#doing a little ‘how did we get here’ Deadpool monologue

[frownyalfred]

another horny anon here… do you think bruce and clark would top the shit outta hal? Only one way to shut him up

Oh to be Hal Jordan…getting tag teamed by two of the hottest men in the Justice League because he wouldn’t shut up during a meeting…

[redvanillabee]

Deadpool & Wolverine reactions under cut (spoilers alert)

They should have led the multiverse saga with this movie.

Like, this is literally the only time since the multiverse saga began that I feel like the 'prerequisite readings' were worth it. The comic book roots and the many, many, many variations of Deadpool and Wolverine are addressed head on. We get direct and deep cut visual references: the Scarlet Witch temple, B-15 as a boss in the TVA, like I feel that yes, if I had specifically caught up with Loki TV for this movie, I would feel that effort has paid off. I was getting very tired of those very vague 'ah yes Kang has lived many lives' comments from, say, Quantumania.

And because they are actually leaning into the different branches of Marvel products and now uniting them under the Marvel Studios label, they actually properly acknowledged the legacy of these characters and how people feel about them. I loved those behind the scenes clips of old X-Men movies in the end credits. Properly acknowledge their past and exits. Admitting with their chest that yes, we probably won't see Ian Mckellen as Magneto in the MCU, but damn wasn't that a fun time.

(Instead of all this, oh will Tom Hiddleston return as Loki? We don't know! He doesn't know! He said he certainly enjoyed playing Loki for 10+ years! But we will never actually give this character and actor a proper celebratory exit because what if we want him back for a cameo five years later!)

Lady Deadpool really was Blake Lively. Twitter was right. Lol.

Sweary Chris Evans as Johnny Storm was so fun; it's so refreshing to see him as not Stoic Monologuing Cap in the MCU. It just wrong-foots you enough.

At this point is2g Krzeminski is the anchor being of the Agent Carter universe because how else do you explain the complete death and absense of anything Agent Carter in the main MCU. Did like the entire cast of AC/AOS just swear off Marvel permanently. When can we get at least a name drop. I'm desperate here Feige help.

*Logan starts downing a bottle of Jack Daniel's* Me: my boys are finally in the MCU 🥺🥺🥺

Jokes wise, I think the movie was trying a little too hard with the unserious, jokey social commentary angle. Like that whole 'oh my friend identifies as a feminist' thing. Like, look, I don't know what that achieves. To either side of the political spectrum those jokes just end up sounding very clowny. It's not as if Marvel has ever been considered the pinnacle of progressiveness (cutting out gay Russo in Endgame for certain markets? Throwing CM2 under the bus when it was released during a strike? Letting the fans beg for almost a whole ass decade for a Black Widow movie, only to release it when Natasha is canonically dead?) They really don't need those jokes.

All in all: some jokes were a miss, but handled the multiverse and comic book roots pretty well. 7.5-8/10.

[themculibrary]

Mature Rated Fics Masterlist 2

part one

Complimentary Colors (ao3) - zenkitty555 stephen/tony 32k

Summary: Tony Stark is learning how to let go and live a little after giving his all for so long. Stephen Strange is still trying to balance all of his duties and find some time for himself. When Tony has to give him some bad news, the two start to realize that they may be able to help one another out in a few different ways.

Compression (ao3) - NamelessDragon bucky/loki 102k

Summary: Bucky's been in Wakanda a while, trying to keep his head down and learn to enjoy life again in the wake of the removal of Hydra's programming.

Then one day he falls down a hole into a secret lab.

Things don't get easier from there.

Dissonance (ao3) - stuckybarnes peter/wade 121k

Summary: Wherein Deadpool is reluctantly hired to protect Peter Parker from an organization out to hunt him, with varying success on both ends and quite a lot of feelings, revelations, and identity crises.

Do No Harm (ao3) - AuroraWest, the_genderman loki/stephen 69k

Summary: When Loki stole the Tesseract from the Avengers, he hadn’t been trying to break the universe. Nor had he anticipated a wizard saving his life.

Now, Loki finds himself in the New York Sanctum, helping Stephen Strange hold the universe together—while he himself falls apart. But trouble finds the God of Mischief whether he invites it or not, and good things don’t last for Loki. As his universe crumbles and takes another with it, he’ll be faced with a choice: the greater good or the people he loves.

Halo (ao3) - paxlux loki/tony 35k

Summary: The timeline starts in a fall of glass. There’s a staggering loss of gravity as Tony stares up at the suddenly blue sky.

i'm fine all alone (but its nice to be here with you) (ao3) - soliloquent steve/tony 9k

Summary: “Steve is content with spending the holidays alone. Being alive in a safe world — that was reason enough to be grateful, however fleeting this sense of security might be.

He is more than surprised to learn that Tony plans on spending it alone, too.”

—⎊—

or: Two months after the Battle of Earth, Tony, grappling with post-retirement uncertainty and an identity crisis, invites Steve on a Christmas trip to Jamaica. 🍹

Kingdom Come (ao3) - soniclipstick (veriscence) clint/phil, steve/tony 85k

Summary: Clint can't let go of his guilt, Phil knows something isn't right about his resurrection, and everybody knows Nick Fury lies.

There's an epic love story in there somewhere, if only Clint and Phil could look up from their wallowing and see what they have right in front of their eyes.

Hawkguy-616-MCU mash up. Beware the continuity.

Revenant (ao3).- stele3 steve/bucky 73k

Summary: Post-movie AU in which Bucky didn’t just leave Steve on a river bank...he took him.

Rock Me Gently (ao3) - enigma731, invisibledaemon gamora/peter 479k

Summary: “She is our--She is Gamora,” Nebula says. “There is only one Gamora and I know her better than any of you do.” She pauses and glares at Peter, clearly challenging him to protest that. For once, he doesn’t dare. “This Gamora has jumped forward in time nine years, but she is the same person at her core. Just as you are the same despite not having experienced the last five years I did. We are all just--out of sync at the moment.”

Take Me Home (ao3) - dabblingwithwords steve/bucky, pepper/tony 78k

Summary: “I’m so sorry, I’m gonna help you I promise, just don’t move, fuck, I ran over Captain America–” the man apologized, over and over, and all Steve managed to say was, “You’re really attractive,” before passing out on the guy’s lap in the middle of the road.

Terrible Idea (ao3) - MountainRose, szzzt steve/tony 55k

Summary: Steve and Tony get captured by AIM. Steve can handle bad wine and worse monologuing, but when he gets back to the cell, Tony's not quite how he left him.

It doesn't slow them down much.

The Contract (ao3) - Laily loki/stephen 60k

Summary: An awkward dinner party brings Doctor Stephen Strange and Loki of Asgard together; though ill-at-ease, still they seek the company of each other, being the odd ones out. One wakes up somewhat rested, the other in the worst pain of his life.

Thor is not a happy camper.

The Last Love Song of Anthony E. Stark (ao3) - jibrailis steve/tony, loki/sif 42k

Summary: After contracting an Asgardian virus, Tony starts forgetting things. And people. And Steve.

The Road to Courage (By Way of San Francisco) (ao3) - Sproings steve/bucky 89k

Summary: A road trip with Bucky sounded great. Except for the corporate sponsorship. And the strangers who’d be going with them. And the way Bucky always said they were “practically brothers” when Steve wanted ...

He tried not to think about what he wanted.

It was going to be a long drive to California.

The Tears We Hold Back (ao3) - Scarlet_Black wanda/natasha 115k

Summary: After losing her brother and her home, Wanda moves in with the Avengers, where a friendship grows between her and Natasha - and eventually develops into something more. But life catches up with them when someone interferes with the missions Wanda goes on and Natasha finds out that the Red Room is still operating.

This is a slow burn, post AoU tower fic (that takes place in the Avengers compound).

the shadows of beasts and kings (ao3) - GrimRevolution 43k

Summary: madness /măd′nĭs/ noun

1) A defense against terror.

2) A defense against grief.

til the clocks run down (ao3) - andibeth82 clint/laura/natasha 257k

Summary: "I think I do love her."

The words don’t shock her -- not really, not when she lets herself think about it. She does believe that Clint hadn't been sure about how deep his feelings for Natasha went the first time he admitted his attraction to her. But Laura would have been a fool to believe there wasn’t something more developing, especially after being around them in the few times they’d visited together since Clint’s confession. It had been easy to tell how their partnership was becoming comfortable, a relationship as worn and cozy as the one Laura’s built for herself with the man she’s loved for almost eight years.

[the beginning, the middle, and the journey home]

Things Unseen (That Are Captured on Film) (ao3) - scifigrl47 steve/tony, clint/phil 41k

Summary: In which the Avengers discover the video footage of Tony testing the Iron Man armor, and that goes about as well as it could be expected. Steve Rogers attempts to make peace with his lover's rather cavalier attitude to his health and safety, and starts learning more about Tony's family along the way, both the one he was born into, and the one he's chosen. And, of course, the one that's chosen him.

Subtitled: It's all Clint's fault. No one is surprised.

Whatever you say darling (ao3) - XtaticPearl bucky/tony 9k

Summary: Tony has been trying to woo Bucky for about a year now. He flirts, he builds him things, he kisses him on the cheek after movie nights and does almost everything he can think of to convince the guy that he really wants to date him. Bucky is strangely steadfast in his answer though: No, they can't date. After an explosive argument about the issue, Tony leaves the Tower for Malibu, making the team wary of a moody Bucky. When he comes back after two weeks, things are a bit...different.

Tony is actually doing exactly what Bucky asks. And it is creeping the team out while making Bucky go crazy.

what pain it was to drown (ao3) - winteratdusk steve/bucky 37k

Summary: It was November of 1941, the air was bright and clear and cold, and Bucky was starting to feel like he was living at the end of the world.

Or, with the world at war, responsibility on his shoulders, and the draft looming closer by the day, Bucky's just trying his best to stay afloat. Drinking seems to help, until it doesn’t.

[the-desolated-quill]

Joker - Quill’s Quickies (No Spoilers)

Joker is proving to be an extremely divisive film. Some think it’s the best thing since The Dark Knight. Proof that comic book movies can be art too. Others think it’s pretentious Oscar bait with nothing interesting to say.

And that’s not to mention the controversy surrounding the film as people wonder whether this will incite violence in white men (which I’m not going to touch with a barge pole, at least not here. I’ll do a separate Scribble for that sheer nonsense at some point). Needless to say everyone and their mums have an opinion on Joker... so I guess one more, won’t hurt.

Whether you like Joker or not I think depends on your tolerance for a) films that deliberately set out to make you feel uncomfortable and b) films that ask you to feel pity for the devil. (and I want you to remember that word ‘pity.’ It’ll be important later on). Personally, I loved Joker. I think it’s one of the most unique and groundbreaking comic book films I’ve ever seen. If you don’t like it, that’s fine. I can actually understand why to a certain extent. However don’t try to spin this as some ideological thing because that’s just disingenuous and stupid.

Lets start with the obvious. Joaquin Phoenix. Give this guy a fucking Oscar, for the love of God! His performance was truly mesmerising, particularly when he does finally don the full clown makeup. He is the Joker. The mannerisms, the attitude, the nihilism, it all just works. There’s even a monologue near the end of the film that could have been lifted straight out of the comics. This is a film that not only depicts the Joker perfectly, but also completely understands the character too.

The rest of the cast is exceptional too. Robert de Niro plays a chat show host who Joker looks up to and he does a good job. Deadpool 2′s Zazie Beetz plays a small but pivotal role as Sophie, Joker’s next door neighbour and ‘love interest’ and she’s excellent too despite having quite a small amount of screen time. Frances Conroy plays Joker’s mum Penny. Again a relatively small role, but a crucial one and she gives a memorable performance. Finally there’s Brett Cullen as a very different interpretation of Bruce Wayne’s father Thomas Wayne, which I think works extremely well in the context of this film and creates exciting possibilities for this world’s version of Batman, which we’ll probably never get to see because this is intended as a one off. Not that I’m complaining. I wouldn’t want them to do a sequel. This works perfectly as a standalone piece.

As I said, the supporting cast actually play a minor role overall as the film follows Arthur Fleck exclusively. The man who would be Joker. It’s a bit hard to talk about why I think this film works without giving away spoilers, so I’ll focus on how it made me feel.

Joker is an extremely tense movie. Todd Phillips’ stellar direction puts you in the mindset of the character and Hildur Guonadottir’s incredible music really elevates the film’s more disturbing moments. In fact (and I suppose you could call this a trigger warning), I did actually suffer from an anxiety attack halfway through the film because you’re constantly on a knife edge. As Arthur’s life falls apart, we see him become more violent and erratic to the point where he becomes legitimately frightening. Fear is of course subjective. I’m sure most of you have more of a spine than I do. But if you do suffer from any kind of anxiety, I would recommend psyching yourself up before you watch this and maybe have a friend or relative on hand to comfort you if it starts to get a bit much.

Seriously, I’m not kidding. Joker is an extremely uncomfortable experience and it’s unrelenting in how grim and unsettling it is. It’s R rated, but it’s not necessarily gory. It’s not as violent as, say, Deadpool, but its more bloody moments often come rather suddenly and with a lot of tense buildup beforehand. While it does bear similarities to movies like Taxi Driver and The King Of Comedy, those films have the audience on the outside looking in. Joker on the other hand takes the audience and locks them inside the Clown Prince of Crime’s mind for two hours straight, and quelle surprise, it turns out the inside of Joker’s mind is fucking horrible. Viewer beware.

Okay, okay. I guess I can’t avoid it altogether. Do I think this film is dangerous? No. Do I think it insults those with mental health issues? No, in fact quite the opposite. I found the film to be quite sympathetic towards the mentally ill, presenting Arthur as being a dark outlier, not the norm. Do I think the film is making some sort of political statement. Again no. I honestly don’t think it’s saying anything about white people or toxic masculinity or gun violence or anything like that. In fact, if it is saying anything at all, it condemns those who seek to hijack a public figure for their own political agenda (which ironically is exactly what the press are doing with this very movie, but of course critics and journalists can’t see that because they have no self awareness what so bloody ever). The film is what it is. An extremely dark character study of arguably the most famous villain of all time.

Some have criticised the film as being too predictable, which I personally don’t think is a particularly valid critique. Like, yeah, of course it’s predictable. We all know what’s going to happen in the end. The fucking title kind of gives it away. It’s execution that counts, and Phillips and co have done a fantastic job in my opinion. As for those who complained that this film is cynical and nasty and made them feel numb afterwards... I mean... I honestly don’t know what you were expecting. Of course you’re feeling numb. That’s what the film wants you to feel. It’s cynical and nasty because the central character is cynical and nasty. That’s like criticising a comedy for being funny.

Honestly, if I had any complaints, it’s that I think they do paint the story with broad strokes, leaving very little room for subtlety. But having said that, this is based on a comic book about a billionaire who fights psychotic costumed criminals at night whist dressed as a bat. I don’t think subtlety has much of a place here.

Finally I just want to briefly touch on the concern that this film might make the character too sympathetic. First of all, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Some villains can actually become scarier when we as an audience can empathise with them and understand their motives (see Killmonger in Black Panther). Second, and most importantly, Arthur Fleck/Joker is not a sympathetic character. Yes I did feel pity for him at times, but that’s not the same thing as sympathy. Like I said, this film completely understands the Joker. There are occasions where you do feel sad for the character and wish he could have got the right help, but most of the time (and the film emphasises this throughout) he’s presented as being a deeply disturbed and maladjusted individual and at no point is his behaviour ever justified. Instead it’s presented as being almost inevitable. That in a city as terrible as Gotham, what else could Arthur have become? Joker is a tragic character, but he’s not in anyway likeable.

I would definitely recommend you go and see this movie, especially if, like me, you’ve gotten sick of the slew of formulaic comic book movies and convoluted shared universes. If Joker is indeed going to be the first of an anthology series focusing on telling low budget, character driven, standalone, experimental films, then it’s a very strong start. Whether you liked Joker or not, the fact of the matter is the success of this movie can only mean good things for Warner Bros, DC, the comic book movie genre and the industry going forward, so please go and see this film.

[imbumkyung]

I Saw It In A Movie One Time (ch.2) - reincarnation

Chapter 1

Chapter 3

“She’ll be okay,” the man said

Kaileia lay on a towel that CJ and Miko set up. A man that was out surfing saw Kai getting washed up by the ocean and quickly pulled her out

“She probably just took in some water and passed out from shock but she’ll be good,” He finished, offering a nod to her friends.

“Oh, okay. Thank you so much,” Miko smiled before he went on his way, his wetsuit and board leaving a wet trail behind him. She was thankful they didn’t need 911 because to be real honest here, they were all broke as heck.

Not too long later Kai coughed a few times before waking up.

“Dude are you okay?” CJ asked

“Yeah I’m fine I just have a headache right now,” Kai replied, her voice filled with fatigue.

“Oh my god I thought you died,” Melissa said, half joking.

-

Kaileia didn’t remember what happened the rest of that night, only that Miko let her sleep over at her place. So when she awoke the next morning in a room that wasn’t hers, it wasn’t alarming at all.

What was alarming though was that she was asleep way longer than she thought she’d be. Usually she slept in until it was about ten to eleven a.m. Now, it was already two p.m. She stayed in bed for a little nonetheless, her inner monologue explaining the tasks of the day: walk the dogs, go to the gym, get that TB test and fingerprint scan done so you can start working soon. Mustering up as much leg strength as she could, she got up to go get ready for the day. She searched for her backpack with her change of clothes, toothbrush, toothpaste and all her other things, the only thing missing was her phone for her morning music. Puzzled, she couldn’t find it anywhere in her bag and come to think of it, she’d never seen this room in Miko’s house before. And the day looked a lot more glum than the usual Kauai sun.

“Miko? Have you seen my phone?” She questioned aloud enough for her to hear if she was downstairs. To no avail, she tried again, “Miko?”

