#disclaimer it might be slightly off i'm still learning

[gege]

230902 | My Journey to You Mud Pit BTS

[katuschka]

Touch Starved Pups – One

Jake Kiszka x f!Reader x Josh Kiszka 4.011 words

Welcome to Part One of the story about what happens to two well-behaved, bored and horny romantics when a new feisty, worldly and hot social media manager enters the building...

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction, intended for adult readers. Any resemblance to real persons is purely coincidental. Also, if you're under 18, go find some other entertainment elsewhere.

Warnings (are spoilers): expressive language, promiscuous behaviour, unprotected sex (or still rather just allusions to it , just setting the scene...), oral sex, handjob, kissing, twinfight, fistfight, angst, mockery, consensual teasing game that's borderline exploitative, slightly toxic behaviour...so, to sum it up, this is pure rock&roll filth, folks.

Also, if you like the story and want to get notifications for future updates, you can join the Taglist or see the Masterlist

Hooked? Read Part Two.

I know who I am when I'm alone

I'm something else when I see you

You don't understand, you should never know

How easy you are to need

Don't let me in with no intention to keep me

Jesus Christ, don't be kind to me

Honey, don't feed me, I will come back

Walking down the photo pit after all the other photographers cleared off is my favorite part of the day. Or night, to be more precise. That’s when I shine: strutting along, ready to capture all those best moments that make all you bitches go feral during AND after the show. This is my queendom. I make content for you lot. And I’m damn good at it.

How do I know that? The numbers just skyrocketed after I joined the team. Ka ching! All those poor things that came before me had no idea how to do their job. Tried to do some lifeless artsy shit that might be good for booklets and collectors’ crap that only collects dust, but not followers. They listened to what the band and their management wanted, but that’s not how it’s done. Nuh uh. I listen to you, my dudes. Your screeches, howls and cries. Some say that you’re crazy, but I know better. I’m here to observe what drives you crazy, and then I shall stir it up even more. When it comes to online content, the only thing that matters is what YOU want.

Make no mistake, I create art too. The crucial difference is that it’s not shit. Socials need candid eye candy and I’m here to provide it. 

I gotta admit, they make my job quite easy. All four of them do, but the twins are human masterpieces. Born pretty, they gradually learned that they could monetize it just as much as their respective talents. I didn’t need to come up with a strategy; it’s always been there for the taking. The fact that my predecessors have been mostly ignoring this is a mind-boggling mystery to me. Those guys know for sure that they ruin your panties. I just needed to know how.

So I rolled up my sleeves and went down to the barricade to do my research. Marketing’s no rocket science. Veni, vidi, vici. I just looked at them through your eyes and your own photos, and let me tell you – you bitches aren’t crazy, you are right! Yeah, I saw it too. And I get it. Some people in the team wanna keep pretending that it’s all about the music – which is surprisingly good, by the way – but that’s not what makes you sleep in the dirt and sit on a curb for days, and then again…and again. Those sons of bitches basically fuck on stage, looking very tasty while doing so. Especially Frodo and Patchybeard. Whether it’s a guitar, a mic stand or just plain air – they just shag it! Y’all look like you can feel it, and they’re very well aware. It strokes their egos, so they just keep adding fuel to the fire. The first time I saw that, I just stood there with my mouth wide open and just laughed, and laughed, and laughed. It was a fucking orgy! And then, when it was time to walk into their bright conference room and pretend to do some serious business for a change, I put on my super serious and super professional face, and I told them what needed to be done. 

Let’s just take your usual fangirl stuff and make it official. Sorry, not sorry. You crave it, so what. I keep the Facebook page artsy and businesslike for those gramps and music snobs that would go batshit crazy if they saw any more pictures with sweaty “jummies”, sparkling dicks and marshmallow balls; but anywhere else, it’s a party. 

Some of you keep wondering why they behave like such frenzied horndogs all the time. My lovelies, the explanation is pretty simple. It’s because they are! You wanna know if they are like that in real life? Yes, the answer is yes! It’s good for the show, sure thing, and they’re both true born professionals creating a breathtaking spectacle. “It’s all for you, bla bla bla!” But the truth is that they’re naturals, not really much different offstage. Lusty, filthy, bad. 

Just kidding. They’re sweethearts. Lust-driven, whiny pups that want to be played with. When the show is over, they both follow me backstage like the good boys that they are, wagging their tails at me enthusiastically. 

Ooops, what did I just say? Lemme put my fingers to my mouth and giggle like a coy lady that I’m not. Some of you already suspect it anyway, and it was collectively decided that you should hate me with passion. I guess now I’m famous, too. D’oh!

So, yeah… When I said that it was there for the taking, I forgot to mention that I also wanted to take it. Life on tour is lonely and stressful. I’m not immune to that either. Sex helps. That’s why the rockstars of yore kept fucking everything that dared to come close while they were all high as a kite. Because why not…well, apart from the fact that unlike good sex, drugs actually ruin lives. No, I’m not a fan. 

Times have changed and today’s musicians – and I’m not talking about all those wannabes with backing tracks – really need to work hard to earn their bread.They’re self-aware and sober (Take that with a pinch of salt…they’re sober while actually working.). Often homesick. Sure, some of them are still jerks or junkies. Or both. Not a fan of these either. I worked with some and it was a nightmare. 

But, when I joined the Greta Van Fleet team, I found a bunch of down-to-earth and touch starved homeboys, well aware of their power but hesitant to act upon it. That’s the difference between having a huge dick and being one. They’re – and now let me let out a sob or two for the dramatic effect – gentlemen! 

You know what a sweetheart with a huge dick is? That’s your dream come true. Believe me. That’s just something you want. I certainly did.

Not from the start, though. No. They treat the crew like friends and family, and as much as that was certainly a pleasant change, I wavered initially. They were all so kind and gentlemanly that I just decided to keep my friendly distance, thinking they really were such mama’s boys that they appeared to be…The impression didn’t last long. Soon I heard them making jokes and lewd comments when they thought no one was listening. Some of those comments were about my bouncy ass, too. 

Men, am I right? 

Alas, sweethearts’ dicks are still just dicks, and neglect will gradually take its toll. I could see right through their nervous ticks. 

Jake was the first one that fell into my snares. I didn’t really pursue it; I’m not a monster. Like I said, we were lonely and stressed, and so it just happened one fine day. He craved human contact, and I was there. Life is complicated, but certain things are still pretty simple. Thank god, or whatever supernatural entity you believe in. 

It was a lovely evening in his 2-storey hotel apartment. He often got those, because the others had this habit of gathering together in his room to discuss business – since it was his band – and to get shitfaced in the process. 

We were both sitting cross legged on his bed, both already pleasantly booze-soaked and shrouded in semi-darkness, the only source of light being the dimmed lamps in the main room. I had been giving him a lecture on the importance of a good online presence that evening. Or at least I was trying to do that… When the others got a bit too rowdy, we retreated to his bedroom to have some privacy.

When it comes to online shit, Jake’s the most difficult one. He doesn’t like it. Plain and simple. He had created this cute mask of a smooth and aloof poet slash ancient adventurer, behind which he hides, but you bitches don’t like that. You like watching him talking to his SG in front of thousands like she’s his obedient whore. See, there’s a certain discrepancy in that. I kinda understood where it was coming from, him being in his element onstage and all that shit, but I also needed him to understand my point.

And it was tough. He’s complicated. He likes to pretend to be a tough, mysterious guy, but deep down he’s just a shy and wide-eyed fawn that bounces when you say “boo”. Not always, mind. I learned that  the hard way once when I was leaving his room with scarlet imprints of his fingers on my thighs. However, drunk Jake is a meek and needy cutiepie. I could definitely use it to my advantage. So I poured us more drinks. 

“I dunno, s’not really me,” he countered after I tried to explain one more time. 

I showed him another one of the most recent videos. “Are you telling me this is not you?”

I grew really fond of his quiet “hahaha” every time he felt discomfited and flattered at the same time. Just like now. Stroking his chin with his finger, he shifted nervously and continued: “Well, yeah…uuum…you like this?” 

That was the moment when I knew I had him firmly in my grasp. Yeah, Jakey, I reeeeally like it. Let me just show you how much.

I seized my chance. We laughed and joked and flirted and all that shit. Talking about his desirable body parts that y’all take snapshots of soon turned to physical manifestations and before we knew it, his fly was open, his fat cock hard and out and firmly in my hand. I brushed my thumb gently over his pink and already leaking head before I wrapped my fingers around his shaft once again and started pumping him slowly. He just sat there and watched me with his lips parted, both mesmerized and taken aback by how quickly things escalated. I returned his stare, looking him firmly in the eye while I quickened my pace, and his breathy exhales turned to full-fledged, loud moans. I tried to shush him by forcing my other thumb in his mouth… and that only made it worse. There were still other people in the adjacent room and the door was open, but he just wouldn’t shut up! I had to grab his chin and stick my tongue in his mouth to keep him quiet. 

That sobered him up a bit. He didn’t want me to stop, he just wanted to regain control. Our tongues wrestled for a few seconds before he grabbed my cheeks and returned the kiss in such a manner that made my pussy spasm. I liked that, and we continued like that until he came all over my fingers a few minutes later. Thankfully, someone put some music on in the other room and it muffled his moans a bit, because my mouth could no longer contain them. He howled in it. It was hot.

You know, I’ve had the misfortune to cross paths with assholes who’d just throw me out after that, both satisfied and ashamed that my skills made them finish so quickly and unceremoniously, without fanfare and praises. Not Jake. He had to reciprocate AND prove himself at the same time. He’s vain, but in a good, gentlemanly way. 

After everyone else left, he just fucked my brains out. It surprised me how much he wanted to kiss, and not just my lips (either kind). His tongue was running marathons all over my body, and if I remember it correctly, I think I came five times that night. Not my record, but still a very impressive first-time. 

After that, he just kept crawling back to me, stopping me in empty hallways just to whisper obscene poems about my hungry pussy in my ear. Talking about how he’d feed me. 

He’s a sly one: the kind of a man that would run his fingertips gently down your spine in a room full of other people, while talking casually about fucking you raw, only for you to hear. I mean, that’s exactly what he did once or twice. I’m sure our “conversations” always looked completely innocent from a distance, with only Josh sometimes watching us with his lips pursed. Sometimes his eyes even narrowed a bit. That feisty chipmunk knew from the very start, and I thought I could spot jealousy in that piercing stare of his. I enjoyed that, just as much as Jake enjoyed making me wet in public, and calling it “retribution”. Honestly, I didn’t mind. Punish me as much as you want, baby, and keep using all those fancy words while doing so. Yeah. 

I’m a born provocateur, so I often just asked for more. Every time I saw him start licking his lips absentmindedly, I struck. In the end, it was always him who had to calm down, to keep it cool…to hide his hard dick. 

We both loved it. It was our little fight for dominance. We teased each other and then there would be a reward. 

It was a bit different with Josh. He’s a lover, not a fighter. He doesn’t need to fight for dominance and so he often rejects that role voluntarily.

At first I thought he wouldn’t be interested at all, even though his grabby hands landed on my bare skin more often than some would deem comfortable. But he’s like that with everyone! Including Bob, the chalice filler. It often doesn’t mean a thing. 

I knew it meant something when he almost grabbed my ass once. I tried to experiment with the same strategy I once used on Jake: using his own weapons against him, making him cross the friendly line.

It happened during a soundcheck while I was showing him a preview of my next scheduled post. His weapon was right there, on full display, and I further accentuated it by a subtle, punny caption. It made him giggle and I winked at him. 

“So, you okay with this? I mean, it’s all over the internet anyway…”

“Dear sparrow, if I weren’t okay with this, you wouldn’t be able to take such a lovely picture of it.” His hand first landed on the small of my back familiarly, just like it always did, and as we talked about other pictures in the carousel, I felt his fingers move even lower until the tip of his pinkie slid under the hem of my pants. I cleared my throat ostentatiously and he drew his hand away quickly as if I had burned him. 

“You know, I should report you for harassment for this,” I said matter-of-factly, still looking at the screen, trying to look both cool and unphased, but the twitch in the corner of my mouth gave me away. A true master of reading such subtleties, he slapped his fingers with his other hand and grinned at me. “Naughty me. Can’t blame me. You just smell so nice, sparrow. What is that?” 

“Hypnotic Poison.”

“Right…” He licked his teeth in a vain attempt not to grin even more. To be hundred percent sure, he still asked me if I wasn’t mad. Sure I wasn’t. I had been waiting for this. 

We parted after that, minding our respective businesses, but all those fleeting glances he cast my way during the rest of the afternoon didn’t escape my attention. Later, just before the show, he cornered me in the bathroom, startling me. I almost poked my eye out with a mascara when I noticed him standing right behind me. “Jesus Fucking Christ on a stick, Josh!”

“Yeah, I’m all that.” It was obvious he wasn’t there to take a leak as he kept watching me watch him in the reflection and his eyes grew darker. I slowly turned around and ran my finger down the hem of his low neckline, even more slowly. Tentatively, almost. Never breaking eye contact and with his lips slightly parted, he let me go lower until I reached the zipper head and tugged at it playfully. 

“Black velvet really suits you, you know?” I teased.

“Yeah, I know.” 

Cheeky brat. You wanna play, baby? Let me show you how it’s done. I slipped the tips of my fingers under the hem of his cleavage until I found his left nipple and started running circles over it with my middle finger. His breath hitched and his eyes widened before he seemingly regained his composure and flashed me a sly smile. 

“So…ummm…you and Jake are…exclusive?”

“Wow, you’re pretty straightforward,” I laughed. “No, we’re not. Just having some fun. Why?” 

Why, indeed. He made it pretty clear why, and I let my tongue give him the answer he desired. After the show that very night, he knocked on my door with a shy smile plastered on his face after I opened it. I welcomed him in.

Josh never fought me. He always presented himself on a silver platter and let me do whatever I pleased. Then he repaid me when the payment was due. My initial impression of him being a pillow princess wasn’t completely off, but my god! The man can fuck! Never try to piss him off. Or you know what? DO try to piss him off, because it turns him to a jackhammer. 

I once called him a sissy and the wrath that poured down on me afterwards made me see stars. 

So that’s how it went. They both knew what was happening behind closed doors with the other one, and both were ok with that, as long as it didn’t interfere with their own plans. And that was just a matter of time. 

To tell you the truth, I did wonder what it would be like to have them both, so when the opportunity presented itself, I would be a fool not to encourage it. 

Every once in a while, there are shows where shit just happens and everything that can go wrong, does do wrong. It was one of those nights. Even back at the venue, right after the show, I saw how both their faces were twisted with tension, and maybe the best way to avoid even more trouble would have been to avoid them altogether. They weren’t the only people who had a rough night. I was exhausted, too. If I were a bit more responsible, I would have settled for a nice hot bath and a filthy book, but sadly, I’m a people pleaser. Also, nothing can calm me down better than the smell of male skin.

It was long past midnight when I heard a knock on my door. 

“It’s me, Bebe. Please, let me in.” 

That’s right. He gave me that nickname shortly after we started fucking, even though I teased him that he would never beat those allegation that way. 

If you guessed that I indeed did open the door, you’re right. He didn’t even wait for the invitation to enter this time. The stress was doing us no good. I could smell even more troubleon the horizon, but I ignored it.

“Jake, you can’t just storm inside like this. What if I had company?” It was no use to argue with him. No longer sober to begin with, he was already making himself at home and pouring himself another drink. 

“Please, Bebe, stop teasing. I need you! I promise you won’t regret it.”

“Well, tough luck! Josh asked first.”

“Oh no, no no no! It’s my turn, baby! You can’t do this to me. Tonight was hell. Call him and tell him that you’re mine.” I shot him a sharp look, so he added quickly: “... for the night. ” Well, that only made it worse. 

Funny how quickly they got accustomed to the fact that I was just within reach. I would have been offended if I weren’t aware of how insolently I played with them too. Still, I should have said no, but I’m just human. 

However, the whole situation was already a bit more complicated than that. “I can’t. He’s already here.” 

Jake cast me a confused look before he smiled sympathetically at my feeble attempt to get rid of him. “Where? Hiding in the closet?”

“No, he’s in the shower.”

He just stood there for a short while, contemplating something, before he grabbed my cheeks with both hands and whispered sultrily: “Please, love, just a blowjob then. Your mouth can do wonders, baby. I beg you.” Noticing that I wavered, he bent closer to whisper in my ear: “You can ride my face anytime you want. You know that.”

Again, I should have said no, but the said mouth already started watering when I noticed the rapidly growing bulge. Mentally, he was already hitting my tonsils. I was on my knees in seconds. I knew Josh usually took his time, so maybe it was manageable. And if not…well, surely there was a way to benefit from the hypothetical pickle, should it happen.

And it happened. I was deepthroating him with both his hands holding my head and his head tilted back, when we heard the door open.

“Jesus fuck, Jake!” 

The moment of surprise made me gag. Jake withdrew quickly and started tugging himself back in his pants, which wasn’t easy, given his current state. Josh, however, just stood there completely and unabashedly naked. “Get out!” he bellowed, completely forgetting that it was in fact MY room they were both in. 

“No,” Jake spat back.

They started barking at each other like berserk chihuahuas. I swear, I was seconds from throwing them BOTH out, dicks out and all. They could keep shouting at each other in the hall or even in the main lobby for all I cared, but the wicked creature in me wanted to see how this would escalate. And it escalated majestically. 

I hadn’t bothered to unpack my suitcase earlier that day. It just lay open on the floor with my purple vibrator placed haphazardly on top of my lingerie. Jake spotted it, bent down to retrieve it and before I could argue, he thrust it against Josh’s bare chest while his other hand patted his cheek: “Here, this should do. Now bugger off!” 

I think I stopped breathing for a second. They teased each other quite often, but this seemed downright mean, even to their standards. I think Jake realized it too, but it was too late. We both watched the flames that appeared behind Josh’s dilated pupils and before either of us could react, Josh started after him and pushed him against the wall. And so the party started. In a matter of mere seconds, Jake fist almost collided with Josh’s jaw. Thankfully, Frodo is quite nimble, so he ducked the blow and striked back, his knuckles colliding with Jake’s forearm. Watching them wrestle like that, fuming, limbs intertwined, I was almost sorry I had no popcorn at hand. It was a comical sight: Josh still completely naked, Jake barely tucked back in his jeans. 

Have you ever seen puppies fighting over a toy? That’s them. They were both so needy and neither one ready to give up. It was time to seize the opportunity, so I… started laughíng. Loudly and mockingly. They both let go of each other and turned their heads to the source of that offensive sound: me. 

I was sitting on the edge of my bed, leaning back on my arms and with my legs crossed, contemplating my next move. Realizing I had no panties under my punto tube dress, I decided to Basic Instinct them. Sure, nothing new, but men are simple creatures. A naked pussy is like the Moon they howl at. It’s always new. Moreover, the fact that they never saw me like this before together was surely a great bonding experience of its own. I watched their faces for more clues and grinned viciously when I saw exactly what I hoped for. See, they’re different in many ways including this. Jake licks his lips, while Josh clenches his jaw. I tutted at them, watching how they both raised their eyebrows in a silent question. 

“Guys! You both know very well that I got more than one hole.”

Hooked? Read Part Two.

@its-interesting-van-kleep @takenbythemadness @edgingthedarkness @writingcold @ignite-my-fire @jakekiszkasbuttsweat @fleet-of-fiction @lvnterninthenight @myownparadise96 @josh-iamyour-mama @jazzyfigz @sanguinebats @thewritingbeforesunrise @wetkleenex-gvf @lyndz2names @emojakekiszka @hollyco @lizzys-sunflower @fleetingjake @cheersdannyx2 @gvfstuddedmajesty @gvfmarge @dayumclarizzel @musicislove3389 @lipstickitty

[tranceinnumerabletabs]

When Johnny Comes Back Pt5

A/N: Posted this a little early since the winner was clear and I couldn't wait. Thank you all so much voting for this chapter! Or, just voting in general. Y'all the reason I post. Here's the final product! Enjoy being a drunk Batman

You do not need to read this chapter, it's got less relevance to the main plot and has less Johnny. So, it could be considered boring

Btw, @supermegabitchboyexceptimagirl , here's the chapter. with you tagged in as requested.

