#does it count as meta ? i honestly just rambled.

[cyb-by-lang]

I kinda already commented and it felt weird to do it again? So I thought I’d ask here instead:

I just saw a post on tumblr that Batman did try to kill Joker and Superman stopped him??? And it was because Joker was somehow linked with Iran, and couldn’t be killed cuz it would start a war. And other Batkids also tried to kill Joker???

I’ve honestly always thought Batman didn’t kill Joker cuz he’s too popular a villain so it was just sort of waved off because of ‘Batman rules’ and publication reasons.

Is Batman almost killing Joker included in your fic? I have very little knowledge of the comics and hearing about newer versions overwriting previous stories makes me even more confused.

Congrats to you for having unlocked a secret level of rambling through deciding to send an ask rather than a comment. This would totally have ended up on AO3 below your comment. :p

And it is going below the cut because it's long as hell.

The scenario you've heard about was from the original run of A Death in the Family, which is the story arc where Jason was killed back in the 80s. In the aftermath of Bruce finding Jason dead (and Jason's birth mother dying shortly thereafter), he hunts for the Joker after realizing that the warehouse explosion didn't, in fact, kill the clown. Somehow (racism!) the Joker ends up being appointed as the Iranian ambassador to the UN. This was later retconned to the fictional country of Qurac, because even DC realized that was a step too far. In the scene after that fun little reveal, Superman is on hand to try and keep shenanigans to a minimum, the Joker predictably tries to gas the entire UN assembly chamber anyway, and then flees via helicopter. Batman, who has been trailing along this entire time in a rage, pursues.

He's planning to kill the clown. Superman, for reasons related to "we don't whack ambassadors and start wars," has been holding him back for the arc thus far. Helicopter pursuit turns into a helicopter fight, during which the Joker's henchman fires a spray of bullets that kills the pilot while everyone is on board and having a bad time. Batman exits the aircraft alive, intact, and furious, and doesn't give a single shit if the Joker died when the chopper hit the sea.

And then a month later the fucking clown comes back again like nothing happened. Only the entire setting has undergone a serious tone shift since Jason's death, which means you're gonna see a lot heavier, dramatic stories that have more significant body counts. Batman cannot get over the death of his son, because no, and eventually Tim Drake pops up in the middle of that death spiral with a hypothesis: "Batman needs a Robin."

He's not wrong.

He also doesn't go about it super gracefully, including an attempt to convince Dick to come back to the Robin mantle that goes nowhere, but eventually he convinces the Dark Knight to take on a third Robin. Unlike Dick and Jason, Tim is locked the fuck down for training and not allowed out in the field willy-nilly. And when he does go out, he is ferociously competent.

Incidentally, this is because the writers/editors realized that after the child murder storyline they'd just done, Batman had to have one hell of a reason to ever take on another kid sidekick. And they needed to try and drag the Robin role's popularity back up, since killing a kid sidekick was also a symptom of DC's tanking sales at the time; the whole thing was ultimately a publicity stunt. It was a bad idea and now we just live with it.

So Tim is, broadly, never portrayed as incompetent in any aspect aside from maybe high school socializing. I don't think he gets kidnapped even a tenth of the number of times Dick did during his decades-long career as Robin. Certainly never falls for a honey trap plot or anything like that.

But yeah, the meta reason why the Joker never dies is because he's an iconic villain who drives plots. But unless you step out of the main continuity, he's also never just been a "no-frills funny" villain since.

ANYWAY.

As far as the rest of the Batfam taking a swing at the Joker, there's one incident that I can recall off the top of my head.

Dick Grayson, currently Nightwing, wasn't especially close to Jason while he was alive. During Jason's original run, they had a cordial (if brief) relationship, but they basically didn't get any storylines together, so it's hard to really tell how strongly they bonded. After Jason died, Dick began experiencing...I wanna call them chronic night terrors. The idea is that a boy in a Robin costume is falling, and falling, and Dick can never save the kid.

I'm sure it has nothing whatsoever to do with his dead brother, no sir.

So, some time later, the Joker gets told he has terminal cancer by a psychiatrist who assumes that if the clown was convinced he was going to die, he might try reforming or something. A terminal turnaround. Lots of people do that, right?

He assumed wrong.

The Joker goes on an utter tear, doing all sorts of escalating villainy that starts with gassing everyone he can get his hands on, including other Arkham inmates. Somewhere amid this rampage, Robin III goes missing and the Joker cheerfully tells Nightwing that yeah, he killed the kid. And he has the gall to bring up Jason in the middle of all the gloating. By name. (The Joker knows Jason's name due to some nonsense involving Crane and Fear Toxin hallucinations and Batman in a prior story arc.)

And Dick

fucking

SNAPS.

Pummels the Joker right there on the floor. Barehanded. No sticks, no pausing, just beats him to death.

Two seconds later, a very alive (if hurt) Tim manages to get there and go "oh god what happened." Because Dick is not doing well! He has a crisis about killing a dude, no matter how terrible. He never thought he'd go that far.

Batman swoops in and resuscitates the clown. In the time between Jason's death and The Joker's Last Laugh, he has apparently decided that it's more important to keep Dick from suffering a breakdown than it is to kill the clown. DC editorial was gonna keep him alive either way, but whatever.

And now for the third part of my ramble.

As for Under the Red Hood, Jason's death is seriously streamlined for the film. In this version of events, none of the UN chicanery happens. Ra's al Ghul hires the clown for a distraction job while trying to crash the world economy (again) and whoops, the clown killed Batman's son. Crowbar, bomb, whatever. Before Jason's body can be buried, the League of Assassins steals it, hucks Jason into the Lazarus Pit, and now he's alive again!

Except, given how he died and how long he spent dead and how that interacts with the magic, he wakes up as a berserk ball of rage and pain, kills two of Ra's al Ghul's guards with his bare hands, escapes, falls into a river, and disappears.

...So much for making that whole thing up to Batman. The League of Assassins just quietly lets Bruce bury a latex dummy and doesn't ever bring it up.

Cut to Gotham, years later, when Red Hood is tearing up the place and Batman goes "Ra's al Ghul, what the fuck" and the whole story comes spilling out.

In A Ninja's Guide to Gotham, Jason's dropped hints in his narration that he was actually with the League of Assassins for a while, even before going 'round the world training with assassins and stuff. The Lazarus Pit just got him back to full functionality. So, you can assume it leans more on the comics' "spontaneous resurrection" scenario.

If Bruce ever tried to kill the Joker while Jason was dead, Jason doesn't know about it. And because we haven't been in Bruce's head, there's no indication either way.

(Bruce makes mention of how easy it would be kill the Joker in the film, but that he could never come back from doing so. It is not specified if he made the attempt or just thought about it a lot.)

I've been holding back on Jason's and Bruce's accounts of events because they're both owed a moment of dramatic catharsis (and shouting). You can generally rest assured that it'll be more likely to be a mix of events than a pure account of any one take on what happened in the warehouse that day.

Thanks for setting off an exposition bomb~

[meltedfuckingmarshmallow]

warning: rambling about Jonathan Byers/Jancy from someone who hasn’t rewatched the show in a while

i honestly cannot stand people who say that jonathan deserves to get cheated on because he’s a bad boyfriend/distant. i literally cannot count on one hand how much horribly traumatic shit this guy has been through that would prompt him to push people away!!! and while i agree he should put more effort into his relationships, it’s kinda hard to be as loving and caring as he used to be when he is constantly at risk of death/losing someone he loves. and the fact that people think that stancy is so much better despite the fact that steve and nancy have been shown time and time again to have very different goals in life/plans for the future. let’s be real, nancy wheeler will not be content with six kids and a winnebago, even if there’s a hot husband thrown in there. she has aspirations!! she always has!! being tied down to a picket fence and a crying baby is so distant from her character!! why everyone is suddenly so pro stancy is beyond me. ALSO the people who vilify robin and say that she wants nancy to cheat/break up with jonathan piss me off so bad. robin wants the best for her friends, and despite everything nancy is HAPPY with jonathan. we all saw the reunion hug!! so even if robin DOES want nancy for herself, she won’t ruin her relationship for it. as always don’t take any of this seriously and don’t treat it as meta i just had to get this off my chest yknow

[festive-unserious-fellow]

Y'know, I've said this before and idk how common a misconception this is anymore, but the act of true love that saves Anna in Frozen is NOT Elsa hugging her corpse. The act of true love that thawed Anna's frozen heart was throwing herself in front of Elsa, fully prepared to die so her sister could live. The cursed individual must preform the act of true love, not have it preformed towards them. I've seen a lot of people complain about how Olaf tending the fire so Anna wouldn't freeze to death right then and there should've counted, but it didn't because again, Anna had to preform The Act. I do wish somebody in-universe pointed that out at some point but fuckin- whatever it's whatever. I think the movie should've dug into that concept a little more, really, because it speaks to the fact that, no matter how hard you try to change someone with a *metaphorical* frozen heart, in the end, it's really up to them wether they change their ways or not

I find it ironic and honestly kind of cruel, in a meta-sense, that Anna, arguably the most love-filled person in the entire movie, had to be cursed like that. Usually, in fairytales, that kind of curse would be put on somebody deemed incapable of love by the curser. It's why the Beast in Beauty & the Beast is cursed, and I uh. I can't really think of any other examples off the top of my head but I think you get the point. Anna didn't need to learn that lesson, though. I don't think she even REALIZED she needed to preform the act of true love until after the events of the movie, if at all. It is, once again, a very interesting concept that I wish the movie dug into a little more. I've said it before and I'll say it again: FROZEN NEEDED MORE TIME TO TELL ITS STORY IN A SATISFYING WAY. The writers present so many genuinely interesting concepts, one after another, and then barely scratch the surface of their potential because they're too busy trying to keep the plot going. It's really frustrating.

I uh. Don't remember where I was going with this. Eeeehhhhhh fUCK IT this is my blog I can ramble about whatever I want lmao

Edit: So, upon rewatched the movie the other day, it turns out Olaf DOES point out that Anna was the one who preformed the act of true love, and in a way that was just obvious enough that it makes you wonder how anybody missed it, but just subtle enough that at the same time I can kinda see why? Idk Im writing this at fuckin 3am my thoughts are a fucking mess...

[grim-glasses]

Absolutely unhinged Grelliam rambling

(To save time, please assume that each paragraph begins with "in my opinion" because this isn't a meta post, I'm not trying to be like "omg they're endgame and this is Yana's vision" I'm mostly talking about my creative process and the transformative nature of fanworks. My fanworks specifically.

Note: The Tale of Will the Reaper does not exist to me. I Do Not See It.

Not sure if I'm just experiencing Visions or what but I do think that Grelliam could be endgame with quite honestly only very small amounts of character development

I was struggling with writing the ship for a while because I really liked it but as it stands Will and Grell have like 0 chemistry and really REALLY fall into that 2010s-era "sexually inappropriate dumbass x emotionally stunted asshole who beats the shit out of them & we're supposed to find this cute and funny because it's the 2010s" dynamic

So I was really struggling finding a way to like. write that dynamic in a deep, meaningful way. Because in order to do that, you have to take it seriously, I think? You either have to take it seriously and consider them a couple that is uncomfortable with each other or dial it back into something you can work with.

The problem is, as side characters, if you take that away, there's nothing left. Grell is just some weirdo with a crush and Will is. wallpaper.

The only solution, thus, is to develop it. And I finally "solved" Grelliam in a way that works for me.

You seeee, I initially thought Will was The Problem. So naturally, if I crafted some sort of scenario in my head where he changed to accept and reciprocate Grell's feelings, that should fix it, right?

Wrong.

The problem was, I still didn't believe it.

It didn't work for me at all.

Even if you headcanon him as demi, which I do, there's still this strange sense of mismatch, that Grell is over-performing in a way, or perhaps... over-compensating?

I sat with this weird Grelliam mismatch for months trying to come up with some fanfic plots, some ideas, something to compel me, but I really could not find any appeal in a love story where only one person is transformed. It turns Will into a problem and Grell into a solution.

