#didn't realize how bad i needed to read a fantasy it's been years now

[deadrlngers]

i will never get how ppl use books in a way that will have them fall into pieces, if my books aren't pristine i will fucking lose it so bad

[vgperson]

What Did I Do In 2023?

Whatever I wanted, mostly.

----

As I mentioned last year, my site now has an RSS feed with basically everything I've done back to 2020, so this will mainly be going over the same stuff from that, just with added context.

In January, I finally sat down and properly realized an idea for a short story I'd had sitting around for a while: From the Sidelines, about a fantasy RPG expedition going sideways. I remain very proud of it in both concept and execution, and hope people read it.

In February, Your Turn To Die was released on Steam Early Access, receiving character profiles and some bonus mini-episodes, adding two more later in the year.

After finishing From the Sidelines, I carried that momentum to revisit my Ut0p1a story series about funny computer animals. I'd always meant to continue it - and conclude it - but hadn't been satisfied with the ideas I had for it until totally rethinking them this year. In March, I posted the remaining stories one after another: Right to Code and Left to Code. I'm very proud of these as well. Also in March, Kenshi Yonezu released LADY. (Video, interview)

In April, Uri released the Data Book of the Strange Men Series, a big collection of the writing she's done on the games in the series, with a lot of new parts as well, all translated by me.

Then in May... uh, well, let's see. In April, Capcom released the Mega Man Battle Network Legacy Collection. I always adored the Battle Network games, and was initially excited that they finally did the thing... but by the time it came out, I was pretty disappointed by how, while you certainly couldn't call them low-effort ports, the effort didn't extend everywhere I thought it should, with the biggest offenders being the total absence of any "convenience features" except Buster Max Mode, the bad font, and the almost entirely untouched translations.

So, I ended up deciding I might as well just replay the originals, and that was a fun time (aside from the parts that were bad). Doing this, I couldn't help but notice how... turbulent the translations were, even if I'd always known they were less than ideal. I mean, the first two games just used periods for ellipses despite the tight character limits, then in BN3 they had an ellipsis character... but it's center-aligned, Japanese-style? Aside from the intro, which has normal ones? Gosh, somebody should fix that - it's simple enough to find and edit in YY-CHR. "JapanMan" is silly, too - I wonder if anybody made a patch for that? Wait, what do you mean there's just a tool to extract and insert text in all the Battle Network games including the Legacy Collection???

Thus began a journey that sort of occupied the rest of my year. First I did the BN3 Translation Revision, trying not to worry too much about cross-referencing the Japanese text unless something seemed wrong, so that I didn't spend too long on the project. Then I began to consider BN2, with its unfortunate "foreigner" text that would need some more significant reworking. I established more convenient tools for comparing with the Japanese script, and thus did a much more thorough job with it, releasing the BN2 Translation Revision in June (AKA Princess Pride Month).

Finally, after giving myself time to recover and actually finish replaying the series, I knew what I had to do to close things out. With the BN4 Translation Revision, you can finally play Battle Network 4 with a translation that isn't such a mess. Whether you'd want to is for you to decide, though if you can get over the structure, I don't think it's the worst game in the series by any means. (Oh, and in December I also updated the BN3 Revision to 1.1, doing a thorough pass with the methods I'd honed. But I think I'm pretty much good on MMBN translations now.)

Anyway, backtracking to other things that happened during my Battle Network haze... June had Kenshi Yonezu's Moongazing (video, interview), and July had Globe (video, interview, interview).

Last but not least, released in November, I translated Refind Self: The Personality Test Game, a short game from Lizardry (creator of 7 Days to End with You) with a fun concept.

----

Obviously I was right to have said "no promises" last year. But really, Your Turn To Die should get its final part on Steam sometime next year, maybe even early-ish in it. That's certainly the goal.

I'm also hoping to buckle down and finish one of my own games, but as usual, who knows how that'll pan out. Letting my whims carry me this year let me finally finish From the Sidelines and Ut0p1a, which was great, and it also led me down a Battle Network rabbit hole, which was... fine, but definitely for a narrower audience. I'd always like to get back to more free game translations and the like, too, but it takes effort to find things I'd want to translate. For now, I think my increasing desire to be able to let loose some of these original games I've been planning, and the stories in them, might come out on top.

[indigosabyss]

Call Back A Warning: Modern Day Senku

Research everything. Test everything. Replicate replicate replicate.

For most of his life, Senku had been painfully aware of how little he knew. Humanity had spent centuries and centuries compiling information, and some of it was correct, a lot of it was wrong but based on good science, and even more were wrong and based on bad science.

His life began as a game of catch up, sorting through information, figuring out what was reliable and correct, charting the mountains of progress humanity had made before he was even out of diapers.

And during that time, scientific discovery continued its relentless march forward, uncaring of whether one person understood it all.

Senku had thought he was fine with that. He could focus on both the cutting edge of science, and the historical truths that had led up to those discoveries.

He had not expected for the world to change quite so drastically in his time.

Or that he'd get a front-row seat to it.

Time travel, Xeno had confided to him, with a curious look at him.

A catastrophe of some sort, Byakuya had explained further, hugging Senku exceptionally close when he landed in America.

Thousands upon thousands of years from the future, an Ishigami Senku claimed to be calling them.

The same Ishigami Senku who was right now being let into the mission room where the Phone To The Future was installed.

"Yo." Senku tapped the microphone, "These guys are saying you're me. How aren't you completely calcified after thirty seven centuries?"

The connection was crackly as hell, but the dry laugh was unmistakable, "Funnily enough, I was petrified for most of that time." His voice, approximately a fifth of an octave lower than Senku's own, came from the speakers, "You didn't read the briefing? The mentalist worked hard on it."

"Some kind of Futurama ass shit." Senku replied with a yawn, "Of course a junk Mentalist wrote that, it sounded like a summary of a wish fulfillment power fantasy."

More laughter, "God, I was such an asshole."

"You still are!" Another voice called out from the other end.

"Shut up, man." Old-Man-Senku shoved something – probably the other speaker, "So, how about it? You're at the same level I was when the Petrification happened, so I can confidently say you can handle some robot parasites. All we need is for you to agree."

Senku thought on it carefully.

"I don't know what you're talking about. I don't even know a billionth of the things there are in the world. Just a rando really."

"And I've realized that that's what anyone is. You have a specialization for this field, though, and we could use it." Old-Man-Senku's voice was droll, "So, how about it?"

He was just fishing to see what kind of person he would hypothetically grow up to be. The answer was already decided the second he heard the situation.

"I'm gonna get to go to space, as soon as possible, right? So there wasn't a millimeter of doubt that I'd be going."

A scientist leaned over to whisper to someone behind him, "Wait, we're letting a fifteen year old onto a rocket ship???"

[oliver-quick-ens-my-pulse]

Sign of the Times

Ominis Gaunt x Reader

Summary - Anon request for "ominis family kidnaps you and tortures u cause idk why maybe bc ur muggleborn or something"

Word Count - 2,130

Warnings - angst, violence

A/N - maybe room here for a more comforting type part 2? thoughts?

For Ominis, Hogwarts had been much more eventful than he had wished it to be. He thought it could help him escape from home, but with everything that had happened 5th year he didn't think it could possibly get worse.

The bright side was that it was also somehow the best year for him because he met you. He hadn't been looking for any kind of new relationship, but you fell right into his lap.

A lot of students avoided him altogether either because of his lineage or his blindness, but not you. You paraded in late to the sorting ceremony, knocked Sebastian on his ass although you were really just on your first year, then walked right up to him and introduced yourself.

You did everything you could to guide Sebastian the right way and when he wouldn't listen you would be there for Ominis. He would make himself sick with worry when Sebastian would lie to the both of you and go off to doomed quests.

His favorite thing was when you would nestle up with him and read muggle stories. He always got a laugh out of the more innocent fairytales for children with their fantasies of how magic worked. You were able to make him feel better and learn new things all at once.

It was year 6 when things came to fruition between the pair of you. Ominis was alone in the Undercroft again. He was sad beyond belief about the whole situation with the Sallows. He had come to realize he cared for you deeply, he was pretty sure he loved you, but you couldn't replace Sebastian. Some days it felt too much for him to bear, at least too much to do it alone.

You found him slumped against a wall, silent tears on his face. You could tell it was bad because he didn't even acknowledge that you had shown up. You sat down with your legs crisscrossed in front of him, wrapping your arms around his drawn up knees to rest your head.

For a few moments you just sat in silence together, Ominis treasured that you gave him moments like this; moments to not be alone, but to steal just a few more moments of peace before he had to face reality.

You spoke up first to take the burden off of him, "Ominis, I know no matter what I am to you, I'll never be any of them. I didn't grow up with you and have years to make innocent memories."

He traced patterns over the back of your hand as you continued, "I want to start, though. I want to put as much of these things behind us as we can. I'm happy to be your rock whenever you need, however often you need to talk about these things, but I do want to help you enjoy life again. I promise I won't ever leave you."

You were smiling at him softly with adoration, wishing nothing more than to erase all the bad things he'd endured in such a short time. He kept his eyes on you, deep in thought for several moments before slowly deciding to close the gap between the two of you, to finally cross that line.

He found your cheek with his palm and drew you close, pressing soft lips to yours, willing you to understand all the things he didn't have words for. He pulled away enough to speak, leaning his forward against yours and his voice was barely a whisper, "You really promise?"

Now, in your 7th year, nearing the end of your education, you both were looking forward to so much. Neither of you could wait to taste the freedom of making a home where nobody could find you, using magic as much or as little as you wanted, even going out into the muggle world because why not?

You met up during a free period in the court yard, enjoying the scents of Spring. He sat pressed into your side, never overly affection in public, but always being sure to touch you in some way.

"Which class are you going to miss skipping the most, Y/N?" You gave him a playful whack, shaking your head as he grinned at you.

"Thank you very much, I have been to all of my classes this year except for when I've been sick," you huffed, pretending to be angry.

"Besides, I've been keeping myself busy and surrounded to avoid any run-ins with your absolutely insane family."

