#doesnt help that im on my period everyone is getting on my last nerves

[ihophashbrowns]

everyone in my family is getting on my nerves today

[yandere-sins]

Ivyyyyyyyy >.< you're the worsttttt(read: BEST) oh my god the thoughts im having abt dilic with a period kink rn. Gawd and he doesn't even know it's a period kink, he thinks it's absolutely normal to do nasty things with his girl while she's bleeding out and feels proud about it that HE can take her pain away

OMG continuing the diluc saga but yan dilic thinks darling's period is the perfect opportunity to finally put his hands on darling. He knows you're in pain so he promises, he's doing this for YOU not him (lies) he'll ease it in gently and make it feel good! Soon darling will forget all about those cramps bc of him him him! He doesnt need to feel as guilty bc he's helping you out.....right? OMG PLS write something abt thissss, it can be any yandere or oc but im going crazy after what u saiddd

Hehe, you're welcome! I began writing this as just a talk, but decided mid-way through to make it a scenario!

a/n: I wrote this before my hiatus and coming back to correct it, I found so many mistakes, it doesn't even feel like I wrote this smh... I did my best to polish it a bit since I can't see myself rewriting it in the future but if you find anything oddly worded just ignore it lol I wasn't myself back then :')

[Warning: Yandere, Sexual Content]

I can just see the cock cogs turning in this idiot's head as he racks his brain about how he can help you. Clearly, you're in pain, but no matter how many more times he calls a physician to have a look, they just keep waving off his concerns. It's normal, they say. You're healthy. That's what everyone has to go through.

And yet he sees you writhing and crying in pain—it's breaking his heart!

Pillow pressed to your stomach, tears in your eyes that you can't blink away fast enough before they fall. You're especially irritable, but it hurts him more when you whine and complain; Diluc wanting to help you now more than ever. He's already gone through the usual stuff, the imported water bottles from Snezhnaya and the chocolate from Fontaine. If you utter so much as a craving, he has the servants scramble to get it to you. Nothing is too expensive or too hard to get. You could have asked for the heads of your enemies, and Diluc would have brought them to you with ribbons and glitter if that had helped with your pains.

But alas, it doesn't.

It's been three days, and his nerves are raw, the bags under his eyes dark, and the burden of your health weighs heavily on Diluc. He can't see how things will ever get better. The other times you were on your period were conveniently skipped by business trips, so this is hitting him full force.

"Exercising might help," one of the maids suggests as he forces himself to consult someone more knowledgeable than him.

"Sometimes, my wife likes a little stimulation to alleviate the pain," a vintner chuckles, winking at Diluc as the word of his helplessness spreads. And suddenly, inappropriate ideas get stuck in his head, making him blush like a young lad in love.

»»———————— ♡ ————————««

Taking a deep breath, Diluc raised his hand to knock on your bedroom door. It was terribly late, the servants asleep and only the eery flickering of his candle guiding him through the night. Most likely, you were tugged in and fighting for your well-deserved sleep, so he hesitated, fist hanging in the air before slowly dropping it to his side.

What he was about to do was not only foolish but also filled him with the same burning in his body as using his vision did. He could feel the warmth sweep over him from his head to his toes, the latter curling in his shoes while most of the heat was throbbing between his legs, aching to connect with your warmth in a less-than-innocent way.

However, these feelings were nothing compared to the agony of the last few days.

If this was what he had to do to help you alleviate the pain, he would. If it was for you, Diluc would do anything in his power, whether to protect or help you. If he had to become a mere plaything so you'd be freed of the pain, then his concerns were a small sacrifice for all the good he was going to do.

Brushing his hair back, Diluc took a deep breath, reminding himself there was nothing wrong with wanting to help. If the method the vintner suggested worked, everyone would be happy. And if not, he'd keep searching for ways to free you of the pain. Turning the key in the door lock, he pulled it out before slowly entering your room, ensuring he could give you two the privacy needed in this situation.

To his surprise, you were still awake.

You made a half-hearted attempt at a greeting, but when you noticed it was him, you only scoffed, turning away. It hurt when you gave him the cold shoulder so callously, but Diluc knew you were the one suffering at that moment, not him. He could forgive you for being dismissive of him. Your bedside lamp was still on, and he could see you clutching a pillow to your belly, his own stomach cramping up with remorse, even though, logically, he knew it wasn't his fault. He loved you as you were, the good and bad days, your misery becoming his own much too easily these days.

Setting down the candle on your table, he walked over to you. But not before locking the door from the inside, just so he could give himself a few more seconds before his approach. Every step cost him a lot of discipline, being near you never having been this hard. Even when he looked confident around you, Diluc only ever felt weak. You made him vulnerable. Desperate. Longing for your love and affection was all he was allowed to do, so even just watching your chest rise and fall set him ablaze.

Pushing off his shoes, Diluc focused on the little space you left at the edge of the bed. It was the only space he could see that was reserved for him, as he didn't deserve to share your bed, in your opinion. Yet, when he climbed in, pulling the cover over himself and snaking his arm around your waist, he was enveloped in your scent, your hair tickling his skin as he breathed in deeply. Had he known that heaven was hiding so closely to him, he might not have waited so long to come and see you.

"What are you--" you complained, pushing yourself away from him. But Diluc's hand had already wandered beneath the pillow, feeling the hot water bottle you kept secured there, only to replace it with his palm. He was just as, if not hotter than anything the servants could procure for you; his body temperature naturally elevated from his vision. It wouldn't burn you, but with his hand hugging your lower belly, it was much more effective and fitting than any appliance might be.

And you fell for it, even if just for a split second.

For a moment, you leaned into the comfort of his palm, the pain vanishing in the blink of an eye. Diluc even caught you sighing briefly before you came to your senses, jolting and pushing away from him, only to get stuck inside the blanket and pressed up against him. Diluc couldn't help but grin, having read your actions before they even occurred to you, but of course, this was a serious matter, so he quickly composed himself.

"H-Hey!" you yelled as his hand drifted lower, his face burying into the nape of your neck. He wasn't there to dilly-dally but to be of service. To help you in your time of need. By the time Diluc pressed his lips to your skin and his fingers between your legs, you understood his intentions as well, perhaps misinterpreted, but clear as day.

He was going to fuck the pain away. 

If exercise and stimulation helped others, maybe it would do the same for you. His fingers were met with warm slick, your body flinching when he moved over your clit. Perhaps his calloused hands weren't made for caressing and soft touches but for teasing and stimulating. Judging by how puffy your lower lips were, worked up from days of rubbing your legs together and your panties aggravating them mercilessly, you were in dire need of his help.

"Don't fight it. You're not alone in this," Diluc reassured you as you squirmed in his hold, biting back the salacious sounds of pleasure you were keeping from his ears. You were so mean, keeping every little taste of appreciation from Diluc, knowing how much it meant to him. But he'd endure. Even when your ass ground back against his cock, making it incredibly hard to not focus on his needs as well, he'd put you first in all of this.

When he slipped his pointer and middle finger towards your entrance, a tremor went through your body, a gasp slipping out from between your lips. Diluc never knew how easy it was to get inside another person, greeted warmly and happily by your hole clenching around his fingers.

His kisses became more fervent against your neck, teeth snapping out as he felt like he was losing himself in your scent and warmth. The pushes of his hips against your ass became faster, your cheeks fitting so well around his shaft. You yelled at him to stop, but he barely heard you through the sounds of your sloppy, wet cunt, blood mingling with eager juices to allow him more reach inside you. It was almost as if he could hear them beg for him to go deeper, which just wasn't possible with his knuckles in the way, no matter how much he tried.

Forgotten was the pain as pleasure raked its claws through both of you, and yet, Diluc still heard you whine and sob as he scissored his fingers through your inside. It wasn't enough. He opened his eyes he didn't know he had closed, staring at your expression curiously. All he saw was anger and disgust, your teeth bared and ready to snap, while he could feel your nails digging into his arm. And yet, when he found your eyes, he saw a very different version of events. Lust, desire, longing. You wanted more, and Diluc wouldn't refuse such a request.

Slipping a leg between yours, he pried them apart, spreading you open wide. You gasped, squirming and trying to cut off his access, but Diluc only had to lean back to steal your balance, your body reliant on his while he gained more space on your bed. The hardest part was freeing his cock from the restraint of his pants, the fabric soggy with both your juices as well as his own pre-cum pearling off the tip of his engorged cock.

Nothing could have prepared him for the feeling of your wet cunt greeting his eager cock. No imagining of this situation could have come close to the throbbing heat, your walls convulsing around his fingers in eager expectation. Diluc placed his tip against his fingers, planning to slip them out and take the opening to sink into you, but with how wet the combination of blood and juices was, he felt himself slipping away, kissing your clit instead.

And for the first time, you moaned.

It was the sound of angels and everything nice, and he drew his hips back, trying again to fill you with his cock, missing it just an inch. All good things are three, and when he finally plunged it deep inside your pussy, you weren't the only one yowling in pleasure. No matter what he had imagined his first time with you to be, nothing would ever top the mess he caused between your legs, his cock ready to burst as it pulsated violently inside your equally as ready cunt.

