#didnt make any art in the fall/winter for some reason

[szczylpierdolony]

theres sm i wanna do and i have the time but im also tired and overwhelmed and losing my mind

[bridenore]

HD Forced bed sharing fic recs

Forced bed sharing is a favorite trope of mine. Here are a few recs listed in alphabetical order. 

***

All the Earnest Young Men by @tepre [29k]

All over London portraits are disappearing from their canvases.

Auror Harry! Expert-in-Magical-Art-Theory Draco! There’s running, dancing, falling through ice, what’s this paper giraffe doing here? A great time was had by all.

Allegiance and Sedition by SilentAuror [98k]

The war is in its fifth year, and Harry finds himself caught up in the confusion of friend versus enemy, spy versus traitor.

Bond by AnnaFugazzi [173k]

Yet another one of those Harry And Draco Are Forced To Be Together By Something Beyond Their Control And Then Stuff Happens Leading To Twoo Wuv stories. Because every HD writer has to write at least one

Chain Me Up or Set Me Free by @alpha-exodus [12k]

This horrid bonding thing is all Potter’s fault, obviously. As for what comes after that? Draco’s not quite sure.

Constellations on your skin by shushu_yaoi_lj / @orange-peony​ [56k]

“I’m going to get my scars removed,” Draco announces on a rainy Wednesday afternoon.

“Who are you seeing?” Blaise asks.

“The best Healer out there,” Draco replies with a little shrug. “Harry Potter.”

A Convenient Impracticality by @firethesound [38k]

Somehow Harry ends up agreeing to a fake relationship with his ex-nemesis-turned-friendly-acquaintance-with-benefits, except for some reason it involves an awful lot of actual dating and, sadly, not much sex. Confused? Harry is too, but when has anything with Draco Malfoy ever been as straightforward as it seems?

Draco Malfoy, It’s Your Lucky Day by @faith2wood [37k]

Even though he’s unarmed, injured, lost in the Forbidden Forest, and facing a possible murder charge, Draco Malfoy gets lucky.

Exceeds Eggspectations by Elle Gray (LGray) [61k]

Eighth year. Winter. Christmas has been and gone. Harry’s just been dumped and so has Malfoy. There’s a stupid fake baby assignment to be done, and what’s the harm in doing it together, really, when life is this shit already? This is not slow burn, this is a roman candle pointed at a pile of dry twigs that represent your heart.

Expecting to Fly by @coriesocks​  [45k]

While at university in America, Harry plans a cross-country trip to get laid. He doesn’t count on having to take this trip with Draco Malfoy.

Famished by LadyGaGalion [10k]

Draco thought his life couldn’t get any worse. He was wrong. Now Harry Potter’s stuck to his arm.

Firebond by Oakstone730 / @i-didnt-wanna-do-it​  [94k]

Draco is forced to tutor Harry in potions. A slight problem occurs.

Follow the Water by @xanthippe74 [38k]

Harry Potter’s life is fine. Maybe a little dull and predictable, but he shouldn’t complain about that, right? When he unexpectedly finds himself at Luna’s house one afternoon, Harry gets invited to join the secret wonderland that she’s creating with a surprising group of friends. Maybe a summer outdoors is just what a former hero needs to bring some zest back into his life.

Heartlines by @shiftylinguini [72k]

Harry never expected he’d end up chipping away at his virginity while wandless and bonded to Malfoy in Northern Europe.

He never expected that would turn out to be the least surprising thing to happen while out on their training expedition in the middle of nowhere, either.

Hungry by birdsofshore [24k]

The first thing Harry knew about it was when he woke up lying on a bed in the hospital wing, with his arm firmly stuck to the scrawny, milk-white arm of Draco bloody Malfoy.

If It Takes All Night by @tackytigerfic [10k]

It’s not the first time Harry’s been the victim of a botched curse (that’s one of the reasons he doesn’t like crowds), but he feels bad that Malfoy had to get caught up in it too.

So they’re bonded. That’s ok, they just have to make sure to be touching at all time. No problem. Because Malfoy smells so nice, and has such lovely shiny hair, and his skin is so very warm.

But this isn’t going to be a problem for their friendship at all.

Is it, Harry?

In Evidence of Magical Theory by @bixgirl1 [43k]

When a hex meant for Draco accidentally catches Harry as well, they’re forced to learn to understand each other in ways they previously might have thought impossible.

In which Harry and Draco can’t fight, so they fall in love instead.

Lift Your Open Hand by @firethesound [18k]

With Draco Malfoy as his assigned partner for the next six weeks of Auror training, Harry had been prepared for things to go poorly. But getting themselves accidentally bonded to each other in the first twenty minutes of their very first assignment seemed going above and beyond, even for them.

Lions and Serpents and Snowboarders, Oh My! by @coriesocks [29k]

What happens when the Potter men invite the Malfoys on a family skiing holiday to Fleur’s family chalet? As it turns out, all sorts of things. There are late night confessions, malfunctioning ski lifts, far too much vin chaud…  And then there’s the unfortunate incident involving two naked teenagers, and the even more unbearable reciprocity that comes from your children having no boundaries and your new lover not locking the fucking door. Oh, and there’s also some snowboarding.

The Moon Looks Lovely Tonight by Omi_Ohmy [35k]

When Harry moves into the damp and empty Black house, it doesn’t quite feel like home. And then the first owl moves in. After that, it’s a steep slope leading to bed-sharing, more owls, assorted housemates, strange potions experiments, and terrible cooking. And a bit of waltzing, too.

Nights With You by @the-sinking-ship [58k]

Draco is mortified when moments prior to departing for the most anticipated destination wedding of the year, he is cruelly dumped. But when he learns that Harry Potter has, at long last, split with his horrible boyfriend, Draco is certain his luck has changed. Never a man to squander an opportunity for revenge (and what would probably be a spectacular shag), Draco vows to make Potter his for the weekend. Now all Draco has to do is convince him.

On Your Shore by @xanthippe74 [35k]

Clearing out a remote house full of cursed collectibles in the Outer Hebrides? Not a problem for an experienced curse breaker like Harry Potter. Spending a week with the straight, happily-married man that he’s starting to have feelings for? And sharing a bed with him at night? Surely Harry can handle that, too. But both the house and Draco Malfoy have secrets to uncover, and Harry might be in deeper water than he thought.

The Safe House by @emmagrant01 [10k]

Aurors Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy are forced to spend Christmas together in a safe house. Bet you can guess what happens. ;-)

Salt on the Western Wind by Saras_Girl [60k]

When the war isn’t quite as over as it first appears, a guilt-ridden Harry is sent to a mysterious safe-house. Among sandwiches, insomnia, and Mills & Boon, he discovers something quite unexpected.

Sharing Different Heartbeats by talithan [17k]

It’s Harry’s first time in New York City, and he is determined to have a good time. How Draco Malfoy figures into this remains to be seen.

The Sleeping Beauty Curse by who_la_hoop [152k]

When Draco Malfoy falls into a cursed sleep and can only be woken – at least, according to the Daily Prophet, that impeccable source of truth – by ‘true love’s kiss’, Harry Potter knows there’s no way on earth he’s the answer to this particular riddle. Is he …?

There Is Always the Moon by @firethesound [159k]

Draco’s life after the war is everything he wanted it to be: it’s simple, and quiet, and predictable, and safe. But when a mysterious curse shatters the peace he’d worked so hard to build, there’s only one person he can trust to help him. After all, Harry Potter has saved his life before. Now Draco has to believe that Potter will be able to do it one more time.

To Be Back Again in the Rest of the Room by lamerezouille [15k]

Harry’s just defeated Voldemort, and has had enough trouble for a lifetime. All he wants to do now is to get into his four-poster bed in Gryffindor Tower and sleep. Too bad he soon finds himself unexpectedly stuck in a malfunctioning Room of Requirement… with Malfoy.

Touchstone by @faith2wood [7k]

Two years after their break up, Harry and Draco meet again under familiar circumstances: Draco is in danger, Harry saves him.

Yesterday by suhtmuikkis [9k]

Harry doesn’t intentionally kidnap Draco Malfoy. Really it’s debatable if you can even call it kidnapping but the git surely seems to think so.

***

I hope you enjoy these stories as much as I did!

[vagarius]

misukazu 21

(if you saw me fuck up the other one no you didnt)

EDIT I THINK THIS ONE GOT A LITTLE FUCKED UP TOO BUT IT’S... READABLE...

questions from this post, and answers originally written for this thread!!

If you had to change the pairing’s very first meeting, how would you change it?    their canon first meeting is already so good SHDGFLJASHG but if i had to choose a different one that's still within the context of mankai... meeting as kids and losing touch and coming back together completely different at mankai

What song fits your pairing the most?    uhhHHhhHHH i don't have a real answer but i do have a partial playlist for one of my misukazu aus and the only two songs in it are furaregai girl by sayuri and champagne's for celebrating by mayday parade and i feel like that says enough sldhgalsdhfalsh

What is your favorite AU/prompt idea/trope for your pairing?     ALL MISUKAZU AUS ARE GOOD but. i really love any au where their first meeting is in the future and both are still kind of lost but they're Older and it's hard to let themselves fall into the easy trust they find in canon. i just think that'd be neat.

Do you prefer canon ideas or do you have your own headcanons for them?     I'VE SAID THIS MANY TIMES BUT CANON MISUKAZU GIVES OFF MADE FOR EACH OTHER VIBES AND USUALLY I DON'T VIBE WITH THAT BUT THEY REALLY ARE WHAT THE OTHER NEEDS... AND I THINK EVEN IF THEY HAD TO PART THEY'D STILL BE ABLE TO BE BETTER PEOPLE BC THEY HAD MET

Favorite canon moment of them?     THERE ARE SO MANY but the one that immediately comes to mind is misumi carrying drunk kazu to bed (latest bday line) because drunk kazu is so soft and it implies that misumi wanted to wish happy birthday to kazu pretty late... what did he want to give him...

Least favorite canon moment of them?     hmm... there's not really one i can think of??? IM SORRY I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY I LOVE ALL THEIR CANON MOMENTS

Favorite headcanon trope/idea? (Your own or someone else’s)    this is somehow both vague and very specific but i think misukazu gives off this vibe: He's beautiful. I can't tell him. or "Kazu is always beautiful~" Don't call me that, Kazu thinks. I'm not. so... insecurities i guess ????? AJSHAJJD

Favorite aspect of them/their relationship dynamics?     THIS IS GOING TO SOUND SO CHEESY but i love how /real/ they allow themselves to be around each other. misukazu at their best is when one thinks "you're you. and i love that you" and the other knows this. i just. THEY VALIDATE THE OTHER SO MUCH CRIES

Least favorite aspect of them/their relationship dynamics? (Can be headcannon)     this isn't a "least fav" so much as "it makes me sad" but if either of them showed any sign of not being interested anymore the other is more likely to give up then push anything. sort of like "it was bound to happen, so i'll enjoy now until they drop me" or EVEN WORSE they think the other would be better off without them and pushes them away. so yeah the fact i can see one of these happening makes me sad.

If they aren’t a canon pairing, how would you get them together?     they give off "everyone knows we're dating but us" energy but at the same time i feel like they'd acknowledge there's something and just not define it bc a) they don't need to (misumi) or b) they're too nervous to (kazu). in other words i think one day they are holding hands and misumi says "kazu? is this dating?" and kazu holds his breath before asking "do you want it to be?"

If you had to take them and plunk them into another fandom, what fandom would that be? Why?     i think theyd be hilarious in any sports animanga (kazu is manager tho bc noodle arms but maybe they bond when misumi walks him through some of his usual training menu one night - ahem. anyway) BUT ALSO horimiya au...

How hard is it write/draw your pairing? Scale of 1-10.     AJDHAJDHSF I REALLY LOVE THEM SO IT COMES PRETTY EASILY... but sometimes you try to put them in tropes and realize they would Just Not Work Like That. idk where i'm going with this. but yeah. anyway 3 for sankaku.

Is there a pairing that you think rivals them?     in terms of what i ship, i tend to ship kazu and misumi individually with a lot of dif charas AJDHAKD. but in terms of like... in-universe "rival" pairings: kazu side: tsuzukazu (maybe, lbr it would take them 273924 yrs to actually get together), kazu x someone from winter (i... have my reasons but they'd take longer than what this answer entails) misumi side: ... surprisingly none that i can think of ahdjahd

Which character of the pairing do you like more? (Would you ever pair yourself with them?)     you know that tweet that's like "sometimes a ship is just your two favs"? yeah that's misukazu for me. but if i had to choose... misumi AJDHAJHDSF I HONESTLY WASNT THAT INTO YUME UNTIL THESE TWO CAME AROUND (NOT COUNTING 707)... but yeah if they wanted to hold me in their arms i wouldn't oppose

Which character of your pairing would be the one to break up with the other? Why?     OOOOOH BOY well. i think it could be either of them. i don't think they'd break up for lack of love but too much love and wanting the other to be happy and thinking that the only way to give them that is to let them go. so i guess the question is which of them would be more likely to be selfish and hold on. thinking this way, i think misumi would be more likely to break-up, bc kazu has lots of friends who are better than him!! and misumi is more ready to leave if he thinks he needs to than kazu is. now im sad.

