#does anyone else think about how terrifying it is that covid is still around and just totally unaddressed and unmitigated.

[glitteringdystopia]

.

[woeisme-iamwoe]

an absolutely massive Haikyuu!! fic rec pt. 3

KageHina AND KuroKen because I’m very picky with these ships so there’s not a lot :/ 

KageHina:

The Cure for You (is You), by tsunderei (6k. T. canonverse) 

Brooo...cute shit

Kageyama knew they would separate after graduation. He knew he was going to miss Hinata. He just didn’t know he’d still be here, three years later, nursing an old crush that now seems more or less ruined by time and distance and stupidity. 

discovering the smile of one kageyama tobio, by emleewrites (8k. T. canonverse)

Innocence, pure innocence. Those are synonyms, shut up.  

Kageyama blinks once before a grin of his own spreads over his face. Shouyou’s breath halts in his lungs at the sight, and he wills for time to stop, just so he can drink it in. He sees it sometimes, when they’re playing - Kageyama’s fierce smile when they pull a combo off just right, when they show their opponents how possible the impossible can really be. But then there’s another serve, another rally, and the moment is gone.

'Shame', Shouyou thinks to himself, as he lets his eyes roam over Kageyama’s stupidly happy face, taking in the creases that are from joy rather than frowning, for a change. 'It’s a really nice smile.'

-

In which it's their third, and final, year in high school and Hinata has only one goal: to make Kageyama smile outside of volleyball.

 room to grow, by Mysecretfanmoments (6k. T. canonverse)

Third year Kageyama is considerate, careful, doesn't grab Hinata's hair. Hinata's still trying to figure out how he feels about it. 

where the night goes, by bigspoonnoya (20k. M. canon-divergence)

This one is very popular, and for good reason! It's beautiful. 

When their bond loses the immediate context of volleyball, they're left to consider why it's still so vital and important.

Meeting again, by chance, six years later.

 thirty-three days of mist and mountains, by tinygumdrops (curryramyeon) (36k. T. canon-divergence)

Kageyama, that’s a lot of paper, sir. I sure hope you recycle, god damn. 

Tobio runs by himself every day. Even though he can't shake off that awful feeling that something's closing in on him, he still does it. It's habit now.

When he gets a phone call that Hinata Shouyou is thinking of coming to Italy, Tobio feels like he has to run even faster.

(Or: Tobio has a month to prepare himself before his high school rival comes to visit him. They haven't spoken to each other for two years, and Tobio can't even remember what food Hinata likes. He's got a lot to think about.)

 soft serve, by tothemoon (9k words. T. canonverse):

Alternatively, the fic that made me immediately go out and buy a pint of ice cream after reading. So cute and fluffy! We’ve got a socially awkward Kageyama and, if I may, a little bit of a subdued Hinata.  Cute, cute, cute. Want ice cream. 

"I'm gonna run you over with this truck," Kageyama says, with only half of his usual conviction.

(Because frankly, he's still flabbergasted that Hinata would remember his favorite flavor.)

Or, in which Kageyama and Hinata drive an ice cream truck for a week, the former struggles with a crush, and the latter dares to eat the popsicles without paying.

 Fake it, Make it, by zadderlee (50k words. T. canonverse. Unfinished):

Ah yes, the classic fake dating that causes real feelings to arise. Here for the trope, will always be here for the trope. It is an unfinished fic, but it's still worth the read. Actually hilarious and Suga had me rolling. I take back what I said about only feeling safe alone with Iwa, I’d feel safe with Suga (lets be honest, with almost all of the Haikyuu boys. But not Atsumu. Rat bitch (I love him so much). 

"Because Kageyama is already dating someone!"

"Really? Who?"

“Me!” Hinata shouts suddenly, grabbing Kageyama’s hand as an afterthought and grinning triumphantly, like he’s somehow missed the implications of what he’s just done. Kageyama is going to kill him.

 touch, by buu (3k. T. canonverse)

Pure, young love. COVID-19 doesn’t exist yet. (WASH YOUR HANDS, DAMMIT)

Hinata doesn't notice it at first, really. It's small things, natural things, like when they sit together at lunch and Hinata ends up hooking his ankle over Kageyama's and he doesn't move away; in fact, he seems to not notice it, and go on eating his lunch like nothing's different. 

 we are the sparks that never fade, by thecivilunrest (4k. T. injury au)

A Kageyama injury fic and I never realized how painful that could be until I read this work. 

The first thing Hinata tells him after seven years is, “Toss to me.” 

 confession, by buu (3k. T. canonverse)

Just a really short, sweet school-boy love fic.

“You've been an ass to me for three weeks!” Hinata blurts, and finally the weight of it is pushing down on him. He's been trying to ignore it, telling himself it's just Kageyama being Kageyama, but this isn't like him, this is weird, and Hinata hates it. He's miserable.

 kisses, by buu (3k. T. canonverse)

So many smooches! So pure! 

There's a blur and Hinata remembers warm lips, surprisingly soft from someone who frowns all the time, and Kageyama's terrified face when he pulls back, and the electricity running through Hinata's entire body, heating his cheeks to match Kageyama's.

Kissing, it turns out, is as good as volleyball.

 Never More Cruel, by dawnstruck (3k. T. canonverse)

How have you not read this?? I know you haven't, so read it and smoosh in sweetness with me.  

Hinata starts fading away from him, and Kageyama tells himself that he doesn't mind.

Kuroken: 

teach me the way home, by icespyders (22k. T. canonverse)

WHY DOESN'T THIS HAVE MORE HITS?? 

Don’t go far off, not even for a day, because —

because — I don’t know how to say it: a day is long

and I will be waiting for you, as in an empty station

when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep.

Kuroo and Kenma grow up in transit.

 Good Calls, MemeKonHQ (MemeKonYA) (4k. T. canonverse)

Captain Kenma, captain Kenma!

His first morning practice as a third year starts with a blur of gray and red moving fast towards him on his peripheral vision the moment he sets foot inside the gym, and then a pair of lanky arms gracelessly falling over him as Lev contorts himself in all sorts of ways to properly envelop him like some sort of octopus.

“Kenma-san!” He basically screams, thankfully far away enough from his sensitive ears that it doesn’t outright hurt. Lev puts his chin over the crown of his head and Kenma sighs, “Kenma-san! I am so happy! Some of the other second years thought you would bail on us! But you didn’t! Now you can keep tossing to me.”

(Or: Kenma's third year. Or part of it.)

 even if you're ahead for a bit, i will catch up, by ghostpot (4k. G. canonverse)

Kuroo sticking to it. 

Kuroo first confesses when they're sticky-fingered, wide-eyed kids, and subsequently every day after that. Kenma takes a while to come around. 

the golden route, by astersandstuff (12k. T. canonverse/road trip au)

Why is it so hard to find good kuroken fics? This is so good, though. Kenma and Kuroo in a van, on the road, kisses, and mackerel pike. 

“It’s a three-and-a-half hour walk,” Kenma points out, on the subject of the cat’s home in a town inside Ama District. “Why aren’t we taking the train?”

“That cancels out the point of a road trip,” Kuroo argues.

“Railroads are roads.”

“We’re currently leading a frugal existence.”

-

Or, in which two childhood friends go on a road trip and Kenma builds up a quest.

 love's not the way to treat a friend, by girltalk (8k. T. canonverse/post-canon)

How sweet! To be each other’s life lines. Drunk Bokuto is the best boy. 

There’s really nothing quite as revelatory as the silent minutes spent in bed during the aftermath of a wet dream involving you and your high-school best friend. 

 the walk home, by skiecas (42k. T. canonverse) 

Gorgeous. Author writes kurokens dynamic growing childhood through adulthood absolutely wonderfully. 

Kenma reluctantly spoons vanilla into his mouth, watching the sun set. And when everything is dusted in stripes of pale orange and purple and gold, he glances at Kuroo’s profile muddled in the shadows of the descending sun, and wonders whether he had somehow accidentally made friends with an impressive sort of boy. The ice-cream melted under his thumb feels maddeningly sticky, like he’ll never wash it away thoroughly enough and it would leave its mark wherever he touched before he could.

Kenma has never really thought of anyone as good-looking before, never really cared enough about these things to notice them. But Kuroo is objectively so, in this light, in this angle—maybe all the time.

(A Kuroo and Kenma life story, told in five acts).

[cargopantsman]

Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here

Trigger warnings: All of them, because I am lazy. Also none of this is sensical.

Utter, hyper-caffeinated brain noise.

The problem with the concept of a "sense of self" is it already tries to concretize an amorphous abstract. It makes us want to point at some thing and say "Well... that's me." Whether it is a set of ideals that we try to live by, a set of activities that brings us a sense of joy or fulfillment, or, gods forbid, and entirely different and other person that "completes us."

I've always had an affinity for trickster figures and shapeshifters. The wearers of masks, the truthful liars, the artisans of duality, yada, yada. Since I was a child my first instinct has always been to blend in. If into the background, great, but if need be, if I needed to blend into the social fabric around me, I could do that too. To throw this into the high school backdrop; I wasn't a social butterfly, I was shy as could be, but I got along with the jocks, the goths, the nerds, the art freaks, the band kids, the preps, the whatever. Where ever I was I could fake that I belonged there. I was comfortable drifting in between worlds. (Looking back, I could have caused a lot more chaos with the information I was privy to at the time...[Oh, there's a constant point. I'm good at keeping secrets, keeping confidence. I'll lie my ass off to keep a secret.]) Does any of that really help drive a sense of self though? When your natural instinct is to mirror, to blend, to fade? When your point of pride is walking into a room unnoticed and, even better, leaving a party unseen? Does being a ghost count as an identity?

"Expression of Will" comes to mind... what does that mean? Ok, so some abstract thing is inside of you and you manifest it objectly outwardly. I was an artist. I made images in my head and "kind of" manifest them on paper. Some times people see that paper...  I was a writer... images in my head "became" words and some people saw that. I combined them into comics. Some people Saw that. Is that a lasting affect? Maybe the fights I've been into?! That time in 2nd grade someone was picking on a friend and I laid them out... the time in 8th grade someone was picking on me and clocked them down. Or in high school when someone decided to start some rumors and I held them up by their throat in the air until they turned blue? That was an inward thing that manifested outwardly. Nevermind good or bad, but was any of that... me?

Hmm. The beast. The primal... come back to that later.

"Expression of Will," "Expression of Will," "Expression of Will" ... What the fuck even is "Will"? Is this why philosophers get their heads so far up their ass? Is it a desire? The will to live.... living requires eating and the amount of times I forget to even do that... Maybe been looking at the phrase all wrong...

Will to Live (noun) It isn't a thing.

Will (verb) to (preposition) Live (verb)

Why does that sound better?

Desire to Live (noun)

Desire (verb) to (preposition) Live (verb)

Okay, that feels better even, but still... Sense of self, will, desire, expressions thereof. Are these just the aimless desires and wills? The fleeting flights of frivolous fancies festering forlornly in frontal cortices?

The self with the will can direct the desires towards living. "Get in the fucking robot Shinji!" "I don't wanna"

The (ghost) with the (strength) can direct the (impulses) towards (being). Getting too close to a concept of a soul on that one huh?

Forget self. It's a useless moniker right now. There is no self. It's just this mind alone for the first time in its entire life. (Not alone alone, there are friends, but they've learned more about me in the past two weeks than the past 6 years so...) "What did they learn?" asked the projection of self that defines itself by interactions with other.

I thought we were forgetting self.... not an option really. Sentience is a bitch like that. But they've learned I'll put up with a lot of bullshit under the guise of strength and integrity when I should've callously called this whole thing ages ago. That I can shut myself down completely in the interest of bodily-self preservation. (Not Self-self preservation, fuck the English language). What did I sacrifice? What did I shut down?

Everything.

That is less than helpful.

The Beast. Vince. Your Shadow.

My Shadow...

What do you desire?

Blood in the cut, tears in their eyes, power over someone that wants that power over them...

Do you want that? I don't want it, I just need it. No... I want it.

Is that all you are? A sadist? An animal?

Maybe... probably not though. A caretaker, and a sparring partner. A trickster and a shapeshifter. A crafter whose tools are destruction.

Next problem, grandeur. Mythologizing everything. But how to see a thing if you don't blow it up/magnify it?

You lack a sense of self because no one ever tested your sense of self. No one actually fought you for who you are. To find out who you are. The ex didn't. An old friend did until she got scared by what she found there.

You don't want to be yourself because it's not nice is it? You were raised to be nice.

College. I controlled the group. Never hit anyone after high school aside from set matches in classes or sparring for funsies. They all saw my eyes and stopped if they were getting out of hand.

The Dom-Friend.

Don't use the d-word on me.

Destroyer? Yeah, that one's fine. That one fits. He says as he carelessly tosses lit matches around his entire life. Can we bring up the phoenix or is that too grandiose? Why shouldn't it be grandiose? We spend every day of our lives going through the same kind of tedious bullshit all the time why not make our inner lives a bit bigger, a bit richer?

A bit darker.

Why do you want them to bleed? Hurt and comfort. That's a big theme, a trope if you will. Why not have both at the same? Why not let her think that I'm about to kill her but let her rest in the trust that I won't? Why not let me think that I'm about to break her while believing she is the most precious thing in the world?

Caretaker. A caretaker kills all the time. Tearing out weeds, uprooting the prized plant to move it to a better place for its growth.

Growth.

The self isn't going to be found just in ones self... not in another either. No, the self has to be found in everything. The things one wants to run to and run from. The soul (oops) is formed by what it crashes into right? The mind recoils from traumas races towards panaceas, why not, if one can, flip the polarity on the two. Bring the darkness screaming into the light so you can see it, bring the light quivering into the darkness so it can loose its terrifying brillance. Balance in all things right?

You're not a very positive person, they say. No... I'm not. It lashes out in bad ways sometimes, sure. Control, control, you must learn control. But being negative isn't bad. Not if you can grow from it. No plant can survive the sun for 24 hours. Trees sleep in the winter. We sleep, we heal, we grow.

