#difficult concept but i hope i've been able to communicate it

[kazumist]

EPISODE 23 ✦ PLEASE DONT SAY YOU LOVE ME

LOVE, MAYBE — A CHILDE SMAU

masterlist / prev ep / next ep / wc: 838.

with an ice cream already consumed, ajax is walking you home now. it was a silent walk; only the sounds of the leaves slightly rustling around you as well as both of your footsteps can be heard in the area. 

you liked childe—it took you long enough to realize that. but it’s still a lot for you to process. you think it’s mutual, but how can you be so sure? maybe childe is just like that to the people he cares about, right? but god, it surely makes your heart drop to your stomach at the thought of someone else also receiving this treatment from him.

is this an effect of an eldest daughter who’s also a hopeless romantic? perhaps. romantic love was an unfamiliar concept to you, after all. no matter how much you read or consume media that consists of the theme of romance, it will never be enough to give you the understanding that you wish to grasp with the concept. before you knew it, you had already let your words slip.

"why are you doing this?"

"why shouldn't i be doing this?" he asks back, slightly tilting his head to the side.

"i don't get it, childe. why are you doing this?"

childe pauses for a moment, realizing that you are actually serious with your question. he doesn't reply immediately, finding the right words to say first.

"it's because... i love you," he says, only realizing it now as well. he had always liked you, of course, but ajax had only realized that he loved you. he had loved you for a while now.

"what?" you asked him in disbelief.

"i love you, (name)."

"but... why?"

"is a reason necessary?"

your breath hitched at his words. "i—of course it's necessary! i don't get it. i'm a difficult person. i refuse to communicate. i push people away even though deep inside i know i need help because, even as a child, i never got any sort of assistance to begin with. i pressure myself to the point it's way too overwhelming. i fear that one day i'll end up being useless in my own life. i can hardly even understand myself so what more if others would try? i... i find that i'm undeserving of love because there are others who need it more than me."

"so please, ajax. there's no use in loving me. you'll just get tired in the end. there's someone out there who's more deserving of the love you have to give."

please don't say you love me, because i might not say it back.

"no."

"what? didn't you hear what i just said? i'm difficult to love, ajax—"

"i heard it, but that doesn't change the fact that i still love you nonetheless," he replies, taking a step closer.

"(name), i love you with everything i am, everything i've been, and everything i hope to be, and i'll continue to love you even when you push me away. i will always find my way home to you. i'll be there to pull you back up before you sink any further under the pressure you give yourself. you'll never be useless—i'll make sure that you never feel that way. i will understand you no matter whatever it is that needs to be understood with you."

"you are not undeserving of love, because if there's one person in the world that i'd choose to pour my love on, it would be you," he finishes.

“i… no.”

“what?”

“no—i.. i can’t. i’m sorry, tartaglia.” the use of his last name stung for him a bit. “it’s fine if you can’t right now; i’m willing to wai—” you cut him off before he could finish the word. “don’t!” he flinches at the sudden raise of your voice and is taken aback. “why?”

“please… just don’t. there’s others who are better and more deserving of you than me. why me? you’ll just be wasting your time if you wait for me. i probably wouldn’t be able to give you a proper answer. i.. how are you so sure that you love me?”

“that’s fine with me, (name). it’s okay for me to go through all of that because i know i would be doing it for you.” 

stop it. please.

“my answer is still no.”

i’d rather not risk it. i don’t want to take someone for granted, especially if that someone is you.

“but—”

this is for the better.

“go away, ajax.”

he could feel the weakness in your voice when you said those three words. he tried to get closer by taking a step further, but you took a step back. that was when ajax realized that you were sure of your words. “let me still walk you home, just for tonight—this will be the last one,” he says. as you were about to decline, he spoke again first. “i don’t want you to walk home alone when it’s dark.”

even if this might be the last time i’ll get to do this.

extra notes.

wow double update ?!?! watch me ghost this app again for 2 months ... kidding !

had this episode sitting my drafts for MONTHS. im pretty sure this episode has been written ever since i was still uploading ep 5 maybe? somewhere during the making of the early episodes LAWLZ

smau playlist linked here !! pls give it a listen it gives u the extra feels 😋 this episode is highly inspired by please don't say you love me by gabrielle aplin <3

taglist (open): @xianyoon @mitsvriii @kizakiss @kissingkzuha @aethion @phtogravi @ell1e2010 @esthelily @b4tm4nn @hcmay @ivvieene @morganadorodo @kaitfae @kentply @scaranthropy @kyon-cherri @kookiibun @kochothehoe @mekiiiii @ibyobi @iuspired @tetsuskei @kunikuzushis-darling @morgyyyyyyy @chluuvr @scaradooche @kissmiere @a1-ic3 @bubblegum-angelquartz @tiredjxnna @levlucs-kiru @angeilix @cerisescherries @saeskiss @a-talkative-corn @briluvspnk @kamisatoyato @bbysatoruuu @viviixoxosblog @bambisz @chemiru @eternal-dokja @bflyprincess @jamieexistss @monocerosei @enjisthings @jangyung @hahalame @cupid-spams @snzhrchy @ukinya @luciledreamz @bisatanica @bananasquash @almond-t0fu @thegalaxyisunfolding @jaguarthecat [1/2]

[iwasntstable]

Happy International Noah Day, everyone!

I'm so fucking proud of Noah and all he's accomplished throughout his life. Seeing someone conceptualise an idea and actually have the courage and determination to not only pursue it but to make it a resounding success is nothing short of inspiring.

I'm grateful every day for Bad Omens' presence in this world. Music is something so crucial in my life for my mental well-being (when I lost my job and couldn't afford spotify premium anymore, I was genuinely losing my fucking mind). Every time I listen to their music, I feel like I notice something new and different every time, especially with the TDOPOM album.

I respect and admire Noah as a vocalist, producer, and musician immensely. As someone—and I never talk about this—who makes music myself, his artistry, lyricism, production skills, versatility, and his drive for a unique style and passion for pushing boundaries within the genre are things so encouraging to me and I think to a lot of other fellow artists too. It has been a pleasure to see him grow and improve as an artist over the years.

Beyond the music, his vision for the band—the stage design, music video concepts, stage outfits, whatever the fuck the goodbye, friend stuff is about—is all always so intriguing and enjoyable to watch. Everything that comes out of this band is a pure joy to witness and experience.

