#didn't wanna color her bc it looked Painful

[defensivelee]

and the award for the best dressed six lives character goes tooo!!!

[shogvnate]

Wicked and white, love me in spite. bela dimitrescu x f! reader

bela dimitrescu oneshot

slightly angsty, wholesome, yearning.

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hi it's my first writing post pls treat me nicely :D, also feel free to send your requests! i write for the women (bc i'm sapphic) but if u wanna request the dudes it's alright too, just don't put too much hope on it being posted 😭

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━━ 🦇 ´ˎ˗

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Bela Dimitrescu never felt this way towards anyone.

As the oldest out of her sisters and the heiress to her family's winery business, she would take over a lot more of the dirty work than them, leaving barely any time behind to focus on herself.

She was always overworked, always pressured to be the best.

Her mother always tells her,

"Bela, you are your sisters' role model," Alcina blew smoke from her lips, unamused at the way she lost her composure over a little squabble with her younger sister, Cassandra.

"Yes, mother." Bela kept her head low, rubbing her upper arm slightly.

"Don't disappoint me."

Bela aimed to be the perfect daughter, the perfect heiress but still, she was never enough. She knew she wasn't. But when she saw you and how accepting you were, her walls melted like an ice sculpture by the dawn of spring.

She'd like to believe you were foolish for saving her, but deep down she knew it wasn't true. She was thankful. Thankful that despite the villagers' harsh words for saving a potential murderer of their wives and daughters, you stayed and nursed her back to health.

You were like an angel, much more than Mother Miranda would ever be, that's for sure.

As you watered your garden, she wondered to herself, could you look at her with that expression? A soft smile gracing your angelic features and eyes gleaming with nothing but love. No wonder your garden was filled to the brim with colorful flowers, even Bela can tell they were happy with you.

Could she also feel that?

Dubbed as a monster, mad, and even heartless; could someone like that feel love?

Or was it just wistful thinking?

A vampire and a human never end well anyway.

It's depressing, it's... mortifying how none of them got their happy ending; or at least as far as she's aware of.

She sighed, and when she did, you finally noticed her watching you by the wooden fences.

Molten honeyed eyes burned the sight of the way your face lit up into the depth of her mind. If you could look at her like that everyday, she's sure to become the happiest woman alive.

You approached her, still holding your watering can. She could feel her dead heart hammering against her chest for a few seconds before returning to its silence as she smirked at you. Her heart ached for you, a pain that she was so used to that she grew numb to it.

"How have you been, Bela?"

Your voice, god, your voice.

Bela can just melt into your arms right then and there, but she must stop herself. She wasn't like Cassandra who will keep anyone she's interested in near. She was the opposite, she didn't want you near, she didn't like how you made her feel this way, and yet she always found herself watching you.

Hopeless that she can never tell you how she felt without making herself feel vulnerable.

"I've been faring well." She replied, "How… How have you been?"

"I'm doing good now that you're here." You smiled.

The two of you soon fell into silence as you started to water your plants, now with her company.

It was agonizing, being by your side. Knowing full well that there are countless men and women in the village that can easily snatch you away from her. You were kind and gentle, anyone can find that charming. Heck, her sisters could even steal you away from her easily.

Cassandra was silver-tongued and shameless, she can lure anyone into her grasp as easily as she can murder them.

Daniela was unpredictable and wild, but she was loving, and she was everything Bela was not.

You noticed how she spaced out, reaching a hand out to wipe the dried blood from her lips. Your touch was gentle and it dragged her down to reality.

The reality where you told her that you'll wait for her to be sure of her feelings. You'll wait for however long it takes for her to say those three words. The reality where you belonged to her and she belonged to you despite no other promises being spoken.

She leaned into your touch, her yellow eyes refusing to look at you directly.

But she knew you understood. You understood her better than anyone, better than herself.

You guided her back to your porch where she laid her head on your lap as you sat down, her hood coming off to reveal her long, albeit a little tangled blonde locks.

You thread your fingers through it, detangling it and removing the dried blood clinging to the beautiful strands.

"Bad day?" You asked, closing your eyes.

"..." She shifted on your lap, confirming that she indeed had a bad day. You didn't ask anymore, you knew she didn't like sharing about things that bothered her and that was okay. She needed time and time you will give.

One of her flies landed on your hand, and you noticed it. You chuckled lightly as another desperately pulled your free hand towards Bela, likely her consciousness acting without her control.

You stopped threading your fingers through her locks and she had to stop herself physically from letting out a disappointed whine, you placed your hand on her waist instead and she froze.

"You can stay for however long you'd like, Bela."

You watched as she closed her eyes, another tender smile blooming across your lips, one with more affection than before. Her cold hand grabbed a hold of your warm one, squeezing it before her breathing slowed. Your fingers rubbed her knuckles silently, the contrast between your temperatures was like day and night, dead and alive; and yet you loved it.

You drifted into sleep along with her, perfectly comfortable and content now that she at least stayed and not ran off the second she showed you anything remotely close to physical touch.

Hours later you finally woke up, slowly opening your eyes and stretching your numb arms.

Your lap was absent from her cold body, but what you instead found was a stunning inflorescence of forget-me-not. Did she steal it from your garden? You chuckled.

The blues were easy on your eyes, and the meaning behind it in the flower language made you smile fondly.

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"Oh, Bela."

[multifandom-gabi]

hello!! i hope you’re doing well ☺️ i saw you were looking for xavier request and was thinking about pyrokinetic reader who accidentally burns xavier during their first kiss like on his arm or neck while grabbing him so they freak and avoid him till he confronts them and is like it’s whatever bc it’s worth it being with them and they find a way. maybe the end result is reader wearing oven mitts while being affectionate so they don’t accidentally burn him

love that burns - xavier thorpe

pairing: xavier thorpe x reader (anon didn't specifics gender, so the reader can be any gender! i will be using they/them pronouns and y/n!)

warnings: talks about pain/burns, friends to lovers, angst tbh, some kissing, like 1 curse word?

this is not edited

word count: 2.1K

summary: you catch feelings for xavier, but burn him with your powers when you kiss, causing you to avoid him to keep him safe.

═══ -ˋˏ *.·:·.⟐.·:·.* ˎˊ- ═══

When you first got your powers, you were five. Just what two parents want, a five year old that can not only control fire, but create it out of thin air. Your parents had a hard time helping you get the hang of things. Unlike you, they both controlled water. Your aunt was the only other one in the family who was pyrokinetic, but she had already passed away at the time your powers developed.

Immediately, your parents had to hire someone to train you, sort of like a tutor. You were catching the stove on fire just about every day, without even meaning to. If you felt any type of strong emotion, anger, fear, or even love, fire would come out of your hands. As a five your old, being emotionless is hard, nearly impossible.

As time went by, you got a hold of your powers. The fireplace wasn't exploding when you got angry, the stove wasn't igniting when you got excited, and your hands weren't lighting up whenever you cried. There was one aspect that you never seemed to be able to control, whenever you were in love. No, not the love to your parents or your friends, but to a lover. You couldn't even get near your first middle school crush without the fire alarm going off, it was embarrassing.

You and your parents had enough of the bullying you endured in a normie school, and the whispering that always seemed to linger behind you. They shipped you off sent you to Nevermore Academy.

You were the only pyrokinetic at Nevermore. It worried you, when you first arrived, but you were welcomed with open arms. Enid was your first best friend. She was always crazy energetic, and you loved that about her. It Enid lit things on fire every time she got excited, Nevermore would be nothing but ash. Ajax was also a great friend of yours. He was fascinated by your powers and begged you to use them to play pranks on people. You denied (most of the time) because you didn’t wanna get expelled.

Then there's Xavier. You first encountered Xavier when he was painting a mural at Nevermore. Enid and Ajax were showing you around. “Xavierrrr,” Ajax yelled across the quad in a sing-songy voice. “This is y/n, they just transferred here.” He said with a smile on his face. Xavier climbed down the ladder he was standing on and jumped off of the bottom step. When his feet hit the ground, he stumbled a little, causing the paintbrush in his hand to fly and hit you right in the chest, splattering paint all over your shirt, and then hitting the ground.

“Wow, I so am great at first impressions.” Xavier said, bending down to grab the paint brush, setting it on the latter behind him. “It’s no problem,” you said, looking down at the blue streaks on your cream colored shirt. “I don’t really like this shirt that much anyways.”

That was a lie, why would you wear a shirt you didn’t like to your first day at Nevermore?

Although you and Xavier started out weird, you two became inseparable. You say by him in most classes, you sat next to each other at the lunch table, you hung out in his art studio. He became the person you could tell just about anything.

In all honesty, you never really thought about him being more than just a friend. If you did, you quickly shoved those feelings away. It wasn’t until one day that you were sitting at a table on the quad with him. He was scribbling away on his sketch pad, but he had it hidden from you because he wanted it to be a surprise. “Oh come on just show me already!” You said, impatiently. Xavier looked at you and said nothing, he just smiled. He waved his hand in front of his sketchbook, still hiding it from you, until something started rising from it.

Then, it happen. Your hands started to burn, not light on fire, but they were hot enough to cause you to yelp and pull your hand from your face and shoot up from the table. You hid the palms of your hands from him. “What’s wrong?” Xavier questioned, standing up from the table as well. “I’ll be right back!” You said, turning from the table and sprinting away from the quad.

You ran up the stairs and took a left down the hallway. Your feet took you all the way to Enid’s room. You knew she was with Wednesday, a new transfer and her very new girlfriend, but you busted in the room without knocking, your eyes closed. “I am really sorry for busting in and I hope I wasn’t interrupted anything.” You said as fast as you could.

“You can open your eyes, Enid was just showing me how to cuddle. I am not sure how I feel about it yet.” Wednesday said, and you opened your eyes.

