#do not perceive me i am fucking deranged

[umemiyan]

my feelings for megumi are growing quite similar to the feelings i have for anakin skywalker

this is alarming

[bitethedevil]

What do you like about the character of Raphael ?

A Feral Love Letter to the Devil We Know

Oh boy. Here’s my list of why Raphael is like catnip to me (it’s not short and it is possibly a bit extra deranged because I am currently sick).

Purely physical things that convince me that this man was made for me in a lab:

Brown eyes and dark hair has always been my type

The slight stubble and those cheekbones (generally just his whole facial structure is beautiful)

The fucking n o s e <3 <3

Those thick thighs (perfectly sittable and bitable). He is just perfectly shaped.

Those hands he waves in your face all the time and those long fingers (does things to me)

His clothes. Yes, even in cambion form and even the silly clown boots, I love them. It is just all too extra, and I live for it

Everything about his cambion form

I have this crazy theory. There has been made these studies that depending on hormone levels, women are attracted to different kinds of men. At one end of their cycle, they prefer more ‘feminine’ looking men, and on the other end they prefer more traditionally ‘masculine’ looking men. If I get tired of his human form, I get more attracted to his cambion form and the cycle repeats. I think that is why I just do not get tired of staring at this stupid man every day. I know I’m not crazy. It’s science (and we all know I’m a trusted scientist).

Non-physical things that intrigue me:

How expressive he is. I love how his face changes constantly and dramatically with each sentence he speaks. It’s mostly an act but he is so charismatic. He has ‘rizz’ like the kids would say.

I can’t fix him. I don’t want to. His mind games intrigue me. I want to study him like a bug and play mind games with him too (I’m not delusional enough to think I’d win). Let it be toxic as fuck on both parts.

This man is just chucking stones from his glass house like there is no tomorrow. He plays such a big bad devil, but he is really just a little wet cat with a god complex and daddy issues. Not to mention his little hissy fits if any of his perceived weaknesses are pointed out. I find it endearing (unfortunately).

His voice and his eloquence. I love it. Even his shitty poetry. I could listen to it for eternity.

He is so smart. I have been shouting it from the roof tops: he is not stupid. He is always ten steps ahead.

He’s honest. He doesn’t lie and you know where you’ve got him (if you know how to keep up with him).

Genuinely everyone thinks he sucks, both devils and mortals, and yet he thinks he is the shit, either genuinely or as a coping mechanism.

He just such a nuances character if you really dig into it.

Things I relate to:

The scheming and overthinking. Everything is meticulously thought out to the point of obsession. He is playing 4D chess but doesn’t even consider that the other players might just eat the pieces to win. He strikes me as someone who completely overcomplicates things for no reason, and I felt that.

His idea of order is very different from what’s actually orderly. It just has to make sense to him, like ‘what do you mean it’s not orderly to have dead people lying around, trash everywhere, and debtors running around aimlessly in my house? Completely intentional. What’s not clicking?”. I felt that too. There is order to my chaos, and you don’t have to understand it. I get it.

He’s a cringy theater kid with a love for poetry too.

I too find it annoying when other people don’t follow the script I had in mind for the conversation.

Just human enough to understand how human interactions works, but either doesn’t give a shit or genuinely thinks that just spouting vaguely threatening poetry to strangers is a completely normal thing to do.

The obsession and ambition that just completely makes him lose the plot of everything else.

He is just so obsessed with everything being perfect to a point where it almost seems silly.

Acts like he doesn’t care, but actually cares A LOT about how other people perceive him.

I could honestly keep going but you get the picture.

(Thank you for the ask <3)

[1800-page-not-found]

Another Lifetime | Gojo Satoru x Fem! Reader

I caught up with the manga and I think I'm going insane.

I was gonna make him a yandere but i switched up in the middle lol

ig i write for jujutsu kaisen now to yippie

Yall ever have those fucked up dreams of having a child or taking care of them only to wake up and realize your child doesn't exist, and will never exist?

If you do, then you can understand how Gojo acts in this story.

If you don't...just imagine how it feels to lose the closest person or animal to you, and for the entire world ignore the fact that you lost them and expects you to pretend they never existed in the first place. Something like that.

Something is wrong. Very wrong. You can feel it in your bones. Everything's the same, but different.

This... Gojo Satoru is not your Satoru.

What had happened that day? If only you were there to witness it. It was the first time you heard that the Gojo Satoru had fainted.

When he wakes up, he smiles, like his usual cheery self. But something's different. There's a hint of grief.

Everyone else seems to think he's fine. But perhaps its because they don't know him how you know him.

But now, do you even know him?

Day by day, he starts to stick less and less to his morals. He feels empty, a terrifying attribute for a man deemed the strongest. You just hope this Gojo Satoru will stay on the 'good' side.

Or maybe you never knew him at all.

Maybe, he held a facade, even in front of you. Maybe he was that broken this whole time. You wonder what happened that day.

But that's the past. Now...You wondered if you would survive today. It was no longer comforting, being alone with...Gojo was now a frightening experience.

"[name]." He smiled at you, yet it felt cold. Cruel. Evil.

"Yes, Gojo?" You answer back. He pauses.

"...You no longer call me Satoru." He is very close to you. It's suffocating.

"I thought you'd like to be called more formally." His smile drops. It's eerily silent, his eye pierce into you, seemingly tearing you apart until nothing is left.

"I see. Well! That's not what I really wanted to tell you!" And just like that, Gojo is happy. You can no longer tell if he means it or not.

"I escaped! That day-I was set free." He's spouting nonsense again. What does that mean?

"[name]." He grabs your wrist tightly. "are you afraid? Do you not like...the real me?"

The real him?

