly, wasn’t painful at all; but it was such a strange sensation that I passed out straight away. When I woke up, I heard Kate say ‘there she is’ and druggo Kit thought she was talking about my baby. Score! I’d been unconscious for the birth of my baby and didn’t feel any of the painful pushes and tears!

She asked Jarrod to take me to the bathroom to get undressed and cleaned up. I kept telling him how easy that was and that I didn’t know why women were so dramatic about it. He started hosing me down with the shower head and I decided to help out a bit. That is when the most disgusting thing ever, in our entire relationship happened...

As I washed between my legs, I felt some sort of gunk and tugged on it to wash it away. Jarrod gagged and ordered me not to touch it. Drugged up Kit don’t take no orders from no one, so I just yanked it right out in front of me.  “Holy cow! What is this?!” I said laughing, while J dry retched in the corner of the en suite. “It’s like a magician’s handkerchief! It just keeps coming!” as I pulled the never ending string of mucus out of myself.

While Jarrod tells people that it was the most horrendous thing he’s ever witnessed, I found it hilarious. My laughing soon stopped though, when the worst contraction began. I just looked at J, expecting him to explain why this was still happening when Addi was out already. It was then that the drugs must have worn off enough for me to notice my still huge, still rock hard belly and that Kate was talking about me coming around, not my baby coming out. I just started silently crying. I was so scared. I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to be in pain anymore.

I hopped back on the bed, naked and miserable. J assumed the hand-holding position and tried to give me a pep talk. I started to feel like Hell itself was erupting out of me and the midwife rushed in. “She’s coming out!” I yelled and the midwife told me that it just feels like that in the beginning. “No! She’s f*cking coming ooooout!” She checked under the blanket and with a quiet “oh” ran to get Dr Kate.

Birthday Girl, Kate, strolled in putting her gloves on and with a surprisingly motivating tone said, “let’s do this thing, ready to push?” Sorry J, but that sentence got me more pumped up than your whole 5min speech about what a strong, amazing woman I was.

I’m going to skip these details, not because they’re too gruesome but because I don’t want to put anyone off having children. Let me just say three things.

1. Screaming helped, so don’t hold back if you feel like you need to let it out.

2. Don’t forget to breathe because apparently my deep breaths were the only thing that stopped me tearing.

3. And don’t look at your partner. The look of absolute heartache I saw in his eyes as he watched me helplessly, made things so much worse.

After what felt like 3 days, but was only 21 minutes of pushing, Addi was pulled up onto my chest. She was quiet as those little black-blue eyes checked out the parents she was now stuck with. J was a mess, holding my neck with one hand and Addi’s with the other. “It’s a girl. Baby, it’s a girl.” “Yeah, we f*cking knew that already.”

Sorry! But I was tirrred and all out of any possible emotion. I unwillingly delivered the afterbirth and I was asleep before J even cut the cord.

I woke up 3 hours later to him holding and talking to our little princess who had been all cleaned up and was warm, comfy and safe in daddy’s arms.

Addison Rae Hindmarsh Weighing  3.165kg or 7lbs born on 27th January 2017 at 8:31am

[lovemesomesurveys]

When was the last time you swam in a pool? It’s been like 4-5 years. Do you like to party? Who doesn’t like to party? Not me. If your ex suddenly kissed you right now, what would you do? I would definitely be caught off guard. I’d kind of just be like uh wtf are you doing.

Are you a virgin? Yes.

Is your best friend dating anyone? My best friend is my mom, and she’s married to my dad.

Describe the shirt you’re wearing? It’s a gray shirt I got from my UC. Could you go out in public without wearing makeup? I do all the time. What is one feature that you don’t like? On me? I hate my smile the most. Would people describe you as happy? No.