Self-Destruction!! That's a fun one... seven fucking months downing a bottle of whisky a night. Whooo boy. Do Not Recommend.

Got a nice stay in the underworld though and trudged up a lot of shit. Now I'm sitting here with my ears ringing because I finally hit the personal limit on Monsters and my brain is overclocked enough I can finally see shit at 4 angles at the same time. I am a god damned quantum supercomputer of emotions right now.

Faith and faithlessness are the same thing. Have faith, trust the future, don't expect anything, don't plan your now for your future. Sounds sadly like live in the moment type bullshit, but life is weird and people are complex. Shifting drifting clueless animals that want to be safe but don't want to get stuck in anothers arms even when there is one whose arms are so safe.

The damage runs deep... and two people with damage running that deep. Hmm. How much healing can falling do? The other just puts a bandage over a puncture wound and both try to ignore it, but then the blood gets pumping, the heart pounds and poisons surge to the surface. It's neither one's fault really. Life is a trial of knives and we don't always have time or concern to tend the wounds properly. There's always something else that needs to be taken care of first.

Divorce is a helluva drug. It is maddening, the freedom to finally to be yourself is line having the lineart stripped off, there is a terrifying infinity in front of you and the only thing to do for awhile is melt. Let the slings and arrows just pierce and sink in. Anyone else tries to push the sludge of you into a shape might get hurt when they find the arrows. I want to go absolutely feral in a way. In a way the whole COVID mess is keeping me under lock and key so I'm just prowling around the empty house like I always have been, but now there's some sense... of purpose.

I'm raging against any depression, the executive dysfunction is going to have a talking to. The sense of self is going to be found in stripping this house down to bare walls and making a blank canvas. Bring everything down, ruin it all, start again.

My self is emptiness, it always has been. I can be anything, but I should be wary of ever wanting to be something. (My career options are AWESOME). But this is a different emptiness than before. Before I pulled the trigger and splattered the brains of the marriage across the floor I was just a void, and inky black pit of nothingness. Somehow, having the Shadow rise up and finally start getting along with the rest of me, the emptiness isn't.... void. It's just nascent possibility and that shouldn't scare me.

It does, of course, terrify me. First time in 40 years being legitimately alone is terrifying, should have done this kinda thing when I was 20, but... I was an idiot back then (60 year old me laughs from the future). But I think I can get a grip on the concept that "I" don't exist, but I'm real... ever changing ever dynamic, not who I was while I was married, but a mix of the me before, a angry beast now, and something yet unseen in the future.

[alpacaparkaseok]

Where you should be

Chapter 4: Atychiphobia

Genre: Hobi x oc

Warnings: this series contains stalking, blackmail, and similar stressful/fear inducing situations. Also unrequited love, which is perhaps the most terrifying of all.

Word Count: 2.2k

Atychiphobia - an irrational and persistent fear of failing

August 2019

I’ve received two more notes. One was taped onto my studio door before I arrived for the day, another was placed on my keyboard when I left for a couple of minutes to use the restroom.

Bang PD has reviewed the security footage over and over again. The first incident did show a man in a hood and mask, matching the description I offered.

However, the other two times showed different people. A slender woman taping the letter on my door and checking over her shoulder. And a young man, rushing inside my studio when I left and leaving supposedly leaving the note on my keyboard.

As a result of the multiple breaches in security, I now get to have my very own little friend to shadow me while at work.

By little friend, I mean bodyguard. Ha-joon is fairly new to the job, but he’s definitely excited for his new position. I can tell by how he can never stay completely still.

“What time are you taking your lunch today?” He asks me, pacing beside the door. I’ve just lowered the headphones from my head, making a grand show of stretching before swiveling around to face him.

“How about now? Are you hungry?”

Ha-joon’s eyes light up. “Yes. Where should we go?”

I shrug. It’s not very often that I go out for lunch, I’m more the type to just pack a lunch or call up some takeout. However since acquiring a bodyguard that resembles an oversized puppy, I’ve come to learn that he needs to be taken out or else he goes a little crazy.

“Wherever you want, I don’t have a preference.” Following Ha-joon out of the studio, I make sure to lock the door behind me. Ha-joon’s eyes are wide as he looks up and down the hallway, waiting for some stranger to jump out of the shadows.

The air is thick and muggy as we exit the building, the two of us chatting quietly as we head toward the bus stop. Neither of us owns a car, but it’s fine. The bus will take us straight to the downtown area of Seoul where all the good street vendors hang about.

“-so then I graduated just over a year ago. To be honest, I really didn’t expect to be given an assignment so quickly, but-”

“Ha-joon, we’re in public, remember?”

The tall man gives me a sheepish smile. “Right.” We try our best to act like normal friends out in public; there’s no need for people to be wondering why I’ve got a bodyguard.

I fan my face, trying to breathe in the muggy air. “You think it’s gonna rain today? I hope so, this weather is horrible.”

“Probably, but it’s worse after it rains sometimes, don’t you-” Ha-joon is interrupted for the second time when a car pulls up to a stop in front of us, parking illegally in the bus stop area. People all around immediately start whispering and glaring, although nobody has the nerve to approach the shiny car.

Ha-joon steps in front of me, blocking my view before I can remember where I’ve seen that car before. Peeking around his body, I watch as one of the tinted windows rolls down.

“As much as you enjoy taking the bus, I’m not going to let you melt out here.”

My breath catches in my throat as I see Jung Hoseok sitting behind the wheel, Do-yun beside him. Ha-joon exhales, looking visibly relieved that there’s no real threat.

“Hop in,” Doyun says, getting out of the passenger side and gesturing for me to take his place.

I try to give Doyun a look that will soften his heart into letting me sit in the back, but he looks away from me and greets Hajoon. Holding my breath, I duck into the passenger seat.

Hoseok sits tall and rigid despite his show of casualness earlier. I feel like I could throw a bolt of lightning with how charged up I feel, too afraid to move too quickly for fear of exploding. Hajoon is oblivious to my current predicament, although I do catch Doyun’s eye in the rear view mirror.

He’s smirking.

“Where to?” Hoseok asks, quickly driving away from the bus zone. I turn around to look at Hajoon.

“Oh,” my bodyguard speaks up. “We were just going for lunch, I hadn’t decided where, yet.”

“I see.” I think he glances over at me but my eyes are glued to the road, refusing to look anywhere else besides those yellow lines that dot the street. Reminding myself with every line that there are some very clear lines here that I must not cross.

“...don’t mind, right?”

Hoseok’s voice sounds like it’s underwater as I only catch the last few words. Turning to him with wide eyes, I can feel the stares of both Doyun and Hajoon upon me. “I’m sorry, what? I didn’t catch what you said.”

Keeping his attention on the road ahead, Hoseok repeats himself. “I was asking if it was alright if we joined in on your lunch today. Doyun and I have been wanting to try this new place not far from here.”

Ignoring Hajoon’s puppy-dog gaze, I shrug. “That’s fine.”

♟

Sitting around the table, I sit directly across from Hoseok who keeps glancing at me every few seconds. Doyun and Hajoon are swapping stories, which means that Hajoon is practically drooling as Doyun talks about his time as a bodyguard for one of the most famous groups in the world.

It’s nice here. Probably too nice for a simple lunch before heading back to the agency, but I let it slide. Despite the knots in my stomach from Hoseok’s conflicted stare, it’s nice to be on good terms with him again.

He hasn’t reached out to me since I turned down his offer a couple of months again, but my mind has been elsewhere anyway. He’s been busy with work, I’ve been busy with stalkers.

Our food has just arrived when I see Hoseok staring at me, trying to get my attention amidst the neverending conversation between Doyun and Hajoon.

I furrow my brows. “What is it?”

“I think your phone was going off.”

Frowning, I take my phone out of my pocket. I had it on silent, how did he know-

The three occupants at my table appear to be completely engulfed in the meal before them, their eyes wide as they begin to taste the food and offer up their thoughts. I notice Hoseok’s phone sits beside his plate, face down.

“You’ve hardly touched your food,” Hajoon remarks, glancing over at me with a concerned expression. “Are you feeling alright?”

Setting my phone down and fighting the blush in my cheeks, I start to attack my food. “Sorry, got distracted.”

My blush only deepens when I hear Hoseok’s breathy laugh from across the table, and I stare down my noodles.

Lines, Ha-rin. Remember what side of the line you’re on.

Maybe I can’t resume what relationship we had before. This, however...this might work. Group lunches and harmless conversations might be just enough to help me move on.

As I see how Hoseok’s dark hair falls into his eyes and he brushes it back, looking up at me and smiling, I offer a small smile of my own.

September 2019

In September I learned that I would still love Jung Hoseok even if he did leak the tracks I labored over to the entire world. I also learned that he was still interested in listening to my work.

October 2019

In October I learned that friendships can be salvaged when it’s a true friend. I also learned that there’s more to a name than just letters. 

November 2019

In November I learned that Jung Hoseok will always come through, even if he’s been rejected. 

That little fact made me even more distraught over the fact that I had to reject him in the first place.

December 2019

In December I learned how to set my pride aside and reach out to him first. I also learned that I have very thin walls, because my neighbors were very upset when they heard me yelling at my TV. 

March 2020

I enter the Bighit building with a skip in my step, humming as I head toward my studio. I’ve just settled down in my chair and powered up my computer when Adora appears at my door.

“Hey!” I greet her, grinning wide but my smile slipping away when I see her concerned expression. “What’s wrong?”

She shakes her head. “Bang PD just called a meeting, he sent me to come grab you.”

My eyes widen as I follow her out into the hallway, Hajoon appearing and walking in front of us. “Are the boys…?”

She knows that I’m asking about BTS, who’ve just returned from their promotions in the states. It’s been a couple of months since I’ve seen them around. Today I was hoping to get to see them. I guess my wish is coming true.

“They’re fine. I think this has more to do with that virus?”

Frowning, I enter the conference room with her, my worries fading as I see Hobi sitting with the rest of his group in the far corner. He looks up at my arrival, giving me a small smile.

Sitting beside Adora, Bang Si Hyuk does a head count before getting down to it. “Thanks for coming up, everybody. I know this wasn’t in the schedule for today, but we really need to talk about some pressing matters here.”

The room is deathly quiet as Bang Si Hyuk begins to explain COVID-19, and possible repercussions. I watch as Yeonjun and Soobin whisper to each other, worried expressions painted on their faces. Namjoon sits up straight, his shoulders tight as he hangs onto every word being said.

When the words ‘tour’ and ‘postponed’ are brought up, the silence is broken by Yoongi. “How long do you think we’ll need to postpone it for? Just until the summer?”

Bang Si Hyuk’s face does little to hide his thoughts. “I...I really don’t know. I just think we have to hope for the best and prepare for the worst.”

After further discussing our options, we break to head back to work. Hobi heads straight out the door before anyone else, his polite smile hiding his distress.

Heading back to my studio, I debate whether or not I should go up to the top floor and check on him. There’s no doubt in my mind that that’s where he is right now, but I’m not sure if he’s really in the mood to talk. Should I bother him right now? There’s a lot on his mind, I’m sure. And we’ve all got a lot of work to do if we’re going to get ahead of this virus-

“Fancy some fresh air?”

I’m torn from my thoughts as I hear a deep voice from before me. I gasp as the same tall man from all those months ago outside of my apartment complex appears in the doorway of my studio, a smug grin on his face.

Turning around to call out for Hajoon, I hear him clicking his tongue.

“Now, we don’t want to make a scene, do we?”

I scowl at him. “Why wouldn’t I?”

He chuckles, the sound ugly coming from his mouth. “Cutting right to the point. Good, I like that.” Holding up his phone, he extends it to me. “Take a look for yourself, darling.”

When I don’t budge, he shakes his head as though annoyed with me before tossing his phone. I catch it, keeping one eye on him as I look at the screen.

It’s a photo.

“Feel free to scroll through, there’s more.”

I’m fairly certain that I’ve forgotten how to breathe as photo after photo of Hoseok and I appear. There’s one of the two of us eating in my studio, several of us in the parking lot and getting into his car...there’s even one of the two of us outside his apartment, Hoseok reaching out to steady me as I descend his stairs.

“And?” I muster up the courage to look back up at the man, trying to be as discreet as possible as I move my fingers in order to delete the photos. The man scoffs at me.

“You can delete them if you’d like.”

I pause, mouth dropping as his words hit. “...then-”

“All of these photos are backed up already in my own personal file. They’re ready to be sent off to Dispatch first thing in the morning, along with a write-up of Jung Ha-rin, the coveted producer from a failing company that Bang Si Hyuk bought out for one of his beloved idols.”

My blood begins to boil as I look back down at the last photo. It’s a more recent one, taken just a few months ago when we went out to lunch with Hajoon and Doyun.

I know what it looks like. Hoseok and I smiling at each other across the table, our bodyguards flanking us on either side. Dispatch will tear this apart.

“How about we take a walk together? I’m sure we could come to some sort of agreement, don’t you?” He grins at me, taking a step closer and resulting in me taking a step back. “It won’t take long. Fifteen, twenty minutes tops.”

Sparing the empty hallway one last glance, I take a deep breath. “What do you want from me?”

The man’s smile reminds me of an evil, over the top Disney villain. “Now that’s the golden question.”

Previous - Next

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taglist: @taylorroe3​ @dreamcatcherjiah @diorhoba @eusticenatalie @ddaeng-i-need-help

[amythecinnabunny]

Space AU and Time Travel for Juke 👀 <33

Holy shit holy shit holy shit ok ok ok ok first of all AKDBJSJSJJEJE YES

Okay okay so let me try to iron out the mess in my head skxbjsjjd I hereby apologize if things get out of order or whatever but I am literally vibrating with excitement someone please write this I'll love you forever

Ok so I'm thinking also an aged up au for ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* reasons *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ sjsnnsn

Also, I've done this before and I'm gonna do it again, but Bobby and Trevor are two different people for the sake of the timeline here.

