#do people even use the term ‘tumblrina’ anymore

[rubinaitoart]

Most professional tumblrinas will queue their posts so there’s a steady supply of reblogs throughout the day.

Not me. You have to suffer through periodic explosions of content if you want to survive on my blog.

[mastersoftheair]

You're doing the Lord's work posting all of these pics from the boys instas, etc bc I do not have an Instagram or whatever and I would never see these things otherwise! Thank you!

you're welcome!!!! also, i am Not a social media person At All (i'm a tumblrina through and through). the only reason i have an instagram, really, is to message friends/family who almost exclusively message people through instagram for some reason lol

+ (overly-detailed) storytime about instagram research under the cut (since i'm using your ask to take a trip down memory lane...)

back in 2021, with tremendous help from @carninator-blog (who was equally as interested in the "MotA Cast Investigation"), i managed to cobble together a growing list of cast and crew members (sometimes, i was faster than imdb lol). instagram was the Key tho, like it was INVALUABLE! if you found one person, they might post a story that shows Another person with them and, if you recognized That person, then you could find Their profile (if they had one). and so on and so forth.

dramatic reenactment of this:

anyway, it's a lot easier to do the instagram stuff now (can you believe i mainly use it for "research"). i browse the search term "mastersoftheair" and have retired the rest: "mota" (too much weed lmao), "masteroftheair" (an easy typo, but no one makes that mistake anymore), and "whirlwind" (production name which yielded 1 result out of like. 50 or more). i even had to download an old version of the instagram app bc they just HAD to get rid of the "recent" tab which is crazy inconvenient! that's where all the timely information is!!

another thing. a few guys straight up Do Not have an instagram profile (....like nate mann. it'd be hypocritical of me to not respect it but come onnnnnnn, nate mann!!) and, while some guys Do have a profile, they never post anything about MotA Ever (like fionn o'shea). further- some guys don't have a profile anymore, but they used to (like kai alexander). some guys have a private one (valid. also callum turner), some guys suddenly got Verified some time inbtwn the production and the premiere (the elliot(t)s), and some guys changed their user name (like josiah cross). every once in a long while, i have to go update my cast/crew instagram profile list on google docs with all the names and links and GODDDD i sound like a weirdass stalker now that i've put this all into words, but believe me when i say i'm very much not invested in any of the actors' personal lives!! i try to keep it as professional as i can (everything's sourced, like an archive). i'm only ever looking for the MotA stuff, Exclusively.

additionally, a lot of behind the scenes pics and videos would Only get posted in cast members' stories. if i missed that 24hr window, i'd never see it again (unless they decided to put them on their profile), so, i'd check their instagram profiles Every Day whenever i was free. on the bright side tho, a lot of them were Fantastic behind the scenes pics/videos and "watching" the production of this show from afar (through instagram, of all things) was a lot of fun in the midst of pandemic anxieties and boredom (go check my 'video' tag if you're ever in the mood for some on-set cast shenanigans!)

while i'm here tho, i've gotta say that while keeping up with the cast back then was fun the Vast majority of the time (if nothing else, it gave me something to do during the chaos of 2021/22), i had a sorta anxiety about it sometimes wrt the, idk, "sensitivity" of the content. it was very NDA This, NDA That. i figured, "well, if they already posted it in their stories, it's probably fine" until one of the cast members Literally made a whole tumblr account and very kindly asked if i could please remove a few of the pics i posted of him bc he technically wasn't allowed to post them in the first place, so having them Out There could get him in trouble! i was SOOOO embarrassed about it and i felt Awful about the possibility of him getting in trouble all thanks to some hyper-observant internet rando (thankfully, tumblr is famously lowkey. it'd be different if it was as popular as twitter lol). after that incident, i had this semi-anxiety about "should i post this pic or just That one? should i Not post this?? should i download/save them and post them after there's a big announcement of some kind??? where's the line?!! What Do Now???!!". it didn't help matters when, in the MotA behind the scenes facebook page, a bunch of really cool set pictures would sometimes get deleted within an hour bc Whoops! the poster actually wasn't allowed to share those (and, even if i'd already downloaded them before they got wiped, would i be able to post them, despite being under no such NDA myself? or would i get another mysterious DM?)

