#did I have a very specific Mats' sweater in mind? Yes I did (it's the 10 year challenge one)

[gufettodue]

Sweater

He calls himself stupid once, twice, fifty times but the instinct is too strong: he takes the sweater. Then he promptly curses himself, marches back into the away dressing room and puts it back. He can’t. He’s not a thief. He’s just dealing badly with..well, life really. He never thought abandonment issues or heartbreak would come in the form of a national squad list but hey, first time for everything. Maybe it's a pile on effect, first failing to compete with Dortmund, then Robert, now…

How the fuck does Reus do it? - Thomas asks himself. Then he sighs. Marco would probably take the sweater. Call it his due for the world leaving him behind. Only, Thomas is not the one being left behind. He is the one going. Scheiße. He goes back and takes the sweater.

_

The shit thing about international tournaments is that you never know how long you will be away for. A week, a month, a single match? Is the weight in your chest going to lift if you win it all? 

Thomas wears the sweater to the last Bayern training - not while actually training, just on his way to the session. The fabric is soft and worn, cozy in the way only beloved clothes can be. It smells like the pine shampoo Thomas has known for a lifetime, its too long sleeves falling down on his hands where they grip the steering wheel.

He is pining, ok? Which isn't a joke on the pine shampoo. It's a statement of truth and one Thomas has realized maybe a bit too late. He wonders if the theft of the sweater has been noticed already or at all. Maybe he could get away with it: not having to explain he woke up one day and realized he's an idiot and he's been in love for 20 years or so.

_

The sweater gets packed into his suitcase then gets moved out of his suitcase and into his carry on and then somehow ends up on his person. The flight to Qatar is 10 hours long and the plane is cold, that's the only reason why. He can get away with it, he thinks. The sweater is plain, no logos or brands, nothing that would give away it doesn't belong to a Bayern player. Sure it's black and way too big but it's not bright yellow and he can always say he nicked it from Manu if somebody asks. He snuggles into it on the plane, warm and comfortable. It’s not the same as getting a hug but it’s the closest he’s going to get now, a continent and a sea away.  

_

To others, what he is doing would be cruel. Maybe it is. Thomas is not cruel, he is just an idiot. It’s Marco Reus who opens the door on the second ring, looking about as good as Thomas is feeling. Which is shit. Thomas would have taken him to Qatar over Mario but he can't quite say that and not make it worse so he shuts up. 

"Well" - Marco says as a greeting  - "That was a shitshow of a World Cup."

"At least you didn't miss much?" - Thomas says because even at 34 it’s too much of an ask for him to have mastered the art of not completely putting his foot in his mouth. If Marco punches him, it would be fair.  Instead Marco cheers him with his mug of coffee and yells up the stairs "Mats, it's for you!" before disappearing back inside the house, leaving Thomas to deal with himself.

Thomas is not cruel but he is an idiot. The kindness grates on him, scrapes him raw just that tiny bit more as to make it insufferable, like a carpet burn or a nettle sting. It picks at the scab of something unresolved, darkly jealous and selfish, because Mats is here, Mats didn’t stay. It twists guilt at the bottom of Thomas’ stomach - how can he reproach Marco anything? Thomas is the one who has run here like a child with a broken toy after just one international setback when Marco doesn’t have enough toes and fingers to count the times the Universe hated him.

But Thomas has wound himself tight, so tight, it’s really not about football anymore, it’s…

“Mull?” - Mats asks, shaking him softly. Thomas looks up at him and feels himself wobble. He’s wearing sweatpants and a pj t-shirt in the December cold, his hair sticking up in unruly curls and he looks concerned, like he’s probably called to Thomas already, which it’s totally possible because Thomas has not even heard him come down the stairs, which…. Mats gives really good hugs. He's shorter than Manu, less soft, and God - not that Thomas is complaining about Manu's hugs, mind you -  but there's something about being able to sink into Mats, to press his forehead against his chest, into a soft t-shirt that smells like pine that just makes him feel at home. He's always joked that Thomas is like a puppy, a ball of energy with nowhere to go, but here in Mats' arms he can finally still. Thomas slips both arms around Mats’ waist and holds on. 

-

Thomas is an idiot but he was blind. First it was Manu, then it was Robert and somehow it all got tangled together and Thomas got lost. Books and songs speak of love like butterflies, fluttering in your belly and upturning your world. But with Mats, it had always been easy, so easy that it had occurred to him only with a 20 years delay that love never needed to be fireworks because it was never meant to explode, it was never meant to burn either of them. It was meant to be the safety of clinging to someone like a koala, the laughs at being dropped on a couch like a sack of potatoes, the thousand kisses it takes to make Mats believe he is not being cruel, he is not going to regret it tomorrow, he is not rebounding from anything. Love was always meant to be the warmth of a well-worn sweater that smells of pine, with the cuffs rolled up so they don’t fall on your hands, and the chance to steal many more, for many years to come.

[tmnt-mags]

Raphael x Fem!Reader

Reader is April's little sister and meets the turtles through her. I changed the ages and timeline a bit just because I don't feel entirely comfortable writing the turtles as 15 year old kids. SO the turtles are 18 the reader is 17 nearing 18 and april is 27.

Warnings: some mention of parent death, but nothing else!

Part 1/ ??

Im still pretty new at writing fanfic and have only done a few and this is my very first tmnt one. Constructive criticism and nice things only please!

I didn't remember my dad. My mother gave birth to me a month before his death. I didn’t remember him but my big sister April did. She told me everything she could about him, all kinds of stories and old home videos. It's almost like I know him but I don’t. Sometimes it's sad and I wish for nothing more than to have some memories with him, but I’ve had a good life and have a great family. I’ve lived with my sister since our mom passed 2 years ago from cancer. I miss her a lot, but I like living with April and I love our apartment.

We both have a deep love for media. She is a reporter with Channel 6 and I started making youtube videos right around the time mom died. It was like a video diary back then and has since turned into something completely different, though there are the occasional personal diary type videos.

I was wearing my favorite oversized sweater. It was a deep forest green and nearly reached my knees. It was worn and a bit tattered in some places, but it was the coziest thing ever.. I was barefoot in the kitchen listening to April talking about the latest Foot Clan activity and thinking about the questions she was planning for some guy who worked on the docks. She had convinced her camera guy Vern to take her over there before they shot her morning segment.

“You’re gonna be late!” I called into the living room while putting some breakfastt in a container for her to take on the road.

“Thank you shorty,” She rushed in and gave me a kiss on the cheek as she grabbed her breakfast and rushed out of the kitchen again to grab her bag “I’ll either be back for dinner or late!”

“That's really specific April,” I mutter as a lean in the kitchen doorway and watch her check her purse. “Do you have your touchup bag and your toothbrush?”

April let out a small gasp and rushed back to the bathroom. She came back out with a bag, gathered her things and blew a kiss as she ran out the door. I let out a laugh and went to eat my own food.

I spent the day editing a new video. I just hit 700k last week so I was making a special video to celebrate. It had some songs that I had covered laid over a video of me painting a portrait of my mother and father. It was taken a year before he had died and they had gone on a weekend getaway in the Appalachian mountains.

I didn't look up until April burst through the door. It was already dark out and I hadn’t even noticed.

“I just witnessed a Foot Clan attack!” she called as she walked through the apartment.

“What? Oh my god! Are you okay?” I practically jumped up and followed her as she began pacing around the living room. “April? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine! There I was at the docks trying to get some answers and then BAM! They were there!” She went on about the attack and then started about some kind of vigilante that fought them off.

“Vigilante? Are you serious?” She didn't answer, she just went into her room. I sat back down on the couch and tried to process what she had said. In the end I shook it off and went get some dinner ready.

Over the next few days April was hard to find. She seemed to be constantly on the move and didn't answer her phone. She came home talking about dad's old experiments and giant turtles, and over the next 2 days seemed to just be gone. The spire on the Sacks building fell and The Shredder, who was the leader of the Foot Clan, was arrested and Eric Sacks was revealed to have been working alongside him the whole time. It was a wild time for New York, and April was suddenly quiet about the vigilantes.

Time began to move on and April started talking about these 4 new friends she had that were brothers. They seemed like a fun nice group, and the stories she shared were great.

“So,” I started as we sat together on the couch, “when do I get to meet the brothers?”

April choked on her glass of white wine. “What? Meet them?”

“Yeah, You talk about them all the time! I would like to meet them. They’re all you’ve been talking about for like 3 weeks.” I said as I pushed her with my foot.

“Ummm,” April stopped to think and had a vague look of concern on her face, “I'm not sure actually. They’re pretty busy guys.”

I narrowed my eyes at her. “Uh-huh. If you don't want me to meet them just say so. I was just curious.” I turn my face away from her.

“No it's not that, It's just they’re kinda shy. They don’t really like meeting people.” April's face said that she was telling a lie.

“Okay.” I left it at that clearly something is bugging her about me meeting her friends.

April-

April went to spend some time with the boys, but couldn’t stop thinking about them meeting her little sister. How would she react? She thought to herself, ‘I fainted when I met them, and there are still times when it kinda freaks me out a bit. I don’t want my baby sister to get scared and I don’t want the boys to get hurt because of it.’ They had tried to act like April’s reaction didn’t hurt them, but she knew it did. ‘I just want everyone to be happy.’ She was sitting in the lair watching the boys fight and Mikey brought up their Christmas pop album again. She smiled, (y/n) loved music and often performed covers on YouTube. She was really good at it. She had even written her own songs but at this point refused to release or talk about them on her channel.

“April, is something troubling you?” The brunette turned, surprised to see Master Splinter.

“Oh it’s nothing really.” She paused, “Actually could we talk? I am having some trouble.” Splinter nodded and gestured for her to follow. Not answering the questioning looks of the brothers, they went into Hashi.

“The boys avoid this room as much as possible,” Splinter said with a chuckle, “they will not listen in in here.”

“Makes sense,” April laughed and sat down on a mat with Splinter while looking at the odd structures in the room, “I’m having some trouble with my sister.”

“Oh yes, little (y/n) she had only just been born. I believe your father brought her down to the lab twice in those last weeks.” He thought back fondly on the small soft baby that looked so tiny in the arms of her father but so big compared to him then. “ what is it that is wrong?”