You had told your friends about your powers, all except the part you still to this day couldn’t control, the love aspect. You turned your palms around and showed Wednesday and Enid your reddened hands. “What happened?” questioned Enid, standing up from her bed. You then proceeded to tell her everything, how your hands have been burning and lighting on fire every time you had a crush, so you never even dated anyone. You hadn’t even had your first kiss because your powers scared you.

“Who were you with that caused you to be like this?” Wednesday questioned, but you went silent, looking down at your feet. Your cheeks turned red, not from an actual burn, but from blushing. “Xavier…” You whispered, and Enid started jumping up and down. “I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!” She said, her feet hitting the ground ever so loudly.

“Maybe you should tell him how you feel before this one combusts.” Wednesday said, pointing over to Enid who looked like she just won the lottery. “You have to Y/N, I am almost certain he feels the same way. Don’t ask me how I know.” She said, and you couldn’t help but feel giddy. You left Enid and Wednesday and ran towards the quad. You frowned when Xavier wasn’t there anymore, but you took off to his art shed, where you knew he’d be.

You knocked on the door, and it flung open super fast. Xavier, of course, was standing in the door way. “Can I come in?” You questioned, and he nodded. You stepped in his art studio, an oh so familiar place, and just like before, there were paintings scattered everywhere. There was one you hadn’t seen before sticking out from the rest.

It was you, with a flame coming from your hand, but not in a scary way, it was majestic. Xavier, almost embarrassed, tried to cover it up before you could get any closer. “Listen, Y/N, you weren’t really supposed to see that. I wanted it to give it to you when the time was right, when I could tell you how I really feel about you.” He said, the last few words trailing off into a whisper. “What we’re those last few words again?” You questioned, even though you knew exactly what he said.

Xavier shuffled his feet until he was standing right in front of you. You looked up at him, as he did tower over you a bit. “I want us to be more than friends and I’ve been terrified you don’t feel the same and it’s been—”

You cut Xavier off by giving him a small kiss on the lips. You quickly pulled away from him, unsure of how he would react. You looked him directly in the eyes, and he pulled you in for another kiss, wrapping his arms around your back. Your wrapped your arms around his neck, and before you could even think, your hands were on fire, burning Xavier’s neck. “Shit!” He yelled, causing you to stumble back from him.

You instantly began to panic. You didn’t even help him, or explain to him why you even burnt him, which you insanely regret. You pushed open to door to his art shed and ran. You ran as fast as your legs could take you, even though he was yelling your name. You stumbled into a tree, far enough from Xavier that he wouldn’t be able to catch up just yet if he was chasing after you. You leaned against the tree, sinking to the ground. Tears started rushing from your eyes.

You endured years of losing friends because of your powers, and because you were different. You could not let your powers hurt anyone else, even if it meant having to distance yourself from Xavier.

+++

For the next week, you were “sick” in your room from a terrible fever. That fever being you heating up your face with your hands, but no one had to know that. Enid, Wednesday, and Ajax had come to your door to drop anything from soup to notes from class off. Xavier hadn’t darkened your door one time, which made you think distancing yourself ruined your friendship even more.

You couldn’t stay in your room forever, but you sure didn’t wanna go outside and face Xavier. You felt horrible for what had happened, and you didn’t want to ruin Xavier’s life by burning him every time you touched. You stared at the ceiling, wishing there was something you could do.

Suddenly, your door busts open, and you froze. You sat up from your bed and your eyes met Xavier standing in your doorway. On the back of his neck is a big bandage, and your heart sank.

“Uhhh I’m sick Xavier, you shouldn’t be in here!” You said with panic in your voice, giving a few fake coughs in between your words. He rolled his eyes and marched towards your bed. He sat an array of objects beside you, and took a seat on your bed. “Do you want to explain what going on or should I since you seem to forget sometimes that I have visions?” He questioned.

You cheeks flushed with embarrassment. “So when I was younger, I used to catch things on fire and fire would come out of my hands for every little thing. Most of the time it would happen when I had extreme emotions of anger, sadness, excitement. I got the hang of controlling them all, every one of them except for love.” You said, letting your voice get quiet at the end.

Xavier turned towards you so that his whole body was facing you on the bed. “Y/N, I don’t want to just be your friend anymore. I want to go on dates with you, I want to hold your hand and kiss you in public, I wanna be able to paint and draw a million pictures of you with you knowing. I want you to be mine. I don’t care about the fire or getting burnt, because that is apart of you.” He said, and you kinda wanted to tear up.

He leaned forward to kiss you, but you hesitantly pulled away. “I don’t know how to stop it from happening.” You said, looking down at your hands.

That is when Xavier smiled and picked up all of the things he had brought in. They consisted of oven mitts, winter gloves, and leather gloves. You looked at him and giggled, but he was serious about you putting them on. He slipped the oven mitts onto your hands and then placed them on the back of his neck.

You leaned in and kissed him, a little harder then the first time you two had kissed. This was a different type of burn, there was passion between the two of you. His lips were soft, and you loved the feeling of them against yours. Xavier smiled into the kiss and you laughed when the two of you pulled away at the sight of oven mitts around his neck.

“So you’ve been having dreams about me?” You questioned. He pushed his hair out of his face and looked at you shyly. “Well yes, but not about this, I kind of lied about that to get you to talk. Enid spilled the details to me about the whole ‘hands catch on fire when you’re in love’ thing.” You let your forehead hit his shoulder. Of course Enid told him.

“Can we please go be way too affectionate in public now?” You asked, and the two of you were off.

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A/N: i am SO happy to be writing again! i am a little rusty so it’s taking me a bit to get through my requests, but plz keep them coming!! i love bringing your ideas to life

[gremlintheslut]

Forever theirs

Chapter 9 very own room

Master list

Warnings: fluff but still dead dove do not eat bc kidnapping and implied smut

(enjoy the fluff there's gonna be smut after that and an incredible amount of violence after that(for several chapters!))

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I wake up to Dom shaking me. "time to wake up" he says, softly. I roll onto my back and wipe the sleep from my eyes. "morning daddy" I smile at him. "good morning sweetie" he responds smiling at me flashing me his fangs of which i was slightly shocked to see. I mean he was just as pale as rhea but i didn't think he was a vampire.

"come on, we got some stuff planned after breakfast," he says picking me up. "fun stuff?" I ask. "I think so" he responds as we walk out of the bedroom towards the stairs. "okay," I say excitedly as we head down to breakfast.

"do you think you could sit in the high chair today?" he asks my face reddens and I look down. I wriggle against him to put pressure on my pussy. I don't feel any pain when I do so I nod my head. He walks over to my high chair and puts me in it. A plate of toast is already waiting for me. Thanks to the fact utensils aren't needed for toast I can eat by myself.

I happily munch on my toast swinging my legs back and forth. "did Dom tell you what the surprise was?" Rhea asks not knowing if Dom can keep a secret. I shake my head and finish chewing and swallowing the last of my food. "he said that there was stuff planned after breakfast" I say.

"you wanna see your surprise?" Rhea asks and I nod my head excitedly. She gets up from her seat so she can free me from mine. The second high chair that I'm now noticing is quite a bit bigger than mine, is still next to mine. I stare at it wondering what it could possibly be used for. Maybe it was a backup in case I didn't fit in mine. But why is it still there?

Rhea picks me up and as we walk away I'm forced to stop staring as I can't turn my head enough. Finn, Dom, and Damian follow us up the stairs and down the hall. Rhea stops in front of a door I've never been behind. She puts me down and gestures for me to open it. I put my hand on the door handle and look at her to make sure this is what she wants. She gives me an encouraging look and I open the door.

"Woah," I say as I stare at a perfectly done nursery. I step into the room to admire it closer. There's a crib big enough to fit 2 of me pressed against the far wall. There is a toy box which I'm sure is full due to the teddy bear legs sticking out of it. There is a small pink closet. I hope there's cute clothes in there because I've been in one of my daddies hoodies and mommy's sweatpants since day one. There are soft colorful baby-proof mats covering the floor.

"do you like it?" Rhea asks. "I love it" I say as I continue to stare at the beauty of my new room. Rhea leaves her spot in the doorway with the others and comes into the room. She walks over to my closet and opens it. It's filled with cute dresses and other clothes. "wanna get changed?" she asks and I nod my head.

"come here," she says and I walk towards the closet. "arms up" I do as I'm told and she takes off the hoodie I was given. She then pulls down my pants and undies and tells me to step out of them. She looks at the open closet for a moment before grabbing a cute simple pink dress. "arms up" she tells me again and I let her put the dress on me.

I look at myself in the mirror on the inside of the closet door. I smile at how cute I look. "do you like it?" she asks. I nod my head but she can see me pulling a slight face. "what is it?" she says grabbing my chin. "mommy panties" I say reminding her she didn't put any on me. "you don't need them" she assures me.

She picks me up again. We head back downstairs to watch some tv as my favorite cartoon would be on now. After my favorite show ended we all got to talking. "I'm sorry you missed it, daddy," I say as we had started to talk about my first day. "it's okay sweetie" Dom reassures me.

I blush and look at the ground. I think for a second before I begin to speak again. "can I make it up to you?" I mumble too quietly for him to hear. "what was that?" he says leaning in to hear me better. I blush harder at the thought of repeating it. "c-can I please make it up to you, daddy" I ask softly and he looks astonished.

"you really want to make it up to me?" he says wondering what they did to break me in so well. I nod my head and mumble out a weak "yes". No one on the couch can believe that i actually want to make it up to him. They all look at each other shocked trying to think of something to say. Does their little girl want to get railed?

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Words-935

Sorry if this is a tad short love gremlin💞💋💗

[angstlovernumer1]

gunntechs Au oc >:3

I love gunntechs au by @elmushterri .It inspired me to make this oc.also from front i wanna apologize for my english but i have dyslexica and i don't use autocorrect since it change my words sometimes even tho i didn't want to say it

They are genderfluid(but mostly they refer to themselfs as they/them but less she/him) and their name is marc(they shorten their og name aka marceline)

Their costume is fox.And their "hero" name is foxaine.I decide to put their age at 17 max. since i imagine they got put into their first company at age 12-14.Oh yeah now i think i should tell their story.

story:

Marceline is transfer from europe company.(i still didnt pick country so jsut choosing to say europe).Theu were 15 at time.they got transfer since their company shot down... becouse of some issues with kids.