but that's all in the past, now! i'm pretty sure i've posted Every Single One of those behind the scenes pics/videos, provided i downloaded them in time. if not, sometimes the (finally active) MotA subreddit has my back lol.

further, looking for Any MotA content during from 2021 to 2023 came with acknowledging the eventual "droughts" (what i nicknamed them) where it'd be a good while before i saw anything new at all. bc of this, i have a legitimate soft spot for certain cast members who posted a lot of updates/pics/videos Wayyyy before we even got the first teaser (s/o to luke coughlan, louis greatorex, jordan coulson, josh bolt, and josiah cross for keeping hope alive)

tl;dr- it's no problem and i'm happy to do it!

[cath-with-a-c]

This is the comment I woke up to on Friday morning. The amount of bigotry hiding behind the almost polite and seemingly thoughtful wording is astonishing. 

I’ve responded to it already, informing the individual behind it that I won’t be discussing the points of the comment with them, as they’ve resorted to personally attacking me, which is...dumb. I mean, attack my work all you like, it either helps me grow as an author by learning from my mistakes or as a person by growing a spine and defending my work. But coming after someone who has no connection to this and can’t defend themselves because they are no longer with us? Low and disgusting. (Also wow, they’ve taken the time to find the only truly personal post I have on tumblr, and it’s more than a month old, what a commitment to come off as pathetic, really)

Anyway, while talking to that particular individual is out of question, I still kinda wanna address the certain things in the comment because wow, my first queerphobic comment and an excuse to talk more about “Nothing and Everything”, my boys and myself? How can I pass that?

(this is like... a long-ass one... prepare yourselves)

(I’m gonna refer to the commentator as “Fox” and, probably, “them” because well, I don’t know what their preferred pronounce are)

NB! I’m using the term “queer” as an umbrella term to mean everyone who isn’t strictly straight and/or cis-gender.

Let’s start from the top

1.

The best part about slashfic writers is that when they write about child abuse, child sex abuse, and drug and alcohol abuse while including gay characters, is that they’re really writing about the lives of gay men without realizing it. To you, gay men being abused and that being the arbiter of their homosexual identity is too homophobic to fathom. But you still confirm it in subtle ways, and that always brings a smile to my face. 

Now, English isn’t my first language, so I might be missing something, but If Fox meant being the arbiter of as in defining, being the reason for, than no, it’s not homophobic. It’s just dumb. One, there isn’t a single relevant scientifically accurate study on the abuse causing someone to “turn gay”. Two - there might be a correlation (and it’s not necessary there, I’m just guessing), but the cause and effect will be the other way around, queer kids get abused more because they are queer, not become queer as the result of the abuse. And, most importantly, three - in terms of sexual orientation, you can’t turn someone queer, as well as you can’t turn someone straight. It’s something you are born with and discover as you go along. 

And also the other two queer characters, Rob and Penny, weren’t abused by their parents and/or other family members, but we will touch on that later. 

2.

“The Brotherhood had no problem with homosexuality” - Of course not, and neither do the Templars. It’s the Current Year. You can marry/have sex with whomever you want, whatever you want, whenever you want.

Ignoring the fact that this was taken out of context, and the whole phrase has a slightly different meaning, there are two things that are factually wrong with this statement. First - even in the Current Year, there is a ton of places where being openly queer is dangerous, from the countries that have “anti-gay” laws (ranging from “you can be gay, but stay quiet or go to jail” to “die a horrible death for being gay”), to certain, let’s say, traditionally oriented places in the US. Second - this is not Current Year. The bulk of the story takes place between 1998 and 2003, this phrase is taken from the chapter taking place in 2003, 16 years prior, things were, let’s say, slightly different.

Also, I don’t understand why Fox tried to make this sound sarcastic, we are talking about two societies, with one canonically being for freedom and choice and the other one relying on public favor to propel their agenda, of course, none of them will have qualms with the GRSM community, 

3.

“Honorary gay parents of a gay kid” - Well no wonder the kid is gay. Look at the environment xe/xim/xer grew up in.

