#did I make it all myself to avoid triggers | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

drdemonprince · 1 month ago

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ENM/Poly circles explicitly discourage real talk around jealousy, and practical considerations around nonmonog in ways that routinely exclude and excise POC and disabled people.

ENM/Poly expects everyone involved to act as though “love” is the reason for every relationship choice. Cliche #1: love isn’t finite. Which… sure. Maybe love isn’t finite, but attention and time sure are— and those are at a premium.

Cliche #2: Love is all you need/love is what makes a family. I am familiar with criticism of this from a family abolition, anticapitalist standpoint, but I have seen this be uncritically repeated by ENM/Poly people. It’s not true that love is what makes a relationship work or not work. It’s also about dumb shit, like geographical proximity and practicality. Good luck being ENM if you can’t regularly host because you have roommates or live at home. Good luck being the gold standard of ENM (out to everyone, including family and maybe even the workplace!) if you are any kind of marginalized. Love is simply not enough. There’s real world shit to consider.

Most ENM/Poly people are white gen x’ers and older millenials for a reason. It’s a framework that works awesome if you have abundant spare space, disposable income to blow, and free time. Plus most ENM/Poly people are heavily in therapy, and just have a fuckton of time to deal with their various baggages… or at least like to posture as though they are doing those things.

Non monog can be liberatory— disabled polycules caring for one another. QPRs! Multiparent households! But ENM/Poly is very lodged in a liberal, hyper-independent Super Good Boundaries Thank You Very Much world of its own, and so most of the “resources” like More Than 2 or Polysecure have hella flaws in that respect.

COME OFF ANON SO I CAN FOLLOW YOU! Because you just said a whole word.

I find "ethical nonmonogamy" and polyamory circles to be viscerally unpleasant and alienating to be in as a crazy, chaotic antipsych person who does not always make choices for carefully therapized, restrained reasons -- and who doesn't believe that most other people do either, no matter how much they claim to.

I don't fuck multiple people to serve some higher purpose; I do it because I'm horny, impulsive, and have a variety of niche fetishes that are really difficult to satisfy.

I didn't choose to be openly nonmonogamous because I nurtured my soul and found that it was abundant with love that I just had to give -- all my relationships already were nonmonogamous at one point or another, either because I cheated or the other person did or both, and I eventually decided to move with my feelings rather than against them, and to stop denying all that is inside me -- all of the hunger and darkness as well as the light.

And I can't say that my nonmonogamy is inherently "ethical" either -- just like my monogamy sure wasn't! I'm a human being, and a crazy one at that, I get jealous, I have emotional blowups, I lash out and fuck other people to make myself feel better or to affirm that I am desired, I make big demands of the people I date, I fail to show up for people consistently, I get hurt, and I hurt others, and I will continually have more to learn. I will also continually have wild animal emotions and triggers, and I won't always deal with them in the way my partner(s) might want me to. I try to avoid hurting other people needlessly, of course, but sometimes your own needs are incompatible with another person's, and hurt is inevitable.

When there is only so much time and attention available in our lives, it's true that somebody's often going to come up short. And ultimately the person that I choose above all others is me. And so, no, I can't say I'm always doing nonmonogamy in some caring yet dispassionate way, or that love is the solution to all problems -- I am driven by passion and need, and sometimes being alive in those ways means getting hurt, or hurting in turn.

I would echo essentially all that you've said. We need time and resources and spaces to enjoy privacy with other people, and if you're not some rich work-from-homer, that shit's all in short supply. I hate the sheen of calm positivity that "ENM" and polyamory folks tend to place on everything -- as if no choices they make are fueled ever by bitterness, dislike, resentment, or hell, fucking white hot irrational DESIRE. With how fair and measured so many of them make their polyamory sound, I don't even see what's fun about any of it.

Sometimes you want to upend your whole life because you're so down bad for a person. Sometimes you hate the shit out of your partner's partners and you say and do little manipulative shitty things to convey those feelings, or to try and blow the relationship up. Sometimes the hours just don't add up and somebody gets shafted. Sometimes you make a promise and then you can't follow through, or just don't WANT to anymore because you have changed.

These are real human realities whether we like it or not, and I find it terribly unrealistic AND unsexy to refuse to acknowledge all the darkness and frustration that comes out in any relationship. I think a lot of the ENM/poly crowd that is white and middle class and heavily therapized is so averse to naming anything edgy or prickly in themselves that they make their spaces actively hostile to anybody who openly expresses negative feelings. That means Black & brown people get tone-policed a ton, "mad" people like me get no-true-scotsmanned out of "ethical" nonmonogamy for ever doing anything messily, and all the romance and sexiness of relationships gets sanded down into a Canva-graphic beige blandness of weekly polycule meetings and processing sessions.

In this world of self-optimization, even fucking and loving other people has to be cast as therapuetic -- our desires must justify themselves by somehow making us better, more capable, more controlled people, But fuck that. Sometimes sex or love is worth exploding your whole life over. The ENM/poly crowd says their way of loving makes them more even-keeled but it seems like a kind of death to me.

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physalian · 5 months ago

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On Writing Characters with Hyper-Specific Triggers (and a PSA)

*Trigger warning for this whole post

Once upon a time, I had a roommate. Nothing looked wrong from the outside and this narcissist probably thought nothing was wrong on the inside, but there was. I knew moving in with them was a mistake, but financial circumstances demanded I shut up and try to make the most of it. Enter the longest thirteen months of aPTSD-inducing psychological stalemate I hope to never repeat again. Seven of which were on overdrive.

The why doesn’t matter. The how doesn’t matter. What matters is that this roommate was so toxic, there was no point in attempting to talk things out because any little thing could be a land mine for starting an argument and it didn’t matter what casualties got caught in the crossfire, so long as this person “won”. Casualties including our friendship. So if any little thing, anything at all, could be a land mind, what do you do if not try to completely avoid them? For seven months.

This person’s work schedule was incredibly erratic, but they were gone more hours than not, and when they were home, they were usually asleep. In those few overlapping hours where we were both awake, I could not leave my room for fear of said verbal land mines. If I wanted to cook, leave the apartment, get anything from the living room or my desk that I had to abandon, get more water from the fridge, I had to do it before they got home, or after they went to bed, and I could never predict when they’d be home.

Luckily (or unluckily), my room faced the parking lot, and this roommate drove a car that made a very specific sound. From the moment I heard that car from my room, I had about 20 seconds to shut down whatever I was doing in the apartment, retreat to my room, and lock the door. Overreacting? Potentially, I wasn’t in any physical danger, but this was seven months of near complete isolation from any other friends, and the fear of making it worse kept me silent.

So, 20 seconds from the moment I hear the telltale whine of that engine. If I couldn’t hear the car, our front door had a lock that chimes and I had about 7 seconds from the first chime to the door opening to get the fuck out of the way. I lost weight that I couldn’t afford to lose from being unable to cook past a certain time in the evening and staying locked in my room on their days off.

Seven months of only having a door chime and an engine to tell me when it was safe and when I had to run.

—

These chime locks are the new normal and one year removed from that apartment, every time I hear it and I’m already stressed, it’s a trigger.

Every time I’m on the highway and I see a dark grey sedan of that make, that is the most important car on the road until I make sure it’s not their car.

Every time I see a dark grey sedan parked in reverse, as they habitually did, that is the most important car in the parking lot until I make sure it’s not theirs.

Every time I have to drive near a certain location where they work, I am watching for that car.

I could pick it out from 200 others. I know the license plate, I know the license plate frame, I know what sticks to the windshield, I know what hangs from the rearview mirror. I would know that car rusted and crushed in an impound lot.

So. Today I drive home and I pass a rear-parked car one turn before my unit, and I think to myself, “that’s not X’s car, but I noticed it, I’m never not going to notice it.” It wasn’t the same make, model, or color, it was just a sedan with its nose sticking out and that was enough.

Then I turn the corner. And there it is. My ex-roommate’s car.

I shit you not it was like I had a warning from the Universe before it hit.

I don’t need to check the windshield, I know it’s theirs. I’ve seen it in my complex once before. The last time I did, I’d parked my own car and waited, got out, and hid between two others in the dark, waiting for this person to leave.

Today, in broad daylight, that car is empty. They happened to arrive while I was gone for 30 minutes. So I park, and I wait. I watch that car from my side mirror. I scan the sidewalk for them and I don’t see anything. I have frozens that can’t wait.

