#didnt even realize i was having a hard time i was on the phone w M

[cattagirl]

Today was a bad day

[osarina]

ᡣ𐭩 I'D MEET THE SEA UNDER THE SUNLIGHT

FEATURING: dazai osamu

SUMMARY: dazai knows. he knows who you are. he knows what you do. and not only does he know, but in typical dazai fashion, he decides to make it fully your problem. now you're stuck between a rock and a hard place trying to figure out what to do with him—the answer should be obvious, you just can't accept it. but time is ticking and you're treading a thin rope, if you make the smallest mistake...

AUTHOR'S NOTES: part four my children. my eye procedure went well! i've been resting all day, i prob won't be active very much until monday/tuesday, so i'lll queue a few reblogs of this ... i say that, but i also don't know if ill be able to stop myself from responding to comments HAHAH i just love talking to u guys about it so much i cant help it. as always, comments and reblogs appreciated!

GENERAL WARNINGS: fem!reader, port mafia executive!reader, civilian!dazai, dazai's struggles w suicide & sh, reader partakes in mafia business, dazai isn't dazai without a bit of obsessiveness and possessiveness (the possessiveness doesn't come til later but the obsessiveness starts from day 0).

CHAPTER SPECIFIC WARNINGS: i didnt get the chance to proofread this one bc of the procedure so don't crucify me if the grammar is awful </3 i have a doctor's pass </3

SEE: WASTELAND, BABY! SERIES MASTERLIST

It takes Dazai Osamu approximately two days, seven hours and fifty-three minutes to get his hands on proof of your affiliation with the Port Mafia. He supposes it was due to luck—the timing of when he got confirmation of his suspicions—but Dazai thinks it’s also due to his ability to think quickly if he does say so himself. 

He stares at the file that Katai emailed him, a lump in his throat that he can’t seem to push away, unsure if he wants to open it and be forced with physical evidence of who you are and what you do. He doesn’t even know why he’s so hesitant, he already knows. He already knows so he shouldn’t be hesitant… but if he already knows, then why does he need to see the proof? What is this going to do for him? What is he going to do with this information? Nothing, the answer is nothing, so then why-

Katai: Can you quit holding that date from four years ago over my head now?

Dazai: no ^.^

Katai: Of course not. Whatever. Dazai, I don’t know what you’re doing but you need to stop digging into this—it’s dangerous. And I don’t want to be involved.

Dazai shuts his phone off immediately. 

He hovers the cursor over the video file on his laptop, chewing the inside of his cheek—the supposed footage from whatever happened behind Tokyo’s City Hall last night. With his heart tight in his chest and the image of your smile burned behind his eyelids, he clicks on the file.

Two days after the event, you and Chuuya are sitting in Mori’s office getting the talk down of a lifetime. Mori has been going on for thirty minutes already and you’re sick of his voice. You don’t know how it’s your fault that the Shimazaki-kai decided to try to take you out while you were in Tokyo but evidently it is.

“I don’t see how this is an issue, boss,” Chuuya finally says, voice strained. “The Sun and Steel are already on top of the situation, Noriko was livid when she realized that they tried to assassinate one of us while we were in Tokyo under the Sun and Steel’s protection.”

“You don’t see how this is an issue,” Mori repeats slowly, voice nothing short of mocking. Usually, he at least tries to mask his annoyance—you and Chuuya share a concerned look with one another. “You don’t see how it’s an issue that we’ve caused this conflict to escalate to the point of the Shimazaki-kai being willing to go to war with the Sun and Steel if it means the mere chance of getting rid of one of us?”

“Okay,” Chuuya mutters. “Well, when you say it like that…”

“And by ‘we’ I mean ‘you’, little hime,” Mori says coolly, leveling his calculating gaze onto you. You don’t flinch beneath it, meeting it head on as you raise your chin. “This all stems from your reckless decision to attack the Inagawa-kai.”

“She didn’t have a choice.” Chuuya jumps to your defense, frowning. “They attacked her at the ports. That was a declaration of war in itself.”

You almost wince at the ridiculing look Mori directs toward Chuuya, voice amused as he speaks. “Is that what she told you?”

Chuuya gives you a questioning look but you don’t give Mori anymore time to stir the pot. You don’t need Chuuya knowing that your decision was driven by Dazai of all people—he’s already angry enough about the situation with the civilian. 

“And here I thought you were going to… what was it you said? ‘Clean up my mess?’” you say snidely, drawing Mori’s attention back to you. “Perhaps the real reason the Yakuza syndicates are so willing to challenge our authority is not because of my decision but rather because of the incapability perceived in our boss.” 

Chuuya’s eyes shoot open and Mori raises his brows, entirely unperturbed by your comment. 

“To think all it would take for you to start biting back…” Mori trails off, unbearably amused and clearly referring to Dazai, making you stiffen. “How fascinating. You’ve kept up this ruse longer than I expected. I think this is the first time you’ve managed to surprise me, little hime.” 

Your expression twists as you look away, ignoring the lost look Chuuya gives you, clearly irritated because he doesn’t know what’s going on. Your phone buzzes in your pocket and you take the welcome distraction eagerly, hoping to find an excuse to get out of this wretched meeting.

Klaus: your civilian boy is at your tower

You: What?

Klaus: *one image attached*

You stare down at your phone in shock, desperately trying to ignore the curious looks Mori and Chuuya are sending your way.

What the fuck?

Dazai tilts his head to the side, giving the three boys standing in front of him a simpering smile. One of them—the emo one with black hair and white tips—bares his teeth at Dazai like a feral dog, the one in the middle—Dazai recognizes him as Klaus, the boy with you that day at the ports—gives him an irritable look, while the one standing in the back—a nervous looking boy with choppy silver hair and a black collar—lets out a pathetic noise in the back of his throat.

“She’s gonna be so fucking mad at you,” Klaus tells him, voice harsh. His Japanese is broken and accented but understandable for the most part. “She’s gonna fucking-”

He shifts into a foreign language mid-sentence—German, maybe—so Dazai doesn’t know what he’s saying but he’s sure it’s nothing good. He keeps up the overly confident facade, even if he does start to doubt himself internally.

Shit, he thinks to himself, smile fraying at the edges, what is he doing?

Dazai definitely did not think this through and it’s way too late for him to back down now. After watching the video and seeing you with the gravity manipulator, seeing the brief battle in the alley behind the Tokyo city hall, Dazai pretty much blackmailed Katai into using the CCTV cameras between both cities to follow you back to Yokohama to see what building you live in. In retrospect, maybe that’s a little creepy, but he just watched you and the gravity manipulator kill a whole crew of people so he thinks stalking you a bit isn’t too bad in comparison.

“Who do you think you are?” the black-haired one says, voice tight and pitched. His jaw is clenched tight and he takes half a step forward but pauses when he sees the sharp look of warning that Klaus gives him.

He thinks maybe he is stupid. Ango used to rattle him around and yell at him for doing stupid things back before Odasaku died but he thinks this might take the cake for the stupidest thing Dazai has ever done. Standing outside a building owned by the Mafia, antagonizing three mafiosos, waiting here to demand a conversation with someone who is likely their boss. Ango might’ve been right when he said that Dazai has no functioning brain cells.

“None of your business,” Dazai replies with a sweet smile, almost giggling at the way the boy bears his teeth again, even more livid than before.

“You-”

“Stop.”

All three boys go rigid at the sound of your voice and even Dazai stiffens at the cold tone. He forces himself to turn his head to the side, eyes falling upon you as you make your way toward the four of them. The suit you’re wearing today is different—usually he’s seen you wear black on black, but today you’re wearing a burgundy button-up under your suit jacket. You look beautiful—always do, Dazai thinks wistfully—but Dazai finds himself swallowing thickly instead, not used to the blank look you cast over him before you turn your attention over to the three boys.

Ouch, Dazai thinks, not really knowing what he expected but it still hurts to be dismissed like that.

“Klaus, go wipe the cameras around headquarters—wherever he might have passed through,” you say. “Akutagawa, Atsushi, if anyone finds out about this…”

The two boys that Dazai doesn’t recognize share a look with one another, odd expressions spreading across their faces before they nod. All three scamper off without another word, the silver-haired boy giving Dazai a short, worried look that puts Dazai on edge before leaving. You don’t look at him. Rather, you stride right past him toward the building.

Dazai swallows thickly before following after you. You don’t say a word as you lead him to the tall, black building and Dazai wants to say something but his words get caught in his throat. He doesn’t know what to say. Dazai always has something to say but he doesn’t right now and that scares him because he needs to figure out what he’s going to say to you when the two of you finally get up to your apartment.

“Hey, I know you’re a mafia executive because I had my hacker friend get me CCTV tapes from the Tokyo City Hall and I saw you and that short ginger with the tacky hat murder a bunch of guys. Plus, I had him stalk you so I could figure out where you live.”

Yeah, right.

Dazai shivers at the rush of cool air that hits him as he enters the building with you, watches the way the doorman gives him a curious look before inclining his head to you. You give the older man a pointed look before nodding your head to one of the corners of the room and the elevator—Dazai doesn’t know what you’re getting at but he obviously does from the way says:

“Of course, hime.”

You don’t say anything still, leading him toward the elevator and holding it open so he can step past and stand inside. You follow after him, clicking the button to the top floor of the building before scanning a keycard.

How awkward.

Dazai almost wants to crawl out of his own skin, toss himself right out of the glass elevator looking over the city. You don’t even look at him—you keep your gaze trained forward, lips curled down, not even sparing Dazai the briefest glance as the elevator starts to move up. 

Maybe this was a mistake, Dazai starts to think, twiddling with his fingers as he keeps sparing short glances in your direction. He still doesn’t even know what he wants to come from this—shouldn’t the proof of your affiliation with the Mafia have been enough to send him running? He should’ve taken it as reason to stop reaching out to you, gone back to life before you but-

But life before you was dark. 

His throat spasms as he swallows. Life before you was dark. Life before you was him dragging himself out of bed every day trying to convince himself that he couldn’t let himself die until he fulfilled Odasaku’s final request. Life before you was him fighting depressive episode after depressive episode with alcohol and sex, preferring pain to the emptiness he seemed to constantly be plagued with because at least that meant he could feel something. 

He doesn’t want to go back to that—you’re the first person who's actually seen him since Odasaku died. The first person to make him feel as if he’s worth something. He doesn’t give a shit about about what you do, he doesn’t want to go back to life without you.

He glances over at you again, catching the eerily blank expression on your face as you stare ahead. Three words spill from his lips before he can stop them.

“Are you mad?” His voice wavers over the question; he feels pathetic. Feels like a kid tugging at his mother’s shirt after he did something wrong.

You finally look at him though, turn your head slowly toward him as if you don’t even want to believe he actually asked that. Dazai doesn’t know if it’s progress or not because the expression on your face is nothing short of livid.

“Okay,” he says quietly, averting his gaze back to the glass of the elevator.

God, how many floors is this building? The ride to the top floor is taking an agonizingly long amount of time. He doesn’t know if it’s because the elevator itself is slow or if it’s because the building is just that tall or if it just seems longer because of Dazai’s own turmoil—either way, it leaves Dazai miserable.

He really needs to figure out what he’s going to say to you. He should have figured it out before coming here but Dazai just got too antsy with the information Katai gave him on hand and he found himself making his way over here before he could double guess himself.

He doesn’t think you’ll appreciate him using Katai to get the evidence of your position in the Mafia—plus, it could put him in danger and Dazai doesn’t want that. He thinks maybe he’ll pin the blame on his professor—you don’t seem to like him anyway, so you might take it at face value. If you don’t, he’ll have to figure something else out to protect Katai but Dazai has always been a quick thinker so he has faith that he’ll think of something. 

 If he’s lucky, you’ll lead the conversation and he’ll be able to reflect off of you after seeing where your head's at. That would be the best case scenario.

After what feels like an eternity, the elevator finally bings, signaling that it has finally reached the top floor of the building. You step out before him, hardly even looking at him as you stride into your apartment. Dazai follows after, a bit more hesitantly.

His breath catches as his gaze twists around the massive space—floor to ceiling windows line the walls looking over the city, black couches set up in front of the TV and expensive decor littering the room, there’s a kitchen off to the right and a staircase leading up to a second level. 

What types of apartments have staircases? Dazai thinks, distressed, finally looking back at you. 

You’ve crossed the room—almost like you’ve wanted to put as much distance as possible between you and him, which is a thought that kind of hurts because he’s been yearning for your presence since you left his apartment the morning you were supposed to leave for abroad. Your expression is entirely unreadable and Dazai doesn’t really know how to feel about that because he can’t figure out how to approach this now. 

“You know, originally I was interested in you because I thought you were a lot smarter than you made yourself out to be,” you say, voice dry. Dazai nearly cheers, realizing that he did, in fact, get the best case scenario—he listens intently, mind racing as he tries to figure out what route he should take with you. “I was clearly wrong.”

Dazai pouts. “My bella thinks I’m stupid,” he sighs dramatically but his lashes flutter as he averts his gaze when you don’t find any amusement in his words, readjusting his plan. His theatrical lilt falls flat when he adds, “Maybe I am.”

“I don’t think there’s a maybe,” you correct, unamused. “What do you know and what do you want?” 

Dazai is almost taken aback by your tone—cold and flat, very transactional. Maybe he should have taken the lead because he doesn’t know what you mean and he doesn’t like your tone. He watches as you fish through your pocket to find a cigarette and lighter, sticking it between your lips to light it. You look up at him, raising your eyebrows.

“What?” he asks, voice a bit weak.

“What do you know and what do you want? I think they’re pretty simple questions,” you say sardonically. “I have a general idea of what you know already—if you’re here, you have more than whatever that cunt Ui has on me—and I promise you that no amount of money the Ivory Eagle will offer you can compare to what I’ll give you. Plus, I’ll have to kill you if you go to it with them so I think that’s pretty convincing in itself. I want to know exactly what you know so I can figure out how much they’d pay you for the information. I figure you want money, that’s why you’re here.”

“I don’t…” Dazai trails off, a bit lost. He’s still not sure why he came here but he knows it’s not for money and honestly, he thinks he’s a little hurt that you assumed that, can feel the sting in his chest and the lump in his throat.

The smile you give him is cool, you tilt your head to the side and look at him. “Come on, Dazai, you don’t have to keep up with the act. You got close to me to get evidence for Ui, that’s obvious; probably realized it would be more worthwhile trying to get money from me to keep you quiet because they’ve barely got enough money to keep their shitty journalism house running. Honestly, I should probably just-”

“No,” Dazai forces out, interrupting you, lips parted and throat swollen—this is not going well. “That’s not-that’s not true. I didn’t get close to you to get evidence, I didn’t even know until the other day.”

