#does anybody want to write me anymore idk

[f4rgd]

can't tell wherever I should bother fixing my shit here or just leaveeeeee.

[adventuringblind]

Flowers in your throat

Lando Norris x Reader x Oscar Piastri

Genre: Angst

Summary: the problems of unrequited love

Warnings: hanahaki disease, blood, coughing

Notes: idk what this is... Does anybody wanna spam my inbox with things to write over break? Logan is on the list, but I'm blanking on ideas for the boy T_T

Masterlist

Flowers. Beautiful things that each have their own meanings. One that even color plays into.

Beautiful amd deadly things, these Flowers. She can't even stomache the sight of them anymore. Not when they are the source of her current misery.

A misery she has yet to understand. Is one not enough for her? Will Lando hate her for loving more then just him? Is she really that greedy?

Her driving had suffered because of her lack of focus. She's coughing over the radio now and her engineer has started to notice. Her trainer even more so with how sick she looks.

She doesn't want Lando to find her like this. Maybe she doesn't even like Oscar and this is because of the loving looks and gentle touch he's been sharing with her boyfriend. Is she jealous? In a way yes, but she wants that from both of them. She coughs up another petal at the thought.

Hopefully Lando isn't awake. She'd been on the floor of the Hilton bathroom for at least an hour now. Her mind running through all her options. How she might be able to fix this.

Death is the easiest option in the long run. The surgery would hurt Lando as she would struggle with any kind of love afterwards. Oscar loving her back is another, but again, how would Lando react?

She'd yet to even open up to him about the idea of polyamoury. To scared from past encounters and getting hurt. Easier just to ignore anything else. The words of her last partner rings through her ears. 'It's either one or the other' but never both. How can she have such a love for two people to the point it's killing her?

The door creaks open. She panics and tries to hide from Lando's worried gaze. He still ends up on the floor with her.

"Please talk to me."

"I can't. You're going to leave me."

"Whatever this is, we'll figure it out, okay? But we can't even begin to work on it if I have no idea what's going on." And he's right. For as chaotic as he is, Lando has always wanted to work through things together.

"I'm not - well - before I start I should say I love you dearly with every fiber of my being."

"Is this a break up?"

"No!" She shouts a little to loudly and quickly. Lando looks a bit startled but calms we he sees just how panicked she is. "I don't want us to break up - I just know that you won't want me anymore."

The thoughts of Lando leaving her flood her mind. Having to watch him and Oscar be teammates while she watches from afar. Her body wracks with coughs again as another petal comes up, pretty but splatters in red.

"Is that-?"

"Hanahaki, unrequited love."

"But I do love you so then..." He takes a moments to process. "It's not me is it?"

"My parents always told me my heart was to big." She inhales shakily. "It's Oscar."

"Since when? How long do we have before-" He doesn't finish the sentence.

"A have a few months left maximum. I'm already two months in."

"Silverstone."

"I'd already been fond of him before that but watching the two of you smile together like that." Tears slip past her eyes as she tries to stop the burning in her chest. "I'm so sorry and I understand if you leave. It's not like you signed up for this."

"I'm not leaving you. I don't care who else you love as long as I'm here with you. Plus, it's Oscar, I'd be lying if I said I don't have any feelings for him." Lando Admits with a shrug.

"Really?"

"I know you love me, too much, probably. If this is what loving you means then I'll be here every damn step."

She throws herself into Lando's arms, curling into the warmth of his body. And for the first time on two months, she cries in relief.

~~~~~

On the other side of things, Oscar isn't fairing any better. The constant scratch of his throat has started in August. Over the summer break when he had to bare witness to Lando and his girlfriends pictures.

He couldn't tell who he was more jealous of, or if he was jealous at all. Both, he was jealous of both because he wants to be with both of them. It's illogical, he thinks, that he should want two partners so desperately. They are committed to each other, why would they want him as well?

Lando is once again on the podium his female counterpart part there to congratulate him. Eyes shining as they smile at each other. The itch in his throat is to much. It burns in his chest as his lungs try to fight for air.

He runs back to the garage after getting weighed. Just in time to collapse onto the floor of his driver's room. Petals fall from his lips. Beautiful and soaking in red fluid.

He's still struggling to breathe when his door flys open. Logan amd Liam swim in his vision and ears. They drag him off the floor and get him upright again.

They clean him op and sit with him until Kim comes to get him for debrief. The older male looks horribly concerned. Lando also looks at him with something he can't pinpoint while sitting through the meeting. It's enough to make his chest burn again just knowing Lando is even looking at him.

Logan and Liam come knocking at his door that night. They want answers and rightfully so. He tells them, coughing on the bathroom floor while doing so.

"Have you talked to them?"

"No, why would they want me Lo?"

Liam hands him more water and pratically forces him to drink it. "Have you seen the way they look at you?"

And no, he hasn't, only how people say he himself looks helplessly in love.

How would they look at him now? In disgust? Maybe pity?

Shame he may never find out.

~~~~~

Another hard race. Las Vegas had messed them all up in some way shape or form. She couldn't breathe knowing Lando had crashed to hard. She coughed an entire petal up during the yellow flags just thinking about how he must be feeling.

She's been coughing up whole flowers recently. Tonight was no exception. Lando, despite being on heavy painkillers, was desperately trying to help her through a few larger ones.

She was barely eating anymore. Couldn't breathe. Her teammate had even noticed the drastic change in her appearance. Max and Christian had both been on her case. Third seemed so far away now as Lando tries to get water down her throat.

"I don't want you to die."

"And I don't want to live without love."

Lando manages to pull himself off the floor to answer the door. Mumbling about how it's probably Jon making sure he's alright.

She can hear the familiar voices of Oscar and Logan through the thin walls.

Oscar sounds rough. She blames it on the long race he had. He'd looked so tired coming out of the car, hands running through his hair.

Her lungs burn again. It's more so this time. Her entire body is on fire. She can't even cough properly and wails as she has to pull out whatever is in her throat.

A stem. One with thorns.

Lando is frantically pleading with Oscar and Logan for something. Oscar is also coughing. Enough that is worsens her own.

She coughs again. Another stem feels like it's tearing her open from the inside. She wails at the stinging pain. Panic overcomes her as it seems to never end.

The door swings open. Lando and Logan drag in a coughing Oscar.

He's in the same boat as her. He's been suffering this whole time.

"Logan who is it?! Please, I need to know." Lando is begging now. The sight of what's happening can't be helping his nerves.

"It's you two, both of you I think. He didn't say exactly."

She tunes out anything else. It's them. He is feeling this because of them. She coughs up the rest of the stem and the burning starts to fade.

But then the exhaustion hits. She wants to tell Oscar everything. Enough so he doesn't have to cough up thorns like herself.