Silence

Did Miko have somewhere to be this morning? She couldn’t call her without a phone so she figured she’d find a house phone and made her way downstairs. As soon as she openned the door of the bedroom, she froze

I have no idea who’s house this is.

A white hallway with a room straight across, a bathroom to the right and a staircase to the left. Carefully going down the staircase she was even more shocked and afraid— I really don’t know who’s house this is.

She found a smaller sized kitchen and a living room next to it, big enough to fit two couches and a TV, the front door on the upper right corner.

She picked up the house phone hanging right by the kitchen, only to realize she didn’t even know Miko’s number— it was saved to the cell phone she couldn’t find. Was I kidnapped? Am I in a murderer’s home?

Call mom, you idiot

Her hands scrambled in panic as she dialed her moms number,

“You have reached the voicemail box of pause Susie May, please leave a message! At the to—”

Who the fuck is Susie May? Spotting a pair of car keys on the table, Kaileia didn’t know where she was going, or what she would do, but she needed to get out of this murderer’s house as fast as she could. She ran up the stairs, her knees quivering from fear she paid as least mind to as she possibly could, grabbed her backpack, took the keys and ran outside. Walking as fast as she could, she smashed the lock button until she heard a beeping from one of the cars. Discovering which car the key belonged to, she put it in ignition and drove.

Nothing was familiar. Absolutely nothing. The island she lived on was small enough for her to have explored it all as she lived there for a whole 19 years, so it made no sense she’d never seen this place before. Her conclusion: the kidnapper took her to a land unknown. And she couldn’t go back to that house. Ever.

She made a right, and a left, and another right, trying to find something familiar. It took one wrong right at a stop light she didn’t realize— and a cop was right there. He signaled for her to pull over, most likely to ticket her for this minor mistake. Kai sighed— this is the last thing right now. I’m literally fleeing my kidnapper.

She rolled down her window, “Is there a reason you didn’t stop at the stop sign, ma’am?” The officer in black sunglasses asked. There was no reason for the sunglasses, really.

She shook her head, still in shock from everything that’s happened, especially from being questioned by a cop— the last time something like this happened, she had to pay so much money to fix her own car, and still needed to pay because the lady she crashed into went to physical therapy— taking the advice of her claims assistant, even tho Kai had left nothing more than a crack of paint on said lady’s car. In short, Kai wasn’t ready to be broke all over again.

“License, registration and insurance, please,” He requested.

She nodded, and scrambled the compartment to look for the information she knew she didn’t have. It surprised her though, she did find the registration and insurance. She left that into her lap to find her license in her backpack. She froze. It had her name and her picture but it was missing the rainbow and the blue letters reading “Hawaii”. It was instead a normal creme colored background and read “Washington” across the top. She scrambled back to the registration and insurance in her lap— both under her very own name. She couldn’t think. Shakily and obviously very nervous, she handed all three documents to the officer.

He received them with a nod, then took them to the police car, most likely to run her records. But how is this car under her name? How did she end up in Washington, and why Washington? What the fuck was here, that brought her here? Theres literally no reason to be here. It’s cloudy, it’s cold, it’s depressing.

He brought all three back to her, “Well there’s nothing on your record, and I’ve decided I’ll let you off with a warning,” he concluded.

Kai sighed gratefully, “Thank you so much Officer”

“You be careful now,” he advised, and his radio went off

“Chief Swan, do you copy?” A man said over the system

He nodded to her before dismissing her. She let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding.

Washington. I’m in Washington. What am I doing in the mainland? How is this car mine? Everyone here dresses weird. Could it be, that the house is also mine? Don’t be stupid. You might fall into the murderer’s trap. You should have told the officer while you had the chance. I mean you still do, technically. They haven’t moved and neither have you.

Maybe we could just check? You’re seriously gonna take a chance on death? Maybe.

Without thinking, she circled around the town before going back to the house she woke up in. It was now 6pm. If the murderer was to return, they’d have surely been home by now, right? But the sight she saw in front of her house was anything but a murderous aura. It was a father and his son riding on his little tikes bicycle in front of the drive way, just passing through. Warily but quickly, she walked to the front door, the umbrella she found in the back seat now in her right hand, ready to stab whoever it was that was gonna grab her as soon as she opened the door— only there was no one. All she saw was the house with everything in the exact position it was left.

I should call 911

She quickly searched for any cabinets until she found one filled with documents, proving ownership of the house, so she’d have an address and hopefully a name to provide whoever would assist her on the other line. Only for her heart to stop after reading the name of the homeowner: Kaileia Mahelona

Brows furrowed and eyes wide, she read the name over and over again, searching for any documents to prove otherwise but— nothing. Did this house belong to her? She stood frozen in that spot, no reaction, no other thoughts, just her trying to grasp onto the concept that this is either all some sick joke, a dream, or she is actually in another reality. Maybe I was reincarnated early?

Kaileia stalked across the kitchen and grabbed the remote, turning on the TV. None of the news was out of the ordinary— well at least for someone who didn’t pay too much attention to the news regularly. Immigration protests, some world cup final, tainted spinach and the shocking news on the Crocodile Hunter’s death. Surely they meant his death anniversary.

No. It was his actual death. With a photo of him and the words underneath reading “Steve Irwin, 1962-2006”

Two-thousand what now?

“This ain’t it, sis” she whispered, hands of stress running through her hair. She shook her head in disbelief.

Definitely not real. Wake up Kai, come on wake up. If it’s 2006, you’re literally six years old right now.

Her peripherals caught a computer she hadn’t seen there before. From there, she discovered that she was actually in Forks, Washington, it was definitely 2006, and that the Marvel universe exists here. So talking about Spiderman wouldn’t make her look like a mad man. Which is great, because she loves Spiderman. Also Deadpool. Okay that’s besides the point.

“What am I to do? I don’t think I have a job and I’m definitely not in school,” she thought to herself. Without a second thought, she left the house yet again and drove.

“Another hiker presumed dead, searches still going on for the killer animal—” a voice on the radio spoke. Killer animals? What the hell is going on, Forks? Distracted by her thoughts while driving along the never ending path along the mountain, a wolf suddenly ran across about 50 feet from her, still close enough for her to register that this was in fact NOT a normal sized wolf. It was about five times the size of what she’d expected.

She rounded a corner and caught sight of a party. “Forks High School Prom” a giant banner read across the entrance of the venue. She decided to park here, the lights were a pretty sight as she tried to pay no mind the awkward couple dancing in the middle of the lawn. The girl wore a purple dress with a boot and the boy with a suit on, skin paler than the Korean pop stars her friend Miko was obsessed with. It looked like that scene from Twilight. She was unknowingly staring— he dipped her low and placed a soft kiss on her neck. Another action that reminded her of the twilight movie. Kaileia hadn’t seen it since Elementary school.

The couple were about to exit the canopy when Kai thought, “careful girl, he’s probably a vampire”. It was only a joke, alluding to the Twilight movie that happened in Forks with this exact ending scene when the boy froze. He turned in the direction of Kaileia’s car and— ah shit.

“Can he hear me? How did he know to look exactly where I’m at?” She panicked

There’s no way this is happening. Hurriedly, she started the car and drove off.

Was that Edward Cullen? Was that really them? It has to be a real coincidence. Twilight is fiction. It’s literally cringe culture. But it could also explain that big ass wolf that jumped out of nowhere. It would explain why that girl looked so much like Bella.

Kai decided she couldn’t say or think anything about what she knows anymore. Edward can definitely hear her thoughts.

I can’t change the storyline. Everyone made it out alive at the end of Breaking Dawn. Don’t change that. I could die here. But if I died here would I go back to my old life? Possibly. It happened to that girl in Scarlet Heart: Ryeo.

Kai, that was a kdrama.

Twilight was a movie series!

Touché.

All I have to do is survive. Don’t change the story lines. Try not to get involved.

She parked the car in the driveway this time instead of across the street, rounding the corner to the door but froze as she saw the same boy who was just dancing at the prom.

“Can I help you, sir?” She asked him, trying her best to project her voice and mask her timidness

He turned, his eyes going first then the rest of his body behind him, “Hi, I’m Edward Cullen”

She nodded, “Hi. What are you doing here?” She asked, wanting to get straight to the point

He paused, realizing he didn’t prepare a lie to tell her and having no real justification besides “I heard your thoughts. How do you know what I am?” Of course, he didn’t say this out loud, he can’t jump to conclusions and expose his kind. Instead, he excused, “I must have gotten the wrong house.”

Kai nodded, keeping her thoughts silent and slipping past him, rushing to get inside and lock the door. She let out an exhale of relief after being inside.

He’s onto me.

Tags: @sunflowerspectre

Thank you for reading!

[mst3kproject]

Night of the Ghouls

Night of the Ghouls is a film with a troubled history.  It was intended as the sequel to Bride of the Monster, and it includes some familiar faces such as Paul Marco as Officer Kelton and Tor Johnson returning as Lobo.  Apparently Ed Wood shot it and sent it to be developed, but the people at the lab (perhaps wisely) wouldn’t let him pick it up until he’d paid for it in full.  He couldn’t afford that, so it just sat there accruing late fees until producer Wade Williams came across it and decided to release it on video in 1984.  I don’t know why, but it seems oddly fitting that a lost Ed Wood movie should be rescued by a guy who is almost, but not quite, Deadpool.

Lieutenant Bradford is forced to cancel a date so he can investigate renewed weird goings-on at the Old House on Willows Lake. Somebody seems to have rebuilt the place after lightning burned it down and destroyed Dr. Vornoff’s monsters, and the new old house is haunted by two ghosts; a woman a torn white gown, and another in a crown and black veil.  When Bradford arrives, he meets Dr. Acula (subtle), psychic for hire.  If you’ve lost a loved one, he’ll get you back in touch – for a price, of course!  Bradford thinks it smells like a con, and he’s right… mostly.  Not all of Acula’s ghosts are fake, and they’re not happy about being used for a scheme, either!

While all this goes on indoors, outside Officer Kelton is cowering in his car and shooting at ghosts.  I think this is supposed to be comic relief, but it is neither.

Night of the Ghouls gets off to a pretty slow start.  It begins with a series of confusing events involving an elderly couple’s ghostly encounter and the beginning of the police investigation into it.  Bradford and the chief have one of those uniquely Ed Wood conversations in which there are a lot of words but very little information actually reaches the audience.  Once Bradford, still in his tuxedo, heads out to the New Old House, things pick up quite nicely.

I’m not entirely sure how this works, because stuff goes on happening very slowly.  The stupid séance Acula holds in his basement lasts forever.  Bradford sneaks off to look around the house and finds nothing of any importance, while Kelton tries desperately to summon help and nobody at the police station believes him.  The direction remains quite dull, mostly just static shots of people talking to each other.  It ought to be boring, but it’s not.

Partly this is because each scene is full of little events that are actually pretty funny.  The séance in particular is a real hoot, with a trumpet floating in the air and a guy in a bedsheet dancing around to bizarre sound effects.  The living people sit down the left side of the table, across from a line of skeletons in wigs that are never explained. Bradford opens a door and finds a mysterious woman who smiles creepily and beckons to him – he flees, and we never find out what that was all about, either.

Mostly, however, what saves the movie is the fact that there is a story going on, and once it gets started it’s a very straightforward one.  Acula is presenting himself as a psychic in a haunted house.  We quickly learn that he’s actually a shyster and the ‘white lady’ is his girlfriend Sheila in a gown and makeup.  The ghost of a woman’s husband appears, advising her to re-marry – her new boyfriend, who wants her money, has paid Acula to make it happen. We know who the good guys are and why, and we know who the bad guys are and why, and we’re eager to see how it all plays out.

The ending is a surprise, but unusually for an Ed Wood movie you don’t see it coming.  I had noticed that the ‘black lady’, the ghost in the crown and veil, had never been mentioned by Acula – Kelton shoots at her with no effect, and Sheila is afraid of her.  All the signs point to her being a real ghost who isn’t happy with people intruding on her eternal unrest.  Surely Acula is going to end up like the inevitable kissing teenagers at the beginning of the film, strangled and left in the woods.

But that’s not what happens.  The ghosts of the people Acula has been pretending to summon appear instead, and lock him in a coffin to suffocate in revenge for him using their names to bilk their living relatives!  And you know what?  It works.

In The Screaming Skull, Marion’s ghost appearing at the end came out of nowhere, and while it was nice to see her speak for herself, we’re kind of expecting it to be just another trick. So far, all the ghostliness in this movie has been fake, so why should a real ghost suddenly intrude?  In Night of the Ghouls, we have seen a real ghost, one who is obviously different from Acula’s fake ones, so the vengeful spirits at the end aren’t completely out of left field.  And like Marion, these ghosts have a reason to be angry at their target.  They’ve been used, the living have suffered, and they’re mad about it.  It’s also nicely ironic that Acula, who doesn’t actually believe in ghosts, is killed by them.

Which is not to say that the ‘black lady’ doesn’t get her moment, too.  If she never did anything in the end, I’d have been annoyed, but she gets to take care of Sheila.  Having spent half the film terrified of ghosts, Sheila ends up becoming one. It’s not quite as satisfying as Acula’s death but it still works pretty well.

There’s other surprisingly good stuff going on here, too.  For an Ed Wood movie, Night of the Ghouls makes some admirable attempts at continuity. The story doesn’t really have anything to do with Bride of the Monster, but it clearly positions itself in the same world a few years later.  They account for the fact that the house burned down in Bride of the Monster by explaining that Acula had it rebuilt, and half of Lobo’s face is scarred from that fire.  Bradford spends so much time thinking about his prior investigation and comparing what he sees now to what he saw then, we almost forget he wasn’t actually in the previous movie.  The reason Acula set up shop where he did is because the thing with Dr. Vornoff and his monsters means the location comes with pre-existing spoop.

The effects are not good, but there’s nothing nearly as pathetic as the lifeless rubber octopus from Bride of the Monster, and in a way the badness works to the movie’s advantage.  The floating instruments and sheet-clad specters in Acula’s séance are supposed to look fake, because they are.  The two ghosts, the black and white ladies, actually look kind of spooky, but we cannot tell until we’re told which of them is real and which is fake, so that’s a nice way of keeping us hanging.  The ‘storm’ effects are standard for the period.

Honestly, the worst thing in Night of the Ghouls isn’t any of the usual Ed Wood suspects.  The actors are pretty bad but the only obnoxiously terrible one is Paul Marco as Kelton.  There’s nothing to compare to the bizarre scene with the captain and his bird from Bride of the Monster or the pie pan saucers from Plan Nine from Outer Space.  Once we’re through the opening scene, the dialogue is mostly free of blinding idiocy.  No, the worst thing in Night of the Ghouls is the narrator.

We’ve been through a number of movies together that have a deep and portentous fifties man voice trying to clarify (or, in the case of Beast of Yucca Flats, obfuscate) the events.  Night of the Ghouls goes a step further and actually introduces us to the man telling the story, and he, too, is a familiar face – it’s Criswell!

You’ve met Criswell if you’ve ever seen Plan 9 from Outer Space, which opened with him sitting at a desk giving a rambling speech about how future events like these will affect you in the future (Joel sent this up with the ‘KTLA Predicts!’ sketch in War of the Colossal Beast).  Night of the Ghouls is the same idea, but even more so.  Criswell is introduced not behind a table, but sitting up from lying in a coffin, and his nonsensical speech goes on in intermittent voiceovers throughout the movie.  It’s not quite as incoherent as The Beast of Yucca Flats but at times it comes damned close.  Elsewhere we get Bradford’s inner monologue, which is another step up the relevance scale… but still not quite there.

Ed Wood made several movies about how crime doesn’t pay, and Night of the Ghouls can definitely be considered one of those. It is also, however, a film about respect, not just for the living but for the dead.  Acula does not respect the living, as he tells them lies and cheats them of their money.  He also does not respect the dead, putting words in their mouths and using them as tools in his scheme.  At the end, both groups are closing in on him.  He believes he has outwitted the living, the policemen and his victims, but at the last moment it is the dead who take their bloody revenge.

I had a pretty good time watching Night of the Ghouls.  Each of Ed Wood’s movies is rather charming in its own idiosyncratic way, but this is the one that probably comes closest to being good.  It doesn’t quite make it, of course, but the effects are as good as they need to be and the story mostly makes sense, and for an Ed Wood film that’s high praise.  As a bonus, it’s the rare sequel that you can understand without having had to see the original first!

[awinchestershell]

Whumptober Day 5: Gunpoint

Tony had to admit, this isn’t the first time he’s woken up somewhere new, confused and dizzy. And it probably won’t be the last time either. Back in his twenties this was basically his morning routine. But Tony knew what a hangover felt like, and this definitely wasn’t it.

No. This felt like drugs. But Tony never did drugs. Okay, fine, yes he did some recreational drugs in his twenties, but he likes to pretend that never happened. But this wasn’t marijuana. This was something much stronger.

Was he drugged? Yeah, that made sense. That would at least explain the course rope wrapped tightly around his wrists, pinning them together behind his back. Which he was just now noticing.

Finally paying attention to his surroundings, he noticed that there was also rope binding his ankles to the legs of the chair he was sitting in. Tony sighs, lifting his head to look around the room.

He was expecting to find an empty concrete room, maybe with some disturbing tools or something.

What he wasn’t expecting to find, was Peter Parker himself sat in a chair across from him. Peter was in a similar position to Tony, the only difference being that Peter was bound with what he could only assume was vibranium, instead of rope.

Tony feels a rock settle in the pit of his stomach. Clearly these people knew about Peter’s powers, that was never good. Tony’s mind was screaming danger danger danger at him, and he forced himself to stay calm and get his bearings.

“Peter. Kid, can you hear me?” Peter hums quietly in response, clearly still out of it. But that didn’t make sense.

Peter had a much faster metabolism than Tony, he knew that for sure. So how could Tony have woken up first. Unless of course they knew this and gave Peter a much higher dose. That was the only logical reason.

“Peter, I need you to wake up, okay?” Tony calls to him, watching as Peter weakly raises his head and squints at the light.

