#disappointing the 3 people who regularly see and engage with my art posts

[igneouswyvern]

i have a lot of stuff i want to draw still but first i decided to try and overhaul my artstyle to improve my proportions and anatomy, which Fucking Sucks. so you might not see art from me for a while

[st-dorothy-minority]

Fic Writing & Fandom Nostalgia

To any/all that checked out my HH fic "You Didn't Know," I want to sincerely thank you. I loved writing every bit of it and sharing it. Reading the comments brought me so much joy. Seriously, I got so giddy seeing a new email come through with a comment!

If you read the latest chapter shortly after I posted it, you may have missed the note I added saying it was going into an indefinite hiatus. I'm calling it quits on writing. (Maybe for now, maybe forever)

I go through periods where I want to "burn it all down" because I get caught up in the comparison game. My writing isn't as good or creative as other authors. I never get as much attention or comments as other authors, and I have nowhere near the popularity level of artists. I think of all the ways my writing sucks and "why didn't I come up with *that* idea? They're so good (author or artist), why do I even bother putting out my stuff? No one would notice if I just disappeared and stopped posting."

I've been working on my tumultuous relationship with fic and fandom in therapy (yes, it's embarrassing to have to explain what fandom/fic is to your therapist 😅), and what I've found at the core is the longing for connection. I keep thinking it will happen, that I'll connect with a reader (or readers), or that I'll get more comments in order to make said connections happen (and receive the validation I am unfortunately conditioned to need), and when it doesn't happen, there's significant disappointment and feelings of worthlessness.

I haven't seen people talk about this, but the way people engage in fandom is so different than it was when I first started 2 decades ago. Back then, there were limited sites people would post to (livejournal, fanfiction.net, and DeviantArt being the main 3 imo), so there was more opportunity to really get to know others. You had your own little communities and friendships formed beyond the centralized community and it spilled over into people's personal LJ's and even the exchange of phone numbers. People left comments regularly on art and fic alike.

Now, there are so many sites to post on, so many more people in fandom (especially with it being more "acceptable" nowadays), and it's much easier to just leave a like/kudos and move on to the next thing rather than staying and engaging. Of course, there are some people who make a name for themselves in a particular fandom and have their regulars who engage, but for the most part - people just don't put in the same kind of effort to engage with the work/creator as they did when I was just starting out. And reading a fic? That takes a lot of effort!! So I can see why fanarts gets way more likes and reblogs than a fic because there's more time that has to be invested to read rather than just look and like.

I miss when I had fandom friends and how we all kind of knew each other. I miss genuine connection. I miss sharing my interests with someone who loves it like I do and will geek out with me.

If any of this resonated, I'm glad I'm not alone 😅💜 just something that has really been on my mind and needed to get it out.

[sea-changed]

vermiculated replied to your post: vermiculated replied to your post...

I can't believe I missed this until now! wow! Here I am, here you are, there are books and words between us. wonderful. thank you.

<3 <3 <3

I have to tell you that I read Olivia Waite's new ff and it has exactly this problem. It is as though both heroines are mealy-mouthed and forgettable so that the reader won't be offended by reading a book about women. Their only flaws are caring too much, wanting appropriate twenty-first century style recognition (ahistoricism doesn't bother me but as I was reading it, I thought, @sea-changed​ is going to be livid) and accidentally misunderstanding one another...

also attempted financial abuse. which I mention separately because it added a note of the glass armonica to the music of the spheres. how is ff so inadequate to our desires?

Oh no, this is terribly disappointing to hear; I’d been holding out some amount of hope for this one, though that was probably folly on my part. Why, in a subgenre written by and wholly about women, can the seemingly fairly standard “women are people” concept continually fail to gain ground? I’ll still read this, as it’s waiting for me on my phone and the upcoming semester promises to require mindless stress-reading, but I’ll be extremely irate about it. (I always think I can be magnanimous about ahistoricism in romance novels, which is obviously a lie, but it is good to be known like this.)

re: re: 34, I love the sweeping romantic sentiment because they manage to meet in the middle only when they both understand themselves to be ludicrously devoted. It didn't quite feel like a romance novel, you are correct -- there's a bit of neither fish nor fowl here? I personally feel that the natural second-half plot ought to have been shoring up how Richard and David love one another despite their respective troubled backstories rather than ...

...advancing the political thriller from "A Seditious Affair" and developing a coherent moral world. Which is what novels are oriented toward: why do people do what they do, despite everything? In romance, they do it because they love one another (or they're supposed to) whereas I think more complicated motives such as you discuss are much rarer.

oh, novels!, I say, like I live inside Tony Trollope's vision. I think the book tries to have it both ways and ends up being slightly frustrating for all readers. just write two books, Kimberly! Kimberly is what I call her when I am trying to hector her from afar. dear Kimberly, please have Susan stab Templeton. xo.