She passes out before she can.

~~~~~

Oscar wakes up in bed. One that definitely isn't his own. He tries to sit up, but his body is depleted still. Noticeably, his lungs feel lighter then they have in months. The ache in his chest has lessened, but his love for the two is still there. If this isn't the work of a surgery then-

He sits up frantically, searching for something. Someone, more like. A hand on his shoulder pushes him back down.

"Relax, we're still here." It's Lando and his partner is on the other side of Oscar. She's dead asleep and rightfully so after what he witnessed her cough up.

"Where's Logan?"

"Asleep on the couch. He didn't want to leave you."

"And you - do you and her - are we?" His words are broken. He can't think properly.

"Caught feeling a while ago, mate. Her before I realized myself. She loves hard, enough to cough up flowers, apparently." Lando crawls into the space between Oscar and the female. Oscar, in his sleepy haze, latches onto Lando. He feels better being apart of whatever cuddle pile this is.

He falls back to sleep so easily. Only to be woken up later by a few frantic coughs. Lando is immediately trying to get the female out of bed and to the sink. She claims she's fine and it's confirmed by the lack of petals.

"It's from what the thorns did." Her voice sounds wrecked. Oscar tries to get up to help only to be pushed back again by Logan. Curse his exhaustion.

The American gets everyone water. Oscar is grateful for it as it soothes his still sore throat.

"So does this mean you three are going to be together then?" Logan raises an eyebrow.

"If either of them say no after this, I'm throwing hands. After the hell they've put me through I will force them to cuddle if need be."

[mountmultimuses]

Y'all, time for a bit of real talk.

PLEASE DO NOT FREAK OUT AND PLEASE READ THE WHOLE THING!!!

This year has been really, REALLY bad. It's been exhausting both physically, mentally, and emotionally. And frankly, it's made me stop and think, even rethink. It certainly doesn't help that I've been sick these past few days, which has made me that much more depressed, and with how uncertain everything is now and in the future, It makes me ponder what I want to do with myself. So it's time to put my foot down. These are MY decisions, and I'm not going to let ANYONE sway or guilt me into changing my mind. So saddle up, because here it comes.

Smut: No more of it.

I don't feel comfortable doing it anymore. I'm very, VERY sorry to disappoint, but at this point, I've stopped enjoying it, especially with how risky it can be. Thank you all for understanding.

This blog: I'm not gonna have it forever.

I've had this blog for TEN YEARS now, and while talking to you guys and the occasional roleplay is still fun, for some personal reasons, I'm starting to fall out of love with this blog. So I intend on getting rid of it some day and starting fresh. When? Maybe by the end of the year, maybe by the end of next year. I still haven't decided, but it's going to happen eventually.

This ISN'T goodbye. At least not if I can help it.

I have no idea what's going to happen this year, next year, or the year after that. But I want you all to know that I love and care about ALL of you, and don't want to just straight-up LEAVE you guys. If I suddenly vanish without a word, it wasn't by choice. When I get rid of this blog (again, sooner or later, not right away), I will try to let you all know. And I will come back to Tumblr ASAP. I will be here. You'll just have to find me, or, better yet, I'll find you. But again, this is all provided that nothing terrible happens between now and then. I have zero control over life or the world around me. God willing, nothing bad happens.

So... Yeah. That's about it. Let me take this chance to give a shoutout to some of the best bloggers I know on here.

@darkenigma32, I've known you longer than anyone else here. Whether or not you're still active, IDK, but I tip my hat to you and your AMAZING OC muse. You've been great, and I hope we see each other again soon.

@wandawillkill312 Sorry we don't interact that often. You're a great dude with an insane eye for detail. Never stop writing (unless you want to). We don't always agree, but who does? Don't worry, as long as I can help it, we will always be bros.

@bootlegmozart I admire your passion and how you speak your mind without giving a single you-know-what about what people think. We don't always agree, but you've always been super chill with me, and I appreciate that. Hoping we're still bros in the future

@nightshadowsdomain I talk to you more than anyone I can think of. You are a great friend, and I hope it stays that way

@andy-squirrel-and-friends you have always been really sweet to me. Never change. Sorry we didn't interact as much.

@twilighthooves I always appreciate your willingness to interact with muses others tend to pass on. You're terrific, and I hope to see more of you.

@sons-of-time Sorry we don't interact that often either. You're a decent guy and your ideas for muses are great. Hope to see more of you.

@fear-my-giggles You and your muse, unhinged as she is, are as sweet as apple pie. Thank you for being such a positive person. I hope things work out for you, and that we remain friends.

@multi-muse-transect, @spiderben2011 @spirits-of-nature16, @lady-scorpion-and-friends, @ckingsbury1967, @awkward-snake-girl and anybody whose name I can't remember ATM, you guys are great. I'm hoping to see more from y'all in the future.

I'm sorry for any missteps or misunderstandings with any of y'all. I haven't been the perfect blogger or roleplay partner. I've been pushy, rude, hypocritical, and selfish. These are things I'm hoping to work on and remedy to become the best version of myself.

So that's about it. Again, this is NOT A GOODBYE, just, more or less, a heads-up. I do plan on remaining on Tumblr, provided nothing terrible happens, just not on this blog. I don't know the future, but here's hoping nothing goes wrong. I'm hoping you'll all understand and respect my decision.

Thank you. I love you all. I'll talk to y'all later.

[osaemu]

mini-announcement, i probably won't be posting/interacting over the weekend because i have a big tournament and i'll be spending time with my team !! just a heads up in case you're wondering why i haven't replied to you or your ask yet :,) sorry about that 🤍

cw: discourse under the cut.

i didn't want to have to make this post, but lately i've been receiving a lot of anonymous asks about a certain blog and unfortunately, it's gotten to a point where i feel like i have to address it. don't take this post as being hateful in any way—this is just something i just wanted to get off my chest. this isn't a big deal, so no reblogs either, thanks.

the bottom four asks all came within a span of five minutes, so i think it's a reasonable assumption to make that they were all sent by the same person. as for who that is, i'll get into that at the end of the post.

but first of all, i can say without a doubt that i have a personality of my own. case closed. nobody's actually said how we're similar in any way, so i'll assume these are all from no-lifes who couldn't find anything better to hate on.

second of all, my netflix banner was actually inspired by another blog, who i won't namedrop for the sake of their peace. and either way, our banners don't even look similar, nor do either of us own netflix. x x

and finally, those are actually the two most braindead asks i've ever received. are we copyrighting letters now? does anyone own the letter e?

don't compare blogs/writers—it's never ended well, and it never will.

even after getting these asks, i still didn't say anything about it because.. i don't really care. everyone's entitled to their own opinion, and what you think of me is up to you.

moving on, i think tee left tumblr sometime in between that time and now, and i was told by a mutual that i was mentioned within the post. if i'm being completely honest, i didn't read all of it because we have each other blocked anyways and it was a lot to read through.. so i skimmed over the bit about me, but didn't really see anything of interest, which is why i didn't address it.

i also had anons on at the time, and i did think it was interesting how i didn't receive a single ask about tee from then up until today, about a month later. up until a couple hours ago, i hadn't even thought about her because, again, i don't care. this is tumblr dot com, not my love life. most of the drama here is over pixels anyways, so i don't waste my day thinking about it.

neither of these are particularly interesting, but the fact that you weirdos are still associating me with someone who i'm not even mutuals with is.. not to my liking.

idk what false accounts the second anon's talking about, because i don't go looking for drama. if you need proof, here's how many sideblogs i have... (click the image)

zero!

as for the idea that i'm jealous of tee, i'm perfectly fine with the amount of followers i have now. i've always been open about my satisfaction with my interaction rates, and that hasn't changed.

and obviously, tee's a good writer—when have i ever said otherwise? if it was based solely off of writing, i would say that she deserves every single one of her followers, maybe even more. i don't think anybody on this app would disagree with me when i say that she's genuinely one of the best fanfic writers i've come across.

however, i won't support someone just because i like their content. i've stopped listening to many artists because i didn't like who they were as a person, and similarly, once i read the reblogs on a certain callout post, i stopped consuming tee's content as well.

there's a reason i avoided making this post in the past—because i don't really have anything to say. tee and i have never had a directly negative interaction, as i'm sure you all can see in her archival post. the reason i don't support her anymore is because i didn't particularly like how she never spoke up about her followers sending death threats to other followers. that's it.

while i have my guesses as to who sent those anons, i don't care enough to find out. and i think it's better that way. this conflict's been dragged on for long enough, and this is my way of saying that i'd like to be excluded from this narrative from now on.

tee, if someone sends you this post at some point, feel free to contact me if you'd like to clear anything up. we're both adults, and i think we can agree that nothing monumental has happened between us to cause any of this. honestly, the only people dragging this on are the weirdo anons in my inbox.

to whoever's reading this post, thank you for listening to my side of the story—it was nice to be able to get this off my chest. wish me luck at my tournament, and i'll be back after the weekend !! 🤍

[songsofbat]

Love, or Lack Thereof.

A little writing thing about Corvid that may end up a little long so...

might include triggering topics?

tw: animal and child abuse, (kind of? does it count if the child isn't real?), self-harm (kind of?) (implied/referenced? i don't know?), implied suicidal thoughts kinda??

body horror kinda idk it touches on a few heavier topics and might be a bit edgy idk if it's edgy to the point of cringe. probably.

---------

The hall of the manor are an odd thing.

Constantly perfect for whatever you need.

A perfect recreation, until it isn't.

The halls can feel longer on those days when you wish to drag your feet. To trace your hands against familiar patterns.

It's really not.

Because the real manor is love.

The real manor is emotions upon emotions, as real places are.

Layers and layers of thought and pain and a million different things scattered like dust.

Stardust.

But it's almost perfect in its geometry.

Maybe.

They haven't seen the manor properly in so long.

But this feels right.

It is right.

Corvid wanders down once dusty halls.

They're not a fan of wandering.

It's always been a waste of time.

When Corvid wants- when Corvid needs- they get things done.

They find. They research. They get straight to the point.

There's never been a need to wander.

...but this is different, they suppose.

Wandering is the only option.

Time doesn't quite pass in the way it should- so they only hope less time is being wasted, rather than more.

But hopes do nothing.

Corvid wanders.

It's the only way to find them if they want to be found, after all.

So they wander.

Cross into a kitchen.

It smells like tea and home-cooked food.

Nobody there, if you ignore the papery scribble that looks vaguely like a butler.

They greet him. He greets back. They move on.

They wander.

The secret entrance clicks.

Ah.

They turn and walk towards it.

And there they are.

"Hello." They greet the child. "Your drawing looks interesting."

Dark eyes, so deep they might be a void, stare back.

"Hi, Corvid!"

It rings false cheer.

Corvid straightens out their skirt and settles onto the blanket on the floor.

It's a multi-hued thing.

"You seem unhappy to see me." It points out, not unkindly.

"...you hate me. I care about you. But that doesn't mean you don't hate me."

"I do not hate you. I hate nobody."

"...but you don't like me."

But Corvid doesn't like anybody, so they don't see what the problem is.

They've never really cared for anybody.

Deep eyes stare into it.