“Mr. Stark?” He asks, and Tony smiles even though the kid can’t see it.

“Yeah, kid. It’s me. Are you hurt?” Peter shakes his head lazily, and Tony is starting to get worried. Peter’s metabolism should’ve burned through this stuff already.

But he isn’t given much time to worry, because suddenly a man is moseying in, a grin on his face. Tony glares up at the man.

“Good morning Stark. Mr. Parker. How are we today?” The man asks politely, smiling innocently.

“Let’s skip the pleasantries, shall we? Who are you? And what do you want?” Tony snaps bluntly, his anger festering.

“Well, I guess there’s no harm in telling you my name. It’s Jared. Jared Platt. As for what I want…” The man- Jared- let’s his sentence fall off at the end, placing a hand on Tony’s shoulder and leaning in real close.

“I want your cooperation Tony. That’s all.” The man is smiling, and he’s close enough that Tony can tell he’s recently drank coffee.

“Cooperation in what?” Tony asked carefully, not taking his eyes off Jared.

“Well, that’s a long story. You see, I have a meeting with a very powerful, very dangerous old friend next Thursday. That’s 6 days from today. And my plan is to betray him and kill him. But the problem is, I’m not sure he can be killed.” Jared was monologuing now, and Tony found himself slumping in his chair, resigned to listen to this speech for the next 7 hours.

“So what I need from you is for you and Peter over here to find a way to kill him. And yes, I know all about Peter and his powers. But Spider-Man isn’t who I’m interested in. I want Peter because I know he’s just as smart as you. So maybe he’ll be helpful. Using him as leverage is simply a bonus.” Jared backs away from Tony, moving to stand next to Peter, who has fallen back asleep.

He pulls a gun from his hip, immediately pointing it at Peter’s head.

“Hey! Don’t you dare touch him.” Tony growls, fighting the ropes.

“Are you going to help me? Or do I have to kill this kid?” Jared asks, raising an eyebrow in question.

“Yes! Okay, yes! I’ll help you. Just don’t hurt him.” Tony yells, and Jared smiles and lowers his gun.

​“Good. Now I’m gonna untie you two, and I’ll send in my scientist friend so he can explain Andrew’s powers, and then you two get to work.” Jared moves to untie Tony, and as soon as he’s free he rushes to Peter. Jared releases the vibranium cuffs holding Peter’s wrists, and the kid slumps forward into Tony’s arms. Tony catches him, and he moves him onto the floor.

It's hours before Peter wakes up. And when he does he's extremely groggy and confused.

”Peter! Kid, hey. How do you feel?” Tony asks helping Peter sit up.

“Like I got hit by a bus. What happened? Where are we?” Peter glances around the room nervously, before his gaze settles on Tony.

“Some guy named Jared wants us to figure out how to kill his old friend. Apparently this guy is one tough cookie to take down, and he expects us to figure it out.” Now that he’s repeating the story, Tony realizes how ridiculous this situation is.

​“Can we? Figure it out, I mean.” Peter seems genuine, and Tony has to really think about that one.

“I’m not sure yet. Jared’s friend is coming to explain more about this Andrew guy, and I guess that’s when we’ll find out.” Tony answers honestly.

Another two hours later, and a short man in a lab coat enters their room.

“Greetings gentlemen. My name is Boyd, I’m here to explain to you Andrew’s history, in order to help you kill him.” Boyd seems nervous, and Tony doesn’t blame him. He’s currently locked in a room with Spider-Man and Iron Man, and he looks weaponless.

“Before you think about attacking me, there are several guns in the walls of this room, and they are programmed to shoot Mr. Parker, if any harm comes to me or Jared.” Well there goes that plan.

“Andrew is a very talented young man. He has an IQ of over 175, and he has the gift of controlling electricity. Which isn’t even to mention his teleporting and regeneration abilities. Have you two heard of Deadpool?” Boyd asks, and Tony and Peter make eye contact, before looking back at Boyd.

“We’ve heard rumors.” Tony admits, wondering if this guy is trying to tell him that Deadpool is real.

“Then you’ll have heard of his remarkable regeneration abilities. How he can come back to life as long as only one single cell of his body remains intact. We believe his stem cells are highly advanced, beyond anything anyone has ever seen. If we could only shut them down, maybe that would stop his body from repairing itself.” Boyd continues, glancing down at the chart in his hands.

“Andrew is very similar. Our only idea so far was acid, but he seemed to bounce back from that in less than 48 hours. We need you two, to come up with a better plan. One that will destroy him for good.” Boyd finally finished, giving Tony and Peter a smile, before scurrying back out of the room.

“Well if his stem cells immediately replace any damaged or missing cells of any type, then how on earth are we supposed to kill this guy?” Tony asks, genuinely confused.

“I’d suggest just chopping his head off, but if his stem cells really are that advanced, it’s highly possible that his head would grow back on one body and his body would grow out of the head and suddenly there’d be two of him. Of course one of them would have no memories because you can’t regrow memories so he’d have to take a minute to relearn how to walk, and that can be a real pickle, not to mention that he wouldn’t even know his own name, or how to speak, or what earth is, or even how to breathe, but I’m assuming he can’t suffocate to death, although that is a possibility we should look into-”

“Kid!”

Peter had started rambling. Spouting out any information he could think of that related to this topic.

“What?” Peter asked, looking up at Tony in shock.

“I know all of that. We need to think of something we don’t already know.”

The two mulled it over for hours. Hours turned into days, and suddenly it was Wednesday.

They were given food and water, and bathroom breaks four times a day, but for the most part they stayed in their little room, sometimes actually forgetting the machine guns planted in the wall singling in on Peter’s head at all times.

They’d made little to no progress, and Tony was getting very stressed out. Peter just seemed frustrated. Like he expected himself to have solved this already.

“TBI!!” Peter suddenly shouts, turning to Tony with exhausted excitement.

“I’m sorry?” Tony asks, his eyes wide with shock.

“TBI! Today body irradiation. It’s been used for years to kill diseases like Leukemia. In Leukemia, the patient produces the wrong kind of blood cells. Those bad blood cells are created by stem cells in the person’s bone marrow!” Peter is rambling again.

“To treat Leukemia, one option is to get rid of all the stem cells in the bone marrow so that there are no cells left to produce the bad blood cells. Doctors do this by exposing the patient to high enough radiation to literally kill off all the stem cells. Now of course we’re not trying to cure Andrew of Leukemia, but the principle is the same. If we wipe out Andrew’s stem cells, we wipe out his healing ability!” Peter shouts, practically bouncing up and down with excitement.

“Peter Parker! You’re a GENIUS!! That could actually work!” Tony praises the kid, pulling him into a hug.

“Now of course we’d need a lot of radiation, and I mean a LOT, because of Andrew regenerates as fast as they say he does, the lethal dose for humans might not be the same for him. I’m talking at least 30 gray. Because we need him to experience the symptoms immediately. But how on earth do we produce 30 gray of radiation? Hospital radiation machines go up to 6-8 at most.” Peter keeps talking, and Tony keeps listening because the kid is really on to something.

“Now the radiation won’t kill him horribly fast, but if we’re really talking 30 gray here, his stem cells should be gone within three minutes, and then we can kill him however we want and he should, theoretically, stay dead.” Peter finishes his rant, seeming pretty proud of himself. And you know what? Tony was too.

“Jared! Hey! We figured it out!” Tony shouts, knocking on the door.

It’s only about one minute before Jared and Boyd both enter, seeming excited as well.

“Well? Explain.”

“Well, as you may know, when it comes to day to day humans going on planes and getting X-rays and exposing ourselves to the sun, we only experience .0024 gray of radiation a year! So to really do damage we’d have to find a way to expose Andrew to over 30 gray. After a few minutes you should be able to kill him without him regenerating. I could explain the science but I’m sure Boyd already understands.” Peter tells them, still smiling.

“My goodness. He’s right. Total body irradiation could destroy all of Andrew’s stem cells which means he can’t regenerate anymore. That’s genius.” Boyd looks absolutely thrilled, and Jared seems to trust him, because he too smiles.

“You’re sure this will work?” Jared asks Boyd, glancing between Peter and Tony.

“I’m absolutely sure.” Boyd tells him.

“Guess that means I don’t need you two anymore.” Jared says, pulling out his gun and pointing it right at Peter.

[marveldc-imagines-hub]

Ice Packs (Wade Wilson x Reader)

A/N: This is one of the many non-requested pieces I’ve had in my drafts forever, and I was recently really drawn to finally writing the piece. It ended up taking a different turn than I expected, but I’m really proud of how in 

Warnings for swearing and some sexual humor because, duh, it’s Deadpool aaaaaannnd a little bit of angst maybe. Is this considered angst? I don’t know. Also, minor Deadpool 2 spoilers (mention of Cable, Domino, and the events regarding Vanessa) but Deadpool 2 spoilers nonetheless; this piece takes place after it.