He could feel the waves of pleasure going through you, the shudders in your limbs as he began to slowly press forward, kissing the last few inches of his reach. You remained stiff as a plank, but when he pulled out halfway before sinking in deep again, you were unable to keep your mouth shut, an elongated moan making its way to Diluc's ears, letting him know it was the right thing after all.

Immediately, any hesitation fell off him as he dragged his cock out and sunk it back into you. Fingers retreated to your clit, continuing to slip off and assault the little knob over and over while your walls clenched around his shaft, making you feel every one of his throbs and ridges, the heat between you two almost scorching.

Part of him couldn't believe it worked. That he actually managed to help you with this trick. But he'd have been a liar if he said it wasn't a pleasure for him, too. Diluc could never have dreamed about your proficiency in driving him wild, from your hot, puffy pussy wrapping around him to the improper sounds he had never heard coming from your lips before. The blood kept you so wet and loud down there; it was like you were synching your moans with your pussy, sloppy as they were.

It couldn't have been better, a shudder going through you from head to toe, your feet curling as you gurgled. Diluc wrapped his free arm around your throat, pulling you against him and burying his face in your shoulder as you came hard, juices leaking out, red dripping on the clean sheets with the blanket long discarded.

You were gasping for air as he plunged right back into you, waiting but a mere few seconds of yours before pursuing his own orgasm. Selfishly, but unable to stop. Diluc was already too deep in it, quite literally, your orgasm making your inside tight around him, but it posed no challenge with how drenched you both were.

A strained groan escaped Diluc as he buckled, feeling the first squirts of cum shoot out of him before he drew back, popping out of your cunt and covering it in his cum. His tip got stuck on your clit, as his jizz ejected under the pressure of his orgasm, making you mewl as you were once again stimulated. It would be a mess to clean, but it had been worth it.

You two collapsed, spent and dirty, but Diluc slipped his palm back over your lower stomach, rubbing the collection of juices over your soft skin, leaving a red trail. Kissing the side of your head, he was trying to collect his breath and thoughts, barely able to think straight as the feelings of happiness and his relief kept him in a chokehold.

"Better?" he asked, his voice a blissful rumble as he pulled you firmer against him.

But all he was met with was a cold glare and tears in your eyes. "I-I'm sorry," he stuttered instinctively, immediately feeling bad. What had he done to upset you again? Your teeth were biting into your lip as if you were holding back a tirade of screaming, ready to explode.

His cock twitched between your legs, bloody and so, so wet.

"I'll make it better! I promise! I will definitely make it better," he tried to reassure you, dazed with pleasure as he was, unable to see the actual problem with all of this. Your body convulsed in shock as he pressed his tip upwards again, and you gasped loudly as he sunk his inches inside you. This time, he wouldn't fail to make you feel better. And until then, he'd keep going.

All night long, if he had to.

[savnofilter]

answering all anonymous asks

i have a lot of mixed opinions and stuff so i just compiled them into one post. the public ones i will be posting separately, simply because i feel they are different. all responses are under the cut!

tw: mentions of pedophilia and gore.

i am and thank you!! i havent really eaten since tuesday but ive trying to keep my fluids up. i hope you are doing okay as well, anon!

~ i learned about puberty when i was 6 only because my sisters had already learnt it (ages 8). the educational sites used were always catered to helping the youth learn about periods, puberty, and everything that comes along with it. once i was at age 8, i also had access to the sites as well.

~ the idea of sex was brought around to me around 8. at 9 i had an experience but i will not get into it since it’s still slightly traumatic for me. other than having a negative experience with it, i yet again already had an understanding because of my older sister’s and i’s class experiences to have a grasp of it.

i would also like to add that my parent were never prudes. bringing up this point, disclaimer that they havent done anything weird to me or my sister. once i was 11 (in 6th grade), i was learning about sex and reproduction. my mother has always told me if i had any questions about that type of stuff, that i should never be afraid to ask. 

if she felt anything was too explicit she would tell me that i didnt have to learn about that right now and that when i am older she would be receptive responding. i honestly think the hate stems from the fact that they dont get dicked down well enough from their own bfs that they have to write the pent up frustration on minor characters.

i mean with the cult running around, yes it is. if you are not in a close circle or have an established following, you will have a much harder time getting your stuff out there. its not impossible but it is much definitely more difficult to start up. 

if you need help with getting your work out there i am more than welcome in trying to help you out tho!

THANK. YOU. someone had to fucking say it, couldnt be me since they refuse to listen to me. do you know how predatory in itself trying to control what minors of the same age doing together???? the only time i can see minors getting “arrested” unless it was public indecency. also why are you an adult knowing about 14 y.os getting arrested for sexual intercourse? 🤡

it definitely is safe. the people most active are teenagers so do not feel afraid. if there are any concerns please come to me since i am the original and head of the server.

!!! exactly. her sorry ass callout post about my age and followers LOL. “sorry i have more notes than you” i- i had to laugh. i think its so funny because if this was about followers i wouldve done this earlier, not when i hit 5,000 followers. 

^ this. all it took was a gabby hannah callout post about my age cnckjsvd couldnt be me. these people preach about keeping kids safe, the kids of the fandom speak up about an abuse and toxicity problem and suddenly we’re ruining the fandom? pick one or the other pls. 🤡

i just honestly find it concerning that theyre thirsting over a character thats um.... HALF YOUR AGE. fake or not its weird asf. its really not your place to say people shouldnt be uncomfortable because you write them “aged 18+” and the most you age them up to is 18 and still write them in U.A. i dont really understand why its such a hard concept to understand.

i just think its concerning that the same people who think i have no sexual awareness have no problem writing characters my age and the only version that theyre aged up is in their fics.

theres something wrong in this equation here.... 😗

lmao these adults have no problem giving people trauma. and yes, yes, and yes. we arent saying that there is a problem aging them up, its how you do it. its really the fact that theyre aging them up and having them at the dorms and aizawa is still somehow, their homeroom teacher? please make it make sense.

if youre especially going to age up someone and youre about 22+, your excuse is that, “their fake so it shouldnt be a problem” is predatory in all the wrong kind of ways. 

^ they hate to see it. but once again they did make this an age thing,,, obviously they only learned about sex when they hit 18, and i have hacked the system and infiltrated adult territory. 🤡

right. people are like 16 y.os cant have sex -- no its in place so adults like you dont think you can fuck them any younger. thats all i have to say. but no, im fifteen, i dont have a brain or any sense of the world. no h*rny card for me.

💀 imagine being old enough to understand that stuff can be triggering and no human should even be saying that... getting those shane dawson gore fantasies here.

“no one is mad at you for writing smut. adults are mad because youre writing smut”

your adults arent mentally sound and this is why im making this post. ❤️

lmao i am okay!! ive been having phantom nerve pain where my knuckles are because of that ask though and i had a gore dream. : ) i spoke clearly and properly, when i took them as a joke (yknow being the clowns that they are), they got mad! 1/10, would not recommend a conversation! apparently shes more mature about me but her last post was about riding a teenager’s forehead cnjk vdfd COULD NOT BE ME. she choose to ignore all the other claims and it shows~ 🍵

i dont really mind, ive been wanting to talk about my age on this blog for a really long time since last but sometimes things come sooner than later. even if you dont support my work, i still thank you for supporting me as a person!

RIGHT?! im just really concerned that there are adults who understand that there are moral issues here and some dont. this is why im making a post on a select few and not the whole adult community. thank you for coming to my TED talk. 

LMFAO but they dont see it?! 😂 i think me writing about characters my own age is much better than someone who has 10+ years, or better yet, MORE THAN HALF THEIR AGE writing about them. you had your hormones suppressed, doesnt mean mine should as well. 💓

personally, if i was an adult and i made a callout post on someone’s age, i would put a disclaimer to not bully the minors in question,,, just putting out there. your mature and respectful queen is doing magic. 🥰

^ and let me make it clear, after the point of time i realized that following was 18+ blogs was bad, i stopped following them. and even now im sifting through and unfollowing all of them. yes, i do have a brain at fifteen and can think. i know its a foreign concept for some people. 😳

no no no, its okay! i lied about being an adult so this all my fault. :D just think its concerning someone so easily can say one thing and everyone can follow. real cult behaviour and shes the leader. been thinking about making a mean girls poster and sticking her pfp on regina, but even regina had redemption and realized she had work to do. : ) 

lmao these people have said, “i started reading/writing smut when i was 11-13 but i realized how wrong it was and stopped” so how does it differ from me? you dont magically get good at 18. dont be a hypocrite.

even adults themselves are afraid to speak up. all it took was a shitty post for them to ignore the whole story. these people ignore all the abuse, therapy, toxicity, pedophilia (umbrella term) and everything else that she and her friends are being brought to light about. it shows how much of a blind eye that people have.

this is not a tati situation, i will not go back on my words.

this is understandable. this is even past the age, and this me repeating myself once again. i wasnt even the one who said i was groomed i- its people who were in your, space. think about that.

it really is. and what makes it more concerning that the same people who preach this will talk about how they want to, “beat us the fuck up” or rip our fingers for showing out concern for the vagueness of aged up in fics sometimes.

i even stated that its not everyone who does this but no one will listen.