Ominis felt a pit in his stomach at your words. He couldn't wait to run away with you, but for now you were just a sitting duck to their threats. He assumed other families must have told his, which he thought was ridiculous that any of them cared enough. He assumed their lives were just too boring.

His family had threatened Ominis with the idea of hurting you, torturing you as they loved to do with anyone who wasn't a pureblood. He stood his ground with them, though. He made it clear that if they dared to do anything, he would personally ensure consequences. It was one of the reasons he worked as hard as he did to be a good wizard; he had to protect you.

"I really think for now their threats are empty," he lied, "they just want me to be afraid and miserable and if they think I am that's really enough for them." He didn't want you to worry or know how much he kept an eye on you in secret.

You shuffled to grab your bag, sighing in annoyance before placing a chaste kiss on his lips, "Well, even if they aren't just promise you'll forgive me for whatever I have to do to them?"

You winked although he couldn't see it as you pushed back his hair. He grabbed your hips to pull you closer, nearly knocking you over before murmuring, "Maybe I can find a way to reward you instead?"

You playfully slapped his hands away before running off, "Ominis. I have a class that I don't attend to go to!"

He smiled in spite of himself as you left before a worried look came over his features. Every day you remained at Hogwarts felt like a day in a jail cell for Ominis.

You were on your way to Advanced Divination, guard down thinking about how cute Ominis was when he let himself open up to being silly. Then suddenly your lights were just out. Everything was dark for what seemed like seconds and then you came to at some place you didn't recognize.

You found yourself in a what seemed to be a cave. It wasn't well lit, but there were candles around. As you sat up from the cool floor, scanning the room with caution, you saw faces you didn't recognize. You didn't need to in order to understand what was going on. It was the Gaunts.

You felt quickly for your wand just to realize it was no longer on your person. You couldn't keep your mouth shut as you scanned over them; Mr. and Mrs. Gaunt at a makeshift table as if preparing to watch a show while Marvolo roused from his seat upon seeing you awake.

"So you're cowards? I'm so much lesser than you and yet I can't have my wand to prove otherwise?" You stood up tall, adrenaline pumping as you were determined to not show them weakness.

Marvolo practically snarled at you as his parents watched in amusement, "It would be a pitiful sight as much as it would be a disgrace," he spat at you as he walked closer.

You threw your hands in the air, slightly amused when all 3 of them flinched as they were aware you had this ancient magic nobody really knew about, "Well, that's fine. I know you can't kill me, there would be too many repercussions that I daresay you lot can't afford. Ominis and I will be long gone for you to never worry about again in a few months so give me your worst."

You swallowed thickly upon finishing your sentence, knowing you were stalling what was to come your way. All you could hope was that Ominis noticed you were gone quickly enough to keep your sanity.

The word crucio flew threw the air so fast that you could at least pretend you didn't hear it. The minute the sparks hit you a scream left your mouth, you fell to your knees. You could hear your heartbeat and your blood rushing through your veins, it all felt like it was boiling.

You clutched helpless at your face, your arms, any of your exposed skin, clawing at it as if tearing it of would make the pain go away. Every movement, every breath, every ounce of your existence was filled with searing agony. As you wriggled and clench your fingernails against the cave floors you just kept the shade of Ominis' eyes in your mind.

You couldn't think to form thoughts or daydreams, you couldn't commit to thinking about him and your future together, but you could remember the cloudy blue eyes that got you through the worst days of your life you'd yet to experience. And you just hoped the could get you threw this one too.

The Gaunts taunted you with words you couldn't even understand as Marvolo flung you about, every once of rage at your insults pouring into the spell.

Suddenly, things seemed a little bit quieter. Your body felt like every bone had snapped, like you had been forced to run a mile per second for hours, but you could hear your own sobs and labored breathing. You were still in the throes of pain and panic, but nothing was intensifying any longer.

You couldn't process your surroundings as Ominis lifted you carefully from the floor, murmuring your name hoping that any time would be the time you answer him back.

He had run into Garreth in the lavatory where he was immediately confused to be asked why you didn't make it; after you had bragged about your attendance all year.

Ominis rushed passed him, his wand ready to guide him wherever you were with the aid of a charmed locket he had given you. As badly as he wanted to rush to you, he barged into headmistress Weasley's office to tell her what was going. He knew where you were, what was happening, and he trusted her from your relationship to know she would spring into action when headmaster Black wouldn't.

He stormed in with a fury, knowing help would be on his tail. He disarmed his brother and flung them all to the floor. None of them had every seen violence from him, that hellfire in his eyes. They were really too curious to look away as several aurors filled the cavern, manhandling magic restraints onto them.

Ominis felt ready to pass out himself as he heard your continued whimpers and understood much too well what you were going through. He was scared out of his mind that you wouldn't come back to him.

Things went dark again for you, but it wasn't just black this time. You could hear Ominis' soothing voice reading to you. You could see him running his fingers over the braille pages, eyes closed as he read a story the two of you often joked about.

As your eyelids fluttered, you reached up a hand to rub them and found that Ominis really was there. He heard your movement and was immediately kneeling by your side on the sofa.

Your hand drooped across your face, you regretted the movement the second you had made it, "Son of a -"

"I know," he interrupted. He rested a hand carefully over yours, "I unfortunately do know."

He sounded so sad. As memories of everything that had happened flooded you all at once you let out a painful breath, "Ominis. It's not your fault."

You lulled your head to look at him, wishing you could move enough to embrace him. "I was only able to take it by having you to live for."

"It only happened to you because you have me." His voice was flat and dejected.

You knew it wasn't the time to be sad or cry or talk about the fear. It wouldn't help anyways since it was all done with except for the lingering pain.

You mustered every bit of strength you had left to bring a hand to his cheek, forcing his gaze towards you.

"You should have seen their faces when I called them poor." Ominis groaned at you and buried his face in your palm, but he knew you were beaming at him with pride.

[doodlesdreaming]

Shin Megami Log 4(After Game Thoughts)

Finished SMT V during Christmas, and I have THOUGHTS.

I'm gonna put all that under the 'Read More' bit, so if any of you are interested in this game, then scroll past and no peeking.

Right then, final thoughts:

Brief history lesson first, I knew very little about the SMT series or the spin-offs like Persona. Of course, with how incredibly successful Persona 5 is, it's hard to miss any sort of info. But even then, my knowledge of the entire franchise was very limited. All I know is that it's basically the "Dark Souls" of RPGs with character driven stories that have of ingredients than a Final Fantasy title. At least, that was the vibe I was getting.

But even then, I never have been interested enough to want to give any of the games a try. I did get Persona Q2 back when I first heard of the 3DS dying out, but it mostly because I didn't want a Persona game with Joker's face on it to be forever lost. Weird I know, but that was my train of thought, at the time. But after clearing the first boss(and realizing that prior knowledge of Persona 5's story is an absolute must) I got bored and haven't touched the game since.

Fast forward a few years later, when Shin Megami Tensei Nocturne was announced with a HD port to current gen consoles. I was genuinely excited by the announcement. This meant that if I ever decided to give Nocturne a try, it'll be alot easier for me to do so now. Then after that came the biggest surprise of all; Shin Megami Tensei V.

Now this....this caught my attention. Though I can't really explain why. Was it the character designs? The gorgeous looking world? "D" all of the above? All I can say is that something 'clicked' and I was very interested. Even though it would take two years later until I actually got it.

And I'm so glad I did.

I was invested right from the start. From the silent "show don't tell" protagonist, all the way to Lufcier himself, the story, even with its swiss cheese holes in plot at some points, had me hooked from start to finish. The combat never got boring. I was constantly thinking of strategies and building up my demons that suited my needs and my playstyle. The world was incredibly fun to explore, even though the lighting choices, in some areas, made my eyes strain a bit. It would take me up til the big boss of the area for me to finally adjust.

And the bread and butter of it all, The Law and Chaos mechanics. A stable, I've come to understand, in the SMT series. Yet an important take away from all this is that nothing is as black and white as it seems on the surface. SMT is a franchise that makes you think. It makes you question yourselves and you inner most thoughts. And SMT V had me rolling in so many thoughts, that when I reached the 'alignment lock' of the game, I had to take a break because I was starting to get overwhelmed.

Of course, this could very well be a really weird quirk of mine. But when I get into a really good story, I REALLY get into it. And the choices I make would impact the ending I would get.

By all accounts, the Law ending would naturally mean the good ending, right? Well sure...if you can live with a Law that discriminates all other forms of thinking(a.e. free will), will not hesitate to punish they see as 'unfit' and the willingness to become corrupt yourself, just to prove a point. Sure. Law is the way to go.

The Chaos ending usually entails victory for the bad guys. And yet, there really isn't a clear "villain" in this case, other then the absolute obvious ones(f you Lamau). In Chaos, there is diversity, the freedom to choice your fate, to be yourself. And yet with so many possibilities, there will be disagreements, arguments of what is right and wrong, and power competing against power. No one really wins, and there is constant strife. But hope is just as abundant, with the capability that anything is possible.

The Neutral ending is well...the Neutral ending. You don't pick a side. You're that little kid that asks, "Why not both?" A balance of law and chaos. So understandably this would the best choice. Yes...except the neutral path follows a man who has been brought down low by both law and chaos. He lost everything precious to him, to the point where he belittles his fellow man if they show any sort of weakness. So the solution? Make humanity the leading power of the universe, but take away every viture and sin that exists in the heart and soul. And by extension, all the angels and demons in existence. Never to be even a story told by campfire light because it would never be allowed to cross through the mind. Humans would be free of woe and fear, and grow abundant in their everyday lives. But will it truly last?

You could probably guess which ending I ended up getting. And quite honestly, I'm satisfied with it. Plus it lines up perfectly with my ever growing headcanons of the Nahobino. So I'm taking it as a win.