“Just write two books” is honestly what it comes down to: it feels like two books, and while I get that the political thriller part allowed David to be David to to requisite degree, after how gracefully it was cleaved to the romance plot in Seditious Affair it felt a bit tacked-on here. And while I’m certainly not opposed to moral ambiguity in my ships, the genre formula seems to require that said ambiguity, if there is any to begin with, be neatly swept under the rug; it’s really the sweeping I have the problem with rather than the ambiguity itself. (Because like, should Richard be fucking his valet? No! That’s a pretty open-and-shut one. Which certainly doesn’t mean I’m opposed to watching it happen, but I’d like fewer bows on my endings, I guess. Did you know Gentleman’s Position was the first book of the series I read, because I thought it had the most interesting-sounding summary? In hindsight this amuses to no end.)

(The accusation that there are similar moral issues and rug-sweeping in Seditious Affair, and that I am simply too starry-eyed over it to complain about them, is potentially quite valid, though because of said stars in said eyes I’m not the one to judge.)

(dear Kimberly, please have Susan stab Templeton --The only way I can see this going down with zero hair torn out of my head, quite honestly.)

re: re: 39, @mysharkwillgoon​ made the unkind (but accurate) observation that this series is always available at our county library because no one likes it. I recognize that I am utterly alone in how much I enjoy this, and am really pleased that you picked it up and felt the requisite feelings. I know you're not a Victorianist by practice or nature, so it's impressive that you returned to this weird book.

HA, I’ve made this same observation (likely about the same library!), which I’ll admit is satisfying to the part of me that thinks everyone should have my taste, though dissatisfying to the equally clamorous part of me that wants to read Seditious Affair for the sixteenth time and has to wait for it on hold. Weird romance seems to be my favorite kind, so I too am glad I returned to it. Not a Victorianist by practice or nature may have to go on my office wall.

A general query: can literary fiction be experimental enough to reach the logical end-point of the genre or are we still pretending that felicity in art is enough? Why must there be meaning in the world? Perhaps I judge the Booker too harshly: it is only a literary competition, it is not an immurement by orange sticker -- yet every book I have wanted to love from the longlist has given me the same depth of emotion that I feel on regarding ...

...a tray of wrapped zucchini at the grocery store: why are we engaging in such resource-intensive craft! (this is not strictly true. I delighted in A Little Life, it was nothing like plastic on vegetables at all.) To continue, is the worst thing that happened to literary fiction the application of irony? I am no supporter of the genuine, the real, the unmanufactured, yet ironic distance can hardly support so much.

It's not a prerequisite. and it looks like smugness more often than it comes off as wit. I read someone recently saying that the problem in Jude the Obscure is "done because we are too menny" which struck me -- a biased Hardy fan -- as missing the point about art: the place where it happens is an artificial one, but it has greater force for that. it's not a bug, it's a feature!

"somewhat poisonous nostalgia" sick burn, I like it.

Speaking of sick burns, “the same depth of emotion that I feel on regarding a tray of wrapped zucchini at the grocery store” has the devastating combination of being both pithy and accurate. I do find myself regularly mystified about what criteria are used to long-list books in general (the Booker being, I think, a particularly frequent and egregious example): it leaves me to wonder whether a) people who judge these things find being left cold and unmoved a virtue in fiction or b) they are led to feel things about writing I find cold and unmoving. (I tend toward the first, though the fact that people have seemingly genuine emotions about Madeline Miller novels would argue strongly for the second.)

The pitting of irony and emotion against one another is, I agree, one of the central failings of the literary genre: Both! Both are good! As you say, being in a constructed hothouse universe is not to be derided (though certainly poked at), and it does not (or at least should not) lessen the emotional validity of the created world. Have faith in your own creations, you dimwits.

I have been thinking all morning about your observation that none of these books are experimental enough: I thought the French were meant to be good at this. Do you think it has to do with our late uneasiness around teenage sexuality, and that writing a sufficently-complicated teenager such that he is entitled to his own sexual preference means that authors no longer sound unique, ...

... but rather like a series of psychology textbooks. Which can be a pleasure (what's UP, Megan Abbott) yet tends to make these books extremely ... putdownable. Thank you for this, there's really nothing better than having a person with exquisite taste on whom one can rely to read books first.

