#doctor who only kinda gets a pass on the ���just a human guy” syndrome but only bc it's like. one of the originators of this whole trend

[cosmikazie]

every science fiction show that deals with aliens should have at least a few furries in the writers room and design department bc my suspension of disbelief is slowly but surely burning out over people making aliens look like this

[heecyon]

Enhypen Little Angels Series: When they find out their s/o is pregnant

warnings: cursing, mentions of miscarriage and hospitals, collapsing, vomiting and couvade syndrome (for Sunghoon and Sunoo)

this happens before the og enha little angels

taglist: @skyaura-koo @serendipityclick @en-sun @envirae @exulansis-eun @gamezzzz

Pls tell me if I forgot anyone from the taglist and I'll fix it immediately.

I'll try to fix any grammar mistakes. Sorry for the delay

word count: 1,523 words

Lee Heeseung:

“Heeseung... What if i'm really pregnant?” Mina said bouncing on her feet.

Being nervous wasn't the words that she would use to describe how she feeling at the moment.

“If you are pregnant, then that means that our child will have the most amazing mother and the most amazing father.” He set his hands around Mina's waist, then accommodated his head on her shoulder.

“I'm not talking about that.” She sighed, looking at the ring on her finger.

“You mean... the loss?” Mina nodded, her gaze was sad and her eyes were glossy.

“It wasn't your fault jagi, and I know that you fear that the same thing will happen again, but I promise you that everything will turn out for good.” Heeseung placed a soft kiss on his wife's lips, then unified his forehead with hers.

“I think... I'll go check the test.” Mina said before placing a kiss in Heeseung's cheek and going to the bathroom to see the results.

He waited a few seconds and then...

“Heeseung, I'm actually pregnant!”

Park Jongseong

“How many times do I have to tell you that I'm fine?” Bella said looking at IV hooked on her hand.

Jay kept walking around the hospital room, he was a little bit mad, he thought that Bella hadn't taken care of herself as he told her to.

“As many times as you want, because it's not gonna work for me, or make me feel better.” He kept pacing around back and forth, trying to keep himself calm.

“If you keep rambling nothing will be solved.” Jay huffed, as he pinched the skin of his left arm.

“And if you keep dismissing your health nothing will get solved!”

Bella groaned, sometimes Jay could be way to stubborn.

“How many times do I have to tell you that I've been taking care of myself.” She pouted.

“It doesn't seem like that to me.”

Just in time the doctor appeared on the room.

“What is it doctor? Is she healthy?” She smiled at Jay and then at Bella.

“Well, there isn't any problem... Except that you have high levels of HCG.”

They both looked at the doctor completely confused.

“This high level of HCG only appears on pregnancy. Congratulations, you are pregnant.”

If they were confused before then, I don't know how to describe how they felt by the moment.

“Huh?!”

Shim Jaeyun

“Do you think is something bad?”

Jake shook his head, while looking around the doctor's office. He was way more anxious than what he showed, but he tried his best to stay calm for Teagan.

It had been days since Teagan started vomiting and having nausea, to the point that she spent most days locked in the bathroom and nearly fell down the stairs because of how dizzy she felt.

“I'm done! I'm taking you to the doctors!”

Teagan looked at him dumbfounded. Why did he wanted to take her to the doctors so suddenly.

“But I feel fine.”

“Being fine is not nearly falling down the stairs because of dizziness.”

Teagan hated hospitals with all her might, and always tried everything to avoid them, but guess who still drag her to the hospital? Jake!

The doctor finally entered the office, making the couple turn their gaze to him.

He gave them a small smile, before saying:

“I already have your lab results...”

Jake grabbed his wife's hand, trying to calm himself down a little and also reassuring her that everything will be okay.

In the best case he thought you had a stomach bug. In the worst case you could some kind of terminal illness.

... But gladly those weren't the cases.

“It seems like you have high levels of human chorionic gonadotropin.” Teagan looked at the doctor with a dumbfounded gaze.

“What those that mean?” Teagan looked at the doctor and then looked at Jake who was in shock, but then spoke.

“It means... that you are pregnant.”

Park Sunghoon

... It started when Sunghoon started having symptoms. Hyeyoung noticed how tired Sunghoon was does days and how he started having cravings... A lot of cravings.

“And can you please add an extra order of fries please?” “Thank you.”

He hanged up on the call while Hyeyoung looked at him weirded out.

“You sure you are okay?” She walked up to him, seating beside him on the sofa.

“Yeah, why wouldn't I be?”

“Well... because you are acting like a pregnant woman.”

Sunghoon giggled a little, before he realised that...

“Hyeyoung? When was the last time that you had your period?” The girl looked down for moment, and then she finally realised what was going on.

Now they were both looking at the positive pregnancy on their hands.

“Oh shit!”

“OH HOLY SHIT!”

Kim Sunoo

Another case of couvade syndrome...

“Ah! Noona! Sunoo-Hyung just fainted!” Aera ran to the studio and saw the boys fanning Sunoo to make him feel better.

Sunno saw Aera's worried expression and then smiled at her to ease her up.

“I'm fine jagiya. I'm just tired.” He stood up with the help of his oldest members.

He walked up to Aera, who changed her expression suddenly, she started feeling way to dizzy and all off the sudden she lost her balance and collapse on Sunoo's.

The rest of the members started shouting worriedly and asked the staff to call medical help.

“I guess we have the same condition or something.” Sunoo spoke when they where both in the doctors office waiting for both of their results.

“It's probably the flu, or a cold is kicking our butts.” Aera chucked and Sunoo giggled a little.

The doctor entered the room, with the results on his hands.

“Well it seems like Sunoo is pretty healthy and there is no reason for your collapse, except that you have couvade syndrome.” He frowned at the doctors words wanting a clear explanation.

“It's when a partner presents the same symptoms as their pregnant partner.” Aera was the one frowning at that moment. Was the doctor saying what she thought he was saying?

“I'm sorry, but my wife is not...”

“The fuck?! She's pregnant?!”

Yang Jungwon

This boy rushed to the hospital the moment that he got a call from her mom, saying that Mirae had fallen down the stairs.

He freaked out, but when he got there Mirae explained him that she had blacked out and that made her fall down three steps of stairs.

“Are you sure you don't feel pain or anything?” Jungwon played with her hair, while he sat on her hospital bed.

“Wonie, I'm fine, it's just a small bruise”

“And a concussion.” Mirae's mother blurted that out of nowhere. Which made the girl murmured a "Mom" angrily.

“Ah! I guess I'll stay up with you all night.” He said rubbing her shoulders.

“I also have something else to tell you...” She grabbed a strand of hair and started playing with it.

“Hmm?” Jungwon payed all his attention ontu her.

“The doctor did a few tests... Everything's okay, but...” She passed and stayed quiet for while.

“What's wrong Rae, you can tell me anything, remember?” Jungwon smiled showing his cute dimples.

Mirae sighed, inhaled... Then exhaled.

“I'm pregnant.”

Jungwon seemed in shock by what she had just blurted out, but then started laughing immediately.

He was happy, obviously he was... But then he paused.

“When did I made you a baby?”

Nishimura Riki

They where both visiting Niki's parents in Japan, they where on vacations so they used that to pay a visit to them.

Mei Lin wasn't feeling that good throughout the whole way to her in laws house, she felt like throwing up the ride in the plane, but she thought it was just motion sickness.

