#does this even qualify as art is the real question here

[phantasmalva]

He’s fine guys don’t worry💪

[comicaurora]

Hey, firstly I just wanted to say I’ve been consuming your content for years and thank you and Blue for being the only thing that kept my academic brain from turning to mush during online COVID middle school!

But I’m entering a new academic era, notably Junior year of my very rigorous collage prep program at my high school. I’ve always thought I would go to collage after high school but I’ve recently stumbled into some very interesting ways of making a living only perusing my creative passions (some very scary publishing opportunities). So I’ve been wondering if I actually want to go to collage or not, since going to collage just to be a published writer is an objective waste of money and I don’t want to spend the rest of high school breaking my neck earning collage credits I’m not going to use.

So I was wondering, if you had known you could make a living only perusing your creative passions, would you have spent the time, money and academic energy going to collage for something you didn’t end up doing professionally?

(I would ask my advisor but he’s too obviously pro collage and doesn’t have any experience making a living creatively).

(Sorry for the long ask)

No problem about the long ask! This is a very good question!

I'll start with the short answer, which is that nobody can make this decision but you, and if you decide not to go to college right now, that does not mean you are deciding to never go to college. Especially with Covid, plenty of people are taking gap years, and plenty of full-on adults go to college later in life, simply because the mood strikes them, or they now have income to burn, or they're interested in a career change, etc. This is not a coinflip that will decide the trajectory of the rest of your life.

For the longer answer, for me personally? Knowing I'd be able to earn a living doing art would have no bearing on my decision to go to college. Setting aside that a ton of the literary analysis my job is based on is skills I learned in college, I liked college because it gave me the opportunity to learn a wide swath of things, from anthropology courses to dinosaur science. I like learning new things! College was an opportunity to learn a ton of new things, and even if it was very challenging in places, I thrived in it. I didn't go to college with the goal of becoming qualified for a Real Job - because of who I am as a person I think I'd seriously struggle at most Real Jobs, and I knew that even back then. I was in college to learn, and to learn how to learn. I got my degree in mathematics, a thing I do not use in my Job, but the functionality of mathematics - to logically reason through problems, step by step, comparing it to known problems to map the way to solutions using operations that preserve truth - is an invaluable skill that I apply everywhere there are problems to solve, especially literary analysis. I learned a wide swath of tools with surprising applications, and I couldn't have known when I started how I might use them in the end.

However, there's a big caveat there. This was my personal experience of college as a playground where I could work towards a solid major and also branch out to take weird one-off electives and summer courses when anything struck my fancy. But I was in on a scholarship to cover a good chunk of my tuition, and one of my relatives very kindly paid for the rest. I got to do college without accruing any college debt, and that is an enormous factor. I can only share my personal take, but I'm not going to pretend that things would have been the same if I'd had to enter adulthood finding a way to quickly pay off a six-figure sum.

I've been extremely lucky to get to the point where I can navigate life in a way where money is very rarely something I need to worry about. It was certainly not always like that, and I do not miss those times, but it invariably shapes the way I see the world and the steps I took to get here. For me personally, I do not consider college in any way a waste of time; I think the opportunity to learn is one of the most exciting things out there. But my experience cannot be pretended to be universal.

This decision is yours, and it is also not final. Whatever choice you make, you can always choose again later. You have time.

[alpaca-clouds]

Schrödinger's Disability

"Stop using your autism/adhd as an excuse!" I cannot tell you how often I got to hear that. Because here is the thing: Most people do not perceive either of those two diagnosises as "real". Even if they know they are real. Even medical professionals do not quite... understand it. Even those working with neurodivergent people.

Of course, if someone is the kinda autistic person who has also some sort of mental impairment, people perceive it as a disability - but if it does not come along with that kinda stuff, a lot of people treat it, as if we make an active choice to do or not to do something.

I told this story yesterday: When I was a kid, the following thing would always happen. When we would have art class, some of my pencils would drop from the table. Most likely because of dyspraxia. Now, when that happened I was simply not able to stop what I was doing. Because my brain cannot handle "stopping one thing to do another thing even for just a moment" very well. And it could handle it even worse when I was a kid. But also, I do not have object permanence. So, if an object does not exist within my field of vision, I just... forget about it. So, I often would just forget to pick the pencil back up. And teachers would be: "Oh, this boy is too lazy to pick up his own things." Which was not at all what was happening.

Another thing that happened to me too often is a very typical autism thing: Someone tells me something. But they do not tell me this in plain words, but rather imply it. So... I very much just not understood it. So, for example, I got told on a Discord Server by one user: "I have muted this channel." Which I understood as: "They muted this channel (maybe because it is very active)". What they said was, though: "I do not wanna see this channel, stop tagging me in this."

And mind you, this happens at work and university, too. A good example is the good old question of: "When are you done with this?" Which I usually understand as: "When are you done with this?" But what they mean to say is: "Hurry up, I need this now."

Last semester I had this happen at university even. Basically I misunderstood the final assignment, because it was not spelled out. Thankfully the professor was less of an asshole about it, than most people. I explained it to him, he understood, still got a good grade. But that tends to be more the exception than the rule.

As I said, this is a thing that even medical professionals do not really get. Even therapists do again and again fail to just communicate with autistic people clearly. They do not think about us usually being unable to understand implied meanings. We only understand the literal meaning for a lot of stuff.

And again: This is especially harsh with people like me, who superficially seem to function well in society. Heck, I have been told by professionals that I could not have ADHD or autism, because I archived a master's degree at university. Because they cannot comprehend that both ADHD and autism are a spectrum. It is not something you "either have, or have not" but it is a wide spectrum of symptoms that are differently strong in different people.

In Germany this also shows harshly when it comes to disability benefits. Because autism on its own rarely ever qualifies for disability benefits at all. Mental disabilities that might be linked to autism do. But autism on its own? No. Same goes with ADHD. And this... is kinda silly, right? Because we have studies upon studies that people with autism and ADHD often cannot work fulltime - at least not permanently. And we also know that generally neurodivergent people are more likely to be fired for a plenthora of reasons. So, yeah, we should kinda be treated like disabled, right?

And the worst part? In the parts where you get legally discriminated because of disabilities? Yeah, we still get that. We cannot immigrate into all other contries. Like, I cannot immigrate into New Zealand, for example, even though I would like too, because New Zealand discriminates against people with autism when it comes to immigration.

So... yeah. No, this sucks.

Nobody would tell a blind person overlooking a visual sign: "Stop using your blindness as an excuse". But with autistic people? It is the norm.

[thegeorgiatennantblog]

*Clanking pots and pans together *

I have a message for all the tin hatters and misogynists in the Tumblr fandom.

28th August, The Year of Our Nerd 2024

To Whom It May Concern

It has been precisely one year and one month to the fact that I first came across this malady that has been plaguing our fandom. Other fandoms have been more or less unfortunate in this regard. What started as a lighthearted joke has now turned into a toxic, vile, festering wound. For a long time I either ignored these blogs and their opinions or very politely tried to dismiss them. For an even longer time I was made to feel that I was in the wrong. After all we live in a free society and all of us believe int he idea of freedom of speech, freedom to hold whatever views and beliefs, and freedom to express those views and beliefs. But the very same citizens of these free society's in today's world are also facing a dilemma: how far does this right go? Is it unconditional? Is it absolute? Or does it qualify to some form of check or some form of necessary derogation under exceptional circumstances? When do those circumstances arise?

Most of us have come to an understanding in regard to the question, though all of us may not agree to it: it is understood that where your right to exercise your freedom offends and restricts my right to do or causes in any way for me or anyone else to feel endangered, then that is where we draw the line.

Reading @do-angels-dream-of-starry-seas 's post today I have come to the conclusion that the time has come to draw that line. It is a question on where we stand as a fandom if we let such bigotry and such hate prevail any longer.

I want to let everyone know where I stand. I have nothing against fanfiction. I have nothing against RPF. People have been creating RPF since time immemorial. If not for RPF a large amount of literature, film, music and other forms of art would not exist. Shakespear's Histories are essentially RPF, Hamilton is RPF, Netflix's The Crown is RPF, Le Morte d'Arthur is RPF, Baz Luhrman's Elvis is RPF and so is Andrew Dominic's Blonde. You may like some of it, you might dislike some of it. You might even be vehemently against some of it. But that's all it is at the end of the day; fiction. It doesn't hurt anyone. The real problem arises when people start becoming unbale to differentiate between fiction and reality. And that's no better than thinking that just cz someone played a serial killer in a movie means they're evil irl too.

It becomes suffocating for others to exist in these spaces when the delusion that the RFP is real transcends to take an even worse shape namely hating the real people involved in said person's life. How could you justify hating on their real life partners just so you can satisfy your delusional belief that these men are actually in love with each other.

Maybe it springs from a need to justify our lives in terms of conspiracy theories in this growing pandemic of untruths and fake news. Maybe it springs from some deep rooted internalized misogyny. Who can say?

Before I move on I want to highlight some problems with the wntire tinhatter discourse.

The existence of a PR. I want to clarify this here and now. PR works for important, famous, insanely rich people whose global fame makes their identity a part of the public domain so much that their entire image needs to be curated to meet certain requirements. PR works for Taylor Swift and Leonardo DiCaprio and Barak Obama. Who is does NOT work for are people who are only locally well known, live reasonably ordinary lifestyles, and have a painfully insignificant following outside their own cultural context.

The idea that one picture or a five second video can tell the truth about someone's entire personal life. It cannot. It never will. Body language is not even a science. Body language is misleading. Facial expressions are misleading. I am writing this right now with the most bland expression on my face. People around me think I'm writing an email. My internal emotions right now are another story. Moreover no one owes anyone any sort of information on their personal life, their love life, their mood, their life choices or whatever. Their lives are not public property. Please respect that.

The women are the villains. This blatant misogyny has become intolerable as the days go by considering most of these posts are written by women themselves. The whole controlling wife, poor meek guy trope is so fckng infuriating. When did we wake up to a world where women hold the reigns and an adult white upper middle class male cannot tell her that he wants a divorce. I thought this only happened to unprivileged women in third world countries who cannot file a divorce bcs then she will be left penniless and socially disgraced. The women baby trapped them. Of course they feel responsibility for the kids now. Child birth is the second most painful experience after being burnt to death. No woman does it for the pleasure of it nor for some strategic benefit that it will serve her. And giving birth to not just one but many. And then raising them. That's not easy! Secondly, having children is a mutual decision and process. If only women could make babies, we'd get rid of men for good lol! (this is a joke plz don't @ me) If someone decides to have children with someone, and we're not talking just one accidental pregnancy or sth... we're talking several kids over the years.... then they probably have that level of attachment, love and commitment to their partner. It's just common sense.

Absolute cynicism. Anything Georgia and Anna do is met with cynicism and their words are deliberately twisted to mean the opposite. While D and M will be applauded for speaking up for a cause, when G and A do the same, they are shouted down as pretentious or that PR made them do it. When D and M show affection towards each other that's all real and true but when G and A show affection to their partners it fake and a PR stunt. Moreover, the way they interact with their partners is also completely misunderstood. Anna is more private and subtle about her gestures of praise and affection. But from what she does show publicly we know that she absolutely adores her partner and her kids. Georgia on the other hand has her own way. She teases, makes jokes, pokes fun at him, but she's also literally the woman that is being ultra-horny for him on Twitter and Instagram in front of everyone else. And I think that comes from the fact that they were friends first and lovers second and they have maintained that playful friendly relationship with each other. Still, she is accused of never being appreciative, being cringey, possessive, creepy and always bringing him down. Oh, and we never talk about how Michael next to never promotes Davis's achievements. In fact, no one else I know does it. Literally the only person is Georgia jumping up and down going "This is my partner! Have you seen them! Have you seen how awesome they are! I love them!" Not just that, these tinhatters have such double standards that while D's neurodivergent traits are being praised, G takes the rap for it. She's a careless mum, an unworthy partner; none of her professional achievements matter. She is fighting her dyslexia and neurodivergence to achieve something but the tinhatters will make ableist remarks to bring her down. But they don't just stop there. They accuse her of abuse, rape and cyber harassment. Pray that she doesn't find out because accusing someone of that can get you behind the bars hon!

I know that none of this is going to disappear over night. We fight the fight every day and we hope that tumblr goes back to being the safe space it once was. But till then, it is important that we stay strong and stay together. I have had people come into my ds with links and other stuff that made me want to jump off a cliff. I have been subjected to some horrendous lies, all in a bid to 'convert' me. Sadly that's not happening babes.

So I just want these tinhatters to know that if you're here, then we're here too. And no matter how much of this toxic bile you keep spewing we'll keep washing it away. And that @dtmsrpfcringe and @goodomenswarning don't have to do it alone. If you wanna go at them then come at me bitches!

And I'm not scared to call y'all out @ingravinoveritas @letscoffeebreak @nightgoodomens

@invisibleicewands @climb-dtennant-like-a-tree @thetardisisbluandroseistoo and others but mainly you guys cz you're the ring leaders. Go on block me if you want to I don't care! Or better, send me some of those creepy asks you guys send Tori. At least it would take the burden off her!

Oh and, before I go, @dtmsrpfcringe you're a champ and we love you and we stand with you!!!

Yours Sincerely,

Meena. x

curator of TheGeorgiaTennantBlog

[storkmuffin]

Hello! I’m the anon that sent you some questions to pick at your brain a couple weeks ago and wanted to swing by since I’ve seen soo much more discussion and questions since then. Love to see it honestly and see that you’ve deep dived even more to Ateez 🤑

I know that my curiosity and questions stemmed when you went off about how Seonghwa was openly expressing himself and KQ being cool with it, but I want to know a bit more about how Seonghwa comes off to you and presents himself to the public. Basically what are your general thoughts about him? I was intrigued after I read your answer to the question that is in the same vein but for Yunho.

Since I've been maniacally spouting off about Ateez I keep wanting to add disclaimers to my opinions because I'm extremely wary of presenting myself as the Korean expert on Korean fandom or Korean public tastes or in any way representative. I'm not qualified to do this, and particularly not about anything to do with kpop. So I guess I'll do that here. And now, for the fun of writing, I am going to just not disclaim or water down anything I say with, I think or To me or Personally because I just want to basically flip out about Park Seonghwa the Idol.

So! My valued Seonghwa anon, strap in, because WHEEEE!!!

General thesis: Seonghwa is the Ateez member whose Idol Persona is the most deliberately crafted, with the most sophisticated understanding of exactly what male Idols are supposed to provide the female Fandom. He's not just the best at Being An Idol in Ateez - he's better than all of the Stray Kids members too (my only other reference, sorry). He keeps evolving the Park Seonghwa Idol Persona by continually adding and amending elements, many of them contradictory, and then playing them against each other to induce curiosity and obsession.

Seonghwa is handsome (strong nose, strong jaw line, big eyes), but he's also pretty (often long hair, pointy chin, full lips, expressive eyebrows). Seonghwa is physically manly (tall, long limbed, broad shouldered, muscular, big feet) but has intentionally added femininity to his frame (itty bitty waist, fluid hip movement, balletic port de bras). The theatricality of Ateez's style to date makes it more clear than most groups that there's a being that's The Idol / Performer/ Performance and The Person Who Has A Performing Arts Job, and what Seonghwa does so well is to make you wonder which one you're seeing, and to often make you believe you're seeing The Person even during what is clearly the Performance by The Idol.

What's real? What isn't? What's performance and what's genuine? Much of the draw of Idols is that the line between those disparate things is deliberately kept blurry and porous. (In ballet, for example, it's not porous. There's the ballet dancer being a Fairy Prince on stage and then off stage he's himself and you're not supposed to wonder if he has Fairy Prince feelings, you know?)

During the very first Wanteez episode, airtime August of 2022, Seonghwa was 24, and already 4 years into his Idol career. The set up for this 'reality' show was that Ateez went back to high school, which was 5 years in his past. This piece of entertainment is in the fine tradition of casting actors who are 26 to play 16 year olds that exists in all of media all over the planet. The self he's presenting here is that of a very masculine, manly guy. He uses the full of his lower register speaking voice. He shoves the other actors aside, shouts at them, and mocks Yeosang because he doesn't know how to do the 반장 (Class President) role of making the call and response to get students to bow to the teacher. He's advertising the fact that in his now-lost and utterly unknowable pre-Idol 'real life' he was, in fact, the Class President of an All Boys' high school. He was a dominant boy, who was popular, and a leader. He was also a good boy, trusted by adults, and not a class clown or a truant or bad at school. He's not insisting on it or anything, because that's not fun, but he's letting you know that maybe, just maybe, he would be wonderful boyfriend material for a good Confucian values girl like most middle class Korean girls are still raised to be. He's hinting that the "eldest in the group but bottom of the food chain" persona in the Ateez group dynamic may just be for the job, and he's an alpha, actually.

I don't know if it comes through if you don't speak Korean, but when he's shouting 가자! 가자고!! (Let's go! Move now!) at Wooyoung in Wanteez #1 during their race, he doesn't even seem like the same person as the one on whose lap Wooyoung tries to do a headstand to be obnoxious in a different content. In that other moment, Seonghwa gently clasped the upside-down Wooyoung in the middle, even though he was clearly in pain, and murmurs, "You'll get hurt. No, really, be careful. You'll hurt yourself."

Which one is he really? Both personas are being created and performed by Seonghwa the real person, in coordination with script writers, editors, and the other performers, so he's both and he's neither. But they're both so appealing to women - the reliable older brother/ leader boy who can bring order to the class chaos maker, and the kind, gentle, sweet dance crew 'elder' who wants a junior dancer to not get injured while gamboling. We want all of it to be real. [Heart eyes go here]

The alleged "real person" Seonghwa breaking through the mask (even if we really love it) of the "Idol genre performer" Seonghwa exists in behind the scenes moments like this one:

He's saying something to camera, speaking in his very polite, Idol Off Stage Talking To Atiny voice and diction and facial expressions. His voice is soft. He's deliberately pitching it higher. He's using grammar that I would describe as Respectfully Friendly. HongJoong, off camera, is doing some Who Is Real? tug of war of his own. HongJoong is supposed to be the clever, goal oriented leader with a lot on his shoulders. What he's doing is being extremely childish, using HIS higher register, to taunt, "Seonghwa is a moron! He's stupid!" in a tone that's somewhere between an annoying younger brother and a boy with a crush.

Seonghwa reacts by 'laughing' at first, and stoically continues to be 'professional' in doing his job of providing information appropriate to a behind the scenes clip. Then, at some point, he 'can't take it anymore,' so he turns his entire face away from the camera to holler, 그만해! ('That's enough!') in a big, roaring voice, stepping entirely out of Respectfully Friendly diction into I'm A Man About To Kick Your Ass diction. He turns back immediately after that, suddenly putting the polite Idol smile back on, and says, back in the higher pitch, friendly diction, "Yes. And now I am going to go get him. Byee~"

I say once again: The whole thing was almost certainly scripted. They may or may not have done more than one take. It's so expert in making the straight female Korean Fan feel that jolt of feeling like she saw The Real Man behind the Idol Mask, but at the same time, not mar her pride (and this is a real thing that the Korean Fans actually profess pride about) that her fave is so good at being an Idol - always polite, always smiling at the fans, in control of his temper, committed to providing good content.