[freerebelmentality]

AN: “ I have a Condibear request 🤗🤗🤗🤗 it’s game day, he’s in net and reader is at home watching the game nervously. So to distract herself from stressing out the game, she decides to bake a cake. The more she mixes, pours, pan and oven. The Sens are leading and it’s a Sens win. She makes the cake extra special by adding food colouring to the icing she made and when he comes home she surprises him with the cake that says it’s a win. From there it’s been tradition to bake while he starts. Pls&thx!! “ requested by @jacobmarkstrom25 There you go and I hope you like it. Finally getting things done, well slowly anyway. But its done. Enjoy this while I work on the something else. Have a good read everyone

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Word Count: 1,624

Its game day, the day you always look forward to because its a literal game of Russian roulette if your boyfriend will get the start in net. Being the girlfriend of a goalie is nerve racking but its always such a joy to see him be the starter and even more joy when he gets the win.

You have been dating Mike Condon since he has been traded from the Pittsburgh Penguins. You bumped into him every where the both of you went and he finally said something.

After countless of dates is when you couldnt stay away from him anymore and took a leap of faith.

Since then everything has been great and even happier when he got a contract extension, knowing the both of you will be in Ottawa for a while.

“You starting tonight? Or is Andy starting?” you ask looking to your boyfriend.

Mike stops in his tracks before walking out the door to go to the arena and get the start for the night.

“Yeah I am. Have you seen my keys?” he asks going through his pockets and realizing he doesnt have them

“Check the bowl” you say while smiling to him

“Thanks” while sighing and gives you a small smile

“Are you sure you dont want to come to the game? Its not to late” he asks looking to you one last time before walking out the door

“Yes, I am sure. Im bad luck when Im at the game, so I will play it safe and watch the game from home” you reply while helping him with his jacket

“You’re right. I’d rather have you stay home” he replies while wrapping his arms around your waist and bringing you closer.

“Funny. Maybe by the time you come home the locks will be changed” you sarcastically reply

He chuckles while giving you a kiss for good luck and another because he loves you dearly. He leans his forehead against yours and opens his eyes. He looks to you adoringly.

“Now I am looking forward to more of that after the game when you get back” you say as he walks out the door

“Every time I leave the house” he says as he closes the door

You laugh as he walks out and its nothing but echoes. You look around the apartment the both of you share and get to the paper work you didnt do at work.

You wanted to finish before the game started. You switched to the station the game is being televised so that way you wont forget to change the channel as you work.

By the time Mike gets to the arena is when he meets up with his other teammates.

“Y/n coming to the game?” Andy asks walking along side with Mike

Craig Anderson has become a dear friend to Mike and even though they share the net, it feels as though they battle for starter. Then again which goalie doesnt feel that way for their team.

“No, not this time” he replies as he takes a sip from his coffee

“Really? Im so used of her coming to the games” he asks while passing a few security guards and stopping for small talk

“Normally but she says she is bad luck when she comes out for the games” he says with a chuckle.

“So thats her bad vibes. Think we will play better tonight then” he jokingly replies and enters the locker room

They both share a laugh while the others ask what they have been laughing about.

“Alright I am almost done. Finally” you mutter to yourself as you look over your paper work

You get up from the chair and make yourself a cup of coffee from the keurig machine.

Once the game started, you sat in the living room watching nervously as Mike took the net and its puck drop. On the first play the opposing team tries for a scoring opportunity but Mike saves it and passes the puck to Dzingle.

Once the puck is poke checked away from him and another shot to the net is when Mike saves it but has lost the puck. There is a scrum in front of his net and he is all over the place following the puck and blocking it. Finally there is a slap shot to the net and Mike gloves it. The whistle blows and its time for the face off once more.

“Oh my god that was just too close” you mutter to yourself as you continue on watching the game

Finally the Sens score a goal on a break away and the crowd at the Canadian Tire Centre goes nuts.

“Nah I’ll just stay home. I dont want to spoil anything” you say to yourself as you change your mind about going to the game

You didnt realize how superstitious you were until you realized Mike has rubbed off on you. You chuckle to yourself as you continue watching the game. Nervously watching while hoping the other team wont score or get a go a head goal.

The first and second period passed like as if you were watching the game for five minutes. Which always feels like that. You pace around the apartment and look through the cupboards of the kitchen and see that there is cake mix. Finally you decide to bake a cake.

As you take out the mix, the pan, the mixer, the eggs, oil and water. All the things you would need to mix it all. While mixing all the ingredients together, you hear the Sens have scored again and taking the lead in the third period.

“Just a few more minutes in the third period” you mutter to yourself as you look to the TV

“Get my baby a shutout” you yell at the TV as the minutes go down to the last minutes of the third period.

Once its all well mixed is when you pour all of its contents into the pan. Again the Sens score again making the game two nothing.

You place the cake in the oven and set the timer. You look to the ingredients you placed on the counter to make the icing. The idea came to mind where you will make the icing black, red and gold. You hoped you would have the colours.

You looked through your baking cupboard, which Mike made fun of you for because of your organization to the kitchen. But it was necessary to organize the kitchen because you would know where everything is.

“Game it out?” Ryan asks looking to Mike

“Sure, I dont think y/n wont mind” he replies as he begins to get ready.

“Shes always cool with everything” Ryan says while getting ready as well

“What is y/n always cool with?” Mark asks as he looks over his shoulder to his teammates

“I asked if we can game and y/n is always cool with gaming out” Ryan replies as he looks to him

“Can I come?” he asks looking between Ryan and Mike

“Sure” Mike replies as they finish everything else for the night.

Once the cake is all cool down is when you get to work with icing the cake. Used the colours for the lettering and the number of Mike’s jersey.

You heard Mike unlocking the door and in time as you finished the cake.

“Y/n I hope its ok if Ryan and Mark are here. We are going to game out for a bit” he says as he enters the apartment.

You turn around with cake in hand

“Its fine” you smile as you look to him

“Look, its a win” you say as you smile

You smile as you see the other two walk into the apartment

“Whats this?” Mike asks looking to you.

“You made this?” Ryan asks looking to the cake

“Yeah I did while watching the game. I got nervous” you reply while setting the cake down

“Hockey then cake” Mark says with a big smile spread across his face

“Shall I cut through the cake now?” You ask looking between the three of them

“Yes” the three of them say in unison

“Oh and uh. I hope you dont mind but we are gonna game out for a bit” Mike says while helping you get the dishes to serve them out

“Go right on a head. Im gonna clean up” you tell him while serving the cake

“Dont, I can do that” Mike says while handing out the cake

“Oh thanks” you reply giving him a kiss to the cheek

While you, Ryan and Mark eat cake while Mike begins to clean the kitchen. He throws the pots and bowls into the dish washer and starts it.

“That wasnt so bad” Mike says as he sits down and finally eats his cake

“This is really good” Ryan says while getting up to rinse out his plate and fork

“Even the icing is really good, its not as sweet but still really good” Mark says while doing the same

He places his plate and fork on the rack to dry.

“Well I am going to get ready for bed and read a little” you tell them as you do the same

“I’ll be up in a little bit” Mike says while giving you a kiss to the lips

“Alright, good night guys” you tell them while going to the room

You were really happy how things turned out and how Mike brought some of the guys back so that they can enjoy a piece of cake.

Mike loved how you went above and beyond with the win and everything else. He is happy how lucky he is to have someone like you in his life.

[masterturner]