“You sure you are okay? If you don't feel well enough, we can stay at the hotel and go tomorrow.” Niki wasn't that sure of what to do at the moment, but he thought it would pass in a few hours.

“No, I think I still feel bad because of the flight, but it'll pass in a few minutes, I promise.” She said patting Niki's head before calling over a taxi.

They got home pretty fast and had dinner. They were both enjoying their time, but something about the food just made Mei feel nauseated. So she covered her mouth and nose with her left hand.

The family noticed pretty fast and Niki's sister was already looking for a pill to calm Mei's stomach down.

While Niki was rubbing her back, his mother commented.

“You know, this reminds me of the symptoms I had when I had a few weeks of pregnancy with Riki.” She laughed it off, but something about just made the rest of the family including Mei freeze.

“I think... I'll just go get a pregnancy test.”

Everybody's eyes widened and the thought of their daughter in law being pregnant was kinda shocking.

An hour later, a positive pregnacy test was on the couple's hands.

Niki and Mei were both in complete shock, they were happy of course... But still shocked.

“I wasn't expecting you guys to take me seriously when I said «I want grandchildren as soon as possible.»”

[lana-llama-in-pajamas]

I posted 18 times in 2021

12 posts created (67%)

6 posts reblogged (33%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 0.5 posts.

I added 55 tags in 2021

#creepypasta - 8 posts

#ticcitoby - 7 posts

#masky - 7 posts

#hoodie - 6 posts

#creepypasta headcanon - 6 posts

#ticci toby - 5 posts

#fnaf security breach - 4 posts

#slenderman - 4 posts

#proxies - 4 posts

#creepypasta slenderman - 4 posts

Longest Tag: 47 characters

#not to be a robot furry dilf fucker on main but

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

proxy drabble pt.3

brian thomas/hoodie

I don't care how cannon it is hoodie is gonna be the level headed one

Tallest too

Slender says timothy/masky is the leader but they all know Brian/hoodie is 

Loves the resident evil games 

Carries around a cop gun everywhere away from the manor

Admits to having matching timberlands with Tim

Probably listens to the studio killers and old big jazz

Quiet in either persona 

If he was a animal he would be a capybara, gets along with almost everyone else

Oddly enough the one person that he hangs with the most outside of the proxies is Eyeless Jack. Both are quiet and reserved and tall. 

The few things he is conscious about is his height and his ability to be level

Is the designated driver of the “proxy-mobile” Toby and Jeff call it 

he doesn't pay too much attention to slender, only when he needs too 

There's not much about him, might keep updating this page though, keep in tune

13 notes • Posted 2021-12-13 06:14:23 GMT

#4

EYELESS JACK DRABBLES

Ok so hear me out I had a fever dream like that jacks full name was Eugene Owusu (like genesis Owusu) and he went to a medical school near where toby lives but he was like 24 when he was captured and sacrificed in the woods (like 2004)

Full name Eugene Owusu

Jamaican/American descent

Always wanted to be a doctor, now he's a personal one

Gets shit on by doctor smiley because he's technically a medical dropout

The most human about his feelings and needs

Was 6’2 now 6’6 which he thinks is funny

Has heats like a cat, will lock himself in his basement/living space/medical office for days and gorge himself to chill out and get too tired to be horny

Slender has tried to tell him that if he needed a partner for ‘relief’ he would get the proxies to find someone. Jack immediately will deflect and walk away in shame

Loves patching everyone up

Obviously this has caused opposite Florence nightingale syndrome a few times

He is very charming and kind

Proactively tries to not kill his victims

But has a few times begged the proxies to throw him down a dead body during his heats

Lets just say his fucked up demon mind saw it as a toy and food if you know what I mean

His favorite patients are the proxies and jane (their the calmest)

Uses Slenders blood as a healing substance

In his free time he likes to read physical books in the dusty library or clean it

Has a mini vengeance against Zalgo because he's sure he is the one he was sacrificed to

Close friends with Brian Liu and Jeff

17 notes • Posted 2021-12-19 07:49:50 GMT

#3

Creepypastas saying things I hear at work✨

Toby- y’know I never really knew why my name is what it is

Masky- what does it matter

Toby- who the fuck looked at me and said “yeah name that fucker Tobias Erin”

Slenderman reading- probably your bitch of a father

19 notes • Posted 2021-12-14 06:28:00 GMT

#2

steel wool why

why so

himbo and bimbo

25 notes • Posted 2021-12-22 06:48:36 GMT

#1

proxy drabble pt.1

Let's start with the star child of the pasta mythos tobias eren rogers 

I feel like with age all of our perspectives on the pastas changed dramatically from Jeff being like Edward from twilight mixed with a rawr xd vibe to now kinda being the joker on downer pills to me,crazy sure but more chill now that time has passed 

But this is about tobes

I feel like he still has the physical appearance and slight mental capacity to a 17 year old boy but knows he's older in years of existence, I'll explain more in head cannons for the “magic” at work i guess 

Cheerful ass 

Is kind of like that guy at your workplace/school/college that looks dark and mysterious but then you hear him talk and you can already see him watching really loud jacksepticeye videos on full blast 

For his cannon voice honestly i think david near my savior is spot on 

The fluffy hair is from the fact the poor man can't groom himsellf super well 

Lean body strength? Like he's always been skinny but now he has muscle on top

I dont think he likes anyone very much 

Went out with clockwork but because she's very brash and prone to jeff like tantrums they broke up to save them both from a different type of insanity 

Likes to be outside more than in on clear nights 

Slender has to scold him though “I own a perfectly good house and you decide to sleep in a goddam tree like you're a raccoon! young man if you don't get in this manor right now and blah blah…blahh

I wanted to keep his mom alive to fill his story with more spice 

Can speak phrases in german? Not well and can't remember what most mean 

Bet you forgot this boy's 2nd gen german huh? Yeah one of the few things that stuck with me plus i love fanfics that divulge in it more so here 

Loves those overly specific playlists on youtube now

Everyone makes this man handsome sooooo

Handsome and knows it. Will get with someone random just to prove it to the others

Bisexual? Just very straight vibes 

Likes cats and raccoons

Waffles are just a comfort food, and like eggo waffles and dollar store frozen ones 

40 notes • Posted 2021-12-09 08:55:57 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[lethesomething]

The definitely not definitive otome guide

I sincerely doubt the world needs this, but that sort of thing has never stopped me before. Have an extremely biased guide of several dating sim games, organised by some arbitrary metrics.

Word of warning: this will be long (4k words), because I've played an embarrassingly large amount of otomes.

As a disclaimer: obviously this is a personal opinion. If you (as a lot of people do) enjoy the more forceful bad boy type in your dating sim, I’m not going to judge you. I, however, don’t, so this list is very specifically going to call out games for how they treat the protag.

Featured here: Amnesia: Memories,  Blood in Roses, Cutie Demon Crashers, Destined to Love, Dream Daddy, Hatoful Boyfriend, Hustle Cat,  Ikemen Revolution, Ikemen Sengoku, Lost Alice,  Midnight Cinderella,  Monster Prom, Mystic Messenger

A note on play styles.

These games come in a few flavours, which is important to know if you're gonna try them.

The vast majority of the mobile games here follow a basic visual novel structure. You pick a guy and read through the different chapters, and depending on your answers you'll be leaning toward one of two or three endngs. Since these are free to play mobiles, there's a bunch of challenges you will need to log in daily to pass.  

