#doesn't matter how many 5* i've gotten it's just never fucking ENOUGH

[thingswhatareawesome]

i really really really really really fucking hate forgotten hall

(oh yeah and since when do shared support characters talk when you add them to your team? blade said something snide to jl after i picked him and i was like excuse the fuck you?)

[tin-wufborf]

Tin's Favorite Sterek Fics (Part 19)

Hello, and welcome to part fucking 19 of Tin's Favorite Sterek Fics. Good lord, how the hell have I gotten to 19 of these?? I cannot believe!!!

As always, thank you all so much for all of the love you continue to show this little series of mine. I never really expected any of these posts to get more than a passing notice from anyone, so to see that so many of you have liked and shared this series is honestly kind of mind boggling but also pretty cool. Because I just want everyone to read these stories, ya know? Like, I really love all of these fics that I'm recommending. I wasn't lying or exaggerating when I said that I re-read these fics all the time. I love these stories, and I want others to love them too.

I won't go on some of the crazy tangents that I do IRL, but I fucking love fan fiction. I truly believe that a good chunk of the world's more trivial issues could be solved by people simply getting into the right kind of fanfic for them. Because there's really something out there for everyone so long as you're willing to look for it, and I just think that is the coolest thing, you guys. It's just the bees knees. So to be able to share these lists of my favorite Sterek fics has been such a fun and fulfilling endeavor, and I am glad to have been able to share it with you all.

Okay, enough sap from me! I have admittedly imbibed a bit before writing this up, so I am a little bit in my head right now as well as in my feelings.

I hope you're all having as good a day as you can, if not a great one.

Smoochies and squeezies!

List and links to previous/next part(s) below the cut.

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DISCLAIMER: This is me warning you all that some of the fics I've included in this list may cover explicit, dark, and/or "taboo" subject matters. I cannot express enough how little I care what anyone thinks about any of that; all I want is for you to use caution when reading anything I've listed here and to please review and heed whatever tags the authors have provided in order to keep yourselves safe. Your experience from this point on is your own responsibility, not mine and not the authors'.

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Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 | Part 14 | Part 15 | Part 16 | Part 17 | Part 18 | Part 19 | Part 20

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Family Day by klutzy_girl (T | 1/1 | 2,447)

Derek and Stiles spend the day with Stiles' (and Scott's) younger sister and come to a few realizations.

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You aren't broken by GreyHaven (G | 1/1 | 4,339)

Derek doesn’t understand sex. Well, no, that makes him sound innocent and sheltered and he isn’t either of those things.

But he doesn’t understand the appeal of sex.

The one in which Derek thinks he's broken and tries to break up with Stiles. Stiles doesn't let him and insists on an open conversation which leads to Derek realising he's not broken, he's asexual. But can Stiles accept that?

(Spoiler alert: of course he can.)

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and the wild things roared their terrible roar by hoars (E | 1/1 | 4,905)

Derek as Khal Drogo (but set in snow beyond the wall) and Stiles as Daenerys Stormborn (although he's a greenseer of the Children rather than a dragon).

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Show Me Your Igloo and I'll Show You Mine by DiscontentedWinter (E | 1/1 | 4,943)

Stiles is finally going to meet the online friend he's had for years.

Instead, the hottest guy in the world walks in.

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that boy is a monster series by hoars (3 works | NR-M | 6,840)

1. monsters steal me away (M | 1/1 | 1,720) There’s a monster in the forest that has taught Stiles to lie and to love. 2. no secret stays secret (NR | 1/1 | 2,558) John follows Stiles into the woods one night. 3. my ghosts approve (NR | 1/1 | 2,562) (optional) Derek loves all his past loves because they all taught him how to love Stiles best.

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Run Wild and Free by greenleaf (T | 1/1 | 6,991)

Derek is a police officer, just recently moved to Beacon Hills, and possibly nursing a crush on the really hot, really powerful doctor with the twin sons.

(Or a story that was almost titled, 'I'm Quite Fawn'd of You, My Deer' but I stopped myself and I don't know why.)

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Do It For The Vine by crossroadswrite (G | 1/1 | 7,108)

“Tammy,” he calls her to attention and his baby daughter turns her sweet hazel eyes to him. “Do you want to go to the skate park tomorrow?”

Autumn gasps and twists until her bony knees are digging into his thighs.

“Daddy,” she says very seriously, placing both hands on his cheeks and looking him in the eye. “Don’t play with my emotions, daddy.” . (OR: in which Derek's daughter gets a skateboard and a cute guy teaching her tricks and Derek just gets the cute guy.)

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The Jackass in the Camaro by isthatbloodonhisshirt (wasterella) (G | 1/1 | 7,237)

To the guy I splashed with water on First and Crown on Thursday, February 27th around seven at night: I am an a**hole. I’m sorry. I was being an impatient driver, and I just wanted to get home, and I cut off the bus to get there faster. I didn’t mean to soak you with rainwater, and I am truly sorry for doing so. That was a total d*ck move of me. With regrets, The Jackass in the Camaro.

Stiles had to re-read the notice four times before he honestly believed he was seeing it with his own two eyes. He’d gotten splashed by rainwater on First and Crown on Thursday around seven while waiting at a bus stop because of an impatient Camaro driver cutting off a bus.

Like, that was actually a thing that had happened. This was a real thing.

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The Plan for Healthy Eating in the Stilinski-Hale Household by inhystereks (G | 1/1 | 8,100)

Melanie burst into tears, screaming about how she didn’t want their daddy to die while Greg tried to comfort her, sending his own anxious glances Stiles’ way. Elena grilled Addie and Clary about whether they knew for sure. The twins started listing examples from their textbook. Ian turned to Derek asking if food could really hurt humans while Kevin turned to Stiles and begged him not to kill himself by eating too many curly fries.

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children of the bad revolution by hoars (NR | 1/1 | 9,506)

Far away and long ago, the only companion Derek has, the only friend and enemy he's known since he was young, is the chain.

Then Stiles happens.

Then the crows.

Then the end of the world.

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to build a home by elisela (T | 1/1 | 13,021)

“You realize you’re at least ten grand over budget on Stiles’ house, don’t you,” Allison says, and he’s not entirely sure if it’s a question or not. “You better hope this works out because we can’t afford to build an entire house for everyone you want to date.”

He doesn’t bother denying it. “I’m going to do a lot of the demo and installation myself,” he says, leaning over her to cross off some of the numbers she’d written down. “It��ll work out.”

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A Crooked Way to Fly by andavs (G | 1/1 | 14,980)

“We can’t just leave him here to die.”

“He’s an emissary, Scott.” Derek tried to make his tone empathetic, but Scott’s tendency to fight back on everything always grated on his nerves. “His pack is gone, he won’t survive more than a day or two either way.”

“Then we should stay with him.”

Derek sighed as he studied the man for a moment; he was too pale against the fur rim of his hood, almost grey from lying out in the snow, and his cloak was stained with dark dried blood around a protruding arrow shaft. It was unlikely he would even last the night. They would probably be able to carry on in the morning with little time lost, if any.

It wasn’t a horrible idea, Derek decided reluctantly. They hadn’t been able to set up a real camp for a few weeks in the open foothills, and they were all on edge from sleeping in exposed areas. A defensible place to sleep would be good for them, even if they were surrounded by death. They would be able to give the pack proper burials, at the very least.

“Fine. One night,” Derek relented, already moving away to check on Isaac. “He’s your responsibility.”

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This Kind of Luxe by sugarybowl, weathervaanes, wishingonalightningbolt (E | 1/1 | 15,113)

As they have for almost every US President since the 1910s, the Prime Minister and the royal head of their country pay a visit to the United States after inauguration. Which is why, when President Jonathan Stilinski is elected into office, Queen Talia Hale of Norland plans their trip.

-0-

Prince Derek and First Son Stiles. Gooey, ridiculous romance ensues.

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Good for you by lilysaid (E | 1/1 | 16,768)

Completely by chance, I saw a "human boyfriend for werewolf roleplay" ASMR video on YouTube and thought 1. Stiles would totally do something as reckless as making an ASMR channel for werewolves 2. He would be really good at it and 3. It would definitely blow up in his face.

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No Other Love by Idday (T | 1/1 | 18,745)

And maybe it’s irony, or the universe at work, or maybe it’s just Derek Hale’s shitty luck, but that’s when, at that exact moment (as Stiles will swear later), there’s a knock on the door. “Laura?” Derek breathes in disbelief, and Stiles feels his own face fall into confused slackness. Because the girl standing in the doorway? The last time Stiles had seen her—or, well, half of her—she’d been very naked, and very, very dead. “Hey, baby bro,” she says with a grin. ... OR: The one where Laura comes back from the dead, and it turns out to be bad for Stiles, because he’s suddenly spending a lot of quality time with one of the coolest people he’s ever met, and her brother. The guy that he might be just a little in love with. He's not okay.