I’m thinking to myself, of all the parking spots in all the parking lots, of all the apartments in this godforsaken town, you parked right behind my spot.

Nothing happened, and even if we crossed paths, nothing probably would have happened (that’s how they worked, pretending nothing was ever wrong and that I was the crazy one). But I still waited, and when I decided to leave, I moved as fast as possible without drawing attention. One whole year removed from that person.

—

It doesn’t take physical abuse, or yelling and screaming and death threats. It doesn’t need to be a parent or a sibling, a relative, or a romantic partner. This person never touched me, never screamed (though they did yell on occasion), never actually threatened anything. They never called me names, were never direct with any of their insults, were never explicitly petty. I had no proof. Ever.

I just had example after example of every time they cut me down to feel smart, picked on me to feel better about themselves and project their own insecurities and jealousy, or used me as their emotional punching bag because of choices they made.

So a year after completely cutting them out, there’s that fucking car parked outside my apartment.

Media portrays “triggers” usually only in characters who are veterans. Noises that sound like gunshots, or thunder, fireworks, because that’s what we think of when we see PTSD—people who fought in wars.

It’s not like I sit around fixating on that car or that door chime (and actually with exposure to that chime every day with no consequences it’s gotten better), but that’s the point. They come out of nowhere when you least expect it. They don’t prepare you for their arrival, they just happen.

I didn’t have anything close to a panic attack, but nothing in the universe was more important in that moment than making sure I didn’t run into this person, until I calmed down.

Trigger attacks don’t have to be this big flashy thing, born of big flashy movements. It can be something as subdued as going quiet, staring at the thing, and your brain dumping everything else except all the potential outcomes of not escaping this situation immediately. It’s just a car. It’s not like an evil Big Dick truck with smokestacks and truck nuts and a MAGA flag on the back. It’s just a nerdy sedan that could belong to anyone.

—

So. PSA.

What you think might be an overreaction by someone you care about, they probably think is an overreaction, too. Did I want to have fate shit on my day and spend extra minutes under the hot sun when I have chores to do? No. But it happened.

What you think a trigger is supposed to look like or what the symptoms are supposed to be are not just what’s dramatic and flashy for the TV. Here I am writing a whole blog post about it instead of just moving on and I can't go back and check for typos because I don't want to have to reread it.

Do you want to die on a hill of “get over it” when someone you care about would love nothing more? Just. Be there for them.

And to writers, artists, anyone—it doesn’t have to be dramatic to be the most upsetting part of someone’s day. Including such simple things as a door chime, or the sound of an engine, really helps with visibility so people like me don’t think “I’m not allowed to feel this way, I didn’t actually suffer like a shell-shocked veteran”.

Most of us never will. That doesn’t make any of our hardships any less valid. Please be kind.

#writing #writing advice #writing resources #writeblr #writing tips #triggers #trauma #ptsd #writing trauma #long post

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snifferish · 9 months ago

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Never in my life did I think that re-tweeting resources for SA, and supporting victims would be considered problematic or performative.

I should not have to bare this, but I'm going to tell just one of my stories, because I need you to understand where I'm coming from. TW // Sexual Harassment

When I was 15, I had my wisdom teeth removed. I wanted to avoid using the pain medication they prescribed. I struggle a lot with sensory issues, medications and substances made it worse.

However, my surgery was for impacted teeth, and only two days in one of my stitches fell out. I was in so much pain, and couldn't eat solids w/ out pain for up to three weeks.

So, a week into my recovery, one of my friends invites me to their house. They were having our friend group over, it was just a little bonfire get together kinda thing. I took my pain meds a few hours prior, and only half a dose, but I was out of it to some degree, and somehow still in pain.

I was sitting on a lawn chair outside, when one of my close friends came over and asked to sit on my lap. Honestly, I said yes at first, because this was my childhood friend, someone I trusted, and I thought our relationship was incredibly platonic. Then he started to shift/grind about in my lap, and I started to feel things of theirs I did not want to. They made a noise that deeply unsettled me, and I told him to get off, they didn't. It was only when I told them that he accidently triggered the emergency call shortcut on my phone (it was in the pocket of the lawn chair, yes they were moving that much and I was moving trying to push him off) that he finally got up.

I was bewildered, and a bit confused, and also embarrassed that my phone nearly called 911. I claimed I wasn't feeling well, and went home early.

That was the first time someone touched me in a remotely sexual way, but I didn't dare to label it until I talked to my therapist. It made me dwell on a lot of experiences with this person as well. How obsessed they were with being taller than me, how often they'd grab me and force me to see if they were stronger than me. At the time, I was in a friend group of predominately non-men, and they were all friends with this person.

However, when I told them about this, when I expressed the discomfort it brought me. I was brushed off. "He's just like that!" oh "He probably didn't mean it" etc.

I didn't feel comfortable in the same room as this person. My friends would continue to invite them to hang outs. One of my other friends told everyone about what happened without my permission. I started having breakdowns in my classes with him. I had panic attacks all the time. I felt as if I had to continue this façade of being nice to him, or else I would lose my friends of years and years.

I was happy when covid started, because for the first time I had breathing room, but by then so much of my trust was dismantled.

Due to my friends association with this person, and the fact that not being their friend excluded me. I eventually got over it, and told myself I'd grown past it.

Three months ago, this same person admitted to me they hold extreme grudges against me, that they projected their "mommy issues" on to me, and quite literally said the words, "Yeah yeah, you're a woman who's outspoken and challenged me and that bothers me yeah yeah." in regards to that. They said it with sarcasm, like it was something they knew, and their mother was reminding them for the 12th time.

I bring this all up, not to make you feel guilty, but to discuss the harm of not supporting victims, not listening to them. It puts them in a position of isolation, and in a position to potentially be hurt again.

So yeah, I'm gonna be a little upset when people say I'm being "performative" about supporting victims of sexual harassment and SA. I'm not doing this because it benefits me, in fact it's caused a lot of backlash, horrible dms, and very triggering memories.

I'm doing it because I was once not heard, and i've sat with Caiti behind the scenes for months watching her lose passion for something she loved (content creation).

I didn't do this because I'm secretly sniveling behind the scenes tapping my fingers praying on peoples downfall. I'm not a Disney villain dude lmfao.

Honestly, this narrative that is being pushed, that people are doing it "because it benefits them" is quite ironic, considering most of the people talked about within the last 72 hours were under Wilbur's weird ass apology doing just that.

I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I hate how people are okay with this narrative, the misogynist undertones of it. I've seen people admit that they didn't like me or my friends the entire time, while simultaneously "calling us out" about this, so I ask you,

Are you calling us? Because it benefits your motives? Your feelings?

#snifferish #tw sa mention

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travelingmaster-inspirations · 7 months ago

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Escape Rooms

I couldn't believe something like this could even exist, but it did!

An escape room targeting Hypno-Kinksters...

Like the brochure said, the goal wasn't to solve puzzles, but to solve your own mind by allowing the room to place you in a trance so it could implant the code you needed to gain access to the next room.

The catch was that the trance wouldn't implant one code, but 2.

Each code word would allow you access to a different room. In one, you would find yourself facing the same levels of trance as the room you were currently in while the other would give you access to a room in which you are made to drop deeper. Making each code word blend together so you can't be sure which will allow you a safer path.

For anyone that isn't a total trance addict, the escape rooms remain relatively easy to solve and all you have to do is pay close attention during your trance and you'll know which code will grant ou access to the safest rooms until you reach the exit.

However...

For hypno-subs like me, the challenge grows ever more difficult because usually, we tend to drop faster and deeper than others. So... Right off the bat, we are facing deeper trances while also battling our own desires to see what the deeper trances are like on the 'un-safe' path.

And... if that wasn't enough...

When you sign up, they ask you a very tempting question in which you have to describe a simple trigger or suggestion you are willing to let them implant inside your mind should you end the 'escape' in the wrong door. It can be something simple like freeze trigger, but the sky is the limit so you can write down anything.

Of course, the organizers know that for hypno-addicts like me, the temptation is way to great to simply fail again and again so I can be implanted with such a trigger. So... They also tell you to write down something you are willing to let them implant inside your mind should you escape the room in the 'safe' door.

Naturally, the objective is to write down something you are VERY willing to have implanted in your mind on the safe path while writing down something a little more... Punitive... On the un-safe path.