Mystic Messenger is the main outlier, since it's a chat simulator that plays in real time.

The pc games tend to be more complex, with interlocking routes and more endings, generally. You'll need a number of skill points to meet character A for instance, or you'll need to do a series of actions to reach ending B.

  Great games

Ikemen Sengoku

Hands down one of the best mobile otomes out there right now. I found this when searching for pics of Masamune Date (from a different game) and I've sort of been obsessed with otomes since.

Platform: Android (free to play, pay for premiums) Story: MC gets sucked into a wormhole and finds herself 500 years back in time, in Sengoku era Japan. She drops in on the exact moment where Nobunaga Oda, the Demon King, would be assassinated at Honno-ji. She stops the murder, disrupts the timeline and now there's a bunch of hot warlords vying for her attention. Protagonist’s spine: Reinforced steel. This is one of my favourite protags, because she is Super Sassy and doesn't take shit, unless she's literally being threatened with a sword. The protags where I feel like I understand their actions are few and far between, but this is one of them. Except when she goes far beyond mere bravery to get her man, and decides to forgo tampons and, like, wifi, to live 500 years in the god damn past. Squick factor: Low. This game is made by Cybird, a company that appears very big on consent. The guys generally treat MC with respect, probably more than could be reasonably asked of a Sengoku warlord. The only worrying stuff happens in the Obvious Yandere route, but you kinda know what you're getting yourself into with that one.

The Good: I friggin love the writing for this game. The guys feel like real characters, there's a ton of interaction between them and I need to give this game extra points for the story events, which are almost invariably gold. This is where the makers stop giving a shit about realism and just go for what they want to write. There's ones where all the guys are suddenly idols, there's a Christmas episode, there's one where they battle through cooking and cleaning. It doesn't take itself serious, is what i mean, and it's Hilarious. The Bad: This is one where the in-game art (aside from the CG's) is actually not that great. Hideyoshi's smile is kinda weird looking and the models feel a little outdated at this point. Best Warlord: This is very difficult, because a lot of them are dreamy, but let's just say that I need a Mitsuhide route so very badly.

 Ikemen Revolution

The newest Cybird game and my current fave.

Story: MC falls down the rabbit hole when she tries to give a rushed White Rabbit man something he dropped. She ends up in Cradle/Wonderland, where war is about to break out between the Red and Black army, the Hearts and the Spades. Everyone is hot dudes and MC is considered Alice the Second (after the one from Through the Looking Glass). Squick factor: Low. Again: Cybird game. This means there is steamy situations and sex scenes, but they're blatantly consensual. The routes I've played so far keep well within the bounds of what I would consider romantic. Protagonist’s spine: Varnished wood.  In general MC is self-propelling with occasional bouts of bravery. You can tell why she's doing the things she's doing and how she reacts to situations feels sort of logical. She's hard-working and caring and a little naïve, but the fact that she's canonically a woman from early 19th Century London does put a lot of her actions in perspective (like the amount of bullshit she puts up with).

The Good: The writing is fun. There's a good mix of angst and just… general comedy. The characters interact with each other a lot, and it feels like they're a big loud family, especially in the Black Army, which is more like a frat than anything else. The art is also decent. The backgrounds are utterly gorgeous and most of the guys are very good looking. When I first started the game I was weirded out by the blinking animation, but I have since gotten used to that. The Bad: I found some of the plot rushed. Like you spend so long slow burn growing toward each other, and then suddenly stuff has to happen action movie style because we're running out of chapters. The final chapters of Fenrir's route were just plain dumb. Like could that BE more of an obvious trap. Come on MC, I expected better of you. Also, since this is a very new game, not that many routes are out (four at the time of writing). Best boy: Hooo man. Of the routes that are out, Ray is very… oooof. But my fave chars are probably 'so done' Sirius (the fact that he's voiced by Suwabe has nothing to do with this, surely) and 'also quite done' Kyle, who is both a doctor and an alcoholic wreck of a human being.

 Mystic Messenger

You know Mystic Messenger, it's like one of the biggest otome's of the past few years.

Platform: Android, iOS (free to play, pay for extra saves and stuff) The Story: MC follows a text message to a weirdly high tech apartment and this somehow puts her in the position of party planner for a secretive group of weird people. It only gets more complicated from there. The game plays out in real time, via chat conversations and the occasional story segment. Squick factor: Um. I personally wasn't weirded out, but I also decided very specifically not to play Jumin's route. This girl did her research. The routes in Another Story are also very over the top and would probably bug me. While I love the Saeran character, I don't think I'd be able to handle that route. So: highly dependent on chosen route. Protagonist’s spine: Adderall. It takes a specific kind of person to download a chat app and follow the instructions given by a random stranger therein. It takes a much stranger person to sit in an apartment with a bomb and just keep inviting people to a party. MC is on a different level from us mortals.

The Good: I loved the game mechanic, because it felt very real. The player is following a chatroom, just like the character is. Besides that, the story is completely bonkers and I appreciate that. The Bad: Did I mention it plays in real time? Because it plays in real time, meaning you get chat conversations at two in the morning. I was very sleep deprived when I played this. Best boy: 707. Dude is funny and deep and hot and relatable and smart and I want to give him all the hugs.

 Dream Daddy

One of the few decidedly mlm games I've played so far. You've probably heard of it since it was the subject of much hype and much controversy. Markiplier played it. Friggin Buzzfeed has video's on it.

Platform: PC and Mac (it's on Steam) The Story: MC is a Dad who moves into a neighbourhood with a lot of other single(-ish) dads. Time to work it. Squick factor: Low. This is primarily a humour game: there's a ton of dad jokes and silly mini games, and a distinct lack of kabe don's. The canon routes are all very thoughtful. Protagonist’s spine: Barbecued sausage. Player Dad just goes for it. He’s flexible and caring enough to handle the more sensitive subjects, and self aware enough to deal with random crime and weird drunks.

The Good: I remember opening this game and, in the character creation screen, telling a trans friend of mine 'omg you can wear binders', and the sheer Glee of his reaction. That's the kinda stuff this game was, partly, made for and it is appreciated. I really liked the tongue-in-cheek writing, most of the jokes landed and the whole thing is just a lot of fun. The Bad: Some of the minigames are annoying. Why the hell are you making me play Bejeweled with fish? I also had a hard time sympathizing with some of the kids. I mean… Lucien straight up tries to murder someone? Ernest is 'rebellious' but he's also an ass. Best dad: Damien has the best route, but have you Seen Mat? Holy moly.

 Not worth it games

Amnesia: Memories

This game should come with a friggin warning, so I'm giving it here. Its popularity and star rating is a terrible indicator for how much you may enjoy this game. It presents itself as a cute dating sim with gorgeous art, but it devolves into straight up horror, and not in the good way. This feels like a guidebook written in the 1800's to tell young women their place. Not even mortified intrigue could make me finish this. 