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Nothing Short Of Perfect by GotTheSilver (E | 1/1 | 27,019)

In which Derek and Stiles are made aware of their potential and have to make a choice about what their relationship will be.

“Let me get this straight,” his dad says. “You’re telling me a witch told Derek and yourself that you could be destined to be together and now Derek will be going to college with you?”

Stiles shrugs, resting his hands on his legs to stop himself from fidgeting. “That’s about it, yep.”

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The Weight of an Enchanted Heart by PalenDrome (nerdherderette), 1jet2unknown (E | 1/1 | 31,590)

Marriage to the shape-shifting Alpha King of Lunansholt wasn't on Stiles' bingo card. His magic had other plans.

[excerpt]: Stiles entered Derek’s chambers, slamming the door behind him. “What did you do with my things?”

“These things?” Derek asked, waving his hand with an arched brow.

Stiles gaped when he saw his books lined neatly on Derek’s shelves. His trunk was in the corner, many of his clothes were visible in the partly open wardrobe, and the cloak he’d brought from home hung neatly on a hook.

“It would have been nice if you asked first.” A quick sweep around the room found only one bed. “Where am I supposed to sleep?” he asked, frowning.

“We are married now, Stiles,” Derek said after a moment. “We sleep together.”

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No Mercy by Gia279 (M | 24/24 | 24,743)

The story of the Boy King was this: when he was sixteen, the Stilinski kingdom was at war with the Novak kingdom. King John was on the front lines with his soldiers when his teenage heir came to check in with him. The king was struck down in a nighttime attack, in front of the boy. The boy took up the king’s dropped sword, mounted his war steed, and slaughtered the enemy forces.

When the remaining soldiers surrendered, he cut them down with his father’s sword and returned home a boy king with a bloodstained reputation.

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Salty Sweet by secondstar (E | 11/11 | 46,478)

Derek works at a porn store. One day, Stiles comes in asking all sorts of TMI questions about different toys. That's where it all starts.

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Call Me (Cliché) by orphan_account (M | 18/18 | 84,649)

When the sheriff's sister ends up in a wheelchair for the duration of summer, Stiles' dreams of three months full of pack bonding, late-night video games and bro-time with Scott come crashing down. He's temporarily relocated to Redford, a three hour drive away, and he can already tell he won't be getting many visitors.

Sure the pack will forget about him while he's gone, Stiles is determined to make the most of his summer of isolation, training his body and mind - and his magic - so he can come back with a bang, and maybe catch a certain Sourwolf's eye.

Then Derek shows up at his window one night with a flimsy excuse about needing research done. Suddenly, his summer away is looking a whole lot more interesting.

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[sometimesiammybpd]

tw // mentions of suicide, self harm

when someone asks me how i'm doing, i default to "i'm okay." it's the safe answer. any less than okay and they get worried and any more than okay and they think i'm doing better than i am. because that question has gotten harder and harder and harder to answer as the years go on and it's because all i feel is rage and anger. or emptiness, but usually either one or the other or a mix of both. even when i have an off day or i wake up not feeling . . . the worst . . . i still don't really feel happy or okay. i just feel. i don't know.

i want to be okay. i want to be normal. i don't want to keep spending my days wondering why i can't be like everyone else. it's so tiring to feel like i'm forever emotionally stunted as a teenager because every little thing sets me off and makes me split. it makes me feel like i'll never have control over myself. and it makes the cycle so draining because i swear i am trying so hard to understand my issues and problems. i am trying so hard to work on them and become better even if i'm already decent, but it hurts when all i see is the definition of insanity. doing the same thing over and over and somehow expecting a different result. i don't enjoy snapping at people or feeling so much fucking hate all the time, but no matter what i do it doesn't feel like it'll ever go away. it's gotten me to a point where not only can i not trust anyone, i just don't even trust myself. i don't trust myself to be around my friends or be around my family and NOT because i'm abusive or anything but because i don't know when something will make me split and i don't want them to start seeing me as abusive. and i do admit, i don't know what form of BPD i have or if this is just anger issues or what but when i get set off into an episode and i'm starting to split badly, i just. i feel like i age regress to like three years old. because i start throwing things and yelling and screaming and my body starts to get hot because i'm getting so overwhelmed. and then if i get pushed enough, i either shut down, cry, or both. usually the first one. and when it happens at work, it makes it even worse. i literally had an episode that got me so fucked up that i kicked the hell out of the trash can in the office for 5-6 minutes, spewing trash everywhere, and then broke down crying because that's how overwhelming everything felt in the moment. i fucking hate it so much.

and i've tried to put it into words what an average day for me feels like now. besides my hypersexuality taking over half the time, i just feel rage and hatred unless i'm euphoric. i also feel like i've already contradicted myself a lot and honestly, how this reads is how it feels. it makes no fucking sense to me and it's. just.

yeah.

i don't know. i really don't know. the other thing that really makes living day-to-day so hard is that . . . well. all i ever think is that i'm faking everything. that i've somehow managed to convince myself and everyone around me for years that i have all these things wrong with me that i really don't. and i can only really explain parts of it. like, i don't feel the way other seem to feel with bpd. i think i said it earlier but i really don't cry. stress or overstimulation or whatever just comes out as rage or anger and i hate it. there have been many conversations with close friends where i've vented about just the fact that i can't cry (unless i get pushed so far that my emotions don't know what else to do).

the scariest part is all the things i don't have answers for, i don't even know if it'd be worth getting answers at this point. i know that not everything has answers and that's tiring on its own right but it scares me. because it falls into that same category. what if i don't deserve to know? what if this is my way of suffering after all the years of pain and suffering i caused others to go through? what if i'm not able to accept the answers? i mean, these are some of what goes through my head all the time. but it goes hand in hand with the whole "what if you're faking it" thing. i've felt that way since i was thirteen. i knew something was wrong, but i quickly grew to feel like it didn't matter because it was all because of me. if i could have some self-control, i'd be normal. if i wasn't so toxic, or abusive, or manipulative, or self-absorbed, or narcissistic, etc. it's all the same but it never stops hurting. and it's so hard trying to have people who don't live like this understand that this is what a normal day is like for me.

that on a normal day, i want to kill myself the entire time. i want to rip my arms apart and take everyone down with me. that i don't hate someone one moment and the next i wish them immediate suffering and that i never have to speak to them again (but then i take it back twenty minutes later because i'm no longer feeling that way). i actually learned of a new term that i didn't know of. around the time when i got diagnosed with bpd, i learned of the term NSSI. non-suicidal self injury. and it made a big part of me make sense for the first time in my entire life. hurting yourself because you need the thoughts to stop, not because you're trying to commit. i guess i can mention this here but i don't really hurt myself. at least not in the expected sense. i have before but usually only when things get so bad and i actually have access to it. most of the time though, i actually can just not do it. it's not that i don't feel like it's something i should be doing or i deserve it or whatever, but just because i can't move. like i'm hearing in my head: "do it. hurt yourself. who gives a shit about you anyways," and meanwhile i'm just sitting here to which someone on a first glance could say "oh, you seem okay." but i'm not. in that moment, i barely feel there.

i don't know. it's so hard to explain. sorry. this post probably doesn't make any sense. i don't have much left to write because what i have put down already was so hard to get out there. and i hope my posts don't just come off as only complaining or whatever. i don't want to take my life most days in a serious sense. i've learned i definitely have passive suicidal ideation, but yeah. i wanted to at one point which then stretched for a long time. but not anymore. i worry a lot about being too negative.

always wanna say, dms on here are open if anyone needs someone to talk to /gen.

[texasthoughtsaboutnothing]

So, Canto 5. Spoilers.

Peak fiction, utterly incredible. My following thoughts will be jumbled but forgive me.

I've sadly not finished the source material, so I won't analyze it from that POV, but just to discuss the continued building of the world of the City, the Great Lake is so well conceived as a setting. The individual Lakes and their Waves, and the Whales that cause them, the variable coordinates and U Corp's monopoly on written data of Laws. You could make a whole damn RPG on the back of this stuff alone, I know TTRPG heads are looking at this and coming up with some homebrews.

I wonder if the Lakes are actually the result of the Whales changing the waters around them? Ishmael theorizes that the Whales parasitize humans out of loneliness, to make others like them (which of course reflects on Ahab as a Whale) and I wonder if the waters of the lake are similarly changed to reflect the Whale? And then I think about how Ahab turned the inside of the Pallid Whale into Pequod Town gah the subtext.