Time frame for this would be WAY into the future. Humanity has gone galactic. We also had our asses handed to us by several alien planets but we probably deserved it. Anyway, after we got rid of Elon Musk, we eventually made peace with the aliens and now roam the galaxy freely. 20-30yo generally try to get into a different fleet, just to learn about other races. Think all those alien ships adopts a human posts.

Julie, Carrie and Flynn are my three girl geniuses. They're like,,, the smartest people in every room. They've been like this since freshman year of college. Julie, Carrie and Flynn also all want to get into the student exchange program, which is exactly what you think it is. Alien races (and this now includes humanity) swaps out older students with each other so they get a feel of what the other race is like. It's fun, educational, and! You get to make super long distance pen pals!

I'd also have so much fun making up new memes???? It would be so fucking stupid tho but I love it.

Anyway, so after a few years of jumping through the exchange programme, hoping from planet to planet, unfortunately, without their bestfriends :<, the three of them qualify to board research ships!!!

So at like 23-25, my girls come back together on the same ship!! Its a massive thing and so they've hired so many interns from so many different races. It's like a landing hub for several smaller ships. They have like 10 interns per species and that's only because there are laws against having too many of one kind after they put 50 humans on a space station and the humans tried to take over. Also, humans multiply faster than the others. This terrifies some races.

Anyway, the ship's really just a bunch of college kids from different planets trying to avoid exam season by submitting research papers from their ship. They all bond over deadlines, breakups and coffee (or the alien equivalent thereof)

Flynn dated an alien girl for a while. They were cute. Flynn: as a lesbian, it's my duty to date all the women in space

This is also where they run into Willie!!! Yay, Willie!!!

Nick Danforth-Evans and Kayla Evans-McKessie are around ... somewhere ... in bunk beds like the little toddlers they wish they were, crying about the 15 page essay on why Xjsbsjdjd is a very intelligent race that we could learn a lot from (yes, that is a keysmash I'm too buzzed to be creating alien species names sjdjjdjd)

Carrie and Nick do date for a while but then Carrie hooked up with Kayla. Bisexual queen who?

Julie met Willie that time she didn't sleep for over 48 hours because she had a research paper due within a week and she hadn't started yet and it was 10 000 words on her experiences with the Psjxjjdkeiwj race. Luckily for her, the kid she bumped into and spilled an energy drink all over had the same paper and helped her finish it. Willie sometimes goes by the nickname Lifesaver, thanks to Julie. This confuses the metaphor-less people because Willie's never saved anyone's life?? So why is he a lifesaver??

ANYWAY ON TO THE TIME TRAVEL BIT

On their own, Julie, Carrie and Flynn are professional smart people who know what they're saying and are clever enough not to do things with too many risks. In the same room, however, they turn into dumb geniuses who can and possibly may blow up the entire ship. It's a good thing they have Willie, Nick and Kayla to babysit them, right? WRONG. Willie Kayla and Nick egg them on.

They decide there going to gather all the information there is on time travel and they're going to decipher it and make it work! Yay!

When they find stuff in alien languages they start calling up their alien pen pals "hello what's this word mean in this context? What, haha oh no, it's a research paper on why time travel projects were abandoned before completion. Okay, thank you!"

Before long, they have a working time machine. I mean,, they hope so. And so they enter a random date from the past and prepare to pop their heads through just to see what the world looked like approximately 200ish years ago

2020s, post covid because that exists for joke reasons later, Sunset Curve is performing live for one of their biggest audiences yet when mid-song, the floor just opens them up and swallows them whole before vanishing. The crowd things it's a stunt but Sunset Curve's managers are flipping their shit

Back on the ship, the machine starts sparking and with a soft boom and a hiss, the power in that quadrant goes out -- not before Willie's is pelted in the face with a pair of drumsticks and then a whole person.

It's a miracle the drums survived the trip, pet alone everything else.

So now these sleep deprived geniuses and co. have to hide three people and several musical artifacts, plus the smoking remains of a time machine, from their Supervising Officer, who is regrettably, a human too.

And none of them are very good at lying.

Luke and Bobby are though, and after piecing together bits and pieces from the frenzied rambling around them, Luke and Bobby save the group.

Shenanigans ensue as they try to rebuild the time machine under the watchful eye of the SO, while trying to mantainbfake credentials for the boys and trying to explain their very dated clothing. (Yes, Sunset Curve STILL rocks the 90s vibe. In the 2020s. It's their thing.)

Willex happens in the background -- and I mean that very literally. (Jukebox having a tension moment, Willex making out in the background.)

Honestly I'm not sure yet how theyd solve the problems, whether they'd send the boys back or not or what, but I do know that they will all cause a BUNCH of problems in between.

Sometimes they play music just because they still can. Sunset Curve becomes a house band for the ship. They get broadcasted to neighbouring or passing ships like "hey, losers, we have live music, SUCK IT!"

Focusing on the jukebox aspect of this whole fic, that's gonna be a fucking hilarious slow burn.

It will definitely contain the lines "Oh my god, I have a crush on Julie." "Congratulations, you're officially the last to know." "What? Even [SO's Name] knows??" "Dude. The ship's navigation crew knows." "Does ... Julie know?" "No, you're both morons."

Julie is having the exact same conversation four hallways away.

They'd talk a lot about sending the boys back home and it'd be really quiet conversations when everyone else is asleep.

Julie and Luke write music together and after a while, Julie performs a few of them too. Thanks to the concerts, they meet the other human interns that were on the other end of the ship and Carrie and Kayla form Dirty Candy.

The ship becomes known as the party bus.

A thing that will happen: Luke helps Julie write one of her history papers that she gets an A+ for and a comment about how dedicated she was to have delved so far back in the history records to get authentic insight.

Julie and Luke speak in memes but they don't speak the same memes and it drives them both up the wall.

Luke says yeet one day and Julie's soul leaves her body because she hasn't heard anyone say yeet since she was a toddler back on Earth.

Julie: odd display, but acceptable.

Luke, physically experiencing a record scratch: what the fuck did you just say

That is all I have to offer because I'm afraid of plotting further and causing angst somehow.

oh one more thing, someone gets to bang an alien and it's probably Flynn.

Oh oh oh another one more thing. Reggie says "this is just like in Star Wars" for literally anything. The band goes along with it for shits and giggles. The rest of them are very interested in this ancient tale called Star Wars. Reggie sees a picture of Flynn and her green gf and says "hey, you dated photoshopped Yoda" and Bobby just loses his shit.

[popculturebuffet]

Amphibia: Night Drivers/Return to Wartwood Review “Many Happy Returns”

Hello you happy people. And Amphibia is back and that means my reviews are back! As for why this reviews a bit late despite it leaking, I wanted to wait for today, and long story short both focused on finishing a review that WASN’T time senstive, instead of finishing it Sunday, and overestimated how much time i’d have to do two reviews on a day that included my first covid shot, grocery shopping, helping mom clean the car, and my friend coming over to watch Judas and the Black Messiah. Excellent film by hte way, as was the Sound of Metal which we watched after. Point is I done goofed and I will try to at the very least actually get the reviews of the episodes out on the same day they come out. 

But slip up or not i’m happy to be back in the saddle, and back to Wartwood. I’m pumped for the heavier second half, with more secrets to uncover, some zelda style temple action, and some heavy drama with just a whiff of keith david, as well as to see the supporting cast from Wartwood again after far too long. So how’d the mid-season premire pair fair? Join me under the cut to find out. 

Night Drivers: I was really excited by the Road Trip idea when first announced for season 2. A chance to expand the world and get the plantars out of their comfort zone was an amazing concept and it did lead to some really great stories and interesting locales.. mixed with episodes that had interesting locations but no interesting plot or character stuff. It was a mixed bag, and disappointing after close to a year’s wait to continue the plot that it really didn’t outside of “Toadcatcher”. Anne never really dealt with her trauma and the show never dealt with hop pop’s poularity or anything else. Again there were GOOD episodes and ideas but it felt like the show stalled for a good chunk of the season till we got to Netwopia which while still having tons of slice of life stuff felt a lot fresher with it, and had a lot more fun playing with stock plots and gave us a fresh new setting to dig into. 

So I was a bit hesitant to go back to the road for an episode.. even if it was just one episode. Thankfully I was very wrong there as Night Drivers was a pretty good episode and would fit well among the best of the road trip arc like “Truck Stop Polly” “Fort in the Road” “Anne Hunter” “Toadcatcher” and “Wax Museum”.

The plot is straightforward: Sprig and Polly are excited that their almost home to wartwood and if Anne and Hop Pop drive all night they’ll be there by morning. Polly will get pillbug pancakes and Sprig will see Ivy again. This is part of a long tradtion of “skiping over the journey home because we’re tired and we wanna go home” in fiction. Jokes aside it’s a resonable device used to prevent ending fatigue and in this case to free up episodes for the second half. We already saw the journey once, we usually don’t need to see it again. To Amphibia’s credit they have valid reasons for it: The journey is LITERALLY sped up, as Hop Pop and Anne have been driving for 20 hours straight.. and their on a timer. As was established last time.. well the last time that wasn’t a spooky halloween episode, The Plantars have to get back for the harvest and really don’t have time to sightsee, while they all have to be there for whenever Marcy comes back to take Anne to the first temple. They’ve also traveled these roads before so while their going a whole other directoin, they know what perils to avoid. 

But as anyone whose taken a long cartrip can tell you, you can’t shotgun it forever and the two eventually tap out with Hop Pop telling Sprig and Polly not to night drive as it’s dangerous and blah blah blah standard parental warning that will be swiftly ignored. So once Hop Pop and Anne are conked out they swiftly ignore it after we get their dreams.. which are the best gags of the episode: Hop Pop has a dream with weird, really cool looking monsters that represent his faults, only for it to turn Lucid and him to start flying and take his shirt off and whip it around Muscle Man style. 

While Anne’s is about a yogurt world where there’s only one flavor... BLACK LICORICE. Yeah it quickly turns from Shopkins to the Lich From Adventure Time really fucking quick. 

So while Anne has a nightmare and Hop Pop becomes unto a god, Sprig and Polly drive all night, repreadtly running into a creepy hitchiker and realizing it is as dangerous as they said with bolders, even worse creatures than usual because of course theye’d be a lot of nasty things lurk in the dark why wouldn’t they on froggy death world, a nightmarish fog and nearly dying on said foggy road they took to evade the hitchiker. Naturally the scary hook handed hitchiker.. is a friendly one, simply trying to help them and saving them from going over a cliff. They do make it three miles from Wartwood and Hop Pop wakes up angry to find they disobeyed him.. but Anne gets him to back off as they clearly learned their lesson from the sleep deprviation and nearly dying, and our heroes head for home. 

Night Drivers isn’t an exceptional episode, but it is decent and still does belong with the other good road trip episodes, with some good dream sequences and a nice dynamic between Sprig and Polly. It was nice to have an episode with the two that was good unlike Quarallers Pass which made me want to run full speed into my nearest wall until I was given the sweet gift of unconciousness. While the Hook Handed man thing was a bit obvious it lead to some great gags. It’s a nice breather after the tearjerking mid-season finale and while we’ve obviously had months and a haloween episode between that, the creators rightfully realized a lot of people will be binging the series in the future. The issue I had with the first quarter of the season was it was ALL break and only a little plot progression. Here we’ve had a lot of plot progression in the last episode chronlogically, and are going to have a lot in the coming episodes with ‘After the Rain” coming next week. It’s nice to take a break and see the forest for the hook handed ghosts.

Return to Wartwood: I was excited and terrified of this one. I was excited because I missed the supporting cast from season one, mostly Ivy and Maddie, and was delighted to see them again in full. But I was also worried the show might pull out a melancholy breakup plot and having gotten attached to Ivy/Sprig and Hop Pop/Sylvia I was worried. And I was delightfully wrong as instead it’s another breather episode and an utterly fantastic one after the simply decent one above. 

Our heroes return, without being drawn by rob liefield or replaced by the Squadron Supreme first, and are happily greeted by the town. Aformentoined fears died a happy death as Sylvia squeezes Hop Pop and as for Sprig, Ivy unsuprisingly ambushes him. Everyone’s back and the Mayor, who I also badly missed is back using Toadie as a gong to get everyone back to buisness, with Swampy inviting them for a big dinner at his diner that night to celebrate and welcome them back.. and to give out their gifts. 

Sprig and Anne are equally confused while Polly and Hop Pop are sweating bullets. Turns out when they got the Fwagon they agreed to get a bunch of stuff for the town and forgot and now everyone’s on the hook for it and want to lie their butts off to solve it. In a nice show of character development, Anne has learned that the lying never solves anything “I think we’ve learned that lesson by now”. After SO many plots of the characters lying and it going terribly, it’s nice to have someone speak up. Sprig also wants to lie but only becuase he’s deeply afraid Ivy will break up with him as she wanted a Red Sun shell to go with the blue moon shell she gave him. Awwww. And oh crap. 

So our heroes head home to plan and kick Chuck out (“I grew tulips”). So they do the natural thing... and decide to summon an edltich beast from the necronomicon... which of course Maddie gave Sprig as a present (”Aww that’s nice”. Agreed Polly, agreed.). I also can’t help but love the line “We’re all cull with practicing the dark arts to solve our problem right?” So our heroes get the proper summoning horn, thing to go with the horn and some candles.. i’ts not part of the ritual but Anne says it helps with ambience and it’s right. 

So our heroes summon the Chikalisk, an edltich god that’s naturally basalisk in all but name, which dosen’t attack unless attacked and goes after gold. So they fake some golden presents, and the beast attacks at the party.. but the town naturally fights back, and our heroes are forced to help fight the monster as it stonifies people. So we get a truly glorious battle sequences as the whole town shows off how badass they are, with Maddie curing people, Sylvia showing she can keep up with Hop Pop and Ivy showing her already established badass bonafieds. It’s just awesome. Also the Mayor uses Toadie as a shield not realizing he’s turned to stone which can only remind me of this. 