"You care about everyone, 'vid. Even if you don't really feel it strongly."

Do they?

The child draws out a person.

A cowl.

A cape.

"You would die for him. You would live for him. You would turn yourself into a tool."

Of course they would. It's only natural that they should. "...but not just for him. For almost anybody."

"...even for me."

It would be unproductive to leave people dead.

"...but you'd do a lot to keep them happy too."

Mental health tends to be important.

"...but you want them happy. Even if there was a situation in which mental health isn't important."

They don't quite see why the child is bringing up this point.

"It's okay to take a break. You've protected me for so long. I know the manor is a lonely place."

They can't.

The child knows that.

"Corvid doesn't have to be a hero all the time, you know? You can go and have fun. Talk to people!"

"Selfish."

Because what other word is there for it?

"...I told you that you didn't like me."

"I'm sorry."

Maybe. Perhaps. Corvid doesn't quite know anymore.

Those darkened eyes are a sad, sad, thing.

Corvid thinks of wounded animals.

...they don't think they feel anything at all for those, really.

"I know." Corvid never does anything without reason.

They remove the hair tie around their wrist.

The emotions drip down, slowly falling drops that stain the countless drawings on the floor until they smudge into messes.

"I'm sorry." "I know."

Blurred faces.

People once known.

People you do know.

It doesn't quite matter.

Regrets drop weights upon the room. The floor cracks.

Doubts bubble and sorrows reign.

The child is drowning.

Corvid doesn't move.

They just watch.

"I'm sorry- I'm sorry i didn't- I didn't wanna- I didn't mean- mama- please- I can't-"

It is a choking thing.

A shaking, miserable thing.

It reminds them of a cat in the rain.

The child clings onto paper mush.

The mockeries of a family.

Imitations.

Dampened with emotions.

Pity isn't something Corvid feels.

But it feels the urge to put the child out of its misery anyway.

Maybe.

The child crumbles in front of them.

It's a crying, sobbing thing.

Wailing for it's mother.

Wailing for it's father.

Corvid does not feel disgust.

They wonder what would happen if they snapped its neck.

Would it stop crying?

Would its head roll off, still wailing?

Corvid doesn't need to step forward.

The manor always takes you where you need to be, in the end.

Their hands are clawed things.

The neck severs cleanly.

Of course it does.

To have it be messy simply isn't what Corvid does.

Corvid gets things done.

They find.

They research.

They get straight to the point.

The head keeps crying.

Unfortunate.

They think of ants that run without antenna.

They think of beetles crawling.

They think of that one insect they never knew the species off- how they'd twisted off its abdomen and left it to struggle.

They lift the head.

They brush the hair.

They strangle what's left of the neck.

Anger drips from the slit on its wrist.

If only this could be a faster thing.

An experience that took less time.

This is a necessary process.

How unfortunate.

Crumbling pieces, on the floor.

The child wails.

Dirty.

The emotions are already staining the room.

Must it really add tears to the mix?

Corvid digs its claws into where the tear ducts should be.

Finally.

The child heaves.

The body crumbles.

Piles of paper on the floor.

Puddles of emotion.

They gather it up with a flick of the wrist.

Cleaning up was always the easiest part.

It's so, so, small.

Compact in their hand.

Their wrist still drips.

The memory vaults get fed again.

The memory vaults let locked back away.

The memory vaults are in their places.

The weight doesn't seem to leave.

But that's not important.

They get up off the blanket.

It's a multi-hued thing, the patterns changed from the latest session.

They'll let it dry on its own.

They turn towards the computer.

It's worse than the real thing, of course.

It doesn't have the data- the capabilities- of the real one.

At the very least, it's not coated in stardust.

In feelings and stress and clinging things.

[ New Entry ]

[ The liability has been cleared. Blanket remains useable. The stains remain. ]

The stains remain.

Corvid cannot quite wash them out.

There's something nice about the manor.

It takes you wherever you need to go.

Wherever you want to go.

Corvid is a selfish thing.

Corvid wants.

Corvid wanders.

It's back at the kitchen again.

The butler isn't there.

It doesn't want him there.

It's too much like the real thing, after all.

Emotions drip out of its wrist.

It's not draining fast enough.

Not even the liability was useful enough to take on the waste.

It was never quite enough.

Sometimes, it wondered about its own neck.

Would the emotions gush out of there like a waterfall if they snapped it?

...but it had a process.

It had a job, a purpose.

It would be a waste of resources to just leave their job undone.

It lifts its arm over the kitchen sink.

Quick and clean.

Quick and clean.

Quick and clean.

The emotions pour down the drain.

.

The manor is full of monsters.

Guilts and doubts.

Regrets.

The censors know to clean it.

It's never quite enough.

The guilts in here are smarter.

The doubts in here are sly.

Corvid knows to clean it all.

Until the emotions run dry.

The manor is full of monsters.

But they'll take it all away.

So please just go to sleep.

You'll have no more tears to cry.

.

The manor is a nice place, really. It just feels...really empty.

They don't really like that.

They don't really like going there at all.

They like the field instead!

Besides- the manor is built on despair.

Not much of a reason to go there!

Honestly, they're pretty sure that's where all the guilt is being kept. All the awful stuff.

It's nicer out here. Peaceful.

Out here, it feels like everything is going to be okay.

And it will be!

Honestly, they don't even know why the manor is there.

Whose manor even is it?

Why is it even there?

No.

They'd rather stay out here.

Sleeping is nice.

Are they sleeping?

It's hard to tell.

They don't quite remember how long they've been here.

That's okay!

They're content anyway.

They just want to sleep some more.

And so they do.

The world's nice like that, after all.

.

Tranquility and empty skies.

No more need for your goodbyes.

Braid tulips into your hair.

Let lavender fill the air.

You don't exist and that's okay.

You'll live on another day.

Not quite alive and not quite dead.

Please don't ever leave your head.

Let the crows watch evermore- and never open the vault door.

.

They're not a good person.

They know that.

They've never quite been, really.

And that's not really fair.

The world isn't.

They're not. They're selfish. Foolish. An idiot. But even they know they need to do things like emotionally regulate. It's healthy, after all.

Pushing away your emotions for someone else to handle is healthy, right?

Right?

...who cares.

They've always been selfish anyway.

Their emotions are leaking things. They hate it. It's not useful! They keep ruining, and ruining, and ruining everything.

Horrible.

Horrible.

Horrible.

Sometimes they wish they could just stop.

Not end. They have things to do. They would never.

But it- it would be nice, maybe.

To keep running until they couldn't run anymore.

To jump for the sky and hit the bottom.

...ha. If only they could.

They're just trudging in the field now. It's pretty nice. Pastel colours. Figments of happier times. Nice things. All kinds of childish drawings.

They should really collect those sometime, but it's nicer to leave the field be.

Besides. They're here because they fucked up the manor. Again.

They didn't mean to, y'know.

It's just that the manor stings. The manor hurts. It reminds them what they fight for. It reminds them exactly what they are.

So they wander.

The regrets accumilate.

The emotions grow.

The constant bad-moon over the manor is there for a reason, after all. They can see it.

If they peered at it, would they see its cause?

...they already know the cause. It doesn't quite matter.

Can't really destroy the cause when it's trapped in their chest, after all.

Well. They could.

But, you know. People to live for. A world to fight for, and all that.

...

The field is nice.

But it's best to let sleeping dogs lie.

The child in the field is a quiet thing, curled up on itself.

They wonder if it has dark eyes. They pray they never find out.

.

the world is alive

and you are too

oh little quail bird

what colour are your eyes?

close your mouth don't say your goodbyes

oh little crow bird

you'd better let it lie

today is another day

where you're not allowed to die

oh little raven

are you still feeling cold?

what will do you do with all these feelings that you hold?

the world is alive

and you are too

it's okay

you're just feeling blue.

.

The manor's back to it's usual state.

Honestly, what's the use of keeping it up?

It's...safer for the construct that way, they guess.

Sure, the constructs aren't really- y'know. Real. But they're real enough. They'd never be able to ruin any version of the people they care about- even the fake ones.

...okay, maybe not never.

But it's still something they want to avoid.

...god, they don't know what they'd do if they kept hurting everyone. Even the fake everyones.

If the real ones can't be happy- then at least they'll allow the constructs to be.

(Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. You're doing this for your own happiness, aren't you?)

(Of course you are.) (Disgusting. Miserable. Horrible.) Sometimes they wonder if the world outside is real. Or if it's just another figment of their imagination. Just another construct.

But the people outside are good. And wonderful. And alive.

They wouldn't be able to come up with any of that.

So maybe not.

It's real. Nothing they make could be so alive like that, right? Cruel, yes, but also wondrous in a way they're never be.

It's something they're not quite a part of.

Something they don't deserve to be a part of.

They wish they'd never been made.

They dream of falling.

They dream of leaping.

They dream of bleeding out on a blanket, staining the multi-hued thing a messy red.

They wonder what it'd be like.

(Do they already know?)

.

The emotions hurt.

They deserve them.

Even if they're not productive.

It's what sinners deserve. Demons. Monsters. Things that belong down below.

Corvid's next to them now. There's an opening in their arm.

"....you didn't..." They begin, even though the question is stupid and the answer is obvious.

"Nothing noticeable on the outside. Nobody will see it."

Yeah. That's good. If people did, then they'd be attention seeking. If people did, they'd be taking up more time and worry and energy from others that they really don't deserve.

"I have already covered it up. It will not be noticeable."

Sure, the world inside is nice.

But the relief isn't as good as the kind on the outside.

"Oh." "Okay." "...thanks."

"You do not have to thank me."

They know. But it's still a nice thought, isn't it?

"...I know. But thanks for protecting me anyway. Again."

Corvid's expression changes into the approximation of a smile. Not quite there. It's an attempt at comfort, an attempt at being kind.

It's a nice effort, really.

For all that Corvid could do it on the outside, the awkward, broken smiles of the inside were nicer. More real.

On the outside, they smiled to survive. To be polite. Good. To fly under the radar. A lie, wrapped up in a pretty bow.

This wasn't any of that.

It was just an awkward attempt at comfort. Nothing more.

Corvid's expression is the approximation of a smile. Emotions drip down their arm.

Corus Wayne smiles back.

[kamii-2]

how i think the outsider boys would react to you coming out as lesbian

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

so like this is my first time writing headcannons so i’m very sorry if they suck 😭 please enjoy this post and have a good day :))

i’m sorry that some of them are short then others 😞 idk what to put for them

warnings: mentions of homophobia, cussing, and slurs

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ponyboy curtis

he would most definitely support you

he would probably ask what it meant

after you told him he would say something along the lines of “OHHH, we’ll just know i support you” and give you a big hug

he would (attempt to) stick up for you if someone was homophobic to you

he would try to put you on with EVERY girl you say is pretty

he would help you tell the rest of the gang about you being lesbian

during pride month he would definitely give you some kind of rainbow or lesbian flag colored gift 😭

he would probably cry when you tell him bc you trust him enough to tell him first

he will definitely almost out you a couple times

like i can imagine him trying to make some random man leave you alone and he says something like “she doesn’t even like bo- ..you.”

johnny cade

johnny wouldn’t know what to say at first 😭

like he would just stare at you then say “..what?”

you’d probably have to explain to him what it means

he would thinks it’s a disease or something

he start to freak out a little 😭 “what does that mean? is it a sickness? is it contagious?”

he would most definitely support you

yk bc he’s gay and all (just like ponyboy)

he would ask you who ur crush is then ask pony to help out you guys on

