#dies it’s 3:30am thank god i only have one class in the evening

[looking-to-rattle-the-stars]

silly little thought for the night is when edyn would visit gillion she’d put little braids in his hair like the ones where you have 2 braids that tie together in the back like a less intense crown braid or whatever and then gillion would put edyns hair into a messy 3 strand braid because he’s doing his best and they would get little bits of seaweed to braid and put on pretzels head so she could be included 😌 n they both got big happy smiles on n share little giggles because yeah ough the tidestrider siblings my beloveds

[llazyneiph]

its been a busy fuckin week for this mod my ladz!!! i thought i would just give an end of week run down how everything is going, everything added so far and my to do list! also discord!!! and patreon!!! but i’ll talk abt that after this!! a general run down if u dnt know what this wip mod is:

The Royalty Mod gives your sims the opportunity to being the reigning Monarch of your game. They have the chance to become a Beloved Ruler or a Despised Tyrant (and will be treated as such!) They will be completely in control of a custom tax system, will the be benevolent and keep the taxes low or be greedy and fill their coffers with their subject’s simoleans? Be careful though, your actions will affect your citizens and their views of you! Your Monarch will be the most important piece of the puzzle, as they will be able to give titles to family and friends... or even a random street vendor. Having your Monarch bestow titles such as Crown Royals, Royal Partners, Servants, Court Wizards and more, keeps you out of CAS and IN your game! No more stopping and starting your gameplay!

A general overview of everything included so far:

Monarch: - A custom Heir system: Your Monarch can choose anyone bestowed with the title of Crown Royal or Royal Partner to become the next in line to the throne! And if they decide they made a mistake, the Heir can be disowned :((( sad lyfe As soon as the Monarch passes away, the Heir will automatically claim the throne! - If your Monarch dies before they get a chance to name an heir, then any Crown Royal or Royal Partner can vie for the throne. Whoever the people choose (gets to reputation level 6 - very good) first, will become the next Monarch! - Teens and up can become the Monarch, (lookin at u edward the 6th) - Custom tax system! Raise taxes to get more money instantly and in your weekly tax collection, but incur the ire of your subjects! Lower taxes and you will lose money and earn less each week but your subjects will love you! - Your Monarch will draw a crowd wherever they go! Even with no fame points they’ll attract a mass of adoring onlookers. (But no paparazzi for my historical players) - Make world-wide decrees - Listen to your subjects pressing concerns by telling your Trusted Advisor that you will hold a hearing, get that gud gud karma!! - Make anyone a Crown Royal! - Make the land celebrate your own birthday with a new Monarch’s Birthday tradition, with custom goals to be met! - Don’t walk like the rest of these peasants, make sure to enable your royal stride to royally stand out from the crowd. Not enough? Enable your regal glow to really drive home that you’re better than everyone else! - Royal greetings! - Allow your subjects to commence Sunday trading on a lot with the Market lot trait! Townies will come and man the stalls every sunday 9-3 and the royal family can peruse and purchase to their hearts content! -probably more that im forgetting!!!

Heirs, Crown Royals & Royal Partners: - Titles are bestowed by the monarch, crown royals & heirs can be titled at birth and Royal Partners can be titled after marriage! - Both can be named as Heir, and both can vie for the throne if the Monarch dies unexpectedly! - Your Monarch can make anyone a Crown Royal, so if you gameplayed that your Monarch adopted a poor orphan kid, then they can have a shot at the throne too! - All have multiple different social and skill modifiers, so they can make new friends fast and be better at everything than them! - Also all have their own socials - ALSO all can be completely banished from the royal family - u can defo marry into the royal family if u wanted, and make ur peasant family the next gen of royals ;))) - loads more but im so tired

Trusted Advisor: - Your Monarch will choose their trusted advisor! they advice! u on stuff! so choose wisely! - everything about taxes, beginning situations, domestic affair (and planning to add LOADS more) goes thru ur advisor, just like it does in real life and by real life i mean i think i just made that up - way more 2 come bros

- brand spankin new custom animations!!!!!!!!!!

Planned to Add (p much the same as last post): - unlockable interactions based on skills such as charisma - bad monarch reputation and tyrant trait to have the possibility of triggering a revolt??? - Custom situations to trigger weekly events such as royal hearings, banquets ect. - custom situations to trigger a bunch of npc servants (big maybe) - Mass Excitement over royal babies - Mass Mourning over passed over Monarchs - Mass Excitement over new Monarch - Options for crown royals to steal the throne - Sentence to death - Way more custom socials - looking into craftables - Perhaps more of a focus on the working class - more magicky type interactions for court wizards - just like. so much more. but its 1:30am and my brain has stopped working

ok now i wrote this out it rlly doesn’t look like a lot but i have so many gatdamn plans for shit i still gotta add. plus i will probably end up making hair and a few clothes and objects too. also omg guys im totally gonna make one of those fancy fuckin trailers for youtube :))))))))))) also was i on fiverr lookin at voice actors to narrate it...? maybe bitch

anyway i said i would talk abt patreon so here it is!!!

first things first, let me just say that no, i absolutely do not think i am entitled to a single cent of anyone’s money!!! I would/will still put 110% into this mod and my future mods because I absolutely love doing this. At the moment I’m currently working on this mod about 8-10 hours a day, 5 days a week (animations bruh), which is kinda insane. but I want this to be everything everyone’s wanted from EA for years.

I made a Patreon for those who would like to support me. If you do decide to become a Patron I am endlessly thankful for that, not just the monetary value of it but the fact that you believe in me enough to do that.

Every cent of any pledge goes towards my saving fund for my course next year, which for those of who don’t know, I’m currently a first year Game Design student!!! In complete clarity, I’m looking at a $15,000 loan atm, so literally anything helps if u do decide to pledge!

Tiers start at $1 and all tiers have access to a private patrons channel in my discord! u can go read what u get with the tiers over on my page! I’ve offered as much as I can, but since im super not down with exclusives, pls let me know if u think there’s anythin more i can offer u guys!!!

Tier 2 does include a one week early access to my content. I feel like this is the most I’m comfortable offering, and I will always stick to or under EA’s rules when it comes to Patreon.

Tier 2 also offers first picks for Beta Testing, but depending on how many (if any) tier 2 patrons I get, it may work on a rotational system as I still want to include people from tumblr in the beta testing. I don’t want anyone who can’t afford patreon to feel left out, so I would still offer some beta testing spots here and it’ll be first come first served like normal! i don’t want it to feel like i’m gatekeeping my cc. i hope this is okay with you guys! For those who aren’t in a place where they can become a patron, but still want to stay included in everything related to this mod, I now have a Discord Server that anyone can join! speaking of >>>>

we have a discord ladzzzz!!!!!!!!!

If u wanna stay up to date on everything I’m doing regarding the mod, or u have a question or suggestion, or there's something wrong with one of my mods that u need fixed, or tbh if u just wanna hang out with some cool dudeeees n chill n chat n have a jolly time then com join the discord!!!!!!!!

i’m going to be posting updates and screenshots of the mod process much more frequently there (probs like a few times a day tbh lmao) and it’s much easier to get a hold of me there if u have any suggestions.

and tbh we just gonna have a chill time and i want a metric fuckton of memes and gifs. if that doesn’t sway u, we have a whole channel dedicated to only pics of guy fieri. u will be banned if u post anything else there. u were warned.

ok god im so sorry this is literally 10 years long but i just had a lOT to say but like, mods goin good lads. i just want to make something that gives the game more play ability and keeps u in game and out of CAS. its excitin stuff. thanks for listenin.

                              PATREON | DISCORD SEVER

                    see all royalty mod updates on my tumblr here

also im v sorry if u join the discord like right after this is posted bc i am most definately fuckin asleeeeeeep

[mirkwoodshewolf]

You’re my best friend; John Deacon x reader

*Author’s note*

Okay wow I can’t believe I almost missed this deadline but I had this story already up on my Wattpad for the past 2 months so I wanted to transfer it once this deadline came. This is for @writing-of-a-british-bitch​‘s 1k challenge and I asked to do the “Your my best friend” song choice. 

Now some things had transpired between joining this contest and the time I decided to write it and I really needed to get this pain out. As some of you may know from a post over 2 months ago, I lost my baby black kitty Sassy to Kidney failure. And I realize this was meant to be a fluff fic but I couldn’t help but really write this fic in memory of my baby girl. So some fluff and angst but sadly mostly angst is in this fic. So I apologize if I kinda went back on my word Phoebe but I hope this is still okay for your contest.

Taglist:

@plethora-of-things​

@waddles03​

@psychosupernatural​

@ixchel-9275​

@queendeakyy​

@simonedk​

@jd-johndeacon-or-jackdaniels​

@kairosfreddie​

@dancingcoolcat​

@geek-and-proud​

____________________________________________________________

Kidney Failure. Those are two words that no pet owner wants to hear. My beautiful baby girl Sassy had officially been diagnosed with Kidney failure as well as Kidney stones. At first with her not eating I thought she was just being a little stubborn, then after doing some scary research on why senior cats won't eat, it showed signs of her dying. Then after seeing her cough up some blood early one morning before I wanted to go see a movie, I was told by my parents to take her straight to the vet.

And since I was dealing with this all alone, I was forced to be told by myself and suffer for a full day of the news of my precious black kitty. I had gotten her 15 years ago shortly after my first cat Missy died. She was rescued by an independent rescue woman who had a house full of cats, out of thousands of cats she had, a small, tiny and very skittish kitten stood out of all the rest. Even though at the time my mom wanted a white cat with blue eyes and pink ears, we fell in love with this cute little girl, and I named her Sassy after the cat from Homeward Bound.

For years she was always the skittish girl. Anytime a doorbell would ring, she'd rush out and hide all day. But she was the sweetest cat anyone could ask for. I would always bring her up into my room whenever things got too stressful in my life, or I just wanted to be with her. I'd put her on my bed and just let her sleep there for all hours of the day.

As time went on, she even came to my own rescue like when I got my wisdom teeth removed and I had to recover up in my room. The first night, Sassy had actually came up into my room willingly, hopped right on my bed and slept right beside me for about 3 hours. She's my baby and now she's suffering the same fate my male cat did just several years ago.

My girl's always been the one with health problems throughout her life. First it was the UTI's, then bladder stones, and now she has to take some pills for her thyroid for the rest of her life (she's been on the thyroid pills for roughly about 3 years now), but this—this just blows everything out the window cause now it's evident that she's possibly coming close to the end of her days.

The vet told me what all needed to happen, a couple days of IV to get her fully hydrated, some anti-biotics, and just keeping her as comfortable as possible. So she went through the two days of IV, she's currently on the antibiotic and just has 3 more days to take it while still taking her thyroid pills (I now had to resort to giving it to her liquidly through a syringe since she no longer does the pill pockets anymore).

I don't wanna lose my baby girl. She's my life, my baby, my best friend and I—I don't know what I'm gonna do when the time comes for her when she finally.....

"(Y/n)?" I looked up and there was my dad.

"Hey dad."

"Sweetie, how are you doing? Really?" he said as he came into my room and sat down by my bed.

"I—I'm scared dad. I don't wanna lose my girl. On top with all the stress of trying to find a job, I just can't even focus on anything else but my baby girl."

"I know, I know sweetie." He brought me closer for a hug and I allowed the tears to softly fall down my face. "Maybe—you should get out of the house. Go see those friends of yours, isn't that offer for you to join them at the farm still available?"

"But dad I don't wanna leave Sassy behind. What if she dies while I'm away? That's already what happened to both Hudson and Missy because of school. And I promised that if it ever came Sassy's time I wouldn't allow anything to keep me away from her."

"But if you just solely keep focused on her, you're only gonna make yourself sick. What you need now is time to yourself, spend it with your friends, maybe they can help you out. Maybe even John can help you see. Cause at this rate I feel like you'll only listen to that boyfriend of yours." I softly chuckled as he did to.