Are they relatable as characters or as a pairing?     THE NUMBER OF TIMES I'VE BEEN CALLED KAZU KIN... in all seriousness kazu's struggles with speaking out and (shinobi spoilers) his uncertainty over his future hit real close to home... while i don't relate as much as misumi, his struggles always manage to tear my heart into pieces... ((oversharing alert) i guess what really separates me from misumi is his struggle with his desire to connect with family who has treated him poorly... whereas im more "lol fuck you") tldr i relate to kazu slightly more LOL

Did you once/ever dislike one/both of them?     i never disliked them but i was NOT expecting either of them to shoot up so quickly into my favs list ahdjahdjf. also i started shipping them Immediately After reading summer main story so there's that

On an estimate, how many posts have you made about them?    as of september 28th 2020 i make up 11/78 fics on ao3 in the romantic misukazu tag and 2/12 in the platonic one. i may have brainrot.

What made you decide to ship them?     TBH I FINISHED THE MAIN STORY AND WENT "OH MY GOD... THAT'S MY SHIP" but now that i'm here i continue to ship them because they have the potential to bring out both the best and the worst in each other and i'm all about that

Favorite genre for them? (Angst, fluff, etc.)     angst. i just. angst hurt/comfort all the way. im so sorry babies.

lol you thought there would just be 21 ANYWAY EXTRA 1: how do they spend breaks/vacation?    they'd travel a lot when they're older!! kazunari loves to travel and misumi would follow kazunari anywhere (also, new triangles!!) so they go somewhere new whenever they have the time. however i think eventually one or both of their future careers will take them anywhere and everywhere anyway, so their "ideal vacation" might turn into an evening in, cuddling and catching up (as if they didn't already send play-by-play updates over the phone of whatever they did during the day)

EXTRA 2: first date?     i don't they ever have an explicit first date, but if asked they'll cite the time they had a picnic in the park turned triangle hunt turned accidental dip in the duck pond. at least, kazunari will. misumi just tilts his head and wonders what you mean.

EXTRA 3: gifts?     IM FEELING REALLY CHEESY SO I'M MAKING THIS ABOUT ANNIVERSARY GIFTS they both end up getting each other jewelry (although kazu was really really nervous bc he wasn't sure if misumi would wear it). kazu gets misumi a bracelet (with triangles, of course although misumi only wears it sometimes because he doesn't want to lose it) and misumi gets kazu a pair of triangle earrings "so we can match!" and kazunari combusts at the implications

EXTRA 4: sharing clothes     THEY'RE ACTUALLY AROUND THE SAME SIZE (and tend to wear baggier stuff barring kazu's skinny jeans)... but they have completely different Styles so it's still really obvious when steal each other's stuff ahdjajdkaf. as cute as kazu would look in sumi's sweatshirt i think the much more likely scenario is kazu wrapping misumi in his jackets because this boy nEVER BRINGS HIS ANYWHERE anyway just. accidental shared wardrobe misukazu.

EXTRA 5: lake house au    consider: kazunari living in a house on the shore of a lake for a summer for Art Purposes (and a little bit for Dealing With Life purposes but he's not gonna admit that) and meets his lake neighbor misumi who kazu thinks might be a ghost or spirit for a while but he actually just lives further down the lake and misumi unknowingly helps kazu with his Life Issues and maybe they fall in love

[rwby-ask-central]

RWBY VOL8 EP8 SPOILERS

As I usually do, I’m gonna tackle it in sections. As above, this is a spoiler. Normally, I’d wait but last night’s episode was SO MUCH.

The Grimm

So we’ve been wondering what that talking Grimm even is? Just a new breed? Or something MORE? Now we know. When we first got that glimpse, it kinda reminded me of Adam, which I confirmed it wasn’t because of the ending art credit. Also, I think it’s strange that it could somewhat resist the silver eyes. Obviously, we know why, but still strange. Salem and the Dragon couldn’t even do that. It’s reasonable to assume there’s more than just one of them. With how long this war has been going, it would be unreasonable if she DIDNT. She had plenty of time to experiment. Also, are the Grimm evolving? Or is it just that there are many variants Salem hid until now? The giant Seer Grimm, the acid digger? How many more are we going to see?

Penny

I’m SCREAMING. Nora was right. Penny is partially a machine, but not entirely. It’s just a part of who she is. If they found some way to sever her connection with the swords, maybe that would help? It’s likely that all the swords “talk” together to bend to penny’s instructions. Get rid of them all, and they can’t do that? Just a thought. I have a theory I’ll address at the end.

The Schnees

I’m proud of Whitely and Willow. They not only did their part, but are actually working together. Willow? It’s complicated. I’m proud of her overcoming her alcoholism (in part), but she was a coward. She ran away from what she couldnt understand and tried to drown her fears again. Ultimately, she didn’t. And now we know that she knows how to summon. We had an idea that one Mr. Jaque Schnee didn’t. It would stand to reason that Willow did, but to be in such a condition and still create one? Hell yes I’m happy. Between Whitely, Willow, and Weiss, maybe the Schnees can make a difference for the better...assuming they can get out of this mess...

Jail Birds & Co.

Qrow made a comment that was “that doesn’t sound like...GET DOWN”. That was followed by an image of a black bird. I got (unreasonably) happy. I thought that Raven had come to rescue her brother and maybe make amends. But Raven doesn’t care. Her place is with her tribe, so I’m not surprised it wasn’t. But if that’s the case....was it Qrow? Did Salem kill them all? Or let them flee? If they fled, where is Jaque? He doesn’t have any more connections or influence? Qrow can fly and Robin can make due. If Jaque is alive and escapes Atlas, I hope the Schnee family makes up and changes. We’ll see about Winter.

Theory Time!

I have two theories. The first one is about Penny! When she was not in control, she said she must open the vault and then self-terminate. What if they got her to open the vault, and then Ruby used her semblance to grab the staff first. With the people of Mantle Evacuated to safety, Ruby used the staff to turn Penny into a real girl. People often compare Penny to Pinocchio, so it would be fitting. This means that there wouldn’t be any way to control her. Atlas would fall, and that’s only acceptable because of Whitely. Maybe it would even Hurt the whale that’s currently just sitting on Atlas.

Theory two is something a bit less thought through. Where is summer? As far as we know? Dead. But apparently so was that man who was turned into a Grimm. I wonder if Salem has tried to turn the power of the Silver eyes against the world? If that was the case, would the power of the eyes even be effective against the Silver Eyed Grimm?? I’d still like to believe about my “Salem is actually just a bunch of goop surrounding Summer to use as a sacrifice” theory, but there’s really no proof that it would be the case.

Also, on a strange note, when the Grimm said it was here to take the girl and was holding Ruby, I assumed that Salem had ordered it to take Ruby to Salem to destroy her eyes. Which would be a problem. And I believe that by the end of the volume, we might just be down an eye or two...if there’s anything left to see, that is.

[tangerinegod]

Hello! I am sorry to bother you but I am a senior getting ready for college this year. I am in the US and I wanted to major in the same thing you did, do you have any possible tips for me? I still haven't even looked for colleges that would be best for animation majors so I figured if you were up to giving out any tips/saying any basic ideas if you wanted to/if you had the time to then maybe I'll have a better idea! I apologise for if I sound weird! I'm tried to word it correctly but I can't 😿

hi!! i’m totally down to share my experiences! someone else also had some questions so i’m going to put them all together in this post haha, hopefully this helps! it’ll get pretty long so apologies ahead of time but art school is a lot to think about so i wanna be as helpful as i can around it, its a lot of time and money. I’m gonna put it all under a read more cus it is really really long!

i wanna start off with the fact that I had the privilege of attending school in a financially stable environment, my parents were/are really supportive so w merit scholarship i only came out with around 20-30k in debt and i also had housing support my entire time in school. they were ok with me focusing on academics so i didn’t hold a retail job unless i was out of school like summer/winter break. Ofc though i regularly take commissions/do merch/cons to try and pay for all bills that arent rent cus i did want to be financially independent where it was possible. I also did try and work during the semester but everytime i did my body would deff start to breakdown from the fact that i didnt wanna compromise schoolwork with jobs.. so just read ahead know this experience is from a student who was able to attend focusing only on school work for most of the time!

the biggest thing is knowing art school is not required to become a professional in either freelancing or industry! there are a huuuge amount of online tools and classes these days that provide the exact same education and for cheaper too. i think it depends on what experience you prefer/can handle/want but it’s definitely possible to make art/animation art your living without higher education. the thing that college will for sure give you though is the ability to meet deadlines, work even when you dont want to, and connections with peers+teachers. i think the connections part is invaluable because you’re basically coming out with a network of people you already know and who know you! 

also its good to know if you want to attend/can handle art school! it’s a lot of time and energy and students get burned out really fast. the best piece of advice i got before going was ‘if you draw every single day, even if its for only like 5-10 minutes or a doodle for a whole year you should be fine’ consistency is super key because you’re attending school to draw, and you’ll have to create work for stuff you aren’t excited for at some point or another. burnout is extremely real and the only reason i didn’t experience it was probably because i got super into drawing naruto fanart again inbetween sophomore and junior year! it helped give me something to draw seperated from school which is the only thing i was drawing for since i had entered rip. a heads up id also consider myself a workaholic so i fit in ok with the ‘art school’ environment but it is suuper unhealthy. if you are fantastic at managing your schedule then it’s definitely possible to take care of yourself! freshman year i got 8 hours a sleep a night and only pulled all nighters for some second semester finals at the end. sophomore year + up though i ended up prioritizing hw over sleep and like for sure, definitely shortened my life span. there’s another q down below where i’ll go more into detail but ya, be careful w ur work balance!

another tip especially for animation is knowing for a fact what type of animation you’re looking to go into, and what the school is offering. I didn’t think i’d get into art school at the time so i only applied to two places + decided if i didnt get into either id attend community to get credits out of the way while building portfolio. honestly? i did not do a lot of research LOL but like i did end up having the chance to tour and stuff! just know that each school will have a very different curriculum. The main differences are schools that prioritize 3D (cg animation, cg modeling, ect) and 2D/traditional (hand drawn, ‘oldschool’, digital or traditional based) this is a huge difference so make sure you do research for it! in most cases a 2D/traditional program will also offer 3D since it’s at the forefront of the industry animation wise rn. My school taught 2D but like hand drawn on physical paper 2D, frame by frame. while it was a good experience it’s super outdated because digital tools make it way faster + easier! i’d recommend looking for a program that is digital 2D over traditional 2D. 

if after your senior year covid is still affecting campuses in the US to keep them shut down i’d recommend attending a community college to get credits and then transferring into school. one of the negatives is paying money for gened classes when ur not there for them; if you can get them out of the way sooner and cheaper there is absolutely no negative + you could graduate earlier or use the extra time for better work or to work a job! 

these are all the general tips i think i’d give on like a broad basis of attending or not to think about? let me know if u have more q’s! someone asked q’s im answering below that go more into personal experiences + work culture so heres those:

- how many hours a week do u spend studying, in class, otherwise making art? like how much of ur life does it consume?

I was basically working on art.... 24/7! since i wasnt working a job at the same time i crammed as many credits as possible into my schedule so on avg i did 18 credit semesters (around 6 classes) art classes go for 6 hours and non art go for 3, so i’d spent around 30-35 hours in class a week! hw wise it varied on the class but combined it would be around 35-50 hours a week... im guessing? on average studio classes would have 8-10 hours of hw, maybe 5 for a light week, and gened classes 5 hours w them all combined. or this was probably how things were before junior year? junior+senior year i had thesis + everything else ontop.. i’d spend around 30-40 hours on thesis a week with other classes ontop of that bc my film was super long cus im a dummy! 

- is it hard going to art school n realising that altho u were probably quite talented… so is everyone else? Like. all of a sudden. ur not special and everyone seems as good as u, you know? More generally, how do u deal with comparison?

kinda?? i think instead of the idea of like you vs others it feels more of like a competition at first to be the best. this varies hugely on school culture though; my animation year was really friendly with each other and get along extremely well, so my answer to this is v different than some others who attended different schools. i think that the idea of ‘comparison’ only lasts a portion of the first year because at some point you realize that it’s not a who’s better as much as its a ‘these are my coworkers’ type thing? like healthy competition 100% because we’re all working to improve but i think most of us learned pretty early on that viewing each other as peers going into the same workforce helped a lot. also at some point everyone develops their own style/starts to develop their artistic preferences so there isn’t a way to compare whos 'better’ anymore? i dont think there ever is tbh because style is appealing based off of an individuals preferences. If anything realizing everyone else is also amazing makes you wanna work harder ig? or thats how i felt! it’s inspiring to be surrounded by so many people who create such amazing work. 

- is there a lot of workaholic culture? all nighter culture?

100000% there can be a workaholic and all nighter culture. i know people who avoided it and thats honestly fantastic because i fall super easily into that pit. sometimes i’ll pull all nighters on a personal project just because i really want to finish it... i am definitely considered a workaholic all the way through and its not healthy rip... i’d estimate at the worst i was pulling 2-3 all nighters a week and only 4-5 hours of sleep on the nights i didn’t? that was only for one year tho, after that i was like yeah ok this is really bad for my health in the long run LOL so i tried to cut it down to one all nighter a week and around 5-6 hours of sleep the rest of the week! by senior year my decision to cram in full semesters paid off and i was able to consistently get around 7 hours of sleep a night + no all nighters minus finals since my schedule was lighter despite thesis 😭 while there is that culture i don’t think people view it as like a badge of honor or something to be proud of anymore which is good, we mostly view it as a flaw of the art school system and something that needs to be fixed!!