I honestly can not recommend SMT V, especially if you're like me who enjoys a good rpg that I can sink my teeth into. It has it flaws, yes. But they feel so small that it doesn't really bother me. Some of them I can just 'fix' with good old imagination. And it's definitely inspired me to play Nocturne next, for sure. But first, I want to see if I can beat the Demi Fiend himself in combat....

There's so much more I'd like to talk about, but I think I rambled long enough.

The main takeaway? I LOVE THIS GAME. Definitely gonna be alot of fanart for sure. And I'm gonna get my hands on some merch when I can. It probably won't exceed my growing Darksiders collection, but it might come close in time, lol.

The other main takeaway from all this is that I get it now. I get the appeal and why this series is standing as strong as it is. HEE-HO!!!

[multifamdomfan]

Hi, if requests are still open and if you still write for Hamilton could I request an imagine where the fem!reader was Alex’s wife, they met and fell in love during the Winter's ball. And, she first met him when she was in the war (dressed as a man) but Alex never knew it was her until he found out himself. And maybe has a near-death experience fighting in a duel for any reason you want. And years later, she maybe becomes a lawyer/statesman or whatever as long as she's not a housewife and she finds out Alex had an affair and she like goes to Laurens for comfort but he ends up confessing he has loved her since day one when they met at the Winter's ball but saw she was so much happier with Alex (and it's kind of like an Angelica situation.) and how he would have never if he knew that was what Alex was going to do to her. And finally, he asked her to be with him. Also, could you please make the reader Washington's adopted daughter? I know it's a lot but even if you don't do it, thank you for just reading it. I just kinda wanted a lot of angst followed by fluff but since I can't stand the thought of having been with some who cheated on me and didn't love me, could you please make Alex still love the reader but realize if he wanted her to be happy, he would have to let her go and as soon as the Reader is thinking "You know what? I should forgive." He just dies. I feel bad for the Reader, not gonna lie. Thank you again. <33

Prompts: "May I have this dance?" (Hamilton to Reader) "Shit, are you bleeding?!" (Hamilton to Reader) “You need to leave. Right now.” (Reader to Hamilton) “You need to let her go.” (Anyone who seems right to Hamilton) "Those things you said yesterday… Did you mean them?" (Laurens to Reader) But hey, it’s up to you, I'm just giving suggestions on what I was thinking.

Note: And yes, in my fantasy world, Laurens doesn't die and is still alive in Act II.

😮😍 I love this request! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I hope you don't mind but I'm turning this into a two part.

warning: angst,character death,cheating

Why does love hurt so much? Pt. 1

I was reading my book in my room when my dad, George Washington, knocked gently against the door. Well if you want to get technical he's my adoptive dad. My biological parents when I was young and was sent to the orphanage when George and his wife ,Martha, adopted me. I closed my book and put it down and called out "Come in!" When Dad came in I immediately knew that something was wrong. He was fiddling with his hands and his eyes cast down onto the floor looking frantic. "What is it father?"

"Y/N I need to tell you something," I looked at him curiously while Dad was looking like he was trying to find the right words to say. "There is really no way to say this but I'm going to go to war." He said this quickly and nervously watching to see how I'll react.I didn't respond, not at first I looked at him with a blank expression trying to comprehend what he just said.

"What?" He remained silent like he was waiting for me to tell, scream, or do something. "Let me come with you, I can help!"

"No! You're not coming, it's too dangerous."

"But you're going! You will be there to look after me and you taught me to use a gun since I was ten!"

"I won't always be there to look after you, I couldn't live with myself if something happened to you. Just promise me that you won't follow me."

I sighed in defeat "I promise." Dad came up to me and hugged me. I hugged back thinking about how I lied to his face.

I put my hair that's now shoulder length and tied my hair up. I looked down at myself with my uniform on with bandages over my breast to flatten them out. I nodded at my reflection in approval before walking out of my tent. My dad found out that I was pretending to be a man to fight in the war immediately but he kept my secret.

I approached my friends Lafayette, Hercules, John, and Alexander. We became friends quickly, and no. They have no idea that I'm a woman and plan to keep it that way. There is one problem, I developed a crush on one of the four men. It's Alex, I couldn't help it. He's passionate, smart, and kind. "Hey James!" Hercules called over to me.

Yes James is the name that I chose because it was my biological dad's name. "Hi." I responded, lowering my voice and octive to keep from sounding too feminine. I sat next to Alexander and joined in on the conversation before we heard a loud noise. We all turned our heads to see what it was. It was the red coats, we sprung into action grabbing our guns.

There was death all around us with an overwhelming smell of blood but we had to keep moving I killed a couple men before they could kill me first. Then I was a man aiming for Alexander about to shoot, without thinking I shoved him out of the way and took the bullet. All I could hear was a distant yelling at the word "James!" He quickly rushed over and got in my field of vision. "Shit, you're bleeding."

"You need to leave. Right now." I responded not wanting him to find out. Alex ignored what I said and ripped my shirt off and saw the bandages being soaked with blood. He looked shocked at first but knew it wasn't the time to talk about it and used my shirt to apply pressure to the wound and rushed me to the medics.

[blysse-and-blunder]

in lieu of a commonplace book

saturday, jan 27, 2024

*brennan lee mulligan voice* heeeeeeeelllllllllllllloooooooOOOOOOOOO one and all and welcome back for another thrilling episode of...whatever this is. thank you for being here.

It's 2024! Say hi, intrepid heroes!

reading recently finished:

-orwell's roses by rebecca solnit (audio) - glad I listened, ultimately very gratifying - history, criticism, extremely lush garden-filled prose and love for growing things - nona the ninth by tamsyn muir - felt so much about [redacted] it made me cry. i can unblock ALL THE TAGS NOW - the blue sword by robin mckinley (audio) - catching up on old school fantasy continues -when the angels left the old country by sacha lamb (audio) - beautiful. not not in conversation with good omens but doing something different.

recently begun: -the ministry of the future by kim stanley robinson - can't decide if it's a scifi novel or a policy brief about ways to combat climate change- reading on my mom's recommendation -babel: an arcane history by r.f.kuang - withholding judgment, but i know you probably want me to hate it and so far i don't, really! to my own surprise -the shadow of the wind by carlos ruiz zafrón (audio) - spooky, post-modern but incredibly good at sounding like it is of the time it depicts. many thoughts on the audio book narrator's accent work, most favorable -one corpse too many by ellis peters. wild that i have only just begun reading the cadfael mysteries

listening last week was about discovering and putting on continuous loop the group trousdale on the recommendation of @m2pixie (!) and other trusted friends; the energy, the harmonies! they fill a girl group void i didn't realize i had, it feels like the best kind of throwback, like old chicks or something, some desperately needed bops. exhibit a: bad blood.

today my daylist introduced me to joy oladokun and i'm so glad it did. love her vibe, love this cover art. had to take a picture of my desk, the visuals were so satisfying.

watching the newest series of netflix's lupin!! so far i'm really, really enjoying where this season has been spending most of its time-- the new characters, the new heists, the new stakes. especially fun to watch with friends where we can all shout about the mrs doubtfire of it all, the betrayals, the misdirection, the 'he can't keep getting away with this!.' the original lupin series will always bring back memories of watching it in early lockdown; i'm glad that there's this now to think about and remember instead.

playing hollow knight hollow knight hollow kniiiiiiight. bought it a few months ago when it was on sale, after hanging out and watching @dimir-charmer stream for us a bit, but playing it yourself is a different game. i'm having a blast. it's becoming a problem. i'm having to be so so good and mature in how much i let myself just get suckered in to a full day spent in my little buggy maze adventures. the temptation to keep going until i've made a meaningful advancement of some kind (today: got the longer nail! last time: beat hornet! saved zote the mighty, got the baldur shell charm, and beat the gruz mother!) is very, very real. have also gotten around this by listening to lots of lo-fi hollow knight beats to relax and study to while being 'productive.'

(found this screenshot online, and holy extra health batman)

making pancakes. lots and lots of weekend pancakes. sent a bunch of mail since new year's, and have some new arts and crafts (charcoal pencils!! those little paper cone blender guys! better paper) to fuck around with next time i want to get ~artistic. watch this space.

working on teaching is so all-consuming. it's great, i love it. the course (maps class! if you see that tag, this is that) is going well, i think! first three lectures down. the students i've gotten to know i really like, the material has yet to get old (see one - do one - teach one is so real. i understand this class now, finally, in a way i don't think i did just being the TA, even after three times). it takes so much longer to just copy-paste-change color and font on slides than it should! i've regularly been getting four-five hours of sleep on monday nights before teaching on tuesdays, but it has meant that i don't have the brain space to be self-conscious while i'm 'on', i just. go. having fun selecting teaching 'fits, having (less) fun handling all the students who joined in the second or third week and need help with catching up, but it's not their fault there was a waiting list and lots of turnover.

(petrus roselli - portolan chart of the mediterranean, 1466)

non-teaching: - student letter of recommendation for dental school (DONE) - conference panel proposal (due 1/31) -submit revised conference paper for that prize (due 1/30) -send draft of grant application to A for her to be able to write a letter of recommendation (due IMMEDIATELY WHY ARE YOU ON TUMBLR) (you have until 2/15 to fix it but she needs the draft!) -chapter 3 edits (lmao) -read for that other course you're meant to be the TA for (oops) - give i. feedback on her thing (tonight) -RAship hours (c'mon these are actually paid work, please do them)

[quiet-admirer]

Re: healthier variety in feedist fics

How did you escape the shame cycle that helps you enjoy feedist fics that don't essentially boil down to, "hey, everything's okay, gaining weight did not make you unattractive, unhealthy or a bad person, you don't deserve to hate yourself because you're fat" ?

I don't engage in a lot of fics myself, but I've been some level of fat my whole life and struggling with restrictive ED recovery for the last few years. I don't know how to stop telling myself that I just wanted an excuse to be fat without feeling guilty about it, which only makes me feel more guilty about my body and being into feedism. I would be grateful for any advice you might be willing to share.

If I understand right, you're asking about how to enjoy angsty fics without internalizing fatphobic or kink-shamey messages?

