#dig? more like. dig yourself deeper into a hole in this social interaction

[gunsli-01]

I can't speak on the personal head canons of others. Ultimately, it comes down to one's perception of social and physical prowess. You saying Haruka appears to be someone who would not hit someone who has hit him back isn't an conclusion brought about by his physique/stature but his character in my opinion. Because he stutters and runs away from people when told to tell them Es was asking for them to come over. That's a personality that shows itself through social interaction which would mean it's a form of social intelligence.

Take Futa and Mikoto for example. They don't get on well because what they've learned socially directly conflicts. Futa thinks appearing tough and aggressive will help someone out of a rough spot. However, Mikoto seems to have learned through experience that being confrontational and difficult to speak to can cause problems either when it comes to networking (something important for an individual looking to pursue freelance later) and isn't something one should do once they reach adulthood.

It's the same with Kazui's robbery question which is a commonly asked question when it comes to gauging another persons mentality. "You got caught up in a bank robbery, and the culprit has blocked off the police. From a glance, they look pretty weak, and don’t seem to be holding any weapons. Would you try to arrest them yourself?"

The reason it's asked is because the objectively correct and mature answer is to say you'll do nothing. You'll wait if it comes to you having to do something later then so be it but for the time being you sit back and assess the situation. I literally asked someone this same question a few years back over discord to gauge their maturity they said they'd try.

Then I said that's stupid. Because what that told me is they were willing to recklessly endanger not only themselves (which that's a personal choice fine), but the other people caught up in this situation as well and possibly actively hinder the authorities with their unaccounted-for actions just because they believed they could do something? Just because it looks safe to do something. How immature. The same logic can be applied to social endeavors as well.

By presenting yourself in an antagonizing way you lose any social favor you could have gained by acting harmless or levelheaded. Take into consideration the phrase, "It's not what you said it's how you said it!" and its many variations. A person can be right but people now a days will ignore them if the message was delivered in a way they personally found offensive.

Mikoto's social skills are on par or surpass Kazui's practical skills. Even if they can also be considered detrimental or at the expense of himself. Being amicable can endear oneself to others socially, making it more difficult for one to want to do any physical or social harm to that person. Because they've always been nice, they're so agreeable, that doesn't sound like them.

Yet, as we've seen with Futa his social skills are so abysmal that he doesn't recognize that appearing weak, being socially flexible, or agreeable has benefits. Amane fails to see these benefits as well when she asks Es not to give her leniency because she's a child while Mu actively states that she's a juvenile in her first interrogation knowing it could get her a lighter punishment.

They're socially inept and Futa would probably fall for the whole since you're asking for a lawyer you must have something to hide asking for that is as good as admitting you're guilty schtick cops used to pull. They both know about their rights and have a firm grasp of their beliefs but the way they communicate those things is actively detrimental to their points. It seems as though they feel like if they're just assertive and keep explaining then people will get it. Certainly, they'll understand but ultimately they end up digging themselves deeper holes and coming off as dislikeable.

So, to me Haruka looking like he wouldn't defend himself if someone hit because of his body language in social circumstances and his physical physique are two different things. Honestly, if I judged the characters of Milgram by their physiques the most terrifying ones here would end up being Kazui, Mikoto, and Haruka.

Because their physiques are the most difficult to deal with in a head-on fight. Kazui is built like a wall at 6"1, Haruka and Mikoto are both taller than me. Even though Shidou is taller than them I would not even consider Shidou a threat. He's too much of a pretty boy for me to even imagine him fighting someone head on. Like I'd be more worried about him sneak attacking me than him having the balls to square up head on.

For the women, the most dangerous to me would be Yuno, Amane, and Mu. Oh, but Kotoko is jumping people. Alright, and how many weapons did she need to do that and how long did she need to prepare. These three seem like they would fight me regardless of what they had at their disposal or how long they had to plan. Like they'd do it in the moment if I pushed the wrong button.

Plus, it's frankly weak behavior to sneak attack unarmed people with multiple weapons and still somehow be pushed back by one of them. Like same hat as Shidou I know her coward as is gonna be waiting in the wings to attack so she can feel like top dog and as though she's done something. Like lol if she jumps me and kills me the last thing I'd do is call her a coward I'm not fighting her it's not worth my time but if self-defense kicks in I guess I'll try but there's a feeling of I'd rather not give you the satisfaction of taking this seriously when it comes to her.

That's why I said he's only taking into consideration their social aptitude or strength and he's defining that by his own terms. The fact that Haruka appears to not be the type to hit someone back if hit is a perception brought about by his social habits to me it comes off the same as saying, "He wouldn't hurt a fly." Okay, but his physique could like he could quite literally step on a fly and kill it but his personality the way he behaves and presents himself is giving off the feeling he's weak, he wouldn't start trouble like that, or antagonize anyone actually. Then people see someone who is socially assertive and go he's a bad guy, scary, I bet he does terrible things.

A dreadful assumption to live by when it comes to people. It's also the assumption most prevalent within the fandom. A lot of characters are judged harmless then forgiven just because of their appearance. Then the ones who fight against this prevalent bias are judged me harshly. Amane who said that just because she's a child doesn't mean she can't hate someone to the point of wanting to kill them.

Then Mikoto who was basically buried in a caricature of being just a little harmless overworked office worker before his song came out and pretty much shattered that delusion. For him to be accused of attempting to pass on sex appeal alone for and please say it with me being shirtless in his own house and shower. Then dragged for that cause lol that's not gonna work you're a five at best and your art sucks.

Making assumptions about people based on how quiet they are, helpless, or anxious they seem well... That's how you get invited to an underpass and murdered. By assuming someone is so much weaker than you that they'll never fight back or snap. So, you can keep pushing because they'll forgive you, they'll let it go, you don't have to worry about their feelings. They're a pushover. A doormat really you can step on them however many times and they'll be your friend. That's an assumption that has nothing to do with his physique in my opinion.

Someone can look violent or strong but then be proven not to be those things. That or even just be a self-proclaimed pacifist who's never been in a fight once in their lives they just like lifting weights and having that physique though. That's why to me it wouldn't come off as Futa taking both things into consideration because one is being taken into more consideration than the other. Even though it seems like the other isn't even being taken into consideration at all. Like he's never been told you shouldn't mess with the quiet, awkward ones. Be wary of people who are always agreeable or social chameleons cause they have information on everyone.

Like people tend to greatly underestimate how cutthroat socializing is and I think that allows a lot of Mu and Futa's behavior to be misinterpreted for better or worse. Given that to some with more life experience it just looks like kids trying to get attention. Though to be entirely fair I'm not the best with Mu either I'm just attempting to be less bias. When it comes to him getting upset with Kazui and Shidou he seems more upset with their acceptance of the circumstances they're all in.

Shidou wasn't doing much to change things first trial cause he was asking to die and Kazui while he was collecting information was being far more discreet about it. He has also not shared the information he's obtained with others, yet it seems. Such as the information about the barrier being mental conditioning. However, since they've become more active Futa has been seen sticking by them for the most part.

So, once again he assumed they were useless because of their outward behavior and was proven wrong.

Milgram has created a new form of found family I like to call forced family. It's like how you're legally obligated to see someone everyday through school or through work so everyone is trying their best to get along to varying degrees but slowly over time you get used to them and even though you don't like them you like their presence.

Kazui is just here like well I'll wait and see I won't be harsh just not gonna be super inviting either just gonna keep it casual. Yuno at first was like this is actually quite nice being around people who are just little off as well hopefully nothing changes- Shidou just went is anyone going to healthily parent this child no well my kid now want some pancakes also it'd be nice if you used your medical skills to help the group you're going to kill me but why- Mikoto this is probably all a reality show stunt but the least I can do is try to be amicable and communicate with others since this must be rough on everyone vs I know why I'm here Mahiru but how could I not use this opportunity to get to know new people tell me your birthdays.

There's Mu the most forward communicator here. Just will straight up tell you what she wants even if it can come off as pushy. Bad at reading a room but it's doubtful if she's actually blatantly ignoring the atmosphere. It's more a what about me though thing like she wants to be dotted on and listened to but that makes her extra annoying to people as socially aware as Yuno who is around her age and would not be willing to give the teenager excuse to her.

Then there's the problem communicators Amane, Futa, and Kotoko. Who regardless of how mundane the conversation is will be liable to fly off the rails. Level intensity going from you're a child so it's fine, your emotional control/patience is very impressive actually you could be more immature, you're twenty grow up this isn't just happening to you and your insistence on making a bigger deal out of an already bad situation is contributing to a negative atmosphere, to you are actually just wildly inconsiderate while also being very sensitive to criticism of any kind it's funny it's really funny how immature you are. I'd be laughing if it wasn't so sad.

Milgram really went the worse communicators are gonna be 20 years old on the dot and they were not fucking wrong on that one.

[saintbleeding]

[ID: Lineart comic based on slightly modified dialogue between Martin and Basira in MAG088:

MARTIN: Wait, you mean… like you…

BASIRA: Oh, what? Urgh, no! Why does everyone think that?

MARTIN: Right, yeah, ‘cause I don’t think he actually… (above this dialogue is a thought bubble above Martin’s head which reads “people Jon would date: Tim (circled with a tick), Sasha (with a question mark), me (with two question marks), women (struck-through, circled, with a question mark), cops (struck-through twice)”)

BASIRA: I just, I mean he was good company. Y’know, when he wasn’t being a paranoia machine. He was funny, you know?

MARTIN: What, Jon?

BASIRA: Yeah.

MARTIN: I don’t think I’ve ever heard him tell a joke.

BASIRA: Maybe you weren’t listening.

MARTIN: Right. Well, I’m sure it’ll get sorted out when Daisy (derogatory) brings him in and you can probably talk to him then. Oh, sorry, I forgot you’re not actually with the police any more, are you, [strikethrough text] bestie [end strikethrough]?

BASIRA: Thanks.

Both of their expressions are angry or confused, except for Martin during his last line, where he smiles angelically with a halo and sparkles around his head. In the last panel Basira sticks one middle finger up at Martin who returns the gesture with both hands. End ID.]

manipulate mansplain martinblackwood am i right

[namgee]

where there are no notes (2/2) | jjk

❥ pairing: jungkook x reader ❥ genre: angst, fluff, fantasy (ish, probably very little ) ❥ summary: In a society where unsung notes meant the inevitable demise of one’s life, you spent the entirety of your own surviving on small snippets of sounds, whispered careful so to only be heard by your own ears. Never could you have imagined the magnitude your shy voice would take in the ears of the town’s curious prodigy. For Jungkook, there is hope but can he manage to bring out your unsung notes? ❥ word count: 2.6 k ❥ warnings:  mentions of death, alluding to violence ❥ author’s note: okay this is the 2nd and last part of this little cute idea of mine, not really edited so sorry if there’s any mistakes ;(( I hope you like it uwu 🥺 

part 1

You live by the sea, tranquil waters surround you, each morning breeze enough to somewhat calm the ravaging waves of your ongoing distress. Your parents and your siblings— who had been plagued by hope that if they were themselves and continuously seeked to educate the public about your defiance things would get better— had faced inevitable death. The town of Salia had sung its aggressive notes, it doesn’t want you here.

You had managed to stay alive, hidden and quiet, stumbling over seas of books: books meant to give you some clue as to how you could finally let the trenched chords in your neck sing out something, anything. But anytime you attempted to bring a melodic nature to your voice, all around you wilted, the exact opposite effect of what singing is supposed to do in Salia. So even if his question had been posed with good intentions, you can’t help but find it as protruding as the handcuffs that dug into wrists during your time in the cell, as suffocating and life-threatening as the muzzle that left deep marks on your damp cheeks. You respond like you always do, with silence.

The soft grazing of his knuckles against your door makes your shoulders tense.

“Can you please let me in?” You turn your head, ear against the cool wooden surface. It’s dead quiet after his question. Maybe he left?

Your heavy feet push against the slippery floor, your jacket’s rustling sounds echo against the vastly empty space. The peephole on the door is staring at you. As much as you don’t like to admit it. You’re intrigued. This is the most interaction you’ve had in your life with someone outside of your family. Unlike other times, this is going surprisingly better. But curiosity killed the cat, or so they say. Though the man you saw outside in your garden, surrounded by a soft glow, didn’t seem capable of killing a cat.

You walk closer, lift your heels and lay curious eyes upon the broad frame of your visitor. He looks younger now that you can see him clearly. His soft hair tingles above his shoulder. You surprise yourself when you crack a small smile. Out of where? You don't know. But the way he chews at the inside of his cheeks, soft lips pouting side to side as big brown eyes dance across the door frame is as endearing as observing a baby in its own little world. The door frame shakes when you catch his gaze through the peephole and the amused smile on plush lips would have made you slam the door down to see it more clearly if not for the sound of his voice.

“Hmm, mkay.” His palm slides against the chunk of material separating the two of you. “I’m going to sit down, right here and tell you a story. After I’m done, only then, can you decide if you want to let me in or not, okay?”

Your head moves up and down behind the door and he sighs. “Knock one time for no and two times for yes,” he adds and you remain motionless. “So~?”

One. Two.

“Okay, great!” His cheery voice warms up the mood, and you can’t help thinking that this man gets excited about the most random things.

“Alright, I’ll try to keep it short and simple even if the subject is everything but that. Sorry in advance, I’ll probably bring up bad memories… well those you can actually remember that is.”

Your ear collides with the door the second he stops speaking and somehow it manages to press itself even closer to the slick oiled surface when the slight vibrations of his chest travels through the door along with the delightful clang of his chuckle. You suddenly feel the urge to slap some sanity back into yourself. You know to be wary of everyone but he just makes it so easy to let your guard down. And maybe you should, just this once. To allow yourself to believe that for once someone simply wants to talk with you, just to talk, no other end motive in sight.

“Don’t worry I am not going anywhere.” You hear the sound of liquid, followed by a loud ‘ah’, “Hope you don’t mind, I just took a swig from your bottle. I don’t really like talking about it but you’re technically the only one I can talk to about this so just need some liquid courage I guess.”

Your hands travel to your lips. It’s a childish realisation yet it makes your heart flutter. “Hmmm, cheesecake?” He smacks his lips, “With… uhhhh, caramel?” He realises your refusal to answer. “What’s the occasion?”

What he’s exactly trying to get to by asking you these questions is beyond you. Maybe it’s an icebreaker or just a way to ease you into everything? You’re not really sure, after all you haven't talked to enough people to cultivate a good understanding of social communication. All you know is that you don’t mind the tangent.

“You don’t talk much do you?”

You can’t see his face but for some reason you can feel his gaze facing the door, boring a hole through the wood and making you shy away.

One knock. Two knocks.

“Maybe we can change that.”

If there’s one thing you don’t like about this man so far is his positive outlook. The last thing you need is someone to make you dream again, to increase your expectations on the real world. He makes you scared, not of him but the power his voice carries. Everything just sounds… good, plausible. His voice, all innocent and sweet, makes words and questions that scare you to the core seem somehow less threatening. Weirdly enough for someone you’ve never met before, he makes you want to try at life, just one last time.

“We?” You unconsciously huff.

You hear quick scrambling on the other side of the barrier. Either your huff was loud or just like you, he had his ear plastered to the door.

“WOAH~! Did you just speak?!”

You didn’t speak, your thought just slipped past your lips. It wasn’t intentional, yet his excitement has the surface of your cheeks tingling with warmth. Nobody has ever been this thrilled to hear your voice. Whether his behaviour is a calculated attack on you, you can’t know, in fact you don’t want to think about it.

Just this once you let yourself dream. Dream that there's a stranger, a very cute one, on the other side of your door entertaining you. You might not know why, but it doesn’t matter because it all feels too good. It feels good to be heard, to be talked to, to want to talk with someone. You can’t remember the last time you felt like this. Have you ever felt this?

Your side of the door overflows with giggles. The ones the girls in school would give to the boys with the best voices. For once, you’re just like them. Just like you’ve always wished.

On the other side of the door, he listens and he smiles because there’s hope and he has just heard it.

“You should speak more or at least sound more.”

One knock.

“No, you really should. You don’t sound as bad as you think.”

There it goes. Your dream world just cracked, the disappointment that you had managed to hold at bay for so many years seeps in. It was good while it lasted. Now it’s back to reality.

Two knocks.

“Hmm, fine. My words might not be able to convince you. But I know others’ who can.”

Who could he possibly know that you haven’t already searched for?

“Let me quit the chit chat and cut to the story. Ready?”

You hit the door twice.

“Do you remember the cell? The one where they took you and your family to?”

Your hands find their way to your wrists, moving to scratch the warmth on your cheeks that now feels uncomfortable, as your breath quickens. The trivial question you have been asking yourself ever since you crossed paths with the man has now become significant.

Is he here to take you back? How did he find you? Did someone report you?

“I am not here to take you, don’t worry. I’m here cause I finally think it’s time for you to move on.”

Nice thing for him to say. Except you’ve got nowhere, nothing to move on to. If you wish to remain alive, this house, battered and cold is where you will stay. Grow as old as you can and one let yourself be washed away by the ocean where you will continue to sing your 52 Hz song. A whalien destined to remain unheard.

But for now, you decide to cooperate no matter how uncomfortable you feel. So you knock your way to a yes.

“Alright. You are the one who survived out of all them cause I came to release you. My family comes from a long line of generations that protects the people of Salia who can’t sing. We have an inside organisation that works with finding people like you before the government executes them. That’s why you’re alive today.”

You shiver, vision blurring even further as your damp fingers dig deeper into your wrists. You want to scream. It hurts. You want to scream and bulldoze the door down with all the remaining strength in you and you want to punch him as hard as you can and for as long as you can hold out.

You’re overwhelmed, throat dry and tight and him silent on the other side. Yet, you clench your stomach with all your might releasing all the breaths you’ve held onto in a booming and shrieking scream.

“WHAT ABOUT MY FAMILY? MY BROTHER, MY MOM, MY DAD?” WHY DIDN’T YOU SAVE THEM?”

“They didn’t want to. My parents had already reached out to your parents about helping them. But they didn’t accept. They said they didn’t want to learn to sing. They thought too much would have to die for them to achieve something that’s not guaranteed and they didn’t want to be indebted to anyone. In short, they didn’t trust my family. Your brother overheard the conversation and even though my parents could see the hope in his eyes, he looked up to your parents too much to disagree with them. They had made their choice but you hadn’t. That’s why we only rescued you.”

Your skin is scolding hot, tears burning your skin the same way the alcohol burned your throat the previous night. Except this hurts much more. Your mind holds to every shred of anger present, but it’s all soon dissipating. You know he isn’t lying to you. You were always the only one in your family curious about finding a way for your family to escape hell. You were the only one aware that they would never accept you. At least not entirely.

Even if Salia were to welcome all of its inhabitants able singers or not, there would always be a way for people to slip disgusted glances your way, screw with your life and anything you wish for, some way or the other. Just because something is set in law does not mean people will follow it. There are always loopholes and the only ones that can take advantage of them are those higher up. One way loopholes you know people would take advantage of.

But it’s all a matter of life and death. You can’t let the thought that he should have saved them anyway go. If his family wished to proclaim themselves to be saviors then they should save all. If your parents and your brother were to wish death upon themselves after being saved, then fine. At least they could have died some place nicer, maybe by the ocean or just at home. Anything would have been better than that cell.

“Hey, are you still there?” Shoes scrape against the ground on the other side of the door as small thuds, probably from his hands, make the door jiggle.

“Hmm…”

“Okay, well what do you say?” His voice isn’t as loud as it was, the excitement barely present.

“Uhmm I don’t really know what to say….I don’t even know your name?”

“Jungkook.” His voice perks up.

“Jungkook, you just told me about something that has brought me a lot of trauma and….now out of nowhere you except me to just get over that and follow you to your family’s dumb pitiful charity organisation?”

He sighs, another thud makes the door shake. “I don’t expect you to come now. I get why you’re mad at us, but as an organisation we have a protocol, and it is by keeping to it that we manage to rescue so many. Your parents made a choice. I’m sorry it wasn’t one you agree with. But this right now, right here, it’s about you, family aside, what do you want? That’s what I am asking you.”

You know what you want and you’re sure he knows too given how many tabs he has been keeping on you (because of his job and nothing else that is).

