#did that shit once and when i say it took years off my life....i'm honestly not being dramatic

[ranger-kellyn]

look. i don't care what anyone says, if you're someone who wants a partner, you deserve one that doesn't yell at you. you deserve a partner that doesn't make you walk on eggshells. you deserve a partner who you can have civil discussions with when disagreements come up. you deserve a partner who doesn't try to intimidate you in any way when they're mad. you deserve a partner who doesn't "keep score".

[golbrocklovely]

careful what you wish for // sam and colby (pt. 5)

A/N: hey yall… long time no see with this fic. so, i'm gonna be honest with you, this one is rough in about every way you can imagine. idk why i felt the need to do all of this in this fic, but just be prepared when you read it. thank you for all of the love and support you guys have given me on this fic and the past 12 nights of other content I've been giving you. it means the world to me that you guys continue to stick around and read my shit lol thanks again, lmk what you think, and happy halloween !!

prompt: it's been a year since you last saw sam and colby. you hit up jess, your friend, to see if she can give you the magic spell book to finally get rid of them. but sam and colby know your plan, and they won't be taking this attempt to kill them too kindly. || vampire!sam and demon!colby x fem!reader

trigger warning: SMUT, like…. so much smut, supernatural powers being used on you, coming on command, multiple orgasms for Y/N, snc are fucking MEAN in this so just a forewarning, very possessive, you're being punished for being a bad girl, edging, watching sam fuck jess your bestie, don't worry she ends up not being real lol, cursing, magic, degrading and praising language, cliffhanger ending??, mentions of: princess, baby girl, good girl, slut, plaything, toy, sex doll, a lot of OURS mentions too, snc threaten you a bunch as well but flip back and forth between being nice and mean, dubcon just to be safe… so if none of that sounds like something you want to read turn back now :)

word count: 5945

You took a deep breath, stepping out of the uber. You strutted into the bar, anxiety hitting you once inside. You searched around, until finally stopping on Jess. You waved, walking over to her.

She stood up, giving you a quick hug, "Wow, Y/N. It's been so long! How have you been? You look great."

"Thanks, Jess. I know, it feels like forever since we last saw each other." You answered honestly.

"Yeah, I think the last time was..." Her voice trailed off, thinking.

"The book." You deadpanned.

She nodded, "Right. The book."

You sat down, your eyes looking her over, "Speaking of, do you have it?"

"Of course. I saw your text to bring it so I did." She pulled it out, sliding it across the table. It still looked the same, leather bound and old, and the sight of it made your heart flutter.

You sighed, "I appreciate you doing this. I wasn't sure if you were still mad at me from last time or-"

"No, no. I shouldn't have gotten so upset with you. Obviously, if someone had told me a magic book was going to make me a boyfriend, I too would have thought they were crazy," Jess laughed. "Well, I guess in your case, two boyfriends."

"Yeah about that... that's why I need this book." You admitted.

"You want to get rid of them? Why?" She asked, leaning in.

"They've been gone for a while now. They pop into my dreams, but haven't been around in about a year. The last time I saw them..." Your mind flooded with the previous time, months back, of them fucking you in front of all your coworkers. None of them remembered the next day, but you did. The images alone made it hard to look anyone in the eye anymore. Your face heated up, "I'll just say it was the last time I truly wanted to see them. They have gone too far and I just don't know how much more I can take from them."

Her expression softened. "I can only imagine what dating a vampire and a demon would be like."

"Dating is the nicest way to describe what we have. It's more of a... free use situationship." You huffed, "But I can't deal with it anymore. I want a normal life, no matter what they claim."

"What do they say?" She inquired. 

"They say I enjoy this, what we do. And while that is true to some extent, I can't keep living like this. I mean, how much longer am I supposed to keep having them show up randomly in my life to fuck my brains out? Sure, I enjoy it in the moment, but afterwards I feel embarrassed." You divulged, lowering your eyes to the table.

"I mean, if you like it you shouldn't feel ashamed." She remarked.

"Well, I do. And I just want them gone. I think I've paid my dues back entirely to this book." You gaze down at it, stroking the cover, "I'm sorry. Please help me get rid of them."

She snickered, "How about we don't do that in the middle of this bar?"

"That's probably a good idea." You placed the book next to you, exhaling. "So, how has your dating life been since the book shut? Please tell me it went back to normal so that I might have something to look forward to."

"Oh yeah, it's been normal alright. Some highs, some lows." She chuckled, "Speaking of, I actually invited one of the guys I've been seeing to come here."

"That's cool. Is he nice?" You questioned.

"Yeah, super sweet. And he plans to bring his best friend with him. So, if you wanna stick around and meet him, maybe you can start this new chapter sooner rather than later?" She suggested, beaming mischievously.

You shrugged, "Sounds good to me. Let's get a drink first though."

"Already ordered. Should be here... now." Jess smiled at the waitress, who placed down two drinks. "Thank you."

You raised your drink, "Cheers... to new beginnings."

"Cheers." She raised her glass, clinking it with yours. You both sipped on your drinks, nodding at the taste. Jess' phone buzzed on the table, she glanced down and beamed. "Oh, they're here."

You nodded, waiting uncomfortably. You weren't sure if you were really in the mood to meet these two new guys, but you figured you'd stay to finish your drink and then leave. No harm, no foul.

"Hey baby girl, how you doing?" A familiar voice spoke, walking up to Jess and embracing her.

You glanced up. Your stomach dropped and your heart sped up. This can't be happening.

"Hey Sam. This is my friend Y/N." Jess introduced.

"Hello, nice to meet you." Sam grinned, then pointed next to you. "And this is my friend Colby."

"Hi." Colby stated simply, locking eyes with you. His face was cold, with just a hint of a devilish glint.

You shuttered a breath, chest heavy. "There's no fucking way..."

"What? What's wrong?" Jess furrowed her brow.

"I-I, I can't do this. No. I absolutely won't do this." You slid out of your seat, shoving Colby and walking towards the bathrooms. You could hear them call after you, but you ignored them. You needed to leave, you knew that. But you wanted to just be away from them for a moment to get your bearings.

You stumbled into the bathroom, locking yourself in a stall. You took some deep breaths, trying to calm yourself. You were okay, you were in control, and there was no way that this was going to start up again. Sam and Colby were just fucking with you, once again, and you were not going to allow that to happen. You had the book, and so you-

FUCK, the book! The book was still on the table.... now with Sam and Colby.

You covered your face with your hands, muffling a scream of frustration. You grunted, pushing the stall door open and exiting the bathroom.

You stomped back into the bar, freezing the moment you did. The table was empty, Jess, the boys, and the book were nowhere to be found. There was, however, a small note on the table. You grabbed it, reading it quickly.

If you want to see the book again, come to the back of the bar.

- Sam and Colby

You spun on your heel, retracing your steps. You passed the bathrooms, continuing to walk down the hallway. You had been to this bar a couple times before, knowing that the back area was for special occasions, parties. As you drew closer to the room, you noticed the red lights illuminating the hallway and door. You swallowed hard, turning the knob and stepping into the room.

It was dark, and very hard to make out anything in it. You knew there were tables and chairs around, but you didn't see any from the little vision you had. You raised your hand, trying to feel around for a light switch or something. Suddenly, you felt a hand grab you, shoving you down onto a soft surface. You fought against their hold; pushing, shoving. But it didn't stop them from wrapping something tight around your wrists, pulling them away from your body. You cursed out whoever was touching you, kicking them hard. They had no reaction to you, just pushing your legs back down onto the surface.

The lights in the room turned on. You blinked rapidly, looking around quickly. You were on a bed, tied to the bedpost by your wrist. At the end of the bed stood Sam and Colby, smiling at you.

"Princess, so glad you could join us." Colby quipped.

Sam nodded, "We've missed you so much."

"Fuck you! What the hell is this shit for?" You yelled, shaking against your binds.

"You know, we could ask you the very same thing about..." Colby pulled the book out from behind his back, "This."

"Care to explain why you have this?" Sam asked innocently.

"Just gonna do some light reading." You sneered.

Colby rolled his eyes, "You don't really have room to play coy with us, Y/N. You might want to start explaining yourself."

"I have nothing to say to you." You spat.

"Is that so? Then I guess you're okay with this." Sam pulled out a silk cloth. You glared at him and the fabric, confused. He slid up the bed, taking the cloth and wrapping it around your head, covering your mouth. You tried to fight against him, but with your arms tied there wasn't much you could do besides rock your body side to side.

"As much as I love your little moans and whimpers, you not being able to talk gets me going just as much." Sam teased, his voice low in your ear.

You rolled your eyes and watched him slithered back down to the end of the bed.

"Now that we've got your complete attention, let's start. First off, princess, how dare you?" Colby scoffed. "We've done nothing but make your life better and this is the thanks we get? You, trying to get rid of us? Bad girl."

"Even though we haven't been around, we have been watching you. And we heard about your little plan to cut us loose. How exactly did you think that would play out for you?" Sam demanded.

Colby stepped closer, glaring down at you. "Do you remember what we said last time? You're ours. We own you. What about that screams 'I have a choice'?"

Sam leaned against the bedpost, "Well, she does have a choice. She just realistically won't make the one that actually sends us away."

"You're right, Sam. You know why? Because she enjoys this. Us. What we do to her." Colby chuckled darkly.

"Exactly. And God knows, if she saw us with someone else, she would lose her mind." Sam taunted.

You grunted against the gag, angrily.

"What was that sweetheart? You're gonna have to speak up." Colby sassed, his eyes cold.

You glared daggers at Colby, cursing him out loudly in your head.

"Ooh, harsh words from such a sweet girl." He slid his hand over his chest, "If I had a heart, it would be broken."

"I have one... It doesn't beat, though. But if it did, it would beat only for you." Sam fluttered his eyelashes at you jokingly.

"Always the romantic, Sam." Colby exhaled, "Anyway, how about we test out our theory? Would you do the honors?"

"Sure." Sam turned to the door, calling, "Jess! Come on out."

Colby narrowed his eyes, mumbling. "I could have yelled for her."

Jess stepped into the room, slowly walking over and standing in between Sam and Colby. Your heart sped up, gazing back and forth between her and them. Was she under their spell? Why was she not reacting?

He pointed between the two of them, "Do you wanna go first or-?"

Sam agreed, "You go ahead. I am the one that's been dating Jess."

"That's true. Jess?" She turned to Colby, her glassy eyes reflecting in the lights. "Start sucking his dick."

Jess nodded, dropping to her knees instantly and undoing Sam's pants. You gasped against the gag, looking away as best you could.

"No no, princess. You need to watch. This is your punishment, after all." Colby marched up to you, turning your head to them. His eyes snaked over your face, smirking. "If looks could kill… I'd be dead again. But anyway, keep looking at them."

Your eyes locked onto Jess and Sam, widening as you realized you couldn't look away.

"Happy Halloween, babe." He warned cockily, "Remember... I'm a lot stronger tonight. And so is Sam."

Jess' head bobbed up and down on Sam's cock, slurping and sucking noises falling from her lips. Sam's hands rested on the back of her head, keeping her rhythm steady. He grew harder and harder in her mouth with her actions. He rolled his head back in pleasure, humming low.

Seeing Sam's dick work itself in and out of her mouth turned you on. You hated admitting it, but it was true. Just the thought of their dicks alone made you wet.

"We told you if you tried to get rid of us, we would have to punish you. So, this is what you deserve. You only have yourself to blame." Colby hissed.

You wanted to roll your eyes, or glare, but they remained on Sam and Jess. You could feel your sex grow slick, your thighs pressing together.

"Oh no sweetheart, you gotta keep your legs apart." Colby grabbed your thighs, forcing them open. You shoved at him with your legs, doing your best to kick him.

"Fine, if you're gonna do that..." He pulled back, snapping his fingers. Suddenly your legs were chained to a bar that separated them from one another. You tried to shimmy your legs, but the bar clicked them further apart.

Colby smirked, "You might want to stop doing that. The more you move your legs, the farther apart they are gonna be. And I have a feeling you don't want to be full spread eagle. Now, I wouldn't be against it-"

"Me neither." Sam chimed in, moaning.

"Him either, but assumingly because of your attitude, you wouldn't like it," he snickered. "Look at me, princess."

You turned your head sharply towards him, your eyes fixating on him. He smiled calmly, looking over your face. "Such a pretty girl."

You cursed at your stomach as it flipped from his words. You hated his affect on you.

"You can say that all you want, Y/N. But you didn't seem to feel that way every. single. time. I've fucked you. That we've fucked you. Do you need a refresher?

Colby placed a single finger in between your breasts, and your mind became flooded with thoughts and memories of your time together with the boys. You could almost feel them inside of you, fucking your cunt roughly and bringing you to the brink of orgasm.

You panted against the gag, feeling pleasure rack your body all over. You shook against the bed, grinding your hips up into the air to relieve some tension, but to no avail. 

"Do you need some help there, baby?" Colby uttered, his face close to yours. 

Sam's voice strained as he fucked Jess' mouth. "Yeah, Colby. Help her out. Maybe she can come when I do."

"Oh, that sounds fun." Colby waved his hand in a figure eight, and you felt a device press itself on your clit. A low vibration began, and your eyes rolled slightly into your head.

"How's that feel, Y/N? Good? Bad? Do you need more?" The vibrations turned up higher, your thighs wanting to clench around the device. "Or less?"

You whined, trying to push yourself harder onto the vibrator. Colby hummed, watching you squirm.

“Watch Sam fuck Jess' mouth.” He commanded.

Your head turned to Sam, taking in everything. He was holding onto Jess' head much harder now, bucking his hips into her mouth quickly. He looked at you, winked, and fucked her mouth harder. Jess enthusiastically gagged, digging her nails into Sam's thighs.

The vibrator grew to a higher intensity, your legs shaking pleasurably. Your heart was ramping up faster and faster, your body starting to feel like it was just coming close to the edge. Part of was jealous of Jess, because all you wanted was Sam to be fucking you like that. Or Colby. Or both.

"If you honestly think you're gonna come right now, you're wrong." Colby whispered harshly in your ear, turning the vibrator down low.

You grunted, wanting to look at him. You fought against your binds, the bar for your legs separating farther.

"I told you to stop doing that, sweetie. Because now, I can turn this up," the vibrator pressed harder into your clit, going to max speed suddenly. "And now, it can get even closer to you and your aching clit."

Sam's eyes met yours, "Baby girl, I'm sorry he's so mean. I swear when I'm done with Jess, I'll make sure to treat you right."

"Remember Y/N, he's the weird one. Don't trust him." Colby taunted, turning the vibrator down again.

"Fuck, I'm getting close. You have such a good mouth, Jess." Sam commented hungrily.

Colby gasped, "How about this, Y/N? Let's play a game. I'll let you come if you admit how jealous you are of Jess."

"Are you jealous, plaything?" Sam cooed mockingly, still fucking Jess' mouth.

Colby turned your head to him, holding your chin in his hand. "Oh, very. Let's see if she'll admit it."

He tore the gag away, a loud breath immediately leaving your lips. "The floor is yours, princess."

You seethed, "Fuck. You."

Aww, she's just playing shy now. Why don't we see how she really feels?" Colby cranked the vibrator up to the max setting, the buzzing loud in your ears.