“She wants to meet the brothers. She doesn’t know that they are turtles, but she knows I have new friends.” April said looking down, “ we are very open. We’re the only family we have left so we always know each other's friends. It’s a safety thing I guess.”

Master Splinter hummed and looked at April, who continued.

“She wants to meet them and honestly I want her to too! I think they would all get along so well and I think the boys would adore her. It would also be nice to know that there are 4 ninjas who would look out for her.” April sighed and looked up at the ceiling.

“I just don’t want the boys to get hurt. What if she is afraid of them? What if she screams and calls them monsters or freaks? What if she passes out or cries. It would hurt them so much, and I don’t want to see my sister frightened anyway.” April’s shoulders slumped and she lowered her face to look across at Splinter.

“You know your sister well? Do you think she will react this way?” The rat questioned.

“I don’t know. This isn’t exactly a situation that has ever come up before or one I ever thought I would be in.” She played with her fingers in her lap and she watched him stroke his beard.

“I think you know your sister well and know what would be the best course of action.” He smiled, “I think the trouble now will be convincing the boys to risk meeting her. I have no doubt that it will be a split crowd.”

April nodded and gave a kind of exasperated smile. She knew exactly what he was talking about. Mikey and Ralph would agree, Donnie was iffy, but Leo would say no.

“Thank you Splinter. That does actually help. Do you mind if I stay in here a bit longer?” She asked.

“Go ahead child. Take your time.” Splinter got up and left the Hashi.

April sat and thought about what he had said. She thought back to everything she knew about her sister and what she knew of the boys. If her sister could be accepting she knew that they could have a great friendship. The boys were half a year older than her and they didn't know anyone their age. It would be nice for them to have that she thought. She knew Mikey would be super friendly right away, maybe even too friendly. Donnie would be polite but wary at first and a bit excited. Raph would be happy just to meet another person, but Leo would be cold. She feared that he would be distant and unapproachable and she knew her sister well enough to know she wouldn't be able to handle that.

She took her time and eventually rejoined the brothers. She brushed off their questions with a simple: “I needed advice.” She sat down with them as they all talked and joked around. Finally Donnie brought up the perfect opportunity.

“April you're lucky you don't have brothers.” He said as Mikey bombarded him with insane ideas for gadgets.

“Well I don't have any brothers but I do have a baby sister.” The turtles all turned towards her clearly shocked by this news. “She's actually about 4 months from turning 18.”

“Woah Angelcakes, We didn't know you had a lil’ sis. Is she as beautiful as you?” Mikey said while batting his eyes at her.

“I think she is absolutely gorgeous, and she sings and does art. She’s about to be a senior in high school.” April said while leaning closer to mikey. “Shes shorter than me and has curves for days. She used to be on the dance team actually.” April laughed and Mikey threw himself back and fanned himself with his hand.

“Why haven't you mentioned her?” Leo asked.

“You never asked if I had any siblings. She was born a few weeks before my dad died.” April smiled sadly at that “She actually asked if she could meet you.”

The boys seemed to freeze at that, and suddenly all eyes were on her.

“You told about us?”. Raph asked.

“Kinda. I might have left out the part about being ninja turtles, but I told her about my new friends and she wants to meet you guys.” Raph scoffed at her answer.

“So you didn't actually tell her about us.” He almost snapped at her.

“Cool it Raph.” leo warned.

“I don't wanna be looked at like a freak. She won't want to meet us when she sees us.” he stood up and walked off. April looked at the others who all looked like they wanted to disagree and agree with Raph at the same time.

“Sorry angelcakes, I'm sure baby angelcakes is great though.” Mikey shrugged.

April sat in disbelief that they all basically said no. The lair was quiet after that and she left after they ate some dinner.

She got home only to remember her sister was spending the night at her friends house. So she had the place all to herself. She let out a sigh and poured herself a tall glass of wine and sat on the couch thinking about the events of the day. She came up with a plan as she finished her cup and decided that by the end of the week they boys will have met her baby sister. She grabbed her phone and invited the boys to come hang out at her place for once this upcoming weekend. They didn't even ask if her sister would be there.

(Y/N)-

April had gone out to pick up some pizza for a late night dinner. I had school, homework, and some video editing to do and forgot to cook. April came home late and said not to worry about it and would grab some pizza. Her new favorite place didn’t offer delivery so she went to go get it. I decided that a nice hot shower sounded good and went in. I got out as I heard the front door open and close. I made my way to my room about to throw on my favorite green sweater only to remember that It had been washed and was in the dryer. So, I wrapped my towel back around me and opened my door to head out into the living room. I walked out and looked up only to meet with 4 pairs of eyes.

“Oh my bad,” I said, turning to go back to my room only to stop and turn right back around. “Ummmm…” I trailed off not sure what to say as I stared at 4 very large, very green, oddly human like turtles, all while in a bath towel that left most of my left hip exposed.

“Oh hi (y/n). I forgot to mention I had friends coming over.” April said walking into the room. “You might wanna put some clothes on though.”

“Yeah…” I said not able to look away from the very large turtle creatures sitting in the living room.

[mycupoffanfiction]

Dragostea în Cărți

Pietro x Reader Soulmate & Bookshop AU

Title translates to Love in Books.

Summary: The Reader has a notebook that allows her to communicate with her soulmate. Little does she know he’s a lot closer than she thinks and there’s a reason why her heart skips a beat every time she enters her favourite bookshop.

Warnings: None, just fluff.

Word count: Approx 2000

Masterlist

Pietro Week Masterlist

A/N: Hi loves, this one is one of my favourites, I hope you enjoy this little soulmate AU fic. I’d been looking for a Pietro soulmate fic for a while and I can’t seem to find one, so I decided to write one instead 💖

The subtle creak of the wooden door instantly made you feel better and even more so when you were graced with the soft ring of the old brass bell above the door. Closing the door behind you, enjoying the feel of the old mechanism of the handle, you stood on the door mat for a second, letting the rain water drip off you as you rubbed off your boots. It was stormy out, but you hadn’t let that deter you from coming out to your favourite bookshop.

A shiver rushed through you as the soothing warmth of the store greeted you. Taking in a deep breath, the wonderful smell of old pages, leather bindings and antique cloth filled your senses with a hint of a warm, spiced yet sweet smell of tea.

Taking a step into the shop, you heard a familiar mumble and the shuffle of books, a sound you enjoyed more than you liked to admit and you could already feel yourself starting to smile. Your footsteps were perhaps more of a telling sign of who the customer was than the sound of the door opening and closing and Pietro, the owner’s honorary nephew and trusted employee leaned out from the side of the bookshelf he was organising.

Flashing you a lopsided smile, his frown of concentration melting into a soft and dreamy look as he took you in, though you were not much of a sight on a rainy Thursday, dressed in a slightly oversized raincoat, you looked a little flustered from taking a quick jog towards the shop and you visibly shivered from the temperature difference.

“Good afternoon.” He greeted simply, eyes not leaving yours as you stepped further into the store and you returned his smile, probably somewhat goofily. You knew Pietro by name from hearing his uncle talk to him when he was around, though you weren’t sure that he knew yours. You did know however, that he recognised you since you were a regular and you were sure he reserved that dreamy smile just for you, at least you liked to think he did because you never saw him give it to anyone else when they walked into the store.

“Afternoon.” You responded shyly, feeling yourself getting a little nervous under his soft gaze, though it was the good kind of nervousness that sent butterflies through your stomach and a light airy feeling in your chest. When you realised you had held his gaze for a few moments too long, you awkwardly looked away and quickly dove between some bookshelves to begin browsing rather than making a fool of yourself in front of the handsome guy with an accent.

As you lost yourself in the shelves, you remembered someone had given you a list of books to read and you had intended to buy all of them that day if you could find them at your local store. Pulling out the little, well loved pocket notebook that was bound in leather with delicate blue and gold embossing on the corners, you opened it to find the right page.

Inside as you flicked through the pages, it was clear you were not the only author of the notes and inner thoughts. Another handwriting joined yours amongst the pages. It had been years ago that you had discovered the notebook was a shared possession between you and another, a soulmate so to speak. You didn’t know a lot about him, but you knew he was passionate about books and on the last page you’d communicated to each other on was a list of three books he’d told you that you must read at least once in your life.

You scanned the shelves for the books he’d written out so neatly for you. Just to save space in the book, you’d both messily crammed as much writing into each page as physically possible, though you were coming to the end of the book and you were terrified of what would happen if you didn’t at least know who and where he was and another way to contact him, but you were so afraid to ask.

Gripping The Tale of Two Cities in your hands, mentally crossing one book off the list, you ran your fingers over the backs of the books on the shelf, stopping when you touched The Scarlet Letter and added it to the other book, holding them protectively against your chest as you searched for the last one.

As you held your notebook, you felt a gentle pressure beneath your hands and you flicked it open, your soulmate’s writing spilling over onto the last page of the book. It was a quote, though you weren’t sure what from.

Her coming was my hope each day, Her parting was my pain; The chance that did her steps delay Was ice in every vein. –Song sung by Mr. Rochester

I thought you might like that, Prinţesă. He wrote and you smiled at the name he gave you.

You read it over a couple of times, the cryptic nature of it making you think about a deeper meaning to the quote he’d written and your mind could only flick to and from the idea of not knowing one another outside of your notebook.

Fully engrossed in your notebook, rather than paying attention to where you were walking, trying hard to figure out if you had in fact read it somewhere before, you walked straight into the very person you had been trying so hard not to accidentally bump into. You bounced off his soft, woollen sweater clad chest and stumbled back a couple of steps to look up at Pietro, who gave you a concerned look before reaching out to steady you, though hesitant to touch.

“Are you alright?” He asked, concern melting into a sweet smile and you suddenly felt yourself getting warm and rather embarrassed from bumping into him. “Oh god- I’m so sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was going and I-.” You explained haphazardly, but Pietro just smirked and shook his head, raising a hand to stop you. “It’s alright, were you looking for something? Perhaps I can help, yes?” He asked, accent thick and undeniably sexy.