I like how Fox uses the non-binary pronounces referring to Penny, when the only thing that has been said about her/them is “I’m into girls.” Also out of 16 kids on the Farm, only 3 are confirmed to be queer. They’ve all grown up in the same environment, so that statement is... meaningless. And in case Fox was referring to Rob and Des turning Penny “gay” well, they’ve also been close with Sam and he’s - what a shock - straight! So again - meaningless.

I’m gonna skip Fox shitting on my friend’s art, again - such remarks are low, pathetic and not worth discussing, let’s get to the juicy stuff. 

4.

It’s amusing, no, to have a pansexual – an individual who is attracted to ‘all genders’ - writing about gay men so much? How many genders are there? Thousands? 51? All on the spectrum? Regardless, tumblrinas are as big on their sexual identities as they are on their activism. In this case, we have a person – presumably female – getting wet over two dudes banging. I’m simply wondering if they packed enough lube and had their enemas. Maybe it was hidden in their stash?

Well, as a matter of fact - they didn’t have lube in their stashes because the only way to get it was to essentially ask one of the adults going to the city to get it for them, can you imagine a 16yo asking something like that? Death from mortification would be the most likely outcome.

Seriously though, I write what I like about whom I like. The only thing it has to do with me being pansexual is that I have more confidence in writing non-straight characters and relationships because I know it’s fine, and my queerphobic background can’t silence me anymore. Also - Desmond isn’t gay, he is bisexual. Rob is gay, true. 

The amount of genders is still up for debate, in my personal opinion it’s all on the spectrum, and the only reason gender issues don’t come out in fiction as much as sexual orientations do is that gender in a lot of cases is a more personal thing than orientation, that’ll inevitably reflect on the inter-character dynamics. A lot of genderqueer people are fine with using male or female pronounces, which to an outsider would put them in respective categories. There are, of course, androgynous people, trans people, non-binary people and others for whom gender and the perception of their gender are important in day to day life - and there are more and more stories featuring them.

Also, on the note of pansexuality - it’s not “attraction to all genders,” it’s having an attraction to the person regardless of their sex or gender, those labels play an insignificant part in me deciding to pursue a relationship. (Also also there might be like a ton of things to discuss in regards to how sexuality relates to gender identities, but not here, not now)

And yes, I’m afab, so yeah, “female” and I do “get wet over the two dudes banging”. Fox got me. Now what? Shame Fox seemingly can’t conceptualize that I “get wet” because I wrote those boys in a story that contains a hard emotional journey full of heartbreak, and I do revel in the short happy moments they’ve got together. The sexual/sensual part is hot because it’s those particular two guys, not just random two guys. 

Oh, and the last thing here - I don’t know if it’s news for Fox, but not all people in a homosexual relationship engage in anal sex. Especially teens in their first relationship. Just saying.

Let’s skip another personal attack part, here we go, sorry that the phrase is broken up

5.

she educated a pansexual SJW into confirming every negative and dirty secret in the gay community: a brutal, abusive father, societal ‘homophobia’, drug and alcohol abuse, and feeling inadequate compared to heterosexual people.

Tbh, this is the part of the comment that had me confused for a moment, as I mistook Fox for one of the “hardcore gay” people, that think that with letters added to LGBT and by putting everything on the spectrum we somehow affect negatively the “real” gay community. The next paragraph cleared this shit for me tho.

Right off the bat - SJW isn’t a dirty word, Fox shouldn’t try to sell it as one. And I won’t label myself as a SJW, because as of now, I lack the commitment to the cause. 

For the next part, I’d really, really like to quote a line from one of my fav vines “Bitch, where?” but for the sake of politeness, I’ll go with “Citation needed,” because from all of the things mentioned, the only one that is really prominent in the text is the “brutal, abusive father”. Societal homophobia isn’t exactly in the text (pay attention, teen Rob is cautious about adults being homophobic, it’s a valid fear a lot of queer teens have prior to coming out, but the general atmosphere isn’t homophobic. If I wanted it to be, adding a scene of public shame/shunning for someone caught in the act wouldn’t be hard), no drug and\or alcohol abuse (1 scene of teens trying drinks for the first time doesn’t count - surprise, teenagers try drinking), and feeling inadequate is mentioned once as a fear of a nine-year-old Penny, who has no frame of reference other than heterosexual behavior of the others, and is corrected almost immediately by Rob.