I've never been to an Ateez concert, and I also don't know if this was a concert or a fan meeting or whatever (The different categories of show you can go to for kpop are still kind of confusing to me), but! There was a very young woman who decorated her Ateez wand with the Seonghwa animal character, and managed to catch his eye when he was walking among the aisle of the concert audience. He accepted it when she handed it to him, smiled at it, and then kissed it before giving it back to her to move on.

She was ecstatic, obviously, and I was shocked. This seems like extraordinary levels of fanservice to engage in, while performing live, and while alone among seated fans, far away from the stage, other members, and I assume, his security detail.

It says something about Korean audience behavior and codes of decency, as well as whatever it is that's the trust that's built up over time between Ateez and the Atinys. But I also wonder if say, Hongjoong or Jongho would be able to think of doing this, on the fly, while singing and having to hit marks. Like, he had to move on from this area and get back on stage and sing and dance the next song, right?

And of course, this is the same person who was doing this in concert:

I still find the above type of performance in a kpop concert to be a shock. It's so outside what I understood, in my distant, casual way, to be the norm for what kind of show Kpop Idols are trying to put on. Just amazing.

And then there's the (to my eye, very blatant) queer signalling that he does, which I've already written about. The dress wearing, the choice of songs to cover, and so on. But while he's doing that, he's also very good at gamely doing all the parasocial for-the-straight-girls play acting of being the fantasy boyfriend. He has multiple personas for that too! The intimidating Gyeongsangdo manly man, who will scowl at you when you say you wanna break up, to demand, "Try saying that again," (to which San screamed Please spare my life in response, making Seonghwa 'the real person' break up into laughter) code switches with the nice, decent, conservatively raised country boy who will give a long sincere speech about how well he'll treat his girl to the presumably disapproving parents of that girl. He has facial expressions, body language, and vocal tone and dialect word choices to optimize his performance of all these personas. He's so good at it and it's a delight.

So, as someone who loves theater, performance, dance, opera, ballet and now, 마라맛 Kpop, I think Seonghwa is really a virtuouso at being an Idol. And this is very self-directed and possibly self-taught. There's a performance intelligence he's using at all times any time he's on camera, and it evinces great creativity and cleverness. I especially like that he chose to base a lot of his persona on kindness as the dominant trait, as well.

The thing is!! Compared to HongJoong and Yunho, who have prototypical Boy Idol faces, Seonghwa actually looks like a character actor. He can look genuinely a bit scary. There isn't anything cutsey about him, on sight. San, whose persona is to be Guileless, once said about himself, Seonghwa and Mingi that they have "forceful" (쏀) faces, to which the other two immediately said, No, I'm cute. So that makes me wonder what he's going to do in the time he has left before mandatory military service, and how he plans to go on after he re-emerges as a 30 year old man. All Kpop Boy Idols have an End of Youth time, that is marked by this mandatory military service.

He's definitely one to watch with interest, and so far, I feel like I can be relaxed rather than anxiously concerned, because as I've said, he just seems so good at figuring out how to do what he's supposed to do.

Oh and I found the below 'character analysis' by another Korean Atiny who also clocked Seonghwa as queer in 2021, but using a very different tone and approach to myself, so I thought I'd share!

Translation:

First Impression: By day, an ordinary Kpop Idol, but by night I am emperor of the gay club!?

Character analysis: Was shocked because the face doesn't go with the way he speaks. Gay club doesn't apply - he's the emperor of the stuttering dummy club. He's really awkward, but he manages to not be the town fool purely on the merits of his bass voice. Rather than stand out in group situations, does his job quietly and unobtrusively. Appears as though other members give him due respect even if he doesn't loudly demand it.

I have no idea what they meant when they said "gay club" (again, in 2021 and this would be year 4 post-debut and year 2 of the pandemic) and if in her mind gay men are all socially super adept or speak really fast or something, but from the context it seems like the Emperor of the Gay Club is supposed to be a smooth operator, and Seonghwa didn't seem that way to her. And assuming this OP's reaction was more or less mainstream about Seonghwa's initial Idol Persona, the changes he's made to that Idol persona since 2021 just go to support my Park Seonghwa Is A Virtuouso of Being An Idol thesis.

[zombiethingy]

Fanfic Writer Interview

Tagged by @ao3usermelancholyhues – thank you so much!

What fandoms do you write in?

Mainly Stranger Things and Avatar: the last airbender. For st it's either steddie (Steve Harrington/Eddie Munson) or steddie with Chrissy, but there's still an idea floating around in my head to bring in Robin as a big part into the one Steve/Eddie/Chrissy AU. And for atla it's zukki (Zuko/Sokka/Suki), where I've participated in the last two zukki weeks.

There's also a Dracula fic on my ao3, written for a non-english writing challenge.

And I have an old Sense8 WIP that I hope to maybe work on again after my current rewatch.

How many words did you publish in 2024?

Ao3 says it's 30'729.

Which isn't too bad considering my life kinda started crumbling last summer and I can't really write since then. Apparently my ability to write hinges on me feeling somewhat at ease in general.

What are your top three fics you wrote last year?

The question doesn't say by what measurement so I'm just going by the ones I like the most:

all i want is the here and now

atla. zukki. T. (4,928 words)

My contribution to zukki week 2024. The only thing I managed to write after the thing... It's one fic with each chapter fulfilling one of the days prompts and somehow having those prompts and writing a short chapter for each of them helped me get through this week.

The fic itself is about Suki, Sokka and Zuko going from friends to being a triad. Complete with working through feelings realisation and figuring out how to be together.

can't fight fire with gasoline

Stranger Things. steddie. E. (677 words)

An alternate version of one of my microfics which I just love for how it turned out slightly more unhinged than the original one xD the boys ate being horny, bored dumbasses playing truth or dare and it spirals slightly out of control. (Check the tags before going into it, thanks!)

lone monster

Stranger Things. steddie. T. (508 words)

I just love the vibes of this one and how it turned out so different from what I originally had in mind but somehow better. It's a microfic and kind of a poetic character study of the upside down or something.

What was your biggest pit of despair moment?

Not being able to finish the last chapter of "not strong enough (to stay away)" despite being so close – it still is tbh. I've tried getting back into it multiple times since, rereading the whole fic and what I've written so far, and I have a basic outline and the ending in mind; but I just don't manage to write it down. So fucking frustrating!

What have you learned?

That forcing myself to write and getting frustrated about not being able to doesn't help either... Not sure what does though so that's not a great learning.

Did you beta any fics last year? Any faves you want to shout out?

I didn't... I'm not a native English speaker so I don't really feel qualified to...

What three fics from last year did you love?

Well, basically anything from @griefabyss69. <3

The limitation of three is so hard, but here are 3 of my faves:

let the fire breathe me back to life by @sourw0lfs

(Stranger Things, steddie, M, 25k)

I love the concept of Eddie as a phoenix and it's so well written and the whole story is so good and just definitely one of my faves of 2024 even though it wasn't started in 2024, but still counts, right?

I had been hungry, all the Years by @jamiethegardener55

(Stranger Things, steddissy, E, 17k)

It's tagged as pwp but it's a goddamned piece of art! The way the soulmates aspect is used in there, in a fic that's mostly about a threesome between Chrissy, Eddie and Steve, and the character study of Chrissy that's hidden in there... Just fantastic!

Home is where your heart is by ilse_writes

(Stranger Things, steddie, T, 80k)

I cried so much reading this; because it's sad and real and beautiful. And also Steve's ace and it's so so well done!

What ideas are percolating for this year?

Hopefully getting to write again... I really really really want to participate in this year's zukki week too. And hopefully finish the one fic before it turns two ..

tagging @thetragicallynerdy @hammity-hammer @yesdangerpls without any pressure and anyone who'd like to challenge themselves by choosing only 3 fics to rec ;)

[the-most-humble-blog]

🚨 THE VICTIMHOOD OLYMPICS: HOW TRAUMA BECAME CURRENCY 🚨

Suffering Is Real. Clout-Chasing with It Is a Disease.

Once upon a time, people overcame their struggles—they grew, healed, and maybe even helped others do the same. Fast forward to today? Healing is out. Milking your trauma for social capital is in.

Welcome to the Victimhood Olympics, where the gold medal isn’t earned—it’s claimed through compounding layers of oppression points. The grand prize? Clout, validation, and a get-out-of-accountability-free card.

🏆 HOW VICTIMHOOD BECAME A STATUS SYMBOL

✅ Pain used to build character. Now, it builds engagement. ✅ More oppression = more credibility. (Facts? Logic? Experience? No. Trauma trumps all.) ✅ Personal responsibility? A scam. It’s easier to say, “The system is against me” than “I need to change.”

The most dangerous part? It kills resilience. If you’re rewarded for being broken, why would you ever heal?

💀 THE HIERARCHY OF OPPRESSION: A GUIDE TO THE GAME

In today’s social clout economy, you aren’t measured by intelligence, skill, or contribution—you’re ranked by how many layers of victimhood you can stack. Here’s how it works:

🔺 LEVEL 1: Basic Trauma Starter Pack

Had a tough childhood? A bad breakup? Anxiety? Congrats, you qualify for entry-level sympathy points.

🔺 LEVEL 2: Identity Bonus Round

Marginalized in any way? Perfect. Each identity factor adds multipliers to your victim score.

🔺 LEVEL 3: Retroactive Trauma Claims

If you don’t have enough suffering points, just dig into your past and reframe minor inconveniences as life-altering events. "That time someone didn’t text me back? Emotional abuse."

🔺 LEVEL 4: Performative Public Meltdowns

Show your pain for maximum engagement. Crying selfies? Trauma dumps on Twitter? Milk it.

🔺 LEVEL 5: Attack Mode – Monetize & Weaponize

Once you’ve built enough clout, weaponize your victim status. Criticism? Oppression. Accountability? Harassment. Anyone who questions you is an abuser.

🔥 THE SICK IRONY: THIS DESTROYS REAL VICTIMS

For people who actually suffered horrific things, this trend is insulting as hell. Trauma isn’t a brand. It’s not a personality. And it sure as f-ck isn’t something to flex over like a Gucci bag.

When everyone claims to be a victim, real survivors: 🚫 Get drowned out. 🚫 Aren’t believed. 🚫 Get lumped in with performative frauds.

The worst part? This discourages healing because being broken gets more attention than being better.

🚨 COLD HARD FACTS: THE VICTIM MINDSET IS LETHAL

📉 Studies show that victim mentality leads to higher rates of depression, anxiety, and reduced life satisfaction. 📉 People who adopt a victim identity are less likely to take action to improve their lives. 📉 Chronic victimhood is linked to narcissism—because it turns the world into a stage where your suffering is always the main event.

THE TAKEAWAY: HEALING IS A REVOLUTIONARY ACT

You want to be powerful? Get stronger. You want respect? Earn it. You want real freedom? Stop relying on pity and start relying on yourself.

The world owes you nothing. And if you think "being a victim" is your greatest asset? You’ve already lost.

💀 REBLOG if you’ve seen someone farm trauma for clout. 💬 COMMENT the worst performative victim take you’ve ever seen. 🥩 LIKE if you believe strength > pity points. 🚀 FOLLOW for more brutal truths, cultural dissections, and the art of not being f-cking fragile.

⚖️ LEGAL DISCLAIMER: This post is written for the purpose of artistic expression, cultural commentary, and psychological exploration of social and gender dynamics. It does not condone or encourage violence, harassment, or discrimination of any kind. Any references to power, strength, restraint, or critique are metaphorical, symbolic, and rooted in historical and cultural analysis. This is not a call to action — it’s a cultural mirror. If you feel offended, ask yourself if it’s from actual harm — or from seeing something you hoped no one would say out loud.

✨ TL;DR: If you're mad, it’s probably not because it’s wrong — it’s because you know it’s true.

[last-transe]

 Disclaimer I'm not sure how this qualifies as a review I think its more commentary than anything else.

 This review, dissertation,thesis? For me, has been a long time coming. what it means to me is more than music. It made me double back and reevaluate the path I was walking. Speaking in such plain words truths I wished to bury. Forcing me to acknowledge who I was, and what I wanted.

 I was an egg with a reenforced shell, occasionally leaking at the rivets demanding proof I couldn't make it work. Insistent that Rock bottom existed. In constant denial of how much pain I put myself through. Living double speak in real time.

 I want to share the new found love I have for myself with this art, and extend my sincerest thanks to Madds, her team, and the community. Without these I may not have been here today.

1. Love after you

     The first song on the album. The active consequence of denying who you are for what you "need" to be, and all the questions that come with that. More of a private disclosure that can never be shared with the one it was meant for. Neither short, nor sweet, yet certainly to the point. A song can leave people wondering where the album is going upon first listen. Yet paints a piece of a much larger picture, upon a second. Not the strongest opener it could have had, but I'll save that particular critique for the end of the review. I have noticed in those I share this album with that there response to this song is different from mine as a fan who followed the release of the album. Which is understandable as its impact changes in the context of the narrative woven throughout the album.

2. Paper and ink

    "I know what I am and I don't want to hurt you" condensed into a song.

    "I know what this is and how it'll end. So please stay away" Internalized.

    "Loving your beauty does not give me the right to hurt you" in a poem just as beautiful.

     As someone who was raised to fear what love does to people. Who never had a positive example, or a proper role model I ran from love where I found it. I slept in the comfort of solitude. Stewed in the rage of betrayal. Surrounded myself with sheep to scared to see the light of day. When I wanted to fly the hands I held turned to hooks to hold me in place, and as I bled what hurt the most was my inability to cry.

    For me this song speaks to the self fulfilling prophecy we create in our anxiety, and the lingering hope of "what if"?

3. You stabbed me in my sleep

     I have opinions on this song. Dispute the actual name and content of the next song... This is the only toxic song on the album. Its way to sexy. But not in a hot way.

It's the feeling I get before I give in to my addiction. It's the despair and anxiety creeping in as life goes on you feel frozen. The pleasure you find running away from it. The loneliness and alienation you force into your relationships as a by-product. The feeling that it won't be the same, even if it's just imagined. The isolation of not being able to go back to normal, if it ever existed. But its so big and life is long, it helps sometimes.

    There are things you can't confront right now. I remember them vividly and at times wonder if I've moved on? How much time do I really need to grow? What more can I do to move past when each link leads back to the last? As I try find the courage to move forward how do I cope with things I literally can't control.

     Patience and Learning.? At least buy me dinner first.

     

4. My love is sick

     I think there are lots of situations in this world that are not ideal but you can't leave. Not always because you don't want to. Not always because you shouldn't. But because what you stand to lose when you leave is far too great for you to let go of. It means too much to you. And you might not exactly understand why you'd be better off. How you could ever be better off?

    In the great discomfort of transition it's not going to feel like you're better off all the time. No matter what anyone tells you dying is always better than being dead. You still have the chance to heal. And metamorphosis is yours to choose because you can't learn to fly until you sprout your wings. Real rot is sickly sweet and too much sugar is bad for you.

    The reason I wouldn't consider this song toxic is because it artfully displays a level of understanding of one situation, that betrays not the inability to move but the desire to stay. It shows that you know where you are and that you have tools that you're disposal. And when the time comes like I did I'd hope you grab them.

5. St. Valentines

    This was one of my favs on the album. If you're capable of being reasonable, this is Rock bottom. You don't want to keep digging. There's nothing more down there. You don't need to go to that deep dark place to see what's wrong with you. This is the point where you stop and start asking yourself why? Start looking at your habits, the surrounding factors. You need to start making decisions about the kind of life you really want to live unless you want to keep being exactly where you are, just further down the line and feeling less capable.

    The break in the song is one of my favorites because it allows for that moment to just think how they could have gotten there and what you really need to do to not get there again.

    If you're afraid of change this is a great place to crack that lid and dive in. Fall down those rabbit holes learn while you heal. This song sounds like waking up.

6. Everything changes in time

    This song gives me Simon and Marceline vibes from adventure Time. It's optimism and nostalgia. It's looking through window rather than walking through a door. It's the comfort that can come from remembering the good while acknowledging the bad and continuing on. This is as close to acceptance as it feels like you can come without getting closure. All the while desperate for it.

   It's like a normal Tuesday and all of a sudden you're like, "man we used to have crazy Tuesdays." But the cosmos is calling, and it's to late to turn back. Maybe in another life you'll have the opportunity for amends, and if that Tuesday ever comes. Take it on the chin.

7. Wine and wheat

    A song perfectly representing internalized (insert subject here). About how religious trauma forces you into a hole that you can't climb out of due to societal pressure so you end up digging around the edges. Like an elite tunneler during the Great war you spend so much time in the darkness the the sun may seem foreign by the time you see it again. Existing in a state of heightened anxiety always on guard, determined to remain hidden. Fighting with all your might not to make a single noise until the moment where it's okay to scream. Chasing that screen to the edge of insanity. Desperate for anything that I'll make it easier to continue pretending this is fine.

    when you replace love with sex you start to wonder what love is and if it was ever real. And become trapped in a loop of ever-increasing disassociation in an effort to become closer to what you need.

    Probably says more about me than anything else but I get a similar vibe from "sex at night" by Motive. Fair warning it's a very different song.

https://open.spotify.com/track/0n74DOTYUalt0XO32J3XZu?si=GuNSg_tKTLqB-A10-YTQdA&context=spotify%3Aalbum%3A2LenDArUA1GZyaU7Uwb23T

8. I lose to you

    I occasionally have the urge to listen to this track along side staring at the sun. A fun mashup between romantic and desperate. I'm sure lots of us have grown up hearing love's about sacrifice and compromise, but it's really not until you properly develop boundaries in  life that you really understand what that means. And I've known many an earth angel to simply give away far too much because they couldn't fathom the distance between the beauty they give to the world and the karma that returns to them.

    An empath must be capable of showing claws and adhering to some of the harsher realities of the world less they find themselves drowned by The blood sweat and tears they gave for the sake of, in part, their own satisfaction.

9. Anything, Anything, Anything

    I don't even know if I have anything to say about this song. I mean honestly it's the happiest song on the album. I don't see negatives here. It's all up, all day, all night. We got to work for this? Let's do the work, i'm here, I'm ready. I just want you to know. Believe me.

    Sapphics and the like, eat your heart out. A love poem till eternity passes.

10. Dogbird

    I hear so many messages in this song.

These are the screams that were being chased in Wine and wheat.

This is the confusion that comes with the pain and lack thereof from Love after you.

This is the apology meant for someone who deserved it far too late form St. Valentines

I hear the inability to cope with the fear of something so new in You stabbed me in my sleep.

The raw emotional vulnerability that evolves into a desire for more from I wanna be in love again.

I hear myself in the apology at the end of the song, begging for another chance from myself. Because it was more than not knowing how to treat myself well. I didn't want to. And so how could I ever take care of anything else? You were my fire meant to burn away the rot, but I was taught to fear the flame, and your light was blinding.