“Do you think I’m stupid, Dazai?” you ask, expression tight. “Because I’m not. As soon as you slipped up and said his name at the event, I realized. You think we don’t know everything that goes on in this city? About that shitty journalist group trying to expose us?” 

“I didn’t slip up,” Dazai says, voice more shrill than he intended it to be. His mind falls flat at every corner as he tries to figure out how to salvage this. “I didn’t slip up because I didn’t know. I didn’t know. It wasn’t-this wasn’t some grand scheme, I like you-” (he didn’t mean to say that) “I mean-it’s just-I don’t-”

Dazai feels flustered. He feels flustered and he’s stumbling over words in a way that he hasn’t in years, unable to get out a single coherent sentence because his mind is all over the place. Shit, he thought he was going to have to defend himself from having Katai stalk you so he could figure this out and find you; he didn’t think he’d have to defend himself because you thought everything from day one was some grand scheme to expose you as a mafioso.

You clearly don’t believe him from the way you roll your eyes and it makes Dazai’s distress spike exponentially. 

“Then pray tell, Dazai, why are you here? You’re here for something, obviously, otherwise you wouldn’t have been stupid enough to show up here of all places to dangle over my head that you know who I am.”

The words slip from his lips before he can stop them.

“I wanted you to stop ignoring me,” he says, arms instinctively curling around his body as he stares at you, feeling more than a bit vulnerable at the blank look you give him in response to his words.

“You… want to make me stop ignoring you by… blackmailing me?”

“... Yes?”

The sigh you let out is long. Instead of responding, you take a drag of your cigarette, tilting your head back against the wall you’re leaning on to look up at the ceiling. Dazai stares at you, chewing the inside of his cheek as he waits for your response.

“What do you have on me?” you finally ask, taking a few steps forward to put the cigarette out on an ashtray before raising your eyebrows and tilting your head to the side. “Well? I know you must have more than the location of this building.”

Dazai hesitates before he says, “Footage from behind the Tokyo City Hall.”

Your expression doesn’t betray you as you press, “Footage of what?”

“You and the ginger with the ugly hat,” Dazai answers, trying not to smile at the way you clearly have to hide your amusement at his snide comment. 

“What are we doing in the footage?” you ask. “What makes it condemning?”

“… He splattered six guys against the wall.” 

You sigh, pressing your fingers to the bridge of your nose. “Jesus fucking Christ, Dazai. You saw that and still came here? What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Dazai gives you a weak smile “You’ll have to be a bit more specific, there are a lot of things wrong with me,” he tells you, echoing the words from your second meeting with him, hoping they make you lighten up.

They do.

He watches as you let out another breath, tense shoulders relaxing, suddenly looking a lot more tired as you look away from him.

“I missed you,” he adds quietly, fingers running along the hem of his sweater. “It’s cruel and unusual punishment to kiss a guy like you did and then ghost him.”

“It was to keep you out of this life, Dazai,” you say tiredly. “I mean-shit, Dazai. I don’t know what you want me to do, I don’t even trust you right now, you could have a fucking wire on you for all I know and-”

“I could strip for you,” Dazai offers, lips curling up in a flirtatious smile as he flutters his lashes at you. “I’ll give you a show.”

You’re not amused.

“This isn’t a fucking joke, Dazai. This is your life.”

“Well, my life has been one giant joke up until I met you so forgive me if I don’t care,” Dazai says, voice unintentionally rising in response to your words because who are you to decide on his behalf to cut him off because his life is in danger. That’s a decision for him to make. “You can’t just make those decisions for me.”

Dazai thinks he prefers the anger that crosses over your face to the tiredness and emptiness. His breath catches when he sees the way your jaw tightens and the way your eyes get fired up.

“It doesn’t just affect you, Dazai,” you hiss. “If you get pulled into this and something happens to you, that’s on me.”

Dazai’s heart jumps at the implications of your words, nails digging into his palms.

“And how does that affect you?” Dazai presses, the desperation that hangs off of his words so glaring that Dazai almost wants to curl in on himself. He wants to hear you say it, wants you to alleviate all of the thoughts threatening to consume him since you left his apartment that morning—wants to hear you say that you care, that he does mean something to you.

Your expression becomes closed off again as you realize what he wants you to say and Dazai swallows thickly, gaze searching your face for answers.

“You know how it affects me,” you finally respond as you look away. “You know, Dazai.”

It has nothing to do with what I want, you said at the event when he asked why you didn’t tell him why you didn’t want to be with him. The conflict on your face when you said things were too complicated to explain. The anger when you realized Professor Ui had purposely put him in danger trying to get evidence to condemn the Sun and Steel.

“I want you to say it,” he says hoarsely.

You don’t reply for a moment, watching him with an expression that’s impossible for him to decipher. Your brows are furrowed and your lips are pressed together tight, but the look in your eyes—there’s so much emotion in them that Dazai thinks he could get lost in them, it nearly leaves him breathless.

“You are actually the bane of my existence, Dazai Osamu,” you finally say, shoulders slumping as you look away again. Not exactly what he wanted to hear but he thinks that’s as good of an admission that he’s going to get right now.

“And the object of all of your desires?” Dazai prods with a teasing smile.

Your gaze cuts back toward him. “Did you just quote Bridgerton at me?” you ask, voice riddled with disbelief.

Embarrassed, Dazai flushes and then he hits you back with: “You watched Bridgerton?”

Instead of responding, seemingly equally embarrassed by the callout as Dazai is, you scowl at him and shake your head but your voice is lighter now when you speak—if only barely. “Honestly, Dazai, what did you think you were going to get out of this by coming here? I could have killed you. I should kill you. Coming to the headquarters of the Port Mafia to blackmail one of its executives with evidence threatening to expose them-”

“I didn’t threaten to expose you,” Dazai protests, prancing a bit more into your apartment. Now that he’s not as stressed, he can actually admire your apartment—apartment, is this even an apartment? He runs his fingers along the pristine black marble of the bar separating your kitchen from the living room, ignoring the way your eyes follow him. “I just…”

“You threatened to expose me,” you interrupt dryly. “You implied it.”

“I did not,” Dazai complains. “It’s not my fault you took it that way.”

You roll your eyes. “What were you thinking, Dazai?” you ask again.

Dazai gives you a sweet smile. “I’m thinking that you’re going to take me out on a date.”

You don’t know why you’re even entertaining him.

Three days later, you’re outside Dazai’s apartment complex waiting for him to get back from his classes. You’d have gone to the campus itself but you don’t feel like having to beg Albatross or Iceman to get into the campus cameras to wipe the footage of you being there, especially knowing that it’ll get right back to Chuuya who is still under the belief that you’re no longer talking to Dazai.

You scowl as you look down at your phone, checking the time again. He should’ve been back ten minutes ago—you told him you were here waiting. Your reservation is in thirty minutes and he still has to change, you glance over your shoulder as a group of college students make their way toward the complex. You hardly stop yourself from rolling your eyes, you’d figured that the complex would be popular with the kids attending YNU—that’s why you ended up buying it—but you really don’t want to interact with any of them. 

You can feel them looking at you too—fuck, you should have just stayed in your car. From the corner of your eye, you can see them exchange curious looks with one another. One of the boys nudges another, clearly beckoning him to go try to talk to you and you will strength from the gods-

You hear your name fall from familiar lips, quiet and unsure, and the unpleasant expression that you know must be on your face melts away. You let your head fall to the side over your shoulder, gaze focusing on Dazai—he’s dressed casually in a brown sweater and cream pants, school books tucked to his chest and backpack hanging off of his shoulders. He looks surprised at the sight of you so you raise your eyebrows.

“You’re late, I texted you,” you say simply as he approaches you, glancing at the car and then to you curiously.

“My phone died,” he replies sheepishly, a bit of light returning to his eyes as he comes closer to you. Warmth starts to spread through your chest when you see how the corners of his lips twitch up, fingers absently thrumming against his books. “Where are we going?” 

“You’re getting changed,” you reply, nodding to the suit hanging in the passenger seat of he car, “and then-”

“Yo, Dazai-kun!”

Your eye twitches at the interruption, gaze twisting to the side to fall on one of the boys from that group you’d been dreading walking over before Dazai arrived. You notice him stiffen, an uncomfortable expression crossing his face when he hears his name being called. So, you sigh, motion for him to go into the car and grab the suit as you turn your attention to the group of approaching college students.

“We’re busy,” you say with a tight smile, tone short and perfunctory but trying to be polite. 

Your eyes sweep over the one who spoke up—he’s dressed nice, slacks and a button up, tailored neatly to his body, but there’s something so distasteful about him that you can’t help the way your lip curls up in disgust. Maybe it’s because of the way Dazai looks so uncomfortable.

The man looks entirely unperturbed by your blatant dismissal, giving you a charming smile. “I’m Yoshimura Hiro—me and Daz-”

Irritated, you glance one last time at Dazai, seeing that he got the suit out of the car and shut the door. You lock the car and without another word, press your hand against Dazai’s lower back to urge him forward, walking away from the small group without another word.

Dazai can hardly muffle the snort that escapes his lips as soon as the two of you make it into the building. His eyes have regained that brightness that they’d lost when his classmates approached you, a smile curving at his lips.

“That was so rude,” he says with a grin.

“We have a reservation to make,” you tell him dryly. “I said we were busy.”

“Still, you didn’t even wait for him to finish introducing himself.”

“Would you have preferred I had?” you ask, glancing at him as he unlocks his apartment, watching as his smile falters as he shakes his head. “Why don’t you get along with them?”

Dazai shrugs but he seems a bit more awkward now as you step into his apartment. He tosses his books onto the coffee table and shrugs his backpack off onto the couch. You lean against the wall as you wait for him to respond, noting that his apartment is much cleaner than the last time you were here.

“They don’t like me,” he corrects absently, fiddling with a mug on his coffee table before bringing it over to the kitchen. “Most people don’t.”

There’s a silent question lingering at the end of the sentence—you know it, even if you couldn’t tell from the way the words hang, you can see it in the way his eyes draw over to you. Maybe he wants reassurance of some kind that you do like him, that you’re not just doing this because of the blackmail, but the words die on the tip of your tongue.

Instead, you say, “Go get changed. We’re running late already.”

Dazai looks disappointed by your words—you can see it in the way his shoulders slump and his lashes lower, the corner of his lips tightening—but he lets out a dramatic sigh, muttering something under his breath before going into his bathroom to change.

Luckily, it only takes him a few minutes to get changed into the suit. He comes out as he’s still buttoning up the waistcoat—jacket slung over his shoulder. Your eyes drop down to his slim waist, eyes lingering at how neatly the vest clings to it.

Kido really did a good job, you think, having to drag your eyes back up to his face as he finally shrugs the jacket on and looks back up at you.

“You look nice,” you compliment, watching as his cheeks flush just a shade darker. “I didn’t have time to change after my meeting. If I’d known you were going to be ten minutes late, I would’ve.” 

Dazai promptly scowls at you. “Well, maybe you shouldn’t have waited until the last second to tell me. What if I already had plans?” he complains, but then adds, “… I think you look beautiful.”

“I wear this outfit everyday,” you dismiss, ignoring the way your chest flutters.

“I know,” he admits quietly. “You look beautiful everyday.”

Oh.

“We should go!” Dazai says suddenly, a bit too loudly to be casual. “We’re running late, aren’t we?” 

You clear your throat. “Yeah,” you say. “Come on, let’s go.” 

The walk back to your car is quiet—the students you’d left there are gone, thank god. You can feel Dazai looking at you every few seconds as if he wants to say something but can’t bring himself to say it. You have half a mind to just tell him to spit it out but you still find yourself a bit flustered so you just let it be until you’re in the car.

“Where are we going anyway?” Dazai finally asks as you pull out of the complex, twisting in the passenger seat to look at you. His eyes look almost golden beneath the rays of the sun, soft and excited, you can’t help the way your gaze lingers before you force yourself to focus on the road.

“You said you wanted to go to that restaurant by your campus, didn’t you?” you ask, tilting your head to the side to raise your eyebrows before looking forward again. “Taking you there.”

“The rooftop restaurant looking over the park?” Dazai splutters, eyes widening. “You remembered that? It’s so expensive, I-”

You don’t even acknowledge the last thing he was saying. Instead, you give him a squinty look before asking, “Why wouldn’t I remember?”

Dazai’s lips part as he stares at you like he’s trying to say something but can’t bring himself to. You don’t like the way he’s looking at you, it makes your heart twist in on itself. It’s too intense, too close to lo-

You don’t even let yourself finish that sentence, focusing back on the road as you change the subject. “They import crabs from the Beagle Channel in southern Argentina—best quality in the world, much better than that canned shit you eat every day.”

“What do you have against canned crab?” Dazai complains, leaning his head against the window. “You hate me. How did you even get a reservation at this place? They’re booked out like ten months in advance, we talked three days ago.”

You give Dazai a heavy side eye that he understands instantly from how he rolls his eyes, muttering something under his breath that you don’t quite catch.

“What was that?” you ask, giving him a pointed smile.

“Nothing,” he scowls.

You smile to yourself, focusing on driving again. The restaurant isn’t far from his complex so you get there pretty quickly. Dazai is quiet for most of the rest of the ride aside from the occasional comment about his classes. He bitches about his engineering class and all of the irritating freshman boys that he’s taking it with because it’s a 101 class, tells you vaguely about how he’s on a roll for one of his projects for his poetry workshop, explains the plot of the book he’s reading for his creative writing class, and he notably does not mention anything about his journalism class—you don’t know if it’s because he’s too awkward to bring it up or what, but you’re grateful for it because the last thing you want to do is think about him working with Ui Koutarou to expose you as a mafia executive. You still don’t even entirely believe this isn’t some whole big scheme they concocted together.

You let the car roll to a stop in front of the tower the restaurant is in, leaving it running as you put it in park and nod for Dazai to get out. You get out yourself, grabbing the keys and tossing them over to the valet with a quick thanks before leading Dazai into the building.

He looks almost wonderstruck as he steps into the tower, brown eyes wide and glittering as he looks at all of the expensive decor in the lobby of the tower. You have to physically guide him forward, arm slipping around his waist to get him moving in the direction of the elevator, but as soon as you come in contact with him, he goes rigid. Your brows furrow, about to pull your arm back but before you can, he presses his palm against the back of your hand, holding your arm in place for a quick second. You can’t help the smile that twitches to your lips when his arm drops back to his side and you catch the pretty flush staining his cheeks as he pointedly looks away.

You lead him into the elevator, catching the pout that pushes at his lips when your arm leaves his waist and you’re going to tease him for it but then you catch the oddly intense look in his eyes as he gazes down at you.

“What is it?” you ask.

“Nothing,” he replies, throat bobbing as if considering what to say. “It’s just… no one has ever done this for me before.”