You whimpered helplessly, thrusting your hips against the toy. You couldn't help it; your clit was throbbing and your mind was fuzzy from watching Sam fuck another girl's mouth. And all you wanted was for one of them to touch you.

This was not how you thought this night would go.

Colby pressed his body closer to yours. You could feel the heat of him rolling off onto you. "Just say how you truly feel, and I'll make sure you come. Speak your mind."

"I'm getting real close-" Sam's hips sped up, his body glistening with sweat. "Fuuuuck! So you better make it quick, slut."

"Come on, Y/N. Tell us the truth. Say you're jealous. Say you want Sam to fuck your mouth like that. Do it!" Colby ordered.

You held your tongue defiantly, whining as it felt like the vibrator grew stronger and stronger against your dripping sex.

He cocked his head to the side, "You're really not gonna speak? Okay, then. Maybe we really have to pull it out of you."

Hands and fingers began touching you all over, caressing your body in the most sensitive places. You rutted against the vibrator, your body having a mind of it's own. You moaned loudly, surprised by the pleasure.

"That's it baby, I know you're getting close. Just say you want to be here, with my cock in your mouth, and you'll get to come." Sam growled, thrusting faster and faster.

You stuttered, your mouth barely able to form words, "F-Fuck, fine. I want your cock in my mouth."

"And what else, princess?" Colby egged on.

"I-I'm jealous of Jess. Please let me come and please fuck my mouth." You whimpered, biting your lip.

"God, your pleas are so pretty. Fuck, I'm gonna come!" Sam bucked his hips hastily, slamming repeatedly into Jess' mouth. She choked and gagged on his dick, taking it effortlessly. He came down her throat, letting out a breathy groan as he did. He slowed his hips, still holding her head in place.

"Do you wanna come, Y/N?" Colby whispered.

You panted, moving your hips faster against the toy. "Yes! Please!"

"I'm happy you're in a better mood now." Colby smiled, then his face dropped. "But no."

The vibration and hands disappeared, leaving your body trembling, "W-What?"

"No. You don't get to come. You have to do much better than that." He snapped his fingers, the binds holding you down disappearing. "Take your clothes off, get on your knees, and masturbate in front of us."

Your body followed Colby's words, dropping down hard. You ripped your clothes off your body desperately. The cool air hit your warm skin, causing your nipples to harden and your whole body to grow chills. Your fingers found your swollen clit, rubbing intensely. You stifled a cried, anger filling your veins as you looked up at Sam and Colby.

"You've done your job, Jess. You can go."

Jess nodded, slowly walking out of the room with tear stained cheeks and cum drooling out of her mouth.

You snarled at them, somehow able to speak while pleasuring yourself. "How dare you do that to her! You guys are fucking sick."

"First off, what the hell did you expect from a demon and a vampire? We're depraved. Sue us." Sam rolled his eyes, annoyed. "And secondly, she wasn't even real."

You narrowed your eyes, your breath quickening. "What? H-How?"

"Magic. It's Halloween baby." Sam chuckled, jumping towards you, "Boo!"

"Jess was really here at one point, but she left a long time ago. Hell, once she gave you the book, she was done. So, the rest has just been in your head." Colby explained.

Sam added proudly, "Made up by us, of course."

"Speaking of the book, let me just pull it back out." Colby flipped through it, skimming over the pages lazily. He sighed, "It sucks I can't read Latin."

Sam scoffed, "Aren't you a demon? Isn't that what you guys do?"

"You know, that is incredibly rude to say. How stereotypical of you to think that, Samuel." Colby frowned disappointedly, "I expected more from you."

"Sorry. I'll do better next time." Sam apologized.

You groaned huskily, trying to stop yourself from masturbating. But your hands kept moving. "Don't you guys get sick of hearing your own voice?!"

Sam shook his head. "No. Not really."

"Oh I'm sorry, princess." Colby's eyes turned black as he lowered himself to your face. His voice thundered off the walls of the room, "Did you expect us to be fucking nice when you got this book to fucking kill us?! You're lucky all we're doing is making you edge. There are lot worse things I could fucking do to you, but this is me playing nice."

Sam gaped, "That gave me chills."

"Shut up, Sam." You jeered.

Sam's eyes turned red, glaring at you. He yanked the book from Colby's hands, flipping open to a page, and tearing it out of the book.

Your voice croaked, "W-What are you doing?!"

"Punishing you. I don't know if that spell was important, but let's hope for your sake it wasn't." Sam retorted.

"Please, don't! I'm sorry! Fuuuck. I'll be a good girl." You whined helplessly.

He snapped, "I'm sure you will. Since that's the only way you're gonna come." 

You suddenly felt a vibrator press against your cunt again. A desperate wail ripped through you, sweat dripping down your back as your body grew hotter and hotter.

Colby cupped your face, making you look up at him and Sam. "Tell us the truth, Y/N. How did watching Sam fuck Jess make you feel?"

You felt your mouth speak, but you had no choice on what you were saying. The truth spilled out of you. "I-I hated it. Oh my God, I hated it! I wished it was me."

"And what about now? What do you want?" Sam asked teasingly.

You bounced on the vibrator, pushing yourself against it harder. "I want to come! I want you to fuck me! Please!! Fuck, please please. I just need to come so badly."

Colby leaned in, "Who do you belong to?"

"You!" You exclaimed.

Sam repeated, "Who do you belong to?"

"Y-You!" You looked at him, pleading.

"That's it baby. Get right to the edge, I know. I know you wanna come. Do it for me. Get right there, get right there!" Colby commanded, nodding as you did what you were told.

Your fingers rubbed faster and faster, the vibrator matching your speed. You panted and whimpered, feeling yourself get right to the edge. You knew any second now you were going to come. All you could think about was coming and having Sam and Colby fuck you.

Colby smiled, "Stop touching yourself."

Your hands dropped to your sides, the vibrator disappearing. Your eyes welled up, your body still shaking with ecstasy, ready to fall over the edge at any second. A strangled cry heaved in your chest, your eyes boring into Sam and Colby's.

"Don't look so sad, baby girl. We would never leave you unsatisfied." Sam rubbed your hair softly for a moment, "Get on the bed for us."

"Lay on your back. Keep your legs and head off the bed." Colby instructed.

You did as you were told, stumbling awkwardly to the bed again. You laid down, allowing your legs to dangle off one side and your head on the other. Colby was suddenly at your feet, naked and spreading your legs wide. You felt the bar back again, keeping your legs locked and apart. He took the bar and put it around his neck, keeping your legs up. Your feet rested on his shoulder as he gazed down at your soaked pussy.

"It pains me to torture you like this, princess. Do you know how hard you've made me?" He groaned, stroking himself, "My cock has just been dying to bury itself inside you. Exactly where it belongs."

"Hi, toy. You ready for me to use your throat? That's what you wanted, right?" Sam appeared above you, his shaft dangling just above your mouth.

You nodded, unable to form words with how horny you were.

They both filled you up at the same time, not even giving you a warning. They groaned in unison, your moans muffled by Sam's cock deep within your throat. They stilled their hips, pushing all the way to the hilt until they couldn't no more.

Colby sighed happily, "The best days of my life are when I'm inside of you, Y/N. Your cunt is like heaven."

"I don't know which one is better, her mouth or her pussy. But either way, I love them both." Sam keened. 

Colby chuckled darkly, "That's all you are to us, you know. Just two holes. For us to use."

"What did she say we had? A free use situationship? That sounds about right." Sam laughed.

"And you wouldn't want it any other way. You love being used. You love how we take whatever we want from you." Their hips were matching each other in tandem, thrusting into you at a slow pace.

Sam continued, shooting back. "You were literally on the floor, begging us to let you come. And now your cunt and mouth are filled with our cocks. What a fucking slut.

Colby gasped breathlessly, "Fuck, you tightened around me when he said that. Is that what you are, princess? A slut?"

Sam mocked, tsking. "I thought you wanted to be a good girl."

"Good girls don't get used like this. Good girls don't try to get rid of their fuck buddies." Colby cursed.

"Good girls don't have fuck buddies. Good girls have boyfriends that love and cherish them." Sam snickered.

"Maybe we do feel that way for you, baby. We just have such." Colby bucked his hips into your hard once, "a funny." Twice. "way." Thrice. "of showing it."

"We do love you baby girl. We care about you so much. Which is why you can't be with anyone else. Who else is gonna treat you this good?" Sam moved his cock a bit deeper, making you choke.

"Exactly. Who else is gonna make you come like this?" Colby breathed, smirking.

Suddenly an orgasm rocked through you. You gagged on Sam's cock, unable to stop yourself from thrust back and forth on their cocks. You bucked wantonly, gripping the bed sheet as your legs shook against Colby.

Sam was in awe, "There's our plaything! God, having you choke on my cock makes me wanna come again."

Colby smiled lazily, "She's been so good for us. How about you give us another orgasm baby?"

Another orgasm hit you just as the last one started to fade. You shuttered against Colby's shaft, shaking intensely. You whined around Sam, white knuckling the bed.

"There you go. I know how badly you wanted to come, princess. You squeezed my cock so tightly then. You just want to milk me dry, don't you?" Colby spoke in a needy tone.

Sam buried himself in your throat, "How about another, just because?"

Once more, you erupted in euphoria. Your thighs trembled and your eyes blurred with tears as you cried out in pain and pleasure. Your mind went blank, seeing stars as you rode out your high. 

The boys laughed, still thrusting into you, but now a bit faster. "Oh Sam, that was mean. She didn't deserve that."

"I thought she said she wanted to come. I'm just granting her wish." Sam sang teasingly.

"That's true. How about... Colby hummed, plunging all the way into your sex, "one more for good measure?"

Your cunt exploded in yet another climax. Your come leaked down your inner thighs, soaking you and the bed. Your back arched and your hands clung onto Sam's hands, needing something to ground you. You could barely think, the pleasure too much for you.

"I think you've had your fun, babe. It's time for us to have ours." Colby spat.

Sam and Colby sped up their thrusts, your body at their whim. Colby drove his sex into yours, the sounds of your wet cunt sending a shiver up your spine. Sam cupped your throat with his hand as he bucked his cock into you. Your jaw had grown slack, allowing him more access to your mouth and throat.

You laid still on the bed, letting the men use you. You felt dazed in the best way. Your body trembled with lust, your skin feeling cool in the hot air of the room. Maybe you were wrong about getting rid of the boys. How could you think of getting rid of them when they were able to make you feel this amazing?

Colby ran his hands up and down your legs, squeezing your thighs tightly. "God baby, I just love how tight you are. Fuck, you are taking my cock so well. You know what? I forgive you for your attitude earlier. Clearly you just needed a good fucking from us."

Sam moaned, "Just needed to be reminded who owns you."

"That's right. You're ours, princess. And we're yours. We'd never want to fuck someone other than you. You're all we want. And we're all you want, yeah?" Colby questioned, his voice hoarse.

You nodded, blinking rapidly from the tears clouding your vision as Sam continued pounding into your throat, gagging you.

Colby's eyes darkened as he glared at you. "Next time though, we won't be nice. You'll really learn the meaning of free use, you understand me?"

Sam grunted huskily, "God, don't tempt me. I would love to use you freely."

Colby leaned forward, uttering, "I told you he was a freak."

"As if you wouldn't too." Sam argued breathlessly. "Are you getting close, sweetie? Do you wanna come again?"

You groaned around Sam's dick, bobbing your head.

Sam gave a smug smile to Colby, picking up his pace. "I think that's a yes."

"Well, you're just gonna have to wait, princess. I want you to come with us." Colby matched his pace, plowing into you.

Sam whined, "I want to come in her pussy this time."

"So do I." Colby halted, "How about I come in her first and you come in her afterwards?"

Sam nodded eagerly. "Sounds amazing. You won't mind, right baby girl?"

You didn't say anything, just kept bouncing and sucking on their cocks. You were so mindless you barely understood them anymore. All you knew is that you wanted their cum inside you soon. That's all you could think about.

Colby cooed, grinning lustfully. "Aww, we mindfucked her. She has nothing going on up there."

"That's perfect. I love a girl so cummed out of her mind she doesn't know how to even speak." Sam growled, smirking.

"She’s basically a sex doll for us. No thoughts, just a set of wet holes for us to use and come in. God, you're so fucking sexy, princess." Colby's hips moved faster, his body shaking yours with each thrust.

Sam kept his cock inside of your mouth, "You getting close, Colby?"

"Fuuuck, yes. Her cunt is gripping my cock. Jesus Christ you feel so fucking good baby." Colby pounded your pussy desperately, his hands gripping your legs.

"That's it, Y/N. Milk his cock. Make him come." Sam bossed.

"I'm gonna fucking breed you, princess. You love when I do that. A-And you're gonna come when I do." Colby sped up his thrusts, jackhammering into you. He picked your hips up off the bed, hitting you even deeper. He shouted passionately, "Fuck I'm right there! F-Fuck! Come for me!"

You shattered, choking out a filthy mewl around Sam's member. Your hips met Colby's with each of his thrusts. He plunged into you a final time, spilling all of his seed deep within you. You felt your cunt fill with his load, throbbing around him intensely. His groans grew quiet, his chest heaving as he caught his breath.

Colby caught his breath, exhaling deeply. "You're such a good girl for us. And now, you're gonna take Sam's come."

He pulled out, your pussy feeling empty and used. But then it was filled up once more, now with Sam. You gasped huskily, your throat sore from his round on it. You glanced down at Sam as he began pounding into you.

Colby rubbed your face sweetly, wiping the drool off of the corners of your mouth. "Open up, princess. I need somewhere to rest my cock until he comes."

You popped your mouth open, taking Colby's semi-hard dick and letting it fill you up. You were used to having something there now, and you were happy to have it be Colby's.

"Do you like tasting yourself on my cock, slut?" Colby commented.

You hummed, agreeing mindlessly. Sam started slamming himself into you, your body shaking with each deep thrust. Your cunt gushed around him, wet from your and Colby's cum.

"Holy shit, you feel amazing baby girl! Fuck I'm getting so close. When I come, you come too!" Sam howled, bucking wildly.

Colby reached over, rubbing your clit in time with Sam's thrusts. "Just one more time, Y/N. Give us everything you got. Be a good girl for us."

Sam's eyes flashed red, his fangs appearing. "God damn - yes! Milk my cock, Y/N. Take every drop of my fucking cum and come with me!"

The ecstasy you felt was unlike anything you every experienced before. Your vision went white, unable to see or hear anything. You rutted up to meet Sam's thrusts, your body moving purely on instinct. You no longer had even an ounce of control over your body. You felt your throat vibrate with gurgled screams and cries. You soaked his dick and sucked on Colby's, your body rag dolling against the bed.

"So good for us. You did so well, angel." Colby murmured.

Sam breathed, staring at you sweetly. "You're so pretty when you come. Our pretty girl. You can rest now"

Your eyes fluttered, your body exhausting beyond repair. You closed your eyes, passing out instantly.

When you finally awoke, your body was sore from your wrists to your ankles. You were back in your room, but you knew that that wasn't a dream. As you sat up in bed, an object on the floor stood out to you.

The book. It was here, in your house. And away from Sam and Colby.