“Yes, yeah I was looking for uh- for Jane Eyre.” You stuttered out a little, hoping you didn’t appear too flustered, but you knew it was rather hopeful to assume he hadn’t noticed quite how shy and bashful you were around him.

Pietro caught a glimpse of the other books you were carrying and quirked a brow, giving you a questioning look. “Jane Eyre.” He repeated, taking another look at the other titles in your hands and then noticing that you held a little notebook in your other hand. “Follow me, I’ll help you find it.” He smiled, gesturing for you to walk alongside him. “It is easy for books to get a little misplaced in here, I always order things but somehow they always end up in strange places.” He huffed. “I have a feeling it is my sister’s doing.” Pietro chuckled, shaking his head.

“I see you here often, you are my regular.” He tossed a glance and a heart stopping grin at you before turning to scour over a shelf to help you find the book you were looking for and you felt yourself melt from his ways of speaking, the accent and the way he looked at you. The fact he called you his regular – you were definitely over thinking this, you had a soulmate and this was just some random guy in a bookshop you frequented.

“Ah, here is Miss Brontë.” He found a few copies of Jane Eyre and picked out the prettiest one with a hard cover, cloth bound and it looked a bit older than the others. “You will enjoy this one, it is a classic romance.” Pietro explained as he handed the book to you. “Thank you for you help, I look forward to reading this one.” You smiled up at him, shyly meeting his eyes.

“Is that all? Come, I can ring up your items.” Pietro held out an arm to guide you across to the counter and you met him at the large, deeply coloured wooden desk where you gently placed down your books, loosing your grip on the notebook and dropping it onto the counter. It landed open on one of the pages you frequented the most and the spine of the book was used to opening on that specific page.

The first words on the page was a sentence you always went back to. It cheered you up on a miserable day and kept you going on days that were tough and gave you an extra boost on those days when you just wanted a little extra sunshine in your day.

I’ll always be here, Prinţesă.

The words were comforting, not to mention it was the first time you’d been called that.

Prinţesă? What does that mean? You had asked.

It is princess in Sokovian, Prinţesă. He replied.

You hoped Pietro had not gained a glimpse at those pages, it made you feel vulnerable that someone else might see them and you hastily scrambled to take your book back. As you rushed, a feather light touch landed on your wrist and you saw the carefully placed hand of the store clerk. Looking up to meet his eyes, you stilled your movements and he smiled sweetly at you. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone about your soulmate book, Prinţesă mea.” He winked and your eyes went wide in realisation.

“Oh my- you’re-.” You cut yourself off, pointing at the notebook as he picked his out of the back pocket of his jeans and slid it across the counter to you as proof. “I am, it’s me prinţesă.” His eyes softened and you relaxed under his touch, sliding your hand back and turning it so you could hold his hand in yours. “The books you picked out were my first clue, as well as the frequency of your visits here, you know soulmates are tightly bound and it would make sense that you are drawn here.” Pietro explained as he let you hold his hand, carefully gripping yours too. “But the killer was you dropping your notebook open.” He chuckled, smirking at you and you felt a swirl of embarrassment, bashfulness and an overwhelming feeling of happiness.

“I was worried I’d never get to know who you were.” You sighed, thinking back to how anxious you had been about it earlier that day. Pietro hummed and nodded. “Perhaps it was meant to happen like this?” He asked a rhetorical question, shrugging.

“Keep me company for ten more minutes and I would love to take you out for a coffee, if you’ll let me? I’d like to get to know you outside of those pages.” Pietro fixed you with a dreamy smile as he leaned forwards on his elbows onto the counter and you stuttered a little before nodding a response. “I’d like that a lot.” You managed to get out, hoping not to sound too flustered. You received an approving grin from Pietro as he reached up to fiddle with his silver hair for a second.

“Are you going to finally tell me your name after all this time?” Pietro asked with a teasing edge to his tone. “I don’t know, maybe I’d like that coffee first.” You teased, making Pietro chuckle in response and he gently lifted your hand in his. “Well, I would like to formally introduce myself, Prinţesă. I am Pietro Maximoff, Sokovian bookshop clerk and soulmate to-.” He prompted, waiting for you to finish and you bit your lip, loving how flirtatious, yet sweet with you he was.

You told him your name over the counter and he kissed your hand so sweetly. He took you out for coffee and told you many things about his life and you about yours. He shared Sokovian with you and before you parted ways, you exchanged ways of contacting one another.

That was the day that Pietro told you that there was love in books in more ways than one and from that day onwards, you looked at romance novels a little differently.

You were glad you had been drawn to that bookshop and you had finally discovered your soulmate all because of the very last page of your notebook.

Pietro Taglist (OPEN):

@valkyriesryde @bisexual---mermaid @sherlocked-bitch @virtualmemmecollector @megantje123 @sebbbystaaan @unknown-and-invisible @scarlett-berserker @yougottakeeponkeepinon @chiefwobblerauthorrebel @kitkatd7 @herwaywardskies @saltywintersoldat @potterssuperhero @mushyjellybeans​ @lancetuckershairgel​ @southernbell91​ @marvelgirl7​ @book-dragon-13​

[extreme-close-up-woooaah]

breakfast club headcanons V

andrew - first things first i think that we can all agree that this man is in fact a jean cuffer, he’s a bi man - he had braces from 7th grade to junior year and gets very embarrassed of  precious old photos of younger him - okay so, i need to elaborate on this boys family life, it’s insane - this boy is brothers with the kid in the police office in ferris buellers day off (his name is garth volbeck) and they have a sister named judy because garth mentions her - yes i did this because they are brothers irl and have different last names irl (but for different reasons)  - and their parents divorced a year before the breakfast club so their mother (a very sweet lady who loves her kids no matter what and respects them, she can also bake and she taught andrew to respect woman) she already moved out into another house in another neighborhood - so andrew lives with his dad sadly, and has a hard time escaping it all, garth is in between everything and judy lives with their mother by choice because of obvious reasons - okay hopefully ya’ll understand that :) - next things next this man (even out of my au) grows up to be a librarian - the story to how that happened is kind of upsetting, i don’t want anyone to feel in any way triggered or upset by this so... T W: don’t read if sensitive to stuff like verbal abuse - after highschool he got into a college for wrestling and did his thing and then after that he got onto the wrestling team his dad coaches - andrew had joined but it had drained him, his mental health was deteriorating to say the least - eventually he started to feel pain in his knee but his father kept pushing him and pushing him until he couldn’t take it anymore - he knee gave out  - i’m not educated enough to say why but all i know is that he couldn’t wrestle anymore and was useless in his fathers eyes - his father said very mean things to him and left him at a telephone booth with very little money, enough to get a burger at a mcdonalds, he called garth - asked him to take him to the hospital, he was shaky on the phone but his brother understood and came to pick him up - the ride was completely silent and understandably so, but andrew ended up crying in the passenger seat, he was kind of cold too  T W over: enjoy the rest :) - uh soooo ONCE AGAIN i am NOT educated enough to say what happened to his knee but he ended up having some chronic knee thing and it was only going to get worse and he needed a knee brace for it  - he ends up staying at garth and his boyfriends house (sorry to anyone who thinks brian should just be on his own, me and my bf ship brian and garth like a couple of dorks U-U so please do ignore it if you don’t like it or think of them as roommates :>)  - he ended up getting a job at the local library and he was pretty good at it, this library in particular was very safe and a tame - perfect, so he ended up getting the money from it and a small loan from his brother and getting his own apartment eventually  - he built his life back up and he’d end up in a comfortable house with a cat and perhaps a husband or wife A H E M bENDer - okay now on to the good stuff, lead your mind back to kindergarten - when he was younger he liked the colors pink and purple and he likes blue omg bi pride  but he ended up getting scolded for it from his dad so he vowed his whole life to hate those three things because he thought this was the normal way to live - which would explain why he’d say he hates cats but then meet one or even own one and get crazy attached to it and even name it - him and his brother wrestled around a lot but when it came to their sister they’d never hurt her, she (age: 3) was BRUTAL to them, they all look back and laugh on it later - he’s a middle child but oddly he crushes the idea of middle child syndrome because he gets too much unwanted attention from his dad, garth is two years older, his sister is three years under - in middle school he was kinda awkward and even in highschool wasn’t the most popular kid, he was good at wrestling and considered to be the best of them but girls liked the louder ones better, he’s kind of quiet - he’s got “terrible taste” in clothes according to the entirety of the breakfast club, he dresses like an old man when he’s older, but like an ancient man like me  like full on plaid pants blue shirt tan cardigan kinda thingy - when he’s younger he stays sporty on days where he has a meet but some days my man wears a yucky polo and plaid pants and a big belt once again some ugly old man stuff that i’d wear - he’s a door mat, push over, he cannot say no and that’s one of his main issues NOT PROJECTION but like me 😎 - he’s extremely polite and tries his best at being nice and respectful toward everyone but when it comes to standing up for himself in particular against people who aren’t specifically bender, he’s lost and kinda just ignores it and lets it happen - bender finally gets him to snap cause andrew wouldn’t let anyone hurt his friends or even just a person in general - he’s a little on edge for the rest of his time in detention - ya’ll okay sorry bout this, but the breakfast club is just a group of stuffed animal hoarders, he’s got a regular old teddy bear at his MOMS house so it’s safe :) - lil spoon  - cozy man wears sweaters - OH he’s super short, not a headcanon, HECK its not projection, i just enjoy the fact that he’s short and blonde like meee :} lets appreciate the tiny boy shall we? - his letterman is a size too big because he was told he’d grow into it, he is cozy - he’s at his happiest when he’s a. with his friends b. on a chair with a cat or c. outside in autumn time  - bender makes andrew a small angry bi whenever he’s around, andrew has a lot of pent up anger and he’s a little uptight and bender shakes him loose and gets him annoyed and then continues to baby voice him about how much he loves him in a funny sorta way, mostly when they were younger - andy and allison are super close and tell each other almost everything, they have coffee together and talk about how everything is every now and then, more often when they’re older - benders strong so he’ll give everyone piggy backs, usually he surprise attacks andy tho and picks him up, or if they walk home all together after school, whoevers tired, if its andrew he’ll be gentle in that circumstance - brian and andrew like books, one grows up to be an author and the other a librarian, and once andy discovers his book in his library he smiles and checks it out to read - claire and andy are closer when they’re older, they talk about their shared experiences as a kid and how they ended up where they are and they talk about how lucky they are compared to others - when they were younger claire used to try and show the boys style, bender is already a fashionista but claire picks out some cool ties for him with wacky designs on them, he wears those to work when he’s older - brian enjoys it but only to buy a pair of new shoes, perhaps some loafers and a cool button up - claire has to pick out clothes for andy because andy doesn’t know what he likes quite yet, claire ends up teaching him how to cuff his jeans and :)))))) okay i’ll stop - around christmas, andrew gets the worst gifts, he tries so so hard but he can never seem to get it right, bender gets a kick out of it :}  - in the au they have a cat named mr.ravioli because bender made raviolis and the cat began to feast on them without them knowing so they decided that’d be his name i’ll stop here but it’s not the last part of this series of headcanons, i will write more, some future ones being for all of them together, and then a fbdo bttf pretty in pink cross over where all the cool kidz hang together!! sorry this was so long ;<; i didn’t mean to absolutely pour out my heart but i love andrew and he deserves some headcanons :} i hope their not too bad ;w;