Anyway, enjoy!

~~~

Tapping on the window of your (number) floor apartment drew your attention away from the evening activity you were pursuing. Upon further inspection--turning your head a few degrees to the right in order to peer out said window--you felt yourself relax as you recognized the white-eyed, masked face looking back at you.

“Hold on a sec, Wade--I mean Deadpool.” You hummed softly as you sat your things aside. Pulling the plush blanket draped over your shoulders closer against your person, you stood and shuffled over to the window. With the suited and warm-bodied antihero leaning close to the glass, probably to keep himself from falling down the apartment building’s side, the glass panes were becoming increasingly foggy.

“Heya, [Y/N]!” Wade greeted, tumbling through the window after you opened it. Now that he was in a lighted area, you noticed darker patches of red on his bodysuit, which was scuffed and torn in places. Still, despite his looks the smell of dirt and blood that clung to him, the behind-the-mask, avocado-looking man seemed cheerful enough.

That is, until he made his way to your couch, walking stiffly and softly grunting every couple of steps.

Immediately, your brows furrowed in confusion and worry. You had been friends with Wade long enough that he had incredible healing abilities and, even if he was in pain, he rarely showed as much.

“Wade, are you okay?”

“Hey, hey, hey!” The antihero, despite his currently distressed situation, was at your side in moments, tugging you against him and covering your mouth with a gloved hand. With comically shifty eyes in every direction, he continued, “The mask isn’t off, little troublemaker! Anyone could hear and figure out my secret identity!”

You rolled your eyes and swatted the undoubtedly dirty glove off away from your face. Using the sleeve of your sweater to scrub your face clean from any possible grime, you replied, “I’m the only one here, nutjob. Don’t contaminate me with your filth, jackass.”

Wade--Deadpool--gasped softly and placed an oh so delicate hand over his chest, feigning hurt. “You’ve wounded my soul, [Y/N].” After a moment of waiting for a reaction that wouldn’t come, he dropped the act and, chuckling, agreed. “Yeah, that fight was brutal. You’re probably right not to touch me.”

“Seriously, though, Livepuddle, what’s wrong?” Watching him continue his hobbling to your couch, despite the fact that you had just told him to stop his contamination, you were filled with concern again. Perhaps his healing abilities had disappeared somehow?

“Oh, yanno--” He waved his hand dismissively as he plopped onto the couch and stressed across it. “--just a little stiff after war. I may have been impaled once or a few times, and not in the fun way. Also, it’s Livingpuddle. If you’re going to insult my shitty superhero title, at least do it right.”

“Same difference, ballsack-lookin’ dipshit.” Sitting on the nearby end table’s edge, you tried to steer the conversation back to the topic of your concern, “Normally, that’s not enough to make you groan and hobble a drunk old dude. Seriously, Wade, what’s going on? Did you lose your healing or something? Is it bad?”

The blank eyes of the Deadpool mask shifted slightly as Wade glanced over your concerned face. After a moment, he sighed and scrubbed a hand over his face. “Dammit, [Y/N], why’d you have to do those sad eyes? You know I hate sad eyes. I don’t deserve sad e--” The man stopped in the middle of the phrase and jerked his head to seemingly stare at the wall in which the window he had climbed in was occupied. “Hey! Stop listening to 500 Miles by The Proclaimers when you’re writing something heartfelt and sad! At least listen to Cher or something!”

“Wade, now’s not the time for your weird, out of body bullshit,” you grumbled. You had been friends with him long enough to have witnessed these many of these strange, loud monologues; therefore, they weren’t very surprising but they could certainly be annoying when you were trying to have a serious conversation.

“I’ll admit, that song has a good twang to it but it’s way overplayed.”

You couldn’t tell whether that comment was in reply to you, or if he was still having an imaginary argument. In mild frustration, you reached out to grab his wrist, in hopes of also grabbing his attention once again--

Only to have him hiss slightly and yank his arm away.

The two of you shared a wide-eyed look, yours of surprise and his of… Well, you couldn’t be sure. As the realization of situation donned on you, you retracted your hand and instead rested it in your lap with it’s twin.

“Is it the cancer?” you asked softly.

Yet another soft grunt escaped mask-covered lips as Wade looked away and gently squeezed the wrist you had tried to grab.

You gave him time to choose his words and, eventually, he spoke again, “Sometimes it hurts. A lot. Especially after regenerating and healing, it gets really bad in places. The pain from a fight isn’t s bad.”

“I’m so sorry, Wade.”

“Don’t be. I don’t need the pity.”

“It’s not pity, it’s empathy.”

“I don’t deserve any of it.”

Thick silence bloomed again in the dim light of your apartment living room, and you leaned back on your hands as you tried to think up a way to help your friend. Slowly, an idea formed.

“I’ll be fine,” Wade murmured after a few more minutes of gruesome silence.

“What if we numb it out of you?” you thought aloud in response.

Even with the mask covering the antihero’s face, you could tell his eyes were glittering with a dark humor. “What? With death or alcohol and drugs? Maybe all three?” Then the humor lightened a bit, and you could vaguely see the grin and wiggling of eyebrows behind red fabric. “Or maybe another, more physical activity?”

“Shut up and undress, Wade.” You hopped up from the end table and walked towards the kitchen, hyperfocused on your fridge.

“Hah, fourth time’s the charm!” Wade jumped up after you, albeit slower than he normally would have, and marched after you. “The kitchen? How inviting, [Y/N].”

“Stop that. I’m getting ice.”

“Ice?”

You nodded. “And lots of it.”

When you gave no other response, Wade sighed and leaned against the kitchen doorway--only to grunt softly and pull away again. “Enlighten me, you teasing little minx.”

You visibly cringed at the pet name and, after grabbing all the ice packs and ice trays in your freezer to place then on the counter nearby.

“It might work, or it might not. Either way, it’s worth a shot-- Hey, that rhymed! Anyway, I know it’s unlikely that it’ll take away all of the pain, but people use ice baths to for muscles and pain and stuff pretty often so--”

“Waterloo’s good, but what about Super Trouper with that Cher appearance? Now that had tears in my eyes! When the old cast danced with the new one? Iconic!”

You huffed as you tossed the last couple ice packs into your bathtub, which was now partially filled with water, every non-food icy item from your freezer, and several bags of ice you’d accumulated after a trip to the gas station down the street. “Could you please stop talking to the voices in your head?”

Wade scoffed from his current perch. He was sitting gingerly on the edge of the closed toilet next to where you stood. He had stripped out of his suit and its dangerous accessories--you had to lend him a pair of boxers that you’d often but no longer would use for sleep shorts in the process--and now skeptically awaited the ice bath you were preparing for him. You had also helped him clean off the blood and grime from his battle earlier that night, and now you could tell by the newer looking scars and pinker patches of skin where Wade’s skin and a smaller appendage or two had regenerated.

“I’m not talking to the voices in my head,” he replied, as if that were assuring, “I’m talking to the narrator. See, Super Trouper’s a bop!”

“What the fuck, Wade.” Rolling your eyes, you stepped away from the tub to admire your work. After making sure it reached your standards, you gestured for Wade to stand--which he did unwillingly, followed by a low grunt. “Get in the tub.”

“I’d be much more willing to do so if I had a buddy to join me.” Despite the pain he was still in, the scarred man managed a toothy smirk to go along with his flirty words. “Perhaps, take a chance on me--?”

“Sir, get in the tub before I physically fight you into it.”

“Kinky,” was his only reply. Realizing he was getting nowhere in the current situation, Wade got to his feet and stepped into the tub. If he gained goosebumps, they weren’t visible on his scarred body from you vantage point; however, he gave a shiver and a quick “Woo!” in response to the cold before dipping his other foot in. Placing one hand on the shower wall and the other on the rim of the tub, he slowly lowered himself into the icy water and adjusted said ice around himself.

You took his place on the toilet lid and watched in anticipation. Of course, you weren’t expecting anything to happen very quickly; you weren’t really sure what you were expecting at all, considering the circumstances and the person you were trying to help. Still, if Wade’s pain worsened for some reason, or he started to turned purple and blue before the pain started to lessen, you wanted to make sure that he knew he didn’t have to stay in the ice bath if it was a useless endeavor.

However, as you watched, Wade began to relax in his icy spa. He was a little too tall to fit in the small apartment tub, so his feet rested on the edge and he sunk sunk down until only the tops of his shoulder, neck, and head were above the water. He rested his head next to the faucet, closing his eyes and sighing, and for a moment he seemed more serene then you’ve ever seen him.

He was in pain frequently, you knew, due to the cancer he still endured and the constant regenerating that he dealt with as a bodily defense against it. He was in pain more than frequently, actually, but some days it was worse than others and he hated showing the pain either way.

You were pulled from your heavy thoughts when Wade shifted, turning his head and opening his eyes once more. Seemingly calmer and a bit hesitant now, he shifted and raised one arm out of the tub. While reaching the wet hand out to you, he muttered, “Thanks for worrying about me.”

You responded by gripping his hand and squeezed. “I know it’s difficult to bounce back after losing someone. I also know that while people like Cable and Domino care but they’re smart enough to not get in your way. I, on the other hand, am dense and will continue to bother and irritate you out of affection.”

Wade Wilson didn’t talk. However, you could see the different kind of pain that bloomed in his gaze--before he closed his eyes and turned his head away again. You would have thought he was upset with you if he hadn’t squeezed your hand.

It was quiet after that. You continued to tightly hold Wade’s hand while he rested, keeping a close eye on his condition. It could have easily been some hours, and eventually, he began to doze off, his head slowly tilting back in your direction and leaning against the rim of the bathtub. You took that moment to rest your head on his--if it roused him, he didn’t show it--and mentally wished him well, as if the connection would take your thoughts and slam it into his own head to the point that the wish would come true. Then, you gently shook him awake to move him to a more comfortable spot as thoughts of napping with frostbite creeped into your mind.

Dramatic? Perhaps, but still a risk you weren’t a fan of taking.

[sophieakatz]

Thursday Thoughts: Detective Pikachu and the (Il)Logical Extreme

If I were a Pikachu, I would have laughed my spiky yellow tail off. As it is, I spent the majority of Detective Pikachu in fits of hysterical giggles, and not because of Ryan Reynold’s PG-version-of-Deadpool one-liners – though those were as funny as we all expected they’d be. The hilarity of Detective Pikachu lies in its wholehearted embrace of the over-the-top. Every single aspect of this movie – the setting, the characters, the story tropes – is taken to the extreme, right up to the edge of the imagination and implications.

But this embrace of the extreme is also where the movie’s problems lie.

Reader beware, for as usual, here there be spoilers.

I’m a relative latecomer to Pokémon. As I’ve mentioned before, I didn’t watch much TV as a kid, and my parents strictly monitored what I did watch. Pokémon, with its technicolor, fantastical dog fights, was too violent for my house. But as soon as I got my hands on a Gameboy, I fell in love with this world. Pokémon is the perfect escape for a worldbuilding geek, with its ever-expanding ecosystem of superpowered critters.

It’s clear that the creators of Detective Pikachu love the world and all of the juicy little details you can find in the Pokédex just as much as, if not more than, I do. Because for every Pokémon you see walking the streets of Ryme City, there was a writer who said, “If this is real, then what does that imply?” and then totally ran with it to the ends of the earth.

Mr. Mime completely communicates in pantomime? Then if you communicate back, within that world of pantomime, he will believe what you do to him.

Charmander needs to keep his tail-flame lit in order to survive? Then the best way to get a raging Charizard’s attention is to stomp on his tail.

There’s a legend that says the world is on the back of a Torterra? Well what if it actually was?!?

Humans see Pokémon evolving into “better” versions of themselves? Somebody’s gonna get jealous. (But more on this later.)

The characters seem to be aware that they are living in this world of extremes as well. Perhaps it comes with living alongside creatures who could literally blow you up with their brain, but the humans of Detective Pikachu all live a rather extreme life, completely fulfilling the character archetypes they represent.

The titular Pikachu is so much a movie detective that he immediately suspects that Harry’s death was faked, and he even foreshadows the true villain of the movie by labeling Ms. Norman’s car a “bad guy car.”

Jack and Detective Yoshida can do little but encourage Tim to get a Pokémon partner and become the hero of the film.

Lucy’s introductory scene feels like she’s reciting a monologue for a journalist in a detective movie – which, you know, she is.

Nobody is especially complicated. Pikachu outright spells out his tendency to push people away multiple times even before we’re supposed to know that he’s actually Tim’s father, who pushed him away – and the distant-but-well-meaning dad is yet another trope that is played out to its extreme here.

This could a weakness in the writing, but it’s much more fun to imagine that everyone knows that they are in a movie and is behaving accordingly. Everyone except Tim, that is. Until he puts on that leather jacket and starts pouring imaginary gasoline on Mr. Mime; then he’s in on it.

Not every movie has to be deep, and it’s okay to take shortcuts in the name of entertainment. I was certainly entertained.

However, some of the shortcuts that Detective Pikachu takes as it reaches for the logical extremes of its world result in outright harmful tropes.

On the one hand, you have the forced relationships. Sure, you’d expect a Pokémon movie to be about the bond between a boy and his ‘mon; that’s literally what the entire anime is about. But there’s something incredibly squicky about first Jack, then Yoshida, and then most everyone else Tim meets insisting that Tim needs a Pokémon partner when Tim is clearly uncomfortable with the idea. At the same time, you have Detective Pikachu constantly nudging Tim towards a romantic relationship with Lucy, until Tim finally, suddenly, unnecessarily mentions in the middle of the final battle that he’s “attracted” to her.

Making a Torterra or a Mr. Mime over-the-top is funny. Over-the-top pushing relationships is not. There’s just nothing interesting about it. It’s been done before, and before, and before. It’s heteronormative, playing into the idea that a one needs a relationship in order to be complete, and that it’s impossible for a boy and a girl to exist in the same movie without being a romantic couple. This trope is a big part of why it took me so long to realize I was ace.

On the other hand, you have the disabled villain. How movies portray disabled people, particularly disabled villains, is a topic that deserves its own article written by a disabled person. Here are a few you can and should read as a starting point:

How Disfigured Villains Like "Wonder Woman's" Dr. Poison Perpetuate Stigma by Alaina Leary

“Showing facial disfigurement as a signifier for evil has consequences for real people with facial disfigurements.”

Disabled Villains by Emily K. Davison

“A strong consensus that runs throughout literature is that a person with a disability is innately driven towards evil due to their disability.”

What "Everything, Everything" Gets Wrong About Living As a Disabled Person by Alaina Leary

“We’re repeatedly presented with disability narratives that declare that our disabled lives aren’t meaningful and that it’s impossible to have a disability (and limitations) and still be happy.”

Howard Clifford is undeniably an extreme character. He is the only disabled person in the world of Detective Pikachu, and he hates being ��confined” to his wheelchair so much that he founded an entire city to support a research empire towards capturing MewTwo and forcefully merging humans and Pokémon.

And this movie, like so many other movies, embraces the villain’s trope so completely that it doesn’t even devote five seconds to explaining why he is wrong. We’re just supposed to accept that this is the logical extreme of his situation, the conclusion that a person like him would undoubtedly come to in this world, just like Mr. Mime believing that imaginary matches would burn him.

And so my review of Detective Pikachu takes the tone of so many reviews of mine: I enjoyed it, but wholeheartedly believe that we can do better than it.

[thebibliomancer]

50 More Days of Comics! 26/50: Alpha Flight #89 (1990)

This book’s marketing strategy: “HEY ANYONE LIKE THE ORIGINAL GUARDIAN? ANYONE? OKAY DAMMIT WE HAVE A WOLVERINE FOR YOU PLEASE BUY THIS BOOK! oh and Puck is back if that’s what you’re into…”

I know next to nothing about Alpha Flight.

I really should.

They’re the X-Spinoff that doesn’t put an X in the title. Someone on tvtropes was liveblogging it and I picked up a few unfortunate tidbits from that.

Recently Alpha Flight has gone from being my second favorite Canadian super-team to being Captain Marvel’s space team. Or Earth-orbit team. Since I happen to think, BENDIS, that a space team should be in space.

The bits of Alpha Flight I’ve read with them in this role I’ve liked. Although I can’t help but wonder if Carol just bought the team from Canada.

Anyway, I wish I knew more about the iteration of the team that’s in this book because it has the one-two whammy of being both continuity heavy and snapback heavy. Not only is current continuity a big thing, previous continuity is a big thing because its being returned to. Also part three of a four part story.

Which has several ongoing plot lines.

Eesh.

I know I say this a lot but this is what recap technology was designed for.

So in one plot line, Shaman, Talisman, Aurora, and Sasquatch are searching for their missing teammate Puck, who was taken by the self-titled Master of the World.

And, uh, they find him. He’s been given a kind of gross makeover with exposed veins and tentacle fingers. But they found him alright.

Sasquatch immediately suggests mercy killing Puck because I guess that’s what he jumps to but thanks to Aurora’s “cleansing burst of light” Talisman and Shaman are able to mystically touch his mind and discover what happened.

In a flurry of continuity, Puck was apparently a dwarf but then it was retconned that he was a dwarf because his body had a demon sealed inside it because of magic but he was injured by the Dream Queen but was healed through supernatural means but on Earth his body rejected the magic so he was dying but the Master of the World wanted to test the limits of the human form and also get revenge on Alpha Flight so he secretly had Puck injected with a genetic compound made of former Alpha Flight foe Scramble and a blood sample of Puck taken years ago when he was still a dwarf so the compound reshaped Puck into a dwarf again but did a bad job of it.

Phew!

Comics that are attempting to retcon things in always have too much information per panel.

Anyway, since Sasquatch used to be a biochemist he understood all of that and also poked around in the Master’s computers and discovered that the compound is still in Puck’s system. So with a little bit of reprogramming, Puck could be put back to normal but dwarf normal because that’s when the DNA sample was from, not whatever normal he had been recently. Sssssnapback!

Also, the strain of having his body restructured might kill him but Puck says to go for it.

So Puck is thrown into a science tube and Sasquatch lays down some technobabble that basically amounts to ‘hey y’all Puck will be a dwarf again and this will be permanent, swearsies.’

Just as the process is started, the Master of the World bursts in with his Remnant Men and scolds Alpha Flight for coming in without knocking, very rude, now gtfo and stop touching his things (explicitly including Puck in that).

Master (of the World): “I do not see this as a degradation then, but rather the contrary… I see this as a reaffirmation of my faith… Faith in pain.”

I know the Master (of the World) from two places: Carol Danvers shanking him during Kurt Busiek’s Avengers run and his run-in with the new Champions where he was rebuilding the melting glaciers by using human suffering. Or something. It’s a bit unclear.

Anyway, he’s a creepus and he’s sending his creeper army to attack the present Alpha Flighters.

But thankfully, just as they’re getting overwhelmed, Puck bursts healed, naked, and spread legged from the science tube with a convenient splash of censoring water.

Puck: “I’m back, eh? Now let’s make short work of this loser!!”

He gets to make short jokes.

Anyway, that’s the end of this plot thread in this issue but if Puck isn’t kicking the Master’s ass while bareassed in the next issue, comics as a medium have failed forever.

In the second plot thread, Vindicator and Wolverine are trying to track down someone named Wild Child who broke out of jail.

Wolverine manages to track Wild Child down to a run down Roxxon gas station bathroom and squats by the toilet to get some good whiffs (which most be horrible with his enhanced sense of smell) and determines that Gamma Flight was here with Wild Child.

Which presents a problem as Gamma Flight is a team and Wolverine and Vindicator are two people.

Vindicator: “Are we up against all of Gamma Flight?”

Wolverine: “Yup. Gotta give ‘em credit fer stickin’ together through this.”

Vindicator: “Credit? They were formed for all the wrong reasons and disbanded for all the right ones. Oh, what am I getting so upset for? I’m so tired – of everything… Why has this team become such a mess? Why am I doing all of this?”

