#do you want me to pull out the 2009 tweets.

[dolokhoded]

sorry but dan howell SPECIFICALLY might be the only person on the planet who has absolutely no right calling tumblr out for being the freak website. we've all seen your old posts daniel and we're being very nice not bringing it up.

[sun-snatcher]

Wish. If u give me a Part 2 of your Gambit fic with ❛ we'll just have to make do.  ❜ where they both make it out of the Void together I will kiss u on the mouth rn I PROMISE u. Or a hug. Whichever works. PLS I JUST NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO THEM🙏🏼😫

♧ ⎯ ‘LIMBO LOSERS’ CLUB

summ. The TVA extends an olive branch. Wade’s Universe becomes home. Above all, you’re just thankful you’re not alone in this Multiversal mess. pairing. Void!Gambit x f!Anomaly!reader (established in #WELUCKYFEW) w.count. 1.6k a/n. Shirtless Channing + romantic hand tension. That's it. That's the tweet. ( Continuation of this imagine! )

YOU SURVIVE ALIOTH.

That’s the first surprise.

The second? 

The Time Variance Authority want to help, now. 

( Granted, it’d mostly been Wade who did the gruntwork of sending Elektra and Blade back to their Universes, but he had hit a wall when it came to you and Gambit considering you two were— according to him: “A coked up version of being homeless. Universe-less.” )

So here you are, a stray of the Multiverse, standing on the platform of a mid-century aestheticised monitor room somewhere outside the constraints of time, trying not to double over from the vertiginous aftermath of being thrown through Wade’s weird orange warbling door of space. 

TemPad, he’d called the device. Or… something. You’re half-sure you have a concussion, to be honest.

Alioth had done a number on you. 

Remy’s concerned.

“Here’s what I don’t understand,” Wade says, mask rolled up to his nose. (There’s a spoon and plate of key lime pie in his hands. You’re not even sure where he got it from.) “Where did Gambit come from? How come he just spawned into the MCU’s metaphysical Backrooms?”

“Candidly, he is a unique case.” 

Remy pulls his gaze from you to Hunter B-15.

“You, Mr. LeBeau, are the prime example of a Variant that’s borne from a timeline decaying just as quickly as it was formed. A rare type that fades instantly without unnatural interference, because an Anchor failed to develop.”

One of the CRT screens zip to a retro rubber-hose animated diagram: rapidly branching roots, ominous red flashing, and then an immediate blink into nothing. Talk about dramatic effect.

“Your Universe falls in the rare category of those that never managed to come into fruition; but sometimes— incredibly rarely— remnants just like you manage to slip through, and instead of ceasing to exist… Well, you automatically end up getting spit into the Void.”

A pause.

Then, from behind, Wade bursts into a cackle.

“Ha! Wow, she basically called you a discontinued fucking nobody,” he wheezes. “You’re quite literally the equivalent of a failed movie pitch that’s been forgotten on the floor of Feige’s writers’ room.”

Screens flicker. 

Your breath hitches. 

Versions of different Gambit’s play out in the monitor-wall, all alike and yet different in their individual realities. Some have black eyes. Some have top-hats (“Ah, that’s 2009 Origins,” Wade muses. “Do all Variants of you just have a beautiful face? I mean, it’s kinda unfair—”). 

Some look like identical copies.

[EARTH-TRN2922].

It’s… your timeline. 

Your friends in the Mutant war. Your Remy whose cards are scattered on the floor, blood in his hands, with you crumbling as you reach ou—

The Nine of Hearts in your pocket is impossibly heavy. You turn away to steel yourself. 

( “Yeah, okay, enough lore recap. Jesus, you guys are more of a dick than I am; Read the room and turn that shit off,” Wade chides a passing agent. He gets it. He’d lost Vanessa once, too, and he’s not quite sure even he can relive that pain. )

“Mais non, y’not makin’ no sense t’me,” Remy says, confused, “I’ve got memories; means I’ve got history jus’ like my Variants. How y’gon’ explain that?”

“Gaps of memories you have— knowledge of places, people, events— that comes from fixed synchronicities shared in your Temporal Aura across all your Multiversal Variants.” 

She’s met with slow, owlish blinks. Wade waves his hand in lazy dismissal.

“Forgive them. They didn’t watch Loki Season One or Two. Not that it matters, anyway. People barely understood what was going on.”

A sigh. “There’s no way to put this gently, Mr LeBeau,” B-15 concludes, tone dipping into something sympathetic. “But what I’m trying to say is that: you don’t have a Universe to go back to, because it never existed.”

She purses her lips as she catches his torn gaze. “I’m sorry.”

And that— That pisses you off.

“I’m… sorry?” you parrot, stepping forward. “That’s all you can say after everything that’s happened to us? His existence began with the Void, and my Universe was pruned by your agents. Innocent lives gone because your people decided they wanted to play God once upon a damn time—!” 

“Pump the hate breaks, you stray,” Wade calls. "Why'd you think I brought the both of you here?"

You reluctantly withdraw.

“I can’t bring you home,” B-15 supplies, matter-of-fact. “But I can find a compatible timeline for you. For both of you. A safe do-over, if you will.”

Wade’s smile is coy.

The ‘Merc with a mouth’ has a home surprisingly… cozy.

Albeit a little tumbledown and messy with its wallpaper-torn brick walls and creaking hardwood floors— but, it’s charming. Lived in. He has a life here in this rickety two-bedroom apartment; framed photographs of friends and snatches of livelihood sit across dressers and are pasted against his magnet-crowded refrigerator.

Reminds you abit of your home, too.

“Listen,” chirps Wade’s voice, somewhere down the short hall to his room. “My advice? Save yourself the identity crisis and brain aneurysm. All this multiversal horse-crap was created just so that Marvel can write themselves out of any corner. Just sit there and be sexy for the readers, okay, Magic Mike?”

You’re halfway towards them when the doorbell rings. 

“Ooh! That must be the pizza I ordered. Or Blind Al. Or Logan.” Wade pops out to sidle past you with a wink and a whispered: “Who knows, really? This is just the part of the story where I conveniently disappear so you and Cajun Tatum here can share a moment.”

You don’t quite understand— but you’ve learned to not bother attempting when it comes to him.

Your knock is soft against the doorframe. 

“Hey.”

Beside a lone corner of the bed, Remy turns to look over his shoulder. 

He’s fresh out the shower— faded towel tied around his waist, brown hair still damp and dripping water down his bare chest. His old clothes have been draped over a desk chair. 

You try not to stare, but—

But. 

He’s handsome. Devilishly so, with the bruises sweeping across the flex of all his stupidly lean, corded muscles.

You always had a thing for roguish-looking men.

“Hi,” he says, knowingly. ( It’s a dulcet croon, if anything. Cheeky bastard. ) “Y’okay? Got y’self cleaned up.”

Remy watches you gather yourself with a quick clear of your throat, pull at the sleeves of the scratchy hoodie you’re now wearing that’s practically swallowing you whole. 

You look rested. At ease. 

…Pretty.

“Yeah. Showered. We don’t smell like ass anymore, that’s for sure,” you say, making a face.

And then you’re nodding over to the black-and-blue contusions blooming over his skin. “You know, I’m sure there’s something frozen in the icebox for that.”

“Icebox?” 

You smile. “Yeah, that’s what you guys call it in Louisiana, right?”

“That we do, chèr,” he laughs. But it’s ducked down, quiet. Thin. “ ‘Least, I think so.”

You follow his downcast eyes to a small stack of folders— TVA files he easily thieved (unsurprisingly) from under their noses the moment he stepped foot into the room. 

He’d skimmed the manila dossiers: Absolute Points. Anchor Beings. Variant Anomalies. Some names he’d recognised and some he didn’t, most stamped or blacklisted. 

Pietro Maximoff. Edward Brock. Loki Laufeyson. 

Remy LeBeau.

Some part of you crumples. It’s one thing to not be able to return to a Universe, and another to not have even had one. 

“S’funny,” he chuckles dryly, picking his casefile up with a distant look, “My memories… I thought I’d done gon’ left a whole life behind me the entire time I been stuck in the Void— Friends. Family. An’ turns out the Void’s all I had.”

“Feels like…” he shrugs. Tries to piece his unmoored thoughts into something more cohesive. He’s never felt so horrifically adrift his entire life— whatever ‘entire life’ could mean for him now, anyway— not even when he'd been marooned in the barren wastelands of the Void.

 “Feels like I ain’t real. Hell, I don’t know what is real, anymore, chèr. I don’t— I just don’t know. I don't know anythin'."

You shake your head in disagreement nigh instantly. 

“No, no.” Pushing off the doorway, you cross the threshold with gentle admonishment lanced over your features. “You’re here. You are real.” 

The room is small. The distance you share is… close. Just enough that you catch the scent of peppermint toothpaste and coconut shampoo; Just enough that you can slide the documents out of his hands.

His fingers brush against yours. 

He wonders if you’d felt the kinetic trill of energy run through him at the contact.

“Can I be honest, Remy?”

You look up at him. 

“Mais oui, chèr. Y’can always be honest wit’ Gambit.”

You wave your hand at the TVA files. “I’m scared as shit being in a new Universe,” you blurt, truthfully. “This second chance means… a new life. New path. New everything. I don’t know what that’s like either and frankly, I am not prepared for this at all.”

You pause for a breath. “But for what it’s worth? I’m glad that you’re here. That’s… That’s about the only thing that I know.”

Then, as if dwarfed by the sheer vulnerability in your words, you take an awkward step back as you shrug. “And if you don’t feel the same, well. You and I, we’ll just have to make do, regardless.”

The sudden retreat is painfully endearing. Has him letting out a bright laugh that warms something nestled deep in your ribs.

“I’m glad I got you too, chèr,” he grins. 

“Yeah?” You flash a smile, having found your way back to the door.

Remy’s eyes fall to your face— tarrying. He follows the flutter of your lashes, the slope of your cheek, the curl of your lips. 

“…Yeah.”

Your idling, fond gaze sears him like a low-grade fever. 

The thrum buzzes in hands, again.

Your Gambit really was blind, he thinks, just as you slip away and disappear around the corner.

His palm flexes open, and shut.

[blorbocedes]

Okay wait I have just been informed that apparently you can't use emojis in tumblr asks? So I think my second ask about jensons book probably didn't work yesterday :(

(If you did get it and just ignored it ... sorry for being annoying lmao)

Don't have the book with me anymore but here are shorter versions of the quotes that I sent to my friends (which are about the several tweets lewis made in his mclaren time with jenson):

- "And I'll let you into a secret, the telemetry he posted was from the Simulator, not our actual racing telemetry, although apparently he didn't realise that. Double oops."

- "Needed to be on twitter a bit less if you'd asked me." (as a response to lewis "apology" tweet)

- "That's the truth of it. There was nobody out to get him at McLaren; he was adored by the fans and racing fraternity alike. His speed and skill alone made sure of that. But, seemingly, he could never get it out of his head that he was being marginalised."

Note: He also said that he didn't really care about the tweets except the data bc "you just don't do that" and that there was "no harm done" except for the fact that the public now obviously knew that they weren't close, but as I said can't quote those in full rn

And two extra quotes including nico:

- "And much more healthy than the one he had with Felipe and later with Nico Rosberg (I never lobbed a hat at his head for one thing) - but there wasn't a great deal of banter" (Talking about his rivalry with lewis)

- "Keke had his son Nico with him, who's five gears younger than me but was acting even younger that day. He was pulling at his dad's arm as we were talking, trying to pull him away. I remember looking down at him, silently cursing him for messing up my introduction to Keke, thinking 'God just leave us alone'" (aka jenson meeting nico and already thinking he's a brat when he just wants his dad's attention ... much to think about)

NOT LEWIS POSTING THE WRONG TELEMETRY TOO ☠️☠️☠️ that is so funny.... my man was MALDING

I mean how do you react to your teammate mad you unfollowed him on Twitter (you didn't) and then he posts your data 😭 2009 Lewis the man you were..... thank you once again for sharing I find this incredibly amusing. I think lewis is sensitive so the amount of fans and love at mclaren felt less compared to if he thought the team was preferring jenson over him, but then ofc jense is writing this as a lily white dude and probably the microaggressions flew over his head. the only time he was a "fun" rival was when he was crushing seb. interesting stuff!

and ahhaha baby nico clinging to his dad 🥹

[sirtommyholland]

Four Years of Birthdays

A/N: Hey everyone! This isn’t my first time writing for Harry but my first time actually posting it so I’m very excited! This is inspired by the little piece I wrote on Tom Holland’s birthday, I wanted to make a similar concept. Hope you guys like it, and happy birthday to our beloved baby boy Harry Styles! We love you so much!💜

Word Count: 2.4k (she tiny because I suck)

Summary: Harry’s four different birthdays with Y/N in differents points of his life. 

Fluff all the way! with like a little talk about sexual themes because I had to.

poc friendly and plus size friendly (I think, please tell me if I made a mistake!) because we dont blush bright red or swim in men’s clothes in this house💫

2019 - 25th Birthday

Spending his birthday with Y/N was one of Harry’s favourite things. Over the last ten years of his life, she had missed quite a few of them as he was on the road and she was back home in London, going to uni and living a normal life. It was only the last couple of years that he was able to be home on his birthday, his solo career allowing him a bit more freedom to arrange his schedule as he wanted. 

This year, he had wanted to have a quiet birthday, just with his family and close friends. And of course, his girlfriend, who was currently climbing on his back on the bed, trying to coax him out of sleep. 

“Loviee” she whined into the back of his neck between kisses. “Wake up.”

“No.” his voice was deeper than usual as he groaned, trying to bury himself more into the pillows to avoid the bright sunlight in the room. “‘M sleepy.”

“But it’s your birthday.” she protested with a kiss to a small part of his cheek that wasn’t hidden away. “I need to give you your 25 kisses.”

“Just 25?” he frowned, raising his head from the pillow to look back at her. “That’s nowhere near enough! You kiss me more on a regular day.”

“Hmm..” she pretended to ponder his words, one of her hands going up to brush away the soft curls that fell on his forehead. “Then how about I give you a blowie for 25 minutes?”

Even if she couldn’t see his face, she would still be able to hear the grin in his voice. “Now that’s more like it.” He was turning over and laying on his back in a heartbeat, tugging at her thighs to make her straddle him again. 

She complied, throwing one leg over his hips and gently sitting on thighs, not putting her full weight. She leaned down to softly brush her lips against his, once, twice, three times. “Happy birthday, baby.”  she sighed against them, rubbing her nose against his lovingly. 

“Thank you, angel.” he smiled, letting his hands roam over the soft material of her shirt. “I reckon it’s gonna be the best one so far.” 

“Really? Is there a reason why?” she grinned, feeling like she already knew the answer.

“Because this is the first one I’m waking up with you as my girlfriend. Finally,” he sighed. “I can kiss you for real instead of making a wish for it when I blow out the candles.”

“You’re so cheesy.” she teased with a smile, leaning down to give him another kiss. “I still can't believe you wished for it.”

“Literally every year.” he confirmed, only blushing slightly under her loving gaze. “Honestly don’t know what I’m gonna wish for this time. It’s been the same thing for many years.” 

“I’m sure you’ll come up with something.” She placed a final peck to his lips, then swiftly got up from his lap. “Now get up, your mum’s expecting us for breakfast.”

“But- but- my blowie!” 

She looked back to see an adorable pout on his lips, one that she almost couldn’t resist. Almost.

“Later.” she promised, pulling him to his feet and laying a few kisses on his neck. “I’m gonna take care of you properly tonight, after your party. Along with your final present.”

“You’re a tease.” he breathed, the meaning behind her words not so hidden. She grinned, and trailed her hand softly down his back until she was grabbing his bum, giving it a firm squeeze. 

“Heyy!” he jumped, trying to grab her before she made a run for the bathroom, and failing.

“Pick your outfit, it takes ages!” she yelled through the closed door, making him huff and fall back on the bed dramatically. 

“Harry Edward Styles!” Well, guess she knew him too well.

“Yes, ma’am!”

2009 - 15th birthday

“Hello.”

Harry raised his head from the plastic cup he was refilling, to see a familiar girl looking at him with a friendly smile. 

“Hi.” he smiled back as he straightened up, silently giving her the cue to go on. 

“Sorry to bother you. I just wanted to say that I really liked your performance. You guys were incredible!” 

“Oh, thank you! Of course you’re not bothering me. I’m glad to know you liked it.” He grinned. “We’re at the same school, right? I’ve seen you around before.”

“Yeah, but we’ve never actually talked, I think. I’m Y/N, by the way. Will invited me because I live next door.” she explained, nodding towards his bandmate that was currently hosting his birthday party/small concert in his garage. 

“You don’t need to explain yourself! Next time, I’ll just have to make sure that I invite you myself.”

She grinned at his words. “That’s very nice of you, Harry. Oh, and happy birthday, by the way! I almost forgot.” Right, she was at his birthday party. She already knew his name. 

“Thank you! And thanks for coming.” 

Before she could open her mouth to say anything else, the lights were dimmed and the back entrance of the garage was illuminated with a soft, orange light as his friends brought in the cake. Off-key voices singing him happy birthday filled the space, and he made his way to his friends with a huge smile on his face, Y/N joining the small crowd around him as they waited for him to blow out the candles.

“Don’t forget to make a wish!” one of his mates yelled just as he was leaning towards the cake. 

“Sorry.” he chuckled, then closed his eyes to make his wish. I want to make music. For all my life.

Little did he know, that would be his only wish in the next ten years that didn’t involve the girl that he had just met. 

2016 - 22th birthday

“I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling twenty-two! Everything will be alright if you keep me next to you!”

“What the fuck.” he muttered into his pillow, trying to figure out if he was dreaming or if his phone was actually ringing with a Taylor Swift song. But even when he was wide awake after a few minutes he could still hear her melodic voice, so he reached out with a groan and checked the caller ID. Of course.

“How did you manage to change my ringtone all the way from London?” he answered in a groggy voice. 

“Well, good morning to you too, hun, took you long enough! I’m very good, thanks for asking! And I got Niall to do it yesterday, obviously.” 

“... Morning Y/N.” 

“Oh, stop grumbling, it doesn’t suit you. Get up and get ready, I’m gonna facetime you in thirty minutes.” And before he could say anything, she hung up on him. 

He looked at this phone in disbelief. Did she just hang up on me on my birthday?! He rolled his eyes, but he couldn’t help the soft smile that appeared on his face. To be honest, there were a lot of things he couldn’t help when it came to her. 

Half an hour later, when he was freshly showered and dressed, his phone rang with an incoming facetime call just like she said. She probably set an alarm for exactly thirty minutes, he thought fondly.

Her smiling face greeted him as he accepted the call. “Happy birthday, Haz!!”

“Thanks, love.” he chuckled, eyeing the tiny cupcake in front of her through the small screen. “Whatcha got there?”

“That’s your birthday cupcake, made it myself! Was tired of shitty store-bought cake.” 

“I don’t know, it looks kind of ugly.” he joked, grinning at her mock-offended face. “I could do better. I worked in a bakery, ya know.”

“You literally just ran the register and washed the dishes.”

“Still, in a bakery!” 

She was shaking her head at his shit-eating grin, but he could still see a soft smile playing at her lips. It caused his heart to flutter in his chest. What he wouldn’t give to see her smiling at him like that everyday. 