I do think that there is an essential trouble with alienation in YA novels: so many read as false and/or patronizing, because they’re being written to teenagers rather than about teenagers. (Sometimes this is rectified when adult lit writes about teenagers, but mostly it is not, and certainly not in this case. Here again is a case of irony vs. emotion; if you’re not going to give me emotion, you’ve got to be a whole lot better at irony--or in this case more specifically narrative commentary--than this.)

(On the subject of complicated teenagers having sex convincingly, I was recently a fan of Patrick Ness’s Release, which the author describes it as a cross between Mrs. Dalloway and Judy Blume’s Forever; a comment I’ll let stand on its own sizable feet.)

And there is truly nothing better than having someone to dump your own particular long-winded exegeses on, so thank you for that in return.

ps I read Astray and it was so frail! "disappointingly pedestrian" indeed. If I could write like Emma Donoghue, I guess I would labor under the curse that afflicts her plotting.

For being a book that contained so much that I love--an entire collection of extremely specific and well-researched historical settings!--it was so flat. I know Donoghue can write better sentences, I’m at a loss why she chose to not put any in this collection.

[catholicartistsnyc]

Meet: Renee Darline Roden

RENEÉ DARLINE RODEN is a playwright and writer based in NYC. (Twitter: @reNEIGHimahorse ) 

CATHOLIC ARTIST CONNECTION (CAC): What brought you to NYC, and where did you come from?

RENEÉ DARLINE RODEN (RDR): I am originally from the very artist-friendly state of Minnesota. I first moved to NYC in 2014 as a post-grad volunteer at Cristo Rey New York High School, took a hiatus from the city for graduate school, and just returned in fall of 2018!

CAC: What do you see as your personal mission as a Catholic working in the arts?

RDR: I think Jacques Maritain has a lot of wisdom on this front when he writes: "your art is not isolated from your soul." Good art is authentic art, which means that if I'm making authentic art, it's going to be Christian simply because I am.

CAC: Where have you found support among your fellow artists for your Catholic faith?

RDR: Wherever two or three are gathered in my name, or simply in the name of good conversation and fellowship! New York's greatest resource is its people, and I have met so many artists - Christian, Catholic, non-Catholic - who are so delighted to engage in a discussion about faith, religion, ritual, the deep down things of life. This is always encouraging and inspiring.

CAC: How can the Church be more welcoming to artists?

RDR: Bishop Scharfenberger said in a recent interview that the devil's greatest temptation for us is discouragement. In that case, I think that the Church ought to offer artists real, positive encouragement.

In my experience, I have felt that pursuing a career in the arts seriously means risking other social metrics of success (salary, prestige, etc.) in order to pursue a vision of beauty and goodness that I believe is good for the world but the world doesn't value that much.

The Church has a great partnership in artists, who seek, like the Church goodness and beauty. We may not be putting the most in the collection plate on Sundays, but we're invaluable resources to the Church in a different way.

CAC: How can the artistic world be more welcoming to artists of faith?

RDR: I was recently talking with a fellow Christian working professionally in the arts and she made the excellent point that it's on us to be evangelists for Christ. Christianity's - particularly Catholicism's- public face has taken a bad hit in recent years, unfortunately, and it's up to us to be bearers of Christ to a world that's not quite sure what to make of him (or at least his church). The majority of non-religious or formerly-religious people in the arts I've encountered are actually pretty interested in talking about religion - it's a meaningful part of the human experience that people want to talk about and often don't have avenues to do so.

People may have been hurt by an experience of religion, they may be wrestling with their spiritual journey, they may want to argue about a teaching, understand our spirituality, make sense of their own experience, and I think that if we provide listening ears and walk with them a bit on their journey that can be a very powerful welcome to them into the world of faith. If we, as Catholics and Christians, are people others can talk to about the most vulnerable layer of life, that's a rare gift to offer a spiritually hungering world.

CAC: Where in NYC do you regularly find spiritual fulfillment?

RDR: Honestly, the subway. It can also be a space of the greatest spiritual desolation or tribulation (ugh). But where else can you have your face crushed into the smelly armpit of an Image of God during rush hour traffic? There's something real good in how truly unpleasant that is.

It took me a while to love New York, but the city finally won me over when I was riding the M60 SBS to LaGuardia one summer at 4am; there was  a sea of faces on that bus, and they really did shine like Thomas Merton says they did on the corner of Fourth and Walnut. I usually try to leave the city to find quiet, but in the city, I find the greatest opportunity to find God in that really uncomfortable sacrament of your neighbor. I'm ~~still working on it~~

CAC: Where in NYC do you regularly find artistic fulfillment?