But Wolverine believes in the him that believes in her, or something, and they continue on. At the very least, punching some people will be cathartic. Which I believe is at least 50% of how superheroes work.

Four hours later, they track Gamma Flight down to an abandoned factory. Wolverine immediately leaps into an ambush that he probably suspects is an ambush to force the issue and maybe as an application to the Teen Titans who never met a trap they didn’t waltz into.

Anyway, things get chaotic and incomprehensible for a bit, befitting an ambush. But Team Wolverine and Vindicator Is There Too handle the ambush with something resembling aplomb and when its over Gamma Flight lines up in a row so we can get a team shot and their leader Nemesis (who looks like a Lady Deadpool with a cape) monologues.

Nemesis: “Hello, Vindicator… Wolverine… What is it exactly that you’re looking for besides your own funeral? I hope it’s not Wild Child. I hope you don’t expect us to give him up after all the trouble we went through breaking him out of prison. Because if that’s the case then you’re going to have to answer to us. GAMMA FLIGHT – protects their own!”

Vindicator’s response? “I’m not going to disappoint you, Nemesis. We are here for Wildchild. And we’re going to get him… even if we have to roll over each and every one of you idiots to do it!”

Way to be outnumbered nearly two to one with also aplomb, Vindicator. But as appears to be the trend, if twice is a pattern which it probably is, we don’t get the fight this issue. That’s next issue’s deal.

There’s a loose page that roughly fits into this plot thread. Northstar and Persuasion (a daughter of Purple Man trying to be not a dick like him) are watching their friend Laura in the hospital. Laura was hurt badly by Wild Child which I guess explains why Vindicator is cruising to bruise him.

And Persuasion is sad because not only is her friend hurt but her stupid mind control powers couldn’t do anything to help her only friend.

And Laura is in bad condition. She’s lost a lot of blood and needs a new kidney.

But for arbitrary reasons, even though Laura is O-positive, because she’s a mutant she has weird blood and they need compatible family blood. But Laura sent her only known family, her sister Goblyn, to another dimension. For her own good.

JUST THEN, people claiming to be her parents walk in and ask if they’d be a suitable match. DUN DUN DUN! Dramaaaaaa!

And in tonight’s final plot thread, as the cover promised, the weird return of the original Guardian. His death was apparently one of the earliest big events of the book, happening in issue 12.

So why is he coming back after 77 issues and two in-universe years? God only knows but this is a hard snapback. And this is a hell of a retcon.

They played at bringing Guardian back before. For Reasons, in issues 25-28 per the editorial captions, a robot disguised itself as Guardian and claimed that the explosion that killed him had ripped a hole in time-space and threw Guardian through it. And that he was then saved by aliens and sent back to Earth and had to sleep for ten thousand years during the voyage.

Obviously, this was all a lie.

Samuel Higgins, Roxxon guy: “Ahem. Yes, well. A lie. Hmm. Ahem… well… that crazy story that the robot came up with? About Hudson getting thrust back in time and waking up on Jupiter’s moon – Ganymede – then sleeping cryogenically and getting sent on a spaceship back to Earth? That crazy, whacky, kooky story? Well… it was all true.”

I mean, that’s one way to do it. I wouldn’t personally but it is one way.

Once you start getting into “the lie was a lie!” territory you’ve convoluted a book up fierce. See also: Spider-Man’s Clone Sage 2: This Time Its 90s And Nobody Knows What They’re Doing.

Forge is on scene with Roxxon guy Windshear and Alpha Flighters Box and Diamond Lil and I think Forge puts it best.

Forge: “In this business, death has a habit of making a liar out of the truth.”

Anyway, the not-dead James Hudson aka Guardian is wired up underneath a Roxxon research facility and he’s putting out potent hacking waves that are causing the mechanisms of the facility to go haywire and attack people. And also causing Box to malfunction because he’s a guy in a suit who is a suit. Or something.

I’m not entirely sure. But he fuses with Forge so that Forge can override the hacking and reconfigure the Box suit to overcome Hudson’s various stratagems.

And with enough technobabble, it works! They close in on James Hudson’s cybernetic weirdly crucifix posed nearly naked body.

A lot of beefcake in this comic for people into that.

Box (Madison Jeffries) separates from Forge and attempts to monologue Hudson back to his senses.

Box: “Hudson – Jamie – it’s me – Madison Jeffries – you remember, right? You got me outta the V.A. hospital – told me what had happened in ‘Nam was cool – told me that sometimes things hit the fan and that’s the way it is. Well, I’m here t’tell you the same thing, Jamie.

“Mac – wake up, man! You’re messing things up bigtime here! C’mon – remember who you were – are – ‘member when you recruited me for Department H – I was only in Beta an’ you loved havin’ me hang around – cos’ we had one thing in common – we both loved machines… Guess we both took it sorta to extremes don’tchu think? Well, guess what? We have somethin’ else in common now… maybe we took that to extremes, too…

“Heather. Remember Heather? Yeah. I see your mental imaging. That’s how she looked when you first met her, eh? She looks so young, man… So innocent… beautiful… Uhm… I think I love her, too, now, Mac. She’s a special lady. She never gave up on yer dream when we though you’d died. She kept Alpha Flight goin’ – no matter how rough it got – all ‘cos o’ her faith and belief in your dream, Jamie – in you…”

And being reminded of his wife in short shorts and/or emotional appeal works because Hudson comes out from his stupor and tearfully and droolfully proclaims that he is alive!

Awww. I still don’t know who was clamoring for this character to be returned after so many issues but I’m a sucker for a big in-universe emotional appeal.

Still though. Trying to retcon the book back into shape is not a good environment to attract new readers.

But speaking of sexy Heather, she was drawn with nipple poking through her Vindicator costume in several panels so I’m going to side eye Michael Bair and Mike Manley super hard. It may be a spandex costume but there’s like twelve pounds of circuitry underneath, geez.

Though I guess they also gave the reader Puck lunging crotch first at the reader and Hudson hanging out in only his underwear. So an Attempt Was Made to be fair-handed, I guess?

[swords-guns-blogs]

One Year Later

Oh, hi there! You may recognize me as a cute cuddly version of your favorite regenerative degenerate. "Hello Deadpool", if you will. If you keep up with those old fashioned paper "kah-micks" that come out month to month, you're probably realizing this is what we in the biz like to call the re-cap page. Because let's face it! Life happens! Sometimes you're all set to write a bunch of replies that help shape a beautiful story about an idiot and his dream of owning a boat and then sometimes you fall off the face of the Earth for an entire year. Point being, it happens, but the story must go on! 

Right... The story. Where exactly where we again? Hold on a sec, I need to reread this myself. Don't go anywhere, it'll just take me a seco-JEEZ THEY WRITE A LOT. Entire paragraphs?! Come on. What happened to the good 'ol days when they placed all of their replies in 140 characters or less? I mean the occasional TwitLonger was fine, but this is going to take me forever! [Now might be a good time to reintroduce the "laws" of how you present yourself, Wade]

Nice thinking, Boxy! You see, this is all taking place on a website teenage girls use to blog about their favorite porn and TV show GIFs. [That's not even remotely wh-] And I've been able to take advantage of these blogs and their rich text editors to really convey all the craziness that goes in my noggin. You'll notice that right now, everything is just plain text! Real free form stuff, no fancy bold or italicized effects. This is just me, talking to you [The reader]. Yeah that's right. I actually understand all of this nonsense. I'm well aware that this one guy writes for me [In his image sometimes] and his Canadian sister from another mister is the only one who reads the replies [Bless her]. You might notice the occasional enclosed bracket segment in my monologue as well. Well that's just my thoughts. Now I know what you're thinking, "Wade, I thought these were already your thoughts? Just voiced towards me, the reader?" Well they are! The boxes are just my OTHER thoughts! Sometimes there's only the one [I'm the voice of reason], sometimes I bring in a second one {I like a little crazy!} and if you ever see the dreaded third... It'll be too late for you. I think that just about covers everything! [Actions?] Speak way louder than words, agreed. Especially since these type of words have no sound to them. [... sigh Actions like that. The bold text.] OH! Right! Given how ridiculous my speech is in word form, my lovely writer is fond of using bold words to represent the story. You can consider this when he truly takes over, I don't typically have much say or control of what torture he places on me. {Like the time he blew your nuts off and made you a teenage girl?} Ha, Classic Austin. [You done yet?] Oh yeah, I scarfed the last one down in the middle of all that explaining. [Not lunch, you idiot! The recap. Did you read it all yet?] Eh. I'm gonna wing it. [Oh boy] inhales Maximum Effort. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Wade pressed his shoulder against the frame of the wooden porch as he stared out at the morning sun. It was just peaking over for the first time, the pink tones of the clouds only helped the orange of the sun appear to be more vibrant. As a few birds landed on the soft ground in front of the two-story yellow ranch house, a smile crept onto Wade's face. Closing his eyes, Wade took a moment to appreciate the calm sounds of the country air, the birds below picking for worms, and with one deep inhale he took in all of the scents that the warm cup of coffee he had just brewed. As he opened his eyes, he couldn't help but feel that life was just better this way. No worries, no regrets, just a large plot of land, several rows of seasonal crops, a few farm animals to provide the necessities, and of course, her. Wade stepped off the porch and onto the brown stairs that led him to the ground. The birds turned and scurried off to a new patch of grass as Wade walked by. With their new home and new lives came one extra amenity, an amazing view. It had become a morning tradition for Wade, to walk the land that he had cultivated with his bare hands, only to end up at the edge of the mountain the home sat upon. As he pushed through waves of Corn Stalk, Wade couldn't help but turn his head when a couple of crow's began to 'Kaw', that's when he laid eyes on an old familiar face. They had realized really early on that their bird friends were going to take their fair share of the land, so to combat against those Crows who weren't as brave, Wade had built a scarecrow. Standing taller than the stalks of corn, Wade looked up at his old suit and mask. It had been stuffed to the brim with hay and nailed to a board as to give the impression of it being a real person, a Deadpool Scarecrow. No matter what the circumstances were, it always put a smile on his face to see his old work uniform in such display. As he moved past the corn and onto the lettuce patches and tomato vines, Wade could see it. The breathtaking view that had made their decision to move here so easy. You could see the country side for miles, deep rolling hills filled in with lush vegetation and tree lines. Two rivers ran through towards the bottom of the mountain and when it rained, they would always echo the valley with sounds of clean and pure running water. And on the top of all the tree's, just barely peeking over, was that vibrant orange sun. Wade took another drink from his mug, as he let the warm liquid sit in his mouth for an extra second, he tried to take a moment and truly appreciate what his life had turned into. To appreciate all the hard work they had put into their new home. To appreciate the risk, the reward, the fright of change, and the fruits of labor. As his eyes opened back up and he downed the coffee, Wade's ears perked as he heard the front door open up. His head turned back to the house as he spotted her walking out onto the porch, the special cup of coffee he had made just for her in hand. As she leaned over the side of the porch, Wade couldn't help but give a big goofy wave from all the way on the edge of the land. With a smile plastered to his face, he started the walk back to her. No matter how many times they had repeated this exact scenario, Wade never got tired of this feeling. Each step was agony and bliss, as he was forced to be without and her but slowly grew closer. The sooner he had his arms wrapped around her the better. Wade disappeared through the back end of the corn stalks and within a few moments he had emerged the other side using a path he had made forever ago, this always made them both laugh. As Wade stepped out from the corn stalk, he heard her voice "Hello, my love". Wade stopped dead in his tracks. ...Her voice. It wasn't... her voice. That voice was cold... He had heard it before, but not in such a long time... His body was frozen, he couldn't move if he had wanted... So she moved him herself. Wade felt a magical force begin to twist his head, forcing his eyes to turn back to the corn stalks. Soon enough his feet and body followed the magical suggestions, until he was entirely facing the stalks. Her dark magic didn't stop there, one by one each corn stalk began to slowly turn black. Starting at the base of the plant, a black color began to take over and destroy the plant. When the entire stalk had been taken over in darkness, it disappeared into ash, catching itself in the wind. As more and more stalks began to vanish into ash, a hazy black fog began to form. Wade tried to turn his head, he tried to take a step backwards, but he just couldn't. That's when the darkness started to form, enough stalk had vanished that he could make out the Deadpool Scarecrow in the middle of the field and standing next to it was the bone chilling voice he had heard just moments ago. Stepping out from behind the red uniform, covered in ash herself, was none other than Lady Death. Her robe and hair blended in with the dark ash that swirled around the air, only her bright white bones were visible. She had a loving smile on her face as she watched the vegetation die off, her hand drifted along with the wind, taking in every moment. It was as if she was looking at her own impressive mountain view. Only less trees and rivers and there was no vibrant orange sun peaking over... Wade was screaming internally, to the top of his mental lungs. His only thought was the woman behind him... Even if he could turn back and see her, something told him she wasn't there anymore. This was a beautiful dream shifting into a horrid nightmare. "You've made quite the home for yourself, Wade... I always thought this would be the life we would share one day." Wade snarled, again internally, his body was still frozen. No matter how hard he tried to move backwards, he couldn't. Oddly enough, trying all his options, Wade noticed he could move forward. But he was fighting it with everything in his soul. "Well don't just stand there, silly. Get over here!" With a sickening grin, she snapped her fingers. Wade's stomach dropped as he felt his body moving in one fluid motion. Despite being motionless, his frozen frame dug against the dirt and slowly made its way to Death's side. "Wade... I'm getting the feeling you don't want to be with me. Please... Don't tell me there's someone else." Wade felt his head drop, he was losing hope, and her words only made him worry more. "Oh, Wade... I don't think I ever felt your emotions this strongly..." Her tone began to grow slightly more agitated. "...I thought I knew what your love felt like, but this..." She let out a exhaustive sigh, growing tired with what she was discovering. She walked closer to Wade, grabbing his jaw with her hand. "You don't think you of all people are /that/ lucky, do you Wade? You don't get this kind of ending." Her tone was shifting from that of anger to that of seduction as she took a moment of her own to appreciate the sweat of fear and regret dripping off the man. "Oh... I missed you, my love. Why you ever thought you could replace me with her is beyond me. What does she have that I don't? Life? I can fix that." Wade brought began to hold the weight of his head again. His body was bound by her dark magic to not allow movement, but he was starting to shake with rage. "Oh no... Are you afraid of what might happen to her? Don't worry. I'll make it painless for her. I know, Lady Luck personally, she won't mind getting this one off her plate." Wade's shaking grew more and more violent, his body breaking through the dark magic. As he watched her hands begin to form another "snap" he managed to reach out and grab her by the wrist. He tried to speak, but it was like she had filled his voice box with few kitchen knives. Fighting through the pain he mustered out a pitiful "...No" Death locked eyes with him, her snarky smile fading for a brief moment only to come back stronger. "My love... You're so blind. Don't worry, I will make this right." She goes to snap her fingers again, but Wade has now latched onto her hand. "...I said... NO." Wade lets out a primal scream as he bends back her fingers hearing a few loud cracks. Death stands, unaffected, her smile fading away as she scanned the area around them. The ash from the corn stalk had moved throughout the entire plot of land, darkening it to the point where black was all you could see. Her smile was now a disappointing frown, her time had ran out. "...You can't save her forever. She can't save you either, Wade, luck doesn't work like that. I will ensure our future, my love. You're leaving me for now, but I promise, Wade... I will see you very soon." Wade dropped to his knees as he felt the dark magic exit his body in one fluid departure. Immediately Wade gets to his feet and turns to back to the house, but it's surrounded in darkness. His first attempt is to run towards where the house would be, but after running a few hundred feet it was apparent that he wasn't going to make it anywhere... He had seen this movie before. [Deadpool 2, in theaters now] Wade dropped his head once more as he waited for it to happen... The only thing on his mind was how real and lifelike this had all felt. How this dream was nothing more than that, a dream... Wade would've given anything to be back on that farm, with her. ~~~~~~~ "...I'm sorry, Dom" Wade eyes slowly opened, everything was blurry and he had a headache from hell. His body was still rocking back and forth from the repelling device that was attached to the top of the elevator shaft. As his eyes adjusted to the light, he could see a rusty nail sticking out of the wall, and it was covered in blood. That probably explains why he could feel a large amount of blood at the bottom of his mask. In reality, Wade had impaled himself on the nail of the elevator shaft, he had been out for sometime and had just now made it back to the land of the living. For Domino, the big red moron had just given her a few minutes of peace and quiet... For Wade, he had been living a dream and all he wanted to do was go back. 

[...I ...He ...Oh my, God.]

Wade was silent. Oddly so. It was obvious he was moving and functioning again, but it was just so unlike him not to bust into a Cher song upon regaining consciousness. Instead, he kept to himself, grabbed the rope from the repeal device and started climbing to the top where Dom was waiting. For whatever reason, he couldn't meet her eye line. Instead he climbed through to the next level and readied his guns.  “...Snap out of, buddy. That got a little too real.”

[frasier-crane-style]

So Spider-Man: Homecoming strikes me as largely a... ummmm... unholy aberration? In that it’s a comic book adaptation that largely isn’t based on the comic book, it’s based on John Hughes movies from the eighties. And then at the same time, it’s modernized and updated and diversified because it can’t be old and outdated like the Dikto comics (although Ultimate Spider-Man was largely the same), but then all that modernization and updating is based on... the eighties.

1. Diversity

I suppose we might as well start with the elephant in the room. In the lead-up to Homecoming being released, there were a ton of articles backpatting Marvel (or backpatting themselves, rather) over how much of the cast was non-white. Not that you’d know it from looking at the poster, of course.

I just have problems. One, the diversity itself. I see it as mainly Marvel trying to placate the fans who wanted Miles Morales, a little like a dad who forgot his kid’s birthday so at the gas station he got a Sandlot DVD or whatever. “No, you’re not Spider-Man, but you CAN be... Ned Leeds! Don’t ya wanna be Ned Leeds, negroes?” Like, does that really matter that much? Are there black people dancing in the streets because Liz Allan is biracial? Is it really that big a deal that Spider-Man’s sidekicks and/or love interests are minorities, when that was also the case in Captain America, Iron Man, Guardians of the Galaxy, Ant-Man, etc. And all of them did it without this racebending that was apparently so necessary. 

It also bugs me that Marvel justifies it by going “well, we’re just reflecting the real world diversity in New York! hashtag stay woke!” Yeah, they’re just reflecting the real world. Like in Captain America, when they reflected the reality of the segregated army of the 1940s.

Or how they reflected that all of the Norse gods were, y’know, kinda Norse.

It’s not that it’s such a bad argument, it’s just that I see it argued in bad faith a lot. When it suits their needs, people on the Left argue “hey, it’s realistic, you have to do X!” (see the Dunkirk “controversy”) Then when it doesn’t suit their needs, they argue “hey, there are dragons or aliens or whatever, it doesn’t need to be realistic! We can say that in 1966, the US army was all lesbian schoolgirls! Who cares?”

Just pick a position and stick to it. Also, maybe that diversity should carry over to the bad guys as well. Remember the head of a Middle Eastern terrorist organization, according to Marvel?

Or the head of a Far East cult?

Anyway, all this limp-wristed apologizing for Peter Parker being Spider-Man instead of Miles Morales comes off as especially galling when he’s getting his own movie. No other legacy character is getting that good a deal. There aren’t two Batman movies coming out, one with Dick Grayson and one with Bruce Wayne. And yet, Peter Parker’s movie still has to suffer and even incorporate a bunch of Miles Morales’s canon for no real reason. If you’re going to make a Peter Parker movie, make a Peter Parker movie, not this half-assed “oh, it’s Peter, but don’t worry, Miles is on his way, sorry, sorry, sorry!”