Moving away from the band specifically, I've spoken before about how grateful I am to have found such kind people within this community. The love I have received on my works, the friendships I have fostered here, and the creativity I have felt and have been able to express are things I'll forever be grateful for, and it's all thanks to this one guy having the idea to start a band out of Virginia. I hope one day I can meet the friends I've made here on the next BO tour!

Noah, you are a light in this truly shitty world, and I'll forever be grateful for you and thankful for your decision to share your own creativity with us. Thank you endlessly for sharing your voice with us, and thank you for continuing and prioritising yourself even when things are difficult.

I wish you nothing but the best. Success and happiness in your life, whatever that means for you, and I hope to support you and Bad Omens for a long time. 

Happy Birthday, friend. 🖤 And Happy Halloween, everyone! Stay safe 🖤

[perhaps-sunlight]

Self-rec time! What are your favorite five fics that you've written and why? After replying to this ask, feel free pass on to five other writers to spread the love. 💗

Hi, thank you for the ask 💗 It's difficult to pick, not because I think all of my fics are amazing, but because writing takes a lot of effort so I only make time to write the ideas that I love. Right now, as a survival technique, my favorite fics are my three WIPs (one in each of my fandoms).

Focusing on my completed fics, in descending order:

5 -- In Your Image (Harry Potter, Tomarry):

It's rare for me to finish writing a fic and look back upon it with the feeling that I accomplished everything I intended from the outset. This is one of the exceptions. Aside from phrasing and word choices that can always be improved, I am satisfied with my Tomarry take on The Picture of Dorian Gray, and I'm especially proud of the climax and ending.

4 -- Inventing Paradoxes (Harry Potter, Tomarry)

This is a sentimental favorite. I came back to the Harry Potter fandom during the pandemic as a coping mechanism, so I wanted to write something lighthearted and happy (though one could argue I should've picked a different ship). With the Paradoxes series, I regained confidence in writing, a skill that had grown rusty, and I also got a lot of support from my readers, which made me feel like part of a community during a difficult period.

3 -- Perhaps Love (Digimon, Takari)

Another sentimental favorite: I first started planning / writing this fic when I was a teenager, upset with the non-canonical ending to my first ship. The heydays of the fandom have long past by the time I posted, but I was able to find readers who felt similarly disappointed and appreciated the ending that I provided. As with many of my stories, Perhaps was written around three pivotal scenes, and when I reread them years later, I can still appreciate the emotional impact that I was aiming for.

2 -- (never) let me go (Harry Potter, Tomarry)

I've always been and am still fascinated by the concept of death. As a teenager, I wanted to write a story where Harry struggles with the concept of immortality as the Master of Death because it means leaving his loved ones behind, but I didn't have the life experience to pull the story together. After discovering Tomarry, I reframed my original idea into a story about the acceptance of death: both from Harry, who doesn't want to lose someone he loves, and from Tom, who's afraid of moving on.

It's sort of a strange story, and I still find things I'd like to improve when I reread it. However, I was happy that it found readers who enjoyed its strangeness and super flattered that it was bound into a little book!

1 -- Once Upon a Fairy Tale (Digimon, Takari)

Like In Your Image, this is one of the few stories where I feel that I satisfactorily translated my complete vision to paper (and more). I enjoyed exploring how two characters can fall in love and yet still not be together, a theme that I revisit in other works, whether consciously or subconsciously. And when I reread the story, I can discern the hopes and dreams of a person who has yet to experience the ups and downs of real life, which fills me with bittersweet nostalgia for the innocence I once had.

Thanks for reading my rambling!

I'll tag @moonytear, @isalisewrites, and @kippipies (but no pressure at all!).

[lyss-butterscotch]

suns going to confront pebbles right after saving spearmaster is interesting since suns was really attached to spearmaster and didn't even know what happened to them after the forced pearl removal bc of the dead overseer, i wonder if the emotions might've made them extra pissed

some quotes from broadcasts

"SRS: You're right. I guess I'm just scared of losing them. I've grown more attached than I could've expected...

SRS: If I lost them as well, I don't know what I'd do."

"SRS: For what I'm about to admit, I know you'll tease me.

SRS: Despite that, I confess I am growing attached to the messenger I sent out.

NSH: Hah! So you've gotten a soft spot for it? ~

SRS: Well... Yes. They are a very expressive little creature...

NSH: I only recall that you used to be repulsed by them.

SRS: Yes, but with all the time I've invested, I've come to care for its safety.

SRS: Not only just because it's delivering an important message.

NSH: I am going to tell everyone this juicy information ~

SRS: No you are not!

NSH: I know, I kid.

SRS: Anyway... I just hope that it can return back to me safely. And perhaps forgive me for this difficult quest..."

"NSH: Tell me more about this messenger. Do they have a name?

SRS: Well, their test number is 07. So I guess that would be their name.

NSH: That name doesn't have much personality though, does it? Don't you think something else might be better?

SRS: You're not wrong on that. More of a placeholder than anything.

SRS: I'll think of some ideas for a name.

NSH: You shouldn't do that until they return to you. Don't get too ahead of yourself.

SRS:... You're right. Perhaps just 'Messenger' is best... For now."

"NSH: So what's your plan now? Did you have a backup mission for the messenger or are you just bringing it back home?

SRS: No, its over... to tell the truth, I don't even know if the messenger survived.

NSH: How could you not know? Aren't you surveying the situation with your overseers?

SRS: Pebbles destroyed the overseer I sent into his can. Then shortly afterwards I lost communication with the rest of my overseers inside his facility.

SRS: He must have applied a facility-wide lockdown."

Actually now that you mentioned it I think I retconned myself hfjdjdjdnd

The concept art was Suns having wings would get to Spearmaster fast to treat them but then in my AU explanation post I said that after SM's ending up until after Hunter's time Suns been using up that time to get off the string.

So Suns wouldn't have went to Pebbles right after treating SM. SM, following canon, was able to return safely, then Suns started developing their travel puppet, then (still wingless) went to Pebbles. They added wings afterwards to make it faster to visit Pebbles' more to make sure he doesn't disappear again.