I wrote my entire tmi life story below, but the Too Long, Didn't Read of it is that I went to therapy and also had a long, several-years break from angst and shame fantasies and took that time to focus on my own shame about this kink in general before I was able to engage in it in fiction, so now there's a gap between the fictional shame and my own, making it more easily separable in my head and they don't entangle and reinforce each other as easily.

And because I'm incurably wordy, the Too Long of it goes under a cut:

But for me, the way my journey worked itself out isn't what I would necessarily endorse honestly! As a teen and young adult, most of my feedism fantasies were "guy is super depressed and binge eats and gets fat and is distressed about it, partner still loves him and he accepts it and gains more weight." I was definitely trying to process shame about having a weight gain kink: I needed the characters to feel guilty about their weight and then become more neutral or okay with it almost like an atonement - well they're fat and gaining weight but it's ok because they're not happy about it at least!

As I was exposed to body positivity and then eventually fat liberation, I started feeling super guilty about these fantasies and told myself they were wrong because there's nothing shameful about being fat and I shouldn't fantasize about distress and internalized fatphobia like that. I felt bad and a little stupid when I realized that there was that dynamic of "atoning for" my fetish in my fantasies.

My reaction was to avoid fiction with similar themes of shame altogether and to stop fantasizing about these scenarios. In a way it was helpful to put my total focus on other themes and ways of viewing feedism and other tropes, like a bootcamp of sorts. I think I really did need a long break from shame-focused narratives. It made me anxious reading those tropes by that point and there wasn't any fun anymore because all it did was echo what was already in my head that was causing me distress.

But distancing myself from those narratives was unfortunately also paired with labeling that genre of trope as bad or backward or "problematic." I had the mentality that it was just people projecting their shame and I had "evolved beyond that."

There can often be an undercurrent in soft feedist spaces of an attitude like "well I'm a good feedist and fat liberationist unlike Those Feedists who are ignorant about fat liberation and are into degradation or shame kinks, which they wouldn't have if they were enlightened like us" and there was definitely a brief time where I felt that way, even if I probably wouldn't have admitted it at the time lol. I thought that if I was actually committed to fat liberation I wouldn't be thinking up or enjoying stories about unintentional weight gain that causes distress!

But there's nothing wrong with fantasy. There's nothing wrong with enjoying angst or shame it degradation in your sexual fantasies or play!

In the past 4 years or so it's been a slow process of breaking out of those mental barriers. If I'm in the mood to read something angsty, I should get to do that without beating myself up about it! And I like angst in all kinds of fiction! I love the hurt-comfort trope in vanilla fiction, so what makes it bad suddenly once it's about feedism?

And there is something to be said for narratives about working through shame to self-love, especially when we have more variety in the way self-love is achieved that doesn't always end up just mimicking fatphobic dynamics in the way the self acceptance happens (like if the feedee/gainer accepts themselves without input from a thin feeder/encourager for exmple!). Those can often be healing to read for sure!

What really helped me the most though was seeing other people in the feedist community that I really respected and who discussed and promoted fat liberation in the community who shared a variety of their fantasies and fiction, some of which included those themes that I had made taboo in my head. 20/20 hindsight makes it obvious, but I had a realization that oh! You can be a committed fat liberationist and enjoy whatever you want in kinky play! The messaging that "there are no thought crimes" and "kill the cop in your head" also helped me.

Another healing process for me was writing my own fiction. I challenged myself to write something with zero shame about kinks or fatness in it. I was still in the "I'm not allowed to enjoy shame dynamics" stage when I started my current ongoing fic in 2020, and it was kind of shocking to me to find that I had to rewrite the first 3 chapters a literal six times before I weeded out all the shame. I think it was an important step for me to separate my actual shame from fictional shame.

I also had therapy with an incredible kink-knowledgeable sex therapist for about 2 years where I worked on just being able to give myself freedom to fantasize and self actualize about this kink to my fullest extent without holding myself back and without withholding pleasure and connection within myself and with others. It's an ongoing process for sure, but I've come so far from starting therapy in 2020 and crying every single therapy session, and without even saying what my kink actually was until probably a month or so in!

I still don't engage in shame dynamics in fiction very much. I've probably read a handful of angst fics in the past 2-3 years. I have to be in the mood, and I still sometimes come out of immersion in the story by distancing myself with thoughts like "you don't actually believe this in real life, this is just for fun". I guess it's good messaging to give myself but I think it's a step along the process to just being able to enjoy it when I feel like it without having to reassure myself that I'm not a bad person for reading it.

And then other times it can be activating for my own shame so I stop and revisit it another time. It happens!

I don't know if I'm ready to have my own fantasies and stories that I make up with the shame dynamics still. Or maybe it's less that I'm not ready and more that they just aren't a focus of my kink right now. I dunno, I'm having fun with what I'm working on mentally right now, which is opening myself to exploring more of the weirder shit, so exploring shame stuff isn't as much a priority for me right now.

.

.

As far as eating disorder stuff, that sucks and I'm sending good + healing vibes. That was a journey for me too, though I was only chubby for a few years as a kid and didn't have any gaining desires myself until recently, so I don't have much personal directly relevant insight there unfortunately.

For me it was more like torturing myself over the fact that I was supposedly body positive/a fat liberationist/loved and respected fat people/found fat people hot and liked seeing fat people get fatter and yet had a restrictive ed myself and a fear of gaining weight. I felt like such a a hypocrite, but like, brains, man. Eating disorders.

A lot of times with the vague eating disorder thoughts that do come up, I have a "maybe and what about it?" approach. "Not exercising and your weight caused your chronic pain" - "even if that was true, who cares? I just do my PT and I feel better regardless of what caused it." "People are going to judge you because you gained weight, they're going to make all these assumptions about you because your body changed" - "maybe, sure, but who gives a fuck."

So "You're just gaining to give yourself an excuse to be fat" can be responded to like "okay, why not, I can gain weight for whatever reason I want, didn't ask + cope."

Instead of spending time reasuring myself that people don't care what I look like or that there's poor evidence for a causal relationship between weight and chronic pain, I just bypass all that with a "so?" Maybe a gentler approach would work better for you but personally I'm like that "silence, liberal" crab with the laser eyes.

EDs can twist your thoughts and make you think and believe all kinds of shit that you don't actually believe and that don't align with your values. To me almost literally feels like [unreality cw] there's a virus separate from myself that implants thoughts into my brain and distorts my perceptions, like a break from reality almost. It's so weird honestly, the other day I was like "what if I stopped eating cheese" and I was like... "why...? Sounds potentially reasonable but tell me more... 🤔" And it took me 3 days of the cheese thought popping into my head to be like "oh, I am feeling not in control of my body because of chronic illness progression, therefore I am trying to alter my food to feel in control again." It's like it overrides anything obvious and reasonable in my brain and makes me think silly things from The ED Dimension from time to time lol.

Basically what I'm trying to say is, you don't have to listen to those kinds of thoughts or entertain them at all as reflecting your own moral code or beliefs. And you don't have to beat yourself up as being a bad person for having ED thoughts that are shitty about fatness and feedism. You can let those thoughts happen anyway and acknowledge that they have no weight or value to you.

You might not be able to stop your brain from firing bullets at you, but you're Neo and you're dodging them 😎

Far easier said than done, but it can totally be a fake it til you make it mentality along the way.

But anyway, that's just my 47 cents, and it sounds like fat-knowledgeable eating disorder therapy could still be helpful for you if that's something you're able to access!

[letters-to-rosie]

okay, now I'm gonna tell a story

I write original fiction. nothing's published yet, but I'd like for it to be in the future. a few years ago, I was living with family and working part-time in the worst of the pandemic. so, I decided, I could use this extra time to work on a book draft

I finished the draft, and naturally, I gave it to my mom to read. she had a lot of fun with it and encouraged me. but there was just this one thing that was bothering her

she noticed that the character with the least Anglophone name, who was also described as having dark skin, had something bad happen to them in the middle of the story. she recognized that it made sense to be that character; they were capable, and something happening to them made things more dangerous for the rest of the characters and raised the stakes, in addition to creating emotional drama. the character was rescued by the end of the story. it all ended well

but my mom couldn't shake that feeling.

at first, I was so frustrated. not at my mom, of course. I knew what she said was true, and I respected her feedback. I just wasn't sure what to do to fix it. and I still haven't fixed it to this day

I felt like I, whose life has been shaped by racism in a great number of ways, ought to know better. every time I looked back at my draft, all I could see was this one glaring issue in a text where I had tried to be so careful. I felt like I had failed

I tried to shake off the self-pity, mostly because I didn't find it very productive. the book still needs work, mostly because I made some pretty major changes to the world. but when I go back to it? I gotta fix that thing my mom pointed out

it was a moment of the unconscious slipping into my fantasy world. a large part of what's so special about fantasy to me is it gives us a chance to imagine our world might be different. it reminds us that history is contingent; that any structure that's been built up, no matter how old, can be taken down; that the future isn't foreclosed; that we can love and relate to characters whose circumstances are so different than ours but feel so much the same

I have a chance to challenge my unconscious. when I made the post about Ekko being coded as a black man (and, importantly, the only member of the main cast who is) who gets shot by the police and why it didn't quite sit right with me, I believe I was looking at someone else's unconscious

it's this one thing in a text that tries very deliberately to be careful about race, one place where it feels like it didn't quite connect. that's why it stands out. the show's handling of race, as I've said elsewhere, can help us realize how contingent (read: fake) race is. and taking away its fixity gives people the power to change it

so for Ekko to be put in a situation it feels like black men can't escape breaks that feeling. it means we have more to do and think about, just like I did a few years back. we'll survive it

[theeccentricraven]

My Writing Journey

I'm still writing my NaNoWriMo Novel in late March, with April right around the corner. Almost 200,000 words now.

How did I get here?