When marc met the villan kids and the hero kids,they immidetly show that they clearly have some bipolar symptoms but clearly not enough to diagnose too.Marc mostly like to spend time alone sitting or reading.If not alone suprisly company let her watch experiments on other not bc he was special but becouse in papers of transfer they readed that they are already used to do that since thier og company let their "kids" watch other expirements so kinda her running to watch and smile at pther pain was normal. oh yeah she is sadistic as f-(thats why ppl didnt know if her sympones are being bipolar or just over sadisitc.In). at that time she met with romeo they didnt become friend but more like she was annoying him like all time.Like he was trying to do something but she was just playing around or make him things disappeard.She also got inrested in luna girl before she left but they didn't talk since marc was kinda afraid of moths(what i kinda imagine company gave luna to control or smth).Marc than also had some fun with little ninjas before they left with nina(if i remember thats how nightninja was called in this au).Since later on marc become more and more agressive towards scientists they decide to escape.And they did they met up later on with nightninja and stay with them for while but left soon after and live alone in some part of park and spy on pj mask and watch their every move.

Thats all im gonna add more later on but that's it for all.

but also her powers are something i liek to call:mist of fox

Basically she can turn fluff on her tail to mist what makes everyone who get into it laugh maniacly.

and Also here is sneak peak what happens to marc when her uh... ✨Gem✨ got broken

They will become hyperexcited and not like other turn evil but more they will become no-control.She will start attacking firts perosnnext to her till she sees blood.all time laughing like maniac.and her ears like on pic going up and down and same for tail.

I imagine that her suit is more like lark fro yaolarke (idk if i spell it right) colored themed.She is also redheaded but more dark in end making it look like she has top of head she is bright an dirty end.

Now i think thats all i hope you like it >:3

[the-sun-princess]

Emi Plays Revue Starlight: El Dorado Part 3

the reason maya n junna were saying 'ow' is bc they got brainfreeze from shaved ice

everyone except futaba said it anyway lmao. futaba bought syrup and apparently the candy lady gave mahiru a shaved ice machine lol.

maya has never had blue hawaiian flavor bc her parents wouldnt let her. have the flavor. specifically. i guess they didn't want their lil starlet running around with a blue tongue????

anyway Apparently blue hawaiian, strawberry, and melon flavors are all more or less the same. and maya is Devastated.

anyway they checkin off summery things to-do list. kaoruko brings up a test of courage and maya goes off

lskdjfksdhf claudine tries to goad her into it by being 'oooh ur a third years who's STILL afraid of this' and maya compares her fear of ghost stories to shit like romeo and juliet

everyone went 'aww look at maya. she's no longer trying to Hide she's afraid of shit now. ok we won't do the scary stuff'

also mahiru has upgraded maya from tendo-san to maya-chan now. honestly i do think karen going from junjun to junna is a bit of a downgrade but ah well. sign of respect i spose

and then judy comes in and ruins the 'no scary stuff' thing. drags claudine into it too since it specifically japanese horror she wants

also boo i wanna hear kaoruko talk about the ghosties of seisho

anyway ok it play time that didnt take very long.

.....is it Just the play or-

ok there we go we get commentary aha from judy. i was gon be very bored if it was JUST the play

also judy you've Been in a revue. seisho's whole last group of revues esp with nana n junna were about killing each other for the sake of ambition lmao. so yes

snort they put position 0 on the flag. twice. ofc they did

ok i KNOW no one can see eye color from the audience but that line is just kinda funny. now. i'm aware the ocean can be many a diff color with green being a more common one. but that line really kinda only works for hikari and mahiru kjhsdfd.

oh i didnt think isabel was in love with salvatore. huh. rip alejandro even tho u looked more interested in her.

ah salvatore kills alejandros dad too. no wonder alejandro swears revenge. AND took out an eye. yeesh

15 min intermission unlike the real life stageplays

lotta chattin thats fun. nana's missing. lol she's crying in the hallway over junna bc ofc she is

LOL NANA'S JELLY MAHIRU GOT TO KISS JUNNA. mahiru's laughing that she made nana jealous skjdhfkjsdhf. lil vindictive mahiru i love u

they goin back on stage and nana asked mahiru to smack her on the back for a jolt and mahiru hit her HARD. lol. everyone was like 'Owch that sounded painful' ajkhfkjsdf. don't ask mahiru to hit u then she stronk. nana is fine

and i have a thing to do so will stop there for the moment at the start of act 2

<<part 2 part 4>>

[koszmarnybudyn]

Giving you an excuse to info dump about the magical girl au all you want bc I think it’s so cool and wanna hear ur inspiration for the designs

Okay here is the info dump I promise. Also thank you for all the tags they were all very nice, and they really push me to create more :)

Normal: As I always say with his design its winx and cheerleader inspired, I already dweled on the first one in a previous post so I'm gonna skip that.

I really wanted to incorporate a star motive in his costume (thus the star top which I adore but was a pain to choose colors for), because I just think it fits him very well, he does lose some of the teenie memorabilia (without the SD for san dimas and the T's in his design) because I thought it is reminicent of his departure from the costume, yet it comes after his "trying not to be himself" phase (the third outfit) so it does bring back the previous colors.

He has teal as his main color because I really like the idea of the Oaks being green, but because ge doesn't quite fit (and because he is the new generation pc) he gets mix of blue and green which is teal (also because blue and white are the schools colors but i only found that out later).

His "trying not to be himself" costume brings in elements of the others costumes, with the chunky shoes and wings from Normal, he is trying to his friends yet pieces of himself still poje through. It has red and blue for Taylor, purple for Scary and yellow and white from Link.

I imagine this look comes after his confrontation with his dad (I want him to try to not be a magical girl for a while, like with the dance arc, and when he tries to transform after his outfit glitches and his powers malfunction, later it turns into this when fightning before he has his realization and it goes to the powerup version).

The last outfit is just his everyday (I considered drawing the teenie suit but It didn't fit on the page unfortunetly lol), I imagine he wears a lot off school merch because he still misses teenie (and yes it still very much stinks).

I think he looks the most like the classic magical girl, I really enjoy the poofy skirt because I didn't draw a lot of skirts here (it either defies logic or has shorts underneath because a skirt is not practical)

Scary: again I think I talked about the first outfit previously, I did tweak the colors and design a little bit (I struggled with the hair color a bit) but nothing very major changed.

She has purple and red (classic villian colors because she is cool and edgy). I think I started this before the betrayl but the second powerup outfit definitly happens after the reveal.

She has a lot of punk and rock influance in her outfit (and yes the platforms are impractical but they do add to the vibe). She gets cool chains but no wings. Also the prop is the Kellog knife.

Her everyday outfit is one I designed a while ago yet really like (I actually made a Scary doll and She wears the same one).

Taylor: god this was such a hassle for color choices it was terrible, just hard to draw in general and I did the Hermie powerup too many details abomination.

He gets flaiming hair like his dad, its also blue like his dad. Its definitly sailor moon inspired (I'm debating whenether Hero hates super gero Taylor or likes him, either way she does point out the sailor moon similarities either as an insult for being unoriginal or as an admiration thing because she does like sailor moon) (I just realized if I make Hero a superhero she gets the tuxedo mask inspired design for sure).

There was samurai inspiration in this (thanks Usagi chronicles you have ridden my mind) and his second outfit has a very faint flower pattent which I really like.

I think apart from power up link he has the most armor. He does get wings but they are tiny and don't really work at first but then do in his power up. Which he might get after going to hell. He does get a tail which I forgot to draw and his ears get pointer (he does also have fangs which Scary is jealous of).

He gets a staff in classical magical girl fashion (and because of his sword staff) and a katana which he does summon and do cool anime stuff with, and it does catch in flames. I really enjoy the Taylor is disabled headcanon thus the staff and i do think he has compressors in his costume.

Hermie: my boy changes designs way too aften, there is his everyday pre magic (he does get the joker stuff still).

He is a magical girl that kinda just joins the gang and is kinda a trickster, Taylor and Normal don't realize he is actually Hermie for a while (Normal doesn't know the longest) while Link and Scary know very quickly (Link is annoyed at Normal for not realizing it and it becomes a gag).

There is his 1 magical girl outfit (its practiclly the same to my previous drawings of him as nothing really changed), then there is his accident outfit (he gets it after the cheese accident), his two-face arc (also talked and shown this one previously), his after the accident everyday and then his power up.

God does it have many details, there is joker, poison ivy and two-face as inspiration in it (his hat has leaves for ivy and coins for two-face). He gets two eyes in his mask and more trickstery look in ode to his father scam. I was really inspied by court jesters and harlequins. I like how he ends up looking like a fea. Oh also question marks for riddler.

He is a silly little guy and I adore him but drawing that again will be a pain.

Link: finally my boy, after Normal he was the second finished drawing. I had a slight problem with his colors, finally picking almost white, yellow and really light green.

His norma outfit is the most practical and soccer players inspired. He gets cool lightning and angel imagery (I really enjoy his contrast with Scary with her purple and black and his yellow and white). He gets cool glowing eyes because I am a sucker for inhuman traits.

His second outfit is very palladin-y, I think the lightning kinda looks like corruption which I really enjoy, he also probablly gets it after Scary's betrayl.

There is gold and copper in his design as accents. The wing shoes were hermies inspired. He gets a glowing sword. I really enjoy some of the biblical imaginery he looks connected to.

Like I said I might honestly make more refrence sheets (I am working on kiddads designs and some other charakters, escpecially villains, but that is a bit harder for me to design so we'll see). Anyway hope this wasn't too ranty and feel free to ask anything or add ideas.

