#do people even use the term ‘tumblrina’ anymore

[rubinaitoart]

Most professional tumblrinas will queue their posts so there’s a steady supply of reblogs throughout the day.

Not me. You have to suffer through periodic explosions of content if you want to survive on my blog.

[perdvivly]

Not waiting for chance or fate to dictate the terms of how annoying I’m allowed to be on the internet. I am choosing to answer them all now, unasked as I am.

1) This is mildly variable depending on the amount of effort I’m willing to expend. Typically the common theme is no adulterants. No sugar, no milk, no queen of England. If I’m getting fancy with it I’ll make an effort to time the brewing duration, 3mins for a black tea, 5mins for a green tea, 7mins for a herbal tea. But honestly the sort of depression chic I’ve been serving lately has been leaving the bag in and drinking it straight, tannins be damned.

2) Mandarin. Just seems like it’d be the most useful innit. Also, relatively harder to pick up non-magically given my native Englishhood.

3) God. I try not to honestly. No, but seriously, my sleep schedule has been all sorts of out of shape recently. I should work on that. At the moment it varies wildly day to day and depends on my responsibilities the days before and after the sleep. I’ve pulled a couple of all nighters recently and it gets screwy.

4) Maybe atla? I remember really liking it when it came out but not fully understanding the whole plot because I didn’t see it serialised until later. Maybe the simpsons? There’s something to say here about the earnestness of the earlier seasons and seeing a deeply dysfunctional family care about each other in ways they struggle to express—that gets glossed out as the production value rises in the later seasons—that’s like heroin to someone trapped in an irony poisoned world. But maybe that’s cope? Maybe it’s just the show I had the easiest access to as a kid. I guess I didn’t watch a whole bunch of tv or at least not a whole bunch that stuck with me.

5) Summer ez. (Have you seen her baphomet pics? 🥵)

6) In general, I doubt very much that either the optimist or the pessimist considers themselves such. It’s not really the sort of thing that admits of self-diagnosis in that way… Philosophically, the broader question is what? Do I align with Schopenhauer, Voltaire’s Leibniz, or Russel’s Leibniz? I’m not sure the tumblrinas care about the history of philosophy. I guess I’ll say to the extent that Schopenhauer relies on Indian mysticism, which I think is typically underrated, he’s simply mistaken about the world as will and representation. I’ll say that, I’m *not* a Buddhist. I think the doctrine of dukkha misses fundamental aspects of human existence. I’ll say that people have richer inner lives, deeper felt internal experiences, than you might assume from reading their little words on the internet. And that, on the whole, these are good things.

7) I mean, both ideally. Variety is the spice of life. If I had to choose I suppose it would be sunshine. But I’m terribly glad I don’t live in a world where I have to choose.

8) I have the cutest little book marks. My primary two at the moment are the sun and the moon, which I use for main text and end notes respectively. Though, I have been known to dog-ear in my time. I once got yelled at by my aunt for turning the corner of the page on my copy of Harry Potter and the order of the phoenix because it was a first edition and she was under the impression that it may be valuable some day. I was like, come on man, I’m 7. Don’t even piss. <- I didn’t say these things, but I was *like* that.

9) For the longest time I *only* wore steel toe capped boots because I ran myself over with an electric pallet stacker and tore my toenail off and decided I didn’t want that to happen again. I don’t do that anymore because I interact with heavy machinery less than I used to. Now all that matters to me is that they’re waterproof.

10) *My* signature scent like, I produce it? Or like I like it? I guess one of my favourite scents is lavender. But I've been told... Okay, it's important you guys know I do *not* have a yeast infection... I've been told some parts of my body naturally smell like bread, like, that sort of doughy yeasty (I s2g I do *not* (I did not hit her. I did not! oh hi mark)) smell that you get with bread sometimes. Is that what the question was asking?

11) I mean... That's broadly not for me to decide right? Unless the sort of dragons you're imagining have some sort of glamoury illusion magic, which seems plausible. Anyway, do you guys remember in Moby Dick when he goes on this wild tangent about how St. George and The Dragon was acutally about whales? And St. George's horse was actually a walrus or something. What was that about??

Okay, author's note, there's a time skip here. I've been scrolling through lists of dragons in popular culture for a while now and there are a pretty neat and widely varied selection of designs. I'll get back to you on this one.

12) It depends on why I'm writing! If it's a quick note to myself for future reference it'll generally be cursive, if it's an important document that will be read by other people generally it'll be print. If it's time-sensitive it'll be cursive. I remember writing essays for undergrad that I'm sure were totally illegible by the end of them, I think literally just a line on a page with occasional lifts and dips.