My own goal when I walked into the first room was to try to avoid the un-safe path even though I knew that deep down, the kinky parts of myself longed to experience the subjugation I described for them. That being said, I didn't plan to fully resist the trances I was about to subject myself to because I couldn't pass up the chance to experience whatever trances were on the un-safe path. So... I planned to try them out in the first few rooms before then fighting my way back on the safe path.

The challenge for me was to know when to resist...

As I focused on the first spiral, I knew it wasn't wise to come into this challenge with that mindset, but the moment I felt myself sink into the slow spinning screen in front of me, I knew that it didn't really matter which door I ended up coming out of, all I cared about was the hypnotic journey that would bring me there...

#hypnotized #caption #story idea

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03jyh23 · 5 months ago

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🫀⌇enamored┆choi jongho (fluff? version)

jongho x tattoo-artist!reader

│synopsis: the tattoo appointment turns unexpectedly intimate when jongho offers you, a drenched tattoo artist, his hoodie

│genre: fluff, sugestive

│trigger warnings: physical touch/intimacy, mild sexual tension, embarrassment, pain (tattoo process)

│words: 4.8k

│reminder: what you’re about to read is purely fiction, so let’s keep it separate from reality.

│the requested prompt is bold

!minors do not interact!

— hi there! i had so much fun writing this one! it was a request for drabble yet i couldn't help myself but write a fuller story. this one is slightly more sfw than the smut version that will be published soon! hope you will enjoy it! I LOVE WRITING JONGHO FR

thank you for requesting! ♡

love, monika ♡

i’d be so grateful for a little love – a tagged reblog or comment would truly make my day!

You started your day by sleeping through two of your alarms, and you were in a hurry to make it to your appointment. You cursed yourself for scheduling the first client of the day as early as 9 AM, knowing you preferred to sleep till noon rather than wake up at 7:30. The sound of rain pattering against your window only made it harder to leave the warmth of your bed. It was raining heavily, autumn was coming closer, and instead of colorful leaves, the world was grey and rainy. As you rushed through your morning routine, you couldn't help but feel a sense of dread for the day ahead. The dark clouds outside mirrored your mood, and the chill in the air made you shiver. You grabbed a quick breakfast—if a hastily made cup of coffee and a piece of toast could be called that—and dashed out the door, umbrella in hand. The streets were slick with rain, and you had to carefully navigate the puddles to avoid soaking your shoes. The wind was stronger than you expected. Halfway through your walk, it broke your umbrella, leaving you drenched in heavy rain. You cursed under your breath and started running, shielding yourself with your bag. Despite your efforts, the rain was relentless, soaking through your clothes and chilling you to the bone. Each step felt like a struggle as you splashed through puddles, your shoes squelching with every move.

You took the last turn to reach your studio, and to your surprise, it was still closed. You could swear your colleague was supposed to open at 8. As you approached the entrance, you saw a boy waiting outside—a handsome boy at that. He was standing there in a casual, dry outfit (at least his umbrella did its job) —a comfortable hoodie and dark jeans. The hoodie looked soft and warm, perfect for the gloomy weather. His hair was slightly damp, the ends curling adorably near his face. His big, boba eyes darted around, taking in the surroundings with a mix of curiosity and alertness. Despite the rain, he looked effortlessly cute, and you couldn’t help but feel a warm flutter in your chest. The way his hair falls into his eyes and the serene expression on his face all make you pause for a moment, just to take him in. You feel a smile tug at your lips as you watch him, utterly enamored by the sight.

Finally, you step closer, dripping water with every movement. The boy turns his gaze towards you, and his eyes widen slightly in surprise, "Hi, are you here for an appointment?" you ask, your voice cutting through the sound of the rain around you.

He nods, a small smile playing on his lips as he responds, "Yes, I am. I think I'm a little early though." Despite the dreary weather, his smile seems to brighten the rainy morning.

You nod, shivering slightly from the cold and the wetness that has seeped through your clothes. "I'm sorry for this, my colleague was supposed to be here already and welcome you in," you say, feeling embarrassed about the situation.

Tho boy’s smile widens, and he steps a little closer, offering his umbrella to shield you from the rain. "It's okay, really. I don't mind waiting," he reassures you. His kindness and the simple gesture of sharing his umbrella, made you smile.

"Thank you," you say, grateful for his thoughtfulness. As you huddle together under the small umbrella, you can't help but feel a little warmer, "I'll let us in," you quickly reach into your bag and pull out the key, unlocking the door to the studio. As you push the door open, the warmth inside immediately contrasts with the cold, damp air outside, and you both step in, grateful to be out of the rain. The sound of the door closing behind you feels like a barrier against the chaos of the morning. You gesture towards the sitting area. "Please, make yourself comfortable," you say, trying to shake off the cold.

You quickly run to the bathroom, grabbing a towel to dry at least some of the water from your hair. As you pat your hair dry, you glance at your reflection in the mirror, the water droplets clinging stubbornly to your clothes. With a sigh, you do your best to freshen up. After a few moments of trying to get the worst of the dampness out, you return to the main area where the boy is waiting. He still stands near the entrance, looking around the studio with mild curiosity. The cozy interior, with its warm lighting and comfortable furniture, is a stark contrast to the way he imagined a tattoo studio. You approach him with a tentative smile, hoping to make up for the less-than-ideal first impression. "Who are you having an appointment with?" you ask, your voice steadying as you try to regain some sense of normalcy despite the chaotic start to your day.

Jongho turns his attention back to you, his eyes sparkling with a hint of amusement. "I'm here to see Y/N," he replies, his tone polite and friendly. His presence seems to bring a calming effect, making you feel slightly more at ease.

"Oh, that's me then," you smile at him and offer your hand. "Nice to meet you."

The boy’s eyes light up, and he takes your hand in a gentle handshake. "Nice to meet you too, I’m Jongho" he replies, his cute, gummy smile widening. The warmth of his hand contrasts with the chill still lingering from your earlier drenching, and you feel a small spark of comfort.

"I will give you a few papers to fill in, a consent form, and a health questionnaire," you say, reaching for the necessary documents from the desk. You hand them to Jongho with a polite smile, "Please take your time to fill these out. It's important that we have all the necessary information to ensure everything goes smoothly and that I can provide you with the best possible service."

Jongho nods, taking the papers from you with a grateful smile. "Of course, I'll get started on these right away," he says, moving towards the couch. You watch as he settles in, his expression focused as he begins to fill out the forms.

You take a moment to catch your breath, the warmth of the studio slowly seeping into your bones and easing the chill from the morning's rain. As you glance around, you notice how Jongho carefully reads each question, his pen moving steadily across the page.

You smile as you watch him read through the forms. Your regulars usually breeze through the paperwork, filling them out quickly and almost mindlessly. Jongho, on the other hand, seemed to be taking his time, meticulously going over each question. It was a refreshing change of pace, and you couldn't help but be a little amused by his thoroughness.

"You've never done this before, have you?" you ask, your voice tinged with curiosity and a hint of amusement.

Jongho looks up from the papers, a sheepish smile playing on his lips. "Is it that obvious?" he replies, chuckling softly.

"Just a little bit," you say with a playful grin. "But don't worry, you're in good hands. I love new clients. There's something about watching them squirm in pain that just makes my day," you joke, giving him a teasing wink. "Kidding, of course. I promise to be gentle. Mostly."

Jongho laughs, the sound warm and genuine and you feel weak in your knees. "Well, that's reassuring," he says, his eyes twinkling with amusement. "I'll try not to squirm too much then."

"Good plan," you reply, still smiling. "But seriously, if you have any questions or concerns, just let me know. I'm here to make sure you have the best experience possible."

After a while, Jongho looks up from the forms, a puzzled expression on his face. "What's a Release of Liability?" he asks, his brow furrowed in confusion.

"Oh, it's a form that releases the tattoo artist and studio from liability for any issues that may arise during or after the tattoo process, as long as proper procedures were followed," you explain, your tone reassuring. "It's just a precaution to make sure everyone's on the same page and understands the risks involved."

Jongho nods slowly, absorbing the information. "Got it. Thanks for explaining," he says and you could hear a hint of relief in his voice. He quickly returns to filling out the forms.

You decide to search through your cabinets in the hope of finding at least a spare t-shirt when Jongho's voice breaks the silence once again. "Aren't you a bit uncomfortable with those wet clothes?" he asks, concern evident in his tone.

You pause, looking back at him with a small, embarrassed smile. "Yeah, it's not the most pleasant feeling," you admit, continuing your search. "I'm hoping I left something here that I can change into."