“Anyway, candle time!” she piped, grabbing a lighter from somewhere behind the camera and lighting up the single candle on her tiny cupcake.  

Harry watched her raise the cupcake closer to the camera and she instructed him to make a wish. This routine was familiar to them now. Every year, she would video call with a different type of cake, to make up for not being able to be there with him.

Harry closed his eyes, and made the same wish that he had been making for the last six years of his life. I wish you were mine. 

He opened his eyes and blew lightly towards the screen, her actions matching his as she blew out the candle in his place. She gave a little cheer afterwards, and the brightness of her eyes warmed him up all the way down to his toes, even through a phone screen. 

They talked for a while after that, catching up on each other’s lives and discussing the dates they would be able to meet up again. She hung up with a final ‘happy birthday, love you!’ and then he was left staring at his phone, a small smile still remaining on his face. I wish you were mine. 

And later, when he logged onto his twitter account and tweeted some certain song lyrics, he only cared about one person’s reaction out of millions. 

2018 - 24th birthday

“Hey. I’ve been looking for you.” 

Harry turned towards the kitchen door that led to the back garden, seeing her slide it close to make her way towards him.

“Just taking a breather, love.” he said, accepting his woolly coat that she handed him. “Thank you.”

“Didn’t want you to catch a cold.” She sat next to him on the wooden porch bench, wrapped up in her own fuzzy coat. There was another item in her hand, a thick, heavy looking box. 

“What’s that?” he asked, pointing at it. 

“Oh, I came here to give it to you. Your final gift.” 

“Y/N.” he sighed. “The others were more than enough.” 

“I don’t think this even counts as my gift, honestly.” She grinned at the puzzled look on his face. “Just open it.” 

He did. Inside was a thick notebook, a scrapbook by the looks of it, that read ‘Happy Birthday Harry! - 2018’ 

He looked at her curiously, but she just smiled and told him to open it again. He turned to the first page, and ran his gaze across the page. His eyes widened in surprise. He quickly flipped a few pages to see that all of them had the same thing; printings. Printed screenshots from various social media platforms, of his fans wishing him a happy birthday. 

“I know you don’t use social media a lot these days.” she explained as he kept reading the tweets glued onto the scrapbook. “But you were trending on Twitter today, and yesterday too, lots of people wishing you a happy birthday and telling how much they loved you. I thought you might want to see it.”

He let out a watery laugh, not being able to tear his gaze away from the book in his hands. He couldn’t help the tears, not really. She had taken the time to print out lots and lots of tweets, instagram posts, everything; she had cut them and put them in this book and added little stickers in between with colorful doodles. And she had done it to carry his fans’ messages to him, she had basically hand-delivered their gifts of love to him.

“Thank you.” he breathed, his voice catching in his throat. “This is… I think this may be the best gift I’ve ever received.”

“Well, like I said, it’s not technically from me. I just put some tweets together, your fans are the ones who wrote them.” She paused, then added. “I just wanted you to see just how loved you are. By everyone. You have such a kind heart, and an amazing soul; all of these people are aware of it and they love you for it.” She tapped the book in his lap, emphasising her words. 

“Thank you.” he repeated himself, seemingly at a loss for words. He closed the book and carefully put it back in its box, intending to read everything in it later. He placed it beside him, then turned to her and pulled her in a hug. 

Her arms were around him in a second, not hesitating to tighten around him and pull him closer. She was so warm even in the cold weather, and she smelled so nice, and he wouldn’t be able to pull back if he tried. He didn’t know how long they sat there in each other's embrace, but when he felt her starting to lean back, something in him shifted. He turned his head towards her as she pulled away, so his cheek was softly grazing hers. She stilled a bit, looking into his eyes as if she was looking for something, then she closed her eyes and turned the rest of the way, her lips meeting his in a gentle kiss. 

His breath hitched in his throat as his lips slightly parted, a small gasp making its way out of them when he realized finally, finally he was kissing her. He was kissing Y/N. This was really happening.

He brought a hand up to gently cup her cheek, his thumb stroking her cheekbone as they kissed, probably the softest, the most incredible kiss of his life. He couldn’t believe this was happening. He couldn’t believe how amazing she felt against him, how her hands in his hair felt just right, how warm her cheek was under his hand. 

But despite every bone in his body wanting to kiss her forever, he was the first one to pull away, because he just couldn’t keep it in anymore. “I wish you were mine.” 

“What?” she asked breathlessly, apparently still under the effect of their kiss.

“I wish you were mine.” he repeated. “That’s the wish I’ve made on every single birthday since I was sixteen. Everytime you looked at me and told me to make a wish, I was only able to think about how much I wanted to kiss you.” 

She stared at him with parted lips, looking into his eyes like she was trying to figure out if he was messing with him. She could only see love and admiration. 

“You’re an idiot, Harry Styles.” she breathed. Then, she cupped his face with her hands and kissed him again, and again, and again, and he felt like everything in his life was finally going to be okay. 

 some end notes: Sooo I’m sorry for the kind of shitty ending. It’s literally 3 am in Turkey rn and I have an early class but I just wanted to finish this quickly and post it before I went to bed. I haven’t written anything in months because I wasn’t 🌌feeling it🌌 so I basically bullied myself into writing this haha. This is my first posted Harry piece but there are a few other pieces I’ve been working on! (for months, literally. *sigh*)

~~

If you liked it, please feel free to reblog and leave a teeny tiny feedback! Writers really appreciate it!💜

[tomatograter]

i saw on twitter you reread the epilogues! would it be okay to ask how you feel about them now on a reread? have any of your opinions changed, for better or worse? i've really loved the art and analysis that's come out of your tumblr/twitter ever since they dropped, so i'm excited to know what you think. i couldn't get a great read on your feelings based on your tweets so that is why i am asking directly, hope that's okay!

Not much changed. That wasn't the first time I attempted to re-read the HS Epilogues, I've gone through bits and pieces of them a handful of times in the years since the original release and it's an effort I make to remind myself of events that happened because I tend to... forget. I don't mind reading books, I like those! In the hellscape that was 2020, according to my StoryGraph stats (great new site, by the way, stop using the Amazon-clawed Goodreads and transfer your account to a black led effort to diversify the current literary environment) I managed to read about 22 new books. Not too shabby for a total dumbass. The problem isn't that it was text-only, they just sort of mush together as a nondescript mass in my brain given enough time. 

The first time I finished the epilogues, I said they felt like a purposefully unfinished text, but one at odds with itself (though in much more undercooked words, as I had just spent the last 2 days busy reading it) and it's an impression that has deepened since.

I do not mean anything like "Meat contradicts Candy" with this, that'd be foolish; the dissonance is the fucking point. I know how dubiously canon alternate universes work and I *enjoy* them, otherwise I wouldn't have wasted years in the circus ring that is accompanying Big 2 Comics in the hopes they'd do anything genuinely cool with that concept. Instead, I find there is a general problem in terms of internal cohesion. The Epilogues want to be a lot of things at once, be it a continuation, an expulsion, a deliberate attempt at public scorn, a somewhat genuine play in heartfelt analysis, a reinvention of what came before, or a loaded gun pointed straight at one's own foot. And in the process, they end up undermining the impact of their own strongest moments. 

I don't like the Epilogues. Their lukewarm indecisiveness makes for a poor reading experience that needs far more asides, warnings and 'before you read it-'s than the book is worth. It is a text with a particularly distasteful, juvenile fixation in the show and repeated humiliation of sexual abuse victims, and manages to be more regressive about its female characters and what roles they're allowed to play than Homestuck, the 2009 Comic, ever was. And that was disappointing. It's as if the coming of adulthood must sort them into one of two categories: "wanted, desirable" woman or "unwanted, undesirable" woman. It also interacts with trans women in a really shitty way. It is a text married to traditional white-centric politics that makes an attempt to challenge them from that same perspective but falls flat on its face by pulling big moves like "making the alien-Hitler analogue character fight for a rebellion meant to represent racial liberation" and other unsavory choices. But I don't need to like the Epilogues to acknowledge them as both a text that exists and works within a shared universe. 

They're pretty fertile ground for dissection and analysis. I think it's interesting how they accentuate some of the worst facets of the HS "canon"/"lore" by being incredibly blatant about their connection to stuff like the Skaianet archives, how they play with Fanservice and Fan Expectation by dedicating so much time to solving or sinking ‘The Davekat Equation’, and how they elaborate on complex facets of old characters. It's a text that acknowledges the existence of fanfiction and popular fanworks on a direct quotable basis (like "Can't sleep without holding onto a motherfucker" of 4Chords fame) as well as Fan Movements that preceded it (the also Gamzee-based "Free the clown!" Rush from 2016) it's intrinsically interactive, and that's not something you can say about a lot of media. The olive branch beckons.

I don't recommend the Epilogues. To me, the Epilogues portray glimpses of two potential, but not absolute, futures soaked in limiting metadoomer pessimism, best appreciated as "what-if" tales taking on the questions of serialization, post-myth, the self-cannibalistic nature of franchises, the abstractness of Canon, the absurdity of fanon, and why fascists like milk. The Epilogues are also not going to magically disappear or un-exist from our collective recollection anytime soon, or… ever. These statements coexist. 

I think complex feelings towards media are best put to use in the making of your own art, which is unsurprising, given the fact I'm an artist and a fag, & I've personally enjoyed creating things that interact and rebuke aspects of that text. I've also been graced with the existence of wonderful art from others doing the same, may that be in the form of illustrations, written epics, analyses, comics, videos, songs, the collective transgendering of the series' main character, and all sorts of harder-to-categorize community creations. You can make the best of it. That's my favorite part of the whole ordeal, and one I don't regret one bit. 

I hope this is an appropriately satisfying answer on this subject, and if it isn't, well, here's the thing; you can write a better one.

[whatiwillsay]

off topic - let’s talk about gaylena 👀

selena gomez is one of taylor’s oldest and bestest friends and given that she is in the 22 liner notes, a huge part of taylor’s life, and maybe fruity herself it seems like possibly we don’t talk about her here at the blog enough!

i don’t want to do a timeline of selena and taylor’s friendship - you can read more about that here, but they met back in the day when they were both dating jonas brothers and to me this idea of finding a real friendship in the midst of these contrived promances is pretty adorable.

ofc most of y’all think taylor is a fruit basket but i think there’s a good chance that selena is too!  i’m not saying she is for sure but y’all know me.  i’’m here to make a compelling case that everyone and their dog is gay so let’s gooooo! 

Part I - At least one fake rs!  

Selena “dated” Taylor Lautner in 2009 and he’s definitely gay.  Of course, that doesn’t mean she is, it could just be PR, but y’all know I gotta note everything!  We stan our fruity bffs dating the same gays 😍

Part II - Selena x cara delevingne

i feel like there’s a chance they met through taylor but everyone in that squad adjacent circle knows one another.  cara dated michelle rodriguez for the first half of 2014 and then got with annie clark in March 2015 but it feels like it’s possible something has gone on between her and Selena from summer 2014 - early 2015? ...maybe something casual on and off a bit?

August 2014 - Steamy pics surface in Saint-Tropez, France

Selena and and a freshly single Cara vacation together in part to celebrate Selena’s 22nd birthday.

They party together and look cozy!

Pictures such as this surface and spark rumors around the two:

Selena apparently loves the rumors and gushes about being shipped with Cara.

Quote:

You say Selena drag queens were the true measure of success for you. But isn’t it true that you’re not truly famous until you’ve been the subject of a gay rumor? And last year, the tabloids had a field day with photos of you and Cara Delevingne. I’ve made it!

How did you react to those rumors? Honestly, I loved it. I didn’t mind it. Especially because they weren’t talking about other people in my life for once, which was wonderful. Honestly, though, she’s incredible and very open and she just makes me open. She’s so fun and she’s just extremely adventurous, and sometimes I just want that in my life, so I didn’t mind it. I loved it.

Notice she doesn’t deny them?  Now of course she could just be being cool, if she freaked out about it that might be even weirder but hey, it’s still kind of interesting.

Then she admits to questioning her sexuality???

Have you ever questioned your sexuality? Oh, I think everybody does, no matter who they are. I do, yeah, of course. Absolutely. I think it’s healthy to gain a perspective on who you are deep down, question yourself and challenge yourself; it’s important to do that.

(Selena btw, this is cool and all, but not everybody questions their sexuality, maybe you’re just gay 👀)

November 1 - LACMA Art + Film Gala 

they even left the event together 👀

and they hung out earlier that day as well:

They were seen the next day partying for Kendall Jenner’s bday singing to her:

a few weeks later Cara tweets Selena’s lyrics!

In December 2014 they are travelling together in texas:

in january 2015 they get cozy at the golden globes together!

and they leave together again:

January 19th/20th a bunch of gay nonsense happens

They post this gay shit with matching shoes and linked fingers:

then they say this to one another:

Enty says they were hooking up!

then we don’t get any more content that i can find for about six months! perhaps they had a fling from summer 2014-jan 2015 and then it ends, Cara gets with Annie in March?  Then after half a year apart Selena and Cara resume a friendly relationship?  Perhaps!  Selena is seen with Justin a bit off and on during this time but this was in their Style/Heat Death Era imo (tbh i probably shouldn’t give a hetty pairing including Justin that designation 🤢but y’all get what I’m saying - it’s fully possible Selena was hooking up with both of them!

Now I’m not super familiar with Selena’s discography so y’all lmk if I’m missing anything major - lyric wise that point to her not being straight.

Selena’s album Revival that comes out after this relationship has a few songs with some vibes, even though I get the feeling a lot of it is probably about Justin, allow me to reach.  The title track could be translated as someone coming to terms with their sexuality (among other things):

I feel like I've awakened lately The chains around me are finally breaking I've been under self-restoration I've become my own salvation Showing up, no more hiding, hiding The light inside me is bursting, shining It's my, my, my time to butterfly

Good for you, imo, is too sexy to be about a man even if it’s not super queer lyrically it’s a vibe ok?

Me & My Girls might be a bestie anthem a la 22 (oh wait, no 22 was gay too) but I mean...could be about a girl gang of lesbians too!

And if we want it, we take it If we need money, we make it Nobody knows if we fake it You like to watch while we shake it I know we're making you thirsty You want us all in the worst way But you don't understand I don't need a man 

Quinn Fabray indeed!

Nobody feels probably like a retrospective on Justin 🙄but...there is a hint of sapphic craving in there!  Saying this particular lover loves them differently than everyone is a bit 👀 plus this stanza:

No oxygen, can barely breathe My darkest sin, you've raised release And it's all because of you, all because of you And I don't know what it is, but you've pulled me in No one compares, could ever begin To love me like you do And I wouldn't want them to

Is Perfect about some bitch Justin started dating?  Probably but bear with me here this song is actually pretty fucking gay.  Gay enough that I’m gonna add it to one of my gay playlists.  Could this song actually be about Cara moving on to Annie?

Ooh, and I bet she has it all Bet she's beautiful like you, like you And I bet she's got that touch Makes you fall in love, like you, like you

I can taste her lipstick and see her laying across your chest I can feel the distance every time you remember her fingertips Maybe I should be more like her Maybe I should be more like her I can taste her lipstick, it's like I'm kissing her, too And she's perfect And she's perfect

Part III - Selena x Julia Michaels

Julia Michaels is a singer/songwriter known for her song Issues.  I don’t know her sexuality but she at the least has gay vibes!  It seems they met around this time perhaps because Julia wrote on Revival.

They have a friendly enough friendship for a few years, liking one another’s posts on IG from time to time, posing for a photo a time or two and then they seem to get swept up into this very intense friendship in 2019.  They write some music together and Julia goes whole hog in promoting the shoe brand Selena is hawking this time 😭

2019 - The Superior Sapphic Jelena Timeline:

It starts, for some reason with a lot of shoe promotion:

chill, chill

more shoes

but more gayness?

this homo shit

ok...

Then we go into the REALLY GAY NOVEMBER OF 2019:

Then they perform together:

And...actually kiss...on the mouth on stage???

Sure it’s just a peck but still...if that were a guy people would say they were dating.  

Somehow kissing on the mouth isn’t the gayest thing these girls do over this period because these fucking dykes got matching tattoos.  I’ve read enough Larry blogs to know this actually means they’re secretly married.  All jokes aside this is fruity behavior. 

From their IG stories:

Selena gets Julia a very nice christmas gift:

Covid sets in and content drops off but god damn!  It’s possible they just had an intense friendship but if a man and a woman collabed on music together, kissed in public, and got matching tattoos everyone would say they were dating!

Selena, as far as I can find, didn’t have any public boyfriends around this time so who are some of these love songs about?

Rare comes out in January 2020 and perhaps has some gayish songs?

Don’t tell me why but boyfriend lowkey, has a gay vibe.  Don’t ask me to explain it but it’s just the musicality of it.

Crowded Room could be a love song for Julia?  (or by Julia for Selena, since they’re collaborators?)

Baby, it's just me and you Baby, it's just me and you Just us two Even in a crowded room Baby, it's just me and you, yeah

These are general gay vibes, our secret moments in a crowded room tease

It started polite, out on thin ice 'Til you came over to break it I threw you a line and you were mine

It would have started out polite between them, since they worked together for years before whatever 2019 was happened.  And throwing someone a line first of all makes Selena sound like the aggressor but also “throwing someone a line” could be a reference to writing songs together.

Yeah, I was afraid, but you made it safe I guess that is our combination Said you feel lost, well, so do I So won't you call me in the morning? I think that you should call me in the morning If you feel the same, 'cause

Lots of people are afraid at the beginning of a gay rs.  Treacherous tease 👀

In summation!

Selena does gay stuff like fantasizing ab kissing other women in her music, getting very touchy with famous dykes on vacay, hangs out with Taylor Swift, has chronic mental health issues, dated a jonas brother and a twilight gay, has admitted to questioning her sexuality, and loves being shipped with women.  Is she gay?  I don’t know!   But all she’s missing from her celesbian bingo card is a suspiciously intense friendship with a Glee Cast member! What do you guys think?  Selena fruity or just weird?

Edit to add: so apparently I missed an entire ship and Selena supposedly acted really gay all the time with her backup dancer Charity Baroni.  Exposing SMG has posted a lot about all that.

Also Selena has been cast in a gay role! edit to add: @bisluthq went and found this for me - julia is indeed a fruit queen

[britishdisasters]

hello! sorry to bother but i saw you rebloging posts about dan and phil and thought you could help me: so i didn't grow up watching them, i barely know who they are tbh but i know fans ship them together or used to? bc it seems to me from a lot of posts that they confirmed they're together but i also saw people talking sht about the shippers so im very confused LOL again sorry to bother, but are they together?

Uh… I’m not exactly sure how to answer that question but I’ll try.

So, basically they confirmed that they’re together but also that they have no intention of ever acknowledging it publicly. Like there was one mention and now just like… side references that fans pick up on. It’s sort of a “they know we know they know we know” situation.

As in, Dan said in his coming out video that they are soul mates, and in his bit talking about meeting Phil said “obviously it was more than just romantic”. So I guess it depends on if you consider that confirmation? There are people who took it as meaning that they used to be together but aren’t anymore, but there’s very little reason to believe that- you simply don’t choose to live with your ex for the rest of your life, let alone call them your soul mate. They’ve also hinted at sharing a bedroom for a few years now. They recently moved into their “forever home” together, which they designed themselves and has been in the works since 2017 when they bought blank property. This is their 4th place officially living together, 5th from a more practical standpoint. So, take that as you will.