Platform: PC (Steam or Google Play) and PlayStation Vita Story: MC wakes up with amnesia. Someone hurt her and she doesn't know who to trust. You'll need to figure out what happened. Squick factor: Super high. Like… so high.  Everyone treats MC like shit and she just lets it happen, even developing all kinds of Stockholm Syndrome as she falls in love with these asshats. MC's childhood friend supposedly loves her but is such a tsun and just… doesn't communicate while also treating her like a small child. One of the other characters is so popular he has a fucking harem but MC is just supposed to wait for him to actually fall in love with her. And don't even get me started on that friggin yandere. *shudders* Even the secret route 'true love' character is a million types of wrong. Protagonist’s spine: Undercooked custard. MC has the self preservation skills of a wet sponge and whoever is playing this is supposed to get turned on by high concept ideas of S&M that are just written out so badly everything feels like an abusive relationship.

The Good: *sigh* The art. The art is very pretty (I'm upset at the art since it sucked me into the horror). Also, as a visual novel, this one is complex as all hell. There's a ton of endings  (most of them deadly) depending your actions as a player. It's vast, is what I'm saying. Also, I hear the clover route isn't as bad as some of the others, but I was too weirded out to try. The Bad: See rant. This is one of those games that really seems to glorify the whole possessive, abusive boyfriend shtick, but it's ok because he loves you, really. Ugh. Just… ugh. Best boy: Kent? I guess? He doesn't appear to be actively abusing MC at least.

 Shall we date: Lost Alice

I wondered if I should include this because I literally played like ten chapters  and then deleted it, but that in itself should give some indication.

Platform: Android (free to play, in-app premium purchases) Story: MC wakes up in the forest with amnesia (I see a trend). Turns out she's in Wonderland and everyone thinks she's Alice. Most of Wonderland's characters are, predictably, hot men. Squick  factor: Unavailable. I didn't play far enough to see but some of the men are quite pushy and also it's a Shall we date app, so… tread carefully. Protagonist’s spine: Cement. This is an MC that puts up a fight, which I respect. Sadly she does so in that 'needlessly aggressive' way that anime characters sometimes have. I didn't find her particularly sympathetic.

The Good: The art. It's always the art that gets me. The Bad: The UI annoyed the shit out of me. This is a free to play, pay for premiums game, so some level of mindless clicking is expected if you try to play for free. This one had just too much. There was friend greeting and picture rating and princess lessons and got knows what else, all taking a ton of time. Trying to get to the home page popped up at least four different 'now on sale' screens every single time. The writing wasn't good enough for me to deal with that. Best boy: Well there’s a cat. So.

 Decent games

Hustle cat

This game is set in a cat café, that was all the encouragement I needed to buy it.

Platform: PC (Steam) Story: MC is invited to take a job at a cat café. Turns out everyone in the café is cursed, and also they're into you. Squick factor: Almost non-existant. This is a very tumblr friendly game in the sense that your love interests are both male and female, and none of them are particularly pushy. The relationships feel pretty natural and mostly consist of MC helping their love interest with some subquest. Protagonist’s spine: Cucumber. MC is actually pretty cool. The game does that 'modern western game' thing where you get to pick a gender and a skin colour for your protag and the general atmosphere is 'tongue in cheek'. MC doesn't let people walk over them, but they're generally helpful.

The Good: CATS. The premise of this game is pretty neat. The Bad: According to Steam I played this five months ago, and I pretty much forgot about it. Fun game but not particularly memorable. Best cat: Landry. Tall, gentle giants are a particular weakness.

 Shall we date: Blood in Roses

This is me giving Shall we Date another shot, because the amount of hot mildly medieval boys was intriguing.

Platform: Android (free to play, in-app premiums) Story: There's two, because this app has been around for a while and now has two 'seasons'. The Witch stumbles upon a supposedly abandoned castle and gets imprisoned there by a bunch of vampires. The Hunter, meanwhile, seeks out the castle because she wants to stop an attack on her village. Both come to realize that the castle is now a hotel for monsters, and that its denizens are both not what they imagined, and also hot. Squick factor: Highly dependent on route. The Witch literally starts in a jail cell, so you can imagine the Stockholm Syndrome shit that goes down. Also, this is a personal preference, but I'm really weirded out by a lot of blood play stuff so most of the vampire routes are gonna be… problematic. Shall we Date games don't shy away from sex scenes and I like that, but coupling them with drinking blood 'to get in the mood' is a rather specific niche. The game does offer a number of other options for you to court, from werewolves to wizards and… grim reapers? It's a mixed batch. If you're not into pushed boundaries I can offer one tip: stay away from the vampires. Protagonist’s spine: Sand cookie. She has one, but it's brittle. I've mostly played Hunter routes and it's like… she tries, and she can take care of herself but she also tolerates more bullshit than necessary, ya know.

The Good: The art is good, and some of the storylines are intriguing despite my reservations. I'm still playing it (mostly in a quest to find a good ending where MC doesn't die to become a weird immortal creature).  The UI, while annoying, isn't as bad as Lost Alice's, or so it seems. The Bad: The writing is very hit or miss. There's routes where the guy just sort of lowkey stalks MC, until she suddenly decides she's incredibly in love with him. There's others  that make even less sense, and then there's ones that feel more natural. In general, MC's actions don't  seem to have a lot of thought put into them. Best boy: So far: Gordon. He's cute and sensible and tortured and not incredibly antagonistic.

 Midnight Cinderella

You'll notice a friggin ton of Cybird games on here.

Platform: Android (free to play, premium purchases) Story: MC gets, mostly by accident, chosen to be the Princess of Wysteria. As such she must prepare to govern the country when the king dies, and choose a consort from a number of suitors. Squick factor: Low. Not only are these men respectful of her, they're rather literally treating her like royalty. Having said that, there is a lot of the typical hurtful tsun stuff going in several routes. Protagonist’s spine: Lightly done steak. There's something weird going on with the protag in this game. When it comes to governing, she's tough as nails. She's thrown into a situation she wasn't ready for, and while this stresses her out 24/7, she performs admirably. On the other hand, her main reaction to literally anything when it comes to love is 'Oh'. She cries a lot, at times she feels like a wet rag. There's a bunch of situations she could have just solved by going 'Yeah I'm into you'. She's complex, I guess.

The Good: The writing, while melodramatic, is nice. The art is good as well. The Bad: This is an old game and it doesn't perform that well on my current-gen smartphone. Expect to push certain buttons several times before the game realizes what you're trying to do. Also the loading takes ages. Best boy: For me, Sid, because he reminds me of Aomine Daiki and I'm weak for that type of personality. As far as routes go, Leo's probably had the most impact on me.

 Destined to Love

I'll be honest, I started this because of an event in Ikemen Sengoku that would give me cross game storage. Don't judge me.

The Story: MC gets flung back in time (this is also a trend, it seems) to the 1800's, a few weeks before the Ikedaya incident will make the Shinsen-gumi a historic Legend. She meets, and chrams, a whole bunch of historical figures. Protagonist’s spine: Cured leather. As a modern woman sent back in time, MC is probably fairly sassy by the standards of the time, but she remains mostly polite. She's tough, considering the circumstances, but quite pliable in that 'we'll see where this goes and make the best of it' way. Squick factor: Low. There's one character that just screams 'red flag' but I have yet to try his route. Since this is a Cybird game, most of the guys are pretty respectful.

The Good: I really like the premise? As the title suggests, MC's love is part of a higher destiny, one that transcends time, and it's one of the reasons she has to go to friggin 1800's Japan. She has a hand in making history. This amuses me. Also, the guys are pretty good looking. The Bad: This is a fairly old mobile game and you can kinda tell. On a technical level it's not as bad as Midnight Cinderella, but again the touch buttons aren't always responsive. Besides that, some of the writing is rather clunkily translated and a bunch of the art is low res. Best Boy: I haven't played all the routes here, but Katsura is a god damn sweetheart, and Kyo and Yamazaki seem adorable AF.