You jumped out of bed, grabbing it. You looked it over, flipping through the pages. The piece that Sam tore out must have been back in as the book was intact.

You nodded to yourself, knowing what you had to do next.

Time to get rid of Sam and Colby.

<< Part 4 ||

[heavyhitterheaux]

Drive Safe Part 3

First Lady of Private Garden Fic

AN: Our wild ride has come to an end 🥹😘

Synopsis: You confront your best friend for what she did to you behind your back all while trying to make sense of your future with Jack. The ultimate question is, are you willing to give your ex-husband another chance?

Pairing: Ex-husband!Jack Harlow x Ex-wife!Reader

Read Part 1 and Part 2 first

Please Do Not Repost My Content Anywhere

After hearing Taylor confess what you had heard Jack tell Urban left you in a daze. So, he in fact was telling the truth, however your best friend or someone who you thought was your best friend went behind your back and betrayed you. Never did you think that in a million years that she would do something like this and try to play innocent and continue on with life as usual as if nothing happened.

“Y/N, I know you're pissed at me and for good reason and I know I shouldn't have done it and…”

You immediately cut her off.

“Let me ask you something. Did you honestly think that you could do that and ultimately get away with it? Yes, me and him have our issues but stepping out on one another because of a disagreement has never been a reality. No matter how mad at each other we are. Bottom line, you took advantage of him being in a vulnerable stage. Even if I am still very mad at him, I'm going to defend him when someone does him wrong. And in this case, you were in fact… wrong.”

“I…”

“I thought that at least you were one of the last people I could count on to have my back, but low and behold you wanted my man for yourself. Everyone has treated me like shit since this first happened and since obviously my feelings don't matter to you or anyone else, there's nothing left for me to say. We are done here and you can forget about being their godmother. Lose my number and do not call me again for as long as you live.”

“Wait, just….. we're throwing our friendship away over a mistake I made? I confessed and I apologized. I don't know what came over me to do that and deep down I knew it wasn't right. But I just….”

“A mistake you hid from me for damn near two years and it wasn't a mistake actually. I had my suspicions, but I was trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, thinking no, there's no way in the world that my best friend would do that to me. You were in your right mind and knew what you were doing. And to think I trusted you. I've told you things In confidence that I have never told anyone else and you just….I need to leave. And you can pick up the tab since you want to be kissing other people's husbands.”

“It’s never going to happen again, I don’t want to lose you as a friend.”

“You've already lost me as a friend from the moment you tried to kiss Jack. It's not going to happen again, because you are going to stay as far away as possible from us. Did you really think that I would forgive you for doing something like that to me? You broke my trust and that is not something that cannot be repaired overnight. Oh, and one last thing, I knew what you did for months now and was just simply waiting for you to confess.”

Taylor was sitting there absolutely stunned and unable to speak. And it looked as if her eyes were starting to water.

“Didn't think it was going to take this long, but here we are. I'm taking my food to go and have the day you deserve. And you can save your tears for someone who actually cares.”

Without another word, you slid back from the table and went to the front of the restaurant to let them know that you wanted your order to go and that Taylor would be paying for it. 

Once you got outside in your rental car, the tears started to roll down your face. You were proud of yourself, but also hurting. You felt that at this point, you didn't have anyone anymore and you simply wanted to go back home to Louisville or Atlanta rather and be away from it all. Because Atlanta was the only place where you felt that your life actually made sense. Louisville held too many memories for you and every single one of them had to do with Jack. 

You had gotten back to the beach house in record time and stared at your phone contemplating if you were going to call Jack or not to let him know that you had talked to Taylor. Making your way inside, you sat everything down in the kitchen before making your way upstairs to the bedroom since your desire to eat anything was now gone. You picked up your phone and then shook your head and placed it on the dresser before the tears started falling again.

If you knew the shitstorm that would happen when Jack asked for you to marry him, you probably would have never done it. But who were you kidding? You knew deep down that you still would have said yes despite what was going on around you at the present moment. Did you see yourself marrying him again? Only time would be able to tell. The most important thing that you needed to focus on right now was trying to heal. 

Jack played with his phone in his hands contemplating calling your older sister, Danielle, but had a strong feeling that she wouldn't want to hear anything that he had to say.

But he had to try.

He was willing to do absolutely anything to get you to forgive him and get him to marry him again. Even though you told him that marriage was definitely off the table, in the back of his mind and deep down he knew that if he wasn't able to get married to you again that he wouldn't get married again at all. You were the love of his life and he ruined it.

Before he backed out, he quickly hit her number to call her as his heart was damn near beating out of his chest.

And now he was hoping she didn't answer. 

But luck wasn't on his side and she did.

“Hello?”

“Dani, it's Jack.”

“I know. I have something called caller id on my iphone.”

“Umm….”

“What do you need?”

“Um, for your little sister to stop ignoring my calls and talk to me.”

All Dani did was scoff before responding.

“And you think that you deserve to talk to her after what you did?” Dani asked and now Jack was starting to regret ever picking up the phone to call her.

“Dani, she's pregnant.”

“I am aware. I was there when she took the test. What's your point?”

“Dani, please. I just want her to talk to me so she can hopefully forgive me and we can get back together.”

“Jack, I told you to do one thing when it came to her. ONE. Do you remember what that was?”

“Take care of her.”

“Hmm, and did you do like I asked?”

“Well…”

“No. You didn't. Instead you hurt my baby girl and quite frankly, I’m surprised she stayed with you as long as she did. That girl LOVES you and would do anything for you, but instead you let your little fame get to your head. As much as she would call me crying all times of the night over you, you honestly think you deserve to be in a relationship with her again?”

“I know I've messed up and that I've hurt her, but all I want to do is make it right. I don't want anyone else or be married to anyone else. I didn't even want to sign the divorce papers!”

All Dani did was sigh before responding.

“You better listen to me and listen to me good. I will do what I can, but it is ultimately her decision. If she gets back with you, fine. I'll support it. If she doesn't, I'm also going to support it. But one thing I'm not going to tolerate is you disrespecting her. That is the mother of three of your big headed children so give her the respect she deserves. She's in Miami and I'm going to check on her so I'll do my best to see if she’ll talk to you. No promises.”

“That's literally all I ask.”

“But if she says no, unless it has to do with your unborn children, you better leave her the fuck alone.”

Not realizing that you fell asleep after confronting Taylor, you woke up to see that it was dark outside and had no clue what time it was. Grabbing your phone and wincing from the light as you put your password in, you saw that it was around nine at night.

Sighing to yourself, you threw the comforter away from your body to make your way downstairs to come face to face with your older sister who was currently sitting in the living room and scrolling away on her phone. 

Hearing your footsteps come up behind her, she quickly greeted you.

“Lil Bit, I thought you were going to sleep until next week.”

“Uh? What are you doing here?” You sleepily asked as you rubbed your eyes.

“Don't you think I know when you need me?”

“I'm fine.”

“Are you?” She asked as you came to sit across from her.

You wanted to say yes, that you were indeed in fact fine, but the words just weren't coming out. Instead, something else did.

“I miss him and I HATE myself for feeling like this.” You breathed out while wrapping your arms around yourself.

“It's not like it was a one night stand. You two were MARRIED. And have known each other since you two were fourteen. That doesn't go away overnight. There's going to be ups and downs with healing from that. It isn't linear.”

“But I'm just so MAD at him for what he did. No matter how much he tries to take it back and apologize, what's done is done. And that song felt like a legit slap to the face.”

“He's not perfect, but neither are you. He definitely could have gone about it a different way, but what's done is done and the only thing you can do is move forward from it.”

“He called you, didn't he?” You asked as you were eyeing Dani.

“Maybe, maybe not.”

“DANIELLE….”

“He did and in not so many words, begged for me to convince you to talk to him and to stop ignoring his calls.”

“And? What did you tell him?”

“After I threatened him, I said that I would try to convince you, but no promises. He has a show in Miami in two days so I figured you two can talk then. If you want to, that is.”

“I don't know If I want to.” You answered being completely honest. 

“You said you missed him.”

“I miss a lot of things, but I've learned to adjust.”

“You aren't adjusting. You're avoiding it.”

“I don't remember asking for a therapy session.”

“Look, I get that you're hurting and want to take some time for yourself, but you cannot keep this bottled up because you are legit going to explode.” 

“What are people going to say if I take him back?”

“Who gives a flying fuck? That's your business and no one else's. Two people would be in that relationship and not the entire world.”

“But he legit disrespected me multiple times.” 

“Y/N, if you are looking for me to tell you what to do, it’s not going to happen. In the end, this has to be a decision that you have to live with. No one else. Just know that whatever you decide, I will support you 100%.”

Before you answered her, you simply sighed.

“What venue is he performing at on Saturday?”

—-

Saturday finally rolled around and you had been on edge for the entire day. The time for you to leave was inching closer and closer and you were seriously about to back out of it altogether. Taking a deep breath, you gave yourself a once over in the floor length mirror at your black dress that you were wearing along with a pair of your Steve Madden sandals and was satisfied with how the outfit came together. You had straightened your hair earlier in the day, so the only thing left to do was to confront him.

You had been confronting a lot of people lately and wanted for this to be the end of it.

Dani volunteered to go with you and the two of you rode in silence to the venue with her taking quick glances at you to see that you were scrolling on your phone from time to time. Once the two of you arrived and made your way inside, Jack was already on stage and Urban had quickly spotted the two of you.

“Hi Urby.” You said as he engulfed you in a bear hug.

“Hey, didn’t know you were coming tonight.”

“I didn’t know either until two days ago.”

“He’ll be happy to see you. Come this way so I can take you two backstage so you can watch from the side.”

“Hmm, we’ll see if that still rings true after I talk to him.”

All Urban did was hold his hands up in defense before shrugging since he knew that you were just about at your wits end with everything that had been going on. 

You and Dani quickly followed behind Urban and since everyone recognized you, you were able to get backstage with no problem. But you also knew in the back of your mind that your so-called ex-best friends were probably there as well, right along with Neelam. And of course she had spotted you.

“Y/N?”

“The one and only unless there’s another one that I don’t know about?” You quickly said to her as Dani stifled a laugh.

“Can we…?” She started to say, but you immediately cut her off.

“No. I’m here for one person and one person only. If I wanted to talk to any of the rest of you, I would have told you. I’ll let you know when I’m ready whenever that time comes.”

“I.. fair enough. You both can come over here to watch him from the side.”

It took less than five minutes for Jack to spot you standing on the side and he got the biggest smile on his face and you simply gave him a tight lipped smile in return. You did your part of willing to open the lines of communication, but if it was something that you didn’t want to hear, you were immediately going to cut it off.

Once his set was over, he quickly jogged off the stage towards you and opened his arms for a hug which surprisingly you actually returned.

You had missed this feeling. 

“Can we go somewhere and talk?” You asked him and he quickly nodded as he led the two of you to his dressing room.

Once the door was closed, you let him have it. 

“Babe? Is everything okay? What are you doing here? And I mean that in the best way possible.”

“Don't call me that, Jackman. You lost the privilege to do so. But let’s just cut to the chase shall we? You called Dani to get me to talk to you so here I am. Now onto my most pressing question, why didn't you tell me what Taylor did?” 

Jack, obviously taken aback, cleared his throat before answering you. And all he did was rock back and forth on his heels before sighing.

“Because I didn't think you would believe me if I had told you when it originally happened.”

“But not to say anything at all? You were supposed to protect me, we're supposed to protect each other! I had the fakest person under my nose for the longest and you said NOTHING.”

“I…. I didn't know what to do. You already didn't want to be bothered with me and I didn't want to create an even bigger mess. Wait, she told you?”

“Yes and kept asking me before she did if you had said something to me first.”

“I'm sorry, and I know that I should have. I would never cheat on you no matter how mad I might be. You mean too much to me for me to do that.”

“Hmm, your actions lately say otherwise. You hurt me with that shit you pulled and should have come and talked to me.”

“I know and I don't have an excuse for it. I just wish we could start over and just forget that any of this ever happened.”

“Do you honestly think that you deserve another chance?”

“Dani legit said the same thing.” He mumbled before taking a seat next to you and grabbing your left hand which was still decorated with your wedding ring. Except it wasn’t on your ring finger.

He began to play with it as he was waiting for you to say something.

“How do I know that something like this won’t ever happen again?” You asked and that was when he finally looked up at you.

“Because we’re going to communicate better and be honest with each other about how we’re feeling. That was my biggest downfall.”

“Hmm.”

“And I need to put you first. You were the one who was with me when I had absolutely nothing and I lost sight of that. Anytime I needed you, you were there but I didn’t give you that same treatment in return.”

“I want to believe you, I really do because I miss you, but… I just don’t know.”

“Y/N, please. Things are going to be different this time.”

“Maybe, but I don’t know if I’m at that point where I want to find out or not.” You answered being completely honest.

“Well, how long do you think that will take? You know I’m willing to wait. I legit do not want anyone else.”

“Only time will tell.” You shrugged while looking at him.

When he didn’t say anything else, you simply let go of his hand and began to get up.

“Wait, where are you going?”

“I did what you asked and I came and heard what you had to say, did I not?”

“Yes, but…”

“And now I’m leaving.”

“Baby girl, just…”

“Just, what, Jack? Just what? You said your piece and I’ve said mine. When I’m ready to take you back, you’ll know.” 

“I love you and I want this. I want us.” He said as he grabbed your hand and squeezed it.

“Yes, you’ve made that very clear and you’ve done it more than once.”

“At least just spend the night with me, let me take you out.”

“Maybe some other time. I’m pretty tired. I am pregnant, the last time I checked.”

“Okay, I get that. Some other time then.”

Jack then stood up and gave you another long embrace as he leaned down to kiss your forehead.

You then felt him cup your cheek and knew he wanted to kiss you. You wanted to kiss him too, but you definitely weren’t letting him back in that easily.

Instead of meeting his lips with yours, he met your cheek since you had turned your head and you heard him sigh.

“When I fully forgive you, you can give me as many kisses as your heart desires, but until then I need you to remember something for me.”

“What is it?

“Remember one thing, I'm not your girl.” You whispered against his lips before smirking and laughing to yourself as you made your way to the door of the dressing room.

“Drive Safe tonight, Jackman.” Was the last thing you said before you disappeared on the other side of the door leaving him absolutely speechless.

[urrockstar-xe]

baby blanket - j.m x fem!reader

posted may 10th, 2023 10:07 am

this is completely based on my actual real life baby blankets, enjoy. also it looks like they're looking directly at me in this gif and that scares me. - xx

masterlist

wordcount: 0.6k

s/o to pals for helping with the song choice :))

You felt the end of your bed dip as JJ flopped down onto it, immediately going to grab the small baby pink blanket away from you. You smiled, watching him mindlessly run the silky ends through his fingers over and over while he argued over something pointless with Kie. 

John B cut the arguing short when he noticed the blanket on JJ’s chest. “What is that?” 

Before you could answer his question, Sarah did it for you, “it’s one of her baby blankets,” her knowledge of this didn’t come as a surprise to any of you as she had spent a lot of time in your room over the last year. “No way that’s your baby blanket,” Pope said, standing from his spot at your desk and nearly snatching it away from jj, “Hey!” Pope ignored jj, examining the 16+ year old blanket. 