"Gojo, what nonsense are you spouting. Of course I like you." He smiles again.

"Just wanted to make sure. ⁱ ᵗʰⁱⁿᵏ ⁱ'ᵐ ᵍᵒⁱⁿᵍ ᶜʳᵃᶻʸ."

You exchange a few more sentences, and part ways. As you walk away, you can feel his eyes boring into your back, looking into your soul.

It's chilling. Gojo isn't smiling. Blood...Blood everywhere. Is this the day humanity ends?

"Gojo! What are you doing!?" You shout at him.

He turns around to face you. "Ah! [name]!" A smile that could only be perceived in nightmares appears on his face. "I got rid of them. They were going to hurt our family!"

You freeze.

He sees your reaction, and only grins in response.

"That day, I died. I really died. I couldn't use reversed curse technique. It was scary. 'How am I here then?' you might wonder."

He looks deranged, hysterical.

"It wasn't Jujutsu. A whole entire third world opened up." His face contorts to agony. "I lived a whole entire new life [name]! Free from curses, free from Jujutsu! We got married! We had a child, [name], a child! I was so happy-and, and-" He sounds crazy. He grips his hair, almost to the verge of pulling it out. "in a single moment-it all disappeared when I somehow came back to life."

--------

I...had a child? No, no, this is just him trying to get into your head!

--------

"It's not real."

"BUT IT IS, [NAME]. OUR DAUGHTER-SHE WAS REAL. ⁱ⁻ⁱ ʲᵘˢᵗ ʷᵃⁿᵗ ᵐʸ ᵇᵃᵇʸ ᵇᵃᶜᵏ…" He mumbles the last part. He crumbles to the ground, a sobbing mess.

This man...he is your Satoru. Just...broken.

But...if it's your Satoru, then you can accept it.

"Satoru..." You bend down. You're... crying.

He looks up at you, eyes red. "ʸᵒᵘ⁻ʸᵒᵘ ᶜᵃˡˡᵉᵈ ᵐᵉ ᵇʸ ᵐʸ ᶠⁱʳˢᵗ ⁿᵃᵐᵉ…" His voice is weak.

"I'm sorry." You pull him into a tight hug. "I'm sorry I couldn't accept you and comfort being at your lowest point."

The two of you hug for a long time, until Satoru pulls out a glass orb of sorts which glows a faint gold color. "Satoru?...What...What is this?"

"My baby...Our baby. I can bring her back, [name]."

But nothing's ever free in this cursed world.

"What price...must be paid?..."

He starts to sniffle, and breaks out into tears again. "I have to kill people [name]. I hate this. I hate this so much."

You pause. "How many?..."

"A thousand lives."

It honestly wasn't a hard decision. You hold your daughter's soul securely, then standing up.

"[n-name]?" Satoru looks up at you, wiping his tears away, just as yours start to pour.

"Satoru. From this day on, I will become a curse user. I'll take the blame. You have never hurt an innocent person, and I will have claimed a thousand lives. One day we'll meet again. Let me do this for you, please."

--------

It was terrible. Satoru knew that one day, your fate's would intertwine again. And on that day, you'd take your last breath.

"Under Jujutsu Regulations, t-the curse user known as [n-name]-he choked out a sob-[l. name] must be executed."

It was the first time after the day you left him, that he had cried again.

You didn't put up a fight. You smiled as blood poured out of your mouth. You held a piece of paper in your hand when you died.

It read:

I ᴅɪᴅ ɪᴛ, Sᴀᴛᴏʀᴜ. Fʀᴏᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴀʏ ᴏᴜʀ ᴅᴀᴜɢʜᴛᴇʀ ᴡᴀs ʀᴇʙᴏʀɴ, I ʜᴀᴠᴇ ɢɪᴠᴇɴ ʜᴇʀ ᴜɴᴄᴏɴᴅɪᴛɪᴏɴᴀʟ ʟᴏᴠᴇ. [ᴅ. ɴᴀᴍᴇ] ɪs ᴀ ʟᴏᴠᴇʟʏ ɢɪʀʟ. I ᴋɴᴏᴡ ʏᴏᴜ'ʟʟ ᴛʀᴇᴀᴛ ʜᴇʀ ᴊᴜsᴛ ᴀs ᴡᴇʟʟ ᴀs ʏᴏᴜ ᴅɪᴅ ɪɴ ᴏᴜʀ ᴏᴛʜᴇʀ ʟɪꜰᴇᴛɪᴍᴇ.

I ᴏɴʟʏ ᴡɪsʜ I ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ʙᴇ ʜᴇʀᴇ ᴛᴏ ᴇxᴘᴇʀɪᴇɴᴄᴇ ɪᴛ ᴡɪᴛʜ ʏᴏᴜ.

Sᴛᴀʏ sᴛʀᴏɴɢ ꜰᴏʀ ᴏᴜʀ ʟɪᴛᴛʟᴇ ɢɪʀʟ. I ʟᴏᴠᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ʟᴏᴛs.

⁻Yᴏᴜʀ ᴏɴᴇ ᴀɴᴅ ᴏɴʟʏ [ɴᴀᴍᴇ].

He cried for hours, holding your dead body. You named her the same name you had given her in his other lifetime. He...never told you what you named her.

--------

"Daddy!" A girl shouts gleefully as she gets pushed forward on a swing.

"Wheeee! Isn't this fun, darling?" Satoru pushes his daughter carefully.

"Very! Hehe!" The little girl giggles.

--------

Satoru opened his eyes as he awakened on a grassy field. 'I fell asleep...where am I?' He looks around to see a faint figure on a hill, painting.

Walking closer, he sees, it's you. It's...you?... "[n-name]?"