I chose to be a writer when I was eleven. By the time I was eighteen, I had three incomplete novels, a thick packet of writing notes, and a long list of story ideas I wanted to write before I died. I also had a short attention span that I can blame on my ADHD and ASD, a declining love for reading due to required school reading, and competition with distractions like the internet/social media. I was able to devote a good deal of my spare time on my prize WIP, a unique fantasy titled The Keeper of Maralla. I didn't spend as much time writing as I should have. My writing confidence was low. After I earned my first bachelor's degree in Child Development, several amazing things happened. First, I worked briefly as a custodian (aka janitor or caretaker depending on what part of the world you're in) when I got the idea for my current primary WIP, The Blood Cleaners. At that time, I thought TBC would be an urban fantasy. A few years later, I realized the story worked best as a post-apocalyptic dystopia. I personally feel that you don’t find the stories; the stories find you. Such was the case with TBC. Then, in 2008, I won my first NaNoWriMo when I wrote the first draft of The Star House Club, an MG/YA urban fantasy. It meant the world to me when I finally had a complete novel in my hands, even if the writing was really bad. My next complete novel was finished in 2009, a Christian historical fiction novel called Miriam and Yosef. Then, from 2010 to 2011, I wrote my first really long novel, my sci-fi first contact story called Columbus Day. It was 170,000 words long! The best part was when I wrote my first complete second draft by rewriting Columbus Day. I saw how rewriting really can make things better, even if only a little better. It was also at this time that I earned my second bachelor's degree. I earned my post-baccalaureate degree in English. Then, things kind of shattered. I lost all of my confidence in my writing. I almost gave up completely. I also stopped reading. I've learned that the less you read, the worse your writing is. I went nearly a decade without reading and writing. There were some pluses that happened during that time, such as getting a technical writing job with my current employer. For the most part, I had little ambition and few goals. That was until early 2023, I experienced some epiphanies. I went through some religious/spiritual experiences that allowed me to realize I was meant to be a writer. I needed to get my ideas down on paper before I died or else the world would never know them. I opened up my old writing notes to get to work. I thought about which of my WIP's I would make my primary WIP. It was hard when I felt passionate about a half dozen of them, knowing I would regret failing to finish and publish either. I was hit hard with reality when insomnia hit me. I had been in denial about my need to read. Just as I had to get back to writing, I had to get back to reading. I wanted to say I had read enough and needed to spend time writing. When I discovered reading was the best medicine for insomnia, I realized what I needed to do for both my physical health and writing health. I read about 15 books in 2023. The more I read, the better my writing got. My best read was Scott Westerfeld’s Uglies, a book that reminded me of why I love the dystopia genre. By July, I made the decision to focus on The Blood Cleaners. I spent four months brainstorming and outlining. I began drafting in November for NaNoWriMo. I wrote 50,000 words in 30 days, but the story wasn't over. That brings me to where I am now. My manuscript is almost 200,000 words long. I hope to finish in the next few days. I can’t wait to rewrite and cut this thing. Writing is hard, but it's worth it. My journey isn't over, obviously. I can’t wait to see where this journey goes.

[aibidil]

My favorite!: Smutty Dialogue

Rules: pick any ten seven fics, select some smut or pre-smut dialogue, and tag ten people. If you have written less than ten, feel free to share anyway!

Thanks for the tag @ghaniblue! This is fun. I knew I liked writing talking and laughing during sex (anyone who has read any of my fic probably realizes I do not think sex is a Serious thing), but it's been fun to see the things that pop up again and again (pun intended). I also think it's interesting to think through all the ways that people can put into words/actions what they want to do—how it's possible and sexy and funny to communicate in this way. 🥰

🏴‍☠ Here be smut:

Always Already (Harry/Draco, 170k)

"I can't say I care how we finish," Draco breathed, his lips brushing Harry's ear. "You could touch me with your nose right now and it'd still be the best sex I've ever had." Shit. That was way too revealing.

But Harry, eyes still shut and turned to the side, grinned. "Do you have a nose fetish? It's because of your war wounds, isn't it? Anyone with a nose turns you on, after having witnessed him without?"

"The only way this could end unsatisfactorily," Draco said, rolling his hips, "is if you ruin my orgasm by talking about Voldemort. Why don't you tell me what you want?"

Harry opened his eyes. "I really want to suck you off."

****

"Are you ticklish?" Draco asked, caught between teasing, fond amusement, and desire so strong it hurt like he'd been punched in the gut.

"Not really," Harry whispered. "I never realised I even had nerve endings in all these places you're kissing."

"I'll wake up all your nerve endings, baby," Draco drawled, making his voice as ridiculous as possible even as he helplessly pushed his groin against Harry's thigh to relieve the pressure.

"Oh my god," Harry said, laughing.

Smiling, Draco pushed up on his knees to bring his face in line with Harry's. "Tell me," he said, brushing his nose against Harry's cheek, "how do you want to finish this?"

Harry tilted his head back against the floor, his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed and said, "Any way. Whatever you want."

"Teenage fantasies aside," Draco whispered, "that's not an answer. What do you want?"

(Un)wanted (Harry/Draco, 37k)

"I'm sorry!" Harry says, still idly thrusting into the air even as he does feel bad about choking Malfoy.

"Don't apologise," Malfoy rasps, tugging him back down. "Do it again."

"Not today, Satan," Harry says despite all his instincts screaming at him to comply. He scoots down until his face is even with Malfoy's and flops onto the bed next to him. "You'll like, go tell the papers that Harry Potter likes to choke people with his cock."

Malfoy raises one thin eyebrow. "Don't you?"

"No!" Harry says, unsure whether to be offended or to laugh. Maybe that's the key to Draco Malfoy that he's been missing all these years—he's supposed to laugh instead of getting offended. "I mean, it felt good. But it's not like I sit around fantasising about choking people."

"Suuure," Malfoy drawls.

****

"Hullo," Malfoy says, and Harry kisses him.

There's an exhale, shoulders relaxing, hot mouths. There's a body under Harry's hands and it's this ridiculous, dramatic prat, and fucking hell, Harry is hot for him—and how did that happen!?

Malfoy pulls away. "I want to note that you said you didn't want casual sex with me."

Harry doesn't answer.

"I'm therefore checking that you actually want to do this. Because you did say that. And we still have to see each other in class or whatever. And we're not drunk. This isn't like last time. This is rather, well, premeditated. Yes?"

Harry nods, hating talking about it but ploughing ahead anyway. "I want to. I don't particularly want to like, define anything. Do we have to? It seems—premature." What he doesn't say is he doesn't think he can manage that discussion. He doesn't want to talk about if they're a couple. If they're boyfriends. If he needs to define his sexuality and come out in the newspapers. Fucking hell. No.

Draco frowns. "Ah, I suppose we could just agree that—it's not casual?"

That's doable. Nothing has ever been casual with Malfoy, has it? "It's not casual," Harry echoes, nodding.

"Oh thank fuck," Draco says, tugging Harry closer, pressing their mouths together and rucking up Harry's shirt, snaking his hands around Harry's back.

again, for the first time (Harry/Draco, 14k)

"I actually…" Draco swallowed. "I don't think I've ever had sex sober."

"Oh," Harry said, and then in a teasing tone, "so am I taking your virginity?"

"I've had so much sex," Draco said, unable to stop himself from breaking into a fit of laughter. "Harry, I have had so much sex. How is it that I feel like a noob?"

"It's different," Harry whispered. "Because you have to be there, if you're sober. Because I see you."

Draco let out an embarrassing noise that he refused to dwell on. "Right. So it's scary, but also, it's so fucking hot. I think I want you to see me. I see you, too, you know." Unable to wait a second longer, Draco pushed his hips off the bed, rolling their groins together.

When Times are Dire (Harry/Draco, 130k)

Draco laughed, unfastening Harry's trousers. "You're so easy."

Harry nodded. "Ah yes. I'm a cheap date. All it takes to get me in bed is to almost kill each other, survive a war together, work together over decades, have children who fall in love and get married, get married for political reasons, pretend to be in love for two years to all friends and relatives, become grandparents together, and take a controlled substance to open up enough to tell each other the truth. That's all."

Draco grinned, pressing his lips together to quell it as he pulled Harry's penis out of his pants. "It didn't require the last one to get you in bed last night."

"It did to get me in bed now," Harry said, raising an eyebrow and then ruining the smirk with a guileless smile.

"We're not in bed," Draco parried, and really he should've seen it coming—Harry grabbed Draco's bicep and Apparated them directly onto their bed.

"We are now." Harry reached behind his head to tug off his t-shirt.

****

"You're the head of the party," Harry said, attaching his lips to Draco's neck, "you can do anything."

"That is…that's not how it works. And I can't do that. I don't disagree that it's fucked up, but—" Draco let out a low moan as Harry dragged teeth over his neck in time with rolling an arse cheek against his erection. "You do realise this isn't what a day at work is like for me, right? I have zero experience discussing policy whilst—nghhhh." Draco let his head drop back, propping himself up on his arms.

"Oh come on, according to those books you love, interns and students and beseeching public figures are always fucking powerful people in their offices."

"You love those books too," Draco defended, trying to keep his voice level despite Harry's best attempts to wreck his composure. "And no one's ever been fucked in my office."

"Say you'll make it part of the platform to ban magically binding entails," Harry whispered, hot in Draco's ear, his tone like he was saying something dirty—and maybe he was, insofar as corruption was 'dirty'.

"I can't," Draco moaned. "Harry, you know I—"

"I'll fuck you in your office." Harry's tongue was so warm—

"You can't influence the policy of the entire LabMag party by bribing me with a workplace tryst," Draco choked out.

"Can't I?" Harry asked. "I don't even feel bad about it, because I'm right."

"I didn't know you believe the ends justify the means, Potter."

"Your end justifies my means."

Calamity's Child (James/Teddy, 43k)

James comes first, thrusts faltering as he presses his hips flush against Teddy's arse and lets his head fall against Teddy's collarbone with a wordless moan. A second later, he blinks. "Sorry, you didn't come yet—I—"

“Shhhh.” Teddy lets go of his cock and rubs a hand up and down James’s back, pulling him forward into a hug so he can have a moment to come down. James starts to sit up and Teddy pushes him away, dislodging his penis, and says, "Don't you dare apologise for coming first. I plan to keep you coming first for a long time, Jamie."