Do you have a Tumblr? No, what’s that? Sleep with or without clothes on? With. I don’t like being naked. Like after I shower I can’t wait to my clothes on. You’re offered free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert. What do you do? Sell ‘em. Does it bother you if people swear around you? No. I find it funny whenever our family friend cusses in front of me because she always apologizes to me for it. I’m like, I’m almost 30 it’s fine. Do you prefer Wednesdays or Thursdays? They don’t make a difference to me. Converse? I like them. Prefer black or blue pens? Black. Dress up on Halloween? Not anymore. Like to travel? Yesss. Like someone? No. Does he know? Who sleeps with you every night? No one. Think you’re attractive? Nope. Want to get married? No. Are you a good student? I was, yes. I’m not in school anymore. Are you currently happy? No. Have you ever cheated / been cheated on? No and no. Birthplace? California. Christmas or Halloween? Christmas. Colored or black-and-white photo? Colored. Do you believe in astrology? No. Do you believe in love at first sight? No. If you could move anywhere in the world for free, where would you move? Hmm. I’d have to really think about that. Has anything been pissing you off lately? Yes. Do you have a favorite Blizzard flavor? I’ve only been to a Dairy Queen as a kid, so I have no idea what they have now. What did you do this morning? It’s only 12:40AM. What time did you wake up this morning? I haven’t gone to bed, yet. Have you ever hugged someone you didn’t know? No. Did you follow the World Cup this year? Nope. If so, do you have a favorite player? Who is playing guitar in the song you are currently listening to? I’m not listening to any music. Do you like Lady Gaga or does she try too hard? I like some of her songs. Who was your favorite Beatle? I don’t have one. What’s the ugliest trend you’ve ever seen? I don’t know. Can any songs make you cry? Yes. What’s the genre of the current song you’re listening to? I’m not listening to music. Do you say ‘legit’? Sometimes. What’s the funniest nickname you have? Boob or Boobala. lol. Would you ever keep your favorite animal as a pet? I have a dog. (: I unfortunately could never have a giraffe. Were any of your close friends born in January? Nope. Did the last hand you held belong to a male or a female? Female. Could you survive without Google? I think I’d get along okay. It’d suck, though. I love Google. Do you listen to Kanye West? I like some of his stuff. What would you do if you were stuck on a boat in the middle of the ocean? Freak out. ha. When was the last time you played Guitar Hero? It’s been yearsss. I want to play. Where did you last wear a bathing suit? I don’t wear bathing suits. Who did your last notification come from? I don’t remember. Who is the funniest person you know? My younger brother. When did you last see that person? Earlier. When sitting on the floor, in what position do you normally sit? Cross legged. Did you remember to wear deodorant today? I haven’t put any on yet today. Who’s the main actor in your favorite TV show? I have a lot of favorite shows. Do you get along with your parents? Yes. My mom is my best friend. Does the last person you kissed know what color your eyes are? I believe so. Do you feel more comfortable with a male or female doctor/nurse? Female. Do you miss anyone? Yes. In the past 48 hours have you hung out with a guy? My brother. Is there anyone getting on your nerves at the moment? No. Do you remember the first time you kissed the last person you kissed? Yes. Have you ever walked on the beach at night? No. What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? What I wanted for lunch. lmao. Is anyone else in the room with you? No. Do you like being kissed spontaneously or asked? Spontaneously if it’s a person I want to be kissed by. Well, if we’ve already kissed before and we have a thing going on that is. What are you excited about? Summer being over. What are you not excited about? My upcoming doctor appointments. Do you know anyone who has the same last name as you, that you aren’t related to? Yes, actually. it was pretty weird because my last name isn’t a common one. Ever cried so much you threw up? No, but I get to where I dry heave. What were you doing at 2 AM this morning? It hasn’t been 2AM, yet. When was the last time something bothered you? Earlier. Do you believe teenagers can be in love and stay in love? Sure. Where do you wish you were right now? I’m good with being in bed right now. Have you done anything embarrassing lately? Just being me. Ever been kissed on the forehead? Yes. Is there anyone who doesn’t like you? It’s possible. How many kids do you want? None. Is anyone overprotective over you? My parents, but I don’t mind that. I know they just love and care about me. They worry about me a lot. Do you trust all of your friends? Yeah. Do you have a reason to smile? Not at the moment. Are you completely over your last relationship? Yes. When was your last cigarette? Never. Is anyone ignoring you right now? I don’t believe so. Last song you listened to? I don’t recall. Have you ever passed out on the bathroom floor? No. Do you like to cuddle? Yes. Tell us about your latest ex? Nahhh. You’ve heard about him in other surveys if you read them. How tall is the last person you hugged? 5′6. What is something you wish you had more of? Just better health. Do you have an addiction? Caffeine? Your last ex said they were in love with you, what would you say? Oh, I wouldn’t believe that for one second. Has anyone ever said they would die for you? Yes. Do you like thunderstorms? I do. What would you say if you were to die tomorrow? I have no idea. What is your current mood? I’m tired. Who do you know that can make you feel better if you’re not feeling happy? My pup can always put a smile on my face. Do you hate when people call you when you’re sleeping? Yes. Biggest annoyance in your life right now? Health crap. Who will be your next kiss? No idea. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed? Absolutely nothing. Have you ever tried to break someone up? No. Are you a bad influence? Maybe I am now. Would you ever get a tattoo? I want to, but I’m too big of a baby. Do you get nervous before going to doctor appointments? Always. Even to the one I go to weekly and pretty much know what to expect. How many drugs are in your system? 2. How tall is the last person you kissed? Not sure. What’s on your schedule for tomorrow? Hang out with my mom and catch up on some of our TV shows that we’re behind on. Do you currently have any bite marks/hickeys on your body? No. Do you usually answer your texts? Usually. Do you call anyone baby? My pup sometimes. Who was the last person to text you? My brother. Have you ever dressed unlike yourself to impress a guy? No. I tried to look nice, but it wasn’t something that I wouldn’t wear otherwise. When is the next time you will kiss someone of the opposite sex? I. Don’t. Know. Do you have to sleep with a television on? Yes. Do you think you are a good person? I try to be, but I could use some work. I don’t feel like I have been as of late. Are all of your friends virgins? No. Are you wasting your time on the person you like? I don’t like anyone. Think back to the last person you kissed, how many times have you cried in front of them? Zero. What do you want right this second? Sleep. If you were offered to smoke some weed right now would you accept? Maybe, honestly. Do you think it makes him weak if a guy cries? Absolutely not. Are they not humans with emotions? What would you do if the last person you kissed told you that kissing you was a mistake? He probably did feel that way, but it didn’t stop him. Do you like it when people call you babe? I didn’t when my first, and only technically, boyfriend called me that. Joseph didn’t call me that. Can you control your dreams if you realize you are dreaming? No. What were you doing before filling out this survey? A different survey. How late did you stay up last night? Until like 4ish. When was the last time you cried really hard? A few days ago. Are you afraid of roller coasters? Yep. I do not do roller coasters. Have you ever done something outrageously dumb? Oh yes. Do you think you can last for an hour without talking? Yeah, I do that a lot. Has anyone put their arms around you in the past 7 days? Yes. Is your hair longer than your shoulders? Yep. It reaches my butt. Do you know anyone else with your name? Yes. Last person who gave you a ‘good morning’ text? I don’t remember. Have you ever watched a movie in another language? Yeah. The last person that made you angry, did you tell them? No. What did you purchase last? Makeup. What are you listening to? Catfish. Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle? Yeah. Are you an alcoholic? Nope. I don’t even drink at all. Is anything bothering you? Yes. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? Yes. What is your favorite perfume to wear? I don’t have one as of now. Do you drink water? Yes. Do you go to the mall on Friday nights? No. I haven’t been to the mall in forever. Where do you buy most of your clothes at? Online these days. What is your favorite thing to watch on TV? I watch Catfish, The Golden Girls, and I Love Lucy a lot. And then there’s my other shows that I watch on certain days, but those are shows I watch all the time and have seen every episode. Have you ever been to “Dollywood”? Nope. Do you listen to country music? Yes. It’s Friday night. What are you doing? Same thing as any other night. Do you wear a lot of make up or not that much? I started wearing foundation and concealer now as well. Do you even care what people think of you? I do. Do you have a cousin who is like your own child? No. How to spend your birthdays? With my family out to dinner. You can go back to one time in your life: Where do you go? Childhood. Do you use Victoria’s Secret spray? It’s been years. Do you shop at Pacsun? I have. At school, are you always getting in trouble? I never did. Are you close to any teachers? I’m not in school anymore. Who is your best guy friend? I don’t have one. What do you two do when you hang out? What is a movie that you thought you would hate but you ended up loving? Napoleon Dynamite. I actually did hate it when I first saw it and thought it was so stupid. it is dumb, but I somehow grew to really like it lol. Do you even like horror movies? Yes, some. Do you live in the country? No. Have you ever had a boyfriend your parents didn’t like? No. If so, did you hide it from them? Were you ever a trouble maker? Nope. Do you shave your legs? Yes. Don’t you love the feeling of how they feel when you’re done shaving them? Sure. Which do you prefer to write with: pencil or pen? Pen. Have you ever drove? Nope. Do you have any person in your family with an addiction to beer? No. Do you take a lot of pictures? Of my pup. What did you want to be when you were younger? A teacher. Do you like small or large dogs? I love dogs. Have you ever watched “The Blind Side”? Yes. Who is your favorite cousin? I do not have a favorite cousin. I used to be really close to two of them (I have way over 30 cousins), but I’ve become distant from everyone over the last two years. Do you have a favorite aunt? I am close to one of my aunts on my mom’s side. If you could be anywhere else but here, where would you be? Somewhere on a nice vacation. Right now I’d love to be lying in a nice hotel room with a beautiful ocean view. Has a boy ever spent the night at your house? Just family. Who was the last person to sleep over? My aunt and cousin. Do you have a MySpace? It still exists out there, but I haven’t used it since like 2008. Do you own anything zebra striped? No. I have stuff with giraffe print, though. What is the most expensive thing you own? My MacBook Air. Do things always have to go your way? No. It’s not in my hands. What is something you eat but everybody else thinks it’s gross? Hmm. I like Pizza Rolls with mustard? I know some people find that weird and a lot of people don’t like mustard in general. Do you use the internet heart (<3)? Every once in awhile. Do you forward the chain letters in your email? Uh, no. I hated those. Does drama always seem to follow you? Not drama, just other stressful stuff. Do you like watching motorcross? No. Does anybody in your family race? Yes. How many pairs of shoes do you have? I think about 6 pairs. Do you support your best friend’s choices? Yes. Are you in a relationship? No. Are you closer to your mom or dad? My mom. Do you have a laptop or desktop? A laptop. What color is it? Silver. I have a rose gold case on it.