But then I realized that Grell is, in fact, also a problem.

Her feelings and expressions are WAY too over-the-top to be believable or even... genuine. I started thinking about what she said to An right before killing her (in the anime, anyway, bc I've watched that scene more than I've read it)

Also I'm paraphrasing because I'm not about to go look up the scene just to get the quote right in some absolutely unhinged Grelliam ramble

But it was something along the lines of "what use are you to me if you're just another woman?"

Because Angelina hesitated to kill Ciel. Because she showed weakness.

From this and Grell's attraction to Sebastian and Will, I think it's fair to draw the conclusion that it's not aloofness she's attracted to, but resolution, stoicism, drive, immovability. We can guess that she's not lithro, because she was in a reciprocated relationship with An.

It's displays of excess emotion and vulnerability that turn her off.

That being said, I don't think she knows just how deep her feelings for Will go. I think she's counting on him to never, ever break. To never cry, to never bleed, to never smile. I think she feels very safe in that.

That needs to go.

I think, the Inciting Grelliam Incident, the moment that shatters the status quo into a million little pieces on the floor, that changes everything

Is

That

Will needs to show some kind of weakness

And Grell needs to keep loving him anyway

I could keep going but I ran out of steam anyway my point is I can write Grelliam now because I finally have an idea of what I want their fucking dynamic to look like

[turquoisetuber]

All of this:

🌺- Which family member(if any) is this oc closest to?

🌵- How does this oc feel about physical affection?

🌾- How does this oc get along with people they just met?

💧- What is this oc most passionate about?

Ur sillies!!! (Any of them)

ill give you all my main 5 for each!! under cut tho so my ramble doesnt kill peoples dash XD

"Which family member are they closest to?"

🌟 (Jade) - Of her biological family? Absolutely her twin sister. She and Hazel are teammates forever! And of her adooted family it's Meta Knight. He knows EVERYTHING about her and they are ALWAYS there for one another <3

🔥 (Hazel) - You'll make her pick?! If she HAD to, it'd be Jade... but Ev is her bestie, too... oh, but Mirage and Bee.. And Optimus-you know what? She doesn't have to choose.

❄️ (Everest) - His sisters, for SURE. Those girls had him when nobody else did.

🎶 (Vander) - His older cousin Santiago! I mean, he's his only living relative... But for his in-laws, probably Ev! They've been best friends forever, so...

🪞(Peri) - Dark Meta Knight. He's really the only biological family she trusts. But... Cloud's close second.

How does this OC feel about physical affection?

🌟 - Depends... She doesn't really like getting touched by strangers.

🔥 - Sure, why not? They're either a new friend, or someone who she'd easily flame in a fight.

❄️ - Absolutely not, unless you're family.

🎶 - He loves it! Autism be damned, he LOVES to show his affection via hugs.

🪞 - Uhh... She doesn't get it. But... If that's what makes people feel nice, then she'll take a moment of mild discomfort. (Her boyfriend and mirror world family do not count in this equasion)

How do they get along with folks they just met?

🌟 - She's quiet, she's shy, but boy, they can tell she's a sweetheart. People love her!

🔥 - She comes off as a bit... much. But she means well! Even though she sometimes scares people.

❄️ - DEFINITION OF RESTING BITCH FACE. He doesn't have many friends because he scares people off... uh, way too often.

🎶 - He seems to be a well mannered Hispanic boy! He's quite a sweetheart.

🪞 - She's, uh.... Mean. On accident, but she isn't exactly *looking* for new buddies. *All the time.*

What is this oc most passionate about?

🌟 - Her family and friends, and protecting them!! <3 But she also loves reading!

🔥 - Everything. I'm not lying, everything she does gets her all!

❄️ - He REALLY loves ghost hunting! He doesn't get to go it as often as he'd like, but he loves it!

🎶 - Music! He's a producer!!

🪞 - Honestly... She isn't sure. But... She loves her role of protecting the mirror world!

THANK YOU FOR THE ASKS!! this took forever <3

[thatgirl4815]

I am 86% sure that Kinn knows that Porsche is bothered by much more than the punishment. I just rewatched their scene in Ep5 after Porsche returns from Yok’s bar, and if you follow their conversation closely, I think the truth of it comes out just from how they respond to one another. 

Porsche: “At least they’ve done me no harm.”

Kinn: “Are you saying that I’ve hurt you?”

Porsche: “Or have you not?”

Kinn: “Don’t you forget. Your life is mine. I can do whatever I want.”

Porsche: “Then go ahead. C’mon. Do it. What are you waiting for?” 

*Cue Kinn leaning in and pulling back just before their lips touch*

At surface level, they’re talking about the punishment. But the fact that Porsche tells Kinn to “do it” and “What are you waiting for?” proceeded by Kinn leaning in close makes me think that Kinn knew exactly what he was talking about. A dare of sorts. “What are you waiting for?” = “I dare you to try to violate me again.” 

I also think Kinn began to sense his resolve melting under Porsche’s gaze (coincidentally, the very thing he’s been hardening himself against) and leaning in was a challenge to himself, of sorts. Through it, he is simultaneously telling Porsche that he is nothing special to him, while also trying to convince himself of the same thing. By closing the space between them, Kinn is confirming that he knows what this is really about: how Porsche feels violated. He is acknowledging what happened between them and re-asserting (to himself, mostly) his control over Porsche--when really we, the audience, know that it is the other way around. Porsche has Kinn in an emotional chokehold, and if he could see that...well, I can only imagine how that conversation would go. (I mean, can you imagine what Kinn would’ve done if Porsche would’ve closed the space between them? The man’s entire world would be rocked.)

So, yes. I think Kinn knows. But nobody wants to be the first to bring it up verbally, so they’re just trapped in this tense dance around the subject.

[eruanee]

Parallels between the Student Council Arc and the Apocalypse Arc

Well, at first I was only rambling about it on my private Twitter and then I told myself I could maybe make a post because you know, why not. 

This is obvious but just in case: spoiler warning for the whole series. And since it’s Utena, a lot of this post is “just” my personal interpretation of things.

I don’t know what are the feelings of the community as a whole - but I think I can say that the Student Council Arc is the less interesting Arc of Utena and a lot of people would agree with me. Not that it’s bad, it is just, as I said, less interesting. It’s actually amazing how the show gradually gets better and better throughout the whole thing. 

I personally enjoy the SC Arc overall but it only has a few worthwhile episodes to me (even the comedic “fillers” are better in latter arcs) - episodes 7 and 10 (because I love Juri and Nanami) but most importantly episodes 9, 11 and 12. 

Utena is full of parallels. All the time. That’s one of the many reasons I’m so obsessed with this show - I FREAKING love parallels, and the SC Arc is filled with elements that only (painfully) makes sense once you rewatch the show. 

So let’s start with episode 9 if you will - one of my personal favorites. First of all because I (shamefully) really like Saionji as a character. And honestly ? The coffin scene gives me chills every time I watch it. This episode confused me the first time I watched it because I obviously couldn’t grasp what it exactly meant. It offers such a violent contrast with what the series has shown so far. It shows a fondamental scene of the series for the first time, moreover it reveals a glimpse of what the show will turn out to be as it gradually gets darker. This is completely a built-up for latter arcs, especially Apocalypse. 

So what do we learn ? Well, Touga, like the scumbag he is, wants to convince Utena he is her prince, so he can emotionally manipulate her and wins against her, as he wouldn’t have any chance to win otherwise. He also wishes to get rid of Saionji for reasons and tricks both of them in that extremely weird scene where Anthy appears into a coffin. Touga wants to remind Utena of her own coffin, so she can at least start to doubt he is her prince after all. 

At this moment, we know a part of why Utena wants to become a prince - she wants to win over her hopelessness against the cruelty of life. To her, it means becoming a prince and nothing else. So Utena wants to save Anthy, because the prince has to save the princess. Utena still doesn’t remember that she has been doing this all along for Anthy’s sake and her sake only - but she already knows she wants to help Anthy. She doesn’t know why but she must help her. 

This scene very obviously foreshadows the ending - Utena pulls Anthy out of her coffin. The only difference is that, this time, Utena has caught Anthy’s hand. She still doesn’t fully grasp how harmful the Prince ideal is but she perpetuates it by protecting Anthy as if she was her prince. 

Another foreshadowing element I really love in this episode is how the castle seems to crumble and fall on Saionji and yet everything is back to normal afterwards. This is another element that indicates the castle is a mirage before we learn it for good in episode 38. This is also interesting to note that it’s on Saionji it’s falling, the same Saionji who said in episode 1 that the castle was only a “trick of light”. Well, Saionji has been extremely dumb and naive in a big part of the show (repressed homosexuality and envy do that, apparently) but from the very beginning, he was right about that. He just didn’t know how right he was. 

Let’s switch to episodes 11 and 12. In episode 11, Utena wants to convince Anthy and then Touga that Anthy actually wishes to be a “normal” girl. Anthy appears to be sincere when she says she wants friends and stop being the Rose Bride (and I believe that it was, indeed, how she truly felt). Yet, Touga (Akio’s right-hand man and one of his favorite puppet) denies her this humanity. Well, Akio hasn’t appeared in the show yet and Touga is the antagonist of the SC Arc, so he has to “replace” him. 

Ultimately, Utena loses to Touga. Her breakdown after it makes me so incredibly sad, honestly. Look at how hurt she is, how dearly she already loves Anthy. She has seen such a small part of Anthy’s burden yet and though she is already confronted with the fact she can't do anything to help her. To free her from this cruel Rose Brise role. 

And so, Utena goes through the same cycle she will eventually repeat at the end of the series :

Anthy is taken away from her. She is forced to repeat the same cycle once more. In the SC Arc, it’s “only” leaving with another duelist, but in Apocalypse Arc, it’s taking the Swords of the World Hatred for Akio’s sake. Which will lead to repeat the duels all over again because Akio will never be able to open the door. 

Utena doubts herself and her ability to become a prince. She’s a girl after all, that must mean she is powerless. And if she is powerless, she can’t save Anthy. For a moment, she conforms to what the world tells her she should be - a weak princess, who can only be protected by the prince. The color code of Utena’s Rose Bride dress is very close to the feminine uniform of Ohtori. 

Utena finds the strength to fight back.

But what is the difference between episode 12 and episode 39 ? Well, many things actually. (Or it would be bad plot and character development.) 

As I said earlier, in the SC Arc, Utena conforms to the Prince ideal. In episode 12, she doesn’t exactly fight for Anthy, even if I completely understand why she would want to get her out of Touga’s stinky hands (this was also my wish as a viewer). Still, she fights to get her pride back. To get her princely nobility back. Winning Anthy back just happens to be her way to do it. After all, at this point of the series, Utena still ignores many things. She haven’t met Akio yet, she also doesn’t know who he really is. She doesn’t how awful Akio and Anthy’s relationship is yet. And most importantly, she doesn’t remember why, in the first place, she wished to be a prince. 

She forgot she promised to become a prince out of pure empathy after witnessing Anthy’s eternal agony. But in episode 39, futhermore after preventing Anthy from committing suicide and everything this scene implies, she remembers.

This time, Utena breaks the cycle. She doesn’t take part in the duel system anymore, as it did nothing to lessen Anthy’s suffering. It’s only reinforced it. She opens the door by expressing her remorse and her love for Anthy, what Akio has never done and never will. (Or at least, not sincerely.) She opens Anthy’s coffin but she lets go of her hand. Anthy realizes she never needed a prince in the first place and leaves Ohtori on her own. And that’s how Utena accomplishes what she has always meant to do. The Rose Bride doesn’t exist anymore. The duels can’t go on anymore. The power of Dios will never be taken back. 

But she didn’t save Anthy. 

In my opinion, Utena very purposely let go of Anthy’s hand. She just wanted to touch Anthy’s hand. She wanted to show her there are people in this world who genuinely loves her and wants her to be happy. 