he would probably accidentally out you to the whole group

like i can imagine him saying something along the line of “so how’s everything going with you and your girlfriend?” then everyone stares at you 😭

tbh i can’t really picture hum doing/saying anything else to you besides checking up on you and your crush/girlfriend

he seems like he wouldn’t care if you were lesbian or straight or anything else

dally winston

he would laugh at you at first bc he tougher you were joking

once he sees you not smiling he said “oh- you’re for real?”

he would be slightly homophobic 😭

he’s the type of guy to accidentally out you to the whole town

he would beat up anybody who made fun of you

he would says slurs but not in a mean way (ifykwim)

bro would jokingly bully you for being gay

like he would say stuff like “that’s why you’re gay” and you would say “don’t you like girls too?”

dally would see something rainbow and immediately say something to/about you

*sees rainbow cup at store* “look its your twin” and he would start laughing extremely loud after 😭

just like pony, he would try and put you on with EVERY SINGLE GIRL you call fine or look at

sodapop curtis

he would give you a big fat hug when you come out to him

he would start to cry a little 😭

he would protect you from homophobes

i could see him yelling at someone or beating them up bc they were homophobic to you

he would be so nice to you and help you with any type of relationship problems

he would be ur therapist

“soda i don’t even know what to do anymore man, i just want her so bad but-“ “shhhh it’s okay, why don’t you find a new crush?”

soda would somehow get you with your crush after only talking to her about you one time

“sooo…how do you feel about my friend y/n?” and then he would go on for like 30 minutes on why she should be with you and stuff like that

he would also get you gifts for pride month 😭

steve randle

he would be kinda frozen for a second

“steve…i like girls..” “……….me too”

he would be super duper chill about it

he would help you with any type of relationship advice or anything to do with relationships

he would teach you how to flirt

he would help you get ready for dates

he would definitely ask you to work at the DX with him and soda just to see hot girls all day (and to actually work, but mostly to look at girls all day long)

he would give you pep talks before dates/asking girls out

two-bit matthews

biggest hype man ever

would yell in happiness at you telling him

you both go to the nightly double and rate random girls

“what about that broad over there” “7/10”

you both have completely different taste in women

“that lady that just walked by was fine as hell” “two-bit matthews, that lady was ugly”

he would be so interested in all of your love life drama (all of the guys are)

he would give the worst advice ever

like don’t trust any advice he gives you bc you might get beat up 😭

he would say slurs aswell but once you tell him what they mean, he would stop

“stop it fag” “two… that’s a slur” “IM SO SORRY, I DIDNT KNOW” then he would give you a big hug 😭

he would attempt to be ur relationship therapist but would fail horribly

darry curtis

he would not care at all

“darry.. i’m gay” “…okay?”

he would protect you from homophobes (they all would)

he would let you rant to him about your love life

idk what to put for him 😭

i’m so very sorry this one is so short

—————————————

i hope you guys enjoyed this post :)) i hope you all have a good day!! bye love you all 💋💋

[pinkrangersarah]

What are your thoughts (if you have any) on the respective love interests the rest of the F7 are shown meeting in the end credits? 🎤 me personally I never really saw the three tin girls we see alongside the triplets as their love interests, I always thought they built them and are therefore (technically) their daughters; mostly because I think it’s a bit boring to pair up the triplets with other triplets idk that’s just me 🤷

okay, so technically i have A LOT of thoughts, which is hilarious considering we don't know anything about these characters; not even their names. i've just been thinking up fan fiction so long that i've basically created entire oc's around them. so i'll give my initial thoughts and then what i've personally come up with!

little red riding hood has never been a super interesting character to me. rather, her initial persona has never been interesting to me. it's a good fairytale on its own, but nothing about red herself had ever stood out to me. all of the different interpretations of her over the years, however, have been really fun. her "once upon a time" interpretation is probably my favorite, and it plays into one of the BEST tropes that has come out for red riding hood over the years--which "red shoes" also does--is red riding hood herself being the wolf.

i think arthur and werewolf red riding hood could be very fun for various reasons. werewolves are monsters, something merlin states in the beginning that the fearless 7 are called to deal with regularly. arthur also puts a lot of value and his self-worth into his physical strength, and as a werewolf red riding hood would no doubt be much stronger than him. these are prejudices arthur would have to climb over (i don't see arthur as sexist, but he cares so much about being strong that a tiny girl like red being five times stronger than him would no doubt bug him), allowing him to grow as a person and love red riding hood for who she is.

ugh. to be honest, this is my least favorite. it really feels like they just didn't know what to do for jack; i can't seem to find the JPEG anymore, but if what i found was genuine concept art then they were originally just going to make a merman that looks... just like jack? thank GOD somebody said that was a stupid idea (again, if that was real concept art), so then we ended up with this. YES, i know the moral, but i just... don't really see what they were going for with this.

admittedly, i did make up an oc for jack, whom i will eventually put out more art for (because i do genuinely want to write something), and i did keep the water theme. i liked the idea of arthur having to overcome a major prejudice so much that i came up with the same concept for jack by making up a sea witch companion for him.

this is no doubt sleeping beauty, and honestly it is probably the funniest one out of them all. true loves kiss who? no, just make some damn good food and sleeping beauty will come running. making female characters (especially princesses) messy eaters with lousy table manners is absolutely nothing new, and i'm certain someone somewhere has paired them up with a foodie with exceptional cooking skills before, but it's still an endearing duo and a very fitting choice for hans. he doesn't strike me as particularly picky, he and the triplets honestly seem the less vain out of the seven; he just wants to cook and bake for someone he loves. it's very sweet, and i like sleeping beauty's design here.

i also agree with you that these automatons are not meant to be girlfriends. hell, the triplets seem content in their dwarf forms. i think the automatons are just assistants that happen to look female. to be honest, i think it'd be hilarious if somebody, maybe arthur, joked that they couldn't find anybody they each clicked with so they just made companions, and the triplets just go "what, no, we needed help in the workshop since you're too afraid of little oil and grime."

[djangari]

I just cried for half an hour (while baking plätzchen) cause I first didn't find the German soundtrack for spirit [Does anybody even know the movie anymore?], then found it, sung a lot, cried more and the plätzchen browned a little bit too much...

Anyways, probably gonna write a story about plätzchen backen with the academy and let someone face their childhood memories (trauma) cause I do this shit for me and I want to celebrate and share my Christmas traditions (which are mostly super german[prepare for a weihnachtsmarkt visit oneshot])

And I maybe should talk to my therapist about this, idk.

For anybody who wants to listen to it btw

[shamemp3]

THOUGHTS ON YOUR FAV SPIDERMAN RUN KING? 🎤

OHHHHH MAN.

okay. i have two favorites. there is jms's run (DESPITE sins past and omd bc those were editorial pushing that onto spider-man's narrative and it just happened to be him writing asm at the time so he was stuck with those shitty storylines. i also didnt like the spider-totem shit bc imo it goes against the core of spider-man which is that he wasnt "the chosen one" and that anyone can be spider-man but i will forgive jms for this) and there is friendly neighborhood spider-man 2019 which. believe it or not was by tom taylor. do not like the guy but that run was REALLY good but jms is still on top for me he just gets spider-man sooooo much tbh

jms's spider-man is good for many reasons to me, aside from the storylines being fun in general like even tho omd was ass it was written beautifully. peter and mj's goodbye brought tears to my eyes even tho i hate that stupid fucking idea im glad it was jms that executed it bc at least the writing was beautiful. AND what came before omd was back in black which is one of my favorite peter storylines in the entire world bc jms does write peter as a funny guy while also having him be hot-headed and vengeful and a dick ESPECIALLY when people he loves are on the line and this is something that many modern writers forgettttt omfgggg they diagnosed him with funnyguy disease and he has NO OTHER traits and he's so shallow but with jms he's real because you can tell his humor and his flippantness is an act and that he is VERY intense as a person which ... duh. his guilt is what gets him into spider-manning and then that guilt grows into a sense of responsibility and a care for community and people and that is something else i love about jms is the community in his stories !!! many of his storylines are focused on the neighborhood rather than him fighting outer space aliens or some shit its literally just him helping his neighbors and sometimes not even as spider-man but as peter which i love. and he's a teacher in this run too which is one of my favorite jobs peter has ever had because i think it fits him very well and he loves it and i wish he had gotten to keep it.

this run is so earnest and sincere and so many panels and conversations with mj and may make me insane but its still funny and it shows you who peter really is as a character i wish i could explain it with words but ill show you my favorite panels later instead. petermj is also at its heigh here and i think that if anybody were to read any peter run it should be jms's. i just think that overall jms shows you that despite peter's humor you still see how much he cares about people and how earnest he really is despite the whimsy (sigh) and though he's rude and a dick he does put his heart into everything it's just that the entire world is so against him and so his guilt and his grief and his choices eat at him no matter the outcome.

i also love this run bc mj knows about spider-man and may finds out and it just makes me think wowwww wwhat we could have had if omd had not happened. i get peter and his secrets blah blah but i hated that so many people do not know anymore after bc come on. ESPECIALLY mj and may (and the f4 and matt as well tbh but. for another day) and idk this run shows u a little glimpse of how much better it is when pete's loved ones know about his other life. idk. this was a small thing but whatever

i have so much in my head its just not coming out and its not coherent so. panels:

asm (1999) #34

asm #35

asm #38

asm #53

i want to add more panels but my laptop is starting to lag excuse her she has been with me since 2017 and is breathing so loud right now

to sum it up the writing is beautiful i love peter as a teacher i love the neighborhood and community aspect i love peter's characterization i love mj and may i even liked the little part where he lived in the avengers tower idk it was fun. i LOVED back in black. i didnt like the spider-totem shit bc i refuse to believe peter is the chosen one and i HATE sins past and i HATE omd (but jms wrote it beautifully). but overall jms gets it he sooo gets it and i love this run forever and as for taylor's fnsm 2019 its nice and fun and he also got pete's characterization but i wont go into it as much

[j2zara]

YAAAAAAY EHEH I GET TO SEND YOU A BUNCH OF ASKS 💖💖💖💖💖(<- these ones are just me being excited)

💖📥👀📊🍰🌝💻🧠

HIIIII SORRY THIS TOOK ALL DAY im so exhausted which is why i feel like my answers are not the best but here u go

💖 What do you like most about your own writing?

Argh…. Ngl i sent this one to more than one person in the circle of perverts bc I want to force ppl to say nice things abt themselves and now i gotta do the same thing. I feel like my answer before this year would’ve been my dialogue!!!!!!! Like. I do think i’m good at that. It’s hard to even say that because I feel like when I do enjoy a good quip and i feel like whenever i reread my original stuff im like “oh. I’m so marvel brained”. I don’t think dialogue is my strength in cloneverse tho.  At least. I don’t think it stands out. But otherwise that’s what i would land on.

