#different girl same heartbreak 💔

[nostalgicninjas]

Cobra Kai Parallels | Season 5 Episode 8 X Season 6 Episode 8

[mindyco]

Bakugou x F!Reader 💔 [Store Bought] [Angst version]

Warnings: Reader gets called crude remarks by a group of men, full of angst and heartbreak

Artwork credit: @Reharux035

As I was writing 'Store Bought', I wanted to make a cute and fluffy scenario where Bakugou comforts us and shit. I wanted to make the reader avoid the quesiton and just never end up telling Bakugou what the hell happened so he can coax and comfort us, but then I realized Bakugou's character. I feel like he'd blame himself that he isn't trustworthy enough to tell our worries to. But I didn't wanna write that since Bakugou deserves a bad bitch that will always love him, but I couldn't stop myself. Sorry for the angst, guys. ╮(╯_╰)�� The beginning starts the same as 'Store Bought', but the ending is completely different.

As you stood outside the convenience store, the warm evening breeze gently caressed your cheeks, rustling the fabric of your beautiful dress. The delicate puffy sleeves framed your arms, adding a touch of elegance to your appearance. The bodice, wrapped flawlessly around your petite, pale body, accentuated your graceful figure. You glanced down at the ground, feeling a mix of anticipation and discomfort as you waited for Bakugou to emerge with a bag full of snacks.

However, amidst the bustling sounds of the city, you couldn't help but overhear a group of grown men nearby engaged in an indecent conversation. Their voices carried on the wind, their lewd remarks about your body and their desires to take you home cutting through the air like shards of glass. The crude words invaded your ears, making you feel exposed and vulnerable. You clenched your fists, anger simmering beneath the surface, but you knew engaging with them would only escalate the situation.

With trembling fingers, you twiddled nervously, desperately trying to ignore the repulsive remarks that stained your ears. You averted your gaze, casting your eyes downward, their gazes stripping away your sense of security, leaving you feeling bare and defenseless. But no amount of distraction could fully shield us from the onslaught of their indecency.

"You see that girl over there? Damn, she's something else," ugly ass bitch #1 said with a low chuckle.

"Yeah, look at those curves. I wouldn't mind taking her home," ugly ass bitch #2 chimed in, his voice thick with lust.

The third ugly ass bitch let out a lecherous whistle. "She's got legs for days. Bet she knows how to use them."

Their words sent shivers down your spine, a chill running through your veins. You felt your face flush with anger and embarrassment, a storm of emotions swirling within you. How dare they objectify you, reduce you to nothing more than an object of desire?

But then, they uttered something that struck a nerve, a comment so degrading that it shattered the fragile walls of your composure. "I bet she's easy. A girl like that, she's just asking for it."

Tears welled up in your eyes, blurring your vision as you struggled to hold back your emotions. The men, alarmed by your sudden outburst, quickly dispersed, leaving you standing there, tears streaming down your cheeks, feeling a mix of anger, sadness, and humiliation.

You couldn't control the flood of emotions that overwhelmed you, and you bent down, lowering your head, seeking solace in the veil of your own vulnerability. The world around you seemed distant and muffled, as if it was just you and your pain. The ground beneath you felt cold and unforgiving, the sensation seeping through the fabric of your dress, intensifying the ache in your heart.

Amidst your tears, a gruff voice suddenly pierced through the haze. "The hell you on the floor for?" Startled, you quickly wiped your tears away, pushing yourself up and putting on a cheerful smile, desperately trying to hide the pain that lingered in your eyes. It was Bakugou, emerging from the convenience store, his hands laden with bags of snacks. He had obviously noticed your distress, and his normally stern expression softened with concern.

His hands clenched, a fiery rage burning within him as he tilted your head up, his intense gaze searching your tear-stained face. "Who the fuck did this to you?" His voice was laced with a mixture of protectiveness and anger, ready to unleash his explosive temper on anyone who had caused you harm.

"N…No one!" you stammered, denying anything happened as you attempted to divert his attention. "What snacks did you get, Bakugou?"

His eyes narrowed, seeing through your feeble attempt to change the subject. "What the hell happened while I was away? Tell me." He scanned the surroundings, his gaze sharp as he searched for any suspicious figures lurking nearby. Like a little hunting dog, he paced in small circles, his senses on high alert, determined to find the culprits.

When his scrutiny yielded no results, he finally bent down, his voice gentle and coaxing. "Babe, are you worried about me getting into fights? If I promise not to kill anyone, will you tell me?" His words held a mix of tenderness and underlying frustration, a testament to his fierce protectiveness over you.

You sniffled, a mixture of sadness and gratitude swirling within you as you managed to conjure up an excuse. "Just… just some dirt got into my eyes."

"Dirt my ass," he interrupted harshly, his patience wearing thin. With a tender touch, he wiped away the remaining tears that clung to your cheeks, his thumb grazing your skin as if to erase the pain inflicted upon you. His gaze softened, his fiery demeanor giving way to a vulnerable concern that only you could elicit from him.

"I won't let anyone hurt you," he whispered, his voice like a gentle breeze cutting through the storm. "No matter who they are, they'll have to go through me first." His words were a vow, an unyielding promise to shield you from the cruelties of the world.

You stared up at him, your tear-stained face reflecting a mix of gratitude, relief, and overwhelming emotion. The surge of warmth that enveloped you caused your tears to flow uncontrollably once again, turning the scene into a comical sight. You bawled your eyes out while Bakugou stood awkwardly, his arm hovering uncertainly over your back, unsure of how to provide comfort in this situation.

"Ah? W..Why the fuck are ya cryin' more?!" he exclaimed, his voice laced with both confusion and concern. He struggled to coax you, his attempts resulting in a humorous exchange where you were a mess of tears and he was at a loss for how to console you. Despite his rough exterior, his genuine concern shone through, and it only made you cry harder.

When you realized his deep care and worry for you, a conflicting mix of emotions welled up within you. Though you wanted to confide in him and reveal the truth, you couldn't bear the thought of him hurting anyone on your behalf. So, you bent your head down even more, turning away from him, shielding him from the burden of your pain.

"It's just that you took too long…" you managed to mutter, your voice trembling with a blend of emotions.

Bakugou leaned his head down, trying to catch a glimpse of your face. He knew you well enough to discern when you were lying, and your lowered head only confirmed your unspoken truth.

"Don't look, I'm embarrassed," you softly murmured, your vulnerability evident in your words.

Bakugou obediently jumped up, his gaze averted, making sure to look anywhere but your face. He scratched the back of his head, his demeanor softened by the realization of your distress.

“Did ya really start cryin’ cause a that?”

As Bakugou looked into your teary eyes, a pang of hurt and self-doubt pierced his heart. The sight of your pain was a reflection of his own inadequacy, a reminder that he couldn't protect you from every harm that befell you. A mix of frustration and guilt welled up within him, threatening to consume his usually unyielding spirit.

His clenched fist tightened, his knuckles turning white as he struggled to contain the whirlwind of emotions raging within him. It wasn't just anger burning within his veins; it was a sense of betrayal, of his own limitations, and the realization that there were parts of you he couldn't reach, couldn't heal.

"I thought you trusted me," he whispered, his voice laden with a mix of anguish and disappointment. "I thought we were supposed to be in this together." His words trembled with vulnerability, baring his soul to you in a way he rarely allowed himself to do. It hurt him deeply to think that you felt the need to hide something so significant from him, to believe that he was incapable of handling the truth without resorting to violence.

A cascade of conflicting emotions crashed over him, threatening to drown him in a sea of self-loathing. He loved you fiercely, with every fiber of his being, and yet, in this moment, he felt inadequate, like he had failed as a partner, as someone you could confide in without fear.

"I'm not some mindless brute," he continued, his voice trembling with a mix of hurt and determination. "I can control myself. I can protect you without resorting to violence." His eyes searched yours, pleading for you to understand, to realize that he was capable of restraint, of channeling his explosive nature for good rather than destruction.

But the pain lingered, tugging at his heartstrings, reminding him of the fractures in your relationship, the cracks in the foundation of trust. The realization that you couldn't bring yourself to confide in him, that you felt the need to shield him from the truth, weighed heavily on him. It was a bitter pill to swallow, a sharp sting to his pride.

"I don't want you to think I'm a monster," he confessed, his voice barely above a whisper. "I want to be the person you can turn to, the one you trust with your deepest fears and secrets. But if you can't trust me enough to confide in me, then what does that say about us?"

Tears welled up in his own eyes, though he fought valiantly to keep them at bay. The realization that he had let you down, that he hadn't created an environment where you felt safe enough to share your burdens, weighed heavily on his shoulders. In that moment, he understood the importance of trust, the fragility of a relationship built on a foundation of secrets.

He loosened his grip on your hand, his palm now cradling your cheek with a tenderness that belied his explosive nature. "I love you," he whispered, his voice filled with a mix of apology and determination. "And I'll do whatever it takes to earn your trust. Just…please, don't shut me out. We're stronger together, and I can't bear the thought of losing you."

In that moment, Bakugou's heart felt both heavy and hopeful. He knew that rebuilding trust wouldn't be easy, that it would require patience and understanding on both your parts. But he was willing to put in the effort, to prove to you that he could be the partner you deserved.

As he gazed into your eyes, his own filled with a mixture of pain and unwavering love, he silently vowed to be the person you could confide in, the one who would always be there to protect you without resorting to violence. And as you looked back at him, your own tears reflecting a glimmer of hope, the two of you embarked on a journey of healing, determined to rebuild the trust that had been momentarily shattered.

A/N: Aw hell nah, get this reader outta here, Bakugou deserves better 凸(｀⌒´メ)凸

～𓆩ᥫ᭡𓆪

[hoes4hoseok]

enhypen as sour

...so i said i'd finish my work before posting another but i couldn't help it I PROMISE I'LL FINISH IT EVENTUALLY THOUGH. thanks for reading, y'all!

ni-ki as brutal

"they'd all be so disappointed, 'cause who am i if not exploited?"

some maknaes give me such unmistakable teenage angst energy (as i showed by choosing hueningkai for jealousy, jealousy)

&& ni-ki is not an exception imo!! he's also actually seventeen i kinda had to ✋

anyway yeah ni-ki's life is great in some ways but it also sucks in other ways, just like olivia depicts in the song

like yeah he's in a big k-pop group but also he's been through so much 🤧. this obviously does not mean that he's in any hurry to grow up, but y'all get my point (i hope)

sunghoon as 1 step forward, 3 steps back

"which lover will i get today? will you walk me to the door or send me home crying?"

sunghoon is not the type to stay with you if he doesn't like you

but in this case, he's conflicted. (ultimately, he does not like you enough to not toy with your feelings, but alas...)

&& yeah, he might regret it soon after acting cold, but that doesn't matter because he'll act nice but do it again & possibly repeat until the end of the relationship

oh god, heartbreaker sunghoon, y'all!! it's a concept!! that i live by!! (i'm not okay.)

sunoo as deja vu

"a different girl now, but there's nothing new, i know you get déjà vu"

sunoo would totally do the same activities with multiple partners 😭

he wouldn't think it's a big deal though?? he'd associate the things with good times, not people

it would suck but there's not much you can do about it

on the CONTRARY...he'd probably be pissed about you doing the same stuff with other people

especially if the break-up was on you

he'd complain to his friends about it & they'd be on his side in either situation (so would i, sorry y'all)

heeseung as enough for you

"don't you think i loved you too much to think i deserve nothing?"

this scenario is a real tragedy to imagine so i'm sorry about that 😭

just as with any relationship, if you were with heeseung, he would have to love you just as much as you do him.

&& if a relationship with him fell apart it would feel particularly bitter because there would be little warning signs along the way that you didn't think were a big deal

like the whole line about him not complimenting her makeup ✋🙄 (come on bro,, it's not that hard!!)

the real tragedy is that he didn't want more from you...he just didn't want you

anyways 🤠 like she said!! you'll find someone who does find you exciting :)

jake as happier

"i hope you're happy, but not like how you were with me"

it would be so hard to hate jake after a break-up 😭 especially if he was kind about it & took your feelings into account

even more so if it's been a while since the two of you called it quits & you should have moved on but you haven't

because tbh who would be able to?

&& seeing him with someone else would leave you conflicted because how could you possibly be upset with him? or his new partner?

so you'd kind of have to suck it up :( & hope he isn't as happy as he was with you :(

jay as favorite crime

"know that i loved you so bad, i let you treat me like that"

so this song is about partially blaming yourself after a heartbreak, because you "let" them treat you like that

getting dumped by this man would be so devastating

again, it would be slow -- even if you tried your hardest to hold on because you wanted him so badly, he would end up letting go in the end

it's such a horrible feeling. i don't wish it upon anyone.

anyways...before you know it 🚨 wee-ooo wee-ooo 🚨! ur heart is broken! 💔🚔 (sorry i just felt compelled to do that idk)

jungwon as hope ur ok

"somehow we fell out of touch, hope he took his bad deal and made a royal flush"

as i said in my txt post, this album only has 11 songs, so this one is also assigned to soobin

&& tbh i have a pretty similar reason for choosing it but i think jungwon would be the one thinking about his old friends & acquaintances (rather than his friends thinking of him, which i said for soobin)

he seems to have a really kind heart, & the reason he's the leader of enhypen is because he's so caring

oh wow 🤧 got myself in my feels about him thinking of his i-land buddies 🤧 i'm gonna go now

txt version �� emails i can't send version ☆ masterlist

[taccobelle]

WELCOME TO MY BOOK CLUB 📚

First rule about The Book Club? talk about The Book Club!

Here in TaccoBelle's book club 📚 is where I will keep a collection of all my favorite recent reads and their authors, in no particular order!

I can't always help in more impactful ways, like commissions, but I can definitely share the content!

if you'd like to join my book club give send an ask! let's make a community of these awesome reads!!

Disclaimer: due to some suspicious and disgusting events happening on this site involving a minor, I feel the obligation to reinforce that most, if not all, of these stories are 18+. They contain content that is NOT suitable for minors, so please do not interact! Mature themes will/may be discussed in these stories that is definitely not appropriate for minors. I do not claim to be the author of any of these works, merely a fan

TaccoBelle's Book Club

Simmer: Jim’s Midnight Grill -line cook! Eddie Munson x Shy Fem! Reader

Author: @upsidedownwithsteve

Summary: welcome to hawkins' number one diner! where the staff don't wanna be there and the linecook is a grumpy metal head who likes to argue with his boss and ignore everyone else. but the new waitress can't hack the rude customers and the regulars can be a little... much.

What to expect: “serving up indiana heatwaves, slow burns, walk in freezer breakdowns, late night talks, shared shakes and food as a love language. order extra spice for $4.

141K, a linecook!au with eddie munson and shy fem!reader.”

My thoughts: I absolutely found this fic by chance, and boy am I glad I did! The writing for this fic is absolutely amazing, the way I feel every single emotion the author wrote was crazy! Eddie is this story is such a little grump and the contrast of the shy teacher was so adorable, my favorite moments were when she was being defiant towards him and he didn’t know how to act because no one had ever stood up against him in his kitchen 🥹 totally recommend, this is a slow burn and I thrive in slow burns, can’t wait to read more from this author!

The Breakfast Club - Eddie Munson X Cheerleader!Reader

Author: @radioactiveparker

Summary: Five high school students from different walks of life endure a Saturday detention under a power-hungry principal. Each has a chance to tell his or her story, making the others see them a little differently. And when the day ends, they question whether school will ever be the same. (A retelling of The Breakfast Club, written and directed by John Hughes.)

What to expect: Enemies to lovers / All Characters Are 18+ / Strong Language / Sex References / Mentions of Abuse (physical and emotional) / Cheating / Bad Relationships / Dysfunctional Families / Arguing / Materialism / Kleptomania / Stereotyping / Sexual Orientations / Drug Use / Mentions of Alcohol / Smoking / Pyromania and Fire / References to Demonianism and Satanism / References to Religious Beliefs / Social Alienation / Angst / Hurt-Comfort / Use of Y/N (like once or twice) / Eddie is a complete asshole

“A/N: This mini series is set in its own little world, so it does not follow the Stranger Things timeline, and I have taken some creative liberties with most characters. Yes, they are all still in high school (final year and 18+), and yes, some of the events don't match up - just forget everything you knew about Stranger Things, it's easier that way haha.”

My thoughts: I am in absolute love with this series and can’t wait for updates ! I am so obsessed with the Breaksfast Club narrative, the enemies to lovers, the popular girl x school freak. It’s so enticing and I am a sucker for it! But what the author does that I am loving is that they set themselves apart from the original movie, js the interaction of the reader with other characters, I won’t spoil it, but it’s a little heartbreaking 💔 from the little that I have read from the 3 chapters so far, it is great!

Not Very Noble

Author: @allthingsjoeq

Summary: Your kingdom is placed under threat of liquidation, the villagers crying out for help as each day they enter greater poverty. As their princess you have been chosen to amend the broken monarchy, creating a truce between the neighbouring royals, and fulfilling a marriage decided by the King. A low-ranking knight and Princess both from reverse backgrounds thrusted together against choice, they descend into a journey of Hate, Lust and Love all while caught in between a circle of lies.  

What to expect: Knight Eddie x Princess Reader Disclaimer: Enemies to Lovers, Angst, eventual fluff, light smut to come. Royal and medieval references but they may not all be 100% accurate.

My thoughts: I have a huge fascination with Medieval things, and think there isn’t nearly enough Eddie Munson Medieval themed AU’s and I think that’s a problem! This in particular is so well written, so beautifully put, it made me weep, and cry like a big baby from reading this, and it’s not even complete yet!!!!!! Y’all KNOW how much I buss down for an Enemies to Lovers trope 😩 I really hope they update this soon because I am patiently waiting 🥹

Not Wholly Evil

Author: @uglypastels

Summary: as the daughter of the Governor, there is quite a heavy prize set on your safe return home, and the captain will not let anything come between him and his bounty.

What to expect: "semi dark fic" - READ the warnings:. (gun/sword)violence. blood. minor character death. allusions to suicide. kidnapping. imprisonment. alcohol. open and deep sea. pirates are pigs: frequent mentions of non-con and allusions to assault, but it does not actually occur. malnourishment. abuse. manhandling.

My thoughts: I LOVE me some pirate au, I think it is so incredibly fitting for Eddie to be set in this role. It is still on-going so it only has 2 chapters, but that was enough to make me sign up for the tag list!! It’s is beautifully written, the descriptions are so good it makes me feel like I am IN the Hellfire ship. Super excited to see where this is take me, and I hope they update it soon because it’s my new obsession!

Turtle dove and the crow

Author: @blue-mossbird

Summary: You’ve known Edward Munson since he moved into the farm next door with his uncle - eight years old, odd, and utterly intriguing to you. For ten years, you’ve known him, and over that time, he’s become your best friend. But now, in the dreamy haze of August heat, you begin to know him in a different way. And in this process of knowing and becoming known, lives will be irrevocably changed.

What to expect: 1940s Farm AU, featuring bsf!neighbor!eddie x fem!reader18+ (minors dni). smut; true love; unexpected pregnancy; angst, angst, angst; parental issues; corporal punishment; scheming, plotting, and betrayal; hurt/comfort; period-typical stigma regarding unwed pregnancy; angst with a happy ending. oral (f!receiving), p in v, unprotected sex, breeding kink.

My thoughts: holy shit my dudes, I think I found my new hyper fixation, to add to the list of stories I will check daily for updates! This is only the first episode and it already has me in a death grip 🫥 I am in love with 1940’s due to Bucky Barnes, and mixing Eddie in with that aesthetic threw me for a loop!! This is not the fic for you if you want cannon content, it is clearly set in another world, a different decade, and seems to me like it’s Eddie’s personality adapted for a 1940’s farm boy view, and I think I’m in love. Plus my fantasy of being a southern Belle (that’s my name if you didn’t know) is in an all time high with this. I can already picture all of the angst and all the crying in my bed at 2am this story will bring me, and I’m so excited 🤩

June Baby

Author: @luveline

Summary: you’re a single mom living three trailers down. eddie thinks you’re the prettiest girl he’s ever seen. queue smiley face oatmeal, grossly misused power tools, desserts on the living room floor, a haircut, and an abundance of nerd metaphors

What to expect: teen mom!reader, fem!reader, r is Junie’s birth mother, fluff, hurt/comfort, Eddie ends up being a total girl dad (<3), mutual pining, yearning, etc, tw for not having much money, general loneliness, mentions of a shitty/traumatic pregnancy, general mom struggles :(, slow-burn friends to lovers, you wash Eddie’s hair!!!! this was low-key requested by anon

My thoughts: Honest to god, this is one o the best writing I have ever read on this app. The way Jade uses her words to describe the scenes, ughhhhhhh I can't explain, but Jade writes like a scene of a movie. It does not feel like the supporting characters don't feel like they seize to exist as soon as the main characters move on to a different scene. I love how the supporting characters are all incredibly detailed, feel like real people, and have real people reactions to things; weird, I know, haha. I love how much I adore this story so much. it does not feel like a simple fic, like I would invest in a start-up for this to be published into an actual book. It is so good, so sweet. I absolutely adore this story. It makes my heart do three summersaults per second every time Jade posts a new chapter, the characters have my fucking heart 🥺

Meet The Munsons

Author: @mypoisonedvine

Summary: you were barely acquaintances in high school, but his reputation as a delinquent and freak didn't exactly endear you to him. now he's moving in. at the risk of being too literal: oh, brother.