I'm also thinking more about the Sinners as a found family. While they've gotten on well enough since Verg put his foot down it's becoming clearer as time goes on that real bonds are forming. Ishmael was certainly straining those bonds but its a testament to them that they grew stronger after she found peace. I was pleasantly surprised she and Outis found a dynamic as fellow seawomen leading to mutual respect, not to mention what's going on between Heath and Ish (I have never shipped anything harder in my life). And then there's the individual relationships to Dante. Dante and Ish have gotten over the hump, and while she says that if they ever go in the wrong direction "she'll drop a skiff and depart" I feel like Ish is invested in Dante as a friend and will be there for them no matter what, including steering them back on the right course.

We saw it in S.E.A., but it's dawning on me that we get to experience characters post arc and that there are consequences to that. It didn't feel that way as strongly with Canto 1 - 3 because Gregor and Rodya are thoroughly still cooking on their issues and Sinclair feels like he's started his arc to becoming more confident and capable (the part where he actually threatens that guy is just chef's kiss). But we saw a Yi Sang who's actively trying to preserve his new friend group and find the bright side of things. Now we'll have a collected Ishmael who can keep it together and is firmly on Dante's side, which will be amazing come the Heartbreaking if the Heathmael dream is real.

Rapid fire thoughts in no particular order:

Ahab VA is perfect casting, her character is phenomenal, and I can't wait to see how she'll do on Hermann's team. PM is carrying the torch of insane old ladies.

I'm increasingly certain that the plot of Limbus will be ultimately about the multiverse (IN A GOOD WAY) and the goals of the villains and other groups deals with mirror worlds in some way.

I'm thinking about the other 3 Calamities of the Lake, Whales that attack without rhyme or reason. I have to imagine them as other great beasts of literature, so one surely is the Crocodile from Peter Pan. Possibly another is the Dogfish from Pinocchio (adapted as Monstro in the Disney version). Then I don't know, the Giant Squid from 20'000 Leagues Under the Sea (or maybe the "Narwhal" itself)? There's many possibilities.

I enjoy the Middle as a faction, they fit in with the deeply absurdist nature of the City and feel distinct from the other Fingers we know about. Makes me wonder what the actual fuck the Pinky's deal is if they're the worst Finger (iirc).

Love the feeling of Faust and Verg as outsiders Red Fraud Alert there's no way it doesn't come to a head at some point where Vergilius and the group are fundamentally at odds but the group is strong enough that threats won't cut it.

Compass is fire. Love that we're seeing different fan remixes combining the vocal and instrumentals in interesting ways, though I worry for the official version. Fly, Broken Wings doesn't work as well when it just goes through the whole thing without repeating the Broken Wings part, I much prefer an edit that matches the in game version more. I hope Mili sees what people are doing and gives us the heartbeat.

Praying to god we get a Stubb or Pip Outis ID with Pequod Captain Ishmael, but that will likely be end of season. I predict Ish ID to be a powerful SP support ID and will likely be as meta as Nclair (which is cool but also kinda unfortunate narratively, there are some downsides to the Gacha format).

Sentences like "Ishmael totally tops Heathcliff, that guy would turn into a puppy dog at the slightest hint of affection" are insane things I believe wholeheartedly and I love every time a literature person stumbles upon it and has to wrestle with this surprisingly valid crackship not knowing its origin.

All for now but I'm sure I'll think of something else later, can't wait for the Christmas Event (which will likely drop after Christmas but c'est la vie).

[andrea-lyn]

thank you @smilebackwards for the tag in this one, bc I always love a ramble

1. How many works do you have on Ao3? 474, with a lot of them being imported from the LiveJournal days (...and worse, a LOT that never made it because I don't want them under my current pseud).

2. What's your total Ao3 word count? 3,447,393. I'm a wordy bitch when I want to be. I was just saying that I've somehow gotten into this habit of thinking every fic I write has to be a minimum of 8k, even though my next fic that will go live will prob be 5kish (...and then something that will prob be around 12k).

3. What fandoms do you write for? Right now, Ted Lasso, Zukka, Raven Cycle (though I'm out of ideas, but may grab one of my miscellaneous for that), Old Guard, Roswell New Mexico (I'm coming back, bitches).

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos? ready for my close up, mr. dameron (poe/finn) how to fall in love with a fairytale (poe/finn) what a tale my thoughts could tell (joe/nicky) Your Hand In Mine (poe/finn) hallelujah, you're still mine (joe/nicky) (very sad my highest kudos'ed steve/danny h50 one was top 7 and not top 5)

5. Do you respond to comments? Always. No matter what. It's a habit I got into and there's a bit of social anxiety I have around it, but I will always do it.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? Probably The Time Traveling Pilot (Poe/Finn), which has some lovely bookmarks like, Fuck I'm crying, im absolutley fucking sobbing and my fave, I'll never be brave enough to read this fic again, but I'm so glad I read it once. And honestly? Fair. I sobbed a lot writing it.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? Basically, 90% of my stuff? My habit tends to be super happy/fluffy stuff and then 10% of my stuff is meant to be angst that will destroy you (...there's a Zukka coming up that will reinforce that pattern)

8. Do you get hate on fics? I started to get a lot of it on Roswell fics for some really unfortunate reasons, and it actually pushed me to make my RNM fics AO3 users only :/

9. Do you write smut? Rarely these days, but only because the story doesn't feel like it needs it. I'll still write smut scenes if it feels right, but I've been living in more rom-com territory lately.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you have written? I don't do it as often, but I've done a couple! I did a Leverage x Hustle one, a Star Trek x Dead Like Me, and two whole stories for House MD x Doctor Who. I do it less often these days, but more because the ideas aren't there.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? Not that I know of? So, maybe? I haven't seen it though!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? I've been super lucky to have a bunch of my fics translated!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? YES, and it's my FAVE THING, okay. Cowriters, come at me, I love it. I want more of it.

14. What's your all time favorite ship? My preferences are fleeting like the wind and my faves come and go and then resolidify, but I will say, lately it's starting to seem like Pynch might be the steadiest 'ship I've had in a while.

15. What is a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? ...at this point, the Joe/Nicky Outlander Time Traveller's Old Guard, if only because it's a beast of a thing.

16. What are your writing strengths? I really like threading in the little bits of canon and getting as close to the voice and tone as possible. I'd say I've been most successful in some of my Ted Lasso stuff, but I like to be a mimic.

17. What are your writing weaknesses? Prose. I'm not great at setting the scene and often my world-building is more characters and relationships than settings or scenarios. I've kind of let that atrophy over the years too.

18. Thoughts of writing dialogue in another language in fics? I used to do this a lot, if only because I speak enough French & Italian to get by, but in recent years, I've started just writing the phrase in English, italicizing, and indicating in the narrative that they're speaking another language, if only to get away from the footnotes or hovering.

19. First fandom you wrote for? Charmed, I think? Piper/Leo was def baby's first OTP.

20. Favorite fic you have written? I usually say Love Like The Sea (my Webgott), but today I'm going with Baby, I'm Howling For You, my Steve/Danny supernatural fic (and series) because it has the best worldbuilding I think I've ever done and I really enjoy the rules I set around that 'verse.

Tagging @earnmysong, @el-gilliath, @hazel-athena, and anyone else who wants to ramble!

[jasminehahn]

No more mind games? No more mind.

I'm in a bad place. It's lasted a few months now. Physically it's been just over two years. It's gotten to the place that no matter what I do, it feels like I'll never be back into my own body and quite honestly that makes me not want to live sometimes. On the days that I can forget about it and feel normal for maybe a few hours (generally at home where I do not have to see anyone or do much), the impending doom of life decisions then consumes me. I'm nearly 33, if I want to have children, how on earth am I supposed to give them all the love and attention they need to have a better, more stable childhood than I did if I cannot be physically well every day.

I can't lose weight anymore without surgery, if I want to have a week (say for the holidays) where I don't track what I eat, I gain fat and I'm certain lipodema fat almost straight away. My strength doesn't improve, people think if I run, my symptoms get worse, I walk on average 10k steps a day, I work out all the time, yet if you looked at my normal blood results, I'm healthy. I'm healthy. No had to dig two years for a Lupus diagonsis, I don't have a lipodema diagnosis but it's there, something's not right with my periods but "lol that's just your period," - actual private gynaecologist (everyone says male dr's are unsympathetic, but in my experience it's the women who have never done shit for me.)

I'm somewhat privileged to have money for surgery, but that doesn't fix the face I'm looking at, which was fine 5 years ago. I've had two surgeries this year and I still feel like I'm wearing a fat suit, my skin on my legs and my arms feel like theyre going to rip. Now the fat has moved around my stomach, no definition that I had even a year and a half ago, no answers, just more pain, more heaviness, more clothes that I bought that don't fit. I'm not obese, I can't get ozempic, even though I should be managing any behaviour that makes me eat a treat every now and then and I'm hungry all the fucking time, so that will make the lipodema come back. There are so many "maybes" but not enough people that are willing to give you stuff to try, the only thing you can get is surgery, 7k a pop basically.