11. Staring at the sun

    First things first I think this song would have flowed better if at least a single playing of the chorus was removed from the end. One of the few criticisms I have for this album. Upon repeat listens there's sometimes a moment where I'm just like, oh wow it's still going. I think it's a combination of it's short length and being a little high when I was listening.¯\_(ツ)_/¯

    There's a bit of artistic flair to this album in terms of storytelling, and it's hard for me to come up with words to describe how I feel about this song. I feel like I've already said those words about previous songs. In the story that's being told I believe this song is a perspective shift from the partner that is giving to the partner that is receiving. I will elaborate more on this at the end of the review.

12. I wanna be in love again 

    Not everyone experiences terrible hardship but I believe everyone understands what it's like to be unable to have closure whether it be due to your own action or circumstance and when it comes to acknowledging where exactly you stand in all things. what your part to play in the situation was. what responsibility you have. Moving forward you must find the words to speak to yourself that will allow you to be strong you need to find something to believe in because sometimes you can't believe in yourself and the urge to just forget it all and go back to the way it was is so potent I don't think it'll ever truly go away but the true sign of growth is to be content with what you have without ceasing to strive for more. I believe that this song fairly accurately represents that what it means to move on.

    All right now on to the albums story. I feel like if I was more mentally capable I would have written something more akin to a lore video. This album reads easiest as a look at the relationship between two people and the ways it change them as time passed. I'll just refer to them as dog and bird because, I mean if you're here you probably get that one.

   The perspective seems to switch from dog to bird in a 7-5 ratio, I think I look like this.

1.dog 2.dog 3.dog 4.bird 5.dog 6.bird 7.dog 8.bird 9.bird 10.dog 11.dog 12.dog

At its heart it's a story of fear and anxiety combated by love and determination we're ultimately love does not prevail. But it leaves room for hope.

Presented non-chronologically, it bounces between the most intense and relevant moments of their relationship, slowly painting a picture of how they came together and ultimately what drove them apart.

    We start with dog settled into a new relationship disgruntled and questioning if the path she chose was really worth it. The album quickly transitions to what feels like the real beginning of the story and the trepidation that came from it. We see next the very real manifestation of that fear begin to overtake the potential positivity that was expressed in the prior song. The fourth song is a bit of a coin toss for me but if I had to give it to either of them I'd be giving it to bird. Dog at this point in time lacked the emotional maturity to really have that dialogue with themselves. Or at least the capacity to follow that line of thought through and make the right decision for either themselves or bird. Meanwhile I could kind of easily see birds staying in a situation like this. 

    Jumping forward again we see a point in time not quite where we were at the beginning of the album but just after the couples separation. Dog incapable of being the partner bird needed chased them away and almost immediately begin drowning in the regret of those actions. Switching perspectives again we see bird reminiscing on what was, contemplating what could have been but ultimately moving on. Outside of flashbacks this is where I believe she leaves the story.

    As if to emphasize the difference between dog and bird we take another look back to a Time when they were still together but from a darker perspective on exactly what dog was going through. I lose to you is an odd one, serving as a silent omission from bird to the growing feelings that once blossomed in their chest towards dog. Followed by anything anything anything unarguably the most joyous track on the album, bird's public expression of love likely shared between the two in their time together.

    Smash cut to the hardest track on the album. The culmination of all that Joy slamming into all that angst like a seven car collision. Communication has completely broken down and there's no going back from this moment, as dog, torn between expectation and desire uses the only tools she understands to literally combat her problems. This track adds context to Saint Valentines and shows the moment where it finally became too much for bird.

    An excellent companion piece to I lose to you, staring at the sun is dog reflecting on their emotional state before the relationship truly began recognizing those feelings and trying to avoid them. Last but certainly not least I want to be in love again strikes me as dog past the point we started at. Having come to terms with who she is and trying to move on in a way that is healthy for her.

 

    A beautiful story that touched my heart, and shook me to my core. However I did promise a criticism of the album.

Track two: Paper and ink should have been the first song. Its the one that catches the ear of everyone I play for. It's just "stonger.?"

    Secondly Haruhi Suzumiya ass album be jumping all over the place. I had the desire to listen to the story in more of a chronological order I think I've put something together that works. Though I will admit the way the album is structured does match with the theming. Moving Staring at the sun from its original position felt wrong. Here's what I came up with.

8-1, 11-2, 2-3, 9-4, 7-5, 3-6, 4-7, 10-8, 6-9, 5-10, 1-11 12-12.     I made a playlist so it's less complicated.

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7efAkjCqfhajPOjlK0OZCh?si=WOHF9q3ATtmczAu2F4h7Vw&pi=NZ1aIx9BS5aPb

[bhandarichildhospital]

Parent’s Guide: How to Choose the Right Neonatologist in Udaipur

Choosing the right neonatologist in Udaipur can feel overwhelming especially when you're preparing to welcome a newborn into the world. As parents, your baby’s health and well-being are your top priorities. That’s why making an informed decision about neonatal care is essential. Here's your step-by-step guide to finding the best specialist in town.

Understanding Neonatology

What is a Neonatologist?

A neonatologist is a pediatrician who specializes in the care of newborns, particularly those born prematurely, with low birth weight, or with health complications that require intensive care.

Role of a Neonatologist in Your Baby’s Health

They provide critical medical support right from the delivery room, especially if there are any complications. From breathing issues to infections, they handle complex and delicate cases during a baby's first moments.

Why Choosing the Right Neonatologist Matters

The First Few Days Are Crucial

Newborns are most vulnerable during their first few days. A skilled neonatologist can identify issues early and provide life-saving care immediately.

Long-Term Health Outcomes

Neonatal care doesn’t just impact survival—it shapes long-term developmental outcomes. The right care today ensures a healthier tomorrow.

When Do You Need a Neonatologist?

High-Risk Pregnancies

If you're expecting twins, have gestational diabetes, or any prenatal complications, you'll likely need neonatal support at birth.

Premature Births

Babies born before 37 weeks need specialized care. Neonatologists are trained to stabilize and support these little fighters.

Birth Defects or Complications

From breathing difficulties to heart issues, a neonatologist is essential in providing early intervention and treatment.

Qualities of a Good Neonatologist

Experience and Specialization

Years of experience, especially in handling critical cases, matters. Ask about their background and certifications.

Communication Skills

You need someone who can explain medical jargon in simple terms and keep you informed at every step.

Empathy and Patience

Medical skill is vital—but so is a human touch. Look for someone who genuinely cares about both the baby and the family.

How to Start Your Search in Udaipur

Ask for Referrals

Start with your obstetrician or pediatrician. Friends and family who've been through similar situations can also help.

Online Research and Reviews

A quick search for neonatologist in Udaipur will lead you to hospital listings, ratings, and real parent reviews.

Hospital Affiliations

Check where the doctor practices. A well-equipped hospital like Bhandari Children Hospital ensures your baby gets all-around care.

Why Choose Bhandari Children Hospital in Udaipur

Expert Neonatologists

The hospital boasts a team of highly qualified and experienced neonatologists who specialize in handling high-risk newborns.

Advanced NICU Facilities

Equipped with state-of-the-art Neonatal Intensive Care Units (NICU), it ensures that even the most fragile babies receive optimal care.

24/7 Emergency Care

Round-the-clock emergency services mean your child gets immediate care when it matters most.

Questions to Ask Your Neonatologist

What’s your experience in neonatal care?

What are your NICU protocols?

How can I be involved in my baby’s treatment?

Visiting the Hospital – What to Look For

Cleanliness and Hygiene

A sterile environment is a must for newborn care.

Staff Behavior and Availability

Friendly, responsive staff make a stressful situation a little easier to handle.

Access to Emergency Equipment

From incubators to ventilators—ask if they’re ready for all scenarios.

Understand the NICU Levels

Level I to Level IV Explained

Level I: Basic newborn care

Level II: Intermediate care

Level III: Comprehensive care

Level IV: Highest level of neonatal care with surgical support

What Level Does Your Baby Need?

Your doctor will guide you, but it’s important to choose a hospital that offers higher levels just in case.

Insurance and Costs

Is Neonatal Care Covered?

Talk to your insurance provider and hospital admin in advance.

Inquire About Cost Transparency

Make sure there are no hidden charges and understand what’s included in the NICU package.

Red Flags to Watch Out For

Poor Communication

If you’re always left guessing, that’s a problem.

Lack of Updated Equipment

Old or non-functional machines can risk your baby’s life.

Negative Reviews or Complaints

A pattern of negative feedback is a warning sign.

Support System for Parents

Counseling and Emotional Support

Hospitals like Bhandari offer mental health support to help you stay strong through the process.

Parent Education Programs

Learn about newborn care, breastfeeding, and what to expect post-discharge.

Preparing Yourself Emotionally

Stay Informed, Stay Calm

Knowledge reduces anxiety. Read up and ask questions.

Build a Trusting Relationship

You’re in this together. Trust your neonatologist and work as a team.

Final Tips Before You Decide

Take a hospital tour

Talk to other parents

Trust your gut

Conclusion

Choosing the right neonatologist in Udaipur is a decision that can impact your child’s entire life. From experience to empathy, every detail matters. Bhandari Children Hospital offers a blend of expert care, cutting-edge facilities, and parental support—making it a trusted choice for countless families. Remember, when it comes to your baby’s health, never settle for less than the best.

FAQs

1. What is the difference between a pediatrician and a neonatologist? A pediatrician handles general child health, while a neonatologist specializes in caring for newborns, especially those with complications.

2. How do I know if my baby needs a neonatologist? If your baby is born premature, has a low birth weight, or experiences complications during birth, a neonatologist is essential.

3. Is NICU care available at all hospitals in Udaipur? No, only certain hospitals like Bhandari Children Hospital are equipped with advanced NICU facilities.

4. Can I visit the NICU and see my baby? Yes, most hospitals allow parental visits under strict hygiene and timing protocols.

5. What should I bring when my baby is admitted to the NICU? Bring ID proofs, insurance documents, baby essentials (if allowed), and most importantly—emotional support for yourself.

[lesterwrites]

How DJing Made Me A Better Creative Professional

Few things make me as dizzy with excitement as the first thump of the subwoofer when the amp kicks in. For those not in the know, I regularly step behind the DJ console after eventide falls. And I love it. Getting people out of their heads and into their bodies is its own high. “But pray Les, what does scorching dancefloors have to do with becoming a better creative professional?” you ask. Glad you did.

The one thing I’d despise with every cell in my being during my rookie years as a copywriter was client feedback, especially the kind that was critical of my ideas. There it stood, freshly printed and mounted on sunboard, an exquisitely crafted headline adorning an equally regal layout, that distilled everything the brand should say, in just the right words and tone of voice that encapsulated its rich legacy of communication. A goddamn piece of poetry by any measure. Or so I thought. Until the client tore it up because, (and I can’t believe I have to repeat those awful words) mazza nahi aaya!

Over these past 2 decades I found ways to dull the sting of rejection and tough love feedback. Mostly whiskey. Quite often it came down to what battles were worth fighting. Yet somewhere sitting in the corners of my conscience was that high-brow beatnik that still questioned how this room temperature IQ pleb was in any way qualified to critique my work. My high octane copy and ideas, that brought with them the fury of the gods.

I started DJing around 2020. First in the bedroom, then on Twitch, and after a proper Pro level course, live at venues. And boy, was I unprepared for the REAL dancefloor. In my head, I was crushing it with that 140BPM techno banger. So the club should be on fire right now, right? Colder than Dante’s Cocytus. The venue owner would pull me aside and with all the diplomacy he could muster, would tell me to take it easy, the crowd isn’t ready for it. Which was code for ‘Read the room, hotshot.’ This was pretty much how the early days went by. Empty dancefloors hurt. Even worse than the crowd chanting ‘DJ suxxx’. I was doing everything right. Latest jams. Technically accurate beatmatching. Pitch perfect mixing in key. Transitions smoother than butter. And still, empty dancefloors.

The one thing I should have realised early on is that this wasn’t about me. I’m never there to play for myself. It’s always for an audience. Get your TG wrong, and it all starts to fall apart. So, after a few aspirins and a moment of epiphany, I decided to right this ship. I started asking questions before every gig. What’s the kind of people that come here? Mostly young or old? What kind of music do they usually tap their feet to before the DJ takes over? Is there a special occasion that evening? Commonsense questions that changed the way I curated my sets, and my ability to take feedback. It wasn’t important to always be technically correct, as it was about finding that intent, that feeling, the answer to ‘Why Am I Doing This Exact Thing?’ and building around that nucleus.

Finding that answer meant rethinking everything. From shaping a set, to thinking on your feet when you’re hit with a song request or equipment malfunction. To be able to adapt to changes, and yet craft something unique. Reading the room helped me gauge the audience’s energy, critical to improvising on the fly. Trendy Tiktok dance hook track? You got it. A fresh new edit of an oldie but goodie? Say less fam.

Getting the brief right was one thing. Problem solving was a whole ‘nother minefield. You could prepare your set to a T, and you could still have technical issues, shifts in crowd energy, or worse have a police raid kill the buzz. (True story, some other time though.) Learning to adapt under pressure strengthened my ability to stay composed and find quick, innovative solutions to the challenge at hand.

And finally, like every art form, I learnt that DJing is about storytelling. What is the journey that I want to take the audience on, and how do I do this in the best way possible. As I sharpened my sets, I started to notice bits and parts of my own story reflect in it. My home, culture, travels, my personal struggles, the relationships and people that bind me to this good life, and the values that lift me up. Finding a way to distil these concepts into my work refined my ability to structure narratives, whether in creative conceptualisation or execution.

Ultimately, DJing has made me a more adaptable, accepting, intuitive, and expressive creative professional. My ability to command attention translated into better presentation of ideas at the office. Taking feedback became more about what I needed to address with my work than a personal affront. Whether pitching a concept, leading a project, or collaborating with a team, the self-assurance I’ve gained from DJing extends far beyond the decks, allowing me to own my creative vision, and inspire others.

As a Thank You for making it all the way to the end of this long post, here’s an Afro House set I mixed recently.

[hayleycna]

Open Your Future: Top CNA School Options in Brooklyn for Aspiring Healthcare Heroes

Unlock Your ⁣Future: ⁣Top CNA School Options in Brooklyn

Unlock Your ⁢Future: Top CNA School ⁤Options in Brooklyn for Aspiring Healthcare ​Heroes

The ‌path to becoming a Certified Nursing Assistant (CNA) is both rewarding and​ fulfilling. If you’re an aspiring healthcare hero in Brooklyn, you’ll be⁢ thrilled to know that several outstanding CNA⁢ schools⁤ are available to ⁢help you achieve your dreams. ⁢In this article, we’ll explore the best CNA⁤ programs, their benefits, practical ⁢tips, and personal experiences from those who’ve walked the path. Let’s dive in!

Why Become a ⁤CNA in Brooklyn?

Choosing to pursue a career‍ as‍ a CNA opens⁣ many doors. Here are ⁤some‌ compelling reasons to consider:

Job Demand: The healthcare sector consistently needs qualified CNAs, ensuring⁤ job stability.

Caring Profession: ‍ Enjoy a fulfilling ‍role, making a difference⁣ in patients’ lives daily.

Career Advancement: Starting ⁢as⁣ a CNA can lead to further nursing education and higher positions​ in healthcare.

Flexible Scheduling: Many ​healthcare ⁣facilities offer various shifts, allowing for a ‍better work-life balance.

Top⁢ CNA School Options in⁣ Brooklyn

Brooklyn hosts several renowned institutions offering CNA training‌ programs. ‌Below is a curated‌ list of the⁣ best options:

School Name

Location

Program Duration

Highlights

The City University of New York (CUNY)

Brooklyn, NY

6-12 ⁣weeks

Accredited, affordable tuition, experienced⁢ instructors

Brooklyn Institute of⁢ Arts & Sciences

Brooklyn, ​NY

4-8 weeks

Hands-on training, day and evening classes

Excel⁢ Health Institute

Brooklyn, NY

6 weeks

Intensive curriculum, job placement assistance

American‍ Red Cross

Brooklyn, NY

4⁢ weeks

Nationally recognized ‍program ​and certification

Key Features ⁢to Look for in ⁢CNA ‌Programs

When selecting a CNA school, keep the following⁣ aspects in mind:

Accreditation: Ensure the program is‍ accredited by a recognized body.

Curriculum: ‌Look ‌for a balanced curriculum that combines⁢ theoretical ‌knowledge with practical skills.

Clinical Experience: Quality programs offer hands-on ⁣training ‍in real healthcare settings.

Job Placement ‌Services: Choose schools‍ that assist with job placement ⁣after graduation.

Benefits of Attending CNA School

Attending a CNA school offers numerous benefits​ for aspiring healthcare⁢ professionals:

Comprehensive Training: Learn essential skills ​such as patient care, hygiene, and safety⁤ protocols.

Networking Opportunities: Build‌ relationships⁣ with‌ instructors and peers that can ‌help in job searches.

Certification​ Preparation: ‍ Programs prepare you for the⁢ state ‍certification‍ exam, a crucial step in your career.

Supportive Learning Environment: Many schools provide resources‍ like tutoring and mentorship.

Practical ⁢Tips for Aspiring CNAs

To set yourself up for success in⁢ your⁤ CNA journey, consider these practical tips:

Research‍ Schools: Take the time to ⁣research various CNA programs ⁤in Brooklyn.

Visit‌ Schools: If possible, visit ​potential schools to get a feel for the environment and resources.

Connect⁣ with Alumni: Reach out to past students to learn about their experiences‍ and career ⁢paths.

Study Regularly: Establish a⁣ study routine to ​stay ⁢on top of your coursework and prepare for exams.

Real-Life Experiences: ⁢Navigating⁣ the CNA Journey

To provide insight from‌ those who have already taken the plunge into the CNA profession, we gathered some ‌firsthand ⁢testimonials:

“Attending ⁣CUNY was one of the ‍best decisions of my life. The instructors were incredibly supportive, and I felt genuinely⁣ prepared for⁣ my certification exam.” – Maria L.,‍ CNA

“I ⁢chose the Excel Health Institute because‍ of their job ‌placement support. I landed⁤ my first⁣ job just weeks​ after‍ graduation, thanks to their connections.” – James T., CNA

Frequently Asked Questions ⁣(FAQs)

1. How long does it ‌take to complete CNA training in Brooklyn?

Most programs range​ from 4 ​to 12 weeks, depending⁣ on the institution and the intensity ⁢of the course.

2. ‌What are the prerequisites​ for enrolling in a CNA⁤ program?

Typically, you will need a high school⁢ diploma or GED,⁢ and some programs may require a background check and a physical examination.

3. ​Is financial aid available⁣ for CNA training?

Yes, many ⁣schools⁤ offer financial aid options,​ scholarships, and payment plans to help⁢ students manage tuition costs.