[klondike-bar-girl]

hello we haven't really talked but i read ur tags and I NEED to know more about this dilf lol (if you're comfortable sharing ofc!) i really miss hearing about other people's doings

Haha so I'm gonna put this in a read more because it's frankly not a tale of me making the best, most ethical decisions in the world, but it is a pretty interesting story

There's this girl (I'll call her E) who was in my preschool class starting at the same time I started my job, January 2019. I've always thought her dad was hot but douchey, and there were clearly issues with the marriage in terms of her mom never wearing a ring and E telling me about how her dad was staying in an apartment sometimes. They seemed to be on and off for a few years, and then covid hit and we shut down for a few months. When we opened back up in October 2020, E said her parents were living together and everything seemed fine.

Quarantine was getting to me, especially since I had broken up with my fiancée in December 2019 and was just getting used to living alone. I wasn't seeing a lot of people outside of work, and E's dad was very much my type. I had a very idle crush on him, which felt safe emotionally because I wouldn't be disappointed because I had no expectation of anything happening between us.

Then, in April 2021, the parents informed us that they had filed for divorce in January and it had just gone through, so they would be living separately and sharing custody of E. It completely blindsided us (and her) but we let them know we would do our best to help her through it. I found out around this time that he is 42, which is older than I thought since E is just 5, and I'm 25, but I didn't think much of it at the time.

The next day that dad picked up, he was different with me. He'd always been nicer to me than the other teachers, but I figured it was just because we shared a dry sense of humor. But this was holding eye contact, drawing out the conversation, casually touching my arm different. I had both his and his ex-wife's phone number through the app that our school uses, so I found some dumb excuse to text them after a few weeks, and he texted me out of the group thread later that night, asking if I could ever come pet sit since he went on work trips a lot. Then we just kind of. Kept texting. And things got jokingly flirty and then explicitly sexual pretty fast. Mid-June, he invited me over and we hooked up. And then we kept hooking up, about once a week for a few months. And I started spending the night, and he would make me dinner, and we would talk. And because I already had the context on his family situation, it was easy for him to confide in or vent to me about it. And he had pet names for me and we had the same taste in shows and music and I honestly really enjoyed the time we spent together even when we weren't having sex. Which is kind of unusual for me.

Don't get me wrong. He wouldn't always text me back, and he was definitely fucking other people during this time, and he didn't tend to ask me a lot about MY life. It wasn't great. If we had actually been dating I would have had some serious talks with him about how I prefer to be treated.

But we weren't actually dating. And the sex was really, REALLY good. And his daughter was still in my class, and she was having a lot of adjustment issues with the divorce and going to kindergarten soon, and she was getting really emotionally attached to me since I had been her teacher for over two years. And as ethically fraught as it was, I think both of us liked that we were sneaking around on some level.

Well, E graduated in August and I kept seeing him, although visits were getting fewer and further between. He had been telling me about a job opportunity and how he interviewed and eventually got it (also told me a lot about the salary he would be makin, knowing I live on a preschool teacher's salary... again, not the most tactful guy...) and he started the new job the day after labor day. I kept pestering him to have sex last week, and he kept saying he couldn't, and then finally last night he said we had to slow down because his job and his daughter were taking everything out of him. I pretty much responded that I understood and I would leave him alone, but to let me know if he ever wanted to hang out again or if he ever needed anything. I fully assumed the response would be "ok" and that would literally be the end of it forever. Like I deleted his contact from my phone so I wouldn't be tempted to bother him again since he was so clearly asking for space.

But then he came back telling me he wished he had texted me a few nights ago when he had a full on breakdown watching a show because there were storylines about daddy issues and parenting guilt, both of which he has. And we talked about that for a minute and he said that that offer went both ways if I ever needed anything, and then he said I should come see E play soccer, because he's coaching her team and she would really like to see me.

So he's not like. Ending things, I guess? We talked a little more and then that was it so far, but I'll probably see him at E's game this weekend, and I don't even know what that's going to look like. It's all extremely messy and I'm definitely in over my head with something that I thought would just be meaningless but crazy hot sex. But I'm invested now and honestly pretty curious to see how it plays out. Seeing how he is with E, I could never have any sort of serious relationship with him. The only times I like him are when it's just him and me, and that's not an acceptable way to feel in a relationship. I'm just not sure what he's getting out of it at this point if we're not fucking, but I care about him enough to see it through.

I know that was probably soooo much more than you actually wanted, but I've never actually gone through the whole thing step by step in my head like that so it was kind of a nice exercise for me too lol

[rplam]

Goodbye, 2018!

You were kind of… intense, to say the least.

January:    Started the year off kind of… rocky. I wasn’t talking to Matchy at the time and I had just gotten into a relationship with egg boy– I moved back into the dorms and started my spring semester with 17 or 18 units!!! :D. I was really in love, to say the least. I thought I’d found someone to spend the rest of my life with, tbh.

February:   I broke down crying because I couldn’t finish my first CS61B project despite having stayed up all night working on it– I was so disappointed and I was so stressed out that I wouldn’t be able to do pass the class if it continued at that rate. I remember crying and crying and some girl approached me and asked if I was okay, gave me a hug. Thank you Olivia from the fourth floor! I’m doing okay now! This month was also Valentine + egg boy’s birthday! Woah dude the excitement that came with running home to gifts and having egg boy visit Berkeley. It was really surreal, living out what I saw as my dream date at the time and being able to spend time with him and be cuddly. It was really bittersweet when he left, and unfortunately I was too nauseous when he started crying on me before he left to actually do much LOL. Also the first time I got tipsy! Lots of fun!

March:    Things got a little bit rough and intense. Egg boy and I argued over space and such, and we broke up. I really tried super hard to work things out because it was sort of left on ambiguous terms, and I wanted to help him figure out what was going on in his life. Classes went okay! I probably had a breakdown over midterms but I can’t really remember at this point. I reconnected with Matchy! It was very fulfilling and things were a bit difficult but I definitely am glad I did so.

April:    Spring break! I came out to my mom which did not go well, but it was nice to feel the support of my siblings. Things kind of just blew over at this point, and egg boy and I hung out again and sort of made up. We watched Love, Simon and I cried on him like the 12 year old I am. We went shopping and had korean bbq, it was really good; and then we kind of talked about what the future might be like for us. And then a few days later we broke up for real– blocked me and everything. I think my baby girl passed this month as well. It was really rough for me and I kind of couldn’t really hold it together. I think I tried going on a date with waffle boy but that was… not great. I think I just took myself off dating at that point.

May:   At this point, I had been pretty active on my finsta. I’d been slowly trying to understand things. I made it through finals and did well enough! Egg boy wanted to come back into my life and me, not being over him entirely, allowed this and explored the idea of getting back with him. He hit me with the “I don’t want to lose you but I’m not ready for a relationship” over and over and over and over and started calling me baby and stuff. It was– a tad frustrating. I played lots of smite!

June:    We hung out again– within minutes he was being cuddly and affectionate and constantly mumbling “I don’t want to lose you but I am not ready for a relationship” and I was so so so so hurt. I wanted so badly to understand what he was going through– figure out why things were so hard for him. What I didn’t realize was how much of myself I was losing in the process. I went to Gina’s 18th birthday and looked really fancy (took hella selfies LOL)

July:   I finally cut connections with egg boy. It was really hard of course, but ultimately I think it was the best decision for me. I finally had space to breathe and start focusing on the things around me. I spent a lot of time playing siege with Mikey and Matchy and enjoying my summer.