long drawn out personal post

this is a bit stream of consciousness, so if you’re reading this and trying to make sense of it, im sorry. its okay if youd rather not. its a lot and its emotional labour to even read it probably. it’s been almost a year since the breakup now. every day closer to the anniversary of it, i feel a little more broken. i’ve had two suicide attempts since then, a prolonged IOP thing, and i no longer see a therapist (though i really should start again). im not crying about borderline personality disorder though. this is all breakup shit. still.  im still holding together somehow. i dont really know how, some days. ive gone through the whole cycle of grieving multiple times now, cycling again and again through denial and bargaining and all that, ‘til i reach acceptance and think the hurricane is at its end. then i find i’m just in the eye of the storm, and it’ll soon pass as i get caught up in the winds again. then i do the whole cycle over and over again. thats what the therapists in the IOP said it was. a grieving process. you can grieve the terminus of a relationship the same way you grieve a dead person. it sounds so silly when i make that comparison. they also said that progress and healing are nonlinear and that it’s not really necessarily going to be as simple as passing through the grieving process a single time.  i said it sounds silly. its not silly though. its real, and i have to remind myself of that from time to time. i dont usually talk about anything personal on here, and its a little weird that im doing it now. but i guess im doing it because i dont know where else to do it. i could do it on facebook, but it feels attention-grabby, needy in a way i always feel weird being. doing it here under a little ‘read more’ thing feels less obtrusive and private, but not so private that im completely trapped in my own skull again. i hate feeling trapped in my own skull.  the anxiety bubbled up and got bad again pretty constantly. it got that way tonight. i felt my heart race while i tried to sleep. usually the worst points stemmed from me looking my ex up and seeing how their life was progressing along without me. unlike me, my ex has a drive and interest in the performance of social media that i generally lack. my social media experience begins and ends in shallow ways: i look at cute butts on tumblr, reblog dumb memes and get vague impressions of things going on in the world and such through the sometimes nonsensical things other people reblog. thats about it. my ex, though, shes the kind of person that does things like update her facebook profile picture at least once in a 6 month period, unlike yours truly.  i dont even follow her or have her friended anymore on facebook. heaven forbid i had an instagram to see what kind of stuff was going on there. it always got the worst when i saw her with her new SO. now i get to look at that every time i get the nerve to message her. its literally painful to even look to the extent i have to archive or delete every stray line of text we send to one another afterward.  i was seriously in denial - i talked myself into believing the SO wasnt an obstacle, wasnt a big deal, he was just a rebound and it didnt invalidate me. it didnt make me lesser, and it didnt mean that i was being replaced. after all, what stranger can replace 5 years of memories and experiences together? but i was a rebound too, and that led to a deep and intense relationship. why couldnt it this time too?  i was naive, i think. hopeful and naive, and i really wanted to believe this and that. ‘i know her’ i’d tell myself. ‘i know her, and i know she wouldn’t think this’ or ‘she wouldn’t do this’. but it’s wishful thinking.  maybe a part of me always did know better. maybe i stopped listening to that part of my own psyche because i started to recognize how harmful it was.  it’s kind of messed up how that works though? like... you can be happy with someone, but also be terrified of that day when they realize they can do better. and then it becomes a sort of twisted, fucked-up self-fulfilling prophecy because that thought sucks the life and passion out of you. it’s insidious and slow.  and it’s tempting to look at it like ‘i was right all along, everyone will leave me’, but that’s not really how it necessarily is. thats just the trauma talking, the fear, the part of my mind that’s lazy and resigned to suffering and collapse. it was that fear that made it real. maybe if i’d learned to manage that fear, though, things could have been different. would have been different.  it’s pointless to speculate on that though. the reason i say it isnt to speculate though, it’s because im trying to remind myself that it can apply to right now. the friendships and relationships i have now - few and far between as they may be, stretched thin as they may be, damaged and in dire need of repair as they may be - aren’t doomed to failure just because i’m afraid of loss and abandonment. the collapse doesnt have to be inevitable.  maybe talking like i’ve learned and figured something out from all this will make me feel better. maybe believing it all had a purpose will make it feel like it was worth it. eventually. right now, though, it doesnt.  i’m still so upset. i’m still miserable and i still long for things i can’t have. i miss affection. i miss being touched, even in a plain and nonsexual way. i miss being kissed and i miss being hugged. i miss being wanted, and every day i wonder if ill ever feel that again. and then i get to thinking, would it be enough to feel that from just anyone again? why do i feel so starved for... any kind of affection at all? why do i feel so desperate for something - anything like this? could anyone ever love me the way my ex did? i guess the cynical and plain answer to that is no, but thats okay. and maybe someone else can love me better. and maybe that desperate longing to be loved, cherished, cared about, touched, anything is just a symptom of an addiction that’s yet to pass. kind of a cold and clinical way to put it though, and i dont know if thats really me. yet i dont want someone else because its not enough to just have anyone. my ex left me, and now i still have that feeling of being invalidated, devalued, abandoned, and ultimately replaced. even if someone else came along and professed undying love for me, no matter how i welcomed it, that feeling of being tossed aside would remain. and i dont know how to come back from it.  i hate how much my mind... fixates on it. like... everything makes me think of it. i cant make a status on facebook without wondering if my ex will see it, what she might think. i cant leave my house and go somewhere without wondering, what if my ex sees me? what would she think of what im doing? would she approve, or be proud of me? would it impress her? or would it disappoint her? it saps the joy out of almost everything i do. i cant watch an old show without feeling bad im watching it without her. i cant help but wonder if she feels the same, or if shes gotten over it. and a part of me doesnt want to know the answer to that wonder. does she still listen to mili? coheed? does she listen to ‘old flames’ on repeat like i do? when ‘sweater weather’ comes on, does she think of me or someone else?  even now as i write this, i wonder if my ex still stops to peer at my dumb blog from time to time for a hint of how im doing and what im thinking. and i dont even know if id want to know, because seeing this message in that light casts a pall over it that makes me feel sick. i didnt want my ex to see how not okay i am. i didnt want her to see the part of me that feels so sick still. and i dont want to know that she doesn’t look at this either. so here i am at an impasse, writing words and tossing them into the void of the internet, hoping for and expecting only silence, while also hating and fearing the very same. id like to think that maybe this is a sign i dont care anymore, but i think i know better than to really believe that.  i force myself every day to just... not reach out. not say anything to her thats real or vulnerable - the few times ive talked to her it feels forced and fake. and it feels like ive cut off a limb, because im so used to leaning and relying on her. but i feel like i have to, because expecting that level of emotional labour from someone that has cut those ties with me seems silly and foolish... not to mention selfish.  why? maybe a part of me thinks that by hiding it, i’d win her back someday. or maybe im just afraid of being burdensome and difficult. or maybe i just... genuinely do want her to be happy without me. i wish it was that last one. i wish i could just back off and be happy that shes with someone else that maybe will treat her good in a way that i couldnt, or didnt.  i dont know what i want, though. i know what i dont want though. i know i hate feeling like this and i wish i could make it stop, but i cant. its not really getting easier. i had the borderline shit before this, and i could end up meeting the criteria my whole life for all i know. the breakup is just a massive complication in that whole mess, but i dont know if id even know what was wrong with me if i didnt have that relationship in the first place.  there was a day a few days ago, or maybe a week or two ago (i dont remember) where i wanted to hurt myself (not physically though for whatever reason), and in order to do it, i made myself do something i was starting to break the habit of doing. i browsed her facebook profile and scoured it for anything that’d make it sting again. i succeeded - it didnt take much. a few pictures, a relationship status change, that was pretty much it. my mind filled in the blanks after that because of course it did. it snowballed into full blown catastrophizing. they’re probably madly in love. they’re probably moving in together, if they havent’ already done so. they’re probably making plans to get married. they’re probably this and that and this and that - like it matters. like it affects me somehow.  but it doesnt. not really, not physically anyway. i dont have to look, and its like i hope not looking will make it hurt less. but not looking makes me hope, and hope has bred more hurt than anything else in the past year.  since i last looked her up in that fog of need to hurt myself emotionally, a lot of that dreadful hope i had that i could win her back drained away, and i want to believe that the pain will go away now. i havent talked to her since then. i still think about her. i still dream. i still fear and i still wonder and reflect. but i havent talked to her. is that good? is it bad? is it anything other than what it is? does it matter? maybe someday ill be over this. a part of me yearns for that. and a part of me is afraid to ever let go, because what if love wins in the end and all the time we had together meant something after all?  did it not mean anything if it didnt end up taking the shape i wanted it to take? no, it still meant something, but does that matter now?  i dont know. all i know is that to this day it hurts and... that’s all. thats all i know.  eleven months later and it still hurts. but i guess expecting it to be all better after 5 years of dating is a little unrealistic. i thought we were gonna be together forever. forever is a long time, though, i guess.  she makes it look easy, but maybe it isnt for her either, even if she’s better at making it look a certain way. i have no way of knowing and thats maddening in its own way. if i had the ability to close that distance... hear her out, be there for her, could i do it? could i get over my own fear and hurt to build a connection again? id love to find out. but i cant seem to get that far.  it doesnt matter though. its her life, and she has every right to move on without me. its easy to say ‘poor me’, but theres two sides to every story. a lot of pain that led up to the end. questions i still have that will never go answered, and closure i might not ever obtain.  ctrl+a, delete, backspace. that’s all it’ll take, tyler. then maybe you can sleep.  but no, instead you’re going to post this. for what? why? is it a cry for help? complaining for the sake of complaining?  i dont know. i cant leave it all in my own head though.  but the silence that i get back in response is liable to be deafening all the same  

[zoekennaargeluk]

When I was 15 years old, I ran away from home because I was pissed off at my parents for a reason I cant remember. I didnt have much money, so I decided to hop onto the skytrain(public transport train in British Columbia) and ride it as far as it would go. I reached the end of the line in less then an hour, and decided I wanted to ride it all the way back again, while trying to formulate some kind of plan of how I wanted to live the rest of my life without my parents or anyone. At the last stop, or the first stop depending on your perspective of it, a girl came on and sat in the row right behind me. I didnt pay much attention to her at first, as I was busy writing my life plan on a napkin. It was a few minutes later that she got up and came sat next to me, curious as to what I was writing. I told her the story, and after a few laughs, we began talking about everything and anything. Her name was Amanda, 17 years old, and absolutely wonderful. She told me she was getting off at the last stop, which was also the first stop, depending on how you look at it. It was also the stop I had gotten on originally, and I told her we would ride to it together. The train ride took less then an hour, and what a wonderful hour indeed.