“I love you Anthy, I hope you’ll forgive me and know I forgive you too. Please be happy. Someday, together, we will shine.” This is how I see this scene, and this is honestly the gayest (and most heartbreaking) thing ever. 

Utena thought her only way to have a significance in the world was to conform to the prince ideal, while all she did was to perpetuate a cycle of endless suffering. Yet, from the very beginning, her feelings were pure. She wanted to be powerful enough to help and save Anthy. She only forgot you shouldn't save people in order to become a hero or a powerful figure. You should help them out of pure empathy and sympathy. Or in Utena and Anthy's case, out of pure love and care.

Utena is about breaking the cycle of abuse. The show itself constantly repeats and breaks the structure it has introduced. It genuinely turns me insane. 

On a side but not really unrelated note, I think a lot about No One Has Anything to Tell, the duel theme in episode 12. It’s one of my favorites. First of all because it SLAPS but also the more I listen to it, the more I feel like the lyrics fits episode 39 better.

No one has anything to say. There's nothing to be said about anything. Except in the enclosed darkness called yesterday. Except in the momentary flash of light called now. Except in the darkness, awaiting the light of tomorrow, in the theater.

There's the possibility to be anyone. There's the possibility to be anything. Except in the enclosed darkness called memory. Except in the momentary flash of light called creation. Except in the darkness, awaiting the light of tomorrow, in the theater.

(...) A flash and it's born, a flash and it fades. Born and then gone, I, the jewel. A flash and it's born, a flash and it fades. Born and then gone, I, the star.

(translation)

I feel like the last verse is about life being so short it can look like a sudden flash to the world, but I also think it could be about Utena’s disappearance from Ohtori because she rejected its system. 

I think about this show way too much. I finally got this out of my system, maybe I can finally focus on college work from now on. 

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 322: IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME

Previously on BnHA: Endeavor was all, “Kirishima please take Hagakure and Aoyama and put them away somewhere out of sight until we’re finally ready for the U.A. Traitor Plot.” Shouto was all “HEY DEKU DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU THAT MAYBE YOU WANDERING THE STREETS LOOKING LIKE A GOTH PRAYING MANTIS IS EXACTLY WHAT AFO WANTS.” Deku was all “I’M SORRY I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF MY CRUSHING MARTYR COMPLEX AND ACCUMULATED TRAUMA.” Mineta was all “HEY DEKU YOU SWEET THANG, IF I COULD REARRANGE THE ALPHABET I’D PUT ‘U’ AND ‘I’ TOGETHER, ANYWAYS HMU 💖”, or at least that’s what fandom apparently thought he said. Everyone was all “WELL SINCE WE’RE BACK HERE IN KAMINO WE SHOULD DO THE THING” and did the whole “launching someone into the air to save someone by dramatically grabbing their hand” thing that everybody fucking loves to do in Kamino so damn much. Iida was all “[bombards me and Deku with feels].” Deku was all, “ू(ʚ̴̶̷́ .̠ ʚ̴̶̷̥̀ ू).” I was all, “(;*△*;).” Horikoshi was all, “my work here is done.”

Today on BnHA: 

oh my god.

so I finally went back to look at what I wrote up for 321 last week, and it’s a hot fucking mess lol, and I really don’t want to deal with that right now, so we’re just gonna skip it and go back sometime in the next few days or something because I really want to read the new chapter and I have no self control. I’M SORRY IIDA

oh my god he’s breaking out the narration word bubbles oh my god. shit is about to get epic isn’t it

has there ever been a chapter that opened with these that WASN’T epic? serious question. anyways all aboard the Feels Express I guess

YEP

I saved a bunch of other crying kaomojis when I was looking for ones to use in the “previously on” summary, and right now it’s looking like that was a good fucking decision you guys. if I’m going to be an emotional wreck I might as well do it in style ʕ ಡ ﹏ ಡ ʔ

AND BY THE WAY!!

SHOULD I JUST THANK HORIKOSHI NOW AND SAVE MYSELF SOME TIME LATER. THE MAN ALWAYS FUCKING DELIVERS WHAT ELSE CAN I FUCKING SAY GODDAMN. IS IT TOO EARLY TO DECLARE THIS MY NEW FAVORITE CHAPTER? I SHOULD PROBABLY READ FURTHER THAN ONE PAGE BUT I’VE JUST GOT A FEELING

(ETA: it’s like. maybe my second favorite lol. A HUG WOULD HAVE PUT IT IN FIRST, I’M JUST SAYING.)

anyway so Ochako is releasing Iida, which is actually hilarious, because idk if you all know this but Iida can’t fucking fly you guys

like, I assume Ochako released him because she already knew that Kirishima was in place to catch him, but I really love this split-second of panic on Iida’s part where he’s all “HMM, IS OCHAKO TRYING TO KILL ME, ACTUALLY”

LOL THERE’S A THOOM AND EVERYTHING

that’s some plus fucking ultra on Ochako’s part right there. “IF THEY DIE THEY DIE” goddamn girl did you leave your chill in the same locker as Momo or what

now poor Kiri is all “DAMMIT DEKU ARE YOU PASSED OUT OR WHAT, I DIDN’T GET TO TELL YOU MY THING GODDAMMIT”

oh my gosh he is curled up so small you guys oh my fucking lord

RESIDUAL “LOST CHILD” FEELS FROM LAST WEEK COMING IN FOR A LANDING!! PLEASE MAKE SURE YOUR SEATBACKS AND TRAY TABLES ARE IN THEIR UPRIGHT POSITIONS OMG ( ˚͈͈͈͈̥̆ ₍₎ ˚͈͈͈͈̥̆ )

LMAO IIDA IS TRYING TO CONFIRM THAT OCHAKO PLANNED FOR KIRISHIMA TO CATCH HIM, AND KIRISHIMA IS ALL “NOPE I’M JUST HERE BY CHANCE BRO”

Ochako is the U.A. Traitor confirmed. Hagakure I am so sorry I doubted you. Ochako get over here. so are you Toga now or what

anyway so now everyone is running over before Iida can react to this casual announcement of his attempted murder. and now Mina is taking her turn, and Horikoshi is all “HEY BTW IS MINA CRYING ON THE LIST OF THINGS THAT MAKE YOU CRY?” and of fucking course it is, you bastard. I’m not made of stone

( ɵ̥̥ ˑ̫ ɵ̥̥)

SLDKFJLSDKJ:LKWEJ

IS THIS THE PART WHERE I JUST START SCREAMING INCOHERENTLY FOR THE REST OF THE CHAPTER LOL. SURE FEELS LIKE WE ARE GETTING TO THAT TIME

OH MY GOD KACCHAN AHHHHH

I CAN’T OMG LOL I ALREADY GLANCED AT THE NEXT COUPLE OF PANELS, AND HE’S STARTING A WHOLEASS MONOLOGUE ABOUT ALL OF HIS DEKU FEELS AND OH MY GOD

“HERE YOU GO MAKESTE, A WHOLE CHAPTER OF ALL YOUR FAVORITE META TOPICS JUST THE WAY YOU LIKE THEM” THANK YOU HORIKOSHI YOU’RE A BRO (っ˘̩╭╮˘̩)っ

SLKASODIFALWKFLKJ

THEY’RE JUST DEKU AND KACCHAN. holy shit you guys. because oh my god, but it’s like when Deku was talking to the Vestiges about saving Tomura, and he turned into his little child self because his heart and intentions were so pure?? and it’s like that again, except that we’re seeing them as their child selves because that’s who they are to each other?? like, not that they actually see each other as children, but just, they can see past all of the stuff on the outside and see each other to their cores, to who they are inside, and when they look at each other they each simply see the other boy that they’ve known their whole entire life. idk?? does that make sense??? DOES ANY OF THIS EVEN MAKE SENSE I DON’T KNOW WHAT WORDS ARE ANYMORE I’M JUST SWIMMING IN FEELS OKAY. I’M TRYING HERE

they’re just boys, is what I’m trying to say, I guess. just Deku and Kacchan. all the walls are down, all the gaps are bridged, and all it is is the one boy reaching out and connecting with the other, and just,,, (꒦ິ⌓꒦ີ)

OH MY GOD [GRABBING YOUR SHOULDERS AND POINTING WORDLESSLY] !!!1LK1

DO YOU ALL KNOW WHAT THIS IS YOU GUYS

HOW PERFECTLY FUCKING RAD. WELL LET ME JUST ENJOY THESE LAST FEW SECONDS BEFORE MY LIFE IS FOREVER CHANGED, I GUESS

OH

MY

GOD

CAN HE EVEN SAY THAT??? IS THAT EVEN LEGAL??? IS HE EVEN FUCKING ALLOWED TO SAY THAT. WHAT IS HAPPENING

OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!

─=≡Σ((( つ ◕o◕ )つ

GET IN HERE, EVERYONE!!

Y’ALL HE REALLY DID IT. “BAKUGOU IS SUCH AN ASSHOLE HE HASN’T EVEN APOLOGIZED” WELL GUESS FUCKING WHAT. GUESS FUCKING WHAT, YOU GUYS!! LET’S FUCKING GOOOOO ((((／￣∇￣)／＼(￣∇￣＼)))) AHHHHHHHHHH

OHHHHHHHH

HEH. I’M ALREADY DEAD, HORIKOSHI, YOU BASTARD. DO YOUR WORST. GO ON

YOU CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON “US”, HE SAYS. ALONG WITH A BUNCH OF OTHER STUFF OMG. KACCHAN, YOU STUDIED!! YOU UNDERSTAND!! PREACH!!

OH NO!!

OH WAIT!!!!

LOL I GOT SCARED THERE FOR A SECOND BUT ANYWAY! EVERYONE GET IN HERE!!! GROUP HUG!!! OR WAIT, NO, WHAT ABOUT -- [GRABS YOUR COLLAR URGENTLY] YOU DON’T THINK -- COULD THEY POSSIBLY -- !!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ARE YOU GONNA HUG!??!?!?!?! I AM NOT OKAY!!!!!!! !!!hgk

REACTION PANELS LOL EVERYONE ELSE IS ON THE EDGE OF THEIR SEATS TOO WE’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER

LOL OCHAKO

I KNOW THAT IN REALITY THIS FACE IS JUST BECAUSE SHE’S CONCERNED ABOUT DEKU’S FRAGILE STATE RN, BUT I KEEP THINKING ABOUT THE WAY SHE JUST DROPPED IIDA COLD THOUGH, AND I CAN’T HELP BUT FEAR FOR KACCHAN’S SAFETY LMAO. THAT FEELING WHEN THE CLASS PERV AND THE CLASS BULLY BOTH BEAT YOU TO THE LOVE CONFESSION. KACCHAN WATCH YOUR SIX

OKAY BUT LOOK, IT’S NOT THAT I DON’T LOVE ALL OF THE OTHER KIDS, OKAY, BUT CAN WE PLEASE!??!?! HELLO?!?!? MOMO, JUST -- COULD YOU JUST FOR A MINUTE --

NOOOOOOOOOOO

“DON’T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, I HAVE TO SAVE SOMETHING FOR THE FINALE” HORIKOSHI YOU BETTER WATCH OUT, I’M COMING FOR YOU WITH A TWO BY FOUR!! NOT THAT I’M UNGRATEFUL!! BUT JESUS CHRIST, YOU CAN’T JUST DO THAT, AND THEN ALMOST DO THAT, AND THEN NOT!! OMG I HATE YOU

sure let’s cut to Thirteen then, yay. I mean I’m glad they’re alive lol, don’t get me wrong

(ETA: I think that might have sounded a bit sarcastic so I just want to clarify that I really am happy Thirteen is alive and on the job again lol.)

it’s just that if your name doesn’t begin with Baku or Deku I honestly am not interested for just these next five minutes okay lol. like I’m just gonna be completely honest. I am too invested lol, please, they were having a moment, JUST LET ME HAVE THIS PLEASE

OH DAMN U.A. GOT SWOLE AF

THIS SCHOOL HAS BEEN JUICING WTF. I THOUGHT YOU WERE TARTARUS LOL

I’m literally not even reading the speech bubbles though omg I’m so sorry. I really hope there is not a quiz, I promise I will come back to it later scroll scroll scroll

okay so they brought him back to U.A. and he’s all tired and out of it yes

oh goody Hagakure knows all about the security system

(ETA: is it just me or is Horikoshi really laying it on thick with the hints about these two guys lately? I’m on to you sir.)