Also thank you @rooolt for giving me an excuse to infodump I am a sucker for charakter design and analysis so its very nice to rant about my choices.

[olde-scratch]

needed an art dump for all my (admittedly not very good) sketches for souichi from my saiki k/junji ito crossover so heres his house layout

and no it's not harsh black on white its ao3 dark mode colors (very pleasing to the eye) so u don't need to worry abt eyestrain

heres the whole house and its layout

i dont actually know if they would have a wall around their house, but i assume they would bc that seems like a staple in Japanese properties regardless of price. their yard is smaller than pictured, i just didn't wanna obscure it too much.

the house looks bad but it gives u a good idea of what it looks like so

in case u cant read my writing bc of the stabilizer, next to the tv in the 1st floor is the shrine. next to the stairs is the washer and dryer and then the bathroom.

the 2nd floor notes explain that the hallway is covered in various framed pictures of the tsujii family with a significant jump from right before fuchi's attack to after. (ill probably go more into depth if souichi ever brings anyone over, but souichi is normally smirking or obviously annoyed in most pics pre-fuchi, but just looks miserable or actually in pain in any after)

the attic. i havent decided whats up there, but ive decided that the door is locked and souichi stole the key. i might have mentioned that the house didn't have an attic, and i like that idea, so i think the attic's totally unuseable due to the insulation and stuff. souichi probably would have cleaned it up if he wasn't injured, but yk.

the downstairs is def inspired by the anime "inuyashiki" it's so heartwrenching i watched it twice and cried both times. highly recommend. it's basically if light yagami got turned into a robot alongside an old man and it's only 10 or 11 episodes but GOD im gonna make more references to it at some point.

souichi's bedroom

souichi’s the standing thingy while the other thingy standing against his wardrobe is that weird statue thingy he has which ive decided it a halloween prop he got and decided it was a hone onna he captured and sealed

for reference, souichi's about 5"4, but his hunch (which is probably more dramatic than shown) makes him seem a lot shorter. canonically, he's like 4"9-11 but everyone thought he was 5"4 so i figured i'd make him 5"4.

theres stuff in the bookshelf i just didnt feel like putting anything in there. the emptiness on top of the shelves and the actual shelf is intentional bc souichi cant comfortably reach them!! he also doesn't have that cloth over his light bc once again he can't reach it. that's also why his hone onna is propped between the dresser and the wardrobe rather than hanging, bc he couldn't put it up and no one helped him

i also hope that the proportions are right. souichi wouldn't be able to reach a top shelf within the wardrobe and i think he's a bit too tall in the second pic but u know what i mean

the thingy with the wheels by the door is actually a thingy i have irl! its got three levels of tiny shelves with abt 3 inch walls. i use it to store my sewing stuff and any fabric or yarn i need for current projects. its also a lot taller. (sorry that its blurry and the lines are thicker than the other stuff i had to resize and didn't feel like redrawing)

his wardrobe's got clothes in it, but i think his bookshelf would probably have a few books and then his dolls everywhere else. his kokkuri geisha is top-shelf and constantly berates him when he talks to it about giving it a proper place to sit. souichi can't move her tho bc her box is so heavy and no one wants to touch it anymore. (it was put there temporarily and misako and shuji kept putting off putting her elsewhere)

if anyone wants a closeup of any room just ask!! ive got heights for all the characters planned and i might sketch out some of the pictures on the walls

[iciatheguardess]

so tell me

how do you feel about the raina situation

feel free to elsie rant

Well uhh. You saw my reaction earlier, and that's when I knew it was coming. I think I would have gotten sick on the spot if you didn't spoil it for me /gen

I'm excited now though bc. 1. Lance and Icia get to have some guaranteed alone time without her ever popping in, and 2. Angst possibilities

This will be the first time in a long time Icia's genuinely lost someone. Rainas never gonna come back and once she realizes Rainas gone, she's gonna realize she's gone for good too.

So she'll be grieving. But... with whom? Lance? Nah. I'm excited to see how like. This will affect her.

And yes, Icia'll eventually move on and not be sad- but for a while, she definitely will be. Starro, he'll be sad knowing Icia's sad, but he wasn't ever close with Raina (tho he wanted to be) so he won't be as affected.

Me personally I still think I'm gonna forget she's gone now. I'll be waiting for a spin and be like. "... oh yeahhh-."

Still

That idea's kinda painful. Personally, I believe in an afterlife and meeting everyone there once they and you pass on... but an AI? That's a friend truly lost, and no matter what you won't get them back. Which is kinda a tough pill to swallow.

I'm interested to see how Lance will handle all this- I especially want to see how he'll react to like. Having stuff that was meant for Raina- like the dress Icia gave her, and the the bat. I wanna see how that'll go- and people who don't know she's gone or slip up, what that would be like. Or if he found evidence- like a picture- of her. Icia has one so that may be something.

To top this all off, I love Lance's redesign. Icia's gonna love it too. He looks really cute- the hair surprised me, I'll say that. But I also like that his star has more color variation

Now I'm tired and that's all I can think of so goodnight

[thecoolertails]

ok since i got all caught up with idw i decided to jump back into the archie comics where i left off. id stopped right after the mecha madness special (between #39 and #40), and now im right before issue #55. some notes:

- this shit sucks akdhkshsksh sorry like overall there is so little to like

- ken penders is so misogynistic it's painful and the other writers don't do nearly enough to counteract that. the way sally's character was used during the endgame arc was so ass and it's made even worse by knowing that penders wanted to kill her off for real. sally never gets to do anything cool and the other female characters barely even exist

- except julie-su, she's here now and i love her so far, she's great and spaz did a fantastic job on her design. she's one of the only comic-exclusive characters so far that actually has a good design that looks like she belongs in sonic

- and then there's fucking geoffrey st. john i fucking hate geoffrey st. john he gets sooooo much focus bc he's penders' special boy he gets sooooo much more screen time than most of the actual game and satAM characters. sometimes amy gets to stand in the background of a panel or two but not geoffrey st. john it's ALL ABOUT geoffrey st john he's always here he's always important i fucking hate him so much i wish he was roadkill

- i hate stupid king acorn stupid ass i hate the worldbuilding surrounding the kingdom of acorn i hate this giant emphasis on this monarchy bs it sucks its so lame. sally makes a big deal in satAM abt how she's not any more important than anyone else and how the only 'royalty' is mother nature but the comics are like no actually the monarchy is everything sorry

- and don't even get me started on the stupid echidna lore. why does the comic make such a big deal about oh they gave up their technology no they fucking didn't they live in a modern techno city still like they drive cars and have computers and shit. and all the guys have stupid penders names like hawking steppenwolf archibald dude the one canon echidna at that point is named KNUCKLES why the fuck are they named like this. why do they all look exactly like knuckles (except for julie-su) like they're not even different colors most of the time and when they are they're other shades of red. if it was just his relatives then fine but no it's all the echidnas. why's knuckles dad such a stupid secretive asshole. why is knuckles moms boyfriend dressed like that

- i just wanna get to the good part pls i wanna get to the good

[noro-noro-noro]

the dreams I had got mixed up also.

taking the bus 1.5 they changed refinery missions in drg

big party with my relatives 2.5. some people noisy outside my window

some drunk girl takes my boots & teleports away

fantasy world crusade

i have to find hentai with the tags "bearded dragon"

why are the half dreams that i added in later indented. this is annoying

1. taking the bus home from highschool again & that guy was there but the bus stop was now at the bottom of my driveway instead of the bottom of his driveway. my sister was also on the bus and she was telling me the bus stop was at our driveway instead of Alex's but I didn't believe her until it actually stopped. then I was like jaylene when did it become this bus stop!??? when??? also there were lotuses growing next to the driveway so I was cheerful wbout that bc I like them, but then my mom yelled at me for eating lotus root and scattering the seeds around the yard last year bc now she has to dig up all the lotuses & I was like why :( I like these... then there was likr a little hole under the house with blue lighting that looked just like a picture I drew, down to the shitty lineart that I started overpainting instead. I overpainted some of the water in the pond. it was purple.

1.5 something drg related. they changed how pipes in refining worked. scout couf build his own pipes they were blue and placed faster. and also there were 6 geysers now so 6 pipes.

2. a big party with my dad's side of the family, but it happened again in my mom's house. that's always the house I see in my dreams so whatever. one of my smaller cousins C was trying to play piano. i was surprised at how they got such a nice piano onto the driveway and was worried it was gonna rain. everybody was drinking a bit & being a little rowdy , so I decided to keep at eye on my little cousins instead. she tried playing the middle part of a famous waltz that had been simplified down to child level, but then part of it was also just in the hall of the mountain king. which I should look back into playing again bc it was a lot of fun. anyway!! I was trying to help her out but I only had a shitty light blue colored pencil to make notes with. then as people were leaving I heard shouting from inside, a dude named Zach was being a pain in the ass. my brain immediately was like "do you know rhis guy? he's a white gsmer mustve been one of your ex's friends that you forgot to remove on social media" even though he was literally a dude I saw 10-15 times on campus bc he was in Industrial Design which was the huilding next to ours. anyway idk his crimes but he was just chilling in the living room and I kind of wanted him to leave.

2.5. just remembered this, it was also in my mom's house. I was sleeping in my old room when I heard people yelling from the patio (directly under my old room) & it was 8am so I turned the light on & peeked out & there was some family down there who lookrd up a me a bit sheepishly. I like gestured at them & then turbed my light back off.

3. this kinda takes place in the post party zone. it was a similar vibe to the last day of thing I volunteered for in Taiwan, where all the rules went out the window bc half the people "leading" the groups were younger than the college students, and everybody wanted to be drinking, and we were 7 to a room & one of the girls I was with kicked us all out bc she wanted to get with a guy so I was just wandering around the area like :-/ I want to go to bed.... the night market is already closed by now.....anyway it was like that vibe. we were in a similar hotel now, if slightly nicer. some drunk girl in a white fur coat and very fancy strappy heeled sandals showed up with her friend & they sat next to me & talked really loudly for a while, and then the girl was like um. hey. can I borrow your boots to go to the bathroom I don't wanna walk in these heels. so I was like ok sure just bring them back.... & she was like omg thanks babe :D & then as she was taking her sandals off I noticed she had abnormally small feet. whatever. she took my.boots & then like teleported away.