James sits back on his heels and smiles, his penis hanging long from his groin, the full condom tight around it. “Is that so? That’s the worst pickup line I’ve ever heard.”

Lost In My Own Home (James/Teddy, 105k)

Teddy laughs as James throws a piece of fabric at Teddy. The Invisibility Cloak. "Throw that over your head in case Albus or someone sees us walking to the bathroom."

"It's not long enough to entirely cover me," Teddy says. "They'll still see feet."

"Well yeah," James says and shrugs. "I don't care they know I am about to get off with someone in the shower. They just can't know it's you. So…"

Teddy smiles and shrugs. "Okay." He throws the cloak over his head and follows James to the door.

James cracks open the door, stark bollock naked, and peeks into the corridor. "Coast is clear," he says, throwing the door open and walking to the bathroom. Teddy follows him, feeling extremely exposed to be naked in the corridor of the Potters’ house, even if most of his body is invisible.

"Er, James?" Albus's voice says from behind them, and James turns.

"What?" James says, unabashed. "I'm going to take a shower."

Albus gestures at the disembodied feet and raises his eyebrows.

"I'm going to get off with these feet," James says. "See you later."

A Hag, a Hex, a Tale of Redemption (Harry/Draco, 43k)

"Come on!"

"You're pretty demanding," Draco said with a smile, pressing forward again until he was all the way inside.

Harry laughed, eyes still closed. "I'm willing to bet that when we do this the other way round, you'll be just as demanding." His eyes flew open. "I mean, not to assume that you'd—"

But Draco grinned. "I would. We will." Then Draco needed to actually get on with the fucking and stop their laughing. "Can we banter after we're done here, or do you want to—"

"For fuck's sake, Draco, yes! Go, fuck me."

[hyunnieshannie]

Boundless

Series: Boundless

Word Count: 2,832

Pairing: Hyunjin x Female Reader

Genre/Warnings: Fantasy AU, Non Idol Au, harsh words (swearing) Dom!Hyunjin, degradation, mentions of anxiety, sex as a dare, self esteem issues, mentions names of other idols. (Anything else I have missed just let me know and will be added in, more warnings will be added with each chapter update)

A/N: this is my first attempt at writing a proper fic with smut included. I hope you enjoy🖤

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~Prologue~

The world can be so beautiful. Simple things like the changing of the seasons, to the way the clouds look on a particularly sunny day, how the flowers bloom vibrantly after a beautiful white winter. But the key word for you, was can. To you the world was dull and these days seemed more dull than ever. You had been trapped in your home for two years, during the pandemic and now that it’s finally over the world felt as if it had only gotten worse. People had forgotten how to properly socialize without staring deep into their phones, and due to this people had forgotten what basic human decency was. All your life you had felt the overbearing negativity of this world. Elementary school was certainly the easiest. You had a small group of friends which you played with everyday, but when middle school hit; one by one those friends disappeared. And by the time you were in highschool you had learned that you didn’t need a big group of people around you. You were much more interested in reading, and focusing on yourself and so that's exactly what you did. You had friends in highschool, but not ones you considered close. And as they say, people come and go. This was life. Now that you’ve been accepted to your choice college, you figured maybe this could be a new start, a new school in a new state. Living on your own (with a roommate) of course on campus. Maybe you could reinvent yourself. But in a world of impossible beauty standards and expectations of how to act and be noticed, your attempts to fit in never worked out. Because you are no supermodel, or an extraordinarily social person, you are unbelievably. Ordinary. 

Your roommate would often spend nights away from the dorm, and you found yourself feeling more homesick with each passing day. You didn’t make many friends, as your anxiety would get in the way of talking to new people. You got lonely very quickly, and thus drew back to your favorite form of comfort. Reading. People suck, and often never offer the same type of comfort a good book would. You read anything that caught your eye with a good plot, sci-fi, fantasy, historical fiction, even the occasional romance. You got attached to characters, laughed with them, cried with them and grew with them. And that was more than what you could say for the so called ‘friends’ you had made throughout your life. “Ah he’s such a red flag!” you mutter to yourself, as you sat cozily in your dorm room. “He's just going to hurt you, walk away! Go to Wooyoung! He loves you!” you turn the page eager to read the next chapter, but unfortunately for you, your timer goes off notifying you, it was time to start walking over to your class. You picked yourself up and groaned, disappointed you couldn't continue the next chapter, where the characters would definitely fight for the main protagonist's hand in marriage. You wanted to know if she’d really choose Yeonjun the (in your opinion) selfish prince over Wooyoung, the (in your very biased opinion) wonderful bookkeeper. “Ugh, fuck it” you say as you snatch the book from off your bed, opening it up to where you left off, reading as you walked to class. “I hate to admit it Tzuyu, Yeonjun isn’t that bad,” you say as you flip the page, “But the cute bookkeeper treated you better”. You didn't realize you were speaking aloud until someone behind you whispered to their friend. 

“How strange.” she giggled, 

“See this is why I don’t go back to my dorm often,” the other whispers back, maybe they didn’t know you could hear them, or maybe they intended for you to hear them but still it stung to know they were there literally talking behind your back. The two girls pick up their pace and walk past you laughing as they do. You look to your roommate, who ignores you. You were used to this. Either you were ignored like some sort of ghost that no one noticed. Or they spoke about you with little regard towards your feelings. It didn’t bother you as much as it used to throughout highschool but now you’d have to deal with occasionally seeing your roommate in the dorm knowing how she actually felt about you. 

“Ignore them,” a voice sounds from behind you, you look up to see Changbin walking towards you, “They’re just bitchess with nothing better to do,” he smiles warmly at you, Changbin was someone you met your first year of college during orientation. He was a well built man, with incredibly gorgeous features. Toned muscles from going to the gym often and a beautiful smile. How can anyone be so incredibly good looking you thought to yourself, “So Y/N, are you going to the party tonight?” your heart races as he says your name, you didn’t even know that he knew it. You’ve barely spoken to him, only in passing during class. But that didn’t stop you from having the biggest crush on him. You often wondered what it would be like to have him pick you up and pin you against the wall as he kissed you harshly, a curiosity you would never satisfy. 

“Party?” you say, 

“The one Jisungs throwing.” he smiles, 

“Oh,” you hadn’t been invited but you didn’t want to admit that to him, “No, I have to study for a test.” you force a weak smile at him, 

“Oh come on Y/N come it’ll be fun, I haven’t seen you at any of the other parties so you have to come to this one.” Did he have to make that comment? Of course you hadn’t gone to the others, how could you go somewhere when you weren’t even invited?

“I don’t really like big crowds of people, and I don’t have anyone to go with on such short notice.”  

“You don’t need a date for a party you know?” 

“I don’t know a lot of people, the way you and Jisung do. It’s not really about a date, it’s more less wanting someone familiar with me so I don’t get nervous” you laugh, the two of you continue walking towards the lecture hall with an awkward silence, you sneak a look at Changbin who looks like he’s in deep thought. 

“Okay I got it then!” He says as the two of you walk into the building, Jisung who stood waiting by a vending machine yells for Changbin's attention and he waves to him, then looks back at you “So” you look up at him confused, “you’d go if someone you knew would be there right?” he asks, you nod in response, “Perfect, I’ll pick you up at seven.” he smiles, but before you could tell him that wasn’t what you meant he waves back to you as he runs off to catch up with Jisung and his other friends he turns back to you, and yells “Seven be outside your dorm!” you nod. Changbin invited me to a party, you think to yourself, your heart fluttering. Your crush wanted you to go so badly, he offered to be your date. You smile at the thought.

After popping out of the shower, you carefully do your makeup, and pick out a short black dress from your closet. And once you’re ready you head downstairs to wait for Changbin. As you walk out the doors you see he’s already standing there looking at his phone, he looks back up when he hears you approach him. “Damn Y/N I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in anything other than jeans and a hoodie.” he smiles, 

“Is that a good or bad thing?” 

“Well you look good in your hoodies, but you look good like this too, I could get used to it,” he smirks, your heart pounding. He thinks I look good in my usual outfits.. Does that mean he’s looked at you the way you have him? The two of you leave walking off campus and towards Jisungs home which was fairly close. The music booms through speakers, and large crowds of  people who are already visibly drunk dance and talk all around. Changbin guides you through the doors and greets everyone who comes up to him. He doesn’t leave your side until he offers to get you a drink. 

“Y/N?” Jisung says as he walks up to you, “No way Bin actually got you to come!” he says, “You look hot, didn't expect that out of you” he laughs, 

“Thanks?” you say questioning what he meant by that, 

“Fuck off Jisung,” Changbin says as he returns with two drinks, 

“Oh come on I’m just fucking around,” Jisung laughs, as Changbin hands you your drink, “anyways Y/N I need to borrow Bin, I gotta talk to him about this thing we had planned.” he smiles at you cheerfully as he grabs Changbins arm and drags him away. Half an hour passes and Changbin hasn’t returned. Your anxiety begins to get to you as you stand alone in a room full of people. You make your way to the kitchen and stop when you hear a familiar voice, “If you can’t do it Bin you lose the bet, and you know what that means bro” Jisung laughs, 

“The girls never been to a party Ji” Changbin sighs, “It took me giving her no option to come how the fuck am I gonna get her to-” 

“She's probably drunk by now, little miss bookworm probably hasn’t ever drank either so it should be easy,” a girl laughs, 

“Nah thats fucked up if shes drunk im not going through with it,” Changbin says, staringcoldly at the girl,

“Awe don’t tell me you’re starting to rethink the dare Binnie” your roommates voice sounds from another area in the kitchen that you can’t see. 

“I’m not rethinking shit, I’m just not gonna fucking do it if shes drunk. Thats beyond fucked up” 

“I agree with Bin, if she's drunk that's not cool.” Jisung says with a serious face. 