"I think I'll just surprise them. They always drop by unannounced at my place either way." He chuckled and said.

"Whatever you want to do. I will watch Sassy for you and make sure she's comfortable. And I promise you if anything does happen, I'll give you a call."

"Thanks dad. I'm glad you came back early."

"Of course. Sassy's important to all of us." I nodded. "You get some sleep now okay sweetie, you've got a long drive ahead of you." I nodded again as my dad kissed the top of my head and gave me a big bear hug.

Once he left my room after shutting my door, I lay there on my bed and allowed the tears to continue to fall as I silently cried myself to sleep.

A few hours later I was on the open road heading towards Rockfield farm where my friends and boyfriend John Deacon. Oh yeah I forgot to mention, John Deacon of Queen is my long time boyfriend. We got together roughly at around Year 10 of secondary school, and even though we ended up going to different colleges, we still kept close to each other with visits and holiday stuff.

In fact, I was the one who convinced him to try out for Queen since I had Freddie Mercury in an art class of mine. And he just decided to take me in as his best friend since we both loved cats (the first time I showed him a picture of my two furbabies he was hooked and wanted to know everything about them).

So I introduced John to the band when Fred told me they needed a new bassist, he auditioned and—the rest was history. As mentioned earlier they were currently at Rockfield farm studios recording their next album 'A Night at the Opera'. Deacy had offered the chance for me to tag along as moral support/citizen critic but when I told him that I was worried about Sassy, he understood but kept the offer open in case I changed my mind.

After what felt like an eternity of driving I finally arrived at the farm just a little bit after 10:30am. I parked the car right next to a blue beetle and got out of my car after shutting off the engine. I looked around the place and saw that it was definitely far out of civilization and distractions, maybe this could be what I needed.

"(Y/n)?" I heard a voice say. I turned around and wearing a pink woman's top and white pants holding a cigarette between his fingers was none other than Freddie Mercury.

"Hey Fred."

"Oh darling it's been so long come here!" I walked over to him as he tossed the cigarette aside into the gravel and extended his arms out. I was then given the biggest bear hug that Freddie is known to give. "Why didn't you tell us we were coming?"

"Figured I surprise you all. You're not pissed are you?"

"Absolutely not dear, a visit from you is like seeing an angel grace our presence. And maybe this time Deacy can pick up the slack." I softly giggled as we separated from each other. "So how are things at home? Deacy said poor Sassy was feeling under the weather, how is the little dear?" at that point I grew sad again. "(Y/n)? Dear was it something I said?"

"Freddie I—the reason I came here was because of Sassy. She's—not doing so good." At that point his face grew worried.

"Come darling, let's sit on the porch swing and talk. You look like you're about to burst into tears." He wrapped an arm around me as we walked towards the front porch of the house and sat down on the cushioned porch swing. Freddie sat to my left and said, "Now then darling, tell me everything." I took a deep breath and proceeded to tell him.

"Last Sunday Mary and I were planning on going to see a movie, but as I was getting around I had seen Sassy laying near where she had just spit up, but what scared me was that there was blood mixed with the phlegm that she had puked up. So I called Mary and told her I had to take her to the vet, they ran some tests on her and......" I sniffled and felt the tears starting to come back. "Freddie she's suffering from kidney failure." He gasped in horror as he covered his mouth with his hand.

"Oh my god......(y/n) I—I'm so sorry dear. Oh come here you." He brought me close into his chest and tears once again began to fall down my face. "Oh my poor dear, I can't imagine what you must be feeling. If it were one of my darlings, I'd be feeling just as heartbroken as you. How—how long has she got?"

"Well thankfully the doctor said if we just keep an eye on her. Cause she's still drinking water, going to the bathroom, and eating when she wants to she could live a little while longer. But Freddie—she's 6lbs now and every time you hold her—you can just feel her bones. It's like picking up a stuffed animal at this point."

"Oh the poor little darling. Does she still walk?"

"Yeah she can still walk, but she—she drags her back legs or stumbles around before just giving up. We're trying to keep her on the main level of our house trying to limit the amount of times of her going either up or down the stairs. Sometimes she'll eat twice a day, sometimes it'll take her well over 24 hours before she eats again."

"Okay. So what all have you done for her?"

"Well she had to do 2 days of IV to get her rehydrated. Now she's on an antibiotic for the next ten days, she'll be done with it in three days so my dad's gonna finish it all off. He said I needed a break from all the stress cause along with her being sick and me struggling to find a job, I've barely been able to keep myself together."

"Your dad's a smart man. Cause dear no offense but you really look like shit."

"Gee thanks Freddie." I sassed back sarcastically.

"Now, now I don't mean any offense by it. I'm just—"

"I know what you mean Fred. Its just—I don't wanna lose my baby girl. I know she's getting older hell she's 16 years old. But I—I don't wanna lose my baby just yet. Not when my life is fully about to begin."

"I know darling, I know." He comforted me as he rubbed my back. I felt him kiss the crown of my head. "Listen to me, okay? You gave that beautiful black cat the best 16 years of her life. And who knows maybe she'll tough it out and stick with you for another 3 years. She knows you love her, and knows that you are doing everything to take care of her."

"You truly are the cat guru Freddie."

"Well comes with experience. But I've seen for myself the love you've given that precious thing. And, god forbid, when the day does come for her to move on, she'll have you to thank for being the best mummy cat she's ever had. And loved her even with her being the skittish thing that she was. Cause other than you, I would've been the only one to see the potential in her."

"Yeah she was a precious thing when I saw her and briefly got to play with her when she was just a kitten." Freddie wiped my tears away with the sleeve of his shirt and he asked me.

"Feeling any better?"

"A little. Thanks Freddie. It takes a cat parent to understand just what I'm going through."

"I'm always here for you dear. And hey, just so you know, my furbabies are your furbabies. They love you just as much as your own do, so anytime you need to come over, they'll be happy to see you."

"I'll keep that in mind."

"Shall I get Deacy?"

"Actually I would like to come in, I've been driving since 1am this morning and I could really use a bed right now."

"Or is it just so you and Deacy can—"

"Get your mind out of the gutter you rotter!" he chuckled and said.

"Of course dear, come in come in I'll grab your bags." I went to protest but he stopped me, "No darling I will not take no for an answer." He grabbed my suitcases and we entered inside the house.

It was a charming little house of sorts with old knick-knacks, pictures whether painted or old photographs, and completely wooded interior. Kinda reminded me of my grandparent's place a little bit, a true country home.

"My darlings, we've got a surprise visitor with us to—" Freddie announced as we came into the kitchen. "Oh fuck seriously Roger? I thought I heard a crash but never did I think you'd go that far."

"What else do you expect Fred? Brian said my song wasn't strong enough so I figured I'd show him if this was strong enough!!"

"Perhaps I shouldn't have come after all." I made myself known. At that point Deacy popped right out of his seat and rushed right over towards me and embraced me. I hugged him back and buried my face into his neck. God every time I got a hug from the love of my life, I was already happy and at home with him.

"Why didn't you call and tell me you were coming?"

"And miss the surprise look on your face? I don't think so." He chuckled before separating from me to cup the side of my face. I felt his calloused thumb stroke my cheek gingerly and he placed a soft kiss to my brow.

"Ugh it's too early for you guys to act all lovie-dovie!" Roger complained.

"Oh put a sock in it Rog!" I sassed at him.

"It really is good to see you here (y/n). so what brought on this surprise visit?" asked Brian. My smile dropped and I solemnly looked down.

"My love?" Deacy asked concerned.

"Deacy dear why don't you take (y/n) downstairs to your room and get her situated. She could really use some sleep right now, then come back up and I'll explain everything." Freddie set my stuff down and went up to Brian and Roger and wrapped his arms around their shoulders to guide them out of the kitchen.

"What's he talking about love?"

"It's—the reason why I'm here isn't a happy reason. I wish it was but I—"

"Okay, okay, okay relax. Calm down my love. Come on let's go downstairs, though I must warn you the room isn't very big."

"I'll take whatever it is Johnny." He grabbed my suitcases as wrapped an arm around me as he guided me towards the basement stairs.

And boy was he ever right. How could my beloved possible sleep in a room this cramped, not to mention cold? He set my stuff right by his before guiding me to the bed. He sat down close to me and said.

"Do you want to tell me? Or should I go up to see Freddie?"

"I—I can tell you."

"You sure?" I nodded. "Alright, if you say so. But before you speak, take a couple of deep breaths with me, okay?" he slowly breathed in and I followed behind him. We held our breath for three seconds before slowly exhaling out for five. We did this together over and over and over again till finally I was ready to tell him, and I told him everything in regard to Sassy.

As I explained everything, every now and then I would stop because I could feel tears springing in my eyes. Jesus just when I thought I had cried my last tear, they still keep coming. But my sweet, loving John had tissues at the ready and he would hand me one to wipe my face, before sitting himself even closer to me resting his head on top of mine while his arms were wrapped around me rubbing either my back or arms comfortingly.

"Oh my love. You should've called me as soon as you were told the news. You know I would've dropped everything just to be with you, to comfort you through this." He said once I had finished telling him everything.

"I didn't want to disturb you John. This album is really important to Queen and I—didn't want to distract you."

"Fuck the album, you're my first priority."

"John."

"I mean it (y/n). if you ever asked me to leave the band I will."

"You know I would never ask that of you."

"I know, I'm just saying I would. I just—I just hate the fact that I had to let you get the news alone. I knew your dad left to spend time with your mum for their anniversary together which left you to take care of Sassy and Phoebe, and to get such news all on your own." He kissed my cheek and softly stroked my cheek.

"Why are you so good to me?"

"Your my best friend, (y/n). I'll always be good to you." He leaned in and captured my lips in a soft kiss. I cupped the side of his face before separating from him and pressing my forehead to his while I felt his nose graze against mine.

I then wrapped my arms around his neck while I felt his arms wrap around my waist. He pulled me close to him so that I practically sitting on his lap. I felt his hand rub comforting circles on my back before slowly leaning back. The slightly rickety bed creaked and it was definitely a tight squeeze, but we somehow made it work with me practically lying on top of him, our legs tangled up with each other's and my head resting against his chest.

"God how did you manage to sleep on this tiny bed?" I asked.

"Trust me it's not easy. But somehow I've managed."

"The boys didn't boot you down here did they?"

"No, Paul actually gave me this room. Said that small ones don't get nearly as cold."

"Aww Deacy I'm so sorry." I cupped his jawline to which he nuzzled against my hand and gave my palm a kiss.

"Not your fault. But how are you, really (y/n)."

"Truthfully my head is literally killing me."

"Probably from dehydration from all the crying you must've been doing." He said as I felt him stroke down my hair. He kissed my forehead and set me down on the bed. "I'll get you some water and snacks for you. Gotta get you rehydrated and eating again." He pecked my nose and I smiled at him.

"Thank you Johnny."

"Anytime my love. Stay here, I'll be right back." He brushed the hair out of my face before giving me a soft peck before heading upstairs. I sighed and rested my head onto the pillows and inhaled John's scent from his shampoo that I had bought for him. It gave me a sense of comfort even while he was gone for a brief moment.

He came back down with a bottle of water and a couple bags of crisps.

"You really went all out didn't you?" I teased.

"Well if I know you, I know that when you get really sad, you tend to skip meals. And I know this isn't really the best thing for you to eat right now, but it's all we've got since Roger knocked down the leftovers bitching about his car song."

"His car song?"

"It's better if you don't ask." He sat down on the floor beside me and laid out the bags of crisps then unscrewed the bottle cap of water before placing the straw in. He held it out to me and I took a sip of it. After taking a long drink, he set it down on the nightstand right beside the bed and opened up one of the bags of crisps and proceeded to feed me.