And fans shipping them is complicated. Yes, sort of. Although I think it’s mostly an admiration of their relationship rather than a wanting them to be together. A key thing to recognize is that most of their audience is queer, and I’d say at least 60-70% are lesbians. So you don’t really have the aspect to shipping that people usually think about. Their audience definitely used to act in a more classically ship-y way, but as people have grown up that’s mostly disappeared. Their core audience is in like the 18-25 range currently. But unlike a lot of creators they have never discouraged it. In fact, they had a multiple year long series of videos looking through fan art and fan fics. There was a while when they encouraged it only as a theoretical thing and not people actually thinking they were together (2012-2015ish), which was mostly a protective response due to homophobia. A part of that is probably that Dan quite literally started out as a fan of Phil (has said this and there’s also physical proof in the form of tweets and such). He was a fan of Phil from 2007(?)-2009 and basically pulled off the move that fan fictions do where he openly internet stalked and spammed Phil until Phil talked to him and they ended up clicking. They were open about their relationship for a year or so before they started blowing up on the internet. So I think in a lot of regards, Dan understands how the fandom thinks and operates, and he openly has a secret burner fan account that he uses to monitor what’s being said from the inside.

Anyway the basic answer is that they’re a lot more open in spaces where it’s just their audience and the media/wider internet isn’t going to hear about things. They do, and pretty much always have operate on a “we know you know” basis when it comes to fans knowledge of their relationship. It’s some combination of being intensely private people & knowing how the internet being involved destroys relationships + wanting to make it clear that they value being best friends above all the rest of it.

[theroguequeenaniki]

Questions 2009 -> 2021

This is from my Facebook. It popped up on my memories page thing. I originally answered this in 2009 when I was 15, it’s now 2021 & and I am 27, so I’m gonna do it again. Leaving the original answers. Original answers will be italicized. Commentary on the original answers in parentheses & crossed out? Lol. (I’m not gonna tag anyone, but, like, I guess if you want to answer these random questions from Facebook 12 years ago, go ahead lol) 

Questions

Can you fill this out without lying? You've been tagged, so now you need to answer all the questions HONESTLY. At the end, choose people to tag. Don't forget to tag me so I can see your answers! To do this, copy this entire message, then go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, delete my answers, and type yours. Easy! Next, tag people that you think may enjoy this (in the right hand corner of the app). Click publish (at the bottom). Have fun! :) 1.What was the last thing you put in your mouth? My cup with my Big Red in it The straw to my Kate Spade tumbler to drink my HEB Cola Lol.

2.Where was your profile picture taken? I got it off the internet. it's a random anime girl. My bedroom. 3.Can you play Guitar Hero? Never played it. Probably wouldn't be good at it. Not to good at video games. But I am good at Mario Cart, both 64 and the Wii. plus I'm good at some Sonic games. Still never played it. Idk if I’m any good at Mario Cart or the Sonic games anymore, I haven’t played either in years lol

4.Name someone who made you laugh today? Doctor Who TikTok. My cats.

5.How late did you stay up last night and why? Umm, probably about 10:00 cause it took me forevor to get into bed. Uh..Past 4am. Lol. B/c my sleep schedule is fucked. I was in bed by 3am though, but I was playing games & watching TikToks on my phone. Lol.

6.If you could move somewhere else, would you? Yes. I'd move to either New York or Sweden. I don’t know. Part of me says yes. But part of me says no..b/c even though Texas has it’s faults (a LOT of them), I cannot imagine living anywhere else long-term..

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks? HAHA. Yeah right. I've never even been kissed! Still nope. I have been kissed though. He just didn’t kiss me under the fireworks the one NYE we spent together...

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you? Um, I think R, but D might also. D is accross Stasney from me and R is a couple blocks down (I don’t talk to these people much anymore & I’m not going to share their names on Tumblr) Uh. I think Maybe Raven? B/c they’re the only one who lives in the same city still. But, Sarah might technically be closer distance wise? Hold on. Ok, yeah, Sarah’s closer, even though she doesn’t live in this city anymore.

9. Do you believe exes can be friends? It all depends on the situation.(I totally stold M's answer but it's true) (I don’t talk to this person anymore & I’m not gonna share their name on Tumblr) I mean, yeah. Two of my best friends are each others exes and they’re still friends. I haven’t stayed friend with my ex, but, uh, he ghosted me so? Lol.

10. How do you feel about Dr. Pepper? I love it. I still love it. Lol.

11. When was the last time you cried really hard? I can't remember. I don't think it was that long ago, I had a light cry on Saturday, but I don't remember the last time I cried really hard. When we got back from our trip in July. Had a full on breakdown that night. Overheated all weekend. Overwhelmed. Anxiety. It was not a very good vacation..I cry a lot though.

12. Who took your profile picture? I got it off of google. I did. 

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of? Umm, either myself, or one of my family members. Aside from myself. I think my dad, on his phone, b/c there was a cicada on his shoulder and he wanted to ask the family group chat if he could keep it. Lol. I take a LOT of pictures of cats though. Lol.

14. Was yesterday better than today? Hail yes! To much drama today! And I couldn't avoid it cause I was in the middle of it! (Oof, what drama was 15 yo Linda dealing with that she couldn’t avoid? Lol. I mean, I guess, Sophomore year was a bit full of drama lol) Anyway, I mean, they were pretty much the same. One wasn’t better than the other. One wasn’t worse than the other.

15. Can you live a day without TV? yeah. Now Music there is something I can't live without! Yep, Do it almost everyday. Sentiments about music remain the same. Lol.

16. Are you upset about anything? Yes. I'm annoyed about something and it's making me upset. (I assume this has something to do with the the drama mentioned earlier lol) Always. Anxiety & depression are a bitch. My rooms a mess & I can’t get myself to clean it. My shelves are still a mess.

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? yeah. though i havent really had one yet. I mean, yeah. Even though I haven’t had one last, aside from friendships, but they’re worth it. 

18. Are you a bad influence? I hope not. If so, let me know.(again I took M's answer but it's true) Probably. Idk. Lol.

19. Night out or night in? Depends on what's going on and how I feel about it. Night in usually. I do like going out sometimes, but, like, to dinner. Maybe a movie or a show. But, you know, we’ve been in a panini press, the only thing I’ve been comfortable doing is going to dinner (fully vaxxed & masked). But I also prefer staying home anyway. (Like I usually just go to dinner with my family lol)

20. What items could you not go without during the day? my computer. my book. my journal and a pen. My phone. My journal (b/c I write in it every night, as a diary, 14yo Linda wrote stories). Uh. I didn’t take food or drinks into account in the og, so I won’t in those. But, yeah. My phone & journal. I can go a day without my laptop if I need to. (Went the whole trip in July without pulling it out, though maybe that’s not a good example since my anxiety on that trip was so high..) I want to say a book, but I’ve been in a massive reading slump so...I wish I read as much as 15yo Linda did..

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? I don't remember. I think it was myself.(if you want to know, ask me in person) I honestly don’t know. I don’t remember the last time I was in a hospital. 

22. What does the last text message in your inbox say? "Mrbobbybones:  wish ted would finally meet their mother already. geez. get to it. However, I see myself in that character more and more each episode." yeah. That's what it says. It's from Twitter. (Huh? and I can’t even go check b/c my inbox doesn’t go back to 2009 on Twitter?? (I haven’t had my account that long) Wait wait wait just remembered I used to get tweets to my phone as text messages lol)

Facebook messenger: “ Cool” From our group chat. Lol.

From actual text messages on my phone: “ heeey! Just put up the Tuesday PDS just for you  it’s a big one.” From Phillip Defranco’s text line Lol.

23. How do you feel about your life right now? I'm loving and hating it. but hey nobody gets out alive right? Uh..I mean. I’m alive. I have WiFi. Food. Family. I haven’t seen my friends in 2 years. (Minus Alex, b/c they were here in July to cat/house sit, but I saw them for like, one night..) There’s a lot that could be better. A lot that could be worse. 

24. Do you hate anyone? yes!!! Oof. I mean, kinda.

25. If we were to look in your Facebook Inbox, what would we find? some random conversations. most of my convos on her though have been in chat or through comments. Facebook Inbox is now Facebook Messenger. So you’ll find all my Facebook Messenger convos. Mostly our group chat. And side group chats for secret planning (birthdays & stuff). Plus other chats? Lol.

26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass? I better! (excuse me miss 15yo Linda you absolutely could have passed a drug test you ALSO didn’t drink or smoke or take any drugs lol) Yeah. Absolutely. I don’t drink or smoke or take any drugs so, yeah? Lol.

27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before? 

Yes. But I can't remember when... Yeah. Pretty sure. 

28. What song is stuck in your head? Gee by SNSD(Girls Generation) They're Korean. A few My Chemical Romance songs

29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be? EDWARD CULLEN! Joke! lol. No I don't know. If it was Edward, I'd call the cops. whoever it is though better have an explaination or they are gonna get hit in the head with my Book of Shadows. (Maybe I wouldn’t mind Edward at my window though? Lol.) Uh. My friends? Lol. Idk if I want anyone knocking on my window at 2am.

30.Wanna have grandkids before you’re 50? I don't know....... Uh. No? Idk. Most likely not gonna happen. 

31. Name something you have to do tomorrow? I can't think of anything right now... Eat. Should probably clean my room.

32. Do you think too much or too little? Way to much! lol. Way way way too much

33. Do you smile a lot? i try to. I think I do. I get told that alot in Theater...

I think so

[taylizmasterpost]

Swiftgron Shows Up, Liz Spirals (March 2012 - September 2012)

This is not going to be a timeline of Swiftgron and their relationship. For that, you can go to the @swiftgronmasterpost​. This is just to show how, when things got serious with Dianna, things deteriorated between Taylor and Liz:

25 March 2012 - Swiftgron go watch the Hunger Games together. Taylor follows Dianna on Twitter afterwards. This is likely their first actual date:

27 March 2012 - Liz tweets this:

Was this in response to Swifgron’s first date? Maybe. Was Liz jealous Taylor had pulled the exact same move on Dianna that she’d pulled on her back in 2009 when she took her to Valentine’s Day? Also maybe. But also maybe not. Still, #Lizgototherapychallenge.

30 March 2012 - Taylor introduces Dianna to her mom, they all get dinner together:

12 April 2012 - Dianna blows a kiss to Taylor on Jimmy Kimmel.

18 April 2012 - Mutual friend Chantelle tweets that she spent the night and early morning hanging out with TayLiz.

Chantelle will post a picture of her, Taylor and Liz hanging out in a kitchen together almost a year later -- when the girls don’t seem to be on speaking terms -- making me think this picture was taken on this night:

24 April 2012 - Swiftgron Shirley MacLane party happens:

27 April 2012 - Taylor and someone (possibly Liz) are papped getting lunch together in LA. The secret message for the song “The Last Time,” which will be written in a few months, is “LA On Your Break.” They’re certainly in LA, and the tour is certainly on break. Perhaps this is Taylor finally ending things with Liz.

Liz tweets at Taylor about Skittles later that day, making me think it was her at lunch.

28 April 2012 - Dianna’s birthday party. Taylor dresses as a tiger and leaves a note on the door with a joke they’d made that reads “I’m a little kitten and I need to nurse because I’m a runt and I’m likely to fall victim to predators.”

10 May 2012 - Taylor posts on Instagram “Going back to Nashville. Thinking about the whole thing. Guess you gotta run sometimes.”

This is from the song Nashville by David Mead. Other interesting lyrics include:

You’re a distant memory, you’re an exit sign I was talking crazy on the driver’s side

I was talking crazy on the driver’s side I will always love you like a long goodbye

The driving references are interesting, considering that Red has the theme of driving all over it. “I will always love you like a long goodbye” also seems to support the theory that Taylor has just finally broken things off with Liz.

15 May 2012 - Taylor finishes writing Everything Has Changed with Ed Sheeran then gets dinner with Dianna Ashley and Claire. The original lyrics of Everything Has Changed talk about “falling for a Gemini,” which describes Gemini Liz, but Taylor seems to have re-fitted the song to be about Dianna and removed those lyrics:

27 May 2012 - Liz’s birthday. Taylor does not tweet at her. No pictures are posted of the party, if there is one.

28 May 2012 - Taylor and Ed record Everything Has Changed:

Late May 2012 - Taylor writes The Last Time:

Here’s what she had to say about the inspiration for the song:

The Last Time is a hard song for me to analyze, not because I don’t have theories about what it means, but because I think Taylor is oversimplifying the story here. To me, looking at this song, assuming it’s about Liz, it reads less like a pleading “baby I want you back” song, and more like an “I’m losing you to addiction song.”

We haven’t fully gotten into this yet, but Liz was dealing with a lot of mental and internal shit at this time. According to rumor, she’s about to be let go from The Agency due to getting “out of control,” and the songs she writes this summer, including Wreck of Who I Am, definitely seem to imply she was trying to claw her way out of a spiral here. When I listen to The Last Time through this lens, it feels more like a last chance, pleading intervention.

Wreck of Who I Am:

And the tide is strong that it keeps me from the land

And I’m low on faith and I pray with shaky hands

Well it hurts like hell tryna tell myself

This ain’t the only thing that’s meant for me

Gotta piece back together the wreck of who I am

The Last Time

This is the last time I’m asking you this

Put my name at the top of your list

This is the last time I’m asking you why

You break my heart in the blink of an eye

And there’s also the fact that The Last Time seems like it was written on if not around Liz’s birthday (May 27).

3 June 2012 - Dianna jokes at the GLAAD Awards about having kissed girls before:

4 June 2012 - Liz does some songwriting of her own with Seth Jones and Megan Mace:

Taylor and Liz’s dresses from Mean are placed next to each other at the Speak Now Tour Exhibition:

10 June 2012 -  Taylor diaries about recording 22, and IKYWT, says she’s already written WANEGBT:

Story behind WANEGBT: I wrote it with Max Martin and Johan Shellback who are two of my songwriting heroes, they’re amazing. And we were in the studio, and we were writing a different song and this guy walks in who I- was- A friend of someone I had previously… dated. And he comes in and he’s like “Oh, I hear you and [redacted] are getting back together” and um that was like his opening line. And we weren’t. We’d done that whole like on/off on/off just the worst. Bleh. And um… And so when he left I just turned to Max and I was like “We are never getting back together. What? That’s ridiculous!” Um and I told them the whole situation as I do ‘cause I tend to share, as you know. And so uh he just looked at me and he was like “I know the song we’re writing today. Let’s start a new one.” And so I got the guitar and it just sort of happened and so uh this is that song.

So what we know from this is that it is HIGHLY more likely that a friend of Liz just happened to walk into the studio that day than a friend of either Jake or Dianna (I’m guessing someone from The Agency maybe? Taylor seems to fumble when choosing how to describe them)

Martin and Shellback are credited on three songs on red -- WANEGBT, IKYWT, and 22. We know Taylor wrote 22 here. She also says she “came back to trouble.” From that I can assume they were trying to write IKYWT when this story took place.

The secret message for WANEGBT is “When I stopped caring what you thought.” To me, this really signals things have broken down between them. Rather than the pleading in The Last Time, this is song is much more distant and moved on, where Taylor is able to have a sense of humor about the breakup.

18 June 2012 - A friend of Liz’s tweets this at Taylor (am I the only one sensing some shade??):

1 July 2012 - Liz does some songwriting in Nashville:

Between this session and the session on the fourth, presumably the songs she’d release later that winter (One Hand On the Wheel, Wreck of Who I Am, and Blessed Are the Brokenhearted) are written here, making it seem like Liz is processing both some depression and a breakup of some sort.

8 July 2012 - Taylor takes pictures with a fan at a coffee shop (presumably in Nashville). According to the fan’s account, Liz was also there, sitting at the table behind them. The fan ends up taking pictures with both Liz and Taylor:

I’m not entirely sure what this means for them. Obviously Taylor has just written The Last Time (presumably about Liz) and then gone off to Hy(i)annis port with Dianna to go frolic in the waves and all that, so I don’t think this means TayLiz is back on. However, we know from fan accounts (which I’ll get to in a second) that Liz thought she was going to be coming on the Red Tour until she was let go from The Agency in September. Perhaps this is some amount of reconciliation? A check in? An ultimatum to get her act together or she won’t be allowed on tour?

Truthfully, we can’t know for sure. But this is one of their last hang outs together (that we know of) this year.

13 August 2012 - Taylor’s Red Youtube Webchat. She describes what some of the songs on the album are about

22: This is a song that I wrote with Max Martin and Johan Shellback and it’s a song about the way I spent my summer when I was finishing this album. Kind of hanging out with my friends all the time and I really decided that I love being twenty two. It’s um kind of my favorite age that I’ve ever been. I kind of have like different theories of the years in my life and like what they meant and 22 has been so much fun. It’s- it’s been so much fun and I decided to write a song about that and just all the ridiculous nonsense that my friends and I got into. And, um, so this one’s called 22.

Treacherous: This is a song that I wrote with Dan Wilson… I’ve always wanted to work with him. So I called him and um it turned out that he was into the idea of working with me. And um so I went in with this idea and uh we wrote a song about when you’re falling for someone and you know that it’s dangerous. And you know that it could really really really really really just annihilate you if it were to not work out and it could possibly not work out and it probably won’t work out, but you go for it anyway. And so this is called Treacherous.

31 August 2012 - We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together is released as a single. The MV features the rest of the Agency, but not Liz. Fans take notice.

13 September 2012 - The news breaks that Liz is leaving The Agency and will not be on the Red Tour:

Interestingly enough, according to the L Chat, Liz had been telling fans that she was planning on going on the Red Tour before this point, so something must’ve happened:

And because of this fan encounter below, we have somewhat of an idea of what it was:

So from the combined events of this summer we know this about Liz being let go:

1) Liz wrote songs that summer about having a hard time and trying to claw her way out of it.

2) Taylor and Liz met up twice that summer, and Taylor did not acknowledge Liz’s birthday publicly.

3) Taylor may have written The Last Time, a song about begging someone to choose you over other things (possibly addiction) on Liz’s birthday.

4) Liz thought she was going on The Red Tour.

5) Liz was fired for “getting out of control.”

The picture this paints to me is that, while Liz was spiraling, Taylor was trying to help her, using coming on the Red Tour as a reward for getting her act together. When she ultimately couldn’t, presumably after that meeting in July, Taylor had no choice but to ask her to leave the Agency, since hardcore intense tour life is likely the last thing Liz needed to get better. This is a really difficult and hard situation, regardless of whether or not the two women were ever sexually or romantically involved. 

Fortunately, as we’ll see moving forward, this seems to be the wake up call Liz needed to start the process of getting back on her feet. However, it’s clear that for at least a little bit after this, Taylor became a taboo topic around Liz. But ask anyone who’s dealt with addiction or helped a friend/family member through it -- there’s some resentment that’s bound to happen, even towards the people trying to help.