August:    KCON! I had such a wonderful amazing time with Makenna & Erica at KCON and I got standing tickets and I just– I want to have the confidence to let loose a little bit more. We went to LA and drove around a bunch; I started packing to move back to Berkeley and things went swell. I got back to Berkeley! And I met… someone particularly interesting.

September:    I got super close to his dogs! It was really cool and I am so glad I got along well with Sydney! I left my stinky bracelet and kind of pushed my way into his life oops. Classes at this point were going alright– a bit hard but normal. I started my tumblr, and began posting Instagram stories!

October:    Things got a bit problematic when I realized that I liked him a bit more than I should. I discovered maple cookies and wanted to share this wonderful little thing with him so I ran across campus to get boba and bring maple cookies. That was the most interesting uber ride oh my god.

November:   I told him I liked him, like a big smelly dummy. I got a sort of weird reply, so I think at this point I took it as ambiguity for a while– and then I sort of began to take it as rejection and tried to move on. I met tea egg kiddo and thought he was cool! He played siege and league and seemed to get along well enough with my friends. Chiyu passed away this month, and I put the butterfly emoji in my bio in honor of that. I really– I really miss her and wish I had been more present in her life. Tea egg kiddo became dangerously attached and I realized painstakingly that my crush was not going away. I had a straight up anxiety attack and stayed up all night to make sure he was okay, and to this day I can’t help but blame myself. I spent a few weeks with my babies and they made me feel a lot better, and I snuggled with them and woke up to them and oof what a wonderful week. I asked about my crush and it turns out it wasn’t entirely rejection, so I decided I would just stay by his side and help him figure things out before I worry about how I feel. I came out to my dad and began arguing with my parents. He and I spent Thanksgiving together! I kind of wanted to the whole time but didn’t say anything until the day of because I was being stupid and playing the whole “if he doesn’t invite me he don’t WANT me” game which is… in retrospect so childish…. Regardless, it was nice even though the beef was rather shitty, hopefully I can make it better from now on!

December:    My birth month! Finals went kind of roughly despite me having studied pretty hard. I really fell behind this semester because of what has been going on– and a slight bit of lack of motivation. I was really upset that I wasn’t getting enough time with crush and the dogs because of my busy final schedule, and I felt like the distance was making things rough. I argued with family more and it was still super hard, but I made it home for New Years! I had an amazing birthday and got to go shopping in SF. In retrospect, I checked off everything on my list except the cafe– even belting karaoke in a onesie, albeit alone in my apartment. I had been super worried about how my crush felt about me that whole time– I was worried about bothering him with my feelings or something and tried to make him comfortable by putting up barriers, but then realized that it was something that was hindering our friendship. I worked really really really hard trying to figure out a gift. At first, I wanted to make him a blanket like I do with all my friends– but then I realized that he might not really care for it. I saw a guitar ad and it kind of dawned on me– so I went out and found a guitar. I hit up guitar center and lugged it around in the rain, trying to keep it dry and had it restrung and bought a strap! And then, with only a few days left I went and bought a ton of art supplies and went to town on that strap. Honestly, I was nervous giving it to him because I didn’t know– how he would feel or if he wouldn’t like it or whatnot. I was absolutely TERRIFIED. We had Christmas lunch together and decided to spend less time together and to be a bit more firm in our boundaries. Egg boy gave me a really hard time and kind of pulled the “I never loved you” act on me, and peach boy kind of also friendzoned me.

[bittersweet-dan-blog]

i am bored and it have no friends so i’m doing this lmao also this is a gr8 way to stalk me so go on ahead idc

credit to: @luxet 

-

1. spotify ofc 2. my room has to be clean or else i will actually go insane 3. my eyes are a hazel brown 4. not really? only because it’s really feminine. i mean, don’t get me wrong, gabriella is a beautiful name. but it’s not exactly the easiest to go by gabie as a transboy 5. complicated. i have an on-again-off-again girlfriend that lives in ireland ;; 6. sarcastic kinky existentialist  7. i have burgundy hair ( : ) 8. i don’t have a car  9. i shop at hot topic, spencers and books a million 10. my style is lots and lots of black. my style is very.. comfy? i wear lots of over sized jumpers and sweat pants, but i also wear really tight skinny jeans and loose shirts so... borderline emo? i guess??? 11. tumblr lmao 12. i have a twin size 13. yes. i have a one year old brother named benjamin  14. i would live in Нижний Новгород (Nizhny Novgorod, Russia). because i really love the culture and food and i speak russian so that’s a plus 15. i really like the filter where it makes everything blue and you have a flower crown and it’s all mystical and stuffz 16. i don’t wear makeup *;;* 17. i shower about 2 times a week 18. AMERICAN. FUCKING. HORROR STORY. sorry ( : ) 19. about a 7 in UK sizes 20. i am about 168 cm tall 21. sneakers. everytime i tried to wear sandals, my toes always got stepped on 22. yes  23. my dream date would consist of midnight drives with the radio blasting and a night filled with cuddles and kisses and movies and fairy lights and pillow/blanket forts 24. tbh nothing welp 25. i ‘ m     n o t     w e a r i n g    s o c ks 26. 2 27. well i mean, considering i’m 14, i don’t have a job exactly? i compete in figure skating competitions though so idk if that’s a job persay 28. like, -2 29. i was reading something and i ran into a wall. with my crush watching me. they laughed. i wanted death. right then and there. 30. i really like *don’t think this is weird* the smell of chlorine and the pool in general, and i was shopping with my mum when i found a candle that smells like that and !!! 31. alroy, benjamin, bryant 32. hazel, eden, january 33. evan peters 34. chloe grace moretz 35. evan petersssss 36. atm it is either the fault in our stars, my neighbour totoro, or the original spiderman movies lmao 37. yes i do. my favourite book is ‘faking normal’ by courtney stevens.  38. having intelligence is such a big turn on ngl 39. yes xD. my nickname is ‘dan howell 2.0′  40. i have been to the hospital at least 10 times 41. (1.) pillow talk by zayn  (2.) photograph by ed sheeran  (3.) goner by twenty one pilots  (4.) ode to sleep by twenty one pilots  (5.) sarcasm by get scared  (6.) psycho by muse *literally every muse song is gr8 tbh*  (7.) the sharpest lives by my chemical romance  (8.) nicotine by panic! at the disco  (9.) do it now remember it later by pierce the veil  (10.) i’ll sleep when i’m dead by set it off *once again, every sio song is amazing* 42. i take medicine for my extreme social anxiety 43. my skin is always dry because i take really hot showers and never use lotion afterwards because i always forget welp 44. my biggest fear is having someone being disappointed in me  45. maybe 1 or 2. but i’m probably going to have dogs. my mum is going to have granddogs. puppos. doggos everywhere 46. messy bun, fringe out 47. i live in a small run down flat  48. my role model is actually phil because i’ve always wanted a friend like phil but everyone that i meet just leaves?? but phil has always been my source of happiness since i was 8 so i am forever grateful for that.  49. ‘at least you didn’t fuck up your jumps’ my ice skating coach 50. ‘goodnight loser : p’  51. 6 52. it’s not really a car... more like a motorcycle.. a really, really fast motorcycle 53. it’s your demons your getting rid of, not mine. and honestly if smoking helps it, then go ahead. i won’t stop them. 54. i’m in secondary school but i probably won’t go to college 55. my dream job is to be an authour 56. suburbs in case there is a psycho murderer because in rural place, no one can hear you scream  57. ofc who doesn’t 58. i have very light freckles under my eyes 59. yes ^^ 60. not that many. most of my gallery is basically witty tumblr posts that i screenshots or photos of dnp that i screenshoted 61. nupe 62. yes :p i watch bob’s burgers a l o t 63. neither... i don’t know what wendy’s food tastes like, but if it’s anything close to mcdonald’s than no thank you... 64. barbecue sauce  65. i wear boxers and a loose t-shirt ; 66. no because i’m stupid 67. i play piano and i sketch in my free time 68. not well lol 69. i play ukulele, piano, and clarinet 70. the last concert i saw was twenty one pilots 71. tea 72. starbucks 73. it depends on the person i’m marrying.. 74. bm 75. mayyybbeee 76. black lmao 77. i miss my doggo :( 78. c l o s e d. the grudge isn’t going to get me tonight 79. nupe 80. when people look in the view finder of the video camera 81. my ‘friend’ marco 82. hazelnut 83. regular 84. chocolate 85. i am *ironically* wearing a ‘dan eclipse shirt’ that i made in 2012 86. my phone background is 2010 dan and phil in halloween costumes :’) 87. i’m pretty shy.. but also very loud and obnoxious so i mean 88. i love when people play with my hair tbh 89. sorta but then again i’ve never exactly met my neighbours 90. i wash my face at night 91. no 92. nuppers 93. i ate a really bland crumpet a few minutes ago 94. “though i’m weak, and beaten down. i’ll slip away into the sound. the ghost of you. is close to me. i’m inside out. your underneath.” -goner, twenty one pilots 95. winter  96. night 97. i really like dark chocolate 98. october because i like halloween ;; 99. cancer 100. my ex girlfriend