“It’s just dinner, Dazai,” you tell him, voice quiet as you look away, missing the way his expression drops at your words.

“Yeah,” he agrees, though he sounds strained now so you give him a concerned look that he tries to play off with a smile that’s too frayed at the edges for comfort. You’re about to call him out on it but you don’t get the chance because the elevator doors slide open to the restaurant on the top floor before you can.

A familiar face stands on the other side of the elevator, delighted at the sight of you. “Hime,” the owner of the restaurant greets as you step out of the elevator with Dazai, reaching out to clasp one of your hands with both of his. “I almost didn’t believe it when they said you called to see if we could get you a table tonight. It’s been so long.”

“Ah, Yoshida-san, you’ll have to forgive me,” you say with an easy smile. “You know how busy work can get.”

“Of course, of course,” Yoshida replies, glancing at Dazai and inclining his head to him. “This must be your date. Come, I’ll seat the two of you.”

Dazai looks a bit out of his depth, the smile on his face strained and an unsure look in his eyes so you reach out to hook your arm into his, leading him through the restaurant as you make idle talk with Yoshida. You’re pleased when he brings you to a table near the window with a view over the whole park and the distant bay. 

Yoshida bows his head down to the two of you and lets you get settled, you take a seat but then give Dazai an odd look when he just stands there with a contemplative expression. You’re about to ask him what he’s doing when he suddenly moves to grab the chair opposite you.

He drags the chair from his side of the table all the way to yours. The legs scrape the floor so loudly that it draws the attention of all of the other patrons of the restaurant. You stare at him, lips parted in disbelief, but Dazai only gives you a sweet smile in return. He’s entirely unperturbed, plopping the chair down right next to yours and taking a seat in it. He rests his elbow on the table, propping his chin on his hand and watching you with an indescribable look in his eyes.

“You’re the worst,” you tell him but there’s no heat to your words as the corners of your lips tug up.

“You love me anyway,” Dazai coos, gaze flickering down to your lips briefly before settling back on your eyes.

When a soft, pleased smile spreads across Dazai’s face as he leans in to nudge his shoulder against yours, you have to actively remind yourself that you’re only doing this because of the blackmail. 

Dazai is already lounging on your couch when you get up to your apartment. You don’t seem to notice him—you’re clearly unhappy about something, lips twisted down and brows furrowed as you talk to someone on your phone. It’s not until Dazai peeks his head up above the back of the couch to look at you do you finally catch sight of the movement, eyes flickering to the side to focus on him.

“Thanks, Tolstoy, I’ll let you know if I need him. I appreciate it,” you say before letting the phone drop from your ear and ending the call. 

For a horrifying second, your expression doesn’t change and all of those insecurities that he can’t push away—that you really are only doing this because of the video, that he’s forcing himself on you instead of giving you an excuse to actually be with him that goes above the fears that are haunting you. But then, you sigh and your shoulders slump. You toss your jacket onto the other couch before sitting with him on the one he’s sitting on, knees knocking against his.

“Hi,” Dazai says with a small smile, itching to shift closer to you but hardly refraining. “You’re late today.”

“You’re early,” you reply dryly but there’s a fond curl to the corners of your lips that makes Dazai feel nice and warm. “You know, I think you’ve been at my apartment more than yours the past week.”

Dazai’s smile becomes simpering. “Why would I stay in my small, dirty apartment when I could stay in your nice one?” he asks, watching as you roll yours. “Anyway, you love it when I’m here. Your apartment would be so lonely and boring without me.”

“It would be something alright,” you agree half-heartedly, leaning your head against the back of the couch and letting your eyes slide shut.

Dazai’s smile falters as soon as your gaze leaves him, an uncomfortable and unwelcome feeling spreading through his chest. Is he being too much? He has been spending a lot of time at your apartment but it’s because whenever he’s alone, his own thoughts threaten to consume him. They whisper too loudly about how you’d never be doing this without the blackmail, about how he’s so desperate to not be alone that he’d stoop to forcing you to hang out with him. They’re quieter when he’s here, even when you’re not, so he’s been spending as much time as possible in your apartment, doing his schoolwork and watching TV while he waits for you to come back.

“Long day?” Dazai finally asks to draw himself out of his own thoughts, watching as you look back over at him.

“Mhm,” you agree, leaning your head against the back of the couch. “Lots of meetings. All with people I don’t like.”

You’ve become a bit more open over the past week—you still don’t tell him anything of importance, of course, but you’re at least not avoiding just about every topic that edges somewhat close to your ‘business’. He still feels like he doesn’t know you as well as he should and he hasn’t tried to push that anymore since the night you showed up at his apartment. He wants to try to push again but he’s just worried that he’s going to take it too far and he’ll mess it up.

He supposes he should at least try to feel it out though.

“Can I ask something?” he asks after a moment, almost wincing when you immediately cast him a suspicious look.

“The last time you asked me that, you were trying to figure out if I was in the Mafia,” you say doubtfully and Dazai’s throat goes dry as you lean back against the arm of the couch and extend your legs outward onto his lap. Hesitantly, he drops his hand onto your ankle, grip becoming more firm when you don’t instantly pull away.

“Well, we’ve already figured that out,” Dazai says with a sweet smile but then lets the smile drop as he adds more seriously, “I just want to get to know you better.”

You sigh, watching him carefully for a moment before nodding. “Go ahead,” you say. “Ask.”

“What’s your ability?”

Instantly, you sigh and look away. Dazai’s heart drops and his lips part to say something else but he doesn’t know what.

“I can’t, Dazai,” you finally tell him and Dazai tries not to be disappointed but he can’t help the way his lashes lower. “It’s not-you shouldn’t even know I have an ability. Only a handful of people know. It’s literally the most confidential secret in the-I can’t.”

“But I already know you have one,” Dazai presses, his tone coming across as far too close to a whine considering the look you give him. “What’s the harm in telling me what it is?” 

“Dazai,” you say, voice becoming more edged. “You don’t understand what people would do to get intel on my ability—I’m not going to-”

“I just want to know you,” Dazai interrupts, words drawn out and throat tight. “I just-I want to know you.”

You stare at him for a moment and Dazai’s grip on your ankle tightens, expression dropping. Just as he’s about to drawback and give up, you sigh and look away from him.

“I can mess around with people’s minds,” you finally tell him, voice quiet. Dazai’s eyes widen, head snapping toward you as he waits for you to continue. “I can… induce different types of mental and physical states in the brain and mind.”

“Like… Emma Frost?” Dazai asks, squinting. You give him an odd look so he amends, “Like mind control?” 

“No,” you answer. “I can’t… control minds. I can like… induce short term changes in emotions and sensations. I’m not directly manipulating them but putting them into a state and letting them work with it. They can either snap themselves out of it or make it stronger.”

“... I see,” Dazai says slowly. “So, you can make someone happy but if something makes them sad after, it’ll snap them out of it?”

“Pretty much,” you hum but there’s a weird look on your face that tells Dazai that maybe you’re not saying everything. “Some emotions are easier than others. Happiness is more… fragile, harder to sustain in a target. Fear is much more… a lot like a parasite—once you put it in someone’s head, almost everyone will start to spiral. It’s much harder to break out of.”

“The mindkiller,” Dazai notes, quoting one of his favorite books, a bit of morbid curiosity spiking, wanting to know how he would fare.

You give him an amused look. “Now, you’re quoting Dune? Quite the broad taste in media.”

“You’ve read Dune, too?” Dazai gapes. “You must be my soulmate.”

“You’re ridiculous,” you say, rolling your eyes.

“Ridiculously cute,” Dazai counters immediately, smile twitching at his lips when he sees the fond expression on your face.

Then, naturally, he makes a mistake. 

“Can you use it on me?” Dazai asks, leaning forward a bit. When you give him a sharp, alarmed look, he quickly fumbles out, “Not like anything big. I just want to see what it’s like. Just something sma-”

“No.”

“But-”

“No,” you say loudly, making Dazai draw back, hand falling from your ankle to rest on the couch next to him. You pull your legs off of his lap and sit up straight, turning your body away from him. “Just no, Dazai. Don’t ask me that again.”

“I didn’t mean-” Dazai starts to apologize but he’s flustered, not having expected a response like that from you. He fucked up. Again. Just as he was making progress. Again. “I don’t-”

“I can’t turn off my ability,” you tell him quietly after a moment. “It’s… always going to some extent. Making people around me more at ease so they feel more comfortable talking to me. I don’t like using it to its full extent if I don’t have to, not on people I consider friends at least. I never know if people… I don’t know who wants to be around me for me and who’s just influenced by my ability.”

Oh.

Dazai shifts closer to you, there’s an unreadable expression on your face as you stare ahead. He hesitates for a second before reaching out and grabbing your hand, forcing you to look at him.

“I want you for you,” Dazai stresses. When you start to shake your head and look away, he repeats, “I do. I-”

“You wouldn’t know, Dazai,” you say, voice tight. “That’s the issue, you wouldn’t know.”

“I would know,” Dazai tells you, squeezing your hand. “I would know, I want you. I do.”

You don’t respond to him this time, staring ahead and Dazai doesn’t know what to do because you look sad. You look lost in your own thoughts, consumed by whatever is running through your head. It’s familiar—the same way he probably looks whenever he lets the parasites in his brain start eating away, sending him down a dangerous spiral.

He wants to draw you out of it. 

More than that, he wants to kiss you again. Desperately. 

He’s yearned for it since that night in his apartment, spent long nights alone and aching for your company when he thought you were abroad. For days, he could feel his lips tingling with the ghost of yours still brushing against them, could feel the weight of your body on his hips, grounding him when he thought he would finally be consumed by the emptiness that perpetually plagues him. He thinks maybe he can draw you out in the same way you always do for him. 

He wants to kiss you, and he’s about to lean in to do just that, breath catching in the back of his throat as his body becomes prickly with nerves.

You turn your head away before he can, rising to your feet and making your way to your bedroom, leaving him damningly alone in the living room of your apartment. 

He lets out a shaky breath, staring down at his lap, a cold and unsure feeling taking root in his chest.

Dazai has become a constant presence in your life. 

At first, it caused you nothing but stress—you constantly feared that him showing up to your apartment would lead to unwelcome eyes learning of his existence but he’s been very careful entering and leaving the building, and Klaus has been on top of the cameras. You think it’s been around a week and a half, maybe two weeks since Dazai first confronted you about everything and in that week and a half (maybe two weeks), you don’t think a single day has gone by without you coming home to find Dazai curled up on your couch or hunched over your kitchen table.

Today is no different.

Your head is pounding when you make it up to your apartment, you’d spent two hours arguing with Chuuya over how to approach the issue with Shimazaki-kai. The Sun and Steel are struggling against them in Tokyo and Mishima Michiko had come to Yokohama personally to request assistance from the Port Mafia in routing them from Shibuya-ku. You don’t want to send Chuuya there—it’s only a matter of time before the Guild shows up in Yokohama to try to take the weretiger and you’ll need Chuuya here when they do. You can’t risk sending him off now.

But Chuuya wants to go there now—says that it’s a bad look that the Port Mafia started this conflict and is now leaving the Sun and Steel to suffer the consequences. And he’s right, but the Guild is more pressing than the Shimazaki-kai.

 It’s not often that the two of you disagree on tactical decisions, but when you do, the disagreements are stressful and explosive. Both of you are bullheaded and both of you are convinced that your decision is the correct one—and Lippmann wasn’t here to force you guys to settle down so it just became more and more heated until you finally stormed off.

You pause when you enter your apartment and hear a choppy tune being played on the piano in your living room—something you vaguely recognize as the beginning of Chopin’s Raindrop Prelude even with the many mistakes being made. Your stress and frustration slips away as you catch sight of Dazai sitting at the piano bench, so focused on the sheet music in front of him that he doesn’t even notice your arrival.

A small smile tugs at your lips as you quietly make your way over to him, watching as he pauses in the song and sighs, clearly frustrated by his mistakes. You take the opportunity to slide your hand across his shoulder blades; he jumps beneath your touch, eyes widening as he twists his neck to look up at you, cheeks flushing. 

“I didn’t know you played,” you say absently. “If you want, I can have the spare room on this floor made into a music room for you.”

You don’t know why you offer it, but you enjoy the look in his eyes as his gaze focuses on you: big and imploring, full of emotion. It’s a welcome change from the livid expression Chuuya had been casting your way for the past few hours.

“I don’t really,” Dazai says awkwardly. “I was just trying it out.”

“Well, do you like it?” you ask him, taking a seat on the bench next to him, fingers lingering on his lower back.

“I think so,” he tells you after a few moments, lashes fluttering as he looks down at the keys and then back up at you. “I think my mother used to play… I don’t really remember her, but I can vaguely remember a song she used to play.”

There’s an odd look in his eyes as he averts his gaze and you squeeze his side gently before saying, “Maybe the more you play, the more it’ll come back to you.

“Yeah, maybe,” he agrees half-heartedly, looking at you again, more carefully this time. “Are you okay?” 

You pause, not having expected him to catch onto your bad mood so quickly when you were doing your best to hide it, but you finally sigh and shake your head.

“Yeah,” you tell him, motioning for him to get up so the two of you can move over to the much more comfortable couch. “Stressful day. I thought you had class on Wednesdays.”

“It was online today,” Dazai says, propping his arms up on the back of the couch as he sits up. “I thought you said you wouldn’t be back until super late tonight.”

You scoff. “Yeah, until I got into a fight with Chuuya,” you mutter, making your way over to him to sit on the couch with him, looking at the puzzle he has spread out on your coffee table. “Where’d you get this?” 

Dazai gives you a sweet smile. “You left your computer open yesterday, I ordered some things.”

Dazai inches closer to you, there’s an indecipherable expression on his face, lips parted and eyes a bit wide. You can feel his knee nudging yours and you know what he wants. He’s been trying to make subtle moves on you for days but you just… You don’t know. You’re scared.

You’re scared.

You don’t think you’ve felt this way since you were a kid, trapped in that room in the military base on Tokoyami Island desperately trying to understand what your ability was so you wouldn’t be thrown back out into a warzone. Except now, it’s not just your fate on the line—every decision you make, Dazai’s life hinges on it and you’ve been making stupid ones for weeks. Even now, letting him stay at your apartment… Even if you do own all of the cameras, even if Klaus is on top of it, even if Dazai is being careful, it’s only a matter of time before a mistake is made.

You don’t know what you’re still holding out for. Maybe a chance to make him understand what exactly is at stake, break things off with you on his own… Maybe you’re waiting for something else. Your conversation with Tolstoy echoes through your head, his offer of sending Ilya Repin to you for you to utilize as you please.

Ilya Repin. A Crucession in Oakwood. 