20 September 2012 - Liz spends “quality time” with Claire and Taylor:

I personally read this as one last hurrah of the trio after Liz was not asked back for the Red Tour. The “not mad at this day” feels a little weird to me too, and I can’t tell if it’s supposed to be shade or not. Either way, this is the last major interaction between Taylor and Liz for a while.

IN CONCLUSION: Liz had her demons. Whether this is what caused the end of her and Taylor’s relationship or something else, it’s almost certainly what caused her to not be asked back on the Red Tour. In the winter, she would release the music she was writing over the summer, making it clear she was going through some shit, probably not helped by seeing Taylor so obviously move on with Dianna. But this is the low point. Things with Liz can only go up from here.

Liz After the Agency (September 2012 - September 2014)

[belleandkurtbastian]

Glee Season 1 rewatch recap

I just want to get some general thoughts out. I thought about liveblogging every episode, and I did tweet sporadically, but I think I've said most of what I have to say about Glee specifics over the past 12 years. I'm going to pull some thoughts from Jenna and Kevin's podcast "Showmance", too, as I listened to that alongside the season.

Season 1a

I don't think this is a controversial opinion: Season 1a is Glee at its purest and most consistent. It's not perfect by any means, and I'll get into that in a moment, but the purest distillation of the messages of hope and, yes, inclusion are in this first half-season. The characterisations are at their most consistent, especially as it pertains to the adults, and the overall arc felt focussed, if a little bloated at times.

But yes, it's not perfect. My main complaint about Season 1a, which WAS mostly fixed in the second half of the season, is the sheer amount of ableist language.

The tone of S1a was more dramatic than the rest of the series. Yes, there was still levity and comedy, and yes Terri and Sue were both absolutely ridiculous characters... But fundamentally, the tone was set by drama, not so much by the comedy.

Which comes back to the ableism. And other language, but the ableism is the one that sticks out the most. In the first four episodes, we get multiple uses of the word "cripple" to refer to Artie, and Rachel even uses the phrase "chomosomally challenged" at one point to refer to the football team... This turns around mostly by the time of Wheels, but I feel that RIB were leaning more on the shock factor and feeling "maybe we'll get around to actually addressing this" rather than proactively addressing it at all.

But overall, I think the tone of S1a was reasonable... And it's also the ONLY season where Will really attempts fairness in the club. Half the season is devoted to the ongoing Rachel arc of "Will don't give me everything I want", which continues through the rest of the show. But in S1a, she's actually right. Will isn't bowing to Rachel's every whim, while in the later seasons he DOES.

Season 1b

Season 1b is an interesting one. It's certainly not as polished as S1a, but it's also not gone off the deep end like the show really does by S4. I'd say it's pretty much halfway between S1a's heightened drama and S2 starting to lean more towards comedy. It's just a pretty pure dramedy, but with the usual heightened absurdity brought by Sue and the rest of the adult characters.

Tonally, it's pretty consistent. Plot-wise, I don't think it really holds up. They kind of wrote themselves into a bit of a weird corner. They set up basically every S1b plot thread in S1a. Vocal Adrenaline, Will's divorce, Will/Emma, Quinn's pregnancy... They basically left all the hard work for the second half of the season, and had to find a way to turn it around.

And I think on that backdrop they actually didn't do a bad job of it. The second half focusses much more heavily on the kids, and moves focus away from the adults, but it also suffers a little for that, because the writers weren't quite confident in their ability to write for those characters yet...

I think that of the first three seasons, 1b might be the weakest run. Maybe I'm misremembering S3, but I feel like as absurd as S3 could be, it was at least relatively consistent in its absurdity, while S1b had a lot of moments where you go "That doesn't quite work." Kevin and Jenna had the same opinion, roughly, too. There are just a lot of times in S1b where it feels like they're scrambling to tie things together.

Some more specifics overall:

Kurt and Burt

It's always the highlight of the show, and I think the fear I had was that the Kurt and Burt stuff just wouldn't hold up 11 years later... But honestly, I think it still worked.

I'm not going to pretend that everything Burt did was perfect (I've always been one of Burt's bigger critics in the fandom, from what I've seen), but my GOD Chris and Mike both sold the heart of that relationship. I had completely forgotten how well their scene with Finn in Theatricality went over, too. Burt wasn't hiding from his own past, and he was owning up to using words like "faggy" and "retard" when he was younger, but he really sold that scene.

It's tempting to think that time has marched on, but honestly... the rawness of the Kurt and Burt stories has not aged, and it is still as relevant today as it was in 2009 when it first aired.

Terri and Sue

This is basically me cribbing straight from the Showmance Glee Recaps, but Kevin and Jenna are absolutely right: Jessalyn Gilsig SET the tone of the show. Don't get me wrong, it's ridiculous and Terri's plan makes no sense... but if you watch it from the right angle, you get what Emma says about how you can feel for Terri's worries throughout the season.

But Jane also sells her part so well. It takes a little while for Sue's role to really cement itself, but by the time Jessalyn leaves the series it feels fine because Jane has really grown into the larger-than-life outsider role in the cast.

Rachel and her love interests

Rachel gets around in this season. It's not a slight against her, it's just a little jarring because so much of her plot over time is about how people don't like her... But she has three boys in just this one season. Yes, Puck was a brief thing, and she and Finn never really got going... But she has both of them AND Jesse at different points.

Of which speaking: it has been LITERALLY ELEVEN YEARS and I am still mad that they cut "Hello Twelve, Hello Thirteen, Hello Love" from 1x14 Hell-O. It's not that they needed another Rachel number on the show, or even that they needed another Jesse number. It's that I think that scene really SELLS the Rachel/Jesse relationship, and without it the relationship feels a little hollow. Which is weird, because it's Lea Michele and Jonathan Groff. That relationship is barely even acting! It just needed the background to it.

Shelby, VA, Quinn

Anyone else noticed that Shelby feels... underutilised and a little forced into this season?

The whole "Rachel finds her mother" storyline just felt a little rushed... They gave Idina several numbers in the season, because if you've got Idina Menzel you fucking USE Idina Menzel... but there was a lack of organicness to them.

This problem would ABSOLUTELY have been worse if the original episode order had been retained. 1x20 and 1x21 Theatricality and Funk were originally the other way around, and that absolutely would not have helped here. The distance from the acceptance and departure in Theatricality to the final episode, Journey, already feels like there wasn't time to let it sit in between, but if those episodes were back-to-back it would have been worse. Honestly, I think Theatricality could have done with being moved up another episode, to x19, so that the Jesse departure stuff would make more sense in terms of timing, without the whole thing feeling rushed.

Speaking of Jesse... They really shoehorned Vocal Adrenaline performances into the show, right? Like, I'm not complaining... it's just that not all of those VA performances had real plot justifications :P

And finally, Quinn...

I would have liked to have seen the Shelby/Quinn interaction play out a little longer. I think like so much in the back few episodes, it could have done with another episode of buffer. It would have been a nice bookend for the season if Quinn and Puck AGREED to give Shelby their baby BEFORE it was born, and with Rachel's blessing, rather than their one interaction being stormed through.

On to Season 2, I guess?

[not-saying-revolution-but]

url song titles game

Rules: spell out your url with song titles, then tag as many people as there are letters in your url

thanks for the tag, @i-am-just-a-kiddo! I am always ready to talk about music

Absolutely not tagging 22 people because I am a sensible person and that would be crazy, but @circumference-pie, @tofufei, @angelxhunter, @ahlanzhan, here’s a tag if you’d like to share!

Generally pulling from songs I’ve listened to recently, though a person only has so many v- and y- and u- songs. If something comes up from 2009 we get what we get ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Read on for commentary

N – Nothing is Safe by clipping. – forever thinking about the line “truth like death comes for everyone” in the context of LYB

O – Out Like a Light 2 by The Honeysticks and Ricky Montgomery – the original version of this song is a classic for me but this version, uh, changes the meaning of the lyrics a bit

T – Tactics by Japanese Breakfast – currently reading Michelle Zauner’s memoir (Crying in H Mart), so I’ve had the whole Jubilee album on repeat to get in the mood

S – Sinnerman by Nina Simone – a masterpiece, need I say more

A – Agnes by Glass Animals - not sure if I can articulate all I feel for this song in anything shorter than a novella, will not attempt

Y – You Wouldn’t Like Me cover by Sleeping At Last – every song is improved if it’s covered by Sleeping At Last, send tweet

I – Il male è grande e vasto by Na Sang Jin and Park Se Jun - asdfghkjl this is from the Vincenzo soundtrack... say what you will about the show itself, but the soundtrack fucking slaps and I will put that on my gravestone (I beg thee, how often must one make a playlist called ‘songs that make me want to join an international crime syndicate specifically so I can play them while doing bad deeds’?)

N – Nước chảy hoa trôi (Reborn) by Nguyễn Trần Trung Quân – I watched the music video so many times when it first came out that now I need only throw the song on to enjoy a little screening inside my brain! Love when that happens

G – Gang Gang Schiele by HYUKOH - I started listening to them idly while working a few days ago. It started out as “sounds like a good vibe” and then it became “a lot of these songs are actually really great” and now it is “I think I need to consume their entire discography”

R – Rainy Night in Georgia by Brook Benton – when I was much younger, I would put this song on during early morning workouts, which makes no sense because it is the definitional opposite of a workout song

E – Extrication by SHIO 郭修彧 – I quietly associate this song with The Ghost Bride for reasons that aren’t clear to me. Did I maybe see a video with this song for that show? Am I imagining things? Who knows, certainly not me

V – Vanderlyle Crybaby Geeks by The National – prime example of how I choose most songs based on vibes alone. I don’t even want to look at the lyrics because it would ruin the experience

O – Oh You Are Not Well by Chloe Foy – what it says on the tin! I particularly like the folk elements of this one

L – Le pré des corbeaux by Maxenss – this song feels like summer but is textually not very much about summer at all

U – Under My Skin by Jukebox The Ghost – I’ve been listening to them for quite a while and I keep thinking they’re going to break into mainstream pop and I won’t be cool anymore

T – Tujhe Dekha To by Lata Mangeshkar and Kumar Sanu – from Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge, which I have not watched in I don’t even know how long but remember liking

I – I Of The Storm by Of Monsters and Men – "Little Talks" was the anthem of my mid-teenage years. Since then, I’ve come to appreciate the rest of their work on multiple levels. Also, the music video for this song moves me to tears every time I watch it

O – Oh my god by (G)I-DLE – I heard this soon after it was released two Aprils ago and had a “wait... did I just hear a she pronoun???” kind of moment. I appreciate the aesthetics of the music video as well

N – Nar_C by Holland – my experience with Holland began with “the first openly gay k-pop idol? Yes let’s see what he has” and is now “I will listen to anything he creates and also I would die for him”

B – Bad Dreams (Stripped) by Faouzia – despite being obsessed with her voice, I actually haven’t listened to much of her work beyond this song? Gotta get on that. Nevertheless, the powerful vocals + piano makes an excellent combination in this version

U – Underdog by Mayaeni – another artist who I would like to explore more! I connect a lot to the lyrics of this one

T – The Way You Felt (你的目光) by Alec Benjamin – linking the Mandarin version because 1) I like it more than the English version and 2) I more often hear songs that are translated from their original language into English. This is one of the few (contemporary) English bops that I’ve seen a mainstream artist intentionally release in another language and I do respect Alec Benjamin for that

(this got real long, shoutout to anyone who read to the end <3)

[thebookofus-depravity]

Skinny Bone Jones

Skinny Bone Jones

Chapter 1 

Chapter 2 coming soon!

9k words

This is my baby Park Jaehyung and an AU in which y’all are dealing with the coronavirus together in LA. Jae grew up with Y/N and you were childhood friends. You stayed close but haven’t seen each other in ages. Now you’re both back.

 Teeth rotting fluff, possible smut in future chapters (lets see if I have the balls to post it), Y/N has a strong proclivity for a certain guitarists hands. And honestly, who can blame her? TW: Confrontation with a nasty old ex, Coronavirus,  Quarantine, overbearing parents.

...

This fucking sucks.

Closing your laptop, and shoving it off of your lap to the side of your bed, you are struck by exactly how warm the underside of your Netflix Machine was in contrast to the chilly room. Well, 3 hours of To Catch a Predator in, and sure, your old 2011 Dell dinosaur is going to be a little mad at you. I've got to do something today. Anything. 

Week 3 of your quarantine is coming to a close and on this breezy LA Thurs-Fri-Turday (who the hell knows anymore) you can feel the last tendrils of your sanity escaping with the setting sun. It just doesn't stop setting. And rising. And setting. And rising. Tortuously slow some days and before you can even get out of bed the next. Not that you get out of bed much.

Alright. That's it. I'm gonna do something. I have to. It's time to make some art, bake some cookies, go for a run, tell someone around me how much I value them, topple the patriarchy. I am going to get up and do something with my life and damned if I get in my own way again. I am unstoppable. I am formidable. I am inevitable. 

Rising from your rumpled bed clothes with the steadfastness of a slightly anemic Viking (whoa I’m woozy, I shouldn't have stood up so fast. Shit, when's the last time I ate?) you cross to the large bay window that faces the street. You throw your curtains open, ready to face the day, only to be faced with… stars starting to twinkle at you out of the inky blackness. Dammit. I'm gonna have to defeat systemic oppression tomorrow. 

Squinting from behind your glasses, you see that the stars are not stars at all but helicopters blinking down at you. You haven't seen real stars since your trip to Big Sur last summer. Although you moved to LA when you were 7, you have vague recollections of the Korea that you loved as a young child. Your parents had picked up and moved to the States after years of struggling through VISA's and citizenship red tape. Your mom and dad had originally meant to get married and have you in the US. The land of opportunity. 

You now chafed slightly under that blanket of opportunity as you are far too aware of the responsibility you have been given to make the absolute most of it. From the ripe old age of 8 you had been conditioned to follow your dreams to their fullest. As long as those dreams were to become a doctor, lawyer, or marry a CEO. Your parents cared about you greatly and you knew that. They only want security for you, happiness comes from security. Now 25, you can't quite remember the last time their overbearing nature had been quite this...potent. You were in your final year of medical school at USC and there was nowhere to run.  It was time for you to begin your foray into the 'real world' of residency. The same post-undergrad 'real world' that you had watched all of your non-premed friends crash land into. They had all distanced themselves from you, both figuratively and literally; intentionally and inadvertently. Divorced, Beheaded, Died: Divorced, Beheaded, Survived. You had watched you friends get married, have kids, sabotage marriages, buy houses, do well, do poorly. And here you were in some kind of bubble both safe and isolated from all of the uncertainty beyond the classroom. 

Jokes on you, Jessica, now we're all screwed, you find yourself thinking for the upteenth time over the past month. You had been watching the Coronavirus since December and knew exactly what was to come. You did all that you were capable of as a not-quite certified medical professional and tried to convince people of the reality of the threat, convince them not to panic, and to exercise a reasonable level of preparedness. Well, that didn't work. You found yourself sunk into a deep well of frustration and futility at the action and inaction that was being exhibited throughout the States. For the first weeks of quarantine you found yourself glued to your phone, helplessly watching the tragedy unfold and the stupidity that was ensuing. By week 2 your empathy had burnt out and you knew you couldn't watch that world anymore. K-drama's it is. After completely obliterating Crash Landing on You, Itaewon Class, and rewatching Descendants of the Sun for the eighth time just because it's so. damn. cute!, your parents started to get a little concerned. 

Your stomach growled and you realize you, in fact, haven't eaten since early this morning. As you consider what the consequences of emerging from your cave of a bedroom might have, you resign yourself. Five minutes later you are hovering in the kitchen with a bowl of leftover whateverthefuck in hand, you turn to see both of your parents at the bar stools staring at you with a look of concern that you haven't seen in years. Shit, I keep forgetting, they think I'm functional.  Your parents had shipped you off to Health Careers College Prep school, a boarding school in Sacramento, when you were 16. Upon graduation there with your high school diploma, nurses aid, and dental hygienist's certificates, you immediately started at USC premed. You hadn't lived at home since your Jonas Brother's phase. As much as your parents loved you, they didn't really know you. This had been overwhelmingly obvious when the USC campus closed and you returned home to open arms and your bedroom frozen in the clutches of 2009. Your parents had welcomed you home with tearful hugs and a new gift for your room. I know how much you love that Kevin- boy. And your room is so old. Come. Come. Already wary and wondering who the hell is Kevin? you allowed yourself to be led to your old room and set your bags down with a deadened thump. You tried so hard not to laugh, You really did.  They're trying so hard. But like, Where did they even find this monstrosity? You had been staring up at the largest poster of Kevin Jonas that you had ever seen every night for 3 weeks and it was starting to get to you. 

Regardless of the decor (purple fuzzy lamp shade included), there were so many parts of living at home that were so foreign to you.  Although everything was completely the same, you were worlds different and it was disorienting. Your bed seemed smaller, the walls shorter, the colors dimmer. Everything that made that house your home was still there, only you had changed. It was like you were in a coma and had just woken up, the rest of the world unchanged but with 10 more years under your belt. Your therapist would tell you that you were reverting into a childlike state because of trauma and surroundings. Hush, Mollie, I don't need that right now. I need food. 

Food was honestly what was keeping you sane and civil. Your parents own a pho shop just down the street that was still taking carry out and delivery orders for pho, crawfish, whatever they had lying around. You had been helping out in the kitchen and with deliveries since you had been home. As freeing as the drives have been, you really come alive in the kitchen. You had been watching your mom make pho and dumplings for years and although she sent kimchi to your apartment every month or so, you missed your moms cooking. And her kitchen. You immediately took to cooking just like you had when you moved off of USC campus and into an apartment with some friends. You had 12 burners! That all worked! A convection oven! Two of them! Kitchen Aid's! You had no problem opening up shop at 8am every morning to prep the dough and get the stock boiling and all of the other things that her mother and father had been doing for the past 20 years. 

Returning to your room after rinsing out your bowl and chopsticks, and exchanging goodnight's with your parents you sit on your bed and tell yourself to go to bed. You have to be up at 7am for the kitchen. You need to chop scallions for the pork and chive dumplings so it has time to coagulate. Come on, Go to bed. No phone. It was a pitiful attempt, really. You had been pulling med-school grade all-nighters since your junior year of high school and nothing was stopping you now. Turning on your side for easy access to your charger, you plug your phone and coast through Instagram, Youtube, Twitter, Tinder for an indeterminate amount of time before your eyes start to get heavy. Instagram was just filled with all of your peers from USC recklessly meeting up with friends for picnics and drives and all of the other things they thought they were free to do because they were young and healthy and beautiful. Fuck off. Youtube provided a lovely escape from the actual outside. Mikey Chen showed you around TaiPei's street food scene, Binging with Babish gave you a new hand pulled noodle recipe to try, Bon Appetit made you glad you weren't Claire Saffitz. Tinder was a joke but an adequately funny one. Instead of your bog standard USC fuckboi's you were able to talk to fuckboi's from Korea, Dubai, Indonesia, Guatemala, Brazil. How fun. You had downloaded it 6 months prior after yet another guy in your department was just 'too busy, i'm sorry' to make the date that you had planned. You generally tried to avoid Twitter as it was just an echo chamber of panic and 24 hour news cycles and didn't do much for your anxiety. See, Mollie? I'm being smart. 