Once the townsfolk are freed they get into Chickalisk formation (”We have a formation for that?” “We have a formation for everything!”) And it’s offended enough to just nope out. The townsfolk are depressed though the presents got destroyed and Anne glares the family into coming clean. And while the mayor seems mad at first... he just laughs with everyone taking it in stride: It was boring without them getting into trouble and learning lessons every week, and they missed them.  Ivy likewise dosen’t care about a gift she just missed her boyfriend.. and asks Sprig to take her on a proper date and smooches him on the cheek leaving both him and Anne catatonic, with Polly dragging Anne away and sprig just falling over before Maddie hits him with the potion. It dosen’t work that way, end episode. 

Return To Wartwood was a standout episode, with tons of great jokes, pacing and a nice plot that showed growth in anne. While Night Drivers was decent, this was the show at it’s : Sweet, deranged and adventurous all in one episode. While Night Drivers was a good appitizer this was one hell of an entree. Or an appetizer sampler which I often use as an entree. Great episode and a nice high note to start on. 

Next Time: We get an Ivy focused episode!

And Hop Pop is finally forced to own up to his lies!

As the twin kermits sooth you if you liked this review, follow me for more, check the amphibia tag for more reviews from this season and join me on patreon. If I get another patreon, i’ll add reviewing season 1 to my 25 dollar stretch goal so look out for that and my next one at 20 dollars, only 5 dollars away, nets a monthly review of a darkwing duck episode. Check it out and i’ll see you at the next rainbow. 

[chachkayes]

Sweet Relief - Mer x Hayes

Okay so this fic was based off a very short, misspelled fic outline that I wrote while I was half-awake after having a dream about Merhayes, only to be woken up to the sound of my cat crying. The outline itself was maybe 300 words long, if that. The full fic is about 2100 words - so honestly good on sleepy me for coming up with such an in depth fic idea. Enjoy :)

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The beach. It was where Meredith had escaped to when Derek had died, and it had become her solace with Derek while she was dying. Derek knew that as much as he wanted to be with the love of his life again, that he’d have to wait a while longer before finally getting to embrace her again. It wasn’t her time to go yet. Meredith was able to get closer to him as she got closer to crossing the threshold between life and death – and they were the point where they were able to sit beside each other on the beach, close enough so they didn’t have to yell to hear each other, but not close enough to the point where they could touch each other.

“Meredith.” Derek said after a long period of silence. Meredith looked over at her husband, the most content she’d felt in a very long time. “Meredith – you can’t stay here.” He finally told her. “As much as I love you and being able to see you – it’s not your time. The kids need you. Zola and Bailey are old enough now to remember how it’ll feel to lose their mom. Zola remembers losing me and she already has trust issues. Can you imagine what losing you would do to her? And Ellis – I never got to meet her. All she knows is you. She can’t lose you and not remember you as she grows up.” Meredith looked away from Derek as a tear fell down her cheek. “Hell, Meredith, Amelia needs you. She is barely holding it together as it is – her sobriety will be severely compromised if she has to tell her nieces and nephew that momma isn’t coming home. She needs you for advice and help with Scout. You need to see your nephew grow up, Mer.” Meredith stared at the sunset, trying to enjoy the peaceful waves hitting her feet. “And Maggie? She’s been losing more COVID patients than not. She is breaking down every time she talks to her boyfriend about how scared she is of losing you. You are the one person she trusts most in this world since losing her mom. She just lost Sabie too – if you die, if you cross the threshold and get to me, she might not survive it.”

Derek sighed as the water splashed against his feet. He knew that Meredith wasn’t fully listening to a word he said. “Cormac Hayes. That name sound familiar?” He finally said after contemplating how he’d get Meredith’s attention enough to convince her to live. It worked – Meredith’s head whipped around and her eyes met Derek’s. “How… what? What does he have to do with this?” Derek laughed. “I’m always with you Meredith, watching over you and our kids. I know who he is.” Meredith sighed and looked down at her feet. “He has everything to do with this. He’s a good man who cares about you more than he’s willing to admit to you or himself. He’s the one who saved your life. God, I wish you could’ve seen how quickly he came to your aide when he realized you’d collapsed. Heard how upset and distraught he was.” Meredith was listening to every word Derek had to say. “He’s one of my best friends there now.” She spoke up. “I know. I also know that if you die, Meredith, he will never believe in love again. He’s constantly finding ways to get updates on you. He sits in your room and asks his wife to keep you alive.” Tears were rolling down Meredith’s face and Derek wanted nothing more than to reach out and wipe them away. “Your death would fundamentally change the person he’s become. The people that Amelia, Maggie, Bailey, Richard have become. It’s not that I don’t want you to stay. I have missed being with you more than you could imagine. But you can’t stay here, it’s not your time. You’re too needed elsewhere.”

Finally, Meredith stood up, and Derek did the same. They faced each other, and Meredith took in every feature on Derek’s face. “I love you.” She finally said. “I love you too. And I’m always by your side, watching over you. But listen to me carefully – I don’t want you to be alone when you go back. Be with someone who you feel safe with, someone who will love you unconditionally, who will always choose you over everything and everyone else, and who knows and understands you fundamentally. You deserve to be happy. You and the kids deserve some stability.” Meredith began to walk backwards towards her starting point. “I’m going to miss you.” She said to Derek as more tears rolled down her face. “I know. But I’m always just a dream away.” He blew her a kiss and she finally turned around, walking faster to the log. One last time, before sitting down and waking up again, she looked to Derek. He was waving goodbye to her. “I love you!” She yelled. “I love you too!” He yelled back, and she finally sat down, heading back to her earthly body.

Teddy Altman and Andrew DeLuca stood outside Meredith’s window. It’d been a week since she’d fallen asleep and became unresponsive – making it 11 days since she’d first been admitted into the hospital. Her lungs weren’t getting worse, but she was showing no signs of getting better either. That’s why, when Meredith Grey moved her hand and slowly opened her eyes, Teddy Altman and Andrew DeLuca ran into Meredith’s room and immediately started trying to get her to wake up fully. They spoke loudly and grabbed O2 masks, restraining her as she fought back. “Get… off of me.” Meredith said as she wrestled with whoever was holding her hands down. “I feel better. I’ll keep the oxygen on. But for the love of god, get off of me.” Reluctantly, they let her go. “You guys are really loud, you know that right?” She glared at them. “Sorry, Mer.” Andrew chuckled. “Can I at least listen to your lungs?” Begrudgingly, Meredith obliged. “Fine.” Teddy grabbed her stethoscope and placed against Meredith’s chest and back. “Lungs seem to be improving.” Meredith smiled weakly. She may have been asleep for 7 days, but she was still tired and weak. In a moment of remembering what Derek had told her, she looked up to Teddy and asked, “Can you page Hayes for me?” Both Teddy and Andrew made insanely confused faces at Meredith’s request. “Are you sure you don’t want me to page, you know, your sisters?” Meredith brought her head back and blinked slowly. “No. I want to talk to Hayes right now, before I forget everything I need to say.” Andrew seemed to take major offence at Meredith’s lack of recognition for his presence, and that instead she was immediately asking for Cormac Hayes, someone he’d continuously argued with about Meredith’s care while she was out. “Okay, I’ll page him. DeLuca, let’s go.” Teddy sent the page off and DeLuca scoffed as he exited the room with Teddy.

Cormac Hayes was sitting at the computer, completely bored out of his mind on the peds floor, unable to shut his mind off from worrying about Meredith. His heart skipped a million beat when his pager went off, the room number connecting to Meredith’s. Every worst-case-scenario ran through his mind as he threw on his PPE and bolted to the elevator to get to her. To his surprise, when he reached Meredith’s room, she was lying in bed, alone, awake, and watching for him. He breathed a sigh of relief at the sight of her, alive. He put on the rest of his PPE and carefully opened her door. “Hey.” She said, smiling weakly at him. The sight of Meredith Grey smiling at him overwhelmed Hayes, and he could feel himself start to cry tears of complete relief. “Hey, hey. Come here. I’m alive, I’m okay.” She extended her hand, motioning for him to go sit on the end of her bed. “You were right, you know. This virus had nothing on me.” They laughed together at her reference. “I was so worried about you while you were unresponsive. I’m so relieved you’re alive.” Hayes said, looking directly into Meredith’s eyes. She grabbed his hand, squeezing it. “Me too.” She finally told him. “You know, I saw Derek while I was asleep.” He smiled at the thought of Meredith’s reaction to seeing her late-husband again. “And, he told me something. It took me a little off guard.” Hayes tilted his head. “I bet it was nice, seeing Derek again. What did he say?” Meredith gripped onto Hayes’ hand a little tighter. “He told me… that he’s watching over me. And then he said that if I had died, that you’d never believe in love again. What did he mean by that?” Hayes closed his eyes. Who could’ve guessed that the reason why Hayes had fallen for Meredith would also be the one to make him tell Meredith about the feelings for her that he was terrified of? “Before Abby died, she told me that it was okay to move on, that I had her permission. But I didn’t want to believe in love again after mine was taken from me so soon. I didn’t even think I could let myself feel anything for anyone else besides Abby. That was, until I met you. Had you died, I don’t know if I would’ve ever let myself feel anything for anyone ever again, since they seem to keep being taken from me so quickly.” Meredith sighed at Hayes’ words.

She had a suspicion that Hayes had feelings for her, but she never expected those feelings to be so deep for her. “You deserve to be happy, Hayes. Even if I hadn’t made it.” Hayes chuckled a little. “Grey, you’re starting to sound like Abby.” He said, which made Meredith laugh. “I just want you to know… let yourself feel whatever it is that you’re feeling. Because you’re not the only one experiencing them. I have them for you too.” Hayes looked at her, surprised. Meredith adjusted their hands that sat together so comfortably, and she laced their fingers together. “We don’t have to jump into anything. But know that I don’t feel like I have a decision to make, or options to choose from anymore. You told me, and Derek told me, to choose someone who would pick me over and over again, over everything and everyone. That’s you.” Had COVID not been an issue, Cormac Hayes would have kissed Meredith Grey right there and then. Instead, he pulled her in tightly for a hug. “I was hoping you’d apply that advice to whoever you chose to be with. Meredith, I promise that I will always choose you no matter what. I don’t commit lightly – when I say I’m in, I’m all in.” They pulled away from their hug. “So, what you’re saying is that you’re in?” Meredith said, her heart racing. “I am.” He responded to her. They smiled at each other, not saying a word. After a few moments of complete silence, Meredith spoke up “That sounded nice.” She said, running her hand over Hayes’. “What does?” He said, looking down at their hands and tangling their fingers together. “You calling me Meredith.” A sense of peace filled the room as both surgeons understood that Derek and Abigail had brought them together.

“Would you mind paging Maggie and Amelia? I haven’t seen them in a long time, and I figure Maggie could use some good news right now.” Hayes nods at her, and pages Meredith’s sisters to her room. Not too long after, he gets paged back to the peds floor. “It’s been so quiet on the peds floor today I’m almost surprised I got paged. I’ll come by again to see you later.” Meredith nodded, understanding that feeling all too well. “I’m already looking forward to it. Now, go save a life.” She smiled at him, and with one last hug, Hayes went on his way.

A few minutes later, Maggie and Amelia breathlessly barge into Meredith’s room, overjoyed at the sight of her alive, breathing, and happy. For the next hour, Meredith told them everything that happened while she was asleep – about Derek, George, and Lexie, and how Derek said he missed them, which made them cry, especially Amelia. However, she refrained from telling them anything about Hayes and the recent developments between them. They didn’t need to know quite yet.  

[greenygreenland]

If I Were You: Fives x Reader Pt 2

-pt two. Here’s part 1

Summary: It’s been half a month since Fives first appeared in your room. He’s settled into your home because he knows there’s no way of getting home. Everything is peaceful, and you find comfort in each other. Your parents come home today, and you have to find out a way to hide him from them Warnings: Borderline abuse (very brief), mentions of abuse/violence, pressure from school, COVID-19 mentions, swearing

“--and then I slug him in the jaw and he’s so shocked that he can’t move!” You shake your head as Fives continues reminiscing about a short run-in with some ‘Separatist scum’. You can’t say it’s not entertaining when you yourself absolutely despise the Seps for what they’ve done during the Clone Wars. The guy definitely deserved it. Fives continues on for a while, telling his favourite stories about the 501st as he sips on the juice you’d given him earlier.

You eventually decide to move to the living room, where it’s much more comfortable than the kitchen. Picking up the remote and flopping down on the couch, you turn on the TV.

It’s still mesmerizing to Fives. He’s seen you scroll through Disney Plus, Netflix, and Hulu so many times, yet he can’t get over the amount of shows available. Sure, there was the holonet back at home, but that couldn’t ever compare to the media here. Everything was in colour, and it wasn’t as bulky as a holoprojector. 

Suddenly, you pause, hovering over the show Star Wars the Clone Wars. It’s written in giant blocky letters in yellow, so it catches Fives’s eye rather quickly. “Is that the show I’m in?” he lightly inquires. There’s a cold sensation in his gut, but he ignores it. You nod, mindlessly clicking on it. “I grew up with this show. It’s taught me more about life than anything else, really. When I was in a pretty bad place it helped me pull through.” 

There’s a soft smile on your face that Fives admires more than anything in the galaxy. It’s like an invisible warm hug, and it engulfs him in an overwhelming amount of happiness. A loud fanfare of...something (he’s never really known any instruments) bombards his ears, and he’s turning to the screen so fast that he could have given himself whiplash. 

Admiral Yularen’s voice fills the quiet space. He has to restrain himself from straightening up because it’s just a show. But that’s when something happens. He catches sight of himself on screen, saluting to his Captain and General. The screen freeze for a second, and it ripples like a hologram. The image of himself disappears, and then the TV goes static, flashing in a mixture of blues, grays, blacks, and greens. 

“This can’t be good.” he says, mostly to himself. You glare at the screen, randomly pushing the buttons on the remote as if it’d fix everything. It doesn’t and you know this, but you continue anyway as Fives’s gaze darts from you to the TV. A short sigh escapes your lips. “My parents are going to--” 

You freeze, cutting yourself off as a familiar rumble catches your ear. Fives hops to his feet as you drop the remote, silently making his way to the window just above the driveway. You follow him as he takes a peek behind the curtains. It’s silent for a moment and you know you hadn’t been mistaken. 