"I can feed myself you know."

"I know, but you've been under a lot of pressure lately. With the unsuccessful job hunts as well as Sassy being sick, the least I can do is pamper you my darling. Now c'mon open up." He guided a potato crisp towards my mouth and I opened my mouth as he popped it inside my mouth.

Deacy kept on feeding me as well as giving me sips of water. Finally after feeling full from the crisps, he set them aside and crawled back into the bed with me.

"Wait, don't you have some recording to do?"

"I talked to the guys about it, I'm gonna stay here and take care of my baby today."

"No Deacy I—I'll just delay your schedule......"

"It's already said and done love, besides Freddie insisted that I stay with you. I can make up my bits tomorrow." I looked up at him and said.

"Thank you Deacy, it—this means a lot. Really, with Sassy being—"

"Shhhh, shhh. Just sleep my love. You really need it." He whispered as he gingerly stroked my cheek with the back of his fingers. I closed my eyes and cuddled close to him, his hand tucked underneath my shirt and I felt his nails gently stroke up and down my back comfortingly. The mixture of his scent, his breathing and his heartbeat was like a lullaby that soothed me to sleep.

A week later, I was starting to feel a bit better than I had back at home. Deacy and the boys provided the perfect distraction, Freddie gave me a mini piano lesson as he was practicing his latest masterpiece that he deemed was going to change music forever, Brian and I would take pictures of the guys whether for his scrapbooking or just out of plain goofiness, and Roger—well Roger spent three days in a cupboard but at least he was still willing to talk to me even through the cupboard.

And of course Deacy was an angel with the warm cuddles and bass playing. I've always found comfort in seeing him play the bass, he was in his element and it was amazing to see him break out of the shy exterior and just be him. I was laying on the couch in the studio and he was fiddling around with his bass.

"Can you play me something?" I asked. He looked up and he asked.

"What would you like me to play? Liar? White Queen?"

"Do you think you can give me a sneak peek at a song from this album?"

"Well legally I'm not allowed to but....off the record if there were no Prenter nor sound engineer to be around." He stated as he got up and went over to the sound station and flipped a couple of switches.

"You clever, devious man." I giggled.

"That's why you love me. C'mere." I got up from the couch and went up to the chair he was now sitting at. He extended his hand as I got closer to him and I took his hand. He then had me sit down on his lap and I felt his arm wrap around my waist. "This was finished the night before you came to the farm. I.....I had you in mind when I was writing it."

"Oh god Deacy please tell me it's nothing like Misfire was."

"No not this time. I promise, and in a way....you can think of this song as yours and Sassy's song." He turned on the switch and soon playing through the speakers was an electric sounding instrument. "That's me on the electric piano."

"Really?"

"Yeah, Fred wanted absolutely no part of it so I sat down all night learning how to play it so that I could have it ready for recording." I awed at him and he gave me a peck to my temple and I soon heard the magnificent vocalizations of all four of my boys singing at once, their voices backtracked by their own voices making it sound like there was an entire choir backing them up.  Freddie's god-like voice singing the gentle melody of the words.

"What's it called?"

"You're my best friend." He lay my head on his shoulder and the two of us listened to the song together. I'll admit the lyrics did fit Sassy to a T. She has been there for me before in the past and she was always the one I turned to when things got rough and no one else was there for me.

When the song finally ended, I turned to John and hugged him, my arms wrapped around his neck.

"That is literally the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for me. Thank you John."

"I'm glad you liked it love."

"Like? Deacy 'like' doesn't even begin to describe what this song meant to me. You and Sassy are both my best friends."

"And I'm happy to share you, even if it is with a feline." I giggled and playfully nudged his shoulder which made him chuckle. "God I've really missed seeing you smile."

"What are you talking about? I've been smiling the whole time I was here."

"Oh you mean the ones that don't reach up to your eyes, the smiles that don't make your eyes twinkle and a laugh come out of that beautiful mouth of yours. Yeah those were real smiles." He sassed sarcastically.

"Okay smartass. Maybe I've—still been depressed about not being with my girl."

"And there's nothing wrong with missing her. But you also need to learn to take care of yourself as well. You looked absolutely exhausted when you first arrived, it was like you'd hardly slept a wink." I looked down shamefully. "I just want you to realize that in order for you to be there for Sassy, you also need to learn to take care of yourself. Do you understand what I'm trying to say my love?"

"Yes Deacy, I understand. I'm sorry."

"Hey, you've got no reason to be sorry. You caring about Sassy this much proves that you're a good cat mum. And maybe in the future, you'll be the same way with our own child." I smiled through a choked sob. I buried my face into John's neck as I felt his hand go underneath my shirt and once again stroking my bare skin sending comforting shivers up my back.

"I love you so much John Deacon."

"I love you so much too (y/n) (l/n)." I looked up at him and he smiled down at me softly and kissed the center of my forehead, the tip of my nose, both cheeks then finally a soft and loving kiss to my lips. "Besides, I always knew one surefire way to get that beautiful smile on your face." Oh shit.

I immediately got off his lap and went back to the couch and held the pillow out in front of me.

"Why ever did you flee from me my love?" he asked in a mocked hurt tone.

"Not another step Deacon. I know what your method is and you're not doing it."

"Whatever do you mean?" oh that little rotter he was taunting me.

"Don't make me say it Deacy!" I begged as I buried my body into the covers leaving only my head to the outside world.

"Well you're gonna have to cause all I'm doing is walking towards you and all you're doing is trying to hide yourself under the blankets and pillows." He continued to taunt as he now hovered over me, his body pinning mine to the couch.

"Deacy no!" I whined.

"No what?"

"Deacy!"

"You're gonna have to specify what I can't do my darling." He cupped the side of my face after tucking some hair behind my ear and captured my lips in a seductive kiss. He almost had me under his spell, that was until I felt him squeeze my sides through the blanket. I squealed and tried to buck him off me but he stayed on top of me. "My, my, my, what have we here?"

"John I swear to god I'll kill you if you do it."

"Do what? All I did was just graze your sides and you just reacted to it. Now what do they call that thing again when people get so sensitive to a light touch?" he pondered.

My god this little shit was good. He was trying to force me to say it.

"John please!" I begged to him with the best puppy dog eyes I could muster.

"Aww look at you pleading and begging with those eyes, it's so adorable. But it won't stop me. Now answer my question." I felt him squeeze my sides again and I let out a soft shrieked laugh. "God if I didn't know any better I'd say you didn't want me to......"

"Tickle me!" I blurted out.

"What a wonderful idea! You always were terribly ticklish." I then pushed him off of me and decked out of the recording studio and began racing around the barn.

I went inside the barn and tried to duck through or go around any beams I could find.

"You're not going to escape from me (n/n). You know you were always the slowest runner."

"Shut up Deacon! It's cause you always cheated with those long legs of yours!" I snapped as I ducked through the hay storage bin before getting out on the other side.

Deacy continued to chase after me for what felt like forever. And I don't know when they became involved or why they chose to do it, but somehow Roger and Freddie got involved with the chase and I was soon tackled out in the field by Roger and he was the first to start tickling me before Freddie then finally my boyfriend Deacy joined in the attack.

The three of them tickling me non-stop till I was red in the face and could barely breathe. Fred and Rog would've gone on forever had John not stopped them and forced them to let me breathe. Once I was able to catch my breath, I turned towards the two troublemakers and said.

"Where.....in the hell.....did you two.....come from?"

"From London." Freddie bluntly shrugged.

"I know that smartass. I meant during the chase." I groaned.

"Oh that well when we saw Deacy chasing you, Fred and I just want in on the action. It didn't matter what we had to do, just as long as it got you to smile kid." Roger said as he gave my hair a ruffle, messing it up.

"Roger! Rog you're messing up my hair!" I said as I tried to get his hand off my head but he would keep putting it back on top and messing my hair up even further.

"But you've got to admit darling, we did get you to smile that fabulous smile that can only be compared to Mary's." said Freddie as he wrapped an arm around me. "Plus didn't that help you just a little bit?"

"Yeah I guess so. Thanks guys, for real this week has—literally been a life saver. I think I'm ready to head back home tomorrow."

"What so soon? But darling we were just having so much fun!" whined Freddie as he brought me close to his chest.

"Plus you help lessen the stress that Prenter causes us." Said Rog.

"And the stress we cause each other. You sure you can't stay a bit longer?"

"Sorry Deacy, I gotta get back to my girl." He rubbed my back and said.

"Okay. Just—promise to call me in case anything happens. You know I'll gladly drop things here to be with you." I cupped the side of his face and stared at him lovingly.

"I'll even allow us to take time off the album so that all of us can be there for you darling." Fred said I turned towards him and Roger and saw that Roger nodded agreeing with both Fred and Deacy.

"You guys—how did I ever get lucky to have such good friends like you all?"

"You've honestly been a blessing to us dear. Never doubt that." Soon I was in a group hug with the front man, the drummer and the bassist of Queen.

The next morning I was all packed up and was hugging the guys goodbye and thanking them for helping me out this past week. I had just gotten done hugging Rog and Bri and I was now at Freddie. He smiled at me and embraced me tightly and he said in my ear.

"You be sure to call us with any updates Sassy's got."

"I will I promise." He separated from me and kissed both my cheeks.

"Drive safe (y/n) dear."

"Will do Fred." I then turned towards the love of my life, my best friend. He held his arms out and I immediately went into them and hugged him back.

"I'm so glad that you came to visit love. Drive safely back home, and call me whenever you get there."

"I will, promise me you'll continue to work hard on the album."

"Will do love." He kissed me but it was shortly interrupted by Prenter exclaiming.

"Enough of this already the boys need to get back to work!"

"Alright Prenter that's it come here!" Roger then charged after Prenter which made John and I laugh softly.

"Should we try to stop him?" I asked.

"Nah, let him take his prey. Besides he deserves it, Prenter's an arsehole anyway." He kissed my temple softly before hugging me one last time. I got into my car and waved goodbye to the guys one last time before taking off back down towards the main road.

Three days later after returning from the farm, I was back at home just waking up for the day. I once again saw Sassy lying there on the couch just like she was last night. I sighed and went up to Sassy and pet her and she shot her head up and looked at me.

"Hey baby girl, ready for your medicine?" she just looked at me before laying her head down. I went over to the sink and prepped the water bottle cap (at this point she had stopped taking the pill pockets, and since I could no longer force it down her, I resorted to liquidating the ¼ pill).

After waiting a couple of minutes I sucked the water into a syringe and walked back over to the couch. Gently as I could, I picked her up and she let out a weak meow.

"I know baby, I know. But this is just the water one this time. You got done with the antibiotic awhile ago." I placed the syringe into her mouth and she weakly opened her mouth but was still able to take in the water. Once she took it all in, I kissed her and took her over to the water bowl cause I knew she probably drink any water since last night. "Here we go baby, drink up."

I gently set her down and she merely just lay there for a moment before realizing where she was. Her head shot up and she reached her paw over the water bowl like how she normally drinks and went face first into the water, her usual way of drinking water.

Once she had her fill after lying down a few times before going back up again to drink some more. I picked her up once more and set her back down on the couch. Since it was a sunny day for the first time in a while, I decided to let my girl sunbathe, her favorite thing to do whenever the sun was out.

"Here you go little mama." I cooed as I stroked her head and kissed it. I then went back upstairs and got ready for the day. The phone rang and I picked it up and answered, "Hello?"

'Hey sweetie. Whatcha doin?' it was my dad's voice.

"Oh just—getting around and all that."

'Ahh I see. How's our girl doing?'

"She's....hanging in there." I looked towards her to see her still breathing.

'Okay good, good. So what have you got on the agenda for today?'

"Well Mikaela is coming to pick me up and we're gonna hang out for my graduation/pre b-day plans."

'Ahh I see, what time is she coming over?'

"About 10ish."