“I’ve been coming here once in a while and I hear you sing, or at least try too. So can’t you just come and give it a real try this time?” His voice is back to normal, enthusiastic, booming and dangerously convincing.

It might not be what your heart wants but it’s what your mind tells you to do, the right thing to do. “Jungkook, just leave… please.”

You stand back up, distancing yourself from the door, walking up the stairs to your room as the consistent banging from his fists fade in the background.

Even after your flat-out rejection Jungkook doesn’t give up. He still comes by weekly sometimes even daily, only this time he didn’t bother being silent. He wants you to know when he’s here. A couple of weeks pass by with this same routine. Coming by, walking around the estate, singing with his beautiful voice enough for the flowers in the garden to remain vibrant until his next visit, maybe that is his own way of making a symbolic gesture, who knows. Once in a while he even tries his luck by knocking on the door.

It takes him coincidently coming by while you are out for him to finally be able to corner you for long enough to see what you really wanted with his own eyes, because everything that came out of your mouth are nothing but lies.

Against your weak refusal, he brings over some people who used to be just like you, unable to sing and live normally in Salia. You could do your best to shield your wonder while only hearing him speaking about it. But seeing it for yourself and hearing it with your own two ears has you mimicking the nose scrunching smile on his face.

Just like that he saves you again.

To you being able to sing has always been the ultimate goal. Your own myth of arrival. As the days progress and one well executed tone multiplies itself to become many. As the quiet singing slowly booms harder into your and Jungkook’s eardrums, you’re brought closer to the fact, one you don’t want to unravel but the thin veil that covers it already gives away the truth. It was never only about singing.

[quotes-of-dreamland]

my last ask for the night:

i am the one who made the "least fav" joke. this was COMPLETELY lighthearted, and it was just making fun of the idea of favorite mods

i then replied with "don't worry, ..." thinking there might have been a mixup or something, but i guess it just made it worse

lastly, i replied with "was NOT ..." for the same reason

i have not sent any other asks on this topic, so in case it isn't clear, i do not have a favorite or least favorite or any other view of the mods

frankly, i always enjoy seeing content from the less active mods because i think they all should be recognized for their contributions

of course no amount of explaining will change anything, as usual im misunderstood, but i guess it doesn't matter, so

I'm sorry.

/g

Mod Taranza:

Thank you for coming forward and being honest. We don’t accept your apology, or at least I sure as hell don’t. I never will. Call me cruel, but I’m putting my foot down on this. It wasn’t even funny as a joke. In what universe would that be a funny joke? I’ve been bullied with that kind of implication before. I’ve had to seriously fear my friends forgetting about me before and feeling like the odd one out. I cannot stress enough how inappropriate that was. You weren’t making a joke, you were just being the thing.

SECONDLY, you don’t come back saying sorry to begin with and clearing up the mistake, you just add onto it and adding further stress onto it when we set a boundary on “don’t do this kind of talk please”

But that didn’t stop there either! You just kept fucking going long after you should have taken the initial post as your warning and stop. This isn’t just being socially inept or ignorant, this was straight up unacceptable. Do you have any idea what kind of fucking panic you caused? Just how frantic everyone was tonight trying to keep calm in this? You caused one of the mods, no not just that, one of my best friends to feel absolutely horrible. They felt so horrible they wanted to scream, and I had to sit and scroll through all this bullshit.

Normally, I wouldn’t be so bothered. Normally I could just let this all slide off me and continue on! But this. This was fucking unacceptable. I don’t care who you are. I don’t care whatever issues you have. You should have known better. If you’re old enough to be using the internet and talking with people, you should have known better by now not to do this ever.

So please. If you’re really sorry. If you hold any true shred of regret. Don’t talk to us ever again. I don’t want to see your kind of talk here again. Let us try to get over this in our own time and grow to trust our own followers and audience again for the fifth time this god damn year. Because if this were up to me you would be blocked from ever interacting with anything we do ever again. Good fucking riddance.

Bandana Moddle Dee: Honestly, it sucks that I have to drop the persona that I like to be for this, but fading away is something that I fear nightly. To essentially be told that I’m a side character hurts. I usually don’t butt in on these since I don’t think what was done was that bad. This is an exception. I’m not sorry. The door is that way.

Mod Susie: Your first ask was an opportunity for us to set a boundary that was overdue to be set. That was me saying 'this is not an okay thing for you to say.' That was strike one. THEN, you came back by digging yourself a deeper hole, trying to defend yourself. Despite this not being the opinion you held, you still tried to defend it. Strike two. Then you pushed the issue ONE MORE TIME. Strike three. I'm glad you apologized. Let me be less vague: This is a boundary. This is a boundary and we will not tolerate it. Thank you. Have a good [timezone].

Mod Lor: I'm like Moddle Dee in that I usually stay out of this sort of thing, but this is too much for me to simply ignore.

Do you have any fucking idea how this makes us all feel?

I don't care what the hell kind of justification you have. I don't give one damn single electron-sized flying FUCK if you thought what you were saying is funny or uplifted the mods you're putting on a pedestal. In the very best case scenario, it was a backhanded compliment. Putting a few of us up on shiny special pedestals, ignoring the fact it implies the rest of us are lesser or inferior. Our activity on this blog isn't a fucking contest.

Now, let me speak about myself for a moment. This is the first group of friends I've had in literal YEARS where I DIDN'T feel like an outsider or extra or third wheel. I've lived practically my entire life feeling like the permanent new kid in school with every group I've been a part of; like I was never part of them really. Sure, people said they were friends with me, but were they really? Or was I just the extra unwanted person that they were too scared to tell to leave? Yeah, just imagine living like that for over a decade..

Things have been different here. I actually feel like one of the members in this group, not an extra.. Do you think for one millisecond that it's ok to invalidate that? To once again label me and others as just side characters among their own friends? Because if you do, here comes a reality check!

This isn't a game. This isn't a fucking TV show, or a book, or a play. We are REAL PEOPLE. We are REAL FRIENDS who run this blog because we wanted to share our enjoyment of a series with our followers. We have REAL FEELINGS. So if you're going to stomp all over that just to make some shitty, unfunny, underhanded joke?

Get the fuck away from us, get the fuck away from this blog, and get the fuck away from this entire god damned website.

[chaoticneutralwriter]

Distance and the Heart

You were convinced that you’ll be fine on your own while he’s gone. After all, all you wanted to do was sit at home and watch BTS videos all day. Instead, you go on a ‘date’, break someone’s nose and dig an even deeper ‘Oh-shit-I-think-I-might-like-my-guardian-demon’ hole for yourself.

You should never be let outside again.

guardian demon!Jimin x reader

genre: slice of life, fluff, slow-burn, supernatural, comedy

word count: 8.1k (I DID NOT MEAN FOR THIS TO HAPPEN)

Related works: Unorthodox | Genuine | 3AM Demon | The Grinch Who Stole New Year

A/N: well this got long....LOL UMM Hope you enjoy it! There’s more plot! And be aware of douchey guys! :DD

“You’re going where now?”

 “Think of it as a ‘performance evaluation’ meeting; you know, the kind you humans have with your boss to discuss how well or not you’ve been doing your job.” He replies back, adjusting the cuffs on his shirt as he stands before your full-length mirror. You try your hardest not to stare at him from your seat by your desk, in the middle of working on some assignments just to get ahead of yourself for the week, but you find your concentration wavering when your mind clearly found something way more interesting to study.

 Jimin is currently dressed in an all black ensemble; a black button down that’s tucked into his black slacks, allowing you the chance to see just how perfectly they hug his thighs and ahem ass. His silvery hair is immaculately coiffed as per usual and as he turns to shrug on the black blazer jacket, embroidered with intricate silver linings, you find yourself very distressed in your seat because your mind is telling you no but your body…. your body is saying hell yes.

 You whip your gaze away, embarrassed by your own thoughts and you hope that your guardian demon hasn’t noticed. Damn him for looking so good.

 “I’ll try to keep the visit short, but don’t be surprised if you don’t see me for a few days.” Jimin makes the final adjustments to his look, brushing away strands of hair that fall out of place over his forehead before turning to fix you with a stare.

 “Don’t worry, take all the time you need.” You encourage, hoping to feign indifference of his departure. It seems to not slip past him as Jimin’s plush lips curl into that damning smirk and to add more insult to injury, he languidly saunters over to you, instantly putting you on high alert.

 “Oh cherub, don’t you know I worry that you’ll probably die from missing me so much?” He singsongs and you blanch in response. “But just so you know, I’m only one call away; hell is completely toll free.”

 He removes his hand previously stuffed into his pocket to pat you on the head mockingly to which you swat at it before it even makes contact with a single strand of hair. You kiss your teeth, annoyed but he just throws his head back and laughs at you. You curse again because as much as you’re irritated, the tinkling sound never fails to make your heart race. 

 “Just go already; aren’t you going to be late or something?” You feebly mumble, turning back to stubbornly burn a hole into your laptop screen. You hear a muffled snort; some shuffling and you finally think you’ve got your deserved peace from this nuisance but then—

 “No kiss goodbye?” 

 On reflex, you hurl your seat cushion at his general direction, only for it to crash against your full length mirror noisily (you wince as little knick knacks nearby topples over from the force), the last remnants of his cackling fading into the air and the only thing you can do is huff out loudly, face blazing. But what you find the most frustrating thing however is that you’re not sure if it’s from anger or from the thought of imagining kissing said demon.

 -

 After about three hours, you shut off your laptop and place your pencil down to heave a big stretch with your arms high above your head. You wince at the kinks and pops of your joints but you’re satisfied with your finished work. Now you can relax and laze around all you want, maybe even catch up on a couple of RUN BTS episodes that you’ve sadly missed due to being so busy.

 “Hey! Y/N, wanna check out this cafe with me?”

 Or not…

 Jaehee’s voice calls out to your from her place by your door, phone in hand to showcase an instagram profile of said cafe she mentioned. You’re a bit hesitant to be honest, feeling like your energy is all spent from working on school stuff that all you wanted to do now was to essentially become a human rock. Jaehee picks up on it, having known you for a while but she must be desperate to get out because she persists.

 “C’mon Y/N! It’s still early and a Saturday plus I know you’re not working tomorrow either!”

 You’re caught in between the pros and cons of staying home or going out because although you’re definitely not opposed to going to a cute little cafe to maybe reward yourself with an iced coffee or latte, you definitely dread the thought of the process to getting yourself ready to look presentable to the world when you’re completely comfortable in your PJs. Your indecision shows and like a bloodhound, Jaehee hones in on it and with a last ditch effort of convincing you, she throws in some puppy-dog eyes and a pout.

 “Please? I really wanna check this place out with you.” 

 The loud sigh you let out is enough to have a smile break out widely on her face, needing no words to know that you’ve given in. With reluctance, you drag yourself up out of your chair to get changed.

 Guess BTS will have to wait a little longer.

 -

 Admittedly the cafe is pretty cute and this iced latte is great so you find the discomfort of being dragged out of the house disappearing. You’re having a good time, laughing at a work story Jaehee is telling you as you’re munching on some fancy looking pastries that should’ve been too good-looking to eat (but that sentiment quickly went away because Jaehee took too long taking photos of it from every angle).

 There’s a lull in conversation as Jaehee takes the time to type something out on her phone, you paying no mind as your attention is more on getting the last of this cheesecake in front you.

 “So Jason; you remember him right? He’s gonna stop by with a friend of his who just moved here to the city. Do you mind if they join us?”

 You’re caught like a deer in headlights, mouthful of delicious desserts. Half of you find that there’s no reason they shouldn’t be allowed but the other half is cringing at the thought of having to interact with people whom you know very little about (Jason has only been a recent thing in Jaehee’s life and from what little times you’ve hung out with him and Jaehee together, you still can’t quite figure out if he’s worth investing in before he’s replaced).

 Rationality wins out eventually, finding yourself no real good reason to say no so you bite the bullet. “Sure, I guess?"

 When you’re halfway through your latte, Jaehee’s phone vibrates and she picks up.

 “Hello?…. Oh you’re here? We’re just inside, come in!” She hangs up promptly with a smile and before you can ask or wonder more on it, the door opens and in walks two guys. You easily recognize one of them as being the one that Jaehee took to the Christmas party as a date so by process of elimination, the other is the friend from out of town.

 He’s quite plain looking; a mop of dark hair and with no striking feature catching your eye other than the fact that he seems quite tall and lanky (but the same can be said about everyone you basically meet). The duo approaches just as Jaehee waves them over, her date going in for a hug to which your friend reciprocates while his friend simply smiles politely on the side.

 “Jason! Glad you could make it, and you must be Mike right?”

 Mike smiles widely and offers a handshake for her, to which Jaehee takes naturally.

 “Yeah, nice to finally meet you.”

 “And this is my friend and roommate Y/N.”

 You smile, taking Mike��s outstretched hand to give a shake as well as giving a simple greeting. Conversations are taken over by Jaehee for a bit before you all collectively decide to leave and walk along the street where the cafe is located. The weather is nice, the air slightly crisp but the real cold was more of something to worry about once the sun goes down.

 You file out of the shop and begin your walk, Jaehee and Jason naturally pairing up to chat, which left you with Mike trailing after them from behind. Oh joy….

 Your heart is beating a little too hard in your chest for your liking, your small bouts of social anxiety creeping in at now being put in a position to make small talk with a total stranger, a skill you haven’t quite got the hang of in all of your twenty-some odd years of being alive.

 “This seems like a really nice place to hang out with your friends huh?” Luckily, Mike’s the first to strike up conversations with you. Pressure relieved, you plaster on a smile.

 “Yeah, most of the cafes and popular eating spots are here….” 

 And that’s pretty much all you get out. You’re starting to get sweaty.

 “What would you recommend here?” Mike persists, seemingly not bothered by what you feel is a conversation struggling to continue every other sentence. He still has a smile on his face which makes his otherwise ordinary features appear more attractive, and coupled by his earnestness to keep talking to you, the friendliness and outgoing characteristics of him becomes more apparent. You find yourself impressed by his efforts of keeping the awkwardness at bay.

 “Uh, I’ve only tried a few places. So far pretty good in my opinion.” 

 “So the cafe today was good then? Because what you were eating back there looks really delicious.”

 “Yeah, I guess. The cheesecake is all right.” 

 It pretty much continues with Mike obviously being the more animated out of the two you as he pretty much chats enough for you both. You find out he’s moved here to attend the local university, the same one Jason goes to and that’s how they became friends and that he’s only been here for a little over two weeks. You nod along, offering comments here and there and the last remains of heart palpitations are thankfully gone.

 “What’s Tsujiro?” Mike suddenly asks as his gaze wanders to a dessert place you’re coming up on. You pause, can’t help but think how the shop name as well known as Tsujiro could slip under someone’s radar at this point. However, you push it aside because who are you judge; maybe he came from a smaller city or town?

 “Oh, uh, it’s a Japanese dessert place; they mainly sell soft serve green tea ice cream in like, tall cups or small ones with other toppings and stuff.” 

 “Oh wow, I might actually want to try one out. Is it good?” He turns to you, bright eyed and you give a shrug and a wry smile.

 “It’s all right.” You say, voice cracking near the end from being unsure. Sure you liked it, but honestly found it too pricey for your taste. 

 You don’t tell Mike that though (who are you to stop him from wanting to try it out; who knows, maybe he’ll like it).

 It seems good enough for him because he makes a beeline into the shop and you call out to Jaehee and Jason to wait up. No sooner, Mike comes out and everyone comments on his chosen concoction from the store; a tall cup of what appears to be green tea smoothie, topped with more green soft serve, a cube of cheesecake (?), sprinkled with mochi and other sweet looking treats. It’s pretty to look at, but the price he tells you were anything but (you’re not surprised).

 Your group walks around a bit more until spontaneously deciding the grab dinner once Mike finishes up with his dessert (“not as good as it looked,” he chuckles disappointingly).

 The restaurant you decide to eat at however was thankfully. You all make good talk with one another, Jaehee, being the ever better socialite than you, does a good job at covering for you both (you have a sneaking suspicion it’s the alcohol you’ve all ordered with your meal). You feel like you’ve filled your quota of talks and keeping up with pleasantries in the face of strangers, though that doesn’t stop Mike from pulling you into conversations every now and then. You throw in a comment or two to suffice.

 Dinner wraps up nicely, the bill is split and you all get ready to leave: Jason with Mike and Jaehee with you. You think you’re in the clear, the slight alcohol enhancing the excited buzz you’re feeling about heading home until Mike calls out to you suddenly at what should’ve been the final exchanges of goodbyes.

 “Hey Y/N, is it okay if I have your number? Would be cool to see you again.”

 You blink, unsure of how to respond. You seldom give your number out to people you’ve only just met, unless the circumstances are called for (i.e. business related, appointment based, or if it’s long overdue if you keep seeing the person). Snobby or uptight aren’t words you would describe yourself with this, but perhaps a combination of pessimistic and realistic is more appropriate; you’ve long made peace with the fact that at this stage of your life, the chances of acquiring any more life-long friends is zero to none. Nine times out of ten, this will be just another number you’ll have to clear out.

 At the nudge of Jaehee’s shoulder, you’re knocked out of your stupor and the realization that you had probably been vacantly staring at him settles as an embarrassed blush on your cheeks. 

 “O-Oh, uh, you have iMessenger? That’s better to get in touch with me.” You awkwardly reach for your phone to pull up the app and Mike laughs good-naturedly, nodding. You exchange contacts and finally, with a breath of relief, you part ways. Not a moment sooner when you had turned the block to the direction of your house did Jaehee pounce on you.

 “So? What do you think of him?” She asks, trying to be on the sly with things but it’s obvious how eager she is to hear.

 “Think of who?”

 “Mike! Jason’s friend.” 

 “What about him?” You’re not seeing the significance of the question nor the person in question.

 “You know… do you think he's nice? Cool? …. Cute?”

 You nearly give yourself whiplash at Jaehee’s choice of questions, turning your gaze onto her expectant ones. You feel your face contort itself into a sort of half grimace and look of incredulity.

 “I only just met him? Like he’s nice, I guess…. Really friendly to people he just met— I don’t know.”

 Jaehee seems to deflate at your lukewarm response. “Really? That’s it?”

 “…. Yeah? Why?”

 She sighs, hand tugging to link arms with you. “Never mind.” 

 The rest of the walk home you’re confused but you’re too tired to really think too much on it at this point. So much so that once you’re in the house, your night routine all blurs together and you immediately fall asleep as soon as your head touches pillow.

 The next morning, you wake up with a groan, stretching your limbs but not quite ready to get up out of your cocoon of blankets just yet. You settle by grabbing your phone to mindlessly scroll through your social media, as one does when they’re intent to make Sunday their designated lazy day. You’re surprised to see a notification for your iMessenger, a face you’re not used to seeing. It takes a moment for it to register as the guy you met yesterday, Mike.

 “Did you two get home alright?” was his written message in the chat box, sent at a time you knew you’d been passed out in the sleep. You do him the courtesy to text back with an apology on the delayed response and that yes, you and Jaehee did make it home safely.

 You go on to open up your other apps, scrolling through your feed, which helps you wake yourself up, more often than not finding BTS content related things. You stop on a video clip compilation of Jimin laughing till he disappears out of frame and it makes you grin. How can someone so cute exist? You hit the ‘like’ button and as you proceed to scroll more, your thoughts shift to the next thing related to said idol.

 Speaking of, you wonder if your demon guardian Jimin-lookalike is back.

 You swivel your head as best you could but find not so much as whiff of the usual lavender and vanilla scent that never fails to follow him.

 Huh….

 You get out of bed eventually, making your way to the kitchen to fix yourself breakfast and find that the house is…uncharacteristically quiet.

 No, it’s always been this quiet. You correct yourself, because it’s true…or was true. Before….

 You huff a sigh, exasperated. Get your thoughts straight girl.

 You continue with your day, making up for the lazing around you missed. Every once in a while, your phone pings with a notification; another sent message by Mike. The conversation was nothing of interest, just more casual talks of what you’re doing and going off on that before the topic is changed, most often by Mike once you’ve ran out of things to say.