- are you glad u did it? how did u know it was what u wanted?

i am glad i did it! i’m definitely in a limbo right now of if it was worth both my time, money, and my parents money rip but i think with what i got out of it i definitely wouldn’t be as far skill wise or knowledge wise when it comes to the art industry. i would say it was only worth it for be because i had so much support going in though so i was able to focus so much on improving. if i had only been able to put in part of the effort and not make full use of the resources provided i would honestly have a different answer.. 

i knew it was what i wanted when i realized i really couldn’t see myself pursuing a different profession happily! despite all the bumps and stuff im fully in love with drawing still and feel honored that it’s a field that can provide a living. my second profession choice was to go into culinary school? and third option i think going was into music cus i was also a band kid hehe.  

- how do u cope with ur hobby becoming ur job? how do u deal with art going from something u do for fun to something u do on command constantly?

i think seperating work art from personal art is important! in my case im doubling naruto into being personal work so i have something to fall back onto that isn’t work related. its been a hyperfixation for 12+ years? so drawing it at this point is just like personal art imo. some people have hobbies outside of art and only draw for their job! i think after attending classes for so long the idea of hobby turning into job feels extremely natural? also i enjoy doing it so thats a huge plus! 

sorry this is SO long but i hope i answered your guys’ questions! if you have more just lmk!

[thirteen-beaxhes]

So yah you made my soulmate cry about your not Tyrus Endgame fic so like if you could make an alternate tyrus endgame chapter that would be great and i wont fite you with bacon

hello hello my dude sskskskssk iM SORRY I DIDNT WANNA HURT ANYONE but i actually had panned out an alternate ending for ‘Our Last Words’ but ultimately scrapped it for the original so i pulled out those notes.

SO this is set after Chapter 7 of ‘Our Last Words’. To recap: the chapter ends with them finally confessing and kissing dramatically in the rain, but Cyrus confessed his fear of losing TJ if he is his soulmate, but TJ reassures him it’ll be okay. But he’s still scared. 

LINKS IN REBLOG 

~~~~~~

With or Without You - U2

Cyrus wished, at that moment, that he had never met TJ.

He wasn’t even sure what the argument had started about, but now they were fully yelling in each other’s faces, hurling insult after insult at each other. Cyrus knew he didn’t mean any of what he was saying, but his mind was stuck in a storm and there was no getting out.

“You can be so infuriating sometimes, Cyrus,” TJ yelled, wildly running his fingers through his hair.

“Oh really? How come?” Cyrus hissed, glaring at TJ.

“Are you serious? All past year, I’ve been so patient, and understanding, never asking why you would just up and leave in between dates or hanging out, trying to not let it upset me. But you never said why, you just kept doing it. And it sucked. But what sucked more is you never said a word. You always just left.”

“I’m sorry, okay? It’s just, I,” Cyrus stammered, unable to find the words. How was he supposed to tell TJ about his nervousness about soulmates and the numbers and letters printed on his shoulder, without sounding paranoid?

TJ just turned away from Cyrus, pinching the bridge of his nose, leaning against the kitchen counter in his house. He took a deep breath but kept his head down.

“I’m gonna go,” Cyrus mumbled, grabbing his phone from the table. TJ scoffed.

“Are you serious right now? You’re literally doing the same thing again!”

“I just have to go,” Cyrus started, his tone pleading.

“Why, Cyrus? Why can’t you just tell me?”

“I can’t! Okay? I can’t tell you!” Cyrus yelled, the tears filling up in his eyes, as he moved to the door. He grabbed his coat and left TJ’s house, the cold air of winter hitting him in the face as soon as he walked out. All he heard was TJ’s sigh as he shut the door behind him.

As he walked away from the house, Cyrus let the tears fall. This had been their worst fight yet. They didn’t fight very often, only irrelevant arguments every now and then. But this one seemed different. And despite how much it hurt, Cyrus knew that it was warranted in some sense. He had been so caught up in his fear of TJ being his soulmate that he had not considered how TJ would be feeling with him leaving abruptly almost every time they hung out.

Were they still together? Cyrus asked himself as he made his way to the Spoon. He really hoped they were, and that this was just another obstacle they would get over. But for some reason, he felt unsure. And that just left a weird feeling in his gut. He shook his head slightly as he pushed open the door of the Spoon, just wanting to settle down with some baby taters and a milkshake.

“Oh, Cyrus! Hey,” a voice said from behind him, and Cyrus turned to see Walker sitting in a booth, waving him over. Cyrus rubbed his nose, which was quite red, and smiled back, heading over to him.

“Hey Walker,” Cyrus said, sliding into the seat opposite to him. Walker furrowed his eyebrows, looking at Cyrus in concern.

“Are you okay, bro? You look hassled.”

Cyrus just waved him off, sniffing. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just, cold and stuff.”

Walker didn’t look convinced, but nodded his head anyway, as the waitress set down their food. They spent the next half an hour just talking about nothing in particular, Cyrus starting to feel a bit better about things. He hadn’t really spoken much to Walker before, what with all the drama involving him, Andi, Jonah and Buffy. It was a big mess that Cyrus wanted no part of. But, as he kept talking to him, Cyrus realised that they actually got on pretty well. If things were different, they could have been really good friends.

All the while they were at the Spoon, Cyrus itched to check his phone, desperate to see if TJ had texted him, said anything. At various points, he caved and checked, but the notifications were blank. He tapped his fingers against the table repeatedly, his underlying nervousness growing. Walker wasn’t blind, he picked up on his actions soon enough, and finally, he grabbed Cyrus’ hand, forcing him to stop tapping.

“Are you sure everything is okay, Cyrus?” Walker asked, looking Cyrus in the eye. Cyrus forced himself to look back at Walker, taking a deep breath.

“TJ and I got into a huge fight before this,” Cyrus said with a sigh, looking at the empty baby tater basket before him. “And I don’t know if we will still be okay.”

Walker shook his head. “You don’t need to worry about that. Your friendship is strong enough to last anything.”

Cyrus gave a short, emotionless laugh. “Friendship, maybe. But a relationship is different, I guess.”

Walker looked confused at first, but then realisation flooded his face, as he leaned back in his seat. “Oh. I’m sorry, I didn’t know you guys were-”

“It’s okay,” Cyrus interrupted, holding up his hand. “I know what you meant.”

Walker nodded. “I’m sure you guys will be okay.”

Cyrus sighed, taking the opportunity to check his phone again. Still nothing.

There was an awkward silence between them until Walker snapped his fingers. “Oh! I wanted to tell you. There’s an art exhibition tomorrow, and one of my paintings is gonna be there as one of the featured artist works.”

“Whoa, Walker, that’s amazing. I’m so happy for you,” Cyrus said, smiling as he bumped fists with him.

“Thanks, man. Anyway, I’d love it if you could come by and see it.”

“Really?” Cyrus asked.

“Yeah,” Walker shrugged. “I still haven’t told Andi or anyone, so you’re the first person I’ve told.”

Cyrus smiled, taking the flyer which Walker had passed over to him. “I’ll try my best to make it.”

“Cool,” Walker replied, smiling warmly. “Tomorrow?”

Cyrus bumped fists with him again as he slid out of the booth seat. “Tomorrow.”

*

Cyrus walked home, the temporary happiness from hanging out with Walker wearing out. He appreciated Walker trying to make him feel better, and it had worked for a bit. But after he left, he looked back at his blank phone screen, the worry setting in. Logic dictated that he should call TJ and talk this out. But when had his logical side ever won against the side holding irrational fear?

Cyrus walked back to his room, throwing his coat on his bed. When he did so, he caught a fleeting glimpse at his watch.

6:17 pm.

Cyrus sighed, heading over to the bathroom. He knew there was no real reason for him to check, he hadn’t been around TJ at the time on his shoulder, but old habits die hard. He pulled down the collar of his shirt, his gaze sliding over, but he did a double take and gasped.

Grey.

What? How? Who could it have been? Only people he had spoken to were TJ and…

Oh.

As if he was stuck in slow motion, Cyrus picked up his phone and shakily clicked on Walker’s contact, typing out a ‘hi’. Holding his breath, he pressed ‘Send’.

This message could not be delivered.

Cyrus gasped, dropping his phone onto the bed, covering his mouth in shock. He hastily typed out many more messages, checking if it wasn’t just a fluke.

This message could not be delivered.

This message could not be delivered.

This message could not be delivered.

Cyrus felt tears prick his eyes, but they weren’t of sadness. Of course, he felt a dull pang of pain, knowing he would never get to talk to Walker again. He really had a great time with him that day, but in the end, they just didn’t know each other well enough. He would miss a friend, though.

But…

TJ wasn’t his soulmate.

That realisation hit Cyrus like a ton of bricks. In the best way possible. TJ wasn’t his soulmate. He wouldn’t lose him. He didn’t need to be scared anymore. He didn’t need to be scared.

“TJ,” Cyrus whispered, as he left his coat and bolted out of his room, down the stairs, out of the doors, into the streets as the sky began to grow darker. Under the darkening sky, Cyrus ran. He ran a record distance for him, all the way trying to call TJ, but receiving no answer.

He reached TJ’s house, but he didn’t knock. Instead, he went to the side of the house, and climbed up to TJ’s window, from where he could see the light on, and a figure walking around the room. He had only climbed up to TJ’s window once, and it had almost ended in a trip to the emergency room. But desperate times called for desperate measures. Cyrus made his way up the drain pipe, very nearly falling off at least 5 times. But eventually, he made it up, rapping his knuckles on TJ’s window, catching his breath after the unbelievable amount of exercise he had done.

He saw TJ pace about his room, his eyes visibly red. At Cyrus’ knocking, he turned around abruptly, his jaw dropping to the floor as he walked up to the window to open it.

“Cyrus, what are you,” TJ started but was cut off by Cyrus pulling him in for a kiss, wrapping his arms around his neck, pulling TJ as close as he could. TJ was knocked back in shock, but soon enough wrapped his hands around Cyrus’ waist, melting into his touch. Cyrus pulled away, but grabbed TJ’s face, kissing it all over, whispering, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” over and over.

“Hey hey,” TJ said, moving Cyrus back so he could look him in the eye. “It’s okay, Cy. It’s okay.”

“I’m so sorry for hurting you TJ,” Cyrus mumbled, his face red, a stray tear falling down his cheek. “I was so scared of possibly losing you, that I just forgot everything else. And I didn’t realise how I was hurting your feelings.”

“Cyrus,” TJ whispered, pushing Cyrus’ hair back, trying to hold the tears back himself. “It’s okay. I’m sorry too. I said some awful things too. But I told you, you won’t lose me.”

“I know that now,” Cyrus said, looking at TJ with a bright smile of relief.

It took TJ a minute to understand what Cyrus meant, but soon he realised. And he grabbed Cyrus and hugged him tight, spinning him around his room, kissing his cheek, his forehead, his lips. He had never felt more relief in his life.

“We must be the first losers to be so happy that we aren’t soulmates,” Cyrus laughed, bumping his nose with TJ’s.

“So, are we okay?” TJ asked nervously, looking at Cyrus.

Cyrus just smiled, and pulled TJ in for a kiss, nodding his head.

“Yeah, we are. Of course we are.”

They stayed like that, hugging and kissing, high on a different level of happiness. After a while, TJ turned over to Cyrus.

“I don’t care what the universe says,” he whispered, holding Cyrus’ hand. “But you are the best person for me, Cyrus Goodman.”

Cyrus smiled, kissing the tip of TJ’s nose. “And you’re the best person for me, TJ Kippen.”

~~~~~~~

Hope that was okay lol

Send me prompts cuz im uninspired and I’ll do them in a few days!

[nowhereiswhereibelong]

73 Questions

I mas tagged by: @mrs-machinegun-norris about two centuries ago sorry

On a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now?

• 5

Describe yourself in a hashtag?

• #sadbicht

• Cause I'm a bad bicht you can't kill me, only I do that

If you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be?

• Aaron Taylor-Johnson

• Colson Backer

If your life was a musical, what would the marquee say?

• The crazy bisexual is on the loose

What’s one thing people don’t know about you?

• That I cant handle silence

What’s your wake up ritual?

• All my cats and family yells at me till I roll of take my meds and stare at the wall till I'm late

What’s your go to bed ritual?

• Make sure I cleaned the litter box and that my cats have food and water then is up to bed and reading anything and everything till I fall a sleep

What’s your favourite time of day?

• Night time (I get the zoomies), or when I'm home alone

Your go to for having a good laugh?

• I really like comedy and some that make me laugh even when I watched 1000 times: John Mulaney, Daniel Sloss, Russel Howard and Sarah Millican

Dream country to visit?

• As many as I can! I have an extensive list

What’s the biggest surprise you’ve had?

• Last semester 3 professors at university were really supportive and understanding and I didnt expect them to be so kind or belive in me that much.

Heels or flats/sneakers?

• Sneakers everywhere all the time for any given reason

Vintage or new?