But they would still feel pissed at Pebbles for ripping open their cat. Only that enough time would have passed for it to die down... just a lil bit.

[lumi-shifts-home]

introduction ♡ ♡ ♡

Heyy, my name is Lumi and I'm new to Tumblr :)

I'm a reality shifter. I have been in the community since around September 2020. Since then I have taken many breaks, some lasting for months. But I always came back. And I hope that I will keep coming back. Simply because I think the concept is amazing. I mean, just imagine being able to laugh with your favorite fictional characters, being friends with celebrities, living in a fantasy world, going on adventures, having a perfect life.

I didn't shift yet, but I believe that I am close. Personally, I have a difficult time motivating myself, that's why I tried starting to talk about my DRs online. First I've posted some videos on TikTok (see end of post) but came to the conclusion that everything is so fast-paced there. I just feel stressed thinking about how long I haven't posted anything there when I see my mutuals content. I also find it hard to organize the topics, everything is kinda muddled up. That's why I decided to try out a different format. I haven't used this platform for anything but reading fanfics yet, so I don't know much about blogs and such. But I definitely want to give it a try! Let's just see how this goes . . .

❝ What will I post about? ❞ ✧˖*°࿐

I haven't planned much for this blog. I'm probably just gonna info dump about my DRs here. Writing some lore here, posting about my DRselfs/personas there, maybe even some art (even though I'm not a god tier artist)? Who knows. Don't expect to see much. I'll use this mainly for myself.

❝ Here are some of my favorite DRs: ❞ ✧˖*°࿐

Genshin Impact [Mondstadt; Liyue; modern; cyberpunk]

Honkai Star Rail

Omori

Hogwarts Legacy

Haikyuu!!

Jujutsu Kaisen

Sword Art Online

My Hero Academia

Falling Into Your Smile

My Little Pony

Warrior Cats

better CR

. . .

The Liyue and modern GI are my main DRs. I've also been rewatching shows and anime that I loved years ago hence my Haikyuu!! and MHA DRs. They are my main focus as I'm writing this. But I tend to neglect things I'm no longer interested in. So don't wonder why I maybe post about something only once or twice and then never again.

❝ Some things I want to mention: ❞ ✧˖*°࿐

I change my race in some DRs. I don't see why I shouldn't shift to realities where I have a different race or ethnicity if that reality already exists.

I also usually change my age to be younger. Since I'm legally no longer a minor some may not like the idea. I am childish and don't feel like most people my age. Most of my friends are 14 - 17 and I still feel like a kid. I want to have normal, fun teenage years since I didn't have that in my CR.

I think that's it. If I forgot anything I'll just add it later.

I won't argue on those topics. I've mentioned them and if you don't approve feel free to leave.

If you're interested in my other content (it's not much but still), here are my TikTok and Pinterest:

https://linktr.ee/lumi.shifts.home

[zerostyrant]

Hello!! I hope you don't mind this ask, feel free to delete if it bothers you!!

I was wondering, how does one find out about what pronouns they like? And how have you found yours? It's genuine because I find it very interesting that you found your own pronouns with zey/hy and all!!

And also so confusing because of my own gender journey which I'm still exploring 😭

OKAY NO THIS ACTUALLY MAKES ME SO HAPPY I WOULD LOVE TO ANSWER!!! NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR BEING CURIOUS AND EXPLORING YOURSELF!!!

Okay so I have a lot more going on than just having neopronouns and xenogenders, as I am an endel/alterhuman and fictionkin. I won't get too much into me being an otherkin, since it's not necessarily gender related, but if you want to know more, then feel free to ask!

As for my neos and xenos, heres a somewhat cohesive list of all of them:

neos:

zey/zem/zeir/zeirs/zemself

hy/hymn/hymns/hymns/hymnself

ve/vem/vys/vys/vemself

alt/altself

sun/sunself

angel/angelself

cloud/cloudself

chaos/chaosself

xenos:

Humanish, coined by magitoki

Mascentity, coined by mogaihoard (iirc the original coiner for mascbeing is no longer on tumblr?)

Scribblespectric, coined by crystalcoiner

Clockworkmasc (cant find the person who coined this one...?)

I've collected these over the years as I got more comfortable and more well versed with neos and xenos. As for how I got my first preferred set, zey/zem, it actually started with the commonly used/seen ze/zir! Over time, I had morphed it into being zey/zem (adjacent to they/them) because it felt more right. I've been using zey/zem for nearly 2 years now! Hy/hymn was actually pretty recent and it was during a conversation about one of my ocs, Seraph. We had talked about how it'd be silly if an angel-coded character used hy/hymn pronouns and that's when I remembered how much I loved the concept of not-quite-right angels (thank you Mandela Catalogue, you forever haunt my personal narrative) and that I also would love to identify with hy/hymn! I don't quite remember how i got ve/vem/vys, but I do know that it is adjacent to he/him/his (as is hy/hymn).

Now I don't really use my nouns (noun/nounself) nor do I tell people to use them. Actually, I never force anyone to use any of my neos! If someone doesn't want to use them, for any reason, I simply say "just use he/it for me then!" My nouns are more personal identifiers for me, but the way they're perceived can vary from person to person!

As for xenogenders, finding xenos (and neos) are both a bit difficult when you don't know where to look, me personally, I found myself in a discord server from tiktok that was centered around neos and xenos. I was able to talk to people and learn a lot more about the community, as well as collect more neos/xenos. There are a lot of coiners (people who make xenogenders) here on tumblr, and you can definitely start by looking through some of the tags I'll be using on this post! You can also go to the accounts linked above to find some you like!

I also have a really extensive neopronouns list saved to my bookmarks that can give you some ideas! You can also make your own! There's no need for you to use ones already created; the whole point of neopronouns is for them to be new and special to you. (neo means new in latin, funnily enough, so neopronouns directly means new pronouns!!) Your neos don't need to be connected to any of your xenos, and you don't have to identify with any xenos to use neos, and vice versa!

I get really happy when people ask me about my journey with neos and xenos, so sorry for yapping so much, and I hope this helps a lot!!

[ethersierra]

Here is why the McElroys should consider hiring me if they were ever to adapt Ethersea:

I love Ethersea a lot. Like I'm crazy about it. I'm actively making tables on the wiki and going back and doing episode summaries. I take really detailed notes (I had 22 pages from just the five prologue set ups). I keep track of shit. I have a compilation of all the transcripts in one pdf open at all times.