13) There is more information on wookieepedia than existed in my philosophy but a few minutes ago. The typology I've discerned is thus: blue - jock, green - nerd, yellow - geek, red - edgelord. And I'm a little bit of all of these, so I think any would be fine. Realistically though, I'm not sure a lightsaber is the best weapon in fantasy space-past-future where spaceships and lasers are common. Like, I'll let it slide because the original trilogy was doing a kirkegaardian faith thing and the prequels were doing a logic doesn't matter it's cool thing, and those are both respectable motivations to leave logistics aside for a bit.

14) Sad

15) Ice skates! I love ice skating!

16) I'm a youngest. I have an older sister, I think I talk about her here from time to time.

17) Well, how I would use it would depend massively on what it was. If the question is which superpower I think is the best then why not ask that? Which superpower would I have has a faint ring of incomprehensibility about it. It's really not clear which counterfactual is under consideration. *If* what?

Anyway, I think time control powers are up there right? Top five at least, easy. Imagine what you could do if you could stop time and sleep whenever you felt like it. I feel King Leerish about the ability to just be well rested. I would do such things, what they are yet I know not.

18) The problem with romantic relationships is that eventually, all of your most interesting clothing will end up in someone else's closet. I think my day-to-day wear tends to be mostly blues, blacks and whites. Not hugely interesting colourwise.

19) Snake, I think, they have fewer demands and I can't really handle any more pressure in my life than I already have. I would hate to be a bad bird mom... I would hate to be a bad snake mom too, but I think it's easier. Typically regarded as easier. I don't know.

20) Okay, so, it's like this right: medieval battle = will probably die. And it's also like this: behind city walls = safe, my friend and lover and confidant. And so, for very obvious reasons, it's gotta be a bow right? Like, I'm standing way out of the action and I'll shoot some arrows long range. But if that's against the spirit of the ask then it's gotta be some kind of polearm, like a halberd or something. Not even close. The advantage you get from distance is hard to overstate. Yeah, polearm for sure.

21) Mint choc chip, it's just such a classic. But also, I had a "london fog" flavour recently that was really compelling. It's just earl grey and vanilla but it's so good.

22) I'm more of a herbs person than a spices person. Like, hmm, I do really enjoy paprika and ginger and stuff like that, don't get me wrong. But it doesn't really hold a candle to the sheer universality of parsley or basil or oregano or mint. Herbs stay winning.

23) These days it's aptos because I am the worlds most basic bitch. And yes, I do still have a fondness for arial.

ask game that tells a lot about you.

how do you take your tea / coffee?

if you could be fluent in any language at the snap of your fingers, which one and why?

when do you wake up?

what was your favourite tv show as a kid?

summer or winter?

realist, optimist, or pessimist?

rain or sunshine?

how do you mark your spot in a book?

what are your favourite shoes like?

what would your non-perfume/cologne signature scent be?

if you were a dragon, what would you look like?

is your handwriting more print, cursive, or a mix?

what colour would your lightsaber be?

what is your defining personality trait?

roller skates or rollerblades or ice skates?

are you an only child? oldest / middle / youngest?

what would your superpower be? how would you use it?

what’s your clothing colour palette?

pet snake or pet bird?

weapon of choice in a medieval battle

the best ice cream flavour

what spices do you always use when cooking?

default font when typing?

[xawoshin]

another late night vent that i have nowhere else to post sorry in advance tumblrinas

but i genuinely don’t think i’m good enough for anyone. in not good enough for someone who has feelings for me to actually do anything about it, i feel exceptionally average in appearance, annoying, and unwanted. i cant use dating apps because i swipe left on people who are too conventionally attractive because i compare myself to them from just a single photo and decide that there’s no way they’d even give me a chance after meeting me and seeing how i look and how i act. i get attached to people for long periods of time and don’t know how to engage in short term “relationships” (hookups, dates with strangers, etc) because i’ve only ever known how to dedicate myself to one person and i can’t just... put myself into a romantic/sexual situation in my brain with a stranger, “dating” doesn’t work i have to be friends with someone before i start to like them. i really do think it’s extremely likely that i’ll never be good enough for anyone to want me as their partner and that i’ll soon be halfway into my twenties with no relationship experience and set myself up for disaster if i do end up finding someone and deciding to settle because i’m afraid of my life slipping away from me. and of course i have divorced parents so i guess the need to feel to settle is genetic ? idk. anyway i feel so lonely and also lost right now. i’m struggling with school too which is really the only other thing that brings me joy is to learn about art but i can’t even afford to register for classes so i feel like my life doesnt have a lot of meaning right now. and even when i’m in classes i can’t put all my energy into it because i’m physically and mentally exerting myself at a job that doesnt give two shits about me. the only other thing that was giving my life meaning or a reason to keep going has slipped away, leaving me alone and defenseless or something that’s so dramatic but i genuinely don’t know how to make myself happy when i can’t even work towards my future career goals because college costs so much. bc listen.. i have two main life goals. one is becoming an art therapist and the other is starting a family... both seem incredibly unreachable and i feel like the time i have left to work towards those goals are slipping away faster and faster. i’m living every day with practically no meaning and no matter how much i explain this to my friends they may try to comfort me but they can’t create meaning for me out of thin air. i genuinely don’t know what to do with myself i just feel like everything is pointless unless i’m rich enough to pay for school or rich enough to make myself prettier and more desirable. life is just dragging me along and i don’t want to be dragged anymore. i just want to sleep forever so that i don’t have to exist in a constant state of disappointment anymore.