What to expect: kind of incest, but not really? male masturbation, swearing, mentions/implications of a deceased parent, reader is a tad judgmental but that's what character development is for!

My thoughts: I have read and re-read this story about three times. If I'm not mistaken, this is the only complete one on this list. I LOVE IT SO MUCH!! it made me so giddy. a grown woman giggling and kicking my feet like a little girl. I love the evolution of the characters and the way, slowly but surely, their feelings start to slip out, and by the end, you are totally like, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JUST HOLD HANDS, I BEG OF YOU. Not gonna lie, the "kind of incest" threw me off at first, but then you find out that they aren't actually related in no way possible; the reader's mom marries Uncle Wayne, and they are not raised together, so their not that weird situation of raised like siblings, which would make it really weird when they make out pretty heavily. Can't believe I'm defending incest.

The "Yes" Policy

Author: @pinkrelish

Summary: After a lifetime of questionable decisions, you moved from the big city to the sleepy town of Hawkins with your best friend and took the first job you saw: answering phones for the most boring auto shop in the dullest place on Earth. It wasn't exactly the adventure you wanted it to be.. but attempting to win over the jaded mechanic who insisted on ignoring your existence proved entertaining.

What to expect: slow burn, eventual smut, strangers to lovers, flirting, mutual pining, angst, drug/alcohol mention/use, depictions of poverty, sort of grumpy x sunshine, but Eddie's just tired, reader and Eddie are mid-late 20's

My thoughts: This fic singlehandedly made me fall in love with the sunshine x grumpy trope, the thought of Eddie being a girl dad makes my heart double in size. Him being a single dad, Wayne being grandpapi is too cute! them doing their best to provide the best for their little princess, and the relationship between Miss Mouse and Adrie has my heart.

To Have and To Scold

Author: @icallhimjoey

Summary: Your best friends are getting married, and who else can they ask to be their best man and maid of honour but you and Joe? It's just that... you don't really get along all that well, do you? At least, that's what you think.

What to expect: CW / disclaimer: sort of enemies to sort of lovers (very vague, im sorry, but you'll see), language, drinking, rpf, fem!reader

My thoughts: I don’t usually like reading real person fics, like when the character is actually a real life person, I much prefer a fictional character because otherwise sometimes I get weirded out. That being said, I decided to give this fic a try, and I must say that I was pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoyed the story. I picked it up and couldn’t put the phone down till I finished! The characters are engaging, and story is so sweet 🫶🏼

Bad Idea

Author: @lunarzstarz

Summary: Not wanting to leave for college with your virginity still intact, you turn to your last resort that you know can only end terribly…

What to expect: NSFW 18+ minors dni, drugs, first Times, oral (F receiving), fingering, protected sex, nicknames (Princess/Sweetheart), Eddie being a goof but also an asshole (Slightly proofread) Fuckboy!EddieMunson x Virgin!Fem!Reader

My thoughts: smut, plain smut. And I love it. Eddie is kind of a dickhead, not gonna lie, but then he starts to show signs of falling for the reader, regular shmegular lowkey toxic trope, but I love it!!!!

Crayons and Cassettes

Author: @comfort-writing

Summary: You are a kindergarten teacher. Eddie’s daughter, Sage, is in your class. She bonds with you instantly, and Eddie is trying not to do the same.

What to expect: his fic will be 18+ in later chapters, so minors DNI! In this chapter, it is mentioned that rumors about Eddie still linger. no use of y/n. I can think of nothing else for this chapter because it’s just an introductory one, but please let me know if I missed anything!

My thoughts: I have not finished this fic yet, but s far it is amazing!! Eddie is so nervous and so sweet, but still nerdy, and charming.

Honey I'm Home

Author: @trashmouth-richie

Summary: you were desperate for a roommate after Nancy got married and moved out. An ad in the paper goes unanswered until someone comes knocking on the door.

What to expect: enemies to lovers trope, eventual smut, language, crude behavior, Eddie is a fucking menace.

My thoughts: I honestly fell in love with this story, it is so mysterious, and so touching, funny, endearing, and most of all, a big tease. I fell in love with these characters, and their personalities, how they are together, and how the interact with one another. The idea of an older protective Eddie, that is conflicted with the thoughts of seeing Tooty as a little girl, but now she is a grown woman is mesmerizing to read, and Richie does an amazing job at writing it all so well.

Disjointed

Author: @boomhauer

Summary: Nurse!Reader is reunited with her high school crush in the emergency room. Faced with a lifetime worth of debt, she helps Eddie in the only way she can.

What to expect: Fake marriage. Friends to lovers. Medical trauma. Lemon/Smut. Angst. Slow burn. No Vecna!!

My thoughts: This a new type of fic for me, I had never read anything in the nursing realm, an amazing first! I appreciate the reality of it all, from what I understand the author has personally experienced some of these scenarios, and im guessing has been/is a nurse practitioner, so makes for an extremely believable, and amusing plot!!

Twenty Four Hours

Author: @ghost-proofbaby

What to expect: modern!Eddie Munson x fem!reader, uses female pronouns on occasion. strong language, eventual smut, upside down does not exist, minors dni

Summary: in which Eddie Munson and you absolutely hate each other's guts. what happens when your friends make a bet that you can't spend more than twenty-four hours consecutively together? modern!college!eddie x college!fem!reader

My Thoughts: I love Enemies to Lovers trope!! This fic is full of stunning writing, amazing visual descriptions of feelings, and hot-ass characters! this made me cry on multiple occasions, in a good way! Though I am a crybaby. Eddie is such a sweetheart in this, and mean in some chapters, but it's all for the feels!!

Smoke Signals

Author: @eddies-house

What to expect: Grumpy!Eddie Munson x shy!reader, uses female pronouns on occasion, strong language, eventual smut, PTSD, trauma, talks about trauma, mentions of death, mentions of bullying, minors dni, set in a town other than Hawkings

Summary: Relocating to the small town of Knife’s Edge in hopes of leaving your old life behind and starting brand new solves all of your problems, right? Wrong. It only creates more and one of them may live right next door. Side effects may include blaring music at 3AM, a scowling neighbor, and one too many shots of tequila on several occasions. (That The Bourbon will not be comping.)

My Thoughts: I love Enemies to Lovers trope! That much isn't any news to you guys! This fic is so lovely written, I love how real the characters feel, and how immersed I was in reading this, I am so related to the character because I too am a crybaby. Eddie is such a sweetheart in this, I just want Bambi to hug and kiss him 🥹, and mean in some chapters, but it isn't in a toxic sort of way.

Begin Again

Author: @abibliophobiaa

What to expect: Eddie’s post-S4 trauma; panic attacks; nightmares; family member loss; grief; alcohol use; mild smut in later chapters, so 18+; additional warnings to be added. Eddie Munson x afab!reader, sunshine!reader x grumpy!eddie vibes

Summary: The year is 1988. After the loss of a beloved family member, you find yourself inheriting an old coffee shop. The quiet bartender at the Hideout across the street just so happens to catch your eye.

My Thoughts: you know that I love sunshine!reader x grumpy!eddie vibes! This fic is so nicely written, It has long chapters which I fiend for, I absolutely adore it when a fic has 20K words in one chapter, it only has 4 of them because it takes place as a chapter for each season, which is generous btw, wish I'd thought of this!

Beast of Burden

Author: @neonghostlights

What to expect: Fuckboy!Werewolf!Eddie Munson x Fem!Reader Eddie gets called a man-whore (not by reader), mates, cussing, mention of almost hitting an animal with your car (doesn't happen but almost does), parental and grandparent death (readers whole family is dead) 18+ only, minors dni

Summary: (doesn't really have a summary, but this post the author made pretty much sums up) "I’m thinking about fuckboy!werewolf Eddie. Let’s say he’s gotten around with every girl in Hawkins because he never thought he’d have a mate. That was until you, a human, showed up and proved him wrong. Now he has to find a way to prove himself to you."

My Thoughts: yeah! fucking sue me, I like werewolf fanfictions! I can't really blame it all on Twilight, except I absolutely will blame it all on Twilight. But I swear this is really cute, and I live for it!

[the-jam-to-the-unicorn]

Jam!I just listened the part of Economist podcast with Olena(the full version will be on a weekend)

https://open.spotify.com/episode/4g1FARQMh8aY3qMGpBxdJm?si=qrGPZVRARs-L6_p2maaCWw

Here is the link if you need!

The interviewer asked her about the future she sees for herself and her family after the war. It was so bittersweet💔 She said «Our family will be reunited. We will live together with my husband and my children. …. We will go somewhere. Four of us. Anywhere. It will be a long vacation. For a month»😭😭💔💔💔God is so sad. I still can’t comprehend how hard it must be for all of them to be separated all the time.

Olena also said that after vacation they will think about what to do next. She said something new and creative. I assume she talks about what kind of job or occupation they want to work in.

Also, she doesn’t want him to run for a second term. She said it would be impossible(?)

I wonder what will happen if Ze decides to run for president after the war.(As far as i understand there won’t be any elections in war time) I think it can create a big problem between them and maybe even divorce? i understand Olena just wanting peace after all that happened. But i also doubt that Ze will go against his family and go for second term. And i think he is understandably tired from his presidency to continue🫠

I hope they can overcome this together💔😭

Also, on more positive note Olena said that Sasha got a boyfriend!!😃She also said that it’s stressful for Ze to cope with the fact that his little girl is not little anymore🥹

Sorry for the long message Jam🫣Just wanted to share my thoughts to someone!!

Hey, thank you for the link!!! (and the summary! 😁)

I also had listened to it but I'm sure everyone else will also be happy about the link. 😉 (you can listen to it without a spotify account)

In general, Olena said some bittersweet things on different occassions recently. Like in the interview with the Asian media. As cute as she was (and to a surprising degree relaxed and even being goofy here and there), some of her answers just hit really deep.

So yeah, even more heartbreak to hear her now and to hear these answers. 💔💔💔

I think, we can't even imagine to 100% how much they all suffer from that separation. They obviously have a very, very, very close family bond, filled with lots of love. Adding to that, we know that Vova suffers massively when he's away from Olena (as he said in the past). And this is something entirely different from what they were used to when Vova was away for work and both of them traveled as First Couple or something like that.

And despite them being able to see each other - it's not the same. Also because they are no longer the same.

It was sweet but at the same time so sad when Olena said in the Asian media interview that she tries to let Vova feel the family warmth and give him that, whenever they see each other. And that she tries to talk about family with him as much as possible to distract him and that, for once, they don't talk about these horrible things that are happening around them. (like right now they discussed what to get the kids for St. Nicholas and how they spent the holidays this year and that the prestens are not ready yet)

God alone knows, how much they long for that family and normality.

I would also say, she was talking about their jobs. I mean, they have to do something. Both of them are people who need something to do and can't just sit around.

And they are both creative people. (even though, right now, I have a hard time imagining both of them returning to their old jobs) I mean, there was a time when they both ditched their safe jobs for being creative and making a living with that.

Yeah, I also didn't quite get the impossible part. Maybe it makes more sense with the full interview (maybe the impossible was about him going for two more terms since Vova can only run one more time).

If he decides to run again, it will probably be a very big and difficult decision. He already decided agains this family's wishes the first time (Olena and Sasha were against it, especially Olena). But Olena, because she loves him so much, found her way of dealing with it and supporting him. But if he does that again - it would be something entirely different. I doubt that Olena would forgive him that easily this time, if he decided something like that against her wishes or without letting her know this time.

It's probaby a really torn situation. I can Ze wanting to continue, to rebuild Ukraine, to still help the country and secure many important laws and international relationships and memberships. Also to somehow find a peaceful and good end. But I can also see him going after the war because he no longer wants to do it and everything that happened. The decision about his second term will not be an easy one.

(about the elections: yes, martial law forbids elections)

I'm sure they overcome this together. They are strong as a couple and have a really special and deep connection. Their love is something unique and I would say they both know that they have something in the other one they would never find again. The are perfect for each other and belong together. I think, that's something Olena always also says in the subtext of when she talks about their relationship - they endure all of that, stay together, are strong together, because they have each other.

Hahaha, yes, the boyfriend part was so cute and funny! The way she said "stressful" made me laugh so much. 😂 Ah yes, not an easy time for Papa Ze. 😁 And probably also not for her. 😁

But good for Sasha for finding a guy and having her first serious boyfriend and being in love! ☺️

[toasted27]

If I could I would study dreams or something along those lines.

I have conflicting feelings when it comes to my dreams.Of course I'm not talking about my sometimes very vivid nightmares; hate those 🚮🚮 I'm talking about the my love dreams, for luck of a better term. I think I equally love and hate them.

The main plot to these dreams is always the same; me being deeply and madly in love with someone 💀 thankfully it's always reciprocated. The content and the person I'm in love with differs but the love is ALWAYS the same, so intense that I feel it in my sleeping bones. I'd wake up and the feeling of lose is so intense it forces me to go back to sleep and somehow go back to that same dream or at the very least unconsciously replay the moments over and over again. Eventually I wake up hours later and for the next day or so, the back of my mind is preoccupied by moments from said love dream😩

I'm a lover girl through and through so experiencing that kind of love satisfies my entire being. But as much as I love experiencing the form of love I don't think exists in the real world, I hate it with the same passion 😒

I hate waking up knowing it was ALL just a dream. I hate the next 24 hours I spend with conflicting emotions because my heart can't differentiate between real and fake. I hate the real heartbreak 💔 I experience afterwards. I hate that I'm reminded I have a lot love in me but I may never get to express it in this life time🥲 I hate everything about the so called love dreams.

My most recent one, was yesterday and for the past 15ish hours I've been think about the same moment over and over again😒 It was just a hug and some lovey dovey words but the feelings that went into that 5 second hug was so much more intense, I can't really explain it. I feel like an abandoned love sick puppy, I don't like it.

Anyway, at the end of the day I don't think I'd get rid of these love dreams, even though they single handedly fuck up my sleep schedule EVERY SINGLE TIME🙄🙄

PS: if you got this far, please explain what's going on. All theories are welcomed.

[flwrstqr]

🛑pleas don't scroll ‼️Hi, I hope you are well. My name is Mohammed Atallah, I live with my parents, six sisters, a little girl named Malak and a little boy named Ameer in North Gaza. I created this link to fund a bone graft in my left hand which was shot by an explosive bullet, to rebuild our destroyed home and to evacuate my family from Gaza to a safe place.And donate any amount to safe life .. I will appreciate your help❤️ Can you please help as much as you can . Press all buttons on my wall , I beg you to visit my page, view it, and donate via the link in the bio💔Donate and share widely 🆘🆘 Every euros will make a difference 🙏I urge you to donate. Even the smallest amount can make the biggest difference. Not only he needs to evacuate with his family, but he is in dire need for surgery! The IDF has shot his arm with an explosive bullet. Not a regular one. AN EXPLOSIVE ONE. So he needs to get it treated right away! Otherwise, he will get an infection and it may lead to amputation. WE DO NOT WANT THAT TO HAPPEN, DO WE DO?So contribute! Make sure to reblog and share his story if you are unable to do so.Help my family. War is devastating. There is nothing left to live. No schools, no universities, no home, and no dreams. All dreams have been shattered. I hope for help before it is too late Please share on Twitter and tumbler and Instagram The campaign has been documented @90-ghost

hi mohammed, i’m very sorry to hear about your situation. it’s heartbreaking to read about the challenges you and your family are facing in gaza. i can't imagine the pain and difficulties you're going through. i hope that many others will do the same and that you will get the support you need for your medical treatment and to help your family find safety. stay strong, and know that there are people out here who care and want to help.

MOHAMMED'S STORY

MOHAMMED'S GOFUNDME

[zepskies]

@lamentationsofalonelypotato Ooh yay!! I'm still loving this story, and after the last chapter, I've been very eager to see what happens next!

The aftermath of her trying to piece together her memories of her parents' death and her brother's betrayal is so heartbreaking. 😥 Like she's realizing that the narrative of her life was a lie, in a way. Hopefully she'll be able to reclaim the part of her past that was good and true with her parents, vs. the love and care she still has in her life through the people around her.

For some reason that particular image seemed to cling on to you and refused to fade. You'd never seen him look that way, almost… helpless and a little fearful. In all the time you'd known him, Ben had never looked at you that way. Sure you'd seen him proud, angry, cocky, lustful, mischievous, but never fearful. And you were sure that it wasn't an emotion that he was used to feeling, but that begged the question… why? Why was he looking at me like that? Why wouldn't he let me go? And what was he afraid of?

Lol GIRL. You KNOW WHY. You're just refusing to see it! But I could really see this moment in my head like a movie -- that look on Ben's face, watching her walk away. 💔

That little creature she created is interesting though. You really get a sense that she tapped into something in her powers that was before yet unexplored -- like she broke through a barrier without realizing and unlocked new depths within herself.

You wanted to feel his awkward shoulder pat and his awkward version of hand holding and you wanted to hear him try to tell you to "buck up" or whatever he thought that a comforting word should be. He's really not the best at that.

Loll he's really not. But the thing about Ben is, when he does make those gestures, you know it's coming from a place of sincerity because he doesn't soften himself easily.

"Shh. It's alright honey." She whispers, rubbing her hand over your back, her embrace steady and surprisingly strong. "Let's go home."

Aww I love her grandmother so much! At least someone in her family is in her corner. 😭

There was something or rather someone that should be here, but you didn't know what or who. And your mind supplied Annie, but you weren't sure that's who you meant.

I think we ALL know who you meant. 😂

I also love how you describe the "creative chaos" of her grandmother's house. The imagery in those paragraphs are so descriptive and lovely to imagine. I love especially: "boxes upon boxes of cookies in different stages of being packaged all over the counter." It's so grandmotherly and yet feels unique at the same time.

"Too late of course, but I'm a little rusty. I was able to warn Ben that Darren was coming back. That's how he got there so quickly or rather-" She shrugs sheepishly. "He got there in time to make sure that Darren didn't get you to forgive him. Which you shouldn't have at all, but I know he's always had a talent for manipulating you."

OOOOOH, MY GOD!! GRANDMA'S A SUPE TOO!! 😱😱 And it explains why Ben got there in the nick of time! And she already knew Darren was scum!!

Discovering more about her past as Soothsayer, as well as her friendship with Ben was so very interesting! I didn't see it coming and that's the best thing of all, but now it's a way her grandmother can relate to her even more -- as well as be in an even better position to give her advice when it comes to that man.

Tears crest and fall down your cheeks as you sit there, throat thickening. "I don't want to hurt Ben."

Heart...breaking... 😢 She's such a sweetheart. How can she not realize how much she cares about him (loves him)?

"He doesn't love me and Ben isn't afraid of anything." "He is. It might not look the same way on him as it does on everyone else, but if you pay close enough attention you can catch it." She hesitates. "And I think if you pay attention to you, you'll see what it is that you're afraid of too."

GRANDMA YESSSS, TELL HER!!! GET IT THROUGH HER HEAD! lolll

Ben isn't incapable of fear (or love), no matter how much he'd like to pretend. The way it comes out of him might "look different," through snappish anger and denial and rigidity, but it's still fear.

But the feet keep moving past the apartment and Ben sinks into the couch cushions. Even Bean seems to be disappointed. "It's alright buddy." Ben mutters. "She'll come back." But he wasn't sure.

Awww Benjamin, you're breaking my heart! 😭 But the fact that he went back to save Jake honestly speaks volumes! (Even if I did cackle my ass off at "What a fucking pussy.")

Ben didn't understand why he hated watching you cry.

Come on now, Ben. You're over 100 years old! Surely you get what's happening to you by now! 🤣🤣 You're simping for a girl you care about!

He wasn't sure if you'd noticed it yet, but you looked different too. There weren't as many lines on your face and your hair was more springy, the few silver hairs that Ben had noticed in passing were no longer there.

Oooh the plants are keeping her young, huh? 😏 Maybe enough to sync up her lifespan with Ben's???

"Di?" "Yes it's me. Who did you think it was? Santa Clause?" Your grandmother snarks. "Why are you calling me and why the fuck are you so mad? What did I do?" Ben answers slightly annoyed.

LMFAOO. Again, I love her. Kick his ass, Di! Get him in gear! "Try harder" -- INDEED.

"How is it that it's been forty fucking years and you're still able to dance on the grave of my last nerve?"

I'm deeeeeadd! I loved this line so much. 🤣🤣🤣 Benjamin is testing my patience too, good Lord. I can see why he's scared. He's on the verge of admitting he loves her -- and finally doing something about it. After his experience with Countess, that'll put anyone off of trying again to delve into a proper relationship (not to say their relationship was a proper example of a loving one, because it wasn't, obviously). Especially for someone like Ben, who struggles with real intimacy and dealing with his feelings, it makes sense that he'd digging his heels in now -- no matter how frustrating it is. 🙃🙃

But omg the cliffhanger though! Who just called him? My gut feeling is Stan Edgar, but I could be wrong lol. Can't wait to see how you close out this series! 💕

Chapter 14: Don't Be A Bundt Cake

Pairing: Soldier Boy x f!reader, Reader POV, Soldier Boy POV

Summary:  When you decided to work with Butcher and his merry band of supe hunters to take down Homelander, you never expected to be saddled with a sullen, grumpy, jerk like Soldier Boy when the job was done. The more you're around him the more you hate him, but you can't help but wonder, is he really as big a jerk as you think? Reader is a supe with plant powers. This takes place in an AU about a month after the end of The Boys Season 3, in which Butcher has let Soldier Boy continue to work with him on his team.  (I'm real bad at summaries, please forgive me!)