I have a Vision. The framing, the pacing, the composition, what to keep or cut or add onto, design details. All of it.

While I would not even dare to shoot for the position of illustrator on this ambitious a project (in which I have no professional training so I would be shit at formatting), I do have a creative background in illustration, which would prove useful when communicating with the artist.

I know people! I am your eyes and ears within the Ethersea community. You need a heads up on how something would be received -- well, I've seen how it might! Character choices that matter, relationships that people want to see expanded on, the favorite goofs-- I know them! Your favorite artists who draw scenes from Ethersea? I follow them, I talk to some of them. One of them is my Dungeon Master!! You want to see concepts for this setting? Oh I know a guy! I am like an eel weaving between rocks, you cannot stop me. I find every ethersea post eventually.

I have a diverse array of interests and skills. I may not be a marine biologist but I would drive down to Monterey to talk to one. You need an analytical look at the narrative, to pull apart its themes? Let me just... move this AP Literature score of 5 out of the way so I can start telling you why Ethersea is an incredible piece of fiction with compelling characters and a world that is alive, and how it can function as an allegory to our own relationship with our world. You need someone to do meticulous copy edits? I already have a style guide open in another tab-- being the editor for yearbook trained me for this. I do not only succeed in the technical writing department, but I also have a deep love for science, especially the natural world. My proximity to the pacific ocean means learning a lot about marine ecology even just in passing, and I really love chasing that curiosity.

I have a lot of thoughts about brinarr and their designs. I began working on a speculative biology project about Brinarr but have yet to return to it-- but I learned a Lot about corals and other marine species in that time. I worked on this at the same time as I was taking an anatomy and physiology class (which I have kept my notes from for future reference), and combining these two understandings into one has been one of the more difficult but rewarding creative tasks I've pursued. Because of my variety and versatility of skills and interests, bringing multiple things together to create something new is something I enjoy and comes easily to me.

I am an excellent note taker! I take notes by my very nature. Twice I went to a college tour with a notepad and pen only to find I was alone in that. I have 44 pages of notes from D&D when we only had 5 sessions. I had an organized document for APUSH that was dreadfully long but extremely navigable. I keep my documents in folders. I keep my PLAYLISTS in folders. You will absolutely be able to find the correct document that you're looking for.

I may not have any degrees, or expertise in publishing, but I do have an intense passion for Ethersea and strong motivation to learn and adapt. While this is an absolutely futile endeavor on my end, I am shouting it into the void in the hopes that it is heard.

[thegreenmeridian]

An addendum to the "how have you been?", I've seen that you've converted to judaism. I'm really happy for you and hope that you get to celebrate Shabbat with people that accept and embrace you!

I've been searching and learning a lot about judaism throughout the years, but I'm honestly scared of converting and not being able to find a community. How has this been like for you?

Well it’s not so much converting as it is trying to be more Jewish.

Heritage wise I’m Jewish even if I’ve not really been *actively* Jewish until very, very recently. And even then, I’m still not super observant, a) because I straight up don’t know what I’m doing and b) because rural Iceland is sort of… not conducive to a lot of Jewish law.

But! All the same, I’m attempting to live a more Jewish life. And I’m enjoying it. It feels like coming home. It would be a lot easier if I lived anywhere near other Jews but for now it’s pretty much just me for a 100km radius.

I might end up needing to convert anyway - I’m not sure if I’m Jewish by Jewish legal standards, or able to prove it if I am. That’s where it might get more tricky because conversion is, generally speaking, a long process involving a lot of study and guidance, and very difficult (if not actively impossible) to do without a community. Jewishness is inherently a community thing. So for you, it’s more… you’d find the community first and the conversion would follow, if that makes sense. You chat to a rabbi and go from there, and the conversion process itself would involve becoming part of the community long before you’re legal.

I’d be fairly limited to online conversion (on which there is a whole debate and varying levels of acceptance), live-streamed services from a London synagogue, and whatever is feasible for me to do here given I live a good 8 hours drive or one overpriced flight from the rest of the Jews. There is such a concept as the “conversion of doubt” - converting for people who are Jewish by birth but can’t prove it to Jewish legal standards - and I’m not sure if that takes less time than regular conversion. If I do end up needing to do that, there’s also the added complication of the Icelandic rabbi being Haredi, and Haredi not being suitable for me for various reasons.

Basically, shit’s confusing and legally complex but… that seems to be a deeply Jewish experience in and of itself. And in any case, it’s worth it. It’s confusing and isolating and difficult, but it’s worth it. I feel like this is what I’m meant to be doing and I wish I’d done it sooner.

[sapphirewisdom]

Deschooling Yourself

Wrote this in a radical unschooling forum. For context, deschooling is the process where a kid who has previously been raised under an authoritarian paradigm gets used to being able to follow their own impulses around how to spend their time. It's often a process where they indulge in extremes of those things they were previously not allowed to do, though this is temporary. (The older the kid the longer this process takes; so as I started my inner process as an adult, it has been a difficult one).

--

My development with self-deschooling continues...

I feel like I've made deep progress in the last couple months, something that I feel is connected to my participation in this community (perhaps not just that the community has helped, though it has, perhaps also I've gravitated here because of the shift in me).

Let's go back fifteen years. I'm about 20, still full of rage, and I've heard of unschooling and deschooling. I decide to deschool myself. And because I'm now expected to transition from enslavement in school to enslavement in a "normal" job, I decide to call this unjobbing.

I quite successfully manage to avoid having a job with a boss for all but 5 months of these fifteen years, which is -- coincidentally or not (not) -- the amount of time I needed a job to qualify for German state benefits. It's been exactly what I needed, relatively speaking, but it hasn't been *objectively* healthy. My life has been EXTREMELY avoidant. If I am one day to teach people how to deschool / dejob themselves, I don't think I'll be exactly a role model like this, at least not for anyone but the most radical.

Deschooling myself has been a thread in my personal development ever since the concept came up for me, but sometimes it's been more in the foreground and sometimes more in the background. I've always been terrified of what I saw as a vicious cycle of getting a "normal" job and letting the obedience conditioning get stronger in me. 