Maybe it’s bc i’ve been in a very sorry for myself slump lately bc my current wip is giving me such a struggle but i don’t even know. Before now and my latest wip driving me crazy I would’ve said. Maybe coherence or theming? Like i don’t even know if thats a thing i CAN say like is it possible to be good at themes? Sorry im being so hard on myself rn I think if i were to look at my writing i would say i think it’s halfway decent but i don’t know the answer to the question…

📥 What is your fave fic to receive comments/messages on?

Oh this is an interesting one. For such a long time the answer would’ve been my old Talentswap fic for DR, tbh it always was like. Surprising and honestly kinda nice to get like a random comment of someone being like ‘hey i just discovered this! Sad its not updating but i really enjoyed it!” something like that. And I think b/c it was multichap it was very interesting and different when ppl were reading Almost for sure.

My secret weird answer is IYWD. Like. I’m at peace with the fact that its practically dead and nobody is gonna find it again i guess but a small part of me still considers it my favorite thing i’ve done in a long time so nobody does comment anymore but. That would be the thing i secretly kinda want. I’ll take literally anything tho obviously i love anybody that ever comments on anything.

👀 Do you have any WIPs that you would never let see the light of day? If yes, what are they about?

I have a Love is Blind au for a fandom I’m not gonna mention. Idk i might’ve mentioned it somewhere but eh. Its like ten chapters but only the first 5-ish are done i’m kinda 

And i’ve talked abt this this isn’t really a. Like. Oh I’m hiding this forever thing but. I have a DR Togakure hookup fic that’s written like. To take place during a naegiri wedding like in the post first game canon. And it is one of my favorite things i’ve ever written even tho it is smut, ngl my friends have been trying to convince me to post it and i might but im genuinely terrified nobody is gonna read it and im gonna be. Sad about it

📊 Current number of WIPs

Lol um… lj3porter fic. I’m two sentences into twelfth night coded j2 wooing Jace for Porter fic. Unfinished creeper Jace + j2porter fic…  a Jace topping Zara zarajaceporter fic. A fic that is in the IYWD verse that’s like a prequel that’s normal SB related. And if we could old fandoms I have semi abandoned talent swap (the ch 3.3 doc is like 10k lmao). Love is blind au.

If we’re counting original projects. My fantasy pseudo taming retelling. Horror comedy / locked room mystery called Date / Die. I have a. Sports romance (don’t look at me). And my weird lofty rom com thing that is this decade spanning story and used to be abt a “platonic” romance but idk I was like. They’re best friends they’re the most important ppl in the world to each other and they like having sex does that make this a normal romance. Maybe. Maybe not.

So ten. Yikes.

🍰 Name one of your fave comfort fics (doesn’t have to be your all time fave).

This is such a weird pull b/c i haven’t read it in years but Wing Man is a Bokuaka fic thats one of my fav of all time that makes me so happy idk its so like. Sweet and tbh i feel bad i never commented on it i really should bc they deserve to know i still think about it. but i just don’t reread fic all that often even my favs.

Actually that’s a lie i just remembered! I’ll cite something recent and i’m a little shy to cite something from the circle of perverts but also this is completely sincere i know i jokingly call @innskeep bambi’s LJ3 fic the perfect piece of fiction all the time but i do reread it… I just like them. I think it’s really cute and i like my little guys…  I love getting J3’s pov so much like i genuinely think its so comforting and special…

🌝 Who is one character you haven’t yet written for that you would like to?

I won’t lie I have a total DurDawn soft spot so like. I do think it wouldn’t fun to write something small for them. Also fucking hilarious as zukkacore that I’ve never written zukka and like. In my heart I would like too but they’re almost too precious for that? It’s hard to explain. Actually another answer might be for Mailee I actually think Mailee is soooooo underrated as a ship bc they have so much potential to be good for each other that wasn’t able to foster under azula’s thumb so I like that slightly toxic edge 

💻 Do you do research for your fics? What’s the deepest dive you’ve done?

I do a little bit of research but honestly not at much as i should. Last super deep dive i did was on the different filipino mythologies and history throughout the different regions bc ithink that subject is so interesting. but that has nothing to do with the sb circle that was for my own stuff. Lately I had to look up a little bit of elvish for something sb related lol. im such a fake fan of LOTR i love it but i’ve never actually read the books

🧠 What’s an idea you have that you can’t quite call a WIP yet?

A few! I’ve talked abt Jace hireling au I think that would be fun. And I joke abt Clone gamechanger au all the time and I SAID I wanted to try and make it work so like. Maybe. I’d love to try clone gamechanger au i think its funny and cute and i wanna do something indulgent.I feel like i’m forgetting something. Jess has real estate in j2porter vegas roleplay so i kinda wanna try maybe doing J2porter 50s housewife roleplay as a sort of sequel? I still like the idea of doing a You’ve Got Mail Shop Around the Corning fic. And. I feel so so so so indulgent wanting to write LJ3 stuff but like i just like them. I don’t know what i would wann write for them but i just like them

[apollo-the-frog]

im just gonna make a list of my favorite rwrb quotes

(sorry for any mistakes)

"you decided to put your dick into the heir to the british throne" zahra says, as she is actively pegging the equerry to the heir to the british throne

"HRH PRICE DICKHEAD💩"

to alex from henry

("is alex claremont diaz going to be a father?" news) 

to alex

"but we were ever so careful dear"

The turkey /cornbread knows my sins, 

Henry 

-alex

(I totaly... Privately called that)

-nora abt henry kissing alex

(I have no idea what a maypole is... Are they known for their homosexual tendencies?)-alex

"Who says make love anymore? Are we gonna like... Listen to Lana del Rey while we do it?) -alex

"everytime I see you it takes another year off of my life" -zahra after she sees henry in alexs closet 

[ALEX READING ONE LAST STOP]

"it's like there's a rope attached to my chest and its pulling me towards you"

-alex on the dock with henry

"if you want me to leave you'll have to tell me to leave"-alex at the palace after henry ghosted him

(WHEN THEY WRITE THE HISTORY OF MY LIFE I WANT IT TO INCLUDE YOU. And my LOVE FOR YOU!!)

-alex (i think) at the museum at night

"HISTORY, HUH? 

BET WE COULD MAKE SOME"

-alex at the museum at night

(and I'm not gonna get any work done until you let these lovesick homosexuals on the phone with one another) -zahra on the phone to shaan after email leaks (the lovesick homosexuals are alex and henry)

"the phrase 'see attached bibliography' is the single sexiest thing youve ever writen to me"-henry (i think) in emails

"Sugar, I cannot express to you how much the press does not give a fuck about who started what," Ellen says. "As your mother, I can appreciate that maybe this isn't your fault, but as the president, all I want is to have the CIA fake your death and ride the dead-kid sympathy into a second term."-ellen claremont, after the cake incident 

“You and me and history, remember? We’re just gonna fucking fight. Because you’re it, okay? I’m never gonna love anybody in the world like I love you. So, I promise you, one day we’ll be able to just be, and fuck everyone else.”-alex, after email leaks

HRH Prince Dickhead @

You are the thistle in the tender

and sensitive arse crack of my life.

Text from Alex:

yo there’s a bond marathon on and did you know your dad was a total babe?

Text from Henry HRH Prince Dickhead:

I BEG YOU TO NOT

A: "You are gonna go be, like, five hundred feet away from me for the rest of the night, or else I am going to do something that I will deeply regret in front of a lot of very important people."

-after alex and henry make out in the red room

"O, fathers of my bloodline! O, ye kings of olde! Take this crown from me, bury me in my ancestral soil. If only you had known the mighty work of thine loins would be undone by a gay heir who likes it when American boys with chin

dimples are mean to him."-henry in emails writing a story abt them to alex

"Christ, you're as thick as it gets," he says, and he grabs Alex's face in both hands and kisses him.

“I don’t give a damn what Joanne has to say, Remus John Lupin is gay as the day is long, and I won’t hear a word against it.”-(henry i think) in texts

"The next slide is titled: EXPLORING YOUR SEXUALITY: HEALTHY, BUT DOES IT HAVE TO BE WITH THE PRINCE OF ENGLAND?"

-ellen claremont, the powerpoint presentation 

"Sometimes you just jump and hope it's not a  cliff."(idk who said that but i think henry)

"Wait. Zahra. Oh my God. I just realized. You're... my friend." "No, I'm not." "Zahra, you're my mean friend." "Am not."-alex (idk when)

"I've been gay as a maypole since the day I came out of Mum, Phillip."-henry, with the queen

"Diaz, you insane, hopeless romantic little shit, says the voice of the President of the United States, muffled in the bed. "It had better be forever. Be safe"-ellen claremont, on voicemail 

oh shit i forgot the agenst the walls one sorry 😢

if you know the page # or character/time mistakes put in tags :)

[tamrielf]

coffindollie copied your intro post

" copied this copied that "

i've gotten so many messages accusing ppl of "copying" me. or accusing me of "copying" others.

literally just let ppl do why makes them happy. if it looks similar to mine then who cares??? i think its cool that they like similar things as me. thats why i follow her. im not here to dictate what ppl can and can't like or can and can't post on their OWN blog. if it makes her happy then thats fine!!

idk if u genuinely were trying to warn me with good intentions or ur just trying to cause drama, but just know:

i do not care. i do not care what other ppl do online, i do not care what ppl do with their lives or how they choose to dress, portay themselves, etc. i do not care if they have a similar aesthetic or vibes as me. i LOVE meeting ppl who i have stuff in common with💜

i'm going to be 26 years old in a matter of days and i don't have the time, energy or desire to put others down or make them feel bad because they like my aesthetic or like the same aesthetic as me. its just childish. everyone takes inspiration from everyone. its very, very hard to find anything that is 100% unique and hasn't been done before. its 2023. what is the point of accusing ppl and being mean just because they like something that you also like? when u could literally just be friends with them and have a community where u can share ideas and bond over interests. i love @coffindollie and her blog. i love all her edits and her overall aesthetic. i love that we post a lot of the same stuff. i share her posts all the time because i like them.

just be nice to ppl. let them do what they want. the accusations and drama are so unnecessary and ugly and i don't want any part in it. i've had more than my fair share of having to deal with bullies and ppl just wanting to be cruel to others and i don't care about that shit anymore.

unless someone blatantly plagiarized my art, like my crochet, or my writing, or original artwork, then i don't care. and edits don't count as original artwork. because if we are being honest, 99% of the posts and edits ppl make on tumblr are NOT made with their own original photos and artwork. ppl post stuff from pinterest, google, deviant art, web archives, ebay, etc. and i like that. i love that tumblr allows ppl to share things they've found and give others the opportunity to make pretty edits or share them again on their own blogs. if i like something then i post it. nothing i post is with the intention of wanting to be like anybody else. it just means i genuinely LIKE that thing. and im almost positive that anybody doing something similar as me is doing it because they LIKE it. not to "copy" me.

thats just a weird, negative, and creepy way of thinking. ive seen plenty of stuff that looks almost identical to what ive done. and when i was younger and immature, it USED to bother me. but now i know its because i inspire ppl, or i may have introduced someone to something, or because i have good taste in a lot of things! its actually a compliment! if someone does the same thing you do its because what ur doing is obviously appealing to them in some way, or they wouldn't have done it in the first place.

trigger warning for this next part:

sorry for the rant, but im just so over it. im tired of ppl trying to start drama with ppl they don't even know. or trying to bring me into drama. i don't hate anybody or have issues with anyone. it makes me have so much anxiety when ppl are unnecessarily mean. i myself have been a victim of bullying to the point of harming myself or attempting suicide. its not okay. and i still don't understand why ppl are fine with making others feel bad about themselves.

im just here to post what interests me and what makes me happy. im not by any means a gatekeeper of my style or my interests. if u love the same stuff as me then lets be friends💜🖤 i would love to meet u and discuss our interests together 🥰

[perexcri]

