#do NOT bring up flying fish it ruins my metaphor

[kai-strophics]

WAIT WHEN DID YOU CHANGE YOUR BIO

Asking me to remember times is like asking a fish to fly

[thebountyfucker]

The Royal Affair - A Choose Your Own Prince Fic

18+ ONLY - NSFW

I wanted to try an experiment where I wrote a story with two parallel branches so readers could choose which character they wanted to read without me writing two separate fics! Let me know what you think! (Subject to more parts!)

Embo x AFAB!Reader or Cad Bane x AFAB!Reader

Tags/CW: Threats of violence/assault, embarrassment

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You eased up to the table, smiling despite yourself, and bowed your head. You didn’t say anything to them, as per the instructions from your boss, and carefully handed out the flutes of champagne. The royals prattled on in Durese, hardly paying you any mind, though the Prince did cast a glance up at you from the periphery of his vision. You bowed your head once more, and turned to leave.

-

You had never been more nervous in your life than you were now; with a tray of champagne flutes balanced in your hand, and the heel on your left shoe coming loose, you had to put the entirety of your focus onto your task at hand. It was a simple one, really - deliver the drinks to the Duros royal family, bow, and return back to the kitchen to fetch hors d'oeuvres. Simple. Easy. Yet the wobbling in your ankle frightened you. The last thing you needed was to drop the crystal flutes in front of everyone - or worse, on someone.

As you turned, you heard a loud snap, and your ankle buckled and rolled; you went down, your tray clattering to the floor. Conversations around you stopped, and the gazes of three royal families found you collapsed on the floor. A horrified blush crept up on your cheeks as you crawled toward your tray and gathered it up in your arms; you pulled off your shoes and slowly stood, pain blossoming from your ankle. You limped to the back room, and tossed your shoes straight into the garbage.

“What happened to you?” One of your coworkers, a pretty Rutian Twi’lek, asked, glancing down at your now bare feet and rapidly-swelling ankle.

“My fucking heel broke!”

“Oof, tough luck.” She shook her head as she kneeled down and prodded at your ankle. The pain was horrendous, but she didn’t look concerned. “It ain’t broken… I’ll see if I can get a wrap and some new shoes for you.”

“Thank you, Salicia.” You muttered as you sat down, propping your leg up on the seat beside you. Your other coworkers came and went, taking out drinks and snacks, and coming back with dishes and trash. They hardly spared you a glance. There was work to be done and attending to the weak link would only slow it down. You sighed softly as Salicia returned with a bandage and a pair of silken flats.

She sat beside you, gingerly lifting your leg to wrap your ankle. She was gentle, and the pressure of the bandage made it feel instantaneously better. When she had secured it in place, she handed you the pair of flats; colored a vibrant blue, the flats sported a winged lizard embroidered on each of the sides. The slippers clashed with your uniform, but it was better than nothing; you eased them on, and cast Salicia a glance.

“Queen Esmera gave these to me when she saw me asking the other girls. She saw you fall, said these would probably be more comfortable than anything we could offer.” She explained, her lekku tips curling up as she shrugged. “I think she may be fishing for a thank you… so… you might want to go out and tell her.”

“Alright.” You sighed as you stood and brought your tray back to the bar; the bartender noted you with a frown, but knew better than to say anything. “Can you get me seven glasses of your most expensive Phatrongi red? You can… add it to the party’s tab.”

“Did Queen Esmera give you those?” He asked, suspicion heavy in his voice. You glanced down at your shoes and nodded.

“Yep.”

“I suppose the wine is a ‘thank you’ to her.” He muttered, waiting for your nod, before continuing. “And you’re stroking her ego because…?”

“Because it’s the polite thing to do, I guess.” You shrugged, and he shook his head as he poured the thick, purple wine into the glasses.

“Yeah. Polite. And then they turn around and treat you like trash.”

“They’ve been nice to me so far.” You muttered as he helped stack the seven glasses of red wine onto your tray. Your departure toward Queen Esmera’s table was slow-going, as you didn’t want to risk tripping or putting undue stress on your ankle. Your coworkers were careful about not bumping into you, but there were a few close calls.

You made your way toward the Kyuzan Queen, careful to stand a distance away in case she turned her head to regard you; her ostentatious crown, constructed of metals and jewels and silken cloths, was large enough that it could sweep the wine right off your tray. That was the last thing you wanted.

She did, in fact, turn when she noticed you, and you breathed a small sigh of relief as her crown cleared your tray. She offered you a kind, mask-less smile, and you bowed your head respectfully in response.

“Thank you for your kindne-.”

And then it happened. You took a few step closer and the slippers caught on something - likely the queen’s dress. You tripped, and the tray of wine went flying; the wine splashed upon the Queen’s lap and onto the table. The princes and the King jumped back from the table as the wine spread out toward them. Your heart plummeted to the bottom of your chest, and you dropped to your knees at her side.

“I am so sorry.” Tears welled in your eyes. Salicia rushed over with towels, much sooner than you expected, and thrust one at you; she mopped up the table, apologizing to the princes, while you gingerly dabbed at the Queen’s dress. The red wine marred her white and gold gown, and you knew that the stain would never come out. “Please forgive me. Please. I’ll do whatever you want to make it up to you.”

The Queen gingerly patted your head as you dabbed at her gown; the weight of her ring-covered hand was rather comforting, and it did make you feel quite a bit better.

“There, there, Little One.” Her voice was honeyed and velvet-smooth, yet there was an imposing timbre deep beneath it, as if she knew and reveled in the power she had in this situation. “It was an accident, and these things happen. It is okay.”

“It is not okay!” The King’s booming voice startled you from the calmed stupor the Queen had put you in. Your gaze focused on the Queen’s dress as the party hall went quiet. “This insolent worm ruined your dress!”

“There is no reason to be upset. What is done is done.” Queen Esmera continued to pat your head reassuringly.

“There must be recompense!”

“Enough. You are causing a scene.” Her voice was even and steely, and her husband eased back down into his chair. The waves of rage radiating off the king made your skin crawl - he was one of those kings where the rumors of his temper far outshined any good he had done. There were numerous stories about girls being used and thrown in ditches after minor misdeeds. You hoped your employer would protect you from the likes of him… but that was no certainty. “The dress is ruined. I will call for a maid to bring me another.”

“I’m so sorry.” You repeated, and she tilted your chin up.

“That is enough, Little One. Now run along, okay?” She smiled sweetly, and you got up with your metaphorical tail between your legs. You limped back to the staging room, where you found a bench and collapsed onto it. Tears threatened to spill over, but you rubbed them away with the heels of your hands. You felt so foolish, so demeaned. The worst part of this, though, was that it was all your fault. No royal had made you spill the wine. No royal purposefully tripped you, nor did they break the heel from your shoe. It was your own insolence. You buried your head in your hands, a strangled sob leaving your lips.

Someone sat down on the bench beside you. You figured it was Salicia, until you noticed their scent - it was woodsy and entirely manish. You couldn’t think of anyone you knew who smelled like that. Curious, you spread your fingers open and peeked through them; sitting beside you was one of the Kyuzan Princes - the youngest of the four, whose name, you believed, was Embo. He cast you a glance, his browridge cocked.

“Oh! Uh…” You wiped your eyes on your hands, and then wiped your hands on your skirt. “Hello there, Prince.”

“You are in trouble.” He spoke, his voice unwavering and deeply serious. Your heart skipped a beat, and your stomach dropped.

“W-what?”

“My father is like a jungle cat chasing a rat. In his eyes, you wronged him, and he will not rest until you pay the price.” He explained, his voice low and conspiratory.

“But I didn’t do anything to him!” You squeaked.

“You embarrassed him, and my mother. He believes you made fools of them both before our allies.” Embo explained, his hands laced together and resting on his lap. “I came to offer my help. The last thing I want is for someone undeserving to be left in a ditch to die.”

“But you’re his son. How can I trust you?”

“Just know that I would rather see him dead than let any harm come to you.” He replied, his gold eyes narrowed and a small growl rumbling in his chest. You blinked at him, and then looked down at your hands. “And he knows better than to touch anything I lay claim to. If I tell him you are under my protection, he will not dare bother you.”

“I… wouldn’t want to be a bother.”

“Nonsense. My family keeps a large staff already. We would hardly notice one more.”

Your gaze remained on your hands, your mind running a million miles a minute. If you didn’t take the Prince’s protection, what would happen to you? Would the king stoop to harming you? It seemed that if his own son was worried, the answer was likely yes. So it would be best to go with the prince then. What if he was lying? What if this was all some elaborate ruse to get you into bed with him, or worse?

“I’ll… need time to think.” You replied, your voice shaking.

“Of course. You have until the end of the night.” He got up, dusting off his expensive suit, and disappeared through the door which led back out to the main hall.

You sat there, still trying to process what was going on; the staff around you stared at you, either concerned or shocked that you had gotten so close to the Prince without mention of sexual activities. You glanced at them, before standing.

“I… I need to take a walk.”

No one stopped you as you slipped out the door into the main hall. The royals were all happily conversing, and you noted that Queen Esmera had, indeed, changed her dress. You ducked down the hallway to the front door, desperately needing some fresh air to help clear your head. Ugh, you had a headache.

The guards allowed you outside, and you sat down on the top step to gather your wits. The warm, humid Coruscant air caressed your bare skin, grounding you to reality. The ambience of the thousands of speeders and marching of armor-clad guards drowned out any sounds from the gala itself. You buried your head in your hands once more, just trying to think.

“You’ve got some shit luck tonight.”

You turned toward the intruder, noting that the Duros Prince was approaching; he had a lit cig between his fingers, and he took a long drag.

“First de heel, den sullying Queen Esmera’s dress…” He shook his head as he eased down onto the step beside you. He offered you the cig, but you declined. “What gods did ya anger?”

“I don’t know.” You sighed, shaking your head. Cad leaned back, perching the cig between his lips.

“I assume de big guy already warned ya?”

“About his dad? Yeah.” You answered, your worry rising again; it was one thing to hear about the danger from the King’s son… now you were hearing it from an unrelated royal? Great….

“Den ya know you’ll need t’ low ‘til he comes t’ his sense, right?”

You nodded at this. “Prince Embo offered to let me stay with him.”

“Did he now? Doesn’t seem quite safe t’ be going back to de same home as yer threat.” He mused as he took a drag of his cig. “I came t’ offer de same thing.”

“Why?” You asked, wary of Cad’s intentions.

“Well, King Triakt has no domain over me and my family. And messing wit’ us could end badly fer him.” Cad drawled as he plucked the cig from his lips and flicked the ashes off of the end.

“Seems like a lot of trouble for someone you don’t know.”

“I don’t know ya but dat doesn’t mean I can’t extend some kindness.” He took a long drag of his cig.

“What’s the price?” You asked, watching his lips twitch into a small smirk.

“I don’ know yet. We’ll figure dat out as we go.” Cad smothered the cig beneath his boot. “Whaddya say?”

“I… need to think about it.”

“Sure, sure. When you make up yer mind, come find me.” He winked at you and stood, straightening out his outfit. He sauntered back inside, leaving you alone in your thoughts. Now, you just had to decide who to go with...

-

Who do you choose? Embo or Cad Bane

Tags List: @justanotherstarwarswhore, @doctor-ren, @that-clone-wars-girl, @some-serendipity-snail

[365days365movies]

March 15, 2021: Clash of the Titans (Review: Part One)

Please. Let me write a Greek mythology movie. I’m tired.

I am SO TIRED of Greek mythology being so...misused. Do y’all realize how much potential lies in an adaptation, a PROPER adaptation of Greek myths? Because it’d be fantastic if done well. Look, I’m not a writer, let alone a script or screenwriter, but I could write a better adaptation of Greek mythology, I swear I could.

Full warning, you might wanna skip this part. It’s gonna be...REALLY long. 

So, yeah, this “review” is getting broken up into two parts. The first part here is really just a rant/hypothetical Perseus film that Id make if I had any screenwriting ability. Yeah, it’s basically a fanfic, so feel free to, like, not. Check out the Review here. Read ahead at your own peril.

You might be saying, “OK, bet; how would you adapt the story of Perseus?” Fair question, metaphorical yet judgmental person; how would I do it, exactly? Well, I’d mostly do it straight, to be honest. But you need to make this a cinematic adaptation, right? SO story changed need to be made, I get that. And I think that needs to start with the gods.

First up, you need Zeus, if for no other reason than to father Perseus. I do like the fact that he’s a patron for Perseus throughout these movies, but I don’t like Zeus as a straight-up dad. That’s for various reasons, but I’ll get there. Perseus’ main patron, instead, should be his half-sister: Athena.

Seriously, Athena needs to be a big part of this movie. She’s not exactly one of the biggest patrons for heroes, but she does like them. In the case of Perseus, she should sympathize with him. Perseus, after all, is one of the first major Greek heroes. Yeah, he really should be one of the first, and that needs to be fully acknowledged. Athena, in her LITERAL INFINITE WISDOM, should see the young demigod for what he could become: a bonafide hero. And so, she needs to be a part of this movie. One of her key allies should be...

Hermes should be, well, mercurial. Always moving, never truly still, because dude is CONSTANTLY busy. Not only is he a messenger, but he’s also the god of medicine, AND a psychopomp that escorts spirits to the underworld. Yeah, he wears a lot of winged hats. He’s also another extramarital child of Zeus, giving him sympathy for Perseus as well.

While he’s mostly a neutral god, he could also serve as a messenger from Athena to Perseus, delivering to him the gifts from the gods. He could even be the one who gets the Helm of Darkness from Hades, given his relationship to death and the Underworld. So, he’s gotta be in there as an ally of Athena. Hell, he could even be the one who finds Perseus and tells Athena about him in the first place. OK, Athena and Perseus now have an ally, so what about a villain?

Well, this movie had Calibos and technically Thetis, the 2010 had fuckin’ Hades (because of course they did), but no. Both are the wrong choice. The right choice here, in my humble opinion, is one that MAKES FUCKING SENSE.

Hot take: POSEIDON IS AN ASSHOLE. I realize that this statement has doomed me to a death at sea, but that won’t stop me from hiding the truth. Yeah, dude’s the god of the ocean, and of horses, but he’s also the father of countless monsters, nearly as horny as his younger brother Zeus, and the god of earthquakes. He’s a petty, tempestuous god, as angry and ever-changing as the ocean that he rules. And he’s ABSOLUTELY the right choice for a villain of a Perseus movie.

The movie would begin in the ocean, the source of all of the troubles in this movie. 20 years before the main events of the film, we emerge from the ocean and soar over an island, on which is a beautiful temple. Waves wash over the island, enveloping it. A woman’s scream is heard in the background, as we soar over the island, following an owl that is flying away from the island. As we fly over the ocean, narration tells us that this is a world of gods and monsters, and the owl flies over creatures in the ocean, like hippocampi and other such creatures. The owl flies over another island, which on screen text identifies as Argos. Here, a shower of gold dust flies up from a building. Perseus has just been conceived.

Cut to a day not too far afterwards, where King Acrisius is meeting with an unseen trio of women, in a cave on a mountainside. The king tells them that his daughter, Danae, has become pregnant, although he knows not by whom. The women reveal that Zeus is her lover, and that this will bring great ruin onto the kingdom of Argos, especially onto Acrisius himself. This is a big problem, too, as the kingdom of Argos worships Poseidon as their patron god. Acrisius, see, was planning on saving Danae for Poseidon, as a perverse offering to the god. But Zeus beat him to the punch, which has made Poseidon angry. And so, Acrisius sacrifices his daughter to Poseidon...by putting her in a box, which he casts out to sea.

Poseidon is about to destroy the box and Danae, who is still pregnant with her child. However, Zeus won’t have it, and in a battle between the two gods, a storm with golden lightning rages over the sea, and sweeps the box away, to the safety of an island where it washes up on shore, AWAY from Poseidon’s wrath. Zeus’ protection saves Danae, who has given birth to a son: Perseus. Poseidon, spurned of his revenge against his brother, makes a child of his own. But we only see its shadow beneath the waves. He’ll come back later.