When the last stop did come, we both knew we probably wouldnt see each other ever again(this was before the days of cellphones, and I was a shy little kid afraid to make moves). As we got to the end of the sidewalk which split in two different directions, she went right and I went left. Before saying goodbye she turned to me and asked me a question that has become a wonderful part of my life; she asked me, “Tell me something you have done, or want to do, that you think I should do? It can be anything, as challenging as you want it to be, or as easy. As long as you give me the rest of my life to complete it, I promise I will do it..” I was confused as to why, but I thought about it, and told her, “Sing a song acapella in a room full of strangers.” She said perfect and asked me if I would like a challenge as well. I told her I did, and she told me, “read, from start to finish, “Ulysses” by James Joyce.” I had never heard of it at the time, but I agreed, and we said our goodbyes.

I have a awful memory, and cant remember most conversations I have with most people. But I remember all of that clearly. You know why? Because of the challenge she gave me. In the 12 years that have past since, I have tried to read that book in over 150 different sittings. Everytime I open my copy of the 780 page monster of a book, I always think of her, and I always think of that day. Ive never been sure if it was her intent or not, but she left her lasting memory on me with that challenge. I soon after learned what she did, was a completey wonderful and amazing thing for me. So I decided to keep it going. Ive met a lot of strangers in my life; some that have become friends, and some, due to living in different time zones and whatnot, didnt. I dont want to just have experiences and then let them go. I want to remember these meetings, and embrace the fact that they happened. So whenever I leave someone who has left an amazing impact of my life, I always make sure to add them to my Ulysses Bucket List. I ask them to give me a challenge, as difficult or as easy as they want it to be, and regardless of the fact that they have done it or not; simply something their heart has had wanted to do.

Some have been easy and fun; I met a man in India 9 years ago who told me to, for a week or a month, cook/buy twice as much food as I intend on eating, and give the other half to a stranger in need. I completed that mission 8 years ago, and thought about that man and the time we had all the way through. I met a girl on a cruise 6 years ago, who told me to jump into a body of water on a slightly cold day, without touching or feeling the temperature of the water first. I did that the very same year. I met a couple at an outdoor music festival a few years ago that told me to wear the most bizarre outfit imaginable and walk through a public place, completely oblivious to the fact that you arent looking normal. I did that task the very next day, at the same festival. Some have been difficult, to say the least: three guys I met in Amsterdam and smoked all night with, told me to go to a mall and give 10 strangers 10 presents. That one took a lot of courage, but I did it a year or so after I met them. It was nerve racking, but at the same time exhilerating leaving my comfort zone. A girl I met on a plane told me to sky dive; Im still in the process of getting that done. A couple I met in Cali on the beach told me to tell the 5 people I hated the most, that I love them and respect them. That one was very difficult because of my stubborness, but ive come close to completing that list many a times(still in the process, 2 more people to go).

And some things, have had an everlasting impact on my daily life. I met a girl at a music festival, who told me that whenever I get mad at someone, walk away, sing my happy song in my head for 5 minutes, go back to the person im mad at with a clam heart and mind, and work things out. Ive made this my way of life. I once met a man at a gym in a hotel I was staying at, that told me “whenever your body and brain tells your that you are exhausted and done…use your heart instead and push out 2 more reps.” Ive made this my motto when working out or working on any kind of extrenuating exercise in which my body demands me to quit. I also use it while working on anything, and while studying. One of the best pieces of advice ive ever received.

There are many others that each brought joy to my life. There are still many tasks I have yet to accomplish, and everytime I think of these tasks, I think of the people that gave them to me. It amazes me how well I remember all these people, while I cant remember so many aspects of even yesterday. These experiences, not only do I take from them a “mission” or a “challenge”, I also take from them a memory of them that never fails to appear inside of my mind. I opened my Ulysses book for probably the 300th time yesterday, and read a few pages, which prompted me to share this story with you today. Im in the final 30 pages of the book, also known as the most dreaded of the read(in the last 40 pages or so, James Joyce doesnt use a single punctuation mark; no periods, no commas, no nothing; a straight 50 page run-on sentence).

I never saw Amanda after that day, nor do I know if she ever did get a chance to sing a song to a room full of strangers. But what I do know, is that she gave me a gift that has never once stopped giving. So wherever you may be, thank you for giving me the Ulysses Bucket List. And I swear i’ll finish it one day. My life advice? Simple: Create your own Ulysses bucket list.

Edit 1:fixed some spelling mistakes. Going to leave 'clam' as is, haha!

Edit 2: Ulyssesbucketlist subreddit is now a thing!

Edit 3: I'm trying to reply to all of your comments and give everyone who asks for their own challenge! Please bare with me, I'll get to you I promise!

Edit 4: Monday 5/19/2014 UPDATE: I'm kind of lacking words at the moment, and am in awe of the power of the universe. Writing this story was just to relive a moment in my life, and to share it with others and maybe help them in some sort of way(or just give an entertaining story to read). Never did I think there was the slightest chance I would actually get to talk to her again. But thats exactly what happened. Last night I found out that the Amanda that ThatGuyWhoAte knew, was in fact the Amanda I met 14 years ago. Thank you Reddit. From the bottom of my heart, I give to you the sincerest Thank You I can possibly give. You gave me a chance to continue a life story that stopped writing 14 years ago. I will never forget this.

// 

A thing on reddit i thought was really cool.

[lizziebennet]

Hi Aurora okay first tysm for your blog It's so lovely to have another person so passionate about my fave things (i.e hp and period dramas) Anyway, i recently read the HP series (again) and found myself feeling SO MUCH. I genuinely teared up at so many different touching parts and I was just wondering what are your favorite most heart-wrenching/emotional parts from the books? I realize this is a lengthy quesition so feel free to never answer this or take a year.

ye S SS i love being passionate ab things and sharing that passion w my followers!!!!! i love yall esp when u ask me questions like this where i get to talk ab my fave things everrrrrrrrr (ps thank u so much for letting me take forever to answer this ur so cute to say that ilysm)

ok so literally i will cry my way thru the entire series when i reread bc harry potter has so much emotional weight for me and so many memories that go along with it. but i decided to limit myself to just 10 bc otherwise id be sitting here typing all day. so w/o further ado: 

AURORA’S TOP 10 MOST TEARFUL HARRY POTTER MOMENTS: 

((in no particular order)) 

HARRY READS LILY’S LETTER IN DH: listen harry doesnt actually spend a lot of the books angsting over the fact that he doesnt have parents but in moments like this u remember he IS AN ORPHAN AND IT GETS ME SO HARD. fuk like just picturing harry crouched on the floor of sirius’s bedroom reading that letter… rereading it… crying… wow.gif!!!!! the line that makes me cry eveRY TIME is “She had made her g’s the same way he did : he searched through the letter for every one of them, and each felt like a friendly little wave glimpsed from behind a veil.“ LIKE RIP RIP RIP ABORT ABORT ABORT ITS TOO SAD!!!!!

THE LOST PROPHECY IN OOTP: JESSESCREAMING.JPEG!!!!!!!!!!!! listen ,,, i talk ab this chapter so much on my blog. it is my #1 favorite moment in my #1 favorite harry potter book which is my #1 favorite series of all time. SO ITS A PRETTY BIG DEAL. harry’s reaction to sirius’s death… his anger at dumbledore… his grief… his discovery of his fate… its beautiful writing and its so painful but so amazing to read. LIKE!!!!! MY BABY!!! HE’S LOST SO MANY PEOPLE!!!!!!!! MY SWEET SUMMER CHILD!!!!!!!!!! “I DON’T CARE!“ Harry yelled at them, snatching up a lunascope and throwing it into the fireplace. “I’VE HAD ENOUGH, I’VE SEEN ENOUGH, I WANT OUT, I WANT IT TO END, I DON’T CARE ANYMORE!” “You do care,” said Dumbledore. He had not flinched or made a single move to stop Harry demolishing his office. His expression was calm, almost detached. “You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.”” LIKE LITERALLY WHEN I GET TO THIS POINT I HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK BC IM CRYING SO MUCH I CANT MAKE OUT THE WORDS!!!!!!!!!!!! also fun story: one time i was listening to ootp on audiobook while on vacation and we were in the car waiting to taxi on to a ferry boat and we were listening to this chapter when the ferry guy came by to take our tickets and i had like TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE and jim dale is yelling as harry in the background…. the guy was like ‘is this bitch ok??’ lmaOOOOo 

HARRY AND THE MIRROR OF ERISED IN SS:  this is another one of those moments where you remember that harry is an orphan and its /so/ painful. thinking about this teeny 11 year old baby harry sneaking out every night just to sit in front of this mirror so he can see his parents………my darling baby sweetheart i love him So Much. it just makes me so sad like hes /so young/ AND HE JUST WANTS TO SEE HIS PARENTS!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHH!! it also gives way to one of my all time favorite hp quotes: “It does not do well to dwell on dreams and forget to live.” 