[hello-there]

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[ashley-virginia]

Alright I'm gonna be "that guy" and be totally annoying, but for the unusual asks thing, answer all of them (or whatever ones you want to/have time for) bc I'm honestly genuinely curious :)

Ahhhh thank you so much! I actually love you a whole bunch, because this was so fun and I never really get to do things like this!!

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? spotify

is your room messy or clean? my room at home is messy as hell, but my dorm is pretty neat and pretty.

what color are your eyes? brown, but like a nice chocolate brown!

do you like your name? why? i guess i like it, i think it’s kinda adorable when people mess up the pronunciation and add an extra syllable in the middle. so they say ash-uh-lee instead of just Ashley.

what is your relationship status? s i n g l e 

describe your personality in 3 words or less calm, friendly, shy

what color hair do you have? brunette

what kind of car do you drive? color? white ‘99 solara. i named him caspar :)

where do you shop? target, forever21, kohls (if i’m feeling like dropping big bucks), lush

how would you describe your style? terrible. i have zero style whatsoever. but i guess it’s classic? trendy? what words do you even use to describe style??

favorite social media account tumblr or twitter

what size bed do you have? queen i think

any siblings? only child!

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why? somewhere warm so i don’t freeze my butt off, and my skin gets super dry when it’s cold out. so like maybe florida or cali. the outer banks is pretty nice in the summer, they have great beaches

favorite snapchat filter? the butterfly crown thingy

favorite makeup brand(s) COLOURPOP, maybelline, ulta brand?, nyx, too faced…(i have a ton of favs)

how many times a week do you shower? usually 7 because i work out quite often so i don’t want to go to work or class smelling gross like some people do 

favorite tv show? gotham, the flash, supergirl, ouat

shoe size? 6 or 7

how tall are you? 5′3

sandals or sneakers? sneakers because i have ugly, wide feet

do you go to the gym? not really, i usually go on runs or use the treadmill/elliptical that i have in my house. but since there’s a gym on campus i might start going, but it’s also out of the way so idk

describe your dream date cute lunch or dinner at a cute cafe. i’m sipping some hot chocolate and munching on a soft pretzel or muffin. and my date, whoever he or she is, is munching on their snack, telling me about a book their reading or something that makes them happy. maybe afterwards we’ll go on a walk and find a quite place to read

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? maybe like $30? about to be like 10 after i get my lab notebook

what color socks are you wearing? maroon and white

how many pillows do you sleep with? at home: two regular pillows, a body pillow, two pillow pets. at school, one pillow, three decorative pillows.

do you have a job? what do you do? i work part time at an agriculture company, currently at school though, so i work during breaks. but i help with harvest and such, i don’t really know how to explain it without going into major details

how many friends do you have? not a lot. it’s kinda embarrassing to put a number to it 

whats the worst thing you have ever done? give my phone to two of my friends while they prank called some guy that had called one of them while he was very drunk (the dude not my friend). it turns out he was in a very high position in our state, and we all got in a shit ton of trouble :/

whats your favorite candle scent? classic vanilla i suppose. or anything fall themed

3 favorite boy names noah, adam, jonathan (and any variation of it)

3 favorite girl names carrie, zoe, dorothy 

favorite actor? river phoenix or cameron monaghan. i could go on and on about why i picked them

favorite actress? i don’t really have one, but i like emma watson and elizabeth taylor

who is your celebrity crush? probably cam or river

favorite movie? stand by be, the mummy, and et are all collectively number 1 on my list

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? i’ve read 7 books in january so i guess i read a lot. and right now my favorite would probably be The Raven Boys (i’m patiently waiting on the rest of the series to arrive so i can binge read it)

money or brains? brains

do you have a nickname? what is it? sadly i have a very plain nickname. It’s Ash, just the first three letters of my name. but i do like it, usually on my family and few friends call me it, so it’s kinda special to me

how many times have you been to the hospital? oh yikes, proably like 15-20

top 10 favorite songs 

sexual by NEIKED

shout out to my ex by little mix 

anything that dodie calrk sings lol

all i ask by adele

make you feel by love (the glee version)

the dear evan hansen sounddtrack (it hasn’t been released yet but you know i’m gonna love it)

human by darren criss

driftwood by cody simpson (basically the whole album, free, is a bop)

last night on earth by green day

girls like girls by hayley kiyoko

do you take any medications daily? yep, nothing serious just stuff to keep me healthy

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) usually oily, but during very cold days, it can get very very dry

what is your biggest fear? probably being alone in life.

how many kids do you want? maybe 2 or 3

whats your go to hair style? well considering i have short hair, i just shower and let it dry

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) i guess it’s small, but before i left for uni, i was in the process of moving into a slightly bigger house, so now i guess it’s a medium sized house

who is your role model? lea michele

what was the last compliment you received? some girl in my psych class complimented my blue jacket

what was the last text you sent? “i love you” to my dad

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? 7, i saw one of my presents that had yet to be wrapped in the back of my dads truck, and then on christmas day, i opened the exact gift and it had said it was from “Santa”. i didn’t let my parents know for a couple more years.

what is your dream car? idk, i kinda like the one i have now.

opinion on smoking? it’s bad for you and your health, you shouldn’t do it

do you go to college? yep, just started my first semester on monday

what is your dream job? either a writer or an actress, i’m going to school for neither of those things

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? suburbs was always the dream, but i am starting to like more rural areas.