THAT’S WONDERFUL NEWS. GLAD THIS CRITICAL KNOWLEDGE IS SAFE IN THE HANDS OF THE PEOPLE THAT WE TRUST

ffs Deku

WHAT WILL IT EVEN TAKE TO CONVINCE YOU THEN?? SWEET JESUS

-- holy shit, what??!

they know?? how did they find out??! holy shit???

I’m about to cancel the whole of Japan lmao. fucking try me dudes

-- THE PRINCIPAL!?

NEZU GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!! WHAT THE FUCK

“a ticking time bomb” tell you what, this man is just asking to be punched in the face. literally begging for it omg

(ETA: I have been advised that I misread this part; Rat Principal told everyone how safe U.A. was, but he’s not the one who ratted out Deku; that was “the rumors”, apparently. which, if I had to guess, were probably started by AFO.)

oh I see, so it’s to be Feels, Part II then

he looks so sad and tired and lonely and she goes right for the hand, god bless. though if Kacchan’s not gonna hug him, you’d think someone would at least. or is it because he still smells bad. hmm

AND THE CHAPTER’S ENDING ON HER LOL WELL OKAY THEN

I MEAN IT’S GREAT AND ALL, I LOVE OCHAKO REALLY I DO, BUT WE WERE PROMISED GREAT EXPLOSION MURDER GODS, WHAT GIVES SOB. I WAS ALL READY TO BREAK OUT INTO SONG AND EVERYTHING. SURE, HE DID THE APOLOGY, BUT WHERE IS THE FOLLOW-UP GODDAMMIT

(ETA: just to clarify the reason for my rambling here, I was really waiting for the hero name reveal and the presumed deeper meaning behind it lol. but I guess that is a conversation still to come! and we still need Deku’s response to the apology too for that matter. lots to look forward to still.)

WELL WHATEVER, SO THAT IS THE END OF THE CHAPTER! SHOUT OUT TO MY BOY RAT “LET ME JUST TELL EVERYONE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD ABOUT DEKU’S SUPER SECRET IDENTITY, I GUESS THAT’S ALL RIGHT NOW, NOTHING BAD COULD POSSIBLY COME OF THIS” PRINCIPAL. listen here you little shit

anyway but if you’ll excuse me... IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME. IF I COULD FIND A WAY. I’D TAKE BACK THOSE WORDS THAT HAVE HURT YOU, AND YOU’D STAY. I DON’T KNOW WHY I DID THE THINGS I DID. I DON’T KNOW WHY I SAID THE THINGS I SAID. PRIDE’S LIKE A KNIFE, IT CAN CUT DEEP INSIDE. WORDS ARE LIKE WEAPONS, THEY WOUND SOMETIMES. BUM~ BUM~ BUM~, I DIDN’T REALLY MEAN TO HURT YOU. BUM~ BUM~ BUM~, I DIDN’T WANNA SEE YOU GO. I KNOW I MADE YOU CRY, BUT BABAY, IF I COULD TUUUUURN BACK TIIIIIIIIIIIME...

[alovelyburn]

Rambles about the Conviction Art Part 2

Long time(ish) no see.

Honestly, I wasn’t sure I’d have much to say about the Conviction arc because as much as I love Berserk in every iteration, I usually just talk about Griffith all the time. Because someone has to.

That said, I was pleasantly surprised at how much I ended up thinkythinking about Lost Children. So here we go.

Rambles about the Conviction Art Part 2

1. You know, one of the reasons Berserk gets stiffed on adaptations a lot, I think, is STUFF LIKE THIS, i mean look at them. A bunch of naked murderous monster children is just hard to animate and air, even in Japan (which is less twitchy about some things and more twitchy about others). I mean there are ways around it, just put some pants or furry legs on them or something, but it does prove more challenging than say JoJo’s.

So at one point Miura had said that the more he wrong the monsters the more human they became, which is how we eventually ended up with the grey morality haven that is Berserk. I think Rosine is really where this starts to become really evident - Griffith is one thing, because we get to see him break down and fall apart, and that makes him more human and makes his decision more understandable to people who have critical thinking skills (sorry, I just can’t).

But Rosine is a different story. Because we first meet her as an apostle during the leadin to the Eclipse, and she immediately participates in the slaughter of the Hawks - even the pre-Sacrifice slaughter, right alongside the Slug Count. So when we first meet her, she’s “just” a monster like the Snake Baron and Slug Count (although obviously the Slug Count was humanized  by the end of his story as well).

But that makes her appearance here more interesting, because outside the context of the Eclipse, she doesn’t seem nearly as monstrous. ..and yet she is? In different ways, which becomes clear later obviously. I’m not sure what I’m getting at here actually - I guess something like....

Rosine is a sign of what’s to come with Apostles. Because from here forward none of the Apostles we meet or get to know are really fully awful, are they?

The Lost Children story itself is interesting because it’s a transitional story and I don’t mean between the Golden Age and the primary timeline, I mean between the original Black Swordsman arc where Guts is presented as this terrifying destructive force who doesn’t (tries not to) care about anyone or anything except his mission to being the more, I don’t know, chill? Character he becomes as the story goes on. So here you see more of his monstrousness than you do in later chapters, but at the same time he has more of his Hawks personality infused into it, as well.

Boy was that a lot of talking to say not much. MOVING ALONG.

2. Guts used to be a lot more... “human”? Like he got injured more often and struggled with it more than he does now. It was also much harder for him to beat Apostles.  That’s not a complaint just an observation. It does make me wonder how he survived until he met Puck though because Puck stitches him together so many times in those early chapters.

Sometimes when I’m doing these things I reach a point where I kind of have to decide whether to talk about thing from a meta perspective or an inworld perspective. Because those are different things and they point to different comments. For example, if I were going to talk about Guts and his issues with elves from an inworld/character psychology perspective I would say he cant deal with elves (and especially elves trying to heal him) because of Chichi, the innocent little elf girl who healed him so much she ran out of power and died. But if I were talking about it from an out of world/meta perspective, I’d say I feel like Miura was writing Guts as a person who cant stand weakness because he’s an edgelord and eventually he decided to go back and justify that decision by creating ChiChi.

This comes up a lot in the early parts of serialized stories because writers are still discovering and creating the character as they go along. But it does make these things interesting to talk/think about. I hope that makes sense. Long story short its the watsonian vs. doylist thing again.

3. Anyway, Guts and the demon fetus. Back when it was first born post-eclipse, Guts was kind of conflicted about what to do about it - he considered killing it but he looked pretty upset about the idea. Now, two years later? Not so much - he really does try to kill that fetus at least twice in these two pages. And then...

Coming so soon after all that time with Hawks!Guts, seeing him in full Black Swordsman mode is pretty jarring, and I mean that in a good way. Even so, you can see the way writing the Golden Age changed Miura’s vision for who Guts is as a person because...

...just  a few pages later, you have him nearly killing himself to protect Jill, a little girl he doesn’t know. The thing is, Guts was never as big an edgelord as he tried to be - a lot of that was just a pose from the beginning, and you could see it even in the BSM arc - it was in the way he was tormented by the need to leave people to their destructive fates, the way he covered it up with hostility, and the way he cried after the slug count story.

But there is a difference even so, because as of Lost Children you do start to see him acting on those ‘better’ impulses instead of stuffing them quite so hard down the cold practicality hole for lack of a better term.

That said, he does have a soft spot for kids, which I imagine helped spark that too.

3. Writers tend to repeat a lot of themes and plot turns because... a human being has only so many things they can do or conceive of, and those things mostly speak to whatever resonates with them personally. That being the case, a lot of times when I point out parallels I honestly am not sure how deliberate they are - it could just be that Miura was very interested in this kind of thing, but...

Doesn’t the Peekaf story kind of mirror Guts’ journey in the latter parts of the Golden Age arc?

For those who haven’t read it in a while, Peekaf’s story is basically that he was a boy in a village where he felt he didn’t belong due to his pointed ears and red eyes. For years he always thought he was in the wrong place, with the wrong parents because he was so different than the other villagers. So one day he he snuck out of the village and went into the elf forest, where he discovered that the elves had the same coloring as he did. He thought he’d found his people, but as it turns out, it wasn’t that he was an elf, it was that the elves had used their magic on him and changed him to save him. But he really was human. So he ran back home, but it was too late - due to a time differential, time had moved on without him, and everyone he knew was gone.

It just makes me think about Guts, spending all those years with the Hawks feeling unsure that was where he should be before he ultimately decided to be proactive and head out only to discover that he had been where he should have been the whole time... but only after that place had been destroyed in his absence.

Guts’ reaction to that story is... understated, but the sweat drop and the trail off makes me think he sees himself in that story too. The thing is, it’s not just about the Hawks although that is the obvious primary example. It’s about that thing he keeps doing -throwing away things he loves and places he should have stayed without even realizing what he’s lost until it’s too late.

4. Rosine, though, she reminds me of Griffith - escaping her difficult childhood with dreams and collecting worthless junk  - the comparison is even made explicit when the narration specifies her junk was “the king boys would consider treasures” - plus of course the behelit.

And, of course, after a particularly bad night (when she shows up at Jill’s window, she’s bruised and her dress is torn) she escapes her fragile human heart by sacrificing the ones she loves and hates the most. I don’t really expect a lot of sympathy from Guts given his history with apostles and the fact that he’s incapable of holding a grudge against Gambino for being a wildly abusive father, but it really is a sad story.

There’s the other Griffith parallel too - Rosine’s remaining draw to Jill as the only friend from her human years. In her case, as in the Slug Count’s, it’s a much more overt emotional connection -- not to mention there’s no ambiguity around where the feelings come from, but it does seem to be something of a theme.

5. That’s the most golden age Guts has looked since the Golden age. 

6. You know, the whole “join me in the darkness” thing going on with Rosine and Jill is very sweet, and I’m sure Rosine means well, but I would like to point out that she can only create those tiny personalityless bee-elves. It’s not like she’s asking Jill to become an apostle as well and just rule over the elves with her. This is something I’ve been thinking about since time began -- at least every time someone brings up Rosine and Jill in a romanticized manner (not necessarily romantic romanticized but just like, I guess idealized). And, again, I don’t think she’s necessarily thinking about it in those terms - Rosine is living her personal fairy tale regardless, and I think she genuinely considers her pseudo-apostle “elves” as her court or her family etc, but, you know.

I believe Rosine is also the first apostle capable of creating pseudos that we’ve seen, unless you count the Slug possessing his soldiers but thats not really the same thing. I do wonder if this is something any Apostle can do and some just choose not to do it, or if the function is specifically dependent on an apostle’s core concept. The fact that she can create two different types of pseudo-apostle (albeit both bug themed) in the elves and the forest guardians does make me wonder  if it may be a universal apostle ability. That may not make sense on the surface of it, but I guess my logic is something like... creating elves is part of her self-definition - the thing that made her an elf-girl when she accepted the Sacrifice. That being the case, it makes sense that she would have that ability if the ability is determined by her “concept.”  But I don’t see what making forest monsters has to do with it, you know?

It kind of reminds me of Vampire Lords and their subordinate vampires or, alternately, of Vampires and their ghouls in the World of Darkness setting.

7. ...no real reason to put this here, I just think it’s amazing.

Also, I’m not really one to think that Berserk needs light moments to stave off the darkness - I’m fine with all darkness all the time, trust me -- but sometimes some silly shit happens and it’s just amazing.

8. This is getting long and also the Farnese/Hawk of Darkness stuff is obviously the focus of a storyline quite soon, so I’m going to leave is mostly here, but i will point out that not only is the armor seemingly meant to evoke Griffith, there’s a woman on Farnese’s helmet with Griffith’s hairstyle.