"You will also be a bit uncomfortable if I start tattooing you like that," you add with a light chuckle, your concern mixed with a touch of humor.

Jongho looks thoughtful for a moment before standing up and walking over to you, handing you filled out papers. "If you don't mind, I could offer you my hoodie, at least?" He suggests, his tone sincere and considerate.

You look at him, surprised by his offer. "Are you sure?" you reply, touched by his kindness.

He smiles (damn, his cheeks look so adorable when he smiles like that), shaking his head. "It's no trouble. Besides, I'm going to have to take it off for the tattoo anyway," he insists, already starting to remove the hoodie.

"Then I'd be really grateful," you say, your voice soft with appreciation. Jongho takes off his hoodie, and as he does, the hem of his t-shirt gets stuck and rides up a bit, revealing his lower abs. You can't help but glance, feeling a flutter in your stomach at the sight. His toned muscles and smooth skin make you momentarily forget the chill from your wet clothes. Cute and with a hot body, God really does have her favorites.

You quickly avert your gaze, hoping he didn't notice, and take the hoodie from him with a thankful smile. "Thank you, Jongho. This will help a lot,"

He grins, seemingly oblivious to your momentary distraction. "No problem. I'm glad to help," he replies, his eyes warm and friendly as he watches you.

"Alright, I will change quickly, and we will get started," you say while walking to the bathroom. You took off your drenched shirt and bra, leaving them in the sink, and slipped on Jongho's warm hoodie. His perfume envelops you with its intensity, you sniff it in, and you swear it does something to you. It was almost as if the perfume was made only to ignite a spark within you. You shake this thought off, then you take off your drenched shoes, thankful you had a spare pair of sneakers and shorts—you had left them to have something to change into when you were cleaning the studio. As you put on the dry clothes, you feel a wave of relief wash over you, the warmth from Jongho's hoodie providing much-needed comfort. Once you're dressed, you proceed to your station and start to prepare it for the session. The familiar routine of setting up your tools and arranging the workspace helps to steady your nerves. You glance over at Jongho, who is still seated in the cozy area, his eyes following your movements with quiet curiosity. Something is reassuring about his presence, and you find yourself feeling more at ease. "I usually don't do somebody else's designs," you start the conversation, breaking the silence as you continue to set up your station. "I only tattoo my own, but yours looked too nice to decline. Did you draw it yourself?"

Jongho looks up, a modest smile forming on his lips. "No, my best friend did. I've always been a fan of his drawings, and I thought it would be meaningful to have something he created permanently inked on me."

"That's really special," you reply, genuinely touched by the sentiment. "It's always nice to have a personal connection to the artwork. I'm honored to be the one to bring it to life for you."

Jongho nods appreciatively. "Thank you, it means a lot to me," he says, his eyes sparkling with sincerity. You can't help but wonder whether he's holding an entire galaxy in them.

After your station was set up, you printed out the tattoo stencil and transferred the design onto Jongho's skin. You carefully ensured that the placement and size were to his liking, and he nodded approvingly, a small smile playing on his lips.

Once satisfied with the stencil, you guided him to a chair. "We are doing this on your arm, so instead of lying down on a bed, I'll ask you to sit down," you explain, gesturing to the chair. Jongho takes his seat, settling in and getting comfortable. "Put your arm here on the armrest and make sure your muscles are relaxed, alright?" You instruct, your voice calm and reassuring as you guide Jongho into position. He follows your directions, placing his arm on the armrest and taking a deep breath to relax. You can see the tension easing out of his body, and you offer him an encouraging smile. "It's important to stay as still and relaxed as possible," you continue, preparing your tools with practiced efficiency. "The more relaxed you are, the smoother the process will be. If you start to feel uncomfortable or need a break, just let me know, okay?"

Jongho nods, his eyes focused on you with a mix of anticipation and trust. "Got it," he replies, his voice steady. "I'll do my best to stay still." You give him a nod before turning your attention back to your equipment. The familiar routine of setting up your tools and arranging the workspace helps to steady your nerves, and you find a sense of calm in the precision of your movements.

Glancing back at Jongho, you see that he’s watching you intently, his expression one of quiet curiosity. "Alright, we're ready to start," you say, meeting his gaze. "Remember, if you need anything, just let me know."

He smiles, a hint of nerves in his eyes but also excitement. "I'm ready."

With that, you begin the process, your focus entirely on bringing the design to life on his skin. The buzz of the tattoo machine fills the room and it makes you feel at ease. You glance at Jongho, your eyes filled with concern. "How's the pain?" you ask softly, ensuring your voice carries a tone of genuine care. You know that for many, the first moments of a tattoo can be the most daunting, and you're keen to make sure he's as comfortable as possible.

Jongho looks up at you, his eyes meeting yours with a reassuring smile. "It's not too bad," he replies, chuckling lightly. "It's a bit more intense than I expected, but nothing I can't handle." His attempt to stay brave and composed only makes you admire him more.

You nod, offering him a warm smile. "That's good to hear. But remember, if it gets too much, just let me know, okay? We can take a break anytime."

Jongho's gaze softens, and he nods appreciatively. "Thanks, I will," he says, his voice sincere.

As you continue your work, you realize you need to reposition yourself to get a better angle. Leaning down to adjust your position, you inadvertently move closer to Jongho. You get lost in your work again, the hum of the tattoo machine and the rhythm of your movements creating a focused trance. As you glance up at Jongho, you notice his cheeks are flushed with a deep blush. Confused, you follow his gaze downwards and realize, with a sudden jolt, that your chest is pressed against the armrest in such a way that Jongho’s open hand is inadvertently cupping your boob.

"Oh, it's fine!" you are quick to reassure him, but your voice comes out a bit louder than you expected. "It happens all the time," you add more gently, trying to compose yourself.

Despite your attempt to ease the tension, Jongho remains frozen, blinking a couple of times as he processes the situation. His cheeks turn an even deeper shade of red, "I'm so sorry," he stammers, his voice barely above a whisper. "I didn't mean to—"

You cut him off with a warm smile, hoping to put him at ease. "Really, it's okay," you say, this time your tone light. "These things can happen when you're in such close quarters. No harm done." You look up at him adding, ''Oh, and you can squeeze it if you want," you joke as you lean in again, a playful grin spreading across your face as you try to lift the mood. "I won't charge extra for that."

Jongho's eyes widen, and he stammers, "N-no, I couldn't! I mean, I didn't mean to—I'm so sorry!" His face turns an even deeper shade of red, and he looks utterly mortified. He quickly averts his gaze, staring at the floor as if it might open and swallow him whole.

You can't help but chuckle at his reaction, finding his shyness endearing. "It's really okay, Jongho. I was just teasing," you say, your voice gentle and reassuring. "Let's just focus on the tattoo, alright?"

Jongho nods vigorously, still unable to meet your eyes. "Y-yeah, let's do that," he mumbles. He takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself down, but you can see the frustration and embarrassment still lingering in his expression.

But the thing is that suddenly you can't quite focus on your job. You feel the warmth from Jongho's hand on your chest, with only the fabric of his hoodie between you, and you start to feel uneasy. He was good-looking, sure, but you've been in this situation a hundred times before with plenty of other good-looking clients and never really minded it. So why now? As you continue to work, the sensation lingers. You steal a glance at Jongho, noticing the way his eyes are now fixed on the tattoo, his brows slightly furrowed as he looks at how the needle works, and how it deposits the ink into his skin. There's something about his presence that's different, something that stirs feelings you can't quite put into words. You try to push your thoughts aside, focusing on the rhythmic hum of the tattoo machine and the precise movements of your hands. But it's no use. Every time you lean in, every time you brush against his arm or hand, you feel a spark, a weird sensation in your stomach. His scent, the warmth of his body—everything about him seems to draw you in, making it difficult to maintain your professional detachment. In the quiet moments between the buzz of the machine, you find yourself wondering about him. What kind of person is he? What stories lie behind those boba eyes? Curiosity is distracting, pulling your attention away from the task at hand. You take a deep breath, trying to steady your thoughts, but the fluttering in your chest refuses to subside. You can't help but feel a bit frustrated with yourself. This isn't like you. You've always prided yourself on your ability to stay focused and professional, no matter the circumstances. Yet here you are, struggling to keep your mind from wandering, struggling to keep your emotions in check. It's both exhilarating and unsettling, and you can't decide whether you love it or hate it.