It's me, part one! the first child

I'm part two, I get the most hand me down

middle child pt three

part four, I'll miss being the baby

Disclaimer: Stalking

Previously:

Well, yeah you’re smart but you’d be lying if you said that you didn’t learn a thing or two from Johnny when you asked him about his job.

Now:

At first you didn’t think of it. Older men existing around you is no reason to be alarmed unless it’s a voting booth.

But then he appeared again, and again. And he always seemed to want to eavesdrop on your conversations. You caught him talking to Andrew. He called him Ross. Their conversation quieted when they saw that you were watching.

Then it escalated to ‘casual’ stalking, then he tried to find out where you lived. It…was awful. And you thought he wouldn’t follow you via car. You were wrong.

You were walking home from a girls night out slightly intoxicated. Your sober friend dropped you off nearby and you kiss her goodbye. She laughs and jokes that you’ve become a much more affectionate friend after meeting your roommate. If you were sober you’d frown at his mention but you just laugh. “Yeah…that ‘Sergeant’ is always so needy. Nothing like those films”

She tells you to get home safe and drives off. The road is swaying but it’ll do.

You walk towards your….mostly empty flat, getting ready to feel the severe lack of an annoying ass man child in the atmosphere and entitled angry cat screaming at you for daring to have a life outside serving him.

You focus on the semi-rhythmic pat pat pat pace of your barefooted walking, red stilettos in hand. Why did you wear those anyway?

Thud You imagine getting home, ignoring Simon’s food demands, and throwing up instead. Let him watch you vomit for a change. You lean on a wall for some stability. Maybe you should’ve drank less. Your mind felt fine but your body was swaying! You think.

thud

You want food, you think, still laying on the wall listening to your footsteps.

thud

And water

thud thud

….those aren’t your feet…..

Thud Thud

You turn too fast and stumble

Taptap thud thud thud

You straighten up to look at your pursuer and find no one. You keep walking

thud thud

Nothings there

thud thud thudthud

You turn faster and see a shadow duck away

shit.

you’re being followed

You look forward, your flat is close, but if you try to go there, he’ll know you live here. Yeah there’s a bunch of others but he can walk in, see where the elevator stops and know which floor, go to it and find your flat using your mailbox. And if he doesn’t come in, he could tell which flat was yours due to seeing light from the window when you turn them on. You could try keeping the lights off but he might follow you in the elevator and find out anyway. Sides you didn’t want to be drunk in the dark. You lean on the wall, looking behind you, trying hard to somehow immediately sober up and become Batman.

You think to what Johnny taught you as you watch out for the man

“Had tae take a different route Bonny! That’s why I took so long tae come back. Cannae have every bastard Ken where I am all the time. Never leave a straight trail. Try doin the same”

No, brain! That’s useless now! You’ll change your routes to places later.

“Try tae take videos of any lad ye dinnae like! I’ll take care o’ it”

Nope! Already did that with Milton and it’s too dark to do it with this guy.

“I Ken yer behind me Bonny. Cannae scare me.”

“How’d you know”

“I always check who’s behind me when looking though glass”

No. You already know who’s behind you! A bad man!

“-Was in a secure safe house. But the dust on one widow was slightly too clean for anyplace we’d be in. Looked closer, It was smudged dust. An’ the a chair was turned the wrong way. Knew right then and there it wasn’t secure.”

“How?”

“If it’s clear then someone must’ve been usin’ it. Went through the window instead and saved us all. Never give them a straight line tae follow”

“That doesn’t explain why you jumped though our window Johnny. There aren’t hostiles here other than Simon when he’s hungry”

“You dinnae Ken tha’! T-they could’ve noticed the lift’s number and found out which floor”

“yes I would have known. I noticed you. And you're telling me they'll notice elevator numbers but not a drunk scott crawling into an apartment?”

“……….aye…”

“Johnny.”

“…..I lost my keys.”

“Then Call me”

“An' my phone died”

“Knock?????”

“Nae. Dinnae wanted to wake ye up. Tis was faster this way”

“Johnny we’re on the fifth floor-“ !

!!!

💡

You got it! You got a plan! But it might be dumb…….

thud

After your suspicions have been confirmed by seeing a head poking out, you decide your plan wasn’t that dumb.

You ‘discretely’ order and Uber and keep stumbling to your flat, making sure to keep the volume of those footsteps low. Was your internet always this slow or did the inebriated anxiety slow time down?

Once you reach the building, you enter with one plan in mind:

survive

You walk towards the elevator and press it. You look towards the door and there’s a man in formal (as in like, office, not tuxedo) wear leaning by the door. If he follows you now you're fucked

DING!

You enter, press the highest floor and shut it. After it closes you hear the building door open harshly and footsteps walk toward the elevator as it goes up. You were right. You focus on not throwing up. Both from alcohol and fear. You focus on counting how long it takes to make it to this floor. Once your reach the top floor, you leave and you look back to look at what floor the elevator is in. It stays at the highest. Good. He’s not coming up.

Now to frame someone else.

You check how long it'll take for the uber to come before executing the next part of your plan....Yeah You're too drunk for math so you go off feeling.

Once you're satisfied with how close the uber was, You dash drunkenly to a random man’s apartment (the names are sometimes written on their mailbox) and bang the door loudly, ring the bell over and over, just overall being a ruckus. Sorry to whoever this ‘Dutch’ guy is but you’re gonna lead this guy right to him. He wakes up, the light turns on and you dash back to but not in the elevator to hide.

Dutch opens the door grumpy and looks around. He finds no one and starts to scold like an old man, saying things like “damn kids! Get off my property! This ain’t right” Till an older man tells him to “just leave it Dutch it’s not worth it.”

He closes the door and lights and you breathe a sigh of relief, almost forgetting your plan. You look at the elevator number, it’s on the ground floor.

He’s coming

You know that stairs are dangerous too, but what are the chances of two creeps? You have these stilettos and they don’t call it that for nothing (It's derived from an Italian word meaning knife). You go use the stairs and quietly go one floor down, holding on the rails for dear life.

You get to that floor and check the elevator number again, they just made it. You press the button to use it while they go bother the old guy with a western accent. You get back to the ground floor and wait your Uber filled with anxiety. You look to the building and see the lights on the highest floor open. You hope those old men are okay. (They’re fighting him for disturbance)

Now all that’s left it to communicate that you don’t live there. You need not to. From the window you see him looking at you. Looks like he forced his way in? You scowl and flip him off. He runs off from the window and your blood runs cold. You see the two men’s faces look at you. You can’t tell their expressions but they make “shoo shoo!” Hand gestures, making you panic more and stumble away.

Your Uber arrives and you hop in.

“Where to?”

“Drive!”

He’s shocked but does so. You look through the window to see that man walk out of the building. He’s out of view a moment later.

“Are you aright ma’am?

“Yes I’m fine.” You whimper, keeping an eye out for any signs of the stalker

.

.

.

“Got a place in mind?”

“Oh! Sorry. I’m drunk….a hotel…”

“Which?”

“…..”

“Hotel it is.”

.

.

“Sir?” You pipe up

“Yes ma’am?”

“You’re going slow. Speed up please?”

He opens the window

“Don’t throw up in my car” he speeds up fast.

“I’m fin-”

You throw up out the car But hey by the time you’re done you made it! And you’re slightly more sober.

“Thanks” you rasp out “I’ll tip you”

“Just don’t tip over on your way to bed. Goodnight”

You make it to the hotel and request a room telling them “if anyone asks. I was never here. Especially if it’s a guy”

One hasty payment later you’re safe in a hotel room. What a way to end the night. since when were you so clever while intoxicated? Good job Batman! and Thanks Johnny!

You look at your phone. 3% Great. Took too many videos apparently, either that or your phone recently just spontaneously decided to have shittier battery when you needed it most. Is it the company telling you to buy a new one? Ugh, thanks capitalism!

You lay in the bed and…just…sleep…sorry Simon but you wanna live. You can go a day without eating.

Shorter pt6

[blakeswritingimagines]

All is well, loves

Summary: Between losing a baby and the iron throne Rhaenyra and Daemon are lucky to you have same as your lucky to have them.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the House of The Dragon/Fire & Blood characters nor do I claim to own them. I do not own any of the images used nor do I claim to own them.

Word count: 2.6k

You had been up early in the morning choosing to busy yourself once ready for the day as you let Rhaenyra and Daemon rest for longer, helping the dark-haired princes with a smile as you listened to their plans for the day nodding along to what you viewed as your own children as well. Once Rhaenyra and Daemon woke up and joined everyone for breakfast you sent them both a wink and blew a small kiss waiting until the prayer was over and everyone to start eating to look over at Rhaenyra with a small smile knowing she might still be hurting different from Daemon "How are you doing love?".

Daemon first spoke "I'm fine." as Rhaenyra slightly shrugged her shoulder and spoke softly "I'm fine as well." Daemon rolled his eyes and spoke as he looked over at you "She lies." Rhaenyra shot a glare for such a blatant accusation but Daemon gave her a smirk before speaking once more. "She was up most of the night." Daemon looks towards Rhaenyra and grins. "I offered my assistance but she didn't want it." You smiled fondly as you looked between the two listening to them even if they acted like this you couldn't help but enjoy the two other halves of you, giving Daemon a certain look as you shook your head while speaking, "You don't have a gentle touch my love" Looking over at Rhaenyra as you tenderly took her hand into your own giving a comforting squeeze "None of us are fine right now but it's okay because we're here for each other and you know that...Right?."

"Of course." She answers. Despite her best attempts the blonde woman still wore a frown on her face. Daemon watched before he spoke "You need to lighten up." Rhaenyra rolled her eyes as she spoke with an icy tone "…And you need to shut up!" Rhaenyra's brow knit together as she let out a sigh. The rouge prince sighed "Oh, come off it will you. I don't know how you'll ever rule anything if you won't learn to control your emotions." You continued to hold Rhaenyra's hand as you both ate only to look up at both loves of your life before letting your jaw drop slightly at your husband as he spoke to your shared wife "Daemon", Giving him a look knowing none of you were okay after losing the baby but didn't want your lovers to shift into a dark place for it especially since more had been topped onto it in only so many days that passed "She controls herself just fine and she'll make an amazing ruler but we all still need to take time after what's happened*. Sighing as you nodded your once all three boys asked to leave as if they could feel the tension building but looked between your husband and wife "No duties will be met for the next few days we're going to simply rest and I'm going to take care of everything nor will I hear a word that either of you will do anything is that understood?".

Daemon sighs as he looks at you "Fine.. but not for too long.." Rhaenyra looks to you in appreciation and nods her head in agreement. Daemon glares at Rhaenyra. In truth Daemon is annoyed that he had to agree with her and that she had agreed with you. Daemon speaks up again, now speaking to Rhaenyra. "I won't be doing nothing all day. I have things to take care of."

Leaning in close as you gave Rhaenyra a gentle kiss on the lips happy to hear the agreement from the blonde ruler since you knew she still felt the toll of losing a child, listening to Daemon as you shook your head while the servants started to clean the table as you stood up from your seat and walked over starting to massage his shoulders leaning close to his ear whispering softly as you placed soft kisses on his jaw "Much like taking care of yourselves...won't you do this for me? let me take care of you and our darling wife?".

Daemon let out a small moan as you whispered in his ear and kissed his jaw. Your touching alone sends his spirits to the sky. Daemon puts his arms around your neck, moving his chin so he can kiss you. When you both break apart Daemon smiles. "I don't have to be told twice. I'd do anything for you." Rhaenyra watches the affection displayed by the two, rolling her eyes when Daemon puts his arm around you.

You smiled at his words and lightly nodded your head as you kissed his cheek "Thank you love" Leaning into his touch as you looked over at Rhaenyra and smiled as you gently cupped the woman's face in your hand, raising a brow not knowing how to best help your husband and wife but knew you couldn't act as if nothing had happened letting the loves of your life continue on especially when you started to notice them pull away more and more or heard the things they would say to each other.

Daemon had a small smile on his face and said "Come on, let's go to bed." Rhaenyra sighed as she got up from her seat speaking toward him "You won't be trying your luck tonight." Daemon sighs, rolling his eyes, turning to you to see if you'd let him get away with something. "Please?" Rhaenyra looks to you as well, seeing if you'd do Daemon any favors. You watched on as the two blondes moved closer together even if it was a little tense but smiled as you stepped closer to Daemon and placed your hand on his chest "Nyra is still recuperating but I'll take care of you later", Leaning close as you pressed your lips against his gently and whispered into his ear "Just be gentle with her for right now my love" Kissing Rhaenyra tenderly on the lips as well and gave her a smile knowing she wouldn't push to much "You can give affection even if just a little bit can't you?".

Daemon moans into your lips as you kiss him. When you pull away Daemon looks frustrated and speaks softly."Fine… I'll take care of myself tonight." Daemon goes to grab Rhaenyra's arm, pulling her close. Before Daemon can even speak Rhaenyra shoots him a look. Their words and glares get increasingly heated until they're yelling at each other again. Daemon tries to touch Rhaenyra and she slaps his hand away. Your eyes widen watching on while the two now fought only to sigh as you stepped closer to Rhaenyra and wrap your arms around the blonde "Alright the both of you", Looking between them both until your eyes settled on the rightful heir and kissed her cheek a few times before looking into her eyes "It's time to relax now, I'll have the servants get a bath going and I'll take care of you okay?". Looking at Daemon as you gently took hold of one of his hands and pulled him closer to the two and looked up at him "I'll take care of you but later, right now I just want to see you relaxed as well."

"If I have to wait that long…" Daemon spoke as he tried to pull Rhaenyra closer but she resisted his attempts "Fine. Fine. I'll relax. For now." Daemon finally looks at Rhaenyra and smiles. "I'll keep my hands to myself." Rhaenyra finally gives in and allows Daemon to pull her close, "Alright… I'll relax.. for now." You smiled as they both finally gave in and watched as they held on to each other like you all had been grabbing at each other as if none of you knew what to do without the others, nodding your head as you spoke to a few servants to go get a bath going before you started dragging the two of them back to the private chambers you all shared "Good because none of us are going to get better or anything done if we keep this up."

Once back inside the room that the trio shared Daemon immediately heads to the washroom and starts stripping. When finished he walks out to Rhaenyra who is also stripping. Daemon smiles at his wife, putting his arms around her waist. Rhaenyra leans back into Daemon's arms, smiling as she wraps her arms around him. As the two embrace Daemon spoke up again. "Is Y/N coming? She promised to take care of us.." Daemon whispered to Rhaenyra.

You had the two go into the room first as you spoke with a servant letting them know that unless it was about the boys or something that absolutely needed attention to not bother any of you, making your way to where your two now bare lovers stood and stopped in your tracks as you took in the tender moment they were sharing before you let your voice be heard "Alright you two in the bath it's time to relax."

Both Rhaenyra and Daemon groan. Daemon looks behind him to see you and rolls his eyes as he says "Oh come on, can't we just put the bath off for later?" Daemon tries to caress Rhaenyra's rear but she dodges his reach. "Alright, alright. We're going." Rhaenyra softly spoke as she started to strip the last bit of her clothes off, leaving her naked. Daemon's eyebrows rise as he looks at his wife, his expression changing to delight the moment he sees her nude. He then looks back at you, who hopefully doesn't notice anything. Daemon smiles and follows you both into the bath. Once inside Daemon whispers up to you. "Should I tell her she looks good naked?"

Smiling to yourself as you moved closer to the two choosing to pamper them yourself as you wanted everything to be easy and gentle right now, rolling your eyes as you listened to Daemon but knew it was his own special way to compliment Rhaenyra and yourself but nodded your head as you whispered back to him "Find a sweeter way to tell her but yes I think that would be nice". Gently started to wash them both letting her hands glide across their pale skin easing the tension in their bodies while placing small soft kisses against their warm wet skin.

"So…" Daemon looks up at Rhaenyra as she bathes with him. "… You look absolutely… ravagingly beautiful." Rhaenyra looks up at Daemon then down at herself as she blushes. Daemon looks back down at you with a grin. "Is that better?" You nodded your head with a small laugh at Daemon's question "Much better" Moving over to Rhaenyra as your hands gently moved across her body and placed the same small kisses onto her wet skin showing her appreciation before looking into her eyes "He is right even after all these things you're going through, you are still just as beautiful". Knowing it would take a long time until you each felt right again after losing a baby and the greens taking over the Iron throne in recent days but softly kissed her lips "Everything will work out I'm sure of it."

Rhaenyra smiles as you kiss her. Rhaenyra looks down towards herself, still not understanding Daemon's words of praise, but is happy to hear them anyway. Rhaenyra wraps her arms around you as she speaks quietly "Thank you, love.. for everything." Daemon smiles at Rhaenyra once again as she thanks you. After that he wraps his arms around you as well. Daemon doesn't say anything but his eyes do the talking. Once out of the bath you pampered both Rhaenyra and Daemon to a massage where you took your time making them both feel good, having dinner come to their chambers as you all quietly ate together before getting ready for bed. Laying down in the large bed together cuddling and waiting until your lovers fell asleep before slowly pulling away and getting out of the bed as you went to sit down in front of the fire closing your eyes as tears started to pour finally allowing yourself to get your emotions out since you had been hurting just as much.

Daemon slowly noticed that you left the bed after he tried to pull you closer, and called up to you quietly. "Y/N love? What's wrong? Come back to bed.." Rhaenyra doesn't say anything but she looks over to you with a face full of worry. You let out a small shaky breath as you lightly shook your head but kept your eyes closed as your voice came out barely above a whisper* "I'll be fine", Trying to be strong but couldn't help the pain you were going through even if you didn't want to burden your husband and wife.

"I'll be damned if you'll be 'fine'." Daemon said as he jumps out of bed, quickly walking over to you. Daemon looks you in the eyes, his face full of concern and annoyance that something happened. "What's wrong?" Daemon's tone changes to be much more soft and caring. "I don't want you to go through anything alone. Especially right now. Let us help you." You sighed as you heard his words even as he made you look up at him knowing you still had tears falling down your colored skin as you let out a broken whisper "I can still hear and see what Nyra went through...every-time I close my eyes it just keeps replaying", Shaking your head as you wrapped your arms around yourself as you let more tears flow down out of your eyes feeling like you could still hear the broken scream that came from Rhaenyra and even the hurt that flashed in Daemon's eyes when he learned what happened or the anger that came off of them both when learning what the greens had done.

Daemon sighs. He wraps his arms around you pulling you into his chest. Daemon kisses the top of your head before speaking. "I'm so, so sorry this happened. I wish that I could take away your pain." Daemon takes a deep breath, pulling you closer. "It'll be okay. I'll make sure of it." Daemon kisses you again, rubbing your back. He wipes your tears with his hand, gently caressing your face. "Nyra.. she'll be okay. She's just hurting right now." Daemon looks you in your eyes once more and gives you a small smile. "Do you want to go back to bed? We could cuddle if that'd make you feel better." Rhaenyra watches Daemon comfort you with a smile on her face.

You leaned into Daemon's touch as you looked up at him nodding your head believing everything would be okay at least at some point, letting out a small sigh as you nodded your head again before slowly getting up with him and laid down in between him and Rhaenyra before giving them both a tender and long kiss on the lips as you cuddled into them both "I love you both so much."

Daemon smiles softly as he watches you embrace him and Rhaenyra. It almost feels like you're all just one being right now. Keeping his voice low as he spoke into your ear "We love you too.." Rhaenyra looks up at Daemon as he holds onto you. Rhaenyra smiles when she hears Daemon tell you both that he loves you, before she leans in. Rhaenyra kisses Daemon on the cheek, before turning her attention to you. She begins to gently stroke your hair then spoke softly to you "I'm glad we have you, my love."