 The weird: the special ones

Hatoful Boyfriend

The reason I know otome's exist. This one shot to meme status a few years back.

Platform: PC (it's on Steam) Story: MC is one of the last remaining humans after sentient birds took over the world. She gets enrolled into an elite school for pigeons. Squick factor: Medium to high. The major thing to understand about Hatoful is that on the surface it looks like a particularly silly dating sim with pigeons, but dig deeper and it is Also a full blown apocalyptic horror story. And it follows the genre where a wrong move gets MC horrifically killed. Having said that, several of the routes, including the god damn serial killer one, didn't bother me as much as something like Amnesia, because they were not sold as romantic. Maybe it's the whole pigeon thing, maybe it's the general weirdness of the plot, or maybe it is because said serial killer actually goes 'Surely you knew this would happen', before he guts you. Protagonist’s spine: Gummy bear. MC is highly forgettable, but therefore also like… not annoying. The main focus here is on uncovering the many layered plot and the player character doesn't really have a scripted personality, she just embodies the player's actions.

The Good: This whole game is so out there. There's a reason it became so popular. It's an Experience. The plot is over the top and intricate and Weird, and that makes it intriguing. There's a ton of routes and endings, some more secret than others. The 'human' version of some of these birds is kinda hot (sadly that includes the serial killer). The Bad: the plot is so weird and meandering that it's kinda hard to follow at times. I'm fairly certain it takes several guides to unlock all the endings. Best Birb: It's been a while, but I remember liking Yuuya's route quite a lot.

 Monster Prom

The new hype.

Platform: PC (Steam!) Story: MC is a student at Monster High, and is trying to get a date for Monster Prom with one of the hot people. Squick factor: None. I mean, nothing that happens here is in accordance to health and safety norms, but that's kinda the point. It's a parody game, making fun of all the hoops teenagers are willing to jump through to become popular. Protagonist's spine: Coagulated blood. MC is willing to make deals with demons, wear corpses as a hat, anything really. The question is very openly: what could I do to make them like me.

The Good: It's a funny game. I like the characters, who embody everything from the Mean Girl to the Hipster Nerd and the Needlessly Aggressive Jock. The art is simple, cartoon style, but pretty neat. The Bad: Everything is very tongue in cheek, which leaves it a little… light for my tastes. I don't feel like any of the routes matter in the grand scheme of things, MC hasn't truly touched anyone's heart. The whole thing is a joke game, so it's funny, but a bit shallow. Best monster: Polly, the permanently stoned party girl.

 Cute Demon Crashers

Technically a sex game? But a really very special one.

Platform: PC (free! Here!) Story: A portal opens in MC's house and four Incubi/Succubi drop through. To apologize for the inconvenience, while they wait for a portal back, they offer to teach MC about sex. Squick factor: I've written about this game before and the best thing, the very best thing about it is how incredibly consent-minded it is. Like, even if you're already in bed, getting it on, there's always an option to turn back and leave it at that. The demons are really just there to help MC find out what gives her pleasure. Protagonist’s spine: Rock. Obviously, MC is mildly upset about four random demons showing up. As mentioned before, what happens next is mostly up to the player.

The Good: It's free and the art is pretty and I love the premise. The Bad: Kinda short, but again: free. Cutest Demon Crasher: *cough* Orias *cough*

[imriya]

K Drama List Part 2

Bc I have no life I have watched a lot of drama’s so here’s part 2. Part 1 will be linked HERE . So here’s part 2 reviews and all 

1. Doctor Stranger

Rating: N/A 

I was recommended this really highly but honestly I couldn’t sit through past 2 episodes. I was so disappointed especially because I love Lee Jong Suk. I definitely won’t even try to watch this again. I really could not get into it at all. 

2. Kill Me Heal Me 

Rating: 9/10

I WAS HOOKED FROM THE FIRST EPISODE! I highkey fell in love with every single personality and I just can’t! I still talk about this drama all the time! It was so different from any other drama I’ve watched and the acting was absolutely brilliant! The way each personality is portrayed and how everything comes together in the end...If I had emotions I would have cried throughout but because I’m dead inside I only teared which is still a big deal considering how only 3 drama’s have made me cry so far 

3. Because This is My First Life 

Rating: 9/10

I literally just finished watching this like two seconds ago! IT WAS AMAZING! The side characters and their romance was just as well developed as the main! Soo Ji is a frickin badass and I love her so much! The female relationships as well as the male ones were just brilliant! There was no ‘villain’ in this one like there is in typical dramas which made me happy. This drama will have you crying, laughing and squealing! 

4. 49 Days 

Rating: N/A 

I’m really disappointed. I heard really good things about this drama but I could barely sit through 2 episodes. I was cringing the whole way through. I would really only continue this because of the traveller but right now I can’t. I watched one episode and stopped for two days, having to hype myself up for the second. 

5. The K2

Rating: 3/10

Maybe I’m just having really bad luck with drama’s but I couldn’t get through this either.  Dont get me wrong, Ji Chang Wook was brilliant and the storyline is interesting too but god damn that female lead is so frickin annoying. I was so bored and done with her by the third episode. I just had to stop halfway through

6. Page Turner 

Rating: 8.8/10 

So, I binged this in one sitting. I’m not usually one for mini drama’s but after reading some recommendations I saw this one pop up in like 80% of it. BEST DECISION I HAVE EVER MADE! It’s such a relatable and mature drama whiile also making you laugh and tugging on your heartstrings. If i had emotions I would be bawling! I honestly need like 2 days to just savour this before starting on any other drama. It’s amazing and so is the acting and the storyline I AM IN LOVE

7. Marriage Not Dating 

Rating: 6/10 

This started out really well and had some good development including all of the K Drama Tropes plus a shit load of slaps but kinda lost momentum half way through. It could have ended 3 episodes earlier but they kept dragging it on. I had my fair share of squealing and what not but then I got bored. 

8. Fated To Love You 

Rating: N/A 

Sigh... I really tried to stick it out with this one but I just couldn’t. The first two episodes were so cringy and everytime the dude laughed i seriously wanted to burst my eardrums. The female lead was really good but the storyline and the acting from the first male lead was just so bad I stopped halfway through episode 5. I heard the Taiwanese Drama was better than this one so watch the TDrama instead of this. 

9. Hwarang 

Rating: 7/10 

I’ll be honest, the only reason I started watching this was because of Kim Taehyung aka. V from BTS I know im a terrible human being BUT i stayed for the amazing bromance! I found myself looking forward to the bromance more than anything and anytime something bad happened to the guys I winced and almost teared up. The female lead for this started out really good but then got cliched and slightly annoying but no where near as annoying as the lead for K2 sooo yeah the bromance in this will never be beaten i swear

10. Oh My Ghost 

Rating: 6.5/10

It started off well and was incredibly interesting. I did put this off for a bit because i thought it would be scary and I’m honestly a wimp but save for one or two scenes the rest was alright and not scary at all. There is romance and mystery and comedy and one or two cringy scenes but other than that it was wow! The romance kinda overshadowed the mystery which for me was a little annoying but it was cute enough to let pass but it kinda goes at hyper-speed the last 3 episodes. 