Someone who can wipe Dazai’s memories of you so you can send him back off to live a normal life, make him forget he ever met you. It’s not something you want to do, fiddling with people’s minds… you know better than anyone that it’s not something to take lightly. But would it be worth it to ensure he lives? That he doesn’t get drawn any further into your shitshow life? The thought makes your chest ache painfully but if it means he would be safe.

You let out a shaky breath, looking away, and you can feel the disappointment emanating off of him, you can feel his fingers brushing your arm, but before you can say anything to him, you hear your elevator bing.

Someone arriving at your floor.

Your eyes widen as you rise to your feet, you cast Dazai a panicked look. He follows after you, unsure of what he should do. Klaus is across the city—he’s the only one that can come up to your apartment without permission besides-

Besides Chuuya.

Oh shit.

“Go to the kitchen,” you say, voice tight and stressed, you push Dazai forward to get him moving. You cannot let Chuuya know that Dazai is here. “Get to the-”

“Yo.” You hear Chuuya say, voice low and distracted as he steps into your apartment. He’s looking down at a bottle of wine, so you wave your hand at Dazai frantically, shooing him into the kitchen. He shoots you a panicked look before rushing into the kitchen. “I didn’t mean to let shit get so heated before.”

“You’re good,” you tell him, careful to keep the strain from your voice as Chuuya finally looks up from the bottle and makes his way over to you. “Takes two, I shouldn’t have been so quick to snap at you.”

“Nah.” Chuuya shakes his head, plopping down on the couch next to you. “You’ve been going through shit. The Boss constantly on your ass, having to drop that kid you liked-” shit “-I should’ve let it go instead of pressing. Brought you this.”

Oh, you’re in a bad spot. Your mind is a whirlwind of thoughts as you race to figure out what to do. You have to get Chuuya out of your apartment, but the man knows you so well that it’ll be impossible to do that without raising suspicion. If this were any other day and Dazai Osamu wasn’t hiding in your kitchen, you would be trying to worm more than just a bottle of wine out of Chuuya—probably dinner and a night out to go along with it—but he’ll want to crack open the bottle before going out and your wine glasses are in your kitchen.

Shit.

“An ‘82 Rothschild,” you drawl. “You’re really trying to butter me up.”

Chuuya gives you a smile that makes you feel guilty. “‘Cause I feel like shit,” he mutters and you hardly refrain from wincing because you know he wouldn’t if he knew the truth.

You think you might be the worst person alive. 

“How about we put it in the wine fridge and head out for the night?” you hum, nudging his shoulder. “Didn’t you want to try that new bar by the ports in Naka? The one Lippmann went to with his coworkers? We’ll save the wine for us to celebrate after we wipe out the Shimazaki-kai.” 

A good move. You almost pat yourself on the back for it—Chuuya’s been talking about this bar for weeks, but hasn’t gotten a break from work to actually go check it out. He was livid the other day when he found out Albatross and Iceman went without him. Plus, you implied that you’d give in a little on the argument you were having with him earlier; maybe you won’t send him to Tokyo to help the Sun and Steel but you could probably send Klaus or Akutagawa to ease Chuuya’s stress over the situation.

Please, please, please, please-

“Nah,” Chuuya says, shaking his head. “Maybe another night. I’ll go grab some glasses, find a movie?” 

Oh, fuck me.

“I’ll get them,” you say instead, too quickly from the way Chuuya is instantly casting a suspicious look in your direction so you pivot with: “I picked the last movie. It’s your turn.”

“You hate when I pick movies,” Chuuya says with a frown, studying you carefully before letting his eyes trail over to the kitchen. He’s thinking too hard, you realize, stressed, you need to make him stop before he figures out you don’t want him to go in there because once he realizes that, there’s no shot he won’t be rushing over there. “What’s really going on?” 

“Nothing,” you say easily. “I’m in the mood to trash one of your low budget horror movies.”

Chuuya instantly gives you an offended look and you think, for a moment, that you’ve succeeded. “Well, I’m not in the mood to hear you bitch halfway through the movie, so pick a damn movie.”

Chuuya rises to his feet, putting the bottle of wine down on the coffee table and you want to rip your hair out—why is he so fucking stubborn? You reach out to grab his wrist to stop him, teeth grinding together, and when Chuuya looks back at you, you know that he knows.

“What’s in the kitchen?” Chuuya asks, voice low.

“None of your business,” you reply, jaw tight. “Sit down and let me get the glasses.”’

“I don’t fuckin’ believe you,” Chuuya snaps and rips his wrist from your grasp and storms over to the kitchen. 

You race behind him, only able to watch as everything starts to crumble. You try to grab his wrist again but he slips out from your hold. For a scary second, you genuinely debate using your ability on him just to convince him to stop, to make him leave, but you disregard the thought as soon as it passes through your head, horrified with yourself.

“Chuuya, stop,” you say desperately, a last ditch attempt to make him stop, hoping that maybe when he hears how serious you are about this that he might reconsider, but it’s Chuuya, so of course he doesn’t.

You know it’s over when he freezes in the doorframe of your kitchen, staring into the room like he’s seen a ghost. Dreadfully, you come to stand at his side, looking over his shoulder to see what exactly he’s looking at, wanting nothing more than to crawl into a hole and die.

Dazai sits on the floor, half hiding behind your counter but unable to fully because of his height; his legs are too long to fit behind the counter and his head is peeking above the marble, brown eyes wide as he looks between the two of you. He focuses his attention on Chuuya, who stares at him mutely in disbelief.

Dazai finally says, “Your hat is tackier in person.”

Oh my god.

Chuuya doesn’t even react to the snide comment which you think is testimony to how angry he really is. He drags his gaze from Dazai over to you and you can see the rage swimming in his eyes. You don’t know how to approach this—Chuuya is always unpredictable when he’s angry—so you think maybe you should wait for him to say something first, but that’s also risky because once he’s set off, he’s set off. 

“You lied to me,” Chuuya says, voice low. “I was sitting here feeling guilty and-”

“I didn’t lie to you,” you interrupt, shaking your head, but that only pisses Chuuya off more from the way he shoots a pointed look at Dazai. “I didn’t. I did cut him off, Chuuya. I-”

“He’s sitting on your kitchen floor,” Chuuya’s spits, voice raising as he works himself up. “You let me sit here feeling guilty about this when-”

Chuuya suddenly cuts himself off, eyes widening as he stares at you, and a pit forms in your stomach, realizing he must have just come to another conclusion. Distress begins to pile in your chest because you can’t figure out what to do, frustration because this wasn’t supposed to happen. You want to look over to Dazai but you know it will only serve to piss Chuuya off even more.

“‘Is that what she told you?’” Chuuya whispers Mori’s words from a few weeks ago. “Don’t even tell me that the war with the Inagawa-kai began because of him. You told me they attacked you.”

You grimace, turning your face away and Chuuya lets out a high and reedy laugh, eyes wild with disbelief. You can feel Dazai’s curious eyes on you and you just want to curl in on yourself.

“We went to war with two Yakuza syndicates because of him-”

“We went to war because of what happened with your-” you begin to say, angry at the hypocrisy.

“And she died anyway,” Chuuya shouts, a familiar, eerie red glow beginning to emanate from his hands as he starts to lose control of his ability in his anger. “You couldn’t save her then, what makes you think you can save him now?”

You draw back as if you’d been slapped—you think you might’ve been better off getting slapped than hearing Chuuya say that. You stare at him blankly, watching as he looks over at Dazai, but you can’t bring yourself to follow his gaze.

“It would be more merciful if I just killed him now,” Chuuya says coolly. “Spare him from-”

You only move when he takes a step forward, grabbing his wrist and pressing your forearm hard against his upper chest to shove him into your fridge. Chuuya doesn’t expect you to get physical so his eyes widen as his back hits the fridge, gaze darting back to focus on you. The familiar feeling of the Tainted Sorrow sweeps over your body, coating you in that destructive red glow. 

For a moment, neither of you move.

“We both know you won’t use your ability on me,” you finally say, keeping your voice low. “I’ll fuck up your brain so badly that you won’t be able to look at yourself in the mirror for weeks if you take another step toward him.”

Chuuya doesn’t budge for a second, the tension in the room rising with each passing second. After a few minutes, he finally turns off his ability, taking in a deep breath as he shakes his head and looks away. You step back and Chuuya sighs as he leans against the fridge, forcing himself to look back at you.

“I did cut him off after we talked… ish,” you tell him and Chuuya gives you a flat look. “I did. I ran into him at the ports. One of the kyodai of the Inagawa-kai showed up, saw me with him. Klaus killed him. We had to act before they found out we drew first blood.”

“Oh my god,” Chuuya complains, pressing his hands to his eyes. “You-I had to use Corruption. The entire northern ward-”

“I know, Chuuya,” you say tightly. “I didn’t mean for any of it to happen. I-”

You let out a breath, glancing once at Dazai who’s watching you with an indecipherable expression and then ask Chuuya, “Can we go into the other room?”

Dazai’s head snaps toward you, an offended expression on his face, but you ignore him. “You’re talking about me-” he starts to protest but Chuuya gives him a sharp look that makes Dazai blanch even more, looking to you for support but you look away, missing the way his expression crumbles.

As soon as the two of you are in the other room, Chuuya gives you a hard look, waiting for you to continue.

“I cut him off after what happened at the port and I ran into him again at the event a few weeks ago,” you say quietly. “His professor for one of his classes is a journalist working for the Ivory Eagle, he has three kids—including Dazai—doing his dirty work trying to find proof of the Mori Corporation being a front for the Port Mafia.”

Chuuya stares at you. “What?” he asks blankly.

“Yeah, I know,” you grimace. “Dazai found the proof. He has a video of us from behind the Tokyo City Hall.”

“You’re letting yourself be blackmailed by a college student?” Chuuya demands loudly. You give him a sharp look, but it’s too late, Dazai is already looking into the room with an indecipherable expression on his face, lashes lowering as his gaze falls to the ground. “You’re a fucking mafia executive, are you fucking with me right now?” 

Your eye twitches in frustration, casting one last look in Dazai’s direction, watching the way his brows furrow as he thinks up a storm in that head of his—nothing good, you’re sure, but you can’t do anything about it right now.

“I’m not going to kill him, Chuuya,” you hiss under your breath. “Would you have killed her if she found out?”

Chuuya lets out a heavy breath and looks away, not answering your question but that’s an answer in itself.

“Look,” you continue, glancing at where Dazai had been standing only to realize that he’d walked away. You sigh and lower your voice. “I’m working on something. I just… I need time to figure out how to go about it. I don’t want him in this life either, Chuuya. I’m not that selfish.”

Yes, you are, a distant part of you whispers. Otherwise, you would have handled this as soon as he came to your apartment that first day.

Chuuya shakes his head. “You need to be careful. You have him in our headquarters, in your apartment. Do you know how thin of a line you’re treading? The slightest slip up-”

“I know, Chuuya,” you say, strained. “I know.”

“Figure it out quickly,” Chuuya murmurs. “I’ll do what I can in the meantime to keep the heat off of you. Just… quit fucking around.”

Chuuya gives you a steady look and you know that he knows that you’re using this as an excuse to indulge in Dazai when you shouldn’t be. You can hardly hold his gaze, lashes fluttering as you look down. He reaches out to squeeze your forearm and you turn your head away, trying to figure out what the fuck you’re going to say to Dazai.

“Yeah, I will.”

Dazai pretends like everything is fine.

He’s still sitting cross-legged on your bed when you finally come looking for him, hands in his lap and back straight. You lean against the doorframe, an uncharacteristically soft expression on your face as you look at him—Dazai hates it, because he knows that he’s not going to like whatever you’re about to bring up to him so he decides he needs to evade the conversation in whatever manner possible.

“Did that pipsqueak leave?” Dazai huffs, only finding a bit of consolation in the way your lips curl up into a smile at his insult.

“He did,” you agree, pushing off the doorframe to make your way over to him. Dazai swallows thickly when you take a seat in front of him on the bed. You lean back on your hands, head falling to the side as you observe him. “I didn’t think he was coming over today. We’d just gotten into an argument so things were already tense. I’m sorry that it blew up on you like that.”

Dazai doesn’t want to talk about this, so instead, he smiles and says, “It’s fine. Do you want to watch a movie?” 

Your brow furrows at the way he dismisses your comment—god, he doesn’t want to talk about this. He knows where it’s going to lead, he knows you’re only doing this because of the blackmail and he knew from day one that it wasn’t going to work forever but he’d hoped maybe he’d be able to woo you before then, make you want him for him, want him enough to decide he’s worth the risk. He should’ve known better—he really should have—but he’s not ready to let go just yet.

So, before you can bring it back up again, Dazai forces the smile on his face to come across a little more genuine as he tilts his head and hums, “I found a good horror movie. I’m stealing your pillow to hide behind while we watch.”

Please.

He knows you can see through the sweet smile and honeyed words but he begs you to just pretend you don’t one last time. After what feels like an eternity, you finally sigh, gaze dropping to your lap for a second before you look back up at him and say, “You’re not taking my pillow.”

Dazai doesn’t have to force a smile now, lighting up as he waves your pillow in the air and sings, “Too late!” before darting off the bed and into the other room.

“Dazai!” you call after him loudly and he tosses a smile over his shoulder before disappearing into the other room. He can hear you chasing after him and though his chest does feel a bit lighter, he can’t push away the cold, empty feeling that’s slowly starting to consume him.

[jackienautism]

There’s something very funny about none of the other counselors having an issue with Laura wanting to kill Chris. They were like “lmao fuck that guy fr” and no one comments on it later.

LMAO IVE NEVER THOUGHT ABT THIS BEFORE

it IS extremely funny how ryan was the ONLY one opposed to laura wanting to kill chris. but at the same time. he was the only one who didn't necessarily believe laura too? so maybe it was sort of like .... everyone else (dylan kaitlyn and abi) didnt mind too much bc thheyre beginning to realize just how AWFUL the hacketts actually are? if that makes sense? bc like... remember when dylan made a comment abt the lodge being a mess and kaitlyn responded w/ something along the lines of "if half of what laura says is true, i really dont care about what mr h thinks"? it may mainly be a sense of. oh everyone believes laura, hence why theyre ok w/ her going through w/ her plan. but at the same time. its kind of hard to believe that ryan was the ONLY one who created / had some sort of relationship w/ him prior to this moment fkdgdfg but to be fair we don't rly know abt the rest of the counselors' dynamics w/ chris. so its hard to say

regardless of the explanation, it is quite funny fdgkdfg esp taken at face value. bc no one gaf abt laura's plan. abi even. stood UP for laura in that moment. soo eyah. they rly said "fuck chris hackett" huh

they mustve all atleast liked him a little though right? bc i know dylan makes a comment abt chris being cool, despite the defiance he can put up regarding charging his phone. but also. he must be SOMEWHAT be close enough to even THINK that hed be able to use one of chris' phone chargers right? and the whole "dj dylan" thing? chris letting dylan use the radio hut for his announcements, at the expense of storing chris' tools ik and all but???? hello?

im just sooo interested in this now. i know chris refers to ryan as "one of the good ones," so who are the other "good ones"? who are the other counselors chris sees as on par w/ ryan?