Stancy is Officially out as my fav poly Jancy ship,😌 esp after this new fic of yours, which made me wiggle around like a delighted little sea slug.

Honestly, Nancy deserves to smoke some weed and admire her bf with Argyle. When’s the last time she’s gotten a break like this tbh?? Ever??

Jonathan Byers, simp extraordinaire for his gf and bf(f). (This fantastic dynamic feels a little bit like how I feel Merlin/Arthur/Gwen would have been if bbc hadn’t been Cowards(tm).) also…\o/ shotgunning shotgunning shotgunning sho—

Also, the undercurrent of Ow in regards to Jonathan’s Extreme amount of trauma? you somehow managed to thread a bit of Pain into this lovely interaction. (“He’s sick of being domestic–he just wants to be a teenager!” & “I’m fine,” he lies, and it’s an easy one to roll off of his tongue. He’d been doing it all his life.” &!!!! V much!!!!! “Secondary parent, half-mother and half-father, always up in the morning to make breakfast for his little brother, and always relegated to haunting the back of classrooms and the edges of hallways–the creep and the weirdo.” Crying screaming on the floor eating my phone bye). (Also also Jon doubting that Will needs him anymore, nonoo oh dear no he does need u I promise. Crying yelling throwing up curling into a ball. He’s always gonna need his big bro and Jon doubting that is sending off death flags which are oh dear 😭)

Argyle is just. Such a good, kind guy, and good for Jon and Nancy. Like a soothing lotion/sun screen on the burn that is their horrific lives.

“Jonathan and Nancy both stare at Argyle’s mouth, watch it catch against the joint.” 🤭hohoho honestly making me ship Both of them equally w Argyle,

“My fair little Wheeler” orz on the floor bye

If there is not at least One (1) interaction between the three of them in s5 that is even a quarter as good as this one, honestly I’m throwing tomatoes at the Duffers’ houses.

Anyway, lovely wonderful fic!! Hope you are having a good week and thank you for improving mine🥰

VEEEEE i'm glad you liked the Jarncy fic hehehe. i know it's not my typical wheelhouse, but it was so fun to write, so it's nice to hear you enjoyed it!! :D tbh the biggest compliment i was hoping for from this fic was hearing at least one person say they ship it a little more than Stoncy after reading it, so you have fulfilled my wish 😌 (no hate to Stoncy ofc lol)

LITERALLY let Nancy Wheeler smoke weed. or just something - she's going through it just as much as anybody else, and i think she deserves a chance to relax 😩

and you're so right about Merlin and you should say it louder

yeah we can't have anything nice around here without a little pain right :) idk Jonathan is a very personal character for me because i grew up as the eldest in a single-mother household, so there's a lot about his position in life that i relate to too much, hence the angst bleeding over a little into this fic. maybe someday i'll post that other Jonathan one shot i wrote! it's got plenty more of some of the stuff discussed in this one 🙃

and yeah him and Will :') listen the most surprising thing about this fic for me was realizing that, in this scenario, Jonathan would actually be in a very similar position as Mike. furthermore, I think Jonathan struggles with being needed like Mike, too. i think Mike's is more wanting to be needed and getting sidelined while Jonathan's is more having been needed for so much of his life that he doesn't know what his life would look like without being needed. and that definitely showed here :') my poor dude i want to give him a hug

...but that's what Argyle's for, right? GAH i thought the same thing that you said!! i think there's something appealing about having Jonathan and Nancy, who are both really tightly-wound and damaged by The Horrors, buddying up with Argyle, who's pretty mellow and chill (as long as he doesn't like, you know, have to bury a guy in the desert lol). i thought his character would be a good contrast for both of them, and i'm glad that came across :D

Vee i am once again saying that i am so glad you liked this fic :] i knew it was gonna be a kinda niche thing and wasn't sure how it would go over, but tbh, just hearing that you liked it makes me smile :] also this one really challenged me just for its subject matter and working with different characters, so it ended up being personally rewarding? listen i know people really liked irresistible, but it didn't particularly challenge me in any way and subsequently i didn't end up liking it as much as some of my other fics,,,like it was fun and all, but i didn't feel really connected to it. this one, though, made me feel a lot better!! it was fun to try something new and challenge myself!!

i'm definitely gonna be writing more byler next tho lol. i promise i've got stuff i'm working on. i just gotta get my shrimp brain organized 🍤

this has gotten so long :') anyway Vee it is always lovely to hear from you, so honestly, thank you for improving my week :] i hope the rest of your week goes well!! 💜

(also i'm still staring at your aftry art btw 💐💐💐)

[elliebear666]

Letter From My Child-Self

So, to preface, my therapist gave me homework months and months ago. I have rarely ever done the homework not because I didn't care or didn't want to, but because I kept forgetting... finally, months later, I got around to doing this. I'm... a little nervous to share this because it is an extremely vulnerable part of me. But... I figure, idk, I want to document it. And? If anyone out there reads this and finds something positive from it? That's amazing. This is dark, and heartbreaking, and mildly unhinged. But I think it is important that I was as open and honest as possible! I'll show this to my therapist next session!

Hey, Ellie.

It's me, Mattie.

We haven't talked in a while. I kind of miss when we used to talk a few years ago when Matthew first let you come out. We were all really scared that people would hurt you so we hid you so no one would. But we all got to spend time together. I wish we could have talked more but you needed to grow up I guess.

I think you're becoming a pretty cool lady. You're nice and you care a lot about people. You love your family and your friends a lot, even if you don't see your friends that much right now. I don't think you're doing as bad as you think you are. You really are mean to yourself and Matthew and I wish you would stop. We all worked so hard to protect you but now you're hurting yourself. It makes me sad that you feel so bad that you hurt yourself. But I understand because I also feel bad a lot. I pray a lot for things to get better but they never really do. I'm glad you don't have to deal with it all anymore though. I'm glad you're finally the person you are. I know it was super hard to live the way you were. I understand a lot more than anyone thinks I guess.

I guess I'm sad a bit because you really want someone to love you, but for so long you didn't really love yourself. So people could tell and it made them feel bad for you, but it didn't really make them want to love you in a relationship or whatever? It's really hard for people to love someone that doesn't like themselves as well as trying to love themselves. But I also know you really love people. I know you really loved your ex girlfriend. I'm sad that it got so bad though. I know you wanted to marry her and you never wanted that with someone else before so you must have loved her a lot. I hope I find someone I love that much one day. I think about getting married a lot sometimes but I think about being the girl and not the boy. I don't want to be a boy. Mom says I am and everyone says I am but I don't feel that way I just don't say anything to anybody. I tell people on the internet that I'm a girl and it makes me happy so I'll just keep doing that. I guess you understand what that's like more than anyone.

I think that you should try to get better. Not so you can do stuff other people think you should but so you can be happier. I know you want to be normal and do normal people stuff. I bet it's hard to deal with all the stuff you do. The people that made fun of you for how hard it is probably don't like themselves I guess. So I probably wouldn't listen to them much.

I'm super glad that you're being you though. I used to dream about flying away, and I'd day dream about being a girl but I'm embarrassed and I don't know what to say. I told dad that I wanted to do a movie where I'm a girl and I have the blonde wig and green dress and I'm the main character for once but I don't think he will because he only does what he wants to do and gets mad if we don't do it too.

I think you shouldn't give up on your dreams either! You're getting good at writing I think. It's hard to tell because you use some words that I haven't heard yet but I probably will eventually. The stuff you write seems really sad though and it makes me feel sad for you. I hope you follow your dreams and meet someone you love and live a happy life!

I was also thinking… it would be good for you to remember some things. Your girlfriend was really mean after you guys broke up but you were pretty bad too, maybe worse I guess. I know you feel super bad because you keep hitting yourself and hurting yourself with fire and it worries everybody. What I wanted you to remember, because those people were lying to you or about you and saying you weren't who you were, I want you to remember when we were on the computer at the trailer doing that learning game about I think it was the wild west. But one of the things you could click on was an old time dress, and we'd keep clicking it to see the woman in the dress. Do you remember how it made you feel? You wanted to wear her dress and be her. You thought it was pretty and wished you could wear something like that but we both knew mom and dad wouldn't let you and people might hurt you or mom and dad. I also want you to remember us telling people I was a girl that had parents with ponies. I know how much you and I liked horses. We liked dinosaurs and frogs and turtles too, but we really wished we could have a pony. I'm kind of sad we never did get one. I still think about it.

I know you used to have a lot of nightmares about stuff. Like about dad hitting mom and us kids. How scary he was when he got angry. We were all so scared all the time. I guess we haven't had much time to be kids. We do but also we don't I guess. It makes me sad. I know one of the things you can't forget is the time me, you, and your brothers were standing in the living room crying because dad was screaming at mom and she was crying and he pushed her and grabbed her hair and pulled her into their room. She screamed while he was pulling her and she screamed a lot once the door closed. He was hitting her and she was crying and we were so scared but we couldn't do anything. We were just kids. Or all the times I was crying so dad hit me or yelled or threw things at me. I don't know why he doesn't like me crying or being emotional. He's really awful and we all hate him, but we are more scared of him.

I also think a lot about the time we were at Jenny Wiley park at the lake and mom was going home to do some stuff but it looked like it was going to start raining but dad decided to swim across the lake for some reason and he left us there on the beach while people drank beer and were loud. I felt upset and scared, but I tried not to show it. I guess I feel like that's what he always does. He leaves and doesn't seem to care about us. He's not kind. One time, mom broke her foot because Jack's leash got wrapped around her ankle and she fell. But dad was yelling at her and telling her to stop crying because people would hear her. I was really upset because I knew she was hurt. But he didn't care or seem to notice she was really hurt. I don't know why. He doesn't seem to care or notice when we are hurt and if we cry or are loud he gets mad and yells and sometimes he gets into fights with mom about it. It's scary.

I also know you remember the stuff your older brother did to you. He was really awful. Older brothers are supposed to protect their siblings, especially their little sisters, but he didn't. He hurt us a lot. He's really mean and he keeps killing animals and they scream and he doesn't seem to care. I cry, but he just pushes me to do stuff I don't want to do so I do it anyway. One time he saw a big turtle, like a really big one! And I saw it because I loved turtles and I was going up to look at it and he picked up a big rock and smashed the turtle with it. It twitched some and there was blood everywhere and I cried a lot but he laughed at first then told me not to cry or tell mom so I didn't. I never tell mom or dad about the stuff he does. I want to but I don't. I don't really know why. He keeps hitting the dogs too and he's really scary sometimes. He also pees on my face in the shower but mom thinks he's just being silly but it doesn't feel that way. We do other stuff too, where I get to be a girl. I almost want to tell him that I am, or want to be, or something I guess. But I don't. Instead, I get to be the wife when I lay on top of him in his room and I really like that. We don't do a lot, we touch each other and stuff, but it makes me happy that I get to be a girl. I wish I could always be a girl but I guess I'm a boy. Mom keeps cutting my hair and I cry because I want long hair but she says I have to cut it or I'll get ticks. She says I look handsome but I'm just upset. The other girls in the park don't cut their hair during summer. Why do I have to? I don't really feel like a boy but I also don't know how to talk about my feelings and stuff. I don't really understand all of it. Mom and dad don't talk to me about that really so I mostly just keep stuff to myself.