HARRY STOPS SIRIUS AND LUPIN FROM KILLING PETER IN POA: me reading this part is literally ISAYTHATSMYBABYANDIMREALLYPROUD.GIF!!!!!! like!! my boy!! he finds out this man literally caused the death of his parents and he MAKES THE GROWN ASS ADULTS SPARE HIS LIFE… LIKE… he literally acts twice his age and is so mature and is just…….so amazing. it shows such strength and wisdom and it makes me SO PROUD. the way he references james also makes me cry because you see the relationship harry has with james even though he’s literally never met him and its so beautiful. i love harry so much. 

HARRY AFTER SECTUMSEMPER-ING MALFOY IN HBP: this is literally the opposite of that last one where im so proud of harry this is def… not one of his best moments lol. he rly rly fucks up and his guilt is so raw and it makes me so emotional because i feel SO bad for him. its def an important harry moment in the books because it shows his flaws and the consequences of his rage, but it also shows how GOOD he is because he feels so bad about what happens and like willingly takes his punishment even though it means that he cant play in the quidditch match. he really like… atones and even tho its rough to read i def love that its a part of the series bc its a really like watershed moment for harry and i think it really reminds him of the wizard he wants to be. this part also leads to i think a more satisfying harry/ginny first kiss bc ginny defends harry and then him not going to the game leads to “several sunlit days” AKA ONE OF MY FAVE HP MOMENTS EVER!!!!!!!!!!!

HARRY AND HERMIONE VISIT JAMES AND LILY’S GRAVE IN DH: “But they were not living, thought Harry: They were gone. The empty words could not disguise the fact that his parents’ moldering remains lay beneath snow and stone, indifferent, unknowing.And tears came before he could stop them, boiling hot then instantly freezing on his face, and what was the point in wiping them off or pretending? He let them fall, his lips pressed hard together, looking down at the thick snow hiding from his eyes the place where the last of Lily and James lay, bones now, surely, or dust, not knowing or caring that their living son stood so near, his heart still beating, alive because of their sacrifice and close to wishing, at this moment, that he was sleeping under the snow with them.”  THIS IS ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE MOMENTS THAT I HAVE TO STOP READING BC IM CRYING SO MUCH I CANT MAKE OUT THE WORDS ANYMORE. I CRIED TYPING THIS. IM SO SAD. 

THE FOREST AGAIN IN DH: hoo boy. hoooooo boy this is a Big One. this one is really…. wow. just. wow. [deep breath]. there is So Much in this chapter that makes me cry where do i even START. harry realizing that he has to die and ACCEPTING IT BRAVELY LIKE THE HERO HE IS. “Why had he never appreciate what a miracle he was,  brain and nerve and bounding heart?” im crying….. hes so good. HARRY NEARLY STOPPING WHEN HE SEES GINNY and ginny’s crying and comforting some girl and im crying too. JAMES. SIRIUS. LILY. REMUS. WHEN HARRY ASKS IF IT HURTS TO DIE LIKE LITEARLLY I HAVE TO PUT THE BOOK DOWN AND GET UP  AND WLAK AROUND THE ROOM BECAUSE I GET SO EMOTIONAL LIKE. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! when harry sees harry and screams at him ……………… rip in pieces me!!!!!!!! ALSO ONE OF HIS LAST THOUGHTS BEFORE THE AVADA KEDAVRA IS OF GINNY AND KISSING HER……….. [GUNSHOTS] [SCREAMING]

BELLATRIX TORTURES HERMIONE IN DH: fuk this scene is no joke scary like it took harry potter to another level of real darkness. hermione being tortured was so chilling like beautiufl amazing smart snarky hermione it was so painful to read like my heart rate goes up when i read it bc im worried for my girl :/ and ron is sHAKING and like screaming and literally throwing himself at the walls to try to get to her and its SO upsetting like. they are still CHILDREN like theyre all so young and they dont deserve this like. hearing her plead and stuff … its just…. too much. these are my CHILDREN i have to PROTECT them. 

HARRY DIGS DOBBYS GRAVE IN DH: this is another one of those harry moments where i just want to give him a huge hug. like he insists on digging dobby’s grave by hand which is just ..... [gets choked up] its fine. and his thoughts while he dig make me so sad. he so /tired/. hes so frustrated with dumbledore and he the hallows and the horcruxes and he feels responsible for what happened. and ron coming out and helping him dig silently makes me so happy and its one of those times u really see how much rons friendship means to harry. and harry comes out of this like ... older and more mature? his wisdom and knowledge is rly apparent when he talks with griphook and olivander right after this like. he knows what hes going to do. hes made his choice. hes not going to race voldemort for the wand. i love him so much for that choice. hes such a grown man in this part like accepting responsibility, taking care of hermione and everyone like getting things in order. i love him. 

MRS WEALSEY HUGS HARRY IN THE HOSPITAL WING IN GOF: “’It wasn’t your fault, Harry,’ Mrs. Weasley whispered. ‘I told him to take the cup with me,’ said Harry. Now the burning feeling was in his throat too. He wished Ron would look away. Mrs. Weasley set the potion down on the bedside cabinet, bent down, and put her arms around Harry. He had no memory of ever being hugged like this, as though by a mother. The full weight of everything he had seen that night seemed to fall in upon him as Mrs. Weasley held him to her. His mothers face, his father’s voice, the sight of Cedric, dead on the ground all started spinning in his head until he could hardly bear it, until he was screwing up his face against the howl of misery fighting to get out of him.” HARRY POTTER DESERVES MORE HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he feels so guilty about cedric and god bless mrs weasley for telling him it wasnt his fault because it WASNT!!! he did so amazing in the graveyard like.. .he saw voldemort return and he fought him and he survived and he saw his paretns and hE TOOK CEDRICS BODY BACK SO IT COULD BE WITH HIS FAMILY!!!!!!!! HE TOOK IT BACK FOR THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  i would die a thousand deaths if it meant that harry didnt have to experience this pain!!!!

whew so there we go!!!!! the bottom line is obviously that i love the harry potter series more than anything and specifically i love the boy harry potter so so SO much and his suffering is agonizing to read and he didnt deserve any of it!!! i can litearlly think of SO many more heartbreaking moments in the series but here are just a handful. happy birthday to harry!!! 

[delenenightowl]

Its been a hell of a day and a half

The night before last i went into work full of anxiety, ive been getting bullied and harassed at work for about 6-8 months now on and off and this was one of my first shifts back since i escalated it to the higher levels at work. Everyone was nice enough, but i was so tense i gave myself a migraine that wouldn't quit, luckily it was only a short shift, so i would be able to go home early, relax, eat cake and go to bed. Little did i know, that as soon as i would finish i would look at my phone and have a bunch of messages telling me that people couldn't get through to my housemate (and friend of 8 years whom i care a lot about) and asking me if i was with her, instantly panicked i got in my car and drove home to make sure she was okay. She was safe and mostly okay, but drunk and had hurt herself, i instantly asked her if she wanted a hug, made her tea and together we dressed her wounds and put her to bed, getting rid of anything she could use to harm herself further. After calming down i went to sleep, hoping in the morning she would be even a little bit better and i could spend some time caring for her, i woke up with one of the most painful periods ive had in a long time. For those who dont know, i have pco and periods suck a lot. So after covering myself in hot waterbottles and heat packs, taking all the pain killers I could and checking on her to make sure she was doing well, i bed dayed till work. Once it was time to go to work i jumped in my car and headed off, i was going to be early and i was feeling good when the car infront of me broke too suddenly for me to stop in time and i hit them. Luckily no one was injured and i had stopped enough that it was only paint scratches on the cars, but it was terrifying, i was so shaken up i didnt know what to do. The lady i hit was very lovely and helped me calm down before we swapped info, i called work and told them i was going to be late. Work went well, people were being kind, a fair turn of events given the last 6-8 months, but the night was so busy and i was bartender, so my stress levels were high and given everything that has happened leading up my nerves were shot so my boss let me go home 2 hours early. Getting home was stressful as i was full of anxiety driving and constantly on the edge of my seat, it didnt help it was raining at the same time, but i got home, ate some food and went to bed, maybe 2 hours into the night i woke up, my guts all cramping and seizing in me and i spent the rest of the night, every hour or two getting up and running to the bathroom as my body flushed itself out. Which brings me to today, i still feel a bit sick, tummy and period mixing in with eachother but im doing better, thats when i get a call from my friend who is meant to be coming over tonight to roll up a d&d character for our upcoming game. She finds out that i havent been feeling well and she knew i had had a rough day the night before and instead of asking me if im okay or need anything, she tells me she wont be coming over because she doesnt want to be around me (fair enough im sick and no one wants to be sick, but its 100% that i ate some bad food, not contagious) and makes me feel like im gross, basically killing any sentiments of me feeling okay for today. And thats where i am now, back in bed, feeling depressed, sick, anxious, and like i shouldnt be around anyone ever again, and its just been a hell of a day and a half....