Suddenly Jongho lets out a small whimper, and for a second his hand squeezes your boob. Your eyes widen, and you swallow hard after clearing your throat, trying once again to compose yourself. The warmth of his touch sent electric tingles through your body, making it hard to focus, the sensation in your stomach only getting stronger. If you weren't before, you were definitely turned on now. "Are you alright?" you asked, your voice slightly shaky and betraying the flustered state you were in.

He looked up at you, his eyes wide with a mix of pain and embarrassment. "I'm so sorry, it's just the pain stung a little bit," he explained quickly, his voice laced with genuine regret. It was clear that he was unaware of his hand's movement, and the unintentional intimacy of the moment seemed to have gone unnoticed by him.

You took a deep breath, trying to steady your racing heart. "It's okay," you managed to say, your voice softer as you tried to reassure him. "Just try to relax." You hoped your words would calm him, even though you could barely calm yourself. Jongho nodded, his cheeks flushed as he attempted to regain his composure.

As you continued to work, the air between you seemed charged with an unspoken tension. You couldn't shake the feeling of his touch, and your thoughts kept drifting back to the unexpected moment. Every glance at Jongho, every accidental brush, seemed to reignite the fluttering in your chest. You took a deep breath, pushing those thoughts aside as best as you could. "Alright, we're almost there," you said, your voice steadying as you neared the completion of the tattoo. "Just hang in there a little longer." Jongho nodded, his focus returning to the tattoo process. He seemed more relaxed now, his earlier embarrassment fading away as he concentrated on the sensation of the needle against his skin. Finally, you finished the last stroke and lifted the machine, taking a step back to admire your work. "All done," you announced with a smile, feeling a mix of relief and satisfaction.

Jongho looked down at the fresh tattoo, his eyes lighting up with excitement and appreciation. "It looks amazing," he said, his voice filled with genuine admiration. "Thank you so much."

You smiled, feeling a warm rush of pride. "You're welcome. I'm glad you like it."

You put your tattoo machine down and take off your gloves. You glance at Jongho as you throw the needle and other trash, and you notice how Jongho hesitates before standing up, his movements deliberate and cautious. You didn't pay too much mind, assuming he might just be feeling a bit sore or stiff from sitting in one position for so long. You turned to search for a new pair of gloves and the tattoo bandage, focusing on gathering the necessary supplies to wrap his fresh ink and ensure it was properly protected. As you turned back to face him, you saw him tugging his shirt down with an almost desperate force. It was then that you noticed the distinct outline in his jeans. The sight caused a sudden jolt in your chest, a mixture of surprise and a rush of emotions, a blush creeping in. You reminded yourself to keep things professional, but the unspoken tension in the room was too obvious, and you couldn't ignore the way your own body reacted. Taking a deep breath, you approached Jongho with the bandage, your hands steady even though your heart was racing.

"Looks like I'll need to wrap this up nice and tight," you say with a teasing smile, your voice carrying a hint of playful suggestion. "We wouldn't want anything to get out of hand."

Jongho's eyes widen slightly at your words, a faint blush creeping back onto his cheeks. He chuckles nervously, trying to play it cool. "Yeah, definitely wouldn't want that," he replies, his voice tinged with a mix of amusement and embarrassment.

You carefully begin to wrap the tattoo with the dedicated bandage, ensuring it's secure and protected. As you work, you can't help but notice the slight tension in Jongho's body, the way his breathing seems to have quickened just a bit.

The silence between you was getting uncomfortable. Jongho cleared his throat, trying to break the tension. "So, uh," he began, his voice shakier than before. "Do you have any tips for taking care of the tattoo?" His attempt at casual conversation was endearing, and you could tell he was trying to steer the moment back to a more normal footing.

You nodded, grateful for the chance to focus on something else than the burning feeling in your stomach. "Yes, absolutely," you replied, your voice steadying. "Keep it clean and moisturize it every three to four hours with the cream I'll give you. Avoid soaking it in water and stay out of direct sunlight. I'll give you an aftercare sheet with all the details."

Jongho listened intently, his eyes meeting yours with a mix of curiosity and lingering embarrassment. "Got it. I'll make sure to follow the instructions," he said, his voice more composed now. As you finished applying the tattoo bandage, the proximity between you felt charged, and you couldn't help but notice the way his breath hitched slightly whenever your fingers brushed against his warm skin.

"If you have any questions or need a touch-up, don't hesitate to contact me," you added, trying to keep the conversation flowing smoothly.

"Thank you," Jongho replied, his expression softening. "I really appreciate the care and effort you put into this. It means a lot to me."

You smiled, "It's been a pleasure, Jongho. I'm glad I could help bring your friend's design to life."

As Jongho gets ready to leave, he gathers his things and glances at you with a shy smile. You can see him hesitating slightly before he gestures toward you saying, "I guess I'll have to come back to get my hoodie."

You chuckle, leaning against the counter with a playful glint in your eyes. "Yeah, looks like you'll have to," you reply with a wink. "Or maybe I could just keep it as a souvenir?" You draw out the words, making sure he knows you're teasing him.

Jongho laughs, shaking his head. "I don't think I could let you get away with that, this one's my favorite" he teases back, his tone light but his eyes serious. "But I wouldn't mind another visit." The implication hangs in the air, making your heart skip a beat.

You smile, feeling a warmth in his words that makes your cheeks flush. "Well, the door's always open for you," you say, a hint of anticipation in your voice. The thought of seeing him again fills you with a mix of excitement and nervousness.

He chuckles, rubbing the back of his neck as if trying to muster up the courage to say something more. "Actually, I was wondering if... maybe..." He trails off, his cheeks flushing slightly as he struggles to find the right words. "I mean, would you like to... go out for a—" He stumbles over the words, his voice trembling slightly.

Before he can finish his sentence, you cut in with a teasing smile, unable to resist the urge to make him squirm a little. You raise an eyebrow, a mischievous grin spreading across your face. "Are you trying to ask me out on a date?" you tease, your eyes twinkling with amusement.

He blushes deeper, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. "Yeah, I guess I am," he admits, his voice barely above a whisper. The vulnerability in his eyes makes your heart melt.

"Are you sure you want to ask me out while you have a boner?" you quip, unable to keep a straight face.

Jongho's eyes widen, and he lets out a nervous laugh. "Hey, you were the one who put your boob in my hand on purpose," he jokes back, his tone light and playful, trying to deflect the embarrassment.

You burst out laughing, shaking your head. "I promise it wasn't on purpose," you say, your eyes twinkling with amusement. "But hey, if I wanted to, I'd definitely charge extra for that." The playful banter eases the tension between you.

Jongho laughs, the tension easing as he meets your gaze with a playful glint. "Fair enough."

"So, dinner today at 8?" you ask, a hopeful look in your eyes.

Jongho's eyes light up, and he nods eagerly. "Today at 8," he confirms, his voice filled with excitement. The anticipation in his voice mirrors your own feelings, making your heart beat a little faster.

You smile warmly at him, and at this point, your cheeks start to hurt "Will you pick me up?"

"Absolutely," he replies, "I'll see you then." The promise of the evening ahead fills you both with a mix of nerves and excitement.

As Jongho heads for the door, you can't resist adding one last teasing remark. "Oh, and Jongho," you call out making him turn his head back to you, his hand backing off from the handle of the doors. Your smile at him sweetly, before continuing, your voice playful but with a hint of seriousness. "You better not... you know, take care of yourself before our date. If dinner's a flop, I might need something else to stuff my mouth with." You give him a wink, your tone suggestive but not too forward.

Jongho blinked a few times before meeting your gaze straight-on, a confident yet mischievous smile finally forming on his lips "Oh, don't worry," he replies, his voice smooth and bold. "I'll make sure to save plenty for you. Just don't be surprised if dessert comes before dinner." He winks back at you, leaving you with a racing heart and a grin you can't wipe off your face.

#jongho x reader #jongho x y/n #jongho x you #jongho fluff #jongho smut #ateez x reader #ateez x you #ateez x y/n #jongho oneshot #jongho fanfic #jongho fanfiction #ateez fanfiction #ateez fanfic

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ponderingmoonlight · 1 year ago

Text

How JJK men react to different insecurities part 1

Pairings: Nanami x reader with facial scars (reqested by @ynackerman9499) Megumi x fem! reader with small breasts (requested by anon) Sukuna x reader with acne (requested by @sanicsmut)

Word Count: 2,9k

Warnings: if you feel triggered by any of those insecurities please don't read it, I'm writing this out of an insecure pov - there's nothing wrong with having scars, acne or small breasts okay 🤍 Hope y'all enjoy 🤍

Kento Nanami - facial scars

You look at yourself in the mirror, eyes already starting to sting in tears. Why? Why did it have to end like this? You were never a pity person, never worried too much about looks. But this, this is something completely different.