You flick open the little bird app and scroll for just a minute. A particular notification picques your attention. Jae tweeted. Well, Day6 tweeted, but we all know who runs their twitter. Your throat tightens with nerves as the post loads. You worry about him more than you'd like to admit but with tours cancelled and travel suspended, you know how hard it can be for people whose livelihoods revolve around entertainment and travel. The post loads and you let out a sigh of relief to see Jae surrounded by his band mates and smiling. Brian starts speaking Korean and delivers his message about their newly acquired tiktok. Brian gestures for Jae to speak and Jae delivers the same message in English. Ah, he went back to blonde. It looks good on him. Wait is he- oh god, he's wearing a crossbody fanny pack. Jae, you're old. Stop. Shifting to get more comfortable, you let the video loop a few times before closing the app. Jae's okay. You roll over onto your side and set your phone to the side. Jae's voice echoes through your ears for the next few minutes but you resolve yourself against it. I'm not getting fucking tiktok. I'm a grown ass woman. That app is for 12 year olds. And Jae. Resolved, you burrow into your Jonas brothers duvet cover for the night. 

Sweating and on the verge of tears, you wake with a start. The dream was already slipping from your consciousness with a blessed haste but the uneasy feeling that the nightmare gave you seemed to coat the inside of your skull and taint it's entire contents. A thin light filters through your still open window and your eyes creak open. Morning? Sure, why not? Rolling over, you flick open your phone and are greeted by an all too unfamiliar, 5:17am. It's too damn early. Even for you. You still have an hour or so to kill before you have to get up but you didn't fancy the idea of trying to go back to sleep after that dream. Propping yourself up on a few of the approximately 67 pillows that litter your twin sized bed, you open your phone. 3 new emails from USC congratulating you on your graduation and asking for some documentation of something or another or evaluation of some class you hadn't thought of in weeks. Skip. 2 emails from residencies that you had applied to before the coronavirus urging you to reapply in the fall. Great. You couldn't even bring yourself to feign concern over the missed opportunity. 1 email from Twitter informing you that Jae had tweeted. Again. You follow the link to another video of his side project EaJ. You had been following his new releases and you were surprised by the tenderness and vulnerability that they showed. He was always such a funny guy, it was the only side that he really showed much to the media. Sure, fans got glimpses at concerts, but not many knew just how deep the well ran in that man. 

Today's Tuesday, apparently. The next episode of How Did I Get Here? comes out today. I'll have something to listen to while I food prep. You never admitted to yourself how pleased you were when he started the podcast. You missed hearing his voice on a regular basis. Hollered up into your window, whispered between giggles in the back-most church pew, hurled across crowded hallways. Of course, the voice was different than it is now. Pocked by pubescence and the LA accent, you remember a far squeakier Jae. He was the first person you met when you moved into the neighborhood at 7 years old. He was 9 so of course, he took it upon himself to show you exactly where you could and couldn't go and what taco trucks would give out fare for free to little kids on weekends.  You remember those years fondly as finally having the big brother you never had. Skinny Bone Jones, you called him. He stood up for you when the kids in middle school called you smelly for bringing kimchi in your lunch. He called you smelly just for being you. He was well liked in school and by extension so were you. You had the cool big brother. You were more than happy to play second fiddle and be his backup. Tagging along to parties, helping him record his yellow post-it note covers on Youtube, letting him know when his hair looked stupid.

 And so it stayed until Jae actually made it on KPop Star. As much as you loved him, you didn't think he would ACTUALLY make it. Sure, he could sing. He had a beautiful voice but that wasn't enough. The boy danced like a drunk chicken and was 6ft tall and 120lbs soaking wet. He didn't even know Korean. What was he thinking? He was thinking he was going to prove you wrong. And he did. You watched as Skinny Bone Jones transformed into Park Jaehyung with a perfect balance of immense pride and terror. You knew you wouldn't lose your friend entirely but during his trainee days he had very limited access to the outside world, and you just weren't a priority. Honestly,  you would've been offended if you had been. He has a mom, dad, an older sister, bandmates, college. It only makes sense that the steady stream of communication turned into a trickle. It wasn't until Every Day6 that you were more of an insistent presence in his life. You burrowed your way back into his inbox with the tenacity of the annoying little sister that you were. You were worried. You watched him on After School Club and in the deluge of content that Day6 was serving their slowly growing fanbase. He looked tired. You once again rekindled your relationship but it was different now. Instead of you leaning on him for social support, you became his confidant. He was struggling. Burnt out, and questioning so many things, he didn't want to go to his bandmates because he didn't want them to worry. His parents would pull him immediately if they knew exactly how rough his condition was, his 'friends' from college had proved fake. He now had Alpha Phi Omega blocked because they wouldn't stop asking for favors: Day6 tickets, Twice merch, Got7 tickets. He felt alone but you reached out and he was able to lean on you. The trials passed and he was happier than ever and Day6's growing popularity meant good things for his lobster funds. 

You stayed in contact over the years and shared with each other the going on's of your lives. You had even managed to go to the Gravity World Tour date in LA. Jae got you backstage and you were able to meet the rest of his bandmates that you had heard so much about. It was an act of God that you managed to keep your composure. I mean sure, he's just Jae but you're still backstage at a concert for the first time! Your cheeks still redden when you remember how Jae caught you ogling at YoungK. Heart in your throat, and voice barely above a whisper YoungK had walked directly over to you and asked what you were doing backstage. After a solid 15 seconds of pointing listlessly at your Press badge and making just the strangest of noises that were meant to approximate speech, Jae finally caught wind and rushed over, knocking your sense back into you and introducing you to the members. 

Oh! Y/N! It's so nice to finally meet you! Jae talks about you all the time, I'm so glad you were able to make it! Your cheeks inexplicably reddened further to a violent shade of pink but the boys slowly defanged themselves in your mind. They're truly lovely people and you're glad Jae has them. That being said, you still can't quiiiite look Brian in the eyes and Jae thinks it's hilarious. 

The Gravity tour feels like ages ago as you shrug on some jeans and a tee shirt for your walk to the shop. August 2019 at the Novo may have only been 8 months ago but it seems like a different reality. The Novo will be closed for the forseeable future and concerts are cancelled. That stings but not as much as the radio silence from Jae. First it was his tour schedule that rendered communication difficult and now the virus. You know he's busy and it's been a weird few months for the entertainment industry, but a 'Hey I'm alive.' would be nice. From his podcasts and twitter you've been able to keep some thread attached but you feel it stretching thin as the months stretch on. You really don't want to be annoying. You're sick of feeling like a fan. Yeah, you support Jae and Day6 and would call yourself a MyDay, but that's not all you are. You know him. You dragged him through the mud when he convinced you to try sledding down a muddy hill on a trash can lid. You set up his camcorder for his covers when he still had that stupid swoopy hair. You posed as his angry girlfriend when a crazy fan wouldn't leave him alone.  You're starting to feel like just a fan and not a friend and it's only exacerbated by the glee that you feel when you get the notification from dive studios that How Did I Get Here? has updated. I miss my friend. 

Not bothering to flip the sign on the front door from closed to open, you shoulder open the front door of the shop after fumbling with the keys. Tying an apron securely around your waist, and flicking on your noise cancelling headphones to a comforting thrum, you wash your hands and begin to chop the largest pile of scallions you've ever seen. Crunching through the pile, you start Jae's podcast and everything is gone but him. You can almost imagine him in the room with you, perched on the counter talking your ear off about the Mandela effect or how weird elbows are or something equally as ridiculous. Today he's talking about soul mates. As you listen to him joke and banter and pontificate, your eyes well up. It's just the scallions. You know damn well it's only partially the scallions. You miss Jae. And you're in the middle of a pandemic. And your family barely knows you. And you're not sure if you even want to be a pediatric oncologist. Fuck. Jae's words turn into white noise in your ears as you toss your headphones to the side and place the knife on the butchers block, perhaps more aggressively than necessary. You pause the podcast and let yourself sit in the feeling. You're lonely and sad. See Mollie? I'm letting myself feel things. Making room for every emotion. You cast your mind around and recall all of the little wounds that prick a little too deep today. You feel a squeeze in your abdomen and your eyes shoot open wide. Shit, my period. I've got to be PMSing. Even Jae recognized the trend in your emotions before you did. The week before your period, you were notoriously mushy and weepy and indulgent. Well, that's one mystery solved. I'll be okay. Mollie's voice echoed through your brain with her familiar argument that hormones only heighten the emotional distress, not fabricate it. These feelings are valid and aren't fake just because you're hormonal. You steadfastly ignore that point, wipe your eyes, and pull your headphones back on. You finish up the pile of scallions and a few other morning chores before the podcast ends. It's Jae's sign off that sends the bowl of mandu filling that you were holding clattering to the floor. "I'm coming to you from my childhood home, so if the audio is a little finnicky… blame Byron." Jae's home.

…

After sweeping up a pound of pork, beef, mirin, soy sauce, and chives and disposing of it, you stare at your phone- hands shaking slightly. Jae. What the fuck. You rip off your apron and your mind races. Should I call him? Should I go see him? I can’t believe he’s right here. 2 houses down. Fuck. Your rational brain knows that it’s okay to feel excited about Jae being home. But the sneaky little bitch that lives in the back of your brain is telling you that if he wanted to hear from you, he would’ve called. You feel a little bit of yourself fragment at that, but you push it to the side. You open up your phone and slide over to his contact in your phone. What greets you is your last text conversation.

Jae: I’m so glad you had fun, Y/N! But if you ever look at Brian like that again, I might have to put a ban on you at our concerts. His head was way too big.

Y/N: Look at him like what?! I didn’t do anything and you know it! 

Jae: Of course you’re didn‘t. You totally weren’t drooling over my bassist. 

Y/N: Fuck off.

Jae: Gladly, love. ;)

8 months ago. Sure you’d DM’d quite a bit since then and called a few times. But it just seemed so sparse. You don’t want him to just humor you. You’re an adult and perfectly capable of being alone. You’re not going to text him just yet. 

You finish up your morning chores and head back to your house, pausing for perhaps just a little too long in front of the sandstone house with the tan shutters and shoes out front. You knew that house so well. You knew how much weight the tree outside the upstairs bedroom window could hold. You knew where the kimchi refrigerator was tucked away in a back corner of the garage. You knew there was a blonde boy in there that you wanted nothing more than to run inside and get a hug from. 

You shower and let the hot water run over you, hoping it will relax the knotted up muscles in your back. It’s not like I can go see him anyway. We’re in quarantine. He probably just got back to LA and just hasn’t gotten the chance to-. You run the same conversation over and over in your head until you can’t take it anymore. You need someone else’s voice in your head. Curling into your covers, you sigh and go to the App Store. A few short minutes later and you hate yourself more than you ever have. Tiktok. Here we go. You watch the video of Day6 introducing themselves to the social networking platform once, twice, three times until your eyes start to ache. All of a sudden you’re met with a new post that pings up. Your breath catches in your throat as you see Jae standing in his living room, attempting to keep up with Amber Liu’s dance challenge. You can’t help but giggle as he flails to the left, to the right, oversized black hoodie always falling into his face. BM would be proud. Express not impress. You find yourself shocked at the weight that he’s gained. He looks healthy and happy. You remember the conversations in middle school about how much he hated being skinny. The evenings in the weight room in high school. Failed doctors appointments. He looked good before but you see that in recent months his chest has been swelling and not just with pride. His shoulders sit a little bit broader than you ever remember in the past and you’re happy for him. Good for you, Jae. 

You like the tiktok and let it loop a few more times before sighing heavily and opening your messaging app.

Y/N: I got TikTok for you, ya little shit. 

You chuckle but leave the text unsent. You’ll think of something better later. You toss your phone to the side in the face of the mountain of laundry on your bed that needs to be taken care of. As you hang the last of your shirts, your phone pings. You pick it up to a notification from Jae.

Skinny Bone Jones: Language! 

Skinny Bone Jones: Do you think Amber approves? 

You feel a flare of indignation wash through your limbs at the mention. Apparently it had sent. Oh well. As the thrill of a reply ebbs out of you, it is replaced by a rising indignation. How dare you?! Not tell me you’re in town and pretend like you didn’t?! Really?! 

Y/N: I don’t really care what Amber thinks.

Maybe that was a little snippy. You love Amber, truly. But how can he have time for TikTok but not me?

Skinny Bone Jones: Yeah? Do you still care what I think? 

Your heart catches in your throat. So he’s caught on that you’re pissed. 

Skinny Bone Jones: Y/N, can I call you? 

You swipe up to the phone icon and call him on auto pilot. Talk to me, Jae.

“Y/N?” you hear Jae’s voice.

“Jae.” Your voice comes out whispier than you meant it to. You try again.

“Jae! How are you?”

“Oh, y’know, just got off a plane that smelled like bleach and got to my house that isn’t really my house anymore, left my guitar to be sanitized, was “strongly encouraged” to make a TikTok by my company, and then got my head bit off by my best friend. Just quarantine things.” There is a touch of acid in his voice but Jae mostly sounds tired. Your empathy comes surging back and you sigh.

“I’m sorry Jae. I just- I didn’t know you were in town until I listened to your podcast this morning. I was a little hurt that you didn’t call or anything.” 

“Look, kid. I just got home. I’m a diva. You know I require at least an 18 hour period of naps and boba to function properly. I’m a KPop Star now.” You laugh at the callback to your irate spiel a few years ago about how fame had changed him and he was a diva and  just ‘wasn’t the Jae you knew’ anymore. It wasn’t his fault he was allergic to everything and turned down all of your food suggestions.

“Jae, you’ve been a diva since day one.” You quip back, tension resolving as you fall back into a familiar playful banter. 

“And don’t you forget it, Y/N.” There's a slight pause before Jae continues, 

“This diva is really sorry he didn’t call you. It’s just been a lot the last few days. The tour just got cancelled. And our album comes out in a few days. Our team has been going crazy trying to figure out how we’re supposed to publicize in this climate and I just-“ 

“Jae. Chill. When I preordered mine last week, it was the most popular album on the site. It’s gonna sell. Don’t worry too much.” There’s a beat of silence in which you can hear the air whoosh out of Jae’s lungs.

“You-You preordered Demon?” Jae sounds shocked but endeared at your admission and you laugh. 

“Of course? I’m really pumped to hear that sexy, soothing voice of Wonpil’s. Maybe I’ll even get a Dowoon photo card this time! I keep getting Jae ones in my other albums and I give them to my little cousin.” This isn’t entirely true. You have 3 of Young K, 2 of Dowoon, and 1 each of Wonpil and Sungjin. You’ve been waiting for a Jae photocard for ages. You would die before you told him that, though.

“You little shit. If you don’t want to see my face, why are you following Day6 on TikTok?” Jae ribs back.

“Brian. Duh. He’s fine as hell.”

“Yah! Haven’t you found a boring ass Orthopedic surgeon or some shit, yet? Why do you have to terrorize me like this?” 

“Why? Haven’t you found a Twice member that’ll marry you yet, Skinny Bone Jones?”

“I’ll have you know, I gained 10 pounds the past 8 weeks! I’ll be big as BM soon!” You can picture the expression of childlike pride in his face even if you can’t see it. 

“You look really good, Jae. I’m proud of you. You’ve been working really hard.” The sudden sincerity catches the both of you off guard and you clear your throat.

“Thanks, Y/N. That means a lot.” A comfortable silence is followed by a lengthy conversation recounting the previous weeks, the various states of the other members, your own eviction from college, and the status of the shop. 

“You know, Y/N, if you or your family need anything I’m more than happy to help. I mean I know how hard it can-“ You cut him off before he can go any further.

“We’re okay Jae, honest. I know you’d be good for it but we don’t need anything right now. Business is good at the pho shop and we’re okay.” 

“Okay, okay. Just know I’m here.”

“I mean NOW I do, no thanks to youuu,” you wheedle, whining about his failure to let you know he was in town. 

“Come on, Y/N, I said I was sorry!” He laughs but you can hear the desperation of sincerity in his voice.

“I know, Jae. I’m just kidding. I just really missed you.” 

“I missed you too Y/N.”

You get off the phone upon the realization that you needed to go to the shop and prep for the dinner deliveries. Sometimes you abhorred that you were “essential”. You run downstairs and tell your parents the good news about Jae and inform them you’ll be back soon. 

“I know you’re excited, Y/N, but remember we can’t be going and visiting people like that. Only essential work.” You roll your eyes slightly but assure them that you know. As if you hadn’t been telling them the same thing for weeks. I had to convince you not to go play mahjong in the park, eomma. You might be excited, but you’re not stupid. 

You had just started filling the mandu when you hear the bell over the door chime. Pardon me, are you stupid? We've been closed for weeks, why do you think it would be okay to just walk in? You wipe your hands on your apron and start to walk to the counter.

"Hello? I'm sorry, we're only open for call-in deliveries." You round the corner and lift your head from your hands to see the form of the gangliest, tallest, loveliest man you've ever seen in your life.

"Special delivery." Jae remarks smoothly, arms open wide in invitation and head cocked to the side as if he was bracing himself for the crash landing that was to come.

"Jae!" you yell, and launch yourself from behind the counter and into his arms. His arms fold around you and everything else melts away. Your face burrows against his chest and you inhale. He smells like home and cinnamon. You can feel tears welling up in your eyes with the tide of emotions that wash over you. Jae's hand cups the back of your head into him and he hugs you just as tightly as you hug him. You press yourself into him with everything you have and in the deafening silence and warmth all that you can think is I love you.

"Y/N" He whispers, not loosening his grip on you.

"Mmph." you respond weakly.

"My shirt's wet." You jump back from him a bit and see that he's correct. Your eyes are leaking. All over his white shirt. Oops.

"Oh! I'm-I'm sorry." You laugh a bit and swipe at your eyes before patting at his shirt in futility.

"It's okay, love. Come here." He welcomes you back into his arms and you wrap your arms over his neck this time. 

"I missed you." You whisper, voice cracking a bit. 

"I know you did." You jump back from him. Bitch.

"Hush. I missed you too, you idiot. Why else would I be standing here right now?"

You cast your eyes around in a panic. He's here. He's right here. In the store. Here. He shouldn't be here. He should be in quarantine with his family. You're unessential to him. 

Sensing the realization in your eyes,  he pushes past you, walking to the back and puts on the latex gloves hidden behind the counter. 

"I figured it was about time to get a 'real job' like everyone keeps telling me to." He smiles smugly and picks up the knife to start chopping the bok choy. You stand there in shock for one second, two seconds, three seconds until you realize he’s about to cut his fingers off. 

“Jae! Stop!”

“Look, Y/N, I don’t care what you say, I’m going to do this. I want to help. And I’ll be damned if I’m not allowed to see you in the time I’m finally here-“ 

“No, Jae. Stop. I know I can’t argue with you. I’d be thrilled if you’d work with me. But Brian is gonna kill me if I let you cut your damn hands off.” 

“I… what?” 

“You’re a guitarist Jae. We can’t have you cutting off your pretty little fingers. And if you keep chopping it like that, that’s exactly what you’re going to do.” 

Jae looks down at his hands and stretches his fingers wide as if considering them for the first time. 

“Pretty?” 

You roll your eyes, but unbidden, your eyes are still trained on his hands. They really are pretty. 