“Mine is in shreds, how the hell does yours look like this?” you shrugged in response, pulling another baby blanket off of one of your pillows, it looked the exact same as the pink one, just white. 

“What the fuck there's two?” Jj sat up as if he had just found out he got accepted into fucking Hogwarts. You laughed. “You never noticed it on my pillow? The one you are always sleeping on?” 

Jj took it from you, “well that would explain why it's so much softer than the other pillows.” 

“Oh she has two so you cheated the system!” Kie said in a teasing tone, a smile sitting on her lips. 

“Nuh-uh! I will not sit for these false allegations!” you stood up from your bed taking the pink blanket away from Pope, “My favorite was always the pink one, I honestly didn’t even know I had the white one ‘til I was like 9.” 

“How is it still in perfect condition then huh?” John B smirked at you, a sign of him simply giving you shit. “Guess I'm just like, better than all of you.” you shrugged, earning a laugh from the girls and scoffs and “pft”s from the boys. “And it’s not in perfect condition, the edges are a little frayed, but genuinely I have no idea how it’s still in such good condition,” 

Cleo smiled before speaking, “The baby blanket gods must love you,” 

You laughed sitting back down in your spot, allowing jj to use your lap as his very own pillow, still holding onto the white baby blanket. 

“I never had a baby blanket,” he said, 

“Really?” Sarah asked, astonished at this noise, even jb had one at some point.

It didn’t shock you that JJ never had one, knowing who raised him. “You can have that one,” your words shocked him, his reaction earning laughs and giggles from every one of your friends. “Really? You mean that?” his eyes were wide and his mouth was just slightly agape. 

“Course, j. I’d offer my pink one but that one’s kinda my favorite,” you smiled, watching as he settled back into place and just admired the small blanket. 

“It also says ‘thank heaven for little girls’ on it and it’d be a little weird for you to own something that says that” Pope pointed out, making his way back to your desk chair. 

“It’s a little weird for anyone to own something that says that,” John B responded, causing an incredibly stupid argument to break out between your friend group, but all you could focus on was how soft jj got at such a small thing, how he was already playing with the ends the way he did your fingers whenever you’d hold hands. 

JJ looked up at you once more, “You’re really lettin’ me keep this, baby?” you just nodded in response, playing with his hair. JJ smiled, looking back at the blanket.

“Thank you,”

[miffyisms]

⋆࿐໋˖𓍢ִִ໋ taylor swift - the tortured poets department (anthology) , ♡

various prompts from the selected media can be found below. it is important to read the rules of the receiving blog before sending any. feel free to change any pronouns to better suit your needs. the selected media can possibly be triggering to some, please be advised !

am i allowed to cry?

i don't cater to all these vipers dressed in empath's clothing.

nostalgia is a mind's trick.

i can hold my breath.

then we could all just laugh until i cry.

i'm seeing visions, am i bad?

it wasn't a fair fight or a clean kill.

just say when, i'd play again.

oh, was it punishment?

oh my god, you should see your faces.

blood's thick, but nothin' like a payroll.

now you know what it feels like.

you're in self-sabotage mode, throwing spikes down on the road.

this town is fake, but you're the real thing.

were you writing a book?

the devil that you know.

well, you took me to hell too.

six weeks of breathing clean air, i still miss the smoke.

go on, fuck me up.

you deserve prison, but you won't get time.

i touched you for only a fortnight.

honestly, who are we to fight the alchemy?

you say i abandoned the ship, but i was going down with it.

nothing makes me feel more alive.

who the fuck was that guy?

but when i count the scars, there's a moment of truth that there wouldn't be this if there hadn't been you.

even if i die screaming, i hope you hear it.

no one's ever had me, not like you.

yes, i'm haunted, but i'm feeling just fine.

i built a legacy that you can't undo.

fuck it if i can't have us.

i'm miserable!

i'm gonna get you back.

i'll tell you something about my good name, it's mine alone to disgrace.

so tell me everything is not about me, but what if it is?

my boy only breaks his favorite toys.

tell me all your secrets.

you know you're good when you can even do it with a broken heart.

what if your eyes looked up and met mine.

i swept in at the rescue.

now i'm down bad, crying at the gym.

i'm so afraid i sealed my fate.

i chose this cyclone with you.

all my mornings are mondays stuck in an endless february.

you were sleeping soundly when they dragged you from your bed.

it wasn't sexy once it wasn't forbidden.

i can't pretend like i understand.

i'm just getting color back into my face.

i'm pissed off you let me give you all that youth for free.

i stopped cpr, after all, it's no use

it was unnecessary, should've let it stay buried.

we both did the best we could do underneath the same moon.

you shit-talked me under the table.

touch me while your bros play grand theft auto.

you said you were gonna grow up then you were gonna come find me.

i'm combing through the braids of lies.

no way i'm gonna screw up, now that i know what's at stake.

you told me i'm the love of your life.

you kicked out the stage lights, but you're still performing.

tell me something awful.

i am what i am 'cause you trained me.

how did it end?

in fifty years will all this be declassified?

was any of it true?

there's a lot of people in town that i bestow upon my fakest smiles.

how dare you think it's romantic, leaving me safe and stranded.

they knew the whole time that i was onto something.

i just learned these people only raise you to cage you.

i dreamed about it in the dark the night i felt like i might die.

all of this to say, i hope you're okay.

i didn't opt in to be your odd man out.

move to florida, buy the car you want.

in plain sight you hid.

i'm bitter, but i swear i'm fine.

please, i've been on my knees.

just how low did you think i'd go before i'd self-implode?

who's gonna stop us from waltzing back into rekindled flames if we know the steps anyway?

pull me to the backseat.

way up there, i actually love it.

at dinner, you take my ring off my middle finger and put it on the one people put wedding rings on.

i hate it here.

what if the way you hold me is actually what's holy?

i should've known it was a matter of time.

they're gonna crucify me anyway.

he was my best friend.

this happens once every few lifetimes.

i can't forgive the way you made me feel.

does it feel alright to not know me?

you said some things that i can't unabsorb.

i just don't understand how you don't miss me.

i felt more when we played pretend.

the future's bright, dazzling.

i've seen this episode and still loved the show.

please know that i tried to hold onto the days when you were mine.

are you still a mind reader?

i'll save all my romanticism for my inner life and i'll get lost on purpose.

tell me i'm despicable, say it's unforgivable.

do you believe me now?

still alive, killing time at the cemetery

is it somethin' i did?

i read about it in a book when i was a precocious child.

you caged me, and then you called me crazy.

bet they never spared a prayer for my soul.

i stopped trying to make him laugh.

he just hadn't met me yet.

you ain't gotta pray for me.

i won't confess that i waited, but i let the lamp burn.

all your life, did you know you'd be picked like a rose?

i'm tryin' to stifle my sighs.

if you wanted me dead, you should've just said.

it's happening again.

i don't think you've changed much.

are you gonna marry, kiss, or kill me?

i don't believe in good luck now that i know what's what.

all that time you were throwing punches, i was building something.

i know i'm just repeating myself.

fuck 'em, it's over.

little did you know, your home's really only a town you're just a guest in.

i wanna kill him.

i forget if this was ever fun.

love's never lost when perspective is earned.

you didn't measure up in any measure of a man.

my friends used to play a game where we would pick a decade we wished we could live in instead of this.

if you want to tear my world apart just say you've always wondered.

what we thought was for all time, was momentary.

do that impression you did of your dad again.

you see i was a debutant in another life but now i seem to be scared to go outside.

you just watched it happen.

so if you want to break my cold, cold heart, say you loved me.

what a charming saturday.

they tried to warn him about her.

then say they didn't do it to hurt me, but what if they did?

i just don't understand.

i was a functioning alcoholic 'till nobody noticed my new aesthetic.

no one asks any questions here.

my friends said it isn't right to be scared.

now i want to sell my house and set fire to all my clothes.

were you making fun of me with some esoteric joke?

you'll find someone.

old habits die screaming.

i know he's crazy but he's the one i want.

did you sleep with a gun underneath our bed?

fuck you if i can't have us.

we were blind to unforeseen circumstances.

i wish i could un-recall how we almost had it all.

trust me, i can handle me a dangerous man.

you're the loss of my life.

i cry a lot, but i am so productive.

who's afraid of little old me?

it was legendary.

i keep recalling things we never did.

i still ponder what it meant.

and who's gonna know you, if not me?

you wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me.

i'm just mad as hell 'cause i loved this place.

your words are still just ringing in my head.

the story isn't mine anymore.

i'm lonely, but i'm good.

i tried to warn you about them.

fresh out the slammer, i know who my first call will be to.

i look in people's windows.

i will never lose my baby again.

looking backwards might be the only way to move forward.

i choose you and me religiously.

i got cursed like eve got bitten.

i would've died for your sins, instead i just died inside.

well, me and my ghosts, we had a hell of a time.

life was always easier on you than it was on me.

you don't get to tell me about "sad".

i'm not a donor but i'd give you my heart if you needed it.

do you hate me?

you don't get to tell me you feel bad.

i was supposed to be sent away, but they forgot to come and get me.

if i'd been there, i'd hate it.

stay away from her.

i can do it with a broken heart.

you cinephile in black and white.

were you sent by someone who wanted me dead?

but what about your quiet treason?

i hoped you'd return.

i took the miracle move-on drug, the effects were temporary.

i can take the upper hand and touch your body.

i'd rather burn my whole life down than listen to one more second of all this bitching and moaning.

oh, what a way to die.

i'll tell you one thing honey, i can tell when somebody still wants me.

this place made me feel worthless.

my husband is cheating.

my beloved ghost and me.

i keep finding his things in drawers.

did you take all my old clothes?

even if it's handcuffed, i'm leaving here with you.

i'm so obsessed with him, but he avoids me like the plague.

no, i'm not coming to my senses.

we've already done it in my head.

that's the closest i've come to my heart exploding.

no matter what i've done, it wouldn't matter anyway.

everyone knows that my mother is a saintly woman but she used to say she wished that you were dead.

sometimes i wonder if you're gonna screw this up with me.

good boy, that's right.

let it once be me.

lights, camera, bitch, smile.

it's hell on earth to be heavenly.

i'm runnin' back home to you.

one bad seed kills the garden.

i've been doing it since he left.

they say what doesn't kill you makes you aware, what happens if it becomes who you are?

i was tame, i was gentle till the circus life made me mean.

the hospital was a drag, worst sleep that i ever had.

oh, here we go again.

we learned the right steps to different dances.

i haven't come around in so long.

god save the most judgmental creeps who say they want what's best for me.

'cause i'm a real tough kid, i can handle my shit.

i'll tell you how i've been there too, and that none of it matters.

i'm having his baby.

once i fix me, he's gonna miss me.

no, you can't come to the wedding.

you swore that you loved me, but where were the clues?

but you should've seen him when he first got me.

i'm sure i can pass this test.

they tried to warn you about me.

come close, i'll show you heaven if you'll be an angel all night.

what if i told you i'm back?

i'm there most of the year 'cause i hate it here.

i may never open up the way i did for you.

you left your typewriter at my apartment.

oh, we must stop meeting like this.

scandal does funny things to pride.

tell me 'bout the first time you saw me.

it's gonna be alright, i did my time.

and for a fortnight there we were forever.

i thought it was just goodbye for now.

i love you, it's ruining my life.

i'm not trying to exaggerate, but i think i might die if it happened.

i might just die, it would make no difference.

i'll forget you, but i'll never forgive.

a greater woman stays cool, but i howl like a wolf at the moon.

a greater woman wouldn't beg.

pick your poison, babe.

i died on the altar waiting for the proof.

can we watch our phantoms like watching wild horses?

i don't even want you back, i just want to know.

they'll say i'm nuts if i talk about the existence of you.

way to go, tiger.

were you a sleeper cell spy?

you are bloodthirsty.

you said i needed a brave man, then proceeded to play him until i believed it too.

someone told me there's no such thing as bad thoughts.

i can fix him, no really i can.

you needed me, but you needed drugs more.

thought of calling ya, but you won't pick up.

who do i have to speak to about if they can redo the prophecy?

you're in terrible danger.

i want to snarl and show you just how disturbed this has made me.

you are what you did.

fuck it, i was in love.

for a moment, i knew cosmic love

you're the new god we're worshipping.

you gotta fake it 'till you make it, and i did.

i wanna kill her.

did you think i had in me?

you said normal girls were "boring".

and who's gonna hold you like me?

no one here's to blame.

even statues crumble if they're made to wait.

you can mark my words that i said it first.

one last souvenir from my trip to your shores

i'm so depressed, i act like it's my birthday every day.

how can i be guilty as sin?

you were gone by the morning.

i'm always drunk on my own tears, isn't that what they all said?

he said he'd love me all his life.

who else decodes you?

fuck it if i can't have him.

i just learned these people try and save you 'cause they hate you.

tell me all that you'd learned.

you're an animal.

you already know, babe.

growing up precocious sometimes means not growing up at all.

i loved your hostile takeovers.

you and i go from one kiss to getting married.

[hangingslothcentral]

Today is the fourth anniversary of the day I launched Spirit Box Radio, and it's also the last day of trans awareness week.

I have a lot of big feelings about SBR. If you've listened to the show, you'll know that I was medically transitioning through its release. I went on T at the show's midpoint, in the middle of S2, and my voice was changing throughout the rest of the show's run. I got top surgery two months after the show ended, almost exactly to the day.

Now. We're all big enough and daft enough to be able to have a grown up conversation about this, I think. So here's some stuff about that experience I haven't really talked about before.

1. I wish there had been media which had trans creators transitioning alongside a character who is transitioning when I was younger. The main reason for this is that it would have been representation of trans people, but honestly? The main thing I wanted was to see someone transitioning over a long period of time. So often, transition seems to happen behind closed doors. Unless you are lucky enough to have lots of trans people around you (I grew up in semi-rural Wales so no luck for me there) you just do not see it happening. People, understandably, want to hide the length of the process, the messy in between stages.

2. Transitioning and playing Sam transitioning simultaneous to me was one of the most mentally challenging and emotionally vulnerable things I've ever done. I do not say this lightly; I'm a survivor of abuse and I've seen a lot of shit in my life. I've come out as nonbinary at a corporate job and argued with a university about changing my name on my graduation certificate. As much as I loved it, and still love it, and I'm intensely proud of it and SO glad it exists, making SBR was fucking brutal. Hours of editing my own voice through a period where it sounded different on a near-weekly basis. Having no idea how I sounded anymore and posting episodes anyway. Dealing with the emotional fallout of people responding weirdly to me in my real, actual life whilst portraying a character who is outcast, isolated, and terrified of himself? Challenging as fuck.

3. Many people need to examine the way they're talking about trans men. The conversations around Sam shifted very violently as my voice dropped. This is in part due to the arc this character follows, but it's hard not to notice a shift in language as dramatic as this. It started as soon as the show came back from its S2 midseason break and my voice had shifted down a bit. People talked less about Sam being cute, and for the first time, I started to see people talking about him like he was sexy. These things aren't mutually exclusive, but it was very noticeable to me, especially in contrast to conversations about Oliver, Sam's hot, cis gender, florist boyfriend, who was categorised as sexy from the off. Before my voice dropped, even though they were using the right pronouns for them, people talked about Sam with very feminine, infantilising language, and this almost entirely stopped when my voice dropped.