[bonny-kookoo]

Jungkook: Velvet Heart 🔞

There's something wrong with Jungkook.

Tags/Warnings: Yandere AU, Idol!Jungkook, captivity, emotional manipulation, violence (not against mc), injury, medication and abuse of such, obsession, OCD, blackmail, very shady ways of the company in regards to JKs issues, fluff but its.. You'll see, NSFW mentioned but not descriptive

Length: Short

!! Disclaimer: I do not believe Jeon Jungkook to be like this, God no. This is pure fiction, and meant to be seen as nothing but entertainment. Thank you.

♥━━━━━━━━━━━♡━━━━━━━━━━━━♥

Jungkook has always been an odd kid.

But nowadays, there's no denial that there's something terribly wrong with the now young adult. He's social when needed, a perfect actor in front of the media, shows himself as both sexy and cute to please a broad variety of fans. But he's not quite right in his head, and everybody knows.

Onve you know what he's capable of, what he's already done, that smile of his looses its innocence. Those eyes of his change in their sparkle. His grin is no longer cute- it's dangerous. Menacing. Like a wolf snarling in your face.

It's not a smile of happiness. It's more like a warning.

No one's ever allowed in his hotel room - not even room service. He himself actually has a habit of bringing along his own bedsheets, so you'll never leave a trace of yourself anywhere, but at his own home, he shares with you. If he has to bring you along to schedules, no one's allowed to look at you, speak to you, nothing. You're basically to be treated as invisible. Only he can ever interact with you.

And you? Well.. you don't have many memories apart from him.

Found by him at the side of a lake, washed up from your own failed act of jumping out of life, you'd suffered harsh injuries to your brain, leaving you with not only amnesia, but other problems as well. When he'd taken you home, late at night, you couldn't even talk, didn't know how to hold cutlery. He'd instantly done his own research, had looked up ways and therapies he could manage by himself- and so, he somehow helped you learn to exist again.

Maybe that's why you're so attached to him. Horribly so.

You still have a hard time speaking most of the time, but he understands you just fine. Or maybe he doesn't care. You don't mind.

You remember however, when you'd learned the word 'hate'.

You'd spoken it to him one day, randomly to ask what it meant, and he'd suddenly developed an entire mental breakdown. Hands on your shoulders slightly shaking you on the couch, eyes wide open and filled with terror. "No." He said, chanted almost. "No, no, no, no, no!" He shook you, back and forth. "Dont say that, don't ever say that to me! Ever!" He barked before he stilled. "I know you hate me. Everybody does. It's because I'm me, isn't it?" He'd laughed, shaking hands holding your cheeks, before they held your neck. "You do, don't you? You hate me?" He smiled, but you shook your head. He copied the action, amused, emotions all over the place. "No?" He chuckled. "You're such a liar, princess." He laughed, thumb running over the front of your esophagus, before his hands traveled again, forcing your face to look at him. "Thats fine. I still love you." He mumbled. "I'll always love you." He grinned, before kissing you softly.

Sometimes he's like that.

Jungkook doesn't trust anybody, not even himself. He's terrified of loosing you, has invested in a simple portable camera to set up in the hotel room wherever you might stay, so he can watch you like now, as he's getting his makeup done. Everyone, including the other members of the band, know this isn't good. This isn't healthy. But he's a major part of the success they all have.

If he's exposed as a high-functioning sociopath who's keeping someone hostage out of twisted love, everything would crumble to ashes.

So reporters are paid off if they ever find hints. Lawyers are always on call if things go south, or if Jungkook breaks another staff's jaw for accidentally mentioning you. Psychologists are there if one of the members has to watch the youngest pull someone's teeth out from their throat again after snapping out of control because the guy had been smiling at you.

Jungkook had even expected a thanks for it. He'd saved the guy's life, after all.

It's not healthy. Not at all.

But money rules the world- and Jungkook makes them all a lot of it.

Without him, the house of cards will fall and burn.

♥━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━♥

On the twelfth of January, he always celebrates with you.

You don't know why, and you also dont know what. You're sure you know it's not your birthday, and neither is it his, but then again, you don't really care either way. You live from one day to the next, and you exist because Jungkook wants you to. So you're happy when he's happy.

"Do you like it?" He smiles, holding out another spoonful of cake to you. You happily accept it while your legs swing back and forth from the height of his lap. He likes feeding you. It reminds him of the earlier times, when he'd just found you. Sometimes, when he's feeling gloomy, he'll Revive those old habits. He'll help you eat, help you clean your face or brush your teeth.

He loves reminding himself that without him, you'd be read. Rotting next to the waters, eaten by bugs and torn apart by animals.

Instead, you live a lavish life under his watch, enjoying what the world has to offer every day. He's trained you like a dog, after all these years. He can trust you. You won't ever run away.

You're way too scared without him, after all. As you should be.

You fall asleep in his arms a bit later on the hotel bed, filled with sweets and his love, while he scrolls for some stuff on his phone. He smiles when he looks at a photograph from the news on the TV he took on his way home one day.

[Missing girl officially declared dead after only one year and two months, police reports. Parents: "we want to move on." All investigations closed as of yesterday, as the case comes to its end.]

Recorded on the 12th of January, three years ago.

♥━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━♥

It's quiet around him, these days.

With the lawsuits wrapping up behind closed doors and far away from the public eye, fans worry about the maknae due to his silence. Meanwhile, he himself couldn't be happier, having spent the third day in a row waking up late during the day next to you, sleepy as ever, still resting. You sleep a lot. Always have.

Sometimes more, when he wants you to. Then you'll get some help slumbering off from him. He knows how to measure the dosage. He's done it a thousand times.

In his dreams, you sometimes scream. He doesn't know why, takes it as a warning to hold you even closer, and when he dreams such things, he will be restless. He will sleep with his length inside your warmth, as far as it goes, so he can stay as close as humanly possible with you. He doesn't mind the mess you both make.

It's proof of your love.

Sometimes he wants to take you outside. Go to dinner, walk alongside Han River, but then he realizes that you might remember what had happened that Night. You might loose all dependency on him, all love for him, all memories- and it makes him angry at himself, makes him pull his own hair in frustration necause he can never let that happen.

Everybody knows he's hanging on by a thread.

And if you ever step out of line, if you ever leave-

That fragile little chain keeping him grounded will snap, freeing the beast.

♥━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━♥

Will you ever be free? Do you want to be?

If freedom is away from Jungkook, will it ever be enjoyable?

You don't have to think about that. Not when his hands hold your wrists down into the mattress so hard they will surely bruise. Not when he almost growls like a predator at every thrust he pushes into you. Not whe he kisses you like he doesn't care about breathing.

Not when he's got you all chained up to his side, like a dog, loved and loyal.

You exist for him.

You're alive because he wants you to be.

You've survived because he loves you more than anyone else ever could.

You're his.

And don't you ever forget it.

♥━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━♥

[asheli1515]

The Ghosts We Carry || Rafe Cameron - Chapter 2

<<previous next>>

a/n: soft!rafe x fem!character (OC)

word count: ~1.5k

warnings/disclaimers: fluff, angst, familial loss, grief, brief mention of substances (alcohol, drugs, etc.), season 4 plotline (I'm grieving), out-of-character rafe after a while, emotional intimacy, smut is there if you squint, blood, violence, dangerous situations, dual pov

summary: after a reckless night of partying, Rafe Cameron finds himself alone at the beach walking home. During his trek, he bumps into a quiet, mysterious newcomer who seems to see beyond his tough exterior. Despite Rafe's reputation and his defensive attitude, the newcomer refuses to judge him. They strike up an unexpected connection, and soon, their late-night conversations become the highlight of Rafe's days. As their bond deepens, Rafe finds himself torn between his need to prove himself and his new feelings for someone who doesn't want anything from him but the truth. Will Rafe let down his walls and risk everything for love, or will his inner turmoil and need to make something of himself tear them apart?

series masterlist

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦

RAFE

I am so out of my element here, and I don’t know how to feel about it. I have never been so caught off guard by someone in my life…until her. The fact that she is leaning on my shoulder is enough to make me want to run for the hills and her crying adds even more to my sense of fight or flight. I have never been good with emotions as I don’t have much to work with on that front. Between my emotionally unavailable father and even more distant stepmother, I have never really had a good example of what normal emotions are. I have nothing to refer to in this situation and so I do the only logical thing and put my arms around her.

Everything about this moment is making my internal sirens sound as if to say “do not continue going down this path” but I can’t bother listening right now. I am still slightly feeling the effects of the alcohol I drank at the party earlier and so I blame my current situation on that. Any other explanation would cause my head to spin and the world around me is doing enough of that already. I realize that I am fully relaxed around her, enveloping her with my large frame as her sobs slowly become sniffles.  We stay like this for what feels like a long time before she speaks.

“I’m so sorry about that. I usually don’t sob all over someone I just met but I haven’t had a real conversation with someone in so long.” She says with a sad smile that tugs at my heart in ways I don’t even want to begin to acknowledge. I look at her for a moment while I form my response in my head. I rarely find myself at a loss for words but right now I can’t seem to find any. Mostly because I have no idea how I should feel in this moment. I am in uncharted territory because I don’t usually spend my time talking to girls because I am too busy showing them a good time. I’ve never been the guy that a girl vents to or even wants to talk to.

“It’s fine, it seems you would have done the same thing no matter who was sitting here.” My voice comes out lacking all of the emotion that is stirring under the surface. Growing up the way I have, you learn to get good at hiding how you really feel.

From a young age, my dad instilled in me that emotions make you vulnerable…weak. Boys didn’t cry and there was no room for tears in the Cameron household. Id grown accustomed to this fact before I even learned the alphabet. Feelings made me uncomfortable, and Vivienne was full of them.

She laughed lightly before responding with, “You definitely might be right, but we’ll never know, now, will we?” A small smile found its way onto her face once she finished speaking. I watched her as she wiped away the last of the tears that littered her face and saw the hurt still lingering under the surface. I unwrap my arms from around her to put back some necessary distance. I come to the conclusion that I need to leave before my head explodes. At this point, it was already morning, and I need any sleep I can get to deal with the hangover that I know I will have a few hours from now.

I get up to leave as I don’t trust myself to continue this conversation and not do something that I will end up regretting. As I am doing this she speaks and says something that shocked me more than anything else tonight.

“It was nice meeting you, Rafe Cameron. I hope to see you around” she says, and it seems like she means it. The thought of someone hoping to see me again is so foreign to me that I almost don’t believe her. She continues her sentence while I am still in thought.

“Thank you for talking to me,” her eyes find mine and they are filled with a sincerity that takes my breath away, “it means more to me than you could possibly know.” This has officially become too much for me in every aspect and I need to get out of here.

I acknowledge her statement with a nod and a brief wave before turning to continue walking down the beach. My head is swirling with the events of the evening. I don’t even think I can begin to explain what just happened, so I do what Camerons do best and ignore it.

I finally make it to my house and I have never been so relieved to be here in my life. I feel tired, dirty, and I know the hangover that awaits me is going to be a terrible one. I choose to remedy one of these things and head to my room to take a much-needed shower. I remove my clothes and turn on the water. The cascade of droplets rain down on my skin and the warmth makes me realize how chilly the beach really was. The dirt and stress of the day slowly wash down the drain. I turn the water off and step onto the mat outside the shower to dry myself before getting dressed.

I go into my room and grab a pair of blue pajama pants and a black t-shirt to wear to sleep. I get into bed and immediately feel the tension leave my body. I close my eyes in preparation of sleep and the last thing that goes across my mind before I lose consciousness is Vivienne’s gentle eyes that hold just as much pain behind them as mine do.

Before I know it, the sun is streaming in through my windows and illuminating my surroundings enough to bring me out of my sleep. Just as I predicted, the hangover is in full swing, and I can practically feel my heartbeat in my head. The pain is almost unbearable, and I deeply regret the decisions that I made last night that led up to this moment.

I pry my eyes open to reveal the sunlight that instantly assaults my retinas. Everything is a nuisance in my current state, but I know I need to get out of bed. Despite my body’s protests, I remove the covers and make my way downstairs to make some coffee. While it’s brewing, I try and remember the events of the evening prior, but everything is still hazy. However, the longer I think, the more sure I am of the conversation I had with Vivienne. The most confusing part of this whole ordeal isn’t the fact that I talked to her, but it is more so that I find myself wanting to know more.

After a night of partying, I never remember the names of any of the girls that kept me company. Vivienne is a different story for some reason, and I want to figure out why. Could it possibly be the fact that she is new or is it the fact that she knows nothing of who I am and the destruction I have left in my past? I don’t know the answer to that question, but I am curious to a fault and decide that I need to find out. She did say that she hoped to see me again, so I am choosing to believe she meant those words.

I have no idea how I am supposed to find her, but I owe it to myself to at least try. I don’t believe I deserve much in this life because I destroy everything that is given to me. Although maybe me wanting something won’t be the worst thing. I just want a chance to start over, to prove that I want to be different…better. I hate who I have become because it looks a lot like my father. I will always love him and strive to make him proud, but I want to be better than him. I must be because if I’m not, it proves that nothing will ever change.

I see a chance to prove that I am not this monster that I have been painted out to be. My previous actions don’t bode well for redemption, but I have done more difficult things than trying to change how people perceive me. I have one chance at this and that is Vivienne. She is the only person whose idea of me has not been tarnished and so I need to find her before someone else does.

The smell of coffee overwhelms my senses in that moment, alerting me that it is ready. I pour the hot liquid into a mug as I contemplate my next steps. I just hope it isn’t too late by the time I reach her.

______________________________________________________________

a/n: heyyyyy! So sorry that it took me so long to finally post the next chapter. I promise I didn't forget, but I had to lock in for my finals because college is not for the weak. However, I am finally done with them and am headed home for winter break so expect many more updates to be headed your way! This chapter is a little shorter as I just wanted to update yall with what I had so you have something while I write more. Hope you like it and I will update soon!!

-Ash <3

[theflintwarlock]

Flint knapping and practical magic

Now that we have discussed the basics of history and properties of flint, how can flint knapping be used in practical magic?

First, a few disclaimers:

1. Please do not try this indoors, without proper protective equipment

2. You will need some thick gloves- leather or gardening gloves that are designed to prevent cuts.

3. Protective eye gear is essential, especially when you're learning (which I'll admit I still am)

4. A thick towel on your lap will help prevent you bruising your legs as you work (I have done that before)

5. I am not an expert, this is just me sharing why I think more people should learn about flint knapping and magic. Please watch more detailed tutorials before attempting anything. It evolves sharp edges and the possibility to accidentally start a fire if you do it wrong.

That being said, hopefully I haven't scared too many people off. I am not a dextrous person myself and I have managed to do some rudimentary knapping, I even created a flint crow statuette. The tools that you can make can be extremely useful for Witchcraft, a handaxe for example can be used as an alternative to a ceremonial dagger. I use my flint tools for wood carving, simple stuff like creating touchwoods and small things. Another use if you're an artist is as a charmed pencil sharpener, to add some intention and protection from your ancestors into your work. But I am getting ahead of myself

How to find flint

Finding flint depends on your geographical location. For me, i collect flint from my family home in the east of England. East anglia is rich in flint and chalk as well as clay, anywhere you go you will find big chunks of flint on the ground. Look up your local area's geological background and this will help determine where you can find flint- in volcanic areas you are more likely to find obsidian than flint! Which is very cool, I'm jealous of you. The beach, however, is generally the best place to start wherever you are:

Look for large grey or white stones, flint generally has a coating of sedimentary rock.

It is especially fun to look for rocks with cracks down the middle that go all the way around- as they often have deposits inside. If you're not sure if it's flint, you can hit it with another rock on the beach (another HARD one, using chalk or sedimentary rocks will just break the chalk open.) And if it is flint it will shatter into pieces. Again please be careful. I like to chuck them a good deal away to open them up, and let gravity do the work when it hits other stones. A newly opened egde will look something like this:

The usual shine of flint tends to mattify on a fresh edge, but it still very smooth. When flint is being used as a brick to build a wall, this is as far as knapping goes. But for someone trying to make tools, you need to break it up again into smaller pieces.

For me, I just like breaking stones apart. I find it very therapeutic apart from the magickal elements. There is, however, something unquestionably magical about sitting outside and breaking open a stone, slowly learning with the gentle and rusty hand that a child in the stone age might have had. When I first did this, after watching an episode of digging for Britain, I had the genuine feeling that the people of the past were guiding my hands, teaching me how to work. It is an excellent, practical way to get closer to your ancestors during ancestor work.

I don't tend to worship my ancestors, but I do certainly lean on some of them for advice and guidance in times of strife.

Anyway, when you have a piece like this

On the further edge you can see that there are jagged edges where it has been knapped unevenly. This is a good way to get a sharp edge: you tap with another rock that is roughly the shape of your hand several times and eventually the flint will give. Here it broke into three pieces:

The iron deposits make this rock a slightly unusual one, but the principal applies for any piece of flint. Here it is especially important to be careful and wear gloves (in the picture I'm not wearing gloves because I'm a dumb dumb who cut my hand after this).

This piece is essentially a knife. You can see the slightly transparent edge, serrated. Generally an antler or bone would be used to shape this piece further. (I used chewed up antlers from the family dog)

You can see on the picture to the left there are cracks running down the larger piece. You can carefully remove a smaller piece from the larger by hitting it a few times with the same rounded stone, acting as your hammer. Here a piece came off that could be easily shaped into an arrowhead.

Laver flakes are created by hitting a larger piece precisely until a small, sharp flake falls off. These are difficult to do for beginners. Most of these sharp pieces shown are now on my altar, to add protection to the space and connection to my ancestors. Razor sharp small flakes have a tenancy to fall off, I collect these in a jar and use them for spell bags and jars. It is important to not leave them on the floor anywhere where pets walk, as they will cut into their feet. (And yours if you have a habit of walking barefoot in your garden/outside).

The best part about flint knapping in magical practice is that it's entirely free. Like I've said before, some of the best magical tools come not from commercialised stores but through your own practice and historical techniques that never required buying materials. Go forth and Forage, my flintlings.

For more information and a more detailed guide on things I can't do, check out this website:

https://exarc.net/issue-2016-3/at/recycled-flint-cores-teaching-tools-flintknapping-archaeological-open-air-museums

This YouTube video is also helpful:

Wessex archaeology flint knapping basics

[mechwife]

RDC fic something something

Written with the intentions of fluff. We'll see.

Depth Charge / Rampage K+ mild violence

So, I just wanted to add a couple disclaimers here. One, I'm a baby Transformers fan, this is my first fic for my first tf ship. I'm not super familiar with the franchise, but I want to learn. Please don't kill me on arrival lol.

Secondly, I don't have spellcheck lmao. Hopefully I can figure something out if I keep writing this thing.

Anyways, gentle suggestions and guidance are welcome. Or ideas to add to make this even fluffier. I'm awful at naming things so this story doesn't have a name yet.

-------

At first the change was glacial and gradual, hardly worth thinking of. Taking place was the usual exchange of quips and light blows that prefaced the inevitable clash of fists and explosives, paired with increasingly inflammatory language and volume- all par for the course, close to mundane, though enjoyable- at least for one of the participants.

It was hardly noon, a time perhaps some mechs might still be attempting to sneak in some extra recharging time, and both Rampage and Depth Charge were beneath the waves not far from the shoreline bordering between Maximal and Predacon territories. Occasionally they'd break the surface of the ocean, with a blast of water from one of their cannons or Depth Charge propelling himself above the water, before diving back rather gracefully back into the deep blue.

The first time Depth Charge had used that maneuver, jettisoning forwards until he left the body of water, creating a near semi-circle above before plunging back towards Rampage, blade drawn as it aided in the Maximal piercing through the ocean back in the direction of his sworn nemesis- Rampage had stopped to stare and watch in unabashed admiration, observing the prisms of light above and in the water and how naturally the movements came to the manta. The Protoform had been so busy observing the other that he forgot that there was a sharp blade pointed at him, one which Depth Charge quickly reminded him of, wasting no opportunity to slide the blade through Rampage's chassis, although he had missed the red mechs' spark chamber.