... I mean Miura did use that hair a lot, I’m not saying it’s deeply meaningful but it is pretty interesting in the context of the armor itself referencing Griffith (and, tbh, evoking Satan from Devilman, who is basically Griffith’s spiritual parent as a character).

Also, the visuals on the Holy See’s symbol during this conversation are fascinating. The increasing prominence of the symbol as the scene unfolds has some of the effect of a slow zoom. The choice to have those specific lines overlap the most prominent panel, the one where the symbol is literally drawn glowing, draws attention to Guts’ importance to Griffith as well - Farnese is suggesting that Guts is the Hawk of Darkness due to his consistent proximity to major disasters, but of course we as readers are aware that Guts isn’t the Hawk of Darkness (or any kind of Hawk at all really). But we also know Griffith is, and we know that Guts was, at one point, the most important thing in Griffith’s life. This seems deliberately done to draw attention to the birdlike shape of that symbol and the implicit relationship Griffith has to the Holy See.

9. And, getting to the violence, I think it’s noteworthy that the strength of, at least, a pseudo-apostle seems connected to their strength in light. A stronger human produced a stronger bug-man. I wonder if this follows with Apostles as well? I kind of think.......

I’m not sure. It may have some kind of loose correlation but I’m inclined to think it isnt as simple a 1 for 1 with Apostles, as so much of their form and abilities seems to be formed by their desire and their inherent nature. In short, they are in many ways self-defined whereas Pseudo-apostles are themed for their creator rather than themselves and they lack the same kind of agency that true Apostles have.

Also, the one thing that I do regret about Guts taking on the berserker armor, aside from it being kind of less attractive as armor (to me) than the original Black Swordsman gear, is that the battles became less strategic. Seeing him work through difficult situations was pretty satisfying, and it also helped stave off the assumption that Guts is kind of stupid that I see sometimes.

Cool cool, leaving off here for now. For the record I know some people have specific arcs that they like a lot, and it’s great when I see them get excited about my getting to an arc. I do sometimes wonder if I’m going to skip over something that a person was specifically waiting for reactions on... I do that! If I see someone watching or commenting on something, I always have a few points I’m hoping to see their thoughts on.

POINT BEING, FOR THE RECORD, if that happens you can always feel free to hit me up and ask about it. Sometimes I forget to say things I meant to get into, so who knows, I might be like FINALLY A CHANCE TO TALK ABOUT THAT THING.

[pikahlua]

Star versus the Forces of GOT’EEEEM

Okay, I finally have, like, interesting thoughts about the current manga arc. So here’s the outline of my mini-ramblings:

Y’all sometimes let Horikoshi play you like a fiddle and honestly? you should keep doing that

Was I right? Or was I right?

American exceptionalism (no, not like that)

BUGS

New Order: Star can step on me

Star is Katsuki-coded (and really, did you expect any less of me than to say something like this?)

WOW are we finally getting something truly AFO-centric?

Nerfed or no?

Okay but WHAT IF-?

(The bolded sections are probably the most important in terms of serious meta.)

Y’all sometimes let Horikoshi play you like a fiddle and honestly? you should keep doing that

For how predictable MHA can be, this fandom sure isn’t genre savvy about its predictions sometimes. And actually, that’s awesome! Makes the story more enjoyable, because Horikoshi is a master of meeting your expectations 90% of the time just so that the unexpected 10% blows your minds. I just think it’s funny that the “unexpected” parts are when the story does exactly what it tells us it’s gonna do lol.

Was I right? Or was I right?

Okay, so my early predictions were:

All For One’s hubris at the start of the arc was foreshadowing that things wouldn’t go according to his plan: RIGHT

All For One won’t steal New Order: WRONG, but then...

Even if AFO gets anything close to what he claims to want out of this battle, there will definitely be some sort of twist: RIGHT

We’re going to get something about her history with All Might before she can die: RIGHT, though sadly contained within the same arc

(Will she die after that? [shrug]): “RIGHT” in whatever sense this can be considered a prediction lol

Horikoshi’s also hinted vaguely at her having a personality, but I guess that can be fleshed out in this fight alone: RIGHT

And okay, it’s fun to gloat, but I acknowledge that I really hedged my bets here with some of these, so please note I’m just participating in the satiric trend of hilariously unmerited arrogance. These all are way too vague to be called ACTUAL predictions.

This is all really just to illustrate one thing, which was the point of the original post: any in-universe character (especially a villain) who says their plans (or their predictions of the future) out loud will automatically be wrong about it to some degree. Why take one panel to tell us everything that’s gonna happen in the next few chapters and then actually draw out that very thing for the next few chapters as described?

American exceptionalism (no, not like that)

Okay, but I’m not gonna act like this was Horikoshi’s best writing or anything just because he made one correct (if loudly broadcasted) writing choice. I’m still very confused about how none of this was foreshadowed even in the chapter where Horikoshi teased Star’s existence (chapter 303).

Yeah, there is a lot about this arc and Star’s character that...make for really awkward discussions about how the US is or is not portrayed. To some degree, it reads like Horikoshi watched a bunch of old Hollywood movies recently and wanted to reference them all in one go because they don’t fit as references anywhere else in the future story. And yeah, that’s...just...I don’t know what the state of education and general public knowledge is in Japan about post-war USA-Japan relations, but I do wonder about it now.

Then again, it’s not like most or any of that is covered in American public education either.

Actually, in light of that thought, I’m kind of surprised this arc didn’t end up far cringier than what we got. Maybe I should be counting my blessings here...

BUGS

BUGS BUGS BUGS BUGS BUGS BUGS BUGS

Hell, this isn’t even the first time we’ve seen an army of ants! Although interestingly the sides are switched this time.

WHO’S THE ANT NOW, LOSER?

Okay but again with that reversal of One versus Many? Where the One is unexpectedly the hero and the Many is the villain and his nakama (well, maybe not so much in this particular case...)? FASCINATING.

...

Yeah, I, too, immediately noticed the hairstyle of the forefront vestige’s silhouette. I, too, quirked ([snort]) an eyebrow.

New Order: Star can step on me

That is all.

Star is Katsuki-coded (and really, did you expect any less of me than to say something like this?)

I’m just sayin’:

Both have initials KB

Both smile like terrifying monsters in the face of defeat (see above)

Both have a reputation for doing whatever the fuck they want fuck you

Both bite as their last resort

Both have a not-subtle-at-all war-theme for their character stylizations

Both are characters focused around the concepts of “Number One Hero”, vague god complexes, and comradery/growing into team leaders

Bombs and explosions. Rotating missiles. Howitzer Impact aka Katsuki the Amazing Human Missile. ‘Nuff said.

Both admire All Might but also kind of try to one-up him whenever they get the chance (because it’s about SURPASSING All Might)

Tell me Star’s final move there wasn’t the most amazing pettiest “even when I lose I still win” shit SHE ESSENTIALLY TURNED HER QUIRK INTO A SELF-DESTRUCTING BOMB DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?

I can’t believe I’m about to use a filler episode as support but it really doesn’t get any louder than this

“Star” of the show. Get it? GET IT?!

I guess this makes Kaminari the pilot

Additionally, just because I can:

Now to NOT extrapolate Star’s fate to Katsuki please god no

WOW are we finally getting something truly AFO-centric?

As much fun as Star was this chapter, I was already pumped before she got up to her antics. Because holy crap, we’re getting actual insight into AFO’s character?????

“It all begins here, Yoichi. About that comic I read with you that day, it’s not that I didn’t know there was a continuation. I knew what came next; that’s why I stopped reading!”

THIS. This can be interpreted in so many fascinating ways!!!

Is AFO saying he thinks the villain won in the comic? Is he that arrogant and genre-unsavvy?

But the fact that he acknowledges Yoichi’s contention means he did hear when Yoichi said, “The villain always loses.” So AFO actually knows the villain loses now.

So...did he know that then, too? Did he not want to continue reading because he didn’t like that ending? Is all of this an attempt at writing a new, exciting, different, unpredictable story? (lol Horikoshi you’re not subtle)

Or maybe it wasn’t about preference at all. Maybe it’s about prediction. Remember, AFO thrives on control and loves making predictions about how people will behave. Maybe he got bored with the comic the moment he knew how it all ends? (ha! so he’s my antithesis)

But since we see a brief shot of baby Yoichi here, since we get a brief glimpse at AFO’s deeper thoughts, since the chapter ends with AFO’s composure cracking in the face of “the ghost of All Might,” since the fight technically isn’t over yet, could it be that...this arc is about exploring AFO’s character? His...his backstory??

ARE WE GONNA FINALLY GET OUR AFO+OFA FLASHBACK?

CAN WE GET SOME GODDAMN NAMES ALREADY?

[makes grabby-hands for the Second]

Nerfed or no?

If not, did this whole arc just serve the purpose of nerfing TomurAFO? Or is that even what’s happening? I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and I still don’t have a lot to say on this. Sure, it looks like some quirks were lost, but where does it go from here? I wonder if this will serve the purpose of creating some quirk blob or turning TomurAFO into an unstable monster that eventually rampages out of control maybe. The point is, could things actually still get worse?

Okay but WHAT IF-?

Just for funsies, I thought about it...

Based on the way Star worded her final New Order, I don’t think New Order should cannibalize itself in the end?

Which means it could still technically exist in a person with no other quirks.

So, you know, a quirkless person?

...

Could...could All Might get New Order eventually?

(Or really anyone but...just at the price of their quirk getting eaten NO THANKS)

[brokensoulmates2000]

Sooo, this was heavily inspired by many bthump’s metas that I will be linking accordingly. Hope my rambling is intelligible lol. Btw, this includes a major spoiler of the ending from Naoki Urasawa’s Monster, and some images with Casca being raped by the Beast of Darkness. Proceed with care.

To me, the Beast of Darkness is one of the most interesting concepts in Berserk. A physical manifestation of Guts’ self-hatred, malice, trauma, and pretty much anything negative inside of him. Not only does it constantly push Guts to chase after Griffith (as we see when it calls Casca “the wound Griffith left”), but it’s a manifestation of Guts’ neediness. The night Gambino sneaks into Guts’ tent to kill him, he says that he sold Guts to Donavan bc 1. Guts was a bad omen for being born from a corpse and ergo, responsible for the death of Shizu and all the bad things that happened after it 2. Guts followed Gambino around like “a lonely puppy”. And I mean, the imagery to suggest it is kinda amazing imo

On a side note, I checked two different translations and they gave different ideas from what Gambino said, but in general, it just furthers the point that Guts seeks Gambino’s love and attention like a puppy does for its owner.

Honestly, I trust the second translation more than the first one, but just putting it out there lol.

So as bthump said here, the parallels between Gambino and Griffith are undeniable, therefore it’s no wonder Guts seeks in him the love he couldn’t get from his father figure. When Guts hears Griffith’s speech to Charlotte, he wants to seek his approval and recognition as he sought Gambino’s. Later, he compares both of their attitudes:

Nobody needs me to explain what happened in Guts’ quest and its fucked up results. So, while Guts was looking for revenge, the beast was foreshadowed while Guts was walking in the woods after killing Rosaline, and it appeared again when Guts knew that Casca ran away.

Let’s put a pin in the beast emphasizing Guts being alone and burning in his malice, fear and hatred cause it’s going to be relevant later. But for now, let’s talk about another aspect of the beast: how it longs for Griffith and to be closer to him.

(On a side note, don’t you guys love that the wound is drawn exactly like the beast’s eyes?)

The beast spits out all of the complicated feelings Guts refuses to accept or pay attention to, and we know how hard it is for Guts to continue sticking to Casca’s side. He has her no patience, he tried to sexually assault her (twice if you count how awkwardly close he got to her in Godo’s cave after making a mess of herself, chapter 93 to any one who wants to refresh their memory). And the beast makes it clear that Guts needs to lose everything to keep chasing after Griffith, and it’s working relentlessly for that to happen:

And what the beast says here resembles a lot what Gambino and the other mercenaries would say:

Gathering my thoughts again, we have the beast as a traumatized, thirsty for revenge version of Guts’ puppy need for love, acceptance and attention that also works to self-loathe him even more. The beast insists to Guts to kill those he cherishes in order to make him succumb to his darkness, therefore, making him a monster.