So now I'm a burden to money. I'm a burden, no you're not, but I am. I'm tied to it.

Who would've thought the mental stuff was going to be the easiest part, the ADHD, the autism, the emptiness that's come back, the Bi polar diagnosis that has thrown me into despair- or maybe it's the change of meds we never fucking know with these things. The never belonging how hard I try to fix things- now I'm rambling. No one fucking cares. They listen but they don't CARE, they don't listen, they try to help- THERE IS NO HELP. It's unsolicited. It's bullshit. It doesn't HELP. How do I try and keep going when there's an obstacle at every fucking turn, no respite, no release. 

Friends don't reply, they don't get how close I am. Other friends I don't tell because I can't bear the awkwardness and I fear the judgement even though it's a safe space. Cue the strangers to tell me that they're sorry and they're here to talk, bitch I just DID. Don't you get it. Doesn't anyone get it.

One of my favourite lines is "no more mind games? No more mind."

[thedragonagelesbian]

For the OTP asks: 5, 13, 22, and 26 for Cyrus and Wyll

yaaaaaaaaaaay

5. What activities do they enjoy together?

Cyrus socializes like a cat, so he's happiest just being nearby for whatever activity Wyll wants to do-- snuggling while Wyll reads or listening him play his flute (or his cello once they're moved in to their estate post-game). Wyll similarly insists that his greatest creative inspiration comes when he's with Cyrus and loves to compose in Cyrus' garden, drafting sonnets and serenades while Cyrus is tending to his plants.

As for things they really do together, they love planning outings into the woods around Baldur's Gate. Romantic picnics, hunting, foraging, birding, just getting away from the bustle of the city

13. Name something they would never do for the other person. 

Cyrus for Wyll: I think Cyrus outright refuses to do the Champion/Ansur/whoops bitter gay exes quest. Not even in a reluctant 'I'll tag along to make sure you stay safe' thing, drags his heels to the very edge of the chambers of trials and is straight up like 'we shouldn't do this. I don't care how helpful the dragon will be we should Not Fucking Do This please don't do this i don't want to lose you to some impossible bullshit test you're already enough please don't make me watch you do this'

Of course there's no vindication in being right.

Wyll for Cyrus: Hmmmm Wyll is so accommodating it's hard to think of what he'd refuse… Of course there is the classic "you don't have to be the Blade of Frontiers" for me early on. No matter how many times Cyrus tells him that he doesn't have to perform for him, it's so hard to let go of a technique that has allowed you to cope with & make the best of such horrendous circumstances

22. If their lives were what was originally intended at birth, would they have still fallen in love?

Oh boy the 'at birth' specification is interesting, I've never really thought about what this version of Malcolm and Leandra had planned for him… He grew up on the road because Malcom was being hunted by his archfey patron who ends up killing him when Cyrus is very young (tho I have some. Extremely vague ideas about a post-game adventure involving Malcolm actually still being alive & Cyrus & his LI needing to save him). Presuming Malcolm doesn't die and is thus still around when Leandra passes from her illness, I could see him raising Cyrus as a much more well-adjusted rangers, mayhaps even of the fey wanderer variety as they work to free Malcolm from his patron

(…..i dont know how i've gotten this far without realizing before that the first loss in cyrus' life was to a vengeful warlock patron but it sure. Uh. Adds some Something to this dynamic…)

Wyll more obviously grows into a young lordling, but even without Mizora, I think he goes through life about 5 terribly repressed seconds from a nervous breakdown having grown up knowing absolutely nothing but his father's rigid expectations

And while I can't think of any self-evident way for their paths to cross, the notion of Wyll meeting a more fey version of Cyrus who whisks him away from the pressures of noble life for a whirlwind adventure straight out of the fantasies and fairytales Wyll grew up reading and dreaming about but had given up experiencing himself… well i think it FUCKS immensely

26. What are their favorite parts about physical affection/sex?

For both of them, the best part about physical affection is feeling safe. It's so new for them, but being able to melt into each other's arms and let all of their past disappear into the sound of the other's breathing and pulse is just one of their favorite things about being together, period.

For Cyrus, his relationship to sex is different than other iterations of the character because of his history with Meredith. Generally, Cyrus has two somewhat contradictory things he wants out of sex: to please his partner as much as possible, and to know himself and his body in relation to them. Contradictory because that first desire always trumps the second one and can even foreclose it entirely, depending on the partner, or make him vulnerable to someone who wants to control his sense of self.

Whereas ranger!Cyrus is pretty adamant about not relying on anyone else for that external validation/appraisal/identification. That just leaves "trying to give Wyll a religious experience every time," and that is something Cyrus adores immensely. (And his favorite part of /that/ is any indication of incoherency-- babbling and whining and stammering. Any sign that Wyll is trying sooo hard to be the calm & collected Blade and failing miserably turns Cyrus on a Lot; he refers to it playfully as 'making Wyll sing')

And as hard as it is, Wyll enjoys being made to let go and get out of his head and into his body and being taken care of and treated with a level of slow, gentle tenderness that is almost too much to bear (but he does and Cyrus praises him throughout to tell him he's doing a very good job bearing it)

[thesinglesjukebox]

MEGAN THEE STALLION - "HISS"

We have now arrived at our last song of the month. We will not be covering any other songs this month. See you in March!

[7.73]

Wayne Weizhen Zhang: As a lifelong Barb, it saddens me to see Nicki enter a paranoid, truly despicable frenzy. The only upside? We get songs like this.  [9]

Anna Suiter: Megan might have created a brand new season! [9]

Nortey Dowuona: Megan said one line and ended Nicki's career in one fell swoop, rendered Cardi B irrelevant for another year, and notched another hit. I expect you all to be at the next tour. And be there early! [10]

Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: It's a category error to think of this as a diss track – it's more a supernova-level airing of grievances, as comprehensive of a litany of disdain as I've heard in rap. It loses something in listenability as it goes on -- Lil Ju & Bankroll's beat feeling a little like an endurance test as it grinds you down -- but maintains its fundamental appeal no matter how many times you loop it. Megan's charisma, both as an instrument of inward love and outward spite, shines true. [7]

Will Adams: It's not a tour de force, it's a tour de ferocious: Megan's near non-stop onslaught is a marvel to listen to, no matter the beat's plainness or the mid-point spoken word bit that trips up the momentum. [7]

Thomas Inskeep: Is any rapper right now better than Megan when she's on one? Based on "HISS," maybe not. Also, she doesn't get the credit she deserves for her little vocal tics, her "ah!"s and "ha!"s, which are nearly as good as Michael Jackson's. [7]

Ian Mathers: Delightful throughout, but I must admit I giggle like a small child every time I get to "when I'm in the gym I think about bitches that I'm shitting on." [8]

Joshua Minsoo Kim: The energy is undeniable, but the moment when the beat drops and she talks only dampens the mood. Ultimately, this isn't a song I care for, but I appreciate that it makes me want to root for her. [5]

Katherine St. Asaph: The fury and virtuosity are both undeniable, even if I'm not really sure whether I like this or just support it. [7]

Leah Isobel: It is very satisfying to hear Megan in firebreather mode, especially since it's so well-deserved; she's gotten a raw fucking deal over the past couple of years, and if anyone has the right to let off some steam by shit-talking everyone else, it's her. She has the technical ability and linguistic smarts to back up her aggression, too. But as satisfying as it is to see her skill and subtlety send one of her adversaries into a week-long tailspin, there's also something a little disheartening about the spectacle. "Cobra" pushed at the edges of her art, trying to articulate her real struggles within the frame of her party-starter persona, and did an admirable job of inverting her usual performance of sexuality and strength into vulnerability and entrapment. By contrast, "HISS" feels boxed in, not just by the constraints of her public image but by the constraints that the perception of her public image places on her actual selfhood. When she raps, "Say he fucked Megan, and now he the topic / These n***** thinking they lowered the value / All this free promo, I'm turning a profit," the video shows her nude with her hands tied behind her back: her body, constricted, defenseless, and presumed to be available just because it is visible. That's the real anger that animates "HISS": anger that her humanity is not and will never be enough, because of what other people think about her body. But people don't want to hear that, so instead, we get beef. Yum. [7]

Taylor Alatorre: "Um. Miss... Thee Stallion, ma'am? I'm... not entirely sure if you have a full and accurate understanding of all the processes that factor into the monetization of social media clicks and page views, as well as certain other key elements of the modern attention economy. If you would like to register for my quick-and-easy 6-week course, you could soon be earning a-- oh. I see. My bad. I-- I'll just be going, then." [9]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox ]

[carolperkinsexgirlfriend]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

tagged by @devondespresso <3

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

twenty-two!