"Catfish got your tongue?" The ex-security officer growled as he followed the momentum he had created, glaring down at the crab with narrowed optics. However, instead of crying out from his new wound, Rampage skewed his mandibles in his own version of a grin while wrapping his hands around Depth Charge's wrists, metal groaning as he drew the other mech closer.

"Do that again." Rampage encouraged, tugging on the Maximals' wrists a bit before releasing them, his 'smile' only growing as he waited for the others' response. Momentarily Depth Charge seemed thrown off, red optics widening slightly as he clearly hadn't expected the mutant to have such a reaction- although just as quickly as the exchange happened, Depth Charge recovered, raising a leg between them to press to Rampage's abdomen before kicking off, hard enough to rip the blade from Rampages' chest and push the Predacon away, snarling.

"You don't have to ask me twice, creep." The manta grit as he continued with the movement he had made from kicking off of Rampage, turning to start building momentum again, this time the movements familiar enough for Rampage to follow. Once more the red mech stopped what he was doing, allowing himself to simply float and lightly tread the water, head raised as he awaited his request. Of course, Depth Charge couldn't see it and even if he could, he likely wouldn't recognize that Rampage was openly grinning while marveling at Depth Charge's show of skill, and apparent ability to comply with one of Rampages' suggestions, even if it seemed to favor both of their interests.

Before long Depth Charge had both left the water, flipping in air before plunging back into the cold, plummeting towards Rampage again with narrowed optics. This time Rampage was clapping, though the sound was certainly muffled and lacked the same effect it had above water. Upon seeing this odd behavior a second time, Depth Charge dove under Rampage before circling back around from underneath, flipping again before he was a few arms lengths' away from the Predacon, looking rather aggravated. "Wonderful!"

"Excuse me? Has your spark become so twisted you can't even recognize when you're in danger?" The manta questioned, tone dripping with both irritation and sarcasm. This did nothing to dampen Protoform X's appraisal.

"You know, its cute how you humored me, fins." Rampage remarked, the adjecting rolling off his glossa leaving a somewhat strange aftertaste, but after it had been said Rampage couldn't imagine a different way to describe his playmates' accommodation.

Red optics once again widened, their surroundings growing silent again as sand settled and fish and other lifeforms passed them by, with both mechs quietly floating, staring at the other.

"You're sick." Depth Charge spat before turning his back to Rampage, transforming back into his beast mode to take his leave for now, though he spared the experiment another frigid look before speeding off into the distance, further into Maximal territory.

Once again Depth Charge had left Rampage staring at him, though it seemed that this concluded their match for the day, or at least for now. Rampage allowed himself to sink, slowly descending further into the ocean until he reached the sand, also choosing to morph back into beast mode. A sigh left the Predacon as he could barely see the currents left behind by his old friend, mandibles clicking thoughtfully before he also turned, similarly treading back towards his base, trajectory slow as Rampage mulled over the flavor that lingered from Depth Charge.

Whenever they met after Starbase Rugby it was either always icy resolve and regret tangled with lonliness that rampage tasted from the manta, or it was searing rage, unbridled and raw the closer they were to each other. This time… there was a slightest hint of something else woven into the otherwise expected concoction; and it felt…warm. Bitter, but there was the smallest hint of sweetness he could just barely detect alongside the usual flavors a skirmish with his sworn 'enemy' provided.

This warranted further investigation, the crab concluded, before he picked up his speed, mind beginning to turn with potentials.

------

I heard theres a Beast Wars discord... my curiosity has peaked. Hopefully my tendonitis stops beating my ass soon so I can do some RDC drawings too.

[ajwinter-is-a-nerd]

Le Chat Et Le Serpent - Chapter 50

The Mirage Known as Fashion Week

“You do this for all your employees, Mr. Agreste?” Luka’s dry tone was particularly nasally.

Adrien held Luka’s fingers flat against his palm. Jolts of electricity surged through both of them, their cheeks simultaneously reddening. Both pretended not to notice.

Disclaimer:

Please note that the entirety of this story is a ****TRIGGER WARNING***** - mentions of child abuse, graphic violence, alcohol use, mental health, suicide, suicidal ideation, self-harm - basically a constant blow of pain towards the characters - as well as some "steamy" moments.

Chapter Summary:

Before Luka leaves to search for answers, he must fulfil his contractual obligation of fashion week. Putting on a fake smile is a lot harder when the love of your life is within feet of you and you can't touch them, you can't hug away their pain...

The buzz of people blurred past Luka's vision. Slight nods of assent or the restringing of an instrument blended into the mirage known as Fashion Week.

"Doesn't she, Luka?" Rose's eyes vibrated as she waited for him to answer. Luka hadn't realised she'd been speaking.

"Huh?" Luka half sparked to consciousness, not fully aware that he was in the process of working on the strings of a dress.

"Doesn't Juleka look gorgeous?" Rose nosed in closer to Luka's face, trying to analyse his emotional state.

"Oh, uh, of course." Luka agreed, knowing no matter what his sister would be draped with pride and beauty.

"Is he awake now?" Juleka chuckled, shaking the strings in Luka's fingers as she did.

Sighing, Luka continued his work. He didn't know how he missed the fact that he was working on Juleka's dress.

"We might have woke him up too soon." Rose whispered. After years, Rose had still not learned that whispering was ineffectual around Luka. His ear was too trained from living with Juleka to not understand hushed voices.

Adrien was making one of his routine visits, ensuring everything was in order. From a standing position, he was pushing his palms against the table, reviewing a document with Marinette. His perfectly golden hair had grown out, the sides were shaven, but the hair on the top was spun into a bun that slightly bounced as he spoke.

The violin string snapped as Luka saw what Rose was talking about. Jade eyes shot in his direction, reacting to the sharp noise.

Luka grimaced under the gaze of Adrien, well aware of the light red mark on his face from the pressure of the string.

"You alright, Luka?" Adrien politely inquired.

"Fine!" Luka dug in the pocket of his bag for his arsenal of back-up strings, hoping Adrien's glance would drop by the time he pulled out an a-string.

The serious watch continued as Luka's fingers trembled while spinning the peg. He realised he should have taken out the broken string first. His shakes increased as Adrien left his post, stepping towards them.

"Take five, Couffaine." Adrien ordered as he took over the removal of the snapped string from the violin.

Clenching his jaw, Luka passed the string to Rose before storming out.

"Fashion week is crazy!" Adrien beamed as he put his hands in the air, still riding off the high of his second Paris fashion week.

"Oh yeah? It can't be any crazier than an Akuma battle." Luka brushed his lips against Adrien's neck.

"You would be surprised. At least you have an idea of what to expect in an attack. Plus, any mistakes you make are fixed by magical insects." Adrien giggled at the comparison. "Everything is so intense! Time goes by so fast and it feels like people never stop yelling. The first Fashion Week I headed after my father, I thought I was going to die."

"Mmm... we can't have that, now can we?" Luka pulled Adrien in closer, adoring the light twinkling in his eyes. Most of the business bored Adrien, but the hectic moments of bustle seemed to energise him.

"I'm so happy you're going to be there for the next one. It will be way better with you there." Adrien kissed the tip of Luka's nose. 

"I can't wait." Luka ran his fingers through Adrien's hair as the sweet taste of euphoria caressed his tongue.

Luka stormed out the propped door to join the other disgruntled staff inhaling the brisk autumn air with a crisp backing of nicotine. Shoving the soft filter in his mouth, he watched the flame suck into the tip of his smoke.

"My boy! When did you pick up this nasty habit?" A familiar voice beckoned to Luka across the smoke pit.

Of course you're here. Why did I not assume that you would be added on to the crap pile I already have to deal with?

Pulling the smoke out of his mouth, he rested his hand on his jeans. "Seemed like a better vice than opioids."

Their relationship had been getting progressively better, but today was not the day to test Luka's luck.

"Ouch," Jagged Stone held his hand that carried his smoke over his heart as he walked to Luka. "I've been clean for years now, Luka. Trust me, this," Jagged waved his smoke, "is nearly just as bad. You're too young to throw your life away."

Snarling, Luka spit towards the ground. "Little late for advice, don't you think?"

Jagged's shoulders relaxed as he reevaluated his approach. "Luka, your mum and I are really worried about you. She says you've taken the break-up really badly."

Taking another drag, Luka shook his head. "Don't voice my shit here. It's no one's business," he inhaled again, "not even yours."

Defeated, Jagged nodded his head. "I get it, Kid. Just know that I'm here for you if you need. Oh- by the way, I love the new do!"

Jagged held his middle and index fingers on both hands together as he motioned towards Luka's hair. He was still sporting a similar hairstyle to their last night in front of the mirror, the night where Adrien stood iced on the dock of The Liberty. Maybe it was his form of the classic break-up chop, or the fact that it was time for a change. He didn't think the shag worked the same without shots of colour. Now, the sides had a fade shaved into them, the hair on the top of his head was longer and pushed back. The look was maintained partially by gel and partially by a nervous smoothing back of his hair in a constant need to control something. There were always some hairs that would jet forward, but he wouldn't feel like himself if there wasn't at least some disarray. Though seemingly contradictory, it was a form of controlled chaos.

Finishing up his smoke, he returned to the mad house.

"Take five, Couffaine." The words felt cold as they left Adrien's lips, but it was how he would approach any other employee that was clearly on edge.

"You know how to string one of these?" Juleka mocked as Adrien pushed the edge of the string through the peg.

"Juleka," Adrien once again leaned towards a formal dialect, "I've spent almost every day for nearly the past three years with your brother. Do you really think I wouldn't have learned to string a violin by now?"

He wove the string with a steady hand and expert capability, silencing Juleka's teasing.

Not wanting to make his model uncomfortable, Adrien continued speaking. "You're leaving for another international shoot soon, right? Are you excited?"

"I'm scared to leave Luka." Juleka admitted, her brother was making a rapid downward spiral.

"Yeah, but he's going to be going on tour, so there's not much you could do anyway. I wouldn't worry too much, things are looking up in his life." He tightened the peg, finishing the task. "Plus, I heard he finally shed off his drama queen of a boyfriend."

Juleka chuckled, effectively soothed by Adrien's self-deprecating humour. "Yeah, I don't know how Luka could handle such extensive hair care seminars!"

"Hey, obviously it worked! He's going to have to be batting away all the men and women now that he's looking so sharp." Adrien briefly smiled at his own comment.

"I think he needs a slut phase." Juleka stated confidently.

Adrien was scanning her dress for any imperfections as he responded. "Ew, too far Jules, too far."

Rose smiled sheepishly at their back and forth, it was comforting to see their friendship shining through the post-break-up tension.

Adrien repositioned a few strands of hair before resting his hands on both of Juleka's arms. "You're good to go! See you in half."

"Adrien?" Marinette called. "Can you grab me a coffee?"

Confused as Adrien stepped away, Rose peeked towards Marinette. "Don't you guys have people specifically for that?"

"Yeah, but I like it better when Adrien gets it." Marinette nonchalantly replied as she called the next model in.

"Oh, I would have gotten you a coffee too if I knew you needed one." Luka furrowed his brow at Adrien standing in line.

"Next!" The clerk called.

"May I have a large chai tea latte with coconut milk, please?" Adrien ordered before turning his attention to Luka. "It's fine, I wasn't expecting to grab one."

"That's not your regular order." Luka chose to drop the second half of his line, 'you would normally say it has way too much sugar and not enough caffeine.'

"Yeah, I already have one going. This one's for Marinette." Adrien tapped his card before walking to stand by Luka.

The lid popped off Luka's drink, sending nearly an ounce of hot liquid down his fingers. "Ow - fuck!" He rushed to the counter to pull out napkins. As he tried to wipe himself and the cup, Adrien was tilting over the counter's edge.

Why does she have to do this shit? Luka screamed internally. This whole fucking show she keeps demeaning him with trivial requests. 'Adrien, take this to the garbage', 'Adrien, get me some 4-ply toilet paper', 'Adrien, can you bend over so I can show off the seams on your butt'. How is no one else calling her out on this shit? It's not a good look to have the CEO fucking bending over for a cackle of ogling models.

His infuriated line of thought was broken by Adrien's touch. Wordlessly, he took the paper towel wetted with cold water against Luka's skin.

"It's okay, I like taking care of you." Luka reassured his Prettyboy while he ran a damp towel over his face.

Adrien groaned. "I feel like a damn damsel in distress when you dote on me like this."

"You'll always be my damsel in distress," Luka teased. "Plus, you have a weird way of always missing some. You'd think after this long you'd know how to wash your face."

Giant emerald eyes glared at him in feigned irritation.

"Like I said," Luka smirked at Adrien's childish grimace, "I love taking care of you."

Adrien's face blushed as he got lost in Luka's smile. 

"You do this for all your employees, Mr. Agreste?" Luka's dry tone was particularly nasally.

Adrien held Luka's fingers flat against his palm. Jolts of electricity surged through both of them, their cheeks simultaneously reddening. Both pretended not to notice.

"It doesn't look like you suffered any significant burns. Your skin might be a bit sensitive, but nothing requiring additional attention." Adrien lowered his hand, signalling Luka to hold the weight of his own fingers. "It's a good thing your drinks are overflowing with sugar or it might have been worse."

"Large chai latte with coconut milk!" The barista set the cup on the counter.

Lifting the cup to Luka, Adrien bid adieu. "I'll see you back in there, Couffaine."

Luka swore he used his last name on purpose. Twisting the knife already lodged in his stomach.

When Luka reentered their area, Adrien was in the process of finishing an imitation of Chat's moonwalk.

Well, this can't be anything good. Luka controlled the urge to squeeze his cup, not wanting to invite the same fate as two minutes ago.

"That was so good, Adrien!" Marinette clapped.

"Whatever brings the mood up, right?" Adrien beamed. "All I have left to check is the piano piece, are you okay to confirm that one, Marinette?"

"Absolutely!" Marinette hopped up, genuinely thrilled.

As Adrien walked towards the door, his face dropped. Luka watched as Adrien's jaw clenched and his eyes grew jaded. He paced by Luka with such speed it lifted the stray hairs off Luka's forehead.

Setting down his coffee, Luka looked towards Marinette, who was happily humming as she verified each hem. He scanned to see if there would be anything instrumental that required his attention. Deciding he should be clear, he spun to follow Adrien. He could tell when the man was attempting to manage a panic attack.

Dropping his head to the ground, Luka checked to see if there were any other feet besides Adrien's in the stalls. Confident that they were the only two in there, he dead bolted the door behind him.

"Who's there?" Adrien's back straightened, still with one hand on the toilet bowl. He heard the locking of the door and was understandably on edge.

"Thought you might want the extra privacy." Luka leaned against the blue painted stall.

Adrien scoffed as he rested his head on his forearm. He wanted to sound strong, to seem resilient. This was extremely hard to convey when struggling to breath and crying non-stop between spouts of puking. "Thought you would give me privacy by locking yourself in with me, because that makes sense."

"I know you don't want anyone seeing you like this." Luka flatly responded, nuzzling his head against the door.

"How did you know I w-was-," Adrien's breath hitched, devolving into sobs.

Adrien was gasping and twitching as a nightmare overcame him. Luka tried to calmly talk him through it, to let him know that he was there.

Luka felt helpless as Adrien ran to the bathroom. Part of Luka wanted to believe it was only this bad because of Gabriel's memorial that day, but Plagg's expertise in care demonstrated otherwise.

Adrien didn't want Luka seeing him like this, he didn't want Luka to know how broken he was. But Luka was there to stay.

Luka's palm was lifted by the seizing of Adrien's back, but his touch seemed to provide soothing relief. He kept rubbing his back and whispering that he was there.

Adrien used the back of his hand to wipe the bile from his lips. He rested his face on his forearm against the toilet seat, wanting to fade away completely.

Instead of fading away, warm hands circled his waist. The pain melted as Adrien allowed himself to fall back into Luka's hold. Tears still trickled, but the intense emotion had changed. As Luka rested his nose in Adrien's hair, Adrien stopped caring about his sweat, his clammy skin, or his drooping posture.

Plagg welcomed Luka to 'la maison Agreste' as he dropped off a bottle of water.

As Adrien gulped the water, Luka ran his nose in the crook of Adrien's neck. He could feel Adrien's pulse stabilising.

He wanted to say it then, he was ready for it, but he knew the moment wasn't right. But he was certain, he loved Adrien.

Setting the bottle down beside him, Adrien backed further into the blue haired man behind him. Even the man's breath was calming. It made his existence tangible. 

Adrien had no idea what he had done to deserve this man, but he thanked the universe for bringing them together. He brought his hand up to push Luka's face harder into his temple. 'This,' he thought to himself, 'must be what love feels like.'

"I've known you for a long time, Adrien. I can tell when you're trying to subdue a panic attack." Luka's hand pressed against the stall door.

"I- I don't understand what's happening." Adrien's sobs fell harder, encouraging another fit of vomit.

"You've got this, Adrien. You've been to hell and back. This is nothing but a hiccup." Luka tried to reassure him.

"No! This is hell!" Adrien's back arched as he pushed his forehead into his arm, desperately wanting his torture to stop.

"Adrien~," Luka elongated his name.

"WHY ARE YOU HERE, LUKA?" Adrien shouted in fury.

"I... I just wanted to help." Luka bit his trembling lip.

"Don't lie to me." Adrien allowed his body to limp around the porcelain. "You made it pretty clear you have no interest in me anymore."

Luka's palm against the door turned to a fist as tears fell against his restraint.

Thumbing his own tears, Adrien fired one last shot. "I'm sure Zoe, or whoever else you're fancying nowadays, needs your attention more than I do."

Not wanting to leave, Luka counted down from ten. Once he reached one, he would force himself to leave.

Trembling, Adrien listened to each of Luka's receding steps.

-

I'm caught in a hurricane I'm leaving here dead or alive And I know that I'd be willing to feel the pain If it got me to the other side 'Cause it only hurts, hurricane Yeah, I can feel it hurt, hurricane

Hurricane by Theory of a Dead Man

Author's Notes:

Going back through this story has been a journey of itself. I think this is my favourite chapter in this entire series. Trying to get better, but everything is getting worse.

Originally this was wrote with "Hate Me" by Blue October in mind - but it just didn't end up being the right quote, and it broke my heart 😭

Here's a line for you anyway, "An ounce of peace is all I want for you; will you never call again?"

The only flashback that is a direct retelling of a scene from the story is the last one. The first time that Luka sees Adrien's bad panic attacks in action. The one where Plagg thinks this kid's not half bad.

Disclaimer * The characters and original plot were written and created by Thomas Astruc. This writing is merely an interpretation in a sad gay type of way.

[ideas-on-paper]

Monster Hunter Tri Diary, Part 11: Exploring the Sandy Plains

For previous entries, search for #monster hunter tri diary

Disclaimer: Text is paraphrased from my localization and might slightly deviate from the English version.

Quest: Secret of the Crystal Bones

Since we're going on an expedition to a desert now, I packed 3 Cool Drinks. (3 instead of 5 because the Guild graciously supplies us with 2 Cool Drinks; once again scrounging what I can, since I don't have to buy them if I take the free ones. And if you don't use all of them, you can even stock up your own supplies a little! :-) ) In addition, I donned my leather armor again for some gathering bonuses.

I chose to eat Grainy Wheat + Cudgel Onion this time, and despite both ingredients being fresh, that apparently tasted absolutely disgusting. So now, my max health has been reduced. Eh... But hey, at least I still got Felyne Woodsman and a boost to Thunder resistance! :-)

This time, our client is an archaeologist who claims that hunters are mocking his studies about Crystal Bones, which according to him are important to learn more about "the life of old and the mysteries of today". First off, I can assure you I would never mock you - I'm the kind of person who drinks up any MH lore content I can find. I wonder what exactly he means by "the life of old" and "mysteries of today" - I think I remember from the artbooks that there are some extinct monster species (most of which are based on scrapped designs), so does he intend to study them and how they evolved? (However, bones from prehistoric animals turn into fossils, not crystal; though perhaps, the bones of the MH creatures contain some substance that causes them to turn into crystal instead?)