Tropes: Enemies to Lovers (Not in this chapter), Slow Burn, Age Difference (Reader is in her 20s), Soft Ben/ Soldier Boy, Protective Ben/Soldier Boy, Miscommunication Trope

Word Count: 13.1K

Warnings: I'm going to label this 18+ because Soldier Boy (he's a warning and everyone knows it), Swearing, Mentions of Sex, Sexual Innuendo, Talks of Death, DENIAL, Idiots in Love, Pining by the Reader (and SB, but he won't admit it) Depressing Thoughts, Mentions of sexual assault/rape (not detailed at all, really just in passing) Talks about weed, Sexist comments, Ben makes derogatory comments, Threatening Ben/Soldier Boy might be a little bit OOC.

Note: This is told from Reader's perspective. Any references to the reader is made using you or your. There is minimal use of y/n. I tried my best to proofread, but nobody's perfect. If you don’t like, don’t read, but if you do like, you’re my favorite!

Internal monologue is in italics and is in first person.

Series Masterlist

Main Masterlist

A/N: I am so sorry this one took me a bit longer. The writers block was fighting me the whole way, but we are very closely nearing the end of this series and the moment the reader and Ben stop being so stinkin' stubborn.

Reader POV

You lean your forehead against the cool window, watching the world flash by in a flurry of color. The wooded forests had vanished hours ago and all that was left were the yellowed sprawling fields of corn and grain and family farms that were laid sporadically along the interstate. Each one a little world that caught the flecks of golden sunlight as the sun began to peak above the horizon.

The bus rolled smooth and steady over the weathered pavement towards it's destination and was filled with an odd assortment of people young and old. There was man with a brightly colored parrot that had been singing "It's A Small World After All" since you left NYC, a woman with a little boy playing with an iPad and who refused to turn down the volume no matter how many times his mother asked him to, a group of teenagers a few seats up that continued to pass around a flask, and due to how far back you were sitting on the bus an uncomfortable smell emanated from the bathroom each time the door was opened.

But you didn't notice any of it.

The only thing on your mind were the events that happened almost twenty hours ago. They continued to circle your mind, playing over and over again like a perverted cassette tape making you sink further into the worn cloth covered seat at the back of the bus. The images were haunting, some new and some old, but all the more still horrible to re-live.

The song "Nights In White Satin" floating into the backseat of your family's car, the flash of unnatural light you knew was never lightning, the caskets at your parent's funeral covered in flowers that were much to pretty to lay on something so morbid, Elijah's body succumbing to the poppies that ripped him apart, the proud sneer on your brother's face when he admitted to killing your parents, Darren's broken and bloodied body strewn in pieces over the street with the creature standing over him with a dripping red maw, the ruined building that housed "Please Don't Die" reduced to nothing more than rubble, and the look on Ben's face when you turned your back on him and fled the scene.

For some reason that particular image seemed to cling on to you and refused to fade. You'd never seen him look that way, almost… helpless and a little fearful. In all the time you'd known him, Ben had never looked at you that way. Sure you'd seen him proud, angry, cocky, lustful, mischievous, but never fearful. And you were sure that it wasn't an emotion that he was used to feeling, but that begged the question… why?

Why was he looking at me like that? Why wouldn't he let me go? And what was he afraid of?

The creature curled in your lap snorts something in it's sleep, turning it’s head further into the cradle of your elbow to shut out the brilliant early morning sunlight. It was now the size of a toaster and had warranted several odd looks whenever you got off to change buses, but you didn't care.

You weren't sure about anything anymore. Everything your brother confessed to you made you feel like you were living a lie and the revelation of exactly what your powers could do- take life from plants to heal yourself, create whatever the hell it was on your lap, and speak to plants… it scared you.

You thought for so long that you knew everything about your powers, that you were in control, but now you weren't sure.

You felt different, as if something had unlocked deep down that you couldn't shut up again.

You'd felt different after you killed Elijah, but this was more alive, weaving and twisting in the pit of your stomach. You felt more connected to the earth, to the world outside the bus even though you were divided by glass and metal. You could feel the energy that thrummed through the body of the creature on your lap, bending to your will, the life force of the plants it was formed from molding with you, becoming a part of you.

You felt so different than the person you had been before Darren entered the shop, so uncertain, and there was only one place you wanted to be when you felt like this… home. You couldn't wait to run up the worn front steps of your grandmother's house and into her arms. She always knew what to say in times like this.

And you desperately needed the comfort of her embrace.

The phone in your pocket buzzes again and you flip the screen to see the ridiculous selfie Annie and you had taken on Halloween last year. The one that you'd both spent dressed up as the two brothers from your favorite paranormal tv show. It wasn't the first time she'd called. Annie had called and texted you more times than you could count over the past twenty hours but you didn't answer her. You didn’t want to.

It was the first time that you didn't want to talk to her, but talking to her meant that you'd have to re-live all of it again and you were clawing at the last shred of sanity you had left to keep it together.

The overwhelming waves of emotion kept pummeling you, dragging you deeper beneath the white surf. Each one brought the memories of what happened surging over you and were followed by everything that Darren said to you. Years of taking care of Darren and doing whatever he wished were tearing at your soul, years of giving up little things in your life to make him happy, and years of taking care of a man who you thought cared about you, but hated you enough to kill your parents and try to kill you too.

It made your skin crawl. Each time your brother told you that he loved you was an even bigger lie and now that you knew the truth and saw him for what he was, it felt like you were drowning. The darkness that ebbed just on the edge was begging you to leap into the abyss, but you were resisting the best you could.

The tears had stopped falling miles ago, but you couldn't stop the memories or the emotion that formed a cold ball in the pit of your stomach.

A sigh works it's way up and you pull your legs on the seat underneath you, jostling the creature on your lap that raises it's head for a moment to blink it's black eyes at you sleepily.

It was surprisingly docile right now, especially considering that twenty hours ago it had ripped your brother to shreds. In fact it seemed to understand how upset you were and had spent the better part of the last twenty hours rubbing it's head against your arm as if trying to bring you some comfort. It was settled on your lap, the weight of it a comfort, almost like a weighted plushy that gave you something to focus on.

"It's alright buddy." You whisper, scratching him under his chin. "We're almost home."

The phone in your jacket pocket buzzes again, but when you pull it out to turn it off, you catch a glimpse of the screen, and you hesitate. Because this time it's not Annie who's calling, it’s Ben.

The picture that flashes on the screen under the contact name "Gramps" is the picture of Mr. Fredrickson from Up. It always made you smile whenever he called you and you saw the picture because Ben did often remind you of him. He was certainly just as grumpy as Mr. Fredrickson and just as out of touch, but you thought it was cute.

Your thumb hovers over the answer button and you think about talking to him.

But what would I say?

You weren't sure what to say to him, or why you wanted to speak to him so badly, why you wanted him to be sitting here on the bus with you as you went home, and why you wanted him to hold you against his chest while you allowed yourself to break, but you did. You wanted to feel his awkward shoulder pat and his awkward version of hand holding and you wanted to hear him try to tell you to "buck up" or whatever he thought that a comforting word should be.

He's really not the best at that.

You smile to yourself at the memory of how he tried to comfort you back at the hospital, but the longer you sit there and look down at the picture on the screen the worse you feel.

Maybe that scared you more than your newfound powers, how much you were realizing that you needed him, how much you depended on him when things got too much for you to bear. The memory of him appearing as soon as you needed him back at the shop, another of him grabbing Darren and throwing him into the street as soon as Darren insulted you comes in a flash, and finally followed by the memory of Ben carrying you out of Elijah's office while you curled into his chest. You couldn't remember too much from that moment, in fact you'd thought that Ben had kissed you on top of your head, but you ascribed that to the haze of pain you'd been in from your broken arm.

What you did remember was how wonderfully warm he was after you'd been trapped in that damn freezer and how nice it felt to be in his arms. Another memory of Ben sleeping on the couch at the hospital bubbles up and you feel something in your chest begin to crack open. And you try your best to tell yourself the same thing that you always do when you feel like Ben might care more about you that he was letting on.

Ben doesn't want that. He's made it perfectly clear. He doesn't want a relationship. He's only wants one night, that's why he goes out with all those women-

You hesitate, thumb still hovering over the answer button as you do, the memory of the week you'd spent at the apartment with him flickering in the back of your mind. The week where he refused to leave you alone in the apartment, where he refused to do any jobs for Butcher, where he took care of you the best way he could, when he sat with you on the couch and made you laugh with his ridiculous movies, and the week where he hadn't had one date.

Your finger itched to answer the phone, but you couldn't, because you didn't want to feel this way about Ben, not when he'd told you countless times that you kept romanticizing him, not when he told you that he didn't want a relationship, and not when you could feel yourself beginning to fall for someone you thought was the wrong man.

For just a moment you tried to pretend that it was different, that he was different, but you didn't want to. It only made it hurt more.

The phone stops ringing, but the pit in your stomach still gapes open at you and for the first time in twenty hours you feel tears begin to fall. You didn't know why you were crying about this, why the thought of not picking up Ben's phone call seemed to hurt more than everything that had happened, but something made it hurt.

The bus driver announces over the overhead that you're reaching your final destination as he takes the exit for your hometown. The familiar buildings that line the streets are sheathed in a honeyed glow from the sun, the long shadow of the bus darkening them momentarily as it rumbles down the small streets to the bus station.

When it rumbles to a stop at the bus station you wait for everyone else to get off, trying to summon the strength to stand, and swipe the back of your hand across your face to rid yourself of the remaining tears.

The bus station was about a thirty minute walk from your grandmother's house, and you still hadn't called her. You didn't know what to say, didn't know how to tell her that Darren was dead and that he was the reason why your parents were dead.

The creature crawls up your body to drape it's warm body over the back of your neck as you stand. It wasn't bothering to hide, besides the people in your hometown already thought that you were odd because you were a supe and you'd always welcomed it. You give him a scratch on top of his head and his warm tongue flicks on the bottom of your earlobe as if thanking you before it curls further into the side of your neck, seeking warmth.

The first few steps on solid ground are shaky, but you find the strength while taking in a deep cleansing breath of the outside world, letting the gentle warmth of the sun and the tickle of the autumn breeze pull at your coat. You hadn't stopped at your apartment before coming here, instead you had stumbled your way to the bus station covered in dust, flecked in blood, and demanded the first ticket back to Illinois. It was lucky that the next bus was leaving immediately, because you didn’t want to spend another second in NYC, not when all you wanted was to be home.

Plus you were worried that someone had recorded what exactly happened outside the plant shop and you didn't want to get arrested.

It was self defense anyway. Maybe Jake would represent me in court.

The thought of Jake makes you twinge. You hadn't checked to see if he was alright before you ran from the scene. Not to mention you'd destroyed the shop he'd put all his life savings into after he stopped being a lawyer.

Oh fuck, what if he sues me? He can't exactly sue Darren…

You hear someone call your name and you open your eyes.

Your grandmother is standing in front of the same baby blue pickup truck that she'd had longer than you've been alive, wearing a long multicolored skirt and a pressed white blouse tucked elegantly into it. Her silver hair is loose and long, curling over her shoulders in gentle waves. She looks the same way she looked one week ago when she left, and you've never seen anything so beautiful in your life.

You're running before you can stop yourself, crumbling into her warm embrace, with more tears streaking down your face, but she doesn't mind.

"Shh. It's alright honey." She whispers, rubbing her hand over your back, her embrace steady and surprisingly strong. "Let's go home."

Her home is the same as it's always been. A two story Victorian house painted in a happy yellow shade, with a white wrap around porch and two white rocking chairs sitting empty on the front porch. You'd spent more nights than you could count rocking silently beside her with a crochet project in your lap listening to the rain fall and soak the world outside, while the plants sang praises with every gentle bend beneath the heavy droplets.

You could barely remember the home you spent in your early years with your parents, not when you'd spent most of your childhood spending the night here and after your parents died living here permanently. There was still a large oak tree were a wooden swing swung in the slight breeze on the left side of the yard, a gardenia bush that stretched as high as the second story on the right side of the house and brushed it's soft leaves against the sunshine colored outer walls, a garden filled with both flowering plants and herbs that perked up on both sides of the front yard as you walked up the path, and a cobblestone path that Annie and you had spent hours of your shared childhood covering in chalk art.

Neither of you were good, but when the rain would fall and smudge the clean lines, you'd jump in the puddles that pooled along the walkway singing the lyrics to ABBA's "Cassandra" not quite understanding what it meant.

Standing here outside your house made you miss Annie and feel worse about not calling or texting her back, but you didn't feel like talking about what happened and you were sure that Butcher filled her in. The only thing that you wanted was to collapse in your bedroom upstairs and curl under the comforters.

Despite everything the house was a welcome sight, but at the same time it was different. You could feel the plants calling out to you, asking for you, bending towards you just to touch your shoes as you walked by. You'd never felt so connected with them before, not even when you were in your apartment or working at the shop.  It was overwhelming.

And although a part of you was frightened by it, another part of you rejoiced in it. You didn't feel alone, didn't feel weak, and you knew that you never would ever again.

The creature nuzzled into the side of your neck with a sigh, soaking up the sun's healing rays as you walked up the front steps with your grandmother following behind you silently. She hadn't spoken since she picked you up at the bus station and you hadn't supplied anything in the ten minute car ride back to her house.

You didn't know where to start and you were still trying to process everything yourself.

The inside of her house was just as cozy and warm as it was the day you moved out. There were photos of your parents and you covering the walls (Darren's had been placed in the closet long ago), half-finished knitting projects sorted in different baskets on both the dining room table and the living room coffee table, spools of yarn were strewn over the couch sorted by color, and the fresh smell of gardenia wafted through the open windows on the breeze.

It was home. This was what you'd been missing the moment everything began to crash over you, but as you stood there in the familiar living room it felt like something was missing. Something tugged at the back of your mind, but you couldn't put your finger on it.

There was something or rather someone that should be here, but you didn't know what or who. And your mind supplied Annie, but you weren't sure that's who you meant.

"Let's have some tea." Your grandmother says from behind you and you feel her soft hands come down on your shoulders to steer you through the familiar creative chaos and into the large kitchen at the back of the house.

The kitchen isn't spared from the madness, it rarely was. There are boxes upon boxes of cookies in different stages of being packaged all over the counter, dirty bowls and a measuring cup stacked in the sink, and a large opened bag of chocolate chips spilling over the flour covered kitchen island.

It wasn't unusual to find the kitchen or the house in a state of chaos, your grandmother always said that a house should look lived in and that the mess was part of the fun of any major project as long as you were responsible enough to clean it up.

"Bake sale?" You ask as you sit down in the breakfast nook, uttering the first words that you'd said to another human being in twenty hours.

The next breath that you inhale was supposed to be cleansing, but you can still feel a weight pressing down on your chest, the same one that settled in the moment everything happened with Darren.

You contemplate again how you're going to tell her that Darren is dead and was the reason why your parents died.

Damn it Darren.

"Mhmm." She hums, filling the well used red kettle. "Annie's mother practically cornered me in the supermarket yesterday and begged me to make cookies. I love Annie, but her mother needs someone to pull that stick out of her ass. It's been up there for so long that I'm sure it's rotten."

The creature crawls down from your shoulders and down your arm to sniff at one of the chocolate chip cookies nearest you. It hadn't eaten since…

Darren.

You wince slightly at the thought and hope that you hadn't created something that needed and craved human flesh. The last thing you wanted to unleash on the world was Audry two especially in the wake of Homelander.

Truthfully you were waiting for the guilt at killing your brother to come, but it never had and you wondered if it ever would.

Probably not. He deserved that, he killed our parents, he tried to kill me, he tried to kill Ben.

The thought of Ben again makes a lump form in the back of your throat. You didn't know what was happening to you only that you felt guilty for leaving him like that, for yelling at him to let you go, and just vanishing on him when he probably thought that you were going back to the apartment.

He doesn't know where I am. Maybe that's why he tried to call, because he got back to the apartment and couldn't find me there and he was worried. You press your lips together. Yeah. Worried. Right.

"Honey?" Your grandmother says in a soothing voice

You look up from the box of chocolate chip cookies that you didn't remember picking up. Even the creature is looking at you with an expression that you can only explain as worry.

"Yeah?" Your voice shakes slightly.

She's leaning back against the counter, arms crossed over her chest, head tilted slightly to the side, her beautiful grayed hair pulled up in an elegant bun, but in her eyes you can see genuine concern. "Fuck." She sighs after a minute.

You blink in surprise. It was the first time that you'd ever heard her say that word in your entire life.

"I shouldn't have left." She breathes. "I told Ben to look out for you. I told him, that little bastard was bound to show up again and what did he do? He left you at that plant shop alone with no protection!"

You'd only seen her really angry a handful of times in your lifetime. Like you, your grandmother often had a gentle disposition and didn't get angry unless the situation called for it.

I mean, Darren admitted to killing our parents and then got fucking ripped apart. But how does she know about any of that? I haven't told her…

"How did you know that he left me there? Did Ben call you?" You ask putting down the box of cookies.

An odd expression crosses her face, as if she's contemplating something. "No." She hesitates again. "I saw it."

"No." Your grandmother hesitates. "I saw it."

"You saw it?" You repeat, confused.

What's going on?

"Too late of course, but I'm a little rusty. I was able to warn Ben that Darren was coming back. That's how he got there so quickly or rather-" She shrugs sheepishly. "He got there in time to make sure that Darren didn't get you to forgive him. Which you shouldn't have at all, but I know he's always had a talent for manipulating you."

"What?"

Is she saying what I think she's saying?

Instead of explaining further your grandmother walks out of the kitchen, leaving the kettle behind on the stove and you in a state of utter confusion.

Is she saying that she can see the future? Because that would mean that she's a supe and there's only one supe in history that I know of that can do that. A supe that no one has seen in over forty years.

You can hear her open the door to the closet under the stairs and the sound of her sifting through all the junk that the two of you had shoved in there over the years instead of finding the right place to put it.

When she comes back into the kitchen, she's holding a giant cardboard file box that you'd never paid attention to each time you opened the closet to find something. Your eyes shift from the box to her still not comprehending exactly what she was saying.

"I probably should have told you this a while ago, but…" She trails off and nods her head at the box before turning back to the kettle on the stove that has begun to scream. "I kept putting it off."

The box is old, worn at the edges, and theres a musty black fabric beneath a collection of yellowed photographs. You pull out the one on top to examine it.

Ben is standing there in his full Soldier Boy regalia outside of Vought tower and the woman standing next to him is Soothsayer. The outfit she wore was familiar, a black-skin tight suit with a blind fold tied over her eyes.

Soothsayer was a supe who could see the future and who was apart of Payback, a supe that had vanished a year before the mission in Nicaragua and no one knew where she went. There were rumors that she'd died and that she'd been a Russian spy, but you'd never believed them. You'd heard Butcher talk about how he tried to find her when he was trying to figure out what happened to Soldier Boy, but he never had. Said that the trail went cold.

But now you knew where she went, because she was standing directly in front of you.

She's Soothsayer? Holy fuck that's why Ben kept accusing her of cheating in the poker game because he knew that she could see the future.

"You were Soothsayer?" You gasp. "But why didn't you say anything? Why didn't you tell me?"

She continues to measure the tea leaves. "I didn't tell anyone."

"Grandpa didn't know? But he was alive when you were a supe?"

Your grandfather had never spoken about a history with supes that you remember.

"No." She turns to look at you, a hurt expression crossing over her face for a minute. "Well, I know that I said I was going to have tea, but if we're going to talk about this I'm going to need something a little bit stronger."

Your grandmother opens a cabinet under the stove an pulls out an enormous bottle of scotch. Truth be told you'd never seen her drink more than just a glass of wine, to see her like this was about as shocking as seeing a polar bear sunning itself on a Florida beach.

"Do you still want the blueberry tea or do you need something a little stronger?" She looks back over her shoulder at you as she pulls down a glass for herself.

"I think I need something stronger." You answer honestly.

Learning about everything Darren had done was one thing, but finding out that your grandmother used to be a famous supe and that she never told you about it was another thing. It was like looking at another person. You'd always loved your grandmother's gentle way, her care for her community and her family soft, but now you weren't sure you really knew who she was.

She sits down across from you and hands you a glass of the amber colored liquid. There's a heavy silence that hangs between the two of you as she tries to find a way to start. The photo of her and Ben is laying on top of what you realize is her uniform inside the box and she smiles down at the photo, just a little twitch at the corner of her lips.

"I met Ben when I was twenty three years old." She begins taking a sip from the glass. "Legend 'discovered' me. I had the injection of Compound V maybe two years before that, not when I was born, but I hadn't gotten popular. Other powers were much more flashy and by then there were so many heroes coming out of the woodwork that someone with the ability to see the future didn't seem as marketable."

There's something reflected in her blue eyes, the same eyes your father had, that you can't place. "I had just moved to New York, I had no money, and the way I was getting it was by pretending to be a fortune teller and betting on some sports events on the side. It wasn't hard to prove that I could see the future, the past was more difficult, but Legend somehow stumbled into my shop and figured out that I was a supe. And he didn't think I was too bad looking so he helped me get big."