[elareine]

In the shallows

Chapters: 1/6 Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, some swearing Relationships: Dick Grayson/Jason Todd Characters: Tim Drake, Donna Troy Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Celebrity, NO CAPES, Identity Porn, Romantic Comedy, Drama & Romance, Texting, Online Dating AO3: /18803473

Summary: Jason Todd is a rock star... and an asshole. Dick Grayson has to do a movie with him. Luckily, there's this cute guy he's started texting recently.

Jason Todd was a rock star.

Yeah, exactly. Now, Dick had worked with some… less than talented people on set before. He’d made his debut in dance movies, for God’s sake, of course not everyone had been ready to play Hamlet.

But a total newbie? Never been on stage or on a movie set before? Dick really wished the producers had consulted him about that before making the decision. They hadn’t even done a chemistry test.  

Okay, sure, it was a blockbuster movie about an interracial gay couple. Funding wouldn’t come easy. If the names ‘Richard Grayson’ and ‘Jason Todd’ had to be attached to make the money happen, they would be. And Dick knew Tim Drake, the executive producer, well enough to trust him with this. Tim wouldn’t have cast Jason if he thought it’d be a total shit show.

The thing was - the script was beautiful. The writers had really poured their hearts into it, and it showed. Dick had almost forgotten to read it from an actor’s perspective, he’d been so engrossed. By the end, blinking away tears, he had texted his agent that he would do it before going on a run to shake some of the heaviness away.

It wasn’t like there was a sad ending, exactly. Dick wouldn’t have taken anything with a ‘bury your gays’ feel to it. It was just… it made him feel a lot, this script.

He wanted to do it justice. Hopefully, Jason Todd wouldn’t be the one to drag them all down.

Dick sighed and looked at the script in front of him again. Specifically, at the part marked: ‘Vano: [singing]…’

The other worry he had was quite the opposite from his first. At least Jason Todd didn’t have to worry about singing. Dick had heard his songs as much as anyone could without actively seeking them out, which was to say all the time and everywhere. Jason had been around for years at this point; it didn’t seem likely that his popularity would be abating any time soon.

(When he wasn’t busy critiquing Jason’s casting, Dick could freely admit that his songs were pretty great. They always gave him that on-the-road-looking-for-freedom feeling that he loved. He might be following Jason on Spotify, even, but shush.)

Dick, however… well. He’d been taking singing lessons ever since he’d moved into closer consideration for this role. His vocal coach attested him with enough skills for the songs he’d seen so far. He’d gotten the accent of his character down to pat, too, even when singing and screaming. Still, compared to Jason Todd…

And they would be singing duets.

Giving up on his concentration for the evening, Dick decided to just go for a run. He was already pretty sure he wouldn’t sleep tonight, but exhaustion might help.

It didn’t really. Dick slept like shit and then had to deal with the worst traffic he’d ever seen (and he’d lived in New York for years). He barely made it in time. Tim was already waiting for him outside the lot. That was a sure sign he was getting ready to herd Dick exactly where he needed to be as quickly as possible.

Tim greeted him with a friendly wave. “Hi, Dick, welcome on set! Kate is over at the sound studio, but she’ll be here any minute to start the read-through.”

“Thanks, Tim. Good to see you.” Dick refrained from hugging him only because he knew the younger man preferred it that way on set. “Sorry, I wanted to be here early. I seriously underestimated LA traffic.”

“Yes, I expected that. Just plan in enough time from now on, okay?”

“Of course, Tim.”

Tim sighed. “We’ll see, I guess.”

They entered the building together. Tim guided him towards a smaller meeting room. Jason Todd was already there, sitting in the small circle of chairs. There would be a full cast reading tomorrow; today it was pretty much only Kate, Jason and Dick with the producers.

Dick’s first thought was that he hadn’t expected Jason to look so… soft. He was used to the torn jeans and t-shirt look he rocked in his videos. The knitted sweater he was wearing didn’t exactly fit that image.

The smirk on his face, however, did.

Dick mentally steeled himself. Here we go. He held out his hand. “Hi, Jason. Nice to finally meet you.”

“Hi, Dick.” Jason’s handshake was firm without being too crushing. “Sorry we couldn’t meet up before. I’m pretty literally just coming back from a World Tour.”

Oh, great. Bragging.

“No worries. It’s good to get this started now.” He looked pointedly at the script in Jason’s hand. If Jason had just been on a world tour… “Did you get any time to prepare?”

“I’ll know my lines if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“It’s kind of about more than that.” Okay, that came out catty. “Like, the music, for example.”

Jason seemed to perk up at that. “Oh, yeah, that’s done. I did send the tapes of some suggestions to Kate. But we’ll workshop together, see what you think first.”

Dick would’ve preferred it if Jason had just presented him with finished sheet music and a tape he could imitate, honestly. He had no idea if he had any musical input to offer. And how did you workshop music, anyway? He’d done that with scenes before (though Kate wasn’t the type to welcome a lot of input from her actors beforehand), even settings, but music?

“Sure. Yeah. Let’s do that.” He tried to smile. “I’m looking forward to hearing what you came up with.”  

It was probably a good thing Kate entered the room at that moment, introducing herself again and bidding them to start the read-through.

Dick usually lost himself in a performance pretty easily. Even in a read-through, it only meant that he focused even more on letting every emotion shine through his voice.

Vano was pretty unlike Dick himself. Sensitive, shy, in desperate need of approval (okay, that one Dick could relate to) and unsure. Dick found it interesting how his character was juxtaposed with his actions. Vano was so, so afraid; yet he let himself be swept up in a whirlwind romance and even ended up the one pursuing Jason’s character when everything seemed to fall apart. His courage, in the end, was as quiet as it was present. Dick was determined to do him right.

So he concentrated on developing his voice further. He wanted it to be recognisably different from Jason’s character, but also harmonious.

Still, he couldn’t help but judge Jason’s performance.

He wasn’t bad. Honestly, this wasn’t a great script for a read-through - a lot of stuff went unsaid between the two main characters. So a little wooden-ness was expected. Dick was a bit annoyed at the way he stumbled over lines sometimes as if he was reading them for the first time, though. Unprepared partners were the worst.

Afterwards, Kate didn’t look happy. Her first critique was voluminous, including more background notes on their characters and a very detailed rundown of what had sucked about their dialogue. Ah, well. Dick didn’t mind. She wasn’t known to be a coddler.

She complimented Dick on his excellent accent, though. He thought Jason (who spoke in his own accent, or at least the one he always used in interviews and stuff) looked a bit sour at that, which pissed Dick off. He’d worked hard for this, okay. He was actually a trained and studied actor, despite what some people might think.

It also made him wary of the months ahead. Jealousy on set wasn’t cool, even if it was purely professional.

“Tomorrow we’ll go through the script scene by scene and talk through your suggestions. Is there anything fundamental you’d like to say now?” Kate asked.

Dick shook his head. This was honestly one of the best scripts he’d ever read, and he trusted her direction fully. Jason seemed to hesitate, but then he followed suit.  

Dick spent some time after talking with some of the crew members that were setting up the sets. He knew some of them from previous movie sets - Tim liked to reward good work with more, better-paid work - and was glad to chit-chat about their careers and families.

Still, Jason seemed to take his time, too. They arrived at the parking lot at about the same time.

“Can I give you a ride?” Dick offered when he noted that Jason was looking a bit lost.

“I’m actually here on my bike,” Jason said, pointing at a frankly gorgeous machine, black, sleek and utterly pretentious.

Dick mentally snorted. Of course he was. Rock star and all that

His own family sized van didn’t match up to that, but honestly, who cared.

“Okay. See you tomorrow, then.”

Jason didn’t even say goodbye, just waved. Dick was tired of him already.

When he entered the house he’d rented for the year, Dick headed straight for his studio and dropped down onto the mat. He needed a proper stretching after today and couldn’t quite face this house yet.

Mostly he was happy with it. It was spacious, including his own dance studio and a pool, and not too far away from the Wayne Brothers lot, but he was able to keep it up without no personnel beyond a cleaner and the occasional garden hand.

Days like these, it was a bit… lonely.

He would have been better off staying with his friend Donna Troy. She’d offered, after all. Dick had thought he would need some quiet to focus on this part, not to mention a room where he could practice his singing parts without annoying the shit out of everyone.

It was just that he wasn’t made for the quiet. His head got too loud when he wasn’t exercising. Usually, he filled that space by concentrating on his current role; he wasn’t precisely method but slipping into someone else’s headspace had always come easy to him. Today, though, that was exactly what he wanted to get away from.

He briefly toyed with the idea of going out and picking someone up. Getting laid worked better than pretty much anything else for him.

Except that wasn’t exactly what he wanted, either.  

Look. It wasn’t as if Dick had problems meeting people. The opposite, really. Dick knew he had a good body, okay, and he was charming enough.