'Okay well you girls have fun and I will talk at you later okay?'

"Okay daddy, love you."

'Love you too sweetie, bye.'

"Bye." I hung up the phone and turned back towards my baby. I walked up to her and as I touched her, her paws twitched and she turned and looked up at me. "I love you so much baby girl." I kissed her head and she turned away from me. With a heavy sigh, I walked back upstairs and got around.

A couple minutes later at 10:07am I walked back downstairs to see Phoebe sitting up on the table looking at Sassy's food bowl that was there.

"Phoebe get down!" I snapped at her. She meowed as she hopped down and ran off. That's when I looked down to see the most horrifying sight I would ever see in my life.

Sassy's eyes were glazed over, and I couldn't see her breathing anymore.

"Sassy? Sassy? Sassy!" I touched her fur hoping to see her react but when he jaw went slacked, tears sprung in my eyes and I fell to my knees. I picked her up in my arms and held her close to me as I sobbed. "Sassy! No! No! No! Sassy please no!" I sobbed as I paced around the room hoping that she would wake up but all she did was lay limp against my shoulder. I placed her down on the loveseat to see if she would breathe again but she didn't.

Sassy was gone.

I ran up to the phone and dialed my dad's number and pleaded softly that he would pick up.

'Hello?' he asked.

"Daddy."

'Yeah?' his voice sounded concerned as soon as he heard the heartbreak in my voice.

"I think Sassy's dead!" I sobbed out.

'Oh my god our cat just died.'

"She was fine earlier as I said. She drank some water but when I came back downstairs I noticed that she's no longer breathing, her eyes are glazed over and she's just limp every time I hold her!"

'Okay, okay (y/n) calm down okay sweetie. Calm down. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to get her cat carrier and a towel.'

"Okay."

'Okay? Then put the towel in the cat carrier and then I want you to gently put her in and take her to the vet, okay? They'll work out the cremation process.'

"Okay."

'And sweetie listen to me. At least she died at home, okay? She passed away peacefully, safe and at home instead of a cold, strange metal table. Because I had to go through that with Hudson and it was not a pretty sight. It broke me, but you gave Sassy a happy life and even with you taking care of her on your own for a while she knew you loved her.' I choked out a sob and nodded.

"I know."

'Okay but go take her to the vet, I'll call your mom and she'll get in touch with the vet.' I nodded.

"Okay I'll take her to the vet."

'Okay now your mom will be available all day for you if you need to get in touch with her. I've got a meeting to get to in the next while. But call your mom anytime you need to talk.'

"Okay."

'Okay I love you sweetheart, it's gonna be okay. At least she's not suffering anymore and that she's now at peace.'

"Yeah."

'Alright sweetie, I love you so much.'

"I love you too."

'Bye.'

"Bye." I hung up the phone and proceeded to get her ready to take her to the vet one last time. I grabbed a towel from my bathroom and tucked it in her cat carrier. I looked down at my baby with tears pouring down my face. Once I got her in the cat carrier on her side, I quickly wrote a note for Mikaela and taped it to the door before finally rushing out to my car and race towards the vet.

When I got there, I stood there waiting for what felt like forever in the small vet clinic till finally one of the vet techs came in. She walked over to me, empathy in her eyes and she said.

"Your mum called and told us what happened. We'll get started with the cremation process, are there any questions you have for us?"

"Just.....just make sure that this is for real. I—don't wanna try anything unless I know it's for real."

"Okay." She took my cat carrier and walked into the back room. I sat down by the window trying to calm myself down. The doors opened and there stood my best friend Mikaela.

"Hey I got your message, are you okay?"

"I don't know dude. Thank god you're here though."

"Of course, of course." She sat down beside me and wrapped an arm around me. It was then the vet came in from the back room and he greeted me.

"She has passed away. Along with the kidney stones and failure, she also suffered a stroke." I covered my mouth with my hand and allowed the tears to pour down my face even more. "We can prep the cremation. Would you like the pawprint as well as her ashes or just the pawprint?"

"Just the pawprint." I replied.

"Okay, before we take her away would you like to see her?" I turned to Mikaela before turning back to the vet and said.

"Yes."

"Okay. Come back with me." I followed behind him and Mikaela told me she'd wait outside. I went through the back door and right there on the table I saw my baby girl lying right on her stomach, her front paws extended outwards and her eyes still glassed over, her fangs exposed as her jaw was still slightly lacked.

"Take all the time you need." the vet told me as one of the technicians came and covered up just her lower body. I nodded before leaning down and pet her one last time, trying to imprint her soft fur into my hand, and my memory.

"At least she died at home, where she was most happiest." Said one of the female vet technicians.

"Yeah. She—she was sunbathing on the couch. She always loved it when the sun was out and I would open up the blinds."

"Yeah. I'll bet she really appreciated it."

"It just—with all the health problems she's had throughout her life I just hoped that....."

"I understand. Especially with all that she had been through for the past week." I nodded before turning back to my baby girl. I knelt down and gave her one final kiss before finally saying.

"Okay. Okay I—I think I'm ready." Then another vet tech came up and fully covered up my baby girl forever, the final step in pronouncing her dead.

"We'll get in contact with your mom about the billing. Again we're so sorry for your loss." The same vet tech that I was talking to earlier about my baby girl.

"Thank you." I said thanks the vet techs as well as the vet for all that they've done for Sassy for her last 2 weeks of life. I walked out of the back room and Mikaela came up and hugged me as we left the vet.

When I got back home I called my mom and told her that she could take care of the billing. After that I said.

"I'm sorry about all this dude I know we had plans and all but—"

"No, no, no, no it's fine. Do—you wanna call John and tell him? Or do you want me to talk for you?"

"I think I can tell him. He loved Sassy as much as I did." I picked the phone up once more and dialed the number for the farm that Deacy gave me before they left. It rang about five times before I heard a voice say.

'Hello?' Oh god why did it have to be him?

"Paul. Can I speak to John please?"

'Oh (y/n) I'm afraid he's too busy to talk right now. Since you distracted the guys they're way behind schedule with the album. They have to work twice as long just to meet the upcoming deadline.'

'Oi Prenter why are you answering the phone!? Thought I told you that you weren't allowed to take calls anymore!' Roger's loud voice proclaimed. I then heard the signs of a struggle and Paul's painful cry as Roger's voice spoke up. 'Talk to me.'

"Rog."

'(Y/n), hey what's going on?'

"Is Deacy too busy to talk?"

'Oh absolutely not, hang on a second love okay? OI DEACY!!! YOUR GIRL'S ON THE LINE COME OVER HERE!' Once again there was silence before I heard John's voice at last.

'(Y/n)? What's going on love is everything okay?' my lip quivered as I gasped out a sob. '(Y/n)? Love you're scaring me.'

"She's gone Deacy." I choked out.

'Oh my god. (N/n) I—I'm so sorry. Was she—'

"On the couch in the sun. It was almost an hour ago."

'Jesus Christ. But (y/n) you were there for her like you always said you wanted to be, and she's no longer in any pain, she's at peace. And she's up in heaven with her brother and meeting her older sister. The cat you had before you got her.'

"I know. I'm—I'm sorry I'm distracting you—"

'No, no, no, no, no, no love shhh, shhh, shshshsh. You are by no means a distraction. I'm glad you called me (y/n). I wish I could be there with you right now holding you in my arms.'

"I want that too Deacy."

'Are you going to get the pawprint?'

"Yeah, it should be ready in a day or two."

'That's good. I love you so much my brave mama cat, you know that right?'

"I love you too. I just—wish you were here John."

'I know. I wish I was there too. Is anyone with you right now?'

"Mikaela is, and I—think I'm gonna call Mary."

'That's good. Surround yourself with those two right now since they know what's happening. Do whatever you feel like you need to do right now okay?'

"I will. I do know I wanna get out of the house. I can't...I just can't be in here."

'Okay then do that. Go to Biba, the record store, see a movie, whatever. Hey, it's gonna be okay, alright?'

"Okay. I just—I miss her so much Deacy."

'I know love, I know. I miss her too. Hey listen, I gotta go, the guys are looking at me wanting to know what's going on.'

"I'll let you go then. I maybe out the whole day but I'll give you a call later tonight, okay?"

'Okay my love. I'll talk to you soon. Call me anytime.'

"I will, bye Deacy."

'Bye my love.' I hung up the phone and took a deep breath.

"You sure you wanna get out of the house? It's cool if you just wanna stay here."

"No Mikaela I just—I really can't be in this house anymore. I need to get away from here for a while."

"Okay, okay. But let's get you calm down first before we head on out, okay? I'll talk to Mary this time and you just sit down and drink some water." I nodded and walked over to the kitchen and grabbed a water bottle before sitting down at the kitchen table while Mikaela made the call to Mary and explained everything.

A little while later Mikaela told me that Mary is willing to meet us at the movies since we were planning on seeing that new shark movie that was out now. After recomposing myself and drying my eyes up to show no signs that I had been crying, Mikaela and I stepped out and drove on to meet Mary at the movie theater.

The whole day was spent having a girl's day out. Mary paid for our movie tickets (we chose a later showing than originally planned due to all of this), and then Mikaela paid for our lunch. When it got close to our movie time, we all drove back to the theater (thank god it was literally just across the street) and we got our seats.

For the next 2 hours the film JAWS both terrified and had me at the edge of my seat. By the end of the film when Chief Brody shot the shark, the entire audience actually applauded. After the film, we spent the rest of the afternoon doing a little shopping to help cheer me up until it got dark and I knew I had to get back in order to feed Phoebe.

Mikaela and Mary both came back to the house with me to bid me a final goodbye and to give their final condolences on my loss today. They told me that if I ever needed to talk about today or vent, cry or hang out I could always call them. I thanked them before finally entering back inside the house.

When I got inside, the first things I had noticed was that my hall lights were on and Phoebe was currently eating at her food bowl. At that point my heart started racing a bit because my dad was still at work by now since he had requested some overtime so I know that he'd usually would be on his way home but not here, here. I then heard footsteps coming down the stairs and that's when I was shocked to see Deacy coming down the stairs.

"I thought that might've been you. Had it been your dad it would've been awkward."

"Wha—but.....how are you....."

"Before you ask any questions, how are you feeling? Truthfully?" I looked down and sniffled.

"Heartbroken. I miss her Deacy! I miss my baby so much!"

"I know, I know sweetheart. I do too." He said as he immediately embraced me and rocked me back and forth. "Sassy will forever live in your heart and in your memories, you gave her a good life till the end. And she at least passed away in a peaceful, safe environment. She knew you were there and that you took care of her right to the end."

"It all just happened so fast I mean—she was diagnosed with kidney failure just short of 2 weeks and now she—"

"Shhhh, shh I know. I know. But there was nothing you could do love, there was nothing anyone could've done. She—she was an old cat and.....it was just meant to be her time now. You wouldn't want her to keep suffering would you?"

"Never."

"Exactly, no one does. I know it's selfish but she at least died here at home. And she'll be right there with you."

"I just wish she could've stuck around longer, till I at least found a job. It's stressing enough getting no responses cause of my lack of job experiences now I just....."

"I know love. I know. But you know you've got me right? I can be your stress reliever now, hmm? What do you say?" his nose gently grazed against mine. I sniffled and looked up at him to see him softly smile down at me, his eyes softly shining with empathy.

"Thank you Deacy. I'm happy you came back for me."

"I'll always come to you whenever you need me. You're my best friend (y/n)."

"And you're mine John Deacon." For the rest of the night Deacy pampered me with a warm bath filled with my favorite bath bombs and favorite scented candles. When the bath was done, he helped me into my favorite snuggly pj's before placing me on my bed and snuggling up close to me. My head resting over his chest and his arms wrapped around me snug and tight.