2. Flash

I don’t buy the Flash Thompson update at all. Like, is that really how bullying works now? The popular, cool nerd picking on the unpopular, lame nerd? It’s like, they’re both on the academic decathlon team. Flash is picking on Peter because he’s a better mathlete than him. Imagine Flash Thompson as a football player, and Peter is another football player who’s better at it than him, and somehow Flash is at the top of the social hierarchy and Peter’s at the bottom. Does that make any sense?

Of course, if they were really going to update Peter’s bullying, it would seem like they would at least mention cyberbullying, instead of just making Peter’s ‘tormentor’ a guy who makes passive-aggressive comments that Peter doesn’t even seem to notice. I feel like the irony of Peter being far stronger than Flash, but obviously unable to haul off and sock him one, plus the irony of Flash being a fan of Spider-Man but disliking Peter, is way stronger than whatever they’re trying to accomplish by giving him an ‘intellectual rival.’

Also, is making Peter’s nemesis a rich prick really that much more original than his nemesis being a jerk jock? REALLY?

3. MJ

I would argue their rendition of ‘MJ’ is way less faithful than the outright loathed Deadpool in X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Wolverine, you get at least a couple of scenes where Ryan Reynolds is playing Wade Wilson, he’s making jokes, he has two katanas... he turns into an abomination, but he spends several scenes not as an abomination.

Michelle... they adapted a famously dancing party girl and all they had her talk about was how she hates parties. She’s literally the exact opposite of Mary Jane. Even the watered down MJs in the Raimi movies, Ultimate comics, and SMLMJ were still popular, positive characters. 

Michelle, again, exact opposite. I have no idea why people are cool with this except that either they’re fetishizing, like, any black people at all--Chris Tucker could come in and scream “HELP ME, SPIDER-MAN, I GOT THESE CRIMINALS ALL OVER ME!” and they’d go yay, representation matters--or they hate Mary Jane in the first place and wouldn’t care if Marvel turned her into Norman Osborn’s chief assassin and baby-killer.

In which case, it seems you should complain a little just on principle. Isn’t any character entitled to a little better treatment than this? Especially a famous female character that has a lot of fans who she means something to? If you’re going to make this character a socially awkward nerd, why not at least name her after Gwen Stacy or Debra Whitman, who are at least something like that in canon? Even if you’re just a Gwen Stacy fan, do you want the waters muddied so that now a (nominally) completely different character has traits adopted from your fave? Do you like it when female characters are treated as completely interchangeable?

4. Ned

The last of the new kids/updates/whatever the fuck is Ned, and fuck him. Fuck him in his stupid Ganke face yes I said it. I guess we’re going to ignore the hypocrisy of Ganke being the most faithfully adapted character in a Spider-Man movie, but Marvel casting an actor of a different ethnicity, so they give the character the name of another character of yet another ethnicity to cover, because everything is stupid and sucks all the time now.

BUT ANYWAY, all this just so Peter can have “a guy on a computer”? He already has Karen, which is enough of a fucking departure already, and the movie even points out how cliched a guy on a computer is! Smallville did it, Birds of Prey did it, Arrow does it, The Flash does it, Supergirl does it--does Spider-Man really have to crib notes from those fucking pikers?

The bigger problem, though, is this.

5. Secret identity

I understand Marvel deciding Peter can’t just have an internal monologue, they need to give him a character to talk to so the audience can know how he’s feeling. The Amazing Spider-Mans did that with Gwen and, at least theoretically, I’m fine with that.

My issue is that Marvel took Peter, one of their most introverted and neurotic characters, and let his entire supporting cast know he’s Spider-Man!

Seriously. Let’s check who in the cast knows he’s Spider-Man by the end of the movie.

1. Ganke/Ned

2. Tony Stark

3. Happy Hogan

4. (presumably) Pepper Potts

5. Michelle suspects/could know (so should that be half?)

5.5. Aunt May

6. The Vulture

7. Karen

So... essentially everyone but fucking Flash. One or two of these would be fine, but he can fucking take everyone who knows out to a buffet and have a roundtable discussion on what to do about the Scorpion. What about him being a loner? What’s the point of a secret identity if everyone who matters knows? What about him having to figure stuff out on his own? 

6. Rich uncle

So let me ask you something. Aunt May gets really sick--in fact, her being chronically ill would be a good way to replicate the comics’ elderly May instead of May being the bread-winner in a family that seems comfortably middle class, cough cough--what does Peter do? Does he go to the Daily Bugle and beg Jameson for an assignment? Is he tempted to rob a bank or just take some money from a crook he’s busted? How does he pay for this?

Well, in this canon, obviously he just asks Tony to write him a check.

It’s so odd, because you’d think the idea of Peter Parker as being financially unstable and constantly struggling with money troubles would be more relevant than ever these days. Yet, by making him Tony’s fucking surrogate motherfucking son, that aspect is totally neutered. Why does this Peter need to work at the Bugle at all? Why should he do anything except ask Stark--the guy who buys masterpieces he’s never even heard of on a lark--for money and then goof off?

In the comics, at least initially, Peter is constantly being Spider-Man not only to fight injustice, but also because the photographs he takes of himself fighting supervillains is the only way he has to make a living and support his aunt. Homecoming, May can support herself, he has Tony as the world’s biggest safety net, so the Spider-Man thing seems less a responsibility and more like a fun hobby he does for shits and giggles.

I’m not saying Spider-Man should be Batman, angsting and brooding over being a superhero, but shouldn’t there be some mixed feelings and conflict over it? 

And, for a character who iconically has to repair his own costume with a sewing kit, does it not seem really inappropriate for him to now be wearing a Harrier jet? They try to adapt the part in Civil War where he rejects the Iron Spider suit, but since the Iron Spider suit is here the classic costume we all want to see him in, now he rejects an even more advanced powered armor suit, while keeping the still very advanced powered armor suit that is somehow supposed to be down-home and authentic.

(I guess no one pointed out that the entire Tony-Peter relationship throughout Civil War ended with Peter realizing what an anus Tony was and rejecting him.)

6a. Rich spotlight-stealing uncle

By the way, this totally takes the emphasis off Peter as a genius in his own right (which is, remember, the reason he’s supposed to have this deep bond with Tony in the first place). Who cares if Peter invented webbing and webshooters if that’s only 1% of what his suit can do and everything else is this stupendous stuff Tony Stark came up with? You might as well go whole-hog and say that Peter was just doing parkour before and Tony invented everything. Peter isn’t even the one to hack into his own suit, he needs Gankned for that. 

7. Rich SUPERHERO uncle

Also, we’ve established that this Spider-Man isn’t qualified to fight supervillains and is expected to call for back-up whenever he runs into one, unless he’s just stupidly prideful (which is, y’know, irresponsible--not very Spidery). For the plot to work, thus we get this dumb conflict where Tony and Hogan apparently ignore Peter’s ass, only for them to ‘heartwarmingly’ reveal that they really have listened and paid attention to his missives. They just, you know, never actually tell him that or really anything (doesn’t Tony seem like the kind of guy who would at least text Peter? Probably a lot? He seems to love hanging out with the Avengers and chatting about superhero stuff otherwise...)

I know Tony is supposed to be that stupid, even after ten movies where the theme is “Tony learns not to be that stupid,” but does that really sound like something Hogan and especially Pepper would go along with?

It’s contrived enough in the first place that we’d end up in a situation where Peter is trying to call Iron Man in on this supervillain hoedown going on right now, but they won’t take his calls, so what happens in the sequel? Peter runs into the Lizard, he calls the Avengers, they say “sorry, kid--we’re all busy”? I’m not ungenerous, I’ll accept that in most solo movies, Thor or Captain America won’t call in the cavalry, but with Spider-Man, isn’t it just child endangerment to say “yeah, we know we’re supposed to help you, but it’s your solo movie, we’re not springing for ScarJo and Hulk’s FX team, we’re already giving Sony fifty percent”?

Maybe when they were ripping off Supergirl’s ‘guy at the computer,’ they should’ve realized how bad it looks when Superman is out there somewhere protecting the world, but won’t help out Supergirl no matter how bad it gets, because either she or he is an idiot.

8. The Vulture

I guess everyone likes the idea of a sympathetic, Walter White Marvel supervillain they didn’t notice the movie doesn’t actually do that? In the very first scene (before the studio logos, even!), he seems like a decent enough guy, but one time-skip later and he’s the Vulture, without seeming the least bit conflicted or remorseful about his actions. (We also immediately see him in costume, and it seems like they should’ve saved that until his first attack on Spider-Man.)

He talks a good game about how oppressed he is, but really, he seems to just do typical supervillain shit like killing his underlings for failing him, only then he literally says “whoops, I meant to use the NOT killing him raygun!” Ambiguity! Who gives a shit?

I, too, like the idea of a supervillain who starts off maybe not that bad and then becomes more desperate and dangerous as Spidey closes in on him, but really, Vulture is just another supervillain with a doomsday plan, only it takes him until the end for him to finally say “yeah, let’s go ahead with the doomsday plan!”

9. There is going to be Iron Man in your Iron Man/Spider-Man team-up movie, right?

I know a lot of people were worried about Iron Man dominating what is, after all, a Spider-Man movie, but I feel somewhat the opposite. If you’re going to have trailers ending in big money shots of Spider-Man and Iron Man running around side by side (shots that weren’t ever in the movie but were filmed just for the trailer) and posters with giant Iron Man front and center.

(This is actually three posters joined together and it’s depicting a scene that doesn’t even happen a little!)

It kinda seems like Iron Man should be important to the plot. Like Black Widow in Winter Soldier. That was a Captain America movie, clearly, but Widow had a big part to play. Homecoming, it seems more like Tony Stark cameos, only that makes it into all the trailers and posters. Why is there not a scene of Spider-Man and Iron Man fighting together? Or even of the Vulture hacking Iron Man and forcing him to fight Spider-Man? Or some development of this Vulture/Iron Man feud that’s alluded to, but then pretty much has nothing to do with anything (tell me, how would the movie be different if, say, Danny Rand had founded Damage Control instead of Stark?).

I’m just saying, if we’re going to have this character in the movie at all, why not use him to the fullest, or somewhere near the fullest? Kinda seems like the most important thing Tony does in this is get back together with Pepper so we can tie up that dangling plot thread from Civil War. 

10. The Shocker

Okay, I know this is pedantic, but it bugs me. So they have the Shocker in this as Vulture’s henchman. That’s fine--Shocker was never going to be anything other than the Scarecrow to other people’s Ra’s al Ghul. But why did they have to handle him in such an awkward way?

First, what happened to his costume? I remember there were behind-the-scenes pictures of it that looked perfectly serviceable.

Even the old video games did a ‘grounded, realistic’ take that looked halfway decent.

The toy looked fine too.

Then in the actual movie...

Oh... he’s that guy with the yellow sleeves holding a laser gun. Wait, two guys. Great.

Fucking Whiplash is dressed to the nines in comparison. What happened?

Then there’s this sequence of events. So in the movie, the OG Shocker is Montana Bryce, played by Logan Marshall-Green. (He really has nothing to do with the Shocker except in Spectacular Spider-Man, where it made sense because the Enforcers were already established characters, so they basically handed the character the tech and said presto, the Shocker.)

(Hence my theory that they’re not so much are adapting the comics than they are the comics’ Wikipedia pages. Well, that and fucking John Hughes movies, because instead of the covers or iconic panels, that’s what they pay homage to.)

Anyway, he fails Vulture, Vulture says “you’ve failed me for the last time” and kills him, then says that Herman Schultz (Shocker I in the comics) is now the Shocker. Herman Schultz--which sounds like something a black teenager would get on his fake ID in a Wayans Bros movie--is played by Bokeem Woodbine, who also seems way too intimidating and competent for the character.

But I guess he’s the official Shocker now and the whole Montana thing was just to show how ruthless the Vulture, except that they walked it back because he’s really sympathetic and honorable, except, except...

I can understand wanting a black supervillain for their Sinister Six movie and it would actually be fitting to the canonical, hard-luck Herman Schultz to end up being killed off and replaced by a more capable character. Y’know, unlike the time von Strucker got defeated in the opening scene then killed off-screen.

The point is, if they’d just switched it so that Logan Marshall-Green (or a more comedic actor) was playing Herman Schultz and Bokeem Woodbine was playing, I don’t know, John Cena/Shocker II, it would fit a hundred times better. But they just didn’t care. 

11. “My friends call me MJ” is stupid and I hate it and I hate you

I shouldn’t have to explain that making a character the exact opposite of any shred of prior characterization she’s had, then ‘revealing’ she really is the character she’s purposely been given no resemblance to is stupid Mystery Box bullshit. It’s like if the next Star Trek movie had a character named “the Sarge” with round ears who constantly guzzled beer and got emotional and said that logic sucked, then at the end, he said “well, my real name is Spock” and then the producer had to go online to say that he’s not the Spock but he is a Spock and him having pointed ears is something only racists care about and anyway he’s a new take on the character, get off our backs!

It’s not even a twist! It’s just giving the audience incorrect information, then declaring that incorrect information is suddenly correct.

But okay! I guess nothing means anything anymore and life is pointless. So let’s say that you have an audience who has never read a Spider-Man comic in their lives. (We’ll call them the target audience.) In fact, they’ve never even heard of Spider-Man. Not Green Goblin, not Doctor Octopus. They didn’t see the Sam Raimi movies or the Marc Webb movies or any of the cartoons. As far as they’re concerned, Spider-Man didn’t exist before he showed up in Civil War (which was very confusing for them, because they didn’t explain his powers or his origin or why he was living with his hot aunt instead of his parents or anything at all).

But this audience watches the movie Spider-Man: Homecoming and takes this character Michelle at face value. At the end, she says “My friends call me MJ.”

Well... so what? That doesn’t change anything for the audience. It doesn’t affect the plot. It’s the equivalent of having Verbal Kint, at the end of The Usual Suspects, reveal that he has a limp and a canker sore. 

Of course we, the prospective audience, do know that Michelle is Peter’s love interest, because she was the top-billed female lead and did all the press with Tom Holland and is the only woman who’s not a Parker family member on the poster. Oh, and because MJ is historically a big Peter Parker love interest. Except we literally don’t know or care anything about her personality or appearance or backstory or relationships with different characters other than that. But for the audience member who knows nothing else about MJ except that she fucks Peter Parker, this is a big deal. Unless in the sequel, they decide not to have her as the love interest after all.

Are you getting my point here? It’s not even a good twist. A good twist would be if the Liz Allan character were referred to as MJ, then at the end it was revealed that it stood for Marion Juliet or whatever, and that she had never been Mary Jane. Or if Zendeya (why doesn’t she have a fucking last name? You’re 20, no 20-year-old has ever been iconic, get over yourself, you’re not goddamn Cher) had said “my friends call me Harriet Osborn,” that at least would’ve been something definitive, because we would’ve known Norman is coming and he’s related to this girl.

But just... this bitch may or may not be their take on Mary Jane and she may or may not get with Peter and that may or may not come to anything... who the hell cares? It’s like a negative twist. Everyone saw it coming and it makes the story less interesting now that it’s been revealed. It’s like if the first episode of How I Met Your Mother ended with Saget saying “oh, I end up with Robin, spoiler alert.” Okay, why are we watching the fucking show now? Either you lied and that information is even more pointless than it already is or you’re going to fuck Cobie Smolders and the whole thing is a foregone conclusion. 

12. Lights! Camera! Action?

The action scenes are all short and unsatisfying, especially given that they’re using the Vulture, yet their prequeletic decision not to let Spider-Man actually web-swing (because he hasn’t earned it yet, dontchaknow) means that they don’t let them have any real memorable aerial duels. I guess so much for the entire reason to use that character.

They have all the ingredients for it to work--numerous henchmen armed with high-tech weaponry, an inexperienced (and borderline incompetent) Spider-Man, yet he pretty much just steam-rolls through everyone by virtue of his Amazing Technicolor Spidey-Suit. It makes you think that’s all that’s keeping him from being completely invulnerable is his own ineptitude and failure to properly utilize his suit. 

It’s like they knew they couldn’t pull off a better action scene than the train sequence in Spider-Man 2, so instead of at least trying to do so--like taking advantage of modern technology to give us a big Vulture fight among the skyscrapers, or giving us the Iron Man/Spider-Man team-up that was the whole point of this movie--they just turned the action scenes into open mic night. Oh, look, Spider-Man’s getting hit with golf balls! And he’s recreating Ferris Bueller jumping on a trampoline from 31-year-old movie Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, all very relevant and modern and updated and today’s youth! Hey, audience, we’re not taking this seriously, so why should you? Just give it a soft pass, c’mon, dontcha like Spider-Man?

I just think that, when you have this smug “we’re going to do it RIGHT” attitude of naming your movie ‘Homecoming’ and (deservedly) throwing the ASM movies under the bus, aren’t you obliged to actually follow through and do Spider-Man right instead of this bastardized hybrid of John Hughes, white Miles Morales, teen movie cliches, political correctness, Tony Stark branding, and all this other crap that has jack all to do with Peter Parker? Because they had the perfect opportunity, with the decoy Liz Allan love interest and setting multiple movies in high school, to actually do a very faithful adaptation of the comics, of Spider-Man’s supporting cast... even just having Mary Jane cameo in a few scenes, being this quipping fun-lover but not yet a love interest, would’ve done so much to make this feel like Spider-Man instead of an Iron Man spin-off. Which is what it is.

[brian-lozano91]

Logan movie review

Logan is the tenth film in the X-Men film universe and the third and the final Wolverine film for Hugh Jackman. The film is directed by James Mangold (3:10 to Yuma, Walk the Line and The Wolverine), and stars Hugh Jackman, Patrick Stewart, Dafne Keen, Boyd Holbrook, Stephen Merchant and Richard E. Grant.  The film synopsis is. In the near future, a weary Logan (Hugh Jackman) cares for an ailing Professor X (Patrick Stewart) at a remote outpost on the Mexican border. His plan to hide from the outside world gets upended when he meets a young mutant (Dafne Keen) who is very much like him. Logan must now protect the girl and battle the dark forces that want to capture her.

Logan is by far the best film of the year, despite being so early in the year and it’s also safe to say that it’s the best superhero movie of all time, even surpassing The Dark Knight. Like The Dark Knight the film is more gritty and realistic. Also the first X-Men and Wolverine film to be rated R. This is the film that I believe that James Mangold wanted to make with The Wolverine, but due to studio interference the movie ended up being lackluster to most people. But thanks to Deadpool and some new studio management Mangold and Hugh Jackman were able to make Logan and do whatever they want to make a good movie. One thing you need to know is that this film is dark and depressing, this is a broken down Wolverine, who is at the end of his ropes. So it’s hard to watch especially if you grew up with this character, but this makes the story so compelling and makes the dialogue more dramatic. Which makes the acting great and in my opinion this is the best performance that Hugh Jackman and Patrick Stewart have done. Hugh Jackman knowing that this was going to be his last film, really goes all out. This is the first time were you really feel for Wolverine. The last X-Men films you cared about him, but in this film you can see how broken this character is. All the X-Men are gone, Prof. X is sick and Logan’s healing isn’t working anymore.

