#die zappelfamilie

[incorrectoldgermanstoriesquotes]

Philip: Bad news on your campaign to stay dad, Dad. Philip's father: Oh? Philip: Yep. The latest poll of eight-year-olds in this household shows that they don't care about issues this year. It's character that counts. Philip's father: So why the bad news? Philip: Who's the bimbo with you in this old prom picture? Philip's father: That "bimbo" is your MOTHER! Philip's mother: Who's a bimbo?! Philip: Pretty funky hairdo, Mom!

[incorrectoldgermanstoriesquotes]

Philip's mother: I'm so angry they opened that Coffeebucks smack in the middle of the old town square. Philip's father: Why? Because it's so corporate? Philip's mother: No… Philip's father: Because of the parking crunch? Philip's mother: No… Philip's father: Because it'll hurt all the mom and pop coffee shops? Philip's mother: Because it's right on the route Philip takes home from school. Philip's father: I wondered why his teeth were chattering all through dinner.

[incorrectoldgermanstoriesquotes]

(Philip and his father are watching football on TV.)

Announcer: A spectacular catch for another first down!

Philip's father: Come on, ref, move those chains!

Philip: Yeah!

Philip's mother: (enters) Why are you watching football? (changes the channel) Look, "A Christmas Carol" is on! Oooh, look, it's Jacob Marley's ghost!

Philip's father: (less excitedly) Come on, Jacob, move those chains.

Philip: Somehow it's not the same...

[incorrectoldgermanstoriesquotes]

Philip: Wow, chocolate chip cookie batter! I love it before it's cooked! Can I have some? Please, please?

Philip's mother: No, it's got raw eggs in it and you could get salmonella poisoning.

Philip: (disappointed) One more nostalgic part of childhood goes THBPPTH.

[incorrectoldgermanstoriesquotes]

Philip: Gonna take a nap, Dad? Philip's father: (lying down on the couch) That's right. Philip: Good idea. Say, where do you keep your car keys? Philip's father: They're hanging on the key hook by the door. Why? Philip: Oh, no reason. Just wondering. Philip's father: Okay. Philip: When you start the car, do you turn the key to the left, or to the right? Philip's father: Um, to the right, but… Philip: Great. Good information, Dad. Philip's father: Mm. Philip: By the way, how long is this nap of yours going to last? (Later, the father naps with his feet atop an overturned playpen in which Philip is sitting with his arms crossed.) Philip's mother: You just don't know when to stop asking questions, do you? Philip: (scowls at her)

[incorrectoldgermanstoriesquotes]

Philip: (getting dressed in a suit and tie) Why do I have to wear these dorky clothes and get my hair combed?!

Philip's mother: Your Dad's going to take your picture. Hold still. (begins to comb Philip's hair)

Philip: I don't WANT to get my picture taken!

Philip's mother: It will just take a few minutes. We're going to put the picture of you in our Christmas cards so everyone can see what you look like now.

Philip: What a dumb idea. Why are we doing that?

Philip's father: So we won't have relatives dropping by to visit.

Philip's mother: DEAR...

...

(Philip is sitting on a stool. Philip's father aims the camera.)

Philip's father: Ready? OK, give me a nice smile.

(Philip is sitting nicely with a pleasant smile on his face.)

Philip's father: That's good. One... two... three!

(When the count reaches three, Philip makes a weird face. *CLICK!*)

(Philip's father chases his son.)

Philip: My hair's getting messed up, Dad!

...

(Philip is sitting on the stool again.)

Philip's father: There's not much space left on the memory card, so stop making faces when I take the picture, or your name's mud. You could've been done 20 minutes ago if you'd just cooperated. Now give me a smile and hold it for two seconds.

(Philip partly closes his eyes and opens his mouth strangely. *CLICK!*)

Philip's father: PHILIP!

Philip: THAT WAS A SMILE! I SMILED!

...

(Philip's parents are looking at photos. One looks like Philip had sucked a lemon, one has him shaking his face back and forth, one has him leaned back so you see up his nose, one has him looking backward.)

Philip's father: We can't send these in our Christmas cards. People will think it's sacrilegious.

Philip's mother: Well, these DO look like Philip... except for the combed hair.

[incorrectoldgermanstoriesquotes]

Philip's mother: So your teacher didn't know you ripped your pants, and he made you do a problem at the chalkboard?

Philip: That sums it up.

Philip's mother: How awful! What did you do??

Philip: I didn't have a choice. I mooned the whole class.

Philip's mother: That's why you're home early?

Philip: Three teachers and the principal couldn't restore order.

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Philip's mother: (Angrily presses buttons on a computer keyboard) Argh!

Philip's father: What's the matter with you?

Philip's mother: Argh! Computer problems. I'm ticked because I haven't been able to post on my blog today.

Philip's father: (Eyes wide, runs to the window. He looks out the window. It's a perfectly normal day outside.)

Philip's father: And yet somehow, the world goes on.

Philip's mother: (Droops her head) Leave.