“Just. Let me show you.” You show him how to tuck his knuckles up against the blade and chop in smooth rocking motions so as not to take off his fingertips. 

You work in relative silence for the next hour, packaging meals and portioning combos as your mom and dad peek in and out to pick up the orders. You can feel a warmth flowing through you as you take in your surroundings. The loneliness of the past weeks leeches out of you and dissipates into the warm atmosphere, homey smells, and murmur of conversation. It’s almost as if your limbs wake up bit by bit, like a tree waking up after a long frigid winter. You feel yourself stretch and shine and the bubbles of contentment flow through you. By the time the last combo is out the door, you find it really difficult to take the smile of your face. 

Jae seemed to be in the same boat. On more than one occasion you caught him staring at you. Every time you caught him he just shook his head and laughed in that infuriating way of his. But you really couldn’t be irritated at him. It was impossible. He was your happy fairy, even if you wanted to kick him in the shins every two minutes for saying something dumb. Mom and dad said goodnight to Jae in the same way they have been since he was 10. “Tell Mrs.Park I say hello and don’t be a stranger.” Right after they leave and you’re washing the last dish, while Jae sits on the counter telling you about production for Day6’s new album, the phone rings. Before you can tell Jae not to answer it, he’s already taking the man's order. Fine. One more can't hurt. You weren’t anxious to end this day and return to bed alone, so you welcome the post-closing distraction. Cobbling together a plate from the leftovers you were about to bring home, you grab your keys and beckon Jae to follow you. 

“No need to bug mom and dad, we can take this one.” 

As you walk outside toward where your little yellow bug is parked, you feel Jae move behind you. You can feel his body close to yours and you stiffen instinctually. You’re not used to skinship anymore and you can feel the blood in your veins carbonate as Jae’s breath ghosts across the back of your neck. You stop dead in your tracks, eyes wide, flush creeping up your neck as you feel his hands- those damn hands- ghost along the side of your left arm. You squeak when his fingers brush against the back of your hand, lacing his fingers with yours. Your world spins. Fuck is he holding my hand? Do I want this to happen? He’s so close to me. Can he hear my heartbeat? 

“Jae-“ you begin to say, with absolutely no idea as to where the statement would go after. 

Luckily you don’t have to think of any sort of decisive move because Jae immediately snatches the keys from your now limp left hand with a cackle, running ahead to the car. 

“I’m driving!” You little fucking- oooh! 

You’re thankful for the cool evening breeze and dim street lights or you were sure to get a ribbing for the blazing red cheeks that you were sporting. You climb into the passenger's seat with the food on your lap and do your best to sink into invisibility. It doesn’t work. You’re convinced that he can hear your brain jackhammering away at the night's events. 

Did I want that to happen? Did that happen? He was so close to me. He felt so warm and the way he touched me. Running your hands over your arm, you could feel his touch like it had raced a burning path down your whole left side. Do I… like Jae? 

You glance over at him now and again as he puts the car in drive and begins the route to the destination. Jae, of course, is jabbering away about how everything has changed since he’s been gone and, “Omigod, is that ANOTHER pinkberry?” You find yourself nodding along passively while actively trying to figure out what the hell was going on in your brain. Much like his podcast, his voice became white noise by which you asked yourself questions you weren’t sure you wanted the answers to. Of course I love him. But do I like, like him? Never in your life have you felt more like a horny, confused teenager but as you glance over and watch Jae with one hand on the steering wheel, wind blowing through his hair, you know one thing for sure- Jae isn’t a kid anymore. And he isn’t your brother. 

It isn’t until you pull into a neighborhood about 10 minutes later that you remember that you’re here on a delivery. Yanking yourself from your reverie, but with unease still firmly lodged in your thoughts, you address the task at hand. 

“Jae, where are we?” 

“Uhhhh, 3051 Driver Rd.” 

Driver Road. You know this neighborhood but you can’t quite place where. If your previous safari into your possible romantic interest in Jae wasn’t jarring enough, you feel panic rising through your system like so much bile. Why do I know this neighborhood? Jae, unaware of any turmoil on your part, pulls up to the house in question and when your headlights wash over the yard your heart sinks into your throat. You’re going to be sick. 3051 Driver Rd. This is where Sean lives. 

You had met Sean Avery in your sophomore year of premed and had fallen head over heels in love with him. He was tall, attractive, ambitious, and he wanted you. You were star struck. It wasn’t until a year of ‘dating’ later that you unearthed the whole messy truth of his long string of side pieces and general douchebaggery. If that wasn’t enough, in the past year you heard the report of him almost catching a case with a high school senior in the area. You knew now that he was nothing but a predator and a coward. You had managed to avoid him since your explosive breakup but now it seemed you had very little choice.

“Sean fucking Avery” you seethe in the seat next to Jae. 

“What did he do to you?” Jae asked, taken aback by your sudden vitriol. 

“Shit, that wasn’t in my head was it?” Jae laughs a bit but sobers up quickly at your expression.

“Y/N you look really pale, are you okay? I don’t know your history with this guy but hey, you don’t have to deliver this. I’ll do it. Don’t you worry, love.” Jae places his hand on the top of your head and ruffles your hair a bit in an attempt to be comforting. The attempt helped. Your heart pricks up a bit at Jae’s term of endearment but it feels more deadened than it should. You’re sick of feeling like this. Of letting Sean steal your joy from you. It’s been too long for that shit. Pulling yourself together a bit, you shake yourself out of your head and steel yourself. 

“No, Jae, I’ve got this.” Jae looks at you with slight concern but shrugs nonetheless.

“Alright, well, I’m going with you okay? This dude really must’ve done a number on you if this is your response. And I’d like to see the bastard.” Jae’s eyes glinted with something dangerous that you’ve never seen in him before and it causes the same fire in you to spark. Let’s do this. 

With Jae by your side, you march up to the door with the delivery order and set it on the front steps. The doorbell is deafening in the still night and you have to remind yourself to breathe. You jump as the door swings wide and a pathetic looking man sporting a robe and a beer belly peeks from the inside. All of the breath that had been waiting in your lungs released and you feel your head go a little bit light with the realization that this was the man that you were in love with. 7 years later, gone was the debonair gentleman who could sweep you off your feet. In his stead stood a balding, fat, stiff man in boxers and a moth eaten robe. He grunts in acknowledgment of  the presence of other humans but it’s obvious that the Neanderthal hasn’t recognized you. He retrieves his food and goes fumbling in his robe pocket for his wallet. He fishes out a card and hands it to you. You take it from him and process the payment. 

Declined.

“Sorry, Sean, your card- it declined.” 

He huffs and makes a sound in the back of his throat that you can only describe as gross as you hand it back to him.

“It what!? What do you mean declined?” He stumbles forward a few steps and you automatically flinch backward into Jae. Jae’s hand comes up to your shoulder to ground you, a reminder that he’s still there. Sean’s movement wafts a smell of body odor and brown liquor. He always was a mean drunk. You decide to cut your losses while you can and keep the transaction as minimal as possible. No games.

“Your card, Sean, it declined. Do you have an alternate form of payment?” Sean whips open his wallet and roots around for a minute before retrieving a few crumpled up bills. He extends the cash but before you can swap his card for cash, his arm whips back. Looking at you sideways, suspicion drips from his slurred speech,

“How do you know my name?” 

Shit. Fuck. Dammit. 

You watch helplessly as the cogs turn in his inebriated brain and recognition washes over his face.

“Y/N! It’s you! What do you want from me now, bitch? Trying to take my money now too? Get out of here!” His voice steadily rises in volume and you can feel the walls of your panic closing in on you. Suddenly Jae steps in front of you, arm outstretched to the belligerent man. 

“You’re talking to me now. You’re done with her.” Jae holds himself with a confidence that you had only seen from him onstage. 

“Just pay for the food and we’ll be going.”

“And who the fuck are you?” Sean spits back, as if Jae were something distasteful that he had found on the bottom of his shoe.

“I’m Jae. Y/N’s boyfriend. Now I’d really love to take Y/N home tonight before it gets too much later. So if you can just pay for your meal, we’ll get going.”

Sean crumples up the bills and throws it into Jae’s chest. 

“Good luck with that bitch, kid. You’re gonna need it.” And with that he retreats inside and slams the door shut behind him. 

Jae immediately rushes to your side and wraps you in a big hug. Although similar in mechanics to the hug earlier that day, this one was far different in intent. You could feel it in his soul, that hug was meant to squeeze all of the fragmented pieces of you back together again and hold them until they stuck. You can feel your heartbeat slowing to match his and your breathing slowly regulates. 

Mollie is gonna have a lot of fun with this one.

Jae escorts you back to the car and there’s a thick silence that you can’t quite bring yourself to cut as he puts the car into drive. You know he is forming his own story of what happened between you and Sean in his head and you can’t tell if that’s better or worse than just reliving it and telling him the whole story- cops and testifying and court and all.

Once out of the neighborhood, Jae heaves a sigh and chuckles a bit. 

“Well he seemed lovely.” 

“Uh huh. He’s a real peach.” 

Jae looks over at you with an expression of dual concern and amused what-the-fucker-y. Did that really just happen? 

There is a beat of silence and solid eye contact before you both start cracking up. Unable to restrain yourself any further, you both dissolve into a kind of healing, deep belly laughter that shakes the entire car. Pulling up to your house, Jae throws the car into park and then turns to face you. 

“You don’t have to tell me anything, you know? It’s not my business. You’re my business. But asshats like him aren't. Just that I’m around to keep them away from you.” 

You sigh deeply, still recovering from the laugh attack, before giving him a brief bulleted list of the sheer shenanigans that Sean had pulled on you all those years ago. You watched as Jae’s face contorted over the course of the story, hardening into yet another study in fierceness that you were yet to see from him. 

“I really am okay, though Jae. He had me pretty fucked up for a little bit but honest, I’m okay. I did the therapy, I fought my battles. I just hadn’t done the last closure step of actually looking him in the eye and saying goodbye and good riddance. And I probably never would’ve if it weren’t for tonight.” You reach out and grab his hand instinctively. 

“Thank you, Jae. I really appreciate you doing that with me. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you.”

“You would’ve gotten your ass handed to you is what you would’ve done.” Jae states, deadpan.

“Jaeee!” You laugh, hitting him on the arm. 

“Oh, so now you can throw a punch? Okaaay, nice.” This little shit. 

Banter aside, Jae takes the key out of the ignition and gathers his things to get out of the car. As he closes the door, you hear him mutter “You need to pick better guys. You’re too great to end up with someone like that.” 

You don’t have any kind of answer to that, but you feel a lightness in your chest as his eyes burn into you. Jae walks you to your front door and all you can hear in your head is an echo of Jae’s declaration of “I’m Jae, Y/N’s boyfriend.” Is that what I want? 

You end up at your front door far too soon and the twinkling of the helicopters in the sky signals to you that it’s more than time for Jae to go home. Your heart sinks into your stomach at the thought of him leaving and you inwardly groan. 

Jae gives you one last hug goodnight and you know before he even releases you that this isn’t enough. Not even nearly. Your feelings, whatever they may be: love, like, general affection, haven’t been correctly quantified and expressed. This has been the best day you’ve had in months, and he was the deciding factor. You were grateful to have him there on your front door step, in his arms. But maybe, just maybe, if you’re able to express to him exactly how you feel about him in this moment, he’ll be able to help you out and translate exactly what this feeling means for your future together. Without thinking about it too much, you retreat from the hug and angle your face up to his so that your noses are almost touching. You sit like this for just a second. That sickening second that would allow him to retreat and tell you you’re an idiot for even thinking it. But he doesn’t retreat. Instead, your lips are brushing against one another in just the barest of whispers of a kiss. His lips are so soft. It’s over in an instant and as the chilly night air cuts between the two of you, you are all too aware of how disproportionately warm your face and neck have become. You smile up at Jae and he carries a similar, if not slightly more shocked, half smile. 

As if reading one another’s minds, you both understand that it’s wise to let one another think about the night's proceedings before any further rash decisions are made. In an attempt to preserve the spell of the night sky and the kiss and the chirping cicadas, neither of you say another word to one another but instead exchange content smiles that convey more than a goodnight ever could. With a slight bow of his head and a glide of his hand down the length of your arm, Jae walks backwards down your front steps and slips into the night, shaking his head slightly, trying and failing to conceal his smile. You watch him from the porch as he skips up to his house, before slipping into the warmth of your own home.

...

GIVE IT A LIKE IF YA LIKE

FEEDBACK IS MY LOVE LANGUAGE

[amphtaminedreams]

I Shopped at YesStyle So You Don’t Have To: Lookbook no.10

Hi to anyone reading,

And welcome to what I guess is my first “review” post of sorts! Which is basically an excuse for me to rave about Korean street style and ask why the fuck Seoul fashion week isn’t more of a big deal!? Though I’ve pretty much quit fast fashion over the last few months and have been getting my clothes from Depop, I did want to talk about the website YesStyle which I ordered from back in May (jfc, the fact that May was almost 4 months ago now is terrifying) and how impressed I was with their service and the clothes I received. It should go without saying from the fact that investing in someone with about 200 followers on here wouldn’t be a very good financial decision, but this isn’t a sponsored post-I just think that if you’re gonna order from anywhere, YesStyle is a good shout for those of you who, like myself, are inspired by East Asian street style. I have to give credit to the incredible Katie O, otherwise known as StealTheSpotlight on Youtube and Instagram; she’s the medium through which I’ve been introduced to the world of “k-fashion” and YesStyle in the first place. Yes, my current knowledge of k-pop doesn’t extend far past fan tendencies to flood every popular tweet with fancams of their favourite singers and girl groups (I admire the dedication), but through Katie’s content and Instagram accounts like TokyoFashion on Instagram,  I have come to the conclusion that the stylists behind these groups and Asian designers in general are owed a huge amount of credit by Western trend forecasters. If you have any Instagram account or blog recommendations with similar content please let me know! For now, I’m gonna give a run down of the pieces I ordered (most of which are still available), prices and sizing, and also a bit focussing on ethical concerns and what I could find out about their practices from my research.

DISCLAIMER: The photos used as backgrounds are mine. Yes, I’m in mourning over the fact that this time last year I was inter-railing, in case the ham-fisted insertion of touristy pics didn’t make that obvious. Remember when we could leave the country? When it didn’t feel like the world was ending? When everything didn’t seem to be going to absolute shit all at once? When there was a glimmer of hope that we wouldn’t spend the next 4 years being governed by the Conservatives here in Britain? Simpler times :-)

The Pieces

1. The Alizio V-Neck Camisole Top in White: £4.97, Size M

So, what you’re gonna get from the off here is that YesStyle’s prices seem ridiculously cheap, which is something I’ll address in the ethics section at the end of the post. For £4.97, you’d expect an ill-fitting SheIn/Zaful style number but I was so impressed by how flattering this top actually is. I was a size 8 and 32C for reference and my only complaint is that because the neckline has a slight plunge, it was a little awkward to wear with a t-shirt bra. You know, unless you’re into that cups poking out of the top kinda vibe that was a rite of passage for all British teenage girls going through puberty back in, like, 2009 when you wanted everyone to know you’d been on your first bra shopping trip to M&Co with your mum at the weekend. 

2. The Rhames High-Waist Plaid Mini Skirt in Purple: £9.12, Size M

Clueless being as iconic as it is, a plaid mini skirt is always going to be timeless and I know this is a piece I’m gonna be basing outfits around for a long time. It fit perfectly and is surprisingly good quality material; I was kind of expecting it to come in that super thin, semi-see through jersey that you get when you order from a lot of UK fast fashion sites, but a recurring feature of the clothes I picked out was that they were such good quality for the price and exactly as they appear online. I’ve found in the past that UK sites are deceptively canny with lighting and angles in that when the garment actually arrives (Boohoo in particular is a repeat offender in this regard) it’s a lot frumpier than it looks on the model. It seems to be common practice to pin back and temporarily alter the clothes during photoshoots to give the illusion that they’re a lot more fitted and structured than they actually are which ultimately just leads to disappointment when you try on the supposedly bodycon dress and resemble a sack of potatoes. Been there, done that. I worship the ground all carbs walk on but I don’t want to look like them. Should go without saying really. It’s nothing to do with size, but it’s just crappy tailoring and cutting corners on the brand’s part and that’s what irks me. I really appreciate that YesStyle has photos of “regular” people just wearing the clothes out rather than the outcomes of these overly edited, studio lit shoots that aren’t necessarily the most representative of how the garment is gonna look irl.

3. Nikiki Garter Belt: £5.59, One Size

As comfortable as garters come, I guess? I don’t have much experience with them tbh, lol. 2021 to do list, if we make it out of 2020 alive: try more garters.

4. Lucuna Floral Embroidered Cropped Cardigan in Almond: £15.61, One Size

Don’t get me wrong, this cardigan is adorable and there’s nothing misleading about the photo on the website. What I will say is that considering it only comes in one size, it’s pretty tight on the arms. I’m a size 6 right now and it’s really not like I’m ripped or anything (lol) so it’s safe to say that in terms of the Lucuna brand, their sizes come up very small. The cardigan wasn’t the only one size thing I purchased and whilst the others did fit, I think in general the fact that said “one size” is pretty much only suitable for UK sizes 4-8 is pretty shit. A few of the pieces had elasticated waistbands but in general in 2020, when we’ve come so far in the last few years with body positivity and being more inclusive of all sizes, to have a sample size that runs so small isn’t acceptable and this sizing issue is my biggest problem with the store. Though I recognise that YesStyle acts as an outlet for smaller East Asian brands (in this case Lucuna) and thus aren’t themselves responsible for the designs, more consideration should probably go into the harm that could potentially be done by stocking these supposedly “one size fits all” garments. Brandy Melville, I’m looking at you too. Your designs are cute but your lack of inclusivity is shitty.

5. Ohnana Ruffle Trim Strappy Cami Cropped Top in Purple: £5.01, Size M

I’m not as jazzed as I was about this top now it seems that everyone and their mother’s dog is selling it at an extortionate price on Depop but I will say that it’s also very flattering. Makes my strangely long torso look somewhat proportionate, which is nice. The material is pretty thin but it is for all intents and purposes a tank top and the price is reflective of that.

6. Sisyphi Plaid Shirt in Tangerine: £11.30, One Size

So the “one size” option strikes again, though this time with less vengeance-I would say this would be wearable up to size 12/14 so slightly better than with the cardigan.

7.  BBChic High-Waist Wide-Leg Jeans: £10.04, Size M

When it comes to these jeans, I only have good things to say. Like firstly, they make me feel like early 2000s Avril Lavigne AKA. my childhood icon/potential clone/queen of millennium grunge and an incarnation of Y2K fashion I can actually get behind. Secondly, they have an elasticated waistband, which is ALWAYS a good thing. Thirdly, they didn’t come up ridiculously long on me which I feared would be the case; I did wear the platform Filas with them but as you can see, it’s not like they’d be trailing over my feet even in flats. I’m somewhere between 5′3 and 5′4 for reference and usually go for petite in jeans  and trousers just to be on the safe side.

8.  HERMITAKH Ring Detail Halter Crop Top in Black: £5.15, Size M

I have only recently become a member of the itty bitty titty committee but even back when I shot this lookbook this halter actually fit! When it came to tops that necessitate going braless, I always had issues with finding pieces I didn’t feel were going to cause an unintentional free the nipple moment, but the fact that you can tie this top up at the neck and back yourself allows you to work out a fit that’s supportive for you. 