4. there was some kind of sci Fi fantasy aspect leaking in now. like fantasy where the magic is old abandoned scifi stuff like sword of shannara. I was on some quest to do something. there was a machine of some sort? some kind of thing I had. I downloaded something that turned me invisible Just in time since some mafia guys were about to walk up. their girls were also wearing strappy heels. cut to the rest of my stupid stupid party seeing the girl who took my boots also hanging onto MY dimensional gate bow that we were LOOKING FOR. and they were just like oh cool! & let her g on her way

5. it was really vital that I accurately typed in tags to look for some kind of hentai that had a bearded dragon in it..not participating or anything, just that the main girl had one & you got to see her feed it before she went off to get railed or whatever. unfortunately I couldn't spell bearded properly.

[strawberryezpls]

my goodness i have changed wtf

looking back to the beginning of this year till now is actually fucking insane how much has happened and how things ended up being like. I'm actually accomplishing my goals that i had planned for this year and it feels good but it's kinda like i need something else for the motivation to keep going. Umm lets see I'm finally under 200 and I can keep doing that if i watch my diet. Ummmmm should i start witht he boy who i was i was ina s ituationship with or just pick up where I lelft off? Hmm so last time i was on here I was already on talking terms with my ex(yea ik bad) but it was kinda innocent. (not really lmao) then I got my wisdom tooth surgery and i had a little complication bc it was not healing up properly. Thennnnn I had my bday how i planned it. I even bought myself a little camera but it dies so quick so rip. Ooo i turned 21 if you didn't know and i had my first whiskey shot at midnight thanks to no relationship man. (Imma call him teddy bear bc thats what it gave and reminds me of the song teddy bear by melanie martinez. Oooo i finally got into a relationship with teddy bear but i pratcially begged him tbh. oh and before that i got my grand,as car towed from his apartment........ i don't wanna even revisit im just glad i didn't have to pay for it. And then i went to see melanie martinex for her 3 album tour and it was MAGICALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL. as per usuall life went downhill after seeing such a queen. I was =n't doing too hot spring quarter and that why im taking my last class i needed. However i did sign my lease for the dorms imma be living so I'm offically a university gal! regarding to that i got a second job just for the summer to help with paying for college but tbh let be real lmao. lets just say if i thought i was busy in january this is nothing compared. oh and I dyed my hair in may becaseu i felt like it but im back to my natural color and in pain bc my hair is so weak rn. ummmmmmm today i'm finally goign to be a manager at my main job and iim so excited but nervous. I've been acting like this role for a while now but there's always going to be something unexpected that comes up. But thankfully everyone is supportive and does what they can and I'm not alone in the suffering at all(at least i hope im not) oh and i got into a fight with my fatehrr so i have to stay at my aunts house temporaily like where i'm typing from. I miss being home bc it was my set place where i had everythign i needed. which reminds me like you know how i said i think i have autism yeah idk i think i also show signs of ocd...... i wont go into detial bc thats not ur bussiness but i tend to have very obessive thoughts like never ending too so theres that. I cannot wait for september to come and i can focus on school and have a change. i have to start packing or planning things now though and that makes menervous bc my mom obviously doesn't want me to go. but whatever omg and i started using tampons and I've only had 2 success days lmao but i'm gettign there. Idk if this wasn't obious but i broke up with teddy bear to foucs on myself and i don't reakky have the energy to be with him it just too drianing yk. However i somehwo managed too get all the bosy i've shown interest to spin back like didn't think it was possible. just wow y life is really changing and i feel like i can't keep uup even thoughi felt like that in april and I was keeping up just fine. anyways I think thats it i could start to do think pieces again not that anybody is reading this. I wish i could say every detail but so much is happening at once in my life. it wasn't like this a year ago which is crazy to say. Like i never thought i would be here like this a year ago tbh. I think that's a good thing becasue i wanted to live a busy life like everyone. I don't know how i still have time for tiktok and instagram on the daily but whatever. I don't even post as much on instagram yea very sad. I'm becoming more mysertious by the day. and sharing over there just feels useless like my august/july-december era was one or the books.

[crazylil-lion]

Anyone else genuinely scared to look at themselves in the mirror?

Like not only because I hate how I look but because I don't recognize the thing standing before me.

It doesn't feel real. How could that be me?

I look myself in my eyes and I see someone else.

Empty, dead eyes, a sadistic grin. The part of me that knows no matter how much I try to drown it out with lorazepam. With loud music. With games. With anime. Multitasking until I'm dead to avoid the fucking monster inside me.

When I look into my eyes in the mirror I see the demon before me and I get sick. Thoughts of all the things I've done wrong, things I could have done better. People I could have helped and given more to flash before my eyes.

I don't recognize myself because the truth is who I am died years ago in that house.

My personality was destroyed my life turned meaningless.

All that mattered was being enough, giving more and more. Asking for as little as possible.

Get love based on how much you do.

Its funny. If 4th grade people wrote notes about the favorite thing they enjoyed about each of us.

I had so many nice comments. How sweet and kind I was. How bright and bubbly I was. How I use to brighten rooms up and make people smile.

I think back and i remember going to school pretending everything was okay.

Pretending that I was okay.

Over those years 9-15 everything about me was destroyed.

Befoee that age it was bad. The screaming. The fear the pain. The threats.

But it didn't really hit me until I was around 10.

Thats when the fire nation attacked( jk😂)

Anyway. Thats when it got worse. The abuse got worse. My presents always being stolen. Literally if I was called for I had to drop what I was doing and go. That second. If I didn't they would scream. Come pound on my door. Drag me out by my arm. Scream so close I felt their breath.

Spanked or slapped. Or just threatened.

I did the chores. Most of them. I kept my siblings from crying or it was my fault.

The only escape I really had was weekends with dad but he would just dismiss moms actions. Dismiss my words tell me to just be strong because I was the only one that could be there for them. He tried his hardest still does working 80 hrs anychance he gets to support moms lazy ass.

I was blamed for so much. I changed my hair color to pink when I was 10 and I got screamed at. Told I was unlovable. A freak. People would make fun of me. No one would ever wanna date me. I was forced to skip school the rest of the week so they could change it back.

If they hit me and I cried I was told to man up before they gave me a real reason to cry.

I've never really had support. Or someone who unconditionally loved me.

All ky relationships where me giving everything to get barely anything in return.

My one good relationship ended basically overnight.

Everything was great she was going to come see me some times soon or I see her.

I tried to spend time with her she kept hanging out with her friend, whoch I was like, okay, np we got all the time in the world. Then a few days later she wants to have phone sex after I worked all day its like 830 and the walls are so thin I hear the group of people in the room next door.

I say I really didnt feel up to it bc I was tired and I just wanted to talk.

She blows up saying I don't ever do anything with her after staying at a friends for days.

That everything changed when I moved bc I was busy.

I begged for her to support me. Saying its hard after moving from my siblings. The only thing that kept me alive for years.

She left. Within a week it was over she was gone. Didn't respond. Said she wanted space and went and got into another relationship like a week or two later. And that was it until her relationship went bad and she talked to me again.

The one relationship that I thought I mattered in threw me away basically in days. Moved on and barely talked to me after multiple bad relationships.

Really I just wanna be noticed once. Everyone talks of their stories. Their relationships. Getting hit on.

I'm here like yeaaa everyones basically treated me like shit my whole life.

I just can't relate.

To their lives.

To being able to live as children.

Ive missed out on so much for so long. All I've wanted was love. Romance. The cheesy shit. Flowers. Smothering eachother in kisses. Cooking together. Talking about our day's.

Its all I want.

I want to know a safe warm embrace.

I wanna know what its like to be chosen and wanted.

What its like for someone to try for me. To think about me.

I wanna matter. I'll do anything. Give them anything. Treat them like my goddess. Worship them build them up. I just wanna feel fucking safe. Have someone proud. Have someone want me. Want to have romantic cheesy shit.

The truth is I'll never be able to love myself without intimacy or affection.

I was starved of it. Idk what its like to be held.

I can't love myself because my family only loved what I could provide. Not me. Me was pushed down. Broken and abused.

I wanna kill myself because I don't think I'll ever have that love. That safety. Someone I can open myself up to. Show all my scars and have embrace me. I just want to feel loved and wanted. I want to kill myself because im tired of pain and suffering. I'm tired of trying my hardest when it feels like multiple people trying to smother me. When I feel like theres a hurricane in my mind.

I wanna kill myself because honestly I feel its the only out. To a peaceful quiet empty place.

I place I don't have to hurt anymore.

I'm not surprised no one wants me though...

I'm just this ugly thing. Not masc enough for most girls. Not feminine enough for others.

Not cute.

Too shy.

I'm just not someone worth noticing and thats okay.

Just try to smile and enjoy pretending to be part of a group. Part of the peoples from works friend group.

Be the person that lifts others up bc thats the only way anyone will keep me around. Is if I'm useful and helpful. Kind and polite. Friendly and understanding.

People will only keep me around if I try my hardest to please. If I give everything and ask for nothing.

I'll never be loved or wanted any other way.

So I'm done.

I'm ready to go.

Let me not awake from my sleep.

Let me rest in peace.