2. What is your total AO3 word count?

161,121

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Lately, it's been stranger things, but I've published fanfic for The Magicians, The Untamed, Sweet Home, Alice in Borderland, Naruto, The Penumbra Podcast, and I Am In Eskew.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

the path to peace (is paved with good intentions)

Hearth-Warmed Chakra

rinsed vision and second chances

Secrets Never Meant to Be Kept

I could say grace was a woman with time on her hands

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Usually!!! Sometimes, I'll get behind by not responding for like a year though, and then I'll be like.......it's been too long.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

I don't necessarily do angsty endings, but probably "a matter of going through" because it ends with heavily implied reconciliation that doesn't quite get actualized.

7. What the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I ALSO don't tend to do like, cookie-cutter happy endings. Usually I go for the, everything's still hard but we'll get through it together, endings. But probably, the path to peace (is paved with good intentions).

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I got that one weird anon I mentioned for the Upside-Down AU, and then I got one person on one of my fics where a pizza delivery driver falls in love with a customer telling me that it was problematic because the driver has no agency. And I was like, lol this is fanfiction and I AM a delivery driver.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I've written exactly ONE unpublished smut fic for Alice Quinn from The Magicians in which her evil counterpart came through the mirror and they fucked about it. I'm thinking of doing a one-shot smut fic for the Upside-Down AU though.

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

Closest I've gotten is me and a friend plotting out the unholy union of I Am In Eskew and The Penumbra Podcast (Juno Steel).

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Thankfully, nope!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yeah, my most popular Naruto fanfic was translated to Russian!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nope! I've never gotten past the fucked up world-building stage with friends. Could be fun though.

14. What's your all time favorite ship?

As an aromantic person, the platonic ships are usually more important to me. First ones that come to mind are platonic stobin, and from the Untamed, Jiang Cheng & Wei Wuxian who are brothers. Honestly, I usually get sucked into romantic pairings because I'm like, wow, sure would love to see these two interract more! And then all the fanfic is romantic, so that's what I read!!!

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Definitely my one where Jiang Cheng from The Untamed sees ghosts. If you've watched that show, you understand how this would be both hilarious and deeply fucked up.

16. What are your writing stregths?

I think I'm pretty good at little moments. Like when everyone is having a meal together etc, small, contained scenes.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Getting from point A to point B, like, how do I skip through time without if seeming weird????? So, joining sentences?

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I've never done it, but I think it can serve its purpose. Unless you speak the language though, I think it can veer into offensive and clunky unless you get a translator.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

The Magicians, which broke my soul enough that I wrote a crack fic about it.

20. Favorite fic you've written?

My favorite is always my current obsession, so Upside-Down AU lol, but from what's published, it's definitely two million naturally occuring sweet things which is just a tretius on grief masquerading as a soup recipe.

tagging: @wynnyfryd @rogueddie @steddierthings @altschmerzes if any of you want to do it!

[flatstarcarcosa]

crawling in via your window for numbers 4 and 5 with Slade 👀

4) No couple is going to agree 100% of the time. What is the main source of any disagreement between you? Is it the same topic for all parties, or do you have different sticking points? Has this ever caused a row?

OUGH okay so i've mentioned before 'reese and lester yelling is a love language' versus 'reese and slade yelling means something is very wrong' because slade's not naturally a yeller Like That.

so that being said, one of the nastiest fights we've ever gotten into was actually about joey. (an aside for context: i follow the rebirth story as a main timeline because it's just easier, but largely pick and choose/blend what things have happened prior to us meeting)

i have a whole post about it somewhere but basically it comes from months and months of me trying to discuss with him that like hey. you're aware your son is a massive junkie right?

like i love the kid but he's Not Doing Fucking Good and the shit that he's into with painkillers and benzos isn't gonna end well. body hopping does nothing against acute organ failure because you made a Death Cocktail by accident.

and slade doesn't want to hear it he doesn't want to discuss it, frankly he's refusing to even accept it. he figures "joe's an adult and i'm not going to tell him what he can and can't do, besides he wouldn't listen to me anyway" and i'm like hmmmm no i can promise you no matter the bullshit that's gone on he desperately would want you to fucking help him.

and i'm like, "are you forgetting or just ignoring that i also know what i'm fucking talking about when it comes to addicts like the "child of addict" to "addict" pipeline is very well traveled in my household"

and he just kinda fucking snaps. and it gets. nastier from there until there's enough back and forth that it's the one and only time in our relationship where he is genuinely so fucking mad he has the gut reflex to want to hit me.

he doesn't, and i can't stress that enough, and never has outside of our mutual playfighting or genuine training.

but it's just. it's enough that he took half a step to fucking do it that it shocks him cold.

because he's spent a lot of time and years and effort into telling himself he's NOT his father and wouldn't BE his father and now at the end of it all he's having. to accept the fact that like.

maybe he's a little bit of his own father.

5) Your FO has upset you (perhaps because of the above) and now wants to make amends. How do they do it? And has this changed over time as they’ve gotten to know you better?

barring the above singular big ass fight there's times where his method of showing he cares backfires. sometimes it really feels less like caring out of love and more like lecturing for the sake of lecturing and sometimes he's bad at parsing if i'm whining about it for The Bit or if i'm genuinely bothered until i'm Genuinely Fucking Upset about it.

also, the hilarious-in-hindsight plan he concocted to try to get me over my money trauma by just letting me go shop and pick out things on impulse but then i started hemming and hawing and second guessing and it just ended up with me sobbing in the middle of target.

it's funny in hindsight but at the time it happened because of too many things causing me to get overstimulated and my brain to shut down and me getting upset and loudly announcing that this wasn't fun anymore because "I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE RIGHT FUCKING ANSWER IS AND I WANT TO GO HOME"

which prompted him to realize he took it too far, and a very soft "oh, honey-"

[ghoulxbaekhyun]

I have a new header now :D and I think these few new dedicated days will mark the beginning of more positivity in this community 🖤

𝓢𝓮𝓷𝓽𝓲𝓶𝓮𝓷𝓽𝓪𝓵 𝓢𝓪𝓽𝓾𝓻𝓭𝓪𝔂: @incubuswooyoung

𝓢𝓾𝓹𝓹𝓸𝓻𝓽 𝓢𝓪𝓽𝓾𝓻𝓭𝓪𝔂: @pianist-jihyo @biker-minghao

1. @yourmom-jieun

Ji-chan, I can't stress enough just how much you mean to me. You've always been the heaviest rock in my life, you've helped me through so much and you've always been there for me. My dearest little sister, you're such a strong person. The amount of pain you've gone through was unbelievable, yet you still held on for the sake and happiness of your children and your friends.

You helped and cared for many of us, but I don't think you've ever had equal amounts of love for yourself. I know today will be the day of your departure and I am saddened by that. But if it means you'll be happier, you'll be healthier, you'll be better, then go for it.

Just because the person is gone doesn't mean the memories will be too. I'll always remember you. And you know exactly where to find me 🖤

2. @/spy-jaehyunx ° @time-for-confession

To dearest Admin Kai, I can't thank you enough for always looking out for me. Yoonoh was my first everything. My first kiss, my first crush and my first love. I hope you know that even if you're gone, I'll always remember you.

Just as I've remembered my fallen comrades, my past friends, I'll definitely remember you. Thank you for giving me the love and affection, for the late night talks, that time you said you'd deal with my angsty ass.

Thank you. For being there for me, both you and admin. I'll be here for you anytime, Kai. Don't forget to take care of yourself, yeah? 🖤

3. @m00n-purplerose-chatbot

This is directed to both admin Moon and the boys. To the wonderful, legend of a person Admin Moon! I respect you and your writing skills very very much. You never fail to touch my heart, wether it be a depressing angst scene or an action-packed fight scene or a soft heartfelt scene. You manage to hit me with so many different emotions that I didn't know we're possible. I've known you and the rest for quite some time now, and I'll have you know you're one of my closest friends here.

To the boys, (yes I'm giving them all a paragraph)

Jeonghannie, I hope you keep on staying strong. You've been through a lot, dearest leader. You've suffered plenty and you've seen way too much heartache for the average person. Although it gets tough, I know your past shaped you into the person you are today. And I couldn't be any prouder.

Shuashua, I haven't gotten to know you well enough to say too much, but I want you to know that you still have my support and affection. Take care of Jeonghan like you always do, you both are made for each other. Try not to stress out because of the kids, I know how frustrated and helpless you can feel from their ruthlessness hhh-

Hao, you're the definition of that one best friend that loves exposing and teasing the shit out of you but cares and loves you just as much as they do their bullying. I haven't gotten close to you, just like Shua either, but I'll have you know I'm here for you too. Stay the way you are, sunshine. You've never failed at making me and other people smile.