9. Puffie Lightning Print Straight-Cut Pants: £13.76, Size M

I’d wanted a pair of trousers like these for ages before I saw them on YesStyle but the ones I’d come across in the past were a bit extra for my hometown and typically cost more than they seemed to be worth. This pair lack the bulk that the original styles I came across had, which helps give them a more casual, laid back feel, though they are just as vibrant and substantial BUT there isn’t much give in them. They have the slightly baggy look I was going for however they aren’t elasticated on the waist so I recommend having a look at the guide that’s available next to the drop down box where you select the size you want.

 10. Alfie Mesh Long-Sleeve Top in Pink: £7.71, One Size

No, the Jennifer’s Body top isn’t from YesStyle, I’m sorry to disappoint. Go to RedBubble for that one! The considerably less exciting mesh top underneath however, is, and in spite of its relative mundanity (you can’t top Megan Fox as a man-eating demon) it does the job as a versatile staple piece. It’s one size but it does have a lot of stretch in it so would probably go up to about size 14 (not to say that’s great).

11. Barrash Harness Bag: £17.10, One Size

The harness vest is one of my favourite trends to come out of k-fashion and I wanted SO badly to pull this piece off (especially because it was one of the most expensive pieces I purchased from the site) but it was far too big for me even when I adjusted it and TBH...I don’t even know if it’s just the sizing? I kinda felt like a paranoid tourist with their bag on back to front and yeah...I don’t think that’s the desired effect. Here’s an example of how cool they CAN look from Seoul fashion week, and with that another example of why NYFW should lose its place in the “big 4″ to make room for SFW:

And just Blackpink just setting the standard for the utility wear trend in general:

12. Mikiko Short-Sleeved Blouse in White: £8.79, One Size

I appreciate that the website notes that the “one size” here runs small, however it does also say that a “base layer” is needed for under the shirt which I didn’t find was necessary at all. The fabric is quite thick and it genuinely looks like the kind of shirt you’d find tucked away in a vintage shop, cute af and will go with anything.

13. Closette Sleeveless V-Neck Vest in Black: £11.87, One Size

Again, I was really impressed with the quality of this jumper; it definitely looks like something you’d pick up in a uniform shop (though this one is probably cheaper because those shops are daylight fucking ROBBERY) but I can never get enough of that grungy school girl look. Blame St.Trinians. 

14. Niji Smile Pleated Plaid Skirt with Insert Shorts in Green: £9.12, Size M

This skirt might be my absolute favourite of the items I ordered on the sole basis that it comes with shorts built in underneath, like, WHY DON’T ALL MINI SKIRTS HAVE THIS!? Plus the shape and the bounce it has to it makes me feel ultra-feminine and effortlessly cute which I love. It didn’t even turn up crumpled! Which you’ve really got to admire considering half the clothes in my local H&M look like they’ve never got within 10 metres of an iron in their short lifespan. 

15. LINSI Elbow-Sleeve Print T-Shirt: £10.92, One Size

If I had to pick one more favourite piece, it would be this graphic top that I wore underneath a pink chiffon Ebay dress. It looks and fits exactly like the photos on the website and I have to restrain myself wasting a wear of it just lounging around the house because it’s also ridiculously comfy.

16. LINSI Plaid Straight-Cut Pants in Orange: Size M

These trousers are currently out of stock, however I will say that of everything I’ve ordered they’re probably the least comfy and on that basis I’m not sure if I’d buy them again. They look great and I will push myself to wear them for that reason but they’re the kind of itchy fabric that I rush to take off and swap for some pyjamas the moment I get into the house. That being said, I don’t know if this is an issue everyone will have because I am someone that is overly sensitive to fabrics so you might not even notice it, plus-stretchy waistband! Which is a plus for sure.

I was also very impressed by the accessories I ordered, which once again completely surpassed my quality expectations. Pretty much everything pictured here was under £5 apart from the shoulder bag which was closer to 10, and when you consider that the price of these is inflated at the moment because of the resurgence of the Y2K trend, this is still ridiculously cheap.

The prices are definitely a concern of mine because unfortunately, when products are this cheap there’s usually somebody being exploited down the line. Since I made this order in May, I’ve had a small slip up with a Motel Rocks order, but other than that have cut out fast fashion completely. I want to be as ethical a consumer as I can, and that’s something I considered before making this post; that being said, YesStyle, actually a Hong-Kong based company in spite of it being touted as the destination for k-fashion, was recognised as a "Caring Company" between 2014 and 2019 (I don’t think this has been updated for 2020 yet given the circumstances) by the Hong Kong Council of Social Service. From what I can find online, this award is given to Hong Kong companies that demonstrate good corporate citizenship and responsibility. Whilst this seems like reassuring information, like I said, I find it hard to believe that the production of clothes selling for these kinds of prices isn’t outsourced to low wage workers at some stage of the process. It’s a hard to know where to stand, because obviously the fast fashion industry DOES create jobs that people rely on to sustain themselves but at what point does the treatment of workers in developing countries negate the opportunities the industry provides here in the UK? “There is no ethical consumption under capitalism” and all that but shouldn’t we try to make a change where we can? I agree with the statement though at times it can come across like a deflection of individual responsibility. Plus there’s the environmental side of the debate-having to fly the garments over from the point of manufacture obviously takes a massive amount of fuel which it goes without saying is hugely detrimental to our planet. The sizing is also an issue; the average clothes size here in the UK is a 12, I believe, and yet a size medium seems to come up as about an 8. Asian sizes do tend to come up smaller in general but at the same time, if that’s the case, as an international retailer shouldn’t YesStyle at least address that somewhere on the site?

I don’t want to end on a negative note because compared to sites like Zaful, SheIn, and even UK based retailers such as Pretty Little Thing and Boohoo, YesStyle appears to be one of the better ones. The quality of their garments is incredible for the prices and I admire the transparency of having reviews for every product be so readily accessible. It’s also great to see that they have a section specifically addressing their response to the COVID-19 pandemic, AND  offer refunds to their customers for import fees. God, I don’t know why this isn’t something that more websites do? I will never forget being slapped with a £100+ invoice for a Dolls Kill (bleurgh) order I made once back in the more impulsive shopping days and all the Karen-y emails I sent back and forth. Import fees are understandable but international retailers should definitely make it clearer how these are calculated and give more of an indication of just how steep these fees might be if you’re making a large order. It almost seems disingenuous not to do so especially when said retailers most likely know that customers wouldn’t make these orders if they had an idea of what it would cost just to get access to the goods they’ve already paid for.

I won’t ramble on for much longer because there is so much important shit going on in the world right now and I don’t want to take up time that could be spent reading more valuable posts-with the shooting of Jacob Blake earlier this week, and the death of Chadwick Boseman earlier today (I can’t imagine the amount of mental and physical strength it takes to film all the movies he did back to back whilst dealing with colon cancer), the most important thing to do is listen to how black individuals are feeling and what they are thinking right now. I will keep an eye on my dashboard and retweet what I can. Thanks for reading. Even if you’re just here for the photos, I appreciate it! And I don’t know if I’ve said it before but please know that my messages are always open to anyone struggling, especially with everything that’s going on at the moment. I don’t claim to be a professional but I can always listen. Lots of love<3

Lauren x

[purplesurveys]

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did you basically waste your life in school, if the world ends in 2012? Yep, and I would’ve felt pretty deflated if the world really ended by then. Life hadn’t started looking up for me just yet, so if I looked back at what my life had been at that point it would just be shitty experiences at home and in school and I’d be sad that I never got to see it get better for me. yeah, i did. i don't believe in it though. do you? I didn’t but it was hilarious to jokingly hype it up. do you sing to songs in the car when you are alone? Yes. This is one of the two times I’m willing to belt out songs, which is why I miss driving these days. I haven’t been able to sing much lately. do you laugh at other people when they are alone in their car singing? No. I actually find it adorable when I catch someone on the road singing in their car alone, like I feel glad that they’re having a good time. have you every actually written a song? We’ve written songs for like grade school class exercises, but I haven’t done anything on my own.

the world will end in an hour. what do you do? Savor my last slice of cheesecake ever, wake up my parents to be with them, hug my dog, and have Gab on call. Either that or go to bed so I can sleep the end of the world away lol, I can’t decide right now. ever visited time's square? I have not. do you live in a place that is full of snow or only wishful, in winter? Wishful? I don’t know what you mean but we don’t have snow here. The nearest place to see snow is like South Korea probs. ever accidentally sent a text message to the wrong person ABOUT that person? Kind of? Back in 2009 (you know the year, so forgive the ancient technology I’m about to explain HAHA) my phone at the time didn’t have wifi or internet connection, but Twitter at one point allowed users to post tweets on their profile by texting it to a certain number Twitter designated for you so that’s how I tweeted whenever I didn’t have my laptop with me. Anyway one time I tweeted about my mom and accidentally sent the ‘text’ to her, but thankfully it was a neutrally toned tweet and not at all insulting haha. sorry if that was confusing:) what makes you relax? Not at all. Surveys make me feel very calm and relaxed, but if I’ve answered one too many and I still need some relaxation, YouTube is my backup. are you one of those camera whores? Nah I’ve always hated taking photos of myself. what is the longest amount of time that you have gone without sleep? I may have done 24-26 hours when I was a teenager but I can never pull that off and will never want to pull that off these days. are you tired of being alone? I’m tired of being at home. I think the feeling of being alone will always be comforting to me in one way or another. ever cried in public? Very rarely. I hate doing that, or involuntarily doing that. when was the last time you failed a test making a 20-or below? I think it was freshman year of high school when I scored something like 18/50 in an algebra class. It never happened again but I still struggled in that class throughout the school year. what color eyes does the person you are currently head over heels about have? Dark brown, like everyone I knowwwwwwwww. does the weirdest dream you have ever had involve your history teacher? No. That’s so oddly specific lmao. who might that be, anyways? I had various history teachers in both high school and college. d03z iiT b@hHt3R y3wH d@T ii R0t3 liiK3 diiz? it bothered me. I’m over it so I’m not as bothered anymore. Probably would have annoyed me if you showed this to me in 2009 though. how many christmas trees are in your home during the season? Just one. We don’t need more than that. do you remember the reason for the season or are you all for the presents? I’m very aware of the reason for Christmas, being raised Catholic, and my atheist butt constantly feels like an outsider or poser whenever I have to celebrate with my family hahaha. Overall, I’m more for the food served in the various family gatherings we attend than for the gifts. how many trophies do you own? Zero. have you ever played any sports that involve a ball bigger than a coconut? Nope. do you still watch cartoons? If I feel like being nostalgic I’ll watch SpongeBob sometimes but this doesn’t happen often. Generally though I don’t watch cartoons anymore. what name do you think is the prettiest on a girl? Right now, Mia.  do ya know a guy named ben? Barely. He was a graduating senior by the time I had just entered college. ever told your date you were going to the bathroom and actually left? No. what never fails to put you in a bad mood? Last minute revisions on any work I’m involved in, crammers and freeloaders, politics in my country. do you journal/blog any? This blog. have you ever read any sarah dessen books? Nope. what is the first thing that comes to mind when i say green? I remember the word verde which is Spanish for green. Being stuck at home has made me reinstall Duolingo and I’ve been learning Spanish for the past two weeks, hah. It’s astounding to realize how many Filipino words have just been borrowed from Spanish this whole time: oficina/opisina, negocio/negosyo, queso/keso, pasaporte/pasaporte, familia/pamilya, escuela/eskwela – the list goes on. It makes for the easiest language course to take lmao. most of you said grass, right? how old are you, by the way? Afraid you’re wrong. 22. did you know that you hear/see something that relates to a monkey everyday? Sure. I watch Friends almost everyday and they had an entire storyline about Ross owning a monkey, so that’s one link to monkeys. Also aren’t we both primates?  have you ever made a threat that you went through with? I don’t think so. how many pillows are currently on your bed? Two.

do you share a bed with anyone, or is it allll yours? All mine and it should stay that way because I only have a twin bed lol. are you scared to be alone after you watch a scary movie? Egh not always, but some will get to me. are you totally annoyed when taylor swift wins all awards at an award show? I wouldn’t be annoyed but since I don’t like her music I just wouldn’t be feeling particularly giddy over the sweep. do you own any songs that are from limewire? Nooooooooo, that’s ages ago. have you smacked anyone's butt today? Nope. are you from the north/south/west/east? East. ya live in america, right? Wrong again. would you ever want to be a celebrity? If I can be ~popular for something wholesome or generally uncontroversial or not chaotic like being a successful vlogger or blogger, or being close friends with a celebrity, then it might be nice. Otherwise I can live without it. did you ever take ballet as a kiddo? I took ballet lessons when I was 5, yes.

[wickedlittlewordsmith]

By the time I get around to posting this, it will already be after midnight for me, which means that it’s the start of a new year and a new decade. I originally wasn’t going to write this post. Normally I write at least one self-reflective post a year—though not necessarily on New Year’s Eve or New Year’s Day as it will be—but this year I thought I’d skip it since I’ve admittedly not been in a great mental space these past six weeks or so.

Then I did something ridiculous and nerve wracking (for me, at least) and completely out of character for me simply because I knew it would be uncomfortable. I shared pictures of myself both in a giant group chat with a bunch of people I don’t really know but who seem like genuinely wonderful people. (That’s you, RQ Discord peeps. Just in case any of you are here and all that jazz.) And then I shared pictures of me from 2009 and 2019 on Twitter just because. That’s it. I simply wanted to do it for myself, to continue putting myself in positions that make me slightly uncomfortable, and to do it on my terms.

I don’t have a lot of twitter followers, so I’m not super concerned about posting pictures there. (You can take your Panopticism and shove it, Foucault. I don’t care if you’re right right now.) The few friends of mine who know and follow me on there are cool and really supportive, so I’m okay with it. And I’m okay with linking things here because, well, again, it’s under my terms.

Anyway, one of my dearest, closest friends saw the tweet and messaged me on Discord about how much happier I look now than I did back in 2009 and how my whole mood has improved. And despite compliments making me uncomfortable and struggling with another depressive cycle due to extreme anxiety, I easily and honestly agreed with them.

I am happier.

Such a simple sentence to write. Three words; that’s it. Yet it’s not something I thought I’d be able to say and mean it—genuinely mean it—if I’m being completely honest.

So I got to thinking of everything I’ve been through since 2009.

In 2009, I was 19, turning 20. I was in a relationship that I hadn’t realized was abusive and toxic at the time. I was barely making it through community college, bored and restless because I didn’t feel like I was being mentally challenged by the classes I took. I had an extremely teen rebellion “Fuck you!” attitude, an extremely fragile sense of self, and was on the start of my first major breakdown.

The girl I was back then was so damn naïve. She had no idea what we’d go through to get to where we are today. She wouldn’t be able to wrap her mind around the fact that I’m currently single by choice and happy about it. She’d think my actually following a foolish dream of getting an MA and eventually a PhD is dumb as fuck. She couldn’t even begin to fathom what life with mental illnesses like GAD and c-PTSD would be like.

And yet here I am.

These past ten years have seen me survive a 9 year abusive relationship that started when I was 18. It’s seen me suffering an extreme mental breakdown at 23, abusing alcohol because I didn’t know that I was struggling with anxiety and PTSD related panic attacks every night like clockwork. It’s seen me lying to everyone about how I was doing, how my relationship was going, and what I had planned for my future. It’s seen me barely scrape by with a decent enough GPA to transfer to a somewhat local university and then half-ass a bachelor’s degree. It’s seen me in a year-long struggle with depression and anxiety followed by me fighting to regain a sense of self and pulling myself up and putting myself back together with mish-mashed pieces that didn’t really fit, only to break again when I finally ended the abusive relationship and had to deal with months of harassment in-person and then even longer with my ex stalking me and harassing me and my family online. In the span of a year, it’s seen me end a relationship, lose a friendship with the woman I’d considered my best friend for years, and having to put down my pup who’d honestly gotten me through so much of these hellish events.

There has been a lot of bad in my life, especially this past decade.

But you know what? It’s also brought me a lot of really great things, too.

I got into the Master’s program that I wanted. I got to work with the professors that I loved and knew would not only challenge me but also encourage me. I got to teach my first college-level English course on my own, which only reaffirmed the fact that that’s exactly what I want to do with my life. I’m currently working on finishing up my thesis and have a 3.9 something GPA because I am finally engaged and invested in what I’m learning.

I’ve also made a lot of great friends, both through the internet and in real life. Hell, despite having really bad anxiety and some really fucked up, self-deprecating thoughts and a severe case of imposter syndrome, I managed to spend almost a week up in the woods with a bunch of my friends from work, and I actually enjoyed myself. They’ve all helped me get to where I am today, and I couldn’t be more grateful for their presence in my life.

And that’s not to mention that I have three amazing nephews and a charming niece now! And sisters! Which, okay, probably sounds a little bit weird to be excited over, but when you grow up with 5 brothers in a terribly patriarchal and near misogynistic household, it’s pretty cool to realize you’re not the only female at family gatherings, minus your mom.

I’ve also finally admitted to people that I want to pursue a PhD in the U.K. and have not only told my family about it but have actively been doing the things that I need to in order to apply and hopefully enroll in. it’s nerve wracking to think I may be going to a whole new country—continent, even!—for this, but it’s exciting as fuck, too.

So overall, the last ten years have been a wild ride with lots of highs and lows (mostly lows), but I like who I’ve become. I really, truly am happy with who I am right now. I’m not perfect. I’m still a fucking walking disaster in human skin, basically, but I’m happy. And that’s a ridiculously delightful thought, even if my brain is trying to sabotage it, and I can’t help but feel proud.

I’m nervous to see what this year brings. I don’t even want to begin to think about these next ten years. But you know what? I’m still going to work on being the best version of me that I can be; I’m still going to do things that terrify me; I’m still going to continue learning and expanding my own horizons; and most importantly I’m still going to be me.

[katecarteir]

L.A Devotee | Chapter 3

Richie looked Eddie’s outfit up and down, and wrinkled up his nose. “Do you own anything that didn’t come from Aeropostale in 2009?” 

Eddie gave him a equally disgusted look in return. “Not really.” 

[or: child actor Richie Tozier was raised in The Industry, he knows how to play the game. He knows exactly how to keep his head down, and make his way through the famous life without attracting any extra drama. Until his management branch takes an up incoming band under their wing, and enlist Richie to publicly date the lead singer, and that all falls to shit.]

Richie was woken up by a heavy weight bouncing onto the bed beside him. He yelped, gripping angrily at the edge of his mattress as he nearly tumbled off while Audra continuing bouncing on her knees.

“RICHIE! GET UP! RICHARD!” Audra shook Richie’s shoulder until he groaned angrily and swatted at his best friend.

He hunched his shoulders up towards his ears and glowered at her. “You better not be waking me up because of that fuking recording studio shit.It’s not until 11, and I have an alarm set! Let me live!”

Audra yanked the blanket away from Richie’s body and tossed towards the bottom of Richie’s bed. “It’s not about that, but I do think you should take it a little bit more seriously. Nobody’s going to believe it, if you don’t start acting like it’s real.”