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? no, but my mom does

do you have freckles? yep, on my shoulders and face, though the latter are more prominent in the summer

do you smile for pictures? usually

how many pictures do you have on your phone? 37

have you ever peed in the woods? yep!

do you still watch cartoons? not really, but sometimes i’ll watch old pokemon episodes on netflix

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? i don’t think i’ve ever had wendy’s nuggets, but i’m sure they’re much better than McDonald’s

Favorite dipping sauce? BBQ or ketchup

what do you wear to bed? usually sweatpants and a tank top, but i’ll switch to shorts if it gets too hot

have you ever won a spelling bee? i’ve never been in a spelling bee

what are your hobbies? singing, acting, writing, reading

can you draw? nope

do you play an instrument? ukulele and a bit of guitar

what was the last concert you saw? hunter hayes in 2014

tea or coffee? tea

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? starbucks

do you want to get married? yeah, i’d like to

what is your crush’s first and last initial? JC

are you going to change your last name when you get married? maybe

what color looks best on you? i’ve been told dark green and blue?

do you miss anyone right now? yeah, my dog and family

do you sleep with your door open or closed? closed, i like to think that it keeps the bugs out

do you believe in ghosts? hell yeah

what is your biggest pet peeve? body odor

last person you called my dad

favorite ice cream flavor? vanilla or pistachio 

regular oreos or golden oreos? regular

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? rainbow sprinkles

what shirt are you wearing? not wearing a shirt ;) lol i’m actually just wearing a sweatshirt

what is your phone background? my date for prom and i

are you outgoing or shy? depends, if i’m with good friends, i’m outgoing, if not, i’m usually very very shy

do you like it when people play with your hair? not really

do you like your neighbors? not really

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? morning and night

have you ever been high? nope

have you ever been drunk? nope

last thing you ate? a granola bar for lunch

favorite lyrics right now literally the entirety of Waving Through a Window. like i relate to that so much it makes me cry half the time i listen to it

summer or winter? i guess summer, but i prefer fall to all seasons

day or night? day

dark, milk, or white chocolate? dark

favorite month? october

what is your zodiac sign cancer

who was the last person you cried in front of? probably my dad

[canaryatlaw]

Well, today was pretty good, if not terribly thrilling it was a good combination of relaxing and productive. Slept in which was lovely, and woke up at approximately 12:17 pm. Had some breakfast and hung out for a little while, then finalized my list and prepared for my trek to target. I needed to get gas bottle refills for my sodastream, so I had to go across town to target instead of just going to the grocery store right around the block from me, and while I'm there I might as well do my grocery shopping. It's a fine balance of catching buses at the right time to get there, there's like no one convenient way to get there, it has to be a combination of a few. It's basically southeast of me, and I have to find a way south and a way east. It's further south, so I normally end up taking a bus south and walking east, which isn't bad (it's about the same as my trek to the train for school). Of course it's absolutely gorgeous out today and I took my light jacket off and was just in a t shirt walking there and it was so glorious, I can't believe this is January when a few weeks ago it was below 20. I'm sure it won't last, but it's nice while it happen. So of course absolutely everyone is out and about today. Get to target, get my sodastream refills and then go to the grocery section. I had to stop myself from looking at the clothing because I literally have an overflowing dresser because I have SO much damn clothing it's really a problem, lol. They did have super cute pajama pants though. So I went through my list, which was mostly like, breakfast shit, instant meal shit, snack shit, and ice cream. That was basically it lol. I have what I need to make some big meals at some point, I just haven't really had a chance to make them yet, but I did pick up some more pasta and that sauce that goes really amazing with chicken and is super easy to make, so that should be good. And I basically just needed snacks for study fuel purposes, so those I got. One of my things of blueberries spilled off the check out belt while I was bagging, so I lost that haha but I said it was ok I still had one left and didn't really need the other. Whenever I bring my grocery cart thing with me and start filling it up at the checkout the person working it almost always comments like "wow, that thing is huge" because it fits a shit ton of groceries in it and it's super helpful haha, another good target purchase. On the way back managed to catch buses both ways, and when I got home I put everything away and then dove into my reading. I started with the reading for my nonprofit class since that's the first one of the week, but after like half an hour (and like 10 pages) I was quickly losing interest because it's just sooooo dry, like its like "ten effective strategies to managing the board of your nonprofit" like okay that's great but it's not particularly knowledge I need in my life right now...? And it's not like we're gonna get cold called on it because it's not that kind of class or reading really, so I started just skimming the paragraphs and headers for another like 15 minutes until I was through. I moved to trial ad next, but it turns out there wasn't any reading (it just said to review last week's reading, probably because it was like 200 pages) so I just had to do the problems we were assigned. So for this week I got assigned as the witness for one problem and the cross for another. The witness one is pretty basic, it's a contract case about a car purchase, not too much for me to have to know there. The one I'm crossing is a bit more complicated, mostly because it's under the header of "refreshing recollection" (which is when your witness can't remember their shit on the stand and you have to get something to remind them) but then for cross was like "oh assume he changed his statement, cross him on it" which brings things into impeachment territory and like, I know the mechanics of it from mock trial but that's kind of heading into a whole new world of stuff that I'm not all that certain in, lol. I'm sure it'll be fine, I'm not particularly worried, but it'll be interesting at least. Done with that I moved on to crim pro, figuring if I finish my reading today I can work on my larc assignment tomorrow (and not just because I really dread doing larc and want to put it off as long as possible) since I know I'll need more time for it, and I'm not sure how much I'll be able to get done on it during the week because my only real free day is Wednesday and I do have some other things to do then as well. Crim pro was fine, reading about case screening on a prosecutors level, judicial level, and grand jury level. The grand jury stuff was interesting, came with a lot of statistics of just how much grand juries indict, and how if a prosecutor doesn't want them to indict they almost never will, but prosecutors can use it as an excuse to not pursue a case they want to drop (think: Michael Brown and other situations where grand juries inexplicably failed to bring charges: it wasn't the grand jury's fault). So that was intriguing. I finished by 7:45, which was perfect because I wanted to be done by 8. I then worked on making some muffins, I was looking through a few similar recipes, basically all blueberry oatmeal muffins made with Greek yogurt, so I tried a new one today that was similar to the ones I made last week but didn't include any banana (I don't normally keep banana around anyway). They were the ones with the least amount of sugar, in fact they just use honey, so they didn't come out very sweet but they were still good. I was bad and didn't read the full blog post though that said not to use paper liners for them because they're low fat and will stick to the liners, but oh well I'll just have to peel them off. When I finished with those I turned on the last two episodes of a series of unfortunate events which I didn't find terribly entertaining, sadly, episodes 3-6 were definitely the best ones. The story just kind of went blah for me and the ending felt rather unsatisfactory just because it wasn't very certain by any means. Like I get it, they're not gonna have a happy ending, that's kind of the point of the whole thing, but it just felt like a very random place to close the series, or the season at least. I guess we'll see if it gets more episodes from here, I'd probably be willing to watch them. Somewhere along the line my roommate came home, and after those finished I had nothing left to watch so I let her pick and we wound up watching some episodes of the last season of the office, most of which I couldn't recall watching before. They were quite funny, I really did enjoy them. It was a good show in its time for sure, I wish we still had more comedies like it on tv instead of shit like the Big Bang theory that's just obnoxious. While watching we discussed different things, mostly the women's March and how sad we were that we didn't get to go. I don't know in all honestly if it would've been the best decision for me to go, I think I would feel awkward with some of it for certain reasons, but it at least made me sad to see it being all awesome and not being able to be there. 250,000 people showed up here in Chi, which is pretty amazing given that Thursday they were expecting like 50,000 (and that was up from like 25,000 on Tuesday). So we clearly had a good turn out. I love my city and how we all stick together so much, even if the government fails us we'll hold you accountable. I keep thinking back to how last year when I was walking home the police were arresting some people in a park, and across the street there was a very noticeable group of people standing there and very clearly watching, several with their phones on recording. To me, the message was very clear: we're watching, and if you don't hold yourselves accountable we will. And I feel like that goes for a lot of stuff in this city and I just love it. I was also talking with some people on Twitter about going to the heroes vs villains fan fest in Chicago at the end of March, which happens to fall on my birthday, and I think it would be super awesome to go, I just have to figure out a cosplay and obtain one, which is probably gonna end up being from some internet source since I have neither the time nor skills to make one myself lol. So we'll see what happens there. Oh, and the other thing was my 711 license came in the mail today, so I can officially start stepping up in court this week which is both awesome and completely terrifying, but I'm choosing to be excited about it (for now, anyway, things may change in the moments before it happens). But yeah, that was about it for me today. Church in the morning, hopefully service then nursery so I actually get to be in the service, it's been wayyyyyy too long and I miss hearing my pastor speak. Okay, sleep now being that I have to wake up in less than 7 hours. Goodnight my loves. Sleep tight.