RDR: Project Y and Bushwick Starr have been very good to me and are great places for young writers. I have found lots of artistic inspiration and refreshment at NYC's many museums: Brooklyn Museum, The Frick, and The Met are good places to cleanse your eyes with some beauty and get inspired. I regularly write in Monet's water lilies room in MoMa.

CAC: If you have a spiritual director, how did you find that person? 

RDR: I am a big external processor and I process my relationships via conversations with trusted advisors. So I have found a spiritual director is pretty essential for processing my relationship with God. I found my spiritual director during graduate school, and decided to keep doing direction via Skype. I prefer meeting with people in person, but I think with a spiritual director, when you find someone who gets you and speaks a language that makes sense for you, that's worth sticking with. If you're looking for to start spiritual direction, St. Ignatius Loyola is a really helpful parish that is committed to helping people find a spiritual director.

CAC: What is your daily artistic practice? And what are your recommendations to other artists for practicing their craft daily?

RDR: It's so basic: write every day. I prefer writing in the morning, but on weekdays, it's usually after work. I don't write a masterpiece each evening, but a little chipping away at projects goes a long way. Also I think catching the stray creative thoughts and insights throughout the day or writing something striking or beautiful that happened in your day is important. I have a journal on me (almost) at all times to write down thoughts that bubble up randomly throughout the day. In absence of journal, I use my iPhones notes app. Before I had a smartphone, I would text myself ideas or images seen throughout the day.

CAC: How do you make a living in NYC?

RDR: How to balance having security and making art is a question that I think I will always be wrestling with. I currently work remotely as an editor. I have immense respect for my fellow artists who do not have full-time jobs with benefits. The financial, emotional, physical and mental security that a full-time job brings is something I do not take for granted and I'm seriously grateful. A day job that is both meaningful work and builds skills that help me in my art has been very, very helpful.

CAC: What other practical resources would you recommend to a Catholic artist living in NYC? RDR: Get an NYC City ID Look for free nights at Museums to see discounted art! Get on mailing lists of good places: Catholic NYC List Catholic Artists Connection The people: I have most learned how to navigate New York by talking to people who have done it before me. Email people, ask to get coffee, build friendships, learn how they found their apartment, how they make their writing happen, where they like to go to work, how they found their job, who did their headshots. Ask for help, and you shall receive.

CAC: What are your top 3 pieces of advice for Catholic artists moving to NYC?

RDR: 1. Live with good people. I lived on an air mattress in a small room for a month while looking for a lease, but I was with roommates who made dinner with me, watched Cohen Brothers films, and talked politics and those blessings cover a multitude of inconveniences. 2.  Be brave. David Mamet says that all art is just brave men and women getting up and telling the truth. Art takes courage, as does living in New York City, as does being a Christian. Don't be afraid of failure or disappointment - just keep being brave. 3. If you haven't had a really full, authentic belly laugh recently, find someone who will make you laugh and hang out with them or call them on the phone. Gotta have that joy fully stocked at all times.

[samedifference61]

Favorite Kylux... things

So, it’s my four month anniversary of diving head first into the kylux trash pit and not coming up for air, so I thought I would put together a random list of my favorite things.  This is by no means an exhaustive list of essentials for noobs, just some things that have shaped my own personal headcanons according to what I enjoy about the pairing and what I find myself coming back to for inspiration. 

But if you were interested in Kylux as a noob-- this is 100% without a doubt the list of AO3 fic recs, fanart recs, and tumblr recs I would drop at your feet (before quickly running away so I wouldn’t have to witness your confused reaction).

Settle ‘round young padwans, this is going to be a long one... 

AO3 Fic Recs

These recs are roughly in the order I’ve read them, and all are part of my public bookmarks on AO3.

In the Dark by @reserve

This mostly pwp gets at Ren’s deep insecurities in a way that brings the kylux trust to an unexpected level of intimacy. This was one of the first fics I read and really said, “Oh, yes. Now this is the pairing I can get behind.” 

Aware of His Own Halo by @badspacebabies

Hot Mess Hux is such a refreshing role reversal. This fulfills all of my: ‘So what would Hux do without the First Order?’ needs. I could read a good 100K more in this universe.  Also the sex is incredibly hot.

fever to tell by @irisparry (elements of dub-con)

There’s nothing nice or easy about their dynamic in this one. Ren’s impulsive need to possess Hux, his restless pursuit of Hux’s memories, his mind, leaves them both on the messy edge of consent. Neither of them really knows what they’re doing-- and that makes it all the more compelling.  