11. I’m Not A Robot 

Rating: 8.9/10 

IF I HAD EMOTIONS I WOULD BE AN EMOTIONAL WRECK RIGHT ABOUT NOW! OH LORD THIS DRAMA! okay so the reason it didn’t get a 9 and above is because I was expecting a lot more from the Aji 3 closing story but everything else was absolutely brilliant! The acting, the cute, the sad, the angry, the oh lord i wanna punch something, the squealing was just amazing! I had such high expectations for this drama and IT MET EVERY SINGLE ONE! This definitely goes in my top 10 list i just wished they did a little more for the tying up of the Robot’s storyline

12. Just Between Lovers 

Rating: 9/10 

OH MY HEART! This drama just proves that I seriously don’t have a tear duct because if I did I would be a sobbing wreck on the floor by now oh my lord where do I start?! So this drama is basically about an accident and how a shopping mall collapsed and it builds up from there with some flashbacks but wow I am so ASGSFKSGKF it made me laugh and almost cry especially the last two episodes oh lord This is deffo in my top 10 

13. Cinderella and the Four Knights 

Rating: 3/10 

God, I really tried to stick this one out because I heard such good things about it but after the 5th episode i just couldn’t. It was so repetitive and boring and just plain. Everytime that OST played I wanted to bang my head in. It’s so mindless. 

14. Emergency Couple 

Rating: 5.5/10 

It started out reallllly bad and i mean like properly bad even Thumping Spike 2 had a better start but I stuck with it and it was a cute drama, funny as well but I think the angst was played out too much. 

15. Ask Us Anything/ Knowing Brothers

Rating: 9/10 

Okay I know im cheating since this isnt like a drama but ITS SO FUNNY! Honestly the best time pass thing to watch ever! Its basically these 7 guys in a classroom setting just taking the piss out of famous people who come on their show omg i love it! It’s a weekly thing and i think they’re on season 3 or 4 but seriously hilarious 

16. The Moon Embracing The Sun 

Rating: 8.8/10

First of all MY HEART! Second of all THE CASTING OH MY LORD THE CASTING IS SO ON POINT! If you read my KDrama Rec List 1 you would know that Moon Lovers basically ruined all of the period dramas for me and Hwarang was the first period drama I watched after that but THIS ONE OH MY LORD THIS ONE! THE KIDS WERE AMAZING AND BRILLIANT AND BASICALLY GOT ME ADDICTED TO THIS DRAMA and dare I say it, even more amazing than the adults! Also like Hyung Sun is the real MVP. My heart is both full and broken at the same time. There was tearing but no tears. 

17. Eulachacha Waikiki / Laughter in Waikiki 

Rating: 9.5/10 

THIS SKYROCKETS ALL THE WAY TO MY TOP 5! I was waiting for this to finish so I could watch it and I had high expectations - IT MET EVERY SINGLE ONE! It was hilarious and had me on the floor the whole time! It also had romance and sadness and kinda reminded me of Fight For My Way in the group of friends growing together part. I absolutely loved it and if I didn’t have responsibilities I would have literally finished this in two days! All I’m going to say is - #ProtectDuShik2k18 

18. Chicago Typewriter 

Rating: 5/10 

I was recommended this by literally every single K Drama Rec that I saw but I just couldn’t get into it. After 5 episodes I was still kinda meh about it and was just watching it for the sake of watching it. The storyline of past lives and lovers and the switching of timelines was interesting no doubt but perhaps it just wasn’t for me.

19. Problematic Men 

Rating: 8/10 

Again, I know Im cheating ‘cause it’s not exactly a drama but more so a variety show but omg it’s so good! I started it because of Namjoon but I stayed for the rest of them! It’s basically these men who are really smart and they try to solve problems and puzzles and test their IQ, which i know sounds really boring but trust me it’s anything but! It’s hilarious and really challenging and like i was so determined to solve it myself as well. The first episode is really meh but i promise it gets so much better! 

20. Great Seducer 

Rating: 6/10 

I’m not going to lie, this started out so well! I absolutely loved the concepts and the characters and the character building but after episode 22 it just got SO REPETITVE and i was so bored. I just watched for the sake of watching and had to hype myself up for the next episodes. Soo Ji and Se Joo are an amazing side cast, way better than the leads if you ask me but it was an alright drama overall. It just wouldn’t be off the top of my head reccomendation if someone asked me what to watch 

21. The Liar and His Lover 

Rating: 3/10 

I think my bad luck streak with KDrama’s has started again. I got 4 episodes in and was already so damn annoyed. The female lead was crying for a good 90% of the whole drama. The male lead was whining and I wanted to punch the both of them. The OST and Chan Young was the only saving grace of this drama, well them and Crude Play. Those people are cuuuute. There kind of is a second lead syndrome but it’s not that bad.

22. The Universe’s Star 

Rating: 6/10 

I was recommended this by a friend who said it gave off Goblin vibes. It was cute but really cringy. Basically its about this fangirl who died and is now a grim reaper who is ‘protecting’ her favourite idol. The acting was amazing but... the lines were just cringy. 

[kaotikreviews]

WEBTOONs Time

Since I’ve found the platform, I’ve been nothing but OBSESSED. I’ve read a lot of different webtoons by now, and caught up with several. The highlight of each day has become 9pm when the newest batch of webtoons come out. 👌🏼

Today, I read the new episodes for my subscribed comics. Here are my thoughts (WARNING - may contain spoilers):

At Arms Length, by Zushi - Chapter 9.2, Trapped: I recently found this series and binged all the previous episodes, so the story still feels fresh in my memory. This comic is unique because it tells you up front the two characters that end up together and let’s you know they are healthy and happy later on. The author uses a pretty slow story progression towards that end and focuses on emotions and mental health in each episode. Since the comic is more about processing thoughts and feelings, the pace of real world events is much slower. Even so, the epis feel a bit too short (but the art is amazing, so I get it). Full disclosure, it looks like this series can get a bit raunchy at times. 👀 I was a bit torn about this comic because of my own morals and world views (I really want to say the main characters need Jesus AND all the healthy things they are doing👌🏼), but a lot of the episodes about depression really resonated with me since that’s something I’ve struggled with for literally my whole life. Long story short, I’m hooked, so 💁🏻‍♀️. Today’s epi is more of the female lead’s back story and her previous relationship. I guess it was good. I’ve literally never been in a romantic relationship, so can’t relate to the situation directly, but it’s just one of the many reasons why I wanna be forever alone. 😳 I think I always refresh like a lunatic hoping for one more episode at the end, but today’s episode did feel pretty short. Then again, every time I catch up on a webtoon, the episodes that come out after that always feel short anyway. 😂

WEBTOON GREENLiGHT - Escape from Oz: tbh, I’m not the biggest fan of the art style and the surreal take on the storyline threw me for a loop at first, but also, super hooked ngl. 😏 I love a good sci-fi. I mean, we are in the world of fantasy and fiction and break real world rules CONSTANTLY, so why not just lean in and go crazy with it? 😌 I bet you guessed, but 3rd epi definitely got a fancy 🤍 from me and now I’m hoping for it to get green lit so I can find out what happens next! 👀