Still, I wonder where this "hunters are dimwits" bias is coming from, given the biologist said something similar. You certainly need some brains to hunt monsters, as you can't defeat them by randomly flailing at them. (If you tried, you wouldn't survive very long.)

And here we are: The Sandy Plains! One of my favorite desert areas in the whole series, for both the soundtrack and the overall design. I just love how the first areas (1-5) are more savanna-like, and it transitions into a desert further out (8-10).

This is also where we encounter our first Veggie Elder, who kinda aimlessly wanders around in the base camp. (I wonder if he got lost?) He gives me some random stuff, including a tuna bait; I probably shouldn't overload myself before gathering anything though.

Veggie Elder, giving me the tuna bait: "Take good care of it, you hear?" Yeah, yeah, old man, I hear you! (I wonder what's so special about a tuna bait, though...)

Btw, the increased Thunder resistance actually comes with a visual effect: I've got something like a green aura surrounding my character now. Kinda cool!

Moving on to area 1, and... OH GOD, it's Rhenoplos! Yep, I certainly remember you guys. (More specifically, I remember the many times you knocked me down when I was just doing my own business.)

Rhenoplos monster info: "Extremely territorial herbivores with poor vision but accute hearing." So they're basically rhinos, I take it. (Rhinos also can't see very well, but they have excellent hearing and sense of smell.)

Note to self: Do NOT hit Rhenoplos on the head; your weapon will just bounce off. Instead, get around them and attack their rear.

LOL, the Rhenoplos ran into a rock! xD Just randomly happened after I dodged its attack; didn't even plan that. (But that's probably what their description means by "they often collide into boulders".)

Rhenoplos Scalp: "A sturdy part of the skull that yields, shall we say, dashing results?" Heh... I see what you did there! ;-)

I've never seen a Gluehopper before. I think I've seen it listed among the required materials for some equipment though, so I better hold on to it.

Gluehopper description: "This bug's expectorations make for a strong adhesive that can bond any materials." Makes sense why they would use it for crafting, then.

There are some Giggis in area 7 (I killed 3, so I only need one more for the subquest), as well as some Kelbi. (Kinda surprising that Kelbi thrive in savanna environments too.) Also, there's a fishing spot, but I’m not sure if my tuna bait is going to be very useful here. Besides, I've got more important things to do right now.

Btw, thank God you don't have to use Hot Drinks in the caves anymore; I would always forget this in MH1/Freedom Unite since it felt so unusual. xD (The 1st Gen had no snow areas, so the Hot Drinks were exclusively used in caves.)

I got some Nitroshrooms from a gathering spot as well. Definitely gonna hold onto those so I can cultivate them later, which is gonna be really handy to make Barrel Bombs/gunpowder.

Still, despite this, I don't see a single mining spot around here. Well, guess we'll have to go deeper into the cave...

And into the everlasting darkness we go - I'm definitely gonna need a torch to explore area 6 (which, thanks to my wise foresight, I forgot to take from the supply box). Still, I really want to get the extra supplies from the subquest as well, so I'll just see if I run into a Giggi while blindly stumbling through the darkness.

Alright, I did manage to kill one Giggi for the subquest, so I'm gonna get out of here and pick up the torch and some other supplies at the base camp; BRB.

Okay, so this cave is absolutely hardcore: You've got Giggi and Bnahabra near the entrance, and Melynx further inside - no matter where you go, it's absolute hell. The Melynx snatched some items from me, but thankfully, I still had a Felvine I gathered before so I didn't lose anything more valuable. One of them made off with my tuna bait, though. (So much for "taking good care of it". xD)

Finally I managed to find some mining spots where I could get my Crystal Bones - I was beginning to believe I might actually fail the quest. xD And you bet I'm not gonna go anywhere near the Melynx right now - I'm not losing my quest items right after getting my hands on them.

Since I have time left to gather some other stuff now, I went back to where I entered the cave and picked up some Choice Mushrooms. They’re not worth that much money, but a penny saved is a penny earned.

As always when you explore a new area in Monster Hunter, there is so much stuff to gather, and so little inventory space... I'm gonna skip the gathering spots in area 5 since they don't have any interesting items and move on to area 9.

What the--?! Just when I was peacefully gathering some Cactus Flowers, a swarm of nasty Delex attacked me. Why can't you troublemakers just pass by and be on your way? I've done nothing to you!

You know, viewed from afar, the Delex look like dolphins in a sea of sand. They move exactly like dolphins do, leaping out of the sand as if it was water! (I gotta say, I love the design concept Capcom has going on here: On one hand, we have the actual ocean in Moga, and on the other, an ocean of sand in Loc Lac. Awesome!)

I followed the Altaroth in area 8 to the gathering spot, getting some Might Seeds from their shinies (which is nice since Might Seeds are kinda expensive to cultivate). Also got some more Waterblock Seeds and Monster Fluid from them.

The gathering spot where the Altaroth go also yields Fire Herbs. So now, I can cultivate both ingredients needed for gunpowder!

The monster info for the Delex says they retreat if other Delex are killed. Thought I would try this out in area 10, but nope - despite killing one of them, they continue to annoy me the same as before. You know what? I'm just gonna leave these bullies to themselves.

I gathered all of my courage together and jumped down the bottomless chasm leading into area 11 (pretending I didn’t know there was no fall damage in MH). Found some additional mining spots there to get some more Crystal Bones from. I technically don’t need them for the quest, but they are gonna be good for extra cash! :-)

Was the connection to area 7 a one-way route in 3U as well? I can't precisely remember, but I don't think so. (Maybe they changed that to make it less of a hassle to get to area 11.)

Anyway, back to the base camp we go. Just before I left, I grabbed a Cool Drink for the one I used from the box as well as an Old Pickaxe. As I said: Scrounge anything you can. ;-)

Quest: No guts, no glory

I actually threw my whetstones out to have some more inventory space. Also, I exchanged my Cool Drinks for Hot Drinks, since we're going out into the desert at nighttime now.

As a dish, I picked a Plumpkin + Drybutter (both fresh). That apparently tasted boring, but at least I got Felyne Woodsman.

Btw, I love how the English quest name is essentially a proverb taken literally. xD

Our client is a caravan leader explaining to us that Delex attacking in packs are devious (yep, can confirm that one), but their guts make for good field rations. So I guess the guy got stuck somewhere near the Sandy Plains and now wants me to help him out by killing the Delex pestering his caravan as well as restocking his supplies. Fair enough, I suppose.

The quest description also contains a great example of a MH universe-specific idiom: If I remember correctly, the Caravaneer once said "what the Diablos?" instead of "what the devil/hell?" in MH4U (implying that a Diablos is these people's equivalent of the devil, which is… understandable xD); in a similar spirit, the caravan leader says slaying the Delex is like "killing two Vespoids with one stone". It might just be my localization though since he literally uses the phrase "kill two Vespoids with one swatter" (derived from "kill two flies with one swatter", meaning the same thing as killing two birds with one stone), which makes it funnier since, y'know, Vespoids are overgrown insects. xD Still, really cool if the translators are adding this kind of flavor for each individual language!

I left the Cool Drinks and Paintballs in the box for now (I won't need Cool Drinks at night, and there are no big monsters around), but I plan to pick them up once I get back to deliver the items for the quest.

What I did take, however, were the Sonic Bombs from the supply. If only I could stash them away for later... (You can't buy them and need Screamer Sacs to combine them, which you don't have much of this early on, so they're quite valuable.) However, killing Cephalos without Sonic Bombs was already enough of a hassle in MH1, and Delex are way more nimble and harder to catch, so I'm probably going to put those to their intended use.

On my way through area 4, I picked some stuff from the mining spots, including a Golden Bone. Going by the description, it's literally a bone made of gold. I mean, bones made of crystal are already wild enough, but bones made of solid gold? How the hell did those come into existence? (The best explanation I can come up with is that they're from some kind of ore/metal ingesting monster; Lao-Shan Lung, for instance, is said to feed on ore, and depending on the region where it lives, its scales can be colored differently, caused by the concentration of minerals and other substances in the rocks. So maybe for some ore-eating monsters, the ingested metal is deposited in the bones rather than the scales.)

Moving on to area 9, and I definitely wasn't wrong: The Delex are way harder to hit than Cephalos (especially if you're using a Great Sword).

To make matters even more difficult, Monster Guts seem to be a quite rare carve from Delex - at least it feels like that after I got 5 Sharpened Fangs and exactly 1 Monster Guts from 6 Delex.

So the Delex do leave the area after all if you slay their buddies - however, you have to kill a few for them to get frightened. Looks like they're leaving for area 10 right now, so let's go after them.

I threw my second (and last) Sonic Bomb juuust right to get 10 Delex out of the sand at once! xD Wohoo! (However, I only managed to kill one, since they were pretty quick to get back into the sand.)

We've got that subquest in the bag, but I’ll definitely need to kill more than just 8 Delex for 3 Monster Guts. Can you please give me my Monster Guts already?

Just when I finally got the third Monster Guts, the Delex decide to leave once again. Phew... I actually thought I might run out of whetstones, since I solely had to rely on the two mini whetstones from the box; I would've been pretty screwed if this went on for longer. ^^' Still, everything worked out fine in the end; let's gather some extra stuff for cash and then get out of here.

At night, area 11 is unusually deserted - like, there aren't any monsters there, not even a single Jaggi. Okay, then - makes it easier for me to mine some Crystal Bones. I'm gonna go back to the base camp real quick to gather some more in area 6 as well.

I finally found out how you can gather while holding a torch! What you have to do is NOT select the pickaxe/bugnet from the item menu; at spots where the icon pops up, you simply have to press the gather button and hold R (with the Classic Pro Controller at least).

Ugh, of course the Melynx are still there... You know what, I'm gonna leave area 6, go all the way around to area 5, and then enter area 6 from the other side so they don't spot me.

And I got a new item from one of the mining spots: Icethaw Pellets! Yet another one of those elemental berries. (Though I wonder what they're doing inside a rock formation; are those even still edible?)

Got my first Ice Crystals as well! These caves have to be pretty cool for them to not melt, though. (I have a feeling Capcom might have planned that you have to use Hot Drinks in the caves like in the older games, but they decided against it; in that case, thank you, Capcom - thank you from the bottom of my heart!)

Snuck up on that one mining spot near the Melynx reeeally carefully, filched the last few items right under their nose, and then bolted off. Wouldn't want the Melynx to get any ideas about snatching our hard-earned Monster Guts, would we?

Back to the base camp we go, and as I said, I grabbed myself some free Cool Drinks and Paintballs from the box. Take what you can while you can! ;-)

Village Talk

Item seller: "I love Sonic Bombs. Sometimes I throw them just to listen to them." Oookay... The item lady has some weird preferences, I suppose. (Where did she get the Sonic Bombs, though? They're certainly not for sale in her shop. Do you love them so much that you don't wanna sell them to me?!)

"When I throw stones, I also want to throw iron or machalite ore. Weird..." Maybe that's because all share the same icon? xD

"Sometimes, there are monster bones that are too big for S and too small for M. So many objects, so few adjectives…" So whether a bone belongs to the "S" or "M" category is determined by some kind of common measurements, I take it? (Seems like the tolerance limit is a topic of debate, though. xD)

In today's episode of MH food lore, we learn that Salty Milk was created by a careless servant who added salt to milk instead of sugar, which ended up tasting surprisingly well. Lucky for the servant, I suppose. xD

The Wandering Cook is a big fan of Mosswine meat (confirming my suspicion that Moss Pork comes indeed from the Mosswine). He says it's delicious, especially the feet, which taste best with bean puree according to him. He does note, however, that you have to give it a good wash so you don't end up with more moss than meat. Well, I guess it's called "Mosswine" for a reason. xD

The cook describes the Twinshroom as a "strange mushroom" growing in pairs; both are identical in color and shape, impossible to tell apart and inseparable. So, they're not just Twinshrooms, they're conjoined Twinshrooms.

Also, we finally learn what an Escargogo is: It's an "unusual snail" that spins inside its shell for its whole life, so "the world is practically spinning around it!" (I wonder if "You Spin Me Round" is playing on a loop inside there. xD) Given it's classified as seafood, I assume it's a sea snail, and the name seems to be derived from "escargot", the French word for snail. (Also, Escargogo is the title of a French children's book, apparently? xD)

According to the description of the Rhenoplos armor pieces, it's commonly used in mining and resource prospecting (primarily ore and water). So I guess it's just the workwear of miners from the MH universe. (I can't imagine it's very comfortable to wear that all day though. xD)

Also, I get the impression it's primarily used by workers from Loc Lac, since the description of the greaves says it's "often used to mine resources for city development". ("City" being synonymous with Loc Lac in Tri.) Would make sense, since Rhenoplos are a local species and the materials thus easy to come by.

Oh no, the terrible pun disease is spreading further! While arguing that bowguns are both handy and elegant, the Outfitter used an idiom literally meaning that they're not a "shot in the oven" (the English equivalent of which would be "a lead balloon"). I'm not sure what she says in English here, but it did make me chuckle. xD

I've sent the fleet out to hunt for the first time now. If I remember correctly, it's really just a way to farm materials from smaller monsters so you don't have to bother to do it yourself all the time, but let's see what they bring back.

Guild Sweetheart: "Are you enjoying yourself? I was super busy around here. Manicure, napping... I even carried the piglet from the farm into the village. We played the whole day! Then manicure again." Yep, relaxing effectively is a super though job. I can imagine you needed another manicure after playing all day with the Poogie though... xD

Alright, so now that we're done with the Sandy Plains quests, I'm going to do some free hunting in the Moga Woods next. (Conveniently, we've got a Ludroth breeding in the north and a herbivore breeding in the south, so I can get both some extra paddles and the Super-sized Dung I need.) See ya then! :-)

To be continued

[kiragecko]

I've had situations where I WANTED to stop acting out my hate for things, but found it really hard. And I found it could be helpful to figure out what I was gaining from my hate.

Hating stuff is FINE. This is NOT ADVICE FOR FIGURING OUT IF YOUR HATE IS 'VALID'! It's already valid, you'd don't need permission. This is only for situations where you suspect that you might be making fandom a bit more toxic for other people, but don't know how to stop. Where you aren't enjoying the experience of hating, but find yourself doing it anyways.

There are some extremely valuable things to be gained from hating a character or franchise. Some that I've experienced are:

it's a safe target. I used to repress all my anger. I'd empathize with EVERYONE in ways that invalidated my own feelings. Hating Colossus and Angel (from the X-Men) was a way for me to practice anger and dislike without hurting anyone real.

I need my experience validated. Sometimes I'll want to rant about how much I hate some event or character because something resonant happened in my life and I'm insecure about whether people will support me through it. It's a lot safer to talk about the fictional event than the real one, and hurts slightly less if people brush it off.

I need to defend myself. I DESPISE books that involve a quirky (usually female) character being taught how to fit in with the people around them. Because too many people assumed my happy ending was learning how to get rid of all the traits that made them uncomfortable so they'd be willing to accept me. Every time I observe someone talking about a story like that, staying silent feels like betraying myself. Saying I hate the story feels like refusing to be complicit in my own suffering again.

safety is never a given. There are things I'd love to talk about, but that only work if the audience is receptive. And I know the topic is divisive. Expressing hate can act as a litmus test - the way people respond to certain topics can predict how they'll respond to others. If most people agree or are relaxed about it, I might be okay to bring the more important thing in.

hate is simple. Some stories are really complex and require a lot of nuance and perspective taking. It's a relief to be able to insult The Draco (an extremely stupid X-Men arc) after a day of reading complex and ambiguous discussions about disability and representation. The Draco is bad. There are no conflicting access needs here. I just get a break!¹

Once I realized WHY I was attached to my performative hate, it was much easier to chose when I acted it out. And to find other ways to get those needs met. I've mostly grown out of my need to safely practice anger, or get a litmus test before bringing out a topic. I've mostly found other ways to validate my experience and defend myself.

But I still relax through the simplicity of performative hate sometimes. I just usually include a disclaimer, and don't tag it in ways that will put it on fans' dashes.

-

¹ There are probably redeeming qualities to The Draco. I haven't read it since the early 2000s. I'm fine with other people enjoying it. But I don't want to hear about any redeeming qualities, because hating it is FUN.

I do wanna say without derailing the other post that there are, absolutely, books and TV series and movies out there, including adaptations of things I love, that I hate. No nuance, no complex relationship, no I-hate-this-but-I-love-that, I just think they're terrible, sometimes for reasons of genuine objective badness and sometimes for reasons of my personal taste and often for a mix of both. And I certainly have complained, and will in future complain, about these things both to my friends and in public.

What I don't do is make hating those things a long-term lynchpin of my fannish experience, because...I hate them, so I do not wish to spend time thinking about them. Yeah, it's satisfying to know other people feel the same way I do, but once we've established that then what else is there to talk about? There's joy in a good Fisking, to be sure, but that requires extended and thoughtful engagement with the thing (that I hate) and even, I would argue, a measure of affection for what it could be in other circumstances.

Cultivate profound indifference to the stuff you hate. Cultivate happiness within yourself for the people who don't hate it, having fun over there. Cultivate the ability to exorcise your demons in the group chat and then let it go. I promise, with all my heart, it makes fannish life a hell of a lot nicer.

[drewexe]

Like The Stars Pt. 4

pt.1 pt.2 pt.3 pt.4

Pairing: jaemin x fem!reader

Genre: smut, fluff, sex lessons au, friends to lovers

Word Count: ~8,3k

Includes: high school seniors (everyone is legal of age); canon bisexual mc; side characters donghyuck, renjun, and karina; profanities; obviously, sex lessons; kind of a slow burn?; idiots in love/miscommunication sort of (you decide which one fits better); does this count as semi-public sex? they’re on a balcony; protected sex! ft. thigh riding; my precious little nonsense epilogue

Summary: you’d had a crush on renjun for as long as you could remember, but your lack of experience always stopped you from taking the first step; it’s a good thing you have your trusted friend jaemin to help you out

Author’s note: the day is upon us, i present to you the finale of this short story ! thank you so much to everyone who stuck by and loved it until the end, you’re the best <33 disclaimer: do i hate miscommunication as a trope? yes; could they have resolved things easily and cutely? definitely; did writing it this way take ten years off my life? absolutely; do i have any regrets whatsoever? nope. plz don’t hate me, ehe~ you can shout at me about it tho, if you want! second disclaimer: the movie mentioned in this is included only to serve as a plot device, also the title of the story finally makes sense yayy

When you got to school the next morning, you were early enough to assume that none of your friends, or classmates for that matter, would be there. Yet as you made your way past the window that gave free peeks into your classroom to anyone passing by, you noticed a familiar figure already inside.

“Jaem!” you beamed as soon as you entered the classroom, rushing over to cling onto his arm.

“Morning, princess,” he greeted you, ruffling your hair gently and very possibly ruining the hairstyle you had carefully worked on. You swatted his hand away playfully and glared at him. “You seem way too excited for such an early hour, what’s going on? By the way, how are you feeling, still good?”

“Better than ever,” you chuckled, pulling away to look at him with a grin. “My parents are away for the weekend, do you maybe wanna come over and keep me company for a while?”

The boy raised his eyebrows, a sound between a scoff and a chuckle leaving his lips.

“Since when do you invite me over for sleepovers and not Karina?” he asked, as if doubtful. “Or why not ask Renjun instead?” he teased after a second. “You know, I'm pretty sure he'd be happy to come, and you could spend some quality time together.”

If you hadn't spent so much time with him and his smirks for the past couple of months, you would have bought that the one on his lips right now was nothing more than teasing. But you had learned to notice the small twitch giving out that he was faking it. You couldn't help but question it in your mind, the implication that little forced smirk held, yet decided to not mention it. Instead, you rolled your eyes at him and poked his chest.