He runs and hugs you so tight, you think you'd have died again from his hug.

"I can't stay long Satoru but... I wanted to check up on you. How is [d. name]?"

He smiled. "She's turning seven next month! She's also inherited your cursed technique."

"That's lovely. I'm so proud of you Satoru."

"Of course! I'm not the strongest sorcerer for nothing! It makes me the best father!"

You two talked for what seemed to be like an eternity.

"I have to go now, Satoru." You smiled softly.

"I know name. I love you. [l. name] [d. name.] loves you a lot too. She's never forgotten about you or what you look like, and I intend to keep it that way."

Your eyes widen in surprise. He gave her your last name.

"Goodbye. I love you, Satoru." You whispered as you faded away.

[saintsenara]

Have you read cursed child? I recently read it on my friend's recommendation after years of avoiding it as bad fanfiction. Which, it definitely kind of is! I was, however, pleasantly surprised by Ron and Hermione in it... I can't believe this fandom doesn't talk more about how Ron chooses to die with her and how Hermione asks him to kiss her before the dementors sweep in on them. This is the stuff of dramatic fanfiction! People complain about Ron being very... movie!Ron in the play, but they're so in love I almost don't even register it. And him asking her to marry him again! God. They're so good. Why isn't Romione more popular.

thank you very much for the ask, anon!

i have not read the cursed child - partially this is a result of having got back into harry potter fandom during the pandemic, and therefore having missed the period when it was everywhere in 2016-ish; partially it's because having returned to the fandom after jkr went off the deep end does make me less comfortable engaging with her newer ip, even in circumstances where she doesn't get any money from it; partially it's because i don't have the backbone to be perceived as a harry potter adult while buying it from a charity shop.

which is a shame, because - as you outline here - it sounds so fucking camp, which is something right up my alley. and i do really like many of themes and tropes which emerge in it - i am, for example, a paid-up bellamort baby truther; i like the concept of scorbus; i saw an absolutely deranged post once where someone was trying to claim that cursed child proves snamione is canon, and that's nonsensical energy i respect; someone sent me a picture of a scene where harry polyjuices into voldemort and tells delphini she's not as good-looking as bellatrix once, and i screeched; i am genuinely impressed to hear that it does romione well...

we could have had it so good, but i fear it's not to be.

[runthepockets]

I think people either forget or ignore that I have autism cus I'm extroverted and energetic and outgoing and athletic and don't have a very hard time in social situations but I very much am still autistic. Like, I can't read body language and I see a lot of social rules as really facile and thus can't conform to them, I ask a lot of questions about how things work and why, I'm really blunt, I can't decipher passive aggressive commentary or sarcasm a lot of the time and anything less than a "Jared fuck off" isn't something that computes with my brain, and of course I have a lot of special interests.

Idk it's crazy (but not surprising, considering how our society treats neurodivergent people) how even other autistic people have these very narrow and stereotypical ideas of what autism looks like and get mad at you for not being autistic in a way that they can compute or that doesn't, like, give them some sort of up in the social hierarchy (think of how any time autism is brought up in a positive or even nuanced context, it's in context of people Satoshi Kajiri or Temple Grandin, never just the quiet working class guy on the subway or the kid who picks fights all the time in class, or anything). Like people are quicker to write me off as some kind of master manipulator who doesn't care about other people's feelings rather than just pause for a minute and be like "oh yeah, this guy's brain doesn't work like it's supposed to, maybe I should show him a little patience and empathy instead of perceiving him as a deranged male aggressor just cus he doesn't fully understand the contrived social expectations I just assumed he would know, maybe I should show him a little patience and empathy instead of dickriding him without lube." Idk I'm a pretty smart guy and I'm pretty good at reading people but I still have fucking autism, I'm not a fucking robot, I'm a person doing his best.

[diancite]

Cynthia or Diantha for the ask thing 👀

ok i was going to do both but then when i started doing diantha my brain screeched to a halt so just take cynthia lmao

favorite thing about them

oh god. fuck. i cant pick just one thing. but i love how she's just. so Rambly. like every bit of dialogue she has is so fucking long. she cannot shut up (affectionate)

least favorite thing about them

this is gonna be a funny one but. i used to absolutely hate her classic outfit. i thought the flared pants looked horrible. and to an extent i still do. but she makes it work. otherwise i hate how the fandom treats her. agony

favorite line

"The kind of world I want to see is where everyone can share their joy. Where Pokémon and the people around them can be happy for each other. I want the world to become a place where everyone is smiling. The world could be so much better if we all tried to make it that way." she has many good lines but this one is just. ough

brOTP

her, steven, and lance make such a fucking funny trio (property damage trio!!!!!) they are all besties and worsties. just trust me

OTP

.... based on how ive been talking lately ppl would assume it's phaesporiashipping but it's actually snazzyshipping. i just think they're neat. transfem/transmasc solidarity. both nonbinary bisexuals. malewife girlboss vibes(when in actuality this is not. really true). also it is important to note i imagine cynthia as 6'2(without the heels.) and lucian as 5'8. sorry i am utterly deranged i had to ramble about them a little bit bc i have never actually talked about the specific hcs i have for them.

rlly im a huge multishipper tho i enjoy most cynthia ships!!

nOTP

other than the obvious proshitter stuff. i cannot see her and steven romantically. they are besties and steven has never once perceived a woman in a romantic way okay

random headcanon

cynthia literally only started wearing heels all the time to piss off lance. lance is normally like. an inch taller than her or something but in heels she is noticeably taller.