Tinder and Flint by @that-vicious-vixen

I’m such a sucker for a well-written Emperor Hux AUs. This one, one of the originals, is so so satisfying. The tension between Hux and Ren is so lovely here.

Our Fragile Co-commandership by @ilyn

As someone who enjoys writing dialogue, I love the banter in this. The way Hux and Ren play off of each other makes me smile all the way through. They are so well matched and at ease in each other’s presence, which is hard to balance while creating believable characterizations. This nails it.

Wracklines by @badspacebabies

Post-Starkiller kylux. I love the vulnerability in both of them as they’re left confused and bare with only each other to lean on in the wake of Starkiller, even when Snoke is demanding they separate. Hux’s reluctant acceptance in caring what happens to Ren is so emotionally compelling. I’ve read this series a few times-- and it’s one of those gorgeous pieces of prose where I can discover something new I like each time.

Children Wake Up series by @hollyhark

This is a long read that is so so satisfying if you’re into alternate universe fics that branch off from canon. There’s so much to love about this one, but something I think doesn’t get mentioned enough is the interpretation of Snoke and his deeply disturbing, psychological influence over Ren. After reading this, I was disappointed by Snoke’s treatment in TLJ because he’s so much more dimensional and downright scary in this fic. His presence is felt everywhere throughout this series, and has greatly influenced how I see him in my own personal headcanon.

Somewhere in the Half-Light  by @hollyhark

This mostly-PWP fic set within canon hits so many of my kinks. Orgasm delay, praise kink, rushed half-clothed sex. Urgency. Love it. 

Gold and Stone Series by @hollyhark (WIP)

This plot is so very engaging! I love the characterizations of the Knights of Ren here and how the Force bond works between Ren and Hux. The differing Hux and Ren POVs contribute so much mystery to the plot. I try not to read WIPs because I can’t take it when I read something I know will be left unfinished (even in my own writing), but I couldn’t resist with this one. I can’t wait to read more!

Hunger by @eralkfang @badspacebabies  @reserve

The dynamic between Hux and Ren is so interesting here. I love the slow-build toward intimacy that I can’t really describe without using the word sensual, and the narrative prose is just spot on. I’ve read lots of things by all three of these authors, so to see all three write something together is just-- yes.

I don’t Want Love series by @saltandrockets

I’m honestly not one for kid-fic or mpreg, but the way this plot is structured and the believability of the characterizations, it just makes sense here. It’s not all fluff and roses, and I think that’s what I appreciate most about this.

Savages by @kdazrael

The Hux character study!!! This makes him so multidimensional I can’t help but keep it in the back of my mind as part of my own personal headcanon. The core worlds society + Hux’s backstory is so dynamic and interesting here. 

Resuscitate by sailaway

Classic Kylux with heavy D/s themes. I love how different this is from my initial interpretation of how kylux might work within the SW universe. This is my Classic Kylux reference. 

Flyboys  by @gefionne

I’m always reluctant to read things just because other people say I should-- but THIS. This one, though. The WWII British Royal Air Force AU that deserves all the fandom hype it receives for how good it is. The world building and emotional slow build is so so satisfying. I’m still reading through this and loving every minute!

Fanart Recs

Young Jedi Killer  by @littleststarfighter

face off by @littleststarfighter

Ties-Kylux by @schaloime

Bruised and naked Hux by @generaldeepthroat

Death by @night-cf

It’s the one thing you had to do by @andiiwalker

bruised Kylo Ren from Hux’s perspective by @fancymaul

3:47 am by @themightynyunyi

General Hux: daily life on the finalizer  by @milisk

Paper isn’t Useless... by @convallarias-art

shower kiss by @rollynn

Ren behind Hux by @first-disorder

The Supreme Leader is dead... by @merriru

'It’s not his blood he’s wearing.’ by @littleststarfighter

Kylux Anthology Piece by @queenstardust

(I’ve taken some liberties with titles simply for my own reference... I hope none of the artists mind.)

Tumblr recs: quality blogs I regularly enjoy & reblog

@chillanddrinkcoffee @mademoisellebianx @kyluxempire @kinkshamekylux @sleemo @huxblush @dagturn @ondolindiel @hex-n-hart @textsfromfirstorder

@kyluxhardkinks @softkyluxkinks @kyluxcantina 

My own humble fic offerings would not exist without any of the lovely creative geniuses mentioned above. So above all else, THANK YOU. Without knowing very many of you personally (*waves nervously* “hi!”), whether you’re still involved in kylux or not, you guys have no idea how much fannish joy you’ve brought to my life over the last four months! 

Anyone else who’s reading this, please remember creators thrive on feedback in whatever form, so go and give them some love!