“I'm inviting you, Nana, not them,” you shook your head a little. “Of course, if you say no I’ll have no choice but to ask someone else, but I just wanted to spend time with you, y’know.”

His eyebrows shot up and he chuckled slightly, crossing his arms. And you were almost sure that whatever he was preparing to say, he would be faking that too. 

“Princess, don't get me wrong, but don’t you think that it’s maybe time to focus on Renjun now?” he questioned and your smile fell a little. He wasn't wrong, really, but you couldn't push yourself to say that Renjun wasn’t the one you wanted anymore. Not yet, not first thing this early in the morning and not in the middle of a random classroom. 

“Well, I… I know you said we’ve covered everything but… I thought that I might need a little bit more time to get used to it…” The excuse sounded dumb even to you, so you decided to use part of the truth instead. “I enjoy spending time with you, Nana. Not just when you’re teaching me about sex, I like the cuddles and the jokes and your presence around me,” you sighed and something in his posture shifted. “I know we didn't spend that much time together before but that doesn't mean we have to stop after we’ve,” you couldn't help but pause for a second to recollect your thoughts, “finished with the lessons”.

“I didn't mean it in that way, Y/N,” he said quietly, cupping your cheek gently. “I've had so much fun with you, I'd actually hate it if we stopped hanging out,” he added as a little smile curved his lips and that made you feel a bit better again. 

“We don't have to have sex tonight, or ever again, if you don't want to,” you assured him, although the thought still stung a little - you didn’t want all of it to end. “Just come over, we can watch a movie or something like that.”

“Count me in on that,” Jaemin nodded and ruffled your hair again, grinning happily and bringing back the smile on your own face. 

“In on what?” a voice suddenly joined in and you turned to see Donghyuck had just walked into the classroom. “Are you planning a party without me? I will end you both if you are. Unless it's a surprise party for me.”

“Not really a party, Hyuck,” you laughed and shook your head. “Just Jaem and me, cause I'll be home alone for a few days.”

“Ew, please keep me uninvited then,” Hyuck scrunched his nose in disgust. “The idea that you two are fuck buddies is making me question this friend group so much.”

“Bold words for someone who spent the last three years trying to get in Karina’s bed,” Jaemin retorted, laughing at the way Hyuck's face fired up.

~

The knock on your door came a few minutes earlier than the hour you two had agreed on, yet you still rushed to open the front door. 

“God, we haven't seen each other in ages!” Jaemin teased as he entered, fully aware of how excited you were and apparently that thought amused him. 

“Shut up, loser, I'm just being polite enough to not leave you hanging at the door,” you rolled your eyes.

“Of course you are, princess,” he smiled as he leaned over to peck your forehead surprisingly. It was such a domestic little gesture that it caught you off guard. He seemed to be just as startled with his own action as you were as he cleared his throat awkwardly after pulling away again. “So, what's the plan for tonight?” 

You shook away your surprise and smiled at him again as you led him further inside and let him set his stuff down in the living room.

“So, we are going to watch my favorite movie tonight and you cannot say no,” you said, nodding your head in the direction of the TV where the movie was already loaded. “I have also ordered us pizza,” you added and he glanced at the table where the two boxes were waiting for you.

Jaemin didn’t really even try to disagree with that plan and so the two of you settled on the couch, your legs thrown over his lap, and you played the movie. The opening scene of Stardust started playing and you couldn't help but smile as you watched the main character's father running away from the village he lived in to visit the magical market.

The movie went on and as much as you tried to focus on it, you started wondering if Jaeming was enjoying it. You couldn't help but glance at him every so often, just to check for any reaction. 

“Y/N, the last time I checked, the movie wasn't playing on my cheek,” he chuckled and you looked away from him immediately, embarrassed. 

“I’m just not sure whether you're enjoying it,” you pouted. Jaemin shook his head slightly in your peripheral vision.

Instead of replying, he pulled you closer to himself and made you lean your head on his shoulder. 

“There, you can't look at me now,” he said. “Watch the movie, not me.” 

A sigh left your lips but you obliged, focusing on the two main characters. One of your favorite scenes was coming soon and you smiled to yourself. The main characters were going to get caught by pirates and that meant that they would soon be realizing that they’re in love. A smile curved your lips again and you signed quietly. You felt Jaemin shift a little next to you, as if to adjust himself so you could cuddle more comfortably.

The film went on and soon you ended up tucked into his side, one of your arms wrapped around his abdomen and one of his hands playing with your hair. With your eyes on the screen and the lack of ability to check every three seconds whether he was enjoying it, the movie went by pretty quickly and before you knew it, the ending credits were playing. Reluctantly, you pulled away from Jaemin and looked at him again, waiting for his commentary as anxious tension filled you up. 

“I can see why you like the movie,” he said pensively. You blinked, unsure how to take that until he turned to you and smiled. “It’s a really beautiful story. And also, there were witches and pirates. So, you know, obviously, I love it.” You felt relief wash over you at the confirmation. 

“Glad to hear that!” you smiled. “I mean, not that you had to like it, but it’s good that you did.” 

He laughed at your comment. So to stop yourself from rambling, you refocused on cleaning up the empty plates from the table and taking them to the kitchen. When you returned to the living room, you found Jaemin looking through the window. 

“The stars are visible tonight,” he said as he turned to you and smiled. “The movie made me think about that. I’ve never actually paid them much attention,” he added. “Do you think they might be actual people living their life up there?”

“Oh, I love watching the stars!” you exclaimed excitedly. The stars had been one of your first friends, unchanged no matter where your parents took you, and always there. You had grown up looking at them whenever you felt lonely and so they held a special spot in your heart. “And, well, I haven’t had the chance to meet a fallen star myself so I don’t know what they are really,” you chuckled. “We can take some blankets to the balcony and I can show you some things though,” you offered, hopeful eyes looking at Jaemin.

He raised his eyebrows slightly as if surprised by your enthusiasm, but as he slowly approached you, a smile curved his lip.

“I’d love that, yes,” he said, ruffling your hair affectionately. You didn’t need much more of a confirmation to rush over to your room and pull out your favorite blanket. 

In no time, you two had set up a comfortable place to lay on your balcony, surrounded by a nest of fluffy blankets and a few pillows, and you were on your backs, looking at the sky. The visibility wasn’t ideal, of course, yet small sparkling dots were noticeable here and there. 

“That over there is Cassiopeia,” you pointed excitedly and Jaemin followed the direction of your finger, trying to spot the constellation. “You see? It’s those five stars that look a bit like a stretched out and messy W?” He hummed in confirmation and you could see him smile in the dim light of your bedroom over your heads as he recognized the constellation.

“Show me something else?” he asked. You could see the stars in his eyes, reflecting the ones in the sky and his excitement made warmth bubble up in your chest. You had been scared he'd find your affection for the stars dumb or ridiculous, yet here he was next to you, looking at you like you were showing him the secrets of the universe. 

Forcing yourself to look away from him before you could dwell on the growing feeling inside you, you tried to find something else that would be easy to spot. The city lights limited the options even though your family's house was kind of on the outskirts, yet your eyes did see a recognizable shape. 

“Well, can you see the five stars, like, kinda to the left above Cassiopeia, that look like a tilted kid’s drawing of a house? That’s Cepheus, Cassiopeia’s husband. They actually come from Greek mythology. They tried to sacrifice their daughter Andromeda to a sea monster because her mom thought that it’d be a great idea to boast that she’s more beautiful than the sea nymphs. It’s okay though, cause Perseus saved her and then made her his queen,” you explained. You moved your eyes again to look at him and found him already turned to you. 

“That’s kinda dark,” he grimaced, but then a smile curved his lips and he added, “but they're beautiful". You knew he was talking about the night sky and its little gems. Yet a part of you felt like the compliment was for you more than for them. 

Gently he reached over to take your hand, bringing it to his lips and pressing a kiss against the back of it. The action left you flustered, warmth once again filling you up and you couldn't bring yourself to suppress your feelings anymore as much as you wanted to.

“Jaemin…” you started, unsure what you were going to say exactly. He looked at you expectantly, a soft smile on his lips.

You couldn't make words process in your brain. The shift in your own feelings was still too overwhelming to talk about. Jaemin was one of your closest friends, and even if your sex lessons hadn’t managed to ruin your friendship, who was to say that your feelings wouldn’t. And even though you had decided to tell him, a part of you was terrified by it. In the end, you just shook your head slightly and looked up at the night sky again. 

“Look, you see that very very bright star over there?” you pointed. “That's Vega. It's the brightest star currently visible, as Sirius is below the horizon right now.”

When a response didn't come for a while, you looked at him again. He was still looking at you, some sort of inner conflict visible on his face. Suddenly, he rolled over on the blanket and before you even realized what he was doing, his body was on top of yours, his arms on both sides of your head. 

“God, you are gonna drive me crazy,” he whispered softly. 

You couldn't help but look at him wide-eyed. Never before had he done something like this, even with all of the times you had had your lessons. Yes, he had never been shy to show he finds you attractive and enjoys what you two were doing… but this was different, this felt like it was coming from something deeper than just sexual tension. Your heart skipped a beat, the feeling of hope blooming in your chest again.

“You're just sitting here, talking about some big balls of hot gas billions of kilometers away from us with this sweet smile as if they are the most amazing thing in the whole world,” he went on, shaking his head slightly. “And all I can think about is how beautiful you look in their light and how much I want to pull you on top of me and make you feel so good that you'd look at me the same way.”

A gasp escaped you and you opened your mouth to say something back, to tell him that whenever you looked at him, it felt like looking at a star, that as beautiful the stars were, they couldn't compare to the way his light and warmth made you feel. But he didn't let you speak, instead leaned down and pressed his lips against yours. Thoughts left your mind as you kissed back, reaching up with one hand to bury it in his hair, tugging slightly on it. Neither of you really took control, neither deepened the kiss, instead, it was filled with unspoken feelings.

“Jaem?” you asked quietly once he pulled away. You didn't dare voice out the hope that all of this had ignited in you, scared that you'd find out that you had imagined everything. 

“Tell me no, Y/N,” he responded, the corner of his mouth curving upside. “Please tell me no, tell me that I can’t have you right here and now, on your balcony. Because there's only this much I can handle.” 

You were trying to figure out what he meant. You had invited him over, you'd even hinted that you could “use some more practice”, you had technically left the decision to him. But then again, true to his word, never before had he been the first one to go for it, he had always waited for you to ask or make the first step. Until now. Now, he was already on top of you, and if you said yes, you knew it would not be because of the lessons. 

“What makes you think I don't want that? Sex with you under the stars sounds amazing honestly,” you said softly instead. His eyebrows shot up for a second, yet he didn't say anything. 

Instead, his lips crashed against yours once again, this time much more desperately, as if he was trying to take all of you at once. He pulled away again, only to drag his lips down your neck, biting down at the base of it. Your hand was still buried in his hair so you tugged on it harder, whimpering out and leaning your head to the side. 

“You can… leave hickeys if you want…” you mumbled, closing your eyes. “I’d like that.”

Jaemin started sucking on your skin harder, nibbling every now and then. You were lost in the feeling, his kisses felt like a blessing you had no idea whether you deserved. Your eyes opened up again only when you felt him pull away. You found him looking down at your neck as if contemplating his work. You didn't dare imagine what you looked like, because the idea of your neck covered in marks by him only fueled your arousal. 

“You are so beautiful, have I told you that before?” he asked and you chuckled, rolling your eyes a little. 

“Just now, I think,” you retorted. “And a few other times before that.” Yet you couldn’t deny the way your heart soared at his compliments. 

“I’m gonna keep saying it,” he smiled before lifting himself up and off of you. Before you could even question it, he pulled his shirt off and threw it to the side. “Help me out a little, there’s too many clothes on you at the moment.” 

Your top was the first one to go as soon as you sat up, Jaemin’s impatient fingers taking it off almost right away. Frantic hands traveling up and down his body, you were kissing him again, his hands around your waist and pressing you impossibly close to his body. 

You only pulled away to take a breath, meeting his eyes. There was a question in your eyes but he either didn’t see it or decided to ignore it. Instead, he pushed a strand of hair away from your face and pecked your lips.

“Are you sure that this is okay?” he asked reluctantly.

“Jaemin, I could not be more sure about it,” you replied, reaching up to cup his face in your hands. “It’s not just okay, you know? I want it. I want you.” 

His eyes widened a little at your words and he bit his lips. Did he understand what you meant? There was conflict on his face for a moment. Was he thinking about how to reject you? Or would he maybe, just maybe, reciprocate your feelings?

“If only you really did,” he muttered with a sigh, so quietly you barely heard it. 

But you did. And you froze. And what had been a tiny sense of hope before was now so clearly obvious you didn’t understand how you only realized it now. Your heart started thumping loudly in your chest. 

“No, I mean it,” you said quickly, but his eyes refused to meet yours. “Jaem, listen to me, I’m serious.” 

“I know, princess,” he finally looked at you again with a forced smile. “Ignore that, okay? Where were we?”

You tried to speak up again, but he didn’t give you a chance, kissing you again to stop you from speaking. Your resolve started to crumble. You could talk about it after, you told yourself. So you moved your hands down his body, reaching into his untied sweatpants to stroke him. You were not surprised to find him already hard, but it did make you smile in the kiss.

Jaemin groaned quietly at your touch and quickly helped you out of your shorts, then your underwear followed them. And suddenly you found yourself on Jaemin’s thigh, your bare pussy rubbing against the fabric of his sweatpants, and it made you let out a whimper. He chuckled quietly, leaning back on one of his arms, the other wrapping around your waist to support you.

“You said you want me, no?” he asked teasingly and you nodded quickly. “Come on then, show me how much.”

You didn’t need convincing, not with his commanding tone that sent shivers down your spine. You started rolling your hips, at first slowly, but the friction clouded your mind and holding back seemed impossible. Your head fell on his shoulder as moans escaped your mouth, and you were sure the way your nails were digging in his chest would leave marks. The fabric under you was sticky but you couldn’t bring yourself to care and he didn’t seem to mind either. 

“Such a good girl,” he hummed next to your ear and you shivered slightly. “Look at me, princess,” he asked and you forced yourself to lift your head. 

A finger tapped against your lips. It took you less than a moment of hesitation to open your mouth. Smirking a little to himself, Jaemin pushed two of his fingers in and you wrapped your lips around them, sucking gently and bringing your tongue around them. 

Maybe he didn’t expect you’d actually do it, or maybe he was surprised at how easily you obliged, but his jaw fell open with a soft smitten expression. 

“You never fail to amaze me,” he chuckled as he pulled his fingers out and you shrugged slightly with a small smile. 

“I do know a thing or two, y’know,” you said, yet as you’d stopped moving, the heat between your legs painfully reminded you of itself. “Jaem, please, can you fuck me already?” you pleased softly. 

“Your wish is my command,” he smiled, yet his smile dropped a little the next moment. “I don’t have lube in me though, it’s in my bag inside…” 

“It’s fine, I’ll be fine,” you reassured him. You could feel how wet you were already and you didn’t have the patience to wait. 

He hesitated for another long moment, before making you lift yourself so he could take off his sweatpants and underwear. He did pull a condom packet out of his pocket though before ditching the clothing items to the side. 

His fingers reached between your legs, two of his fingers teasing at your entrance for a second before he pushed them inside with ease. A hint of surprise passed on his face but he didn’t ponder on it, instead focused on spreading you out as much as he could before either of you lost your patience.

Then he put on the condom and flipped you two around so you could lay on your back as he finally pushed himself inside you carefully. You were genuinely amazed at his self-control to go slow on you. 

“You feel so good around me, princess,” he mumbled, pecking your lips. 

“And you feel good inside me,” you offered in return, smiling softly through tears pricking at your eyes. 

You could admit that it wasn’t as easy to get used to this time. He seemed to notice it too so he stroked your cheek gently, murmuring little praises to distract you as he waited for you to adjust.

When you finally felt comfortable enough, he started moving slowly. You expected him to speed up gradually like he did last time. But instead the rolls of his hips were slow and deep. His body was pressed flush against yours at almost all times and the heat was making your head spin in pleasure. 

You knew this wasn’t about physical pleasure only anymore. Not for you, and not for him either. It was so much more in many ways. 

You were close and he was too, you could feel it. So you wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him down in a kiss, as sweet and intimate as the way your bodies were moving together. When you finally slipped over the edge, your moan was swallowed in the kiss. He thrust inside you a few more times, reaching his own high not long after. 

For a short moment, you were in a daze as Jaemin slipped out of you and discarded the condom, then helped you put on your underwear and his own, taking a spare blanket and wrapping it around both of you as he pulled you in his arms. 

The warmth of his body next to yours, his arms wrapped tightly around you as he held you close. It felt like home. How had you been so blind all this time… 

“You’re amazing, you know that, right?” he whispered and you looked up to his face. He had never seemed so open and genuine before. 

Or maybe he had always been and you’d just never noticed. Whichever it was, your heart skipped a beat. Your eyes returned to the sky above you as you smiled. 

“There’s something special about this,” you started gently, hoping he’d understand you this time, “about this moment, about the stars tonight. And that something is you, Jaem.” 

He didn’t reply. But his lips pressed against your forehead softly, almost the ghost of a kiss. You waited for a few loud heartbeats more for him to speak up. And then you reached the conclusion that he wouldn’t. 

Stealing a glance, you found him looking at the stars with sadness in his eyes. And you realized he didn’t understand. 

“Nana, I need to talk to you,” you sighed, lifting yourself on one arm to look at him better. “About the deal and-”

“Let’s talk about it tomorrow,” he looked at you, smiling. A pained smile. And you could guess what he was thinking. 

“No, please, I need you to listen to me,” you almost pleaded but he shook his head and pulled you gently back in his arms. 

“Tomorrow, I promise,” he mumbled and pecked your lips. “For now, let’s get some rest, okay?” 

And you had a bad feeling about it. You knew that you shouldn’t postpone the conversation anymore. But sleep was already catching up to you, and he was warm and comfortable, and you felt safe in his arms…

And you were drifting away before you even knew it.

~

You woke up in your bed the next morning. Jaemin’s hand was wrapped around your waist loosely, breathing light and you guessed he was still asleep. He must have brought you in after you’d fallen asleep. You smiled to yourself, stroking his hair softly and he hummed in his sleep, nuzzling into the pillow. You held back a chuckle so as to not wake him up and carefully slipped out of the bed. 

You were still only in your underwear so you looked around to find something to wear and your eyes fell on his tshirt. You considered it for a moment and then slipped it on, heading downstairs. 

Bare feet tapping on the floor, you made your way to the kitchen and turned on the coffee machine. A side effect of all the time spent with Jaemin was that you knew how to prepare coffee the way he liked it so you decided to prepare it before he woke up. And you also started working on one for yourself. 

Just as the coffee smell filled the air, another person walked into the kitchen and you looked up at Jaemin, smiling. He’d put on some clothes. He took a moment just looking at you, probably taking in the sight of you in his shirt. 

“Morning, sleepy head,” you greeted, nodding towards the coffee machine. “You’re right on time, it’s almost ready.” 

Chuckling, he made his way over to you. 

“This is literally the hottest thing you’ve ever done, I could literally kiss you right now,” he said and you grinned. 

“I don’t see anything stopping you.” 

He took the invitation, leaning closer, his arms holding onto the counter on both sides of your body, trapping you in as he leaned down and pressed his lips against yours. 

When he pulled away, his eyes were ever so soft and you reached up to ruffle his hair, before turning around to turn off the machine and pour the coffee into two cups, then turning back to him and handing him his. He took a sip and signed happily. 

“This is what heaven must be like and you’re a literal angel,” he joked, eyes twinkling with happiness.

“Well I’m amazing, you know, or so I was been told last night at least,” you teased. 

You regretted it the second that his smile fell and he pulled away from you. You opened your mouth to ask what was wrong, but words caught in your throat as he walked to the other side of the kitchen and leaned back on the opposite counter, focusing on the cup in his hand with a guarded expression on his face.