• Vintage bits and pisses of different eras but late 80s early 90s give me live

• And I'm obsessed with 70s buildings dont know why

Who do you want to write your obituary?

• An creative stranger - go nuts dude freak people out

Style icon?

• dont have one I guess

What are three things you can’t live without?

• My cats

• My phone

• My guitar

What’s one ingredient you put in everything?

• I'm crazy about mustard

• My dad always says anything salivary can be better with cheese and anything sweet be better with chocolate - not that far from the truth

What 3 people living or dead would you like to make dinner for?

• Elvis Presley

• Jane Fonda

• Janis Joplin

What’s your biggest fear in life?

• Failure

• The dark

Window or aisle seat?

• Window: you can look at the view, it's better for sleeping and during the day sunlight for reading

What’s your current TV obsession?

• A have many, it's a problem, but right now mind hunter

Favourite app?

• Instagram and tumblr

Secret talent?

• I like to lie to myself and say acting but maybe just weirdly good at pretending to be good at things (ain't that the joke huh)

Most adventurous thing you’ve done in your life?

• I would say it was dumb, stupid and streamly dangerous but when I was 16 a friend and I went to some guys house in a very weird neighborhood and lied to our parents about it and only 1 other friend new (also our taxi couldn't find the house). We meet those two guys at a friends party and they said that they were throwing one and that we should go, and our dumb selfdestruting alcohol hunting minds though, why not. It was not a party. It was just a hang out with us and one other guy and to this day I dont know how we left at 7am (the only way to get out of there was the first bus because uber wasn't a thing yet and me and my friend were to scared of what kind taxi driver we would find) unharmed and not sexually harassed, given that one of the dudes that our friends new more hated me for a few months for not putting out for him, cause you know, men.

• I'm absolutely sure they wanted a sex party that didnt happen. But I did show my unasked skills of knowing every single black veil brides lyrics.

How would you define yourself in three words?

• Anxious

• Laud

• Loyal

Favourite piece of clothing you own?

• The stolen 80s tshirts from my dad

• High waisted shorts

Must have clothing item everyone should have?

• A comfortable pair of jean shorts that you feel pretty in

Superpower you would want?

• To stop time

• I get to anxious trying to time manage and it just snowballs from there. And sleeping in without being always late.

What’s inspiring you in life right now?

• Machine Gun Kelly (I stared listening to his stuff a few months ago)

• But always and forever is the passion that moves people

Best piece of advice you’ve received?

• Be/do to other people what you wanted to be done for you

Best advice you’d give your teenage self?

• It's not just on your head it's a real thing, you're lot alone, and it ok to need help.

A book that everyone should read?

• Harry Potter: that even thou I have read multiple times it still is amazing and full of symbolism that people brush through some times.

• Women who run with the wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés

• My older sister made me start this book and its absolutely live changing and I belive should be obligatory to all women in this world. This book is a live long work by this psychologist and through miths, legends, folk tales and stories she puts together what she calls the wild women archetype and what is the feminine instinct is and how those tales teach us about it and how to have a healthy relationship with her.

What would you like to be remembered for?

• For being kind

How do you define beauty?

• It's an powerfull force within

What do you ~love most~ only love about your body?

• The shape of my eyes

Best way to take a rest/decompress?

• Listening to music and dancing around

Favourite place to view art?

• I dont understand sorry

If your life were a song, what would the title be?

• Static supernova

If you could master one instrument, what would it be?

• Guitar and piano cant choose only one

If you had a tattoo, where would it be?

• My planned ones:

• Orca

• Felix felicis

• Tree

• Mother earth

• Penicillin allergy (I dont trust nobody)

Dolphins or koalas?

• Dolphins

• Did you y'all know that orcas not only aren't whales but belong on the same family as dolphins?

What’s your spirit animal?

• Orca

Best gift you’ve ever received?

• My cats (even thou there are rescues they're my little special gifts from nature)

Best gift you’ve ever given?

• On my best friend wedding my friend and I gave a performance as siluetes (it was private beach and all the light were off and we had the car headlights behind us) I played the song you are in love by taylor swift while she did an beautiful performance on silks the song represented their relationship and how she shared it if us in a very sacred way and the silks was a representation of her herself and how the 3 of us saw in the last few years her transformation from a very broken person to the women she was born to be.

• Yes we were crying the hole time but was the most genuine and beautiful think I ever done so yeah

What’s your favourite board game?

• Dix it, its awesome go play it pls

What’s your favourite colour?

• Petrol blue

Least favourite colour?

• The color of lentil soup my mom makes it looks like a baby have serious digestive problems

Diamonds or pearls?

• Diamonds of the symbolic value of "the pressure that could've break us made us into diamonds insted"

Drugstore makeup or designer?

• Drugstore makeup, the one I know that are real brands hauahauahs

Blow-dry or air-dry?

• Air-dry

Pilates or yoga?

• Pilates even thou I must prefer sports mostly

Coffee or tea?

• My blood is coffee at this point

What’s the weirdest word in the English language?

• Wolrd, because English is not my first language and specially in an American accent the pronunciation of wolrd if simply the worst and is absolutely obnoxious and unsettling.

Dark chocolate or milk chocolate?

• Dark

• But my absolut favored is a 70% cacao white chocolate. It's incredible but I only got to buy it twice :(

Stairs or elevator?

• Stairs, I also love to sit on them

Summer or winter?

• Winter. I only like heat if I'm inside very cold water

You are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat?

• If nutrition value doesn't matter, ice cream

A desert you don’t like?

• Orange cake. Bad memories and I vomit every time I try to eat it.

A skill you’re working on mastering?

• Singing and playing the guitar

Best thing to happen to you today?

• I think I made a online friend :D

Best compliment you’ve ever received?

• That I'm kind

Favourite smell?

• Buttering sugar

Hugs or kisses?

• Hugs i Iike to be permanently attached to some people at times

If you made a documentary, what would it be about?

• Domestic violence

• Parenting

Last piece of content you consumed that made you cry?

• Today I was trying to play this song called Ronan and cryed my eyes out like all the other times I tried before It's a song of child cancer in the mother's perspective

Lipstick or lip gloss?

• Lipstick

• I'm a red matte lip stan

Sweet or savoury?

• Sweet

Girl crush?

• Billie Elish

How you know you’re in love?

• The only time I think I've been in love I only realised it because they left and I didnt understand why i was severely hurt by it and changed the way I created all relationships after that. And then it hit me

• So pain and heartache.... yeah that's depressing as shit

Song you can listen to on repeat?

• When the sun goes down - Arctic Monkeys

If you could switch lives with someone for a day who would it be?

• My own self but not a anxious depressed mess just to feel what it's like

What are you most excited about at this time in your life?

• That I dont need to make decisions

[edge-lorde]

Savage Eden

by K. M. Ashman

Once upon a time, in the not so distant past, a looming ice age threatens the existence of all Two-feet in the ice walls path, both neanderthal and modern human alike. their only hope for survival lies in joining forces and learning from each others ways in order to come up with some new form of protection. 

but winter is not here yet, and a third group of Two-feet has been pillaging all local modern human clans, eating those they kill and taking the survivors as slaves. for their first act of cooperation, can the neanderthals and modern humans team up to save one mans 5-year-old son, and end an age-old curse along the way?

lets find out!

believeablity: 6. magic is never implied to exist in this story, but it is fantastical nonetheless. first off, we have the return of PSYCHIC NEANDERTHALS, yes indeed! the neanderthals, or mrllwllch, as they call themselves, both have the ability to remember things about their ancestors histories without being told, and to communicate via telepathy. the latter is experienced by just “knowing” when they are being called by one of their compatriots or by sharing images in each others minds. after a while of being among them, a modern human character begins to experience this as well, but i dont think he could send images. it could be that all humans have latent psychic abilities and neanderthals are the only ones that have evolved to make use of them, but it doesnt really matter because the psychic thing is not a major plot point at all. it comes in handy but is never really addressed.

 it is said to sort of take the place of language in the mrllwllch group, though the do also have a spoken language, but at the beginning of the book they seemed to need to speak it very little. then when they meet up with the modern humans they start learning their language and very rapidly become fluent, and often speak to modern humans and each other in either language. this makes the whole psychic thing just feel like an add-on because it seems that they are not reliant on it at all.

they also may have a better sense of smell, more strength, and possibly an ability to sleep anywhere, but that could be just better clothing technology. they have huge furr capes that they can wrap themselves up in completely. they also can travel much faster than modern humans for reasons that are never explained. 

and as a quick aside, the 3rd human group, called the baal-- their whole cannibalism and cruelty culture is so movie monster-ish i knocked off a few points just for them. 

characterization: 7. the movie monster evil stereotype is saved for the baal, but the modern humans are still the main characters and very few of the mrllwllch characters are differentiated enough from each other to call them real characters. the same can be said for many of the modern human hunter characters however, so it does not seem to be an issue of characterization so much as focus. the focus of the story is on the modern human clan so those characters are naturally more fleshed out. 

still, im a bit disappointed. there are 3 differentiated mrllwllch characters, one is the neanderthal version of the main character, the 2nds big character point is that he falls in love with a human when mrllwllch dont do monogamy, and the 3rd is possibly the most interesting but is a huge huge spoiler and only has 1 scene. 

overall, they are given the same character treatment as the modern human side characters. 

the baal, on the other hand... their entire culture seems to be based around violence and every baal we meet has the same views on the matter. why they are like this is sort of explained but not gone into depth over.

interspecies sex: 2. there are 2 interspecies couples in the book, one of them are between main characters and they have sex in-media-res as they say, though there are no written out sex scenes. 

one of the members of the other couple basically just yells out “yeah, we fucked!!!” after the other one was already dead, so no sex scene there either. 

hybrids: 1. though there are 2 ‘thal/mh couples that could have produced children, if they did/do, it didnt make it into the book. no hybrid characters and no mentions of hybrids, except in the general way in that the mrllwllch and the main modern human clan are said to eventually become one people, but neither of the aforementioned couples stay in that clan, so no hint to that happening anytime soon. 

accuracy: 4. some stuff is based on real science but a lot definitely isnt. like the neanderthals having stronger muscles on one side from doing repetitive movements with their dominant hands/arms is in there, but they also drink milk directly from the cow when they should all be lactose intolerant. they also all have red hair, and while there is some genetic evidence at least some of them could have been redheads, i dont think anyone thinks that that means they all were. they also use bone flutes, and the legitimacy of that is still debated. they were also probably not psychic.

theres also a bit where the mrllwllch have a huge cave where they place all of their deads bones, and if you dont get placed there eventually you cant get into neandertheaven. if paleoarcheologists had found a huge cave where millions of neanderthal bones had been placed lovingly that would be a big fucking deal and i dont think that thats happened. theres also another cave where 13 neanderthal skeletons are arranged in a circle that i dont think is based off real archaeology. they also use blow darts that are lovingly carved with animal designs, which i dont think have ever been attributed to neanderthals, though they were made out of wood and so impossible to prove they didnt make art out of a thing that wouldnt survive to the modern day. 

the venus statue stone carvings also make an appearance but are not attributed to either modern humans or neanderthals, or the baal for that matter. im pretty sure in real life all of the statues are assumed to be made by modern humans.

the baal are another issue all together. i keep bringing them back up because the book mentions several other “Two-feet” groups existing, but the baal are the only other ones that make a living appearance and its never made clear which other hominin they are. there are two main candidates in my mind: denisovans or homo floresiensis (hobbits). i say densiovans because i think there could have a time/place where they, modern humans, and neanderthals could have been near each other at the same time, and i say floresiensis because they are described as child-sized. possibly they could be homo erectus...? my homo knowledge extends to two hominins only, but the inclusion of another human group actually makes this book rather unique among neanderthal books. 

now, how accurate is it that floresiensis, erectus, or denisovans were hunting, enslaving, and butchering modern humans on a massive scale at any point in history? not very.... i also dont think weve ever found evidence of any other hominin ever modifying their teeth into sharp points but the baal do it.... all of the baal existing hurts the accuracy score TT0TT.

honestly though, i dont think its that bad that this book is just a fun bloody romp and not really accurate, it shows how recent scientific discoveries inspire the imagination and change the perspective of our past. maybe once im done with all my book readings i could write a neanderthal throughout history comparison report......

[bxmbshelle]

go big or go home, lets have all of em

oh my lord lasagna. i dont expect anything less from you, tho

1 - one text you wish you’d sent?

this is a little oddly specific but... i can give you the context if you want ig.

“when i say “you don’t care about my mental health”, i dont mean anything to do with my other friends. i mean that you have called me annoying to my face, said you liked the “old [real name]”, told me it was annoying when i expressed my depressed thoughts, was embarrassed of one of my stress toys to the point i stopped bring it, and outright didn’t care when i was screaming, drowning for help. so yeah, dont make this about my other friends.”

2 - can only talk to one person for the rest of your life, who is it?

sorry lasagna i love you to death but probably @minamishipsit-secondround​

3 - guiltiest pleasure?

80s boy bands are the shit thats all.

4 - what do you do when you’re sad to cheer yourself up?

i listen to the monkees and the beatles of course!!! or watch the monkees, i have my favorite episode recorded so i always watch that :)))

5 - who’s your inspiration?

i have a lot, but i suppose howard ashman. for those not in the know, he was a song writer for the little mermaid, pretty much my all time favorite movie. even when i was a smol child and didnt read the credits i knew his name and i love all his work.