Seeing Wolverine like this, especially since I was kid when I saw the first X-Men movie it was really hard. Just this tough as nails character completely broken was sad. Just the emotion that Hugh Jackman brings to this character is great, The beginning set his character up perfectly and as the film goes on we understand little by little why he’s like this. The same thing with Professor X, the film slowly explains how Professor X got like this, how certain events with him happened and explaining why his relationship with Logan is the way it is. Now we get the new edition to this universe X-23/ Laura. Dafne Keen was fantastic in this film, and this is her first movie, being a kid and this good, her career is gonna go up. Her character was very stoic, she doesn’t say much but through her motions and body movement you can tell how she feels and when she gets angry she gets angry. You can feel her rage through the action scenes and not just her but Logan as well. Speaking of action, the action in this movie is fantastic. It’s brutal and well shot, it’s so great because Wolverine is supposed to be a rated R character and to finally see a movie with him that utilizes that well is awesome. Before Wolverine would kill people and their would be no blood. Not here the violence in here is glorious, can’t say enough good things about it. But what also makes it glorious is that their is not a lot of action, action is spread out and what I mean by that is unlike other action films where there's overtop action every five minutes not giving us a breather. No this film knows when to put them in and they feel appropriate, and not grotesque at all.

They also break movie cliches in this film. For example, (some spoilers ahead)  they get into a car and about to go through a fence Logan says “Hang on.” Now when someone says that in a movie they usually plow through the fence, but in this they get stuck and have to move backwards killing everyone with the fence stuck to the car. It’s a clever idea on making an action scene. Then later on close to the end the evil scientist is explaining his evil plan and instead of listening to the whole speech, Logan shoots him in the head and his dead. That’s great, in other movies you 90% of the time you hear the villain monologue this one they cut it off and I love it. Also (big spoiler) in the film they elude that Professor X killed the X-Man, one of the reasons is because he has these seizures. But never flat out tell you that he killed them they mention it and it's left to our imagination on what exactly happen. I loved that because they treat the audience with respect, they treat us like adults. We are not spoon fed information, there is no flashback on what happen. We are told by Prof. X, who is crying and finally realizes what he did.

As far as the technical aspects go, it’s really good. The cinematography is great, giving beautiful backgrounds that make it look like a true western. Also their was a scene at night at the farm, and they shot like a horror movie. Which is great because the way the scene plays out, Professor X get’s killed by Logan. But it’s a clone of Logan, it played out like an episode of the Twilight Zone. Very dark and surreal, because we don’t know what’s happening in the beginning of the scene and the revelation on Logan’s face was great and horrifying. Especially when he see’s Professor X, then the family dying that was a dark scene.

I have no negatives in this film, I can’t think of anything. I feel this film was perfect, well executed and I feel James Mangold and Hugh Jackman finally made the Wolverine film they wanted to make. This film deserves all the awards and accolades that I’m sure it will get at the end of the year. Also if the academy doesn’t nominated this film for best picture and nominated Hugh Jackman and Patrick Stewart I’m officially done with the academy and I have no hope for them. Film like this comes around every couple years and it should be celebrated, I had been waiting for that superhero movie to beat The Dark Knight and it finally happen. Go see this movie, even if you don’t like the X-Men, Wolverine or superhero movies you should watch this. Even if you remotely enjoy watching movies you need to see this. I love this movie and it was a fitting end to my hero that I grew up with.

5 out of 5 stars.

[glenngaylord]

MY MOMENTS OUT OF TIME IN FILM 2016

Instead of a Top 10 List, every year I like to honor a long-discontinued but influential annual column from Film Comment magazine. I couldn’t wait for my father to come home from work with the “Moments Out Of Time” issue.  The writers would cite their favorite scenes, images, or lines of dialogue, even from films they may not have liked, because let’s face it, even bad films may have a great moment or two, unless you were a film called DIRTY GRANDPA.  In that case, you had no such moments.  None.  Not one.  Can you tell it wins the award, hands down, for worst film of 2016?  No?  Ok, I’ll say it.  It’s the WORST FILM OF 2016 and possibly every year that preceded it.  And remember, I also saw INDEPENDENCE DAY: RESURGENCE.  I feel better now.  Let’s move on to all good things.  This was a pretty spectacular year for film.  Some of the best allowed their films to breathe, to find glimmers of real human connection, or to remind us that movie-movie moments are sometimes way better than real life. Others made their mark by diving off the deep end, face first.  I missed a few films that I understand would surely make the cut, such as THE HANDMAIDEN, SILENCE, and HACKSAW RIDGE, but I’ll get to them eventually. Here, in no particular order, are my Moments Out Of Time in film for 2016:

Forget the elections.  Amy Adams, huffing and puffing as she rises into an alien spaceship, was all the fear and dread I needed in 2016.  Her intimate, deeply felt performance grounds this epic film and makes you feel like its grand themes are being whispered gently into your ears - ARRIVAL

Until now, I’ve never experienced a movie audience shuddering in unison from a line of dialogue (my favorite of the year) like they did with this vivid piece of work by the late, great August Wilson: “We go upstairs in that room at night, and I fall down on you and try to blast a hole into forever.”  - FENCES

Just two women sitting down for a cup of tea and cakes on a “fancy” tiered tray talking about how to please their men.  A harpist plays in the background and the all-female crowd wear floppy hats, pant-suits and flowing gowns.  Add false eyelashes, dense mascara, and all the pink its incredible DIY director, Anna Biller, can muster, and you’re convinced you just dropped the needle anywhere in VALLEY OF THE DOLLS, but, in truth, it’s 2016 and you realize this film has something on its mind - THE LOVE WITCH

For all of its eye-popping scenes, and there are many in this sometimes great (that opening freeway number?!!), sometimes flawed musical, its immortal moment arrives when Emma Stone simply stands and sings “Audition (The Fools Who Dream)” - LA LA LAND

Before LA LA LAND, Channing Tatum, tapping about in his sailor suit during “No Dames”, and Scarlett Johansson in her mermaid getup going all Esther Williams on us, showed us how an old-fashioned musical is done - HAIL, CAESAR!

And yes folks, 2016 gave us another great musical where we experienced the entire creative process of writing and performing songs.  Set in the 1980s, we see a bullied kid watch MTV videos by The Jam, The Cure, Duran Duran and more, examine events in his own life or simply find inspiration from a girl he loves, and then set it to glorious music.  For me, nowhere was this more defiant and wonderful than in the protest song “Brown Shoes” where he voices his anger at his strict school principal.  The lyrics make me wanna stand up for all of the glorious, put-upon weirdos of the world: Yeah the boot’s on the other foot now/Buckle up we’re taking you down/See the curtain’s falling so take your bow/Cause you had your time in the sun/And it’s no use banging your drum/Now the boot’s on the other foot take your bow - SING STREET

Thrillers get a bad rap when it comes to awards.  Think about it.  One of the only films of its kind to win a Best Picture Oscar was THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS and that was in 1991.  While not quite on that level, this film perfectly delivers beautifully sustained suspense and scares.  Just the sight of cutting back to a sleeping blind man (a fantastic Stephen Lang) only to see that he’s now sitting up, proved to be THE most haunting edit of the year - DON’T BREATHE

In a film chock full of moments out of time (and seriously, why isn’t it getting Oscar buzz?), the one that punched me in the gut the most was when a dying Molly Shannon visits her former colleagues and can barely even speak above a whisper.  Through it all, she maintains a brave face. She tries to tell a story about a student but one of her peers keeps interrupting because she can’t hear her. The subtext of how some people cannot handle being around a dying person is palpable. Heartbreaking, memorable, great, great, work - OTHER PEOPLE

Emulating her mentor, the great James L. Brooks, first timer Kelly Fremon Craig nails his quirky rhythms in the opening scene in which Hailee Steinfeld doesn’t get the desired response from her teacher (a sublime Woody Harrelson) when she threatens suicide - THE EDGE OF SEVENTEEN

Two men sit in a diner, in an achingly beautiful, deliberate scene, where in the back of your mind, you wonder what song will play on the jukebox.  Barbara Lewis’ great “Hello Stranger” with its appropriately touching lyrics (Shoo-bop, shoo-bop, my baby ohhh / It seems like a mighty long time) make the moment soar.  Has a song ever been repurposed so profoundly? - MOONLIGHT

Best Movie Speech of the Year: Do you see that guitar? I used to be able to play that guitar well. I used to ride hot girls. I could run 200 meters faster than anybody in my school. You're the youngest. You get to follow the path that I macheted through the jungle that is our mad family. I was alone with them for six years. You think they're crazy now? Think about what they were like when they were in their late 20's. Two Catholics in a rented flat with a screaming baby who just got married because they wanted to have sex. They didn't even love each other. I was in the middle of that, alone! And then you came along, thank God! And you followed the path that I cut for us. Untouched. You just moved in my jet stream. And people laugh at me, Conor. The stoner, the college dropout. And they praise you, which is fine! But once, I was a fucking jet engine! - SING STREET

2nd Best Movie Speech of the Year (I initially put this at #1 until I remembered that there’s no better advice than that which comes from a loving older sibling):  First of all, Leslie practiced Buddhism, which to her was a philosophy and not an organized religion. In fact, Leslie abhorred all organized religions. To her, they were the most dangerous fairy tales ever invented, designed to elicit blind obedience, and strike fear into the hearts of the innocent and the uninformed. To her, the only thing worse than death would have been the knowledge that her rotting flesh was to be trapped for all eternity inside a big box, and buried in the middle of a fucking golf course. Although the absurdity of being eulogized by someone that didn't even know her has exactly the kind of comedic flourish that Leslie would have cherished. If nothing else, she had a sense of humor. - CAPTAIN FANTASTIC

Ralph Fiennes and Alden Ehrenreich square off over the pronunciation of “Would that it were so simple” in my second favorite deliciously extended back and forth of the year - HAIL, CAESAR!

Michael Barbieri, a young discovery who has caught Hollywood’s attention, practices the Meisner Technique with his acting professor in my #1 favorite deliciously extended back and forth of the year - LITTLE MEN

Any film that illustrates a child’s resilience and delusions by having him say that he and Tupac Shakur were best friends gets a standing clap from me - HUNT FOR THE WILDERPEOPLE

I cried when a little boy wakes up on a train, separated from the life he once knew. I cried when a grown man sees a dessert from his childhood.  I cried when a family reunion takes place.  I cried when the title card appeared at the end right after revealing its meaning.  I cried during this movie more than any other in 2016 - LION

I only cried twice during this film -  when Sigourney Weaver breaks down with her grandson, and when mother and son have a tender final talk - so it’s no LION, but it still packed a wallop - A MONSTER CALLS

A dinner table conversation turns to the topic of menstruation and becomes a feminist rallying cry from now until forever - 20TH CENTURY WOMEN

Some may call it an Oscar-baiting ploy, but Viola Davis earned every drop of tears and mucous in her big, cathartic moment - FENCES

The band can’t get the production value needed for their music video shoot to “Drive It Like You Stole It”, but Conor, our young hero, imagines all of the people in his life showing up and creating the one perfect moment we all wish for in this magical, unforgettable sequence - SING STREET

Lily Rabe blends fact and fiction so perfectly in her big monologue where she talks about her mother, a former actress who made a big splash but then faded away.  Seeing how her real life mother was Jill Clayburgh, you can’t help but think she wrote this dialogue herself.  True or not, she puts herself on a par with her late, great mom with this breakthrough performance - MISS STEVENS

My distaste of all things Superheroes is well-documented, but the wit of the screenplay, especially in one of the most memorable and hilarious opening credit sequences of all time, may make a temporary convert out of me.  Set to Juice Newton’s 1981 cover of  “Angel Of The Morning”, standard credits have been replaced by such titles as “Some Douchebag’s Film” and “All brought to you by the Writers (a.k.a. “the real heroes here”) - DEADPOOL

Sex scenes are all the same.  Right?  Soft music.  A lit candle.  Arms and legs intertwined.  You’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.  Well, obviously, you haven’t seen two accomplished gymnasts put their own crazily athletic spin on it in what has to be the funniest sex scene ever filmed  - THE BRONZE

It was a great year for cinematography.  Linus Sandgren’s miraculous “single take” on the crowded freeway or James Laxton’s haunting moonlit blue final image of the young Chiron staring right at us definitely entered the pantheon of indelible images.  Same goes for Jarin Blaschke’s desaturated, viscerally wet look at a farm on the edge of a foreboding forest - LA LA LAND/MOONLIGHT/THE WITCH

After a well-contained chamber piece set in a bunker, everything goes off the rails the minute our heroine steps outdoors in a trippy, totally bonkers sci-fi sequence that made me so, so, so happy- 10 CLOVERFIELD LANE

If you’re a skilled pilot, when you see a flock of seagulls in front of your hurtling jet, screaming isn’t appropriate.  Instead, you conjure up your years of experience, use your calm, analytical mind and simply state, “Birds” - SULLY

How does toxic masculinity factor into problem solving?  Why, you simply punch another guy right in the face when he disagrees with you! - THE LOVE WITCH

After watching her play to the back rows on EMPIRE, isn’t it refreshing to know that Taraji P. Henson can win your heart with cat eye glasses, pleated skirts, chalk, a giant math equation, and, most importantly, unshakeable will and smarts - HIDDEN FIGURES

Who knew that one could bare their soul by talking about a matchbox? - PATERSON

Up is down and down is up as a team of humans enter an oddly-shaped craft.  Inside is a vast, empty charcoal black expanse.  Aliens look like elephant trunks, communicate in smoky circles, and time isn’t linear.  Welcome to the new sci-fi - ARRIVAL

Which do you prefer?  The Talking Heads or Black Flag?  Sometimes two people can find out everything they need to know about each other and the people around them by dancing around a room to music - 20TH CENTURY WOMEN

I knew it was coming.  Throughout the film, the sexual tension was palpable and then the moment arrived…a full-blown (pun intended), no-holds-barred orgy by the horny unshackled food items at a grocery store and it’s as food pornographic as you would hope - SAUSAGE PARTY

Emma Stone imagines what would have happened if she had zigged instead of zagged in a truly dazzling, wordless musical sequence inspired by AN AMERICAN IN PARIS and SINGIN’ IN THE RAIN but emotionally more astounding - LA LA LAND

In a film with very little merit, I still loved the “Elephant Bukkake Party”. Disgusting and hilarious - GRIMSBY

So the gut-wrenching suspense, the kid lying unconscious on a slowly cracking window pane, the horrors in that basement…none of that was enough for you?  Have your loyalties ever shifted so many times in a movie? Not entertained enough? Ok, fine.  Let’s give you a gloriously extended sequence involving a girl, a car, and a very assertive dog.  CUJO’s got nothing on this endlessly surprising film - DON’T BREATHE

Nailing the former First Lady’s stilted speaking voice as she tours us through the White House, Natalie Portman exudes fragility and strength - JACKIE

Jeff Nichols understands unexpected moments.  Although the film turns oddly cheesy in its final act, I won’t soon forget the way things fall from the sky at a gas station - MIDNIGHT SPECIAL

Forget Black Phillip, the scariest goat in all of cinematic history (or is he the only one?), the real fear in this film came just watching a poor, exiled family trying to find food.  Although having a goat seduce a person by asking “Wouldst thou like to live deliciously?” is pretty damn chilling - THE WITCH

I’m a firm believer that despite Leah Rimini’s extremely moving portrayal of dangerous cults, most aren’t of the highly organized, murderous variety.  This makes the final shot of the red lanterns so ridiculous, but I’ve got to hand it to the filmmakers, it’s incredibly memorable - THE INVITATION

A worn-out, exhausted waitress, played by the scene-stealing Margaret Bowman, in a dusty Texas diner, warily approaches a table and asks her customers, “What don’t you want?” in this seemingly random scene that ends up perfectly illustrating the fatigue that has set in on a floundering USA - HELL OR HIGH WATER

After a long exhausting weekend of partying and baseball practice, our hero starts his first day of college by nodding off in class as “Let The Good Times Roll” by The Cars plays on the soundtrack - EVERYBODY WANTS SOME!!

I didn’t love the film, but I’ll never forget the sudden violence when the late Anton Yelchin gets his hand nearly sliced off or when Imogen Poots uses a box cutter to unexpectedly disembowel a man - THE GREEN ROOM

Mowgli and a herd of animals brave a treacherous mountain pass as mud slides all around them  in a staggering achievement in live action/CGI animation - THE JUNGLE BOOK

Nothing came as close to celebrating women as much as the image of Annette Bening in an open-air plane soaring above the clouds - 20TH CENTURY WOMEN

Although I wasn’t a fan of the film as a whole, Tom Bennet’s goofy performance charmed me and Kate Beckinsale relished every single one of her razor-sharp lines, such as when her Lady Susan walks in on a stunned, frozen group of people and exclaims, “What a delightful family pose” - LOVE & FRIENDSHIP

A boy pores over a skin magazine as a car drops off a cliff behind him and crashes through his home.  A case study in anticipation and delivery - THE NICE GUYS

Three words:  The Exorcism Scene - THE WAILING

Emily Meade nearly walks away with this film in her one big moment as the incredibly angry girlfriend of a hostage taker in my second favorite female scene stealing cameo of the year - MONEY MONSTER

Khandi Alexander outplays the outrageous amount of testosterone on display by forcing us to hang onto her every word as she repeated the question over and over, “Are there any other bombs?” in my #1 favorite female scene stealing cameo of the year  -  PATRIOTS DAY

Having seen as many films as I have, one usually can see plot twists coming from a mile away, but the big reveal in this film caught me totally off guard and put a big old lump in my throat - ARRIVAL

A young kid asks the closest thing he has to a father figure, a drug dealer played by the magnificent Mahershala Ali, what a faggot is.  The response he gets is so unexpected, it makes you rethink how easy it is to judge a book by its cover - MOONLIGHT

If you’ve seen the first one, then you know the minute you see an airbag what’s gonna happen, but it doesn’t make it any less funny - NEIGHBORS 2

Colin Farrell woos a cruel, cold sociopath played by Angeliki Papoulia in a hot tub by trying to prove he’s just as awful in the least cute meet cute scene of the year - THE LOBSTER

The glowing triangle during the fashion show is this year’s unexplainable 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY monolith.  It’s just there and things change. - THE NEON DEMON

I honestly couldn’t make out the lyrics most of the time, it had very little to do with the story, and the melody escaped my brain the minute I heard it, but who cares?  Wouldn’t life be better if everyone caught in a traffic jam suddenly started dancing? - LA LA LAND

I could listen to this great director talk for days about all the moving parts in the famous CARRIE prom sequence, because his amazing recall and zeal for storytelling is infectious - DE PALMA

To say you’ve witnessed the best dog diarrhea tracking shot of all time seems cheap, considering it’s probably the only one, but damn, it’s the best dog diarrhea tracking shot of all time -  WIENER-DOG

I didn’t love everything about the movie, but Anna Faris playing herself as a coked-up tweaker possibly outshines Michael Cera as himself in THIS IS THE END.  Also, bonus points for paying sublime tribute to the late George Michael in that hilarious car scene - KEANU

The sight of blood on a pink Chanel suit makes an event so well-known to people around the world feel so intensely personal - JACKIE

What kind of woman would invite her rapist down to a secluded basement?  It’s a very good question and one that Paul Verhoeven and Isabelle Huppert bravely tackle in this biting, perverted gem - ELLE

Many shunned this film because of the controversy surrounding its writer/director/star and co-story writer, but for those who saw it, it’s unlikely you’ll ever forget the most horrifyingly brutal dental scene since MARATHON MAN - THE BIRTH OF A NATION

With Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s face eerily placed on the body of a plump, naked teen who sings along in the shower to En Vogue’s “Never Gonna Get It”, it plays as a moment of pure, unbridled joy, until it gets all hate-crimey - CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE

A chair cracks over the back of a bully in one of the more explosive, well-earned acts of violence in movie history - MOONLIGHT

Think what you will as to whether or not criminal behavior took place, my takeaway was that I work so hard when I could be making easy money by tying a guy to a chair and tickling him! - TICKLED

Skewering the briefing scenes from TMZ may seem like an easy target, but Will Arnett finds the right maniacal tone to keep you laughing longer than you thought possible - POPSTAR: NEVER STOP NEVER STOPPING

A door to a fleabag motel gets opened to the truly horrifying site of a mountain lion stalking the room, which made me rethink complaining about the sandpaper-like towels the last time I stayed in a Motel 6 - THE NEON DEMON