Time passes, and a few things happen. The kingdom of Argos falls, and Acrisius is brought to ruin, as the mysterious prophetesses predicted. They are starved of fish, and the king is blamed, for condemning his daughter to death. He is driven into exile, and Argos is destroyed...by Poseidon’s mysterious child, who is only known by the name Cetus. The city still exists afterward, so that Perseus has a place to return to, but it’s wrecked.

Meanwhile, Perseus grows up, into a young man. He’s not particularly strapping, but he’s still surprisingly strong and hardy for his size. All the while, he’s watched over by a little owl, the same one we saw in the beginning of the film, flying over the ocean. Appearing below the owl is a rooster, which flies up next to the owl. Both of them watch the young Perseus, then look up when they hear the screech of a golden eagle, flying high in the sky above them. They look at each other, as the eagle flies up to the tip of a nearby mountain. The owl and rooster fly off, with the rooster flying higher than a rooster should be able to fly.

We follow them as they pass through the clouds, and they turn into their true forms: Athena and Hermes. They watch the golden eagle fly into a separate grand temple, as thunder and lightning appear. We’re not gonna see Zeus until nearly the end of this movie. Athena and Hermes discuss Perseus in Athena’s temple on Olympus. Hermes is a bit busy, so he’s off in a hurry, but Athena sits and ponders Perseus’ situation.

Perseus, meanwhile, has a different problem: surviving. Poseidon’s been particularly dickish lately, and the fish stock around Perseus’ island is low as FUCK. His mother, meanwhile, is older now, and struggling with her health. An old hermit walks into the village one day, and hears Perseus’ troubles. The hermit tells Perseus that the fish market is good near the nearby kingdom of Aethiopia, which includes a large and prosperous city that may also have medicine to help his ailing mother. Perseus decides to go on the journey there. As he leaves the hermit, we see the hermit’s eye color change to a sparkling electric blue.

Perseus heads onto the seas, with a fishing boat leaving for Aethiopia. The second that boat hits the water, Poseidon senses the blood of Zeus on his ocean. Being the petty asshole he is, he sees his chance to finally exact revenge on Zeus for stealing Danae from him. He sends his child, Cetus, after the ship to sink it. We don’t see the  Cetus brings rough water with it. However, Zeus again protects the ship on its journey, and Poseidon’s SUPER butthurt now. He watches Perseus make his way to Aethiopia.

Aethiopia, in this movie, is a city that doesn’t particularly worship any one god. It’s not exactly the least theistic place in the world, though, because its residents will still fear any action that the gods take against them. That’ll come in handy later. Perseus lands there with the boat, and is immediately overwhelmed by the city’s grandeur. Additionally, he stands out here, as the people there are mostly, surprise surprise, black and brown in skin color. BECAUSE IT’S NORTHERN AFRICA!!! YEAH! Andromeda COULD BE BLACK, FUN GODDAMN FACT. Aethiopia was used to describe southern kingdoms below Libya, which was northern Africa! Come on, man!

While wandering blind through the city, Perseus bumps into a young woman, shrouded in plain vestments as she walks through the village. And it’s immediately love at first sight for Perseus, although the young woman seems somewhat nonplussed. This is the beautiful and radiant Andromeda, and YEAH! I’M RIPPING OFF ALADDIN A LITTLE! SUE MEI! See, Andromeda’s trying to explore her kingdom, as she’s been somewhat sheltered throughout her life, protected in the castle by father King Cepheus and shallow mother Queen Cassiopeia.

The two part quickly, but her visage remains in Perseus’ mind, horny Zeus’ kid that he is. He finds out who she is later on, considering what’s about to happen. See, there’s a festival going on, and it’s actually leading up to Andromeda’s 20th birthday. The overly clingy Cepheus honors his daughter unnecessarily, setting up an entire 2-week celebration leading up to her birthday.

During the nightly celebration, which Perseus attends, there’s a great feast. He bumps into Andromeda once again, and the two start talking. Andromeda is kind, if naïve, and wants to be a good queen to her people. However, she feels like a trophy, set aside for any given suitor wanting to win her heart. Perseus sympathizes, and feels a bit guilty, as her beauty was what struck him most at first, but has now begun to appreciate her as a person, over the course of this conversation. Said conversation is watched by Athene, in owl form once again.

The conversation’s interrupted by Queen Cassiopeia, who makes a speech about her daughter, and you know what’s coming here. She says that her daughter is beautiful, moreso than any of the Nereids, or anything that the sea could produce. And everybody laughs, it’s real funny, people agree...and then, we zoom over to a nearby fountain. The water begins to shake, and then, the ground itself begins to shake! Because Poseidon is the GOD OF EARTHQUAKES. COME ON, USE THIS SHIT!

Poseidon, pissed off, manifests from the water of the fountain, and we now see his visage in full for the first time, and it needs to be IMPOSING. He looks at the queen, and at Andromeda herself. He says that for Cassiopeia’s hubris, they are to be punished. Her child will meet one of his, the great Cetus, and then they’ll be able to compare “prowess and beauty”. This is certain death for Andromeda, obviously, and everybody knows it. This is to be done on her 20th birthday, or all of Aethiopia will fall. It’s then that Perseus steps in to defend Andromeda.

Poseidon looks at him, and says something like: “And look! As if to perfect this offering, Zeus’ bastard steps in the save the day! Well, child, do you offer yourself to me, after evading my justice for so long?” Everybody, INCLUDING PERSEUS, if totally shaken by this revelation. See, Perseus had NO IDEA that he was the child of Zeus. But he swallows his surprise, and offers himself in Andromeda’s stead. As Poseidon’s about to kill him there and then, he hears a hoot from the rafters, and sees the visage of Athena overlapping the little owl. Not comfortable with this situation, he offers a deal: if Perseus can complete a task for him, he will spare Andromeda’s life. Perseus accepts IMMEDIATELY, without hearing the task. And that task?

Kill the Gorgon Medusa, and bring her head back to Aethiopia before Andromeda is sacrificed.

Yeah, not good, and definitely unfair. Perseus isn’t exactly a warrior of any prowess, so this won’t end well for him. Poseidon laughs, and disappears into the water of the fountain. Silence befalls the hall, and all eyes turn to Perseus. Athena leaves, and flies up to her temple, angry and frustrated. She then decides that, if Poseidon is going to meddle in the affairs of the mortal world so strongly, then she will do the same. She finds Hermes, and the two start to conspire.

The next morning, Perseus heads out on the journey, although he has no idea what to do. Andromeda begs him not to do it, but he says he has little to lose. King Cepheus, humbled by Perseus’ intentions, promises whatever Perseus wants if he succeeds. Perseus states that he wants little, but will take assistance for his mother and village. It’s done. And Andromeda, to the surprise of her mother, almost offers her hand in marriage to her as well. But she stops short, still hesitant.

Perseus is about to go the distance, when a little owl catches his eye. Something tells him to follow the owl, and he does. Athena reveals herself, and Perseus is struck, not knowing what to do. She tells him to find the Greae, as they will tell him how to get to Medusa. He asks how he will get there, and Athena gives him his first divine item: Hermes’ winged sandals, loaned to him by the messenger god himself. The sandals will guide him to the location of the sisters. And Perseus accepts.

He makes his way to the sisters, the shenanigans with the eye stay about the same (it’s pretty solid in the 1981 film, not gonna lie), and from there, he finds out where to go. In the meantime, Athena’s and Perseus’ deeds are being noticed by the gods, eventually making their way to the three brothers. Poseidon is, of course, enraged at these happenings, considering them dishonorable to him, and also incensed as this is coming from Athena, a long-standing rival of his. Hades seems neutral about it. And Zeus...we’ll come back to him. Hermes, joined by Dionysus, speaks with Athena in Olympus, and delivers something to her to give to Perseus: Hades’ Helm of Darkness. He’s curiously chosen a side, but why isn’t known even to Hermes. Will that reason ever be revealed?

I have my reasons. Dionysus, also inspired by Perseus’ origins (which mirror his own as well), gives to Athena a wine-colored cloak, impervious to harm from all poisons and corrosive items. Inspired by this, Athena thinks on her history with Medusa. And, uh...remember that scream from the beginning? Yeah, Medusa’s “birth” coincides with Perseus’ conception. While Poseidon was...busy...Zeus went for Danae behind his back. And we’re going to sanitize Medusa’s origin...a little. But for Athena’s sake, specifically.

Poseidon raped Medusa. That’s a given. And Medusa was a priestess of Athena, but not a great one. Although Athena was angered at Poseidon’s actions GREATLY, the one who inevitably suffered for it was Medusa. Poisoned by Poseidon’s actions, she was transformed into her current form. And in this case, it’s not made clear whether or not Athena directly caused it...but it’s clear that Athena did nothing to stop it. This can be changed in some ways, but this is how I’m changing it for the movie. If you disagree, entirely understandable, I’m open to suggestions here.

OK, after that flashback, we see that Athena’s kind of ashamed of her actions, but not entirely. I realize that this is a stretch for Athena’s character, but this is a movie for wider audiences, so we’ll go for it. There’s a reason, I promise. Athena delivers the gifts to Perseus, which he finds once he’s left the cave of the Greae. That’s the cloak from Dionysus, the Helm of Darkness from Hades, and Athena’s offering, a mirrored shield. Perseus heads out to slay Medusa.

Poseidon, meanwhile, has his own ideas. He goes to speak with Hera, a shadow antagonist who’ll get her day later on. He persuades her to help take care of Zeus’ bastard son, and she reluctantly gives him permission to use one of her creations. What this is is left a mystery for the time being, but not for long. Perseus is busy flying with the winged sandals, and is thinking on how easy the journey has been. He’s getting a little cocky, in other words. But that’s quickly stopped when he’s blind-sided by something hitting him in the sky. He’s sent flying, and when he focuses up again, he sees what’s hit him.

YUP. HARPIES. Now, at this point, you may be saying: “365, you hypocrite! That never happened in the original story of Perseus! You sonuvabitch!” To that I say:

This is supposed to be a movie, and it’s gotta be a little exciting.

The origin of the harpies is entirely unstated, and Hera loved her some birds, so it makes sense that she would have some. In fact, I kind of want to make them women that Hera punished with this form, possibly for their association with Zeus at some point.

I’m setting something up, just trust me here.

Harpies as a concept are a familiar enemy to most audiences.

They’re cool, and an aerial battle’s even cooler here.

Perseus needs some mortal peril, because of something that’s about to happen.

OK. With that, the Harpies attack Perseus, and Perseus realizes that he doesn’t have a weapon to fight them with. He’s forced aground, on a seemingly desrted island. The Harpies fly off for now, ready to pick Perseus off later. Perseus, now stuck on the island, wanders around. At the same time, Zeus, sees this, and turns into an eagle once again. He flies off to a volcano, as an irritated Hera looks on. At the volcano, he flies into a cave, lined with veins of many metals. This is Hephaestus’ forge.

Hephaestus is another of those gods that I feel like never gets his day in court. There are many reasons for that, to be fair, but I’d like him to have a role in this story. He’s a relatively neutral god, mostly caring about his work at the anvil, moreso than anything else. I also like the idea of having him almost be a running joke in his scenes, in that he always comes up with devices far beyond their time. Like, at a certain point, he offers something for Zeus to give to Perseus, which he calls a “thunderblast”. And it’s a fucking CANNON, YEARS ahead of its time. You also see sketches for smaller versions, which are just straight up guns. But, y’know, eus will refuse that.

Speaking of that, THIS is the first time that we’ll see Zeus’ true face, lit by the light of the forge. And there are a few reasons for this, one of which being that Zeus’ casting should be a big name, and a surprise in marketing. But other than that, Zeus’ really shouldn’t have too much import in the story, outside of Perseus’ creation. However, looking at Hephaestus, who is himself a cast-out and neglected offspring of the gods, Zeus actually manages to eke out a little guilt for his actions for one. He asks Hephaestus to make something for him and Perseus. Hephaestus is hesitant, but agrees upon hearing about Perseus’ origins, because Hephaestus is ALSO HIS HALF-BROTHER...in this movie. Hephaestus’ origin has changed in different tellings, but I want him to be Zeus’ kid. So, yeah, Hephaestus agrees to make something...simple.

Perseus is on the island. There, he’s being watched by YET ANOTHER mysterious figure. Because, yeah, that’s how these people should work. See, there’s another benefactor for him that I want to bring in for various reasons. This island appears to have been inhabited at some point, but was abandoned for unknown reasons. Perseus wanders around, and stumbles upon a ruined Great Hall, open to the sky. He wanders in, nervously. But then, to his surprise, he sees a great feast before him, as a fire roars in the hearth at the end of the hall. He looks at the fire for a moment, and sees a woman tending it. But as the fire bursts, it produces a flash of light, and the woman is gone. Who was she, though?

The LEAST used and talked about goddess in all of pop culture. An unofficial/occasional Olympian, and far less popular than Dionysus, who usually takes her seat. I actually want her to have given Dionysus her seat, as she will be wandering the world, bestowing blessings on the households of those worthy mortals who honor her. To Perseus, she gives this gift, and this hall with maintain this gift in the future. This goddess is Hestia, Goddess of the Hearth and Home.

AND YES I AM AWARE OF HESTIA IN THE ANIME DANMACHA. Doesn’t goddamn count, because that obviously isn’t Hestia. The Greek goddess deserves some respect, as she’s literally the oldest of all of them, and was VERY respected in Greek culture, by LITERALLY EVERYBODY. So, yeah, Hestia’s going to appear here, ever so briefly.

The other reason for this is...well, the Harpies show up, as Perseus eats. They perch on the roof of the Great Hall, and watch him eat. He notices them, and as he reacts, they come down to take the food and attack him. Perseus realizes that the food has revitalized his weary body, and he runs. However, the Harpies prevent egress, and he still has no weapon. Until...

Thunder clashes, and lightning strikes in the middle of the Great Hall! The fire goes out, but light is coming from something in the center of the table, as Perseus and the Harpies look on. With the lightning bolt, there traveled a harpe, a type of sword, which is embedded in the table. But this is no ordinary sword, as it chines silver, almost blue in hue, as electricity arcs off of it. This is a divine sword, forged by Hephaestus on the order of Zeus himself.

But the sword is nameless...for now. Perseus uses the flashes of the sword to fend off the harpies. When one of them lunges at him, he quickly moves in response to it, and strikes it just, slicing off a wing. The other Harpies fly away in fear, but not too far. Perseus takes the opportunity, and leaves the great Hall, maybe grabbing some food on the way. Now armed, he has a way to kill Medusa, and to take her head. He heads to the island, with new purpose.

Meanwhile, in Aethiopia, the people are starting to panic. Remember when I said the city wasn’t particularly religious before? WELL THEY ARE NOW, since they’ve realized that they’ve profaned Poseidon with their arrogance. The vain Cassiopeia is now terrified, for herself rather than for her daughter. Cepheus is terrified for Andromeda, and Andromeda...well, Andromeda is putting hope in Perseus, but she is also prepared to sacrifice herself if necessary. But deep down, she doesn’t believe it will be, because she oddly believes in Perseus.

However, Cepheus won’t be able to hold off the hordes forever, It’s been nearly a week, and Andromeda is to be sacrificed soon. And if Cepheus won’t do it, the newly religious Cassiopeia and the crowd will.

Poseidon realizes that his plan with Hera’s Harpies didn’t work...perfectly. Damn, he’s still alive. Plus, the Harpies won’t get off of the island now, especially seeing that food seems to be magically appearing every night, due to Hestia’s gift. Maybe and island with magically appearing food beset by Harpies will, I dunno...come backcoughcogchJasoncoughcoughArgonautscoughcough. Nevertheless, Poseidon hatches another plan, a back-up plan to get revenge on Zeus and Perseus. He tells a nymph to “find him”. We’ll get to “him” later.