 It goes on like that for a couple more days. He messages first always, and you almost dutifully answer back out of courtesy. He truly does seem like a nice guy, polite and easy-going but as much as your conversations with him were good (at a least you think? There were times you’ve haven’t answered for days because you were being swamped with work and school but that still doesn’t deter him), they were still very surface level; not having gone past being ‘good acquaintances’…or more like ‘one-sided good acquaintances’ because you think you know more about him than he does you.

 However, as the days drag on, you find your interest in Mike fading altogether as more other pressing thoughts start to occupy your mind, creeping in and growing like mold.

 Where is your guardian demon?

 Jimin did say the meeting might take more than a few days but it’s almost been more than a week since he’d left. Do meetings in hell usually take this long? More so, why hasn’t the bastard texted you at all? He’s supposed to be your guardian and right now he’s technically neglecting his end of the contract.

 Wait, what are you saying?  

 You flail your limbs in frustration, lying in bed in the middle of the night. You had told yourself that you were going to be a decent human being and go to sleep at normal people time because you’re absolutely beat from the week’s work but instead of drifting off like you thought you would, you ended up reflecting back on the events and had come full circle to the one being who should’ve been your least concerned. 

 Even when he’s not physically there, he still manages to wiggle his way into your thoughts. Unbelievable.

 You drift off eventually, stubbornly muting any train of thoughts that somehow always seem to lead back to him. You wake up a little on the groggy side, as if you haven’t slept at all but it’s the weekend again so you’re not bothered in rushing to get up. Grabbing your phone, you tap it awake to find a message notification.

 Your heart races for a quick second before impassively dropping once your foggy mind has registered the name; it’s Mike. No devil…or demon to be spoken of here. The message preview looks like a good morning text and the beginnings of asking what are you up to and you don’t quite make it that far before brushing it away from the screen; you’ll answer later.

 You mosey along with your day contently, taking time to eating breakfast then getting lost on Youtube (to which you, without fail, ended up watching a bunch of BTS related videos from Vlives to Run episodes to Bangtan Bombs) and even being productive like getting ahead of your studies (though you literally spent a little under fifteen minutes on it but hey, progress is progress).

 It’s around late evening when Jaehee comes knocking on your door, phone in hand once again and a yet another proposition.

 “Hey, wanna head out for dinner with me, Jason and Mike tonight?”

 You blink back at her from your nest of pillows and blankets much like an owl, not giving her an immediate response. She stares right back at you and it would seem like you two were having a silent conversation but you have a sneaking feeling that Jaehee can already see your brain working through all the pros and cons of saying yes or no like you’re Doctor Strange seeing all the possible alternative universes in which to defeat Thanos.

 “Where to exactly?” You ask after a while with slight trepidation.

 “That new Korean BBQ place that just opened up.”

 Damn.

 She’s got you beat. You’ve been eyeing that place for a while now but just never had the time or occasion to go. Not only was it the first branch to finally open here from being exclusively abroad for so long, but the restaurant is only a few blocks down the street from where you and Jaehee live; a true miracle because you had always figured such a popular restaurant would be located more towards downtown (which meant having to commute via subway, ugh).

 And God must’ve cursed you with a gluttonous vice because your stomach rumbles like it had a say in whether you’re going or not, and by the looks of it, you most certainly are.

 So with a defeated sigh, and knowing that Jaehee most likely heard your traitorous stomach even from your doorway, you agree. 

 The two of you meet up with your companions at the restaurant since they were coming from the downtown area so this way it would be more convenient. Jaehee greets the boys enthusiastically, whereas you wave casually, more subdued.

 “Hey, Y/N! It’s been a while since we saw each other.” Mike smiles as he comes up to you. 

 “Uh, yeah it has huh?” You shift a little in place, but you hurriedly follow after Jaehee and Jason who’s already stepped into the restaurant to grab a table. Jason of course, slides in on the bench side with Jaehee…. Which leaves you and Mike on the chairs across. You inwardly sigh out in exasperation. You just want to get through dinner eating the most Korean BBQ you can and with as little small talk as possible.

 To your relief, it wasn’t difficult to do once the food starts rolling out and the grill starts sizzling. For the most part, it works because food is always a great distraction but then the drinks starts pouring and you’d be lying if you said you weren’t totally in love with grapefruit flavoured soju now. Luckily, most conversations stay group oriented and Jaehee takes the lead in most of them, so you bounce off of her topics to make it easier for you to not get stuck conversing with just Mike. 

 As the eating comes to an end and drinks only remain however, you’re left with very little to defend yourself with.

 “So did you see the new Venom movie?” Mike asks you with what you could assume was a playful nudge but all it does is nearly make you slosh your drink. You try not to let the annoyance show on your face as you strain to smile back. 

 “Ah, yeah I did. I watched it online.” You say off-handedly before downing your drink, the sweetness of grapefruit hiding the usual rubbing alcohol burn of the soju, making it far too easy to swallow. You muse absently about how dangerous that can be. 

 “What? Why didn’t you see it in theatres? It was a great movie!”

 It wasn’t that great. But it wasn’t that bad either. You think to yourself but you’re not in the mood to having an extensive discussion with him, head beginning to slightly throb, so you settle to just shrug.

 “I didn’t feel like it. Also, didn’t really have the time.” 

 “Hey, then when we get the chance, maybe we should go see one together.” Mike suggests. You’re about to give a reply that would underlie a soft let down or at least to not get his hopes up when Jaehee exclaims rather excitedly at the suggestion.

 “Oh my god yeah! We should! It’s been so long since I’ve actually went to see a movie in theatres.” 

 “I swear we went to one not too long ago…” Jason comments, trailing off as his thinks back on it.

 “That was in summer, and now it’s winter.” Jaehee turns back to you and Mike in front of her, her excitement not seeming to die down anytime soon as she blurts out a little too loudly. “It can be like a double date!”

 You nearly choke on the soju you’ve been sipping, covering it up hastily with the loud clearing of your throat and decidedly placing the glass down to reach for the cup of cold water instead. 

 “Woah you okay?” You feel Mike’s hand on your shoulder; the sudden contact makes your arm flinch in surprise. You hurriedly gulp down the water, letting the coolness wash over the rough patch in your throat before mustering up a stiff smile in assurance.

 “Y-Yeah, no, I’m fine! Just…. went down the wrong pipe is all.” Your voice comes out hoarse and you cough again to clear it, chuckling nervously. Jaehee laughs as if you just hadn’t nearly choked to death, though she refills your cup of water generously.

 “You need to slow down with that soju. Is it really that good?”

 “Yeah!” You jump on the chance to direct your attention elsewhere, “Really good! I like, almost finished this bottle by myself!” You forcefully laugh; feel your cheeks start to heat up, whether from said alcohol or embarrassment. You start to wonder belatedly if you should check with a mirror to see if you’ve gone as red as you usually do when drinking (boy would that be even more embarrassing!).

 “You know what, I need to go to the washroom. Be right back!” You hurriedly excuse yourself, the chair wobbling as you get up with a stumble.

 “Oh! I’ll come with you!” Jaehee volunteers as she jumps up from her seat, grabbing your arm and dragging you to the ladies’ room. After a quick trip of emptying your bladder, you finally get a look at your reflection as you wash your hands. You’re relieved to find that you’re not completely red, just the slightest shade of pink peeking through your foundation. You note with satisfaction of how high coverage it is.

 “Hey, Y/N!” Jaehee calls cheerfully to you as she steps out of her cubicle with a flush. She comes to stand next to you, bumping your hips before lathering her hands with soap and water.

 “What?” You ask more concentrated in your attempts at patting away some of the oiliness on your nose and chin.

 “I think Mike is really into you.” Jaehee teases, a sneaky smile sent your way but you’re not as amused by the idea as she is. You wrinkle your nose, face scrunching in the mirror in front of you.

 “Um, what makes you so sure about that?”

 “Don’t tell him I told you, but Mike messaged me before we headed out tonight. He said you and him have been hitting it off pretty well.” 

 You furrow your eyebrows because that’s not how you see it and you express that much. Jaehee gives you a look that says she thinks otherwise.

 “The guy’s just super nervous around you. He really wants to get to know you better. Hell, if I wasn’t seeing Jason, I would go for him.” You can see her efforts in trying to get you to sympathize and though you don’t have much to argue against Mike because he really does seem like a nice guy and hasn’t done anything wrong, you don’t feel…. a connection. At all.

 “I mean he’s nice…. I guess? And like we talk, but I just don’t really feel anything? I don’t know….” You reply half mumbling distractedly, not really knowing how to explain but also finding that you don’t really care.

 “Is it because of that other guy who saved you?”

 You swear the speed in which you turn to Jaehee nearly knocks you off your own feet, heart thudding loudly against your ribcage that you have no time to discern if it’s from the alcohol or the thought of your Jimin impostor guardian demon.

 “W-What? Um, no! He’s—We’re not— I mean there’s nothing between us!” You get out, voice raising a little too high that it startles some other ladies who walked in. You shrink back as Jaehee lets out cackles and gives a hearty smack to your back, jerking you forward from the force. She startles you again by abruptly stopping midway to dramatically gasp, eyes wide and gleaming in a way that makes you nervous because inebriated Jaehee is often times too brash and too impulsive for her own good.

 “What if you just…. talk to him?” 

 “Who? Ji—?“ You almost make the mistake of saying his name aloud but you had lit Jaehee to cover for you, even if it was unintentional. 

 “Mike! You need to talk to him���alone.” She cuts you off, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. 

 “I— I don’t get it…?” 

 “You need to get a feel for him in person! And this is only the second time you’ve met and it’s always with me and Jason! No wonder you’re not connecting properly!” 

 “H-Huh?” You’re slow on the follow up because you thought you were still talking about Jimin?

 “I’ll tell you what!” Jaehee laser focuses on you and instinctively, your shoulder hunches up to brace for impact. “Why don’t I leave with Jason so we could give you some alone time?”

 You blink in disbelief and Jaehee pouts at your lack in response. 

 “C’mon, Y/N! How about just…thirty minutes? Yeah, thirty minutes! If you’re not feeling him even then…. then you can leave and I’ll never speak of it again."

 You think that’s about as good as it’s going to get with Jaehee and your mind processes and contemplates it as well. It’s not ideal but you don’t see any harm in chatting a guy one on one for thirty minutes, if it means you could say at least you tried and it’ll put this entire thing to rest once and for all.

 “Okay, fine.” You sigh out with reluctance. “Thirty minutes but that’s it.”

 Jaehee squeals and nods obviously pleased and with one last fluff to her hair, she pulls you out of the washroom and back to your table. Jason and Mike are unsurprisingly chatting it up and having a great time with each other (so much so that you think ruefully that maybe they should be left alone). But at yours and Jaehee’s approach, their attention is drawn, both shooting smiles.

 “Oh you’re finally back.” Jason remarks, “We got another bottle of grapefruit soju since it’s pretty good.” He picks up the green bottle to give it a shake. Jaehee however, makes to pull him up and out of his seat. He follows obediently, although a bit puzzled.

 “Oh sorry, I just remembered I have something to give you Jason so we need to get going.” Jaehee smiles blindingly, cheeks puffing up and eyes creasing as she continues to tug at Jason. “But hey, how about Mike and Y/N finish the bottle? We’ll get the bill this time, our treat! So you just take your time okay?"

 “Oh, uh, sure? If that’s okay?” Mike shifts his eyes to you as you awkwardly shuffle over to make way for the other couple. Your eyes dart to him, a nervous laugh bubbling past your lips as you rub your neck.

 “Y-Yeah, thanks Jaehee…Jason... No worries... I like grapefruit soju….”

 “Great! Then we’ll get going, it was nice seeing you again Mike! Bye Y/N, text me!” And before you know it, Jaehee zips off with Jason in tow and mentally you brace yourself; no doubt that this will probably be the longest thirty minutes of your life.

 Okay, Y/N relax. Just have a casual talk with this guy for thirty minutes and then you can leave and go to sleep. It’s not that deep. You think to yourself as you slide into the bench seat across from Mike who cracks open the bottle and graciously fill your glass for you. You take it with a smile and as he raises his up for you to clink against, you do so before downing it without hesitation, the drink still chilled enough that it seems to cool your nerves.

 Your conversations with Mike were as you had predicted; nothing of interest to note. You talked movies; about the food you just ate which lead to food preferences to other interests that you don’t go too in depth with (at least on your behalf, Mike doesn’t seem shy on talking about how he’s really into cars). 

 Eventually, you make the conscious decision of stopping yourself from taking anymore shots of soju because you realized by the second and a half glass, you’re starting to faintly feel the creeping affects of the alcohol, a light misting of inebriation blanketing your mind causing you to find it difficult to recall how much time has passed. So when Mike had offered to refill your glass, you politely decline. The bottle was still a little more than halfway done, and though Mike attempts to get you to help him out, you were steadfast in sobering up by the time you get to leave.

 Besides, the alcohol is starting to mess with your sense of judgment in which you can actually feel the deterioration of a rather vital thing to your conscious; a filter.

 Which brings you to eyeing your phone surreptitiously from under the table, what should’ve been just a peek to read Jaehee’s text reminding you to call her if you needed anything, turned into a rapidly growing curiosity of ‘what-ifs’ that involve a certain demon.

 What if you just…talk to him?

 You’re hearing Jaehee’s words echo in your head, though you swear somewhere in the back of your mind they’re way out of context. But the point of it remains; what would happen if you were to send a text to him? Would he be annoyed? Would he text back? Hell, you don’t even know if he’s still alive! What if his boss was unsatisfied with his work and just straight up burned him to a crisp with the infernal flames of hell?! Oh my god! Why haven’t you thought of that before?! Now it’s been over a week since you’ve last heard of him you’re so stupid—!

 “Hey, Y/N!” 

 “…Huh? Oh? Sorry did you say something?”

 Mike, who stares at you with a rather glazed look, pulls you from irrationally making one direct call to hell. A quick glance at the soju bottle tells you he’s made good work on it, coming down to the last glassful. A little pink in the face but he still looks way better than you would if you'd down that much soju. 

 “I was askin’ if you had a boyfriend.”

 Oh.

 “Um…’s been a while; got too busy with school and work.” 

 “So…do I have a chance with you?”

 …. HUH?

 You freeze, doing a double take. “W-What?”

 “You know, a chance to be with you…"

 Okay so you didn’t hear wrong. That still doesn’t mean you know how to respond to that appropriately. You didn’t want to hurt him because you’re sure it’s liquid courage that’s making him ask this, also the fact that he hasn’t done anything to upset you.

 “Aha…whoa uh,” You flounder through a nervous laugh because you’d rather get some sort of response out instead of remain silent. “I uh, I…dunno…?” 

 “What’s not to know?” He asks rather boldly and you’re completely taken aback. “I thought we had somethin’ goin’ on.” 

 “H-Hey, I think you’re a nice guy, but I don’t think I'm really looking for a relationship right now. I’m sorry if I lead you on somehow.” 

 “So would you ever love me?”

 Now you’re speechless, can’t really believe just how fast things have snowballed that it almost has your mind sobering up in an instant. You’ve tried your best to let him down gently but it’s like it’s not getting through to him. Perhaps you should take it as a sign as your cue to leave.

 “Uhh…I think I should go. You should go too! It’s…late. It’s been nice.” You slide out from the other side, clutching at your purse and phone. Your heart’s pounding in your chest again and you can feel it pulsing in your ear too. You fumble with shaky fingers to type in your phone’s lock code, getting it wrong twice before getting it right to tap on Jaehee’s number. You press the phone close to your ear, letting the dial tone ring as your feet take you out of the restaurant and onto the streets. The chilly night air does wonders in further clearing your mind but it also makes you painfully aware of how hot your face still feels.

 “Hey Y/N! How’s the date going?” Jaehee’s cheery voice comes through after the third ring. 

 “H-Hey Jaehee! Uh..um…I wouldn’t say well…? He might have had too much to drink so he sorta—“ You’re speed walking in the direction of your home, completely tunnel visioning so you fail to notice a pair of heavy footsteps fast approaching you from behind. A force almost knocks you over; you stumble forward in a mess of legs, fighting to stay upright the same time you feel your phone being ripped out of your grasp.

 “Jaehee? Is that you? Y-Yeah everythin’s okay! I’m okay! Y/N’s takin’ me home now, drank too much haha! She’s just lettin’ ya know! Yeah, yeah no don’t worry! Okay bye!” 

 By the time you’ve righted yourself, Mike’s hung up on Jaehee with the bullshit he’s spewed. You’re absolutely livid when you turn on him with a glare so piercing you’d think Jimin would be proud.

 “What's wrong with you?!” You yell out, trying to snatch your phone back but Mike who’s significantly taller than you, easily keeps it at bay with minimal effort. It only makes you fly more into a blinding rage.

 “W-Wait! Let’s head back to my place and chill?”

 “Like hell I would! Give me back my phone!” 

 “At least walk with me to the subway?” 

 You’re heaving with effort, energy exerted from your fail attempts at getting your phone and your pause to catch your breath must’ve made him think you were going to agree to his request because he’s looking at you hopefully. You wanted to laugh in his face but you’d rather face the devil himself at this point than be with this guy for another minute.

 “I’ll call you an Uber! Now give me my phone!” You seethe.

 “C’mon Y/N, don’t be like that. I’ve been nice to you so can you at least—“

 You swear steam is coming out of your ears at this point, your hands shaking at the audacity and just when you’ve locked in your choice to rugby tackle him with all your body mass, another voice cuts through the both of you.

 “I do believe the young lady said no.” His drawl is a bone-chilling calm that you could almost feel the temperature drop even further by it. 

 Under the flickering street lamp’s light, you catch a wisp of black smoke; the tendrils trail before fading out of sight over Mike’s shoulder. You follow it up until you reach Mike’s hand — the one holding your phone — where you see extra digits wrapped firmly around his wrist, nails digging into the skin. Mike’s head whips behind him alarmed, to reveal the shockingly beautiful face you’ve come to know.

 Jimin stands unperturbed behind Mike who visibly struggles against his hold, even when Jimin is at least a good inch shorter than him. His face an inscrutable mask and eyes swirling a deep garnet, the only thing betraying his utter displeasure.

 “H-Hey what the fuck man! Who are—ARGH!!” Mike’s exclamations turns into a howl of pain at the sounds of a crack, hand dropping your phone to which Jimin smoothly catches and lets him crumple to the ground to cradle his wrist. You step back to avoid being in his line of falling, mouth gaping and trying to catch up with what just happened. So far, you’ve only registered that Jimin is here.

 “Darling you’ll catch flies if you keep that up.” Jimin tuts, stepping over Mike’s curled up body. He takes your hand and places your phone in it and you’re in such disbelief that you nearly drop it. He still looks immaculate as ever, dressed in an all black except this time he’s wearing a cozy looking turtleneck under a leather jacket and fitted jeans. His hair is styled in the usual way it is — coiffed with a few strands hanging over his forehead with such volume that it made you envious— but you’re shocked to see that it was no longer plain silver; there’s a blueish tint to it now. The sight mesmerizes you.

 Jimin goes to say something teasing, you just know it as you see the upturn corner of his mouth but before he can get it out, a shuffling and a grunt from behind makes his face drop back into the frighteningly stony mask again, plush lips drawn into a line. You see Mike stumble to his feet, still clutching at his wrist while trying to burn a hole into the back of Jimin’s head. 

 It was then that you realize that Mike, a human much like yourself, is staring directly at Jimin and now that you think about it, he had also addressed Jimin when he first appeared just as he does now.

 “W-Who the fuck do you think you are?!” Mike growls. Jimin merely scoffs; you don’t need to see his face to know he’s probably rolled his eyes. But instead of addressing the angry man, Jimin slaps on a benevolent smile your way and begins to usher you.

 “Come darling, you must be cold standing out here and we really ought to get—“ He cuts himself off by reaching up and catching a flying fist aimed at him. You gasp out in shock at the speed and the suddenness of Mike actually having the balls to try to throw a punch. Eyes wide, you look up to gauge Jimin’s reaction to find that yes, he looks pissed; jaw clenched and eyes burning with hellfire itself.

 You let out a surprise yelp as Jimin clamps down on Mike’s fist and with little effort, flips him and begins to drag him off, heading to an alley concealed by shadows. You scurry after him after snapping out of your initial shock, panicked and stuttering out words incoherently because you are not going to have another dead body on your conscious, at least not someone who you actually knew no matter how douche-y he turned out to be.