"You pretended to be a fortune teller?"

She snorts into her glass. "Mhmm. People really will believe anything if they're desperate enough and back then there was so much turmoil going on with Russia that people were scared and wanted to feel comforted. My job provided some of that."

"But why did you walk away from it if you were such a big hero." You ask. "Everyone knew your name, you were-"

Your grandmother raises an eyebrow at you and you fall silent so she can continue. "When I got onto Payback that's when everything exploded for me, the films, the commercials, the ridiculous ads." She sighs. "That's also when I met Ben."

You take a sip from the glass in front of you, sputtering slightly. It was stronger than you were expecting. "And you two were-"

Please don't say dating, please don't say dating, please don't say…

"Friends. Just friends." Diana sits back against the back of the breakfast nook, sinking into the navy blue pillows. "But he is almost as charming now as he was then."

You cringe at the thought of Ben coming on to a younger version of your grandmother.

She taps her glass with her index finger deep in thought. "But I think that I was the only person that Ben actually talked to, the only person that he was comfortable being around."

"What do you mean?" You ask confused. "Didn't he talk to Countess and to Legend?"

Her expression hardens at the mention of Countess's name. "He didn't talk to her the way he talked to me. Ben is difficult, he always has been and I think that most of the people he meet him write him off as this asshole with a chauvinistic look on the world, but he's not. At least, not all the time. There are so many people that he's met that are never willing to take a chance on him. To trust that there is really something beneath all of that bravado."

It was what you had been thinking for the past week, that there was more to Ben than he was willing to let people see, but you were slowly realizing that Ben was letting you see those parts. In the quiet moments at your shared apartment when he sat with you while you read or made you laugh or walked you to and from work you saw another side of Ben that you never saw when he was around anyone else. The guilt rises again when you think of how you ran from him, how you turned your back and left him standing there to clean up your mess.

I shouldn’t have done that, but it was all just so overwhelming and I didn't want to talk to anyone.

"I think that Ben is the most loyal friend I ever had. No one ever seems to believe me when I say that. That we were just friends, but nothing happened between us."

"You didn't date? Or sleep together?" You ask cautiously. It was difficult to imagine Ben being friends with a woman and not having a sexual relationship with her.

Well. We're friends, but that's different.

The last thing you wanted to think about was Ben and your grandmother having sex.

I would need so much therapy after that. You sigh. Yeah, because after all the shit I've been through and found out about my life in the last twenty hours, the knowledge that Ben fucked my grandmother is what's going to push me over the edge.

"No." She shakes her head with a small smile. "About a week after I met Ben, I was running late to a movie shoot and I stepped off the crosswalk without looking. There was a car coming and I didn't see it. Ironic isn't it?" She laughs at herself. "I can see the future and I didn't see a car coming, but your grandfather did and he grabbed the back of my jacket and yanked me onto the sidewalk, saved my life. And the second my eyes locked with his I saw our future. I saw our wedding, our first house, I saw our son take his first steps and I saw how much I would love him and how much he would love me." She clears her throat for a minute, her fingers tighten on the glass, and her gaze drops to the wedding ring on her left hand. “The future is never set in stone, it’s fluid. It morphs and shapes with your decisions, but in the future I saw, I was so happy. And I didn’t want to lose that.”

Your grandfather had passed a few years ago, but you knew it weighed on her everyday. She had spent the week after he died in her room not saying anything to anyone. And sometimes she'd look out the window into the backyard with an odd expression, but you knew that meant she was thinking of him.

Growing up you'd seen how in love the two of them were, more so than your parents. Seen the flowers your grandfather always brought home just because he was thinking of her, watched him do little things around the house without being asked, saw how they never walked away angry from one another, and seen the soppy expression he'd get when he watched your grandmother move around the kitchen baking with a grace that you'd never possessed.

You reach across the table to touch her hand and she takes it gratefully.

"I didn't want to tell him that I was a supe, and at the beginning I thought I could balance it all, but then Ben started dating Countess." She takes another sip from her glass. "She hated me."

"What? Why?" You ask. The creature crawls across the table to sniff at the glass in front of you, before it snorts and falls into your lap, curling into a ball.

"Countess was a bitch." Your grandmother says mirthlessly, her expression hardening. "She wanted to possess Ben completely. Only loved how famous he was, how popular it made her, and he threw himself at her feet, in his own way, not understanding that love didn’t look that way. He’s never had a good example of it in his life. And she never understood that Ben and I were just friends. By then I had been dating your grandfather for a few months and things were getting serious. It was about a year before everything that happened in Nicaragua."

She presses her lips together as if remembering what happened to Ben there. "She was jealous, possessive, and she came to me one night. Ben was out of town for a film so she knew we wouldn’t be interrupted. She threatened to tell your grandfather who I really was and threatened to kill him.” Her jaw sets. “My powers were never really as offensive as hers were. And she said that Ben wouldn’t ever protect me over her because he loved her and would do anything to make her happy. So I left and I never looked back.”

And here I thought I couldn't hate Countess any more than I did for what she did to Ben.

“You didn’t talk to him ever again?” You wonder out loud.

She left without telling him goodbye?

“There was the occasional phone call. Sometimes Ben would ask me to see who was going to win a ball game or something so he could make a few bucks. He stopped by to say hi a few times because he was in the neighborhood. One time he brought your father a baseball glove that was way too big for a one year old.” She snorts, the memory flashing in her eyes. “I always thought Ben would be a good dad some day. But I think seeing your father was when Ben realized how much he wanted to have kids. And I think seeing the way your grandfather treated me made him start to feel conflicted about Countess. But he respected that I walked away, he saw that I was happy.”

“But what about Nicaragua?"

A dark look crosses her face followed by something that looks suspiciously like guilt. “I saw what they were going to do to him.”

“What? But why didn't you tell him what they were planning? Why didn't you-"

"I tried." She snaps, shoulders tense, but then they drop. "I called Ben, but Stan answered. By then your father was turning two, your grandfather had opened up his practice, and Stan threatened me, he knew where we were and knew everything about us. So I kept my mouth shut and I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.”

You could feel your heart breaking for her.

Ben was her best friend and she had to sit by and watch them do that to him. She saw what they were going to do and they were going to kill her for it, kill my family for it.

The anger that surges in your chest makes the creature in your lap stir and grow a few inches, but you tamp it down before it gets bigger than a small dog.

“Does Ben know?” You ask her to distract yourself.

You didn't want Ben to hate your grandmother for this, didn't want him to hate her for something that wasn't her fault.

She nods. “Yes. I told him everything.”

“When?”

“The moment I saw him in your hospital room. I couldn’t keep it in any longer. I wasn't expecting him to be there, but it all poured out of me. I was so surprised to see him there. I hadn't seen a future where he came back."

“Was he mad?”

I mean… he didn't seem mad when I woke up, not to mention he was upset when she left to come back to Illinois.

“Not at me.” She shakes her head. “He knew how much I wanted a normal life and how much I loved your grandfather. He doesn’t blame me for any of it.”

“Good. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.”

The glass in front of you is still more than half-full but you don't want to risk another sip of what you're sure is gasoline packaged to look like Scotch. Your grandmother reaches to pour herself another glass.

“I didn’t want to until you were ready.”

“And when would that be?”

Your grandmother shrugs. “Maybe on my deathbed.”

You weren't angry for her not telling you, more surprised, but now that you knew everything about her it was hard to see her the same way you had.

 You snort. “And no one knew?”

“Your dad figured it out.”

“How? When?”

“The moment you made that strawberry plant grow from your high chair.” She shakes her head with a smile. “It skipped a generation. Don’t know why, but you got it all somehow.”

“I was never injected?”

“No. That was a lie your father created. He knew that your grandfather didn't know and he knew that I didn't want your grandfather to know."

“Darren thought I was.”

“I know.”

At the mention of your brother's name, you watch her expression harden and she takes another swig from the glass in front of her, not flinching as the liquid goes down her throat.

“Did you see everything that happened?” You ask in a small voice.

You still weren't 100% sure how it was her powers worked, but you figured that she was able to see some of what Darren did and what he said.

“Yes.”

“You heard everything Darren said?"

“Yes.”

You chew the inside of your cheek for a minute hoping that she didn't take it as hard as you did. “Did you know that he killed them?”

“No.” She breathes, rolling the glass between her hands for a moment. “The night they died, I got a vision a few minutes before the car ran off the road. I was the one who called the police and who told them where to look, but I never saw that it was Darren or that it was anyone causing the accident. All I saw was the three of you in the car. I should have known.” Her voice breaks.

“It’s not your fault.” You squeeze her hand.

“And it’s not yours either.” She squeezes your hand back.

The memories are beginning to float up from the recesses of your mind and your teeth clench together as you try to keep them at bay.

“I know.” You breathe. The memory of the ruined shop flashes through your head. “I didn’t know that I could do something like that.” You gently touch your healed right arm and glance at the creature that is nibbling on the edge of the cardboard box with its sharp splinter-like teeth. “I feel so different and I don’t know how to go back to the way I was.”

“I don’t think you ever will.”

"Really?"

The thought was unwelcome. You were hoping that all of this was going to blow over, but you knew it wouldn't. Your powers had changed. There was an energy that thrummed in your veins now, stretching out of the house to the plants that grew in the garden. You could feel them all if you concentrated.

She frowns. “When you told me that you were working for Butcher I was worried about you getting involved in the supe world. I didn’t want that life for you, didn’t want you to suffer the way I did-“

“Was it really that bad?"

“Not all the time, just at the end. But I think that’s why I loved your grandfather so much. Because he was different than all the supes. He was down to earth, not just normal but-“ She shrugs. “I think Compound V does something to our minds, makes them more susceptible and when you’re surrounded by people using their powers and thinking that they’re gods it’s easy to lose who you are. I was glad I left when I did."

“Great." You huff, thinking about how your powers had grown exponentially since you killed your brother. It was scaring you to think that you would reach a point where you acted like Homelander, where you saw yourself as a god and killed anyone who stood in your way.

As tired as the stereotype of you only being able to make the flowers grow, you liked doing that. You liked healing plants, tending to them, and helping them grow. For you it had never been about using your powers the way that you had to kill Elijah and your brother and had always been about spreading a little more joy and love like your grandmother did with her kindness in her community.

Your mind flashes back to the first night that Ben stayed with you in your apartment and he'd asked you why you worked for Butcher and told you that he thought you "didn't fit."

Before you hadn't. You knew that. You weren't intimidating to look at or fueled by revenge or had a bone to pick with supes. You'd joined because you thought it was the right thing to do and because you wanted to be closer with Annie. She had been so involved in the supe world and you'd felt like you were losing your best friend. When in reality being at "Please Don't Die" was the only thing that felt natural for you.

You could feel yourself changing and you weren't sure that you wanted to and you weren't sure if you were changing for the better. Deep down you still felt like you, despite everything Darren had revealed, but your powers were greater than you'd thought they could be.

“No.” She squeezes your hand pulling you out of your head. “I don’t see you losing yourself in this.”

“You’ve seen-“ Your eyes widen.

“The future yeah.” Her lips twitch up at the ends in a smile. “It is what I do.”

“That’s so weird.”

You hadn't meant to say it, but you really didn't want to know too much about your future.

Well, not all that much. Maybe just a little.

“You of all people have no right to judge what’s weird. Not with Godzilla sitting in your lap.”

"Godzilla" yawns, flashing a mouthful of his pointy teeth, before settling back down on your thighs.

You smile for the first time in twenty hours, but then it drops. “I don’t like losing control. I thought I knew who I was but now I don’t-“ The emotions were bubbling up again, chest tightening, and lungs beginning to gasp for air. “I don’t know who I am anymore or what I am or what I can do and-“

“There’s nothing wrong with not being in control.”

“But what if I hurt someone? What if I kill-“ You body shakes as you think about all the important people in your life, Annie, Hughie, Butcher, Kimiko, MM, Frenchie- and then your mind stutters on Ben.

“Your powers are growing and there’s nothing to be afraid of or ashamed of. If you’re afraid of them it won’t get easier for you. You have to embrace the fear to see the lights that line the path through it.”

"I killed Darren, I killed Elijah-"

"Not because you lost control. You did it because you were protecting yourself and protecting your friends."

"But-"

"Who is it that you're scared of hurting? Annie?" Her expression turns sympathetic. "Annie is a supe and understands what it's like to lose control. None of us are in control all the time and it's ridiculous to believe that you won't lose control at least once."

Your throat clenches tightly, because when she asked the question you didn't see Annie's face, you saw Ben's. You knew that it was probably ridiculous to worry about hurting a guy with a nuclear reactor stuffed in his chest or a guy who'd been through every torture known to man, but you were. And you weren't entirely sure if you meant hurting him with just your powers.

Tears crest and fall down your cheeks as you sit there, throat thickening. "I don't want to hurt Ben."

"He's a little more indestructible than us sweetie." She cracks a smile, but you can't smile back and you don't answer because you're unsure how to.

She sits back against the breakfast nook and sighs, examining your face and slowly realizes what you mean. "Ben is complicated. He always has been. I like to think that most of it, is his father's fault. Has he told you anything about him?"

You shake your head.

"He was a dick. Made Ben think that he was a disappointment his whole life. I don't think that Ben has had someone love him unconditionally since his mother died. And loving Countess only made it worse for him. Her love was jealous, possessive, and I don't think that he's really come to terms with what real love should look like." She lets out a breath, tapping her index finger against the glass. "I never saw him as more than a friend, but I do love him. It's not a crime to love him."

"I don't love him." You say it immediately.

"Why not?"

"What?" You sputter. "I don't know what you're-"

"Tell me why you don't love him." Your grandma says methodically, as if she's trying to talk you through it.

"Because I-" The pressure was back in the back of your throat and you couldn't quite meet her eye. "Because-" You scramble for the answer, trying your darndest to keep your heart from clenching in your chest. "I want what you and grandpa had, what Annie and Hughie have, and what my parents had. A strong relationship with someone who sees all my flaws, the little parts, and the darkness and still choses to fall in love with me anyway. I don't want just one night I want every night. I want something real and Ben has said countless times that he-"

"So you've talked about it with Ben?" She raises an eyebrow.

"Only because he kept trying to sleep with me and I told him that I didn't want to have sex with him." You reply exasperated.

"You don't?"

"Gran!"

"What? He's attractive."

"It doesn't matter. None of it does. Because Ben has said that he doesn't have relationships, that he doesn't care about feelings, or emotions." Saying the words that Ben had told you countless times made something inside begin to shrivel up and die. "And I do. And I don't want to manipulate him into being something he's not or force him into a relationship that's doomed from the beginning. Ben is Ben. He's not changing or-"

"He has." She interrupts.

"What?"

"The Ben I saw in your hospital room is not the one I knew." She says it so matter of fact that makes it hard to breathe. "And neither was the one that I saw in your apartment when I stayed with you. I mean he is in essence Ben, but-"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"He is changing. Not completely, but he's acting differently than when he was with Countess. I mean, I saw all the things he did for her. The way he was around her."

"Why does that matter?"

"Because he loved her."

The words make your heart seize in your chest. "Ben doesn't love me. He's my roommate and my friend-" It was the same thing that you kept telling yourself on repeat to beat back the other feelings that you hadn't quite identified yet. "And he's told me that he doesn't want a relationship and that I should try to meet other people."

That last part was a lie, but you honestly didn't know where she was going with this conversation or why it was getting so hard to breathe.

"Have you thought that maybe Ben doesn't want to love you because he's scared?"

"He doesn't love me and Ben isn't afraid of anything."

"He is. It might not look the same way on him as it does on everyone else, but if you pay close enough attention you can catch it." She hesitates. "And I think if you pay attention to you, you'll see what it is that you're afraid of too."

What does she mean? What the hell am I afraid of? Ben isn't afraid of anything, he's practically shouted that from the mountaintops like Julie Andrews.

"I already told you what I'm afraid of."

"I'm not talking about you hurting someone honey. There's something else that you refuse to admit to yourself because you're scared." She smiles sadly at you. "You should though, because when you embrace it, what comes after is really beautiful." There's a far off look in her eyes and you realize that she'd seen something further ahead that she wasn't letting on.

"And it's all I want for you. To be happy." Your grandmother stands from the other side of the booth "I think you need some rest. You drove all night long and I doubt you got any sleep. And I have to package all of these before Annie's mother calls down the four horsemen of the Apocalypse on me."

"Wait-"

"Please sweetie." She lays her hand down on your arm. "I think you'll feel a little better about all of this when you've had some rest." Her fingers raise to push back some of the hair that's fallen forward into your eyes. "Hmm?"

You didn't want to rest, you wanted to talk about this, but you knew better than to argue with her. Not to mention she was right, you hadn't slept.

"And when you wake up I'll make your favorite for dinner, alright?" She smiles, but there's something behind it that you can't place.

"Okay."

And this time you don't argue with her. You go up the worn staircase that you have your entire life and collapse onto your bed, wondering exactly what it was she saw your future hold, and what it is that you won't admit to yourself.

Soldier Boy POV

There was no light in the apartment save from the burning red tip of Ben's blunt and the bluish glow emanating from the tv that caught the dips and sharp edges of his face. But it was nothing more than background noise.

His hand absentmindedly stroked along Bean's back, his eyes focused on the ceiling above the couch. He hadn't moved in hours. It had been over twenty four hours since everything that happened at the plant shop, since you'd summoned a creature from the depths of the store, since Darren had thrown Ben through the plate glass windows of the bakery, and since Ben had last seen you.

He didn't understand why you hadn't let him take you back to the apartment and why it was that you had to leave. Ben hadn't liked the feeling that stabbed him in the chest when you turned your back on him and ran away. He'd felt the urge to comfort you the way he'd watched Hughie do for Annie in the car a week ago, but you hadn't let him.

Instead all he'd done is stood there and watched you run, still covered in dust, rubble, and blood. Worse was you hadn't let him check you for injuries and Ben hated the thought that you were hurt somewhere and he didn't know where you were.

You were so much more fragile than he was. He was realizing that more every day, was acutely aware of it after everything that happened with Elijah. Honestly, sitting there in the hospital with you laying there asleep with nothing that he could do, but wait for you to wake up had been agony. Not to mention that looking at the bruises around your throat, over your eye, and the bright green cast only made him feel worse. He'd never felt so helpless in his entire life and he hated it. Because Ben wasn't some helpless damsel in distress, he was a man and a man shouldn't wait on anyone or feel out of control, or at least, that's what he told himself.

Ben hears someone walk down the hallway outside the apartment and he perks up to listen, hoping that it's you finally coming home. Ben's mind stutters on the word "home." He'd lived many places in his life, apartments that felt more like way-stations, and the drafty cold mansion back in Philadelphia where he grew up, but neither felt like home. And although he hated how small your apartment was, it was the first place that Ben liked living in. He was starting to understand the word home.

But the feet keep moving past the apartment and Ben sinks into the couch cushions. Even Bean seems to be disappointed. "It's alright buddy." Ben mutters. "She'll come back."

But he wasn't sure.

Ben also wasn't used to feeling this way. It was close to the way that he felt when he went to Boston and was sitting in that damn hotel room waiting for something to happen and he still didn't understand what it meant. He didn't understand why he couldn't stand it that you weren't back yet. It made him feel like a woman waiting for her husband to get home from work when he told her that he was "running late." He'd tried to distract himself by looking at some possible prospects on Tinder, but just like the week after you'd come home from the hospital and just like the date he had in Boston, no one held any appeal.

His mind was awake and roaming around, pacing back and forth. The blunt was supposed to help, but it hadn't.

His phone chirps and Ben picks it up to look at the screen, but it's not you, it's Jake.

Jake: I know that I'm not your favorite person, but thank you for what you did.

Ben huffs and turns his phone face down on the couch once more. "What a fucking pussy."

When you left Ben had realized that Jake was still inside the building and as much as he wanted race after you, he understood that you'd be even more upset if you'd killed Jake. So Ben had tromped back through the building and found him trapped beneath some rubble. Jake was okay, just unconscious, but Ben had carried him out and put him on the sidewalk before he high tailed it out of there. The last thing that he wanted was to be caught with a shredded body outside a ruined building.

I didn't do it for him. I did it for her. Ben thinks to himself, looking down at the text message.

As much as he hated the thought of saving your future boyfriend, he didn't want to see what it did to you if you found out that you killed Jake, so he'd done it to avoid watching you cry again.

Ben didn't understand why he hated watching you cry.

Women cry. They're damn emotional all the time. He tries to reason with himself taking a puff from the blunt pinched between his thumb and forefinger. And she fucking cries way too much.

The image of you crying outside of the shop in the wake of everything that happened pricks something under his ribcage. Fuck.

Ben didn't feel remorse for what happened, well, the only thing he regretted was not getting there sooner and getting to fuck Darren up himself. When Diana had called him to tell him that Darren was coming, Ben had practically ripped the apartment door off in his haste to get back to you. He hadn’t wanted to leave you at the plant shop, but Butcher had told Ben, that he had a possible location for Darren, but it came up empty and Ben had been at Butcher's apartment chewing him out for sending him on a fucking wild goose chase.

It only made Ben more angry to allow Darren to speak to you, but he was trying to let you handle it even though he wanted to handle him. But it had brought him an unholy amount of joy to throw Darren in front of that minivan and to watch that creature tear him apart while the final whitish blue pulses of electricity jumped and crackled down the street making the streetlights shower sparks everywhere.