[sanzuslvt]

My God| (m)

pairings. fem Y/N x sanzu  summary. Y/N was saved by sanzu making her his obedient servent asking her to kill for him when this happens she finds out what she's been missing in life.

tags. romance, face fucking, degrading, praise, pain kink, use of pet names, deepthroat, soft-dom!sanzu, mentions of suicide

A/N. HIIII this is my first fic lmao I have no idea how to write but anyways this is for the sanzu simps bc yk I luv y'all anyways lmk what I can do to be better and yea enjoy. also minos DNI 

word count. 1.5k 

Y/N can't remember, she can’t remember the day that she became absolutely obsessed with the man who stole her heart and life. It feels like a blur at first it was the fact that he saved her life, But as time moved on it turned into this undying love for him. Somehow it turned to him bending her over and stuffing her full of all that he had. Y/N also knew she knew he didn't love her, she was being used and she understood that but this love she had for him was so deep that she would do anything even if she had to KILL.

Flashback

She stood on the edge of the building for hours now. She didn't know if she really wanted to die. Y/N felt like this was the only way but the truth is that she was just so scared. So she just stood there all alone on the roof crying until she heard a voice from the shadows behind her

“Why don't you jump.” “i’ve been watching you for a while now”

“I-i dont know… im scared” Y/N muttered under her breath  

“What's there to be scared of? You are gonna end ur life right. If you do it then no one will get the chance to save you.”

When he said that it stuck a cord in her heart contrary to what she was thinking she turned around to face who she was speaking to she fell… as she was falling it felt like 10 minutes but she felt like this might be a sign that the person she was talking to was bad for so she shut her eyes and fell until she felt the rough calloused hands of someone grab her ankle.

She looked up to see the person who saved her and he was there. It was love at first sight. His unhinged smile with two scars on the side of his mouth, he had a pink mullet and he was absolutely beautiful. Was this what angels looked like, she thought and he just smiled as he stared down at her before bringing her up from her plummet. This was the first time we met sanzu haruchika. Y/N felt this undying need to please him and obey his every order and so that's what she did. She followed him and obeyed every commend she was his little pet and she wasn't about to give that up

When he first asked her to kill for her it was nerve wracking. She knew what his job was before and she knew he wasn't innocent. She saw the blood and the pills but it drew her in even more than she could explain. But even when she was asked to kill for him she did it. Y/N was too in love to say no. He said the job had to be her. He told her she was beautiful and that for the man to take the bait it had to be her. Even when she knew it was a lie she still agreed but here she was standing outside of the wear house waiting for the signal to move in. Y/N is beautiful. She's fairly tan with hazel eyes and hair so long it made girls envy. This job was to seduce the man long enough to get him to leave and go to the empty warehouse with her and she was hesitant she could do it but anything for sanzu. When she got the signal she moved in seductively walking up to her prey. After a few drinks the man whispered in her ear

“wanna get out of here love”

It made her squirm in disgust but she replied with

“Of course i know the perfect place”

Y/N brought the man to the rundown warehouse and as any sane person would he was skeptical but she was so attractive it was a hard opportunity to miss. They quickly got to businus Y/N kissed the man and it quickly turned to a make out. She was disgusted, repulsed even by the man he wasn't unattractive but the only one she wanted was sanzu. When she noticed he was drawn into the makeout she quietly but surely drew Santos' gun, she put it up to his head and BAM he was gone. Y/N stood there for a few seconds in shock over what happened but was quickly taken out of her shoke by hearing sanzus beautiful laughter come out of the shadows

“ AHHH i knew my good girl could do it” he said approaching you and wiping off the blood for your face and chest

“You look so beautiful like this.”

“S-sanzu what did i just do” y/n said almost in tears

“Aww don't cry baby girl… you were just doing what i asked of you and you did such a good job”

He said as he embraced her in a cold hug. Once she returned to reality Y/N felt the hard shaft between her thighs. She wanted to please him bringing her hand to his cock she slowly rubbed his mound

“Tsk tsk tsk look my darling is so impatient”

“I just want to please you, let me make you cum

Sanzu then grabbed her hair pulling her down to her knees. She winced from the pain but she could feel her arousal pooling in her panties.

“Take them off darling take my dick out for me’

She obeyed. She could see the print of his crotch in his boxers and it made her savivate she wanted him. She NEEDED him. She then grabbed the rim of his boxers letting his cock spring out smacking his lower abdomen. No matter how much she saw it, it always impressed her. Oh it was so beautiful the beautiful pink color of the tip and the single vein running down the bottom of it. She wanted it in her. Abruptly he pulled her hair making her head fall back and her mouth run open.he slipped his thumb in and she sucked it knowing how much he liked it.

“Mhmm always a good little girl for me”

She nodded her head giving him her big pretty puppy dog eyes

“Don't look at me like that, it makes me want to destroy you.”

He said grinning from ear to ear.

“Open ur mouth” sanzu commanded

And that's exactly what she opened her mouth slipping his cock inside she hollowed out her cheeks like a good little girl would.

“Suck” he said grinning like a mad man

And so she started off slow and she got faster and faster with each bob of her head. It was moving smoothly until Sanzu gripped her hair and forced his cock down her throat. She gagged at the sudden intrusion of her throat and gripped his thighs telling him to stop. But he just got faster and faster fucking into her mouth.

“Do you enjoy that huh. Just like you enjoyed being a little whore earlier, letting that guy touch you like I wasn't watching.” “i bet it turned you on didnt it huh sluting out infront of me” He pulled out of her mouth.

“Speak”

“S-sanzu p-please i love you and only you so please use me like you've never used anyone im your cum slut… i-im only a slut for y-you. S-sanzu ah”

He stuffed himself down your throat again making you yelp out of pain and pleasure.

“Show me. Show me… cum from my words baby then i'll know you love me. DO IT.”

Y/N slowly removed her hand from his thigh and lowered it to her clit. She could feel her heat from the thin denim shorts she was wearing. She rubbed small circles around the sensitive area on her mound and she slowly got faster and faster. She moaned on sanzus dick making him fucking her face even more enjoyable. She could feel herself nearing the end and she could feel sanzu was almost there too. It was so hard to breathe at the pace he was pounding her face but she put up with it and she needed to help him.

A few moments before she came she looked up terms brimming her eyes. Everything felt so vivid, her fingers inside of her cunt senzus hands gripping her hair and his dick flowing in and out of her. But the most unforgettable thing was his face, his beautiful scars, his whimsical smile and his amazing eyes. It's almost like the unforgettable night when he saved her. Then when both of their eyes met they both came. This was the first time that Y/N had felt something so fascinating. She felt her cum running down her thighs and she felt his going down her throat. At that moment She felt so lucky it didn't matter if he didnt love her or if she was being used. she knew she just knew that he was the… he was her GOD.

[verobatto]

Destiel Chronicles

Vol. XCV

It was a love story from the very beginning.

And You Are Not Here... (Part. III)

(13x04)

Hello my friends! This is another meta from season 13. We are still mourning with Dean...

I'm gonna focus in just one episode, because I have a lot of things to say about this one. Obviously, the majority of the things have been already analyzed by the meta community.

But, let's see what we find...

Move on

Remember how the last episode ended, with Dean blowing out his feelings and pain to his brother, so, this episode starts with Sam trying to talk with his brother about that. And by that I mean: Cas.

SAM: Hey. How you feelin’?

[DEAN is working on his laptop. He looks up at SAM, but doesn’t reply.]

Sam understands now that fact he had always suspect, what really means to Dean losing Castiel. But Dean sees it coming and doesn't answer, because he knows he let his pain and mourn talking by themselves, and now he wants to come back to hide behind his walls. But Sam won't let that goes so easy. Another heated discussion about Jack brings the topic back.

SAM: Dean, we can’t hide him forever. And, you know, just keeping him cooped up here isn’t working.

DEAN: Yeah, it is, actually. You wanna know why? Because as long as he’s here, he’s not out there doing God knows what. So what, does this mean that your plan for bringing Mom back isn’t working? ‘Cause I’ll say it again—Mom’s dead, Sam. Lucifer ripped out her freakin’ heart. Now, the sooner you can wrap your head around that, the sooner we can all move on.

(Gif set credit @demondetoxmanual )

Look at this, Sam takes Dean's words and immediately repeats the ask but with another different meaning, aeaning his brother gets immediately. Sam tilts his head, and his eyes are searching for the answer in Dean's face, because he knows he won't have the answer in words from him.

These exchange of gazes is so so important, because Dean is saying "Are you really asking me if I can move on... From CAS?" Because is obvious Sam was implying that, for Dean, losing Cas was more painful and unbearable than losing Mary. "You want to move on, from mom?"

The pause, the coma, is pointing Sam is referring Castiel, not mom. Is not mom the one you want to move on, right?

Dean's silence is priceless, both men talks without talking, and both know what they're talking about. Of course Dean can't move on from Castiel. And Sam knows it. Because he experienced the same with Jess.

And Dean changing the subject after that is saying HE WON'T TALK ABOUT IT.

Lies and Toxicity

We have a beautiful scene between Jack and Sam, in which Jack snaps all the bad things he heard last night. But Sam explains to him, they need his help to bring Mary back, and Jack can connect again with S through the pain of losing their moms. And he gives the kid a tip to conquer Dean's sympathy.

SAM: (...) Listen, if there’s one thing that Dean respects, it’s effort. So come along. Help us out. Let’s go be the good guys.

So we'll see the kid really giving everything in this mission.

Another quote that caught my attention was Jack saying this:

JACK: I thought lying was wrong.

Just came to my mind episode 14x19, when Jack is sick of so much lies and turn the world into 'just truth's real madness!

And another foreshadow in the same episode we will have Cas coming back, they're talking about this ...

DEAN: (...) why’d she come back from the dead and knife his ass?

JACK: People come back?

SAM: When a person dies and their soul can’t move on…

Talking about this in this specific episode has a meaning: the wife, the woman that man loved coming back from the death, is a reflection of Castiel coming back at the end of this episode. Souls that can't move on, is talking about Dean and Castiel's decease.

Another thing that is pointed in this episode is Sam seeing the bad things of John Winchester in his brother.

Castiel in the Empty

As the preamble to Castiel in the Empty, we had this dialogue here...

JACK: My mother… could she be a ghost?

SAM: No, we, um… we burned the body.