My Magical Maid - Ep 9: another recent find, it only took me a couple minutes to catch up and be wanting more. 🤩 As mentioned before, fiction/sci-fi is my jam. I can get weird about witchy story lines if they wanna be really like creepy and demonic and offensive to my beliefs and world views, but if it’s balanced enough, its nbd to me. I like the series because I like stories with people with powers. How fun would it be to have super powers? It’s fun to imagine, so I love seeing other people’s takes on a day in the life of a super. Our super (a witch in this particular story world), is a maid/personal secretary type person/doctor/friend of the ruler of the land. The relationships and interactions feel very modern, but the setting is like, fairy tale times. Like, our girl is supposed to be a maid, but she’s on peer terms with the king and can speak her mind openly. It’s different, so I like it. Very interesting dynamics, I can’t wait to find out more about their back stories. Today, they closed up a story arch that threatened our otp but now.. does that make our main dude an even badder guy? lol 🧐 I mean, second lead just made main dude look kinda awful in comparison. And I never get second lead syndrome, so this is a bit of a strange perspective for me. (I don’t get second lead syndrome because the otp has a pull to it. Good relationships take time, but also chemistry.) I’m not opposed to a bad boy redemption story, so super excited to see this all play out and glad the triangle is going away. 😅 I have no idea what this gif is from, but it looks cool so ~

Lost in Translation - Ep 18: I mean, is every comic coming out this year gonna be bout stalkers?! 👀 Today’s epi was wyld (haha, pun). After reading the beginning of #killstagram and starting up It’s Mine, this plot twist is starting to feel super familiar. There’s been a stalker story arch in several other comics in my deck as well. Can’t say I’m a big fan, tbh. I hate the fact that things like that really happen, and the fact that it could happen to me or someone I care about. I’m terrible for this, but I prefer not to think about the grittier and scarier side of humanity too much. Of course, I said “too much”. A little here and there isn’t so bad, and so overall, I’m still pretty hooked on this comic. Hopefully things start to improve for our MC soon, and I’m so glad he’s getting some support from his friend.

I Love Yoo - Ep 127: bout time we got back to the sister arch! 😂 I binged this to catch up a while ago now, and so the story is starting to fade a bit. It still blows my mind how far we’ve come in the story and yet how little progress we’ve made. I mean, the family dynamic hasn’t been sorted yet, and I’m missing the friend dude, the one with red hair (I think?) yeah, it’s been so long I am forgetting his name already! 😅 I normally am super against any form of “stealing” people in relationships, but when the relationships are super toxic and bad, I sometimes find myself shipping the better relationship. (Jim and Pam from the office for example.) Truth be told, the main girl and the red head are my favorite ship, and I hope it’s the otp. All the other dudes in her life just don’t compare to the tension, chemistry, and mutual respect those two have. They bring out the best in each other and redhead really needs some help just like our MC did in the beginning. I hope she reaches out to him more (and that he ends that shell of a ship he is currently in.)

Choco Latte - Ep 38: another recent find. It’s a silent comic, which is kinda brilliant. Sometimes I read ahead on my favorite comics on Naver in the original language, but since I only really know English, it’s a very similar experience to this comic. You rely more on the expressions and context to understand the situations and how the story is progressing. I like it. I also liked how wholesome all the characters are. There isn’t a lot of nastiness between people so far and I hope that continues. It’s refreshing given the world we live in and most of the comic I read, tbh. Recent epis (including today’s) have me a bit worried tho. I hope they ain’t breaking main ship 😬 or creating a rift that would destroy the innocence and optimistic world view of our MCs. I’m a pretty gritty, glass half empty type of person a lot of times, and I call it being a realist. Fact is, life is often cruel. But in story world, it doesn’t have to be. I hope the author preserves the sweetness of this comic, but even if not, I’m down for the ride. (Unless they break up the otp, then I may quit for real.)

Not Even Bones - so I haven’t been reading this on webtoons for a while. I found out there was a book, and when it hit a cliffhanger, I scoured the internet until I found it online for free. I finished the book in a very short period of time and then the sequel. There’s still another one out that I want to read, but I needed a break. Not sure where the webtoons version is at, but I mean, this story gets DARK. Wondering how I reconcile this with all my aforementioned morals? I don’t. I believe all humans are kinda terrible, which is why I believe we need saving from ourselves and each other. I don’t believe all the stories with hopeful endings and super hero’s and saviors are just from our wishful thinking, I believe that a part of our souls is wired to respond and reach for our creator, who is actively speaking and reaching for us. Since we’ve been effectively “kidnapped” and trapped in a broken world system, it’s like we are birds that were born in cages. It’s in our nature to do certain things that just don’t make sense for our current environment but makes total sense for the environment we were created for. I believe it’s in our nature to search for something that’s missing and to fill that void with whatever and whoever we can find - many people think it’s just the way things are and don’t think about why, or they become contented with the void inside. No matter what we try to use to fill that emptiness inside, it’s never enough. Well, not until we connect to our creator and escape from “captivity”. I’ve been a Christ follower my whole life and even so, it ain’t easy. I have mad depression and I’m not necessarily a “good” person. But I’d probably be dead if I didn’t have Jesus in my life, and that’s after doing all the self help I could. No matter what I did, it wasn’t enough until I experienced hope and love for the first time in a spiritual experience. 👌🏼 I mean, if humans are terrible, and we all are constantly trying to self destruct, who can truly help us but God? People can’t be the cure for other people, and as much as self help stuff, well, helps - it isn’t a cure either. Self help can be like relying on a flaky and unstable individual to save your life - eek! 😂

For the record, my goal isn’t to stuff my beliefs down people’s throats, just sharing my thoughts. If you find it offensive, then please skip on by or think of it as a nice story (but for me, it’s as real as breathing, so I can’t help but talk about it. 👌🏼)

Anyone else reading these comics? What are your thoughts? Are there other comics that you recommend? Are there any that you fast passed on? I was super tempted to fast pass a few, but I hate having to wait longer for a new update. 😂

Today’s top song (thanks for sending it to me, sis! 💯):

[the-mind-of-ginger-blog]

Okay, so I haven't written anything in a few days and the couple of last days I did write I didn't put on Tumblr so…Here they are!

I am distraught. That's not quite right, but I don't think jsdlkfjdslkdfhsdlkjagf;hsdjkfjsdjfhsdklfhsdjfhjsd is a word. Even that set of letters and a semi colon is correct. At this moment in time I feel broken. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, but it just kinda is. I cried last night. I have only cried within the last five years or so because of my fathers death. Otherwise, I don't cry. Why did I cry? I cried because I have been trying so hard to control myself. To keep my broken soul in check. I …I can barely think coherently no less type. I didn't go to work today. I would have done something really stupid if I had. I feel…it's not like I feel like hell. It's not even that I feel like death. If I didn't feel so terrible, I'd almost say I feel alive. But I am broken. My soul is broken and it has been broken for quite some time. I've tried to hide it. Tried to make myself forget about it, but my constant need to improve myself seeped in and shattered whatever semblance of control I had over it.

I don't know what to do now. I'd say maybe I should start over, but it's a bit late for that. My dad is dead. My mother is not exactly at her best. I try to feel something, anything, for the people and things around me, but I'm afraid I can't. It feels like my life has just been one giant lie. A lie I probably perpetuated, but a lie none the less. I see why  I put mental block loops in my mind. It really was worse than anything right now.