If you want me to remove you from this list for whatever reason, or if I’ve f-ed up any of the links, just let me know. I’ll probably do another of these in the coming months as I tirelessly consume more content.    

[parismiki]

“How is Paris?”

Hello readers! Welcome to my blog. I’ve been meaning to write a blog for some time now, really since my days in Chicago, but I never felt this urge until now. Currently I feel like I am being tested to my limits and I have so many thoughts about so many different things. Writing has always been an outlet of mine (have kept journals since I learned how to hold a pen basically) and so here it is - a window of insight into my thoughts about a variety of different things. 

I don’t really have a theme for this blog, but I know it will touch on issues that are important to me: race, activism, Japanese American and Asian American identity, feminism, mental health, radical politics, etc. Given that I’m currently also in France with the generous help of a Fulbright scholarship (a lot will be discussed soon about this), my posts may be more focused on my current experience in France and how I have been navigating this foreign country. 

So, to start, many people have been asking me how Paris has been. There is some sort of illusory expectation that people have of my time here in Paris - that I’m happily eating baguettes every day (I am not -- I eat only rice and noodles), that I’m picnicking by the Seine, and I’m going to all these cool art galleries and museums on the daily. 

This could be farther from the truth. 

I am struggling. 

This is not the same experience that I had studying abroad through UChicago three years ago, where I took classes in English taught by UChicago professors at the UChicago Center in Paris with UChicago classmates. I had a huge safety net while I was here, which enabled me to go out and explore the city and meet new locals while still feeling rooted to a community of American students. I didn’t need to get a visa because I was here for less than 90 days, the housing situation was largely taken care of by the study abroad coordinator, and I was used to the UChicago pedagogy. The huge difference here is that I am going to grad school in Paris, working towards a professional degree, which entails a large degree of responsibility, self-reliance and resilience. 

However, this past month has been incredibly difficult for me. The workload is intense, unlike anything I saw in my quarters with the heaviest workloads at UChicago. I am taking eight classes that meet once a week. For one of my core classes, I must read four books for the midterm, which is less than a month away. Work is always on the back of my mind and I fear that I may miss an assignment.  There is rarely any time to be resting or relaxing, because I tell myself, well you could be using this time to study. 

As someone prone to anxiety, the workload and the added stress of being in a new country has taken quite a toll on me. There have been days where it has been hard to get out of bed and days where I feel like I’m just dragging throughout the day. Sometimes I wonder, “is this program worth it? Should I drop out?” but am quickly reminded that if I do, I lose my Fulbright scholarship. Additionally, Sciences Po is not the friendliest when it comes to their students’ mental health - their psychological services are minimal, and they fail you if you miss more than 2 classes (yes, attendance is taken in even the biggest of lecture classes.) I could go on and on about Sciences Po as an institution, but I can save that for another post. I have had to resume sessions with my therapist in Chicago because the French national healthcare system does not cover therapy services! 

Despite all this, I’ve managed to find small pockets of joy during my time here and have really forced myself to practice self-care. One could say that my most recent FB status asking for self-practice tips was a cry for help - surely I couldn’t be the only one who has gone through this. So here’s what has been working for me so far - and you don’t have to be in grad school either to abide by them!

1. Rely on your family and friend networks back home

Thank god for technology - I remember my dad telling me that when he was in college he had to wait in line in his dorm to use the landline to call his parents. I can’t even imagine how my mother kept in touch with her family back in Japan when she immigrated to the US (will write another post on my newfound appreciation for my mom as I transition to life here.) 

That being said, I text regularly with my friends and keep them updated about what’s going on in my life. Some others are also living abroad and it’s nice to know that we have each other’s backs -- one of my dear friends is doing her JET program in rural Kumamoto. She is 7 hours ahead of me, and always texts me a nice meme or a cute gif that I have the honor of waking up to. Last night I felt especially horrible and called one of my friends (who is going to start her master’s in philosophy at Oxford and we’ll be reunited soon!) who helped me calm down. As people starting new lives in new countries we often forget that we have a support system back home, but don’t forget - they helped to get you where you are. 

2. Read books that nurture your soul

I have always loved to read in order to learn new perspectives, but reading now serves a different purpose: it touches and nurtures my soul. When I first got here, I devoured Ruth Ozeki’s novel A Tale for the Time Being - it was a charming and quirky story that whisked me away to British Columbia/Tokyo. I didn’t know how much I needed it at the time. Currently I’m reading a sociology book called Redefining Japaneseness: Japanese Americans and the Ancestral Homeland, which is so comforting and keeps me super rooted to my own identity. 

