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tabloidtoc · 4 years ago

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Globe, April 12

You can buy a copy of this issue for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: Brad Pitt Blindsided by Abuse Bombshell

Page 2: Up Front & Personal -- former Vanderpump Rules hunk Jax Taylor hauling trash outside his L.A. home, tennis star Venus Williams had some courtside cuddles with her pet pup in Miami, sitcom star turned pot peddler Jim Belushi during a spin around Santa Monica

Page 3: Chrissy Metz runs errands in L.A., David Hasselhoff with his wife Hayley Roberts in Calabasas, Lena Headey buzzed around in L.A. on an electric bike

Page 4: Toxic TV talker Ellen DeGeneres is trapped in a tragic tailspin, belting back booze while struggling to get a grip on her fading career and rocky marriage -- after losing 1 million viewers this year alone, Ellen's once high-flying show is on thin ice and she's fighting with wife Portia de Rossi amid talks of a $300 million divorce -- her ratings are tanking, and her marriage is coming apart at the seams and she's knocking back the red wine to drown her sorrows -- her strategy is to let the storm about her talk show die down and then pull in some huge guest stars to win back her audience and reestablish herself as top dog on the talk show circuit -- at the same time, her 12-year marriage to Portia has been hanging by a thread and the two had been at loggerheads after serial house-flipper Ellen put the estate she bought from Maroon 5's Adam Levine on the market for $53.5 million and Portia thought it was finally going to be their forever home and it was like pulling the rug out from under her -- then another crisis struck home as Ellen rushed Portia to the hospital after she collapsed and Portia underwent an emergency appendectomy and is now recuperating but her spouse is a mess over Portia's health crisis and she's been drowning her sorrows in booze -- Ellen realizes much more than ever how much she desperately loves Portia and what she's got to lose if they split but she also knows it's be a lot of work to get the relationship back on track once Portia recovers

Page 5: Chevy Chase secretly cheated death after a secret heart condition landed him in the hospital for five long weeks and now he may never be out of the woods -- the 77-year-old, who is now recovering at his Westchester, N.Y. home, recently revealed the heart issue snuck up on him -- Chevy needed valve replacement surgery, and recovering boozer Chevy's long history of swilling alcohol had left him with an enlarged heart and acute cardiomyopathy, a disease that makes it harder for the organ to pump blood to the rest of his body and his heart problems stems from his years of drinking plain and simple and it's affected his heart, weakened it over the years -- however, before risky surgery could be performed, docs needed to make sure the comedian was stable enough for the procedure -- in 2017, Chevy claimed he'd finally gotten sober after one of his daughters said she gave up on him and his wife Jayni threatened to leave him if he didn't clean up his act but it may be too little too late for the comedy legend because valve replacement surgery could affect his activities for the rest of his life and it means his heart was pumping through an ineffective valve, and this damages heart muscles, which never grow back and he could have ongoing chest pains or dangerous heart rhythm disturbances, which could lead to heart attack or death

Page 6: Dr. Dre's estranged wife, Nicole Young, claims the rap mogul knocked her out cold in a drunken rage -- it's the latest bombshell in the couple's brutal divorce war, with Nicole making the explosive charge in an application for a restraining order that was denied by a judge and she also alleges Dre punched her squarely in the face after he felt she disrespected him at a party in 1999 and Nicole claims she woke up in their car with Andre speeding at over 100 miles per hour, drunk and out of control and he was swerving and weaving and she thought she was going to die and she also claims a drunk and angry Dre held a gun to her head during a 2012 dispute, saying she was terrified he was going to kill her -- Dre has denied all of Nicole's abuse claims

* In a desperate bid to save their crumbling romance, Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez are seeing a sex therapist to spice up their fizzling bedroom romps -- the duo called off their wedding plans after a stormy four-year affair and are on the brink of the end -- A-Rod staved off a break at the last minute by dashing down to the Dominican Republic, where J.Lo's filming her new flick and patching things up for the moment -- the biggest issue has been Alex's roving eye plus sexting various women on the side, and Jennifer wants to get to the bottom of why she's not enough for him

Page 7: Jeopardy! contestants want celeb medic Dr. Mehmet Oz axed as guest host -- casting the dubious doc celebrates the elevation of talking heads at the expense of academic rigor and consensus, according to a group of the game show's former winners and contestants in a letter -- the letter cites instances in which Dr. Oz used his authority as a doctor to push harmful ideas, and referred to a 2014 letter penned by faculty at Columbia Medical School, where Oz also teaches, calling for his removal from the program and the letter concludes inviting Oz to guest host is a slap in the face to all involved

Page 8: Jeffrey Epstein's accused madam Ghislaine Maxwell's third desperate bid to get out of jail on bail has been nixed by a federal judge -- the 59-year-old British socialite it rotting in a Brooklyn, N.Y. federal slammer denying charges she recruited underage girls to be sex slaves for her late lover Epstein, whose 2019 death in his jail cell is suspected on being a staged murder, despite an official ruling of suicide -- Maxwell's offer to plunk down $22.5 million and give up her citizenships in England and France was nixed by Judge Alison Nathan, who agreed with prosecutors the suspected Israeli intelligence asset was still a flight risk -- meanwhile, Ghislaine's lawyers claim she was abused by a guard and is losing hair and weight due to poor treatment in the slammer, where she's awaiting a July trail date

Page 9: Billionaire Queen Elizabeth is bracing for a big pay cut -- due to the financial crash triggered by the COVID pandemic, the Sovereign Grant, the tax money allowance the royals get, is expected to be slashed by more than 25 percent when it comes up for its five-year renewal in 2022 -- last year, Her Highness raked in $114.2 million from taxpayers, but that bundle was exceptional and cannot expect that to be repeated -- a major cost, besides allowances for the royal family, is a renovation of Buckingham Palace, which prices out at $500 million over 10 years -- one saving is Prince Harry and wife Meghan Markle have been stripped of their titles and public paychecks -- Her Majesty is aware of the current financial situation and is happy to play her part in cutting costs

* Prince Harry has landed a job as a hot-shot exec of a firm providing mental health and life counseling but it sounds like the tech start-up company is really using him as a celebrity showhorse -- Harry, who studied art and geography in college, will be Chief Impact Officer for BetterUp Inc, saying he intends to help create impact in people's lives -- BetterUp CEO Alexi Robichaux refused to say how much he's paying the prince, but noted Harry will have a meaningful and meaty role and will attend all employee meetings at the San Francisco headquarters and Robichaux also hinted at Harry's true value, saying he'll be a special guest at company events; in other words, the company will use him as a celebrity draw and they'll lure potential clients and investors to events by saying they can run shoulders with the prince and Harry has no psychology training; he will be a showpiece -- Harry first hooked up with BetterUp by using its app that gives proactive coaching and provides endless possibilities for personal development, increased awareness and an all-around better life and Harry says he was matched with his coach who is truly awesome and has always given him sound advice and a fresh perspective, which is so valuable

Page 10: Lisa Marie Presley is getting back on track after her son Benjamin Keough's tragic suicide and bitter divorce from Michael Lockwood, but she's still a hopeless addict -- Elvis Presley's 53-year-old daughter smokes like a chimney from morning until night and is struggling for every breath and she goes through a pack or two a day minimum and she simply can't quit and she has cut out triggers like booze and coffee, but she still needs her cigarette fix from the moment she wakes up until she puts her head down at night -- she was snapped having a smoke outside a COVID-19 testing center in L.A.'s San Fernando Valley and it was the only time she was spotted in public since her son died in July -- she started smoking at age 15 and has admitted this is the one thing that got her and bit her in the ass that she can't shake even those she's kicked pain pills, cocaine, booze and opioids and she's tried everything she can think of to quit: patches, nicotine gum, going cold turkey, but nothing works and she did stop for a spell after being hypnotized but a day or two later she was lighting up again -- she's losing weight, exercising more and eating healthier, but her smoking habit is the elephant in the room