4. I am so fucking glad I did this. Yes, it was brutal, emotional, and I really struggled through a lot of this process, and I am so glad I did this. I will have the immense privilege of medically transitioning in the way I have over the last few years exactly once in my life. I am glad I took that vulnerable moment and made art with it. I'm glad that my transition is captured and mirrored by this thing I was making at the time it was happening. I'm glad that thousands of other trans people have listened to the show and have heard me doing this as they are doing it, or before they do it, or after, or as they're deciding not to, or finding out they can't, or realising they'll never have the chance, or any one of the myriad experiences of transness that exist. I am, frankly, honoured to have been a part of such a vulnerable aspect in the lives of so many people.

Thank you for reading this. Thank you for listening to the show, if indeed you already have. If you enjoy my work, I would love to be able to pay my bills and be able to keep making it. I have never made even minimum wage for the work I do on my shows. Please consider becoming a member.

[sirfrogsworth]

Very personal question so I understand if you don't want to answer. Did your diagnosis feel like a relief, socially? Mine isn't the same, but on one hand I feel relieved to have an "excuse" for being so friggin tired all the time. Society can't "morally" call me weak or lazy anymore. I can actually get some of the rest I need, without people judging me as harshly for it. No one's going to smack a chemo patient and tell me to be productive at all times... I find it sad that I have to have a justification for being exhausted. Nothing's really changed besides a label, but I'm suddenly allowed to feel like shit when I wasn't before.

I have a weird relationship with my diagnosis.

CFS doesn't have a blood test. It doesn't have a genre of specialists who are trained with a specific diagnostic protocol. The only CFS specialists are doctors who took it upon themselves to learn more about the condition and then self-label as specialists. Which unfortunately means there is a high rate of CFS quacks.

To get a diagnosis you have to go to every doctor you can think of, in every specialty you can think of, and gather negative diagnoses like Pokemon. And once you have ruled everything out, you have to find a doctor that kinda/sorta knows what CFS is, and they will officially declare you have tried everything and *probably* have CFS.

And even though most people with CFS are 99.9999% sure they have CFS, there is still that anxiety in the back of our minds that can't help but doubt.

Then there is the social stigma (which is improving) where new people you encounter, doctors, and sometimes even close friends and family, will very much doubt you have the illness. They might think you are being dramatic. Or you are exaggerating. Or they will think you have depression for years and shock your brain. They will think "Well, I get tired too." Or they won't believe there is nothing you can do about it. They still have that mindset "If I had that, I could get better." Or they will think, "If I had that, I could push through it with my epic constitution and boomer work ethic."

So, honestly, I am still kind of waiting for my diagnosis in a way. Every year or so an article will drop saying "The CFS blood test is almost here!" and then no further details. That damned blood test has been coming every year for like 15 years now. It's like cold fusion.

But I will say, when something else is wrong with me and there is a definitive test or a firm diagnosis from a proper specialist—that definitely feels like a relief. I am so tired of my body manifesting medical mysteries that even when something is terribly wrong with me, if I know exactly what it is, I am almost chuffed about it.

Doctor: The blood tests came back and you have life threatening sepsis. We will need to perform surgery to remove a giant piece of your back skin.

Me: Neat!

True story. (Warning: Very gross)

When I took my sleep study nap test and they were like, "Yep, you got narcolepsy as well." I was so happy that I had a "real" illness that I could use to convince doubters I was sick. Unfortunately everyone thinks narcolepsy is just falling asleep at weird times and they don't understand it much beyond that. So that wasn't as helpful as I initially hoped.

Now that Long COVID is causing serious cases of CFS, I have noticed a few people taking it a bit more seriously. But I have two uncles who think I am weak and lazy and was just mooching off my parents for 20 years. And apparently I have been disowned from that side of the family because of it.

But if that blood test ever actually happens I will come back to this post and let you know.

I'm sorry you required a diagnosis for people to take you seriously. But I hope your treatment is successful and you can just be healthy and not have to worry about stigmas. I'm rooting for you. Get that rest and take care of yourself.

[deadrayg2mf]

The Gargoyle's Captive (A Deal with a Demon #3) by Katee Robert

Honestly, like, what do I even say at this point that ya'll haven't heard from me about how much I freakin' love Katee Robert and this series. I will keep this one brief for real because if I don't it'll just be like "Oh my god, Ray, shut the fuck up we get it - this book came out three months ago you're late to the party!"

Okay, so aside from it being Katee freakin' Robert, this book is full of enemies to lovers, femdom, grief-consumed protags, and - my favorite, of course - angst. Yeah, did I see the plot twist coming from a mile away? One thousand percent. Did I care? Frick no. Okay, so we're following the same story - deal with a demon, seven years basically married to leader of demon territory, maybe a baby... But this time, it's Grace the monster hunter and Bram the Gargoyle.

Grace is another enjoyable female lead who is a headstrong take-no-shit kinda gal, probably what you would expect from someone who makes a living out of hunting monsters. She's the last of her family and she's really only here for answers because Azazel happens to be the same demon her mother, who disappeared, made a bargain with, and by golly, she is going to get those answers even if it means selling seven years of her life. Bram is traumatized, grief-stricken, lonely, and at this point has the most sad-boy, giving up on life, fuck it energy I've ever seen in a protagonist - and I am so here for it. I eat that shit up. I love the tragics - stories and characters. He's also the last of his family after his entire family was murdered by an outsider his father brought in. He doesn't actually really want to be there but the opportunity and benefits it brings are too good to pass up, especially when you're in the leadership position he is...

I loved the story clearly, and really liked how handling grief was portrayed, no two people will be able to handle it the same even when they are in the same situation. Grace dug her heels in and became even more stalwart and determined while Bram gave in to the grief of loss and resigned himself to an empty life... and even potentially having it purposely ended at the hands of a scrappy little monster hunter in the bath... They are two people coming to terms with events of the past, the shadow of their parents, and suddenly dealing with someone new who they bought at an auction/got auctioned to for the next seven years that they don't necessarily get along with. That's right, they're totally toxic for each other. Don't worry, we're always promising happy endings here :) It's fast paced, there's a lot to get through in 186 pages, but I really think it was done to the best of its ability. Do I wish this was 500 pages? Uh, YEAH, but it is what it is and what it is, is really good. I will admit... it took me a hot minute to slug through obviously. I actually feel a little bad about this review because I was kind of forcing myself to read this. I wasn't in the right headspace and so while objectively I knew I was enjoying it I was also aware that I was, like, not locked in. I am very much intending to reread it when I'm not begrudgingly reading while rotting in bed just because nothing sounds enjoyable.

With that, I swear I am not just pulling shit out of my ass with everything I've told you. I really did enjoy the book, I love the way it's written, I liked the characters, the cover art is amazing, and it's just another great addition to the Deal with a Demon series. I think I'll give it a solid.... 7.9/10 with subject to change in the future :)

Would I read again? Yes, I plan to. Once the pesky ole depression and imminent demise anxiety wear off.

Would I recommend? Of cousre, I'm always recommending Katee Robert... I'm not sure what happens on the day I don't...? Does the world end?

[silvershiningtarot]

✨PAC18+ Channeled Messages From Your FS..... 💘💋💘

🪬Some of you say you wanted channeled Messages from your Future Spouses. But with more detail.💋 Thank You @fae-ngel for the details of the channel's message from y'all future spouses. If some of you guys feel offended about the religion thing don't read this. In the last pile. You can pick more than one pile. Remember this is a general reading.

👋🏽Hey baby, I hope that you are doing okay. I haven't been on my best behavior lately. I wanna tell you something, but I can't. For years I have been lied to. Cheated on and stabbed in the back. Since yesterday I got hurt by a friend. I almost got into a bad fight with one of my friends. I've been out drinking, partying, and smoking. Keeping myself distracted so I won't fucking hurt myself. So I want to cry 😭 so bad. But I can't. I hate that I have to keep a fucking smile on my face. I hate I have to deal with my responsibility without any fucking help. I need help. Not professional. But love help, nurturing help, and support help. I wish someone who is right now out there to help me. But there isn't. I know I can't quit my job. How am I supposed to feed my kids? Feed my family, feed my team. Of course, feed myself. Every time I tried to get a little piece and quiet to myself. Somebody or something always gets in the way. This fucking ex of mine is always on me. Yeah, I know it's my fucking fault. But hell I'm trying. I know I keep getting robbed and played by her. But I won't lie to you. I don't like to be alone. I get scared when I'm alone. I know right, the person who's complaining about wanting to be alone. I don't like to be with my thoughts. It is scary sometimes. You get it right! I've lived in darkness my whole life. Until my kids came along. But still... These thoughts, and memories. It’s scary. That's even half of the shit. I'm telling you about. Anyways, let me tell you something.. I've faced a lot of challenges in my life. Face them!! I did. I dream about you constantly, so my question is this. When are you going to come to me? I've been waiting and waiting for you. I know it sounds impatient. But I am❗. Whatever you go through right now or for a while. Fight that shit. Close your eyes and pretend I'm there fighting with you not against you. Because whenever I close my eyes can see it. You are with me every single time. Fighting my life with me. I know I go thinking that your energy is in my ex. But it isn't but it isn't. Okay, don't be mad at me! I can feel your anger when I said that. Haha 😂. Baby, you should go out and date other people. You shouldn't wait on me. That's kinda fucked up for you to wait on me. While I'm stuck! I should ask myself this! To My future wife! Should I keep you stuck with me? Tuh Hell NOO!! I wouldn't want my daughters to be waiting on some dude they haven't met yet. I haven't met you yet... Ooh, I have a song for us. That's a song I'm dedicating to us. I hope you like it. I just haven't met you yet. Once I do! I'll be screaming 🙀 saying YAY!!!!!!!! FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You take my breath away every time I see you in my dreams. The sad part is when I wake up early in the rising... That's right I said Rising! I took your word!! Haha 😂 anyway, when I get up I can't remember your face. Do you honestly think about me? Answer these questions for me. I'm serious Comment it down if you have to. How come you don't invite me back into your dream? What's keeping you from me? Did I do something wrong? I hope that didn't. Maybe, you should talk to me in the middle of the night. With your lights off and just call me in. I bet I'll come to you in a heartbeat. I mean Duh, I am your husband. Well not yet! I hope I can be your husband. It would be an honor to be your husband. This life, the next life, in the stars.. Or whatever I hope I come down being your husband or wife forever. I am your partner. You know what so fucking funny! I think you send me a message in my dream. But fucking deadasss!!! For the life of me, I can't remember! Do you get like that? But For the real answer. The funny thing is. I am crazy about you but again I haven't met you yet. I know you probably won't talk to me! But hear me out. Don't be mad. Please, please 🙏🏾 I won't forgive myself if you are mad at me for this. Hold up let me get myself together. Okay, (clear throat) I told my ex about you. I told her I fantasized about you when I'm sleeping with her. When she was kissing me I wiped that shit off fast.

Whenever her back is turned I wiped her lips off of me. These lips 💋 are yours. My body is yours. But again, I am sorry for the wait but I ain't sorry that you got to wait. I know it sounds harsh. Let me tell you why!! Because your mind, body, heart, and soul are mine. That isn't fair to someone else to have to take it from me. I'll hunt them down if anyone touches you. Even from a far distance, I'll still hunt those dudes down if they ever try. So yeah I haven't been on my best behavior. Now you know why. Anyways, I love you darling. Remember that's your name always with me... Darling.

🌟Hello, my cupcake.

How's my cutie doing? I just wanted to tell you thank you. Thank you for still believing in us and our connection. You holding out strong. I've never had anyone who holds out like that. Thank you. I am dating around. Just putting myself out there. My advice to you is don't check up on me. Don't check up on me on social media, videos, or anything. I want you to start dating yourself. I want you to focus on yourself. So we both can become a little closer🙏🏾. It seems that you were afraid of me. I came to you into your dream today. Don't you remember? But you kept swerving around. So I stop following you for a minute. Until you called out my name in my dream. Only you know who this is. Keep it to your chest. The reason why I say date yourself is because I'm scared for you to find someone that's out there for you. You'll forget about me. I know I never experience someone like you and you never experience someone like me. Are you ready to? I feel like I kinda am ready to experience someone like you. I wanna get to know you a little bit more. Your energy and your spirit are here with me. I know it is your spirit next to me. I can feel it next to me. I told you a little bit about my past. I've cried to you. I am so comfortable with you. You know what's so funny... You always lay on me in your dreams. I can tell that you are comfortable with me too. Shush 🤫 that's a good thing. I'm glad you didn't judge me for my past. The mistakes I've made. You let me tear it down. Thank you. Do you know how special you are? I feel that you've been through a lot. Oh, damn! When you laid on me. I didn't just cry because of my past. I've cried to you too. Are you ready to start a new life with me? A new family with me. Our marriage, relationships, and our kids. Are you ready to be my wife/husband? Ask yourself this baby. It is scary once we are in it together. It's going to be hella fucking scary. But one thing I know today is that we will have each other. I haven't met you yet. But one thing is. I wanna dedicated a song to you real quick. Listen to both songs. I'm serious. They are for you, baby. Slowly listen to my words. Let my words from my song speak to you. Just as your present speaks to me. Your spirit talks to me all the time. I talk to myself all the time. I never thought in my life, I felt this way about you. The closer I'm getting towards you. I can feel you getting stronger. I'm not joking about this. I know I may sound 📢 crazy. I'm being honest with you. Anyways, I'm done talking right now. I'm assigning you homework. Those two songs give you! You better tell me what these songs mean to you. I can feel our connection getting stronger and closer. But of course, I keep thinking it was someone else. But it isn't. I know it's you. I just have to convince myself more.

🧑🏾‍❤️‍💋‍🧑🏾oh my sweetheart.

Have you been eating? I can see you putting on weight. I've been watching you left to right. How's your family doing? You told me you've been dealing with a lot of toxicity. So have I. The reason why is that my mother has been lying to me. She kept a lot of secrets from me. That I haven't even known. She told me things I wish no man or any child had to experience that shit. I felt that my mother wasn't sure about having me. I guess I was a third-party child. It was a one-night stand when she had me. But anyway, let's talk about us. I want to say to you that... You are the most important person in my life. I know I’ve kept talking about my mother. But she told me that you're nothing but a fantasy I'll never get to meet you. Never! You hear that bullshit. I tried telling my friends and other people but they laugh at me. I feel completely alone. Can you talk to me? Can I have a moment of your time? Just for a moment. Don't worry I don't live with my mother she lives with me. Even if I did live with my mother. Would you still date me? That's not the point but I'm sorry for feeling all insecure about us. I know I am the one who's holding us back. I've been wishing that you were right here by my side. Can we run away together once we meet? Please. This distance I can't deal with it. Can just two people who are meant to be just be together? That isn't fair, right? Don't you agree with me? Anyways, my shining light 💡. You light up my world when I think about you. When I talk to my boss and friends or even be on dates with different women I've been zoning out from them. Because they are boring as hell. Like ugh, I wanna have a real conversation with you. I wanna talk to you. I feel like the universe is holding us back. I'm about to say fuck it! Say, let's go ahead and find each other. I don’t care if I have to push through people and other forces get to you then I fucking will. I am tired of being patient here. What do you have to do? What do I gotta do? I am sorry for the yelling and the frustration. But I am frustrated. Anyways, this is what I'm going through. Don't worry everything will be perfect once we both lock eyes with each other. Everything is coming together soon.