6 - something you want but are afraid to ask for?

a girlfriend or a boyfriend or a datemate or whatever.

7 - do you think you have big or small dick energy?

good question. i feel like i pretend to have big dick energy but truthfully i have moderatly sized dick energy.

8 - your favourite daydream?

idk if its a daydream but theres this one situation i always imagine for one of my ships and its just. really soft. thats all.

9 - happiest memory this week?

uhhh playing with my kitties or when i found out i got an a on my math test.

10 - if you could change one thing what would it be?

just? in general? about me? anything? personally id like to not be a depresso bean but oh well.

11 - ultimate goal?

i wanna... i wanna be happy. i wanna be content. i wanna be okay. i wanna be living. i wanna be alive. 

i hope one day i will get better. and i will wake up a house of my own with a family of my own and happiness of my own. while money and fame would be nice, thats not what i truely want extremly. so, thats my goal. to keep living so one day i can have a wedding, one day i can have children, one day i can have a cat. thats all.

12 - are you a romantic?

well, heres the thing- ive never... been in a position in which i need to be romantic. essientally, ive never dated anyone. ever. so? i dont have any basis? im sure you can be romantic Not in a relationship but yknow.

13 - thoughts on dark academia?

not in it but it sounds cool :O endless its controversial then. it doesnt sound cool. i literally have not heard about it till today so if theres any discource about it i dont know.

14 - thoughts on ______

kpop, obviously suggested

well as we all know, im a classic rock stan and as we all know, classic rock and kpop stans are pitted against each other? for? some reason? unlike some other classic rock stans (no shade, if you hate kpop your valid you do you), i dont really hate kpop nor do i like it. ive never listened to any kpop bands (at least, upon my own will) so i dont wanna judge. i do hate the rivalry between kpop and classic rock but i aint gonna get into that

15 - further education, yes or no?

im probably gonna go to college, endless i “write a book now and get it published and be rich” which is my mom suggests i do but idk.

16 - your favourite conspiracy theory?

uhhh the first one that comes to mind is paul is dead. i dont believe in it, of course, but i just find all the “facts” incredibly interesting. anyone knows i could and i will info dump about it on anyone.

17 - an unpopular opinion?

mushrooms are the shit anti-mushroomers dni i dont need this kind of negativity in my life

18 - Polaroids or digital photos?

polaroids cause thats #aesthetic

19 - board games or phone games?

board games!!! i love board games a lot, i wish my family did a family game night but oh well

20 - which season do you think you represent, but which would you like to be?

i feel llike i would repersent fall. a strange middle season, rarely consitent weather, not as loved as summer but not as hated as winter. just kind of exists. some people find it utterly pretty and other people despise it relentlessly. everything is dying yet, everything is beauitful.

id like to be spring, spring is practically fall just better. instead of dying, things are growing, its all non-arguably beauitful, sitting outside on a cool spring day is such a site. its got some funky weather but its the tunnel towards the light- summer, the most beloved season. unlike fall, which is the gateway away from summer and slowly leads into the harsh, cruel days of winter. 

21 - your ideal aesthetic?

punk as fuck

22 - do you drink?

nah, thats illegal.

23 - something you’d like to say to your crush?

please hold my hand. 

24 - something embarrassing that’s happened last recently?

one day i woke up and just went about my day, that was pretty embarrassing

25 - quiet nights in or nights out?

quiet nights :)

26 - your preferred art?

written if you count that.

27 - if you could get one tattoo what would it be?

uhhh probably a lyric from a song. take a giant step by the monkees, maybe?

[ps2memories]

It's been two years Maya.

I had to go into my old phone to unlock my steam account so I decided to go through my stuff. I still have some mementos of my old life on there. Well basically my old text conversations with you and a dozen other people. But back to you.

I read our old messages. For some reason it only shows yours, whole conversations and I'm only able to see what you had to say. Talking about getting off work, when I'm coming home, making muffins or having the house clean when I get off of work. I'm thinking about it now. The memory of it. Coming home after a shift at I can only presume Paisanos. You in the kitchen, or in the bed room surrounded by your cats. But it's just a memory with no lingering taste on my tongue. Like watching an old movie reel found in someone else's closet. I don't say that to hurt your feelings but that's what it is. Old memories from someone I'm not anymore. Or am I? Have I changed at all?

I come on here to type out manic thoughts so I can continue with my life as normal as possible. But I'll always be a weirdo. After living with some guy I learned a lot about myself. About the habitual life styles we can grow. Becoming aware of myself in a way I wasn't before.

Was that one of the factors that pushed you away? Along with a list of things I did I'm sure it's one of them. My oblivience to those around me.

I wished that things hadn't gone awry, but that's the way things unfold.

I go on and on about this but I don't mind it as much as i used to. Yes...i was happy with the thought of a future with you. No, I wasn't single "long enough". I didn't go through those motions that you were so aware of. Now that I have, I have a understanding on the way of life. Of friendships. Of relationships. Of the cause and effect we have on one another.

Have I been dating people? More or less. No one worth calling my girlfriend and that gives me a feeling of sadness. I've been unable to fall in love with someone else since we broke up. Well..sort of. I only convinced myself that I was falling in love with this one girl that put me through a lot of emotional turmoil and I thought something more was destined to happen out of it. Clearly I was wrong but I'm not sure where I went wrong, you know? I'm not the same person I used to be so I'm not sure why things between me and her didn't work out. Maybe she didnt like the thought of me moving away. Maybe the pressure and harrassment from her ex boyfriend drove her back to the conformity that she was used to. I'm not sure. But from that point in the summer of 2017 to that late winter night of January 2019 I had not told another person "i love you".

I suppose I'm proud of myself for that fact. Not falling in love right away. I would like to talk about her more but I don't want to waste time over things that don't matter or pertain to what I'm trying to say.

What am I trying to say?

That I'm over it?

That I understand how life works?

That we've drifted away from one another to separate paths of life and that I am accepting that as copacetic?

I'm still insane, crazy, manic, bi polar what ever you want to call it. I am depressed. But not in a hopeless sense like before. I'm just sad. I'm sad I'm unsure. I'm sad that I'm alone in my feelings. I'm sad that as handsome as i can be, i still have no human connection to any girl that tries to feign a relationship with me.

Am I asking for too much?

Is my mouth full as my words come out?

Maybe I should just focus on my art. I'm actually trying to do something with that.

I'm writing, and drawing, and soon I'll be painting. You've never heard my vocals. You never heard the bands and voices that inspire me to scream as loud as I can, with emotional depth that leaves my body exhausted.

Soon enough I'll get together another band and itll be one that actually tours so I can see more of what's out there.

Do you still look at this page?

I suppose if you ever read this....

I don't know.

[refractedglade]

do all of them. or the odds. or the evens. honestly just do some I'm tired and dont feel like reading through them all :/

this is honestly a lot so it gets a cut. also wow way to abuse the question ask.

1. do you have any recurring dreams? what are they?

only ever had one I think, and that was back in… probably elementary school? I had monthly nightmares thanks to one of the least frightening episodes of Courage the Cowardly Dog, god bless you young me you tried your best

2. what is your favourite kind of fruit?

im torn between grapes and apples

3. sweet or savoury?

savory

4. what is your smallest/pettiest fear? 

not even sure what the hell that means uhhhhhhhh

the fear that i am or will be mediocre at video games. it sounds dumb but at this point it’s one of the only quote-unquote skills I have that I can identify and im afraid to lose that

5. what is your least favourite vegetable?

peas

6. what is your favourite art movement?

surrealism I guess? I don’t know much about art movements tbh

7. do you drink milk?

fuck yes i do

8. what was the last line of the last book you read?

“A mob of Surly Thugs are there to greet you.

TO BE EVEN MORE CONTINUED.”

9. do you like bitter food?

not really

10. what is the most significant event in your life so far?

probably one of the several times i’ve moved since that always leads to meeting new people

12. what is your favourite breed of dog or cat?

I love labradors.

13. list your top 5 favourite turtle names.

what

uh

Leonardo

Donatello

Michelangelo

Raphael

and uhhhhhhh

Coco Jumbo

14. what job would you have if you could have it without going through all of the school or experience that is required?

if I didnt have that Id probably get fired very soon for being shit at my job, but lets say public attorney, see how far I get in that bullshit

15. are there any names that you dislike so much that you would dislike the person with the name? what are those names?

no not really

16. what is your favourite letter?

either R or T, they’re both such helpful shortcuts for web browsing

17. are there any instruments you wished you played?

I wish I had continued learning piano when I was younger. I was in the middle of lessons when we moved for the second time and we just never got another teacher.

18. list your best friends.

@verbalmoonwalking and honestly even though we haven’t talked much in forever @wombathills

19. would you rather be a skeleton or a ghost?

a ghost, way more opportunities and less of a hassle (imagine trying to navigate through the world as reanimated bones)

also there’s already some people i’ve promised to haunt

20. do you prefer fish or lizards/snakes? (as pets)

i dont have much experience with lizards or snakes (although I did have an anole for a year or so). i guess fish, they’re just so incredibly low-maintenance

21. art or music?

weird way to phrase that considering music is art but music

22. what is your favourite type of flower?

unfortunately Ive never learned much about flowers, but I do really like when they’re blue

23. soup or salad?

souuuuup

24. are you good at keeping plants alive?

surprisingly yes! I’ve had two plants growing since late winter/early spring I think

25. do animals tend to like you?

heck yeaaaah

26. what is the worst book you’ve ever read?

the Book of Leviticus

there’s not really a good answer to this, if a book is terrible I either never got far enough to remember or read it for a school assignment and promptly forgot about it

27. do you collect anything?

too many thing, and most of them only for short periods of time. the only consistent collection i have is my Halley Labs music collection

28. how many pillows do you sleep with?

right now just two, used to be three

29. whats the latest you’ve ever woken up?

5 in the evening i think? I forget details since its been a few years, but after an all-nighter I pulled during my first finals of college I passed out at around 6 pm and woke up almost a full day later

no wait addendum: i think like 1-3 in the morning because of falling asleep around 8-11 am.

30. how many pictures are on your walls?

my room has… a painting and a poster

31. what age did you stop keeping stuffed animals on your bed?

honestly? i didn’t

32. what is your favourite candy?

Butterfinger, or if in moderation Twizzlers

33. what is your favourite baked good?

its not the real answer but a vivid image of a steaming baked potato keeps appearing in my head

actually the more i think about it the better that sounds, like its plain but theres a lot of room for customization there

34. do you have a camera? if so, what kind?

yeah, i actually sort of inherited it recently from my late grandfather, though I haven’t actually,,, used it yet.

35. do you wear jewelry?

nope, used to wear a fidget ring a lot but who knows where that went. if i ever find a really cool necklace I’ll probably start wearing that all the time though.

36. sunrise or sunset?

sunset, sunrises are pretty but its a pain in the ass waking up the early

also seeing something like that in the evening is just a better state of mind imo

37. do you like to listen to music with headphones or no headphones?

depends on both the music and my mood, generally at this point no headphones though just because when i listen to music its while driving

38. what was your favourite show as a child?

I had a weird sense of almost reverence for Digimon as a kid. My mom had forbidden me from watching Pokemon, and I only ever saw like 3 episode of DIgimon once by accident because a day care had their cassette tape. I barely saw any of it but I loved it.

Season 3 aka DIgimon Tamers is still a solid series, and I still vividly remember watching season 4 on TV when I was slightly older and finding it weird but cool (4 was where they could actually like combine with their digimon)

39. describe your favourite spot in your house.

im the basement goblin so the couch down there is for all intents and purposes mine. also its right next to the room with the heater so hell yeah.

40. do you like to be warm or cold?

I like to be in slightly cold environments so I can be the kind of warm that isn’t just warm but warmed up, like the feeling of being warm when things are cold is very good.

41. the best joke you have.

i think the best jokes i ever did done was editing like 20 different photos of a friend of mine into dumb joke images

one was his face on a tube of laundry soap with some dumb caption along the lines of “ah, this is my life now”

42. whats the weirdest thing that you’ve seen happen in a public place?

first thing that comes to mind is a futon frame on the side of a highway. now let me clarify:

-it was sitting upright, not like it had been tossed aside

-it was on the INSIDE side, not the outside

-no mattress in sight

just… there.

43. CD or digital?

CD, I’ve been conditioned to love owning physical copies of stuff. On that note, also cassette.

44. who do you miss right now?

good friends, my dog, my will to live….

45. if you could combine two places in the world, which two places would you choose?

if by world you meant universe, lets combine earth with some other planet and see what the fuck happens

if you meant earth then Michigan and Ohio, that’d make some shit way more convenient for me

46. describe the worst substitute teacher you’ve ever had.

one of my high school english teachers went on maternity leave, and so we had a sub for about ¾ of the school year. i forget a lot of why the class hated her but a lot of it just came down to she was not good at teaching, and we had to deal with that for almost a whole year.