His hand rubbed my back comfortingly and every now and then I felt him kiss the crown of my forehead every time I sniffled or whimpered. Even though he always said he wasn't a singer, I heard him hum the tune to our song 'you're my best friend' and all the while I kept thinking of my baby girl.

[crazyperfectsense]

4/30/20/1

god April was 5 minutes long and I’m going to spend all 5 of them writing this post

this is honestly probably far too personal to put into the public of the internet, and perhaps I’ll take it down before anyone really sees it, but Tumblr is comforting because it is almost a graveyard and the people who remain (who I see in fleeting posts in passing, hi) I trust (or just will not see this because they do not care or the algorithm does not favor long text posts), whereas Facebook is horrifying and Instagram is worse, and this is likely going to be too long to hold anyone’s attention for the whole thing, but I also want to get some notes down for whenever I finally get to talk to my therapist again, so here we go

I woke up at 6:30am naturally (horrifying!), leapt out of bed because I realized how much work I had to do (hate when a nap turns into just...sleep!), and got a text from my dad 15 minutes later that my maternal grandfather was in critical condition, and somehow still managed to do work for the next six hours out of necessity

it briefly brought back flashbacks to 2012, where my dad didn’t tell me for a week that his father died because I had finals my first semester of college, but told me right after he picked me up as we were driving across campus to pick up a friend that we were taking back home, so I had about 3 minutes to compose myself before a 2 hour car ride (horrifying!)

my grandfather died around 1pm, and I had the truly unique (horrifying! ! ! !) experience of finding out via text while I was on a Zoom call as the TA, where I was the only person sharing video other than the professor (my advisor!), and I had to keep my composure while simultaneously finishing creating the homework that I was behind on making while also trying to figure out what to respond to this text notification of mortality, because I don’t know how to say any sort of condolence really in Chinese, but my dad was handling communications and just texting in English anyway — and I don’t know, it’s the kind of thing where I probably could’ve ditched the call and made excuses later, but the effort to preserve even the slightest tinge of normalcy in this moment seemed right, and I did my very best (and succeeded!) to not spontaneously burst into tears on camera, even though I did about 0.03 seconds after I hung up

an aside: thank god that my advisor was sharing screen and people were hopefully focused on him / in speaker mode or something, because my neutral face is....poor! not entirely sure because I avoided making eye contact with my virtual self aside from brief checks to make sure that I was still alive, still functioning as I flickered from screen to screen across my two monitors

I had a meeting scheduled with my advisor afterwards, and he was all ready to move into it, but was so extremely understanding the second he saw my message I had sent 50 min earlier that was effectively “can we push this back a bit because my grandfather died and I need to call my fam lol” and suggested (as any normal person with emotions would) that I take the time to formally postpone and regroup if needed (needed!) rather than just pushing back a half hour or so like I naively thought would work

I had to desperately cry for about 20 minutes (horrifying!) before I felt ready to call my family, even so 

I hate hearing my mom sad! it’s the fucking worst! but it was a relief for 2 seconds to exist over a phone line with someone who also couldn’t talk straight without needing to take a few gasping breaths

another aside: i didn’t write about this in February because, well, everything was on fire in my life already, so briefly: my mom was supposed to be in China through mid-March, having gone there in October. things obviously went to shit, given *gestures at COVID-19 and the world*, and we booked her an early return flight, given that the senior living facility my grandparents were in had already closed to visitors out of precaution. my brother, dad, and I collectively freaked the fuck out (my brother started crying in the middle of class and had to leave, I barely held it together in mine but paid negative attention) when flights back from China started getting cancelled (and for those like, terrifying few hours where Trump was going to ban foreign nationals since my mom’s not a citizen and they didn’t make it clear that immediate family of US citizens were fine), but we somehow made it happen

so, back to the phone call: I just let her talk and she had so many regrets about leaving China when she did, and it just made me feel like the shittiest person for wanting her back home in America when it deprived her of the chance to see her dad one more time. my uncle and mom luckily got to take my grandparents out of the senior home for one night to celebrate Chinese New Year the day before the facility closed to visitors, so they had one last dinner together as a family but thinking about the what ifs makes me want to cry all over again. my mom just kept saying how she wished she could’ve done more, how she wished they had gone to the hospital earlier for a check-up, and the most I could helplessly contribute was “coronavirus concerns were already rampant and it could have been even worse, given airborne contagion,” even if I said as many other things as I could, about how dialysis was painful as hell and my grandfather, the former doctor, said he didn’t even want to be in the ICU at the end years before his passing

I learned what the Chinese words were for “depression” today, when my mom said my grandfather said he had it and they had gotten him some medication for it a few months ago, and I was so stunned that it was “depression” and not some strange disease I was unfamiliar with that I couldn’t say anything for 30 seconds, and I can’t really write more on this point because I will just start crying, but perhaps I should really think about how aging research is largely focused on non-Asian populations and how perhaps, I’m uniquely equipped to contribute a bit to the field here (but, that is true for so many things, and I am tired!)

my grandfather was great. he was quiet, but stubborn as hell. he was a doctor, and he loved routine. he cared so, fucking, much about me and my brother. he always insisted on taking my brother and me on walks to the same few places that he liked to visit — I remember visiting this community center that had a ping pong table — and him going out of his way to find me internet access, since my grandparents’ apartment didn’t have it for most of the years I visited. he loved taking me and my brother to KFC, because he thought it was the height of Americanized cuisine in China, and was so proud of how much better it was than American KFC (which he hadn’t had, but he knew, and he was right. we would eat every single bite of a two-piece meal each. even the ketchup was better). he once cut out a newspaper clipping ranking UT as the #2 college on this huge list of colleges (I think it was referring to research endowments, but anyway) and saved it to show me almost a year later. he told me in 2013 that he would probably live to see me finish college, and he lived to see me two years into grad school, dying when I was halfway through year three. he was 89. I loved him so much, even if we didn’t get to talk much at all.

I’m so mad at all these fucking people who, in the land of the free and the home of the so-called brave, are being idiots in this time and not social distancing. I’m so mad at every single friend who posts a large or small gathering to their story, at everyone who is so thirsty for social connection that they’re willing to put everyone they’re in close contact with at risk to hang out with another person for just a few hours (horrifying!). humans are social creatures who need engagement and connection to live — having written 22 pages about health and social relationships across 12 hours a few weeks ago, I understand this point so saliently that it’s painful. but seeing such....levity when my mom is crying over not being able to even go back to China to properly say goodbye because they won’t admit anyone from the US (and the US has banned travel to China, like that was necessary in this xenophobic environment) makes me want to punch a wall. suck it up! call your friends over Zoom or FaceTime like the goddamn rest of us!

grief is so strange, and grief is encapsulated in every molecule of this new normal — the strangeness of missing the life that once was, even if the past wasn’t something that I thought I’d miss. I remember feeling so, so guilty for traveling twice in February because of the studying for comps that I should’ve been doing, and now I marvel at my foresight. (and have so many regrets for the people who I told “I’ll see you in April when I’m back after comps are done!!”

I’m in this weird spot where I feel like I’m screaming at the people around me to care, and all of them are too busy with different social ties, and I’m watching my connections wilt and fray because everyone thinks I’m so stable and put-together (or boring and shy?)

an example: I was left off of a reunion Zoom call with some people I worked with in college that was widely talked about on social media regarding “love having shared all this time with these strong women” and all, and it felt very, idk, selfish and whiny (horrifying) to be like “how can you call this feminism when I, a real woman, am being left out of this call”! the following exchange, about the above, happened with in a group chat with a very blunt friend:

D: “Also, how does it feel to be left out of that [organization] Women zoom call, Amy?” another aside: (this....was a stupid question. but we’ll allow it, because boys will be boys.) me: “lol it honestly hurt my feelings but it's not like they weren't cliquey from the very beginning ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ to be expected I suppose” D: “Yeah when I saw that I was like “Why didn’t include Amy, she was there at the same time as they were”” me: “LOL thanks for thinking of me 🥺 they clearly did not”

(the other friend staying quiet, because it was tangibly awkward, even if I tried to play it chill, but my feelings remain hurt) perhaps if I cared more, or wanted to try and make people feel bad, I would’ve replied to a story with “tfti”, or laughed, or heart-reacted, or something “casual” that still implicates “where was my invite”, but....is it even worth investing the hurt and care and time when I’m not even sure it would spark embarrassment on their end? because perhaps they intentionally just do not...care about me and my feelings? at all? (horrifying?)

(I already know this to be true, even if the snub was unintentional, but I needed to muse about it anyway)

another aside: I still talk with plenty of people from this organization who I am MUCH closer with, and I shouldn’t feel snubbed to be snubbed by people who I never felt too close with in the first place! (and yet! horrifying!)

sent an extremely passive aggressive message earlier and yet, K tells me that the people in the chat might not even read it as passive aggressive! (horrifying!)

god. I don’t know! I feel so much sadness and anger, and yet still have a few hours of work to do tonight. it’s wild that even today, where my heart just hurts every few seconds if I think too hard, I still have my mind centered in needing to be productive and not lazy because I’ve already spent too much time procrastinating on my work (horrifying!). but the work is about Asian American collective action / media production, and I feel good about it, and I’m working with some badass Asian women, and I really hope it lands in this flagship journal, because that would be a win, and I kind of just need one! 

oh if it’s not clear I finished comps and I don’t know if I passed yet but they’re done so...that’s something

also whoever fucking looked at Chicago style citations and thought “oh hmm, let’s make another type of Chicago style that is DIFFERENT and call it Chicago style documentation” is the literal fucking devil

ok this is enough for now bye. god this was long. (horrifying!!!!!!)

[imagines-mha]

Yandere! Hawks Pt 2

“Wait wait wait slow down... what happened after he pulled you into the alley?” Sero asked you with widened eyes, sitting backwards on a chair and listening intently while Kaminari stopped throwing grapes at him to listen

“I told you i can’t remember, everything just went black...” you nodded, glancing around the small crowd of friends that formed around you, listening to your story before class begun

“That was some pretty weird dream, (y/n)... but damn... i wish Hawks kidnapped me like that-“ Mina laughed, causing you to playfully slap her arm,

“It was terrifying you idiot. Even now it feels so...real...” you told them, letting your true emotions shine through. But it was true: everything went black when you were chloroformed and then suddenly you were sitting awake in your bedroom, getting ready for school the next day as you always did.

What the fuck sort of dream was it?! Why did it shake you up so bad?? Why were you still not convinced it was a dream??

Even when you told all your friends, you couldn’t manage to laugh it off like you thought you would. You hoped that their reactions would convince you furthur that it wasn’t real. Because it was true.... it had to be...dreams weren’t real....it wasn’t real...

But if it really was a dream, then why did you wake up with a mark on your collar? And why was it oddly shaped like a feather?

You decided to wait until you got your best friend alone before you became dramatic

“Mina, can we talk?” You asked her, and fortunately she noticed your tone of distress, bringing you to the bathroom. She shut the door and turned to you with a look of concern in her wide eyes, “are you okay dude?” She asked you, “you look pretty shaken up-“

“Mina the dream...” you simply stated, running your hands through your hair and gazing into the mirror, “it’s been tormenting me all day... i just i.... it doesn’t SEEM like a dream, okay?!” You sighed in frustration, turning to her

She looked puzzled, and motioned for you to explain

“The party we were at? Remember i left early?” You asked her, and she nodded, giving you at least a tiny bit of sanity back, “well i was walking through the streets when it all happened, when he touched me...and put the cloth over me and shit-“ you continued, “but when i woke up it seemed so damn real...i mean how can a dream be so accurate?!”

“Wait so you....you think Hawks’ actually tried to kidnap you?” She asked you, and you noticed the glint of humour in her eye, “are you sure?”