“It’s a little late for fucked up dont you think? You accepted a dare to literally fuck the loser on campus for a measly fifty bucks. Whats fucked up is how far your rep is gonna drop when people find out” the girl laughs, your heart stings hearing her words. He was dared to fuck you. 

“Common Binnie it’s easy poor girls got it bad for you, she’d probably jump at the chance, think of how funny it would be” Because of course how funny would it be if the boy the loser has a crush on fucks her for a dare, wow what a great joke. With that Changbin notices you standing there, you’ve heard everything. You turn around and walk straight out of the party, your chest stings, and tears stream down your cheek. Because who was I to think he’d actually be interested in me. He chases you down the street as you continue to walk faster, wanting nothing more than to get away from him, 

“Y/N! Wait” he yells out, as he grabs onto your wrist, 

“Get away from me.” you hiss, your face heating up with anger and hurt, 

“Y/N please let me explain,” you jerk your hand away from him, he looks hurt and confused by your action how fucking dare he look at me like that. Did he think because you had a crush on him you’d melt to his touch? That you’d let him explain his stupid fucking dare? No.

“Seo Changbin, don’t you ever come near me again,” you turn around walking away from him, you walk back towards your dorm, in tears. Everything that happened tonight was straight out of a drama and you couldn’t believe these things actually happened in real life. As you walk back on to campus you see the light from the library still on, the one place you know you can find exactly what you need. Comfort. You make your way inside where the librarian sits peacefully reading a book, 

“Y/N!” he yells, knowing the library is currently empty, 

“What are you doing here so late Mr. Lee?” 

“I was going to ask you the same question, miss Y/LN, is everything alright?” he asks, 

“Just a bit of heartbreak,” you whisper, his face showing signs of concern, “That book you gave me really tore me apart you know!” you force a laugh, you really weren't ready to explain this situation to anyone let alone, the only person who ever spoke to you as an equal. 

“Oh!” he laughs, “I had the same reaction! Well I’m glad you're here,” he says, “What kind of book are you looking for tonight?” he says, 

“Something that will take me far away from here,” you smile, 

“Well, I may be able to help with that,” he gets up and opens the door to his office, walking out with a small bag, “I was going to save this one for your birthday next week but it seems I’ve broken your heart with my last gift so consider this one to be the one that mends it” he smiles, 

“You didn’t have to mr. Lee,” you say as you take the bag from him, 

“Well I was out with one of your teachers and it caught my eye and I thought to myself, Lee Taemin if you do not bring this book back to your favorite reader you will regret it,” he laughs, “I kid you not, it called out to me as if begging me to bring it back for you” 

“Maybe it was calling out for you!” you laugh, 

“No, it was definitely calling for you,” he smiles, “Now go on, get home.” he smiles, you thank him once again for the gift and begin to leave, “Oh and Y/N” you turn back around to see what he called you for, “The boy who made you cry tonight, never deserved to be blessed with the gift of your heart. Write the story your heart deserves.” he smiles at you, like a brother trying to comfort his heartbroken younger sister. 

“Thank you,” you say weakly smiling at him as you exit the library. 