47. do you believe horoscopes?

short answer is no. less short answer is that while I don’t really believe anything like that, i still enjoy looking at and considering them, especially when they’re in shitpost format.

my sister came back from a mission trip to Africa a while ago and brought me back a small gift she got overseas, a pair of small handmade dice. i’ve developed a habit where on some mornings I’ll roll them before my day starts to see how high I roll, and sometimes interpret that as what the day might be like. do i believe it? not especially. but I almost sort of pretend to believe it. that’s sort of how i treat horoscopes, except even a little less than that.

48. are you spiritual?

eh

49. describe your pets ( or family if you dont have pets )

we had an extremely good dog named Zeus for a long time. yellow lab, energetic as hell in his youth and even in his old age. started having pain in his legs as he got older and eventually we had to put him down a year or so back.

he’s honestly part of the reason im not sure about getting pets in the future, i dont know if I want to go through that again.

50. are you good at getting over mistakes?

I guess? I mean I’m good at getting over that post-”I fucked up” anxiety for sure, that’s a skill I learned in college within like a year. After a bad test or something I just started forcing myself to say “fuck it it’s over can’t change anything now.”

[noxrynne]

i dont really have the highest hopes for making the goal i had for school odds are i fail a class, do poorly in another or two, and maybe get by decently in one of them i really regret doing online courses since it always goes back to “oh i missed that because it wasn’t posted,” “oh the professors don’t use the news alert system when new stuff is added with a concise explanation of what I need to do in that post blurb that’s 3500 words of bs,” “oh i didnt realize this awkward and uncomfortable ‘post your personal assignments here that are about yourself so a bunch of strangers can also read and criticize it’ was required,” “the syllabus is written out of order, it’s messy and has a bunch of color code usage that’s never explained and makes reading it harder and, oh, they want me to print it out too bad i dont have a fucking printer and looking at it makes me want to throw up since it’s literally just everything put up on a page and i just start panicking because its so much stuff and it immediately overwhelms me” i also fuckin hate the professors who’ll say like “if you’re here just to get a degree you’re in the wrong place” b/c it’s like college costs a lot of fuckin money and you can bet your ass the only reason im here is to get a degree so i can eventually have a job that lets me be financially stable. trying to say “oh it’s just for funtime education” is bullshit when it costs what it does and isn’t even accessible to everyone from the get-go. i could learn the exact same shit for free from a fucking library and the internet, and talk to people i know if i have questions about material. but that doesn’t give me the piece of paper i need. idk i wish there was more of a “oh i can go do this and be fine financially” rather than needing to spend years in a university because i really hate it. i *wish* i hadn’t fucked up before and been as suicidal and couldve got through it *before* its used as a “yea we can’t have you here cuz you dropped out in the past” *even when* it’s an associated school with the one i *did* drop out of and they told me they *would* re-accept me when i was healthier. no im not a great student. i get overwhelmed really easily, i stress out over everything too much, i break down if i miss one assignment. i dont do well on the shit i actually try really hard at. i dont participate in class because it’s a terrifying experience to be called a fucking “idiot” again by a professor (ty philosopher dickhead at uwgb im gonna fucking punch you if i ever see you) i *forget* about assignments a *lot* and *yes* that’s a *my* problem thing but it’s something so extremely difficult to work around without having someone telling me about it, or just having a visible schedule written down about what’s due on a front page that always pops up. which i mean yeah it’s extra work i guess for the professor to just copy paste some info that’d really help me out, and no i dont have this issue as much in a traditional school b/c i actually *go* to the classes to sit in and be reminded through that. and yea im probly gonna fail out unless the other university sighs and says “well she did try and it was online” and ngl i probably would be *fine* in a regular classroom oriented thing *now* it’s more organized and there’s a schedule i can keep to and get into and when i get *into* a schedule i stick to it 100% b/c i derive a sense of security, existence and safety from having schedules. but if i fail out and they dont sigh and say “okay” then im kinda fucked. i mean, i could probably attempt to get through another year there and maybe go to the actual school instead of the online bullshit and *maybe* then i’d actually meet the reqs. but idk if that offer is gonna stand after this year. and idk im just back to feeling really fucking hopeless and empty. i mean ive been feeling this way all this month. i feel like nothings fucking worth it because i feel like i just cant do it. and that ultimately im gonna end up fucked. and i *know* im 90% of the problem. i *know* my thinking of “what’s the point” is screwing me over. i *know* accidentally falling asleep an staying asleep for a whole day is a fucking issue. i *know* i shouldnt forget important shit i need to do. i *know* i should participate no matter how fucking uncomfortable and frightened it makes me. but it feels fucking *impossible* to work with 0 energy. it feels terrifying to be asked “write an introspective piece about yourself and reflect on the events of your life that made you who you are today” BECAUSE i dont talk about THAT STUFF to people I DONT KNOW i *BARELY* covered those topics in *therapy* because of how uncomfortable they make me. and I DONT need a bunch of strangers in a class knowing the shit that happened to me. and fuck i feel like the entire idea behind the writing assignment was “oh this’ll be fun haha” but it’s like... remembering *most of the shit hat directly impacted how i am today* is one of the most fucking difficult things for me to do, especially publicly. i *regret* online schooling. i didnt realize how much i dont work with it until i thought about it this year. i get overwhelmed. i get stressed. i get depressed. i get suicidal. i get hopeless. i feel useless. i didnt realize i *need* to actually *go* to a class because it helps with the isolation i put myself in. because i straight up actually understand shit when someone is actually explaining it to me and not just handing me a textbook and saying “read it that’s it that’s the entire class, but oh, write an informed paper structured off what you read and if you dont understand the material well go fuck yourself i guess.” and in actually *going* there to a physical room it becomes easier to do things like homework and assignments *because i can walk over to the library*. what *really* shit on my previous school ability was like i was overwhelmed (we *just* moved to a *completely* different state and environment, i *just* had a series of panic attacks in italy b/c i thought i could handle it on my own) and the first school didn’t have a/c and it was fucking 101 outside every day and i dont do well in heat, and by that, i mean i hyperventilate, i get dizzy, i get lightheaded, i get emotional and frightened and stressed and cant sleep. the professor who asked if we read the chapter (I DID) and then pointed at me to explain what i read (I DIDNT FUCKING UNDERSTAND IT), and when i finished he just laughed and told me to sit down and pretty much called me an idiot in front of everyone and i started crying. (i also got a 0 so i failed the reading since he didnt believe i read it). at *that* school there were no therapy or counseling or offers like that. the art building made me cry and feel unsafe (i couldnt control it), having to walk *all* the way back to my dorm building at 12AM b/c that’s when my one class ended was *terrifying* then in a different school it was just i had a class that made me physically uncomfortable to be in. i *hated* being in the freshman course for feminism so much. not b/c i hate the material, but i felt so “other” and uncomfortable b/c im a trans woman being asked about my male perspective on shit and i just. i remember leaving because i just felt upset and depressed and i couldn’t get over the really bad dysphoria i kept having in that class (the professor there was the reason i went to counseling on campus, she’s the one who referred me to it in the first place). on top of that, the dorm i was told id be getting was a fucking lie. i was supposed to have one or 0 roommates. i got 5 roommates. beds didn’t fit me b/c of my height (i slept with the back of my feet on an iron bar). the food was straight fucking garbage. one of my roommates just randomly touched me all the time. hugged me, put arms around my neck, *kissed my cheek*. another was always drunk and loud. another talked about making bombs incessantly. one of them seemed actually concerned about me and he came in once or twice when i was face down on my bed just not moving b/c of therapy sessions and talked to me once or twice to make sure i was still alive. friday mornings in winter id be up at 5AM, trying to get ready without waking any of the 5 other people, then walk outside with no access to breakfast/coffee/anything (b/c too early) to get to a class across and off the campus i had to walk to (and when snow was present my feet were numb b/c of all the water that got into my shoes). and then there was the legit getting 4 hours of sleep if that a week. eating basically nothing. extremely suicidal and getting to the point where i was having days where i legitimately could not discern what was real and wasn’t. and then i left ‘cuz my other option was to be hospitalized. from there its just been attempts at online schools. which i already tiraded about above. i mean fuck id be happy if i *could* just go work in retail and make a decent wage and not have to work every waking hour of my life to make it work. like. i *wish* i was lucky enough to be one of those “i had no degree but x really liked my resume” stories i always read about. i *wish* writing and publishing a book was considered and *was* a viable career option without needing to get really fucking lucky. im passionate about writing fiction, but in order to do that professionally, i need a 4 year degree from an institution. i can technically publish something, but if no one ever hears about it or cares, then it doesn’t become a job to have and it does little else. and then there’s also just a lot of irl shit i keep worrying about and dwelling on and nearly making some really fucked up or stupid decisions in the interim. and idk i just i wish i was one of those ppl who felt like they had a future and aren’t likely to die before age 25. or one of those people who just *does* something and it works out and they get to exist.

[they-m]

thank u @0vava0 for asking me to do this bc u care abt my life love y sweet baby 💙💙💙 coke or pepsi: pepsi disney or dreamworks: dreamworks coffee or tea: tea probably but not even that without disgusting amounts of honey/sugar and cream books or movies: i lov to watch movies but also whenever i can zone out long enough to actually read a book thats such a good coming home feeling windows or mac: windows dc or marvel: marvel thanx u x-box or playstation: playstation night owl or early riser: night owl i Hate The Sun cards or chess: cards bc chess gives me anxiety chocolate or vanilla: chocolate (~: vans or converse: vans even tho theyre shite fluff or angst: angst usually beach or forest: forest ! dogs or cats: cats :3c clear skies or rain: rain cooking or eating out: cooking spicy food or mild food: spicy !!! halloween/samhain or solstice/yule/christmas: chrismis would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot: too cold if you could have a superpower, what would it be: stopping time so i could Rest animation or live action: animation i think Team captain america or team ironman: Tony Stark Is My Son Whom I Birthed Myself And He Gives Me Hope Everyday And Is Trying His Very Best And I Will Protect Him Until My Dying Day He Deserves More Love But Since Nobody Cares I Will Love Him Enough For Everyone. do you have some favourite quotes, if so what are they: "ill ruin my body if i want to dont tell me how to dress i didnt ask you and ill be a cute boy if i want to or ill be a cute girl with ugly tattoos" "when i die please bury me in new hampshire i really like the leaves dont be sad ive done my share of living i think i have to leave" "my mind is almost 19 and i still feel angry im searching for the reason and i think its kinda crazy im trying everything soft hands on my face and im feeling nothing" "but this is my body the only thing that i own entirely and itll carry me to greatness somehow" "we are all going forward none of us are going back" "im sorry about the blood in your mouth i wish it was mine" "i see the sun and if i dont see the sun i know its there and theres a whole life in that in knowing that the sun is there" "i can only say they are purple and the shape of me not knowing what to do with my hands in your absence" "oh the things we invent when we are scared and want to be rescued" "i love the girl can i not have something gentle too" "ive got a lot of good ideas but not one that will get me through august" i love quotes i have so many thankz harry potter or percy jackson: percy jackson bintch when do you feel accomplished: when its cool and breezy and my room is clean and people can feel my kindess star wars or star trek: star trek but in a fake fan way paperback books or hardback books: paperback ! tv shows or movies: movies i think favorite animal: silky anteaters or pandas favorite genre of music: somewhere between lofi indie and punk least favorite book: walden by thoreau. favourite season: winter sparkly or shiny: neither??? mayhaps... glossy ? if thats not just shiny favorite character in a tv series: penelope garcia saved my life do you have/want any tattoos and if you do, what are they?: i want art tattooed all over me and some important words and some taurus symbols youtube or netflix: youtube If you could go to school for completely free what would you study?: everything !!! what’s your aesthetic?: wood paneling and a dimly lit rooms with cool tones lightly casted all over and lying on the floor and watching the light move on the ceiling while you can hear rain on the roof and on the windows ! idk if this my aesthetic or just the safest state of being but like. aesthetic still top five albums: drunk enough to dance - bowling for soup, ugly cherries - pwr bttm, i hate my friends - the front bottoms, sports - modern baseball, i swear im good at this - diet cig favorite item of clothing: my big black depression hoodie or my iron man knee socks a book you loved as a kid: where the sidewalk ends and a light on in the attic by shel silverstein favorite scents: rain and my room and the fires that people light in the fall that make it smell like halloween im not tagging anybody but @ all my friends message me with ur answers to all these questions pls

[blacknihilism-blog1]

1. have you ever been in love?

Yes. Twice. 

2. what are your favourite colours and why?

Black/Red. I love Black because it can typically match with any other colors and usually makes for dope color schemes. I also like darker colors more for some reason. I love bright colors as well but I’ve found that I don’t like to wear them too much or get them on items that I use often

3. who was the last person you held hands with?

If I ever hold hands it’s platonic considering I havent been in a relationship in 10 months lol. So probably one of my friends. 

4. what is your zodiac sign?

Taurus

5. how many times have you read your favourite book?

Honestly I dont know any books that were so good to me that I read it multiple times. I don’t read as often as I like.

6. what are your favourite films?

I don’t really have a lot of “favorites”. Any time I’m asked for a favorite *blank* my mind draws a blank lol.

7. what kind of weather do you like?

I love rainy weather. I love cold weather. But I don’t like cold rainy weather. At least not if i’m outside.