Richie rolled his eyes. It had been nearly four weeks since his management had demanded that he parade around with some pretty little songbird on his arm as though they were madly in love, and Richie could admit that he hadn’t seen much of the guy at all. After the awkwardness at the bar between them, he’d been giving Eddie a wide berth. There had been a few arranged meetings- enough that Eddie’s face showed up in tabloids and people Googled who Eddie was. His band’s YouTube channel and SoundCloud had skyrocketed in the last couple weeks, and the management felt now would be a good time to start dropping their singles. Richie was, of course, was expected to be present at the final recording today, if only to be spotted going in and out of the building with Eddie. He was still looking for a way to get out of actually having to sit through the recording process, simply because he’d gone this far without hearing Eddie Kaspbrak sing and he’d like to keep that trend up as long as possible.

Audra hit him with a pillow, and he tossed his hand out to whack at her shoulder. “Richard.” She said, an absolute overjoyed smile covering her face. She held her phone out-stretch towards him, wiggling it in his face. “They nominated you for an Oscar!”

Richie felt as though he went through twenty emotions all at once and didn’t seem to express any of them. He blinked once, and rolled to sit up in his bed. “Guess I’ll take a shower since I’m up anyway.”

He watched how Audra’s face fell and instantly felt bad. He supposed that he should have tried a little harder to act enthusiastic- or tried at all, really- but with the amount of things he was going to have to pretend to feel today, this just wasn’t something he could bring up the strength to do. “Look, I’ll send out a Tweet about being thankful later, I promise. It’s not like I’m going to win it.”

Audra made a wounded noise sound as Richie stood and moved past her towards the bathroom. “That’s so negative! You can’t go into this with such bullshit opinions of yourself! You’re a good actor, Richie!”

Richie rolled his eyes, and yanked his boxers down. He reached into the shower, and pulled the water on. Holding his hand under the stream to feel it warm up to his preferred temperature, he looked back over to Audra. “Okay, first of all- we both know this isn’t about having talent.” Richie continued to rush through as Audra opened her mouth to speak. “And also? That movie was absolute shit. If I had been up for like… Rage… then maybe I could see it. But Secret Window? Ohhh dude kills his wife, big fucking plot twist. We know that if it had been anything less than written and directed by Bill Denbrough that it would have been some trash ass straight-to-Netflix shit.”

“That doesn’t mean your performance was bad.” Audra challenged, but Richie could tell the words were weak. Richie had barely even bothered to memorize the lines for the movie, convinced that it was going to flop whether he worked for it or not. He’d only agreed to do it as a favour to Bill, who had given him so many good roles that he figured it wouldn’t hurt to do a bad one. He remembered being shocked how breaking the film had been and was now even a little bit insulted that it was the role he was being nodded over.

“I haven’t been up for an award since my Teen Choice days.” Richie chuckled. “Most people don’t jump straight from the surfboard to the golden statue. No matter how many years have passed in between.” Audra was still glaring at him and Richie sighed. “Are you done lecturing me? I’m getting in the shower.”

“I am absolutely not done!” Audra said firmly, grabbing the ends of her nightshirt and heaving it over her head. Richie rolled his eyes, stepping under the water and feeling Audra slide in behind him. They settled under the spray and Audra placed her hands on her hips, glaring up at him. ”You’re not giving yourself enough credit, Rich. As usual. You were good in the movie, you played crazy really well! I think it’s one of your best roles, personally. You deserved to be nominated. Take it for the compliment that it is.”

Richie huffed out a breath, pouring some of Audra’s pomegranate shampoo into his hands and reaching to rub it into her hair.  “But I don’t take it as compliment. This is just something that is going to make my life more complicated. An excuse to push me into doing more bullshit publicity- and I have enough of that going on.”

Audra raised one eyebrow at him, likely trying to look intimidating but falling flat with the her hair piled up top of her head in a white foam. Richie tried not to laugh. “Not everything is a big scheme with ulterior motives. You’re paranoid as fuck.”

Richie pushed his thumbs against Audra’s chin and encouraged her to tilt her head under the spray. “I don’t know how you aren’t more paranoid, honestly. You really just take things at face value.”

“Not everything,” Audra said, rubbing the soap into Richie’s face a little more aggressively than he felt was necessary. “But sometimes I think it’s okay to believe that something is just a nice thing. No strings attached.”

“There’s always strings.”

Richie waltzed into the recording room, trying to ignore Beverly’s other excited chattering in his ear. Like Audra, she seemed to believe that this nomination was a good thing. What wanted nothing more than to never hear the word “Oscar” again- all apologies to people with the name. He had already resigned himself to having a long couple of weeks, but he was already close to snapping when he noticed Kay perking up at the sight of him.

“Richie! Congratulation-” She hadn’t even finished getting the words out before Richie was waving her off impatiently and dropped himself into one of free cars in the room. He pulled his phone out, but simply scrolled mindlessly through his own photo gallery because the last thing he wanted to do was look anywhere near his social media.

“He’s in little bitch mode,” Beverly said, coming into the room and immediately going to fuss over Ben’s hair. “Just let him stew in it. Auds probably woke him up and you know how he gets when he doesn’t get at least ten hours.”

Richie held his middle finger high above his head and clenched his jaw as he heard the laughter bounce through the small room.

“What are we congratulating Richie for?” Eddie’s voice came then, and Richie couldn’t help glancing up at him. He was wearing a pair of seemingly fitted beige khakis and an actual pink polo shirt, complete with a collar and everything. He looked the perfect boyfriend to some Disney Channel Mary Sue, and it made the back of Richie’s neck burn. “Did he finally find a thrift store that accepts thousand dollars bills?”

God, he barely knew him and yet Eddie Kaspbrak could get under his skin like nobody ever had before. It seemed that he knew just the exact right words to make Richie bristle, and his soul was trained for the exact right moment to toss them out.

“He was nominated for his first Oscar,” Beverly answered, even just sounding like she was rolling her eyes. “And he seems to think that it’s the end of the world.”

“His first?” Eddie’s face seemed confused as he turned to look over at Richie. Richie held his gaze, daring Eddie to piss him off. Eddie just hummed, and turned back to fiddling with his headphones. “I’d have thought you already had at least one.”

Richie narrowed his eyes, brain still trying to decide if that was an insult or not when Stan stormed into the room. “I’m not doing this fucking song. I’m not.”

“Stan you wrote the song, babe.” Ben said softly, Beverly still nit-picking at individual strands of Ben’s hair as though he was going to be on camera at all outside of potential pap pics.

Stan glared at his boyfriend, but the look he cast in Eddie’s direction immediately after was much colder. “I wrote it three years ago, and I didn’t even want to record it for the album. It doesn’t match our sound.”

“It’s a good song, Stanley.” Eddie said sharply, sounding more irritated than Richie had ever heard him before. “It’s strong lyrically, and we’re all well practised in it. And it’ll be a good hook to get people to start listening to us seriously.”

“I don’t want to hook people in by releasing a song that doesn’t sound like any of the rest of the album, Eddie.” Stan’s voice was cold. “Unless, of course, you want to change that, too. We’ve made so many compromises this far, why not?”

Eddie’s shoulders went stiff, his eyes shutted shut and his jaw clenched. Richie marvelled that Eddie Kaspbrak was actually kind of hot when he was pissed off. “The record needs the finished product by midnight, Stanley. We’ve put this off long enough- we’re doing the song.”

Stan looked for a moment like he might keep arguing, but Ben came over and guided him into their booth. They, along with Mike, started mingling around inside with their instruments and Eddie stared blankly at them for a long moment before sighing and moving inside to join his bandmates. Richier couldn’t help staring after Eddie’s departure. Once he was sure that Eddie and his friends had been behind the soundproof area, he turned to Kay and shook his head. “You’re blowing a lot of money on this band. They aren’t going to make it.”

“You haven’t even heard on them yet.” Kay said simply, leaning over the music techs and pointing at certain keys on the board.

“I don’t need to hear them,” Richie said with a shrug. “They could be the most talented band since Queen, and they still aren’t going to make it if they can’t find a way to get along.” Kay pursed her lips and he watched as Beverly turned away nervously. He knew he was right, and he didn’t need an verbally confirmation. He’d told them as much when they’d talked in the bars all those weeks ago- if they conflict this early on, they were doomed to fall apart. It certainly seemed that the drift between Stanley and Eddie had only grown larger since then. Whether Stan was still mad about this little stunt, or if Eddie had done something else since then, Richie wasn’t sure. But he knew it wouldn’t spell anything good for them, if they didn’t work it out soon.

Kay gave Richie a quick signal to shut up, and pressed down on the SPEAK button. “Okay, guys. We’ve burned a lot of time, so we’re going to get right into it. On your four count.”

The other three men all pushed their instruments into place, as Eddie wrapped his hands around the hanging mic and leaned towards it. Some music that might have passed for punk, but definitely leaned more towards pop, came from them as Eddie took a deep breath.

“Used to keep it cool, used to be a fool, all about the bounce in my step… Watch it on the news, whatcha gonna do, I could hit refresh and forget...”

Richie tried not to look impressed, staring stubbornly at his phone. Eddie definitely had the voice for this, and he’d been right about the song being good lyrically. He remembered that when Kay first mentioned them, she’d called them an alternative band… and this was no alternative song. It would do well in the Top 40s- which was no doubt their management’s intention, and what was making Stanley so distressed. It was a sell out, for sure, but if they stuck with it then nobody except them would ever know. That was the way to do it, but it seemed that Eddie’s bandmates might put up a fight about it.

Richie let himself look at Eddie, seeming so Ken-Barbie like in his preppy clothes. It certainly didn’t fit the sound they wanted to sell, and barely fit that in which it seemed like were going to sell. Eddie looked like some Jesse McCartney, 2009 Justin Bieber ass mother fucker. He couldn’t believe Beverly had let it fly for this long.

“Watch me stand in the line, you’re only serving lies, you’ve got something to hide…”

As they wrapped, and the band came fumbling out of the soundbooth, Richie mimicked gagging loudly as Eddie exited. Eddie looked wounded for a moment, before seeming to realize it was Richie mocking him, and quickly flipped his fake boyfriend off. Richie chuckled and pushed to his feet. He patted Stan between the shoulder and nodded at him. “It is a good song, man. Take it as a compliment that they chose it, even if it’s not the one you wanted.”

He was hyper aware of Beverly muttering something about him being a fucking hypocrite, and smirked as he turned to face Eddie. He looked the boy up and down, and wrinkled up his face.”Do you own anything that didn’t come from Aeropostale in 2009?”

Eddie gave him an equally disgusted look in return. “Not really.”

“We’ll have to change that.” It had been a general “we”. It had been such an general we. The most general of we’s. We as in Eddie and somebody who was not Richie. Then Beverly took it upon herself to walk up to them, and placed a hand on each of their shoulders.

“I’ve been thinking the same thing! Eddie really needs a new look!” Beverly cheered, looking overly smug. “It’s so nice of you to offer to take him, Rich!”

“What?” Richie gasped as Eddie’s mouth dropped open in matching shock. “No, I- I didn’t- I-” But Beverly was already winking at him and walking back to talk to Kay. No doubt to tell her all about how Richie was going to be taking Eddie out to buy new clothes, leaving Richie with no choice but to actually do so. Eddie clearly couldn’t be trusted to purchase his own clothes- hence what he was wearing now- but Richie genuinely hadn’t been expecting to be thrust into that terrible responsibility.

Eddie, to his own credit, looked rather horrified. “You want him to pick out clothes for me? Him? Look at him!” Eddie gestured towards Richie’s outfit, was which- admittedly- rather wild today. He’d paired the skinniest jeans he could find in his closet- a bright, hot pink- with a green shirt covered in cactus’. If you looked closely enough to it, you could see the words don’t be a prick written all over it. “Dude looks like a kiwi!”

Richie huffed. “Look, man. I’m not thrilled about it, either. The less time I have to spent with you the better.”

“I’m a fucking delight, I’ll have you know!” Eddie snapped, Richie watching how his jaw clenched and his eyes flashed. Richie tilted his head to the side, smiling slightly. Eddie’s cheeks began to flush and Richie’s soft smile turned into a wolfish grin.

“Let’s just go, yeah?” Richie said, trying to keep his tone light and friendly. This would be unbearable if Eddie spent the entire time in a funk. “Everybody likes shopping, and you have an endless supply of company money to do it with.”

Eddie was still eyeing him warily. “Promise I’m not going to end up dressing like you?”

“Sweetie. Nobody dresses like me.”

xx

Richie took hold of Eddie’s hand as soon as they stepped into the open parking lot. He felt the way the other boy stiffened, and squeezed as he feared Eddie would pull away. “We have to look like we’re dating,” Richie whispered to him, leaning close enough that their bodies rested together. “There’s going to be a hundred fucking teen bops here, your single drops tonight, and I was just nominated for an award. Eyes are going to be on us.”

“Maybe we’ve picked the wrong day to do this,” Eddie said lightly as he and Richie began walking into the fluorescent light mall.

Richie laughed, small and seemingly genuine. “Kid. From here on out, there’s never going to be a good day to do things. Didn’t you get the you’re-gonna-be-famous crash course? You’re never going to be doing anything again without eyes on you.”

Eddie was quiet for such a long time that Richie eventually had to turn and look at him. Eddie’s hand felt so small in his own, and when he looked at Eddie- he looked small, too. Young. Richie knew they were the same age, give or take a few months, but he supposed that Eddie hadn’t had to grow up the way Richie had. There was still lingering youth in him, confusion about the world he was entering. Richie needed to remind himself that maybe Eddie Kaspbrak was a person under all that attitude.

“Hey, listen.” Richie said, swinging his and Eddie’s joined hands to-and-fro. “It comes with the job. Today is going to be your first day when you absolutely don’t need to worry about money, like at all. I remember the first time I was handed a credit card and let loose in a mall. It was a religious experience.”

Eddie looked Richie up and down, and Richie fully expected another comment about Richie’s choice in clothes but Eddie just frowned. “And you were what? Ten? Even younger?” Richie gave a non-committed hum. He’d been seven when his mother had handed him his first credit card with his own name on it. “I feel bad for you. You have all this stuff, but you’ve never really been allowed to live.”

“I can do whatever I want,” Richie said, wondering if he was convincing Eddie or himself. “I just get in trouble when I do something wrong.”

“I’d wanted to be an actor, when I was little.” Eddie said. “I begged my dad to let me go to auditions, and he told me if I really wanted to be famous- I could wait until I was an adult. He said if you wanted to put your kids into show business, you might as well skip the show business part and stick them right in rehab.”

Richie pursed his lips, wondering how much about his life Eddie actually knew. Somethings could easily be found online, but those facts were never quite right. Even if they came from direct sources. “Your dad sounds like a smart guy. How’d he let you get into a situation like this?”

“He died when I was eleven. Cancer.” Eddie said it so nonchalantly, and Richie felt he might have given himself whiplash turning to look at him. “It was just me and Ma after that, and she wouldn’t hear anything about being famous. Wanted me to stay in Maine, working at some pharmacy downtown, until I died. Made me want it more.”

“So, you’re becoming famous out of spite.” Richie said lightly, always one to dodge any emotional conversation that he could. “I can dig that.”

“I’m trying to become famous because it’s what I’ve always wanted.” Eddie pointed out, clearly trying to control the annoyance on his face. He was already smart enough to know that pictures of them seemingly having a fight shouldn’t be circling so quickly into their relationship. “My Ma was just a big push factor.”

Richie nodded, and then pressed a kiss to the top of Eddie’s head for good measure. Eddie’s eyes went a little wide, but he seemed to manage his shock well otherwise. “We’re going to start here,” Richie said, gesturing towards the Turtle Shack.

Eddie eyed it a little apprehensively. “Do you show there?”

Richie actually laughed, gesturing his free hand towards the store full of blues, blacks and grays.  “Does it look like I’d buy anything from there? No, Eddie. If you’re going to be the frontman of some emo alternative band, you can’t walk around looking like Chad Michael Murray.”

“Who?” Eddie asked, frowning. Richie just rolled his eyes, and tugged Eddie into the store. He didn’t have the time or patience to deal with how it seemed that Eddie Kaspbrak had been raised under a big rock in Maine. Were there mountains in Maine? If so, Eddie was probably raised in one. With wolves. Wolves that wore cardigans.

Richie grabbed several shirts and hoodies off the racks and tossed them at Eddie, hardly giving them a full glance. He was firm believer, right now, that anything was an improvement. Eddie didn’t seem convinced, judging by the way he was turning up his nose at them. “Why am I doing this? I don’t get why I have to change my clothes. It feels like lying.”

“Oh, what?” Richie laughed, brushing his hand along his jawline. “Now you’re worried about lying? Try the clothes on, Edward. I was told to take you shopping, and we’re getting you clothes. I don’t care if you ever wear them after this. But you will.”

Eddie scowled, then seemed to remember himself. He came forward and kissed Richie’s cheek quickly, smiling shyly up at him. Batting his eyelashes, and even seeming to blush somehow. “Thanks, baby.”

Richie watched Eddie duck into the change room, shaking his head and knowing his expression was perfectly awestruck. Eddie could have done well, if he’d stuck with his first dream of going into acting. Richie fiddled around with the long racks of pants, fitted and ripped, picking out six or seven. He knocked on the door. “I’ve got pants for you.”

“You’re trying to get me out of my pants, too?” Eddie called over to him through the door. He opened it, already wearing one of the dark Tees. It was a Nirvana shirt, that Richie was sure that he had a matching hiding somewhere in the back of his closet. Taking his shirt off, and placing another on, had left Eddie’s hair flopping out of it’s usually primly styles swoop. He could see the natural curls that Eddie’s hair held, and it was a little endearing.

“Your hair looks good like that.” Richie said, dropping the pants into Eddies hands. Eddie raised his eyebrows and frowned. “Women love the messy look. You could do for that sort of extra boost in popularity.”

“I don’t really care what women find attractive.” Eddie said, smirking. He was joking, probably, but Richie wasn’t in the mood to let Eddie make dumb mistakes right now.

“You should care.”Richie said seriously. “Whether you want to admit it or not, women are going to support your career. It doesn’t matter if you’re gay- they’ll love that, too- but most straight women are still going to want to imagine they could date you.”

Eddie lowered the clothes and suddenly seemed exhausted. “Richie, is anything even real? Everything I’ve done since signing our label has been changing myself, changing my stuff, and pissing off my friends. What’s the point?”

Richie pushed at Eddie’s shoulders and guided them into the dressing room together, knowing that was going make fun headlines. “Kid,” he said seriously, putting the clothes and hanging them up. “You’re too new at this to be so cynical about it. If you’re already not enjoying it, drop out now before it’s too late. But can I give you some advice and you promise not to let it make you think we’re friends?”

“We’ll never be friends,” Eddie answered immediately, but with none that Kaspbrak sass that Richie had already come to recognize. He just sounded tired.

Richie gave him a small smile. “There’s nothing wrong here.  You’ve maybe had a bit of a rough beginning, but once your stuff starts circulating and you smooth things over with Stanley, it’s going to be worth it. Just push through.”

Eddie gave him a long, unreadable look then sighed. “Do I still have to get the clothes?”

“Yes.” Richie said with a firm nod. “You need them.”