But Ben was more upset that Darren had been able to land a few hits on you before you killed him.

Ben remembered the giant lizard that crawled out of what was left of "Please Don't Die" and felt his lips quirk up into a smile. As much as he hated the entire situation, Ben couldn't help but feel a little surge of pride at what you'd done to your brother. He'd never seen you look so powerful standing there in the street, your eyes glowing a brilliant green, arms outstretched, and the ground trembling around you as the world begged to be unleashed.

Of course he'd been just as surprised as you were at the fact that you'd healed your broken arm. He wasn't sure if you'd noticed it yet, but you looked different too. There weren't as many lines on your face and your hair was more springy, the few silver hairs that Ben had noticed in passing were no longer there.

He wasn't sure what that meant, but there was something that felt suspiciously like hope tingling in his stomach, hope that you weren't as fragile anymore and hope that it meant you wouldn't die.

When Diana had told Ben that her husband had died, he saw the pain in her eyes when she said it, saw her relieving the memory, and for some reason as soon as she said that he was dead, the first thing Ben thought about was you. Ben hadn't considered his inability to age as much in the past, hadn't cared about outliving anyone before. Seeing Countess as an older woman had made him more aware of it. Looking at the woman who he once thought he loved, had showed him what that was like. Not that he had a problem with daring older women, Ben always thought that women really did get better with age, but it was what came next that Ben wasn't fond of.

And for some reason thinking that one day he'd wake up and see the marks of age on your face or one day he'd wake up and he wouldn't be able to annoy you or hear you yell at him made his chest tight.

Ben takes another hit of his blunt. The longer he sat there the more then unnatural feeling stirred in the pit of his stomach, thrumming through his veins, the feeling that he was trying to avoid. He thought that the joint would calm him down, but he found himself jumping at every creak and footstep in the apartment building, perking up each time and hoping that it was you coming home.

He didn't know where you were. You hadn't answered any of his texts or calls and Ben was ashamed at how many times that he had tried to call you.

Get a fucking grip. He'd thought to himself when he typed out another text message to send you, stopping himself from sending it.

But he'd been so desperate to hear from you that he'd actually gone to talk to Annie who seemed upset that she couldn't get ahold of you either. When Hughie and Annie had seen how upset Ben had been, Hughie had laid his hand on Ben's arm and told him not to worry. Ben had yelled at him that he "wasn't fucking worried and to mind his own business" and had shaken off Hughie's comforting hand before stomping out of the shared apartment.

No one else seemed to be as concerned about finding you. Butcher, MM, and Frenchie were all deeply involved in trying to figure out the cover-up for what happened outside the plant shop. By some miracle no one had caught a picture of your face, but there was little they could do about Darren's body that had been strewn across the street. Annie was having to deal with the repercussions at work, trying to handle what the news was calling a "super villain threat."

Personally, Ben thought that since they froze Homelander, the Seven looked weak and Ben believed that the superhero team that represented America shouldn't look weak. Of course before Ben had also thought that they looked like a bunch of pussies and again felt himself sink deeper into the couch when he thought about what his supposed son had become.

He shakes off the feelings he has about it and his thoughts turn back inevitably to you.

Ben wasn't used to thinking about someone as much as he thought of you, but each time he settled back into the apartment and you weren't there he was hyperaware of how quiet it was.

Maybe I should call Diana. She might know where she is.

As soon as Ben thinks that, his phone begins to ring, but Ben doesn't bother to look at who it is before he answers it. 

"Hello?" Ben huffs out a breath of smoke that hangs in the air in front of his face, catching in the bluish light coming from the television.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" The voice on the other side of the line yells at him.

"Di?"

"Yes it's me. Who did you think it was? Santa Clause?" Your grandmother snarks.

"Why are you calling me and why the fuck are you so mad? What did I do?" Ben answers slightly annoyed.

As much as you got under his skin, your grandmother had been the same way. He actually thought that it was amusing that even before he figured out that she was your grandmother that he had often compared you to her in his mind. You had the same mannerisms, the same defiant and stubborn attitude that drove Ben up the wall, and you were just as beautiful as she was.

Ben was okay with admitting that he was attracted to you. To him that felt normal, it was the other feelings that he was conflicted about, the ones that he'd never felt before stirring in his chest that made him feel "too emotional" and "woman-like."

Truthfully, Ben was sure that if your grandmother had given him a shot that maybe he would have felt that way about her too. She was the only person that Ben actually trusted in the 80's, the only person that was brave enough to call him out on all his shit. You did that now. But he liked her husband also, so Ben was content with letting her go. He liked how happy that Henry, your grandfather, had made her. He knew that she wasn't happy as a supe and seeing her so happy and in love made Ben feel something that was close to happiness.

And it was seeing the way the two of them were together made Ben wonder if what he had with Countess was the same thing. Because he did have feelings about her that were different, but each time he went to visit Diana and saw your father playing on her lap he felt that there was something missing in his life.

It was the same way that he thought something was missing when you weren't in the apartment, but Ben hadn't realized that yet.

"Because I don't understand what the hell you're doing!" Diana replies and Ben honestly doesn't know why she's angry with him.

"About what?"

"My granddaughter."

Ben sits up the blunt in his fingertips forgotten. "Is she there with you?"

"Yes." Her voice softens for a moment.

Ben relaxes and leans back onto the couch, sighing in relief. "Good.  That's good." Relief swelled in his chest when he thought about you staying with her, safe.

That's what she meant when she said that she wanted to go home. Home is with her grandmother. Ben stopped the next thought before he could go there.

The thought that home wasn't with him.

Ben was trying not to think about that or think about you hating him. He didn't think you did, well, didn't think you did anymore. At first it really was touch and go, but now he was almost eighty percent sure after you'd told him more than once that you weren't afraid of him and didn’t hate him that you sometimes wanted him around.

"No, not good."

"What do you mean? Is she okay?" Ben's grip on the phone tightens so hard that he's sure that he hears the screen cracking.

"No."

"What happened?" Ben's voice is a growl, the feelings of relief evaporating as soon as they had begun to bloom in his chest. He mentally calculated how long it would take him to get to you.

"Her entire life fucking fell apart and where are you? Not here!"

Oh. Ben relaxed a little bit.

"I don't need to be there." He says on an exhale of smoke.

"Yes you do!" Diana presses.

"No, I don't. She a big girl she doesn't need me there, she's-" Ben takes a puff from the joint.

“If you were any denser you’d be a Bundt cake Benjamin!” She says exasperated.

"What the fuck are you talking about doll? I am not-"

“Let me guess." She interrupts and Ben can imagine her tapping her foot. He hated when she did that. "You’re moping around smoking a blunt on the couch probably with a glass of something that you're hoping to numb whatever the hell it is you're feeling."

Ben's eyes shift to the bottle of whiskey on the coffee table that he hadn't touched in a few minutes.

“I’m not fucking moping and stop spying on me!” He snaps back at Diana.

He hated how well she knew him. She was his best friend in the 80's through all the shit, she had seen him at his worst and at his best too many times to count.

“I don’t have to use my powers to know what you’re doing. I know you Ben.”

"Sorry to disappoint you sweetheart.” Ben grits his teeth, temper flaring hot. “But if you know me as well as you fucking say you do then you then you know that this is-“

“You avoiding your feelings by acting aloof and brooding like a fucked up version of Mr. Darcy.” She interrupts.

She certainly hasn't changed.

“I am not avoiding-“

“She needs you here Ben.” Diana stamps her foot, the same way you do when Ben pisses you off, and Ben can hear it.

“She doesn’t need me! She said that she wanted to go home, that she didn’t want to be here with me! I tried to-“ Ben shouts back standing up. It was the exact thing that he'd been thinking for the past twenty four hours, that you didn’t need him and that you didn't want to be any where near him.

That last thought made an uncomfortable sensation prickle in his gut when he thought it, because all it did was remind him of how you acted when the two of you first met, when you didn't want him to live with you and tried your darndest to make him go away.

He didn’t want to and he wasn't sure why that was.

“Try harder.” Diana interrupts him again and frankly it was pissing him off.

Ben clenches his jaw. “I think that you’ve confused me with someone else baby.”

“Don’t you 'baby' me Benjamin! We both know that you’re doing what you always do when things get hard for you.”

“And what’s that?”

“You pretend not to care and shut out everyone who tries to care for you. Not to mention you drown yourself in drugs, booze, and women.”

“She doesn’t care about me!” He spits.

“She does!” Diana snaps back. “And believe it or not she needs you here and she wants you here.”

"But-"

"Ben please." It was the first time that he'd heard Diana sound softer and almost pleading since the conversation started. "Don't do this to her. She's worth more than Countess and all those other women you've fallen into bed with."

"Do you really think I don't know that?" He roars. The answer surprises himself. "Do you think I don't know that she's different?"

Wait what?

"If you know that, then why aren't you here?"

He hesitates.

Everything you said to him the night of the party comes roaring back. You looking beautiful in a dress that made his throat tight, and you telling him that you just wanted to be friends and that you understood that he wasn't the type of guy to have relationships. He didn't understand why it stung a bit when you said that, but it had.

Ben thinks about the week that the two of you spent together after Diana went home, when he tried his best to take care of you, distract you from everything that happened with his movies, and would sit with you and try to make you laugh. He'd never wanted to take care of someone before.

Not to mention he kind of liked the way you laughed. He wouldn’t admit that to anyone, but each time you did, it made him want to laugh too. That had never happened to him before. But he wanted to make you laugh to forget everything that happened with Elijah. His fist clenches when he thinks of exactly what Elijah tried to do to you and it makes him feel so mad that he feels close to spontaneously combusting. Ben might not be the best role model when it came to women, but he couldn’t imagine the type of man who would force himself on someone else.

It had made him angry when he thought that you were suggesting that he would try something when he first moved in, because he wasn't that type of man.

Ben was trying to be better for you. He wasn't admitting that, but he really was trying to be better. He didn't understand why. You'd told him countless times that you didn’t want to be with him, that you wanted to be with someone else like Jake.

Ben frowns when he thinks about the man he'd pulled from the rubble of the shop. And again thinks to himself that you should be with someone different, someone who was a supe and could understand you. Ben had seen how difficult it was for Diana when she was keeping her supe life a secret from your grandfather and he didn't want you to have to do that with someone.

"Because I'm not-" Ben begins to say, but he holds his tongue. It was too honest, too raw, too unlike him to admit this to anyone.

Because I'm not this guy. Because I'm not the one she wants. Because I'm not some knight on a white horse. Because she's everything right with the world and I'm just a fucking asshole who sleeps on her couch.

"Ben." Diana breathes and he can practically hear her pinching the bridge of her nose. "In all the years I've known you, you've never done what you did for her with anyone else. You carried her out of that warehouse, you stayed with her in the hospital even after she woke up, you took care of her when she came home, you protected her from Darren. You can't ignore all those things."

"I'm not ignoring them. She's my friend." The word sours in his mouth as he says it. "And she would have done the same thing for me." He knew it was true.

She's a good person and she wouldn't let me chase her away if any of that shit happened to me and I told her to leave me alone.

"Yes she would. Because she cares about you." Diana sighs.

"She doesn't."

"Why don't you believe me?"

"Because she's told me what she wants!" Ben shouts so loudly he can feel the room shaking. "She wants to be friends-“

"Because she doesn't think that you want a relationship you nitwit!"

"I don't." Ben spits the words before he can stop them, but as he does something tightens at the base of his throat.

"How is it that it's been forty fucking years and you're still able to dance on the grave of my last nerve?"

Ben chuckles. "I missed you too sweetheart."

She sighs into the phone again making it crackle in Ben's ear. "She needs you.” Diana repeats. “And I think you need her too.”

His temper was flaring again, the thoughts that his father pressed into him surging up before he can stop the words. “I don’t need anyone. I’m Sol-“

“If you say that you’re Soldier Boy, I’m going to reach through this phone and slap you silly.” She snaps. “And you do need her, but you’re still just too stubborn to admit it.”

“I-“

“Ben I know that everything that happened with Countess was fucked up, but my granddaughter she-“ Diana pauses before she changes the thought.  “You say that you know she’s different, but right now you’re treating her the same way you treat all those other women.”

“I’m not-“

“My granddaughter has decided you’re important to her and once that’s happened it’s hard to make her let go. You saw the way she was with Darren and that guy was a manipulative asshole. Imagine what she thinks of you.”

“I-“

“Stop making excuses!”

“You didn’t even hear what I was going to say!” Ben shouts.

“And I don’t need to! Think what you want Ben but if you’d stop acting so stubborn and so ridiculously blind to what’s right in front of you. I promise that what comes next is worth the risk.”

“Don’t go all fucking mystical on me doll.”

“And don’t go all macho- no feelings asshole on me! So stop being so damn stubborn, get on a plane and get your ass here.” She retorts. “Don’t fuck this up Benjamin because if you do I’ll fuck you up.”

The line goes dead.

Ben sat there for a minute in the silence still holding the phone up to his ear, listening to what your grandmother said to him ring around in his head for a second.

No one ever spoke to him that way. In fact, Ben had never allowed anyone to speak to him the way that she did, well, not until you came along. You reminded him so much of her that it was astounding and he wasn't going to admit that maybe it's why he liked being around you so much.

Ben frowns at what Diana said, thinking about the unusual feelings that were swirling in the pit of his stomach. He felt wrong and the feelings were odd for him. He hadn't felt anything remotely like this ever in his life, not even for Countess.

And although Ben refused to be afraid of anything, the feelings he was having scared him. He didn’t understand and he wasn't sure that he wanted to. He wasn't sure that he wanted to see where this ended up. He felt like he was in too deep.

As much as he wanted to go to you like Diana ordered him to, he wasn't sure that he should. Something was holding him back, digging it's heels in and refusing to budge.

But why do I feel like-

His phone rings and he doesn't look at the caller ID when he picks up, expecting it to be Diana again, yelling at him.

"Di I-"

But it's not Diana.

"Hello Ben. It's nice to hear your voice again." The familiar voice says, sounding calm and collected.

"What the fuck do you want?" Ben snarls.

 "I thought it was time the two of us had a chat.”

A/N: At this point Diana is really just trying to give both Ben and the reader the kick in the pants they need. And yes I know another cliffhanger, but you know you love it. 🤭😉 We are quickly reaching the end of this series, but that means the confession scene is coming and I am so excited about it!!

As always thank you so much for reading! Reblogs, likes, and comments are not required, but are always appreciated. I love hearing what y'all think! If you'd like to be added to the taglist for this series let me know. 😊

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[acourtofquestions]

The Assassin and the Desert

— (thoughts while doing my first read) —

Is Ansel the person referenced in Crown of Midnight? The one who taught Celaena about the witches? Does that mean SHE will be the betrayer??? … is this the same person she said “she’d kill” if she ever saw again?!? (These are rhetorical thoughts; more theory than question😂).

The entire time Celaena is talking about these shoes shoes (and really it’s written like poetry; when she compares them to calligraphy👌👌👌) but all I am picturing is green Elf style curly shoes🤣🤦‍♀️… then again those would make a statement sooo…

“and why Arobynn had thought he'd need three seasoned assassins to restrain him that day.” — YEAH I THINK ABOUT THAT TOO CELAENA (Sam🥹😭… ugh this angsty/pining true-soulmate childhood love trope is going to BREAK MEEEE🖤)

Wait… is this where we learn the Asterion Mare tale?!

“Saying that she was sorry didn't feel adequate. She knew what this sort of loss was like, and words didn't do anything at all. ‘Where do men find it in themselves to do such monstrous things? How do they find it acceptable’” — The way Sarah writes sisterhood & female friendship is very special; honestly one of my favorite parts of her books & writing style. She hits the nail on the head 👏EVERY🥹DAM🥰TIME😭 — (not me crying cause Celaena isn’t under the stars sad and alone this time) … this is why Nehemia mattered so much😭

— also if I had a nickel for every time she said “silver lined eyes”🤣

Celaena taking the blame for Ansel because she thinks she doesn’t have a purpose but Ansel does🖤

Every time Celaena flinches I both want to hug her, hug Sarah, hug younger me, (kill Arobynn… I’m with ya Sam😅) and then thank all of them for the trauma representation; heartbreaking as it may be it’s pretty real for a fantasy series, and their is comfort in shared trauma through that lens.❤️‍🩹

EVERYTHING HAS A PRICE (giving me Ruin & Rising levels of fear here Sarah😬) — “but I’ve seen this episode and still loved the show”

It’s lovely to see Celaena be young & normal-ish; like she’s still a teenage girl in this book, she’s mortified over her first kiss, obsessed with shoes, making new friends, recklessly having fun… smiling for once… there’s an innocent joy in this book; one we never see in the post-Assassin’s Blade series…

… I think reading it post-Crown of Midnight (when I am) is especially perfect because you understand her & the books better (including tiny references like the Ironteeth witches & Asterion mares) … There’s also a sense of grief seeing her before it all “ended”, you already understand her now & now you do then too; which makes her make EVEN MORE sense; its not quite a “lost humanity”, but a grieving of lost innocence. — Despite all she had already been through, there were still these little pieces of life kept for herself back then; and something preciously heartbreakingly accurate to girlhood within them.

Despite having never been in love and not known much love Celaena seems to understand it better than most… there’s a special thing to that within her character; her joys resilience, drive for love, and draw toward goodness.

She finally feels safe… at peace🥹 (if only Sam were there… it would be home🥹😭💔)

Oh NO; normal teenage girl drama fight, meets highly trained traumatized assassins; this feels dangerous!!!

NOT FAERIE WINE AGAIN🤦‍♀️… wow if only Celaena had a nickel everytime someone tried TO POISON HER😅😱🫥

THE STOLEN RING DETAIL/CLUE

Celaena is giving Ahsoka vibes

THAT damned gloriella AGAIN

Her, seeing The Master trying desperately to save his son; doing what a good father should. Meanwhile in opposition her “father figure” Arobynn who was the one to first draw blood

“Wincing as blood from her face dripped to his white clothes” — “A pang of guilt at the sight of her blood staining Arobynn’s exquisite red carpet” — One my heart broke at these lines; she literally feels sorry for bleeding! Two the difference within the Master in white (unstained, untouched, pure) clothes and the Master with red (already red like blood) RED carpet; that she still feels sorry to bleed onto… it’s ALREADY red—he’s the one who drew blood—& yet she’s the one who feels guilty.

Is the foreign language he reads & speaks Wyrd?

SHE WAS NOT AFRAID!

… don’t tell me she gets back and Sam is a Courtesan (or some form of indenture) that’s going to require her gold & stop her from leaving😅PLEASE😅I HAVE A BAD FEELING ABOUT THIS😬

The note of the silent Master’s footsteps & lack of cruel punishment, in comparison to Arobynn’s fear invoking silence & unjust cruelty… the fear she feels just standing in front of him once again, feeling little again within minutes of coming back from months of near-freedom… barely a few pages in to The Assassin and the Underworld and I can tell it’s going to crush my heart — isn’t it?!

[mandyloves2read]

💔ARC REVIEW 💔

The Boy I Once Hated by Ivy Fox and C.R. Jane

Love And Hate Duet book 1

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Oh wow this was so good I devoured this story in one sitting! The angst hurt so good the hate was delicious and the pain was absolutely heartbreaking. I am not new to these two authors especially their co-writes the last one I read absolutely destroyed me I was in the hugest book slump after reading it lol and this one is no different there is just something about their writing that sucks you in and takes a hold of you and doesn’t let go till the very painful ending Noah and Skylars story is passionate it’s sweet and so god damn angsty it gave me all the feels and that shocking cliffhanger at the end man I can’t wait to see how they come back from that! Loved it ! Definitely one of my favorite reads of 2023 and I can’t wait for the continuation of this couple’s story in The Girl I Once Loved !

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BLURB

I've always heard there's a fine line between love and hate.

No one told me that line could destroy me.

Noah Fontaine.

King of the school.

My living nightmare.

The object of my fantasies.

My new stepbrother.

I did whatever it took to survive him.

Every day he took more of me.

I just didn’t expect him to take my heart.

Because of the boy I once hated, I'd never be the same girl again.

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[zepskies]

Omgg girl I'M so excited to see what you thought of Part 3! It's a bit slower than Part 2, but we've got some big emotional hurdles in this one... (loll mommy needs some you time. 💜💜)

I love this description btw Really painted a picture in my head 😍👏

Aww thank you so much! I went to Seattle a few years ago in the fall, and it was absolutely beautiful with the trees changing their colors and basically painting the ground with different colors. 💜

Ouch. That line probably haunted her afterward 😂🙈 (but I loved their banter! You can totally see they have a close and loving relationship 💕) And her dad's optimism and "fate" was so adorable ☺️

Oh definitely, poor thing. She's so very done with bears too. 😅 Aww I was hoping people would see that, even in this small glimpse of her and her dad's relationship. I always find it so adorable when dads are the bigger "sap" in the relationship. 😂

Ah, our boy entered work mode 🤓

Oh you BET loll!!

Oh God 🙈 No, I can't watch him leave alone. At least get Sam!!! Oh God, no, no, no, no... 🫣 I also realized in that moment why my readers are usually "from the same foxhole" because this is exactly what I can't do. Freaks me the fuck out and gives me so much anxiety. Like, I have to be there 😂 I don't know how you do it. Bravo, friend 😅👏

The tensiooooon loll.