“(Y/n), are these your parents?”

“Dank ferrick.” 

Fives looks surprised at your colourful answer before smirking to himself. That’s soon wiped off his face as the front door knob begins to jiggle. You both lock gazes, eyes wide in terror. “You have to hide!” You turn off the TV and frantically knot your hand in his. And suddenly, you’re practically flying up the stairs with Fives in tow. You didn’t even know you could run that fast, but maybe that was because you knew your ‘fight or flight’ had been activated. 

You throw open the door to your room and slam it behind as the front door opens. Fives is scurrying into the closet as you scramble to stuff whatever evidence of his existence into his arms. He tosses his sweaters, trousers, and shirts (you bought with your own money) as deep into your closet as he can. You flick off the lights and open your curtains wide. 

Fives shuts the closet door. You whip out your laptop and a few notes from your physics class, neatly spreading them on your desk along with a few highlighters and pens. 

“(Y/n)!”

That’s your mum. She sounds almost glad to see you. 

“(Y/n), come downstairs will you?” 

You turn on your laptop, flipping to Google Classroom as if your life depended on it--and it certainly did. Once it’s open, you stand from your desk and walk downstairs, putting on the brightest smile you can. “Hi mum!” you call. She smiles at you, covering up a cough as she removes her shoes. “I’m sorry we’ve been gone for so long. Your father’s been busy, and I couldn’t leave him in Chicago all by himself. You know how it can get there.”

The smile is wearing on your face and you know it. Your mum is a kind person, she’s always been, but because of that, she tries to hide her sickness from you. She’s been sick for a while, but she wouldn’t tell you why. Of course, that didn’t stop your father from telling you. He said it was cancer, but your mum replied with, ‘It’s the common cold’ instead. 

Speaking of your father, he emerged from the door. You didn’t need to look at him to know he wasn’t too happy. “Hi...dad.” you quietly say. Your mum puts a hand on your shoulder and that seems to bother him. “What are you doing down here? Go study. You’re not going to be a doctor if you aren’t persistent.” You frown in confusion. “I thought you wanted me to go to MIT--”

“You’d be more useful as a doctor than a mindless computer addict. Maybe if you had skipped a few grades, then you could have found a cure already.” You wanted to be offended, but a voice inside your head made you keep your cool. It wouldn’t do anyone any good if you fought fire with fire anyway. 

There is no emotion, there is peace, you think to yourself with a sigh. Your mum notices, and she gives your shoulder a good squeeze before beckoning you upstairs. You turn to her as she tensely smiles and comply, quietly going up the stairs. You hear someone flop down on the couch, probably your father, and ice shoots up your veins. 

Panic blinds you as you race up the last few steps and dart into your room like you were being chased by a lightsaber. 

It doesn’t take a genius to know what happened. You hear him shout your name and you lock the door behind you. Fives slowly opens the closet door. You can feel his worry as he frowns, and you can’t blame him. Your father sounds beyond angry. If you didn’t know better, you would have thought someone had robbed him. 

“(Y/N)!”

You visibly flinch and Fives decides it’s high time he comes out of hiding. He’s suddenly by your side, locking your hand in his. “You’re shaking.” You look down at your hand weaved between Fives’s fingers with a mindless shrug. “I’m,” your voice wobbles, “fine. It’s going to be fine. It’s--it’s fine. It’s fine.” 

“They’re not going to do anything to you, right?” Fives inquires. You meet his gaze with teary eyes. No words come out of your mouth, but he doesn’t need any to know what you’re thinking. 

The door rattles. You flinch at the shout from the other side, instinctively taking a step back as if it’d help you. “Fives, Fives...” You’re looking at him again, silently pleading for the help you didn’t even know you needed. You had always been alone. Always. No one had been by your side until Fives came along, and it’s then that you begin to realise how bad your situation is. 

He gives your hand a comforting squeeze that makes your knees go weak. “They can’t hurt you.” His tone is firm yet gentle. “Not if I have anything to say about it.” He makes his way to the door. It’s still rattling as he unlocks it, and then it bursts open as your father shouts again. The last time Fives had seen someone this angry was when the General had gone on that Zyggerian mission. The mere mention of the word ‘slave’ had sent the Jedi into an inferno anger that no one could calm. 

But this puny simpleton? 

His anger wasn’t as terrifying as his General’s. Fives couldn’t feel a single ounce of fear as he stared the taller man down. He looked about ready to murder Fives, but that wasn’t the least of his concerns. The man jabs a finger at his chest and Fives has to resist smacking it away. “So not only has my sad excuse of a daughter broken the TV, but also smuggled in a goddamn boy while we were gone!” 

You watch as your father raises his arm, recoiling to ready a punch. Your eyes widen, and you almost have the nerve to feel bad for him. It was never a smart idea to pick a fight with an ARC trooper--much less a soldier like Fives. 

Your father growls, “I’ll kill you both!”

It all happens too fast. Your father throws a punch, Fives catches it, and then it goes deathly quiet. He’s seething as your father trembles in his dark glare. “If this is how a family functions, I’m glad I only have my brothers.” The temperature seems to drop ten degrees with each word he stresses. “It doesn’t matter what happens, no one, and I mean no one should be treated like this. It’s downright abuse. I won’t stand for something so kriffing wrong.” 

This is a side of Fives you know but haven’t witnessed off-screen. He had been like this with Krell, and even though the situations varies from Umbara, his emotions aren’t any different. “Sure, the TV’s broken, but you haven’t even heard why it happened! What kind of father goes around and threatening to kill his own daughter?” 

Your father tries to storm past Fives, but he only tightens his grip on your father’s wrist. “Don’t try it.” 

Your father tries anyway. He whips out a knife--a knife-- and aims for Fives’s neck. Of course, Fives is quick--quicker than the shows give him justice. He dodges, swiping a leg under your father before pinning him down under his knee. The knife falls from your father’s hand and Fives is pulling both his arms behind his back. It’s not enough to hurt him, but it sure does scare him. “Let me go you fucking psycho! You’re gonna pay!” 

Fives looks like he wants to say anything, but he doesn’t, and you know it’s because he’s so baffled by your family dynamics. He hadn’t known any brothers who would do that, and he was glad too. “Oh I’m ‘gonna pay’? I think you’ll have fun taking that to the authorities. What number are you supposed to dial in these situations?” he inquires. 

“Let you go you goddamn--!”

“911.” you quietly answer. “But are you sure?” Fives nods and glances at your phone. You snatch it off the table, tapping the emergency call button and dialling the number. 

-------

Your mother stares at the police car as Fives shamelessly interlocks his fingers with yours. The cars drive away, the lights glimmering in the last light of day. You catch a glare from your father, hardening your stare on him until he begrudgingly turns away. Fives looks rather pleased, but there’s a hint of disturbance on his face. You know the mere idea of family against family riled him up, but he’s good at hiding it anyway and puts on a smile for you. 

Your mother walks up the front stairs of the house, arms crossed as if she’s hugging herself. She turns to you and Fives, briefly glancing at your interlocked fingers. You’re expecting her to say something. Instead, she studies your face and smiles. It’s a bit rough round the edges but full of so much love. 

“What is your name young man?” 

Fives glances at you before turning to your mum. “Fives, ma’am.”

“Fives?” 

“Yes, ma’am.” 

She doesn’t know what to say, so she stays quiet for a moment. “Is there any way I can thank you?” He turns to you, and then your mum. You seem to know what he’s thinking and give his hand a squeeze in support. “Uh, if it’s not too much trouble, is it okay if I stay here ma’am?” 

“He doesn’t have any family in the area, and it’s not like he can go anywhere with the pandemic.” you smoothly elaborate. “Can he stay mum? Please?” 

Your mum smiles again as if she knows something you don’t. She has something in her pocket that she glances at before eyeing you and Fives. “Of course he can stay. After all, you two are made for each other.” You’re about to ask what your mum means by that, but she’s already walking back in the house. 

And so you look to Fives, who giddily smiles in reply. He knows there’s no turning back now. It’s not like he can return home anyway, which isn’t something he isn’t unhappy about. Without warning, he leans towards you, planting a kiss on your cherry, red lips. He pulls away rather quickly, cheeks red. “Wow, never done that before.” he nervously admits. You snort, ignoring the racing of your heart. “Why don’t we try that again?” 

After all, you two are made for each other.

You smile at your mum’s words and kiss him again. Your heart continues to slam against your chest, and you’re still not sure if you’re doing it right, but it doesn’t matter because you know you two were meant to be. 

PART 3

[adventures-in-poly]

0 Posts in 2020

You’d think that I’d have something Very Profound to say about the interactions between the pandemic and poly, but it turns out I haven’t wanted to write about that subject very much at all. I won’t say that the pandemic has sucked all the inspiration from my brain, just that it has shuffled inspiration around in unexpected ways and away from writing.

The pandemic has felt like it’s pressed the pause button on my poly life. My husband (M) can’t go out on dates because OTHER PEOPLE ARE DANGEROUS. I also can’t go out on dates for the same reason, but moreover, I choose not to go on dates because I’m just So Damn Exhausted. I’ve seen my boyfriend (Crow) only three times this year: once before the pandemic and twice since, and that’s only possible because his house has this large porch where we can do social distancing outside. I haven’t kissed him since January and I’ve only hugged him once, masks on and faces turned away, and I held my breath the whole time. I haven’t had sex with anyone in over a year, and I can’t even “blame” that on the pandemic. It’s a choice. Guess I’ve gone full asexual, and I say “guess” because, while asexual is an accurate descriptor, I still don’t feel really great about adopting that as a personal identity. I’m not even upset about the no sex part though. I’m happy about it. My Magic Wand knows exactly what I want and all the nuances of my body and it’s much less painful than skin on skin.

The pandemic is NOT a good thing. It is NOT a good thing that millions of people have died, and it is NOT a good thing that we as a community are touch-starved and relationship-starved and can’t seem to figure our shit out.

That said.

I’m going to be honest. It has felt nice not having to worry, poly-wise. I hate that that’s a thing that I feel, but this blog is and has always meant to be about honesty. It feels like a relief knowing that I am not going to be in a situation where I have to watch my husband drunkenly and sloppily hit on other women at parties that we are meant to both enjoy. It feels like a relief knowing that he isn’t going to tell me, “I’m going to meet someone that I’ve been talking to on Tinder”, that the bomb isn’t going to fall on me. Because that’s what it is. “I came in like a wrecking ball.” The fear that someone else will enter our lives - my life - and I’ll have no control over it, and I’ll hate it, and I’ll lose myself.

I have a lifelong fear of being replaced. Of being “not good enough”. I hesitate to call it a fear of being unlovable, because I’ve never doubted that people love me and like me. I think they do. But the fear is that, when my needs butt up against someone else’s, theirs will always win. As a child, my parents taught me all about caring for other people, being generous, being self sacrificing, being kind. They immigrated to the US from England a few years before I was born, and as a result, I was brought up with a European mindset (others before yourself) in an American environment (look out for number one). And, as a result -- even though my parents were extraordinarily caring, even though I was an only child, even though they were generous with their time and attention, even though I had a very happy childhood -- I somehow learned that I would always be second place. Always the one to sleep on the floor at sleepovers so the guest or the host could get the bed. Always the one to get a boring piece of cake so a louder and therefore more deserving child could get the piece with the flower. Petty shit like that that translated into real adult problems. Just two nights ago, on New Year’s Eve, I had told my husband I’d wanted us to change the sheets, and as I ascended the stairs to bed I forlornly reminded him that we hadn’t changed the sheets - terrified and fully preparing myself to be let down because he was having a good time at an online New Year’s Eve party and of course that meant that my needs would subside. (They didn’t. The world doesn’t work like that. My husband shows me over and over again that my needs are important to him, and yet I Still Never Learn.)

I can say with full honestly that I am no longer really jealous of my boyfriend and his wife anymore. I used to be, a little. I used to be jealous that he would want to visit her at her shift before he came over for dates, or that he’d want to bring her to casual outings with me, or that at any point the two of them could decide they’d want to move back to San Diego and that would be that. I don’t feel those things anymore. I haven’t for a long time. It’s some sort of consequence of she and I becoming legitimate good friends, plus me and my husband moving an hour away, plus just being too damn old and too damn tired to give shits anymore.

Then again, their relationship was never the kind that was going to prick my skin up and put me on guard. I was the new person, not her. I don’t have a complex about older, more established relationships.

But the idea of my husband finding somebody new, even though our relationship is solid? Sends me into chaos. Even now. I wish I could say that it’s changed in the 5 years since we opened things up, but it hasn’t. It hasn’t really at all.

I’d wanted this blog to document my journey from new to seasoned poly, from a jealous wreck to someone who had learned to love herself and meditate through the pain. That’s not what happened. I’m not sure if it’s ever going to happen. My husband hasn’t had enough actual relationships to give me practice experiencing the very discomfort that makes me want to scream until my insides explode out, and the few times it has happened, I felt like I was living in a shock chamber and turning into the kind of person I don’t want to be.

I wanted to evolve, for the sake of my readers, into someone who fully accepts a poly lifestyle. To show that it can be done. No -- to show, specifically, that I could do it, that I could logic and reason my way through all the shit and prove myself to be better than my jealousy. I don’t think that’s what’s going to end up happening. I think it’s no secret at this point that I don’t really love this whole poly thing. I am still actively choosing it, but not always for reasons that I endorse. What if I decided I didn’t want to do it anymore? Would I lose my husband? Would I lose my boyfriend? Could I ethically give up my relationship with my boyfriend to create monogamy with my husband? Could I ethically ask my husband not to go on dates while I still retain my relationship with my boyfriend? It’s all shit, really. None of it is a good outcome. And the pandemic has allowed me to stall my non-decisions for a year because it’s not like we can see other people anyway. And isn’t it great when some external force gives you a reprieve from the things you’re afraid of.