 “I’ll break your other wrist, and then your legs, and then your neck. And if you want a tour of hell, come back three more times.” You hear Jimin spit out between gritted teeth, but you highly doubt it got through to Mike who’s too busy writhing, screaming and cursing from the ground.

 “Jimin! Wait, I said no killing! Jimin! Hey, you jerk! Listen to me!” You had to yell over Mike’s voice, wondering how it is that you guys haven’t woken up the whole neighbourhood yet as you push against Jimin’s very firm chest to get him to halt in his tracks.

 “Sweetie, not now. I need to enact the Lord’s good graces and teach this petulant human some manners.” 

 “That does not make any sense! And—SHUT UP!” The incessant yelling from Mike finally gets to you, having heard enough of his voice for the night as you impulsively deliver an adrenaline filled kick to his face. He knocks out immediately.

Jimin drops his hold on Mike’s fist with an unceremonious thump, bewildered. “Way to kill steal from me, pumpkin.”

 You gasp loudly, nerves shaken from what you just did and what Jimin has just told you as a new wave of rising panic sets in. “O-Oh my god did I actually kill him?! Is he dead?! I didn’t mean—!”

 Your demon guardian throws his head back, a boisterous laughter escaping him as he folds in on himself. You jump back startled and could only stare on in silent horror because of course he would find this funny and would be of no help!

 “J-Jimin! This isn’t funny! What are we gonna do now?!” 

 “Relax darling…” He finally wheezes out, straightening himself up while wiping the corner of his eyes. “He’s not dead, unfortunately; just K.O’ed by a swift kick to the face. Probably broke his nose though so good job on that.” 

 You gape like a fish out of water and all he does is stare back at you with the lingering traces of a fond smile that has your traitor of a heart skipping a beat. Damn him!

 “You—!” You start, huffing and puffing and though words escape you, your fists don’t as you land a hit on his chest. He takes it with little resistant, relenting himself as you let out your pent up frustrations. “You stupid jerk and your pretty stolen face! Just showing up like you own the place without even saying anything to me for more than a week! And then let some other stupid jerk try to get a jump on me! Some guardian demon you are! I could’ve just handled it all myself!” 

 You tire yourself out by the time you’re done your tirade, strength leaving your arms as they slap uselessly against the leather of his jacket until you stop altogether. Jimin’s quiet, the quietest you think he’s ever been. You refuse to make eye contact with him, staring determinedly down on his shiny black loafers but instead of some snarky comment about owing him for using him as a punching bag, you hear a shuffle of movement and then something heavy drapes over your shoulder, a waft of all too familiar vanilla lavender smell easing whatever remaining tension left in your body.

 Your gaze automatically whips up to his. He busies himself securing the jacket to you before his eyes wander to meet yours; the soft brown colour that stares back comforts you.

 “You’ve had a rough night darling, and I’m sorry I wasn’t there. So I’ll forgive you for beating up my Saint Laurent jacket and we’ll call it even?” 

 For a moment, you thought of scowling him and his love for name brand things but all you really want to do now is go home and fall asleep, so you nod softly, giving in. Jimin lets out a quiet chuff of amusement, hand coming up to stroke your hair with a gentleness that has your heart aching with the disgruntlement that you do miss having him by your side.

 “Y/N!” A shout freezes you up like cold water being dumped over your head as you whip towards the source of the call. To your astonishment, you see a familiar face running towards you, her figure unmistakable and as she draws nearer, you can see clearly who it is.

 It’s Jaehee.

 She slows to a stop, panting heavily from how hard she must’ve ran, shoulders slumped as she braces herself on her knees but even then she’s still trying to muster out words in between gasps of breath. “You called and….suddenly Mike was on the phone! Saying how he drank too much? That you were taking him home! And I just…I had such a bad feeling I had to… Are you okay?!”

 Jaehee makes to lunge at you but stops midway as she finally notices your frozen, wide eyed appearance and you see with pinpoint accuracy the way her eyes trail from your face to your shoulders to the extra hand on your shoulder all the way up to Jimin who is quite at a loss for words as well. 

 You watch with baited breath as she squints up at him with a gaze so fixated on analyzing him, a myriad of emotions flitting across her own face before she utters.

 “Have I…seen you from somewhere?”

[forthecrownanimation]

Why I’m gone.

Hello all, my name is monakaliza. But my real name is Nicola.

Im saying this because what about to talk about is real, and I want you all to the real me from here on out.

I want to first start with something that I’m sure has less and less impact each time I say it but I’m sorry. Sorry for not upload, sorry for ignoring asks and sorry for the lack of interaction not just here but on discord and all my social media. I know it means practically nothing but I do intend on finishing part 4, as I know 90% of you follow/subscribe to me for.

A lot as been going on.

At least that’s what I want to say but truthfully not a lot as been going on, there is no excuse.

In the time from part 3 to now it’s been 10 months. I’ve gone to vidcon, I’ve started a bachelor of animation that will go for the next 2 years, and I’ve moved out of my house and moved jobs, and that was just in a span of a month. My birthday rolled around, I broke a relationship off, Christmas and I started a new relationship with my current girlfriend (oh yea I’m bi btw) and In that time 2 trimesters finished.

Writing it all down makes it sound like a lot. Maybe that’s the reality. But through my eyes my reality is different. I felt like it was nothing, that every time I was given a chance to sit down without homework, job, gf, or others it didn’t feel earned. Every time I stopped I felt like I was doing something wrong. Like this was wrong, like I was wrong.

This is anxiety.

I have been diagnosed with anxiety disorder and mild depression for about a year now. I’m suppose to say that it severely affects my day to day life and stops me from doing what I want to do but my brain stops myself from writing this. It tells me “that’s not right, don’t use this as an excuse”.

“You can do this you just don’t want to”

“Your being lazy”

“Selfish”

“Useless”

“You believe in reincarnation right? Why not just stop and try it all aga-“

...

I’m not suicuidal. I’m not sad all the time. These are why I haven’t looked for help, I feel I am not a priority. But this is the kind of thinking that digs me deeper into this hole I have built for myself.

Let me try to swing this back to the issue. I’m not dead. I am trying.

For those who think “it can’t be this big of a deal and it’s only some drawings, get over yourself just start work” well your not alone in your thoughts because I think that too.

It feels like the worst feeling in the world, wanting to do something you love but, can’t.

This isn’t just a hobby for me, it’s my literal life, I’m making a career out of this I want to be more and I want to create and surround my life with it but I just. Can’t.

I can’t.

But I want to.

I just can’t right now.

I’ve told myself that during my breaks I will work on getting my YouTube and online presence back together but it never worked.

So instead I’m gonna do something I hate to do but I have to admit to doing.

Im taking a break.

Yes I know I’ve been sorta on a break from your side but behind the scenes I’ve not received a break, its never been a break for me.

Im kinda tricking myself here, if I say I’m on a break and have to do nothing, Maybe I’ll feel more inclined to work on things I want to work on. Either way. I wanted to let you all know.

I’m not dead. And Nicola loves you all.

I’ll see you all after the break.

[rosesformark]

allure - mark lee : [02]

genre: angst, fluff, college au, fratboy!mark

pairing: mark lee x reader

word count: 5.7k

synopsis: attention and affection, the things he thrived off and wanted most in the world. but would it be at the expense of the one he loves most?

A/N: hi guys! part 2 of allure is finally up hehe :) it was honestly really fun writing when oc and mark met but i didn’t expect for it to end up so long LOL it’s the part in italics which is basically a flashback,, i was going to start the party scene here but i wanted to break up the parts so it’ll be in part 3. hope you guys enjoy the story so far because it’ll get angsty in the later parts :) and i just realized that my fic photo isn’t black haired mark but o well LOL might change later,,, 

also, quick question! are any of you guys going to neocity? :0

*special thank you to @nctmrkl99 and @whatmarklee for the lov and support hehe, you guys ultimately gave me the motivation to post this!! uwu*

MAR. 27, 2019

[2:31 PM]

“I don’t know, I kinda just find it interesting that you guys talk in the first place? You were really close to each other and if I didn’t know any better, I would’ve thought–”

“Soo. Cut it out, we’re just acquaintances.”

You didn’t even bother looking up at Kyungsoo’s accusing eyes as you focused on scribbling the notes from the lecture. He realized that you weren’t going to give him the answer he was looking for and slumped in his seat. It took him exactly four seconds for him to spring back up and made it a point to come closer to your calm figure next to him.

“I heard there’s a party going on at his frat today–”

“There’s a party practically everyday, Soo.”

He narrowed his eyes at your interruption and continued to speak, ignoring your retort, “Are you planning on going?”

You let out a sigh and finally looked up at his eager eyes, settling your aching hand from taking notes down and turning slightly in your seat towards him. You didn’t know why he was being so curious all of the sudden, especially parties. Parties and Kyungsoo don’t mix. You knew he was trying to provoke a reaction out of you and weren’t letting up.

You gave him a look as you held eye contact with him, seeing just how curious he was being. A couple seconds passed between you two as the professor’s rambling voice reminded you of the notes you had to take. You turned back towards your paper and sighed, “Even if I planned on going, it wouldn’t be for him.”

“So you are going.”

Kyungsoo’s voice turned more accusatory if that was even possible. It made the guilt from not telling him of your relationship with Mark arise again but you quickly swallowed it down, ignoring the ball in your throat.

“Yes, Soo, I am going. I’m a sophomore in college, why can’t I go to frat parties? They’re fun”

“You never bothered going to parties before.”

“I did, you just never saw me going to one.”

It was true, even before meeting Mark, you went to frat parties with your other friends. You knew that Kyungsoo more often than not preferred to stay in to study so you never bothered asking him to go to one.

You didn’t realize that your tone slowly became more exasperated as Kyungsoo let out a heavy sigh, glare turning into a subtle pout. When you say subtle, you mean subtle. Kyungsoo was known for a lot of things, but adorable was not it, excluding towards you, his best friend.

“Y/N, I’m not trying to interrogate you, okay? It’s just that, you know that I don’t like Mark and I don’t want you to get hurt. Friendship or not”

Oh, there goes the guilt coming up again.

You slowly looked up to his eyes again, this time they were softer and you could see the protectiveness in them. You didn’t understand why he didn’t like Mark so much, whenever you tried bringing it up he would always change the subject. Assuming that it’s a sensitive topic, you never pressured him but your curiosity never faded. You felt the twinge of guilt hit your heart as the reminder that you’re lying to your best friend flashes through your mind right next to his pout.

You treaded lightly with your next words, “Soo… Underneath his little act, Mark’s a nice guy. Why not give him a chance?”

A shadow passed through his face as he chose to stay silent and wordlessly turned towards the front, successfully ending the conversation. Your shoulders sagged a little at his lack of response. In a perfect world, your best friend would approve and get along with the guy you liked. Sadly, that was not the case for you and your mood turned almost sour as the silence dragged on and enveloped the both of you.

No words were exchanged during the rest of the lecture and the slight tenseness was smothering you. You ached to break the tension but one look at Soo’s blank face made you turn back towards your notes until the lecture was finally over and both of you started packing up.

You smiled a little seeing how Kyungsoo still decided to wait for you even though he was peeved. He patiently waited at the corner of your desk as you packed up the last of your pens and highlighters, then hoisted your backpack onto your shoulder.

Loud chattering broke your focus from Soo as your eyes drifted towards the noise. Your heart skipped a beat as you saw Mark boisterously walk into the lecture hall, gaining the attention of others who immediately greeted the most popular boy on campus.

No matter where he went Mark always had the attention on him, mostly in a positive way. He outshined others with his personality, academics, and charm and that ultimately had boosted his confidence and how he interacted with others. He was like a star, drawing in others with merely just his presence and successfully capturing their attention.

Just like how he did with you.

Your eyes lingered on him as he strided up to his group, waiting for all of them to head out and grab lunch. You couldn’t take your eyes off on the way he shone, the way he grinned and talked with multiple people with ease. It was fascinating seeing him in his social zone.

Kyungsoo’s impatient, but gentle, shove broke you out of your trance and you wordlessly started walking down the stairs and towards the door. Your cheeks burned at the fact that Soo clearly caught you staring at Mark but you couldn’t help but take another glance.

There was a familiar tug at your heart as you saw a smirking Mark swing an arm around a girl’s shoulder, you recognized her as Jisoo, one of the girls in his designated group. The action could’ve been seen as friendly but the way Jisoo blushed and leaned her head on his shoulder proved otherwise.

It was a friendly gesture, you told yourself.

Just a friendly gesture.

Even as your eyes started looking a little more sad, you continued walking at the same pace, not wanting to draw attention and cause traffic. However, your efforts were futile as the guy walking in front of you suddenly stopped walking to greet Mark, making you smack in the middle of his back. For a second, your textbook dug harshly into his back making him yelp unnecessarily loud out of pain.

His whole body indicated heavy annoyance as he was prepared to turn around and snap at you for not paying attention (Even though it was his fault for stopping out of nowhere). Before he noticed you though, Mark clapped him on the shoulder and greeted him loudly, shifting the boy’s attention from the pain to the man of the hour (or year).

You didn’t get a chance to see Mark as Kyungsoo swiftly maneuvered you around their interaction and towards your escape from the wild beast. You internally thanked Kyungsoo for thinking ahead of you but you longed to look at the boy that you were infatuated with. Kyungsoo showed no signs of stopping so right before walking out, you peered over your shoulder to catch a glimpse of him. You blushed yet again as you caught Mark already looking at you and smiling softly in your direction. Upon noticing your attention, his smile turned into a grin as he dropped his left eye into a wink then turned back to his friends. Just from that little acknowledgment, your body heated up in happiness and you smiled softly to yourself. Not being able to interact him in public made the small gestures mean even more to you. You knew it was borderline dangerous but Mark made feeling things so easy that you found yourself not caring that you were digging your own hole deeper and deeper.

He made falling in love too easy.

“...party with you.”

Kyungsoo’s voice startled you from your train of thought as you looked up at him as both of you made your way to the campus dining hall.

“Sorry, what did you say?”

Kyungsoo’s eyes turned towards you and for the first time in a while, you couldn’t read his expression. It was like a mix between comprehension and worry, making you feel uneased underneath his gaze.

“I said, I’m going to the party with you.”

Surprise was shown on your face as you opened your mouth to question him, though he beat you to your own question.

“As you said, I’m a sophomore, why can’t I enjoy my college life while I can and go to a frat party to have fun?”

You narrowed your eyes at his retort and reference to your previous words. It felt sketchy, Kyungsoo wanting to go to a party, it made the uneasiness settle even deeper. He continued staring straight ahead as your skepticalness was showing so long as he was deliberately avoiding eye contact.

After a couple of seconds, it didn’t make you feel any better when he followed up with, “Besides, I’m your best friend, we should be partying together, don’t you think so?”

⋯

NOV. 15, 2018

[11:07 PM]

As you entered the bass filled house, the smell of alcohol mixed with pineapple flavoured vape immediately hit your nose. Your group of friends surrounding you erupted in cheers at the lively atmosphere and bee-lined for the dance floor, pulling along your laughing figure as a familiar song came on and your body danced to the beat.

You were in the middle of the dance floor as beams of light kept hitting everyone at different angles. Everyone besides you were either swaying side to side or getting it down with their partners. At first you were a bit stiff and nervous, seeing as this was your (along with your friends) first frat party, you wanted to watch yourself. But naturally, your body started moving along to the music and it made you feel less tense and anxious, not even five minutes passed before your skin started prickling with sweat and your heart was beating with adrenaline. You grinned at your friends having the time of their lives and motioned to them that you were going to the kitchen for a drink, expecting them to follow along.

Halfway towards the kitchen, you turned back and realized that your friends were in fact not following you and you were by yourself. Your body stiffened with nervousness and your confidence dwindled a bit as the area around suddenly became so much smaller. Pushing your nervousness aside, you continued your trek in getting a drink because you were at the point of dehydration where you could feel yourself passing out any minute.

Entering the kitchen, you scrunch your nose in disgust at the sight of at least three couples heavily making out. One pair was going at it in front of the fridge, where you assume the drinks would be. You were about to tap on the guy’s shoulder when his partner suddenly flipped them around and aggressively attacked his neck. Your eyes widened in slight shock and that’s when you decided to pivot on your heel and out into the hallway again.

Maybe there was a water cooler somewhere else, you thought. You’d go through hell and back before interrupting a couple on the verge of practically doing the nasties right then and there in the kitchen.

The dim lighting in the house was obscuring your vision as you made your way around the house. You didn’t notice a sudden hand reaching out and tugging your wrist into a separate room. You yelped in surprise as the door slammed shut and whipped around in defense mode, heart going a hundred miles per hour.

Your eyes met with one of your friends that you came to the party with, body relaxing just a tiny bit as you gave Eun-ji a questioning gaze. You noticed her eyes were a bit hazy as she was leaning more than she should on a boy standing next to her.

“Y/N! We were about to play a game and I saw you walking by! C’mon, we need one more girl playing.” Eun-ji didn’t give you a chance to reply as she dragged you towards the circle of people in the middle, plopping you down on the couch right next to her. You grabbed both her shoulders before she could pull away and looked into her eyes in worry. Her face was extremely flushed as she playfully pushed away your hands despite your protests.

Your eyes darted to the boy she was leaning on before and saw him passing a blunt to her lips. She graciously took in a breath and giggled at your worried expression.

“Y/N I’m fine! Loosen up a little, here! By the way, this is Johnny.”

She passed you a red solo cup and you winced at the amount of vodka sloshing around in it. You’ve drank before but with your friend clearly intoxicated, you didn’t want to risk being out of it too in case something happened.

You also just felt extremely uncomfortable in this setting and it was putting off your mood to party.

Eun-ji kept on giggling as her attention focused on the boy you supposed was Johnny as he smirked at her attention and started whispering in her ear, with her shamelessly responding to his flirtatious actions and feeling around his chest.

You took a moment to finally scan your surroundings, the bass from the living room was slightly muffled from the closed door and there was a machine in the corner that caused beams of lights to bounce off the walls that mimicked the ones in the living room. There were, you estimated, 15 people scattered in the room, with an equal ratio of girls to guys.

That was when you recognized one by one that the guys in the room were in fact the group of boys hosting said party you were in. You didn’t know them too well but from what you’ve heard, they never failed to throw the biggest parties and have quite the experience with girls, especially Mark, the guy who ran the whole frat. You thought you’ve never seen any of them before but a couple faces you recognized, Donghyuck and maybe, what was it, Jeno? Most of them were paired up with another girl and were flirting up a storm, except for one black haired boy that stood up and started gathering everyone’s attention.

You did a double-take as even in the poor lighting you could tell the guy was extremely attractive. He was clad in a black, floral button up with multiple necklaces hung around his neck, hair parted slightly to the side and swept in with a comma look.You could tell he was the most sobered up one out of everyone as his eyes darted around with clear intent and no haziness detected.

Well, maybe a little but you were sure it was from the adrenaline.

He was looking around the room and when his eyes landed on you, you took a sharp breath in. His eyes were intensely looking into yours and even from far-away, you saw that they were glittering and pulling you into their abyss. They were brown, very dark brown, and almost intrusive-like when he eyed you curiously. It was like the whole room stopped and it was just you two there, endlessly staring into each other’s orbs.

You could tell he was equally as affected as you were when he blinked out of his trance and shook his head a bit to gather his thoughts. He followed up with a smirk that made your heart skip a beat and proceeded to turn to the others. You looked around and saw that none of them noticed your little moment and was rather focused on their partner of the night. Attention was immediately drawn to him naturally as he held an air of confidence and poise, the other girls were swooning over him before he even talked and you wondered just who was this guy that held so much power.

“Okay, let’s all gather in a circle and we’ll start”

His voice was husky and you shivered in your spot, heart beating faster and faster when he walked up to the spot next to you and sat down near your feet on the floor. You could only see his hair from your angle and you had to refrain from running your hands through it as it softly bounced up and down when he settled into his spot.

Your attention shifted to a boy across the room who was chugging a half empty bottle down his throat. Everyone around him was cheering as he finished the bottle within seconds and placed it in the middle of the circle. His eyes were wild with intoxication as he grabbed his own solo cup from a table nearby.