“Don’t give me that look” you pouted, “i’m serious Mina i promise-“ you began again, and you thankfully saw her gaze soften with the crack in your voice

“Well what makes you think it was real?” She asked you

“When i woke up my memory was clear as hell, i still had a headache, i felt terrified and i...look-“ you made sure the door was shut, before unbuttoning the first few buttons of your shirt to show her the mark left on your collarbone

Her mouth dropped open and she looked at you in utter disbelief, “what the fuck dude...” she ran a finger over it and you gasped a little due to the faint pain still there

“I’m walking you home after school, and you’re texting me til you fall asleep-“ she sternly told you, and you thanked the universe for giving you such a protective best friend

//////////////////

You got home safely after promising Mina everything was going to be fine, and decided to make yourself something to eat

Today had to be the only day your parents weren’t home, didn’t it?

You put on some (favourite singer), and made your way into the kitchen ensuring all lights were switched on. Just incase... you thought, as you blocked out the crazy thoughts from earlier

It shouldn’t have scared you as much as it did when your music changed from (f/song) to another song that wasn’t even in your playlist

The obvious explanation would be that your playlist ended and spotify had treated you with a recommended song, but the lyrics somehow suited your situation right now...

You checked the title: Choke by a band called Idkhow (if u dont know this song go listen xx)

You left it on, because you were trying to get dinner made and you were already under enough pressure. It was only like 3 minutes long, plus it had a nice beat

But when you heard the lyric ‘choke yourself to sleep’ you froze in your steps. Goosebumps made their way up your neck and suddenly you felt like you were being watched...that same feeling from...the dream....

You paused spotify and put on your favourite show while you ate to silence the screams of terror in your mind- and it actually drowned them out for a while!

After that, when your parents had come home and you felt safe again, you trekked up to your room to head to bed. Today had been super long, but you were just glad nothing else happened...well, until you lay down

Your pillow felt hard for some reason, like it had been disrupted by a crumpled up bit of paper. Or maybe you were imagining it. Surely you were imagining it. You were just being dumb, of course your pillow hadn’t changed

But it couldn’t hurt to try, right?

No. You had given into your childish fears enough today. You were falling asleep and that was final- you wouldn’t let a stupid feeling in your pillow annoy you

But you were sleeping with the lights on tonight

///////////

The next day it all happened. You knew you should have stayed at home from the moment you stepped outside to realise it was a thunderstorm

Nothing could have prepared you for the nomu attack on the way to school though.

You were walking alone, dodging puddles and carrying yourself as fast as you could to UA before you were absoloutely drenched to the point of pneumonia, when you heard the first heavy footstep.

It was only 6:30am and the street you were walking in had turned to a ghosttown. When you heard the step you jumped, and looked side to side for any hope of life around you. None.

When you saw the Nomu approach from behind a tree, and head directly for you, you fucking freaked your shit. There was literally NOONE else that it could go for, since you were coincidentally the only one left in the street- so it ploughed towards you

“This is it.... this is how this bitch dies oh fuck oh shit!!!” you thought, waiting for it to just take you. But it didn’t. Because you suddenly felt yourself being swooped into the air

By none other than Hawks himself

“Wowww there dollface-“ he began, landing softly on a rooftop and holding you in his arms, “i got you...you’re all safe with me-“

You froze. The voice, the touch was so familiar. It was just like before...

“Lucky i’m on morning patrol, huh?” He chuckled, and you fell into his golden eyes. He tried to calm you down from the Nomu, but little did he know it was him you feared

“God knows what could’ve happened to a little girl like you on her way to school, but that’s my job, right? To help girls like you-“ he reiterated just like last time. No not last time. There was no last time. Just like the dream

You held your breath, then gave a sigh of relief when he let you go again

“I’ll drop you to school- oh and hey, give me your number and text me when you get there safely-“

You stared at his cocky smirk, puzzled, but he cut you off before you even had a chance to speak

“Boss’ orders, we don’t want you getting hurt, do we?” He winked, exchanging numbers with you before escorting you to school and bidding you a flirty goodbye

Classic Hawks

////////////

But the encounters didn’t stop there. He would begin by calling you the moment school ended to ask if you had gotten there safe, then when you got home, to ask if you had gotten home safe, and then in the morning...the moment you woken up...to make sure you slept safely

The one thing the calls all had in common was their timing. It was fair that he knew what time school finished, but coming home? And waking up? How was he so accurate?

Soon, after a few months, you weren’t as frightened anymore. The calls were quite blatant: just asking about your safety and whatnot (to which all of your friends basked in jealousy over) and the dream had almost slipped your mind!

Hawks was actually a pretty cool guy!

You’d seen him more on TV, and how he interacted so sweetly with fans. After being saved by him, you felt like you both formed a sort of bond. Plus, you were now known throughout the class as ‘Hawks’ muse’- which wasn’t bad at all. Who doesn’t want a pro hero fussing over them?

Plus, the phonecalls were getting a little more frequent and a hell of a lot more fun. It was safe to say you had developed a tiny crush on this hero

He would call and ask about your day before telling you about his, and he would say the funniest things to hear your laugh ring down the phone to him

You began to text a lot too, and little ‘are you safe? ❤️’ messages turned to good morning/ night messages

And soon you were texting all day everyday, and Hawks felt like home. He’d always care about everything you said, always remember tiny details that you often forgot (appointments, homework etc), and he always seemed to be there when you texted to answer right away

He made you feel more organised, more loved and 100% more happy than you were before. You didn’t even remember a life without him, which was so strange to say but it was true. Everything you did was you and Hawks. And you loved it...

Until you told him about the dream

You were on skype with him one night, and he was wearing an old band t shirt and sipping some hot chocolate. You were both giggling over nothing because it was 2am and you both had school and work tomorrow but right now they didn’t matter, nothing did except for you both....

“Hawks wait i didn’t tell you about my dream-“ you laughed down the phone and he listened to hear it

When you told him, you were a giggling mess, asking him how you could be so stupid as to be afraid of someone so sweet...but he didn’t retaliate the actions

Instead he snickered, and set down his cup, “princess i think it’s time for you to get yourself to sleep...you have that test tomorrow, remember?” He suddenly said, and the whole atmosphere switched

You didn’t even know you had a test tomorrow.

///////////////

Unfortunately things didn’t magically change from here on in. In fact, life with Hawks was fucking suffocating to say the least

How did he know everything about you? How the hell was he so informed about your whereabouts all the time? And how the hell hadn’t you noticed this before?

He’d always bring you to school, wait for you until you got home, then sit with you in your house until bedtime. Even then, you weren’t too sure when he actually left, because he was ready the next morning to take you again

It was like he was...trying to make you dependent on him....

You were on a rollercoaster with him all right, but the bar suddenly wasn’t moving to let you out for a break and instead it was starting to pick up it’s speed

So you told him...like anyone would

“Hawks, i-“

“Yes dollface?”

“I think that we should uh... have some time... alone-“

He laughed. A cruel-toned laugh in your face like you had just been the victim of the biggest prank in the world and he was the culprit

“Alone? You think you could survive alone without me?” He almost spat. His tone matched the one from that night you told him about the dream: unimpressed and defensive

“Well um...yes i-“

“Who would remember your appointments? And your tests? Who would tell you when you need something? Who would help you with stuff? Who would-“

“Hawks that’s not normal...” you averted your gaze, and his strong hand cupped your cheeks

“Look at me when i’m speaking to you.” He tilted his face and you quickly nodded...just like the dream

“You think i give a fuck about normal?! You couldn’t go a week without me y/n...” he snarled

You were convinced you could, and tried to fight your case, but he was having none of it

“This is for you...your own good- I’m protecting you!” He argued, eyebrows furrowed

“You’re suffocating me!” You suddenly shrieked, and the last thing you saw was the flat palm of his hand reaching out to your face

It was so quick that you couldn’t even retaliate- because the ear-splitting slap sounded and suddenly everything went black again.

[oh-my-may]

85 questions tag

Rules: When you get tagged answer the 80- something questions. After that you’re supposed to tag 25 people

I was tagged be the one and only @kachuwritings and since I don’t want to bother anyone I’m not going to tag anyone in particular?? maybe @thesmoljungwoo, @drowsymochi @jaxonah @sugas-illegirl (lmao people hit me up anytime I need more mutuals <3)

What was your:

1. Last beverage: Water

2. Last phone call: I guess my dad

3. Last text: one of my closest friends

4. Last song: Electric Love by BORNS

5. Last time you cried: I think it was last saturday?? yes.

Have you ever:

6. Dated someone twice: nah

7. Been cheated on: nope

8. Kissed anyone and regretted it: no

9. Lost someone special: who hasn’t

10. Been depressed: I wouldn’t call it depressed tbh

11. Been drunk and threw up: been drunk several times and had some hard ass stomachaches but never once did I threw up (thank god lmao)

List your three favourite colours:

12. Black 

13. rose gold (is that even considered a colour? idek)

14. burgundy

In the last year have you:

15. Made a new friend: mostly online, but also a lot in real life which I’m very happy about!

16. Fallen out of love: nope

17. Laughed so hard that I cried: several times; I cry so easily when I laugh

18. Met someone who changed you: not sure about that one

19. Found out who your true friends are: yes kinda since I had to go through some family problems and I kinda found out who was there for me and who not

20. Found out someone was talking about you: people never stop talking about each other lmao

21. Kissed anyone on your FB list: my boyfriend

22. How many people do you know on your FB list: the last time I checked my FB was a long time ago so I don’t know but I guess like 98%??

Randoms:

23. Do you have any pets: I mean I have a cat called Tommy but lately he’s been straying a lot so yeah I barely saw him the last weeks (but so far he always returned home after the longest of times he’s honestly a pro at surviving)

24. Do you want to change your name: I think my name is basic (for where I live) and it’s quite short and I’d like to have a name out of which one can make a nice nickname xD

25. What did you do for your last birthday party: we stayed at my house, ate self made pizza and played stuff like Cards Against Humanity ... we also went to a playground at 9pm

26. What time did you wake up this morning: 5:30am (for school lol)

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping 

28. Something you can’t wait for: summer holidaysssss

29. Last time you saw your mother: my parents are divorced and she lives kinda far away so ... I think it was february when we visited my big sister together?

30. One thing you wish you could change about your life: the relationships in my family

31. What are you listening to right now: my ‘writing’ playlist (Night Troule by Petit Biscuit to be exact)

32. Have you ever talked to a Tom: I remember that there was a Tom on my class in elemantary school so I guess it’s a yes xD

33. What’s getting on your nerves right now: my phone ... 

34. Most viewed webpage: youtube probably

35. Nickname: MaCe 

36. Relationship status: taken 

37. Zodiac sign: Taurus and everything I read so far was quite accurate

40. College: in about a year

41. Hair colour: naturally it’s a dark blonde but I dyed it and now it’s brown/reddish

42. Long or short: currently at shoulder length

43. Height: something around 163cm/5′4

44. Do you have a crush on someone: obviously by boyfriend but also all of nct 

45. What do you like about yourself: my eyes and ... my ass?

46. Tattoos: nope (i w´really want to get one as soon as I turn 18 tho)

47. Right or left handed: right handed

48. First piercing: none 

49. First best friend: a girl that lives on the other end of my village and I’m still in good contact to her!

50. First sport you joined: ?? idek what I did as a kid but last year I had some kick boxing lessons

51. First vacation: bulgaria or spain?? idk I was like 3

53. Eating: I last ate a salad

54. Drinking: water

55. About to: go to toilet lmao

57. Listening to: X & Y by Coldplay

58. Waiting for: the weekend to come

Your future:

59. Want kids: I love kids but anything that involves childbirth kinda scares me since I hate eny form of pain lmao

60. Get married: yesss

61: Career: something involving language and writing ... I’m planning on studying anglistics/english studies

Which is better:

62. Lips or eyes: eyes

63. Hugs or kisses: HUGS

64. Shorter or taller: shorter I guess 

65. Older or younger: younger

66. Romantic or spontaneous: spontaneously romantic

67. Nice stomach or arms: stomach

68. Loud or sensitive: I’m rather sensitive

69. Hook-up or relationship: relationship obv?? 

70. Trouble maker or hesitant: depends on who I’m with

71. Kissed a stranger: nope; I don’t think I’d have the courage to do it though xD

72. Drank hard liquor: yes

73. Lost glasses/contacts: I don’t have to wear either

74. Had sex on a first date: no

75. Broken someone’s heart: I hope not??

76. Been arrested: nopedy nope nope

77. Turned someone down: Yas

78. Cried when someone died: of course

79. Fallen for a friend: nope

Do you believe in:

80. Yourself: sometimes

81. Miracles: sometimes??

83. Heaven: I’m not religious but I hope that my soul will go somewhere after I die in like 70 years lol

84. Santa Claus: I mean my 6-year-old-self did

85. Kisses on first dates: what is there to believe in such lmao?? But I guess yeah, why not? 

[reflectingiridescent]

Kylee Goes to the Star Trek Convention. Here’s what happened. (Part 1)

(Ok, sorry about the title. I miss being a journalist sometimes. Only sometimes.)