[nekkodiaries]

⌖ the 7th shot. ┆ second base. [ 0.7k words + 2 pics. ]

killstrike: oi, i waited for 30 mins for ur stupid ass n u didnt come ://

killstrike: hey .. its been 2 days 😐 this isnt funny r u actually mad at me

killstrike: im sorry for calling u stupid 😕 even tho u kind of are

killstrike: 😕😕😕 its been 5 days since ur last active. are you okay?

jay sighs as he finishes sending the last message. summer break's about to end and the way she's been inactive makes him feel like this little friendship they've made's about to end too. maybe he should have taken heeseung's advice and asked for her number. or any other social media account.

this feels all too repetitive of the last 'incidents' he's had with her. she ghosts him and he gets anxious, staring at the screen until that little button beside her icon turns green, messaging her a couple of times even though he isn't getting a reply back. each message he sends knocking down hard on his pride, but he continues to type away. it almost leaves him upset at how he's actively trying to build a friendship with her, and her not caring enough to update him.

but he shoos his anxious thoughts away, convincing himself that maybe he's overthinking this. that even though she teased and insulted him quite a lot, she'd never completely ghost jay without reason.

just like magic, his phone vibrates. jay sits up from his bed, eyes glued on the little chat box he has with notursniper. she just comes back with a lame "haha hi." without anything else. was she not going to address how she was gone for a week? was she going to dip again?

killstrike: haha hi your face.

jongseong did not mean for his words to come out so 'upset' and pointed, but he actually was.

notursniper: hey 🥺 did you not miss your favorite sniper,, hmph

killstrike: you were gone for a week and you didn't tell me 😐

notursniper: i didn't have a choice !! i sprained my hand and my wrist hurts too much to hold my phone 🥺 can't even game grrRRr.

oh. that's why she was away. he wonders why she keeps getting into little accidents— from catching fever to spraining her hand. so clumsy, this one. he chuckles and puts his phone down briefly, rubbing his palm on his face as it dawns on him just how stupid he was for getting so deep into his mind about her short absence.

notursniper: oh god, you waited for me the day i slipped hhhhHhh I'M SORRY 🥺😭

killstrike: nah it's no big deal. i DID worry bc of ur sudden absence though. not fun. 😐😐😐 killstrike: anyw. do u wanna play now? i haven't duo-ed since u went AWOL on me

notursniper: guess you're gonna go awol on duo for longer because i can't play rn notursniper: i'm lich relly typing w one hand because my wrist hurts like a raging bitch.

his thumbs come to the screen to tell her to take a rest but heeseung's words come to mind. maybe he can ask for her twitter? pubg isn't as fun without her as his partner, plus he wouldn't have to log in everyday just to reply to her. god knows he's only been using the game to talk to her and not to actually game.

he stares at his phone for a while, thumbs slightly trembling at the thought of asking her to talk somewhere else other than the app itself. jay is nervous this would change their dynamics. but is it really that deep? maybe it is. maybe it's not. maybe he's just overthinking this again. but she might think otherwise— maybe she assumes he wants something more than a platonic gamer-friendship with her (which he does) but he doesn't want to outright give up his pride for that. then again, if he doesn't do this, he realizes she might ghost again and he's the one who'll end up having a hard time. so with his toes curled in nervousness, he types out a message.

killstrike: would it be easier to talk on twitter? only if you're comfortable. :)

notursniper: are going to second base rn? 😳😳

killstrike: . loRD. i should not have apologized that day 🧎🏻

notursniper: i'm kidding ! 🤣 give me you're @ and i'll follow you.

killstrike: same as my ign.

notursniper: boo 👎 boring 👎

killstrike: i don't take insults from 9-year olds. now go follow me and let's talk there so you can rest your wrist.

masterlist. ┆ previous. — next.

summary: park jay lives life as a hot-headed gamer by day and.. well.. still a hot-headed gamer by night— except he secretly goes by the name killstrike. after losing a match, he finds himself trash-talking his teammate notursniper, who happens to be the mysterious classmate he's been admiring for over a year and more.

taglist [open] : @yvnjin-s @wondering-out-loud @rikisly @babystrlla @shinrjj @homelycat @annoyingbitch83 @fadedluvv @haerinism

permanent taglist: @duolingofanaccount @enhasengene

[lets-talk-spirituality]

https://at.tumblr.com/lets-talk-spirituality/703755184537567232/rfw9at8itdad /// I agree with everything, you're right and it's okay for you to act this way!

curiously I see a lot of myself on you, i'm a teenager, i grew up in an abusive household, and I have a poor communication with my parents (they’re divorced) it's a loooong story but summing up i developed many issues and attracted toxic friendships, i'm trying my best to heal and i know how you feel when people twist your words and put pressure on you, i know because I go through this since childhood (reason why i have only two friends lol. I don't consider friend friendship without depth. To protect my energy and mental health). I'm too caring toward others and I dont want to disappoint anyone. My life is boring but at least my heart is in peace. I have emotional blockage and use this as a way to avoid becoming codependent with an abusive person, i fear i would love unconditionally anyone who gives me the love i didnt received and wished so badly my entire life. I don't like having to be strong all the time, sometimes I feel exhausted i wish i could rely on someone.

Is easy to gaslight and manipulate me (i'm not even tell a story that happened to me with a narcisist during 2021😂 now i'm laughing but at that time i wanted to yell) after i realized this, i started to develop some defense and i never open up about me to others and only share what i don't mind people knowing. I don't trust my own self and need validation but finally i'm working on it and developing confidence. Consequently these wounds - plus many issues and anxiety - made me highly empathetic and intuitive (unfortunately not on a psychic level), I would never do to other people what was done to me. We don't have to become the monster that destroyed us.

I appreciate that you haven't given up on this blog even with all the trigger and annoying people, I wouldn't handle it, honestly, i'm glad you share knowledge and don't let negativity get in your way, the process of healing from trauma is very complicated. Wishing you the best! 🌱💕

sorry for bad english

Omg. Hi! Welcome to the tribe. So glad you found the blog and me because yes. We have very similar experiences and probably relate and can understand each other very deeply. If anything I hope it makes you feel less alone and gives you hope that things can always grow and strengthen. Reading your ask made me tear up a bit, because thank you for validating me and my experience and my reactions and for truly understanding what I said. I also feel like maybe we are connecting for the reason of feeling community and that’s so nice. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with me.

I’m adding you to the psychic bestie circle, because I was literally on the phone with my mom (also a long story, because who likes ‘em short?) about how I view loyalty and how seriously I take that and why it makes it hard for me to make friends and feel like I belong. I think trauma does this thing where you can’t take relationships lightly because so many of core your relationships are fractured and it doesn’t feel safe to have friends or other people around you can’t fully trust. It can be hard to engage with people who are more light and casual at times because it’s like they don’t really understand what it’s like. I struggle to connect a lot because I feel people don’t understand the depth of what experiences like this mean and how they shape us.

And you nailed it. I did that with my exes. I’m a lot more healed now because I rarely feel things (blessing and a curse, amiright?) for people, but part of me is so terrified to meet a healthy partner because I know so much of this will come up. Being love starved makes you primed for codependency. There’s this thing I wrote once:

“You’re going to hurt me.”

“No. I’m going to love you, and sometimes they feel the same.”

If you’ve only ever known love that hurts, healthy love hurts too, because it almost exacerbates how badly you were treated by offering a comparison. I can’t find a way to expand this feeling through words, so I hope you get what I’m saying.

And yes again! I literally wrote after talking to my mom not an hour ago “why do I always have to be the adult” I’m always the glue holding shit together, the one no one ever worries about because I always handle it. My sister is dealing finally with her trauma from all this and my mom is all I wanna be there for her and wanted to talk to me about what happened growing up honestly. And it’s like why couldn’t you offer me that when I was suicidal for the past two years (2020/2021) but you can give that to my sister (who deserves that obvi, but like I do too).

That’s the shit that kills me sometimes and I know it’s playing victim but sometimes it’s really like just because I’m smart and strong and wise and capable of holding it all together, doesn’t mean you can just neglect me. Doesn’t mean I should have to hold it all together all the time. That’s kinda what I mean about people negating my hard work. Like people I’ve encountered, generally speaking, seem to not understand my struggle because in a way I make it look bearable or something. I’m only like that because I had to bear it. There was no option. Whether I make it look easy or not, doesn’t mean it is. I could only ever rely on myself— ultimately things I’m grateful for, I’m sure you get this push and pull too between appreciating what you went through and how it grew you and also resenting it deeply because you’d rather be well adjusted.

Idk why today all my trauma is stirring around. Maybe because of therapy yesterday but it’s like all day I’ve had this energy going around. Anyway, sweet nonnie. I can tell you have an amazing and loving soul and I feel so much power from you, it’s quiet but formidable. If you ever want to chat in the DMs. I’m here for you! And your English was fucking perfect and I’m impressed AF because I can only speak English and un poquito de Espanol. Sending so much love and healing and just general joy to you! 💫⭐️☀️ Never let the dirt dim your shine. You’re golden baby and you only grow more rare with time. Mwah 💋

[mindself]

Mind did not want to focus. Super tired even tho i slept like 7 hrs or more (felt like i didnt sleep that grear tho-- light sleeping rather than good rest) Didn't feel like waking up but my mind started waking up. So i might as well have gotten up. I don't have to go anywhere today. I should get some things done. But i think my mind is just tired from not resting last weekend. I did rest.... but not enough apparently. Driving wears me out no matter what else i do, even tho I've been driving for over 20 years. I think irregular schedule wears me out too, along with getting up in the morning even tho it's not that early and driving right away. Also if i have to go somewhere in the morning i often wake up earlier than i need to bc my mind is telling me i have to get up in the morning! Not that early tho! If i don't get 8 hours of sleep my mind is not at optimum which i hate. 7 is ok but not enough and gradually adds up negatively. And if i slept weird like waking up a lot it's even worse than not getting those hours at all. Plus it's even harder to get up now with sleeping pills and forcing myself to wake up even with coffee is draining (rather than easing into the day by 11 when my mind begins to work.... I used to be a morning person before my arm injury messed up my sleep schedule!!!). Perhaps trying to figure out things and not having them figured out for 15 years is also stressful-- and pressure building yearly ... even more this y bc i have to move out by October lol... And stress is stressful like i was driving in a storm last weekend and car went thru a puddle and stalled. Panicked. This happened last year and car battery died amd i had to get it towed. And im terrrified of car accidents... even more bc my car insurance shot up this y after scraping another car just a little in a parking lot... over $100 just to tow the car last year for a block and find nothing wrong w it.... It takes me a long time to recover from any kind of stress (why i avoid people... interaction takes too much out of me and i lose time and panic and have to rest)

I also have a slight headache today. And have vacation next week so im probably like why work just today. My sister is coming tomorrow and if im not rested i might do sth i regret. Need to charge energy for being with people (even tho i like my sister it all adds up) -- including a baby shower for my cousin on Sunday-- and driving on Saturday like 23 miles... packing.... switching gears...

May be from last weekend/needing to rest... maybe i am sick tho bc i haven't felt normal for a while. A sort of brain fog. This morning i heard my bagel pop up in the toaster and i . Opened the microwave. Brain glitches like that plus spacing out and not remembering things. Hard to think.

Maybe its built up stress since i can't handle trying to figure things out/pressure of not having it figured out yet. Why. Why can't i handke actual normal things

Maybe i need a vacation (but i need a vacation like. Every other week if the week + weekend is full .. Can't get anything done like that!!!). Maybe something is seriously wrong w me.

I was going to look up things on my phone this morning but as usual i checked my tumblr but this time i totally forgot what i was doing and was scrolling tumblr for a while without realizing it. Like i needed to actually do something (or SHOULD). I even forgot i needed to take a shower this morning. Suddenly i remembered. Well if I'm not getting anything else done i might as well take a shower...

Then i went to get dressed but even got diverted from that lol and started rearrranging the magnets on the magnet board on my dresser (one of those calendar ones-- mom gave me it for organizing but i just used it for magnets and putting cards, pictures etc on).

Maybe my mind is telling me i need to take a break. The one day i dont neeed to do anything. Even tho i SHOULDNT NEED TO TAKE A BREAK AFTER SO LITTLE

[arillusionist]

reaction to the last 3 eps of s&b - im doing it all at once bc i wanna get it over with considering im gonna be rlly sad watching these knowing we'll never get a real ending.

also YES i was heartbroken over the cancellation even tho i hadnt finished the show. im emotionally attached to the books okay!! leave me alone

oh this is the hallucination scene i've heard too much about

the fucking BUTTERFLIES

bye not wylan's overly dramatic ass

"a village boy cut in half by a plow blade" isnt that literally what happened to kaz's dad

"hope is an illusion. a lie" hes such a kaz ripoff

oh i didnt think tolya had a hallucination i've never heard anyone talk about it

whos blood is that im gonna guess tamar

why am i so smart like

if they rush jesper's developement with one hallucination im gonna be mad

what happened i cant tell. he better not have rejected her again or whatever ugh theyre so cute tho

WOW i love how they always go from established relationships to some angsty kanej scene.

love how he doesnt stare at her lovingly or shit hes just fucking glaring she knows her man fr

oh never mind the soft voice is crazy

uh ya i didnt want to make assumptions until now but making inej's hallucation about kaz was Not it.

like in a way ik its about how she wants consent but its mainly so she can leave kaz at the end of the show kaz kaz kaz its always about kaz

this is why we needed the spinoff they couldve FIXED it

"erm they shouldnt have done it wrong in the first place" how righteous of you unfortunately im too emotionally attached to the characters so i wish they had another chance

ok bad choice aside her realizing its not real bc she knows kaz could never be like that or even try is kinda heartbreaking!! 🙂

oh hell no did she eat the fucking butterfly i thought it was the petal at first 🤡

"if you have no one left to fight for" and then cutting to inej aaaa

no the way his eyes softened and the way inej stroked his face w her thumb ... and then he realized

okay thank god cuz for a second i thought the crows were gonna js be dead the entire episode

hes the firebird what the fuck?? (sorry chat i havent finished r&r yet)

why does that kinda downplay malina like knowing that they're meant for each other cuz of destiny or some shit

then again they never had to fall in love just find each other they did the romance part on their own

where tf is kaz

oh what the fuck. this scene is so messed up (Talking abt the one where the darkling is holding baghra)

my laptop's screen time is almost up so i must pause unfortunately. i could watch on my phone but thats boring so

uhm so its been 3 days have i been stalling?? maybe 🙂 can you blame me??