I'm a fool. I had to start typing things out. I had to start trying to improve myself yet again. Why can't I just sit back and play video games, watch tv, and laugh at stupid things.

Talking about my empatheticness didn't help. I'm on the verge of tears at my own frustration in not being able to help or do anything.

Let me tell you a story. When I was around five years old, I created a world. It was a simple thing. There was myself, my girl, my guy, and two villains. We fought and we always won. Through the years, I started changing a few things. The specific villains left, but I added new people. People who mean more to me than anything else in existence. I created Catherine. She was the first and technically only woman for me. She was kind, strong, soft, beautiful, sassy, loving, and I could go on and on. She was everything I wanted out of a partner. From her morphed Samantha. I don’t remember why I wanted two woman. I'll toss it up to youthful longing. Technically, Samantha is a part of Catherine. Samantha took the sassy, charge ahead aspects of Catherine. Catherine became a bit more subdued. So I never really though of them as two different people. It sounds weird, I know, but it is what it is. The man who I first created was Simon. I hadn't ever named him until much later, but that name stuck. He was…how do I put this…I love him. I love him with a similar intensity that I love Catherine. The difference is that I am straight and never considered it sexual. I created more people over time. Patrick, who is something of an amoral doctor type, but who I loved just as deeply as Simon. Funny thing, Samantha is actually Patrick's sister. Next was Katelina. She is one of the most devious people you will never meet. She and Patrick get along wonderfully. Olivia would be next and she is a calm, cool, collected person. She also knows how to blow things up. She's fun that way. Last, but certainly not least: Fred. You might be thinking: "Fred? Why Fred?". Funny story: I remember giving him a more french sounding name, but I forgot it for some reason or another I went with Fred because I know that's not his real name. Fred's an assassin you see. Nobody get's to know his name.

So, instead of ever using my emotions in real life where people would scoff, hurt, and pretty much try to destroy me: I created my own world. I didn't live in this world like some people do. My emotions, my soul lived in this world. Over time, however, I needed to do more in the real world. The old world fell by the wayside. Now you might assume that when I say my soul is broken I mean that I have forgotten my world. Nothing could be farther from the truth. My soul feels broken because I always imagined the world around a certain age. That age, is now passed. You will probably think it pathetic that I'm like this, but I don't think you comprehend it. My world was/ is everything to me. My heart and soul belong to it. Every hope and dream I had belonged in it's confines. And now that time has passed, I have nothing. My world is a lie. A lie of my own making. Everything I ever wanted is a lie. I have been lying to myself for twenty some odd years. What could you possibly know about my suffering?

It's not like I'm entirely pathetic in this world. I'm one of the smartest people on this planet, I am damn good looking, I have not done nothing. But I haven't done what I want. Nothing has happened that I need. I suppose I will continue living, but it is a hollow life. I've tried my hardest not to believe it, but writing things out here just reinforces it. Nothing I do in this life will compare even in the slightest with my own world.

It's not like everything was perfect in my world. I experienced such loss, such love, such life that will never appear for me in this world. I don't think anything I say will convince anyone of this. You really would have to be me.

So now I am here. Typing out my greatest failure as a person. I'm trying to bring my soul together. All it is is a bunch of loose bits strung together in some fashion. I guess I know now why it's been hard to "feel" the way others seem to. I put most of my feelings in my world. Except anger. And some sadness.

I want to do more. I want to be greater, but everytime I think of it all I can see is my world. How nothing in this life is going to compare. I feel so stupid. I hate myself so much. Why did I have to be this way? I've always felt like something was wrong. I just didn't realize it was my own stupidity. I'm not entirely sure I can get past this. Even with all my self-confidence and self-esteem, it pales in comparison with what I believe I should be. What my life should be. I know I'm the best, but only in this world. I'm nowhere near what I could be and I hate that. It's like being able to see your future self, but knowing that you will never reach that self because of a choice you made long ago.

I would say I feel empty, but I think I'd be able to sleep if I felt empty. I'm not even sure I could call this depression. This doesn't feel like my normal depression. Hell, I even took my meds this morning and they sure as hell haven't helped much. Maybe I should try to sleep. Piece together what little I can of my soul and sleep. I'm scared to. I almost don't want to piece it back together. It would just be piecing a lie back together. What else am I supposed to do? I don't feel like dying and I don't feel like living. All I want is to escape into my world and never return. Hell, even if I could do that I don't think it would help. It would still be a lie and I hate lying. I hate lying to myself more than just about anything.

Well…I think I'll try to sleep. It's the only thing I can do. Maybe I can do…something with it…I don't know…Maybe god will actually help this time…probably not…

-

Sleep didn't really help. I don't know what to do. If I could love, if I could feel what I want to feel then maybe…I don't know how to explain it.

I sound so pathetic. It's making cringe to even write this. Asldkfjasl;kdfj. That's jfaslkdjf. Alsjalkdfjksahdkghskdghjsdhgoiejroihwritjrjghfdxlkfhfsldjgjh sfdlkg shokfdsjlagh hjoadfskkvgzfdshjvsadlfzgsjhljk. That's how I feel about it. Heh, ain't life a bitch. I should probably eat something. I only had a couple of mandarin oranges this morning and it's already afternoon. Of course, that means I might have to speak words or talk to another human. I don't know if I can handle that right now. I should get food.

-

Alrighty then. I've eaten, I've spoken to another human being, and I'm feeling marginally better. I came to the realization that I'm probably suffering from brain rearrangement syndrome (not a real thing). My brain is rearranging itself for some unknown reason and I'm only along for the ride. Oh god I feel terrible. That doesn't really express what I feel, but that's the best I've got right now. I think that I might play some games to try to distract myself. Or, worse yet, listen to music and read fanfics. That is a terrible idea, but I am gravitating towards it.

-

I think I'm slowly getting a little better. I think I'm still going to ask off work for the next week or so. My body, soul, and heart need it. I wanted to feel things? Well here you go! Good luck! Someone should kick me…

-

Okay. I'm feeling even…better? I'm not sure how to put it. I've realized I haven't posted any of these to Tumblr. I might do that bits at a time. I need a girlfriend. I also need a wife, but I suppose girlfriend should be first. The problem though, is that I am extremely picky and all the girls I have been interested in I find out later they are really not my type. I need someone on my level. When I consider myself top 1% or top .1% of people on this planet, my options are limited. Especially where I am situated. I live in an international city, but I wouldn't say that the people who live here are my type. Not really. Every time I've lowered my parameters, nothing good happens. I really should be extremely hard on myself and whoever I want to pick. They will need to like me of course, but I think that shouldn't be a problem.

It's funny, though. I'm (stupidly) reading these fanfics (though I am trying really, really hard to stop) and I've forgotten how much smut might be in them. Also the teenage love angst that I never really dealt with because I never met anyone I really liked when I was a teenager. Of course, the angst is through the memories of people in there twenties so more likely than not the angst is more 18-25 love angst than 14-17.

I desperately want to flirt with someone. I don't mean flirt without expecting. I mean flirt knowing they are turned on by it and also want you. Oh god…I think I should stop writing. My mind (I'm not calling this anxiety dammit!) is going crazy again. I don't know whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. Thank god I'm going to sleep soonish. I need my brain to work again. This isn't working. I need god to grant me some powers or something and direct me to a place I will find all that I need. It's not like I'm not trying! It's that it's really damn hard…