unpopular opinion

im gonna be real honest i am so utterly detached from cynthia fans that i have no real gauge of what popular opinions on her are. i sit here in my little corner and provide art and shitposts and my heavily self indulgent headcanons

song i associate with them

don't you dare forget the sun by get scared. i have been looping it for the past day now because it's giving me such huge brainrot for her okay.

favorite picture of them

fuck. theres so many i love but for the sake of picking just one here

look. her fucking smirk. she just knows she's about to wreck your shit. i love her

[genderplugin]

tw// me being annoying

ok so like for gender and sexuality are completely divorced people shut up i haven’t reconciled that and ever since i came out and it has broken my brain >:(

i guess i am probably bisexual but i def like boys more but i seriously hate talking about dating stuff/attraction with my friends because i swear i can literally feel their perception of my gender change whenever i talk about it. it really scares me because like i will feel lots of guilt around my gender and how i’m “performing” and idk i’ve had so many experiences now where i’ll talk about boys i’m obsessed with and people will just talk to me like i’m a faggot or twink 😭 idk i usually feel pretty ok with how i’m perceived with friends but like as soon as i talk about attraction like i literally wanna put my hands on my head and rip my skin off. i’m def not lesbian but there’s like such a stigma around all trans girls being lesbians and i’m terrified to be seen that way too… i feel like people poke fun at it in both ways where if i like boys i’m gay and if i like girls i’m actually just a straight man and i can’t fucking win… i don’t know the amount of times i have been called a twink when i go out dancing has had such a bad effect on my sense of self 😵‍💫😵‍💫 (also fuck djboywife lol). it’s gotten to the point where i like literally get sad when gay men are attracted to me and it happens literally all the time. even last summer i was seeing this guy for like a month and he would say so much shit to me that wasn’t mean spirited but would get in my head so badly :-( like he would always ask my to top him and one time said my facial hair was tickling his face (immediately started laser after this) and i was like oh this person definitely sees me as a man :)))) and like i was dumb enough to ask him about it and he said he was attracted to how “androgynous” i am 😭

like i don’t know i don’t actually hate the idea that sometimes during sex i should feel more fem and sometimes i should feel more masc like that’s kind of a pretty idea but i swear i’ve had some of my most dysphoric moments during it and like i will literally go nonverbal.

and ALSOOO like big thing i hate the way other trans women talk to me so much. like haha funny trans women are all horny but literally they just say deranged shit to me that i doubt they would say to a cis woman so quickly and it makes me feel so gross like how about u be nice to me for like 10 texts instead of talking about what u want to do to me!!!! and then i feel like i can’t even be mad at them because i’m like a prude or something and should just be comfortable with people saying deranged shit to me when i barely know them just because we are both trans???????????? like i get being down bad sexting is fun but it’s seriously like the lack of even seeing me as a person before they start that that makes me wanna cry

really i’m just exhausted and angry because whenever i yearn i feel like i have to do it correctly or else it will affect people’s perception of me and it’s so fucking annoying. i could be literally crazy and projecting my insecurities ig but also like, i don’t know i see that pattern with how people treat me 😭😭 like i just wanna like pretty boys who actually see me as a woman but it always feels so impossible!!!!!!!!

anyways this was entirely incoherent i’m sure i started points and didn’t finish them but i’m not reading any of this again before i post i am just sad methinks

[bluehydrangeasss]

Everytime I speak, people misunderstand. Like every fucking time. And now idec to explain it. I'm so much misunderstood that now I don't even want to give a fuck abt it but holy shit, I have this shitty mind that makes me overthink abt each and everything. Idk if even my future husband would understand me. I'm so much misunderstood that now people perceive me as a dumbass. Idk if I'll ever find someone who gets me. Who gets what I mean. Who gets what I am trying to convey. To whom I won't have to explain what I meant. Who would not consider me "slow processing mentally ill deranged dumbo". Idts anyone is there for me but I hope there is someone out there.

No one has ever liked me. Idek a single person who might have thought of me romantically. Do I look this bad? Am I this deranged weirdo in people's pov? Idk if someone would ever experience true love for me. I might fantasize or think abt what my future husband is doing rn. But I'm unlovable. He would never like me. Whoever gets married to me would think at a point in his life that they probably did something very bad that they are stuck with me. He would cheat on me thinking that "this dumbass bitch would never get to know and even if she gets to know she I'll tell her that she's a curse for me and he wants to get rid of me". No one would ever love me. My parents also hate me. Idk what they did to deserve me. I hope they might have got a better daughter. I think all the people I know or I have met have done something very bad that they have to know me. Idts my bsf might have done smth this bad that she got a weirdo like me to be her bsf. I hope she meets better people than me in her life. But I don't want to leave her because she's the only one who knows everything abt me. But I don't want her to be stuck wid me. She's too sweet of a person to deserve a useless person like me. I don't remember a single time I might have helped her somehow. Idk what kind of bsf i am. My teachers and classmates don't even know me because I don't have my own identity. Idts no one knows me in my previous class yet except some people who were unfortunate enough to get to talk to me. My new classmates don't know me till now. Or maybe they do know a stupid person with specks whose name they don't remember. I used to think that if I get good grades people will know me but they don't. They don't even care. They don't give a shit abt it.

I was never made to be loved or taken care of,

I was made to be hated and judged and to be talked shit about,

And I deserve that, for reasons I don't know or maybe I do.

[seeker-ophelia]

But wait there's more.

Forewarned,

#Long Post, and also a (bad) Literary Analysis by an Electrician.

Okay, I've been in angst for so long I re-watched a much of older Jane Austin moves on Netflix and... you guys... they're all solavellan.