The beast wants Casca and the gang, those warm lights, as food for Guts’ malice. Then, he will be able to pursue the true light that burns him and crash it. I think I’ve made my case showing how the beast is ultimately looking for Guts to be alone, consumed by his negative feelings and kill Griffith. And here’s my main point: if Guts kills Griffith, he completely loses his humanity and that’s the last thing he needs. This is when the pin I put in how the beast talks comes in handy: the beast wants Guts to be alone, consumed in the darkness forever, to crush the light that he still longs for.

Even in this part of the journey, Guts continues to consider Griffith his true light and he has a lot of reason to do so. He met Guts’ emotional needs, gave him a place to belong and loved him and if he kills Griffith, he would be proving that everything the beast says it’s right. In my eyes, Griffith became a monster because he believed all of what his insecurities, repressed guilt and trauma said about him, so he was consumed by them. If Guts kills the last thing that brings him light and warmth, he would be proving right his own insecurities, guilt and trauma, be consumed by revenge and turn into a monster too.

All of this to say… I don’t think Miura was planning for Guts to kill Griffith. Not only because Guts doesn’t stand a chance against him, but this revenge lust he has is shown as a terrible thing that would end him. His feelings for Griffith are too precious in the end, they continue to affect him even in this point of the story, and they actively stand in the way of Guts becoming a monster (one of the many reasons the beast is eager to chase after Griffith). I can only speculate about what ending Miura intended to give us, but I’d like to imagine it as them realizing that their feelings for each other continues to keep a human part of themselves alive, burning, and they can’t kill each other.

This ending would resemble Monster’s a lot, in the sense that Tenma can’t kill Johan because if he does, he becomes a monster (and proves Johan that his whole philosophy of “everyone is equal only in death” is correct. What Johan ultimately wanted was for the most noble man he’d ever known to get blood on his hands). Johan and Tenma’s conflict is ultimately a philosophical one (besides Guts lacks the morality compass of Tenma lol), but it serves to illustrate my point. Continuing with Monster, who shoots Johan in the end is a third party that wasn’t part of the conflict. However, Berserk does have a third party that is indispensable to its conflict.

Casca intervening in the last duel between Guts and Griffith would be… everything I long for and need lol. Berserk has proved time and time again that victims kill their abusers, so Casca has no reason to be the exception. Besides, she wanted to interfere in the two previous duels, but didn’t because 1. Griffith ordered her not to get between them and 2. was dragged out of it. In the last duel, I doubt Griffith has any power to hold her down and I doubt she would let anyone stop her.

Idk, I just think her killing Griffith, or Guts or even both of them is more satisfactory. It would drive home that 1. darkness cannot exist without light and vice versa, 2. you turn into a monster when you believe and succumb to your insecurities as well as your trauma. This would be a happy ending at least to me. I’m craving for a moment of connection between Guts and Griffith, and they later dying together by the hand of the woman they used as a device to channel their sexual desire for each other. Besides, it would be a good ending for Casca’s terrible character development. All of this assuming Miura was telling the truth when he said that Guts would remain human, and viewed a happy ending as one that closed its themes correctly.

The alternative ending is Guts killing Griffith and being consumed completely by his own beast, which… it’s tragic and part of me loves it, but idk. It would feel empty somehow.

But I guess we’ll never know what Miura had in store for us. However, we have fanfiction, free time and Tumblr so we won’t be short on speculations lol.

Btw, I told my bestie about this theory and they really summoned up my thoughts on this one: “They should just make out at this point. There’s nothing else to do, they can’t kill each other”

And to me, that’s the only fair answer lol

[amporella]

kenny kyle for the character bingo 🧡💚🧡💚

GOOD PICKS AS ALWAYS!! Here they are, starting with Kyle; I'm putting Kenny in a separate post because I like to ramble but I don't want to squish him in under the cut </3

Everybody knows that I love Kyle. He's my favorite like 60% of the time, and he's my second favorite the rest of the time. I have absolutely endless thoughts on him as I'm sure anybody who's been following me for a while knows, so I'm going to try not to ramble TOO hard and I'm instead going to address the specific squares that I picked on the bingo board to try and keep this organized.

First of all, his default appearance isn't COOL looking, but he is freaking cute, which I feel counts? I just love his design in general, ugh, the hair contrasts so nicely with his outfit, it's adorable, and his Post-Covid look is literally perfect. I was so delighted when I saw how well groomed he is!!! And his fancy shoes... GNC icon Kyle Broflovski lives on into his fifties. I think you'd be very hard pressed to call his TFBW outfit 'cool', but he obviously put SO much effort into it which is charming in and of itself, and his SOT outfit IS actually cool. Elf King Kyle is my favorite character design of his (and maybe my favorite out of the whole series?); it is so good. Regardless of how much SOT content people make (and there is a lot of amazing stuff out there), there will never be enough to sate my SOT heart.

I do think he's deeper than he seems, but I think that applies for all South Park characters? The average viewer is frankly not going to be exploring any character's decisions beyond trying to guess the next joke in an episode, so the fact that meta CAN be written for him (and every other character) implies that he does have depths that aren't readily apparent to everyone.

I am obviously extremely pro fanon interpretation, but that being said, I do think Kyle has been done dirty, though most certainly not because he was turned into an 'uwu twink character' or whatever the most recent, endlessly repeatable claim about fanon Kyle is. Kyle's obviously faced extreme amounts of antisemitism in the show, and that's leaked over pretty noticeably into the fandom; you don't have to look far for someone blaming Kyle for Cartman's actions, or trying to defend Cartman (I will kill someone if I see people try to deny he's a nazi one more time), or bastardizing his character in some other absolutely evil, antisemitic way. This is obviously by far the most severe way he's mistreated by the fandom, but I also have some beef with interpretations from people who claim to like him, and weirdly enough, they often end up being part of the previous category? I fucking love Kyle, and I still think that some people who love him an equal amount are insane, especially when it comes to projection. I have never met a self described Kyle kinnie who was even remotely similar to Kyle. Maybe I just haven’t interacted closely enough with any of them, but it honestly feels kind of like a curse sometimes? In my experience, the moment you decide that you ARE a character, or are so similar to a character that you two are essentially indistinguishable, you lose your credibility in being able to talk about them objectively.

I think Kyle works amazingly on his own, but I honestly DO think he works better as a part of style; both from a viewers perspective and from a character analysis perspective. Style interactions obviously melt my style heart, so I'm extremely biased towards episodes involving the two of them, but the other reason I chose that square was because Kyle canonically DOES function better with Stan around than he does without him. Cue me going into a tangent about Post-Covid etc etc etc, but seriously, it's canon. He is a more functional character when he has Stan to balance him out, and to me personally, he's an even more entertaining character than he already is when he's with Stan. The same thing goes for Stan! The two of them are so irreparably intertwined with each other that separating them truly just doesn't feel right.

And yes. He has not done anything wrong, ever. You'll find that I have this opinion for most of the kids on the show, because honestly, unless they're a legitimate nazi, I refuse to cast moral judgement on these ten year olds who keep getting cast into situations that ten year olds should not be in.

Thank you so much for the ask minty!! <3 I'll post the Kenny half soon!

[goodbyenorthernlights]

I think I've mentioned before that I RP Rezo on dreamwidth sometimes, and the RP community on dreamwidth does a lot of ooc/meta chat on a second website called plurk. I keep my plurk account private (and I do not particularly recommend plurk as a site, tbh, I'm just there because it's where other people are) so. Figured I'd repost some of the stuff I've written about Rezo for the 1.5 people on tumblr who might be interested.

Here's a meta post about Rezo and Zelgadis's relationship that I wrote 9 months ago, featuring some commentary (in italics) from the Zelgadis-mun I was playing with at the time.

Gonna ramble a bit about my take on Rezo and Zelgadis's relationship, so, uh, CW: Child/familial abuse and general dysfunctional family stuff.

This need to ramble inspired by a tumblr post I saw along the lines of "does turning your grandson into a chimera count as physical abuse."

Now idk how one would classify that because obviously nobody in the real world has been able to do such a thing. Although I'm sure there's a precedent for people doing nonconsensual medical experiments on their children, which would probably be the closest analogy?

Anyway, after a bit of thinking I kind of picture that Rezo would have been like. A mixture of psychologically abusive and neglectful.

wrt the neglect I also think a lot of it would have been cultural- like WE'D consider a guy letting the teenager in his care go on dangerous raids against bandits to be a blatant act of supervisory neglect but in the Slayers 'verse nobody really bats an eye at Lina, the teenage protagonist, going around getting into zany adventures.

And this is headcanon but I imagine Rezo started working as a healer at a similar age. So if anyone called him out on that he'd just be ???? and think they were like. Smotheringly overprotective.

But based on the way we see flashback!Zelgadis behaving, I do think Rezo was generally pretty good to him as a kid. I can see him being distant, and/or leaving a lot of Zelgadis's actual care up to other people, but I don't think he hit Zel or insulted him or anything like that.

I think the abuse started very suddenly and rapidly got worse, basically.

Basically, imagine you've been raised by your grandfather. He runs a nonprofit and is very busy with it, so he isn't around as much as you'd like, but he's always been kind to you and you also know the people he works with and they're always kind to you as well, and life is generally okay.

But then when you're fifteen he drugs you out of nowhere and you wake up missing a kidney, and after that he just keeps getting colder and more distant and starts getting involved in crime and makes you help him out and it all comes to a head a few years later when somebody finally fucking shoots him.

And then you're just left there like ????? well i'm gonna need a fuckton of therapy after all that.

Also, as Zelgadis's player, the fact that it was a revelation made him wonder how much of Rezo's prior actions were less about 'I love my grandson' or 'I have an obligation to this kid' and more 'I have a hidden agenda'.

Yeah, it's a wonder Zel is capable of trusting anyone at all after that happened. I imagine there might have been warning signs that Something Is Wrong With Rezo but 1) Rezo was doing his level best to hide them, and 2) Zel was a kid, not fuckin' Psychologist Sherlock Holmes, so from Zel's perspective it came entirely out of nowhere.

I mean, I assume it's why he stuck with Rezo because you get the sense that he honestly didn't believe anyone else would believe him over Rezo. He was shocked Zolf and Rodimus sided with him when he did defect

Yeah, I can imagine that the adults Rezo was interacting with were more "Hmmm" about him, it just kind of varied on where they went with that "Hmmm"

I think Zolf and Rodimus probably went "Wow okay so he's ACTUALLY a bastard" especially after he cursed Zel, whereas Eris went "oh no...... poor little meow meow......."

i do not know what to conclude about dilgear and noonsa although it is interesting to me that they're both nonhumans.

[legionofpotatoes]

10 17 and 22 for the art asks :)! also re one of your answers to this: if you enjoy writing, you should do it. i absolutely encourage it. doesn't matter if its not "grandiose" or "important" - the thing thats important is YOU getting to have fun Doing Stuff. :3

Hey you! Thanks for these ☺️

10. Favorite piece of clothing to draw

It's the one I draw most often I guess. The 2012 N7 armor variant 🙃 otherwise I like capes. Or drapes. In that sexy art nouveau way.

17. Do you eat-drink while drawing? if so, what

Not while I'm drawing, no. I take breaks for lunch, but I can't be chewing on something in the process. That would mess up the focus! I do keep a water bottle around (a redundant statement. my home is dotted with half-empty water bottles, always at hand). There is an enormous chasm between the mess my productivity was back when I spent entire days focused on nothing but drawing, to now when I keep my meat suit hydrated. It's night and day. Water is the real deal, folks. Cannot stress this enough, drink up.

22. What physical exercises do you do before drawing, if any

Nothing before; lots of stretching and wrist-rolling during. I know this is something I need to get better at, especially as I keep pulling longer hours in my thirties. It's on the agenda, he said, and probably lied.