8. do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

I like sunsets. Although I love to see any transition of the sun whether it be rising or setting, since I love the night time I love to see it go from a beautiful range of colors to darkness rather than a beautiful range of colors into lots of sunshine.

9. what kind of weather represents who you are as a person?

Murky rain. But out in the corner of the sky u can see a huge ray of sunshine.

10. what’s your favourite animal?

I love dogs

11. what is your favourite song right now?

“Get You” by Daniel Caesar

12. what is your favourite song of all time?

Oof what did I say about favorites?

13. do you like sunny days or rainy days better?

I absolutely love rainy days unless I have to do a lot of driving.

14. have you ever been heartbroken?

Yes

15. what does the perfect kiss feel like?

I think the perfect kiss is less about the physical kiss and moreso with the perfect person at the perfect time. As in the kiss that signifies marriage or whatever. I think that’s what the perfect kiss feels like. The realization that with this kiss, you are promising to always love and care for whoever you’re kissing.

16. what is your favourite poem?

Eh

17. who are you most inspired by?

I don’t have much inspiration as of right now. In the past it was Childish Gambino but currently I’m just eh.

18. are you spiritual?

I have an appreciation for some spiritual studies and practices but personally I’m not too spiritual. 

19. what is your favourite plant?

lmfao weed

20. what is your favourite feeling?

Being in love and content with life.

21. what is your favourite word?

Fuck

22. are you an artist?

I don’t really make any art. I’ve made a few songs and I wanna get into poetry and video making. But I don’t know if my current level of confidence allows me to call myself an artist.

23. what is your favourite flower?

Bud

24. are you happy?

Not genuinely but I have my moments.  

25. what are you thinking about right now?

Honestly I’m thinking about someone. I wish I wasn’t just because I don’t like thinking about people who don’t want me in the same way that I want them. All that does is create pain and I rather avoid feeling that confusing feeling that is love. I mean if the love was returned then it’s great but who knows, Maybe it’s better if we aren’t together. We can only let time tell.

26. what emotion do you feel most often?

Confusion/Regret. In my head I’m always trying to avoid conflict/making someone feel any sort of negative emotion. And any time I make a mistake i regret everything. And I’m always feeling confusion because I never know how I can really improve who I am as a person. 

27. what is your favourite season?

Winter. I love cold weather. TMI but honestly I sweat too much to be comfortable during any hot season. And I’m a very affectionate person so I cant hug people as much during the summer. During the winter I’m always loving on my friends lol. Plus if you’re in a relationship, those “cold-outside-but-cuddling-inside” days are lovely.

28. are you in a relationship?

No. Honestly outta nowhere like yesterday or two days ago I realized that I had some strong feelings for someone I’m close to and dated in the past. I started talking about if we were dating and I just moved way too fast. I regretted everything i said instantly and just played it off as whatever. In the moments following her telling me that I’m moving too fast I was just snapped back to reality and decided I needed to calm myself down. Looking back I did seem crazy. But it’s been so long since i had any feelings for anybody (to the point that I’d date them) and I just got excited if im going to be real. And I was also sick at the time so I’m just laying in bed picturing me with them and it seemed like we could work really well together. But it’s okay. I’m just gonna take my time. I don’t know whether I should move on or pursue her at a slower pace. So for now I’m just gonna be big chillin.

29. are you an introvert or extrovert?

Introvert. Unless it’s really some people I’m comfortable with I’m pretty timid. Even with out with some of my closest friends I’d rather just be home. 

30. do you prefer the moon or the stars?

The stars. There’s this street not too far from my friends house and me and him have driven down it a few times now. When you’re on this street, if you turn off your headlights and look up the sky has very little light pollution and it’s beautiful. The moon is rarely close enough for me to enjoy. 

31. what is your favourite scent?

I love the smell of a lot of different foods. But looking back, my favorite smell used to be the perfume that my girlfriend constantly used. I ran into one person who used the same one as her some time after we broke up and for lack of a better term, it triggered lots of memories of her. But I used to love it. Not because the scent was so good, but rather because I was in love with her and everything about her.

32. where do you feel most at home?

In my room. I used to have these black bags over my window which allowed very little light into my room and as I said earlier, I prefer darkness. But I took those down recently as a metaphorical enlightenment and symbol for how my life was headed in a brighter, more positive direction. It sort of works, but mainly I love my room because at night time I’m never bothered. And it seems like a safe space. At 2 a.m. in my room, I’m alone. My parents won’t call me for random tasks, teachers can’t pester me about random assignments, and I can just do whatever I want.

33. what scares you the most?

Honestly the last time i was seriously afraid of something, I was afraid that I had caused some major damage to someone I trust and love. So I’m terrified of hurting other people. I’ve seen so many people be hurt by so many things. I never want to see myself become the source of someone’s terror.

34. do you believe in soulmates?

God knows I do. But honestly something about soulmates that I always question is the setting of a pair of soulmate’s birth. For example, what if you weren’t born in the same location and/or time period as your soulmate. If it’s just the location, you can roam the Earth and possibly meet them if your lucky. But if you never leave your hometown, in my opinion your soulmate probably isn’t born in your hometown. I think you need to explore to find them. And I hate to be pessimistic, but i think that you aren’t guaranteed to meet your soulmate, if they do exist. So the vast majority of people don’t meet them. But I hate thinking like that. It puts me in a very nihilistic point of view.

35. what is your favourite thing about yourself?

I try hard to spread love and positivity. I have so much love in my heart.

36. what is the nicest compliment you’ve received?

Honestly i dont know. 

37. who is your favourite music artist?

Childish Gambino. I had a huge Gambino phase during early high school. I connected to a lot of his music and his personality that was portrayed through different interviews. He was mysterious to me because he doesnt use social media and just keeps to himself a lot. But I like “Camp” because i felt like a lot of that music was relatable to a “White, Black Kid” which was something i struggled a lot with in middle school. I’m fully black but people called me “white” due to my behavior. Which was basically not enforcing black stereotypes. And due to peer pressure I took on the role of the “White, Black Kid” or the “Oreo” (Black on the outside and white on the inside). 

38. what was your first kiss like?

It was for my 14th birthday. Looking back on it, it was a mess because I was hella insecure at the time. I was just nervous and asked like 3 times which ruined the mood. I was just surprised that someone wanted to kiss me period. But it was at an ice skating rink for my birthday. It was just me and a bunch of friends but I was “talking” to this girl at the time. Basically we went sit on the other side of the rink and was just talking. All my other friends were trying to look at us which also didnt help my insecurity/bad nerves. But I did it. And i was so happy for the following few days lol.

39. are you a sensitive person?

Tbh, probably. I’m very open to criticism but I also get hurt fairly easily.

40. when was the last time you cried?

A few days ago. Either out of pain from my tooth or heart ache whenever I was first told to slow it down with the girl i was into. Ik its silly to cry over something that small but idk. I’m just being honest and letting yall know the last time i cried. 

41. do you believe that love can last forever?

Yeah. That’s the kind of love I want. I want to take some time and enjoy my teenage years but then fall in love with one person and i want to be with that one person forever. I just dont trust enough people to think that we’d last forever tho. That’s why I don’t get into relationships too often. I won’t get into a relationship if I don’t see me and that person lasting. 

42. what do you think happens to us when we die?

I’m not too spiritual but I wouldn’t be surprised if Heaven and Hell existed. I’m way too simpleminded to try and comprehend what lies in the afterlife though. 

43. have you ever broken someone’s heart?

Sadly. I cried hard as hell myself afterwards tbh.

44. what do you think about when you can’t fall asleep at night?

I’m not sure if this question is asking what thoughts keep me up, or what thoughts put me to sleep. A lot of thoughts keep me up. But it’s not the thoughts themselves, but rather my inability to sleep. I don’t have insomnia but usually if i’m up, I’m up because i don’t want to go to sleep, or im in some sort of discomfort/pain thats keeping me up. And sometimes I don’t go to sleep because I’m texting someone and either im hoping we can have an “interesting” convo or i just wanna stay up and talk to em. And lately either being sick, or my unattended dental problems keep me up.

45. do you believe in aliens?

Okay, lets be honest. As big as space is, you expect me to believe that we’re the only living beings? Yeah okay. Sure. Lol

46. what is the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

My friend brought me medicine at work and lord knows I was so grateful because I was seriously struggling. It’s not the nicest but goddamn did I appreciate it.

47. do you find it hard to trust?

I find it hard to trust somebody with my heart. As in I don’t trust many people enough to date them. I’m actually very open which can be a good or a bad thing depending on how you look at it. I see it as good because I feel that it makes me pretty approachable. But it’s bad because I leave myself susceptible to getting hurt by being open.

[themoneybuff-blog]