However, this is a problem for Perseus still, because he’s been thrown WAY off course from the island of Medusa. Even with the sandals, he’d be cutting it close to get back to Joppa with Medusa’s head. And that’s if he gets back with the head. Still a big if, that. In any case, he’s headed there to do what he must. He’s already faced the Greae and the Harpies, so, hey! Not too bad so far, right? Just Medusa next, and then a giant sea monster! Hahaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Well...whatever. For Andromeda, and for something else, he’s going to do it. Perseus looks at the sword, and wonders what’s up with the whole “Zeus is my dad” thing yet again, but shakes it off as he continues flying. Above him, an eagle flies. Said eagle is soon joined by an owl, and the two share a look as they follow Perseus. He’s close to the island, and Medusa’s island is prominent on the horizon, shrouded in a dark eerie fog.

Perseus lands on the island, after hovering above it for perhaps too long. This is, unsurprisingly, the same island from the beginning of the film, now in ruins. He gears up, and this includes the Helm of Darkness this time. He creeps into the temple, and is struck by surprise when he sees a Gorgon slithering next to him. OH SHIT

On first glimpse, the invisible Perseus notes that the creature is indeed monstrous, standing 6-feet tall, with snakes for her short hair and fang-like teeth protruding from her mouth. And while there are some details not actually in Greek mythology, I do like some details given in the films. Firstly, this Gorgon is armed not only with her looks and teeth, but bows and arrows, as seen as she takes an arrow, and coats in in poison dripping from her teeth.

Perseus realizes the danger that he’s in, but also doesn’t realize that this ISN’T Medusa. YUP. This is one of the Gorgons, but not Medusa. He approaches the creature, confident in his invisibility. However, he isn’t careful enough, and accidentally kicks a pebble. The Gorgon looks directly at him, into his EYES, and he’s paralyzed! But...he isn’t turned to stone, curiously. This is how he figures out that this isn’t Medusa, but simply another Gorgon. He also realizes how careless he’s being, and takes care to avert his eyes from the Gorgons and Medusa.

He gets over his paralysis eventually, then carefully makes his way to the main temple. On the way, he encounters another Gorgon, completing the trio of Gorgons present in mythology. He walks into the temple, and as he does, a door slams shut behind him. Now the Gorgons up until now have been monstrous and fairly tall women, with snakes for hair and hideous visages, but also with mostly humanoid bodies, with legs that they can walk upon. Medusa, though...Medusa’s different.

As the door closes, Perseus is clearly unnerved. The temple seems empty in front of him, but he also sees statues littered around it, clearly those of mortal men turned to stone by Medusa’s gaze. He walks carefully, and as he does, he hears a voice call out, asking who’s there. She can smell him, sense him, and he is not completely invisible to her. Perseus says nothing, as not to completely give away him position. But he is TERRIFIED, and the audience should be as well. Because we see glimpses of her throughout the temple. You ever see the new version of Disney’s The Jungle Book? Remember how they first showed Kaa?

In the same way, coils of a snake’s body are seen, slithering around Perseus, who’s looking for Medusa. All the while, a hissing voice speaks to him from the shadows. She recognizes that his patron is Athena, her former priestess. She explains her rage, both at Poseidon for what he did, and for Athena for abandoning her and condemning her to this terrible fate. She asks why he’s come, guessing that it’s to kill her. He confirms this, but upon hearing her story, expresses his doubts.

But Medusa...Medusa doesn’t really care. If this is a favored beneficiary of Athena, as she used to be, she wants him fucking DEAD. And she doesn’t care who he is, or what his mission is, or about his feelings. he’s going to turn him into stone, and display him in her collection, so that Athena can see something she loves turned into a monstrous form. And now, we see Medusa in full. And I gotta say, Harryhausen had it right. So did Warner Brothers in adapting it.

Half snake, half woman, with long, LONG snakes for hair, and a long snake body as well. She’s also surprisingly beautiful, as I actually do like the idea of keeping her beautiful, in a way to remind her of what she used to be. She’s armed not with a bow and arrow, but with a stone spear. And she’s BIG in form. Her head is still human-sized, but she was clearly a tall woman when she was human. She uses her body to rear up to terrifying heights, though, and Perseus can only see glimpses of her as she reveals herself.

She attacks him, and Perseus has to think fast. In the original myths, he gets her in his sleep. In the movies, it’s a combination of luck and mirrors. But here...here, it’s going to be different. See, we’re going with the old fallen pillar gag. Perseus enrages her, and tricks her into knocking over pillars of the temple that they’re in. She attacks with the spear, with statues thrown by her snake body, with her snake body, and also with an addition: spitting venom, like that of a spitting cobra.

But he manages to either dodge it, or block it with the corrosive proof cloak. All the while, he avoids her gaze, but his helmet is knocked off in the process. She can see him now, and that’s bad news. But only one more column needs to fall. Perseus tricks her into knocking the temple down around her, and she’s trapped in the rubble.

Perseus escapes, and the other Gorgons outside are knocked out by the debris. However, Medusa’s definitely not dead. He stumbles across her, under the rubble, and still enraged. She’s trapped now, though, and he can kill her easily. She actually asks him to, and he refuses at first. But Athene, in owl form, lands on a still standing pillar, in Medusa and Perseus’ eyeline. They see it, and they know that it’s a sign of what Perseus needs to do. Perseus closes his eyes. And he swings.

The blood washes over the sword, smoking. Now christened in an act of mercy and strength, the blue-silver turns to gold, and a name appears on the blade: Chrysaor (and yeah, I know Chrysaor was a dude, but I am TAKING CREATIVE LICENSE HERE). But Perseus is upset by this, feeling that he wasn’t a great hero at all. But Athena appears, and notes that mercy is also a quality of heroism. Something even the gods could learn (referring to herself, and her actions in reference to Medusa). He looks at her, unsure of what to think. 

Not that it matters, since he’ll never get back to Aethiopia in time to save Andromeda. And then...the rubble begins to shake. Perseus arms himself, and he points the sword at the rubble, expecting to fight a Gorgon. But instead, an unexpected creature springs up from the rubble: Pegasus.

YUP. I’M STILL DOING IT! I realize that Pegasus is NOT Perseus’ mount, but he is actually linked to the myth via Medusa. So, yeah, Pegasus is born of Medusa. Perseus looks at Athena, who notes that Pegasus looks swift, and seems to be a way back. Pegasus is also pretty grateful to Perseus, as he’s technically responsible for his freedom. So, yeah...he gets ONE ride.

Perseus puts the head of Medusa in the cloak of Dionysus, and gets on Pegasus. As Perseus takes off with Pegasus and Chrysaor, Athena looks at the body of Medusa. Zeus, as the eagle, looks on, and follows Perseus to Aethiopia. Athena stays behind, and then is joined by Hermes. He notes that he’s here for Medusa’s soul, as Hades has been waiting for her soul this whole time. There’s his ulterior motive. But Athena tells Hermes that she’ll be accompanying them. She will speak to Hades.

But enough of that, because Andromeda’s set to be sacrificed! The angry mob has hit a fever pitch, and it’s day before her birthday! Cassiopeia, now fully in the cult of Poseidon with the rest, brings her daughter to the rocks to be chained up. Cepheus tries to stop this, but the mob stops him instead, imprisoning him on the command of Cassiopeia. Andromeda is also taken captive, set to be sacrificed to Poseidon to gain his favor.

Perseus gets to Aethiopia, and lands near Joppa, the capital city. Pegasus takes off, bidding goodbye to Perseus, who thanks him. Pegasus has a date with a kid named Bellerophon. And Perseus is finally feeling confident. Although, he’s not entirely sure what he’ll do when he gets there. But he’s got the head, so what could go wro-BAM!!!

He’s blindsided, with a hit to the face by a rock! And here, we get a bit of an aside from the myth to add something. See, Perseus wakes up, as he’s been out for a WHILE. As he wakes up, he sees an old man, clearly bedraggled and haggard. The man notes that he’s awake after all, and Perseus notes that he has the sword and Medusa’s head in the cloak. This old man introduces himself as an old banished king. He explains that he is there to kill Perseus, on command from Poseidon. You see, he’s been given a chance at absolution, for offending him via inaction many years ago.

The two have a heart-to-heart of sorts, about the expectations of the gods, and Perseus asks why he hasn’t killed him. The king doesn’t reveal his full reasons, those being that Perseus is, of course, his grandson. But Perseus asks him to let him live, in order to save someone with the item in the bag. Curious, the old king looks in the bag...

Stone. And thus, Acrisus’ prophesied downfall is done. Shocked and saddened by this, Perseus nevertheless takes the head, his sword, and his sandals. and takes off to save Andromeda. More time’s been lost, and Andromeda’s lost her hope in Perseus, as has everybody else. By the time he gets there, Poseidon’s released Cetus, who can look however, but I will say I think the incarnation in the 2010 movie was pretty solid. Cetus heads off to kill Andromeda, under the watch of Cassiopeia and her cult of Poseidon.

But then, Perseus shows up to present the head, and sees Cetus having arrived to devour Andromeda. Instinctively, he presents the head to Cetus, and turns him into stone (because I think that’s a cool way for him to go). Andromeda is saved, but Poseidon is PISSED THAT HIS PLAIN FAILED. He rears up from the ocean, complete with earthquake tremors, ready to kill Perseus himself. BUT ZEUS IS FUCKING DONE WITH HIS BULLSHIT.

He steps in the way of Poseidon, and screams that there’s been enough damage done! At the first full appearance of Zeus, EVERYBODY in Aethiopia reacts. While everyone bows in reverence, Cassiopeia’s so freaked out that she runs away. She’ll be leaving the city altogether, and when she does, she’s watched over by a cuckoo (or a peacock). This is Hera, and as a god of women AND OF MOTHERS...she’s going to be punishing Cassiopeia for her deeds.

Zeus and Poseidon speak, and the two come to tentative peace. This is settled in the courts of Olympus, where everybody involved comes together to speak about this affair. They note that, despite Poseidon’s petty bullshit, something unique has happened. A mortal child of a god, spurned on by their actions, has managed to outsmart and defeat countless obstacles. And now, celebrated for saving Andromeda and the city of Joppa, Perseus is celebrated. Zeus predicts that he will be made king, with Andromeda as his queen. And this pleases Zeus greatly. Poseidon, still angry, is not convinced. But Zeus directs his attention away from Perseus’ celebration, and towards one of his children: Pegasus.

A new age is now dawning in the world of man, and in the world of gods. As Pegasus flies over the oceans, he flies over an island, as Zeus narrates on the nature of this new age of heroes. And as Pegasus lands, we see the city of Corinth in the distance. The narration concludes, as we are introduced to a young man, a prince named...Bellerophon.

Cut to black.

Well...almost. There’s a mid-credits scene, where a newly crowned Perseus goes back to his island with a fleet of ships to see his mother, and bring her to Aethiopia to live happily. And then, there’s an after-credits scene, with Athena. She’s looking at the mortal word, and looking forward to this age of heroes. She sees that some divine intervention may be needed in the land of Boeotia. She asks her attendant to fetch her shield. And Medusa, saved from the Underworld by a penitent Athena, brings her the shield, Gorgoneion, now adorned with the image of Medusa’s former self, as a reminder to Athena to be merciful. And off she goes, to help another burgeoning hero: Cadmus

AND SO THE AGE OF HEROES BEGINS

Alongside a theoretical franchise, of course.

If you read this nonsense, then...wow, why? But also, thank you! Mostly for putting up with my mad ravings. I’ll be putting the the straight-up review of this film later today, but...I really needed this off my chest. Any thoughts? Any ideas? Any criticisms? Any petty insults? I’ll take it, whatever it is! THanks again for putting up with this.

See you in the ACTUAL REVIEW!!!

[eaexu]

Private Playlists

filthbois (lincoln x elias)

lips on you - maroon 5 (x) You wanna be reckless, restless, right until tomorrow. Wait. When I put my lips on you, you feel the shivers go up and down your spine for me. Make you cry for me, when I put my lips on you. I hear your voice echoing all through the night for me. Baby cry for me. When I put my lips on you. Just turn off the lights, and you could be my private dancer. When we close the curtains, you and me can forget all our manners. The neighbors must think we're crazy, baby, cause look how easily we keep coming undone

Hands to Myself - Selena Gomez (x) Can't keep my hands to myself, no matter how hard I'm trying to. I want you all to myself, you're metaphorical gin and juice. So come on, give me a taste of what it's like to be next to you, won't let one drop go to waste. All of the downs and the uppers, we keep making love to each other. And I'm trying, trying, I'm trying, trying, can't keep my hands to myself, give me your all and nothing else. My doctors say you're no good, but people say what they wanna say, and you should know if I could, I'd breathe you in every single day

PILLOWTALK - Zayn (x) Climb on board. We'll go slow and high tempo, light and dark. Hold me hard and mellow, I'm seeing the pain, seeing the pleasure. Nobody but you, 'body but me, 'body but us, bodies together. I love to hold you close, tonight and always. So we'll piss off the neighbours, in the place that feels the tears, the place to lose your fears. Yeah, reckless behavior, a place that is so pure, so dirty and raw. In the bed all day, bed all day, bed all day, fucking in and fighting on. It's our paradise and it's our war zone

Animal - Troye Sivan (x) I told you something safe, something I've never said before and I, I, I can't keep my hands off you. While you lie in the wake, covered all in the night before. I'm high, high, high, no one's got me quite like you. I want you all to myself, don't leave none for nobody else, I am an animal with you. No angels could beckon me back, and it's hotter than hell where I'm at. I am an animal with you. An ode to the boy I love, boy, I'll die to care for you. You're mine, mine, mine, tell me who do I owe that to? And as the days fly by, we'll be more than getting through, yeah, and in time, time, time, we'll build a home for two. I want you all to myself, don't leave none for nobody else. I am an animal with you

Young and Beautiful - Lana Del Rey (x) Dear lord, when I get to heaven, please let me bring my man. When he comes tell me that you'll let him in. Father tell me if you can, all that grace, all that body, all that face, makes me wanna party. He's my sun, he makes me shine like diamonds. Will you still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful? Will you still love me when I've got nothing but my aching soul? I know you will, I know you will, I know that you will

art-hoes (jackie x des)

a little death - the neighbourhood (x)  The room was fit for two, the bed was left in ruins, the neighbor was knocking, yeah, but no one would let him in. Touch me, yeah. I want you to touch me there, make me feel like I am breathing, feel like I am human. Dancing through the night, a vodka and a sprite, a glimpse of the silhouettes, a night that they never forget.

BITE - Troye Sivan (x) Kiss me on the mouth and set me free, sing me like a choir, I can be the subject of your dreams, your sickening desire. Don't you wanna see a man up close? A phoenix in the fire. So kiss me on the mouth and set me free, but please, don't bite. You can coax the cold right out of me, drape me in your warmth, the rapture in the dark puts me at ease, the blind eye of the storm. Let's go for a walk down Easy Street where you can be reborn, and kiss me on the mouth and set me free, but please, don't bite.

Love Lies - Khalid & Normani (x) I need a lover to trust, tell me you're on my side. Are you down for the ride? It's not easy for someone to catch my eye, but I've been waitin' for you for my whole damn life, for my whole lifetime. Don't be afraid to tell me if you ain't with it, I see you're focused, yeah you're so independent. It's hard for me to open up, I'll admit it, you've got some shit to say and I'm here to listen. So baby, tell me where your love lies, waste the day and spend the night, underneath the sunrise. Show me where your love lies. I've been so into your mystery, is it because of our history? Are you into me? When it feels so good, but it's bad for you, can't say I don't want it 'cause I know I do. Come on over, I need your company, cravin' that synergy. 