Two things seem relevant now: my study of Nonviolent Communication, which I've mentioned here before, in many ways the antidote to authoritarianism; and my practice of Alchemy (following Catherine Maccoun's writings). Alchemy I would sum up as a deep trust in the processes of a human soul, and a dedication to working with, and not against those processes. 

If I had wanted to have a very functional life, I might have overridden my desire to avoid any trace of social obedience training. It'd have felt like I was killing myself, though, so I did the alchemy approach; I surrendered to this impulse, and trusted. The soul is wise, often wiser than we think when we look at something and label it "lazy" or even "insane".

A year and a half ago I was rewarded with an awakening experience, of a sort -- not like full on enlightenment or whatever, but enough spiritual energy injected into my life that I now feel I could argue with Eckhart Tolle from a place of authority... and anyway, I transformed a LOT, grew a LOT in my manifesting ability, intuition, spiritual attunement, etc. I identify this moment as the moment I became, in general, happy, as opposed to living a story of strife and suffering.

A lot of the time since then has been a process of integration and embodiment of what I've learnt. This year I've been noticing the spring in nature like never before; and inwardly, I feel like I'm in the spring of my life. Or, if I'm in the morning of my life, to use another metaphor, let's say I'm stretching and getting my morning coffee. I'm slowly, slowly getting in gear. (Whoops, yet another metaphor. Hope you can keep up).

In this process, deschooling is becoming an important thread again. I will never live a life of harsh "discipline" -- that much is clear. So how to live a life of inspired action, gentle action, action that does not come from inner "shoulds", inner threats of punishment?

It seems really important to take the perspective of reparenting my inner child, or inner children. Let's take the example of food. I am trying hard to lose weight (30 kilos/60ish pounds down, ten kilos to go) and I'm not satisfied with the approach of completely letting go and eating *whatever*.

But what I've been realising recently, which seems to have been a big "aha" moment for me, is that completely letting go isn't really parenting myself -- peacefully or otherwise. In terms of what I'm doing with my inner child, it looks more like neglect.

And that's the big mistake people keep making with peaceful parenting, right? They assume that if they are to skip authoritarianism, they need to just kind of check out from parenting altogether, right? (How could I be making this basic mistake, I ask myself? In my defense, I have the thought that it's essentially the *only* mistake, the one deeply rooted mistake all others come from). 

So with the topic of eating, I'm tentatively seeing it this way. My inner child who loves to eat (or who is scared of being controlled around eating, and so eats fast and wild) needs my PRESENCE. 

Sometimes, I might see a certain action as dangerous (for example eating so much I get sick), and will use a certain amount of force to restrain myself -- not punish, without any thoughts of punishment, only gentle loving restraint. 

If my inner parent is panicking about how I eat, I'd like to take a moment to consider when such restraint is healthy and necessary, and then once I have a clear idea of that, I can step back with my inner helicopter parenting. 

Then I need to give my inner child PRESENCE. Be lovingly with the part of me that is scared of not getting the food that feels nourishing. Or with the part of me that eats to feel emotionally safe. Or that just wants to enjoy things with abandon and feel alive. 

Be present while I eat. Even if I'm eating like a pig (so long as I've decided that the situation doesn't call for actual restraining). *Especially* then. My inner child needs love all the time, and doesn't need to be judged with words like "eating like a pig" (whoops -- I did it to myself. Sorry, beloved me). 

I believe that with enough love and presence, my tense, defensive inner child parts can gradually relax. In that relaxation will come the opening to genuinely, enthusiastically consider things like... like salad, for instance :) 

Then it won't feel like self discipline.

Then it will feel like joy and self love.

Then I'll be the role model of freedom and healthy self-relationship I dream of being.

This is worth it.

I'll keep you updated. :)

[acornered]

2024 WISHLIST

I know Resolutions are a controversial concept but I still want to spend some time reflecting on what my goals this year were, if I accomplished them to my satisfaction, and what I'd like the next year of my life to look like. So here we go:

Purchase second-hand and locally owned as much as possible How Well I Did: Very well! I've become friends with a lot of local vintage store owners, artists, and tradespeople, and I've been able to reduce the amount of frivolous consumption I engage in significantly. Repeat in 2024: Absolutely!!!

Continue to work on my relationship with my body How Well I Did: Uh. Ooof. Um. My body changed a lot this year and it's been really hard for me to make peace with that. Regular healthy meals and consistent exercise are both difficult habits for me because of the mental illnesses, and falling off of that particular wagon, combined with finally coming to terms with my ED, has made for a rocky road to body positivity. Repeat in 2024: I need to redouble my efforts here, and actually commit to forming healthy habits around food, and making time to do a little physical activity each day. And every time I look in the mirror, I will try to challenge the negative thoughts until I can hopefully accept the inherent worth and beauty of my flesh.

Continue to work on my mental health How Well I Did: Average, I think. There were bouts of depression, and periods of inconsistency with my medication, but I am getting better every day and I have built myself a really stellar support system to pick up the slack when I need it! Repeat in 2024: Always, every year, forever. I can't imagine going back.

Nurture and honor my relationships with others, and my own wellbeing in those relationships How Well I Did: Pretty well, with only 2 notable exceptions. To the people who have helped me grow, who have loved me enough to tell me when I am wrong, who have been patient with me when I've had to assert a boundary with them-- thank you. I may not always choose well, but when I do I end up with the most beautiful, loving relationships I could ask for. Repeat in 2024: There are two specific things that I need to face down next year (one pleasant but terrifying, and one awful but necessary), and I only hope that I can do so with strength and grace and that the pain will be worth the healing it brings.

Have positive romantic and sexual experiences How Well I Did: I had moderate success with this one. While I made a real effort to put myself out there, there were moments of true despair, especially after a couple of opportunities broke down from poor communication/bad timing. However, I did manage to figure out some important boundaries, and enforce them to varying degrees of success. I'm entering 2024 still single, which is not ideal, but with a much better sense of what I'm looking for and how to ask for it. Repeat in 2024: I'm still not great at making the first move, but I am mentally projecting shoot your shot vibes to every cute girl I know, and maybe this year I'll even get an opportunity to be courageous.