Conclusion

Embarking on ⁤a career as a Certified ​Nursing‍ Assistant in Brooklyn is an exceptional⁤ opportunity to make ‍a meaningful impact in the healthcare community.‌ With a variety of top-notch CNA⁣ schools available, you have the chance to gain the necessary training and‍ support ⁢to thrive in this profession. Remember to ‌evaluate your‍ options carefully, keep practical‍ tips in mind, and ‌leverage the resources ‌offered ‍by ​these⁢ institutions. Are you ready to unlock⁤ your future ​and become a healthcare hero? The journey begins now!

https://cnatrainingcertification.org/open-your-future-top-cna-school-options-in-brooklyn-for-aspiring-healthcare-heroes/

[cksjptblog]

On SAO and Simulation/Simulacra

Sword Art Online follows Kazuto "Kirito" Kirigaya as he is trapped within a Full Dive Virtual Reality game called “Sword Art Online” where dying means dying in real life. The story follows the various adventures and struggles he goes through in an attempt to reach the end of SAO and complete it allowing the playerbase to escape.

This anime inherently heavily deals with the simulation and simulacra, The first half of the season is entirely placed within a simulated world, that of the titular Sword Art Online. To the protagonist this world is Hyperreal becoming inherently meaningful, and to them in a way more meaningful than the real world as they mention in episode 1 “And even though it’s a virtual world I feel more alive in here than I ever did in the real one”

In addition to this it becomes questionable whether this simulation can be truly considered a simulacra, or another reality as real people have real consequences in this world rather than it just symbolically having meaning. The hardships the players face, the deaths and loss they face are real so even though the world is itself a simulated experience does it truly qualify as a simulacra or hyperreal experience? Or does it itself become another form of reality?

An alternative viewpoint is that Virtual Reality is a first order simulacra, representing an alternative reality however SAO became a second order simulacra by locking its players into a death game where it became a representation of a Virtual Reality game whilst being in actual a life, partially losing the original meaning of being an escapism from real life.

The world of SAO can be contrasted with the world of Alfheim Online the centerpiece of the second half of the season which can be seen as a true simulacra a world completely virtual disconnected from reality except by the player themselves without the drastic consequences of SAO. And yet even within this simulacra a fragment of reality lies due to the forced kidnapping of the female lead Asuna being locked within its simulated walls (alongside several other unnamed players).

Together these two worlds show a contrasting but similar viewpoint of simulations and simulacra, one attempting to subsume reality and the other a normal first order simulacra plagued by remnants of the former.

[myclippings]

The Four Loves - C.S. Lewis (Part 7)

22 December 2023 18:35:01 to 18:57:25

"People can live anywhere if they put their mind to it.”

"Two friends delight to be joined by a third, and three by a fourth, if only the newcomer is qualified to become a real friend. They can then say, as the blessed souls say in Dante, ‘Here comes one who will augment our loves.’ For in this love ‘to divide is not to take away’."

"Friendship arises out of mere Companionship when two or more of the companions discover that they have in common some insight or interest or even taste which the others do not share and which, till that moment, each believed to be his own unique treasure (or burden). The typical expression of opening Friendship would be something like, ‘What? You too? I thought I was the only one.’"

"But as long as each of these percipient persons dies without finding a kindred soul, nothing (I suspect) will come of it; art or sport or spiritual religion will not be born. It is when two such persons discover one another, when, whether with immense difficulties and semi-articulate fumblings or with what would seem to us amazing and elliptical speed, they share their vision—it is then that Friendship is born. And instantly they stand together in an immense solitude."

"The Companionship was between people who were doing something together—hunting, studying, painting or what you will. The Friends will still be doing something together, but something more inward, less widely shared and less easily defined; still hunters, but of some immaterial quarry; still collaborating, but in some work the world does not, or not yet, take account of; still travelling companions, but on a different kind of journey. Hence we picture lovers face to face but Friends side by side; their eyes look ahead."

"[Those who] ‘want friends’ can never make any. The very condition of having Friends is that we should want something else besides Friends. Where the truthful answer to the question Do you see the same truth? would be ‘I see nothing and I don’t care about the truth; I only want a Friend’, no Friendship can arise—though Affection of course may. There would be nothing for the Friendship to be about; and Friendship must be about something, even if it were only an enthusiasm for dominoes or white mice. Those who have nothing can share nothing; those who are going nowhere can have no fellow-travellers."

"That is why those pathetic people who simply ‘want friends’ can never make any. The very condition of having Friends is that we should want something else besides Friends. Where the truthful answer to the question Do you see the same truth? would be ‘I see nothing and I don’t care about the truth; I only want a Friend’, no Friendship can arise—though Affection of course may. There would be nothing for the Friendship to be about; and Friendship must be about something, even if it were only an enthusiasm for dominoes or white mice. Those who have nothing can share nothing; those who are going nowhere can have no fellow-travellers."

"The co-existence of Friendship and Eros may also help some moderns to realise that Friendship is in reality a love, and even as great a love as Eros. Suppose you are fortunate enough to have ‘fallen in love with’ and married your Friend. And now suppose it possible that you were offered the choice of two futures: ‘Either you two will cease to be lovers but remain forever joint seekers of the same God, the same beauty, the same truth, or else, losing all that, you will retain as long as you live the raptures and ardours, all the wonder and the wild desire of Eros. Choose which you please.’ Which should we choose? Which choice should we not regret after we had made it?"

[ficsforeren]

Our Little Secret - Chapter 6 (End)

Series Masterlist

Pairing: Eren Jaeger X Female Reader

Genre: College AU, Spider-Man/Spider-Girl AU, Fluff, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, Eventual Smut

Series Summary: Eren Jaeger, a 21-year-old virgin college student who loves his camera a little bit too much, has a crush on you. Every night, he switches on his camera and talks about you but he never could find the courage to speak to you in real life. Strangely enough, he finds it easy for him to befriend Spider-Girl, the crime fighting vigilante, not knowing that you both share the same identity.

Chapter Summary: Eren still can't believe that he just went on a date with the most popular girl in school and kissed the hottest superheroine in town all in one night. He tells himself that he has to make a decision—to choose between you and Spider-Girl, not knowing that you two are the same person. Well, maybe it's time for you to reveal your little secret.

Content Warnings: swearing, mentions of characters going through depression, traumatic past events, a little bit of smut near the end (not too explicit)

Word Count: 16k

Poster art by the most talented @rainbuniart on Twitter

Armin Arlert loves Eren Jaeger. He does. He really does, like in a platonic-but-can-also-be-qualified-as-super-gay-way-sometimes. 

He adores him. Might even name his fictional son after him in the future, who knows? He thinks Eren is the best friend he could ever ask for. Armin wouldn’t put his life on the line to save him, true, (‘cause as much as he loves the guy, that bitch can die on his own since it will probably be because of his damn fault anyway), but he would definitely sacrifice his most precious body pillow if Eren’s life depends on it and that’s saying something. Actually, hold up. Let’s not make any hasty decisions here. It’s a special, limited edition dakimakura with his fictional wife printed on it while wearing a slutty maid outfit. He ain’t gonna throw those glorious 2D titties just for Eren’s lousy ass.

Though his actions may speak otherwise, Armin does care about him. More than he has ever cared about anyone else, really. Even on those days back in high school when he was a bit… bicurious, Armin had imagined himself—more than once (or ten)—being with Eren and how hot it would be if he had Eren all tied up on his bed with his body shrouded by wet tentacles that were stimulating each of his sensitive spots. He knew it was weird to imagine his best friend begging him with tears in his eyes, saying lewd things like “Please, Master Arlert, please give me your thick, hard cock and fill me up with your seeds. I want you to breed me like a fucking whore,” but Armin was an eighteen-year-old virgin with a raging sexual desire, okay? Can you really blame him? (yes, please blame him, he's insane).

It didn’t help that Eren looked so pretty with his hair down either, especially when he was sitting half-naked on Armin’s bedroom floor during those hot summer days with a popsicle stuck inside his mouth, making questionable groaning and sucking noises as he jammed his thumbs against his X-Box controller. It also didn’t help that Armin had watched too much hentai in his spare time but at least, he was proud of it. Eren watched tentacles porn too—and enjoyed it—but he would always pretend he didn’t and say that he preferred lesbian porn just so he could “fit in” and “be normal” or whatever. Fucking coward.

We’re getting sidetracked but the point is, Armin loves Eren to the moon and back, but sometimes, sometimes, he just wants to break all 206 bones in his body, squeeze him into a pulp and flush him down the toilet. And by sometimes, he means now.

“Armin!” He can hear the sounds of small rocks hitting his window, followed by Eren’s husky voice calling his name in a mix between a shout and a whisper. “Armin! Dude, wake up!”

Armin only has one eye opened, glowering at the digital clock on his desk that shows it’s two in the fucking morning. His parents might be heavy sleepers—the government has to drop a nuclear bomb for them to wake up—but Armin needs complete silence to be able to wane into his dreamland (which would be the only place for him to be embraced by his fox-eared waifu). He tries to ignore the asshole standing outside his window, but that so-called green-eyed butthole is as stubborn as he is relentless. 

Gathering a handful of pebbles, Eren throws them one by one, continuously hissing Armin’s name like a demonic cat. With each stone hitting his window, Armin transforms even further into a seething monster. By the sixteenth pebble Eren throws, the blonde-haired boy pushes himself off the bed, grabs the baseball bat he hides inside his closet—which he bought not for sport, but for this very reason—and stomps his way to the front door.

“Armin!” Eren rejoices when he sees his best friend walking past his lawn, moving toward him. “Oh, thank God, you’re awake! I need to talk to you—WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING TO DO WITH THAT BAT?!”

“I’M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU, JAEGER!”

It’s always like this with them—Eren annoying the shit out of him and Armin trying to kill him two or three times in a row—but it would all end well, not with laughter, but with a massive bump on Eren’s head that may or may not be big enough to trigger permanent brain damage. But then again, Eren is already an idiot. He’s probably maxed out at this point. 

“One of these days, Arlert,” Eren groans in pain, rubbing the back of his skull as he wills his tears to stop brimming in his eyes. “I’m gonna file a restraining order on you.”

“That’s my line, you nincompoop.”

“I don’t know what nincompoop means but that doesn't sound pretty.”

The two boys sit on the little stairs that lead to Armin’s porch (five feet apart ‘cause they’re not gay). Armin still has his baseball bat between his legs, his golden hair all tousled from his one-hour sleep. Eren, who’s usually attentive to another person’s well-being, is too excited to pay attention to the bags forming under his eyes. Playfully bumping his shoulder against Armin’s, he asks him, “Dude, guess who just had his first kiss tonight?”

“Why do we strive for perfection if it is not attainable?” Armin says, dramatically sighing into the night. “What is the meaning of a good life? Is there a meaning in life itself? Are we human or are we dancers?”

Eren, now confused, has his smile wavering. “The hell are you talking about?”

“Oh, I thought we were just throwing out random questions.”

“That last one wasn’t even a question. That was `Are We Human’ by The Killers.”

“Yes and they were asking us whether we are human or dancers when they should have been asking: why can’t we be both?”

“It’s me,” Eren replies flatly. “I just had my first kiss.”

“Oh, wow, congratulations. I did not see that coming at all.” There’s no mirth or enthusiasm on Armin's face. He's just clapping his hands as he keeps his voice monotone. “Your lips aren’t a virgin anymore. Make sure they don’t turn into a whore.”

Eren, well-accustomed to his sarcasm, remains unfazed, continuously acting like the love-struck puppy that he is. “Aren’t you gonna ask me how it felt like?” He wiggles his eyebrows, showcasing a cheeky grin. “I’ll give you a clue. The word starts with an A and ends with a G.”

“Anal Rimming?”

Eren sends him a flat stare. “It’s amazing.”

“Sure, if you say so. I mean, I’ve never done anal or rimming before so I wouldn’t know, but hey, if it’s amazing then good for you, buddy.”

“I meant the kiss, Armin!”

This attitude Armin is throwing at him is his way of saying dude, I love you but I’m so fucking pissed at you right now, and Eren understands how much he’s being selfish for taking Armin’s precious sleeping time. He knows and he apologizes for it. But if he doesn’t tell Armin about the kiss—about how he’s both overjoyed and conflicted by it—he’s sure as hell he’s going to lose his mind. 

Armin, despite how snarky he is, can only exhale exaggeratedly in defeat once Eren puts his best-kicked puppy look on display. “Fine, you twat. Spill.”

And with his permission, Eren’s words come rushing in like a bullet train. “Dude, it was insane.” Whenever he thinks about the kiss, the first thing Eren feels is joy. The kind of joy that is so fierce, it leaves him burned and paralyzed by it. “I’ve been imagining what my first kiss was gonna be like since forever but even the sweetest dream wouldn’t be able to compare to how amazing it was.”

Armin can see it—that glow on his face. It’s the first time he’s ever witnessed his best friend being this happy. It's disgusting. “You sound like that sappy Aerosmith song.”

“And to think that I was having my first kiss upside down!”

“Wait, what?” Armin finally shows a reaction, his eyebrows adjoined in the middle. “Upside-down?”

“Yeah, she was hanging upside down.”

“Hanging? How—why—” You know that Jackie Chan meme? The one with him looking all confused? Yeah, that’s Armin right now. “Where were you? In her room?”

“Umm… no. We were outside.”

“In public?”

“Yeah, but no one was around. Oh wait, there were like three guys around us but they were unconscious.”

The more he explains, the more perplexed Armin becomes. “Why were they—no, who were they?”

“Just some dudes wanting to steal my camera.” Eren turns sheepish, his index finger scratching his cheek at the memory of you fighting so gracefully under the rain, almost like dancing. The words he says don’t match his expression at all. “They had, like, a knife against my throat. It was really scary.”

“Oh yeah, I can tell, ‘cause you’re blushing so hard right now.” At this rate, being sarcastic is the only way for Armin to keep himself sane.

Eren, to Armin’s horror, giggles. “I remember the way she came by. It was so dramatic. She beat their asses to save my life like bam, kapoww, kapoww!”

Almost getting hit by Eren’s lame attempt at re-enacting your punches, Armin cringed, “Please stop.” 

“We kinda flirted a little bit after that and I just, you know…” Eren has really turned into a thirteen-year-old girl at this point. “I kissed her. She was hanging upside down. There was rain pouring above our heads and we were, like, smiling into the kiss. It was so romantic.”

Fuck Jackie Chan. That meme needs to be reinvented using Armin’s face now. He’s more confused than any Chinese man could ever be. “Hold up, you fucker.” He pushes his eyeglasses up his nose, a pair of sapphire eyes scrutinizing Eren's face as if he could find the answer if he looks hard enough. “How and why was she hanging upside down?”

“Well, she was about to swing away when I stopped her and so she was hanging onto her web and—”

“Her web?” This dude makes absolutely no fucking sense! Armin is now picturing you (not Spider-Girl. You.) in your preppy girl outfit hanging upside down on a tree like a fucking monkey, exchanging tongues and saliva with an actual monkey who was twice your size. The result? Absolutely ludicrous. “Dude, what kind of kinky shit are you guys into?!”

And it’s only then that Eren remembers something. “Oh, no, you’re getting the wrong idea. I wasn’t talking about her. I kissed a different girl.”

“You kissed a diff—” Armin stops himself before he explodes. Taking a deep breath, exhaling with his eyes closed, he mutters under his voice, “Lord, give me strength.” When he blinks open his eyes again, Armin seems much calmer, although his grip around his baseball bat is tightening twice as hard. His fingers are just itching to smack the shit out of his best friend. Again.

Eren, scared for his life, has both hands in the air. “Calm down, Min.”

“I’m calm, I’m calm.” But he takes another deep breath just in case. Armin smiles—that kind of deadly smile that doesn’t reach his eyes—when he asks, “Let’s start from the beginning. You went on a date with Miss Popular.”

“Yes, Sir.”

“But you didn’t kiss her and instead you kissed someone else.”

Now that Armin phrases it like that, that feeling of remorse that Eren felt an hour ago comes back rushing in. Eren still loathes himself for kissing another girl right after his date with you ended but the thing is, it felt right. It felt like it was something he had been wishing to happen for years. He had spent all this time imagining what it would be like to share a chaste kiss under the rain with you—the college version of you. But when the moment was there, he couldn’t do it. It didn’t feel right. He felt guilt at that time, knowing that Spider-Girl kept showing up in his head when he was supposed to be thinking about you. But he didn't feel any of that when he shared those kisses with that alter ego of yours. He just felt joy. It felt amazing. It felt right. 

But with Armin confronting him about it, he returns to the dilemma he was drowning himself in a few hours ago. The time when he realized that he was in love with Spider-Girl instead of you.

“Yeah,” Eren admits in shame, casting his gaze downward. “I kissed someone else.”

Armin fixes his glasses again, just so he’d have something to do instead of looking flabbergasted at the revelation. “And who did you kiss?”

“Umm… Spider-Girl.”

Armin looks at him and Eren looks back. Three seconds pass by in silence and then—

“AW!” Eren shouts in reflex, not caring if it’s two-thirty in the morning, right after Armin smacked him with the end of his baseball bat. “Dude, stop doing that! It hurts!”

“You’re fucking with me,” Armin says, hitting him repetitively on his side. “You’re absolutely fucking with me right now. Can’t believe I woke up to listen to you spouting bullshit!”

“I’m not bullshitting you!” Eren winces, trying to dodge his next attack.

“You’re saying you kissed one of the town's hottest superheroines? The same girl who took down the Lizard—no, the same girl who looks smoking hot in that white spandex—you kissed that girl?”

“Yes! Fuck—Stop hitting me!” Eren, at some point, manages to snatch away the bat from Armin’s grip. His body feels sore all over, even more than when he fought those men in the alley. “Yes, Armin, I kissed her.”

“Yeah,” Armin snorts. “And I just had some raunchy sex in the barn with Green Goblin. Expect his babies to pop out of my ass in nine months.”

The brunette rolls his eyes. “Look, Spider-Girl and I have been friends for weeks now. Here.” Eren retrieves his phone from his pocket, going through his gallery before he shows the selfie he took with you in your costume on the night you shared stories on the rooftop of St. Mark’s theater. You were both so close to each other, shoulders nearly squeezed together as you tried to fit your faces inside the frame. Eren had the biggest, gleeful grin, his skin seemingly tanner than usual next to your white mask and hoodie. Armin examines the picture with suspicious eyes, his gaze shifting back and forth from his friend’s face to his phone. 

“Hmm, very convincing,” Armin comments. “Not sure where you found the skill to photoshop this shit so fast when it took you a week to choose a fucking filter for your Twitter PFP but okay. Assume that I believe you—I don’t,” he emphasizes. “But for the sake of our conversation, let’s just assume I do."

"Fine." 

"So you kissed her.”

“Yeah.”

“Upside down in the rain?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“And how was it?”

“It was…” Eren’s cheeks sizzle at the memory. “They were�� soft. Her lips, I mean. They were so soft and they tasted… sweet.”

Armin’s expression turns from suspicious to I’m-tired-of-your-shit-Jaeger in 0.2 seconds. “I was thinking more like it was bad because I’m sure she had rain clogging up her nose, ‘cause that would’ve sounded more realistic, but sure, let’s be corny.”

“Wait,” Eren blanches. “Do you think she was uncomfortable?” It’s stupid that he only realizes this now, but then again, what else is new?

“Yeah, well,” Armin shrugs. “Hanging upside down certainly didn’t seem like it was the best position to make out in, 'cause you have blood rushing to your head and all. And since it was raining, she definitely had water getting up her nose.”

“Oh my God,” Eren utters in horror, his hands going to his head. “Why didn’t I think about that?”