Cherry Wine - Hozier (x) But I want it, it's a crime, that she's not around most of the time. The way she shows me I'm hers and she is mine, open hand or closed fist would be fine. Blood is rare and sweet as cherry wine. Her fight and fury is fiery, oh but she loves like sleep to the freezing, sweet and right and merciful. I'm all but washed in the tide of her breathing, and it's worth it, it's divine. I have this some of the time.The way she shows me I'm hers and she is mine. 

Malibu - Miley Cyrus (x) I never came to the beach or stood by the ocean, I never sat by the shore under the sun with my feet in the sand, but you brought me here and I'm happy that you did.  Cause now I'm as free as birds catching the wind, I always thought I would sink, so I never swam, I never went boatin', don't get how they are floatin', and sometimes I get so scared of what I can't understand, but here I am next to you. The sky is more blue, in Malibu, next to you. We watched the sun go down as we were walking, I'd spend the rest of my life just standing here talking. You would explain the current, as I just smile, hoping I just stay the same and nothing will change, and it'll be us, just for a while. Do we even exist? That's when I make the wish to swim away with the fish. Is it supposed to be this hot all summer long? I never would've believed you, if three years ago you told me I'd be here writing this song, but here I am, next to you

spookie-babes (olive x mur)

High School Sweethearts - Melanie Martinez (x) Can we just be honest? These are the requirements, if you think you can be my one and only true love. You must promise to love me, and damn it, if you fuck me over, I will rip your fucking face apart. Step one. You must accept that I'm a little out my mind. Step two. This is a waste if you can't walk me down the finish line. Step three. Give me passion, don't make fun of my fashion. Step four. Give me more, give me more, more. If you can't handle a heart like mine, don't waste your time with me. If you're not down to bleed, no, oh, if you can't handle the choking, the biting, the loving, the smothering, 'til you can't handle it no more, no more. Go home

Kiwi - Maroon 5 (x) But it's so strange, it's something new, amazing feelings that I have for you. I close my eyes when I'm alone, wonder what it'd be like to make you moan. I wanna give you something better, than anything you've ever had. A stronger and a faster lover, the world it disappears so fast. Sweet Kiwi, your juice is dripping down my chin. So please let me, don't stop it before it begins. So give it up, and don't pretend, and spread your arms and legs across the bed, and when you shake, you won't regret, the things I whisper in your ear

Bed Peace - Jhene Aiko (ft Childish Gambino) (x) Gotta act like I care about this fake stuff, straight up, what a waste of my day. If I had it my way I'd roll out of bed, say 'bout 2:30 mid day, hit the blunt then, hit you up to come over to my place. You show up right away, we make love then and then we fuck, and then you'd give me my space. What I am trying to say is, that love is ours to make so we should make it. Everything else can wait, the time is ours to take so we should take it. Wake up, wake up, bake up, gotta heat the vape up, let's get faded, gotta call your job tell em' you won't make it, ain't nobody here baby let's get wasted. We should just get naked

Past Lives - Kesha (x) We were lovers in a past life, I can see it in your green eyes. Maybe you were one of my wives? In a long lost tribe. There's just somethin' about you I know, started centuries ago though. You see your kiss is like a lost ghost, only I would know, but I, I keep on falling for you. Time after time, I'll make you mine, time after time. See millenniums ago love, we were nothing more than stardust. Just the galaxy beneath us, you found me. Then we made it though the ice age, but I lost you in the crusades. I build the pyramids for you babe, just to see your face.

Nothings going to hurt you baby - Cigarettes after Sex (x) Whispered something in your ear, it was a perverted thing to say, but I said it anyway. Made you smile and look away, nothing's gonna hurt you baby, as long as you're with me, you'll be just fine. Nothing's gonna hurt you baby. Nothing's gonna take you from my side. When we dance in my living room to that silly '90s R&B. When we have a drink or three, always ends in a hazy shower scene. Nothing's gonna hurt you baby, as long as you're with me, you'll be just fine. Nothing's gonna hurt you baby, nothing's gonna take you from my side

messes (patrick x elias)

a lover I dont have to love - bright eyes (x) Let's just keep touching, let's just keep keep singing. I want a lover I don't have to love, I want a boy who's so drunk he doesn't talk. Where's the kid with the chemicals? I got a hunger and I can't seem to get full. I need some meaning I can memorize. The kind I have always seems to slip my mind. But you, but you, you write such pretty words, but life's no story book. Love's an excuse to get hurt, and to hurt "Do you like to hurt?" "I do! I do!" "Then hurt me."

BOY - Charlie Puth (x) You tell me I'm too young but, I gave you what you wanted, baby, how dare you treat me just like a boy...You won't wake up beside me, cause I was born in the nineties. Baby, how do you treat me just like, like a boy, how dare you treat me just like a boy. 'Cause you talk a different talk, and you kiss me differently. Now I don't know where to go, after you love me this way, after you love me so good. How are you gonna tell me you don't wanna stay? 

Slow Dancing in the Dark - Joji (x) I don't want a friend, I want my life in two. Just one more night, waiting to get there, waiting for you, all night, I'm done fighting all night. When I'm around slow dancing in the dark. Don't follow me, you'll end up in my arms. You have made up your mind, I don't need no more signs, can you? Can you? Give me reasons we should be complete. You should be with him, I can't compete, you looked at me like I was someone else, oh well, can't you see? I don't wanna slow dance in the dark

Sexxxx Dreams - Lady Gaga (x) Last night, our lovers quarrel, I was thinking about you, more than I can say, and it was kind of dirty. All night, and the way that you looked at me, help me here, it was kind of nasty, it was kind of trashy. 'Cause I can't help my mind from going there. Heard your boyfriend was away this weekend,wanna meet at my place, heard that we both got nothing to do. When I lay in bed I touch myself and think of you. Last night, damn, you were in my sex dreams, doing really nasty things

the fuckups (em x alf)

earned it - the weeknd (x) You know our love would be tragic. So you don't pay it, don't pay it no mind. We live with no lies and you're my favourite kind of night. So I love when you call unexpected cause I hate when the moment's expected. So I'ma care for you, you, you. I'ma care for you, you, you, you, yeah. 'Cause girl you're perfect, you're always worth it and you deserve it.The way you work it. 'Cause girl you earned it.

Casual Affair - Panic! at the Disco (x) Hey, a casual affair, that could go anywhere, and only for tonight. Take any moment, any time, a lover on the left, a sinner on the right. Lay in the atmosphere, a casual affair. Lay in the atmosphere, a casual affair. Break involuntary ties, a secret so despised, could never find us out. Stay for as long as you have time, so the mess that we'll become, leaves something to talk about

Fetish - Selena Gomez (x) Reaching your limit, say you're reaching your limit, going over your limit, but I know you can't quit it. Something about me got you hooked on my body. Take you over and under and twisted up like origami, I'm not surprised, I sympathize, ah. I can't deny your appetite. You got a fetish for my love, I push you out and you come right back. Don't see a point in blaming you, if I were you, I'd do me too

Hurricane - Halsey (x) I went down to a place in Bed Stuy, a little liquor on my lips, I let him climb inside my body and held him captive in my kiss, and there's a storm you're starting now, theres a storm you’re starting. I'm a wandress, I'm a one night stand, don't belong to no city, don't belong to no man. I'm the violence in the pouring rain. I'm a hurricane

Eyes on Fire - Blue Foundation (x) I'll seek you out, flay you alive. One more word and you won't survive, and I'm not scared, of your stolen power. I see right through you any hour. I won't soothe your pain, I won't ease your strain. You'll be waiting in vain, I got nothing for you to gain. I'm taking it slow, feeding my flame, shuffling the cards of your game and just in time, in the right place, suddenly I will play my ace. 

[troominmoll]

"i feel like being bitter and listing off all the things that the 90s show changed about the original stories" as a relative newcomer to moomin-related stuff, i'm curious... what *did* the 90s show change??

*rubs hands because I love being insufferable*  

(Minor disclaimer that this is mostly done in good nature. I understand almost every show that is adapted from existing content is gonna change stuff to suit their story-telling needs. But I am annoyed that some who praise the 90s anime think the new series is bad simply for doing things differently when that show, and nearly every one prior to it, has also put their own spin on things.)

There are 24 episodes of Tanoshii Moomin Ikka (plus a movie) based on the books by Tove Jansson, and I think 11 based on the comic strips she wrote. It would take a long time to cover every single detail in every single episode, so I am mainly going to discuss those that have changes I find more significant, disappointing, personally distressing, or just plain baffling.

(A second disclaimer: I have not read any entire comic stories past the point where Tove stopped working on them. There are some episodes based on strips created exclusively by her brother Lars, The Vampire and Artists in Moominvalley being two examples. I will be skipping those, as well as Bouken Nikki episodes, as I have yet to thoroughly watch each one on account of so few being based on Tove’s work and the headaches they induce lmao. Nitpicks from fans who have read Lars’ strips in full are welcome.)

Now without further ado, let the fussing begin~

01 Spring in Moominvalley: This follows the basic storyline from the first two chapters of Finn Family, but with some notable changes. Snufkin at this point woke up from hibernation along with the rest of the family, Little My had yet to be introduced, and Snork - a child like the rest of the main cast - lived with his sister and the rest of the kids in the Moominhouse. The entire subplot of him being an inventor is merely an invention of the anime.

Moomintroll, in the book, spends a lot more time in transformed body. As he believes his friends are playing a new game when they fail to recognize him, he makes up a story about being “The King of California”. He repeatedly pretends to insult Moomin (himself), and in a touching display of devotion his own friends beat him up to defend his honour.

02 The Magic Hat: Continuing on with a scene based on the later half of chapter 2, we see Moomin rescue Snorkmaiden from the Ant Lion, and along with Snufkin, decide to trap him in the magical hat. In the original story however, Moomin and Snork trap the him. This was rather unprovoked, though Moomin cites a moment from a previous book (read all about it in The Moomins and the Great Flood!) where the Ant Lion allegedly kicked sand in Mamma’s eyes. The gang then takes the hat back inside for more “experiments”, and after making a mess, the adults decide it best to dispose of the hat in the river.

Much like in the story, the hat is soon recovered by Moomin and Snufkin, though a chapter where they hide it in a cave and and end up frightening the Muskrat (who uses it as a shelf for his dentures) is absent. It then continues to the scene where Moominhouse is briefly overgrown with plants. Aside from this happening sooner than it did in the book, and the premature appearance of the Hobgoblin, and the missing Mameluke hunt, and the part where all the children play in the jungle, I think it’s pretty true to that chapter!

03 Discovery of a Wrecked Ship:  First off, I wanna say I’m mostly including this episode on my list just to make it clear that Snufkin’s random sexist comments towards Snorkmaiden and Little My are missing from the book. There is a chapter where him and Moomin go ambling up some rocks, but “the girls” are thankfully absent from this scene.

So then they discover an abandoned boat and the rest of the episode is padded with scenes where they repair it. A charming spectacle, I’m sure, but also absent from the book as the boat they find is already in pristine condition. Shame that Snufkin never got to share his idea for the ship’s name, (it was Lurking Wolf aha ha ha) but that might be for the best.

07 The Suitcase: As seen in episode 06, Thingumy and Bob arrived in Moominvalley. They bring with them stolen goods and and the mother of Grimace, who seeks to recover said goods. Snufkin, once again letting everyone down, decides that a gentle female should speak to them about the contents of their suitcase and soon Snorkmaiden is assigned to the task. Instead the book features a trial sequence, which really helps hammer in the metaphor. Everyone takes part and Sniff acts as prosecutor of behalf of the Groke, who appears and is willing to trade the treasure in exchange for the magical top hat (NOT a pretty scallop).

08 The Hobgoblin’s Magic: Moomin hears that his wondrous wooden woman has washed up on the shores of Moominvalley. But when he rushes to the beach, he finds nothing but sand and disappointment waiting for him. This sends him spiraling into a brief yet no less deep depression which is cured only when Thingumy and Bob share their contents of their secret suitcase. The novel was much more reasonable however. He was saddened by the loss of Snufkin who had skipped the valley for the first time, promising (as we all know) to return on the first day of Spring.

And then there is a fabulous summer party thrown by the family after the recovery of Moominmamma’s handbag. This part is true to the story, at the very least. But the party in the book is much more fantastical, with dancing, music (from America of all places), punch served in darling sea shells, and everyone - right down to the tiniest forest critter - is invited, and gets to make a wish when the magic man arrives. 

09 An Invisible Friend / 10 The Invisible Child: I wouldn’t say that these episodes, featuring the famous character from Tales of Moominvalley, have any life-ruining changes from the original story. But since no episode is complete without a bit of drama, or a pointless cameo from Snufkin, a scene where Stinky traps Ninny with the intention of having her assist in his robberies has been written in. And Little My’s comment regarding the aunt in the English dub, where she states “I hope you told her she hurt Ninny’s feelings!” seems uncharacteristically gentle in comparison to her asking if Too-Ticky “bashed her head in”.

13 The Last Dragon on Earth: As mentioned in the entry above, some episodes will include new subplots or elements for the sake of drama and action. This episode is another example of that, but otherwise it has only minor tweaks. Snufkin states that “the cards” have told him he should leave Moominvalley early if he catches x number of such-and-such a fish, but that storyline is exclusive to this show.

14 Our Neighbor is a Touch Teacher: This episode is based on snippets of the comic strip “Moominmamma’s Maid”, but scraps the storyline containing the titular character from the strip, which is nearly all of it. Instead, it is entirely focused on the Moomin’s new neighbor, Mrs Fillyjonk, a strict and uptight mother of three.

After the Moomin’s welcome party leaves Mrs Fillyjonk fearing for her life, she forbids her children from playing with the Moomin brood. They sneak away anyway. A bunch of death defying stunts happen, courtesy of Stinky. Mrs Fillyjonk plans to leave the valley, but the kids have none of that. This is almost an original story, save for the existence of a party.

16 A Close Encounter with Aliens: Once again we have an episode based on the comics. It follows the basic plotline of the Moomins caring for a stranded Martian child.  But a lot of wackiness was cut for time, including invisible Moomins pranking valley residents, a flying fire brigade, and Moomin shrinking down with Mamma, who later bites a Fillyjonk child. Time used for an inserted chase scene with Stinky (one of many across the tv series) feels could’ve been better spent on some of the fun stuff mentioned in my previous sentence.

17 A Change of Air: And yet another comic-based episode, this one taken from “Moomin and Family Life”, which happens to be my personal favourite comic so this analysis may sound bitterer than others. The episode cuts the beginning of the strip, where we see a lonely parent-less Moomin contemplate suicide before being reunited with his long lost Moominmamma and Moominpappa. The comic is a completely different entity from the books and adjustments must be made, so this decision is understandable. But the following choice? Less so.

The episode instead starts with Pappa complaining that nothing exciting ever happens, and I won’t remind him of the events from episode 16 because everyone brings that up. Stinky overhears plans of doing something to entertain him, and during the night makes a set of giant footprints leading to the sea. Whereas in the comic strip, the “giant” prints are innocently left by Snufkin who was wearing boot too big for he gotdamn feet. He nearly perishes for this grave mistake.

Strips where Moominmamma and Moominpappa hang out in a cave, Moomin sheds a few tears tears, and Snufkin offers some half hearted words of comfort provide a basis for following scenes in the episode. But antics with Moomin and friends trying to foil Aunt Jane, who angrily travelled to the Moominhouse after being pranked by Pappa, are sadly missing. 

24 Hurry Up Snufkin: The part where Snufkin meets and later names the forest creature Teetywoo, is based on the short story “The Spring Tune”. There are many potential gripes one can have about such a brief scene.

A lot of the dialogue between the two characters reflects what is said in the short story, but what the episode sorely lacks are Snufkin’s feelings. Gone are his shouts and snaps, his grumpiness about being disturbed, his regret when he lashes out, his desperation to find Teetywoo again. His famous line “I’ll come when it suits me” is “cried violently”, making me wonder how it ever became an inspirational quote (oh wait I know). In favour of portraying Snufkin as cool and chill, the anime sometimes ends up making him look more like an emotionless bump on a log.