But while the pandemic has put my poly life on pause, it’s put my healing and growth around poly stuff on pause as well. Sure, it feels fucking great on the surface, but it’s not actual growth. I’m not forever in a place where I will feel secure. It’s going to end eventually (vaccinate me, babyyyyyyyy!!!), and the parties will start again, and the dates will start again, and my terrified introvert ass is afraid that everything collectively will swing in the opposite direction super hard. Free love! Casual sex everywhere! Everyone wants to hang out all the time! How could you possibly want to be alone at a time like this! And that fear extends beyond poly stuff and beyond just me and my husband - I’m not ready for the world to become a giant party. I don’t want that world. I don’t want to live in that world but I also don’t want to miss out on the collective bonding experience that is almost sure to come from the end of Covid. So the reprieve I’m feeling now is only surface level great because it’s a pause, not an end, and I don’t feel any more equipped to deal with my jealousy and my social anxiety and my feelings of not being good enough than I did at the beginning of this damn pandemic.

Part of me wishes I could “get over my shit”, and part of me wants to cling onto my shit and defend it. Like why am I the one who has to change, why am I the one who has to evolve, what’s wrong with feeling the way I feel? Why is this a “my shit” thing, like I’m alone and all my problems are caused by my own feelings? Why do other people NeEeEeEeEd to go on dates and have sex. Why does my husband need that. Why am I not good enough. Why is the problem that I feel jealousy and insecurity; why is the problem not that he feels [insert whatever he feels here. unsatisfied? no, that’s not it. incapable of being fully satisfied by a single person? that seems extreme. incapable of surrounding himself with platonic friendships in the way that comes so naturally to me and many of my women friends, and much more able to connect with people he is in a romantic/sexual relationship with, and so needs to create many romantic/sexual relationships to fill that void that otherwise would be filled with friendships - which is not actually something I believe about him, I think he could make really great friendships with the right tools, but is something he’s expressed to me and is also something that’s pretty common around people raised as men? is that too harsh?]

I’m trying to look for a good ending for this post, but, like an explanation for my feelings, I don’t think I’m going to find satisfaction here.

[sera-cb]

My vaccine experience has been terrible and stressful and it’s put me in a really weird spot where I 100% believe everyone should get this thing if they’re at all able, but also am terrified to try again myself. Which I have to do, it turns out! Because even with this capitalism’s efforts to do things cheaply and as automated as possible has just absolutely fucked me apparently.

Like first off, I have a day job five days a week and every other weekend I am scheduled to do art streams, one for backers and one for comms, which both are typically needed to make ends meet.  Work won’t pay me to miss time for side effects, and I’m finding it very difficult to do these big-ass seven hour streams two weekends in a row on top of my usual work weeks, so finding the right time to get the first dose was a nightmare, but also

that nightmare began with like an hour wait inside of a Walgreens to see if the last appointment would show up or not, because “walk-ins open” is sort of only half true I guess, but largely because if they just gave it to me they’d need to open a new set of the things and they’d all go bad for my sake and that sucks.  Fine, I get it, but the dude didn’t show so they scheduled me for the next day.

Then, as I was walking away, the dude shows up, and the guy flags me down and goes “hey let’s do it now after all.”  Rad, I thought. Progress.

Another hour waiting in Walgreens.

I finally get the shot. She hands me some papers. I need to wait around for 15 minutes to be observed, they said. Alright, fine. I read the papers while I wait; the side effects of the shot possibly killing you are basically 1:1 with what happens to me during a panic attack. I’ve developed this weird history with needles where I get panic attacks or something adjacent with some weird and mildly random delay after getting any kind of shot.  Now I’m thinking about that and the room is spinning. I call my wife hoping she’ll talk me down. I get about two sentences into that call before I wake up to my phone ringing on the floor.  Nobody on staff notices.

Three hours after getting there, I hobble out of Walgreens. I’m basically wiped out for three days - even without the shot, the weird lightheaded shit I get from these pass-out sessions does some vile stuff to the rest of my body that lingers for a day or two sometimes.

I was advised that since I got the shot day-of after all I’d need to reschedule my appointment, though, and this led to problems.  Walgreen’s vaccine setup only does appointments in pairs; if you missed the first, you won’t get the second, and there was to our knowledge no way to do just the second, especially via their robo phone tree. Kaz deals with Walgreens all the time for her meds, so she knows how to get through the phone tree - it’s by being so hostile that I feel bad for the robot, for the record - but when asking if we could schedule just a second shot either they hung up on us or the line went dead.

I said “screw it, I’ll just show up in a few weeks,” but then I just never did, because I didn’t have a hard deadline to my knowledge and I was quite stressed out from the whole experience, but it turns out that the day I finally worked up the will to get the second dose? Where I had people willing to be there for me in case things went south again?

Three days after the six week deadline before the whole thing is moot, which nobody told me about.

So now I’m back to square one, barely able to work my will up for one more shot but staring down two, wondering if this means I now have the option to go somewhere else or if that counts as mixing vaccines, which even I know to be bad, and feeling incredibly lost and frustrated with the whole thing.

And the brutal truth is that none of these places have accommodations for Kaz that would allow her to get the damn shot anyway! She can’t stand around a Walgreens for hours. She could barely walk back to where the pharmacy even is, and all like two chairs back there are made for skinny little asses so she’d have nowhere to sit while her spine declares war on her. (And this is all ignoring that she basically can’t go out during daylight without a bunch of excess precaution since her antidepressants have rendered her some sort of vampire in the skin department, by which I mean the amount of time it takes for her to get sunburnt is less than the time it takes to walk to the car from the house.)

So I’d still need to act like I haven’t had the shot, because even though it’d stop me from getting sick, I could still bring something home and transmit it to her. Nothing about my life would change. I cannot go back to “normal.” At this rate, ever.

So on the one hand I’m with everyone going “hell yeah get your shot”

but on the other I am effectively one of the people who hasn’t, with someone else who hasn’t and seemingly can’t (I do not understand why we can’t just set up an appointment with her doctor, who does have accommodations, for this??? Why does it need to be some retailer pharma??), and the whole thing is both deeply frustrating, confusing in implementation, and leaving me feeling like a hopeless statistic that’s here just to frustrate everyone else.

Like, I’m probably never going to have a group of people over again? Game nights are gone. Socializing is gone. Web calls never replaced it, we’re not that important to anyone. Holidays are well dead. My family has tried to talk us into attending church for several things, including Christmas and Mother’s Day, and just doesn’t understand how not plausible that is. Kaz is high risk; I have been assured that if she gets COVID, she almost certainly will die. I can’t play fast and loose with this shit like everyone around me wants to. I’m forced to come into work every day as it is and still dread coming up the stairs and being forced to be within five feet of another person, none of whom have ever masked during this thing. If I thought there was a safer job available to me that wouldn’t leave us homeless, I’d take it in a heartbeat.

Sorry for the long post. I just feel so defeated by this whole mess and I keep seeing post after post saying anyone who doesn’t get the shot is an idiot, basically, and while I realize we’re outliers I feel terrible all the same.

[imagine-organization-xiii]

some covid headcanons because i need cheering up: who insists that everyone wears a mask? who braves the outside world to get groceries? who pretends that Covid is a hoax to annoy vexen? any and all headcanons that you have please and thank you!!! your blog is amazing!

Okay this post is supposed to be funny but in all seriousness, don’t go out without wearing a mask and be considerate around other people, okay?

I decided not to make a joke in this post about one of them thinking the whole thing was a hoax because this is a serious, dangerous issue and people are truly suffering. All my love to each and every one of you and I hope you’re staying safe.

-

This might surprise you, but Lexaeus and Xaldin are the ones to bring the issue to the forefront of everyone else’s minds. Those are the two who really keep up with the everyday going of the world according to the newspapers, and thank goodness that they do. Otherwise, none of them would have any idea. Sure, they would have figured it out eventually, but it would have been a lot later than anyone else.

When Vexen hears something about a virus, he immediately goes into action mode. He does as much research as humanly possible, somehow locates a biological sample of the virus for examination (and everyone else is too terrified to ask how he accomplished this), and gets to work.

He slams open the door to the common area one morning and immediately declares that everyone is going on lockdown. The strongest of them are allowed to go to the nearby market for supplies as long as they wear masks and gloves, but everyone else isn’t allowed to leave the castle for anything less than a nuclear apocalypse.

Sneeze in front of him? Get ready to get your blood drawn for a test and to immediately go into quarantine just to be on the safe side. Vexen’s doing this for a reason - he doesn’t want anyone to get sick or worse.

Xemnas is happy to let Vexen take over this operation since this is definitely his area of expertise, while Saix is tasked with putting signs and reminders along the walls of the building to make sure that everyone ABSOLUTELY KNOWS that they are required to wear their masks when around one another and that they have to stay at least six feet apart at all times.

They all know it’s not a game, but some of them are more nervous than others. Xion is terrified of getting sick and so is Zexion - neither of them want to die, and they always keep thinking of the worst case scenario, so the others do their best to make it an experience where they don’t have to spend every day locked in their rooms.

They bake cookies. They watch movies. They do arts and crafts and design flower bouquets and paint and play board games and all of these little things to occupy their time since they can’t go out and enjoy themselves in the world. It’s fun and it’s a bonding experience, but they still want to do whatever they can to keep each other safe.

-

Enforces the mask mandate - Vexen, Saix

Vexen’s helper in enforcing the mask mandate because yes she will absolutely tattle on you to Vexen so he can give you a gigantic lecture when you forget to wear a mask when going out - Xion

Keeps to himself, watches the chaos unfold - Xemnas

The first to go crazy in quarantine - Demyx and Axel

Regrets joking about coronavirus being a hoax because Vexen made him sit down for a four-hour lecture complete with a powerpoint and spreadsheets - Xigbar

The ones who are always going to get the groceries and other supplies (and make sure to quarantine themselves after to make sure they aren’t sick) - Xaldin, Lexaeus

Doesn’t want to go out, but offers to disinfect the supplies after - Larxene, Marluxia

If they happen to go out, will absolutely shank someone over a pack of toilet paper - Marluxia, Luxord

[nellie-elizabeth]

Grey's Anatomy: Sign O' the Times (17x12)

Some heavy stuff, y'all. It's interesting how this show is addressing current events but on a delay because that's how TV works... really brings some things to the forefront of my mind that unfortunately the news isn't much focused on anymore.

Cons:

I found some of the story beats surrounding Bailey's patient to be a little clumsy. He's cartoonish and cruel to Bailey. I could buy someone not believing in COVID (believe me, I've met some of those people), but for him to literally say to his doctor's face: you're lying to me and you're making money off of scaring people? It felt a little too blunt, like this man was meant to represent every little aspect of that kind of human being. And then for him to die in the parking lot? Not exactly subtle.

I'm always talking about how I don't like Catherine Fox, and this episode actually helped me in articulating why. It's like she always traps people into providing her mic drop moments. She doesn't communicate, she dismisses people's concerns and ideas, goading them into a situation where they speak to her rudely. Then she turns around and hits them with the cold hard facts of how she was right all along. And like... Catherine is right, and has a good point, when she talks about fighting the way she knows how to fight. But why does she always have to have the last word? Why does she always have to say things in this righteous way, that doesn't allow room for anyone else's opinion?

Pros:

Let's start with Richard and Jackson, though. I like that Richard has this long history of going to protests, and I like that Jackson is starting to question the fact that he hasn't gotten involved. I can't imagine what it is to be a black man facing these challenges, but I can empathize with that dilemma of knowing your heart is in the right place, knowing there are different ways you might be able to make a difference... and which way do you choose? What feels right, at the end of the day? I liked seeing these differing perspectives and journeys.

And meanwhile you have a white man, Hayes, struggling with how to let his young black sons be involved. It's scary, and as a parent, I can imagine that telling them to stay home and stay safe makes a lot of sense. But also... this is their country and their fight, if they want it to be. I liked that Hayes was portrayed as sympathetic for being protective, but he also made the right choice in the end.

Schmitt had a somewhat comedic, but still intense subplot. He's in the hyperbaric chamber with Meredith, when another doctor, I think an intern? Named Chee? Comes in with another patient. There's an emergency, and Schmitt handles it amazingly, after initially freaking out a bit. He listens to the voice of Meredith Grey in his head, and it gets him through. I loved the moment when Jo teased him about it, and Levi says: "oh my god, what is Chee telling people?!" That was so cute. It actually gave me early Grey's vibes, like, surgery in elevators, OR mishaps, etc. I like Jo and Schmitt's friendship, and I like that Jo is taking the plunge and restarting her residency after all!

And then we've got Maggie and Winston. God, this plot thread just broke my heart in ten thousand different ways. I appreciate that no punches were pulled here. What Winston endured was horrific, and terrifying, and absolutely an example of racism at work. And Maggie was so scared. I was so scared. I really felt the tension of the situation, and I understood why she was so freaked out. That experience is so different from anything I can imagine myself going through. I'll never have to go through it, because as a white woman I am much more likely to receive sympathy from cops, not abuse. I don't even really have a lot to say about this, other than that it was really well done, and I had my heart in my throat the whole time, and I felt so terrible for both of them. I believe in their connection. They seem like they'll make a really good couple.

And I think that's all I'm going to write about this one - a shorter review than usual for a show with so many characters and story-lines, but honestly that's where I'm at. Not a lot to say. A very solid installment. Can't wait for more Meredith next week!