6.

Was this about Assassin’s Creed? No, not really. Despite you being a HUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE fan, you don’t really respect these characters. Miles is a douchebag, it’s true, but he’s respected even by Otso Berg. That should tell you something. 

(I’d like to see an example of Fox-approved, really-about-Assassin’s-Creed fanfiction, for a future reference, but alas, they’ve commented from as guest)

Interesting how me not liking or respecting Bill, canonically abusive douchebag known for alienating people because of how cold and manipulative he is, translates into me automatically not respecting every other character in the series. 

Also, I don’t see how Otso Berg respecting William as an opponent should sway my judgment. I’ve mentioned here on my blog that I like Garnier de Naplouse as a villain - how self-assured he is, and how much quiet intelligence he has. Do I like him in general as a person? No. Do I respect him? No. He tortured people. I relished in seeing Altair murder him. 

With Bill, him being a douchebag and abuser is a deciding fact for me, I do not respect abusers, no matter how great they may be. But tbh, on the leadership front, I can’t quite decide if Bill is a fine leader given the circumstances, or if the number of instances of him being canonically shitty as a leader is big enough to call for his removal. 

7.

You crafted him into a predictable homophobic dad, albeit he isn’t Christian. I was waiting for the Bible to be thrown at Desmond.

Again - citation needed. One instance in the text of Bill being homophobic. Not abusive, not overly-demanding, but homophobic. 

(Spoiler alert - there isn’t one.)

As for the Christian associations - well, it’s in the tags. Literally. In this story, the Brotherhood is a cult, like the JWs, or the LDS church, but with Creed instead of a holy book. And I guess I succeeded in conveying the feeling.

8.

In another Tumblr post, you wrote about how William is very abusive to Desmond, and how that is inexcusable. You bring up Nikolai and putting his child out in the cold as punishment, and earlier, cited Philosophy Tube in regards to solitary confinement (which really shows a lot). How do you explore this concept?

I wonder what me citing Philosophy Tube shows, except for maybe that I find Olly to be a very pleasant narrator and that the themes he touches on are rather interesting (Olly is precious, protect Olly).

I think I was rather unsubtle with showing what exactly abuse, inflicted by Bill, did to Desmond. And not, not “turn him gay”, about that in a moment. I don’t delve like deep into what was happening in Desmond’s head because this story is from Rob’s perspective. Not Desmond’s.

This story isn’t about the relationship between Bill and Desmond. It’s about Desmond not living in a vacuum all those years on the Farm.

Write William being SO abusive he turns his son gay. You make him so homophobic Desmond reacts by engaging in self-destructive behaviour and, in turn, becoming your average gay man. Your OC, Richard, Robert is merely the bridge.

“Bitch where?!“ (c) 

1. Desmond isn’t gay. He is bi (because I’m keeping it as close to the canon as I can and I love Elijah to death). It’s in the tags, and it’s in the tags rather than stated because Desmond’s sexual orientation isn’t the point of this story, 2. Bill isn’t homophobic, at least not openly. There’s a different issue within the Brotherhood, the fact that they expect everyone born into the Brotherhood to have kids of their own. This is the source of Rob’s unease and perceiving adults as not reacting positively him or any other kid in a queer relationship.  3. If I wanted Bill to come off as homophobic, I’d portray him like that. Using slurs, for example.  4. Bill abuses Desmond not because he thinks his son is gay - he thinks his son is weak. In general. Not related to orientation. Like in the fucking canon. I’m merely turning the abuse factor up to eleven. 5. No one abused Rob, his father is shown in the text to be one of the best parents on the Farm - and Rob is gay. No one abused Penny, her family is mentioned briefly, but I specifically did it in a way that shows that they are nice - and she is a lesbian. Another boy, Colin, got abused by his strict mother - and he is straight. Desmond got abused by his father - and he is bi. There is no correlation between abuse and being queer.  6. Desmond's self-destructive behavior came from him being abused on a daily basis for most of his life and having no way out. Again, if it was linked to his orientation Rob would do that stuff too. He doesn’t.

9.