Solas & Predjudice

A slew of miscommunications and “prejudices” cause a kerfuffle for the Bennet family. The main couple, Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy, eventually find love after throwing away their pride, and the prejudices they heard about the other from untrustworthy sources. All of the attraction between the two is conveyed without them touching, halted broken voices, the infamous “hand,” etc.

Austen is thought to have taken her title from a passage in Fanny Burney's Cecilia (1782), a novel she is known to have admired: "The whole of this unfortunate business," said Dr Lyster, "has been the result of PRIDE and PREJUDICE. ... if to PRIDE and PREJUDICE you owe your miseries, so wonderfully is good and evil balanced, that to PRIDE and PREJUDICE you will also owe their termination."

The American novelist Anna Quindlen observed in an introduction to an edition of Austen's novel in 1995: Pride and Prejudice is also about that thing that all great novels consider, the search for self. And it is the first great novel that teaches us this search is as surely undertaken in the drawing room making small talk  (hello, DragonAge Dialogue) as in the pursuit of a great white whale...

Next is Jane Eyre, in which the male Protag, Edward, might be the best comparison to Solas I can imagine.

Jane (well spoken, soft, witty, good, kind) falls in love with a loner but rich landowner (Edward). There is something fishy about him tho, we are led to believe there's something dangerous/off about him, if he is housing a demon/animal, or is in fact a demon himself. They attempt to marry, but the ceremony is stopped. Its discovered "the demon" is his wife, a mentally unstable woman who Edward married to save. He literally calls her “My own demon.” He wants to protect this deranged woman (out of duty? misplaced duty?) but loves Jane deeply. Jane runs away, makes a life for herself, feel guilt, then goes back to him to find his house burned, the woman dead, and Edward blind. They kiss, you assume happy ending.

Edward thought to protect Jane by NOT FUCKING TALKING TO HER Bro like come on what are you even... like you should have fucking told her. Gods damn it Solas Edward just use your outdoor voice and talk to the pretty lady.

They do end up together, but only after Edward has gone through great physical and emotional strife, pretty much of his own doing, I think we can all agree.

And I'd be remis to not talk about Persuasion, because the scene is set so perfectly for Veilguard.

In Persuasion, the book starts up several years after protag Anne breaks off her Engagement with Love Interest (TM) Captain Frederick Wentworth.

Once AGAIN, through NOT FUCKING TALKING TO EACH OTHER, they think the other has moved on, and they try not to intrude on the others life. But (in the movie), Wentworth writes her a beautiful confession letter, which I will put here with some *minor* modifications:

Dearest Inquisitor Levellan, I can listen no longer in silence. Vhenan, you pierce my soul. Dare not say that man forgets sooner than woman, that his love has an earlier death. I am half agony, half hope. I know too much time has passed, and you have moved on, but I will never forgive myself if I do not tell you this. You alone have brought me to heel. For you alone, I think and plan. But of course, you have not seen this, how could you? Because your love has not lasted as long as mine. Vhenan, I have loved no one but you and I don’t think I ever will. I have thought many times about how to tell you this. But the pain of a love unrequited (except for Soals it’s the pain of perceived duty/guilt) rendered me silent.  Tell me not that I am too late. My love for you has never faltered. Yours, eternal, Solas Fen’Harel What is even your real name just tell me cuz its NOT FUCKING WISDOM YOU DUMB EGG

Solas is so ANCIENT, and GDL voices him SO WELL, with that welsh-tinge, its so hard NOT to put this love story in with the romance classics. Especially with the main theme being JUST TALK TO EACH OTHER YOU FUCKING IDIOTS.

I am just hoping and praying and huffing that copium that we get a happy ending, and not a sad one.

Or even better, through our interactions with Solas' memories, that we get to choose.

remember recent posts about that scene?

it was mostly about a solavellan reunion

it suddenly hit me and unblocked a bonus fear: solavellan ending just like in the movie/book. like a bit melancholic yet happy ending in which love wins and future seems much brighter than before and... then you found out it isn't real, it's just a story told by someone else as a try to make things right for them and bring a happiness because they deserved it even if the reality was never kind to them.

Varric, a storyteller, if you will try to make this Atonement thing to me, I will find you and I will kill you.

Movie: "Atonement", 2007

Book: "Atonement", Ian McEwan, 2001

[waluijoe]

i have this Thing where i ,,,, feel like i am TooMuch as person w too many interests who lie in too many different places, with too many ways to think & talk & feel, and above this all the crown is that i HATE being perceived but i want to talk&learn so badly. 

ive found that in relationships of any kind this could be difficult to deal w... it creates this thing where pple might think i’m extremely intelligent&resourceful&passionate so they idealize me and they will listen but they won’t participate. then i start feeling like i should be a little less so i can stop being intimidating & they can start sharing too. then i never know how to be fully myself again because i’ve understood that if i was, it meant facing disconnect. like, they’ll think they can’t add anything to the convo and 1) not speak, therefore, i feel lonely 2) ignore me entirely (on apps mostly) so somebody else can deal w me instead like im a bother 3) pretend they listen/care but only answer in questions & never actually find meaning in what i say or try to dig deeper into it 4) listen, truly, and keep my ideas w them, and speak those ideas to other pple but never actually follow through much with me by adding to the convo later on or in the moment etc 

or, pple might be judgemental. so then i hide little parts, i hide interests, i speak of them a Little bit because i don’t wanna lie or be a different person, but i never really dig into what i wanna talk abt half as much as i truly want to because i know it won’t be met well. so then i start having this unconscious lists of topics that are palatable depending on who’s in front of me. and i adapt. 