He wanted something else, though. He wanted to get to know someone without them already knowing (or thinking they knew) everything about him. He wanted to be sure someone actually liked him for himself. He wanted someone to call in the evenings when he came home from set. Someone to come home to.

Dick sighed and re-arranged his limbs into a backstretch.

People wished for this kind of things all the time. He was just being silly. His mother would’ve straight up laughed at him if he went to her complaining about the drawbacks of fame, a profession he loved and obscene amounts of money.

Dropping his hips open and leaning into that delicious burn, he took out his phone and texted Donna: Going out and getting laid, yes or no? Any bar tips?

The answer was immediate.

Donna: Honey just use tinder like the rest of us

 …Why not.

 Donna: That was a joke.

 Donna: But go ahead I guess.

Thinking about it, Dick finished his routine and headed upstairs to change into some comfy sweats, then back down to the kitchen. A bowl of cereal wasn’t exactly a glamorous meal for a movie star - but neither were Dick’s cooking skills.

Grabbing a beer, he plopped down on his couch and gave in. At least the tinder app was free on the app store. Going through the set-up motions, he hit the next snag, though.

What do I use as a profile picture??? I can’t show my face on this, can I?

Donna: Use your abs

Donna: no wait

Donna: Your butt

Donna: Or maybe that’s too recognisable. Abs it is.

Dick chuckled.

  …Thanks I think.

For a second he considered just cutting something out of a promo pic or one of his dozens of semi-nude photoshoots, but who the fuck knew how well Google would be able to match these up. Dick wasn’t going to risk the headline ‘Actor famous for starring in romances is looking for hook-up on tinder’ (though of course TMZ would be far pithier than that) just for his vanity.

Though he did find some shots that hadn’t ever been released and cropped his face out of one of these. That would do. As for his username… he went with the hero of the first movie he’d ever starred in and combined that with his year of birth once the system informed him the name was taken.

After a brief hesitation, he set his sexual preferences to ‘all genders’.

Finally, everything was set up. Dick settled down to check out some hot singles in his area.

Sadly, the selection wasn’t that great. Especially with the dudes. Dick was sure that about half of them were either a decade older or younger than they pretended to be. The women were clearly better at taking selfies, too.  

It was possibly the wrong time to be picky. Dick wasn’t usually - a good smile was pretty much all it took on a good day. But hey, he had just spent the day in the company of the hottest rock star the 21st century had produced so far. Every mortal would have difficulty competing with that.

(Not with Jason’s personality though. Easily bottom 20% material there. Urgh. Dick was trying to forget about that.)

After that thought, he swiped right a few times. So far, no one had matched with him, but that was fine. He had just signed up, after all.

Then, finally, came a pic that stood out.

Funnily enough, this profile pic was as profile-less as Dick’s. All it showed was a bare back. It was mirror shot, probably, but with none of the glariness of the other pictures. The guy’s skin was almost as tanned as Dick’s, but what caught his eyes was the sheer endless mass of muscles it stretched across.

Dick swiped right.

A message appeared on the screen. ‘You matched with Rock_n_Rumble, 29’.

He switched apps and texted Donna again: There’s a cute guy! We matched! But I can’t just go meet up with him, can I? Wally would kill me

Donna: you genuinely just thought of that???

Yes^^’

Donna: Stop trying to make manga emojis happen again, Dick

Donna: Just… talk to him, flirt a bit; maybe it’ll be ok

Donna: This is    LA after all

Donna: Or he’ll just send you a dick pic

Donna: I do not want to know if either of these possibilities occurs.

I will describe everything that happens in explicit, excruciating detail.  

Dick switched back to tinder and pressed ‘OK’. A chatroom opened. He stared at the entry field for a long second, pondering how to start the conversation. He’d never felt the need for chat up lines before. Honesty and friendliness had always worked best for him. Hopefully, that would translate over into the Internet.

Nightwing86: Hi

Rock_n_Rumble: Hi.

This was where Dick would usually make a comment about the venue they were at or the way the other person looked, but… how did you compliment someone’s bare back without sounding like a total creep?

As he watched the seconds tick by without either of them writing anything, he realised that oh. Rock_n_Rumble wasn’t exactly in a better situation. Oh well, there was nothing for it then.

Nightwing86:  With a body like that - what on Earth are you doing on this site?

Rock_n_Rumble: Shouldn’t I ask you the same thing?

Rock_n_Rumble: Musician, ex-addict, grew up in New York - and also shit at flirting, in case you didn’t notice. Should I continue with that list? 

Nightwing86: Eh, you’re doing fine.

He was. Dick kinda dug the self-deprecating sarcasm. And at least he had something to work with now.

Nightwing86: Musician?

Rock_n_Rumble: I’m a guitarist

Nightwing86: Oh, you’re in a band?

Rock_n_Rumble: Kind of

Rock_n_Rumble: Nothing fixed, but I go on tour a lot. Weird staying in one place for work right now

He must be recording an album then. Considering that good guitarists in LA were like sand at a beach, Dick mentally re-evaluated the fame level of his conversation partner.

Nightwing86: I get that; I travel for work a lot too  

Rock_n_Rumble: What do you do?

Dick considered lying, but honestly, what was the point? And anyway, they were in LA. There were thousands of people calling themselves actors here.

Nightwing86: I’m an actor.

Rock_n_Rumble: oh cool. Film or theatre?  

Nightwing86: Mostly film these days. Was up on stage in NY for a bit, kinda miss it.  

Rock_n_Rumble: Oh really? When? Might’ve seen you, I went to Broadway a lot once I could afford it.

Nightwing86: its been a while, 2004-2006

That information wouldn’t give him away. Again, tons of people tried to make it on Broadway. Still, maybe he should address the fact that he wasn’t ready to talk about who he was.

Rock_n_Rumble: So I notice neither of us is forthcoming about names and identifying information.  

Rock_n_Rumble: Proposal: We stay anonymous for now, see how we get along, decide if we want to actually meet up later.

Nightwing86: oh thank god

Nightwing86: yeah, that would be great. I don’t like lying, but coming out to a stranger isn’t…

Rock_n_Rumble: same. Like, I’m technically out, but with the industry being what it is, the gossip isn’t fun.

Nightwing86: How does being ‘technically out’ work? All I ever get is ‘if you so much as breathe into the direction of someone who isn’t a cis woman we’ll kill you’

Rock_n_Rumble: It’s called ‘being a shit liar’.

Rock_n_Rumble: Also contrary enough that management knows that my reaction to being told that would probably result in me sucking a dick on stage.

Dick laughed.  

Nightwing86: Now that is a mental image to take to bed with.

Rock_n_Rumble: I like that we’ve been chatting for ten minutes and I’ve already got a kink noted down.  

Nightwing86: You remember you’re talking to an actor, right? Pretty sure we’re 85% exhibitionists.

Rock_n_Rumble: …okay, that’s a fair point.

Rock_n_Rumble: Still noting it down, though.

Nightwing86: Please tell me you’re not literally doing that.

Rock_n_Rumble: Maybe.

Rock_n_Rumble: Look, you want to exchange numbers? I’m not going to stay on this platform, I think.

Nightwing86: Aww, am I enough for you?

Nightwing86: 344-394-2222. Do me a favour and don’t pass that on.

Rock_n_Rumble: Promise. I’ll text you, just one sec.

Barely a few seconds later, a WhatsApp message popped up: Hi it’s Rock_n_Rumble. Thought this might work out better than text if you’re travelling a lot, too.

After some consideration, Dick saved the contact as ‘R_n_R’. The consideration was mostly about adding a butt or shoulder emoji to it, but he decided to be classy instead.

Out of curiosity, he checked out the WhatsApp profile of the other guy. Sadly, the pic was of a bright red guitar. His own was of the bird plushie that had accompanied him through his childhood and ever since, though, so he probably shouldn’t complain.

Hi again. Good thinking.

R_n_R: Oh good, it’s you and not someone completely unsuspecting.

R_n_R: So what are you up to? Apart from tindering, obviously.

Trying to decide if I want to watch something. Any Netflix recs?

Dick later mentally congratulated himself, because that question started a conversation that lasted for at least half an hour. Their taste didn’t seem too different, though Dick kinda had to snort when R_n_R recommended some of his own movies to him. In the end, they settled on ‘Luther’, because Idris Elba and murder. How exactly ‘recommend me a movie’ had turned into ‘let’s watch this series at the same time and shoot the shit over text’, Dick wasn’t sure, but it was pretty fun.

So fun, actually, that it took a text from Donna to remind him how much time had passed.

Donna: So how was it? Don’t leave me hanging, bird-boy.

I’m getting rid of tinder. All I got were three dick pics and two girls accusing me of catfishing them using Dick Grayson’s photos. Another girl explained to me that headless pics usually mean someone is married or in a relationship and doesn’t want their significant other to see. She called me an asshole for that, that’s why she even swiped right. Then she blocked me.

And if Dick was honest… he kinda liked the thought of trying this with Rock_n_Rumble, and Rock_n_Rumble only. The first person he’d talked to on there. The only one he connected to, even if only on a superficial level so far.

(Yes, he had screenshotted and saved that picture. Whatever.)

Donna: One gender clearly came out ahead in this.

And the cute guy is still chatting with me. We’re keeping it anon for now though. It’s been an hour and no sex talk, so I guess he’s legit.

Donna: facepalm Dick, do you ever consider your life might’ve turned into a romantic comedy?

We’re just talking.

Donna: Right. Well, I’ll leave you to do that. Good night, Dick. Have fun.

[itsclydebitches]

Can we please have more of Uncle Oz? That prompt was beautiful and my little heart needs more. Specifically why Oz slept on the couch before as Yang mention it has happened in the past. *puppy eyes*

Okay, okay, I’m an IDIOT who doesn’t remember her own writing. Because my fool brain ended up writing about Qrow sleeping on the couch instead, for undetermined reasons. Will I ever successfully answer a prompt? Will Qrow and Oz ever end up in the same drabble together again? Stay tuned to find out! 

(Prompt list is here) 

Tai took two steps into Ozpin’s latest apartment, saw the quilt lying haphazardly over the couch, and had the distinct urge to walk back out again.