[i-am-very-very-tired]

Faith says:APRIL 2, 2016 AT 5:57 PM

I also tried to go the natural route… this is my second year now, but my hair was honestly healthiest when I used to relax it. Now my natural hair just sheds so much and is super dit. regardless of what I do to it. My mind is made as I take off my braids in relaxing it. And shall be proudly rocking it.

Abigail Mai. says:APRIL 1, 2016 AT 11:21 AM

I know this post its old but I feel like I need to post a comment lol. I’ve been natural for three years but things are getting out of hand now, I just can’t do this anymore. I’m glad I found this blog. I’m planning to relax my hair tomorrow and get a pixie cut. I’m so nervous. Nice post! Your hair is gorgeous!

I am at my 3 year mark as well and I’m fed up..smh when yu relaxed what relaxer did you use.

Lauren says:APRIL 7, 2016 AT 10:25 AM Tips & materials before you relax your hair at home Relax your hair at home, by yourself, the RIGHT way! Dr. Miracle’s Feel It Formula Thermalceutical Intensive No-Lye Relaxer (Regular Strength)

So how did it go? Reading these comments, I think I have made up my mind. After almost 10 yrs of being natural, I hate it. It takes me up to 3 hrs to straighten it and it still looks a hot mess and all I can do is pull it back. I was looking at my pictures from college and I loved the relaxed look. So much easier in my opinion and my hands and arms don’t feel like they are going to fall off. Any pointers? I’ll prob just go back to the olive oil relaxer.

Kiki says:MARCH 24, 2016 AT 11:54 PM

Natural isn’t for everyone! My hair broke in the center and both sides while shedding everywhere else. So I cut it down to where it broke, half of my shoulder length hair, to start all over again. I did one Aphogee treatment, then a week later, hit it with ORS relaxer, problem solved! A year and a few months later, my hair is back down on my shoulders. I’ll never go natural ever again! Moisturizing shampoos & conditioners are a must!

Molly

says:FEBRUARY 28, 2016 AT 6:10 PM

Hi! In 2010 my hair fell out, and I spent the next year-and-a-half in weaves. 18 months later I’m natural and my hair is at my shoulders. It was pretty when straight, but would not stay. It would not hold a style. So I get a relaxer, and my hair starts shedding badly. (The bad reactions were caused my coconut oil as it made my hair dry and brittle, but I just found that out a few months ago) then I get psoriasis from an autoimmune condition so bad my scalp bleeds. So for another two years I stop relaxers. My hair kept shedding and getting dryer( too much protien) finally I went back to relaxers but only to loosen the curl. Now my styles stay. I’m still shedding from a chronic illness and the protien, but my hair is bra band length. Yesterday I went to a new salon, doctors orders, and the stylist said my “natural hair” is so healthy! And that I should let it all go natural. Well, none of it is natural! My ends are just straight because of a bad beautician. I relax my hair every four or so months to loosen the tightness and I love this method. Even the white girls raved after the beautician finished styling it. My hair when straight looks exactly like brand new weave, and I missed that when natural. I mean I could get it just as silky but it wouldn’t stay.. So texlaxsing is my ne strategy.

Lauren says:APRIL 5, 2016 AT 10:45 AM I’m so glad you were able to find something that works for you , even with those challenges!

CAH says:FEBRUARY 8, 2016 AT 7:41 PM

I’ve been natural off and on for over 10 years. This weekend I just texlaxed my hair because I wanted versatility. I wanted to be able to straighten my hair without all the excessive heat used when pressing natural hair but I also wanted to have a little texture left so I can still do my wash n’ go’s. It’s sad that we have to justify how we choose to wear our hair.

Deva says:FEBRUARY 2, 2016 AT 11:13 AM

Thanks for this. I’ve never felt threatened with the thought of going natural. I’m texlaxed and have been my whole life. I can honestly say that although i enjoy the look of natural hair, I don’t have time for the maintenance. My relaxer has done me well and I’ll keep that chemical in my head for as long as I can.

Micah says:JANUARY 15, 2016 AT 9:13 AM

I have been free from the creamy crack for 8 years but today I’m so over it I was frustrated with my hair was about to make an appointment for my hairdresser and I’m just like I’m so tired of this and then I said wait what am I trying to prove I’m going to go get me a relaxer and that’s exactly what I’m going to do! MY QUESTION is what relaxer should I use???? since it’s been so long I don’t want my hair to fall out

SincerelyAlexisJ

says:JANUARY 13, 2016 AT 5:16 AM

Omg , I’m so upset that I just found this post . But I’m extremely happy at the same time ! This post and all the comments made me realize that it’s okay to keep my relaxed hair and not feel bad about it because everybody’s on this natural kick! I had THICK just above my shoulder length hair all my life(I’m 25 now). In August , I noticed my hair just wouldn’t get bone straight anymore when I relaxed it , went through 3 different perms and it just wouldn’t get straight. And because I have such thick and hard to manage hair, it would look like I still needed a perm. So I let my sister in law talk me into going natural(SMH!). The first two times she washed and flat ironed my hair(two weeks apart) , it looked nice . Then it kind of went down hill from there . My hair became SUPER thick , the thickest I had ever seen it before , I could not comb through it , it wouldn’t lay down , it was super dry no matter what I would put on it , etc . Then I noticed that when she would flat iron it , it started looking thinner and thinner.

Towards the ending of November I noticed the back of hair completely broke off ! My mom and I were so upset with what was going on with my hair so by the end of December , I decided to go back to my perms. I permed my hair for the first time since August on January 4th(last Thursday) and while I was in the shower A LOT of my hair was coming out in clumps. Not big clumps , but still they were noticeable clumps. After my protein treatment and deep conditioner , I blow dried my hair and saw that my hair had broken off in the middle of my head as well , not as bad as the back though. Also , when I was “natural” , when I would TRY to comb it , a lot of hair would be let left in the comb.