You make these characters gay because, as a ‘queer pansexual person’ you can. But you don’t really make them human. In fact, every single negative stereotype you want to protect yourselves from our oh-so-bigoted society are confirming them, while simultaneously denying that they exist.

In short, everything and everyone acted the way I expected to, and was written the way I expected a queer pansexual to write them: meaningless, with only the sexual identity taking place. Funny how that’s the only identity politics that’s allowed. Everything else is oh so bigoted.

I’m not denying the existence of the stereotype, I’m just not acknowledging it as valid, because it’s not. It’s like blaming violence on video games - you’d be hard-pressed to find a youngster who doesn’t play a semi-violent game of some kind, with blood and murder, but every time someone brings up that another shooter was playing those games, they forget to mention how many youngsters play and don’t commit murder as a result.

The same way Fox keeps bringing up the “abuse turned Desmond gay” without acknowledging that there’s a ton of straight teens that get abused worse than Desmond in this story, or the two queer kids right in the text who weren’t abused.

It’s also funny that Fox is adamantly holding to the “sexual identity” thing, despite the fact that it came up only in 5th chapter (with 4 chapters before that having nothing to do with sexual orientation) and it’s not even an identity/orientation thing. It’s the “relationship between Rob and Desmond” thing and “Desmond is clinging to as much happiness as he can because he has none” thing. The only time orientation comes up in term of identity it’s when Rob talks to Penny and thinks of himself as a closeted gay man, but it immediately switches back into the “relationship between two people” again. 

10.

You call yourself an AC fan? 

Yes. Yes, I do. Ain’t nothing some bigot on the internet can do about it ;)

(If you read this through to the end, I applaud you, thank you for your time <3)

[xawoshin]

another late night vent that i have nowhere else to post sorry in advance tumblrinas

but i genuinely don’t think i’m good enough for anyone. in not good enough for someone who has feelings for me to actually do anything about it, i feel exceptionally average in appearance, annoying, and unwanted. i cant use dating apps because i swipe left on people who are too conventionally attractive because i compare myself to them from just a single photo and decide that there’s no way they’d even give me a chance after meeting me and seeing how i look and how i act. i get attached to people for long periods of time and don’t know how to engage in short term “relationships” (hookups, dates with strangers, etc) because i’ve only ever known how to dedicate myself to one person and i can’t just... put myself into a romantic/sexual situation in my brain with a stranger, “dating” doesn’t work i have to be friends with someone before i start to like them. i really do think it’s extremely likely that i’ll never be good enough for anyone to want me as their partner and that i’ll soon be halfway into my twenties with no relationship experience and set myself up for disaster if i do end up finding someone and deciding to settle because i’m afraid of my life slipping away from me. and of course i have divorced parents so i guess the need to feel to settle is genetic ? idk. anyway i feel so lonely and also lost right now. i’m struggling with school too which is really the only other thing that brings me joy is to learn about art but i can’t even afford to register for classes so i feel like my life doesnt have a lot of meaning right now. and even when i’m in classes i can’t put all my energy into it because i’m physically and mentally exerting myself at a job that doesnt give two shits about me. the only other thing that was giving my life meaning or a reason to keep going has slipped away, leaving me alone and defenseless or something that’s so dramatic but i genuinely don’t know how to make myself happy when i can’t even work towards my future career goals because college costs so much. bc listen.. i have two main life goals. one is becoming an art therapist and the other is starting a family... both seem incredibly unreachable and i feel like the time i have left to work towards those goals are slipping away faster and faster. i’m living every day with practically no meaning and no matter how much i explain this to my friends they may try to comfort me but they can’t create meaning for me out of thin air. i genuinely don’t know what to do with myself i just feel like everything is pointless unless i’m rich enough to pay for school or rich enough to make myself prettier and more desirable. life is just dragging me along and i don’t want to be dragged anymore. i just want to sleep forever so that i don’t have to exist in a constant state of disappointment anymore.

[the-trans-diaries]

26.10.2020.