“Hey guys, I’m Yuta and before everyone starts making out, let’s all take a shot!”

Bottle? Circle? Making out?

Everyone cheered and raised their cups up and that was when your mind put everything together and realized you stumbled yourself into a game of 7 minutes in heaven. You whipped your head to Eun-ji who pulled you into the game in the first place and saw her happily taking her shot instead, not noticing your glare.

“And I mean, everyone.” Yuta’s voice caught your attention as he made eye contact with you and winked before knocking back his own cup, everyone clearly taking more than one shot.

You looked around nervously as the others were finishing up with their cups and Yuta started going around with a bottle to refill them back up. It’s just a little shot, you thought. Your hands started getting more and more clammy the closer Yuta got to you. Along the chain of refilling cups, Johnny didn’t finish his shot in time which made Yuta pour more than what was in there before, cheering loudly as Johnny was encouraged to chug more and more.

You kept staring at the liquid in the cup, contemplating why you were here in the first place. You felt anxious, pressured, and all things bad. You should’ve known you had to drink at some point and you dreaded the burning feeling you would feel in your throat–

You blinked for one second and realized that you were no longer clenching your cup, feeling someone swiftly snatch it out of your hands.Your eyebrows scrunched in confusion as you looked to your left and saw that the black haired boy next to you grabbed your nearly full cup and shoved his empty one into your hands. He knocked your cup back with ease and experience, not wincing at all at the bitter taste and swiped a lime from a nearby table to suck on just in time for Yuta to come by and refill your cup.

“Took you long enough, princess. Here’s for round two” Yuta winked at you yet again and took the liberty of refiling the cup in your hands back up to the top, repeating the action to the boy next to you.

Yuta moved onto the next person in line as it took you a moment to comprehend what was just happened. The boy next to you just drank for you. He wordlessly took your cup and drank for you when he didn’t even know you. A smile tugged at your lips as your heart warmed at such a genuine action that you couldn’t help but glance at him again.

His eyes were already on yours when you turned and it made your heart skip a beat again. (Damn Y/N, get it together!) Maybe it was the dimmed lights or you were second-hand high but your mind couldn’t help but bring its walls down one by one the longer you stared at him. He was leaning back against the adjacent couch and rested his head in the palm of his hand, lazily drinking the sight of you in and grinning. You were about to ask for his name when Donghyuck(?) interrupted you by going in the middle and explaining the rules of the game.

“Okay, ladies and gents, here’s how it's going down. We’re gonna spin the bottle twice and whoever it lands on gets to have their lucky time in the room out that door.” He stopped and pointed to one of the doors that you assumed lead to another bedroom. He turned back towards the group with a grin, “A twist though! After the bottle is done being spun, the one who got picked first gets to choose whether or not they want to have their 7 minutes in heaven or not. If yes then you have to go in! No excuses, or else whoever refuses has to finish this entire bottle.” Donghyuck smirked and held up the bottle that was used to refill all the cups and you saw that there was well over half left in it.

Your mouth dried at the thought of drinking the rest of it. The chances of you getting picked was low, right? And even then, as long as you were picked first, then it didn’t matter because you would choose no.

Your eyes caught the attention from another boy across the circle. He was staring at you but it wasn’t like the gaze that the boy next to you had, it was sleazy as his eyes raked up and down your figure in an extremely unsettling way. He licked his lips and sent an unflattering wink across the room that had you looking down in embarrassment and discomfort.

“Let’s start!” Donghyuck spun the bottle and the game had officially begun. One by one, people were being chosen by the bottle and so far no one has said no. The first half hour consisted of couples coming out the room together with flustered faces as the sexual tension grew stronger by the minute. Everyone was excited when the bottle landed on them as you assumed it was because everyone in the circle was actually really attractive.

You, on the other hand was just not feeling it. You wanted to have a good time with your friends, not participate in some dumb kissing game that was only an exchange of germs everywhere.

The bottle was spun again as it slowly landed on a girl that you recognized to be a classmate, Jisoo. She was extremely pretty and smiled at everyone as she leaned forward to spin the bottle again, eyes lingering solely on the boy next to you.

You admit that your heart sunk a bit when it actually landed on the boy who has been on your mind for the past hour or so. Jisoo squealed delightfully as she wasted no time in standing up and holding a hand out for him to reach for.

Your heart sunk yet again when you saw him smirk and reach for her fingers. She shamelessly giggled at him as she dragged him towards the room that has been hastily occupied by couple after couple. The last thing you saw before the door closed was Jisoo flinging herself at the boy and attaching her mouth against his. He didn’t hesitate in reciprocating as the door slammed shut and everyone was whooping from outside.

You can’t say that you weren’t disappointed. Hell, you didn’t even know the guy but you thought that there was something spoken between the eye contacts both of you exchanged. Maybe it was just in your mind though, maybe he did that with all the girls he comes across with just to pull them in. You should’ve known better than to actually expect something from a frat boy at a frat party. You couldn’t help it though when your mind kept reeling back to his warm, beautiful, captivating eyes.

7 minutes felt the longest when finally the door opened up and the cheers were heard again as the couple stepped out. The boy’s hair was clearly ruffled and messed with as Jisoo looked even more flustered than ever. Both of them had slightly bruised lips as Jisoo giggled and reached for his hand to hold. It surprised the both of you when he simply ignored her and bee-lined to his spot next to you again, smirking at everyone except for her as she wordlessly took her seat, eyes glancing almost desperately at the boy for eye contact.

You didn’t know what to think, from your angle, you saw many hickies dotting around his jawline so you thought he had enjoyed it. Why did he ignore her like that? A bit of an asshole move if you asked yourself.

Almost as if he could hear you, he turned his heads towards you and raised an eyebrow.

“What’s an asshole move?”

You gasped quietly and brought your hands up to your mouth, realizing that you were voicing the last bit of your thoughts out loud. You stammered out a “nothing” before facing forward and ignoring his prying eyes on the side of your face.

“Okay! Last one before we end this game and go back out to party!” Donghyuck exclaimed. “Mark, would you do the honors?”

Mark?

The black haired boy reached forward and spun the bottle and your eyes widened. Mark? Head of frat boy Mark? Player Mark? The one that Soo hates Mark? The boy who you were completely infatuated with for the past hour?

Your confused state almost made you miss the fact that the bottle landed on him again and people started cheering for him. He laughed before spinning the bottle again and you shivered at the sound of his deep, breathy laugh.

You were staring at the blue and purple spots on his neck when another round of cheering caused you to look up. You blinked as everyone was staring at you with wide smiles and choruses of “Okay Mark, get it!” echoed around the room. Your eyes darted to the bottle and indeed, it has landed on you.

“No– I, uh, I don’t–” You frantically gestured no with your hands as you felt someone grab them while you were flailing about. Your head whipped to Mark as he pulled up off the couch and lead you inside the room. Your mind was reeling with what was happening and all of the sudden the door closed and you were standing between Mark’s legs as he sat on the bed.

No, you guys weren’t kissing. He was simply staring at you while resting his hands on your hips. Your hands were fidgeting around, not knowing where to place them when Mark grabbed both of them to rest around his neck, then settled back on his spot on your hips again.

In this moment, it felt right. He felt like a missing puzzle piece to your body, fitting in the right places but not in an unsettling way. It was comfortable and his gaze on you made your body burn hot as you subconsciously fiddled with the hair at the nape of his neck.

He was holding your eyes captive again. Why did he have such a strong effect on you?

“We don’t have to do anything, if that’s what you’re wondering.”

Your ears perked up at his deep yet soft words. It was quiet between the two of you, the music in the background barely being heard.

“Then why did you bring me in here? You could’ve said no if you knew I wasn’t going to do anything.”

He stared at you as you spoke, not answering your question but just staring. You thought he was offended so you began pulling away but his grip on your hips tightened and pulled you closer.

“As cheesy as it sounds. I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to just stare at you.”

Your cheeks heated up as you shyly looked down. Your thoughts were racing at his statement. So he felt the same way as you? Why was he being so awfully sweet? He didn’t like that you looked away so he used one of his hands to lift your chin up, effectively capturing your gaze again.

“There’s just something about you. If it were up to me, I could just stare at you all day.”

You stared at his lips as he spoke, his tone sounded so sincere, so genuine that you couldn’t help the smile that graced your face as his eyes lighted up at the sight of your beautiful smile, it was breathtaking to him.

He was being so sweet, so unlike his actions towards Jisoo just minutes before. Which reminded you as you darted your eyes towards his neck and saw the hickies littering his skin. You gently brushed your fingers against the marks as you felt goosebumps arise after your touch.

“Very unexpected for the Mark Lee to say, wouldn’t you think so?”

“So you’ve heard about me?” His ears perked up at your question, eyebrows also raising in question. “I hope all good things.”

“Hmm, it depends on how you look at it.” You playfully responded as his lips turned up into a knowing grin. He knew of reputation and clearly wasn’t ashamed of it, in fact it almost seemed as if he embraced it. “Which makes me wonder if you’re just all talk or do you actually mean the things you say.”

His eyes lingered on you as you spoke, like he’s mesmerized by your voice. “Believe me love, when I say that I can’t stop looking at you even if I tried to. I wouldn’t even mind a kiss or two.”

His grin was wide as he said those words and it made you question his intentions again. You guessed your face contorted with disgust as he let out a hearty laugh at your expression.

“I’m just kidding baby, don’t take it so seriously.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if you weren’t, seeing as you’re excellent with the ladies.”

“But you feel different.”

His words took you by surprise as he said them seriously without hesitation. Your heart stuttered at his next words, “I feel so many things when I look at you. It’s like I’m floating high above the ground but at the same time, I’m grounded.” He whispered the words into existence as he tucked a strand of loose hair behind your ear. “I don’t even know you and you make me feel this way. Crazy, right?”

Crazy enough that you felt the exact same way with him. Though, you didn’t voice this out loud. You stared at his glinting eyes, his eyes that showed no signs of joking and just pure adoration. From the bruised lips to the high cheekbones that showed when he smiled, he was breathtaking in every way possible and you couldn’t look away. His black hair melded into the darkness as you finally reached up to run your fingers through it. He sighed in content as his whole being relaxed in your arms and the moment was so peaceful, you would give anything to not break it.

Sadly enough, a round of knocks interrupted your moment as Donghyuck’s impatient voice shouted through the door, “Hey! Your 7 minutes passed like 5 minutes ago, quit your nasties and come out so we can all have a final shot!”

You pouted at the moment broken as you unwillingly pulled away from Mark as he stood up from his spot. His eyes looked a little hazed out of nowhere and he seemed discontent to move away.

Nevertheless, he gave you a smile and said, “I’ll drink your shot if you’d like.”

You chuckled, “No thanks, I’ll just leave before he can give me one.”

“Like that’ll work.” He playfully rolled his eyes as you smiled at his teasing tone. “I didn’t even get a thank you.”

Maybe it was because the moment was too perfect that you didn’t want to break the chemistry both of you had, or maybe it was the fact that he was being so unlike all the rumors you heard of him. You knew for a fact that it wasn’t the alcohol talking since you didn’t drink at all but you really weren’t sure what compelled you to reach up on your tiptoes and press a soft kiss to his lips.

He froze at your action as his whole body stiffened at the unexpected contact. It wasn’t a crazy or intrusive kiss but it had the effect of seeing stars and fireworks behind your eyes. It was a small, slight peck compared to the aggressive one Jisoo had delivered before that you chuckled a bit at his confusion of such an innocent kiss. You pulled away with a smile to catch him still closing his eyes and you internally cooed at such an adorable sight.

“Thank you, Mark” You whispered as you saw a visible shiver run through his body at the sound of your voice. You wholeheartedly smiled before turning towards the door.

You were about twist open the knob before he tugged you back by the wrist and frantically spoke out, breathlessly, “Wait, I didn’t even get your name?”

You looked back and he seemed so adorable and flustered in the moment that you couldn’t believe that this man was the head of his frat. His walls were down as his eyes displayed a sort of desperateness to it and you knew this feeling was unfamiliar to him.

“Maybe I’ll tell you the next time we talk.” You smiled after your response and just as you saw the protests coming out of his mouth, you slipped out of the door and away from the prying questions from the others. You felt Jisoo’s eyes lingering on you as you walked towards the door. Ignoring the other’s protests from walking out on them, you exited and went back into the bass filled living room.

Throughout the whole night and even before the both of you fell asleep, a smile was set on both yours and Mark’s face as you longed to see one another again, to shamelessly fall in each other’s abyss without a care in the world.

⋯

[starryevening]

2020 Resolutions

Kind of have a habit of writing these on whatever platform I use most every year. It’s very self indulgent! and mostly for my own benefit.

Life & Living

Become comfortable with your own company

Friends and family you assumed would be there your whole life, are now gone. Some left with vitriol, some left unexpectedly, some left the world entirely. You’ve spent the majority of this year grieving losses. While it’s not wrong to grieve and to acknowledge the hole that their presence once filled, it’s important to become more comfortable with the concept of being alone.

It is something you struggle with deeply. It is not something I expect to become resolved in one year, but something there should be active steps towards. We’re not aiming to isolate, only to become better adjusted for the long periods of time that might come without loved ones. And trying to become a little less dependent on that need for outside validation.

Take yourself out to movies. To coffee shops. Make a point to do small things you enjoy, by yourself. You don’t need permission from another person to enjoy yourself.

Return to Old Hobbies  

As a part of becoming comfortable with your own company-Return to solitary tasks that you enjoy outside of how you typically make art. There are many unread books on the shelf. There are many old art and craft supplies gathering dust. Games you’ve wanted to try and have put off. These are things you can and should return to when you are alone. Giving yourself some things you enjoy and can do alone would be wise, especially to prevent art burn out.

Read more, return to some less art focused crafts, listen to some good podcasts, and play some new games.

Socialize, Be Less of a Flake

The flip side to becoming more comfortable with yourself. While I’d like to see you become less sad and confused when alone, it doesn’t mean I want you to force it upon yourself. Currently, being out of both school and regular work means your social circle closed significantly. Take it upon your self to socialize more in person. While online interactions are wonderful, you do need to get out more too. And when someone reaches out, say yes more often. Don’t dip out of plans at the last second in a panic. You regret it almost every single time.

Go out of your way to meet people, and say yes ( and mean it ) when they offer their time.

Health

Mental Health

Ironically you’ve managed to switch your balance in prior years. You were on medication and out of therapy. This past year, You have been moderately regular with therapy but stopped medicating. This isn’t inherently bad, but mental health requires upkeep. With your own insurance card, this should become easier. Start trying to do deeper dives into grief as opposed to surface level conversations. Start seeing out things you can do at home to cope and self regulate between sessions.

Keep going to therapy, but dig deeper. Develop outside tools.

Physical Activity

You’ve got a gym membership through the family. That’s lovely, and should be used while it lasts. Currently, the best way to integrate this easily into your schedule is to go after every therapy session. I would ideally love to see you at the gym once per week regularly. Ideally more. Beyond the gym itself, finding excuses to walk will help your leg. It will help your leg heal, help you even out the remnants of atrophy and ease tense scar tissue.

Swim more. Walk More.

Physical Health

You have a limited amount of time on your parents insurance. Use it wisely. This is uncomfortably enough, the best year to start some important checkups you’ve put off. There is no better time to try and get a handle on your health situation so you’ll be better informed when you’re without insurance.

Do a Physical. Go to a Dentist for the first time.

Eating Habits

This is a touchy one. It always has been. Between poorly coping with grief, and setting everything else aside to focus on finals, your food habits have become pretty bad. They need sustainable reform. I know better than to try anything radical, but you need to try to go to habits you found both enjoyable and maintainable in the past. Cooking a meal from scratch every other week. Limiting ordering out. The works.

Art & Profession

Improve on Deadlines

Your biggest weakness as an artist and professional is the way in which you handle deadlines. It always has been and while I don’t expect that to change overnight, there need to be some active steps towards maintaining better time schedules. Calendars and lists seem to be helping but I’d like to buckle down and try to push this further. You are the biggest thing standing in your way more often than not.

Explore Long Term Career Choices

You finished Art School. I’m impressed, but as much as I want to celebrate it, we’re left in a strange position still struggling to be qualified for most work we enjoy. Over the next year I want you to research routes that might lead you to a first career. A more singular goal beyond ‘I want to do art’. At the moment we’re eying teaching and I really support that. Regardless of what route you choose, by this time next year I’d like to see you on a more clear career path, even if you aren’t ‘there’ yet.

Market Your Artwork & Self

You’ve actually done a phenomenal job of it in the past few months, but I want to encourage the trend to continue. Posting regularly on social media, adjusting your commission information have all created some more interest and work. Continue this trend and start adding on small feasible extras. A Patreon or Ko-fi would be ideal. An art give away, and occasional bit of fan art will help. Setting up easy systems to prep work for social media ( including creating a signature ) will expedite this. Create business cards for the love of god. You are getting there though, just build on the solid foundation.

Create a Store & Merchandise

You’ve been applying to table at conventions more, which is a lovely route to pursue. Every time you go, you think of projects you could’ve or should’ve sold. This year I want to push you to do these. The scale of which should be informed by logical choices ( If you don’t get accepted into any conventions, there’s not a lot of point in say, creating a huge line of enamel pins ) but a few prints and an online storefront seems like a very manageable way to add onto your ‘freelance’ work pile.

Create one New Comic

The past two years have been especially rough in terms of developing longer form works. It’s understandable due to the rather jarring and dire circumstances. However, I really want to update your portfolio and give you something fresh to bring to conventions. I’d like to see you create at least one new Comic/Zine this year. Minimum 20 pages, something a little more solid. It doesn’t have to be a magnum opus but you have a lot of works in progress that could use some love.

Create one Video

Oh this is a weird one isn’t it. You’ve been toying with dipping your toe back into youtube in some way now for awhile. I’d like to see you commit to it a little bit. Create one video. Either an animation or a tutorial like you’ve thought about, and see how it goes. You may not end up enjoying it or sticking with it, but you haven’t tried in ages. It would be nice to see you go through the process.

Create Six New Portfolio Pieces

Six is a scary but doable number. Your portfolio is decent at the moment but there are some older works I’d love to cycle out with new projects. Throughout the year I’d like to see six new additions to your portfolio site. They can be of any content ( Illustration, Comics, Character Designs, Colorist jobs, etc. ). But I would like to see most of the pre-2017 work rotated out, and this number over the course of the year feels feasible.

[jkottke]

Noticing Excerpt: Getting lost on the internet

Each week (more or less), I write a newsletter for Kottke.org called Noticing that summarizes the previous week, looks for deeper connections between some of the material, and expands on one or more of the shorter quicklink posts that didn't get the full blogpost treatment the first time around. Here's an excerpt from this week's newsletter, on the internet and wasted time.

...

If all art aspires to the condition of music, then all media aspires to the condition of television. Television is passive and active, shallow and comprehensive, cheap and expensive, gratuitous and mandatory -- an easy way to waste time, where you can find anything you want, but it all just sort of happens to you, without frustration or interference.

Dan Nosowitz's "I Don't Know How To Waste Time on the Internet Anymore" strikes a chord partly because it shows how the web has become too much like TV (too much corporate control, homogeneity, amateurs playing at being professionals in all the wrong ways), but also not enough like TV (delivering easy entertainment in bingeable quantities). You can still get lost down a rabbit hole on the web, but you have to work at it, and the results aren't as satisfying as they used to be.

A lot of this rings very true to me. Some of it is unquestionable: the bottoming out of the ad market, and everything that caused that, has made it really hard for niche, indie web sites with an unusual point of view to survive. The commercial websites and traditional publishers who colonized that space are a lot more same-y and predictable.

Social media also transforms our experience. You used to be able to come across a blog or forum post, in your RSS feed or straight up navigating in your browser, and have a relatively fresh and unmediated reaction to it. You could then share that reaction on your blog or wherever. Even the blog style favored generous blockquotes as much as it did hot takes. Now everything feels a lot more picked-over. Something like Yanny vs. Laurel, by the time you actually listen to it for yourself, you've seen friends scream at each other at the top of their lungs, a half-dozen quickly-manufactured memes, a dozen or so copycat posts, and five or six scientific explainers or web spelunkers who've traced the auditory hallucination's journey from the web's bowels to its front pages. All of the moves have been mapped out. There aren't a lot of surprises any more.