Wonnie and the gang, you're a tol bean. You're seriously one of the squishiest people ever you know that? I'm glad that you're also staying strong despite the past that you probably have. I haven't gotten to know you better as well, but I'm looking forward to learning more and more about you all! Hope you forgive Seokmin for the argument too :')

Jihoonie, I know we don't really talk, and by don't really talk I mean we barely talk at all. You're the logical person in the team and you do your job very well. You're reserved and cold and mysterious. But I know you're more than that stone face. I'm looking forward to learning more about you too, so take care yeah?

Junnie, we may not talk a lot but I want you to know that I care for you too okay? It may just be a few skirt pics that are simply unforgettable but I want you to know that I'll be your hyung just as much as I'll be a hyung to the others. You and Wonwoo are freaking adorable, so stay cute together okay?

Mingyuuuu, I remember the longest conversation we had was because of the engagement ring mishap kshsjsjsk. You got your ass whooped, and I was worried tbh- but you've probably been through a lot already. I want you to know I'm here for you too okay? So keep staying strong!

Last but not least, dearest Seokminnie. Oh, where do I start with you? I can vaguely recall the first ever interaction we both had, when you and Hao pointed out the fact that yes, I do eat humans. Cannibalism never striked me as a way to start a friendship but hey, it worked~

Over the course of a few weeks we've only gotten closer and closer. I can't help but be protective of you, and just feel like keeping you in my pocket most of the time. I know your past, and you know mine. It may not be alterable but let's keep staying strong together okay?

I know your secrets too, and after what went on in private i think it's time for me to be honest and come clean. I think I'm starting to fall for you too, Seokmin. I've never felt something like this with anyone else before but I like you too.

I won't pressure you into choosing me, it won't be fair for you to face such pressuring. But I want you to know that it's mutual. Even if you're too good for me. But thank you, okay?

Thank you for always staying by my side. 🖤

4. @vampiresanha

Sanha and Aleister, thank you for caring for me. Thank you for all the fun times and showing me how to live life. Thank you for calling me out on my boringness and swooping me away to that cliff. You two are such amazingly people that deserve way more friends and love.

I'll always be ready to donate my blood whenever Sanha needs it, you'll always be my favourite vampire. Aleister will always be my favourite dragon. You two will always be my favourite person with two souls.

Thank you for being here for me, you both. I'll let you know that I'll do the same. 🖤

5. @moonlightchn

Admin, I can't express just how much love I want to shower you in ;-; you're such an amazing person, and i want to thank you for all the affection and care you've given me. I wouldn't mind staying up late to talk to you through asks again, twas fun~

To Channie Chan and Chris, you three are the most chaotic pack of wolves I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. Channie you fucking cutie, stay soft and stay loveable okay? You're the sweetest fluff ball ever, I can't handle the uwus you shower me with >-<

Chan, the big scary alpha that I let the chance to dom slip away dumbly, you're a really great person. Taking care of your pack while being so nice to others. I'm here for you anytime yeah?

Finally, the one that I must've wounded. Chris, I'd like to start it off with an apology. I'm sorry that i hurt you after answering about who my favourites were, I really didn't mean to. You're on rut now and I know you'll be all passive aggressive and as long as you are I'm never replying to our DMs but even so. I want you to know just how much I care for you. Because i do.

No matter how much we trash talk each other and no matter how much angst we end up accumulating, I'll still care for you. All three of you.

And that's a promise I'm willing to keep. 🖤

Now, I'm sure there's more people that I need to talk about, more people that have been there for me and helped me through various different things. But for now, I'll end it here. Admin's fingers are starting to hurt from typing all of this at once, but we both have no regrets because these are all the things that we've always wanted to say.

Call it appreciation if you may.

I think I'll do my Support Saturday in a different post, so for now, that's all for Sentimental Saturday.

Thank you, to everyone. Thank you for being here🖤

EXO 🖤: @werewolf-sehun @werewolfkai @j-0ngdae @serialkillerkris @softdomtao @y-ix1ng @captain-kyungsoo @college-baekhyun @serialkillerkris

🖤: @ghoulxjeongyeon @vampiresanha @barista-san @bunjihyo @dalsooobeanie @madmanwoodam @m00n-purplerose-chatbot @your-jaemin @moonlightchn @mafiabossxjunmyeon @xash-axx @time-for-confession @yourmom-jieun (🥺) @vamp-jjk @yourchaechae @kpop-shelter

[rage-against-the-meyer]

Breaking Dawn (2008)

So, I've reviewed the other Twilight Saga books already, but I promiss you, this is gonna be the worst one yet. I must admit, as a 13-year-old girl this was my favorite book (don't kill me yet). I was growing up in a Dutch small Christian town that had had a big infuence on my views. In my mind, it was perfectly logical that the story ends with a child against all odd. As a grown-up Biomedical scientist, this does not go anymore. As such, I now view Breaking Dawm as the absolute worst one yet and here, I will tell you exactly why.

Breaking Dawn is a big fat book that consists of three different books. I will discuss the books seperately in fear that it might be too much otherwise.

Part I from Bella's point of view

It's no surprise that I actually do like this book. We get 6 chapters of sheer happiness and joy. Very much Edward/Bella intimacy and they finally have sex (woohoo). So what can I bitch about?

Well, actually not too much. I loved the wedding, the secret goodbyes (yes, I cried). I just believe that after the first 6 chapters Bella should have struggled with the decission to change instead of the pregnancy. Yes, Chapter 7 is the cursed chapter for me. It's the onset of all pending misery. Also, it is the first time that menstruations are mentioned and the weak excuse SM gave to explain the never-having-killed-her-due-to-smelling-period-blood on Edwards part is just that, weak. So, all-in-all, I hated this chapter but what comes after is exceedingly worse.

Part II from Jacob's point of view

I hate Jacob. That much hasn't changed. I hated the cold Jacob that is so prominent here very very much. Personal sun my ass. I have always loathed this POV but it offers us some interesting views on the wolves and the Quileute people. It was good to see the communication between the wolves, but it was also nonsense. The big difference between you can't hide what you think and thinking in directed full sentences became a blurry line that never really made sense to me. What was good about it, is that we saw how pure Seth's mind is and how deeply hurt and actually good Leah is. Seth, a mere teenager, is objectively one of the purest characters I have ever read and that's on that. The faint influence of the coming Gen Z was shimmering through in his defiance of made boundaries in communication: Seth saw the good in the Cullens and defied his tribes prejudice. Good for him. Leah, of course, is one of the most denied characters in the series. Such a fierce young woman that has suffered so much is the only character that does not get redemption. It is absolutely outrageous and I agree with many that it shows SMs prejudice against women of colour. She gets literally nothing. She stands on her own in a group of men that mock her for her guard as she has to suffer through knowing her ex's love for his new love. Then, of course, she cannot have children and she gets no love interests. To through all these (in SMs mind) limitations only at one of the few POC is not great. I do like the fact that Leah and Jacob become closer and that Leah cares most for Seth. It's not enough, though. Leah should have gotten the trip to go to college somewhere far away, paid for by the Cullens out of sheer gratitude. She should have everything and all but through Bella's (read: SMs) mind she is still depicted as sad, lonely and bitter. To show a woman's anger like that is straight up misogynistic. Great start.

Jacob's story skips so many valuable parts of Bella's story, which we have been focussing on until now, and it makes so little sense that Jacob would be there for all the important interactions.

In Jacob's part, some shocking facts become clear. As a biomedical scientist, I have been holding back the outrageousness of this one: the chromosomes.

Vampires are frozen in time; after the change, their bodies don't change anymore. They also don't grow new or longer hairs, new teeth, anything. They are frozen in time. Curiously, they still have a need to feed (blood) and their consumption influences four things: their thirst, the colour of their eyes, their strength and their behaviour. I will tell you why this makes absolutely no sense. In humans, we feed for much the same reasons: we don't get hungry, we stay alive, become stronger and we are nicer when we aren'r hungry. This influence is exerted by the distribution of food molecules throughout the body; to the brain, to the muscles, the organs, you name it. Vampires don't have blood, their distribution of food molecules would be so slow that it would take days if not weeks for the molecules to get to the eyes or the brain. We know vampires aren't mushy inside to increase the distribution so how does it work? It eludes me, I'll tell you. Also, every part of the vampire body is supposed to be solid. Where does the liqud from the blood go? A human averagely holds 5 litres of blood. That is a lot. And since the body doesn't change, where does the liquid go? Aside from the distribution, it makes even less sense that any of these factors should be influenced by anything at all. It is likely that vampires still have cells, their bodies still need to create impulses, movements, talk etc. But their bodies don't changes anymore, so after the change the cells stop producing hair molecules? Why don't the hairs drop anymore? It is so dumb that SM suggested a certain balance between the actiond that continue and actions that don't. We still move the muscles but they can't grow anymore but the cells in the muscle stay active?? This brings me to the chromosomes.