Read at least 1 book every month How Well I Did: I managed around 8/12, and didn't keep track of when I read what. But I am consuming books again which is in turn helping me rediscover my love of reading and writing. I think with more of a concentrated push, I can make this happen for real! Repeat in 2024: Yep, with better documentation this time!

Conclusion: 2023 was a mixed bag, and it really ended on a low note with multiple waves of interpersonal conflict, a bad bout of depression, and an unexpected death of someone I've known since childhood. I want to start the New Year with a clean slate, but it's difficult with so many things unresolved, and a funeral service to attend in the very first week of 2024. I am determined to start slow, and find that balance between necessary rest and gratuitous wallowing. I am grateful every day that my desire to move forward, to shape the life I want for myself, overpowers my desire to lay down and never move again. At least most of the time. I promise to continue to find beauty in quiet, unlikely places, to give the kind of love I wish to receive, and make my corner of the world the kind of soft place I'd be happy to inhabit. If you've read this far, I love you and I hope you stick around. Happy New Year (almost).

[shihalyfie]

Hello! Remember me? I hope you're taking care of yourself so far. If I may, do you think you could do an analysis on Gulusgammamon from Ghost Game, especially his relationship with Hiro? His profile in TV tropes seem to cast doubt on whether his Endbringer story is actually true or a lie he constructed to get others off his back. What do you think? Or, if you don't feel like it, can I ask on how would other digimon protagonists from other series react to Gulusgammamon, XW Hunters crossover style? Or at least a digimon that has the same personality as Gulus. If you don't mind, can you do both questions? Thank you. Have a great month! Eat fruits.

Thank you for the well wishes! Sadly, as I said in this ask earlier, by the time I was able to attend to this ask, my brain had gotten to the point where it's already forgotten a lot of my immediate thoughts on the Ghost Game finale (it was also a very difficult time for me at work at around exactly the same time, so I unfortunately wasn't in a state where I could really absorb everything well). I'll try to answer both, but I'll warn that my answers won't be as deep as you're probably hoping.

I don't personally like to assume characters are lying unless there's a good reason to believe so, and while Gulus is an anti-hero type, I don't really see him as a liar, nor do I see much benefit the plot would get out of it being a lie. (I do respect the fact that TV Tropes profiles come up with interesting theories, but I have some...mixed feelings about how the Digimon editor community there approaches the franchise, so I try not to put too much weight on what they write; goodness knows that there's so much fandom echo chamber stuff on there.)

I think the entire concept of "destroying to save from further destruction" is something they wanted to legitimately play with; it's not the first time such a concept has been used in the franchise (Xros Wars manga Bagramon), but it's fitting for the tone Ghost Game sets as well as something we haven't seen in Digimon anime much. Also, I've seen Japanese discussion suggesting that it may be based on the 1999 "King of Terror" prediction by Nostradamus, which fits with both Ghost Game's concept and the fact that Adventure (along with a ton of other Japanese works) is based on this concept as well.

As for the crossover, I'm afraid to say my answer isn't very interesting; I think everyone would maybe be a bit unnerved, but I think these kids have dealt with far weirder things than someone's partner being a part anti-hero.

[artbypaz]

Tales from The Sketchbook #1

Welcome to a new series I am titling: ‘Tales from The Sketchbook’ where I’ll be taking one sketch from one of my many sketchbooks and talk about the inspiration behind the piece and maybe any ideas on how to handle the piece moving forward. If that’s something you’re interested in be sure to like this post and follow me for future tales!!

This is a 4 x 6 inch ink and watercolor sketch of a robot. I’ve been on a robot kick lately and hopefully you’ll all know why soon. But I like this little guy. Particularly I enjoy his eyes, I wanted something bright and piercing but non threatening. I kept his outline loose at least for the sketch. I inked his outline using somewhat of a hashmark style of shading that I've always loved, particularly in old peanuts comics and even the cartoon. I painting his body with watercolor and used a combination of grey but with small drops of black and red in certain sections to act as subtle shadows and highlights.

I find the image of a what would normally be a cold heartless machine holding something that represents life. So, the idea of the robot holding a sunflower wasn’t much of a stretch but for me I think this can grow to a piece that can represent the balance of nature and modern society. I think this little bot can make a cool environmental based series. I’d like to further explore this theme as well as maybe attempt to give the bot a little more personality to the robot. The robot itself I would love to communicate a sort of torment between loving life and acknowledging the damage you cause to nature from merely existing. I think it’s a difficult headspace to be in but the exhaust coming out of his back suggests he must be powered and therefor him existing and being able to experience the beauty of the world means he is killing it. The robot itself beginning to show signs of age by developing early rust suggesting that his form of technology is showing signs of being dated as its limitations become more apparent it finds itself taking time to appreciate nature and the world around it.

Anyway, if you’re reading this I hope you’ve enjoyed the first installment of this series. If you want to see me continue this particular concept please comment or like it so I can see what’s doing well. Follow me for more ‘Tales from The Sketchbook’ and much more art related content I plan on posting here.

You can also check out my Instagram: @art_by_PAZ for more art and to stay up to date on any news about my art.

[penisbutterjellytime]

Hey!! So Ive been seeing all your cool lore posts on reddit for all tomorrows and i adore them! Curious, do you have any "original" post humans? I know some people have made their own so just curious if you do too!

TYSM ^.^ !!!

I really enjoy making Character Designs and All Tomorrows is really fun to mess with in relation to that.

I don't have a cohesive story for all of them, I mostly have concepts that I think would be fun and their designs.

Adding a read more in case this is too long for some people lol

A snake person who is a pro-wrestler named Boa (or just Bo) the Constrictor

With my advanced Blind Folk headcannons, A Cowboy/Mercenary Blind Fellow with super hearing so can almost always hear and aim for the heart lol. (Haven't drawn him yet)

Besides the Blind Folk I also really love the Symbiotes. They were my first fave before the the BF. I have this emo looking Symbiote that I might develop more, since I don't have a solid personality for them yet really + this butterfly themed Symbiote in the same situation lol

I also have another Symbiote host/body character that gets stuck in their head a lot, grappling with their individuality and how they technically have their own thoughts and free will and they kind of hate it / scares them so takes up difficult physical jobs and manual labor, also getting into fights, so they don't have to think. I've been trying to make a design for them but haven't found anything I'm satisfied with. Koseman says the hosts are more like horses being driven by the Parasidic Symbiotes, but I'd assumed the Parasites would speak through their hosts, so I think the hosts would also be able to communicate with each other through speech instead of just body language like most animals. Maybe more like the intelligence of dolphins, crows, or maybe octopus. Like they'd pick up language from being around the Parasites and then able to develop and communicate in their own language.