Trust me: I spend most of the week looking for things that I hope will surprise and delight Kottke readers for the one day of the week I manage the site. They don't just float to the top.

So what does this mean? Paradoxically, wasting time is now more work. You can certainly do it -- the web is as full of nonsense as it ever was -- but you have to look a little bit harder. You have to learn some new things. You have to find your own corners charting unmonetizable enthusiasms. It's not just going to happen to you. You have to dig your own rabbit holes.

The other thing is that I've come to treasure people who are genuinely inventive and interactive on social media. Finding people who will riff with you and are skilled at interjecting weirdness and intellect is becoming more valuable, to me, than people who have the precisely titrated level of anger or the perfect bon mot at whatever new atrocity has just crossed the stream. That sort of thing is valuable, but there's a glut of it.

Relatedly: the other other thing is that when the world sucks, the web sucks. The whole country is broken. Fun is harder to find all over. Yet somehow, we do what we can.

[easyhairstylesbest]

Aquarius Monthly Horoscope

MONTH OF January

Monthly Snapshot

It’s your time, Aquarius! After a tough and trying 2020, you’ve finally floated ashore, completing a long swim in the emotion ocean. You sidestroked through those uncomfortable and oft-choppy waters all last year (and boy are your arms tired…). For a sign that’s famously described as “emotionally detached” you hardly fit that picture.

Then along came the Great Conjunction of Jupiter and Saturn on December 21, 2020, AKA the buzzed-about “Christmas star”. As these two galactic giants united—visibly, unless there were clouds—in YOUR sign, you were launched into a bold and expansive new chapter. Talk about being shot out of the cosmic cannon!

If you’re not feeling the renewal, you will soon enough. With the Sun slogging through Capricorn and your sleepy twelfth house until January 19, it might take a couple weeks for your Water Bearer buzz to full kick in. But when Aquarius season begins on January 19, you’ll start to feel propelled by rocket fuel to pursue your solo goals and personal passions. Prepare for liftoff!

Just make sure you get your exciting plans underwaclass=”body-el-link standard-body-el-link” y before January 30, when Mercury turns retrograde  in your sign for three weeks. You may have to hit the pause button temporarily, or go back to the drawing board to tweak your plans. But this will give you a chance to make sure you’ve got a solid launch strategy in place before you commence your epic debuts. The world will be eagerly waiting, so you might as well do it right!

Week 1: January 1-10

Home is where the heat is

Ready for a mental break? For the past six months, your mind has been on constant alert, thanks to activator Mars blazing through Aries and your interactive third house since June 27, 2020. Mars normally stays in one sign for six weeks, so its quadruple-length visit activated your communication sector for an extended cycle.

For many Water Bearers, this also meant multitasking against a constant backdrop of gadget notifications pinging, WFH Zooms, and calls with coworkers, friends, family and co-conspirators of all kinds. Even your social sign felt the utter overload! Throw in the slightly stressful but much-needed socially-distanced interactions, and you may have felt like your head was in a constant spin state that’s left you mentally exhausted and overtaxed at the same time.

This spell of being both wired and tired ends on Wednesday, January 6, as Mars enters Taurus and your fourth house of home, family and foundations until March 3, turning your attention to self-care and personal matters. Are there things around the house you simply haven’t been able to address? Perhaps it’s a renovation project you’d really like to tackle—or it might even be time for a move, a roommate reshuffle or some other home-based matter. Your mother or a female relative could be a source of either motivation or stress (and maybe both).

Between now and March 3, tackle any home or personal life matters head-on. The new Mars-fueled courage and determination helps you move quickly and efficiently. Don’t be surprised if strong feelings and mood swings erupt along the way, thanks to the fourth house’s thin-skinned nature. Hint: There’s nothing like a good cry or a primal scream in the car to clear those channels! Indulge your inner child as needed.

Week 2: January 11-17

Call of duty

This week finds you torn between your desire to pursue your own agenda and a sense of duty to your family and home. Reconciling the dueling agendas won’t be easy, and you could find that by trying to please everyone, you please no one. Prioritize your passions, Aquarius, but make time to relax with loved ones, indulge in restorative self-care or attend to matters at base camp.

This tension is the result of two activating planets, Mars and Uranus, racing through Taurus and your domestic fourth house, which could bring curveballs and pressure to your personal life. You may be moving, making unexpected changes to your living situation or attending to a relative in need. The demands could definitely spike your stress levels and provoke a few intense mood swings.

At the same time, expansive Jupiter and structured Saturn have just nestled into Aquarius and your first house of self, independence and personal projects. You’ve got big ideas and missions to accomplish, and you don’t have time to be held back by too many people depending on you.

It class=”body-el-link standard-body-el-link” all begins on Wednesday, January 13, when Mars and Saturn get embroiled in a tense square. You’re in front of some important personal decisions, perhaps even at a crossroads. With Saturn in your sign from December 17, 2020 until March 7, 2023, you’re at the beginning of a powerful new chapter. But it’s one that will demand your focused attention, and that won’t leave much time to take care of other people.

With stressful Mars ratcheting up the neediness from your inner circle, keeping firm boundaries—which is what Saturn’s all about—will be essential. Teach them how to fish instead of rushing in for the save, and make sure YOU have enough support if you find yourself pulled into guilt trips or other old family dynamics that are hard to overcome.

On Thursday, January 14, changemaker Uranus, your ruling planet, ends a five-month retrograde. Instability or slowdowns related to your family or living situation will clear up. If you’ve been at a crossroads about where to live or a personal decision, innovative Uranus could bring in some unexpected new options.

That same day, the Sun makes its annual conjunction (meetup) with shadowy Pluto in Capricorn and your twelfth house of closure and healing. Some deeply-buried emotions could emerge or you may need to summon the courage to end a toxic situation for once and for all. Perhaps you’ve been sticking around out of fear, guilt or some misplaced sense of obligation. Cut the codependent ties and follow what your soul is telling you, Aquarius.

If you’re still hanging on, don’t worry, because come Sunday, January 17, liberation will be a requirement, not an option. Your ruling planet Uranus will form an embattled square to Jupiter, pushing you to break free of anything that feels confining or limiting. These two freedom-seeking planets only square off every seven years, and when they do, it’s impossible to stay in a situation you’ve outgrown.

Strong feelings erupt today and you won’t be able to bite your tongue. They may bubble up without notice, and before you know it, you’re having THAT conversation. But if you’re planning to drop a bombshell, make sure you have some emotional support at the ready. The fallout of making a big, life-altering decision could have more impact than you expect.

Week 3: January 18-24

Awake at last! Aquarius season begins this week, as the Sun joins Mercury, Jupiter and Saturn in the Water Bearer’s domain this Tuesday, January 19, staying until February 18. You’re ready to dive into your 2021 goals and resolutions with full focus. Bring it on!

Midweek, you could be a bundle of nerves and feelings! On Wednesday, January 20, hotheaded Mars and volatile Uranus connect in Taurus and your touchy fourth house. Your moods may be mercurial and your temper could be like an active volcano on the verge of eruption.

With these two game-changing planets in your fourth house of home and family, this week may also bring curveball news about your living situation. Perhaps your dream home suddenly goes on the market and you decide to buy at a rock-bottom price. Maybe your landlord announces she’s selling the building that you’ve rented in for years, or you decide to rip up your roots and relocate…cuz why not? For Water Bearers of the childbearing set, pregnancy news (yours or a relative’s) could come out of the blue!

Your emotions get way overblown on Saturday, January 23, as Mars squares off with outspoken Jupiter in Aquarius. Resentment will boil over toward anyone who seems to be holding you back or demanding too much of you. You’re only human, Aquarius—but remember, so are they! Most people are feeling sapped and burnt out these days. If you bit off more than you could chew, or took on the role of caretaker then crashed, don’t get mad, just make a new arrangement. Relieve yourself of any burdensome emotional duties and decisions for a bit.

But that doesn’t mean you should slip into denial! Take a hard look in the mirror on Saturday as sobering Saturn and the Sun make their annual conjunction, meeting up in Aquarius. This once-a-year alliance rips off the rose-colored glasses and forces us to confront our limitations and shortcomings. Harsh? Yes, but like any tough-love coach or bootcamp trainer, Saturn is “cruel to be kind.”

On this day of self-reckoning, keep it real with yourself—but be compassionate! You’ve been through an incredibly tough 2020, weathering nonstop planetary action in your twelfth house of loss, closure and transition.

If you’re out of shape mentally or physically, or you’ve lapsed into bad habits or addictions, forgiveness is the path to grace. Hitting rock bottom? Good. But once you’ve acknowledged that, make a plan for how you’ll get out of this hole instead of digging yourself in deeper. A coach, expert or supportive mentor can help, so don’t hesitate to send out an SOS. You don’t have to do it alone!

Week 4: January 25-31

Me, myself and I

This week continues to energize your personal goals and passion projects. With the Sun, Mercury, Jupiter and Saturn all in Aquarius, you’ve got cosmic clearance to prioritize your own agenda, although you may have to navigate a few obstacles along the way. Nevertheless, you shall persist—and hopefully pick up a few new allies along the way!

On Tuesday, January 26, the Sun in Aquarius will square off against disruptor Uranus (your ruler) in stubborn Taurus, echoing the tension of the January 13 Mars-Uranus square. Your need for “me time” or to pursue your own goals is at odds with curveballs from home and family, particularly a female relative.

One Aquarius we know is juggling supporting her mother going through radiation treatments, a best friend whose family is also dealing with a medical crisis and extended travel away from home to be there for everyone. Just remember that “wherever you go, there you are”—and try a meditation app like Headspace, Calm or Aura to keep calm and centered.

This kind of uprootedness could push you over the edge if you don’t take time for your own needs and self-care in January. We know it won’t be easy to carve out that space, but your mental wellbeing depends on it! Plus, you could find yourself in “caretaker burnout” which could lead you to snap at the very people you’re trying to help. Balance is key!

Luckily, the stars summon your support squad in the nick of time at the Thursday, January 28, Leo full moon, which blossoms in your seventh house of committed partnerships. Is it time for a relationship to turn official, or increase the commitment level? Joyful Leo says go for it.

Because, hey, you’re in the magic hotseat today, Aquarius—a well-deserved throne, might we add! Along with the Leo full moon, the Sun will conjunct expansive Jupiter in its once-a-year meetup, known as the Day of Miracles and considered by astrologers to be one of the luckiest days of the year.

In 2021, the Sun and Jupiter are meeting up in YOUR sign, tripling your fortune. Put yourself out there, pump up a passion project, make a big announcement about a solo endeavor. Love, business success, artistic expression—whatever’s most important to YOU will get a big boclass=”body-el-link standard-body-el-link” ost today.

Take advantage of this moment, though, because on Saturday, January 30, communication planet Mercury will go retrograde until February 20. Mercury will back through Aquarius—and put you in a different kind of hotseat. Your splashy announcements could fall flat or be eclipsed by other things.

Dip behind the scenes for a couple weeks, learn from your launch and tighten up your beta version so it’s truly ready for prime time. Be extra careful of what you say, post or announce because you WILL be called to task for anything off-color or offensive. This is meant to be your luckiest year in over a decade, Aquarius, and you don’t want to squander it by attracting the wrong kind of PR  during Mercury’s backspin. When in doubt, cut it out!

LOVE & ROMANCE:

Get out of your head and into your heart! After six long months in Aries, passionate Mars leaves your cerebral third house and moves into Taurus, activating your touchy-feely fourth until March 3. Since June 27, 2020, Mars has had your mind going a mile a minute, leading to bouts of indecisiveness, analysis paralysis and, as often as not, overthinking everything! In your hyperactive mind, the grass was greener and FOMO raged—or perhaps because of pandemic, there was a lot of TALK but not so much true connection.

From January 6 to March 3, Mars will tour Taurus and help you get back into your body and your heart. This is a great time for self-care, redecorating (and in the process) re-energizing your home. Anything that needs a fire lit under it will benefit now. Just stay on guard for friction with relatives and roommates since Mars motivates and aggravates!

Venus has been in Sagittarius and your social eleventh house, but she’ll pull up stakes on January 8, relocating to Capricorn and your twelfth house of fantasy. This is a healing zone, so you might take a little time out to visualize, meditate, journal or get over a heartbreak. In the privacy of your own thoughts, you can release something that no longer fits into your life or brings joy.

On January 9, Venus and Mars form their annual harmonious trine, heralding a beautiful moment of tenderness and connecting heart to heart. Pay attention to authentic feelings that arise at this time; they might just surprise you!

Key Dates:

January 9: Venus-Mars trine

Bring on the lasting love! As affectionate Venus and passionate Mars harmonize in stable earth signs, you could have true romance with all the trimmings—sensuality and stability. Skip the “come here now go away” players and their mixed messages. A partner who makes you feel secure is suddenly the most attractive catch in town. Coupled? Mark a long-term relationship with a thoughtful gift to let your mate know how much you cherish them.

MONEY & CAREER:

  Dear Reader: To bring you cutting-edge financial and career astrology, we’ve discontinued our monthly Money and Career Horoscope. This will allow us to devote the time to courses and offerings we’ve got planned all year to support you in creating abundance.

Whether you’re an entrepreneur, a dreamer with a side hustle or just looking for deeper satisfaction from your work, we invite you to join us for January’s special event to craft your vision for 2021.

2021 Vision Board Experience: January 28 with The AstroTwins Ready to designclass=”body-el-link standard-body-el-link” a path that truly fulfills you in 2021? Join us for a star-powered live online event to create success, leadership and impact on January 28, 2021. Tickets available at https://astrostyle.com/visionboard21

Love Days: 24, 28

Money Days: 8, 16

Luck Days: 6, 13

Off Days: 26, 3, 11

See All Signs

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Aquarius Monthly Horoscope

[its8simplejulesblog]

Most People Spend Their Time Snapchatting At 2 am

Me? I watch Ted Talks. Obviously, each night is different, but tonight, I must’ve gotten sucked into some kind of black hole. As we all know, I am very much interested in neuroscience and how that translates into sociology and psychology and the way that people interact with each other. Earlier tonight I was thinking back on a conversation my mom and I had about attraction. Why are you attracted to who you’re attracted to. I don’t know if you all know this already, but clinically defined attraction is determined by the symmetries of your face. Therefore, the more symmetrical your features are on both sides of your face the more conventionally attractive you are. When you think about it though, if someone had a perfectly symmetrical face, that would be terrifying, so it’s nice that we all have some little imperfections. And, there has always been a myth that you’re attracted to people that *generally, there are absolutely exceptions* are of similar, relative attractiveness to yourself. So, I wanted to follow up with more information on that topic and since it had seemed like all my friends had disappeared, I had nothing better to do. What this ended up turning into, however, was multiple hours of me watching Ted Talks about dating and self love and happiness and giving no fucks (this was actually the title of one of them) and soulmates, but the ~science of these topics, more so than the typical “how to get a boy to like you” bullshit we’re used to seeing. Here’s what I learned 

I almost didn’t write this particular post because it might get very personal and that scares me a lot. I really think there are a solid 5 people that read this though, so maybe just getting it out there is more of a strength for me than anything else. Anyway, when I think about telling people “yeah, I’m just sitting here watching Ted Talks about how to seduce people,” that is REALLY creepy haha. And yet, it was SO fascinating and if you watch it you’ll see why (I decided I’m going to link the ones I mention specifically at the bottom). First of all, this man’s VOICE is so funny. The way he talks is so British and so mechanical it’s hilarious. He talked about a social experiment where a bunch of college students went on dates. Those who asked the person out were confederates or associates of the study, while the people that got asked were the subjects (they were informed after that it was a study..cause you know, ethics). During the date, the confederates had to perform one of three tasks: agree with everything your date says, agree with nothing your date says, or disagree for the first half of the date and then agree for the second half. Interestingly, they found that the last group, rather than the first group of subjects found their dates to be the most attractive. Why? Because they felt like their date didn’t like them at first, but as they got to know each other, the date “warmed up to them.” Dr. Persaud said this is because people like to feel like they have an impact on you..and scientifically THAT is what seduction is all about. Obviously, that’s a little bit different than what people typically think about. You would think about romantic seduction, but think about it: if you’re infatuated with someone and you hook up it’s like cool..that was fun (maybe), but your mind will find a way for you to focus on something else. Conversely, what if you have, a concept, some substance (not in a dirty way, freaks). Imagine a world where you are attracted to someone and you take slightly more time to get to know them. I don’t mean five years or 5 hours or even a hour, it could just be a few minutes of humanizing them. He uses Casanova as an example because he’s in love with this actress that has a lisp so he writes her a play and...ya know..just watch it yourself. The point of this IS, is that seduction takes attention, interest, and maintenance. You have to recognize that people are individuals that really just want to be noticed and paid attention to and you’re instantly more attractive it’s not that hard. 

I then ended up clicking on three of the most influential videos I think I have ever watched. 

The first was a video on self-love. The presenter basically discusses the importance of marrying yourself before you devote yourself to anyone else in any regard. Anyone that knows me knows that I talk about this all the time lately. It’s something that you’ll hear over and over again until the meaning becomes a little bit meaningless. Everyone knows that self love is important, but no one really thinks about what this means. Your ability to take care of yourself, and meet yourself where you are in life is absolutely essential to the way that you will be able to provide for others. If I spend every waking moment thinking about every single person that took from me I would be too burnt out to give anyone the love that I so desperately want to give. Devote your energy where it’s needed, on yourself. It’s not selfish, it’s powerful and necessary. I promise, I PROMISE though, symbiosis only occurs when both people have something to give. If you are always giving giving giving and getting nothing, cycle back and focus on yourself first. It sounds repetitive, but once you do that, then your world will prioritize your comfort and once you are comfortable you will be in the right state of mind to surround yourself with people that provide you with what you need. 

The next video was on happiness, a topic, again, so frequently discussed that its physical definition means nothing to me. Obviously, happiness is not a thing, it is not just a feeling, it is not tangible success either. Instead, and I completely agree with her definition more than any I’ve heard before, but happiness is our ability to use our gifts to enhance what we already know. For me, it was obvious in that my skill is relationship building. I LOVE to know people, every little thing. There is nothing I take more pride in than knowing as many people as I do around the world: and each one profoundly impacted me as much, if not more than I think I impacted them. Just knowing that there’s unity in spending quality time with people is THE source of my happiness, more than anything else I could possibly concoct. She also talked about the five people that we all need in our lives to maintain our happiness: that being, a cheerleader, mentor, coach, friend, and peer. I’ll let her explain that, but it really stresses the importance of the people you surround yourself with. Another mantra of mine that she mentioned when talking about those five people is that you really are a reflection of the people you spend your time with. Think about that, because you could be self sabotaging your happiness by spending time with people that couldn’t care less about their impact.  

The last video I watched hit me the hardest and after watching it, I just shut my computer completely and stared at the ceiling. It was about waiting. The contents of this particular video were on the speaker’s decision to wait to have sex until she got married. Was this my personal decision as well, no, but here’s why it still impacted me more than I would have thought. This woman is 33 years old (or was at the time of the filming). She always had this vision in highschool of her first time, and was immediately shot down by her friends. She was “unrealistic” and her “standards were too high.” And yet, she had faith that she was on the right track. I can imagine that waiting, in this society, could be infinitely more difficult by media pressures that make sex a trend..and that’s really what it seems like. I think that if you’ve learned anything from the previous two paragraphs is that doing or saying something over and over decreases its value. I loved this video so much though, not because she was talking about sex, but because she related it to self worth. Everyone deserves to be treated like they’re not...”just another ___” whatever that may be. If that means waiting 33 years, hey, so be it. The more time I spend in quarantine, the more I recognize the value of my body. Everyone is so fragile and our lives are so short, don’t push yourself to a breaking point just to say you did. I, personally, do not want to let just anyone in on that vulnerability anymore. She talks about the four things we should really all be waiting for in life:

1.) The person who sees you for you...and loves you regardless. - This is the essence of acceptance. It’s the sheer concept of meeting people where they are, without making them change, without making them feel bad..about ANYTHING. It’s about complimenting each other, rather than dominating or controlling them. The people that say you have to “become like one person” have it so wrong. You are two individuals who bring out the best in that individuality. *This is where this post started getting hard for me to write so bare with me please, this is uncomfortable for me* It was fitting that this point was so prominent in this video and I happened to stumble upon it at this point in my life. There are very few people, currently, that know this, but I have a condition called vaginismus. Essentially, sex is horrible (correction, the *majority* of the time it’s horrible. If you like numbers like me, I would estimate 80% of the time). It isn’t anything that isn’t treatable, but the root cause of it in most people is either trauma or innate/ subconscious anxiety. There’s no need to talk about it in depth (unless you..wanted to?) The point is, it is a long process to get over it. Mentally, it takes a big toll on me daily. I cry probably once a day about it, but for the most part pretend like it doesn’t exist. I just sit and cry and cry and internally abuse myself over it because it’s not like I had a choice. And, if we’re digging deeper, the truth is that embedded in a society that glorifies sex I feel everyday like the world is judging me for not being able to comfortably do the only thing that seems to matter to anyone at this point. It quite literally is a pain both physically and mentally. The kind of mental pain that kicks the air out of you and makes you panic and think, “what is wrong with me..really?” 