The plotline of Snufkin being late to return because he is trying to compose a new song has been cut, on account of either his lack of talent or lack of music budgeting.

25 The Lighthouse / 26 The Day the Lighthouse Lit Up: These episodes actually combine elements of two different stories: the comic strip “Moomin and the Sea”, and the similarly titled novel “Moominpappa at Sea”. Lacking most of the typical shenanigans from the strips, or bleak themes from the book, these episodes feel more like a slightly above-average family outing.

The episodes seems to lean more towards the comic, where Moominpappa takes on the job of lighthouse keeper as inspiration for his writing, and Moomin is terrorised by an equally frightened ghost. Too-Ticky unfortunately is missing from the episodes, alone with the scenes where she shares some spooky suggestions with the spectre, and where Snorkmaiden fakes her own drowning to help Moomin feel brave. 

Borrowing from the books, we meet both the former lighthouse keeper and a little boy named Toft, who apparently got very lost on his way to auditions for a “Moominvalley in November” episode. The episode scraps the element from the book of Moominpappa making the entire family miserable because he has some deluded fantasy about protecting and providing for them on his own, as well as a heart wrenching subplot involving the Groke, which I will not spoil for those considering reading it. But know this: there will be tears. 

28 The Floating Theatre / 29 The Lost Children / 30 Midsummer: This three-parter is based on “Moominsummer Madness”, which is kind of an interesting book. Taking place smack dab in the middle of the series, we see it move away from the more lighthearted tones of the early stories, and begin the shift towards the less fantastical and more serious themes of the later books. But it isn’t quite there yet. And being written around the time Tove still worked on the comic series, some parts of the book would not seem out of place if drawn in her strips.

The most noticeably difference between the original story and anime episodes is the change of the cast. With the number of characters and subplots happening at once in the book, it was inevitable that some unlucky sod would get scrapped from the story - three sods in fact, by the names of Mymble, Misabel, and Whomper. Sniff is inserted into the story, and references to Mr Fillyjonk, the stage manager and Emma’s late husband, are removed. 

Snufkin and My’s subplot is changed and cut quite short, beginning with the element of the two not knowing each other. His assault on the park keeper seems to be done for the sake of rescuing the children more or less imprisoned in the park, but book Snufkin simply took joy in breaking the law. The episode lacks great scenes of him trying to take care of the 24 little children; doing things like making silly noises, threatening to drown himself, and exposing them to second hand smoke. 

With a small handful of characters missing, the plot of the play Moominpappa writes greatly differs from the book. And say goodbye to the ending chapter, where the reunited Moomin family flees the police and gets chased all the way back to Moominvalley. 

45 Moomin Builds a House: This episode is based on the comic of the same title. Although it cuts the story quite short, what is left in is relatively close to the original. Except for the insertion of Snufkin, but I am not offended because that adorable laugh made his appearance worthwhile.

59, 63, 68 Adventures of Moominpappa: And here we get to the episodes based on “The Exploits of Moominpappa”. The first few changes I’d like to point out are a little less notable. As Mrs Fillyjonk was already more established in the show, the Hemulen aunt becomes a Fillyjonk. Edward is a silent character, the Nibling child that Pappa and co look after is absent, and everyone gets real ugly colour palettes. 

Next, as you may know, the original books don’t really follow a solid timeline and canon changes in between stories. So in an attempt to make more sense, the young Mymble that Moomin meets is Little My’s mother, rather than her sister. But strangely, Moominpappa’s other friends are no longer the parents of Sniff and Snufkin. Why those two were still so enraptured by listening to his story is unclear.

Comet in Moominland: Finishing off the list is a movie based on the story of the same name. Being the first in what is considered the “main” book series, there are bound to be differences in how characters are written. But there is no difference here more worth talking about than Snufkin.

As I’ve already mentioned before, he is portrayed in the anime as more relaxed. He is the older and most mature member of Moomin’s group of friends, and tends to be reserved in expressing his emotions. For the sake of presenting Snufkin as a responsible figure, he never teaches the gang his favourite game: rolling boulders down cliffs, an activity which almost results in multiple casualties. We never hear his story about disrespecting a police officer, and his subsequent prison break.

But Snufkin in the earlier books is very much a child like the rest of the main cast. He is playful and talkative, being described as bringing “gaiety” to their adventure, and is always thrilling his friends with epic tales from his travels. He is not shy about expressing himself, he is shown to have some sadness about having no parents and cries his wee heart out upon sees the dried up ocean.

Other changes may seem more innocuous by comparison, snipping a party scene and river raft ride, and including Little My. But with the lack of a noticeable personality for a key character, and some of the action scenes, much of the movie just feels like a boring hike home.

~

In short, yeah. As you can see I’m pretty passionate on this subject, especially when it comes to Snufkin’s characterisation. Anyone who wishes to discourse Moomins with me is welcome.  

[lilreesenerd]

Guardian Archangel

Summary: Turns out your best friend from childhood is really the archangel Gabriel, of all things.

Insp by Imagine from @nothing-but-spn

Warnings: I'm not a good writer

You had never been the extroverted type. I mean, you weren't captain of the sports team extroverted, but you also weren't the kid in the back of the class that said all of 2 words in a week. You kept to yourself because that's what made you feel most content: not the gossiping, fake friends you saw everyone else had. Out of the entire school, there was one guy who wasn't terrible: Gabe.

You two had been best friends for as long as you could remember. You always stuck up for him (being a theater kid wasn't easy for him), and he kept your life interesting. Gabe was always dragging you to a carnival or some obscure coffee shop. The best part about Gabe, though, was that he gave you your space. He knew you needed alone time to recharge. And that was okay with him.

You were smart, but not as smart as you realized. You had been accepted into a private college not far from your hometown on a ridiculous amount of scholarship money, but you weren't quite sure that was the path you wanted. It was the only path you knew, though. Well, besides working at McDonald's or being in your parents' house forever.

"Ms. (Y/L/N)," the professor called on you, knowing you weren't paying any attention.

"Uh," you knew you were in Calculus, but other than that, you hadn't been listening. Your mind scrambled to figure out what the question was as you scanned the room for clues. A question on the board asked to find the derivative of the equation below. Suddenly, you remembered the answer, "5x - 3."

Your professor was unimpressed. "Please pay attention, Ms. (Y/L/N). Finals are approaching, and you need to maintain your grades if you still plan to attend that school." She returned to scribbling derivatives on the blackboard and droning about their importance.

You nodded your head to her back and caught Gabe suppressing a laugh across the room. You stuck your tongue out, an old habit from your younger years that you just couldn’t kick. Gabe always brought out your fun side.

With the professor turned around, Gabe flicked a paper football at you. It landed perfectly on top of your green notebook. Opening it, you read his sprawling yet elegant handwriting, "Since you're so tired, let’s get coffee after class. I found a new spot downtown ;P."

You tried to look annoyed, but those big goofy green eyes of his made you give in, tucking the note into your pocket with a nod.

-------------------------

"No way. Frost was a genius!"

"Definitely not. Everything he wrote was either too obvious or too cryptic to be poetry." You took a slow sip of your scalding coffee with 3 sugars, happily goading Gabe into an all-out frenzy.

"Seriously?!" Gabe is livid. Hair awry, face red, and fists clenched. "You're like the smartest person I know, and now I think you're quite possibly the most uncultured!" He slammed his fist on the table, nearly over-turning his double chocolate chip iced mocha with extra chocolate syrup.

You laughed. "Gabe, you're going to need to control your temper if you want to win the debate next week. You have to metaphorically smash the competition, not literally." You remembered the time someone had pushed you over in the hallway while still in middle school, which resulted in Gabe being suspended for a week and the other kid being in the hospital for just as long.

"Hmm," Gabe sat down and took a long drink of his sugary concoction. "Oh," he straightened himself as if remembering something, "bacteria is the only culture some people have." He liked memes and knew you would appreciate the science-related joke.

You choked on your coffee in an attempt to keep it from flying across the table and onto your friend who is practically rolling on the floor with laughter.

While you're recovering from the near-death experience and hacking up a lung in the process, the cute barista smiles at you two from behind the counter. "Hey you should ask her out," you said to your friend who was known to flirt with any breathing female. "She seems nice," you wiggled your eyebrows, "and I'll bet she's domesticated."

"Yeah," Gabe shot the barista a smolder and a wink, nearly causing the woman to swoon right then and there, and said, "she's definitely more domestic than you are."

"Hey now, watch it." You threatened playfully.

The two of you returned to your coffee, reminiscing about your childhood. Catching bugs, wrestling in mud holes, skateboarding down the middle of the street, and eventually graduating to four-wheeling through the woods behind the neighborhood, were some of your most treasured memories. For many years, the two of you would always come home covered in mud, grass, or some odd mixture of the two. By the seventh grade, Gabe was starting to discover a love for theater. He wanted to write, produce, direct, and star in his very own works. You decided on almost the complete opposite. A quiet life on a farm, an honest life, sounded perfect. You had worked on friends' and family's cars for practice whenever you got your own car. You preferred domestic brands like Ford and Chevrolet, and eventually wound up with a pickup truck made the year before you were born. You enjoyed fishing and shooting competitions (you didn't hunt because you had a soft spot for animals, fishing was different, though). The oddity of your person was that you wanted a simple life, but you were so smart that your school advisor kept telling you to be a doctor. Interrupting your thoughts, the barista crept over, refilling your coffee and sliding Gabe a napkin with her number on it.

She left, and Gabe chuckled, bringing you the rest of the way back from memory lane, "There's nothing wrong with you not being totally domestic like cook, sew, have babies kinda thing. You're just...you. And there's no one else like you, so embrace that part of yourself."

"Aw, Gabe, you're making me blush," you mocked and made a pouty face at him.

"Watch it, princess, or I might turn my charm on and render you helpless." He smiled and put on his most suave air. Standing and extending his arm he added, "May I?"

Shaking your head in disbelief, you took one long gulp of your now-too-strong coffee (you hated getting your cup topped-off. It ruined the proportion of sugar to bean) and took his arm. "Where to?"

"Wherever you want to go, (Y\N)."

You laughed. He always knew how to get you to go along with his adventures. "Hmm," you thought a moment, "Fishing." You knew he hated fishing, but you wanted to see if he would go anyway.

"We went fishing last weekend," he whined.

You raised an eyebrow. Your big brown puppy-dog eyes ready to make him give in.

"Fine, fine, I did say wherever you wanted, just put away those weapons of mass destruction,” he teased, referring to your doe eyes, “but I get to pack the cooler."

"Just pack something non-diabetes-inducing for me, Hansel." Gabe had a real sweet-tooth. It was a miracle he didn't have a mouth full of fillings or diabetes.

----------------

That weekend, the lake was smooth as glass, the perfect sunset reflected as if another world lay beneath its surface. The fish were biting and the mosquitoes weren't: it was destined to be a great day. Until Gabe started snoring, leaned up against the cooler. Snoring is putting it lightly. He was sawing logs with chocolate on the corners of his wide-open mouth, clutching the small cooler with both arms.

You sighed, pushing him off the cooler and onto his stomach, noticing something shiny in his waistband. You cocked your head, wondering what it could be. Maybe a flashlight? Oh well, none of my business.

You fished for two more hours before waking Gabe. "Come on, man. Its not very gentlemanly to leave a girl unattended on an outing," you poked his ribs.

He swatted at your hand, murmuring and mostly asleep.

Unable to wake him conventionally, you went to grab his flashlight, planning to shine it in his eyes. As your fingers brushed the cold metal object, Gabe twisted around, grabbing your wrist, his eyes fully alert.

"What do you think you're doing?" He asked harshly and accusingly.

"Chill. I was just trying to wake you up." You raised your hands more nervously than defensively, flexing your calf to make sure the knife was still sheathed at your ankle. Gabe would sometimes do this super-aggressive thing, and honestly? It worried you. You weren't scared, just prepared for the worst, and keeping your breathing level.

"Sorry, (Y/N)," Gabe rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably, "you must've woke me up during a bad dream." You tossed him a candy bar, and he started to relax a bit, eyes shifting around the bank.

"That's bologna." You crossed your arms across your chest. "Why are you really on edge? And what's that?" You pointed to the silver object behind Gabe.

He sighed. "Flashlight."

"Show me," you challenged. You had known him as long as you could remember, and right now, he was lying. And he never lied to you. Ever. The one time he did, it was to keep you from seeing your dog that had just been hit by a speeding car. 

"Let's go somewhere else," he said and touched your forehead with two fingers.

One second, you're at the lake, the next, you're back in the coffee shop from before. Before Gabe can start explaining, you have the hunting knife unsheathed and in his face.

"What. The. Heck, Gabe?!" Snarling through bared teeth, you are barely holding it together. How am I in the coffee shop? We were just at the lake.

He scoffed. "Sit down, (Y/N). I have a lot to explain, and you have a lot to learn." He seemed irritated with you and oblivious to the knife in his face.

With your brow creased, you slowly sit down in the booth. Gabe snaps his fingers and a coffee, hot with 3 sugars, is in front of you, and his favorite sugary drink is in front of him. He takes a sip and a faint smile flickers across his face.

"My name is Gabriel, and I'm an angel." He quickly clarified, "An angel of the Lord. No. Not the harp-on-a-cloud type."

You are pretty sure your mouth is hanging open. He just answered the question you were thinking. Thinking. You managed, "Excuse me?"

Gabriela's mouth turns down, "Huh. I figured you'd take that worse than you did. Good job." He took another drink, gesturing for you to do the same.

You do so. It’s actually a really good blend. "Why are you here? I mean, are you on a secret mission or something?"

Gabriel smiles. "Oh, you don't know how right you are, kiddo."

Your head cocked to one side, asking the question for you.

"I'm your guardian angel. Well, I'm a lot of people's guardian angel, I just happen to really like you."

"Me?" You figured you must have fallen asleep at the lake, hit your head, and are now having trauma-induced visions. "I'm not special. Or interesting. Why are you really here?"

Gabe stood and gestured you walk with him. As the two of you wandered down the streets of the small town, he explained everything: Heaven, Hell, monsters, demons, angels, and even God, his dad. Turns out Gabe is really an archangel.

Everything starts to make sense to you: the perfect days when Gabe is with you, how you can remember things when he's around, and so much more. Like getting into your first choice college on a full scholarship.

"So," Gabe was approaching the reason why he was here, "you have a father."

“Well yeah, he died when I was little."

Gabe raises an eyebrow and smiles.

You are exasperated. “Oh come on, Gabe, that’s not funny.”

"Have I ever lied to you?" You didn't answer. He never had, not when it mattered. He always had your best interests at heart. "Exactly. Now listen, you have a father and two brothers who don't know you. Technically, there's a third, but no one knows about him yet either. They hunt these monsters and things, and they could use your help."

[seventeen-scenarios-blog]

[SPECIAL] All Your Hate (and all your love) (G)

HEY GUYS GREAT NEWS, WE’VE GOT A NEW ADMIN!!

ADMIN HOSHIT, SAY HI!

A/N: Hi guys! as my name suggests, I’m soonyoung’s trash (even though jihoon is my bias). I write with lots of sarcasm, run-on sentences, parentheses, italics and dashes between words because that’s how i roll ;____: I’ll also sell my soul to the devil for seventeen, memes and The Gay Agenda so feel free to hit me up with any of those :) if anyone has any advice with regards to writing better, please dm/message us (i live for constructive criticism) 

HOSHIT ROLL OUT \0/

Prompt: Mingyu and Minghao as neighbours  Ship: Minghao x Mingyu  Genre: Crack, fluff Word count: 2,066 Warnings: None!

Minghao was not having a good day.