Page 11: Following the heart-crushing suicide of her brother, Elvis Presley's granddaughter Riley Keough has become a death doula, a counselor who helps terminal patients and their cope with the devastating trauma -- Riley announced she'd completed her training on social media -- the daughter of Lisa Marie Presley and her first husband Danny Keough, Riley was devastated when her brother Benjamin Keough committed suicide with a shotgun last July -- spurred by the tragedy to become a death doula, Riley says she thinks it's so important to be educated on conscious dying and death the way we educate ourselves on birth and conscious birthing

* Reality TV train wreck Mama June Shannon claims she and her boyfriend Geno Doak spent $900,000 in a year to feed their drug addiction and the couple were spending $2500 a day, if not more, on methamphetamine -- June entered rehab with $1.75 in her pocket and they've been clean 14 months

Page 12: Celebrity Buzz -- reformed boozer Luann de Lesseps sips a soft drink in Mexico (picture), Real World star Rebecca Blasband believes she had an otherwordly 15-year beyond-the-grave relationship with Beatles legend John Lennon's ghost, in Australia a not so itsy bitsy spider bite turned into a giant wallop of a headache for Melissa McCarthy, Ilana Glazer and husband David Rooklin are happily expecting their first baby ironically right before of her horror movie False Positive, Sarah Silverman says no one ever told her not to use tongue in screen kisses and it got her fired from a show called Pride & Joy

Page 13: Al Pacino gets all gussied up in Italy to play fashion godfather Aldo in the biopic House of Gucci (picture), Justine Bateman (picture), Tom Selleck covers up his signature 'stache with a mask in L.A. (picture), first-time mama Katharine McPhee hit a sour note with composer husband David Foster for blabbing their newborn son's name Rennie David Foster on Today

Page 14: Rihanna plunked down $13.8 million for a new Beverly Hills mountaintop mansion that's literally surrounded by noteworthy neighbors like Paul McCartney and Mariah Carey and Madonna who live in the same exclusive star-studded cul-de-sac, Tom Cruise is on a mission to unload his Rocky Mountain getaway for $39.5 million, Goldie Hawn gushes her life partner Kurt Russell is still hot as heck after turning 70

* Fashion Verdict -- Miranda Lambert 4/10, Taylor Swift 5/10, Phoebe Bridgers 1/10, Giuliana Rancic 7/10, Brandi Carlile 6/10

Page 16: Cover Story -- Angelina Jolie is determined to paint her ex Brad Pitt as an abusive, drunken monster, and now she's got their kids backing her claim that he's the dad from hell -- the mom of six, who's been battling Brad in court over custody and money for five years, filed new bombshell papers saying she and her children want to testify their life was the pits -- while the documents are sealed, Angelina is making sure their kids paint Brad as violent and aggressive and her shocking charges continue earlier accusations by oldest child Maddox, now 19 and in college, who accused a booze-fueled Brad of abusing him on a private flight five years ago and Maddox essentially painted his dad as a demented monster and he went into detail about Brad's terrible temper, the abuse he inflicted on the whole household with his binge drinking and the scars that exist to this day because of the appalling way he alleges Brad treated his mom during the marriage -- Brad has reportedly been sober for years and Angelina's new claims of domestic abuse are basically a rehash of the old accusations -- legal experts also maintain the minor kids can only testify if Brad agrees to it, which is doubtful -- the superstars have spent a combined $10 million in legal fees and are currently battling over visitation rights for their brood and Angelina has refused to compromise, wants full custody and calls it a fight to the death and she doesn't care about Brad or how anybody sees their fight, she just wants what she feels she is entitled to as a mother and will fight with every inch of her body and soul to get it

Page 19: 10 Things You Don't Know About Topher Grace

* Katherine Heigl boasts she's bionic after having two titanium disks inserted into her neck and the actress says the surgery has freed her from the most excruciating pain

* Wendy Williams broke wind in a stunning fart-burp combo while she was live on camera, right in the middle to discussing Kim Kardashian's divorce from Kanye West -- the gassy lassie seemed surprised at her own outburst and apologized to the audience

Page 20: True Crime

Page 23: William Shatner is creating an artificial intelligence-powered version of himself -- in true sci-fi fashion, people in the future will be able to ask him questions about his life and times -- the 90-year-old icon is the first person to be captured by an advanced video and sound system developed by the L.A.-based company StoryFile -- Shatner says with StoryFile, we can now be present for the future; your authentic self, for all time

* Furious perfume mogul William Lauder is battling to kick his former mistress Taylor Stein and their 13-year-old love child out of her home and into the street, because their supposedly secret love affair was revealed -- the big stink exploded after the 60-year-old Estee Lauder heir learned his secret teen daughter wrote on social media that her parents were divorced but actually, Lauder never wed Taylor, but kept her like a queen in a $7 million, 6000-square-foot Bel Air mansion with a $1 million annual allowance for years and the only condition was that she keep their affair and the child under wraps, but the Park Avenue playboy claims she blasted their pact to smithereens when his illicit daughter blabbed about the relationship online -- Lauder hooked up with Taylor in Aspen in 2000 while still wed to wife Karen, mom of three of his daughters -- he knocked Taylor up in 2005, but told her to get an abortion because he was then in the midst of divorcing Karen but three years before the 2009 divorce, Taylor got pregnant again and gave birth to their girl and that's when the moneybags lover boy drew up the hush-hush deal

Page 24: COVID vaccines hidden dangers -- scientists warn shots don't work and have nightmare side effects

Page 27: Gal rock roadie Tana Douglas is snitching on music superstars including George Harrison and Iggy Pop, who she got close to during her wild years traveling with bands -- in her book called Loud, she recalls her job hauling equipment for bands nearly ended at age 21 when Beatle George Harrison was ready to propose, but she blew it; the two were getting close under a kitchen table after George fled his own birthday party, where he was embarrassed by his present: strippers and she ruined the mood by firing up a cigarette and George told her he would marry her tomorrow if she gave up smoking but the first female rock roadie couldn't kick butts -- she has crazy stories about saving AC/DC's frontman Bon Scott when he overdosed, Elton John who did drugs and threw tantrums, The Go-Gos, and doing a line of coke with Iggy Pop intended for David Bowie

Page 28: Health Report

Page 30: Julianne Hough has plumped up her kisser, and her new look falls flat -- the newly single star may have gone overboard with lip fillers to the point where she's almost unrecognizable -- Julianne's had some surgical and nonsurgical things done, but her lips just look wonky and no one can understand why she'd do it because her lips looked fine to her friends and family, but Julianne obviously thought they needed more volume and clearly got carried away -- she's also totally gone overboard with the spray tanning and hair extensions and she ditched the short blond bob that suited her so well and now she's looking like a Kardashian -- her lips look a bit swollen, so it's possible they will settle down and her natural lip proportions appear to have changed, with her upper lip the same size as her lower lip

Page 32: Tori Spelling has got the marriage blues and she's been out and about without her wedding ring -- the 47-year-old mom of five was spotted buying veggies at Underwood Family Farms in California's Moorpark with her kids but minus husband Dean McDermott and her wedding ring -- Tori's fed up with her mate, whining he's not doing his share around the house or paying her enough attention and they've found themselves in a real rut where they spend less and less time together and barely mention one another on social media and they haven't had a date night since goodness knows and Dean is never in the romantic mood and lately, they're more like brother and sister than husband and wife -- Tori wants Dean to step it up and start acting like a hubby instead of a leach and Tori's exhausting herself by taking care of the domestic chores single-handedly at times while Dean has other things on his mind and he hasn't picked up a vacuum or washed the dishes in weeks and sometimes he doesn't seem to be aware she's in the room and it's frustrating her to no end -- ditching her ring is sending Dean a very clear message that he needs to stop taking her for granted and work on the marriage

* Paul McCartney dove deep into his Beatles past and emerged with a children's book inspired by the group's 1966 hit Yellow Submarine -- Grandude's Green Submarine, a sequel to Paul's picture book Hey Grandude, will be released in September and changes the color of the submerged vessel