“Probably cause you were too busy sticking your tongue down her throat.”

Eren has no consistency in managing his emotions because at one point he was panicking, and now, he’s back to giggling like a schoolgirl. “Yeah, we used tongue a few times. It was so exciting.”

“Give me back my bat. I’m gonna kill myself with it.”

But jokes aside, the question remains. How could Eren, who has zero games in dating as far as Armin knows, kiss another girl—and not just another girl, Spider-Girl—right after he went on a date with one of his campus’ most popular girls? Even the sentence sounds bizarre and he hasn’t spoken them out loud. Most importantly, though, why? Why did Eren do it? “I thought you were in love with her,” Armin says. “Miss Popular, I mean. You spent the entire summer jerking off to that one picture of her wearing that short skirt and now you’re saying you like some other girl whose face you don’t even know?”

“Did you have to phrase it like that?” Eren mumbles in shame though he can’t deny the fact that he did spend—well, not the entire summer, the entire two weeks, probably—masturbating to the thoughts of you. It wasn’t the proudest moment in his life, but in his defense, that skirt you wore looked super cute on you. “I know, I fucked up,” he sighs, rubbing a hand over his face. “I’m the worst.”

“How did this even happen?”

Eren tells him everything, and the more details he reveals, the harder he drowns in his guilt. He feels like he just betrayed and disrespected you—both you and Spider-Girl and it hurts him terribly because he still can’t decide between the two of you. He’s so conflicted he feels like he’s about to vomit his insides. 

“It’s so weird, you know?” Eren says. “At the end of the date, I was sure she wanted me to kiss her. I mean, like, the moment was there. We both felt it, and I wanted to do it but I… I kept thinking about Spider-Girl and it just felt… wrong. I didn’t want our first kiss to go that way—me kissing a girl while thinking about another girl. It wouldn’t be fair to her.”

“Should’ve just kissed her, in my opinion,” Armin counters. “If you had done it, it would’ve been easier for you to make sure of your feelings now.”

 “But that would’ve made me the biggest asshole in the world.”

“You are the biggest asshole in the world. But yeah, probably. Did it feel right when you kissed Spider-Girl?”

Though the remorse on Eren’s face still stands vividly, some of it morphs into delight at the memory. “Yes, it was,” he admits. “It felt like… something I should’ve done weeks ago, you know? Like, why didn’t I realize sooner that I’m in love with her kind of feeling. And I keep thinking about everything—about my feelings toward Spider-Girl and my feelings toward her and it’s stressing me out. Do you think a man can be in love with two girls at the same time?”

“You’re talking to a guy who has, like, seven different waifus. Of course, you can,” Armin snorts. “The problem is, unlike my wives who don’t know I exist, you have to choose. Unless you want to continue being a gigantic fucking asshole for the rest of your life, you need to decide who you want to be with.”

“I know...” Eren starts chewing on the inside of his cheek. It feels like he has a storm raging inside him. “I think I’m in love with Spider-Girl because I feel like… I know her better. I mean, I’ve been spending more time with her, so she feels more like a person to me. More… You know, real.”

Armin nods. “But when you went on a date with Miss Popular, did you enjoy it?”

“I did.” His answer is immediate. “More than I expected I would. She was so nice and funny and she… She gave me a scarf ‘cause she thought I was cold. She was so caring. She was great.”

“What if her personality is just as attractive as Spider-Girl’s then?” Armin provides a new perspective—a genuinely good one, which is rare considering how big of a pervert he is. “I feel like you just need some time to get to know her better.”

“Yeah, but how can I do that if I keep thinking about Spider-Girl? What if every time I see her, all I do is compare her traits to hers? It’s not fair.”

“Okay, let me ask you this,” Armin sighs loudly into the air. “Can you really see yourself dating a superhero? You don’t even know her real identity or what she looks like. What if she’s ugly?”

“I don’t care how she looks.” Determination stands thick in Eren’s voice. “It’s her—” He clears his throat, his face turning scarlet. “I-it’s her heart that I love.”

“Oh my God, I’m gonna throw up on you.” 

“I mean like her mannerisms!” Eren hastily adds when Armin threatens to jam a finger inside his own mouth. “Her attitudes, the way she talks, the way she thinks, and the stuff we talk about—that’s what I care about the most. She’s my best friend.”

“Excuse me?” Armin repeats, offended, picking up his weapon.

“A-after you, of course.”

“That’s right, bitch.” He drops his baseball bat back to the ground. “Okay, fine, you don’t care if she’s ugly. Not my problem. But does she like you?”

“I think so? I mean, she kept asking me to kiss her again. You don’t do something like that with someone you don’t like, right?”

“Yeah, well, strangers fuck at nightclubs all the time. I won’t think too much over a kiss.”

The pretty shade of red that paints Eren’s face turns pale by the second. “You don’t think she likes me?”

“I do, but is it enough for her to want to date you?” Armin lands a hand on the other man’s shoulder, giving him his best sympathetic look. “I wouldn’t be so sure, man. Look, I’m not trying to sound like a douchebag for crushing your R-rated dream so early like this but you’re my friend and you need a reality check so here it goes. She’s a superhero. Okay? She’s busy. She doesn’t have time to play tonsil hockey with nerds like us. Plus, if she cares about you then maybe she won’t date you ‘cause you’ve seen what happened to Mary Jane, right? That chick got taken hostage at least once a week these days, ’cause of what?”

“Umm… Cause she’s dating Peter Parker?”

“That’s absolutely right, you nincompoop.”

“Like I said, I don’t know what nincompoop means.”

“At this point, MJ doesn’t even scream anymore when she has a gun pointed at her head. She’s just like—” Armin pretends he has his smartphone between his hands, his thumbs moving to type something. He keeps his face blank and his voice monotone, talking in an exaggerated New York accent. “‘Oh no, please, don’t hurt me, I’m scareeeed. Hashtag SpideyDrama, hashtag Spidey-MJLoveStory. Take a cute selfie with my kidnapper—” He pretends to take a picture, puckering his lips while forming a peace sign with his two fingers. “—aaaand post.’”

Under different circumstances, Eren would have laughed. Armin’s impression of her was spot on. “Yeah, but that’s because everyone knows that Peter is Spider-Man. No one knows who Spider-Girl is.”

“Yes, but if you keep making out with her in public, they’ll know about you, and then what? You want to start doing your own TikTok trend? Hashtag PrayforErenJaegerTheNewDamselinDistress?” Eren parts his lips to answer but he’s stopped by two hands squeezing him by the shoulders. “Look. Just give Miss Popular another try, okay? It’s easier to be with her than being with Miss Vigilante, I promise you. Plus, Spider-Girl knows how you feel about her, right? Don’t you think it would make you sound like a player if you talked like a lovesick fool about another girl, but then you confessed to her three days later?”

Again, it’s absolutely ridiculous that Eren just realized this now. “You’re right,” he utters in horror. “Holy shit, you’re right.”

“Of course, I am.” Armin scoffs, tossing back his imaginary long hair over his shoulder. “Forget about Spider-Girl for now. Give it a week or two to sort out your feelings. Or focus on something else, like jerk off to your favorite tentacle porn or something. If you still feel like you can’t move on from her then, we’ll go to Plan B.”

“W-what is that?”

Armin retrieves his bat. “Me, beating the shit out of you until you suffer from a massive concussion and forget about this whole thing.”

“Yeah, why don’t we just stick to Plan A for now, thanks. But no tentacle porn.”

"Pfft, whatever, your loss."

***

You have never—never—felt like you were floating in the clouds after sharing a kiss with a boy, and yet there you are, climbing through your window with the biggest dopey smile on your face. You take off your mask, throwing yourself on your bed with the longest, most blissful, content sigh you’ve ever heaved in your life. 

You have two fingers tracing over the seam of your lips, your skin somehow still tingles whenever the memory of that kiss resurfaces. The sweet, pleasant taste of his mouth still lingers near. The soft texture of his lips is the best thing you’ve ever felt against your own. 

“Eren…” His name drifts past your lips and you find yourself giggling, turning over to your stomach before you let out a high-pitched scream against your pillow. It felt like a first love’s kiss and perhaps it was since he is your first love, isn’t he? You haven’t been able to stop thinking about him. Every cell in your body seems to scream I love him, I love him, I love him every time his smile appears behind your closed lids. It feels like you’re thirteen again, just a lovesick girl whose fingers are itching to pour every emotion you felt into your journal. 

Dear diary, I’m in love. 

You didn’t think your first kiss with him would be like that, but it was ten times better. No, a million times better, even if you did have rain clogging up your nose at some point. Eren was so… passionate, you think to yourself as you feel your stomach flipping at the memory of his lips melding against yours. You may be a virgin, but unlike him, you have experienced many first kisses before and none of them was this memorable. None of them managed to awaken the butterflies in your stomach as his kisses did. And none of those boys tasted as good as he was.

“I am down so bad,” you sigh as you hug your pillow close to your chest, a dreamy smile sketched upon your lips. I can’t wait for tomorrow to come. I want to see him. I want to be with him again.

With that thought in mind, you begin to create your diabolical plan to reveal your true identity to him. As cute as he was looking all conflicted from falling in love with both you and Spider-Girl, you decide not to torture him even longer. It’s unbelievable, the amount of elation you felt the moment you realized that he’s fallen for Spider-Girl. It’s clear proof that he wasn’t just attracted to your looks, but your personality too. It puts you at ease, knowing that he keeps catching feelings no matter what persona you’re putting in front of him. He fell for you when you were just an innocent little girl who couldn’t do anything but fangirl over Wonder Woman all day. He fell for you when he saw you stepping onto the podium to accept your science medal, blinding everyone with your perfect smile. And he fell for Spider-Girl, your alter ego that embodied your true personality.

I wonder how you would react when you find out that I’m all those three?

“Maybe I should step up my game,” you mumble to yourself. “Maybe I should be a little…”

The corners of your mouth curve up. Your smirk is just straight-up evil at this point. Hell, even Norman Osborn didn’t look this wicked when he turned into Green Goblin. 

“Aggressive.”

***

When Eren told his brother, Zeke Jaeger, that he wanted to borrow his motorcycle to pick up a girl this morning, his brother was on the floor. Literally on the floor. 

Zeke was skeptical at first, snorting loudly as he muttered, “Pfft. As if you could get a girl to notice you. Bet my ass you’re just being delusional.” But then Eren, heaving the biggest sigh, raised his phone in the air, flashed his wallpaper—that one picture you took on your date with you smiling as you kissed his cheek—on his brother’s face and Zeke collapsed to his knees.

“Oh my God.” Zeke landed both palms on the parquet, eyes shaking in horror. “Oh my fucking God.”

Eren, who was accustomed to his brother’s dramatic antics, simply shrugged when his aunt Dina looked at them funny. “He’s having a moment,” he explained and Dina just returned to her cooking, not wanting to deal with any of that. 

It usually took Zeke a while to get back on his feet—literally—when he was having an episode like that. Eren simply waited with his back leaning against the wall, checking his watch with boredom written in his eyes. “Try and make it quick. I got a date.”

“I can’t believe you found yourself a girl before me,” Zeke sobbed. “I thought it was Armin dressing up as a girl again—"

“We’re over that phase now.”

“—but no, she’s actually a cute fucking chick. Probably has massive badonkers too.”

“Please don’t say that.” Great, now I can’t stop thinking about it too, Eren adds inwardly, face flushed. What if she… does have massive badonkers—I mean, tits—I mean, breasts. He shakes his head. Eren, you idiot. Who cares if she has huge boobs or not. Flat, or huge, those are still great tits—no, stop thinking about her tits!

“Fuck, what if it’s true?” Zeke looked up to his brother from below, like a tortured servant to his sadistic master. “What if she’s packing some dobonhonkeros? Like, massive dohoonkabhankoloos, ya know what I mean? Big old tonhongerekoogers—”

“Language, Zeke,” Dina chimes in from the kitchen. “I don’t understand what you’re saying but I know they’re filthy words so stop it.” 

Eren, in the meantime, is conflicted between not thinking about your breasts or smacking the shit out of his brother. “You’re being disrespectful, stop it.”

“GOD, I WANT A GIRLFRIEND—”

“JUST GIVE ME THE GODDAMN KEYS!”

Zeke, almost with tears painting his eyes, handed them over to him. “Once you’re finished with it, do me a favor and just run me over. I don’t have the dignity to keep on living anymore.”

“Will do,” Eren said—promised—as he threw a black leather jacket on top of his white shirt. “I’ll be back in two hours,” he informed his aunt. “We’re just gonna study in my room after that.”

“Studying each other’s bodies?” Zeke uttered with jealousy coating his tongue. “Gross.”

“Statistics, actually.” Eren planted a small peck on Dina's cheek. “See you, Aunt Dina.”

“Bye, love,” Dina chuckled, seemingly proud that her nephew—one that she regarded as her own child, unlike the other one—was old enough to bring a pretty girl home with him. “Make sure to bring her something. Us girls love gifts.”

“Okay.”

“And buy some condoms on your way home.”

Eren nearly tripped over his feet. “I-it’s not like that!”

Zeke was lying flat on the floor at this point, like a stabbed victim on a crime scene, only in his case, the knife was invisible and he was bleeding tears from his eyes. “When can I get myself some bonkhonagahoogs…”

“Please kick him out before I get home,” Eren said.

“Trust me, darling,” Dina sighed. “I've been trying to do that since day one.”

“Guys, I’m literally right here.”

“Shut up, Zeke.”

***

Eren is just as jittery as he was during his first date with you, only this time, it’s ten times worse as he keeps thinking about Spider-Girl no matter how much he tries not to. The guilt he felt over the kiss sticks permanently in his mind, and it feels like he just committed adultery with a church elder or something when he isn’t even in a relationship with you—any version of you. But even so, he tries to stick close to his plan. He has promised to spend some time studying for finals with you, and he intends to give his full attention to you and no one else. Since he’d brought you a bouquet yesterday, he decided to buy you homemade chocolate truffles from this cute candy store downtown, one that Dina claimed to be the best one in the world. 

He arrives two hours early at your ballet studio, feeling so nervous to see you again that he feels like the whole world is spinning too fast before him. He’s waiting outside in the parking lot, leaning against Zeke’s all-black Royal Enfield Classic 350 with his phone in one hand and his head on the clouds.

What am I going to say to her? Can I even act normally around her? What if she—

“Eren.”

“Fuck!” The boy jumps on his feet, almost losing his grip on his phone from how startled he is. He spins his head around to the side, spotting you standing close with your gym bag slinging on one shoulder. His shock-filled eyes quickly traverse down your body, taking in the sight of you dressed casually in your fitted black tank top and white track jacket. “W-why are you not wearing your tutus?”

Out of all the things he could’ve said, of course, that’s the first thing that comes out of his mouth. “Because I’m still outside and my practice isn’t going to start for another ten minutes?” You reply with a hint of teasing in your voice. “You look handsome today, by the way. I always think you look hotter wearing a leather jacket instead of a hoodie. Not that I don’t like it, though. Hoodies make you look cute.”

This is an ambush, Eren thinks. You, casually throwing your compliment at him as if it’s nothing, feel like a fucking ambush to him. “I—Umm—You look—You look cute too.”

“Thank you,” you titter. “I can’t believe you arrived here before me.”

“Oh... Y-yeah.” It suddenly feels like it’s twenty degrees hotter for him. “I guess I was a little early.”

“As always,” you toss him a smile—the one that has the perfect amount of beauty and shyness that makes his heart swell in his chest. “You’re not planning to wait out here for two hours, are you?” When Eren has no answer to give, you chuckle. “Gosh, you are too cute. Come here.”

“Huh?” 

“You can wait inside.” It’s so natural the way you tangle your hand around his even when you can feel your own heart palpitating. “It’s warmer there.”

Eren, with his cheeks turning scarlet, follows after you. “Is—is it really okay?”

“Well, no. Usually, we don’t allow strangers to watch our rehearsals.”

“Then, why—”

“Relax, Ren.” You hurl a wink at him. “Petra—my instructor—is a close friend of my mother. I’ll just tell her you’re my boyfriend and she’ll make an exception for me.”

Three things left him dumbfounded. The first one is clearly the fact that you just called him your boyfriend. Second, it’s that naughty, naughty wink you threw at him, one that matches your cute little devilish grin. But none of those were as surprising as the way you called him with that nickname. 

Ren.

You’ve never called him that before, have you? But Spider-Girl called him Ren all the time, which is why to his ears, it sounds so familiar. The way you said it. The way your voice sounded when you did. Even if his mind tries to deny it, his heart still pounds. It feels so strange for this to just be a coincidence but you don’t give him a chance to think about it long.

“I’m gonna go change into my tutus, okay?” You tease him once you enter the studio, chuckling at your own words. “You can sit at the back. Try not to stare at the other girls as you wait.”

He knows he’s dumb but today he just feels ten times dumber and it shows. “W-why not?”

“Well, obviously, because you’re pretending to be my boyfriend today.” You reach out a hand to fix the collar of his jacket, watching him flinch at the way your fingers brush against his collarbone. “And also…” You look up at him, turning your voice into a breathy whisper as you feign a pout. “I don’t like seeing you look at other girls. I want you to look at me.” You take a hold of his key-shaped pendant, twisting your fingers around his necklace. “Only me.”

Fuck, fuck, fuck. If there was steam coming out of his ears, Eren wouldn’t be surprised. He does feel like his face is about to explode. “I-I’ve only been looking at you.”

“You sure?” Your tongue peeks out to wet your lower lip and Eren swallows at the sight. “You seemed so… distracted last night. You weren't thinking about some other girl, were you?”

He’s staring at your lips. He’s definitely staring at your lips. Oh my God, her lips. “I—I didn't—I wasn’t—” He’s panicking. He’s already having a hard time trying to stay alive from your attack. You really didn’t need to bring back Spider-Girl into his head, but you did and that’s why you fit more as a supervillain instead of a hero.

Eren can practically taste the minty scent of your breath from how close you are when you grin at him. “I’m kidding,” you giggle, patting his cheek and giving him back his space. “You look like you’re about to pass out. You okay over there, big boy?”

“Yeah…” Just feeling like I’m having a cardiac arrest but I’m fine. “Good luck with your dancing—your practice. Break an arm.”

God, he’s an idiot, I love him. Refraining yourself from laughing, you stand on your toes and grant him a soft kiss on his cheek. “It’s break a leg, dummy,” you whisper in his ear, your smirk brushing against his earlobe. His face is practically in flames when you turn on your heels, tossing him one last smile before you disappear inside the changing room. 

The rehearsal starts on time and there you are, walking back into the studio dressed in pink seamed ballet tights, a black halter-neck leotard, and a pair of beige pointe shoes. Your outfit, the way the fabric hugs your body tightly, leaves no room for his imagination to wander. It’s so unfair that you look both adorable and effortlessly sexy at the same time. Eren doesn’t know whether he wants to say, “You’re so cute, I want to squeeze your cheeks!” or “You’re so hot, I wanna clap those cheeks.” He wants to do both, honestly, but he’ll need to rephrase that last line if he wants to be, ehem, respectful.