I also like to hold my pen in a way that dents the side of my middle finger... trying to work my way around it to no avail so far. I have big-time problems here, gang. My fingie has ouchies when I draw for more than three straight hours.

Regarding the whole writing thing - I didn't mean it like I hate to express myself in writing or even in longform rambles every now and then because of some stuck-up ethical reasons - I honestly don't care about that and you will have to pay me ungodly amounts of money to get me to shut up, just in general. I am extremely lax on what "meaningful" means, and a 24/7 fun train outta these stupid brains absolutely counts.

What I did mean by my answer was storytelling, and specifically storytelling done through writing. You know - that thing that is all about articulating parables through narratives and worldbuilding and meaning-making, which is something I admire but will probably never seriously dabble in. I am keenly aware of the type of creator that I am; I'm still a consumer first. I genuinely revere storytelling, and my "creativity" or whatever is fully transformative and usually stems from my need to prop that other thing up even higher for others to see. Probably why fan art is most of what I do.

And I can (and do) write a lot in that meta sense of how storytelling sometimes does and does not work - anyone following me here knows that is my main weapon to wield against your tired eyeballs. I love understanding both the humanity at the core and the delivery mechanisms around storytelling mediums and how we're all just trying to say the same things over and over again through convoluted yet effective and novel packages and it's all intimate and grand and gorgeous and terrifying and flawed and fun and meaningful and transient and heartbreaking and silly and different yet always somehow the same. And I am extremely aware of the type of gas one needs to have in the tank to actually tap into that semiotic dance and squeeze out a piece of writing that engages and tells a story that is both an escape and a mirror.

This isn't me bootlicking some esoteric auteur culture either, I have my own reservations with the word "talent." I've studied enough of storytelling to know that its raw craft is a crucial delivery system for its core ethos, and it can be built up and improved by anyone, given time and discipline. But it's that ethos I'm talking about, the payload itself. There is something else you need to have present in your soul for that. Something circumstantial, painful maybe, a wound that yearns both to heal and to share itself with others, adding to the tapestry of the zeitgeist in a way that enriches that moment in time instead of tearing it down with ignorance. And I know I make this all sound grandiose and mythic, but meaningful storytelling to me is literally some self-insert fanfic that lulled you into a bittersweet calm after a teenage breakup, or the romcom that made you laugh on a shitty day, or even a fucking poem scribbled on a wall that you completely took out of authorial context yet found some corny meaning in for no more than five seconds. It's the essence of those things, and I have trouble explaining exactly what I mean by that, but I know deep in my bones that it's something core to them that I don't have. I don't have that need to share my lived experience in that way, for reasons internal and external, and I think that is okay! More than anything else in the world I want to cheer on the people who do. I believe in them, and in storytelling, more than in most things in life, exactly because of how privy I am to its healing effects. So I'll do it in my own incessantly annoying ways, don't you worry about that.

I mean look at all this writing I did just now. That's something I like to do. And again; you will have to pay me to stop. Big money. I'm talking six figures or above straight from James Tumbler

[helena-thessa]

Hi Helena! Big fan of your writing here🥺♥️ Your rivamika fics are my safe space 😭 (if you have time to answer) i’d love to know when you first started shipping them, why, and what made you continue to love this ship (or anything else to do with your journey as an RM shipper)? i love your characterisation of both levi and mikasa individually, but even more so, your portrayal of their dynamic as a couple, which is why i wanted to ask so badly ☺️ x

Hey anon! Oh woah, first of all, thank you so much. Second of all, oh god, you probably shouldn't have handed me the mic. heh 😅

I’m afraid to look at the word count of this response, I’m sure it’s much more than you bargained for, but I appreciate the question and enjoyed thinking through my response (: Most importantly, I’m so glad you find my stories as a safe space. It’s really an honor. Thank you for sharing with me 🖤🖤

TL; DR As a longtime reader, writer and lover of stories and story-telling, by being someone who pays attention to how stories are crafted and deliberately developed from beginning to end, I sincerely thought Isayama was setting up rivamika as an endgame relationship. So, I read into and interpreted meaning out of ALL their interactions and became deeply invested.

I don’t necessarily ship them cause of the parallels, age gap, enemies to lover trope, height difference, or some of those common reasons and/or kinks. I’m more basic and boring than that. I love the concept of them coming together as though it’s inevitable.

They both are unbelievably strong, selfless, and have suffered so much loss— so, no one else could truly understand them as well as they can understand each other. They both probably would have always settled for a stable, simple life, and been alone and lonely even without realizing it— instead, they find each other, and realize what it means to actually no longer be alone, to do more than just survive. It’s this understated bond, as opposed to a dramatic and passionate romance, that I envision in them and that I love so much.

Then, the passion, heat, the romantic "spark"— I think that’s an added bonus, the cherry on top, the perfect final puzzle piece. They’re both so physically capable, can speak through their actions, and don’t show much need or capacity for emotional/ verbal communication, so the ability to connect with each other through physical intimacy and mind-blowing sex seems like another given.

Still, at the end of the day, for me it comes back to their ability to fully depend on each other, to the inevitability. Not like some soulmate trope where they 'have no choice' in it, but like the stars aligned to prove it's right. How each of them have only one other person on the whole planet who could see and understand them, to be on par with them, to make them realize there’s more to life than settling and surviving, and they happen to find it in each other.

You asked, I rambled 😅 Here’s a breakdown of my thought process in my rivamika journey. For those who make it to the end or want to skip to the end, I'll finish with the excerpt of the very first rivamika scene I felt compelled to to write.

I've tried before to re-watch and remember the exact scenes, exact moments, that initially captured my full attention, but I guess it was all of them, the gradual and cumulative compilation of their earliest interactions.

Mikasa always appearing cool and indifferent, and paying no attention whatsoever to others fawning over, like Jean initially falling for her, but then her strongly reacting over Levi in the courtroom showed how uniquely capable he was at getting under her skin.

Of course, the scene in the forest chasing the Female Titan was a critical one. I think of that as the first time both Levi and Mikasa were truly able to see the other's strength, mental and physical. And for them, orphans and trauma survivors who have suffered extensive loss, I think that seeing strength in another person made them feel less alone. Less alone in a deep, quiet but cataclysm, life-altering sort of way, even if not a romantic one. Like they didn't know it was something they didn't have, something they didn't expect to get from life, but then found it with each other.

(Even when we found out Levi was an Ackerman, I was disappointed if it meant they were immediate relatives, but willing to accept it wouldn't be a romantic end to loneliness, it would be a familial end to loneliness. But... the author never explored that. Not once.)

In that forest scene, manga and anime, the way that Levi pauses to really look and see Mikasa and think about who she is, what she’s gone through, and how strong and dedicated she is now— that was a defining moment. It was also a visual demonstration of Levi breaking character, from aloof and ruthless, to considering and curious. I thought Yams was showing both of them do that on purpose.

Then, Levi getting hurt because of Mikasa in that scene felt like another clue. Sure, it was while saving Eren, and sure, it could have been meant to humanize super-soldier Levi, or sure, it could have been another aspect of how Mikasa rushing into things over Eren ends up hurting other people that later changes in her character development, but it felt like a very pointed statement about Mikasa being a vulnerability for Levi. And that's swoon-worthy, right? Most of us have been exposed to and conditioned by stories about how special and romantic it is to be the one and only girl who can make an otherwise disinterested or unattainable guy actually pay attention to her, and so admittedly I fall right for it.

I’m sure I’m forgetting plenty, but the opening of season 3 felt like confirmation. When Levi figures out Kenny's behind things and entrusts Mikasa with instructions to share with the others, instructions about fighting people instead of titans that ultimately everyone else besides her struggles with, and when Mikasa lets Levi hold her back from chasing after Eren, her most important way of trusting and having faith in Levi, I honestly took that as cues from the author that rivamika was endgame. I let myself get truly invested from then on. That’s that understated bond I was referring to. To me, that unspoken but undeniable trust is the most important dynamic.

Seeing them fight together or fight similarly has always been fun and powerful and fulfilling.

I'm newer to the snk club. I was originally an anime-only fan and started watching in fall 2019, I think. I wasn't on tumblr, twitter, or anything else to see fandom discourse. So, I didn't know that the rooftop scene of Mikasa fighting Levi over the serum was such a staple for our ship until much later. I love the scene just like many do for all the reasons we do, but I don't think the actual scene was pivotal for me, so much as it's aftermath. I thought it represented two things.

One, it was an important marker in Levi's characterization. Hands-down one of the most striking scenes to me is the one where Levi is in the alley, somber and alone, listening in on Eren, Armin, and Mikasa talking together. It artfully shows his longing for hope and connection. So, when Levi chose Armin for the serum, that represented Levi choosing hope. And when Mikasa ultimately gave up fighting Levi and didn't choose Armin, which Armin finds out about later on, I see that as an important marker in Mikasa's development. It puts a wedge between her and Armin/Eren [Armin, because he knows she would have let him die, and Eren, because Armin is too special to him and he couldn't look at her the same way after realizing she would have let him die]. That distance between her and her childhood friends is one I don't think could ever be healed completely, one of those painful lessons in growing up. By doing that, it then also puts a distance in Mikasa's own childhood self to her current self. I thought that matured her and separated her out in a way that was another clue toward eventual rivamika developments.

That's a whole other conversation on Mikasa, but I’ll stay on track. Her love for Armin was absolutely authentic and fierce, but at the end of the day, at the core of her being, she chose survival over hope. Meanwhile, Levi chose hope over survival. To me, that was soft, fertile ground for the reasons why eventually, if/when Mikasa found hope and chose hope, that could directly tie together with her inevitably in coming together with Levi. Again, less butterflies and fireworks, but more natural and in a way that was just a given.

I wrote Beyond the Walls before reading the manga from the Marley Arc and on, so that's why most of that story is her journey into embracing that hope. *manga spoilers* There's a lot of meta, criticism and talk about Mikasa's silent, off-screen and subtle style of character development in the Marley Arc and afterward. I won't go down that road, I'm still processing the end of the manga to be honest, but I think it's fair to say she does eventually end up choosing hope over survival when she lets go of Eren and saves humanity instead. I love the “Stay with Me” line and think it’s perfect; a simple but profound display of trust and their deep-rooted bond in a really understated way. *end manga spoilers*

Here's something I always wanted to talk about in full but haven't. It honestly reads to me like Yams was building toward rivamika, and didn’t do anything to stop that until too late. There are tools authors can use to ensure we stop shipping a pair or start shipping a new one; love triangles are commonly used in every artistic medium and we’ve all been persuaded by these tools. But Yams didn’t use these tools to make sure readers didn’t feel convinced by rivamika. For all the reasons I listed above, more I'm forgetting, and for the following:

If he wanted us to think they were family and it would be incest, he should have added in a conversation between them realizing they were (close) family and that they weren't the only ones left in their biological family like they thought. But he didn't.

If he wanted us to think it was completely inappropriate between a child-and-adult and student-and-teacher, then he could have done something to ensure Mikasa looked childish or Levi looked older, but no. They barely look ten years apart. I do think it's unacceptable and that there's a power imbalance between a child-and-adult relationship regardless of that, and that there can't be true consent when one is a superior and another a subordinate, so I personally age-up Mikasa in my head and try to handle his position of power responsibly in my writings... but the point being, by the end of canon, there's no inappropriate or non-consensual romance between them, yet there's a lot of history and chemistry that could naturally lead to an age-appropriate and consensual relationship. If Yams didn't want us to think so, he could have made it more clear that there were reasons it wouldn't happen.