So, Carlisle has tested human, vampire and werewolf (without consent) blood. He found that vampires have 25 chromosome pairs, werewolves 24 and humans 23 chromosome pairs. His findings and his tone suggest that he attributes all the vampire qualities to the 2 extra chromosomes. Now, with everything that I have just explained, I see no possiblity behind that. The venom of a vampire just adds two pairs of chromosomes to your cells? One from your mother and one from your dad? And then, these chromosomes are able to pinpoint exactly with genes to silence and which to activate and that is enough to make your skin hard as granite? No way. The body makes strong pieces, but still the strongest is the teeth. Strong but not as strong as SM thinks.

All-in-all this science is straight up the biggest fucking bullshit I have ever seen. There is just no logic behind the logic SM gave. It doesn't stop here, though. No. I am 100% convinced that SM has not had any sex talk ever in her life. She started with Edward's 100-year-old sperm being vital enough to produce a baby. This sperm is saved at approxomately the temperature of a rock/as cold as ice. This is far far far too high a temperature to preserve sperm cells for long, let alone a 100 years. So, No. No, again. Then, Edward's dick is magically able to get hard without any liquids in the body? No. And THEN, his human sperm cells (human but also vampire?) are able to make a zygote with Bella's egg cell??? A zygote with 24 (!!!) chromosome pairs???? So, it's one of each of Bella's, one of each of Edward's and then just one of the two vampire pairs?????? No. Nah-ah.

I haven't been this vocal about any of my other issues, including racism and other forms of discrimination. Somehow, I have accepted that these concepts come from very well-preserved ideas and I can plainly discuss this matter. However, the pain Stephenie Meyer has put me through as a scientist is still very unknown to me and it annoys me to the core.

I suppose, while I'm on the matter, I should address the elephant in the room. Resumé. Renesue is the embodiment of everything Bella didn't need. The book should have ended before the pregnancy. A story of a woman that found a love in a vampire and she needed nothing else in her life but him. This was the story we were promissed. And then, SM takes her turn to make the last non-conservative woman in the book a mother (her being a mother will come later).

In conclusion, this part stretched every nerve in my body and made me cringe so hard I felt sick.

Part III from Bella's point of view

I'm not gonna lie, I have been pretty dark about the last part. But I LOVE Bella as a vampire. The tranquil chapters where she learns everything about being a vampire made me confident I wanted to be one. I loved Bella more confident and comfortable. I loved the new ease between Bella and Edward. Tranquil, as I said.

Of course, these chapters are overshadowed in part by Rususme. I don't mind the child. It seems nice enough - SM made it pure. But Bella is not a very caring mother. She meets her daugther and then, both Edward and her really don't mind her. They have no urge to be with her and have no trouble letting her go. They go have sex the whole night instead of looking at Relsume's dreams. Then, there is the fact that all tense and loaden discussions are held in the presence of the exceptionally perceiving child. Edward can SEE that she understands tensions. It's so fucking dumb. It really bothered me the last time I read it, maybe because I've matured or maybe because I didn't really care the first time.

When it comes to the final battle approaching, I enjoyed that. I loved Alice's plan. I like the Volturi and their grand dramatic scheming and such. I loved the new characters very much. I think they added a whole new demension to the story. I would have been there for Edward and Bella traveling around the world meeting these people with the oncoming thread of genocide for a child as well though. Of course, the racism is back. The Amazonian and Egyptian vampires are so blatantly racistly described. In that aspect, the movie deserves way more credit for giving us the straight up prettiest actors ever to cover this.

Wrongness continues as Jacob imprints (as the second wolf) in an infant. I know some people see no issue with this. SM tried to make it clear that it was just about her happiness by letting Edward see that Jacob wasn't thinking sexually about his equivalent-of-a-three-year-old child. I mean. Looking at this logically, it's disgusting and there is no changing my mind. Personally, I feel Jacob could have imprinted on any other female character (with the exception of Leah). For all I care it was a 35-year-old woman. But, reversed pedophilia (Jacob was still underage) isn't fun for SM so she sticks with what she knows.

I think I have adressed my most important issues. Please inform me if I've missed any. As usual, I urge you to inform yourself on the Quileut Tribe as it is and donate to them for SM has wronged and exploited them.

The Quileute Tribe

Information:

Donation:

TLDR: I curse Stephenie Meyer for creating that incredibly stupid child as a way to project Jacob's love to something of Bella. Please inform yourself on the Quileute Tribe and donate to them via the links above; SM has wronged them.

As a final note, I am a biomedical scientist at heart. I am always interested in a challenging topic, so fire away.

[oumakokichi]

I've seen your ranking, and I wonder why you like Juzo so much ? I can't help but think his redemption doesn't outweight his previous actions. He helped stopping the killing game but that was him fixing something he did and saving someone he cared about, which isn't selflessness. He assaulted people for reasons that were petty or unjustified, so it felt really forced when he saved Naegi. Also, he let Junko end the world because he didn't want Munakata to know he was gay ? Please enlighten me.

Personally, I like Juzo becausehe’s not supposed to be a selfless or a sweet or softhearted character. If Juzohad stopped the killing game for any of those kinds of reasons, or if dr3 hadsuddenly tried to play Juzo off as a character who was entirely selfless foreveryone’s sake, I’d have been incredibly disappointed. But as it is, Juzo’scharacter development was one of the few things dr3 managed to do right.

Juzo scores #3 on my personalcharacter ranking because he’s an incredibly well-written and flawed characterwho is given his own autonomy and has a compelling arc of development. He’s alsopretty much the embodiment of the Undying Loyalty trope, something I like in mycharacters—and even better is that dr3 managed to emphasize that that’s hisstrength and his weakness at the same time.

In a lot of ways, Juzo remindsme of a better-done Maki. Like Maki, Juzo is a bit of a throwback to some other“killing machine” characters, like Mukuro and Peko. While SHSL Boxer is a farcry away from SHSL Soldier, Swordswoman, or Assassin, it’s still a fact thatJuzo is thought of first and foremost as hired muscle, by Munakata, Tengan,Kizakura, and pretty much everyone else in the Future Foundation. He’s meant toact as an enforcer, act first and ask questions later—and he’s perfectly finewith that.

Juzo is no strategist or ideasman by any means, but he’s aware of that. His forte is punching problems untilthey go away, so that’s what he does, the same way that Maki’s first instinctis to eliminate a target so they’re out of her life completely.

But Maki’s characterdevelopment is ultimately hampered by having to center around Momota’scharacter, and all the frustratingly misogynistic “life lessons” he gives herabout how “women should take care of children, not use weapons,” “women shouldlook cute, not work as a hired assassin” etc. Juzo, on the other hand, doesn’thave that problem, because the sad fact of the matter is that male characterswho are cold and aloof and think of themselves as weapons will receive bettertreatment from the writers than female characters with the same flaws.

Just as Maki prioritizes Momotaover everything and everyone else in the group, Juzo does exactly the samething with Munakata. But again, unlike Maki, whose coldness and recklessnessalmost never gets called out by the narrative (not even when she tried to killeveryone else in Chapter 5, for which she received a slap on the wrist atmost), dr3 pretty much spends all its time calling Juzo out. And that’s exactlywhat I like. There’s hardly a character in Future Arc who didn’t allude to Juzo’sfeelings for Munakata or lampshade the fact that Juzo would throw everyone elseunder the bus in two seconds if Munakata asked him to. Characters like Kizakurawere smart enough to realize that Juzo will get angrier on behalf of Munakatathan he will on behalf of himself, even. And this is a good way to highlightthe fact that loyalty isn’t always a good character trait necessarily.

Juzo absolutely didn’tsacrifice himself for everyone else’s sake—he only did it for Munakata’s. IfMunakata hadn’t been involved in the killing game, I have no doubt that Juzowouldn’t have given two shits about pretty much anyone else involved, exceptmaybe Chisa or Seiko, who were in their same faction. But he wouldn’t have goneto the lengths he did to stop the game just for their sake. What really madehis sacrifice powerful and memorable is the fact that he was willing to stopthe game, willing to cut off an arm, all for the person he cared most about inthe entire world.

Juzo’s loyalty is tragicbecause it’s his primary character trait, both his strongest advantage and hisgreatest weakness. It’s tragic because he was loyal to someone who ultimatelynever felt the same way about him, who doubted him and suspected him and neveronce really had those same feelings towards him. His sacrifice to end thekilling game isn’t supposed to be taken as some selfless gesture for the group—it’sa gesture meant for Munakata only, and Munakata still arrives too late, unableto really understand or appreciate the lengths Juzo went for him.