“What did he do this time?” he sighed.

Ozpin’s lips thinned. He cast his own look at the messy pile of pillow and blankets, seeming to project an unwarranted amount of disdain at the poor, innocent fabrics. They wouldn’t be the first inanimate objects to take the brunt of Ozpin’s emotions. In lieu of people—and very much to their benefit—Ozpin tended to take his rare anger out on the trees of Forever Fall Forest; the occasional dish that gave a satisfying shatter. Those moments truly were rare though. More often than not Tai simply found piles of methodically torn up paper on Ozpin’s desk.

Right now the sleeve of his sweater was slowly coming undone, the loose thread rolled, rolled, rolled between two fingers. Yep.

“Don’t even try it,” Tai said, gesturing at the weak smile Ozpin had just conjured out of will alone. “If you tell me not to worry, say it’s nothing, or worse, start going on about how I came here for a nice visit? I will take this umbrella and shove it straight up your ass.”

“Hardly the best way to start our evening together.” This time the twitch of his lips was genuine. Ozpin swept aside to let Tai through, arm falling in a graceful arc to indicate the umbrella stand and a small mat for his shoes. “Truly though, you didn’t come here to—”

“Finish that sentence, Oz. I dare you.” Tai shook the umbrella and a thousand water droplets scattered across the floor.

“Oh for dust’s sake. You’re as stubborn as he is,” and with a huff Ozpin turned on his heel and headed back towards the kitchen.

Hmm. That didn’t bode well.

A lack of reprimand for getting water all over his entryway? Check.

Insulting his guest—because yes, any comparison to Qrow was an automatic insult in this family—right when they’d arrived? Check.

Visible frustration, petulant attitude, further faux pas by abandoning Tai to his own devices? Check, check, check. Tai cast a longing look at the door and kicked off his shoes.

“Formal announcement,” he said, wandering into the kitchen to find Oz slamming milk onto the counter. “I would like to remind everyone here,” Tai gestured to an invisible audience, “that I am not even related to you. Not technically. Not since I dumped Raven’s fine ass. And yet here I am, the best of fake brother in laws, here to be your shoulder to cry on. Metaphorically. Because I just bought this shirt and I’m not prepared to find out what two-thousand year old tears might do to it.”

The look Ozpin cast him could have melted iron. “Are you going to be like this all night?”

“Until you tell me what happened? Absolutely.”

“Very well. That shirt is horrendous though. By the way.”

“Thank you. Wore it special for this visit. Oh, extra marshmallows in mine. Don’t be stingy, old man.”

Ozpin agreed with a roll of his eyes, plopping said marshmallows into two mugs as the milk began to steam. He’d said once that only fools put the marshmallows in last. Pouring cocoa over them ensured the perfect, almost-melted-but-not-quite consistency for scooping up with a spoon. Tai had said he was crazy and had said spoon chucked at his head.

The cocoa was very good though.

“I can hear it buzzing,” Tai said, taking a seat at the counter. With speed worthy of a huntsmen Oz had his scroll out and tucked away in a drawer. Neither he nor Qrow had much time to cook, so their kitchen had the sort of aesthetic perfection usually only found in domestic magazines. Tai ran his finger over the absurdly clean marble top, tracing a line from mug to salt shaker. “You ever going to answer him?”

Ozpin pulled up a stool directly beside Tai, their knees now pressed together. Need for physical contact? Check.

“My silence is answer enough.”

“Oz.”

“He—”

Ozpin cut himself off and all at once the wind went right out of Tai’s sails. Oh. No more jabs or check-lists then. That expression wasn’t something to trifle with. He…

Well. Let’s just say the last time Ozpin looked like that he’d had the name ‘Summer’ on his lips. Dejection of that sort—pulling at an intrinsically optimistic nature—only ever meant someone’s death.

The mug of cocoa slammed down on the counter. “Qrow’s dead?”

“Tai.”

“Right, right, sorry. Stupid, knee-jerk question. So he…?”

“Almost died, yes.” Ozpin delivered the news without a trace of emotion. Not to the casual observer, at least. “Of course, he’d never admit as much to himself. Let alone to me. Oh no, the man will go to his grave—literally!—insisting that he’s never made an impulsive decision in his life. Not on the battlefield, anyhow.” His own mug was snatched up and half the chocolate poured down his throat. “I married a fool.”

Been there, Tai almost said, but bit his lip at just the last moment. Right. Serious conversation now. It was just hard when he could so clearly see the picture spread out before him. He hadn’t visited last week because Qrow and Oz were out on a mission, the sort of thing that wasn’t secret exactly, but played close between them for Tai’s own peace of mind. They had to have encountered grimm because Ozpin would have been on a warpath if any humans or faunus had gotten between them. So maybe Qrow took on too many. Or, as Oz said, played the over confident fool. Maybe he was just careless.

…or maybe, based on how Oz was rubbing at his shoulder, Qrow had taken a hit meant for him.

“How bad is it?”

The question came out a whisper, but you’d have thought Tai shouted it with the way Ozpin jerked. Right. Pretty unused to having other people read him so easily—or at all. Tai would have liked to rib him on it. Only problem was, Oz was only transparent like this when something was well and truly bothering him.

Damn his own, kind nature. Tai was a freaking saint and everyone was going to realize it one of these days. He should really get some sort of medal.

Ozpin, meanwhile, had deliberately moved his hands back to his mug and carefully re-schooled his features. They might as well have been discussing budget reports.

“He dodged it,” Ozpin said, each word clipped and a little bit fragile. “Barely. After pushing me out of the way, of course. You’d think two thousand years of training would keep me from making an initiate’s mistake, hmm?”

“You’d think two thousand years of training would have taught you the lesson you’re always pushing on us.”

“Which is?”

“No one’s perfect, Oz.”

A curl of his lip and two taps against porcelain. It said, I should be.

“I don’t care about perfection.” Liar. “But I do care if my mistakes endanger others. More pressingly, given that it’s clear I will continue to make mistakes, I care greatly when others wish to take on my consequences when there is absolutely no need.”

Tai forced himself to swallow down another sigh. Oh, they all knew that speech well now. The problem with befriending an immortal was that he believed, with every fiber of his being, that he was meant to take the hit. Always.

Tai also knew damn well that he wouldn’t be the guy to talk Oz out of that. That particular honor went to the man currently banished to the couch.

Funny the irony there. And by ‘funny’ Tai meant ���Not at all what the absolute fuck, Ozpin.’

“What I’m hearing,” he said slowly. “Is that you’re punishing Qrow for doing—wait for it—this absolutely horrible thing called loving you.”

Ozpin scowled. “You know very well it’s more complicated than—”

“Get over it.”

Ozpin blinked.

“Everything’s complicated for you. Everything is always going to be complicated. So for just this one thing get over it and accept that Qrow loves you. That loving you might include dying for you. I sure as hell hope not, but if you don’t allow him that then you’re gonna reach a point where he’s not even sleeping on the couch anymore.”  

Impassioned speeches, thy name is not Tiayang Xiao-Long. He’d tried though. With good reason. Ozpin was staring at the countertop now, one foot lightly bobbing over the rung of his stool. A bit of his bottom lip pulled up between his teeth. That was something.

Oh, Tai was under no illusions that he’d change someone like Ozpin so easily. But for now? That lack of pushback was just enough.

Finally Ozpin raised his head. He moved it in what might have been Remnant’s smallest, most terrified nod.

Or maybe Tai was just finding what he wanted to see.

“You want to see Ruby’s latest drawing?” he asked, tapping the space above his heart. Pure coincidence that his girls’ artwork happened to be tucked in the pocket there. “She’s got some pretty awesome ideas about what the grimm must look like.”

Ozpin’s eyes shown. “But of course. Although… perhaps we should wait for Qrow?”

Just like that. Smooth it over. Tai was good at that, though he had no illusions that he’d never again walk in to see Qrow’s pillow stuffed onto one end of that couch. Dust only knew how Oz would react the next time he tried to play hero… or whether Tai would ever be allowed to die for him as he would any other friend. That might be too much to ask him for.

Remember he’s different, Tai thought. Every victory is so much larger when it’s with Oz. You’ve just gotta remember that.

Tai lifted his mug in a toast. “Sounds like a plan.”

The cocoa was cold now. Tai decided to focus on the sweetness instead.

[seasauvage787]

A Heart To Come Home To The Jonsa Gift Exchange:Milestones

for @geekprincess26   hope you enjoy!

The first time Jon and Sansa meet.... or is it?

Sansa Stark took the phone call. The man on the other end hesitated before he spoke.

“Hello, I…um… am looking to purchase an older home that needs to be restored. Kind of a fixer-upper.”

“You are interested in moving up north?” asked Sansa trying to get some more concrete information.

“I’m kind of interested in finding a calm place, a place I can work on.”

“And you currently live in Kings Landing?”

“Kind of. Not really. I stay with my parents most of the time. I have to travel a lot with my job, so I live in hotels more or less.”

“We have plenty of older properties that we represent here in Wintertown and all the way up to The Gift. Winterfell Realty Associates pride ourselves in our selection of unique properties.”

“Yes, I was referred by a friend who relocated north. Brianne Tarth.”

“Oh yes, my sister worked with her. She found her a lovely home last year. In fact, my sister is currently working with Ms. Tarth to acquire an old armory to turn into a fencing academy.

“Ms. Stark, I have a tight schedule. Is there any chance that you could show me some properties? I will be out of the country for the next 2 or 3 weeks.”

“I can certainly make arrangements. Will the day after tomorrow suit?”

“Could we make it tomorrow? I’m already here in town visiting friends. Do you know the Tarleys?”

“I’m afraid I don’t. I usually like to give a days notice for the sellers to ready their property.”

“Actually, since I’m looking for something that will be a project, I don’t think condition will matter.”

“Well then, Mr….? I’m sorry, I don’t think I got your name. And we’ve had such a long conversation. I’m terribly sorry.”

“Sorry, I didn’t actually introduce myself. I’m Jon Snow.”

“Certainly, Mr. Snow. I’ll be busy setting things up today. What time will be good for you tomorrow?”