Ten Lessons from My Well Worn Winter Coat

This past weekend, I put my winter coat away until next November or so. Its a hardy winter coat, a green Carhartt arctic coat, one that gets me through an Iowa winter where you can have entire weeks where the temperature doesnt peek above 0 F. I keep a nice spring jacket around that will serve me well for temperatures down in the thirties, but the winter coat is now in overkill territory. Ive had this coat since 2003. That means this is the seventeenth time Ive put the coat into storage for the warmer months. Its a little worn in a few places, but its still as sturdy as can be and incredibly warm on a cold winters day. This wonderful winter coat is kind of a living embodiment of a lot of the financial principles I live by. Lesson #1 Paying More for a Well Made and Reliable Item Is Worth It, Because You Wont Have To Replace It As I said, Ive owned this coat for seventeen years. During that period, Ive owned at least four spring jackets that I can remember. They were all somewhat less expensive than this thick winter coat, but each and every one of them has had split seams or tears or other major problems. I repaired some of those issues; other issues just werent worth it. In the end, Ive spent quite a bit more on those four (at least) lighter spring jackets than I spent on this well made winter coat, even though each of those lighter spring jackets was individually much less expensive than my winter coat. The winter coat was well made from the start. I paid more to get a well made one, one that would last for many, many winters. The other coats were less expensive, but they werent well made. I knew with some certainty that they would probably not last nearly as long as my winter coat. Whats the lesson here? Its worth your money to pay for something thats genuinely well made and reliable because youll be able to use it for years and years and years. If you go cheap, youre probably replacing that item before too long, and it wont take too many replacements before that pile of cheap items was more expensive than that one well made item. The lesson has been learned. My next spring jacket is going to last me until Im 70. Lesson #2 Theres No Reason Not To Use an Item Until Its Truly Worn Out This winter coat of mine has some signs of wear on it, dont get me wrong. Its clearly not a new coat any more, especially if you look closely at it. There are some spots where the fabric has worn to a very smooth patch, but its still strong. This coat has quite a few years of use left in it. Its not unsightly, though; its just not new. I am reminded of an old martial arts instructor that I know. He achieved a very high level black belt, a level at which it takes an incredible amount of discipline and work and time and effort to earn another level. His belt was extremely worn, almost in tatters around him, as he approached the time to get a new belt. Yet, there was something deeply impressive about his worn belt. Worn doesnt mean bad. The idea that something being worn is a bad thing is a curious construct of our modern society. Something being worn but not broken is a sign of strength, of durability, of resilience. Its something to be lauded. There was a time in my life where I didnt see it that way. Something worn meant something that needed to be replaced. Sometimes, that might be true, particularly if that wear indicates a functional problem, but often, wear simply means that an item is very well made and reliable. Much of our lives rest on a backbone of well made items that have shown a little wear. At this point in my life, I like things that have some wear on them. That shows theyre well made. That shows theyre reliable. That shows that theyve put in the work. Id rather have a lot of items that have a little wear but have done the job reliably for a long time and will very likely keep doing that job reliably for a long time to come. My winter coat falls into that category, as do many of my favorite possessions. Lesson #3 Buying a Used Car or a Smaller House or a Sensible Insurance Package (and So On) Means You Can Afford To Buy Many Other Well-Made and Reliable Items One of the big knocks against buying a more expensive but well made and reliable items is that the up front cost is usually pretty high. If youre on a tight budget, a well-made $200 coat might be wonderful, but your budget only accounts for a $60 coat, so which one are you going to buy? Sure, the well made coat might outlast four of the cheap coats, but the expensive one just isnt an option. Thats the point at which you have to stand back and look at the big picture. Obviously, over the long haul, a well made and reliable and highly regarded item thats still reasonably priced is going to be the item that gives you the most bang for your buck. Over the course of 20 years, a $200 coat is going to give more value than four or five $60 coats that fall apart or look like theyre about to. However, to get on that bandwagon, you need the resources up front to invest in those things, plus the willpower to make good financial choices now and later. In the short term, the best thing you can do is cut back on the big things. Rather than replacing that car, keep driving it until its ready to give up the ghost and is facing a big repair bill to stay on the road. Rather than having a bigger house or apartment than you need, get a smaller one all youre really losing is extra space to pile up stuff you dont really need. Those kinds of moves save hundreds of dollars a month. Then, rather than spending that money frivolously, start putting it towards stuff that returns value. Pay off credit cards. Put it into your retirement savings. Spend a little more to get well-made reliable items like a $200 winter coat that will last for many years rather than a $60 one that will be trash in three winters. Not only that, driving a well made car for a very long time is basically the same idea behind wearing a well made coat for a very long time. You might pay a little more up front for it, but its going to last and last and last until the total cost of ownership is lower (and its a lot less headache, too). Lesson #4 Worrying What Other People Think Is a Trap One of the big motivations for many people to replace things like winter coats when they show the slightest bit of wear is an over-concern with what other people think. The reality is that other people rarely think of you nearly as much as you think they do. They just dont. Rather, people spend a lot of time thinking about themselves, and their spare thoughts about others are spread across so many other people that you rarely get a deep thought from others. Its called the spotlight effect. We think others think about us as much as we think about ourselves, which is simply impossible. We obsess over our own flaws and think others are similarly concerned theyre not. Even if they notice the flaws, they often dont care. Often, when someone criticizes you and is cruel, its because theyre grinding an axe about something completely unrelated to you. The truth is no one is going to care about a little wear on your coat, and very few are even going to notice. People are almost never looking for those kinds of things at all because theyre just not relevant. It makes no difference in my life whether a person on the street has mild wear on their coat, so why would it even enter my mental radar? The truth is, it doesnt. That doesnt mean you should give up on all hygiene and start dressing in rags. The best maxim to apply when interacting with others is to treat others as you would like to be treated, which for me means being clean, wearing clean clothes, and being friendly but not overly intrusive. Does anything really change for you if you interact with someone in a brand new coat versus someone in a coat that has mild wear that you would really only notice if you were looking for it? Lesson #5 A New Coat When My Old One Still Works Doesnt Bring Me Real Value or Joy For some people, buying a new coat might bring them a burst of joy that fades quickly. For others, it may even bring some degree of lasting joy, though I would suspect that it fades as the coats newness does. For me, though, my coat is not a source of joy. Its a functional item. As long as it keeps me warm in the winter and doesnt cause me to look too out of place, Im happy because its serving its purpose. (If anything, I feel slightly good about the wear, as I noted earlier.) If youre buying something you dont need, it should bring you at least some measure of real joy, ideally a lasting joy. This isnt just about coats or about articles of clothing. Its about everything you buy, from electronic devices to cutlery, from a cup of coffee at Starbucks to a can of black beans. Is this something I need? If not, is it bringing me significant joy or lasting joy that I cant easily get elsewhere? If not, I shouldnt be buying it. I dont need a new coat. Getting a new coat would not bring me any significant or lasting joy, at least not any that I couldnt get elsewhere (like the joy of grabbing that warm coat on the first cold day of the year, which I can get from my current coat). This is a valuable perspective to apply to everything you might spend money on. That worn coat of mine is just an embodiment of the idea. Lesson #6 Reliable and Reusable Are Earth-Friendly Concepts Remember those four worn out and falling apart spring coats that I talked about earlier? Those things were sadly trashed, to my regret. Im not sure where they all wound up, but wherever it was, it was likely not a positive thing for the environment. However, this winter coat of mine has been in my home for almost two decades. It has outlasted all of those other coats. It has never taken up space in a trash bin. It has never taken up space in a landfill. And it wont for quite a while yet. Thats an Earth-friendly move. Yeah, its a small one, but lets say everyone in America had a winter coat that they didnt replace for two decades rather than a winter coat replaced every five years. Thats 900 million coats over the course of twenty years. Thats a landfill full of coats (at least). Yeah, but what difference does it make? This goes back to that old analogy of a beach full of starfish. You cant save all of the starfish no one can but you can certainly grab a few and toss them back in the ocean. Buying a long lasting item that wont need to be replaced soon is the equivalent of tossing a starfish back into the ocean. Thus, you can certainly toss back quite a few starfish in your life. Lesson #7 The Coat Has Memories This might seem strange, but when I pull the coat out of the closet, I often think about the many different adventures Ive had with this coat. I think about sledding down a hill with my kids, especially when they were small. I think about my misadventures with skiing. I think about our trip to Yellowstone when it was unseasonably cold and my choice to bring my winter coat turned out to be a great one. A new coat wouldnt have those memories and pleasant thoughts associated with them. A coat that gets replaced every three or four years never has the chance to build up those kinds of associations. Its similar to how I feel about our kitchen table. There are a few notable scuffs and scratches on it, and I remember what was happening when almost all of those things happened. Theres a huge scuff that came from a heavy crock that we were using to make a jumbo batch of sauerkraut. Theres a big scratch that my son made with his fork when he was two or three. Those things have meaning and value to me, and those things go away if we just replace the item as soon as possible. Not only is such a replacement expensive, theres something of value thats lost and can ever really be replaced. Theres something special in a worn item. Lesson #8 The Savings Is Building Toward Greater Things Ive made the case that a reliable and long lasting item at a reasonable price saves money compared to buying cheap items that wear out quickly. The financial implications of this are numerous. First of all, the expense of replacing an item comes up much less frequently. I havent bought a new winter coat in almost two decades. Its just not an expense in my life. Sure, if I replace it with something durable in a decade or so, it might be expensive, but its simply a long way down the road. Second, Ill see that replacement coming a mile away. The nice thing about having a durable well-made item is that its usually pretty clear when its getting close to replacement time, but youre not usually facing an emergency replacement. You have some time to save, to research, and to shop around for another reliable and reasonably-priced replacement. This process wont be an emergency replacement. Ill have time to find the right thing and to look for sales. Third, I can use the money in the interim to build the future I want. Because I know these two things about my coat, I know that the money I might have to throw at a regular coat replacement cycle can go to other purposes in life, namely building the future that I want. Its a lot easier to save for retirement when youre not replacing a lot of the regular use items in your life with any sort of frequency. Obviously, my coat alone isnt making that kind of difference, but when you add up lots of things that are well made and reliable and dont have to be replaced, it does make a difference. My goal is to eventually have all of my frequent-use items be well made and reliable so I never have to worry about replacing them, ever, and Im not too far away from that right now. Because of that philosophy, I recognize that my worn winter coat and other items like that in my life are contributing to my early retirement goal. There are so many things that I simply dont have to replace with any frequency, and because of that, my regular expenses are lower, and because of that, I can contribute more to retirement, which is the big financial goal that matters to me. Lesson #9 Im Setting an Example Another thing I value about this worn coat is the example it sets for my children when it comes to practical frugality. You dont need a new coat every year. You dont need a new coat every five years. This one keeps doing the job and, yes, real people use items until theyre truly worn out. Ive noticed that my children take after this idea. None of them are ashamed to shop for clothes at a secondhand store. They dont mind used items a bit as long as they work. They appreciate the value in getting something thats of high quality at a reasonable price rather than the cheapest thing they can find, a phase they seemed to outgrow well before their friends. Its also in line with my core social circle. Most of my closest friends apply the same principles to their possessions. Get something thats good quality, even if its used. Use it until its genuinely worn out before replacing it. Repeat. The coat is a symbol of that, in a subtle way, and it very subtly reinforces that idea within my social circle. Although Im aware of the spotlight effect, Id like to think that if anyone does really notice my coat, it nudges them in this direction as well. They see a coat with a little wear on it and they think that its a good thing, not something to just be replaced immediately. Lesson #10 The Homework Matters The final lesson Im reminded of is how the homework matters with these kinds of purchases. Finding a well-made and reliable item that does what you want it to for a reasonable price isnt easy. There are a lot of companies out there selling badly made items, or items that look good at first glance but will fall apart quickly with regular use. Taking the time to sift through the options and find the item thats actually of high quality does take some time and effort. However, buying a well made item should be a pretty irregular purchase, so you should have time to do the homework for each one. Lets say it takes 30 minutes to buy a coat as an off-the-cuff decision, but its likely a poorly made coat that will be replaced in five years. If I spend an hour right now researching coats and find a really good one that lasts, then I spend 30 minutes shopping for a good price on that coat, and that coat lasts me for twenty years, Im still saving time. The homework pays off, in terms of both money and time. Finding the right item might take some effort, and finding it at the right price might take some diligence, but if you dont have to replace that item for twenty years, that effort and diligence reap real financial rewards. Final Thoughts My well worn winter coat is emblematic of the kind of life I want to live. I dont want to spend my time buying poorly made things that wont last. I dont want the expense of that, either. Instead, I want items that provide lasting value and perhaps build up a little character as well. Good luck! https://www.thesimpledollar.com/ten-lessons-from-my-well-worn-winter-coat/

[diebolicalmysteries-blog]

How to find yourself in 24 hours.

Crater lake. It is. . . . Confusing. Over 6000 ft above sea level, and as far as researchers know, it falls as deep as 1,943 ft. The water is so blue, and still until the wind pushes a rippling break through the calm. The whistling through the shrubbery breaks silence when alone, yet your thoughts wounder freely in self refelction. I came to crater lake not in hopes to find myself, but to find the answer to an internal problem. I am 26, and i know i have talent. But i want to do so many things, that i have lost sight of my dreams. I dont think about building a giant robot, or exploring space. I no longer, long to fight for justice, nor wish for anything to happen. I just want quiet and warmth.

When i was younger, i always wanted something an adult had said, to stick to me and help inspire me through the years. I never got that. The only two things i rememeber are "ok whatever" (which i HATE hearing) and "if you cant say something nice, dont say anything at all." Which just weirdly made me feel like i shouldnt talk at all, since you can offend people just saying "hello". I was in a world where i felt like i was not allowed to speak. But for anyone who knows me, that is not really a thing i actually did. I liked talking, because it filled in silence. Now as an adult, i find myself longing for that silence often. This was the right place to be.

I had 24 hours to find myself there. To find my reason to keep going. To find my passion again. To figure out what i was going to do for the rest of my life. I hiked all over the north and north east parts of that lake. I wanted to see it from every angle, and see everything around me. Birds were getting ready to fly away for the winter. You saw them getting ready to leave while looking over the cliffs edge. I wanted to leave with them. I wanted to be them. To fly over water so blue, it would feel like being swalled up by the sky itself. I guess i wish to fly away, or where ever i want.

The trails had me all over the place, but i didnt see much wild life. I was to busy i my own head of "whats next" to even notice much else. During my walking i also noticed all i could do was be Impatient over what came next. The constant thoughts of "whats next" and "what am i looking for" had me walking around unable to relax. I was so mentally annoyed with myself, all i could do was want to come home. I didnt know how to take in the beauty without being in the right state of mind. There was a point in my hiking i stopped and sat on the picnic table and just...pondered.

With the help of some kind strangers, i was able to get back into my head and rethink over everything. I thought about my life and all the choices i had made. I thought about why i would take this trip alone. What comes after it. Where i would go. It took strangers and being angry with myself, just to see the questions laid out in front of me. Answers are what i was looking for, but all i got were more question. So i took a time out.

I had hours before i needed to back at the park for star gazing, so i headed up to bend for a moment to grab food. I was so excited to star gaze. But as i got close to bend, it was harder to see. A fire had slowly started to cover the area in smoke. There goes part 1 of star gazing. I couldfeel myself getting more and more tired as i got closer. The sun still up, questions still buzzing in my head. Maybe some food to actually feed my brain would help me figure things out. I forgot to ponder.

The moment i got to a mcmeniminns, and ordered a nice ruby ale, my brain stopped. I find their food and beer to be very calming for me. To me mcmeniminns, are a comfert place. The food always made me happy, but once i was 21, i understood a good beer and food pairing. Food and art distracts me every time. I love food so much i forgot to think. Heck, even now as i think about it, i just want to go into details about my food and the joynit gave me. Maybe i was meant to do something with food my whole life. But really, who knows. But yea, i ended spending more time their, than anticipated, but getting side tracked by passport stamping and a nice light and sweet cigar around a fite pit always calms me down.

I finally left bend, it was gettinf dark, i was tired, i didnt want to spend more money than i had to, and i had almost ran putnof gas just trying to get the area. I didnt feel like risking it again. The moon had come out of hiding, and it was a full, bright moon at that. So i told myself "not tonight" and headed home. On my drive back to portland that night, i was Exhausted!! But i had so many thoughts bussling around, i never got tired enough to pass out, (Thank goodness). The roads were pitch black. All you could see was the light from the moon through the trees. If even that at some places. I took backroads to get home, in hopes i would find a spot to stop and gaze up at the night sky, but determination kept my eye on the prize to make it to a bed. Which i did make it safely. But the day after everything answered every thing.

How to find yourself over 24 hours!

Step 1. Drive away early in the morning to a nice place you have never been before.

Step 2. Think a lot about your issues.

Step 3. Talk to strangers and look off into the distence for hours.

Step 4. Drive all around still thinking about every thing.

Step 5. Realize at the end of it, you cant just find yourself in 24 hours.

Step 6. Maybe look into finding help. I may not have found myself, but i did figure out what is next in my life.

I am thinking about Counseling for myself. I dont have answer to any of my questions, because need to work through some things. My past defines who i am, and not myself. I am scared to talk to some one about things, but i want to better myself, and i learned on this trip, i cant do it alone. My writing doesnt go into what i deeply thought about, because that isnt what i want people to get out of it. I want people to just know that setting out to do something alone is scary and hard. We put pressure on ourselfs to be prefect, or interesting, or strive to achieve the world, every single day. Take a step back every now and then to just be alone. You dont have to find anything from it, and it might not be the thing to give you everything you wanted. But taking a moment to yourself, even just to slow down, can help you brake up some mental fog, to help you go further. But dont give yourself a set time limit to get your answers. Take your time, but do take the time. Your happiness and well being, is always worth it.