GUYS I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START. Everyone told me that the con high would go away, and I’d be so sad the week after, but I feel like I’m maybe still on the high? It was just such a good and wholesome experience. I’ll try to break it down.

An important thing, I guess, to point out first and foremost was that Jonathan Frakes couldn’t come (got stuck at work and there were no flights going out, supposedly). So this upset a lot of people because it was advertised as the only time the TNG cast was going to be together all of 2017 (their 30th anniversary year). But this didn’t mean anything for me because I was there to meet my space moms, grandmas, and aunts! <3

So for a little background, I love Star Trek, and I love DS9 the most, but I watched TNG for the first time a couple years ago and liked it well enough. And then I watched it over the past few months during my layoff (and visa troubles). It was kind of this happy family place I could come home to. And also these actors are getting old! So I thought it would be best to go see them while I (reasonablyish) had the funds during a milestone? Also the TNG cast is fucking funny together, and I wanted to see that alone.

Wednesday

(So I only went to three days of the five-day con because that was cheaper , and also I have a cousin who lives in Las Vegas who I really don’t see often, and I see her daughter even less often, so we were squeezing in family time too - and I like never slept, and I made up for all of it yesterday by sleeping THE WHOLE DAMN DAY NOT EVEN SORRY.)

So they’d halted ticket sales online before I got there, so this was only a little stressful (I hadn’t heard of them running out of tickets before, and they were pretty much up for grabs once the actual con started on Wednesday). So I got there at 7:30am and was like I NEED TO BUY TICKETS FOR ALL OF THESE DAYS, etc. And the TNG reunion panel was set for Friday night and was an additional cost...whatever, cons are super capitalistic, and that’s like, the language of the US right? (I was also very happy to be home. Jury’s still out on the home thing, but I think I will always consider the US my home. Specific place? Not decided yet.) But I got everything, which was the most important.

Cool Stuff!

The Gaaays in Spaaace panel (literally how it was spelled), which is like this set of Trek parties thrown across the country with different ST actors showing up to them. So their party was on Friday (I went!), and Nana was the featured guest for both the party and the panel, which was really cool, because everyone was bringing up everything from the kisses on DS9 to polyamory, and we were discussing it like it was breakfast food.

Nana told a story about how when she used to be a dancer on Broadway, all the men she was in a production in once died because of the AIDS epidemic.

Kinsey scale brought up in relationship to DS9 characters, and basically they didn’t say that Kira/Dax wasn’t a thing, so like...that was kind of cool lol.

I won a rainbow tribble for answering trivia about same-sex kisses on DS9!!! I WILL KEEP IT FOREVER.

I stopped by the Gaaays in Spaaace table later and asked about a plethora of other relationships, and one of the dudes was like, “I’m sorry Gates girl, but Sub Rosa was the best episode because of the hair. The wigs in that episode were on point.” And then we had a long conversation about TNG hair, and it gave me life. (Don’t read me wrong - Sub Rosa is terrible, but the hair in that episode was fucking great, rivaled only MAYBE by All Good Things hair and Troi’s in Parallels.)

Also said by this guy: “I can’t believe they used a season 1 shot of Dr. Crusher on the con program. Like, really? Really, girl?”

I FUCKING LOVE THE INTERSECTION OF STAR TREK AND GAY OK.

I was too late (because I didn’t even know if Singapore would let me leave the country until like 5 days before I flew) to get tickets for Nana’s autographs, but I got a picture with her, and she was so cool! I tried to quickly tell her that she was my favorite, and it worked out pretty well.

AND THEN I TOOK PICS WITH NICHELLE NICHOLS AND MY RAINBOW TRIBBLE. I didn’t know then that the smart thing to do was to bring back the pics to be signed by them, so I had her sign my program. She was wearing a ST necklace and a little Uhura pin. So wonderful. So obviously I couldn’t say anything of substance because I was freaking out, but she told me that my name’s pretty close to her son’s name, so obviously I was over the moon for the rest of the day.

Nichelle crashed Mae Jemison’s session, which was really interesting. She discussed the 100 Year Starship project. This led to a really important moment when Mae told the audience, “If you’re looking for someone to give you permission to be in the room, I’m giving it to you.” She then turns to Nichelle and says, “You did that. You gave me permission to be in the room.”

I cried. The lady sitting a row behind me cried. The lady sitting three seats down from me was crying.

And then I got very emotional and Facebook-messaged my 6th/7th grade science teacher (who, btw, is the reason I possess the Greatest Real Life Love Story I’ve Ever Heard - a story for another day) and was like THANK YOU FOR BEING SO EXCITED ABOUT SPACE BECAUSE I AM WATCHING MAE JEMISON SPEAK AND I AM SO EXCITED AND ONE OF THE REASONS I’M EVEN HERE IS BECAUSE OF YOU.

She literally offered me a job doing research for her husband (who works for NASA). Oh my god. And she knew exactly what Mae was talking about because she’d just seen her speak at another event. I had such good science teachers.

I told this story to a lady in line behind me for a photo op, and she started crying because she had quit her banking job to become a teacher, and I was like, “Ok, but remember that scene in TNG - like one of those times Wesley saves the ship - and Picard says they should thank his science teacher? That’s you!”

She’d moved from Idaho to Nevada because the school system she was in in Idaho had cut math and science from the curriculum. :(

I did leave before any of the karaoke stuff so that I could go hang with my family though!

Oh and I was wearing glitter the whole day, and Nichelle and Nana both told me it was nice, and Nichelle complimented my hair color (I’d had it red). So lovely. I didn’t have time for a costume but wore red in both their honor.

I shook Daniel Davis’ hand but didn’t have fucking cash on me (still hadn’t changed my Singapore dollars and didn’t want the crazy ATM charges from Not My Bank), so I couldn’t get a pic. But he was so nice. And we chatted a bit about The Nanny, because that’s really where I knew him from first? Hahaha. He stayed the whole con and mentioned wanting to be able to meet the producers from his episode so he could thank them. Class act.

Half-DS9 panel! Terry, who wasn’t supposed to appear until the other DS9 half panel on Sunday, crashed it. Nana screamed, “Oh my god!” and flung herself across stage to hug her.

Ira Steven Behr basically coming out and saying that we’re never going to get to Roddenberry’s vision and that DS9 was as good as it was going to get.

Rene had crashed Nana’s Gaaays in Spaaace panel that morning and really hadn’t known how to answer a question about Odo and asexuality. He took time to clarify during the panel - he’s not against Odo being asexual - he was not familiar with the term but basically agreed. He didn’t want it to come across that he was negating that identity.

Ok, going to do another post later because this is going to be hella long, I think.

[hauntedangelofdreams]

92 truths

Rules: once you have been tagged you are supposed to write 92 truths about yourself. at the end, choose however many people you want to tag.

I was tagged by @bugheadsunshine​ THAAANK YOU <3 

And i’m tagging: @pizzasbagelsandcoffee​ @riverdamns​ @glamazonpr1me​ @writingtoprocrastinate​ yea idk if you guys have already done this but heyyyyyy

LAST

[1] drink: water [2] phone call: my mom [3] text message: my grandma [4] song you listened to: Days in the Sun from Beauty and the Beast [5] time you cried: When my laptop died and my project proposal wasn’t saved  :(  <///3

HAVE YOU EVER

[6] dated someone twice: Nope… never dated anyone so far [7] been cheated on: Nope thank God [8] kissed someone and regretted it: Nope [9] lost someone special: Yes.. many actually [10] been depressed: yea but i keep bouncing back which I'm thankful for [11] gotten drunk and thrown up: nahh i don’t drink 

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS

[12] Blue [13] Green [14] Red

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU

[15] made new friends: YES [16] fallen out of love: Nope, don’t believe in that kind of love [17] laughed until you cried: yea [18] found out someone was talking about you: yea [19] met someone who changed you: YEAH [20] found out who your true friends are: Yes, I did! So great [21] kissed someone on your facebook list: Nooope

GENERAL

[22] how many of your tumblr friends do you know in real life: like 5 because in high school, we made tumblr accounts for a school project and followed each other. they’re not active tho [23] do you have any pets: no [24] do you want to change your name: nah i love my name [25] what did you do for your last birthday: ate lots of food.. no party [26] what time did you wake up: 7:30am [27] what were you doing at midnight last night: doing a project for school [29] when was the last time you saw your mother: umm about 5 days ago [30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: i wish i could be doing more to make our world better. seriously, we all need help and we all need to help  [31] what are you listening to right now: listening to my sister sing <3  [32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: no [33] something that is getting on your nerves: the current state of the administration in my country, too much drama online, stupid people who are free loaders [35] elementary: Yes [36] high school: Yes [37] college: yea!! in my second year now :) probably gonna take master’s degree after, and then take a second degree [38] hair colour: black.. never dyed my hair before [39] long or short hair: just reaches my shoulders.. short-ish [40] do you have a crush on someone: i have a crush on a lot of celebrities  [41] what do you like about yourself: that i like to find positivity in everyone and everything even though my whole exterior screams negativity to throw people off [42] piercings: my ears [44] nickname: Aly [45] relationship status: Single [46] zodiac sign: Leo [47] pronouns: she/her [48] fav tv show: Right now it’s Riverdale. I’m also obsessed with Reign though. Anything superhero, I love as well. [49] tattoos: no.. i don’t like needles huhu  [50] right or left handed: Right

FIRST

[51] surgery: nope [52] piercing: i got my first piercing when i was a baby [53] best friend: my twin sisterrrrr <3 and our little brotherrrr he’s the bestest brother ever [54] sport: Swimming, track [55] vacation: my favourite was when we went to AUSTRALIAAAAA back in 2010 [56] pair of trainers: i mean, I mostly just wear chucks 

RIGHT NOW

[57] eating: lunch [58] drinking: water [59] I’m about to: do my paper for my microbiology class [60] listening to: still my sister singing [61] waiting for: my phone to be fully charged [62] want: Sleep, more food, go back home to see the family [63] get married: ehh in the far future, probably but definitely not now. i’m only a struggling 17 year old in college lol [64] career: career in trying to keep my life together if it counts

WHICH IS BETTER

[65] hugs or kisses: Hugs! I like cuddling [66] lips or eyes: Eyes. Something about people’s eyes that draw me in [67] shorter or taller: Taller because i’m already suuuuper short [68] older or younger: Older but not like 10 years older or something [69] romantic or spontaneous: Romantically spontaneous?? yea [70] nice arms or nice stomach: i’m okay with either [71] sensitive or loud: Sensitive! [72] hook up or relationship: Relationships.. i take those things seriously even though i don’t believe in love [73] troublemaker or hesitant: Hesitant. i don’t like trouble.. i’m like too much of a goody-goody badass type to be a troublemaker

HAVE YOU EVER

[74] kissed a stranger? No [75] drank hard liquor? No [76] lost glasses/contact lenses? nooo [77] turned someone down: Yes.. quite brutally and i’m only realising now how bad i was.. but we’re still super close now [78] sex on first date? Nopeee [79] broken someone’s heart? Yes… but we’re best friends now [80] had your own heart broken? Yes.. and das why i’m playing up this stone cold exterior now (but this isn’t about a person i like.. more like family stuff) [81] been arrested? Nah [82] cried when someone died? Yes [83] fallen for a friend: nope

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

[84] yourself? yea i do [85] miracles? YES [86] love at first sight? Nahhh [87] santa claus? yeaa hahaha [88] kiss on the first date? no not for me  [89] angels? I DO

OTHER

[90] current best friend’s name: Alexa and Juan [91] eye colour: brown [92] favourite movie: can’t chooooose

[streetlightssymphony-blog]

CALL ME ALEX! By Jemerson L. Eugenio

Good Afternoon ladies and gentleman!