I have an hour and a half to kill so I’m gonna use that to hopefully get some stuff out on paper (or my keyboard, in this case)

I’ve been thinking about several things lately. Number one - I’m real fucking happy cause I found ways to dress that hide my hips and chest without a binder. This is a huge huge thing for me (having a C cup is no fun lol) and I actually quite like the style I picked. It’s not exactly something I’d wear if I wasn’t dysphoric af but I like it and it works so props to me 

Another thing is, between my scholarship, internship money and savings I’ve already got, I’ll be able to afford therapy and potential medication (idk if they’re gonna put me on anything, but I wanna have that covered just in case), and honestly at this point I’m kinda looking forward to it. I find it hard to open up to people (hence this blog) so I kept putting therapy off but at this point I can’t keep pretending everything’s fine, cause it really is not. I keep catching myself avoiding doing things that upset me or are unpleasant, even if they’re good for me long term, and honestly I’m fed up of doing that.

I also keep wondering what drove my former best friend to ditch me like she did. I haven’t written about this anywhere yet (I think?) so I guess it’s time to put that out too. Basically, sometime in august this year, we hung out in person for the last time as of writing this, and it was real nice. Nothing out of the ordinary, we messed around, both of us were a bit tired from finals and the fact that I was in the middle of moving, but it was nice. She suggested we go to a spa together, I said yes, and the only thing I asked for was for her dad to drive me home because it would be late and I didn’t wanna use public transport at midnight. She said sure, and that was everything that I remember happening. We hung out some more, and then we both went home.

And then...the next day she wasn’t responding to my messages. I thought to myself okay, maybe she’s busy. But then the next day, her facebook was gone. I got worried so I texted her and asked if everything was okay, and she didn’t respond until tomorrow (if I remember correctly). When she did respond, her tone was icy cold, very passive aggressive, and she told me she wants to use her fb for uni related stuff only (which was a lie, she made the exact same profile, but without me in her friends lmao), that she’s taking time away from me because she needs to think about something. If this was anyone else, I’d believe them, but with her it was obvious that it was a lie. I know what she’s like, and this isn’t the first time she avoids direct confrontation with someone. For someone who insists that communication is key in every relationship, be it romantic or platonic, she’s doing an EXTREMELY poor job following that philosophy. 

I can’t say it didn’t hurt. It really did, and I miss what we had. I miss having a best friend. I really don’t know what is it that triggered this behavior, but whatever it is, it was clearly something very serious. 

On that note, I really don’t want to be friends with her again. I don’t want someone who’s just gonna pack their bags and leave at random without telling me why they’re doing it in my life. I miss her, yes, but I wouldn’t take her back even if she tried, and I know that won’t happen because she’s the kind of person who doesn’t take action for anything. She doesn’t own up to her actions and only ever looks for excuses or justifications. 

I feel a lot lighter now, even if I do get lonely sometimes. I don’t feel as if something’s suffocating me anymore, so that’s something. It’s hard to explain, but looking back, I was a lot unhappier while we were close than now. I think it’s because I was exposed to a lot of her own emotions (not her fault, she had a lot going on at home and I can understand that) while trying to figure myself out and I guess that was a pretty bad combination. The distance is doing me good, but I really hope we can sit down one day and discuss what happened. I don’t like having unfinished business with anyone, and at this point I’m very curious as to what pushed her to leave. If it’s something I did, then I wanna know so I can work on it. 

It’s helping me to have a place to compile my thoughts and get them out of my head. I suck at verbal everything, so this is a great alternative for me.

Another thing that I did but forgot to log is that I told one of my irl friends that I have something to tell them but only after I see a therapist. I fully intend on coming out to her, but since (like I said) I suck at verbal everything I want to have a diagnosis from a psychiatrist first. I want to at least go to a few sessions, even if I don’t get a formal diagnosis immediately, before I tell anyone I know irl. I feel like people are reluctant to believe you when you say you’re trans (here where I live at least) if you don’t look a certain way aka dress extremely masc or extremely femme (depending on if you’re a trans guy or a trans girl), and I very much don’t look like that. I just want to be able to say “here, this is what I am and a doctor actually agrees with me” because I don’t wanna be laughed at and written off as a “trender tumblrina” as a lot of my irl friends like to call questioning people. Fucked up, I know, but honestly, they’re the very few friends I have, and I know I can trust them with this, even if they’re not perfect.

This is it for today I think, I can’t focus any more.