💘Ahh, are you Cupid? Because baby your arrow shoot my heart 💘. I wanna tell you my name. But I think you know my name already. Think harder and look deeper. I know a lot of women think I'm very handsome and charming and have a lot of women coming after me. Which I do. But guess what though. You swept me off my feet. The only person I wanna chase after is you. I don't know how you do it but you just do. I love how you shot fire with your words. The way you way rap, move your body, and the way you maneuver your words. God! That shit is fucking sexy. I know I should speak the lord's name in vain. However, I ain't burning in hell. Unless you coming with me. Then I'm alright with that. My health has been up and down lately. In and out of the hospital 🚑 left to right. But don't give me your sympathy. I don’t fucking need it. I know It sounds like I don't open up. But I don't. But you!! YOU!! I don't know what kind of spell you put on me. I've tried to run away from you, ignore you, block you out of my head, dreams, and energy 🔋. You are so goddamn strong. Tell me! What makes you so powerful? What do you do? Are you a witch? If you are then cast me a spell right in front of me. I don't believe in magic ✨ but for some damn reason! Boom 💣 here you come. I won't lie to you. I wanna fuck you. You are drop-dead gorgeous. But even from a distance, you torture me. I don't know if it is a good thing. So it's a good thing. No matter how hard I've tried to forget about you, there you are. It's like ugh, WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME?! tell me now! It's such a good feeling. I don't know how to describe this feeling. Maybe it's lust between you and me. Maybe, the truth is. I'm falling for you from a distance. I've fucked so many women just to stop thinking about you. But you won't go away from me. I hope that you know this. Honestly, you did this to me. I hope you are happy. You got me a simp for you. I talk to a psychic just to get you out of my mind, heart, and body. When I lay in bed. I can feel your head and skin on me. Especially, when you are out of the shower 🛁 😂😏😏😏. I'm a horny guy/girl. I'm always horny. But you made me feel like I'm a changed man/woman. I don't even know yet! Whatever you are doing!! Cut it out! Because I will find you❤️ I've got a lot of money 💵 I'll find you I don't know how but I will. The second I rest my head, you come straight into my dreams. You fucking siren! It's your voice and your entire aura pulls into your arms. Nah! I'm a master. Don't tell anyone this keep this between you and me. You make me weak. I can feel my bones 🦴 weak. Ugh, it's sad that you aren't here yet. So whatever you are doing!! I want you to..... Keep doing it. 🫦🫦🫦🫦🫦.

[ghostlylittlemoths]

Jackson!Ellie x Reader

Wc: more than 3 words Cw: Fluff, friends to lovers, talk of past violence, kissing, reader has lip piercings bc why not, Glasgow smile(look it up), use of y/n like once, reader has an accent, beginning takes place when Joel and Ellie first make it to Jackson.

Your pov

I sat in my room as I read a book on my bed. It honestly wasn't that good but it was better than nothing and I was bored. I was deep into my book when I heard a knock at my front door. Opening it to my surprise I see Tommy with a small smile on his face.

"Guess who is here? I talk about him a lot" Tommy said trying to hide his excitement. I thought for a second. Then it hit me, Joel. He talks of his brother Joel a lot.

"Is it Joel?" I say as a question even thought I was most likely right. "Yeah it is. I really want you to meet him. Aaand he brought a girl about your age and I thought you two could be friends. It would do you good to have a friend that isn't just Jesse." Tommy said matter-of-factly at the thought of me needing not than one friend.

"Well if it gets ya to stop saying I need friends I guess I'll meet her and Joel" I say as I play with one of the piercings on my lip and turn around to grab my hat that I never leave my room without. "Great we are gonna meet them at the Tipsy Bison so let's go." Tommy says as he walks away from my door and out of my house. 'This'll be fun...'

Walking out of the house, me and Tommy walked in silence all the way to the Tipsy Bison. Walking in I immediately notice I girl I had never seen and a guy I knew was Joel since I had seen his picture more times than I can count. "So this is Joel and this is..." Tommy said blanking out on the girls name.

"Ellie, my name is Ellie." The girl now known as Ellie said. "Ellie, that's right sorry I know you just told me" Tommy said as I shook Joel's hand and switch to Ellie's hand. "Hello I'm Y/n but y'all can call me n/n" I said with a smile on my face as I tried to make a good first impression. I looked at Ellie and I could tell she was looking at my mouth and I could tell she was trying not to ask about it. So she just gave me a small little smile.

We all sat and talked for what felt like hours when I looked at the clock and noticed how late it was. "Well I better get goin' I'm beat. I'll see yall tomorrow" I said as I stood up from my seat but before I could walk out Joel called out to me.

"Hey kid, could you take Ellie with you I'm gonna stay for a bit longer if thats okay with you?" Joel asked me as he looked at Ellie who had a 'what are you doing?' look on her face. I thought for a second before responding. "Sure as long as you tell me what house I'm looking for so I don't bring her to the wrong house" I say with a little snicker. Joel tells me what house to look out for and me and Ellie were off. The walk started off quiet but was soon broken by Ellie.

"So...how did you get those piercings?" Ellie asked as she looked at my bottom lip. "I did it myself 'bout a year ago as a little 'fuck you' to my dad" I told Ellie. "Oh shit, what did he do to make you do that?" She asked. "Nothin' I was just at a rebellious state I'm my life and wanted to do something to make him mad." I said with a short laugh as she laughed too. I could tell thats not what she intended on asking but I could feel her staring at my cheek.

"You can ask about it y'know." I said as I smiled at her and watched her take a small breath in. "I could feel you starin' all night" I said. "Okay... how did you get that scare on your mouth if you don't mind saying?" Ellie asked as she waited for a response.

"About 2 maybe 3 years ago me and my dad were ambushed my raiders for things we didn't even have. I fought back and I was pinned down by a girl maybe about 3 years older than me and she was sayin' things along the lines of 'give us what we want' and shit like that. I spat at her. Stupid I know and the next thin I know my mouth was forced open and she took a pair of big scissors and *kik* cut the corner of my mouth to the middle of my cheek." I finished as ellie looked at me with wide eyes.

"Damn.. sorry that happened to you" ellie said quietly. "Ehh its okay i don't really care about it. It happened and I moved on from it. Its wasn't the end of the world and honestly it didn't really bother me to begin with."I said as i tried to lighten the mood.

"Well here we are. Thanks for walking and talking with me I guess" Ellie said as she walked up the porch and I stood at the bottom of the steps.

"No problem its been a while since I talked with anyone that wasn't Tommy or my friend Jesse. Its a nice change" I said as a I gave Ellie a smile and she smiled back.

"Thats kinda sad but I won't keep you out longer so goodnight I'll probably see you tomorrow" Ellie said as she opened the door to her house.

"I know.. well goodnight to you too Ellie I hope we can be friends" I say as I gave her a small wave and walked away to go back home and to pass the hell out.

5 years later

2nd person pov

You woke up to the sound of banging on your front door. Half asleep you got up to put some pants on and ran to the door as the banging got harder and louder. 'God fuckin' damn im comin', fuck' you thought as you reached the door and opened it. You opened the door to see Ellie standing there with a smile.

"What the FUCK could you possibly want from me at this damn hour" you said coming off a bit more rude than you intended. "Well damn if I would have known you would be a dick I wouldn't have come" Ellie said crossing her arms at you pretending to feel hurt.

"I'm sorry. What do you need this fine mornin'" you say with sarcasm in your voice as you let Ellie in past you.

"Nothing really just wanted to hang out before we go out on patrol in 2 hours" Ellie said as she sat on your couch with a bottle of water she stole of your table. Opening the bottle you watched as she drank it.

Over the past 5 years you had developed a little crush on Ellie but didn't act on it in fear of messing up your friendship or making her uncomfortable if she didn't feel the same for you. You had dropped subtle hints but stopped after you didn't get any reaction from her.

"Hang out? Thats it? You were bangin' on my door like you were fuckin' dyin' or crazy." You said as you sat next to her facing her on the couch. You grabbed the water from her as she placed it down. Downing the rest of it and tossing it in the trash that was next to the couch.

"Yeah, unless... you want to do something more" Ellie said as she put her hand on your thigh and leaned close to your face. You back away slightly.

"In your dreams Williams" you say as you tilt your head back to cool the heat rising to your face. You hear her laugh and say something to herself that you didnt catch. Stretching your legs out on Ellies thighs you looked back at her noticing she had already kicked off her shoes and jacket as she rested her hands on your legs.

"We have come so far in just 5 years. Just think about it we only really became friends because Joel didn't trust me walking back to our house by myself. And the look on your face when he stopped you from walking out." Ellie said as she laughed at the memory.

You laughed out your nose at the memory and just looked at Ellie. She was just so pretty you always thought she was pretty from the moment you met her. You noticed a peice of her had fallen out of her little pony tail. Before you could stop your hand from reaching out you had already made contact with her hair and pushed it behind her ear. Ellie just looked at you.

"Shit sorry I dont know what I was thinkin'" you say as you pull your hand and legs from Ellie. But before you could full more away from her, she grabbed your hand, holding it in hers. You watch as Ellie opens her mouth so say something and as she closes it as if she didn't want to say what she was thinking about.

You had looked away from Ellie but you felt her move and you looked back only to be stopped by the feeling of something on your lips. You watch as Ellie pulls away from your lips. You watch Ellie quickly push your legs of her and stand up.

"Holy shit I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you uncomfo-" you stop Ellie from talking with a kiss to her lips. You can feel Ellie tense then relax against your lips. You feel her wrap her arms around your waist as she pulls you closer to her.

"God I have been waiting for this" you feel Ellie say against your lips. You kiss for what feels like hours. You pull away from her and you rest your forehead against hers trying to catch your breaths. You wrap you arms around her neck and you move your head to rest on her shoulder.

"I've liked you for so long but I didn't think you like me back hell or that you even liked girls" Ellies says as she rubs her hands on your sides. You pressed you lips to the side of Ellies jaw. The feeling of your somewhat cold piercings made her shiver.

"I thought the same 'bout you minus the likin' girls part 'cause I already knew" you say into her neck as you pull her closer to you.

"Can I officially say you are my girlfriend now?" Ellie asks with a small smile as she now rubs your back and kisses your shoulder.

"Gladly" you say with a smile as you give her another kiss.

That was longer than I expected it to be im not the greatest at writing but I was kinda just goin with the flow and kept writing i hoped yall liked it and give me any feedback on things I can improve also give me some requests on things I should write in the future

[mandareeboo]

Unfinished Work #60: "Untitled" (Finished)

I never felt up to publishing this, but I've been rewatching BoJack and felt it'd be good to put here! A little goodbye to an old friend between Hollyhock and Diane.

Title: N/A

Summary: N/A

"Sorry about this," the horse said. "You're probably really busy with writer things."

"You wanna know what I was going to do before coming out on the porch to have a smoke and chat with you?" Diane asked dryly. "I was about ten seconds away from telling my husband I was going out onto the porch to have a smoke. It's not even half the inconvenience you think it is."

"Oh," she responded, and fell silent.

Diane let out a gust of lung cancer in a long, drawn-out sigh. Texas is pretty in postcards but hotter than the sun in person, with the added bonus of all sorts of creepy crawlies straight out of the official nightmare catalogue, but it's kind of nice? There's trees everywhere. Lots of open, bumpy land. The spider currently weaving its web a few feet from her isn't even venomous- it's an orb weaver of some sort. All in all, better than death.

It'd be nicer if her company talked, though.

"Let me guess," Diane prompted, making her jump. "You're Hollyhock, right?"

"Bojack told you about me?" Hollyhock asked, ignoring her question.

"He told all his friends about you. He was really excited to have family he didn't loathe with all his being."

"Oh," she repeated, softer this time.

"Relax, you're not gonna end up on his wiki page or anything. And, for what it's worth, I'm really happy to meet you in person. You're shorter than I thought you'd be."

Hollyhock looked at her hands, where her phone was situated, then back at Diane. "Bojack's told me about you, too. He talked a lot about a lot of things, but you especially."

"And that made you think I had answers?"

She shrugged helplessly.

Diane took another drag. "You want the truth? He's an asshole. Whatever you feel or suspect about him is absolutely vindicated."

"Yeah." she said. "But I miss him anyway. Isn't that... awful?"

"No? I don't think it is. I mean, the part that sucks about people is that they're more than just one thing. Sure, Bojack is a sleezy, emotionally-abusive jerk who's slept with almost every woman he's ever met, but he also sends stupid little text messages about stuff he saw on his drive home, and one time when he got drunk he sang the lollipop song and it was actually the prettiest thing ever, and he helps you pack even though he complains the whole time. He's all that shit."

"He once threw his mom's doll out a window."

"I know. He told me."

"He did?"

"He's always drunk-dialed me. Fifteen years now, and I'm his drunk-dial SOS." Diane considered her cigarette a moment. It was her first one of the day. A new record low. "I never met her, but I spoke to Beatrice twice- for his book."

"Oh, yeah, that thing. I never read it?"

"It sold alright, but it wasn't the next great American novel. Anyway, I called the retirement home to get a statement- got the phone number off of Bojack's long-time manager and friend Princess Carolyn- and called. This was before the dementia really ate up her brain- think, I dunno, almost nine years before you knew her- and she was still pretty sharp. I said, 'hi, this is Diane Nyguyen, I'm ghost-writing a novel about your son, Bojack' and she said, 'what, is he too lazy to write it himself'?"

Hollyhock winced. "Woof."

"Oh, I'm just getting started." Diane flicked some ash away. "We went in circles a bit, but eventually I laid it out for her. 'Mrs. Horseman', I said, 'I'm writing about your son's life, and as such I have called to see if you had any note-worthy stories or quotes you'd like to add'. She was pretty quiet for a minute. Then she said, 'sure, why not, I'm dying anyway. Might as well debase myself even more.' She told me all about her husband, Butterscotch-"

"Bojack never said much about him."

"There wasn't much to say, honestly. Bojack took after him and he always hated himself for it. Beatrice despised her husband for being unfaithful, bitter, and sexist. And she told me, 'now, put this in your little book, girl, and put it word-for-word. Bojack took after him, but he had the sense to be a bit quieter about it; which is a bit like saying the hissing roach is less disturbing to the eyes than the American one because it eats leaves instead of garbage. They're both insects, and they're both a waste of the paper their books were written on'." She paused. "Gotta say, she was damn eloquent."

Hollyhock winced again. "Double woof."

"It's the one story I never put into One Trick Pony. Not because I thought she'd regret saying it, or because it wouldn't fit the tone of the book, but because I knew it'd rip Bojack apart. Even back then, I was putting him above my own job. He has a way of worming into things like that." Diane stamped out the rest of the smoke, then pulled out another one. "I used to smoke like a freight train, but now it's only when I get worked up. Sorry about the second-hand."