is that old guy her husband?? uh

seeing kaz smile for more than a fleeting one second is so unnatural

oh my god oh my god is her whole speech about love not being a weakness gonna make kaz realize something

wow okay they did rush jesper's development with one hallucination

toyla is the #1 wesper shipper fr ‼️‼️💪🏽

"someday someone is going to sweep you of your feet so hard" haha nikolai

"me and my "slab or fur" will be far away, off the map, deep in love" uh babe i hate to tell you this..

not kaz shaking his head at wesper as if hes not the reason theyre together 💀

see here they go butchering inej's character again!!

like. in the books she realizes she needs to let go of kaz because she finds her purpose - hunting slavers. in this she just realizes it because of some fuckass hallucination which was about him Why Is It Always About Him

cant tell if im slightly relieved that they cancelled the spinoff because they might have ruined her more or more mad that they cancelled it because they couldve fixed it

i am eating the malina angst up 🗣️🗣️(not bc i dont like them i do like them thats why i need them to be sad. all my favorite ships need angst)

ooh he knows he knows abt mal

next episode except i have to sleep so im probably gonna watch like 2 minutes of it. but i'll try to finish this and the last one tmrw because the more i delay it the sadder i get about the cancellation though my brain wants me to believe otherwise

she (the tidemaker girl idk her name) looks so ready to punch him like yeah girl me too

help the grin on that one girls face when he says kill the king

ok 2 minutes r over so bye

and im back its only the next day also the deleted footage oh my god im on the floor?? plus the fact that it got "what business" trending on twitter with 33k tweets is so fucking funny to me

anyways.

bye i jumped when the darkling showed up in mal's room why do the smallest fucking things always scare me

oh ya theyre cousins. alina has a type huh

mal would kinda get along with inej i can feel it!!

wait whos the arm for also david is lwk smooth wow

they keep mentioning the crows but WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEY its been almost 20 minutes 😐

why that is the only tamar and nadia moment all season like not that i was expecting more from netflix but Still

oh thats the last line from the book (i havent finished r&r yet but i skipped to the end as i do with every book so. lol 💀)

omg matthias i kinda thought he wouldnt show up again

oh god i feel like this show has such a lighting problem sometimes

its bad enough that i have no idea whats going on in general

INEJ

INEJ I MISSED YOU

she gotta stop bowing down to alina she is as much of a saint

did they kill off david and genya wtf

i have to pause for a bit bc my laptop needs to charge also i still have no idea whats going on

back

no theyre (david and genya) alive yay 🙏🏽🙏🏽

what the fuck is he doing

oh OHH now theyre killing him off. how could they do that to genya

the other crows are here FINALLY

when ur entire onscreen developemnt is literally 5 minutes 😍😍👍🏽👍🏽

no i will not stop being salty about jesper. fuck you

"well if you dont die we dont get paid" shdjfk

zoya inej nina the friendship i needed

wow what a beautiful and touching moment. it feels anticlimatic but okay 🙂‼️😐👍🏽‼️💪🏽🤡🗣️🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️😭🙏🏽💪🏽🗣️

oh nvm. i keep forgetting this isnt the last episode

is that a giant CROW

lol of course it isnt

okay now its the last episode :')

"yes my man! oh we havent actually put a label on it" bye that is so jesper of him

oh. wow. she actually did it.

at least inej and zoya are being badass MY GIRLS ‼️‼️

"let me be your monster" stop being such a kaz ripoff please

FINALLY. his villain speech was taking too long

did she use merzost :(

tolya's random ass burst of poetry 💀💀

HE SEES HER

he literally cannot take his eyes off of her

I CANT. I CANT. THEY WANTED TO HUG SO BADLY YOU COULD SEE THE RELIEF IN THEIR EYES KAZ ALMOST SMILED

but she would never know what it was like for him to see nina pull her close watch jesper loop his arm through hers, what it was to stand in doorways and against walls AND KNOW HE COULD NEVER DRAW NEARER

im sick. theyre so sick for this and knowing we'll never get a chance to see them even hold hands. i cant 🙂

they way she moved towards him then moved back killing myself thnx

"five of cro-" bro predicted the ending of ck

not the malina angst too is this show trying to kill me?? i think it is

"i'll claw my way to one. if he'll let me" IM TELLING YOU!! TRYING TO KILL ME

HE LOOKED AT INEJ

SHES HIS HAPPILY EVER AFTER IM SO DONE IM GOING TO THROW MY LAPTOP ON THE FLOOR 😭😭😭😭😭😭

did they kill off david or not omg

i love how the crows just started walking away they were so eager to get out (except nina's lingering glance at zoya)

oh. oh hes going to be to be sturmhond

see hes so much like inej they both leave to the seas to find themselves outside of the person they love because they want a life for theselves and freedom

i reached the text limit imma make a new post

[fsd-a]

when i love someone, especially if we’re in a relationship, they’ll become my world. i remember it so well when i just moved from my old house to the new one, you called me and told me that you felt lonely since you cant go out and stuff. my heart broke when i heard that and think to myself that im such a useless gf if my partner is feeling lonely when theyre in a relationship w me. so i tried to see my friends less often and in the end i stopped hanging out w them. i just stayed in my house talking to you on the phone all day all night, having quality time as much as we could.

until you chose that you dont want it anymore. you started to say that im too clingy and you didnt get your ‘me time’. i was already so attached to you, but ofc, ill listen to you and i gave you some time alone. i started to having a a zoom meeting or group call w my friends but you got mad at me because you think i spent too much time w them and it made us have not enough quality time. the same thing happened when i played ml w my friends. im not a liar so i wont deny that sometimes i played too many times w them and forgot about the time.

but then you started to think that im always at home and you want me to go out. so i went out, it wasnt even just hanging out, like just chill and stuff, it was for my thesis. you got mad at me again because you didnt trust my guy friends. you forgot that i already hang out with them like that until late before i even met you. but i still chose you, so i tried to go home as soon as possible that night, but it was raining hard and i forgot to bring my key. you didnt want to know about that, all you care about was i go home right away. i really couldnt that night, i had to wait until morning so i can get in. you got mad, ghosted me, said you dont want to care and dont want to being in a relationship with me. i didnt even enjoy myself at ‘basecamp’ that night, all i could think about is you. did you even think about me? no, you slept. me? had to keep my eyes open even tho i was sleepy af so you wont get more mad.

anw the worst part of you being my world is when you decided that you dont want to talk to me at all. can you imagine that? you were the only thing i know. i tried to ask for help but then realized i dont have friends anymore. everyones busy w their life. they dont have time to casually hang out w me or listen to my rant. and you? i tried to ask for your ‘help’ too many times, but you always refuse to help. you dont even want to compromise. that was the most lonely ive ever felt in my life.

[hiauntyimissyou]

Hi Di Duoc, missing you extra much today. I'm feeling pretty down today, could be the lack of sleep. I got off my game at a decent time, watched a movie w Richard until 1:30 which is still pretty decent, then was on my phone until 3. i felt pretty hungry but decided to go to sleep instead. i usually am tired on mondays though so nothing out of the ordinary. i miss you though, listening to tay du ky soundtrack and just starting thinking about you heavy for whatever reason Mom is getting ready to head back, I miss her. I'm glad she has been with family during this tough time. she needs it. I told them I will be back in 2 years , i am nervous but i must. :( I have been gone for so long, i left for so long you couldn;t wait for me. it's been 17 years and another 2 until i come back. that's like 20 years, it's like being exiled for 20 years. i left for so long you couldnt wait. i wish i wish i could change things, i wish i could go back in time. i wish i did more. i wish i could have made better decisions, you needed me. i know you loved me. Mom said out of everyone you loved us the most, while that's nice to hear, i know you loved all of us equally bc i know you, you are so loving and you cared about all of us.you've always been good to all of us kids. i could never be half the woman you were. I'm a selfish piece of shit that cant stand kids and you had the biggest heart and loved all of us so equally, but you had to die at 60? how am i going to step off that plane and not see your face? things will never be the same I miss you with all of my heart, since you've left I've realized how important family is and i will go back to see them, while they are still here, i didnt do that soon enough and now you're gone. Idk why i imagined me and you sitting on the living room floor watching cars and people go by like we did before, and talking and hanging out, and in my imagination it was me older, and finally finding my calm and being with you. but that's what i get for thinking of "one day we will" "one day i will" i should have sooner instead of thinking you will still be there when i am ready. i now know how limited our time is, you have taught me that, the hard way. i still can't believe youre gone and i'll never see you again. i really thought relationship pain and passion was everything but this is kicking my ass like no other and lets me see how foolish and childish i have been, worried about these bums that don't care about me, planning a life w them and forgetting about everyone back home. putting these strangers first. it's these guys that have kept me away from my family. it's true, abusive relationships will take you away from the people who love you; thats what Aiden's dad did. he gave me a child and mentally abused me for years and i felt i always needed to be here and couldn't imagine for a second going back to VN and leaving my son in his care for even a month away. I have been so foolish. So i said, when he is 18, when I am free, I will come back and now he's almost 16, it was another 2 years but you couldn't wait for me. and I dont blame you, it may be another 2 years but in total is close to 19-20 years and I can see why you couldnt wait. I've made you wait too long, i'm so sorry. I love you and miss you so much.

[re-decorate]

.

[hoes4dylanobrien]

Mitch *again cuz I'm in love w him*, bodyguard, angst + fluff, New York, female in early twenties

OKK more than 500 but it is what it is

Love the bodyguard!mitch idea, ty so much anon!! hopefully u like

You tried not to look at him, but at some point during the gentle and at times violent rocking motions of the subway ride from uptown to lower Manhattan your gaze drifted over to his hulking figure. He stood a few seats down from you, leaned against the interior wall somewhat obscured by a group of teenagers laughing amongst themselves and trading phones. He pretended to find great interest in one of the ads printed across the opposite wall, giving you the perfect angle of his strong facial features, only softened by his sloping, slightly upturned nose, and wispy dark locks. His almond-shaped brown eyes shifted to you just as you turned away, but you knew he had caught you staring.

"You don't have to follow me every step of the way, you know," you said after you two had gotten off at Canal street, headed to Chinatown. He'd been a few steps behind you, but you halted suddenly, letting him catch up. His jaw tensed. "You think I enjoy being a glorified babysitter? Newsflash, I don't. But the pay is good. If I knew I'd be dealing with such a spoiled princess I would've thought twice."

"Then go," you blurted angrily, mostly out of hurt. "Give me a few hours to myself, I promise not to tell Daddy. You'll still earn your money and we'll both get a much needed break. How about that?"

He opened and shut his mouth, swallowing any initial objection. He looked to be considering your offer. "Fine," he muttered. "I'll be waiting back at Spring stre-"

"No need. I can find my way back home, thanks," you snapped. And with that, you turned on your heel, focusing more on getting away than on where you were going; all the while, feeling a burning gaze on your retreating back.

Not even fifteen minutes later you were starting to regret your decision. You'd planned to go to a restaurant recommended to you by a friend, and after that, your favorite hidden gem of a bookstore. Unfortunately, your phone had died, and you didn't remember the way. It also didnt help that you were, admittedly, directionally challenged. And usually, Mitch remembered where to go for the two of you, so you hadn't ever bothered to memorize the directions (you would never admit he was right, though.) After getting turned around enough times, you realized you were far beyond the main road and didn't recognize where you were in the slightest, or how to get back. It had also, in great cosmic justice, began to rain hard.

“Great, just great!”

As you began to give up hope, a car idled at a slow pace behind you. At first you ignored it, but when it became clear it was following you, you started to get nervous and walk at a faster pace. 

The driver’s window lowered. “Y/n, get in the car,” a familiar low tone ordered. You stilled, but continued walking. 

“Come on, y/n, don’t be stupid,” Mitch growled, impatient. “It’s freezing and I know you dont know where the hell you’re going. Just do us both a favor and get in the damn car!” 

“No!” You yelled, feeling a sudden burst of anger returning even as a slight chill wracked your body. 

“Why the hell not?” 

“Because. I’m a spoiled princess, remember? I don’t listen.” 

“Y/n,” he paused, and you knew without looking back that he was gazing upward as if channeling patience from a higher power, as he often did around you. “I’m sorry OK? I shouldn’t have said those things to you. You don’t deserve it.” 

You slowed your pace, eventually stopping. “Then why’d you say it?”

“You know why, y/n. I get in moods and sometimes... sometimes take it out on other people.” 

“So I’m not spoiled and annoying?” 

He let out a dry laugh. “No, you’re not. Well, not most of the time, anyway,” he teased, making you turn to him with a raised brow. 

“Everyone’s a little annoying, including me. I’m usually worse.” 

“No, you’re not. You’re fun to be around, most of the time,” you teased back. “You make me laugh and you’re actually honest with me,” you said seriously, “I’ve never had that in a friend before.” It was true. Most of your friends were either superficial or after your parents money. 

Mitch watched you with an undecipherable expression on his face. “Get in the car, y/n,” he repeated, still in an authoritative tone but softer. “Please?” 

You did as he asked this time, sitting up front instead of in the backseat as you normally would have. He pulled onto the road. “Where are we going?” You asked as you saw the sign and its accompanying exit for ‘uptown’ pass by. “Thought we’d try that new place,” Mitch replied, citing the one you endeavored to go to earlier. “And then to the bookstore,” you added in question. 

He answered with a rare smile.  

[pr0dbeomgyu]

*＊✿❀LINE 19: MEAN IT❀✿＊*

y/n's on the couch, looking for some good shows to watch on netflix, but stopped immediately as she eagerly checked her phone when she heard a ping, squealing when she figured out that prodsputnik had released a cover. she was too eager that she didn't even notice who prodsputnik had a duet with, too eager that she didn't realise she's gonna end up hurting.

"to the girl i like, you dont even know who i really am but this is for you,"

y/n smiled at prodsputnik's words, finding him so romantic and endearing.

damn she's so lucky, whoever she is.

little did she know, the song was directed to her, and her only.

"to a special someone, you know who you are, i'm sorry i fucked up, but i miss you,"

her jaw clenched the moment she heard the voice, too familiar to her liking.

choi yeonjun.

without her realising, tears came rolling down her cheeks as a wave of memory she had tried so hard to bury in the back of her mind came back, washing over her.

why now? after a year of patching up her wound all by herself, why now?

*＊✿❀❀✿＊*

I do the same thing I told you that I never would,

I told you I'd change, even when I knew I never could,

Know that I can't find nobody else as good as you,

I need you to stay, need you to stay, hey,

I get drunk, wake up, I'm wasted still,

I realize the time that I wasted here,

I feel like you can't feel the way I feel,

Oh, I'll be fucked up if you can't be right here,

*＊✿❀❀✿＊*

the song had ended, but the pain didnt. she felt suffocated, her chest heavy.