“Hey darling, are you okay?”

“Yeah…”, you mumble in response, shaky hand mindlessly dropping your toothbrush into the sink.

You hate the way you look, the way those ugly scars are now a part of your face that will never fade away. Even though you are lucky you even survived, even though all that counts for you is that your precious boyfriend is still around, you’ve been avoiding looking at your own self ever since, covering yourself with makeup and masks even around him.

Him. Kento Nanami. The light of your life, the best boyfriend you could ask for. He told you over and over how much he loves you, that he couldn’t care less about a few scars decorating your face. But ever since that fateful day, you hid yourself very well from him – so well that he hasn’t seen your face ever since.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”, a gentle voice behind you mumbles.

Before you are able to react, he wraps his arms around you from behind and presses your body against his large frame. Frantically, you cover your face with your hands, your mask laying on top of the shelf on the other side of the room. Fuck, why didn’t you lock the door as usual? How could you be so careless? If he gets to see you like this, a jaw-dropping gorgeous man like Kento…

Would he still love you after seeing you like this when you aren’t even able to accept yourself?

“Please stop hiding from me, (y/n). I know the last weeks were rough, that you are insecure about the scars the fight left on your face. But please, just let me look at you without makeup or that mask, let me finally see the love of my life again. You are too precious to not be looked at.”

“I’m not”, you cough out.

Don’t cry, don’t make it more embarrassing than it already is. You have always been so strong, so independent. Crying over something ridiculous like this doesn’t suit you at all. You know yourself that it’s stupid, hiding from the love of your life because of a few scars. But every time you look into the mirror, you see nothing but a crippled version of what you used to be, a shadow of the person Kento fell in love with.

You couldn’t take it. Over and over, you imagined how he’d stare at you with disgust creeping up his face, turning away from you and never coming back. No wonder, Kento is a very attractive man after all, women hitting on him every time both of you go out. But you…One single glimpse in the mirror is enough to make you shiver, to let a single tear fall down your eye.

You are far away from being attractive by now.

“I hate seeing you like this and it truly breaks my heart that I’m not able to see your gorgeous face anymore-“

“Because it’s not”, you scream so suddenly that he flinches.

“I look nothing like the person you fell in love with years ago! I-I’m nothing but a shadow of myself, Kento! If you see me like this, you…”

You can’t put it into words, the thought alone cutting through your heart like a knife through warm butter. He’s better off without you and you know it, he’d definitely be able to pull a nice partner for himself, one that doesn’t look as worn down as yourself. But your heart simply can’t take it, just thinking about him with someone else feels like dying from inside.

You can’t lose him. Even if it’s selfish.

“(y/n).”

Gently, he positions himself in front of you and grabs your face. You want to run away, want to hide your ugly scars from his gaze. But instead, you just stare at him blankly, tears rolling down your cheeks like a waterfall by now. Is this the moment, the moment he realizes that he doesn’t want to be with you anymore?

“Just like I expected. You look as breath-taking as you did back then. These scars show nothing but how strong you are, that you are able to survive everything. Why would you ever suggest that I’d leave you because of something like this? You are my treasure, my everything, (y/n). Wouldn’t you love me if I had scars all over my face?”

“Of course I would”, you sniff immediately.

Kento smiles down at you softy, placing a kiss on every little scar on your face while you cry your eyes out.

How? How do you even deserve a caring man like him, how is he still able to look at you with nothing but affection in his eyes?

“See? Now, put away those masks and your makeup and be proud of what you did, okay? You saved the lives of our first years. Never forget how strong you are.”

“I love you more than anything else, Kento”, you mumble before pressing your face against his firm chest and getting lost in his scent.

“I love you too, darling. Maybe even more with those scars.”

Megumi Fushiguro - small breasts

You watch in sheer disinterest as a random girl from another Jujutsu sorcerer school positions herself in front of you, her cheeky grin almost eating you up alive.

“And who are you?”

“I’m (y/n) and a student here at Jujutsu High”, you remark dryly, not interested the slightest in her cheeky tone.

From the outside, she definitely looks like a dream girl. Tall but not too tall, blonde but not too blonde, doe eyes but not too innocent. And not to mention, the big pair of cherries that seems to stare right through your soul.

Even though you know that you are a decent looking girl, this one thing about your body always made you feel insecure. Every damn day of puberty, you hoped for a miracle overnight, that your breast might eventually start growing. But of course, that never happened.

Instead, you seem to be stuck with small boobs until the end of time. And while it definitely has its advantages here and there, it always makes you feel bad about yourself when you see girls like her, girls who are blessed with those natural curves.

“What kind of woman is your type?”, you suddenly hear from afar, ears perking up just the slightest.

“I don’t know.”

You swallow. That voice you know all to well, the voice of bored Megumi Fushiguro. Who is he talking to? And why on earth does your heart start racing, waiting desperately for his response?

“Are you more like an ass or a boob guy?”

“As long as they have an unshakable character, I won’t ask for more.”

“I saw the way you blinked when I said boobs.”

“There’s nothing wrong with admitting the truth”, Yuji interjects.

“Even if I do, what’s the purpose of all these stupid questions!?”

Your heart sinks. Ever since you’ve joined Jujutsu High, you always had both eyes set on that gorgeous boy. And even though it always seemed a little ridiculous, you thought he even liked you back from time to time. How stupid it was to think that a boy like him would want a girl like you, how stupid to even consider you are his type. Aren’t all boys nowadays into big boobs or big butts?

To be honest, you have neither.

“Why are you looking at me so sad now? Oh, are you jealous? Don’t worry, not everyone has the right to be blessed by mother nature. You’ll find someone who loves you the way you are, though – looking like a stick.”

Her words. Her venomous words shouldn’t hit you with full force, her words shouldn’t make tears sting in the corners of your eyes.

But oh they do.

With a swift motion, you get up from the stairs you were sitting on, running up as fast as you can to avoid curious looks. Damn, how was a bitch like her able to make you feel this miserable, why does it even bother you this much that you have a smaller chest?

Because everyone around you doesn’t have this issue. Because it seems like you’re the only one who isn’t blessed. Even Nobara and Maki have bigger boobs than you, even though Maki is well-trained. Why do you have to look this way? And why…

Why isn’t this what Megumi wants?

“Have you seen her? That looked like (y/n) running into that room”, Megumi mutters, looking after you in confusion.

Why would you run into a storage room so rapidly? You almost looked sad, as if something hurt you. He clenches his fist, not even caring about Yuji’s answer anymore. Out of all people, you are the one who shouldn’t feel bad a single moment, whoever did this to you will-“

“(y/n)”, he breathes out.

There you sit, back against the wall and your face in your hands, tears visibly running down your face. His heart almost stops. Megumi has never seen you cry, you were always the cool and composed one. What made you sit there, crying your eyes out?

“Don’t look at me”, you spit at him, turning away in an instant while hugging your knees.

Your words hit him with full force. Why did you sound so furious, did he do something wrong?

“But (y/n), I want to know what-“

“You’re not interested in my anyway, aren’t you?”

You know all too well how ridiculous and childish your words sound, but you can’t keep yourself together. All these months you roamed after him, thought you’d really stand a chance. And now…

And now Megumi Fushiguro isn’t into girls with small breasts?

“Why would you think that?”, he replies in an instant.

Instinctively, he rushes to your side, his mind racing. When did he ever give you the idea that he isn’t interested in you? Of course, he wasn’t exactly clear about it. After all, he himself was scared that you might not be interested in him and everything would turn out awkward after his confession. But did he really treat you this badly?

“Didn’t you say it yourself?”

The venomous tone of your voice makes him flinch. Even with your face puffy from all the tears and twisted in agony, you still look absolutely breath-taking. God, when did he mess up so bad? He can’t lose you like this, not when he doesn’t even know what happened-

“If you’re not attracted to girls with small breasts, I’m certainly not the one for you.”

Megumi has to blink a few times, mind trying to understand the words that just left your mouth. He, into girls with big breast? He, not into you? It doesn’t make any sense. You, the most wonderful girl walking on this earth? You with a body that makes his knees go weak in an instant? You, the girl he’s hopelessly in love with?

“What are you talking about? You are the only one I care about”, he clarifies before thinking twice.