Hollyhock was quiet again, but this time it was more pensive than anything else. "I... wrote him a letter. I actually don't even know if he read it, because he kept sending me voicemails telling me he would, but he never told me he did before I changed my number. I thought it'd be over. I thought I was moving on, but..."

"Moving on isn't the same as moving away," Diane said. "Trust me. I've packed houses before. But even now, I still find myself looking for him in the news, or thinking back to the good times we had."

"Mhmm. He tried to learn sports for me, you know? Because he wanted to cheer me on. And that still means a lot to me. But then I remember that interview, and I just... I just can't do it. I can't talk to someone who's done stuff like that."

"That's completely in your right! I know you're a grown-up, but you're still pretty young, you know? Bojack's in his fifties. His problems shouldn't be on anyone, but they especially shouldn't be on you."

"You won't tell him I came, will you? I know you're friends, but..."

"I think your definition of friendship is a bit different from us, kiddo. I mean, we haven't spoken in almost a year now. I just go see his movies, and he sends me long rambling reviews about my books, and we follow each other on social media."

"That feels like friendship," she concurred. "Mrs. Nyguyen?"

"God, don't. Diane."

"Diane. Did you and Bojack….?"

"Nope. But not because he didn't want to. I was dating when we first met, and married a good chunk of the time I lived in L.A. Now I'm married again. If I hadn't been... well, he would've tried, if nothing else."

"And you?"

She pursed her lips. "There was a time where I lived in his house and spent every day getting shitfaced drunk, and nothing skeevy happened. He'd come home, I'd be drunk and when was Bojack not drunk? We'd drink more and we'd watch reruns of Horsin' Around. I liked that. It wasn't healthy, but I liked it. And I liked him. I try not to think too hard about it, but... I dunno, honestly."

Hollyhock pulled her knees to her chest. "I came here hoping to find a way to stop missing him. Now I just miss him even more? I hate emotions."

Diane smiled. It was bittersweet. "Now you sound like a true Horseman."

[sweet-but-vicious]

Warning:

I am a Louie and a Larrie and I do not believe in babygate

Ok now that that is out of the way I watched All of Those Voices and filled this with my thoughts

Spoilers ahead!

OH GOD DON'T PLAY HIS AUDITION!

Whew! That is too painful to see again..

Oop. Relationship right as we see Larry

"Tight as could be as mates" with a 1:1 pic with each guy BUT H... like 2 pics each guy but no H

I would like to state that I was not expecting/planning to Larry this thing but I can't ignore what feels pointed

Awkward....

I feel like we are seeing him drink A LOT in the first 5 min...

H is ANXIOUS for L

LOUIS TOMLINSON YOU ARE A FANTASTIC SINGER AND IF I COULD I WOULD KICK EVERYONE WHO EVER MADE YOU THINK ANY DIFFERENT IN THEIR SQUISHY BITS!!!

tw:Cowbell 🤮🤮🤮

I HATE that their last show was in front of him 🤬

Oh god hopeful baby Lou just twist the knife why don't ya!

Oh baby you were so, so important

If i can't identify as a singer I'm gonna identify as a fucking problem- LT (probably lol)

I genuinely don't know how they managed to find so much fetus L footage that DOESN'T include H

He literally made that band his whole personality

Thank God for Johannah Deakin. Thank you so much! She was an absolute treasure who raised a beautiful family 💙💙💙💙💙

😭He didn't want his mum to feel like her death ruined his career 😭 he's grieving and he's more worried about his dead mother's feelings than his own 😭 I NEED TO LAY DOWN!

He did SO good!

SHUT THE FUCK UP SEEMON!!!

FIZZ! 😭

One of the reasons I love Louis so much and love his music is that I had some massive loss in my life and I can identify so much with how he tries to just roll up and keep going but when you have given so much of yourself to something that you forget who you are without it. I was the carer for my Gran and when I lost her and got my own apartment it was like I had to discover what my taste was, like what bits were mine and which were hers. It took years. Then I got a corporate job a couple of years ago and had to leave the house every day and I realized that I didn't actually like the way I dressed. Like how much of my style was what was available vs fit vs practical in an I need to be able to cook, clean, and change a diaper at any moment. That also took about a year of trial and error. I cannot IMAGINE having to do that so thoroughly in the public eye like that

You are so loved Lou!

His widdle wegs hanging off the chair! Lol

Honestly they did that H double WRONG with that shit wig...

Aww Liam! 😭

SOMEONE HUG LOUIS FOR ME! I DON'T CARE WHO!

Aww he shaved and cleaned himself up for the concert! He's adorable! It's giving fetus

Same. Girl, same.

Seen this clip, thirsty lady, sassy Louis, emotional James

Ykwim count: eleventy billion already

He sounds sooooo goood

He's so worried about the fans being too close to the bus!

Album a year. Jesus they ran those boys into the ground.

Aww his grandparents!

God he is so obsessed with Lottie

Who needs bio-dads? Not us!

They are all sooo pretty...

As a single boy mom I pray my relationship with my son is as close as Louis and Jay

Aw! Grease!

He's looks like a little boy sitting on the floor talking about his mum

WHAT IN THE BARITONE?!?

TELL HIM HELENE! TELL HIM HOW GOID HE IS! SLAP SOME SENSE INTO HIM!

I need a new job! I need to be able to buy tickets when he tours!

LITTLE BLACK DRESS!

Oh baby the Rona came for us all... at least he got to spend a bunch of time with H

.... ok this Feddie stuff is awkward... "the baby" I feel like they are purposely saying Freddie instead of calling him L's son or child

I feel like L is like a godfather to Freddie, I believe that he cares about him and tries to make things as nice as possible for him but I don't believe they are related.

IS HE SMOKING *IN* THE BOOTH!

I have family in Dallas, I could totally go see him in Dallas someday... once I get a job...

Aw he made himself a rolling pub!

Oh god I hope he buys a pub someday! He can decorate it with 1D stuff and Rovers jerseys and roses!

Feral!

Oh god more Freddie...

These emotions do not fit the situation. For either of them.

As the mother to a child who has never seen their father more than twice a month and who didn't see or talk to him for all of lock down this is not how I would expect Freddie to act. He's a child, obviously NOTHING is his fault but I do hope for his sake that this shit ends soon. Honestly it's bad enough that he's even in the movie and I hope that L's team is ready to cut those bits out cause that can be damaging at school in the future.

Like that kid is SO confused...

I feel like there is a better beer solution than just a regular glass being held out of the water like that

They are 12yos lol

He didn't want to lose the band so he built himself a new one

Oh god! The race!

That seems pointed; they show him singing Coacoac in the same place where they did X Factor, a song about getting chewed up by the music industry in the place where he joined the music industry? loud.

Lewis... darling... honey pie... PUT THE FOOKING MICROPHONE IN *FRONT* OF YOUR MOUTH!!!! WE WANT TO ACTUALLY HEAR YOU!!!!

Crochet Louis doll!

I love him so much

The fans love him because we can feel that he loves us

"The best of the 1D fans are now Louis fans"

I would be afraid to be near him in the pit, I feel like I wouldn't be able to help myself and I would bite him 😁

Ok Louis Christ is a bit much lol!

I love how both L and H, (Idk about the other boys,) have created their own new solo band families

I love how much Louis want to bring more good music into the world, he just wants to spread the joy

I NEVER skip the openers, I have found so many new bands that way

I need to start training...

My baby is all grown up!

YOU DESERVE EVERYTHING BABY!!

Love him so fucking much.

He thanked the boys 🥰

Aw, dedicated to Jay and Fizz 😢

Wrapping up

I'm so proud of him, and I genuinely can't wait to see what else he does. I will probably watch it again but skipping over the Freddie bits cause it makes me uncomfortable. I wish there had been more about his childhood and siblings but maybe that's being saved for a future one...

I should try to find the Harry one now I suppose...

[sometimesiammybpd]

this one is a rough one to talk about. that's how i'm gonna start this.

i've only ever been in one real relationship. i had no luck in high school and to be fair, my method was pestering people over and over again until they usually stopped talking to me. safe to say it didn't work out all that well. it also was the aforementioned "toxic era" which to me says that even if i had gotten lucky enough to have someone date me, i probably would have been extremely emotionally abusive at the time because in hindsight, i was to a lot of my friends. so unlike most, i'm grateful to not have dated anyone in high school because i just . . . didn't know myself and wasn't ready to change. and putting that on someone like it's their responsibility now would not have been okay. and yeah, it sucked at the time because i was so unwilling to accept i was in the wrong at any point that i believed there was no genuine reason for people to not want to go out with me. and of course, i was always wrong. like so badly wrong it's not funny. either way, that's how it was until the end of senior year for me. that's when i met my now ex. we're gonna call him nathan for the sake of the post because this isn't going to be me shitting all over him and i don't want to leak his info anyways.

nathan and i met through an instagram comment section of all things. i don't remember the specifics outside of us talking because i thought he seemed cool. neither one of us thought it'd ever go anywhere and i honestly never even saw us being friends for that long as it was. except that we kinda just hit it off from the start. the usual awkwardness was there at first, but i mean it was smooth sailing. and then i realized i liked him. with bpd, it was pretty early on for me and he did NOT like me back. at all. but, this was still in the point of time where i never let it go until i got an answer and i effectively pressured him into saying yes the first time. i didn't know this until later because nathan told me himself. i still am so mad at myself for doing this and trust me when i say, i wish we could go back to before either one of us ever crossed paths with the other. for his sake more than mine. we only lasted a week after he said yes because of a big reason. up to this point, nathan and i talked all the time and i knew things about them that they didn't tell anyone else. obviously would not reveal any of those even if it was to save my own life. but the important detail here is for reasons i will not say, nathan was not comfortable with sex to a point he had ptsd because of it. i have to also make it clear that he did NOT ever get an official diagnosis, at least as of when we last spoke. it's briefly important now but becomes unfortunately really important later.

so, we broke up after a week. nathan wanted to show me that he trusted me and offered to spend the night at my house, which was a fucking huge thing for him. i said i'd like that and we made plans for that friday that he'd come and sleep over. he'd take my bed upstairs and i'd sleep on the couch because i did really want him to feel okay and comfortable. for most of the relationship's life span (all four times we dated, not just the first), i never even saw him sexually. i never had sexual attraction because he was not comfortable with it and all that mattered to me was that i liked him romantically and he kinda seemed to feel the same way. anyways, the friday comes and we go to the mall first as a date. that part was fun and fine. we went to hot topic and i got my first ever MCR shirts. still wear the hell out of the basic fan "black parade" shirt. and then we went to my place. the mall went fine. the drive went fine. but once we were alone in my mom's apartment, he shut down because of the ptsd. i knew something was wrong immediately because he fell silent instantly and froze up. after ten minutes, maaaaaybe a little bit more(?), i asked him "do you want to go home?" and of course he did. so i took him home. i felt so bad for him and he kinda came out of it at the very tail end of the drive when we were by his house, but it was clear he had shut down mentally and there wasn't really anything i could do. i was 18 here and on the drive home, i cried my eyes out. i felt really bad for him but i was also afraid he was going to want to break up. it was one of the worst days of my and i'm sure his life. when i got home, i messaged him on insta saying we should break up and we did. and i ended up falling into my worst habit at that time and writing a bunch of cryptic posts that were clearly directed towards him but i wouldn't say it to him. and the next day, he texts me telling me that he couldn't forgive me because i manipulated him and turned his ptsd into my issue. that's how breakup one ended.

before i go into anything else, this is how i'm gonna handle this post. everything i just told you was past me. that's how it was for me in the moment. present me sees it differently. i don't think i could have helped the crying because it really did freak me out. but everything after? i so wish i could undo. it was not okay for me to tell him i cried, or tell him we should break up, or write the posts that i did. i don't actually know if i mentioned the "telling him i cried" thing above but that was also a big part of it. i did make his ptsd about me and i don't excuse that. i really don't. i don't even think we should have dated because i really did pressure him into going out with me and he didn't even like me at the time. i thought he did but he didn't. and he made that clear later on because all of this kept coming back up.

there then was in-between time where i did spend a lot of it trying to repair what i damaged or broke after that day. and i meant everything i was doing. i didn't want to lose him because he was the most important person in my life for over a year. but eventually nathan said he'd give me a second chance and we started dating again for the second time. the key difference this time was he actually liked me back. and it was fine for a while. this one lasted almost seven months. his love language was insults and nothing else and i took it because i really did love him. i was also so infatuated with the idea of being in a relationship that i didn't care that we had nothing in common and all of that shit. this is not me dragging him either. it's just that we really were never compatible.

nathan had a lot of issues from things that happened that were not his fault. but it fucked him up and he didn't want to deal with it. his main coping mechanism was drinking and smoking weed. mainly drinking. and i don't mean he'd get drunk every night. he'd be drunk by morning. he'd be drunk all day and night but would only drink more as the day went on. and i ignored it for a long time because i didn't want to upset him. he didn't really ever take the issue of his alcoholism lightly. mainly because he didn't want to admit he was one. anyways, that's not the point. we broke up twice during this period. i say four times in total because it was, but i considered both of these to be the second time because i don't remember us staying broken up with for all that long after the second time into the unofficial third. to explain why we broke up the second time, i have to explain one other very important thing about him.

without further details or context i refuse to give because it's not my story to tell, nathan did not like people touching him especially in a romantic way. hugging, kissing, all that stuff. and i knew this. i have always been a physical attraction = love kinda person, so it wasn't easy but in the end i didn't care because i just wanted to be with him. and when we broke up the second time, it was after we saw sonic two. we had talked about us holding hands because it was the one thing he was okay with doing. the day of, i made sure of it and then went to go get him because nathan couldn't drive. and when he gets into my car, he reveals that he doesn't want to because he's germophobic. this one is harder to talk about because i was in the wrong for being mad at him for saying no. but at the same time, i was told over and over that yeah we can. it was the one thing i thought we could do, physical attraction wise. i never had my first kiss at this point. i had never hugged someone outside of my family or held hands with anyone. and y'know, it was exciting for me. but when he told me this, i kinda just shut off. we watched the movie and then on the drive home, i was so pissed that we broke it off either that night or the day after.

our timeline is so messy that i don't remember when this happened but we had another break up (pretty sure this was the unofficial third one). this one was weird. i had severe anxiety and insecurity issues during this and with undiagnosed bpd, it only got worse. i had a habit of apologizing for nothing, except for one time. i had sent a text before going to bed and after he was asleep that read something like

"i'm sorry i'm not a good girlfriend. i'm really sorry i'm not good enough for you.... and a bunch of other shit i don't remember."

and i went to sleep. i woke up to paragraphs up on paragraphs of messages from him. nathan kinda just laid it all out there. he told me i had been making him upset for months, but that he didn't want to tell me or upset me. so he ran to his friends behind my back and was venting for months which led them to say to him that i was a "manipulative, abusive piece of shit." honestly, i still don't know if they were right about that or not. but i remember him ending all of this. paragraphs and paragraphs of soul-crushing shit with "don't worry, i won't break up with you." i almost didn't respond because i didn't know what i was supposed to say. i pretty much had assumed up to that point that everything was fine and it wasn't. i kinda lost myself at that point and a certain friend of mine could easily recall the conversation that followed the receiving of those messages. i ended it that time.