With that being said, as I always mention, I am constantly learning. Is it debilitating? Yes. I can never be as carefree as everyone always assumes I am because this will always be in the back of my mind and you never know how people will respond to it. It’s just another one of those things that makes life more stressful than it needs to be. It makes me wonder why anyone would wait around for me to figure myself out when so many other normal people exist. And I quite literally have had this point proven to me, that they won’t, even if they say they will. And for many people, an activity that is finally a source of respite is scary for me..and I feel like a liar if I say otherwise. I can love how my body looks, and other people can like what they see, but at the end of the day I hate it for not being able to do one of its most essential functions. But would anyone know that? No. And I thought I wanted it that way. It’s a mood killer and a snap back to reality when I so badly want to escape it sometimes. Who, in their right mind, would ever want to deal with *waves hands around* this. The good news, it’s not endgame ( not the marvel movie lmao). The right people/person will meet me exactly where I am and together you work around it. If they don’t, frankly I don’t need them around. 

2.) The one that values what you value- I think this is simple enough. Never lower your standards for someone else. Compromise is only valid if both parties are still considered in the outcome. 

3.) Purpose, not fear- This one I FELT, because she rooted it in faith. In relationships, you have to have a strong insurance in the things you hope for, even without evidence. You have to go into it giving someone the benefit of the doubt. There is something so uplifting about living life with faith. In anything really. It’s like a high, because the possibilities are endless. It’s important that you know that everyone you meet is capable of being good for you. You just may not immediately know how :) 

4.) The one that makes you a priority- This one...hmm..the wording. I think that, yes, they should make you a priority. However, even more than that, they should make you making yourself a priority their priority (haha). That would then go both ways. You would put them making themselves a priority as a priority. When you care about someone, you want the best for them. Trust me, you will know the difference between genuinely wanting the best for someone and only wanting the best for them if it simultaneously benefits you. This will seem so much purer. It may not always be easier, but in the end you will always feel better. 

In retrospect, it was an emotional night. I thought a lot about what I valued and what I expect. My standards are high as hell and I don’t regret it. There is a lot of me to unpack and clearly some people were too lazy to do it. That’s okay though, because now I have no issues being absolutely genuine about who I am and what I want. No one deserves to feel like something they value is unimportant. As I said earlier, I almost didn’t want to write this one because of how vulnerable it is. The idea of certain people reading this freaks me out a little bit, but the more I think about it, the more I realize how many people need to hear some of these things. There is so much strength in being nothing other than who you are. 

But it’s worth it 

Ted Talk Links 

Seduction: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3E46oWB4V0s&t=628s 

Happiness: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZRCFK1n-NM

Self Love: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3fIZuW9P_M

Waiting: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8zw7AXwnb8M

I love you guys so much 

-Julia 

[mbti-notes]

Poorly developed and unsocialized Isfp here. I've noticed a lot shitty behaviour that's developed over the course of my life. I'm so private, awkward and silent, it upsets and bores people which is fair. I feel like whenever I interact with people I become a social chameleon and become more palpable for people which in turn gives me a false sense of self..I'm deceiving people. People wont like whats really there. Is this a SE Grip? Am I trying to rationalize bad behaviour? Thanks for the help!

I don’t quite get what you’re asking as ISFPs do not experience Se grip. What you describe is probably: 1) Ni loop: overly simplistic in seeing just one negative possibility to support your preexisting judgment, “people won’t like what’s really there”, and 2) Te grip: rationalizing the use of a mask to achieve immediate comfort/rewards but at the expense of denying the true self. These things are already explained in the study guides, so get to know your functions better and how to develop them. If you’re unhappy with this state of affairs, you have the choice to continue on as you are or make a change. Making a change right now only seems hard if you don’t realize how much harder life is when you continue on with shitty behavior and dig yourself a deeper and deeper hole. The state of your life depends on the decisions you make: deceive and put forth a false self and people will never know the real you, but put forth your true self and you may come to realize that who you believe you are right now is not all there is to you. Perhaps you are afraid of the world challenging and pushing back against you because you have low self-esteem, but it is when you meet your fears that you discover the best parts of yourself and can then develop real self-confidence. Keep hiding inside yourself and you won’t discover anything, you’ll just be stuck as life moves on without you.

[pullcarol0-blog]

I Tried the Distraction-Free Phone—and Here's What Happened

Cell phones have come a long way. Back in the day, they were the size of bricks—remember the Zack Morris phone?!—and their only purpose was to make calls (and, let’s be real, even that cost an arm and a leg).

Fast forward to today, and we’re all walking around with supercomputers in our pockets. Everything we could ever want and need is just a few taps or swipes away. Which can be a blessing—or, if you’re me, a curse.

For years, I’ve been a slave to my phone: checking my email every 30 seconds, scrolling through social media at every break, falling into random Wikipedia holes when I should be getting to sleep. The way I used my phone wasn’t just unproductive—it was actually keeping me from living the kind of life I wanted to live.

So when the clock struck midnight on January 1st, I committed to trying the distraction-free phone so I could kick my phone addiction and lead a more present, connected life.

It’s been about seven weeks—and, at the risk of sounding cliché, it’s kind of changed my life. How, you might ask? Let’s take a look at what it was like to go distraction-free and the impact it’s had on my business, productivity, and overall well-being.

What Is a Distraction-Free Phone?

A few months ago, I stumbled upon Jake Knapp’s Medium article that outlined his addiction to mobile technology—and, more importantly, how he adjusted his cell to be more present for himself, his kids, and his career. He’s been rocking his distraction-free phone for six years and found new levels of personal and professional success as a result.

I related to Knapp on so many levels and was super inspired by his story. So I decided that my New Year’s resolution would be to follow in his footsteps.

Here’s how I adjusted my iPhone to go from “attention-sucking” to “distraction-free”:

I deleted the email icon—and removed the single biggest distraction from my screen (and my life).

I got rid of Safari access. As a self-proclaimed Wikipedia addict, this was also a serious time waster. (Side note: It took a bit of Googling to figure out how to get the Safari icon off my screen, but it is possible. It’s under Settings > Screen Time > Content and Privacy Restrictions > Allowed Apps.)

I deleted all social media apps (which, for me, was Facebook and Instagram).

(Got an Android phone? No problem, you can go distraction-free, too! Check out this how-to guide to get started.)

Now, I could’ve tossed every app on my phone, but for this experiment, I only deleted things that were distracting—and kept useful apps that didn’t suck up a ton of my time (for example, Google Maps and Spotify).

The Withdrawal

Once I deleted all the notorious attention grabbers from my phone, I figured the transition would be easy; if my phone didn’t have anything on it to distract me, how could it be distracting?

Yeah… I was wrong.

I’ve spent years behaving as though my phone were surgically attached to my hand; it didn’t matter that there was nothing on my phone to check—checking my phone was like a muscle reflex.

The first few days, I compulsively picked up my phone just as often as I had when it was chock full of distractions. But there wasn’t really anything to hold my attention (other than pictures of my dog—which I definitely spent more than a few minutes scrolling through).

It took about a week for it to sink in that checking my phone wasn’t going to give me the “reward” of distraction that I was used to. And once it sunk in? Everything started to change.

The Adjustment Period

After that first week of obsessive phone checking, I could feel my phone addiction starting to lose its grip. I first noticed a shift one day when I was watching an episode of The Great British Baking Show.

Normally, when I watch television—even if it’s a series I love as much as this one—I’m really only half (or a quarter) watching; the bulk of my attention is directed toward email and social media feeds on my screen. This kind of multitasking means I don’t ever really absorb what I’m seeing—and end up rewatching the same episodes over and over before anything (the recipes, the challenges, the winner) commits to memory.

But this time, I made it the entire hour (that’s the signature challenge, the technical, and the showstopper) and didn’t even think to look at my phone. Not only did I enjoy the experience more, but I was also able to follow what I was watching (and learned some great tips for making meringue as a result).

Now, it seems like a small thing. But for me, being fully present for an entire hour of television felt like a pretty big deal. I got a taste of what life could be like if I wasn’t attached to my phone all the time—and, as Mary Berry would say, it was scrummy.

After that, I started leaving my phone behind, first for a few minutes at a time (like when I walked my dog) and then for larger, more significant chunks (like when I was pushing through a deadline). By the end of January, I became so comfortable not having my phone with me, I’d keep it at home when my husband and I went out for dinner, to run errands, or to take our pup to the dog park—and I ended up enjoying all those things even more than usual.

The Pay-Off

It’s been a little over a month since I started this experiment, and the payoff has been pretty amazing. I feel more present, I get more done, and I feel like I’m being more purposeful with my time. I know those are pretty broad terms (and sound like something you’d read in a self-help book)—so let’s dig deeper into how, exactly, my life has changed.

How the Distraction-Free Phone Impacted My Business and Productivity

My business survived my scaling back on email. I didn’t think I’d be able to get by without constant access to email. But guess what? The world didn’t stop spinning when I didn’t answer every client email in 10 seconds or less. I still check my email often (usually about five or six times per day), but not being able to refresh my inbox on my phone has done wonders for my productivity.

My productivity shot through the roof. Part of my job as a writer is to, you know, write. And in order to do that, I need to be in the zone. I’ve been able to get a ton more done because I’m not constantly pulled away from my writing (and out of the zone) by some unnecessary distraction on my phone.

I went after new opportunities. I used to spend a lot of time mindlessly scrolling through my phone. After going distraction-free, I took that time back and spent a good chunk of it actively pitching new clients—which led to new assignments, connections, and opportunities.

How the Distraction-Free Phone Impacted My Life and Well-Being

I reexamined my relationship with technology more broadly. Once I realized how happy I was without social media on my phone, I decided to give it up altogether—and deleted my Facebook and Instagram accounts completely (which has also been seriously life-changing!).

I’m more present with the people I love. My friends, family, and husband love me—but they’ve all, at one point or another, commented on my phone use. Since my distraction-free phone experiment, I feel like I’m more present, and my relationships feel stronger (my husband has pointed out how nice it is to see me without a mobile device attached to my hand 24/7).

I’m sleeping better. Blue light—like the light that radiates off electronic devices—can wreak havoc on your sleep. Since I’ve been on my phone less (and exposing myself to less blue light right before bed), I’ve been sleeping deeper, better, and longer—which makes me feel happier and more energetic throughout the day.

I spend more time on things I care about. I was wasting a lot of time doing nothing on my phone. Now I have more time and energy for...well, everything. I’m spending more time on my hobbies, my personal relationships, and my health.

The Drawbacks

So, clearly, I’m on Team Distraction-Free Phone. But that doesn’t mean this experience hasn’t had its drawbacks.

The biggest challenge? While I definitely feel more present in my day-to-day life, I don’t feel as connected to the people, places, and things I don’t interact with on a daily basis. I don’t feel as on top of news and current events (if I want to know what’s going on in the world, I can’t just look down at my phone—I need to actively seek that out on my laptop or the TV), and because I don’t have my phone next to me as often, I can miss text conversations as they happen in real time. I’ve given my friends, family, and colleagues a heads-up about my phone situation, but I still feel bad when I get back to my phone and have a bunch of missed texts.

But at the end of the day, none of them even compare to the massive benefits (seriously—no one’s going to lose sleep if it takes me an hour to respond to a text).

Tips for Going Distraction-Free

Want to get your phone use under control? Here are my top suggestions based on my experience these past couple months:

Don’t delete every app. You only need to get rid of apps that are actual distractions. If an app is convenient, useful, and doesn’t take up too much time, feel free to leave it on your phone. (The last thing you want is to have to walk around looking for Wi-Fi to download the Uber app next time you need a ride home.)

Be compassionate with yourself. It can take a while to undo the “OMG WHERE’S MY PHONE” conditioning. If you notice you’re still checking your phone every five minutes—even after you go distraction-free—just give it time.

Ask for support. If you’re tempted to check your email (yet again), your loved ones can gently remind you of your commitment to ease up on your phone usage.

Turn on Do Not Disturb mode. If texts keep drawing you in after you delete your apps, use Do Not Disturb when you need even fewer distractions.

I’ve been going strong with the distraction-free phone for almost two months, and honestly, I can’t see myself ever going back. The benefits —like feeling more in control of my business, my time, and my life—are beyond worth the minor inconveniences.

And if I ever get the urge to fall down a Wikipedia hole? There’s always my laptop.

Source: https://www.themuse.com/advice/i-tried-distraction-free-phone

[ghcstlight]

WHAT IS HYPERFIXATION?

So a friend of mine asked me to write this post, because apparently I’m more reliable than all of the internet (bless u, kiss)? This is a mix of my personal experience with hyperfixation as an Autistic person and whatever objective data my brain has eaten over the course of six years. Hyperfixation is ascribed not just to Autistic people, but also people with AD(H)D, and I think also those with OCD, OCPD, BPD, those on the psychotic spectrum, and learning disabilities (please correct me if I’m wrong).

Legit, I was gonna start doing this all great and professional like, but I have no idea how starting shit works, so I’m gonna start in the middle and end at the start and just do whatever my brain does.

ON HYPERFOCUSING

Have you ever like... zoned in on a thing you were doing, where you’ll look back on that period and it’s all black safe for that specific thing you were doing (I get this with coding, for instance)? That’s hyperfocusing. This is like hyperfixation in action, I guess, where you snap out of it and it’s 6 hours later, you haven’t slept yet, dinner was 4 hours ago and you swore to yourself you were gonna get that in 10 minutes and yet... Imagine doing that in class, and you miss out on an entire lecture because you were drawing and you didn’t just not hear anything the teacher was telling you, but also the entire classroom and the students in it fade to black because you’re busy drawing an island with a palm tree and a pretty sun– yeah, you get me.

ON HYPERFIXATION

So hyperfixation on a subject is like... your brain eating everything it can find on that particular subject because you’re just so fjdsjflksfsdl about it, and you’re always thinking about or interacting with it in your head, and when you’re actually busy with it, you start hyperfocusing and you lose all sense of time and awareness and it’s just that thing that exists. It’s digging a hole on a subject and the deeper you did the more interested you become – along the way you’ll dig little holes that are related to that big hole, but mainly you’re inexhaustibly digging that particular hole.

And then you look up and you’re in so deep, and people are looking down at you to ask you what you’ve found in that hole, and you realise that they think of you as...? Some sort of...? Expert? On the thing, because your hole is just that deep. Normally people have like... little holes, but many of them. You have one. Maybe two. Rarely three. And they’re just so deep, and you can’t get out of it, because lmfao you gotta, gotta dig deeper.

So I’ve read all this, and I realise that it’s not gonna make sense to anyone who hasn’t personally experienced this, but I’m not going to delete it, because I just had to get that trainwreck word vomit out of my brain.

intense attention on a subject (you could almost call it...... a.... hyperfixation.......................... 👀)

you don’t have to necessarily be talking about it, but you’re always thinking about it or interacting with it in your head

in reference to the above, if people do talk about a thing constantly, you bet your ass that’s probably their hyperfixation 👍

(for me) hyperfixation subjects can switch out (for instance, I can listen to one band for days to weeks, and then not have anything to do with it for weeks or months)

not everything you’re enthusiastic about is a hyperfixation

it’s more when you’re on day 2 and you know all the lyrics and the entire melody of a particular song because it’s been going nonstop on listenonrepeat

or people come to you for questions about a subject because you appear to know your shit, but that’s only because you’re rabidly consuming every and all information on the subject without any temporal awareness whatsoever (time’s a social construct anyway and it can eat my dick)

an obsession controls your life entirely, a hyperfixation is more like something that’s always in the back of your mind, and unless you’re hyperfocusing for a period of time (which is disruptive to day to day life lbr), it’s not really... harmful?

will people think you’re annoying? probably. can they suck my dick? definitely.

I’ve exhausted my brain trying to appeal to people who don’t hyperfixate, but I don’t know what life is like without hyperfixating, so I don’t know how y’all breathe without doing it. If you still don’t understand, then there’s nothing else I can say to you that will make you understand. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[hatefilledpoptarts]

Class 1-A should really learn to stop letting Bakugou baku-off

(when stuck for the most appropriate and to the point title just give up and use shitty puns, 10/10 it will pass....I think :P)

One of the things that caught my attention when reading the manga for the first time was Bakugou’s behavior after the sludge man incident: when dealing with complicated/conflicted emotions he doesn’t know how to process, he has a tendency to just back off from the problem altogether for an indefinite amount of time. 

(This is all going under because this really got out of hand, so if you wanna have a read please do when you have the time or are bored, I take both)

Warning: A tad disorganized so read at own risk

Going back as far as the 2nd ch.(Fun fact about revisiting a series; you notice details you tend to skim over the 1st round), I missed the actual amount of time that passed before the exam and am now realizing just how long Bakugou had not interacted with Izuku back then.

10 months is a shit long time not to bother with someone you’ve known since childhood through to middle school. While not exactly weird or unusual, since people tend to just move in another direction and drift apart in life, this isn’t really that type of scenario. Of course this was coming right off the sludge incident and, while not anywhere on Izuku’s own radar, was very much still on Bakugou’s mind back then:

Quite an impressive show of petty to ignore Izuku for nearly a year, more than likely with the expectation that he just has to wait until graduation for this issue to just go away.

My initial impression for this was more along the lines of an Izuku-dealing habit since history has shown this kid doesn’t really react well when Izuku actions are outside of Bakugou’s own expectations (not that weird since I’ve seen actual kids behave this way).

Its very clear Bakugou has major issues being vulnerable and Izuku is this sort of catalyst: always finding a way to tip him to his lowest degree. Really it all comes back to his pride that both uplifts and shuts him into himself.

Now getting to my main point (at the start of this):

I recalled back when class 1A was having their room showcase event, only two members were counted out of the whole 20 from this: Bakugou & Tsuyu.

Not an incredibly shocking development when they both have excuses for not joining; particularly when you know how little Bakugou cares about these types of activities and really wouldn’t just go along with whatever everyone else is doing.

Of course we learn for Tsuyu, this was actually a time of guilt and self-doubt for her in regards to her relationship with the group who went to rescue Bakugou. 

And considering Tsuyu’s disposition of being outspoken and self-possessed, it can be easy for the class to overlook any insecurities she may possess. We can also take from Tsuyu’s special chapter that she has difficulty relating to her peers.

Luckily for Tsuyu, she has a supportive friend who will pick up on these unusual moments and possible signs of vulnerabilities, lending a helping hand when she knows it’s what Tsuyu herself needs and wants.

And Tsuyu does what she thinks is best, which is to bring up what is bothering her to the associated members in hopes they will get past this by understanding what type of problem this was for her. And Ochako, she’ll make it happen because she cares and if that means gathering everyone needed to listen to Tsuyu and offering a comforting hand for extra support, then those are the kind of things she’ll do for her friend. (It makes me wonder how ochako got along in middle school, she’s really impressive in these kinds of socially tense situations)

Now it’s interesting to realize this was a really subtle way for Horikoshi to draw a parallel for these two in that by withdrawing and isolating themselves during this time, they were demonstrating their own self-reproaches for actions they considered giving into their own shortcomings. Both Bakugou and Tsuyu were self-imposing their own guilt because they didn’t know how to address it to themselves or toward the affected members. Judging from their background, it can be inferred both grew up having strong feelings of responsibility for themselves taking on any burdens they’ve had on their own (Bakugou due to pride; Tsuyu being the sibling oldest).