Ooh that makes sense loll. For me I thrive in that angst for some reason. Like, making it through all the uncertainty and fear appeals to my hopeless romantic heart to have the battered hero eventually come home to the one he loves. 🥹💗

But yeah, she really shouldn't be going out there on a suss ankle in the middle of winter. 🫠🫠 (Also I'm saving that worried Ross gif LLOL)

Ooooh, btw, super interesting what you said about the bear meat! I figured something like this. They did wear bear fur, right? And I know people back then never wasted anything, so makes sense they'd eat the meat, too 😄

Ooh yeah I learned about that from watching modern survivalists talk about their experiences on Joe Rogan's podcast lmao. They literally eat the whole caribou, moose, etc. Cartilage and bone and all. 🤢 So it still goes on today, believe it or not! But oh yeah, when America was still being settled, for example, certain Native Americans tribes would trade with European settlers and American traders for furs.

I cackled 😂 Love her feistiness!

bahaha I'm glad you liked that little internal monologue. 😘

Aww 😭😭 Poor thing... 😢 (Loved how she explained not taking his room. While invasive, I think if Dean came back to this in his room, he would've melted 🫠🫶)

Honestly you're probably right loll. At first he'd be like "wtf?" But then he'd probably melt and smile ruefully/soft. 💕

I knew it was a long shot, especially when her father wasn't with Dean, but still breaks my heart for her 💔😢

Yeah I feel like we all knew it was headed here, but it was still heartbreaking for me to even write too. 😭💙

The anxiety is long forgotten. All is forgiven... *sighs dreamily* 😍😍

Ahaha that's what I hoped you'd say. 😏💓

Oh no, you come back here, young man!!! It wouldn't be Dean, though, without the "you can't date me, I'm dangerous and not good enough" freak out 😂

LOLL I imagine you grabbing him by his ear. 😂 But right? I feel like in any kind of canon setting, you have to deal with Dean's (lack of) self-worth, as well with his fear of being a danger to the ones he loves. 💙💙

Legit crying right now 😭😭😭 This is exactly why we always want what's best for him in fanfics. He deserves it so much 🥺

Honestly this is why I keep writing that "deal with your self-worth" stuff when it comes to Dean, because I really wished he could've found his happiness like Sam got in the end of S15. 😭

Love that little detail. Makes such a huge difference ❤️

Aw thank you!! That's one of those details I hope people notice when they read this chapter. 🥹

Oooooh, I so can't wait to read the finale now! This is absolutely amazing, Alex! It's got the right amount of angst and heartbreak, only to haul me back into this sweet cabin romanticism 😍🤍🤍🤍

I so hope you enjoy the final part, my friend!! 🥹🥹 This little series was so fun, especially to explore the omegaverse trope/world with some Alpha Dean, giving those post-S15 angsty feels. In a way, it's kind of a S15 fix-it fic. And idk if you remember, but our convo way back about spicy goodness in a cabin in front of the fireplace is more or less what inspired the next chapter (and the whole fic, really). 😂💜

Against the Wind - Part 3

Pairing: Alpha!Dean Winchester x F. Omega!Reader 

Summary: You wake up in a strange alpha’s cabin in the middle of a snowstorm, all with a busted ankle. He holds shadows in his eyes, even though his hands are gentle. There are iron shutters around his heart, even though he saved you. You might just save him in return.

AN: Merry Christmas! I'm dropping this chapter a day early for you guys. Now, here's the full story, and what Dean is going to do about it…

Jacklesverse Bingo24 Prompt: True Mates @jacklesversebingo

Song Inspo: “Against the Wind” by Bob Seger

Word Count: 3.8K

Tags/Warnings: 18+ only. Angst, mentions of blood, hint of spice.~

Series Masterlist || Bingo Masterlist

Part 3: Nothing Left to Burn

“We should start heading back,” you say, looking up at the mid-afternoon sky. It was starting to dip toward the top of the trees in the distance. “It’s going to take a couple of hours to get back before nightfall.”

“Yep, it’s about that time.” Your dad groans as he starts to haul himself back to his feet, where you two had been taking a rest against a tree. “Jesus, I need a new pair of knees. Help your old man, would ya?”

You smirk as you help the middle-aged alpha to his feet. His joints pop and his back cracks as he stretches his arms high.

“Damn, Dad. You’re creakier than the trees,” you quip.

He tosses you a wry look. “Just you wait. In a few years, after wrangling a couple of pups, you’re gonna feel my pain.”

“A few years?” you laugh. “Did I miss the part where I actually met a decent guy, let alone one worth mating?”

“Oh, you’ll find him,” your dad nods, slinging his rifle back over his shoulder. “Or he’ll find you, like your mother did with me.”

You follow his lead with your own rifle, falling into step with him through the forest clearing. It’s a beautiful day in late November. Already you can see the edge of frost on the shrubs and half-barren trees. The ground is littered with dead leaves painted in browns, oranges, and dappled with reds.

“You met her in college. It’s not like you guys defied fate,” you say.

“Yeah, but if she hadn’t walked into my psychology class by mistake, and stolen my latte at the campus café, maybe you wouldn’t be here,” he teases. 

You huff and roll your eyes. Yes, your parents are a walking cliché. And by far, your dad’s the bigger sap.

“I’m telling you. Sometimes, the universe does us a solid,” he says, reinforcing his point with a literal pointed finger your way. You push it away from your face in exasperation.

“You might wanna watch where you’re going,” you say, “before you roll your ankle on another pebble.”

“You kidding me?” he exclaims. “That thing was the size of my fist! You’re lucky I didn’t break an ankle. Make you carry me all the way back to the car.”

You snort. “Right. Think I’ll just leave you for the bears…”

You trail off when a sound reaches you and your father. The sound of leaves crunching in the underbrush, quick and light. Your father’s shoulders straighten with alertness, the alpha’s head cocking toward the sound.

“Maybe I spoke too soon about the bears,” you whisper. He shakes his head.

“Nah, too light. It’s probably an elk.” He tosses you a smile. “We’ll have one hell of a haul to bring home, plus a good story to tell your mom.”

Your mother, the vegan veterinarian?

“Yeah, because she loves elk meat.”

“Would you quit being a smartass for two minutes? You go a little west. I’ll see where it’s at,” he says.

He quietly wracks his rifle and steps away from the clearing, farther into the woods. You do what he says, veering west. You don’t see the elk, and soon enough, you don’t see your dad either. You do hear a whistling on the wind, and the cold of it cuts right through your coat.

Unease prickles down your spine, though you don’t know why.

“Dad?” you whisper-yell, trying not to spook whatever animal might be out there.

A gunshot rings out, along with your dad’s voice in a shout. Your eyes widen in alarm, and you call his name, taking off in a run to find him.

You end up rising over a hill you hadn’t crossed before, but you see your dad below; you recognize his bright blue puffer jacket that Mom got him for his birthday. You call his name, and he looks up at you with fear in his eyes.

Not for himself, but for you.

“Go, get out of here!” he shouts and waves you off.

“What? What is it?!” you yell.

He shakes his head, like he’s unable to answer your question. “Run! Run and don’t stop!”

He moves further into the denser trees until you can no longer make him out. With a frustrated huff, you sprint down the hill and try to follow his tracks with your gun at the ready. On the wind, in the distance, you still hear his voice.

Until it cuts off abruptly, along with the terrible cracking of bone.

You gasp and halt in your steps. What the fuck was that?

Tears fill your eyes and blur your vision. Despite what you heard, you realize just how very alone you are in the clearing. Fear and adrenaline make your breath tremulous and shallow, but you can’t just give up. You search for a while longer, making yourself hoarse calling out to your father.

No matter what direction you take, you never find him.

“I ran back to town to get the rangers,” you say, brushing a couple of stray tears from your cheeks. You sniff, licking your lips and swallowing a hard lump of emotion in your throat.

Dean continues to listen intently with his brows furrowed.

“It was too late,” you sigh. “He disappeared. They explained it away, thought a grizzly bear got him, but I know it wasn’t a damn bear.” 

You shake your head as the tears come harder and faster, all over again. Dean’s jaw clenches in sympathy.

“No one believed me about what I heard, not even my mom,” you confess. Your mother had been too distraught to entertain “anything else.” No matter how strongly you’d felt about your suspicions, you understood that she just wanted to put your father’s death behind her after his funeral. Part of you had stopped believing yourself. 

A stronger part of you hadn’t been able to let it go, however. So you had to come back here and try to find any trace of your father. 

When you finally run out of words, you see the proverbial gears turning in Dean’s eyes. 

“What’re you thinking?” you hazard to ask. You can’t help but reach out and grab at his wrist. “Do you…do you believe me?”

Dean’s gaze softens a fraction. He lays his larger hand over yours.

“Yeah, I do,” he says. “I’m willing to bet on what took him too.”

He squeezes your hand before he lets you go and gets up from his seat. He soon returns with his father’s journal in hand. He reclaims his spot across from you, sitting close to your thigh on the end of the chaise. His gaze falls away from your face to the journal in hand, and he flips it open to a page he knows from memory. You suck in a subtle breath to steel yourself when he turns it toward you—to the very page that had given you nightmares the first night you read it. 

Wendigo. 

“Nasty son of a bitch,” he says. “It hibernates for decades at a time, but when it surfaces, it knows how to get through long winters like this. It takes a handful of people at a time, feeding on its victims slow.”

You feel sick at that, but still, his words elicit a sliver of hope.

“So there’s a chance he could still be alive,” you say, in a brighter voice. Dean gives you a measured look, dragging a hand over his mouth.

“Look, I’m gonna be straight with you,” he says. “It’s been months, right?”

You nod, though you realize what he’s saying. Don’t get your hopes up.

“But there’s a chance,” you insist, with tears in your eyes. Dean holds your gaze for a moment, and he nods. He squeezes your knee this time, then shuts the journal with one hand as he moves to stand.

You follow him on your crutches over to the kitchen. He pulls out a drawer and retrieves a folded-up map. Tossing the journal on the kitchen counter, he opens up the map and lays it out flat next to the sink. It’s a map of the mountain, and the entire forest surrounding the mountain of Big Sky. Dean’s eyes flick up to yours.

“Where did it happen?”

Dean has packed up his supplies and put on his winter gear. You watch him from the living room sofa, trying to hide your unease. You know he’s doing this for you, but there’s part of you that doesn’t want to see him leave, for his own sake, and selfishly for yours.

“Try not to go outside again unless you absolutely friggin’ have to,” he warns. “And if you do, don’t go too far. Make sure you take a weapon, preferably a gun and a knife.”

“Dean, I know,” you reply. You get up and hover by the couch while he finishes lacing his snowshoes and hooks his backpack on. You’re unable to hide your concern.

“You shouldn’t be going out there alone,” you say. 

Dean tosses you a grin. It has the shade of how he was with you before the “journal” incident—self-assured, a hint teasing.

“Don’t worry. This isn’t exactly my first solo mission,” he says, though his devil-may-care attitude soon subsides into something more serious. “If I’m not back inside a week, you need to ration out the supplies here as best you can. That new meat in the fridge should last you a while.”

By new meat, you have to assume he means the bear.

“When you’re healed up, you can make your way down the mountain and back to town with that map I left for you. Kitchen counter,” he says.

Your frown worsens. You step closer to him with the pretense of closing and locking the front door for him after he leaves.

“Dean,” you say, stopping him at the door. He turns to look at you over his shoulder. You hesitate, fidgeting slightly, but you gain your courage.

“If you don’t come back, I’m going to find you,” you warn him.

Dean frowns. He turns to you fully and tilts his head as if to say, come again?

“No, you’re not, Omega. You understand me?”

His terseness doesn’t scare you anymore. You glare up at him, quite literally standing your ground.

“You didn’t leave me out there when you didn’t even know me. You think I’d do that to you?” you counter.

At that, Dean has to pause, tilting his head slightly. He almost smiles at your stubbornness, and just like that, his annoyance dissipates. It softens him, making him reach for your arm in an assuring squeeze.

“I appreciate the thought, but trust me. I’d rather you look out for you,” he says.

Right now, you don’t really give a shit about what he’d rather, but you don’t say so. It’s written across your face anyway. Dean’s mouth tugs at a smile.

“All right, I’m out,” he says. “Save me some of Yogi in there.”

You huff, but you shut the door behind him after he steps out onto the porch, down the steps, and beyond. You move to the living room window and watch him get farther and farther away from the cabin. 

Despite the crackling fireplace, you begin to feel cold inside. 

After the first three days, you’ve managed to clean the entire cabin, top to bottom. With the “new meat,” you make a large batch of soup to last you throughout the week. You freeze a couple of servings for Dean.

For when he gets back. 

You try to fill up your time in other ways, like attempting, and failing, and trying again more successfully to make bread from scratch. You haven’t binge-watched every season of The Great British Bake-Off for nothing.

Then you organize all of the alpha’s books by author. You wash all the laundry you can find and fold everything neatly on his bed, and you put away the couple of sweaters you’ve borrowed from him into your own dresser. 

On Day Four, you create a nest of pillows and blankets in the middle of the living room floor. In your anxiety, it’s a reflex you can’t help. Your initial instinct was to nest in his room, but you thought that was too invasive of his privacy, so the living room was your next best option. At least his scent is still somewhat imbued into his favorite chair, and around his records. (You do steal another shirt of his to sleep with though.)

On Day 8, your worry becomes a living thing. You pace the living room and the kitchen on your crutches, probably wearing down the wooden ends of them while you debate what to do. Despite what Dean told you to do if he didn’t get back, you know you’re not just going to leave him out there. But the reality is, you have a problem of mobility.

With a frustrated huff, you decide to try setting your problem foot down normally. Your ankle hurts, a sharp pain shooting up your calf and nearly sending you to the floor.

“Fuck!” you gasp, both in shock and aggravation.

You know this isn’t just a sprain. At best it could be a fracture, since no bone is protruding under the skin. It still means you shouldn’t go after him either. 

But you’ll have to try. 

After you manage to clamber back onto your feet using the crutches, you put together some supplies, including the extra med kit in case he’s hurt. (Or in case something happens to you while you’re out there.) This is a bad idea, you think, even as you heave on your jacket.

Then, you hear the sound of a lock turning, before the front door shoves open. 

A yelp of surprise escapes you, though you soon realize that it’s Dean, looking worn down and ragged, but alive. 

“Home, sweet home,” he says wryly, but he looks relieved to see you too.

You help him sink down onto the chaise, where he stretches out with a groan. He tips his head back on the cushion. His jacket is torn in a few places. Blood has dried on his cheek, his neck, and near his hairline, and you worry about where else he might be hurt. 

You quickly go to the kitchen and pour a bowl of warm water and grab a hand towel. You bring it all back to Dean, where you set your supplies on the floor and sit down beside him on the cushion.

“Are you okay?” You try to calm down your racing heart (and the nauseous feeling in your stomach) as you help him work open his jacket, followed by his shirt. Discreetly, your eyes take in the expanse of his tanned skin and pebbling nipples exposed to the cool air, even with the fire roaring nearby.

“Yeah, just peachy,” he says. 

You smile a little. You take the towel, dampen it, and begin to clear the blood from his cheek, his neck, and the upper part of his torso—even his scuffed hands. Then you squeegee out the blood in the bowl and continue your task. Dean subtly watches you, his gaze a bit softer than usual.

He eventually looks you over with a frown as he takes in the way you’re dressed, and then the backpack by the door. 

“What, about to go for a little afternoon stroll?” His sarcasm turns to annoyance. “Didn’t I tell you to stay put until you can actually walk?”

Your mouth flattens into a line, but any anger you might’ve felt is waylaid by your relief. It brings tears to your eyes. 

“I thought something happened to you,” you say.

Dean hesitates. Your hand has stilled on his chest. He softens a little more, grasping your hand in his larger one. 

“I’m fine,” he says. “The job’s done.”

Your eyes widen. “You found the…thing? The wendigo?”

His mouth pulls at a cocky grin, tempered only by his tiredness, and the way he’s looking at you. “Sure did. Tried to take a chunk outta my ass, but a little aerosol deodorant and a lighter’s all you need to barbecue that ugly son of a bitch.”

You smile in amusement, but all too soon, it fades.

“Did you find my dad?” you ask.

Dean’s expression sobers as well.

“Yeah, I think so.” His face gentles. “Was he wearing a blue puffer jacket?”

Your lips tremble. As that horrible realization dawns, you break down into tears. You already know from his tone that your father was dead when he found him. 

Dean guides you down to him by your shoulder and wraps his arms around you. You bury your face into his neck, and your body shakes with quiet sobs.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” he murmurs into your hair. “Believe me, I am.”

He holds you close, warm and secure. He allows you to stay there as long as you need, where you feel safe, even if this world has become a colder, darker place. 

After a few minutes longer, your intense sobs begin to subside. You don’t mean to, but you turn your nose into Dean’s neck, scenting him on reflex. It calms you down, but it has the unintended effect of arousing him. The alpha rumbles in pleasure. 

You blink in surprise and lean back enough to see his face. Dean’s lips press together as he looks down on you; he seems embarrassed, but you also see the heat reflected in his gaze, so intense in those forest greens. Your face begins to warm in a blush.

He brushes your cheek with his thumb, collecting your tears there. You glance down at his plush lips again, your own parting with a breath. His hand moves to cup your cheek, framing the side of your face. Please…

He finally drags you to him in a kiss. 

It’s heady and passionate, and also comforting. Your fingers wind into his hair, your nails scraping along his scalp. He growls as his arm tightens around your waist. You shiver in delight.

You press a hand to the center of his chest, giving you leverage to rise up and slide your thigh over his legs. There you sink into his lap. Your breasts pillow against his chest when you lay on top of him, your elbows digging into the cushion on either side of his head. His hands move down your body, feeling down your sides, squeezing your hips, and then your ass. You hum into his mouth and roll your hips into his. Already you feel him hardening through his jeans.  

But somehow he breaks away from your kiss, even though your hands are still in his hair. 

“Sorry…we can’t do this,” he says, with difficulty.

He sits upright and nearly makes you fall over in the process. He grabs your arm before you tip over, but he keeps himself at arm’s length from you after you’re forced to slide off his lap, sitting on the end of the chaise instead. Your eyes glisten with hurt and confusion. 

“Why?” is all you can ask.

He doesn’t want to answer. 

“Dean?” you ask, inching towards him. He raises a hand to keep you at bay.

“Just…it’s not a good idea, okay?” he says, with the clenching of his jaw.

That cuts into you even more. Your heart pulses with pain.

“Do you know what your scent is to me?” you ask, in a voice slightly trembling. You glance at the fireplace that has dimmed to embers. “It’s better than that fire at full blaze. Every time I went camping with my dad, that’s what I loved the most. Sitting by that fire, talking, laughing, and for the millionth time, telling the story of when I gave my sister micro bangs in her sleep when I was ten.”

You wipe a stray tear from your eye, but you respect the distance he’s put between you two.

“The second I met you, I knew what this was,” you say. “I think you know it too.”

Dean shakes his head. His face betrays his wariness, his desire, and his obstinance. 

“Look…even if that’s true, you don’t want this with me,” he says. His handsome face becomes marred by a frown, his brows knitting together. “I don’t even own this place. Besides my car, I ain’t got much of anything to give.”

You shake your head in dismay. “I know that’s not true.”

“I’m not bullshitting,” he says. “Listen…I’ve never had much. And what I did have, I found a way to lose. I’ve let my people down. Just about everyone I’ve ever…”

You can’t help but reach out a hand for him, your heart hurting, but he leans away, pressing himself back against the seat. It cuts even deeper into you; now though, you wonder if it’s because he feels the same gut feeling you do when he’s this close—close enough to touch, but almost afraid of the burn.

“They’ve been hurt, almost always because of me.” His voice shakes imperceptibly, with a wry, humorless turn of his lips. “So take it from me, sweetheart. You’ll wanna steer clear.”  

“Dean,” you say. You expel a breath, digesting his words, while thinking of what you want to say.

“I’ve never not felt safe with you,” you confess. “Even when I screwed up and drove you crazy, I’m sure, I knew you’d never hurt me. The same way I know…”

You reach out a tentative hand to lay in the center of his chest, over his heart. Your thumb brushes the edge of his strange tattoo, over the dark ink in his skin. 

“You’re my mate. My one, true mate in this world,” you say, meeting his eyes. “And I want to know you.”

You see inner conflict in the depths of Dean’s eyes, dark green and troubled. You take a chance and lean in, brushing your cheek against his, nuzzling, laying a soft kiss to his cheek. 

“Omega,” he warns, but the grit in his voice has little heat.

Or at least, it’s heat of a different kind, as his strong hands once again find your waist. They hold you still, but also hold you to him. Your gentle affection is making him ache, deep in the shadowy cavern of his chest. He’d never admit it, but loneliness had set in there, burrowed deep with a stronghold on his heart. Without knowing, you’ve been carving it out with those gentle hands. 

You now slide your hands up his chest and over his shoulders, warm palms on his skin. 

“Alpha, I want to know you,” you insist. Quiet, but steady, your voice is a mere brush of words near his ear, against his cheek. “Please.” 

Dean’s brows furrow as he briefly shuts his eyes tight. With your whispered plea, the brittle chain of his restraint finally snaps free. 