Your heart skips a beat, eyes darting towards him in an instant. One look into his innocent orbs tells you that he isn’t just lying into your face, that he actually means what he just said. Does that mean…?

“B-but…Just a few moments ago, you said it yourself!”, you demand weakly.

“You mean my conversation with that guy from Kyoto? (y/n), I couldn’t care less about things like that. The only think that’s important for me is your character made of pure gold, okay? And also, I love your body the way it is. You look absolutely stunning. And your breast do too.”

In an instant, your cheeks turn bright red. Oh god, did he really just say that? Megumi wants to punch himself for his unfiltered words, for the fact that he clearly made you uncomfortable. Is there a way out of this misery?

“I-I mean…I think they look really good. You look really good. You don’t need big breasts for that. And I imagine small breast have their-“

“Please”, you interrupt him.

“I get it, but can we please stop talking about my boobs like that?”

Ryomen Sukuna - acne

“A pretty bad position you put yourself him, huh?”, the king of curses in front of you sneers.

Your hands fight desperately against the invisible chains, eyes searching for the tiniest possibility of a way out. But it’s impossible. After all, you aren’t held hostage by anyone. No, the man who’s sitting in front of you with his head resting in his hand is none other than Sukuna himself.

“Rather a position you put me in, idiot”, you bite back.

He chuckles unpromising, hand grabbing your chin before you’re even able to fight back. His eyes let your blood freeze in your veins, heart pumping so loudly that you bet he can hear it from afar.

“I don’t need to remind you that you’re here because you’re fighting for the wrong side, right?”

“The wrong side? Whose side is right, then?”

“Mine, of course.”

You snort disdainfully, yanking your chin out of his firm grasp. This guy has some nerves, talking down at you when you were out there enjoying yourself.

“I bet you’d fit well right by my side. You’re strong, you’re hot-“

“Don’t call me hot”, you interrupt immediately.

Out of instinct, you turn your face away from him. The face that makes you feel uncomfortable every time someone looks at it, the face that is responsible for multiple dumb comments you received when you were still at school. You know it’s a quite common thing. Many people fight against acne, some worse than you. But god, how much you hate to look at yourself, to see a new red spot on your face each and every day. No one at Jujutsu High ever pointed it out or looked at you in disgust. Yes, the times were people picked on you because of your acne are long gone.

But oh, their comments still haunt you, they still make you believe that you will never be able to be fully beautiful with those things covering your damn face.

“Why wouldn’t I?”

May the ground swallow you whole and get you out of this uncomfortable position. Why on earth does it have to be Sukuna who gets curious about you rejecting his compliment? Why can’t Yuji just regain the control over his body and put an end to your suffering?

“Because it’s a lie”, you press out.

Again, Sukuna gets a hold of your chin, his face now so near that you aren’t able to escape his stinging gaze anymore.

“Why are you saying that, brat?”

“Are you blind or something?”, you bark at him.

It feels like back then when your classmates used to pick on you. But this time, it isn’t a dumb kid that just wants to make fun of you. No, this time it’s actually the king of curses who toys with your insecurity, the only sore point you have about yourself.

“You may be. Because I don’t get why you’re talking down yourself like that.”

“Don’t you see that stuff covering my whole face?”

You can’t take it anymore, his intense staring paired with your own embarrassment. Within the last months, you really thought you got over the fact that your acne won’t go away that fast, that you’ll have to fight for it to disappear. And since no one ever mentioned it at Jujutsu High, you began to tolerate the red marks covering your skin. But at this moment, your sensitive confidence seems to shatter.

“And what about it? I don’t get what you’re talking about, brat”, Sukuna remarks dryly.

You blink a few times. The bored expression on his face tells you more than clearly that he isn’t making fun of you at all. Is it really possible that Ryomen Sukuna meant what he said, that he isn’t bothered about your face?

“I have acne all over my face”, you breathe out.

He rolls his eyes and shrugs his shoulders, hand moving your chin right and left.

“I don’t give zero fucks about that.”

It’s a simple answer, an answer spat in your face with disinterest. But oh does it make sparks fly around you and your heart almost beat out of your chest. The king of curses doesn’t care about acne.

The fucking king of curses called you hot despite your face is covered in red spots.

“I don’t know why anyone would care about shit like that. You’re strong and you’re hot, what about those spots?”, he continues while rolling his eyes.

“You really mean it”, you mutter more to yourself than him, a smile creeping up your face.

You feel like a little girl, the urge to giggle and jump up and down almost becoming unbearable. He really finds you hot. He really saw your face and lost not a single thought about your acne.

And he’s the king of curses.

“Why are you looking at me like that, brat? Did you forget that I kidnapped you?”

“Oh, you can kidnap me anytime”, you answer almost euphoric.

Sukuna tilts his head, eyes scanning you up and down.

“Humans really are strange.”

Tags: @arehzhera @ploylulla @tzubaki @beatrexworld @kenstarsworld @dazaisdick @hellkaiserinphoenix @lauv4chuuya @shadowfoxey @starlightanyaaa @sindela @kayleegomez @sunshine7queen @magalimachete @mokoartpost @gatitam @idontknow1123 @creative1writings @sanicsmut @mynahx3 @sad-darksoul @chilichopsticks @hellkaiserinphoenix @chuyasthighs0 @ynackerman9499 @keepghostly @wxwieeee @lovelyluna1 @froufrousnowman @hidazinie @tomiokathedepresso @gojosrealwife @coffeeluvr96 @mahi-tamashi @weebotaku21 @chaoticwinnercupcake @lees-chaotic-brain @risuola @sugurulefttesticle @wordskeeper @baku2345 @polarbvnny @ruixrei @bam-bam-bam-bame-blog @lavenderdrxp @localhehecat @alicerhr @kayleegomez

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ymechi · 1 year ago

Text

Who is the real Creator?

I had to edit and remove some parts for this to make sense, I hope it is coherent if not please tell me so I can fix it and explain everything better. I did not expect people to be interested in this au so I was surprised! I hope you guys enjoy this chapter!

-TW: cult au, yandere, impostor au, mentions of being hunted down, mentions of trauma, mentions of character injuring themselves (nothing major)

-Gn reader and darling (please tell me if I mess this up message me and I will fix it)

Part 1, This is part 2, part 3, part 4

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Reader ushered Darling inside giving them the blanket which they used to dry their wet self. They sort of reminded Reader of what a wet sad cat one of their neighbors used to own looked like after a rainy day. Darling sat on the kitchen table as Reader once again prepared some tea. Reader really should get a nice tea set soon, they mentally put that on their shopping list the next time they are going to the market.

Darling sat quietly at the table sniffing and not saying much, Reader had no idea what to say before it would have been so easy they knew each other in and out. Yet now. . . it was as if a hundred years had passed, a million things had happened. Reader was now not sure what to say.

They weren't sure if they even wanted to comfort Darling. Shouldn't Darling be comforting Reader? All they got was that half-assed hospital meeting.

If Darling is upset wasn't there a league of followers, acolytes, servants heck even Archons who would comfort them why come to them now out of all times and alone? Clearly something serious happened that they had to runaway alone to them out of all people.

Reader inwardly sighed.

They bought out a pan. One thing they knew how to lighten the mood up was pancakes, it was easy and they knew how to do that . In fact, they might get a master's degree in making pancakes, Reader should ask Nahida if that is possible.

(They tried not to think that it was Darling's favourite meal to eat after being sad.)

"So. . . What happened?" Reader tried to start.

Darling did not respond for a while just quietly staring at them. Their eyes were a bit dull and exhaustion was evident on their face. They seemed to contemplate what to say before they started.

"I. . . I asked to wield a sword, at first they were against it but I wanted to try y'know?"

There was no question who they were, the crazy cultist acolytes. Reader shuddered at some of their past interactions with them, they were good weapon wielders reader would give them that. . . Reader had first-hand experience after all.

Yet Darling was alone with the trigger-happy acolytes all this time.

Although Darling was the supposed Creator, they should have been fine, Reader looked over at them and they lacked any surface wounds.

They should have been fine right?

"It was fine at first they taught me proper stances but then I got a bit touchy with the sword, you know me how I get with stuff like that and then I," she sighed, "I cut myself like an idiot."

Reader rubbed their head and thought about it, they would not be here for a cut something else went on and they waited for Darling to finish.

"Then I bled," Darling was quiet for a moment, "it was red."