[baked-mashed-potato]

92 truths tag meme

Rules: Write 92 truths about yourself then tag 25 people 

Thank you to @custompotato for tagging me! ^_^ IM SORRY GUYS I KEEP FORGETTING TO DO THESE IM SORRY IF I NEVER DID THE THINGS YOU GUYS TAGGED ME IN SMH @ SELF

LAST… [1] drink: soup [2] phone call: mum [3] text message: mum [4] song you listened to: 321 by Hedley >:”) [5] time you cried: when i read this one really angsty fic goddang i lEGIT CRIED THE WHOLE WAY THROUGH i think this was a couple weeks back i dont really cry for non fandom related things so yeah idk the last time i cried for something related to irl stuff maybe like 5+ years ago?

HAVE YOU EVER… [6] dated someone twice: nope [7] been cheated on: nah [8] kissed someone and regretted it: never kissed LMFAO [9] lost someone special: not yet :”) [10] been depressed: not really so i try help others instead :””00 [11] gotten drunk and thrown up: im not much into alcohol l-lol... i havent been drunk before ^^;;

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLORS: [12] Black [13] Red [14] Blue (i swear this doesnt even have anything to do with klance LMFAO)

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU… [15] made new friends: YES OMFG I LOVE EVERYONE SO MANY VOLTRON FRIENDS ILY <333 [16] fallen out of love: never really been in love so no :”) [17] laughed until you cried: mORE TIMES THAN I SHOULDVE TBH [18] found out someone was talking about you: the popular crowd didnt like me much in middle school so yeah lmfao but yeah didnt really care [19] met someone who changed you: all my friends tbh goddang they all helped me be more confident <3 [20] found out who your true friends are: there are defs friends im closer with than others [21] kissed someone on your facebook list: LOL

GENERAL… [22] how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: pretty much all maybe like 5 i dont [23] do you have any pets: not anymore :”( [24] do you want to change your name: not really lmfao i caNT IMAGINE HAVING A DIFFERENT NAME [25] what did you do for your last birthday: i had a cake i think nothing elee really [26] what time did you wake up: 8:29am this morning cuz i had free period >:) [27] what were you doing at midnight last night: doodling [28] name something you cannot wait for: VOLTRON S3 GOTDANG also grADUATION AND THE GRAD TRIP ME N MY FRIENDS HAVE PLANNED [29] when was the last time you saw your mother: half an hour ago maybe lol [30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: wish i knew what i wanted to do or had a really clear passion i guess? [31] what are you listening to right now: nothing much [32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: im friends with a tom we even have the same last name LMFAO and his name is similar to my actual bros LMFAAO [33] something that is getting on your nerves: exams :/ [34] most visited website: Tumblr and twitter probs [35] elementary: blockhouse bay [36] high school: lynfield college for 1.5 years then auckland international college for 3 [37] college: havent graduated from hs yet but ive received some offers from some unis and im mainly leaning toward oxford i think? idk depends on whether or not i meet the requirements :”) [38] hair color: brown lol [39] long or short hair: Long [40] do you have a crush on someone: never had one oops [41] what do you like about yourself: i like to think im relatively easy going? idk [42] piercings: dont have any myself but characters with piercings are just yAS [43]blood type: blood type O lol im a universal donor though ive never donated blood before :”00 [44] nickname: Jelly/Po [45] relationship status: in a fading relationship its LDR and we’re both just really busy :””)  [46] zodiac sign: taurus [47] pronouns: she/her but feel free to use others if that makes you feel more comfy [48] fav tv show: vOLTRON [49] tattoos: none but i love the aesthetic of them [50] right or left hand: Right

FIRST… [51] surgery: none so far thankfully [52] piercing: none [53] best friend: a childhood friend we’re still friends but were not as close as before [54] sport: swimming probs lol but first competitive sport was badminton [55] vacation: China when i was 6 lol [56] pair of trainers: some random brand idk lol

RIGHT NOW… [57] eating: Nothing! [58] drinking: Nothing! [59] i’m about to: take a shower after this [60] listening to: Nothing, rn [61] waiting for: dinner LOL [62] want: to graduate LMFAO [63] get married: not nOW LMFAO  [64] career: student lol

WHICH IS BETTER… [65] hugs or kisses: hugs for now ^_^ [66] lips or eyes: eyes fam [67] shorter or taller: taller cuz please i need help reaching those shelves [68] older or younger: older idk id like to learn things from older peeps [70] nice arms or nice stomach: arms lol [71] sensitive or loud: can i say both because my best friend is both [72] hook up or relationship: relationship [73] troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant i guess? dunno

HAVE YOU EVER… [74] kissed a stranger? Nope! [75] drank hard liquor? nah [76] lost glasses/contact lenses? more times than i can count jesus [77] turned someone down: yea [78] sex on first date? i havent even kissed before so LMFAO [79] broken someone’s heart? maybe..? i was never quite sure if they were being serious when they asked me out [80] had your own heart broken? nah [81] been arrested? nop [82] cried when someone died? CHARACTER DEATHS MAKE ME CRY OK [83] fallen for a friend? nop

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… [84] yourself? somewhat? i guess? i like to be realistic [85] miracles? why not fam [86] love at first sight? in love with their looks yep but not with personality :0 [87] Santa Claus? nop [88] kiss on the first date? LOL [89] angels? nah

OTHER… [90] current best friend’s name: Apple and Angela for irl and Yuka, Oshi and Nai for internet [91] eye color: Brown [92] favorite movie: Coherence ^_^

I TAG: @wolfpainters @wardenalistair @wittyy-name @shavothehusky @sir-klancelot @lostangelas @hongjiseus @kawovan @animatedpretzelle @reachforthesora @oshietee @palmtreehero @meerl @onelastklance @kageyama-tobiyo @eyebagsarebetterthanhandbags @spotthetitan @bokooh @gn002 @justklance @oll1vian 

[gnostalgist]

🌻rules: once you have been tagged, you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. At the end, choose 25 people to tag.

I was tagged by @fixationpsychosis ! (thank u!)

🌻LAST…


[1] drink: zero ultra monster energy fsdjlfkjds (its the only Good(TM) monster so i had to specify)


[2] phone call: my grandma probably. if skype calls count, then dirk.


[3] text message: my grandma...


[4] song you listened to: ok it was the schuyler sisters from hamilton but it was bc i was doign a colorguard routine to it which probably doesnt help but

[5] time you cried: idk... a couple days ago

🌻 HAVE YOU EVER…

[6] dated someone twice: yeah


[7] been cheated on: uh you know what? probably, yeah.


[8] kissed someone and regretted it: not immediately??? but yeah


[9] lost someone special: yeah i mean.. i hope its not permanent but yeah


[10] been depressed: all day erryday


[11] gotten drunk and thrown up: nah

🌻 LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLORS…


[12] pastel pink


[13] the one shade of red u know. like my blog aesthetic


[14] orange but its gotta be soft

🌻 IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU…


[15] made new friends: yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i made so many new good friends somewhat recently!! i love them!!!


[16] fallen out of love: im trying

[17] laughed until you cried: yeah


[18] found out someone was talking about you: hhhh yeah

[19] met someone who changed you: mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm


[20] found out who your true friends are: hh yeah


[21] kissed someone on your Facebook list: ive only kissed two people ever and theyre both BLOCKED AS FUCK

🌻 GENERAL…


[22] how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: (sidenote: i dont like the term “real life” when talking abt friends bc just bc u have ldrs doesnt mean u dont know the person in ‘real life’ bc u do. but i know what its asking so im just gonna answer that) 3... because i panicked and deleted almost everyone off my friends list


[23] do you have any pets: i have a cat named Pico de Gato

[24] do you want to change your name: legally? yeah. but idk im ok w my name(s) rn


[25] what did you do for your last birthday: hhhhh I CRIED BC NOBODY WAS ABLE TO HANG OUT AND I SAT IN MY ROOM ALONE but then the other day my friend brought me weed as a belated bday present so whatever

[26] what time did you wake up: 6 am


[27] what were you doing at midnight last night: sleepin

[28] name something you cannot wait for: GREEN DAY AND AGAINST ME CONCERT NEXT MONTH!


[29] when was the last time you saw your mother: oh god last summer i think im not sure


[30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: not having bpd and ruining all of my relationships

[31] what are you listening to right now: against me bc i remembered the concert for #28...

[32] have you ever talked to a person named Tom: i went to middle school w someone named tom and i had him in social studies and he wrote a song for a class project on guitar except it was really bad 


[33] something that is getting on your nerves: this one kid i kind of know thats.. actualyl terrible i want them to die....


[34] most visited website: tumblr/youtube 


[35] elementary: idk what these are actually asking but i... think its asking where... i started to kindergarten at a school in south dakota, and then a different school here from then until 2nd grade; 3rd grade in texas; 4th in rochester, minnesota and 5th in winona, minnesota


[36] high school: currently in rn and it sux


[37] college: either going to a technical school here to get a degree as a diagnostic medical sonographer or going somewhere??? to get a phd in psych to be a clinical psychologist. prolly the former tho,,

[38] hair colour: black but rly badly dyed


[39] long or short hair: idk its like to my shoulders when its down but also i have a mohawk


[40] do you have a crush on someone: YEA IM RLY GAY FOR MY BF

[41] what do you like about yourself: my eyes and Musical Abilities(TM)


[42] piercings: idk i dont really want any,,


[43] blood type: idk ??
??????????????