The only thing that makes sense to me is the author planned on rivamika endgame but was shamed/pressured out of it (either internally or due to others) OR that the author somehow accidentally created such vibrant chemistry and an incredible dynamic between them. Like, he didn't put enough convincing substance of eremika in, didn't make Levi look old enough, didn’t have one of them do something unforgivable in the other’s eyes, etc. Those are some of those tools he could have used. Romance was never a key component in snk. And since we now know Yams planned or needed eremika endgame for sake of plot and the conclusion of the manga, I personally think he didn't know what to do with the riveting rivamika substance and chemistry being much more convincing to readers. Once he had them so well built-up, maybe the only option he felt he had was to just stop putting the characters together. We get little-to-no rivamika interaction, platonic or practical, after season 3 all the way up until the very end. But there was so much of it beforehand ?? So, it simply doesn't make sense. I think the author just straight-up cut any and all interactions out between them because it was too convincing and moving, more convincing and substantial than eremika. But, as the end of canon shows, we needed to have some eremika buy-in. It's messy writing and unskilled in the romance department, but considering for how long and how complicated snk has been in a creative process and how lackluster the eremika romance (the main and apparently pivotal romance) is developed, I think it’s plausible to say the author effed up.

As far as writing fanfiction goes, there's just so much room to explore them. In canon, we aren't given enough insight into their individual perspectives, let alone their dynamic together, so it feels like a blank canvas to work from. I think that's part of why I love to write them, and also why I don't necessarily read much of them. When I first started shipping them while watching the anime, I read a few of the classics that were canon-verse, but I haven’t really read much since. For me, exploring and discovering them as a writer is the most fun. (It's one of the reasons Naruto and Harry Potter have such large fanfiction collections. There's so much world-building and so many characters, but there's also so much left to the imagination.)

In general, I'm drawn to strong characters, especially women, who are multidimensional enough to be real, vulnerable and soft. Mikasa is the pinnacle of that. I don’t necessarily like to write about her love or infatuation with Eren, but I do respect and admire and consider it integral to her character and her amazing capacity to love. We can have strong, kickass women who falter when it comes to love but are still considered strong for it. The two don’t have to be mutually exclusive and Mikasa is a beautiful example of that.

And Levi is strong, but real and vulnerable too; he’s honestly a fantastically developed character, from Petra explaining to Eren in the beginning how he’s not the amazing hero he’s painted to be to the public, to how Levi genuinely cares for Erwin and others and chooses hope despite all he’s suffered.

The end of the manga wrecked me a bit. Kind of like Games of Thrones. You have something that was so epic and well-done for so long, a rushed ending that isn't immediately sensical and isn't fulfilling is hard to stomach. Eventually, I'll move on from the denial of that and process what I think and feel about it. The whole reason we have fanfiction is to expand on canon, but it's made me put rivamika on the back burner until I figure it out. So I'm a little less hyper-fixated on the pairing right now even though interacting with you all and asks like this remind me what brought me here in the first place. 😊

To conclude, I’ll share that the very first rivamika content I wrote was a compilation of moments I thought could be inserted into season 3. These are still moments I plan to edit and publish one day. For anyone that actually read this far, I’ll put a rough and unedited excerpt of the first scene I ever wrote about them.

Thank you again anon 🖤😊

BEGIN EXCERPT [after the rooftop fight for the serum, immediately following the ceremony where Eren touched Historia by kissing her hand]:

Part of her was embarrassed at such a flagrant act of disobedience to a superior, especially to one who saved her and countless others' lives in the past. But mostly, she was anguished by the situation Captain Levi put her in once he revoked the serum meant to save Armin and planned to use it on Commander Erwin instead. Her current ostracization and self-loathing was not entirely her own fault. Anger she felt toward herself was just as easy to wield against him.

It must have shown in the grit of her teeth or defiant tone, because he turned to look at her, more aloof than curious.

Like a flint struck to steel, it ignited the fury she felt toward him.

“I shouldn’t have hesitated. I should have just killed you,” she answered him at last, piercing him with eyes darker than the night.

He wasn’t concerned. “You’re good, but not that good.”

Her hands fell to her side, fists clenched as she stood with a single, fluid movement. Before she could let loose a threat, he sighed.

“What’s the problem, Ackerman?” He was dismissive, his shoulders relaxed and posture loose.

The fire too furious to contain, she went sailing for him with the same speed from the battlefield. Her fingers already curled, she tightened her grasp as she swung her fist into his gods-damned apathetic face.

Levi wasn’t unprepared. He easily side-stepped her, then snatched her wrist to steal her momentum. Though he tried to toss her aside, she was no less fast; Mikasa dug her heel in and spun, her other arm shoving hard into his chest.

Too graceful to stumble, Levi used the chance to hook her second arm too. He caged both her wrists in a grip so strong, she was sure it bruised her bones. Still, he only looked at her warily, almost bored.

“Shouldn’t you be grateful? I chose Armin.” If his reminder was meant to ease her anger, it had the opposite effect.

Fury and desperation gifted her additional strength. She shoved into his chest hard. Levi shifted backward, nearly forced into loosening his grip; within that split second of an opening, Mikasa slammed her elbow into his chin, rocking his head backward.

“You did,” she seethed, but as fast as the fire inside her exploded, it was doused. Her next words came out broken and damp. “But I didn’t.”

Levi remained stern and otherwise unmoving as he attempted to flex his jaw through the spasm of pain. As the momentum of the fight died down, he loosened his hold on her wrists and evaluated her distraught frame.

Mikasa immediately released her own hands and turned away from him, eyes stinging from tears she refused to shed as she focused on the stars ahead. Admitting the harsh words aloud hurt her far more than any injury she could inflict onto him.

Not only was Armin one of the only friends she had, but he’d been a steadfast one throughout almost all she could remember of her life. After the trauma of her childhood, it was Eren and Armin who embraced her, whom she learned to love. Now, though, there was a wedge between her and Armin she was not sure could ever be removed. What was worse, as deplorable and selfish as she knew it proved her to be, was the painful wedge it now put between her and Eren too.

Once again, she found Levi standing at the peripheral of her sight, close enough to see but far enough to be a blur at the edge of her watery vision.

“You almost killed me.” Levi repeated his earlier words, but he said them with an odd bite, torn between frustration and patience. “You would have killed me to save him.”

Too late, Mikasa realized he hadn’t meant these words as an accusation, but an odd form of validation. She bit her bottom lip, teeth puncturing too hard; the tang of metal was sharp on her tongue when she swallowed blood.

“You thought about letting your closest friend die,” Levi said quietly, tiredly. “But I did let mine die. I left him for dead, when I could have saved him.”

Mikasa was startled from her selfish reverie, for the first time acknowledging the sacrifice he made on that fateful afternoon. She’d been too absorbed in her own relief, and then, her own regrets to consider what the decision had done to him.

For a brief moment, she considered turning to face him, but the stark reality of the matter made her refrain. How could she feel pity for his loss, when his loss enabled her gain? An uncomfortable knot tightened in her stomach.

“Tch,” Levi sighed. He was only one notch less taciturn, but for him, that was soft. “You’ll live with your guilt, and I’ll live with mine.”

His words granted Mikasa’s tears the permission to spill. She buried her face further into her scarf, both hands trembling at the worn threads. As quietly as he arrived onto the roof, Levi disappeared from it.

.

.

It was rare for him to indulge in alcohol or celebrations, but Erwin’s absence felt more tangible than his presence ever did. Levi distracted himself with the chaos of the few remaining Scouts that Erwin had died entrusting his legacy to, and attempted to drown the pain with whatever drink Connie Springer shoved into his hands.

He found Hanji with their ale long-forgotten about on the table as they half-stood from their seat, frantic while explaining some morbid experiment in great, vivid detail to an unsuspecting and slightly horrified MP officer.

Though Levi wordlessly took the seat beside them, Hanji paused their rant to slap him hard on the back, an enthusiastic greeting flying from their drunken lips. The MP took this chance to excuse himself, a pathetic attempt at politeness, but Hanji either didn’t care or didn’t notice.

“Ah, Levi,” they smiled at his drink, though it didn’t entirely reach their one eye. “Where you been?”

Levi didn’t answer. “You know, shitty-glasses, you’re even more unbearable about your experiments when you’re drunk.”

Hanji waved dismissively and reached for their ale. Years spent in battle and command together had gifted both of them with an eased familiarity, and sometimes, genuine friendship. In the same manner he ignored their question, Hanji ignored his lack of response and went on with their original inquiry.

“Careful, Captain,” Hanji warned lightly. “Now that there’s far fewer Scouts, you having a favorite might cause some division.”

Even though Hanji meant the words, there was a glint of mischief that twinkled in their remaining eye.

“It’s not favoritism,” Levi countered bluntly, turning his vision toward the young man on the far side of the room. “Eren is simply the best chance that we have in this war.”

Hanji laughed as if he’d made a joke and Levi looked back to stare at them, unable to be surprised at their quirks or oddities any longer, but still a touch curious about what spurned this current demonstration.

“I wasn’t talking about Eren,” Hanji said at last, a pointed nod toward his injured chin.

Levi blinked. He didn’t realize he was nursing his injury with the hand not on his drink. As though it were too hot to touch, Levi dropped his hand.

Hanji was not judgmental, nor inquisitive. In a war-torn life of losing too many cadets entrusted to him, the fact that Levi found a soldier with the strength and skill to remain safe was not only rare, but worth special attention. Still, it made him too lenient.

“Sometimes I think you’d let her get away with murder,” Hanji chided halfheartedly.

When he thought of Erwin dead in his grasp, sometimes he wasn’t sure if he already had.

[permian-tropos]

so one of the things that kind of drives me up the wall about fandom “discourse” is that there are so many meta level topics that don’t get talked about bc the big debates are about the subject matter of fiction, not… what it means to be fannish.

in fandom, we are all trying to play this collective game where the fiction matters — so that it does something for us. makes us happy, makes us feel things, helps us socialize, inspires us. and the way to make it matter is to invent rules, invent concepts, play out social hierarchy struggles.

but in order to not cause actual harm to people over meaningless bullshit, we need to be able to pause the game. some people find that really easy because “yeah duh it’s just fiction” and then other people seem to find it impossible because it would take away the socially constructed significance of fandom itself.

but as someone who does fit better into the latter category despite thinking people need to chill the fuck out about fiction… I have thought a lot about the weird and intricate details of caring far too much about fiction!

like sometimes I wonder why I have never heard it said that ship wars are born from vicarious romantic jealousy. is it too obvious to say directly or not obvious enough? we say that shippers hate threats and rivals to their ship, but do we ever say — that’s because the flip side to romantic attachment is romantic rejection and jealousy. because if a fictional ship activates the euphoria in your brain associated with romantic love, it can also activate the famously unbearable dysphoria of not getting that love the way you want it.

and is vicarious jealousy actually a bad thing? I don’t think so! it’s just that fandom currently doesn’t seem to aestheticize that experience as much. but step outside of fandom and literally half of all songs you know are about heartbreak, about love that doesn’t work like you wanted it to. people crave art that lets them cope with those feelings. the worldwide and timeless popularity of art about crimes of passion and wanting to die for love is not just indicative of how relatable those feelings are, but the universal need to mitigate and cope.

so if you’re in a fandom and you don’t seem to have an artistic, aestheticized, nonconfrontational way to cope with romantic anxiety… that’s a little strange since it’s widespread elsewhere. and it’s not like fannish people never have relationship troubles. we do… and yet… we sort of pretend we don’t? or we don’t talk about it as honestly with our art. we don’t explore jealousy. these days in fiction relationships are deemed either healthy or unhealthy. and the idea of a relationship making you feel like you want to kill or die has been relegated to it being taboo or disgusting… but that’s not emotionally honest, is it? jealousy isn’t always moral. a relationship that makes you feel so bad it’s like the world is ending isn’t necessarily abusive or toxic. that only counts if it’s your relationship. but if it’s somebody else’s…

so what are healthy ways to vent jealous feelings in ship communities? off the top of my head I can imagine being appeased by a spotify playlist themed around my otp not being together, but my notp is, and the rejected loser is very sad about it. cause that’s not hating on rival shippers, it’s just letting the negative feelings become something appealing and cathartic. and it doesn’t suggest that other people in fandom are doing anything wrong

this is such a weird long ramble of a post but basically my point is that we don’t tend to have these kinds of discussions. and… we should?