the real third time we dated, it was... the worst time. because at this point, i was losing feelings for him. and this time, he initiated it. this is really the point it all went to hell. somehow, i made him comfortable enough to want to try and have sex again. although, i'll explain in a bit what he told me about how he wanted it to go down. it was not okay. it started with him sending me a series of nudes and led to him asking if i'd be okay having sex with him. i had no feelings for him and a lot of my feelings that still existed were mostly frustration. but i said yes. and i want to make this clear: originally, i did NOT say yes because i was sexually attracted to him. i was so used to doing whatever i could to help him and this was a big deal for him. i had no intention of doing this because i just wanted to lay him. and this is where my biggest issue came in that i honestly didn't even know i had at the time.

a big thing that comes with most people who have bpd is something called hypersexuality. if you don't know what that is, basically it's like a sex addiction. when you're horny, it's all you can think about to the point that most people with bpd will go out of their way to get sex even if it means putting themselves in horrific situations that could get them hurt, killed, given an std, whatever. and for me, i have come to learn that with mine especially, once someone introduces sex into the relationship, i literally cannot view it the same no matter how hard i try. cause all i can think about is the sex. and most if not all of the time, i'm NOT sexually attracted to whoever it is. i rarely get down peoples where i'm repulsed by it which is also what happens with people with hypersexuality. and it fucking sucks. it makes things so difficult and drives people away. i want to go into this more in its own post, but that's what's important for this. and one more very important thing: me knowing this doesn't excuse what i did then. and no. it's not what you're thinking most likely.

so nathan wanted to warm up by sending nudes. getting comfortable showing me his body, i guess. and i was at first saying fine because he said it helped and that's all i cared about. but then the hypersexuality started to take over and all i started to want was the sex. i was still not sexually attracted to him. i never was. i know that sounds like it makes no sense or isn't really the truth, but it is. it happens so much more than i want to admit. so he kept sending nudes except that i started to ask for a lot. he told me at first that i could ask for some. and because all that stuck in my head was sex, i asked him for a lot and the worst part for me that i did to him was basically only talk to him for it. the explanation is that i started to seriously resent him because for over a year at this point, all i felt like i did was take care of him and basically try to fix him myself. and it wasn't like he didn't lean into it himself which only solidified that that had to be my purpose in the relationship. it's why i said yeah initially to him asking if we could fuck. it's why he wanted to date the final time because he told me himself that it made him feel better about it than if we were just friends. we never had sex and i never forced him to have sex with me. i need to make that clear. i would fucking never and i don't take that shit lightly. but i went way too insane with the nudes and i made him severely uncomfortable and kind of didn't realize it ever. he had to tell me when it was beyond too late to stay friends that it made things worse. but besides all of that, the way it ended is all i remember.

and before i say that, i want to tell you what he wanted in order for him to be okay with us having sex. i couldn't ask if he was comfortable or if what i was doing was okay. he told me he'd immediately shut down once we got into it and i had to basically just . . . go through it with it anyways. he told me he wouldn't be speaking and i kind of had to r-word him basically. i'm not even kidding. this stuff i don't remember agreeing to because it came after the initial "would you have sex with me" question. because it made me severely uncomfortable for him to unironically say i'd basically be r-wording him but somehow it was okay.

this entire thing makes me . . . really uncomfortable to relive. uhm, so, uh. i wanted to take him to kings island. we both were not the biggest fan of roller coasters, but i thought we could ride some of the smaller ones together. i thought it'd be sweet. and i feel like if i didn't miscommunicate things, it would have been. because i do remember telling him he didn't have to ride rides if he didn't want to. i meant to say the real rides as they're called. rides like diamondback, vertigo, the beast. not shit like shake, raddle, and roll (which is a contained ride where you go in circles until it slows down. it's fun and only lasts like five minutes, give or take). that day, i asked my best friend at the time to come with me and him. i knew it wouldn't end well and yeah, it didn't. he agreed to and we went to go get nathan. the ride there was fine, but after we got him, it wasn't. nathan had an abusive father, so any signs of anger shut him down and a particularly stupid mother fucker got me to scream for a second because he didn't know what he was doing and almost got us killed. actually. nathan freaked out thinking i was going to hit him and i had to calm him down. the rest of the day was a $200+ waste of money (i paid for both his ticket and mine). from the getgo, it was clear he wouldn't even try the effective kid (or "all ages" depending on who you ask) rides. it made me so angry because at the time especially, i thought i had communicated it well and didn't get it. in hindsight, i could have done it better. infinitely better. but i don't excuse him letting me buy him a ticket just for him to not effectively using it. every time we went on a ride, he'd sit on the curb like a child in timeout and it just . . . yeah. after two rides and a meal, we left because i couldn't do it anymore. i still remember him asking me if i was mad at him when we were leaving. this is another "i don't really know who's at fault" one or if there is even a right answer for that.

there's more that happened after we broke up, but i wrote the stuff regarding sex last and i don't like to think about that. because i don't like how bad i was then. how desperate and how i treated him. because i apologized a million times, but it does a lick of shit. and i didn't deserve for him to accept the apology anyways. i still don't and i don't want him to. in his story, even if i never crossed that line physically, i did with the nudes. i made him feel like he couldn't say no and i will never be able to undo that.

the overall point of sharing all this because for all the stuff he did do in return, to me, nothing comes close to our final time together and the way i acted. and it's something i think about every day and something i probably will til the end of my life. i have brought this up in therapy and the hypersexuality. it's one of the things i am trying so hard to understand and control since i can't afford medication. but i have nothing since then but try and change and stop myself from ever doing that again to someone else.

there's no positive message for this one. so, uh, yeah.

[landwriter]

I've been really enjoying hearing you talk about your writing :) But I was a bit ?! to hear that you've never read the comics, for no reason other than I love them and think you would enjoy them.

If you have the opportunity, I would 8000% recommend Season of Mists to you and your lovely followers. It's so fun, and has so many wonderful character cameos from Egyptian, Norse, Japanese mythology, plus the Fae, plus Angels!, plus OCs, PLUS Hob. And it's a fucking lovely storyline.

And I do think it's Dream at his most, well, Dream. The premise is literally just:

Desire: Honestly sending Nada to Hell was a dick move.

Dream: Oh, fuck off.

Death: I mean. It was though.

Dream: ??? Like, actually...???

Dream:

Dream:

Dream: Shit, my bad. Okay fuck it, guess I'm going to free Nada from Hell.

Everyone: You know Lucifer & co. are LITERALLY going to try to kill / imprison you, right? And like, will probably succeed?

Dream: ??? Okay, and...???

Thank you :) And I know, I know! I'm not averse to reading them at all but it's mostly a time thing. Maybe after next season or in preparation for it? I adore mythology and I'm sure I'd love it. Also that's an incredible pitch haha!

I did, actually, almost get into The Sandman comics once. It was a near miss. Years ago, I went on this date with a guy. From OkCupid. Remember OkCupid?? Longform online dating, what an era! And we had this super charming banter over messages. We talk about authors including Neil Gaiman (foreshadowing music). He riffs off of a dumb Shakespeare pun I had on my profile about my love for potatoes.* We decide to have a picnic.

There's a thunderstorm that day. Appropriately inauspicious. He invites me to his place to wait for the weather to improve. I head over to hang out.

It was not great. In hindsight, it was one of the worst dates of my life. (So far! Always room for improvement.) His personality was WILDLY divergent from what I had expected, and also generally enjoy being around. But I'm really good at muscling through awkward dates and really bad at being like "I never plan on seeing you again!" on the spot, so when he insisted on loaning me his Sandman comics as I was trying to leave, I took them. I took them. I'm sorry. I was in my early twenties. It's my only defense.

I went home, marinated, decided yes, I really do not want to go on another date with this guy, sent him a message politely saying as much, and said I'd return his books. He said he was home all weekend so I could just come by whenever. So I trek back to his a day or so later with the carrier bag of Sandman comics. I am not looking forward to this interaction. If the vibe wasn't so bad there would've been a second date you know? The vibe, it was bad.

But lo and behold, as I walk toward his apartment complex, I see someone a ways ahead going up the steps. I see them stop to fish out their keys. I see an opportunity. I walk faster. They open the door and go inside. I break into a Business Casual Sprint. I grab the door juuuust before it closes again. I'm breathing heavily. I try to breathe quieter. I tip-toe down the stairs to his basement unit (it was a basement unit) and delicately hang the bag on his doorknob like I'm playing a game of Operation. No buzzers go off. I turn on my heel and flee. My heart is soaring. The air tastes sweeter. I have pulled off my reverse heist. I text him from the warm comfort of public transportation that I left them outside his door.

And I never thought about The Sandman again for six years.

*'Stars, hide your fries' (He replied Let not oven black my deep desires. I mean, you can see why I went.)

[ohtobeleah]

So with WIO, as much as I love Jake as a character I have to admit that in this series he’s royally pissed me off. He knows he messed up but doesn’t know where which is somewhat understandable, but yet he’s doing things way to late like with fixing the faucet it took him to see her leaving for him to go “I’ll fix the tap and all is good” like no baby it’s a bit to late for that now.

Also him just passing off the fact that she needed quiet in order to finish off a few chapters for her book is heartbreaking, like you know if it was the other way around Honey would have dropped everything in order to make sure he was happy.

“When’s my birthday?” You asked like he should have known that answer off the top of his head, because he should have and he did. / “Novem—oh fuck Y/n no hold on a minute.” Jake couldn’t find the words he wanted to say at that moment, how could he forget your birthday? He missed it entirely and you said not a single thing about it. < this broke me. My ex forgot my birthday twice but I didn’t say anything because I was so in love with him, the second birthday he didn’t notice until his best friend showed up to my apartment a week later with a card and present, my ex even tried to make out he had brought me presents the year before. The saddest thing is even after 7 years of not being with him I still remember his birthday, his moms and dads.

I fucking adore Jensen, “Oh shit, I'll swing by once I'm out of the woods.” Like poor baby is going through his own shit and yet he’s still so concerned about her. I bet Honey got whiplash from the affection from Jensen when her own ex husband, the father to her kids gave up on her and their marriage. Jensen was the first one to know about her cancer, the one that showed up on her birthday when Jake never said anything to her. I really hope it’s a happy ending for Jensen!

I hate Jakes parents so much, I honestly get a jealous vibe from them. Rodney being jealous that his son was marrying the true love of his life whilst Rodney probably married Janeen because he got her knocked up. Janeen being jealous of the fact that Honey knew her worth and left a loveless/one sided marriage whilst she stays with Rodney and turns a blind eye to his affairs (that you just know he has). I love Maz because all she wants is the best for the both of them, even though Jake broke her daughters heart she still sees him as a son and can clearly see the love he has for Honey.

Id prefer a happy ending because I’m an absolute sucker for those, where she beats cancer and Jake gets his shit together, they go to therapy together and individually, they remarry, Jake and Jensen actually become really good friends

This is such an in-depth analysis and valuable insight. Jakes just a little too late with it all. 😞 Like @taytaylala12 said earlier today, he became too complacent in the ideology Honey would always be around because he knew how much she loved him.

Jensen…… I haven’t truly decided on his best course of action yet.

I love reading these takes, I do use them to create the storyline. I have a rough idea of where I’m going but when you guys send in asks like this it’s really hard not to take all this into consideration.

[the-writer-nerd-ro]

Just remembered I forgot to post my very self-indulgent fic where Sara Pena meets Sloane from the Fursona Telephone episode (Sloane does not actually appear in this fic but she is discussed at length and will appear in future fics I promise 🥰)

Anyways, enjoy!

Love in its many artforms

Once in a blue moon, Hunter's life intersected with Sara's career, which, today, involved Facebook stalking.

“Oh, Hun, you're Facebook friends with my new client,” Sara called from the living room.

Hunter poked her head out of the kitchen, where she was preparing dinner.

“Hm? Who is it?” Hunter hadn't used Facebook in six and a half years.

“Sloane Clark.”

Hunter inhaled sharply. “I forgot I was Facebook friends with her. She hired you?”

“Yeah, we met at the last party I worked and she said she was having a get together and wanted my energy to liven it up.”

“Oh, cool.” Behind her, a pot of macaroni boiled over.

“How do you two know each other?”

“We went to the same high school,” Hunter said, wondering how much she wanted to elaborate.

“Aw, fun! She seemed really nice.”

“She was pretty nice in high school. We did a group project together.” Hunter took a deep breath and added, “Honestly, I had a bit of a crush on her.”

“I can see that,” Sara said, since she knew she was Hunter’s type and Sloane seemed like her in a slightly different font. “Do you want me to do some digging? See if you would've had a chance in high school?”

“What, like ask her if she's gay?”

“Yeah!”

Hunter blushed, “I don't need to know. But, um, if you wanted to.”

“I won't push the matter, but if it comes up I'll let you know.” Pause. “Unless you wanted to come with me?”

Hunter cringed, glancing behind her. “Shit, the macaroni.”

Sara got up to help sort out dinner (mostly providing moral support) and wait for an answer to her question.

Hunter seemed to mull it over while she pulled the overflowing macaroni pot off the burner. She hadn't started on the roux yet, so at least that wasn't burned. Sara's burner had taken some cosmetic damage, but the rest of their meal was salvageable.

“Do you want to go to the party?” Sara asked again.

“No,” Hunter finally said. “I don't want to know if she remembers me. It can stay an unrequited crush, I have something so much better now.”

Sara threw back her head and laughed. “Thanks, hun. I do like hearing about who you were before I met you. Thank you for letting me into your life.”

“Thank you for wanting to be a part of my life.”

“I could say the same to you.” Sara went to set the table while Hunter finished the mac and cheese.

“I'm still going to find out if Sloane is gay,” Sara added.

“Go for it.”

“And then you can come to the next party.”

Now it was Hunter's turn to laugh. “We'll see about that.”

Sara had a good time at the party, though it was a bit smaller and cozier than she was used to. She got her answer pretty quickly, and a few more answers than she was expecting.

When she came home she was brimming with information.

Hunter usually waited up for Sara after a party and tonight was no different. “How'd it go?”

“It was lovely! Very 90's themed, so that was fun. Like, I don't think she played a single song that came out after 1999. Which is a shame because I know a Valley song she'd love.”

“Interesting,” Hunter said, “what else?”

“Oh yeah, the secret mission.”

“Don't say it like that, that makes me sound creepy,” Hunter said, dressed in her all black vintage nightgown. In the light of Sara's ever-growing collection of candles, she looked like a Victorian ghost come back from the dead to haunt her secret sapphic lover for one last night of passion, unaware that her moans of pleasure sounded like the howls of the damned.

“Sloane is in fact bisexual, though I'm not sure she knew that in high school. But she is also a furry so I'm not entirely certain you're her type.”

“Huh. That's a surprise. Well, thanks for looking into it for me, I guess.”

Sara plopped down on the couch next to Hunter and rested her head on Hunter's shoulder. “No problem, Hun.”

Hunter was quiet for a while before musing, “If we'd dated in high school I would have gotten so good at drawing furries.”

“Love drives us all to create,” Sara said wisely, glancing up at the photo wall of photographs and paintings Hunter had made.

“By the way, I made you a playlist.”

Hunter smiled and pressed a kiss to Sara's cheek. “I love you, too.”