I made some modular people based of architecture aesthetics which I'll post soon.

When classes take a break for the summer I hope to make a few All Tomorrows animatics, and those have characters!

I have a Martian and Star person couple / band during the Qu evasion. Names undecided yet but the Martian is pretty tall due to Mars' gravity and her boyfriend is super short because of Jupiter's gravity (where he's from) They travel planet to planet touring but mostly live on Mars. During the Qu evasion they jump around and start shenanigans leading to people they're around getting found by the Qu but somehow they are always end up escaping until they are eventually caught in the end. They look a little weird cause I wanted their designs to foreshadow what post-human they'll be turned into.

And lastly a Gravital who loves her mechanical life and planet until she finds out about the Golden Record on the Voyager and start modifying her mechanical body to look more humanoid (Human design still pending)

[wholelotofweird]

Okay, gamers, the first quarter of the year is over and I want to share with you the books I've consumed thus far.

I've recently been using StoryGraph and damn, it's really fun if you like data and also logging the stuff you read. Would recommend. I say that, because a number of these books were consumed thanks to one of the challenges they've set for the year, to read a number of books in different categories. Let me say, this is the most diverse spread I've read in YEARS. So. Anyway.

Lycanthropy and Other Chronic Illnesses, by Kristen O'Neal

I would 100% recommend reading this book, if you are able, in print format instead of audio. There are a number of sections where the main characters are talking over text chat and I'm not sure how well that would translate over audio.

This book had me saying, "They're just like me fr" non ironically multiple times. It's such a lovely look at friendship and building our own communities and struggling with chronic illness. There is at no point any gatekeeping of what a chronic illness should look like or what a person with a chronic illness needs to look like.

The one thing that I didn't love was the fact that a white author picked first person POV of a POC. It isn't the best choice. I feel better about it after looking through O'Neal's website where she has readily admitted that it was a choice she would not make again. I appreciate the thoughtfulness of not making the "monstrous" character a POC.

Overall! I really enjoyed this book. It's a pretty fast read, but it is heartwarming and hopeful and full of genuine joy.

A Magic Steeped In Poison, by Judy I. Lin

This book was SO fun! Magic, romance, court politics, betrayal. What more could you want? Other than the magic system being tea based. That's right babies, TEA BASED! Monch monch monch, what a beautiful system I am in love.

This is another fast read. I've always been a sucker for magical tournaments and historical fantasy. If any of that is your vibe I would absolutely recommend picking this up. I know there is a second book, but I haven't had the opportunity to read that one yet.

Found, by Margaret Peterson Haddox

Now... Like I said... I was picking books for a reading challenge I'm doing. This one was from "read a middle grade book you never read", so I am FULLY aware that I am not the audience for this book.

That being said, oh my god, this was a rough one. I think my biggest gripe is that the cast are all 13-15 year olds but you would never know it. They're out here acting like 20 year olds. Maybe when I was 13 I would have been able to buy it, but at 30-whatever I am not. This is the first of multiple books and I can't say I regret not reading more.

Vincent and Theo: The Van Gogh Brothers, by Deborah Heiligman

So, I'll be honest, the reason I was drawn to this was because I got to see this amazing Van Gogh art instillation last year. Part of that instillation was a display of excerpts of the letters between Vincent and Theo, and let me tell you, that is what made me cry.

This book is certainly nothing ground-breaking. It's a biography of these two men. It tells their stories at the same time, side by side. I also cried reading this.

Am I emotional? Is it because I have younger siblings I'm very close to? Is it because I, too, am mentally ill and an artist?

Who knows, gamers.

Quackery - A Brief History of the Worst Ways to Cure Everything, By Nate Pedersen & Lydia Kang, MD

Again, nothing groundbreaking. This book is a funny and informative look at medical process through history. I'm a sucker for medical history. I did listen to the audiobook for this and I think it really helped the humor shine. If you're also a fan of bizarre medical history (or the podcast Sawbones), this is the book for you.

The Devil in the White City, by Erik Larson

I enjoyed this book! For a person who is bad at remembering names, though, it was difficult to follow at times. There were so many players in the conception and realization of the Chicago World's Fair that I would lose track of just who I was hearing about.

That said, it was a very cool look into the trials and tribulations that went into making the spectacle a reality. This book managed to touch on SO much, not even to it's detriment. Despite getting confused by names the main through-line was easy to follow. I was invested start to finish.

In the Vanishers' Palace, by Aliette de Bodard

Do you like beauty and the beast retellings, but instead the beast is a very cool dragon, and also it's hella gay??? Then do I have the book for you! It does one of my favorite sci-fi things where there is a world, there are facts of that world, but you aren't supposed to learn them. Those aren't what matter, they are simply table setting. It's a beautiful story. I do wish there was a bit more depth into the romance, but that's just me.

Beautiful, atmospheric, and emotional. Lovely book.

A Marvelous Light, by Freya Marske

Damn, the pining in this book??? Truly a wonder.

This book is such a lovely blend of interesting plot, intriguing magic system, and just lovely gay romance. I've been trying to consciously read more queer books this year and so far I am having a wonderful time. I'm going to be 32 this year and for the first time since I was a pre-teen I'm seeing myself really reflected in books. It's such a fuckin' cool experience. I'm an emotionally compromised teenaged girl.

[sonorous-cicada]

If your opinion is different, that's okay, we can still be friends.

As a person, I've struggled with social anxiety disorder. There was a time in my life where even going to the grocery store was a challenge. I could barely leave my house because that would mean talking to people. Though this may seem unfathomable to some, this was my reality.

As a reader of fanfic, it is difficult to put myself out there and comment on a stranger's story. Thankfully, I have been blessed with very talented friends who write fanfic. I would hope that they love me or at least care about me enough to not mind the incoherent babbling and screams I leave in their comment sections. As for strangers, commenting on their fics takes a lot of spoons for me (of course, everyone is different, this is just my experience). With every comment, my anxiety tells me I *must* write something polished, coherent, and intelligent. For a stranger, my anxiety tells me I need to actively analyze their writing and every literary device they used for a glowing review rather than scream into the keyboard as I would a friend, and that can be tiring, so I tend to avoid them.