He can see your back muscles contracting as you perform, your skin glistening under the light, coated by a thin layer of sweat that somehow only makes you look more erotic. He hates the way his mind thinks, so he tries to focus on your movements instead. Every posture you strike is as graceful as it is beautiful and Eren has to remind himself to blink before his eyes fall out of his sockets from staring too long.

You try to concentrate as much as you can on the instructions Petra gives you but every time you see your reflection in the mirror, you also notice the way his eyes are entranced with every gesture you make. He’s staring at you like you’re the only girl in the room—the only girl in the world, even. As much as it pleases you to be the center of his attention, it’s also harder for you to focus on your steps. You just can’t wait for your practice to end.

Eren is so captivated by everything you do, and if he had brought his camera with him, he would’ve taken every bit of your expression. He wishes he could record everything. The way your body moves… Even the slightest lift of your finger is fascinating to him. At this moment, all thoughts about Spider-Girl vanish away from his mind. It feels like he’s falling for you all over again, his heart throbbing like on that day when he saw you on campus for the first time. You’re so pretty. So, so pretty that you leave him breathless.

“Hey,” you greet him again once your rehearsal has ended. “Sorry you had to wait long.” You’re dabbing a towel against the side of your face, gathering your belongings in your arms as the other students are making their way to the changing room without you. “I’m all sweaty so I’m just gonna go take a shower real quick. Is that okay?”

Eren can see a bead of sweat running down the side of your face, disappearing right between your cleavage. It’s the most pornographic thing he’s ever seen and this comes from the man who spent the whole summer watching questionable porn clips with Armin. It also doesn’t help that Zeke’s face keeps appearing in his mind, whispering to him, “Bro, look at those badonkers,” and no, Eren doesn’t want to look at your badonk—breasts. It’s very inappropriate, and you deserve to be respected. 

Fucking monke. Eren is going to run him over for real after this.

“Eren? You okay there?”

He coughs once, trying to focus on your face instead of your, in Zeke’s words, dohoonkabhankoloos. “Yes, I—uhh… I’ll just go wait outside, okay?”

“Okay.”

You’re not sure what you’re expecting but when Eren walks away without saying anything about your performance, you feel a sliver of disappointment growing inside you. Keeping your thoughts to yourself, you tighten your grip around your bag and pivot on your heels.

“Oh, I forgot to tell you,” Eren says, stopping you in your tracks. You turn around, facing him with a questioning brow. The boy smiles at you, doing it so beautifully, so delicately, so lovingly that you feel like you can fight the whole world just to protect that smile. “You look so beautiful when you dance,” he says, his eyes gleaming in the adoration he holds for you. “So graceful, you’re like, uhh… Like an angel.”

It’s corny. It’s corny and cliche, and embarrassing, and you love it. If anyone else had said it, it would’ve sounded like the cringiest pick-up line, but not him. Eren said it like a confession as if he truly felt that way and he had to tell you the truth no matter what. He doesn’t intend to sound corny, of course, but what can he do? You did look like an angel in his head. But now that he’s hearing the words out loud, he can’t help but feel mortified by them. “S-sorry,” he blushes. “I didn’t mean to sound so… lame.” 

“No, it’s fine.” You could feel a pleasant warmth pooling inside your stomach. “Thank you.” You smile back at him, a bit timidly but as beautiful as always. “Will you… come and watch my recital next time? It’s not until three months from now, but—”

“Of course!” His eyes light up in excitement, his voice loud enough to make three people turn their heads at the sound. “Of course, I would love to! Can I bring my camera with me?”

You almost laugh. He reminds you of that little Siberian husky he owns, the way she looked so excited as she ran down the street, chasing a hummingbird. “Yes. Yes, you can.”

***

There are a lot of things Eren is grateful for in his life. He’s thankful that he has his Aunt Dina taking care of him and his brother after his parents passed away. He’s thankful that he has Zeke, no matter how obnoxious he is, for always lending him his credit card whenever Eren is in desperate need of money (involuntarily, true, but let’s not get into details). He’s thankful that he has Armin in his life to knock some sense back into him, both literally and figuratively speaking. And of course, he’s thankful that he met you—every version of you, though he hasn't noticed yet. But today… Today he doesn’t direct his gratitude to his Lord. Today, he wants to thank whoever it was who decided that motorcycles should have these super cramped seats because holy shit, they’re doing God’s work.

“I’m sorry for holding onto you like this,” you say with your hands tangled around his waist, a little bit embarrassed with how close you are to him. The motorcycle itself is designed to be a two-seater, but apparently, comfort for the pillion has not been a priority—which is a good thing for Eren because you don’t have other options left but to have your front all squeezed against his spine to fit in.

“Umm…” Eren swallows and he swallows hard. You’re wearing his leather jacket above your clothes and yet he can still feel the way your breasts—oh my God, they’re so soft—are pressed against his back. Maintaining his eyes on the road, he tries to focus on his surroundings as best as he can. “I-it’s okay.”

“Are you sure you’re not cold? You can take back your jacket if you want. I can just use mine.”

“No, it’s fine. Yours is too thin.” He refrains himself from sniffling because damn it, it is cold. He should’ve thought of bringing a spare jacket for you, but no, of course, being the idiot that he was, he didn’t. “Don’t worry about it. My house isn’t far from here.”

“Okay.” Despite his reassurance, you still have your eyebrows knitted in concern as you can still feel him shivering from the cold. As a way to warm him up—which is only an excuse for you to touch him even more, and to continue with your diabolical plan—you embrace him from behind, tightening your arms around him just a little bit harder. 

Fuck, Eren thinks, face flushed. You’re plastered against him like a conjoined twin and he can feel your warmth seeping through his shirt. It’s a wonder that he’s still able to maintain his grip on his vehicle. “W-what are you doing?”

“Umm… Making you feel warm?” You reply sheepishly which drives him insane. You’re already so beautiful and sexy in his head, now you get to be so innocently adorable too?

Eren only responds with a little "Oh..." because that’s the only thing his pea-brain can manage to form with all this blood rushing to his head. God, you wish you could steal a glimpse of his face. What kind of expression does he have right now? He must look so cute.

He’s dying, that’s how he looks. Probably about to combust into flames too. Why are they so sooooft, Eren wants to whine, feeling your chest pushed up against his back even more. Is this the kind of sweet torture people talk about? The kind that makes you feel like you’re both in heaven and hell at the same time? It certainly feels like one. 

“Sorry, Ren…” Noticing the way his body is tensing, you loosen up your hold. “Am I making you feel uncomfortable?” 

“No!” Eren takes off his left hand from the steering wheel and snatches yours back before you can retrieve it. He keeps it in place, pressing your splayed fingers tight against his stomach until you can feel the shape of his abdomens underneath the thin layer of his white shirt.

“I’m not uncomfortable,” he says, his voice subdued by the wind. You fail to notice the way he stutters his words. “Hold on tight so you won’t fall."

When he’s only driving twenty miles per hour because of traffic ahead, even if you did fall, you would only get a scratch on your palm at most but neither of you cares. You both know it’s just an excuse anyway. "Okay."

"And also, uhh…” Eren is glad he has his helmet on to conceal his face. “It’s… warm. You, I mean. You're so warm.”

“I'm glad I am,” you giggle, winding your arm around him again, even going as far as resting your chin on his shoulder. Feeling a bit naughty, you lower your pitch, seduction ringing in his ears. “Kinda wish we were alone in your room right now,” you purr, your fingers hovering dangerously close above the hem of his jeans. “I know something else we can do to warm you up.”

That’s it. That’s the final string. Eren’s concentration breaks and he’s easily startled by the car driving past him on his right. Veering his vehicle immediately to the side, he nearly collides with the motorcycle on his left. 

“WATCH IT, JACKASS!”

“Sorry,” Eren mutters in chagrin, while you’re cackling like a witch behind him. From his bar-end mirror, you can see how he childishly pouts at your laughter. “Why are you laughing—that wasn’t funny!”

“It was a bit funny,” you sneer. “You panicked like a girl.”

“Well, you were saying some nasty things to me!”

“What nasty things?” 

“Y-you said you were going to do something else to warm me up.” 

“Yes, I was speaking about making some hot chocolate for you. What were you thinking about?”

He opens his mouth, closes it, and repeats these two actions three times more before he gives up and grouses, “Oh, shut up.” Eren spends the rest of his drive pretending to be upset about it, even when you can tell he’s having the hardest time masking his smile. He can’t do it for long since your giggle is infectious. 

“You seem happy,” he comments, mirroring the joy on your face. 

“That’s because I am,” you reply, snuggling close. “I feel like I’m the happiest when I’m with you.”

Oh, for fuck's sake. “Don’t make me crash our bike into another car, I swear to God—” 

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry!”

When the laughter has receded, Eren shares stories about Dina and Zeke, the two family members he loves dearly—well, he loves Dina, Zeke can go to hell (affectionately)—and how they are very excited to meet you today. But the second you arrive at his house, no one comes to answer the door.

“Weird,” Eren mutters as he walks past the entrance, dropping the keys on the counter. “I thought they’d be—” He stops short when he notices a piece of paper lying on the coffee table. With a frown, he picks it up and runs his eyes across Dina’s neat handwriting.

Zeke and I are going shopping to give you kids some time alone. We’ll eat outside too so we won’t be back until nine. Remember to use protection ;) - Love, Dina.

Eren, too busy trying to understand what the fuck is going on, doesn’t notice the way you’re standing on your toes, trying to steal a peek at the paper from behind his shoulder. Unlike him who needs a whole minute to process her words, it only takes two seconds for you to finish reading the whole thing. 

Eren shrieks at your presence, crumples the paper with both hands, tosses it inside the trash bin, and hopes the whole thing gets swallowed by hellfire. “You—You didn’t read that, did you?” It feels like he has his heart throbbing in his throat.

“Read what?” You play dumb, even tilting your head to the side for a cute, dramatic effect.

“Nothing,” he says, and when you arch your eyebrow at him, he spins you around, placing both hands on your shoulder as he guides you down the hallway. “Let’s just go to my room. Go, go, go, go, go.”

“Wait.” You stop him with one hand in the air, putting on your best solemn face. “Have you brought protection with you?”

“OH MY GOD, GO!”

***

Things aren’t going as smoothly as Eren had planned. Actually, nothing went as planned. For all he knew, all he had been doing was just turning red like a fucking tomato for the whole two hours he had spent with you, and you teasing the shit out of him. And it doesn’t seem like you’re going to stop anytime soon!

Is she planning to kill me? He sighs as he opens the door that leads to his bedroom, welcoming you in. She wasn’t like this yesterday. Now, don’t get him wrong. Eren loves how aggressive you’re being—he hasn’t unlocked his kink yet, but he’s secretly a sub who longs to be dominated by his women, both in bed and in real life—but with how smooth you’re going right now, constantly flirting with him as if it would kill you if you didn’t make him blush every ten minutes, this is getting so bad for his heart.

And it doesn’t help that he’s now alone with you in an empty house for the next—he takes a glimpse at his phone screen to check on the time—three hours and twelve minutes. His thoughts are going insane. From Dina’s message to the image of you in your skin-tight leotard, and of course, the way you embraced him on the ride home too. You’ve been giving him signs that you like him. You’re more honest and blatant compared to how you behaved during your date, and as much as he is certain that Spider-Girl is the woman he’s in love with, he can’t deny that he has feelings for you too. And the way you’re looking at him right now, sitting on the edge of his bed in your cute little red dress and your cute little matching headband with your smile never faltering away from your lips—everything about you right now is so… titillating.

“You’re such a dirty boy,” you smirk.

Eren nearly collapses. “W-what?” What the hell is happening? She can hear my thoughts now? WHAT IS GOING ON?! “What do you—I’m not—I don’t know what you’re saying.”

“I said you’re a dirty boy.” Your salacious smirk turns into a mischievous grin. “As in your room is a mess.”

“Oh!” He laughs once in relief, his hand coming up to wipe cold sweat off his forehead. “Oh, you were talking about my room, thank God.” Wait. He panics again, eyes moving back and forth from one corner to another, scanning his room. He’s sure that he’s cleaned up everything he could this morning, and by cleaning up, he means picking everything off the floor, jamming them inside his closet, and pretending that they don’t exist. Everything seems to be in order. There are no clutters on his computer desk. No laundry on the floor. Sure, the books on his shelf are in disarray, but at least they’re not too dusty. “It looks clean to me, though.”

“On the outside, sure,” you titter. “But your wardrobe looks like it’s seconds away from exploding. I don’t need to take a peek inside to know that you have dirty clothes and questionable things stored there.”

“I don’t have… q-questionable things,” Eren says very unconvincingly. Poor boy can’t lie to save his life. Unable to stand the way you narrow your eyes suspiciously at him, he sighs in defeat, “Well, it depends on how you define questionable.”

“Playboy magazines?”

“Nope.” Why should I buy one when I can just see naked girls for free on PornHub?

“Erotic novels?”

“No.” Ha ha, too bad. You were close, though, cause instead of erotic novels, I read—

“Erotic mangas, then?”

Fuck. “N-no,” he coughs out.

You wait for him, watching him with the nastiest grin you could muster until he gives up on his lies. “All right, all right, you got me,” Eren says, rolling his eyes. “I have some hentai mangas hidden in my closet. Happy now?”

“Immensely,” you chirp back and whatever it is you’re doing, it’s working well because Eren feels like he can breathe properly again. 

Now that the tension isn’t as suffocating, you both settle down on the carpeted floor, your backside leaning against the side rail of his bed. You have your textbook perched on your lap, a pen between your fingers as you teach him about univariate and bivariate transformations. Eren wears a pair of eyeglasses when he studies, and you hate whoever invented those black frames for making him look more attractive than he already is as if his little man-bun wasn’t strong enough to emphasize that. 

An hour passes by in a flash and Eren asks for a ten-minute break. You follow him to the kitchen, watching him make two cups of hot chocolate while casually throwing back some of your earlier teasings. It feels so domestic—the playful banter you throw, the way you share smiles and giggles while you both sit on the kitchen aisle with your legs dangling in the air. And while you secretly fantasize about spending every morning with him like this, Eren is constantly reminded of the time he spent with Spider-Girl.

Why does this feel so familiar? He ponders. Is your personality similar to hers? Is it the way you talk? Or is it because he unconsciously starts projecting Spider-Girl on you? Because he can’t stop thinking about her even when he’s trying his best to focus on you today? He grows restless at the thoughts. Because if that’s the case, then what’s the point of doing this? It’s clear that he’s still searching for Spider-Girl everywhere he goes. Even when he’s seeing you, he still thinks about her. He was sure he managed to forget about her earlier today, but the more he grows comfortable with you, and the more you show your true personality to him, the more he sees Spider-Girl in you.

When you return to his bedroom with him trailing after you, you notice a little box sliding out of his bag. Eren follows your gaze, mumbling, “Oh, shit, I forgot,” under his breath before he snatches it away. “I bought something for you earlier today,” he says, taking a seat on the edge of his bed with you settling down right next to him. “I wanted to give this to you back when we were at the studio but…” He smiles a little bit sheepishly as he hands it over to you. “I got, uhh… distracted.”

The way he said his words, it was clear that you were his distraction. “Thank you,” you reply, your fingers playing with the little red bow that ties the package together. “You’re always so thoughtful. I wanted to give you something too, actually, but I couldn’t get it done on time. It’s going to take a little while before I can finish it.”

“Oh?” His whole face brightens at once, seemingly giddy at the thought, as it would be the first time he’ll receive a handmade gift from the opposite sex. “You’re making something for me?”

“Yeah.”

“What is it?”

“It’s a surprise.” Your coquettish smile quickly becomes one of his favorite things in the world. “For now,” you land a hand on his shoulder, leaning up to brush your lips lightly against his cheek. The kiss is light and chaste, and yet, Eren turns rigid, his heartbeat roaring in his ears. You break away with a bashful smile painting your lips. “I hope that’s okay?”

“Umm…” He mumbles out, unfocused. “Yeah…”

The moment is there. The same atmosphere, the same tension that you felt when you were about to part ways at the end of your date has returned, ten times thicker than before. You maintain your gaze on his face, while Eren learns the texture of your lips with his eyes. They seem so soft, so inviting and he wants it. He wants to know how it would feel like to have your mouths pressed against one another but at the same time…

He’s conflicted again, you think to yourself, and if you’re not careful, your devilish smirk will rise to the surface again. It’s such a fun game watching him like this. You can almost literally see the way he’s battling against himself. On one side, he wants to kiss the bejeezus out of you, while on the other hand, he wants to push you away and say, “Girl, you’re making my jeans tighter than ever but this heart only belongs to one woman, and as long as you’re not dressed in white spandex, you’re not her.”

The evil that you are, you plan to make it even more interesting. “Kiss me.”

Somewhere at the back of his head, a nuclear bomb explodes, killing half of his brain cells at once. “W-what?” Eren croaks out, sounding like he hasn’t spoken in years. 

You lean closer, your breath fanning his lips. God, your perfume, the scent of your breath—you smell so fucking wonderful. Sliding a hand up his chest, fingers gliding smoothly against the fabric of his shirt, you whisper again, “I want you to kiss me, Ren.”

“I—mmph—” His eyes close in reflex the moment your lips touch his, his eyebrows sewn together in the middle. You frame his cheek, bringing him closer to you than ever. For a moment, he succumbs, his fingers fisting the sheets underneath him. You press your body against him, and he wonders if you can feel his heartbeat reverberating on your skin. He lets out this cute little whine when he feels you parting his lips with yours, but the second he feels the tip of your tongue touching his, his body flinches and Eren breaks away.

“S-sorry.” He stands up abruptly from the bed, one hand shooting up to cover the bottom half of his face. His blush creeps up from his neck to the tip of his ears. He seems breathless, panicking out of his mind.

Your lips are just itching to exhibit a wicked grin but you pretend to be confused. “Is there something wrong?”

“I—I can’t—” He’s looking anywhere but your face, jittery hands moving animatedly as he speaks. “You and me—we can’t—I can’t do this with you—Not right now—Not when I’m—I can’t, I’m sorry, I can’t.”

Poor Rennie looks like he’s having a heart attack. “You can’t?” You’ve never taken any acting classes before, but you’re sure as hell this performance you’re doing right now deserves an Oscar's Best Actress nomination. Guess binging Euphoria all weekend has some perks after all. “But…” You perceive him with glassy doe eyes. “I thought you liked me…”

“I did!” He shouts out the words like it physically pains him to say them out loud. He’s losing his mind and it’s hilarious. “I did…” Eren goes down to his knees before you, his hands reaching out to take yours before he settles them on your lap. They’re sweating, and so cold. “I really liked you but…”

You start to feel bad but the sadistic villain inside you wants to see more so you just fake a sob. “But now… You don’t like me anymore…”

“Oh, God.” You, brushing your nonexistent tears with your fingers right now, are his kryptonite. “Please don't cry. No—no, it’s not like that! I like you!” he shouts, his eyes shaking as he peers into yours. “Jesus, I think I even loved you at some point and maybe I still do, I don’t know—I don’t understand my feelings right now, I just—”

“It's okay,” you say, trying to calm him down. You're a bit worried now because if this guy ends up passing out, that’s going to be your fault. “It’s all right, Ren… I know what you’re saying…”

He pauses to take a deep breath. When he speaks again, he no longer sounds as squeaky as before. “Listen to me,” he squeezes your hand, and even if his fingers are still trembling, they’re doing their best to comfort you. “I really, really do like you. Honestly? I was so obsessed with you before. I stalked you like a pervert. I took pictures of you when you weren’t looking. I've had your photo as my wallpaper for God knows how long. My video journals—”

Are all about me, you echo the words in your head as he speaks the same thing. Oh my God, he’s freaking out so bad, he’s telling every bit of his secret now. So cute. 