Page 36: Reality TV momager Kris Jenner is worth an estimated $190 million and masterminded the megabucks careers of her reality star daughters, but she confesses she was clueless about dough when she became divorced -- Kris confesses first husband Robert Kardashian handled everything and she never paid a bill during their 13-year marriage that ended in 1991 -- she said she woke up to responsibilities that she didn't have the day before but she says she's a quick study and she knew she had to get it together and she felt such an enormous sense of accomplishment to be able to figure it all out and pay her own bills and make her own money and do her own taxes and there were times when she didn't have a lot of money, but she was very organized -- now she studies business for new opportunities and she's interested in different businesses and how they evolve and how they become successful and she just enjoys the business world

* Bobby Brown's son Bobby Jr. died after accidentally overdosing on a killer cocktail of alcohol, cocaine and fentanyl, his autopsy reveals, but lawmen say they are now opening a criminal investigation into the 27-year-old's death at his father's home in suburban L.A. -- the autopsy report showed in his final hours Bobby Jr. consumed a deadly mix of tequila, cocaine and the prescription medication Percocet -- he was Brown's second child with former galpal Kim Ward

Page 38: Long-lost letters written by Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler's father, Alois, reveal the freaky Fuhrer grew up to be a cruel, tyrannical, arrogant lout, just like his old man -- the 31 letters were discovered by retiree Anneliese Smigielski in the attic of her house in the Austrian town of Wallern and are the basis of a new book by historian Roman Sandgruber -- penned to Anneliese's great-great-great-grandfather Joseph Radlegger, who sold retired customs official Alois a farm when future Nazi monster Adolf was six in 1895, the letters reveal Hitler's dad was a brutal boozer and boss of the house, but depended on the skills and money of his third wife, Klara, a former servant girl the cheating creep had seduced and wine-guzzling Alois was awfully rough with her and beat little Adolf and the other eight kids -- like his father, Adolf felt superior through the knowledge he had acquired in self-study and he saw himself as a military, technical and artistic genius, not only as a painter, but also as an architect, writer, composer and actor

Page 40: Bethenny Frankel is sporting an engagement ring from fiance Paul Bernon -- the three-stone ring features a huge eight- to ten-carat emerald-shaped center stone and if it's a real, natural diamond, its estimated value is up to $1 million

* Gwyneth Paltrow just babbled something her second husband, Brad Falchuk, probably doesn't want to hear: she never wanted to get divorced from Chris Martin but she wed Brad in 2018 and Gwyneth calls him the most amazing man adding they've built something that she's never had before

* Suzanne Somers brags she and husband Alan Hamel are having sizzling sex three times a day before noon -- she blames doses of hormones for their frisky urges in their golden years

* Klutzy comic Chelsea Handler jokes about her subpar skiing skills online, but later revealed she wrecked her knee and broke two toes after she flew into the trees on a snowy slope in Canada -- Chelsea confesses she took the terrible tumble in British Columbia, where she was training with a personal instructor

Page 41: Vin Diesel's son Vincent is learning it's a good career move to have a movie star dad -- the 10-year-old has landed a $1000-a-day role in his father's new Fast and Furious flick -- the kid plays the younger version of Vin's character Dominic Toretto in the already completed, ninth F&F film -- Vincent's mom is Vin's longtime galpal, Mexican model Paloma Jimenez, who also has two daughters with Vin -- unlike his dad's megabucks salary, Vincent got the basic $1005 daily rate

* The faith-based Duggar family of 19 Kids and Counting fame is still feuding after a sleazy sex scandal ripped them apart -- Jill Duggar Dillard, who's outed herself as one of four sisters molested by big brother Josh Duggar, reveals she hasn't visited her parents' home in years -- Jill and husband Derick Dillard, say they aren't allowed at Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar's Big House without her father's permission and Jill reveals there's some restrictions but also they just feel like they have to prioritize their mental and emotional health -- TLC axed the family's show after Josh was exposed as a child molester and in the past, Jill's admitted she's not on the best terms with some of her family

Page 42: Kim Kardashian has been getting back in touch with her body big-time now that she has booted Kanye West from her bedroom and her life and she's been strolling around totally nude -- with the pair's six-year marriage officially kaput, Kim is gleefully letting it all hang out, while indulging in once-forbidden McDonald's french fries -- Kanye made a habit of telling Kim to cover up and picked her to pieces for wearing sexy outfits and he said she needed to class up her act and grow old gracefully but now she's free to express herself and a lot of the time, especially when Kanye's looking after the kids, she's walking around totally in the nude and it's liberating for her to be at one with her body and she's made no secret of her desire to pursue a racy image and right now Kim's priority is to get her mojo back and learn to love herself again physically

* Britney Spears confesses she's been so wrapped up in battling the conservatorship over her estate, she forgot about singing until her mom reminded her -- the singer hasn't cut an album for five years as she's battled dad Jamie Spears for control of her $60 million fortune after a court gave him control when she went bonkers in 2008 -- she now realizes she's neglected her career after mom Lynne Spears sent her a video of her signing You Got It All at a '90s concert in Singapore and Britney tweeted that her mom reminded her that she can sing and she never sings anymore

Page 44: Straight Talk -- Cradle-robbing Scott Disick has struck again, scooping up a new galpal half of his 37 years, who is barely out of high school -- the latest victim is Amelia Hamlin, 19 years old and daughter of Lisa Rinna and Harry Hamlin

Page 45: Sharon Osbourne is demanding at least $10 million to walk away from The Talk after being accused of racist and sexist attacks on co-hosts -- Sharon is playing hardball, saying she was wrongly vilified for branding lesbian co-star Sara Gilbert a fish eater and calling Chinese-American Julie Chen slanty eyes -- it's going to become a battle royale and Sharon's made her demands clear and will fight tooth and nail and she's a street fighter and is used to playing down and dirty, owing to her years as a hard-nosed rock manager for husband Ozzy Osbourne

10 notes · View notes

sebastianshaw · 4 years ago

Conversation

RP Meme from The Lost Boys

I told you to stay off the boardwalk.

Hey, I liked that song.

I don't see any boogeymen or nasty guys.

Wait. That's from my era!

That's the ocean air.

Smells like someone died.

Looks like he's dead. No, he's just a deep sleeper.

If he's dead, can we go back to [PLACE]?

What's wrong with this picture? There's no TV. Have you seen a TV? I haven't seen a TV.

You're the only woman I ever knew who didn't improve her situation by getting divorced.

A big legal war wasn't going to improve anybody's situation.

Ouch. My hair.

Talk about the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

We've got some rules around here. Second shelf is

mine. That's where I keep my root beers and my double-thick Oreo cookies. Nobody touches the second shelf but me.

There's another rule around here, and I want you to pay

close attention. Don't touch anything. Everything is exactly where I want it.

There are some bad elements around here.

You're telling me we've moved to the murder capital of the world?

If all the corpses buried around here were to stand up all at once we'd have one hell of a population problem.

I just like to read the TV Guide. Read the TV Guide, you don't need a TV.

I was so worried. Don't run off like that.

We were that age, too, once. Only they dress better.

You have a generous nature. I like that in a person.

So how may I help you this evening? We have it all.

I look that needy, huh?

You're chasing that girl, aren't you?

I'm at the mercy of your sex glands.

Don't you have something better to do than follow me around all night?

Just scoping your civilian wardrobe.

Listen buddy, if you're looking for the diet frozen-yogurt bar, it went out of business last summer.

That's a very serious book, man.

Only five in existence.

Where the hell are you from? Krypton?

Nobody drives this baby but me.

We have to let it warm up a little. Hear that sound? Just like a baby pussycat.

That's as close to town as I like to get.

It's a pretty cool place. If you're a Martian. Or a vampire.

Are you guys sniffing old newsprint or something?

You think you really know what's happening here, don't you? Well, I'll tell you something. You don't know shit buddy.

This is just our cover. We are dedicated to a higher

purpose. We're fighters for Truth Justice, and the American

way.

Think of it more as a survival manual.

There's our number on the back and pray you never need to call us.

I'll pray I never need to call you.

If you want your ear pierced, I'll do it.

I came this close to being called Moon Beam or Moon Child Or something like that.

I can't beat your bike.

You don't have to beat me, [NAME]. You just have to try

and keep up.

Just you! Come on! Just you!