You wash the makeup off and change into a comfortable pair of leggings and a large hoodie, sliding into bed and laying down to stare at the ceiling. The events of that night are still eating away at your heart. You turn to your side and stare at the gift from Mr. Lee. you sit back up, turning the lamp on your side table on, opening the bag and staring at the large book that lay within it. The beautifully decorated leather cover that you could tell was handmade, a reddish brown with gorgeous gold details, the pages with gold trimming shone brightly under the light. It was magnificent, and by far the most beautiful book to be added to your collection. Almost like mr. Lee said, you felt a pull from it begging to be opened, to be read. It called out to you. You trace your fingers over the golden indented title, Boundless. You open the book carefully, turning the first page, from its title page, only to find it completely empty. There is no table of contents, you turn to the next page, once again empty. You flip through the whole book and there's nothing. You sit the book down, thinking of how strange it is for a book of this size to be empty, maybe it was sold by mistake? Just then the alarm on your clock on the nightstand goes off, you panic trying to shut it down. Did you accidentally set an alarm? No. You never would’ve set one for eleven pm, nor am. The light on your desk flickers and the room falls into a deep darkness, your heart begins to beat out of your chest and fear sinks in, just then the whispering starts, “Am i going crazy?” you say out loud, the whispers grow louder, and louder until light shines again, but not from your lamp, the book itself glows vibrantly illuminating the dark room around you. “Y/N…Y/N… Y/N!” the whispers chant, the book flies open landing on a page directly in the middle of the book, in a panicked state you jump off your bed wondering what could possibly be going on, but your head spins, or is the room spinning? You couldn't tell, the whispers growing into loud shouting, you drop down into a ball covering your ears, squeezing your eyes shut. You feel something pulling at you, you let out a scream as your body finally gives way and you’re being dragged back onto your bed, “Help!” was the last thing anyone would have heard coming from your dorm.

~~~~

Tags: @thvjnm @chanlixiiee @channiesbub @jaebaebaegot7 @maeleelee @iadorethemskz @maenijw @hangin-out-with-the-street-rats @jinniespuppy @painstakingly-juno @lethallyprotected @mimi-sierra04

[utilitycaster]

The Beaujester/Widojest stuff actually reminds me of why I almost wasn't on board with Fjord/Jester at first - I really don't like ships where it feels like one party has to wear down the other, and at first, I thought that was the vibe. So I get really stumped on why people are pushing for closure here. It reminds me of that wild d&d court case. Why would they needlessly burden their friend (Jester) with this information? What do fans think would happen after???

Hi anon,

You are 100% right in that I also think of that D&D Court Case (for those wondering, it's the one that starts here and basically, a couple is playing in a D&D game together and the DM some time ago confessed drunkenly to the player who is writing in that he has feelings for the player's girlfriend...and is now romancing her in-game as an NPC). Like, for real, keep that to yourself! It's so awkward and for what! Tell your therapist! Tell other friends outside this social circle! Do some weird art about it! Have weird feelings! But do not say that to the actual couple involved, holy fuck.

It would require someone with far more knowledge of fandom history to back up my hunch here, so I am presenting it as just a hunch, but it feels like there has been a very heavy drive in the past maybe five or six years towards, rather than "oh man, I wish this ship had happened instead, and here are my AUs and fics in which it did" to "here's why the story is BAD and UNRESOLVED and WRONG." And I don't quite know how it came to be, since internet forums have been around for quite some time, and maybe I'm just clueless because I have come relatively late to every social media ever and it was always like this and the volume has just increased. My personal theory is that people saw all those quirky letter writing campaigns of the 2000s and didn't realize that mailing potato chips or whatever to an NBC exec who was cutting the show because it wasn't getting enough viewers by metrics that were well behind current technology and who would see this and say "oh, shit, this has fans, maybe we can make money off it" is very different than writing hate mail to actual creators, but I could be totally wrong.

But anyway, it is pretty apparent that Uk'otoa was left unresolved! Travis actually had laid the groundwork in-character as Fjord (the bounty hunter hire for Sabian, telling Jester in 2x117 he wanted to deal with Uk'otoa before other things) to return, but it made sense for the show to end after Aeor. Meanwhile, it's not unresolved for someone to quietly nurse a crush, and I'd argue, actually, that both Beau and Caleb's feelings were largely resolved in show. Beau outright told Fjord that she'd had a crush on Jester, but her feelings for Yasha were deeper and more real (and in general this tracks with Beau's repeated self-sabotage when things felt too good to be true). And if you take off the Widojest shipping goggles, it's hard to see Caleb's actions following the party's return from Rumblecusp as anything but quietly admitting that this is not going to happen, as he pushes Jester to dance with Fjord and finally tells her about his past. The goal post of "resolved" secretly means "the preferred ship happens instead."

And then no one ever has an answer for what happens after. Does Beau break up with Yasha? Does the entire scene in Aeor with Essek in 141 - absolutely pivotal, despite coming so late, to Caleb's arc - just not happen, because you really cannot read that as anything but romantic? Does Jester break up with Fjord? How do we reconcile that Jester does not wish to live in Rexxentrum as a housewife, and does want to continue to see the world and be able to regularly spend lots of time in Nicodranas? Do Caleb or Beau make even the slightest concession to Jester's wants and needs, in this fantasy?

I guess I'll wrap this up with this thought: I think that Beau and Caleb's romantic feelings for Jester and how they deal with them are very well played by Marisha and Liam and are incredibly important - indeed, crucial - to understanding their respective character development. But that's the thing in the end. The romantic feelings are deeply important to the stories of Beau and Caleb. They are a footnote on the story of the Mighty Nein. And they are utterly irrelevant to the story of Jester.

[zeico]

Long post request: how do you feel about BG3?

I didn't realize a new patch came out on final fantasy for about a week because Baldur Gate o Baldur Gate

currently in act 3 and trying to stock up on shit since I recently cleared out the bank. I'm TRYING to hold myself to not starting a new character until I finish this one but I see so many monk items and i want themmmmm (I have a half elf monk open in character creator right now)

Since I played a lotttt of dragon age origins, parts of the structure of bg3 felt very familiar to me like the camp itself and like how u interact with the companions. Like coming home in a way.

I'm also playing 5e a lot so that part of the structure of it was very easy to adapt to. I do still have trouble with like certain interface things like oh man gotta select the version of the spells BEFORE TARGETTING NO GALE WHY ARE YOU RUNNING TO THEM GET BACK HERE WHY ARE YOU HITTING THEM WITH YOUR 8 STRENGTH BACKED STICK

But its great and I do like the changes made to better facilitate it being a VIDEO GAME. Like I'm a Divination Wizard. My main Thing is portent dice. (There's also detect thoughtsing my way through all social encounters which is SO GREAT honestly scratches an itch I've always wanted to do but it would be such a pain in the ass for tabletop. Like first first ever dnd character I cooked up was an illiterate mind reading sorcerer that like got by through just that. But that would be so annoying to do with like.... PEOPLE AT THE TABLE of like 'so im just constantly getting ur surface thoughts...... i can't entirely control this... i'm sorry....' )

ANYWAY portent dice!!!!! in bg3 they have it at level 6 you fulfill little prophecies to get ur dice back to make the big boss miss their BIG attack or make SURE you hit (or my favorite, make the rogue crit on a sneak attack) instead of having it that when u cast a divination spell u get a spell slot back. since theres so few divination spells especially like using IN COMBAT so I understand the change.

I also like the variety of shit you can do. like my partner is one to summon 9 creatures btw the whole party so theres a small army of creatures following their main party. (also several buffed with mage armor and everyone has a higher level aid cast on them so they also have a decent amount of health its really funni to watch) I like wrote off the summon guys moves because I just dont like to have extra guys usually.

Something I wish I did on my first playthrough tho was simply long resting more I think I fucked myself out of a lot of social link scenes in act 1 bc I straight up didn't rest enough. The game is like 'oh no time is ticking' but things aren't REALLY like that (cept for like... 2 instances I can think of) bc its a videogame and thats fine.

It WANTS you to use all your abilities and not be dum like me and just cantrip my way through most the first act 'just in case i need my slots later' why am i like this. both short and lone rest more and just use all your moves its FINE

speaking of social links and companions theyre all great. I love them all. I DO wish some things weren't like... romance locked it feels??? well more like you HAVE to reject them???? idk I had a scene with gale when he's like 'but we're not THAT close tho' and i felt bad bc like... I want to be wizard friends with you. I'm SORRY I'm so weak to both vampires and elves.

heard some shit about astarion having like so much content compared to all the other companions and man imma feel so spoiled on my playthroughs where i dont smooch the vampire. I do wish everyone else had more scenes too its a shame.

something about bg3 thats HILARIOUS to me personally is that its all like 'recruit allies against the cult' and in another irl campaign im in thats been in hiatus for years but I still hope to come back its REALLY similiar. Oh no a huge looming death cult threat to the city. oh no the city has its own fuckmess of bullshit to deal with. OH NO a shapeshifting killer. Anytime theres strong parallels to that campaign it sparks joy.

A few technical problems I've had tho were around switching characters in and out of the party. like in a building and I wanna run back to camp to tag in someone. Wait why are they on the roof????

Or I tag in someone and WHY ARE YOU CLIPPING THROUGH THE FLOOR? Tbh the game is so enjoyable I just sigh and say "Video. Game." out loud and load a save. Like the last time that was REALLY frustrating is when it just would NOT let me out of a restricted area like please I persuaded u 3 times let me go I was on my way OUT.

Also why do all these 8 strength men have abs. This is Wrong. I'm bad with figuring out the technical shit of modding but holy shit I need them to not have abs.

Anyway I had this and the character creator open for like 2 hours now so Imma start that now.

[alegocarmadein]

How about 35, 32z and 17 for the writing asks?

17. Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won’t make it in the text.

oh god. so it's set in the fae realm, right? I call it Elphame in this fic. And it's this mismatch conglomorate of ideas I've learned, rpg shit, and random fucking ideas. not based on real fae myth, this is fantasy bullshit. So there's these beasts, right? these monstrosous, weird creatures called the First Beasts because they were what first evolved/were created. And over like….millions of years many of these beasts have been hunted down (mostly by humans). They're generally worshipped by various species of the fae realm. we meet at least two, maybe more. But they're ethereal in a way. kinda terrifying? ever see a bug that's so fucken weird you're like. I don't think you're an enemy. but maybe ur an alien so please leave my house/screen. or had a weird crawdad-like thing run over ur foot when you weren't expecting it? yeah like that, like not unheard of just like ah hi what the fuck are you. generally this fic is meant to be a respite. there's not really weird time shenanigins, or fucked up memory stuff, just a classic slow, we're walkin in the forest looking at shit and talking while we head towards our destination. oh look a giant snail. hey did you know i love you. im going to look at you meaninfully and study your features cause i have no clue if we'll ever get home. that shit. not pining…just…lingering. it's also a uh interim? between next of kin & the third story in the series. that ones. gonna be. rough. so we have to be chill in between then and now. god i will get this goddamned story done. someday.

32. What is a line from a poem/novel/fanfic etc that you return to from time and time again? How did you find it? What does it mean to you?

Hm. I am really. really. really. bad at remembering lines. but this segment sticks with me.

"Still, Feels said nothing. Not the house still brought you back to me. Not you were unconscious, you didn't hear how that place still breathed - quiet, yeah, but still there. Not the flies were gone when we left, the dust swept away, the window propped open for us .

Instead, wordlessly, he held his hand out.

An invitation. A question.

Do you trust me? it asked.

Kane took it, and in the silence he gripped it tight."

god the "An invitation. A question." I LOVE that shit in writing. the repeat of similar words but with important meanings that when put one after the other elaborates on the feeling of the story, the imporatance of the end, the meaning behind the action. AHG.

this is my favorite kaf fic. and this whole segment of it is just OH so impactful. i love house horror and i love the house loving you (see thirteen letters). i found it because its a kaf fic- shit i just realized you asked me this rowan, this is going to seem like pandering, i didn't even notice you asked it. well. anyway- the way it's written is really alluring in a way that is very satisfying to read. it is just the type of fic i wish everyone made because it's so good and really just. good fic. 100/10. quality shit. like argh. 

(https://archiveofourown.org/works/44602054)

35. What’s your favorite writing rule to smash into smithereens?

uh keep it tight. fuck keeping it tight. sometimes. you need to linger. SOMETIMES. you need to use fucked up punctuation. SOMETIMES you need to repeat words in a row to emphasize shit. SOMETIMES you need to fuck up your structuring and have it not make sense to get there. to the end. sometimes. you need to linger. sometimes you need to say "fuck consistency we're takin this shit OFF THE TRACKS. WE WILL NOT RAILROAD OURSELVES INTO STEREOTYPICALITY. WE WILL MAKE WEIRD STORIES." 

make weird stories yall.

(i never do ask games so this is very fun. im gonna reblog the list so if theres any anyone wants to ask. ya know. ask.)

[manogirl]

My Year in Reading, 2023

For the first time since 2012, I didn't do a GR reading challenge. In every year between 2012 and 2021, I read over 150 books. Some years it was closer to 150, some years closer to 200. In 2022, I read 83 books. In 2023, 79 books.

See, in 2022, my world broke. My brain broke. The big bad burnout turned my brain inside-out and upside-down and I lost reading. In that same long first half of 2022, I realized I had to leave librarianship. Not just my job, but my fucking career. See, I was a fiction librarian. I had this ultra-rare position that was my dream job, and reading was a part of my job. When people tell you not to make the thing you love your job, I know. I know what they're saying.

I spent the second half of 2022 living in a state of nearly constant joy. And I wasn't reading for a lot of it. If you asked me three years ago, I couldn't possibly have foreseen this turn of events. And for some of 2022, I was stressed about how much I WASN'T reading. I am trying to figure out how to express this, because it didn't feel BAD to not be reading. It felt right and it felt like I didn't want to be reading. But it also felt wrong because reading was a huge part of my life, and then....it wasn't.

I decided 2023 had to be different, in terms of how I related to reading, so I jettisoned the reading challenge and just let myself...be. Here's what I found out:

I read a lot of BL manga. I'm not a huge graphic novel OR manga fan, so this was a new and unexpected joy. This probably isn't surprising to you if you know me on tumblr through BL, but it was surprising to me. I figured I would dip into queer romance novels, but nope, it was the manga that I loved.

Danmei isn't for me. No idea why, because it seems like it'd be just my cup of tea, but it isn't. I like it, I just don't LOVE it, and right now I want to love the books I'm reading, especially if it's fiction because...

I read SO MUCH NONFICTION IN 2023. It's what my brain asked for, so that's what I fed it. It also probably contributed to my lower numbers; dense nonfiction takes a LOT longer to read than fiction/manga. I think...I'm a person who feels passionate about learning; I love it so so so much. And when my consumption habits switched to mainly frothy TV shows about men falling in love with each other, my brain was like, uh, you better feed us some facts, lady. So I did.

I...like?...memoirs? In my book club, I'm the person who hates memoirs. Memoirs that everyone loved I scoffed at. Memoirs, yuck. Except...apparently no. Apparently I like a memoir now. I guess this is maybe an offshoot of the nonfic bias but nonetheless, my brain continues to shock me and the people who know me best.

Anyway, here is a short, lightly annotated (not in order at all) list of my fave reads this year:

Tom Lake by Ann Patchett. Fuck yeah she doesn't miss.

Doppelganger by Naomi Klein. Oh this is the real shit, and she also doesn't miss.

Carrie Soto is Back by Taylor Jenkins Reid. Okay, a fiction book that I devoured. Sports + love + grief = a meditation on life.

Monsters: A Fan's Dilemma by Claire Dederer. I sometimes go back and read my highlights from this, because it was so fucking powerful and spoke to me so powerfully.

You Could Make This Place Beautiful by Maggie Smith. I loved this in a way I don't think I can explain. Simply stunning in all the right ways.

Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin. Video games + love + grief = a meditation on life. Fucking amazing.

Stay True by Hua Hsu. Oh jesus fuck this is sad but it is so so so so good.

Bookshops & Bonedust by Travis Baldree. Cozy fantasy that isn't romance is something I need more of in my life. Yes to orcs opening bookstores and coffee shops and very little fighting.

Witch Hat Atelier, all existing volumes, by Kamome Shirohama. I've been sharing these with my 8 year-old niece and it's just the nicest little happy thing.

Vagina Obscura by Rachel Gross. Yes, please explain my fucked up innards to me. Endometriosis ftw!

Fat Talk by Virginia Sole-Smith. Real, solid advice and real, solid evidence, and real, solid writing. Two thumbs up.

Maybe someday I'll do a post about how I've been tracking my reading since November 11, 2004. I guess we're hitting the 20th anniversary this coming year, after all.

I guess I do know one thing: I'm never NOT going to read at times. I still do love it, even if my needs and wants around it have changed. Happy New Year, all!