“I did all those things because I liked you and you should hate me for it—”

“I’ll never hate you, Ren. I want to be with you.”

You’re killing him. You can tell you’re killing him inside. “And you don’t know how much those words mean to me but the truth is, I’m—” He hesitates, still contemplating whether he should say the words out loud. He doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, but if he continues doing this, letting his desire overtake him once again, he’s only going to hurt you even more. He needs to make a decision. “I’m in love with someone else.”

You fake a gasp, even going as far as covering your mouth with both hands. “Y-you are?”

“Yes…” He answers in dismay. “I know maybe I should give myself some time to figure this out but I don’t want to be selfish. I don’t want to make you wait for me. I don’t want to make you feel confused. And I know it would be easier to love you instead of her—I don’t even know how she feels about me but… I can’t. I can’t deny that I’m in love with her. And it’s not fair if I keep doing this with you when I keep thinking about someone else. I don’t want to be that kind of person.”

He’s kind. Eren is always kind. He could’ve just dated you both if he wanted to, but he didn’t. “I see,” you solemnly respond. “Can you… tell me who you’re in love with?”

He nibbles on his lip, looking down when he says, “S-Spider-Girl.”

FUCK, YES! In your mind, you’re punching the air in triumph with Cardi B and DJ Khaleed throwing a party in the background, celebrating your victory. But if you take a look at the situation, how fucking ridiculous is this? Imagine if Spider-Girl wasn’t your alter ego. It would be like you confessing to that delusional nerd Armin, only to be rejected by him saying he’s in love with a random cosplayer whose real name he didn’t even know. Well, with Armin, it’s still a plausible thought. Ridiculous, sure, but plausible.

“I see…” You land a hand above your heart, pretending like it’s breaking when you’re really trying your best not to cackle like a madman. “Oh, gosh… I don’t know what to say… This is such shocking news to me.”

Colors drain from his face. “I’m sorry.” He looks like he’s the one who’s having his heart shredded apart. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you like this. I’m sorry for leading you on. I should’ve told you last night. You are such an attractive woman. You’re beautiful. You’re brilliant and you’re so kind and—”

Oh my God, he’s consoling me now. It’s getting harder and harder not to guffaw at his face. "Ren—"

“—I’m sure there are a lot of guys out there who would love to date you,” Eren says, his eyes drooping in sadness. “And I know this is a selfish thought but I hope we can… still be friends?”

God, you better be grateful I’m Spider-Girl ‘cause this feels like a terrible break-up movie and I’m livid. “We can,” you nod. “But only if you do something for me.”

Eren blinks, his eyes turning hopeful. “Yes, anything. Anything you want, I’ll do it.”

“Okay, then, sit down on the floor.” With a confused frown, he follows without a word. “Lean back.” You give two light taps on the railing of his bed and he rests his backside against it. “Good, now close your eyes. Don’t open them until I say so.”

“Umm… Okay…” 

“Promise me that.”

“I promise.” His furrow turns deeper when he senses you crawling up his bed. You position yourself behind him, lying down on your stomach with your elbows propping the upper part of your body. 

You lean close, whispering breathily in his ear, imitating the words he once said to you on the night he kissed you. “Can I try something I’ve never done before?”

He shivers. The way your voice echoes through his mind sends his mind reeling. “Y-yes…” It sounds more like a question and you almost laugh. He’s beyond nervous. 

Your hand slithers down his cheek before you hook your fingers on the underside of his jaw. You lift his face. His gaze would’ve lingered on the ceiling if he had his eyes opened but Eren keeps them pressed shut. Your touch feels burning on his skin. “W-what are you doing?” he stutters out as you take off his glasses.

“Telling you my biggest secret,” you murmur, leaning closer until you have your face hovering above his. He can almost feel your every word on his skin. “Do you trust me?”

“I—” He noticeably gulps. “I do.”

With an elfin smile, you lower your head. Eren softly gasps when your lips are connected. You’re kissing him upside-down, similar to the kiss he shared with Spider-Girl. You try to replicate the way he kissed you that night, starting out slow, giving him a light, innocent kiss. There’s no pressure on your lips, nothing to distract him away from how soft they feel against his. This is that kiss—your first kiss together.

And Eren remembers it. His body, his lips, his heart remember it.

A few seconds are spent with Eren holding his breath and when you pull away, whispering, “Look at me,” he slowly opens his eyes but they stay half-lidded, completely dazed. 

You stroke his cheek, your smile is an everlasting beauty. 

“I’m in love with you too, Rennie.” 

Your confession certainly comes as a shock, but it’s not as much as the way you called his name. Eren has his heartbeat ringing clamorously in his ears, his eyes widening at the pet name you gave him back when you were nine-year-old. His flashback hits him at once and it strikes him like thunder. He has never told anyone else about the little girl he met in the hospital except for Spider-Girl, and even then, he didn’t tell you that she used to call him Rennie. So how the fuck can you tell? 

Eren turns around, almost knocking his head against the railing as he does. “Wait—” He rises to his feet, both hands stretched out forward. He is mortified beyond belief. So embarrassed, that he wishes he can light himself on fire so he doesn’t have to deal with whatever the fuck that’s going on. This can’t be—she can’t be—

He catches you grinning at him no matter how much you try to hold yourself back. “Calm down, Rennie.”

“No, don’t call—” Oh my God, I can’t breathe—This isn’t happening right now—She—

You’re laughing—great, now you’re laughing—interrupting his thoughts and sending him even further down this endless hole of shame. “So, I’m your first love, huh? Been crushing on me ever since we were nine? Damn, didn’t know you were such a simp for me, Tarantula Boy.”

“No. No, no, no, no, no.” He only has one color on his face: red. “You can’t do this to me—”

“And you jerked off to my pictures?” You playfully scold him, stepping down from the bed and making your way to his spot. “Can’t say I’m pleased with that. Also, I can’t believe you kissed me right after our date ended. Not to mention, I had to save your ass again—”

Fuck, I can’t do this. Eren spins on his heels, literally trying to run away in shame as his brain turns into mush. He has one hand around the doorknob, ready to run and jump off the nearest bridge when you stretch out your arm and shoot out your web. Snaring him by his wrist, you pull him back toward you with a hard yank. With a startled yelp, Eren tumbles back, his body nearly crashes against yours but you catch him just in time. You flick the web off your wrist and tangle your arms around his neck. 

Standing on your toes, you press your body against his, meshing your lips together and laughing against his mouth in response to the muffled sounds of his protest. “Kill me,” he sighs against your mouth, followed by a strangled moan when you part your lips just to close them around his bottom one. “Just kill me now, please.”

“You sure about that?” You tease him, one hand sliding down his chest. “Cause I’d rather do something else if you ask me.” You nip on his lip, not being as gentle as before. 

Groaning in defeat, Eren frames your face with both hands. He decides to take control of the kiss as a way to make you feel just as flustered as he is now. He’s still awkward, his teeth almost knocking against yours but when his tongue slides inside, he manages to steal a gasp out of your mouth. 

You lean your entire weight on him, clawing against his chest as he winds his arm around your waist. “Easy, Tarantula Boy,” you giggle, still sounding mischievous albeit a little breathless.

“You’re evil.” Eren moves his lips to your jaw before he settles his head in the crook of your neck. “I can’t believe you played me like this. Is this the reason why you were being so aggressive today?”

“I’m sorry.” Your small laughter morphs into soft moans as his tongue slithers against yours again. Your fingers slip between his strands, your eyes closed in pleasure as you face the ceiling, giving him more access to nibble on the supple skin of your neck. “I didn’t mean to go this far, actually. I just wanted to tease you a little bit but—” Your sentence ends abruptly in a gasp when he seizes you by your waist and throws you down to the bed. His strength surprises you but the way he handles you so easily, losing almost all the tenderness in his touch, lights your stomach on fire. He crawls on top of you, pinning your hand down against the sheets before he smashes your lips together again. The sudden change in his attitude baffles you but you're quick to display your smirk again. “My, my, look who’s being so aggressive now.”

“Shut up,” he replies, face aflame, robbing you of the ability to speak. Eren kisses you deeply, almost frantically, demanding, plundering your mouth with his own, and you understand why. He doesn’t use his passion to cover his embarrassment, not like what you thought he was doing. He’s kissing you like this, like he owns you and you own him, because he’s been in love with three different people all this time, and all of them are now in his arms, in the shape of you. And, God, you are beautiful.

“Calm down,” you remind him again, sliding your fingers up and down his spine, effectively slowing down his pace. His bun is a mess, his strands falling all over the place, all designed by your eager hands. You play with the baby hair on his nape when he pulls away, your smile is too delicate to be real. “I’m not going anywhere. You don’t have to rush.”

His heart hammers inside his chest and it’s beating so fast, it’s frightening, but Eren loves it. He’s always felt this way when he was with you—with any version of you—but now that he knows you’re all of them, his heart beats three times faster. “I don’t think I can do it.” He keeps his face close enough for the tip of your nose to brush against his when he whispers, “I’ve been in love with the same girl for twelve years and now you’re right here and I’m… I’m going insane.”

He’s adorable. So adorable. “Well then, maybe I feel the same way…” You untangle his hair tie with one hand, pushing back his hair behind his ear before you caress his cheek. “‘Cause I’m sure I’ve been in love with the same boy for twelve years too.”

He melts in your arms, weak with the surge of joy that suffuses his body. “It’s hard to believe that you’re Spider-Girl,” he breathes out, resting his temple above yours, closing his lids. He seems so blissful, so relieved at the revelation. “But at the same time, it feels so right. This is the perfect moment of my life, I feel like I’m gonna die.”

“Don’t die just yet,” you titter. “You haven’t loved me enough yet.”

He breaks away with a peal of laughter flowing past his lips. “I’m already going insane because of you and you still want me to love you harder than this?”

“If you can.”

“So demanding.” He jokingly rolls his eyes. “That little boy in the hospital.” He twines his fingers around your wrist, bringing your hand closer to his face. He speaks his next words with his lips brushing against the lines of your palm. “Have you always known it was me?”

“No…” You’re entranced, eyes turning a bit hazy at the way his long eyelashes flutter against his cheeks. He peppers soft kisses on your skin down to the veins that paint your inner wrist. “I only realized it was you when you told me that story.”

“That night on the rooftop?” His pout returns. “You should’ve told me then.”

“Well, yes, but then I wouldn’t get to have this much fun.” You toss him your signature Cheshire Cat grin. Eren throws you a playful snort before he dives back to taste your lips again. “Plus, I was too… embarrassed to say a word back then. I’ve always thought you looked familiar but I had no idea that you were that boy.” You hug him close, breathing right against his ear. “You grew up so handsomely, Rennie….”

He’s buzzing with joy, every part of him is. “You’re really trying to kill me right now, aren’t you?” Eren tickles your side, making you laugh hard enough for his neighbors to hear. He takes in everything, the crinkles in your eyes, the way you have your mouth opened wide, and that adorable laughter you emit–he loves it all. “This is how I always imagined you to look underneath that mask when you laughed,” he confesses, settling himself between your legs. 

You play with his necklace, fingers hooking around his silver chain. “Are you disappointed that I’m not as feminine as I usually behave on campus?”

“Are you kidding? I love you more like this.” Your heart thrashes wildly, no matter how hard you tell it to stay put. Eren props his elbows on the bed, trapping you between his arms. He gently swats the bangs out of your eyes, taking his time to examine your every feature, using the chance to commit every part of you into memory. “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid my eyes on but it’s Spider-Girl whom I’m in love with, and I never cared about her looks. I care about the way she comforts me with her words.” He presses a gentle kiss on the center of your temple, stunning you with intimacy. “I care about the way she cares about me.” He drags his lips to your cheek, lips as light as feathers. “How she gets upset on my behalf when I blame myself for something that isn’t my fault.”

“Yeah, you do that a lot, it’s annoying,” you giggle and you can feel his smile growing on your skin. “What else do you care about?”

“I care about the way she uses sarcasm as her weapon.” His lips are now closing around your earlobe, letting you know the shape of his smirk as he speaks. "And how she gets snarkier when she's embarrassed, not knowing what to do when she receives a compliment."

You flinch, a little bit sensitive in that area. Especially when he sounds breathier like this, huskier as if he just woke up from his dream. “I thought I was irritating.” 

“Sometimes, sure.” But in his next lines, he abandons all the mirth in his voice, and he speaks sincerely from the bottom of his heart. “I'm kidding. I just find you endearing. I care about how you always pretend to be strong when you’re actually scared.” He grants a soft kiss on your nose, breaking away to look you in the eyes as he strokes your hair. “I care about how you seem like you don’t need anybody else in your life, when the truth is, you’re always searching for someone to be there for you. Just like everyone else, you’re scared of being alone.”

Your gaze softens, your stomach somersaulting at his words. “I can never lie to you, can I?” Your voice is not louder than a whisper, your lips only a breath away. “Ever since we were kids, you always knew what to say to me. You understood me more than anyone else.” It’s such a wonderful feeling to be with someone you can truly open yourself to. No secrets. No lies. No sweet nothings. No boundaries. “I wish we had never grown apart during those years. I would’ve loved to spend every moment with you. Growing up together. Being your best friend and making out with you on our school’s rooftop during lunch breaks.” You brush two of your fingertips against his lips, tracing the pretty shape of his mouth as he chuckles. “Maybe I could even give you that radioactive spider that bit me so you could be my sidekick and we could fight crimes together.”

“Your sidekick?”

“It’s kind of a package deal. Plus, I have better social skills. You're not ready to be a superhero, trust me."

"And why not?"

"'Cause even if you were able to kick some ass, you’d never win against your true enemy.”

“Which is?”

“The press. And Tony Stark ‘cause he’d just bully you like crazy without me.”

He just can’t seem to stop grinning when he’s with you. “Well, it’s not too late to start. I'm sure there's some radioactive spiders somewhere.” He gently bites on the tip, rolling your finger between his teeth. “Can you find me a tarantula, though? Spiders are a little bit overrated.”

“Of course, baby. Whatever you want.” 

Eren smiles, bestowing another kiss and letting himself drown in your taste for a minute before he pulls away with a pout. “You said you could never lie to me,” he mutters. “But you’ve been lying to me about your identity for three months.”

“Oh my God,” you groan, throwing your head back. “Stop being so butthurt about it. I said I’m sorry.”

He chortles, gathering your face in his hand again. “You’re so annoying.” He pecks your lips. “But I love you.”

“You’re such an idiot.” You pull him for another kiss, separating your lips to welcome him inside. “But I love you.”

Your kisses seem never-ending, and none of you complains about it. It’s so addicting, so exciting to have his taste lingering in your mouth, to feel the flick of his tongue against yours. Eren may be an inexperienced kisser, but he learns fast. By the time he regains confidence, it’s easy for him to steal your breath away, leaving you all dazed and needy for more.

You have your body squeezed against his, your heels hooked behind his waist, but you’re left feeling unsatisfied as you still have layers of clothing separating your skin from his. “Can I do something I’ve never done before?” you ask him with a cheeky grin.

Eren, who was suckling on your neck a second ago, elevates his face just to give you a flat stare. “Can you stop embarrassing me for one second?” 

“What, I can’t speak English now?”

“You’re using my words!”

“Since when are those words your words—It’s basic English!” Laughing, you roll him to his back, position yourself above his lap and watch him gulp in anticipation. With a naughty smirk, you slip your hand underneath his shirt, your fingers tracing the ridges of his abdomens before you bunch up the fabric in one hand and push it up to his chest. “Wow…” The word accidentally slips out of your mouth as you stare shamelessly at him. “Jesus, when the heck did you work out?”

“S-shut up.” He pushes down his shirt, hiding as much skin as he can from your hungry eyes while blushing like the virgin that he is.

Well, actually, you’re a virgin too, but at least, you act like a pro. “Why are you covering—let me see your abs!”

“No!”

“Wha—” You’re trying to pry his hands away. He’s pretty strong, and you don’t want to use your superhuman strength to pin him down just so you can marvel at his stomach (you won’t stoop that low).

“Stop trying to undress me, woman!”

You know what, if he keeps fighting you back like this, you might as well tie him up with your web. “Rennie, come on, just give me a peek!” Did you sound desperate? Yes. Are you desperate? Yes, times a thousand. “I’m your girlfriend, you know!”

“You literally just became my girlfriend like seven minutes ago!” He’s struggling just as much, keeping the hem of his shirt as low as possible. “Also, being my girlfriend doesn’t mean you can do whatever you like with my body! Ask me for my consent first!”

You see, he’s right. He’s totally right, but— “Babe, I can literally feel your dick poking against my thigh right now.”

“Y-yeah, but still…” Aaaaand he's blushing. 

“Huh. Cute. Now let’s get back to the game, darling.” You grab the hem of his shirt and— 

“No, wait! I’m not mentally ready and we're—” Eren gasps loudly—almost too dramatically—in both horror and surprise when you shoot two lumps of your web, snaring his wrists and keeping them glued on the bed right on each side of his head. He turns to face you again, his jaw dropping low when he speaks, “Did you just use your web on me?”

You did. Holy shit, you did. What happened to not stooping that low? “I-I’m sorry.”

“Just to see my abs.”

You palm your face, your cheeks blazing hot. “I’ll let you out—”

“You know Peter Parker wouldn’t do this to MJ, right?”

You sigh. You kinda wish you were bitten by a radioactive bunny so you could dig really fast and bury your whole existence inside a hole. “Well, I mean, I wouldn’t know–”

“Steve Rogers would judge you so hard right now.”

“Steve’s actually a kinky bitch. I’m sure he likes it. Look, just calm down,” you tell him, settling yourself on his lap while trying your best to ignore the way his cock is twitching in his pants at the sensation of your weight pressing against him. “I won’t do anything to you without your permission, all right? I'll act like a gentleman. A gentlewoman, if you must.”

“Oh, am I your lady now?”

“You’re acting like one right now, aren’t you?”

“Oh, shut up.” He yanks on his wrist, trying to break free but your web is unyielding. “Can you get this off of me? This looks ridiculous!”

No, it doesn’t. This looks kinky as fuck. Never have you imagined that you’d be using your superhero ability to tie up a handsome man on his own bed, but you learn something new every day, I guess. Trying not to stare so much at the way his biceps are flexing with every attempt he makes, you ask the most important question. “Are you nervous because you’re a virgin?”

“I’m not—” His face catches on fire. “I’m not nervous, I’m just—okay, yeah, I’m nervous.”

“Because you’re a virgin?”