His cactus’ health has been on a steady decline for two weeks now, and it seems that it had finally decided to kick the metaphorical bucket overnight. Minghao had watched as his cactus had defied the florist’s instructions of “water every two weeks! It’s hardy.” Hardy, his ass. Ever since the cactus had been placed on his window sill to receive optimal levels of sunlight, it had begun its gradual descent into its current state, a withered yellow stick. The knowledge that he was less nurturing than the desert was more than slightly grating on his nerves, and the jaundiced stalk mocked him from its pedestal on the window sill, the bright sunlight at odds with his darkening mood.

What’s worse was that his neighbor, the bane of his existence, an overgrown muscle being, was silent. Suspiciously silent. He should have been listening to wall-shaking music at that time in the morning and generally making a nuisance of himself while working out, and yet there was nothing coming from the other side of the wall.

Strange. Minghao was not about to lower his guard. Ever since that walking accident named Kim Mingyu moved in next to him, his life had lost all semblance of peace. Oh it had started out simple enough, Minghao had a decently good impression of Mingyu when he knocked politely on the door to introduce himself, Mingyu’s good looks deceiving Minghao for the first few hours. Then the cookies that Mingyu brought over had given him a stomachache, which Minghao had (mistakenly!) written off as unsanitary Thai food he’d ordered for dinner. Then the plumbing for the whole floor had gotten clogged (Mingyu had dropped his toilet roll in the toilet and decided to flush, instead of fishing it out like a normal human being). Then Mingyu’s stove had caught on fire (how? HOW?) and caused a building-wide evacuation, which Minghao was certainly not pleased about, his daily dance practice ruined. Then the flu that started from Mingyu and contaminated the floor (in other words, Minghao, as the whole floor only had two apartments). Then the loud exercise music at 8am, a time Minghao considered illegal to wake up at. Then the squirrels. Oh God, the squirrels. Within a month, Mingyu had turned from the handsome-puppy-next-door to devil-incarnate-please-go-back-to-hell-and-stay-there.

Minghao stirred from his half-asleep thoughts. It was time to throw out the cactus and get a new one, pretend nothing had happened and be content in his knowledge that he had a green thumb and all of his plants flourished and none of them have ever died on him yet (Minghao’s plants have never lasted beyond their third week, which, coincidentally, was the record that this cactus had set before its untimely death that morning). Maybe he would even do a Viking funeral for this one to celebrate its longevity and its part in the ongoing war that is Minghao’s attempts to cultivate a living being other than himself.

The boat prepared, the sink full of water, Minghao poured the cactus and its wet soil out of its vase and into the paper boat. It was time for the send-off. Wait, wet soil? Minghao never watered his plants. With a curse, Minghao lifted the boat out of the face of its impending watery doom and tossed it into the bin, Viking funeral be-damned. There was only one person who could have committed such a foul deed, and that person was Kim Mingyu.

Seething, Minghao wrenched open his apartment door, not even bothering to change out of his pink bunny slippers and hammered on Mingyu’s door.

“KIM MINGYU! OPEN UP! HOW DARE YOU! MISTER CACTUS NUMBER FIVE WAS MY FAVOURITE CACTUS! COME OUT AND OWN UP!”

The apartment remained silent. In a fit of anger, Minghao twisted the door knob, not expecting the door knob to actually turn and grant him access to the devil’s lair. That idiot… Minghao could hardly believe his eyes. He knew his neighbor was not exactly the smartest person but to leave his apartment unlocked was an act that was inconceivable. Unless this was part of Mingyu’s grand plan? To aggravate Minghao in the hopes that he would get angry, try the door knob, go into his house and wreck it, and Mingyu would be able to call the police and capture Minghao while Mingyu laughed evilly and watch as the police dragged Minghao-the-trespasser to jail where he would die old and alone? No, Mingyu was not capable of a plan that required an intelligence level higher than a seal.

Minghao giggled—no he laughed in a deep and manly way, as he entered the demon’s apartment, half expecting Mingyu to be lurking around exorcist-esque, where the main character would enter a seemingly empty room and be relieved, only to realise that the demon was behind him all the while. With this thought, Minghao whipped his head around and checked behind him just in case Mingyu was really there waiting in ambush. The empty umbrella stand gazed mournfully back at him. Embarrassed, Minghao turned to survey the apartment. It dawned on him that with the unexpected entry to the house, he actually had no idea what to do next.

He’d dreamt of getting back at Mingyu for weeks, but none of his plans actually involved going into Mingyu’s house because it was absurd that he would be able to. And yet, Minghao stands in Mingyu’s house, with no Mingyu in sight.

There was a thud from above, and Minghao jerked, because what if Mingyu came back. But it was just Chan from apartment 151, and unbidden, Chan’s story of how he pranked his brother rose to mind. Chan had moved all the furniture in his brother’s house one inch to the right, because “that big oaf wouldn’t be able to tell the difference”, and had a gleeful two hours of confusion from his brother before he was found out. That had sparked a whole chain of pranks that had required a whole month of dance classes with Minghao to recount in full.

Minghao blurred to action, moving all the furniture he could, just enough to throw Mingyu off, but not enough that Mingyu would find out for, he hoped, at least a day. In just a few moments, most of Mingyu’s furniture was sufficiently moved to his liking, and Minghao threw in a victorious door slam as he bounded back towards his apartment to wait for Mingyu to come back from wherever he went.

A mere half an hour later, a crash heralded Mingyu’s arrival, because of course even after twenty years of existence that tree of a man still hadn’t figured out how to navigate flat surfaces. Minghao almost felt bad.

A flurry of self-censored curses flew from next door as Minghao listened on in bliss. It seemed like Mingyu had found the slightly rearranged shoe rack. “FLYING FISHCAKES!” and the couch, if Minghao could be so bold as to hazard a guess. “MOTHER FATHER!” and maybe the lamp. Minghao was in heaven.  

Two days of life interjected with strangely creative curses later, Minghao found himself re-evaluating Mingyu’s intelligence level. It seemed that Mingyu had an IQ that was less comparable to a dog, which was what Minghao had originally thought, and more comparable to a tree. That insufferable man emulated them in height after all, it wasn’t too much of a stretch to say that he also had brains similar to the foliage that Minghao was incapable of growing.

Minghao despaired. The overgrown child that was his neighbor did not even swear properly, instead resorting to substitute words that made even less sense as time went on. Lately, he’d been on a bug phase, and Minghao was tired of hearing different species of insects being shouted at him through a wall.

“DUNGBEETLE!”

Aggravated and yet somewhat sorry, Minghao ran next door, ready to confess to Mingyu what he had done. It seemed like he was growing soft in old age, having already forgiven Mingyu for all the wrongs that he had committed after only two days of, admittedly, pain-filled revenge.

Mingyu’s doorbell was an oddly cute ring unbefitting of a man in his twenties, but Mingyu emerged quickly, looking like a kicked puppy as he rubbed his knee. The man brightened up instantly at the sight of Minghao, a smile curving across his face as he greeted “Minghao! What brings you over? Would you like some tea?”

As Mingyu rambled on, Minghao stood still in shock over how adorable Mingyu looked when he opened the door oh my God what is going on Xu Minghao get a grip. When Mingyu’s string of random phrases finally came to an end, Minghao blurted “I moved all your furniture a little when you were out two days ago, it’s why you’ve been bumping into your stuff a lot more these few days, but it’s only because you watered my cactus and it died! We’re even now so don’t bump into your furniture anymore!” He made to run off, but Mingyu’s hand on his bicep stopped him.

Sheepishly, Minghao turned to meet Mingyu’s eyes, only to see that Mingyu’s face was pink and ashamed.

“I’m sorry about your cactus. You told me the first time we met that your plants always died because you didn’t water them enough, so I watered your cactus for you since I can reach your pot from the window, but I’m also a bad gardener so your cactus died anyway. It’s my fault, I’ll buy you a new cactus.”

Minghao was incredulous. He remembered that I don’t water plants so he watered them for me?

“How about you come in, and we can sit down and you can tell me what kind of cactus you want? Or we can go to the florist to pick one out?”

The situation was changing too quick for Minghao to even understand what was going on. It was almost as if he was just a bystander watching events unfold, but with no context whatsoever.  

“So why did you start watering my plants?” Minghao decided to change the topic and get at least one answer to the list of questions that he had for Mingyu.

Mingyu visibly startled, before taking a deep breath and ushering Minghao to the couch.

“I suppose I might as well say it. I like you, Minghao. Ever since I moved next door, I’ve been trying to ask you out but there’s never been a right moment. You’ve avoided me like the plague as well, so I just wanted to have some sort of contact with your life, however indirect.”

Speechless, Minghao sat. He had never encountered someone willing to do so much for a guy who “avoided him like the plague”, and frankly, it was flattering. He’d thought about Mingyu before too, before Mingyu started wreaking havoc on his life.  Speaking of which…

“How did your stove catch on fire two weeks ago?”

Mingyu immediately covered his face and mumbled “I was trying to cook but I heard music from your house and went over to see what was going on. You were dancing and it looked so cool that I forgot about my pancakes. And then the fire alarm started.”

“Huh.” Was all Minghao could say. They sat in silence for a while, each mulling over what had just transpired. The sharp whistle of the kettle prompted Mingyu to make the tea, and while he was gone, Minghao considered his options.

Clearly, Mingyu was interested. And cute. And Minghao wasn’t opposed to getting to know Mingyu better, the clumsy attempts of Mingyu to win him over strangely endearing. The cons were that Mingyu awoke at ungodly hours, but Minghao supposed that it could be trained out of Mingyu quickly.

Mingyu sat the mugs down, and Minghao, cradling his mug, said “I’m willing to give you—or us, a chance. Let’s get to know each other better first.”

Mingyu’s despondent face (God why is that so cute?) immediately changed, a wide smile taking the place of the pout.

“Really?”

“Yes, Mingyu. So where do we go from here?” Minghao would be damned if he ever told anyone about how adorable Mingyu looked if he smiled. Perhaps if he hadn’t avoided Mingyu all the time he would have had a better impression of Mingyu and become friends with him earlier.

“How about a coffee?”

“Lead the way.”

[sheepydraws]

I’ll Kick Your Ass, I’ll Kick My Fiancee’s Ass, I’ll Kick My Own Ass! (2/11)

Also on Ao3

Last Chapter Next Chapter

Part 2: Orientation

A slim black notebook with gilded pages. The cover is leather(ish) except for a shiny rectangle where the words “Diary” once were. However, on the inside cover is a nameplate that says, “This Diary Belongs To:” and is signed, “Akane Tendo”:

Why do I bother keeping this thing? All I do is read the entries where I’m happy and excited and figure everything will work out, and then I feel even more upset about what actually happened.

So, yeah. Dad went through with his threat-I mean, “frugality”, and made Nabiki drive down here with me and Kasumi. Nabiki was a total bitch about it so we didn’t get here till two. It’s a good thing Kasumi doesn’t look like a parent, cause she was supposed to be gone by five, but she couldn’t get out till six.

Once she was gone Nabiki went to the dining hall with me, probably just so I could ask, “Why is it so empty in here?” and she could say, “They’re probably all at their first assembly.” with a nonchalant sip of milk.

Her fucking soy milk that she isn’t even supposed to bring into the dining room.

So I scarfed my food and ran to the big arts hall, and I burst into the auditorium just in time for the sexual health and gender lecture.

They had just gotten to the part about gender identity.

I wanted to back out of the auditorium and punch myself in the face.

But I didn’t. Cause that would be even weirder than busting into an auditorium like it was prom night in an eighties movie.

So. Whatever. Great. A great way to start.

Technically nothing starts till tomorrow. Tomorrow will be better. I’ll actually meet people tomorrow, and we’ll do reading and stuff, and there won’t be any more awkward lectures about consent where everyone wants to laugh, or, at least, I want to laugh, but not laugh, but there’s a part of me that just wants to giggle every time they say sex.

It’s okay. Already it’s better than last year because everyone here is going to know me as Akane Tendo, and Ranma Fucking Saotome is two hundred miles away.

Now that is a good way to start the year.

Last Five Posts on okonomiyakimeansiloveyou.tumblr.com:

5. A big ole gooey slab of okonomiyaki spread with special sauce and mayonnaise, marbled so as to resemble the pattern usually seen on mille-feuille.

4. Fanart for Elementary.

3. Beyoncé on feminism, gif set.

2. A photo of a dorm room. Thin white curtains hang from the open window, grazing a bookcase (doubling as a bedside table) scattered with perfume, contact lens case, note book, colored pens, and an orientation flier face down. #already a mess #of course #makes it feel more like home

1. A picture of two girls sitting cross legged on a bed together. One is chubby, with her hair done up in two big buns. It’s so dark it is almost purple (or is that a trick of the light, or a botched dye job?) She’s smiling and making a peace sign with one hand, the other wrapped around the neck of a bottle of grape soda. The girl next to her looks like she was doing the same thing, but she jostled her can of ginger ale, and the photo catches her mid-jerk, hair whipping out behind her as she turns, trying to steady herself.

The next photo is the chubbier girl laughing as the other slumps against the wall, a hand over her face.

She’s smiling, though.

From: lethemeatpussy@yahoo.com

To: TexmexTesco@gmail.com

Dude, bro, man, pal,  

I’ve got a tournament, so I won’t actually be at school till orientation’s over (I didn’t know orientation was a thing, but whatever, the dean cleared me, so it’s fine) so do whatever you want to the room. I’ll deal. Should be there sometime Sunday.

See ya!

Ranma Saotome

——Bitches ain’t shit!

From: TexmexTesco@gmail.com

To: prettyporkchop@gmail.com

Dear Akari,

it’s almost midnight, but I really wanted to tell you that I got here okay, and it’s actually a lot nicer than you thought it would be. It’s not Oxford, but I like the view out my window. Our dorm is kind of built into a hill, so my room is on the ground floor, but there’s a story high drop right out my window, then a hill, then the woods. They’re the kind of thin, scraggly woods you get a lot in America, but I bet it’ll be amazing in a few months when all the leaves start changing color.

That’s really all there is to talk about. I haven’t even met my roommate yet because he has a martial arts tournament and won’t be here for orientation. I looked him up and he’s apparently some martial arts prodigy—if that’s a thing??? Maybe I’ll have something more interesting to write about when he does show up, but for now I just wanted to tell you I’m doing well, and I miss you, and I hope you’re okay, too.

Love, Ryoga

A fluffy pink volume with a tiny heart shaped lock you could break by jamming a switch blade in it. Although why would you want to, since Kodachi would probably repurpose it as an overwrought metaphor, thusly:

The sun rises

But the black veil of my loneliness

Will not be pierced.

I walk the balance beam with purpose

But tears slide aimless down my cheeks.

My misery fills me up. Roots my feet to the beam.

I break from gravity

Yet I cannot fly.

If twirling upside down can not change my perspective—-

How can college ever hope to manage it?

From: Nabikitendo@email.nsj.edu

To: Tsubasakurenai@email.nsj.edu

Your receipt for transaction #34092:

1 Carton Bailey’s Farm Fresh Milk:Whole Fat

4 packs of erasers

2 Canisters Smirnoff Whipped Cream

3 Jars Bacardi Maraschino Cherries (1 without flavoring, 2 with watermelon)

Total: 167.55USD

From: Nabikitendo@email.nsj.edu

To: picoletchardin@email.nsj.edu

Your receipt for transaction #39475:

5 Cartons Snappy Ice Cream (peppermint, peach, cinnamon bun)

6 loaves of bread, Blue Ribbon Artisanal.

4 packs Dom P’s dogs

2 cartons Altoid’s Mints

Total: 443.46USD

Facebook messenger:

Shampoo: Psssst—You didn’t hear it from me, but there’s a party this weekend.

Ukyo: Who’d you hear that from?

Shampoo: Dude in my discussion group mentioned it. Said it’s a freshman only thing.

Ukyo: Sounds lame.