That's what I love about this place. You ask, and then you get.

I can never sleep with the closet door open, either. Not even a crack.

Don't sneak up on people like that!

What, you don't like rice? Tell me [NAME], how could a

billion Chinese people be wrong? Come on!

You're eating maggots. How do they taste?

Sorry about that. No hard feelings, huh?

Drink some of this, [NAME]. Be one of us.

Give me those sunglasses.

You need sunglasses to talk on the phone?

Are you freebasing? Inquiring minds want to know.

Anything in here that might pass for after-shave?

Have a big date tonight, [NAME]?

Lose the earring, [NAME]. It's not you. It's definitely

not you.

All you do is give attitude lately.

Go take your bath.

What did you do to my dog, asshole?

I didn't hurt him. He bit me. This is my blood.

Why did he bite you, huh? What did you do to him?

He was protecting you.

Look at your reflection in the mirror. You're a creature of

the night, [NAME]. Just like out of a comic book.

My own brother/sister/friend/etc, a goddam shit-sucking vampire.

You wait 'til[NAME] finds out!

Just let me talk. Wait a minute! [NAME]!

You did the right thing by calling us.

Does the sunlight freak him out?

He wears sunglasses in the house.

He always had bad breath, though.

He's a vampire all right. Here's what you do.

I can't do that! He's my brother/sister/mother/friend/etc!

You better get yourself a garlic T-shirt, buddy. Or it's

your funeral.

I think we have to have a real long talk about something.

[NAME] help! He's coming to get me!

[NAME], help me! Open up! Help me! [NAME], open the window!

So what are you, the flying nun?

We're gonna work this out. We*re gonna work this out. Trust

me, okay?

I thought I saw something on my window, but I guess I got carried away.

I would like to have a personal life too.

Can I sleep in here with you tonight?

You smell like garlic.

What's happening to me, [NAME]?

I don't know how to help you.

Aren't we friends anymore?

Then let's act like friends. Let's talk.

We could talk about anything you want to talk about.

I have more serious things on my mind than girls and school. Things I'm dealing with.

Looks like I wasn't the only one who got lucky last night.

The dog chased my mom like the Hounds of Hell from Vampires

Everywhere.

We've been aware of some very serious vampire activity in

town for a long time.

[PLACE] has become a haven for the undead.

As a matter of fact, we're almost certain that ghouls and

werewolves occupy high position at City Hall.

Kill your brother/sister/boyfriend/aunt/best friend/etc, you'll feel better!

Look, it says here that if you kill the head vampire all half-vampires will return to normal.

Does he know who the head vampire is?

You'll have to kill him. And if you don't, we will.

Vampire require a daytime protector, a guardian to watch

over them as they sleep. Fierce dogs, the Hounds of Hell,

are often employed for this purpose.

Truth, Justice, The American way triumphs.

Smells good. When do we eat?

Are we gonna have company again?

Well, you are the man of the house and I'm not coming in until you invite me.

He promises to behave if you come back.

I didn't know you were having guests.

Our batting average isn't terrific, is it? Zero for two.

You're so sweet to him.

I don't know what got in to him. He's not like that.

If you ever want to see [NAME] again, you better come with

us now.

Initiation's over, [NAME]. Time to join the club.

Don't kill me, [NAME]. I'm basically a good kid, so just

don't kill me.

Just work with me and I can help you. You'll be okay.

Is she one of them?

You shut the window and lock your door.

She's one of them! And don't tell me it doesn't make her a

bad person, [NAME]!

Yes, and it's my fault. You would've not met me, if I

hadn't liked you. I tried to warn you.

You drank someone's blood? Are you crazy?

We're not them.

Why didn't you kill me last night?

You're supposed to be my first.

What are you doing here? What do you want from me?

Don't kill anybody until we get back to you!

I got connections.

The night crawler. The bloodsucker. El Vampiro.

I don't want you going down there.

Look, this isn't a comic book, [NAME]. These guys are

brutal killers.

Who'd you rather go down in with you? Them or me?

If something happens down there, I won't have the strength

to protect you.

This time I'll protect you.

Even though you're a vampire, you're still my brother/sister/friend/etc

If you try to stop us, or vamp out in any way, I'll stake

you without even thinking twice about it!

Where did you say you met these guys?

Don't you touch her. Stay away from her.

Flies and the undead go together like bullets and guns.

There must be coffins here someplace.

I thought they'd be in coffins.

That's what this cave is. It's one giant coffin.

Right now they're at their most vulnerable. Easy pickings.

Remember. You just have to kill the leader.

We don't know which one he is.

I guess we'll just have to kill them all.

What's that, a little vampire humor? It wasn't funny.

Good night, bloodsucker.

We blew it, man! We lost it!

We unraveled in the face of the enemy!

They pulled a mind-scramble on us!

We don't ride with vampires.

"Burn rubber" does not mean warp speed!

Your dog knows a flesh-eater when he smells one.

The sun goes down. They'll be looking for us.

[PLACE] is crawling with vampires

They're coming to the house as soon as it gets dark!

I'm gonna see [NAME] tonight, and you're trying to ruin it for me.

I don't know what you don't want me to see.

I'm not talking about [NAME]! To hell with [NAME]!

Good. That's just the way we like it.

We've got a date tonight?

They'll be coming for all of us.

It's just old memories coming back.

Why are you so jumpy tonight?

He seemed so sincere, but it's insane.

Tell me. I promise not to laugh. Honest.

I think I should warn you all when a vampire dies, it's never a pretty sight.

Some yell and scream. Some go quietly. Some explode. Some implode. But all will try to take you with them.

Don't go out there! Stop him!

I say we terminate them right now.

You're mine. You killed [NAME]

Try the holy water, dead breath!

I nailed one of them downstairs with a bow and arrow.

We trashed the one that looked like Twisted Sister.

We totally annihilated his night stalkin' ass!

Death to all vampires!

We are awesome monster bashers!

Holy shit! The attack of Eddie Monster!

Stop! Get away from him! Just stay away from him! He's just

a little boy.

You're afraid to face me, [NAME]?

I tried to make you immortal.

You tried to make me a killer!

Stop fighting me, [NAME]. I don't want to kill you. Join us.

It is too late, my blood is in your veins.

Don't let them see me like this.

What happened to your face?

I knew it. You are the head vampire.

You're the secret [NAME] was protecting.

Don't ever invite a vampire into your house, you silly boy/girl/etc.

It renders you powerless.

Has everyone gone crazy? What's the matter with all of you?

It was you I was after, all along, [NAME]

It was all going to be so perfect, [NAME]

Just like one big happy family.

Great. The bloodsucking Brady Bunch.

I still want you, [NAME]. I haven't changed my mind about that.

I didn't invite you this time, [NAME]

Don't you touch my mother/father/son/dog/etc

Don't fight, [NAME]. It's so much better if you don't fight.

How much do you think we should charge them for this?

One thing about living in [PLACE] I never could

stomach--all the damn vampires.

#rp meme #rp memes #rp starters #roleplay meme #roleplay starters #roleplay memes #the lost boys #lost boys #my meme #my memes #my starters #out of shirt #okay to reblog

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lemonadebloodsworld · 4 years ago

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Tw: ED (??), sh, depression, suicidal thoughts, abuse (??)

So yeah,

It feels weird to come back here even if it's a more recent account. The first time I made a tumblr account was when I was 13 and back then I was already really depressed because of trauma, my relationship with my parents and the fact that they were always saying that I faked being depressed and was just being dramatic and other shitty stuff.

Back then they thought I was a gay girl too but yeah I'm a bi trans boy and it makes everything so damn harder because everytime I try to talk about my mental health my mom just says that it's JUST because I'm trans and I should just be patient and wait to be 18 to start a transition while yes, dysphoria and the fact that my family isn't really supportive make me sad but my mental health has been getting so damn bad.

I've never really been a happy child, my parents divorced when I was 3-4, my mom found my stepdad who has always been an asshole to me and my little brother because we are not his "real" kids and would always yell at us and hit my brother and my mom has always been depressive and mentally ill (Ed, depression and trauma) so she is scared of him ig, anyways, she just never said anything about it, even when she noticed that we were really scared of him.