"y/n, i have something to tell you," y/n jumped a little at the sudden sound. it was taehyun, who had just returned home.

wiping away the tears with her sleeves as fast as she could, she croaked a reply.

"yeah?"

taehyun's intention of telling her he's prodsputnik went out of the window, as he felt something tugged at his heart when he realised y/n, the girl he adores, was actually crying, her puffy eyes and red nose gave it away.

"nevermind, are you okay?" he went to sit beside her slowly.

"of course," she sniffled.

"no, you're not. you know, you can tell me anything if you want,"

"no i dont know, and even if i did, why would i even want to do that,"

"i dont know, i was told i'm a good listener,"

"yeah, by who?"

"beomgyu,"

y/n chuckled, her face cracked into a small smile. "a dumbass like him doesn't count,"

taehyun felt butterflies erupted in his stomach at the sight, as he returned the smile. "fine, but really if you wanna tell me anything, im all ears, but if you dont want to, it's okay too"

she kept silent for a moment, weighing her options. "well my ex suddenly contacted me after a year of ghosting me," despite her smiling, tears kept on running down her face.

"what a jerk," there's something about the idea of someone hurting y/n that doesn't sit well with him.

"exactly, he's the reason i act so hostile to every guy i met. i felt so horrible, like i was so unloveable that everyone will eventually get tired of me and leave me someday," her fingers ran through her hair in frustration.

taehyun was fast to catch her hand before bringing it to his lap, drawing circles at the back of it with his thumb, in an attempt to comfort her and to her own surprise, it did. her sobs had toned down, her chest feeling less heavy. it's easier to breathe now.

"if it helps, i think you're amazing. i really hope you can see that. and no, i dont find you unloveable, at all," he stated firmly, as y/n kept quiet, a bit shocked with his words.

the next sentence was definitely unplanned, it just slipped out of taehyun's mouth out of rage.

"heck, im actually in love with you,"

"w-what," she stuttered. to say y/n was shocked is an understatement.

"oh, would you look at the time, it's time for me to feed my pet," he left in a hurry, cursing himself for speaking impulsively and even worse, coming up with a nonsensical excuse.

"oh come on, you don't even have a pet,"

NEXT | MASTERLIST

TAGLIST :

@gyuuss @btxtreads @terrytaehyunnies @miraculyfe @yoonkeehoe @derinxfam @snowfalltxt @taehyunsfel @letmeal0ne @cosmiclele @cerisetalks @meowtella @shrutiajit @msxflower @lomlyeonjun @lokideadontheinside @arminandjeanandannieandhange @nycol-ie @00-baejin-05 @summery-bat @txtville @wkhdery @stray-bi-kids @mintbgyu @she-is-dreaming @junniesavidreader @sunflowerbebe07 @simpforscoups @multi4lifer @beomjundiaries @whoe-dis @ahnneyong @kac-chowsballs @bucket05 @iyeonjuni @beomsun @day6andetcetera @beomgyuanti @wh4txium1n @carolnina55 @youreverydayzebra @nshitae @milkycloudtyg @soobsdior @roseless1213 @sulkii @pinkheadflowers @multiwendi @mygwarai @envy-brr @pikapikapikaachuu @ttaeycngg @rlajjunie @chillfilms

SYNOPSIS :

if there's anything y/n's good at, it's differentiating her feelings between love or hate. it's so distinct, she really doesn't get it when people say they have mixed feelings about something, cause to her, love is LOVE and hate is, well... HATE. LOVE is like her feelings for prodsputnik, an anonymous soundcloud artist she adores which she may or may not have a stan account for. HATE is like her feelings towards her roommate, kang taehyun. she even claimed that researchers are bullshitting when they say there's a thin line between hate and love. but what if y/n figures out that prodsputnik and kang taehyun is the same person? will the line between love and hate stay thick and clear as fuck (y/n's words) to y/n or will it get blurry?

[dailyxambi]

ONE OF MY LOA SUCCESS STORY

warning: a little crazyyy and funny ft. jungkook from bts ( clickbait?)

this is also when i was learning about law of attraction before law of assumption

back in high school, i got a free reading done and the reader recommended me to script traits i wanted in a significant other. this will then manifest into the 3D so they said. being a kid who was barely starting to get into law of attraction/ manifesting, i decided to script just for the fun of it. whether it happens or not, it really wouldnt affect me.

guess who i based my scripting on? MF JUNGKOOK FROM BTS! okayyy i wasnt delusional enough to say i wanted to marry /date this man. should of could of. i just scripted that he was probably the closest to my ideal type and it would be nice to have someone similar to him especially since i look up to him sm as an artist. he’s also just a very good looking man .ofc i wrote down other things i wanted in a significant other and my DUMBASS decided to script down some bad traits as well. this was so that if the script did manifest into the 3D, i would know. note: i wrote it january of that year and totally forgot about it due to that fact that i didnt care if it happened or not. i do remember consciously joking around/ intuitively thinking “watch it really happens irl” after i finished scripting. totally detached myself from it. fast forward to march, i ended up meeting this guy online and we hit it off pretty well. he was from across the country so we would facetime a lot and bond through the phone. a week after talking w him the journal i scripted in popped out of nowhere making me realize HOW HE WAS EXACTLY WHAT I WROTE DOWN🫣did he look like jungkook? FAT NO but he was not just a virgo but a september virgo, korean, same initials j.j, musically inclined, tall, great fashion senses, he even had all the bad traits i stated in the journal. you’re probably wondering “ great, when is the wedding?” you got the person you wanted. you go girl☺️!

you see… sometimes the universe gives you what you WANT to show you it’s not what you NEED. i got to meet the man of my “dream” and he wasnt at all what i thought i wanted in a significant other? who knows maybe my self doubts was lying, telling me i’m not ready to receive what i want but in my guts, i just knew he wasnt the one for me. in a way, it felt like the universe was proving itself, “ loa is real. make sure you really knows what you want.” i literally told him i manifesting him and dipped the next week or so🙈 he was like, “ okay, what do i do with this info? ” LMAOOO like idk i just wanted to inform you goodbye😂 being for real now, but i told him i didnt want to continue whatever we were starting because i couldn’t seeing myself liking him in the long run. he also lived really far + the bad traits were showing💀🚩 anyways he has a gf now and is living his life.

HOW HAS THIS EXPERIENCE CONTINUE TO MANIFEST ITSELF IN MY LIFE?

im pretty sure a lot of you guys have heard of karmic people/ karmic relationships -> people who come into your life to teach you lessons. it’s really hard for me to be attracted to somebody and whenever i am, their name starts w a j and they’re a virgo💀 . i have a great guy friend ( j name ) who i had no romantic feelings for. there was one night where he was being really sweet and i thought to myself that he wouldnt make a bad boyfriend. hypothesis if i had feelings for him, he’d be a great boyfriend. a couple days later, i found out that he was a virgo. possibly a coincidence, i cannot avoid every j name, virgo man. in another scenario, i decided to shoot my shot w a stranger at the library and it was my absolute first time asking for someone’s number. ofc his name started w j. i went back to my dorm that night and told my roommate “ i GUARANTEE you he is a virgo” . just confirmed today, he is a virgo🤭 everytime it happened, i would get a flashback to the script and an inner voice telling me “ nope, that’s not the one”. could be my assumption that i wouldnt end up w virgo man that keeps manifesting but certain things doesnt need explanation. you just intuitively know. i also no longer believe in coincidences. if you made it this far ily xx maybe follow and stick around for when i tell you about the time i manifested scoliosis✌🏻✨

brb on my way to manifest THE JEON JUNGKOOK🏃‍♀️

love, amber xx

[tastyykpop]

jeno extra filthy degradation please 😭

ᴍᴀᴋᴇ ᴍᴇ

Pairings: jeno x reader

Genre: smut

Warnings: dom/sub themes, degradation, brat!reader, brat tamer!jeno, spanking, fingering, eating out, overstimulation

you were annoying

that was as simple as jeno could make it. he found you absolutely insufferable. and the countless of times you've opened your mouth to make a stupid comment was like nails on a chalkboard.

sure you were pretty and kind to others but not very much to him. you were rude, cocky, and persistent, it was your way of getting his attention. and to say it worked was an understatement, you were on jenos mind 24/7. no matter where, when, or who he was with, he could only think about you. of course, you were the same, but that's because you've had a crush on him since trainee days and almost everyone in SM knew.

jeno knew.

since you worked at SM as a stylist, it was easy to get closer to jeno and work your magic everyday. you were blatant with every touch, every shameless sentence that entailed more then it should, he couldn't quite ignore it either or tell you to shut up. seriously, it doesn't work.

you're a brat, he would say to himself, nothing more than a brat that doesn't know her place.

which in this case, he was correct.

but to him, your behavior was easy to change. he's noticed how you've drawn blanks when he interrogates you on your behavior, how you downplay your wrongs to see him try and hold back his longing to make you submit. it was a game to you clearly, but jeno wanted to beat it.

so how did you end up under jeno so soon in the practice room?

well, the group had been preparing for a dance practice video and you and a few other stylists were called in to help get them prepare for the camera. jeno was trying his best to stay low and out of your sight. it didn't work, but it was worth a shot.

"happy to see me?"

jenos eyes rolled, "I'd be happy if I saw death staring at me in the eyes." he began walking away until you grabbed his arm, making him put his hands over his face.

"dont be like that." you push his hands away now seeing jenos annoyed face. "be lucky you're not stuck with someone else. at least I make your life more interesting.

"interesting or frustrating? I think you've got your words mixed up."

you began applying a light foundation on jenos skin, taking in his angelic features before realizing what he said, "impactful I must say. I know you love me, jeno."

jeno makes a face in disgust pushing your hand away from his face, "youre not my type."

"I dont know. chenle told me otherwise...."

"youre a brat."

"and you're close-minded."

"close- you-"

"done. now go dance and make some fangirls or boys scream." you don't bother turning around as you walk towards the back of the dance practice out of the cameras view.

jeno, somewhat red in the face, stood in his starting position for the choreography, you couldnt help but stare at him in awe. hes gorgeous, you can't lie about that. and the way he moved once the music started playing made you feel different. maybe it was your crush on him, but you heated up very quickly while watching him. other staff members weren't paying as close attention on the boys as you were, only their phones caught their mind. you didn't mind, but damn did they not see how hot jeno was when dancing?

sweaty and out of breath, the boys took a break to get a drink of water.

"you did well- you all did actually." handing jeno a bottle of water, he stared between the thing in your hand and you before taking it and chugging the whole bottle. "but I think mark was the one who stood out to me the most."

"what?"

"mhm. mark was very fluid in his footsteps and his movements were clean and precise. a good dancer I must say."

there's something up. you were staring at him the whole time and he knew it, he danced harder just because you were watching. how could you have seen mark when all you did was stare at jeno?

"and hes cute too. surely he's got a bunch of girls and boys ready to throw themselves at him. I would too, he's absolutely perfect."

jeno balled his fist. what game are you trying to play? "you're testing me." he may not like you, or maybe he did, but something about you talking about someone else like that sparked jealousy in him.

"good. maybe you'll do something about it." you put a hand on his chest, jenos heart pounding fast as you came closer and whispered, "I bet you won't. all bark no bite. pathetic if you ask me."

"youre gonna regret your words if you keep speaking."

"oh really," you leaned back, his eyes pierced your curious ones with a sense of fury and annoyance, "and what are you gonna do? spank me?"

just like that jeno pulled you out of the room and into another practice room. he pulled a chair out from the corner and pulled you over his knee.

"jeno, I was just kid-"

he spanked you hard over and over and over again as you wailed and wrapped a tight hand around jenos ankle for support. each spank was painful and to the point unbearable, yet jeno didn't back down. not after he felt he could break you now.

each time his hand made contact with your ass, felt like he was letting loose all the pent up anger you caused him over the past months you've been working here. for him, it was hell. no matter what people would say to you about him did not dictate his feelings about you. right now, he hated you and needed to let that burning passion out by spanking you. jeno wanted you to feel the hell he endured when around you. sure enough, you were feeling it, crying and sobbing on his thigh like an idiot.

you didn't fight back even though you proposed that you hated it. your body seemed to like it more then you thought.

"youre a pest!" he landed another hard hit, "an annoying pest who needs to learn when to shut the fuck up. now apologize."

"no!" you winced at another hit, squirming- no more like trying to grind on his lap because of how painfully wet you've become in just minutes.

"apologize." he repeated.

"you're- you're an idiot if you think I'll give up!"

jeno stripped you of your pants and panties, "its cute listening to little sluts like you thinking they have power over someone much stronger then them. it must be tiring thinking youre charge." he taunted before spanking you again, this time the impact was far greater and almost caused you to scream before jeno clasped a hand over your mouth. with the same hand, he pushed you off his lap and on the floor, leaving your lower half bare for him to see.

you were a pretty sight, a mess to say the least, but jeno loved that. finally seeing you disheveled with tears leaking down your cheeks, he thought of you as his little crybaby. he tried his hardest not to take a picture.

"don't think I didnt notice how your wet cunt leaked all over my thigh" he began, "do you really get off to being put in your place, slut? is that why we're here right now?"

"d-dont be so full of y-yourself."

"oh? but your dripping all over the practice floor, how could i not." jenos lips were close to your heat, teasing you with his eyes and tongue as he glided it just above where you wanted him.

you had nothing to say, yet your eyes told him everything. told him just how you'd defy him any chance youd get only to make him more upset. it wouldn't be fun if your goal wasn't to piss him off.

jeno kept his tongue away from your most needed area, his lips kissing anything but your dripping heat as you bucked your hips into his face. jenos hands would push your hips down and back his face away frowning at your behavior and returning to what he was previously doing. you weren't done though, since he was holding your hips, you grabbed his hair and forced his head where you needed him. his tongue inside you was far from good, it was amazing. and though you realized jeno wasn't pushing your hand away, you pushed and pulled his hair as you kept his head in place so he couldn't stop.

the long strides and the smooth rhythm he had was enough to make you arch against the floor, gasping and calling out his name far to loudly for his liking. but with watchful eyes and a steady tongue, he shamelessly enjoyed it yet he had to be aware of the people in the building. one loud moan and someone would sure walk in to see what's up.

so jeno swatted your hand away from his head and lifted up with a frown. he liked the frightened look on your face as he leaned closer and closer, "if you're this much of a slut for people to hear us, we might as well have just stayed where everyone else was."

"thats hot." you stated blankly, jenos eyebrow raised before realizing how far gone you practically were, with how big and dilated your eyes are. "w-wait no! I'll stay quiet I promise."

"No you wont." jeno got up and grabbed your underwear that layed on the floor, then shoved it in your mouth allowing you to taste yourself. "stay quiet, fucktoy."