DEAN: That’s right, and what gets burned… stays dead.

Dean is saying this to himself because they burnt Cas' body too, but this scene is cut and we jump into the next one: Castiel walking around the Empty.

Then, again, Dean goes with this quote here...

DEAN: So, aside from getting dead, what do Gloria and Wes have in common?

And the scene cuts to Castiel again, emphasis in loved people that was dead, and now comes back from it.

Another interesting scene is Dean finding Gloria's diary of mourning.

SAM: More of the same. Um, he really was into the whole catharsis thing.

DEAN: Yeah, sure. Who wouldn’t be? I mean, it’s like another word for “happy ending”.

Dean shows here he knows exactly what that is, and how you can feel when you lose the love of your life. The "happy ending" is a reference of a suicidal thoughts as another way out from the pain. And as we will see in the next episode, was a way out Dean was considering for himself. Also, the journal was made by John after Mary died, and was made by this widow, after his wife died. Is important because in the interview with MIA (the ship shifter therapist) she will ask Dean if he has a diary.

Sam talks about catharsis, as an important way to process the pain, and he really tried to make his brother to do that at the beginning of the episode. Failing.

MIA: Mm. Most of the people I see are in the same boat. No warning, no goodbye, no closure.

These words play an important role for Sam, Jack and Dean, in loosing their mothers and loosing Castiel.

They exchanged heated words again in front of Mia, Sam accusing Dean because he is not carrying well with the deaths, and we'll have again an indirect question, with second meaning. Sam will be talking about Castiel again. But then, and just like Dean did at the end of the previous episode, Sam will have his blow out about losing Mary. Is a blatant comparison between Romantic Love (CAS/Dean) and Family Love (Sam/Mary).

Sam leaves, and Mia points at Dean. Dean drinks from his flask. He was doing that and eating a lot, as he always does when he loses Cas.

MIA: (...) You’re angry, Dean.

DEAN: And?

MIA: And if you don’t want to do anything about it, that’s your business. But you’re aiming it at everyone in your life.

Dean will take these words and do something about it, at the end of the episode. But, I want to talk a little about visual Narrative here, because while Mia was talking with Dean, there was a picture behind her, with BLUE/GREEN AND RED COLORS (Destiel).

The scene between CAS talking with the empty that had taken his shape is intertwined with the shape shifter that took Dean's shape. This is very meaningful bc both creatures decided to take the protagonists of this love story shapes.

So, the Empty explains where Castiel is, and also, is baffled by the angel that woke him up. Is the first time someone wakes up in the Empty, and the entity is really mad at it.

But Castiel doesn't know why he woke up, so, he went with the first idea: Maybe the Winchesters did some deal or spell. But they didn't.

The Empty represents all the darkness inside of Castiel: his doubts, his depression, his fears, his weakness. So, the only way to keep him there SLEEPING (as the image of depression) is to point at the lack of faith in coming back, or in feeling himself loved or needed.

The following dialogue shows us how smart is our angel.

CASTIEL: Having me awake causes you pain.

COSMIC ENTITY: If you can’t sleep, I can’t sleep. Yeah? And I like sleep. I need sleep.

CASTIEL: Then get rid of me.

COSMIC ENTITY: Oh, should I, should I?

CASTIEL: Send me back to Earth.

Castiel immediately detect the point of it, and tries to give a resolution for both of them.

COSMIC ENTITY: Or I throw you so deep into the Empty that you can’t bother me anymore, hmm?

CASTIEL: Except you know that won’t work, or you would’ve done it already.

COSMIC ENTITY: Pretty smart. Pretty smart, dummy.

CASTIEL: Send… Me… Back.

The first conclusion CAS arrives is by his side. The only way the Empty can get some peace is sending him back to Earth. What Cas doesn't know is, the empty won't come back to sleep, ever again after this.

COSMIC ENTITY: That’s not part of the deal. No, no. Besides, you don’t want to go back.

CASTIEL: Yes, I do. Sam and Dean need me.

COSMIC ENTITY: Oh, save it.

When the Empty says SAVE IT, is because he knows the excuse is making CAS to come back, is not the real one he has in his heart. Oh, save it is not because of that, is because ONE MAN NAMED DEAN WINCHESTER.

Because immediately after this, the Empty mocks him about it...

(Gif set credit @petercapaldi )

Look at Castiel's face when the Empty refers to his feelings as TULIPS, because the tulips represents the perfect lover, passion and romanticism. The tulip is a symbol of sincere love. It is an incredibly romantic flower that when giving it you express infatuation, passion, unconditional love, pure love.

So, the Empty is saying here: save it, you are in love, you want to come back because you are in love.

To the Empty, is very disgusting, aberrant, and it annoys him. He qualifies it as "little feelings"

Because he's trying to erase the hopes in Castiel. So, he shows him he knows everything about him, and if he didn't understand at first with the tulips reference, he makes it clear now I KNOW WHO YOU LOVE.

And seeding again the depression, because he needs CAS sleeping or defeated, he continues...

Unrequited Love. The Empty exposes right in front of Cas' eyes the fear of being unrequited. With this, he is trying to show him WHY WOULD YOU COME BACK IF DEAN DOESN'T LOVE YOU BACK? He needs to cut any hopes in the angel.

And after this, he shows CAS l his mistakes, and fears, and regrets, and guilts. All the bad things, all his darkness, to put him back to sleep.

But then, Castiel gets it, he is already saved. And with more energy and hopes inside his heart, he faces the empty again:

CASTIEL You can prance and you can preen and you can scream and yell and remind me of my failings but somehow, I’m awake. And I will stay awake and I will keep you awake until we both go insane. I will fight you. Fight you and fight you for…ever. For eternity.

COSMIC ENTITY No. No.

CASTIEL Release me. Release… me.

Symbolism again! Castiel asking his own darkness and depression, and regrets to release him in that moment, he release himself from all of that and he returns stronger than never.

Lack of Faith

Back to Dean, Jack and Sam with the shape-shifters we can see another interesting visual element, next to Dean: Sunflower.

The sunflower is the symbol of the Sun and symbolizes love and admiration. But also happiness, vitality, positivity and energy. ... For some religions it is a symbol of the one who permanently seeks God, the divine, since the star king symbolizes God.

This could be linked to what Dean means to Cas, but I think is mostly what Cas means to Dean.

But jumping into the dialogues and the symbolism and parallel of having two Deans as we had two Cas, there's a little clue for a foreshadow...

Look at this, the scene is pretty blatant, we have Buddy, Mia's ex, obssesed with her, jealouse of her life, intertwined with the dialogue between Dean and Jack, showing how important Jack is.

So, Buddy is the Empty, Mia is Castiel. And the most important thing in there, is Jack... These are the ingredients and this is the dialogue...

BUDDY: I never stopped looking for you.

JACK: I can’t.

BUDDY: And when I found this place, when I saw all that…

DEAN: Yes, you can.

BUDDY: …warm, fuzzy good you were doing. I couldn’t let you have that.

Buddy is the Empty saying to Mia, CAS, that he will search for him in a future, and he will see his happiness, one of the most important persons to CAS is JACK, that's why the dialogues are mixed here.

DEAN: Sammy believes in you, and when he believes, he’ll go Hell for leather…

BUDDY:

So I took it all away, and it was fun.

DEAN …but you gotta try.

Again, the Empty mirror talking about taking all away from Mia, Castiel's mirror, and we have Dean talking to Jack. This is the foreshadow of 14x08, when the Empty will come for Jack in Heaven.

MIA You’re… you’re a…

BUDDY: What? A monster? Well, so are you. And it’s about time you embraced that. So I’m not gonna kill those boys. You are. You end them, or you die, courtesy of Tweedledee’s silver bullets. So what’s it gonna be, princess?

MIA: Shoot me. Shoot me!

And now we have Castiel's mirror giving her life in exchange for Dean and Jack. Just like CAS will do with his deal with the Empty in 14x08 and his ultimate Sacrifice in 15x18.

Now, the last scene. Sam is ready to move on from having faith but Dean will take the advice that Mia gave him. But in this attempt of stopping Sam from being like him, he will show again one of his deepest feelings...

(Gif set credit @aborddelimpala)

Dean had lost faith, hopes, because he lost Castiel. And Castiel represented all of that to him.

Sam is worried, and Dean just realized he said it. He had just showed his brother part of his depressive thoughts. And the sadness in his face is all over.

Miscellaneous: The address in Mia's office door was 219, this is a very interesting visual element, is a reference to episode 2x19, "Folsom Prison Blues", in which Sam and Dean were two prisoners, trying to show their innocence. Finally breaking free. As a foreshadow of the emotional prison we will see in Dean's possesion in episode 14x09.

To Conclude:

This episode is full of symbolism and is centered on Castiel and his storyline with the Empty.

The episode shows us too the pain carried by Dean, Jack and Sam in loosing the people they love and how each one of them walks through it in different ways.

Hope you like this meta, see you in the next one!

Tagging @magnificent-winged-beast @emblue-sparks @weird-dorky-little-d @michyribeiro @whyjm @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @savannadarkbaby @dea-stiel @poorreputation @bre95611 @thewolfathedoor @charlottemanchmal @neii3n @deathswaywardson @followyourenergy @dean-is-bi-till-i-die @hekatelilith-blog @avidbkwrm @anarchiana @dickpuncher365 @vampyrosa @authorsararayne @mybonsai1976 @love-neve-dies @dustythewind @wayward-winchester67 @angelwithashotgunandtrenchcoat @trashblackrainbow @deeutdutdutdoh @destiel-shipper-11 @larrem88 @charmedbycastiel @ran-savant @little-crazy-misha-minion @samoosetheshipper

@shadows-and-padlocked-hearts @mishtho @dancingtuesdaymorning @nerditoutwithbooks @mikennacac73 @justmeand-myinsight @idontwantpeopletoknowmyname @teddybeardoctor @pepevons @helevetica @isthisdestiel @dizzypinwheel @jawnlockwinchester @horsez2 @qanelyytha

@destielle @spnsmile @shippsblog @robot-feels @superlock-in-the-tardis @superduckbatrebel @2musiclover2 @madronasky @anon-non2 @cea1996 @lisafu02 @asphodelesauvage @destiels-canonahhhhhhhhhh

If you want to be added or removed from this list just let me know.