 For Bakugou, his own issues won’t advance or mend because he doesn’t allow for this type of support in his life or even permits for his defenses to be dropped in front of anyone. Bakugou is more or less accepted as being moody and to be left to himself when he has his episodes (digging that hole pretty deep aren’t ya kacchan?) and no one has ever questioned if he can be brought down. When you get down to it, no one has pushed him out of this comfort zone for a long time; he doesn’t know how to reach out to others because he thinks no one can match him or he needs to maintain his image.

I mean look at him that time, he’s only 4 or 5 and he’s trying to save face, making sure they know he’s tough, and Deku challenges that by actually being concerned, showing that Bakugou is indeed fallible. Most of his peers, or even general authority figures, can only take in his surface value, what he wants others to see or think of, without looking deeper. Those who surrounded him during his early adolescence let him do as he pleased and they genuinely thought that’s just how life worked. 

See how those classmates react with Bakugou’s usual arrogant behaviour: they’ll jeer their irritation but fall in awe when he makes a bold declaration because that’s whats to be expected from Bakugou, they wouldn’t actually push it further than ‘friendly’ banter with him because he can actually back what he says. No one really disagrees because they know Bakugou is extraordinary and by that rule he can do as he wishes because he is amazing; there is no one who will challenge it when they know better, if you lack aptitude follow the guy who does have it. From a adolescent’s point view, thats how ‘society’ works and that honestly is the worst mindset to get from anyone growing up. 

Izuku can attest that it’s no easy feat confronting him in any scenario:

With an ego swelled far too big for a kid to grow up on and a real talent that can’t be denied: no real surprises here how this came about. No one wanted or thought they could stand on even footing with Bakugou.

 Now Kirishima, bless his good kind soul, is a good bet for a friend who can temper Bakugou’s volatile attributes, and might be his equal, but he is in no way equipped to understand or clue into all the intricacies that goes into what makes up Bakugou. He gets past his hot-blooded side and sees someone who does have standards to back his actions (even if he’s a bit of a loose canon of destruction on several occasions).

The same can be said of Kaminari, who does show a decent level of understanding in Bakugou’s mentality and take his cues when the appropriate situation calls for it. Both parties have shown a deft grasp of Bakugou to get that while he may be an unpleasant guy, he is by no means lacking in morals or skill to back his superiority; just tougher to work with and needing tougher skin to take in all the foulness he presents.

While both are definitely a good match-up to withstand the trial that is Bakugou, they don’t actually stand in the sort of ‘equal’ position in a personal level as they do working together or in social interactions, they often come together to be like a hero unit that Bakugou finds acceptable to his standards and even socially they interact like average friends. They might even retain the same social levels as Bakugou’s old gang: they see and understand his abilities and yet they can’t quite comprehend the more human side of him that Bakugou prefers to keep under wraps.

By no means is this a fault in the two themselves or their friendship to Bakugou but I do understand why they can’t dig past a certain point in their relationship with him. Socially speaking, they still need time to build the kind of connection with him that allows vulnerabilities and even permitting it to be shared in some form or other.

 I’d heard the phrase ‘emotionally constipated’ describe Bakugou before and honestly, that is the most accurate definition for him that I’ve ever heard. He does show a heavy difficultly in expressing himself in calmer ways, more often than not, physically & figuratively exploding his problems out. I can understand the struggle in articulating what you mean and what you feel, conveying intentions can be a struggle and seem like a bother, if from your perspective there is no point; they won’t understand the things you do the same or in a similar way. Bakugou can only put what he feels into action and that can be tough to infer what those actions really mean and Bakugou himself leaves it up to the other party to figure it out, if they can’t then its because they couldn’t hack it (thank UA there are some who actually give a damn and call it when they see it).

I also personally identify with Bakugou’s characteristic of being socially discerning (although not to his level of disregard); I understand his lack of willingness to let others see a weaker side to them, it can be daunting when you don’t know how to express yourself in the most appropriate way or perceive those around as not worth the risk (I grew up with unpleasant people I didn’t care to be around if I could help it). Even emphasizing when he sizes others up, concluding what the other person is about and not wanting to push yourself in a situation you assume isn’t worth your time or think you have no place in. If you don’t think well of someone or find you’ve yet to have a deeper emotional connection with, when you’ve hit major emotional turmoil, it can be challenging when you’ve come to realize your own isolation that’s been built around yourself and the internal frustration you know you have no control or even a solid understanding of how to adjust to make things better. You can’t force yourself but you gotta build something along the way.

I even identify with the lack of care Bakugou shows by not remembering what his classmates quirks were (his whole body shakes when he’s brushing them off). To this day I cannot remember anyone I wasn’t on friendly term with in school (gets awkward when they know me). Of course its not really about being isolated as much as it is about knowing you don’t have to play a certain role to have be acceptable to others, Bakugou hits hard with who he is, letting you know what you’re in for, and you decide if its something your fine with or can match. UA is a good environment for individuals with their own ambitions instead of the usual mob gang he used to run with for most of his life.

Now though, Bakugou has gained a bit of perspective on his friends and classmates; he’s no longer willing to look down on his peers but recognize them for the reason they are in the same school. For the Baku-squad, its all a matter of process and learning as time goes on and I don’t think that is unreasonable for this little group. It’s just unfortunate that timing is not on Katsuki’s side after what had happened at Kamino. No one could have guessed just how this whole event ran deep for him.

 Ironically the only one who might even come close to catching onto to these more human attributes is the very person he’s pushed away from and who will keep from his crossfires in turn:

Izuku is always the one to point out the real intent of Katsuki’s actions, letting in on the kind of state Bakugou is in. Most prominently exhibited during the sports festival: when Bakugou declared his own victory, several students and audience member peg him as being arrogant when in truth Bakugou was demonstrating how serious he was taking the event. Bakugou needed to prove to himself he was worth his merit and Izuku was able to know what that meant when he made this declaration. If someone suggests a misjudgment in his character, Izuku will say it how it is; he has absolute confidence he understands what Bakugou is like more than anyone because he’s had all the time in the world to watch and experience both his best and worst side.

But truth be told, Izuku only understands Bakugou’s physical ticks or when he catches his brief moments vulnerability (i.e. sludge incident). He can’t fathom what Bakugou feels deep down because, while he may recognize those weaknesses he does posses, Izuku can only assume Bakugou is everything he projects: that he wouldn’t hold back from what he feels (anger, pride, confidence, etc.). That notion itself is a far cry from what Izuku truly recognizes about his childhood friend.

You can see Izuku has no doubts in his mind when Bakugou declares he’ll be number 1 back during the first battle training, Bakugou will still shines through even when he experiences a setback; nothing in Izuku’s mind can shake this belief about him. Then he sees for himself that Bakugou can actually break from pressure, he is not an unshakable force of will. The breaks in his thoughts are indication enough to know this is a slow and near unthinkable realization of one of the most steadfast figures in Izuku’s life.

It never crossed his mind just how shaken Bakugou was that first battle, Bakugou is doing all he can to keep himself together before Izuku came around to explain things (keeping in mind Izuku shouldn’t be tasked with detonating a bomb when it comes to Bakugou, even if he’s willing to be that outlet).

 The only other party I can think of that might understand Bakugou in the same level as Izuku almost does would be Ochako. Ochako has shown an incredible level of insight and intuition in how she views and understands her classmates, she’s usually the one to bring new understanding to a situation that may have been overlooked or provide input that is strikingly close to the heart of the matter: click here and you can see her calling out Bakugou on his main issue with Izuku. You can before with Tsuyu she caught on much quicker than anyone else, doing what needed to be done and saying what Tsuyu needed to hear when the time came.

But as it stands, she can only provide input, Bakugou is in no way a friend or someone in a position for her to feel concerned for in the same level she shows toward those she has built relations with. 

shame there aren’t many times where she shines in these skills, the scenes are sparse and far between. Ochako has sharp insight she rarely gets to show off.

For final emphasis: Ochako has no feelings of obligation or responsibility for Bakugou whatsoever, social or personal. She can only put her own goals and the people she does care about in the forefront. Bakugou, as of now, has no place for her to butt into his personal issues. Particularly since she doesn’t seem the type to over step her bounds, she’ll have feedback but that’s the extent she’ll impose herself in those regards. (I like to think they can build a foreseeable friendship in the future when Bakugou is ready to genuinely accept Izuku in his life)

 Once again we circle back to Izuku (like kacchan does :P), who will meddle if that means helping someone. The thing to keep in mind is Izuku does actually feel a sense of loyalty, an over-responsibility, toward Bakugou. Whether this is due to their time old friendship or because Izuku has a strange sense of duty to others, I’m not entirely certain of myself.

And this is proven time and again that if Bakugou believes Izuku has tricked him, he’ll be upfront about how it really is.

 If Bakugou finds himself caught in a fix even he can’t manage to get out of, Izuku will push himself further than anyone else to try and help him out of it, even at his own risk.

Izuku just can’t abandon him, it’s just not in his nature to.

As a sidenote during the sludge incident, Izuku actually managed to step up and outdo both of his inspirations in a single leap, doing what both parties had discouraged him from doing earlier that same day.

Look at him here during the heroes vs villains battle training test:

The thought of Bakugou misunderstanding him to that level just makes him feel like he is guilty of something. Perhaps for Izuku, its not the thought of him being put into doubt but the thought that, in a weird way, he feels as if he’s abandoning Bakugou. If he knows someone is distressed in any way Izuku has to alleviate it because thats his belief, he wants to help others, never wanting to leave them to feel helpless. Deception, even misunderstood deception, that causes more pain than help is something he can’t stand by and let continue. For Izuku, deceiving has no merit unless its for someone else’s sake, that’s why he’ll try to get across the real intent; if it bothers someone, he’ll want to pacify that feeling, a different risk he puts himself through.

 Oddly enough, Bakugou does let himself go in front of Izuku, including All Might who is always present to oversee the pair. Whether its due to a lack of control with his emotions during those instances or because, from his stand point, Izuku will figure it out anyway so he has to affirm himself in those cases when he does find himself feeling more wretched than he wants to be.

The best turn for them now is vocalizing what their central issue is and not holding back about it; they shouldn’t dance around the other anymore, its pointless to keep thinking they need to keep the other at a distance. They continue coming back to the same point every time, repeating the same thing over and over again (rescue, challenge, co-operate then back to rescue) until something has to give. It could only be Bakugou who could make this cycle end since he keeps perpetuating the same mistakes, denying or choosing to shut out Izuku. He can’t keep restricting himself because he’s afraid and in denial, it keeps him standing still unable to make progress, feeding his own fear of being left behind.

 And Izuku affirming that he will no longer back down and can take what Bakugou dishes out is great in knowing that he no longer feels it’s beyond him. Izuku can assert himself fully to be the kind of person who won’t withdraw into himself any longer when there’s adversity. And what better person to exhibit this growth than the one he holds in such high regard and once thought he wouldn’t be able face off in earnest back when he felt he had nothing to stand on, when he felt like he was a spectator only.

Its a slow build from his first time, when he’d still be shaking despite his bravado, to when he almost tries to escape him only to look back to stand up for his friend, let him know Ochako has that determination to do crazy plans like that. Now there’s no quivering or hesitance, he’ll say what he wants and try his damnedest to back it.

He knows Bakugou is great and he wants to stand on that same field as him because, to Izuku most of all, it’s something worth matching, even going so far as surpassing. No one can bring down Bakugou and Izuku knows it’s the place he wants to go all out for, a place where he won’t falter no matter the challenge; a place you can stand your ground and do what needs to be done no matter the difficulty. For Izuku, it means standing firmer than anyone and never backing down or lose confidance in themselves when no one else believe he can do anything; ideals that can’t be shaken, knowing nothing or no one can make him lose his ground. Katsuki isn’t being viewed as only another bully or shitty person in Deku’s life, he’s an aspiration he wants to be himself. Izuku might just be as enamored with Katsuki’s talent as he himself is.

 Bakugou’s own Achilles heel was his belief that there was only single individual who can stand as the best. He’d built himself up only to see it crumble time and again when there was no top but a field with a group of many who can do just as well as him, and if he wants admit it to himself, might be even more impressive. 

Of course this newfound knowledge is a complete whiplash for him at first, he doesn’t know how to adjust to the thought or the change but does what he knows best; he’ll take on this challenge headstrong first, struggling to prove without a doubt where his worth is: being exceptional.These are all individuals taking on their own challenges and, for the most part, they have what he has, they all are going through what he’s going through and he knows he can’t let up. That is way too much pressure for a kid his age to put on himself.

Every time he’s faced with his own weakness, he crumbles bit-by-bit inside. His old amour won’t hold up in this new environment and the adversities he faces. Everything so far he’s tried has been unsatisfying and puts a bad taste in his mouth, he doesn’t know how to meet his goals.

Now he’s stuck in his own head trying to come to terms with his expectations and beliefs no longer being guaranteed. All Might was one of the surest and truest forces in Bakugou’s life and now there’s the knowledge that nothing truly is guaranteed. The kid who couldn’t do anything great is learning and growing to be great, be someone who could overtake him. Your indestructible hero can fall and is human. And his own flaws made All Might human, nothing can change this for him. 

Except Katsuki can change because he can see now there’s no longer a clear cut straight line, its all a matter of how to go forward past the one path he chose. Katsuki can move forward, along with Izuku and All Might now as they truly are, two kids who want to be top heroes and are still learning what that means, along with the one who wants to raise them to be their very best. Bakugou still needs time to be someone who can accept those flaws and shortcomings but I hope he can finally learn to lean on others more and not take it all on himself.(work with your classmates more, kacchan; your gonna be stuck with Todoroki eventually so start there)

By the end of this whole Bakugou redemption journey (whenever that will be), I really hope it will come full circle with that sludge man incident when Katsuki is ready to start the real mend, when he knows and feels that regret for those times he mistreated Izuku; when both are ready to take a step forward together with the other. After all, they are still kids on the road to self-actualization. Katsuki isn’t a bad kid but he still needs time and growth.

I mean they still bring up that event, it still bothers Katsuki, so it is a pretty pivotal subject waiting to be properly addressed between the two in the future:

For now, I don’t think we are quite there but every little step is progress and high school won’t be over for quite some time, they’ve got a fair share of time to grow (thought even that could be tossed out the window sooner rather than later).

That blood there is pretty ominous now that I think about it and was probably foreshadowing All Might’s draining power being the a catalyst for this recent development between the two.

Added Bonus for those who got through this schlep:

Yup, there’s a kid out there who can stretch his own body parts（゜◇゜）

[chasingthecheckered-blog]

Jesse Iwuji -- Driving Toward NASCAR Dreams

For Texas native Jesse Iwuji, racing is not just a passion, but a platform to help him inspire others to strive for their dreams each and every day. I had the pleasure of chatting with Jesse Iwuji today, who was kind enough to take a break from his hectic schedule between being both a professional driver and an active duty member of the Navy.  Iwuji grew up in Texas where he was a stellar athlete in both football and track and field. He went on to do both in college at the Naval Academy, where he was a safety for the Navy Midshipmen. How did this talented athlete get so invested into racing? It all started with passion.

For the #36 Patriot Motorsports K&N West driver, his NASCAR dreams started with his love for cars.  Jesse noted that he has always liked cars and has been interested in racing.  While at the Naval Academy, Jesse says he did a lot of research. He purchased a Dodge Challenger for drag racing and also used a Corvette for road racing. This is when he realized his dream --he wanted to be a professional race car driver.  His career in racing got its start in 2015. He finished out his rookie season in the K&N West Series in the top ten in points in 2016, finishing tenth. Although he experienced a solid rookie year, Jesse's ultimate goal for the 2017 season is to become more competitive and improve in the points standings. He also noted that finishing every race couldn't hurt, which any competitor can wholeheartedly agree with. For Jesse Iwuji, his 2017 season has already started out on a great note.

Prior to the start of the 2017 season, it was announced that Jesse had teamed up with former NFL linebacker Shawne Merriman, who most notably played for the Chargers and the Bills, at Patriot Motorsports Group. When asked about how it all came about, Jesse shared with me that he met Shawne at a fashion show. Shawne was there representing his "Lights Out" clothing brand and the two got to talking.  Jesse wanted to help Shawne get his brand out there yet also get his foot in the door in the racing world. Shawne is now working with Jesse as a car owner, earning owner points as the season continues. This partnership has brought momentum to the #36 team for the 2017 season, and Iwuji plans on continuing this momentum by not only performing well on the track, but by helping others along the way.

As a driver, Jesse strives to use his platform for the greater good. He wants to be a competitive and successful driver, but he wants to help others and inspire others that are out there chasing their own dreams.  Jesse partners with both the Patriot Phoenix Foundation (http://phoenixpatriotfoundation.org/) and 208 Cares (http://www.208cares.org/). The Patriot Phoenix Foundation provides a number of different services for veterans and their families, including assisted living programs and family events.  Meanwhile, the 208 cares program plans to build a home for a disabled veteran in Idaho each year. Jesse says that using his platform to help others feels good. He noted that one of the most rewarding moments he's experienced is when he and his team teamed up to help a boy that has childhood cancer live out his dream become a racecar driver. A 2 seater racecar was built so that the boy could take a few laps around a track and experience the thrill of being behind the wheel. The viral success of the story surprised Iwuji but made him feel good to know that he made the difference in the lives of both the little boy and his family. In addition to his charity efforts, Jesse likes going out to new places and promoting the sport of NASCAR and his brand. He notes that he likes to travel to places where NASCAR isn't exactly well-known or popular, encouraging others to check out the sport. He also spoke about how autograph signings are a great way to interact with the fans and network with new people. Jesse manages to maintain his racing career all while being an active duty member of the Navy. How does he manage this?

When asked about how crazy life can get, Jesse just laughed and said that he leads a hectic yet rewarding life. He says that time management is crucial and that he has to manage to use every minute to his advantage.  Jesse says that there's not a lot of time in his schedule to really go out and have fun -- he's not the partying type.  He spends his free time reaching out to sponsors, practicing on his racing simulator and connecting with different people via social media. His days usually begin around 7:30 am and he doesn't stop going until 1:30 am -- always running like the Energizer Bunny. It takes a special kind of person to be able to accomplish these many things but remain so level headed.

When it comes to accomplishing your dreams, Jesse says that it's a process.The first step in the process is making a decision about where you want to go in your life. He says that you must come to terms with your goal yourself and ensure that you let the world know about it. He suggests writing it down and looking at it every day so that goal is always in the back of your mind. Once you set a goal, you should never look back. Secondly, you need to take a step in the right direction. Every day, you must accomplish at least one thing that helps you get toward that goal. -- this gets you progressing step by step. Third, you must develop a pattern. There are going to be bumps in the road, but you can never look back. He notes that there will always be people out there that support you and those that don't support you. No matter what people say, you should never allow anyone else to drag you down. He also advises to never let other people's opinions of you become a reality -- you know your own truth. Lastly, Jesse says that you need to make sure that you always keep pushing and that you should always remain level headed and possess good character. If your character is off, you will be left exposed for the entire world to tear up. He notes that your talent will open up the door for you, but your character is what will help that door stay open. If you fall, it will dig you into a deeper hole than where you started.  He also states that having faith is also important and that saying a little prayer every night helps. From these wise words alone, it is unquestionable that Jesse's mindset and character is right where it needs to be to accomplish great things. He's always striving for greatness and dreaming about the bigger picture.

When asked what active or former driver he would like to race against, Jesse answered with Dale Earnhardt Jr.  He noted that Earnhardt is a down to Earth guy and a respectful, clean driver. While he's imagining racing alongside the greats in the sport, he's still managing to keep his eyes on the prize. Jesse has entered the 2017 Champion Spark Plugs "Search for a Champion"  contest, where the winning driver will land a $50,000 sponsorship deal. He is one of the top 25 finalists in the competition and one more month of voting remains -- ending on March 23rd. You can vote for Jesse once per day here: http://sfac.championautoparts.com/entry/1184/. Jesse is a wonderful person both on and off the track. He continues to work his hardest every day and encourages others to follow their dreams and do the same. We are wishing Jesse and his team the best of luck in 2017 -- We'll be rooting for you!