Shampoo: Nah, he said it would be in that four person room, in the basement of the guys dorm? It’s big and the closest TA is a floor away so…

Ukyo: What do you think freshman can even get up to?

Shampoo: Ukyo, we’re college freshman now. What can’t we get up to? ;3

Shampoo:  Also dude was bragging that there would be enough booze to drown in.

Ukyo: I guess I can’t say no to bathing in bacardi ;)

Shampoo’s phone ——> Mousse’s phone

Could you tell gran that I can’t come home

this weekend?

                                                                                              Why don’t you do it?

You know she’s bad with texting.

                                                                                              She has more social    .                                                                                             media accounts than  .                                                                                             you do.

Restaurant stuff doesn’t count.

                                                                                              Still.

                                                                                              You could tell her if      .                                                                                              you wanted.

She’ll just talk me out of it. Ask

me, ‘why can’t you come see

your poor ailing grandmother?’

                                                                                              Fine. Only because   .                                                                                             you still fall for that      .                                                                                             when I am literally        .                                                                                             watching her haul a    .                                                                                             dead pig out of the      .                                                                                             car and gut it like a     .                                                                                             fish.

From: prettyporkchop@gmail.com

To: TexmexTesco@gmail.com

Dear Ryoga,

I miss you so much!!!! At least once the term starts I’ll have classes to keep me busy, but for now all I do is think about you and hope America hasn’t roughed you up too much. I know it’s a small college, you wanted to be closer to your mom, etc. but I’m still a little worried about how a year abroad is going to treat you.

At least I’ll get you for Christmas. It seems so far off (121 days, if you’re bored enough to count) but I know it’ll be here in a second; some years it’s like I get out of the pool and slide right into a jumper and waffle treads.

I hope your orientation thing is going well. Are you actually doing any work, or are they just making sure you know where the washing machines are? Did I tell you that when my Aunt Jackie was doing her first term she slept in the washing machine room for a week because her roommate always had her boyfriend over? I’ve heard so many college horror stories now that I’m going there. It reminds me of my first cooking competition. It’s only after you’ve been accepted and can’t back out that everyone starts talking about that time their oven exploded or their creme fresh was trés rotten. But I’m sure we can tackle this together. <3

All my love,

Akari.

——killin’ me softly/and I’m still fallin’/Still the one I need/I will always be with you

Kodachi’s Journal:

Oh!

That I were like the sparrow!

Free to leave come the winter

And return to any nest I chose.

Trapped in this prison.

Smiling

And behind my smile

I wonder

Who here can not bear the pain of the ambiguity of their emphembral ephmenral limited existence?

Am I alone in my pain?

Perhaps I could relive myself

If only I had a true grand experience

A truly life defining moment

To write about

For this stupid assignment

Which torments my dreams.

Akane’s Diary:

He’s here.

I was in the boys dorm because Betty, (this girl I’ve been hanging out with, Bio major) wanted to grab her boyfriend for dinner. Like in the girl’s dorm, everyone’s room has a little paper square with their name on it on the door, and there it was. In smeary comic sans on door 1C: Ranma Saotome.

Fuck.

Why did I think I could ever just go somewhere and be Akane Tendo?

All I wanted was a school no one from my high school was going to. Somewhere really liberal and maybe on the small side. Somewhere where no one would know me as the guy who’s now a girl who got engaged and then threw down with his/her fiancé in the fucking parking lot.

It’s almost funny. I should have expected this out of my bad sitcom of a life. I should have realized that Ranma’s complete lack of drive, combined with his inability to let down his father, and my father’s apparent desire to ruin my life by associating me with them, would cause this to happen.

Of course he would be enrolled here.

Of course.

Why do I ever hope things will change?

No, no, no pity party. I can change this. I can set Ranma straight. I could get him expelled if I wanted. Fuck him! I am not the one who doesn’t belong here, I shouldn’t be the one to leave.

                                  Final Orientation Assignment  

Please write a narrative essay describing a life changing event. The event chosen may be big or small, but the essay must fully describe an experience that changed the way you view the world, how you choose to live your life, etc. The experience may be as personal in nature as you like. You will not have to read in front of your group, though you will be invited to.  

Requirements:1,000-2,500 words in length.

Must be narrative in structure. Remember, scene not summary!

Must be an event that affected you. You may not write about another’s experience.

NOTE: Due to issues in previous years, please do not write about losing your virginity, or other sexual experiences. Coming out has been a common topic among these essays, but we ask that you refrain from explicitly sexual material.  

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         Ukyo Kuonji                                                                                                                                                                                                                             Orientation Group 1                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         August 18th

                                           How I Learned the Truth

Your best friend should always tell you the truth. I told my best friend that, and he told me the truth: that he had always been a boy. A few years later he told me another truth: That he liked me. Then I came out, and I believed that the truth will set your free, and every other platitude, besides. Love is friendship that has caught fire. The world is your oyster. Tuna is good for your health.

Then my boyfriend told me another truth: He was engaged.

I, the person, who would believe anything, said, “Yeah, right.” I was stupid enough to wonder if what he had said was the start of a proposal.

He stared at me, toying with the scarf around his neck. We were standing at the front gate of our high school. He’d been waiting for me there, early for once, even though it was November and was already cold enough that most people were scurrying inside as fast as they could.

The front yard was fairly empty, so Ranma’s boots scuffling on the cement became the loudest sound.

“I’m engaged to this guy.” He said.

“You don’t even like guys.” I said, forgetting that the rest of the world doesn’t know my boyfriend. Doesn’t always think of him as a boy.

“My dad, he wants me to marry this guy. He’s got this idea, you know, cause I’m going to take over the dojo.” “There isn’t a dojo to take over.” I said, forgetting that Ranma would dive into a pit of hungry cats if his father asked him to. Would gladly take over an imaginary dojo.

“His family has one. A real dojo. It’s really nice. They’re that family dad and I have dinner with on Sundays. You met them once, remember? That’s why I was so weird that day. Our dads were already talking about this.” Under his breath he added, “Making shitty innuendos, even.”

I had already forgotten the faces of the huge family who all rushed past me on their way out of Ranma’s house, but I remembered vividly how good they had smelled, one of them holding a stack of tupperware, steam condensing on the lids. Ranma had been a little weird after that, but I thought it was because we had sex for the first time about a week ago and it was that sort of, pass-me-a-chip-will-you-person-I-lost-my-virginity-to? awkwardness. Not Oh-and-by-the-way-I’m-engaged-to-someone-else-because-I-constantly-crave-my-father’s-approval awkwardness.

I didn’t even know they made that kind.

“But you love me.” I said, and that was the truth. I took Ranma’s hand and pressed it to my chest, except I was a bit overzealous and slammed it into the soft spot between my collarbone and breasts. It bruised. “If your parents are going to suggest a child marriage, why-why don’t you and I get married?”

The second worst truth I learned that day was that I would have done that. I would have skipped school, stolen my father’s car, and found a court house. I would have married Ranma. I could see him and I bursting into my house, red cheeked from the wind and happiness, clutching the marriage license between us, smiling and laughing and invulnerable.

Ranma’s hand slid from mine. Our marriage license fluttered to the ground.

“One, we’re not eighteen. Two…” Ranma held my eyes for a moment, and it was the worst moment of my life because I saw the truth: All those emotions I thought were love, they could be boxed up and pushed aside. Perhaps not without some angst, but it could be done. The truth was that love can not climb mountains. It can’t cure illness. It can’t even argue with your father.

Love is friendship that has caught fire, sure, but then it goes out and the friendship has all burned up. No love lasts. Not the love between a child and their parent, not the love between friends, not the love between lovers. Eventually all you have is a hope of love as you do everything in your power to hold on to the person who used to embody it.

The late bell rang and we both headed inside. We were walking next to each other, but not together. That was when I decided that if Ranma didn’t have to care about this, I didn’t have to either. I wasn’t going to become like him, chasing down love and trying to corner it in dark alleys. I boxed up all my feelings and tossed them down the back stairs. Along with all the shit he had ever given me or left at my house over the years. My dad watched from his chair in the living room as I found every single book, sock, and stupid trinket that I knew was his.

“I thought you two were going to prom together.” My dad said while I was rummaging under the couch. Before my mother left she told me all sorts of important things, like that I should go to therapy and that my parents lost their virginity to each other at prom. I have a feeling my father suspected that Ranma and I were going to keep up the tradition, sans ditching our real dates by the punch bowl.

“Prom’s not till next year.” I emerged from under the couch covered in dust bunnies.

“Still. I thought you two had plans.”

“We do.” They just aren’t the same ones.

My father leaned forward in his chair and put his hands on his knees. “Ukyo, I just want to know what Ranma did to upset you, and if it warrants me going down there with a gun.”

“You don’t have a gun, dad.” I kicked up the rug to see if anything had been swept under it.  “And even if you did, you wouldn’t threaten a kid with it.”

“I don’t think you’re kids anymore. You can certainly hurt each other like adults.”

“He didn’t hurt me. He just doesn’t love me anymore.” Of course that was the fact that made my gut burn like there was a hot knife in it, but it was a fact. Ranma hadn’t hurt me. He told me the truth.

Genma’s phone——-> Ranma’s phone

Ranma?

Ranma?

Did you go to get the food? I want two breasts and coleslaw.

Ranma?

Ranma?

Either you’re dead in a ditch or you’re going to be.

                                                                                               August 20th              .                                                                                           Orientation group 4     .                                                                                            Ryoga Hibiki

                                 An Experience That Changed My Life.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.

I’m in love.

Okay, okay, wait, here’s the punchline: She’s not my girlfriend. Or a friend. Or even my mom.

I just found out that I’ve never been in love before, not with any of those people. I fell in love two nights ago, when I woke up to someone screaming my roommate’s name.

It took me a second to wake up all the way, and for my brain to turn the sounds I was hearing into words, but then it was clear as day.

“Ranma Saotome! Ranma Saotome, I know you’re in there!”

I cranked the window open even further and stuck my head out to scream back, but then I saw her and I just…

She’s so beautiful. She was on the ledge where the hill behind my dorm starts. She stood straight, her fists clenched, shaking with anger. Her hair was cut sharp and short, and her eyes were huge in the strange light. Half blue moonlight, half disturbingly orange street lamp. The glow was unearthly. She was awesome—The old meaning of the word, beautiful and terrible and probably not to be touched, but magnetic all the same.

She paused for a second, then screamed

“RANMA SAOTOME!”

with her whole heart, and all her breath besides.

“He’s not here!” I yelled back.

“Shut up!” She took another breath, ready to scream all night for retribution, so I continued,

“I’m serious, he had a tournament. He won’t be here till orientation ends. He sent me an email about it. I’m his roommate.” It was probably a little garbled, because I don’t have the lung capacity that Akane does, but she understood me. She was quiet for a moment.

“Come in!” I yelled, “We can talk about it.”

“Shut up!” Someone screamed from a different floor.

“Okay!” She said, and she took off running. She was barefoot under her skirt and her legs were so long when she ran they shortened the ground beneath her.

I was watching her run when I remembered that I was in my boxers. I jumped back from the window, put on a light, turned on some pants, and hoped my room didn’t already reek of b.o.

Then she was in my room, and she was just as ethereal under the fluorescents as she had been outside. Her eyes slid from the bare mattress on one side of the room to my half. Not that there was much difference. White sheets, my yellow flannel pillow case that I’ve had since I was  ten, half of my key chain collection hanging over my desk and the tiny plastic replicas of the crown jewels. There were also a few postcards and the rest of my keychain collection piled on top of my desk, waiting to be hung up properly.

“I’m Ryoga Hibki,” I said, extending my hand to shake.

“Akane Tendo.” She said, and I found out that her hands had thick calluses on them. It was surprising when I had expected soft skin, but given the smoothness when she ran maybe I shouldn’t have.

“What do you need with Ranma?” I asked. I managed to lean casually against my desk and not slip and crack my head on a varnished corner and kill myself.

“He…” She paused, choosing her words carefully. “He and I have some history we need to sort out.”

My heart plummeted, then rose so quickly I felt dizzy. What did that mean? Was it good? For me? All I knew was that I had to say something similar if she asked about Akari. Lets say she somehow intuited that I currently had a girlfriend. Let’s say. But I won’t very very soon.

“So he put a tournament over orientation and got away with it.” She muttered. “Of course.”

“Well, it’s not like it takes much orienting.” I said, “Y’know, the dorms are here, the classrooms are over there, and the vending machine is down the hall. I figured it all out on my first day.” I puffed my chest up like that was an accomplishment, and she laughed, which actually was one.

“I know. All he’s really missing out on is having to write this dumb essay thing.” (I’m sorry if that offends you, but you said we should all be as honest as possible in these essays. Actually, if that’s true, I wonder if you’re going to have a stack of essays about how stupid these essays are. Not that I think they’re stupid, but that’s just the sort of smart-ass thing a bunch of college freshman would try to get away with).

Anyway, I’ll have to skim a bit, because she said some really personal things about her, and this guy, and the not-relationship they have, even though their parents seem to be bent on getting them together, and you said we weren’t supposed to write about someone else’s experience, so I’ll let Akane write about that in her essay if she wants.

But, even if I can’t tell you exactly what she said, I think I can tell you how she said it. How she enunciates the important words very clearly, how she wiggles her hips a little bit when she’s excited, and how we talked and talked and talked for so long I almost didn’t have the time to sit down and write an entirely new essay. Not that the original one was any good(it was about coming here, and how I’m really excited to be in one place for a whole four years, but that is an experience I hope to have, not one I already did, so I knew it was bullshit from the start), and maybe this one isn’t much better. I mean, it’s just about me falling in love. I’m sure this whole thing has been done to death, but goddamn.

I never got it, you know, the endless poems, and songs, and books about love. I suppose that’s proof right there that I was never in love. I didn’t see it that way at the time. I thought, ‘Sure, love’s great, but does everyone really need to be going on about it all the time?’, but now that I’m in it, I mean sunk so deep I feel weightless, I’ve found out that love is more than worth going on and on about. I mean, I don’t know how I can keep myself from just getting up in the middle of class and saying, “Hey, this Sandra Cisneros poem is great and all, but who wants to talk about how perfect Akane’s laugh is? Like, is there a scientifically provable better sound out there? And, if so, is it even worth tracking down?”

All those cheesy things they say about love, they’re true. And when you feel them down to your bones you find that they fill you up until everything you know about love just comes pouring out.

Face book, Ranma Saotme, Latest post:

A picture of a slushie larger and more red than anything humans were ever meant to ingest in one sitting, jammed into a car cupholder.

The caption above reads: Road trip=cheat day, right? ;p

Ranma’s phone——> Genma’s phone

Just got to school. Figured I might

as well head out.

                                                                        Glad you were so excited to see            

                                                                        Akane. But how am I supposed

                                                                        to get my car back?

Seen ✓

                                                                        What the fuck does that mean?

                                                                        Ranma, I want my car back.

Ryoga’s phone——-> Ranma’s phone

I dunno when you’re done with

the dean or whatever

But some guys are having a

party in our dorm. You know

the basement room?

                                                                    No, but I’m ready to party

Excellent.

CRAZY DRUNK FRESHMAN CAN DANCE AND DUEL??!!

A video clearly taken on a smart phone and simply thrown onto youtube, given the huge black margins. The footage is grainy, but not badly lit.

It’s hard to tell if the room is a basement or a living room, given the concrete floors. It sure looks like a house party, though, young people milling around with red cups, someone laughing obnoxiously loud just off camera.

The music that was playing unobtrusively in the background suddenly blares into the foreground as the camera is trained on a desk covered in half eaten junk food.

“Oh shit!” Someone screams, “I know this one!”

Heads turn in the direction of the voice. The camera doesn’t.

A guy lands on the cluttered table. You don’t see him leap, just land. He’s debatably handsome, and clearly drunk, though he still manages to get down with considerable skill. A bit off balance, perhaps with more booty wiggles than a sober person would allow themselves, but the boy can dance.