“Nana, what’s wrong?” you finally voiced out. He didn’t reply, taking slow sips of his coffee. “Come on, tell me,” you pushed, “did I do something wrong or-”

“I think it’s time we drop the deal,” he said suddenly. You flinched. “You wanted to talk so let’s talk. There’s nothing else that you need to learn from me and I can’t keep doing this anymore.”

“Why?” you asked quietly. But you knew why - it was the same reason why you had considered calling it off yourself. 

“What do you mean why?” he scoffed, forcing himself to laugh. “We’re done with the course, it’s time that we stop… it’s time that you stop doing with me things you should be doing with the person you’re in love with.” 

You swallowed heavily and put your cup down on the counter walking over to him. Was it not obvious already? It had been obvious about Renjun, so why wasn’t he seeing it now? 

“But why should I stop, Jaem?” you asked and reached over to take his hand but he pulled it away. A sting of pain flashed through you. “You promised that you’d listen, you haven’t even heard yet what I want to say.”

“I don’t think I need to hear it,” he chuckled and you flinched. “I’ve made up my mind. It was fun while it lasted but it’s time it ends.” 

And to emphasize his words, he downed his coffee and walked over to the other room. His bag was already ready and you realized he had already decided to leave even before this conversation. You rushed after him but he was already at the door, putting on his shoes. 

“Will you just let me speak?” you asked, frustration evident in your voice. “Jaemin, I’m not gonna force you to keep giving me sex lessons, this is something completely different!” 

“It is,” he agreed as if you were on the same page. “The lessons have gone too far. Everything that happened last night proved it.” 

“So what, you’re afraid I’ll find out that you’re in love with me so you’ll run away before I can tell you my side?” Your frustration took the best of you. You hadn’t intended to say that. You should have just told him you loved him instead. But th words had already left your mouth and you couldn’t take them back now. 

His eyes widened in surprise for a second, then a sad smile curved his lips again. 

“Smart girl,” he praised, but it felt like a slap instead. “Give me some time, okay? A day or something, I can’t do this right now.” 

He hesitated for a second, then leaned down to peck your lips. And then he was out the door. 

You wanted to go after him, but you were stuck. He hadn’t even let you confess but you felt like he’d already rejected you. Tears pricked at your eyes and by the time you managed to make yourself open the door, he was gone. 

~ 

You’d texted him over 50 times already. You’d called almost as much. He was not responding in any way. 

You went to his house but his mother told you he hadn’t come back - she thought he was still with you. You dismissed her concern when she asked about your puffy eyes. 

You went to his favorite coffee shop but he wasn’t there. You went to the school campus even though it was Saturday and you knew he wouldn’t be there. You went to every other place you could think of. 

If he was avoiding you, you decided that you needed help finding him. You pulled out your phone, vaguely hopeful that he might have replied to your texts. He hadn’t. So you called Hyuck. Frustratingly enough, he also didn’t pick up. But you were desperate so you kept trying.

“For Christ’s sake, this better be an emergency,” he picked up finally, annoyance clear as day in his tone. In the background, you heard Karina’s concerned voice ask what was going on.

“Donghyuck, I’m sorry, it’s important,” you started, almost tripping over your words at the speed they were coming out of your mouth. “Jaemin has not been answering my texts, he’s not picking up my calls and I looked everywhere I could think of but I have no idea where he is and I need to talk to him.” 

There was a short silence. 

“The dumbass outed himself and he’s now scared of your reaction, isn’t he?” It could have been a lucky guess. But you knew better. 

“You knew about it?” you asked, a hint of betrayal in your voice. 

“Of course I did,” Hyuck sighed. “He’s been in love with you for a year and he’s almost as obvious about it as you.” You froze. 

“And you didn’t think to tell me about it from the beginning?” you nearly shouted at him. 

“Because it was not my business to meddle in his love life if he had decided to go through with this!” the boy defended himself. In the background, Karina seemed to have more questions now. He shushed her softly, before speaking up again. “Plus, first of all, I knew you’d come around and fall in love with him too, sooner or later! And I did warn you and try to hint it to you, okay? Do you think I did it because I enjoy watching one of my best friends suffer because of this dumb deal of yours? Just because he didn’t show it in front of you, doesn’t mean it was ever really okay. And I love you both, but I am tired of being your relationship therapist, okay? I don’t know where he is, but you’ll have to figure this out yourself.” 

The line was silent for a while.  A sense of guilt was choking you up. You’d barely gasped out an apology when the line went dead. You looked at the phone screen and Jaemin’s smile on the wallpaper made tears well in your eyes again. There had been a part of you in denial about the way you’d been hurting him but Hyuck’s words had forced you to realize it. For a year. You’d assumed he had fallen for you the same way you had. But you had been so wrong. 

As you scrolled through your contacts, you couldn’t help but laugh at the irony of what you were about to do. 

“Y/N?” Renjun asked with a hint of confusion. You’d always called him so rarely. “What’s up?” 

“Hey, uh…” you hesitated. “Do you happen to know where Jaemin is?” 

“Jaemin? No, I haven’t spoken to him today,” he replied, but his tone shifted to concern immediately. “Is everything alright? You don’t sound too good.” 

“Yeah, I’m…” you started, but what was the use in lying? “I did something really dumb and I need to talk to him but he’s avoiding me and I don’t know where to find him but I need to tell him that…” you took a short breath. You were still scared of the words. But if you could say it in front of Renjun, you could say it to Jaemin too. “That I love him.” 

“You need to tell him that?” Renjun asked, confused. “Doesn’t he know it already? I thought you two were dating and just didn’t want to tell us yet.” 

You couldn’t help but laugh. The whole situation was ridiculous. Of course, Jaemin wouldn’t tell him what was going on, not when he knew how important it was to you. But Renjun wasn’t dumb, of course he would see through the two of you. And from the pieces he had, of course he’d reach the most reasonable conclusion. 

“It’s… a bit more complicated than that,” you said. “And that’s exactly why I need to clear things with him. Please, I just need to find out where he is, can you help me?” 

“I’ll do my best,” he replied. You thanked him about four times before he finally convinced you that he’d need to hang up so he can call Jaemin. 

You waited anxiously to hear back from him. When you finally did, it was in the form of a text. ‘He’s at the city park near your place, but he might be heading home soon’.

The park. You hadn’t thought of the park. How could you not have thought of the park? 

Typing back a quick ‘thank you’, you immediately rushed out of your house. The walk was a daze, your mind only cleared once you saw a familiar cotton candy stall. And on a bench next to it was Jaemin. Taking a deep breath, you almost ran over. 

He looked up and flinched back in surprise as soon as he realized it was you in front of him. His lips formed a small o as he glanced down at his phone and realization hit him. He scoffed quietly and then looked up at you again.

“You look like a mess,” were his first words to you.

“Why would you agree to the stupid deal if you already had feelings for me, you idiot?” was your reply, equal parts desperation and relief washing over you. 

He sighed and nodded to the free spot next to him. You sat down, relieved that at least he didn’t try to run away again. 

“Donghyuck can’t keep his mouth shut, can he?” he chuckled, turning to look at you.

“No, Donghyuck kept it shut for too long,” you scowled. “But that doesn’t answer my question.”

“I did it because I was in love with you,” came his response. “I’d been in love with you for so long and you never even noticed. And you liked Renjun, so I didn’t say anything. But then you came to me, you wanted me. I knew it wasn’t the same, I knew your end goal was Renjun. But you were asking me for help, how can I say no when you need my help? So I said yes because I thought it would be fine. Because I was selfish and happy that I’d get a chance to be with you even if it had to be like this. And because I hoped that you might change your mind. But it became so hard to hold back, you know? To tell what was real and what I wanted to be real.” 

You fought back your tears. This wasn’t your place to cry. You had been the one to hurt him. 

“Jaem, I am so sorry that I made you go through that,” you said softly. “If I had known, I would have asked. I never meant to…”

“I know,” he shrugged. “You don’t need to apologize. I knew what I was agreeing to, I just thought I’d handle it better.” 

“No, listen,” you started again. “And I need you to actually listen this time. I never meant to hurt you, but I know that I did. So I do owe you an apology. But that’s not everything that I have to say. Yes, when we agreed on the lessons, I thought I wanted to be with Renjun. But the truth is that I really don’t. You say you hoped I’d change my mind, yet you are so oblivious to the fact that I actually did. The past months have been some of the happiest in my life, you know? I spent them with someone who laughed with me when I was happy, who held me tight when I was lonely. I spent them with a person who would always make me feel safe. A person that would smile at me bright enough to lighten up the worst of days, and look at me as if I am the most precious thing in his world. A person that would stick up little stars on my wall for hours even though nothing of it makes sense to him. Someone who sat through my favorite movie and loved it because it was my favorite movie. Someone that didn’t care about the stars but let me talk about them for an hour just because they made me happy. Someone that apparently cared more about me than about his own happiness.” 

You made a pause to recollect your spiraling thoughts. Jaemin was looking at you, wide eyes and mouth half open in surprise. And you knew the hope in his eyes and the way the corner of his lips was shyly trying to curve into a smile. 

“And yet when I told that someone that it’s him that I want, he thought I was lying. When I told him that he’s special, he refused to listen. And when I tried to tell him that I’m in love with him, he ran away. What I was trying to tell you since yesterday, Jaemin, is that I am in love with you. Have been for a while. It took me too long to realize but I mean it. You were jealous of the stars when there’s no need for you to be. I loved them because they made me feel at home. But you make me feel at home too. Na Jaemin, you make me feel like the stars do.” 

At first, he didn’t say anything. He was still staring at you with a smitten expression, yet the smile was back on his face. That beautiful smile that you loved more than anything else. Carefully, as if still in disbelief, he reached over to take your hand and you didn’t hesitate for a second to intertwine your fingers with his. 

“Like the stars?” He repeated. “Really?” 

“Yes,” you giggled, “like the stars. Like those big balls of hot gas billions of kilometers away.” 

“Oh, that makes it sound awful,” he cringed and you couldn’t help but laugh. “I’m sorry I ever called them that way. Let’s stick with stars”. 

“Okay, we’ll stick with stars,” you agreed. Your body was still buzzing from the emotional chaos it had been through, yet maybe it would all be okay in the end. “As long as you agree to stick with me. And I mean that as in, I want you to be my boyfriend, Nana.” 

He looked down at your intertwined fingers instead of replying. His eyes lit up when he noticed something. 

“You’re wearing the ring?” he asked, thumb rubbing over the piece of metal. 

“Haven’t taken it off since we got them,” you nodded. “It was that date that made me realize that I love you so I didn’t wanna risk losing it. Back then I didn’t know you liked me too so I had to cling onto the memory.” 

“How fitting that I chose to come here then,” he smiled as he lifted your hand to press a kiss on the back of your palm. “I didn’t think you’d agree to the date. I almost wanted to tell you back then, but you didn’t see it as a real date and I figured it wasn’t a good time.” 

“I did see it as a real date,” you admitted. “But you would have saved us all this trouble if you’d told me back then.” 

“And miss that pretty speech of yours?” he raised his eyebrows. “No way, I’d rather run away again so you’d have to come up with an even better one.” 

“Don’t you dare,” you rolled your eyes, yet a grin spread your lips as you squeezed his hand.

“Fine, fine,” he chuckled.

“You still haven’t answered my question,” you pointed out, nibbling your lip a little anxiously.

“What question?” he looked at you and he was either generally confused or pretending really well. You sighed and shook your head. 

“I literally asked if you’d be my boyfriend and you said nothing,” you pouted, reaching down with your free hand to play with his fingers. 

“Oh, that,” he laughed and you glared at him. “I didn’t realize it was a question. I thought it’s pretty clear that I want that.” 

You shook your head and sighed in disappointment - not in his answer, just his approach to the topic. Yet you couldn’t fight the smile spreading your lips once again. You’d made some dumb decisions along the way, yes, and you’d been too oblivious to see. But Jaemin loved you and wanted to be with you. And you loved him. And the sun was shining softly, and Jaemin’s smile was shining too and he was next to you, holding your hand. 

“Like the stars, right?” he asked suddenly and you looked at him confused. He chuckled and leaned down to peck your nose before repeating his words. “Like the stars, you said.” 

“Why are you so stuck on that?” you giggled. 

“Because I saw the way you look at the stars, you know? You say they make you feel at home, but you look like they make you feel so much more than that. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you look as happy as you were when talking about them. And you kinda look the same way right now, so if I am the reason…” 

“You really didn’t see it before?” you tilted your head in amusement. “That I am the happiest when I’m with you?” 

“So… like the stars?” 

“Yes, Jaemin. Like the stars.” 

~

Epilogue

~

You were sitting with your friends in the school cafeteria during lunch break as usual. Taking a sip of your drink, you only now realized that by mistake you had taken a strawberry milk bottle instead of orange juice like you had intended to. A small pout curved your lips as you set the small bottle on the table.

“What's wrong, princess?” Jaemin asked, concerned as he noticed your displeasure. You shook your head slightly. 

“Nothing, I just picked up the wrong drink by mistake, I wanted orange juice,” you answered, sad eyes fixed on the now very obvious mistake. Really, how had you even managed to mix the two up? 

“Oh,” was his reaction at first. Then after a moment, he smiled and swapped your drink with his own - a bottle of orange juice. “Here, have mine.”

“Jaem- you hate strawberry milk,” you argued, trying to switch them back but he stopped you, grabbing your wrist with one hand as his other one pushed a strand of hair behind your ear. 

“It's okay, as long as you’re happy I will be fine,” he smiled, loving eyes looking at you. You pouted even more now, torn between not wanting to let him ‘sacrifice’ himself for you and the warmth in your chest. 

“You guys are disgusting,” Donghyuck crashed the moment with a roll of his eyes. “I swear, ever since you got together, it's like I'm a side character in a cringy rom-com.”

“I think they're cute,” Renjun joined in, hitting Hyuck's arm. “Let them have their honeymoon phase, no one questioned you when you made, like, three different playlists just about how whipped you are for Karina.”

“You did what?” your best friend asked, scoffing. She burst out laughing at the way Hyuck's ears turned red as he tried to deny everything. “Loser,” she rolled her eyes, yet none of you were fooled to miss the loving tone in her voice. “Anyways, speaking of, you two never really told us how you got together. I didn’t even know something was going on between you until I overheard a very strange half of a phone call. Obviously, I want the details,” she said, now turning to you and Jaemin with raised eyebrows. 

“Oh, yes please, give us the details, we’re burning to know,” Hyuck grinned menacingly, clearly glad to not be the topic anymore. 

“Uh…” You looked at Jaemin and found him already looking at you as if letting you tell the story however you want to. You could lie, of course. But you didn't really want to. “It was kind of dumb, like… remember those English lessons? Well, they never happened… actually, I… asked him to teach me how to have, uh, sex…”

“May I, perchance, ask why the hell you would do that?” Karina asked, apparently Donghyuck had really not been whipped enough to break his promise to you. Then realization lit up her eyes and she shook her head slightly. “That’s why you were asking about…”

You were burning with embarrassment just thinking about the whole thing now, but you figured if not the people on this table, who would you even share this with.

“Well, I was scared because I had no experience with boys before this, and I had this crush on, well,” you looked at Renjun awkwardly, realizing he was the only one you hadn’t mentioned your crush to before, “you, and I was just afraid that I'd disappoint you. So I asked him to teach me so that I could feel more confident to confess. But, uh, yeah, things didn’t go according to that plan.” 

“Touching story for the grandkids,” Hyuck said sarcastically, while Karina tried to holding back from laughing, not very successfully whatsoever.

Renjun had not said anything yet and you looked at him, kind of scared of how he'd react. But whatever you had imagined, you hadn't expected his answer. 

“Oh, darling, I do appreciate the effort and I’m glad I could help you two, but,” he started, chuckling a little. “Did the guys not tell you that I'm gay?” 

(Turns out that Jaemin didn't have the heart to tell you, plus he hoped to really win you over, not just have you because your other option was gay. Hyuck simply found it hilarious. You proceed to murder Donghyuck for his crimes against humanity (you). You end up drawing a lot of attention but the immediate death of Lee Donghyuk is more important.) 

~

taglist: @jaeymark @okokoksblog @multihoe-net @jaemboi64 @bythe8 @sweetjaemss @magnificentjudgemoneyhands @jsjcue @sunshinedhyuck @luvdroids @wanlore @marklexleaf @back2jisung @taehyungmami @the-midnight-arthouse @multifandombtvh @chichhihaa @nctevia @thiccfullsun @hwanunjin @dinochocochip @keemburley @paintandwine @fairypothos @jaemints @dreams-in-different-colours @faesficfix @pradagukkie @leaz-kpop-life

[surely-galena]

The NXX Boys and the Myth of Icarus

WC: 1.5K

If you've read enough of my work, you'll probably notice that I make a decent number of Classical Allusions, usually to Greek mythology. Examples I can think of off the top of my head are an allusion to Eros and Psyche in my Vyn Wonderland fic and an allusion to Daedalus in the fic where Celestine writes a book about Artem's love life.

I want to specifically talk about the Icarus myth in this post and how each boy might relate to it. Because Icarus is a fascinating tale to allude to -- it's one of the most well-known Greek myths -- and I think each of the boys would see themselves in the story in slightly different ways.

Disclaimer: you don't have to agree with my take on this! I just think it's a fun concept to think about :D

I'm going to begin by sorting each boy into two categories: flying and falling.

Artem and Vyn. Flying

I've put Artem and Vyn in this category because in this particular case, I see them both as characters who view MC as the sun they are flying toward.

When people talk about the fall of Icarus, it's occasionally linked to a warning about going too far when you shouldn't have.

And I think this is most applicable to Artem, at least only in his head. I get the idea that Artem views his relationship with MC as a sort of leap of faith. It's not a calculated, logical risk, it's more of a hopeful wish -- a wish that might not catch him when he eventually finds himself falling. He wants to get to know MC in a genuine, human way, but part of him is afraid of getting too close, of acting on his feelings. And while he doesn't want her to see him as totally perfect like everyone else, he also doesn't want to force her into anything. In a way, he sees himself as flying into new, dangerous territory.

With Artem, his wings are held together by perfection, or at least the image of perfection. The closer he flies to MC, and the more time she spends with him, the more she realizes that he's just like anyone else -- a person with their own hopes and struggles and fears.

With Artem as Icarus, falling then becomes a good thing. While there is fear involved as he flies toward the MC sun -- the fear of not being enough, the fear of rejection, the fear of failure, etc. -- the fall is not inherently a bad thing. The fall, once the perfection has been seared off, is vulnerability. And for Artem, this is a good thing because he wants to be real with MC. It's a scary thing, but in the long run, it'll even out the balance in the their relationship.

Artem is afraid of the fall.

But deep down, he is already embracing his fate.

I now turn the metaphorical page and present something I think is sort of interesting.

With Vyn, flying too close to the sun also leads to increased vulnerability. But unlike Artem, Vyn perceives this as a bad thing. If his wings are glued together with self-preservation (via the front he puts on), that is also going to have to melt away the closer he gets to MC. And he is still learning to be okay with that, to be flawed and open and vulnerable with her.

It is impossible to get to know a person and not know their flaws, and the game has made an effort to show the reader, and occasionally MC (I do make a distinction between them here) that Vyn is undeniably flawed. SR 'Mercury in Retrograde' comes to mind here.

I think that deep down, Vyn is afraid that he is -- at his imperfect, human core -- not enough for MC. He already views her as a ray of light/hope in a world he perceives to be inherently dark and cruel. He wants to be reliable for her, he wants to be the person she contacts when she needs help, and he never wants to let her down. But in doing so, Vyn is actually compromising himself because he's preventing MC from connecting with him on a deeper level. @actualbird has a really great Vyn vs. Artem analysis here.

Vyn does not want to fall.

But, unfortunately for him, the fall is inevitable.

Luke and Marius. Falling

In relation to Icarus and the sun, Luke and Marius' circumstances are different. In their case, they've already flown too close to the sun. The wax is melting, their wings are coming apart, and they are descending into the ocean.