or, i start compartmentalizing my own fkcing personnality. my own interests. can’t talk abt this here, thats fine, i’ll create a twitter specifically for that one thing. oh but now, i wanna talk abt That other thing, slightly linked, but different, maybe thats too chaotic to add here, maybe it doesnt fit, maybe pple will perceive too much, i should create Another twitter for This specific thing ? or maybe i should just not talk abt it. yeah. sounds good too. i have literally 4 tumblrs, 3 different twitters, just so i can safely spread out my interests becos one day i’ll feel like speaking a bit more personnally, the next i’ll feel like “no i should only speak abt the topic when i have meaningful things to say or else i sound DUMB and whiny and pple will see i have feelings that arent greatly worded analysis” im so fkcing HHHH i feel like i won’t let myself exist as a full person ANYWHERE because i keep seeing Other pple and they seem like theyre put together and they only speak One way, they only have Specific likes, they know the social clues, the social contexts, the workings of things, and they fit into it. i dont understand Shit abt anything.. worse, i do, but i don’t fit in and i don’t know how other pple do, and i can’t bring myself to commit to the rules & the fitting in because it makes me feel like a liar. 

maybe i should just Not give a fuck and create a space where i can say whatevr the fuck i want and it wld not matter at all, but i would feel too bad for that if someone perceived it. if im alone, like here, it doesnt mtter, no one reads this. but if i mention a band i like, suddenly my brainworms activate like “if pple search this band, THEY WILL KNWO WHAT U SAID, they will its YOU, theyll think you’re a fkcing PRICK or DERANGED” like okay.. what abt existing huh. you wrong footed fuck. im so tired. i wanna find a meaningful space or some type of freedom but i never feel,,, satisfied. i never feel home anywhere. i never feel home within myself, i hate that pple might see that. 

[nana-glass-chillhop-radio-hour]

fucking hilarious to me that Hayward has now been a part of creating not one but TWO separate gods and he did not think to mention his previous experience even once to his comrades-in-arms the second time around. head empty. literally just carnival music playing in there are all times.

[monte-charlo]

🙃🔫

[desertsfic]

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) wanna share those onions?

(in reference to me saying i have a lot of "onions" which are like opinions, but better, and often times, have layers (y'know, an ogre, perhaps) about alpha dave and his opinions on bro)

Yes, PC, I will share my onions with you. ONCE!!!!!!!!

Okay to start I want to apologize because I'm going to talk about their personalities again. A lot probably. And also apologize to you because we are buddies so I'm going to try to sound less ???? idk i never actually sound academic just slightly unhinged but because we're friends I am going to sound slightly MORE unhinged than usual because i feel weird talking about this lol (WARNING: i'm talking about abuse again who is surprised but also apologies.)

ANYWAY.

TO START: We can refresh and go over the Dave vs Dave vs Bro debate if you want but there is also the Director's Cut on Ch 45 which i feel like covers a lot of the way that the Guardians tend towards thinking of their counterparts as themselves and therefore (at the beginning) have a tendency to treat them as Less-Than-People lol.

NOW.

I mean I think it is pretty clear at first that Dave (we're just going to call him Dave here sorry but assume i mean A!Dave unless i say otherwise) really truly just points right at him and goes "This is Dirk."

He doesn't super know what that means yet like he's got that funky instinct there's a jam in the radio signal in his brain but he knows, the way a guardian is supposed to, that This is Dirk.

but he also perceives him as a threat. I think that is my second favorite thing about their relationship. There is a mutual "oh this dude would fucking eviscerate me huh" between them.

Fortunate for us, then, that Dave is slightly deranged, high on life, and more than a little determined to make Bro his new friend.

I think that there is probably a point where Dave gave up his Hollywood glamor, his persona, his facade, because he did not need it anymore, or he only put it on for special occasions, but I think it's an easy routine for him to slip into, and I think that seeing Bro here, this fucked up concept of Bro-Dude-Irony-And-The-Sincerity-Beneath-It he is so perplexed and somehow jealous he's just like

oh my god he's ridiculous

oh my god i HAVE to know more i think this man might be insane

We're not getting into Dave's Oedipal complex. The jokes write themselves, I am merely the pen through which they flow.

I do think that finding out that Bro died is something like a gut-punch to him. Like there is always going to be a part of him that screams "Failure" at the aspect of his kid (no matter how big, shitty, and disconnected from him) dying, and the fact that Bro is three years younger than he should be in 2012 will always be a reminder of that.

Moving on.

For the sake of this becoming googly doc length, Fairly quickly he finds out that this dude is not just A Dirk but is in fact kind of fucked up. Like, varying levels of fucked up depending on the day but still fucked up. But he doesn't want to admit that he's off because that would mean admitting that Rose is right and he IS in over his head, and it makes it more frustrating and honestly a little heartbreaking the more he gets to know Bro, and when he finds out about the way beta session Dave was raised, in Ch 43.

So okay.

Here is where I sound like a dick.

Here is where I think I might get in trouble with people but like.

I think a lot of people expect Dave to go off on Bro about this, or like, beat him up or some shit idk. I've seen all sorts of things get said but you know the thing is,

The thing is we don't really know much about how Bro and Alpha Dave grew up? and at least in this case, and it's kind of hard to explain because i'm not excusing it but i'm not sure we can rule out the concept that the relationship between Dirk and a!Dave would have been, if Dave had raised Dirk, complicated after all. Would Dave have trained Dirk to use a sword? he didn't have Cal so surely even if he had it wouldn't have been that bad but at the same time what makes teaching someone to use their Strife Specibus "okay" vs "not okay"? Whatever Mom and Rose had going on was a fucking nightmare, and beyond John and Dad fighting with shaving cream and cake, everything else looks??? super fucking bad lol

Anyway so I guess I do wonder to a point, what he would think, in that scenario

but we are not in that scenario

the scenario we are in is that a survivor of a hostile alien takeover (though can we call him a survivor if he died?) is confronted with the fact that the alternate version of someone he considers to be his kid, abused a kid version of him, was cruel and unkind and unforgiving in all aspects of their relationship.