He cradles the back of your head and guides you back into a feverish kiss.

AN: Sorry to cut it off there lol, but the big (steamy) finale is coming up next week! Perhaps a little earlier than Friday. 😘

Next Time:

“Were you nesting, Omega?” he teases, between the sinful meetings of his lips with yours. You hum your affirmation before his tongue swipes across your lower lip, seeking entrance.

You open yourself to him in more ways than one; you slip your hands across his naked shoulders and explore the smooth planes of muscle, the dips and softness in between. You encourage him to lower down, to cover you with the length and broadness of his frame. His weight is a welcome one between your thighs and against the softness of your body.

“Was worried about you,” you whisper a confession against his lips. Dean briefly pauses, meeting your eyes.

“Thanks for waiting up,” he says, with a hint of a smile.

Your lips curve upwards in return.

▶️ Keep reading: Part 4 (Finale!)

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[itsstrange]

The Song

Fandom: Supernatural, The Boys

Relationship: Jensen Ackles x Reader

A/N: So this idea came to me right when I heard the song, I’m not joking it just came to my mind and I immediately thought about turning this into a fic. I debated on who it should be based on but Ackles was the only one I actually imagined in this so… hope y’all like it!

Also I wanna apologize in advance if this feels like it’s all over the place, I’ve never done something like this so sorry if it’s up and down, but other than that hope y’all like it!

Summary: Forgetting someone is never easy, especially when you still love them. So what’s a better way than to write a song about it.

Word Count: 2.8K

Warnings: (None) Heartbreak, Angst, Lots of It,

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Enjoy! 💔

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He had just finished filming and had just stepped into his trailer when he found out what the whole fuss was about it. The stares and side comments began around midnight, he didn’t think much about it, but as soon as the looks came his way his phone began buzzing in his pocket. After checking to see it wasn’t an important call he ignored the notifications like usual. If it wasn’t important than it can wait after work. However, once he got off from work he noticed the notifications upon notifications from Instagram, Twitter and variety of different people tagging him were displayed in front of his screen. Now normally, he’d just brush it off, thinking it was just fans tagging him to old pictures of him and the cast, fan art, or just edited videos fans have made of him, but what caught his attention was a tweet from Twitter.

Mentioned by @DeansPudding:

@(Y/U/N)‘s new song is definitely about @JensenAckles and everyone can fight me on this but y’all agree too!

Her name alone is what made him click on the notification without any hesitation, taking him directly to her tweet that she had shared a couple hours ago. Which only had a blue link on top with a ‘Out Now’ at the bottom of the link. Just as he was seconds away from clicking on the link, Jared sends him a message, only had a link as well before another message appears on top of his screen.

Jared:

Listen.

Is all the message said. And if he was being honest..he was starting to get nervous.

With new hesitation settling in his chest, his fingers hover over the link for a good minute or so. Inhaling deeply through his nose he taps on the link the same time he exhales out his mouth. His anxiety, nerves, settled in his chest as he waits for the YouTube app to open up, and his anxiety wasn’t getting any better the longer it took to start up.

Seriously, the internet had to crash now? Out of all days, it had to do it now?

As he was anxiously cursing at the internet he finally sees the screen turn into a black and white music video. His breath gets stuck in his throat when he sees her black figure on the screen, the camera slowly making its way to where she sat on a window seat with a guitar in her hands. Then before he knows it, a smooth, soft, RB&B guitar riff starts playing through his phone, invading his ear drums and feeling the way his chest tightens when he finally hears her beautiful voice singing the first verse of her song, immediately sending him back to two weeks ago as she shares her point of view.

******

‘Met your new girl at Johnny’s party.

I had to smile and say, “What Up”

They both sat on the couch with other friends, drinks in each other’s hands as they listened to Rob share some of his drunk stories when they were in Rome, and just having a good time when Jensen suddenly averts his eyes towards the kitchen when he hears people greeting each other, but what made him do a double take was her smiling and hugging Genevieve. His eyes not once leaving her frame, which catches Megan’s attention and notices the way his eyes are on her.

Now they were both staring at her greeting everyone with a smile, a smile he absolutely fell for, a smile he didn’t know he would miss even after months of being apart, but the more he stared at her, admired her smile from a distance that sinking feeling settling in his chest. Then feeling it drop down to the pit of his stomach when she finally meets his gaze.

He watches the way she stops dead in her tracks when she meets his eyes, then notices how she switches her eyes next to him, and only feeling the entire room become tense.

But knowing her too well, she does what she always does, she walks into the room with her head held high up and plastered another smile as she greets everyone in the room. After saving them for last, she finally makes her way towards them, same smile still on her face, but he can see through it, it wasn’t sincere. She hadn’t even reached him yet when he got up from the couch, dropping Megan’s hand from his lap in the process.

“Hey Jensen,” She softly greets him with that same, sad, pained smile,

One he shares as well.

“H-Hey…(Y/n),” He slightly winches from the way his voice sounds forced, but it was understandable right? He wasn’t expecting her to attend the party, from what friends told him she was supposed to be out on tour, not here, standing in front of him with the most painful smile,

Seconds felt like minutes—hours, as they silently stared at each other. Tension and awkwardness surrounding them as they stood face to face since their breakup. If it wasn’t for the music playing throughout the house, everyone in the damn house would have felt it. Luckily, she was the first to break it by averting her (E/c) eyes behind his shoulder.

“Hi, you must be Megan,” She says as she extends a respected hand for her to shake,

Even if she felt as if her skin was burning as she shakes the others hand and feeling the way that old wound begins tearing apart once again. It took everything inside of her to not break in front of them, but with the little strength she still had she fought through it and did her best to keep the smile on her face. Especially when she lets go of her hand and watches the way Megan wraps her hand on the inner part of his elbow.

Thankfully, she sees a couple more familiar faces behind them and uses that as an excuse to save her from the moment.

“Gonna go say hi. It was nice meeting you,” She widens her smile as much as she can as she stares at her then slightly drops it when she averts her gaze towards his green ones, “It was nice seeing you again Jensen,”

He slowly nods his head with a small, sad smile, “Yeah.. yeah you too,”

Smiling at them both once more she excuses herself and makes her way towards Briana and Ruth, not once looking back when she can still feel his eyes on her.

‘Then I ran my ass to the bathroom.

So I could cry about old love.

She stood in front of the mirror, hands gripping onto the sink as the tears spilled down her cheeks, staining them with eyeliner. After she had greeted the small circle of familiar people, she had excused herself, however, the moment she turned around to head towards the bathroom the tears had already started sliding down her cheeks, making her drop her face down to the floor, doing her best to avoid any looks as she quickly makes her way towards the bathroom. Not realizing how his eyes were watching her the whole way.

The moment she shut the door behind her and locked it, she couldn’t hold it in anymore. The pain that she thought she had healed from had came crashing down on her ten times harder as it did the first time and feeling the way a hand settles on her chest where the pain was. Soft broken sobs escaped from her as she leaned against the door, her other free hand reaching up to cover her mouth to prevent any other loud noises from slipping, even if music played outside the door she doesn’t know who can be walking by and catch a glimpse of a wail coming from the other side of the door. So, she covers her mouth as sobs after sobs pour out of her.

The pain in her heart was becoming unbearable to the point where she felt herself wanting to slide down the door and onto the ground, but gathering some strength she manages to push herself towards the sink, where she grips onto it and lets the tears fall down. She stays there for another minute, just letting the tears slip, letting everything she’s been holding for the past couple months out now, she needed it, until she began gathering herself. Closing her eyes she tries taking in deep breaths, but the moment she did an image of them two together flashes behind her eyes causing more pain and tears, but even then she still tries to control herself.

Inhaling deeply through her nose with eyes still closed, she exhales with a shudder. She does it a couple more times until the tears stop coming down, once she slightly controls herself she looks at herself through the mirror, observing her bloodshot eyes for a couple seconds before wiping away any makeup from underneath her eyes as she walks towards the door.

‘I came back in with makeup smudged up,

You caught me wipe it quick low-key,

And then you got this weak ass smile up on your face,

As if to say you’re sorry it couldn’t be me

Jensen was playing with the label of his beer bottle, not listening to the conversation that was around them, he was too lost in thought. He honestly couldn’t stop thinking of her, and he shouldn’t be with Megan next to him but he just couldn’t help to wonder how she was doing, if she really did move on and if he read her smile completely wrong. Because honestly, he hadn’t moved on, and that alone was bringing guilt up his chest. He didn’t know it until he actually saw her once again face to face.

As he was peeling the sticker from his bottle he glances up when Jared starts talking and adding on to the conversation, and that was when his eyes land back on her frame coming out of the restroom. His heart dropping, shattering at her state, and then having a small sad smile on his face when he watches her wipe away the smeared makeup from her under her eye.

She hasn’t moved on.

Making him feel some sort of relief but also pain to know she’s still hurting, even after all these months being apart, she was still hurting, and he honestly wished it wasn’t her who was hurting as much.

‘Wish I could be your friend,

And not hurt as so bad,

Wish I could be your friend,

And not hurt so bad, yeah

I search the room looking for solace,

You know whiskey always helps me,

Then we lock eyes as I start pouring,

Obviously, I’m not doing well,

But we can’t talk ‘cause it ain’t appropriate,

And she knows exactly who I am,

His green eyes follows her frame as she makes her through people, head slightly looking down to avoid anyones eyes, but still waves with a short smile at people who greet her. He watches her glancing around the room for couple seconds before she finally makes her way towards the kitchen. Standing behind the counter he observes her scanning the bottles in front of her, before she finally reaches out for a red cup and the Daniels bottle. Unscrewing the cap she begins pouring its brown liquid into her cup, then without meaning to she looks up, immediately locking eyes with him and feeling her body freezing when she finds him already staring at her.

She hadn’t realize it, she was too busy doing her best in keeping her red puffy eyes away from any else’s, but she didn’t realize how he has been watching her since she’s arrived. She also didn’t realize how he had already figured her out, he knew she wasn’t well, but what she didn’t know was how much it killed him that he couldn’t get up from his spot to go and speak to her, just the same she couldn’t walk up to him, it was killing them both without the other knowing.

‘She pulls you close and tells you maybe y’all should go,

And then she smiles at me,

She smiles because she can,

From the moment she had walked into the party, Megan felt the way the air around them instantly changed, and it was honestly difficult to breathe, at least that’s how she felt. Especially when she saw the way Jensen, her boyfriend of two months, couldn’t seem to avert his eyes away from her, everywhere she was, his eyes would follow, and it honestly tore at her heart, even more now when she had came out from the restroom with smudged makeup, letting her know she still hadn’t moved on and with a knowing feeling, she knew Jensen felt the same way. She didn’t want to, she really didn’t, but the way his whole expression switched and the way he couldn’t avert his eyes just made the feeling stronger.

So with a jealousy, angry heart she pulls him close to her and whispers into his ear, “We should start heading out,”

That finally made him drop his eyes from her to stare at Megan. He stared into her dark blue eyes for a couple seconds, and noticing then whatever he had felt for her was not there anymore, but with a hesitation he nods his head at her. She doesn’t say anything else, just switches her gaze to her and smiles, a smile that wasn’t real nor sincere. Then she makes her way towards everyone to give her farewells, while Jensen stood from his position, but again kept his eyes on her. Who took a big gulp from her drink before pouring another and leaving the kitchen, disappearing from his sight.

Jensen’s eyes drop to the ground, feeling that same old pain in the center of his chest when the memory of her leaving his door replayed in his mind, he should have gone after her, stopped her and should have begged her to stay, but he didn’t. He stayed back, and now he doesn’t have the privilege to go after her.

He lost it all that night.

*******

‘Wish I could be your friend,

And not hurt so bad,

Wish I could be your friend,

And not hurt, hurt so bad.’

Once the bridge starts coming to an end, the music video slowly starts fading into a black screen, but her raw voice humming the melody was still heard, until eventually that fades away as well. The moment it does, Jensen let’s out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding throughout the whole song, but he did notice the way it came out in a shaky way and also noticing how his hand, the one that was holding his phone was also trembling.

He honestly wasn’t expecting that. He’s heard various songs from her, has loved nearly most of them, but this… this was different. He knew she was never one to release a personal song, especially when it was intimate things like family members, or in other words, relationships, and now that she did it made him feel.. different. He honestly didn’t know what he was feeling at the moment other than… guilt, or was it pain? Was he hurting? Hurting at the fact that he knows he still fucking loves her?

Fuck. Jensen closes his eyes that have become a bit glossy, and covers his face with his hands, feeling the way the tears slowly slide down his cheeks at the knowing feeling in his heart. He still fucking loves her.

He always has, not once did he stop loving her, but it was too painful to remember their old love, so Jensen began dating again to push it aside and move on. At first it wouldn’t work, but after a while he told himself to believe it, and believe it he did. Until now, he understood it was all a lie to keep him from feeling the pain of loving her, but now that he knows she still feels something for him and hasn’t been able to move on, it gave some sort of hope, relief, and he wanted nothing more than to prove to her he still loves her the same way, but he couldn’t. He was still with Megan, or at least he thinks so, they haven’t spoken to each other for three days after some fight.

But he knew Megan wasn’t the one he’d rather have a fight with over small or big things, and in that moment he knew it was her. It was always her and with a shaky exhale, Jensen gets up from his seat and heads out his trailer with one thing in his mind.

He was going after her.

———————

-Hope y’all enjoyed this one! I certainly enjoyed writing this one.

-Ngl I finished this in under 2 days, so that proves that I was in the zone for this one lol.

-Anyways make sure to Turn On Post Notifications!! 🔔 For more updates!!

And Uhhhh….. Part 2???

———————

[qingxintea]

heartbreak avenue (5)

on heartbreak avenue with albedo

gender neutral reader

https://qingxintea.tumblr.com/post/646961954411446272/heartbreak-avenue-2 i’ll hyperlink the rest later LOL

- albedo didn’t keep his promise.

- that “next time” he talked about, where he would bring you back… he didn’t. (hey! y/n, look at me. this isn’t you. this isn’t the y/n we all know and love. i can change you. OH YEAH? WELL I CAN ACCEPT THEM FOR WHO THEY ARE 🤬🤬)

- instead, he had let that friend of yours take you away as she said a couple things he took to heart.

- “y/n left for a reason.”

- that’s right. the only reason why he’s been chasing after you was because your encounter in mondstadt where you had abandoned everything

- though his thinking at the moment was rushed and unclear, he still remembers everything you said about your old self?

- it’s been slowly clicking in overtime- he hasn’t had enough time to process it really

- recalling your conversation with the butterfly girl- what was her name? ah, hu tao

- you had mentioned someone you helped at the expense of your feelings for him

- the letter you had responded with mentioning that you would go to any extent to help, and all those advice pieces … are really making their self clear right now

- generally, you liked him- for awhile now. but sucrose did too, and so you helped her with her journey instead. never acknowledging about how you felt

- he buried his head in his hands, questioning himself as to why he couldn’t draw it earlier.

- so now he knows, but what can he do..?

- it’s likely that you no longer have feelings for him and that liyue is your safe place you’d never leave :c

- and to be honest, who could blame you? your case is perfectly reasonable.

- he sighs and resumes his self destructive habitual studies and escapes into a distraction again.

~~

- “they go by the name of astral. an unknown organization that just appeared recently, no one knows if they’re good or bad. be on the lookout, yeah?”

- albedo merely nodded to the traveler, lost in his thoughts once again . it wouldn’t really bother him anyway until they caused an ordeal in mondstadt

- “..i knew you’d be uninterested. i just heard that… ah, nevermind. it’s probably untrue. continue on with your day then,” they smiled kindly and walked away

- …heard what?

- oh well, it was probably best to listen to them. by some extreme coincidence, the information provided may seem useful to him

- but genuinely, the truth was that he needed to take his mind off of you.

~~ time skip 🙈🙈🫀☹️☹️🤔💔

- the sound of running footsteps caught the alchemists attention

- mans was still in his labs conducting more experiments

- looks up, it’s traveler rushing ???? yikes

- “albedo .. it’s them. it’s y/n but… but - they’re different . please .. you have to see them” vv out of breath

- they point over to angels share frantically as they try to catch their breath in very feeble attempts. was it that urgent?

- i mean it was you. of course it was.

- he nods along and follows traveler back to the scene of crime or something

- it’s empty as hell and everyone has flooded away- besides two people

- you and diluc (CANON)

- except there’s a glowy red floaty ball in your hand and diluc looks extremely drained

- ketchup whitie collapses and you blow the ball thingy into the air and it traveled to the right before it’s gone

- “he really didn’t have to make it that difficult,” you tiredly mused, blinking slowly. you rested him against a wall bc ur too nice and it shows. literally the point of this whole series

- you finally turn around to meet their eyes, but it lingers on his a little bit longer.

- “oh… you.”

- traveler was about to say something in a moment of panic, but your eyes glowed vibrantly and they too, had fainted

- “i’m going to make it easy on you. you look tired,” you bluntly communicated to albedo. you snapped your fingers, then two of the same styled orbs manifested of energy came from their chests and onto your hand, in green and yellow

- you blew them away and they went the same direction, before once again, disappearing.

- “…of course, i’m going to need you to fall asleep.” the mere command from your voice alone somehow tranced him into a drowsy state, having him collapse as well

- you sighed exhaustedly, then healed them of their injuries??? commitment issues fr (kinnie moment)

- placed a small note in albedos hands before you left

“(+3) 21-8-20-24-23-24-9-21-24-18-10-17-12-7-4-21-23-16-12”

- then, without waiting a second longer, you left without a trace.

—

AND YES THE NOTE TRANSLATES KNTO SOMETHONG but there might be an error in there (very unlikely but yk) 🧑‍⚖️🧑‍⚖️ if u decode it oops major leak of story LOL

anyways i’ve been dropping a lot of hints relating to the reader but idk if y’all have picked up on it .. but the next part you definitely will

thank u for reading <3

[dreamwritesimagines]

Dreamgirl you never miss! Oh god!

Ok first things first, how’ve you been my girl?

Secondly, wow that was INTENSE! Clover is like so so so relatable, I get her 100%. I love that she’s a bit dramatic also. And Ben… ❤️ Their dynamic is everything!

I think Enamored!Anthony by the end of the series gave GoS!Ben the GPS he used to track Chérie with… 🤣 Now Ben is using it with Clover because wow the man doesn’t miss a single chance to be near her!

Also since I brought up Enamored I couldn’t help but notice how different the greenhouse scenes were. One was everything we wanted, fluffy, bit spicy… as the other was just heartbreaking. It’s interesting how even though she set all this plan for herself, even though she thinks all marriages are toxic like that, she’s hurt because of this prospect. Like even though reality sometimes suck and we accept it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. She’s just representing her feelings.

I just wanna wrap Clover in a blanket and protect her tbh, I’m sure Ben feels the same 😌

Anyway you nailed it, as always. I love you and I can’t wait for the next one! ❤️

Gab my loveeee, hi! 🥰❤️I'm good, how about you? ❤️

Aaaaa it's so nice to hear that she's relatable! 😱🥰❤️ She and Benedict are complete opposites and I love their dynamic so much! 😂❤️

I think Enamored!Anthony by the end of the series gave GoS!Ben the GPS he used to track Chérie with I AM DYING AT THIS OMG-

It is so trueeeee! 😂

Wait wait I was literally thinking the same thing about the greenhouse scenes! 😱❤️ While I was writing this chapter's scene, I was like "This is so so different than Enamored's greenhouse scene" because yesssss you're absolutely right! ❤️ Enamored greenhouse scene was like all fluffy and playful and a little spicy and this chapter's greenhouse scene was like...it was an important scene to understand Clover's character and background but it was a bit sad, nothing like Enamored greenhouse ❤️

That's a great point! Clover has a very pessimistic view when it comes to marriage and her future in general and she genuinely believes that's how things will go, but it doesn't make it any easier for her, she's still absolutely terrified of it 💔

Benedict totally feels the sameeee! ❤️

Awww thank you so much for this, you're so sweet my love! ❤️❤️❤️

[imagining-in-the-margins]

Forbidden Fruit 💔 (S.R.)

Summary: Professor Reid takes a bite of the forbidden fruit in the form of his student, and promptly learns why Adam choked on it. Couple: Spencer Reid/Fem!Reader Category: Angst (heartbreaking ending) Content Warning: Unhappy ending, pining, age difference, professor/student, vague allusions to sex/motherhood, unrequited love Word Count: 4.4k

MASTERLIST

There are many theories about where the Garden of Eden was located, assuming that it actually existed in this realm at all. My logical mind told me that it was most likely located in what we now call the Middle East based on several indicators in both the Biblical and Quranic narrative.

However, as I stood at the front of my classroom, staring down at a girl with an extended hand and a smile that rivaled the sun, I felt strongly that I had located the garden in the middle of Washington, DC.

I could lie and say there was nothing special about her, but it would be a disservice. The truth was that every aspect of her was special. She was unique in both her simplicity and complexity. It was the way she smiled without ever losing the depths hidden in her eyes. I didn’t fall in love with her at first sight because I don’t believe such a thing exists. Instead, I fell for her slowly, cautiously, and with full resistance to the idea.

I didn’t want to fall in love with her. I shouldn’t have fallen in love with her.

But I did.

There are many theories about what the forbidden fruit was, assuming that it is something we would be able to recognize. As a researcher and scientist, I’ve always found vague historical references to be thrilling. After all, the answer is in the past, and we’ll likely never know for certain.