[44] nickname: roxy (if that counts..), kasp, rox, friendly ghost


[45] relationship status: IM LVOE DIRK


[46] zodiac sign: picses/aries


[47] pronouns: god i dont fucking know.. any?? except if we’re not close u cant use she/her but. yeah idk. any.


[48] fav TV show: hm twd probably


[49] tattoos: i dont have any, BUT
 im going to get a bike helmet? idk where yet though. and then just those plastic vampire teeth, and finally, the Most Important one, the word ‘drown’ in morse code on the inside of my left arm. im gonna?? try to meet tyler joseph and have him write it for me.

[50] right or left handed: right

🌻 FIRST…


[51] surgery: i had surgery on my tongue in like 1st/2nd grade bc i couldnt like. lift it up


[52] piercing: none


[53] best friend: a girl named zaneb

 
[54] sport: uhhh i tried to do bmx for a while but ive never been in a sport rly until now if u count colorguard


[55] vacation: hm my familys always been poor so like. we’ve only gone to texas and south dakota to see family


[56] pair of trainers: wh.. what

🌻 RIGHT NOW…


[57] eating: nothing but i just ate a cookie i baked. also i know this isnt what it asked but i just want to say ive ate 7 tacos in the past 3 day.


[58] drinking: ALRIGHT i started writing this post like 4 hours ago but im still drinking that monster


[59] I’m about to: nut

[60] listening to: against me


[61] waiting for: dirk to come online?????


[62] want: dirk to come online?????


[63] get married: probably not..


[64] career?: diagnostic medical sonography or clinical psychologist

🌻 WHICH IS BETTER…


[65] hugs or kisses: hugs... kissing is honestly disgusting and ngl like 95% of the time ive kissed anyone i just found it Gross dskfjds;ld


[66] lips or eyes: eyes.....


[67] shorter or taller: ok i dont actually care either way but listen. dallon weekes is 6′4′’ and he can W R E C K  M E


[68] older or younger: i dont care but i usually just happen to like ppl older than me? but not by much like a year at most


[69] romantic or spontaneous: both


[70] nice arms or nice stomach: idc s’all cute


[71] sensitive or loud: idk both but at different times??

[72] hook up or relationship: relationship...


[73] troublemaker or hesitant: idk..

🌻 HAVE YOU EVER…


[74] kissed a stranger: god no. i tried once when i was 12


[75] drank hard liquor: yeah but i was depressed and we dont talk about that period of my life

[76] lost glasses/contact lenses: i dont.. wear them.

[77] turned someone down: i dont think so... nobody is interested in me ever lmao

[78] sex on first date: GROSS


[79] broken someone’s heart: i dont think so


[80] had your own heart broken: yeah

[81] been arrested: ....listen


[82] cried when someone died: no


[83] fallen for a friend: hm i dont think so. unless u count dirk but i had a crush on him like immediately

🌻 DO YOU BELIEVE IN…


[84] yourself: every other wednesday


[85] miracles: eh

[86] love at first sight: no but i think u can kinda have a connection at first sight. like a “i know im going to love you” at first sight.

[87] santa claus: yeah ofc


[88] kiss on the first date: hh it depends idk


[89] angels: i am an angel so like

🌻 OTHER…


[90] current best friend’s name: i never have like actual best friends bc nobody likes me but idk ill go out on a limb and say martin


[91] eye colour: blue


[92] favourite movie: the labyrinth or heathers or little shop of horrors. or book of mormon if we pretend thats a movie

im too lazy to tag people i am SORRY if u wanna do this then say i tagged u tho!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

[charlesef3]

Not to be, not even a question

Damnit, i still miss her

Get over it

Nah, i love her

Man its been a year get over her

No not that stupid ass way yall mean when you say it the instant you go out with someone, i mean i honest to god love her

So what she doesnt even like you now

Maybe i can change, maybe she'll give another chance then

Shes done with you, shes onto better things

No way man i-

Look man heres the reality, regardless of how fucking 'heart-broken' you are she aint going for it, and if she did would you really wanna damn pity relationship? Honestly knowing that you love her more than she does you?

...

Look, shes special i get that. But your not, shes gonna date some fucking amazing guy or girl out there, like nobel Prize type shit, and your gonna still be the highschool fling

I know...

So why the fuck are you still agonizing over her. If you know that move the fuck on

I knew that from the get go, i shouldnt have let her convince me otherwise but i cant-

Shut the fuck up, this isnt a goddamnned story where the pauper gets the princess, fuck around, date other chicks, youll get over her

No, date one girl while wanting another? Fuck kinda bullshit is that

Well you're fucked then period

Well i could...

You could what

I honestly dont know anymore, ive tried everything, i even begged her

But i thought you didnt

But i did, for her

...dude

Wanna know the worst part?

What

The worst part is, after she broke me off like a month later she hmu wanting to get back together. And you know what my dumbass did?

Whatd you do

I said no, i said motherfucking no just because i was scared shed leave me again. Saddest part about that? I already couldnt function right without her. She was my bestfriend, my girlfriend, my everything already, yet i said no. Wait a littlw longer make sure shes sure

Damn so its your fault

Yeah, and then i had the nerve to try to aak her out a month later, and youll never guess what she said

No?

She said no, didnt tell me why just no

She waa probably already moving on talking to someone else man, itd been what? 2 months?

She was, she told me that after awhile, but honestly man? Honestly i probably couldve bounced back or maybe tried to forget her a little better had she not said that one thing

Whatd she say?

'I do still love you, not like a friend or a bestfriend, i love you'

...

Then not even 15 minutes later i fucked up

Howd you manage that this time?

I was talking to her bestfriend about everything like it was just ok to, like it wasnt on purpose, it came up in conversation while she was complaining about her first love, but my dumbass sat there talking to her going back and forth about it

... And what did the girl do when she found out?

She cut me off again, that was enough to just snip the last thread of a chance i might've had, went from maybe i could have a chance again to she wants to be strictly social media type friends, not bestfriends, not even good friends

...

And i can honestly say its all my fault you know?

...i know

It was fun though, i enjoyed every second with her, and even now stuck on her. I know id never take any of that back. She was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. Probably the best thing that ever will

There's other girls out there man

None like her, shes one of a kind i promise you

...

You know, your the only one i can talk to like this

I know

Anyone else somehow itd get out, or theyd just find some reason to be mad at me and never talk to me again

I know, ive seen

Is it ok for me to just stay single for good? Everyone thinks i have hoes anyways

The way you think, until you stop loving her thats probably the best move

Ill never stop loving her

You'll never find love that'll be reciprocated then

Thats something ill have to deal with

Why, why so head over heels for her

...

What about her makes her so special from the trillions of people on this earth

Everything

Everything?

Everything, from how she liked to bury her face in my chest when she was feeling shy. To how she never would believe anything i told her not from first hand experience, hell even the way she likes to switch it up how she dresses, she goes from a couple days looking comfortable asf to a couple days belonging on a throne,

Theres plenty of girls like that out there, shes special not all that special

And then shes caring beyond belief, like god. There were times where i honestly didnt want to tell her things because shed be sad for someone elses sake you know? And jesus how she hated it when i wouldnt tell her things, i actually had to weigh out whether itd be worse to actually not tell her 😂,

...

Awe man and don't even get me started on hoe creative she is, like she honestly made me think about allot of things in a new light. Albeit she was a tad bit impatient, but even that i thought was cute asf,

...

And man she had some beautiful eyes, like honestly whoever eyes are the windows to the soul? HAD to have seen hers

...

And i hated seeing her sad dog, like that shits actually painful, like there was this one time where i was about to move right? She started crying, like honestly crying and it hurt so fucking much man, like i actually went around and had to move in with my cousin near me cause i straight couldnt deal with the thought of making her that sad

Damn dog, sounds like you had something special there

Mannnnn i haven't told even quarter of it, that would take more time than this entire conversation

LMAO chill

Lol aight aight.... But man she had the body of a goddess too 😵, like everything about her is just right, like head to toe she is gorgeous

Damn

Lol but that's enough i guess man, im depressed ats and lo and behold of course my depression hit there,

Depression? Cause of her?

Pfft, she is in no way shape or form the cause or even assistant of my depression. She was one of maybe 2 people i trusted to help me deal with it

Ah damn ok

Well shit it was a little relieving talking to myself but now its time to bury this conversation under a ton of aesthetic pictures

Why?

Because everyone i trust with this kinda info about me invariably leaves me, one reason or another after having a convo like this they just *poof* , its at the point where i dont even trust them to read it and not disappear

Damn dog

Its cool though, i still got a bit of time before the pressure kills me

Yeah but we need someone

...

We do

Like i said, burying this whole thing, you get the morale though, whatever else. We still love her, and we always will

Yeah... I guess she was kinda the best thing to happen to us

Goodbye, and goodluck

Thanks man we need it...