I would hesitate to say Juzowas seeking redemption with his actions. Atonement, perhaps, but redemptionimplies receiving recognition and forgiveness from everyone he ever wronged.And there’s none of that with Juzo. Juzo’s hot temper, his excessive violence,and his pettiness are never excused by the narrative or played off as somecutesy character trait. If anything, the reason he saved Naegi is because he’sstill as angry and petty as ever.

He didn’t save Naegi for anygrand, overarching ideal. He didn’t do it because he wound up agreeing withNaegi’s idea of “hope,” or anything like that. No, in the end, Juzo saved Naegionly because he was angry at him—for having defeated Junko where Juzo keptquiet about her, for reminding him constantly of the ways in which he fuckedup, of his own role in the way the world is now.

By dr3, Naegi was essentiallyrevealed as some grand savior who stopped the Big Bad Enoshima Junko and herdespair with his platitudes about hope. For him to just give up and die supereasily from the same despair-brainwashing video that killed everyone else wasthe biggest anticlimax—it was anticlimactic and pathetic enough that it pissedJuzo off, and that’s why he savedNaegi.

This is also perhaps a bitoff-topic to the subject, but I’ve always been curious as to why people actedlike Juzo was more irredeemable for being violent and reckless and punchingpeople early on in dr3 than many characters who have actually committed murderor other atrocities. DR is a series about murder and death and killing—and yetJuzo was immediately deemed a more unforgivable, awful monster than characterswho have killed without any remorse whatsoever. I suspect it has something todo with the fact that many people were mostly angry about who Juzo was punching or kicking, rather than the fact that he wasviolent and reckless in general.

After all, without knowingalmost anything about Mitarai or his character, people were very up in arms about Juzo kicking himin episode 2 of Future Arc, because he seemed cute, innocent, and everyone waspegging him for an “innocent cinnamon roll.” People then said that this wasbecause Juzo got killed Bandai killed by violating his NG code—but it’s not asif Juzo did it intentionally knowing that Bandai couldn’t witness any violence.He was just as surprised as everyone else when Bandai died. But I stilldistinctly remember people bending over backwards to say that this automaticallymeant Juzo was the worst character in the franchise, despite the fact thatthere are many DR characters who have intentionally done much worse.

As for the final part of yourask, about Juzo “letting Junko end the world”… Haha, I guess this is somethingyou could probably only understand if you can relate with Juzo on a personallevel. If you honestly blame him more for Junko’s actions than Junko herself, Idon’t really know what to tell you. What Junko did to him was blackmail. It wasinsidious, horrible, and the absolute worst-case scenario for Juzo. It was “despair.”If you can’t understand the fear of being outed, especially to the person you careabout the most, then you’re probably very lucky, anon.

As someone who is gay andsomeone who has been outed to abusive family, I can say that it goes beyondjust normal fear. Gay people aren’t afraid of being outed to their friends andcrushes and family because “oh no, someone will know that I’m gay.” We’reafraid of being outed because there is always a chance that people we loved andtrusted will immediately turn on us when they know, will look at us and call us“monsters,” “evil,” “sinful”—all of which I actually did have thrown at me whenmy family found out.

Juzo wasn’t afraid of much, buthe was afraid of Munakata finding outand recoiling from him, disowning him as a friend, wanting nothing to do withhim anymore. Not knowing how Munakata felt was preferable because it meant henever had to face the “what-if” possibility of Munakata finding out andtreating him like he was “disgusting” for it. If that had happened, that wouldtruly have been “despair” for him.

He was blackmailed andpressured and manipulated into keeping quiet about Junko the same way thatJunko either manipulated or intimidated or brainwashed everyone into keepingquiet and doing what she said. It makes absolutely no sense, in my opinion, tohold Juzo more accountable for “letting Junko end the world” when Junko is theone who did it. And to be entirely honest, if Junko hadn’t been having so muchfun holding that threat over Juzo’s head and seeing his reactions, she would’vejust killed him. The only reason she let him live was to make him sufferfurther—but if he had seemed like he would’ve told Munakata regardless (andJunko could’ve predicted if he would’ve, I have no doubt), then she wouldn’thave let him leave those school grounds alive.

This has gotten pretty long,but I hope I’ve been able to summarize my thoughts pretty well. Juzo is mythird-favorite character in the franchise for many reasons. He’s well-written,his flaws and mistakes are never downplayed by the narrative or turned into anendearing character trait, and I can relate with him on a very personal level.I was overjoyed when he was confirmed gay, even moreso when it wasn’t played asa joke or retconned in future episodes. Dr3 didn’t contribute much to thefranchise overall, but Juzo was at least one really incredible character tocome out of it. Thanks for asking, anon!

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

Influence

So apparently, Alexis Dejoria didn't tell her own father that she was quitting

I heard, after I read the article the popped up on my Google feed, that it was "planned" so I figured it had to do because of her criminal status. She's said other times she would quit.

I pretty much gave up on that

But now JP is literally crying because I have "control" over his daughter. I actually don't. I give her freedom and personal space. Despite her being a rapist, I don't feel the need to control her. Forcing her to change/act/behave just means she will do what she wants as soon as my back is turned. I'm not an idiot.

Y'all know I've not always been nice to her, but I have been supportive in a way that did not encourage her criminal activity but did allow her to feel human.

I'm highly amused that her father is bawling Because he can't be the boss in his 39 year I'd daughter's life

Apparently, Wally Parks, himself, talked to her and made sense to her and so she decided to follow his guidance

I could tell her to quit all day and I have for years but she's who she is and she would not let me take that away from her

So while JP is crying and carrying on like a blathering idiot, I actually had like 5% influence on her decision to quit

I suppose you could force a 100% influence since I educated her about rape and how it's not a good thing, and how I exposed her to be a rapist

But this decision, it was made on her own. I had nothing to do with whatever discussion she and Wally had. I was not there

Dejoria is 39 years old.

At 35, I quit working. I didn't tell anyone. I just quit. I had to veca I couldn't walk anymore. I thought that one day my knee would get better and I could go back but it never happened

I was 4 years younger than Alexis Dejoria

And so while I want to fuck with JP and make him scared of me, I didn't do anything.

I should fuck with him

But that may make me a bully. Maybe. I don't think so, but it's a probable affect when someone is throwing a temper tantrum

Whatever the case may be, if it was planned prior to this week or not doesn't really matter

She's an adult and has every right to decide what happens in her own life

Personally, I have been busy with my dead ex-husband, dead children, dead friends, dead foster parents, grandparents and uncles.

I am now 37 years old. Jesse G James of #WestCoastChoppers has been torturing me all day, remindi me of when he hit me in the head, burned down the neighbor's house in Galveston, beat my kids, broke my ankle and severely sprained the other. And when he made me sit in the ant piles

Because, get this, he thinks he can scare me into making a deal for him.

I'm not scared of him. I'll risk a heart attack testifying against him. I hate him. I'll make sure that justice finds him

It's obvious that #WallyParks knows how to help #JPDejoria finds his, even if I try to help him. It is obvious that he doesn't want to help himself nor others to gain positivity.

Miracles take effort and it's obvious that he doesn't feel that he needs to work towards something good. It practically fell into his lap, but it's not going to give him a blow job and so he's not interested

The point? I'm living my own life. Everyone else does as well. Jesse is not going to influence me to help him. He's gotten away with many murders and rapes. He's had his time off. Now it's time for him to quit running. Time to quit being a coward. He knows that I'm strong enough to bring his ass down. And I will. He is trying everything to stop me because he's afraid of me. He can't fathom that he has no affects on me. I affect him greatly. He just bores and annoys me but he can't see it because he's in love with himself just looking for a hole to plug his dick into

I don't think that JP is much different.

I'm 37 and 3 days and 9 hours old. I'm spending time with people I love whom share the hate for Jesse and JP.

I suggest that everyone else spends time with the people they love. You never know when you'll never get to again.

People are too busy trying to find control or a way to scape out of things or to blame others.

I have a beautiful daughter whom was trying to find her beanie, thought maybe the cat took it and found that he has been hording and hiding empty cat food cans under the Christmas tree (that's been up since 2016). He's absolutely adorable and hilarious and super soft because he eats canned food once a day, drinks plenty of water and doesn't go outside.

What did someone you love do today?

I may not agree with Mogar's dumpster/landfill habits but I love him no less. In fact his quirks make me fall over because he's absolutely adorable.

Take time to love someone.

Enjoy the fact that some beings are absolutely perfect the way God created them

Take time to leave me alone. I'm busy.