Danny DeVito, as a dead-inside film school professor and failed screenwriter, interviews a prospective student and cannot get him to name one film that has influenced him.  It’s a scene that speaks to a generation that looks at millennials as being completely uninterested in history - WIENER-DOG

In a year filled with intentionally scary movies, nothing chilled me more to the bone than the sight of Michel, the overly tanned cult leader who parades around in Speedos and sexually molests many of his followers - HOLY HELL

This dialogue exchange between Colin Farrell’s David and the brilliant Olivia Colman as the Hotel Manager cuts to the heart of this film’s brittle genius: HOTEL MANAGER: Now have you thought about what animal you’d like to be if you end up alone?  DAVID: Yes, a lobster.  HOTEL MANAGER: A lobster is an excellent choice. - THE LOBSTER

I don’t care what your sexual orientation is, the sight of Blake Lively kicking ass and taking names all while wearing an amazing bikini is hot in anyone’s book - THE SHALLOWS

In a film sorely lacking in memorable lines, Kristen Wiig still manages a perfectly timed moment after being slimed with this fun dialogue:  “That stuff went everywhere, by the way. In every crack.” - GHOSTBUSTERS

Sometimes great actors can salvage a bad movie.  She doesn’t quite do that here, but between this and THE CLOUDS OF SILS MARIA, Kristen Stewart is so warm and wonderful that I can forgive her TWILIGHT years - CAFE SOCIETY

In an otherwise disappointing TV-to-screen adaptation, the airplane scene, in which Flight Attendant Rebel Wilson uses a taser on Joanna Lumley’s Patsy, worked like a charm, especially when Patsy’s response to it is, “Cheers.  Can’t get that on British Airways.” - ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS

In one of the best, more under-appreciated films of the year, Gillian Jacobs plays an improv comic who repeats the line “Has anyone had a particularly bad day?” to audiences throughout the film, perfectly setting the stage for things to come - DON’T THINK TWICE

Meryl Streep makes everything better, am I right?  While playing a rich, talentless singer, she tries to write lyrics to an instrumental piece presented by her pianist and mutters out “…mmm..mmm…mmm…the trees”, proving once and for all that not everybody is Lennon and McCartney - FLORENCE FOSTER JENKINS

Driving through dirty, dusty alleys while hightailing it away from a bank robbery never seemed more desolate or grim, which is exactly the type of America this film exposes - HELL OR HIGH WATER

My vote for film score of the year goes to Mica Levi, who blazed a trail with UNDER THE SKIN, and continues to probe inside the minds of the characters, finding beauty and dissonance in our grieving heroine - JACKIE

The Art Direction awards usually go to a sumptuous period piece.  Slap a bunch of Louis XIV furniture in a room and you’re taking home an Oscar for sure.  What production designer Thomas Hammock did with an endless maze of a house, a new grotesquerie at every turn, would merit every prize in my book, but that’s not how the world works - BLAIR WITCH

Speaking of which, “Witch” is a lucky word for Production Designers this year. Craig Lathrop did incredible work bringing to life that isolated farm and Anna Biller not only wrote/produced/directed/edited and costume designed, but she brought every set to impeccable, garish life, going so far as to paint every piece of graphic art on the walls - THE WITCH/THE LOVE WITCH

Say what you will about the movie.  I didn’t love it, but by the end, I’m willing to bet that some people booked tickets to the profoundly gorgeous Newfoundland for a secluded getaway vacation - CLOSET MONSTER

How is it possible to play drunk so convincingly yet still make it seem ripe for parody?  When you’re Emily Blunt in a terrible, GONE GIRL ripoff.  That’s how. - THE GIRL ON THE TRAIN

In a movie filled with the horrors of fraternity hazing rituals, none of that could hold a candle to the early sequence in which two strangers casually hitch a ride from our hero and insidiously transform that moment into something truly terrifying - THE GOAT

That final scene, in which two opposing forces have a choice of either killing each other or walking away, beautifully makes the point that the world is filled with enemies who have to figure out how to coexist - HELL OR HIGH WATER

To hear a recording of a casual, humorous conversation by one of the most abhorrent dictators of all time, North Korea’s Kim Jong Il, reminds us that true evil is sometimes covered up by incredible charm - THE LOVERS AND THE DESPOT

James Franco in crazy mode has become a cliche by now, but hearing him shout “No little bitches!” while he works out with his boyfriend, will always be the first thing that comes to mind when discussing this movie - KING COBRA

I still don’t know what it means.  Was he making fun of overweight women or celebrating them?  What does it have to do with the rest of the film?  Did Amy Adams protest having her name over one of those images?  There are the questions I asked myself as I watched the baffling but, sure, memorable opening credits - NOCTURNAL ANIMALS

One of the more humane moments in any film this year comes during a rotoscoped reenactment from a documentary in which a  pregnant student lies in a quad next to her dead boyfriend, who has been shot by a sniper.  A stranger makes her way to them and offers compassion and hope at a moment where both seemed to be lost for good - TOWER

This film didn’t have as big of an effect on me as I had hoped, but there’s no denying that Michelle Williams knows how to move you when she encounters her ex-husband (Casey Affleck) and fails at convincing him to have lunch - MANCHESTER BY THE SEA

I love it when usually reticent actors get a chance to blossom.  All it took for Jessica Chastain was the chance to stare down the camera to find her extremely confident voice - MISS SLOANE

People ask me all the time, “Hey Glenn!  Is a bad movie worth seeing if you get to see Chris Pratt’s butt?”  My answer is and will always be, “Only if your GOOGLE IMAGE search fails to deliver the goods” - PASSENGERS

Speaking of butts, it wouldn’t be inappropriate to ask “Did you see the ass on that tree?” after seeing this film - A MONSTER CALLS

We never learn her name or know anything about her, but a butch lesbian police officer (or at least that’s what I thought they were going for) refuses to budge from her vantage point of one of the Boston Marathon bombers when the FBI try to take over.  Yet another woman who steals this male-dominated movie away from her co-stars - PATRIOTS DAY

[brittneybb1988-blog]

Fuck boi. Installment 1

It’s 3:07am. On a cold Wednesday night. Hump day was our thing. We humped on hump day ( now that I think about it ...once) and you made that joke to me... after of course and I think that’s when I fell a little bit more in like with you.

I am laying here wide awake. Unable to stop my self from thinking about you.

Wondering if you are thinking of me too.

But of course you aren’t. You are cuddled up with her. I am sure you haven’t even given me a second thought. You sun of a mothering fucking beach. You lied. You lied to me... and I believed you. Hung on your every word. Felt sorry for you. I feel like such an idiot.

Anyway , it’s 3:11am now. I should stop thinking about you. Because you sure as Shit aren’t thinking about me. There’s no possible way you could have ever cared for me ... or “respected” me as you once said.

People who care about other people... don’t do what you did.

There are three sides to every story. I only have mine. And I have to tell it. Because it’s eating me up inside that I got tricked sooooo badly. I know some of you reading this are thinking “same” and I wish you weren’t.

Here’s my story of the ultimate fuck boi. The one... you know the one. The one who played you for a fool. The one who made you feel like the only girl in the world. And then for some reason... left you standing alone... crying by your car on Friday the 13th. The one who made you feel bad for him AS HE WAS BREAKING UP WITH YOU!

Who the fuck does that?

It’s 3:16am now. This is helping me feel better. I feel like I need to vent this. Share it with the world. And I need to do it in just the right way. It’s hard to let someone know just how much they hurt you. But I’ll never tell anyone ( except all of you ) how bad this one got me. Where to start this story? “Of the two week fling” “ just forget about me” fuuuuuck you. (Those are things he has said after the fact) like whoa Bro don’t tell me how to feel 😂 I wish I could just let this go. Why can’t I just Elsa it and let this mothering fucking all of it go? I’ll tell you why, cause I was a fool. I feel slighted and taken advantage of.

Also never ever date anyone at work. Sure some people get married to their co workers but you have to remember.... they are the exception not the rule. And honey... I am the rule.

I decided to quit my job of five years. A week before my 5 year anniversary. I had loved my job. Still love my old co workers to death. They are amazing and I only stayed as long as I did because I loved them. I just woke up one day and said I hate my life. I applied for 17 jobs that day. The first one to call... was an hour and a half after I applied. I had my little phone interview... face to face the next day. I was offered the job Thursday of that week. I applied Monday . Quick turn around!

I wasn’t sure I’d go through with it. Leaving my cozy job I hated making lots of money for a chance at something new. With less pay. I kind of regret this choice now. But mostly, I am grateful I did it. My new job has a lot of pluses. And mostly I am happy. I know I promised you a story about a fuck boi... I am getting there . You have to know where it started. And I’d like to think... it started when I put my 2 week notice in on my five year anniversary. And quit my old job. Out with the old Britney... in with the new.

How weird to care about a job again? It had been easily 2 years since I gave a rats ass about my job. That’s a long time. A long time. I still miss it sometimes. I mean it was only 4 months ago. I guess I do have feelings. I care a lot . I just try to hide it. I have a terrible fear of being vulnerable. That’s a whole other story though.

I started my new job July 10th . After some encouraging words from an old boss/ fling. He always has had my best interests at heart. Which is endearing and sweet baby Jesus am I glad he got promoted shortly after I took the position. It was nice to see him but holy crazy. Again, that’s another story. ( are you seeing a trend? Maybe it’s me that’s crazy! I’ll tell this story and you can be the judge)

So I start the new job. I decided I’d create a new persona. Super nice and forgiving And I’d wear dresses and makeup everyday. Really try for this new job. And I did. Still do. Training for this new job was 90 days. Three months . Three long months. I vowed not to date anyone at work early into training. I’d done that before... it never works out. Maybe it’s me.

Then one day... I’d say like my third week of training... I saw him. Sitting on the other side of the call center. Tall , semi handsome and you know what? I won’t lie to you... I fell in that moment. I fell hard for this bearded stranger. He was physically everything I’d ever wanted in a man. Nice smile, easy on the eyes and wearing a Deadpool shirt with tacos on it. My dream guy . I wish I could take the moment back. I wish so so much I could take it all back. But I can’t.

This hurts more writing it then I thought it would. I feel so vulnerable. And if he ever reads this... I think it would make it worse. But he’s not really into this style of writing so I think I am safe? Fuck it. I get to tell my side. For me. No one owns me. No one gets to down play my feelings. Not even you.

It’s now 3:41am. I am currently trying to get my self back together. No one really knows how bad this rocked me. I am always the tough girl. But this one really hurt. And it hasn’t stopped hurting. I am doing what I always do. Fake it til you make it. And it was working. It really was. Until the latest little update in this saga. And now it feels like I have been hurt all over again. As I write this... I seriously wonder if anyone gives a flying fuck about this. About me. About my story. I’ll never let anyone read this... so we will never know.

Anyway. Back to the day that ruined my life. It’s 3:44am now. I’ll write until 4am and then I like have to go to bed.

I saw him. Made eye contact and I Shit you not... I fell in love right there. Right on the spot. I know Love is a strong word. For only knowing someone such a short time. But I loved him. In that moment. And for a while after.

Any way... after the eye contact. I tried to avoid him. It was the first time I’d seen him... how hard could it be? Answer : very hard. I started seeing him everywhere. Out side... walking by my desk. I thought it was all a coincidence... I found out later I was wrong. So wrong.

It took me a long time to say hi. He’d say hi... I’d not reply. Then one day... I told him I liked his shirt. A few weeks later... I sat at his desk in training. And I looked through his stuff. Because I am nosey as fuck. And I ran into him outside later that day... and told him I looked through his stuff. And that I liked his hat. He then gifted me this hat. ( which has since been gifted to my best friends child because fuck that noise. Thanks for ruining Pikachu for me, you dirty lying cunt)

Update ... it’s 350am. I am getting tired. I wonder if I should like post this somewhere? Or if I should just close my eyes and go to sleep. Pray the lord my soul to keep. Do re mi so fucking done with you girl! Lol

Where does one ever post this? Nah can’t post it. One person reads this that I know... and they will know it’s me. I can’t lie or hide very well. Even if it’s all name changed. Fuck it. Maybe they won’t. Maybe they will. What’s going to make me feel better? All this inner monologue. I sound crazy as fuck right now. *giggle* maybe I am.

Fuck it. Let’s post it. If anyone thinks I should keep going... with the story. I will. Fuck it . I will anyway .

Here goes nothing.

[vlogwithking]

Top 10 Movie Characters That Should Start A Vlog Channel

Here are some movie characters that could inspire you to something different with your vlog!

Okay, so obviously, it can’t just be any characters. That’s way too broad. Let's narrow down the list to characters who have shown a habit of addressing the audience directly.

So the picks will be based on how consistent and creative they do this. 

Extra points for ideas that could inspire YOUR VLOG today.

Read on for the full transcript or watch the video here.

https://www.facebook.com/vlogwithking/videos/1999817620299356/

If you’re just starting to vlog or want to get better. Consider joining. I make weekly videos about getting better at vlogging through storytelling.

With that said. Let’s get right to it.

10. Jordan Belfort - The Wolf of Wall Street

Ok, he’s a real person I know. So I can’t really put him any higher than this. 

But he’s got legit bad boy rep, he was pleaded guilty to fraud and manipulation of stock market back in the 90s.

Lambos? Check. Recklessness? Check. Big parties? Check. Hungry followers? Check.

And since he wasn’t exactly an honest guy, he probably won’t care about exaggerating any of the things that happen on his vlog.

Lessons Learned:

If you entertain people by being obnoxious, be sure to invite friends to be reckless with you.

Dial everything to an eleven

9. Rob Gordon - High Fidelity

While this one not as well known as the others, it is one of the few movies on this list that's almost completely told in this 1st person perspective.

He owns a record store and is obsessed with making top 5 lists.

Here are a few highlights

Rob's desert island, all time, top five most memorable breakups

Your top five worst things that you have done to your partner, even if – especially if – your partner doesn't know about them

Rob's top five angry songs about women

Since he turns to us throughout the movie telling us his most inner thoughts of his relationships, maybe that’s great idea for a relationship channel? Or, at least, a comically look at what not to do when looking for love?

Lessons Learned:

Make top 5 lists of everything can be fun

Study the way the pieces together his monologues while going about his life.

8. Amélie - Amélie

Speaking of love, she’s probably the most charming French character in search of romance. 

It’s a shame she didn’t speak to the camera enough, but whenever she spoke to us, it’s always a treat.

If you’re looking add a more whimsical perspective in life. She’ll probably be able to show you how to deliver content like little pranks, little delights in small pleasures, and little adventures like returning a lost tin box to a man who hasn’t seen it for 40 years. 

Lessons Learned:

Make the mundane magical.

Find adventures in the world around you

Stay curious

7. Harry Lockhart - Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Here’s a more story driven vlog. A guy who is a thief mistaken for an actor, who then gets mistaken to be a killer... or something like that.

You’ve probably haven’t seen this movie.

But he gets extra points for some clever idea in addressing the audience.

First, he doesn’t just tell the whole story with narration, he also speaks directly to the audience directly.

“How ‘bout it filmgoer? Have you solved the case with the dead people in L.A.?”

Secondly, wondering aloud whether a scene should’ve been included or not.

”Ok, I apologize. That was a terrible scene. It’s like, why was that in the movie, geez!”

He also tells people to move over while visualize a memory from the past.

Now, it’s questionable whether all this is sustainable, because it’s not every day you stumbled upon a dead body.

Lessons Learned:

Use narration to add another dimension of your story, revealing either your thoughts that you had, or thoughts that you had while you edit your vlog.

6. Deadpool - Deadpool

This guy can do no wrong. And, you’ve got give it up to his social media campaigns. Being self-aware goes a long way.

We can also learn a thing or two about slowing down, and not take yourself seriously, and no matter the situation.

If all else fails, he can just cut off his arm and he’ll probably get a bajillion views.

But one does have to wonder though, does vlogging kill off the whole 4th wall break that he’s famous for? If speaking to the camera is the norm for vlogging, then there are no 4th walls to break then?

Lessons Learned:

Make jokes about everything.

Remember there’s no need to be stressed when trouble comes your way. In fact, those make the most interesting vlogs.

5. Alvy Singer - Annie Hall

OK, I’ll admit, I didn’t know this one. This is from 1977. I mean I wasn’t even born yet, but it turns out to be pretty good. I guess you don’t win 4 Oscars for nothing.

One thing I know for sure is he’ll have no problem vlogging because this guy just keeps talking non-stop. Quipping about anything and everything on his mind.

Another thing that’s kinda cool is he’ll also re-enact scenes in his story.

Then at any time, he’ll stop his re-enactment to tell us exactly what he’s thinking.

And even bringing real people into the show. Collaboration at its finest.

But, I guess I’m not sure kids these days can relate to a guy from the 70s. 

Lessons Learned:

Re-enact your stories, only to pause everything while you give a monologue

Or, bring in a collaborator during one of these pauses to explain for comedic effect.

4. Tyler Durden - Fight Club

While he doesn’t address the audience enough in the movie nab a top 3 spot.

One thing we know is that Tyler Durden has no problem with creating a following.

While it might be interesting to see the inner workings of their underground boxing club, it doesn’t necessarily promote a good message.

The last thing we want is millions of subs getting an assignment to start fights with strangers.

But expect a lot of pranks, that’s always entertaining.

Expect motivational philosophies

And lastly, expect corporate sponsorship, lots and lots of ads.

But with that said, if he vlogged though, does that mean he’ll figure out his identity twist right away?

Lessons Learned:

Pranks are always fun. Find some pranks you can do to your close friends.

Articulate your worldview. Figure out what is that message you want to get across.

Start incorporating brands into your lifestyle

3. Wayne Campbell - Wayne's World

These guys have an identity crisis.

They’re definitely not shy from being goofy, and they’ve already got the experience of starting their own show.

There’s something to be said about the ability to publish content that’s cringe-worthy, that’s how we get better right?

Not taking themselves seriously enough is what leads to a creative ending where they change endings on the fly.

And if their jokes aren’t landing, at least it’s super easy for to shameless plug sponsorship as a joke. Savvy move.

Lessons Learned:

Don’t take yourself so seriously.

Joke about sponsorships, it’ll be easy to digest.

Keep publishing and challenging your creativity.

2. Ferris Bueller - Ferris Bueller's Day Off

There’s a reason that you’re spoofed and referenced by 2 other movies on this list.

Even though this cult classic character is from 30 years ago, he encapsulates so much of how we understand online video today.

He finds adventure in the tiniest and most boring town.

He shows you how to do “How-to” videos

He does light-hearted pranks

Underneath the rebellious facade is a warm heart that looks out for the well being of his friends.

And if you’ve heard of this movie, you’ve probably heard of the amazing post-credit scene. That’s what you call connecting with your audience.

Lessons Learned:

Talk to your audience, and move around. Connect your shots to keep things interesting.

Take ideas on how you can turn a boring day into a fun one.

Insert random how-to videos.

You don’t have to vlog alone, find a friend!

1. Peter Parker - Spider-Man Homecoming

He’s got a photography background, so you’ll know his vlogs will be pretty.

He can probably get shots that drones can’t

Plus, his commitment to always looking for action, is sure to bring a lot of interesting episodes.

But the most exciting thing about his vlog is probably the message, a daily vlog about him trying to help and save people every day.

And he IS the only on this list that has actually done vlogging.

BUT he only did it as Peter Parker, so let’s hope he figures out what to do with his secret identity, cause he’s got a message every should hear.

Lessons Learned:

Have a positive message

Use your actions on daily basis to convey your message. (No one wants to hear “With great power comes great responsibility” repeatedly. Let your life speak for you)

Instead of walking around, jump around. 

Summary

So there you have it. I hope that you’re inspired with some ideas to try in your vlogs.

Is there any character that should’ve been on this list? Let me know below.