"fucktoy?- oh fuck!" you mumbled into your panties as his fingers protruded inside you. at least you were quieter this time.

"tell me when youre about to cum." he said just above a whisper as he watched you slip further and further into bliss. the way your eyes rolled to the back of your head with each skillful thrust from jenos fingers made his cock grow harder each second. you were so hot, so damn beautiful as you moaned into the panties like a little bitch. jeno loved it too much to say he hated you.

"feels good- f-feels so good, j-jeno." you said quietly into the panties. it was getting harder and harder for you to keep silent as he began rubbing your clit like a desperate man, hungry for your cum. but you did your best keeping low.

you grinded against on his hand, inching closer and closer to what you believed to be your orgasm. clentching tightly around jenos fingers you gasped and spat your panties out, "jeno! i-im gonna-

"cum, fucktoy." he insisted, never removing his fingers from your wet hole as a white substance spilled out. he kept going, in and out, in and out as you clamped a hand over your mouth. so much sensitivity and his fingers were still going.

"stop i-i can't take it!" you found his wrist and tightly held it as you attempted to pull him out.

"youre gonna take this like a good bitch until I want to stop." he said right as your second orgasm washed through you.

too much. you could barely think straight and even tried pulling your hips back but his fingers followed.

too sensitive. you could barely breathe because of the overwhelming sensitivity. yet in a twisted way, it felt good in a strange way. maybe it was the pain of cumming over and over or how jeno worked his fingers. either way, you could feel another one building up.

"please, please, please." you cried hoping for the end, but there was no way jeno was stopping.

"apologize and this will be your last one." He stuck his fingers deeper, if that were possible, and watched you squirm trying to find words to say, but all that came out was drool. "disgusting whore." you slapped him in the face for that.

"I-i am not sor-sorry!"

"im not playing these games anymore. say you're sorry."

jeno growled, deeper and deeper he went and faster and faster he goes before your third orgasm of the day came. your legs shook and your grip got tighter but still to no avail did he stop.

you were very persistent on making jeno angry before, but now you seemed to have started rethinking that apology. "im sorry."

"for?"

"for being rude to you!" you legs shook again and that feeling in your stomach was back, "i-im sorry jeno, but p-please I can't take it!"

he did it. he broke you. and with that he finally pulled his fingers away letting all your cum out.

you cried softly, still a shaking mess from the orgasms and jeno, well he didn't care all too much but he knew he probably shouldn't be too harsh with you about now. so he gently took you in his arms, sitting your bare bottom right on his lap as he rocked you slowly.

"im never leaving after this." you say slowly, "and I know you don't hate me either, I can feel your boner against my ass."

jeno pinches your arm and shushes you. god, you were a pest and maybe youre right. maybe he doesn't hate you like he proclaimed he did. maybe he did enjoy this session in the practice room, but he won't ever say it. not because he's afraid to admit it, but because he doesn't want you to rub it in his face.

[kageyuji]

ᴀʟʀᴇᴀᴅʏ ᴛᴀᴋᴇɴ

also known as “they find someone flirting with you”

-> warnings; jealousy

-> includes; tsukishima, bokuto, iwaizumi, tanaka, kyotani, and suna

a/n; thinkin bout. whenever terushima flirted w kiyoko <//3 also uhh iwa feels slightly ooc but we ignore that

𝗧𝗦𝗨𝗞𝗜𝗦𝗛𝗜𝗠𝗔 —

tsukishima had been wondering where you’d wandered off to

you were supposed to be going to use the restroom, but you’d been gone for an awfully long time

with a huff of slight annoyance, he followed down the hall of where he had last seen you walking

in front of you stood some guy he didn’t recognize, and with the way you were looking tsukki didn’t think you knew him either

he’s lowkey so frustrated about it but on the outside he’s like 😐 BAJSCNCNF

“excuse me,” tsukishima said, voice low and slightly hostile as always, “did you get lost or something, y/n?”

he seemed to ignore the guy altogether at first, then offered him a look of disgust

DEADASS LOOKS AT HIM LIKE 🤨

the guy clears his throat, waiting for tsukishima to notice that you were talking to someone (much time your dismay, but it’s not as though the guy saw that)

he still doesn’t say anything lmao, he just talks to you like the guy isn’t even there

the guy is like 😟 BAISJDJCNC

eventually he gets the hint and leaves, tsukki is snickering once he finally does so

“took him long enough”

𝗕𝗢𝗞𝗨𝗧𝗢 —

he was having so much fun!! school was making it hard for you to have free time to come to his games, so he was loving the fact that you were there

as soon as the game was over — he and his team won, of course — he ran over to you to give you a hug.

there was a crowd of people around, so he knew it would have been rather hard to find you through all of them, but when it was harder than expected he started to get worried

and then he sees you off in a corner with some guy standing next to you

at first his heart stops, a sick feeling sitting in the pit of his stomach, and then he sees the uncomfortable look on your face

the discouraged feeling still sat in his chest, but not as heavily

he walks over and starts asking who the guys, introducing himself as your boyfriend

he has a smile on his face, one eyebrow up in a way that looks playfully challenging

(it is in no way playful)

he’s got just a little murder behind his eyes 🙂

a laugh erupts from him at the look on the guys face - he’s a little mortified once he recognized where he knew Bokuto from

the guy starts stumbling over his words and rubbing nervously at the back of his neck; Bokuto is a sweet guy, but he can look scary if he really wants to, especially to someone he doesn’t know

the guy mutters an excuse and leaves quickly, leaving you and Bokuto by yourselves

“thanks,” You laugh, a little amused by what just happened

“don’t mention it, munchkin!” His voice was rather bubbly and his laugh was more sincere as compared to the last time

𝗜𝗪𝗔𝗜𝗭𝗨𝗠𝗜 —

oikawa flirts with you all the time in a joking manner just because he wants to piss off iwaizumi

but that doesn’t mean it ever actually works SHEUXHCN

so needless to say you were a little confused when your boyfriend was looking more than a little worked up over the guy talking to you

why the guy couldn’t see your boyfriend was right next to you, you didnt know why

how it really is: 🧍🧍‍♂️

what the guy saw: 🧍

iwa’s arms were crossed and his jaw was set, the way his eyebrows were pinned gave off the frustrated energy to everyone in the room

he was trying to be calm, of course

he grabbed your hand and started rubbing his thumb up and down the side of your hand

“Babe, don’t you think we should get going?” he asked

you gave the guy another awkward smile, waving for him to leave

“ah wait, can i get your number please?”

😐😐😐😐😐 i know he did not just- with iwa right there i’m-

“no.” iwa answers for you, quickly

he’s quiet for while after the guy leaves, he doesn’t bring it up, but you do notice that he doesn’t let go of your hand

𝗧𝗔𝗡𝗔𝗞𝗔 —

BSJSHFJFN HES GOING ABSOLUTELY BATSHIT

he knows how long is too long, it’s not that he was watching the clock

(he may have been checking his phone constantly, yes, but that was totally not to see the time, totally)

but he was aware that you’d been gone an awfully long time and a pit of worry started to grow in his stomach

he walked through the halls, trying to find where you went

he found you next to some guy, the guy who seemed to be rather flirtatious compared to the guarded expression you were wearing

“hey! asshole!” tanaka growled, stepping between you and the other guy, “they’re taken, so step off why dontcha?”

the guy is???? very confused and shocked at first???

but he doesn’t try to say anything back to that, tanaka’s already aggressive energy was enough to shut him up LMAOANHBCNFFN

“ok, uhm. i’m just gonna go haha,,,”

tanaka is like 😾😾

and then quickly shifts into being soft and asking if you’re okay

“yeah, i’m fine, thank you”

“of course, doll! if you ever need me, just call~” sigh, he thinks he’s superman, but just let him believe ok <///3

𝗞𝗬𝗢𝗧𝗔𝗡𝗜 —

he likes to stay close to you in public places; he doesn’t really know why, it just makes him feel more secure that way

so the second he saw you missing from his side, he was quick to go off looking for you

he found you with some other guy in front of you, and at first he was a little hurt, but then quickly realized what was happening

he walked over and sneered at the guy, who was half expecting Kyotani to start barking or something

“get yo fuckin dog bitch-“

“it don’t bite“

“yes it do-“

his fists are clenched so hard that his knuckles are turning white and the pissed-off expression he always wore was even more noticeable now

“back off,” he said simply, eyes staring holes into the other guy

you didn’t say anything, you just watched HAHWYSHDFN

the other guy raised his hands in defense, backing up and then quickly leaving you and kyotani alone

kyotani didn’t say anything, you didn’t expect him to, but he didn’t seem to complain as much whenever you grabbed his arm and held onto him for most of the day

𝗦𝗨𝗡𝗔 —

suna just. wow. wow wow wow. suna <3

alr uhm anyway

suna was just kind of letting you roam around while some of inarizaki’s fans were talking to him and the twins

but he leaves and just walks on over the second he sees the other guy flirting w you

deadass just slides on in with the same energy as the “good evening madame” vine

“who’s this 🥱”

he looks like he genuinely could not give a shit if this guy was royalty <///3

“oh, i’m-“

“mhm. i’m suna, i’m their boyfriend. 😐”

the guy could not even introduce himself before suna was acting like that <///3

he and the guy just. stare. they just stare at each other for a while. BAJSHXNC

eventually the guy is like “ALRIGHT WELL i’m gonna go, i have things to do 😅😅”

suna smirks, he doesnt say anything about it but he motions for you to follow him back to the twins

and he makes sure to keep an eye on you whenever you leave; he’s not doing it in an over controlling way, but in more of a “i want you to be alright” kind of way

he won’t admit it though

taglist in an rb; send an ask to be added

[hotch-stufff]

Hey it’s me again m, I have another request , I’d like Angst Prompt #10 "I'm on my way" with Gibbs. He answers the phone and is told something happened to the reader, and the reader is at the hospital and later on it leads to finding out the reader has Angst Prompt #55 Chronic illness. Please and thanks and you amazing at writing!!

Changes Nothing

gif by dwaynepride

Pairing: Gibbs x Reader

Warnings!: chronic illness, mentions of epilepsy, , mentions of seizures,, hospital, angst, pain, fluffy ending

Description: Gibbs rushes to the hospital when he finds out you were admitted. How will you tell him its because of an illness?

Author's Note: I don't have much experience with chronic illness, so if I messed something up. Just lmk. Hope you enjoy reading!!

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You had been having seizures since you were a kid. It took the doctors a year and half for them to realize it was epilepsy. It took another year to figure out the best medication to use for a 9 year old. You had been in hospitals a gazillion times by the time you were 11. Growing up with epilepsy was hard, you couldn't do very much as a kid.

But you learnd to live with your condition, as did most people. As you got older, the medications got better, and the seizures became rare occurrences. But they did still happen. You still visited hospitals at least a dozen times a year. But you never let it stop you from living your life, or being with someone else. The only thing was, you still hadn't told your current boyfriend about your condition.

You and Gibbs had been together for about a year before he heard about your first "episode". It had been a relatively normal day. You had left Gibbs house that morning, giving him a deep kiss on your way out the door to work. He had smacked your ass as you left, giving you a sly grin before you drove off.

He had gotten his coffee, gone to work, and did his paperwork, just like everyday. Only today was different.

He didn't get his usual morning text from you. Sure he had just seen you, but you always sent him an i love you text, or a have a good day text after getting to work. But you didn't today. That had been the first thing that set him off.

The second being you not showing up for lunch. He had called and called. But you hadn't answered. He was only growing more worried throughout the day.

He knew something was wrong when a call from an unknown number popped up on his phone.

"Agent Gibbs." Was his quick answer.

"Agent Gibbs, this is Doctor Harrold Green from St. Elizabeths hospital. I'm calling because Y/n Y/l/n is in the hospital, and your listed as her emergency contact." He didn't let the doctor explain. Hearing your name and hospital in the same sentence scared the hell out of him.

"I'm on my way." He got out quickly before hanging up, not waiting to listen to why you were in the hospital. He grabbed his coat and took off towards the stairs. He was too impatient to wait for the elevator. The team was shocked to see their boss leaving in such a hurry at only 2 in the afternoon, without a word.

Gibbs broke just about evey speeding law on his way to the hospital, barely parking the car before he was out and running towards the front doors. His eyes searched frantically for the front desk, sprinting to it immediately.

"I'm looking for Y/n Y/l/n." He was so out of breath. Panting in front of the woman as she searched the name on her computer.

"Room A23, down the hall to your left." He nodded in thanks and took off down the hall, nearly sprinting past the room he was in such a rush.

He opened your door, walking in to see you lying in a hospital gown, an IV hooked up to your arm.

"Jethro!" You exclaimed in surprise. You had completely forgotten you had recently changed your emergency contact.

"Y/n. Are ya okay? What happened?" He demanded, his voice raspy from being so breathless.

"Shit. This is not how I wanted to tell you." You looked almost ashamed, guilty even.

"Tell me what?" Gibbs asked hesitantly.

"I had a siezure today. Well more than one seizure, multiple seizures. They were bad to say the least, and I ended up passing out." You paused gaugung his reaction. "My coworker called 911, and they ran some tests. I uh... I have a condition. I have since I was little, I just didn-" he cutoff your ramble.

"A condition?" He asked. Why hadn't you told him?

"Yeah."

"W-whats wrong?" Here goes nothing.

"I have epilepsy." You saw his eyes widen slightly as he swallowed audibly. He didn't say anything. "I um, I didnt tell you because I didn't know how you would react. Most people don't want to be with people who have chronic illnesses. It's a huge burden to take on and I just didn't want to add that to your life, but I was selfish because I really love you and I thought telling you would make you leave and I ju-" he cut off your ramble once again, but this time with a kiss. A sweet innocent little kiss that meant the world to you. He broke away, but cupped your face softly.

"Sweetheart, I will always love you. No matter what. This changes nothing. I wish ya would've told me sooner, but I understand why ya didn't." Tears formed in your eyes. "Ya scared the hell outa me though." You let out a watery laugh

"I love you. You have no idea how much this means to me." He brought you in close, leaning his forehead against your own, interlocking your fingers.

"You are my everything, and nothing is going to change that." He kissed you again, just to prove his point. This kiss was sweeter than his usual pecks. It was more meaningful.

You gave him quite the scare, but he was so happy you were okay. And you were happy that he was accepting you for who you are. You had never had that before in a partner. You heart was soaring.

He took you home that night, holding you as close as possible, only letting go when he absolutely had to.

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Thanks for reading! Requests are still open, so ask away! I have a lot of requests to get through, so i am so sorry if it takes me a while to get to yours!!! If you would like an idea of what to request, here is my prompt list, and if you would like to read more of my work, here is my masterlist.