I was pretty strategic when packing books and spent a good hour deciding which books to bring with me. I knew that I would be reading a lot of dry public policy and urban theory (I even discussed with my roommate, also an American woman of color, which books we would both bring should we want to borrow from each other’s shelves.) So I brought with me Matthew Desmond’s Evicted (which, luckily enough for me, I ended up having to write a paper on), Viet Thanh Nguyen’s The Sympathizer, which won the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction; Keeanga Yamahtta-Taylor’s From #BlackLivesMatter to Black Liberation, and Louise Erdrich’s The Round House (Erdrich is a Native American fiction writer who writes heavily on Native American issues.) I’ve found that conversations surrounding racial justice are quite lacking in French academic discourse, so these books help to fill that gap in my life. In addition, I brought with me some Japanese language books, including ”コンビニ人間” and “君たちはどう生きるか” to practice my Japanese, because I don’t have access to Japanese TV anymore. 

3. Keep yourself intellectually accountable

One of the best pieces of advice I received from the director of the Humanity in Action fellowship I did this past summer was to keep yourself accountable by writing down your own thoughts and critiques of grad school readings in the margins when taking notes. I’ve found that a lot of the readings we are assigned take on a very neoliberal approach to cities and urbanism, and I am incredibly cynical. Sometimes, I just downright disagree. And instead of feeling exasperated by the content, I write down my critiques and will try to bring them up in class, sometimes daring to bring them up with the professor during lectures. This is how I try to stay engaged. 

4. Travel! 

Paris is pretty accessible to many other European countries by plane and train. In fact, just last weekend I was in Madrid visiting a few friends. I was not feeling my best and and even now I still feel awful for my low energy and that I was not as cheery as I hoped to be - but being around people you already know is comforting. In fact, I had a chance to reconnect with a friend from college who is a current Fulbright ETA in Madrid, who told me that he was feeling the same way as me during the same time last year. Knowing that other people have gone through the same motions while transitioning to life abroad makes you feel less alone. 

All in all, to those of you reading, I’m sorry if I have disappointed you with this blog post. However, I do think I need to be honest about my experience here and share with other folks who may be thinking about studying abroad. If anything, I am giving myself all the time I need to breathe, go through the motions, and eventually settle in. This will be a long process, but I am trying to be patient with myself. 

I cannot end this post without acknowledging the people who have been there for me. I’d like to extend a thank you to Keilyn, Sarah, Elisabeth, Gino, Crystal, Brenna, Shirley, Joe, and Amanda. And to my new friends at Sciences Po, I am looking forward to getting to know you and let’s finish this semester strong :) 

Okay and now some photos!

                   This is me in front of the Museo del Prado in Madrid

                    Hard to see but I was really feelin’ my outfit this one day

                                                   Really cute doggo 

              Colorful olives sold at the Marché Saint-Denis, a banlieue of Paris

[itsstillthegayblog]

BenDeLaCreme Has Something to Stay (originally linked via reddit)

Dear Drag Race “fans” (not the real fans),

I’m not Jasmine Masters, but I’ve still got some stuff to say.

Tonight is an exciting night for a whole new crop of queens, and I want to celebrate them. But you may have noticed I have not yet congratulated the winner of All Stars 3. Or weighed in on the final episode at all. In fact, I’ve steered clear of social media for the last week. Not because I have nothing to say, but because I have discovered that anything I say will lead to an attack from a small but vocal minority of “fans” who have been using social media to harass and bully the queens.

If you have tweeted, commented, posted or DMed anything negative to any of the queens, this message is for you. Try and stick with it — it’s more than 140 characters.

I think a lot of you will find yourselves happier if you assume we are all humans trying our best to varying degrees of success at various times. The black and white thinking that people can be minimized to “good” or “bad” is both reductive and destructive.

Now that the season is over, let me clarify some things.

Firstly, let’s dismantle this “you knew what you were getting into” narrative. I can’t speak for the other girls, but I know I am not alone in this: Drag is my one true love. It is not just my job or my big plan to get rich and famous. I started drag when you had to love it so much that you were willing to withstand hate from the straight AND gay communities and devote your life to a demanding art form that almost guaranteed you would be permanently impoverished and disdained. Drag is who I am. It is deep in my blood and necessary to my happiness. I come from a long proud tradition of people with that same deep need for this art form, and we all now live in a moment where Drag Race is inextricably tied to any drag queen’s career, whether they engage with it or not. It provides amazing opportunities for both cast members and viewers. The culture surrounding it also takes some things away.