I know you remember all this stuff. I wish I could have long blonde hair. I actually had a dream that I was a girl with really long curly red hair and I was on a cliffside with a Lassie dog and the grass was really tall. In the dream I look over the ocean and I feel good. But something is also not right? I think in the dream I'm sad and I don't know why. I have this dream a lot. A lot a lot I guess, where I'm this girl with her dog.

I guess that I learned some stuff from all of this at least. We get homeschooled so mom doesn't let us go outside until after the other kids get home from school. I learned a lot from her, but I also forget stuff a lot and she gets upset with me because I forget stuff so much. She said I would lose my head if it wasn't screwed on. I guess I just don't pay attention a lot. I'm daydreaming or thinking and I just don't remember what I'm doing or why. I lose stuff a lot too and I really hate cleaning my room because it is super hard. I end up taking forever because I try to play with or get distracted by a toy or something I find and forget where I was at in cleaning and it is really hard to make myself do it so I cry and mom and dad yell at me. Sometimes they help me.

I think you should work more on trying not to forget stuff because you'll end up getting in trouble a lot. I know you used to think about being a girl a lot, but just like me you didn't know what to say so you just told people you're a girl on the internet and it made you happy. I also know you dated that guy when you were thirteen or so and he was about sixteen but you told him you were 16. He was the same age as your older brother but his name was Tony. You really had feelings for him but you used pictures of girls that you weren't and you were upset that you couldn't be her. You wanted to be her so much you were really sad. That's why you make all your game characters girls. You liked the name Sarah a lot and I understand. It's a really pretty name. You ended up telling Tony the truth but it broke your heart. I remember you were so hurt and you cried and were upset when you and him got xbox together and your friends called him your butt buddy. You didn't know what to say but it hurt your feelings because you weren't a guy, really. Even if you had guy parts.

It's sad all this stuff that happened but you at least learned who you didn't want to be. Dad was awful and you learned how to care about people. But it was hard for you because you feel a lot and you don't know what to do with those big feelings. I don't either but dad doesn't like it when I cry so I try not to. I guess you at least know that if you're ever a mom you will treat your kids better. And, I wish you would stop telling people you're a normal girl? You're a girl but you're not a normal girl, I guess. I know it makes you so sad that you cry a lot and hurt yourself. I know you cry a lot because you can't have babies. That's really sad and I wish it was different but it isn't I guess. You know who you are at least. Even if it took a long time to be you. You're doing it now and I'm proud of you.

I talked a lot about bad stuff, but I also want you to remember good stuff that happened! Like when we went to Ripley's Believe It Or Not! Like two of them I think! And the zoo's and the theme parks! Like Dollywood! Or that night where you and your older brother crawled under the neighbor's trailer during a big storm to save those baby puppies that were under the trailer! We felt so good that we'd saved the puppies. Or, do you remember when we first started playing Final Fantasy 8 on the playstation? I know you loved that game a lot! It had romance and you wanted to be Rinoa. You watched the intro a lot and took the instruction booklet with you and asked mom if you could listen to Breathless from the Corr's on the portable CD player. You listened to it again and again while you thought about being Rinoa. I remember it made you happy. She was so pretty and you wanted to be like her. Do you remember the first time someone called us "She"? I know I'll never forget! I was being a girl for one of dad's movies and I got to wear a wig and that green dress so I wore mom's shoes and I went outside because I wanted people to see I was a girl. I really wanted people to see me as a girl.

For the movie I had to get hit by a car for one scene, and I was lying in front of the car by the front wheel, and an old lady got super upset and pulled over and ran over to us and said, "Is she okay!?" And I know it made me feel so good. That someone called me she? They saw me as a girl? I knew then even more that I wanted to be treated that way. I wanted to be called "she" but I only could do it online when I talked to other people in gamespy lobbies and stuff. That was one of my biggest moments as a kid! I've never been able to forget it! I know you didn't either! I also remember how I used to record my voice with the stand up microphone and I'd change it so it sounded like a girl. It made me so happy! I know you did that a lot too, and didn't want to talk in games with people because you didn't sound like a girl. You thought a lot about voice changers but you couldn't find one that would work. Now you don't need one!

I guess now I said all that, I want to ask something from you, Ellie? Sorry I wrote a lot. I guess I had a lot to say. Ummm. I want you to start loving yourself more. And loving that you are who you are. Because *I*really, really want to be who *you* are. It makes me sad and hurt when you tell yourself you hate yourself because I know how much happier you are now that you're a girl. Though I guess you always were a girl, you just look more and sound more like one now too!

I wish too that… you would be safe for the nieces and nephews. Because I need a safe person I could tell anything. I don't really have anyone I can tell my secrets to. I wish I had you so I could tell you my secrets. I feel like you'd have taken me away. Even though mom and dad said they'd have me taken away or that I'd get taken if I told anyone what dad did. I feel like you would take really good care of me, even if you would forget stuff a lot. Because you can say "no"! I can't really. If I do, dad hits me and then sometimes hits mom.

Can you please stand up for us? And… Can you please not let people be bad to us anymore? Matthew can't protect us anymore. So you've got to. But I think you'd be a better mom than Matthew would have been a dad. He didn't want to be a dad. Or a brother or a son or husband. So he said he'd never have kids or get married.

Would you be willing to maybe… draw or paint with me sometimes? I like doing that a lot. We could paint cats or draw dragons and knights! I miss watching you and your old girlfriend paint. I wanted to play with her but I was scared and Matthew was always worried she would leave him. But she said she loved him a lot and called him "baby" and they kissed and laid together a lot so I think she did. I don't know though. I guess we all miss her.

Also um… can you please be more nice to everyone? I know Matthew was really sad and upset and he was hurting himself and wanted to die… he said that a lot. But you don't have to live like that anymore. I know you don't look how you should and you have to change your voice… but it makes me feel scared when you get mad at people. You get so mad and it reminds me of dad only… he didn't apologize. You do, though. I guess you should try not to do stuff you need to apologize for.

I guess the last thing is that… when you get a boyfriend or a girlfriend, would you maybe… be a kid sometimes with them? I won't come out. You'll just be little Ellie. But that's good enough for me. I guess I'm a little sad about how things are. I feel lonely and sad and I don't know what to do. I want friends, but I want to be friends with girls. But all the girls you could have been friends with you ended up liking. Or they stopped talking to you when they got boyfriends. I know how sad you were about that. It happened. A lot. You felt like I do about mom and dad and everyone I guess. Like they don't love me or want me. Like they'll leave me alone and I'll be alone. I don't want to be alone, Ellie. I don't like being alone...

I miss your ex girlfriend's friends sometimes. Not all of them. Some of them were mean. But it felt good to have girls to talk to. We both get really, really lonely. I wish I could have talked to them and told them things but I don't guess they cared. They were her friends not yours. You tried to be friends but… you did really bad stuff and then no one wanted to talk to you anymore.

Don't be like dad and your older brother. I know you're not but sometimes I feel like you forget that you've never been like them. We are so sensitive… and we feel so much. I get overwhelmed a lot. You do too. But I'd rather feel too much than not enough.

Ellie? I love you so much. I know you love me too and I wish that things were different for us. I wish we'd been born right but I guess it's just part of our story.

Sometimes I miss Matthew too. Not… that I want to be him but… he was my friend. And he was your friend too. I got so used to him being around that I miss having a guy like him in my life I guess. I guess you do too.

I wonder if his ex girlfriend experienced him the same way we did? He really loved people a lot but he was really hurting and sad and he was so angry and lost. I think he saw parts of you in her, Ellie. He saw someone like you. You saw parts of yourself through his eyes. And you wished you could be like her. I'm sorry stuff got bad. I know you wanted to be her friend, but you and Matthew loved her so much I don't think you could have ever been her friend because she would have other boyfriends and it would hurt you so much you'd cry. But you would have stayed because you loved her. So... I guess that's part of why you pushed her away. Because if you saw her kissing someone else it would make you want to die and it would hurt too much.

Please be good to yourself. We all love you so much and we are proud of how far you've come.

The last thing is… don't hate Matthew? He didn't act right. And he hurt people and was mean sometimes. But he always meant well. He really loved people. He just didn't love himself because he wasn't even real I guess. Don't hate him or blame yourself. He made mistakes. You made mistakes. But… all of those bad things he did, he wished every day he could take it back and make it right. He kept hurting people even though he didn't want to. I guess he was hurting so much that everyone around him ended up hurt too. Which is sad.

Matthew and I still love you so much and we will always be here if you want to talk. We know you're here for us too.

Thank you for being you, Ellie.

Love,

Mattie

[mayssa-m]

My relationship with my mom has been really bad idk what to do anymore I did all I can, my family has never been like that idk what’s going on I don’t know whzre to get help from anymore im so over it anything i would cope with the situation by hurting myself more and more and hating myself even more and the thing is i know im a good person I dont want to hurt anybody im all focused on myself… i cant stop crying im so in pain idk what to do anymore

i have no one to talk to its all me with my thoughts 24/7 the only person that made me comfortable to open up a little bit to is my mom and now she’s the one slowly degrading her daughter it really does hurt

not even my loneliness throughout the day and the second im around people in my house who i can finally be comfortable around i get striked with sht not even a stranger would tell me

it hurts i keep letting go everytime but at some point i break down i cant handle much what have i seen from life after all

i tried talking about several times and end up being another fight I did all I Can but ig its meznt to be

fuck me who am i at the end of the day I cant even like myself i hate myself enough and keep hating myself even more its really when youre the nicest in the room to people youll be the one getting hurt and haten on for no reason

it sounds pick me as im writing it but what i feel rn is different sometimes i look back and think maybe the only way people would understand me is when im gone

Thats how i feel with or without me nothing will change who am i i fucking hate myself so much

[castle-dominion]

c3x24 knockout. Wasn't the last episode in this storyline knockout too? No, knockdown.

Plot heavy episode, after all, it is the finale.

RC: Hey, guys, I could use a hand. *Esposito & Ryan applaud* Ryan wearing a sweater again. Weekly is v often. their faces drop when they mention him