8/10

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #400

“it’s an age-old story: the first will be last, and the last will be kings  /  the small will be great, and the great will be weak”

Who was the last person you sincerely thanked? My mom; I thank her every time she cooks for me/us, and I really do mean it. What’s the longest you’ve ever stayed as a guest at someone’s house? Somewhere around a month. What was the last thing to really surprise you? My brother has a fiancee and is having another son! :') Have you ever found out that you have been sleep walking? No. Have you ever tried making something from one of those short cooking videos? How did it turn out? No. Have you ever written a review for a product you bought online? No. What was the last thing you had the urge to do? Idk about anything notable. Is there anyone you feel that takes you for granted? No. What is the last thing you had a craving for? A donut. Do you ever read the comments on social media posts? Sometimes. What was the last thing you felt like you wasted money on? It's so rare that I buy things with my own cash that I really don't know. What was the last thing you wanted to buy, but couldn’t afford? Venus' terrarium on my own. Mom has to help me with buying it. What is a recipe you’d like to try to make for yourself? I don’t cook, so. What goes through your mind when you look back at old photographs of yourself? More than anything, I get sad over how much weight I've gained. I was so healthy once upon a time. It also just makes me miss my childhood. What was the subject matter of the last email you sent? I believe it was about setting up an appointment with my therapist. How do you get your news? Facebook articles, really. What do you think about lizards? I love them! I was that kid that always tried to catch them when I saw 'em. Now I just observe because I don't want to terrify them by trying to pick them up. Have you ever done consumer testing (testing products before they come out on the market)? If not, would you ever want to? No, but sure, I'd do it. Have you ever received anesthesia or morphine? Both. The time I received morphine, it did jack-all for me. If you had to choose which video game to be in, which would it be? Hmmm... I would say Azeroth from World of Warcraft, but too much shit goes down, ha ha. Perhaps the top of the temple in Shadow of the Colossus? So long as I could have someone I love with me, I'd be in Heaven. Although... I doubt there's WiFi there, so I might drop that answer, lmfao. I really don't know. Between the two, would you rather live in a place where it’s only night or where it’s only day? Day. I need the natural light of day sometimes, and if I wanted to sleep, I could just find shade. If you had to be an actor/actress in a movie, what genre of the movie would you be best at? Fantasy. Out of fire, earth, water, wind, light, and dark, which element appeals the most to you? Dark. What’s one thing that you wish was real? Friendly dragons, haha. Is there anything (show, comedian, etc.) that you constantly quote or make references to? No. What’s your favorite Disney Channel movie? I have absolutely no idea. I don't even remember almost any of them. What’s your favorite holiday? Christmas. Do you ever have to do yard work? No. Do you have any live versions of songs in your music software? Yes. Did/do you listen to Britney Spears songs? Yeah, sometimes. I genuinely don't mind her. Do you still make Christmas lists? Yeah, because I'm asked to. Do you watch the show Dexter? Never seen it. Which musical instrument do you think sounds the prettiest? I'm torn between the violin, harp, and piano. Is your mom or dad the older parent? Mom, by a year. Do you and your parents like any of the same bands/singers? A lot, actually. Is there any food in your bedroom? What? I have these tictacs I keep in my purse in case of a dry mouth. Medication makes me have that severely, and my psychiatrist recommended me to always have a hard candy available to suck on since it forces salivation. Do you know anyone who has road rage? Who? My younger sister, badly. How far away do your grandparents live from you? They're all dead, but they lived in far away states. Do you know anyone who wants to be the president one day? No. What kinds of chips are in the cupboards? None. It's a bad idea to keep chips in this house, haha. Do you have your mom's or dad's hair? Well, I was born with dirty blonde hair like my dad, but my hair is thick and more similar in color now to my mom's before the cancer completely drained the color. If you were going out with your celebrity crush, what would you wear? OH MY GOD LA;KSDJFAKLWJE I DON'T KNOW I LOOK AWFUL IN EVERYTHING. Have you ever cried when a teacher retired? Teared up, yes, multiple times. Do you swear and yell while playing video games? I might swear under my breath, but that's the extent of it. If you were adopted, would you want to know? At this point in my life, I don't really know. I kinda find myself leaning towards no. Has a best friend ever ditched you for a girlfriend/boyfriend? Pretty much. Do your pets chase after bugs? Roman sure does. When’s the last time you were so excited you couldn’t sleep? Why? I want to say that was the night before I was getting my tattoo redone. Do you own any flip-flops? Yeah, considering they're like... all I wear, ever. Did you ever really believe that the stork brought babies? I don't believe so, no. Have you ever had a dream about sleeping with a celebrity? (You don’t have to give details.) It was the only lucid dream I've ever had and I'm not complaining about it lmao. Have you ever had a dream that upset you or made you cry? Oh I'm sure. Has anyone ever told you that they needed you? Do you think they meant it? Not to my recollection, no, and I don't believe you should ever adopt that mentality and say that to someone. Do you own a laser? No. Is there anything you like to put on a sandwich, that some might find odd? Nah. I do enjoy a layer of potato chips on some sandwiches, like ham and cheese, but I know that's like an actual thing some people just like. What colour are the shoes you wear most often? They're black flip-flops. When was the last time you were required to put on a mask? In the morning when I go to the TMS office. And what colour was the last mask you wore? It's one of those normal blue and white medical ones. The last time you were in a queue, what were you waiting for? To see the woman who would give me my APAP mask. Have you had your Covid vaccine yet? Which one, if you have? Yes, Moderna. If you've had your vaccine, did you experience any side effects? None for the first shot, but my second shot bruised badly and I felt seriously shitty the following day. I was perfectly fine afterwards, though. Can any of your friends sing well? Which one has the nicest singing voice? Sara has an AMAAAAAAAAAAAZING voice. When was the last time you wore make-up, if ever? What shades/colours? I don't even remember, but I'm sure it would've been black. What is something that seems popular, but doesn't interest you personally? Fashion, various TV shows, etc... Are you clumsy or graceful? I am STUPID clumsy. Like it's just ridiculous. Do you like gloves? I like fingerless gloves. Does your sibling(s) have braces? My older sister did as a kid. Do you ever say "OMG" in person? No; it's a random pet peeve of mine, "Internet talk" irl. What was the last thing your parents got mad at you for? Dad, no idea. Mom, uhhhh. Not "mad," but "annoyed" probably better fits how she felt about me leaving the heating pad I use for my cramps on the floor. Do your pets have favorites? I'm definitely Roman's favorite seeing as he is my literal shadow, and I'd assume Venus trusts me more than anyone else, but realistically, she's in contact with almost no one else, so. Who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend? Why did you break up? The first guy to have the title of "boyfriend" was Aaron, and I broke up with him 'cuz I just wasn't as romantically into him as I thought I might be. It was puppy-dog love, and I feel I knew that. My first *real* boyfriend was Jason, who broke up with me because my mental illnesses began to affect his wellbeing. Which I now accept is fine, but he seriously coulda gone about things differently... When was the last time you got a new bed? Is your bed comfy? Late into my teenage years; idk the exact age and don't feel like doing the math. Teddy kept peeing on the bed to where it was just unrecoverable and needed to be thrown away. My current bed is comfy enough. What kind of games did you play on the playground when you were younger? My absolute favorite was digging tunnels in the sandbox, pretending to be a meerkat. The only trend I ever created, haha, seeing as my classmates got into it with me, allowing us to make huge tunnel systems. It was really cool. I also liked playing 4 Square (which I now don't even remember the details of) on the basketball court. Do you remember the first time you ever drove a car? Who were you with? Yeah, my driver's ed instructor and the guy who was on the same route as me. What’s your favorite thing to do when drunk? Would you do this sober? N/A Are you a fan of dogs? Do you have any as pets? I'm picky with dogs. I like interacting with any dog, but I don't plan on ever owning another. I don't like how hyper they can be, and I prefer more independent pets, like cats. Basically, I'll be hyped to meet a random dog on the street and give it some loving, but I don't want to take it home to be my own. Are you an elitist (even a little bit) when it comes to anything? What? No. I cannot stand elitists. Is just being fond of something enough, or does it take more than that to be a ‘real fan’? And I hate gatekeeping in fandoms even more. There are varying intensities of "being a fan," but regardless, if you like something, congratulations, you're a valid, "real" fan. What type of fabric is most comfortable for clothing? I don't pay attention to this, honestly. If you wear one – bras with or without a wire? I'll wear either, but without is way more comfortable. If you wear one – are you able to find cute bras in your size? God no. What length do you like your shorts to be? I don’t wear shorts. What was the last disappointing movie you saw? Warcraft, but not because it was bad. I've talked before how in the theater, the orcs' voices were just so fucking baritone that I couldn't understand almost ANYTHING they said. Kinda ruined the experience for me. What was the last disappointing book you read? Don't recall. Do you ever watch compilation videos? Of what? Very rarely. If I do, they're mostly of animals being silly. Favorite Disney character who isn’t royalty? Probably Dory, but idk. There's WAY too many options to fish through.

[fishoutofcamelot]

Zombie symbolism in media? Body snatchers? That sounds extremely interesting 👀👀👀

OOOOOOOOOOH ARE YOU READY FOR ME TO RANT? CUZ I’M GONNA RANT BABY. YALL WANNA SEE HOW HARD I CAN HYPERFIXATE???

I’ll leave my ramblings under the cut.

The Bodysnatchers thing is a bit quicker to explain so I’ll start with that. Basically, Invasion of the Body Snatchers was released in 1956, about a small town where the people are slowly but surely replaced and replicated by emotionless hivemind pod aliens. It was a pretty obvious metaphor for the red scare and America’s fear of the ‘growing threat of communism’ invading their society. A communist could look like anyone and be anyone, after all.

Naturally, the bodysnatcher concept got rebooted a few times - Invasion of the Bodysnatchers (1978), Body Snatchers (1993), and The Invasion (2007), just off the top of my head. You’re all probably very familiar with the core concept: people are slowly being replaced by foreign duplicates. 

But while the monster has remained roughly the same, the theme has not. In earlier renditions, Bodysnatchers symbolized communism. But in later renditions, the narratives shifted to symbolize freedom of expression and individualism - that is, people’s ability to express and think for themselves being taken away. That’s because freedom of thought/individuality is a much more pressing threat on our minds in the current climate. Most people aren’t scared of communists anymore, but we are scared of having our free will taken away from us. 

The best indicator of the era in which a story is created is its villain. Stories written circa 9/11 have villains that are foreign, because foreign terrorism was a big fear in the early 2000s. In the past, villains were black people, because white people were racist (and still are, but more blatantly so in the past). 

Alright, now for the fun part.

ZOMBIES

Although the concept has existed in Haitian voodooism for ages, the first instance of zombies in western fiction was a book called The Magic Island written by William Seabrook in 1929. Basically ol Seabrook took a trip to Haiti and saw all the slaves acting tired and ‘brutish’ and, having learned about the voodoo ‘zombi’, believed the slaves were zombies, and thus put them in his book.

The first zombie story in film was actually an adaptation of Seabrook’s accounts, called White Zombie (1932). It was about a couple who takes a trip to Haiti, only for the woman to be turned into a zombie and enchanted into being a Haitian’s romantic slave. SUPER racist, if you couldn’t tell, but not only does it reflect the state of entertainment of the era - Dracula and Frankenstein had both been released around the same time - but it also reflects American cultural fears. That is, the fear of white people losing their authoritative control over the world. White fright.

Naturally, the box office success of White Zombie inspired a whole bunch of other remakes and spinoffs in the newly minted zombie genre, most of them taking a similar Haitian voodoo approach. Within a decade, zombies had grown from an obscure bit of Haitian lore to a fully integrated part of American pop culture. Movies, songs, books, cocktails, etc. 

But this was also a time for WWII to roll around and, much like the Bodysnatchers, zombie symbolism evolved to fit the times. Now zombies experienced a shift from white fright and ethnic spirituality to something a bit more secular. Now they were a product of foreign science created to perpetuate warmongering schemes. In King of Zombies (1941), a spy uses zombies to try and force a US Admiral to share his secrets. And Steve Sekely’s Revenge of the Zombies (1943) became the first instance of Nazi zombies. 

Then came the atom bomb, and once more zombie symbolism shifted to fears of radiation and communism. The most on-the-nose example of this is Creature With the Atom Brain (1955).

Then came the Vietnam War, and people started fearing an uncontrollable, unconscionable military. In Night of the Living Dead (1968), zombies were caused by radiation from a space probe, combining both nuclear and space-race motifs, as well as a harsh government that would cause you just as much problems as the zombies. One could argue that the zombies in the Living Dead series represent military soldiers, or more likely the military-industrial complex as a whole, which is presented as mindless in its pursuit of violence.

The Living Dead series also introduced a new mainstay to the genre: guns. Military stuff. Fighting. Battle. And that became a major milestone in the evolution of zombie representation in media. This was only exacerbated by the political climate of the time. In the latter half of the 20th century, there were a lot of wars. Vietnam, Korea, Arab Spring, Bay of Pigs, America’s various invasions and attacks on Middle Eastern nations, etc. Naturally the public were concerned by all this fighting, and the nature of zombie fiction very much evolved to match this.

But the late 1900s weren’t just a place of war. They were also a place of increasing economic disparity and inequal wealth distribution. In the 70s and 80s, the wage gap widened astronomically, while consumerism remained steadily on the rise. And so, zombies symbolized something else: late-stage capitalism. Specifically, capitalist consumption - mindless consumption. For example, in Dawn of the Dead (1978), zombies attack a mall, and with it the hedonistic lifestyles of the people taking refuge there. This iteration props up zombies as the consumers, and it is their mindless consumption that causes the fall of the very system they were overindulging in.

Then there was the AIDS scare, and the zombie threat evolved to match something that we can all vibe with here in the time of COVID: contagion. Now the zombie condition was something you could get infected with and turn into. In a video game called Resident Evil (1996), the main antagonist was a pharmaceutical company called the Umbrella Corporation that’s been experimenting with viruses and bio-warfare. In 28 Days Later (2002), viral apes escape a research lab and infect an unsuspecting public.

Nowadays, zombies are a means of expressing our contemporary fears of apocalypse. It’s no secret that the world has been on the brink for a while now, and everyone is waiting with bated breath for the other shoe to drop. Post-apocalypse zombie movies act as simultaneous male power fantasy, expression of contemporary cynicism, an expression of war sentiments, and a product of the zombie’s storied symbolic history. People are no longer able to trust the government, and in many ways people have a hard time trusting each other, and this manifests as an every-man-for-himself survivalist narrative. 