 I never really thought I would end up like this-breathing, enjoying the bliss brought by life and speaking in front of you right now. I have three kids and of course one wife. By the way call me LEX, AXEL mmmmmm…

 The speaker paused for a moment, as if thinking for something or just remembering his speech. But gross, it’s his name!

 Ah…Ah… by the way call me Alex. Yeah, call me Alex. That’s it! Ahmm, I would like to extend my sincerest gratitude for the organizers of this event, for conducting this kind of simple life sharing. So, let’s kick it on!

 Actually, I was the third among my four other siblings. We originally came from Antique since my mother and father would like to build and to have a good life, we traded our life through it, like any other people from the province are doing- we went to Manila. But I just found out, it was different.

We live under the bridge hearing all the sounds of the trucks, cars and buses all through day and night. Well, the rent was just 500 pesos a month. My mother works as a maid and my father is shouting at every station to call for passengers. We only eat twice: 1 for lunch and 1 for dinner. I remember, I was seventeen years old at that time. I am entering my class from 6:30am-12:00pm after that, I went to the market and sells vegetables with Aling Martha.

Our routine was just the same, we woke up at 4:00 in the morning, go to school, to the market, go home, eat and sleep. I never had that experience playing with my “barkadas” in Manila. I only thought of our daily sustenance, my projects and how can I earn money.

But something had changed my life and that I will never ever forget.

The speaker rather Mr. Alex paused for a moment, the hall was filled with silence, everyone was waiting for the next words he’s going to say.

It was on the year 2009 when the super typhoon “Kyle” had devastated the Philippines, particularly in Manila. I am going home at that time when the strong wind began to blow, then the rain pours tremendously. Soaking wet in the rain, as I went home I saw my mother and father busy preparing all our things packing all our clothes and other kitchen wares. My three other siblings were also busy packing their things up. My mother said, “Alex, pack your things now, we are going to the evacuation center, the typhoon will hit us and will wipe us all down! Hurry!” I can still remember how the intense wind removed our ceilings.

Afterwards, one man shouted, “The water is getting higher, let us go now at the earliest time possible!”

But the rain really pours so hard, the wind blows unceasingly without any hesitation. We can’t go out of our house at that moment. We were trapped and the water is getting higher and higher. We were all crying, praying and embracing everyone. My father had devised a plan, “I knew it, let us make the wood and the galvanized roof be attached to each other then we’ll make it as a boat so that, we can ask for help and be saved!”  And so, we don’t have any choice but to follow, we all work for it and afterwards, we were all in that improvised boat and altogether, under the pouring rain and wind we boat our lives away from the bridge.

We are going with the wrath waves of the river. We were all in tears shouting for help but no one was able to help us. The river waves so hard, the rain pours immensely and the wind blows to its limits.

As we were boating, my three siblings slipped off the boat and they’ve gone like a bubble, my father tried to save them but he can’t for our boat rans fast and it’s really too dangerous. I can still hear the last cry of my one sibling pleading for help. But what can I do, I can’t have a battle with the nature. Our tears flow unceasingly.

We can’t do anything but to move forward for the flow of the river is pushing us so fast, we just pray, cry and just let the moment go even if it’s so painful, hoping that after this we’ll see each other again.

As the stormy night is getting deeper, the flow of the rain is getting stronger with the waves of the river, I can only hear cries, the water as it touches the river and the waves. Then, with the grace of God, we were being rescued by some of the volunteers. Now we are only three, me, my Mother and my Father. We asked the rescuers if they can do anything for my 3 other siblings to find them but the rescuers declared the it is still dangerous right at this moment for the center of the typhoon is currently the place at that moment.

We were placed in an evacuation area with the other evacuees, as I watched the rain falls, I recount those moments, those days I spent with my siblings. I told my mom and my dad that they should be strong for there is still hope.

Early the next morning, prints of the typhoon can be seen, flooded communities, houses without roof, it is really mind blowing, but here’s the saddest thing, my three siblings were just found floating in the river in the other barangay, they were all lifeless, silent heartbeats, no pulse, there is nothing. We all cried to what we have seen. At that moment we felt we are lifeless too.

           Moving on with our grief, the city government helps us in the burial of my three siblings and help flooded out for different people. It is not that fast to recover, the pain, the tragedy, the moment, I wanted to help them. That’s why, I all tell you, treasure everyone, every moment, you have with the person you love. For me we don’t know when and where that unacceptable thing will happen. Live your life with them. Now, to all those who are the same experience like me (lose their love one’s) there is the challenge, make that circumstance a stepping stone for you to go million miles in your life, don’t stick up in there, unfold mysteries and so with it, then later on you will learn to answer the riddle of life. Then, those whom you love will be happy to where are now and to what you have accomplished.

           Lately this year, my mother and father died after a car accident, I don’t have any regrets in losing them for I’ve learn my lesson. I am now happy that are all in heaven, they are just waiting for me though.

           One last thing, storms may come into our life, it may sway us or rain hard at us or blow us up to the farthest, but will you keep yourself do so? Rise and live, it’s not yet late, fight with the storm, battle with the dreams and then conquer your dreams.Thank you very much and God bless us all!

The audience claps their hands in awe and stood from their seats to give honor to Alex. Suddenly, the host of the event announced: “For the information of everybody. Mr. Alex is currently the CEO of the Penumbra Company and is now helping and volunteering to those victims of calamities and other related cases. Thank you very much!”

The whole place was filled with the sound of applause coming from the audience, for they have been blessed for they’ve listened to Alex’s story of battle and survival.

[aboutamandasadventures-blog]

T-Minus 13 days until lift off!

I cannot believe that it is already almost here. The next time I write you I will be in Costa Rica! While I never stopped trusting God’s plan, it sometimes felt like this day would never come. Now that it is just around the corner, there is much to do and so little time!

However, my time at the Center for Intercultural Training here in North Carolina has been so good. I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to come and learn from all of these wonderful people. 

 First of all, it has been incredibly life-giving to simply be around so many people who are going through the same things: support raising, saying goodbye, learning languages, entering new cultures, occasionally feeling inadequate yet still trusting that “God equips the called; he doesn’t call the equipped,” and so much more.  Sitting in a classroom from 8:30am to 3:30pm (with a few breaks) has been a bit of a difficult transition. I haven’t done that for seven years! It has been so worth it. I wish I could tell you about everything we have been learning, but I don’t think you nor I have enough time for that, so I will just pick out a couple of the ones that have been the most impactful.

We have two classes every day: 1) Heart of the Missionary and 2) Equipping for Cross Cultural Life & Ministry. The first class focuses on what you would expect from the name: the heart of the missionary (us!). We have discussed things like: Idolatry, repentance, our tendency to rely on ourselves, and one of my favorite lessons was about the, “Hazards of Being a Mature Christian”. When I first ready that title, I was a little skeptical. As class went on I realized that it made total sense! In our binders I saw a list of things that could happen as we grow in our faith. There could be more opportunity for:

1. An unteachable spirit, because we know a lot (1 Corinthians 8:1)

2. Self-reliant ministry, because we have strengths, gifts and wisdom.

3. Self-deception, since we are more able to hide behind religious truth and religious knowledge, and avoid our own critical heart issues.

4. Self-righteousness, because we are doing better and make fewer BIG mistakes.

5. A critical and judgmental spirit, because we are more sensitive about sin.

6. Defensiveness, because there is more reputation and appearance to protect.

7. Pride, due to the greater blessings that may come to us and through us.

8. Resistance to suffering, since we have less reason to believe we “deserve” it.

Here is where I get to be real and open with y’all. So, no judgment zone, right? (I love the word y’all and I feel justified using it because I’m in the south!) The two “hazards of being a mature Christian” that I felt applied to me the most are and “unteachable spirit” and “self-deception”. Before I arrived and CIT (Center for Intercultural Training), I was really bummed about the idea of having homework. I started venting to myself about how this class is probably going to be more like a refresher course for me anyhow and I didn’t want to read these books we were supposed to read before we arrived. Because I know it all, right? Yikes. God heard this and showed me grace. Within the first couple pages of “The 3D Gospel” my mind was blown. “I have never thought of the Gospel like that before!” I thought.

I immediately realized that I needed to ask God for a more teachable spirit, because as it turns out, I don’t know everything!

Humbling, I know. No judgment zone, remember?

The description of the hazard of self-deception was cool to read actually because it put words to a feeling that I had been experiencing for a little while, but couldn’t quite describe. It has become too easy for me at times to fight lies or hardships with scripture that I know in my mind to be true, but then not actually get to why I am believing the lie or thinking the things in the first place.

The second class, Cross Cultural Life and Ministry, has made me aware of so many cultural differences that I would never have thought of otherwise. Some topic are: transitions, ethnocentrism, folk religion (how culture impacts religions), cross cultural communication, and how to present the Gospel cross culturally. An example of this that they had us do in class was to present the Gospel to a partner as if you were sharing with an eight year old. We all simplified and used verbiage that a child would understand, while not changing the truths that are in the Bible. The same goes for different cultures! I don’t mean that we need to simplify  the gospel, rather put it in terms that would make the most sense to them! Kind of like how Pual says it in 1 Corinthians 9:19-23:

“Though I am free and belong to no one, I have made myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God’s law but am under Christ’s law), so as to win those not having the law. To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all people so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings.”

Here in the United States we respond to restoration through justification: Jesus died to pay for my sins. In other cultures though, they would respond better to restoration through restoration of shame: humans, having shamed God by wanting to be all-knowing like him and eating the fruit from the forbidden tree, need to restore honor in their relationship with God. That is what Jesus did by humbling himself by coming to the earth to live as a needy human baby and dying on the cross even though he was perfect. All of the cultures in the word represent God in different ways because all humans are made in God’s image. How beautiful is that!? I have also been able to take advantage of our free time on the weekends. Every Saturday and sometimes Sunday a group of us have taken to the mountains for some hiking. Those hikes have included new friends, old friends, solo hiking, some of the tallest peaks east of the Mississippi, and even bits of the Appalachian Trail.

This was the trail head to the Appalachian Trail we started at; it’s right on the Tennessee/ North Carolina border.  

Below is the highest peak I hiked on the Grassy Ridge (about 6200 ft.). I was in the clouds/fog so there wasn’t much of a view, but what I could see what beautiful! I started running because it looked like it was going to rain. At one point the wind was so strong that it made me loose my footing and I totally wiped out! It was a gift from God, which sounds silly, but I have always felt that wind was so wild and exhilarating!

Prayer Requests:  - Get all paperwork needed for visa  - Use the 13 days I have left wisely  - God would help me leave well so I can adjust well when I get there. 

Praises:  - CIT has been so rewarding and eye opening - New friendships made here at the training - Only 13 days until I’m in Costa Rica!