“No,” is his first answer but then bashfully he corrects with, “Well, yeah, kinda. But I’m more nervous about the fact that you’re… not.”

“Not what?”

“A virgin.” He tucks his chin, his voice muted. “I just… I don’t want to disappoint you.” Because Eren knows that you’ve dated several popular guys on campus in the past. Porco Galliard, Colt Grice, even that notorious bad boy, Floch Forster at some point. How can he compete with that? He wants to have sex with you—God, he wants nothing more than to get his dick wet with the girl he’s been in love with for twelve years—but what if you’re not satisfied with him? What if he sucks (no pun intended)? What if he’s supposed to suck but he can’t suck properly? Like sucking on your tits, for example. What if he can’t suck them right? What if—

“I’m a virgin, though,” you say.

“Okay, you can do whatever you want with me. I’m ready.” 

That’s it. That’s all it takes for you to get his consent. The next thing you know, Eren has his shirt bunched up around his chest, your fingers splayed and pressed flat against his stomach. “Damn,” you murmur under your breath, eyes transfixed on the way his muscles tighten underneath your palm. “If I had known you looked like this underneath that hoodie, I wouldn’t have wasted all these months keeping my identity a secret.”

His blush blossoms fast on his face, flinching when he feels your fingertips tracing the dip of his V-line. “I—I thought you were trying to keep your identity a secret to protect me.”

“Well, yeah, that too, but—” You brush your pads against his navel, feeling the little happy trail that disappears behind his jeans. He lets out this little sound, like a mix between a yelp, a whimper, and a moan, and it’s so fucking cute. “I think I’d be okay with you getting kidnapped once a week if I get to do this every day.”

“It feels so weird to have a hot girl talking about me like this, but okay.” Eren, despite how bizarre this conversation is getting, still has his focus on how to break himself free from your webbing. “Can you do something about this, please? It feels sticky on my skin.”

“No.”

“What do you mean 'no?' I can’t touch you if I’m like this!”

“Yes, that is the point, now shut up.” To Eren’s surprise, you casually yank your dress over your head, tossing it haphazardly on the floor and leaving you only in nice lacy lingerie that matches the shade of your lipstick.

“Fuck me,” he mutters under his breath, his gaze quickly shifting down to your chest. He gulps at the sight. “B-badonkers…”

“Excuse me?”

“I mean, your tits—your breasts!” He stammers. “They’re—they’re perfect. Like, the shape of them and how they look so… so soft and…” He clears his throat, realizing just how much lame he’s being. “You know, like a really nice pair of natural, fully functional breasts.”

You scrunch up your nose at his words. “Are you going to be like this the whole time?” You reach one hand behind your back, unclasping your bra.

“I… hope not…” He’s staring with unblinking eyes, practically salivating at the sight of your breasts bouncing once as you position yourself better on his lap. Fuck, they really are perfect. “A-are you sure you’ve never done this before?”

“You mean sex? No.” You lean forward, crawling up his body until you have your face hovering above his again. “Why?”

“You just seem awfully calm and—” You leave him speechless for a good few seconds when you press your breasts against his chest. Eren whines, closing his eyes as he throws his head against the bed. “Fuck.” 

Your lips twitch up into a smirk. “Soft, aren’t they?”

“Like fucking marshmallows.” He dreamily sighs—almost sobbing, really. “Can I have your tits in my mouth, please?”

Perhaps sometime in the future, when you look back into this scene again, you’ll have the biggest cringe moment in your life because what the fuck is he asking but right now, everything just seems so hot, you don’t even care. “Yeah, but maybe later once I’m done with you.” You reward him with a kiss to distract him, stifling his protest. “To tell you the truth, I’ve gone to second base before but I’ve… never gone past that.”

“Oh… Why not?”

“Just didn’t feel like it was the right thing to do at that time,” you answer with a shrug. “I almost did it with Porco but… It felt like I was missing something so I stopped him at the last minute.”

There’s jealousy burning inside him, but the revelation also provides him some relief. “I see…”

You can sense it, the tiny hint of fury raging in his chest and you nuzzle the tip of your nose against his to soothe him down. “Are you jealous?”

“No.” 

He is. He so is. “Would you like it if I said I was waiting for the right person?” You slide down one finger from the middle of his chest to the dip of his belly button. “Waiting for you?”

“N-no.”

He would. He so would. “You’re cute.”

“Stop calling me cute—ah!” A moan is snatched away from the back of his throat the second you grind your hips against him. Even the slightest friction drives him insane and now he has you rubbing your clothed heat against his bulge. “Fuck, baby, that feels good.”

You recall the way he called you by that pet name on that night you shared your first kiss with him, and as pleasant as it was in your ears, this one feels a million times better. It’s laced with urgency, desperation, and need. “Can I take off your jeans?” You ask him, even when your fingers are already playing with his zipper. 

“Are you going to ask me questions the whole time?”

“You said you wanted me to ask for your consent.”

“Yeah, fuck that. Do whatever you want with me. I’m yours.”

You almost laugh. “Well then, don’t mind if I do,” you say, a moment before your lips meet in a frenzied kiss. Eren arches his back, wanting to close every inch of gap between your skins until he feels like you’re completely plastered against him. He can feel your hand sliding down his stomach, toying with the button of his jeans before you push them down to his mid-thighs, along with his briefs. With a sheepish smile, you maintain eye contact as you curl your fingers gently around his shaft.

“How does it feel, Rennie?” You keep your face close, loving his expression. “Feels good?”

His chest rises and falls with rapid breaths, his face scarlet and erotic. “Feels ama—”

Right at that exact moment, Zeke Jaeger comes bursting inside his room with a phone in his hand, recording everything as he shouts, “AHA! CAUGHT YOU GUYS IN 4K! I knew you wouldn’t be studying–” He freezes at the sight of you stroking his sibling’s cock, your naked breasts practically dangling over his face, and for a second, none of you make a sound.

And then, it’s chaos.

The three of you are screaming at the same time, with you quickly grabbing the nearest pillow to cover your front, completely forgetting to throw a blanket on your poor boyfriend who’s practically buck-naked on his bed. Eren, with his wrists still glued to the sheets, can only spout out incoherent words, while his brother, who’s so horrified at the sight of Eren’s cock, spasming and leaking in desperate need of attention, can only stand still, his brain unable to function. It’s only until Eren screams, “ZEKE, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM!” that he returns to his senses, whining out, “DINA, MY BROTHER IS FUCKING BEFORE ME!” as he runs back into the kitchen.

You hastily jump down from the bed, shutting the door and locking it up. “Use your web,” Eren says, “He has a spare key. He can still barge in anytime.”

“I think he saw us,” you utter in horror.

“Yeah.” 

“If I drop him off the building and make it look like an accident, do you think you’ll be okay with that?”

“Will I be okay with you killing my brother after seeing your boobs and catching me getting tied up to my bed and being dominated like a fucking masochist by my girlfriend?” Eren watches his cock wilting away. “Yes.”

“Well, not killing. I’m just gonna punch him hard enough to give him like a massive concussion or something.”

“No, no, no. Let’s just stick to murder. I like murder.”

***

AN: Hi, everyone! It took me a while but I finally got to finish this series. I wanted to write a small epilogue that will feature a funny scene where they get to lose their virginity to each other but since I'm pregnant with my second child now, I don't think I'll have the energy/time to do it, I'm sorry 😭😭😭 I hope you enjoyed the story despite how cringe this is (I'm never gonna do comedy again oh god what was I thinking). Anyway, thank you so much for reading! I'll see you next time!

Tagging:

@l6ffys @vivi-et @halparkebitch @fwess @littlemochi @thebeardedmoon @didiyogo @coyloves @erenbean @tehehebri @justasketch @infnteen @naiomiwinchester @spiderlingh @doyochii @ahornyenby @aengelren @sakurashell @princess-okkotsu @resonancesoul @blrqt @cacapeepee @persyhange @jaegersdiary @erentoes @trashygremlin04 @meed18 @j0livi0ni @snowflake-201 @eva-gates @claudevonstrukesblog @sofijaeger @rinsie @blanccofiie @ereninbunu @natanialora @khinjito @jaegeriess @watermelon-online @tropicsoda @damselofblueroses @alexackrman @bblgumz @jurrasicpork @erenjaegercult @holycandypizza

[losthomunculus]

Online Safety Relevant to the Current State of the Internet

On twitter I made a tweet about how online safety lessons in school can be very out of touch but that the advice of people who are familiar with the current internet shouldn't be disregarded. So here's my informal collection of online safety tips

Sources: unrestricted internet access since elementary school (not recommended), being a formerly involuntarily home bound person for several years that amassed way too much online experience

This could possibly hold upsetting reminders to people who had bad experiences online including mentions of grooming and emotional manipulation so please proceed with caution!

Information Sharing

Make an online pseudonym for public profiles and websites.

Don’t feel like you have to list everything about you for the world to see.

Sometimes it’s not a question of “can this information be used to locate and identify me irl?”, but simply “do I want this information publicly available and linked to my online persona?”

Unlike offline, being online leaves a constant trail of who you were accessible at all times. People are constantly growing and changing. Try to limit the information you share so you can ditch that trail and start over if need be.

Sharing information with people you make friends with and trust is a judgement call on your part, but always be on the safe side and be protective of your information.

Start as cautious as possible with online safety. Any risks or judgement calls can come later when you are 1. aware of the risks, 2. ready to address them if they occur, and 3. have gathered plenty of information instead of doing something blindly and hoping for the best.

Do not share your triggers publicly, they can very easily be used against you. Instead use websites with a large amount of filtering options to curate your online experience. If you are going to share them, only do it privately with people you trust.

Importance of Boundaries

It doesn’t matter how mature you are, don’t enter age limited spaces you don’t qualify for. It’s disrespectful to the boundaries of the people who made that space. Boundaries like this exist for the comfort of both sides involved.

Just because you can “handle it” doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Desensitization is not something to brag about.

Venting or making r18 posts as a minor on a public account is VERY dangerous. Intense emotional vulnerability is something manipulators will look for as a way to get to you. The same with sexual jokes to develop your comfort talking about those topics casually and eventually escalating the situation. If you are going to talk about such things please keep that in private conversations with people you trust in your age group.

Note the difference between public and private online space. Tweeting something on a public account is not the same as having a conversation in the cafeteria with your friends.

If an adult tries talking to you about r18, run the other way. Doesn’t matter how cool you are, it says something weird about THEM if they’re willing to talk to a minor about that stuff.

If someone( like 3+ years, honestly depends on how old you are) older than you wouldn't be comfortable saying what they're saying to you in front of other people (like a teacher or guardian), that's suspicious as hell. Run in the other direction.

The younger you are, the more age gaps matter. There's a bigger difference in development between a 13 year old and a 17 year old than there is between a 20 year old and a 24 year old. It helps to try to contextualize it with real people instead of numbers. Instead of thinking "oh just 4 years? that's not that weird" consider "oh. that would be like a freshman (13/14) dating a senior (17/18). yikes."

Be just as wary of people your own age talking about things that make you uncomfortable. Just like irl, sometimes you’ll meet people your age that are hurtful.

Friends complain to each other and talk about their issues, that alone is fine. But when people are doing it without permission, draw a line. When people are making it feel like you’re responsible for maintaining their mental health, you need to draw a line. When it starts to effect your mental health, PLEASE DRAW A LINE! I know it feels like your responsibility sometimes, but it’s not. You cannot be there for others if you’re not taking care of yourself first and foremost.

Don’t be afraid to block people. Even for petty reasons. It’s good to block people. Don’t force yourself to see stuff you don’t want to see.

Being Constantly Online

The 24 hour news cycle is not a good thing to follow 24/7. Taking social responsibility is a good thing, but your brain is NOT built to worry about every issue in the world at once. One strategy I use for staying sane is I try to only check the news once a day, and if something needs more attention to set aside an amount of time I’m going to focus on it before I need to take time to step back.

Touch grass. Not literally, unless you can in which case I highly suggest it, sometimes it’s just good to lay in a field. What I mean is you need to dedicate a good portion of your time to being offline (sleep does not count). What your offline time looks like is going to differ depending on your level of ability, but even if you are house bound it’s important to build some hobbies that don’t rely on the internet. Talking to people offline is also a good goal if possible, even just to your housemates.

Social etiquette greatly differs online and offline and sometimes the reminder that were all just Some People gets lost behind the numbers and the fabricated personas. Keep in mind the difference in how information is shared without forgetting that the fact we are all people remains the same.

Be generous with your etiquette. You will avoid a lot of stress if you conduct yourself with the same politeness you would have in an offline interaction. Master the art of "minding your own business" for your own sake.

Arguments and Competition

As soon as you can, you need to internalize the fact that leaving an argument is not losing.

It is inevitable you will be exposed to many people who disagree with you. Some people only want to argue to rile you up. Sometimes that’s not their intention, but it’s what they’re doing. You do not have to remain in conversation with people, especially if they’re not interested in actually coming to an understanding. Even if they are interested, sometimes they just suck!! Leave!! You can leave!!

On that note, sometimes you are going to get valid criticism and it’s going to hurt. That is part of learning. If someone says you messed up and did something hurtful, take a second to step back from your defensiveness and consider: intent ≠ effect. Apologize, repair what you can, and move forward with the ability to do better in the future. You’re going to mess up every once in awhile, it’s inevitable.

To summarize the past two points: don't waste your time on unnecessary hostility but don't close yourself into an echo chamber either. Debates should be about learning.

Sometimes people are not going to like you. This happens offline too but people tend to be a lot more blunt online. Sometimes people dislike you for no reason or for really petty reasons. That’s not your problem, move on.

Don’t actively seek out people you don’t like or who don’t like you to argue with. Whether or not your side is the “right side” doesn’t matter, it’s going to cause you so much unnecessary stress. Feel free to keep posting your opinions on your own profile but don’t seek out unnecessary conflict.

This is a different type of competition than previously mentioned, but be aware of the danger of comparing yourself to other people. Especially if you’re a creative or student, DO NOT GET SWEPT UP IN THE GRIND CULTURE. It’s more subtle in some places than others, but anytime you see the notion that you should be working yourself to the bone be VERY critical. Also be critical of any online cultures (such as gaming and art communities) that brag about unhealthy habits or act like it’s ~part of the culture~ (ex: all nighters, not taking breaks, getting hurt. Any activity that neglects health to work toward a goal).

Not just grind culture, any community of subculture that shares anti recovery sentiments is a huge red flag. Even if they're joking, it's not worth the risk of internalizing those statements.

Everyone’s social media presence is to some degree doctored because it’s a purposefully selected collection of what they allow you to see. It’s fine to like the persona you see being displayed, but never forget that it is not reflective of the entire person. Everyone online is JUST SOME PERSON. Do not forget that and start holding yourself to a standard you can’t even see every side of.

By posting online you are opening yourself to criticism. Whether or not it’s justified can vary, but either way it’s going to happen. Mute stuff, go private, disable comments, etc if you need to.

Misc Tidbits

these are technically just general info that is also good for offline but I have seen things that make me think people online need the extra reminder.

Learn what cults are, how they recruit, and what they do to their members. I'm not kidding. This is particularly relevant at the moment because of current societal unrest and widespread loneliness. No one is immune to cult propaganda, and not every cult is based on pre established religion or family. Many exist ONLINE and are able to manipulate people without ever meeting face to face. (learn more: Loneliness as a Pandemic: The Dangers of Online Cult

Familiarize yourself with the concept of pseudoscience. Please familiarize yourself with the concept of pseudoscience and then learn how to identify pseudoscience. (learn more: Karl Popper, Science, & Pseudoscience: Crash Course Philosophy #8)

Q. How do I know if a source is reliable?

Final Thoughts

It's important people of ALL ages learn these lessons, because the internet is constantly changing and we are all vulnerable when in the presence of other people.

Be cautious and stay safe

[yourtoradorasextendedwarranty]

How do you feel about lolis? Both real and fictional lolis?

Lolis is a complicated topic because people stop listening when they get the answer they want. I've been a lot more open about this lately but I'm a person that's was sexually abused as a child. And that's important context for my answer.

Loli as a term can mean a number of different things. If you ask an anti what it means, they will say kid. If you ask some anime fans, they will say it's either kid or small girl. The context in which I know Loli to be, is more centered around the Japanese definition, which means petit girl. The implication does not always mean "child like" contrary to popular belief. It means more small girl with small assets. Like Rebecca from Cyber Punk Edge Runners. Trigger "a studio in Japan" themselves called her a Loli.

So by that vein short stacks, and vertically challenged people/dwarfs qualify more times than not as Loli. However, even with all of this said, I personally don't like calling real women lolis because it feel like to me Loli is a term meant for fiction. We in the West tend to use, regardless of if they are offensive, words and phrases like midget, dwarf, short stack, petit, etc to refer to girls that could potentially fall under the qualification of "Loli".

My biggest issue with calling real women that is that I don't like mixing fiction and reality. Especially not anime. Anime isn't hyper realistic art. And people should not go out of their way to mix fiction and reality because they are not the same. As far as Loli in anime I don't really care here or there about it. Some Loli characters are "of age" some are not. But regardless of depicted age they aren't real.

Now I guess the next logical question would be an I against the under age Loli nsfw stuff. And the answer is a resounding meh. Don't get me wrong in the slightest. I personally find even fictional non realistic kids in nsfw to be gross. And to those it bothers, I understand that. However, they are fictional. And unless it's against the law where a person is, leave it be. You don't even have to associate with that person. You can even block them.

But saying a person that likes lolis is a pedophile is a stretch. Reason why? Because there's a trend of people looking fictional characters and character traits they otherwise would not like in real life. On a similar note, saying that it could lead to pedophilia is like saying playing shooter games will least to a person going out and shooting people. Or that people that play fighter games will go out and start fights. But there are dozens of studies, all showing that violence in videogames has no translation to causing it in real life.

Similarly, there are people that like chargers in anime and gaming who wouldn't like real life versions of those characters. Because they are invested in the characters IN the fiction specifically.

Lastly, I think it bares me saying it. I think consumption fictional nsfw kid stuff is raunchy. But as a real person who's fallen prey to actual sexual assault when I was a kid, do not EVER put fictional content on the same level as what happened to me. They are not real. They can be any age the author/artist/person in possession of says they are. They are not real. And, so long as the artistic depictions are not hyper realistic do not report it. Because on the US it's only illegal if it's pictures of real kids, or is clearly realistic enough to look similar to a real life kid. If you report anything else you are wasting resources that could be used to help real kids.

And do not be ever let me hear in person that a person legitimately reported anime Loli to the authorities. Because if I ever meet them, even as against violence as I am, I will hurt them. When sexual assault cases are being investigated, minutes matter. Especially with groups as vulnerable as kids. And when you submit an inquiry that takes minuets away from their ability to sift through all the BS reports that are otherwise unactionable. Meanwhile, while they are done a cursory check maybe there was another submission BURIED under the reports of anime Loli, where it's a real kid or real kids, and it's not gotten to until the next day.

As such tl;dr Real people should never be called Loli unless they want to be. Loli are not by default kids. Fiction and reality are not the same. Do no bog down reporting lines on non hyper realistic fictional content or you are an evil person who wants to have children be harmed.