When I was first asked to be on All Stars 3 I said no. Then they asked some more. While I was flattered they wanted me back, I wished they would stop. I knew that no matter what I chose, there would be some unhappiness. There would be some regrets. It was the first of what I knew would be many decisions with no right answer. But thus is life - those of you who think you will ever have an objectively “right” or “wrong” viewpoint have a rocky road ahead. At the end of the day I decided that despite my issues with the format, I’d be able to change more from the inside than I could from the sidelines.

Also, the kid I once was needed to see the adult I am today.

Also, my career is everything to me.

Also, financial security is rare for an artist.

There is no one reason for anything. Nothing is entirely selfless, but that doesn’t mean none of it is.

I had no plan to do what I did, but it was not some incomprehensible decision that was “right for me” and I reject that narrative.

I did not leave the competition as any sort of favor to the other girls. I did not leave the competition because I couldn’t hack it. I did not leave the competition for “my mental health” or because a producer put me up to it. And I have never claimed any of those things. I left the competition because, in a situation where I had felt trapped choosing between “success” and what felt right, I had an epiphany. I saw an opportunity to make a statement to the producers, and in turn to you, the viewer. And also to myself. Stop accepting what “authority figures” have told you you have to do. You do not have to consent to compromising your values or personal boundaries, whatever they may be. You do not have to push people down to lift yourself up. This society has indoctrinated us with certain beliefs at a great cost to our own humanity. Some of you are angry I questioned those beliefs. If those beliefs can’t withstand questioning, then they are not structurally sound.

I’m disappointed with those who can’t see through the smoke and mirrors to the heart of drag, which is a message of love and inclusivity. Our culture has embraced bloodlust, and for some, reality TV has become our coliseum. The creators set up impossible situations for us to navigate without any of the support systems of the real world. Situations that cause some of us pain and anger and sadness. They don’t do it because they are monsters, they do it because they are under the impression that’s what you, the viewer, demands. Is that what you demand? Do you feel ok with demanding that?

I’d like to think that there are more people, like me, who love the part of this show that allows us to see amazing people do amazing things.

I’d also like to address this concept of being “fake” or “calculating.” If being “fake” means not thinking or feeling the same way in one moment than you thought or felt in a different moment, then lord help us all. If being “calculating” is thinking through your words and actions and modeling the behavior you would like to see in the world, even when it is difficult, then I hope more of you will become calculating.

No one is born kind. It takes work. That work requires thought, intention, and sometimes it means not indulging in everything you feel. Anyone who does that work will sometimes fail because failure always goes hand in hand with trying. My anger stems from the throngs of people unwilling to do the work.

Being kind when you feel inclined to be kind is not a measure of your kindness. Being kind when you are actually sad or angry or frustrated or resentful—or just DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO—that is being kind. Some of you embrace your id as if spouting every thought that goes through your mind is equivilent to being genuine. It is not dishonest to strive to be better than you are.

I love and respect Trixie. I love and respect Shangela. And all of the queens. I don’t think those who have not been through the reality TV machine will ever understand what the experience is like and how that might affect choices and actions in any given moment. I think some of you going to jump to wild assumptions about what I mean by that last sentence. You don’t know. You. Don’t. Know. Sometimes in life you will not know. Sometimes in life you will not understand. Or agree. And if you pick a fight every time that happens you’re going to tucker yourself out real quick.

Recognize that this show is a platform for all of these queens to share their work post-show. It is a stepping stone not an endgame. The crown itself has no bearing on the queens happiness, success or finances. This is evidenced by the fact that you regularly tear the winner to shreds. It is also evidenced by the reality that any queen who gets close to winning $100,000 will make at least $100,000. Anyone who thinks a queen’s bookings will suffer just because she didn’t win is deluded.

How about you all just focus on being wildly appreciative that these people have chosen to share themselves and their artistry with you, to bare themselves and be vulnerable despite the knowledge that many of you will be extremely cruel in return?

So: Congratulations to Trixie on winning the crown. Congratulations to Shangela for her incredible performance on the show. Congratulations to Kennedy and Bebe on being fierce queens who have earned fans and respect all over the world. Congratulations to the rest of the queens for being brave and fierce enough to share themselves despite the “fans” who attempt to chip away at their self worth. Congratulations to the cast of Season Ten; you are all brave and amazing. I truly hope the “fans” get their act together and see that. Finally, congratulations to the real fans - the ones who actually show love and support. You will always be a part of this family. You will always be loved and appreciated. And by giving, receiving and sharing that love, you will always know what it means to “win.”

DeLaCreme out.

((source))

((the comments about this on reddit are pretty positive and great too))