If you wanna read the previous metas from this season here you have the links:

Vol. XCIII, XCIV.

Buenos Aires, January 3rd 2021 6:46 PM

[jemmydoolz]

Edgar Has Always Been Kind of a Bitch

hi okay so it's a little after midnight but I'm posting a fic rn bc it's the first fic I've written in like,, a yr and a half and also I'm rlly excited abt it??

anyway battle buddies/fahc jeremwood angst based on ramblings in a gc

(warning for minor assault implications at the beginning, and brief mentions of a suicide attempt at the end)!!!

Fiona and Gavin decide that what Jeremy needs is a night of bevs, and, to put it simply, get wasted, so the crew settles on going to a club that Friday. Jeremy only has one or two drinks, but boy does he get fucked up.

Ryan’s sitting and talking with Geoff and Jack in a booth, sipping a diet coke. He looks over Jack’s shoulder to see Jeremy standing at the bar with a much taller, more intimidating man looming over him. The guy reaches out toward Jeremy, who leans away from the touch. Jeremy nervously laughs and his eyes frantically dart around for someone, anyone who might be able to help him.

“Hello? Earth to Ryan?” Jack waves her hand in front of Ryan’s face.

“Oh, yeah. Yeah. sorry. Hey, um, I’m gonna go home, I’m just not really feeling great,” Ryan murmurs as he slides out of the booth, already heading toward Jeremy.

“Um, alright, I guess? Drive safe,” Jack calls after him.

Ryan speeds up when he sees the man grab Jeremy’s arm. Jeremy’s face flipped through a thousand emotions at once when he saw Ryan approaching, but eventually landed on confused but grateful. He gave Jeremy a look that said just go with what I’m about to say.

“Hey, babe,” Ryan says. The man immediately drops his grip on Jeremy’s arm. Jeremy does his best not to choke on his own spit when he hears the word babe come out of Ryan’s mouth. He hadn’t heard it in so long, and he didn’t think it would still hurt so much.

“Oh, hey!” Jeremy turns to Ryan and reaches up to peck him on the lips. “Where’d Edgar go? It’s his birthday, I figured he would wanna hang out with his friends!”

Fuck. Mentioning something about their friend ‘Edgar’ was always code for I don’t feel good about this, let��s leave. Edgar’s birthday meant I’m having a panic attack, I need your help. Ryan wanted to punch the guy that was practically feeling Jeremy up. No—he wanted to fucking kill that bastard. He and Jeremy may have had a severe falling out, they may have suffered years of heartache and longing, but he still felt responsible to make sure Jeremy was safe.

“He said he kinda wanted to go home. He went to the bathroom while I found you. You, uh, just about ready?” Ryan’s eyes flitted between Jeremy and the other man, who cleared his throat and mumbled something about needing to go find his friends before walking off.

Jeremy and Ryan both sigh in relief once he’s gone.

“Wanna head outside for some fresh air for a minute?” Ryan asks, getting a meek, obviously shaken-up nod in return.

Jeremy says something that Ryan can’t quite hear over the music as they walk outside.

“Hm?”

“Oh, nothing. It was dumb.” Jeremy shakes his head. Ryan has had enough experience to know that it was better to just leave it alone. They both wordlessly come to a stop and lean against the wall of the building a few yards from the door. Almost as if they had been working as partners for years. They spend a few minutes saying nothing, watching people on the street, looking at the stars in the sky. Ryan can’t help but study the intricacies of Jeremy, realizing that so many things have changed, but somehow almost nothing about him is different. Jeremy’s hair is just a tad bit more grown out than it ever was at the agency (also, it’s bright purple and orange, which is not exactly the most appealing color combination, but that’s a topic for another day), but he still runs his hands through it when he’s lost in thought. It’s curlier than it used to be, but maybe that’s just because it’s longer. He still clenches his jaw so hard it seems like he’s going to break his teeth when he’s scared. He still wears a tank top under his shirt, no matter how hot it is outside. His eyes still crinkle at the corners when he lets out a bark of laughter that Ryan still swears up and down sounds exactly like a squeaky toy. He’s changed, though. Ryan can see in his eyes that he’s become aware of reality. He knows the responsibility he carries, the heavy consequences that come with his actions, that death is around the corner at every moment.

“D’you- d’you want me to take you home?” Ryan says barely above a whisper, but loud enough for Jeremy to hear. “You can go back inside if you want, but I know you always used to want to go home and be alone after Edgar shows up.” Jeremy lets out the tiniest breathy chuckle.

“Edgar has always been kind of a bitch, hasn’t he?” Jeremy says as he looks away from the sky to meet Ryan’s gaze, and his heart falls apart all over again for the thousandth time. That fond look of reminiscence and joy was one Ryan donned frequently at the agency. “I- Yeah. yeah. I’d really appreciate a ride home. I’m just a little too drunk to drive, I think.”

“Alright. I parked just down the street. Penthouse or your apartment?” Ryan hadn’t even noticed that Jeremy did seem somewhat tipsy; his Boston accent slipping in occasionally and his words slurring the tiniest bit.

“Um, apartment,” Jeremy says. “D’you rem-”

“Yes, I remember where your apartment is, Jeremy.”

It’s only a few minutes into the drive to the other side of town when Jeremy pipes up. “I honestly didn’t really expect you to help me. I didn’t expect you to remember Edgar, either. I dunno why I said it, I guess just vaguely hoping you would even though it’s been, what, three years?” he pauses for a moment and just takes in Ryan's profile. “I always hope you remember things from then. I know it went to shit, but we still had so much fun. We made so many memories and did so much dumb shit there. But I’m glad that stupid fuckin’ place collapsed. All of it was complete bullshit. I just wish it all fell apart before we did.”

Ryan doesn’t know how to respond. So he doesn’t.

“All those meetings I had to stay late for? Fuckin’ useless. They served no purpose, and I don't know why I was forced to go to them. I feel like the only reason I had to go to those meetings was because someone was hiding something from me. It was obvious that so many things were kept from us.” Jeremy stops for a second to try to will away the lump rising in his throat. “I thought you were cheating on me. For the longest time. I still don’t know whether you actually were. You were always out on ‘special missions’ and shit.”

The moment Ryan hears Jeremy let out a shaky breath his heart breaks.

“Was it me? Was I not good enough? I promise I tried my hardest to be what you needed. I’m sorry if I wasn’t. All I wanted was the best for you, Ryan. Even now, I just want you to be happy. If you're happier with someone else, then that’s what I want. I don’t blame you, though. I don’t deserve someone like you. You deserve so much better than me. I would do anything for you, Rye. We were together for so long. We did everything together! I thought I was gonna marry you. I was saving up money to get a ring. I guess I was too stupid to see that you didn’t want me anymore.”

Ryan looks over to see the tears staining Jeremy’s cheeks reflecting the soft orange glow of the streetlamps. Is this really what Jeremy thinks?

“I was so in love with you, Ryan Haywood. I’m- I’m still in love with you. I love you so goddamn much it hurts sometimes. Every time I see you hurt, upset, angry, anything other than healthy and happy my heart aches. I’m sorry I wasn't enough. I promise I tried. Fuck, I tried so hard.”

With every sob Jeremy lets out, Ryan's heart breaks just a little bit more. The short distance left until Ryan pulls up to Jeremy’s apartment building is spent wordlessly. Jeremy’s clambering out of the car and reaching to grab the door when Ryan speaks.

“Hey, Jer, do you want me to walk you up? I just want to make sure you’re safe.”

“No. I’m fine. I’ll be fine. I’ve already been a pain in your ass tonight, I don't need to waste even more of your time. I’m sorry. I’m sorry about everything.” Jeremy sniffles and wipes his cheeks, giving a half-hearted smile before shutting the door and walking away.

Ryan sits there for a second, unable to process fully what he just heard. He starts driving without even knowing where he was going, and he’s so lost in his thoughts that suddenly he’s sitting in his car in front of the boardwalk along the beach and crying. He can’t believe anything he was just told—there is no way in hell that the brilliant, witty, talented Jeremy Dooley ever doubts his worth. It’s jarring to think that part of it was because of Ryan. He was going on extra missions because the agency was growing more and more demanding. For months they tormented Ryan with the threat of kicking out Jeremy. They said they’d do other things to him that Ryan doesn’t want to remember. Why did Jeremy never bring it up? Why did he just accept that Ryan had ‘moved on?’ Their lives were so intertwined with one another that Ryan never felt truly whole again. The only reason Ryan went with the break up was that he saw how distant and cold Jeremy had gotten. Ryan had assumed that, for whatever reason, Jeremy had changed his mind. He hated it, he was devastated, but he didn't know how to fix it.

Ryan decides he doesn’t want to go back to the penthouse tonight. He pulls up to the nearest crew safehouse, and suddenly things click.

Jeremy had always struggled with bad self-image and depression. He had gone to Ryan for comfort, which he was always more than willing to give. Jeremy was doing better. At least he told Ryan he was.

Jack had mentioned a while ago that when Jeremy first joined the crew, she had found him after a suicide attempt and barely left his side until he recovered. The only reason for it Jack had told Ryan about was ‘emotional trauma from a past relationship, that he didn’t really want to talk about.’

Ryan did that to him.

Ryan did that to him.

Ryan made the love of his life want to die.

The pieces left of his heart fall into more shards than there are grains of sand in this world.

He collapses onto the couch inside, too exhausted to even get to the bed. He knows he’s not going to be able to sleep, though.

To: Geoff

Dropped Jeremy off at his place, he was pretty drunk though so check on him please

To: Geoff

I’m staying at kung fu safehouse for the night