“I’d like to get an early start. Does 10:00 am work for you?”

“Yes, that will be wonderful. Thank you for calling Winterfell Realty Associates.”

“I’ll be at your offices at 10:00, then. Thank you Ms. Stark. I look forward to meeting you tomorrow.”

“Yes. Thank you Mr. Snow.”

Sansa hung up the phone and literally screamed “Arya, oh my fucking gods where are you? Get over here! I just got off the phone with Jon fucking yes, Jon fucking Snow.”

“Yeah, how do you know that? I bet you just got pranked.”

“Because he said that he was friends with Brianne Tarth. Remember you told me that she was the fencing consultant on that gladiator or something movie.  And aren't you working with her right now to buy the old armory for her fencing academy? She referred him.”

“Yes, I am but that's beside the point. You are so shitting me. That can't be. This is the north. There's tons of people up here whose last name is Snow.”

“And are they all named Jon? Doubt that one.”

“Oh yeah. How many Jon fucking Snows are there? Google it.”

“I don't know how many Jon Snow's there are and I’m not going to google anything. It sounded like him. You know, that kind of husky... growly... sexy kind of voice.”

“All right Sansa, now you are imagining things. I bet you’ve never even seen his movies or TV show!”

“If you think I'm imagining things, then listen to this. He said he wanted to buy an old place that he could fix up. He said he travels a lot and needed a calm place.”

“I won't believe it till I see him.”

“You will tomorrow when he shows up to go looking at houses with me.”

“Then you better get your ass going and find some properties to show him. Maybe I should call him back. Ask him to be a little more specific and I’ll be the one showing him houses!”

“Oh no, you won't. This is mine. I took the call, I’m going to do the work and I get to take him to tour the properties.”

Sansa was on the computer and phone for the rest of the day. She looked through all of the properties they were representing and the MLS for the region. She was frustrated that she only came up with a handful of potentials.

Lucky for her the unique properties were all represented by Winterfell Realty Associates. She found a loft in the warehouse district of Wintertown, an ancient homestead with major wooded acreage on the edge of Long Lake, about 50 miles north, a creepy windmill with a couple acres of pasture 30 miles away, and an decrepit log cabin in the middle of the Wolfswood just 10 miles out of town.

She was sure from his vague description that he probably wouldn’t be interested in the loft, but it was located in the historic district where Brianne Tarth was looking to purchase. So it was worth a shot.

She ran a search on the Tarleys. They lived on the edge of Wintertown in one of the newer suburbs that were springing up around the University of the Northlands. They must be affiliated with the school. Why else would people move north?

Sansa left her office after everyone else had gone for the day. Since she finished her MBA a year early, she wasn’t sure what she wanted to do. So she went back to her family home at Winterfell and worked with her father and sister in the family’s real estate business. Actually, she was grateful. She had rushed through her BA in History, but at 20 she felt too young to be a high school teacher. Of course, she then rushed through her MBA as if the added degree would give her more direction. Not really. Not yet anyway.

All evening, Sansa was mulling these things over in her head.  She was glad that everybody was out of the house for once, even the boys. Everyone had someplace to go except Sansa. She had a glass of wine with dinner and another as she sat at her computer scanning the MLS again. Maybe if I watch his TV show, I can match his voice. I know what he looks like. What he looks like on TV in character, anyway.

Sansa signed into the family’s HBO To Go account and pulled up Jon Snow’s series. She didn’t really follow Path of Honor. It was a semi historical drama set in England and she hated when they got the history wrong. Her logical mind just refused to make that leap into fantasy. She didn’t like Lord of the Rings, either. Sansa cued up the latest episode and sat down on the couch with her third glass of wine.

She was standing in a huge drafty room. It was cold even though there was a roaring fire. She had her coat and gloves on, but she could still feel the bitter bone deep cold. Sansa looked down to rebutton her coat. There were no buttons, in fact she was wearing some sort of woolen and fluffy fur cape and a very heavy long dress that felt like leather armor. The dress itched where it caught her waist and down the front of her legs, even through the thick woolen stockings. She was definitely not wearing high heels.

The door at the far end of the room slammed open and a group of men in huge fur cloaks and similar leather armor strode into the room. This brought a strong gust of cold wind sweeping through, causing the candles to stutter. She watched the dark haired man at the front of the group stride assuredly toward her. He was frowning in the most handsome way. As he approached, she saw that his consternation was fading the closer he got to her. Sansa took in a deep breath as he knelt before her.

“My Lady Sansa. I am most humbly at your service.” he said and lowered his head.

She watched in stunned silence as he turned his head slightly to look up at her through thick dark lashes. He winked as he took her hand in his. He kissed it and whispered “My love.” into the palm of her hand.

Sansa woke up disoriented. She looked around. She was stretched out on the couch and the TV was on the home screen. Clearly she had slept through the show. It was 2:00 am, so she clicked off the screen and went upstairs to bed.

Sansa was looking out of a window on an upper floor of some sort of stone tower. There were people sparring with longswords below in the training yard. She could hear the metal clash and scrape. The two men moved like dancers and the arc of their swords careening toward impact was mesmerizing.  Did they know she was watching? She hoped not. She leaned out to get a better view. As she did, her elbow knocked a loose stone from the ledge. She watched it fall in slow motion and land with a thud. The two men froze, then looked toward the sky expecting an attack.

“Oops, sorry.” she called down to them feeling her face flush with embarrassment.

The man with the dark hair turned toward the sound of her voice. He smiled.

“Why Lady Sansa, I didn’t know you were interested in our daily training.”

“Oh. Yes, of course. Everything that keeps us safe, I guess.”

“My Lady, I am always here to keep you safe.”

Sansa woke at the sound of her alarm. What crazy dreams!  She got herself together over a cup of Earl Grey that her mother had left in the teapot. After her shower, she did her makeup carefully. Too much blush or lip and Arya would accuse her of flirting. She could hear Arya upstairs and was determined to get out of the house before her. Sansa knew they were going to be driving around all day and walking each property, so she decided that a suit wasn’t the best idea. Instead she chose a pair of tan leather jodpers and cream silk blouse. She grabbed a fuzzy wool sweater and her trainers just in case, to protect her new suede boots. She stuffed everything into a huge bag she used for her yoga mat and gym clothes. There were already four bottled waters at the bottom. She gave herself a once over in the hall mirror and walked out to her car.

It was 8:30 when she unlocked the main door to the office. She flicked on lights on the way to her office and set the pot to brew up some coffee. Sansa walked around straightening things before going back to her office to check addresses, contacts, lockbox keys and anything else she might need. It was only 8:45. A bit more than an hour until her celebrity client arrived. Wouldn’t it be hysterical if it wasn’t THE Jon Snow. Arya will never let me live this down.

Sansa went back to her office. Curiosity was killing her. She googled Jon Snow and clicked images. Hundreds of them appeared instantly. Jon Snow in costume, in street clothes, publicity shots. Ok, so if it’s actually him, I’ll know it. She glanced at the clock. At 9:30, Arya walked into her office.

“I’m hanging with you until he comes. I’ve seen every episode of Path of Honor at least 4 times. I think I deserve at least a selfie, don’t you?”

“Since when are you a fan girl?”

“I’m a secret fan girl. Come on, any show with sword fights is my type of entertainment.”

“It’s about 10:00, he should be here.”

“He isn’t, so there. See, I told you that you got pranked. Probably by your crazy ex bae, Joffrey. Why is a ‘to die for’ celebrity going to want to buy a house up here? And a fixer upper at that. Come on Sansa.”

“I’m going to reserve judgement on that until I meet him.”

The minutes passed. 10:05, 10:10, 10:12....... At 10:24, the office door to Winterfell Realty Associates opened. By this time, they had migrated to the foyer in anticipation.

“This is quite the welcoming party. For me? asked Ned Stark. “Or are you waiting for the young man just parking his car?”

“The man parking the car, of course.” replied Sansa. “I have an appointment to show him some properties today.”

“Then Arya, you scatter.You both look like..... I don’t know what you look like but, it’s intimidating. You two look ready to pounce, that’s it, like girls waiting for an autograph from a movie star.”

“Dad,” started Arya “Autographs are out of style. Selfies are so much better.”

“Don’t you dare, Arya.” said her father with mock sternness.

“Then you know who he is?” asked Sansa.

“Of course, I watch Path of Honor every Sunday. Your mother and I wouldn’t miss it.”

As they were all talking, Jon Snow quietly walked in the door. He stood there waiting until Ned looked up. He stepped forward and extended his hand to Jon and shook it heartily.

“Nice to hear that you follow our show. Thank you, Mr. Stark.”

“I do, I do too.” added Arya extending her hand and energetically shaking Jon’s. “I love the sword fights. I’m a fencer.”

“Yes, I love the fight scenes. You’re working with Brianne on her fencing academy, am I correct?”

“Hi, I’m Sansa Stark. We spoke yesterday. I have some properties per your request. They range from from about 50 miles out of town on Long Lake to here in town.” She said in a very business like manner, hoping to get past any discussion about his show. She didn’t want to admit her lack of enthusiasm.

“Sounds like a day. Shall we get going, then. Do you mind if I drive?” asked Jon. “I love it up here.”

“Not at all. I’ll get my things and we can be on our way.”

Jon followed her down the hall and into her office. Sansa didn’t realize he was standing there as she turned with her iPad, purse and bag stuffed to the brim. Her bag caught on the desk corner and the contents began to cascade out. As she reached out, she lost her balance, falling awkwardly toward Jon. He caught her in his arms and held her for the longest 30 seconds of her life.

“Oops, sorry.” she said very flustered and embarrassed.

“I am always here to keep you safe.” he replied.

[imaginaryelle]

erlkonigstochter replied to your post “Things I like about Dream Daddy: Canonically bi men! Canonically gay...”

i did manage to beat Mat's minigame! but the first time I played was before they'd added in Robert's minigame so no idea for that one :( And I don't think you have to go on one date with everyone to further Amanda's plot? I never did that at least. I wonder if I missed scenes with her? Now I gotta check lol. I agree with you about joseph though. I really didn't like him at all. I just want Mary to be happy!