My bio father was supposed to take us at his place every weekend but after a year he stopped coming and dissappeared for 9 years. At the same time I started to get bullied at school by older kids and some kids in my class and I didn't have any friends because it was a shame for them to be friend with me.

At 11, I have been sexually assaulted by an older kid (he was 15 or something) leaving me with trauma.

At 12 I changed school and found friends, I was so unused to it and ashamed of my past that I spent my time lying to them so they'll like me and think I'm cool, I also started to smoke and drink in secret because I felt so much pain and the intrusive thoughts started to get loud.

At 13 my bio dad came back in my life because he owed a lot of money to my mom and wanted to use us to make my mom feel bad about it. I started self-harming lightly and depression started to settle in but I wasn't really understanding what was going on because the "hypomanic" phases and intrusive thoughts were getting more present causing me to lose the only friends I had and yeah I just didn't understand what the hell was going on. I tried to talk about my mental health to my parents but they told me that I was being dramatic and it's a normal thing to feel bad because I was an adolescent and questioning my identity (I came out as a lesbian back at this time) and decided to just punish me and take my phone away because I was spending too much time alone in my room and didn't do the chores.

At 14 I started to have a lot of anxiety and panic attacks while being in depressive episodes, I started an ed (feeling shameful for eating even a little amount of anything and purging, I don't want to give it any name because I have been diagnosed and yeah), I also began to self-harm more and deeper (still not bad, I don't want to lie for that type of stuff xd), I broke down one day and told everything to my parents (sh, depressive tendencies, smoke, suicidal thoughts etc) and once again they were like "yeah nah it can't be that bad, you just lie to have attention and have an excuse to stay in your room and just being stupid" but my mom saw my arms and thights and then was okay for me to go see a psychologist. So for a year I had the opportunity to talk with a professional who was really amazing, she prescribed me light sleep pills because of my insomnia while in depressive episodes and "hypomanic" (don't have a diagnosis but I have all the symptoms but then again I don't want to self diagnose because it could be wrong and be something else) ones but my mom always refused to give them to me. At the end of the year she wanted an appointment with my mom to talk about my mental health and the importance for me to go see a therapist to be diagnosed (bipolar disorder 2 (she was still questioning it) , anxiety disorder and depression or whatever, she just wanted me to have the help I needed) but then again my mom said no because I was surely just faking it all and I just had to make efforts to be happy. I was so tired of everything and just wanted to feel better so I started to steal my mom depression medication (mostly Xanax and calming pills).

At 15 I met my first serious girlfriend, I fell in love so hard with her and for the first month she really helped me to stop sh, pills, drinking and everything was great until she started to verbally abuse me using my dysphoria and fragile subjects I told her about (she would say that I'm annoying and selfish for always feeling bad and that u was too sensitive and not a real boy if I cried) once I wasn't agreeing with her, slap and hit me if I said something she wasn't okay with or when I would have anxiety attacks or talk to her about my suicidal thoughts while in depressive episodes and yeah she used me like if I was a dog, if she wanted something or think in some way I would have to give her or do whatever she wanted or I would get threatened, insulted or ignored for a long time or other icky stuff. After 6 months of making me feel guilty for not letting her touch me in a sexual way she one day decided to start taking advantage of me while I wasn't in the appropriate head space or without my consent and then making fun of my body and making comments about the way I look. She in fact, made me really anxious and feel bad and it made me start to binge eat, at the end of the year my weight was 78 kg, before our relationship I was 59 kg, people noticed it but just told me to stop eating and go on a diet.

At 17 (this year) I finally broke up even if she asked me to do it because she didn't want to be seen as the mean one for letting me while I was clearly depressed. It was hard but I could finally meet new people or get back with people she didn't wanted me to talk to (especially my amazing actual partner and my bestfriend) who helped me a lot realizing all the shit she did to me and they have been amazing at making me feel loved and cared for and to be honest I don't think I would be there if they weren't in my life right now.

Now my mental health is just fucked. Like I said when I broke up with my abusive ex I had gained almost 20 kg and it reminded me all the bully I've been through as a kid (they most of the time used the fact I was overweight to bully me) so I started to starve myself or purge if I felt like I ate too much (I started to count calories) I was at 78 kg at the start and in 2 weeks I was at 65kg, it was during quarantine so i didn't have any friend or people noticing what I was doing or see me fainting. I started to drink almost everyday and smoke a lot.

In June I got in a relationship with my actual partner and to be honest it's the only good point I can find this year. They (genderfluid) are an angel and I just don't know what I would do without them, they help me a lot even if they are struggling with mental illness themself and anyone has ever cared for me and made me feel so loved before. Today it's been 4 months officially and it makes me feel happy and I just want it to never stop. My mental health is at its worst, I've been having a lot of intrusive thoughts, i have a self destructive comportement, in September I started to sh again (a lot deeper) after 2 years clean, I often call them in the middle of the night (well in the middle of the day for them cause I'm in Belgium and they are in Texas) because of really bad dreams and suicidal thoughts, I am bullied and made fun of by the people in my class for being trans and having a different style (alt-grunge), I barely eat or purge if I try to have a meal, I have these "hypomanic" phases that make me getting really angry at nothing and do a lot of stupid shit because I feel invincible and better than anyone, almost godly and yet they never made me feel like I was a burden or like I should just stfu or like I was being dramatic and they are actually the first person believing me and not saying I fake everything.

I am struggling and it becomes so damn hard to live but I will do my best not to give up and just keep on fighting for them and maybe try to recover and seek for help when I turn 18. I already try to make little steps and stop self harming, drinking too much energy drink XDD so yeah let's just try and be positive I guess.

Sorry its actually so damn long hhh I don't even know if i will post It one day or keep it as a draft eheh I hate venting

#ed vent #vent text #tw depressing stuff #tw eating stuff #trauma #ventcore #traumacore #long ass rant #tw self destruction #self harrrm #tw self destructive behavior

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dukereviewsxtra · 4 years ago

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Duke Reviews Xtra: The 10th Kingdom Part 2

Part 2 Starts With The Evil Queen Digging Up All Her Mirrors..

As Virginia's Iron Shoes Are Ready For Her To Wear, However A Box That Smells Like Leather

Yeah, Trolls Have An Affinity Toward Leather, Go Figure...

Falls Right Through The Window, The 3 Trolls Fight Over It And Knock Themselves Out In The Process...

Flying In To Save Virginia, Virginia's Less Than Trusting Of Wolf As The Last Time She Saw Him He Tried To Eat Her Grandmother But Giving His Word That She's Safe With Him, He Goes To Find A Way Out Only To Notice The Troll King's Magic Shoes...

Telling Her To Leave Them As They'll Make Her Want To Wear Them All The Time She Seems To Do Just That As They Get Out Of That Castle...

Wanting To Go Back To The Snow White Memorial Prison To Rescue Tony, Wolf Is Resistant At First But Eventually Says Okay But They Have To Avoid The Roads And Instead Cut Through Beanstalk Forest...

Once There, They Find A Statue Of Jack From Jack And The Beanstalk, This Leads Wolf To Tell Virginia Why The Trolls Hate Wendell And That's Because Wendell Has A Fertile Kingdom And They Have A Polluted Disgusting Kingdom...

Oh No, Somebody Call Captain Planet!

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But Wolf's Words Fall On Deaf Ears As Virginia Is Gone Which Can Only Mean One Thing...

She Stole The Troll King's Magic Shoes!

But Despite That Wolf Eventually Finds Her As The Shoes Magic Doesn't Last Long. Taking The Shoes Away From Her After A Short Struggle, Virginia Tries Everything She Can To Try To Get Them Back Even To The Point Of Seduction...

But Despite Being Attracted To Her, Wolf Knows It's The Shoes Doing The Talking And Not Her...

But With The Troll King And His Kids Closing In, Virginia And Wolf Decide To Climb A Beanstalk Where They Get To Know Each Other A Little Better As They Spend The Night From Above...