[the-trans-diaries]

26.10.2020.

I have an hour and a half to kill so I’m gonna use that to hopefully get some stuff out on paper (or my keyboard, in this case)

I’ve been thinking about several things lately. Number one - I’m real fucking happy cause I found ways to dress that hide my hips and chest without a binder. This is a huge huge thing for me (having a C cup is no fun lol) and I actually quite like the style I picked. It’s not exactly something I’d wear if I wasn’t dysphoric af but I like it and it works so props to me 

Another thing is, between my scholarship, internship money and savings I’ve already got, I’ll be able to afford therapy and potential medication (idk if they’re gonna put me on anything, but I wanna have that covered just in case), and honestly at this point I’m kinda looking forward to it. I find it hard to open up to people (hence this blog) so I kept putting therapy off but at this point I can’t keep pretending everything’s fine, cause it really is not. I keep catching myself avoiding doing things that upset me or are unpleasant, even if they’re good for me long term, and honestly I’m fed up of doing that.

I also keep wondering what drove my former best friend to ditch me like she did. I haven’t written about this anywhere yet (I think?) so I guess it’s time to put that out too. Basically, sometime in august this year, we hung out in person for the last time as of writing this, and it was real nice. Nothing out of the ordinary, we messed around, both of us were a bit tired from finals and the fact that I was in the middle of moving, but it was nice. She suggested we go to a spa together, I said yes, and the only thing I asked for was for her dad to drive me home because it would be late and I didn’t wanna use public transport at midnight. She said sure, and that was everything that I remember happening. We hung out some more, and then we both went home.

And then...the next day she wasn’t responding to my messages. I thought to myself okay, maybe she’s busy. But then the next day, her facebook was gone. I got worried so I texted her and asked if everything was okay, and she didn’t respond until tomorrow (if I remember correctly). When she did respond, her tone was icy cold, very passive aggressive, and she told me she wants to use her fb for uni related stuff only (which was a lie, she made the exact same profile, but without me in her friends lmao), that she’s taking time away from me because she needs to think about something. If this was anyone else, I’d believe them, but with her it was obvious that it was a lie. I know what she’s like, and this isn’t the first time she avoids direct confrontation with someone. For someone who insists that communication is key in every relationship, be it romantic or platonic, she’s doing an EXTREMELY poor job following that philosophy. 

I can’t say it didn’t hurt. It really did, and I miss what we had. I miss having a best friend. I really don’t know what is it that triggered this behavior, but whatever it is, it was clearly something very serious. 

On that note, I really don’t want to be friends with her again. I don’t want someone who’s just gonna pack their bags and leave at random without telling me why they’re doing it in my life. I miss her, yes, but I wouldn’t take her back even if she tried, and I know that won’t happen because she’s the kind of person who doesn’t take action for anything. She doesn’t own up to her actions and only ever looks for excuses or justifications. 

I feel a lot lighter now, even if I do get lonely sometimes. I don’t feel as if something’s suffocating me anymore, so that’s something. It’s hard to explain, but looking back, I was a lot unhappier while we were close than now. I think it’s because I was exposed to a lot of her own emotions (not her fault, she had a lot going on at home and I can understand that) while trying to figure myself out and I guess that was a pretty bad combination. The distance is doing me good, but I really hope we can sit down one day and discuss what happened. I don’t like having unfinished business with anyone, and at this point I’m very curious as to what pushed her to leave. If it’s something I did, then I wanna know so I can work on it. 

It’s helping me to have a place to compile my thoughts and get them out of my head. I suck at verbal everything, so this is a great alternative for me.

Another thing that I did but forgot to log is that I told one of my irl friends that I have something to tell them but only after I see a therapist. I fully intend on coming out to her, but since (like I said) I suck at verbal everything I want to have a diagnosis from a psychiatrist first. I want to at least go to a few sessions, even if I don’t get a formal diagnosis immediately, before I tell anyone I know irl. I feel like people are reluctant to believe you when you say you’re trans (here where I live at least) if you don’t look a certain way aka dress extremely masc or extremely femme (depending on if you’re a trans guy or a trans girl), and I very much don’t look like that. I just want to be able to say “here, this is what I am and a doctor actually agrees with me” because I don’t wanna be laughed at and written off as a “trender tumblrina” as a lot of my irl friends like to call questioning people. Fucked up, I know, but honestly, they’re the very few friends I have, and I know I can trust them with this, even if they’re not perfect.

This is it for today I think, I can’t focus any more.