As a writer of fanfic, few things in the world can compare to seeing someone comment on something you spent hours writing. It's a great feeling to see that email from Ao3 or notification from ffn.net that someone out in the world is as enamored by the same ideas and concepts as you are. Those comments help build the community fanfiction is comprised of. But so do conversations on a Discord server, in the dms of tumblr, or in a tweet.

Personally, I'll be okay if someone doesn't leave a comment. I've been there; it's hard to put yourself out there. My community of writers and friends will take care of me, as I do them. I would rather know someone enjoyed something I wrote without them feeling pressured to say something--pressured enough that reading fanfiction is no longer enjoyable. It should be enjoyed by everyone, introverts and extroverts alike.

Fandom is a community, it takes all kinds to build a community. You should be able to come as you are, there will always be room at the table. Though we may fight, (or rehash the same argument once a year), everyone still belongs. Everyone is welcome no matter the baggage they bring.

Again, others have different opinions, including some close and dear friends of mine. That's fine. This one is mine: come as you are.

I'm going to start this post off by saying that I write fic, and I know the pain of putting something out there and not getting a response. It sucks and it hurts and it puts a dent in my self-confidence. If I have the choice between posting a work on AO3 and getting only comments or posting a work on AO3 and getting only kudos, I'll probably choose comments let's say 8 times out of 10.

But with that in mind, posts that attempt to shame or guilt readers into commenting don't actually work.

Negative reinforcement (in the form of shame, guilt, or other worse emotions) doesn't make anyone want to do the thing. It just makes them want to avoid the guilt, etc. Rather than encouraging someone to talk to you about your writing, you're making that person want to avoid you so that they don't have to feel bad. That's just human nature.

I've said before that I think a lot of writers are looking for community rather than comments, and I still think that's true. The reason I love both writing and receiving comments is because it makes me feel like I've made a connection with someone. I may never know their real name or what they look like or where they live or anything else but what fandom we have in common, but we've reached out to each other in this text-based medium and we've shared words that made each other feel something.

I know that these posts are written out of frustration or loneliness or needing support or a hundred other reasons I could list off the top of my head. But when I read "you should be grateful for the things I give you and show me proper appreciation" it just reminds me of my parents telling me to clean my room or to follow the rules while I live under their roof.

It's so much more vulnerable to admit, "I don't know if this story is any good and I really wish someone would reassure me right now."

It's much harder to say, "I feel so alone in this fandom, and I want to make friends with someone."

It's difficult to admit, "I worked so hard on this for so long and I'm so tired, but if someone out there likes it then all of that effort will be worthwhile - and if no one says anything, then I'll feel like my effort was wasted."

I'm not trying to shame the people who made those posts, and if that's how this comes across then I'm sorry. I'm just trying to explain why I think those posts will harm more than they help.

I also hope that any readers who see this post will understand that those writers are just people who are feeling a lot of different ways, and they're venting their frustrations. I've been there. I've reblogged those posts before when I was feeling frustrated like that too.

If you're able to comment, those comments are appreciated. If you're not able to comment (for whatever reason), that's okay too. ❤️

[licksmenhirs]

Hope it's OK with @thecupidwitch if I respond to your ask game from the group on my side blog so I don't clog up the group ☺

Witchcraft Ask Game

you can answer in the comment or make your own post :)

Witchcraft Ask Game

you can answer in the comment or make your own post :)

What drew you to witchcraft?

Do you follow a specific witchcraft tradition, or are you eclectic?

Do you believe in the Threefold Law or karma in witchcraft?

What advice would you give to someone who feels called to witchcraft but is unsure where to begin?

What tools or items are absolutely essential for your practice?

Have you ever had a dream or vision that felt prophetic?

What do you think of Aleister Crowley?

Do you think witches can create their own deities?

How do you feel about people worshiping deities from pop culture?

What’s your opinion on the idea that "all magic comes with a cost"?

What’s the weirdest thing that’s ever happened to you during a spell?

If you could cast one spell right now, what would it be and why?

What’s your belief on the afterlife, and how does it affect your spiritual practices?

What’s your opinion on the importance of connecting with the land in witchcraft?

How do you feel about using magic to influence others?

What’s your opinion on hexing or cursing?

Do you believe in spiritual psychosis?

The longing to be close to a power and a side of life I had sensed was out there for some time, something deeper than the material and yet more human and sensual than the spirit.

No, I describe myself as independent.

No, I subscribe to neither of those.

Ask yourself who you are and what you want, figure out what practices are true to you, and from there start researching and incorporating experimentation as you go.

Herbs, candles, fire, pencils and paper and drawstring bags.

More so predictive, because I've never been able to effect any great change or obtain the kind of profound wisdom you'd normally associate with a"prophetic" dream.

I think his impact on the modern witch movement is greater than some people suppose but not as significant as others believe it to be. I think he was problematic, but instead of treating his problems as unique they need to be understood in the wider context of the occult community as a whole at his time, because he wasn't the only problem then and he isn't the only problem now. I think spelling Magic with a K to "distinguish yourself from stage magicians" is condescending and utterly pointless.

Yes, because god-hood or deity status is a human construct. More on that another time though.

I think it's fine as long as they're careful about cultural appropriation via media.

What magic? What tradition, or culture? Because that can only be answered contextually, but overall I'd say no.

When I gave myself a splinter trying to perform a curse.

A protection spell for the unprotected everywhere worldwide, but that would be exceptionally difficult to achieve with so many other factors.

I believe in souls and eternity, I don't believe all souls meet the same fate, but not in a heaven and hell way. It doesn't affect my practice too much, I've done ancestor work though.

It depends on your practice. Some magic is more psychological or energy based.

Depends on what you're trying to achieve.

Depends on who and why: generally I'm pro-hex, but I believe positive magic is easier to handle than negative magic, at least for me personally, but not from a moral standpoint.

I believe psychosis can be affected by spiritual beliefs and practices, but I don't really believe in a concept of a unique spiritual psychosis.