The Next Day, Believing Security Around The Prison To Be A Joke, The Warden Decides To Have The Prisoners Clean Out The Cellar Where The Mirror Is So New Security Measures Can Be Put Into Place...

Realizing That's Where The Mirror Is, Wendell Puts Tony's Name On The Work Detail, However, When He Finds Mirror, The Warden Tells Him To Throw It In The Boat Or Else He'll Throw Him And Everyone Connected To The Chain He's On Into The Ocean...

So, Tony Throws It Into The Boat Where By Some Miracle It Doesn't Break...

Put Back In His Cell, Tony Discovers That Acorn And Clayface Have Created A Tunnel Out Of The Prison, Asking Him To Let Him Come With Them, They Say Yes...

However, Tony's Escape Might Be A Bit Premature As Virginia And Wolf Arrive To Get Tony Out Of Prison By Using The Troll King's Magic Shoes...

Once Inside, They Get Wendell From The Warden's Office Despite Wolf Knowing That With Him The Shoes Will Lose Their Magic Quicker And What Do You Know? He's Right As Once They Reach Tony's Cell The Shoes Lose Their Magic...

But As They Crawl Through The Tunnel, They're Blocked By Tony's Big Butt As He Got Stuck In The Tunnel When Attempting To Escape...

Maybe Tony Should Follow Winnie The Pooh's Example And Do Some Stoutness Exercises...

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(Start At 0:51, End At 2:07)

Eventually Getting Tony Out Of The Tunnel, Father And Daughter Are Reunited As Tony Tells Virginia About The Mirror Being Placed On A Barge, However When They Go To Get It They It, They Discover That Acorn Used The Barge To Escape, Taking Everything Including The Mirror With Him...

Getting On A Boat To Follow Acorn, They're Spotted By The Trolls Who Attempt To Virginia And The Others But They Manage To Get Away To The Troll King's Displeasure, But He Has Bigger Problems Right Now As He's Contacted By The Evil Queen...

Wondering If The Troll King's Children Have Caught Wendell, He Tells Her No, As She Orders Him To Send His Children After Them And To Return To His Palace Until Further Notice...

But Saying He Doesn't Take Orders From Her, He Swears That If She Contacts Him This Way Again, He'll Kill Her...

Reading One Of His Self Help Books, Wolf Takes The Opportunity To Get Rid Of The Troll King's Magic Shoes Which Pisses Virginia Off To No End At First But Guessing That She Was Going To Wear Them Tonight, He Tells Her That While Magic Is Nice It's Very Easy To Get Addicted...

This Leads Her To Ask Wolf Why She Wasn't Able To Resist The Shoes But He Was? To Which He Believes The Reason To Be That Virginia Has A Strong Desire To Be Invisible...

Tired Of Waiting For The Evil Queen To Take Over Wendell's Kingdom, The Troll King Declares War On The 4th Kingdom And Challenges Wendell To Face Him In 7 Days Or He'll Claim It As His Own...

The Next Day, Wolf Wakes Virginia And Tony Only For Tony To Discover A Golden Fish In A Glass Case. Named The Golden River Gold Fish, Wolf Tells Tony And Virginia That This Is The Famous Anything You Touch Will Turn To Gold Fish...

With Tony Seeing Untold Possibilities With The Fish, Wolf And Virginia Tell Him To Just Leave It Alone

Contacting The Troll King In The 4th Kingdom, The Evil Queen Is Rightfully Pissed At Him For Obeying Her Orders And That If He Stays There, The Coronation Will Be Cancelled And Her Plans Will Be Ruined...

But Having No Interest In Leaving The 4th Kingdom, She Hangs Up On Him So She Can Consult With Her Mirror, Who Tells Her That Wendell Is Travelling Down The River Toward Her Castle With 3 Others, 1 Who Can Talk With Him And 1 Who Can Hurt Her...

Asking To See These People, The Mirror Tells Her That He Can't Show Them To Her But Knowing That Wolf Is With Them, She Tells The Mirror To Focus On Him...

Oh, God The Bee Gees Running Gag Is Back...

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(Start At 0:46, End At 0:49)

Contacting Wolf As He's Shaving, He Just Tells The Queen To Go Away And Leave Him Alone Before Tony Enters And Hangs Up, Washing His Face Off As He Leaves...

However As Tony Looks For Food, He Decides To Go Back To Look At The Golden Fish Only To Break The Glass By Coughing (Of All The Luck) And Sticking His Pinky Inside The Fish Gaining The One Time Ability To Turn Something Into Gold...

All I Can Say To That Is Thank God He's Not Dr. Evil Or Else He'd Turn Himself Into Gold...

Meanwhile At The Queen's Castle, Dog Wendell Pees On A Post...

As The Evil Queen Tries To Convince Him That He's Not A Dog But Prince Wendell, Ruler Of The 4th Kingdom And That In Order To Be Crowned King He Must Show Bravery, Loyalty And Intelligence...

Why Can't They Do It The Wakandan Way And Challenge Someone To Single Combat?

Finding Acorn's Barge At A Town, Near The Queen's Castle, Wendell Goes Off On His Own To Investigate The Castle (As He Can Sense His Body There) While Tony And The Others Go To Get The Mirror From Acorn...

However, When They Arrive, They Find Acorn And Whatever Junk Was On-Board Gone, With The Person Who Now Owns The Barge Telling Them That He Traded It For The Guy's Horse And Carriage, Which He Took Through The Woods...

But Despite Virginia And Wolf Wanting To Leave For The Woods Immediately Tony Asks For 15 Minutes To Find Wendell...

And Speaking Of Wendell, The Queen Is Giving Dog Wendell An Eating Lesson As The Trolls Arrive To Give Her An Update On Their Search For Wendell Which Goes Nowhere...

Telling Them To Not Return Without Wendell Or She'll Make Them Eat Their Own Hearts, The Trolls Leave Believing That Meeting Didn't Go Well...

Finding Himself, Wendell Tries To Get Dog Wendell To Reach Him But Unfortunately They're Unable To Touch So Wendell Goes Off To Get Help, But As He Goes To Find Tony, Wendell Is Found By Tony, The Trolls Also Find Him...

This Leads Tony To Do Something We Don't See On Screen But We Know He Did Something...

Finding Virginia And Wolf, Tony Tells Them That He Defeated The Trolls However When He Shows Them How, We See That Tony Not Only Turned Them Into Gold But Wendell As Well...

Summoning Her Huntsman (Played By Rutger Hauer)...

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(Start At 0:13, Stop At 0:43)

The Evil Queen Tells Him That Neither Wolf Or The Trolls Have Captured Wendell And Whoever Is With Him Is About To Enter His Forest. Swearing To Find Them, He Leaves...

About To Enter The Forest, Virginia And The Others Run Into An Old Beggar Woman, Who's Hungry For Food, But Where Wolf And Tony Are Not So Charitable Virginia Gives Up One Of Their Bacon Sandwiches They Made Earlier...

As A Reward, The Woman Tells Them That Acorn Took The Main Road Through The Forest But She Warns Them To Get Off The Road At Once As Someone Is Following Them With The Intent To Kill Them...

This Gets Wolf Remembering That This Forest Is The Domain Of The Huntsman Who Serves The Queen, So Taking The Old Lady's Advice, They Stray From The Road And Go Through The Forest...

Coming Across A Gypsy Camp, They Try Going Around But They're Unfortunately Caught By Gypsies Who Seem Pretty Nice At First As They Invite Virginia And The Others To Join Them For Dinner...

Oh, And I See They're Having The Remains Of The First Trailer For Sonic The Hedgehog For Dinner...

Asking Tony To Sing In Return For Their Hospitality We Get The Most Groan Worthy Version Of Gypsies Tramps and Thieves Ever...

Cher Must Be Vomiting After Hearing That...

Finding A Bunch Of Talking Birds In Cages, Wolf Tells Virginia They're Magic Birds That The Gypsies Break Their Wings Off To Sell For Millions To Rich People To Absorb Their Magic...

Why? What Does The Magic From These Birds Do?

Coming Out Of A Carriage An Old Gypsy Tells The Gypsies To Set Up A Table For Fortune Telling...