And in both of their cases, I posit that the sun is not MC.

Here, I also make the distinction that unlike Icarus (and perhaps Artem and Vyn), Luke and Marius don't necessarily make the choice to deliberately fly toward the sun. Rather, it is something else that pushes them to the limit.

For Luke, the sun is the event that killed all of his teammates and left him with an illness and a death date. In his head, he's flown too close, and now he is left dealing with the consequences of his actions -- actions he is convinced are his own fault.

I don't think it's clear in the story whether or not Luke blames himself for the event (which I think was out of his control), but I think he would harbor quite a bit of trauma from the incident. Every single one of his teammates was killed, and he was left the only survivor. Knowing Luke and his tendency to blame himself for mistakes he sees as his own, it's possible that he's beating himself up for not doing enough back then, for not planning enough, for not being enough.

Maybe part of Luke even believes that he deserves the fall.

In Luke's perspective, it's only a matter of time before he slams into the ocean and is forever swallowed by its waters. He has a time limit he's paying pretty close attention to, and many of his earlier stories have him mentally preparing to leave MC again, to put her before himself without thinking about what she wants.

Luke is falling, and he is waiting for the eventual impact.

But here is where MC comes in. With MC, he is learning to fight his own deep-seated fears. He is learning to be more open with her, to be as vulnerable with her as she is with him. (Huh, maybe the real fall was vulnerability all along.) With MC, Luke is learning to stop seeing himself as a burden and as someone with value. Even though he's making small steps, he's still moving forward.

After Luke's wings fall apart, his future is uncertain.

But maybe there are good moments to be found even during the fall.

And now I switch to Marius. For him, the sun is the spotlight that landed on him after Giann disappeared.

Marius was born into the spotlight -- he never chose to be in it. Giann's disappearance was out of his control, Pax practically fell into his hands, and he was forced to use fabricated family drama (the Pax civil war) as an excuse for Giann not being around. Marius was forced too close to the sun, and as a result, he loses the ability to truly be himself. He's not a dreaming artist in Florence any longer, he's a CEO in charge of a massive company.

When Marius is pulled too close to the sun, what melts away from his wings is self-sacrifice. His privacy, his true self, his own hopes and dreams and fears: these are all things he has to keep under lock and key. And if these are the feathers on his wings, he is trying desperately to hold them together, to keep them hidden from vicious eyes and power-hungry hands. He is trying to keep himself from falling.

I paint a picture of Marius as someone who is constantly, whether he likes it or not, giving. And if he is not giving, he is letting go. Because he is not enough to hold himself together, and so he lets others take away from him. And most of the time, the things that are taken away are false: Stellis' public perception of him, the way he navigates the business world, and the perceived way he runs his company.

With so much taken away, Marius' wings are not enough to hold him. They are not enough to keep him flying. And so he falls, just another celebrity who shines for a moment in the spotlight before flickering out.

Where MC comes in, perhaps ironically, is as an anchor. She is one of the few people Marius trusts to be himself around. She helps to hold him together so he does not break under the pressure and completely fall apart. And even as he falls, she is not exactly pulling him down, but trying to hold him in place.

Marius never wanted to fall.

But at least he has someone who keeps him from spiraling out of control.

[itsclydebitches]

I kinda wonder, what could bakugou do (hori write bakugou to do) to make him less popular with the "anti" crowd. Like He was a horrid child no doubt and people who try to put blame on Deku or lessen the terrible shit bakugou did aren't great. But as we don't rly see it, we have to assume bakugous behaviour wasn't stopped, we only ever saw his mum "punishing" him when he was being rude after getting kiddnapped. Nothing will excuse what bakugou did, but he has stopped? He's overall a harsh person but he's not harrassing and bullying people anymore, specifically not deku, he's trying to attone for what he did to deku and has now apologised for it. His behaviour was never viewed as justified or good in the series, he's a scary figure in middle school, we're not meant to like his behaviour, so the series itself hasn't justified his actions.

As someone who relate to both bakugou and deku more than I'd like to admit (never told someone to jump tho, that's fucked lol) so I can 100% understand not liking or even hating bakugou but as someone who's not 15 anymore, looking back I also made a lot of really shitty decisions and like bakugou have tried to make up for it, and like deku I was 'friends' with people who hurt me.

Is there anything he can do for the "antis" to just dislike him rather that be "anti"?

(I'm very sorry if you've talked about this somewhere, you can just tell me to look for it if you have, I'll continue to look for your posts on the subject)

Hey there, anon! I think I’ve spoken about this only tangentially and/or in my main Bakugo meta, which is too big for anyone sane to read. So yeah, let’s chat here!

For me personally—and that’s all I can ever do: speak personally. I think it’s important to keep in mind that there is no single solution to please the “anti” crowd. Each fan will be looking for something slightly different in Bakugo’s character, much of which might contradict what a “stan” is currently enjoying. Given how charged a character he is, I'm not sure it's possible to get the entire fandom to like him—what I’m looking for hinges on having a different reading of the story than you seem to. Meaning, I think the series does justify his behavior. Not in any overt, super obvious way like having all the characters go, “Wow, Bakugo! I sure do love how you threaten people all the time. That’s super cool and heroic!” Things are rarely that straightforward. Rather, it’s in a more subtle, but consistent manner that paints a rather conclusive picture across hundreds of chapters.

Simply put, Bakugo is continually rewarded for his actions. Or, if not outright rewarded, his actions are ignored in a way that implies silent acceptance. Characters may not always like what he does... but they're willing to let it slide because Bakugo's heroism was always treated as a given, not something he had to earn and prove.

With the ever necessary disclaimer that I’m not fully caught up yet, here’s a list of some of the things that stood out to me in the first half of the series:

Bakugo’s bullying made him the most popular kid in school.

Bakugo’s bullying was ignored by/outright supported by the teachers.

Bakugo’s bullying did not hinder him from getting into U.A., one of the most prestigious hero schools around.

Despite acting horribly throughout his time at U.A. too, this behavior was continually ignored by the teachers and other authority figures around him.

Bakugo’s struggle to realize that other people aren’t “trash” doesn’t hurt his achievements in any way. He still gets top scores, still wins the tournament, etc.

Bakugo’s behavior gets him special attention from All Might, the greatest hero and Bakugo’s personal idol.

His behavior doesn’t make others dislike him in any manner that’s taken seriously. Everybody is still willing to not just put up with Bakugo, but—in time—start treating his behavior as a quirk (no pun intended lol) that they’re secretly fond of, rather than something he should legitimately be striving to change. Kirishima is the most overt example of this.

This is compounded by his behavior constantly being framed as humorous. Much like with Mineta’s perverted actions, characters might superficially go, “No, that’s bad!” but the story never demands any significant development because then we’d lose the “joke” of Bakugo screaming in rage at the slightest inconvenience, threatening to murder someone over nothing, constantly belittling everyone around him in a “funny” manner, etc. When fans talk about development of a manga character as archetypal and extreme as Bakugo, most don’t really want to see significant change to his base personality. Because then that would result in someone who doesn’t look like the “real” Bakugo: someone nicer, more even-tempered, more mature, etc. But for those of us who were never drawn to that personality in the first place, the continued acceptance of his rude, egotistical, and violent behavior is discomforting. The easiest comparison I can draw is between this and Bakugo’s mother slapping him. That slap is meant to be another “joke”—we see it constantly in shonen anime, something "humorous" you shouldn’t take too seriously because haha, it's just an overprotective mother—but many fans do take it seriously, using it as the basis for a whole “Bakugo was abused and this explains his behavior” reading. Well, I take the “joke” of Bakugo’s threats and insults seriously, especially in a story that starts with something like telling Izuku to jump off the roof. In the same way that many fans want others to treat Bakugo’s mother as a serious topic that has had a negative influence on his development, I want the series to take Bakugo’s everyday actions seriously as a negative influence on… well, everyone around him. But it doesn’t. His base personality is grudgingly adored.

The above two points are seen most overtly in Izuku, who never wavers in his respect for Bakugo despite how Bakugo treats him. Not just prior to U.A., but during their training too. Izuku, as the protagonist, is the emotional heart of this tale, so when he talks about how inspiring Bakugo is, it encourages the reader to see his behavior as inspiring too. Rather than, as said, something that needs to change. Izuku's continued friendship with Bakugo, his adoration of him, and his acceptance of the way he's treated has severely warped how the entire story sees Bakugo's actions. After all, if #pure Izuku can see the good in Bakugo, why can't everyone else? He must not be that bad after all.

I could get into detailed analyses of all the above—like how Bakugo was the one comforted after attacking Izuku outside the dorms at night and how the messed up relationship he has with Izuku is upheld as something to nurture; how the remedial courses he had to take were made to be rather silly, thereby undermining their supposed importance to his development; how Bakugo’s kidnapping had nothing to do with his flaws, but much of the fandom uses it as a way to dismiss any appropriate consequences because, “Hasn’t he suffered enough?” etc.—but in the interest of keeping this within a readable length, I’ll leave it at that. The point is that Bakugo has always been privileged when it comes to his behavior, resulting in others either outright praising it, ignoring it, or demanding that he change a miniscule bit, which always keeps him far below the standards of both his peers and the expectations of a hero. Everyone in 1-A must learn to be even better than the good people they already are... Bakugo needs to learn that other people aren't dirt at the bottom of his shoes. It's never been a particularly impressive development when pit against the rest of the class. All of which can make something like an apology feel pretty hollow. Yes, he’s apologized and I say with all seriousness that that’s great! But how does that apology stack up against 300+ chapters of content? As Bakugo’s words highlight, he's been a really awful person up "until now": he was consumed by Izuku being “miles ahead of [him],” he “looked down on [him]” because he didn’t have a quirk, he “didn’t want to recognize that,” he “hated that,” “grew distant,” “tried to beat you down,” “opposed you and tried to show my superiority over you,” and ends it all with, “it probably doesn’t mean anything telling you all this” before finally getting to the “I’m sorry.” This is basically a laundry list of how horrible a person Bakugo has been for the entire series, with an acknowledgement that this apology is coming really, really late. This is the moment where I could START to like Bakugo, depending on how he acts form here on out, but that pivotal moment arrived after six years of content and in the final arc of the story. It’s too late. Bakugo needed this kind of self-reflection and positive action 250+ chapters ago so he could (hopefully) grow into a better person across the story, not at the story's end. What we got instead is 322 chapters of him being a really horrible person, but the story going out of its way to excuse or even praise that behavior the majority of the time.

As a quick comparison to end on, I think what Bakugo needed was what Soo Jin got in True Beauty. You don’t need to have seen the drama to follow along. The tl;dr is that she has a lot of the core qualities of Bakugo: an all-consuming drive to win that was created due to abusive parents with high expectations, resulting in her bullying a peer to a pretty horrific extent. The difference between them is how the story frames their actions. When Soo Jin becomes the bully she loses everything. Rather than succeeding academically, her grades plummet, making it clear that this anxiety and self-doubt (things the fandom keeps insisting Bakugo is struggling with, but that rarely ever show up in the text) is actually impacting her day-to-day life. Her best friend drops her because she’s not going to support her choices. The boy she likes rejects her. She’s eventually forced to start over somewhere new - which importantly separates her from the girl she was bullying - and get some distance from her parents, resulting in the growth needed to become a healthier, happier, good person again. So when Soo Jin apologizes to the girl she hurt, it feels earned. The story continually recognized how horrific her actions were and put her into a place where she either had to change, or continue losing at everything else that was important to her. Bakugo? Bakugo doesn’t lose. Oh, he claims he does because he’s comparing himself to Izuku constantly, but that’s just him thinking in extremes. He still wins academically. Still wins many battles. Still wins at having friends. Still wins by maintaining the prestige of being a U.A. student. Still wins by getting All Might’s attention. Still wins by receiving Izuku’s respect and an agreement to maintain this rivalry that Bakugo is so obsessed with. Bakugo comes out well 99% of the time, he just thinks he's "lost" because he can't stand not being the absolute best.

For me, the story needed to have Bakugo face consequences for his behavior, not receive rewards and/or have others ignore it, and that revelation/apology needed to come way, way sooner. For me the issue is not a specific action that Horikoshi can have Bakugo do in the next chapter and them bam, I like him now. The problem is Bakugo’s entire concept, how he’s received by the entire cast, and his run across this entire series. "Entire" is the key word there. Which is why the “But he’s apologized. What more do you antis want?” reactions don’t sit well. What we wanted is a better written redemption arc across those 300+ chapters, not a single scene that’s meant to have us forget all the other problems inherent in the story. At this point it’s a far more complicated situation than, “Bakugo just needs to do X, Y, and Z and then we’re golden.” At the end of the day, Horikoshi failed to make me like him as a person and I’m pretty sure he isn’t going to change Bakugo enough to make him likable to me. Bakugo was never the sort of character I’d be inclined towards without a serious, nuanced redemption arc, but sadly, a core, crucial part of that redemption arc took six years to arrive. At this point there’s no way to change the problems in Bakugo’s writing for that huge chunk of the series and not enough time left in the series, it seems, to do the work we should have seen across the entire run. Honestly, idk if the Bakugo we'll get going forward is someone I can just dislike as opposed to being really uncomfortable with, but my money is on there being too little story left and too much investment in upholding Bakugo's base personality for that to happen. I could absolutely be proven wrong! But I think the problems are structural and needed to be better dealt with from page one, not hastily patched over in the final hour.

[televinita]

I do, in fact, LOVE DRIVING (all caps included).

Disclaimer: I do not love or even enjoy driving downtown in big cities or on freeways with more than 3 lanes on each side (unless I can stay in one lane the whole time). I avoid those areas like the plague or make my husband drive me there whenever possible. Also I hate going out in winter if there's even a chance it might be slightly slippery, or if it's snowing more than very lightly. Also, manual transmission is the stone age devil and I would rather quit driving altogether than learn how to use a stick shift.

BUT. I do love it in general.

Every time a post goes around about how public transportation is sooooo awesome and don't you wish there was more support for it so we could all drive less, I shudder. I already can't afford a house, multi-night vacations, retirement before age 70; frankly even pet ownership is getting difficult cost-wise, between pet rent and the higher standard rental rate on the places that will let you have one. My own car, the freedom to go wherever I want whenever I want as long as I have the time, is the one pleasure I can reasonably expect to have the same way my parents did.

But more to the point, it's not just the freedom, I like the process of driving. There are so few hands-on tasks I am skilled at in this world, and while I cannot reverse at an angle well even w/ a backup camera, and would rather walk 3 miles or stay home than attempt to parallel park, I LEARNED THIS.

And it's fun. On occasion I have thought, "it would be kinda cool to have a job where I drive for a living!", until I remember that I am way too scared of piloting anything larger than a minivan (which is what I somehow got my license in btw), and also I don't like to drive other people. Also the winter-driving thing.

But my car & I are friends; she's small and easy to maneuver. I like flipping all the switches to make blinkers and wipers happen, knowing how much pressure to apply to the gas and brake pedals and when, being able to judge whether it's safe to make a left turn on a flashing yellow arrow or if that guy is clearly going above the speed limit so normally yes, but right now mmm, better not.

There are few greater joys in life than taking a drive out on rural roads -- you can go almost as fast as a freeway, but there are waaaaay fewer cars so you can often also go slower and enjoy the scenery if you prefer. But suburbs/small towns and the outskirts of cities are still fun. That's one reason I love my Adventure Days, where I sally forth to estate sales and book sales all over the metro area if I'm even slightly interested. Part of it's the destination, but part of it is also absolutely the feeling of being in control of my own mini quest. The feeling of being in a moving car, also, is a very pleasant and relaxing one -- but I get sleepy as a passenger unless I'm reading. I can enjoy it better when I'm behind the wheel.

Also great: late-night driving. I don't feel safe stepping off my property alone after 9:30 PM even in my relatively safe suburban neighborhood, except during the height of summer where there's still light until nearly 10. But I can be out in my car at midnight, just driving for the sheer pleasure of it, and it's very peaceful (especially as the volume of traffic tends to drop drastically after 9-10pm around here so there's less of the 'augh-oncoming-headlights' unpleasantness. although even that can be solved by sticking to back roads or roads with a wide median).

tl;dr I HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS and if the temperature weren't hovering in that "above freezing in daylight, below freezing at night" zone lately, I would probably be going out for a night drive right now.

inspired by my own horrible relationship with driving — a poll!

[r4zzled4zzletime]

saw john doe edit

had thought:

John saying "you broke my heart" to Harley and then possibly —depending on playthrough — hearing the same thing from Bruce is so powerful

Rant

Turned out to be a really long rant/hypothesis/short essay idk lol

Arguably, John realises that whatever he's had going on with Harley was incredibly off-balance — possibly even more than what he has with Bruce, depending on your feelings/playthrough — somewhere during the bridge scene. Maybe a bit before, but right there and then something hits him hard enough to say that to Harley.

John's emotions might seem to be all over the place from our (Bruce's/player's) point of view. However, that doesn't mean John doesn't know how he feels nor does it stop him from expressing his feelings if they're frustrating, confusing, or big enough. Case in point: John points out Bruce's distrust towards him after the Bat places a tracker on him. I assume this expression of disappointment isn't a one time thing, based on John's talk about Bruce's and his off-balanced relationship in the Fun House.

So, during the blockage of the bridge, something ticks John off (pun not intended). The question is: what? Harley's manoeuvres, thinking she has him wrapped around her finger? Bruce's trust, letting him speak with Harley? Memories of their time together? The realisation that they're standing opposite of each other instead of together? All of this and more?

If we assume that you play nice: Bruce still starts off the relationship by using John, but they do befriend each other nonetheless.

Disclaimer: I don't know whether what I'm about to say can take place in the game. Let's look at this hypothetically, like a story, a possibility.

So, you're friends, maybe a bit bumpy but friendly enough for John to face off Harley and tell her she's broken his heart.

What if, the shooting and distrust of the Agency afterwards, is enough for John to take the villain route? I think that especially the possibility of seeing Bruce choose to protect Waller instead of him, who was also at gunpoint, could trigger a 180 in John.

After this whole ordeal John runs off — well, let's himself fall into the water — with a heart in turmoil. I imagine him getting so incredibly frustrated with everything and everyone, including himself, that he just breaks. Like a snake, John sheds an old and useless skin and creates a new one: a strong one, a defensive one, an assertive one — Joker. Additionally, I believe that Joker could either go back to Harley — seeing they're pretty much on the same side again— like canonically in the game, or leave her due to resentment.

Let's say what comes next, would be pretty much the same as Telltale invisioned it; the games, hurting and threatening the city all happen, and at last, the rooftop scene.

Bruce, beaten up, shaken up by all he's learned of his friends, and honestly, above all, tired, runs after Joker — who he still sees as John.

Extra subject to rant about at a different moment: Bruce insisting Joker is the same John he knows, or at least, that he can get through Joker to John, is really sad.

Once he catches up with John, Bruce decides to yell: "You've broken my heart, John!" — the very same words John spoke to Harley, said by the person that was supposed to be her opposite. Being on the receiving end of something you said to someone that hurt you, must sting, a lot.

So Joker lashes out, to protect, but also to stop himself — John — from resurfacing and suffering.

Because it is unfair! It is unfair to hear that he's on the wrong side! For him to end up where people he wants to loath (note: assuming the Harley thing hit hard) are, opposite Bruce Batman ('Bruce' has too much emotional value, so Joker depersonalises him), must be a cruel joke!

And so — through pain caused, as well as experienced, lack of guidance through the ambiguities of life, and yearning for control over life's unjust jokes — John becomes a repressed memory and Joker evolves into Gotham's own bred, born and raised...villain or victim?

You deserve a cookie for reading all of that. Here, have some: ✨🍪🍪🍪✨

I guess I really needed to let all of that out, huh. After all, I haven't really rambled about this to anyone because I really don't want to be judged for making their relationship this intense and even possibly, slightly romantic in a complicated way.

This is tumblr though, so I can hide behind my silly nickname and just throw things that are on my mind into the void of the internet.

(it's 1 AM)