Hey, it rhymed Reader wanted to say to break the tension but Reader refrained. They did not get it at all. What was so wrong with red blood? Wasn't blood supposed to be red.

Darling must have caught on and they looked like they finally understood something. It was they who wanted to understand what was going on!

"Uhm yeah you maybe don't know but the Creator is supposed to bleed gold."

Oh.

"Oh."

That is all they could say really. They felt dumb for a second there they had been actively avoiding taking any religious classes or any mention of religion for their own mental health's sake. Perhaps if they did not avoid it as much they would have understood what was going on much easier but for now the single religious book they owned remained hidden and untouched in their drawer.

Now that they finally understood the problem it was quite the conundrum. Darling was supposed to be the Creator yet now they were not because of some gold blood requirement. What would happen to Darling? Would they accuse them of harming the "real Creator"? Hunt them down like they did to Reader? Would they come and hunt down Reader again?

Although they doubted they would be hunted down again as the "blessings of the Creator" thing, whatever that meant, Nahida told everyone else seemed to work and placate them.

"Now what?" A reader asked tiredly.

"I don't know I managed to sneak out while they were distracted but I guess they will find out soon to come and get me."

Reader grimaced and turned around to prepare to finally whisk the ingredients they were too distracted to do while they listened to Darling.

"So like did they hurt you after they found out or something?" Reader cringed at their wording. They could have said that better considering it was a serious topic.

"No they didn't they just healed me and left me in my room," Darling paused, "You should have seen some of the looks on their faces, like I killed their puppy or something. . ."

Reader tried to imagine what it was like worshipping someone only for that person not to be the god they worshiped. It must have gone bad for both parties involved. Darling was told she was a god only to be looked at in disappointment. The followers who eagerly awaited for their beloved Creator only for it to be an illusion.

"Yikes, I can't imagine it was pleasant."

"It wasn't."

They went quiet after that soon the pancakes were ready and Reader went out to serve them along with the tea. Reader had to admit they could make some good mean pancakes because Darling looked a bit better with some of the color returning to their face.

There was another knock at the door.

Another visitor? Who would come- They looked at Darling, oh right.

Darling once again looked pale and the grip on their utensils was trembling. What had they done to shake them up this much? Reader wasn't doing better either their heartbeat going frantic as unpleasant memories resurfaced. Damnit they thought they had gotten better.

"Reader it is me Nahida we need to talk, I am sorry but it is urgent."

Reader inhaled, thank the stars it was only Nahida.

They relaxed their shoulders and opened the door. Despite the rain, the Archon looked dry and Reader wondered what sort of magic they used and if they could learn it as well.

"I am sorry to interfere," she looked behind Reader, "but it seems you have the person we have been searching for," Nahida said while looking genuinely sorry.

Right, the only person Darling knew besides the acolytes in this world was the Reader. No wonder they were found out so quickly.

"Uhm- uh- How about some pancakes first?"

Nahida looked the the back of Darling who was hunched over and relented. She must have seen something as she agreed rather quickly. Reader closed the door as the Archon entered their home. Nahida approached Darling they did an elegant bow and Reader was suddenly hit that Darling was or now was the creator. Darling got someone as well respected as Nahida to bow.

Reader had seen the way people behaved in respect and reverence at Nahida and how the scholars, the Emirates, and merchants would listen and take in her input. So someone like Nahida bowing. . .

Reader never fully understood the weight and status of that position the so-called "Creator" held even after being hunted down over it.

Yet now it seemed very heavy.

How did Darling live with that?

Darling face grimaced as she saw the bow. Nahida looked worried.

"Is there something going on your grace?"

This was going to be an awkward conversation. How to explain to someone you were not the god you thought they were?

Darling looked at Reader before looking back at their untouched pancakes.

"I am not your grace Nahida I bleed red like the rest."

A tense silence followed.

Nahida to her credit seemed calm with the revelation. She had her point finger touching her mouth in a contemplative gesture.

"I see and that is why you are here."

The room was quiet for a while. Reader awkwardly wrung her hands and it was surprisingly Darling, the least stable person who spoke up again.

"Did you know?" Darling said in an accusing tone their eyebrows narrowed. Reader thought they almost looked angry. Where did that come from? How could Nahida have known if no one else including them knew?

"To be honest your-," she paused," I had my suspicions.

Wait what- That was the first Reader heard about this.

"And you did not bother to tell me! To tell anyone?!" Darling jumped up from the chair.

"Was it funny watching me being led on, all those expectations, all those promises my whole world getting fucked up - fuck can I even go back home to my family?!"

Reader jumped between them hiding Nahida behind them trying to calm Darling down who looked to be on the verge of crying or a breakdown.

"Look Darling I know you are upset, it's messed up but she didn't have anything to do with it okay? I am sure she had her reasons."

Darling took one glance at Reader's eyes and fell down on the chair, they hid their face in their arms.

"I am. . . Sorry. . . Shit."

That de-escalated quickly just as it erupted. They worry about Darling's mental health at this point.

"It is fine, I suppose this is a very difficult situation for everyone involved," said Nahida.

Reader wrung their hands together.

"Hey I know it's not the time but I did make extra pancakes let's eat first?" They tried not to sound pathetic.

The silence was their reply.

"You and your damn pancakes," Darling said and snorted.

"Hey! I only do it because I know it cheers you up!" they said and huffed.

Nahida who looked at them laughed, the previous suffocating tension was gone and Reader went up to get a plate for Nahida as well. Finally both Reader and the Archon sat down on their seat they all ate in relative silence but it wasn't as awkward as it could have been.

Once finished Reader poured some hot tea.

"Thank you Reader the pancakes were delicious I will have to ask you to let me eat them again sometime."

Reader smiled at the Archon.

"Of course, you are welcome any time."

Darling who watched them snorted. Reader looked at them with questioning eyes.

"What are you laughing at," Reader said in an accusing tone. Was Darling mocking them again?

"You speak like them now," Darling said with an amused glint in their eyes as they looked at Reader.

"Ohh, I guess I kind of do. . ."

"Nerd."

"Hey!"

Nahida once again took a look at them and laughed. Both snapped out of their bubble and looked at the Archon sheepishly.

"I am glad to see you two are getting along well, I hope both of you don't mind the topic changing to a more serious one," she looked at both of them and both nodded,"Before we start, I have a question for you Darling."

Darling looked apprehensive but nodded.

"Do the others know about you not being the creator?"

". . .Yeah they do," Darling said and looked at their empty plate.

"I see that does make things easier it is better it is out now that later knowing how overzealous some acolytes and followers can get."

Reader grimaced and Darling looked a bit defeated at the statement.

"How much do you both know about the creator?"

Reader and Darling looked at each other and it was Reader who started to speak.

"Honestly not much I avoid religious talk at all cost."

Nahida looked at Reader with sympathy.

"I guess I am the opposite I got to learn a lot, basically in each new era the creator descends into a new incarnation, and their vessel is not always the same," she paused thinking about what to say next, "They like to live peacefully with their people because of that they don't always have their powers with them but they can gain them over time, something like that"

"Yes that is most of it, it is presumed in this era the creator chose to be a normal human which we thought was you Darling. We also thought that the Creator's presence and powers were weak due to being a normal human in this incarnation. Despite you not being the Creator some part of what I said is true.

"Which part?" Darling asked.

"The part where the creator chose to be an ordinary human, despite having such a faint presence me being so attuned to Irminsul could still feel it, yet it was weak. That is why I was confused. Rather than being the Creator you Darling had gotten a blessing from the Creator."

"But how I have never met them" Darling interjected.

Nahida stared at Reader and once again Reader was reminded of those intense stares directed at them as if trying to solve a puzzle piece.

"No, the creator was - is still quite close to you."

"Wait really?" Darling looked at Nahida in confusion inching closer towards the Archon as if they went closer physically they would solve the mystery.

"Yes we are sitting beside them after all."

There was no question about who Nahida meant both she and Darling were staring at Reader.

No.

That is what Reader replied with.

Nahida shook her head.

"I am afraid it is true.

No way.

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Taglist: @resident-cryptid @probablynoposts @esthelily @mitsukashi @charming-mage @chaoticfivesworld @irisxiel @dulcedelechenginamo

#genshin impact #sagau #genshin sagau #self aware au #self aware genshin #cult au #yandere #imposter au #sort of not really an imposter au #mentions of trauma #mentions of character injuring themselves (nothing major)#mentions of being hunted down #nahida #Not much is happening in this chapter to be honest #they eat pancakes and talk

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