But While Tony's Fortune Is Nothing To Tell About, Virginia's Sees The Gypsy Asking For A Lock Of Her Hair (Which Will Come Back To Bite Virginia In The Ass) As She Tells Virginia That She's Full Of Anger As She's Never Forgiven Her Mother For Leaving Years Ago...

Something Her Grandmother Mentioned In Part 1 That I Thought Wasn't Worth Mentioning Till Now...

She Also Tells Virginia That She Has A Great Destiny One That Stretches Way Back In Time...

With Virginia Leaving, It's Wolf's Turn To Have His Fortune Told, But It Doesn't Go The Way He Wants It As The Gypsy Tells Him That She Saw A Young Girl Dead And A Fire With Him To Burnt On It...

Remember This Fortune As It Will Be Further Developed In Part 3...

Knowing That Wolf Is A Wolf From The Fortune, This Leads Wolf To Reveal That The Gypsies Grandson Is Also A Wolf...

Allowing Virginia And The Others To Spend The Night, They Attempt To Sneak Out Early The Next Morning, But Virginia Just Can't Leave The Talking Birds To Die So She Frees Them All Only To Be Seen By The Head Gypsy Who Sends The Other Gypsies After Them...

But While They Manage To Get Away From The Gypsies, The Head Gypsy Uses The Hair She Cut From Virginia To Curse Her...

But Don't Worry About The Gypsies Becoming A New Threat As They're All Killed By The Huntsman...

Continuing On Their Journey, Wolf And Tony Start To Notice That Virginia's Hair Has Grown Slightly Since They Left The Gypsy Camp Which Leads Wolf To Theorize That The Gypsies Have Cursed Her..

Duh...

By Nightfall It Starts To Rain, As Virginia's Hair Has Grown To Length Of Rapunzel's. Luckily, They Come Across A Cottage That's Been Abandoned For Years, Going Upstairs They Find Seven Beds Which Leads Them To Realize That This Cottage Once Belonged To The Seven Dwarves...

Starting A Fire, Tony Asks The Question That We've Been Dying To Have Answered, What Happened To Snow White After She Married The Prince?..

This Leads Wolf To Tell Them That She Became A Great Queen And One Of The Five Women Who Changed History..

With The Women Being, (Aside From Snow White) Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Red Riding Hood?, Gretel From Hansel And Gretel? And Rapunzel...

Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella And Rapunzel, I Can Handle Being Queens But Having Red Riding Hood And Gretel Is Like Making Alice From Alice In Wonderland A Princess In Kingdom Hearts, It Doesn't Work...

The 5 Of Them Formed First 5 Kingdoms And Brought Peace To All The Lands. But Now They're All Mostly Dead, I Say Mostly As There's Rumors That Cinderella Is Still Alive But If She Was, She'd Be Over 200 Years Old...

(Acting Like Joey Lawrence) Whoa!

Virginia Spends The Night Talking With Wolf About Her Mother Which Just More Exposition At This Point...

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But Waking Up Virginia Finds That Her Hair Is All Over The House, And What's Worse It's Growing Up The Stairs...

They Try Using Cutting Tools To Cut Virginia's Hair But Nothing Can Cut Through It...

It's A Curse For A Reason, You Morons...

Worried About Dying With Long Hair, One Of The Birds Virginia Saved From The Gypsies Helps By Telling Them That A Woodsman With A Magic Axe That Can Cut Through Anything Lives In This Forest And With It They Can Break The Curse...

However, Wolf Smells The Huntsman And Decides To Bury Virginia, Tony And The Golden Wendell In Holes While He Leads The Huntsman In A Circle..

But It Sadly Doesn't Help As Virginia Sneezes Revealing Their Location To The Huntsman...

Forced To Run, Tony Gets Away To Tell Wolf What Happened While Virginia Gets Caught By The Huntsman And Is Taken To His Headquarters, Which Finally Ends Part 2...

To Be Continued...

#the 10th kingdom #Kimberly Wiilliams Paisley #john larroquette #dianne wiest #scott cohen #rutger hauer #ann margret #warwick davis #camryn manheim #wolf x virginia

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sirro85-blog · 6 years ago

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Humans are Space Orcs: Improvising

So as I have described humans are ingenious and curious and they have the ability to look at a piece of fruit that tingles while you eat it and see a weapon. It goes further than that though. Humans can even look at a mistake and see success in another guise.

Major Kovac looked at his fellow officers and gave a gesture I had never seen him make before he spread his hands slowly and then brought his shoulders up.

"I think, that when we sent the last order the message got scrambled," ventured Captain Gillespie.

"Well I fucking hope so because I don't see how a request for 'artillery ammunition, medical supplies, rifle munitions and fuel' became 'water bottles, uniforms, pens, pencils, notepads, paperweights!? 150 Nyrex, assorted foodstuffs; and fuel'..." Kovac trailed off, "add to that the only supplies we have to begin with are food and for some reason paint and plaster."

"Munitions supplies code: 83-C; recruits basics supplies: 8-DE...medical supplies code: 14-P office supplies: 40-B" Gillespie said in a monotone voice.

"Whoever was on the other end didn't think to question or ask for a repeat order, it's the new civillian company running logistics they don't speak phonetics so they relay it normally so our order "Eight-Three-Charlie" becomes "8DE" in a busy office and we end up with new water bottles, nyrex and uniforms." Captain Becca said, "the wonders of privatisation." she laughed.

"Alright Bex, no time for your socialist rants now, we're going to have to make do. Wolf, What do you think?" Kovac enquired

"Surrender," Wolf replied immediately, "No seriously sir, I say we surrender." He raised his voice as the other officers shouted him down, "these aren't a horde of barely trained fanatics we're facing down these are the cream of the crop, the zealots who have served these crackpots long enough to become battle hardened and true veterans." He gestured around himself a little wildly, "what do we have? a squad of combat engineers, one squadron of wet behind the ears infantry, Gilly's auxiliary troop, and the second half of our forces are fucking weekend warriors, the strategic planetary defence reserves, other than the 88th and Gilly we can't count on two thirds of our forces. The OC is so far past it even he has realised it and I don't trust Major Picklefarts as far as I can throw her."

Kovac clicked his fingers a few times and hummed the bars to "Catfish Blues" Captain Becca gave a soulful hum.

"Woke up this mornin'," growled Dorman in his best blues singer voice, "my dog was dead; no food in my fridge y'all; ate my dog instead."

"Got idiots above me; got morons below; if it gets much colder; it'll start to snow" finished Becca.

"Feel better?" Asked Kovac.

"How can it possibly snow here? It's 35°C in the shade! We're in a god damn furnace!" Wolf drew a calming breath.

"Now that we've made Wolf feel better let's clear up a few things," first...it's Major Portbury and I don't much like her either, second the other two squadrons will hold their line until they don't not much more we can ask of them. Third, Gilly hasn't just got a troop he's got Staff Sergeant Frank King and his units could bring Muddy Waters back from the dead to slap us all for ruining blues, and he's got Griffin Battery out there and we know what those boys can do with a connonade. So it's us, it's us the 88th, 3 Squadron Combat Engineers, Fighting Fit and Fucking Ugly, the real first in last out, the infantry may hold the front line but we fucking build it." Kovac pointed a finger at his map, "everything we know says the Xhost are going to try to capture the peninsula, they do that they gain the remote base within a week and they neuter the Fortress Moon, then they have a foothold in another system and who knows how long before the Galactic Council decide to take them seriously, they'll have another million "converts" by then. So we stop them here, we hold the Isthmus, we send them back to their ships or we send them to hell."

"With glass paperweights?" Wolf asked in a scathing tone, "Kovac I love you brother but without the supplies we're going to lose."

"Want me to show you what I can do with a paperweight?" Becca said with a growl.

"That gives me an idea," said Kovac, "Wolf, Becca, who's the nastiest soldier you've got?"

"Barbie," said Wolf.

"Knickers," said Becca.

"Dorman? What about you?"

"In a fist fight? Bickers is a nasty piece of work but for one of your ideas? Well Bickers again but you'll have to let him know just how nasty you want him to get."