So why have zombies endured for so long, despite changing so much? Why are we so fascinated by them? Well, many say that it’s because zombies are a way for us to express our fears of apocalypse. Communism, radiation, contagion - these are all threats to the country’s wellbeing. Some might even say that zombies represent a threat to conversative America/white nationalism, what with the inclusion of voodooism, foreign entities, and late-stage capitalism being viewed as enemies.

Personally, I might partly agree with the conservative America thing, but I don’t think zombies exist to project our fears onto. That’s just how villains and monsters work in general. In fiction, the conflict’s stakes don’t hit home unless the villain is intimidating. The hero has to fight something scary for us to be invested in their struggles. But the definition of what makes something scary is different for every different generation and social group. Maybe that scary thing is foreign invaders, or illness, or losing a loved one, or a government takeover. As such, the stories of that era mold to fit the fears of that era. It’s why we see so many government conspiracy thrillers right now; it’s because we’re all afraid of the government and what it can do to us.

So if projecting societal fears onto the story’s villain is a commonplace practice, then what makes zombies so special? Why have they lasted so long and so prevalently? I would argue it’s because the concept of a zombie, at its core, plays at a long-standing American ideal: freedom.

Why did people migrate to the New World? Religious freedom. Why did we start the Revolutionary War and become our own country? Freedom from England’s authority. Why was the Civil War a thing? The south wanted freedom from the north - and in a remarkable display of irony, they wanted to use that freedom to oppress black people. Why are we so obsessed with capitalism? Economic freedom.

Look back at each symbolic iteration of the zombie. What’s the common thread? In the 20s/30s, it was about white fright. The fear that black people could rise up against them and take away their perceived ‘freedom’ (which was really just tyrannical authority, but whatever). During WWII, it was about foreign threats coming in and taking over our country. During Vietnam, it became about our military spinning out of control and hecking things up for the rest of us. In the 80s/90s, it was about capitalism turning us into mindless consumers. Then it was about plagues and hiveminds and the collapse of society as a whole, destroying everything we thought we knew and throwing our whole lives into disarray. In just about every symbolic iteration, freedom and power have been major elements under threat.

And even deeper than that, what is a zombie? It’s someone who, for whatever reason, is a mindlessly violent creature that cannot think beyond base animal impulses and a desire to consume flesh. You can no longer think for yourself. Everything that made you who you are is gone.

Becoming a zombie is the ultimate violation of someone’s personal freedom. And that terrifies Americans.

Although an interesting - and concerning - phenomenon is this new wave of wish fulfillment zombie-ism. You know, the gun-toting action movie hero who has the personality of soggy toast and a jaw so chiseled it could decapitate the undead. That violent survivalist notion of living off the grid and being a total badass all the while. It speaks to men who, for whatever reason, feel their masculinity and dominance is under threat. So they project their desires to compensate for their lack of masculine control onto zombie fiction, granting them personal freedom from obligations and expectations (and feminism) to live out their solo macho fantasies by engaging in low- to no-consequence combat. And in doing so, completely disregarding the fact that those same zombies were once people who cruelly had their freedom of self ripped away from them. Gaining their own freedom through the persecution of others (zombies). And if that doesn’t sum up the white conservative experience, I don’t know what does.

So yeah. That’s zombies, y’all.

Thanks for the ask!

[uraharasandals]

grandafuaghter hewwo may i request a chuuya, ranpo, and (if you are comfy) margaret mitchell headcanon where you are are sick and they gotta take care of you :3 ily fuck school you can do it!!!

hewwo!!! I shall not attempt to disclose your identity by identifying you heheee but yes fuck school we can all do it!!! (also you JUST had to request Mitchell for the heck of it did u)

[Nakahara Chuuya]

- Chuuya, no matter what happens, views his partner/ S/O as his first and foremost priority. Regardless of what sickness you were suffering from, how bad it is or how mild it is, he rushes to your side, even if he was at Port Mafia in an executives' meeting. Yes, he will use his ability to fly home if that meant seeing you as quickly as possible.

- If it was just a cold or something mild (though seriously, who knows during COVID), he tells you to stay home and you're subjected to his constant attention. Chuuya lets himself be ordered around, bringing soup, ice cream, or whatever cold liquids may ease your dry throat. He asks for documents to be sent home, and sets up camp by your bed, waking up earlier than you to make sure you aren't being neglected, and sleeping later just to make sure. This basically means he doesn't get much sleep.

- If you wheedle him for stuff, stuff that's bad for your health, his resolve will waver, but he'll stand firm because your health matters the most. However, if you try harder, pulling all the stops such as the puppy eyes or the compliments, Chuuya may compromise. If you continue at it for like, oh, five minutes, then you'd definitely get what you want. Be reasonable though, if you get too demanding and ask for the moon it may very well have the opposite effect. Chuuya knows his boundaries and he pampers you because he chooses to, not because he's your servant.

- If it was something serious, however, Chuuya knows the extent of his resources and will employ whatever means necessary to heal you. He makes sure you're surrounded by the best doctors, the best medical equipment and hospitals money could offer. Nothing would prove too expensive for him if it meant healing you.

- If you had to stay in a hospital, Chuuya will be there for you. If you had to undergo surgery, he'll wait for you. Chuuya doesn't care how long it takes, he'll wait for you as long as he needs to. He knew how hard it was to suffer alone, and he sure as hell wouldn't leave you alone to it. If the doctors keep him out, he'll find alternative ways to send you his love.

[Edogawa Ranpo]

- At the beginning, when you tell Ranpo you're sick, or when you let out a cough or two, he doesn't really believe you, thinking it was a prank of sorts. 'Trying to trick the great detective huh? Not bad!' Jokingly, he tells you that sweets are the only prescription you need, dumping a generous amount onto your desk before plopping away.

- When it became apparent that you may be actually sick though, Ranpo turns serious. If it was a cold or something, he'd still joke around, though you'll notice his heart wasn't really into it as he accompanied your bedside. He keeps it up though, for your sake, and continue pattering about on his nonsense until you start laughing.

- If it was a wound or physical wound that could be patched up quickly (if you could call that being sick), Ranpo doesn't even bat an eye because he knows that nothing couldn't be fixed without a trip to Yosano sensei's. Or at least, that's what he claims. Secretly he sneaks off to the operation room when everyone else was occupied with god knows whatever, and watches you get plowed away by Yosano's. Hopefully his company makes it less terrifying.

- In the case of you being seriously ill with fatal illnesses, Ranpo gets you to the hospital as quickly as possible. We'd seen that he keeps his calm in dire situations, acting as an able commander in place of Fukuzawa during the Cannibalism Arc, and telling Kunikida to get a grip when he panicked. Ranpo does the same when bringing you to the hospital. He isn't really good at emotional advice, though he tries his best. Ranpo does know about sugarcoating though, and he gives you the most optimistic rundown of your illness as an attempt to comfort you.

- Ranpo acts strong around you, but once he's by himself his facade crumbles. At the middle of the night, he clasps your hand tightly, praying that you wouldn't slip away at the end of the night, leaving him along without anyone to trust. Or he kisses you gently, though it was more for his sake than for yours. Yosano has to directly go to him and figuratively pry him off you so he could get some rest.

[Margaret Mitchell]

- Mitchell doesn't...have much experience taking care of other people. Mainly since she came from a fairly affluent family before it fell from honour, but also because as a key fighter of The Guild, it certainly didn't fall to her to take care of such trivial matters.

- But of course, as her partner you are a special exception. So when you fall ill with a cough or a fever, she braces herself, hitches her skirts and goes about it without a complaint. For whomever she loves, Mitchell will do anything for them. She would still shy away from stuff too revolting for her (I headcanon her as having a weak stomach) like bodily fluids, but she can do things like changing a cool towel on your forehead to ease your fever.

- Mitchell will absolutely not admit to caring for you. She wouldn't throw you under the bus exactly, but she'll deny anything and everything that even hints at her being so soft over her partner. It marrs her reputation, and she has a front to keep. Not just because she's a woman but also on behalf of her family as well. However, she'll quietly consult Hawthorne if there's things she doesn't know. Hawthorne is the only one she trusts, after all.

- If it was a serious sickness beyond your everyday healing, Mitchell would square her shoulders, march off for another opinion, before coming to terms that it was something beyond her abilities. She isn't below begging or asking for help when the situation calls for it, and though she may struggle with her pride, Mitchell will push it down for you. She marches off to Fitzgerald and employs all sorts of methods to make him help you, and she doesn't leave until he agrees. Her reputation as a determined woman didn't come out of nowhere, after all.

- Once all of the technical things are taken care of, Mitchell could finally relax and break down silently by your bedside. She allows no one into the bedroom, shutting the whole world out under the guise of you needing absolute silence for recovery. It's better this way anyways; she'll finally have you to herself for a long period of time, even if it was for all the wrong reasons.

[lovemesomesurveys]

survey by skiesofsunshine

What would you honestly do if you had a million dollars? I’d have to pay off my debt of course. I’d also pay off my parents’ and brother’s debts. Then I’d buy us a house and furnish it and whatnot. I’d love to be able to travel and stuff, but that would obviously have to wait. There’s also some other personal stuff I’d want to take care of.

Do you pretend to be something you're not to make friends? I mean, I might try to seem like I’m not a complete mess at first but it’ll come out sooner or later (sooner). I’m also not as good at hiding it anymore.

When was the last time someone disappointed you? I’m a constant disappointment to myself.

Are you still in school? No, I graduated university back in 2015.

Where do you see yourself 10 years from now? I gotta take it day by day, man. It terrifies me to think what things might be like in 10 years and I don’t wanna think about it.

Are you more of a shy or outgoing person? I’m a very shy person.

How many hours of sleep per night do you usually get? Maybe like 4-5. 

Would you rather listen to new music or the classics? There’s no reason for me to have a preference as I enjoy a good selection from both. <<< Yeah, my Spotify has a lot of both.

Can you do a cartwheel? Nope.

What does friendship mean to you in your life? Well, currently I don’t have any friends.

What is the closest yellow thing next to you? There’s yellow bulbs on the multicolor string of lights I have strung around my dresser. 

Do you currently feel any sadness? Yes. I’m a sad, sensitive, sleepy gal. That’s who I am.

Are you more of an athlete or artist? I am most definitely neither one. I do like to color, though, so can that put me on the artist side? ha.

Is it hard for you to break the ice with new people? Yes.

What do you think was the stupidest movie ever created? Oh boy. That’s hard to choose.

Who is your hero and why? My mom.

If you could be someone else for a week, who would it be? Perhaps a functioning and responsible adult who’s doing a job they love, they’re happy, in a healthy, loving relationship, and have a social life just to see what it feels like.

What do you want people to remember you for when you die? I don’t want to think about that.

Do you always respond to chain letters? I never responded to chain letters. 

Would you rather text someone or call them? If I need to contact someone I would rather text them, most definitely.

What are you afraid of most? Losing my loved ones, death, getting worse/never getting better, never doing anything with my life...

Do you spend too much time online? What’s too much? I don’t feel like I spend as much time as I used to.

Are you the type to procrastinate? I’m a PROcrastinator. 

What is your biggest annoyance? Where to begin....

Do you use any drugs? I take prescription medication, but that’s it.

Do you believe that you'll always be a kid at heart? Yeah.

Are you currently in a relationship? No.

What do you like to do for fun? I wouldn’t say it’s fun, per se, but my days consist of checking my social medias, watching TikToks and YouTube videos, reading, watching TV, doing surveys, and playing Animal Crossing: New Horizons. I like doing those things; they give me something to do and can serve as a distraction. 

Do you have a job? No.

Can you type without looking at the keyboard? Yeah. I’ve been able to do that for a very long time now. I’ve been using the computer since I was a kid and I’m 31 now, sooo.

What is something you want to improve on this year? Not sure what I could really do with the little time left. Another wasted year for me. I can’t even blame COVID because the past few years have come and gone and I don’t do anything.

Do you have any pets? I have a doggo. She’s a 3 year old German Shepherd/Lab mix named Princess Leia. 

What is your dream car? I don’t have one.

How many times a day do you get angry? I don’t get angry easily, but I do get moody, irritable, and frustrated all the time. :/

If you could, would you want to stay young forever? If I could just stay this age even that would be fine.

Are the books better or worse than the movies? The books are always better, c’mon. But the movie adaptions aren’t always bad. I’ve enjoyed several, even when certain changes are made (depending on what they are of course). Sometimes it really adds to it and it’s cool. It’s fun seeing the characters and story come alive on screen. Of course, there are many that just really miss the mark and are a complete mess as well. 

Are you afraid of the dark? I loved that show as a kid, ha. Anyway, I mean... I sleep with the TV on for sound AND light cause I don’t like it completely quiet or dark. I could sit in my room with the lights off and be fine, but it’d be weird and I’d want to do something haha so I wouldn’t do it for long, but not because I’d be scared. I wouldn’t want to be home alone and have a power outage, though. I most certainly wouldn’t walk around anywhere alone at night. I wouldn’t want to even with someone. Sooo, to answer the question...kind of? *shrug*

If you could eat any food you want right now, what would it be? I kinda want ramen, but I don’t think I’ll make it tonight. Shocking, I know.

Are you a racist person? No.

Do you ever feel like people use you? I’m not of any use to anyone right now, but I’ve felt that way in the past.

Do you keep in contact with your friends during the summer? I don’t have any friends.

What is your favorite month of the year? October and December.

Does bad grammar get on your nerves? Depends.

If you were going to die right now, what would your last words be? Uhh, I have no idea?

Does Jeopardy make you feel dumb? Ha, yeah. But when I answer correctly you bet your ass I own the hell out of it hahah.

What is/was your worst subject in school? Math. 

Are you a sarcastic person? I have my sarcastic moments.

What role does religion play in your life? I am a Christian and have been reading and studying the Bible regularly and joining Bible study groups online and really building my faith and relationship with God for the past few years.

Can you sleep with your eyes open? No. I’ve seen someone do that and it’s quite creepy.