People are starting to crowd around the makeshift stage, and the camera is hiked higher.

“Hey!” The guy yells, breaking out of his dancing reverie to single out someone not visible from this far back. “Come on, dance with me!” He slides out of view, but a second later he jumps back onto the table, carrying a girl princess-style. She’s wearing a conservatively cut red velvet dress, like she’s at her cousin’s Christmas recital or something, but she looks appropriately confused at this sudden turn of events.

The guy sets her down on the table and starts dancing around her. Not like a bird doing a mating dance, but more like she’s a pole. A pole he finds very attractive. Hoots and whistles emanate from the crowd. The camera is jostled, and for a second whoever is holding it turns and we can see someone with a long brown ponytail and a grin taking up their entire face.

“Send me a copy of this!” They yell. “That asshole’s my ex!”

“Oh, okay,” Says our cameraman. They focus on this person for another second as they laugh, before remembering what they were supposed to be doing and the camera swings back to the main attraction.

The girl on the table has gone bright red, and seems to be trying to distract herself from the fact that half of her class is watching a guy grind on her when she yells, “So what’s your name?”

He kisses her cheek and spins her around, before dropping to one knee, “Ranma Saotome!” He says, before taking her hand and kissing it, as though this is a proper introduction from another era.

“Kodachi!” Someone screams from the back of the room. This time when heads turn the camera follows. A man stands in the open door. He’s sober and wearing a nice button up, so he’s probably not a freshman. He marches toward the table, parting his underclassman like a green sea.

“Ranma Saotome!” He yells in Ranma’s face.

Ranma is still bent over Kodachi’s hand.

“That’s me!” He replies, with a shit eating grin.

The other man seethes for a moment. You can almost see steam rising off of him like a giant boar.

“Ranma Saotome, for besmirching my sisters honor, I, Tatewaki Kuno, shall duel you.”

“What, like, at dawn?”

Tatewaki reaches up and sweeps the girl, who, now that he mentions it, does share his dark, thick hair and elegant nose, down from the table. “At dawn it shall be. I look forward to seeing you on your knees.”

“I don’t swing that way, man.” Ranma says, smacking Tatewaki good naturedly on the back from his perch.

Tatewaki bristles. “You will be begging for mercy!” He goes back the way he came, stopping at the door to adjust his sister’s weight in his arms and announce, “You and I, at dawn, on the hill behind the science compound.”

“Can it be more like six am?” Someone in the crowd yells, and after a general murmur of agreement both men decide that six will be a better time.

“Six on the dot!” Tatewaki says, probably just so he has something to yell before sweeping out dramatically.

“See ya!” Ranma calls back with a cheery wave, ruining the effect.

The video cuts out.

A flimsy, spiral bound note book, with a little tulip on the front, and the words, “MY DIARY” in a faux-childish scrawl. It spends most nights under Kuno’s pillow. Not that he’s scared of his roommate-a brother in kendo-reading it, but he believes that if he sleeps with his transcribed thoughts near him someday his body and his mind and his heart may all line up and stop vexing him with different desires. It hasn’t worked yet, but it hasn’t messed his neck up either, so he keeps at it.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

Okay. Alright. I will remain calm. While this is not an auspicious start to this year, I am sure that all this can be cleared up before the end of the semester. Perhaps before September is out.

You recall, of course, how that vile creature, Ranma Saotome, assaulted my sister’s honor. So I challenged him to a duel in order to best defend it. A few students got into trouble for this sort of thing last year, but they were arguing over the Star Wars prequels, and I believe they had guns besides.

At any rate.

There we were, he and I, (and the expected crowd of onlookers) standing on the field that slopes down toward the science building, the mist rolling in, dawn greying the sky above us. It was quite a romantic setting, rather like the rolling moors of Scotland or Ireland—Wherever it is that they have rolling moors and mist in great abundance.

Nabiki Tendo was strutting around as though she had organized the event. Anything for money or attention, I suppose. That she never wishes to be an actress is a great blow to the industry (and likely robs many fine directors of one).

At any rate, there we were, my opponent and I, and he had come unarmed. Also, he was swaying rather strangely. There was no music, and he did not seem to have any headphones. It occurred to me that he may be suffering from over intoxication, but he had agreed to this duel, so it was entirely his problem if he was ill.

Still, I had not expected him to bring a weapon, so I tossed him my back up wood.

“My back up wood.” I explained as he stared quizzically at the sword he had just caught.

He turned his confused gaze to me. “As in, like, back up onto it?”

I wanted to spit at his crudity, but I am not an eye for an eye sort of man, so I managed to restrain myself.

“Draw your weapon!” I said.

He held his sword out as though he were far sighted and needed a better look at it.

“Alright!” Nabiki Tendo yelled. I shudder to recall how her voice rolled across the hill. She makes my skin crawl, and I’m sure she knows it. She winked at me. I wonder if she chalked my shivering up to the mist.

“Gentlemen, you will stand with your backs pressed against each other,” Saotome made a remark related to his earlier statement about my sword that does not bear repeating, “Walk five paces, turn, and draw.” She damned me with her smile once again. “Just to keep things equal. Alright, boys?”

It was not equal, I will say that right now. I knew that my opponent was not classically trained, but I had not expected him to throw his sword at me! I deflected it, of course, but then it was his whole body that was hurtling toward me. I was shocked that I was immediately on the defensive, but I did not intend to remain there. I not only dodged, but managed to spin him with a slight blow which knocked him much further off balance than it might a sober opponent.

He retaliated and almost wrenched the sword from my hands by bouncing off of it, but I got in an uppercut that must have bruised one of his thighs, and I would have done much worse… Oh, he should tremble at night at the thought of what I may have done to him!

But that was when I heard screaming, and the crowd watching us dispersed. It took me a moment to understand just what was happening, but then I caught sight of the back of Nabiki Tendo’s head, and, though I am not a sailor, I too understand what it means when rats flee a ship.

Now, I am a man of honor, but I am also a man who doesn’t want an expulsion on my record. I ran into the green house that adjoins the science building, wiggled through the doggy door that would get me into the science building proper, and hid in the room where they’ve been doing laser experiments. A perfectly honorable way to flee, I assure you.

At any rate, though I wish I had given Saotome an real injury to consider rather than merely the threat of one, I feel safe that my sister’s honor was as protected as it could be under the circumstances.

Kodachi’s Journal:

My darling.

Forgive me

The vile things done in the name of my honor,

I assure you my honor was not bruised, nor even beset.

The purity my brother imagines of me is not of my design.

Though,

I admit.

Never before your hands

and thighs

and rock hard ass

has another man’s touched me as yours did.

I know you will understand when I explain it to you.

I hear you did admirably in my name

Perhaps you have grasped my feelings already

We share a link unbound by the laws of time and space.

In fact, as I fell asleep last night,

I could hear your name in my chest rather than a beat.

Ran-ma

Ran-ma

Ran-ma

Now my life begins.

[rhuemis]

13

13. Introduce your current party.

hoo boy so we got: 

-Scales

-Rhys

-Jeckyl

-Isiah

imma put the lengthy descriptions under a read more aha

Scales ((I dont think Scales even has a surname lmfao)):

-Warlock but insists that hes the party medic

-A white dragonborn that was born without scales due to a birth defect who has more than a few screws lose, calls himself a ‘doctor’ and we cant quite tell whether thats the truth or not

-Grew up in a brothel and now travels with the party to gain ‘medical knowledge’ whatever that means

-Has dissected the corpse of a literal god, harvests organs from whatever we kill and puts them all into bottles and then offers to transplant them into you if you get even remotely injured 

-Is already mildly possessed but then ate some of the tentacles from a weird squid god for fun and then got DOUBLE possessed and tentacles shot out of his mouth and we had to drag him to a temple 

-Something burst out of his chest one morning and now its his familiar. We were all stood at the door to his room like ‘This is Scales, this could just be part of his morning routine for all we know.’

- Speaks with a heavy German accent which makes anything Scales does like 4000 times better

-Isiah has literally promised his corpse to Scales

- Despite his quirks is protective of his party and deserves a pat on the snoot every so often

 Rhys Lignius

- Half-elf sorcerer that currently has more levels in warlock than sorcerer

- hes the mom friend of the group and is a pretty serious guy, hes the one who gets shit done but not before he monologues so hard that the rest of us party members say ‘oh fuck no im not listening to Rhys’ spiel again’

-Came from a very important family and is very proud of his Latian heritage, doesnt let you forget that hes a big fuckin deal lmao hes on a mission to do something in relation to his father but hes not quite spilled on exactly what yet, hes just trying to get to some ancient ruins

- Is so much of an actual loser that whenever he casts Prestidigitation he clicks his fingers and the whole party has started doing it back at him jokingly

-Despite being a square we all love him and hes probably the most reliable in the group. Lawful Good™.

-Flavours my bacon.

-Is the metaphorical designated driver of the party, cleans up after us shit monkeys.

-Is physically around 22 years old but might as well be 55 years old.

Jeckyl Corvus:

- Newest party member, a half-elf rogue that keeps getting cockblocked from actually stealing anything

-Wrote a really intense anonymous love letter to my character and slid it under his room door at a tavern a few years before the campaign started after watching him perform and recognises Isiah but Isiah doesnt realise it was him who wrote the letter yet

-Spent some time in gay baby jail for being part of a group of thieves that got bamboozled by a rich and powerful family and was abandoned by the people he thought of as family.

-Wanted to be a tailor in the years before his taste for adventuring kicked him in the nards. He ended leaving his family to go and explore but this decision ultimately ended up with his family being stripped of everything they had so now hes plagued by The Guilt™. Wants to eventually save/steal enough money to get his family back on it’s feet again.

-Rugged and handsome but the most important thing you need to know about Jeckyl is that he keeps a pet mouse in his pocket named Rupert and that one day Jeckyl wants to fucking transmute him into an owl or some shit because he just cannot be satisfied huh. ‘Oh Rupert was my only friend whilst I was living on the streets blah blah blah’ yeah sure tell that to his face whilst you go fuckin Fullmetal Alchemist on his ass. Love Rupert for the contents of his character, not his form smh.

-Acts suave and cool but loses all of that composure when it comes to Isiah. Would probably commit sepukku if Isiah died. 

-Has a lot of knives, which Scales finds ‘respectable’. 

-First combat fuckin crits the fish plant man that had Isiah grappled 15ft underwater out of sheer gay panic. RIP Shape of Water fish man, you’ll be sorely missed.

Isiah Vakalyn:

-My character so you know hes....really something. Half-elf bard.

-Comes from a weirdly strict family who were actually fucking cultists and were ((and probably still are)) planning on sacrificing him to a demon or some shit but Isiah didnt even notice this shit and still has no idea. He thought everybody was taught Infernal and that families were just like that. His family told him to become a bard and he obeyed. They told him study and he obeyed. They limited his interaction to the outside world and he only really started thinking for himself after he made his first proper friend who then also later fucked him over real bad.

-Ran away from home after being cucked by his “only friend” into maybe murdering her dad we dunno if he died or not but I sure did stab him a lot. She lied and told him she was being abused by her dad and Isiah saw red and agreed to her murder plot only to be abandoned midway through. He also pickpocketed for her for like a year beforehand bc she said she was poor. She was very not poor. Bring on the subsequent trust issues.

-Is a bard but hates getting attention so he wears a black rabbit mask when he performs in front anything that isnt a small crowd. He found that mask in his house so you know thats gonna be some spooky cult shit.

- Is only 5′4 and is very conscious of it. Luckily the party is very understanding and calls him ‘the halfling’ or ‘the midget’ lovingly to watch him implode.

-Once accidentally stole a dwarven baby. Named it Isiah jr.

-Has a pet eel named Illius who is the most fuckin talented eel you’ll ever find. He glows! He talks! He beats your ass at card games! Translates languages! We found him behind a door that was sealed by magic and was only opened after Isiah played the music notes on the map we found. Those notes were an exert of a song by the most famous of all bards, Rickus Astelyus. Lo and behold behind the door was a huge tanks with a heckin good boy inside and Isiah adopted him IMMEDIATELY. Loves bacon bits and scritches.

-Received an anonymous love letter a few years back that gives him major anxiety and literally avoids the city he got it from. RIP Jeckyl youre gonna have to talk to him about that, Isiah is oblivious and has no idea lmao.

- Loves to eat bacon and recently bought out the bacon from the local tavern. Feeds some to Illius because its what he deserves. He’s also currently carrying a fuckton of bread, cheese, jam, and flour. Food is practically his way of diplomacy as he gives some to whoever he meets. It’s almost like his way of nervous self-defence. When tentacles shot out of Scale’s mouth Isiah just started shovelling bread into the tentacles and Scales woke up feeling incredibly full lmao.

-Has also in his inventory: a gay erotica book, a romance novel in a language he cant read, a rainbow slinkie, a magic mood ring that gives him poison resistance, 6 wolf teeth, a wolf leg bone, some gems, 4 days worth of rations on top of all the food he already has, a violin, a flute, and a fancy lute that he found in Illius’ chamber.

-Hes just nervous but loud mouthed and contradicts himself a lot. Anxious and eccentric. Says that hes just a bard and wasnt meant for any kind of greater scheme but the universe has other plans.

-Was once dabbed at by the god of entertainment, Apollon. ((Apollon is the only god Isiah really cares about lmao)).

and despite him not being in the party anymore im gonna give honorary mention to my favourite skyrim-glitch-of-a-barbarian, Florys:

-Was the character of a guy who played with us for one session. At the beginning of the next session he was on webcam with us all and we were about to start playing when suddenly his camera cut out and he went offline and weve literally not seen from him since. He’s not been online in over a month now. Some common theories in our group is that hes off fighting ISIS or got arrested for weed right there and then.

-Due to this weird player disappearance our DM, Benjamin, had to take control of Florys whilst we looked for a new party member. In the session that the player disappeared from we didnt know if he was gonna come back or not so Benjamin had Florys suddenly contract a horrific stomach bug and was just in the tavern toilet presumably making a fuckin hole in the floor with the noise it apparently made lmfao Isiah actually had to try and play music over the top of Florys’ shitfest at one point and only just managed to drown the sound out. But as time went by days were eventually passing in the campaign and the player still hadnt come back so poor Florys was not having a great time in the bathroom for several DAYS.

-Eventually the DM realised that this player was not gonna come back and that the party was short on a tank so he started piloting Florys for a while to accompany us on our quest ((and miraculously recovering from his terrifying stomach illness)) but hed forgotten how the player said Florys was so just was making shit up on the fly. I specifically remember the original player of Florys saying ‘Oh Florys isn’t like those stereotypical dumb barbarians’ which is why I lost my shit when the Florys being piloted by the DM turned around and said ‘What the fuck is a triangle?’ ... Florys is practically brain-damaged at this point, I think it might be the DMs retribution for the player disappearing lmao

-Threw all of his hand axes into a river during one fight and then into a cieling the next, which provoked Isiah to jokingly call out: ‘Oh, Florys! You’re so handsome and cool!’ which Florys with his last 2 braincells took seriously. The handsome and cool line became an on-running meme and gets used whenever any of us fucks up lmao

-For some reason grew rlly attached to a piano he found in Illius’ chamber and carried it around with him out of two parts stubborness two parts piano LUST.

-We ended up using him as a mule to carry all of our heavy shit bc he’d just do it and he literally wouldn’t think anything of it.

-We found a giant birds nest and Florys for some reason picked it up and carried it away and got fucking kidnapped by a giant bird so now hes literally just in fucking sky somewhere sat in a birds nest and being flown around which is wild bc we expected the DM to just kill Florys but instead hes just in the fucking sky where he belongs. Like legit hes just sat in there. Hes just in the sky. Godspeed.

HEAVES I could write so much more but this is already incredibly lengthy so here take it

also @redthebattler idk if any of this would be interesting to you lmao