Wow, what did you do to beat it? I couldn’t even figure out what I was supposed to do, I felt like I was just hitting keys randomly.

My first playthrough I didn’t get some of the scenes with Amanda that I got in the second playthrough, and as far as I know the only significant difference was that I didn’t go on Joseph’s date. So idk what happened there?

Joseph is... okay, so I don’t think he’s an abjectly terrible person or anything. He tries, a lot. He seems to do decent work with the youth group kids, for example. He tries to keep track of his kids’ interests and needs. His self-destructive habits are way less immediately harmful than Robert’s or Mary’s. That said, I do personally find his character design a bit off-putting. But that’s a my thing and concerns my personal experiences with both overtly Christian men and people who repeatedly invite me to big community events without getting to know me at all first. Also, I’m mildly avoidant of the sweater-over-shoulders-and-polo look. I get it, he’s the clean-cut country club church-going boat guy (which implies he has a ton of money and also how he spends it and that’s a whole other barrel of stuff I don’t want to get into here). Literally none of those things are something I’m into, or have ever been interested in. I have poor associations with Margaritaville in general, and people who dwell on their “glory days” in specific, so the tiny amount of opening up he did on the second date was honestly just off-putting for me. Also, also, drinking in a back room while supposedly chaperoning an event for teenagers is not something I would ever engage in and makes me lose pretty much any respect I had for him. I’ve had co-workers like that and it sucked. 

This is getting long, so, cut for length.

As an educator who works with children, him not knowing where his kids are and not going to figure it out when this is called to his attention is an additional problem for me because 1) It’s behavior that would get me fired, and 2) he repeatedly prioritizes his own activity over finding his kids, even when one is a toddler. Now, Mary absolutely shares blame in this. I definitely don’t think Mary is innocent here (I do want her to be happy, but I also think she needs to get a divorce and give Joseph custody of the kids given what we see of her and her goals/activities). But the game actually offers us more information about Mary and how she relates to the world around her than it does Joseph, in my perception at least. We get to see Mary with Joseph, with the PC alone, with Robert, with Damien and with Amanda. Joseph we pretty much get with Mary and his kids and the PC, from what I’ve seen. He doesn’t really talk to anyone else, or about anyone else as if they’re friends or close at all. So where I can see Mary (and Robert for that matter) as a person who’s dealing poorly with a bad situation, the only vibe I get from Joseph is that he doesn’t want to be where he is, and so it’s impossible to tell what’s fake and what’s real about him. And even if there was more to him than church and boats and margaritas, my entire response to that is “cool dude, go figure out what you want, maybe you’ll be fun to hang out with when you do.” Like, yes, okay, this sort of isolation and the closeted gay church leader or guy who doesn’t want to be living what his life has become, those are all things that happen in real life. But that does not mean that dating people who are in that place is fun, and fun is what I’m playing the game for. 

The last thing that gets to me about Joseph, though, is that all of the other dads are in a state of mind where they want to get better. They’re aware of their flaws, and they want to make connections and figure out how to relate to this new person in their lives and feel connected and become a more fully-realized version of themselves who is accepted. Joseph is not ready for that. Joseph barely knows something is wrong within himself and not just within his marriage/family. He wants to make connections, yeah, but he’s so folded in on himself he has no idea who he really wants to be, he just knows what he doesn’t want. Sitting on the beach drinking margaritas without a care isn’t a life-plan or a hobby, it’s an escape. He hasn’t done the mental and emotional work to be as self-aware as the other dads. And some of that is probably because he’s the only one still married. You can learn a lot about yourself with a partner/support network, but doing difficult things alone (like raising kids or running a business, etc) highlights flaws and failures at a much higher rate, and also enforces the importance of self-care much more harshly, because there’s no one around you picking up any slack and it’s very easy to completely self-destruct if you stop paying attention. But Joseph hasn’t had that experience, and hasn’t learned enough about himself to be in that place, and so there’s no point at which he’s able to actually make a fulfilling connected the way the other dads can. And I guess, with the themes they seem to have been going for with the whole rest of the game, I have no idea why the writers/devs/whoever put Joseph in that position.I don’t understand what the appeal was supposed to be, it’s a game-design choice that ultimately just confuses me.

[pierrelucdisaster]

So I’m going to write some things out about my year here, after the cut line. it’s gonna be super personal and involve some tough topics. I feel better writing it out here since no one actually knows me personally and I would feel less shame being so open and honest. Ok here goes nothing.

My 2019 was one hell of a year. I started my last semester of college which I half-assed bc it was pretty pointless. lol I landed an internship that was a dream come true and put me right where I wanted to be in my career plans. I went to some baseball games here and there. I did pretty well in school. I went to some cool events and learned a lot about my career plans. I did get discouraged, couldn’t make up my mind, believed what others said about my dreams not going to go as planned, and it turned out they were wrong. I graduated from college, after 8 grueling years of community college and university. I was so proud of myself that day. I accomplished something I never thought I would ever do. I did cool stuff through my internship that involved opportunities I couldn't’ believe. I went to more baseball games. I learned and grew throughout my internship. It then turned into an actual job. But then came the imposter syndrome, the self-doubt, the overwhelming feeling of failure, the constant pressure from myself to be perfect at everything, the nagging feeling that I didn’t deserve this opportunity bc I stole it from someone more deserving, then came the emotional breakdown, the feeling like I was suffocating, that I was choking on my own words, the panic attack while trying to calm myself down that happened bc I couldn’t calm myself down, the feeling that this would never change and I would drown. Then came the three worst days... when I could feel myself slowly falling apart, I disassociated for the first time in the bathroom of my job, then the next day after what was an unfortunate series of events, I dissociated at my work desk, ran to my car during lunch and called the national suicide helpline for the first time in my life. I sat there choking on my tears thinking why can’t you see what I see, and why can’t you feel how awful everything has been?

I told the person on the other line that I wasn’t going to commit suicide, but I was hellbent on it. On my drive home I contemplated between yes or no. I arrived home and broke down again and still thought that ok if I want to I can. I almost didn’t make it to August 12th. I almost didn’t see the sunrise.

and then it clicked. I had to find a way to save myself.

and so I did.

I reached out for help as I tried to grasp what was happening to me. I found it. I started therapy in late August. It has done wonders but unfortunately, it isn’t a cure-all. But it’s taught me so much about who I am and who I was and how I was my worst enemy. It taught me to speak up when necessary, to navigate the world that I am living in, and to see all the good around me. It has taught me to think logically and to fight the negative thoughts that have plagued me since the age of 12. It has made me see myself in a different, more positive light. I am happier, healthier, and smarter about the things I feel and how I process them.

But it’s not a cure-all. As the year ends and I find myself so grateful for so much. Like reaching my birthday in October, and being able to go to 3 hockey games in the span of a little over a month, and fall in love with hockey again, and realize that my career plan to work in hockey isn’t over with yet, I am currently struggling. My workplace is going through sudden changes and I am realizing that after almost a year of being there, what I have given to them, they haven’t given to me. As much as I love it and am grateful for it, my mental health and my overall happiness is being affected negatively by my job. I know things will get better soon. I know none of this is permanent, especially my current feelings, but it’s difficult to see how things will get better when I don’t have any ideas on how.

I don’t want to end this negatively. I know I’m not tied to my job or to anything in this world and I know that when my time comes I can make a sudden or planned change. I am not stuck. and neither are you.

I promise you it gets better, I promise you this life is worth living. Please, reach out for help. It is scary, but my god is it worth it.

If I would have ended my life in August here’s all the stuff I would’ve missed out on:

a cool trip to disneyland in the middle of summer

seeing a band I discovered in April perform live and make me realize I may never go to another concert again bc they were perfection

a lice nightmare in my home that spared me bc my hair is naturally disgusting

a trip to the aquarium where I had so much fun and touched a jellyfish

a baseball game where I went to see a player who had been traded from my favorite team 3 years ago, I cried about it, went to see him play, made various snapchats about how I loved him. Yelled it out when they introduced him... only to have his girlfriend sitting behind me talking about baseball girlfriend life. Very awkward.

a night out with my best friends that was wonderful and made me feel like I do have people who love and support me, always

another baseball game that was cheap and fun

the start of hockey season!

seeing the Kings play against the Hurricanes and it being very, YikES!

the adoption of more hockey bois and teams that ended up getting out of hand

the discovery of the chaotic energy that is (2020 NHL All-Star) Travis Konecny

the 2 weeks of me saying “I was born at night not last night, come on, let’s go” to everyone when upset.

my 27th birthday that even though it didn’t go as planned, was actually very special to me and nice.

dressing up as the Stanley Cup for Halloween at work and realizing that since the guy I was into wasn’t into Halloween I wasn’t gonna actually want to date him anymore. (lol jk, we couldn’t date bc we worked together.)

finally being able to afford an NHL sweater/jersey

nice family times during the holidays

Ryan Graves

my friend calling me out about all the hockey players I’m into and then asking for a detailed list of who and why I loved them

update: that list looks so much more different in just a month and a half lol

update 2: after seeing it again, I really put Nolan Patrick on there for the sole reason of ‘I want his thighs to choke me.’ wtf.

seeing the Islanders play in person, Mat Barzal is beautiful, but what’s new

Picking out very specific Christmas presents for my family that everyone seemed to love

That Mikko Rantanen video that restored my vision

spending as much time with family as possible

seeing the Flyers play and seeing TK in person

struggling to take a picture of Travis Sanheim (Honey, why?)

That Hayes OT goal which was perfection

Seeing the Kings play and an Adrian Kempe shorthanded goal. (Magical!)

Carter Hart. Carter Hart. Carter Hart.

Realizing Kempe is way hotter in person and wondering how that’s possible.

Matt Luff; HOT!

Sean Walker and Matt Roy, legit babes

Blake Lizotte is my favorite player now, sorry.

An upset, slamming things on the bench TK. (the absolute hottest thing my eyes have ever seen.)

A Kings win! (who are they?)

Jan 1st, 2020.

If you are struggling, please know its okay. But please also know, it will get better. Reach out for help. Take that first step. Make a list of your own this time next year. You’ll see how worth it this life is.

with all my love,

Elle.