The ring <3 Lol the "special" & the "usual" & the excellent choice madame. I love it. An hour ago today? Why they all cheering? Oh bc he's the cop. "He" was going to get around to me Ugh he gives him a minute & lays down politely, like this is honestly so respectful of a murder. He's have more blood probably. I remember looking like that. I am now remembering that. You know, for weeks, possibly even a month or several months I could smell blood. The first day, even the first week bc i was still healing, I thought that the smell of blood was just there for real. The bathroom must have smelled like metal; iron & copper; idk how my family didn't notice anything. Maybe it was all in my head now that I think about it. Then later I realized that it was just a hallucination. Sometimes I'd get a whiff of blood & it would remind me of that night, other times I would remember it & suddenly I could smell it. Again, in the earlier days I thought that maybe the smell was real & I just didn't notice it until I thought about it. Figuring out I was getting hallucinations shocked me. Did I just give myself ptsd? I wish I had a photo. I considered it but my phone was in the other room & I wasn't going to go get it. All that blood. Looking back, even tho I'm (sort of) clean now, I want that photo. I wanted a reference for murder scenes in my writing or in drawing, I wanted to see the progress of what I had done, now that I can't remember it as well I want to know what it really looked like & how far I actually got. I used to get nauseous every time I thought about it, even though I was fine with gore. Now all I have is the scar. You know, I used to make jokes when picking raspberries or cutting beets, I said it looked like a murder scene. During this time I realized how wrong I was. Anyway I wrote a fictional story basically transcribing my experiences, just so I'd have a record of it if my memory faded, it was already getting muddy when I wrote it. Now reading it I can barely see it. I remember it though. I remember it. At least I don't get blood olfactory hallucinations anymore. Back to the episode!

Wow it's been four months? Yeah he has an employer. idek who that employer is. Wait if she was 16 & it's been 12 years then she's only 28... alexis is 17 & if he had her at minimum 18 that would be 35 minimum. Well that fits the half plus seven rule. She's 28? 21x2=42 which sounds just as accurate for castle tbh. Yeah cool. Tho tbh the half plus seven rule does fall apart the more you age since people's brains still go thru development phases even tho the most & biggest were from ages -1 to 25.

He technically isn't hal lockwood hence why they called him john doe. OH NO FLASHBANGS. Those things are not good. Even the guys breaking him out would have been affected, even if they covered their ears & closed their eyes. (You only have two hands, two would have to be for your ears & so all you can do is close ur eyes & even so it is bright & loud & there is a physical boom. She asks "where" but how does the lady know what she means? Where is it safe? Where did they go? Where are you hurt? Poor helicopter guy. was he piloting?

Just like, check ur inbox? Can't be real names, must be code. That's why espt made that face! Just like my Mumma! She has her emergency radio license or smth like that. She's the one who taught me the nato phoenetic alphabet. Having seen this. His face when the third cop is mentioned. they were just talking abt street justice cops & monty is saying they should take him out rn rn.

JE: He says he wouldn’t have even known anybody had used it if it weren’t for the bullet holes. XD Does she know or is she speculating? No ofc she is not, but she is ok enough & ok enough to work.

Jim Beckett! & This will be the scene from the deleted scenes in the previous episode. You're so right Mr Beckett. Her life is def worth more than her mom's death. I love Jim sm. Here is his quote btw: What happens when she finds him? I’ve already lost my wife over this. I’ve already lost – (he stops) No, look. It took me years, but I’ve made my peace with that. But Katie? She won’t listen to me. And she won’t back down. Not unless someone can convince her that her life is worth more than her mother’s death.

& wow both her parents are lawyers, she was even considering becoming a lawyer. No wonder she's so pretty & educated.

Didn't sleep at all or slept a little bit? No, not Ryker!

He gon be dead. Yep he dead.

That's why the wound is so bad, GSWs are so much worse in the exit wound Death fist 4 poster (btw I like how ryan takes off his tie & stuff when he wears his vest, unbuttons a bit)

See? If u treat someone with respect then they respect u too. Aw that's actually kinda sweet. Crushing on Beckett.

Ok our theory is currently that the third cop is the employer, the one holding lockwood's leash Ok that's valid you've been angry over johanna's death for twelve years but also ryan was frickin tortured by this guy I think he wants him around as much as u do, esp since he's also mad on your behalf (tho ig she could also be mad on his behalf then...)

I like ryan's elbow patches. (Suit tie & jeans) What was that little look from ryan? Keep in mind I've seen this before, when I say this: {RM is encouraging them to find the third cop, claiming that the 3c must have the money to hire dick coonan to clean up the mess} Yeah they've been here all day & between the four of them a six pack isn't too much. It's late. They deserve it. JE walking in with a case of beer behind his back: Sir. Uh, I know we're still officially on duty, but RM: Authorized KR: Sláinte (health in Gaeilge; pronounced slAn-chuh)* RC: Nice work. Ooh, those are cold. These are really cold. KR : Yeah, we keep them in evidence, refrigerated storage. (they just keep booze in refrigerated evidence storage??) RC: Isn't that where you keep the-- JE: Don't worry about it. RC: (*Irish Gaelic is pronounced (in English) 'gay-lik'. The (Scottish) Gaelic name for (Scottish) Gaelic is Gàidhlig, pronounced 'gaa-lik', not to be confused with the Irish (Gaelic) name for Irish (Gaelic), which is written Gaeilge and pronounced 'gail-gyuh'.) (clipping)

Beer: *casually reveals smth* Calls him a dirtbag SOB, {like my dude, y r u sending em out to find that info?} ((We get to see the meeting in a future season!)) Love. Everyone knows they love each other.

That rubber tree plant The kiss was for a disguise & frozen in each other's arms was for wamrth & bc friends can do that too! She's right tho, it IS her life. (just like the s8 premier) It is the end of s3 so it has been 3 years now? (maybe 2.5 bc the first season was short?) You deserve to be happy, but in that tone? Ooh How over? He is not going to abandon you.

Man's angry! Martha <3 <3 I can see how he might feel it is his fault even tho he's not the one trying to kill everyone. He drug it back up. (could clip but I won't)

I love when she calls him by his first name, it is so intense & personal, he is her second dad. He supports her so much so well. He really is good for her, helping her laugh, bringing in outside ideas... Hug her. acab lol But seriously hug her. You are her dad.

Old guys, probably retired they say. Miami! Wow ryan's cheekbones in this lighting... KR says he DOESN'T believe a "badge" is behind this. (Metonymy) {keep this detail in mind} (But then ryan is the first to crack abt you know who)

Oh no he's the third cop isn't he? {yeah he is} lol order off the menu (so roy made a deal with The Big Bad Guy to protect beckett) He would SO be found out B'y god's got nothing to do with this

What about the son? The way u hold someone intimately lets you put a thumb over their lips & kiss them That's an old timey gun. I like it. Another old timey gun.

Wow it's already been all day! Nothing eventful happened all day... At least miami dade got back to them this evening. Going out w/o telling her? I mean ok.

Big sad.

Bro's still wearing an nypd sweatshirt? Tight is a good word. Some rookie? Young enough to not be retired yet Could he have maybe misremembered the name if there were 40 others he needed to know the names of too & it's been 10 years? Montague maybe? He looks so baby *gulp* Rips up the photo, tbh that's rude

[JE is walking out into the alley] KR Hey! You know it's him. (He looks like he's about to cry.) Montgomery's our third cop. He's the one who altered those records. JE How can you even say that? How can you even think that?! Montgomery brought us on to Homicide! What do we got? A picture!?! KR (whispered/strained) Think about it. (Nromal but strained) Why else did he want us to take Lockwood out? Because Lockwood leads us to him! (Hun he told u to go after the third cop.) He's been lying to us. (Espt also looks like he might cry.) He's been lying to us the whole time. [JE shakes his head, mouthing what I think is "I'm out" & turns around to start walking away.] KR Hey! [Ryan grabs Espt's shoulder] JE Get off me! [Espt punches Ryan & turns around again. They fight. KR grabs him from the back & pushes him into the wall/truck/whatever that thing is. Espt pushes around & gets Ryan pinned to the truck with his hands on his shirt. & not in a sexy way. JE is yelling, holding KR's face & has his fist next to his head.] KR Go ahead! Go ahead! [JE throws Ryan's head to the side as he lets him go. They both lean against the wall, breathing heavily. They both look emotionally ruined.] KR Beckett.

AAAAAAGHHDSKJFSDHJ THIS IS MAKING ME INSANE & then they just don't talk about it.

Please don't let him be the one to kill her Girl set ur phone to vibrate, u'r a cop, this stuff can be dangerous. Why cock the gun? You can't put your family thru going to jail but this happens? (So babe you uh, don't they have ballistics for all nypd guns? when they pull the slug?)

A second chance <3 Who is the "he" They might have come even if Beckett didn't show up, as long as he said he got her there. Then again, they were probs watching. He is her dad so much Good on him to bring in Castle (of all people, he brought castle, even after kicking castle out) Oof this is where I stand They probs saw three figures there & probs even know he means to kill them. Castle is great he just picked her up like that! She was flailing & kicking & he just did what the captain said! Beauty!

(so lockwood has a bunch of people here too? Lockwood is not The Only One y'all) So there are four ppl there. Didn't they kill the two guys with Lockwood during the previous relevant episode? KB & RC came in to save JE & KR & they ended up shooting two of lockwood's people? Now lockwood has four more. Shoot from the hip... RM: You got that ass-backwards, boy, you can't hide from me.

love how they brought back the ass backwards line How did he shoot all of them so fast? Also with a gun like that wouldn't he have to cock it every time? Or maybe not, it was old fashioned, not old. It probably has the mechanism set so that the back thingy & the trigger are attached to pull back too. lockwood got shot, he's back up & running now? Love the music btw. Noooo not behindy! I saw to that. You're done, Lockwood, we both are. & that's why he had a sixshot & a second gun! ...Which was just up his sleeve like that & definitely dangerous

How did u know that was the last shot? What if lockwood was still alive (again) & now he's coming to kill you? At least she is wearing short heels Check his pulse maybe?

Lol acab. I'd just as well watch the Helena music video.

Is this beckett's apatment? I can't tell. Family. Doesn't include his legal family tho apparently. & you have accepted castle back? You know it's weird, Espt & Ryan are like Becket's little brothers (& big brothers) sometimes, they give Castle the cold shoulder in defense of Beckett; other times they are brothers with Castle, they have said "mom & dad [are] fighting" as if caskett is a relationship & those two are the kids, sometimes the captain is the dad. It's just so good to me. So good. Found family is lowkey cliche but I love it still. (But this means u can't tell alexis, martha, lanie, jim, or anyone, bc they are extended "family" not immediate "family" right?)

Who's the guy behind Espt there? Also why didn't Esposito shave?? I feel like Castle should be wearing a hat, just to fit in. Not a hat like theirs, but some sort of trilby maybe. Tbh I really like seeing the pigs in their blankets. Not only because I like fancy stuff (I say wearing the same dirty jeanjacket with holes in it like some crustpunk) but also bc I like seeing them in hats, speaking as a hat wearer myself. & who's the guy behind Ryan?

Crying quietly, 👌 love it You don't necessarily owe it to him, you owe it to his family, you owe it to them to get the pension & access to the widows+orphans fund & w/e.

I like how they let Castle carry the casket even tho he is not a cop. Ok my man definitely needs a hat, he really looks out of place. Aw the poor family. yk acab even tho he be dead. I mean best wishes to him & the families+friends. Like tbh big acab moments. A huge funeral for him? Ok how many ppl there actually knew him personally? How much of this is just because he was a fellow enforcer of the law? How much of it is REAL & how much of it enforces an institution where brotherhood takes priority? Btw did they teach castle how to do the proper stepping for the fancy parts of walking around & turning the way they do? I thought Royce did that. KB: You might find someone to stand with you *looks over to Rick* How did rick actually see that tho? I'm glad he didn't jump in front of a bullet, it hit her first. ALSO LANIE BEING HELP BACK BY ESPOSITO Girl that's not how you save someone. U might want to put pressure on the wound or wear gloves if u have any (like airplanes) & do NOT put your hands on the grass like that

Ok cool. Now I'm actually going to watch season one bc I never had the chance to liveblog that.

Ok now I've also gathered all my clips from s3 yay