But that's a hard fucking thing to grasp. That's a hard concept to tackle because at this point, we have a dude who has watched people die, who has killed people, who hasn't even SEEN a kid due to the condesce and all her weird shit I guess idk i don't remember canon, whatever, in YEARS, probably, so what does it mean to him that a kid who he doesn't even know beyond his own point of reference, himself, suffered at the hands of a Dirk?

Like, how do you grapple with that? Does he have the right to be mad? IS he mad? does it make him angry? or does it make him pity them both, to a point. Is he angry, but frustrated, beyond that, because it's so fucking obvious that both of them are miserable, and later, when he pushes Bro over it, and Bro basically says he doesn't WANT to do it again but that he would do whatever was necessary for the timeline, does THAT make him mad not because Bro is excusing his behavior but because he won't even fucking admit that he actively chose a decision that hurt himself the most??

I don't even know if he'd be protective over Dave or DS for it. Tbh I don't really think so. Neither of them particularly like him, and it's clear at this point, to Dave, that they are both hanging their little hopes on the Get Bro Better program lol. I don't even think A!Dave WOULD do anything unless possibly DIRK asked him to. because. waves hand at complicated Dave vs Dave bullshit. Like, Dave's happiness fully hinges on Dirk's happiness. If Dirk wanted him to do something, he would. but he doesn't. So he never will.

Shittily, to quote myself, "Bro Strider is not a good man, or wasn’t a good man, but for whatever fucked up reason, your kid cannot rest until he learns to redeem himself. However long that takes."

Idk. it's complicated. I think a part of him really resents Bro for it, because he DID have the an opportunity to grow up with Dave, something he never had, he never even got the CHOICE, and he fucked it up so irreparably that none of them will be able to take it back, not ever ever ever. He had the opportunity to love his kid and be loved by his kid and he fucked it up. It's not FAIR. None of what Sburb handed them was FAIR but Bro made the worst choice and it impacted them both so fucking bad that it rippled through the timeline, and now Dave has to deal with Dirk feeling responsible for something he didn't even DO. it's just. a lot.

What would beating up Bro accomplish? Killing him? Nothing, because he thinks he deserves it, because it's what he wants, because it's the easier way out.

I don't feel like I need to outright spell out that Lil Cal is basically an allegory for substance abuse in this scenario but. I also won't let us excuse Bro's actions as "Not Him" because of something as flimsy as "mind control" lol.

The whole point is that Bro is a Dirk, and he is a Dirk in the most extreme way (this is all part 2 stuff but like. C'mon. it's relevant, i know you know that). He is a version of Dirk who was bent cruel and believed so much more in fulfilling his own vision that he didn't stop think about the consequences. Or maybe he did, maybe he didn't care. We don't know. It's a lot. It's a whole lot all the time.

So where does that leave us? Where does that leave them?

Basically, I don't think David in this scenario has any right at all to properly judge Bro like some kind of fucking, court room drama. I just don't see that in the cards, man.

I do think that from Dave's perspective there is a level of "we have both done bad things for a purpose we assumed was greater" which is not necessarily healthy, but unfortunately rings true, a certain amount. He sees the similarities between them. That is part of the reason they get along so well, I think. There is a level of understanding that they are not who they used to be, or are trying to be different now, and more than that Dave, fucked up as it is, believes in him. and I think Bro needs this weird, semi-uncomplicated relationship with a Dave who he has not hurt before, who knows he's fucked up, but wants to be around him anyway, but without all the baggage.

It's not perfect, of course, and they still run into a lot of infuriating walls of horseshit, but I do think that Dave genuinely likes him, and believes he can be better, too, if he just puts in some serious fucking effort for once, jesus christ.

So that is just like. The bare minimum of my onions on their relationship. yes.

[kajillionaires]

i’m literally insane like insane like i dunno i make the most ridiculous replies ever i can never be texted bc it’s either i try ridiculously hard to match whatever energy received even though i’m objectively terrible at it or i do not reply and then i accidentally open it and then have to reply and rather than reply normally i need to explain that i’m actually socially inept as a preface to the actual message that i want to say and then it gets long and rambly and ridiculous and i do hope it comes off as charming and not like deranged as i perceive it because i am so wholly and completely humiliated by the paragraph reply i’ve just sent to someone who replied to my story a week and a half ago who i never answered for um unknown reasons but they’ve already texted back which makes me feel even fucking worse because how inconsiderate do you have to be to ignore someone who is that nice and i’m just so embarrassed guys and what’s worse i already forgot what i wrote in the paragraph i sent it no more than 3 min ago and i couldn’t tell you a single word of what i wrote in that

[3liza]

hey im not gonna spread your weird social media-mediated brain infection on my blog, instead here are some cool studies to look at about how the "beautiful people have an easier life, every day, all the time" is a simplistic view, and is also patriarchal as fuck. more recent studies on "beauty privilege" are finding that the issue is complex, and that perceived beauty acts as a negative pressure in some/many social situations. i have always wondered why my experiences varied so much from the apparent wonderland the pop-science concept of "beauty privilege" paints, and more recent studies (often designed by women this time, imagine) are getting into the complexity there.

you personally may want to think about not reading my social media accounts if they are making you feel and act like this. i think i am not going to interact with you anymore if i can help it because i feel bad about what it is doing to you. anyway.