But if I can’t know the truth, how could I compare it to her? As the days went on, the urge to deify her grew stronger. I couldn’t tell if the way lights haloed around her was a delusion or exhaustion or just plain love, but I couldn’t look away. Each time she approached me, my mind latched on to a theory of the forbidden fruit. Whether they were cautionary reminders or twisted expressions of an unhealthy obsession with a girl who would certainly never feel the same, I indulged in those theories.

Here is what I found.

Apple:

There is no theory more iconic than that of the apple plucked from the tree. It’s so entwined in our understanding of the world and human nature that we named a piece of our anatomy after it.

The Adam’s Apple, they say, was created by man’s indulgence in the forbidden fruit. His body had simply rejected what it was never meant to have, lodging in his throat and choking him for the rest of his days.

I often felt like that when she was around; like I was suffocating and choking on things left unsaid. Some days I swore one wrong move would dislodge the reminder from my throat, leaving me spilling my heart out to someone who didn’t have the capability nor willingness to give it back.

An apple seemed a fitting fruit for her, considering the multitudes of nuances in flavor and color. Complex was a good way to describe her. But still, it was difficult to imagine a world where she could ever be sour.

Banana: 

Because she was sweet. The smell of her perfume stuck to the roof of my mouth, the residue on the sides of my lips caramelizing as my whole face burned from my thoughts of her.

She was bright and soft and a symbol for better days. The curve of the fruit reminded me of the one often found on her lips. I couldn’t decide, though, if she reminded me of the banana because she shared the color with the tropical sun needed for it to thrive.

Perhaps this fruit was too fragile. She didn’t strike me as someone who would spoil so easily.

Fig:

By contrast, she very much resembled the hardy, ornamental fig. I don’t mean to say that she was only beautiful— she was so much more than that. There is no shortage of references to or depictions of figs in religious texts.

Most notably, they are often linked to female sexuality and, more specifically, fertility. But I couldn’t allow myself to follow that thought very far, for my own sanity. Although I could easily and vividly imagine her as a mother, it seemed downright villainous to imagine anyone desecrating something so seemingly innocent.

Grape:

What would she be like when she was older, though? I had to wonder if she would grow sweeter with maturation like the grapes harvested off the vine. They had such duality; a symbol of inner transformation on one spectrum and debauchery on the other.

I hadn’t indulged in alcohol in several years, but every day I saw her, I was absolutely drunk on her. I should have known better. It was foolish to assume that she wouldn’t be equally addicting.

Mushroom:

Intoxication, it seemed, was a theme among the religious scholars.

And like eating from Amanita muscaria, I see visions when I touch her. They are so vivid they almost feel real. Although in reality our hands barely touched, I could feel her fingers winding between mine and pulling me closer to her. Her laughter is even more enchanting, the sound surrounding me in an embrace much like the one that I would find in her arms.

When I looked at her lips, I felt them on my jaw. Try as I might to move them just centimeters over, they never seemed to land on my lips. I theorized that it was because my mind knew that it would never get it exactly right. And if it did, I would never get that feeling out of my mind.

I couldn’t kiss her, even in a vision, because my mind knew that I would never return from it. 

Pomegranate:

Maybe that’s why she was more like a pomegranate, the infamous fruit that trapped the goddess Persephone to Hades for winter each year. But in that condemnation, she would reign as Queen. It made sense, then, why the calyx is shaped as a crown.

Persephone’s disposition is often considered well mirrored in the blood colored fruit, which was both sweet and numerous in its seeds. My Persephone was very much the same. Every interaction, every word, every glance, took root inside of me. I could only hope that the myths that determined it a symbol of good luck were truer than those that said it signaled an end.

Wheat:

The queen of hell was also the goddess of grain, a botanical berry that not many would consider a fruit. It is the same type of fruit, in fact, as the one I began my study with. It seemed fitting, to end on something as simple and subversive as wheat.

In the traditional Hebrew, they refer to it as khitah, which many consider to be a pun on the word “khet,” meaning “sin.” It couldn’t be that she was the sin; it just wouldn’t be fair to describe her in such a way.

No, she was sinful in the way my heart wanted to indulge in her the same way our bodies crave the carbohydrates that the diet industry has deemed evil. She wasn’t evil, though.

I was.

I was the one who took a woman who was just trying to get by and made her complicit in all of my fantasies. Was it wrong, though, if she never knew? Because I couldn’t tell her. Not just because there would never be a right time or place, but because a rejection from her very well might kill me.

Then again, wasn’t that the point of the forbidden fruit?

The end of the semester came too soon, but how could it not? The closer I got to the last day I would see her sleepy-faced yet dutifully following along with my words, the faster time seemed to move. I wished I could slow it down, to cherish those last few moments knowing that the last time she walked out my door would also have to be the last day I ever saw her.

It should have been the last day I ever thought of her, but that was never going to happen. It was always just pathetic wishful thinking. Logically I knew that she would haunt my waking dreams until my heart could find some other poor woman to fixate on.

Still, when the day did come, I found myself staring at the bright red exit sign hanging above the door more so than I looked at her. In a few weeks she would graduate and move on to do wonderful things with her life. She deserved to do that without having to deal with the professor who fell for her when she did nothing at all.

But as I got off the metro that day I was filled with the most crushing, overwhelming guilt. It was the kind that burned my throat and bit my tongue. I couldn’t tell where it had come from. Because as much as I wanted the sadness to be a result of me coming to my senses and accepting my imagined loss, I couldn’t ignore the loud voice screaming in my head that the true mistake had been never telling her the truth.

It didn’t matter anymore, though. That was what I repeated to myself, over and over again until I would hopefully listen. I reminded myself of the vastness of the universe, the billions of other people on this Earth and the infinite number of possibilities for the rest of my life.

If we were meant to be, it surely would have happened by now.

Right?

The streetlights reflected in the puddles of rain from the night before. Even that reminded me of her, with the fluorescent bulbs spreading across the almost imperceptible smog of the city. The white light lit my path much like her smile had led me through some of the worst months of my life. And suddenly that was all I could think of, my mind fixating on the memories of her laughing until I could almost hear them.

Until I could see her, standing in front of me in the center of a busy downtown, chewing idly on her nail and staring at her phone.

“Shit,” she muttered. Her voice cut through the noise, enchanting me for a moment too long. She must have felt my eyes on her, because before I could call her name, her head tilted to the side to spot me standing like an idiot in the middle of the sidewalk.

“Professor!” she cheerily shouted, waving me over with a less than graceful hand that I felt compelled to follow, anyway, “What are you doing here?”

“Uh... I live around here,” I eloquently replied.

“Oh. That makes sense.”

Silence stretched between us again, her eyes nervously dancing between me and the screen until she eventually broke into a fit of soft, melodious laughter.

“What’s so funny?”

She shrugged, cringing a bit before she explained, “I just had this idea that you were here to save me.”

“Save you?” I asked with my own nervous laughter. I wondered if she could tell that’s what it was, or if she really was none the wiser of how much she affected me. “Save you from what?” I enunciated clearly, still terrified of what she might interpret in my trembling voice.

“You know. Life in general.”

I didn’t know. Not really, anyway. She’d shared a bit of her life with me in the occasional office hours or student gatherings outside of class, but never enough for me to build a completely accurate profile of her current mental state. And, to some extent, that was by my design.

The more I knew about her, the deeper in love with her I would fall. That had never been clearer than it was in that moment, because before I could come up with a response, her ankle rolled in her heels, sending her stumbling over straight into my arms.

“A-Are you okay?” I asked while trying to get her back on her feet while also cherishing the way her warmth soaked straight through my jacket and burned my skin, “Are you… with someone?”

Please say no, I thought before I corrected myself.

She deserved to be happy, and she wouldn’t be with me.

“Uh, yeah… People,” she mumbled. Her eyes continued to dart around her surroundings, which apparently yielded nothing helpful based on her heavy sigh. “I’m trying to find my way back to this girl’s place but DC’s layout is insanely complicated.”

“Do you need help?” I made the offer without thinking. If I’d thought about it for literally any period of time, I would have realized what a terrible idea it was. Because helping her meant dragging out the inevitable goodbye — it meant more chances for me to fall helplessly in love with her and gather more evidence for why I should never allow myself to forget her.

Luckily for my sanity, she seemed to recognize my discomfort and offered me another chance out.

“Honestly, I think I might just grab an Uber and go home,” she offered.

But, as before, my damned mouth spoke quicker than my mind could work.

“Don’t you live like 30 minutes away?”

Her mouth curled into a confused pout, her brows raising and alerting me that I’d said something unbelievably stupid. There was nothing quite as unsettling as a man knowing where you live when you hadn’t expressly told him. But in my defense, she sort of had.

“Sorry, you… mentioned it in class once,” I said with a similar confused grimace.

“Right. Eidetic memory thing,” she replied, the tension melting from her and being replaced with something else. I couldn’t tell if it was just wishful thinking, but she seemed relieved and a little… embarrassed?

“Yeah. Thirty minutes isn’t that bad. I’ve taken longer Ubers.”

I don’t know what overcame me, but the second she snuck her bottom lip between her teeth, my composure broke. Every deafening alarm bell in my mind silenced. I was only able to focus on the sound of her shaky breath as she pulled her jacket tighter around herself.

“Why don’t I just drive you?”

After a few slow blinks, she responded with a slow, “What?”

“I’m sorry if that’s inappropriate!” I damn near shouted, my tongue tripping over itself as I continued in my reckless stupidity, “I just… really don’t like the idea of you—“

I stopped myself in the middle of the word, but she’d already caught it. “The idea o-of one of my…. students drunk and alone with a stranger in their car for that long.”

Still chewing on her bottom lip, she inspected my increasingly uncomfortable body language that was practically screaming out every insecurity into the city. It should have made me even more panicked, but per usual, her presence had some sort of paradoxical effect on me. Despite being the object of my affections and the cause of my anxieties, I found myself calming down the longer I got lost in those wide doe-eyes.

“It’s a hazard of my job,” I mumbled at the same time she answered, “Oh, um… Yeah, sure.”

Then we both just stared at each other, processing the overlapping words. She had a lopsided smile that I tried not to read into as she repeated, “Sure, you can take me home, Professor.”

The butterflies bursting through my stomach were not at all welcome, but they swarmed away, nonetheless. It was a sentence I’d never heard her say. I’d never really expected to hear it, either. But it didn’t mean what it did in my fantasies, anyway.

I was taking her home so she would be safe. Away from crooked, idiotic, selfish men that didn’t deserve her presence.

If only she knew.

I cleared my throat and the thought from my mind before I gestured down the street. “We have to go to my apartment first.”

“Why?”

“To… get my car,” I chuckled, narrowing my eyes at her as I watched the embarrassment cover her cheeks. I wonder what thoughts were running through her mind, and if they at all reflected mine.

Because the truth was, my thoughts weren’t actually nefarious. They were so remarkably domestic that it almost seemed worse than base, animalistic instincts. They were too intimate. Dangerous. Wrong.

“Right. That makes sense,” she giggled, a warm smile blooming over her face to ward away the darkness of the night and my own thoughts.

That brief little song of her joy carried us through the streets. It felt so natural, so right to have her walking by my side that I had to keep my hands in my pockets to keep them from locking with hers. But eventually, after a few too-close-trips, she’d linked her arm with mine without even needing to ask.

Once we’d gotten to the car, we fell into a surprisingly comfortable quiet. She moved so freely in my space, tuning the radio and curling into the passenger seat in a way I would’ve normally warned against. It wasn’t the safest way for her to sit, but I couldn’t bring myself to correct the behavior when it meant she wouldn’t be looking at me anymore.

The drive to her apartment was too quick, time speeding up in her presence once again. Except this time, I could’ve sworn she felt it, too. Her steps to her front porch were so tiny and cautious, despite her arm finding its way in mine again.

But then we were at our destination. We were at our final goodbye.

Her arm slipped from mine one last time. On the way out, her fingers lingered against my arm until they couldn’t reach any longer. I didn’t move my hands, scared that they might betray me if I removed them before her door shut.

“Goodnight, (y/n),” I whispered, flashing one last bittersweet smile before I let her leave my sight.

For a few heartbreaking seconds, I listened to the nothingness taking over my body that was left colder without her pressed against my side.

Then it happened.

“Hey, Professor?” she called.

My body was already waiting for it, spinning back around with a much-too-quick reply.

“Yeah?”

“Thanks. For bringing me all the way here.” Her arms were still crossed over her chest, but she stepped closer to me. I saw her hand twitch, almost like she was stopping it from reaching out as she managed to mutter a quiet, “That was very kind of you.”

“Yeah, of course. I just wanted to make sure you got home safe.”

Please, don’t let me leave, I begged her, my feet continuing to shuffle closer and my heart pulling me forward with every beat. I’m not ready to say goodbye.

“As a student?” she asked with what I assumed was sarcasm. I’d never been very good at detecting it, but the smirk on her face usually accompanied a joke. I didn’t always understand those either, but I always knew when to laugh.

This only sort of felt like one of those times. So, I settled for a subtle smile and a chuckle as I nodded slowly, “… Yeah, as a student.”

She waited, her hands finally falling from her chest. I could see her calculating something, the gears turning over in her eyes that flickered between my hands and my eyes. Eventually, her hands followed. Slowly but surely, she smoothed her hands over the thin fabric of my jacket sleeves.

My breath caught in my throat, but she didn’t stop. If anything, her hands grew more insistent and her body drew even closer.

“Are you sure?” she asked. I barely heard it over the rushing of blood and the frantic, irregular beating of my heart.

Was I sure of what? I was sure of many things. Most notably, I was absolutely, positively certain that I wanted to make her happy. I wanted to give her the answer she wanted, even if it was a lie. I wanted her to get the closure she deserved, to move on and leave me behind so she could do everything she was meant to do.

But those words never came. I stood there, stuck longing and hurting and hoping for her to do something so I could give her what she deserved.

And then, as she grew tired of that chaotic silence, she replaced the words I refused to say with her own lips. Her hands slid over my shoulder and my body gave into her with a swift, almost unbearable relief.

She was the forbidden fruit, and I was just a man.

Her kiss was shy and clumsy despite her being the one to initiate it. It was exactly how I’d always imagined, although in my fantasies my hands were warmer. When they came to cup her cheeks, I was honestly worried that the chill might make the flushing fade.

But it didn’t. Although she let out a tiny, almost imperceptible gasp at my frozen fingers, her lips curled into a smile seconds later. My heart felt like it would burst when her tongue slid over my bottom lip.

I let the bitter sting of the liquor on her tongue serve as a reminder of just how dangerous it was for me to indulge in her. A reminder that I would ignore, pulling her even closer and kissing her even harder and hoping that it might leave an impression even after I was gone.

There were so many words to try and describe the experience, but none would ever be enough. As I ran through hundreds of thousands of options to try and explain how it felt, her hands grabbed hold of my coat.

Then, the only word to describe it was: over.

It was over.

I didn’t open my eyes at first. I was too scared of what I would find when I did. I heard her labored breathing, and I felt her hands leave me. Begrudgingly, I let mine fall, too.

But when she started to take a step back, I couldn’t stop myself any longer. Those hands that had been itching to hold her all night had gotten a taste, and now I was lost in the most unbearable yearning I’d ever felt in my life. I grabbed hold of her wrists, stopping her from leaving with a grip just tight enough to communicate how strongly I felt.

“I’m in love with you,” I blurted out. I wanted it to be more graceful, but it was never going to be. When you felt something as much as I felt those five words, there was no controlling them.

With a confused shock, she just sort of… stared. Lost yet amused, she started to giggle again as she said, “Very funny, Professor.”

There was no controlling it. No matter how much my self-preservation screamed at me to stop, my heart had already started on its tirade. My lips happily followed as I poured my heart out to that poor girl who still managed to smile.

“No, I mean it— I-I’m in love with you. I know, I know that sounds ridiculous, and that it isn’t right for me to feel this way, let alone tell you but I just…”

When I paused to take a breath, I felt her hands turn over under my grip. It was the only thing distracting me from the way her eyes had started to glisten under the yellow porch light. Once I’d caught that glimmer, my traitorous mouth started to urge her again.

“You are so beautiful. It physically hurts when I look at you because I know that you would never want to be with me, and it’s unfair and stupid but looking away seems just as painful a-and reckless. Every day I’m surrounded by so much darkness and hate,” I said with a crackling voice and tears in my eyes to match hers, “You are the only thing I’ve ever looked at that was never either of those things.”

After I managed to stop my tongue for a moment, I noticed the way she trembled. Her whole body shook with breath and resistance in tensed muscles. But for some reason, she didn’t look upset.

She was… Scared.

“Please… I—“

Her hand shot up, covering my lips before they could say any other regrettable things. With a crooked smile still hanging on her cheeks, she leaned forward until she could press her forehead against mine.

“Shhh,” she hushed, turning her hands to grab hold of mine and pull me close like we had been before. Her eyes stayed shut, and I eventually followed suit.

I almost didn’t feel her lips as they brushed against mine again. The feeling was faint and delicate, but enough for my body to follow.

When I couldn’t find her again, though, I finally managed to whisper, “Why?”

“You know why,” she answered almost immediately. But then she paused, taking a sharp inhale that was mostly a mixture of our shared breath.

We listened to the sounds of crickets and frantic heartbeats punctuated with her quiet, staticky voice saying, “It sucks, you know?”

I opened my eyes when I asked, “What?”

She quickly followed suit, staring so intently that I swore she could read my mind. She could see all the imagined futures and fantasies and feelings that I’d tried to keep from her. They spilled out between us like there was a hole in my heart.

It felt like that, too.

“If only one of us had been born just a little bit different,” she said with a weak, bitter laugh, “We really could’ve been something.”

Before the words were even processed, she was gone. Her body left mine so fast that I was left wondering if she’d ever even touched me at all. Her eyes never left me, though, even as I stumbled forward in the dark and implicitly begged her not to let me leave.

But that was the thing about the forbidden fruit, wasn’t it? It was never meant to last. It was an indulgence that was to be swiftly and powerfully punished. It was a delectable, irresistible sin that left Adam choking for eternity.

It was her, finally opening her door and retreating back to the garden she came from, and where I would never be allowed again.

“Bye, Spen—” she started quietly before quickly correcting herself. “Bye, Professor.”

(Tell me what you thought of this fic here!)

[emotionalmusicplaying]

Hi byler family!

I've just finished watching st4 vol.2 so that means that I've officially finished the whole season 4 and I'd love to share with you some thoughts I have... like both byler and general thoughts and ideas

Warning ⚠️ ⚠️ spoilers ahead

I'll start with my overall impressions :

St4 made me a bit disappointed... not only about byler stuff but in general... I don't know what did I expect, but I really do feel disappointed

Eddie💔 that's so heartbreaking that newly introduced and truly good character died in the same season that he was introduced 😢 however, his death was spectacular and in his style... I feel like he deserved way better

I'm happy Hop and Joyce are back and safe... but what happened to MURRAY, ENZO and MURRAY? I can only assume that they are still alive and minding their own businesses rn..

I feel sorry for Dr Owens... he was such a nice guy in my opinion;(

While whole season 3 was loaded with retro vibes and retro stuff I completely didn't feel the same vibes with s4... I know that the circumstances and action and basically everything was different but it is really seen that st4 is much more focused on action than background

The way Vecna kills people is really terrifying and horror like

I feel sorry for Robin because of her crush... after all, in the final scene they talk and something starts to sparkle between them... but still, my heart broke apart when I saw that girl kissing another boy

I hoped for Steddie and Ronance in my deepest dreams and I feel kinda disappointed rn hahah But we still have such wonderful stuff like fanarts and fanfics and the most important- our imagination!

I felt very confused about Stancy but I'm glad that Jancy is ultimately back- I feel kind of sorry for Steve.. but this whole thing with Nancy was really necessary for him to grow up I think

Suzie storyline was funny, you can't tell it wasn't! It was really minor element of the whole story but it was really cool to see Suzie again!

To be honest... I wasn't that much surprised with the ending of volume 1... I expected that Vecna is 001 as I've read about it here, on tumblr, even before the first s4 trailer was released so yeah... I also expected that this blonde assistant was 001 so it wasn't unexpected for me!

We can't trust the Duffers cause they say different things and do different things... to be honest, they irritate me a bit hahah

The issue with Will's birthday is still unsolved... I mean the Duffers like said that they forgot about it but it seems really improbable and without any sense to me that they put a date description on the video.. and also the fact that Will's birthday are the only one certain and official birthday!

That whole issue with the upside down creation is much more interesting to me now! Yeah, El opened the gate two times. However, she didn't create the Upside down- she only opened the gate.. so how was the Upside down created then?

Another veery interesting topic is the Will's connection with Henry and the whole Upside down.. I'd love to read some more updated theories about it!

And the most confusing for me was the ending of the whole season 4 and the issue with Max... is she still alive if the gate was opened at the end of s4? Also that scene where El tried to find her and communicate with her in the void but didn't manage to... I have sort of a feeling that this was just a trial of an artificial sustaining of the Hawkins peace and calm... bringing Max back and her being stuck in a coma was temporary just to let people escape from Hawkins and then again she dies and the gate is being opened again as we can see in the last scene of s4..

I'll make some comments about s4 byler in the another post... see you soon!