I’m very inclined to believe that all that heat that was being put on my hair caused a lot of damage, as well as it being soo dry. So I have to admit while I was natural that is when I noticed my hair started to fall out.

What do you think I should do to get it back healthy and growing again ? I’ve always had thick and dry hair and I’ve always done deep conditioners every week to retain the moisture , so I know that’s a given. But what else? Please help me , I’m miss my hair so much!

[angrymuffin16]

All 104 questions?

Omg I'm ready to answer all these!1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say?'I love you' probably. Since that's my bf2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed?Dating him!3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care?Yes.4. Is your last name longer than six letters?Nope5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober?Sober6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up?No7. What does your last received text say?'❤❤' My bf and I are just sending hearts to each other lol8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?God, I've lost count, idk.9. Where was your last kiss at?At my front door10. When is the last time you saw your sister?Like an hour ago11. What do you drink in the morning?A monster probably12. Where did you sleep last night?In my bed13. Do you think relationships are hard?Yeah, a bit. I'm getting used to it. But to me, it's so worth it.14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you?No, don't think so15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?Not at all lol16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?Rainy17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?Nope, never met anyone with my middle name18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants?Jeans currently19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?I'd hope so20. Does anyone like you?My boyfriend is the only one lol21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S?No22. Is the last person you kissed gay?No lol23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand?Hmm I just don't like people in general, so I dunno.24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo?Yeah, idk maybe one day. 25. In the past week have you cried?Yeah just yesterday lmao. I cry often26. What breed was the last dog you saw? Pekingese27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower?Out of the shower28. Have you ever kissed a football player?No29. Do you think you’re old?No, but I feel old lol30. Do you like text messaging?Ehh not usually. It stresses me out so much when I don't get replies right away. Also I don't really have anyone to text other than my bf and brother. But I prefer texting to express my feelings, if something is hard for me to say face to face. Also I cannot handle phone calls, so I prefer texts to that. Except calls with my boyfriend, that's an exception, I prefer talking on the phone with him rather than texting.31. What type of day are you having?Kinda tiring. Worked at 7 this morning, so I'm tired. 32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?Nah33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather? Cold definitely!34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?My boyfriend. As well as my brother. Those are the first two that come to mind.35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling?Relationship hands down. I honestly don't think I could emotionally ever handle a fling. Mostly cuz I can't just fuck anyone, I have to be emotionally connected to the person and would want more than sex. Cuz there's more important things. Also, never had sex before, so there's that.36. Are you a simple or complicated person?Hm, complicated probably. Idk tho.37. What song are you listening to?All Night by Parov Stelar 38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it?Yes usually. I apologize constantly.39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?Hm no actually I don't think so. My sister knows a bit. Out of any girls I ever talk to, I probably talk to her the most. 40. What made you start liking the person you like now?Honestly.. most of it was his sense of humor, his voice, his laugh, his smile. I thought he was really cute when I first met him, but I was slightly scared of him, so I can't say when I actually started to like him. It didn't take long after we became friends that I developed a crush on him, I know that lol41. When did you last receive a text message?4 minutes ago my bf texted me he misses me42. What is wrong with you right now?Just super tired ugh. Also I am cold. And miss him a lot right now43. How well do you know the last female you texted?My sister.. so I'd say pretty well44. Does anyone disgust you?Hmm yeah kinda. At work I get customers that just gross me out, but idk anyone in particular45. Would you date someone right now if they asked?No. Honestly only want to date my boyfriend46. Are you in a good mood right now?I'm in a decent mood I guess. I'm tired... but my sister made potato soup for dinner, which is my favorite homemade meal, so I'm happy about that. Also listening to music, so it's not too bad.47. Who was the last person you talked to in person?My sister.48. What color shirt are you wearing?Blue, my favorite color.49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear?Lmao people tell me things I don't wanna hear every single day. Particularly my family was saying stuff yesterday that upset me and I didn't want to hear it.50. Anyone you’re giving up on?Besides myself? Nah.51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for?No. I love my bf, he's the only person I've ever fallen in love with.52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t?Nope53. Do you like rain?Love it, except that I wear glasses and it drives me crazy to have them rained on. 54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks?No55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?Yeah, I liked my bf before dating him, since I was 15. I'm 19 now and figured he'd never like me, so never really told him, I mean, until after he said he had a crush on me. 56. Do you like to cuddle?Omfg it's like my favorite thing in the world.57. Are you shy?Yeah 58. Do you get along with girls?Yeah usually. It's guys that are a bit harder for me to trust and feel comfortable with.59. Have you dated the person you texted last?Dating him lol 60. What do you carry with you at all times?My phone always. And I almost always have my bag with me, which has my medications and wallet, those are the other things I always feel I need. 61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you?Yeah omg 62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?Yeah 63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship?No. I began my first relationship in January of this year, so never dated anyone before that. 64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute?Ugh yes65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week?Last night I was texting my bf and basically told him how he's special to me and the only person I've ever wanted to fuck and the only person I've felt sexually attracted to and that made him happy and then we were being all lovey dovey and stuff, it made me super happy.66. How old are the last three people you kissed?I've only ever kissed my boyfriend. And he's 21.67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself?    Do them myself probably68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print?    Leopard probably, idk, not a fan of either really69. Do you have any stickers on your car?    I don't have a car lol70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne?  Lil Wayne, ugh but I don't like either at all71. Blackberry, Android, or iPhone?    Android72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut?    Hm problem not that long ago. I eat pizza often.73. Do you like diet soda? Yes usually I kinda prefer it. Depends on what I'm feeling though.74. What color are the walls in your room?    White75. Are you 16 or older?    Yep, 1976. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars?    No lmao77. Do you have a job?    Yep  78. What are your initials?    CRB79. Did you ever have braces?Yeah I had them for like 3 and a half years.80. Are you from the south?    Technically speaking, Virginia is south. But I don't really think that Virginia is very southern compared to other states. I guess idk81. What does your last status on facebook say?    I honestly dunno, I really hate fb82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed?    Dating him, of course lol83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad?    Hmm. My dad probably. Idk. I can get along better with my dad. But my dad isn't good at listening and talking about feelings, so in that aspect, I'm not that close to him. But I'm more emotionally closer to my mom, but we have a very stressed relationship.84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?No85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters?    I cannot remember. It's been a while lol86. Do you smoke?No, never have, never will.87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops?Ugh neither please. But I'd say flip flops. Both are bad tho lol88. Is your phone touch screen?Lol yes89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly?    I normally straighten my hair90. Have you ever snuck out of your house?    No I don't think so91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool?    Is none an option? Not a fan of swimming92. Have you ever made out in a car?No, but I would be down for it93. …Had sex in a car? Never had sex ever lol94. Are you single or in a relationship? In a relationship95. What were you doing last night at midnight?    Playing Bioshock and texting the boyfriend96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks?    Been like 2 years I think97. Do you like the camera on your phone?    Idk I don't take many pictures. I guess. It takes good pictures of my cats, so I'm happy with it98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits?    No and I wouldn't want to either99. Have you ever passed out from drinking?    Nope100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate?  No101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?    Lmao no102. Name your favorite Kesha song:Take it Off, prolly103. Do you have any tan lines right now?    Hahahahaha! Ha. No. I'm literally so pale, I look kinda sick, as I've been told. I don't tan.104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts?   Oh jesus noThank you so much!!