the short version is that beauty is beneficial in heterosexual social situations when dealing with the opposite sex, but detrimental when dealing with the same sex. this aspect of the research is usually ignored because who needs nuance in their pop psychology, right? not this guy (pointing 2 self)

very simply put, a beautiful woman can flirt her way out of a ticket from a heterosexual male cop. if she tries it on a person who doesnt consider her a potential romantic partner, there may be (and apparenly often are) negative consequences.

similarly in my own life i find that 99% of the apparent opportunities i'd been given for being young and fuckable were predicated on me actually fucking* the person who "offered" them, and most of them turned out to be fake/insincere opportunities anyway. tumblr refers to this as "grooming" when applied to child subjects (which i was, for much of it) but the behavior persists into the target's adulthood, middle age, and even old age if certain conditions are met. i can't find any studies on this because you can't put a Sleazy Guy in a lab setting and ask him "hey were you actually going to hire this woman on hte up-and-up, or were you going to 'hire' her and then spend 16 months making increasingly deranged sexual harassment attempts before reporting her to HR for made-up reasons and then finally firing her or hamstringing her career? just wondering".

i always think about that episode of Always Sunny where Mac goes nuts because every kid in his class was molested by the gym teacher and he imagines this to be some sort of privilege, even though charlie was one of the victims and is clearly devastated by it. thats what this conversation feels like every time it gets to the level of anons making fake tumblr accounts to KEEP pestering me about this stuff. remember that thing i said earlier about blood in the water, and how i dont post about bad shit that happened to me because it attracts the wrong kind of attention??? hehuehueheuheuhuehriuhgfidsrhru

actually thats a whole other realm of study: why victims of sexual assault and abuse are often re-victimized. until recently it was assumed that the victims were making bad decisions in who to trust, and this is sooorrrrtt of true, but doesn't tell the whole story. i read a study once that i am trying to find and will post later if i find it, that took video of adult women study subjects (who had agreed to be filmed) walking normally just down the street publically, and showed this video to male test subjects. if im remembering the study correctly, which i may not be, the male subjects who scored higher on psychopathy indices were better able to indentify the women in the test footage who had been sexually assaulted at some point in their former lives.

something to think about is a lot of "attractive" qualities (including proccupation with physical appearance leading to altering that appearance to be more beautiful), especially in the manic pixie archetype, are very strongly represented in trauma victims, especially sexual assault survivors (as is the opposite, intentionally trying to be "unattractive" to avoid further victimization). this includes "seductiveness", one of the adjectives used to diagnose child sexual abuse victims before the verbiage in the literature got cleaned up. obviouly a child cant be "seductive" and thats pretty offensive and fucked up to say. what they meant is that the childs behavior has been altered by trauma to become sexualized to appease attackers. this is part of the "fawn" sector of emergency responses in humans (along with fight, flight, and freeze).

so when we talk so cavalierly of "beauty" and "attractive people" vs "unattractive people" we are simplifying an issue that is so complex it is difficult even to think about. this complexity makes me go "hmm" every time theres a study on it, much less a popular belief. a lot of it sort of doesnt square with easily-observable phenomena: if physical beauty is so correlated to success, why are the 1% of wealthy people, politicians, actual power-holders, hell even the CEOs of normal companies, very very rarely what you would consider physically beautiful, even when they havent aged out of what the culture thinks is the maximum span of time someone can be "hot"? some of this is just personal preference, and it's real hard to study any of this because of how complex that issue becomes. but where are all these hot successful people i keep hearing about? are they all trophy spouses and retired from the public eye? you can definitely cherrypick examples of "influencers" etc but thats an extremely narrow line of work, and not representative.

anyway! lot of the "do beautiful people get more stuff" research is from quite a while ago, wasnt designed well, and was based on a work and social culture that was quite a bit different than it is now. but even older studies document this effect. ive spent like many minutes typing about this stupid bullshit so im bored and annoyed now and i dont want to type about it anymore

1. Effects of Self-Esteem Threat on Physical Attractiveness Stereotypes

2. Does being attractive always help? positive and negative effects of attractiveness on social decision making (cant find the sci-hub version, alas, but documents a negative effect we're actually seeing an anecdotal example of in my inbox rn)

3. Is beauty a gift or a curse? The influence of an offender’s physical attractiveness on forgiveness

* often it wasnt even just a sex thing. it's very very often a romance/relationship that is desired by the perpetrator. it's a misapprehension of the public that sexual harassment/grooming is "just about sex" or even less accurately "just about power", it isnt

[forbiddcnsirvn]

[ CAP: 4 / 6 ]

[ location: the coffin club ] 

truth be told, vampirism was a concept that evren still couldn’t grasp. not in entirety, hell even remotely, often remaining aghast to the memories of the night where everything felt falsified other than the pair of strong arms scooping her up and rescuing her from exhaling out her last breath. even then, it was convoluted — something of an enigma, which others seemed to perceive her as these days. it was undeniable that there had been a shift, and the queenpin gnawed it beneath mantles of indifference, behaving as if it were some anecdote spoken by naysayers. though now that wasn’t always easy either, not when she would have an abundance of patrons stacked up at times in her line of work demanding for the most ludicrous requests. certain eves were easier to humor them, flickering her newly-grown fangs and making them piss. but some tended to stay, and those were the ones who would often made her wish she could have, literally, torn them apart. with her growing pregnancy, the waitress had been granted lesser shift, but right now she just wished she had remained home. “i swear to god, if you’re another one of those people who’s only here because you have some deranged blood fetish and want me to suck off your neck or whatever then kindly fuck off. whatever the hell you think i am, i don’t do that shit, not to mention i’m also spoken for.”  she mumbled, not bothering to curtain the acrid delivery. “if not, then i’d suggest finding another waitress anyway. i’m on my break.” 

@salemstart​