"Alright have those three, Buckets, Footsteps and Corporal Chloe meet me in my office, Wolf you can join us too, just keep your eyes off the Panther's arse, Becca go see what you think of Portbury. Dorman go with Gilly and see what you would do to our defences if you had a wish list."

The meeting in the Major's office went on late into the night, unusually for human military Major Kovac was not just respected by his soldiers he was well liked. In the early hours of the morning as the soldiers left the office Kovac "high-fived" Knickers as the two achieved success in their experiments.

The following morning Kovac was found striding across the top of the fortifications gesticulating enthusiastically. "Here, and down there, it'll provide good cover for your men," he explained to the dazed looking infantry officer.

Around him infantry soldiers were carefully ripping paper from notepads and sliding them into each pocket in the nyrex they held.

"You see," Gillespie was explaining enthusiastically, "we use the left over plaster and water, and soak the new uniforms in them to create a sort of plaster cast...glacis, something to absorb damage and line the enemy up to expose them to your attacks, then we fortify it with these nyrex, filled with paper they have pretty impressive stopping power and the whole thing is made of leftovers and things wrongly delivered instead of medicine and other useful supplies. It's genius really." Major Portbury looked unimpressed but that didn't stop Gillespie, "Griffin Battery have taken the paint pots that was clever too, I think Footsteps deserves a raise Kovac ha ha, then Kovac has come up with some really nasty tricks with the water bottles and paperweights."

"Unfortunately we're out of fuel," cut in Kovac, so we'll be walking a lot," in his head he played back Becca's statement from earlier this morning, 'she resents being promoted to Major late and resents having to join a new regiment of raw recruits to do it, she resents the idea that she can't cut it and resents her men, also the girl can drink but... she may be a good officer one day, if she can ditch the chip on her shoulder.'

"Major I think it's probably best if you and your men hold the centre, we need infantry not engineers playing at infantry in our middle to steady our line, we'll put the SPDR on the far right flank where the attack should be weakest, my 88th will take the left flank, they'll hit that flank harder as they're coming from the South. Better us than the militia, sorry the SPDR, but with you a rock on one side and the water on the other we should be ok."

Portbury appeared to consider this and then nodded, without the Lietenant-Colonel there Kovac had seniority anyway.

"OK then, I'm going to send my engineers out to rig up some welcome wagons for the Xhost when they arrive" Kovac gave the Major a nod and walked away.

Kovac kept his men busy that day, he pushed them to work hard and they responded, the Major himself was tireless, he moved up and down the line talking with the men of the reserves on the right flank and then spending time with the infantrymen always talking positively about the situation, at midday he organised a competition, platoon against platoon and as the men ran up and down their line, stopping and firing at specific targets they realised how the improvised glacis exposed those before it to fire from a range of fields. Their confidence grew.

Late evening saw the first lines of Xhost troops pull into view, they had started to set up camp when Griffin Battery, buried further back behind enemy lines opened fire, explosions on their base caused chaos and when the dust had settled through omni-goggles Kovac could see the smoking ruins of three air support ships, the surprise of Griffin Battery had been lost but there was no air support for the Xhost tomorrow.

When the Xhost advanced in the pre-dawn gloom they did so in near silence, Griffin Battery stayed silent, they crept forward until the silent guns filled them with confidence and the advance sped up, they crept closer until in the middle of their lines explosions tore through the ranks.

Crouched and looking through the omni-goggles, Captain Becca called out ranges as more detonations shredded the advance. The Xhost fell back.

"Improvised nailbombs, water bottles with fuel and gunpowder salvaged from rifle rounds, strapped to two glass paperweights each." Kovac nodded to Becca, "That knickers is a nasty piece of work."

"They're advancing!" Yelled Becca from her vantage point, "two divisions on the left flank, one division in the centre, half a division moving to the right."

Again the Xhost advanced cautiously, and again the guns of Griffin Battery stayed silent, the few remaining paperweight bombs detonated but this time the Xhost were ready for them, and did not recoil in shock.

The advancing army looked vast in comparison to the thin like of troops dug in to oppose them, they drew nearer still nearly in rifle range when the guns of Griffin Battery sounded, amongst the shells shattering the Xhost lines were improvised shells which erupted on impact and appeared to contain liquid fire, Lance Corporal Bickers knowing that fuel and polystyrene - a packing product for the "useless" paperweights - could combine to create a highly flammable viscous liquid was the sort of information that earned him considerable "side eye" most of the time, but on occasion proved extremely useful. The fact he had known at least four other methods to make "napalm" was considered concerning.

The advance lines caught in the firestorm disappeared into the flames, the rest of the Xhost retreated.

"They're done for the day," said Kovac harshly, he looked out at the killing zone as if forcing himself to watch what he had done.

Kovac was correct in his assessment night fell and the Xhost made no movements to advance, the human forces bedded down and the sentries fought heavy lids as they watched the enemy lines.

Morning broke with a stiff breeze sweeping in from the northern shore bringing moisture and freshness to the air. The Xhost drew up and then stood watching the human defences, they stood and sang their hymns, Major Kovac ordered his men stood down but the infantry and SPDR stayed in their positions on guard while the engineers slept. The Xhost stood and sang all day, and late into the night and while Major Kovac had his men keep sentry and the others slept the less experienced troops stayed in position.

It appeared as though the Xhost might try to sing their way to victory, depriving the troops of the Galactic Council Defence Force of sleep until they were defeated but Kovac appeared to have a plan, as dawn broke the second day on the singing Xhost, the wind tugging at the ceremonial robes if their battle clerics rifle fire sounded and commanders of the Xhost began to fall, over a dozen shots sounded before the shocked Xhost rushed forwards. Half way between the two armies Hemmings and Richards the two finest shots in the engineers ranks broke cover and sprinted for the safety of their own lines.

While the two humans had a significant lead they were stiff and cold and amongst the massed ranks of the Xhost were species significantly faster than humans. As the massed ranks of the Xhost surged forward some shapes raced ahead, fastest of all were the unmistakable forms of Rhul converts, surging across the ground in their four legged posture.

Griffin Battery opened fire and still the two snipers ran with the Rhul closing the gap every stride. Hemmings was 30 yards ahead of his fellow sniper when he stopped, turned and fired three shots, the two Rhul yards from Richards dropped and Hemmings turned and sprinted for home.

The Xhost kept coming and for the first time reached rifle range, the Xhost drove on over their falling comrades as the defensive lines cracked with rifle fire. Flashes of colour appeared in the Xhost lines as Kovac's next trick was revealed. Artillery shells, robbed of half their munitions weight attached to left over paint tins rained down on the Xhost causing damage and spreading paint across vast swathes of Xhost numbers, coating rifle sights and eye stalks in blinding paint.

Still the Xhost pushed forwards until they were close enough that the faces of the myriad species of the Xhost converts could be seen. Kovac's last trick was played, empty paint tins and empty food tins, packed with the wrongly delivered pens and pencils and the munitions taken from the paint-shells were fired from the infantry's portable howitzers.

As the thin metal reached muzzle velocity of 180m/s it shredded spraying thin slivers of metal and wood out into the Xhost lines.

A shudder went through the fanatic troops as their advance slowed and they paused, no shot fired in return and over 3/4 of their own number laying in carnage.

Kovac stood up and walked to the lip of the human defences, "now, bullet bomb, bayonets!" He bellowed and the left flank suddenly hailed grenades followed by a volley of bullets and then the 88th 3 Squadron Combat Engineers launched forward in their own advance.

By days end the Xhost were defeated and driven from the planet.

I have multiple examples of humans turning errors into victories, vulcanised rubber, antibiotics and even the low resistance substance they coat their ships in but these are often seen as unique events, they aren't. Human achievements all across history have been accompanied by two phrases. "I have an idea" and "What if?"

I'm assured "hold my beer" is a crucial part of their success too.

#humans are weird #humans are space oddities #humans are space australians #humans are insane #humans are space orcs #earth is a deathworld #earth is weird #earth is awesome #space orcs #space australia #space faerie #this is why i call kovac daddy

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